#also I’m NOT made of money lol I’m trying to finish this masters degree and get top surgery but I keep having to postpone both

[transboysokka]

ok like I’m sorry but I DONT get how European/North American people (and I’m only talking about people with the financial means of course, and this also usually extends to people who consider themselves avid travelers) just skip Asia?? because it’s “too far”???? like bitch we have airplanes you can get anywhere in the world in 24 hours or less find a new excuse

[makeste]

BnHA 323: “I Don’t Know How to Explain to You That You Should Care About Other People”

Previously on BnHA: Kacchan was all, “Izuku, I’m sorry.” Bakugou Stans were all, “[sobs for a week straight and tearfully awards him the Nobel Prize for character development].” Deku was all, “[faints in Kacchan’s arms].” Iida was all, “[trying to decide if Ochako genuinely tried to kill him a few minutes ago].” Horikoshi was all, “NO TIME FOR HUGS WE MUST GET BACK TO UA.” The civilians holed up at U.A. were all, “WE TOOK A VOTE AND DECIDED THAT WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE JERKS ABOUT THIS AND MAKE A BIG FUSS ABOUT YOU LETTING DEKU BACK INTO THE SCHOOL.” Deku was all “[stands there looking like he expected nothing less and breaking my heart more and more with each passing moment].” Ochako was all, “that does it, looks like I’m gonna have to do something about this... next chapter, that is.”

Today on BnHA: Flashback!Rat Principal is all “I just want you all to know that I spent nine million dollars turning U.A. into a giant Battleship-style grid that can burrow underground and zoom around in a giant subway maze because Horikoshi lacks a grounded understanding of both civil engineering and economics.” Back in the present day, Jeanist is all, “EVERYONE TAKE HEED, MY COMRADES AND I HAVE DEEMED IT EXPEDIENT TO CONVEY THIS AUSPICIOUS YOUTH BACK TO THIS STRONGHOLD. WE ANTICIPATE THAT WE MAY DEPEND UPON YOUR GOODWILL AND ACQUIESCENCE TO THESE TERMS.” The civilians were all, “NO.” Ochako was all, “EMPATHY, MOTHERFUCKERS, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!” The civilians were all, “oh shit.” Anyway so Ochako is a giant badass, but I’m a little worried that she’s going to get struck by lightning. Please come down from there.

so before we start this chapter, I would just like to apologize for having not posted the ch 321 recap yet, and would like to reassure everyone, and especially Iida who is staring at me with Sad Wobbly Guilt Trip Eyes, that I will get to that as soon as I can

OMG FLASHBACK??

yes please Horikoshi please show us more of class 1-A and their Deku intervention strategy jam sessions

oh dear

Iida you are too pure and good for this cruel world. [sprays the U.A. civilians with a water bottle] NO. BAD CIVILIANS! NO OSTRACIZING SCARED AND EXHAUSTED CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE

EXCUSE ME RAT PRINCIPAL WHAT’S WITH THESE MIXED MESSAGES

???

RAT PRINCIPAL: he’s free to return to us at any time!!

ALSO RAT PRINCIPAL: but it’s too risky for him to return to us

?? ??????? ?????????????????????

so now he’s going on about how strong the U.A. Barrier is, and how it’s comparable to the defensive capabilities of Tartarus. this would have sounded a lot more impressive before chapter 297 lol

OH!!!! HELLO, WHAT’S THIS!!!

A TIMELY CALLBACK TO A CERTAIN MYSTERIOUS EVENT WHICH HASN’T BEEN REFERENCED SINCE USJ? [U.A. TRAITOR MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

so now Rat Principal says he upgraded U.A.’s security systems with his own “modifications”, whatever the fuck that means. I mean look, I’ve been saying for a long time now that U.A. is the best place for everyone to hole up, don’t get me wrong. but that was mostly on account of there not being any other practical alternatives. but you’re making it sound like you figured out a way to actually make it Decay-proof or some wild shit like that

-- hold up, DID YOU ADD A FORCE FIELD. DID YOU TRICK THIS SCHOOL OUT WAKANDA-STYLE YOU CRAZY MARSUPIAL. HOLY SHIT. because that would actually be perfect

LMAO

WHAT KIND OF GALAXY BRAIN BULLSHIT. “NAH THERE’S NO NEED FOR A FORCE FIELD, LET’S JUST PUT WHEELS ON IT”

oh okay so the whole campus is basically capable of burrowing itself underground. that’s insane lol I wonder how they pulled that off. probably got poor Cementoss working overtime

blah blah blah so basically the entire campus is split into a grid and each section of the grid is capable of its own independent movement. lol this is just the Merone Base from KHR. you thought no one would notice this casual plagiarism ten years after the fact, but YOU UNDERESTIMATED YOUR AUDIENCE, HORIKOSHI

“joke’s on you imma just lampshade it” WELL ALL RIGHT THEN

“look at me I’m so fucking self-aware” fucking swear to god. I can’t believe this man is my favorite mangaka of all time smdh

“excuse me, I wasn’t finished describing all the rest of this bullshit yet,” Rat Principal breaks in impatiently. “we also added a steel wall all around the underground of the campus that’s 3000 steel plates thick. that’s fifteen fucking meters of solid fucking steel just fyi. and if anyone fucks around with any part of it the defense system will activate immediately! and also all of the plates are independently motorized, whatever the fuck that means!! in conclusion you’re gonna need a fucking tower crane to suspend all of your disbelief by the time I’m through with this paragraph”

“also Shiketsu is almost as reinforced as U.A. but not quite because we still had to make sure we were better.” but of course. and apparently the two schools are connected via a secret tunnel as Hagakure mentioned earlier

LSDKFJLSDKJFLK

“WAIT WHAT” LMAO YOU HEARD HIM, NOW INASA CAN VISIT YOU BOTH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE WEIRD DREAM HE HAD. GOD BLESS YOU HORIKOSHI

(ETA: moment of appreciation for Shouto and Katsuki having the same thought at the same time and making Knowing Eye Contact and saying the exact same thing out loud in perfect unison like the best friends they are. what a blessed day.)

so Tokoyami is all “but wait if you engineered all this shit all the way back during the Band arc how did you even know that Tomura’s quirk awakening would become a thing, Horikoshi -- uh, I mean, Principal Nezu”

and Rat Principal is all “lol idk”

“basically I just woke up one morning and was all ‘say, you know what this school really needs? a fifteen-meter-thick underground steel wall, and the ability to break up into little pieces that individually zoom around wherever the fuck they want.’ jesus christ. lol if money and common sense were apparently no obstacle why didn’t you just teleport U.A. to the fucking moon or something. maybe I should shut up before I given him any ideas

dsfaelkjldkjgl

you heard it here first, folks, all of this cost a grand total of nine million U.S. dollars. well technically it cost “more than” nine million dollars. never has that distinction been more important lmao. are we sure this barrier was really made of steel and not cardboard? who the hell sold it to them, Ea-Nasir??

this is my favorite manga series of all time. yes I am ashamed

“in conclusion please do your best to reach Deku-kun” SO WHAT WAS ALL THAT NONSENSE ABOUT IT BEING TOO RISKY THEN. anyway thank you for this super informative and edifying flashback, Horikoshi. I will cherish it always. I don’t even want to read another translation of this absurdity lmao, there’s something special about it just the way it is. pretty sure Horikoshi just had a cracked out fever dream one night and transferred it to the pages of the manga verbatim

anyway so back to the unruly mob

not their finest moment. please excuse me while I cover poor Deku’s ears and give him a good shoosh pap

oh wow the parents are out here too

is Mitsuki trying to hold Inko back?? that’s the last thing this fandom needs right now is more Mitsuki discourse fffwlkjs. and even Jiroudad, scientifically proven to be the best dad in all of BnHA, is just standing there silently looking vaguely unhappy. way to rise to the moment you guys

MONOMA

so this settles it for me that Aizawa is not at UA. I know a lot of people have been wondering about his whereabouts, and if I had to wager a guess it would be that something happened with Shirakumo/Kurogiri. I can’t think of anything else -- even the loss of an eye and a limb -- that would keep him from his kids at a time like this

anyway but this is excellent Monoma content right here though. I love that he apparently adopted Eri after a single interaction with her. also WHERE IS SHINSOU DAMMIT. THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW

and Kouta’s there too looking like he wants to run over to Deku but Ragdoll won’t let him :/

it’s gotta be pretty upsetting for him to see his hero like this and not having anyone stand up for him. [taps megaphone] IS THIS THING ON. OKAY YEAH IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING. AHEM. PAGING URARAKA OCHAKO. GONNA NEED YOU TO GET OVER HERE ALREADY AND MAKE THAT BIG DRAMATIC SPEECH WHICH YOU ARE CLEARLY DYING TO MAKE. IF YOU DON’T DO IT SOON I’M GONNA HAVE TO STEP IN, AND YOU REALLY DON’T WANT ME TO DO THAT SINCE MY SPEECH WILL NOT BE VERY GOOD OR INSPIRING, AND WILL PROBABLY JUST CONSIST OF “HELLO, YOU ARE ALL STUPID, PLEASE SHUT UP AND GO AWAY”

so now Mic is telling them to calm down. at least someone’s speaking up here, geez

OH MY GOD

MY MAN JEANIST OUT HERE DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST: MAKING EVERYONE FEEL GUILTY AND JUDGED

OH MY GOD HE IS GIVING SUCH A LONG AND BORING SPEECH LMAO IS YOUR STRATEGY TO PUT THEM ALL TO SLEEP OR WHAT

truly in awe of this man’s ability to take messages which could easily be conveyed in ELI5-speak, and stubbornly convert them into incomprehensible language the likes of which you need a graduate degree in order to understand

“hey guys, so originally our plan was to use Deku as bait for the villains, but that didn’t really work and also we realized it was kinda dumb and was probably gonna get him killed, so we brought him back here instead.” was that really so hard, Jeanist. also are we all really just gonna sit back here and watch Jeanist take full credit for Bakugou’s plan just like that lmao

(ETA:

WHERE DID ENDEAVOR GO AND WHO IS THIS DIABOLICAL MASTER OF DISGUISE. lol I genuinely didn’t notice this because I was too busy digging through thesauruses trying to rewrite Jeanist’s speech; many thanks to @class1akids​ for pointing it out and making my day immeasurably better. take it easy there Dick Tracy.)

“anyway so please stop being dicks and let him fucking rest so he can save all your ungrateful asses” what an impassioned and inspiring plea. time to see if the masses will listen to reason

narrator: they did not listen to reason

oh my god finally Ochako is doing something. YEAH OCHAKO WOOOO SHOW THEM HOW IT’S DONE

hmm

this entire chapter is truly and utterly nonsensical to me lol

(ETA: on my second readthrough I’m fucking dying at how she stole the megaphone right out of Mic’s hand lmao. and how Kacchan is all “fuck yeah nothing I appreciate more than some quality fucking larceny.”)

oh I see she was jumping on top of the main building so as to scream down at them all more impressively

“ANYWAY DEKU IS PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY, YOU GUYS ARE JUST MEAN” couldn’t have said it better myself Ochako

lol uh

gotta say I did not have “Ochako reveals the secret of OFA to the entire U.A. Citizen Clown Parade” on my bingo card for this week. it’s a bold strategy cotton let’s see if it pays off

SDLFKJSL

“NO, SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU LOOKED AT HIM YOU GUYS. YOU THINK HE LIKES RUNNING AROUND DRESSED LIKE A RUSTED OIL DRUM?? HE DID THAT FOR YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL SLOBS”

so she is basically explaining the entire Deku Angst arc to them and explaining what a good and selfless protagonist Deku is, YES, PREACH

OMG IT’S THE GIGANTIC FOX LADY

not to insinuate anything, but what exactly were you doing standing out here with the hysterical mob, Gigantic Fox Lady? you’re better than that

-- KACCHAN SIGHTING!!

sdlkfjl. thanks for weighing in with that helpful and important observation. where have you been for the last five minutes. were you asleep. was it Jeanist’s speech

never mind, now he’s yelling at the civilians so I instantly forgive him

THE FUTURE NUMBER ONE HERO, EVERYONE. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. HE’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK

“anyway so I’m just going to end the chapter here” lmao seventeen pages truly do go by so fast. at least he didn’t try to force in a cliffhanger at the end this time. dare I say, growth

so I guess the civilians are either gonna have a Kamino and/or Fukuoka-esque moment where they remember how to be decent people and apologize to this poor young man, or else they’ll remain unpersuaded, and so Kacchan will have to knock a few of their heads around until they become more inclined to be reasonable. either option is fine by me lol

[janecrockeyre]

scum villain is a greek tragedy disguised as a regular tragedy disguised as a comedy disguised as a danmei

this is going to be long, and this is only PART ONE.

a.k.a, Analysing the plot of Scum Villain’s Self Saving System through Aristotle’s Poetics, because I Have Mental Issues

Part One: Introduction and the Tragic Hero

Scum Villain’s Self Saving System is a tragedy disguised as a comedy, unless you’re Shen Yuan, in which case it’s a mixture of a romance and a survival horror. It's a fever dream. It's a horrible, terrible book that made me feel new undiscovered emotions when I finished reading it. 

The thing is... SVSSS shares characteristics with some of the most famous tragedies in the West, such as Oedipus Rex, Medea, Antigone, the Oresteia... if you haven’t read these, I’ll explain everything. But the gist of my argument is this: SVSSS is the perfect tragedy. In triplicate. 

Tragedy as a genre is old as balls and so it has meant slightly different things to different people over the last few thousand years. I'll be focusing on ancient Greek tragedy, which was performed at the yearly Festival of Dionysus in Athens during the 500-350s BC (give or take a hundred years). Aristotle, when writing about this very specific subset of tragedy, had no idea that one day Scum Villain would be written, and then that I would be using his work as a way to look at Shen Qingqiu’s Funky Transmigration Mistake. Anyway!

Greek tragedy greatly influenced European dramatic tradition. I have a lot of opinions about white academics idolising and upholding the classics as the "paragon of culture" but I'll withhold them for now. I have no idea if MXTX has read Greek tragedy or not, so don't take this as me saying they are writing it. 

In my opinion, tragedy is a universal human constant. We are surrounded by pain and hurt and none of it makes any sense, so we seek to process that pain through drama, art, literature, etc. We want to understand why pain happens, and how it happens, and try to make sense of the senseless. The universe is cold and cruel and random. Tragedy eases some of that pain. 

On that note: Just because I am analysing Scum Villain through a Greek lens doesn't mean that it was written that way. I'm pasting an interpretation onto the book when there's probably a very rich and deep history of Chinese tragedy that I just don't know about. If you ever want to talk about that, please, god, hit me up, I would love to learn about it!! 

Anyway, tragedy. MXTX is excellent at it! Mo Dao Zu Shi? Painful dynastic family tragedy. Heaven Official's Blessing? Mostly romance, but she managed to get that pure pain in there, huh? 

But in my opinion, Scum Villain holds the crown for the most tragic of her stories. MDZS was more of a mystery. TGCF was more of a romance. Neither of them shy away from their tragic elements. 

Scum Villain would fit right in between the work of Sophocles, Euripides and Aeschylus. How? Let me show you. Join me on my mystery tour into the world of "Aristotle Analyses Danmei..."

Part One: The Tragic Hero

What is a tragic hero? Generally, Greek tragic heroes are united by the same key characteristics. He must be imperfect, having a "fatal flaw" of some kind. He must have something to lose. And he must go from fortune to misfortune thanks to that fatal flaw. 

There are two (technically three) tragic protagonists in SVSSS and all of them are tragic in different but formulaic ways. Each protagonist has their own version of “hamartia” or a “fatal flaw”. 

Actually, hamartia isn’t necessarily a flaw - rather, it is a thing which makes the audience pity and fear for them, a careful imperfection, a point of weakness in the character’s morality or reasoning that allows for bad things to happen to them. For example, in Oedipus Rex, the king Oedipus has a “fatal flaw” of always wanting to find the truth, but this isn’t exactly a flaw, right? Note: this flaw can be completely unwitting, as we see with Shen Yuan. It can also be something that the protagonist is born with, some kind of trait from birth or very young. 

Shen Yuan

Shen Yuan’s “hamartia” is his rigid adherence to fate and his inability to read a situation as anything but how he thinks it ought to be. He believes that Bingmei will grow into Bingge, and it takes several years, two deaths, and some truly traumatising sex to convince him otherwise. 

Shen Jiu

Shen Jiu’s fatal flaw is his cruelty. It is his own sadistic treatment and abuse of Binghe which directly leads to his eventual dismemberment. This is kind of a no-brainer. Of course, it isn't all that simple, and as an audience we pity him for his cruelty as much as we fear it because we know it comes from his own abuse as a child. This just makes him even more tragic. Delicious. 

