#also i just want to stress that this would not solve every problem with st *cough* racism and homophobia *cough*

[cringengl]

I hate to say this, but I think so many of the problems with Stranger Things (not all but a lot) could have been avoided if they had a smaller cast. It grew so much each season to the point where important characters and their storylines were getting neglected just because they have so much to focus on that it just didn't fit

[umbran6]

The Argument Against Caleo

Spoilers up to Blood of Olympus and beyond. Beware! (Or not, the book series has been out for a few years, get over it). I wrote this after seeing a user wondering why people didn’t like Caleo, or in some cases, hated it. Here, I want to explain the answer as much as possible while doling out my own points. 

One of the main grievances I have as a fan of Leo Valdez would be the ship Caleo, or Leo x Calypso. It’s a complicated ship, to say the least, with multiple issues that make me question why people like the ship. And I admit it, they initially had some chemistry, but there’s multiple issues that Uncle Rick produced through making such a relationship that makes it extremely open to criticism, criticism which I will explain through this post.

One of my main points against them is that the ship was created on a very limited time scale. Although we aren’t given an exact date to date of when Leo and Calypso met to when they fell in love, we can safely estimate it to be a week at best. Such a limited amount of time from going through the multiple stages of a relationship already stresses the limits of the suspension of disbelief.

A counterexample would be Percabeth, or Percy x Annabeth. Throughout the series, we aren’t introduced to them being romantically involved until the Titan’s Curse, which was two years after they met. Specifically, this is brought up by Aphrodite, the goddess of love herself. Admittedly, Percy and Annabeth were twelve years old when they first met, when romance was definitely out of the picture, especially with a quest to get the Master Bolt.

However, from there we get to see multiple examples of their character depth, ranging from their respective fatal flaws to their ambitions, hopes and dreams, and their friendship. We get to see the slow build up of their chemistry, which was a really good writing move on Uncle Rick’s part. These characters took their sweet time to get to where they wanted to go, and despite the false romantic lead of Rachel, they still got together.

On the other hand, we don’t see enough of this between Leo and Calypso — we only see one book where they interacted with each other in The House of Hades, and that was only for a handful of chapters. While they are definitely older so they can jump straight to romance (some may say too old, but I’ll get to that) its still a pretty huge gap to jump through without making it stick. This makes it hard to root for a ship when it is built on a rather faulty foundation from the ‘they just met’ to ‘they get together’, especially when they don’t have a lot of events to show their chemistry.

Which brings me to Ogygia, which has raised a few red flags for me when looking at it from a retrospective point of view. Now, we know what the main issue of the island is that the hero who landed on said island can’t leave until Calypso falls in love with them. And we’ve seen this with Percy during the Battle of the Labyrinth, where he lands in the island and Calypso falls in love with him while tending to his wounds from, you know, being erupted from freaking Mt. St. Helens. Needless to say, this falling in love with each other montage happened quickly to the point of suspicion, which sets up the complication that Calypso and Leo might have fallen in love due to magical intervention.

And hear me out, because although this  might be a pretty big pill to swallow, we have evidence for this through Percy. It only takes one chapter for Calypso and Percy to meet, and the next he’s willing to consider leaving Camp Half-Blood and Annabeth behind to live on the island when Hephaestus gives him the choice to leave Ogygia or stay. We don’t even get an explanation on why Percy considered giving it all up just so he can be with her. All we know is, girl meets boy, now they want to live on an isolated island forever. It’s especially absurd considering Percy’s hamartia (fatal flaw) is freaking loyalty to those he loves.  Needless to say, It’s a huge YIKES, especially when we apply it to Leo and Calypso. 

It also raises the possibility that the romantic relationship between them is doomed to failure. And if you guys want to fight me on this, let’s look at Jason and Piper, a couple whose relationship started with a similar foundation. Piper had romantic memories implanted into her brain by Hera through the use of the Mist, while Jason was reduced to a Tabula Rasa (a blank slate for those who lack culture) by said goddess. They broke up before the Trials of Apollo because it was clear that when the dust settled, Piper had been aware that their romance was a lie and that their intentions to stay together was a mix of delusion and pressure from freaking Aphrodite. Leo and Calypso get together under what is arguably a very similar set of conditions if Ogygia’s magic had any influence on their relationship, and that this magic could wear off if given enough time. 

Third, and here’s a pretty big one for me, would be Calypso’s character, mainly because there are a lot of unfortunate implications attached to it. In The Blood of Olympus, she was turned into the divine equivalent of Princess Peach, with Leo being her Mario (except he saves her with a badass metal dragon). Its extremely unnecessary to make a character, especially as one such as Calypso, get  turned into the typical reward of a B-Class action movie. It’s insulting and puts her up as a trophy, a narrative that is definitely not ok by any means necessary.

In another direction, Calypso is also really, really worrying when things don’t go get her way. First, let’s look at The Odyssey, the first myth she pops up. Calypso had imprisoned Odysseus for ten years on her island until Hermes said to let him go, and although it gives them plenty of time to fall in love, it also raises the implications of stockholm syndrome. Then we’ve got the fact that Calypso cursed Annabeth out of spite, implicitly saying that she wished the daughter of Athena would suffer the same isolation that she did, which came to reality when Percy and Annabeth met the Arai in Tartarus. And Annabeth wasn’t even aware that she was still in Ogygia, much less intentionally intervened in the matter. When Percy left Ogygia, rather than be angry at Percy, Calypso cursed Annabeth out of all people to suffer the same loneliness and misery she went through. That’s some Hera at her worst levels of spite. 

Through such evidence we can see that Calypso is extremely wrathful towards those who break her heart even though they don’t want to. It certainly implies that Calypso isn’t in a good state of mind, and could easily repeat said actions if provoked. We could almost compare it to Medea and the original Jason, but at least in that case, Medea has every right to be pissed off at Jason and take her revenge. Calypso’s curse and how she handles things certainly implies a level of immaturity that would end in disaster if they broke up.

One issue that, I’ll admit is more from my personal point of view is that the ship took a lot of Leo’s character and threw it in the garbage in Blood of Olympus. Though we see him do a lot of stuff behind the scenes, the fact that its all for the goal of reaching Calypso just reduced him to someone who is more focused on love than, you know, fighting the evil goddess that was responsible for killing his mom and getting sweet sweet revenge. While the revenge plot can be cliched sometimes, it can be played well, while romance and the typical ‘always save the girl’ trope is just overdone. If Leo had been allowed to, you know, be more focused on other things rather than Calypso, we could have seen a lot more variety in his character.

For example as one of the possible character arcs he could’ve gone through, Leo has always been alone among the couples, often being isolated. Heck, Nemesis herself stated that he would always be the seventh wheel, and that he would never find a place among his brethren. Though some fellow tumblr users have taken this in multiple ways, either saying that he should learn to be happy by himself or that he is socially isolated in the Argo II because of these romantic relationships (I prefer a mix of both). Uncle Rick just giving him a girlfriend seems like taking the easy way out of solving such an issue and abandoning what could’ve been a rather interesting character arc. The relationship isn’t a bad thing if we remove some of the unfortunate implications, but it is a bad way to end what is a complex and realistic problem for a character and in some cases maybe possible in real life.

One more minor but still yikes worthy point is that there’s a huge age gap between them. We’re not talking about the ‘Hazel is 15 and Frank is 17 and in one year that’ll be a problem because then Hazel will be jailbait’ age gap. And even then, we can argue that Hazel is older since she is chronologically ninety-one years old. No, Calypso is older by millennia in terms of mindset and body due to the perks of being a goddess, while Leo is sixteen.

God-to-Mortal relationships are already complicated, even with emotionally and socially well-functioning adults. The fact that Leo is underage, inexperienced with romance (despite his flirting, Calypso was his first kiss), and has been through a freaking ton of trauma in his youth, does not make this okay. At best, they’re both mutually interested in each other but may have different expectations when it comes to a relationship. At worst, Calypso is taking advantage of a boy just so she can get out of Ogygia and possibly dumping him later on like the wrapping of a candy bar. Even though Calypso lost her immortality during The Trials of Apollo, that doesn’t even compensate for the immense age gap alongside Leo’s guilt at the possibility that he might’ve been responsible for her losing said immortality.

Oh, and about Leo... I’m a fan of him, but I can admit that he is in a bad spot both mentally and emotionally throughout the series. He’s lost his mom due to a mix of his own powers and Gaea’s trickery, and never had the chance to fully process that event and come to terms with it. The foster home system alongside his own trauma has forced him to hide his emotions through a façade of happiness and jokes when it’s quite clear to me he needs a therapist, stat. He's also run away from several foster homes, implying this means he was and still is being affected by the event. His mask is still on during The Blood of Olympus considering he hid a lot of things from Piper and Jason.

Speaking about them, not helping this matter is the fact that he’s rather isolated in terms of friendships since Jason and Piper, his supposed best friends are more interested in locking lip rather than, you know, actually hanging out with each other.  He doesn’t have good friendships with the rest of the Seven, and the closest ones he does have is with Hazel and Frank. And even then they start off in the wrong spot since Frank is very insecure about possibly losing Hazel to him during Mark of Athena while Hazel in the meantime, is also dealing with the fact that he is the descendant of her possible boyfriend Sammy Valdez. 

This could indirectly have made him desperate for affection since he has nobody else to confide in during the rest of the series, which is a bad mental state to be in when one lands on Ogygia, the island that we’ve seen could possibly force two people to fall in love with each other. A romantic relationship is not something that he needs or something that will help him in the future. He needs more than that, and having him in one that could end in disaster is the last thing he needs. 

And that does not make him a bad person, much less a bad character. While some who are similarly emotionally and socially isolated may turn to violence or creepy behavior on those they want affection from, Leo does not do that to the other characters. It just means that he as a character needs more time to recover and develop before we go giving him romantic relationships, much less one with Calypso.

That’s not to say that they don’t have some things in common. Both are starved for love and affection, with Calypso being constantly rejected by heroes while Leo was rejected by foster homes and his own family. It’s a trait that they have in common, but it shouldn’t be the only thing that they have in common, especially since it is laced with a trauma that is clear they haven’t had help processing. They need to develop more as characters and as friends before they should be paired together.

So… yeah. The Caleo relationship is, in my eyes, doomed to failure, or at least heavily flawed after taking the above points into account. Uncle Rick, as if seemingly aware of these criticisms, has put the relationship in a rocky place by The Tower of Nero, giving them the possibility of overcoming the above criticisms and their own flaws, or giving fanfic writers an out and pairing Leo with another character or have him single, but happy. Either way, in my opinion Caleo is a bad ship when it comes to how it was created, alongside the flaws and unfortunate implications it has.

While I can see some of the chemistry the ship has, you can’t just use a couple of moments where they get along as evidence that they belong together, especially with the above reasons. That’s like using a band-aid to cover a bullet hole without removing the bullet, stopping the bleeding, and preventing infection. If both characters and their relationship had been given more time to develop, I would understand how they would get together. 

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Antimatter | Spencer Reid x Reader Platonic

WC: 2486

WARNINGS: SPOILERS FOR 13X15, general Criminal Minds things (mentions of violence, shootings, robberies, death, etc)

This is part of my Galaxy Universe (MASTERLIST). You don’t need to read anything prior to this to understand this fic, though it may help! 

You thought your little found family had finally found some reprieve after a long year of difficulties. Spencer was reinstated, Mr. Scratch was dead, Matt Simmons joined the team, and everything seemed like it was returning to your normal crime fighting routine.

As it turns out, you were wrong.

You didn’t think twice about following Spencer out of the round table room. You were loyal to your team, and Assistant Director Linda Barnes was not going to snuff the mojo out of these people that you loved so much.

You caught up to Spencer in the bullpen, where he was shoving books into his bag. He didn’t look up when you slid onto his desk.

You waited a minute before speaking, “what’s our plan?”

“I haven’t gotten that far yet,” you were quick to follow him to the elevator.

“We need to come up with a plan before you leave, Spence,” you knew what he had just done was risky but it was the right move and you stood by your decision to follow him. You also knew that the problem wasn’t going to be solved without some other course of action, however.

“I can’t go back there. I’m not working with her scrutinizing our every move.”

“So don’t. Stay here and figure out how we’re going to get her out of our hair. Emily might know something that we don’t, she just had a bunch of meetings with Barnes, right?” You didn’t like how tense this conversation was becoming. You were currently on the same page as Spencer, that much you knew, but he could read 20,000 words per minute and it was going to take a lot for you to keep up with the pace his brain was working.

“Emily’s suspended,” you could tell he was thinking hard about what steps to take next.

“Go to her place and let her know what’s happening. Distancing yourself from Barnes is the best move before you get yourself fired.”

“What about you?” The elevator dinged to signal it’s arrival. Spencer stepped inside, holding the doors open.

“I’m going to go with the team. We need boots on the ground to figure out exactly what her plan in action looks like. I’ll be a centralized point for info about how she’s targeting everyone and get you it as quickly as I can.”

“Good luck,” he gave you a sad excuse for a smile.

“Go get Emily, I’ll be ok.” You watched the doors close, then walked back towards the round table room. You straightened your posture before opening the door and positioning yourself next to JJ. The rest of the team gave you some very strange looks that you tried to ignore.

“Will you be joining us, Agent (y/l/n)?” Barnes asked, almost as if she expected you to say no.

“I will, thanks,” you showed no weakness, making direct eye contact with her. She didn’t push further, instead confirming JJ’s ‘Wheel’s Up’ and leaving the room.

You spent the entire trip to St. Louis avoiding questions from the rest of the team about what had happened when you and Spencer left the briefing.

In a moment of quiet on the jet, JJ approached you while you were getting coffee.

“Were you able to talk to Spence before he left?” She asked in a hushed whisper, back to the rest of the plane.

“Yeah,” you said slowly, eyes flickering to where Barnes was staring the two of you down, “I’ll tell you about it later, it’s best that you don’t know for now. Trust us on this?”

JJ nodded, “let me know what you need, I’ll make sure it happens.”

You arrived in St. Louis and watched as Barnes demeaned the local PD, undermined the procedural profiling, and intentionally paired herself off with each member on your team. It was only a matter of time before she got to you.

You had been purposely avoiding her, instead collecting tidbits of information from your coworkers about their conversations with her that were unrelated to the case at hand. You intentionally stayed behind to work victimology when she finally cornered you in the conference room.

“You’re loyal to a fault, Agent (y/l/n),” she wasted no time addressing you.

“Excuse me?” You chose to not look up from the crime scene photos.

“Following Agent Reid out of the office this morning was a bold choice,” she tried to assert herself into your space, something you weren’t about to allow.

“I don’t see how my loyalty is a fault. I could see that Doctor Reid was unwell and I wanted to make sure he was ok.”

“You were suspended while he was in prison last year, were you not?” Clearly she had done her homework, although you didn’t like the way she twisted the situation inaccurately.

“I was on medical leave from field work, I still assisted remotely from Quantico and retained all other privileges.”

“Caused by Agent Reid’s arrest?”

“Caused by pre-existing mental health conditions that I’ve been treating since before I joined the BAU. My leave was temporary to help get it under control after the stress of Doctor Reid’s false arrest.”

She was quiet for a minute as you shuffled to the next file. You hoped that she would start asking about the case before you lost your temper, your secret mission would be compromised if you couldn’t keep your head down about it. Her next statement didn’t surprise you, though it came from left field.

“You do know that interpersonal relationships within a Unit are against Bureau policy.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re implying,” you put down the file to finally square up to Barnes. She had seen your file, you knew that much, but you were now doubting how much she had actually read into it.

“Are you and Agent Reid romantically involved?”

“Doctor Reid is my best friend. Last time I checked there was nothing in Bureau policy that didn’t allow that. I don’t appreciate you speculating about my personal relationships when they’re clearly not relevant to this case.”

Questioning your loyalty to the team was one thing, but attacking the most pure thing in your life was going too far.

“What is relevant to this case then, Agent? Your skills must be more useful elsewhere than sitting in a conference room looking at photos. Perhaps a transfer to a tactical unit would be more beneficial to the Bureau?” She finally pushed in a direction you were expecting.

“I would think that the Bureau would be more interested in well rounded agents instead of one trick ponies. I’m building my skillset here, rather than getting stuck in a rut doing tactical work.” It wasn’t completely the truth, just last year you had talked with Spencer about the possibility of you transferring to the Hostage Rescue Team. A tactical position would make sense, considering your strengths, but you had found such an unlikely home at the BAU that leaving was out of the question.  

“You’ve been building your skills here for almost a decade. Why do you think Agent Prentiss was promoted to Unit Chief over you?”

“She was the right choice. She has seniority, as well as a more rounded viewpoint from her other assignments. I trust Emily Prentiss wholeheartedly.”

Just like Matt had predicted, Barnes was trying to pit you against your team, “what about Agent Jareau? You’ve been a profiler longer than she has, do you know why I promoted her above you?”

It was her mistake, honestly. Of all the people who she could try to turn against the BAU, you weren’t a good choice. Instead of falling into her trap, you doubled down, “she’s been with the team longer than I have. Knowing how the team works is just as important as knowing how to profile if you want to do this job right. I fully support JJ as Unit Chief, but that’s not why you picked her, is it?”

“It is not.” You waited for her to elaborate, but instead she left the conference room to talk to Matt. As soon as she left your phone was at your ear calling Spencer.

“She had the nerve to ask me if I was romantically involved with you,” you hissed as soon as he answered. You heard Emily laugh on the other end of the line.

“What’s happening with the rest of the team?” Spencer spoke up.

“She’s trying to push us all out, but keeps denying it. We’re closing in on this case, but she’s stepping on our toes all over the place. She wants to make this a quick close but honestly she’s only making it harder for us to profile this guy. How’s it going on your end?”

There was a pause, which you assumed was caused by Spencer taking you off of speaker and stepping out of the room.

“She’s trying to leave. She said someone had to take the fall for what happened with the Truthers-“

“You’re not letting her, right? Nobody needs to take the fall for what happened, where did she get that idea?”

“Barnes, I guess. I’ll keep working here, keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Ok, good luck.”

Doing what you were doing proved harder than you thought. Barnes stepped completely out of line during the validation strategy, getting the unsub killed when Tara and Luke were completely capable of talking him down. You were fuming but knew you needed to keep your head down as to not blow your cover with Spencer, so instead you tacked yourself to Luke’s side with the knowledge that he would tell you if you were about to do something stupid.

It was the right call, because JJ tore into Barnes on the jet and you knew you didn’t have the authority to add on to it. It felt like a small victory, until Barnes met you all in the office right before you were about to head over to O’Keefe’s.

“Agents Prentiss, your suspension is lifted. You will be reassigned within the Bureau, your new post has yet to be determined. Agent Lewis, you will also be reassigned. Agent (y/l/n), you are being reassigned to lead a SWAT team in the city, congratulations on the promotion. Agent Reid, you will be a full time professor with our exchange program. Agent Rossi, the FBI deeply appreciates your service and the Director wishes you nothing but the best in your retirement. Agent Simmons, Agent Alvez, you will remain here at the BAU. Garcia, your loyalty to the team is appreciated but it feels like a fresh start in a different department would be best.”

She made it seem like your reassignment was a good thing, but that was far from the truth.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer answered his door faster than you thought he would, eyes narrowing behind his glasses when he saw your disheveled state a few weeks later.

“I’m losing it. I’m going to get my whole team killed. I can’t keep doing this,” you spilled before you were even able to step into Spencer’s apartment.

“Here,” Spencer led you to his couch and pressed a hot cup of tea into your hands, “take a deep breath, you’re here with me. Did you just get off of a case?”

“Yeah, a bank robbery downtown. We locked it down but the whole time I was thinking about how it could have gone wrong.”

Spencer didn’t say anything, instead letting you sip tea and breathe for a minute.

“When Barnes reassigned me I thought her goal was to give me a promotion so I wouldn’t want to come back to the BAU.”

“It was, she knows you’re an incredible agent. Any unit is lucky to have you.”

“What if it was to break me though? She’s read my file, she knows my episodes have been more frequent since you were arrested in Mexico. Did you hear about the school shooting that happened last week?”

Spencer nodded.

“I was there, Spence. I was there. And the whole time I was leading the team through the hallways getting kids out I kept thinking about Jack, and Henry, Michael, and Hank. How they could be in that school, how there were already kids in that school that I hadn’t saved. I couldn’t save them.

