#also to be responsible on my end I covid tested myself this morning (it was negative)

[dykeredhood]

> can you please wear a mask?

> why, are you sick?

> I’m protecting myself & others from covid 😐😷

[puffpasstea]

omg yayyy that angsty sick matilda blurb sounds amazing!!! i can't wait <3

So, this took a COMPLETE TURN!!! It's also wayyyy too long to be a blurb, but I really hope you still like it. 🥺🥺🥺 Please let me know what you think! Warnings: dom!harry, fluff, mentions of smut.

-----

I knew when I’d gone to bed feeling achy all over and drained of energy after doing the bare minimum that I’d wake up feeling sick this morning, but the reality of how I felt still exceeded my expectations. I dragged my feet across the floor to the medicine cabinet and pulled out a thermometer to check for a fever. Luckily, there it was within normal range. I was probably just dehydrated and sleep deprived. In fairness, I’ve never had the best immune system anyway, as a child, I got the sniffles pretty much twice a month. My grandmother and her friends always speculated that it’s because I never got enough bonding time with my parents as an infant. Some people informally diagnosed me with a deficient immune system, stemming from some kind of imbalance or other. When I’m not in denial about how I treat myself, I tend to think it’s because I run myself into the ground on a regular basis and overall suck at looking after myself.

I would never confess or try to explain the thought process to anybody because I know just how insane it sounds  when said out loud, but I often feel that I don’t deserve to rest. And, even if I did, it wouldn’t matter either way. Because, unlike the average person, I had no real personal life, or a family who depended on me. All I had was work. It’s my one real responsibility; the one thing I’m decent at; the one thing I actually enjoy. So, I didn’t need to take breaks, and if I end up falling ill, it wouldn’t matter anyway. The only person who’d end up being affected would be me. Comforted by my dubious logic, and the fact that I had no fever to speak of, I decided I’d power through and go into work. I was going to spend my time in the microfilm room, alone, for most of the day. Maybe, if I get everything done early, I could get a nap in before dropping by the film set.

I stuffed my work bag full of tea bags, Emergen-C, and cough drops, just to be prepared for the worst and got out the door. Thanks to the regular covid testing policy on campus, at least I knew I wasn’t carrying a deadly disease. That was a silver lining.

The first couple of hours of work went by fine, it was when I began to feel weak and queasy that the trouble started. I probably needed to eat something to get my energy up, but I had positively no appetite or desire to eat. The very thought of food made me nauseous. I had some generic meds in my desk drawer that I could take, but those probably shouldn’t be taken on an empty stomach.The irony of the dilemma frustrated me. I feel too sick to eat, so I need to take some meds, but I can’t take any meds before I’ve had something to eat first. The adult thing to do here would probably be to seek medical help. So, I tried to imagine what a doctor or nurse might say to me. “Get some rest and  drink some fluids.” Which would mean skipping out on work; the only thing that gave me purpose. Nope. Finally, I made the decision to put a couple of spoonfuls of sugar and a squeeze of lemon into my hot tea, to see if that would help. On the plus side, working with microfilm required very dim light and precise temperature control which probably mitigated the headache some. If there ever was a day to be sick on the job, today was it.

Around lunchtime, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. Out of an abundance of caution, and a superstitious kind of respect for these materials that hardly anyone ever requested anymore, I decided to take the call outside. Cracking open the door and stepping into the hallway proved disorienting. But I told myself I was just dizzy because my eyes needed to adjust to the light. Caller ID on my screen showed that it was Harry, causing an almost reflexive smile to appear on my face.

I swallowed, picking up the call. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, sweets. Am I interrupting anything?”

“No, never. What’s up?”

I heard him chuckle nervously on the other end of the line. Though he seemed uncertain, the sound of his laugh always made my heart skip a beat. Not that I’d ever tell him that.

“C’mon, out with it, Styles. What’s going on?”

“Uhh, well, this is gonna make me sound like a horny shithead, but, I’m free for the next couple of hours, and- last week, when I had this time off, we-”

“Oh, so, this is a booty call?”

All I heard in response was a bunch of incoherent stuttering. One of the reasons that I found Harry’s dominance so compelling was the fact that, meeting him in the context of everyday interactions, you’d never guess that he had it in him to be that cruel or strict. It always caught me off-guard whenever he would flip the switch, and it was always the hottest thing ever.

“Not when you put it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Come over and meet me, and I’ll show ya.”

I weighed the options in my mind. Not that his offer wasn’t tempting, but I hated being around people when I was sick. I’d purposefully come in through a different entrance so I wouldn’t have to run into Fran and let her see me like this. If I declined Harry’s offer, though, he would almost certainly know that something’s off. We always found a way to hook up when the opportunity presented itself. To be sure, he always checked in and made sure I never felt pressured or obligated. Sometimes I’d have to get impatient and yell that I definitely show up because I want to, not because I have to, before he’s fully convinced, but we always, always met up. Even if it meant delaying for a bit, or waiting until later in the day. I mean, sure, the sex was fun and all. It wasn’t just about the sex though. Spending any time at all with Harry meant the world to me. He always made me feel seen and heard, and allowed me to explore sides of myself I never thought existed. He was also, always, unexpectedly wild and funny, and I got to see glimpses of what he’s personally like, that often lingered in my memory long after our interactions had ended, and I would fantasize about spending my life with him and sharing these moments everyday. In other words, even if he weren’t calling me for sex, I’d still want to go. The question is, would I be able to hide my current state from him?

