#also not to be an old man but why are nintendo games so fucking easy nowadays

[celepeace]

Genuinely with the death of nintendo handheld low-cost games that came with the switch, as every continuing handheld series became a switch series and thus had a price increase, a lot of their most kid-friendly franchises have become more and more inaccessible to children, especially now that nintendo has decided to follow every other major console and has started pricing new games even higher.

And now that a lot of these series are so old and thus a lot of their fanbase has aged into adulthood, a lot of these series would benefit greatly from making some of the new entries more adult-oriented. But nintendo very stubbornly wants to keep their main franchises as kid-friendly as possible, sometimes severely restricting the potential of these series by not allowing them to explore things like more complex mechanics, higher difficulty, or darker topics that past entries have brushed over in favor of keeping the age rating low. Pokemon's core battle engine has been in want of an overhaul for years now, and Legends Arceus kind of did that but not wholly, for example.

This would be pretty understandable in the interest of keeping every entry of these series accessible to all age groups, but with inflating prices, who are these games even for anymore? A normal kid with your average allowance from their parents isn't going to be able to afford tears of the kingdom or even $60 pokemon games more often than not. Back when these games were $30-$40, sure, if they saved up, but now many families have even tighter budgets than ever due to the rising cost of living. Nintendo is pricing themselves out of their target audience while simultaneously leaving their adult fans who have been with them since childhood to feel neglected in favor of exclusively making games for today's children.

Obviously nintendo will always make sales because even though they make children's games, they're still fun as hell for a person of any age, and many kids will be able to afford their games once in a while, but it does feel like they're kind of... making their games for an audience that barely exists.

[spikeinthepunch]

@ps3hasnogames replied to your post “i didnt play botw when it came out bc im just not...”:

my man hadn't ever played Zelda, thought they looked boring as fuck, and then grew love for the series from playing botw as his first. i mean i think botw is one of the first (citation needed) loz games that gives you direct dialogue prompts from link so there IS a character there. plus there's his relationship with the champions and reliving his memories... iunno i think giving botw a real shot would benefit your perception of it a lot

​yeah i get that too-- i wouldnt say the old ones were a complete turn off for me but knowing they were more one off stories, i preferred games with loads of continuity that affected characters more directly i guess! botw/totk bringing in voice acting and prompts for link, and additionally getting a sequel expanding further was much more attractive to me in that regard lol.

i would like to play botw before totk bc i am the type who needs to play everything in a series even if i kinda know things about it. might see if my brother has it physical and then i may just get it from him so i dont have to buy it (new game prices are a easy way to deter me and also why i havent played much of these nintendo releases tbh)

[croakings]

blorbo-eeby deeby (all of them) for breath of the wild, or just legend of zelda in general ;)

(x) PAN 💖💕💞💗💖 hi hello and thank you u hit the center of the dartboard. im gonna do both bc why not ok here we go

readmore because this got long lmao

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

sheik from oot and i will not b accepting any questions at this time in general and kass from botw

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

agatha from twilight princess is like, the closest, and then the rito kids from botw. i don't really suffer from cuteness aggression but they are all Very Shaped and also eccentric. in this house we love and support weird children

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

medli from ww (i wanted to be her friend SO BAD as a child) and literally all the monks in botw. they turned themselves into magic mummies for Destiny. respect. i wouldn't

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

the goddesses as a double decker answer. i'm a cringe loz theologian cobbling together a coherent mythology from nintendo's meagre scraps. whenever they show up(ish) i fall through the ceiling to start an unskippable 6 hour power point presentation. they're not exactly "obscure", but i’d be willing to bet cash money very few other people care very much about them. but i do. I Care

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

this isn't super controversial but vaati from minish cap. why the hell is he like that. he's so funny. he's just Some Guy. cringe fail idiot wizard. from botw fucking. muzu. yeah the angry old zora. i think more people in video games should be shitty to you for their own reasons. it makes it spicy. he does forgive you but i'll forgive him for that. we can pretend it didn't happen.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

in general this is such a difficult fucking decision but also not really, i'm dropping majora's mask into a jar and shaking it like a bug. with the fierce deity mask if i'm allowed to do that. in botw it's revali. he seems easy to upset. i don't think he'd actually do anything to me if i repeatedly kicked him in the shin

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

in general the wind fish i will never be over how it just LEAVES YOU STRANDED IN THE FUCKING OCEAN ON A RAFT, THAT ITS DREAM, THAT YOU SAVED IT FROM, WRECKED. bitch. in botw idk kohga? we pretty much do that to him in-game anyway. he is kinda in a doomsday cult tho maybe instead i would send him to super therapy. otherwise robbie he's a fucked up little man i think he would have fun there

thank you for the ask!!!!!!! i had to ponder some of these it was a fun time. i'm gonna go uno reverse card you now

[oureuphoria]

Liars, Humans and Werewolves, Oh My.

Synopsis: Your father (a werewolf) and your mother (a werewolf) were concerned about your friend-making skills so they made deal with Jungkook to befriend you (a human). He knew he shouldn’t have agreed, he knew from the moment he spoke with you that it would blow up in his face but he genuinely believed what you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you. It was a friendship founded on lies but to Jungkook it was the realest thing he knew.  or “I don’t study fictional characters for fake friends, Y/N.”

Genre: fluff, angst, crack

Pairing: werewolf!jungkook X  human!reader

Word count: 7.9K

Warnings: I don’t think there is any but lemme know if I’m wrong.

Note: Hiiiii!! Okay, so this oneshot was long overdue I am so sorry but I hope you enjoy. I’m not American and I’m not a werewolf so if any information is inaccurate I sincerely apologise. I proofread but there's a chance there might be some mistakes because I am a fool. 

 You approached your father as he was loading the car. “Why do we have to go?” You whined while also sluggishly lugging extremely large bags into the car to help him. “It’s a learning experience Y/N. Stop whining.” Your face fell at your his stern exclamation but the second he turned around you stuck your tongue out at him. “I just don’t understand the fundamentals of going to New York for 2-weeks just for a stupid party where you, mom and Miri have loads of fun while Henry and I suffer.” He ignored you as he closed the trunk and told you to get in. You were not making the car ride easy and your dad had to threaten to leave you on the side of the road to get you to stop complaining.  

You were fully aware that werewolves were often stigmatised and misunderstood but you couldn’t help but panic a little when you were stuck in a room full of them. Sure, your fear was foolish since both humans and werewolves had been at peace for centuries but for some unrecognisable reason, all knowledge of the peaceful history left your mind the moment you entered the huge hall. Your dad was a human but turned before your mom gave birth to your eldest sister, Miri. She came out a werewolf, you and your younger brother Henry, however, didn’t. Although your sister was considered a full-blooded werewolf (and thanks to your mother an extremely prestigious werewolf at that), you and Henry were outcasts. It was uncommon for human-turned-werewolves to reproduce humans ‘lacking the wolf gene’ and being dragged to this party with your family just reminded you of the fact that you were in retrospect, a failure. At least you had your 14-year-old failure of a brother by your side. 

While everyone coexisted in tranquillity, it was unorthodox for a human to know about werewolves unless they were a werewolf’s mate or in your rare case, a failed human child of two werewolves. You were sure you could never be any werewolf’s soulmate or anyone's soulmate for that matter, your heart was sworn to Netflix and 50 cats. The unorthodoxy of your situation meant that there was always an impenetrable tension between you and werewolves, one that made you extremely uncomfortable. 

Despite all the weird stares and snarls that were hurled your way, your dad was optimistic. He always thought that being a human was great and that these parties were just simply learning curves that you needed to get past. “Henry, if you eat one more cupcake you’ll turn into one. Slow down!” He mocked you before shoving the other half of the cupcake in his mouth. You rolled your eyes and walked away to find him a napkin before you were kidnapped by your father. “Dad, what-“ “Y/N, say hi to the Jeons.” You didn’t really remember the Jeon family that much. All you knew was that your father and Jeon Songwook used to be super close. You also knew that when Songwook later married his beautiful wife, he had 2 children. Junghyun and Jungkook. Junghyun was the eldest and graduated with your sister, he was standing there clad in an expensive suit next to his girlfriend who’d you’d met at the last extravagant party. Jungkook was standing there also clad in an expensive suit with his eyes trained on your sister. You mustered the best smile you could though you were sick and tired of being the family’s pity show and tell story. 

“Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you, you’re the same age as Jungkook right?” You nodded subtly, unsure where this conversation was going. “I heard you got a perfect score on your SAT.” You saw Jungkook’s face morph into one of anger in the corner of your eye. “Dad-“ Before Jungkook could finish his father put his hand on your shoulder. “Walk with me, Y/N?” You looked at your father for help but he just shrugged. Your mother mouthing ‘don’t fuck this up’ at you as you walked past her. “Jungkook, he’s very athletically talented but he’s not the most academically inclined. He got into Princeton but purely on sports and I’m concerned that if he doesn’t get his grades up, he won’t have a back-up plan.” You nodded understandingly, he seemed like a genuinely nice man from what you could tell so you listened to him. 

“What are you asking me to do, sir?” He chuckled at your worried eyes. “Just call me, Songwook, Songy if you want, that’s what your dad calls me.” You let out a small laugh, fighting back the urge to yawn. “I know that you’re going to Princeton too and I also know you’re taking a class in photography. Your dad showed me a couple of your photos, they really are beautiful.” Before you could even begin to thank him he continued. “My son is majoring in corporate law, like you, and I just thought it might be easier for him to start off if he had the support of someone as intelligent as you.” “Sir, I’m really not that smart-” He cut you off with a wave of his hand. “Nonsense, every parent in this room wishes they had a child as smart as you.” You laughed a little harder than last time. You wished that was true but you knew it was quite the opposite. Everyone here was just glad they weren’t raising two humans. 

“So, do you want me to tutor him?” He nodded with a smile and you smiled back half-heartedly. You were already on bad terms with the werewolf society and now you were about to get on the bad side of the human one. Jungkook went to your high school but it was big and you never really talked to him. He was popular, naturally, and the attention that he generated was mostly from girls, also naturally. He was seen as untouchable though, he was nice, polite and a true charmer but he never stayed with a girl long enough to call her his. It felt weird to call him a fuck boy because he didn’t fit the image. He wasn’t reckless or cruel and he wasn’t a complete boneheaded idiot with a lack of morals. He was admirable, truly and from what you had known there was not a single person who hated him. You had a theory that he was emotionally unavailable because he was waiting for his mate but you never spent too long on it, you never really cared enough to.

Songwook walked you back to the cluster that was your merged families and once your family was alone you were bombarded with questions from your parents. “What did he say to you?” You gave them a pointed look to which they gave you a playful slap on the arm. “Hurry!” You took a deep breath creating suspense before ruining all their hopes in one sentence. “He just wanted me to tutor his son.” Your dad elbowed you slightly before letting out a long sigh. “We were worried he was going to ask you to marry Jungkook or something.” You started laughing uncontrollably before stopping abruptly. “What’s Miri doing with him, she knows he’s just into one night stands.” Your father shrugged before your mother interfered. “We warned her but your sister is old enough to make her own decisions.” You scoffed before turning to face them with crossed arms. “So, she can have sex with a guy that you know is going to leave after but I can’t buy a Nintendo Switch? She’s only 2 years and 7 months older than me!” Your parents just blinked at your outburst before they floated away to go impress another family.  

You went to find Henry but he was nowhere to be seen and you literally searched everywhere. He was probably hiding in the men’s room on his phone watching Netflix but you couldn’t just go in there. You saw Jungkook leaning against a wall on his phone so you approached him without really thinking about what you were going to say. “Jungkook!” He looked up from his phone and gave you a tired smile. “This might be a little weird but do you think you can go into the men’s bathroom to see if my brother is in there?” He looked at you with widened eyes, he nodded slowly before making his way to the bathroom, you trailing behind him, he turned around and scratched his neck sheepishly. “Uh…what’s his name again? Sorry, I forgot.” You let out a laugh that you were trying to suppress before letting him know that his name was Henry. 

Once Jungkook made it out, your brother next to him, you gave him a huge beaming smile. “Thank you!” He just nodded in return before making his way off to the bar. “Oh shit, you have a crush on Jungkook!” You turned around to look at your brother with a face of confusion. “What?” You gave him a good slap on the back of the head but he was undeterred. “You totally find him cute.” You rolled your eyes before putting your arm around his shoulder. “Everyone finds him cute. Now, I think I found a way to convince mom and dad to let us buy a Nintendo Switch.” 

You had spent hours with Henry, even though he was 14, you were closer to him then you’d ever be to Miri. That wasn’t her fault though, it just turned out that way. “So, are you going to buy the new Resident Evil game?” You already knew where this was going. “Yeah, so that you can play the entire game before me.” He groaned at your stubbornness, refusing to let that one incident go. “How many times must I say I am sorry?” He was swinging your arm back and forth while exclaiming dramatically. Eventually, though, your parents came back and let you know it was time to go back to the hotel. 

You were moving to New Jersey in 3 days and Henry did not like that. “Take me with you, I can fit inside your luggage if you make a little room.” Henry had been attached to your hip ever since this week had started. “I told you, I’ll kidnap you after I leave so it doesn’t seem suspicious.” He laughed, flopping down on the couch next to you. “I’m going to miss you. I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive as the only person of culture in this household” You furrowed your eyebrows at him. “Dad’s okay sometimes.” He gave you an all-knowing look and you sighed. “Okay so you’ll have to be the only person of culture for a bit but I’ll be back before you know it.”  

Jungkook had avoided you the first week there. Whenever you tried to approach him he’d pretend he was busy or blatantly ignore you. You called your dad for help and he just said he’d talk to Songwook about it but it had been 2 days and he still made you feel like a plague-infested rat. You were in the library, reading over your schedule and trying to make sense of it. You were horribly bored but there was nothing better to do so you sat there and played games on your phone.

“You’re a snitch.” The voice scared you so much you threw your phone and lost at the game. “And you made me lose a chance at beating my high score!” You picked up your phone and looked up to be met with an angry Jungkook. “Yikes, who hurt you?” You went back to your phone but he snatched it out of your hand. “I don’t need your help.” You put your arms up to ‘surrender’ though you had no idea why he was so angry. “I didn’t know, your dad-” “My dad doesn’t care about my grades, just my reputation. You’d know all about damaging your parent's reputation though so no wonder he asked you.” You gulped, that was unexpected. “Gee, thanks.” You packed up whatever you had out on the table as quickly as you could and left. “Fuck…Y/N wait I didn’t mean that!” You heard him yell after you but you didn’t care, this was the one place where you thought you could escape it but your image followed you everywhere as long as a werewolf was there. 

You rented an apartment alone, not wanting to deal with the havoc of dormitories or live with your sister and her chaos. You had saved up enough to maintain yourself for a while, doing small jobs at your dad's law firm sure helped but now you needed a real job. You weren’t too stressed about finding a job yet because you had some time and you were a master procrastinator. What really stressed you out was college. If anyone found out about your ‘background’ everyone would think that you bought your way in and that was the last thing you needed, all you had to do was avoid anyone you knew and remain unnoticed. Which would be hard considering your sister and Jungkook were around.

Thinking about Jungkook was starting to make you mad again so you got up and stretched, ready to unpack the few boxes that now contained your entire life. The apartment came furnished and you had already been up there to get the bulkier stuff settled with your family’s help so now you just had to sort through smaller things which you did with a frown. Once you were done, you expected to feel a sense of completion, excitement even, but you felt nothing. If anything you felt scared. 

It was a Wednesday in your second week of college. You desperately hoped it would go better than your first week though you can’t think of a way for it to go any worse. But of course, the world is full of surprises. “Y/N!” You turned the other way when you saw Jungkook jogging towards you. You tried to walk with as much speed as you could muster but he was an athlete, you should’ve known better. “Y/N, I’m sorry, what I said was horrible.” He stopped in front of you while you looked at your feet. “It’s okay, I won’t snitch. I already forgot about it.” You tried to reason but he clearly didn’t believe you. “Why’d you turn around the other way then?” You stayed silent because you had no good excuse. “Let’s meet for lunch, my treat, I owe you.” You shook your head quickly. “I already ate lunch.” He looked at you weirdly before laughing. “Y/N it’s 8:30, I believe we call that breakfast.” Your face morphed into an embarrassed smile as you wished desperately for the ground to swallow you whole.

“So, you’re an alpha?!” Jungkook gestured for you to quieten down as while he looked around cautiously to see if anyone overheard. “No way, you totally don’t seem like an alpha.” He looked at you with an offended face which you just shook off. “Come on, alphas don’t run after people just to apologise, Jungkook.” 

 “Well, they can.” He retorted with just as much spite as you. “Evidently.” You looked him up and down while you said it and he flicked your forehead in response. You tried to take a bite of your burger but parts of it started slipping out. “I don’t know why they say Miri is the better sister, you clearly have so much class.” He said this while you were trying to eat your now deformed burger but you were not enjoying the scrutiny. “You’re so funny.” You replied mockingly which just made him laugh in return. “So, why the sudden change of heart? You used to look at me like I ran over your dog.” He winced at the memory before putting his fork down. “It was embarrassing, I never asked for help before and it was weird for me. Besides, I didn’t actually need help my dad was just paranoid.” You nodded understandingly because you sure did understand, you hated asking for help just as much as the next guy but you weren’t as well-rounded as Jungkook was, you definitely needed help in some areas. 

“If I was a werewolf, I’d be an alpha, right?” Jungkook gave you one look before laughing obnoxiously, you put a hand on your heard feigning offence. “You’d be a beta.” You were now genuinely offended but pushed that back for the moment to provide room for your curiosity. “Why?” When he looked at you with a playful gaze you were prepared for a snarky comment. “Because people who want to be alphas are automatically betas. You don’t choose your role, your role chooses you.” You gave him a playful nudge into the wall as he was walking you home. “Okay Gandalf, when did you get so wise?” He laughed harder than he should’ve and you gave him a questioning look. “Who even is that?” Your eyes widened in shock. “Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit?” When he still looked at you with the same blank stare you shook your head disappointingly. “Only a nerd like you would reference something from Lord of the Rings.” You nudged him a little harder this time but he was more prepared. “Y/N, I really am sorry about what I said.” You waved him off.  “Admit I’d make the best alpha and I’ll forgive you.” His eyes met yours in an annoyed glare but they still seemed so beautiful to you. You had to tell yourself to stop staring before it got awkward. Maybe Henry was right, maybe you did have a tiny crush on Jungkook, but in reality, who didn’t?

“You’re late.” You quickly sat down in front of him, 15 minutes after you’re appointed time. “I know, I’m sorry. The lecture ran over schedule.” He shook his head in fake disappointment and you sighed before playing along. “A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.” Jungkook looked at you blankly, blinking far too much in an attempt to make you realise how random your references were. “Gandalf, again.” He muttered ‘nerd’ under his breath and went back to his papers. You hit him with your pen. Despite his father’s word, Jungkook was doing well but you had to admit that he was trying a lot harder than he did in high school.

“Thanks for joining me, I didn’t want to study alone.” You peered over your shoulder to look at the group of girls that were staring at him and giggling. “Could’ve asked someone from your fan club.” When he looked up at you in confusion, you cocked your head to the side that they were on and he sighed heavily. “They do that to every guy, trust me.” You nodded your head with a teasing look which he didn’t find amusing but he didn’t say anything after and you grew worried. “Hey, do you mind covering for me for tomorrow’s 2pm class? I have a wolf thing I have to deal with, just tell the professor that I had a meeting with my coach.” You nodded hesitantly, concerned about what had been stressing him out so much but you didn’t press. It had been 2 weeks since your lunch with him and since then you’d found out a handful of things about Jungkook. He was a competitive swimmer, he had a fear of microwaves, he did not hook-up with your sister and he didn’t like sharing information about himself. 

When Jungkook showed up the day after the 2pm class he had to miss, he looked horrible. He had a cut on his lip that was healing and scattered bruises on his face. With how fast werewolves healed, you assumed this was far better than what it had been last night. “You look like roadkill.” You wanted to ask what had happened and if he was okay, but you knew where that would have gone so you skipped the small talk. “Shit, really?” He seemed panicked about what you said which made you even more concerned, it was obvious you were kidding. “No, you look fine just a little beaten. Are you okay?” He didn’t face you so you grabbed his shoulder to make him though when you did you felt a bandage through his shirt. He winced at the contact and you pulled your hand off like it was a hot stove. “Sorry. Jungkook, what happened?” He turned to you and smiled, pulling you by the forearm to your morning class. “There was already a pack here and you can’t have two alphas so I had to fight him. But I won and I’m fine. Trust me, he looks even worse.” You laughed but it seemed half-hearted, you were glad he shared this much though, it was more than you hoped for. 

“So, recap on the class. Professor lost his shit at Daniel because he kept swinging on the chair and fell. We discussed conflict of interest in workplaces so shit got gory and someone walked in drunk. Welcome to Ivy League, huh?” He chuckled but it seemed fake and you wondered if he was even listening. You didn’t press further, you thought he had done enough sharing for that day. “Anyways, I have my photography class now so I’m going to go.” He nodded absentmindedly and you walked away with a clouded mind and a heavy heart. You worry made you realise that you definitely liked Jungkook in a completely non-platonic way. You were royally screwed. 

You had made a friend in your photography class, his name was Berlin and he approached you for help at first which you didn’t really mind, you needed friends anyway. He asked if you wanted to join him after class to take some pictures around the college to help him with his new DSLR. You agreed with a little hesitation, unsure of how he got into the class with that little knowledge about cameras but you didn’t think much of it, his parents were probably rich. He had a black eye too but he told you it was from his martial arts classes and you believed him because it seemed like a genuine excuse. You had explored almost every surface of the giant campus and surprisingly had a lot of fun, it was refreshing to find someone with the same hobby as you. You called it a day at around 6pm, your class having finished at 4pm. You said goodbye and went home, determined to eat the cereal you had been craving. After saying goodbye, you went home to your eerily quiet apartment, you missed Henry. 

“So, how’s college going?” You were eating with your sister who had finally found time for you in her extremely busy schedule. “It’s fine, I hate Professor Golden though.” She laughed, almost choking on her food so you passed her the cup of water. “Thanks. I totally remember hating Professor Golden too, we all made jokes about his last name.” You laughed a little before returning to your food. A thick tension grew in the air, your talks with her were always silent and awkward. You had very little in common. 

“I can’t believe my baby sister is already a college freshman.” She cooed at you and you couldn’t help but laugh. She was almost 3 years older but sometimes she made it feel like 13. “Any college guys you find cute?” Your brain stopped working for a moment and you were unsure if you should tell her. “Come on, you can tell me.” She tried to pry it out of you while you just nervously smiled, trying to avoid her questions. Eventually, you gave up because it wasn’t like her to give up on gossip. “I think I like Jungkook.” Her face dropped dramatically and it made you panic a little. “Miri, what’s wrong?” She held your hand and looked at you sympathetically. “Y/N, he’s a werewolf.” She said something that wasn’t new to you. You’d repeated this to yourself far too many times to count. “I know. I’m not expecting anything to happen, I didn’t even expect this to happen it just did. Besides, I’m not in love with him, I’ll get over it.” You felt judged under her stare but you knew she meant well, no matter how harshly she came off sometimes. “Well, he rejected my advances so I really don’t think he’d be interested in you. I’m sorry, Y/N.” 

