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queerfables · 11 months

Note

Taking away the glass?

Oh gosh I'm actually so keen to talk about this so thank you for the opening!

Context: Responding to akaitsukicat's artwork of Crowley and Aziraphale separated by a glass wall, I said that the reason we're all such wrecks over their kiss is because after 6000 years in canon and 33 years in real life, that kiss was "taking away the glass".

The glass is a metaphor that media scholar Henry Jenkins uses to explain the appeal of slash, originally published in 1993. Here, "slash" refers to queer re-interpretation of heterosexual media, including transformative works exploring those readings.

This is what Jenkins says about the glass:

When I try to explain slash to non-fans, I often reference that moment in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan where Spock is dying and Kirk stands there, a wall of glass separating the two longtime buddies. Both of them are reaching out towards each other, their hands pressed hard against the glass, trying to establish physical contact. They both have so much they want to say and so little time to say it. Spock calls Kirk his friend, the fullest expression of their feelings anywhere in the series. Almost everyone who watches the scene feels the passion the two men share, the hunger for something more than what they are allowed. And, I tell my nonfan listeners, slash is what happens when you take away the glass. The glass, for me, is often more social than physical; the glass represents those aspects of traditional masculinity which prevent emotional expressiveness or physical intimacy between men, which block the possibility of true male friendship. Slash is what happens when you take away those barriers and imagine what a new kind of male friendship might look like. One of the most exciting things about slash is that it teaches us how to recognize the signs of emotional caring beneath all the masks by which traditional male culture seeks to repress or hide those feelings.

The vid I refer to, inspired by Jenkin's comments, is The Glass by thingswithwings. It's a beautiful vid, sad and hopeful and empowering, with a very moving commentary on fandom history. It was originally published in 2008, which is relevant to understanding the position it takes in the dialogue around queer relationships in media.

Here's thingswithwings' summary of the vid, as it appears on YouTube:

Henry Jenkins, speaking of the Spock death scene from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, said, "slash is what happens when you take away the glass." It has been said, in response, that death also happens when you take away the glass. ie, if you took away the glass Kirk would die of radiation poisoning too; the barrier between desiring men cannot be removed on pain of death. Homosexuality, or just loving touch between two people of the same gender, is equivalent to death in this media narrative. One of the interesting things about slash is the way it takes away the glass, then puts it back, then takes it away, then puts it back, often pleasurably. I think this is both problematic and powerful. It is problematic because it reasserts the impossibility of the touch (it fetishizes oppression in a negative manner); it is powerful - and good - because it dwells on and thinks about and removes the glass (it fetishizes oppression in a transformative manner). One of the interesting things about mainstream media is that it continues to put the glass back up, no matter how hard we try to tear it down. Queer desiring touches have been, and remain, imaginable but impossible. TL;DR ALTERNATE SUMMARY: THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME KIND OF INVISIBLE BARRIER IDK WHAT IT MIGHT BE

In regards to Good Omens, it's relevant that this entire conversation about homosocial relationships in media takes place within the 29 year period between the publication of Good Omens the book and the adaptation of the story to screen. The vid was created 15 years ago - which is to say 18 years after the book was published and 11 years before season 1 was released - and it talks about realised queer desire in mainstream media as being so impossible that it is equivalent to death. That is the kind of resistance that queer representation in pop culture has been up against, these last three decades.

Crowley/Aziraphale, as depicted in the book, is such a classic example of slash. I've seen some people who read the book in a contemporary context saying they didn't necessarily pick up on any subtext between the characters, and I suspect this is a mark of cultural expectations. Firstly, because the cultural references that the intentional subtext relies on have become obscured over time - see Neil Gaiman's explanation of the "consenting cycle repairmen" line. But more importantly because the audience's frame of reference for unintentional subtext has shifted, too. What is unsayable and which silences are emotionally loaded has changed over time. Even if you are intentionally using a queer lens in your reading, you might not see subtext in the same places that someone would even 10 years ago.

For example, take this passage from the book:

On the whole, neither [Aziraphale] nor Crowley would have chosen each other's company, but they were both men, or at least men-shaped creatures, of the world, and the Arrangement had worked to their advantage all this time. Besides, you grew accustomed to the only other face that had been around more or less consistently for six millennia.

On it's face, this line suggests that the relationship between the two of them is a matter of convenience more than desire. Maybe that's the intended reading and maybe that's how it started or how they justify their association to themselves, but taken together with how deeply they know each other and how they are always each other's first thought in a crisis, suddenly "neither would have chosen the other's company" sounds like an extremely British way to say they care about each other far more than they were supposed to. Plus, this is Aziraphale's take on their relationship, and it plays rather beautifully against Crowley's much simpler expression of the exact same sentiment:

Aziraphale. The Enemy, of course. But an enemy for six thousand years now, which made him a sort of friend.

To go back to Henry Jenkin's wise words, what we're seeing here is Aziraphale thinking about Crowley through the glass - through the "aspects of traditional masculinity which prevent emotional expressiveness or physical intimacy between men". If you came up in slash fandom at a time when seeing queer relationships in canon was unthinkable, you probably find it easier to identify the gap between how Aziraphale thinks about his relationship with Crowley and how their relationship actually functions. That gap was where a lot of slash lived.

You might say that the book shows Crowley and Aziraphale watching each other through the glass, and season 1 is them pressing up against it. They're still prevented from showing the full depth of feeling between them, they still hunger for more than they're allowed, but they are reaching for it. We see the history of their relationship developing through the ages. The unsayable is still left unsaid, but we feel the weight of it in everything they do. They come so very close but they still can't cross that threshold.

And then there's season 2. Within the text, Crowley and Aziraphale are not just pressing against the glass, they're actively trying to dismantle it. They're searching for a door to the other side. They're inspecting for weak points where they could cut their way through. And then suddenly they're out of time and out of options and the glass is still between them, and there's nothing they can do.

As the audience, you feel that desperation. You feel that grief. And if you're someone who's been watching the glass go back up on every relationship you thought might stand a chance of tearing it down, it hits hard. You're longing vicariously with the characters, but you're longing for yourself too, to see queer desire made possible. To see queer touch made not just imaginable but real.

And then, with all hope lost, Crowley throws himself through the glass. It doesn't matter that it doesn't save them. They kiss and it changes everything. Queer desire is no longer up for debate. Queer touch is no longer impossible. They kiss and the glass shatters, entirely and irrevocably.

This is why it matters so much that they did kiss, even though the love between them was already undeniable. For thirty years, Crowley and Aziraphale were part of a media landscape that relentlessly reinforced the glass at every turn and flooded fatal radiation through any crack they couldn't fix. In a different context, that kiss would be less vital to affirming their relationship. But in the world we live in, with the specific history that this story has, I don't think anything else could have done what it did. The glass between these characters had been reinforced over decades, in a culture that made the barriers to open intimacy between men inescapable. Their kiss was what it took to break it.

And by shattering the glass, this story has fundamentally rewritten what is possible. It proves the rules preventing true affection between people of the same gender can be defied. Queer people are already becoming more visible in pop culture; we're no longer reliant on slash reimagining queer longing between heterosexual leads. But Crowley and Aziraphale's kiss is cathartic and vindicating in an entirely different way. It turns slash into intentional queerness. It takes a fetishisation of oppression vacillating between problematic and transformative, and finally stands up on the side of powerful, empowering transformation. It confronts the barriers that once rendered this desiring touch impossible, and breaks through them once and for all.

That's what taking away the glass means. That's what Good Omens did.

#good omens #good omens meta #taking away the glass #fandom history #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #fable talks good omens

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sophietv · 1 year

Text

Kaylor Timeline BEFORE VSFS 2013

It's a thread I did on my Twitter that I'll transfer here.

Once again, I used amazing Tumblr posts to do it. So I'll credit them as we go (If I need to do something else tell me, I'm new to the Tumblr etiquette).

So the official story is that Taylor and Karlie crossed path a couple of times without interacting and met for the first time at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show in 2013 🤔

Well they met A LOT of times and interacted before actually 😅

Let's see the Timeline before that VSFS in 2013!

***I'll edit this post as I find new interactions (because I feel like I'll find a lot of them) I'll add this 🆕 beside new additions and dates when it was added at the end of the post.

First meeting!

So what motivated my thread in the first place is this Interview Taylor did in 2014 with Andrew Bevan of Teen Vogue.

Here's the YouTube Link (X)

But here's the most important part of that interview:

He is saying that he introduced Karlie and Emma Stone to Taylor!!

Ok we know that Taylor met Emma at the 2008 Young Hollywood Award.

I don't think though that he is talking about that event. Because he says that he congratulated her for her cover.

