#also part of me wonders if i'm maybe just being melodramatic

[thekittenkait]

i am having a bad day

[findafight]

Not me writing a prologue for a fic I'll maybe never write about Steve being on the Dream Team lmao. I saw a pro basketball player Steve post a while ago and couldn't stop thinking about it. Anyways-

At the end of March Madness in 1989, the scout for the Pacers has lunch with the head coach of a community college basketball team that somehow made it to the first round before being pulverized. They sit across from each other, the coach seemingly a bit overwhelmed but not outright surprised. That's good, it means Jerry, the scout, doesn't have to worry about him freaking out or babbling too much.

The team captain had caught his, and possibly others', eye. Good layups, a few three pointers, solid defence, and a helluva lot of potential add up to someone to keep an eye on, except they can't because the guy plays for a rinky-dink community college and only had one televised game. The only reason Jerry saw the kid is because the Roane County Community College Ospreys had put in a hell of a fight the past three seasons. Jerry wonders why the hell the kid hadn't been offered a scholarship somewhere...not Roane County. Doesn't matter though, because they're here now.

"so. You wanted to talk about Steve?" Says the coach, August Nearaly, a bit weary.

Jerry nods, sipping his coffee. "Yeah. Wanted to get a sense of him before I actually talked to him."

August sighs. "As a player or as a person?"

Raising his eyebrows. "Is he that different off the court?"

"no! No, not like how you probably think. Harrington's a sweet kid, but also incredibly...well, not weird, but. Peculiar? He's got quirks. Bit paranoid, but not in a conspiracy way. In a 'no one should walk home alone in the dark' or 'hey, where'd John go? He was right here and then I did a headcount and he's not?' kinda way. Y'know? Like, they're all adults, but he does headcounts and worries anyways."

"huh. Oookay?"

"it-- I'm not saying this to rag on him, to be clear. It just too a while to get used to. Honestly, it's been good for team building. Makes them think of each other not as individuals, but part of a unit that needs everyone healthy and whole to work."

"that's good. He's a team player."

"oh yeah. It's not surprising, really. He's from Hawkins." August says the name like Jerry should know what that means. It's a town, sure, but other than that... Jerry's at a loss. Maybe something a few years ago about a fire? "He has most assists in Osprey history. Some of the guys joke that he's allergic to the ball."

"He's good on the court?"

"Jerry. I know you're here because you saw the March Madness game. You know he's good. He'd be even better if he could afford those fancy prescription goggles Horace Grant wears."

"seriously? Why not contacts?"

"don't make them for his prescription. You didn't see his interview? Kid's got thick horn rimmed glasses. Too many concussions apparently. God knows how he tells players apart when the jersey colours are similar."

"shit. That's why he was squinting the whole time? I thought he was just stressed."

He shrugged. "eh. Probably a bit of both. He takes it seriously, but not too seriously. Y'know? Half the guys were shitting themselves from nerves and Harrington stands up in the locker room, hands on his hips, and gives a speech worthy of the most melodramatic underdog sports movie."

Jerry laughs. "No shit."

Waving his hands, August nods. "no shit! He says all this stuff like 'we worked hard...we deserve this...we may not win but let's do our damn best. The worst that could happen is we lose, and that isn't the end of the world. So let's go out there and play some basketball!' or something, his was better, and the boys cheer. Then they put in fifty points to one-thirty."

Jerry winces. "Must have hurt, huh?"

August grins. "No way. One of the best games they ever played. You saw it. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't. They played their goddamn hearts out." He leans forward. "My boys don't have the same facilities as the big universities, or the funding to offer scholarships. They're at Roane Community because they want a degree or certificate but have other responsibilities. Parents or siblings to stay close to, jobs to work, people to take care of. They joined my team because they like playing basketball, loved the game and wanted to spend some of their precious time playing it. They put the work in on the court and off it. And we made it to the NCAA tournament because of it. We put in fifty points against the goddamn Michigan Wolverines! The champs! And they knew that. I've never heard of a locker room after an 80 point defeat so happy."

"seriously?"

It's all pride when Coach Nearaly says "yep. They may not be the best basketball players in college, but my god, they're probably the best team."

"because of Harrington?"

"partly. They all contribute, make sure they do things right. It's not a one man show, that's the point. They rally around him, but they all are part of the team, and know it. That's what Steve makes sure. Why I made him captain."

"So, you think he'd be a good pick for the Pacers?" This is, after all, a business meeting.

August nods, picks at his pancakes. "I'll be honest with you Jerry. You're not the first scout to talk to me about Steve."

"really? Who?"

"you know I won't say. But, between me and you, Steve's Indiana born and bred. His wife's planning on getting some lib Arts degree in Chicago or Indy, and your offer might be the deciding factor for them."

Jerry blinks. "He's married? At, what? Twenty-one?"

August nods. "Just turned twenty-two. High school sweethearts or something. Obsessed with each other." He chuckled, a bit ruefully. "I'm a bit jaded but damn. You mention her name? He lights up like the fuckin Fourth of July."

Jerry whistles. "Honeymoon phase gets us all."

"for almost two years? Nah. It's just love." It sounds a little wistful, coming from August. "Anyways. I dunno if the other team is serious about him, and if they are, they'll probably be disappointed. Kid isn't moving out of the Midwest. He's got family here, and is getting a goddamn elementary education degree. He won't uproot his life for a chance at the NBA. But, if you offer. Well. He'd at least seriously consider it."

Humming, Jerry chews his eggs as he thinks. "You think he'd be up for the lifestyle? The road games out numbering home ones?"

There's an air of seriousness when August levels Jerry with a look. "If he doesn't want to, he'll tell you. You gotta give him time to talk to his family though. This offer? It'll come out of left field for him, even if I give him a heads up. You get that, yeah? You want to recruit a kindergarten teacher to the NBA without any build up. He needs time to process that and then see where the people in his life are at with it."

"I guess it is unusual."

"try being the community college basketball coach getting two goddamn calls from NBA scouts. Thought I was hallucinating."

Jerry laughs, counts some bills for the tip. "Thank you. For your time and insights. Let Steve know I'll call tomorrow?"

"will do. He'll still probably drob the phone on you, though."

"as long as he doesn't hang up!"

[euphoriaslux]

hello!

hi everyone, so sorry i have been mia this month your girl had a wee bit of a depressive episode but you know what we're BACK! I'm going to get back to writing daily so i can feed you guys and stop focusing so much on perfection because ultimately i am writing smut about fictional characters who do not know who i am, why do i care so much!!

anywho, here's a little snippet of my part two for "two's a party" that will hopefully come out very soon :) this is mainly angst but there are three separate smut scenes in the whole fic because I'm sick in the mind. my vincent fic will also hopefully come out soon, i have had such trouble writing him for some reason so i think i need to rewatch aoaf and get an idea of his characterization again... ANYWAY enjoy this snippet and let me know if u guys have any requests :p

The sun has set, and you find yourself standing outside of the tennis courts. You passed by gaggles of students on their way to parties and bars, wearing tight clothes and big smiles with the scent of cheap liquor stuck them like a cloud. Hearing the sound of tennis balls clanging against the metal gate, you open the door to the courts ever so slightly, peering in to see Art grabbing neon green balls from a bucket before slamming them with his racket, making you cringe at the harsh smack it makes when it comes in contact with the wall. 

