#admittedly i still don’t entirely understand the situation or the community as i’ve been avoiding it

[schreiwen]

The Projectors are Bright

This was always a matter of contention with my ex. I can understand not many like hearing they project, yet they wielded such vehement defense surrounding the mere topic that you couldn’t bring it up even as a hypothetical, and barely the word itself. Any real, non-combative communication about it was impossible. They would claim repeatedly: “I know exactly what I’m feeling; it’s you who’s wrong/is projecting.”

I’d typically only bring it up when certain things made no sense to me. They would bring up things they said I was thinking or feeling that I genuinely wasn’t (cue the confusion), and being the over-thinker I am, I run all the “how, what, why”s through my head. In the end, projection seemed one of the possible conclusions. Not in a judgmental way — but a “if we recognize things, we can work through it” way. But their lash-back was oddly cold and inflexible and I was shut down and often targeted as the projector myself, by whatever logic they were working with. There were a few instances I observed most often, but the most commonly said that were entirely off-base;

“You’re always the one getting defensive.”

“You shut down whenever I try to talk about my feelings.”

“You’re trying to make me feel like I’m crazy!”

“You / They hate me.”

Since we couldn’t properly communicate about it, or get to where we were both coming from without my ex going into that vehement defense mode, I researched projection to check that I was in the right ballpark with these instances, and found quotes that felt like they applied to what I was experiencing with my ex / what they seemed to be going through:

“Through projection, they call you what they are. They accuse you of doing what they’re doing or planning on doing. They throw all the uncomfortable feelings onto you because they don’t want to deal with them. They throw their shame on you so they don’t have to deal with it. They make you feel guilty for who they are and what they’re doing because they’re unable to feel that guilt themselves.”

“Delusional projection occurs when you are noticing things about your environment (whether they are actually present or not) that lead to making concrete assumptions about your reality.”

“Psychological projection is usually a subconscious action. Your brain isn’t ready to process what you’re feeling, but it still wants an outside perspective of what’s going on.”

One of the many situations I remember hurting me was at the time I was finally able to end our relationship, and it was my ex’s sudden, adamant demand I “better not damage / trash [their] things,” that I return it all to them immediately, and that if I didn’t, they’d contact lawyers. Out of everything in our history of knowing each other, this was the most bizarre, out-of-left-field reaction I’d ever experienced with them, like they thought they were dealing with a complete stranger with whom they knew nothing about in the way of my entire character, my sense of morality.. simply who I’ve always been as a person.

It made me question if they had ever paid attention to who rather than what I was to them throughout our years of knowing each other, through all the friendship & love, because how could they think this if they truly knew me? I wished to understand what reasons they felt pointed to signs I’d ever be the type of person to vaguely consider vindictive behavior to begin with. I was thrown off & to be transparent—truly offended (which isn’t common for me - by nature I let most slide off me) by the idea they had such a massive disregard for someone they claimed to love.

It hurt me enough, I remember going into a sort of shutdown mode. Admittedly one of my worse coping mechanisms that I do my best to avoid, but this instance really got me.

Only long after our relationship’s end did I really recognize what power my ex held over me in this regard; they would back a person so far into a corner, whether intentional or not, that any form of relief or escape from their own tailored idea of reality they’ve forced you into begins to feel like a lost cause. You might at one point feel there’s a way out, or a way to explain your own reality, but they’ll cut you off or wear you down to the point it’s easiest to stay buried in their little corner, while they turn to the crowd nearby, pointing and screaming in your direction. Shutting down wasn’t my ideal and I always aim to utilize better coping mechanisms, but at the time I had reached my limit, so from then on all I could manage was a detached politeness to protect myself when interacting with them, almost like a business exchange. It was like being worried to move in the vicinity of a poised snake.

I wondered if these ideas existed in my ex’s head because it’s what they would’ve done to me if the situation had been reversed? Thinking this somehow hurt most. Would they have destroyed my possessions out of spite? Would that thought actually make them feel better? Did they destroy all of what they did still have of mine? I remember I’d already had a plan to return their things, but after the unprompted legal scare they dragged even their own family into despite me showing zero resistance to the matter, my anxiety was at its peak and all I wanted was to get everything back to them asap. I had to budget, so some of it took time (I’d already spent most of my money moving both our possessions to our new location), and in the end spent almost $800-900 shipping it back again, at no expense of their own. At a point during that terrible process, they insisted I was “legally obligated & responsible due to emotional trauma,” and I already felt defeated.

It was difficult to describe the sensations that lingered even throughout my shutdown; I felt like my soul had died at the realization my ex didn’t seem to see me as a person themselves, and could truly imagine me in this destructive way, whether because they truly believed it or another defense mechanism. I remember being physically sick over these thoughts for months.

The question still gets in my head: was my ex projecting, or was it being out of touch?

[chamomile-g-tea]

i feel like i need to address the gt ms situation once more.

I was the only person responsible for any of this. If anyone has anger or disappointment about the situation it should be directed at me, not her. most recently I made the mistake of lashing out and making a public post out of a personal selfish meltdown in response to her post simply explaining the situation and damage i had done from her side. And that’s the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what went wrong with everything else, in a friendship I alone turned toxic for her with my own shortsightedness, selfishness and personal flaws, exploiting her creation. She deserved absolutely none of this.

I haven’t known how to go about addressing any of this situation because, if i’m honest, i lack the maturity and the tools to handle it with the amount of carefulness it deserved, but since I’ve become aware of the hate she’s received I feel it’s extremely important that I emphasize again none of this was her fault. She did her best to deal with a person who couldn’t see her boundaries and crossed them repeatedly, and she was right to do everything she did to attempt to preserve herself, her space, and her creation. I regret that I didn’t emphasize this to you all earlier from my side. I know there’s nothing I can do to reconcile this massive damage. I’m so sorry.

[makeste]

heyy makeste, so this is a request for wish fulfilment to avoid the absolute ridiculousness of the last chapter. Neway, so we all want kacchan to apologise, that's probably the one thing the entire fandom agrees and I belive horikoshi himself has implied that it will happen (?). Okay, so, assuming a verbal apology will happen (EVEN THO WE DIDN'T GET OUR HOSPITAL TALK - HURT/COMFORT SCENE), how do you see it panning out ? I, personally, don't want it to happen in some kind of life-or-death situation, but I can't even remotely predict how an apology would now, with where the manga is, so what do you think ????

P.S: all your meta and chapter recaps are so well articulated and not to mention, f*cking hilarious, so of all the people, of course I'd ask you <3

thank you so much!! <3 and okay, so as far as my ideal wish-fulfillment apology scene, all I really require are the following two components:

a fair amount of crying (on the parts of both Deku and Kacchan, and especially me)

a hug.

that’s it. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, personally, but we’ll see how generous Horikoshi decides to be.

HOWEVER, since we’re talking about this, this might be a good time for me to bring up a thought that’s been on my mind for these past couple of weeks, and especially today what with the new volume 30 angst fuel that just dropped. so basically, here are some facts.

Deku, amidst lots of talk about the villains being after him and about him Suffering In Silence, has left U.A.

while it’s not for-sure confirmed yet, right now all signs seem to point to him being alone.

it seems EXTREMELY unlikely to me that Certain People would have approved of or consented to this arrangement! especially considering Certain People’s recent Deku-adjacent actions, which include 1) Getting Stabbed To Save Deku’s Life, and 2) Going On A Rampage Three Minutes After Waking Up In A Hospital With A Hole In Their Torso, Because They Heard That Deku Was Still Unconscious. like, I’m just saying. right now Certain People are being really protective of Deku, and I can only assume this will continue indefinitely.

Deku knows Kacchan better than anyone, and knows exactly how stubborn he can be.

Deku is also freshly traumatized from Kacchan nearly dying for him, and I’m positive that out of all the people Deku is determined to protect, Kacchan is now at the very top of that list.

but as previously mentioned, Kacchan is even more determined to protect Deku, and is absolutely not the type of person to take no for an answer.

and now here are some suppositions building on these facts.

whatever hang-ups Kacchan might have had about apologizing, I’m almost positive that having a near-death experience complete with all sorts of symbolism and flashbacks and remorseful volume covers would be more than enough to finally overcome them. in other words, an apology should have been imminent. we’re talking “the very next time I finally get to see him and speak with him” imminent.

under 99.9% of circumstances, I have absolutely no doubt that Deku would forgive Kacchan instantaneously. he would be absolutely overjoyed.

there are precious few circumstances which could ever possibly lead to the 0.1% of scenarios in which Deku does not forgive him. even if there was some part of him that did still secretly resent Kacchan in some way, it would still be extraordinarily out-of-character for Deku to deny him forgiveness, if only because he’d know how much it would hurt him. for Deku to knowingly and purposely inflict that kind of pain on someone would be unthinkable.

UNLESS -- unless -- in his mind, it was somehow a choice between sparing him pain, or saving his life.

for instance, if he had already made up his mind that he had to leave.

and if he knew that Kacchan, in his stubbornness and determination to make amends, would follow him no matter what.

and if he was convinced, somehow -- whether by the memory of Kacchan being stabbed, or by the words of a mysterious Vestige, or simply by the subdued, quietly reverberating trauma of feeling inadvertently responsible for the deaths of thousands of people -- that Kacchan would die if he stayed by his side.

then, I could see it. much as I hate to say (which, admittedly, isn’t actually that much at all, because as heartbreaking as this hypothetical would be, oh my god, the angst).

so yeah. I’ve been wondering about all of this tbh. something about the irony of all of us waiting on the edge of our seats for this, only to have it finally happen in the worst way possible. the only thing is, Horikoshi almost never does this kind of “misunderstanding” plot with his characters. I get the impression that it frustrates him. and usually I enjoy watching him subvert this trope, and seeing his characters actually communicate and improve their understanding of each other rather than doing the tired old “one step forward, two steps back” dance.

but this is also the one time I could see him subverting his own usual conventions. mostly because he already has. Izuku leaving U.A. is proof of that. it means that this is the one time that talking things out and listening to his mentors’ sage advice didn’t pay off. it means that there absolutely was some type of misunderstanding and miscommunication between somebody, somewhere. someone fucked up. because if they hadn’t, then Deku wouldn’t be out here right now standing dramatically in the wind and rescuing Shindou from being bludgeoned into a conventionally attractive pulp.

so yeah. tl;dr, what if Kacchan apologized but Deku didn’t forgive him because he thought it was the only way to stop Kacchan from potentially getting hurt for his sake. ahaha, just kidding... unless...?

[incorrect-pokespe-quotes]

Let’s Talk About Norman

I’m going to start off by telling you all something you probably already know: Norman is abusive. I try not to use super strong language on this blog because calling someone abusive / toxic is a pretty big deal, but Norman is an abuser, full stop. Aside from the obvious physical violence though, there’s a lot of emotional trauma he causes Ruby through his actions— this post is mostly going to be talking about Norman’s emotional abuse and how it affects Ruby’s psyche and actions throughout the arc instead of just “oh he punched his son down some stairs” because I think it goes way deeper than that. With that out of the way, the rest of the post is below the cut!

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

I can’t talk about Ruby and Norman without mentioning this— it’s the most clear cut evidence of his abuse on-panel. He punches his son down the stairs, engages in a high stakes fight with him, and puts him in mortal danger (which Ruby has to save himself from). What I’m concerned with isn’t the actual incidence of violence itself, but rather the emotional baggage that comes with it.

The interesting thing about the Big Fight scene to me is that Norman instigates the conflict. Norman lures Ruby into a “dark and scary building” in the rain and away from others, appears behind him, threatens him, and throws him against a wall. The only thing Ruby had done in that moment is ask his dad how / why he had found him— Norman was the instigator of violence. It is Ruby’s reaction to this immediately violent start that segues into the next Big Thing about their relationship.

ENVIRONMENT OF FEAR

It is obvious from the minute Norman appears on panel that he is intimidating. Multiple characters throughout the arc mention that they are scared of / intimidated by him, but none are more obvious than Ruby. In fact until we reach the scene at the Weather Institute, Norman hasn’t been shown in a positive light at all from Ruby’s perspective. Ruby continuously mentions fear about his father: he imagines his father grabbing him, looking angrily at him, and generally seems to be afraid of him. Ruby expresses worry and concern about the consequences of his father’s anger— and that’s ALL he thinks about. Ruby mentions explicitly that he has seen “Norman’s Dark Side” and tries to hide as soon as he appears. He even shivers at the mere mention of Norman. Ruby’s entire motivation is his fear of his dad, which is bad, obviously. 

Every thought about Norman that Ruby has up until the Weather Institute about Norman express fear and stress Norman’s emotional distance. Whether or not Ruby and Norman love each other is not of importance here, what is important is that Ruby has constant worry and anxiety about how Norman will react. His entire motivation at the beginning of the arc is centered around doing things behind Norman’s back and giving him definitive proof of Ruby’s accomplishments— Ruby is so nervous around Norman that he considers communicating to be a risk. This is typical abuse victim behavior and it continues through the arcs. Living under the constant threat of (often violent) punishment has taught Ruby that disagreements and communication in general are dangerous and can spiral into violence very, very quickly— he displays this same fear time and time again.