Luo Binghe

Luo Binghe’s fatal flaw is a complicated mix of things. It is his position as the “protagonist” which compels him to act in certain ways and be forced to suffer. It is his half-demonic heritage, something entirely out of his control, which sets in motion his tragic reversal of fortune when he gets yeeted into the Abyss. He also, much like Shen Yuan, has the propensity to jump to conclusions and somehow make 2 + 2 = 5. 

As well as having their respective “flaws”, all three protagonists match the rough outline of a good tragic hero in another way: they are in a position of great wealth and power. Even when you split the different characters into different “versions”, this still holds true. Yes, Luo Binghe is raised a commoner by a washerwoman foster mother, but his dad is an emperor and he also ends up becoming an emperor himself. 

Yes, Shen Jiu is an ex-slave and a victim of abuse himself, but Shen Qingqiu is a powerful peak lord with an entire mountain’s worth of resources at his back. 

Shen Yuan is a second generation new money rich kid. 

Bingge is a stereotypical protagonist with a golden finger. Bingmei is a treasured and loved disciple with a good reputation and a privileged seat by his shizun’s side. 

In a tragedy, having this kind of good fortune at the beginning of your story is dangerous. Chaucer says that tragedy is (badly translated into modern english) “a certain story / of him that stood in great prosperity / and falls out of high degree / into misery, and ends up wretchedly”. If we follow this line of thinking, a good tragedy is about someone who has a lot to lose, losing everything because of one fatal point of weakness that they fail to address or understand. 

If we look at Shakespeare, this is what makes King Lear such a fantastic tragic protagonist. He is a king in control of most of England, who from his own lack of wisdom and excess of pride, decides to split his kingdom apart to give to his daughters, favouring his murderous, double crossing progeny, and condemning his only actually filial daughter to death. He loses his kingdom, his mind, and his beloved daughter, all because of his own stupidity.

This brings us to:

Part Two: Peripeteia

This reversal of fortunes is called peripeteia. It is the moment where the entire plot shifts, and the hero’s fortunes go from good to bad. Think of it like one of those magic eye puzzles, where you stare at the image until a 3D shark appears, except you realise the shark was always there, you just couldn't ever see it, waiting for you, hungry, deadly, always lurking just behind that delightful pattern of random blue squiggles. 

Each tragic hero has their own moment of peripeteia in SVSSS, sometimes several:

Shen Qingqiu

In the original PIDW, SQQ’s peripeteia presumably occurs when he finds out that Bingge didn’t perish in the Abyss but has actually been training hard to come and pay him back. There’s really not much I’m interested in saying here - as a villain, OG!SQQ is cut and dry, and the audience doesn’t really feel any pity or fear for him. As Shen Yuan often mentions, what the audience feels when they see OG!SQQ is bloodlust and sick satisfaction. There is also the trial at Huan Hua Palace, which I will talk about in Shen Yuan’s section. 

Shen Yuan (SQQ 2.0)

One of SY’s most poggers moment of peripeteia is the glorious, terrifying section between hearing Binghe for the first time after the Abyss moment, and getting shoved into the Water Prison. 

“Behind him, a low and soft voice came: “Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu’s neck felt stiff as he slowly turned his head. Luo Binghe’s face was the most frightening thing he had ever seen.

The scariest thing about it was that the expression on his face was not cold at all. His smile wasn’t sharp like a knife. Rather, it showed a kind of bone-deep gentleness and amiability.”

This is the moment of true horror for Shen Yuan, because he knows what happens next: the plot unfurls before him, inevitable and painful, and he knows that death awaits him at Luo Binghe's hands (lol). Compare it with the bone deep certainty with which he faces his own downfall during the sham of a trial later in the chapter (I’ve bolded the important part):

“In the original work, Qiu Haitang’s appearance signified only one thing: Shen Qingqiu’s complete fall from grace. [...] Shen Qingqiu’s heart streamed with tears. Great Master… I know you’re doing this for my own good, but I’ll actually suffer if she speaks her words clearly. This truly is the saying “not frightened of doing a shameful deed, just afraid the ghost (consequences) will come knocking”!”

After the peripeteia is usually the denouement where the plot wraps up and the threads are all tied together leaving no loose ends, but because this tragedy isn’t Shen Yuan’s but the former Shen Jiu’s, it’s impossible to finish. 

Shen Yuan cannot provide the meaningful answers that the narrative demands because 1) he doesn’t have any memory of doing anything, and 2) he wasn’t the person who did them. Narratively, he cannot follow the same path as the former SQQ because he lacks the same fatal flaw: cruelty. 

This is why Binghe doesn’t kill him - because he loves him, rather than despises him. And this is why Shen Yuan has to sacrifice himself and die for Luo Binghe in order to save him from Xin Mo: because the narrative demands that denouement follows peripeteia, and SQQ’s fate is in the hands of the narrative. 

(Side note: I believe that this literal death also represents the death of OG!SQQ's tragic arc. The body that committed all those crimes must die to satisfy the narrative. SQQ must die, like burning down a forest, so that new growth can sprout from the ashes. After this, Shen Yuan's story has more room to develop instead.)

It must happen to show Bingmei that SQQ loves him too. And this brings us to Bingmei.

Bingmei

Bingmei has two succinct moments of utter downfall. The first is a literal fall - his flaw, his demonic heritage, leads his beloved shizun to throw him down into the Abyss. From his point of view, SQQ is punishing him simply for the status of his birth. He rapidly goes from being loved and cherished unconditionally, to being the victim of an assassination attempt. 

He realises that he is totally unlovable: that for the crimes of his species that he never had a hand in, he must pay the price as well: that his shizun is so righteous that no matter what love there was between them, if SQQ sees a demon, he will kill it. Even if that demon is Bingmei. 

The second moment is when SQQ dies for him. Again, from his point of view, he was chasing after a man who was struggling to see him as a human being. Shen Qingqiu’s death makes Bingmei realise that he has been completely misunderstanding his shizun: that SQQ would literally die for him, the ultimate act of self sacrifice from love: that SQQ loved him despite his demon heritage. 

Much like King Lear holding the corpse of his daughter and wailing in sheer grief and pain because he did this, he caused this, Bingmei gets to hold his shizun's cold body and cry his eyes out and know that it was his fault. (Kind of.)

(Yes, I’m bringing Shakespeare into this, no I am not justifying myself)

Maybe I'm a bit sadistic, but that scene slaps. Let me show you a comparison of scenes so you get the picture. 

Re-enter KING LEAR, with CORDELIA dead in his arms; EDGAR, Captain, and others following

KING LEAR

Howl, howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stones:

Had I your tongues and eyes, I'ld use them so

That heaven's vault should crack. She's gone for ever!

I know when one is dead, and when one lives;

She's dead as earth. Lend me a looking-glass;

If that her breath will mist or stain the stone,

Why, then she lives.

[...]

 KING LEAR

And my poor fool is hang'd! No, no, no life!

Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,

And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,

Never, never, never, never, never!

Pray you, undo this button: thank you, sir.

Do you see this? Look on her, look, her lips,

Look there, look there!

Dies

Versus this scene in SVSSS: 

Luo Binghe turned a deaf ear to everything else, greatly agitated and at a loss of what to do. He was still holding Shen Qingqiu’s body, which was rapidly cooling down. It seemed like he wanted to call for him loudly and forcefully shake him awake, yet he didn’t dare to, as if he was afraid of being scolded. He said slowly, “Shizun?”

[...]

Luo Binghe involuntarily held Shen Qingqiu closer.

He said in a small voice, “I was wrong, Shizun, I really… know that I was wrong.

“I… I didn’t want to kill you…”

PAIN. SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL PAIN. Yes, I know Shakespeare isn’t Athenian, but he was inspired by the good old stuff and he also knew how to write a perfect tragedy on his own terms. Anyway. I’ll find more Greek examples later.

This post was a bit all over the place, but I hope it has been fun to read. Part Two will be coming At Some Point, Who Knows When. This is a bit messy and unedited, but hey, I’m not getting paid or graded, so you can eat any typos or errors. Unless you’re here to talk to me about Chinese tragedy, in which case, please pull up a seat, let me get you a drink, make yourself at home.

ps: if you want to retweet this, here is the promo tweet!

[ssvgawara]

Haikyuu boys and some oddly specific crime they’d commit

a/n: I come back and the first thing I write is a shitpost!! enjoy </3 tw for drugs, murder, alcohol and general crime committing xoxo

Karasuno

Daichi- he’s a cop sorry that’s all there is to it man

Suga- Suga has multiple charges of 1st-degree murder against him but they can’t seem to find his identity so he continues committing murder and will continue until he gets caught or ends up murdering enough people to be put in a position of power

Asahi- everyone is probably like “Oh Asahi is innocent” NO. He has learned that his slightly scary face will let him get away with a lot, he is buying alcohol illegally because he looks old enough to, and he’s buying so much other shit and just getting away with it

Nishinoya- This man gives fucking pimp vibes I can just see him in the big leopard print fur coat with a pretty girl in his lap and he calls himself big poppa but no one else will

Tanaka- Drug dealer vibes, probably runs an entire fucking drug ring with his sister and not just a Lil weed these mfkas have the hard shit too like you could probably buy meth from them, he’s not using it but it’s good business

Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita- They literally rob a bank they have an entire scheme and get away with multiple bank robberies and this goes on for MONTHS

Kageyama- We know he’s volleyball smart but otherwise he’s so mfing stupid and I love him for it but he is a chronic shoplifter. Just picks something up and takes it, has walked out of a store without paying for an entire bed set once and got away with it somehow so idk props to him

Hinata- He is the little guy in any heist situation, he fits anywhere so he can sneak in and out the best, he gave himself the stupid ass code name tiny giant but everyone goes with it because somehow he is the best

Tsukishima- armed robbery, but he doesn’t have a gun just a knife like he’s tall and as an attitude, a knife will get him whatever he needs he doesn’t need the gun

Yamaguchi- He runs a catfishing scheme where he pretends to be a naive girl, scams old men out of their money, and then ghosts them and I think it’s what he deserves let him carry on especially because no one would believe it’s him. Also not really like a crime crime but still a crime in a way

Kiyoko- She kills men and I know it, Queen Kiyoko ending the patriarchy one shitty man at a time like she only kills men who deserve it bc some have rights.

Yachi- She’s too anxious to commit an in-person crime so she does a lot of cybercrime, hacking government databases and releasing info to the people, truly the anonymous we deserve

Saeko- She’s running that drug ring with Tanaka, and she loves it because there’s a thrill to it even though yknow she’s dealing literal meth but like its fine plus she loves rocking people’s shit when they get too handsy, which bring me to my next point underground MMA Saeko, like the illegal one with no rules yeah <3

Ukai- this man probably sells all kinda shit to minors that he shouldn’t he is so unbothered a 7-year-old could probably walk in ask for a pack of camels and get them and leave before he noticed what was going on.

Takeda- Did y’all see how scared Hinata was when Takeda gave him that lecture? This dude could kidnap someone and scare them into giving all the information he needed, a legend truly

Aoba Johsai

Oikawa- took steroids one time. And of course in sports, that’s not allowed. But he only did it once and regretted it for months afterward. Never told anyone and was just relieved he didn’t have to piss in a cup and have someone find out.

Matsukawa- Without hesitation, I know this man takes dead people’s bones and sells them on the internet. Has dubbed himself the bone man and he feels so much power when someone buys a femur or sumn. It’s kinda funny honestly he has a hoard of bones to sell, his fave is the pelvis.

Hanamaki- He’s in between jobs because he stole money from his last job, like he said he was sorry he just needed a little extra for gas but was sad to find out that’s a literal crime and he was laundering money.

Iwaizumi- he’s a street racer, like the fast and furious style and it’s so sexy of him like late-night races ugh to be in an expensive fast car with him where he has one hand on my thigh okay that’s enough of that.

Kunimi- Look me in the eye and tell me he does not do drugs. He does and if you don’t believe me you are wrong and I will fight you on this one. 

Kyotani- If there is a crime he will commit it for fun. Like he will do it with no hesitation. He has a record longer than twilight and I’m not sure how he is not in prison actually nvm he escaped and is  a wanted criminal lol

Shiritorizawa

Ushijima- Assault, he just reeks of getting into bar fights when he’s absolutely wasted. Like he most likely didn’t start it but he will be finishing it

Tendou- grave robbing, he just goes into the cemetery picked the oldest plots, and gets to digging. Has made thousands on dead people jewelry and probably won’t get caught, like besides the groundskeeper there’s no security he will never stop.

Semi- he breaks copyright laws on the daily. He’s sampling music in his all the time but he’s doing it so sneakily it’s fine its what deserves stream his band on Spotify right now,

Shirabu- His bangs are criminal enough. No, but he has stolen drugs from the hospital before he just wanted to try the Xanax, and yeah he could just write himself a prescription for it nut like it’s so easy to just go get some and no report it so that’s what he did.

Goshiki- y’all want me to say arson don’t you?? Fine. He commits arson multiple times and kills 7 people with fire before getting arrested and he doesn’t even feel bad so in prison he probably fucking runs a gang he is crazy.

Nekoma

Kuroo- he is a capitalist and class traitor and that’s crime enough I don’t care is he’s attractive or rich, He commits crimes daily by just existing but I still love him anyway.

Kai- Could not commit a crime he just wants to garden and live his life. Jk there’s at minimum one body in that garden let him kill a man he deserves it just let him have one dead body

Yaku- he keyed someone’s car once just because they pissed him off. Was it kuroo? Yes. But that’s fine because he also keyed Lev’s car but blamed lev for keying kuroo’s and Kuroo for keying Lev’s. He just wants to watch the world burn.

Kenma- cyberbullying but man he is mean. Like no bars held we will dig into every insecurity he can and that shit hurts and he doesn’t even feel bad about it he will just be as mean as he can if you’re not careful

Lev- his crime is being tall and dumb also doesn’t understand the economy and prints counterfeit money because why can’t we print more money? The government should get on that.

Inuoka- He released all the animals from a zoo, like snuck in one night and just let them all free, I’m surprised the tiger didn’t eat him but hey the animals are free, there’s still some missing uh oh he’s very proud of himself for it. After the rush, he starts sneaking into shelters and freeing all the dogs and cats

Yamamoto and Fukunaga- Have egged a house before, it was Kuroo’s he deserves all this bullying and you can’t stop me.

Date Tech

Aone- Criminal Conspiracy, sure he had an entire foolproof plan to get away with the perfect crime but someone found out, and now his plans are ruined, damn </3 and no one ever suspects the quiet guy either.

Futakuchi- Having a prostitute, he just wanted some company like mans is lonely so he paid a girl to just spend a Lil time with him it’s all good.

Fukurodani

Bokuto- I know we all haha funny laugh at tax evader bokuto and sure maybe he evades his taxes but he’s also committed vehicular manslaughter, he cannot drive and has killed someone with his car maybe even multiple someones but he always drives off in a panic because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Akaashi- Hasn’t actively committed a crime but has been an accomplice in every vehicular manslaughter Bokuto has committed why the fuck does he keep letting bokuto drive? He really needs to stop that.

Konoha- A master scammer he is so convincing everyone gives him money even if they’re a little sus because he’s just that good each scheme is so convincing.

Inarizaki

Kita- He grows weed, you can’t tell me those rice fields are just for rice he’s got all this space he is growing marijuana and selling it, let him do it I want him to be my plug.

Atsumu- "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

Osamu- resisting arrest. He just said no and ran. Granted he shouldn’t have punched the cop in the first place to have to be arrested but like that’s not the point here.

Aran- accidental child abandonment, like he just forgot he was babysitting and left the kid alone for like a day. He felt terrible but he still forgot the kid and now is fearful of parenthood

Suna- owns an illegal weapon, like he just never registered it and keeps it around and would use it if needed Suna please just point the weapon at me maybe

Others

Terushima- Graffiti, he loves painting on the walls of buildings and tagging them, has so much spraypaint and his day isn’t complete if he doesn’t tag at least one building or train car.

Daishou- Public intoxication- he got a little too fucked up and stripped on the street he will forever have to live with everyone knowing he has an ass tattoo like damn bruh

Sakusa- Perjury he simply wanted to get out of court so he said some shit so he could leave granted he lied under oath but whatever, did they ever find out? No, so he’s fine and he’d do it again if it meant he could leave faster. Like sure he was a witness to a murder but bruh he pretends he does not see.

Hoshihumi- driving without a license he simply thought you didn’t need one because why do you need a piece of plastic to say you can drive a car like??? Just know how to drive it.

[ggukcangetit]

Tomorrow: Jungkook x Reader

**

Pairing: Jungkook x reader

Genre: Fluff. Grad student au!; grad student! jungkook; grad student! reader; grad student! bts

Word count: 4.6k

Warnings: Suggestive language, mild kissing. Not much else really.