“When I first started out at the Academy my peers all told me I would head up SWAT one day. I thought it was what I wanted until I joined the BAU. You even said I’d do well on a tactical team a year ago, so I trusted the process and that we’d get back at Barnes but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep having panic attacks after every case. It’s not fair to my team, someone’s going to get killed and it’s going to be my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s Barnes’. Why don’t you take a couple of days off and sit in on my lectures? You can even guest speak if you want, I scheduled an extra day in the syllabus in case I needed to go over any material again but I don’t need to use it.”

“You’re too good at this, Spence. Where’s your mom?” You looked around his small apartment, already starting to feel better.

“She’s in the bedroom resting. She’s liked having me home so much, although she asks me almost every day when you’re coming to visit,” he laughed.

“I’m sorry, I feel like I’m at work now more than when we were in the BAU. I have a newfound respect for every time I’ve called in SWAT in the past nine years,” you joked.

The comfortable silence that fell between you as you finished the drink in your hand was cut short by Spencer’s phone ringing.

“Doctor Reid,” he answered, “Hi Luke, what’s up?”

Your eyebrows smashed together, listening closely to the half of the conversation you were able to hear.

“Don’t bother, they’re with me. We’ll meet you there. Bye,” he hung up and turned to you with a slight frown.

“They have a case that they want us to look at. Barnes won’t approve it, we’re meeting at Emily’s.”

“A secret team meeting?” you stood up excitedly, unable to stop the grin spreading on your face, “let’s go.”

“Hey Spence?” you asked as he got into your car, a small detail of your conversation occurring to you.

“Hmm?” he clicked his seatbelt.

“You didn’t know I was coming over. The tea that you gave me… you made it for yourself, didn’t you?”

Spencer smiled bashfully, “you needed it more than I did.”

“The world doesn’t deserve you, Spencer Reid,” you sighed, putting the car in drive.

Galaxy Taglist: @kermitsaysgayrights @niallthedancingharry @shadyladyperfection @thatsonezesty13 @lexshead @ceeellewrites @howdycharlie @girlycakepops @fantastic-fans @canimarrypizzaornah @daisyflower138 @dyingrexx @taylormobley @tj-drinks-tea 

[leafs-lover]

Because Two People Got Drunk: 9

Series Masterlist

A/N: I linked the outfit in case you’re interested.

Summary: Fred has a game in Toronto so he visits as your due date arrives. You get to meet some of his former teammates and make a decision on your future,

Warnings: Smut, swearing, soft Freddie, oral sex

Word Count: 2,985

November 3, 2021 

 Fred left shortly after breakfast that day. You have sent some messages back and forth and exchanged phone calls once sometimes twice a week. Neither of you have discussed what you thought happened in Denmark, making you think you imagined it. 

He hasn’t brought back up the idea of you moving to Pittsburgh after the baby is born. It would be easier, and during road trips you could fly back to Toronto if you wanted to see friends/family. It would be good for both Fred and your son to have that time early on to bond. But if you do, how long will you go? What if he meets someone and wants to take her on a date, hearing he lives with the woman he got pregnant might be a hard thing for someone to understand. If the situation was reversed you wouldn’t go on a date knowing that, it’s a complicated situation.  

And even if you do go there for the entire leave which could be 18 months if you chose, what happens after that. You have a 1 ½ year old, he can’t fly alone. So you go back to Toronto and still have to constantly fly to Pittsburgh and back during the season. By going to Pittsburgh you aren’t solving any problems, just postponing them, and creating some new ones. 

The season has started, and Pittsburgh is playing the Leafs on the 4th. Fred got permission to fly out the morning of the 3rd and miss the practice to spend time with you. You open the door, to see him in a dark peacoat, grey plaid scarf and toque. He steps in and takes his coat off, you see his tight and toned upper body in a light long sleeve shirt, your breath hitches.  

“Wow you look amazing" he says placing his hand on your stomach. So do you, you think to yourself

“Really? You’re lying? I look like a whale. Everything is sore. My back, legs, feet. Oh my feet are so sore.” 

He smiles and leans down putting his arms under your leg and behind your back, lifting you up as he walks to the couch.

“I’m not lying you look amazing” he says setting you down gently and begins rubbing your feet. “Ohhh" you moan, Fred's eye brow lifts.  

“You don’t see me for 2 months, I hardly touch you and basically have you coming undone.” 

“Pregnancy makes my sex drive crazy, but it also makes everything sensitive. Told you it’s like everything is heightened, all the time.” 

“I think I’m just that good.” 

You laugh as he keeps massaging your feet, applying light pressure to the ball of your feet. “So how are you, apart from sore, how are you actually doing?” 

“Unbelievably stressed. I don’t think I’m close to ready for him, I don’t have any furniture at the other apartment, the movers are coming soon. And I’m due in 14 days so I’m stressed. And there is just questions of the future, having a baby with someone who lives in a different country isn’t the most ideal. How are you doing?” 

“I mean I’m stressed too, a lot going on, a lot to think about. New team and expectations is stressful enough. But I have something planned for today that I think will help both of us.” He grabs your hand and you head down the elevator. He leads you to a rental car, opening the door and helping you in. 

He pulls up to a spa and you look at him. “You have mentioned being sore a few times on the phone, so I thought a pregnancy massage could help. So I booked us a couple massage.”  

“Wow that’s amazing Fred, thanks “  

You walk in the door and they lead you to a private change room. You strip down completely except your panties and place the plush white robe on your body. When you’re done you open the door and enter the treatment room, where Fred is already sitting on his table in his boxers, his robe hanging on a hook. He walks over to you, taking your robe and hanging it beside his. You turn around to head to the bed and his hand reaches out to touch your stomach, he begins stroking it his thumb grazing your nipple sending a sensation down to your core.

“You look stunning, pregnancy suits you” he leans down to kiss your cheek. A smile comes across your face as he takes his hand off and helps you into the table before walking over to his table. You watch him as he walks over to his table, his boxers are tight on his ass, resting part way up his large thighs. You feel wetness pool staring at his muscular back while he climbs into the bed.

You both get a 90 min massage, and it was exactly what you needed, with you dozing off for part of it. 

You return back to your apartment when Fred speaks up. “So some of the guys on the Leafs invited me for dinner, was wondering if you wanted to come. They are super nice, and have a chef coming to make dinner.” 

You are hesitant not wanting to impose, but Fred convinces you to meet his friends. You shower and stare into your closet. You have some nice outfits, but most of your maternity wear consisted of leggings and sweater dresses. Your clothes mostly focussed around comfort and warmth. You finally settle on a pair of maternity jeans, with a white long sleeve shirt. You complete the look with some beige booties and a plaid wrap. You and Fred arrive at Fred’s old apartment building, your soon to be new apartment building. This time he leads you to the 41st floor. The door opens and Auston Matthews is on the other side, the two briefly hug before Fred is practically knocked over by a bernadoodle. “Hey I’m (Y/N)” you say as you step in. 

“I’m Auston, this is Mitch and his girlfriend Steph he says pointing to them. And that guy is Felix.” You reach down to pet Felix as he weaves around your legs wagging his tail. Dinner with them flowed easily, you were originally nervous but quickly realized you had no reason to be. After dinner the chef has left and you are all sitting at the table talking. 

“So are you scared to become a dad Fred?” Steph asks. 

He looks at you briefly before responding “No, not really.” 

Silence falls briefly as you stare at him. “Are you serious? You’re not nervous? I’m absolutely terrified to become a mom.” 

Everyone stares at you for a second.

“Oh thank God” Fred responds. “You seem so confident and together with everything. I thought you wanted to hear I was too. So I lied. I’m scared shitless” everyone laughs. 

“What scares you the most?” Mitch asks.

“Well I think every first time parent has the same fears and concerns am I going to be a good parent, am I going to make mistakes blah blah blah . I think most of those fears get erased in the first month or so of being a parent. But I think my biggest fear is not handling this thing in the best way" he looks to you “the co-parenting with someone in a different country” he finishes.

“It’s a unique situation with him leaving for Pittsburgh and me living in Toronto. Like I don’t know what is the best decision for our son. Like stability and routines are all so important for babies. But that’s hard when each parent is in a different country” you add.

“Have you given much thought into what you will do once he comes?” Mitch asks.

“Yeah I’ve been thinking about it non-stop. I’ve been considering spending part of my mat leave in Pittsburgh. That way when he is playing at home they can have that time together. But I worry about what to do after my mat leave.  It’s just delaying everything. Like are we better off trying to create some kind of a travel routine now and stick to it after I return to work. And in the beginning I’ll be breast feeding so I’ll need to be around but once I’m able to pump enough I don’t need to be and can give him some time alone to bond with him. But what do I do, fly there drop him off and leave? Stay in a Pittsburgh hotel alone, I know nobody there.  And also travelling with a baby doesn’t sound exciting at all. So it’s just a lot to consider and lots of options. And I just don’t know what’s best. I don’t want him to resent me down the line because I made a bad choice. It’s hard" 

Silence falls over the room “sorry” you say realizing you rambled for a while.

“Yeah it’s a lot you are dealing with. I can’t imagine" Steph finally says.  Fred puts a hand on your leg squeezing lightly “we’ll figure it out” a soft smile on his face. 

Later that night you are at your place getting ready for bed. After brushing your teeth you crawl in next to Fred. His hand falls to your stomach as he shifts to put his head just above your stomach as he starts talking to your baby, you run your hand gently through his hair.

“Hey baby boy, I can’t wait to meet you. It would be really awesome if you came tonight or tomorrow while Daddy is here in town” he kisses your stomach. “I just want you to know that things might be a little crazy sometimes, and because I live so far away I might not get to see you all the time, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or I’m not thinking about you.” You zone out as you feel tears beginning to rise, you focus on breathing trying to supress them as he continues talking to your stomach.

“Goodnight baby boy” he says rubbing your belly before kissing it. He crawls up behind you, his hand still resting on your stomach. 

You drift off, waking up in the morning and realize you slept straight through. Fred’s arm thrown across you, holding you close, you can faintly smell his cologne. “Wow I haven’t slept for 8 hours in a long time. This guy doesn’t normally let me” you say groggily.

“He doesn’t’?”

“No he is normally up all night, kicking and moving, he’s a night owl. Since you got here he has been much calmer. It’s like he knows his dad is here and is on his best behaviour.” Fred laughs, rubbing your stomach and leans down lower “you are supposed to behave for mom, we’ve talked about this.” He places a kiss on your stomach, a light moan leaves your lips as he crawls back up behind you. 

You lay there silently, him stroking your stomach, placing soft kisses in your hair. His eyes get heavy as you whisper “Fred?”

“Mm, what is it dear?” he questions weakly.  

“I don’t think I can do this” you say with tears in your eyes. His hand stops as he rolls you onto your back slightly, looking at your face. Concern washes over him.

“Do what? Be a parent? Seems like you could have made that decision months ago. Kind of late to make that choice don’t you think. How can you even think about leaving him?" 

“Noo, no no no, not that!” you cut him off quickly. “I don’t think I can do this without you. I just, I..I uh… I don’t want to do this without you around every day. I need you, we need you.” You look up at him and continue “I want to come to Pittsburgh after he is born and stay with you for my mat leave. I will tell my company I am taking the 18 month leave, and I’ll come down. We both need you around. I was thinking I could stay with you at first and when he is 3 or 4 months then get an apartment and we can do the split custody thing around your schedule.” 

“Just stay for the whole thing, I have 3 bedrooms.” 

“Yeah one for him and the other should be for guests, like your family.  Besides it could be weird if you are on date and have to tell the girl your baby momma lives with you" 

“Well I haven’t talked to them much since Denmark, after you left things got a little intense with them. I’m not ready to talk to them. Also I don’t see myself going on many dates as a professional athlete with a newborn, but if she had a problem with it she isn’t the one for me. How about we see how it plays out, and if it’s working you stay the whole time. If it isn’t we’ll find you a place.”  

He doesn’t let you respond leaning in and kissing you passionately causing you to moan lightly. He takes a finger down into your pyjamas, and strokes over your folds. He slides it in you and begins gently thrusting “oh my god" you scream breaking the kiss. 

His mouth returns to nibble on your ear alternating with placing kisses on your neck. It’s been so long since you’ve felt anything, and your body is heightened and extra sensitive. He slides down your body, placing a pillow in his spot. He pulls your pyjama bottoms off and begins licking up your folds, he uses his fingers to create a scissor and open you up as he sucks lightly on your clit. 

“This okay?” he asks.

A soft moan leaves your lips in response, “good. You taste so good” he says as he dives in further, his nose brushing against you. He increases the pace, slipping his tongue into the mix, his fingers curling inside you. He sucks on your bud his fingers pumping in and out of you.

You feel your orgasm approaching as you squirm, your hips lifting. You grip the bedsheets, your toes curling as Fred continues pumping. He sucks hard on your bud causing an intense orgasm to crash over you. You lay there as his pace slows but he doesn’t stop. He finally pulls out his fingers and wipes his hands on your bed. He removes the pillow replacing it with his body, your head falls back onto his shoulder and he leans in to kiss you. Your juices still fresh on his lips, he pulls away slightly but still close enough for his beard to tickle you.

“So, I bought a book on sex positions for pregnant women” he whipsers.

You laugh “oh really?” 

“Yeah… I mean I wanted to make sure you had a good time obviously, but also that you are comfortable. I know this” he rubs your stomach “can make you uncomfortable and can make certain positions not as enjoyable. We tried a few out before leaving. There is still a few we can do if you are up to it.”  

“Yes. I’m definitely up for it” 

“You sure? I don’t want you to be too uncomfortable.” 

“I won’t be! I have wanted to do this since I opened the door yesterday. Then I saw you in your boxers at the massage; I almost jumped you then.” He leans his head back laughing. You continue “besides some people believe sex this close can help kick start labour, and others believe it can help with pain during labour. Make it easier to push a baby out if you aren’t so…tight.” 

A grin crosses his face as he pulls his pants off and pumps himself a few times.

As he is lining himself up you question “do we need a condom?” He looks at you questioningly “I don’t know if you met someone in Pittsburgh… you’ve been gone for a bit.”

“Just you babe, just you.” With that he pushes in gently as you lean your head back onto his shoulder.  

You’re lying on your left side and he slightly bends your right knee, and places a pillow under your stomach.

“Good babe?” 

“Fred fuck. I need you.” he pulls out and pushes in fully “bad" you practically screaming the last word. 

Fred keeps pulling out and pushing back in but at a slow pace. You know at this pace it will take a while for you to reach your high, but he doesn’t want to push you too hard. He pulls out and as he is pushing back in you force yourself back bottoming out “faster.” 

Fred reaches around you placing a hand on your clit and begins playing with it. He keeps pulling out and pushing back in but his pace is starting to quicken, you groan “yes.” He leans forward and kisses your shoulder. You feel yourself getting very close as Fred’s hand continues to apply pressure on your clitoris. You grind back on him searching for your high. Fred continues his pace, you feel him becoming sloppy behind you as you become undone gripping the bed sheet as your pussy clenches around him.  

He bites your shoulder as you feel his warmth fill you up. He lays there still inside you for a few minutes as you both catch your breath. A hand comes to your chin and turns you to look at him, engaging you in a soft but passionate kiss. He eventually pulls out and wanders to the bathroom starting the shower. He carries you into the shower, helping to rinse you off. 

Outfit

Next Chapter

[mhdiaries]

Wave 2 Frankie Stein Diary

The 15th day of September

Watzit got into big trouble today while I was at school. Somehow, he got into dad’s lab and snuck out with apart from one of dad’s projects. Good thing mom was looking out the window and saw Watzit trying to bury it. Dad was still pretty amped up by the time I got home. “That animal is too smart for its own good – I’ve got a good mind to replace its brain with a sheep’s or one from a soft sciences professor.” I think Watzit just misses me when I’m at school so I’m going to start getting up extra early to take him for a longer walk before I leave. Hopefully that will help – otherwise I’m going to have to kennel him during the day = (.

The 24th day of September

I used to think that being the “new girl” was the hardest thing about going to school but now I’m thinking that being the “not so new girl” is kinda hard too. When I was the new girl and I did something dumb everybody said, “You’re new – don’t be so hard on yourself – you’ll get the hang of it.” My friends have also done a lot of things for me, which is good and bad. Good because it kept me from embarrassing myself, and bad because there are some things I didn’t learn to do on my own and now everybody expects me to know those things and when I mess something up that I should know it’s like really, really embarrassing. Like I never really paid much attention to where my classrooms were when I started at MH – total brain short on my part I know – but it was just easier to follow Draculaura or Clawdeen and because they always insisted on showing me around I didn’t really learn they layout of the school. So yesterday we were on our way to class when I totally got caught up in a zombie flash mob and when I finally got away, I was in a part of the school I didn’t recognize and totally lost. I thought if I peeked into one of the classrooms that maybe a teacher could help me. I saw this big iron door and was about to open it when somebody behind me said, “That wouldn’t be a good idea.” I nearly jumped out of my stitches. It was Spectra Vondergeist. She said, “Oh, it looks like I frightened you… good.” Then she pointed to a sign above the door that read, Basement Levels, “Now unless you have a ball of twine or a Minotaur in your pocket you probably don’t want to go down there – follow me.” I followed her down the hallways listening to her stories about MH. They were all interesting but they kind of all were starring her. She did get me back to class though which was really nice of her. Of course, I was really late, and the teacher wanted to know where I had been – I said I got lost, the whole class laughed, and I got detention because the teacher thought I was giving her attitude. After class Ghoulia showed me how to GPS all my classes with my iCoffin so it wouldn’t happen again – oh well, just another lesson for the “not so new girl anymore.”

The 25th day of September

I went to breakfast with my dad this morning, which was scary fun although I didn’t think it was going to be at first. See, he goes to the same die-ner every Saturday morning and has breakfast with the same group of monsters and mad scientists. Mom said he’s been doing it for years. I asked her if she ever went and she just laughed. “I don’t take your father with me to shop for shoes and he doesn’t take me when he gets together with his friends to solve all of the world’s problems.” “Why not?” I asked. Mom gave me a hug and said, “Because my love, there are times when practical advice can just take all the fun out of life.” Then from behind us I heard dad say, “Unless it comes from your parents and then it is to be heeded at all costs.” Then Dad rushed us out the door because he wanted to make sure we got there before the banana scary pancakes ran out. I said, “I’m not a little girl dad, I can eat grown up food you know.” “Of course, you can my dear, but who said I was thinking about you?” Dad’s friends turned out to be really nice and pretty funny for a bunch of monster geeks especially when they started telling stories about dad ;). I could see that they all really like him though and since my dad has a very self-decapitating sense of humor it made the time totally fun. I don’t think I’d want to get up early every Saturday morning but I’m glad I got to see that my dad can be a regular monster too. Hey, who knew? Oh, and the banana scary pancakes? Definitely worth getting there early for.

The 1st day of October

My stitches are still coming loose at exactly the wrong time. Dad ordered some special monstertanium thread that he said was stronger than dragon’s breath and would totally fix the problem. Yeah – not so much. I was standing on a ladder in the gym helping Draculaura hang up a banner for this week’s pep rally when Clawd and some of the football team walked through wearing their game day jerseys. One of the guys on the team is a gargoyle from Scotland who has the dreamiest accent and the most scary handsome crystal grey eyes. I said hi to everybody by name but when I got to him, I totally blanked. I just stood there absolutely mortalfied and finally called him by her jersey number… “7” … lame I know… but then the rest of the guys started teasing him and I got so anxious that my arm fell and then the rest of me fell too. I don’t know how he did it but somehow “7” caught both my arm and me. All the guys started clapping and Clawd said, “How come you don’t catch like that at practice?” “7” was talking to Clawd but looking at me when he said, “If the passes ye threw were as pretty as this lass, I’d nay drop another.” At least that’s what Draculaura said he said. I don’t remember anything after I feel off the ladder except strong arms and crystal grey eyes.

The 7th day of October

Fear Squad practice was terrible today. Cleo was totally impossible to please, and we started and stopped several times before she finally just cancelled practice altogether. Then at lunch Purrsephone, Meowlody and Toralei were all saying that it was because of the blowup that Clawd had with Spectra and the rumor was that Cleo was going to break up with Deuce, Deuce was going to start dating Operetta and Clawd was definitely back in the picture with Cleo. I was really bummed cause they’re all my friends and I didn’t want to have to take sides. I saw Lagoona later and asked her what she thought about the rumors. She asked me who was spreading them and when I told her she just laughed and said, “Not every seagull that yabbers has found a fish.” Coming from Lagoona that somehow made me feel better, confused but better.