Miri said stupid things often. She lacked the emotional filter behind her words and offended people a lot. You grew thick skin thanks to her but this was where you drew the line. Your entire life you felt lesser than her and she promised you that she’d never do anything to make you feel that way and yet here she was, making you feel like you’ll never amount to her prestige. “Sorry, I need to get back I forgot I had a paper due by 5.” You left a $50 bill on the table and left before she could say anything else to potentially worsen the low blow she just gave you. You felt bad for walking away so abruptly, but you were not in the mood to argue with her, not again.

Unfortunately, your plans of moping on the couch all day were ruined when Jungkook had come over after hearing about the failure of a lunch with your sister, however, you spared him the details. “I bought a bag of junk food, McDonald’s and a whole pack of banana milk.” You smiled at him thankfully from your sad position on the couch which you were sure you were chemically bonded with now. “Did you get popcorn?” He was sorting through the bags before turning to you. “And risk dying via microwave? No thanks.” You laughed before getting up to join him. “Wait till I tell your pack that their alpha is scared of microwaves.” He gasped before clasping his heart dramatically. “You wouldn’t dare.” He started chuckling straight after, an adorable smile on his face.

You watched like 3 movies already and Jungkook was yet to feel sleepy, you, however, were seconds away from passing out. You were both on the couch, legs intermingled under the blanket, your head on his shoulder. It was your first time being this intimate with him and you hated how good it felt. “Jungkook, I’m sleepy.” You looked up at him and he smiled sweetly, forcing you to immediately look away. So, much for ‘getting over it’. “I’ll get going then.” He stood up to stretch, you following him. He grabbed his things off of your coffee table and walked to the door. 

“Jungkook, wait!” He turned around as he watched you come towards the door with the pack of banana milk. He fought back a smile as you dropped it into his arms. “Take it, you like them more than I do now.” He chuckled as he watched your eyes intently. “Thank you.” You smiled back at him before realising he was staring at you. Your smile fell as you stared back. “What? Is there something on my face?” You moved your hand to go over your face and he shook his head through hushed laughter. “Goodnight, Y/N.” He had just opened the door when you called out his name and once he turned, you kissed him. He didn’t pull away, just stood there in shock, you first to pull away actually and a flood of regret came crashing into your head immediately after. “Jungkook, I’m so sorry-” Before you could finish he was out the door and you cursed yourself for your spontaneous impulses. 

Jungkook had ignored what had happened miraculously, even during your apology he seemed unbothered. He probably felt bad for you but you were just glad he wasn’t mad or upset, besides, now you could truly focus on trying to get over him. You spent most of the day working on your study notes, trying to memorise stuff as best you could. By the time you stopped, it was already 8pm and you had skipped both lunch and dinner. You scavenged your fridge to look for something edible and settled on a pudding cup. College Y/N was doing great.

At around 9, you got a knock on your door which you cautiously went to answer, after seeing that it was Jungkook through the eyehole you opened the door to let him in, strangely, he was really angry. “What the fuck is this, Y/N?” He held out his phone of you to show a picture of you smiling, the sender being Berlin. “It’s a picture of me, how do you know Berlin? Are you friends?” Your lighthearted tone made Jungkook realise it wasn’t your fault that Berlin decided to get to you and that there was no way you could have known. “Y/N, Berlin is the alpha of the pack I took over, he’s messing with you to get to me.” You were mostly shocked but you also felt a little upset. You genuinely thought he was your friend. “I don’t want you anywhere near him, he’s dangerous.” You shook your head a little. “Sure he may be a little mad at you but we’re friends, I-” “I mean it, nowhere near him.” You held your hand out for him to pass his phone over so you could double-check that it was Berlin. You compared the number to the one on your phone to realise that it was indeed him. “You have his number already, fuck Y/N.” Your face hardened before you turned to him. “Sorry, I don’t have a ‘wolf’s intuition.’” You added air quotes for effect which he didn’t quite appreciate. 

You noticed his wet hair and his gym bag. “Did you just finish training? Jungkook it’s nearly 10pm.” He shrugged, grabbing his phone back from you and crash landing onto your couch. You couldn’t help but wonder how he could look so beautiful all the time. Sure, you always knew that he was good-looking but it felt like you were looking at a completely different man than high-school-Jungkook. He had endearing eyes, they could look so wide at moments and so closeted in others. His lips were soft, perfectly contrasting his sharp jaw, complementing each other beautifully. He was incredibly alluring in so many ways and it was impossible to escape it, no matter how hard you tried.

Jungkook held onto his shoulder, seeming like he was trying to soothe it from pain. You got up from your seat across from him and moved to stand behind him, taking over his hands and rubbing his shoulder for him. “Fuck, you’re good at this.” You hummed in agreement before laughing jokingly. “I am, right? They should call me Dr Bones.” He leaned his head forward to give you more access, ignoring your joke. You could physically feel how tense his muscles were and it made you worry a lot. Jungkook was the type who could work himself to death, stare at his dead body and still claim that he didn’t work hard enough. “Stop, or I’ll fall asleep. Thank you though.” He got up and grabbed his bag from the floor and made his way to the door. He turned around right before he left. “Y/N. I mean it, stay away from Berlin.” You nodded but you weren’t sure how you were supposed to just start avoiding him without seeming suspicious, besides, he was your only photography friend. 

“Hey, Y/N!” Berlin took the seat next to yours like he had been this past week, you didn’t say anything about it because you thought it would be fine but you did begin to regret it when he started whispering to you. “Why so quiet?” You gulped while playing with your camera bag. “I just didn’t get much sleep.” He nodded though you were sure he didn’t believe you. “Meet me behind this building after class. It’s important.” You probably shouldn’t have agreed and you probably shouldn’t have followed through with it but you did because you were an idiot. “You’ve been quiet. Jungkook told you, didn’t he?” You were playing with the sleeves of your jumper when you nodded, he sighed in return. “He took away my pack, my position, it seemed only right that I take something of his.” You gave him a pointed glare, staring at him without a wave of newfound anger. 

“I’m a person if you haven’t realised. Not a pawn in your stupid scheme for vengeance. Whatever you have with Jungkook is between you and him, don’t drag me into this.” You were about to walk back but he stopped you, blocking your way with his arm. “Y/N, don’t make me hurt you. All I want is for you to tell Jungkook to back down from my pack.” You smiled with feigned innocence. “Why don’t you tell him? I thought alphas were supposed to be brave…or did Jungkook take your balls too?” Berlin pinned you against the wall, his hands around the collar of your jumper. “You don’t wanna fight me, Y/N.” You pushed his arms off of you, straightening out your clothes. “You’re right, I don’t but since you so gracefully shared with me your perspective, I feel like I have to.” He laughed mockingly before leaning down to stare directly at your face. “And how do you plan on beating a werewolf?” You smiled again, so sweetly it made Berlin sick. In all honesty, you were terrified. If he called on your bluff this would turn into a complete shit-show, you had no fighting experience, you were all bark and absolutely no bite. 

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Before you could decipher where the voice came from Berlin was leaning against the wall against you in pain after the fresh punch to his face from Jungkook. When Jungkook’s eyes locked with yours, he cocked his head to the side. “Go.” You would have protested but his face kind of scared you. You walked away, looking over your shoulder every few steps to make sure no one was dead. 

“What the fuck were you thinking? Y/N has nothing to do with this.”  “But she does, doesn’t she…?” Berlin started and Jungkook eyes narrowed. “She’s going to find out eventually and then she’ll hate you for not telling her.” Jungkook grabbed him by the collar while he was still against the wall. “If she finds out, it won’t be from you.” He let Berlin go roughly and glared at him before walking away. “She’s going to hate you, you know!” Berlin screamed but Jungkook continued walking away, unsure of how Berlin even found out about Jungkook’s secret.

“Stripes or no stripes?” Jungkook was making you choose between his endless collection of ties and you were so bored you started counting the dots on a polka-dotted one. “Y/N!” You snapped back into reality and faced him with a sheepish smile. “Sorry…no stripes, makes you look more mysterious.” He nodded before putting his stripped ties to the side. “Why are you so stressed about this dinner, anyway? It’s just my family and your family in some fancy restaurant talking about the same boring things over and over.” Jungkook desperately wanted to tell you what had changed but he couldn’t, not yet. “No reason, I just want to impress your parents.” You gave him a scrutinising look and he just avoided it. “Since when do you care about impressing anyone?” He sighed before snatching his polka-dot tie out of your hands. “Go get ready, we’re going to be late.” 

“Take the next left…and the destination should be on your right.” You spoke while mocking the navigator which just made Jungkook stare at you weirdly. “I’m bad with directions, I live off of this thing.” You held up your phone to gesture to the navigation app before getting out of his car. “Do I look okay?” He asked nervously and you looked at him, he looked much better than okay. He was clad in slacks and a dress shirt, no tie to your distaste. You remembered arguing with him after he had chosen to not wear a tie after all your efforts. His hair was getting longer but you loved it, especially the way he had styled it that night, not to mention the fact that he had his sleeves rolled up and his top few buttons open. You stopped yourself from staring too long by nodding. “Do I look okay?” Your eyes morphed into offended ones when he winced. You scoffed out loud but he just laughed at your reaction. “I’m kidding, you look great nerd, now move it, we’re already 15 minutes late.” You rolled your eyes, mumbling as you walked in. “Maybe if you didn’t make me spend 40 minutes helping you choose a tie…” He elbowed you slightly, reaching the reception desk and asking about your reservation, once you had taken a seat everyone, including Henry, had their eyes on the two of you. 

“Sorry, we’re late,” Jungkook commented, shaking your parent's hands as he sat down. “Wardrobe malfunction.” You joked as you secretly pointed at him. Everyone laughed a little and you were glad you had relieved some of the tension. You saw your brother the day before and boy did he have a lot to tell you, he seemed so excited about this dinner and you were still yet to know why. Now that you were here it seemed like everyone knew something you didn’t. 

“How’s college going, made any friends?” Jungkook’s mother asked, directing it at you. You choked because of the sudden question and scoffed down half the glass of water. “College is fine, I haven’t really been focused on making friends.” She nodded, Songwook laughing before joining in. “I wish Jungkook was the same. He befriended half the entire campus on the first day!” Everyone laughed while Jungkook shook his head jokingly, your mom suddenly called your name. “Y/N, could you grab me another napkin dear, I already spilled wine on mine. Clumsy me!” She giggled but it seemed fake, you wondered why she didn’t just ask a waiter to do it. You stood up to grab one from the desk nonetheless. 

The moment you left your mother leaned in. “Tell us, Jungkook, does she know?” He shook his head, his father joining in. “I’m glad you suggested we make Jungkook befriend her, otherwise we would have never found out.” “Found out what?” Your mom gasped when you were behind her, napkin in hand. The entire table was silent. “Wait...you forced Jungkook to befriend me? Do you think I’m that intolerable?” Jungkook rubbed his palms over his face, the inevitable was coming. “Y/N, we just know how you struggle with making friends and we thought it would be better to start you off with one,” Miri spoke this time with a tantalising tone. 

“So the whole tutor thing, that was a part of this as well? That’s why you were so mad at me about telling my dad that you were ignoring me? Because you didn’t want to fake being my friend?” You directed the question at Jungkook that time and he tried to apologise but you stopped him. “This isn’t about my social skills, is it? You still pity me for being a human so you gave me a werewolf to make me feel better!” You were speaking in a hushed tone so you wouldn’t warrant any unwanted attention but internally all you wanted to do was scream. “Henry, did you know about this too?” When he didn’t reply you scoffed, throwing your hands up in defeat. “Y/N, darling, we-” Songwook had spoken this time but you were quick to cut him off. “Forget it. I’m leaving.” And with that, you grabbed your bag and left. “Y/N come back, I’m your ride.” Jungkook tried reasoning but you were still walking away, your pride clearly getting in the way of your rationality because walking 30 minutes in heels was not rational. 

You stared at your sore feet in your Iron Man pyjamas as you cried to Spongebob, this wasn’t your proudest moment but you liked to think there were worse ways you could’ve handled the situation. Your family (Henry and your dad) kept blowing up your phone so you turned it off and sat not-so-peacefully on your weirdly comfortable couch. You heard a knock on the door and you didn’t open it, already knowing who was behind it. “Y/N, let me in please, I have your food.” The idea of opening the door to Jungkook seemed painful but you were also painfully hungry so you opened it anyway, snatching your food out of his hand. You tried to close the door but his foot jammed it and he pried it open with ease despite you using all your effort to keep it shut. You needed to start bulking. 

After he got in, you gave up and went back to your couch where you wrapped the blanket back around you and continued watching TV, now with food in your hand. “Y/N, I’m sorry but you have to believe me, I genuinely wanted to be your friend ever since we had that first lunch together, I promise.” You didn’t reply, in fact, your reaction (more so the lack thereof) had him thinking he didn’t even say anything at all. He grabbed the remote from your table and turned off the TV. You gave him a fleeting glare but didn’t say anything else. “Y/N.” You didn’t react once again, eating your pasta with aggression. “Y/N, look at me.” He grabbed both of your shoulders so he could turn you to face him. “I mean it, I’m sorry about how it started but I promise I wanted to be your friend.” You put your foot down, your sadness overpowering your hunger. “Wanted is past tense, should I be worried?” You joked but the tear that slid down your face taunted you straight after. You wiped it quickly but before you knew it more were springing down. He moved his hand to softly wipe your tears away and let out a breath of relief when you didn’t flinch away. 

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil. But these are so stop crying, nerd.” You darted your eyes up so quickly the blood rushed to your head. “Gandalf!” He smiled at how excited you were. “I don’t study fictional characters for fake friends, Y/N.” Your excitement fled a little but you smiled at him slightly. “There was a reason we had that dinner tonight.” Your smile fell and your face looked puzzled. “Why?” Jungkook took a deep breath before continuing. “If I tell you, you can’t get mad at me. I kept it from you because we all wanted to tell you tonight.” You nodded a little hesitantly, scared about what he was going to tell you. 

“Y/N, remember that night you kissed me and I walked out?” You nodded, wincing at the memory. “That night, I found out you were my mate.” You inhaled so quickly you started choking. Jungkook pat your back though it seemed useless. Once your cough calmed down, you punched Jungkook on his arm harshly. “You asshole! I spent that entire night sulking because of you.” He laughed but your glare made him stop abruptly. He took both of your hands in his. “I panicked, I wasn’t expecting it to be you.” You thought he was disappointed so your smile turned into an apprehensive one. “Oh…” He grabbed your face by the chin and made you face him. “I wasn’t expecting it but I was so fucking glad it was.” You started feeling bashful under his gaze so you tried to avoid his eyes. “Is that why Berlin was so adamant on dragging me into your issue, did he know too? I let that bitch use my good camera!” Jungkook sighed at the memory of him but he nodded nonetheless. You jumped up from the couch quickly. “Wait, that means I can turn and then people can stop looking at me like I’m an alien!” Jungkook nodded, laughing at your random outburst. “Only if you want to though, you don’t have to decide that yet, we have time.” 

He pulled you back to the couch, this time you landed on his lap. He wrapped his arm around your waist and you leaned your head on his chest. “You’re an ugly crier.” You sat up to frown at him but he just pulled you back to his chest. “I lied, it’s just because I never want to see you cry again.” You pinched his arm and he exclaimed loudly. “What was that for?” You laughed before cuddling into him again. “Insulting me for your selfish desires…wait I have pasta!” You sprung out of his lap to go back to eating your food, turning on the TV in the process and Jungkook wondered how he managed to get paired with someone quite as unique as you. 

“I think you’re half-fish.” You said once you saw Jungkook after the swim meet. “If I was would you still love me?” You stopped walking to ponder before shaking your head. He cocked his eyebrow at you before you nodded in agreement with yourself. “I hate fish so, no. Unless you were like a merman, that would be hot. Wait but what if you turn into an actual fish then how-” He pulled you by the arm to continue walking to his car. “I was kidding, Y/N.” You were still stuck in thought. “Yes, but the premise is interesting.” He pinched your cheek in a surprise attack. “Remind me why I’m dating a nerd?” You shrugged before interlocking your hand with his. “Remind me why I’m dating a fish?” He gave you an unamused look which you instantly matched before laughing at him. 

“Can I drive?” You asked, mustering the most convincing face you can create, already in the passenger seat. “No,” Jungkook replied sternly, hoping you’d let it go because his resolve was quick to disappear with you. “Please, I need to practice.” He frowned before whining childishly.  “Y/N, this is a Mercedes Benz can’t you practice on a Toyota or something?” You rolled your eyes at his dramatic rejection but you came up with a better plan. “I don’t know anyone who drives a- wait, do you think your friend Hoseok would teach me? He drives a Toyota.” Jungkook gave you an annoyed look before begrudgingly exiting the car. You got out excitedly as you rushed to the driver's seat. “You’re evil, you know that?” He asked angrily and you nodded, giving him a kiss on the cheek which forced a smile out of him. 

The second you started the engine he began tutting in disappointment. “What?” You turned to him annoyed but he just moved over you to grab the seatbelt, clasping it in place and giving you a kiss which you had to pull away from before it escalated. “I did that on purpose because I knew you would do it for me.” Jungkook just hummed in fake agreement but you paid it no mind. You always felt obnoxiously happy each time he kissed you and you were almost sure you’d never stop. “Jungkook?” He turned to expectantly before you gave him a beaming smile. “I love you, fish or human.” He turned away from you, annoyed at your random confession. “Just focus on the road, okay?” You nodded dutifully and about 5 minutes into your drive home, he randomly called your name. “What, did I turn 0.3 seconds too late?” You joked but he just stared at you. 

 “I love you too, nerd.”

[actualbird]

nobody asked but here are my personal top five pat gill videos | a 2.1k word long post where i rank and review pat gill’s videos for just way too long.

Right around the tail end of April, 2020, I fell into the rabbit hole of my current obsession; Polygon Dot Com Video Content. As a consequence of this was being introduced to the phenomenon of Pat Gill. A dire consequence of that consequence was me slowly, deeply, irrevocably, finding myself attracted to this marionette of a man. So, I enjoy his content and I think he’s hot and that combined with the fact that some of my friends bully me over that latter fact has inspired me to do this: rank my personal favorite Pat Gill videos in a post that’s entirely too long.

Before I get straight into the rankings, I need to explain my process. 

First, I needed to narrow my scope. Polygon has a lot of videos. Polygon has a lot of videos with Pat Gill in them. If I didn’t narrow my scope, I would either go bonkers yonkers or have a list that would be kilometric in length and thus miss the entire point of ranking altogether. So, for my sanity, I am excluding any videos that are a part of a Polygon video series. This means no Overboard, no Gill and Gilbert, no Video Game Theatre, etc. If I included these, I would cry. I do not want to cry over Polygon Dot Com Video Producer Pat Gill.

Second, I need a criteria. If I just ranked videos with no system, I would find myself endlessly rearranging my list based on whatever thought comes out on top in my mind at the given moment. I am a disorganized person, so I need rules. I have decided that I will rank Pat Gill videos using the EEEH criteria. 

Entertainment. Do I smile, watching the video? Do I chortle? Am I filled with the embarrassing urge to show this video to my sister and derive glee from her laughing at the exact same moment I laughed? Entertainment is key.

Education. Did I come out of this video knowing something I originally did not know? More importantly, was I engaged in the learning process? I come from a family of teachers, so I have high standards when it comes to education. If I am to learn, I must learn well.

Exaltation. This is a bit of an oddball criteria, but it is important to me. The word “exalted” is defined as “elevated in rank, character, or status.” This criteria refers to how good it is at exalting, elevating, pulling me out of a depressive episode. That is to say I’ve been in a depressive episode for the past month and whether or not the video made me stop crying and brush my teeth is essential. Polygon video content has been integral to my serotonin production lately, and thus the video’s ability of acting as an audiovisual antidepressant for me factors into the rankings.

[BONUS POINTS] Hotness. How Hot Is Pat Gill In It? I felt bad, morally, ranking videos based on how good looking I thought Pat Gill was in it---because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that, and people don’t exist to be beautiful, they just are, and I agree---so I’m relegating this criteria as a bonus point. Standard is 0, because he’s always hot in my mind, but he gets plus points if he is exemplary in the hotness department.

The maximum score for each of these criteria is 5 points, making the perfect score a 15, but because of the bonus points, a 20 is, hypothetically, possible. 

With that out of the way, let me dive right into it. 

5. The fastest interview ever with Ben Schwartz from Sonic the Hedgehog

Entertainment: 5 Education: 2 Exaltation: 2 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 11

Pat Gill is a good interviewer, he’s engaging and fun and keeps the interview interesting, but this interview is particularly special because it seems that, and let me quote Youtube user AudreyN who left a comment on this video stating “ben schwartz consumed all seven chaos emeralds prior to this interview.” Pat Gill and Ben Schwartz’s dynamic is amazing, and by “dynamic” I do mean “Ben Schwartz absolutely just fucking dunking on Pat Gill for 14 entire minutes.” and it is glorious.

For Entertainment this scores a solid 5. Quite honestly the funniest interview I’ve ever watched in my entire life. Just the sheer beauty in the exchange [Pat] “You would use Sonic’s power to gaslight me?” [Ben] “Just you.” In terms of Education, I guess I did learn a bunch of things about the Sonic movie that I didn’t know before, but the avenue by which it was portrayed in was not exactly the most engaging, more like I was absorbing it via watching two experts discuss on a webinar. I would have given just 1 point to Education but I made it 2 because of the wonderful knowledge that Pat Gill can draw a pretty good Sonic in a few seconds. When it comes to Exaltation, I must admit that while this video got quite a few laughs out of me, it didn’t make me want to get out of bed and take a shower. 

BONUS: Pat is +2 hot in it. His short hair makes him look very handsome. He’s a spiffy boy, in this video. Very, very good.  

4. Pat Will Not Tweet at Nintendo This Week Because He is Resting at Home — PLEASE RETWEET, Episode 12 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 0 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +1 Total Score: 11

I know I’m breaking a rule I set for myself a few paragraphs earlier by including an episode of Please Retweet, which counts as a video series, but this is my post and I can do whatever I want. More importantly, this video is so fucking funny to me, it feels like it would be a crime not to put it in this list. 

Solid 5 out of 5 for entertainment. Pat Gill, alone in his apartment, drinking six cans of what I think is beer silently while the intro music plays. That scene in itself should win an Oscar. Sadly, a solid 0 for Education, because I learn nothing in this video except for the fact that Pat Gill is the type of person to put out a coaster and then just completely not use it. I quantify things as educational if I can maybe answer a trivia question with them, and unfortunately, this fact does not pass that test. In terms of Exaltation, seeing Pat Gill lie down on the floor next to his cat made me get out of bed to do the same with my dog, and with myself thusly out of my bed cocoon of sadness, I was able to actually complete tasks on the day I watched this video. Perfect 5.

BONUS: Pat is +1 hot in this because there’s something very beautiful about him being a little bit miserable. However, I do miss his beard when I watch this video. It is one of my favorite things about him, and it is not present here.

3. Pat and Simone Play Human: Fall Flat

Entertainment: 5 Education: 1 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: 0 Total Score: 11

I very much enjoy Polygon’s gameplay streams. I often play them in the background while I’m doing other stuff like doodling or origami, but this stream is special. It is special because of the moment at 24:00 when Pat Gill, in game, swings a stereo into a glass window, shattering it, while saying, “Actually, y’know what? Let’s talk about trauma.” and then proceeds to tell a horrible and embarrassing story from his childhood where he had to do a rap about Ancient Egypt. 