Quick Aside: As everyone here probably knows, the main conflict in the oras arc is centered around Ruby’s unwillingness to tell Sapphire what is going on for fear of how she will react. Ruby’s hiding of his memory of their confession in the Emerald arc is the same— Ruby refuses to communicate because he is afraid of how Sapphire will react. His main emotional flaw is the fact that he is driven by fear; Norman has shown him there are consequences to communication and Ruby carries this lesson throughout his entire life. He is a victim of abuse and this hampers his ability to communicate and be emotionally vulnerable. He is so caught up in the idea of consequences that he is more than willing to lie or omit the truth to avoid the consequences of talking to people about stressful topics. This is not to say that Ruby’s actions are excusable— he’s still a dick with communication issues, but whether or not Kusaka intended it, Norman’s abuse and its consequences define Ruby’s emotional arc.

ANGER ISSUES

I can’t really talk about the environment of fear that Norman created without talking about his anger issues. He crushes a phone, shoves people out of the way, knocks multiple Pokemon out at once, and otherwise acts aggressively in various situations throughout the arc without any real Reason. As if these hints weren’t enough, we actually get confirmation through Ruby’s mother that Norman “does this often”— and judging by Birch’s reaction, these displays of destructive anger aren’t normal in in-universe. Whether or not there is a violent / strict parenting style within the universe doesn’t matter, because Norman is shown to be uncharacteristically aggressive in comparison to other adults in the series. Judging by Ruby’s reaction at the Weather Institute, he implies that his type of violence towards him isn’t uncommon; he seems almost resigned to it.

To wrap up this section: Norman’s aggressiveness is atypical even in-universe, he is shown to be unable and unwilling to curb his violent anger, and this creates an environment of fear among his family that permanently impacts Ruby’s ability to communicate effectively with others.

PART 2

DISCLAIMER: This is where things get… dicey. Everything I’ve mentioned previously is rooted in the actual drawings and actions of the characters or overarching themes / problems. This next part however focuses on dialogue. It is almost impossible to truly understand the tone of each line without being a fluent Japanese speaker (which I am not) so instead I’m going to use Viz and CY to the best of my ability for this section. I’m not going to extrapolate this to Kusaka’s intentions, since without the original work that’s nearly impossible, but I can at least talk about the way these come off in English.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Admittedly, Viz is the worst about this. They constantly hype Norman up and excuse his behavior, outright censoring some of the physical and emotional abuse. Viz absolutely mangling the tone of RS, however, is a post for another time.

Because Norman actually speaks to Ruby at length a grand total of twice times in the RS arc, we can break down his actions into these two instances: the first is at the weather institute and the second is as he’s dying.

Rather than go based on overall theme, this scene is best done line by line (this is using the CY version due to limited censorship compared to Viz). 

Scene 1: Volume 17, Chapters 208-210

(Norman is dangling Ruby off the roof of a building by his collar. There are sharp rocks at the bottom)

Ruby: Re… release me…! Norman: Insolent brat!! Is that how you talk to your father?!

To start, Norman uses tone policing and deflection. He focuses on the fact that Ruby is “talking back” to him and making demands of his father, which doesn’t acknowledge Ruby’s request or the fact that Ruby is being dangling over the roof of a building. Also note that this is the first time the words are bolded and that they stay this way throughout the fight— Norman verbally escalates the fight. Norman is abusing his position of power over Ruby in order to excuse his actions and pass the blame back to his son.

Ruby: I don’t care how furious you are with me… I’m ready for it!

(Norman decks Ruby down a flight of stairs)

Norman: Why did you run away from home?!

Note once again that Norman is implied to start raising his voice first even when Ruby isn’t. There’s another deflection here: Norman changes the subject rather than actively respond to anything Ruby says.

Norman: Well? Say something! You’d better voice your complaints right now!!

(Ruby has a conversation with the Swimmer, who advises him to apologize to avoid his father’s rage and “just go home” which… fuck you Swimmer Jack. I’m skipping that part of the dialogue bc it isn’t that important).

(While Ruby is debating what to do, Norman’s Slaking lifts the stairs that Ruby is on and tries to fling him into next Tuesday).

Ruby is physically prevented from escaping by being dangled above Norman. I shouldn’t have to tell why physically preventing someone from leaving an argument is a bad thing.

(Ruby decides to fight Norman)

Note that Norman is physically and emotionally forcing Ruby into two possible options: Fight or be obedient. He is preventing Ruby from running and deflecting Ruby’s attempts to explain himself. He then shifts the blame to Ruby *again*, attacking Ruby and his pokemon with full force and implying it was Ruby who instigated the conflict in the first place.

Norman: … so you wish to fight me? … Iron Tail and Hyper Beam… I was the one who taught you those attacks. There’s nothing about your attacks and strategies I don’t know about. You’re just wasting your time! Give up!

Here, Norman does two things: he stresses Ruby’s dependence on him and his power over Ruby. It’s a typical “your success is dependent on me” and a “there is no option except obedience” rhetoric, and is likewise typical of abusers. Norman is stressing the things Norman has gifted to Ruby (battling knowledge) and using whatever he can to force Ruby to do what he wants— he’s exerting his control.

(Ruby turns the tide of the battle, so Norman likewise switches tactics by attacking Ruby himself and attempting to hit him with a staircase. Ruby falls down the stairs and is dangling over a pit of spikes when Norman stands on the edge, blocking Ruby’s only escape route).

Norman: Now will you come quietly? Stop being so stubborn

Not only is Norman forcing his son to choose between obedience and Literal Death, he also shifts the blame again. He excuses his own actions by claiming it is Ruby’s stubbornness that forced him into this position. He deflects the whole “putting my 11 year old in harm’s way” by claiming Ruby’s own resistance to Norman’s violence is the trigger for the violence itself. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s victim-blaming nonetheless and sadly, it works

(Flashback time: Norman admits he was going to give Ruby permission to participate in contests and gets emo about it. They fall, but Norman catches Ruby. This doesn’t matter though, because they both end up falling and Ruby uses his running shoes to save them both).

Ruby: (thinking) Ru- running shoes… my birthday present from dad… saved both… our lives

Ruby displays pretty typical abuse victim behavior here, focusing not on Norman’s 3 threats to literally kill him but instead on the One Good Thing Norman did. He doesn’t mention that it was Ruby himself who saved them both or that Norman was the one who put them in danger in the first place— he’s in total denial about the severity of everything that happened.

(At this point, Norman looms above Ruby with an angry expression and a raised pokeball. Bystanders panic because it appears that Norman is going to attack Ruby who, by the way, is unconscious on the ground, but Norman gets a surprise call from Winona and turns away after realizing that Winona can see him).

“I only stopped attacking my son when I realized people were watching”… alright fuck off then Norman

Norman: HEY!! Idiot son! You disobeyed your parents, then you ran away from home. I’ve had enough! Just do what you want! In return, you’d better accomplish your goals!! A man should complete what he has set out to do… … before he can return home!!

Hoo boy. Norman never apologizes, deflects all the blame onto Ruby, insults him twice, and then tries to save face with Winona and the people around him by giving Ruby permission to do contests— which he was apparently planning to do all along. He emphasizes the things Ruby did in response to Norman’s actions (Ruby ran away from home because he knew his dad would be unsupportive and gets violent during disagreements, so in essence Norman is to blame for backing him into a corner). Norman twists the narrative in order to make Ruby the instigator in every case, justifying Norman’s responses as reactions to Ruby’s problematic behavior

Swimmer Jack: Isn’t that a wonderful father? Ruby: Thank you… father.

Ok first of all Jack is a dumbass, so jot that down. Second of all, while it’s unintentional, Ruby is being gaslit to hell and back. It is only after Norman’s omission of all the abusive behavior and bystanders’ affirmation of Norman’s love that Ruby starts to think positively towards his father. The threat Ruby used to think was so large has been downplayed and outright denied by the people around him, so Ruby’s prior fear of Norman diminishes. Ruby’s fear of Norman and the violence Norman took against him is denied, downplayed, and ignored, so Ruby begins to doubt his own animosity towards his father. Thanks Swimmer Jack you unintentionally gaslit an 11 year old.

SCENE 2: (this one is much shorter, thank god)

(Norman, while he is dying, explains the whole deal with how he was ordered to search for Rayquaza yada yada. Throughout the exchange, Ruby gets increasingly upset).

Ruby: (thinking) barred from the test and forced to search for Rayquaza… It must be some kind of punishment! What could Dad have done to warrant such… why was he made responsible… ?!

Ruby: … … but… come to think of it, dad is not someone who makes mistakes easily… something’s not right!

Slight aside, Ruby has been so convinced of his father’s power by others that he is unwilling to even CONSIDER that his dad fucked up, which… wow!

Ruby: That day… Dad must have taken the rap for someone else… and… (flashbacks to Salamence Incident) that person… was….

Ruby: (out loud) … me?! That person who set Rayquaza free… was it me…?!

Norman: Yes.

And then he dies!

(Technically he says “oh I did all that out of love” (paraphrased) and then dies but it’s just a continuation of the previous thing).

Norman, before dying, does not say “I’m proud of you” or “I’m sorry for everything” or anything remotely comforting, instead he says “hey Ruby, you’re responsible for my death and all your childhood trauma alongside your friend’s. Peace.” (this is paraphrased).

Even on his actual deathbed, Norman places the blame on Ruby for Norman’s own actions. He makes Ruby feel guilty for Norman leaving, Norman hiding information from him, and Ruby’s tumultuous childhood.

CONCLUSION

None of this is to say that Norman doesn’t love Ruby or that Ruby doesn’t love him back— I’m fairly positive the two of them love each other dearly and want the best for each other. However, Norman is a child abuser who reacts violently, instigates violence, and then turns around and denies said violence. He creates a culture of fear among his family, gives Ruby some serious communication issues, and the narrative takes his side. Norman is a child abuser in canon and has a very VERY profound effect on Ruby which has emotional ramifications throughout Ruby’s entire character arc all the way until oras.

TLDR: Normans sucks man

[bilbao-song]

heres an ask because i too am desperate to engage with people. i know u dont care about roxy music but you did say you would accept something as incoherent as a keysmash so here is an equivalent: admittedly i find the dynamics between ANY band and their fans very interesting, but roxy music in particular. there is a peculiar divide between those who are staunch bryan ferry fans (these people typically dont give half of a shit about anyone else in the band), those who are fans of the group as a whole and dont particularly care about individual members at all, and those who are most interested in phil manzanera and andy mackay and sometimes the other guys, who generally quite dislike bryan (i being the latter)- and often there is resentment between the groups. i think its so interesting that a group of people can be presented with the same exact material, love it and enjoy it for years, and yet latch onto different parts of it and make it such a part of their identity that should you confuse one with the other they become insulted, or if nothing else will tell you "no no, i like roxy music but i REALLY like bryan, i think hes the best", or "no no, i love roxy music and im a fan of andy and phil in particular but i dont care for byran much at all, dont get it twisted", etc. are there bands you're more familiar with who have this sort of divide amongst the fanbase? do tell me about them, if you like :>

first of all i absolutely love that u sent this ksdhgkshg this is like. exactly the kind of thing i wanted

sorry for taking 39485949 years to post this lmao. i wrote like FIVE entire paragraphs and then had to edit it but it was getting super late and anyway it’s still absurdly long (as in, i can say whatever i want in the below text bc no one is going to want to read it) and definitely devolved into a huge general rant about the annoying and creepy behaviors of some people within band fanbases (specifically ELO-related bc of course) as well as vagueing about my own controversial opinions but......nonetheless.

anyway!!! i find this kind of thing really interesting too!! and i know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. there are just sooo many facets to this, and i guess it’s different for every band. on the one hand i do think it’s kind of an interesting phenomenon bc if you think about it, they’re basically enjoying the same thing but taking wildly different/opposing stances on it. as a whole i would find it a lot more interesting/amusing and less frustrating if people could like...manage these kinds of differences without turning it into some kind of overly vitriolic/super hostile opposition that you would think is about politics or something and not a band we r supposed to be listening to for entertainment purposes. i mean, i 100% get that things don’t have to be Extremely Important to be worth discussing, but it just seems wild the way some people get SO intensely angry about these things, sometimes to the point of being kind of inappropriate. i have a lot of issues with the way some people within band fanbases tend to behave lol

.......anyway the Full Rant is below here (idk why i wrote this bc it’s long enough to be turned in for a grade and it’s only partially relevant. read at ur own risk):

so!! thankfully with most bands i enjoy i just kind of watch the fanbase from the sidelines and don't get too involved in or even aware of all the drama. like...i know about the band and enjoy the music but just manage to not get involved in whatever the community happens to be collectively freaking out about at any given moment. i feel like the kind of divide you mentioned is actually pretty common within band fanbases (i think there are things like this with like...styx and three dog night? among others? but i don't know all the details 👀) but like, FORTUNATELY with most of them i just would not know. that's very nice because i unfortunately do not always have that kind of luxury with the ELO fanbase...idk i have a lot of very strong ELO-related opinions that i usually don't like to discuss in great detail bc i get disproportionately frustrated but yeah basically what you described does kind of happen among ELO fans, although thankfully i'd say it's to a somewhat lesser extent? people are commonly at each other's throats about a variety of topics including (but not limited to) who they support or don't support, but there are still plenty of people who (thankfully) are not so aggressive lmao. there is sort of a divide within the fanbase but i feel like it's probably not so 50/50 as what you're talking about...maybe more like 85/15

