#adulthood and shit

[theoverboardgaygirl]

frfr

[pigdemonart]

Oops 😬

Just some thoughts after watching the movie heheh. Nothing here is a spoiler though! Its mostly just Bowser’s demeanor HAHA

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[andromeda3116]

look, i know everyone said that the new interview with the vampire show was incredible but holy shit i was not prepared for how incredible this show is

like, not only is louis interesting now, he is incredibly compelling! his once-bland internal dilemma is now given actual weight because it's not just the same old Thou Shalt Not Kill But I Am Hungry story, it's tempered through his righteous fury at how black people have been treated all these years, how many people have wronged him and laughed and expected him to laugh along, how his ties to the community that once saved him are now turning to nooses around his throat, how his family that he once provided for and relied on have now come to fear him

that, combined with his explicit homosexuality, and with lestat being the only one who seemed to accept him and love him for all that he is, and how that is both comforting and incredibly toxic and combined with sam reid's insane charisma and mania and gravity as lestat that make it completely understandable why louis would still be drawn to him in spite of everything

and how they've used the changes from the original to this one to examine how memory shifts regarding someone who was so intense and formative in your life even if they were ultimately so controlling and abusive but still left such huge gouges in your personality like knives

like

fuck

this is the best-written show i have seen in a long time like this is top-tier writing holy shit

[borderlinebelle]

🗣️🧠

Has anyone ever taken a stimulant for ADHD and it cured your manic mess but simultaneously erased your creative joyful childlike wonder at the world and your interest in the people you share it with?

💊

Am I cured or broken indefinitely to better suit “adulthood”?

🙃

As I wade through the vibrant and manic mess that was the BEFORE STIMULANTS and I look out onto the starkly dull and muted tones of the AFTERS STIMULANTS… the pendulum swings and I violently and obediently bend with it.

🫡

I can balance my budget now. Proficient in punctuality and productivity. Finishing work projects that used to take weeks? EASY. Calculating and efficient, I am almost unemotional as I smash through barriers that once kept me at a stand still for weeks.

🥇

The counter balance to these super abilities is glaring:

👀

1. I find it difficult to produce an ounce of creativity.

2. I am colder, more calculating.

3. I find empathy over other people’s emotions a far off tingle of familiarity I reach for and only brush.

4. I find even accessing my own emotions to be difficult.

5. I find little pleasure from completing tasks just a dull and far off ✅ that reminds me of pleasure but has none of the organic material.

6. I lack spark behind my eyes.

🗣️🧠

In conclusion, the video I filmed for today’s YOUTUBE launch felt… soulless and lacking. It felt disingenuous. I wasn’t talking to YOU, my mental health friends. I was just … talking.

😪

TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST: I’m unsure how to proceed with the channel, with my content… with my identity outside of MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL … I feel really really defeated if I’m honest. I’ve spent my entire adult life in survival mode and for the first time, on this new medication, I can see dozens of strategies to LEAVE SURVIVAL and CHASE AFTER THRIVE… but I didn’t think it would COST ME… my personality, my creativity, my identity.

🔎🤷🏽‍♀️

Idk but, I guess .. that’s the way with these things. Mental health, medication, stabilization…

🫥

Mental health isn’t “pretty and punctual” so said my producer tonight. It can ALSO be “imperfect and valuable”. Nothing is a perfect science, everyone is just doing their best I guess.

😮‍💨

Fighting your own brain 🧠 daily, hourly, weekly, monthly, yearly is exhausting work. I’m so deeply proud of everyone out there choosing to fight another day. I hope to continue being as brave and resilient as you all are.

🫣

It’s 12:00am. I’ve officially missed the “NEW VIDEO EVERY SUNDAY” standard I set for myself and I have to admit I’m taking it very poorly and I feel pretty defeated, but I had to come let the few who support my cross platform… that I’m sorry I couldn’t get there today.

🫀

Returning to YouTube after being run off by a parasocial making very real threats years ago, has been a delicious dream of mine for so long.

💭

I just deactivated both my Instagram and Facebook as they were both just reminding me of this missed deadline, of this empty channel, of what feels like a failure. In the age of comparison and competition, TO BE A HUMAN IS NOT EASY.

😬

So I’ll regroup, recoup, lean into coping mechanisms, touch base with my therapist + psychiatrist… and keep trying to find a way through.

💙

Thank you for your interest in my content.

🥸

I appreciate you deeply.

🫶🏽

I anticipate that this hopefully … won’t be the end.