“Hello? Have I lost you? Connection in the trailer’s kinda spotty sometimes…”

“N-no, I’m here, Harry. I can hear you.”

“Oh, well- umm… listen, I didn’t mean to make you feel like an object, I’m so sorry….I came off sleazy for sure…I just thought It’d be nice to-”

“Hey, Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Come over here an fuck me, will you?”

“On my way.”

***

Harry’s smile slowly dissolved as he got closer and closer to me. I unlocked the old office-turned-storage-room that we often hung out in for privacy, and snuck him in.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

“Uhh, well, hello to you too?” I deflected. He was already seeing right through me. I loved that Harry knew me so well, could read my body like an open book, knew exactly what I needed when I needed it, and knew exactly how to give it to me. But, times like these made our intimacy feel overwhelming and suffocating. 

“No, I mean it.” He cut straight through my attempted bluff. “What’s wrong? Your eyes look glassy, and…well, you seem off.”

I entertained the idea of playing it off like I was offended. “Excuse me? Just go ahead and call me ugly, why don’t you. after you called to-”

“Baby, you know I think you’re beautiful. Always. Don’t act like that isn’t true. We both know it is. Now tell me what’s going on?” He reached over to caress my cheek with the back of his hand. “Shit, you’re burning up….”

I stared into his eyes, unable to speak, and unable to look away. My anxious mind ran over the different possibilities for this conversation. I wasn’t sure which would be worse, having to tell him that I’m sick and him insisting on doing something about it, or having to tell him that I’m sick and him walking away from me. 

I don’t know why it felt so inconceivable to admit to him that I was feeling ill. Harry had seen me at my worst pretty early on in our friendship. He’d cleaned my apartment, shaved my body, washed my hair, without batting an eye. Hell, he’d even stuck his dick in my ass, beat me bloody, and spent many nights looking after me in subspace, at my most vulnerable. So why was this so hard? Maybe because I hate asking for help, or maybe it’s because Harry had already done so much for me. I didn’t want him to feel responsible for me. I also didn’t want to appear helpless and needy. And yet, this instance, the only thought I had was how I’d crumble to the ground if he pulled his touch away, let alone left the room.

“I-I swear I wasn’t feverish when I came to work this morning…” I wrapped my arms around the arm that touched my face, to make sure he kept it there.

“You’ve been sick since this morning?”

“Since…last night.” I mumbled.

“So, earlier, when I called and you hesitated…” I could see in his eyes that the realization hit him. “Oh, god. And I didn’t even bother to ask how you were doing before I asked if you’d wanna suck my dick…what kind of- shit. Shit. shit! I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“Harry, Harry, Stop!” I squeezed his hand to get his attention. “You didn’t ask me to suck your dick. I believe all I heard was incoherent stuttering…”

Harry rolled his eyes, cracking a smile. “Okay, brat. Gonna let that one slide. Only cuz you’re ill though...”

“Seriously, I was the one who asked you to come over. Stop berating yourself please.”

“Alright, well, it’s a good thing I came, isn’t it?” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Let’s get you outta here. C’mon…”

“I’m in the middle of work!”

“Work will survive without you for half a day. All the dead poets will still be dead tomorrow. Let’s go.”

“I can’t-”

“You seem to forget who’s actually in charge here…”

***

On the way home, I fell asleep in the passenger’s seat of Harry’s car, with his hand on my thigh the whole way. When I woke up,  blinking the sleep away, and attempting to open my eyes, all I saw was Harry’s gentle smile, inches away from me. “You’re awake..” He’d bent down to cradle me into his arms, and carry me out of the car,

“W-wait, what are you doing? This isn’t even my place!”

“Yeah, it’s mine. Think i'm lettin’ you spend the night alone when you’re this sick? Who’s gonna look after you if your fever doesn’t go down? Hmm?”

“I- Harry, I’m a grown woman. Can take care of myself, you know. I HAVE gotten sick before…”

“Honey, I don’t doubt that you can. But just cuz you can, doesn’t mean you should have to.”

Despite my relentless protests, Harry refused to put me down until we’d reached his bed. He set me square in the middle of the king sized bed and promptly went on to take my shoes off for me. Which I fought him for, and attempted to kick his hands away. A Battle I quickly lost.

“It’s pathetic…” He shook his head with a smile as he undid my shoe laces. “On your very best days, I can tie you up and pin you down with one hand. We’ve done it countless times. Tryin’ to fight me when you’re sick? It’s just sad…”

I blushed at the recollection of my body underneath his, aching for his touch.

He disappeared into one of his gigantic closet and came back moments later. “Heating pad; some clothes…boxers might be a bit loose, but that’s probably more comfortable anyway, and here’s an extra pillow to prop you up. Want the TV on or do you wanna just sleep while I make us some soup?”

“S-soup? Harry, you're supposed to be on set in an hour!”

“Took care of that. Don’t worry.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Chicken noodle or Italian vegetable? I’m thinkin italian…”

***

I stared down at the empty soup bowl in my lap as Harry watched the tv with his arm around me.

“Harry?” my voice was already strained. Tears pooling in the corners of my eyes,

“Hmm?” his eyes still on the screen.

 “Can I ask you a question? But please be honest.”

“‘Course, always.” He muted the tv and turned around to face me, giving mr his undivided attention.

“What happens on a film set when a leading actor suddenly disappears in the middle of a work day?”