Taylor did two covers with Teen Vogue, one in 2009 and one in 2011.

Following the Timeline and everything it's most likely the March 2009 one:

EDIT:

Thanks to this Anon! (X)

A magazine cover is planned 2-8 months in advance, up to a year for major celebrities.

The Young Hollywood Award was on late April 2008 and the cover was for March 2009 so it make sense.

So it's most likely that Taylor met karlie for the first time at the same event she met Emma for the first time.

🆕 Really cute fact.

On the Cover of that magazine, Taylor wears a dress from the Calvin Klein Spring 2009 show. (X)

Guess who walked that runway??

Karlie! (X)

I exceeded the limit of picture so click on the (X) to see the posts.

Tommy Hilfiger spring 2010 collection:

Septembre 16th 2009 Taylor attends the Tommy Hilfiger Spring Show during New York Fashion Week. (X)

Karlie was there too! (X)

In this post, you can see videos of Taylor watching Karlie on the runway: (X)

Here's the YouTube video : (X)

🆕Met Gala 2010:

They were both at the Met Gala in 2010

🆕In Milan together

Although they were not at the same Fashion Show (that we know) Taylor and Karlie were in Milan at the same time during the Fashion Week.

Another interesting facts. This could explain the "1958" reference of Timeless:

Thanks to Izg on Twitter for giving me this!!

Roberto Cavalli 40th Anniversary Party:

Septembre 30th 2010

Taylor and Karlie attends the Roberto Cavalli 40th Anniversary party in Paris.

Met Gala 2011:

May 2nd 2011

Karlie and Taylor both attend the Met Gala:

This is also the first time that we have confirmation of an interaction between them:

Thanks to that amazing post! (X)

Karlie said in Teen Vogue that they joked about having a baking date.

Rodarte Spring 2012 fashion show:

Septembre 13th 2011

Taylor attend Rodarte Spring 2012 fashion show where Karlie walks.

Here's a link to the video (X)

Vogue Febuary 2012:

January 17th 2012

Taylor mentions Karlie in her Vogue interview: "I love Karlie Kloss! I Want to bake cookies with her!"

And this quote, made history.

Karlie answers the same day:

Vogue Fashion's Night Out:

August 2012

Thanks to this post (X)

Taylor and Karlie star in the same commercial about Vogue Fashion Night Out:

youtube

Thanks to @hairpinraindrop for the video

Karlie and Taylor were present at the event too on Septembre 6th 2012

youtube

Paris 2012:

Septembre 30th 2012

Karlie walks the runway for Jean-Paul Gauthier in Paris:

Taylor is in Paris at the same time to film the Begin Again MV:

Funny Koincidence(?), I went back and watch that MV again, and look at the opening scene!

The Love Lock Bridge!!!

Elie Saab Spring Summer 2013 show:

Octobre 3rd 2012

Taylor is still in Paris and attends The Paris Fashion Week (X) at a fashion show where I'm pretty sure Karlie walked (I'm still searching for photos/videos).

But we know that Karlie was at the Paris Fashion Week too! (Thanks Astra!)

Here's a video:

youtube

🆕Met Gala 2013

They were also both at the Met Gala in 2013. Wich was in May.

So there you have it! All of Kaylor interaction BEFORE the 2013 VSFS!

This explains the timing of it all.

Because they allegedly met at the 2013 Victoria Secret Fashion Show in Novembre.

But as we know, Taylor moved to New York because Karlie asked her:

youtube

Timestamp 1:23

And people believe that she moved there after their Big Sur trip in March 2014.

Actually. Back in January 2014, Taylor was already looking to buy an appartment near Karlie's:

And she actually bought her Tribeca oenthouse in February.

Thanks to Bigsurlor for this!!

So they definitly knew each other before 2013!

Edit August 19 2023: Met Gala 2010, Milan trip together and Met Gala 2013 and the appartment hunting

Edit August 27th 2023: the Calvin Klein Spring 2009 dress section

#gaylor #kaylor #lsk #lgbetty #karlie kloss #taylor swift #timeline #mastermind #invisible string #your past and mine are parallel lines #Youtube

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thechekhov · 1 year

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Drinking Anon here.

This is what I was talking about, the Nomiai: https://www.nomunication.jp/japans-business-drinking-culture/

I knew it was more of a Japanese business 'ideal' tradition. I was just wondering if it extended to school teachers. The idea that you "HAVE" to go drinking if invited otherwise its an affront to someone's honor.

....alright, having looked at the website, here is my critical analysis of this:

This guy, Whiskey Richard, who 'has been exploring the Tokyo cocktail scene since 2008' may have a basis for what he's saying but please keep in mind the following:

He's in Tokyo, where the drinking scene AND business is larger comparably, and it's easier to find drinking buddies and older colleagues who may want to pressure you to go

He has clearly made a business of explaining 'Japanese drinking culture'. His main site is about advertising distilleries and reviewing them. He didn't write this article only because he wanted to Share The Deep Japanese Lore with foreigners. He's angling for a specific type of feeling. A feeling that helps buy what he's selling.

With all that in mind and our reasonably angled Skeptic hat cocked (a hat you should always have on, btw, so long as it is not glued to your head) let's review the rest of it.

Does Japan have a culture of drinking with coworkers? Yes.

Are nomikai a unique event that has a specific structure different to a standard 'out with the lads for a few beers' type scenario? Yes, absolutely. It's a more structural event.

Do Japanese businessmen take advantage of a more casual environment like a bar or izakaya to suss out who is a genuine person and who might be a pain to work with?

I believe yes. This is not a far stone to throw.

Are you going to be affronting someone's 'honor' by refusing to go drinking with them?

Absolutely fucking not. And if they think so, they're a shitnugget.

It also should be noted that the author correctly writes that this is specifically a salaryman business thing rather than something that affects all areas of the workplace. He does start with 'If you're in Tokyo on business...' after all.

Sure, your business partner may invite you to go drinking with them to try to get an idea for your non-professional side. That's no different than someone inviting you to a business lunch. I think the business side of things is more important here than the alcohol element, though. The point is that if you're in a foreign country and someone invites you to join them in a social event that takes place in a traditional restaurant, turning down the invite may indicate that you're not really that invested in the relationship.

And most people will reasonably understand if you have a real excuse, or don't really drink. Especially these days. Hell, I work in a Japanese office and I get invited to nomikai and often turn the invitation down because I have an hour drive back home and no way of getting back if I'm drunk. And I've never gotten flack for it, nor has anyone ever suggested I've dishonored them for it. If I was seeking new employment and was invited out for drinks, I might try to make that happen, if only to satisfy the social request to meet up. ...I also enjoy a drink every now and then.

Like I said, the article in question isn't necessarily wrong... but I think it goes a little too hard, digesting every single detail and milking it for all the 'mysticism' it's got instead of presenting it through a reasonably comparable lens of Western drinking culture.

All I'm saying is... look if I had a potluck catering company and I needed to sell my stuff to Japanese people in the US, you bet your ass I'd make a site about how Sacred the potluck is to the Americans and how important it is to bring The Correct Thing. So I respect the hustle. But I think anything about The Complete and Utter Uniqueness of Japan should be taken with a grain of salt.

#chekhov answers

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johanna-swann · 4 months

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As per my last post, I re-watched Hen begins (again) because I want to keep the fic I'm working on as canon compliant as possible. And Tommy's behaviour in the scene where they talk about Twilight and then Gerrard goes on his misogynist rant baffles me. (This is a "talking to a rubber duck" post and it'll be long, so I'll put the rest under the cut.)

(Also before you come at me, I'm aware they probably hadn't planned to make Tommy queer at that point in the show, but I'll go ahead and try to make sense of it anyway.)

Because okay, from what we heard in 7x05 Tommy is gay and was aware of it when he was at the 118. He isn't like Buck who at some point later figured out "oh, I like men too". But in that Hen begins scene he seems remarkably chill for a closeted gay guy.

He even brings attention to the fact that he doesn't like a woman (who's considered hot by other men) instead of just agreeing with Sal which would've been the easy route. Just say "hm, me too" instead of "I don't get that" and be done with it. Interesting tactic from someone who is still busy sight-seeing in Narnia.

Then comes the "Team Jacob" reference. At first I thought he was deflecting the accusation, he seemed pretty serious and a little caught off guard for a second there, but in the end he blows a kiss Sal's way and his laugh seems genuine. So I suppose he really just didn't get the "Team Jacob" comment.

Now I will just go ahead and assume they're talking about the first Twilight movie which came out in November 2008, so Tommy has been with the 118 for at least 4 or 5 years. My explanation is that I think he's grown used to these kinds of jokes being thrown around and maybe just perceives it as harmless banter between him and Sal at that point. Also Tommy's been successfully hiding in the closet for so long that he's maybe not scared of being found out at any moment anymore.