THAT SAID, i have frequently commented on the fact that the ELO fanbase is largely a dumpster fire and there is a whole entire sector of the fanbase that is comprised of people who i absolutely cannot stand, and most of them do fight a lot lmao. this is only partially related to the subject at hand, but a good portion of the bickering is relevant to The Divide. like, i'm 100% okay with having a different opinion than someone else as long as they aren't acting like a complete freak about it, but idk, aside from the fact that most of these people are like?? needlessly aggressive?? there are certain opinions held by certain members of the Greater ELO Community that just give me that vibe of like...hmmmm this is a person i probably would not want to associate with at all, even in matters completely unrelated to this. Unsavory Person Vibes. i mean like, “opinions” that just boil down to "i am very very entitled and also incapable of seeing anyone else's perspective on literally anything ever BUT that isn't going to stop me from openly whining about this absolutely whenever possible." like!! it's one thing to have some kind of legitimate, reasonable criticism of an individual or band but some, if not most, of the things i've seen people losing their minds over within this fanbase have been so hilariously trivial that i just CANNOT understand how these people actually managed to get to be (presumably) functional adults who are probably like 50+ years old. i mean like, full-blown tantrums and calling someone all sorts of nasty things over something that shouldn't even be an issue because without exaggerating i cannot fathom how anyone could even be majorly upset about it in the first place. to give an example: someone once had a whole entire little strongly-worded, excessively presumptuous freakout because a guitar was no longer on loan to the rock and roll hall of fame. like...it was there for quite awhile and two out of four inductees loaned absolutely nothing but you're whining because one who DID loan something eventually took it back? do we not know what the word "loan" means? anyway the best part is that basically every time something like this happens, if someone tries to point out that the person is overreacting or perhaps just needs to look at a situation another way, they will then go off on that person bc god forbid we try to be level-headed about things. everything has to be Very Horrible All The Time or we’re doing something wrong or being stupid or something. idk i'm convinced that some people just want to be angry

also just...some of these people do some really shady things that i personally feel are morally questionable but there's nothing i can do about it so i try to just kind of avoid dwelling on it lmfao. like, it's not okay to violate people's privacy just because they're famous and you're overly entitled/nosy/desperate for clout/blatantly trying to profit off of them? i know in the Sane World that's a completely non-controversial idea but band fanbases apparently often aren't based on sanity skhglkshgks idk i could probably write a small novel on this and make a specific list of all the things they do that are just like...bafflingly tone deaf and kind of appalling but i digress. idk the worst part to me is the way they'll be like, saying/doing something that's just awful or like, maybe even totally factually wrong while acting like they're in the right. absolutely wild

to at least somewhat bring this back to what we were ATTEMPTING to talk about!!! personally i've reached a point where i pretty much no longer care about like 90% of anyone who has ever been in ELO (jeffrey/richard/roy/mike de albuquerque supremacy) but i'm not like, actively a Hater of the others lmao. i appreciate that they were there and enjoy the nostalgia(? i wasn’t alive) of it and i’m glad they’re out there existing but i just...don’t really care about anything they do at this point?? a good portion of it is a result of me taking issue with certain things some of them have done, which has impacted the way i feel about them, but MOST of it is really not that deep and it’s just that some of them just don't particularly interest me on that kind of level/i don't feel the need to get that invested in like 927509257 different people (fun fact: during the 1970s every third person in existence on earth was, at least briefly, a member of ELO). there's really only one ELO-adjacent person who i actually very strongly dislike and a) luckily i feel like they barely even count as a member b) the reasoning is kind of its own Thing and has very very very little to do with anything related to the band so it's kind of another subject entirely. anyway that’s as close as i’ll ever get to actually getting involved with any of the Drama sgsdgsdgfhdh. my primary beef is with the fanbase anyway because, as previously mentioned, there are too many insane people. i guess what i’m getting at here is that yeah there’s a divide and it does affect me BUT i also don’t really get why people allow this to make them act in a way that goes beyond just having a difference in opinion and is so overly hostile towards each other as well as the people they’re discussing. like...if anyone involved is a serial killer or something even remotely similar then yeah, being outraged on an extreme level and absolutely hating them even as an outsider makes sense. otherwise? calm down!!!!!

anyway. to wrap up this mostly incoherent rant that i hope no one read: i have always suspected that band fandoms kind of attract certain kinds of very distressingly weird people and i just think it's funny how there's always like, a little cluster of people within the fanbase who basically seem like they actually hate the band (those are almost always the Weird Ones bc i can’t tell you how many times i’ve witnessed a person who is like, into a band to a CREEPY extent and then one day they just flip and become a hater). at that point i'm just like, okay? so why are you still here lmfao. i guess that's the Main Idea of all of this lol. i just don't get why these people stick around when 98% of all they ever do is complain and act overly judgy? i just feel like if my so-called favorite band was making me that miserable i would try to find another band to like instead of becoming a menace to society. that’s just me tho

to bring all of this together i guess i just assume that some kind of phenomenon like this occurs within basically every band fanbase. idk it just seems pretty universal for some reason. certain kinds of people just love drama i guess and will turn any difference of opinion into some kind of shitshow

tl;dr: yes

[nona-gay-simus-main]

Top 10 Worst Romance Tropes - Part 1

It’s Valentine’s Day and that means it’s time to talk about romance. Specifically, shitty romances. Woo!

Disclaimer: This list is just my personal preference, and I don’t want to fight with anyone about it. You do you, boo. 

I’ve also tried to avoid things that have been talked to death like romanticizing abuse or love triangles because I want to keep things original. There’s also definitely going to be a part two to this post since I came up with so many terrible tropes.

And third, but not last: this list specifically pertains to the genre Romance (whether paranormal, fantasy, etc. the point is that the romance is the main plot or at least half the plot). There will be a separate list for romantic subplots in other genres.

1. The Misunderstanding

If the entire plot of the novel can be solved by the characters having ONE (1) conversation, I’m just not interested.

Chances are these people should not be together anyway, since apparently, they can’t even communicate properly. You can’t both/all be communication bottoms. One of you needs to suck it up and be the top.

I’ve seen people argue that this actually a good trope because it’s “realistic”, but to me, the whole point of romance is that it’s supposed to be escapist. 

Otherwise, we’d all be reading about mediocre people going on mediocre dates and being boringly happy together - that’s realistic too. Do you want to read a book about it? I sure don’t!

2. First Love is The Best Love

This is more applicable to YA than any other genre, but I’m so tired of stories that make your first love be your one and only true love. I’m not saying it never happens, but it certainly doesn’t happen as much as the media says it does.

I feel like it’s both disingenuous, and possibly even dangerous, to raise such a cult around first love. Your first love is not going to be your one and only chance at love and that’s probably for the best. It’s likely, that along the way you’ll find someone who’s an even better fit for you and by then you’ll be more mature and better at handling relationships.

I just wish there were more stories that didn’t romanticize the magic of first love, as much as the showed how experience and knowledge can often be much healthier in the long run.

3. Fighting means Flirting

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about enemies-to-lovers or disdain-to-love, where the characters start out fighting and eventually grow to have a much healthier dynamic; nor am I talking about affectionate fighting, where they insult each other, but they don’t actually mean it.

I’m talking about cases where the love interests are actually fighting, but the author will have one of the side characters say something that implies that actually, they are flirting. Fuck right off!

I’m not one of those people who think that if the characters have one fight, that’s an instant sign of a toxic and unhealthy relationship. It’s fine if your characters fight sometimes. It’s also fine if they flirt sometimes. Just don’t try to tell me those two things are one and the same. It’s not cool to promote the adult version of the message that ‘boys pull on girl’s pigtails because they “like” them’. 

If your characters are older than fourteen, I’m going to be expecting them to act accordingly.

4. Virginity Naïveté

This is a trope I see a lot in cis-hetero romance and I’m so repulsed by it.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually inexperienced, or writing about someone who is sexually inexperienced, but these characters are rarely just inexperienced. They are also so ignorant about sex, to the point of making me question whether they are emotionally mature enough to be having it at all. And not only that, but they are often paired up with the biggest sexpot character and it turns into this icky power imbalance, where the more experienced person uses their sexual experience to manipulate their partner.

It’s not realistic, and it’s gross, stop perpetuating the social construct of virginity. Just let women (and sometimes pretty feminine gay men, but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms) have healthy sex lives. And if they are inexperienced, at least let them have a healthy attitude towards sex and sex-havers. And pair them up with someone who, if not at the same experience level as them, is at least at the same level emotional maturity.

5. Questionable Consent

Nothing puts me off a story faster, than if I have to wonder if the what happened was fully consensual. 

I don’t know how to say this, but please stop having your big male characters groping strange women (or sometimes strange smaller man, but again - ‘nother can of worms) or even women (men) they know, who have not expressed any romantic interest in them; pressing them against walls/doors; giving them lovebites (yes, something I literally read once - though admittedly, it was in a fanfic) and any number of inappropriate physical behaviors without explicit consent.

Surprise kisses are fine if the other person responds, or if you stop when they don’t - but anything other than that is weird, uncomfortable, and it makes me feel like this character doesn’t understand boundaries. And frankly, I don’t want to root for someone who in any other circumstances would be a rapist. 

6. Insta Love

I’ve recently been exposed as a slow burn hoe, and that’s true enough, but even if you like faster-moving romances, what’s so compelling about Insta Love?

The whole point of romance is to see the development of the relationship (except for the rare cases the partners are already together at the start, or if it’s a second-chance romance) and see them falling for each other. 

If they are already in love by the second time they meet, all that potential and stakes are lost.. And half the time, you can’t even figure out why they are in love, to begin with, aside from the fact of being two people of similar ages, attractiveness levels, and the right sexuality. It’s boring and lazy, do better.

8. Teacher/Student:

This is probably because I work as a teacher, but no power dynamic will skeeve me out more than the teacher/student one.

It’s particularly awful if it’s a high school student / high school teacher, for a multitude of reasons I hope I don’t have to explain, but even if it’s college it’s still pretty gross. 18-19-year-olds or even 21yos are just not mature enough to handle a relationship with their professor, who is a minimum of 35 btw, (unless they are some super-genius), and holds their future in their hands.

Maybe grad school would be okay if I’m sure it’s a one-off and that professor doesn’t make a habit of dating their students. Really, the most acceptable versions of this, are either grad-school student/professor, but the student is not that professor’s class, or a college student having a one-sided crush on their professor, and then they meet on equal terms, years after. 

9. All in the family!

I’m not talking about actual incest, which should obvious - but specifically about dating your partner or ex’s sibling/parent/uncle/aunt/first cousin. 

I mean, if it’s a one-night-stand, fine, everyone makes mistakes, but a prolonged relationship, that I’m supposed to root for? Yikes.

Your ex will always be there. At your wedding. At your anniversary parties. Every holiday from now on. And how awkward are family get-togethers going to be when everyone knows where your genitals have been, from now until the end of time. And especially currently, with the internet and how everything is forever? Once your kids /your ex’s kids grow up? They’ll know too! That’s gotta be uncomfy.

10. Cheating

Look, if the romance starts with cheating... well, first of all, I’m already rooting against this couple, because they are assholes and I prefer my romances asshole-free (when it comes to the main characters at least). 

Not only is cheating such a gross and awful thing to do to someone but frankly, I don’t think any relationship that starts with cheating can last. I don’t think you can really trust a cheater - not just to cheat again, but really for anything. They already broke their ex’s trust, who says they won’t do it to you too?

Now, I will say there are some borderline situations that I find more acceptable, where your mileage would vary, if things with the third person beyond purpose-less flirting (aka flirting for the sake if a confidence boost, rather than with the intention of starting something - some people are just naturally flirty) and/or at any point the people involved know that what they’re doing is wrong, but they keep doing it anyway - I’m out.

Some authors will try and justify the cheating MC, by having their partner cheat too, but I’m sorry - two wrongs don’t make a right. That just means everyone is an asshole, and I’m not rooting for any of them to be happy.

[khangowrites]

Is it a Complaint Essay or is the Workplace Unsuitable?

Ah, what am I writing today? Oh, well I suppose it’s almost 12am. Seems like a good a time as any. I wanted to just jot down a few re-occurring experiences I’ve had in the workplace and sometimes in other social spaces, and attempt to analyze them.

CW: mild mentions of abuse and bodily ailments.

