#Why is girlhood so holy?

[garden-the-goblin]

Big fan of the reoccurring motif in fiction where god is just a little girl. Like I adore how writers came to the unanimous agreement that the most terrifying thing you could be is a little girl left to her own devices. That's good shit.

[sluttylittlewaistenthusiast]

HOLY SHIT MY FIRST MUTUAL!!

HI @ghosts-cyphera !!! i LOVE bloodied bullets, soft confessions. this has been sitting in my drafts for like 3 days cus idk why i feel so excited to have a mutual lmao anyways i hope u have a good day 💗

[giftedeath]

verses/about under the cut ! spoilers will be rampant ! but its been twenty years my loves <3

give me back my girlhood / it was mine first › los angeles.

pre - sunnydale buffy. living in la, attending hemery high school. she's popular, she's a cheerleader, she's everything she has always wanted to be. she is the quintessential valley girl. her parents are together, even if they do argue all the time. this is the time in her life that she will constantly refer back to seasons and seasons later ... her girlhood, the thing that is torn from her. her innocence.

she then becomes the vampire slayer.

in every generation there is a chosen one. she alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. she is the slayer.

this verse will be broken up into two parts.

part i - as innocence; the period before becoming the slayer part ii - as the reckoning; she is told one day on the steps of hemery high that she is the chosen one - that she must defeat vampires; slay them ! this is her destiny. she is instilled with what can only be explained as superpowers ! she's faster and stronger than normal girls. her nights of studying long gone as she takes up nights of slaying vampires in cemeteries. school stops mattering, friends turn away from her, and then one day, there is an incident. she accidentally burns down hemery high's gym and is expelled. her and her mother, joyce summers, move to sunnydale california. the beginning of the end

i'm sixteen years old / i don't wanna die › season one.

after her expulsion from hemery high, buffy thinks this will be her chance to get away. no more slayer responsibilities. her move to sunnydale is a blessing in disguise. until she meets sunnydale high's librarian - rupert giles; who also just so happens to be her watcher and it is solidified that not only is she the vampire slayer, but she is now in a town full of vampires, demons, and other forces of darkness. things which she is responsible to take care of, for the better of society. a girl of sixteen !

key events for this verse

she meets the core of the scooby gang; willow rosenberg, and xander harris who become and stay her best friends until the end of the show. as well as other important characters, such as cordelia chase, who becomes a very significant figure in her life.

the relationship with her watcher giles begins. their relationship can be described as very father/daughter-esque but also has tumultuous ups and downs; especially in later seasons ( but also in early seasons tbh )

she meets angel ! the vampire who is cursed with a soul ( formerly known as angelus ! ) and she develops a crush on him which eventually turns into her very first serious relationship <3

she learns that sunnydale is situated atop of a 'hellmouth'; she faces multiple different vampires, including a member of the fanged four and angelus' sire - darla !! who is also his former lover. ( he does eventually kill darla during this season )

the major threat of the season however, is the master, who is an ancient and especially threatening vampire, who is trapped underground in the middle of the hellmouth. buffy defeats him with the help of the scoobies, but not without officially dying first. ( she is drowned by the master, and does die for like two minutes before xander harris is able to give her mouth to mouth and save her ! yay xander )

verse. you only get a few more candles › season two.

season two is where things really start to get fun and buffy, as a show, starts to understand what it is really about. buffy is seventeen, now and a junior at sunnydale high. she's deep in her relationship with angel. she passes time by trying to do her best in school, training with giles, as well as going to the bronze for a bit of r&r every now and again ( a lot ! ) all while fighting the forces of evil!

key events for this verse

iconic vampire couple spike <3 & drusilla <3 enter and begin to wreak havoc in sunnydale! they are established as the 'big bads' of the season.

due to buffy's brief death in season one, a new slayer named kendra is introduced ! we love kendra so much

xander and cordelia start dating which causes cordelia to become one of the scoobies, thus growing closer to buffy by association.

oz osbourne is introduced, a senior and later revealed as a werewolf. he begins dating willow and becomes a scooby !!

willow begins to dabble in magic !

jenny calendar, the computer teacher at sunnydale, starts a romantic relationship with giles & we learn that actually ( lots of retconning goes on ) jenny is romani, her true identity is janna of the kalderash, the same people who cursed angelus and gave him his soul back - making him angel ( and if you choose to watch btvs just know that there are a lot of racist elements in this, and slurs are used very frequently, and it's disgusting. )

in s2ep14 'innocence' buffy and angel have just had sex ! yeehaw, buffy loses her virginity. but alas, angel experiences a true moment of happiness ( yeah. ejaculation jdfkjdkf ) and the curse is lifted, he becomes angelus once more; the notorious, blood sucking, evil vampire. which sucks for buffy bc he then starts to treat her like shit !!! it's all a very weird joss whedon metaphor for men pretending they like you so that they can sleep with you, and then change completely right afterwards. blah blah blah. it is deeply traumatizing for buffy!

angelus joins spike and drusilla to destroy the world ! the fanged four is 3/4ths reunited and hell is unleashed upon everyone. angelus kills lots of innocents, including jenny calendar. drusilla kills kendra. ( TRAGIC AND I HATE IT !! btvs stop killing off woc challenge ) and buffy, in the end, teams up with the scoobies + spike ( yes SPIKE ! the big bad ! ) and sends angelus / angel, the man she is in love with ! into a hell dimension, never to be seen again. very traumaizing again, for buffy.

buffy also comes out to her mother this season as a vampire slayer, and joyce doesn't take it well. ( yes more metaphors ) so ... buffy leaves sunnydale.

verse. a begging to be believed › season three.

terrible awful things happened to buffy in season two like what the hell. so she disappears to la for the summer, bc isolation is how she deals with trauma hello ! eventually she does go back to sunnydale and back to the scoobies and is now eighteen, and a senior. yay ! graduation time !!

key events for this verse !

due to deplorable writing choices, kendra's tragic and unjust death means a new slayer is in town. enter faith lehane !!! buffy's shadow, a girl just a bit younger than her, a very important part of buffy, someone who makes her ... her <3 initially, buffy can't help but be a little bit jealous over faith. her friends love her instantly, she's cool and calm and wears a lot of leather, and she's kind of hot ? oops. ... but yeah, she's in sunnydale !! and they start another very tumultuous friendship .. one that starts off on jealousy, later buffy warms up to her and they have some good Bad Girl times ! until faith kills a man ! and suddenly buffy has to think about what it means to be a slayer, slayers aren't killers, am i bad too ? etc.

angel mysteriously comes back from the hell dimension lmao !!! but he's fucked in the head a bit, ok sorry wait. angel is not the same angel that she knew when she fell in love with him i guess ? bc he suffered for who knows how long in the hell dimension that she was forced to send him to. but now he's back, and she helps him regain his sanity and strength. they kind of start their relationship back up again, but by the end of the season, they break up and go their separate ways.

anyanka the vengeance demon enters ! we love her we love herrrr. she loses her vengeance demon powers tho very quickly and becomes a normal girl ! and goes to the prom with xander

buffy turns eighteen and the watcher's council basically has giles perform this ritual called tento di cruciamentum and it's the beginning of buffy and giles' decline. :( giles is fired from the watcher's council & is replaced by new watcher wesley wyndam pryce !!! oh dear wes <3 also buffy decides fuck the watcher's council and stops caring about them ! good for her !

enter big bad of the season, the mayor !! who is on a mission to ascension or becoming a "pure demon" and with faith on his side, he kind of does it ! but buffy and the scoobies and also the sunnydale class of '99 stop him ! yay ! oh the high school gets blown up lol

buffy stabs faith and puts her into a coma eek

angel and cordelia officially leave sunnydale to go start their spinoff show in los angeles ! good for them :) <3 wesley even joins them a lil bit later ! and angel the series ensues. we'll see angel again tho

verse. she is as destructive as a coriolis storm › season four.

it's the college season! buffy and willow both are attending UC sunnydale yay ! buffy's still kind of cut up about her breakup with angel, but its ok and she's healing <3 she meets some cool people. she loses her soul once ! phew. oh and there's this whole thing called the initiative which kind of sucks :/ but lets get into it

buffy's a freshman, nineteen, she likes psychology with professor walsh and her TA riley finn. she's good at it too ! actually, given the opportunity - she's pretty good at school. which is a cool realization that she has.

anya and xander start officially ? dating. willow and oz break up and oz leaves :( but that's okay bc willow's a lesbian and she meets tara who is also a witch !!! and more scoobies are added to the roster!

spike comes back lmaoooo. and uh, a chip is implanted in his head, and it prevents him from harming humans by giving him big bad migraines. but do not fear ! because he can still harm demons! which causes him to join the scoobies! yay !

oh and its put there by "the initiative" which is ( wikipedia ) "a top-secret military installation based beneath the uc sunnydale campus" they experiment on/kill demons idk. riley finn is like the main bunker boy and professor walsh also runs the shit too. the big bad this season is a guy/demon - man made The Creature from frankenstein like thing named adam and he's very smart or whtvr. it's a very uninteresting season overall lol

buffy and riley start dating and its um .. interesting. she definitely learns and realizes things

buffy and her friends defeat adam and the initiative is shut down and buffy starts thinking about the lineage of slayers, a perfect transition into season 5

verse. death is close / but so is life › season five.