The other half of the scene is also interesting, but before I get to that - I am not glossing over the "New York bitchiness" comment. I think that too was just harmless banter in Tommy's eyes and that he and Chimney basically meant the same thing, but Chim used much better words ("east coast vibe"). The use of the term "bitchiness" (especially from a guy like Tommy to a woman like Hen with the given context) was uncalled for and Chim rightfully called Tommy out for it.

(A lot of the bigoted jokes made during the early "begins" episodes seem more thoughtlessly rude than actually mean-spirited. It's still wrong, it's just an observation.)

Back to the rest of the scene. During Gerrard's litany of sexism we don't see Tommy (which totally makes sense, this episdode isn't about him), Sal however doesn't really show any emotion at all. By the end of Gerrard's rant Sal seems almost resigned(?), nods at Tommy to follow him to the kitchen and I think they start a conversation in the background. It's hard to tell though.

I think that was the moment it clicked into place for Tommy and Sal (they're kind of a package deal in Hen begins) that Gerrard wasn't just being thoughtlessly, casually discriminating, that man was a raging bigot who continued his harassment of an employee even after she had already proved she could bring a lot to the table in this job.

I think that's when they started to talk about Gerrard's behaviour and soon after began writing complaints. Hen's speech, the limo crash and Gerrard being fired all seem to happen in very quick succession, so it must've been something else, something that happened a lot earlier that triggered the "numerous" and "colourful" complaints from "more than a few" colleagues.

So yeah, I think that Twilight scene was when Tommy got started on his road from silent complicity to speaking up and being himself.

#Hen was so right for her comment about the difference between being invisible or a threat #Chimney had a harder time than other probies while settling in but in the end he was still one of the guys #Tommy was gay but straight passing #Gerrard's aggressiveness was dialed up to 11 when Hen showed up though #which in turn made the boys club realise a few things #long post #911 abc #tommy kinard #captain gerrard #sal deluca #scene analysis #hen begins

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spider-jaysart · 2 years

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I feel like Damian is being brought into the live action DC universe way too soon

I wish that they would've just waited a little longer to bring him in, just like how the MCU did with Tom Holland's Spider-man, cause Iron man 1 was the very first MCU movie that was released in 2008 but they waited till 2017 to introduce us to the young web head in their movies universe

They should've just introduced kid!Dick, kid!Jason, and kid!Tim as young Robins first for the first few movies, and let them team up with Batman first, cause then it would've given us and new audiences a chance to grow with them and care about them in that universe first and it would also let us get to know about their stories in that world

We also would have gotten the chance to see in live action how different their team up dynamics as Robin were with Batman when they were younger and were fighting crime together and also would have given us wholesome scenes to see when they're bonding with Bruce as Father and son, not that I'm saying that we can't have wholesome Father and Son moments and stuff like that with Bruce and Damian, I just feel like we should be growing with Dick and the rest of the Batkids as young Robins first so that we can grow with their characters first as they become more of their own characters outside of the Robin persona (like later becoming Nightwing and Red hood as adults in future movies as their stories keep moving forward for example) before letting us actually meet Damian on the big screen so that we can already know about them and their history and already care about them as characters when they're already adults in these future live action movies

Idk, I just would have liked to have seen an evolution of the other Batkids when they were growing up with Bruce as young Robins first before introducing Damian and his story to us, because this is just something that feels too soon for him in my opinion!!

But for now, I can just only hope that they don't mess up my boy terribly in this new upcoming movie and just make him some evil child or whatever, cause I am very scared that they might do that to him and many other things!!😭😭😭😭

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alpaca-clouds · 1 year

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Remembering Digimon Alpha Generation

(Commission done by mel0dy)

Given it is still Digimon month, I cannot help but be kinda nostalgic about the fandom. Because, again, it was my longest hyperfixation. I had other hyperfixations, yes, but not a single one lasted me as long as Digimon did.

And I just wanna ramble about my Digimon fanseries that I wrote back then.

The year was 2006 when I created a goggle boy named Yuki Denrei for what was originally meant to be an RPG maker fangame, on which I was writing. But the team around that fangame kinda broke apart so by 2008 I was kinda like: "Hey, maybe I gotta make something else with this character." And then: "Hey, doesn't it kinda suck, that Digimon Tamers never got a sequel?"

So I sat down and started writing on my own sequel for Digimon Tamers. It was called Digimon Alpha Generation. The idea at the time came from the fact that we did have the Card Game Alpha (that did not last quite that long) happening at the time. And so I just made the hook that the main characters here were using Digivices to scan the Card Game Alpha Cards, rather than those of the original card game.

Now, my own writing back then was still kinda a mess, but the story went something like this:

The year is 2008, when rebellious teenager Yuki Denrei gets a mysterious invite to a card game fight. The girl who had challenged him is a weird one, though. As they talk she wants to find out which is the card he trusts over all others. And when he is unable to give a proper answer, she summons a Digimon on him. A real Digimon! The only reason Denrei survives this encounter is, that suddenly a card from his deck materializes into Dracomon. Soon enough, Denrei finds out that there are other Digimon Tamers around. Teenagers like him, who have Digimon partners. But again and again that mysterious girl keeps showing up, challenging and the other tamers into fights...

Again, my writing back then was messy as fuck. It took me years to complete the story (that ended up with about 250k words) and I did not have a concrete plan where I was going with it the entire time.

All I knew at the beginning was, that I wanted to have the demon lords as antagonists and wanted to have a more international story happening. Which is why the entire middle arc has the tamers world travelling.

It was an interesting experience as a writer, though.

I knew from the very beginning, that the main trio for this story was gonna be Denrei, a lone wolf character named Shoji, and a now 14yo Shiuchon. Due to Shiuchon having her partner from the very beginning, she is in fact the first one out of this trio reaching the Ultimate level (in the half-way final).

But it was interesting as given I had only rough ideas plotted out, I could kinda react to what the readers at the time were thinking. For example, the peopled fucking adored Shoji (he ended up as the fan favorite character out of all the Digimon Tamers stuff I wrote), so I gave him more scenes. And folks started shipping Denrei and Shiuchon, so I gave the two of them more scenes together and had them end up together in a later story.

I personally loved Denrei, because man I wrote a lot of my parent related anger issues into this character. But I also had so much fun writing Shiuchon in this as a type of character we really never quite got in Digimon. A female, very straight forward character who just says it as it is. And also... is kinda flirty with everyone. xD

At times I still wanna translate the story into English. But then again: 250k - and the sequel story has anther 250k. So a total of 500k - and that is without all the side stories.

And again, it was kinda a mess. So the temptation would be there to rather do a rewrite of Alpha Generation. I don't know. Just thinking.

Might talk about the sequel, too, in the coming days.

(Commission artwork by mel0dy.)

#digimon #digimon tamers #digimon fanseries #digimon fan season #fanseries #digimon tamers sequel #digimon fanfiction #fanfiction #nostalgia

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sleepychailatte-blog · 8 months

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When I was in school, there seem to be a camp of two types of girls when it came to literary choices. You had the Twilight/vampire romance girlies and the Hunger Games/dystopian gals, and you would have thought these two groups were the two families from Romeo and Juliet. Yours truly was part of the Hunger Games camp, and middle-school me was obsessed. I’m talking book and movie premieres, Team Peeta shirts from Hot Topic, wearing a mocking jay pin publicly, the whole gambit. God forbid if you read Twilight, that poorly written, low-brow, dumb, vampire romance. We were the readers of dystopian fiction, which was superior because it made you FEEL things about capitalism, broken societies, being true to yourself, etc. etc. etc.

It’s been over a decade since 2008. To all my Twilight girlies, I would like to offer you my most sincere apologies. I should not have judged you so harshly.

Recently I watched Twilight for the very first time as an adult. A friend of mine came over for a painting/movie night, and Twilight was our featured film. I knew the memes, I knew roughly what the plot was, but I wasn’t ready for the experience that was to come.

So without further ado, I’d like to offer my thoughts and review on the 2008 masterpiece, Twilight. If you aren’t familiar with the Twilight story, go read a quick synopsis and then come back.

🌘So, did you like it?

I had an absolute blast watching this movie. Would I say it’s a good movie? Probably not. Did it age well? Nope. But it was delightfully cringey, as you had to suspend all believe of realism. You couldn’t take this movie too seriously, because this movie took ITSELF way too seriously. It’s like they cranked the drama/teen angst meter up to 100 and everything seems so life-or-death…even though the main characters, Bella and Edward, are 17 year old juniors (ok so Edward actually isn’t 17 because he’s an old vampire but you get what I’m saying). It was very much that kind of relationship where “they can’t even bear to be apart or they will DIE” oh no how tragic (I think we now call that co-dependency).