5 points for Entertainment. This is partly because of Pat’s tragic childhood story about the Egypt Rap (and, segue just to point out 33:22 the incredible moment where you can hear Pat’s feral panic when Simone finds the lyrics to the Egypt Rap) but also because Pat and Simone just talking to each other is so deeply entertaining to me in a very comfy way. I’m starved for human interaction, in this quarantime, okay. Let me enjoy listening to other people have conversations while playing video games. Education scores a 1 because, again, nothing in this video will let me answer a trivia question, however it does get 1 point and not a 0 because the Egypt Rap’s lyrics are in the comments and I did end up learning stuff about Ancient Egypt that I didn’t know. A perfect 5 for Exaltation because this video showed me that talking about trauma can actually be cathartic, given that you’re trashing a video game living room at the same time, and I think that message of not bottling up your experiences really helped me, in these trying times.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for the entirety of this episode, so he scores the standard 0. I’m sure he was hot. We just couldn’t see him.  

2. Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the same thing

Entertainment: 4 Education: 4 Exaltation: 3 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 12

Ah yes, one of Pat’s “x is y because of z” videos. He’s made a number of these and they’re all very good but this one is my favorite among them and earns a spot on this list because 1) I think puppets are cool and 2) I fucking love monsters. 

This video scores a 4 on Entertainment, just shy of perfect, because as funny as it is, it also gives me the vibe like I am being lectured by a professor who’s just a little bit off the shits. And we all know that lectures are supposed to be taken seriously. Which brings us to Education, which also scores a 4. I learned a lot in this video! Watching Pat Gill explain to me that children’s puppets and these horrifying viddy game monsters use the same character principles in different ways is not only very educational but is also explained in a streamline and easy to understand manner that I WISH some of the shitty professors at my old university could emulate. As for Exaltation, while this video did give me enough energy to have a meal, I did eventually end up back in bed for the night at 8pm crying myself to sleep, thinking “I’m like the slime scholar. Used to be a scholar. Now they’re slime.” 

BONUS: Pat Gill is +2 hot here. He’s rockin that basic ass monochromatic aesthetic and I love his look dearly. 

1. Preparing for Big Boy Season in Red Dead Redemption 2 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 3 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +3 Total Score: 16

Here we are. My favorite non video series Pat Gill video. The video where Pat Gill tries to make Red Dead Redemption 2 protagonist, Arthur Morgan, large. 

Perfect fucking 5 for Entertainment, which I’m sure many may find odd. Afterall, this video is told in a serious investigative tone reminiscent of Vox’s videos on current issues. But that’s the glory of it. The complete and utter ‘playing it straight and serious’ for a ridiculous issue in a video game. It is high tier comedy in a subtle, understated way that sings to my comedy loving heart in a melody so lovely, so wonderful, that it urged me to give this video 5 points for Entertainment. It scores 3 on Education, because I have never played Red Dead Redemption 2, nor will I ever, but now I know things about it. The information was also relayed to me in a very interesting style, via something like a crime procedural, and thus it was engaging for me to absorb all this new knowledge. Exaltation scores a perfect 5 because of this video’s beautiful end about existential smallness. No joke, but hearing Pat Gill say “Our bigness isn’t measured in pounds, but in the impact we have on the people with whom we shared the world.” deadass made me want to talk to my friends again after conversationally isolating myself for 3 days. Preparing for Big Boy Season has a special place in my heart. And there it will stay.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for most of the video but he does appear for like 15 seconds in the middle of it, and guess what. He’s hot. +3 hotness. Good beardage, good hair, all in all, good Pat Gill. 

So there you have it. My five favorite Pat Gill videos. If you read this whole thing, holy shit. You’re welcome, I guess.

[popculturebuffet]

Darkwing Duck Quadruple Feature! (Beauty and the Beet, Whiffle While You Work, Jurassic Jumble, Something Fishy)

Welcome back! It’s been a bit since I visited St. Canard and my march to watching Just Us Justice Ducks by watching one episode, with the exception of Megavolt the first chronological appearances of, each member of the Justice Ducks and Fearsome Five. The Megavolt exception was so I could, by comission, cover the one and only appearance of the OTHER Negaduck if you were curious.So far besides Negsy and Volty, i’ve covered both of Morgana’s first chronological episodes, Liquidator’s and (SIgh) Gizmoducks. But with only 6 left to go.. I put the seires on hiatus to work on ride of the three cabs and my minty fresh retrospective of life and times. At the TIME it didn’t seem like a bad idea, I could get to this any time and what not.. but in hindsight.. yeah putting an almost finished project on hold till two much larger projects, that at the time of this review have 10 and 13 installments left, WHILE also starting two more projects... was not my best move, especially since I have a comission, and an episode needed to properly review that comission AND a valentine’s day episode to review.. all of which come AFTER Just Us Justice Ducks chronlogically and 2 of which involve Negaduck. So yeah I whiffed it bad on this one and this mini-marathon is my way of fixing that, finsihing up the last few episodes before the big event. The episode i’ve waited almost a decade to watch and one of the most loved in the series history: Just Us Justice DUcks, which is coming up next week. Then LIfe and Times will be right back where it was and I promise to get that out weekly. But yeah with logisitcs out of the way and 4 episodes to go, I don’t know how to go slow so let’s get dangerous shall we?

Beauty and the Beat:The Misplaced Batman the Animated Series Villian

We open with one of the first Darkwings I watched via my old Darkwing Duck DVDS, rewatched a while back and easily one of my faviorite episodes and the first apperance of my faviorite Darkwing Duck Villian, though Liquidator and now Quackerjack are giving him a run for his money. But yeah I love Reggie and part of it is he’s something far diffrent than what Darkwing normally fights. 

While he still fits in with the Rouges gallery: someone with either powers or a good gimmick whose intresting, engaging and most importantly to this show, Reggie is still diffrent in that he’s an inherently tragic figure. While the rest of the rouges have sympathetic qualities theier still not really good people: Quackerjack chose to lash out at what drove him out of buisness instead of starting over again, Megavolt is your standard wants money bad guy, and Liquidator was a massive asshole. And if you add in the other villians i’ve covered, Taurus Bulba was basically Marvel’s Kingpin as a bul and Splatter Phoenix while having a noble goal of funding her arts does so via framing an innocent child and stealing. They aren’t unsympathetic, some of them anyway, but they are still ruthless because they choose to be.  Reggie.. didn’t get that choice. We see from the start of this episode his life has just been being everyone elses punching bag: His boss dosen’t respect him, his cowowkers not only don’t respect him but actively bully him and only the newsest researcher has ever paid him the time of day much less told the two assholes, Gary and Larson, a nice shout out, to stop. And given I reviewed Wonder Woman 84 yesterday i’ts NICE to remember a version of a “geek becomes a supervillian’ story that’s.. actually good. This is basically the same sorry, a disrpsected scientest trnasforms and gets revenge.. just you know done right. 

And SOMEHOW Reggie’s life only gets worse as asshole one and asshole two sabotage his work, he gets fired and is forced to experiment on himself. While that’s a classic mad scientst and supervillian trope what’s notable is Reggie didn’t go immiedtly to world domination. He just wanted to cure world hunger and get some respect. He just wanted to be treated like a human being for once. Instead he got turned into a plant and despite this being a miracle.. he gets MOCKED by gary and larson and runs away, feeling like a freak. And since after that the transformation has clearly made his brain unstable.. he goes from a sweet, put upon guy who just wanted help to people.. to an obsessive plant monster.. who still just needs HELP. He needs therapy and a warm blanket and to turn his life around. And his motivation.. is just not being alone. While his kdinapping of the one scientest who liked him, and he assumes has feelings for him, is bad, and selfish.. it’s clear by that point Reggie is just not himself anymore. He’s Bushroot now. He’s lost himself and were this a diffrent show maybe he could’ve gotten the help he needed and some empathy.  But what adds to the tragedy is Darkwing himself. This episode really showcases one of Darkwing’s biggest weaknses: his inablity to see crime other than in black and white terms. To him it’s just a game of heroes and villians. Nothing more nothing less. Villians can become heroes, as he hopes for Morgana, but to him there’s just good guys ,him and bad guys, everyone breaking the law. For someone whose often seen as an outlaw himself.. he still can’t see things in any other terms. However instead of just being lazy writing... it’s a clever character quirk, at the center of this episode and our final one, as well as one that pops up a little in Stegmutt’s first apperance. It nicely parodies/deocnscruts the whole good guy badguy dynamic by making it clear that sometimes while the person may be doing bad things.. they have a reason for it and sometimes the law just dosen’t work. It’s something I do wish they’d dug into more but given this was more of a comedy, I get why they didn’t, but what they did with it is great and it adds to this episode tremendously: Darkwing just sees Reggie as another villian to stop and not as a very unstable man who needs his help, but also needs tobe stopped for his own good. It’s why this is such a good episode, besides some great comic set pieces: it has a really tragic and moving story that , with some tweaking woudln’t of been out of place in batman the animateds eires. It’s still a bit goofy in places, as it should be giving the show it’s in btu at i’ts heart it’s just a relaly godo really tragic supervillian origin story. 

Whiffle While You Work: The Saving Grace of an Okay Episode This one’s more of a mixed bag. For the good... Quackerjack is fucking awesome. While I already loved him from the comics, I hadn’t met his more lightehearted tv counterpart yet.. but boy was he a delight. From his it’s play time catch phrase which despite being repeated a LOT never got bored to his really invenitve use of toys. While a vilian with a toy gimmick is not new, Toyman has been around for.. 80 years? Damn. I should do some Superman TAS episodes this year to commemerate that. Point is between him and the joker the gimmick isn’t “New” but Quackerjack still feels unique from using actual jacks, to a motorized hula hoop, to a GIANT CRYING BABY DOLL TO FLOOD A CITY. Jackie is just a delight every minute he’s on screen, and his motivation is solid: wanting to get revenge at the Whiffle Boy video game and i’ts insuing phenmonin and merchandise deals for squeezing him out of buisness. It makes him mildly symathetic enough to be intresting but not enough to override his terrible actions. He’s just fun to watch, and Micheal Bell is phenominal in the roll. easily one of my faviorite vilians thus far and it’s easy to see why he showed up quite a bit. 

Sadly the rest of the episode.. is not very intresting. It starts with your standard “Adult gets child away from the video game only to play it” plot which is belivieble, my dad was a gamer back during my childhood and probably still plays games ocasionally to this day. He fucking loved Starcraft, Ultima ONline, Super Metroid, Warcraft II and III.. and swearing. He really loved swearing at the games. And the idea of the episode isn’t bad, Drake is jealous that Gosalyn is in the limelight for once.. the issue  being a grown man competing with his own daughter just makes Drake really unlikeable. He at one point tries to use his parental authority to take her out of the contest, lies about being in the competition, and dosen’t apologize or learn enough to make up for his being a dick about this. THe episode really suffers from Launchpad not being around to be a buffer between the two and as ssuch it’s just uncomfortable. Hell Gos threatens to reveal Drake’s identity to .. someone.. but she still comes off sympathetic as when Drake presses her on it.. it’s very clear she made the threat on the spur of the moment out of hurt. 

Also the whole Whiffle Boy game craize extending to a city is delightfully batshit, and plausable given i’m pretty sure if nintendo could afford their own city we’d have it over in japan and for a video game episode in the 90′s, this one isn’t all that bad. It actually seems to get games on SOME level, and seems based more on an arcade game, which drake plays whiffle boy on at one point and the 80′s arcade competition craze, and since arcade comeptitions were still a huge thing in the 90′s, it’s very clear this si written by people who actually know what a video game is and don’t just fear it as some strange doodad their kids are into. Trust me I’ve been around animation so long this plot has become tiresome. So not a BAD episode, just held back by drake being written even more dickishly than usual.  P.S. there’s apparently an ultima level to the game.. so either Lord British is finally putting Chuckles down or someone needs to know what’s a paladin. 

Jurassic Jumble: Two Great One Shot Characters that Taste Great Together Well okay Segmutt does get one more episode but this is still his only episode on his own just like Neptuina next, so I count it well enough. Point is this episode is pretty good. It does have some weaknsses: It starts with Drake not beliviing Honker’s theory about a recent theft of acountants, one he’s only on the scene for because he happens to really need help with his taxes because, contrary to what Wesley Snipes thought, Superheroes still need to pay taxes. He dosen’t belive it’s dinosaurs.. he dosen’t belivie it’s dinosaurs despite the foot prints, honker being smart and HAVING FOUGHT A DOG MADE ENTIRELY OF WATER. 

I just get annoyed when superheros in a superhero universe don’t hav ea logical reason for dismissing something.. or random citizens.. it was fine if reptitous in the stan lee days because it’d been 20 years, at the time, since superheros were active and people can be stupid but it gets grating when someone says somethin’gs not possible in a superhero universe. Given we’re currrently dealing with an outgoing president who refuses to accept an election is real and his followers who think masks are a polical issue i’ts not exactly unrelasitic, dosen’t mean it’s enjoyable to read or watch. 

Still it works here because it splits the plot nicely and Gosalyn’s disbleif is less grating as she just wants it to be martians and dosen’t bully her friend or anything over it, just makes a few snyde remarks. The episode also wasn’t helped at first by the fact there’s a really reptitive bit where Darkwing bungies down to investigate the crook he thinks is responsible, but is actually just chilling at his minium security prison. It’s just not funny and takes up too much of the episode. But the episode picks up towards the second half when we meet our dinosaur: Stegmutt, a dumb but kind and friendly child like former janitor turned stegasaurs, whose unwittingly kidnapping people for his “friend” Dr. Fossil, the professor who turned him, and genuinely is not a bad soul and likes gosalyn and honker. He’s just clumsy and destructive and working for someone he dosen’t know is evil.  Speaking of which.. Dr. Fossil is really damn awesome and i’ts a shame he never came back in the comics or cartoon and hopefully Frank does him better in the reboot. Seriously he’s enjoyable, a bit nebbish but delightfully insane, deciding to wipe out all non dino life because he’s tired of getting panicked screams in the street and of all the dino merchandise like those puzzles with the pieces missing. He’ sjust delightfully nutty, with his love of saying bin bang boom and his having to put up with Stegmutt’s antics, as well as the whole joke that he TURNED HIMSELF INTO A DINOSAUR, yet gripes about being a dinosaur and acts like it’s humanity’s fault , balking when Gosalyn suggests he just.. turn himself back. Plus Ptetrodacytl’s are awesome so tha’ts a bonus. Seriously his showing up turns the episode from okay to fucking amazing. Seriously bring him back for the reboot.. and get Rich Fulcher to voice him. Seirously Bob Fossil as Dr. Fossil... it’s too perfect NOT to do casting gag wise, and he frankly perfectly fits the charcter down to the nasily voice. Plus Rich does voice acting quite a bit, so he’s already likely in Frank’s Rolodex. 

Stegmutt himself is also not too shabby, your standard child like moron, but he’s got a sweetness and niceness to him and we get some good gags like his habit of breaking off handles, his opening sodas with his tail and Fossil getting rid of him by telilng him to check if he left the bathroom light on...

And the climax with Darkwing.. turning.. into this

I don’t get it either but i’ts still a fun climax. Also forgot to mention Dr. Fossil can do that blow you away by flapping his wings thing Storm Eagle can do. Neat. All in all while not the series BEST outing, it has some flaws holding it back, it’s a damn fun one and one I highly recommend. Okay one more. 

Something Fishy: The Better Submariner This is a simple but good one: St. Canard beach has gotten trashy.. literally there’s trash everywhere. And while Drake is ambilent to it, Gosalyn is taking up the crusade to take out the trash and the garbage people... and gets her dad beaten up over it by dumping trash on some guys head but frankly, he deserved it.  Things go up a notch though when some sea creatures invade and .. clean up the beach and beat up darkwing. And while they destroy some property.. they aren’t exactly wrong? This is where that flaw I mentioned comes in though. Drake just.. can’t see things in shades of grey and insits he must be the good guy and whoevers doing this must be stopped.  However it becomes clear when we meet the antagonist that while her methods are wayy to extreme.. she’s in the right. Neputina is an awesome character, easily one of the series best and esaily horribly underulitized. She was a simple fish who thought a toxic waste barrel was a new friend.. and learned the hard way by becoming a sexy fish woman. Yeah I said it. But her motive is understandable thanks to her origin and just how BAD it’s gottne, with piles of trash all underwater and the laws Drake cites agianst this sort of thing not doing squat. It’s a nice take on the old enviornmental message , something I dreaded going in as it makes a valid point; sometimes diong things the “right” way isn’t enough.. but it still dosen’t justify harming innocent people in the process, as Nep’s ultimate plan to flood the city would.  Launchpad ends up being the voice of Reason as drake is too caught in his games of good guy bad guy to get Neptuina ISN’T a bad person, just one fed up with people hurting those she cares about. Neptuina is a unique villan in that unlike Morgana, who while having a sympathetic motive was out for herself, Stegmutt, who didn’t reailze he was on the wrong side, and Gizmoduck.. wellll

Neptuina.. is just misguided. She has the right idea but the wrong methods and Darkwing’s too stubborn to admit it.. but he’s also seen as in the wrong with Launchpad realizing DW just.. isn’t the good guy this time, but in the best scene of the episode talking Neptuina down by pointing out innocent people will get hurt. It’s a good, nuanced episode about envrionmetnalism with a throughly charasmatic and intrersting, acted wonderfully by Sussan Silo, antagonist. Neptuina is a better version of Marvel’s namor the submariner: she goes against humanity.. but I don’t want to punch her and dosen’t have one of her constnat character traits as “I want to bank your wife richards BANG YOUR WIFEEEEE”

So overall.. a good batch of episodes. Only Wiffle While You Work was all that weak, and even it had it’s charms and Quackerjack. It shows the series overall quality: even the just okay episodes here are still really fun to watch. It’s just a solid show overall and whie not without flaws is a classic to this day for a reason. Next week we’ll wrap this up with JUST US JUSTICE DUCKS! Until then stay safe and goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. 

[a-woman-apart]

Separating the Boys from the Men

Yes, that title is click bait, and if you keep reading, you’ve been warned. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest, and it’s going to involve defending masculinity, femininity, and our right to BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES because in many ways, we already do. 

Let’s get straight to the point. As Millennials, regardless of our age, financial status, or level of “success” (air quotes 100% intentional) we have been accused of being lazy, entitled, and way too enthusiastic about avocado toast. At the same time, we have been described as having enough power to decimate the napkin industry, the diamond industry, and the concept of traditional marriage. We have been accused of a collective “Peter Pan” syndrome, because we “refuse” to cut off papa’s apron strings and get off the proverbial mama’s teats. 

Wonderful to know. 

Let’s unpack the “lazy” bit. Supposedly, this is tied to the fact that we have access to higher education, we [often, not always] have parents who financially support or house us well into adulthood. 

So now, my question is, Gen X (the entitled ones, ironically) and Salty Boomers, YOU DIDN’T? 

What do you call that “inheritance” you received? What do you call that education your parents paid for that was less than 1/3 what we have to pay? For Boomers, how do you explain the lavish weddings, cheap [and apparently nuke proof] home appliances, and “nights out on the town” that you were able to afford by working at whatever passed for a McDonald’s back in the day? Working on a farm, at a grocery store, or in retail used to ACTUALLY provide a livable wage; for us, those are a “side hustle” and we still have to get a “big boy job” that usually requires an education that can put us over $100,000 in debt by age 30. 

Hate to say it, but if you hadn’t made most of your income “during the War” or in  the absolute economic boom that followed it, you wouldn’t survive 24 hours in our shoes before having an emotional collapse.  

Despite the disastrous living conditions of the U.S. in the 21st Century, not much has changed in how men define their level of “manliness.” 

Financial gains (stocks, bonds, portfolio, bank account) 

Bro “gains” (a.k.a. “gym gains”, how “Gaston” they are, including whether they want to go for the Adonis, Apollo, or Brawny boi look, or just how far they can throw something or how “boyish” they look if strength isn’t an option and they suffer from femme-levels of body dysmorphia) 

Body count (since we’re in a time of peace and not literally war, this is LITERALLY a modern term describing how many people you’ve slept with, and I have never heard an adult man, regardless of sexual orientation, who isn’t a little concerned about putting those notches in the bed post, and if not that, VERY concerned about his bedroom performance: it’s quality vs. quantity) 

Kill death Ratio (I know this is a video game term now, but did you know that before video games, men in England used to regularly get on horseback, get a bunch of hounds together, and chase down tiny foxes and rabbits? FOR FUN?!?!? Did you know, that before modern sports ((including Esports)), men used to just fight to the death, regularly, even if an official war wasn’t going on? It was known as “dueling”, and in less socially developed societies, men still behave like this. So the next time you complain about “male rage” and how heartless it is to make live chickens fight, note that even though we’ve quelled male anger and hostility on some level, you will NEVER be able to take away man’s urge to destroy. Boys and men will always like knocking things over, building things from the rubble, and ruling shit. It’s what they do-- and we women can and do, too, but we have a LOT more risk-aversion and self-preservation, which is a blessing and a curse for our species-- but we just need to make sure humanity as a whole stays...chill)

So what, say ye, has changed about how WOMEN define themselves now vs. in the past. I would say that very little has changed, but the level of internalized misogyny, insecurity, and good-old fashioned denial has SKYROCKETED. 

Let’s look at some terms of how the majority of women value themselves. 

Financial Security (few women will admit to “wanting to be rich”, because that sounds kind of “Trump”, but plenty will talk about having minimum income requirements for their partner(s), wanting to retire at a young age so they can “travel the world”, wanting to eliminate their debts, etc. It’s different language but essentially it translates to: I want to work so hard or marry into so much wealth that I never want to worry about money after age 35. #Hustle) 

Looks (it doesn’t matter if you want a Kardashian butt, you’re in the body positivity movement, or you just want to “dress like a bawse” women are just as obsessed with clothes, image, and body weight/shape/size as they ever were, it is just that now that we’ve “slain the patriarchy” we have more fashion options than ever before, because “boy clothes” are just as “in” as femme ones)

Ability to attract a partner (some women, like me, “chase”, but thanks to biology, most women, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to enjoy being pursued more than being Artemis-style hunters. This is evidenced by the fact that when the feminist owner of Bumble changed the rules of the dating website to where women had to start conversations with men rather than vice versa ((a move that had ostensibly zero effect on lesbian matching)) 72% of women that she later surveyed stated that they liked it better when men were approaching them rather than the other way around. I am sure Bumble’s female CEO was shook ((as was I)), especially because she made the change to empower women, and apparently 72% of women didn’t want the power because it meant they now had the power to face rejection, and it made them uncomfortable. Big yikes. So much for #EndPatriarchy and #ChivalryisDead ?)

Playing house (this is probably going to get me some unfollows, but I’ll take my chances. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, often seem to be REALLY into having babies or just “playing house.” There’s also men like this, too, “Family men” as they’re aptly called, men in love with fatherhood ((or just being called “daddy”, and that will never not be weird)). So many women who never want to pop out a baby describe being taken by an OVERWHELMING urge to fuck during their “fertile window” ((or is that just me?)) and seeing every baby alive as the cutest human being ever once we pass the tender age of 25. The biological clock is REAL, and I learned the hard way that being bisexual and having immense fear of pregnancy and childbirth didn’t spare me from the awful truth of my biology. 

I really don’t want to keep making references to modern video games, but they seem to serve the dual purpose of being deeply satisfying and helping us to quell “problematic” urges, including that one to dominate and destroy the world. For a lot of women gamers, though, our choices ((on a broad scale, every #girlgamer is different)) deviate from men’s in some interesting ways. 