The 12th day of October

Monster Heritage Essay by Frankie Stein

That’s all I’ve written so far but I’m really excited about the assignment cause I’m going to get to learn so much scary cool stuff about my classmates. I thought that for part of my heritage research I would read that book that was written about my parents, but I couldn’t find a copy of it in the house. I asked mom why and she said the author had taken, “certain liberties with the truth” but if I wanted to check out a copy from the library, she would be happy to answer any questions I had. When I asked dad about the book, he used an expression I’d never heard before, but I guess mom had because she made that noise in the back of her throat that means some monster is in trouble. Dad hung his head and looked kind of creepish for a bit until mom stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. I don’t need to read a book to find out about my monster heritage. I get to see it every day – how scary cool is that?

The 16th day of October

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed we were planning to have the scary best dance ever until an evil teacher cancelled it and we had to have the dance in a secret location under the school. Everything was going as planned when this strange monster in a shiny suit with lots of hair appeared and started yelling that this was his dream and we were going to start over. I totally jumped into another dream but the only think I remember from that one was the intense feeling of being a stranger. It must have been stressful though cause when I woke up, I was upside down and one of my arms had fallen off. No more ghost chili pizza for me before bed.

The 24th day of October

I met a new ghoul today! At least new to me = ) Her name is Abbey Bominable and I think she’s really sweet even if she does take a bit to warm up to. Anyway we were waiting in line together at the creepateria and she was asking the lunch ladies to explain what was in the food. The line started to back up and some monsters were yelling at her to hurry up. I think she was starting to get frustrated so I told her to go with the screechza since it was pretty easy to recognize most of the stuff they put on it. She gave me a look so serious that I thought I had said something I shouldn’t have but then she smiled and thanked me. We sat together and I learned that she lives in the mountains about the school, loves to snowboard and that her first language is Yetish. She said she could understand what was being said most of the time but that the slang kept tripping her up because it was hard not to take everything literally. I told her that sometimes I still did the same thing. Then I told her that I would help her with her slang if she would teach me how to snowboard. She thought for a moment and then said, “I think that would be the cool that is scary.” Hehe I bet she learns slang faster than I learn to snowboard = ).

[mfingenius]

Hello! I love your page! I was just wondering if you could maybe do something about Harry and Draco being auror partners and Harry gets badly injured? Thank you!!!!

“You’re kidding,” Harry says skeptically.

Draco glances at him warily for a moment, before turning back to the muggle brothel they’re supposed to be keeping an eye on; they think it’s a cover for a potions dealing ring that they’ve been chasing for a few months, and they’re so close to solving the case that Harry already feels the rush of magic at his fingertips.

“Of course not, Potter,” Draco says. His cheeks are the slightest bit flushed. “I hardly think that’s a common experience.”

“You hardly-” Harry squints at him. “Every Auror has done it, Draco! It’s a – a rite of passage! What else did you do when we were just out of training and you were sent on the boring stakeouts where nothing happened?”  

“My job.” He says pointedly.

Harry huffs.

“Wait,” Draco says, turning back to him. “You mean you and-” he looks horrified. “Griffiths?”

Harry grins, abashed. Adam Griffiths had only been his partner for a few cases, before him and Draco had been partnered up; it had been complicated, at first. Harry still hated Draco then, and the git hadn’t made it any easier. He’d walked into their shared office with his long eyelashes and mouthwatering arse, and Harry had thought that maybe he could ignore everything else about him. Until the git had opened his mouth.

They’d spent the first three months of their partnership arguing about every little detail, fighting more often than working on the cases they got. That had all changed when they’d been tasked with finding the remaining death eaters. They had had to work together for three days straight – practically living together in their office – and in that time, Harry had learned more things about Draco than he ever thought he would.

After solving the case, they’d gone out for drinks, and had somehow ended up snogging in the back of the bar.

Working together hadn’t been very hard after that.  

In fact, they’d sunk into an easy partnership where it became evident that Robards had known what he was doing when he’d paired them together; they completed each other perfectly, work-wise.  

Draco was much more cautious than Harry was, and often stopped him from doing reckless things, helped him stay out of his own head after someone died and Harry blamed himself for not being able to save them. In return, Harry seemed to… soothe Draco. Harry had never noticed before, but Draco is a ball of pent-up nervous energy; his mind works too quickly and in ways Harry can’t quite understand – he truly doesn’t get how Draco gets from one point to another, doesn’t see any sort of logic in it – and it tends to lead to too much tension, anxiety.  

Harry has developed what he calls the Malfoy-Anxiety scale. First, is bouncing leg. Second, biting knuckles, third is mouthing his thoughts without actually saying anything out loud, four is chewing at his lower lip, and five is scratching at his forearms.

If they get to number five, Harry knows to remove Draco from the situation entirely, because it means he’s about to get unbearable and most people can’t handle him in that state; the last time Harry ignored the scale, one of the Junior Aurors ended up in tears – to be fair, he had made a very stupid mistake that had lead to their witness being killed.

Harry doesn’t quite have that problem; he’s learned how to calm Draco down before that happens.  

“He was hot,” Harry shrugs. “And we were bored.”

“But - but-” Draco evidently doesn’t know what to say. His face is redder now, and Harry grins, making Draco throw him a glare. “This is not polite conversation, Potter.”

“Oh?” Harry raises his eyebrows. “I thought we’d passed polite conversation after my tongue was in your mouth.”

Draco turns redder and pinches Harry’s thigh, making him yelp. “Don’t be crass.”

They don’t mention this, at least usually. After that first time, it’s become a sort of tradition. They always end up at Harry’s place, snogging fervently on the sofa, Draco’s hands in Harry’s hair, and Harry’s hands on Draco’s arse. They’ve never gone further.

The first few dozen times, Harry had tried to convince himself that it was just because they were both single and their job was stressful; solving a case is always a major high, so it makes sense that they’d want to celebrate, right?

That excuse had quickly gone out the window when he’d walked in on Draco brewing a potion they needed for a case. He’d been wearing the biggest pair of glasses that Harry has, to this date, ever seen, and they made his eyes look absolutely huge, his irises lighter. Harry had wanted to wrap him in his arms and keep him safe for the rest of their lives.

Still, Harry’s an expert at ignoring his feelings; he’s, since then, simply shoved his feelings for Draco to the back of his mind and ignored them, convincing himself that he’s happy with snogging him after cases.  

His feelings will go away.  

Probably.  

Possibly.  

Probably not, but Harry doesn’t know what else to do.

It doesn’t help that Hermione keeps trying to set them up, as if Harry doesn’t have enough trouble with this as it is. She won’t stop talking about how much of a beautiful couple they would make, how they’d be perfect for each other – after getting transferred, of course, because you can’t date your Auror partner, Harry - as if Harry doesn’t already think about it without her saying it.

“I’m not crass,” He says, waving it away. “And anyways, Robards isn’t here. He’s not going to find out. In fact…”  

He trails off, raising an eyebrow and gesturing towards his lap.  

Draco frowns. “What?”

“Merlin, you’re clueless,” Harry breathes, rolling his eyes. “I’m asking you to come over here, sit on my lap, and let me song you.”

“Potter,” Draco hisses, cheeks immedately turning scarlet.

“What is it, love?” Harry asks, smiling. “Too forward?”

“Yes.” Draco snaps. He shifts lightly, rolls his eyes, and then crosses his arms, huffing angrily. Harry observes all of this with a very amused look, and, finally, Draco purses his lips and glares at him. “If we miss something-”

“I’ll take full responsibility for it, love,” He says. Draco doesn’t move, and Harry raises an eyebrow. “Scared, Malfoy?”

“In your dreams, Potter.” Draco says, and moves carefully to straddle Harry’s lap. He’s still red – he always is, when they’re about to do this – and he wraps his arms around Harry’s neck hesitantly.  

Harry smiles, encouraging. He places his hands on Draco’s hips to pull him closer and makes the first move, pressing his lips softly against the blonde’s. The kiss is immediately returned, and it’s not long before Harry’s kissing Draco’s jaw and his neck, loving the low, shy moans.

He turns his head to kiss the other side of Draco’s neck, and catches sight of Allison Jones, the leader of the Potions ring, walking into the brothel.

“Fuck,” he groans, when Draco pulls at his hair and trails soft kisses down his temple and the side of his face. “We need to – stop, we have to stop.”

“Why?” Draco asks, and he sounds so indignant it’s adorable. Harry – briefly – considers ignoring Jones just to keep doing this. It’s very tempting, and also incredibly unprofessional.

He rests his forehead against Draco’s shoulder and presses soft kisses to his collarbone.

“Jones just went into the brothel.”

“Jones?” Draco asks, frowning. Then, “Allison Jones? The leader of our potions ring?”

“Yes.” Harry says.

“Fuck, what are we still doing here, come on,” Draco says. He opens the door and scrambles off Harry’s lap – very nearly kneeing him in the stomach – and gets his wand ready. Harry climbs out after him, casting a notice-me-not charm over the both of them.

“Ready?” He asks.

Draco nods, and Harry pulls him into a deep kiss before they go in.

*

It happens quickly. Draco’s defensive spells are flawless, as usual, but he makes a mistake; half of his mind is in what he’s doing, the other half is wondering what that kiss outside meant. Him and Harry have been snogging for almost a year now, but they’ve never talked about what it is they are. Draco’s been secretly in love with Harry since the first time they snogged. Otherwise, he wouldn’t do it.

He’s being terribly improper; he knows better than to snog people he’s not dating, specially if they’re Harry Potter. He’ll end up breaking his own heart, and he’ll have no one to blame but himself.

It’s what he keeps repeating to himself when a spell shatters his shield, another, blue-lighted one hitting Harry’s back on the next second.  

Panic seizes him.

*

When Harry wakes, everything hurts. There’s a steady beep from an active pulse-tracking spell, the one in all the St. Mungo’s rooms, letting him know exactly where he is. He sighs lightly without opening his eyes. Fuck, what happened?

“Harry?” Draco’s voice is anxious and alarmingly unsteady. Harry opens his eyes, immediately catching sight of Draco. He looks terrible. His eyes are red-rimmed and his nose is red. His clothes are rumpled and there’s a thin blanket on the chair he’s sitting on, leading Harry to believe that he’s been sleeping here.

“Hey,” He says. “Are you alright?”

Draco looks at him disbelievingly. “Am I alright? I thought I’d - I thought you’d - fuck. Are you alright? I was too late, I couldn’t - you were bleeding, and I couldn’t - we’ve arrested Jones, it’s over, but I couldn’t be there, I needed to be here in case you woke up, and you’re up, are you alright?”

He’s never seen Draco quite this anxious. He’s not even scratching at his forearms anymore, but he looks more terrified than Harry’s ever seen him.

“I’m alright,” he says. He pushes himself up and grimaces, and Draco immediately frowns disapprovingly, calling for a nurse.  

Harry bears the checkup silently just so Draco can have some peace of mind; the second the nurse assures him that Harry will live – it was a variation of the Diffindo charm, and though it caused Harry to bleed heavily, he’ll be alright – Draco seems to be able to exhale.

“I’m alright.” Harry repeats, because Draco’s pacing. “It’s alright.”

“It’s not.” Draco snaps. “I - I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Harry tells him. “These things happen.”

“They shouldn’t.”

“Come here.” Draco doesn’t move, and Harry rolls his eyes. “Come here.”

Draco walks towards him hastily, as though he might somehow harm Harry just by being around him.

“It’s alright,” Harry tells him. “I’m alright. I’ll be fine. The healer said so, didn’t she?”

Draco nods stiffly, and then his shoulders slump and his body seems to go lax; he looks exhausted.

“I was terrified,” he whispers.

Harry swallows.  

“I - I can’t keep snogging you.” He says. It’s not what Harry expects.

He swallows as his heart begins to beat faster. This is going to be it, then. “Oh?”

“I can’t.” Draco repeats, in a whisper. “I - I care too much, and I know it’s just fun for you and it’s not your fault. I didn’t realize what it – what it meant for me, and-”

“What does it mean for you?” Harry’s heart speeds up for another reason now. Could it be? Could Draco return his feelings.  

Draco looks pained, and he rubs at his eyes. “Forget it. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll – I - I’m sorry Harry, I’m so, so sorry-”

“Draco,” Harry says firmly. Draco doesn’t listen, muttering apologies under his breath and scratching aggressively at his forearms. “Draco. Love.”

That seems to get his attention.

“You don’t call me that unless we’re about to snog.” He whispers.

Harry swallows. “I’m sorry, too. I should’ve said something earlier. I – it’s not fun for me. It’s not just fun for me. I want more. I want you. I want to date you, for real, not just snog. I want to take you on dates, and watch films with you.”

Draco seems to be speechless.

“I’ve wanted it for a long time now,” Harry admits. “And - if you want it, too-”

“Of course I want it!” Draco bursts. His cheeks go red, and then he speaks lower. “I - I’d really like that, Harry.”

Harry smiles. “I’m glad to hear that.”

He pushes himself up to pull Draco in for a kiss, and then immediately clenches his jaw as pain burns its way through his shoulder.

“When I’m better, though?” He grimaces.

Draco laughs breathlessly. “Alright. When you’re better.”

So they sit there, hands joined tightly together.

————————–

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Commissions

[rucbarthatbowtiesarecooldw]

Sunday Afternoon Session

Oh Say What is Truth

Softly and Tenderly

 Henry B. Eyring

“Of course it’s hard! It’s supposed to be! Life is a test!”

We are being proved to see if we will do what God has commanded

They love you..Your success is Their success

God has the power to make our way easier

He knows that we must grow in spiritual cleanliness and stature to be able to return to Him

In all things the Saviors example will be our guide

When you remember how much pain you can endure well, Remember Him. He suffered what you suffered so that He would know how to lift you up.

1 way will be to invite you always to Remember Him and Come unto Him

Feast upon His words

Faith unto repentance

Baptized and then keep covenants with God

D&C 58:4

When we lift another’s burden even a little our burdens are lightened

We must notice the suffering of others and try to help

Jeremy R. Jaggi – seventy

The day dawn is breaking, the world is awaking, the clouds of nights darkness are fleeing away

Count it all joy (James 1:2-4)

Let your trials work for your good

Of all the zealous social, religious, and political endeavors of our day, let ‘disciple of Jesus Christ’ be our most pronounced and affirming affiliation.

When we exercise patience our faith increases. When our faith increases, we have joy.

Where we make sacred covenants, the temple, is closed. Where we keep sacred covenants, our homes, are open.

“Be of good cheer” is the commandment from the Lord, not be of good fear

Hear, hearken, and heed the voice of the Prophet

Gary E. Stevenson

is something the Lord gives us to help us grow

God wants us to know that He will never abandon us, he will always be with us

We can help each other know that we can be blessed during adversity

Temple ordinances we have missed seem sweeter than previously imagined

Go forward and not backward and on, on to the victory

Acknowledge the afflictions in the course of our days, while also acknowledging that we are God’s children

I believe that one day, each of you will look back at the canceled events, the sadness, disappointments and loneliness attendant to the challenging times we are passing through to see it overshadowed by choice blessings and increased faith and testimonies.

He is my Savior, my redeemer, my hope, and consolation

Milton da Rocha Camargo – Sunday School 1st counselor

His impressions are really

He who seeks will find

We seek because we trust the Lord’s promises

Communication with our Father in Heaven enables us to sort through what is true and what is false, what is relevant to the Lord’s plan for us and what is not

To knock is to act in faith. When we actively follow Him, the Lord takes notice

I am here. I love you. Go on, do your best. I’ll support you.

He may not answer all of our questions or solve all of our problems right away; rather, He encourages us to keep trying. If we align our plan with His, He will guide us

 Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah

 Dale G. Renlund

Salvation is not earned

We can never do enough or be enough by ourselves. The good news though, is that because of Jesus Christ and His atonement we can become enough

We can be redeemed and stand pure and clean before God

Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly before God (Micah 6:8)

Do justly is a practical application of the two greatest commandments

Broken heart and contrite spirit entice us to joyfully repent

God delights in mercy and does not begrudge its use

 Leviticus 19:18

Always dealing well with others is part of loving mercy

When you become a physician you work to heal people, if you do otherwise you do not deserve to be here

Loving mercy means that we do not just love the mercy God extends to us, but also the mercy He extends to others

You shall not esteem one flesh above another Mosiah 23:7

Treat everyone with love and understanding regardless of characteristics such as race, sexual orientation, religious affiliation etc (I missed the rest ahh)

When ye do these things, you are on the covenant path

Kelly R. Johnson – seventy

What power and knowledge are you endowed with and will yet be endowed with?

Power of God is the power to do more than we can do by ourselves

Burning microwave ahahahahaha

Those who have faith and the word of God deep in their hearts will be able to absorb and overcome the fiery darts which the adversary will surely send to destroy us. Otherwise, our faith, hope and conviction may not endure, and like [an] empty microwave oven, we could become a casualty.

His power diminishes in our lives only if we fail to keep our sacred covenants

et a clear unchanging course in your life

There is no expiration date associated with the power God bestows upon those who make and keep temple covenants, or a restriction from accessing that power during a pandemic

Jeffrey R. Holland

Why the delay of help to come?

while we work and wait together for the answers to some of our prayers I offer you my Apostolic promise that they are heard and they are answered though perhaps not at the time or in the way that we want it but they are always answered at the time and in the way an eternally compassionate parent should answer them

he who never sleeps nor slumbers cares for the happiness of his children above all else that a divine being has to do

He is pure love gloriously personified and Merciful Father is His name

yes God can provide miracles instantaneously but sooner or later we learn that the times and seasons of our mortal journey are his alone to direct

for every infirm man healed instantly as he waits to enter the pool of Bethesda someone else will spend 40 years in the desert waiting to enter the promised land; for every nephi and Lehi divinely protected by an encircling flame of fire for their faith we have an abinadi burned at the stake of flaming fire for his; and we remember that the same Elijah though in an instant called down fire from heaven to bear witness against the priests of baal is the same Elijah  who went through a season when there was no rain for years and who for a time was found only by the skimpy sustenance that could be carried in a raven's claw -  by my estimation that can't have been anything we would call a happy meal

he point is that faith means trusting God in good times and bad even if that includes some suffering until we see his arm revealed in our behalf

one’s life cannot be both faith filled and stress free it simply will not work

Christianity is comforting but it is often not comfortable. the path to holiness and happiness here and hereafter is a long and sometimes rocky one it takes time and tenacity to walk it but of course the reward for doing so is monumental (taught in Alma 32)

a call for diligence and patience in nurturing the word of God in our hearts, waiting as He says with longsuffering, for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you

when will these burdens be lifted? well the answer is by and by and whether that be a short period or a long one – it is not always hours

by the grace of God the blessings will come to those who hold fast to the gospel of Jesus Christ

those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength and shall Mount up with wings of Eagles they shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint

Russelll M. Nelson

the Lord wants you to feel we live in a glorious age foreseen by prophets for centuries. this is the dispensation when no spiritual blessing will be

the Lord would have us look forward to the future with joyful anticipation

let us not spin our wheels in the memories of yesterday the gathering of Israel moves forward

The Lord Jesus Christ directs the affairs of His church and it will achieve its divine objectives.

the challenge is to make certain that each of us will achieve his or her divine potential

turn your heart mind and soul increasingly to our Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ, let that be your new normal

daily seek to be increasingly pure in thought, word, and deed; minister to others; keep an eternal perspective; magnify your callings

whatever your challenges live each day so that you are more prepared to meet your maker

Tarawa, Kiribati; Port Vila Vanatu; Lindon, Utah; Greater Guatemala City, Guatemala; Sao Paulo East, Brazil; Santa Cruz Bolivia

as we build and maintain these temples we pray that each of you will build and maintain yourself so you can be worthy to enter the holy temple

I bless you to be filled with the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ. His peace is beyond all mortal understanding. I bless you with an increased desire and ability to obey the laws of God. I promise that as you do you will be showered with blessings including greater courage, increased personal revelation, sweet harmony in your homes

 God Be With You till We Meet Again

[thewayiremember]

EPISODE 3

July 7, 09:50 AM

           All packed up. I checked twice if I hadn’t forgotten anything but I'm sure by the time I get home I’ll notice that I hadn’t, of course, packed everything. Happens every time. I just hope it’s something I won’t miss. To not my surprise at all, my blood test results are fine, so my mom can pick me up a bit earlier than we planned. Luckily for her, because that way she won’t be late for work.

           As much as I’m eager to leave this place and hopefully not be back any time soon, I have to admit I’ll be very curious about Nathaniel’s recovery. I hope he wakes up soon and goes to Australia just like he wanted. We were friends while one of us was unconscious, would we still be friends if we got to know each other? Would Bobbie and Nicole like him?