DEATH IS YOUR GIFT ! or probably the best season of buffy.

your gaslit into believing that buffy has had a sister named dawn for four seasons. and you believe it too, for like a second. we love dawnie <3 dawn is the most important person ever, actually.

big bad of the season "glory" enters. she's pretty, she has cute outfits, she's also a god ! and she shares a body with this guy named Ben. he's a nurse ! but again, glory is a god ... and she's searching for a key so that she can open a portal to her hell dimension. the problem is, if she gets the key and opens the portal, it essentially blurs the line between hell and earth and it will unleash hell onto earth ! so she really can't get the key

oh and the key is dawn. dawn is the key. she's energy that was made out of buffy and formed into her teenage sister. so yeah, she wasn't buffy's sister for her whole life, she's actually just existed for a few months ! and the fake memories the key makers planted into all of their brains, makes it kind of feel like she's been there forever. buffy loves her. dawn is her. they are the best sister duo relationship i have ever seen. i am very fond of them.

joyce ( buffy's mom ) dies of a brain aneurysm. it is ............... heartbreaking. it changes buffy's life. it changes buffy.

riley and buffy break up. spike realizes he is IN LOVEEEE with buffy. it's kind of iconic but im a little biased ngl. he also really ups the ante by protecting dawn and joyce a lot and buffy really is relying on him to protect her loved ones this season. also .. he kind of becomes one of her loved ones this season as well :')

glory kidnaps dawn and despite the scoobies efforts, dawn's blood opens up the portal, unleashing hell on earth. buffy sacrifices herself and dies and the portal closes. and buffy dies for the second and final time. ugh god. THE GIFT ! DEATH IS HER GIFT !

verse. life is pain / and life is suffering but my god / you're alive › season six.

my favorite season. season six u will always be famous

buffy's dead but not to worry, the scoobies (willow, xander, anya, and tara) are going to bring her back from whatever hell dimension she's in! don't worry! willow knows what she's doing and she won't come back wrong

they do it! but oops they think that they didn't do it and so buffy is forced to claw herself out of her grave. traumatizing

buffy is alive again, she's back and she's .. not wrong, but also .. she's not the buffy that the scoobies have known and loved all these years. ( to them ) and buffy's actually extremely depressed, empty, and feels very very wrong, ultimately; is suicidal. she was pulled out of heaven ! she has bills to pay, she needs to get a job, her mother is still dead, the soulless vampire is still in love with her, there's a very iconic musical episode where she almost basically attempts to off herself but spike is there to tell her that life is worth living, you have to keep on living SO ONE OF US IS LIVINNNNGGG!!!

giles leaves this season bc he thinks that buffy relies on him too much ? weird but ok.

buffy and spike start a 'sexual' relationship... i guess

their relationship is .... it's an incredibly interesting dynamic which explores the theme of the jungian shadow in depth. it's mutually toxic, but it also stands to represent a lot about buffy and spike's characters. there will be tons and tons of metas written about this whole relationship bc it literally is so......... it's just, it makes sense why it happens. but from a basic perspective, it's not something i support or condone. but it serves a very critical narrative purpose and it is pivotal to buffy's character and the way that i write her. also if u have zero basic media literacy, then it's just a toxic relationship. but it stands for so much more. spike is consistently there, someone who she confides in throughout the season. he is her anchor in a lot of ways. she starts having sex with him because she knows that he is in love with her, she feels safe around him, but she is also disgusted with herself bc that is her shadow. he has no soul and it reflects her emptiness and the void that she has felt since being brought back to life. like i said, very interesting dynamic that changes buffy as a character and honestly, helps in her journey to healing !!!

there is a spike and buffy scene in season 6 ep19 'seeing red' which i largely ignore. actually ! yeah .. i don't feel that it is canon. in fact, spike already knew that he wanted to get his soul back prior to /that/ interaction, and so for my portrayal, i look at it as ... he feels he's not a man and not a demon, he's not the man that he needs to be, for her, to be hers, and so based on their relationship throughout s6, he comes to the conclusion that he always had: he goes and he gets his soul back!

oh yeah ... and there's this trio of incels warren, jonothan, and andrew. they try to fuck up buffy's life in "comical" and silly ways. warren gets tired of being beat by buffy so he decides to shoot her. he also manages to kill tara, and this sets willow off and dark willow is unleashed !!!! but don't worry bc xander saves the day and buffy lives because tara dies. it's tragic and terrible

verse. i owe myself an apology › season seven.

bc buffy got resurrected last season, it caused an imbalance between good and evil and something called 'the first evil,' is the big bad of the season

it's killing potential slayers and plans to raise a huge army of these ancient vampires that are practically unkillable

the watcher's council is destroyed ! everybody clap

buffy keeps a whole group of potential slayers in her house to train and protect them. oh and she's working at the high school now as a guidance counselor

spike has his soul back which means buffy can heal and be okay, because he's not empty anymore and neither is she. lots of good moments this season for them. they're married actually.

everyone in sunnydale evacuates bc the hellmouth gets worse!

faith comes back to help buffy's cause <3

there's a preacher called caleb and he's a misogynist. he's safe guarding this weapon - it's a scythe. buffy gets it and kills him with it !

angel comes to sunnydale and gives buffy an amulet that is to be worn by a 'champion' meaning vampire with a soul. so she gives it to spike.

they go down into the hellmouth to fight the ancient vampires as a unit. willow does a spell and it unleashes the potential slayers powers. now there are lots and lots of slayers, and buffy is no longer the only one! she is not alone! she is free!

spike's amulet harnesses the power of the sun and it unleashes onto the vampires, saving the world but also sacrificing himself in the end. also - buffy tells him she loves him and for the first time since angel, she means it :') and then he dies haha !

from wikipedia : in the end "dawn asks, "what are we going to do now?" buffy slowly begins to enigmatically smile as she contemplates the future ahead of her, ending the series on a hopeful note." SHE IS FREEEEEEEEE

verse. meanwhile / the world goes on › goodbye sunnydale.

basically everything after sunnydale. i don't follow the comics bc i haven't read them. i like to think that buffy rests. she has a big giant rest. i'll flesh this out later !

marvel verse: verse. it’s open season on all suckheads › the mcu.

verse. the strange and unexplained › xfiles.

[no1tolerateitfan]

im currently battling period cramps holy fuck

[acgoose]

Hi, me again. I'm the chick that posted the whole: "how did you guys realize you were trans" post. Thank you for the replies and reblogs and your own stories, a lot of the stuff you guys were saying was really kinda scarily relatable.

And I think I'm coming to the conclusion I might be a trans man. I literally yearn to be a guy so freaking bad.

And it's like, I feel like I'm gonna explode. I've related to a lot of things people have said, the internalized misogyny, being referred to as the opposite gender, I mean shit, I remember actively trying to make myself look more masculine and low-key fucking loving it, but also hating it because holy shit, this is wrong, I should be doing this, I'm a chick, I'm supposed to be a girl, why do I wanna be a guy??! The guilt was insane.

I think it was harder for me to figure this out because of how much I like being a girl(in a sense) and how much I like makeup and wearing dresses. And as much as I like being a chick, I also hate it, I hate the feminization, I hate having to force it on myself because it feels weird. I like wearing dresses that make me look smexy but I hate wearing dresses when it's with the intent of making myself a girl. I like wearing makeup because it makes me look pretty, but I hate wearing makeup in the act to try and look and present myself as a girl.

Am I trans? I definitely think so. Am I 100% positive about it? No, because I still have doubts that this is actually who I am, though I think that's the part of me that's still trying to hang onto girlhood and go right back into the closet. I think right now is actually a great time for me since I'm actually in one of the best mental states of my life, to actually start trying this out. And if it's not for me, T is always reversible, and there's like 100 genders I can go through and see what I agree with more than what I think I am: a trans man.