There’s no one else in the courts, likely because it’s nearly sunset on a Friday.  You try and close the door quietly behind you but it makes a loud sound as it goes back to its original position, and you shake your head slightly as Art turns around, meeting your eyes. He’s wearing a Stanford Tennis sweatshirt, with his blond locks peeking out from the black cap that’s backwards on his head. He stands, staring at you for a few moments before he puts his racket on the floor, walking towards you. Your heart starts thumping in your chest, so fast that you’re scared he’ll be able to hear it through your ribcage. 

“Hi,” you smile, hoping your nerves don’t show. You hug your arms as a particularly strong wind chill passes through, feeling the goosebumps start to form. 

“Hi,” he parrots you, slightly breathless. 

“You haven’t been to class lately, just wondering if you’re alive.”

“That’s a good excuse to stalk me,” he grins, and you feel your shoulders drop at the sight. 

“Good to see your confidence hasn’t taken a hit,” you say as he takes some tennis balls from the pocket of his sweatshirt and tosses them into the bucket before taking a few steps closer to you. 

“Nope,” he says, his mouth popping at the p. 

“I think that may be impossible.”

“What gave you such an impenetrable ego, Art?” you cock your head and he shrugs, smiling as he puts his hands on his hips.

“Don’t know, maybe being great at hitting a ball with a racket your whole life does something to your brain chemistry. The jury’s still out on if it’s a good thing,” 

You hum, stifling a laugh. The two of you stand quietly for a few moments before you talk.

“Last weekend, if I did something wrong-”

“No, you didn’t do anything,” Art cuts you off, sighing at the topic. “Patrick and I-”

“We got into a stupid fight. It doesn’t matter.”

You play with the skin around your nails. 

“That makes me feel like it was my fault.” You take a deep breath before talking again.

“What you and Patrick have, how you know each other. How you’ve grown together, and play together. I would feel awful if I played any part in messing that up.”

Art scoffs. “No need to be melodramatic, we’re not fucking dating or anything.”

You nod, unsure of what to say. 

“I saw he has a match this weekend…” you prompt, and Art nods.

“Are you gonna go?,” you ask gently. Art says nothing, and you decide not to press him. 

“Okay, well I’m going to go,” you adjust the strap of your backpack. 

“Let me know if you change your mind.”

Art looks you up and down before he takes off his hat and then brings his sweatshirt over his neck, tossing the sweatshirt into your chest as he puts his hat back on. 

“Don’t want you getting cold.”

“It’s fine, Art-”

“You’ll give it back to me next time.”

Feeling the fabric between your fingers, a grin crosses your face at his words.

"Alright, next time.''

Art watches as you walked out of the tennis courts, leaving him alone in the quiet noise of the sunset. He’s forced to remember that morning with Patrick.

 

It was a couple of minutes before seven, the sunlight just starting to creep through the blinds of the hotel window. You’d just shuffled out of the room a couple hours ago, your shoes in your hands and your shirt on backwards. Art was laid across the two twin beds that they pushed together, his hand on his stomach as he watched Patrick grab his shirt, pulling it on and buttoning the bottom three buttons. 

“Can’t find my pants,” Patrick muttered as he stopped his movement, his eyes scanning the room. Art snickered from his position on the bed. 

“They’re on the chair,” Patrick turned at Art’s voice, grinning as he walked across the room to find his jeans perched on the wooden chair. He could feel Art’s eyes on him as he tugged his pants above his thighs, zipping his jeans and leaving a sliver of his boxers visible. 

This continues for a while - Patrick haphazardly packing and stressing about his tennis game tomorrow as Art falls in and out of sleep, slightly jolting when Patrick closes a drawer particularly hard or trips over a piece of clothing on the floor. Art was almost asleep again when he heard Patrick’s voice, muffled by the bathroom door. 

“Can I use your razor?”

 Before he could think, Art yelled back “I have a new one in my backpack, just use that.”

Patrick’s movement stills for a moment before he pops his head out of the bathroom door, his hand raised with the razor and a slight furrow in his brows. 

“I can’t use yours?” he asks, and Art doesn’t like the guilt that the question causes him, and doesn’t know why the ask makes his mouth dry. 

“Just use the new one. You won’t get my hair on you.”

“No sweat,” Patrick moves to go back to the bathroom but is cut off by Art.

“Use the new one, Patrick.”

“Jesus Christ Art, I just need to use your damn razor,” Patrick’s smiling, but his voice is a little sharper, a twinge of hurt playing on his tongue. 

“Fine, use it. I don’t care,” Art sighs as he rises from the pillow to sit up, pinching the place between his eyes.”

“My dick was in your mouth last night, in case you forgot.”

Patrick rests against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest, Art stares at Patrick for a few moments, feeling the skin on his face get warm. Of course he remembers last night, but hearing it out loud makes him feel a weird mix of rage and embarrassment. Art stands up and moves towards the dresser, grabs his clothes, and starts to put them on. 

“Dude, is it so insulting to think you wanted to fuck me?” Patrick says through a laugh, watching Art intently. 

Art pulls his arms through the sleeves of his sweater, staring at his brunette counterpart as he stuffs his wallet into his pocket. 

“Patrick. Don’t think I did anything last night that wasn’t just to fuck her, alright?” Art gives a tight-lipped smile as he grabs his keys. He tries to move towards the door but Patrick is faster, cutting him off as he blocks the door. 

“C’mon Art,” he playfully taps his chest. 

“It’s just me. You can be honest.”

The soft tone Patrick uses, the implications, the stuffiness of the room and the sight of Patrick’s slightly tousled hair infuriates Art. 

“What the fuck did you think was gonna happen today, Patrick? I mean, what, we were gonna walk out of here holding hands, drinking a milkshake with one straw or something?” Art chuckles dryly, seeing the change in Patrick’s face as he realizes what he’s saying. He knows he’s being mean, but he doesn’t know why. He’s too far gone, now. 

“I don’t want to be with someone like you, and I thought you knew that.”

Art’s words stick in the air as Patrick chews on his lower lip, slightly nodding. 

'“Good luck tomorrow,” Art pats Patrick’s shoulder as he pushes past him to open the door, but Patrick grabs his wrist right after the key clicks open. 

“You know, you have so much going on in your head,” Patrick points his finger into Art’s face, any humor in his voice long gone. 

“That you let it rule your whole life. Well, I’m done letting you infect me with it. I won’t let you turn me into a pathetic coward too.”

Art slams the hotel room door so hard that a couple from across the hallway creaks their door open, asking if Patrick is okay. He doesn’t answer.

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 17

so it's definitely gonna be something big and flashy. i just still hope that it doesn't have any impact on who actually wins.

see, the funny thing is that i genuinely don't think Derek has actually done anything wrong...? like, afaik, he wasn't trying to dismiss Trevor or belittle his feelings, he just... had a crush on Kristal and acted like it. am i misremembering something? or is Trevor just being really petty for no reason? (this isn't Trevor hate; i actually find it quite impressive that i still root for Trevor despite him like objectively being in the wrong. that's just the silly billy rizz i suppose.)

"i started thinking that because of you! but, if your character ends you in a place where you do realize that what people think matters, maybe i'll believe that too, because i care what you think."

this was a nice save from Connor.

so the Sharma family has one daughter who's 31, and one daughter who's <18? that's a pretty big age gap (minimum 14 years), though obviously not an impossible one. i wonder if things just shook out that way, or if they aren't (fully) biologically related?

what did she have against Hunter? hilarious if she only wants her bi daughter to date a women. or maybe she was just a big tessally shipper.

oh this is really sad actually. wild that his parents haven't talked to him in two years, but were willing to send him a letter for the show???