Summary: At the beginning of your third year of your PhD program, you didn’t expect many changes. Until the new PhD cohort started classes, and Jeon Jungkook became part of your group of friends.

A/N: i just wrote this randomly with zero plot in mind. idk what this ended up becoming but read it and lemme know if you like it? 

“Choi is a madwoman. I swear she makes me do so many lit reviews just to see me suffer.” Park Jimin, 2nd year PhD student, works part time at HopeWorld dance studio, and is currently regretting many of his life choices.

“I told you not to say yes to every single project that came your way.” Min Yoongi, 4th year PhD student, weekend DJ at Club Moonlight, recipient of the university’s most prestigious research grant, currently lives in a posh apartment four streets away from the main research lab.

“We’re older. Which means we have more experience. Which means we tend to be right more often.” Kim Seokjin, another 4th year PhD student, enrolled into the PhD program after realising that the completion of his MBA meant he would have to join the family business, amateur chef with professional sass, and sole reason behind Min Yoongi being able to afford living in a posh apartment four streets away from the main research lab.

“Not when you bet Tae he couldn’t finish grading Kang’s first year Intro class papers in 24 hours.” Jung Hoseok, 3rd year PhD student, simultaneously working on a second Master’s degree, also happens to run HopeWorld dance studio during his oodles of free time.

“Speaking of, weren’t you supposed to treat us if you lost the bet, Seokjin?” Kim Namjoon, 3rd year PhD student, plant dad, head of the graduate student council, and all-around overachiever.

“Tae was supposed to choose the place. Did you decide on which exorbitantly expensive restaurant Seokjin is going to take us to, Tae?” Y/L/N Y/N, 3rd year PhD student, roommates with Namjoon and Hoseok, addicted to bubble tea.

“I have a better plan. The incoming first year PhDs are supposed to have their orientation tomorrow. I think Seokjin should organise a mixer to welcome them.” Kim Taehyung, aforementioned ‘Tae’, 2nd year PhD student, works part time at the local art gallery, roommates with Park Jimin, deceptively fast at grading papers.

“I do not remember agreeing to that,” said Seokjin, with a frown, shutting his laptop with a definitive snap.

“Come on, it’s not like you can’t afford it,” Yoongi remarked, not having looked up from the large stack of papers in front of him. “If you can insist on paying 3/4ths of the ridiculously high rent of our apartment even though we could have moved into the perfectly reasonable priced place 20 minutes away from the lab, you can damn well afford to host a mixer for the incoming cohort.”

“20 minutes by car. It takes 45 minutes to walk there, Yoongi. Or do I need to remind you of the fact that only Y/N and Sooyoung own cars in our department?” scoffed Seokjin.

“Do I hear trouble in paradise? Have Yoongi and Seokjin finally had their first fight after years of marital bliss?” Lim Sooyoung, 4th year PhD student, part-time yoga instructor, full-time reluctant designated driver due to being the only other PhD student in the department with a car. 

“Hilarious,” grumbled Seokjin. “That joke is about as old as the milk carton at the bottom of Namjoon’s fridge.”

“That’s still there?” asked Hoseok, scandalised. “You told me you threw that out 4 months ago!”

“It’s a limited edition Blue Bean milk carton! I couldn’t throw it out, Hobi,” replied Namjoon, sheepishly. The use of Hoseok’s nickname meant that he had run out of logical arguments against throwing out the milk carton that had been purchased three months into their first year of doctoral studies. 

“Have you ever considered emptying out the contents and keeping just the carton?” you asked. This suggestion was met with the raising of an eyebrow and the throwing of an airpod by Namjoon. Unfortunately, this also meant that the airpod didn’t reach its intended target.

“Ow!” exclaimed Hoseok, rubbing the side of his face where the airpod had made contact. “This is why you’ve been through 33 pairs of airpods in the last year, Namjoon! You have dormant violent tendencies and terrible hand-eye coordination.”

“Now back to that mixer,” said Taehyung, turning towards Seokjin. “I’m thinking around 5 pm at the Underground should be good. What do you think?”

“Fine,” sighed Seokjin, reluctantly. “I’ll send a message on Slack. Who’s got the first years’ contact info?”

xxx

The next day, you found yourself struggling to find parking outside the Underground, despite it being 4.30 pm on a Tuesday. Namjoon and Hoseok were sitting at the back and discussing ways in which they could watch as many of the student films that were being shown over the weekend, while Taehyung sat shotgun and muttered to himself as he tried to destroy some kind of adversary on that godforsaken game that he always seemed to play. You whipped out your phone and started texting Sooyoung about whether she had found any parking.

SY: just parked… sending you the location… its behind the club

SY: is seokjin with you

Y/N: thanks!

Y/N: no i’ve got tae joon n hobi 

SY: ok… wonder how he’s getting here… yoongi’s with me… said seokjin left a while back

Y/N: idk… sure he found something… uber or lyft or whatever… don't worry he won't ditch lol 

Y/N: i found a spot damnnnnn. cya in a bit

SY: lol tae wouldn’t let him live if he ditched

SY: nice :D yoongi and i are in the purple section

The purple section was undoubtedly the best spot in the Underground, as you had discovered almost 2 years ago. Being new to the city, you had basically followed Joon and Hobi wherever they went to socialize or get food. It was around the end of your second month in the program that Seokjin planned a mid-semester gathering, refusing to eat at, in his words, “another cheap taco truck masquerading as kitschy Instagram bait”. That was your first encounter with the Underground as well as your first experience in the purple section. Simply put, it had the best sofas and chairs, an abundance of vintage arcade games, easy access to the bar and food counter, and a separate music setup. It also cost a lot more to sit at the purple section, but Seokjin had never been the type to scrimp when it came to anything. It had become a kind of tradition after that; every time someone had a birthday, Seokjin would reserve the purple section for the evening. Not having grown up surrounded by luxury and riches, it was sometimes difficult for you to understand how Seokjin never thought twice before spending money on things. Then again, you doubted you would’ve been this thoughtful even if you had this kind of money at your disposal. Seokjin might’ve been hard to read at times, but his heart was in the right place.

Speaking of, you spotted Seokjin standing next to a couple of people you didn’t recognise. Deciding that this was probably the best time to get introduced to the first years, you walked over to them with a smile.

“Just deposited Joon, Hobi, and Tae near the bar. I feel sorry for your tab today, Seokjin.”

Seokjin lifted one of his thick arched eyebrows at you and then burst into his signature windshield wiper laugh. “I’ll give them a free pass today. Afterall, it’s the beginning of a new academic year!”

“You’re planning on dumping all of Kang’s data analysis on them, aren’t you?” you asked, trying to suppress a grin.

“Ah, Y/N, you know me so well,” he grinned, his features lighting up mischievously. “By the way, here’s two thirds of the new cohort. Song Yeri and Jeon Jungkook.”

You glanced at the two unfamiliar people and smiled in greeting. Yeri was a petite girl with long black hair who quickly fell into conversation with you. Jungkook, on the other hand, gave you a soft nod and walked over to where Jimin was opening a couple of beers. 

“So is Professor Kang someone we should be worried about?” asked Yeri, not giving you much time to pay much attention to Jungkook. “I wouldn’t want to be unprepared.”

Seokjin laughed at her worried tone. “Straight off the bat, huh?” 

Yeri flushed slightly, tucking her hair behind her ear self-consciously. “Oh no- I mean, it just seemed like that from your conversation!”

“Don’t worry, Yeri,” you assured her. “Seokjin’s a fourth year - not much phases him. He’s doing his PhD under Kang so he has to do tons of data analysis for her projects. Which he sometimes dumps on people who have been bothering him.”

Yeri looked suitably concerned at this new piece of information. She glanced at Seokjin’s handsome profile and smiled uncertainly. You couldn’t help but giggle at her reaction. It really was difficult to get a grasp on everyone’s personalities just by their looks. Each and every guy in the department was strikingly handsome, and Sooyoung, the only other female besides you, looked like she had walked out of a fashion show. It would’ve been extremely intimidating if you hadn’t personally been a witness to how clumsy Namjoon was, how lame Seokjin’s puns were, how scared Yoongi and Hoseok were of anything remotely resembling an insect, how Tae hadn’t managed to cook a single meal without setting off the fire alarm or giving Jimin food poisoning, how Jimin often collided into objects because he was laughing too much, or how Sooyoung had gotten lost multiple times on her way to campus in spite of driving along the same road for more than 3 years. You were sure Yeri, and the other two first years, would definitely get over the initial nerves and intimidation surrounding their colleagues. In fact, if Jungkook’s animated conversation with Jimin was anything to go by, it seemed like he had gotten over that already.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to the others.” You steered Yeri in Sooyoung and Yoongi’s direction.

xxx

“Thanksgiving next week! I cannot wait to get away from this blasted Ethics class!” 

You were currently in Seokjin and Yoongi’s shared posh apartment, trying to proof-read a paper before the conference deadline. On the couch next to you sat Seokjin and Namjoon, eyes blinking rapidly in tiredness, while Jimin sat across from you, his silver hair tied into a messy ponytail. 

The door to the apartment swung open at that moment as Jungkook walked in, armed with takeout from at least 4 different places.

“I come bearing sustenance,” he announced, as Jimin jumped up with surprising alacrity and rushed towards him. 

“Your Busan blood runs strong, my friend,” said Jimin, appreciatively, eyeing all the different containers on the table. “I knew I could count on you.”

“That makes zero sense, Jimin,” scoffed Sooyoung. She was buried deep inside Yoongi’s favorite bean bag, having taken it over since the owner was currently not at home. “But li’l Jeon has proven to be a valuable addition to our department.”

“Ugh! Don’t call him that! Li’l Jeon sounds like something else,” you said, scrunching your nose in distaste.

“I agree,” replied Jungkook, rolling up his sleeves as he began opening the containers carefully. “But i can assure you of one thing - there is nothing li’l about this Jeon. In any sense of the word.”

“I’ve lost my appetite,” you declared, throwing a particularly soft pillow over your face. 

Three months into the semester and Jungkook had become an integral part of your group of friends. It had turned out that Jungkook and Jimin knew each other very well, having gone to school together in Busan. It’s not as if you hadn’t become well acquainted with the other two first years - Yeri still consulted you whenever she needed advice on how to deal with grading or professors or classes in general; and Lauren, an international student from France, was very friendly and turned up at all the department hangouts. But Jungkook seemed like he had been part of your group forever - not someone who had met almost everyone for the first time about 3 months ago. As was customary with first year PhD students, they were required to complete a few mandatory courses before being allowed to customize their coursework around their individual research interests. So even though Jungkook had all the same classes with Yeri and Lauren, almost every moment outside of classes was spent with one of you.

“I can’t believe it’s already time for Thanksgiving,” said Jimin, popping an entire dumpling into his mouth. “-ime eeli plyz.”

“Chew your food, you barbarian,” scolded Seokjin, blowing on a particularly large piece of fried chicken before putting the entirety into his mouth. A couple of chews and a large swallow later, Seokjin was ready for a second piece.

“Speak for yourself,” remarked Sooyoung, holding onto her food protectively.

“I remember Yoongi telling us during our orientation,” Namjoon piped up, a can of beer in his hand. “‘In a PhD program, days are slow, but semesters are fast’. I thought he was high at that time, but I realise now that he’s a true genius.”

“I still don’t get why you’re such a Yoongi fanboy,” grumbled Seokjin, settling comfortably into the couch once again. “I’m just as wise, and definitely a lot funnier.”

“Don’t forget about being a drama queen,” said Sooyoung, nudging Seokjin’s knee with her toes. “You’ve got that one over Yoongi as well.”

“Four years and you're still as ungrateful,” sighed Seokjin, looking uncharacteristically cheerful at the teasing. 

“At least I’m consistent,” shrugged Sooyoung. “Gimme some of your kimchi.”

“Consistency is only useful across data samples,” remarked Seokjin, picking up a small amount of kimchi with his chopsticks and feeding Sooyoung. “Not sure how desirable it is in human relationships. Life would be unbearably dull in that case.” 

“They’ve been dancing around each other for as long as I’ve known them. Why can’t they just get together and stop their incessant flirting in front of the rest of us,” you muttered darkly, vigorously pouring chili oil over your ramen. You, Namjoon, and Jungkook were still getting your food from the kitchen, while Jimin had gone ahead and joined the incessantly flirting pair in the living room.

“Y/N is always so bitter about anything to do with romance,” chuckled Namjoon. “Jungkook, do you know how annoyed she was when Hobi started dating last year?”

“No, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of hearing that story.” Jungkook glanced at you cheekily, while popping open a can of beer.

“She didn’t speak to him for an entire week. Which was particularly inconvenient because the three of us had just started living in the same apartment, and we were all assigned to assist Choi on her year-end department survey. Poor Hobi thought he might have to find a new place to live.” 

“I’m sorry? Were you the one who came back home after extended office hours to find your friend butt-naked and balls-deep inside the barista who works across the street from our lab? I couldn’t get coffee from there for a month because I couldn’t look Sujin in the eye without immediately imagining Hobi in his natural drawers.”

Jungkook, who had chosen this exact moment to take a sip of beer, spat out the amber liquid on an unsuspecting Namjoon. 

“That’s what you get for deriving pleasure from other people’s misfortunes,” you remarked, smugly.

xxx

It was around 11.30 in the morning, when you heard a loud knocking on your apartment door. Classes had broken for Thanksgiving yesterday, which meant that today was your day to catch up on all the sleep you had missed over the last three months. But instead, you had been woken up much ahead of your intended 16 hours of sleep schedule. 

“You look awful.”

Jungkook walked into the apartment, looking far too fresh and sprightly for your liking. He was wearing that godforsaken plaid shirt that hung loosely off his body, but would highlight his rather well-defined muscles every time he happened to move in a particular way. You absolutely hated what a tease his shirt was. Fortunately for you, he wasn’t wearing the skin tight black jeans which always looked like they were about to burst at the seams, thanks to Jungkook’s equally well-defined thighs. 

“It’s not even noon. Why can’t you call before showing up? Where are your manners, Jeon?” you grumbled, checking to see if your pajamas had any glaring holes in them.

“I need help with the data analysis,” he mumbled sheepishly. “Professor Lee gave me a really tough dataset because I breezed through the first two assignments.”

“Still don’t see why you came over without any notice at this ungodly hour,” you continued, tapping your foot impatiently.

“I also got jjajangmyeon, kimbap, and bubble tea from Kimchi Palace.”

“What kind of bubble tea?” you asked, pushing yourself off the doorframe.

“Strawberry milk tea, half sugar, light ice, with extra strawberry jelly, and no boba.”

“I suppose it isn’t that early.”

A few minutes later, you were explaining principal component analysis to Jungkook, while eating jjajangmyeon and sipping bubble tea. The kimbap was put into the fridge for later, in case Namjoon or Hoseok wanted to have some when they got home at night. 

Jungkook was very intelligent; he picked up new concepts quite easily and was one hundred percent committed to whatever he worked on. He also had a refreshing sense of humor, where he didn’t always crack jokes or stay in the limelight, but his occasional quips were enough to send everyone into fits of laughter. He got along extremely well with each of them. He and Taehyung often walked around the city taking obscure, artsy photographs. Seokjin had basically adopted Jungkook as a younger brother due to his video gaming abilities. Namjoon was glad to finally have someone who enjoyed going on nature hikes with him, while Hoseok had been hugely impressed at Jungkook’s dancing and promptly asked him to help out at his studio. Jimin already knew Jungkook quite well, and Yoongi was more than happy to teach someone else the intricacies of cooking different kinds of meat. Even Sooyoung, who usually remained closed off from new people, had allowed Jungkook to use her car whenever someone needed to be picked up but she was too exhausted to drive. 

“I’m sorry I came by so early. I know you’ve been looking forward to catching up on sleep over the break,” he said softly, looking up from his laptop. That was the other thing that had struck you about Jungkook, he was very perceptive and sensitive to people around him. A rare quality which you appreciated far more than you let on.

“It’s fine. You saved me from having to cook lunch. That itself deserves many prizes from my end. You know how I hate cooking,” you shrugged.

“Speaking of, I’m making dinner for me and Tae tonight. Jimin’s visiting his brother, so it's just the two of us. And since I’d rather not get food poisoning, I’m putting Yoongi’s lamb chop recipe to good use,” he grinned boyishly. “You should come over if you don’t have anything else planned. It’ll save you from cooking another meal.”

“I might take you up on that offer. Let me check if either Joon or Hobi are having dinner at home, otherwise I’ll definitely be there.”

xxx

Taehyung and Jimin (and now Jungkook) lived about 10 minutes away from your place. It was a much larger apartment, so three people were more than comfortable there. Jungkook was staying there until he found another place to stay, but judging by how happy Jimin and Taehyung were with him around, he would probably end up staying with them permanently.