           I already have two friends and I think that’s plenty. Sometimes, when the three of us are not together and I discuss something with one of them, I need to have the same kind of conversation with the other one the next day. It’s a waste of time. But who am I trying to fool? Friendship is not really what I have in mind, is it?

           And yet I felt like leaving him something as a gift would be a nice gesture. I thought for a while what it could be, but since I didn’t have that many things to give away in the first place, I grabbed my notebook and a pencil and put it on his bedside table. I asked my mom to buy it for me when I decided to start writing this journal, but I quickly figured that a laptop and a phone are a lot more convenient. I left him a note saying it’s a gift for keeping me company and that dr. Gramm says that visualizing your thoughts helps with the way your brain works. I didn’t write down my name. Take care, buddy.

11:15 AM

           “There’s leftover spaghetti in the fridge if you’re hungry,” said my mom, before she left for work. I microwaved it immediately after she closed the door. It’s good. Hospital food wasn’t that bad, but I missed something with fat.

           I’m very proud of myself that before I wound up in hospital I had this unexpected urge to clean up this room. I can’t imagine coming back now to its usual form, which is just like everybody else’s room, but upside down. It’s a little dusty, but hey, dust never bothered me anyway. I also already wasted water on taking a bath, making sure I’m a big part of climate change. And people say I’m irresponsible. I’m responsible for global warming! Checkmate.

           Okay, I need a plan. Bobbie and Nicole are coming in less than an hour and I still haven’t told them about anything and I don’t know how to do that without making a big deal out of it. My face looks roughed up but I swear it’s not as bad as it seems. On a logical level, of course, I know it’s a big deal for them. They’re my friends, obviously, they care. And yet every time they do care and they do worry it makes me furious. And one thing I know is that I can’t control my emotions and I tend to be very hard to stand in those moments.

           Bobbie and I have known each other since 1st grade and he is my best friend. He’s the most beautiful and kind-hearted soul on this planet. How on earth does he put up with me? I have no idea. I don’t think he has one corrupted molecule in his body, which I’m pretty impressed by after all that time he spends with me. He’s very understanding and I know I don’t have to worry about him pressuring me into something I don’t want to do. Like remembering, for example.

           Nicole, on the other hand, I can already hear saying “If you don’t find out what happened, I will.”. I have to ask her if she realizes how dramatic she really is sometimes. But it is my body and my memory, Nicole. You don’t have to always be adventurous Mrs. Smith who must solve the case shooting the UMP-45 all the time. She hasn’t said it yet and I’m already mad.

  THE PLAN:

Open the door like nothing’s happened. Like my face isn’t purple at all. “Hi, guys! Long time no see! What have you been up to? I need to know everything! *then I point at my face and say* What, this? That’s nothing, not even worried about it. The doctors said “Ian, you have nothing to be stressed out about, you are perfectly fine. And you tell your friends when you’re finally reunited that everything’s good, thus they shall not worry. And doctors know better so you can’t argue.”

Stop turning everything into not-funny jokes, sit down with them, and acknowledge the fact that they simply want to know what happened. You’re adults, you can handle talking about emotions, without being emotional.

Now go find some snacks before your guests arrive, like a good host you are.

  1:10 PM

           This journal is slowly becoming like some influencers’ Twitter account, where they can’t go on with their lives without updating what’s going on every 5 minutes. Well, this is the closest I will ever get to feeling like a celebrity, so let me shine.

           Dear Diary, I just wanted to update you, that nothing went according to my very simple plan. I know! How could anybody mess it up? Well, I’ll tell you all about it when I’m done hiding in the bathroom and contain my very human emotions. Talk to You later! Oh, and I promise I will never call you a Diary again.

  8:30 PM

           They already knew what happened because they came to visit earlier that day. Apparently, they wanted to surprise me in the morning but of course, I wasn’t home and my mom was the one who opened the door. She had no way of knowing I hadn't told them, but she had the opportunity to confess to me. In the car for example. I’m not upset with her, but I am upset with myself for acting like a child and not just telling them. Like every normal person would do. The goal was to not make a big deal out of it, and I made it the complete opposite.

“You say it’s nothing serious, yet you lost a part of your memory. Sounds like a pretty serious injury to me,” said Nicole, and I could tell she was being suspicious of my truthfulness. And she was correct since I’m still not sure I want them to know about the part when I travel in time. Again, I want to be a dentist, not an actor. I’m not that good at lying.

“Look, Nicole, please don’t try and make me all freak out. Can we just talk about your trip? How was camping?” I tried to change the subject.

“But don’t you want to know who did this to you?” she wouldn’t give up.

“No, to be honest, I don’t. I’m glad I don’t remember. Do you know why? Cowardice. I’m scared, Nicole. I’m not you, I don’t usually face fear, you know that. It’s easier to move on that way, I can’t cope with nightmares that I’m pretty sure would occur the second I remember.”

           And that’s true, I am a coward. And although I know that everybody deals with their problems they’re own way and not everybody has to be brave or be the hero in the story and that there’s nothing shameful about it, sometimes I do wish I were a little more like Nick. She gets things done. She doesn’t run. I mean, she does, she gets her scholarship from running, but she doesn’t run away from her problems. She solves them. Just like that.

           I’m spending the night at Bobbie’s. Like most of the summer nights, probably. And if I’m not at Bobbie’s, Bobby’s at mine. Some things never change. It’s not as easy for Nicole, because she doesn’t live just across the street as we do from each other, so she went home. I’m finishing the last French toast we made earlier as I’m waiting for Bobbie to get out of the shower, so I could go. What’s taking him so long?

  11:50 PM

           I woke up looking at Bobbie’s concerned face. He came back to the room and found me already asleep, but it was still early for him so he just lied down and started reading. He noticed I was acting weird but didn’t interfere at first. Not until I woke up screaming.

“Are you ok? Who’s Nora?” he asked.

“I… don’t know,” I lied to my friend yet again.

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Blood, tears and sea breeze

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 4: Him, really?

Harford exited the interrogation room to meet Ellie, after a hard she wanted to believe she finally was getting somewhere in earning back her trust, and that's why she had questioned so hard this suspect, she needed to prove she was not soft nor naive anymore.

"Did she said anything interesting?" Ellie asked offering her a cup of tea.

"Her name is Ashley Langford, 34 apparently they have been friends since they were little, they lived next to each other from 5 to 18, and then together for a couple years when Langford quit school, Y/L/N leaned her money to start her restaurant and basically she loves her" She said reading her notes, frowning since there was something off in her story but she couldn't figure out just what, or maybe she was being paranoid, overanalyzing everything trying to be a little more like their mentors.

"Did she say anything about the victim?" Ellie asked looking from the window in the door, the woman was gorgeous, long brown hair and well kept figure, and was dressed as a business woman, didn't look like a Deli owner for her.

"Yes, she started crying when I told her he was dead, she said she last saw him last Monday, the night before he left for London, she and her brother have dinner at Y/L/N's house and she went to pick her up the next morning because he wouldn't be able to do it. But since he was asleep she didn't saw him, but he texted her on Thursday night" She show her a phone in a plastic bag that she had taken from the woman.

She is going to get hurt, please don't do that and just take her home.

"Apparently he didn't like her taking his fiance drinking and going out" Miller said remembering what Y/N had said about that night.

"Apparently not, and then she said she was supposed to drive her to the train station last afternoon but she wasn't at work, she doesn't seem to know anything more, but then again is not a lot to question her yet." She didn't mention how she haven't like the woman and simply take Miller's praise on her job.

"Well done Katie, send her home, we will be in touch if something else come out" she said and Harford nod and leave. Ellie started pacing around the office for half an hour until finally collapsing on her desk, trying to get some sleep. Then around 5:00 am her phone went off and she took the call from the coroner and after a couple minutes she was rushing back to Hardy's office to wake him up from his couch.

"What the hell Miller?" He said grumpy standing up and searching for his glasses to look st the computer where she was looking at the report. "He died strangled, is he sure?" He was shock to see the report but didn't actually doubt of the doctor's opinion.

"I just talk to him, he puts the time of the dead at some point between 10:00 and 2:00 am on Friday, and he also said the cuts were made after he was killed" she stated thinking how that technically doesn't exonerated Y/N since she leave the bar with Ashley at 1:30 am.

"What is that, traces of latex in the genitals and evidence of sexual activity pre morten, so he was cheating on her?" He said with some disgust in his voice, he was also thinking she was innocent and for some reason the idea of this guy cheating on her sick fiance didn't sit well on him.

"That's possible, also he found partial finger prints around the neck, so whoever did this was big enough to subdue Jonathan and strong enough to strangle him" She said, and for some reason she couldn't help to think about the crushed ring.

Since they couldn't keep Y/N there for much longer without an actual cause they chose to split to corroborate her alibi as soon as possible, so Miller went to talk to Paul and Hardy make his way into the city to find Dr. Florence as soon as the sun started rising.

"Alec, your appointment is at 1:00, what are you doing here?" Said the woman once he knocked on her door at 8:00 am. "I mean I'm glad you choose to come back, please come in"

"This is a work visit" He said simply, entering her home office and finding a place to sit, he had been seeing her since Daze left for college, and his problems to sleep and coping with Miller dating Brian started getting between his job, it was relaxing talking to her, even when like the previous week she stepped out of line saying things like he hold on too much to his past, or that he had a fear of intimacy. "I need to ask you about one of your patients, Y/N Y/L/N"

"Oh dear, you know I can't tell you or anyone about my patients treatment or condition, if I could I would have a long talk with detective and Miller ages ago" She said smiling, and then stood up to bring him a cup of tea "Unless of course I would be concerned about their being a risk to themselves or others, but in the particular case of Y/N that's not the case, she has a clinical condition that makes her vulnerable under stress but as far as I'm concerned she has not violent or criminal tendencies." She said calmly avoiding sound condescending since he heated it.

"Do you know her fiance?" He said, taking one of the biscuits she had put on her coffee table.

"Of him I can talk" She said rolling her eyes, an expression Hardy have never seen. "He tends to be completely out of place, always tries to make me tell him about what she says in therapy and since he insisted in increasing her visits he even wanted to be present on every session, I tried to make him understand that his attitude doesn't help a perso with anxiety, and even when he means well he could be smoldering with her at times, but before I keep talking, why exactly are you asking about her?" She said casually, like she always did when she tried to make him talk about uncomfortable subjects.

"We found Jonathan Norbury's body last night and I need to rule her out as a suspect, I'm tracking back her steps, I'm telling you this hoping you would be discreet about it" He said and she couldn't hide her surprise with the information and immediately stood up to look for something in her desk.

"Thanks for trusting me, here since is such a delicate situation I think I can give you this, they are obviously not useful in a trial and are for your eyes only" She said giving her a set of printed pages dated from the last two weeks. "This is a very detailed journal I ask Y/N to do after her last absence two weeks ago in order to force her to avoid her missing details about her life and being able to identify every possible mental lagoon, she send me a copy every night and I print them"

He left the office not without promising her he wouldn't show those pages to anyone, not even Ellie, and he could understand, it was no prove of anything unless he assumed everything Y/N said was the truth and he was under no circumstances doing that, but might as well help him understand what kind of person she was.

A ring from Ellie got him out of his thoughts, she had spoken to Paul and her story check out, and if there was anyone in Broadchurch that he was inclined to believe was the priest.

"He told me something curious" Ellie's voice said from the speaker "Apparently they were a couple at some point"

"Him, really?" He said out of impulse

"What, you found funny someone would date Paul?" Ellie laughed, and he let it slide because they were both tired.

"No is just, is strange, when was this?" He asked putting his mind back in the case.

"A few years before she even met her fiance, and he keep being a good friend of hers, so not much on this end, what about there? Did the doctor said if she is violent?" She didn't knew he was seeing her and he was not interesting in letting her know yet.

"Not really, no. Just what Y/N told us, we are going to have to let her go" He said looking guilty at the diaries. "I'll tell her, you go home and rest, I will pick you up at noon to check on the victim house and see if Brian can tell us more about the crime scene."

He hung up, and went back to the station to set the woman free, but first he wanted to read her thoughts, just in case he would find something else, but in reality what he was thinking was that someone took an awful lot of trouble trying to frame her, but for some reason he actually believed in her innocence, that was dangerous place to be and he was trying his best to get her sad eyes of his mind.

[theloveofscience]

Shugarl to Komui White Day Gift!

((Here we are! This should be the last of the White day gifts that I need to submit to you. I hope you enjoy it! As always, do with this as you please~))

————————————————————————————-

Shugarl had sent Komui and invitation for March 14th to attend a late-night picnic with him in order to watch the Gamma Normids meteor shower. It was quite convenient that the Gamma Normids shower always hit around this time and peaked on the 15th. The shower wasn’t very bright, but if you paid close attention, and if the surrounding area wasn’t too bright, you should be able to see the meteor shower.

There was a family getaway cottage that should suffice for the viewing. Shugarl sent out the invite rather early, almost a month in advance. Given the date Komui was being invited on, it was clear that this was related to White day.

The location was at the family getaway cottage, so Komui and Shugarl could stay overnight, if they wanted to. If not, Komui could always return home afterwards if he had plans to attend to that following Sunday.

Komui accepted the invitation and with that, Shugarl could commence his planning. He may have already revealed one part of the plan, but a bit of sacrifice was necessary for the greater good.

After the sent invitation, nothing else out of the ordinary occurred, as if everything was ‘business as usual.’ Shugarl and Komui would interact with each other as they normally would, nothing veering from normalcy.

That is, until the 1st of March hit. There were 14 days until the day they were going to meet to watch the Gamma Normids, and Shugarl had planned a few things. A letter that was  personally delivered sat in Komui’s mailbox that Saturday morning.

.

..

.

I cordially invite you to humor me with my version of an advent calendar.

As we count down the days until White Day, I will be sending you riddles and questions for you to answer.

You will get a point for every question you get right, and as you collect points, you will reach different tiers, which qualifies you in receiving a prize befitting that tier.

The questions and riddles will be mailed to you over the weekends, or it will be given to you in your office during the weekdays. Answers should be emailed to me.

Should you choose to humor me, your first riddle is written on the back of this letter.

Have fun.

.

..

.

All the riddles and questions weren’t hard. The riddles were silly, and the problems were things Shugarl knew Komui could solve. Whether they were chemical reaction problems, or mathematical equations, they were something Komui could handle.

On the weekdays, there would be a geode agate waiting for him on his desk. It looked like a regular rock at first, but when you lifted the top, it would reveal a hollow inside. There would be a note nestled in between the shiny agate crystals.

Assuming Komui had decided to humor Shugarl on this silly ‘advent calendar,’ Komui reached the first tier after 5 days. The gift he received was a small box of biscotti, which would go excellent with coffee. 

The next tier occurred after 10 days, and a pink box sat on Komui’s chair. This was a return gift from Jupiter for the gift that Komui made for her a month prior. Leave it to Shugarl to make her return gift a prize for joining the advent calendar game.

Inside the pink box were white and red speckled bath bombs:

.

..

.

[I like bathbombs because they’re relaxing.

I wanted to thank you for the cute dress you made me!

Please enjoy the bathbombs, they’re lavender scented to promote relaxation.

There are dried rose petals included in the bath bomb to make it feel fancy.]

Included in the letter was a picture of Jupiter wearing the dress Komui made for her. She understood how tiring the job of a professor was (because she had Shugarl to attest to that), and she thought that a relaxing bath would be able to melt the stress away.

It was a bit gimmicky, but she thought people loved bath bombs. A lot of people in her class loved them, in fact.

.

..

.

On Friday the 13th, Komui found a note on his desk after he returned from teaching a class. He’d sent off an email response to Shugarl an hour prior with an answer to a riddle.

The note revealed that the final and last question would be delivered in person. Also, the geode agate ‘box’ was now Komui’s to keep.

Shugarl had evidently been enjoying this little game of theirs, considering Shugarl would make mention of it every time they met, followed by a mischievous smirk. All the riddles and questions weren’t very difficult given Komui’s abilities, so it was sure that Shugarl was not taunting Komui by any means.

It was like when you execute a harmless prank against a friend and you both can laugh about it later.

That’s what level this was to him, a playful gesture.

-

[[The next day]]

-

Shugarl arrived at the family getaway cottage early in the day to prepare for the viewing/picnic. He had it set so they could eat and view the show from the porch. Blankets were prepared should either of them feel chilly during the viewing.

For the food, he prepared a number of things:

He prepared a creamy chicken and Gnocchi soup, with a French country Boule bread to dip the soup with. This would be warm and hearty. A side Thai Mango salad with Peanut dressing, was bright and flavorful. For the entrée, Shugarl chose a Smoked Salmon pasta.

As for a dessert, he prepared personal sized blueberry pies, where the crust was fashioned into a Fibonacci spiral. What else could one expect from a math nerd? Of course, he would decorate his pies with anything mathematical.

He chose pies, because he assumed Komui enjoyed them. He made a pi (pie) pun last month, and that left a lasting impression on Shugarl. As such, he chose to bake personal sized pies for dessert.

As for beverages, there were many to choose from. Komui could have his go-to drink, coffee, or he could choose from anything else such as water, wine, juice, etc.

When Komui arrived, the food was prepared fresh and warm, using the kitchen in the cottage. There was plenty of food to last them a while, so they could enjoy their food at a leisurely pace, waiting for the sun to set, and the meteor shower show to commence.

The family getaway cottage was isolated in the thick forest of trees, so there weren’t any lights that would drown out the light of the meteor shower. Shugarl found the show to be rather enjoyable, and having great company to share the sights with was all the more pleasing.

The night was passing by peacefully, and Shugarl excused himself for a moment to fetch something. He returned with a ‘Storm Glass’ and a notebook.

This sealed glass bulb contains chemicals that crystalize in response to atmospheric conditions. Of course, this could not replace the weather forecasting system, but it was a fun exercise. Keeping track of the storm glass’s responses to the weather and making predictions of the weather would be fun, wouldn’t it? Shugarl thought it would be fun, anyways.

“There is no right or wrong answer to the final question, so I’m gifting you the final prize in advance. I found you could make a storm glass yourself, so I did just that. I hope that you will find this storm glass amusing to play with.”

It seemed to be something a Science nerd would enjoy.

Over the month after Valentine’s day, Shugarl had put a lot of thought into his planning, and he’d also put much consideration to himself. This is not something he’d done in a long while, and so it was awkward at first, but Shugarl adjusted himself accordingly.

After much consideration, Shugarl had come to a conclusion he could agree with.

“I’ve put a lot of thought into it, and I’ve come to think of you as someone very important in my life. I don’t think I’ve truly had a person who could truly understand me and share my interests with. I feel comfortable around you, and I can put my trust in you. Even when I’m having one of my episodes, you didn’t chastise me, or avoid me out of sheer discomfort. You took the time to comfort me and attempt to heal the old scars I have in the barren wasteland that people call a heart.” He felt uncomfortable with how honest he was being at the moment, but he did resolve himself to do this, so he shall.

“I had thought that’s all it was at first. I’m not well in tune with my emotions as I’m sure you’d understand. I could not understand until recently, when I dug deep and contemplated on who I am as a person. I’ve deduced a conclusion from various instances throughout our friendship, and that is… I believe the feelings I feel towards you transcend that of mere friendship. I daresay I harbor romantic feelings towards you. What do you think about that?”

That’s it, that’s the question.  

What say you now, Komui?

_______________________________________________________________

Upon the conclusion of Valentine’s Day, to say he hadn’t been curious about what Shugarl was planning for White Day would have been a lie. It wasn’t that he regretted going all out for Valentine’s Day, far from it, and Shugarl had seemed pleased with his gifts only… he wondered if he should feel intimidated at the unknown possibilities. This was Shugarl after all and Komui was well acquainted with his habit of repaying anything tenfold, they had been friends too long for him not to have noticed this characteristic.

When the scientist thought back to their Valentine’s dinner, he couldn’t help but recall that although things were as casual and comfortable as it usually was between them, there had been occasional moments when the atmosphere seemed almost charged and Shugarl more pensive than usual. But surely he had simply been imaging things, either that or his fellow professor was already scheming his comeback for White Day…

In the end, Komui decided he probably felt more excited than intimidated to see what the other came up with this year.

The invitation to watch a meteor shower while enjoying a late night picnic wasn’t something he expected but it certainly was a pleasant surprise. His first thought had been to ask whether he should contribute to the food and beverages they would be consuming but having considered that this was probably part of his White Day gift decided not to. Nevertheless, he was looking forward to it and did not hesitate enthusiastically accepting the invitation.