WHO THE FUCK IS EXCITED TO SEE YUL?????

Grett is so cool.

🎶Me encanta el poder y no perder--

REAL ("Connor, you can't be this stupid" echoes in the background)

BRO WHAT--

MY FIRST INSTINCT WAS THAT SHE WAS GOING TO SNAP HIS NECK

WHAT THE FUCK. okay so even a day later i am still reeling from this obviously but i do want to say that it's hilarious that Riya can get directly drop kicked by a horse so hard that it flings her like 60 ft up into the air and be completely fine, but Connor falls off of a horse and nearly gets permanently paralyzed. sucks to be an OLD MAN ig 🔥🔥🔥 (/j)

also i can't believe the break Connor's legs challenge was foreshadowing oh my god--

and that was when Riya knew

she fucked up

this sequence is so melodramatic it's honestly kind of hilarious. also Jake is ready to throttle a bitch.

this was a really nice acting moment, even if the context surrounding it wasn't the best. although, even then, was this move even a bad writing decision? i kind of want to say it was, just because of how out of nowhere it was, but i don't think it was actually a bad choice. like, yes, i too am disappointed that they "gave Riya plot armor" in not having her eliminated this episode, because i don't really think we need to spend more time unpacking her deal.

however, if they're going to keep Riya around for another episode (or even until the finale), i think that giving her another concrete thing to be a part of is a good idea. it'll certainly keep her character memorable for several seasons to come. and, i like how this parallels her tossing Aiden off that cliff in the s2 finale! in that situation, she had just become a villain, and purposefully endangered Aiden with no remorse. this time, she's been a villain for the entire season, but is now forced into the position of hurting Connor on accident and being full of remorse for it. being a villain is exactly what people expect for her, and Riya is nothing if not what people expect. it's a real moment of facing exactly what you've become.

to be honest, even a day after watching the episode, i'm still reeling so hard from what happened that i find it difficult to parse out exactly how i feel about this episode. i may wind up changing my mind, and, who knows, i might even change my mind again after that. all i know is that. we wildin. All Stars is such a season.

given how this game works, i'd honestly be more worried about her sudden athletic prowess. but, a threat's a threat either way.

why did they have him say this directly before Tribal if he cast his vote on Grett? i guess it's foreshadowing for Ally being threatening later?

i mean, i'm not too surprised. if it wasn't going to be Riya, it makes sense that they would eliminate Grett as the biggest threat. plus, Grett was being too obviously awesome. put her on the "best to never win" list.

o7 slay queen

i expect nothing less... than a Jake/Ally/Connor finale, lmao.

what an episode! i'm really glad i wasn't at all spoiled on this one, 'cause i think it was important to go in truly blind to the what-the-fuck-iness of this plot. unfortunately, with Riya still in the game (for now), i do feel like next episode's boot is going to be pretty predictable, but... i've been saying that Riya's elimination is really obvious for the past two episodes now, so, maybe i'll be wrong again!!!

[not-souleaterpost]

Yup, the other AMV/Edit from the iceberg, same reason for uploading it seperately. This one is less melodramatic, so if you disliked that about the last one maybe this one will get more than two likes on here lol. (Also some other thoughts and update after the break)

But first, the iceberg, if anyone is curious:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf_dGJyQJOc

Anyways, yeah, actually this one had a whole backstory (kinda) around it, remember like two years ago being on a walk and listening to the song and thinking "I guess this one could work as an amv- but nah amv's are emberassing, I would never make one" - guess history is funny like that. Still wonder if people got pissed of and left the iceberg video before ever coming to the part cause I kinda shittalked amv makers, guess I had to do it, it is what it is. Still, dunno think it turned quite well for basically the first amv I ever really made (think the closest I did before was cutting the Hey Arnold intro to Uptown funk when my brother asked me as a request 7 years ago lol, that shit got lost forever and only went up to the first 20 seconds or something anyways) But yeah, if I'm already rambling, guess this will probably be my last post for some time, will try to abstaine from just posting bullshit and spaming tags on here, hopefully for good but worst case atleast like for a month and a half. Ofcourse I'll upload more substantial shit here when I have something, but I think the rush of likes and responses is too much of a drug for me and takes up too much thoughtspace when I don't get the warm reception I want lol, it's a me problem, but still, prolly better for everyone to just concentrate on the big projects, so when I'm not busy with real life, I can deliver that instead of weird inside jokes or paragraph long theories and rants in the posts of other people (those who didn't mind that - apreciate you, real MVP's) So yeah, think I went on long enough, so yeah it is what it is, we'll see, hopefully I can make some progress on the iceberg again and actually get back on the chapters for SE Post too, kinda don't wanna abandon it for this long and I got a lot of things I wanna finally put to paper, just gotta work out logistic in every sense of the world (like real life shit but also story planning, cause I have all the events, but not sure how to put them in a timeline so there are no plotholes or weird pacing, but I'll figure it out) But as allways, if I fuck up everything again, or you don't really care and wonder why I'm writting as if anybody did: Yeah...Sorry

[bangtthedoldrums]

life update?

July is almost over, i think these days i'm seeing glimpses of light at the end of the 27 tunnel. why am i writing all these on tumblr, you may wonder? i'm attention-seeking, i seek attention, i fear.

(let's bffr, whose attention am i seeking when i literally have <5 followers here haha, what a melodramatic bitch)

these days i'm feeling relatively stable. i'm laughing a lot, i'm smiling a lot. i mean i was already starting to, then the whole Kamala effect kicked off and i find myself laughing at dumbass things - nothing's ever that serious lol

the astrology people on twitter were not kidding about Saturn's return. 27 has been so fucking difficult, i can see why Club 27 even exists in the first place.

i wouldn't say i was "fighting" the last few months, "fighting" to stay alive? nah. some of my friends know i'm absolutely not "fighting" in any way. i'm glad i hung around i guess?

Sufjan, you're undeniably talking to yourself in this track. i would like to answer your question if that's okay. i probably wouldn't a few months ago, but yes, now i do care if i survive this.

oh god it's finally happening i guess. the time to get over a relationship is half the time it lasted. the timeline fits i guess.

"I'm frightened of the end, I'm drowning in my self-defense" and "Think of me as what you will, I grow like a cancer" sound about right.

"Did I cross you? Did I fail to believe in positive thoughts? Our romantic second chance is dead, I buried it with the hatchet"

"If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby? You tell me, 'Life isn't that hard' " yeah. sounds about right.

the season of pain and hopelessness has passed, and with resignation and acceptance comes revelation. and that revelation is that it's over.

okay. enough about that for now. please allow me to ramble on about things that have been in my head the last few days (or last few months haha).

the first thing - i'm not sure if i'm delulu or what, but please go with me here. these days i stare into the mirror, and my face looks like it's in the process of chiseling itself out. i can see my cheekbones. my cheeks look hollower. (but that could be an illusion? from the shadow of the temple of my glasses casted on my cheeks.)

i don't know if that is part of ageing. or if i lost weight. or if i'm sick. i feel fine though. but i would not be surprised if i secretly had lung cancer all these time from all those years of cigarettes smoking, and now vaping. who knows! i look hot so whatever.

the second thing - i've been listening to chappell roan a lot the last few months, just about the time i noped out of social media lol.

i've been returning to my punk/alternative/rock roots lately. i have too much pent-up rage lately methinks. rage from grief, rage from injustice, rage from.......... actually these two are mainly it. i can't really think of anything right now.

the third thing - penn badgley is so hot. haha. as a sapphic (mostly) no man has ever made me feel anything except penn badgley. not that joe goldberg persona though, it's dan humphrey and woodchuck todd. okay fine, there were. but i would like to mention penn badgley for now 😀

the fourth thing - i've been feeling a lot more social lately. being social online helps. talking to people helps. making plans with friends whom i love, trust, and respect helps.

i wonder if i wasted all these time isolating myself. maybe i'd be better quicker. or i'd lash out for no good reason. we'll never know. i guess it also helps when the trigger of my fight or flight isn't living down the hallway anymore?

the fifth thing - i find myself funny again. not like "i'm insulting someone for shits and giggles" funny. like i could make jokes again. like my humour is back. i scrolled through my reddit account a few days back and i don't even remember most of the comments i've made with that account. i used to be so funny and quick-witted. it's all coming back slowly so i'm glad 😄

okay folks, that's all for now. i've disappeared for a while but i'm back. thank you for your patience and understanding.