When I was 17, I sure as heck didn’t know what love was. But again, this story is based in absolute fantasy, not realism, and that’s the fun part. Oh to be swept off your feet by a mysterious, handsome, brooding vampire that you met in your biology class!

🌓Favorite part of the film?

The script for this movie is pretty bad, I’m not gonna lie, and that’s part of the charm. It’s so bad, that it’s kinda good. Here’s some of my favorite quotes:

“You better hold on tight, spider monkey." -Edward to Bella because he can jump really high and run really fast. I about peed my pants from laughing when Edward said this.

“This is the skin of a killer, Bella." -Edward to Bella because vampire skin *literally sparkles* in direct sunlight. Again, almost peed my pants.

I will say that I love Edward’s family, the Cullens, as a whole. This vampire family tries to cook a regular meal for Bella, Edward’s human girlfriend, and oh my heart. Vampires don’t cook because they don’t eat normal food; the Cullen family had never used the kitchen in their house. The fact that they would go out of their way and attempt to do something so foreign to them in order to make the human girlfriend feel comfortable? Um, wow that’s actually really sweet.

Also, shout out to Bella‘s dad, Charlie for actually trying to connect with his daughter. Bella and Charlie have a bit of an awkward and tense relationship but this doesn’t stop Charlie from trying to be a good dad. I will say that one of my other favorite scenes was when Bella asked her dad if he wanted to meet her boyfriend Edward… while he was cleaning his shotgun. When he said, “sure, send (your boyfriend) in” and loudly snapped his shotgun shut, I about lost it. What a dad move! A national treasure.

🌒Would you watch it again?

Under the right circumstances. I would need either anesthesia or a large sangria. If I ever showed this film to my children, it would be for a study of what not to do in a relationship. If your significant other says “I can’t live without you” when you’re 17…that’s some big creepy co-decency energy.

🌑Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Um Team Charlie all the way. Hands down the best and most sane character in this whole film. We love to see a dad do his best and love his daughter…even when she starts dating a super weird pale dude.

🌘Conclusion

Watching this film made me think about guilty pleasures. We all have them, and they all look different at unique stages of our life. One of my favorite guilty pleasures is watching Judge Judy. My 70 year-old grandmother used to watch the Bachelor. For a friend of mine, it’s those cheesy Hallmark Channel movies. Others enjoy vampire romance novels. Are these things high-quality and sophisticated? No. Are they of good taste? Meh. But they are meant to be enjoyed, and that’s the whole point.

Twilight is the same way. Is it good? Not really. But that doesn’t matter, because it’s a cringey/angsty teen fantasy that’s meant to be enjoyed.

You can be both a Twilight girlie and a Hunger Games gal, and still have a pretty darn good time 🖤

#twilight saga #twilight meme #edward cullen #bella swan #movie review #twilight movies #spider monkey

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13eyond13 · 8 months

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Hi I have a question was there any deathnote ship wars (misalight vs lawlight or something) when the anime came out?

Hmm! I was not in the fandom early enough to see the very earliest stuff going on. I got into it close to 2008, and by then the anime was already out (though the English dub was not available to me to watch yet); the volume 13 behind-the-scenes book was out, the two novels L: Change the WorLd and Death Note: Another Note were out, and the first two Japanese live action movies were also out, too.

HOWEVER from what I recall the same main ships that are popular now were the most popular ones back then (Lawlight and M²/MattxMello), and the "wars" were usually more around whether or not people liked characters or even wanted to see them shipped at all, or even included at all in stuff? Misa was probably the one who got the most hate and most pointed exclusion from fan content, followed shortly by Near. People often said they didn't like Misa or didn't want to see her included in fan content because she was annoying and got in the way of Lawlight. It was almost like you were just asking to be flamed by even daring to put her in a fic – you didn't even have to be shipping her with one of the guys in it. And many didn't like Near because they thought he was a more boring version of L, or not hot enough to ship.

I guess M² was probably at odds with Meronia even more back then than it sometimes is now, too – Meronia content was very rare to find in comparison to M² content back then. And I distinctly remember an email from my first fandom friend in 2008, who had been in the fandom a while longer than me and was explaining some of that drama to me – both of us were mostly into Lawlight and not that interested in the successor arc, but even she told me she secretly found M² and Matt's immense popularity in the fandom a bit stupid, because she thought Matt was too irrelevant of a character for all the fuss he gets, and that Meronia at least seemed more interesting to her based on how the story goes. I would say I see the most "shipping war" type behaviour over whether people like shipping Mello with Matt more or with Near more still even now.

People also liked to argue a lot over whether or not they saw the characters in gay ships as tops or bottoms (though they'd usually say "seme" or "uke" back then instead) - in the 2000s you didn't have catch-all ship nicknames like Lawlight, and you had to tag the top/bottom very carefully in fics by the order you tagged the names in the ship (eg. "LxLight" if L is the top, and "LightxL" if Light is the top - they were treated almost like separate ships, and I don't think there was an easy way to talk about the ship without making a statement about their position preferences when you did). You can probably see what I mean in the older fics in the fandom that are still available on fanfiction.net (as this fandom pre-dates AO3 by quite a bit, so many of the fics from the height of its popularity in the 2000s were posted on fanfiction.net or LiveJournal and other such sites instead).

Overall I'd say though many things now are still vaguely similar in the fandom to how they were back then, people have gotten a little less dramatic and more "to each their own" about not telling other people off for being into DN characters or ships that they personally don't enjoy. And I feel now there's a lot more rare pair appreciation and appreciation of the female characters and more minor characters, and of ships that are interesting to explore more because of the writing possibilities than just because they make for the hottest stereotypical yaoi, if that makes sense. 😆

#ask #anon #p #death note #vintage fandom shit

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arysguide · 8 months

Text

a song a week: #8

I went to Emo Night yesterday and it dislodged a lot more teenage angst than I was prepared for. I'll be honest, I enjoy the music but it's not that nostalgic for me. I wasn't really that type of emo growing up. As a little girl I misguidedly really wished I could be scene, and I tried teasing my hair and spraying it with hairspray but it didn't accomplish anything, because I wasn't allowed to take a razor to it and give myself bangs. As a teen I was actually a lot more into Tyler the Creator, I listened to some Panic! At The Disco, then got into extreme metal, and I only really got the hype around My Chemical Romance after I graduated high school. So basically I'm a poser, but today I'm gonna talk about a song that some people consider emo:

(WOW) I Can Get Sexual Too - Say Anything (2003)

I only heard this song very recently and I've become obsessed with it. Somehow it felt instantly familiar, even though I'm certain I had never heard of it before.

This is douchebag music. In the mid-2000s it seems like acts from across the musical spectrum were trying to out-edge each-other with blatantly sexual and frankly misogynistic lyrics - but emo and pop punk bands got a particular reputation for overly whiny songs about women. At the same time it was tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or, or, ironic, right? It's actually really funny and clever if you think about it, right? Because it's self-aware, that makes it almost kind of cute, no? For reference, see The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For (2006), or Panic! At The Disco's Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (2005).

It wasn't just emo - check out any of the songs 3OH!3 released around this time. (I'll admit it - watching the music video for STARSTRUKK (2008) for the first time was a life-changing experience for me.) Blink-182's influence on the pop landscape surely had a lot to do with this development, here's a really good video about that by Trash Theory. And then of course there's the kings of self-deprecating rock, Weezer (dubbed losercore down bad music by NeoPunkFM).

Of course there's nothing new under the sun, there's plenty of classic rock songs about vapid and naive young women, sometimes explicitly about underage girls or groupies, countless songs about how libidinous and reckless young men are. What sets this wave of mid-2000s pop punk apart is the nudge and wink at social commentary - now you can dance along to a song about acting like a total dirtbag and giving into your basest impulse, but it's not "real", it's a caricature and not meant to be taken seriously. Sex still sells, but these bands had something to say about it. Sort of. By 2013, multiple articles had been written on this phenomenon of 'hipster sexism' - "also known as ironic sexism or liberal sexism, 'hipster sexism' is the notion that if sexism done is tongue-in-cheek it's okay, even hilarious (Kelsey Wallace for BitchMedia)." A lot of women weren't keen on laughing along because a lot of these dudes turned out to be card-carrying misogynists. It wasn't even just the men, plenty of songs of this era are by women about… how vapid or slutty other women are. (See Paramore's Misery Business (2007), complete with calling someone a wh*re, and a music video in which Hayley Williams grabs another woman's chicken filets right out of her bra and wipes off her makeup.) There was a hateful and resentful edge to it that seems like a bastardisation of the genre's distant punk roots. Plenty of better writers than me have explored the way that celebrity and tabloid culture of this time resulted in a media landscape that was intensely objectifying and hateful towards women, full of contradictions.