A bit of forward: I tend to mask myself heavily whenever I am in any social situation; whether it be at work, at home, with friends or online (although I’m getting better at being myself on Discord at least. I owe a lot to my friends who accept me and whom I care so much about.) What this means is I often plan out what I’m needed to say in advance of a situation. I have an arsenal of about 5 minutes of small talk before I tank and several small greetings/placations I can cycle through on any given day if I’m not overloaded. I also limit my natural inclination to movement.

It’s called unprofessional/unsightly to sit with your legs folded under you, or to sway and shake your arms and legs back and forth in time to music in your head. But it’s okay if you tap your pencil. Everyone does that.

I have to wonder how noticeable my ‘masked’ self is. How real or fake it appears.

There have been a few trends I’ve seen with the way people treat me as an employee in the time I’ve been in the workforce. For clarity, I am a 23 year old 5’1” AFAB person with a face that looks like it stopped aging when I was 12. I’m non-binary, but I’ve seen that many have a hard time using a different pronoun for me because I look ‘so feminine’. I had one old man repeatedly tell me that my body was too pretty and that I shouldn’t hide it and ‘pretend’ to be something else. I was and still am quite unsettled and disgusted by that comment.

I haven’t used my full preferred pronouns at work simply based in fear of being fired or discriminated against further. Same thing at home- I haven’t told all my family out of fear. I may look back on this at some future date where I fully respect myself and I’m confident. I look forward to that day.

Oh, and I’m autistic.

Perhaps it is one of these things or all of them that cause people to treat me certain ways. I’d like to find out.

I worked outdoors at an Orchard for a season. They called me Cinderella because of the way I looked when I cleaned. They gave employees gloves and heaters. Only not me. When I asked, I was given a broken one and told to fix it. A coworker who had intellectual disabilities and poor eyesight was not offered a heater at all. I did not renew for the next season. Kim and I stayed in touch though.

I worked next at a gift shop at a historical site. I loved the history and the old buildings, but the cashier work was admittedly difficult. Most of the employees were kind, retired old ladies who treated me gently, like a child. Sometimes too much like a child. The assistant manager seemed wary of me, and she often avoided me. I don’t know why. I’m not good with eye contact, and I always fear that people will mistake my zoning out as being creepy or disrespectful; maybe it was that. She never brought her kids with her on days I worked.

The head manager was courteous, but always called me Special. We had an older man work in the last 2 years I was there who had a strong inclination to associate with the children at the shop, and in turn, me as well. He would always want a hug or pat me on the back, but ignored the other workers. I told the managers my uncomfortable feelings about him, but it went mostly unnoticed.

When it was found that I was decent with computers, I was tasked with entering jewelry into the system and creating labels with number associations. I enjoyed it, and they promised me a decent raise. My pay was raised a dollar several weeks later, and I found myself being tasked with more and more computer work, to the point of becoming an office manager myself, earning a grand total of 9 dollars an hour while my counterpart who started a year earlier owned a home on the same work.

I left that job after 4 years to be the music director at a local church. I love music and was excited. Maybe too excited. I developed acid re-flux and was hospitalized the week before my start day due to a panic attack. I realize now it was from stress. I also had an ovarian cyst removed a year later- it took up my entire pelvis and its formation was also attributed to stress. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and I continue to have ever changing digestive issues, muscle problems and panic attacks.

After realizing I was autistic and also non-binary, so much of the stress of life started to make sense. The past few months I have been making life changes, and working towards finding a workplace that is accommodating and safe for me. My stress has lessened.

I worked at the church for 2 years. My last day is actually at the end of this month. As is the trend, I was not treated with respect when it came to my job. My pastor started choosing the hymns over me, and would make comments about me during services. His favorite was to say that my music made him fall asleep, and wait for laughter from the congregation. He had no musical knowledge, and forced me to play every song as fast as I possibly could. He didn’t believe I could do my job. Any attempts at mutual work failed to manifest. I unfortunately was groomed by a member of the hiring committee there as well, a type of abuse I didn’t even realize I had fallen into until several months after it was too late.

I currently work at a high school as a choir accompanist. I use she/they pronouns there, but no one uses they and I’m too worried to be fully they like I am outside of work. I am wary of soiling my relationship with the director further. She’s quite religious in the ‘gays don’t have rights’ way, so I have my fears.

The director is kind, but sees me as this innocent child that happens to have natural piano abilities, and the mutual respect that I’ve come to dream of just isn’t there again.

The director has the key to the doors and lets students in without fail, but conveniently forgets to let me in almost every day. At one time, I was in physical therapy and had a hard time standing and walking for any period of time. I almost went home because she didn’t answer any communication, class started 20 minutes previously, and it was 90 degrees outside and I needed to sit down because my legs were cramping. She plans the music weeks in advance, but doesn’t give them to me until the day the students get it, despite my repeated asking for time to prepare.

One day I was on zoom and she and the student teacher greeted me and then ignored my presence and played the piano herself for class. She struggled with the parts and commented to the choir that, “wow, Ms. Khango is actually pretty dang good at this- that little girl can play!”, but didn’t listen to me when I offered to play. I left the zoom after an hour.

The online students seemed to share my surprise at least, and I am grateful to them. They kept me grounded and reminded me that I matter and should have the same respect as everyone else in the room, zoom or not. They talk to me about not being heard and their chats not being read during class. It bothered me, too. The next week I brought it up to her in the form of making sure the zoom students were heard and she quickly dismissed it, like it was a puff of smoke. The students online now ask me questions directly and I relay them. It’s met with annoyance by the director.

They have voices too.

One of the scariest moments of my life was last week- I wore my ‘disability rights are human rights’ shirt to school. (Okay, maybe not scary to some, but it very much was for me.) After class, one of the students came to me and asked if I could help him find a way for his grandfather to get a seat at the concert, as he was disabled and he didn’t know how to proceed.

It filled me with joy to help him, and it filled me with rage when the teachers asked if his grandpa could just get out of the wheelchair instead.

My overall conclusion to all of these things is that people simply don’t understand, or don’t want to because it makes their lives harder.

Is discrimination and ignorance really easier than respecting people?

I’m not sure if this is all just one big complaint essay. I guess it is. What I needed to do was write it all out. All the things that make me uneasy or feel like lesser of a person. And I wanted to know why.

I note that at every job I am perceived as a child, or as someone naïve. I am not treated the same as another adult employee. I was ostracized for my way of moving and talking. Taken advantage of. My needs were not accommodated.

Even now, I feel guilt for writing this, like I’m just playing the victim for attention or something.

I want to be strong enough to stand up to it and ask to be treated with respect and have it follow through.

I want to unmask myself more and let myself move and talk naturally, and use my real pronouns.

My respect for myself and for others must become a powerful force.

My friends on discord- my real, genuine friends, have become monumental in my life. Most of my life I did not have true friends. Without them and their unconditional love and support, I would not be where I am right now. We are all equals. I want to embody that strong respect and bring it to others.

It’s getting late. 1 a.m. now. Well, I have tomorrow. Plenty of time for Star Trek.

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[palossssssand]

I'm going to be very upfront with you. I've seen your yv gjinka going around a lot and the fact that you, a nonblack person who's gjinkas are mainly people of color, making one of the most black coded characters have almost pitch black skin is horribly antiblack and racist. It's made me and several other black ppl very uncomfortable and I would simply ask either for a design change or just changing the skintone because it's been heavily exhausting to see it most of the time.

Hey, anon, you are completely understandable and this is something that’s been on my mind ever since someone pointed it out. I’m going to post this in a readmore so that it doesn’t get long on someone’s dash but I think it’s important for everyone to read. 

I’m going to be upfront in that I legitimately do not know how to handle something like this. This is an issue that is very much touchy for a lot of people and I have never been confronted about issues of skintone in character/gijinka design so please bear with me here. 

First of all, I am sincerely sorry for any discomfort I may have brought you and others. I try to be mindful of the design choices I make but it’s clear to say that I fucked up. Yes, as a nonblack person, I’m not as cognizant towards this issue as I’d like to be and I do acknowledge that I cannot compare my experience as a POC to this situation because it does NOT excuse my from being unintentionally racist. I’ve been asked by another anon about this and I never replied, so I’m sorry about that too. I never replied because I didn’t know how to answer and I was, admittedly, a little taken aback by it. 

I might be going off on a ramble about it but here are some thoughts I have about this situation. I will disclaim that under no circumstances are these answers excuses for my actions, rather, they serve as explanations and maybe might help point me in a better direction as to where I went wrong. 

In regards to the design itself, it’s very much... a tricky situation because the source character is most definitely a stereotype. Most other gijinkas I’ve seen are either black or physically black WHICH, BY THE WAY, just because it’s common does NOT mean it is acceptable. In regards to Yung Venuz, he’s the embodiment of that rap “gangster” culture. His voice actor isn’t even black but it’s coded that way because the creators made YV that character. YV’s entire canon personality consists of caring only for money and guns and hating the police. Is YV’s entire character problematic?

So, if I had to design a gijinka, what to do? Not make one at all?

the following is NOT an excuse for me being ignorant, it is 

When initially designing him, the one thing I had in mind was like. well, He’s an alien. From Venus. If he was canonically a human person before the apocalypse I would design him as a human person with regular features. But since he’s canonically not from earth I wanted to design him differently, his inhuman features are because I wanted him to have a more extraterrestrial feel but still humanoid. And in-game, his limbs, are black. Now, making racial caricatures under the excuse of “they’re an alien” is shitty. But I didn’t take “oh hes black coded” and translate it into “ok so he’ll have black skin”, I took “well he’s an alien” and went “so he can have one eye and skin that humans don’t have”. The point i’m trying to make is that if all I knew about YV was that he was a white triangle with black limbs and from space, I would have physically designed his body the same. If he wasn’t black-coded I would have designed him the same. I like the black/white/gold contrast and his whole silhouette still looks like a triangle with stick limbs. 

 Again, this is NOT an excuse, I’m not trying to justify that his design isn’t harmful, it’s merely to serve as my conscious design choices.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about this sort of thing and it’s definitely been stressing me out a little, I want to avoid being the guy who brushes off these concerns as “ruining fun” because that’s absolutely not it. I don’t want to end up like v*vziepop’s h*zbin h*tel designs which are all harmful stereotypes. I really do want feedback for change but it’s still tricky when the source material has elements that may be taken as inherently harmful. 

Genuine questions I have: is it an ‘erasure of culture’ for a black-coded character to have straight hair? Do the same rules apply when considering alien characters as opposed to human characters? At what point do black coded characters become acceptable/unacceptable and at what point can you represent something without it becoming a caricature? 

I don’t have the answer to these questions and I’m not trying to be patronizing but does show how much I don’t know about what I’m “allowed” to do because I’m not part of the particular community. So I really appreciate any sort of feedback/explanation without things escalating out of hand. It’s not my place to have this judgement on this issue in character design. 

Sorry if you didn’t want a long-winded ramble but, I did do some potential changes or fixes that might make the situation better. I’ve gotten really attached to his general design but I’m definitely going to make a change if I’m going to keep drawing him. 

I don’t know if any of these genuinely avoids the problem but again, it’s not my place, and I’m open to suggestions for change. Again. I’m really sorry about this whole ordeal, I didn’t mean to cause any harm for anyone. 

[kotofvi]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: Leo      Age: 27       Contact: IM, Inbox, Disco

Character(s) I rp: Canon: Shiro, Sebastian, Dirk, Kyoya, Kurama, Nelliel, Maka, Dwicky. OCs: Hades, Google, Emogene, Dominic, Seirios, Iso, Felix, Reeves, Nyx, Zeru, Ren, Charlie, Dakota, Nemo, Bluejay, Koko, BD, Raven, Cora, Sammie, Lucie, Poppie, Ollie, Alphie, Bambi, Abbigail, Hiraeth, Bonnie, Rei, Rory.   Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Nelliel, Shiro, Rei, Bonnie, Hiraeth.  Current Fandom(s): Bleach, V/LD, Naruto. (I’m not deeply involved in the fandoms themselves anymore.) Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  Uhhhhh.. I basically have an AU for any fandom if I know it well and am asked for it.  My language(s): English. (I’m learning other languages but I don’t RP in them unless it’s just a sentence or two.)  Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for: Modern, Mythology, Medieval. 

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. (I legit love all lengths, tbh, it’s more so with one-liners I tend to lose interest if there’s no substance to further it.)  Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  (I’ve admittedly been v busy, so if you’re fine with me takin’ forever-- YES) Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT.  How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) (It really depends here.) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC.(I post more IC, but the gaps between IC and OOC make it seem like there’s more OOC at times???) Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  (This is entirely because half the fandoms some of my muses come from are absolute shit so I have to be careful.) 

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  IM or Inbox-- tbh, Just kick my inbox in and screech that you wanna plot/rp with me so long as you’re a mutual. I’m honestly so laid back?? Sure, it might take me a minute but this is entirely because IRL things and not because I’m putting anyone off. 

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  Having fun? Having ideas? I guess, just, mutual interest? I mean, I’m here to write! I’m here to have fun! If you’re not interested in that much alone then?? I guess bye?? ‘Cause I’ll become very annoying to anyone who doesn’t have an interest purely because I’ll randomly ambush my partners with excitement and ideas. 