Anyways, thank you silly people on my tippity tappity phone on the silly app. Thank you for the replies and low-key making me feel a lot better about this.

Also if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about and are wondering what I'm yapping about, my original post will be linked. If you're wondering too, take a look at the comments and reblogs, they really helped me out. Have a good day! Someone loves ya ♥️

[operationslipperypuppet]

Ooh how about top 5 Emily moments for each PC (i.e. top moonshine moment, top fia moment, etc etc) because we know Emily is incredible and can do no wrong!

Real and true. I’ll do like 2 moments for each naddpod pc and then it’ll be like 10 moments lol. Full disclosure: this is long as hell.

Moonshine:

“You can be quick with kindness, too” and then grabbing Bev and jumping off into the Astral Sea. That whole thing, where she was trying to understand Thiala despite knowing she likely couldn’t be reasoned with. An absolute peak of Moonshine. Holy shit.

Not to be the guy who brings up “how long do half elves live” at every opportunity. But it needs to be said. Because it’s also Moonshine grappling with how her lifespan is going to work. Emily was never going to take 18 levels in druid, she didn’t want timeless body for Moonshine. But she got it. And then there’s this poignant moment where she’s grappling with everything that will mean to the only other person she knows has or will experience it. Moonshine doesn’t fear death. But she doesn’t want to live in a world without her family and friends. And that’s why it matters. Plus the hardshine of it all.

Fuck it, third one. The conversation with Deadeye. She saves him. She’s the catalyst that stops him from continuing a spiral he’d been part of for possibly 100 years. And he stopped her from going down a similar path, which was Brennan’s plan when he made the character. The Cybin siblings are something that can be so personal.

Fia:

“Maybe I don’t want to be her sister, okay!” Fia was closed off to the other third mates in a lot of ways. She was never hiding anything deliberately, she just kept a lot of feelings close to her chest. She hadn’t had friends in years. Blurting this out to Hank and Zirk was her last wall crumbling and a moment of true trust. Plus like the beauty of girlhood friends falling in love wlw wish fulfillment.

“You were my fucking dream for so fucking long. But these people are my reality. And it is by your actions that one of them has died, and you tried to kill more of them. And I will miss you so much. But I, I cannot support this. Mr. Henry. Kill Her.” Truly an Emily moment of all time. The beauty. The cold hearted commitment. The sobs from both her AND Caldwell.

Tarragon:

Only gonna do one here because she’s in so few episodes. The atonement to help redeem Moxora at the end of Cerenysus. “She may have rotted but she’ll make good soil”. Devastating.

Billie:

Also gonna do one here because of the shortness of her time. Her insane antics in the Grimdung/Beeto cave fight. Trying to convince Grimmy that she was worth more than his allegiance to the cause. Being completely wrong about his thought process. And the interactions with Hank and Zirk during that fight. Too fun.

Onyx:

Pretending to be Porker Harris for the entire Merry Metal Mayhem two shot. Insane choice. She was dressed as him dead I think actually. And tried to convince Sonic that she was him. The triplets are too good.

Befriending KT. Getting her plane seat upgraded while sitting in the bad seats. Asking for her opinion on everything. So dumb. So incredible.

Callie:

Fucking. Crown of Dreams. Right at the end. She finally isn’t confused or a nannerfly. And she takes a turn to Lay on Hands Sol (who was 2 death save failures in the hole and it really felt like Caldwell’s skin of his teeth luck had finally run out) and then casts compelled duel on Ultrus to save Glen. Gets me every time. God what an episode.

Little strange, but when they’re fighting the Bronzebeards and that guy who was controlling people with the worms in the woods on the way to Irondeep. She like climbs up something, Fey Steps, attacks or casts a spell, then asks Hardwon to catch her. And Hardwon “nods like he’s seen this kind of bullshit before”. Just a very fun moment.

So sorry for going off like that. Hope people enjoy reading this insane list lmao

[gay-poet-gabriel]

Broken Hymn to My Holy Mother

My mother died just a month before the spring I turned 3. I have no memory of her, nothing more than whatever bond was created in those short years together, but I always imagined her as some kind of immaculate figure. (The idea of her I could never quite grasp with both hands, assimilate into myself). For so long, and quite often as of late, I've been reflecting on how her death has shaped me. To say the least, I have always been this profoundly sad child, and never particularly courageous. I think maybe there are some things that I will never be able to do because of the way things went awry so early, and it hurts. With only a father, I've never had a figure that could be quite open about feelings as a mother can. I've never had anyone who could share whatever 'girlhood' I had left. Since her death, I've suffered through an 8 year relationship between my father and an abusive stepparent. It changed me in even more irrevocable ways, and I romanticize the idea that everything would be okay if my mother didn't die. This work was very hard to create, the idea in of itself something I've only tried to write about very few times in my life. It hurt hard and clear to be forced to verbalize a decade's worth of feelings I've had nobody to communicate to. I'm not sure that I will ever really know how to cope with grief; I don't know why or how we are meant to endure this, but I think I understand a little clearer now that to heal we don't always need to have our thoughts held in both hands; sometimes, healing is just to sit in the sunlight for a while and acknowlege that everything you've ever wanted is just behind fear, to acknowlege that sometimes the way home is a long one.

tldr; mama dead an i miss her maybe but its chill its so chill

[eesirachs]

i am thinking about Mary!!! Imagine being Gods mother! I wonder why Mary?? Why did he chose Mary? The bliss & dread of being God’s mom. Imagine seeing Jesus grow up and the affection she felt towards him! I imagine his little baby hands in her warm loving mother hands and the holy scent he exuded. And how intoxicating it was for her and those near him. I imagine her having a bittersweet presentiment way before. Way way before. I imagine her endless unendurable stinging love

maybe he knew she could take it. or maybe he knew she couldn't but loved her anyway. maybe it was just because she was davidic. maybe he got lucky with that one. maybe she had the kindest eyes. maybe she knew grief in ways that comforted him, that let him know that when he died she would be able to hold his corpse.

the thing about being told you will bear god is that you know, then and there, that you will bury him. no prophet outlives his mother. to know god is to die wrong—to be god must be worse. mary grieves from the annunciation onwards, then. she mothers in a way that is always mournful. she knows she will bury her son. she probably also knows, as the god-bearer herself, that she won't be afforded any such burial. mary and her son are both dead from the start, and so they can grieve each other.

and yet, mary has levity. maybe that's what it is about her: levity despite her ongoing grief. she's not a woman, she's a girl. and her girlhood matters: she would be charmed by her infant, absolutely enamored. holding his baby hands and smelling his baby head, just like you say. jesus probably thought his name was the sound of her coo-ing, the amount she must have done it. she loved him in ways no one else did or could have. here's a girl who gives birth to god and brags about it at parties. here's a girl who says yes to something she can't consent to. but most of all, here's a girl with a lap. just the right size for god at his birth and then again, 30 some odd years later

[riyaaaaaaaaaah]

i cant get barbie out of my head bro. of course i should enjoy being a girl and get excited about becoming a woman. why shouldnt i? why did i ever think i shouldnt. im so glad i realised the truth that womanhood and girlhood are difficult but so fun and pretty and satisfying and empowering and most of all so so worth it holy crap

[steely-eyedmissileman]

The Vampire Diaries, Ep. 1x06

Lost Girls

by some arguments, every girl in this show is a lost girl.

we begin with a historical flashback. i love historical flashbacks (in supernatural shows and otherwise). the best episode of late seasons teen wolf is undoubtedly the bete du gevaudan episode in season five. not only does it bring back crystal reed in a more satisfying role, it takes place entirely in eighteenth century france. many of the best moments of buffy take place in this past. taking the viewer to the past allows us to see how these characters became themselves. seeing the start explains the end.

i was very excited to see the historical flashbacks, and i will talk about the content of them, but i must first say 'holy historical inaccuracy, batman!' no one ever dressed like any of these people. also, stefan is wearing the stupidest coat i've ever seen. it look terrible! it's a bit unnerving how bad it is.

okay, so it's virginia in eighteen sixty four. they were always going to be confederates. which begs the question, why not just make it eighteen forty four or eighteen eighty four or something? why do we have to see damon in a confederate uniform? yeah, he's not very committed to the confederate cause or whatever, but they own slaves, and he's in the army. and i'm supposed to like these people?! i'm supposed to root for the former confederate and slave owner? i'm supposed to want him to get his happy ending. no thank you. and i am fucking sure the show isn't going to discuss this. if they do, it will be unsubtle and terrible. save me, please.