#1: We still love The Sims Franchise way more than guys do 

Not only do we love it, but while a lot of men (again, #notallmen) tend to build elaborate neighborhoods to extensively mod and destroy them in terrifying ways, I still see women gamers taking obscene amounts of time to design homes, raise happy little families, and cause TERRIFYING blood feuds by having Sims marry Sims from rival families ((I guess we’re more Shakespeare than we thought, eh ladies?))

#2: We make up most of mobile gaming

Most male gamers think mobile games “aren’t real” and I tend to agree, but a mobile game is invaluable for when I, a woman, have time to kill between the 3 jobs I hypothetically have and I and don’t want to whip out something like a Nintendo 2DS that is both unwieldly and attracts the eyes of every impoverished, thieving human being in a .5 mile radius. #RiskAversion. These games are often low-quality, mindless, and insanely easy, but that is WHY WE LIKE THEM. Our entire life is a job. #Hustle

#3 We also love farming sims and RPGs

While we-- and most male Millennials-- beg god to not have to birth calves, milk cows, or labor in the tomato fields under the hot sun, most of us have no objection to having our virtual avatars perform the same back-breaking tasks to the tune of cheerful chiptune music. Also, even though men definitely enjoy them, too, I have never met a woman gamer who didn’t enjoy a nice RPG; why do you think we’re such avid readers of fantasy/romance YA? 

We want to be transported to a different world, and if you won’t take us there, we’re happy to go there virtually ((because we probably can’t afford travel; we’re still millennials)). 

Ability to murder people who threaten our young or our partner(s) (Okay this one is a bit more complicated, but I’m just going to tell you a bit about female animals. DON’T MESS WITH THEIR BABIES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. Human females, are, in that regard, just as savage, if not more so, than our male counterparts. 

I’ve never heard of any woman ((outside of prison, maybe)) who killed another woman for “looking at her weird” or saying “your mama” too many times. I’ve heard plenty of women threaten literal murder because another woman ((or man, we’re #progressive)) came too close to her romantic/sexual partner, or another human being threatened harm on our kids or our “squad.” 

I don’t know where the meme truly originated from, but “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again” is SUCH a Mom thing to say. So much misandry is wrapped up in the idea that men are predators, and that is true, but not in the excessively sexually deviant ways you think ((that’s only sometimes true)). They just like hunting things, including people, but if you give them a toy to play with ((I MEAN ACTUAL TOY OMG)) they seem alright. Let them go play with their cars, Xbox, [insert whatever] or something. They’re men, okay, they’re easily distracted/impressed/occupied. 

Women, on the other hand, have seemed to be having an EXTREME amount of trouble curbing that baby-making urge, or the Excessive Nurturing Urge, that one that makes you ask your grown husband if he’s remembered to pack lunch for work or if he remembered to pack money for his playdate with his bros, because he’s gonna need money at Six Flags and you aren’t going to bring it to him because he should’ve remembered, you reminded him 30093390 times. 

THAT’S NOT HIS FAULT. HE HAS MANAGED BY SOME MIRACLE TO STAY ALIVE FOR 33 YEARS. THAT’S YOU, SWEETIE. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM. GO BE A NURSE, DOCTOR, OR SOCIAL WORKER OR SOMETHING OMG. 

In summary...

What separates the “men from the boys” or the “women from the girls” isn’t the era that we were born in to, our economic status, or whether we’ve been able to “conquer” our biology. That’s definitely not possible yet, chiefly because transhumanism involves a lengthy, ethics-guided process, and even if we all turn into cyborgs, the goal is to become BETTER humans, not LESS humane. Societal advancements have done more in terms of making us healthier, less destructive citizens of planet earth than raw technology ever can and ever will. Rapid technological advancement, when not combined with respect for morality, ethical standards of living for humans and all other life forms, almost always leads to human slavery, widespread abuse of animals, sex trafficking, and environmental destruction, because the “rules of supply and demand”, when not governed by strong international trade laws, dictate that consumers should be supplied with whatever they demand, because the suppliers can profit, and their right to profit should be defended at any cost. 

So, in summary, I believe that “adulting” involves giving up on entitlement. What separates a truly childish human being-- regardless of their actual age-- from someone who is, in essence, “adulting” is experience, and how much those experiences serve to broaden that person’s perspective. It is an extremely childish, self-centered view, to think that you “deserve” anything for being “a good person” or, in the case of many a “woman child” or “man child” in media and in real life, just being “not so bad.” 

Grown-ups are able and willing to do something that is known as “delaying gratification” which is the simple ability to delay a temporary pleasure for a long-term gain. Grown-ups are also able to perform true “cost-benefit analyses” to determine if a course of action, business deal, or even relationship is worth their time and effort. Finally, grown-ups are able and willing and able to make an informed choice and stick to it; in essence, we don’t try to “have our cake and eat it too” we understand that once we’ve eaten that cake, the cake is gone, but we also realize that if we are willing to work hard and make sacrifices, we can earn the ingredients to make ourselves another cake to eat, even if we might need a lot of help from other adults in getting those ingredients (we call this teamwork and cooperation). 

Children, on the other hand (in literal and metaphorical terms), are very impatient. They get angry when things don’t go their way, and instead of taking the steps needed to improve their situation, they storm off and return home. It doesn’t matter if their home is with their parents, with their 3 roommates, or with their husband or wife, these people throw tantrums, refuse to communicate/cooperate, and stew in their displeasure until someone feels sorry for them and fixes their problem for them. They lack the ability to work through daily life problems and refuse to take any responsibility for how their actions or inaction contributed to their dilemma. 

There is one difference with an actual human child or teen, though, is that they have an excuse. Their brains are still developing, and they haven’t had the chance to live through these situations yet; these are new challenges to them. Even if they do have a “bad attitude”, with help from peers and patients, principled adult mentors and teachers, these cantankerous kids can grow into well-adjusted, able adults. The high levels of neuroplasticity in their brains actually make it so that it is easier for them to accept large amounts of sensory data and to learn from processing and practicing using it.

An “adult child” is someone who, more often than not, has been coddled instead of challenged. These people have often faced no significant hardships in life. There is a reason why, even after we have recognized the immense downsides of authoritarian parenting and have demonstrated psychological harms of corporal punishment for kids, we still call “bad kids” and “irresponsible adults” spoiled. 

Authoritarianism produces rigid, scared people who often struggle with critical thinking and self-esteem or end up being authoritarian parents themselves, but that last one is actually one of the less likely options. Children of authoritarian parents often develop Borderline Personality Disorder or become defiant against authority (shocker). Overly permissive or overly neglectful parenting, though, are parental styles most associated with producing narcissists, who often become authoritarian parents, because when their kids challenge them, they completely lack the patience or emotional capacity to deal with it and resort to “because I said so”, stonewalling and/or physical abuse as forms of “character-building.” 

The reason why overly permissive parents spoil their kids is because kids actually do need discipline and guidance, and so these kinds of parents produce kids who are outwardly capable and confident but completely lack any of the life skills to justify it, and when they ask their parents for advice they are just met with a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo or told to just avoid the conflict rather than resolve it. These kids grow into adults who are still sad little kids inside, because they never grew up, but now they’re sad little kids who are articulate and well-spoken and now can-- and often have no choice-- but to con their way through adult life because they’ve maxed out Charisma and they have almost no points in Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, or Dexterity.

The only parenting style worse than Authoritarian and Neglectful/Permissive is Mixed, in which a child grows up in a COMPLETELY unpredictable environment where the rules of the game change from day to day, and parents either give their children no attention at all, or they practically lock them up and throw away the key. Being raised like this is associated with the worse outcomes for the child throughout life. 

So, why am I now talking about parenting styles? Because, for all that we love to trash Boomers and large swaths of Gen X on this page, we can’t forget where they came from, so we cannot allow them to forget WHO THEY MADE. It isn’t an accident that even though we live in the times of incredible economic hardship, WE are the generation (and Gen Z, to some extent) that got hooked on reality TV, video games, and social media in incredibly unhealthy ways. A lot of us 30+ millennials are growing out of it, and a lot of us have realized that it is an invaluable (and damn near unavoidable) way of marketing our products and talents. We’re often self-employed because that’s our only option in most cases. 

The issue with Gen Z (who, while we called “Zoomers” now just all themselves “Doomers” and I think we should be a bit concerned about that) is that unlike us, they have no memory of “Before the Internet.” We remember dial up, we remember before that when you played outside untl the sun went down. They don’t have the privilege of being linked to that history. 

Now, we have to be the Bigger Person. It’s our time to be Grown-Ups. Gen Z feels really fucking lost right now, and hearing us whine about our parents probably makes them pretty pissed off, when some of us older millennials are the parents, aunts/uncles, and older siblings to Gen Z kids. Even if we can’t be mentors, we have to lead by example, because we have a responsibility to these kids. A lot of them aren’t stupid, they see exactly what’s happening and they feel incredibly hopeless about it. Greta Thunberg is still 16 years old. She shouldn’t be out there doing that; I mean seriously, climate change is accelerating, but it isn’t even as bad as Al Gore said, it’s still reversible, but the fact that SHE FELT SHE HAD TO makes us shitty people. ALL OF US. 

So you know, we all need to stop being hypocrites. We need to stop being entitled. We need to stop thinking this is about us. It isn’t. Not even close. We’re not important, even if our videos go viral or if we’re swimming in cash next to hot models by a huge swimming pool. America’s fucked up. I hate to sound Republican, but it’s because of our values. We suck at valuing what’s important, and if we don’t change that soon, it’s really going to suck to live in America. 

It already does.  

[scorpiosanssexy]

Haikyuu Characters doing their Duke of Edinburgh Expedition

I had a lovely chat with the wonderful @criedoverspiltmilkchan​ and we started to talk about what each haikyuu character would be like when doing dofe. Some of these headcanons were simply too good to leave in the messenger so here we are. 

(to all of my non british followers here is a quick explanation as to what dofe is, lots of british kids did this during high school. - https://www.dofe.org/do/sections/   click on the expedition bit) 

Group 1: Ushijima, Tendou, Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Kageyama, Hinata and Sugawara 

Ushijima is in his elememt , he is the leader of the group, you cannot tell me that this farmer boi doesn’t know how to do basic camping task

He is the person in the group that will 100% leave his group oikawa  behind because they are walking too slow 

He also made sure that everyone in his group were up at 5am so that they could watch the sunrise together

Whilst Ushijima is loving life, Oikawa is straight up the opposite 

This boy has never gone camping in his life

“I W A C H A N how do i put up this tent”

The only good thing he contributes to the group was that he snuck his old  I-pod touch and started a  sech on top of a hill

Which only consisted of spice girls whaaat 

He is also the person in the group to catch hypothermia even though Iwaizumi told him to put more clothes on

He just wanted to look cute 

Speaking of Iwaizumi, he is in charge of the route card. 

He was the only person who actually knew where the escape points were

He is the best person to have in your group because he is really good at motivating everyone but also get’s shit done 

He was basically Oikawa personal bodyguard 

Kageyama and Hinata were just fighting with each other constantly

For example it was Hinata’s turn to navigate (this boi cannot read a map to save his life) and he basically got lost 

Kageyama was raging B O K E  H I N A T A  B O K E 

Suga had to break up the fight 

These two idiots were also the people who kept everyone up all night because they were chatting at 2am in their tent. 

They also raced each other up a hill (Hinata is winning 10 to 9)

Kageyama brought milk with him but i began to rot so his tent stinks of old milk

Hinata brought an inflatable volleyball and once they got to the campiste they all played with it until it was dark 

Now Sugawara was made camp chef, why? because he is the best cook 

However no one could have predicted that Suga would cook them the spicy thing none to man (it is canon that he loves spicy food) 

Everyone is literally dying 

Tendou is the only one who actually enjoyed the meal 

the only reason tendou is doing dofe it because ushijima is doing it 

He naruto runs up the hill , and he beats both kageyama and hinata in their race (tendou - 11 kagehina- 0)

He is constanly whistiling whilst he walks oikawa wants to kill him 

Forgot his sleeping mat so hasn’t slept for pretty much the entire expedition 

He is surviving on literally just redbull and suga’s cooking 

As a group they were the second ones to reach the campsite  

Group 2: Kuroo, Kenma, Bokuto, Akaashi, Yaku, Tsukishima and Lev 

There is one and one reason only Kenma signed up for Dofe and that was because Kuroo said he would buy him the latest game animal crossing new horizons

For the majority of the time , he literally sulks because he wasn’t allowed his nintendo switch (which kuroo confiscated) 

He wanted to be in a group with Hinata 

Kuroo, on the other hand loves Dofe 

Him , being the science nerd he is, is literally naming every single planet he see’s on the hike and gives little fun facts about them 

He also encourages Tsukki and Kenma to do “group activities” (this literally consists of Bokuto and Lev rolling down a hill) 

Yaku is the sole voice of reason for the group 

His jobs is to make sure lev nekoma’s toddler  doesn’t run off and get in trouble

He is the only one who can work the trangia, no one knows how he does it he just does 

Again like Iwa chan, he is the only member of the group who actually knows the route card 

Lev

just lev tbh 

Lev 100% was that person in the group who ate the berries to “feel like one with nature”

He is also the dumb person to start dancing infront of a bull 

he was then chased by it 

yaku nearly died because of his short legs 

Lev wasn’t allowed to navigate 

Tbh he wasn’t allowed to do much 

He was banned from being in charge of the route card because he left it in the field, when he was chased by the bull 

Thank god Yaku knew the route 

Bokuto was the head chefs at camp, why? because he binges Hell’s Kitchen relgiously ( 100% qualified) 

They were going to cook a simple pasta dish, easy 

Welp, 20 minutes later the pasta had burnt, the trangia  melted at the bottom, dinner was shit 

cue Bokuto’s emo mode 

However, there was hope 

Akaashi was the group member who managed to sneak his phone 

He doesn’t really give a shit about nature, would rather be in a cafe in the city 

He secretly orders a chinese several yards away from the campsite ( he knew that Bokuto was going to fuck up dinner)

He tells everyone that Bokuto did this, to make him look like the hero 

So Group 2 tucked into Chinese , Oikawa could smell it and then started to complain to Iwa chan that other campers had nicer food 

This was the highlight for Tsukishima 

Tsukishima only signed up to Dofe because he thought Yamaguchi would do it 

Yamaguchi missed the deadline lol 

G O M E N  T S U K K I 

Tsukki for the majority of the hike put’s in his airpods so he doesn’t have to interact with anyone 

Secretly listens to Kuroo’s plant talk 

This is the group who is last to the campsite and then proceeds to tell everyone some wild story as to why they were back so late 

Group 3: Sawamura, Asahi, Tanaka, Nishinoya and Ennoshita 

Daichi is going to go grey 

He is making sure Tanaka and Nishinoya do not get in trouble 

He has to ,multiple times, shout at them both for talking way to loudly in the middle of the night, they were playing truth and dare  

He is in charge of the emergancy phone, he played the snake game and it lost charge whaaat you didn’t hear that from me 

He packs half of his bag with food ,he really is a hungry boi 

Tanaka drew the short straw so had to carry all the tent pegs (you know the heavy stuff)

He made everyone do some really stupid shit, like roll down the hill 

He accidently pushed Daichi down the hill, he has never been so scared in his life 

Not gonna lie, the person most likely to get all their stuff wet would be this boy right here 

Ennoshita had to share clothes with him because they were soaked 

He (ennoshita)  is in charge of the group project so he is basically making a mini documentry on their expedition 

He filmed Daichi being pushed down the hill by Tanaka 

He was forced by Noya to film him doing the rolling thunder in a middle of the field 

Brings toliet paper for the group 

Nishinoya is having a great time 

Susprisely, he has really good camping skills (like he knows how to put up a tent, cook a meal etc.....) 

Doesn’t stopped him from being a crack head tho 

Has cartwheeled on Asahi multiply times 

Proudly owns crocs and a spork 

Asahi is such a big bby 

This boi hates bugs with a passion 

An example of this happen during their lunch break 

Asahi was innocently eating his sandwich and then wasp appears 

Never in their life had they heard the most high pitched scream in their life 

Asahi is literally like bye bitch 

It takes the group 20 minutes to coax Asahi to sit back dwon 

Noya kills the wasp with his croc 

Despite the horrible weather, Asahi hair is literally the most gorgeous thing ever. Like he looks good anything

Please go and give the lovely @criedoverspiltmilkchan​ a follow, they are a fellow haikyuu imagine and matchup blog.

If you have any other headcanons feel free to submit them in my ask box 

Have a lovely rest of the day

Carla 

[seven-oomen]

Omg, lol, yes, go to bed!!!

I mean, I have tried a fair few of our treats just so that I can mess with people when they ask for recommendations.  There was one treat that we used to sell by the pound that a lady actually asked us to stop carrying because her husband would buy and eat them.  Like, she would find stashes in his sock drawer.  One that we carried from a local company for a while was actually meant to be eaten by both the owner and the pet.  As I recall, they too were a bit dry and bland, but not bad overall.

And yes, that does help clear things up a bit without giving anything away, and shift the anxiety more towards curiousity.  About multiple people now, it seems.  And I love the new preview, which I presume is part of a fleshing out of Chris’s flashback about the incident with the basketball players?  Can’t wait to see how that goes.  (The angst.  The potential for comfort.  Mmmm.)

Those are excellent choices, and also some of my faves.  Ragnarok was a fucking masterpiece (will Loki’s face when Odin says “I’m proud of you my sons” ever stop catching me like a knife to the chest?  Pretty sure the answer is no.)  I love when Thor gets a chance to prove he’s actually intelligent, and I need a Valkyrie movie asap.  (And omg, some of those visuals…)  And I really need to see Black Panther again soon.  Pretty sure Shuri is my fave Disney Princess after Leia.  (For some reason I’d also really love to see Okoye and Carol meet.  Like, I’m pretty certain the combined confidence and self-assurance would just make every dude in the vicinity spontaneously bow or kneel without even fully understanding why.)

I haven’t actually gotten to see any of the footage from the FF7 remake yet, but I remembered their participation being talked about on Tumblr (which is also where I saw the pics of Keahu’s cosplay.)  I haven’t had a chance to see my friends and talk to them about it, though it’ll be more “hey, did you know that Sephiroth is voiced by Superman?” because none of them watched TW, but a fair few have seen the CW DC shows.  And hey, don’t sweat it, I just have a weird ability to remember stuff like that, whether I want to or not.  I may not always recognize the voice, but I remember names fairly well most of the time, which comes in helpful at work when we’re talking about some piece of media and they can’t recall someone I’ll play “what else were they in?” with them until we can usually figure it out.  Or when my mom is telling me about something she saw (she’s a caregiver with a patient who LOVES going to the movies, so she’s seen more in the last few years than I ever did with her as a kid XD ) and cannot for the life of her remember names correctly.  Like, at all.  It astounds me sometimes what she comes up with trying to get it right.

Gonna have to look some of those characters up, only some are familiar.  (If it weren’t for the fact that they’re cousins here, I would be screaming Geralt!Derek and Jaskier!Stiles from the rooftops.)  I have actually done a video game costume myself but it was very long ago.  Some friends and I were in a small, local Halloween parade.  We had a Mario and a Luigi, a Lara Croft (with old Nintendo guns instead of regular ones), a couple of puppet Pac-Man ghosts being chased through the group by a large cardboard Pac-Man, several Tetris pieces, and one person wearing a Power Glove, a dance pad as a cape, and innumerable corded controllers as bling who I think was technically “leading” us along.  I was the T-shaped Tetris piece, and for what was basically a large cardboard tube with another cardboard box attached to the back, it was surprisingly easy and comfortable to walk in…as long as I didn’t try to sit down.

Ooh, and last random thought that occurred to me earlier.  If Cora does turn out to be alive (which we don’t know if she is), and Peter gave up the Alpha spark, would it go to Cora, as eldest female in the Hale line, or Malia, as eldest female in Peter’s line specifically (assuming Allison stays human)?  Feel free not to answer if need be in case of potential spoilers, I just happened to think of it.

Hope your sleep was sufficient and restful!

I’m going to put down a couple of quick answers to all of these lovely asks since I don’t have much time but I do want to address some of it.

First of all, this just made me smile today all of it. I love reading through these on bad days.

Second, it was a continuation of the scuffle with the basketball players. This time seen from Peter’s pov. The preview I put up today is basically a short scene where they’re a few months into trying to get close to Chris and finally, things seem to be working. Not included in this preview is also some background info on what’s going on with Melissa and Claudia.

And that is a good question, one I haven’t thought much about since I’m still not 100% sure what I want to do with Cora in the sequel. I’m kind of tempted to not bring her back and have the spark go to Malia by default. But eh, more thoughts need to be put into this.

[cloudbatcave]

I only have scattered notes from my last play session of White, but let’s dive back in regardless.

I defeated Burgh, which was easy because it’s a Bug type gym and the only Bug type trainer who ever posed a sliver of a threat was Guzma, two generations in the future. One of the NPCs called it charming, and I’m sorry, but walls made of semi-permeable yellow goo is not my idea of tasteful décor.

I’m all for a bee/honey aesthetic, but precious seconds slipped away from my life as I had to hold down the walk button to get out of the goo before it snapped back. Every single time while I went around beating up all the NPCS.

Burgh doesn’t even have any bee pokemon, which makes it yet more questionable why this is his setup. His team is Orb Centipede, a hermit crab, and a praying mantis wearing a fashionable leaf dress. If anything his gym should have been more forest-themed, with like, a beach section. 

Then Cheren and Bianca line up to fight me because I guess they wanted some free ass kickings, and I’m only too happy to oblige, and then the game forces me to chat.

“I heard Nimbasa is an entertainment city. It must be full of fun.”

But YOU’RE going there, Bianca.

They both finish by mouthing empty words about trust and growing as my brain further melts out my ears.

See, this shit might actually work if we ever saw them develop, and that’s my real problem, beyond the actual trite dialogue itself. To compare to Gen 7, you actually see Hau do nice things and express concern for people besides himself without mouthing a platitude about it every five seconds. It makes him likable and relatable.

Bianca and Cheren only ever show up if they want to fight you or there’s some sort of Team Plasma problem. You never actually see them as people, just props for the plot. They feel as flat as a pancake run over by a truck, and they didn’t have to be, the writers were just lazy.

But, onward we go, to the not at all greener pasture of the fucking desert.

“You’re a top class trainer...but what do I know?”

On one hand, I have to hand it to this NPC for having better insult game than most everyone else I’ve had the misfortune to share breathing space with, but also, I’m coming for him when he sleeps.

I see the wonder duo again and briefly contemplate hitting my DS with a hammer, but Cheren just gives me some ultra balls and backs away slowly, perhaps sensing my bubbling rage.

“What should we do now?”

Get lost in the sandstorms, Cheren, you know you long to feel their gritty embrace.

I wander out of the desert route into Nimbasa briefly and immediately regret it as some old man gets threatened by Team Plasma in my eyeshot.

“A strong looking trainer, please help me!”

By this point I may as well hang a sign around my neck stating my daily rates of personal protection if it’s just going to keep happening. $50 cold cash up front and then my hourly rate, or get some other child to fight for you.

All I wanted was the Pokemon Center so I didn’t have to keep burning my potions, but Arceus doesn’t love me that much.

At least I get a bike for my troubles! 

Then Bianca and Elesa the gym leader pop up and I’ll be honest, it’s been like two months and I tuned out that dialogue on purpose but what I did write down was to avoid the pokemon musical.

Shouldn’t be a problem. I cannot imagine the plot will ever make me go there. Not possible. Surely I am safe.

Nimbasa has a nice theme. I guess nintendo put their money into the soundtrack and not the writing.