🖊️ xoxo borderlinebelle

[despazito]

Idk I think if you're depicting any animal semi-seriously in media the least you can do for it is to try searching for some references in a natural setting. Especially in a medium like animation, referencing behavior is just as important as physiology. Sometimes the clearest photos of a species are in a very distressing context for the animal. Some people only know certain animals for how they look/behave under extreme stress. This is why I love camera trap footage so much as reference.

What I'm saying is if you're tasked with designing and animating an otter or a fox and your only videos referencing them in motion where captive pet videos I'm gonna be disappointed

You can tell when someone's put thought and effort into their depiction of a species, no amount of rigging or polygons can create believable animal behaviour*. Like to me the aristocats is a really cute movie because despite being anthropomorphized the kittens still behave like cute kittens!!

It's hard to find modern animation with great animal acting similar to Kahl's. It's either fully anthro movement or behaves like a dog, and I do think this oversaturation has some negative effects on our relationship with animals. Our society has become so based in narratives and stories and so many of our stories have misleading or fabricated beliefs about animals and how they behave

*except for that guy who made a program in C++ to simulate starling murmurations

[volatilevalentine]

Definitely both

[mindstriker]

ok so I post excessively about the wizard now but like hey: thesis statement

i find it telling that despite being a former arch-mage, and despite the whole mystra ordeal, and everything, the main "good old days" memories that gale has to share with the player are all from the distant past- mostly revolving around his childhood or time as a student. you'd think a man with his kind of experience and practice would have more interesting, more recent stories to tell, right? surely an arch-mage does interesting shit?

but he doesn't, and he didn't, because his life entirely and utterly revolved around mystra. his work? finding that piece of karsite weave to return to her, for a multitude of reasons. the overwhelming desire to prove himself to her. the want to be her equal. everything and anything else that possessed him to pursue that book. his relationships? what relationships? his friendship with Tara, or his relationship to mystra herself? there wasn't anything else, he tells you as much- no friends, no lingering names asides from elminster (another one of mystra's chosen) and just vague "coworkers". as far as we know there was literally nothing going on in this motherfuckers life asides from mystra-related stuff for who knows how long.

so instead of impressive tales of long-lost tomes he discovered, projects of his own that he dedicated time to, anything else you'd expect from a fucking insaneo-wizard who can make life-sized interactive illusions at the drop of a hat: you get nothing but a gaping hole of "this is when the accident happened" and the glimmer of a few good memories long before that time. some of the only stories from his life he seems genuinely excited and happy to tell are those childhood ones- ridiculous tales about how he summoned Tara in the first place, set shit on fire as a child, or tried to burgle an important staff as a student. those younger memories are like all he has to rely on dawg. there's nothing else there. there is literally nothing there.

[dont-offend-the-bees]

The thing about all the people* (*cishet dudes) in my actual real life who've tried to get me to read the sandman over the years is they always pushed how Cool it is. Look at these Cool concepts and Cool character designs, look how Edgy. And really they Fucked Up because if one, ONE of these people had thought to say to me "and the main guy is a pathetic loser emo drama queen who Sucks and also fucks himself over constantly" I would've been like "oh my god he's a pathetic loser emo drama queen who Sucks" and read this thing 15 years ago

[bunnygirllover45]

Some people have been asking me lately if I do commissions. Maybe next month I'll open some slots, I need to do some researching first, I'm not even sure how much my drawings should cost, I don't wanna overprice things accidentally. But I'm happy some of you are so interested in some art, it's very endearing to see.

[theoverboardgaygirl]

real real

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

[number1villainstan]

Akio doing his whole "and now I show you the Ends of the World" schtick except it's Candy Store from Heathers

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I literally feel so anxious it's making me feel like I'm gonna throw up

[orgismenh]

current situation ✨

[aeriondripflame]

wait so im new to asoiaf why do people hate jaehaerys ?

jaehaerys is the bogeyman to every woman he comes in contact with. i can’t speak for everyone when i say this is the reason (there is no shortage of hateworthy men in asoiaf… looking at you hoster tully) but for me the absolute rage i have for jaehaerys comes down to him being at the center of every targ girl’s downfall. rhaena was disinherited for him. he disinherits his own daughter on account of her sex saying well she’ll be the queen as if that is any real power in the world he sets out to create. he cages his own wife (his sister) in the prison of queenhood leaving her to quote unquote more womanly pursuits like i don’t know getting rid of first right and domestic abuse? not to mention him marrying off his very young daughters to old ass men over and over again. not to mention the saera debacle and it’s many implications for his relationship to his daughters. and then of course when he disinherited yet another woman through rhaenys (and his own firstborn son just because his heir was a woman).

[pillowprincessvarric]

Pondering trans Zoro.