my final flashback thought: katherine has big darla vibes. the scene where she turns stefan is so reminiscent of angel's siring in becoming (part one). i think buffy did it better, but i am always happy to see more unhinged, evil vampire women. let's hope katherine gets to skip at least one darla plot line...

to tie the flashbacks in to the rest of the episode: is katherine a lost girl? i certainly think so. she's lost in a different way than the present day girls on the show. katherine is not a girl who is lost. she has lost being a girl. instead of girl, she is monster. she looks like a girl and should be a girl. however, she is only monster made flesh, evil in a beautiful mask. she has lost girlhood.

this also leads to the realization that stefan's obsession with elena is largely mommy issues. (at least his initial obsession.) damon fits this too. they are both into her because she reminds them of the woman who made them, of their some-kind-of-mother. katherine is not their biological mother, but she is their mother in the ways that matter most after over a century.

now on to the obvious lost girl: vicki. i've had some pretty bad stuff to say about the writing of vicki in previous episodes—that has not changed. vicki continues to have no agency. she is certainly lost, lost in her life. she has nothing to live for (except drugs). she has nothing to do, no one to love. everything she does feels more like a dart thrown at a wall than an intentional choice. she has been kidnapped by damon, she has been drugged by damon. she has been killed by damon. (i have to admit that the conversation immediately before he killed her was wonderful. damon is so out of touch with reality and the ways that humans normally conduct themselves are nearly in a different reality from his actions.) at none of those points did she have anything to do with the decisions being made about her body.

even when she kills news boy (yay!), that's not her doing. she is merely answering the whims of her body, not consciously choosing what to do. this entire plot line is a war over vicki's body, and how to react to her becoming a vampire. the one person who is not consulted on this is vicki. it's a proxy war for damon and stefan, not a place to listen to and help vicki. they don't ask what she wants, don't think about her as a character who can drive her own narrative, just a pawn in their fucked up family games.

the montage of her and damon was deeply funny. for one thing, damon dancing on the ceiling is one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life. despite reports to the contrary, it absolutely belongs in the same category as 'cocaptains.' also we heard twenty one guns by green day, a song i love! i also knew the song immediately before it, but not the name. luckily my girlfriend could tell me it was enjoy the silence by depeche mode.

before we get to the end of the episode, let's discuss: will i ever care about jeremy even a little bit? signs point to no. like vicki, he is not a character, just a problem for elena to solve. (more on jeremy in the next episode.)

also, fashion: of the two thousand nine variety. stefan is wearing a boring ass blue shirt because he's a boring ass blue shirt kind of guy. it's less flattering than the leather jacket, but it's also more him. why is elena's hair always straighter than a piece of paper? even several hours after she must have done her hair. also why does she wear that horrible leather jacket? it's just so bad!

also, where was bonnie?

now, the last scene: elena breaks up with stefan. then she goes inside and sinks to the floor, sobbing. he stands outside the door, looking constipated sad. sad music that is entirely too loud plays over the sobbing. it somewhat undercuts the mood. i predict they will get back together in ~three episodes. the end.

[sundaynightlive]

My Live Heartstopper 2 Reactions

Right so this is an EXTREMELY long post and I know nobody cares but it helped me get all my emotions out in a healthy way instead of punching walls so that’s a plus 👍🏻. MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR SPOILERS, so be warned, aight? Some of my reactions are genuinely funny—wish I had filmed myself because oh boy.

(TW: Eating disorders and homophobia. Also: Chaos, spoilers, and unhealthy fangirling).

Episode 1

Oh my god I’m literally more nervous for this than I was for my tattoo I’m gonna cry

HI ❤️

Charlie you better eat that cereal why are you just holding it.

The soundtrack is already banging holy balls.

THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE OH MY GOSH.

AGGRESSIVE KISSING OH MY GOD THAT WAS CRAZY THE PASSION I—

They’re so happy. I’m so happy they’re happy. And the smile every time they greet each other. And they’re BESTIES which is SO REAL.

THE UPSIDE-DOWN KISS SHOT WAS MAGICAL—

Ooh I missed the little sparkles of Heartstopper

Need this tattooed on my body fr.

Elle is gorgeous. Elle is gorgeous. Elle is gorgeous and I love her. She’s gorgeous. Oh my gosh my sapphic heart wants her so bad.

That was weird. Oop—that product placement is as a tiny bit goofy? Was the product placement? I’ve only read one book.

No she fancies Ben—I already can see it coming. No NO NO NO NO IMOGEN NO.

Oh I can feel the stress. I have to look up what this test is I guess because I can FEEL the stress—NEVERMIND I KNOW WHAT THE STRESS IS—

This is an incredible scene. Oh my FUCKING god.

This teacher is really doing the most for no reason.

I NEED YOU.

Of course Harry’s out here saying some slightly misogynistic shit out the gate.

Elle and Tao will be magical together I already know.

YES OH MY GOD THEY GET DOODLES TOO?????? YESSSSSSS.

Bro is this product placement or is it in the comics. It must be in the comics and I just don’t know about it lmao. Because otherwise this product placement is WILD.

UH OH NO UH OH STOP PLEASE I CAN’T—alright it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Deep breaths. Whew all good.

As a partially-closeted gay person that was a lot for me.

I love Tori and her actress so much (is actress still a real term??? I feel like it’s not).

This is cute huh.

I love Imogen. I love Imogen. She’s so cute.

SHE’S AN ALLY IM PISSING—

God Elle is gorgeous in every scene.

Tao’s hair isn’t even bad idk what everybody was saying in the first season it’s goofy but it’s not the worst haircut in the world.

THAT WAS SO INTENSE. THEY HAVE CRAZY CHEMISTRY WHAT????!?????

Isaac always reading is such a vibe he just likes to be in the room with everyone and it’s so me.

You got this Nick. I love you and I believe in you.

Woah Tao. Simmer down babe.

YOU GOT THIS! YOU GOT IT! They are so supportive it’s so wonderful this is so sweet fuck me.

THAT WAS SO GOOD.

“I’m sorry I don’t actually know how to react,” IS A PERFECT REACTION FUCK.

Oh balls I KNEW IT.

They’re girls together. I love watching girlhood between queer people. This show is everything.

Hands ✨

I wish I had this many friends.

HI LEAVES HOW ARE YOU—AHHHHHHHH KISSES YES. This is kind of a lot for being in front of everyone.

Darcy is so real.

Not the hanky panky.

BRING ON THE BROTHER. This is the bullshit fuckery im excited for I want nick to DESTROY HIS HOMOPHOBIC BROTHER. Verbally, of course.

Episode 2

Why is everyone struggling? I kind of hate this trope so much my grades did not slip when I got in a secret homosexual relationship I was literally valedictorian I promise it’s not that distracting.

Bros being so mean wtf.

Woah I have never seen Charlie looking so much like Joe.

Mum’s sassy woah.

DAVID. BRING ON THE BROTHER. FIST FIIIIIIIGHT.

Sorry I’m just excited.

Kit Connor is so pretty.

I FORGOT CHARLIE’S A DRUMMER THAT’S SO RANDOM AND COOL.

Not the WHAT with the blank expression.

Wait that is so cute #meandmygf when both our parents are psycho conservatives #starcrossedlovers

❤️

Ben and Imogen is such a fucking no I feel sick. I am literally sick.

I know all these extras are so freaking excited to be here—I love them all.

Who tf says ‘eve’ in a text?

Ben’s weird ass look lmao.

This is goofy and I love it. Fuck off Ben stop with that state.

Dude Mr. Farouk needs to chill so hard.

SHUT THE FUCK UP BEN. GET HIM NICK. SICK EM. EAT SHIT.

Broooo why would you put them in a room together are you frickin serious?????

NICK YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE HIM I hate Ben so much I what a perfect perfect perfect gray-area villain

David what are you even talking about rn.

God they are good together are you kidding? They casted so perfectly I’ve never been more in love with a couple in my life. They are phenomenal actors because idk how they could be like this and not be in love.

The SOUNDTRACK ARE YOU KIDDING

“I think Nellie loves him” NO YOU

The queer extras are my favorite in the whole world.

NON-BINARY PERSON oh my god hi me too

God she’s perfect here. To be fair she’s just generally perfect. THE THREE OF THEM ARE PERFECT.

What a lovely conversation for this show to have, so simple and so chill and so real.

Oh Tao. I love you I wish I could give you a hug, poor dude.

If Ben fucks up Nick’s math exam istg—

Oh Imogen—I’m so sorry sweetheart.