Let's back this up - how is any of this related to the song this post is about? I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Being familiar with the music I mentioned above, that's what I automatically associated this with. But it actually came out before any of those, in 2003. Is it really douchebag music? Or just a song that happens to be about a douchebag?

It's so catchy, and it paints a picture, it's funny but really dark: this guy knows he's pursuing a girl he doesn't care about, because he's bored, and he's willing to lie just to get what he wants - oh brother, this guy STINKS! I love that it's explicitly about phone sex, and the line about "chatting on the interweb," it feels quaint now. I also love the irreverence of : "When she described her underwear, I forgot all the rules the rabbi taught me in the old shul." Here's a great article on the Yiddishkeit of Say Anything. In fact, the song Alive With The Glory of Love is inspired by Bemis' grandparents who survived the Holocaust.

In contrast to some of the less lyrically-inspired songs that came after it, it's a lot more about how heartless and empty the guy is, rather than making the girl the butt of the joke. In short, it's actually good satire. If you're not convinced it's meant to be self-deprecating satire, the rest of the album 'Is A Real Boy' will beat you over the head with it for 21 tracks straight. … And maybe listening to it too much is making me meaner. The track 'Admit It!' lampoons the hipster attitude mercilessly, while indicating that the singer realises he's really no better than them. Too bad the hipsters didn't get the message. Being sincere and wholesome was out of vogue for, like, the next decade. At least now, years later, we can admit we enjoy cute cats, craft beers and retro music un-ironically without making a whole production about it.

All that being said, something a lot more important has shifted in the meantime. Misogyny is decidedly uncool now, at least as far as mainstream pop is concerned. The late 2010s pop landscape seemed to be all about feminist and #girlboss moments. The 2017 #MeToo movement caused a lot of people in the entertainment industry to re-examine their role in creating an environment that is safe (or unsafe) for women. Jesse Lacey of Brand New was accused of sexual misconduct against an underage girl, which he did not deny. In light of that, Max Bemis chose to retire this song, writing on Twitter "It may speak partially of my flaws but it's mostly a sarcastic caricature of someone i've never been at all and is no longer appropriate during this crisis", "we all need to care more, respect women more, respect ourselves more and GIVE A SHIT" and finally: "On a lighter, but direly important note, i don't want to hear about not hearing that song for the FIVE BILLIONTH time this tour from us because it's not REALLY on is a real boy. it now belongs to you, official emo night. go have fun." (For the full thing see this AltPress article.)

So where does that leave us? If even Max Bemis himself disavowed this song, why am I still so compelled by music like this? Does that make me a bad feminist? Is it an internalised misogyny thing? Yeesh. I'm still not totally sure. There's something fascinating to me about the vulgar display of selfishness in this song - it feels like the ultimate taboo. Everything about the way I've dealt with sex and relationships is incredibly neurotic, so there's something cathartic about pretending to be someone without any of those hangups for 3 minutes at a time. It confronts me with my own impulses towards selfishness, and ways I've been selfish in relationships in the past. It's a cautionary tale that works both ways: a) there's something seductive about the idea of behaving so recklessly but you better be prepared for the guilt that comes with it, and b) if I was the girl in this song I would really despise this guy.

These YouTube comments express it a lot more succinctly than I have:

At this rate I'll be heading for electric chairs I'm only human with my cross to bear When she described her underwear I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old shul You're too young to be this empty girl I'll prepare you for a sick, dark world Know that you will be my downfall But I call, and I call, and I call

youtube

For a longer and more informed discussion of some of the things I mentioned: check out The Misogyny of Third Wave Emo and Pop Punk on the Podcast 'Stuff Mom Never Told You'.

#Youtube #say anything #emo #2000s emo #third wave emo #pop punk #hipster sexism #asongaweek

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tenthhdoctor · 10 months

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I was going to let this go, but I can't stand it anymore.

What is UP with Evilive and Australia???

(This is a joke btw and not at all serious I love this show)

Okay, so I haven't heard of an 'E2' class Australian visa. No big deal. But it made me curious as to what it was, so I briefly looked for information on what visas Australia had in 2008 and...I couldn't find anything referencing an E2 visa for someone emigrating from South Korea to Australia. What I can find is an E2 class visa for someone emigrating from Australia to South Korea. I can also find an E2 visa for someone emigrating to the US.

So: 1. I'm dumb and missed something. 2. The writers were familiar with E2 visas because South Korea has them, and the US has them, so like...who would notice?

(Side note: They are emigrating to Sydney!!! Whoo NSW representation!!!)

But this...this was what broke me:

???

??????

Okay. So, you're exporting to...Sydney? Maybe? Sure, lets go with that because literally nothing else makes sense (except Newcastle??? Which has a major port, apparently). And then bypassing Brisbane to ship to...Gladstone, Queensland? Okay, sure. I googled it and they seem to...export a lot of stuff, and have a major port there, so maybe they import too?

And then...what.

Where even IS that in WA (Western Australia)???

Oh! I looked it up and it's most likely Port Hedland, which is apparently another major port! The largest bulk...export...port in the world, supposedly. But maybe they import as well? (Okay, so it DOES import, but wow the difference between the import and export numbers is...a lot. Wikipedia even has 2008 statistics. Neat!)

Wow, the attention to detail sure is great in this show, but...uh...

Why???? Coal????

Why are you shipping our major export, that we export to you, our #3 export market in 2008...back to us?????

Like...it's just about the only thing we do. We export coal. I learned about our coal industry in school. Our richest person is a billonaire mining magnate. One of our former Prime Ministers became a joke for saying, "Coal is good for humanity." And then my university lecturer for Environmental Law got so pissed she put the quote in our final exam as an essay question.

But I digress.

I still looked it up to see if we import coal and export it, and the answer is...no. We do not.

LNG and ORE are also unlikely, as they're some of our other major exports (well, Iron Ore is). I can't find a lot of data from 2008 specifically, but the 2016-2019 data isn't good (compare imports on pages 52-53 with exports pages 54-56) and it seems recently (2021-2022) our major imports from South Korea included refined petroleum and cars. Not Ore and LNG. However, despite being the #1 exporter in the world for Iron Ore in 2021, we were the #42 importer of it too, so that one's possible imo. LNG though? Not as likely as ORE, because we export it and seem to supply it domestically, but way more likely than Coal.

Conclusion?

For a scene that barely lasts 2 seconds, the level of detail is crazy. I'm genuinely very impressed.

Also. It is hilarious that Seo Do Young was planning to sell us coal. The end.

#evilive #evillive #biography of a villain #PS it's VEEEERY funny that Han Dong Soo's arsonist mother #was going to come to Australia of all places #bushfire nation of the world #AND IN 2008 #like my guy you should be soooo glad you stayed in South Korea actually #PPS I couldn't figure out was 'WA US' and 'EA US' meant #and I JUST realised it means 'West Australia' and 'East Australia'#West Australia and East Australia and GLADSTONE #I'm deceased

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shoechoe · 2 months

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3 least favorite movies :]

Disaster Movie (2008). I'm not just throwing this in because it's notoriously hated- I have bad memories with this one because my parents were watching it in the living room when I was little and I walked in during that Alvin and the Chipmunks parody scene (this) and it scared me so badly I was terrified for like the next few days. Anyways that entire movie series is completely terrible. Some pure Adult Comedy :tm: garbage made by people who have no idea how to be funny so they just "parody" things with vulgarity and mean-spirited sarcasm that's draining to watch. Completely irritating experience that makes you feel annoyed at the people who wrote it. The props and special effects are terrible too which doesn't help lol.

That Drawn Together movie... Okay so I've never actually watched a full episode of the show, just clips and plot summaries of episodes (it's bad lol. It's basically a collection of various types of common children's cartoon characters parodying themselves by being vulgar and offensive. There's a ridiculous amount of racist jokes specifically to the point where two of the main characters are racist caricatures.) However when I learned there was a movie that was apparently so bad that even the fans hated it, I got curious so I checked it out and I think I lasted like half an hour before I dipped. Very Adult Cartoon:tm: unwatchable sludge. (I will say I still found the worst episodes of Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon worse, if only because APC has some of my personal least favorite types of gross-out humor and also the most ridiculously dragged out jokes imaginable because none of the episodes have enough content to fit the 24-minute runtime. In fact there's even a 40-minute episode for some fucking reason despite it also only having enough content for like ten minutes, watching that shit might've been the slowest experience of my life...)

