#also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit

[hxhhasmysoul]

wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.

[annabelle--cane]

I guess the thing that makes me not so fond of Jon's addiction allegory is that it's only coherent to a certain extent? Like I think people sometimes forget that he's actively violating these people

anon, through no fault of your own you have accidentally hit upon my sleeper agent trigger phrase. I have layers of answers to this.

so first off, yeah, it's not a 1:1 direct metaphor, it's a soupy dream logic fantasy plot device with flavors of a lot of different things. there's quite a lot of addiction in there, there's some abuse of power, there's some cyclical nature of trauma, there's a dash of disability, there's a few notes of gendered violence, there's a good bit of just. violence violence and being kind of a motherfucker because goddammit it feels good to be an active agent about something in your life, even if it's just choosing to be a worse version of yourself than you strictly need to be. a lot of tma's worldbuilding is very allegorical, but apart from aspects of individual statements nothing really matches up quite 1:1 with a real world counterpart, and if more things did then it probably wouldn't be a fantasy show anymore.

secondly. okay to contextualize this answer a little bit I have a kind of hypothetical video essay project about vampirism and addiction that I like to spend a few hours thinking about every so often but am almost certainly never going to make because the full research burden required is a lot higher than I actually have the time to properly do. but because of that I've spent a lot of time sorting through why framing vampires as addicts really works for me in a way that it doesn't seem to for everyone, and I think a lot of my thoughts on that also apply to jon. there's going to be a bit of a detour here before we get back to talking about tma, but we'll get there, I prommy.

I've seen a lot of people take issue with various paranormal addiction allegories because, a lot of the time, the act that is meant to metaphorically represent the act of use itself is something that is directly and inherently harmful to others, e.g. drinking human blood, handing over power to your hedonistic Evil alter ego, holding the cursed amulet and going crazy going stupid, slurping trauma out of the head of some guy you ran into on a boat to norway, etc., and yeah, I do get that. substance use is not inherently harmful like that to anyone except sometimes the user themself, and addicts are not inherently fucked up and destructive people; those are dangerous stereotypes that often lead to the demonizing of a whole group of sick people.

here's the thing for me, though: those are definitely truths I want explored and represented when it comes to portrayals of non-allegorical actual addicts, but fantasy fiction isn't for showing the world as it is, it's for showing a subjective fun house mirror version of reality where certain aspects are minimized and magnified depending on how it feels to live through it. and yes, absolutely in real life drug use is not an inherently evil act and it does not make you an inherently evil person, but... doesn't it kind of feel like that? sort of? absolutely no one is living their best life nor on their best behavior while experiencing any kind of major mental illness episode, and when it comes to addiction you've got a very clear tangible symbol of when The Episode is happening that it feels like you have much more control over than when it comes to other illnesses. it's also a thing where people are a lot more likely to be openly angry and distrustful of you if they find out it's happening. so you mix together the ideas of "I know I get worse as a result of doing this one specific thing" + "I act less like myself when I'm using, it rearranges my priorities and I care less about hurting people because that's what happens when you're experiencing The Horrors" + "society at large/people directly around me are pretty quick to say that doing this is evil," and you get the subjective emotional result of "I hurt people by using and it makes me monstrous." I tend to respond to those kinds of paranormal allegories like they're just cutting out the middle man of those subjective fears. "using makes me monstrous" -> "using is monstrous."

anyway. jon archivist.

don't get me wrong, I totally understand if this aspect of metaphor doesn't gel for some people and they only like taking it exactly as far as the text explicitly makes them, but I really get a lot out of reading jon's connection to the fears as addiction precisely because he does genuinely awful things to people as a result of it. he's a person in a very bad physical and mental place with little to no support who is constantly being told by both allies and enemies that he's already a monster just by being alive, and he copes with that by secretly falling further and further into an compulsive act of consumption that skews his priorities and makes him care less about hurting people because at least sometimes getting to be the cause of pain makes him feel a little bit less powerless when he has to be the subject of pain the rest of the time. then he's found out and is made to stop, and he has to grapple not just with the physical toll of withdrawal but with knowing there is a not insignificant part of him that will excuse any act of malice if he knows he'll feel better afterwards.

the end of tma is very explicit in the fact that the rules of its world are shaped by the subjective worst fears of those who live in it, it's "an exercise in unreliably reality" as jonny sims put it once, and I think that principle extends backwards in some ways to apply to the rest of the show. I don't think the fact that there are only entities of fear and not hope or love is meant to be a full commentary on the total nature of the real world, it's a reflection of what fear and suffering can make the world feel like. eric and melanie both go to really harsh extremes to extricate themselves from the fears and live peaceful lives, and in both cases something happens that foils their plans (getting murdered + the apocalypse, respectively), but I don't think the intended message is to say that is definitively how real life works, they are metaphors for the limits of individual agency in larger systems and represent two types of worst-case-scenarios. similarly, I don't think reading jon as an addict implies that addiction inherently involves violence or that the reactions of those around him were completely unjustified, it's just a subjective exploration of the kinds of fears that can come with addiction dialed up to 100.

[weabooweedwitch]

Most women your age are getting married and starting their families and you've never even had a bf 🤡 it's so over for you better get used to coping with ur crippling loneliness with maladaptive daydreaming, yandere asmr videos, drugs and self-insert fanfic because that's all you'll ever have now. Your youth is gone and you're still fat af even after you lost weight (probably gained it all back by now lmao). You could have made something of urself whem you were 20 by losing weight and going to college but instead you laid around and wasted all of your youth and now it's too late. No man will ever want to deal with your baggage of being poor, old, unwanted, uneducated (lmao how do I have more education than you and I'm 10 years younger? dumbass doesnt even have her GED), cringey age-inappropriate hobbies, mentally ill and not even having the decency to go to therapy and take meds, fat, ugly face, loser and loner with no irl friends, crazy family, looking old for your age, whored yourself out on a sugar daddy website, rotten teeth due to your own laziness, thinning frizzy hair and gross bulky glasses, drug addicted alcoholic who's probably going to be homeless for the majority of her life, mean person attacking minor aged rape victims like jesus christ you're so fucking worthless SO many red flags so much baggage no-one will ever want to deal with that. You don't even know how worthless you are

You know, every time you send me a message like this, I think of the person from your friend group who came forward a while back. You know, the one you don't like to acknowledge tried to apologize on your behalf. Anyways, every time you insult my appearance I just think of what your friend said