Oh shit fuck this feels like such unnecessary stress I hate hate hate hate hate this—NO BRO RAISE YOUR HAND AND TELL HER—

Bro if he’s in trouble I’m gonna lose it I will literally be so sad.

Elle is stunning.

Elle he likes you oh my god ELLE HE LIKES YOU.

Gosh she’s tall too I love tall women.

Bro what marvel movie were they watching ????? Hello ????? Also—David is still here isn’t he?

NELLIE IS PERFECT.

No no no no no no no no no bro I’m gonna be physically ill.

PUNCH THAT MF IN THE FACE holy FUCK.

Oh my god this is so sad, but also definitely the conflict I’m here for and not this schoolwork shit. I hate schoolwork conflicts.

It’s not your fault Charlie I’m so sorry.

God Mom he needs you right now are you serious?????

We all know damn well you did not eat at Nick’s.

To be so fair this is exactly what happened to me and my gf when we started telling people it just became a mess.

Oh god the voice memo was perfect Nick. That was such a perfect way to get your sincerity across. Wow I LOVE that.

CUT YOUR HAIR OUT OF JEALOUSY TAO !!!

That’s half a joke.

But I would do it (I’m crazy and petty).

Cantonese is very soft or maybe it was just the way she said it but my ears liked it.

I deadass thought she was gonna be right behind him lmao.

Episode 3

IKEA??????? Boy.

Aw nice boys. Thank you.

The way Otis just looked back like bro are you serious—

Damn it he almost had it shit.

Charlie and Joe are ebbing and flowing and I love that he’s like 15-dimensional it’s so nice and natural I love Joe he is so talented.

YAY SHE IS SO NICE ARE YOU SERIOUS???? SHE HAS A WIFE. My girlfriend did women’s rugby gayest sport in the world. I literally just jumped up and down this show is so good fuck.

HER LITTLE GIGGLE SDFGHJKL

Tao not on the school computer wtf.

I’m like actually stressed about Charlie’s paper and Nick’s math I remember being stressed and fucked up by these things and I do not like the coursework issues as pieces of plot it really gets me—not to say it’s the show’s fault. I think that’s just because school killed me.

Oh Tara and Darcy.

I am in fear. I am currently in very much fear.

Ben looks like such an ass fr.

DARCY’S SARCASM IM PISSING—

HE IS SO SWEET ABSOLUTELY SO SWEET. HOLY PISS AND SHIT THIS IS PERFECT. AND HIS HAAAAAAIR. OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING.

THAT WAS ADORABLE.

They are very good together.

The 1975???? Slay?????

I LOVE TORI. IM PISSING.

“Look after him. Or you die.”

The most unrealistic thing about this show is that people don’t know they’re together when they’re always standing so fucking close together and glancing at each others’ mouths.

Now why is that popcorn so big.

Bro Elle looks perfect all the time I would also be awkwardly silent next to her.

Oh Tara.

Joe and Nick look SO GOOD in these outfits.

Elle definitely put her hand there on purpose so he’d grab it.

BRO WHAT IS GOING ON THIS IS PAINFUL.

I take it back Nick should’ve been wearing different pants.

Oh no this is literally my nightmare.

Bro Harry putting his arm around Nick like nothing’s wrong and the panic that must be flooding through Nick’s veins is so FUCKING REAL I have been in situations so similar to this and if he comes out now I will never forgive Alice because this is a horrific time for this.

I am uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today.

Oh Tao I love you I’m so sorry. God he is so me. God what a nice hug. I feel so bad for him. Holy fuck.

And CHARLIE god this is my nightmare.

Oh Nick too.

EVERYONE IS SAD AND I AM SAD.

Oh baby oh my god.

Charlie is a literal angel AND SO IS NICK’S MOM.

YOU DON’T OWE THEM ANYTHING. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MESSAGE.

Oh Charlie my heart aches for you.

Episode 4

Charlie why wouldn’t you sit next to each other???? Charlie???? What is this madness?????

Tao’s hair is slaying.

Mr. Farouk is crazy.

Paris is gonna fix everything I see.

Okay Nick and Tao getting together makes my heart absolutely so full.

NICK’S DAD IS FRENCH??????? Bro I need to read these don’t I?

Aw Mr. Farouk’s little smile.

Darcy is fantastic at changing the subject I wish I had the skill.

Bro Ben’s whole role this season is glaring I’m pissing myself giggling about it.

Bro read the ROOM of COURSE they wanted to share.

Um why is their room so tiny????

Even their hands look perfect together god DAMN.

WAIT Tao that was so fucking sweet.

NO THIS IS THE HICKEY SCENE. THIS IS THE HICKEY SCENE. OH MY GOD IS THIS THE HICKEY SCENE?

Incredible like delivery Kizzy FUCK I loved that.

Also it was not the hickey scene.

Ben looks so unenthused with Imogen at all times and I’m pissed about it.

Jesus that was rude Ben. Fuck you.

This is so weird but I wanna know what order they shot these scenes in bc the whole bus scene Farouk kept being all smiley towards Ajayi but now he’s like super unimpressed with him and it’s not tracking but honestly that’s kind of sweet and almost like foreshadowing I love it.

Tao. Looks. So. Good.

ELLE’S BOOTS ARE FIRE ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

Charlie just grab his hand there’s literally no one around.

NICK BEING FLUENT IN FRENCH IS SO GOOD AND IMPRESSIVE DOES CHARLIE KNOW?????

Also Kit Connor speaking French is just ahhhhhh

TARA’S A DANCER??? ME TOO. ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO.

Darcy is so my girlfriend. Don’t worry Tara she’ll come around I promise. My girlfriend didn’t say I love you back to me for months babe. It’s just hard for some people.

Charlie…

God Paris is beautiful.

Straight people are so goofy thinking relationships mean you stop being friends.

BRO THIS SONG GOES CRAZY????

Okay the yelling was so funny.

They’re perfect together for real.

The BUTTERFLIES???? THE BUTTERFLIES????

I actually love Imogen so much. Ben needs to get his greasy hands off her fr.

Darcy’s non-binary shirt is everything. Thank you Heartstopper, thank you Kizzy.

WHY IS CHARLIE BY BEN???? WHO ALLOWED THIS?????

NO. NO NO NO. NO.

Okay. Deadass, I wish I had recorded myself—The whole conversation just went down, and I sat there with my hand shaking around my face, and when HARRY went “There’s no reason to call her a bitch” I fucking LOST MY MIND because you know it’s bad when HARRY SAYS SOMETHING OBJECTIVELY CORRECT. I deadass SCREAMED.

Oh Imogen so wrong but also so cute about it anyway.

Tao and Nick talking makes my heart so happy I want them to be besties.

This is so sweet. Fuck.

Is Nick’s dad a factor here? Because I’m stressed.

I love when my gf hugs me like that.

“Giant Rugby idiot”

Wait this is wild oh my god?????

Real talk—when my gf gets that close to me and is kissing my neck I do not silently stare at the ceiling but I get it we’re innocent and sweet in this house.

Bro the hickey reveal is SO GOOD.

Episode 5

Oh his dad is ghosting him fuck.

Soundtrack going off again

Also unrealistic—giving a hickey without knowing how? You have to suck SO HARD bro—

I’m fully laughing my ass off.

TAO’S EYES I—

I just screamed “OH MY GOD THIS SHOT IS INCREDIBLE THIS IS ART” at the top of my lungs and the neighbors definitely heard but BLURRY BEN SITTING IN BETWEEN MATCHING NICK AND CHARLIE WHEN HE LEARNS ABOUT THE HICKY???? 10/10 cinema. Give it an Oscar right now.

That’s the biggest croissant I have ever seen.

BEN BLURRY IN THE BACKGROUND OF THESE SHOTS IS JUST SO—

Joe Locke is gorgeous I can’t. He’s like literally a sculpture.

SHUT UP HARRY.

Oh my fucking god.

“I don’t give a rats ass rudeboy, grow up” is the single greatest like in all of Heartstopper and I will tattoo it on my body.

What is Nick’s outfit? Why do they keep giving him ridiculous pants?

Tao and Elle are a fucking gorgeous couple.

GO OFF ISAAC. GO OFF.

Kizzy and Corinna are just ah just god just I want them both just AH.

THAT FRAME OF BEN AND NICK IS FUNNIER THAN THE ONE THAT WENT VIRAL.

I hate Ben. I am going to cry.

I’m scared Charlie’s going to pass out. Imagine he just falls off the tower lmao what a twist one of them literally dies 😭😭

HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! Good job Isaac.