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  Oh I’ll just straight up ask if they want to continue the thread or start a new one! I mean, I get it, you can lose interest or otherwise just not feel it anymore and that’s fine! If you’re not interested in that particular thread, then no worries, we can always start more! If you’re just being one-sided in general, however?? I’m not gonna be interested at all and I’ll likely tell you as such. 

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?:  Normally it’ll just happen? I’ll do my “Hey what if they ___” thing and then a rapid bombardment of inquiries and excitement later, there is a thread. It’s usually mutual, the involvement of creating this plot, but sometimes it’s just me being excited and them being excited and then suddenly BAM THERE BE THREADS. S’all good over here! 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: I mean?? I’d like to know, yes! But I get that sometimes it’s incredibly anxiety ridden trying to tell someone that you’ve lost interest in a thread. It’s alright if you don’t tell me, but if you can muster up the courage to do so I’d appreciate it! I’m not gonna be upset at you for losing interest/muse in a thread! If I cared deeply about the story, I might poke at you and then you can tell me?? Either way it’s fine and tbh, I don’t mind. However, please let it be known that you can take forever on a reply as well so don’t worry about just hoarding a draft too! Tbh, I had someone reply to a thread literally a year later and I was still excited for it!  - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  Just shoot me an IM or hell, make a list of threads you’re dropping and tag me in it??? Which ever! Or don’t even tell me at all, whatever works for you sugar! 

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  Hmn, being overwhelmed-- I tend to accumulate a lot of drafts and 90% of them are long so sometimes I’ll drop a thread or two to help myself get by. Also lack of muse/interest is a factor. I won’t drop a thread purely out of being overwhelmed unless I just can’t muster up the muse to respond to it.  - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. Sometimes I get overwhelmed myself and I’ll drop a thread, forget to tell my partner, etc. Other times I’ll tell them before I even delete the draft! 

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  Yes and no~ Yes primarily! I get that others can take a minute to muster up the courage to talk to others and would just prefer to keep things to a few sentences at first! However, I can and will ambush you with conversation and interest nonetheless. Because communication is important. If you’ve got something you wanna say to me, say it! I’m here for it!  - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?:  Yup! If you’ve got an issue or something that might come across as criticism to say, say it! Civil discussion is absolutely wanted here and I would like to work out any issues you may have with me or my portrayal.  - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:  To write and have fun! To explore in depth the characters I create or take on! I mean, c’mon, lbr here-- my gremlin ass muses require some more in depth speculation and investigation into their characters! I love the creativity, the world building, the constant drive to do better and to make others feel something from words alone. The capability to rend emotion from another living being simply from reading and reacting to something I created is amazing and I want to make others cry, laugh, smile and think. I want to create. 

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  Oh man, there’s an endless supply of things I’d like to do! I want to explore the depths of my muses’ histories more?? Like Shiro, I want to write out the things he must’ve seen, felt, experienced. How Nelliel was when she was alive, how Shiro fared in the Arena when he wasn’t fighting, Seb’s life torn between the various throws of data and reality-- there’s so much! And ALL THE AU’s!!!! All of them!!!  

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore: Sure, I work with a lot of darker themes like torture, gore, etc-- but I will not write Rape, sexual abuse, nor will I write child loss.  

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: I can work with most starters! However, if I’m randomly given a starter that I can’t work with for the muse selected, I’ll inform the person who wrote it! I appreciate the effort given but don’t expect me to be able to reply to every random starter given! Sometimes, they don’t even show up in my tag. 

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  Okay, I’m a sucker for the underdogs, aggressive folks and the villains. I’m not even going to try and lie and say I don’t immediately look at the Aizens and Kenpachis and go ah yes, those fucking gremlins, give me ten. I also love the background characters? The side characters in a show that seem so unimportant but have a crucial role? I love characters that have such an obscure involvement that you have to stop and ask why and how their involvement was crucial. I also love the soft beans? The ones who are so hyped with positivity and gleaming interest that they just can’t be ignored?? But then turn around and whoop some poor sap’s ass with that sparkle sparkle smile. Also love the upstanding moral types that also acknowledge that some things can’t be avoided and that morality is a grey area dependent on the perceptions of the individuals themselves. 

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  Hmn-- I guess the kind that don’t seem to have much substance to them? The ones that are just uncharacteristically too kind. Yes, I love the overwhelmingly positive types but?? Also?? The ones that are too kind and without flaw just?? Don’t strike me as interesting. Also the ones that are just cruel for some obscure reason just to give them a reason to be villains. I mean I understand but also?? Villains don’t have to have a reason?? They can be cruel just to be cruel. Idk that’s always just been a thing with me.

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  I guess that I’m fairly laid back? I don’t mind if you take 10 years to reply, I’m going to get excited if you message me with some random idea, I’m not going to be bothered by any ideas you suggest?? I can also sometimes give u doodles?? I don’t have time to doodle a lot but sometimes, once in a blue moon, you’ll get a random offering of doodled booty for ur blessing. Also gonna hit you up with random HCs, ideas, threads, etc?? Always?? Idk, I’m not too good at thinking about positive aspects of myself lmfao. 

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: Hnnn, I’m too laid back at times. I take too long to reply and I’m busy af IRL. I’m often goaded into being irritated by some asshole or another so I can come off aggro af too when I don’t mean to be. Sometimes I can get overwhelmed and disappear for a week, other times I can end up overwhelming someone else by being too excited? I tend to watch how much I do and say because I feel like I might come off as smothering and am too used to being shut down and told to shut up so I just don’t?? Do anything sometimes. I’m also not very good at initiating contact sometimes so I tend to go days and weeks without speaking to others. 

Do you rp smut?:  YES / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  Usually only if it’s developmental for the characters involved. Sometimes it’s just fun to do! It really depends on the characters involved + if I have any muse in general for it.  - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  ???? Kinda vague, Idk? I mean if I don’t wanna rp somethin’ I’ll say so. 

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO. Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  The relationship, the depth of two muses who can be wildly different or even similar. The multifaceted involvement of others to that relationship, the angst, the arguments, the sad moments along with all the happy things and how hard one might try while the other is cold-- etc. I don’t just want happy dates and sunshine, that’s not how relationships work after all!   - What is your smut tag?: Kettledrums

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO. - And what kind of ones?: I like a lot of pre-established relationships! However, I can be a tad wary of child muses? Aka: The ones who are children of one of my muses. Reason being, sometimes even I don’t know how they’d raise a child so the muse in question would be off putting to me because it’s out of my realm. Beyond that, I’m down for just about everything! 

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  Since I have so many damn muses, I’mma just go with Shiro for all of this-- I suppose what they could find interesting is his very multifaceted dynamic as a soldier, human, technical non-human (Zombae), war worn, space exploring person. He can be rainbows and sunshine but also can suddenly become incredibly aggressive and cold. He’s not one or the other, he’s all and everything that he’s learned and encompassed while still remaining fragile and human in the end. Writing with him can be inspiring and can be soul wrenching, depending on the thread. As for plots, dude your character could be in space in one thread if the otherwise couldn’t be. There’s so many ways to go about writing with him?? He’s such an amazing character and the plots he can be instilled in are almost limitless with just his main verse. 

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:   Hmn-- I guess the main one I have issues injecting him into place with would be the ones who are strictly non-tech oriented?? I mean, I can still have him there but getting him to fit is just?? Really difficult. Also with people who RP villains of his fandom and expect him not to be volatile. I’m sorry, but if you’re writing a S.endak or a Z.arkon-- you’re not going to get roses and butterflies with Shiro, plain and simple. If that’s something you can’t accept then don’t approach him with those muses.  - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  He works really well with most anyone! So long as one goes into it knowing he can be hostile with soldiers, Galra, etc; then he can be used no matter what. He’s one of my most capable muses that doesn’t have much of an issue when it comes to responding. 

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  Space, mechanics, biomedical engineering, people, freedom, fighting for a cause, flowers, his mother, violin, cats, sparring, getting stronger, constellations, nebulae, engineering, literature, alien languages, cooking. - What do they desire, is their goal?:  The safety of others, the freedom of others, the ability to choose, hope-- he wants to make sure those he cares for and all others are free and safe from the Galra take over.  - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  How they look at him. If they show signs of pity, of fear, he tends to walk away from any possible meeting with them. Otherwise, their appearance is what first catches his eye. How they dress, how they respond to him, how they talk and if he can make them crack a smile with an awkward joke.  - What do they value in a person?:  Hope, Strength, Loyalty, Purpose, Honesty, Patience. - What themes do they like talking about?:  Shiro’s more of a listener than a talker, but honestly he’ll talk about anything of interest and question anyone’s as well to get them to talk about it. It’s what makes conversation with him easygoing most of the time.  - Which themes bore them?:  Himself. He’ll try to avert any conversation about himself if it’s too personal or too close to something. It’s not so much that it bores him but that type of talk is reserved for those insanely close to him. Also talk of command bores the FUCK out of him. He’s never been one to really like rank. 

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  So. Fucking. Much. Between being a prisoner of a war he was never involved with to being told he was a leader of a rebellion for said war, being a prisoner in the Arena and forced to fight and kill others, being held down and sedated as he tried to warn the others, DYING-- this boy has been thru too much.  - What could possibly trigger them?:  Certain noises, textures, Galra, medical equipment, certain lighting.  - What could set them off, enrage them?:  Galra, someone protecting him. - What could lead to an instant kill?:  Any bloodlust towards him or those he cares for. Most of the time, he has this under control and tries to be merciful, give them a chance; but sometimes, especially during an episode; there’s no stopping him from gunning for someone’s throat if they had any intent to harm another or himself. 

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  Z.arkon, S.endak, L.otor, H.aggar, Druids, himself a lot of the time. - Is there someone /-thing they love?:   The paladins, space fam in general, his mother, his friends, people in general. 

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  Just approach him? Honestly, Shiro’s one of the easiest persons to converse with and get near. That doesn’t mean his guard is dropped, but he’s very easy going a lot of the time outside of battle. So long as you have a reason to approach him (even simpler ones like: his appearance, his arm, etc) then you’re set.  - Where are they usually to find?:  Oof, honestly? Anywhere. Space, Earth, other places-- he’s constantly on the move. If you want a set place, just say somewhere on Earth and I can work with that. 

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  Shiro is certainly easy to get along with, but he is not without flaw or issue. He has a plethora of issues even after the fall of the Galra Empire. He’s not without his scars, physical and otherwise. Approaching him is easy but getting close to him is not. Don’t expect him to be an open book. Just because he can talk about war, battle, fighting with a straight face doesn’t mean he wasn’t effected by it. He has suffered greatly and it will show the closer you get to him. 

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by: @skyvar​  [ <3 ] Tagging: IF YOU WANNA PARTAKE IN THIS INSANITY, PLEASE DO AND TAG ME IN IT SO I CAN READ IT!!! 

[bloggish]

Fic (Excerpt): Performance Art

aka. asoiaf rarepairs week just started and I realise I cannot possibly get my fill for the first day done today (esp. as I'm already a whole day late and just taking advantage of the timezone difference so y'all won't notice), so I'm going to post the first scene here so I can feel like I've accomplished something, and finish the rest of it, er, whenever

Characters/Pairing: Bran/Theon, various Rating: Teen Spoilers: None really Warnings: Cursing, implied homophobia Prompt: Faking Dating

*

Okay, this is stupid. Bran is not going to pretend the whole situation isn't stupid. If someone was coming up with a list of reasons why he is not yet a mature and responsible individual and should not be trusted to make his own decisions (which he suspects the rest of his family has done behind his back), this whole evening would probably end up pretty close to the top.

He was just trying to be a good friend, go see the art gallery when Jojen asked. He even managed to talk his mum into letting him go on his own, telling her that Jojen's sister would drive them and her car had plenty of space for the chair. He was anticipating a nice, relaxing evening, looking at art and nodding along with Jojen's explanations of what it all means, feeling like a proper grown up.

Of course, forgot to account for the fact Jojen is Jojen, so he's buggered off somewhere in his infuriatingly mysterious way, and left little Bran all on his lonesome, trying not to panic.

And then he gets cornered.

Because why not?

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Bran winces, and reluctantly turns around to see – Joffrey Baratheon, bloody hell. He hasn't even seen Joffrey Baratheon in years, not since the tool finally graduated, something Bran is grateful for every day.

As long as he can remember Joffrey has held this irrational grudge against his family, ever since Sansa dumped him when they were like thirteen. You'd think he'd move on eventually, but no. And Joffrey might not be very physically intimidating, but because his family are so rich (and probably mobbed up) he's very good at making physically intimidating friends. And Bran, typically one to be cautious about conflict and get his own back through less direct methods, starts looking for exit routes.

“Er. Hi Joffrey,” he says, his eyes scanning the room, probably looking quite a bit like a deer in the headlights. See Jojen, this is what happens when you pull your disappearing trick on me.