Curse of the Zodiac (2007)- okay so I might be cheating a bit here because I actually thoroughly enjoyed my time watching this but it's all that came to mind. My friends had a movie night a while ago and one of my friends (his name is Ethan) brought this movie for everyone to watch because the reviews were atrocious and he felt like being a troll. After a night of pretty well-made movies we got to this one and everyone was dying because of it and it was the funniest thing ever. Every time something absurd or stupid happened one of my friends would shout "Ethan what the FUCK IS THIS" and both Ethan and I were just laughing hysterically it was great. Everything about the movie is completely terrible and disorienting in production writing and everything and it would've been the most boring experience ever if I wasn't watching it with friends. A lesson about some movies being for-friend-films I suppose.

#this took some time to answer i had to think about it #i don't watch That many movies really and the ones i do watch i tend to like #asks #ask game #long posts #mutuals (epic)#not jojo related

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youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms · 1 year

Text

Don't Let Me Go (Part 2)

Words: 5921

Warnings: language, talk of alcohol/alcohol consumption, regret, Leon being a dick but for a kinda good reason, maybe ooc characters and probably bad writing

Resident Evil Masterlist Main Masterlist Join My Taglist

This also was originally written for my OC Tiffany (Whose info on her/original story will eventually be available on this account @imnotobsessedwfictionalchracters )

Leon and Hunnigan are PROBABLY OOC (as I suck at not being able to keep them from being OOC)

Actually find it fucking insane how long this thing is all together

This is it in multi-part form: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

This is it in one part form

Reader and Leon are partners with their job (have been since 2004/2005) and is insinuated to be around the same height as Leon

Not Proof-read and I think it can be seen every once and a while (I know you can see where my brain couldn't function how to write the scene so I just guessed and hoped for the best)

Can be read as its own story or as a sequel to You’re About To Lose The Best Damn Thing You’ve Ever Had

Losely has themes from the songs Never Say Never by The Fray, No Surprises by Radiohead, Afterglow by Taylor Swift, and Look After You by The Fray

Anywho, enjoy

Love Z <3

Leon’s POV

Leon, who had only been there because he was going over a report with Hunnigan, head snapped over towards Hunnigan the moment that Y/N ended the call. Worry spread through his body as they were unable to contact her back. He felt his knee unconsciously bouncing up and down as the computer kept beeping. He knew that he technically had no reason to be worried. Now, thanks to his own doing, all she was to him was another Agent. Not his partner. Not his girlfriend. Not even his friend. (Of course he didn’t know that the last part was all on his own)

“Why is it doing that? Why can’t you get back to her?”

“She blocked me from calling. Which means one of two things; she needed no distractions or she had to go semi-dark. I’m trying the other 4 members of her team and if they don’t respond, it means that they had to go dark too.”

Leon bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that the team originally consisted of 7 plus Y/N/N. The original 3 BSAA and 3 STRATCOM had been reduced to 1 BSAA and 2 of their own.

If he was going to be honest, Leon didn’t care about the team, he just cared about Y/N and if she was okay. He hadn’t meant to do what he did then just disappear. He meant to break up and let her be for a few days, a week tops, then talk to her. But then he got called in and had to leave immediately. He knew from Claire and Hunnigan both that she didn’t understand why it happened or what caused it. Which he knew was his own doing. He should have told her. He shouldn’t have just said that they weren’t gonna work out. Especially since on their previous mission together they had a run in with Ada.

But that wasn’t why he did it. No. It was because Stacey had been that person who they thought walked in. And as they had exited the training room, had messaged Leon to remind him that fraternizing with your partner was against the rules. He knew he should have just told Y/N why he was doing it, why he pulled away and why he treated her like shit for so long. But he couldn’t. He was scared that if he had, she would have argued with him and said it was fine. That they would figure it out together. It’s how she was and he knew it was.

Of course, he still felt horrible for what happened on New Years, he shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up just to crush them the following days. He shouldn’t have treated her the way that Ada would treat him. Shouldn’t have done something that would make her feel like he was using her in the moment because he needed something just to hurt her later.

----

December 31st of 2008/January 1st of 2009

Leon had gotten to her apartment earlier that day to help Y/N put up the decorations. But the entire time all that he had said to her was when he asked her to hand him something or made a comment about getting a drink or going to the bathroom. And then once Chris had arrived, surprisingly being the first, he had gone to talk to him. He had seen her leave from the corner of his eye, knowing she was changing out of the pajamas she had been in all day.

He had no idea what she was going to come out in, but as she came back from her bedroom, a glass of champagne having already been downed, he knew it would be hard to keep himself under control. He noticed that she was wearing that top she had not-so-secretly bought a few weeks ago. Or at least he assumed it was. He had never seen the one she was wearing and he knew she hadn’t worn that one top yet. It was paired with her stupid jeans that fit her perfectly and those stupid heels that he loved on her because for some reason it always turned him on when she was practically a head taller than him. He saw her necklace was the one he bought her for their first anniversary in 2007. The rings were the ones she always wore and he noted that she wore the bracelet that she had owned since highschool on her right wrist, opposite of the watch he got her back in 2006 after her previous one got destroyed on a mission. Thankfully it was her birthday too so he didn’t have to deal with her arguing too much so he could argue that it was a gift for her birthday and she couldn’t turn it away.

He remembered how she kept saying he didn’t have to and that it must’ve cost a fortune. He had just shrugged it off and said he knew she needed one and he thought she liked that one. And even now, over 2 years later, he still hasn't disclosed the price of it. Something he’d never do because he knew she’d give it back and feel horrible about it. Knowing the only reason she had accepted the necklace was because it was their anniversary and she had gotten him something he knew was expensive as hell.

But even then, he didn’t talk to her. He didn’t go near her. Even as the rest of the group got there. He occupied himself with drinking and talking with people. Even as he saw the look of desperation on her face as she talked to Jess and Claire. Even as he watched her walk back to her room with a face full of complete defeat written all over her face.

No. he stayed talking with Chris and her brother Joe while he knew she was likely standing in the bathroom that connected to her bedroom. While he knew that she was probably doing anything to distract herself from how he had been ignoring her. He knew she could hear him talking and laughing with them. He knew that it seemed like he was happier with everyone except for her. But he wasn’t. He hated this. Hated this hell he had created by not doing it already. This hell he had created for both of them where he knew she was feeling like a deflated balloon that he didn’t want anymore. When that was the complete opposite of what was true. God did he want her. God did he not want to have to hurt her this way. All he wanted to do was hold her and tell her it would be okay.

Let her convince him that Stacey wouldn’t out their relationship and they would figure it out.

He got pulled out from the conversation when he heard a faint sound of something crashing in the back. He wasn’t sure if others had heard and chose to ignore it, or if it was just him who did since he was the closest to the hall. He stood and excused himself saying that he was gonna go check on her since they hadn’t seen her in a bit.

When he got to the back of the apartment, he looked in and saw that it had just been the cup that held their toothbrushes and pastes. He watched as she leaned down and grabbed the fallen contents. He realized that she didn’t even notice him there until she jumped as he laid a soft knock on the door.

He laughed softly, like he always did when she did this. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.” As she placed the cup back where it went, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. The jolt from her didn’t go unnoticed and his face went from one of playfulness to concern. “Hey, you okay?”

She nodded silently, and he saw that she was trying to keep her breathing steady. “Yeah. Sorry. I think I’m just getting tired. My body isn’t used to not having to be on edge 24/7.”

He knew she was lying. He could tell it in her voice. But he still cracked a small smile in an attempt to calm her down. “Can’t disagree with you there. But you seem genuinely freaked, like after a mission.” The smile switched to one of concern, “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

She nodded and turned to him, giving him a smile of her own. “Yeah. I am Lee. Promise.” Lee, the nickname she gave him after their first mission together when she got a concussion. He remembered that his name kept blanking on her (as did most people) so she just referred to him as Lee as it was all she could remember and it had stuck. He noticed as she looked down at her watch before looking back at him, “Hey, it’s 11:59, we should get back in there.”

He was about to go to move some hair from her face, but stopped before he even reached his hand. He knew it would leave her even more confused when he broke it off. He knew it would make it harder for him if he continued to act like a boyfriend. So he kept on telling himself that he was being a friend. Friends treat friends this way. He could still be this way with her even when he calls quits to save her reputation. “Are you sure? It seemed like you had left for a reason.”

He knew from the look on her face that he was the reason and it hurt. At first it was because he hated that he was treating her like this, leading her on. But then it was because he couldn’t feel that way. He had to pull away from her so it would hurt less when he broke it. But he felt his resolve falling and knew it was close to breaking.