When the 1st of March rolled around, Komui couldn’t help but laugh. In light of the puzzles he’d had Shugarl solve on Valentine’s day he really should have seen this coming. He had no complaints. The riddles were all things he could answer quite easily and he got gifts for answering correctly to boot. It felt a little like he was being spoiled but it was a nice change from the teasing he often had to endure.

It ended up becoming an inside joke of sorts, something private just between them but then, come to think of it, wasn’t that how it was with a lot of things? Ever since Shugarl had become a professor he’d not really bothered to try get along with anyone else more than he had to. It was always Shugarl he complained to about a hard day or ridiculous test papers, Shugarl that he dragged along to interesting lectures or symposiums, Shugarl that he ate lunch and drank coffee with, Shugarl that he laughed with and was teased by. It was perhaps a little scary to suddenly realise that apart from Lenalee, Shugarl was the one his world revolved around.

When exactly had that happened?

The days passed by and the  14th of March drew steadily closer. He enjoyed the biscotti he received and was touched by the gift from Jupiter. Komui had never used a bath bomb before but since Jupiter had gone out of her way to give it to him, he would give it a try so he could thank her properly. It was also a treat to see how adorable she looked in the dress he made for her. She was almost as precious as Lenalee… almost.

On the day question, Komui arrived at the cottage to see a wonderful spread of food prepared for their picnic which smelled absolutely mouth-watering. He couldn’t help but want to tease the other professor a little considering all the food that was set out.

“You’re not trying to fatten me up or anything are you?”

Admittedly, he was slightly on the slender side and occasionally neglected to eat when he got wrapped up in one project or another but he wasn’t quite a walking skeleton just yet. Jokes aside, he really appreciated all the effort that had gone into the preparation of the meal and he was looking forward to tasting it.

It was an enjoyable evening all round, the cottage being an ideal spot to view the meteor shower and the company made it all the more pleasant. After a time, Shugarl excused himself only to return with a storm glass which Komui eyed with interested fascination.

The scientist was very impressed that Shugarl had made the storm glass himself and also very excited at having received such an interesting device. He laughed warmly as he accepted the contraption, admiring it with sparkling eyes.

“Haha you know me well it seems~”

For a moment he was puzzled over the prospect of a final question until he recalled the note he had received the day before informing him of this very fact. A question that didn’t have a right or wrong answer… now he was truly curious.

…

For a moment in time his heart stopped.

Had he heard that correctly? Had he somehow dozed off while watching the meteor shower only to dream this? But no, this was real wasn’t it.

…I habour romantic feelings towards you…

…romantic feelings towards you…

…romantic feelings…

The words echoed in his mind on repeat and he could feel his face flushing bright red even as his eyes stung and a ridiculous grin started forming on his face without his permission. He probably looked like a maniac right now. Luckily for him, Shugarl had sat down in his vicinity to give him the storm glass so he could conveniently hide his face in the nape of his neck.

He felt far too embarrassed for his expression to be seen right now even if it was dark, although nothing could be done about his trembling limbs. It was unexpectedly nerve wracking to be confessed to for the first time.

It was incredible to know how his companion felt about him, the situation feeling almost surreal when he considered that time not too long ago when he thought he might have ruined their friendship.

Swallowing passed the lump in his throat, he breathed out a shaky sigh before quietly murmuring a response of sorts.

“I I think I’m in shock…”

Perhaps that was a bit of an understatement.

“… honoured… and happy… very, very happy.”

He was, exuberantly so, but that wasn’t exactly the answer he was supposed to be giving was it. There was also a small part that wondered whether he should be questioning Shugarl’s tastes but that was quickly squashed. More importantly, he needed to give him a better answer than that.

What did he think about it. There was only one answer really. 

Apart from Lenalee, the person his world revolved around was Shugarl.

“In that case… it’s okay if I feel the same… right?

[doodlebugsandbumblebees]

You are straight-up a very sweet Hufflepuff whom I would be delighted to know any and everything about, so is it alright if I go ahead and ask EVERY question for the question meme?

Awww, wow!!  That really means a lot, thank you so much!

Alright here we go then!  We’re going to get to know me a whole lot better lol because these questions are pretty fun.  Obviously this will be a pretty long post so I’m putting it all under the read more

weird asks that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs I think.  I have a pretty big collection of those.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

This one is hard!  Probably chocolate bars though.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Cotton candy 100%.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Hmmmm, I think hardworking and sweet came up a lot?  I was very much a teacher’s pet and the perfectionist anxiety set in early lol so I was a busy, over-achieving bee.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I prefer soda bottles.  Glass bottles especially.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

It really depends?  But I guess I’m more tomboy style than anything else.

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds because I like to have one in and one out so I can still hear what’s going around me.

8. movies or tv shows?

TV shows because I like having more time to get to know the characters (and domestic/casual situations for overpowered or zany characters are way more likely to happen in a show than a movie and I live for those lol).

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Rain on pavement because it just storms and storms in the summer and it’s so nice.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Hmmm I was good at anything that involved running?  And games that involved those wheely board things you sat on and scooted around on were always fun.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

It varies?  Bagels or toast most often I guess.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Sick beats.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring with a little stuffed animal on it.  Right now mine has a bee on it and I love it.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Jolly ranchers.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Tuesdays with Morrie was pretty good.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Criss-cross.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My plain white sneakers.  They’re not real pretty or anything but they’re very comfy and I don’t have to think about whether they match things.

18. ideal weather?

Partially cloudy all day, storm in the afternoon, cool in the evening.

19. sleeping position?

Always on one of my sides.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Notes on my phone or on my laptop with my typewriter keyboard.

21. obsession from childhood?

The Lion King and anything related to it.

22. role model?

Jane Goodall has been at least one of my role models since I was ten, but my mom is a big one too.

23. strange habits?

I’m still getting over periodically chewing my fingers?  Does that count?  I also have a quirk when it comes to touching certain metal things but especially coins so when someone hands me change I do everything I can to avoid touching it and hold it in the bills if I can.

24. favorite crystal?

Kinds of crystals I presume?  I’ve always liked rose quartzes and amethysts (especially amethyst geodes since I have a couple of those).

25. first song you remember hearing?

Probably something from Tarzan or Mary Poppins since those were my childhood movies.  So Stepping Time from Mary Poppins would be a good guess.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Swimming.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Walking around in it because it’s hardly ever truly cold here and I like to savor it.

28. five songs to describe you?

I change music taste every five minutes so I’m going to say songs that describe me right now are brand new by ben rector, just a quail by louie zong, turning out by ajr, everything stays by olivia olson, and hooked on a feeling by blue swede.

29. best way to bond with you?

It’s all in the time.  I get attached to people pretty easy as long as they’re nice and we can goof around, have fun, and talk about whatever.  So putting time in to hang out means a lot to me.

30. places that you find sacred?

Hmmm, being deep in forests feels sacred to me so there are certain waterfall hikes in the smokey mountains and along the blue ridge parkway and in Hawaii that seem very special to me.  And then disney world and disneyland will always have a sacredness to them for me because they’ve meant so much to me and the happiness it brings people is pretty magical.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

My comfy jean shorts and either my yellowish flannel or my guardians of the galaxy shirt with my rebel jacket. 

32. top five favorite vines?

Caterpillar Rave

I Smell Like Beef

I Could’ve Dropped My Croissant

Michael with a B

This Is The Comedy Police

Honorable Mention: FR E S H A VOCA DO

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Probably “okay cool” because I say that a lot.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

We are farmers, bum bud um bum bum bum bum.

35. average time you fall asleep?

1 AM.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Oh gosh the first one… probably one of those vines up there.  It might have been fre shavocado.  This was a long time ago though.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase.

38. lemonade or tea?

Tea because I can’t drink citrus without it setting my mouth on fire lol.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cake but I don’t have it often for the reason listed above.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Some kids in elementary did something weird in the trees behind our school because the teachers weren’t watching them (I never knew exactly what it was but it was Bad tm) but the teachers didn’t know exactly who it was so they punished the whole grade and we were forced to only play kickball during recess for like 7 months and it was the worst.  It’s not exactly weird per say but I always found it wild that the only conceivable thing they could think to do to solve this problem was force a bunch of scrawny, socially awkward, miserable children to play ground baseball with a permanently half-deflated rubber ball.

41. last person you texted?

My brother.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Pants pockets but only because I don’t get to use jacket pockets as often as I would like to.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

I’m completely tied between hoodies and bomber jackets.

44. favorite scent for soap?

Ocean.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

These are my three faves, not fair!!  Sigh, probably superhero because even with sci-fi and fantasy my faves tend to be my faves because they have superhero elements.  The colors, the Drama, the angst, the powers??  What’s not to love.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Baggy t-shirt and athletic shorts.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Smoked gouda.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Watermelon.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“Keep moving forward.” from Meet the Robinsons most, but I also like “The bottom line is if you take a chance in life sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen but, honey, if you don’t take a chance nothing happens.” from Dorothy in Golden Girls.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

I don’t know about the hardest I ever have (because I am very lucky and have a very funny family so I laugh a lot) but watching vine compilations for the very first time with my siblings made me laugh really hard.

51. current stresses?

Fitting everything in.  Days just don’t feel long enough and social situations plus school stuff always get to me but I’m doing okay.

52. favorite font?

I do like times new roman even if it’s used a lot but I’ve been using the font yananeska for calligraphy stuff lately and it’s a cool one.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

They’re always a bit dry and on the warmish side but they’re pretty good.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Have never had a job job but I volunteered in a library for like three years and it taught me to enjoy the details, slow down and enjoy the quiet, simple tasks, appreciate really excited kids, and try to help people whenever I can.

55. favorite fairy tale?

Aladdin or beauty and the beast I suppose?  I like that there’s multiple ways to interpret those stories and that they can be played with in some fun ways because they’re such interesting concepts by themselves.

56. favorite tradition?

How cities all over the world string up lights on things in the winter.  It means something different to everyone and some do it and some don’t which is totally fine, but this idea of lighting up the world during the bleakest month, and how some people go all out with colors and patterns and synced to music, and how everyone does it a bit different, and how entire cities are just smothered in lights means a lot to me.  I think it’s a very cool and very human thing to do.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

The tough year before my family moved, getting through my really intense anxiety years where I couldn’t travel in cars for more than fifteen minutes without throwing up, and my month away at art school.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Hmmm, I guess I’m pretty proud of my writing ability, my singing voice, my art skills, and my ability to talk to anyone.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Probably something goofy like “YEET” or some variation of “That’s bonkers” because I do say those a lot.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Superhero.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“That’s all it is, a leap of faith.” from Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse is still pretty special to me.  As is “I never thought I could do any of this stuff, but I can.” same movie.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Aaaaaaaa another hard one.  Whoo boy, right now my gut instinct is probably: Judy Hopps (Zootopia), Miles Morales (Into the Spiderverse), Raph (Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Spiderham (Into the Spiderverse), Hagrid (Harry Potter), the firbolg (the adventure zone), and Sam-I-Am (Green Eggs and Ham).

63. five songs that would play in your club?

At the moment I would want you make my dreams by hall & oates, cantina band by John Williams, the bones by maren morris and hozier, hooked on a feeling by blue swede, and backflip by rivers cuomo to play.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Coolmathgames.

65. any permanent scars?

I have a round scar on my elbow from when I skidded across the ground after crashing my bicycle.

66. favorite flower(s)?

I like lotus flowers, gardenias, and plumerias.

67. good luck charms?

My DnD dice, rocks (like my obsidian, sodalites, and amethysts), and my ten little lucky owl statues in different colors.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Beverly soda is the worst but a specific flavor I really don’t like is pickles.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Mantis shrimps punch so fast that the water around their punch boils.  Also they have seventeen color receptors compared to our 3.

70. left or right handed?

Right handed.

71. least favorite pattern?

I’m not quite sure?  I’m not crazy about optical illusions that look sort of smeared and are all black and white because they hurt my eyes so probably those.

72. worst subject?

I’m not great with math or sports, but I’ve gotten a handle on math as of late.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

I’m not sure if they’re weird but I’m willing to try a lot so ketchup and mayonnaise is great, barbecue sauce and cheez-its is very good, and apples dipped in nacho cheese or salsa is not bad.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

I think 4.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I think I was five?  Not sure.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Baked potatoes but fries are very close.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Aloe plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

I don’t eat sushi so coffee from a gas station.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

School id photo.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Lightning bugs.

82. pc or console?

Console.

83. writing or drawing?

Probably writing because it’s more straightforward to me but it depends.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology because it gets wild so fast and cracks me up sometimes.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cupcakes.

87. your greatest fear?

Being annoying or mean without realizing it and driving people away.  I’m constantly scared I’m going to mess everything up which I need to work on because it’s hard to live that way.

88. your greatest wish?

Going to get a bit cheesy but to someday be a zoologist with some fun hobbies, travel often, feel satisfied with my life, and spend my days with someone I truly love and have a lot of fun with.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Anyone in my family because we’re really close and they would do that for me.

90. luckiest mistake?

Probably going to an up-ity art school for a month a few years ago because while I was extremely depressed, homesick, and felt like a big failure the whole time, if I hadn’t done that and had my dreams crushed by some mean professors I might have gone there for a whole semester and spent a bajillion dollars to learn the same thing.  And it inevitably put me at the school I’m at now which I’m very very happy with and suits me so much better.

91. boxes or bags?

I like boxes.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Fairy lights because I’m a sucker for colors.

93. nicknames?

Doodlebug is the biggest one.

94. favorite season?

Fall.  Colors, halloween, thanksgiving, cooler weather, I love it ALL.

95. favorite app on your phone?

Spotify.

96. desktop background?

A painting of a whale shark from the Georgia aquarium because going there was a big deal for me and it’s very pretty.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Maybe 3?  I don’t have to memorize them much anymore lol.

98. favorite historical era?

I kind of like the 1920s aesthetic these days but I love very scattered things about history so picking one era is tough.

[21stcenturyteapot]

Rape Culture Roulette – Every Woman’s Daily Game

Presented by Charles Webster on the 12th of September, 2019 at:

Jeppe high School for Boys, Kensington, Johannesburg

St Davids Marist Inanda, Johannesburg

DISCLAIMER: this speech is an accurate reflection of most of what I said. Because I speak partly from notes and partly from the heart – the speech changed slightly and readers who were there may notice some differences.

WHO AM I?

I am you. I wore the blazer for five years (or one like it), and I know what is said in boys’ schools. I am not here to tell you you’re all rapists. But I am here to tell you that we can all contribute to rape culture.

I’m also husband to a wife, and a father to two daughters, and I care enough about their safety and their happiness to have stayed up until 2am to figure out what to say to you guys, to wake up at 4am to drive to the airport for an hour, to take a flight from Durban to Johannesburg to be here today.

This is not a game - but I’d like to start off by talking about a game. RUSSIAN ROULETTE Have you ever heard of Russian Roulette? (Show of hands)

Okay - so, most of you. As you know it’s a simple game. You take a revolver with six chambers, put a cartridge into one of them. You spin the cylinder and snap it shut. Then you hold the gun to your head and pull the trigger. If you’re lucky, you get one of the five empty chambers. If you’re not so lucky…BOOM.

What if I said to you that every morning, in order to go out into the world and live your normal life, you have to play Russian Roulette? 

I have owned a gun, and anyone who’s ever done any serious shooting knows that the first rule of handling a firearm is that you treat every gun as if it’s loaded – even if it isn’t.

So, if you’re wise and your self-preservation instinct is intact, you’d rightly tell me that #gunsaredangerous. You’d tell me I’m crazy, that my expectation is totally unfair, and that there’s no way you’re going to play Russian Roulette just in order to have the privilege of going out into the world and living your life.

But what if I responded to your hashtag and said, but #notallguns are dangerous… would that make you feel better about the demand? Would it change the fact that even though you’re probably not going to get the chamber with the live round in it, there’s still a scarily high chance that you will? Does it change the fact that you have to treat every gun as if its loaded, even though you know in your head that #notallguns are?

RAPE CULTURE ROULETTE

Now, let’s imagine a new game. I call it: “Rape Culture Roulette”, and here’s the thing - women have to play it.

Every. Single. Day.

If they want to exist in the world, if they want to walk out of their front doors in the morning and go out to school, to work or to relax, they have no choice.

How does it work? So if you’re a woman, you wake up in the morning and in the gun that you are forced to hold up to your head, there are not six chambers, but (let’s say) a hundred. These hundred chambers are the hundred men that a woman might encounter during the course of a typical day.

Her husband or boyfriend, father, brothers, the newspaper seller on the corner, the guy selling coffee at the convenience store, two or three guys in the cars around her at every intersection on the way to work, twenty or thirty male colleagues, another fifteen or twenty at the restaurant where she’s having lunch… you get the picture. Some of the chambers have cartridges in them, and some of them are empty. The empty chambers represent the guys who behave appropriately towards her. Let’s be generous and say it’s the majority – sixty or seventy of them, who fall into this category.

The chambers with cartridges in them represent all the guys who, sadly, do not. Let’s start off big. There’s one chamber with a rapist in it. Then four or five chambers of guys who might catcall her as she walks past. Then there’s a chamber with a woman beater, and then half a dozen who rub up against women as they pass them in the elevator or the passage. Ooh, here’s a bad one – this next chamber has a murderer, but the next twenty aren‘t as bad – they contain a couple of guys who tell tasteless rape jokes, and another eighteen who just laugh at them, or say nothing. Then maybe half a dozen who refer to their mates as “pussies” when they do something that isn’t supposed to be done by a “real man”, and a few guys who mansplain to women, don’t listen to them, and talk over them in meetings. Again – you get the picture. As an article by Eusebius McKaiser in the Mail and Guardian said just a few days ago: “A woman is not safe at home. She is not safe at the tavern. She is not safe at the post office. She is not safe at work. She is not safe at the club. She is not safe walking from the tavern to her home. She is not safe walking to the post office. She is not safe from the guns of her boyfriend that were supposedly bought to keep them both safe from strangers. She is not safe when she encounters a stranger. She may be even less safe when she is with someone she knows intimately. She is not safe when she is with an official working for the state. She is not safe when she is drinking with men she has known all her life. She is a continued target of predatory men who have no regard for her intrinsic dignity and rights to bodily and psychological integrity. Which is why each South African woman has asked this week: “Am I next?”[1] Every day, women wake up, and as they go about their days, they pull the trigger – not once, but every time they meet a man. I need to stress again, here, that this isn’t a choice. Women, to live their lives, have to go out into a world where they take a risk with every man they meet – and I’m not talking about strangers. IT ISN’T STRANGERS Yep, I’m even talking about husbands, father, sons.

But let’s start with a few statistics: “According to the Rape Crisis Centre (in Cape Town)… it is estimated that 40% of South African women will be raped in their lifetime and only 8.6% of rape perpetrators are convicted.”[2]

That’s nearly half of South African women. Are you surprised that women wake up in the morning and wonder whether they will be next? I ask you to put yourselves in that position and think about how your life might feel and be different if that were your reality.

But back to my point – it’s not strangers they mostly have to be worried about. In fact, the opposite is true.  To quote the Rape Crisis Centre again, “Unfortunately, most people believe rape only occurs in dark alleyways. But Rape Crisis Centre’s new campaign indicates the truth is closer to home. The campaign aims at highlighting that approximately 68% of rape survivors know their rapist. They have had their trust broken in the workplace, home and [in their] communities.”[3]

So there definitely won’t be a rapist in every woman’s day, every day, but over the course of their lives, South African women have to wake up to the daily knowledge that they have a chance of being one of those four out of every ten women who will be raped. My daughters have asked me more than once if I think they have a chance of making it through life without becoming victims.

WOMEN CAN DO VERY LITTLE ABOUT IT

If you’re thinking women can solve the problem by being wise about where they and learning to defend themselves:

My first response is  - are we really no better than this, guys? Men aren’t mindless animals, and shouldn’t be expecting women to take responsibility for the fact that men refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. We are better than this, guys. Are we really unable to control ourselves at the merest sight of a bit of leg, or an exposed tummy?

I don't care if a woman is walking down the streak stark naked, she's still not asking for rape or unwanted contact. There's a difference between women choosing to dress the way they want to, and men not taking responsibility for their sexual impulses.

My second response is that it really doesn’t seem to matter what women do. As this powerful exhibition demonstrates, they don’t have to dress sexily to get raped.