 “Oh…” He turned his attention back to the TV, apparently deeming my concern unserious. “Depends on the circumstances…”

“Let’s say he disappeared cuz he skipped out on work to go make Italian vegetable soup for the woman he’s sleeping with.”

Harry looked visibly irritated. With a loud huff, he ran his fingers through his hair, pressing his lips together tightly…

“First of all, I’ve already told you to quit worrying, I have everything under control. Second, you’re not just some ‘woman I’m sleeping with,’ alright? Get it through your thick head, I’m in love with you! I know you’re too fucked up to accept that as fact, and I get that. I don’t blame you. I mean, you couldn’t even tell me you were sick! Think I don’t know why that is? I may not experience the things that you do, but I’m not an idiot…” He took a pause to catch his breath and to gain control over his tone. “You’ve got it in your head that you don’t deserve love. Any time I try to show you any decency or step closer, you bolt right away under the assumption that caring about you is this huge fuckin burdon to me. Well, it’s not. I’m not gonna argue with you about it. I know I can’t just convince you of it in one conversation….but I’ll be damned if I don’t spend the rest of my life trying to show you what it means to love you.”

Hot, stinging tears ran freely down my face. “You- love me?”

“Mhmm.” Harry nodded and reached for the remote, unmuting the TV as if he’d just taken a quick bathroom break, or something.

I laid my head on his shoulder and continued to silently cry as he kept his focus on the film. Neither one of us said a word for several minutes.

“Told them I had covid symptoms, by the way…’don’t wanna put anyone in danger before I’m sure..’ you know…”

“What?” I pulled my head off his shoulder to look him in the eye. He burst out laughing. “I’ll conveniently test negative tomorrow and go back to work.”

[hilli98215]

I thought I would explain why I was feeling like a failure of a teacher a few days ago. But first, thank you for the kind words and for reminding me why I'm in education in the first place.

But I am literally fuming and I understand why there is a teacher shortage.

I applied for 3 different English Language Arts positions at my school and was denied all three. I would have been in my field (English) and be able to teach either 7th or 8th grade. But by being denied 3 times I was then told that the teacher I worked with for the 2021-2022 school year would also be leaving. Everything was coming down on me and I was thinking of leaving my school. And this is a thought I was going to follow through with anyway but work at my building until the end of the school year. Then I got a phone call from my principal telling me there is a position open that is not only ELA but also ESE (working with students with learning disabilities though there is more to it). This position was going to be a challenge with me being a push-in for 2 periods (going into the classroom), a standard period, an inclusion period (where the students are half learning disabled and nonlearning disabled), and an advanced period. I would be responsible for the classes I would be teaching and that's it. It was my one opportunity and I was determined to take the challenge.

Notice the was in that paragraph.

Earlier Sunday morning I received an email from my principal asking me if it was true that I was out of field (teaching out of my certification) for ESE and Reading for the 2019/2020 school year. And that it would be impossible to hire me out of field once more for the same subject as per county rules. First of all, as many of you remember, 2019/2020 was the year of COVID and was a year of hell for me. That was the year where I disappeared from Tumblr due to being so busy and where I taught high school. It was terrible and not an experience I want to repeat. That was the year when every state was doing virtual learning for the last half of the year. The school I was at let me go and I had a difficult time finding a teaching job for the 2020/2021 school year and had no choice but become a teacher's assistant. Which I mean worked in the end since I was able to complete other parts of the certificate which included taking college courses and completing a portfolio for the state. Anyway, that was over 3 years ago. I can barely remember that year. But because I was already out of field once I can't be out of field again for the same subjects. It is also per Florida Statute and is something I can't fight. My choice is either take the tests or never teach those subjects.

I spent my Sunday crying and doubting myself. I was so sure I was going to get the position but was told that I can't.

By the way, my principal asked me about the position before asking Human Resources about my availability and told me she was going to check with me on Monday but sent me this email on Sunday. They did it backward and it took me several days to realize that.

Monday it was confirmed by Human Resources that I have to decline this position due to the Florida statute.

If I were to get this email before my principal sent theirs, I would have understood.

I am frustrated and have made the decision to leave the school by December for a teaching position. I am done with being treated like this and I am going to pass every test I need to be a teacher in my state.

I am done with being an assistant to the teacher. I am going to be the teacher.

[timeoverload]

Most of my day was alright. I woke up late again but somehow I still got ready on time. It was so hard to get out of bed but I did it. I'm still so happy my boss is back at work and we spent most of the morning chatting about random stuff so that was nice. She's a tough lady and I admire her a lot.

I also found out today that 2 of my co-workers have gotten in car accidents the past week. My friend who used to work in my department got hit while she was driving home with her grandson last weekend and her car is totaled. They are both ok but she is pretty bruised up and she had to go to the hospital after the accident. I feel so bad for her and I talked to her for a while. The evening team lead was on his way to work and he got rear ended by some lady who was driving too fast and hit a patch of ice when he was sitting at the stop light. I know he is ok so that's good. I haven't heard much else since he couldn't come to work today but that's totally understandable. I know how much car accidents suck and I hope I never have another one. I think that's why I get so paranoid about driving in the snow.

I had to stay late and do his job and I wasn't expecting to have to do that today. The lady who works the night shift also called in sick. I'm glad I didn't have eye cases this afternoon otherwise I would probably still be there right now. I don't think I was in the right state of mind to be in charge. I was just acting stupid but I am so exhausted that I have been getting frustrated so easily. I know I shouldn't act like that because I don't want to bother anyone. It's hard to internalize things sometimes when I'm so burned out. I just can't handle having a lead position because it's too stressful. I would like to set a better example so I'm a little disappointed in myself. I guess I will try harder next time.