Okay he JUST called are you serious?

Tao’s fits are fucking fire bro.

SO ARE YOU CHARLIE. SO ARE YOU.

Doing a friend lock instead of a boyfriend one is so real.

I’m really freaked about the end of the season. I feel like I know the storm that’s coming and I don’t know if I can take it.

Nick being able to talk to anyone about everything is the best trope of this entire show. He is truly a saint (Santa Claus type beat lmfao)

No Charlie eat please. I’m begging you. You deserve love and food. I love him. I love this show.

Kizzy is so handsome.

Things are falling apart. I am falling apart. This is bad. This is real bad.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY ELLE AND TAO WHEN I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING ELSEWHERE???????

Yeah okay I’m enjoying it I LOVE THEM!!!!

THE BUTTERFLIES.

Beautiful artist couple.

I wanna understand. He wants. To. Understand. MY PARENTS DIDN’T EVEN— AHHHAGDJAHANDHEJAB he’s a saint.

Nick is about to make me uncontrollably sob.

He was so close to I love you fr.

I hate Nick’s outfit so much.

Charlie finding out he speaks French has me KICKING MY FUCKING FEET AND GIGGLING.

Gets in trouble, “Run!” *runs towards the person getting them in trouble*

They look so genuinely perfect together it’s insane. The casting for this shit is fucking crazy.

Goated soundtrack.

Why does Nick have to be dressed like this though like I get it but I completely do not get it.

I’m uncomfy.

Oh god. He doesn’t know me. This is getting way, WAY to real now.

I just belly laughed at Tao sheepishly shuffling out of the bathroom and going, “I have something to share.”

Okay this is adorable I wish I had friends in high school (or ever)

WAIT OH MY GOD—I was upset they got busted by I AM NOT EVEN REMOTELY UPSET ANYMORE.

This is fucking perfect.

This show does not fail to save me. It saved me with the first season and it’s saving me a second time now.

Isaac in the bookstore is so me.

Oh yes YES YES YES!

The pride street. I’m fucking sobbing.

The hand shot?!?!? THE HAND SHOT?!?!

I really need Tara and Darcy to talk.

Oh no this is not what I want I really do not want this I really don’t like that there is alc here in this situation.

Ben is here??? What???

Everyone and their brother has a crush on Charlie and like I totally get it but also he is so OBLIVIOUS.

LUCY DACUS???? FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Also the ace/aro representation is so good I fuckin love you Isaac.

“No.”

Okay let me be so real, Harry is an ass but Ben assaulted Charlie and he gets to be here???? Like not that I want Harry to be around either but????? Like?????

WHO INVITED BEN?!?!?

TAO’S SCARY ASS CRAWL I CAN’T—

YES. YES NICK. FUCK IM CRASHING.

Darcy why tho.

They are such good actors it’s so hard to remember they aren’t actually in love.

Not to be delulu but they are so Merlin/Arthur core.

I thought they were about to have an “oh shit I’m about to get turned on” moment but it didn’t go that way.

ONE BED TROPE. YASSSSSS. YASSSS. GAY TEACHERS. YASSSS.

WHAT IS THAT MELODYYYY??????

They sleep like me and my gf do, always switching positions. Got that’s so real. I’m fucking obsessed.

Peach comforter cute as hell.

Good song. Heard it on the soundtrack before.

Holy BALLS JOE LOCKE IS BEAUTIFUL.

YES ELLE! YES ELLE!

TAO PICKING UP HIS MOTHER SUPREMACY

“My summer is for sleeping.” Tori is me.

Ben. Actually piss off. There will be no accidental adultery in this show. I’m manifesting.

Oh Darcy. The purple clouds are amazing detail but Oh Darcy.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

Tell him.

Tell him.

You promised. Tell him.

CONAN GRAY? IN MY CITY?

PHYSICALLY GASPED AT ELLE.

Yes. Yes Isaac yes. Fuck. I love you Isaac. YOU ARE FREE FROM EVERYONE ELSE’S PICTURE OF LIFE. YOU’RE AMAZING. FUCK.

MORE CONAN?

Yes Tao. He’s fucking supportive. I can see it in his face.

THE PAINTING???? THE ART ROOM?????

TAO THAt IS SO FUCKING MATURE.

My parents will never accept me either but I’m not a goddamn predator asshole.

This is fucking RAW. Oh my GOD. God, Charlie that was fucking powerful and perfect. Me too. I feel it. I felt you. AND HE STEPPED AWAY FROM THE RAINBOW HE COULD HAVE GONE IN AND SEEN.

FUCK.

Fuck you David. I already know you’re about to do some DUMB SHIT.

Bro did they not warn Charlie’s parents?????

GO OFF TORI.

Oh my god GO OFF NICK???? GO OFF???? HOLY FUCK????

He’s not a very good dad, is he?

I like Nick’s pink shirt.

I love Tori so fucking much. Oh my GOD.

Your brother’s a prick.

Oh Nick. Oh NICK. Oh Nick.

Darcy, baby. Fuck.

(Good ass soundtrack tho)

Episode 8

I’m so stressed about Charlie. Please no storm.

Okay this time the soundtrack jumped in a little too strong????

SWITCH! SWITCH!

NICK’S OUTFIT IS FIRE (it’s just the jumper but still)

ALLY! ALLY! (Except they’re both gay lmfao)

WINGWOMAN! That’s the word.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

Fuck. I’m gonna sob.

YES THEY’RE CONNECTING.

Me neither.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Noooo Charlie nooooo it’s not gonna be like that. Charlie I’m so sorry. Fuck fuck fuck.

FOLKLORE POSTER??? YES??

GOD ELLE IS GORGEOUS. AND I LOVE HER PARENTS.

CHARLIE LOOKS FANTASTIC WTFFFFFFF.

Isaac with the book I love it.

God Seven’s gonna play about Darcy. Seven’s gonna fucking play about Darcy.

MLM WLW SOLIDARITY

YASSSS GET IT QUEEN!!!!

I FUCKING LOVE TAO’S LITTLE HEARTS?????

AND ELLE HAS THEM OHHHHH MY GOD.

lmao Tori.

Harry 🫠🫠🫠🫠

YES GAY TEACHERS.

Imogen is literally gay lmfao.

YAS ISAAC GOT LEAVES FUCK YES FUCK YES I’m sobbing I love queer joy I’m gonna fall apart

The way VERY OBVIOUSLY QUEER extras are the ones gossiping and stressing Charlie out 😭😭😭

No. No. No.

Fuck that woman so hard oh my god.

TINY NICK.

Me too Darcy. I love you. THEY ARE PERFECT. THEY ARE PERFECT. They are me 😭😭 this is so personal to me.

SEVEN! SEVEN! SEVEN! ITS SO SAPPHIC! ITS SO THEM!

These people have got to know they are making something so FUCKING special for queer people. This is my next tattoo for sure.

Queer joy.

THEY LOOK MARRIED!!! THEY LOOK MARRIED!!!!?

THIS IS SO DOMESTIC.

Please talk to him.

Do not fight right now I swear to god.

You don’t have to be perfect with me.

Oh Charlie oh my god. Nick’s fuckiNG TEARS—I just.

This scene. Is. Perfect. Fuck.

THE WHISPERING. THE FUCKING WHISPERING. THE BROKEN ASS WHISPERING.

FOREHEAD KISSES????? IN THIS ECONOMY??????

That blue looks GOOD on him.

The storm was a light rain that spilled the rivers over, but it was fun to walk in and the mud made nice pies, and everything was alright, because they made them together.

this SONG????????

BANGING MY HEAD AGAINSST A WALL.

In conclusion, I will be getting a heartstopper tattoo at my nearest convenience. I’ll be sure to post it.

Also, here’s a cookie for lasting this long 🍪

[septembersghost]

Do you think "give me back my girlhood" is directly about sex

no, to me it's more complicated than that alone, although the feeling of pressure and dubious consent regarding some elements of that is a component of the song, and of that relationship dynamic. i personally think it refers more to her sense of belief and innocence towards the world, and towards love - you're a crisis of my faith, and all the broken religious imagery speaks to that. i think she had a very starry-eyed view, of romance, and of him, and then felt that was ripped away from her, that she had been used and deceived and treated like nothing. i also think it set her on a...harmful path for a while (the following relationship being a component of this), and left some real trauma and permanent scars with her self-worth and fears of betrayal, things which kept getting negatively reinforced by other people and situations. to me, it's like...this hope was *mine* and it was precious, and you stole that from me and thrust me into situations i wasn't prepared for and offered no support, only hurt and damage, and it made me question my foundation and faith in everything good in the world. this can happen with emotional/psychological abuse even without a physical component. and the song can be personalized for the listener in many ways, where it speaks to different kinds of harm and manipulation, which i think is why it's hit so many of us so hard. god rest my soul, i miss who i used to be is grieving the sweet, promising girl she feels she was and the spiritual death she experienced in losing that and being pushed into a painful circumstance and then tossed aside. (wish i'd never grown up, it could still be simple.) you had no right to take this innocence from me, and i hate that you did and that i was a part of letting it happen. i reflect on it like a holy relic, like a passage scattered across stained glass windows, i crawl out of it like a tomb. how dare you think you could touch and wither that hope. give it back to me. it was mine first.