“I found parking at your building for the first time today,” you remarked, dropping your bag on the nearest couch. 

“Half the people are visiting family over the weekend. You won’t be so lucky next time.” Taehyung walked over lazily, his thick black hair falling messily over his eyes. He was dressed in his favorite Celine t-shirt and a pair of the loosest pants you had seen till date.

“The perm’s still looking good, Tae,” you grinned at him, taking the soda from his hand. 

“I’m planning on getting it done again once it wears off,” he said happily, settling into the couch. “Catch up on your sleep? Or did Gguk ruin your Thanksgiving plans as well?”

“‘As well’?” you asked, trying to suppress a grin.

“Taking advantage of the nearly empty laundry room and washing all the sheets does not count as ‘ruining’ anyone’s Thanksgiving plans!” yelled Jungkook from inside the kitchen.

“He woke me up at 7 am and stripped the sheets off my bed, emptied all our laundry bags, and locked me out of my room so that I wouldn’t dirty the bare mattress with my grubby clothes.” Taehyung’s grumbling was always extremely funny because he would end up pouting by the end of his rant and no one would take him seriously after that.

“Okay, the bread is in the oven and should be ready in about 15. Lamb chops are almost done as well. We’ll be dining in no time,” said Jungkook, flopping onto the couch beside you.

“That gives me enough time to answer the emails Choi sent me this morning. Jimin was right, she’s a madwoman. Doesn’t understand what ‘a break’ is , apparently,” sighed Taehyung, getting up and walking towards his room. “Lemme know when the food is ready.”

3 years ago, if anyone had told you that you would be more than halfway through your PhD having become close friends with seven of the most handsome guys on campus (or even in the country), you would’ve laughed at them and then silently questioned their sanity. But now, you couldn’t imagine life without them. Even Jungkook, you realised, glancing at the boy next to you. He had also become an extremely important part of your life. He didn’t say much, but his actions made things abundantly clear. He was extremely caring and thoughtful, even if he didn’t always have the right words to express himself. 

“What’re you thinking?” he asked, looking at you sleepily.

“That this soda is almost lukewarm.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not.”

Suddenly, you felt a rough set of fingers poking your ribcage. Slowly, but surely, you were squirming in place as you struggled to not spill your soda while Jungkook continued tickling you mercilessly. 

“I know your weakness, remember?” he managed to say between giggles, his voice turning high-pitched as it usually did when he laughed too hard. 

“Gguk stop! The soda! It’ll spill on the carpet!” you gasped, trying to keep your hand steady.

“Oh shit! Sorry. Yeah, Jimin would freak out if he saw a stain on this carpet.” Jungkook let you go so that you could place the soda can on the nearest table. But as soon as you had freed your hands, you jumped on him and pinned him on the couch.

“I also know your weakness, Gguk,” you grinned, deviously, before tickling him with all your might. 

Needless to say, a scenario with two people in their mid-twenties behaving like 4 year olds, was bound to have certain consequences. In this case, it ended with both you and Jungkook falling off the couch, your faces mere inches away from each other. 

This wasn’t the first time you had been struck by how handsome Jungkook was. In fact, you had noticed the exact number of moles on his face and neck, having stopped yourself from reaching out and touching the one under his lower lip on more than one occasion. His large doe eyes also held a certain innocence and wonder in them, even though he was an extremely bright and capable PhD student with a lot of varied knowledge bases. Not just that, his impressive physique had caught you off guard many times. Particularly because it contrasted so heavily with his boyish face.

None of that mattered at this moment, as you could feel his breath on your face. He was so close… If you reached up a little bit, you would be-

“The oven timer’s been beeping for the last 10 minutes. But you both are too busy eye-fucking each other to notice.”

Taehyung’s deep voice caused you both to spring apart from each other, mortification heating up your face and neck. Jungkook’s ears, you noticed, had turned a very beautiful shade of red as well.

Dinner wasn’t as awkward as you expected because Yoongi dropped by a few minutes after your ‘eye-fucking’ session, extremely hungry and annoyed at Seokjin - who had decided to use this night to slow cook some pork.

“Gguk, this is really good,” said Yoongi, once all of you had finished eating. “Didn’t think you’d be able to get it right on the first go! Y/N, what’d you think? You’ve been awfully quiet the whole time.”

You nodded your head in response, keenly aware of Taehyung’s intense gaze that followed your every move. “It was really good, Gguk. Thanks for a lovely meal.”

“Do you need a ride home, Yoongi?” you asked, once all the dishes had been cleared away. “I’ve got my car.”

“Life-saver. I need to pick up a tin of coffee from the convenience store. I’ll meet you at the parking lot in 10?” said Yoongi slipping on his jacket.

“Wait, I’ll go with you. I need to buy some soda,” said Taehyung, springing up suddenly. Not bothering to change out of his slippers, he rushed out after Yoongi, but not before glancing quickly between you and Jungkook and sending you a rather outrageous wink.

“That was… weird,” you remarked, relieved to see that Jungkook had missed your exchange with Taehyung. “Anyway, thanks again for a great meal. You’re a really good cook, Gguk.”

“Thanks,” he said, not really looking up from his phone. He had also been rather silent throughout the meal.

“I’m heading out then. See you later, Gguk.” You picked up your bag and proceeded to open the door.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?” You turned around to find Jungkook standing rather close to you. You could see the mole below his lower lip quite clearly from here.

“You never told me what you were thinking about.” His voice was a lot more husky than usual, and you gulped as you realised you had no clue what to say to him.

“I-”

Before you could finish your half-formed sentence, Jungkook’s lips were on yours, kissing you slowly. After being frozen for a second or two, your hands made their way into his soft brown curls, relishing in the feeling of having him so close to you. You realised that you had been wanting to do this for a while now. Maybe even since the first day of classes, when he had offered you his cup of coffee after the machine in the department had stopped working. 

“Never mind,” he said, breaking the kiss with a soft ‘chu’. “You can tell me another time. Yoongi’s probably waiting at the parking lot.”

“And Tae might come back any minute now,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, a soft smile on his face. 

“Tomorrow?” It seemed like your brain had short circuited. 

“Yeah.” He dipped down and placed another chaste kiss on your mouth, before displaying his adorable bunny smile. “But even that seems too far away right now.”

You were really grateful that you managed to get both yourself and Yoongi home without crashing the car that night. Once you got home, you checked your phone and found two messages - a text from Jungkook checking if you had reached home safe, and another one from Taehyung.

T: the couch is off limits. don’t even think about it...

xxx

please do not repost anywhere. reblog if you enjoyed the story!

[bonaintan]

A Journey to KGSP/GKS: How I Ended Up in Korea

Everyone has at least one turning point in their life. It’s a momentum when one believes that his/her life has completely changed and a new one has begun. To me, KGSP/GKS is one of my turning points. I wouldn’t say that my journey to get the scholarship and my student life in Korea were full of blood and tears. Tough days were there, but there must be a bunch of more heart-breaking stories other than mine. God allows us to experience things and difficulties within our ability and even though I had mine in an unexpected way, I know that He had been very soft to me all the time. It was the time when I learned different versions of myself I never knew existed. And just now, months after I graduated and managed to finish the program safely that I had the courage to share my experience.  

---

Korean Government Scholarship Program (KGSP), which has changed its name into the Global Korea Scholarship (GKS), is a scholarship program from the Government of the Republic of Korea. This program provides foreigners the opportunity to continue to higher education (undergraduate and graduate degree programs) in South Korea. You may click here for more information.

Studying abroad has always been one of my dreams since high school. It turned from a mere dream into a plan once I graduated from university. Given my major is not a common one (Family Science) especially in Indonesia, I knew that I should go overseas to do my master’s degree program. I could’ve just continued my studies at the same university where I graduated, but even my advisor suggested to find some overseas universities, the most possible one is in Malaysia. At the time, Korea hadn’t been on the list as I had no idea if any universities were providing my prospective major.

I only did my research on schools in Malaysia and the US until I ran into a broadcast message about overseas scholarship for graduate programs. The list was quite long so I did a quick scan and started to dig into each based on my country preference, where Korea happened to be one of it. Back then, my knowledge of Korea was limited to dramas that I got to watch along with my older sisters (if you have three older sisters you can hardly choose what to watch on TV) and then some bands my little sister listened to. So I’ve been a fan of the Korean entertainment industry before coming to Korea, but studying there was never on any of my imaginations because I was skeptical on the idea of learning a new language (there were days when I laughed on Korean language and how the actors/actresses look, never imagined it would be part of myself in the future).

Surprisingly, the moment I learned about KGSP/GKS, I decided to give it a go. I did calculations on time and energy that I had (I was working at the time) and knew that I could afford only one scholarship application at the time. So I wrapped up my research on other countries and scholarship programs and spent the rest of the year preparing for KGSP/GKS applications, which means that I literally gave my all to my first scholarship journey. As a person who was spoiled by her parents and never had experience in scholarship application before, it was quite overwhelming. But, I tried hard to prepare everything myself despite their disapproval. It was actually my way to show them as well as God that I could do it and I would make it (what a confidence. Lol).

I sent my application to the Korean Embassy in Jakarta as I applied via Embassy Track. I learned that the competition on the first round through this track was not a joke, but I simply preferred having three university choices rather than one and I didn’t want to take a risk of having my documents lost on the way (that’s odd, I know, but I’m always more on the safe side). Thank God, I got the interview call and then had my documents sent to Korea after passing the interview process. The next round was having my documents screened by the Korean National Institute for International Education (NIIED) in Korea and once I passed this process, I had to wait for the email from my chosen universities, whether they wanted to do another interview or directly announced their decision. At this round, a lot of awardees say that you’ve already put your first step in Korea and there will be at least one university that will accept you. The saying was such a tranquilizer for me that I even started to make my packing list (’m not always this confident, seriously).

I got the first email from Kyungpook National University who was interested in my application and sent me a written interview. While undergoing the university selection process, applicants have to submit the medical check-up form. And it was around that time when things started to go down the hill. It should be easy if you have no history of having any acute diseases. I was not a healthy kid myself so I was quite worried that something off would unveil. It turned out that the underlooked mental health check-list was the one that got in my way. I took my medical check-up in a nearby hospital which happened to be a mental hospital where the doctor couldn’t simply sign my form without doing all the tests including the mental one. So, I had to take a written test to get the psychiatrist's signature, which unfortunately turned out that she didn’t want to give.

It was probably the wrong time to take the test. I was tired and drained out after taking several tests in a day. But, I know the result wouldn’t turn out differently had I done it on another day. So, I had to respond either yes or no on 300 questions. I guess the test basically tries to reveal your mental state (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression) through your fears and your response to stressful situations. Unfortunately, my result didn’t come out well. As silly as it sounds, I couldn’t hold my tears in the counseling room when the psychiatrist showed me the result and told the story of people with similar cases like me and what happened to them. I sobbed not because she couldn’t give her recommendation, but because finally came the day when someone put my condition into words. It might sound like I was being judged and the way she frankly explained it to me was also unpleasant, but nothing was wrong with what she said which made me feel even worse.

You might think I could’ve just taken the test again in another hospital. But, I couldn’t let my money go down the drain, and asking my parents’ money was not part of the plan. Plus, I had no ample time to do it all over again and get the results on time. More than anything, I started to doubt my decision to study abroad. I knew that the fear of living away from my parents and not being able to handle things independently had always been there all along (I don’t know if anyone at my age could relate). Not only one person who pointed it out, but I kept on denying it. So, when it was brought to the surface especially by a professional, it was painful to the point that I considered withdrawing because I couldn't even trust myself to take a risk.

Surprise-surprise, only a few days after the medical check-up I received the acceptance email from Kyungpook National University. I took it as a yes from God. I had come that far and I wouldn't trade my spot for some future events no one never knew would really happen. So, with as much courage as I had, I took the mental health test again suggested by the kind nurse who listened to me crying in the counseling room, answered the same questions differently, and managed to receive the psychiatrist's signature to complete my medical form. Later, I got the acceptance notifications from Pusan National University and Seoul National University as well, which I ended up choosing the latter for my graduate school in Korea.

---

Preparing for KGSP/GKS applications and undergoing the selection process for months have taught me the pain of waiting and struggling. At one point, it showed me that I could push my boundary and instead of jumping out of my comfort zone, I tried to widen it and made things that were used to be hard become part of myself. With the permission of God, I could turn myself into such an overconfident head by asking prayers from people I know (in case my family’s prayers were not strong enough to persuade God. Lol). At another point, I was awakened to things I have been feared to deal with although I know I eventually have to. Confronting my fears wasn’t always pleasant nor that it affected me positively and became part of my comfort zone, but I did my share by trying to face it. At the end of the day, I learned Ikhlas and literally let God do the rest and decide for me. While waiting for the announcement I pictured the day I was rejected, hoping that it would ease the pain later. I also told myself hundred times that everything would be okay even if I failed as long as the sun still rises; I would cry my eyes out for days, receive comforting words halfheartedly, and wake up one day feeling okay again. 

And my journey to be part of KGSP/GKS came to a beautiful end as I flew to Korea in August 2016 and started the real struggle for 3 years. Some of what the psychiatrist said back then about people with similar cases like me did happen to me too, but I finished it differently. It was tough years and only God’s mercy and the people I spent my time with in Korea that helped me to stay sane and get through it. 

[makeitpoppy]

I was tagged by the lovely @bwaldorf 💕

Are you staying at home from work/school?

I was at home for almost two months, but I just got back to work this week, as restrictions have been lifted off. However I am avoiding going out as much as I can.

If you’re at home, who is there with you?

I am by myself, have been for the last two months, since my mom has diabetes and I’ve been working - thus getting in and out of the house - so she went to stay with my aunts for the time being.

Do you have pets to keep you company?

Yes, my bunny Holly 🥺❤️ he’s the most precious thing in my whole life

Who do you miss the most?

No one. Just as it all started I went through some traumatic stuff non-related to COVID19, and my social anxiety came back full force, stronger than ever - which was a bummer, since I had managed to conquer it and to fully bloom into the really extroverted, sociable person I am. Or at least I thought I was.

When was the last time you left your home?

This morning, to go to work. Besides leaving for work, I left home last Friday to go to the doctor.

What was the last thing you bought?

GRE Prep Power Pack set, plus some stuff for Holly.

Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed?

I’m stressed out af, because my country’s response to this whole situation has been, at best, almost non existent. The president laughs it off as a little flu, while mass graves are being opened over and over because people are dying at an alarming rate. Plus our country isn’t testing people AT ALL! Only those who are on the steps of death and/or those who have the money for it. Even those who died in suspicious conditions aren’t being tested, but being discarded like trash. It’s maddening. Besides that, I was finally able to relax.

Are you a homebody?

Yes and no. I’m a wild party person in the best of ways. However as I’ve mentioned, my social anxiety has been acting up again and nowadays I can say I am a homebody and seems like that will be the case for a long time to come.

What movies have you watched recently?

The last movie I watched was Netflix’s Handsome Devil. It was so cute and lighthearted in a way, but so subtly heavy in others. Def on my favorite list, although I can’t help but be frustrated that Ned and Conor didn’t have their on screen kiss 🥺

An event you were looking forwards to that got cancelled?

Oh god, Mais Louco que o Batman, that’s for sure! Henrique de Ferraz and MC Rick were on the line up and I was going with people I love and it was going to be absolutely awesome; I was ready to dance the whole weekend away. Also Villa Mix!

What’s the worst thing you’ve had to cancel?

My master’s degree moving plan. I was set out to move abroad this July, but that got delayed until January 2021 at least.

What’s the best thing you had to cancel?

Nothing, I think. I kinda dropped out of the face of earth so I didn’t have anything to cancel that I was happy to.

Do you have any new hobbies?

Making jewelry and other stuff. I was never much of a DIYer, but lately I’ve found myself really drawn to it.

What are you out of?

Chocolate milk. And olives. But I will probably get them tomorrow, since I have to go out. Here in Brazil we aren’t really restricted at all. So I try to pace myself but when I need something I can get it on the supermarket on the corner of my street.

What music are you listening to?

Deeper, sadder stuff. But most of all, that Bangtan shit.

What shows are you watching?

I was finishing Cold Case, but the DailyMotion channel I was using got taken down, and now I can’t find it anywhere for free :(

What are you reading?

Andrew Solomon’s The Noonday Demon - which I absolutely recommend, with caution to those with an unstable mindset. Incredibly well written, full of surprises and the right amount of personal cases and theory. Oh, and a shit ton of fanfic too, kudos to AO3! ❤️

What are you doing for self care?