I'm so glad that Thursday is the only day I have to work next week. I got my time off requests approved finally. I haven't entered my PTO time for Christmas yet so technically I shouldn't have gotten both those days off but I'm not going to complain. I need to stay away from there for a while.

I have to be at work around 6am tomorrow, maybe earlier if I can get up on time. I have to help run BD tests and make sure everything is set up for the day. I haven't had to go in that early for a while. I guess it could be worse. I remember having to go in at 4am during the worst part of the pandemic and having to sterilize N95 masks for all of the nurses, surgical techs, and doctors with a big UV sterilizer. We had to do that because we didn't have enough masks so they had to reuse theirs. It was so gross and that sterilizer was dangerous. I was afraid I was going to accidentally blind myself. There weren't enough of those masks for the people in our department though so we all got covid eventually. I also was the first person there in the morning so I had to wipe down everything and mop the floor with a strong cleaner that made me nauseous. Things have changed and the cleaning duties are split up now so I'm not responsible for everything. That was a bad time in my life and I'm glad I never have to do that again.

I am so tired and I should probably make something to eat and get ready for bed. I don't want to wake up late again. My back also hurts and I need to lay down. I need to hook my computer back up to the tv too because I forgot how much it hurts my back to use my lap desk for my computer and it's annoying. I just want to be comfortable but sometimes it feels impossible. I know I complain a lot but I will be ok.

It would be nice if I could get off work a little early tomorrow since I have to go in at 6 but I'm not sure if that will happen. I am going to try though. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! 💖💖💖

[majezabelle]

GRIEF

865 days since my cousin, who was like a big sister to me, passed away but it feels like it was just yesterday.

I still can't forget the morning of June 7th. I woke up to my little sister's message saying that our cousin already left the realms of humanity. I pinched myself hard enough wishing it was just a dream - that I was just reading the message in my dream and nothing was real; but it was real. There's no coming back.

I never had the chance to visit her at the hospital because of COVID restrictions and my workmate recently tested positive during that time, so all of us who shared the same room with him had to self-quarantine. Now, I wish I could turn back time to visit her while she was still alive and bring her the burger that she was craving.

Well, time did not heal my grief. Although I worked my way around it, I still find myself tearing up from time to time because I miss her. We planned so many things and all of them were never realized. Those were simple things like eating out at the newly opened restaurant, and going to local places we've never been. I think grief is also about mourning the things we could've done together.

Before all this sadness, I had anger. I was angry at her for not telling anyone about her diagnosis that she knew a few years back. I was angry at myself because when she showed signs that she was sick, I was not stubborn enough to annoy her into telling me what's wrong. And most importantly, I was angry at cancer. Out of everyone, why would it strike someone who carries her family's burdens, who had big hopes and dreams of a comfortable future. In all honesty, I would trade my life for hers. I was raised in a comfortable, privileged life. No was relying on me and I didn't have any plans for the future. I was empty and numb. But that's not possible.

I scratch my brain asking the reasons why. I even dreamt of her but all I heard was her laughter and a hint of secrecy. Somehow, it felt like she wanted to get away from the pressure and responsibilities that was put on her shoulders and that was her one-way out. If this is true, I couldn't, and wouldn't blame her for that.

What weight is my grief and anger compared to the suffering that she endured since her childhood?

Maybe, just maybe, it's true that all things happen for a reason and that things will surely work together for good. Once I saw things beyond grief and anger, I found comfort in knowing her suffering has come to an end.

[sparkplug7000]

There’s this one guy I’ve known for about 4 years now and we’ve always been really close but…well…read and see. There is A LOT I’ll have to leave out, but I need some serious advice. Note: I am currently a student but that’s all I’m saying about that. I have not gone over this to fix spelling!

I don’t really remember how I met him and I don’t remember a lot about our friendship from that first year, so I’m going to skip it. Skip to the year of/after COVID and he was seriously the only person who texted me. One of my other friends did, but we hardly ever talked. This guy would text me regularly during our Spanish classes in the morning that we had at the time but from different locations. (I did online school at the time while he was in in-person school).

Fast forward to the next school year (last year). I’ve known this guy was basically in love with me for a while, it really wasn’t hard to read his body language. I remember being thankful one of my other friends had asked me about Homecoming so I could clarify around him that I was not planning on going. I really didn’t want him to ask me! He may be in love with me, but I’ve certainly never been in love with him. Eventually, he admitted to me his feelings. I respectfully said I didn’t return them. He said he respected that. After that, things were incredibly awkward between us. I found myself not wanting to be around him and I knew that I needed space. He constantly texted me sentences and paragraphs of stuff even (and especially) when I wouldn’t respond. If I did respond, it was only after a billion messages and it was a very dry response. He always took that as a prompt to further discussion and he’d text me even MORE. He never took the hint. Eventually, I told him to shut up (respectfully). It took him a while after that to stop texting me as much. A lot of the time, though, the texts would be about how he loves me but understands I don’t feel the same and how he would never bring up the topic again blah blah blah…. He, of course, did constantly bring this stuff up. It only made me want to distance myself more.