Joffrey, having clearly not become any less of a budding psychopath in the past two years (or, okay, given he's like twenty now he probably doesn't count as 'budding' anymore), seems pleased to see Bran is uncomfortable, and takes a step forward. “So what are you doing here?” he asks, but he doesn't pretend to care about the answer. “I can't believe my mother talked me into coming into this stupid exhibit. Urgh. I can't stand modern art.”

Bran has mixed feelings about modern art himself, but feels an instinctive need to come to the defense of all the creators who put their hearts and souls into the works on display only to be thoughtlessly dismissed by a boy who's never been invested in any work of art that doesn't feature a baby being smashed open with a hammer. Then he remembers he's trying to avoid being beaten up.

“Uh, well, I'm here with my...” he says, somewhat cowardlily (if that's a word). Joffrey raises an eyebrow. My what? thinks Bran. He's mostly here for Jojen's sakes, but telling Joffrey he's here with a friend could mean anything, and if Jojen never actually shows up again, he can only work so much as a human shield. And even if Jojen was here: with all due respect, he weighs as much as some twigs. How much of a disincentive to Joffrey having some of his buddies throw Bran in the alley out back could he possibly be?

“...boyfriend.”

Wait, what?

Bran sees Joffrey's claw clench immediately, like he disapproves, but Bran knows he has to be careful about what he says, ever since his mother – who also happens to be mayor – got caught on tape making disparaging comments about Mrs. Merryweather's sexuality, and has been desperately trying to repair her relationship with the local LGBTQ community ever since (Bran's pretty sure he's saw Mrs. Lannister and Mrs. Merryweather holding hands under the table at official functions before that as well, confusing the matter for him, but he's not one to gossip).

“I see,” says Joffrey. Bran now realises what a stupid thing that was to say. He just wanted to warn Joffrey that he does in fact have someone waiting in the wings who can and will beat up anyone who messes with him.

Except, you know, he doesn't. He has no boyfriend anywhere in his life story. No girlfriend either, for that matter. He's a nerd. And if Joffrey finds out he lied, then he's definitely getting beaten up.

Joffrey gives him a thorough once-over, then snorts. “Didn't know you swung that way, Stark,” he says, and Bran finds himself blushing. Admittedly, he doesn't think about his own sexuality that much – mostly because it is general a pretty theoretical subject. “Still. Shouldn't be surprised.”

Bran is just about to lose control of himself and snap when suddenly, a hand lands on his shoulder and makes him jump (as best he can anyway). “Hey Bran.”

He spins around and sees a figure looming overhead. Tall. Older. Handsome. And with muscles specially trained from years of swim practice, enough to make any of Joffrey's cronies think twice. Bran is swamped with relief, and throws his arms around the man's waist desperately. “Theon!”

Theon jumps, understandably startled given that despite having been his older brother's best friend since forever, Bran doesn't really like him, has never really liked him, and they've certainly never greeted each other with hugs before. Bran doesn't know why, but Theon has always just gotten under his skin for some reason, with his clever grin and dirty jokes that he only says when he thinks the kids (and he is still very much a kid in Theon's eyes) aren't listening, but always manage to make him blush. Usually whenever he's over hanging out with Robb, Bran spends the time safely secluded in his room, being irrationally and inexplicably frustrated by the situation.

Under ordinary circumstances, Theon Greyjoy is the last person in the world who he would ask to be his pretend boyfriend. Especially because Theon is absolutely going to tell Robb, and then Bran is never going to live it down for the rest of his life. But, Bran reasons, Theon is the person unfortunate enough to have wandered in now, and you know what they say about desperate times and desperate measures. Annoying as he is, Bran does trust Theon, more or less – at the very least, he's certain Theon can't let him get beaten up without Robb murdering him. Ergo, he'll do in a crisis.

Confused as he must be, Theon does lean down to very awkwardly return his hug. Bran takes advantage to whisper in his ear: “I'm really sorry about this. Please just play along?”

Theon seems seems bewildered when he stands back up, but when Bran grasps his hand and clasps it tight, he starts to get the idea. His eyes go wide, and then he purses his lips together, like he can hardly keep from laughing. When Bran looks at Joffrey again, the boy looks disgusted, but is trying to hide it. “So,” he says, “is this your...?”

“Mm-hmm,” says Bran, maybe too quickly. “He's older though, off at uni, so you don't see him around much. And he's off at athletics training most of the time. He's really strong.” He hopes that sounds more like hormonal gushing and less like the veiled threat it really is. Theon lets out a brisk laugh, and Bran smacks his arm to keep him from giving the game away.

Joffrey squints at Theon suspiciously. “You look familiar somehow.”

Crap. Bran's heart races. He was really hoping Theon graduated long enough ago that Joffrey wouldn't remember him. Theon gives Bran a questioning look, and Bran can only shrug at him, not sure what to say. “You might have seen me in a magazine or something?” Theon eventually suggests.

Magazine? Who even reads magazines? But Theon has started the lie and Bran is better off just going with it. “Yeah, with his school swim team,” he adds. “They're very successful, so they get in all the sports papers and stuff.”

Joffrey looks at them – then scoffs, muttering something under his breath about 'oh, is that the sort of magazine he's in?' Bran gets annoyed again, but Theon squeezes his hand before he can do anything stupid. “Well, my mother's probably looking for me by now, so anyway,” Joffrey declares imperiously, giving them both a withering glance. “...Bye you two.”

The naked contempt is still annoying, but Bran is too busy being relieved when Joffrey decides to leave him the fuck alone to worry much about it. He lets out a sigh, and he expects Theon to let go of his hand as soon as possible. Instead, he simply feels the hand still in his own start to shake, as Theon can no longer contain his laughter. Bran groans loudly. “Oh, don't,” he says, fully aware that Theon is not going to take any notice.

“Sorry, kid,” Theon forces through his guffaws, not sounding the least bit apologetic. “Still, do I want to know? Are you trying to stick it to your ex or something?”

“What? No. Ew.” Bran looks up at gives Theon his own withering glare, which at least quietens the laughter, if not stopping it entirely. “He's Sansa's ex, remember? Yeah, he's had a grudge against our whole family for years. And given his family connections, I was a bit afraid he'd have me beaten up if he thought he could at all get away with it.”

“Right, that cunt,” Theon nods along, laughter mostly under control now, and Bran finds himself blushing at how casually Theon drops such foul language. “So, am I your valiant protector then?” he asks, winding his arm around Bran's shoulders and the back of his chair. “Your knight in shining armour?”

That doesn't help Bran's blush, and he finds he's surprisingly hot given Theon is barely making any actual contact with him. The air conditioning in this place must be broken. “You're a person I know who's reasonably tall and has done some sports,” he says, dropping his gaze to the floor. “Don't let it go to your head.”

Theon laughs once more at that, and Bran sighs, starting to wheel away – he ought to figure out where the friend he actually came here with has gotten to. As he starts to move however, he realises that Theon is walking alongside him, and he looks up disbelievingly. “What, are you going to  follow me around all night?” he asks.

He gets an equally disbelieving look in return. “Well, yes,” says Theon. “If I'm pretending to be your boyfriend kid, we might have to spend time together,” he points out. Bran opens his mouth to argue, and then realises that no, Theon is one hundred percent right. Dammit. “Besides, you're a terrible liar. There's no way you're pulling this one off if I'm not there to do the acting for you, and then you really will get beaten up, and then Robb will kill me. Not worth it.”

As if to prove his point, Theon leans over once more and kisses Bran – totally chastely, on the top of his head. Still, Bran turns bright red again, and wraps his arms around himself protectively. “Fine,” he mutters, annoyed. In hindsight, it would have been easier if he let Mum come with him after all.

When he looks back up, Theon is grinning like he's looking forward to this way more than he ought to be.

[jewishconvertthings]

I’m confused about the different branches of Judaism, and why there’s so much “friction” between them. Could you please clarify?

Hi anon,

So this is a huge question and a rather fraught one at that, which is why I’ve been putting off answering it tbqh. But basically, the main differences between the branches are how they view Torah, which consequently defines their practice of Judaism. Branches that view Torah as being the revealed Word of Hashem are going to be a lot stricter in their interpretations and practice than groups that view the Torah as divinely inspired but human-made or entirely written and conceived of by people.

I’m gonna try to go into a bit more detail than that, but keep in mind that this is pretty limited by my experience, which is American and Ashkenazi.

Okay, so divisions within Judaism are interesting, because you’ve got the minhag (tradition) groups: Sephardic, Ashkenazi, and Mizrahi, and then you’ve got several branches within the Ashkenazi tradition (but I don’t think that’s true for the other minhagim – if it is, I am unfamiliar with them and someone who actually knows should correct me). (You’ve also got Karaite Judaism, which is really different because it’s not rabbinic Judaism, meaning they don’t recognize the Talmud even though they are Torah observant.) However, your country also matters; Reform in the United States is different than Reform in Canada and the UK, for example.

The big four movements in American Ashkenazi Judaism are Reform, Orthodox, Conservative, and Reconstructionist. However, there are other, smaller ones as well, such as Humanistic, Renewal, and Traditional. (I’m probably missing some, but those are the less-mainstream ones I’m familiar with.) Within orthodoxy, you’ve got several different groups, the main ones being Hasidic, Modern, and Haredi. (There are further subdivisions of orthodoxy, but I’m out of my depth when it comes to the specifics. If any orthodox folks want to explain this please be my guest!)

Now, as to the stickier subject – this “friction” you mention.

So one major divide is between the so-called “liberal” and “traditional” branches – namely, between Orthodoxy and the other three major movements. (I say so-called because there are plenty of liberal Jews with a deep reverence for Jewish tradition and many traditional Jews with liberal politics.) This divide is caused by differing attitudes towards halacha – orthodoxy views it as strictly binding, whereas the liberal branches view it as more fluid to varying extents.

Within liberal Judaism, the main friction between Reform and Conservative is that Reform Jews view the law (halacha) as non-binding and open to individual interpretation, whereas Conservative Jews view it as binding(ish). Just exactly how binding seems to vary based on the congregation – a self-identified “conservadox” congregation is going to take a lot stricter definition of “binding” than a Conservative congregation that is basically Reform save for preserving the traditional service structure and more of the Hebrew. Reconstructionism, for its part, seems to have separated from both Reform and Conservative because it liked the preservation of tradition of Conservative Judaism, but for cultural reasons, as it took a similar theological view to Reform. (Any Reconstructionists, please correct me if this is wrong.)

Now, to truly understand these differences, you have to look at the history of how these movements came about. The Reform movement was a product of the Enlightenment and a desire to both integrate/assimilate into modernity. Orthodoxy, as a separate movement, came to be labeled as such as a response to the rise of Reform Judaism. (Prior to the existence of the Reform movement, orthodoxy was just sort of the default, with varying degrees and styles of observance between communities and individuals.) In the wake of this split, the Conservative movement formed as a somewhat centrist position – its adherents understood and approved of the Reform movement’s desire to integrate into society/modernity and have a progressive politic, but believed that Reform took its changes too far and dropped too many of the traditional elements of Judaism.

While the current Reform movement has reembraced many of these elements, such as using more traditional Hebrew prayers, encouraging the wearing of kippot and tallit, keeping some elements of kashrut, etc. it still maintains that it is up to the individual Jew to decide what traditional elements bring them joy, spiritual depth, and draws them closer to Hashem. Ergo, Reform Judaism’s relationship to halacha is primarily rooted in meaningfulness – the line in the sand is drawn by each person based on what is meaningful to him or her.

Conservative Judaism seems to utilize a much more traditional means of analyzing halacha, yet does so much more liberally than orthodoxy and also includes non-traditional methods, such as examining the historical context and modern scholarship. It also seems that Conservative Judaism gives weight to, but does not consider strictly binding, the idea that our knowledge and ability to interpret the law goes down over time. That is, within orthodoxy, there is this idea that the sages of the Talmud and subsequent halachic authorities had a much firmer grip on what was actually taught by the Oral Law, and thus we are bound by their precedent. Ergo, if in 2017, our modern scholars say we shouldn’t hold onto the ruling that kitniyot is forbidden during Pesach, in the Conservative movement this would fly – orthodoxy, not so much.

Which is not to say that in orthodoxy there is no change – there are changes, but they are decided (so far as I can tell) for the most part on new situations, using the full existing body of halachic literature as binding precedent. As for changes to existing precedent? I have no idea how those decisions get made, but generally speaking, it seems like this is typically avoided.

(Admittedly, I’m still trying to wrap my head around exactly how and why halachic lines get drawn according to all movements that hold the law even somewhat binding, so this is just my student’s understanding of it.)  

Now, unfortunately, a lot of this friction comes to a head with regards to conversion and converts from different movements. A big part of this is related to the recognition of who’s a real rabbi, and thus who can conduct valid conversions. However, the requirements for conversion into the different branches differ as well, which is why the liberal movements are not recognized by Orthodox movements, who view these conversions as not in conformity with halacha.

All that said, while there is unfortunately plenty of in-fighting, there is also in my experience, a great deal of collaboration and cooperation in practice between shuls within the same community. I was recently talking to a self-identified orthodox rabbi (despite his not working for an explicitly orthodox shul) who explained he and his fellow rabbis from other movements had enough rapport with each other that they would happily refer prospective congregants and/or conversion students to each other, should they feel that those individuals would be a better fit elsewhere.