27's almost over. i don't know if i "can't wait for it to be over." i don't really feel anything about getting older. i'm literally still a baby when it comes to my prefrontal cortex. or a toddler if you're particular. i guess anything can still happen from now till September, the universe's always listening !!! 😀

why the tell-all now, girl? who knows! maybe i wna start documenting stuff again. i don't remember things from the last 8 to 9 months. with everything else that went on in my head i'm surprised that i lasted this long.

maybe i wna be honest.

"Come one, come all, I'll tell you my secrets. I'm kinda like a prettier Jesus"

this must be what Lorde feels when she wrote Solar Power

[fluffalpenguin]

@arcvmonth day 24: the manga

oh man oh MAN it's vj day!!!!!

it's pretty funny how all my gifs are mostly yuri-centered huh

Under the cut:

revisiting my review of the manga from last year

Headcanons and fic/comic ideas

rambling about an old WIP

small playlist! (with write-ups!)

First of all, here's the 3,000 words analysis/blog thing I wrote last year when I first finished it.

One and a half years later, I still largely agree with it! There's some headcanons I wrote in there that I completely forgot about, lol, so I'm glad past me posted it somewhere for current me to relieve it again! (The rants were also kind of funny to re-read too)

***

Next, headcanons!

Lately, I found myself wondering about Yuto and Yuri's outfits; specifically-

...Why are they walking around Maiami with dramatic red/black capes?

After some time in the kitchen, I decided that when Yuya was younger, he was really into good versus evil roles when rehearsing his dueltainment lines. And who else better to serve as his practice opponents than his two brothers who aren't off busy making rounds at the stadium on a D-Wheel?

Tying his own fluffy, white towel around his shoulders, Yuya throws a nearby black blanket to Yuto. The oldest is initially a little embarrassed about the notion, but no one can ever say no to the baby of the Sakaki family, can they? (He'll just have to live the shame down from the twins later on... They barely even respect him as they are right now, anyway) In the middle of the duel, Yuri walks in onto the two of them after having finished his homework (or tweaking his deck). He raises an eyebrow at Yuto's appearance, but gets the gist of the situation when he sees their duel disks activated and Yuya standing on top of the sofa in a similar attire. As Yuto steals Yuya's schtick and becomes a tomato, Yuri pouts about being left out and quickly leaves to hunt for something that will allow him to join the fun. When the duel ends, Yuto passes the baton to Yuri. As he watches the two rattle off silly, goofy lines like, I will destroy the planet, the universe, all the worlds! and, Never! I'll stop you, fiend!, Yuto sighs in relief. At least Yuya now has Yuri to LARP with. Maybe Yugo would volunteer too, once he returned from driving practice and hears about it. Though, he'd likely ask to play the part of the hero himself. Anyway, Yuto's already almost in middle school; he's getting a little too old to play with costumes now. Then afterwards, at dinner, with an angelic smile Yuya says, "Yuuto, can we play like that again sometime? You look so cool with a cape!"

Yuri on the other hand, always had a tendency for the melodramatic, his own personal spin of the theatrics he's seen from his dad! Deep down he really loves playing the villain.

(This was meant to be a short description but I couldn't help putting some fic-like sentences in there tehe also yes that's a reference to the conversation between Yuya and G.O.D./Eve)

***

(warning: angst ahead)

Another headcanon I have that I want to write/draw something for is that in the postcanon where Reiji, Yuya, Isaac and Ren travel through space and time together, Yuya has moments where he falters to his grief.

He's used to his brothers commenting and nagging him on almost anything and everything (A midnight snack? Think about your complexion, Yuya!) and his world is suddenly a lot more quiet. In his hurt, he starts to avoid Ren, not wanting to be reminded of what he's lost (He doesn't feel good about it).

Eventually Reiji intervenes and Yuya opens up a little. He's been unable to properly let himself grief for his brothers. All he wants to say is that he misses them.

But he doesn't feel like he has the right to do so, having being the one to seal their fates by personally destroying the one method of bringing them back to life. He doesn't regret his decision of course, but he's unable to stop himself from feeling this way too.

It has a happy ending; Reiji convinces Yuya to talk to Ren. Yuya shares stories about Yugo at Ren's request, making the both of them laugh. Yuya realises that there are other methods of bringing back people to life, too, even if only momentarily.

But it is enough.

***

Misc hcs:

Yuya's charisma and attitude is a combination of his three brothers fawning over his cuteness from birth and Yuya being so star-struck with Yusho's performances he attempted to replicate the movements ever since he could walk.

Being the oldest, Yuto feels a sense of responsibility for his brothers and pledged to take care of them in place of his always-missing parents. However, he oft times finds himself not having to do much because Yugo and Yuri are so determined to win over Yuya's heart (and be proclaimed 'favourite brother') that they also make sure to set a good example for the youngest when possible. This causes Yuto a little bit of an identity crisis (/j it's just for fun) until he settles into his role as the househusband cook.

"All of us... are connected by... the arc of destiny!"

Reiji and Yuya are supposed to be silhouetted by their fathers, so Yuzu is meant to seem like she's looking at Yuya, but is in fact looking at Yusho. I also think VJ Yuto should be allowed to smile more!

This drawing is meant to be my love letter to the manga as a whole, and ESPECIALLY the last duel between Reiji and Yuya. I talked about it a whole ton in the review linked above already, so go check that out if you haven't!!

I was really happy with the composition when I first made this, especially with Sora/Ren/Isaac Versus the Yus mirroring their duels! (Well, okay, I know Isaac didn't duel Yuto but.... just give this to me)

Anyway I really wanted a fun and positive energy for it! Every month I think about returning to this but I get slightly demotivated when I realise I have *zero* colour references for both Ren and Isaac... Please send in your headcanons...

***

Last but not least, last month I got brain worms for another animatic/hand-drawn MV for Eve's Fight Song! I'll never ever have to time to go back to it, but I wanted to take the chance to talk about other songs that make me ill when I think about them with the manga.

1. Myth & Roid - TRAGEDY:ETERNITY

Don’t give me an eternity Even if that’s all I can believe Press pause on the flow of time In the shadow of the blink of an eye I don’t wanna fall into a sleep ‘Cause now you are my remedy Now knocking on, knocking on, knocking on my brain Even for the temptation of a nightmare Fate demands a costly reparation for its fare

Translated lyrics mostly from lyrical-nonsense, but I made some changes for better rhyming and flow yahoo!! This song is what I imagine the OP would be in my dreams when it received an anime adaptation, I've always dreamed of making my own animatic to it!!