Another important thing to note about him is that he’s an incredibly intelligent man and speaks like a genius. He is literally a huge nerd who has a massive vocabulary and will drag out his sentences with them. He also has glasses and has always been two years ahead in math. He’s the definition of that crazy smart kid in school who doesn’t have an ounce of muscle I’m his body because he REFUSES to workout. However, he’s also the dumbest man I’ve ever met. He is NOT street smart. I don’t really know how to explain how bad it is, so I’m not really going to try, but I hope you get the general point.

To be clear, there is NOTHING wrong with not being athletic in any way. I only mention this about him because I can’t possibly emphasize enough about how stubborn he’s always been against running, lifting, anything that involves testing your body athletically. Last year, I made the decision to join Track and Field. Sure, I was REALLY late to the sport, but at the end of the day I really just wanted to go out of my comfort zone and try something new despite the limited amount of time I’d be able to do it considering how late I joined. When he found out? Suddenly, he wanted to join too. He told me that his parents had been nagging him to join a sport and he was finally done listening to them so he was finally going to do it. Yeah, he’d done Tennis a couple years ago, but he quit and for some reason didn’t care to go back. He didn’t say there was a specific reason. He just wanted to join track, that’s why. I remember lying to him that he couldn’t join that school year anymore because part of the reason I joined track has to do with the major factor of…you know…doing something different! This was a time in my life where I need severe distance from him, something he’s never been able to understand. He just talks to me TOO MUCH and I need a break. I’ll get mad at him for no reason during these times, simply because I see him overwhelming so. It happens with all of friends, but him the most. By far. This sport was supposed to be my breath a fresh air and as selfish as it sounded, I really didn’t want him there! It’s not like he really wanted to be there either. According to him, he was just gonna join track because he had three friends in it. Two of which we’ve made clear he would hardly ever see because of the events we do. Sure, I stretched the truth a bit, but I’ve been desperate. Please just leave me alone! Anyways, he’s still stuck on joining as of this year but whatever. Point is, I get so annoyed with him for periods at a time because I see him a lot (he initiates the contact plus we have classes together. He asked me last year what classes I was taking so he could take them too! Um…). I wasn’t about to see this guy for my entire school day then after school for two to three hours too. Fuck off.

I started getting madder at him when he fell out of love with me (thank god!) but ended up falling in love with my friend instead. He treats her the same he treats me. It pisses me off and I’ve yelled at him about it before. She’s made it VERY clear (more so than I did) that she doesn’t want to talk to him or see him. She’s actually said the words…multiple times. He said ok! Then went back to texting her 24/7.

The other day me and one of my friends got in an argument (we’ve since then discussed it and are good now). He told me that when he’d heard what my other friend said to me, he’s spent his entire morning reeling and wanting to break something. (Ummm). Sounds to me like someone is still in love with me. He’s a total creep. I mentioned this to my friend that he’s in love with now and she told me he’d said something similar to her about something that had screwed had over. CEO of “I’ve never been that mad before!” Yep. He said that. “Ever,” apparently.

I’ve also recently been having problems about being ignored…and this is going to sound hypocritical, but…he’s perhaps the only person who doesn’t ignore me. And I hate it. He checks on me way too much and like I said before, doesn’t ever know when to take a hint. I’m uncomfortable and creeped out. He’s got great intentions and he’s s genuinely got good intentions! He’s nice! But…

Overall, he just constantly won’t leave us alone no matter what we say and do and we don’t know what to do. We know he doesn’t mean to do it and he takes everything personally and will be in a seriously depressed (more so than others I’ve met) mood for the rest of the day every time we address something. Because of his surely good intentions along with everything we’ve clearly stated to his face, we’re not sure what to do anymore! Help!

[thelifeoflorna]

~14/9/2022~ Writing this in the dark from my garden as can’t stand the sight of the inside of my flat any longer! I do seem to have turned a bit of a corner today (day 9) with covid (touch wood). Positive line on the LFT was slightly fainter this morning and I felt a bit better overall. I seemed to be up for focusing on self care in the morning - plaited my hair, did my eyebrows, and even did some nail art! I still have no appetite, though decided to force myself to eat at each meal time today rather than relying on my supplement drinks as my stomach is doing fairly okay with solid food now - Bella was pleased to have a spaghetti bolognese plate to clean up after dinner! In the afternoon I managed to do some work - mainly admin stuff, including creating a template for writing my appointment notes, which I’m hoping will help me cut down the amount of time I spend notewriting and duplicating notes. Have really been struggling with my mood throughout the day :( - the isolation is really starting to get to me - I think because no one has been able to come in during the evenings this week. I also feel as though the trauma response to being unwell is starting to come out, as well as desperately hoping I test negative by Friday so I can go to parentals as landlords are having a party in their garden at the weekend, which we desperately need to avoid. I suppose all of this is probably a sign that I am improving physically - that I’ve got the energy to be anxious and fed up about things. I went out for a walk this evening - made it to the further away park - new method of one putting mask up to pass people definitely worked better in terms of managing breathlessness. Very much hoping the end is in sight… 🦄 #instadaily #instablog #update #mentalhealth #dissociativeidentitydisorder #cptsd #autism #traumarecovery #edrecovery #anxiety #chronicillness #disability #pots #potsie #dysautonomia #positivevibes #recovery #southovergrange #lewes #nature #naturelove #natureseeker #summer #wildflowers #flowergram #wildmeadowsgarden #flowers #naturesperfection (at Southover Grange) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cif7OwHKFyOY_PozBiQJRJBadkDDiYvkPSIKmA0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[scandiengbergs3]

I've been trying to find a time to update the blog and things have been pretty tight, given that Eric was back in Stockholm and I was in Gothenburg with the kids taking delivery of the new Volvo. As I mentioned in my previous post, as far as the kids and I knew when we left Stockholm to distance ourselves from Eric, we were free from Covid. But within a day, as we should have guessed had we been thinking people, we started having some symptoms like sniffles (for Cece), diarrhea (for Rowan), & a sore throat (for me). So, bottom line: we should have all stayed together in Stockholm. I think I established this in the last post.