So i get it sweetie, youre mad at mommy and daddy and you're lashing out. That's why half the time you're repeating things i previously said back to me and parroting shallow insults with a very small vocabulary. The second i call you fatherless, you call me fatherless. I use thw word maladaptive and, suddenly you know that word too and juat HAVE to use it as well. I get it. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

You're honestly just making yourself look so pitiable. You realize you've already painted yourself as such a dumb jackass that every single time you do this I basically just laugh and ignore you, and then people who know me and are friends or WANT TO be friends with me see how you treat me publicly and they all say "yeah wow who's this absolutely demonic little cunt acting like this without any reason". Like. What is the end goal here. Making yourself look as petty and stupid as possible. Meanwhile, what did someone else in your friend group say? The ones you lied to? Including Callie, the actual victim whose trauma you're basically trying to appropriate for yourself

Anyways yeah I just wanted to like show you the actual screenshots of the conversation I had with your friend back in June, which also to everyone else, yeah June, that's when she lied to her own friends and said she would stop doing this. She lied to her friends because all of them told her this was making them massively uncomfortable, so now she's. Being an internet troll in secret behind their backs 😂 they were going to tattle on you to your mom so you lied so they wouldn't check tumblr anymore because you're such a weird angry little freak that this has become a hobby for you

I'm sad? I'M sad? I don't even know your fucking name meanwhile you've scrolled through all of my blogs repeatedly for months cataloging details about me for the sheer purpose of trying to poorly insult me.

Like genuinely 90% of the reason I'm answering this is to basically wave a flag saying "hey everyone if you've ever seen or received weird asks of photoshopped porn of me or pictures of my actual family taken from their facebooks or saw the transphobic racist fake dating profile she made with one of my selfies or you ever received a bitch lasagna or Zalgo text, it was this cringey little lolcow right here"

But I also wanted to show you screenshot proof that you make your own friends super uncomfortable and that they started talking about your personal business to defend me over you. So. Yeah I guess that stings huh?

[donniesexceptionalmind]

Hey, I kind of wanted to rant about something that's been on my mind for ages. Sorry if your not doing asks, I didn't see anything saying you weren't. If your not, you can gladly ignore this. TW:Sewerslide :((

I feel like my mum and step-dad are embarrassed of me for who I am. Btw I am autistic. I do this really weird thing were I eat sandwiches and burgers, were I kind of, deconstruct it? So like,I eat the ingredients in order of what it's made in. I have tried eating it with all the ingredients,but I just feel like I'm going to be sick. They always have to remind me to eat it normally, and make me feel like I'm a burden. Technically, I am eating it normally, because it's going into my mouth, I'm chewing it, and it's going into my stomach 😂 and I just end up eating the burger when I get home, because I'm scared my stepdad is going to shout at me. Nearly every holiday we go on I always do something to get shouted at about. Mostly because of tone. Sometimes my brother does things that really annoy me, like stealing my things, like just now he's stolen my cat laser and is trying to blind me with it. My stepdad was mumbling, "Why isn't she smiling?" And earlier he was blatantly asking my mum why I was sulking when my brother called me dumb and was kicking me for no reason. I'm constantly afraid I'm going to ruin a day out with me feeling sad because of something. My stepdad in the past has made me develop body issues, saying I walked like a boy, I walk weird, my dancing and singing was horrible, and that I ate like a pig. And my mum does nothing. Once he shouted at me for something really fucking dumb and I tried commiting Sewerslide in the bathtub. I'm really sorry for being negative but I feel like I'm just boring my gf with how many rants I'm giving her 😂.

I hope you have a good day, Donnie :))

-Colin✨💻

Greetings, Colin.

You express a lot of the struggles other autistics, neurodivergent otherly disabled or mentally ill people go through on a daily basis. You have my compassion for that. It's not easy.

You are valid just the way you are.

Too me, nothing you do seems particularly weird - well, I am considered weird too (outside the fact that I'm a literal turtle mutant). I could tell you A MILLION things that I do that allistic people would consider weird, crazy or stupid.

Let me tell you something:

If people get upset by you being your natural self & tell you you ruined their day - then they are not worth your time. It's THEIR fault for not accepting you & your autistic traits.

I know by default that our autistic traits can be difficult to face (outsiders & ourselves). That's why autism's a disability.

Your uniqueness should be celebrated. That counts for everyone reading this.

It's really sad that your mum doesn't support you & what your stepfather did to you was unacceptable.

I am incredibly sorry that it made you so miserable.

My take:

Stop. Commenting. On. Other. People's. Behaviour. And. Appearance.

Yes, even though you're close to them.

Yes, even though you care about them.

Yes, even though you think it's weird.

Yes, even though it isn't considered normal in society's bullshit rules.

If it is NOT HARMING someone or themselves - YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMMENT.

AHEM.

I hope you have a pleasant existence.

P.S.: my asks are always open, I might not reply immediately - it can take a few days seeing I am still a busy ninja & a scientist & I also have a private life - but I will reply. If the message is not mean, hateful or anything nasty.

[haleigh-sloth]

I'll take the bait. How is rei's hospitalization not supposed to be something that helped her? The reason she was put there was crazy sure (the one that needed some hospitalization was always endvr) but its not like her kids forgot about her in the end. Also I believe the long time she was there was just for narrative purposes because hrks wanted her to be away.

Sorry I was gonna get around to posting it, I was tired yesterday lol.

I understand it's shown that she got better there. But I don't think enough people understand that 10 years being locked up in an institution is very fucking abnormal.

There is NO type of psychotic break or mental health break down that should lock you up for a fucking decade, unless it resulted in something serious like someone's death. And there is a reason that there is a shift from hiding people away to shifting them back into their community as soon as possible in several countries (not just the US), OR keeping them out of the hospital in the first place with research based protocols. Rei shouldn't have been separated from Shouto for 10 years. That is insane. That literally will make any parent more ill. Every mental health model you read up on will have an emphasis on a support system which usually consists of friends and family.

Endeavor put Rei in a hospital to get her out of his way, not because he gave a shit about her wellbeing.

Idk if Caleb put a twist on this or not, but it doesn't matter because the obvious tone here is "Oh, I got rid of her, she was getting in my way." Not positive. Then:

This is not a happy picture. I mean hopeful yes, but Shouto saying "I'll save her" while she's sitting in this small ass room, alone, staring out a window? I mean this is not...good. TEN YEARS???? I just cannot fucking fathom anyone justifying keeping someone (especially with Rei's circumstances) there that damn long. Holy shit.