Mostly I’m trying to keep myself in a good shape regarding grooming; I’ve been doing my nails more frequently alongside deep conditioning my hair more, adopted a new, more complete after shower routine that includes moisturizing every single tattoo I have; I have also taken up journaling.

Are you exercising?

I wish I could say I was. But that only lasted three days and then I got bored lol

How’s your toilet paper supply?

Doing fine as ever, I think. Since we don’t have that many restrictions here, it’s been easy to keep things well supplied. But I actually didn’t have to buy a lot of it, since I’m staying by myself and we already had a nice supply.

Have you made any changes to your hair?

If deep conditioning it counts, then yes lol but as much as I would like to, I haven’t.

I tag @silkcupid @aliferousangel @qalaxyprincess @kakashigf @harlequin-swan @miocake @hannahchuu @allforjenrene @lacey-lamb @softndreaming @truebabe @thebeautytoyourbeat @gloszy @glitterfairies @fairre @vantegoes @tiramisubun @m0-chi @thebluesideofmyworld @kuuuuromi @ikjuns and anyone else who would like to do this 💕

[tardytothepardy]

Alrighty!

So a few days back, I did a CAS makeover of various families in Oasis Springs, and I didn't want to repeat what I did last time. And thus, picture splicing. Through Ibis Paint. It's fine, it worked. I first did Katrina Caliente as a bit of an experiment:

With Katrina's outfits, I wasn't really sure what I was going for. I don't have much of a connection to Katrina, but I tried to use her traits as somewhat of a guide. Her partywear is a dress from Perfect Patio that I'd never used, so I figured I could use it for her, and I think she looks nice in it.

By the way, in my game I saw that MC gave Katrina a bit of a story! She went off and got married to a grand master vampire named Colby Wynn (so now she’s Katrina Wynn), but before that she had a kid with Don named Samuel. Scandalous? Maybe not. Very interesting though. Now she lives across the road from the freakin Landgraabs. She’s living the high life now.

Nina:

One thing I thought was odd about Nina is that the chick got abs, even though if you have her clean a kitchen counter she's complaining due to her lazy trait. How and when did she get these abs?

At any rate, I decided with her athletic outfit that she would be dragged to the gym by Don or Dina (bc they're athletic or whatever) but all she would do is take pictures of herself in her leggings. Maybe make fun of someone falling on their face because she's like that. I do really like how she came out, though.

MC tried to make Nina a freelancer, but I didn’t think that suited her lifestyle, so I gave her a part time job in retail, which is probably perfect for her hot-headed and lazy traits. 

Dina:

I also struggled with Dina a bit, but it was mainly because of her hair. I kept it short, but that meant that there weren't really a lot of options for her. I like to think about whether you could realistically have a hairstyle with a certain hair length, and since I very recently used to have hair that length, I knew that a bunch of hairstyles would be too long for how her hair is.

It would've been fine if I wasn't such a stickler for these kinds of things.

MC didn’t do anything with her, which was fine. I’m currently trying to have her pursue and complete her mixology aspiration. Right now she just needs to get a few more promotions and she’ll be fine. Except for that ‘make three drinks during a social event’ which I’m not so keen on. I rarely throw parties in The Sims (or at all really) because they’re so stressful and I’m too occupied with too many things. It’s not optimal. But I guess I’m gonna be doing that sometime soon.

Don:

I'll admit that I do not generally like Don Lothario as a character. The fact that, in The Sims 2, he would pee in the shower and leave puddles that he would never clean up was like a personal insult. How dare he.

In The Sims 4 though, Don just comes off as a bit more... Chad? I'm not sure if that's quite right, but his og hair reminds me of when I was in 5th grade and all the boys had their hair like that and they thought they were the fucking shit. They were not.

I dressed him with the main thought of "Yeah, he would dress like that," and it was fine. I'm not 100% sure about his everyday though. I might end up changing that later, but for now I'll keep it.

Part of me wanted to give Don the athletic career, but then I remembered how I filled the house with toddlers, so someone had to be at home. I had already given Dina and Nina jobs, and I still have the ‘Don Lothario does medicine’ idea stuck in my head from the Sims 2, so I put him in the freelance programming career, because I’ve never done that before.

I really haven’t dabbled with many of the careers, if I’m being honest. It’s probably because I keep jumping from save to save, so I don’t get around to finishing things. Oh well. 

After that I just had to do the Landgraabs. I didn't include Nancy's athletic wear because it was basically the same as before- it was a white tracksuit, except now it doesn't have any orange on it. It's completely white except for her shoes.

Nancy:

My thought process for dressing Nancy was really vague. I wanted to keep that bright, crisp color palette that she has, but still incorporate that “I am not fucking around here” energy that I get from her. Don’t ask about the hair though. I really don’t know what I was going with there. Sometimes I select hairs thinking ‘lol I never use these’ and then I end up having the Sim use it, and that’s what happened with Nancy. I’m not sure she really deserved it, but it’s gonna have to be fine.

I also kept out a picture of Geoffrey, but it was his sleepwear. I didn't have a problem with it, so I kept it.

Geoffrey:

As far as Geoffrey's new outfits go, I feel like I was going for a very "grandpa" look for him, and it made me think about the dynamic that Geoffrey and Nancy would have. I used to think that Nancy was this powerhouse that would stop at nothing to get what she wants, including the law, and that Geoffrey would just be quietly standing by trying to raise Malcolm to be a respectable Sim (which he is not), but from looking at other people's stories, I feel like Geoffrey would be 100% aware of Nancy's criminal aspirations, and would mostly (with his experience as a Secret Agent) make sure that anything going on in his family would be kept on the down-low.

Because he married into the Landgraab family. It's not like he held the Landgraab legacy and Nancy's ambition and drive won him over and she married into it. He knowingly married into the family, for whatever reason. Did he want the financial stability? I mean, that always helps. I still think that he would want Malcolm to be successful, earn a degree in something (knowing Malcolm it'd probably be Villainy) and raise a family of his own, but Geoffrey isn't stupid.

I imagine that he would like it if him and Nancy had a better relationship with Johnny, seeing as he's their son too, but you can't have everything.

Malcolm:

Finally, at the end of everything, we have Malcolm Landgraab. If his outfits don't scream "prep rich boy", then I did something wrong, because that was 100% what I was going for. He doesn't have enough muscle to be like a "frat boy" or something, but if you caught him in his athletic wear, you would just know that it's worth more money than you'll make in a year, and he has at least three of them that all look the same.

With his everyday, I was keeping in mind that story from Geoffrey wanting Malcolm to be successful and pursue uni. Clearly he would be in Foxbury, because to be in Britechester would be a deeper disgrace than Johnny straying from the Landgraab path. Do you really think Nancy can make another heir now? There's some pressure on Malcolm for sure.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Abramazing Spider-Man #2 Thoughts

More crap.

Let’s deal out some of the minor positives I have.

The art continues to be nice.

Having a Spider-Man get into heroing via the influence of their love interest is something different for whatever that is worth.

Ben burning the suit only to then immediately regret it was a funny subersion of expectations. It made me chuckle.

The only thing I noted as derivative of older Spider-Man stories was the cliché burning of the costume in the backyard.

The recap page did a good job of catching up new readers. Yes. I’m praising the recap page. Let that sink in.

Okey dokey that’s enough now.

Whilst last issue initially made me vaguely interested before chatter surrounding me converted me into hating it, this issue was more bland and going by through the motions.

The thing is last issue so utterly tainted my (and everyone else’s) experience that I am struggling to look past the fact that this is obviously amateurish and actively deceptive of the readers.

That’s perhaps made me resentful to most of the things in the story, I know I’m probably not being fair and balanced in my approach to it.

But all I can say here is how I felt about the book and how I felt about it was supremely unimpressed.

I want to address some tiny points before diving deeper. So Peter is a super scientist but somehow he couldn’t find or design a camera that would work better for him as a one handed man?

Benny clearly never used the webshooters before and yet he’s swinging around with a degree of experience that doesn’t make sense when it’s literally his first try. Hell he’s even carrying someone while he’s at it.

I also don’t get the passage of time or the physics of the web swinging scene. So they are standing on the ground, he shoots a webline, smash cut to a splash page of them swinging, with the dialogue clearly conveying the latter clearly follows the former. Comic books are sequential storytelling. One scene or sequence should lead into another, in particular when conveying movement. Ron Frenz was a master at this, rarely if ever, were you questioning how characters moved from Position A to Position B. I don’t know if this was Pichelli’s fault or if it was Henry Abrams just wanting a cool shot but it sucks.

The recap page claims that Ben accidentally hit the bully from last issue harder than he meant to, and maybe I’m just forgetting something, but I did not get that impression. So good job telling me stuff about last issue that the story itself failed to convey.

Finally Faye Ito/Ito Faye/Asian Michelle Jones/Benny’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl stereotype collides face first mid swing into a billboard. But she’s fine. She’s not even scratched or banged up? What? Would that have made her less pretty or something? Also I guess that scene was a callback to Spider-Man 2002, but I’m not griping about that.

Let’s move on to the more significant problems with the comic book.

I’m not the first person to point this out, but I think it bears repeating, this comic book feels like a movie, and I mean that in a bad way.

The panelling feels like a fill storyboard more than a comic book, it’s not making great use of the things you can do with the medium or the space provided. You want a great example of the opposite check out the art in Absolute Carnage: Seperation Anxiety #1.

Tied in with this criticism is the idea that the Abrams (well Abrams the younger) have developed this story like a film.

I am going to slightly disagree here. I think it’s more as though they’ve designed this as a prestige TV mini-series with a Hollywood film budget. I say this because the way this issue starts and finishes feels like a Netflix episode more than the second half hour of a movie.

Part and parcel of that was the obnoxiously incremental advancement of the Cadaverous and Peter subplots. Cadaverous spewed random cryptic nonsense that existed more to remind us he existed than actually accomplish anything.

Peter’s job overseas...again, why is he not just a scientist if he’s retired altogether? He’s not even a science photographer, he’s basically a grizzled Jimmy Olsen or something. Peter became a shutterbug because it was convenient, he didn’t really want to do that long term as a career, his ambitions lay in science, a job that if anything would be far more accommodating for his disability than going to dangerous parts of the Middle East to awkwardly snap photos. It’s not even like being a scientist would preclude him from getting away from NYC or his son if that’s the idea. He could be travelling for conventions and conferences. I also don’t get why we needed as many scenes of Peter overseas as we got nor why it bothered to linger on the tragedies experienced by the people there. It wasn’t like it was a lot but it’s panel time that could be put to better use. At best it felt like a pretentious attempt at being deep, at worst it might be set up that plays into the story later. The thing is the Middle East doesn’t really make for great Spider-Man stories, nor indeed most international conflicts.

Getting into the meat of this issue...Faye...fuckign Faye.

She’s a cliché.

In fact lots of stuff in this story is cliché, it’s just that unlike last issue they aren’t cliches specifically drawing from older Spider-Man stories, they’re more general clichés.

The thing that really annoyed me with Faye and Benny’s interactions was that she was obviously being played up as a kind of remixed Black Cat/Catwoman due to her costume. Like she’s supposed to be a bad influence on him or something, exemplified by the fact that she shoots down and subverts Peter’s famous motto about responsibility. It didn’t even make sense. Having responsibility gives you power...what?????????????????????????

Benny himself continues to be bland and boring as a protagonist to follow. Like so much of this story thus far he feels like a typical film or TV protagonist having issues with their Dad and in that regard is just going through the motions. I dunno if I’d call him passive per se, but he’s not too far removed from being passive that’s for sure; but not as passive as Aunt May.

I mean blaming his Dad for abandoning being Spider-Man and his mother’s death. I practically predicted the dialogue from the moment that scene started up and whilst okay it’s never been done in Spider-Man before strictly speaking it’s so generic to countless other forms of media, including other superhero comic books, it’s just banal.

His belief that he is a freak is also questionable, specifically it brings into question the world building of this universe. Were this a world where only Spider-Man existed as a hero (more or less like the Raimi movies) then that’d be fine. Even in a world of mutants that’d also be fine, though you’d imagine mutant acceptance would’ve 10+ years removed from when Peter was active. But so far this version of the Marvel Universe feels very generalized in regards to the MCU.

It’s like the Spider-Man and MJ of this universe were generalized versions of the Raimi films iteration, jammed into a generalized version of the MCU where mutants do not exist and the 2012 Avengers are THE Avengers. But if that’s the world Benny grew up in, why would being born with powers make him jump to ‘freak’? He’s just a superhero, that’s cool in a world where there is no mutant stigma and where the Avengers are revered fallen heroes.*

My final criticism is in regards to the final sequence. It was just weird.

Benny and the civilian he was rescuing had dialogue that was far more casual than the situation demanded. Like dude, you’ve been blown up, buried alive and rescued by a bona fide superhero who’s not been seen in 10 years and now killer robots are surrounding you. Who is that chill in such a scenario? Who goes through all that and at the end basically says ‘lol classic Spidey lol’?????

The civilian also had odd dialogue where it was as though Henry was throwing shade at the premise of the book itself, about how lame an older, disabled Spider-Man with a beard and a kid would be.

But like Henry...YOU came up with that? If you think it’s lame why are you making 5 issues worth of it????????????????

My final point is that whilst the artwork is praiseworthy, it’s also far from Pichelli’s best work. It’s in fact noticeably lower quality than the work she was producing on the 2016 Miles Morales titles or even the debut of that character.

My recommendation?

Don’t read this. If you are truly curious wait for the trade to come out and then buy it as cheaply as possible?

As for me, I’m sticking this out to the end but I’m also going to be saving my money and reducing my order to just one copy and have cancelled my pre-order of the trade.

Ever since Spencer showed up I’ve made a concerted effort to support the spider titles I like and want to see more of (that’s code for the titles featuring MJ) and since last issue deceived me and this issue failed to impress, I don’t want more work like this from Marvel in the future.

*Also I’m going to be pissed if it turns out a chucklefuck like Cadaverous wound up taking out the Avengers somehow. Like really, this clown did them in?

[supernoondles]

2019

The last day of 2019 was also the day I fainted for the first time--a fitting metaphor for the year.

2019 was overall very emotionally taxing. This year was emotionally defined by falling intensely, deeply in love with someone (who is a very private person so I will try to be vague to respect that) and being in a lot of pain because of situations mostly outside of our control. There were a lot of intensely joyous moments, and a lot of intensely sad ones. Throughout it all I wish I had communicated better. I also made some bad decisions with another person I really loved and cared about that resulted in us growing apart. Do I think I grew from the experiences? For sure. Do I wish I could have come upon these realizations through a different course of action? Also yes. Am I fully healed from the experiences? Not really, but I've been getting better.

2019 was also very bad in terms of research. It was the 2nd year of my PhD. After I submitted my rotation project I basically felt stuck in the swamp of my advisors rejecting new project ideas for like literally half a year. This, combined with my high emotional volatility (partially due to starting birth control), made me really sad, unmotivated, and susceptible to self-blame. I definitely had high expectations for myself and became frustrated at my lack of progress and felt a lot of pressure from myself to get my shit together. I also felt incredibly bad after most advisor meetings and not supported by one of them to the point where I had to have a conversation with him about the lack of support (which was very scary)! Things started picking up, though, near the end of the year. I published a paper in collaboration with a former post-doc/now professor elsewhere whom I learned a lot from, and started finally building out another system. I also started mentoring an undergrad who at some point told me I helped him feel like he had something important to say and belong at Stanford for the first time and those words meant a lot to me. I think I'm continuing to refine what I value as research contributions and increasingly think about what it means to build systems that aren't used outside of the lab to satisfy the annual conference publishing cycle. I'm also starting to feel the pressure of doing work that follows a narrative rather than random projects that interest me.

Oh, I guess in terms of "program requirements," I did finish taking required classes, passed qualifying exams, and got a master's degree. But honestly those weren't hard at all nor do I think are externally valued in the larger research community, so I don't really celebrate them as accomplishments beyond surface level.

In 2019 I saw two different therapists. The first one was awful, I think directly influenced some of my bad decisions, and also didn't respect my gender identity??? The second one is a lot better and I'm grateful to see her, even if 90% of our sessions are just talking about my relationship (romantic/advisor) issues, which is something I want to move away from in the future. But I also feel incredibly privileged when relationship issues are the primary stressors in my life--I am grateful I feel equipped to handle other crap, like deadlines, and don't have to worry about my own health.

Those were the main things that have colored this year. We'll now move into the section of this post where I go through my photos to jog my memory of other events.