Anyway, the main impetus for this trip was to take delivery of our new Volvo. I had to see that through. So on Wednesday, all double masked up, the kids and I went to the Volvo factory delivery center and successfully received the Volvo I think we were safer than almost everyone in Sweden, from the looks of it, with our Covid safety ...so I feel like we probably didn't endanger anyone because, well, what do I know, but we kept our interactions with people as brief as possible and we were double masked the whole while.

Anyway, we got the car and I drove us out of Gothenburg, or at least I tried. As we knew from the last time, that industrial area outside of Gothenburg is expansive and very confusing and perpetually under construction. It took me an hour to successfully get on the right road to Jönkoping, Sweden, where we were to stay the night.

So, after a 2-hour drive, which was in reality a 3 and 1/2 hour drive because of all of the getting lost issues, we arrived at the Scandic Elmia in Jönköping. At that point, I was tired and ready to just be done with the long day. Cece had been sniffling like a maniac all afternoon in the car, so I had one box, 2-pack, of Covid tests with me and gave her one when we got to the hotel and gave myself one as well. Mine came back negative and hers came back positive right away. So, soonafter, I put the kids to bed and then I texted with the kids' pediatrician back in Albuquerque, who is a friend, and he told me that at their ages and with the mildness of this variant for most people, there's really nothing to worry about and like most other viruses hers would just pass without event in a few days. He also recommended that if we were responsible in keeping together as a family unit, and distancing as best we can, that we don't necessarily need to change our travel plans. So, we are going to get on our ferry tonight, Helsinki-bound, since we have private cabins and so we shouldn't be posing too much risk to other people, at least we hope not!, and will be all masked up and ready to go. Once we get to Helsinki, we'll be there for 4 days in an Airbnb and by the end of that we should all be on the other side of this. We are very grateful that none of us have felt terrible. It's mostly just been very anxiety inducing.

I can't emphasize enough how nonchalant Sweden's approach to Covid has been, which I think we've all known about from the news over the last two years. Finland's approach, from what I've been able to make out online, seems to be somewhat more strict, but the quarantine rules are still very inexact and I'm pretty confused, honestly.

Anyway, I write this about 30 minutes after driving up to the Airbnb in Stockholm to pick Eric up. We are very glad to all be reunited and now he's seen the new car for the first time. The kids are outside running around the house just getting some fresh air and sunshine before the next part of our adventure. The chapter concerning Covid, however, we're very excited to close ... and I will keep everyone updated.

I want to note that while our sightseeing over the last several days has been non-existent, the 4-hour drive the kids and I did this morning was partially on a scenic route, which was absolutely gorgeous. I didn't take any pictures, but I'll try to post another post soon with a bit more description of what we saw, beautiful farms sloping down towards a gorgeous expansive lake.

[amyscascadingtabs]

this is sappy but whatever. i wrote most of this before the season started (which is why i come off as reasonable and somewhat mentally stable about all of this) but felt appropriate to post it now as a thank you. ❤️

i have vivid memories from the night b99 was cancelled. the news came late evening my time, and i had been editing fic and checked twitter and there it was. loud and clear. i don’t remember which site it was but the picture was jake and amy with their wedding cake and that made everything feel even worse.

i remember freaking out even though i had been prepared, because those last days before the news hit on tumblr were... panicked. but i still freaked out to the extent that i ran outside in my pajama pants and hoodie and blue plastic slippers and called my mom, and then i walked up and down the streets where i lived in the darkness and cried in frustration as she tried to talk me down. i remember there were random guys with motorcycles out? but i was too hysterical to care. i’m pretty sure i screamed something to my mom about ”HOW CAN BIG BANG THEORY GET A BILLION SEASONS BUT THIS SHOW GETS CANCELLED????”

i know everyone who was in the fandom at the time has their cancellation story. what played the biggest part in mine was the fact that i felt like i hadn’t had enough time. really, i had only just become active in the fandom, only just started interacting with people on here and writing my first few fics, but i was absolutely loving it. it was giving me happiness again after a long period of emptiness and depressive feelings. when it was cancelled, what made me feel the worst was the fact that i’d had so little time – to make friends, write fic and react to episodes together. i felt deeply jealous of everyone who’d gotten more.

thinking about it coming to an end now has made me remember that night and those feelings of jealousy. because i did get more time. i got three more years. that night, i remember asking for just one, for a half, for anything, and i got three years.

and these three years have been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and episodes and debates and discussions and gifsets and fanfic and asks and having this as my safe space while pretty much everything changed around me in the outside world, and i just want you all to know that i have never taken a single day of them for granted. this show could have been taken from me before i’d ever gotten the chance to grow with it and alongside it, and instead it was part of my life for three whole years.

i have a really, really good memory (four time quiz champion anyone? just me?okay <3), and i remember so much of it in such detail, and it's so weird to think about how long it's been when it also feels like yesterday.

