#actuallymanic

[unstablemotions]

I want every mental health professional that has treated me through out my life to get into a roman amphitheatre with a weapon of their choosing and the winner will decide what disorders I have

[traumakid-hideout]

An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

[pansyboybloom]

manic paralysis is so bizarre. like, i have all this energy and a need to move and talk and think and create and gamble and shop and fuck and and and and but it's too much, it's overwhelming, i cant breathe and i cant think and i cant exist im just a merry go round spinning and spinning but going nowhere. my brain is on the top of the roller coaster but the inertia has vanished. i need to fuck but i cant get it up. i need to create but my brain is so full that it's empty. i need to move but im frozen. i need to live on impulse and surf the biggest waves but it's a fucking wave pool, not a tsunami, and im stuck, im stuck, im stuck. i hate this. I'm a strob light stuck on loop, so full of electricity and neon that it cant function. the mountain is so high that the oxygen is gone. i cant breathe. i want to breathe. why can't i breathe??

[hahaimnottraumatised]

these days i only have two moods: completely in love or unlovable

[chemicalcarousel]

"my memory is great!" - person with a disorder causing memory problems

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

*goes one week without going absolutely fucking ape shit* im not bipolar anymore, im cured 💅

[intravenous-paranoia]

[warpedsenseofmind]

Not my manic ass writing most of my autobiographical essay for grad school because I can’t sleep and have all this energy. Literally have been stuck on this essay for 3 years and all these words are pouring out of me right now.

Lowkey still wish I could sleep but yay to being productive. Kinda want to clean too but I’ll just go back to writing

[bipolarminddd]

mania with psychotic symptoms makes me feel like a genius mistake

I am ambivalent like my state traveling between earthlike dreams and dreamlike "TODAY"

and my today is a matter of seconds (english is not my native language)

a very important thought has just run away from my mind and this is unacceptable

the stars were so beautiful in the middle of the city that i started making reality checks because I thought maybe I can fly and touch them

I know peoppe don't fly it's not LOGICAL but it feels POSSIBLE

the floor is so SWEET candles are LIT (lit means lithium in polish) I BURNED two of my fingers but I feel PAIN differently like a BLISS

and I can't trust anyone, I can hear my thoughts idk which ones are mine and which are just messages from my subconscious mind in word salad that only I can understand because this is for me for me only for me people are never free because we are the prisoners of our future plans

[221bluescarf]

Why do I crave mania so badly when it's the most horric experience? I get dysphoria and mixed episodes. Why do I rush towards it like a moth to a candle??

I tried to explain what it's like because it's so hard for people to understand. It's not normal, so why would they understand? But I try because I'm desperate for support and I'm desperate for help and I don't want them to leave me when they see it

Because for me, it's unmistakable to myself and those around me. I'm elated for a whole 3 hours and then *bam!*

I'm wired, I'm antsy, irritable, exhausted, restless, suicidal. I have a compulsive need to exercise for hours on end - not for calories, just to keep moving - even though all of my body is burning. Because if I stop moving I feel that I will explode. I don't eat because I'm both not hungry and it doesn't occur to me that food exists. I can't really take care of myself, I don't change clothes, I don't brush my hair...

My family is afraid because all I do is pace around at all hours and snap at them.

One minute I'm smiling like an idiot for no good reason and then just start sobbing.

I punch and scratch myself until I'm bruised and bleeding because I need to get rid of the pain and get rid of the crawling under my skin

I get so emotional that I literally black out for a few minutes at a time

Then when it's come to a peak I crash and it's very, very ugly.

Please don't leave

[unstablemotions]

Having like a thousand different disorders that cause memory issues for different reasons is fucking frustrating because dont i remember this because of my shit working memory, because of anxiety, because of dissociation, because of trauma, or because of severe depression or mania... or maybe I am just fucking stupid idfk

[healinglilia]

how can you go weeks without connecting the dots? my friend said she thinks that i might be in a bp mixed episode, that i have been for quite a while and only now i'm like, huh, yeah, that actually does make sense! no wonder i've felt like actual shit

[kpw13]

This piece is about my two clearest memories of my manic episode two years ago.  Specifically when the police came on a wellness check. The fear and psychosis made me combative and noncompliant. these memories come back to me often. The images are overlaid with manic frenzied writings I did during that time. Making art about my trauma hopefully will bring me some peace.   

[ko-qui]

i wonder all the time about my diagnoses

did i trick my psychiatrist into thinking i was mentally ill?

what's actually wrong with me?

it's not that i want to be NORMAL. i want to be HAPPY.

my friend got me thinking I may have ADHD, but god dammit. my last psychiatrist put that I was bipolar on my medical record. does that make it harder for other docs to reconsider my diagnosis?

like, i do think i get hypomanic. but im also very sex-positive, so is it really bad that i enjoyed sex? or is it because of how risky it was... i could've died, and i can suffer from it....

anyway, im here because i heard my boss and coworker laughing really loud together, and instead of being the person i want to be and feeling happy for them, my initial reaction was to feel incredibly lonely

it's up to me to be mentally strong. I can't be so damn reactive to everything that happens around me

do i need medication to be happy? man, i don't look forward to that search. i've tried so many.

[bipolstar]

how are all my bipolar/psychotic folks dealing with this gabbie hanna stuff going on rn

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

cats are the most valid pet bc they are the most bipolar animal out there 💕