Not just the chorus, but the ENTIRE SONG (pleeeease go take a look at the lyrics) feels like it's made for the manga please please go take a look

2. MYTH & ROID - -to the future days

I cast my wishes to the future days If we can meet on the other side of eternity… I cast my wishes to the future days What should we talk about first? Sadness and even joy will, eventually Will sleep together That's the way life is If such a world could be granted Would nobody feel hurt anymore?

Yeah I like M&R quite a bit, how'd you know

If T:E was the hypothetical OP, this is my pick for the ED theme, like AAAAAAAA for me it encompasses the yu's story so so so so so so so well, though

And:

Both despair and also life come to end eventually Take this future into your hands and let it run its course Spin it ’round…… The hands on the clock spin around Like flowers, petals falling and fluttering Once we blossom, we dissipate in the moment THE BRIDGE THE BRIDGE THE LYRICS ARGHHHHHHHH This is definitely for me, the moment when the three yus start to fade during Yuya's battle with Eve, their last conversation they have with yuya..... *lies onto the ground in a pile of misery*

Rest of the lyrics HERE shoves it into your face

3. MAISONdes - Tokyo Shandy Rendezvous

It's no joke, no it's not! Tokyo Shandy Rendezvous Even when the time comes nothing will come of it Vague truths only become melancholy Come on and snatch me away now, take on me!

This is a fun one, when I watched the PV and in the chorus Lum was spinning I instantly went wow what if that was Phantom.. and then the lyrics bared their claws and sunk them into my brain and hasn't really let go since

Unlike the above two songs, not all of the lyrics are a perfect match, of course, but I adore how in general the whimsical yet lonely nature of the song feels like it fits Phantom so well!

4. Eve - Fight Song

As the night still refuses to end, let’s dream

Last but not least the song I posted the above storyboard for! CSM fans (as well as Eve fans, lol) are probably already familiar with the song, and full lyrics here, though like the song above, only parts of the song (particularly the chorus) really resonated with the vj brainworms in my head lol Even for me, y’know Let’s make a break for the future Towards the verge of death like we pray for A boy that gave his word Today, just like back then As if there’s no more future ahead

Sigh.... Yuto, Yugo, Yuri................ Just let out your voice Let’s take it easy We don’t even know common sense, so we know the world through wise eyes These overflowing feelings, behold Greet me with an applause

I love the first half a lot, I can easily imagine Yuya saying it to the other three... and of course, the latter, from him to the world! (or perhaps even G.O.D...)

As always thanks for reading GOODBYE I GOTTA GO DRAW SOME ARC-V OCS

[harleyshahas]

This has been driving me crazy all afternoon and I have to put this down somewhere so feel free to ignore me;

I've been thinking about the who's the sexiest person that comes to mind immediately thing, and the my legit answer is my husband. He's not the most conventionally attractive man out there, but I love him so much, he makes me laugh, and just generally makes my day better by being within my line of sight. I could gush about him forever, but I'm not cuz I have thoughts to put down, but he's my person and I choose him every time.

That said, when I see/get questions like this, I get legitimately confused. What is sexy? Because I've been questioning my possible asexuality for almost 10 years now, and this is a question I honestly have trouble answering.

People are not sexy to me. They're a body, and to be honest, most of them look the same to me. I see actors/actresses on TV and movies and people I know (hubs included) tell me how hot they think they are but all I see is another guy with the same face as the other guy in the last thing I watched. That woman looks the same as this other one, and it's like a neverending loop of same person-ness, and it legit distresses me sometimes. Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney are considered some of the hottest people in Hollywood right and I they just look like average people to me.

But then I look at an animated character (Pitch, for example), and I wonder what makes him so attractive to me. Even Jack Frost looks like the cute, boy-next-door type (yes, this is a small commentary on the same faced models of Disney characters). But Jack's personality is different from most. He's snarky, he's mischievous, he's a moody teenager, but he's fun. He finds fun in every situation, and his biggest goal is to make everyone around him smile with it. He's charming outside of being simply cute. So what attracts me to someone like Pitch?

Physically speaking, he stands out. Studios seem to enjoy creating their villains to be the opposite of what's conventionally attractive to be what they would probably consider ugly. But it's not ugly, not really. It's beautifully human. People on the street don't look like they do in Hollywood; they're not model thin or rocking defined abs and a chiseled face. While those things may be considered attractive for some, they're not to everyone. Pitch has a long face, a big, wide nose, eyes set far apart, and he's lanky as hell. And I've see people with these features on the street, and they stand out more than the same-face models, and they're beautiful in their own way. Maybe even more so. Other characters that stand out similarly are (also villains, go figure) are guys like Killian from Spies in Disguise, Mandrake from Epic, and Bog from Strange Magic. That's not even getting into the classic Disney villains of Hook, Silver, Ursula, Ratigan, Rourke, Maleficent, Facilier - each of these villains have excellent designs, but because they're villains they were created with features in mind that are considered unattractive by most. They're either too fat or too lanky, with big noses and long faces. Animation can get away with having "ugly" characters like this. Real life can't because Hollywood only employs "beautiful" people.

But these characters all have personality. They're larger than life, dialed up to 11 every second they're on screen, and they're often the best parts of any animated feature, and in my own opinion, it's because they break the mold. They're allowed to be melodramatic because they're "ugly," they can strut their stuff because they don't fit the script, and they're often as unapologetic as it gets. So when Belle sees the true face of the Beast for the first time, we can't blame her for being disappointed. Adam looks just like the guy next door, and that's not the face she and we fell in love with. Ultimately, it's the good inside him that attracts her, not the face of the Beast, and she's smart enough to realize that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't take a moment to reorientate to the new normal. Now she's gotta struggle to pick him out of a crowd of similar looking men.

It's like those stories of guys like Hugh Jackman and Henry Cavill walking down the street in their superhero gear, and no one recognizes them. It's because they look like any average Joe on the street (I should probably mention im not attracted to either of them, either).

But then I hear a hot voice (Jude Law, my love) coming out of an unconventionally attractive face, with all the snark and wit I love in a personality, and boom! Instant attraction. I think about this for other animated crushes I've had, like Meg from Hercules who doesn't really fit the character model for Disney princesses and all her snark and wit, and I can easily name her my first female crush as a child. I've been attracted to more animated characters in my life than actual real people- usually a combination of interesting design, voice, and personality.

Garrus Vakarian, my one true love (helps that he's, ya know. Not human).

Which brings me to "aliens and monsters are sexy because they're not human because humans are unattractive to me unless they stand out somehow."