[devotionbled]

3, 7, 8, 9

send me a number for my muse to talk about …

3. someone they miss

She misses the Phoenix dearly, even when they dance around each other in the present. He can hold her, embrace a forehead with a kiss, and she will still miss him. It is a curious thing, her heart and mind. The yearning is crippling when he is not near; it feels like dying. Everything reminds her of him. And she still feels like she is kissing death when he is near. It is a sickening thing, her devotion. She does not know where she begins or when the shape of him ends. She misses him, she misses him, she misses him. It is devastating to adore a dying man whom everyone in the Undying tells you that will be your end. They tell her he will be the one to kill her. She believes it, with how much she misses him. It is a sickness, a fever that sets her body on fire and scorches flesh to burn out nerves. She thinks if it was not for him, she would feel naught at all.

She thinks she is dying in her own sorrow in the absence of light.

7. someone they view as a mentor

Her mother The High Priestess Ashe has been her guiding light. Her words lead her through the dark, the hymns she has taught Jote from a young age. She has taught her death is a part of life; it matters not if one is delivered to rebirth sooner. Ashe is why she has a sick understanding that people die--it is a gift when she digs a blade into their flesh. Merely whisper a prayer of awakening and she will be forgiven. They will come back, after all.

8. someone they view as a role model

Her sister in name Abbess of Inferno, Fran is someone she puts on a pedestal. She is someone she adores dearly--someone she can never be. Fran's devotion is different to hers. It is less vile, less abhorrent, less of muchness. Jote wishes she could see the Phoenix just as he is; holy and good. Instead, she is burnt by the otherness of her own feelings. Fran sees the Phoenix as he is. She can separate god from the human realm. Fran can see him as holy, without sacrilege. Fran is good, she does not succumb to human yearning like she does. Jote wishes she could be less than what she is, to be like Fran; to be less poisoned by sin.

9. someone they would like to befriend

Jote has loved summer enough. She has been burnt enough by the comforting warmth of the Phoenix. Not to say she tires of it--when her corpse is so dull and lukewarm in the space between inferno and ice. Someone she would like to entwine her own fate with is Jill Warrick. Winter is a foreign concept. She would like to know what it is like to lace fingers with glacial salvation. To bear witness to the nightmare of the flames. Outside of binaries of the glacial to the hot, she sees a kindred spirit in Jill. They may not be one and the same, but she thinks she understands what it is like to kill your own girlhood. To be told to be something small, to be a weapon, to be nothing less than obedient.

[lucysarah-c]

Holy Ground "MC" creation and birthday

This is, not at all, an important detail but I felt like sharing. First I want to clarify that, while I do not believe in astrology. I find it extremely entertaining despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing about it.

With a friend from here, @nube55 , we were discussing the rising signs of each Holy Ground main character etc.

And I suddenly realized that I have never confessed to you, the readers of this story, the only detail I selfishly allowed myself to add.

I had always wanted to separate myself from the Main Character of the story (aka MC, the reader or YN) because it's just …not me, I'm not that person. Not even when I read it or write it I think of myself. I'm aware it's a self insert but the character I have in my mind it's my OC, that while some OCs are self-inserts this is not the case. I try to add as minimum as possible details of the MC so people can feel that they are "her". That's why when I draw her I don't even give her name, she has one in my head but I feel like if I don't give it people would keep thinking of her as "them".

Anyways, the only pure detail that I allowed myself to add to that character was … her birthday. And I do have a "logical" reason why and another not so logical hahaha.

The logical one first, please. MC is meant to be, almost the entire story 17. Why? You may be asking, then the answer is simple. I feel 17 holds a lot of "power" as an age for women, or at least for me. I feel there's this sort of society or literature idealization of the age "17". You're an adult but not just yet. You're almost there but you're not there.

The sexualisation of innocence in the Girlhood but at the same time the protection of "well she's not a girl anymore either". This sort of "loophole" where being innocent is a sort of "she's a good girl! A good traditional girl!" But also the idea that "... She's been through it, I'm sure … like she's not a girl anymore". Before turning 18 and suddenly everybody expects you to not be a "prude"

You see my point? This is exactly what the reader is going through. She's in her "peek" of "I'm the center of the attention, I'm a natural ingenue..I'm a girl with my girl dreams of wearing a pretty dress and won prom queen" but at the same time she's running out of that magical spell, like Cinderella close to midnight, where people are starting to think that "she's too old to play the princess in distress and needs to get down to reality".

But also the "OH NO how you dare to act like a woman! You're supposed to be an immaculate angel!"

I had always thought that 17 holds that meaning. That power. Also because I always think of MC while listening "Dancing Queen" by ABBA 🤣 "You're are the dancing queen. Young and sweet. Only seventeen"

Then dates. You know I'm obsessed with everything being calculated and dates are no exception. I think "specific" dates in a story hold power. Tell me, me writing "oh we got together in March" in chapter 16 would have felt the same as her saying "We got together on the 24th of March," ? No, it didn't. Didn't it?

Now about literatura purposes. I like the idea that the story is a mix between a "far away fairy tale " And a "autobiography". So I like this idea of "on the summer of my 18th, you looked me in the eyes and told me that you loved me. When she's narrating, she always talks about "the summers of my …" "the winter of my…" to which we conclude she has a SPECIFIC age during winters and summers.

Her birthday can't be in the middle of those seasons because it would make it weird. So she needs to have a birthday either during Autumn or Spring.

During early Winter or Autumn there were already too many events and she was training with Levi during Autumn so the story would start either with her turning 17 or never touching her birthday at all. Which wasn't the intention. Then, we are left with Spring.

In March they get together, April is like too soon and, as I said, I wanted her to be 17 most of the time. July was too late. It had to be in May and in numbers that I liked it lol. 7 was too early, 13 was TOO MUCH Taylor swift even for me lmao and the option was left between 17 or 27. And my birthday was 27 so, I decided to treat myself and allow her and I to share a birthday.

In conclusion, MC turns 18 in the story on the 27th of May. Making her a Gemini.

All the other stuff: moon, rising, Venus, etc. We can discuss it if you want haha I have no idea.

[khaleesiofalicante]

"Godhood is just like girlhood: a begging to be believed" -forgot the author but this quote gives me chills

David represents me, like, everyday I try to wake up, but can we talk about how fucking funny it is that Alec can't think of another way to wake him up than just, pulling at him??

I was soo confused on why they were in the Unseelie Court for a hot min, ngl

David wanted his hand to be the only one holding Max. Only his lips know what Max tasted like. I love my two obviously boys not knowing the other feels exactly the same 🥰

David sighed. “Mr. Lightwood-Bane, I don’t want to train.”

“It’s Alec,” the man corrected. “Or Uncle Alec.”

David made a face.

Yeah, I kinda hate that too😂 But omg I love how Alec respected that he didn't want to fight💙💙💙

THE WAY DAVID AND MAGNUS JUST FIGHT WHEN THEY ARE PROTECTING BUT NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO🥺🥺

But they had never forced him to train. Not even once. Instead, his parents had trained harder themselves, because they had one more person to protect. THIS FAMILY>>>>

David immediately felt uneasy. He didn’t like it when other people touched his books. I understand this man on a personal level 😔

The Prince of Darkness had the blood of Lucifer. FUCK FUCK FUCK WTF??? Now I have more questions than before 😭

Going from promising to protect the love of his life to protect the love of his son's life in Rome💙

THE AMOUNT OF SASS DAVID AND ALEC HAVE TOGETHER ITS PURE GOLD JDVDJDJ

David chuckled. “There is a new travel year student from Abu Dhabi called Basheer who is nice.”

“Is he cute?”

Now he is just trying to kill that poor boy😂😂

How can they go from making me laugh with their interactions to making me cry form the immortal warlock angst???

“Gratitude has nothing to do with love,” Alec pointed out. “And I understand. I told you, it’s not easy.”