And I mean, this isn't even a cultural debate. This is straight up not good for a person's wellbeing, to be separated from the real world, including your damn children only to have to wait for your older kids to decide to come visit you--and only when the hospital will allow it-- for ten years. But if we're gonna talk cultural, look up Japan's average psych bed ratio in comparison to other countries. Their reputation is not great lol. And I've seen plenty of commentary saying Rei's character kinda represents Japan's poor mental health care. It's just commentary so it's not fact or anything, but it's interesting I'm not the only one who thinks this about Rei, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the intention.

BUT, anyway honestly the reason I said that is because I see a lot of "I hope the villains get what Rei got 🥺". And I hate it. Because...she was locked up. Away from her family, no freedom.

Like if the manga is going to go for a "I'll save them no matter what" ending, then why end it by putting them in a place where Shouto felt like he needed to save his mom from?

Also...I mean please. This is shonen, it's a fantasy. We don't have to stick to realistic irl answers to shit. Jail is just stupid, but the hospital ending is even dumber imo. Especially if we're talking ten years like Rei--who was put away by her husband for the purpose of keeping her away from his children.

I mean, let's say we stick as close to realistic as possible without going the jail route--hospitals aren't therapeutic, that's not a healing setting. Mental health care is a community action and the idea is to get people back home with their support systems as quickly as possible. AND! If that's the case then damn, at least show ALL of the UA kids getting their damn counseling sessions too since they've been in two wars? And seen dead bodies of their loved ones? I mean, go all the way with it. But! I have 0% expectations of that happening. So...it's STILL dumb.

Just, I'd rather Horikoshi just go balls to the wall with the fantastical power of love and friendship and acceptance ending. Personally I have no desire to see Tomura or Touya or Toga or anybody end their story in a freaking hospital bed. Just, why. Give them hugs, hold their hands, and send them on their merry, unrealistically sappy way.

[beeben]

So I was going through some Krieg fics on AO3 and found your story "Monstrous"... Fuck that hit way too close to home. It was so amazingly written, I can sympathize bc I suffer with self loathing in my worse times, some of it was like seeing my own thoughts written out in front of me. I'm 1000% going to be reading Paging Doctor Samuels once I get the time to, I can tell its something you've had a passion for based on how much content you have going for it. Keep up the amazing writing 💙

AUUUUUGHHH THANK YOUUU monstrous is honestly one of my favorite things ive ever written like i poured my GUTS into that thing brother. I try so hard to capture him right. Hes always been a challenge for me because of a few reasons, i try to keep his thought patterns as realistic as i can with also acknowledging that hes like. Not normal yknow??? I don't like going oh psycho krieg sane krieg babbling back and forth i dont think real people work like that (even in someone with DID. I don't think he does have DID i just think he has a compartmentalized personality and schizo-affective disorder.) I don't like saying a specific disorder because i think that ties him too much to real life and it devalues people who have like schizophrenia or bipolar or other real cluster b personality disorders.. i dont think its right to add a real label to a character they specifically made to be an ahhh crazy psycho dude...... THAT BEING SAID! i think he (especially in the dlc) is one of the more respectful renditions of a severe mental illness that ive seen and i do want to keep him in that vein of believability.

Him saying "my other self" is referring to what everyone thinks is psycho krieg, but to me when I look at that, its not different from him. He says "my other self" to distance himself from things he finds revolting/stuff hed "never do". I think his body image is one of the leading things that effect this and thats kinda why i wrote this. He looks in the mirror and he doesnt see himself. He sees a thing that someone else made and attached his soul to. a lot of what i focus on with him is the acceptance stage in grief, i think thats the hardest part and people definitely back track a lot.

Hes grieving his past self. Its a big issue for him. He misses something he doesn't remember, and thinking of it for too long scares him. He feels stuck. He feels stupid. He feels like hes lost.

Mayas kinda like an anchor for him. Not in a manic pixie dream girl type of way- i dont think either of them see her as that- but like a support system. Everyone benefits from someone who can ground you during a crisis and i don't necessarily think it has to be a romantic partner but in this case it is, cus she knows him well enough and she sees and can identify the signs of him when hes going through it.

Krieg to me is a very private person. He puts on a persona to people for defense. The fact that Maya can see right through it makes him WILDLY uncomfortable. Cus he's always been taught that in order to be a good partner for someone (a man with a woman specifically) you cant act dangerous or threatening at all to them or else its predatory and youre seen like an abuser. He thinks his whole being is dangerous. Its not really that he struggles with masculinity, thats not a problem for him really its more like hes been told that he SPECIFICALLY is undesirable, he specifically is overly violent, hes too big, hes too unhinged to be in a healthy relationship with a woman. (This goes back further than the experimentation i feel like his mother specifically had something to do with his self image + why he became a mercenary in the first place.)

Maya doesn't care about that. Shes had like . 0000000001% of the romantic/sexual experience that he's had she does NOT know what a typical relationship looks like whatsoever. She doesnt even call him her boyfriend she doesn't define relationships like that at all. They're partners thats what she sees. Theyre equals to eachother. Mayas just as if not more fucked in the head as he is, and twice as dangerous.

She'll support him through anything he needs and she loves him for his uniqueness and his roughness and his WHOLE personality not just what he thinks is likeable about him. His thought process getting with her started as " she can see that deep down im not a monster" to "shed still be there even if i was a monster and still feel the same way" its subtle but its emotionally wrecking to him because that means she's really not there to coddle him. Its not tough love like you and i would say necessarily but he has this image in his head that if he found true love hed go "back to normal" and if he doesn't then hes not trying hard enough. He's gotta accept he'll never be normal and that's completely fine.

With that though comes loneliness. Even if he accepts hes different its still very isolating. It doesn't have to be though, especially in borderlands.

Krieg is still human. Thats probably the most important thing to me. He looks a little funny but his heart beats red blood and his head is full of deep philosophy and love and emotions that only people can experience.

Sentience is a blessing and i feel like he needs to learn that that blessing includes him :) thanks for reading.