[infuschia]

idk

hi guys i am so sorry for totally ghosting :/ i know that's the worst feeling with a fic you love and i'm so so sorry. i'm gonna be so straight up, i have had a WILD life from even before i started this fic up until right now - and although things are finally starting to take shape and calm down to say the least, i lost a lot of myself during that time. i grew in many ways as well, but i think there's just been a lot that happened to me over the past year or so that held me back from goals i have or the type of person i wanna become or whatever, and without going into detail, i cannot lie alot of it has been really really hard. i definitely used writing as an escape/coping mechanism of some sort for the negative feelings i was experiencing - and that can be super helpful for real plus i've BEEN in therapy lol, but i also still found myself retreating away from parts of my life that would have been good for me and my growth to pursue, and i can't be doing that anymore. as much as i fell in love with writing all this for you guys, it ended up taking up a lot of space in my mind as more of a distraction from my own setbacks and issues instead of being something wholly good for me, if that makes sense. unfortunately - THE MOST PAINFUL MIC DROP iamsosososorry - that distraction has had to end. some lowkey rock bottom moments forced me to take a better look at my life for what it really is AND for what i want it to be, and at this time i do need to step back from the false life i created in this story and step back into my real one. not that i was like living in my bedroom on my laptop or nothin LMAO i'm just sayin there have been some things i know now i can't continue with in the same way that i did before, in terms of what i spend my time and energy on. i can't say for sure that i'll never be back but i don't wanna be making any promises i can't keep. I LOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OF THE LOVE SO MUCH OVER THE YEAR I SPENT WORKING ON THIS FOR YOU ALL i NEVER EXPECTED like anyone to read it so just every split second you even spent CONSIDERING this fic was just music to my soul and i again can't begin to describe how wonderful it's been hearing from you all and knowing that at least in some small way i was able to add a bit of joy to your lives. it's not goodbye, it's see you down the road - LMAO IGNORE MY MELODRAMATIC ASS SO SILLY but fr. over the summer i fell in and out of love and back again (MAYBE I SHOULD NOT SAY LOVE LMAO maybe lust and some feels LOLOL BUT MAN IDEK AIFSHJABJHD) with an old potential guy of sorts (have talked on and off for the last three years bruh hometown crush), and after all this time of never actually being upfront about what we thought of each other we were FINALLY honest with each other about how we felt on things, just before having to go back to school in different parts of the country - with a hope to see each other again down the road #romantic? #idek. i hope it works out with him, maybe my romantic ass is just bein delusional asf but i also just have that feeling that we'll find each other again when the time is right. and maybe just maybe i'll be back at this when the time is right - but all i know for sure is that, just like with this man-whos-not-my-man-but-may-just-be-one-day, right now i gotta focus on loving myself above all. THIS IS CRAZY SO MUCH WRITING I KNOW but i know how it feels to have a fic you like just drop off the earth so i guess better something than nothing, better late than never. SO so so much love forever and always. you guys all have my heart no matter who you are, where you are, or whenever you're reading this. LOVE YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH YOURE AMAZING AND KEEP ON BEING YOU CUZ THATS INCREDIBLE ON ITS OWN <3 <3 <3 see you down the road my friends xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[emotionalhxc]

PART 1: An online Q&A via Instagram with Neptune aka Strawberry Hospital; lots of questions were asked, I thought I'd just put down everything Neptune wrote in one post so it's cherished and remembered ♡ Q: What is Swanksin about? btw i love u and ur music so much!!!! N: "thank you !! that one was written mostly about momentary bliss and a fleeting sense of belonging with another person, drenched in metaphor. it was a gift for somebody at that time musical references included: Undo by Björk and Hasty Boom Alert by μ-ziq" Q: what was the ep grave chimera about? found it back 4 years ago and been a fan since! :) N: "depends on the song to be honest! it was intended to be a summary of traumatic life experiences at that time, told in desperation via musical styles that meant the most to me as a young child. it was also intended to be a s****de (suicide) note of sorts (though I have no intention of that now, nor do I encourage it). I was listening to mostly trancecore, black metal, doom metal, denpa, j-pop and VGM" Q: how do you do itt??????? N: "musically? I started very young at like age 11 so perhaps that provides some advantage but if this is more of an existential question then bro I wonder the same thing every day (joke)" Q: What is A confession, a cadaver about? I love that song!! N: "that was one of the more straightforward songs I've written in terms of lyrical theme. I wanted to write an anthemic guitar centric piece that melodramatically compares having a crush to hiding a dead body idk what I was on about lol" Q: will rhythm be available on streaming services eventually? love your stuff btw :3 N: "absolutely! Rhythm 0 is currently being delivered to all platforms so check back later this week approximately ❤️" Q: also what is phantoma about? N: "it is an empathetic reflection on an abusive figure in early childhood and how effects of their influence can present themselves long term or even shape you into who/what you are" Q: are u still friends w the person u wrote halfawake about? N: "not friends but not enemies! they are doing well and I am proud of them at a distance. that said, strangely the song has become equally applicable to a few figures throughout different stages of my own life" Q: how old are you and whats your favourite album 😇 N: "currently 25! my favorite album is Solitude Freak by Yuyouppe and it shows" Q: Grave chimera might just be the best music project ever. Do you ever feel like it is:))) N: "gosh this is quite the high compliment... you are sweet, and thank you for believing so! I tend to be critical of my own art but putting effort into practicing self affirmations and recognizing my own worth ❤️‍🩹" Q: favorite movie ?? N: (there was a screenshot here of a list of movies so I will just write them down for you) "Doll (2005) Malice@Doll (2001) Mysterious Skin (2004) The Thing (1982) 鉄男 (Tetsuo: The Iron Man) (1989) 銀河鉄道の夜(Night on the galactic railroad) (1985) Puella Magi Madoka Magica (2011) Puella Magi Madoka Magica: The Movie (2013)" Q: do you like owl city? N: "you know it... been listening since I found his music on myspace when I was like 7 years old best albums are Of June and Maybe I'm Dreaming but I don't listen to very much beyond Ocean Eyes"

CONTINUED IN NEXT POST

[starrysharks]

i watched 'saw III' just before writing this, but this will come out later. my theory is that kramer was actually a himedanshi who was trying to get amanda and lynn together. he failed ... </3

this was even more gory and melodramatic than the last, and it definitely wasn't as good, but i still enjoyed it. while the freezer, pig guts vat, and twister traps were really creative and unexpected, jeff's parts were a bit slow, and i preferred the parts with kramer and co more. the gore here is also really good (the twister scene was a personal standout, really wanna see the BTS for that) but i had to look away for the entirety of kramer's operation because i hate 'precise' gore, if that makes sense... anything that's too deliberate and medical.

amanda's character was so good and entertaining that i forgive her for killing adam, actually. she literally did nothing wrong. joking, but her character, the fact that her traps were unbeatable, and her relationships with kramer and lynn were really interesting and well written in my opinion. also her outfits were cool.

all in all, this movie suffers from its pacing being just a biiit too slow. i'm really wondering who will become jigsaw now that kramer and amanda are dead, and how the traps will evolve based on that. also, personally i find it interesting how amanda's traps kind of resembled the reverse bear trap in a way, all involving large devices attached directly to the body in some way (the ribcage trap, lynn's collar). maybe it wasn't intentional but i thought it was nice. this is a 3/5 for me, and at the time of writing, i'm planning on watching IV tomorrow (＾▽＾) i hope gordon makes a comeback, they keep referencing him.

[theburninggalaxy]

okok so. you were curious about my buried and eye alignments? I don't think I can explain either well, but I'll give it a go.

The Eye is. Is me? This sounds pretentious. I have always been very aligned with the Eye, or thematically related to it. For a long time, privacy was simply an idea that I would only want enforced if asked outright to respect it. That could be pretty normal, hard to say! Recently though, and by recently I mean the last four-odd years, I've been leaning into my habit of collecting trivia and random bits of knowledge.

When topics I know anything interesting about come up, I feel as if I have to say what I know on the topic, even if paraphrased into small and barely relevant 'fun facts.' I'm a bit of a repository for surface level information these days. It's nice to fade into the background of my system and just provide information for my headmates when they ask.

I'm also very fond of making my half of conversations entirely out of quotes from places I've heard. TMA is a wonderful source of melodramatic words to draw on. Mostly, though, song lyrics cover a lot of what I need when others' words become my own.