i remember my first comment on peraltiago parenting experience, my first episode-related fic, the insane high after the renewal, staying up all night to watch the wedding live. i remember writing fanfiction on the beach while on vacation in greece, on a plane to berlin, at home on my parents balcony late late at night. i remember the honeymoon episode title being released, s6 starting filming again, the excitement over every little piece of news and finding about the cast directing. i remember labor fic and christmas fics and when i scroll back to pictures of my paris trip in january 2019 it's interspersed with a billion pictures of andy at the golden globes. i remember lighting my fairy lights in my little basement room and watching season 6 in bed at 2.30 am if it was a big episode, and watching it in the morning before fridays in high school most days. i remember writing post-ep fics during classes and on my phone on subways and trains. i remember the s7 news, and the casecation nerves and debates, and fucking kissgate. being named "the class amy santiago" by my friends when we graduated and getting a little silver paper plate to show for it. i remember the first fic exchange and inventing julian and simon santiago and i remember meeting @johnny-and-dora and eating wagamamas in manchester and talking about how simon santiago was DEFINITELY on the stairs and buying a little fake plant that i named andy plantberg (he's still in a box somewhere). i remember writing fic during slow hours in the ice cream shop i worked at. moving and putting up my framed b99 poster in my own apartment (very much still up). finding out about trying and everyone going fucking crazy. infertility fic. melissa's pregnancy news. s7 promo and standing outside my job the very first day and texting siân "AMY HAS TO PEE!!!!!???" because that was in the promo and we knew there were pregnancy tests involved in the first episode. the crazy happiness of s7 finally premiering. everyone going crazy about jake and amy deciding to start trying and how i could quote the scene verbatim the next few days. the week leading up to trying, what turned out to be the last normal week before the pandemic. the fucking MESS i was after that. the following week and ding dong and crying with happiness. being dizzy with hyperfixation joy the following day and barely feeling aware of the covid pandemic for the first few days because i was just thinking about jake and amy having a baby. getting through the first few weeks mostly because of b99. admiral peralta and finding out we were having a BOY and not even being disappointed even though the headcanon had been the opposite for years because it was perfect. the iconic b99 quizzes. lights out and mac being born. somehow managing 475 days before season 8, coping together when we got the news about the final season, watching the cast do their final day of filming. the first stream being interrupted by a storm warning and cutting out several minutes because of course. getting to see parents peraltiago and MAC and the insane speed with which those few seconds were giffed. more b99 quizzes. the vow renewal. the finale.

i remember all of it and so much more and as much as my heart is breaking, i’m trying to remind myself that i could have gotten none of this.

brooklyn nine-nine has been such an important part of my life. and it always, always will be, forever. i could have lost it all that night, and instead i got three more years. if i'd known that when i was walking the streets outside my house in the darkness in complete panic, i would have cried with happiness.

so thank you. all of you. for everything. ❤️❤️❤️ for the friendships, the joy, the asks, the debates, the fic response, EVERYTHING. whether we've shared three years or one or less, just know that i'm so grateful.

have some random pictures i found and screenshots from my private instagram (which is inactive so don't bother) from when i started this hyperfixation. jesus lmao 😭😭😭😭 i am less insane now. no i'm not. but i express it less on instagram.

[betweentheracks]

Heyo! Not to be too nosy here but you mentioned you're in bad health and recovering, and I just wondered what happened? Also how would it impact your career since, from how you've made it all seem thus far, it's a highly active and demanding job?

Hope you take care and get well! You appear quite strong and not like you'd take whatever has happened just lying down, so here's to you!! 🙏💓

No sweat and no worries here, I dont find this particularly invasive. If anything, I'm flattered you care to ask after me lol. 😁

A few weeks back I met a friend I hadn't seen in some time for lunch. This was against my better sense of caution that I've held firmly to throughout the pandemic, but I would feel regretful and dismissive if I didnt agree to see her while I had the chance. I should've listened my gut and stayed safely at work because this "friend" failed to mention she had tested positive (she knew already by the time of our lunch date, she has since admitted) and had figured since she had no symptoms there was no harm in being in public.

FF only a few days later and I was feeling a little unwell but had put it off as an effect of the winter blast that had just hit where I live. I'd spent half a day out in the cold and snow for a photoshoot only the day before and thought it was probably due to that since I'm susceptible to weather influenced head colds and bronchitis. Fortunately, my job mandates a rigid COVID-19 screening twice a week due to our high profile clientele and as an assurance of health and safety for us all. Mine read back with a positive and with the way I had been feeling I was immediately sent home and the company closed its doors while the building was sterilized and our clients notified.

Thankfully I managed not to infect anyone I work with nor my son. Regrettably, I did infect my best friend since we're horrifically incapable of maintaining personal space and have weak shit immune systems. We both agree it is a wonder we made it this far into plague times without it catching us.

So I went and got looked over and sent on my way with my prescription of potent anti-virals and steroids. I was well prepared to abide the quarantine guidelines and had sent my son to my mother's home for the duration so that he was out of the danger zone. It was fine, I was kinda cool and keen on getting a few days to myself to rest up and all that jazz. But it wasn't meant to last and I found trouble in the form of being unable to remain conscious much at all and would pass out constantly. After a few times of this I gave my brother (he's a doctor and vaccinated) a ring and told him that my fatigue was no joke dude and needed him to come give me a better once over than the one I'd gotten before bc I was sure I was not meant to feel this badly. He found me unconscious in the shower that night, my head battered from crashing to the basin.