[foxfairy06]

HIIIII poookkksss its ollie, u banned me so ill yell at you on tumbllrrr <33333. YOU ARE A JOKKKE. "No cause i literally got diagnosed on the phone but ok hunn go off". okay sure, seriously doubtful because you could lie over the phone... did you know that... bet you didnt. anyway. like thats your reply to what u actually have to do to get a diagnosis, so your over the phone shit is actual bullshit. like its not covid no reason to do that, and also they need to see you in person and have you explain how your feeling aswell as your movements and the way that you respond to questions to get a diagnosis, or they will ask your family and friends or your teaching if they have noticed behavior that is needed for your diagnosis. so BULLSHIT BULLSHIT :333. Telling me to touch grass, god you so basic oml. also calling me a hypocrite when your a literal exclusionist , which you get to decide what is and isnt in the lgbtqia+ community is hypocrisy. from the merriam webster "a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings" and something you said in our messages, "The basis is lgbt topics. It's meant to be a place for lgbt exclusionists to gather" you say you support ppl of lgbtq but if they dont meet your criteria or if you dont think their queer you exclude them. thats hypocrisy. anyway hope you actually get the help you need so you can WAKE THE FUCK UP for you stupidity <3 which i will continue to state because my proof above proves it <3.

-ollie p.s you are still a ball of sperm we all are its not rude its a literal fact

p.p.s if you bring up what i said in the server here is a message i sent to you "i was spewing BULLSHIT" which you know is because i am a troll and i was gathering dirt on you pooks

p.p.p.s i have screenshotted all of out chats <3 karmas a bitch she is coming for you.

Karma for??? Being a good person? I didn't say anything rude, homophobic, or bad to you so you have no actual leverage here. That's like saying "i took screenshots so karma is coming for you<3" to the poor child you just harassed that eas being respectful and kind to you the whole time.

For those who don't understand, green text to the rescue!

> be ollie

> be sitting at your moms computer, bored

> decide your life isn't angry enough

> create an entire Tumblr spewing radmed shit thinking transmeds will follow you

> find a transmed with a server

> start saying super homophobic shit and harass everyone

> get muted for being homophobic and transphobic and harassing people

> message all the mods and call them names for muting your

> admit you were trolling then scream and cry at the owner for being transmed while calling him names and making strawmen and adhominem

> get banned

> still be a pissbaby who can't stop being angry with his life

> decide touching grass is too much

> go leave a novel of an ask under the owners Tumblr that makes several assumptions and zero sense then question their means of diagnosis.

For those who don't have context, i am trans, I am duosex, I went to a therapy place for free, and saw a therapist. He immediately started going through the criteria for dysphoria because I asked but we ran out of time. So I'm getting my diagnosis finished over the phone. It took me two appointments and $0 to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis. So stop acting like this is difficult or hurting anyone.

It's not hypocrisy to provide a safe space for a group and exclude people. You would provide a safe space for enben that has binary people in it? Because they aren't enby. Thus they don't need that space, and could fuck it up.

You're the hypocrite calling me names and crying and screaming at me calling me crazy. Seriously get some help. Therapy is an option. If you don't feel safe in your current mental state you could always check in at an ER and tell them you need help. You could also look around. Many places provide therapy for free. Utilize these resources and stop harassing strangers online. I hope that goes well for you.

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

okay so I know I sent an ask the other day already but I didn't see the ask prompts before and I got excited, you definitely deserve the ego boost so -

6/7/12 - therianthropy was the first one of your fics I read and it was a series of gut punches to read, you absolutely nailed the awful, self loathing headspace that can be built up in defense of a vicious but 'well-meaning' adult in your life, and the constant internal battle from wishing you didn't turn out a certain way, but also it being such a part of your identity that you almost want to feel proud that you 'became stronger' from it, and the almost instinctive revulsion towards your own weakness (and the awful thinking that maybe if you were smarter, if you knew better, if you weren't a child, you could have avoided being what felt like an active participant in your own trauma) - "He hates him, this stupid, sobbing thing, this weak thing, this thing that looked at a painful world and cried over it. He can’t believe how much he used to cry." and "Because the thing is, Foggy’s right. Stick was the worst thing to ever happen to Matt, bar his dad's death. And he wouldn’t change it for the goddamn world." - AUGH there are so many fics/meta with matt that of course dig into disability/CPTSD, and having to perform wellness over seeking help, but this is the first one that put me in a chokehold.

9 - I know I already said I'm on the edge of my seat for the next chapter of toy rosaries (MATT!!!! TALK TO YOUR FATHER!!!! NEOOOOW! also having to be an outside perspective to the hurtful bullshit that matt convinces himself he has to do... chefs kiss) but I'm also fantasizing about the next installment of therianthropy of course. with how you've been writing frank in kintsugi is driving me crazy and I'm so excited to see him in a different form having to deal with Matt basically adopting his daughter out from under him. co-parenting from hell. I'm also giggling to myself thinking about Matt finding out from Lisa presumably, having to walk into the office the next day shell-shocked, Foggy and Karen asking what's wrong, and Matt just having to be like "well... technically. it's a miracle." and then the collective heads in hands once they realize the nightmare situation they're in. (does Matt find out before Frank is arrested? After? Does he tell him then? Does Frank find out somehow first? LISA?????? HOW IS MY GIRL DOING??? AHHH!!!) I'm so fucking excited for the drama

ajkdfa;lnav;daihf;ah thank you so much, you're way too kind

I feel like so much of Matt is mixed up about Stick, because we see when he gets older that he did come to a realization that Stick was not the good guy--the entire "You're a dick" thing--but I think that we also see that Matt does very much enjoy the power and ability that his training gives him. He openly hates being pitied and there's a very visible part of him that feeds on what he's able to do as Daredevil. Like, i think Matt has at least partially begun to recognize that what happened to him was deeply fucked, and that's going to be in conflict with the fact that he really enjoys the product of it.

toy rosaries matt is SO mentally ill he needs time

Frank in kintsugi: i cannot let this dumb asshole near my kid

Frank in therianthropy: this dumb asshole is parenting my kid

It's such a flip-flop. Frank in kintsugi beat Matt to the kid that Matt's desperate to keep an eye on, and Matt in therianthropy beat Frank to his own fucking child. no one's having a good time.