The Buried, though. I love it. The Buried is to me what the Desolation is to Jude Perry, in some ways. Or maybe we'll use the actual Buried avatar/associate, Hezekiah? It is rest and calm and nothing can reach you here but the weight of the earth. metaphorical pressures fall away in the wake of unending literal pressure. dust pneumonia- you know that one? Yes.

Mm. Gets in your lungs, gets in your eyes. You become as much a part of it as it makes itself a part of you. All your earthly worries fall away beneath. Well. Earthy worries. There is nothing but the pressure of being so unceasingly significant to this one thing that it cannot bear to let you go, not to your life, not to your death.

I may ramble on a bit about Forever Deep Below Creation. I love it a lot. I would like to think it is mutual.

Ah, that about covers it? The Eye feels like something I am, and the Buried feels like something I could dedicate all I am to. I wouldn't give either up for anything.

Thank you for the explanation.

I feel rather similar when it comes to the Eye, and while I can understand the love for the Buried on an intellectual level I could never see myself feeling those things so it's interesting to hear from someone who does

[autisticandroids]

1 and 20 for fanfic ask :)

1. what’s the fic youre most proud of?

so the easy answer here is i fold in half so easily. i actually like... i didn't start writing that one as like a Big Project? i started writing it to procrastinate my other projects. I didn't notice it turning into this massive like, carefully thought out monstrosity basically until i posted it. and then it just kind of... after the fact, it kind of became all i thought about. like i started kind of self-referentially paying attention most to the interpretations i presented in that fic. which sounds pretty narcissistic, and yeah it is i'm a writer. i like my own work. sue me. like a lot of the things i said in the months afterward kinda came from the i fold in half so easily extended universe, you know? and it's so funny because it was intended as like, a little side project that i wasn't meant to care about much. half of it was literally just me trying my hand at something. like, did you know i fold in half so easily was inspired by beat sheet? like, part of the purpose of that fic was me being like "i wonder if i can do the thing saltyfeathers did so well where they had a main character with ZERO thoughts about salient topics." genuinely i fold in half so easily was partly just me experimenting with that. but then it became this big Thing. and then i wrote that big director's commentary for it and was like "wait hey i actually put a lot of thought into this!!! hey!!" and also other people were obsessed with it which was very exciting. and like looking back there's parts of it i am a little embarrassed by? at the time i was NOT happy with the "i can be your guy" scene and i really still am not, but it does convey something important that i wasn't sure how to get across in a less heavyhanded manner. but i've kind of made my peace with it. but nowadays i'm kind of unhappy with the ending. it's too melodramatic. if i were to write it again now cas' breakdown would be much quieter and maybe a bit more private, because i don't think him yelling at sam and then physically running out of the room is realistic, y'know? i mean the yelling at sam is probably necessary to get my point across but then he should have walked away instead of run. but overall i am quite happy with it. so probably i fold in half so easily.

i have to say though that the fic i am most proud of lately is so much smoke in a hall of mirrors. like i sat on that for a long time, i mean, i started it in december of 2020 and it just percolated. but i spend a lot of time just trying to figure out how to integrate season six destiel stuff with season six angel civil war stuff in a way that felt like each were given an appropriate weight. like the thing is i frequently find that destiel fic does not acknowledge the importance of like. non-dean factors in cas' angel revolution. at the same time, you can't make sense of season six without destiel. and not just dean as a distraction from the war, but dean and cas' desire for him as a massive complicating and motivating factor. like, maybe the most crucial thing for cas in season six is that he feels completely isolated and like no one would ever understand him and everyone would turn on him if they knew what he was doing (and he was kind of right but it's also a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of). and this is partly about crowley but it's also absolutely about dean. cas knows that his obsession with dean is both strange and would be strange to other angels, and also on some level impure. like he may or may not actually know that it's about sex, but he is absolutely aware that there's something selfish and uncomfortable about it. so having this desire he can't explain to himself or anyone else or even let anyone else (except maybe crowley, whom he hates) even KNOW about is this intensely isolating experience, which works in perfect harmony with having to lie to all his troops about tactical moves and shit and get them killed for no reason (because cas is working with crowley, which they can't know about, and he is gonna become god and win the whole war at once, eventually, so they just have to keep going til then). like basically cas has every reason to feel just totally alone and set upon from every angle. and his desire for dean is a piece of that but also not all of it. so i'm very proud of i guess successfully threading that needle. i still don't know if i was totally successful, i'm not sure if elements of it really came across? i'm not sure cas' feeling of pointlessness due to his godstiel plan actually makes sense to anyone but me. plus there's bits i'm not happy with (really mainly the ending sex scene which just is not sexy). but i am proud of it. and it's funny because no one read it, which i was kind of shocked by, because it's one of my most palatable-to-the-average-heller fics, i think. but at the same time it's nice to know i can be really proud of something without necessarily getting a bunch of attention and praise from it from people who aren't my closest friends.

20. What’s the greatest gift you’ve gotten from your writing?

um... if we were being tongue in cheek i would say like, attention? but honestly not that. like i could get so much more attention by just posting, if i wanted. what i get out of writing is like... it makes me feel competent and like i can accomplish tasks that i set myself to and boosts my confidence.

and then the other thing is that in the supernatural fandom specifically, it makes me feel like i'm earning my place at the table. like, i just kind of accidentally became a well known supernatural guy by posting a lot, and don't get me wrong, it was nice, but i also was like... i'm just a guy who posts!! i don't really contribute anything!! why are you guys admiring me, a guy who just posts my unedited thoughts for the world to look at, when you could be admiring people who write fucking novels on the archive of our own. so it was really nice once i was able to start putting out a decent amount of fanfiction i was happy with, to feel like i was able to really bring something to the table. my amvs helped too, obviously, but just in terms of personal tast i tend to prefer reading fanfiction to watching amvs, so while i respect the technical craft involved in making amvs a lot, fanfiction feels more like a contribution to people's enjoyment.

[everythingsinred]

When I was reading your most recent nm:m essay, I realized that I have the volume containing the chapters discussed (i only have the one book though rip) and I came across the part where Yuka and Shiki meet up(?) with Narumi at what looks like a graveyard or something?? It's in ch 43-44 or so, but anyway Narumi mentioned that Yuka took an alice from him, and I'm just confused by that?

Like, does (or I guess, did) he have two alices? What was the other one? Did Yuka ever give it back? And when the alice or whatever is described in his internal dialogue, it's phrased as like "[his] whole life's worth of love" and stuff which further confuses me because,,, that's not?? how alices work??