“Yeah. I’m perfectly fine. I just needed to get away for a moment. You know how I am.”

He knew it was a lie. He knew she lied about something he wouldn’t call her out about. He studied her face and saw that she was doing everything to show she wasn’t lying. He knew she knew he was doing this. But he said nothing. He didn’t put her on the spot. Call her out. He just let her do it. Especially as everyone in her living room began to count down.

However, neither of them moved as their friends began down from 10. This was the closest he had been to her since Christmas. It was taking everything in him not to kiss her. Everything in him to not grab her face and pull it to his. But that entire work he was putting in was thrown out of the window the moment she brought her hand up and brushed some hair out of his face. And as she leaned in to him when their friends reached one, his thoughts to push her away were thrown out the window. As she placed a kiss on his lips. He heard nothing as he felt her softer lips on his own chapped ones.

As she pulled her lips away from his, any control that had been left there disappeared as his hands on her cheeks and he slammed his back onto hers. The moment she let out a tiny gasp, he slipped his tongue into her mouth. He felt her arms wrap around his neck as he began moving them to the sink. Only stopping when the back of her legs met her sink.

He pulled away for a moment, just to bring his lips down to her neck. And between kisses he asked a question that plagued him since he saw her come out in it. “Is this...a new...top?” He heard her humming in response, eliciting a small chuckle from him. “Is that a yes baby?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was soft and breathy, just above a whisper and he held back a groan when she did.

“I like it. You should wear it more.” He carefully moved her arms up so he could pull it off. His lips lingered on her collarbone, close to the center by her sternum, as he breathed in her perfume. It was a warmer one, a mix of vanilla and spice. He recognized it as the one he bought her back when she dragged him into Victoria Secrets when they were having a sale. He remembered her arguing with her that she wanted to buy it so they agreed that he’d buy her that and she could buy him whatever cologne he wanted. Which just happened to be the one he was wearing tonight.

His lips continued down her body as he got other noises from her. He only stopped when he heard a gasp, immediately pulling his lips away from her. His eyes looked over to see Y/N's sister-in-law standing there with a hand over her mouth.

“Shit, I’m so fucking sorry. I should’ve known what you two were doing when you didn’t respond. Fuck, I’m sorry. Um, Joe and I are heading out. I don’t wanna overwork my sister too much by watching the kids after she had a long week. But we had fun. I’ll see you later.”

He stood as he watched Jessica leave the room and felt Y/N/N's head fall on his shoulder. He listened as she ranted about how embarrassed she was by what just happened. How she had been hidden for nearly 30 minutes and then someone came to find her, just to see her making out with her boyfriend. So fucking embarrassing.

He laughed lightly and joked, “At least we were just making out and not actually having sex.”

She groaned and buried her head in his chest, “I did not just say that out loud, did I?”

He missed the top of her head, “It’s okay.” He pulled away before leaning down to grab her shirt from where he had thrown it on the floor and handed it to her. After she slipped it on, he kissed her lips again. “You know I love you, right?”

She smiled and looked into his blue eyes, “Yeah, ‘course I do.”

“Good.”

This was going to hurt when he finally did it.

Leon knew that she wasn’t asleep as she laid by him. But he stayed quiet. He knew tonight would haunt him. He was supposed to be pushing her away. Not drawing her back in and making her feel better while he was just going to hurt her in the end.

----

January 3rd of 2009

He knew she was hurt. He knew she was trying not to cry. Leon knew how mad and confused she was. He knew. He knew her too well. He knew that she understood none of it. Even after he explained. He knew that she saw him as the one for her because he knew she was the one for him. But he could stop. He had to end them so neither...no so she didn’t get her reputation ruined. He refused to let anyone think that the only reason she gets chosen for assignments is because they’re together. He refused to let anyone think of her as anything but the fucking amazing and talented agent she was.

He had promised her back years ago that he would never hurt her. That he would never be the one to break her heart. That he would be there by her side no matter what. But then here he was, breaking her heart and about to leave her.

In the end, all that he could say was, “I’m sorry.” And “You don’t deserve this.” He reached to grab her hand in an attempt to comfort her, but she jerked it away. Which he understood. He deserved it. She didn’t deserve this. She deserved better than him. “You deserve better than this. Than me. Than our fucked up situation.”

“But Leon, I like it. I love you. I don’t care about the secrets and the lies. I just want you. Leon, please.”

“I can’t.” He stressed, he still hadn’t said what Hunnigan had told him when he asked what would happen. That was why he was doing this. He had to protect her.

“Can’t what?” Her voice was stretched, he knew she was trying not to cry.

For a brief second, he thought that he shouldn’t do it, but as he saw her face, saw as she was breaking, he decided to do it. “Can’t ask you to possibly give up your job because someone found out! Watch as you have to get reassigned because Hunnigan already confirmed that it would be you. Watch as your life completely changes just so you can be with me!” He ran a hand through his hair, “That’s why we’re done, Y/N/N. Why we have to be. Both in this relationship and in our partnership for work. I already sent in the request for a new partner.” He hadn’t said that last part to her yet. But it was true. He did it yesterday. After she had left the office for the day.

“Leon.”

He ignored her as he walked to her door, he was planning on just leaving, saying nothing else. But as his hand reached for the knob, he stopped, “I’m really sorry Y/N/N. Truly, deeply, sorry.”

He walked out after that. But he didn’t go far. He stayed there in the long hall. He brought a hand up to his mouth to stiffen the sobs that were threatening to fall. He felt his chest tighten as he heard her scream and a crash. He knew she was angry and upset. He knew she was blaming herself. And it took everything in him to not open the door and agree with her that they’d figure this out. That they’d find a loophole. That they’d be alright.

----

February 18th of 2009

He shook his head, trying to forget that last time he saw her. Instead, he became hyper focused on Hunnigan trying to contact anyone on her team. The difference between her and them was with them, it called, but no one answered. He felt himself picking at the calluses on his hands, a bad habit that she always noticed. A habit that whenever she saw, she would take his hands into hers and hold them. He ran a hand through his hair as the nerves built up again when it went off that she disconnected herself from being able to be contacted.

He hadn’t even noticed Hunnigan talking to someone through her mic set until she said: “Do you want me to assume her and her team are dead, sir?” He snapped his head to her. What did she mean by that? Why would they assume that Y/N was dead? She just went dark. Since when has it been the procedure to assume death when gone dark. “Of course sir, I’ll keep watch and will let Agent Kennedy know.” Leon narrowed his eyes at Hunnigan as she turned to him. “They want me to keep an eye out for if she pings a location in the next 48 hours. If not, then you’re being deployed to finish the mission and if you come in contact with her, call for an evac for her. But shoot to kill if she’s been bitten.”

Leon looked away from Hunnigan. He wasn’t sure if he could do that. Shoot to kill Y/N. Personal feelings aside, they had been partners since she joined back in 2004. Since right after he got back from Spain. Hell, she would’ve been with him if she hadn't had to get her appendix taken out and miss training causing her start date to be pushed back to where it was around 48 hours before he got back from Spain with Ashley. He had known her for 4, going on 5 years now. How could he shoot her, even if it was for the greater good? He felt his chest tighten and--

“Leon? Do you understand?”

He looked back at Hunnigan and nodded silently before getting up to leave the room. He couldn’t be there anymore. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He practically ran through the halls, not caring who looked at him. Only able to catch his breath when the cold February air hit his skin. He heaved, his hands on his knees and he leaned forward. He couldn’t do it. He knew he wouldn't be able to do it. He knew that he would get in trouble. But he would rather get in trouble for not doing his job than have to shoot her.

He just prayed that she pinged to prove she was alive. And that if he ever got sent in, he would find her. Alive or dead but not bitten. Not turned. He’d rather find her already dead than have to do it himself. He would never be able to live if he broke her heart and then killed her.

Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he would be able to live with himself if he broke her heart and then found her dead.

--------

February 28th of 2009

36 hours after she went dark they received the first ping. 11 days had passed since and they had gotten 8 more pings. Leon was at his desk, waiting for Hunnigan to tell him they got the next ping. But as the sun went further and further down, they still had got nothing. He kept telling himself that she was okay. That maybe she just forgot or wasn’t somewhere where she could.

He kept telling himself that it was okay and she was alive. That he had no reason to worry. That she would make it back to them alive.

--------

March 2nd of 2009

Leon looked out the window of the helicopter he was on. 4 days had passed since her last ping. Since they last heard of her being alive. They had sent him in the early hours of the morning to go finish the job and find her. They told him to not have hope she’d be found alive. The cold was horrid and she was supposed to be back by now. It was doubtful she’d have enough heat stored to survive.