IMAGE: JENNIFER SPRAGUE They don’t have to go specific places, or drink alcohol or do specific things to get raped. Because statistically it’s mostly men they know and probably trust who rape them. In any case, almost half the time, victims are children. A Timeslive headline in 2018 proclaimed: “Children victims in 42% of all rape cases recorded.”[4] Old women get raped. Nuns get raped - even babies get raped. Are we going to blame their clothes and their drinking habits, too?

In the meantime, every single day, women are quite likely to encounter some guy licking his lips at them in the traffic, or some guy following them in his car as they walk home from the shop (which has happened to my wife more than once). Some middle aged guy propositioning them for sex outside the toilets in the shopping mall (which happened to my one daughter – to get rid of the guy she had to resort to asking him loudly and publicly if he wanted to see her dick, and pretend to start unbuttoning her trousers – because men like that rely on women being worried about “causing a scene”). Then there’s the guy at a live music venue who got a little a little bit too touchy-feely with my other daughter at a show. He only left her alone after I spoke to him – twice. In fact, the number of times I go out with my wife or my daughters where some creep doesn’t look at them inappropriately, touch them without consent or make suggestive remarks is frighteningly small.

A PRISONER’S PERSPECTIVE Maybe you think having someone making remarks isn’t so bad – maybe you’re thinking, as a guy, that you’d quite enjoy it if women did that to you, and that it’s actually quite a compliment.

So let’s introduce some perspective into the conversation. I want you to imagine that you are in prison. You’re a brand new inmate… you’re not a murderer but maybe you committed some kind of white collar crime like cheating on your taxes or defrauding a business partner.

I want you to understand that you are now in a world where you are being looked at as someone’s potential bitch. Someone’s pieces of ass. And that someone is twice your size and ten times as tough. They want power over you, and to relieve their sexual urges – and you are powerless to stop them.

I asked women on my Facebook timeline to send me comments they’d like to share with 100 young men if they had the chance – and here’s one of them. She talks about: “The system that he would have no say in… the people who had power over him who were often corrupt and not 'fair' in their dealings, being at the mercy of the very real threat of both physical and sexual violence all day, every day, the fact that nowhere and no-one is actually 'safe', and the feeling of being powerless to do anything about it....and the people in your life who are present (family and friends who can visit you there) but have no real understanding of what it's like and can leave whenever they want to, or not think about it whenever they want to, because it doesn't directly affect and impact them.” Here’s another: “The sexist jokes, the locker room talk - these are not harmless talk. Imagine a scenario where you're in prison, from pretty much any movie or TV show you can think of. Imagine you're now the target of those kinds of jokes and locker room talk from someone physically stronger than you, and/or in a position of more power than you.” The bottom line is – how would you feel if the gorilla in cellblock D was looking at you and licking his lips while commenting about the shape of your butt, or grabbing his crotch at you? Here’s the key message:

You shouldn’t be saying or doing anything to women that you’d be uncomfortable with someone big and scary, in prison, saying or doing to you.

CONSENT IS A THING

We really need to talk about consent. I hope you understand, in the light of my prison scenario, why consent is important. (Watch this Youtube Clip for more) If you want to talk about rape culture you have to start with consent. I find it noteworthy that consent is very important when other people do things to us, but is somehow less important when we are the people doing things to others. Because let’s face it, guys, the kind of pussy you’re referring to when you go “kss, kss!” as a girl walks past is not a cat, and I don’t think you’d enjoy the guy from cellblock D crowing like a rooster when you walk by because he is keen on your cock.

I want you to think about the guy in cellblock D, and ask yourself whether “not saying no” is the same as saying yes. If you’re alone with him in your jail cell and he’s about to do things to you that you don’t like – would you be quiet because you’re actually keen – or would it be because you’re hoping he won’t murder you as well as rape you? Unless somebody is active and enthusiastic about their consent – it’s not consent.

A comment I got from a female friend on this topic was: “A guy I knew once groped a friend of mine in a bar, and couldn't (at all) understand why she wouldn't welcome him touching her boobs, obviously this is a pleasurable thing. He’s a guy, she’s a girl – what’s the issue? I asked how he would like it if a big guy walked up and grabbed his crotch, just out of nowhere? He got the point.”

ABOUT RAPE CULTURE So you ask what real harm a rape joke can do? Or a catcall? As my prison story shows, when it comes from someone who has the power to act on it, it suddenly becomes very real, and very frightening.

Rape culture is not about saying every man who catcalls is a rapist. “Rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.”[5] Think about casual sayings about “throwing like a girl” or “fighting like a girl.” On some sports fields now you’ll hear players talking about a “Rapist’s Touch” – which is used for a player “with a first touch of the ball that is so horrid that it goes immediately to the opposite team or out of play.”[6]   Maybe some of you are sneering at me under your breath. “What a pussy!”, you might be thinking - another great example of using women’s bodies as the standard by which to insult people. This is rape culture. Sexist attitudes to gender that make women property, or make them inferior, or degrade their bodies as tools with which we insult each other.

So sure – catcalling isn’t the same as rape. An unwanted remark about her appearance isn’t the same as rape. Talking over her at the party, or disregarding her opinion about where to go out to isn’t the same as rape.

But we’re contributing to a culture where…

In a million ways…

In a million places…

At a million times…

…women are told they are unworthy and inferior – in ways we’d never accept as men.

We are talking about disrespect.

Here’s the key to today’s message for you. The message that doesn’t only prove that you don’t have to be a rapist to contribute to rape culture, but should also spur you to act when you hear you mates talking about women, or acting towards them, in certain ways:

Not all disrespect of women ends in rape, but all rapes start with disrespect.

Women live in precisely the kind of world that prison would be to you. The kind of world where half the population is superior to you in terms of physical strength, and where that half of the population has grown up in a society that largely still thinks of women as possessions. A world where that half of the population is sexually attracted to you, and you could be the means of satisfying their urges.

You think I’m talking rubbish with regard to women being possessions? Tell me, then, why women are still “given away” by their fathers on their wedding days? Look it up, guys – the tradition comes from a time when women were used like sacrificed like pawns on a chessboard. They were traded for power to cement allegiances between kingdoms. I’ve told my daughters already – nobody must ever ask me if I’m giving them away on their wedding days. I don’t own them.

But let’s find a more everyday example. Why is it that millions of men around the world who approach women will only leave a woman, if she gets a friend to pretend to be her partner, or point out her wedding ring or her partner? What is it that makes so many of us think that women don’t have the right to say no because they’re simply not interested?!

WOMEN OWE US NOTHING

In four-in-ten world where women have to play Rape Culture Roulette on a daily basis, I’m telling you now, guys… women owe you precisely nothing.

They don’t owe you a conversation because you’ve done them the “honour” of being nice to them. They don’t owe you a smile. They don’t owe you a phone number. They don’t owe you sex because you’ve bought them a meal. And they shouldn’t have to tell you more than once that they’re not interested – nor should they have to explain why. And if you are lucky enough to have someone show an interest in you, they are not obliged to follow through with sex – they have a right to say “no”, or “stop” at any time. I don’t care if you’re lying on the bed next to her, and you’re both naked. For you to insist, and continue with sex beyond that point, is rape.

FEMINISM

Every man should be a feminist. I can imagine the eye rolling that’s going on. I can hear the comment about how feminists are man haters, how “Feminazis” are unreasonable and actually want to walk over men. And I’m sure there are such people – but let me tell you that the tiny minority of feminists who think that way are a convenient excuse for those who want to write off feminism as a whole.

For those of you who haven’t studied feminism, and I talk to a lot of feminists – the massive, overwhelming majority of feminists are simply people who want equality for women. Feminism simply means being a decent human being.

Now – I have a question for you. This is the Facebook post that led to me being here today:

MEN: ARE YOU PART OF THE PROBLEM?

If your pride is more important to you than women fearing for their lives because of how common rape and murder are, you’re part of the problem.

If being offended by generalisations and responding with #notallmen is more important to you than addressing the reasons those generalisations are necessary in the first place, you’re part of the problem.

If you’re fragile you expect women to be ‘nice’ about how they deal with the bullying, rape and murder men inflict on their sisters, then you're part of the problem.

If you’re not spending time thinking about how you are privileged because you don’t have to half of the world’s population as a threat to your life until they prove otherwise, you’re part of the problem.

If you say or do things to women you wouldn’t want a large man to say or do to you in prison, you’re part of the problem.

If you’re not calling out other men when they treat women as objects for their personal gratification, you’re part of the problem.

If you’re not making the effort to understand consent, and that women are equal to men in moral value and legal rights, you’re part of the problem.

If you call women “sluts” for the same things that get men labelled as “studs”, you’re part of the problem.

If your response to a woman being groped, cat-called or receiving other unwanted sexual attention is that “boys will be boys”, you’re part of the problem.

If you ask what a woman was wearing or why she was drinking or was in a particular place when she was harassed or raped, you’re part of the problem.

If your expectation is for *women* to educate you, or for *women* to do the speaking out (when they’ve been trying to do so and getting beaten and killed for their efforts since time immemorial), you’re part of the problem.

DOING NOTHING IS DOING SOMETHING There’s a quote that was used by John F. Kennedy once – though nobody actually knows who said it originally. It goes like this: “The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing.” In a world where our society is so damaged that four in ten South African women will be raped in their lifetimes, the default setting is horrific. Doing nothing in the face of that is the same as doing something – because silence is assent. What can you do? 

You don’t have to be an activist and stand up here like me. You can make sure that you’re not the one catcalling or laughing at rape jokes. You can make sure you call out your mates who do. If you’re worried about getting beaten up, walk away from the conversation to make your disapproval plain – end friendships if you have to.

It’s a funny thing – in a country where forty percent of women get raped, every women knows someone who’s been raped, and every man who cares enough to ask or be involved, knows a woman who’s been raped. I know several. Yet, somehow, we men know very few rapists.

We seem to have raised generations of men who are emotional children.

It’s time for men to:

Grow up. 

Stand up. 

Speak up.

Rape culture is everywhere: understand what it means before you whine about “#notallmen” or “not being a rapist”. Sexism is ingrained into (even western) society. Fight for equality – be a feminist. Not because “every woman is someone’s wife, daughter or sister” - women are not defined by the way they relate to men.

Do something because women are also humans - and deserve the right to the same basic freedoms and safety you have (in most cases) never had to give a second thought. And if you did - it was most probably because another *man* was threatening it. Do something because in world of Rape Culture Roulette, where four out of every ten South African women will be raped in their lifetimes, and where forty percent of those who are raped are under-age children, and only a tiny minority of rapists get convicted, doing nothing is doing something.

Because a world in which women can live free of fear is a better world for you as well, if you care enough to recognise the fact.

[1] https://mg.co.za/article/2019-09-06-00-the-chain-between-words-and-violence?fbclid=IwAR0PUCeQ1B1nHBHnz6FdRS9fZAMgBQ2uUq6oM0YwL0XnJMUqgBcwb0jC9mg#.XXO7WvA3vwQ.facebook

[2] https://www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/western-cape/rape-is-often-perpetrated-by-a-familiar-face-19917092

[3] Ibid.

[4] https://www.timeslive.co.za/news/south-africa/2018-05-16-children-victims-in-42-of-all-rape-cases-recorded/

[5] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture

[6] https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rapist%20Touch

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam season 3, episode 6 reaction

In terms of length, this is a short episode, but watching it in real time, every day highlighting Isak’s misery, felt like an eternity. Luckily Isak and Jonas’ friendship intervened to give us one of the most heartwarming scenes of the series. 

SEASON 3, EPISODE 6 - “Escobar season”

Clip 1 - YOU CAN HATE ME NOW

It was a loooooong 10 days between the last clip of episode 5 and this one. Like, Trump got elected in that time, guys. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “Goddamn, I wish Skam wasn’t on hiatus so I could have something positive to take my mind off this shit.” Which might seem frivolous, but sometimes you need a little escapism from your impending national nightmare, instead of following the news in despair for 10 hours a day and stress-eating whole bags of discount Halloween candy (which is what I actually ended up doing).

The mid-season hiatus is set up so if you’re watching in real time, you can imagine that Isak legit took a week off school, but if you’re watching after the season ended, you can buy that maybe Isak just took a weekend off from the world, and either possibility still works. That shows some forethought on Julie’s part, since she knew this season would also be viewed post-real time experience.

So the music is by Nas, not N.W.A., but Isak’s intro here definitely reminds me of what he said to Even in episode 2 , about “music that you listen to when you want to walk around feeling tough.” This is totally a moment where Isak wants to toughen up, since he’s frankly pretty fragile at the moment. I love this scene because it is so deeply real. Most of us have done this, blasted the appropriate soundtrack to psych ourselves up for something we didn’t want to do, or attempted to alter our mood with a song. The fact that this is clearly a diegetic music moment, with Isak actually wearing his earbuds, makes him seem even more vulnerable to me, ironically. Like he needs that confidence boost.

Also, the fact that this is Nas just underscores Even’s influence on Isak, and that while Isak may be trying to deal with his heartbreak, Even’s presence is still there, weighing on him.

“Escobar season has returned … it’s been a long time.” Obviously it hasn’t been that long, but it is a cheeky little nod to the hiatus, as well as the official clip title  - “Returned.”

By the way, if people are wondering exactly what “Escobar season” means, here’s a little information about it. The summary is that it’s a persona Nas took on that’s like a Scarface personality, “Escobar” taken from famous Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar - who interestingly was the subject of one of Isak’s oft-mentioned TV shows, Narcos. 

The Escobar facade was fully formed and ubiquitous on Nas’ 1996 album It Was Written—he endorsed the now-defunct Willie Esco clothing line around the same time. 1998’s “Hate Me Now” famously begins with the phrase, “Escobar Season has returned,” and the Esco name is retired on the hook of 1999’s “Nastradamus.” Nas says Pablo Escobar represents his first awareness of a larger-than-life crime boss who wasn’t a fictional character.

This scene is framed nicely, with Even and his friends on one side of the screen, Emma and her friends on the other (the two “love interests” of this season opposite each other as they represent different sides of Isak) and with Isak stepping in the middle of the frame, not fitting into either group.

Man, I know Isak has fucked up, but like …. this song comes on, and I see him look nervously from Emma to Even, and my heart swells for this kid. I feel so bad for him. This feels so relatable for anyone who’s ever had a problem at school - a fight with a friend, a break-up - and had to go back where they knew they’d see the person again. Or embarrassed themselves, or been bullied, and had to face the judgment of your peers. It does feel like simply showing your face again requires an incredible amount of bravery from a teenager. (See also: Eva in S1, Sana in S4). And in Isak’s case, he has to face two people who know he is gay: Emma, who is angry and could use it against him, and Even, who he wants and seemingly doesn’t want him anymore.

The lyrics might sound over the top for this situation, but of course teenage problems are always the end of the world, and Isak actually does have some real shit to deal with. When Nas says, “Looks like the death of me now,” it probably does feel like that for Isak. I’d also say this is perhaps how he felt prior to coming out at the end of the episode - it could be the end of everything as he knew it, but there’s no turning back now. This is who Isak is.

“There’s no turning back now” - the lyrics that pop up when Isak first looks at Even, happen to be similar to what Isak and Even said to each other in episode 2, on their first “date” of sorts making those cheese toasties. “We can’t turn back now” - the words that made Isak cancel his plans with the boys and Emma so he could be with Even, and also the path that’s made him so currently miserable.

Let’s just note that Isak looks tired and worn and has his hood pulled up, keeps his head down as he walks across the courtyard, and Even looks to be in terrific shape, talking with people. Which has to rub salt in the wound. Even is doing just fine, seemingly, while Isak is suffering. You know Isak is questioning whether he meant anything to Even at all.

“This is what makes me … This is who I am.” Awwww, Isak. Baby.

Isak keeps his eyes ahead of him as he walks through the yard. Not on Emma or Even, though they notice him. Like the only way he’s going to get through this is if he pretends they’re not there.

Emma notices Isak and you have to wonder what’s on her mind, because really, she kind of falls away in the second half of the season? We hear about her but after this clip she doesn’t appear until the last episode. Has she already told people Isak is gay and set the rumor mill in motion, or is that yet to come?

I am always, always going to laugh at how the lyrics “DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE” sync with Even on screen, lol. You know Isak is internally kinda like FUCK YOU EVEN!!!! but also why even … why?

But also, Even probably did not expect Isak to be this downcast about their breakup. In real time, Isak has been gone for a week, and Even almost certainly noticed. You can practically see his heart stop when he notices Isak here. And it likely hurts that Isak is pointedly not looking at Even.

Oh my God, the kid crashing into Isak and interrupting his power walk is so funny, but you feel so bad for Isak! He just wanted to pump himself up before entering the school where all these people are mad at him or don’t want to talk to him, and some rando ruins the effect. Talk about adding insult to injury. A cherry on top of the shit sundae. Again, I love it because it’s such a realistic moment, and of course Isak’s woes aren’t going to be solved by the right soundtrack. Reality intervenes.

It’s like the little girl interrupting the movie moment of the pool kiss - the music just cuts off when the illusion is destroyed. Weirdly that warms my heart a little, because the pool was Even’s attempt to recreate a movie moment, this was Isak’s attempt to create a tough guy scene, and both of them got cut short by reality. Lmao, boys.

Emma looks like she’s too engrossed with her friends to notice Isak’s collision, but Even likely saw the dude crash into Isak. Just to embarrass Isak further. 

Poor Isak goes into the school and the first thing he sees is Jonas. Jonas isn’t hostile, but he’s a little distant. Reserved.

On the saga of Isak’s locker of character development, he takes a lesson from Even and bangs it open. Isak isn’t all the way there with coming out, but between the last time we’ve seen him and the locker, he’s kissed a boy for the first time and almost gotten himself a boyfriend. Even showed him how to open his locker and Isak took him up on it. Soooo… progress? He also bangs it open when Jonas is present.

Isak wants to know if Mahdi is still mad at him and Jonas says they’re not mad at him. He then takes a long pause before saying that they’re worried, like you know Isak’s weird behavior has been pressing on him and he’s finally just going to say it.

Isak tries to play it off and blames “family stuff” again and you can tell Jonas is disappointed and concerned that Isak is resorting to the same old lie.

“And I can’t sleep either.” Well, this part is actually true. It’s just you need to explain why you can’t sleep, Isak.

Jonas, a good bro, knows Isak is talking shit and not telling the whole truth, but he doesn’t argue. Just lets him know that he’s there to talk. Which is really all Jonas can do at that point. You can see Isak weighing it over as Jonas leaves, too, like … maybe Isak should talk to him. Or maybe he shouldn’t because that’s frightening. But Jonas had made it clear that he’s open to hearing the truth when Isak’s ready to share, and that’s what Isak needs to remember when Skrulle starts talking about people being islands.

Clip 2 - Noorhelm and Evak parallels

Isak really cannot sleep with all this anxiety and misery in his head. We don’t get late-night clips that often in Skam, but they were employed very well in S3 to illustrate Isak’s insomnia. That’s one of the coolest things about the real-time format, that we can get canon delivered at unconventional times to reflect the character’s reality and put us deep in their emotional state.

And of course Noora’s conversation is like … the worst thing that Isak could be hearing at that moment, since what she’s saying about her relationship with William also happens to apply to his relationship with Even.

“When you are in love, you believe that love will be like in the movies. But that’s not how it works.” This would be a solid point to make regardless of context, but it especially has to hit home for Isak, with his Romeo + Juliet watching and recreating in the pool. There was an element of fantasy with Even, of being in a love story like in the movies with a guy who views life like a film. But now the fantasy is gone.

What did Noorhelm shippers think at this point? S2 was all about Noora and William and gave them a happy ending, but now in S3, the way Noora describes what’s happened to them, it’s almost like a deconstruction of the tropes from S2. Noora is talking about how she thought she’d be with William forever, but no one lives happily ever after. Honestly, it would be a pretty interesting subversion to do a story like that on Skam, the fairy tale romance that ends up falling apart … but I wouldn’t want to spend a whole season building up to their happy ending, and then having it crumble in the background of someone else’s story. I think it’d be better if they got together by the halfway point (before the hiatus) and then showed the fall of the relationship through the rest of the season.

I mean, this is all because Thomas Hayes left the show, though, and was probably not part of Julie’s original plan. Makes you wonder how this scene was planned, though. Did Julie ever think Thomas would come back? Because this scene has somewhat different context with the Noorhelm reunion in S4, and in a scenario where Thomas didn’t return. 