New years started a tradition of getting dim sum with Jasper, Matthew, and Michelle dear to my heart. My high school friend was also visiting and we all attended a really awesome new year's eve party. I was also going on a lot of dates and having a lot of good sex, which made me really happy, and at the same time crying all the time at work. In February I received probably the best gift anyone has ever given me and saw Panic! at the Disco, which I said in an end of the year group meeting was a good memory of my year (it was, to relive my scene days!). In March I roadtripped both to Marin (which I had never to been before, despite all my years in the bay) and LA for Wondercon; it was nice to both see high school friends and go on a trip with the boo. In April I went on a hike with my office which was probably the start of us all becoming closer (we are the social office in the wing now, which I take pride in! Also we draw a lot of Pokemon which warms my heart). In May I went to CHI in Glasgow and then to Paris afterward, and the entire experience was very weird and bad and also too many flights were canceled and/or missed and I vowed to not return to Europe for a while, but man do I love the noodles at Trois Fois plus de Piment. In June we hosted a double apartment party with my downstairs neighbors (side note: I am really appreciative of the place I live in, for the community, convenience, and large-ass space and will be really sad to be kicked out fall 2020) and I started a friendship important to me. I cat-sat for my advisor (the one who doesn't make me feel bad) twice. I went to Redwood State Park with my family and hosted a summer solstice celebration. Over the summer a friend I met in Paris back in 2017 moved in with me. I had a much needed escape from the bay to Seattle where I was reminded how abundant the world can be. I also went to Tahoe to celebrate my parents' anniversary, and really liked stumbling upon a smaller lake with a cheap boat rental. Then I became FOMO about the highly competitive Bay Area camping and did a last minute walk-in at Redwood Basin in Santa Cruz, which made me realize that I don't actually love camping (but was nice nonetheless). I ate an expensive meal at Commonwealth before they closed. For my birthday we made a friendship quilt and I served my favorite dish of cumin lamb but it was also 90 degrees in my apartment (I felt really bad and bought two fans afterwards). I started buying many cartoon frog plush after being gifted a $3.99 on sale Safeway frog (called Baby!). I went on Tinder dates (one of which was at a quaker yard sale marketed as Harvest Festival where I got a 1970s Kermit puppet for like $2) that largely went nowhere. My high school friend visited and we were both sad about break ups. I did Inktober before I went to New Orleans for a conference on Bourbon St where everything felt like it was coated in a sticky film of alcohol. I almost missed my flight home because I fell asleep in a sculpture garden but I had the most amazing Uber driver who snaked his way through traffic (oh and the flight was delayed by like 3 hours). I went to kind of embarrassing haunted houses and pumpkin patches over Halloween, but also had the most incredible bowl of ramen at Mensho. My whole office dressed up as Zootopia characters which warmed my furry heart. I spent like $120 on a Pokemon shirt. I started playing Arkham Horror and rekindled another friendship important to me. In November went on a road trip to Big Sur because again, I had to escape it all. For Christmas Eve dinner I roasted a duck for the first time (which was delicious). Shortly after I waited in line for 2 hours for a rollercoaster at Great America, which taught me the value of buying a fast pass because at this point in my life that money is worth it, and then waited 2 hours in line at the DMV to get a RealID (I had made an appointment, which was the fast pass).

Okay, now we move to the hobby section!

I got really into sewing in 2019, having received a sewing machine last Christmas. I made a Judy Hopps (which I wore to CrunchyRoll Expo) and Korok cosplay (Fanime), several unsuccessful garments, a crab bean bag, a dice bag, a fanny pack, and put hearts nipples on a jumpsuit.

Shows! I think I went to way fewer shows this year. The ones I can remember are Elephant Gym, Thom Yorke the night before I had an 8am flight, Carly Rae Jepsen over pride weekend (also, she is my #1 artist of the year, which makes a lot of sense given my emotional space), Mitski at Stern Grove, Capitol Hill Bloc Party (which was super lame, except for Lizzo, where I cried), and the National (which was a fucking surreal experience as they played on Stanford's campus, I was the only one within earshot of myself who knew the words to Crybaby Geeks, and then the white catalog moms came up to me after to thank me for singing the song).

I also started playing my own music! I started playing viola again for the first time in 7 years (lol) in both pop-up concerts with the Awesome Orchestra (one in Golden Gate Park, one at the Exploratorium) and a string quartet through my school. Sometimes I am filled with joy and delight. Other times interpersonal tensions run high and also I am very bad at being in tune. It's life.

Media! I really liked Mob Psycho 100 Season 2 and Beastars. I feel like those were the only notable anime I watched this year? I saw the Farewell three times--first in Seattle where I sobbed for like 1 hour after the movie, the second time with my parents, and the third where Awkwafina was present for a Q&A. I thought Parasite was incredible and Promare was OK. I have spent an unfortunately large amount of my time playing Pokemon Masters. I finally beat BOTW and completed my Pokedex in Shield like 2 weeks after getting the game.

Resolutions! In my draft of my 2018 end of year post (which I never polished and posted, sorry), I said my resolutions were 1. come out to my parents 2. draw enough to table at an anime con 3. be disciplined about paper reading and have a doc. I did none of these things!!! However, for 1, I feel like I am well equipped to have this conversation but am waiting for my sibling to do it first out of respect. 2 was just bad. I barely drew this year except for gifts. 3 was okay--I did have a large doc in the beginning of the year when I was looking for ideas, but as time went on I abandoned it (I also stopped reading papers, which I don't think you're supposed to do as a grad student...)

My resolutions this year are phrased as intentions (-(c) Matthew). They span several categories. Relationships: I want to open myself to and actively seek experiences of love, because I miss that. That being said, I will only date someone if 1. they have their life together 2. they love themselves and 3. they challenge me to grow. (I do think you can experience love without dating; the thing I'm after is love in an expansive sense.) Work: I want to do enough work so I don't feel guilty about not doing enough work, and also not berate myself for taking a long time to do things. Hobbies: I want to sew at least one thing a month. Chinese: I want to improve my Chinese, especially pronunciation.

Having written this 20 days into 2020, it's not been so bad so far. But I was also really happy in the beginning of 2019. Here's to no global maxima, a monotonically increasing year!

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

@detectivegordons So I saw you were looking for new youtube channels to check out and boy, do I have some gems for you. I started writing this as a normal ask but it quickly got waaay too long so we’re doing a classic text post + add where I can comfortably link the channels and also the rest of my peeps can check them out if they’re interested. So. Let’s divide and conquer:

Cooking

Bon Appétit (Test Kitchen) - One kitchen. Various series with their own themes and style by a specific cook. We have Claire who does ‘Pastry Chef attempts to do x/y/z’ of snacks and treats (e.g. ‘Pastry Chef attempts to make Gourmet Twizzlers’, ‘Pastry Chef attempts to make Ferrero Rocher’) and it’s a delight to watch her struggle through the process of replicating it as closely as possible. There’s also Brad doing ‘It’s alive’ featuring everything involving Fermentation, basically. The editing on this one is the best. There’s Carla inviting celebrities and doing follow alongs and back to back cooking. Ugh, and so many more, I love them all! 

House Renovations 

Wabi Sab-E - Follow this couple on their journey to renovate and old barn doing everything by themselves - construction, pluming, painting, tiling. It never gets boring due to the faster pace of the video and the really thought out and lovely edit. They’re a cute, genuine couple with two dogs and a cat as far as I can recall and just in general awesome folks.

Madeleine Olivia - Apparently she does lifestyle as well but I only watch her renovating videos. She and her boyfriend (fiance/husband??) bought a very cute cottage and just started remodeling the whole thing. She’s not as knowledgable or skilled as the other channels but watching her talk throughs and bringing bits and pieces together really calms me down.

Three Birds Renovation - Now, this is a professional channel. The three birds are three ladies from Australia renovating whole properties and really glamming up the lots. This isn’t diy it’s full on money and glam but if you want to watch houses getting remodeled and basically almost built from scratch again, this is your channel. They usually take on a house and then upload each room as a separate video. My favorite (as I guess most people’s fav is) is their forever home series where they each do their own houses and really kick it out of the park. Extravaganza. 

Lifestyle

Liziqi - A fairy queen from another realm. Absolute beauty shots of her doing her daily life, ranging from picking wild mushrooms, building a love seat from scratch with bamboo, making her own tools, cooking in a self made stone stove. No dialogue, mainly just music and her occasionally trying to keep the sheep from eating her cabbage. You NEED to watch at least one of her vids, I cannot describe this to you! 

Claire Marshall - Claire makes beautifully edited lifestyle vlogs featuring fashion, travel, reconnecting with her past, her cat, make up, drafting/doodling or just life and her thoughts on it in general. She has a much more calmer vibe which I personally prefer to a louder and up beat video personality and her flow, aesthetic and visual presentation really drew me in.

Grackle - A cute little every day vlogger from England. Nothing fancy, nothing out of the box, just plain good and old vlogging and following her around. She’s an absolute dork, a gentle soul and I find her family very funny and relating, lol.

Damon & Jo - They used to do a lot of travel vlogs and I mainly followed them because of their older videos, now they’re both kinda doing their own thing but they’re still great, still traveling the world on a low budget. They’re very very talented when it comes to languages and I find them going on adventures in foreign countries highly amusing. 

Eve Cornwell - Eve is a soon to be proper lawyer currently finishing her masters degree (I think?? I need to catch up on her, lol). She drinks too much coffee, is a relatable student who struggles through her workload and shows you what it takes to get that law degree. Also her editing is just *chef kisses* super cute.

Booktube

Paperbackdreams - I just saw a few of her vids bc I’m mainly not that much into booktube but her video about after just had me snorting all the way through so maybe you enjoy that. Also, a very small curly haired bean.

LilyCReads - Lily got famous for her rant videos and I just love how she picks apart shitty plots. Mainly, because she swears a lot. But she also has a series of her reading the Harry Potter books for the first time and I quite enjoyed them. Simple, very entertaining. 

Readwithcindy - Only watched a few of her videos but I love her style and her vibe a lot. Also, she has the same favorite books as I do so ... maybe that’s a reason as well. Oh, yeah. And we share the depression part and I can relate on t h a t.

Movie Commentary

Dylan is in Trouble - Basically a dude watching our favorite chick flicks, guilty pleasure or teenage obsession shows and comments on them. That’s it. That’s the whole content. He started a series where he was watching the cringiest shows and see how much he could take and it basically evolved from that to .. watching movies and commenting/ranting/questioning various parts that we all questioned. 

Alex Meyers - Alex comments on shows and sums up weird stories very well and he does so with the help of animation. Basically, he’s an artist making fun of weird shows but it’s very light hearted and mostly not ill intended. Also, his animations feature his dog so if that doesn’t get you selling idk what does. 

Trin Lovell - She’s like Dylan. But female. And asian. And much more energetic but just as funny (if not even more). Also, way more edited and dramatic but I like it. So, yeah, a movie commentary channel watching everything from Twilight to Riverdale, lol. 

Art

Emily Artiful - I mainly followed her because of her Sketchbook Storytime videos where she draws and chats/rants to her viewers at the same time and it’s not only beautiful but highly amusing as well. Love her presence and her way of telling a story and getting riled up about it. 

Documentary/Personal

Max Joseph - I know, it’s the guy from Catfish but hear me out. He’s got like 2 vids up where he really took the time and effort and met with very interesting peeps. One of the videos is about if you need to be an asshole to make it as a director in the movie industry. The other one is book related, how to read more books and such and I found them highly intriguing and fascinating! He doesn’t have that many videos yet but those two are like an hour long so grab a snack, sit back and enjoy! 

Film Analysis/Video Essays

Now, those are channels focusing on movie analysis and explaining shots and film for you and why we, as the audience, feel a certain way because we’ve been set up. So if you’re interest in that (I LOVE those) that might be your niche. They’re mostly doing the same thing so I’m just gonna link their channels down below! 

Lessons from the Screenplay

Nerdwriter1

Sideways

Tyler Mowery

Let me know if you knew any of those already or if you liked any of them! :) 

[pyrofleurs]

i turn 23 in a month and had a small crisis about being an adult so i wrote about it

fair warning, this is p corny and questionably written but when i finished it i was like, hey, i feel like i did a pretty good job articulating my feelings, it would be cool if i had some sort of blog platform to post this on, and then i was like oh god i guess i do have a blog and this is it. so, here it is. i’d say its kind of in the same vein as that 2018 year in review rambling essay i wrote back in january lol. enjoy??

I am 22 years old. In exactly one month, I turn 23. The number 23 is a bit of a gross one to me, both because it seems uneven and messy, and because it's the first year in which by age alone, I could not pass for a college student to some rando who happens to look at my driver's license and see that I was born in 1996. At 23, it is undisputable that the numbers show that I am a "true adult", which is terrifying, because it implies to the general public that I am no longer deciding what to do with my life. It implies that I know by now.

Even if I don’t quite see myself as a “real adult” yet (and it seems like most people never really do), I still have to make decisions that will impact my life years down the line, all the way till I'm 30 years older and looking back, and then even more. To me, this is what is so terrifying. I look ahead in my mental map and see tens of hundreds of possibilities, all different ways that my life could pan out. But the longer I wait, the longer I put off any number of big decisions, the harder it can be to attain them. Is that actually true? Honestly, I have no idea. There is no shame in starting late, whenever that may be. But right now, I have the opportunity to start building my life at the "ideal time", according to advice blogs and my parents and my college career center, so I should probably take it.

So, I wrote down three ways my life could potentially pan out in the next 10 years, at least in a career-oriented sense (I’ll spare you most of the details), and these are my observations:

The one thing that is constant in all three scenarios is that I am totally uncertain on how I feel about all of them. Rereading my (pretty ridiculous, if I’m being honest) paragraph-long debriefs on each career path, I say "I could", or "I would", or "I might". I could stay in my current role in a corporate job, but it's not my dream industry. I could work towards making my “passion projects” a full-time job, but I would sacrifice steady pay and healthcare benefits. I could get my masters degree in the industry I want, but I'd go into debt in what most likely will be the middle of an economic downturn.

My biggest fear is that I will be so afraid of any of these potential consequences that I will not commit to any of them. I am afraid I will run out of time.

I oscillate between "I'm only 22, I have plenty of time to figure things out", and "I'm 22, these are the years where I will make decisions that will affect the rest of my life, and I need to act accordingly right now". Am I wasting money by moving out? Am I going to wait too long to make a career change and end up stuck in a job I'm sick of? Am I going to pursue my master's degree and switch careers, giving up a steady job in the process, and graduate in the middle of a recession with massive student loan debt?

Do other 22 year olds think about this the way that I do? Will I look back on my 20s as a 30 year old and realize I wasted what could have been the best years of my life worrying? What about when I'm 40, thinking about my 30s? What about after that?

I'm always looking forward to what I want next, always grasping for accomplishments that are slightly out of reach, and I'm not exaggerating when I say this is what keeps me going. Part of me knows that I have goals I will never reach, but I love imagining the possibility anyways. I like to look ahead at what my life could be if, in a few years, I've met the goals that I've set for myself now.

But—why do I feel unable to start living my life right now? Why do I feel like my ideal life will only "truly" get going once I get a raise, once I get an agent, once I get a book deal, once I get a girlfriend? What am I missing out on, right now?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this—I have always lived my life this way. I have a problem of looking at the big picture too much, but when I look back on my memories that burn the brightest, they're never of the "big things". Two moments from the past few months that stick in the back of my mind include going to a Capitals playoff game in April, and a Khalid concert in July. Both unplanned. One expensive, and one free. Both of these events I decided to go to the week of. I didn't plan them out at all. They were not included in my "big plan".

I didn't need a raise to enjoy either of these moments. The memories wouldn't have been sweeter knowing I had a book deal, or if I was in a steady relationship. I screamed and cheered, jumped up and down, chanted my favorite player's name in a 6-0 win, and went to bed with a sore throat. I sang along to beautiful music, some songs I barely knew and some I knew by heart. I soaked in the hazy technicolor atmosphere and ate popcorn until the kernels got stuck in my teeth and the salt melted into the sides of my cheeks. If I choose to stay at my current job instead of pursing my dream career, will those moments diminish? If I get my master's, will changing careers stop me from doing all the other things I love to do? 

The answer, to these questions, at least, is no. Sometimes, my indecision hurts, as if I can feel my future slipping away as I painstakingly weigh one option over the other. I study budget spreadsheets and watch TED talks and read blog posts, craving direction as if there is one magical answer to it all, as if studying would help me get a passing grade, as if there was anybody actually administering a "test" to me in the first place. 

I think at some point I just need to admit that I can, in fact, overprepare—or at least overthink. It is detrimental. When I studied in school, for AP exams and college finals, I could tell when I had studied enough. It would be 2am, and my eyes were glazing over. I couldn't take in any more of the information even if I tried. After a certain point, I had done all I could do in the moment. What I really needed was rest. 