I have also been to plenty of events put on by multiple congregations from different branches, and know people who go to services at more than one shul of different branches. I, myself, typically go to both the Reform and Conservative services my congregation runs, and I’m far from the only one. When I relocate, it’s quite possible that I’ll end up bouncing back and forth between a very politically liberal but still MO congregation and a Conservative congregation that is closer to where I live.

I hope that gives you a better idea of what’s going on with this, and as always, if people want to fact-check me or correct anything I’ve said, please do – I wouldn’t want to misrepresent any particular view.

[theamberfang]

Journal 122

I’m not feeling as inspired as I was yesterday - I’m writing this when I should be in bed by now - but I said I’d write about that letter, so I’ll go ahead and give it a go.

One thing I had in mind was to start off with a sort-of apology for my own part in perpetuating the awkwardness between my father and myself. I say “sort of” because it’s not like I was very in control of things, but I do acknowledge that my actions - or more often, inaction - has probably stressed him out over the years. In particular, I think that he might think that I hate him, and that’s a high priority for me to address. I remember him asking about what I talked about in therapy - seeming to not understand my need for confidentiality, and I wasn’t able to communicate that to him very well - and when I declined to answer, he seemed put off and upset about it. At a later point, I can recall him asserting that I probably badmouth him to my therapist and to people in group therapy, and in the heat of the moment I didn’t have the wherewithal to correct him, nor have I since.

The meat of this apology would be an explanation of just what my depression and anxiety really is, because if what his response was to my attempt at applying for Medicaid in any indication (he read the papers that came in the mail, and essentially responded with “oh, it requires an actual disability” and gave up) then he is still holding onto more common perceptions of mental illness. This is despite me being hospitalized twice for this condition - despite my appreciation for him supporting me, this is one of the most frustrating things that has kept me distant. I want to make clear that I don’t avoid him because I want to: my emotions go haywire in social situations, and it is magnitudes greater when he is involved because of our parent-child relationship.

In a similar vein, I want to make clear that this means our present situation isn’t entirely his fault. I first thought of suicide in the fourth grade and he hadn’t really done anything that would result in that. This is something I’ve never told him, and neither have I ever told him about the trauma that likely contributed to those suicidal thoughts, which I’ve written a post about before and could link. Admittedly, that traumatic situation happened because he had neglected to watch over me for just a couple of minutes, but he still wasn’t directly responsible for it. I’ve never really hated him, but it’s always been difficult for me to really trust him.

With my mental illness cleared up, I’d then want to say how I want to try working together to move through this. The way we avoid each other in the house is nonsensical. To make this happen though, I’d need to address my being transgender.

Similar to how my father frustratingly doesn’t seem to understand what I’ve been hospitalized twice for, he doesn’t understand what it means for me to be transgender. My aforementioned mental condition, especially regarding him, has prevented me from explaining what it means myself, so I would have hoped that he would look into it himself. Granted, I haven’t done much research into the topic myself, but that’s because both of my parents have indicated to me that my trans-ness is something I should be scared of expressing to people: it’s left me fearful of even learning more about it. They’ve also indicated to me that they would be supportive if I actually tried to express myself, but this is a bit of a catch-22 then.

One of the things that I do know though is that one of the simplest ways to show support for a transgender person is to use the names and pronouns that they want to be referred to with, or at the very least, to avoid using a name that they explicitly do not want to be used. The new name is symbolic of the new identity, while the old name, the dead name, represents what they want to leave behind. To continue using someone’s dead name is paramount to denying the reality of their new identity. It’s important, and not some frivolous whim that I want people to abide by. I’ve imagined that it wouldn’t be too hard to come across this information if you search up something along the lines of “my child is transgender, what do I do?” so I’ve always taken it as a sign that he has not cared to look into it.

If he hasn’t done any research, what I really want to make clear is that I didn’t suddenly “choose” to be transgender. I’m not insisting on some farce in order to spite all the effort he’s put into raising me. Ever since hitting puberty, I was never comfortable seeing myself in the mirror or seeing my own naked body. I’ve often felt more comfortable trying to follow female gender norms while only obeying male gender norms begrudgingly. I literally recall asking friends “if they’d date me if I was a girl,” years before I finally put all of the pieces together. It wasn’t something that happened out of nowhere.

I’d end off with an ultimatum: if he agrees that we should work to get along better and heal our relationship, it is imperative that he refers to me by the name and pronouns that I want to be, at least in private. I’ll even come out to my grandmother so that there won’t be any confusion about it - I suppose that’s something I intend to do regardless, really. If after this explanation he continues to unrepentantly use my dead name, then I will continue to be cold to him, maybe even more so. Whatever his feelings on the matter though, I’ll still have left him access to this blog and he’d be free to follow it and explore it at his leisure. It will be a way for him to gain insight into my perspective, if only he so wishes for it, and any further ignorance I can understand to be willful. However he responds, I can feel that I’ve done what I can so that I can move forward.

[apprenticebard]

To respond to your post since you were one of the few people who disagreed with me with respect in the convo: The fact that you're one of the few is most of the problem. Most of your community othered and demonized me. This is the same othering and demonizing that most conservatives do to liberals and victims. I literally can't, as in "violates laws of physics" can't, try to find common ground/work with people who are busy making up things I never said and treating me as a demon enemy. (1/2)

Hello again, friend! I didn’t receive a second part to this message, so I’m just going to respond to this part.

One thing I have learned in my time on the internet is that it is really, really easy to miscommunicate or accidentally hurt someone, so I’m going to take this point by point. The intent here isn’t to tear apart what you’re saying, it’s to make sure I’m responding to things you actually said, since I have a natural tendency to over-interpret and accidentally make assumptions about people (which is, as you can imagine, really bad for honest and respectful communication). I’ll do my best, but please let me know if I make a mistake, OK?

“To respond to your post since you were one of the few people who disagreed with me with respect in the convo:”

I’m going to try not to say anything against any of the individual the people who conversed with you; it feels rude to publicly discuss their behavior with you without involving them in the conversation. I did notice that several people talked about you in the third person, analyzing your behavior as though you weren’t there. I want to avoid hurting anyone else by behaving similarly towards them.

“The fact that you’re one of the few is most of the problem. Most of your community othered and demonized me.”

I’m not 100% sure what specific community I’m being assigned to here, but I’m going to put that thought on hold for the moment.

Aside from that, I’d like to point out that I’m one of the few people in this conversation who has not yet been directly criticized by anyone. For the moment, I’d like to avoid getting into the question of whether the criticism aimed at other people was justified, because going through everything that was said sounds exhausting. For now, let’s just stick to the fact that I haven’t received any yet. OK?

Like many other people I’ve met, I have a hard time responding gracefully to criticism, especially if it’s criticism of my moral character. Thinking that someone else thinks I’m evil makes it really hard for me to respond calmly, kindly, or in a way that addresses what was actually said. I think maybe I’m not alone in this; it seems like other people also have a hard time being their best selves when they’re on the receiving end of criticism, especially criticism harsh enough to be described as “demonizing”. So when Scott was criticized, he might have been hurt, and that might have made it harder for him to respond calmly and kindly. And when you were criticized, it might have (understandably!) made it harder for you to respond calmly and kindly in return. And if you’re both on the defensive, and both feel like you’re being insulted, it sounds like it’s going to be very hard for any substantive communication to take place. You would both feel like the other person was trying to unjustly drag your name through the mud, and you’d both feel like your legitimate concerns were being ignored. But I haven’t been criticized, so it’s a lot easier for me to respond calmly and kindly, and therefore I don’t know that it’s entirely fair to compare my behavior to that of the other people involved.

(That’s what this situation looks like, to me, but I’m obviously no more objective than anyone else. If that assessment doesn’t match your understanding of what’s happening, then I would ask you to explain to me what you feel is happening, so I can get a more accurate picture.)

I worry that when we ascribe beliefs and harms to communities, rather than to individual people, then this situation can occur even when nobody involved has ever personally hurt or insulted any of the other people in the conversation. We can end up in a situation where we think other people are totally unreasonable, incapable of ever giving anything or ever solving any problems, and that therefore all communication with them is pointless, purely because of what group we assign them to. And when they make the same assumptions about us, obviously no substantive communication is likely to occur.

But I don’t think it has to be this way. Right now, I’m making a conscious attempt to be as charitable, understanding, and friendly as I can. I’m doing this because I think it’s an essential part of establishing good faith, so that the two of us can have a conversation. I want to hear what you have to say! I want to learn from you about how we might make the world a better place! But unless I can convince you that I genuinely want those things, then it’s unlikely that you’ll explain your points to me in a way that I can usefully respond to. So I’m trying to modify my tone. I’m trying to slow down and remind myself not to make assumptions. I’m trying to include explicit invitations for you to disagree or correct me, so that you (I hope!) will be able to have confidence that my intention is to hear your points and respectfully communicate my own. If anything I do conflicts with those goals, then I’m asking you to let me know, so that I can take more steps to make that communication easier for both of us.

I believe that if I treat people with respect, then most people will eventually respond in kind. I believe most of those people will believe some of what I believe, or will at least have interests that are not totally incompatible with my goals, and that we will therefore be able to work together in some limited manner. But that won’t happen unless I understand them, and I won’t understand them unless I can establish good-faith communication, which requires me to be respectful and charitable even when I’m not sure the other person respects me very much.

This is basically my impression of what Scott was saying in his post, which is why I appreciated it.

“This is the same othering and demonizing that most conservatives do to liberals and victims.”

I’m really uncomfortable with the idea that someone can’t be both a conservative and a victim. “Victim” is a very broad term, encompassing almost everyone who has suffered significant harm at some point. I hope we can agree that self-identified conservatives are not immune to suffering harm. (Let me know if you’re using the term differently, or if you don’t think “conservatives can also be victims” is a safe premise.)

As someone who doesn’t necessarily identify as either a liberal or a conservative (though I do think I lean conservative compared to the rest of tumblr), I’d like to say that I see a lot of demonizing from both sides. A lot of my (very nice and very considerate!) liberal friends sometimes reblog things that say that people with my beliefs are necessarily evil, hateful, etc. Take minimum wage, for one example. I don’t believe in a higher minimum wage; I think we should switch to UBI and then abolish the minimum wage entirely. This is due to a complex web of beliefs that are, in my mind, motivated by compassion for poor people, particularly poor people currently living outside the developed world. When my friends reblog things saying that my beliefs mean that I hate poor people, it hurts a little, but I try to remind myself that they’re not talking about me specifically, and that even if they were, they’re (mostly) motivated by compassion, and they are (mostly) kind to individual people. I can therefore probably find common ground with them, despite their stated belief that everyone in a group that I belong to is evil.

Obviously some conservatives do exactly the same thing. I think we’re both aware of that, so I won’t bother going into it further, unless you think further analysis of this point is important.

“I literally can’t, as in "violates laws of physics” can’t, try to find common ground/work with people who are busy making up things I never said and treating me as a demon enemy.“

It is admittedly really hard to communicate with people who seem bent on misinterpreting everything you say. Sometimes it’s not possible. You can’t utilize teamwork unless the other person is willing to act as a team under certain circumstances. Sometimes the only thing you can do is try to protect yourself, which usually means removing yourself from the other person.

But the point of a lot of what I’ve said above is that I don’t think it’s usually impossible to find common ground with people, even if they initially appear relatively hostile. Even if someone thinks of me as an adversary, I still want to support them in their efforts to do good in the world. The hope is that by doing this, they’ll eventually decide that I am not an adversary, will reclassify me as someone who can potentially be helpful to them, and will then be more willing to listen to me in return. It’s hard—communication is always hard, especially when the people involved have different unspoken beliefs and assumptions about the world. But I think that it is possible to rise to the challenge, and I think that if I try, then more often than not, I’ll eventually be able to find some axis on which my goals and those of the other person are aligned. (And even if I don’t, as long as they’re continuing to explain things, I at least have the chance to gain a better understanding of them and their worldview.)

I’m still practicing this skill, obviously, but I do think that it has strategic promise.

Again, I hope things get better for you soon, and I hope you’ll correct me if I’ve misinterpreted you or said anything that strikes you as either rude or false.

[yankeesabralimey]

Demo Day? Don’t

One of my portfolio company founders recently asked me if he or she should participate in a demo day.

My answer was a clear no. Here’s why:

What is a demo day? Definitions might vary, but I’ll define a “demo day” as any situation where a founder is asked to publicly pitch his or her startup to an audience of investors. This could be on-stage or online. It could be organized by an accelerator, an early-stage investor, a corporate, an angel group, a law firm, or anyone else. It can range in format from 2–5 minutes to much longer. And, critically, it can involve a demo(nstration) of the actual product/technology or not. Most importantly, a “demo day” is an event organized for the purpose of pitching a company (1) as an investment opportunity and (2) to investors. When you get up on stage at an industry conference or a “tech” conference (TechCrunch Disrupt, for example) to show your product to potential customers, that’s not a demo day. But getting up on stage to pitch your company as an investment most surely is.