Idk Narumi constantly confuses me, so it's not a new thing, but since you have gone through the series with a fine toothed comb, I figure you might know something about it? I wondered if you would bring it up in the essays, but I don't think that whole situation would have to do with Natsume or Mikan (but I could be wrong, I occasionally am).

hi! this got a little long so my answers to your questions are under the cut!!

yeah i don't mention it in my essay so i don't mind discussing it here. in chapter 44, narumi waits at the graveyard where izumi is buried because he knows he'll find yuka there. he then implores her to return the alices she's stolen, from the students and from him.

i understand why it's confusing because yuka steals all of iinchou's alice from him in this arc, but she only stole a little bit of narumi's alice that night when she saw him before running away. he has only one alice, the human pheromone alice, but only a little was stolen. narumi used his alice on yuka two times. the first time he managed it, she was humiliated (and that incident is what spurred izumi to gift her his alice stone, if im not mistaken, so she can be safe from surprise attacks in the future), but for the rest of their school relationship, he doesn't use his alice on her again until she comes to say goodbye.

i can certainly see why this would be confusing, but the stealing alice is a bit complicated, and i still don't understand all the ins and outs of it, where mikan was able to steal luna's alice a couple times without depriving her of her entire power. ultimately it depends on the alice, i think, how much effort it would take to completely take away someone's alice. an alice is a finite thing, which is why people desperately want their stones back after they've been stolen, even a little bit. luna screams at yuka and mikan on separate occasions to return the alice they stole from her because now she has less than she did before, even if she still has some left.

so here, she had taken some of naru's alice, but probably only the amount that he was using on her. he wants it back because that's his alice, and it's pretty well-established in the lore that an alice is a personal and beloved thing (with maybe only natsume and perhaps even yuka feeling differently). i always thought of it like an organ, maybe. you could live with only one kidney, but if someone stole your other kidney, you'd probably want it back anyway. but it's also deeper than that, because naru is a melodramatic guy and he compounds the stealing of his alice with the breaking of his heart.

that night, yuka refused to let naru come with her, which was the ultimate rejection after years of pining for her. he knew she loved izumi instead and was okay with that; he just wanted to be with her, whatever way he could. when she refused, and then stole his alice, it hurt a lot because he felt so insignificant to her. the stolen alice is symbolic of the fact that he feels like he lost his heart that night too, because they happened at the same moment.

so you're very much right that that's not how alices work! he's just being dramatic. in fact he tells yuka to her face at the graveyard, "thanks to you, i'm once again unable to love or be in love," which is ridiculous because that's his responsibility, not hers. hurt by that night, naru has spent the rest of his life (so the past decade or so) pretty cold and apathetic, which is probably why he's such a lackluster teacher when we first meet him. he puts on a front, but he's still callous, just like when he was a kid. he doesn't want to be hurt again like he was by yuka, so he decides not to let anybody into his heart again. that's not really yuka's fault, though, because she only wanted to protect him.

yuka's side of things is that she feels like people get hurt when they're associated with her (she's very like natsume in that way), so she does have the thought of stopping naru's love when she steals his alice. she genuinely doesn't want him to love her anymore because it'll only result in him getting hurt. i guess in that way, they both kind of buy into the metaphor that stolen alice=stolen feelings.

she refuses to return his alice because he will chase her again; and that means less that a returned alice would magically return his heart to him, but more that if she gives it back, it would encourage him to pursue her again. she does leave the other alices behind for the students, but no, to answer your other question, she never does return his alice to him.

naru's reasoning for wanting the stone (and feelings) back is not so he can pursue her again, but so he can completely sever his attachment to her. it's faulty logic, though, because he still has his feelings. he even admits so to himself, because he feels fondness for mikan (and presumably his other students, though it all started with mikan). he had thought he'd shut his heart down for good, but he still feels love anyway. and he still feels it for yuka too: this is all just pretending.

i definitely understand the confusion about this scene!! it's largely out of context. by chapter 44 we still don't know very much about yuka or naru's past, so they're talking about moments we haven't seen and don't fully understand. as we slowly learn more about the stealing alice, it might make a little more sense, but the arc where we get all the background about their past is so dense and full of information that it's very easy to get overwhelmed.

narumi is a very confusing character. his motivations are pretty elusive for most of the manga, and it really doesn't help that he lies to himself so often; it makes it more challenging to pin him down. he IS, for a fact, though, pretty melodramatic, especially when it comes to his feelings for yuka. to him, it's all very intense and heart-wrenching to him, which is why he speaks so dramatically, using grand metaphors and accusing yuka of stealing all his feelings away.

i think it might have been higuchi tachibana's intention to confuse the audience too, by having yuka play along with the metaphor. if we're confused, then we wanna keep reading so that we can eventually find out what they're talking about!! this chapter is designed to be confusing, so it makes even more sense that you might leave it feeling unsure of what just happened.

i hope that cleared things up a little. i find naru to be the most challenging character to analyze in the whole manga. pretty much everyone else i have a good handle on but naru is so weird. i think that's due to 1. his tendency to lie to others and even to himself, 2. his three different personalities (his real self, his cold facade from when he was a kid and now with yuka, and then the flamboyant personality he uses nowadays) 3. the manga's flip-flopping on what exactly his intentions are, and whether or not he's purely motivated by self interest. he's just a really weird guy.

[emptymanuscript]

Ugh, I am feeling awful tonight. Unusually terrible for me.

I was honestly wondering for a bit if I should call 911 about an hour ago while also being like: "Are you sure you aren't having a psychosomatic freak out, friend, chum, my main nut job, whacko-mole?"

I am feeling better now, so I'm glad I didn't do anything too melodramatic. But still. I feel more than a little ugh.

On the upside, I found an etsy seller who makes something I've wanted since some time in the 90's.

Narcisse's Thumbknives from Nightbreed.

I suspect that I really should not ever own these given some of my mental issues... but I dunno, maybe for Christmas.

Maybe I should put on Nightbreed tonight. Maybe it will distract me from whatever the hell weird bs my body is doing.

:/ Chronic Pain and Mental Illness suck. I'm just saying.

I used to think that doing Narcisse's move from the movie would just be so... satisfying. Like Viper shedding her skin in The Wolverine and coming out clean and healed and fresh.

Like, hell yes, I want to rip my skin off. How awesome would that be? 8D ... and that's why we have antidepressants.

Because no, removing the body part that is bothering you will not, in fact, make you feel better.

Huh, it occurs to me that I actually literally get to say that from experience now. I had arthroscopic surgery and then hip replacement surgery to remove the bad bone... and I often feel worse instead of better. Yeah, ripping out the part that bugs you, not always as great a solution as it feels like it would be. Funny that.

[semperama]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favourite five fics that you've written, then pass it to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

Thank you, friend! I've been in such a writing rut lately, and this was a good reminder that I actually do feel proud of some of the things I've written. <3

These are in order from newest to oldest:

Don't Leave Me, Even for an Hour - Max/Daniel, F1 RPF. I still like this one a little more than Little Drops of Anguish, maybe because it's shorter and was easier to write and less complicated, haha. I think I did a pretty good job writing the heightened emotions without being too melodramatic, which can be hard. I also really like the part where everyone shows up at Daniel's hotel room, and I'm glad I had that idea.

The Way We Look at Horses - Chris/Zach, Star Trek RPF. I was wondering the other day why it took me so long to write a Pinto cowboy AU, lol. It's literally the second to last Pinto fic I wrote, and it's one of my favorites. I've reread it several times, and I just...enjoy it. It's one of the few fics where I'm not thinking about the things I'd change or how I'd make it better. I think it's just...good!!

In Babylon - Chris/Zach, Star Trek RPF. If you had told me I'd write a stripper!Chris AU and it would be my favorite fic I've ever written, I wouldn't have believed you. AND YET! This was lightning in a bottle for me. Still pretty proud of the non-linear storyline.

Burn Out the Day - Winters/Nixon, Band of Brothers. The Supernatural AU that was my entry for the Easy Co. Big Bang. I actually reread this recently and enjoyed it so much it was like reading something that someone else had written, lol. I still think this AU as a concept works so well for Winnix, and I'm very glad I wrote it.

Dearly Departed - Chris/Zach, Star Trek RPF. No matter how long I write fanfiction, this one is always going to have a special place in my heart. It was the first time I ever participated in a Big Bang, the first novel-length thing I ever wrote, and I still love the whole idea of it and the structure and the converging storylines. I think I'd say it's my biggest writing accomplishment to date.