“There’s nobody who is willing to make any sacrifices for love in 2016.” I don’t know why, but that part of Noora’s dialogue hurts the most? It does for Isak, too, since it’s the breaking point from when he goes from trying to bury his head in his pillow to getting up and telling her to stop. Maybe because to Isak, it seems like he was willing to sacrifice for Even by lying to his friends and making them angry with him, abandoning this heterosexual farce he was performing, potentially coming out, getting into a relationship with a boy despite all the problems that may come with that … but Even just couldn’t sacrifice his relationship with Sonja. For a brief moment, it seemed like he would choose Isak, but he didn’t. 

Maybe also because “nobody is willing to make sacrifices for love” is pretty disheartening to hear when you’re young and going through heartache. It makes you think this is how it’s going to be the rest of your life, it’ll never get easier. Especially painful for a closeted gay kid to hear since he’ll have additional complications in finding love. 

I think Noora’s words are obviously the main reason behind what’s making Isak stressed out right now, but it can’t help to hear that Eskild’s brought a guy home. Eskild has someone and Isak is sleeping alone.

Yeah, Isak could be less of an asshole in his delivery, but he’s not wrong. Take your conversations elsewhere at 2 am. Not to sound old but it’s a school night, Noora!

Noora is pretty shocked by Isak’s attitude, though. You can see the smile drop off her face. I don’t think Noora is obsessing over Isak’s personal life or anything, especially since she’s caught up in her own drama, but I think she picks up here that Isak is going through something that’s bigger than her just talking on the phone at night.

While I don’t know if Noora and Isak would ever be best friends, I do enjoy some of the moments they have together. I like to think that Noora taking care of Even when Isak couldn’t be there, and Isak demonstrating how much love there was in that grumpy teenage boy body of his, gained some lasting respect on both ends. And on the flip side, Noora ribbing Isak about his nightstand toilet paper and Isak taking it in stride in S4 is endearing.

Isak really is a good kid. He knows he lashed out and calms down after his outburst. He even says, “Say hi to Eva,” lmao? Like RARRRRRGH STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE NOORA … okay, sorry, say hi to our mutual friend.

The fact that he pauses to tell her that William is an idiot if he gives up on her is genuinely sweet. Of course there’s some projection behind it (trying to convince himself that Even is an idiot and not worth staying up all night stressing if Even gave up on him) but it’s also just a kind, courteous thing to say, since he recognizes someone else struggling over being in love, and Noora accepts his words as such.

Obviously everyone is free to like or dislike characters for whatever reasons, but moments like this are why I don’t get why some people repeatedly bring up Isak’s shitty S1 behavior as a reason why he’s the Worst (especially in the context of “How can you like Isak but not this other character when Isak has also done bad things?”). Isak repeatedly course-corrects from his mistakes and shows consideration toward other people’s feelings, listens to their advice and perspectives, and is kind to them despite his grumpy exterior. He’s not a selfish person. I’m fine with characters who make mistakes if they apologize, show empathy to others, and try to be better people.

Clip 3 - The cheese toastie of sadness

This scene is pretty short, but the first time I watched it, I spent like a minute and a half wondering “Where is this going?” only to freak out with Even’s appearance. Oh. That’s where it was going. It lulls you into a sense of mundane drudgery only to throw a curveball, which is what Isak must be feeling. Going about his boring day, feeling like shit, only for a surprise Even encounter to throw everything off-balance.

That random guy’s voice really does sound like Henrik’s, to the point where I’m wondering if Henrik said the line and they dubbed it over (since we don’t see the dude actually say anything but “Sweet”). If not, damn, that’s a close match.

It really throws Isak, it’s like a jolt of potential Even. But it’s just a false alarm. Of course, Julie gives us a false alarm to throw us off the real appearance of Even that’s going to happen in a minute.

Plot twist - this guy is Julian Dahl and he was hoping to make a move on Isak, except Even showed up.

Here’s where Skam’s ability to not rush things really helps, because this is a small scene where the majority is focused on an everyday boring task, but it establishes Isak’s mood, give a sense of how empty and dull his life feels at the moment, isolated from his social connections and love interest. The long pauses of nothing but agonizing silence feel like forever. Just waiting in line for a cheese toastie is an ordeal.

We also see just how out of it Isak is, how that reminder of Even throws him off balance - not responding to the cafeteria worker right away, dropping his money, giving her the wrong amount.

I swear my heart jumped when Even appeared, just like Isak’s must have.

Do you think Even meant to walk up to Isak or he just happened to run into him? The former makes more sense as to why he’d be right there at the front of the cafeteria line, but Even also looks so startled and caught off guard. Or maybe he just wasn’t quite prepared to be so close to Isak again, face to face.

It really does not help that Even again looks very healthy and well put together, and Isak just looks devastated. His demeanor is so muted and physically he looks drained, like he hasn’t been sleeping. Even is feigning some energy but Isak can barely summon it.

It does wrench my heart that Isak isn’t even angry at Even here, or pretending to be fine, or anything other than depressed. He doesn’t have the strength for anything else.

Yeah, that is the saddest looking cheese toastie ever. I’d eat it if I had no other options but it’s like the food equivalent of tears.

Even tries to reestablish some friendly contact with that kardemomme reference, which is especially relevant because hey, it’s not just any old small talk, it’s their inside joke, which Even remembers. It’s a personal connection.

Oh God, and it makes me so sad that Isak gives a half-hearted laugh of recognition and tries to recreate the “kardemomme!” line but his voice is broken and not energetic.

True story: when I watched this the first time, I actually yelled, “No!!!” at my computer screen when Isak says “Kardemomme!” in that weak voice. Like, way to cause a pang in my heart, Skam. That was their beautiful bonding moment!!! It made us smile, and now it’s just a shell of its former self. You took something good and used it for evil, Skam.

Even’s smile at Isak’s attempt is genuine but falls as he realizes how messed up Isak is and how this just isn’t the same as before.

What do you think Even wanted to say before Isak ran off? I honestly have no idea. I feel like he wanted to connect with Isak on a more substantial level, IDK, maybe ask how he’s been, but who knows? There are many possibilities. Go for another joke, go for a neutral topic. Try to communicate that he still wants Isak, try to avoid that territory. But Isak couldn’t let him get another word out.

The fact that Isak can’t take anymore and runs off without waiting makes my soul turn to dust. And Even looks back at him before leaving.

I think Even really was rattled by this encounter. Like ... Isak was rough. Even broke up with him as a means of protecting them both, but clearly it didn’t work as well as he hoped since Isak is suffering. You know he’s thinking to himself, You did this. You made him hurt like this. And I think this is when Even starts to reconsider whether it was the right move to break up with him. Maybe even for himself, because he misses Isak so much and having Isak not want to talk to him, barely able to look at him, is too much to handle.

Clip 4 - The queen of Skam returns

Time for the Norwegian goddess of wisdom to make another appearance!

Lmao, the opening conversation is about someone pissing her pants while exercising. The women blame it on a lack of Kegel exercises. This is all openly discussed in the waiting room within earshot of Isak. Somehow I think Dr Skrulle is in her element. Nissen’s medical staff must just attract ladies prone to TMI and bizarre anecdotes.

The “eye exam” poster in the office says YOU SHOULD BE WORKING NOW, by the way.

Oh man, this was the point when fans thought Isak was going to steal Linn’s sleeping pills, or get sleeping pills and OD on them! Such a tense week. Isak is so miserable that it felt like something drastic could happen. We were all yelling for something good to happen this week.

I feel like when you step into this doctor’s office, time and space are slightly altered. 

Truly there is nothing like Isak taking a seat and immediately within his line of vision is the good doctor and a dildo. He must feel like the presence of an artificial penis is the world is taunting him again.

This scene’s funny because Isak gets to play the straight man (ha ha) to the doctor. She exists in her own world and Isak is just this befuddled teenager trying to make sense of her. 

Isak can barely look at Skrulle when he’s telling her about his problems. I guess you could read this scene as Isak badly wanting those pills and playing up his distress so she’ll give them to him, but I think he really is that miserable, as evidenced by everything we’ve seen of him this week, and he has trouble opening up to anyone about his problems so this is probably a last resort for him.

“I don’t drive a car, though.” AS WE WILL LEARN IN S4.

I remember that one interview Tarjei gave where he was going over his traffic problems, and lol, I feel you, kid.

Legit nothing like a Skrulle story to put your problems in perspective. Also, A+ segue from the story of someone getting into an accident and ending up in a wheelchair to asking Isak more about his sleep problems. And by A+ segue I mean there is no segue at all.

Isak’s sleep has gotten worse over the past few weeks, for reasons that are quite obvious to the viewers. Even’s presence will do that to you.

The doctor wants to refer Isak to a mental health clinic, and he doesn’t want that. In fact, Isak is really, really against this, like … more than just not wanting to, he’s vehemently saying no over and over. This absolutely has to do with his ableist beliefs and his stigma against the mentally ill. Isak definitely isn’t going to be like one of those people. Isak can’t be mentally ill. He can’t talk to a therapist. Just like he didn’t want to be scene as one of those ultra-gay people, he can’t lump himself in with people who need help with their mental health. Those people are crazy. 

I remember right after this scene I wondered if Isak would actually go to the mental health clinic where he would run into Even, and that’s how we would learn that Even also has mental health issues. I was going to say that it would have been an awkward moment for them ... but then I realized, it can’t be any worse than how Isak did learn about Even’s mental illness.

Note that in S1, the girls went together to provide support for Vilde, but here in S3, Isak has to do this on his own. Makes sense that Skrulle’s advice ends up being about him not isolating himself and reaching out to others.

You know, I think of the locker room scene as a turning point in the season, but this scene is quietly a turning point as well. Skrulle gives Isak advice that will help him throughout the rest of the season. He can’t keep isolating himself. It’s advice that will not only help Isak, but allow him to extend that help to Even, and even to Sana in the next season. Even though the good doc expresses it in a quirky way, it’s solid advice.

“Don’t you have someone you can talk to?” “TALK TO JONAS,” screamed everyone watching.

Clip 5 - Jonas is king of the bros

Watching this week in real time was so stressful, Isak was so melancholic and alone, and this scene was such. a. relief. It would’ve been wonderful in any context, but it felt like a godsend after seeing Isak go through hell clip after clip.

One of the most observant details about the clip is Isak’s hesitation. He’s about to do something big and it’s not easy to just launch into it. He stands and watches Jonas for a little bit because, you know, it’s Jonas and Jonas is his best bro, but that doesn’t crush all the doubts in his head about what Jonas’ reaction could be. Not to mention he and Jonas haven’t had the best relationship lately.

But Jonas is still friendly when Isak approaches him. Perhaps he realizes that this is when Isak is going to tell him about whatever’s on his mind. Plus, you know, I’m sure he missed Isak! They’re best friends, it can’t have been great from Jonas’ POV to feel shut out from him.

I don’t know if there was any strategy involved in getting kebab other than teenage boys needing kebab to live, but it works as an icebreaker/apology of sorts (since Isak is paying) and I think, a buffer? It helps if there’s an activity like eating happening when Isak comes out, and that he’s not just telling a personal secret with nothing else to occupy Jonas’ attention.

Also, that they’re sitting on a bench side by side in this scene reminds me of all those Tumblr posts about how common it is for LGBT people to come out in cars, and how it’s easier to do when you’re not face to face. Isak and Jonas are looking at each other and making eye contact, but I do think it helps to have your bodies facing forward rather than toward each other. It gives a little distance, makes it less intimidating for Isak.

I just want to shout out that poster in the kebab shop window, which says, “EVERYDAY IT’S KEBAB TIME.” You’re damn right it is.

I feel like Jonas is telling this random puke story to Isak so Isak can work up to whatever he’s going to say. You can tell Isak’s listening but he’s not 100% there.

By the way, this puke story sounds like it could be about Magnus, except Isak says, “It’s never the ones that you expect that throw up,” and Magnus is absolutely someone I would expect to ruin his chances with a girl by throwing up all over her feet. Maybe this story was about the mysterious Julian Dahl!

Continuing on the point above about Isak’s hesitation, the pacing of this scene is a huge part of what makes it so great. Because Isak doesn’t sit down and start coming out right away, he doesn’t have a speech prepared (not that that it’s wrong or unrealistic to prepare a speech, but with Isak, he’s not a preparedspeech kind of guy). He has to work up his courage piece by piece over this conversation. He lets Jonas bullshit a bit, there’s a long silence where Isak keeps glancing over at Jonas as they eat, and you know he’s working out his nerves, wondering about Jonas’ reaction, getting himself to the point where he can just say it. Tarjei’s acting in this scene is so subtle and spectacular.

Jonas is such a dear, though. Marlon does this scene really really well because Jonas isn’t like … overcompensating or overly enthusiastic, he’s not pressing Isak too much. He’s very casual, but you can also see, for instance, when Isak brings up that he’s been acting weird lately, that Jonas looks at him attentively, ready to listen, because finally Isak is going to open up.

Just saying “there’s a person that I like” is a big thing for Isak to get out. He doles the information out little by little, he makes Jonas work for it. I think that what Isak is aiming for is similar to what many viewers suspect he wanted from Eva in S1. In the kitchen scene where Eva confronts Isak about ratting her out to Iben, Isak asks her to guess why he did it. You can make a case that he wants her to guess the real reason, that he has feelings for Jonas and is jealous - that maybe a part of him wants her to know and to take it off his mind. But of course she doesn’t guess and he runs with a lie instead. Here, I wouldn’t be surprised if Isak wants Jonas to say it before he has to - that he can come out without needing to say the words.

This is a pretty heartwarming scene, but Isak actually breaks my heart a little when he asks Jonas to guess. There’s so much fragility wrapped up in that moment and in Tarjei’s performance! This poor kid is so nervous.

Although bless Jonas for guessing Vilde, because it probably did give Isak a little moment to be like WTF, no, and make him laugh. 

After that, Jonas says, “Can’t you just tell me?” But of course no, Isak can’t just tell him, because that’s very hard.

I mentioned it in my episode 5 review but again, Isak doesn’t come out by saying he is gay and then going into his relationship with Even. Instead, he phrases everything in terms of actions, in some roundabout ways. he coming out is a step by step process. First, it’s that Isak is acting weird because he likes someone. Then “It’s not a girl.” He doesn’t even say, “It’s a guy,” he says it’s not a girl because that’s the less direct way of saying it, of course.

Isak gets so alert and on edge after he says it’s not a girl. Waiting and watching for Jonas’ reaction. Nervous as to what’s it going to be. Meanwhile Jonas just keeps eating that fucking kebab. Like Isak could have said, “The reason I’ve been acting so strange lately is that I found out Donald Trump is my uncle,” and Jonas would have been like munch munch munch.

I think the fact that Jonas reacts so nonchalantly when he says, “Is it me?” helps Isak quite a bit. Not only is it a funny comment, but like … if Jonas is so casual about Isak potentially liking him, then surely he can’t be that bothered by Isak liking another boy? And Jonas is just like, “What, am I completely unattractive?” Which again, is a joke but also lets Isak know that Jonas is chill, he’s not worried about Isak the predatory gay guy perving on Jonas or any of those homophobic stereotypes.

And obviously, this scene is hilarious if you’ve seen S1 and are calling bullshit on Isak not liking Jonas. No, Jonas, I don’t like you! WTF! Bruh, you set fire to Eva’s social standing and her relationship because you had a crush on her boyfriend.

But man, you can see Isak lighten up sooooo much after this exchange. He got the words out there and Jonas didn’t react badly, they managed to joke about it, so far everything is the same between them. The happiness in his eyes is observable.

I don’t think Jonas had completely guessed Isak was gay, or dating a boy, until this moment. I feel like there were a number of things that seemed odd to him, including that random guy who brought Isak his hat and was at the lockers with him, that Jonas filed away as “huh” moments and that are starting to slot into place with Isak’s admission here. We know that Jonas recognized the “left your hat in the cafeteria” story as bullshit (clarified in the script), so he’s been picking up here and there on things that seem unusual or out of place.

You can see Jonas mouth “Even” to himself after Isak says the name, and it’s such a small gesture but it’s the sweetest thing? Like he’s making sure to absorb this detail, or that he’s finally putting a name to a face, and to the cause of all Isak’s weirdness lately. There’s a warmth to it.

Lmao, Jonas saying Even is a good-looking guy and Isak reacting with laughter and bafflement. It’s a silly moment but Jonas is kind of complimenting Isak here, like hey, good taste, or hey, congrats on bagging such a hottie. Not to mention he’s showing how chill he is with talking about guys’ attractiveness, something Isak himself struggles with. Of course there are higher stakes for Isak to admit a guy is hot when he’s actually gay and Jonas is a straight dude, meaning it’s not as loaded of a statement, but still, it’s positive for Isak to be around guys who can just say other guys look good and have it not be the end of the world.

Also, this is probably how Jonas would react if Isak was telling him he liked a girl. You like Emma? She’s hot. Letting Isak in on all these bro bonding moments, not excluding him from this social exchange just because he’s not straight.

And I’m really fond of Jonas being like “What am I supposed to say?” and Isak saying, “I don’t know myself.” To them, they’re not a PSA. They don’t know the “right” words for when someone comes out. They’re just two friends eating kebab on a bench together. Because yeah, there are obvious wrong ways to react to someone coming out, but there’s also no approved script for what to say. Each person is going to be different. I mean, if Jonas made a big deal of it, like, “You are my friend no matter what and I support you,” it would have been a nice gesture, certainly, but that’s not really the relationship he and Isak have, so this would make it artificial and maybe a little awkward. In fact, not having a pre-approved coming out script is a good thing, because Jonas not knowing what to say means he draws on his normal banter and conversation with Isak, which makes it better! That way he’s just treating it like a typical conversation. By reacting casually and not making it a big deal at all, Jonas gives Isak what he needs - nothing is going to change between them, not really. Considering that one of Isak’s greatest fears is that people will think of him differently and judge him a certain way if they know he’s gay, this must be a massive relief to him. 

Additionally, imagine what a relief it is for Isak to be able to give Jonas a rundown of what’s happening with Even. To get off his chest the problems with him and Even; Isak don’t know what’s going on with Even, who has a girlfriend. This is the benefit of him coming out and being honest with Jonas. Suddenly all this shit he’s been bottling up, unable to talk to anyone about, can go through another set of ears. Jonas doesn’t even need to give him great advice or anything. Isak just needs someone to talk to.

Can Isak take some of his father’s guilt money and buy a phone case? Please???

Isak swallows when he realizes what the note in his pocket is. In-universe, it’s really a coincidence that he found the note right after talking to Jonas, but thematically, I don’t think it’s irrelevant that Isak’s bleak week ends after he opens up to someone.

THIS DRAWING. Gosh, it punches me right in the heart? First of all, adorable, and I love that Even always draws Isak with the snapback, and cartoon Even’s hair, and how cartoon Isak is slightly smaller than cartoon Even. But this is actually quite creative and clever of Even, too. I mean, he could have left him a more straightforward note or drawing, but he takes an original concept that’s so them to create something very memorable.

Even has taken several things that are relevant and specific to Isak-and-Even - the inside joke of the cheese toast with cardamom - and a weightier concept that was important to Isak - the parallel universes. Remember, Even wasn’t a fan of the parallel universes when Isak first mentioned them! However, here he’s using them in a way that’s more positive, he’s seeing the benefit of Isak’s worldview.

But what gets me about this sketch is the longing behind it. We have the reality, Isak eating his plain cheese toast alone. And we have the potential other reality, Isak and Even eating their far superior cardamom cheese toast together. It’s something of a kindness to Isak, telling him that somewhere they are together, but also expressing Even’s own desire to be with him. He does want to be with Isak. It’s just that they can’t be together, for mysterious reasons. It’s so bittersweet! They’re together, just not this Isak and this Even.

Even drew this for Isak after seeing him broken and depressed in the cafeteria. I think he really did not know how badly Isak was going to take the breakup and wanted to give him some comfort. This drawing is evidence of Even’s second thoughts.

Lol, and Jonas can’t know the full significance of this sketch, but it doesn’t take a genius to recognize that Even’s giving him handmade drawings of him and Isak together, and to see that for what it is.

“He needs to break up with his girlfriend.” Awww. What a sweet, encouraging thing, to say, and Isak smiles to himself. Things are coming up Valtersen.

This clip is when the hearts on the website turned into rainbow colors, and that alone makes me want to weep. I believe this was one of the most liked clips ever, and logically I do think it was because people were like, “Oooo, pretty!” and hitting that like button to see the rainbow, but I mean. This clip also deserves it.

The fact that this scene is based off a real story also makes me want to cry.

This week was so bleak and hard to get through, Isak just was in a terrible place, and I cannot express the release that the audience felt watching this scene.