///

“I don’t think he feels you don’t care enough. You care a lot for Max,” David replied. “Maybe Magnus is worried he won’t be able to make up for it after…well, you know.”

If you put them both together they are amazing at this!! Why can't they talk like this and figure shit out more often???

David dragging Alec to see museums and historical places is a content I never knew I needed 😂😂

DAVID AND ALEC BONDING OVER RACING CARS. HOLY SHIT. I NEVER EXPECTED THIS AND YET THIS WILL LIVE IN MY MIND FOREVER JSHDKDKDKD

Can we just fast forward 15 years in the future where Mavid and Rosewood live close by with their kids and it's all good and happy and not people wanting to kill them??

“Put your seat belt on,” David said.

“There isn’t time for that-”

“PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON!” David yelled.

Alec did as he was told.

Safety is no joke to this man

He was driving like the goddamn devil himself.

“David,” Alec said carefully, clutching the car seat tightly. “You realize we’re trying not to die, right?”

Look, I know this is all horrible right now, and I want to kill Mallory and Logan so bad, but it's just this is so goddamn funny jshskdjdkdk

“I’ll be fine,” Alec said as he climbed to the roof of the moving car. “And David?”

“Yeah?”

“If you ever drive like this when my son is in the passenger seat, I will feed you to an Iblis demon.”

He heard David’s delirious laughter. “Noted!”

David: *having Truth or Dare flashbacks*

Alec walked to the warlock and grabbed him by his t-shirt. “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” IS MALEC A JOKE TO YOU???

Alec be like: he is trying to kill me, David and the love of my life, but I draw the line at hurting the Maserati!!!

“Did you just hit him with a book?” Alec asked.

David pulled him out of the car and exhaled deeply. “It’s a hardcover.”

He is my role model in life!!! It's hard seeing other people living your dream😔

Logan chuckled softly. “Sweety, that’s not even close to what we have planned for you.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT BITCH PLANNED FOR HIM???

He smiled.

The same smile Alec had seen on Jace before he did something incredibly brave and incredibly reckless.

Max is not here to say it, so I will: that was kinda hot😎 No but honest talk, everytime I forget how unhinged this man is, you hit me with a wall to remind me. Not complaining....

“We go to Devlin Corp and set the fucking place on fire until they tell us where David is,” Lexi said as if it is the obvious solution. I agree with all her plans at this point

“Don’t lie to my face,” Magnus hissed. “I know you have been teaching him warlock math.” I KNEW HE KNEW!!

“Are you mad at me?” Nicolas asked, his voice soft. “For teaching him?” You can't be math at him with that face!! I SAID WHAT I SAID!!

“I didn’t,” Leviathan shook his head. “I created the seashell for his equal.” God I hate princes of hell and his riddle-like talking. At least he is funnier than his siblings...

Max broke down in his arms, crying and shaking and gasping for breath.

Magnus didn’t know what to do.

So, he played his part and did his duty.

He held his son.

Max crying and Magnus consoling him is both the best and the worst thing😭😭

“Fine. I will text you,” Ragnor huffed. “It truly is the end of the world.” I missed his sass and exasperation so much 🥰

“What does that mean then?” Rafael asked. “Only the person who is destined to use the seashell can touch it?” Wait, so, why could Max, David and Alec touch it?? They touched it on the last part, didn't they??

Rafael kissed her on the nose. “Go. I’ll keep an eye on Idris.”

“And maybe take a shower,” Anjali wrinkled her nose.

Rafael stuck out his tongue. “I’m stress sweating, woman!”

“And I still love you!” Anjali yelled back as she walked away

✨ ❤️ ROSEWOOD SUPREMACY ❤️✨

Rafael wanted to throw everything away and go comfort his brother.

He wanted to pick up his sword and wander around the world looking for David.

But he couldn’t.

There is something so personal about the Lightwood-Bane siblings for me 🥺🥺

“I think David is not coming back,” bapak whispered. “And I’m scared it’s going to drive your brother into madness.” It would drive ME into madness so we can't really blame him...

“We already have seven,” Anjali informed a little smugly. God, Rafael wanted to marry her yesterday. Anjali is just... AHHH I ALSO WANT TO MARRY HER😍😍😍

“I asked someone who is very good at hiding to find them for me,” Anjali winked. KIT. OMG THE PIECES ARE COMING TOGETHER!!

THEY ARE UNITING THE ELDEST CURSES!!! HOLY SHIT!!! I AM LITERALLY SHAKING. THIS WAS SOOO GOOD WTF??

Loved this chapter as always. I can't wait for Tuesday!! My mom is concerned as to why am I screaming at my screen🙂

Song rec: Lonely Ones by LOVA (It was on the Young Royals playlist and I can't stop listening)

Idk why but this live blog made me so emotional 🥺🥺🥺

And thank you for the song rec! The season 2 playlist was so good! I loved it so much!

I really liked Most Beautiful Boy 😭😭😭

[vaida-talks-about-everything]

Kailman Legacy || 27: The Young and the Arsonist

TW: Mentions of abuse

So, with the mic in hand, Edith Dean listened for her queue, for the moment that the lyrics would be the hopeful gut punch to the girl she'd just met. And it certainly was.

"His lips are dripping honey but he'll sting you like a bee, so lock up all your loving. Go and throw away the key.

Hey, good girl, get out while you can. I know you think you've got a good man."

Wendell, fuming, stared Edith Dean down as she belted the song with fervor, with a conviction impossible to break. Little did she know the conviction Lacey had herself until the two stepped outside to talk, woman to woman.

"What's your game?"

"My... what?"

"You're little song and dance. I know you think you're slick, but it’s not cute to come for another girl's man so passive aggressively."

"Passive aggressive? I couldn't've been more clear. He is-"

"-You don't know him like I do. He told me about you, how you broke his heart and cheated on him with Thorne Bailey."

"Oh no, girl, you couldn't be more wrong. I left him long before then, and you wanna know why?"

Lacey continued glaring at Edith Dean, trying to hide the immense curiosity building within her.

"He put his hands on me. He tried trapping me with a baby when he knew full well what my dreams were, how badly I wanted to get out of my hometown and make something of myself. I had no interest in becoming the white-picket fence, baby-faced wife to a man like him, and he made sure to take it out on me before I left."

"He would never-"

"-Oh, he'd never do that to you? Just cos you're carrying his child, you'll come out of this unscathed? Do you think a girl barely old enough to drive deserved it? Do you think a girl who just graduated high school wanted to get pregnant by a man old enough to be her father? Open your eyes, Lacey. He's good at catching the right girl with the right words calling her his 'perfect girl', especially when she's looking for validation."

Edith Dean let the silence hang between them before revealing her last piece of damning evidence.

"Do you think you're the first to give him what he wanted?"

Nothing more came from Lacey's mouth then, so after a moment, Edith Dean walked away, holding her pride in shaking hands. Lacey was stunned, trying to grasp the reality she knew and the one Edith Dean presented. Her eyes were lit with holy anger, a righteous rage birthed from prolonged suffering, from pain unearthed from years of burying deep within her. Lacey wasn't stupid or cruel, but how could any of this be true about the man she'd loved since her early college years? The man who scooped her up after the death of her parents and made her feel seen during the most painful part of her life?

"Hey babygirl."

"Wen..."

"What was all that about?"

"Oh," she considered what he should know, what good it would do to throw this stranger under the bus, "nothing serious. Just drama between girls."

"You sure? She seemed pretty lit up about somethin' or other."

"Oh yeah, nothing to worry about, honey."

"Good. Don't wanna stress the baby out, right?"

"Right."

Seeing the couple together, her heart pounding and her mind racing, Edith Dean almost fainted where she stood. I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I said any of that. Oh my god. Instead of trying to enjoy the rest of her night, Edith Dean took a cab home and released all the sick in the pit of her stomach, finally coming down from hours of adrenaline and dread. Alone in her bathroom, she sobbed, finally letting herself truly grieve the whole thing: grieve the loss of her innocence, the loss of normalcy, and the desire to fall in love. He was the match that lit the flame burning so many of her girlhood dreams, the arsonist of a young girl's youthful hopes for true love.

Instead of sitting in the ashes, Edith Dean wiped her tears, stood up, and found that haunted collection of words from that time, finally ready to put those words, desperately scribbled notes, to music. So, until the early hours of the next morning, her violin crooned and whined in her office, her voice cracking and breaking with strained passion as she recorded what she could on her phone. And thus, her first official single was birthed in the death of her past life: "Babygirl."