I'm sooo excited to bring Frank into the mix (though we do have a few installments before then--Lisa and Matt need to come to some realizations before they're ready for Frank). It's gonna be so fucking dramatic I cannot wait

[kinktae]

the fact that you will bring up mental illness as your defence but still not try to understand other writers problem is so sad rosie . your readers also read other peoples (at least i do] so i am upset you only think about yourself like this .

u know what FUCK IT this shit is not happening twice to me. do not read if u don't want angry rose!! and if ur anon? please just leave. me. alone.

in 2019 i got attacked like fucking crazy and when I shared how much it affected me bc i have problems with anxiety specific pertaining to my safety (since i was getting fucking dox threats) and a fucking mutual of mine made a vague post saying i was "guilt-tripping ppl with my mental illness." and guess what the fuck ur doing to me now!!! doing the same shit to me!!! do u know how damaging that was for me? someone who already does not open up to anyone??? to be told i cant open up to my readers on MY blog??? this was some real world shit okay. i deadass went to therapy. I'm talking about this affecting my REAL LIFE okay not just some blog on tumblr dot com. I paid real money to fix a real problem that this shit hellsite created for me. How fucking stupid is that!!!!!!!!!!

to this day i struggle feeling like I can't fucking talk about my mental illness bc ppl would think i was using it as a weapon. my anxiety got so bad that to had to drop out of fucking college. even now when smthn is wrong and my loved ones are in person asking me whats wrong i feel my throat close up like i shouldn't speak. i have to FORCE the words out of my throat. This isn't me blaming tumblr for my mental illness. IM responsible for my mental illness. so I've learned to set boundaries.

You don't like how i do my tags? fine. unfollow. block. i genuinely wish u the best of luck. genuinely. i mean that with all of my person. But i will not. WILL NOT. be told that i cant talk about my mental illness?? I AM MENTALLY ILL. ITS NOT A TITLE IF IT AFFECTS HOW I LIVE MY DAY-TO-DAY ITS APART OF ME TF???? what the hell does insulting me in my inbox calling me all sorts of names and sending fucking asks talking shit to other authors have to do with community? fuck that. If that's what this community does, then I'm not a part of it. if i am telling u that i cant handle this conversation nor give u the result u are wanting and nothing productive will come out of it its bc i am setting boundaries and respecting ur time. this sooooo vile i don't even have the fucking words. ill be honest ill have to go back to see what i posted bc i did act on emotion and just rambled but i don't remember dropping "i use tags how i want bc I'm mentally ill!!" anywhere.

All i ever want to do is write. I love bts. I love writing. it is my one true love in this world and sharing it with my readers has given me more than I could ever explain. They are my everything. You guys are my everything. And I'm sorry this app has robbed me of feeling comfortable to talk to you guys about everything.

From now on im won't be answering anything that isn't pertaining to my fics or bts. I'm sorry but when this is just ridiculous. I won't have my happiness and sanity destroyed by this app anymore. This has exhausted me. There's a reason I will never make anymore friends on this app. There's a reason I don't answer pms anymore. Because my best wont be good enough for some ppl and i don't know how to healthy cope with that because GASP!!! IM MENTALLY ILLLLLLLL!!! So the only solution is to no longer engage. I'm done. I'm moving forward from here on out. The tags stay. Anything outside the realm of this blog doesn't exist. Just gonna post my once a year silly little fic and move the fuck on. toodaloo!

[joyboythehopepunk]

mental health daze of a voidpunk

i'm self dx autistic. i def have cptsd, too. i'm brown. and trans. and have no support.

every now and then i'll have anxiety attacks. or my brain will just go "nope" and i'll feel physically ill (nausea, diarrhea, headaches etc). so i call in.

sometimes - most times - it is caused by overwork, stress, built up frustrations.

basically i burn out. i take a mental health day. for my actual health. because it will only get worse.

i need days to recover. to not be around people. to just sleep or eat. especially if my insomnia has been acting up. or my appetite has been fucked up. i weightlift to regulate my emotions. i also have low iron. and sometimes i can't eat. even when i'm hungry. people don't get that. they look at me like i'm stupid.

it's the autism.

and lately... i've been feeling particularly detached and disgusted from the world and by it. and also from people and by people. and i know.. a lot of it is the trauma. but there is only so much i can do. the best remedy for this would be a better world and better experiences with people.

but i've gotten to the point where i don't want to interact with anyone. i only want to find my soulmate. maybe it sounds crazy. or whatever.

but i'm aplatonic. i've never felt comfortable around people. i've never felt.. close to people. not for a lack of trying on either person's part. it's just there's a disconnect there. like a language barrier between our experiences (inner and outer). i've never closed that gap with anyone.

and my recent experiences with people and dating have left me...

wondering if i should bother any more. i feel less like a human being the longer i'm alone. even if i can interact with people better.. eh. maybe i will find a woman who understands. who i find attractive on the outside and inside (and she'll feel the same about me)

but it isn't anything i can go looking for. and it won't happen normally. these are the lessons i've learned thusfar.

and i know that sounds weird. but some people are playing with different rules. you can see how it works in the material realm. but imagine how different it is for people with a spiritual vocation. the forces that move my life are not all the same forces that moves a normal person's life. and i've been shown that too. to my chagrin.

it is more frightening and vexing than anything else. but then there are times when i'm shown i've been protected and.. i don't know.

i kinda feel like there may be hope that it'll be worth it.

[abysslll]

okay hi hello am listening tot he playlist :3 im on the first song and AUGH i am getting hurt/comfort vibes that would dig a deep hole into my chest and haunt me for eternity. i love it. getting like soft between each other but serious on the outside vibes?

Mental Illness

(first luce oc playlist without ajr????????????? what has happened who are you what did you do to luce)

they dont feel like. good enough for each other but they are they really are. "please dont leave" "ill stay as long as you want" "forever is a long time though" cringeass line sorry but it has those vibes

(insert screaming crying emoji right now)

theyre trauma bonded at this point. it Hurts but they love each other so dearly. like theyre literally the fucken world to each other this point and are helping each other get through life.

ohhhhh god like. Slighty (very) codependant (i cant spell??) anyways. I LOVE EVERYEHTING YOU DO WHEN YOU CALL FUCKING DUMB FOR THE STUPID SHIT I DO like fearing abandonment probably both of these characters were forced to grow up too soon

(i am in love with this playlist. metaphorically making out with and marrying it)

The Horrors. Trauma. They Fight Often but its not strong enough to pull them apart. generally feels like a bit of an angry relationship perhabs? rebellion totally i am honestly so surprised that 18 by anabor isnt on here

parental issues. mecore

(SORRY WHY DID I SAY THAT SKDHSKDHSKDHSLDA)

they feel like they can be each other around one another and their relationship feels like sanity, finally. it feels like the world is burning all around them and theyre the safe place where the war cant reach.