But he ignored them. He ignored their warnings and pushed them away as he climbed down and off the heli and walked the remaining mile to the village her team were meant to be staying at.

It took him almost no time to find the abandoned snow-mobiles they had ridden to get there. Took him almost no time to walk into the small place they were staying to find the rest of her team all dead. But still, there was no sign of her. No sign that she had even been there recently. He told Hunnigan and she responded that she’d send someone once they found Y/N. As he exited the house, he grabbed the keys to be able to use one of the vehicles.

He drove through the town until he reached the point where she had gone dark at. It was by a larger building that stood out compared to the rest. But that wasn’t where she had left at. She had left off in a small home by it. He walked in and looked around, finding her tracker and communication devices in a box that had been covered in snow. A few of the windows had been shot through, he assumed it was from her. He walked up the stairs and saw that there was no way out from there. If she had been in there, she had left the same way she went in.

He walked out of the house and was about to get back on the snowmobile, to head to her last pinged location, but he realized that it was inside the large building and he would have to walk it. The sun was going down as the time passed 6 PM as he jumped the fence and ran around trying to find her, shooting those infected that got in his way. Which he was surprised wasn’t that many. He had expected more to be there, but it was like someone had already gone through and killed most of them.

He ignored the fatigue that grew as he ran closer and the sky got darker. Or at least he assumed it did, there were practically no windows in this place so all he had was his watch to tell the time. He ignored the gnawing feeling he had that he was going to find her dead. That he came all the way to bring her home alive that he’d have to do it dead. That he kept telling himself that she’d be alright and he could apologize. He could tell her what Hunnigan told him when he got back. So he could apologize and let her scream and yell and choose what to do.

So he could know if there ever would be a possibility that they could have made it. That they could have done more if he hadn’t let the possibility of what could've happened take control of his life.

As he grew closer and closer to where she had last pinged, he felt his heart drop further and further into his stomach as he saw more and more blood covering the floor. He kept telling himself that it wasn’t hers. It was someone else's. And he wasn’t entirely wrong as he grew closer. A body laid on the ground, he could tell the blood wasn’t even an entire week old so it had to be from around her last ping. He placed his boot at the dead and grimaced as he recognized him as the guy from last summer.

That told him why she went dark.

He kneeled by the body, looking for what caused the bleeding, finding a few bullet holes. They weren’t accurate and he could tell that whoever shot them had a shaky hand. Making him doubt it was Y/N. One thing he knew he could always count on was her steady aim. Rarely would she hit a target in the wrong spot on accident. It was always on purpose. But, he knew the bullet holes. It was with a Lightning Hawk. It was like how he always had his Matilda, she always had a Lightning Hawk on her.

He stood up and continued on, looking down at the small device to see how much further and realized that it was to his left. He turned and saw a door drawn shut. He put the device away and grabbed his gun out from its holster and carefully opened the door. He swiftly turned to walk further in, something that at first seemed futile as he didn’t see her. But as he walked further in and looked around, he saw remnants of her having previously been there.

He kneeled by her clicker that had been pinging her location when she told it to was on the floor with some of the layers she had been wearing when the mission started. But what scared him was that there was a bandage covered in blood that looked like it had been sitting there for a few days. If it was her blood like he thought, that would explain why it looked like someone had shot the guy shakily and unsure. And so that nausea grew as the gnawing feeling that she was dead came back to him.

He shook his head of those thoughts and got up, looking around the room more. As his eyes scanned, he saw that there was a trail of blood that led to one of the walls. When he got closer, he saw the faint marks of what he assumed had been someone moving the cement. He put the flashlight between his teeth and holstered his gun as he began to touch around, trying to find a weak point in the wall. When he did, he pushed in until it started moving. Once it was opened enough for him to slip through, he grabbed the flashlight from his mouth and upholstered the gun.

He pointed the gun forward and slipped through the crack, he walked with cautious footing. He still found it rather suspicious that he hadn’t had to deal with much since he had gotten there. His senses were on high alert, feeling like there was a possibility of him getting attacked at any point. He walked down the dimly lit room, turning the flash on and off so for the case of someone watching him, there was a possibility of him throwing them off.

But any want to not get caught and have the element of surprise immediately left his body when he heard gunshots down the end of the hall. He ran as fast as he could and slammed the door open, gun ready to shoot. But when he got there, he saw that Dr. Lewis was already bleeding out on the floor, but still reaching for her own gun. As he approached the woman, he looked around and saw Y/N laying on her stomach, gun on her non-dominant side, in a corner. And as much as he wanted to check on her first, he ran over to the doctor and kicked her gun as far away from her as possible.

He kept his gun up and stood over Lewis, the barrel of the gun pointed at her head, daring her to do something. But all she did was laugh before coughing up blood. “You...you really think this...this will be...be the e-end? You...you killing me? Think it...it will bring that little b-bitch ba-ack.”

He knew he was supposed to bring her in alive. So they could question her. But Leon just couldn’t. He knew she had been experimenting on children more than she ever had with adults. The information Y/N had found and sent in before she went dark proved it. And something, some part of him, felt like no one who did that to kids could live. Maybe it was his belief that he still was doing this for Sherry. He knew she was an adult now and that she doesn’t need his protection anymore, but it didn’t stop him from making it his main reason.

With his gun still smoking, and Lewis’s eyes going blank with death, he pulled it down. “Still stops you.” He looked up when he heard the sound of an alarm going off and his vision was encased in red. He should have known that killing the head would do this, but he didn’t give a shit. All he cared about was saving her. He ignored the blaring alarm and robotic voice saying that the building will self-destruct in 10 minutes.

He turned to run back to where Y/N was lying. As he got closer to her, he could see she was slipping in and out of consciousness. When he reached her, he placed a gentle finger where her pulse would be, he knew he should have kept his eyes trained on Lewis, in case she turned herself into something, but he didn’t. His eyes were trained on Y/N. She was covered in sweat and blood, hair clinging onto her. Her breathing was labored and she barely was able to keep her eyes open. He turned her to her back and immediately saw what the reason for the bleeding was.

A large gash that went down her sternum. There was dried blood all around it and he saw that shittily done bandage that had moved. It was surely infected and was probably the reason for her sweat. He grabbed his device to call Hunnigan and requested a medical evac. He found Y/N and she was alive. They were in the building, but he was going to try and get her outside. Hunnigan informed him that she already sent one the moment he said the rest of the team was dead and they were 5 minutes out.

The moment the call ended, he gently moved one of Y/N 's arms around his neck before putting his arms under her body. Placing one securely under her knees and the other behind her back and under her other arm. He heard her groan in pain as he started to carry her out. Trying to figure out how to get to the roof.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Y/N/N.”

“Leon?” Her voice was hoarse, barely there.

“Yeah, yeah it’s me. I got you. Medic is 5 minutes out, okay? I’m gonna get you out. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Leon, please, just let me go.”

He shook his head, “No. I’m not doing that. I’m not letting you go. Not anytime soon.”

“But it hurts.”

He looked down at her and saw her eyes were closing again, “I know. I know it does. But I need you to keep your eyes open for me, alright? I know it’s gonna be hard, but I need you to do that.”

“But it feels better that way.”

He kicked a door open that led to stairs, “I know it does Y/N/N/N, I know. But I really need you to keep them open. Just until the evac gets here. Once they get us, you’ll be alright. You can close your eyes. Just keep them open till then.” Y/N/N/N. A nickname he came up with once when they were both drunk and abnormally clingy to one another. A nickname that he only used around her when he was close to breaking.

But she nodded, “Okay, I’ll try.”

He smiled down at her, “Good, try.”

He knew if she wasn’t injured and delirious, she would be yelling and screaming at him. So a part of him was happy she was, but most of him was scared that they medic wouldn’t get here in time and they would be fucked. That the team wouldn’t get there and he would lose her. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t lose her. Not yet. Not now. Not when he had so much apologizing to do.

So when he made it out of the maze of a building, he let out a breath of relief when he saw the helicopter landing. Never in his life did he think he’d be so grateful that living Agents were top priority. That they’d rather lose the dead bodies and explain to the families that there was no body than possibly lose someone that could still be of use to them. Of course, he knew there was also the likelihood that they had sent two helicopters.

As he got to the Helicopter, he passed her body to one of the Agents in it before jumping in himself. And as they flew off, he helped close the door that he had jumped in from. For a moment, he stared at the window to see the sun coming up in the distance as the building exploded. But only after a second, he turned back to see the two medics already hooking Y/N up and getting her the help she needed.

He slumped down into one of the small chairs, leaning his head against the cool metal and silently watched as they flew to a hospital in Vancouver that was used to STRATCOM and the BSAA.

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