So, I think that's what I'll do. On one hand, I do need to be prepared. I don’t want to just wander aimlessly through my 20s, assuming that one day I'll just wake up and have some sort of ideal life I’ve always wanted. I actually need to get there, somehow. I can't be passive. But the best I can do is start moving forward, one day at a time, and accept that this is good enough. I can't skip ahead. I won't get some big flashing sign of validation that shows me that what I've chosen is the best possible path, meticulously selected and pursued out of every single outcome that I've ever calculated in my head. But I truly don't think it has to be. In every one of these timelines, I'll have good days and bad days. I'll have moments of victory and regret. But above all that, knowing that I took action and made deliberate decisions for myself will always be a stronger choice than hanging back and wasting time and feeling safe in my inaction. I'm afraid of change because the thought of failure is much more daunting than the thought of things staying the same. I just assume that future me will have it all figured out.

But, obviously, I am future me. And I am present me, and I am the shared and lived experiences of past me. And I've done pretty well so far, so there's no reason to think that all of a sudden I'll ruin my life just because the decisions I may make in the future are unfamiliar, or scary, or not what I thought they would be when I was 15 or 20 or even 22. 

I think I do a pretty good job of taking care of future me. I have a plan—well, maybe too many plans. But I have ambitions, and goals, and I make time for others and also myself. It's a hard balancing act, as literally anyone would say. There's no reason to think that any one of the paths I've detailed out for myself would stop me from loving myself, my friends, my family, or a partner. It won't stop me from experiencing the moments that make me glow on good days or that drag me through the mud on other days, just to make it out okay on the other side. But above all, if I want to find out what actually happens 10 years from now, whether it’s one of the options I wrote out in detail or something I never could have imagined, I have to make one big decision, and that is to get up and go figure it the fuck out myself.

[minimonojoon]

so i was tagged by @kyut-tea (thanks, thanks a lot <3333 i love these games dfkjndgkjdn so much fun dfjgndf) and also made a banner (kyu you inspired me!). i’m tagging @94hixtape , @sleeepysugaa , @wildbeest55, @lady-shurley if you want to do it of course!! if you don’t want to, that’s completely fine <3 

last

- drink: water

- call: 4 missed calls from my dad lmao

- text: a friend on our gc where she showed me her cat (so cute dkgjndf)

- song u listened to: thunderclouds by labyrinth, sia and diplo (my current obsession bye)

- time u cried: this afternoon after a fight w my mom but couldn’t relish all the tears lmao

have u ever

- dated someone twice: nope

- kissed someone & regretted it: no

- been cheated on: no

- lost someone special: yes 

- been depressed: yes lmao i am right now, but trying to figure things out

- gotten drunk & thrown up: yes but let’s say i tried to threw up to feel better but didn’t succeed lol

favorite colors

1. all pastel colors, no matter what

2. warm colors

3. ok yes basically I love all the bright colors ok

in the last year have u

- made any new friends: yes!!

- fallen out of love: nope

- laughed so hard that u cried: oh yes fjgfd

- found out someone was talking abt u: no

- found out who ur friends were: meaning the ones who stick with u no matter what? well yeah

- kissed someone on ur fb friends list: ahah no

general

- how many ppl from ur fb friends do u know irl: most of them?? I only have ppl I know irl there

- do u have any pets: not right now

- do u want to change ur name: no, not really

- what did u do for ur birthday last year: last year was pretty chill, i went out with some friends in our favorite Korean restaurant and then we bought some useless shit in tiger; dfjkgndf sorry but this year was amazing bc I like had three birthday parties in a span of a week and couldn’t be happier, one of the three was a surprise birthday party and my non kpop friends blasted bts for me :’)

- what were u doing last night at midnight: I was watching just between lovers before miserably falling asleep lol

- what time did u wake up today: 8.07 am

- what is something u can’t wait for: get back w my friends, graduate, to move abroad (japan or australia lmao), to lose all the weight I need to, to finally be able to be happy and peaceful with myself

- have u ever talked to a person named tom: uhmmmmmm no

- something that gets on ur nerves: definitely being ignored/not listened when i’m trying to talk directly to you

- most visited website: tumblr, twitter, wordreference lmao

- hair color: brown

- short hair or long hair: short (or medium long lmao)

- do u have a crush on someone: raw nerve djkgdnf but yes

- what do u like abt urself: my eyes and being honest w others lmao

- want any piercings: no, i don’t particularly like them

- blood type: zero negative

- nicknames: let’s say on tumblr my nickname is liz

- relationship status: single

- zodiac sign: taurus

- pronouns: she/her

- fave tv shows: the 100, games of thrones, the good place, basically all the good historians tv shows and comedies along the way lmao

- tattoos: I don’t have one yet, but be sure I already have three I want to be tattoed on my skin eheh

- right handed or left handed: right handed

- ever had surgery: no

- sport: when I was younger my mom always convinced me into doing some sports, I did swimming, gym activities and idk like running and other stuff, but always left then I did dance and now I’m a runner (and I love it!!)

- vacation: everywhere, where there’s something to visit, to discover, to know about that I didn’t before. definitely best place so far visited was netherlands

- trainers: I want a new pair of shoes for running but I have to wait until December for them sob

more general:

- eating: nothing, i fucked up my diet (again) today bc first me and my family went to the beach and eat watermelon then decided at 3 pm that typical southern italian food (which is not light lol) was the best choice for a late lunch ajfknsdfj

- drinking: water

- i’m about to watch: nothing right now, but surely just between lovers or some anime late in the evening

- waiting for: losing all the weight I need to, be self-confident, be happy, to find inspiration again, see my friends

- want: read above lmao plus exercising and finish writing all my wips and post something I (might) slightly like instead of getting angry with myself and quit everything bc it’s bullshit badly written, but also (this stupid but whatever) talk to ppl here and struggle together for anythink, being bts related or writing 

- get married: if it happens, yes. marriage isn’t easy and strong and healthy relationships require patience and willpower (and lots of other things), but I’m willing to do it for the right person.

- career: i’m already struggling right now, i still don’t know what i want to do and that’s making me nervous for when i’ll have to choose my master degree but I JUST WANT A COOL JOB AND MAKE MONEY

which is better:

- hugs or kisses: both, but only from people i really feel comfortable with

- lips or eyes: eyes, if it’s kim seokjin also lips

- shorter or taller: both :’)

- older or younger: don’t care

- nice arms or stomach: idk??

- hookup or relationship: i’m too shy and socially awkward to have a hookup w someone, so…

- troublemaker or hesitant: dkjgnd forever hesitant

have you ever:

- kissed a stranger: HAHAHAHAH nice one but no

- drank hard liquor: yes

- lost glasses: not yet (…)

- turned someone down: yes

- sex on first date: no (and i don’t want to)

- broken someone’s heart: no

- had your heart broken: yes

- been arrested: no

-  cried when someone died: yes

- fallen for a friend: uhm, no, not really

do you believe in:

- yourself: working on it, but currently… big fat no

- miracles: yes!

- love at first sight: i can believe you like someone at first sight for their appearance, but love?? nah

- santa claus: wish i still believe in him :(

- kiss on first date: yes and no? idk, depends on how long you know the person you date

- angels: idk, but if they do probably mine is currently having a break down and any other laughing bc of what i do lmao

other:

- best friend’s name: i’ll say in my native language corresponds to the english daisy (yup, the flower)

- eye colour: brown

- fave movie: harry potter series, back to the future (only the first not the saga!!), the holiday, Dunkirk (I loved that movie), basically any historian well made movie, batman trilogy (directed by Christopher Nolan), marvel movies

- fave actor: BOB MORLEY OWNS MY HEART, also ELIZA TAYLOR my babe, but also Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman and idk, no other name came to my mind

[dynamic-instability]

Hi, I just finished my freshman year in premed and my grades were horrible (like C average) and it was because I'm just not good at science in college like I was in hs... I'm so tired all the time and like I don't have chronic illness or anything and so I know it's not even like what you went through and maybe I'm stupid for complaining but I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've wanted to be a doctor all my life, how do I give up on that dream??

(2/3) I just feel like I’m giving up and letting down everyone who expects things of me but when I think about things like having to get volunteer and shadowing hours I just feel like I’m panicing and it’s just this crushing weight and maybe I’m just not good enough but like how do I give up?? Doesn’t that make me weak?? My grades in other stuff like my history classes and even in calc were good but gen chem and gen bio fucking killed me I’ve always been a good student idk what to do now

(3/3) I’m sorry for sending this long thing that probably doesn’t even make sense and you dealt with so much shit with your sickness and stuff and you got really good grades obviously and I don’t even have anything like that, I’m just not good at school anymore?? I just know I need to make a change if I’m gonna do this premed thing and you’ve had to think about in the past what you’d do if you can’t be a doctor. I guess I just wanted your advice sorry this is so long lol I’m kinda freaking out

Oh my sweet bb anon. The first thing to do is to take a breath. The second thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to me or to anyone. Don’t start down that road of who has it harder and who is overcoming more, because that’s just not a productive line of thinking, okay? I’ve been there, I’ve done that to myself, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Your struggles are your own struggles, and whatever you choose to do, it is valid. It does not make you weak.

There’s kind of a lot to unpack here so I’m just going to do my best.

I think the biggest question you have to ask here is whether you still genuinely want to be a doctor. So you’re struggling in your science classes, that’s okay, some C’s in freshman year don’t have to stop you. Just because your first year was hard, it doesn’t mean it won’t improve, and that’s true for a bunch of reasons. The material, for one thing: I didn’t like gen chem, but I loved orgo, and I know a lot of people for whom that’s been the case (it depends on how into quantitative thinking you are, I think). Also, intro-level bio classes can sometimes be the hardest because you have to learn a whole new vocabulary and way of thinking, but then once you have those skills it can get a lot easier. Also, regardless of your field of study, the first year of college is hard socially and academically, it’s a rough adjustment. I don’t know you, but maybe your mental health suffered from the stress and the transition, or maybe you just didn’t have the study skills yet because your high school coursework didn’t demand them. A couple bad grades does not mean you’re unable to do this.

What worries me more is that you said things like “I’m tired all the time” and “it feels like this crushing weight.” A look back through this blog will tell you I’ve had my share of feeling like this, and that not all of it can be attributed to chronic fatigue. But at least when it came to bio, I’ve always loved the material. Even when it was killing me, I love biology. I love biology and medicine so much that I do shit like writing a completely unnecessary 50-page lit review about cholera. I love a lot of other things, too, like music and history and linguistics, but nothing makes me happy like medicine makes me happy. If you love it and you’re struggling, you don’t need to give up, you just need to find better strategies for doing well. Find a tutor, work with classmates, find new study/organizational skills, retake some courses if you failed them. And there are going to be some courses in your prereqs that you just won’t like (see: me and physics) and that doesn’t have to stop you. The courses you take in undergrad are not necessarily reflective of everything to come. But if you hate science? Don’t put yourself through this. It isn’t worth it.

Here’s the thing. There is such a thing as a weed-out class, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being “weeded out”, so to speak, doesn’t have to mean you’re not good enough, it can just mean that you’re figuring out what is and is not a good fit for you. My friend @carminapiranha went through this her freshman year, suffered through a year of pre-med where she struggled and was miserable before admitting it was not what she wanted. She has a degree in art history, and is about to go get a master’s degree. There was a girl I knew freshman year who was sure she was going to be a surgeon, but she got a D in gen bio 1 because the class didn’t make sense to her and made her miserable. She got an MBA and is making like hella money now. 

You can change your mind, that is a valid decision. It doesn’t have to mean you’re giving up, it doesn’t have to mean you’re weak, it can just mean you’re looking for something that’s a better fit for you. You said you did well in history classes, but did you also like them? What was your favorite class you’ve taken? I know there are some degrees that feel more “useless” than others, and it would be naive of me to claim that that doesn’t matter when college is so freakin expensive, but honestly? Very few people get jobs directly in the field of their degrees. People end up doing totally random jobs all the time. Maybe there’s something else that’s a better fit for you. If there is, you should go and do that!

So I guess my question is this: why are you trying so hard to stay pre-med? Is it because this is what you want and you can’t see yourself being fulfilled the same way doing anything else? For me, that’s the wall I come up against every time I quit being pre-med (which has happened like… three times now?) If that’s the case then maybe look at alternate careers in the medical field (I myself have thought extensively about becoming a genetic counselor–similar academic requirements, but not as harsh in terms of training, and probably not quite as competitive as far as undergraduate GPA), or you can just keep pushing towards this goal and try to find better ways of studying. As for the extracurricular stuff, I would recommend that you try to stop viewing it as this crushing obligation. Find volunteer opportunities that are things you think are cool and that you want to do, not because they’re things that will look good on a resume. View shadowing as an opportunity to see whether various medical field things are right for you, not as ticking a box for some imaginary (or literal) application-strengthening checklist. If your campus has a pre-med/pre-health club, see about going to some of their events or talks. Talk to a pre-health advisor about options and opportunities. Talk to other pre-health people. It’s a lot, being pre-med. I feel the pressure too, all the time, and it can be exhausting, but if it’s really what you want to do, you don’t have to give up. You certainly don’t have to give up this early. You’re only a baby freshman (well, a baby sophomore, now, I guess) (I can call you a baby because I’m 24 and I have a whole degree now, so #dealwithit) (I promise I mean it with love and not condescension). One year of not-great grades is not going to preclude you from being a doctor.

But if the reason you’re so reluctant to change paths is out of obligation instead of an actual passion for the field, then it’s not worth it to keep making yourself miserable. 

Whoever it is that you feel like you’ll be letting down by not becoming a doctor–your parents or your grandparents or your high school science teacher or whoever–you don’t owe them. I don’t know if you’ve got parents putting pressure on you or what, but if you do, just remember that it’s your life and no one has the right to tell you what to do with it. 

Or maybe the person you feel like you’re betraying is your past self, the version of you that’s dressing up as a doctor for Halloween and telling everyone for the past 18 years how you’re gonna be a doctor and sitting in your bedroom watching Grey’s Anatomy and getting all fired up about how that’s gonna be you one day. This is a thought I’ve had a lot over the past six years or so. It’s hard if you’ve identified yourself by this desire your whole life to suddenly imagine being anything else. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but I feel sometimes like I have this 12-year-old Kari in my head and I’m breaking her little idealistic medical nerd heart every time I take a step outside the path she’d have me on. But guess what? You don’t owe your past self shit. Your past self had ideas of what your life would be, just like baby Kari had ideas for what my life would be, but she didn’t have all the information that I have. I know better than she did. You cannot control the actions and the thoughts of your future self, you just have to trust that they are better informed than you are. 

You are allowed to change. Your identity is yours and yours alone to shape how you please. It doesn’t make you weak to change course, it makes you flexible. (And hey, if studying biology has taught me anything, it’s that adaptability is key to survival) (There’s a reason my blog is called “dynamic instability”)

[sofiasmusings]

Did I do it?

Welcome to this year’s edition of “did I do it?” where I look back at my goals from the beginning of 2020 and reflect on whether I accomplished them. It’s definitely been a year. To say it was a rollercoaster is a gross understatement. Sometimes I felt like the world was catapulted into a different dimension all together. So, it’ll be interesting to see what bright-eyed, optimistic, January 2020 version of Sofia had to say:

1. Invest in self care

What I said last year:

This past year, I started investing in things for myself. I got a yoga mat and a foam roller to stay active, Banish Acne and other Sephora products for my skin, and other things. I’m even looking into function of beauty shampoo right now. I used to try to buy the cheapest version of everything (hello, 98 cent shampoo in college), but now I’ve learned that you have to pay more for quality. The tricky part here is that we do live in a world that constantly wants us to spend, which means we should we wise about where we’re investing our money, rather than falling into these traps. I’m also thankful that I even have the means to spend a little more on these types of things.

The verdict:

I definitely did accomplish this goal and invested in myself and my health. I have now been subscribed to Function of Beauty for a year and i have seen a noticeable difference in my hair health. The ~$50 quarterly price tag was a bit uncomfortable at first, because like I said, I was used to spending 98 cents on shampoo. But, it made a different. I no longer have terrible split ends and my hair no longer looks dull. Hair stylists no longer roast me for my super dry hair. I love keeping my hair long, so this was a worthy investment for me. Since the pandemic hit, I also started investing in a home gym--now I have two yoga mats, a kettlebell, ab roller and weights. I was one of those people that thought that if I couldn’t lift heavy weights at the gym, then it wasn’t worth doing anything. This year, I’ve opened my mind to different ways of staying active, and I’ve never felt more strong or flexible. I’ll get more into it in my fitness goal. Of course, with the pandemic and the wreck of the economy, I acknowledge my privilege of being able to spend money on things to enrich my life, and I’m thankful for that.