again, Mental Illionosi. mental illness hurt and comfort. self destructive tendencies. if you cant tell im listen to agnes right now and screaming and crying.

theyre gonna follow each other into the ends on the earth into apocalypse and war and through life and death and they're just never fucken letting go because this is what love is. and this is sanity, and this is what it means to live.

overall, i love them your honour and Me When. banger playlist im gonna listen to this all day

also they definetly cook for each other. movie cuddle nights on the couch. soft domestic fics are popular for them. also intense angst hurt comfort fics are too theyre probably whumped really hard too. i love they <3

HI IM SORRY NOT ME FORGETTING TO RESPOND TO THIS-

YOU ARE SO VERY CORRECT. LIKE OMG YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH SPOT ON.

they are so so sooooo hurt/comfort, it's insane. yes first luce playlist without ajr i know it's crazy </3 i was considering putting turning out in but it's already in my bruabba playlist and i didn't want to overuse it (despite the fact that it works better for fugonara than bruabba)

they were forced to grow up So Fast, nara was on the streets at 10 and fugo was never allowed to be a child my poor blorbos :((

i have never heard 18 by anabor but i will listen to it asap i may very well add it in

PARENTAL ISSUES. MECORE. AMEN

yes yes yes you're summing them up so well i'm getting emotional just from your descriptions sdkgdslkn

THEY ABSOLUTELY COOK FOR EACH OTHER AND DO MOVIE NIGHTS OMG. I NEED TO WRITE A FIC WITH THAT NOW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE (/lh /pos). you're right though everyone loves writing domestic fluff of them 😭 the hurt/comfort/whump is top tier tho i just recently read this fic where narancia Fucked Up and fugo beat up him to the point that he had to go to the hospital it hurt so fucking bad

love them too <333 thank u so much for listening to this playlist i'm so glad u liked it :DD lysm

[vizthedatum]

Decisions to protect myself

More and more, I am giving myself permission (it was always within my power) to protect myself.

I couldn't when I was growing up with my mom - not even to the police who showed up when she physically abused me so badly when I was six - I didn't want them to take me away - I lied - I kept lying my whole life - I knew she loved me but I also knew what she was doing was wrong - and I thought I was wrong and that I deserved it. I thought I deserved it all. I deeply thought I was stupid and if I tried harder, I wouldn't be such a stupid child. Nothing I did in my life made them think I wasn't ruining my life. They'd mock me telling me how I wouldn't get into community college... and I fucking made it into an Ivy League (I made it broken and shattered but regardless). And now, now that I'm out as trans and completely redefining my life... they think I've lost it.

--

That's it, right?

The moment I show who I am... when it goes against what you wanted me to be, that's when you think I've lost it.

After all the excuses and the effort I put into ALL of you - the moment that I need support... real support, you leave.

I was completely discarded by my spouse and their entire family - FAMILY who I considered my own. They did nothing to help me. My MIL, who I loved, .... she didn't get it. I had to cut off ties with her because she didn't understand why I was calling it domestic violence. I knew she would side with her child so I let her go.

--

What did it look like from the outside??

It's so easy to look at me like I'm crazy, I guess. I'm unreliable when I'm being gaslit and controlled. When I'm pleading with myself that they're not really doing anything wrong. When I only showcase the good and not the bad. See me crying - trying to reason with my abuser who I loved - listen to them explain how crazy and unreasonable I am....

I went to therapy for years. I maintained my friendships. I have documented how physically ill I was - in my medical chart. I was having severe flares. I was having symptoms I couldn't explain. I'd go nonverbal. Sometimes my body would just give up.

I fought for our relationship to the best of my ability until I realized I was in serious danger.

They did not fight for us - they just thought they were right.

They had a six-figure job, kept me trapped within our home due to fear of covid, berated me, denied how serious the emotional abuse was, didn't work on repairing our relationship, did NOT seek therapy or any external help, refused to come up with solutions with me, imposed ultimatums, convinced their ex (babe, you're not a great mental health advocate if you're going around telling people I'm having a psychotic breakdown - bc even if I were, that's ableist! You literally could have done the noble thing and refused to interact with me - but you didn't - you cruelly defended your ex because you sided with them) that I'm making shit up, tried to get me to block my lovers (and they knew about each and every one of them - I did not keep shit from them) despite not blocking their exes, convinced me systematically to let go of friendships and isolate myself, undermined my sense of worth, REFUSED TO GET HELP FOR OUR MOUSE INFESTATION THAT WAS WORSE THAN OUR RISK FOR COVID OMFG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, tried to take my meds away, judged me for being so ill I couldn't do things, threw tantrums when I needed my own space, probably called me abusive when I left food in the sink which I tried so hard not to do (it only happened bc I needed to stage how I did dishes (Oh yeah, I did dishes most of the time because they couldn't - did y'all know that? Did y'all know how much household coordination I did while being chronically ill and in pain? They hated asking for help so I had to either beg them to help me when I was physically weak, pay for people to help, plead/beg for them to allow people to help us, or do it myself) because of my fatigue and illness you ableist dumb motherfucker... and more. And the last time we had sex, it was rape. It undoubtedly was. You had such little empathy for me that you can't even tell. You made my life miserable because I went to MN and left you alone because I had to go help my brother - something you knew I would do in a heartbeat. You denied how badly you were hurting so you hurt me instead. You hurt your best friend and spouse who LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. Look at me now - does it look like I'm having a breakdown? Is my rage all a joke to you? You think I'm insane because you don't think I'm allowed to have my valid feelings? Does it make you happy to know that you destroyed your relationship with your autistic, trans, brown, traumatized spouse who loved you so much? Do you acknowledge that I'm finally able to live my life? I can move more - look at how different I look - my inflammation is down - and I do not care if I am putting myself at covid-risk (I'm vaccinated and more knowledgeable about my risk because I'm a fucking epidemiologist who knows that my social needs are just as important than preventing infection). Do I need to spell it out for you? I tried so hard to diagnose what was going wrong with my life... it was you (and my mom and all my trauma), but acutely, it was you.

And if you had worked on yourself and us - I would have stayed with you forever.

I really hope the divorce gets finalized this year.