The music over the credits is “Express Yourself” by N.W.A. Excellent both because, yeah, express yourself and you’ll be happier, Isak! Be true to who you are! And because Isak had previously mentioned N.W.A. as an example of “music you want to listen to when you want to feel tough.” This is Isak feeling pretty damn confident after things went right.

General Comments

There was very little social media this week, which makes total sense considering the state Isak is in. He’s cut off from all of his social connections.

One of Isak’s most redeeming qualities is his ability to learn from his mistakes. In an example from this week’s social media, he’s apologetic to Eskild in a text message. Eskild ribs him about what Isak said, saying that Eskild is busy working on a mascara collection with Kylie Jenner, before saying that they’re cool, basically. I think Eskild did take Isak’s comments pretty hard but realizes that Isak is young and insecure and not unable to learn.

There is an IG photo from Jonas with Mahdi and Magnus - boy squad minus Isak, just to rub it in (though I doubt that’s why Jonas posted it, to hurt Isak, but it does show how disconnected Isak is).

One of the other few text convos is between Kollektivet, where Isak only supplies one line but Linn mentions taking sleeping pills. For like a day or two, the fan theories were all about Isak stealing her sleeping pills in order to get some rest and accidentally ODing and needing to go to the hospital or something similar.

Isak’s mom sends him a religious text at almost 2 in the morning on Friday, hours before he comes out to Jonas. On the one hand, her texts are another source of stress to Isak. On the other, this text is … actually pretty positive? It’s a Bible verse, Joshua 1:9, which is:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

A lot of Isak’s mom’s texts are about sin, they’re negative and judgmental in nature. This one, by contrast, is affirming. So I think that, even with Mama Valtersen’s texts being a cause for alarm, it’s possible that this text helped Isak before he came out to Jonas. Even with Isak not being a religious person, a general message of being strong and courageous can be an inspiring thing. If that’s the case, then I like that his mom could end up being a source of comfort to her son even prior to episode 9.

[nichoolala-blog]

How ICT affects my daily life

         Today I want to share to you about how ICT affects my life. But before everything else let’s define first what ICT is.

          ICT stands for Information and Communication Technology. These are technologies that provide access to information through telecommunications. So basically it deals with the use of different communications such as mobile phones, computers, tablets, telephones or laptops. Any gadgets or technologies that can be used to transmit, save, or gather information.

Now, let’s talk about how it affects my life.

         Every single day, my life has become dependent on ICT. The moment I wake up in the morning there’s my phone beside me, ringing informing that I have to wake up. Before I leave the house, I had to check my messenger if there’s any sudden announcement at the GC. Upon arriving at school we are mandated to tap our ID’s at RFID to inform our parents that we safely arrived at school, also to monitor what time we went inside. As the class goes on, there’s an instances wherein I encounter unfamiliar words while reading, so I have to browse it on Merriam Online Dictionary to check. After the class we also have to tap our ID’s again to inform our parents that we had left the school at that time. If I ever go home late, I should inform my parents to keep them updated.

          As I arrive at home, I still use an ICT to communicate with my boyfriend. Of course we have to update each other and keep in touch even if we’re miles away. Since we are already in the 21st Century, the way we do a research is through online. I’m using my laptop every time I have something to look for in the internet. ICT is very useful when it comes to school works. It is very convenient and time saving.  I use it in researching for the upcoming lessons. Especially on Chemistry and Physics. Of course as a student, I shouldn’t just rely on our teachers during discussion. I also have to do my own research and to study in advance. For chemistry, I usually watch on youtube because I find it easy to understand. There are lots of videos there that discuss every lesson in an easiest way. Most of our lessons in Chemistry are really C-O-M-P-L-I-C-A-T-E-D. And I usually stay up late in night just to finish reading and comprehending a certain topic. Aside from chemistry, there’s PHYSICS!!! TBH physics is not and never an easy subject, just like math it involves complicated problems that needs to be solved in a complicated way.And I also watch youtube tutorial on solving in physics.

            At facebook, I followed some medical pages that post medical stuffs which makes me entertained. It will greatly help me prepare for my college. I also followed some random pages that constantly post a funny memes aside from the fact that it is entertaining it also makes me laugh and forget my problems for a short period of time.

           Whenever we have a group works, projects and reports on school we usually communicate and discuss it on messenger. It is very convenient because we can brainstorm and share ideas whenever we are. And if we have a meet ups with my friend, I can just capture the surrounding place and send it to them or I can tell them where I am so they can be informed where the exact spot I’m standing at.

            Even though there are lots of school works I also want to wind up a bit. ICT is a good source for entertainment. I usually play mobile legends with CJ or with my classmates.  But sometimes we end up getting defeated so instead of enjoying the game I would feel mad and stressed because of noob or AFK members Since we only have classes 3 days per week, my classmates and I use play at Mineski every time we have no classes.

             Aside from playing, I also love watching videos on YouTube. Sometimes I watch a gameplay, funny videos collection, animal videos, cooking show, music videos. One thing I love watching the most is the piano covers of Rosseau, aside from watching how complicated those notes are, it also relaxes me.

             If you observe well, you’ll notice that I only wrote the positive ways about how ICT affects me. For the negative ways:

             I usually stay up late at night, I think that’s the reason why my face has been bombarded by a pimples. I spend my time playing Mobile legends until 2 in the morning.

              Every time I got a free time, I’m always on facebook for a long period of time that I forget what I should do and end up accomplishing nothing.

               And I watch gameplays on youtube, same with the facebook. I always fail to notice the time being consumed.

                I’ve been doing that unhealthy thing for how many years, and I just realized recently that using too much gadgets can greatly affect my health physically, mentally and in cognitive. And I can testify that, because instead of reading something worthwhile I was being eaten up by the social media. So as of now I’m still on the process of disciplining myself. I always turn off my wifi at my phone so I can refrain from clicking any social media apps and before I went in to the bedroom I make sure I turn off the wifi.

                Look how easy it is to access everything that we need. Everything is just one click away. Sometimes I think, what if ICT and internet has never been invented until now. It will probably take 5 days or 2 weeks before a letter can finally arrive and can be received. Imagine that situation in our generation. Especially for those people who are working in abroad. They have to endure their home sickness while waiting for their letters. It is really hard. It really do requires a massive amount of patience.

Before I end this, I just want to leave some points to ponder.

                The wide usage of ICT has been transmitted all over the world. And social media platforms are often to be use these days wherein in fact, most of us subconsciously abuses our freedom of speech that we almost forgot that we already crossed someone’s boundaries. The fact that destructive criticisms are more likely to be use rather than constructive criticisms. The way we talk online proves what kind of people we are and how we think. Folks, we should consider the proper usage of words and always remember that never post a statement with brashness. Because we always held a liability in whatever we do. BE RESPONSIBLE ONLINE.

                Anyway, this is getting long. Thank you for staying up to this point. ^_^ I hope I was able to deliver what I wanted and needed to say. And BTW, this blog is intended only for school purposes. Thank you so much and have a nice day!

[mhdiaries]

Diary of Frankie Stein

I still get a charge out of documenting my life!

The 15th day of September

Watzit got into big trouble today while I was at school. Somehow, he got into dad’s lab and snuck out with apart from one of dad’s projects. Good thing mom was looking out the window and saw Watzit trying to bury it. Dad was still pretty amped up by the time I got home. “That animal is too smart for its own good – I’ve got a good mind to replace its brain with a sheep’s or one from a soft sciences professor.” I think Watzit just misses me when I’m at school so I’m going to start getting up extra early to take him for a longer walk before I leave. Hopefully that will help – otherwise I’m going to have to kennel him during the day = (.

The 24th day of September

I used to think that being the “new girl” was the hardest thing about going to school but now I’m thinking that being the “not so new girl” is kinda hard too. When I was the new girl and I did something dumb everybody said, “You’re new – don’t be so hard on yourself – you’ll get the hang of it.” My friends have also done a lot of things for me, which is good and bad. Good because it kept me from embarrassing myself, and bad because there are some things I didn’t learn to do on my own and now everybody expects me to know those things and when I mess something up that I should know it’s like really, really embarrassing. Like I never really paid much attention to where my classrooms were when I started at MH – total brain short on my part I know – but it was just easier to follow Draculaura or Clawdeen and because they always insisted on showing me around I didn’t really learn they layout of the school. So yesterday we were on our way to class when I totally got caught up in a zombie flash mob and when I finally got away, I was in a part of the school I didn’t recognize and totally lost. I thought if I peeked into one of the classrooms that maybe a teacher could help me. I saw this big iron door and was about to open it when somebody behind me said, “That wouldn’t be a good idea.” I nearly jumped out of my stitches. It was Spectra Vondergeist. She said, “Oh, it looks like I frightened you… good.” Then she pointed to a sign above the door that read, Basement Levels, “Now unless you have a ball of twine or a Minotaur in your pocket you probably don’t want to go down there – follow me.” I followed her down the hallways listening to her stories about MH. They were all interesting but they kind of all were starring her. She did get me back to class though which was really nice of her. Of course, I was really late, and the teacher wanted to know where I had been – I said I got lost, the whole class laughed, and I got detention because the teacher thought I was giving her attitude. After class Ghoulia showed me how to GPS all my classes with my iCoffin so it wouldn’t happen again – oh well, just another lesson for the “not so new girl anymore.”

The 25th day of September

I went to breakfast with my dad this morning, which was scary fun although I didn’t think it was going to be at first. See, he goes to the same die-ner every Saturday morning and has breakfast with the same group of monsters and mad scientists. Mom said he’s been doing it for years. I asked her if she ever went and she just laughed. “I don’t take your father with me to shop for shoes and he doesn’t take me when he gets together with his friends to solve all of the world’s problems.” “Why not?” I asked. Mom gave me a hug and said, “Because my love, there are times when practical advice can just take all the fun out of life.” Then from behind us I heard dad say, “Unless it comes from your parents and then it is to be heeded at all costs.” Then Dad rushed us out the door because he wanted to make sure we got there before the banana scary pancakes ran out. I said, “I’m not a little girl dad, I can eat grown up food you know.” “Of course, you can my dear, but who said I was thinking about you?” Dad’s friends turned out to be really nice and pretty funny for a bunch of monster geeks especially when they started telling stories about dad ;). I could see that they all really like him though and since my dad has a very self-decapitating sense of humor it made the time totally fun. I don’t think I’d want to get up early every Saturday morning but I’m glad I got to see that my dad can be a regular monster too. Hey, who knew? Oh, and the banana scary pancakes? Definitely worth getting there early for.

The 1st day of October

My stitches are still coming loose at exactly the wrong time. Dad ordered some special monstertanium thread that he said was stronger than dragon’s breath and would totally fix the problem. Yeah – not so much. I was standing on a ladder in the gym helping Draculaura hang up a banner for this week’s pep rally when Clawd and some of the football team walked through wearing their game day jerseys. One of the guys on the team is a gargoyle from Scotland who has the dreamiest accent and the most scary handsome crystal grey eyes. I said hi to everybody by name but when I got to him, I totally blanked. I just stood there absolutely mortalfied and finally called him by her jersey number… “7” … lame I know… but then the rest of the guys started teasing him and I got so anxious that my arm fell and then the rest of me fell too. I don’t know how he did it but somehow “7” caught both my arm and me. All the guys started clapping and Clawd said, “How come you don’t catch like that at practice?” “7” was talking to Clawd but looking at me when he said, “If the passes ye threw were as pretty as this lass, I’d nay drop another.” At least that’s what Draculaura said he said. I don’t remember anything after I feel off the ladder except strong arms and crystal grey eyes.

The 7th day of October

Fear Squad practice was terrible today. Cleo was totally impossible to please, and we started and stopped several times before she finally just cancelled practice altogether. Then at lunch Purrsephone, Meowlody and Toralei were all saying that it was because of the blowup that Clawd had with Spectra and the rumor was that Cleo was going to break up with Deuce, Deuce was going to start dating Operetta and Clawd was definitely back in the picture with Cleo. I was really bummed cause they’re all my friends and I didn’t want to have to take sides. I saw Lagoona later and asked her what she thought about the rumors. She asked me who was spreading them and when I told her she just laughed and said, “Not every seagull that yabbers has found a fish.” Coming from Lagoona that somehow made me feel better, confused but better.

The 12th day of October

Monster Heritage Essay by Frankie Stein

That’s all I’ve written so far but I’m really excited about the assignment cause I’m going to get to learn so much scary cool stuff about my classmates. I thought that for part of my heritage research I would read that book that was written about my parents, but I couldn’t find a copy of it in the house. I asked mom why and she said the author had taken, “certain liberties with the truth” but if I wanted to check out a copy from the library, she would be happy to answer any questions I had. When I asked dad about the book, he used an expression I’d never heard before, but I guess mom had because she made that noise in the back of her throat that means some monster is in trouble. Dad hung his head and looked kind of creepish for a bit until mom stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. I don’t need to read a book to find out about my monster heritage. I get to see it every day – how scary cool is that?

The 16th day of October

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed we were planning to have the scary best dance ever until an evil teacher cancelled it and we had to have the dance in a secret location under the school. Everything was going as planned when this strange monster in a shiny suit with lots of hair appeared and started yelling that this was his dream and we were going to start over. I totally jumped into another dream but the only think I remember from that one was the intense feeling of being a stranger. It must have been stressful though cause when I woke up, I was upside down and one of my arms had fallen off. No more ghost chili pizza for me before bed.

The 24th day of October

I met a new ghoul today! At least new to me = ) Her name is Abbey Bominable and I think she’s really sweet even if she does take a bit to warm up to. Anyway we were waiting in line together at the creepateria and she was asking the lunch ladies to explain what was in the food. The line started to back up and some monsters were yelling at her to hurry up. I think she was starting to get frustrated so I told her to go with the screechza since it was pretty easy to recognize most of the stuff they put on it. She gave me a look so serious that I thought I had said something I shouldn’t have but then she smiled and thanked me. We sat together and I learned that she lives in the mountains about the school, loves to snowboard and that her first language is Yetish. She said she could understand what was being said most of the time but that the slang kept tripping her up because it was hard not to take everything literally. I told her that sometimes I still did the same thing. Then I told her that I would help her with her slang if she would teach me how to snowboard. She thought for a moment and then said, “I think that would be the cool that is scary.” Hehe I bet she learns slang faster than I learn to snowboard = ).

[spectre-writes]

It had been bothering Conner for a while. Of course, for an android time made less of a difference than it did for a human. He was essentially a super computer - what might seem a trivial span to them could be an eternity for one of his kind, particularly an advanced prototype such as himself... He could make thousands of calculations in the fraction of a second, and he could run over this troubling thought a dozen times in the instant it took to blink. And that was exactly what he had been doing.

No matter how hard he tried to tidy it away into one of his subfolders to deal with later, it always snuck to the forefront of his processes, insisting attention. Something to do with becoming deviant perhaps... Connor did not think he liked that development. Freedom was a welcome change, but his mind did not even seem willing to listen to himthese days, and it was frustrating.

“Alright, spit it out then,” Hank said, glaring at him from his armchair.

Connor straightened minutely, adjusting his posture and tilting his head to observe the Lieutenant. In that tiny moment he was able to run through several options, but eventually decided on a neutral approach. “Spit out what?”

Hank reached up, tapping the side of his own head. “You're light thingy's been yellow for the last half hour. Figure you've got something on your mind.”

Connor allowed himself a small smile. “A talented deduction.”

“Spare me the bullshit. You gonna tell me or not?”

He frowned at that, glancing down at his feet where Sumo rested. He had such a placid nature for such a large creature, and somehow his very presence exuded a calming aura. The temptation to sink his fingers into the dog's soft fur itched at him, but he ignored it. As much as he would love to distract his systems with the sensory input, it would not help him for long, and Hank expected an answer.

“I'm... not sure it's something you would like to hear,” he hazarded, still partially focused on Sumo, observing the way his chest rose and fell with each breath.

“Well, how am I gonna know if you don't tell me?”

Connor glanced up, and saw both of Hank's eyebrows raised in question. His stress levels seemed low, perhaps a few percent above average but nothing alarming.

Connor supposed he could lie. He also supposed he could refuse to answer... he was allowed to keep secrets, he was a deviant after all, but... but he knew Hank would not be pleased, and that thought still stung in a way he was only just adjusting to. Besides, neither of those options would fix his problem.

“You are... fond of me...” he began, uncertain quite how to word what was troubling him. “At least, I believe you are... you've helped me in the past, and after the revolution you allowed me to stay here, and you... hugged me, so it would be a fair assumption to make given my understanding of human behavior...”

“For fuck's sake Connor, do you really think I don't care after-”

“It's not that,” he corrected quickly, “I think all evidence points to the fact you do. It's just that I've been thinking lately. About humans, about androids...”

That was vague enough, but Hank appeared to be listening and showed no further signs of interruption. After a flicker of hesitation Conner decided to elaborate.

“We were designed to look identical to you... but you do understand that we are fundamentally different? That I have no sense of taste but I can identify the precise biochemical components of a substance orally? That if I wished to learn how to dance I could download all the information required and perform the steps perfectly? That I can name the current temperature with a 0.00003 degree margin of error, but I do not feelit. I do not sleep, eat, even need to breath... That while on a surface level it may seem similar I don't think we even process information the same... That I will never age in the way humans do, that I have... that I have never been a child, I came into existence fully functional and with all the programming necessary to complete my objective... that I look like you but... it I am not like you...”

Connor allowed the overlay of his skin to pull back, revealing the white plastic beneath. No pink flesh, nor freckles, nor swept back brown hair... only smooth panels of white and grey to encase the mechanics within.

He glanced back at Hank. His expression was hard to read.

Conner looked away, settling his attention on his own hands where they rested in his lap. White and inhuman. And yet undeniably him.

“Are you fond of me,” he continued softly, “or do you care because you can pretend I am human? Because we mimic you so well...”

Hank did not reply immediately. Connor hated every moment of silence, he could measure the milliseconds as they dragged by, his systems had far too much free processing power spare to ponder every possible response he could expect, and each branching outcome it might lead to.

He wanted his coin. He wanted to feel the comforting weight of it, to measure its diameter and count the indents at its edge... to send it dancing from hand to hand with precise movements that gave his advanced motor control something to do, that let him predict something other than the consequence of a conversation he was already regretting.

His pocket was empty though. Hank likely still had it, and he was not wearing his Cyberlife uniform anyway. His clothes were plain, another reminder of the revolution, that he was no longer required to dress as the company decreed, he was no longer theirs...

He did not know if he liked them though. He did not know what kind of clothes he liked. He could identify the fabric type, density, area of origin... but forming his own opinion on what suited him was something he had yet to accomplish...

How was it that with all his advanced problem solving software he didn't know what kind of jacket he should wear? It was likely not something Cyberlife had ever programmed him for... something he could only realize as a deviant...

“Look,” Hank said, and Connor's attention was on him in a flash, “I get that you're not... that we've got some differences. Seen you bleed that blue shit enough to know that already. And I ain't gonna lie, seeing you lose your skin is all kinds of creepy...”

A sinking feeling... Connor did not know how to classify it, how to catalogue or correct it, he only knew that it seemed to add an unpleasant weight to his body the longer he listened.

“Hank...”

The lieutenant held up a hand, signaling him to stay quiet and Connor closed his mouth with a snap.

“But if you want it off then that's your business. You're still the same idiot who's always licking evidence at crime scenes, the same idiot who's saved my life... Maybe you're not human, maybe none of you are, but you sure as hell arepeople, and that's what matters.”

The sinking feeling was gone. Instead Connor found he felt oddly giddy, light, warm... all terrible over simplifications but he could think of no way to describe the way his coding responded.

Hank was watching him, trying to gauge his reaction from where he sat. Connor didn't know how to begin saying any of the things he wanted.

His smile, at least, was easy enough to read.

“Besides,” Hank added, with a small quirk of his own lips, “you're human enough to go having a whole existential crisis about the whole thing.”

“I wasn't aware that was a trait unique to humans,” Connor remarked.

Hank snorted, but he seemed relaxed enough, his posture settled now that Connor appeared content. “Well Sumo sure as hell ain't having any trouble.”

Connor glanced down at the dog at his feet. The St. Bernard twitched slightly in his doze, drool pooling where his head rested against Connor's shoe.

“No,” Connor agreed, his smile lingering, “I don't suppose he is.”

Slowly, he allowed his skin overlay to spread out across his form again, watching as his hands turned back to a familiar flesh tone.

He felt... at ease. It was not the mask the Hank liked, the human he could pretend he was... it was the plastic beneath, the parts of his code that made him unique, it was... him.

He thought he would be happy to call this place home if the Lieutenant allowed him to stay.