Never participate in a demo day. Ever. Basically, my advice to anyone who wants it is never participate in a demo day. Ever. A few reasons why not (and then two highly specific caveats).

Why not?

Demo days declare that you are fundraising to the world. By getting on stage and telling the world you are fundraising — guess what? Everyone now knows you are fundraising. In my experience, that is not a good thing. Your cash position, your valuation, your stage, your traction — these are pieces of information that you want to share only with investors that you trust. And you’ll want to share them gradually over time in a controlled way. By getting on stage at a demo day, few of these things will remain a mystery for long. VCs prefer to see deals that have not been shopped around the entire planet. Like everyone else, they want to deal with people and opportunities that are perceived to be exclusive and special. Getting on stage and telling the world what you are doing flies in the face of that logic.

Demo days expose you needlessly to the risk of perceived failure. One of the biggest problems with declaring to the world that you are fundraising is the possibility that you may not succeed at first in your fundraising. For any number of a long list of very good reasons, it may take you longer to fundraise than you were expecting. But getting on stage and obviously and publicly trying to fundraise, you automatically create a situation where any (normal, natural) delay in fundraising will get perceived as a failure. (“Wait…didn’t I see that company on stage a year go? And they are still trying to raise a seed round?”) The same applies to business and product decisions: You get on stage and say you will have 100 paying SMBs in six months and — guess what — you shift to an enterprise strategy. Or perhaps that huge beta customer you talked about on stage decides to pull the project… None of this will stop a good investor from investing — but it creates confusion and just makes your fundraising job harder on the margin.

Demo days rarely if ever get you in front of any investors you can’t get to otherwise. VCs and other investors are some of the most highly networked people around. It’s very easy to get your company in front of them. And you are always better off getting a warm introduction from a founder, fellow investor, or other connection. Yes, VCs show up at demo days. But they do so, in many cases, mostly to network with other VCs and not really to listen intently to the pitches on stage. Demo days, therefore, are not really a short cut to getting in front of investors. If anything, they make it that much harder for you to control who sees you, with what intro, and when.

Demo days waste your own time by democratizing your process when you should be doing the opposite. Not all investors are created equal. It’s your job as CEO to find and select the best investors for your specific company. Getting on stage is basically an open invitation for investors of all kinds to reach out to you and start wasting your time. This could lead to a fundraising process driven by your inbox as opposed to your strategic objectives.

Demo days fail to communicate your uniqueness. Most demo days try to cram 5–25 startups into a few hours of pitching. That typically leaves a founder with 2–10 minutes to explain why their company is viable, unique, and potentially very valuable. Most of the genuinely interesting startups I’ve encountered in my career have taken at least an hour to begin to understand. If you can explain your company’s unique value proposition in 3 minutes, it’s probably not that unique. You should have a killer five-sentence elevator pitch, and you should use that to get a series of long, serious meetings with relevant investors who want to dig into the details.

Demo days create a false perception of understanding and relationships. As a result of the difficulty of conveying anything of substance in the demo day format, demo days create a false perception among entrepreneurs that “they have pitched” and a false perception among some investors that “they have heard the pitch.” These false perceptions destroy value. Entrepreneur are denying themselves the opportunity for a real pitch and investors are denying themselves the opportunity to hear a real pitch. There is nothing wrong with saying: “I would love to explain to you why our approach to zero-day information leakage prevention is a game-changer, but in order to do that properly, I’ll need an hour of your time.”

Demo days commoditize you and your company. Another painful side-effect of the demo-day format is the commoditization of companies and founders. Since you can’t really explain what your company does in five minutes, what are you going to do in those five minutes instead? All too often, you are going to use those five minutes to convince the world that you are the next Steve Jobs. Instead of helping founders show the world their uniqueness, demo days encourage founders to try to fit into some vague pre-conceived canned notion of what a “hot” founder looks like. This normally involves dramatic pauses, slick minimalistic slides, graphs going up and to the right with no numbers, vague technical claims, and — sometimes — black turtlenecks and phrases like “for the first time ever.”

Demo Day Fatigue. As an investor, I get at least one demo day invitation a week. Sometimes more than one. I suspect most investors are, by now, totally fatigued by the plethora of demo days demanding attention. Reach out to the right investors, one by one, with a cold email or (preferably) a warm introduction that speaks to why the match actually makes sense. Demo days were cool five years ago, but not any more.

To this list of why not to demo day, I want to add two caveats:

Y-Combinator. It’s probably a subject for another post, but Y-Combinator is the clear exception to this rule. Y-Combinator organized one of the original demo days, and has emerged as — by far — one of the most successful accelerator programs in the world. Most of the YC companies that pitch on demo day have already raised money in some form. In many ways, the YC Demo Day is a bit of a fiction (few actual demos, all the good startups have already raised), but it’s a useful fiction. YC’s impact on a startup’s network and brand is so profound that the demo day is a justifiable cost.

If you are already committed to an accelerator program. Naturally, if you are already committed to an accelerator program, political realities might mean you have to participate in a demo day. There is nothing wrong with this, so long as you do so with your eyes open.

So if you have to “demo day”, how do you do it?

Admittedly, it’s a bit naïve to assume that start-up CEOs will be able to resist the need to participate in demo days from time to time. Here’s how I would approach it.

Be yourself. It’s fine to benefit from some public speaking coaching. But resist any and all advice to be anything other than yourself. You don’t want rock music, refuse to go on stage to rock music. If you don’t want to speak in crazy superlatives — just don’t do it. You are not Steve Jobs. You are you. Relax and enjoy it.

Reframe the demo day as a public speaking practice opportunity, NOT as a fundraising exercise. As a CEO, public speaking is part of the job. Consider the demo day as an opportunity to practice that skill: an opportunity to explain what you are working on, why it is interesting, and why people should be excited about learning more. Talk about technology, customers, validation, product, learnings. Just be interesting. Make people want to learn more.

Recognize the limitations of the format. Under most circumstances, even the best investment opportunity will not be able to convince any serious investor to invest in a 5 minute speaking slot. So don’t even try. Don’t talk about fundraising, cash balance, valuation, milestones, etc. Put enough useful/interesting information on the table so that a smart investor can decide to reach out to you. That’s all you need to do.

Teach, don’t beseech. Take the opportunity to teach your audience something genuinely interesting about the world that they could not find out for themselves in a five minute Google search. (If you do not have any to teach, you probably haven’t figure much out…). This is your opportunity to be genuinely interesting and novel. Avoid the impulse to beseech your audience for their love, interest, or investment dollars. Instead, win their interest by establishing yourself as an expert in something.

I hope that was helpful and not too depressing…

As for me, I’ll still get all those demo day emails, and I’ll still go occasionally. But I’ll always believe that the best way to meet a startup is eye-to-eye over a coffee. Reach out. Let’s talk.

My AngelList syndicate to back the best in European & Israeli enterprise companies is now one of the largest syndicates based outside the US. We are now at well over $1.3M in backing per deal.

The syndicate has made six investments so far: all oversubscribed and all with quality co-investors. I’d be honored if you’d consider backing the syndicate — you’ll be in pretty good company and there are quite a few awesome companies in the pipeline…

[autisticreviews]

For today’s review, we have A Quiet Place, a movie which actually had the honor of being my first ever movie I watched with Movie Pass. I watched this film a little under a month ago in an empty, nice and quiet theater and the experience was interesting. My experience with Horror movies is... Odd. This is in the sense, that I personally adore horror films and think they make really fun, casual watches usually. Unfortunately, most horror movies, more or less blows. It feels like, due to all the horror movie tropes it becomes really hard for most of these movies to get out of the C category, where I can just be like ‘oh hey. It exists. It had a plot, it had a moment, it had an ending’, in fact it’s often hard for most horror films to even get to the C Rating. They are plain, and often are ‘forced’ to use the horror movie tropes since there’s often very little original ideas left to go for these days, and to be honest, these tropes are tropes for a reason because when done right, they ‘should’ be effective. Now, the other issue I have with horror movies is.. the genre is quite undefined, and often it is used interchangeably with ‘gorey’ movies, but that isn’t ‘quite’ the basis for what horror is supposed to be. Wikipedia describes horror movies as follows: A horror film is a film that seeks to elicit a physiological reaction, such as an elevated heartbeat, through the use of fear and shocking one’s audiences So not surprisingly, the best horror films are often the ones that use effective suspense instead of just typical blood and guts. This works in A Quiet Place’s favor, as the movie is a BIG user of suspense, but it’s not, by construction, the most stereotypical ‘horror’ film one might imagine. When I stepped into the theater I wanted to be as blind as possible to the movie as I could, before my friends told me the synopsis, I was certain the movie was about a family living in a haunted house with some sort of phantom that hated noise. That’s the gist that the trailers gave me, but as anybody reading this is likely aware of, that is not the case. The movie details a family’s struggles adapting to a world, after an alien invasion of blind but super-hearing sensed aliens kill off most of the population. As a result, the family communicates in sign-language for much of the film, and the movie has a good reason for why the family adapted so properly, and that would be because one of the children in the family, the eldest daughter, is deaf and they all learned it. It seems a bit convenient but in such a world there of course would likely be a family fitting these ideals. The movie truly shines in its sound editing, and it’s ability to keep you interested and focused throughout the film. With no outspoken dialogue, much of the film is in subtitles and you have to pay attention if you want to get the most of the film. I heard they considered releasing the movie without the subtitles but I’m glad they didn‘t because frankly I can’t imagine understanding most of the movie without these subtitles. But yeah, back to the sound editing. Thanks to the insane silence throughout the film every single noise made leaves me encapsulated and focused on the world, and more importantly, the setting. It gives a curious sense of immersion since the character’s are staying as quiet as they can to avoid being murdered by aliens, and I’m staying as quiet as possible to hear every single tiny detail from the movie possible. Now, unfortunately this does lead to some horror clichés, where most people complain about jump scares in movies, they don’t irritate me nearly as much as the ‘sound escalation’. A jump scare can be considered already pretty low effort for the genre already, but I think it goes extra when the movie makes the sounds bare minimum, and then at the time of the jump scare, it blasts as much volume out at you as possible in an attempt to startle you. I absolutely abhor sequences like these, they don’t make me impressed with the movie and all they leave me doing is rubbing my ears and pissed.  And admittedly, there are some very such scenes in the movie BUT it fits within the world, where normally it’s a loud crash that doesn‘t exist or a scream when some ghost shows up, in this case it is already an extremely quiet world that is broken when such monsters show up or a mistake is made. And the sound is deafening, but it makes sense because in this world, sound, is, Death. SO I can give this movie a bit of the pass when it pulls this because it fits perfectly within the aesthetic of the film.  The movie does well on a series of basic fronts, it keeps you scared, gives you a reason to be scared for the family, however it also sort of shows the director’s.. inexperience. As said, the movie aesthetic and design is wonderful and I loved my experience, but some parts of this film seemed obvious, including some of the most obvious and blatant foreshadowing that I’ve seen in a horror film that I keep expecting in every scene coming after it until it finally pops up. The opening scene of the movie, while incredibly powerful and well shot, suffers from the typical ‘why are kids in movies so fucking dumb’ cliché. This continues throughout the movie, though not majorly. The family has this sense that they have SO MUCH prepared, but they never created plans for what happens if the family gets split up, where to go and find one another should they get separated and it sort of confuses you. There are also some details of the aliens designs that leaves you confused, as in some situations they can hear EVERYTHING but in other scenes, the insulation of a single mattress appears to make the world of difference. The movie makes very few MAJOR mistakes, but rather a series of small ones that, if even for a moment, take you out of the immersion. Other times this happens, is whenever the children talk, and it’s not because it’s a bad thing for the script, but the children do a much better job acting when there’s no lines. That’s not me trying to insult them, but they become noticeably more.. fake, and artificial once the lines of dialogue come out and their mouths. Simply put, the physicality in their acting feels far superior to their voiced dialogues. Finally, the ending for the film feels almost disappointing outright, and so out of line for the rest of the film but I do suppose it has to fix all the issues that the movie presents in the film, otherwise you’re quite aware that this family is destined for death if the events don’t unfold the way they did. Sadly, some of it still feels a little Deus Ex Machina when it comes to finding a solution. The film does a LOT right and is definitely amazing at certain points, but at others I’m back to being entirely  I’m just watching a movie. So giving this movie a final grade, is REALLY, REALLY hard. I feel as if I’ve been giving way too many movies B rankings, and I haven’t really reviewed any Duds, no C’s, no D’s and no F’s, but that’s particularly because with my moviepass, I’ve still been trying to see well received movies over poorly received movies. In the end, I probably would have to give this film either a C+, or a B-. As a film in and of itself, it’s probably just a C+, it’s okay, it’s passable, but it’s far better when you compare it to other scary movies that have come out recently, but either way I would say it’s by no means a bad movie, and I enjoyed it for the most part in theater, but I also feel the movie wouldn’t have the same effect at home on a smaller television.