Next time, I'm having a prenup, a huge wedding, couple's therapy wayyyy before we get married, an insistence on inner work for the both of us (this is a requirement for all relationships from here on out), and more.

I deserve the fucking world, and I hate that you all almost had me believing that I did not.

[bpdiary00]

Why can't I be normal?

I suffer from bpd and bipolar disorder. no matter how much progress i make i will never be able to be "normal" and that really hurts me. It hurts me that I live in a world where I feel insane and I have to conform to the standards of society or i'll be ostracized and shunned. i sometimes treat people like shit, i tell myself i just can't help it but what if i can and i'm just making excuses for myself and my behavior? i also get mad at myself for crying about things so often and i have these little thoughts in my brain saying "you're just doing this for attention" or "you can stop you just love to make yourself and everyone else miserable" i mean god even writing this i just keep thinking "stop putting on a fucking show, stop telling a story, just feel sad and get over it"

i just wish my mother and i had a good relationship. growing up my mother abused me and i always get mad at myself for saying it was abuse because i was just as bad as her growing up. but she has drilled it into my head that im the abusive, aggressive, crazy one and i don't know if this narative is true. i hate myself so much because i really can't tell if i'm a horrible person because of the way i treat people and have treated them. i try so hard to distance myself from my mental illness and the way my mom treats me currently/treated me growing up, but it's a never ending cycle, it is my own personal hell.

I can never stop being mentally ill. no matter how much therapy i get, no matter how many drugs they give me, i will always be mentally ill, even when my episodes aren't bad, i permanently am this way.

i must be toxic, that's why i have no friends, that's why i drive people away. i know some day my boyfriend will see my mental illness in action and the way i act and he will probably just leave me. he's too good for me. i want him in my life forever but i fucking suck. he always sees the best in me, but idk if he will forever. :/

today I looked at my cat who comforts me when I cry, and I thought wow no one has ever loved me this much, no one has ever sat with me and comforted me like this while I just poured my heart out to them. I love my cat, but he's not really mine. My mom won't let me keep him when I move out and quite frankly I'm worried because I don't know if I can survive without him. it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about not living with him. it might sound stupid that i feel like i can't live without my cat, because cats don't live forever and he won't always be able to be there for me, my mom said this and acted like i was stupid for being so attached to an animal, but i love my cats. i genuinely don't think i'd be alive if i didn't have them growing up.

i just feel like i'll be alone forever, i mean i have people in my life but i think i'm preventing myself from connecting with them on the deepest level because i'm always trying to hold back my emotions.

i need to go back to therapy, but i probably won't :/

[debththrets]

anyways i wanted to discuss something in a conversational way.. it's not happening on edtwt no way. those bitches are crazy. but..

i saw something that said "if you're anorexic, you can't say you're not fatphobic, because you're scared of gaining weight." im not really sure how to feel about this take. obviously being anorexic is a "bit" deeper than just wanting to lose weight. for me it's about Control. fasting all day and only eating parts of my food make me feel in control and safe. watching the scale number go down means i'm in control of myself. if it goes up, it's scary and not what was supposed to happen... anorexia is generally a trauma response or a coping mechanism, not out of hatred of fat people

but i also can't say i'm not scared of gaining weight either. i am, but it's not because i hate fat people OBVIOUSLY. that's fucking insane. but being anorexic for so long warps your perception of reality like a Mother Fucker.. when food is the only thing you feel like you can control- when it's not working- you fucking spiralll bruhhh... in my experience, gaining weight has led me to the worst moments of my life, not because of the sheer fact that i gained, but because i let it happen. i lost control of myself which means i gained weight. i Need the control Back. aka failed recovery.

idk its a weird asf take a saw. they were 14 but like man... anorexia is the want to lose weight disorder but there's so much more to it. anorexia isn't fatphobic- you can't shame a bunch of mentally ill people who freak out and will do everything in their power to avoid one too many strawberries... to call that fatphobic just seems to ignore the nuanced reality of being anorexic. i go through periods where i think "this is stupid. i hate my existence everyday by doing this. i want to eat like normal" and everytime it feels like my life is falling apart when i do bc it's different. it's not safe. i don't know exactly what i'm eating so how can i be sure that it's okay? that it's safe to behave like this?? i sound annoyingly deep but that's how my anorexic experience has been.

i mean, what are you supposed to tell people who are overweight and anorexic? "oh you're just fatphobic" ..??? no??? and what about when they're in a healthier bmi range? suddenly then they Are fatphobic??? overweight people Can be fatphobic i mean objectively someone whose overweight can hate other people for being overweight. but someone being fatphobic SOLELY because they have anorexia?? is a weird take.

tl;dr: anorexia is a lot deeper than "being scared of gaining weight". i feel like any reasonable therapist could tell you that. it's a symptom of anorexia to have an irrational fear of weight gain, but that doesn't make somebody fatphobic. it's not fatphobic to lose weight in general.

uhh i think my replies are off but i don't know how to fix it sorry.... if someone reads this and has some awesome input i'd love to hear other opinions on this. if u can dm me do that i guess if you wanna discuss it philosophy style!! :) my anorexia experience is different from everybody else's, no one has the exact same experience probably.. that's just mental illness.

[000life-is-meaningless000]

Law's are Useless, we don't need Law and Order, We Need Dominance and Supremacy.

The world needs to know that morals are a mental illness, and Extremely Schizophrenic.

We also need to do is to unite, the world also needs a much less amount of people as well too many assholes too many sinners too many fucking heretics the abrahamic faith needs to be completely fucking destroyed and erased and a lot of pagans are assholes.

Satanism needs to fucking die out, the world needs a lot of good things but it can't have any of them because the weak and inferior rule this world they massively overpopulated, even if you had a massive mouse population eventually they would kill all the humans, and then they would die a starvation.

I care not if it's immoral, the world Need's to become a superior place to conquer other worlds and not give a fuck about what anybody thinks, the Creatur's of 🌎 should be superior and women should Devour the life of other worlds and care not for an army should come out of her womb.

baby after baby as the women's stand 9 ft tall and then stand six if not five.

we need a world of worth you know world of value but every time I come with good idea how to make things better or anybody else we are screamed down for being immoral and mentally ill by a society that is insane and weak.

stupid people hate smart people, weak people hate strong people and crazy people hate Sane people.

your moral and psychotic for wanting absolute power on supremacy of the universe, even though we make up less than an atomic fraction of the whole fucking Multiverse, you are an absolute monster for trying to conquer other worlds wipe out other race alien race in the universe and show off your Divinity is Greater than theirs.