2. Continue budgeting

What I said last year:

Yesterday, I downloaded the Clarity Money and Acorns applications on my phone. Clarity Money seriously opened my eyes because it linked all my accounts and showed me how much I was spending per month (and if it was over budget) and I can even see how much I spend at specific places. There’s even a way to track all your reoccurring expenses and I didn’t realize that so much of my monthly take home pay were going to those things. I think my biggest weakness is grocery shopping, simply because I like to eat really complicated meals that require a lot of ingredients. I also like to try everything so I end up with a full grocery cart that looks like it could feed a family of four. I’ve been trying to simplify my recipes recently so that I can save some money (but still get all my nutrients). I hate to mention this, but I also have a weakness with clothes shopping...that definitely does not contribute to self-care, most of the time anyway. I don’t need more clothes. This year, I want to increase the amount of money that gets deposited in my savings account, and start investing a bit with Acorns.

So, I definitely became more aware of my spending this year, thanks to Clarity Money and watching some more finance-related YouTubers. I also did open an Acorns account (still debating if I like it or not...or if it’s even useful for me) and have a decent amount of money in there. It’s not a fortune, but I absolutely love the idea of saving without even realizing. However, my budgeting style is a bit more...laissez faire with moments of sudden awareness. Clarity Money has allowed me to always have an overview of my spending habits so I always kind of have a sense on how much I spend each month on groceries vs. car-related expenses vs. online shopping. But I never really put my foot down to actually stick by a budget by limiting how much I spend in any of these categories. I think somehow it works for me because I do prioritize saving. I did increase the amount of money that gets deposited into my original savings account and did a lot of research on high yield savings accounts. In a moment of clarity, I spend a weekend looking at how I spend my money and finding ways to save without realizing that I’m saving. I opened 3 high yield savings accounts (one for a future home deposit, one for my masters degree, and one for fun/travelling) and allocated different direct deposit amounts per account. I researched how much I should have in my regular rainy day savings account. So, while my spending fluctuates from month to month, I am always putting the same amount of money into each of those accounts. The only thing I don’t do is investing, but I’m not sure if I want to get into that although it seems like a pretty smart choice given that I’m young. Sigh. I do need to spend less on clothes shopping because 1) sustainability 2) where am I going to wear these if I’ve been on lockdown for almost a year?? 

3. Embrace flexibility

What I said:

I mentioned in my “Did I do it?” post that while one of my greatest strengths is organization and being disciplined with a schedule, I also panic when things don’t go the way I originally planned. Or when I’m not productive. I’m definitely someone that feels terrible if I lay around doing nothing or if I had things planned but they didn’t happen. For example, if I don’t leave on time to go to the gym in the morning, I panic a bit. If I don’t do groceries on the day I planned to, I panic. If I have to make plans last minute, I panic. There is literally no reason I should panic, but I do. So, my goal is to be more mindful of this and try to keep myself level headed when these things happen.

Ok so this is an interesting one because I’m not sure if I would’ve accomplished if not for the circumstances of this year. This year threw a wrench in everyone’s plans and routines and ways of working and living. My biggest thing this year was to be flexible that nothing was going the way I envisioned it. My workout routine got thrown for a loop. All travelling got cancelled. The way I worked changed dramatically. And...it was fine. While working from home definitely blurred the boundaries between work and personal life, I found that it made me more open to flexibility (mostly because I was given that flexibility as well). I experimented with different routines, whether it was a morning workout one day and an evening workout the other day. Working early with a break in the middle of the day and then working later into the night. Having to jump on later in the evening because of a mini fire drill. Accepting that the circumstances of this year weighed heavily on my mind and that I needed to do nothing. That, for most of this year, our only choice was to do nothing. I learned to accept that it’s not always the end of the world if something doesn’t get done. It’s ok if I want to start my workout at 9 pm instead of 6 am. It’s ok to have those nights where I stay up a bit later playing a game. Overall, I came to understand the value of flexibility--being flexible allowed me to understand myself more and learn what actually works best for me versus deciding what I think will work best for me. 

4. Keep my fitness routine fresh

What I said last year:

While I will still stick to my regular routine (strength training, cardio and yoga), I definitely want to continue trying new things. I want to be able to hold a handstand for at least 10 seconds by the end of the year. I want to be more flexible and have my elbows touch the floor when I do hamstring stretches. I want to be able to run 2 miles straight again. I want to be able to do 10 unassisted pull ups. I want to try barre workouts and more pilates workouts. I can’t wait for it to get warm again so I can start hitting my 10k steps consistently!

This one’s 99% a yes and 1% no. Have I tried new things? Yes. Heck yes. This year, I was able to hold a shaky headstand (not headstand!) for 10 seconds, have my elbows touch the floor when I do hamstring stretches and run 2 miles straight. I’ve tried barre and pilates workouts, I’ve enjoyed the weather on long walks. I am especially proud of this accomplishment: doing yoga for three months straight. Thank you, thank you Yoga with Adrienne. I used to look down on yoga because I thought picking up and dropping heavy weights was enough. But as a very anxious and stressed person that gets too into her head, yoga seemed like the logical thing to start this year. That first session had my legs burning and I was sweating. All from holding warrior 1! Like...this was the girl who boasted about doing 115lb deadlifts (which isn’t even that much lol). While yoga started out as a fitness thing, it’s become a meditative sort of thing now. I suck at meditation but I feel way more in tune with my breath now. I realize that I used to stop breathing when I got stressed, and now I simply let out a long breath and immediately feel better. My mobility and flexibility got MUCH better and I realized that I had been battering my body without giving it time to recover. And, I did a lot, A LOT, of of HIIT workouts. They started out as a way to get a good cardiovascular workout in, but became a way to challenge myself. Shoutout to Caroline Girvan. Actually, shoutout to all the fitness professionals on YouTube that have been posting awesome workout routines throughout this whole pandemic (and for all the previous years before the world turned to YouTube for workouts). I love hearing that the workout’s going to be extreme or intense and being able to finish it. I love hitting new milestones. The reason I say 1% no is because sometimes I think I get too into it and don’t have enough balance so I burn myself out. While walking 10k steps, doing yoga and then a strength training/HIIT routine in one day is my dream, it’s often not realistic for the type of life I lead (9+ hour a day desk job in the Midwest where we have polar vortexes). I’m not trying to make excuses, but I’m still seeking that balance where I dont burn myself out while still challenging myself.

5. Tame my sweet tooth...but in a healthy way

What I said last year:

Last weekend I experimented with baking and finally tried out healthy substitutions in baking. I love myself a good fatty, buttery, chocolate-y piece of cake or cookie, but I also like not crashing from sugar (or getting a stomachache). Instead of butter, I used greek yogurt and instead of sugar, I used unsweetened apple sauce. I baked this double chocolate banana bread and I added dried jujubes and it was AMAZING. There was no added sugar and it was so moist and tasty. The best part is that it fit right into my diet and tamed my sweet tooth. My goal is to continue experimenting with this and incorporate these healthy treats into my diet.

Yes, I definitely did continue to experiment this year! In fact, I made like 100 batches of banana bread during that phase of quarantine. And, each batch aimed to have minimal butter/oil and refined sugar. I went on to make a variety of loaf concoctions (some better than others) and realized that I can indeed satisfy my sweet tooth in a more healthy way. But at the end of the day, I do still love myself a hearty piece of cake or ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie. I don’t think I can ever live a life without dessert or a life with only healthy desserts. And I think that’s ok. I know this because after my healthy baking stint, all I wanted was some real fatty, real chocolate-y dessert items....and I ate them. And perhaps too much of it. So I know that I need balance. 

6. Be productive, not busy

What I said last year:

I like to be productive, but most of the time I just end up being busy. As I wrote earlier, I hate days where I don’t do much. Sure, in the moment it feels nice to relax in bed, but there’s always that looming cloud of anxiety like why aren’t you doing anything with all this precious free time? I have to realize that sometimes resting is being productive because you’re letting yourself relax and you’re setting yourself up for success the next week. Also, while I love laying on my bed after work scrolling through social media, it usually doesn’t leave me feeling that great. I want to dedicate more time to reading or doing yoga at night for a wind down routine.

I still have that fear of not being productive, and I think that’s normal for many people. In fact, I spent most of this morning doing NOTHING and while I feel better rested, that feeling of guilt is still there. However, I have taken steps to doing the things I love instead of mindlessly scrolling (though still very guilty of that since Instagram released Reels). I read more, I did more yoga, I experimented in the kitchen more. But I still struggle with this goal a bit, and it’ll definitely be on my list for next year. 

7. Create content without the pressure

What I said last year:

I’ve been lamenting basically all year about how I never update my art instagram account and then...I don’t do anything about it. I think it’s because I feel so pressured that I have to create something amazing. I freeze up and end up doing nothing at all. I used to draw all the time--I have stacks of old drawings and paintings. I realize I used to just sit down and start creating with no expectations, worries or self-inflicted pressure. I want to get back into that mindset, not only with art but also with writing. I think reviving this blog has helped. Although I know someone might stumble upon this one day, I’m not worried about creating something perfect. I actually look forward to writing on this blog because it’s just me and my thoughts.

So....I think I overcame this with writing as I started updating this blog more this year. I remember how much I love writing and storytelling. I’ve written in my journal a bit more this year as well. But man...art. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve lost passion for it. I definitely have some talent and some skill, but I think I still get stuck because I compare myself to others. And I know that a lot of it is practicing and making mistakes and creating not so great works of art and that most of the time, we’re our own biggest critic. But I still feel like I’m held back. I have created some art that I’m proud of this year and recently updated my Redbubble, but I feel stuck. No idea feels good enough, original enough, executed well enough. If this is my goal, then I need to dedicate time to cultivating my skill. And most importantly, I just need to let go of my worries. There’s no way around it. 

8. Read at least 25 books

What I said last year:

I love books. What more can I say?

I read 16.5 books this year, and I’m not mad. I actually slacked for the first part of the year (I blame the library closing and the acquisition of a Nintendo Switch) but I dusted off my tablet and found the beauty of Overdrive and since then haven’t stopped reading. But alas, I didn’t read fast enough to reach my goal. My favorite books of this year were: The Nix by Nathan Hill and Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh. I definitely plan on reaching that 25 book goal in 2021.

9. Brush up on my mother tongues

What I said last year:

Duolingo here I come!! I’ve been subscribing to more Chinese speaking Youtube channels since I watch so many videos nowadays. I’m surprised as to how much I can understand. Now I just need to do this for Spanish. I’m also considering learning a bit of Korean? Heheh.

Sigh. Oh, bright-eyed, hopeful Sofia. I do have to say that I did do this...for the first four months of the year. I dutifully logged onto Duolingo every day and stayed at the top of the charts almost every week. I started being able to read simple Chinese and understand more conversationally. And then...I don’t know. I fell off the routine. I’m not sure if it was the world blowing up or if I was putting too much pressure on myself to accomplish something, but I didn’t complete this goal to the degree I wanted to. And every time the Duolingo owl stares into my soul from my home screen, a little part of my dies. The intention and desire is still there. And so, we try again. That’s the beauty of life. There’s always a chance to try again (most of the time)!

[antthonystark]

i want to major in psych, i really like it, but idk if i should ... everybody tells me it's an 'easy' 'useless' major and even though i don't agree, idk if it's a good idea ... any advice?

yes definitely! i’m about to finish my 4th year in psych and it has afforded me a lot of perspective that i wish i had at the beginning lol. 

in short, it all really depends on what you want to do with it - and it sucks that you have to make such a massive decision that defines the course of you’re life when you’re like 16 or 17 and applying to uni for the first time, but them’s the breaks on this bitch of an earth lol 

the first thing is, there’s no such thing as a “useless” major, but there are some majors that are more conducive to employment opportunities right out of the gate, and some majors that aren’t, and psych is one of those that isn’t. it still doesn’t make it useless, but it makes the (false and problematic and untrue) model that most people expect life to be like – the “school -> bachelor’s degree -> lucrative job” model – a bit more complicated than most people like. 

with psych, you are almost certainly going to have to do more school if you actually want a career in psych - you can do things like be a counselor or addictions counselor or something like that with a bachelor’s degree in psych, but like i said, there’s not much more that you can do and not a whole shitton of opportunities. if you want to be a psychiatrist, you’re looking at med school, and if you want to be a psychologist, you’re looking at a masters and a phd. most careers in psych otherwise, even including psychotherapists and other careers in clinical psychology, or even research, need at least a masters, if not a phd usually. if you’re willing to go that far with it, then those are some really good careers in the field that might be available to you with more education. it’s not going to be the standard, simpler “get your degree then be an accountant or engineer or computer scientist” route, but if it’s what you love, then it could definitely be more worth it for you than something that you don’t want to do. ultimately, though, if you’re looking for an undergrad degree that gets you immediately and easily into a lucrative career, psych might not be the best choice. (otherwise, i’ve really enjoyed it as a discipline overall, and learning about it has been great as an educational experience.) 

(although, there are also options - you could get a B.Sc./BA in psych and get certified in something like ABA or something which can open up more opportunities for careers in the field, but i’m not well-researched in stuff like that tbh, but it’s definitely something to look into)

another option: double majoring or minoring!! if you’re interested in psych but you’re also interested doing something that might be more easily lucrative or lead to easier employment opportunities, you could do a double major in that thing and psych, or major in that thing and minor in psych. but make sure that thing isn’t something you hate and are just doing for the job prospects, because that’ll just be another whole host of problems tbqh.

otherwise, if you’re passionate about working with people or helping people or stuff like that, and you’re more interested in being able to get a job out of it, you could also consider a college diploma. a lot of the time people have a disadvantaging view of college diplomas compared to university degrees, but dependent on the trajectory that you want to take, a college diploma might suit you more. or maybe not a straight up degree in psych, but university (or college) programs for mental health nursing, or social work, or personal support work, or something like that might be more suitable to you depending on what you want out of life. degrees or diplomas like that are a lot more conducive to actually working with people in a related field to psych (like social work), whereas a B.Sc/BA in psych might put you onto more of an academic/clinical/research path unless you choose med school and go into psychiatry. and i mean, a degree or diploma doesn’t have to be one or the other - you could get a degree and then also diploma to help you be more employable in one particular aspect 

the thing is, sometimes people think that they want to put in that many years into schooling and get their PHD or whatever, and then decide after or during undergrad that they don’t want to - or some people just don’t have the financial wherewithal to do that much school, and both of those situations kind of suck and might not be fully predictable right at the outset of your academic career. so that’s what makes these decisions complicated and difficult.

HOWEVER, if you end up going into psych, and you find that you can’t or don’t want to pursue any other kind of education or certification in psych – getting a degree in a field that you don’t end up working in, or getting a job outside of your field, is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD! i’m most likely going to go into law school after my degree, which isn’t related, but that’s not the worst thing in the world and i’m chill with the decisions i’ve made. because i know that something like software engineering, which might have involved less years of schooling to be successful, was never going to be a career for me. turns out neither was psych, but i figured myself out more or less at this point. so i would advise you not to listen to people who want you to do something difficult or lucrative just because it’s lucrative, and instead try to balance doing what you love with doing what’s practical for your life’s trajectory and your situation - which doesn’t mean doing accounting just because it’ll get you a job, but it’s smart to think pragmatically at the outset as well as following your heart. i think both are important in determining your decision.  

finally, to get a little philosophical and existential because i currently need to be studying for an exam and this is what i’m doing instead,  the thing with life is that it’s interesting and weird because…. we’re all still young and we have our whole lives ahead of us, and it seems like the decisions we make today and in these years are going to completely and utterly define us and set us on a path that we can never, ever, ever turn back from. but that’s not true - if you ask anyone older than, like, 30 and ask them if they’re doing what they thought they would be doing at 17, you’ll often find that they aren’t, and they’re doing just fine. if you start on a path now that you don’t like, there will be opportunities for you to turn back and start over - the world is a bigger place than you think and there are lots of places to begin and re-begin. it, again, might not be the “school -> degree -> career” trajectory that is the conventional wisdom, but to be honest, a lot of people’s career paths are never that straightforward. if you decide to switch your major halfway through uni and have to take an extra year or two as a result, that’s fine. if you graduate and decide to switch fields and go back for a diploma, that’s fine too. it’s REALLY FUCKING HARD to make decisions that decide your whole life when you’re 16-18 years old. these decisions seem binding because that’s what we’re told, but it’ll turn out fine if it doesn’t go the exact way that it was planned. once people start on a path, they feel like they have to see it through, but that’s not the case - if you take a wrong turn, as soon as you realize it, you can still turn back. you might lose time, or money, but it’s better than staying on the wrong road forever. the best thing to do, though, of course is when you hit the fork in the road, you pause and take stock and make sure you’re embarking on the right path in the first place - think about instead of doing the first thing that feels like it’s right or the first thing that people tell you to do. but if you do start on a road that’s not the one you want to be on, you don’t have to stay there forever is all i’m saying.