Back in the desert to shake everyone down for exp points and find all the hidden items!

Nothing particularly exciting happens there until I get caught in an unwinnable situation. 

Sand Tomb is an almost completely irrelevant move in pokemon, given its low power and less than great accuracy rate. However, its one absolute humdinger of a side effect is that it renders you unable to flee, or switch out.

Normally, this isn’t a problem, because sand tomb doesn’t inflict that much damage and you can just apply whatever move will squeeze the life from your opponent fastest while you get docked a few paltry HP points.

Unfortunately for me, there are two other factors that make this a real day ruiner: Sandile, the perpetrator of this seemingly bogus move, is dark type as well as ground type. I had the deep misfortune to send my Munna out, who only knows psychic moves.

Anyone who played pokemon past gen 1 knows that that means one thing: Valerian, my Munna, is consigned to a slow and frustrating death due to being totally unable to land any damage on this stupid baby crocodile.

Even though this is a Nuzlocke lite run of sorts, I bring him back to life afterwards because that was such a stupid knockout I’m not counting it. It was pure bad luck, not any failing on my part.

Which of course means that he gets his clock cleaned by a Dwebble in a trainer battle soon after and I do have to count that since it was preventable. So Valerian is permadead after all, rest in pieces. Now I’m down my psychic type and I hate the design of the Gothita line so who knows if I’ll pick up another one.

Next time: desert basement shenanigans with dead people.

[theprivilegedshatlord-blog]

I am the friend known as “H” from CancerChaser blog in Chapter 6

I am here to corroborate what my friend said and provide my side of the story of this situation. Walhartonsclub (WC) told me about CancerChaser (CC) back in 2016 after the first incident where CC was wiling out on WC because of what seemed to a misunderstanding of affording a phone. I initially told WC to ignore him because he was not worth shit or at least is what I initially thought. From there he kept me informed about what CC did throughout.Now to go into when i was first referenced in the chronicles about CancerChaser. From what I knew at the time, CC asked WC to send emails over and over from phone to his email. Have no idea why would he need WC to do that. He could have used something like Imgur. Given that CC had a phone that was not a smartphone based on what I was told, it would probably be impossible. Of course trying to make simple suggestions to him like this is enough to make CC go into a hair-triggering temper tantrum, so there is no use to try to convince him to upgrade. It was 2016, being up to date shouldn’t be too hard, you can even get refurbished smartphones for a fraction of full retail price. My parents have the latest phones and they are older than CC by decades. Why did CC chose WC instead of other friends for these favors is beyond me. So he asked and asked and asked WC to send him these pics over and over. WC complied with generosity. WC likes to please his friends. He has pleased me multiple times. He also tries to be the best person he can be. Needless to say CC took advantage of him.So when it came time for CC return the favor, he was resistant initially. When he finally did start playing, he did until after half of the game was over. The game was Spring Breeze from Kirby’s Super Star on Super NIntendo. Did you know that Spring Breeze is a remake of the original Kirby’s Dream Land on Game Boy with a missing level and boss? So CC did not even bother finishing such a short abridged game. That betrayal was just foul play on CC’s end.

Then CC would later use WC’s insecurities to gain him back and asked for more favors. WC then approached me on rethinking the situation. I initially thought that he probably did not like the game and was bored. I made the suggestion to pick a game that has much less interaction. Like some touch screen DS or 3DS game. WC brought up Warioware Twisted Touched!, so I thought would be a good choice there. My reasoning is that CC probably has no real interest in video games. I have heard that he has play Super Mario Bros. 3 growing up. Which makes me realize that CC is a very casual non-gamer person.

Reading the situation in question at Chapter 5 reveals that CC had been simply holding the controller where the direction pad in the upper right corner and seemingly pressed no buttons which means he was faking interest and had no intention at all to return the favor. He really should have said that he had no interest in playing video games. He was lying to manipulate WC. Which comes to no surprise that CC refused to play Warioware Twisted Touched! when asked. He cannot play easy games. He cannot play very simple games. But he would lie about having an interest only for him to evade that with excuses. With friends like these who needs bullies?

The next time I was involved was when WC was having his panic attack resulting from personal issues that are stated in Chapter 6. I have received certain pictures that hinted that he was contemplating suicide. Being under vacation time from my job, I decided to actually come see WC to check up on him myself. When I saw him, he was sitting on a couch. When he saw me he was excited to see me I asked if he took any of the pills or hurt himself, he told me that he gave himself more time to think about it. Perhaps to think about the people that love him.

He told me about the situation that led up to the panic attack. Best way to describe what was happening without revealing confidential information is that someone was very sick and emotions erupted. I had told him that he needs more time to hang out with friends. We not only did Spring Breeze in full, but also Meta Knight’s Revenge, Dyna Blade, and Great Cave Offensive as well. Games in that collection that are larger than Spring Breeze. We did not get to do Milky Way Wishes that day, but we did eventually got to do it at another time. We also played Brawl Brothers, all I remember is that there was a code to play the Japanese version and we did that and completed the game. It was short at 5 levels long. We also played Events in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. We did not clear all of the event, only some but we did have fun.

At Applebees we discussed the situation further. There I learned that he had sent the same pics to other friends as well which made me concerned. I thought that WC was going to get a wellness check on him or worse be committed to a mental ward for days. I only knew one recipient among the 7 besides myself (I never met CC in person). The person I knew is a mutual friend. The mutual friend never really got to see the messages, so he was unaware (it reached an old phone and when he got a new one, the messages were deleted). The mutual was relieved to know that WC was okay and felt better. And yes the mutual is informed of CC and his bullshit antics; I can confirm that he heavily resents CC, as I do.

So I had to get WC to do damage control to avoid being institutionalized. As information like this can scare people and be irrational. We needed for cooler heads to prevail. So WC told everyone that it was for attention. So WC can still run his panel at a upcoming convention and not be stuck that weekend in a mental hospital. He really needed to avoid the ruining of plans like that.

After all, my cousin once told me about the one time she told exactly one person that she felt suicidal because an aunt of hers  being diagnosed of cancer (from her dad’ side, I’m related through our moms being sisters). Telling her best friend was enough for the BF to call the ambulance and my cousin had to stay in a mental ward for 16 days!

CC’s response was very callous. As far as I know, he never asked what was going on around that time. He just stayed silent and only responded with that shitty “I knew it” bullshit when he received a fucking coverup. WC was crying for help and I answered the call. I live 2 hours away and this asshat lives minutes away in walking speed, yet gives radio silence to someone he calls himself a friend to, is mere blocks away, while I invest in gas and mileage to make sure WC is okay. Some friend CC is. For someone who claims to be “a good friend” in his hate mail; he sure shows no effort in even trying to check up on him. Real piece of scum CC is.

I later go to see the panel and I liked it. Which comes to no surprise in my perspective. The next day I played Streets of Rage 1 with WC. The only other thing I remember is that there was some dude I met who was in a wheelchair because he broke his foot days before.

Now for my thoughts about CancerChaser and his narcissism.

Walhartonsclub would later work for New York Comic-Con and buy the Super NES Classic. Which meant for the later part of September and early October he would be very busy. He also was seeking for connections, so there would not be any room for free time. CancerChaser did not give a shit about the adult responsibilities WC had to do. And despite CC being older than WC, CC would not take no for an answer and start guilt tripping WC. Having enough of CC’s scummy actions, WC finally cut ties. This was met with harassment and hatemail. Which truly shows CC’s irredeemable character in full form.

CC is a fucking disgrace to everything it means to being gay. If I was gay, I would rather live in a fucking fraternity of homophobic bullies that to ever have anything to do with CC. This old man never seemed to learn a single thing about accountability or responsibility. How dare does he interfere with a job? What gives him the right to call his target for the simple reason to give expletives to him? And his emails? Disgusting does not come close. Making empty threats to for law enforcement for intimidation and truly showing his true colors on how he uses people only to claim they are useless after the fact. And his latest unprovoked email where he makes more empty threats and more shitty insults is fucked up. I have heard that CC passed by a block away from WC’s home twice after 2017. That is obvious projection. CC’s knows WC’s location. Clearly CC is the stalker. Stalking close to his target’s home and then acts like he is the victim and being harassed is scummy behavior. I have never seen such a scummy person ever as far as stalkers and harassers go.

I honestly have no consideration for him as a human being. If he receives anything terrible short of death, it is karma. He deserves nothing but negativity and hate. This man is among the lowest of monsters. I have had to deal with people with psychosis several years ago, but this man is worse by the power of 10. There is bad people and there is EXTREME SCUM. CancerChaser is the latter. The only people worse than CancerChaser are child rapists, pedophiles, murderers, terrorists, abusive parents, and human traffickers. All those aside, CancerChaser is the worst kind of person out there. Fuck this man. Fuck him HARD!

And finally I got one thing to announce. I get the feeling that people do not really want to read long as fuck posts like this on tumblr. I am going to fix that. I am going to working on readings of the CancerChaser blog and post them on YouTube so people who don’t really care about reading essays can listen to the situation as well. Because we really to expose CancerChaser and let tons of people know who much inhumane scumbag CC truly is.

[lechevaliermalfet]

Seasonally Appropriate, part II: A Long Look at the Castlevania: Lords of Shadow Series

In the early to mid-2000s, there was an odd trend of Japanese game developers farming out high-profile intellectual properties to Western developers.  To the best of my knowledge, this began with Metroid Prime, though it really got going with the beginning of the first HD generation of consoles, and would go on to include DMC: Devil May Cry, Bionic Commando, Sonic Boom, Sonic Mania, every Silent Hill game from Origins onward, and probably a host of others I’m forgetting.  

The reasons for this are difficult to pinpoint, and probably vary considerably from developer to developer.  Some developers seemed to have been caught flat-footed by the sheer amount of personnel and time required to make a game in HD.  Konami is said to have, at one point or another, pulled basically every single human being capable of operating a keyboard to work on Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.  Others may have wanted to capture a larger audience (thanks to the increased expense of creating games in HD), and felt that their games looked and felt “too Japanese” to cater to a more international audience (a move that ironically would have angered many existing fans, and often did).  Still others may simply have wanted a breath of fresh air, to see what a different design sensibility brought to the table.  Yet others may have noticed the upswing in popularity enjoyed by Western games and developers, and thought the best way to ride that gravy train was simply to give their franchises to Westerners to handle.

At any rate, it was a thing that happened.

More below the cut.  There will be spoilers.

If Metroid Prime isn’t the first example of this, then it’s the first big, high-profile example.  Nintendo basically co-founded Retro Studios, along with some of the development staff that had made the Turok gmes, and said “Here’s a big pile of money.  Cancel all your ongoing projects and make us some Metroid games.  Try not to fuck it up.”  This looked completely insane on the surface of things.  Nintendo buying what was at that time a no-name studio and giving them one of their sacred cow franchises to develop seemed unthinkable at the time. But, as they often (though not always) do, Nintendo knew what they were doing, though their reasoning was opaque to outsiders.  

On the more recent side of this phenomenon, meanwhile, we have the Sonic games. If I had to guess, I’d say the decision to farm the series out to a Western developer was motivated by some of the same factors as Metroid Prime for Nintendo.  Like the Metroid series, Sonic has greater appeal for a Western audience at this point, I think, so Sega let that audience call the shots. This initially resulted in Sonic Boom, a multimedia blitz that consisted of a decent cartoon, a couple portable games of variable quality, and a WiiU title broadly derided as a buggy, broken shit-heap of a game.  

But this really just amounted to what was at the time the most recent manifestation of the so-called “Sonic Cycle”.  It seems to go something like this: Sega announces a new Sonic game → The fanbase collectively gets hyped for the game on the strength of some carefully vetted videos, screenshots, and assorted other promotional materials → The game comes out → Reviews and impressions come in, and the game is revealed to fall somewhere on a spectrum that goes from “okay, I guess” to “complete, total, utter, and absolute flaming garbage” → The fandom reminisces mournfully about the good old days of the 16-bit era → Sega announces a new Sonic game… The Sonic Cycle is basically the perpetual triumph of hope over experience.  

The exceptions tend to be of the rule-proving variety.  Miraculously, Sega’s next move was ultimately to farm the series out to yet another developer, who had the dangerous idea that perhaps the best thing to do – by process of elimination, since Sega seemed to have tried literally everything else by this point – was to give the fans precisely the thing they had been clamoring for since Sonic 3 & Knuckles (which, for those of you playing at home, was over two decades ago): A new 16-bit Sonic game.

Sonic Mania is great, by the way.  Incidentally, it’s also probably the most widely acclaimed game in the series since the 16-bit titles it so lovingly homages.  

There’s probably a whole thinkpiece to be written, right there: Contrasting Nintendo and Sega’s decision-making abilities.  But you really only have to look at where the companies have wound up over the years to get the essence of it.  Nintendo is still bravely, confidently, profitably soldiering along in the hardware business despite having been technologically outclassed on both the console and portable fronts since 2006.  Sega, meanwhile, ended the hardware side of their business with neither a bang nor a whimper, bur rather with a sort of resigned shrug, a sigh, and a muttered “Fuck it, we tried.” They have since managed to defy expectations by staying in business.  And they still keep churning out Sonic games, despite the Cycle, to an audience that seems to consist primarily of

Children whose grandparents bought them the games

Furries of a certain stripe

Deluded Sega fanatics who are probably still waiting for the promised day when Sega releases the Dreamcast 2 and we all go home to glory.

The rest of these Western-helmed sequels, reboots, and re-imaginings of popular franchises have had varying reactions from the fans.  The phenomenon seems to be over for the time being, the causative problem either having been solved or otherwise rendered irrelevant.  At any rate, I have gone far, far afield in a piece that’s supposed to be about the Castlevania: Lords of Shadow series.

I brought up all of the foregoing to lend some context, and it went to its own weird place, but it entertained me, and fuck it, it’s not like I have an editor.  So…

Somewhere in the middle of all these Western-flavored farmings-out, we had Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. In terms of why it got farmed out to a Western developer, this one seems to descend from the House of Fuck If We Know What To Do With It; Let Someone Else Take a Crack At It.  Castlevania 64 and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness tried to make the series work in 3D on the N64, and failed.  There was a running joke for a while that Capcom had made 3D Castlevania work in the form of its Devil May Cry series, which must have incensed more than a few of the fine folks at Konami. Then Koji Igarashi, fresh off his successes with the Metroidvania games on the Playstation and the Gameboy Advance, was given a shot at it. Castlevania: Lament of Innocence and Castlevania: Curse of Darkness were better games than the N64 efforts, but…  well, you could make the argument that a good trepanning might be a better experience than those games.  If anything, both were ultimately kind of shallow Devil May Cry imitators that lurked somewhere in the B tier of the PlayStation 2 library, far less than what the series deserved.

So, come the next generation, Konami decided to let Mercury Steam handle it, and assigned Hideo “Motherfucking” Kojima to keep an eye on the project from time to time.

It had been remarked by any number of industry wags that Capcom's Devil May Cry franchise was probably the closest we were going to get to a translation of Castlevania into three dimensions.  This mostly amounted to a snide, backhanded swipe at Konami's troubles bringing the franchise into 3D on the N64 more than anything else.  There are certainly some similarities at a surface level, such as the aesthetic.  Like Castlevania, Devil May Cry is a horror fantasy that leans far more heavily into the fantasy side of its heritage. The horror imagery is less for actual scares, but more to project an easy sense of danger and menace.  And like Castlevania had been in its 2D outings (Symphony of the Night aside), Devil May Cry was a pure balls-to-the-wall action game.  But this is mostly where the similarities ended.  Castlevania's pace, in the 2D games, was always more deliberate than many of its peers (contrasted against, say, Mega Man), though you still had to have nimble fingers and a keen sense of timing.  

But perhaps the greatest difference was in personality.  Devil May Cry's personality as a game was centered on its protagonist, Dante. Sarcastic, wise-cracking, brash, cocky, and irreverent, with his long red coat and his trademark giant sword and twin pistols, Dante was the epitome of badass.  And that's before we get into all the crazy antics in his moveset.  Castlevania, meanwhile, didn't as a general rule really have characters as vivid as Dante; in fact, the only real recurring character is its villain, Dracula.  Its heroes, members of the Belmont clan of vampire slayers, tended to come across as grimly determined, muscular, sort of generic warriors who tore down all their enemies with a combination of skill and raw force, with a few straying into leather-and-fur-clad barbarian territory.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  But it does leave most of the characters lacking in personality.  But it’s to be expected.  The template for the series was created in the 8-bit days when any kind of personality was difficult to convey.

One of the most distinct features of the heroes of the classic Castlevania games (for reference going forward, "classic" is going to be shorthand for "the 8-bit and 16-bit games prior to Symphony of the Night") is the sense of pace and momentum.  There was a sense of weight and heaviness to the various members of the Belmont clan who served as player characters in those games.  Some of it came down to the way they moved.  None of them were especially fast on their feet, as video game characters went, and the series was unique for not letting you control the direction of your jump in mid-air the way so many other video games did.  It's realistic, of course, but was unusual for the time.  There was no course-correction possible if you jumped wrong, no mid-air take-backsies if you misjudged your timing.  If you got your timing wrong, then oh well.  Don’t fuck up next time.

And the Belmonts' weapon of choice, the Vampire Killer whip, was also a bit unique.  As a whip, it's got a bit of a wind-up to it.  Not a huge one, but enough that you have to be aware of it.  Your attacks don't land immediately with the press of a button.  Castlevania III was probably the best early demonstration of this, where even though it only takes three frames, swinging that whip for the attack and pelting the morning star forward is clearly animated as a full-body action.  It gives the attacks a deeply satisfying feeling of force, regardless of how much damage they do, but also means you have to pay attention to how you maneuver through the game, and have a keener sense for spacing and timing when facing an enemy.

This is another reason I feel like the assessment of Devil May Cry as the ideal for a 3D Castlevania is off.  Dante is a fun character to play as, but when it comes to maneuvering  him, he's constantly leaping, dodging, and rolling about.  He's lighter than air.  And that's fun, naturally.  But he also doesn't really feel like a Castlevania hero.

After the first disappointing venture into the third dimension with the N64 titles, Konami came out with a second set of 3D Castlevania titles for the PlayStation 2: Lament of Innocence, which aimed to tell the origins of the Belmont clan and their eternal war against Dracula and everything else that goes bump in the night; and Curse of Darkness, which was a sequel/side story to Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse. With Koji Igarashi at the helm, these fared somewhat better than the N64 entries, but still ultimately wound up climbing no higher than the upper end of the B tier of PlayStation 2 games.  Which is kind of sad, really. Castlevania deserved better than to play second fiddle to the top tier of hack-and-slash action games.  As a series that used to be a premier example of that kind of game back in the 2D days, it deserved to be on that top tier.

Really, you'd think all anyone had to do was just rip off Devil May Cry (which, given the accusations of Devil May Cry lifting liberally from Castlevania in the first place, would certainly seem justified if not terribly original), but the final products were ultimately lacking something, though it was difficult to say exactly what.  The response from critics and fans alike was generally positive, but ultimately with a feeling that something was missing.  The games were good, but didn't seem to quite live up to the legacy of their forebears.  And so the idea of creating a 3D Castlevania seems to have gotten shelved again for the time being.

As the first generation of HD consoles really came into its own, it became apparent that the old total dominance of Japanese developers in that arena, at least at the upper end of technical and technological prowess, was on the wane.  There are a number of different reasons for this, and the discussion frankly deserves its own write-up.  The bottom line is that Western developers were quickly becoming ascendant in console gaming, where previously they had made up a small minority of the notable output.  And so Konami got the idea to do with Castlevania what they had done with Silent Hill, what Capcom had done with Bionic Commando and what Nintendo had done with Metroid: give the franchise to a Western developer to handle.

MercurySteam was, in the beginning, basically a no-name outfit with nothing published under their own name.  Wikipedia indicates that MercurySteam was made primarily of personnel from an older development studio called Rebel Act.  They were notable apparently for just one game, and that had been back in 2001. What they did in the nine-ish years between that and Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, if anything, is a mystery to me.  Why they got chosen to work on one of Konami's classic series is likewise a mystery.  But whatever; it happened.

Lords of Shadow was initially teased just by its subtitle, and first billed as a new intellectual property for Konami.  This was done in part to avoid trampling the hype Konami wanted to build for Castlevania Judgment, a Wii-exclusive fighting game featuring multiple characters from different points in the timeline.  This was almost universally dunked on and dumped on by critics and users alike, so it's questionable how much damage the announcement of Lords of Shadow could have done to it.

I can't pretend to know what the reaction was when Lords of Shadow was announced officially as a Castlevania game. To be honest, I wasn't paying much attention until near its release, though I picked up a copy near launch.  I sometimes think that even without the impending release of Castlevania Judgment, Konami might still have teased Lords of Shadow without the Castlevania name for a while.  At that point, it may have been easier to build hype for an all-new IP than for a new Castlevania game on console, given the baggage the series carried.

I was curious to see what a Western-developed installment of the franchise might look like.  In terms of aesthetics, the classic 8- and 16-bit Castlevanias had always had more of a Western look to them, which made sense given the eastern European setting and backing history/mythology.  If anything, this was one of the franchises where handing it off to a Western developer made the most sense.

(As a side note, MercurySteam later went on to make Metroid: Samus Returns on the 3DS, which now makes them the only developer of Metroidvania games to have worked on both a Metroid and a 'vania.)

For inspiration, Lords of Shadow seems to have turned to the God of War series. From the burly, muscular hero, to the chain-based weapon that allows the player to operate at some distance from the enemy (though in fairness, the chain whip has been part of Castlevania since way before God of War was a thought in anyone’s head), to the brutal take-downs, to the regularly occurring puzzle-solving challenges, to the quick-time events used to finish off bosses and major enemies, there is a lot of God of War in this game.  But one of the first, biggest differences is in tone. The player character's brutality in Lords of Shadow is more utilitarian, more matter of fact and by the way, where God of War's Kratos explicitly relishes his violence.

Rather than a sequel, though, Lords of Shadow serves as a reboot of the series, which frustrated some.  There had been talk by various characters in Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow, which take place in 2035 and 2036, respectively, about a conflict in 1999 wherein Dracula was finally beaten and destroyed once and for all.  Fans had naturally been clamoring for the chance to play this epic final showdown pretty much since it was first hinted at, and had been repeatedly disapopinted when it failed to materialize.  The forecast for said showdown appearing seemed to go from "unlikely, but stay hopeful" to "nope" with the announcement that Lords of Shadow was going to be a reboot.  This kind of thing usually signals that the old continuity is done for good.  And it effectively is, though that's mainly because Konami seems to have gotten out of the video game business entirely at this point.

As a story, Lords of Shadow follows to some extent in the series tradition, which is to say, it's pretty ridiculous.

We start off with Gabriel Belmont, an original creation for this reboot series.  He belongs to the Brotherhood of Light, a group of holy warriors whose purpose is to eliminate supernatural enemies of humankind. Clad in their signature red outfit (probably a nod to the artwork for Simon Belmont in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest), he wields the Combat Cross, which is (or rather, will become over the course of the game) this continuity's take on the Vampire Killer whip.

It is medieval times, and Satan has cast a spell to seperate Heaven and the Earth, trapping the souls of the dead in the world of the living, and generally causing all sorts of supernatural shenanigans. Gabriel, at the behest of the Brotherhood, is after an ancient relic called the God Mask, which should enable its wearer to break Satan's spell.  However, it's been broken into three pieces, each one held by one of the titular Lords of Shadow.