🤨 - Oh ?! Ok, Buddy Retard !

Doesn't matter no one's ever going to listen to me no one ever does, if I reading this and wanted to know what supremacy who supremacy I vote for Female supremacy to be honest cuz women are much better than men.

But, Then again that's from the planet I came from Before I was Forced here ( 👽👽👽 ) even though the world was a matriarch and women would slaughter one another for men, and they Were extremely cannibalistic and dominant as fuck it was men that ruled the bedroom even though women would eat the men dominate The Man kill men for fun it did not matter there was so many people on the goddamn world so many insectoids it's only life forms everywhere that the women could slaughter all day everyday and commit Mass genocide and they wouldn't do a fraction of damage in the numbers of the world.

But, that is not here and now.

. . . . . . .

I'm very aware of where I am, I'm so trying to give the truth of the keys of success even though everyone's calling me every goddamn name of the damn book people can't shut the fuck up and people turn their fucking mouth to a minigun and let it rip right at me and fucking hate this world you can when I ever when I get my goddamn way the world actually comes a wonderful fucking place.

there's a reason why Fairyland is Fairyland because insectoids only bred with the absolute strongest and best of their kind and they eliminated the weak if not just cannibalistically devour them that was the women not the men because the women were sacred and the women will worship the men but they still knew that was sacreder !

but the women will still deeply love the man and worship them to in a way.

we also would worship each other's, Ego.

. . .

we would empower one another but the women will all about domination and destruction and devouring all life if not just slaughtering everything in their path but they're Almighty feminate Wrath.

they truly were more violent than Mortal Kombat and I played a lot of Mortal Kombat my fucking life and other fighting games and they were ( the fairy women aka Insectoid ) So God damn violent they made Mortal Kombat look like it was fucking family friendly, and for kids.

🙁

I hate this world that I'm in and I'm on and I don't know if they ever get any better I'm sick and tired of the humans and they're in completely shit for brains, I'm tired of being shun and calling more on evil I'm tired of being called a psychopath and mentally ill I'm tired of all our intelligence Supremes Superior ways that got nothing but good things happen I'm tired of them all being hated by an inferior retarded dumbass race a species that's doomed to go extinct.

A species that's obsessed with their goddamn Light Side it won't even acknowledge their dark side so yet they're doomed to go extinct they will not love themselves entirely only part of themselves when you must love your dark side as much as you love your light side.

😡 - IDIOT'S ! ! ! ! !

But, oh no I'm a piece of shit ?

I'm a bad man !

I'm a real bad man ! ! !

oh God forgive me !

as aliens do the very goddamn thing throughout the universe that I suggested for a fucking supremacy for this world I'm not saying any race I'm not saying really any gender besides female because they need to be fucking Superior they are lacking in so many God damn fucking ways I think all the power and all the strength and all the money and all the resources is just go to the fucking women.

Boost them up and make them God damn Ultra Almighty.

😡 - I hate my fucking life, I just want to go home with things were right and intelligence with bread widely.

wear them with a heart or the morals didn't get in the way of the progress and the success or supremacy and domination weren't dirty words.

for being Almighty and dominant in the universe would understand to be a holy thing for a world that understood that they were a team against the universe and that there is no such thing as a friend out there 🌌

but sadly I live in a world where I can't find the other hybrids of my people 🧚🏻‍♀️/👽/🧚🏻‍♂️

and every time I bring it up people just thinks Schizo.

🙁/😠

i Don't Belong, Here -> 🌎 <- This is Not My Home !

[ilaiyayaya]

Don't mind me just compiling a bunch of unfinished vent drafts into a finalized product ready for purchase~

It's crazy how for the first half, even maybe like 2/3rds of 2023 I felt amazing overall, the novelty of being out of horrible, multiple years-long situation and into a, realistically just kinda average situation, felt so great that it completely carried me emotionally for nearly a year. But ever since around August/September I've kinda slowly been receding back into that same depressive state I was before, my life has stagnated once again, I've traded one set of issues for a completely different, less familiar set, and I don't have any real clear solution for any of those problems that are within reach. Don't get me wrong I'm at the very least not trying to drown myself once per week yet, but I don't think that should really be the baseline of an acceptable quality of life.

I have a job I've very quickly come to hate that's also kind of consumed my life up until very recently, where I've had enough time off to realize that I've made virtually no progress in the last year outside of merely having a job. I've lost a sizable number of friends, in part due to my coming out as trans, and partly due to just a longterm buildup of disillusionment with those around me that just finally reached a breaking point, and some of the few still left in my life I don't particularly want to keep in my life much longer either, and after going several years socially isolating myself, I don't remember how to make new friends, even though I have several avenues to very easily do so if I actually put forth the effort. I likely won't be able to make any progress transitioning for quite a long time, despite deciding now would be the best time to come out for some reason, I still live with my father, and while I've spent months searching for a place to move out to, the renting market is abysmal and most of my prior options for roommates are either no longer an option, or I'm not particularly comfortable living with them now, and despite having a job that provides pretty good insurance, I am still undiagnosed for a million different potential mental illnesses that I should really probably be medicated for because I'm both too stupid and too lazy to figure out how to switch off my parents' insurance onto my job's, and I'm too afraid of hospitals after going probably close to 10 years without going to any doctor, outside of 1 visit to the optometrist 2 years ago after my old glasses finally broke. And I don't even really have much of a reason to change insurance plans right now when with each passing week I'm more heavily considering just quitting my current job, even though I realistically don't have any better options in my area.

So yea anyways life blows I miss my old terrorist friends (dear Tumblr mods; they were not real terrorists, they were merely g*y people on the internet, please do not nuke me thank you). In good news tho someone posted a map of informed consent clinics throughout the US so now I know there's one like 2 hours away from me, and while I'm still probably too afraid to actually go inside one, and also doubt I'd be able to literally just walk in and say "1 girl medicine plz :3" with any success at all, still good to know. I am so on the verge of wasting all of my savings on HRT without the assistance of insurance all for the bit >:). Also started doing 3D modelling again so like that's fun, didn't do that for a long time but now I have both the time and motivation and now I'm gonna make 5 million Veemon models and nothing else I hope Blender Guru dies fuck that guy.

Why is it so fucking big???