Said Lords are revealed over the course of the game to have once been members of the Brotherhood of Light themselves, who achieved such a degree of holiness that their spirits ascended to Heaven.  However, they were so holy that they didn't even have to die for this to happen.  Their spirits just... ascended, and left their bodies behind.  Their fleshly, mortal bodies, which were now susceptible to all manner of vice and villainy and corruption, and lacking none of their former power. Thus were the Lords of Shadow born as dark reflections of their former holiness.

Along the way, Gabriel is occasionally assisted by another, older member of the Brotherhood, named Zobek.  In addition to his passive observation, advice, and occasional hands-on assistance in Gabriel's quest (all meant to subtly goad him in particular directions for reasons initially left unexplained), Zobek also narrates between chapters.  

Zobek is voiced by Patrick Stewart, but unfortunately, he just seems ever-so-slightly off in Lords of Shadow. He's not bad at all.  It's just that he seems to always be a little off from what I think of as the right tone for the character and his lines.  Robert Carlyle, who provides the voice of Gabriel, seems to be a bit more on-point.

Gabriel also has a dead wife to avenge, or ideally, to bring back to life, a feat he hopes to accomplish with the power of the God Mask.  He also has (without his knowledge) a son, whose gestation and birth occurred during one of his long absences on Brotherhood business, and whose existence goes unmentioned until later entries in the series. The secret of this child's birth was deliberately kept from him by the Brotherhood and his wife (who was sworn to secrecy by them) due to some unspecified danger they saw in his future.

His journey takes him through the wilderness of a version of Europe that never existed, and then into the ruins of the ancient fictional civilization of Agharta, and to worse places yet.  Background lore is dispensed by way of scrolls found on the bodies of fallen Brotherhood members that Gabriel encounters as he goes.  All of this, as well as information about the various creatures Gabriel faces, items he acquires, and moves he learns, is kept in a tome he brings with him, which the player can read at their leisure.  Most of it is stupidly, wonderfully overwrought.

Gabriel, we are eventually told, is God's chosen champion, empowered to confront Satan himself in order to undo his malevolent magic.  Slowly but surely, Gabriel confronts each of the Lords of Shadow and retrieves their piece of the God Mask.  This includes Zobek, we eventually discover, who is a necromancer of considerable power, and who is ultimately revealed to have escaped death despite his defeat.  

Through the course of Lords of Shadow, Gabriel does indeed successfully beat up Satan and restore the world to its normal order.  However, he is unable to resurrect his wife after all.  Then the DLC gives him a new foe to face, and in order to do this, he must give up his humanity and become a vampire.

This culminates in him becoming the evil Dracula who served as the villain for the vast majority of the original Castlevania series. 

Mirror of Fate, a spinoff released physically for the 3DS and digitally for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, occurs in the ensuing years and decades after Gabriel rises to become a vampiric overlord with ambitions of world domination.

We start off as Simon Belmont, who is unaware that Dracula was once a Belmont himself (in fact, Dracula is his grandfather).  Simon is a fur-clad, muscular barbarian with very little in the way of characterization, who is aided from time to time (sometimes without his knowledge) by a pale, black-clad stranger running around the castle, who turns out to be Alucard, the son of Dracula.  The two team up to stake Dracula, though as series fans already know, this isn’t going to be permanent.

Then the game shifts focus, and we get to play as Alucard.  Alucard likewise has very little character growth or development.  Then, when his section is finished, the game shifts focus again.  We end the game playing as Trevor Belmont, Gabriel's son, a generation or so before Simon's time, and find out just exactly how bad Trevor's own mission against Dracula went.

When we come to the opening of Lords of Shadow 2, we find that Gabriel-as-Dracula is still God's chosen one, despite all the murder and blood-drinking and oppression that's just du rigeur for being a vampiric overlord.  As such, he is immortal – virtually impossible to kill even by the standards of vampires.

But Lords of Shadow 2 proper begins in the modern era.  Zobek, now a wealthy and powerful businessman with his fingers in a variety of pies, approaches Dracula in the cathedral where he has recently reawakened. But the lord of vampires persists in a diminished state.  Weakened and desiccated, he looks like a walking corpse, a pale shadow of his former self, hating his eternal life but feeling compelled to go on with it in order to spite his enemies (Zobek, Satan, and God Himself). So he lingers.

Zobek offers him a way out.  Satan's minions are increasing in power, gearing up for their master's return to the human world.  As God's chosen one, Dracula alone is empowered to fight against him.  In exchange, Zobek promises he can finally put an end to Dracula's life once and for all, as he has reassembled the broken Vampire Killer whip once wielded by Gabriel himself.  And so, after a meal to freshen up (probably one of the most disturbing and problematic parts of the entire series), Dracula sets off through the city that now stands on the foundations of his ancient, massive castle from centuries ago.

Where the original Lords of Shadow was more plot-focused, Lords of Shadow 2 tries to be more character driven, focusing on Dracula's return to humanity – in spirit, if not physically.  Unfortunately, the focus on story, not just in Lords of Shadow 2 but in the entire reboot series, is where it most falls flat.

The whole thing is difficult to take seriously much of the time. Granted, Castlevania as a whole is ridiculous and over the top.  This has been true from the very first game, which was riddled with anachronisms (fighting Frankenstein's monster somewhere in the sixteenth or seventeenth century) and featuring Death himself as Dracula's right-hand man – well, right-hand personification of the abstract concept of the end of life – all throughout the series.  Seriously, it isn't a proper Castlevania game if there isn't a boss fight against Death somewhere near the end, preferably one tough as nails.  But that oddly makes a certain amount of sense.  As a being who routinely flouts death by coming back to life once a century just as a matter of course (not even getting into all the times people resurrect him just because), Dracula might be expected to be on some kind of terms with the Grim Reaper.  

But then the Lords of Shadow continuity introduces this whole Satan business, and I just...

No.

So the idea in the Lords of Shadow continuity is that Gabriel Belmont is for whatever reason God's champion, chosen to face down Satan and prevent him from taking over the world.  And for some reason, I just have a hard time buying it.  Having a character fight off lesser demons and mythological monsters?  Sure, no problem.  Having that character fighting off the servants of Satan in this world to prevent him from entering it, yeah, that's perfectly fine.  But having a knock-down, drag-out with the big man, the capital-D Devil himself?  Somehow, my brain draws a line there. Maybe it's because the game uses a generally Christian mythological framework, and Lords of Shadows' idea of Satan doesn't really mesh with that.  You don't just throw down with the Father of Lies.  I mean, yes, there are all sorts of folktales about conflicts between humankind and the devil, but none of them end in a brawl.  That's just not how it goes; that's not what he's there for.

Which is a goddamn shame, because there are hints of something more interesting going on.  Gabriel-as-Dracula in Lords of Shadow 2 has positioned himself as an enemy of God (he refers at least once to being a thorn in His side), mainly by going against God's stated purpose for him.  The game opens pretty memorably with him in a conflict against the Brotherhood of Light, displaying his immunity to the holy powers they try to call down on him, screaming at one paladin in particular that his reliance upon God is his undoing, because despite Gabriel's defiance, he is still God's chosen one.  There's also the idea that as Dracula, Gabriel is a necessary evil, that although he stands in opposition to God (over his anger at the fate God thrust upon him), he also stands as a bulwark against Satan, as well as Zobek, who has his own designs on the world.

And the games are gorgeous.  All of them lean hard into a sort of quasi-gothic horror-fantasy aesthetic that I really would love to see more of.  This is all quite apart from the technical capability on display, which is also top-notch.  I love just running around in them, looking at the scenery and beating the unholy hell out of the monsters that come crawling out of it.

But it ultimately falls apart for being too self-serious.  Castlevania has always had an odd silly streak.  As mentioned, the original games took a bunch of mythological creatures and classic horror movie monsters, mashed them all together, and played the whole thing completely straight.  They did this knowing how ridiculous it was, but doing it anyway because it was also completely fucking awesome. This is in the grand tradition of old-school video games, where the plot was less of a story that you got invested in and more of an excuse for all the things the game was going to have you do.

The problem is that this really works best when you do it in the style of those older games, when you don't draw too much attention to it or elaborate on it too much.  I mean, let's break down the series mythology from the original continuity:

-- Since the Middle Ages, Dracula the vampire has been terrorizing Europe, returning to life once every century to do it.  He summons to him all manner of creatures from myth and legend (and other fiction) in pursuit of this goal.

-- The Belmont clan, carriers of the Vampire Killer whip, are  uniquely empowered to smite him.  This they do, with as much reliability as Dracula's return, alongside a growing number of allies.

-- Sometimes there are cultists or other Bad People who resurrect Dracula for their own ends outside the usual once-per-century pattern, or other evil entities who borrow his power in some fashion.

And that's basically it.  And it worked.  It was simple, but it was effective, in the way that the stories of games like, say, Super Mario Bros. or the early Sonic the Hedgehog games were.  It wasn't built to handle a lot of lore and characterization, and in fact it kind of falls apart under the weight of those things. You start trying to give Castlevania a really deep, involving story, and that just exposes how ridiculous the whole thing actually is, how shaky the framework, how unsteady the foundation is to build lore upon.  You can hear its light, almost slapped-together framework creaking under the weight of all that load.

We see this happening in the original series.  Symphony of the Night, and the portable entries that followed in its footsteps, crammed in just about all the story that the games were really set up to handle.  Then we get to Lament of Innocence, which tries hard to justify Dracula's motives and tendency to return from death to fulfill them, the Belmont clan's struggle against  him, and all the rest.  And the real problem is that it's totally unnecessary, and the attempt to sell it as high drama with this inherent silliness in its premise just continually falls flat.

To a certain extent, I get the perceived need to do this.  We seem to have left behind the era when major, big-budget games can be just fun. They have to be these big, trampling, sober, serious things now, all high stakes and serious business.  Most of the games that revolve around being fun tend to find themselves in the vanishing B-tier of games, or else indie titles.  Or the exclusive province of Nintendo.  There doesn't seem to be room in the industry any more for big-budget games that don't take themselves entirely seriously.  

So what does Lords of Shadow, as a sub-series, get right?

Quite a bit, it turns out.

Despite its missteps with the story, the world looks gorgeous.  I'd love to see a remastered version that features the games running at 60 frames per second in 1080p, and maybe sharpens the textures up a bit, but honestly, it looks pretty much fine as it is.  The characters and environments are nicely detailed, and I love the overall sense of design.  Especially toward the middle of the first game, where the levels tend toward "Gothic, but totally over the top".  

The beginning of Lords of Shadow seems a little questionable, mainly because of the focus on purely fantasy creatures: goblins, trolls, etc.; things that don't really have much to do with the horror imagery Castlevania typically goes for.  It's not bad, it just doesn't quite fit right.

But as the game goes on, it dives more into horror territory, with werewolves, vampires, and more outlandish creatures still.  Boss battles are giant setpieces which are plenty challenging, and usually end with a series of quick-time events that work you through an ultimately brutal but satisfying take-down of the boss in question.  

The sense of substantiality, of heaviness, that I usually associate with the classic Castlevania heroes is present and accounted for.  With his broad shoulders and muscular physique, Gabriel evokes the deliberate movements of the heroes of the classic Castlevania games. And his attacks land with a satisfying impact, again hitting that feeling of "considered and deliberate" that I associate with the classic titles.  At the same time, he's actually quite light on his feet.  While that still makes him a little different from the Belmonts of old, it makes sense with the way the game's designed. Unlike those classic games, most of the enemies don't die in just one or two hits.  Like many hack-and-slash games, Gabriel's movement through the game's areas is very stop-and-go, stretches of travel and puzzle-solving punctuated by combat encounters with multiple enemies (or one major enemy), each of which takes some work to bring down.  Faster and more complex maneuvers are necessary to avoid being obliterated.

There are also a few callbacks here and there to the previous series. Although Gabriel is a completely original character to the series, his design is clearly meant to evoke the look of Simon Belmont as he appeared in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. Structurally, Lords of Shadow borrows from the more linear structure old-school, classic style of Castlevania games. The first Lords of Shadow follows in the classic mold more than either of its sequels in the rebooted continuity.  Lords of Shadow 2 features a seamlessly interconnected environment, but in the end, the player is still directed through it in a mostly linear fashion, with the optional digressions being just that.  

Mirror of Fate, meanwhile, is the least classic-like of the three, instead hewing much closer to the Metroidvania style, but it's pretty shallow as Metroidvanias go.  It apes the style of Igarashi's 2D predecessors, but lacks much of the real substance.  It's not bad, but it's sort of a letdown.  It’s disappointing mainly in the way that it presents itself as a Metroidvania game, but then... isn't, really.  The whole thing is so on-rails that most of the major backtracking feels forced, and the backtracking that isn't is so minor that you can safely skip over it.  It's more of a straight-up action game dressed up like a Metroidvania, as if they did it because that's just what's expected of a 2D Castlevania these days.  Which is a shame, becasue MercurySteam can make a good Metroidvania – they went on to do it with Metroid: Samus Returns (though, admittedly, they were working from the template of a pre-existing game).

Interestingly, one of the classic series features that doesn't get touched on in Lords of Shadow is the music.  Over the years, the classic Castlevania titles have built up a variety of iconic pieces that people tend to expect to hear. "Vampire Killer", "Wicked Child", and "Bloody Tears" are just some of the more famous ones.  These often get worked into the various sequels and remakes in one form or another. Lords of Shadow mostly lacks these, barring a music-box rendition of "Vampire Killer" in an unlikely spot.  In fact, the soundtrack is mainly comprised of generic orchestral pieces which are nice – they swell and pound in all the right places to evoke the appropriate mood – but not really melodic or memorable.

A number of fans of the series were upset by the lack of classic tracks.  While I can understand the general complaints about the soundtrack on its own merits, I do find it somewhat overblown. It would've been nice, sure.  But plenty of other well-regarded games in the classic seriess, such as the particularly revered Symphony of the Night, did without the classic tunes from the series history, and nobody complained then.

Bits of original series lore also pop up here and there, recycled and repurposed to match the tone and style of the new continuity, as a wink and nod from the developer to the fans.  But in the end, it almost feels more frustrating than anything else.  These bits of the original series that poke up into view here and there seem to serve as reminders of the game that I wanted, bolted onto the game that we got.  I was looking for something dark and grim and gloriously over the top, borderline goofy in its melodrama.

And that, I think, is most of my problem with Lords of Shadow, as a continuity unto itself.  There are some great setpieces, and the combat is fine, and the games look about as good as it's possible for last-gen console hardware to get.  And the story is gloriously over the top.  It just...  It takes itself too seriously. It gets in its own way, falls over itself, and just generally doesn't land right.  It looks right, it just doesn't feel quite right.  The tone is off, and it dwells on itself too much.  Classic Castlevania would do something over the top and ridiculous and awesome, and then move on. Lords of Shadow dwells on it, lingers on it, and it’s neither deep enough nor solid enough to support that level of seriousness.  I think most times that it really should have been its own intellectual property.

It's better than the 3D Castlevania games to come before it.  But Castlevania still deserves better.

It's a shame that, with Konami being what they are now, we're probably never going to get it.

[serlymurly]

A RANT ABOUT CHARACTERS, CREATION, AND THE PROCESS OF BEING INSANE

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s have a rant. A good, old fashioned rant about something that’s been nagging at my mind. First, paint the scene;

It’s 6 in the morning. The sun is rising outside. The love of my life is asleep in bed, our cat is in a box lined with a fuzzy blanket that I could have draped around my shoulders because frankly, it’s a bit cold. We have no creamer, and I think coffee wouldn’t help this headache that’s pounding away at my skull - and I have four people talking in my head.

Did I lose you yet? Probably not. It’s pretty straight forward. First - the puppy nailed to the wall. Four people talking in my head, what? Well - technically, I think they’re all me. But on a different level, only two of them are me. Got it?

One of me is going on about how this is all, in fact, a terrible idea and that to post any of this is to admit to a certain kind of insanity that I really shouldn’t be admitting to. This isn’t normal, on any level; I’ve never heard people talk about it, and the only person that I’m aware is actually on point with how I do things in writing is asleep.

The other part of me really wants banana bread, and frankly, I can’t fault that. Can you? Of course you fucking can’t, unless you’re allergic to bananas. Fuck yeah, banana bread.

Then, there’s the other two. One is a face that people who follow me are familiar with; James Oaklen. Don’t know who he is? Probably not! I’ll talk about him later. And he’s having a lovely conversation with this newest creation, this newest part of my intracranial house - Aeslen. But I won’t talk about her. Not yet.

So, yes. Four people. All adamantly talking their points, all actively going on and doing their own thing; existing in some level on a scene that I’ve always had in my head. Let’s explain that bit, shall we? Sorry this is disjointed - again, no coffee.

Flash back I don’t know how many years, and I was a young, young boy. I barely had any understanding of how to type; I’d never played a game outside of Banjo-Kazooie and Super Mario 64, games that required a controller.

I will spare the dirty details, but life at home was not perfect. There was yelling; there was hitting, there was strife, and a family that was slowly tearing itself apart. I could see the writing on the wall when I was 7, that’s how bad it was. So - my mom decides it’s a good idea to introduce me to this game she plays.

A game called Ultima Online.

And holy crap, that was amazing! I spent hours doing nothing of any importance on her computer, on our shitty internet in that crappy home in Ohio, just exploring this world with a character that I had created with my own two hands in a whole other world. This was a concept that I had never experienced; this was a new and exciting frontier for me. I named him Krill because that’s a COOL name and it sounds COOL. I gave him flaming red hair, I made him a paladin, and I spent hours just trying to kill skeletons in a really easy area at the start of the game because I kept forgetting how to fight things.

And then, one day, everything changed. UO, it turns out, maybe just the server I was on - had a very active community of this thing called ‘Role Players’. Weird, right? People who actively played out their characters as real, living things - in this world. Personalities, histories, everything. I stumbled on them by accident when I got lost in the big castle in the main town of the game.

There, at the time, was a bunch of high-end guilds. One was the Orcs (it was just people with orc masks on, but they pretended to be orcs and they rocked at it). There was the Highlanders (they wore kilts and I REALLY WANTED TO BE ONE). There was a merchant guild, and - all these other guilds I feel bad not remembering. And I was just this little seven-year old kid with a character named Krill with flaming red hair that walks into the middle of this big, IC meeting they were having. Imagine them responding to me with actual respect?

Imagine them actually… explaining what they were doing? With respect? I was so awestruck, I asked if I could play. They made me door guard. Boy, LET ME TELL YOU, I took that job so seriously. I stood just outside the meeting and I could see all their little talk, all while making sure nobody entered without permission. I was so hyped.

That, that stuck with me. Okay? Remember that. The idea - the concept that they had presented to me, this way that you could live another life through a digital form. That stuck with me.

But - well, things change. People. Lives. I never really got into the RP scene on that game; I wandered around and pretended to be part of things, but it was mostly them politely recognising me and letting me watch them do stuff. I only had an hour each day online, so it just - wasn’t enough. Eventually, my mom stopped paying for her UO account due to issues. So - back to the nintendo and other things.

Flash forward. Divorce imminent between the two parents. The world is collapsing around us children. My sisters are massive assholes, my brother and I feel like we’re alone together in a sea. So… in a desperate attempt to keep his spirits up, I introduce him to the concept. “Let’s pretend to be Link and go slay invisible monsters!”

Stupid, right? So we pick up sticks and start staying as far away from our house as we could. We’d talk about all the things we were fighting, we’d hit each other with ‘swords’, we’d drag our local friends into it! We just - disassociated. I think for him, it was mostly the swinging the sticks that was interesting; always fighting, always smacking things. But for me? I was using my mind to, you know. Envision such grandiose and wondrous things for us to be fighting! I was imagining landscapes, unspeakable monsters, and the type of person that I would be!

That evolved. Stuff happened again. We moved from where we’d been living to a new environment; Michigan. I like Michigan, don’t get me wrong; fucking love it there. But, well - we were young. I didn’t know anyone, and it was 5th grade. And then - more stuff happened.

I won’t go into nitty details, but one of my sister’s had a major incident occur. This lead to the family being put under more strain, which eventually finally snapped the cord. Grandparents died. One suddenly, one from cancer shortly after. A nasty, nasty divorce that left me feeling horrible. I was convinced that I could have stopped it - all of it. I was convinced that I should have; since I wanted to be that big hero, remember? Since I wanted to shoulder all the burdens.

I took it upon myself to never show any problems outwardly, after that point. I just smiled and acted silly and nobody really paid me much mind. “Oh, he’s always fine!” It’s about this time I got into (GASP) UO again. Freeservers, this time; technically, I think that was illegal, but who cares. I got deep into it; I made my first *real* RP character, who was of course a massive dork. Leone, a grey elf ranger that ate lemons - because I’d convinced *myself* that if you ate enough lemons, you could spit caustic spit? I don’t know, I was weird.

Leone would be my staple character for a long time. So long, in fact, that I began to wonder - as maybe we all do - where he stopped and I began. Sure, he was an elf with magic and grey skin - but personality wise, I felt he was a lot like me!

Then I learned that was a cardinal sin of roleplay. Apparently, you should never - EVER - make a character like yourself. You become too attached - which I did. You become too personally involved - which I did.

Games change, years move on. I went to SWG, I played a new character - Stodosmo Oci (horrible name I know). He was a security officer at a hospital! It was great. I loved it. It was a long, boring time of just sitting and watching doctors RP it out with patients in Mos Entha. And then.. I don’t know. Things. Again.

Went from there to WoW. Technically, I’d been in WoW since Vanilla - but the lore had never struck me as interesting enough to roleplay in seriously until just before BC released. I had a series of characters there, all sharing the same last name; Rodetan. Eventually, as Wrath came to a close, I decided to consolidate them into one large family tree.

WoW’s timeline sucks. That’s all you need to know about that.

Who remembers the early days of WRA? Alliance-side, there was a guild called ‘Stormwind’s Army’. Yes, it was just another military RP guild. Yes, we did a lot of patrolling and policing. It was fun, though; my character rose from an unwashed bum to chief recruitment officer. And then - drama happened. The guild split. I followed the ‘rebels’, and we formed the Vanguard of the Alliance (VotA). That was also fun.

Anyways, I’m sparing you all the nitty-gritty details - but this is where the story, once more, becomes interesting. After so long, VotA eventually fell apart. We all went our separate ways, and eventually three of the officers let me know that they’re still RPing in-game with this new group - Blood of Arathor, I think it was called. I’m asked if I want to join them. I say - sure, but not on the character I’d been using.

At the time, I was - kind of embarrassed of that character. I still am. He’s my best success story, yes, but he felt - I don’t know. Too close to me, in some ways that I won’t get into. So I thought - why not make a NEW character?!

OH BOY.

But there was a problem. And this is what most of this rant was building up to.

I had to build a new character.

From scratch.

Alright, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? - Except somewhere along the line of creating him - he came alive. In designing him, in creating his personality - I suddenly found that I was physically talking to myself - and in my mind, this quiet man was responding. James Oaklen, Knight of Stromgarde, was telling me about himself.

His goals. His life. His loves. His interests. All about himself; his world. How he felt about certain foods, how he felt about everything.

At the time - I had very, very acute problems in the real world. I was taking drugs, drinking heavily, I was obnoxiously depressed to the point of being borderline suicidal - and… well, this happened. What did it mean?

Don’t answer that. It’s not a real question, because it doesn’t matter.

I accepted that he was who he was - and he’s become one of my favorite recurring personalities in my characters. And he’s not the only one, anymore. At some point, this - new way of creation, this way to create characters that exist in my own mind - just, settled in.

So.. I wanted to document how it works. Sort of. Maybe you at home can replicate it?

I start by closing my eyes. I think about what races there are to choose from, what classes or skillsets; and then I just… start to see a person. Whoa, weird, huh? Just an outline. A faint outline.

So, we reach out with our mind, and we call to them; and they slowly come forward. We get an imprint, a basic idea for what they look like, in our minds. So - we go to the creator and we try to do that. As close as possible.

Then we look at the character. Scars; how did they get them? Each scar is a story in itself, and as you look - they begin to tell you about each one. As if just explaining casually. James has a scar along his neck, which he earned when he almost died defending his Lady - something that he constantly thinks about as a time that he failed.

Or, other big features? James - again, using him as an example - has a large, bushy black moustache. It’s his family’s staple, a sign of their masculinity and proof that an Oaklen has come of age.

And so on. Then, by the time we get to the point where we have to name them, they’ve already told us the most important things. We don’t just have a vague outline in our little mind shack; now, we have a PERSON. And the name? Well… That’s a limitation of the system, baby. Pick something as close to what resembles the name they called themselves, and stick to it.

I could go into more depth. I could go into the process of creating a video where I create a character, but - well, why? It’s just this vague idea that I want to get across right now. I really doubt anyone will read this five-to-seven page long spiel all the way through. But it’s just - interesting, to me. It constantly is there, this - process, these characters, these people. And not just them; worlds come just as easily. Is that the product of an over-active imagination from a man that was desperately seeking to avoid reality and paint a better fiction for himself to sit in? Probably.

But… I don’t know. When it boils down to it, I just let it happen. I get ideas in my head all the time for wondrous worlds, characters and things - but the most agonizing problem is that they can never seem to translate into text or print. I can’t paint worth a damn, I can barely draw - and the one medium I have for escape, Roleplay, is something that I barely do anymore.

So - how do I make it stop? Do I want to make it stop? Should I? How do I harness this? How do I focus it into something specific?

If you made it this far, congratulations. I don’t know how to end it, so I’m just tagging all the mmo’s I’ve ever played or remember playing for giggles. Kudos if you get all of them!

[rpmusingsnstuff]

‘KHONJIN HOUSE’ ASK MEME.

SEASON ONE.

“ I think it’s time to order a pepperoni pizza! ” “ Alright, let’s try this again. ” “ Why did you hang up on me?! ” “ Do you know the toll my fucking brain has taken from you calling nonstop? ” “ I can’t fucking use my dick anymore because of you. ” “ I want you dead, you little prick. ” “ This is just a plate of spaghetti. ” “ You can’t leave like this! ” “ Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to ‘Guess the Answer You Fucking Idiot!’ ” “ Your prize for winning is: full legal authority to burn my house down and kill my family-- WHAT? ” “ I think I swallowed a bottle cap. ” “ I’ve never burned down a house before! ” “ What?! What do you want?! ” “ Do you want this? It’s my most prized possession. ” “ That’s the STUPIDEST thing I’ve ever heard. ” “ Get in the back! Right now! ” “ God have mercy on all of us. But-- but mostly me. ” “ Are you American? ” “ Who are you? Wait! Don’t tell me. ” “ Whaaat is this? ” “ It’s just a little scooty. Don’t fuck with it. ” “ Ladies and gentlemen... FUCK! ” “ So it’s come to this. You’re not winning this fight. ” “ You’re not as big as you think, broseph. ” “ The only rock you’re gonna feel is the pavement. ” “ You’re gonna foot the bill of a check your body can’t cash! ” “ The bill? The food hasn’t even come yet! ” “ Maybe if you paid your bills, your wife wouldn’t have left ya. ” “ My wife and I have a beautiful marriage! ” “ They couldn’t cheat on a math test, much less cheat on me. ” “ You’ll kill us both! ” “ Don’t worry, I know how to disable bombs. ” “ You may already be a winner. ” “ Get the fuck out. Right now. ” “ You are not the legal owner of that package. ” “ I wanna play my Gamecube. ” “ That’s not a question. ” “ Where’s my Xbox? ” “ How about you get me a PSpiece of pizza, or you can Nintendo Sixty-forget about ever surviving! ” “ Can we get pizza? ” “ Um, so anyway, uh. Call me back. ” “ That’s a lot of of people they’ve gotta fight. ” “ I just had the greatest idea ever. We should write a Broadway play. ”

SEASON TWO.

“ Hey, you! You like pizza? ” “ Can I have a refill? ” “ Get out of here, you little scumbag. ” “ I make the best pizza around. ” “ No! They’re a fraud! They’re a fucking fraud! ” “ Is it true your pizzeria has passed the local health inspections? ” “ You gotta help me, doc. ” “ I got more degrees than a thermometer. ” “ That’s a wrench. ” “ Gotta hand it to you. My dick, that is. Hehehehe... ” “ You idiot! I’ll tear your degree to pieces! ” “ I’m a Youtube celebrity! 1,000 subscribers! ” “ You are garbage. ” “ Why are these names so god damn long? ” “ If you’re such a celebrity, why don’t you go off and be famous? And never come back. ” “ What the hell are you doing?! ” “ You are contractually obligated to as a Youtube superstar. ” “ Reinforce the gate! Don’t let any of them through! ” “ Who dares trespass? ” “ You’re dead! I killed you myself! ” “ I disposed of you before, and I can do it again! ” “ How easily you forget... ” “ For your grievous error you will perish. ” “ This is true. Though I have died before, once is enough. Spread the word to every corner of this earth. This house won’t be so easi-- this is so fucking dumb. ” “ Call me immediately! I wanna know. ” “ So what do you think? ” “ How do you plead guilty? ” “ I don’t know. I’ve never been guilty before. ” “ Are we really going to believe a man who publicly admitted to killing his wife and children? ” “ What a wonderful day to be the king. ” “ It wasn’t yesterday, but that’s how it felt. ” “ I don’t live in Sacramento! ” “ I’m not looking for women, I’m looking for pizza! ” “ It’s kind of mesmerizing, really. ” “ Ah, what a wonderful day to make the pizza. ” “ You. Guard. The door. Don’t move. ” “ I despise every fibre of your being. ” “ Who the fuck is this person? ” “ Also, Wreck it Ralph is a terrible movie. ” “ What’s that? ” “ I’m not involving myself with you. At all. ” “ Any of you guys see my Chia Pet? ” “ Holy shit. What the hell happened? ” “ I feel like liquid. ” “ Hey, I found something! ” “ What the hell is that? ” “ Do I look like someone who knows what the hell that is? Because I am. What was your question? ” “ I wanna know how to get the hell out of here! ” “ I will staple your face to a beehive. ” “ How about-- a high five?” “ Oh my god. They just exploded. How is that even possible? ” “ Science dictates you can’t burst into fire like that. ”

SEASON THREE.

“ The footage was doctored! You idiot! ” “ Give me the gun. Just... give me the gun. ” “ You can’t trust anyone. Except for the one man I can trust with my whole life! ” “ Words lack the parameters to accurately describe how I feel about you. ” “ Every night, I have reoccurring dream. It's you, sleeping in your bed. And it's me, with a pair or gardening shears. And I tear that stupid-ass nose right off your face, and I put it on top of my fireplace. When your dumbass daddy comes over trying to get it back, 43 trucks fall out of the sky and land exactly where he's standing. Killing him instantly. One day, it'll happen. ” “ Turn that fucking music off! ” “ I get it! You’re famous! When are you leaving?! ” “ They’re all... gone. ” “ You must follow my lead. ” “ Welcome back everybody, my wife is a bitch, we’re here at the beautiful Nickville Square Country Club. ” “ Much like my grandfather is one stroke away from having me inherit the family fortune. Yes indeed, he procured millions of dollars as a conman. ” “ I don’t know. They’re not finished. ” “ I forgot to give them food. ” “ Take a seat under my Christmas tree! There’s NOTHING there! ” “ What are you doing here, hotshot? Get out. ” “ Shut the fuck up! ” “ You ever hear a joke about the kid who dissipated into the tides of time?! ” “ And I was an undercover cop the whole time, which is what I would have said if I was a cop, I’m a murderer. ” “ What a wonderful day not to have any Christmas money. ” “ I was looking to play cards, but you can go fish. ” “ As in, like, money? But I ain’t gonna play cards with some bitchy fishy who’s trying to swim with the sharks. So how about you grab yourself a towel, and get out of the pool. ” “ Let’s play some cards! ” “ What I’m saying is I’m going to have sex. ” “ As of three hours ago, I own the copyright on playing cards. ” “ Christmas isn’t about making money! Christmas is about making a shit ton of money! ” “ The night... had just begun. ” “ Don’t trust the streets. ” “ Hey! Could you please shut up? ” “ Crisis averted. ” “ The next moment he’s coming out from behind the counter with a baseball bat. ” “ Basically, I have no idea how to solve the case. ” “ Like a man with a credit card debt of over two hundred dollars worth of OKCupid subscriptions, I was getting nowhere fast. ” “ I found the perfect guy for the job. ” “ I knew you would return. ” “ You don’t recognize your own sibling? ” “ Just thought i’d pay you a visit... ” “ Why didn’t you call before you showed up? ” “ The fuck are you doing? ” “ Where the hell have you been?! ” “ Who the hell is that? ” “ What the hell is going on? ” “ Don’t pretend like you’re not here. I know you’re here! ” “ Come and get it! ” “ Come on. Tell me I’m stupid. Tell me I’ll lose. ” “ Show me that you’ll walk away! ” “ But you can’t. ”

SEASON FOUR.

“ Alright, everybody in the car. ” “ Can I be in the front? ” “ So, how far away is Six Flags? ” “ We’re not going to Six Flags. We’re going on a hit. ” “ That’s... strange. I could have sworn we were going to Six Flags, considering I’m already in the car, and we’re going to Six Flags. ” “ If I were a target, where would I hide? ” “ Block off all the exits! Now! ” “ I’ve got the net! ” “ Finally! I can return! ” “ So you’re telling me, if I scream once, I’m dead. ” “ Well, I am a doctor, after all. ” “ That doesn’t answer my question. ” “ Come on. This is America. You can’t just point a gun at someone. ” “ The doc says if I blow a gasket, I kick the bucket. So today, you’re not gonna piss me off. ” “ Call off the whole fucking funeral. ” “ Undertale is a shitty game. ” “ Excuse me. Move. ” “ The town’s not in the budget. ” “ You can’t spell wall without balls. ” “ That sounds expensive. ” “ No. Nevermind. Refund. Discount. ” “ I like to make it the gay way. ” “ Whaddya think? ” “ Where’s my money. ” “ Do I owe you something? ” “ Look, I’ve had a rough day. I’m not looking for trouble. ” “ You know it’s illegal to feet exotic birds. ” “ There’s no way you could possibly know that. ” “ Dear diary: today I have decided to stop wasting my time with habits that just are fucking dumb. ” “ Undertale is a great game. ” “ I don’t have your money! Now get the fuck-- ” “ Do you know why I hate Undertale? Because it’s the best game ever made. ” “ The graphics look like they were drawn by a four-year-old, with the talents of Pablo Picasso in his prime. Which is what I would have said, if I liked the graphics. Which I do. Not. ” “ It’s so quiet. ” “ And I’ll be right here, at ground zero. ” “ Um, excuse me? ” “ The prodigal son... of a bitch, returns! ” “ What the hell is your problem? ” “ I wanna kill you on the principle of that stupid-ass question alone! ” “ I don’t even know who you are! ” “ I’m sorry, but there’s an irony to be appreciated here. I know it’ll be lost on you, but... would you believe you’re not the only one who wants me dead? ” “ The next time I show up will be the last. ” “ If they’re anywhere here, and you haven’t told me, I will drag this world into the depths. ” “ You’ve wanted me dead since the beginning. ” “ Die. ” “ I’m kinda sleepy. ” “ I’m kinda pissed. Probably don’t have to tell you why, either. ” “ I’ll even put on some music for ya. ” “ Oh my god, are they snoring? What the fuck is that sound? ” “ I was having a dream about this girl with really big thighs. ” “ You are so full of shit. ” “ No, I mean it! What kind of lying scumbag-- ” “ What a wonderful day to experience an unabashedly horrifying piece of ribbon. ” “ You know what? I’m gonna turn lemon into lemonade, here. I’m going to go to the mall, and buy a purse. And then I’ll fill that purse with a copper brick, and use it to beat the ever-loving shit out of you! ” “ Don’t worry, I can fix this. Which is what I would have said if I knew how. ” “ You don’t work here! I fired you a year ago! ” “ You’re fired again. ” “ I know what I want, and I know what I deserve. ” “ I don’t know what a Gamecube is. ” “ Look, these three words are non-negotiable: Super. Monkey. Ball. ” “ I am from America. ” “ That sounds like a load of shit, I don’t really believe you. ” “ Don’t tell anyone what you saw. ”

SEASON FIVE.

“ Boy, am I hungry. ” “ My greatest wish is for you to be castrated by a scorpion. ” “ Who the hell’s throwing lamps out here?! ” “ I’ll do a tap dance on your ribcage! ” “ I love this. ” “ What a beautiful day! ” “ You gotta catch that cab! ” “ With this horse? My horse? That’s a horse. ” “ It seems like you thought I was asking for a second opinion. ” “ That’s a frisbee. ” “ That’s what I thought. ” “ I would rather die at the hands of a frisbee than chase after whatever Crazy Taxi it is you want me to go get. ” “ I’m calling your bluff, asshole. ” “ There’s still time! Let’s go! ” “ You wanna know so bad? The baby stole my gun. Okay? ” “ Shut the hell up. ” “ What a wonderful day to travel back in time. ” “ That’s a mug. ” “ Why do you care about a mug? ” “ Wait! I can save everyone! ” “ I’m not playing with you! ” “ What the hell is that thing. ” “ You’re frightening the dog. ” “ What is it? ” “ It’s a date. ” “ Wow! Our first date! ” “ Why are you wearing a blindfold? ” “ So... what do you like best about me? ” “ I really admire your dedication. ” “ It is pretty funny, isn’t it? ” “ I’m breaking up with you. Get out. ” “ ... Surpriiiise. ” “ This is a rescue operation. ” “ Who else is gay? ” “ I have... two... two mushrooms. So I’m doing pretty good over here. ” “ I’m gonna blow you away. ” “ Who is this? ” “ So that means you’re the villain. ” “ If you swear allegiance to my cause, this pepperoni pizza is all yours. ” “ Look at you. All high and mighty. Big man on campus. ” “ You need to leave, I’m doing something very serious-- ” “ Like I give a shit what your name is! You are nothing. ” “ Excuse me! The men are talking. ” “ It’s finally mine! ” “ Get out here, come on, we’re on a schedule here-- ” “ I’m looking for a man between two and three hundred pounds. A man with most of his teeth, or all of them. ” “ How could that possibly help me? ” “ Oh shit. Okay, somebody call an ambulance. ” “ If you want to be ruled by someone you hate, give them this piece. If you want to be ruled by someone who hates you, don’t. ” “ I’ve decided, since you’ve kept bothering me all this time, I’ll give you that slice of pizza. ” “ You know damn well what I want. ” “ Where the hell are we? ” “ Well, I can tell you where we’re not. ” “ What have you DONE?! ” “ No bullets? ” “ I fucking knew it. ” “ You. Should not. Have done this. ” “ Looks like you’re just gonna have to kill me. ” “ So you know where you are? ” “ You don’t belong here. ” “ Okay, so you don’t know where you are. ” “ I made here! I made these people! The only person who doesn’t belong here is you! ” “ I’ll prove it. ” “ The power that was once upon you is no longer yours. ” “ This existence doesn’t need you anymore. But ours does. ” “ Just because you lost someone doesn’t mean everyone else has to! ” “ That’s enough. ” “ Get 'em outta here! ” “ Did you just SAVE everyone?! ” “ I’ll race you there! ”

KHONJIN.

“ What a wonderful day to be at the sun. ” “ After all these years, it’s finally time for your return-- ” “ I’m getting the psychic vision! ” “ You also have the gift? ” “ How much do you know? ” “ How easily we forget: I’m a psychic. ” “ Perhaps we can work out some sort of deal-- ” “ You didn’t tell me the crab crab was a crab! ” “ Alright. You asked for this. ” “ It’s just like they say: life’s a beach, and I’m the dune who can’t sand to watch our crustacean comrades go unprotected by the long beach island arm of the claw. ” “ I’m going to die. ” “ I’m going to need to examine that bag. ” “ Man! You sure do complain a lot! But you’re never wrong! ” “ I hate it! I really hate it! ” “ And that’s basically my commercial idea. ” “ You degenerate ape-- ” “ Dear pesky plumbers, if you enter EVO, you will win ten billion dollars?! ” “ Who are you? ” “ Wait a second, EVO is basketball? ” “ Have you ever seen moves like this?! ” “ I’ll be declared guilty of being a total slow-mo. ” “ Holy shit! ” “ What am I supposed to do now?! A man with something to prove has just lost... ” “ Hi, I’d like to be the bad cop? ” “ You really saved my skin there. ” “ I see myself in you, is what I’m trying to say. ” “ Coast is clear, buddy. ” “ Officers, come on, it’s just a prank! ” “ God, this sucks. ” “ How did you end up in here?! ” “ I’d give your money back, but I spent it on this frisbee. ” “ Man... someone’s gonna have to pick up that body. ” “ We could just travel back in time. ” “ I thought you’d never ask! ” “ Gentlemen, the heist is simple. ” “ Just say yes, you dipshit. ” “ We needed Kool-Aid, and this is a three man operation. ” “ So shut your ass up, and get in gear. ” “ I’m dead, you see. ” “ If your dad believes in himself, isn’t that all that matters? ”  “ So, uh, what’s your favourite dinosaur? ”

[reginaldbelchhuggins-blog]

The Short and Miserable Romance of Victor Criss

Chapter 6: Last Meeting

Pairings: Henry x Victor, with some side Butch x Mrs Criss Rating: M Warnings: Domestic abuse, noncon elements, major character death, canon-standard content, bullying, racist slurs, violence, strong language Chapters: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], 6, [7]

Ao3: [x] Summary: The end...

July 1989

“Get the fuck up and talk to Burp!” Victor didn’t open his eyes, moaning in protest when he felt the warm, cozy blanket disappear. Ice cold air conditioning stung against his skin, and forced him to curl up, his legs breaking out in gooseflesh. “I am tired of him calling!”

Not content with just stealing his comforter, his Mama grabbed the corners of his pillow, and pulled hard. His head struck against the lumpy mattress, jolting him wide awake. He rolled to try and grab it, but it was already too far out of reach.

Mama’s face was an emotionless mask – her eyes permanently fixed in a droopy, tired gaze. But Victor knew it was hiding a sadness that had been wrapped up inside bitterness and buried so deep, it was practically Mumm-Ra. He knew it had been his actions that had summoned the Ancient Spirits of Evil to create those feelings, and he was sorry, but his one attempt to apologize had been thwarted by Butch. Butch stood in the hallway with his back turned, telling Mama that some boys needed stronger discipline.

“Andy always was too soft,” Butch said, ominously. “Spare the rod, spoil the lamb, as the good Lord commanded.”

Victor hadn’t quite drawn up the strength to try again.

His Mama walked out the door, bedding in her arms, and Victor was glad to see her go. He glanced around the room. It was empty, but he still felt his skin crawling – leftover feelings from his nightmare. He wished he could pull his blanket in tight, and roll his face into his pillow. But it was time to wake up, apparently. Then again, maybe, if he turned just right, he could sleep without them.

After a few moments of mental debate, Victor rolled out of bed. The walk down the hall was slow, due in part to the swollen knee that Bill Denbrough left him with. In his ninja turtle boxers, he could very clearly see the yellow and purple decorating the skin around it. It was like someone had dipped his knee in watercolor, like an Easter egg. At least it wasn’t black anymore, or bleeding.

The other part was due to the headache throbbing away on the right side of his face. That, too, was because of a well-aimed rock. But while the swelling around the gash had lessened, the pain beneath it grew, and shifted, until every flash of light made him want to vomit.

When he turned the corner into the kitchen, he winced as the sunlight struck him dead on from the window. His Mama turned to look at him, and then gestured to the counter, where she had set the phone down. Without a word to him, she went back to making herself, and only herself, lunch.

Vic wasn’t hungry anyway.

“Hey Belch,” Victor said as soon as the phone was to his ear. He pressed his fingers into his head and turned away from the window. It soothed it a little, but the headache was persistent.

Henry’s voice came through the line on the other side, aggravating it even more, “Hey asshole, why are you avoiding me?”

“Megatron,” Victor said, pinching the bridge of his nose.  He was not in the mood to deal with this.

“That doesn’t work on conversations,” Henry stated, sounding more than a little annoyed. “Now, answer the question. Why. Are you. Avoiding me?”

“Fuck off, Henry. I’m not feeling well,” Victor lied. Well, only half lied. “I have a concussion, remember? Doctor says take it easy.”

“It’s been a week—”

“You know more than my doctor, do you?” Victor asked. He tried to keep the bitterness from his voice, but it crept out all the same.

“No, but I know you were feeling good enough to go to the movies with Peter Gordon last night,” Henry said. “He was getting awful chummy from what I saw.”

Victor’s nose flared as he took a deep breath, and suffocated that anger before it could break out and get him in trouble.

“What, you wanna say something about that?” Victor paused for a moment, wanting to say more, but his Mama was still within five feet. So instead, he said, “Marcia accused him of cheating, which is a bitch thing to do because Peter’s head over heels for her skanky ass. So we went out to get his mind off it.”

Victor paused again as his Mama passed. She carried a small thing of soup and a diet coke into the living room, where she was watching her Dallas VHS tapes. Lowering his voice, Victor added: “You know his girl, right? Marcia Fadden? She had a pregnancy scare last Christmas? Didn’t know whether it would be you or Peter was going to stand at the end of her daddy’s shotgun on her wedding day. Funny thing is, weren’t you seeing someone else around that time?”

“I didn’t…” Henry sighed. It was deep, and weighted. Victor could almost see Henry on the other end of the line, clutching the phone as he curled over it. It was the same way Henrietta had stood when talking on the phone. “Vic, I never had sex with her, or any of them.”

That was genuinely surprising. The tables flipped for a moment, Victor wasn’t sure if he believed Henry. Instead of looking at that deeper, he shook it off.

“Look, whatever, alright. I don’t care,” Victor said. “I’m just taking a breather. The last two times we hung out, we got hurt. So unless we’re talking Dairy Queen and a new Nintendo game, I’m out.”

Victor didn’t need to mention that Henry had promised they’d talk last time. It had been the selling point of his pitch, even.

“I’ll explain everything,” Henry had said, his tongue dripping silver and honey. But if it wasn’t Belch hovering around like he was the mother hen making sure his idiot chicks didn’t hurt themselves, it was Henry shutting down whenever Victor even started talking about it. His eyes would fall to the ground, his hands between his knees, and his mouth stubbornly silent until a distraction came along.

Trying to spell out his fear, and his needs, without accusing Henry of anything directly was trickier than anything Victor had ever done. But it was impossible when Henry refused to listen. So Victor resorted to the age old tradition amongst Criss men, which was avoiding the problem. He was a little young to drop a paycheck on some whiskey – and maybe he would’ve never done that anyway – so instead, it was kitten-napping.

That’s what Mrs Huggins called it when someone had a series of proper hour to two-hour long naps sandwiching a large snack – kitten-napping.

They couldn’t carry on as they were. Victor’s heart couldn’t take it. He loved Henry – loved him. But he also hated Henry so much more than he ever hated anyone in his life. Because Henry knew him better than anyone else on the planet, and still had the audacity to peg him for something he would never do.

“You weren’t exactly complaining,” Henry said, with a dangerous tone. “I mean, ain’t you the one that crushed that little Pickaninny’s fingers with your boot?”

That was true, and Victor regretted it. He regretted it long before Bill Denbrough and five other kids showed up armed to the teeth with large, jagged rocks. Victor regretted it the minute he got out of the car. By the time he actually put hands on the Hanlon boy, his mind had detached itself, and his emotions had become a void.

But once he was in it, he was in it. It was as always – every kick, every thrown rock, each one represented something he wanted to scream.

The rock that smacked Trashmouth between the eyes was Andy Criss leaving for Bangor after dragging his family to live some poor ass hick life on a farm. The one that hit Tits on the chest was stupid Henry, and stupid Henry’s stupid paranoia. The one that got Eddie was Butch Bowers playing with his hair, like a fucking creepazoid pervert.

Victor was almost feeling better when Bill Denbrough locked eyes with him. He knew it was over then, but he went down swinging. He got Bill so many times before that final blow took out his knee and Vic was out of the game. Even worse than the pain, though, was watching the kid let blow after blow fall off him, like he didn’t even feel it.

If you had told Vic a week ago that he’d be frightened of Stuttering Bill, he would’ve laughed. But that kid was the terminator, and Victor neverwanted to fuck with him again.

“That was him,” Victor finally said. “I said we got hurt. I got a concussion, man. Patrick’s dead. You couldn’t even stand up for like an hour. So how about I stay home today, okay?”

There was silence as both boys waited for the other to say something. Almost too quietly, Henry started filling it with what took Victor a moment to realize was song lyrics.

“Maybe I didn’t love you quite as often as I could,” he said, his voice tender. “And maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should. If I made you feel second best, Vic I’m sorry I was blind. But you are always on my mind.”

Victor had to cover his face, physically trying to keep the smile from breaking out. It was such a stupid little thing, but it was everything. To hear him say things like that, even borrowed from someone else, it created that glow beneath Victor’s skin, warming his cheeks into a red splotchy blush. He didn’t want to let go of his anger, but it was slipping.

“Pretty ballsy using Elvis to try and apologize,” Victor commented. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure his Mama still wasn’t listening. She wasn’t. She couldn’t care less. “Wasn’t he the one who said ‘we can’t go on together with suspicious minds?’”

“Shut up. And I wasn’t quoting Elvis, that’s the Pet Shop Boys… isn’t it?” Henry asked. The smile on Victor’s face couldn’t have gotten any larger. He bit into his bottom lip to keep a laugh from escaping. Henry chuckled a little himself; it was low and throaty, and tickled Victor’s ear pleasantly. He felt himself leaning towards Henry’s charm, the trap closing in around him. He could almost feel the teeth of it digging right into his heart.

It was the same as last time, and Victor was aware of this. He still couldn’t stop it happening.

“It was Elvis first,” Victor said, the smile creeping into his voice. He twirled the phone cord around his finger, listening as Henry took several deep breaths, preparing for some kind of speech. Vic expected something cheesy, maybe something trashy. He didn’t expect anything close to what came next.

“Look, I don’t have a… suspicious mind,” Henry started, his words chosen carefully. “I know you aren’t like that. But Patrick…” Henry was speaking slowly, as he did when he didn’t want to say what he was about to. It immediately drew all of Victor’s attention. “He’s smarter than me. He dresses better. He has better hair, and all his teeth… and he wouldn’t ask you do weird shit during… you know…”

The silence was thick. The phone cord uncurled and fell free of Vic’s hands. He heard Henry sniffling, like he’d been crying. “Henry—”

“And I was afraid that you were getting tired of my shit,” Henry said, his voice cracking. “I know now it was a stupid thing to say. I wasn’t thinking when I said it. I was just scared because I’ve got nothing to give you.”

Victor knew he should’ve been angry still. After all, Henry wasn’t really saying anything different. The accusation was still there, only the narrative around it changed. But at the same time, hearing it in those words, Victor found some feelings of guilt surfacing.

Sure, he’d spent years soothing away all the shit Butch put in Henry, things like feeling stupid, or weak, or cruel. But who put it in his head that he was a bad boyfriend? Or that he, Henry fucking Bowers, whose hair was soft hay and skin was the sun itself, whose eyes were painted by the Gods, was anything less than desirable?

Victor would trade owning the world with anyone else for one private moment with Henry, and the idea that he had failed to somehow make that clear was both horrifying and heart-wrenching.

“I’m pretty sure Patrick was into weirder shit than hair pulling, first of all,” Victor said. Henry laughed, but the sound of it made Victor certain that Henry had been crying. “Second, I don’t want anything from you but you, and that’s something nobody else can ever give me.”

Mama was still not paying attention. Victor did a quick check when he realized what he said. On Henry’s line, he could hear noise in the background as someone moved around. Henry’s voice changed immediately, becoming louder, colder, “Anyway, my dad left his gun with me and he won’t be back until late. It’s just me, Belch, and some cold beers. Come on and let’s destroy some shit.”

Victor rubbed at his dull headache, knowing that loud noises were only going to make it worse. But the siren song of unsupervised target practice was hard to ignore by itself, let alone in the shadow of what Henry said. It dulled the warning bells telling Vic not to fall for it again.

Before he could say anything, Henry already knew his decision. He heard Henry’s hand close over the mouthpiece as he whispered very clearly to Belch, “he’s gonna say yes. Go! Now!”

“Tell him not to wait outside,” Belch said. He sounded far too excited, and Vic’s resolve was gone. He could practically see Belch’s face, all bright and happy, like a puppy waiting for his master to come home. It was that final thing needed to seal his fate. The trap closed completely, and Victor was a dead man walking.

“Alright,” Victor said, knowing he’d regret it later. “I’ll be there shortly.”

“Cool,” Henry said. “Belch will come get you.” Then, taking Vic completely by surprise: “I love you.”

The line went dead. Once the phone was back on the cradle, Victor walked back to his room to get dressed. He had to take a moment to lean against the door, his heart coming alive.

You’re such a fucking idiot, his brain supplied. Victor didn’t disagree. Still, he threw on that sleeveless shirt Henry liked, and fixed his hair.

His emotions were a roller coaster – soaring high when he remembered how it sounded to hear Henry say he loved him – and falling low when he thought of how many times he had overlooked some important clue to Henry’s insecurities.

When he heard Amy, Vic decided not to think about it, but just to continue forward with a better understanding of things.

He tried to say goodbye as he walked by his Mama for the last time, but she barely even looked up at him. She would remember it later – his little wave and quiet bye, mama. The way his face was young, and full of hope. It would be about the only thing she remembered, for as soon as the door was closed, she pulled out the vodka and rum Vic had brought her nearly a year ago.

She would still be sitting there, drunk and crying, when she got the call later from Officer Conley.

~~~

There was a power in holding a gun that just couldn’t be matched with anything else in the world. Not fucking someone so hard they forgot how to be human; not getting off a good comeback and shattering someone’s ego; not diving off a cliff or screaming at tornadoes. Being on the right side of a firearm felt like what Victor imagined He-Man felt like as he thrust the Power Sword to the sky.

For those few seconds before you pulled that trigger, you were immortal.

He couldn’t imagine being on the wrong side of one. Staring into an endless dark barrel, knowing that death was one quick burst away, could make a man crumble – not a man made of paper, as Butch so eloquently put it, but even the ones made of stone and steel and leather. It made men who hated life remember what was worth living for, and it could make men who lived it to the fullest realize that they just want it all to end.

But Butch wasn’t God, and he wasn’t Superman. He might’ve felt like it when he held up that gun, the same as Victor had. But he was the paper man, not Henry. He was a paper man with a powerful toy, and he needed to prove something to someone, though Victor didn’t know who. Maybe it was himself.

Regardless, he casually aimed that gun, and then he pulled the trigger.

Don’t show him you’re afraid…

As Vic leaned back and tried to block the light with his bangs, his headache having taken over the back side of his head completely, he glanced over to where Henry had been sitting. The older boy was no longer there, but was coming down the driveway. Victor hadn’t seen him move, but judging by the stiff way he was walking, he still hadn’t quite recovered.

They’d all been sure Butch was going to actually hit Henry – none more than the target himself. But instead of Henry’s chest, it was the ground at his feet that exploded. Three shots, each one getting closer and closer to Henry’s boot, until one left a scuff mark, and a dark, dampness spread across Henry’s lap.

Victor watched Henry shuffle past them, heading towards his house. Victor started to walk towards him, but Henry just gave him a look, silently commanding Victor to stay put. He stood outside on his porch for a few moments, and then disappeared behind the front door. Victor did not follow, but he didn’t like it.

“Maybe he’s just getting some clean pants,” Belch said, his voice dropping into a whisper. “Look, when he comes back, let’s just go straight to ma’s house. My mom can take in my old clothes to fit him, and we can figure out the sleeping arrangements later, but the basement ain’t that cold right now. It ain’t the best solution, but there won’t be no fuckin’ crazies tryin’ to put holes in him neither.”

“Butch knows that trick now,” Vic said, crossing his arms. He rolled a rock around with the toe of his boot, thinking. “What if we just… kept driving? How long you think before we reach Canada?”

“I can’t leave my mom. I’m the only one she’s got,” he said. Vic turned around, closed his eyes, and pressed his forehead against Amy’s roof. All he needed was one good idea— “What the fuck?”

Victor looked up at his friend. Belch was slowly leaning away from Amy, his fists clenching. Vic spun around to see whatever it was, preparing to punch someone.

Henry was back on the porch, the screen door slamming shut behind him. He turned to face them, slow, stiff, like he was thinking. Vic’s eyes fixated on the red spots on Henry’s face, watching as they slowly ran down his face, becoming red streaks. As soon as Vic realized that it was blood decorating his boyfriend, the panic was immediate.

“Vic, no…”

He forgot Belch was even there as he moved towards Henry, a singular train of thought taking over the whole station: Henry’s hurt.

He was going to cup Henry’s face, push back his hair, and find out where the wounds were – find out how to fix them. Vic didn’t see the knife in Henry’s hand, at first. Belch did, but he might as well have been shouting at a wall, because Vic didn’t hear him over the sound of his own anger rising. Just as soon as he realized what Henry’s intentions were, it was already done. The blade moved left to right, leaving a red smile in its wake.

Victor felt nothing worse than the prick of a mosquito bite. It was the heat in his throat as he desperately tried to pull another breath through it that told him something was wrong.

Belch was screaming, but it was far away. Blood crept between Vic’s fingers as he tried to push it back in. He felt it moving through his throat, rushing to the newly created opening, trying to escape. It flew out of his mouth as he choked on it, speckling Henry’s face even worse than before.

Victor stepped away from Henry, landing on his hurt leg wrong. His knee buckled, and his ankle twisted. His headache was screaming when his skull collided with firm soil, but then numbed itself to nothing. Lying there face down in the warm grass, it occurred to Victor that he was dying, and it had been Henry that killed him.

It just didn’t feel real. His body was working a wonderful magic, trying to lull him to sleep. Everything felt dull, and dreamlike. Even Butch looked like some child’s nightmarish take on himself. His skin sallow and eyes sunken, looking more Frankenstein than police officer, with orange pom poms instead of buttons on his uniform. If Victor could’ve felt anything, he might’ve felt fear. But even that was lost.

“That Hank. Always did like putting his little sword in the throats of pretty boys. Just like his old man,” Butch said, his voice sounding off with its playful tone. He crept closer, moving in large, slow jerks. “I know what you think about me, you disgusting, dirty little thing. You tease and taunt, but you always run away. Now you can’t run, can you?”

He smiled a hideous grin, teeth as sharp as a shark’s beneath the layers of rot. Victor’s scream was as much blood as it was air. The Butchenstein would’ve lunged for him if Belch hadn’t hit the ground between them, Henry following after. Vic realized that he had to have tripped over Victor’s body, but he didn’t feel anything at all.

Henry threw a punch, and Belch caught it, and then twisted Henry’s wrist. Henry let out a feral cry, and brought his other hand down. There was an odd squelch – the same sound a cantaloupe made when being cut open. When his hand came back up, it was covered in blood, the glint of the knife barely visible beneath it. Henry was bringing his knife down again, and again, and again, but Victor could only hear it.

His eyes were fixed on Butch, who was leaning over him, pulling his hands away from his neck.

“Now it’s my turn to eat you, pretty boy.”

But the world had already turned a bright white for a few seconds, and then, it went black.

[trickormemes]

Elijah & Christine sentence starters

195 starters feel free to change gender pronouns content warning: alcohol mention, cussing, drug mention, sexual themes, violence

"I'll fucking kill you, you hear me?! I'll fucking kill you!"

"I just woke up and realized that I got fucking bit by a brown fucking recluse spider, which is my literal biggest fear."

"I actually feel like I'm on the set of Glee right now."

"You're gonna get bullied. Or do the bullying, I don't know..."

"Someone's gonna jerk off to this."

"No, we have to go. No. Come on."

"I don't have a tongue."

"Yeah, I'm pretty gay."

"What if someone's window was down at a stop sign and I screamed at the top of my lungs "Help! Help me, they're trying to kill me!"? What would they do? How would they react?"

"I got my test results back! I'm gay!"

"I peed my pants at the movie theater when we saw the last Lord of the Rings movie because I drank an extra large Mr. Pibb, and it was like a four hour movie, and I didn't wanna miss it so I just peed my pants and I was literally, like... I was like ten years old."

"This should not be on the internet."

"That is a furry butt plug."

"Do you know where vaginas are?"

"Just eat the lube."

"We're not making a fucking sex tape."

"He just called me ugly."

"You are gonna have the cock of a life time."

"I went to the bathroom because I had to poop, but I was pooping so hard I started sweating and I had to get my makeup redone."

"I broke it."

"What is that on your shirt?"

"I feel like Hannah Montana in the beginning of the Hannah Montana Movie where she has to drive the golf cart into the backstage of the stadium to get to hair and makeup on time."

"Finger me with those!"

"_____! Wake the fuck up, you're at a party!"

"Honey, I'm going to fucking Willy Wonka's goddamn chocolate factory!"

"See, bitch? What the fuck I tell you? Willy goddamn Wonka."

"Tell me why it's five o'clock in the morning and you have a fucking tomato on your bed."

"Why do you have hot dogs in your fucking backpack?"

"Look at that little mannequin. Why is he standing like that?"

"I got this pretty sick disappearing act. You wanna see it?"

"What's your social security number?"

"That's not an air horn, that's hair spray."

"Listen, I was told to be a YouTuber all I needed was some fucking Orbeez and a hot knife."

"I post new videos every day because I have no goddamn life."

"You're fucking cleaning these up!"

"I'm gonna throw up my slushie."

"I always knew since the day I was born I was meant to be a goblin."

"A small child just kicked my leg. Not even joking."

"You look like you might get kicked out of a Christian Halloween party."

"I like my women like I like my forks. In my mouth."

"You lost already."

"You walked a whole block and didn't fall over. Good job."

"Eat the booty like groceries."

"You need to go because you don't fucking live here."

"I hope you both fucking fall."

"I'M LEAKIIIINNGG!!!"

"You look like you're fucking dying."

"I got your beef and broccoli right here, baby."

"I feel like I'm in clay-mation. I feel my whole life is in stop-motion. I'm Coraline."

"Yeah, and by 'yeah' I mean 'fuck no.'"

"Get your witch fingers off me."

"You look like Kesha in 2009."

"Nobody here fucking knows you."

"I know in my heart that it isn't true, but it still hurts my feelings."

"_____ just got a Nintendo Switch, uh, so she just... hasn't said a word for the past 48 hours."

"This is some complicated Lego action. There's two fucking booklets."

"Would you fuck like a real—like a life-size Lego person?"

"I would fuck Lego Chris Pratt. I would fuck human Chris Pratt. I would fuck Chris Pratt's horse. I said horse, I meant corpse."

"Not everything is gay fanfiction, _____."

"It's spicy. It got in my eye."

"Oh my god, it's a Valentine's Day card from my grandpa... And he gave me ten dollars!"

"Get up. We're going out to dinner."

"_____, you are the most disgusting person I know, and I just wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

*rapping* "Rain drop, drop top, he just proposed with a Ring Pop."

"Okay, can you not be... so cute?"

"Why are you smoking weed on the fucking toilet?"

"Bitch, you know this isn't your house, right?"

"I wanna bake fucking weed brownies in an EZ Bake oven, so we're going into Walmart to get an EZ Bake oven."

"A solid substance is definitely not a good substitute for liquid."

"I don't know how to park this fucking car."

"How do you smell like Home Town Pride? What would my— My hometown would smell like stale beer and, like, Cheetos."

"Look, they make personalized candles. Smells like divorce."

"Even I don't know why I did that."

"_____, I'm literally gonna shit myself."

"I know you can't drink anymore. You've had too many shots."

"Oh, I fucking hate you! You bitch! Fuck you!"

"This is so easy. Why do you complain about it? It's not a hard job."

"God is a woman."

"Which side are you trying to fucking get on? Which one?"

"Why the fuck would we smoke weed out of a watermelon?"

"I just made a fucking Pringle bong, bitch."

"I feel like I'm being probed by aliens."

"Do whatever you want to me."

"Make it ten dollars next time, bitch."

"I am shooketh."

"I licked it. I got a little taste."

"It's a fucking cake. Stop calling it brownies."

"Honey, my life's Hell on Earth."

"It's not that fucking deep, it's a video game."

"Why the fuck do you look like a Miami coke-dealer dad right now?"

"Man, I feel like I'm in, like, Sex and the City right now. Like an episode of Girls right now. Like I'm in an episode of, like, Broad City."

"I'm giving _____ 'fuck me' eyes."

"Don't change the song, you're not the fucking DJ. What are you putting on?"

"Why do you know the whole dance?"

"If I croak, you can have my eye balls."

"I'm drunk as shit."

"It's been two hours of this shit. Can you guys just fucking stop?"

"We said we weren't gonna drink tonight, and now we're drunk on these stairs."

"YOU'RE FUCKING TOASTING PIZZA?!"

"You get points on the creativity, but you fucking lost on the execution, BITCH!"

"Get in the fucking car."

"_____, we've been driving for six fucking hours. Where are we going?"

"Quit being such a little bitch."

"I'm filming this. This is a horrible film."

"My drag name is Goblin Breath."

"I bit my swimming instructor in the face."

"Why would I have to be drunk to do that?"

"I feel like three-years-old is a little too old to be biting people in the face."

"That is the most 'you' sentence I have ever heard come out of your mouth."

"COME ON, DRINK UP, BITCH!"

"You're ten shots in already? This is gonna be a fucking disaster."

"I full-on peed my pants."

"_____, the smile you got when you thought you answered that right was pretty amazing."

"How my ass taste, bitch?"

"_____, I don't think you can put a dildo on top of Christmas tree. It's really weird."

"Okay, I'm not sure if it's historically accurate, but I'm pretty sure Jesus would puke too."

"If you fuck this up, I will JFK you."

"Why am I fucking trusting you to do this?"

"I'm still drunk, but today's another day, you know?"

"Can you hold it together for two fucking minutes?"

"I can't hold it together for three fucking seconds."

"Sorry you're low-key ugly."

"Hey, baby girl, you high as fuck."

"Someone's gonna Photoshop a dick in your mouth. And now I just solidified that by saying it."

"This looks like the beginning of a CSI episode where, like, a crazy cat lady gets murdered."

"Didn't I tell you you're not allowed to talk on our vlogs unless your shirt's off?"

"I'll fuck your belly button."

"Why are you still here? You have your own house."

"Honestly, these little dick candies aren't that fucking bad."

"My mom is disappointed in me."

"I got a gingerbread house."

"Aggressive, max. size twelve-inch—sounds good!"

"Your math probably isn't off, but like, your morals are."

"Oh look, another sad kid in a black hoodie."

"I built a little ball pit to smoke weed in."

"I'm the Rachel Ray of alien egg-laying dildos."

"Are you using a marker to stir it? There's literally spoons over there."

"Let's keep it PG, please."

"If you spit in my mouth I will murder your family. I will murder your entire family. I will gut you and feed you to the birds."

"Okay, the three things I hate: heights, small spaces, and you."

"Why are you the adult Honey Boo Boo child?"

"Do I need this? No. Do I want it? ...Also no."

"You better stop it, you're gonna give me a little chub."

"This is why people think we're dating all the time."

"This is supposed to be bottomless mimosas. I can clearly... I can cleary see the bottom."

"If I don't get married in the next five minutes I will riot."

"This is the most action I've gotten in years."

"Already spilled... literally ten seconds into my meal. Awesome."

"I don't even know what I said. I don't know what I'm saying right now."

"That ruined my life."

"The taste is good, the texture is like eating your grandpa's ballsack."

"The world would be a better place if everybody just pissed their pants."

"I'm not even gonna try because I know the answer's no."

"I mean, I'm seeing it right now and I'm underwhelmed."

"You're a walking fucking disaster."

"Take a bite. Get ready to have your world rocked."

"I HOPE YOU BREAK UP!"

"You look like a fucking glazed donut, honey."

"Ew, ew, oh my god, there's children, ew!" *gags*

"Not the first time I've ruined a party because I was naked and screaming."

"That used to be a [insert restaurant name] and I almost fought a girl in the parking lot once. But she didn't show up."

"Oh my god, that's dark. Why did you laugh?"

"This show's not for free, honey."

"Why is your brain full of so much useless information?"

"Why did you just call Mr. Krabs by his first name?"

"It tastes like a Starbust for your dick."

"No one wants to fuck you. Sorry."

“Like the most basic law of human nature. Everyone knows that... bagels are straight.”

“Recreate the Friends intro right now.”

“GO! YES! BITCH! GET IT!”

“I got this soda from a gas station-truck stop, and apparently it’s soda that makes you horny.”

“I need two pasties for one nipple because my nipples are so big. Like, this big. They’re, like, not pepperonis, they’re like salamis.”

“I’m, like, livid. I cannot believe you don’t have a phone case right now. What is wrong with you?”

“The horny soda! I’m horny now!”

“I feel like I’m in a romantic comedy.”

“We’re gonna fucking die out here. It’s like The Hills Have Eyes.”

“We’re stranded in the desert... Well, at least we’re together.”

“At least friendship doesn’t overheat.”

“My conditioner opened in my backpack and now it looks like there’s cum on all my clothes.”

“Trying to get laid is so fucking annoying.”

“See, if you get an Audi and you drive it off the lot, it depreciates immediately. Chanel doesn’t depreciate. I can sell this in ten years.”

“I’m having a quarter-life crisis.”

“Why am I out of breath?”

“How do you fit two penises in one hole?”

“You were just crawling naked on the ground. Why would you do that?”

“It’s 7:30 in the fucking morning. Go back to sleep.”

“Does it hurt for water to become ice? You’re changing your molecular composition. Like... you’re probably gonna experience some discomfort.”

“Are you gonna cry now? What is going on?”

“I have not looked this shitty in so long.”

“I feel like I got hit by a fucking bus.”

“Run ‘em over.”

“Why are there ghosts in my fucking apartment?”

“If I wanna sit on the grass and feel the uneasy presence of ghosts, I would just go to my grandma’s house.”

“I’m like a surprisingly good cook for somebody whose method of cooking is just putting everything in a pan and hoping for the best, but it works out, like, nine out of ten times.”

“I flake on people, I’m sorry. I’m also a bad texter.”