After ensuring I wasn't concussed and jokes on what a hard head I have to take such a beating and show no signs of registering it beyond bruising (a joke between us due to him having once accidentally put a golf club into my forehead and fracturing my skull but that's a different story) he told me to call him regularly so that he can review how I feel and the progression of my symptoms and left. By the morning I had already had two more instances of sudden fatigue and collapsing in on myself. I had been posting on my main blog here about how I was doing and due to this I caught the concern of @peekbackstage and upon their suggestion to have my O2 levels tested it was revealed that I was having issues with my blood not circulating oxygen as it should and nearing hypoxia.

Here's the rub. I have a heart condition that is already very dangerous and bleak which limits my heart's capability of delivering blood through my body as it should. Cardiomyopathy or, as it seems better known, congestive heart failure. I've had surgery for it and it has been a while since it caused me any real issues as long as I stick to my routine of care and manage my health, but when COVID-19 infiltrated my body it immediately snagged upon this weak heart of mine and sank its fangs in.

Within a day of being admitted to the hospital I had a grand mal seizure due to the constant fluctuations of oxygen in my blood and the way my body was working double time to supplement for it. And only 2 days after that and when my nervous system had finally quieted down, I went into full cardiac arrest with a heart attack at my young age.

My next weeks were spent connected to machines doing more for me than my own body could. I developed pneumonia in my lungs, acute though it was it was still another complication that my wrecked body had to overcome as it made my already ragged breathing even worse. I was steadily shedding muscle tone and definition due to a lack of mobility and the fact that my body felt like a deadweight I could hardly take command of, and generally very weakened. My heart, the horrible thing, was inflamed and trying too hard by beating too fast, too hard.

FF some more and I was doing fairly well and treatments were showing some improvement. My heart was still being an ugly and gnarled beast in my chest and throwing weird spikes on the monitor that raised alarms. The pneumonia was retreating and I had no further seizures. It was the dawning light of my first signs that I was recovering!

It took a while more and so fucking many tests day in and day out for me get cleared for release. I tested negative for COVID-19 and was ashamed that I actually forgot that that was why I was even in the hospital to begin with, given all that happened. I have to undergo physical therapy and counseling; PT for heart happy exercises as well as to manage to my depleted muscles, counseling bc I was rocked mentally from all the almost dying and the depressive haze of being holed up in the hospital and surrounded by people who, like me, came in with COVID-19 but unlike me did not come out of it.

I'm home now. I had to have a pacemaker implanted and must stay vigilant for any showing that my heart is not performing as it should. I still have some severe inflammation and chest restriction in my airways as well as my blood vessels but nothing too daunting. I also have a full battalion of prescriptions, most for my heart, and a nebulizer to ease any breathing issues. The worst is honestly that I still am very weak and have severely limited reserves of energy.

My job is required to make me take 12 weeks of leave for rest and recuperation. This is very upsetting since I had been requested by name to be an assistant stylist at the Grammys this year which is truly a dream (especially with BTS in the mix 😩😩) and also bc I'm just a workaholic by nature and love my job. When I return I am expected to learn how to properly delegate tasks that do not directly require me to handle and slow down the pacing of my projects. My boss terminated a contract with a client that was nearing the scheduled end of our agreement and was also incredibly problematic to help lighten my workload. It's imperative that I reign in my stress levels or my heart will not last until the next surgery I'll need, so I'm gritting my teeth and letting my job be picked apart to reduce my responsibilities.

My post awaits my return but I will not be returning to full activity for a while after, which means no rifling through the racks for hours alongside the archivists in search of the perfect piece. I'll be welcome to meet with my clients and oversee the glam teams, will still be the command tower for final verdicts on which styles to use. But I will not be running around showrooms nor personally handling matters any competent trainee could be tasked with like I've always done. I will no longer be able to fly out anywhere for destination shoots or fashion shows.

If, after my next surgery, things are better and my heart stable to the point that they are hopeful of things will be reevaluated. While it is difficult beyond measure for me to relinquish the reigns of my career and be restricted in what I can do now, I am very thankful to be alive and upright when that wasn't a certainty just a little while ago. This is such a humbling experience to have survived when my stats kept dropping every day. I've been told to expect that I will never make a full 100% recovery and to expect to stall out around the 70%-90% range, with 70% being the most realistic.

My best friend (the one I gave the plague to) will be moving in with me so that I am never on my own if things go tits up and to assist in wrangling a toddler since I am currently without the energy to do so as my child is, sincerely, a crazy gremlin spawn with limitless battery life. Slowly, my life will regain some normalcy 💖

[inwardboundseagypsy]

A breakdown of my LATELY.

- My 6 year old is diagnosed with ASD Level 2 and ADHD

- Some teachers are supportive and helpful, others are pulling their hair out and telling me about it on a daily basis while disciplining him in sometimes physically aggressive manner.

- Husband is traveling between Italy (where we are) and the U.S. during COVID times, spending the majority of his time (3 weeks) in the U.S. raising up a new business, and less than one week at home with us. (We are trying to be patient and understanding...we are saving for a new house so that we can get out of our current rental situation.)

- Current rental situation: house floods, black mold in bedroom, water refuses to get hot in the morning hours (no hot showers until evening), there is one small room dedicated to all: living room, kitchen and dining area (and it's seriously tiny!), it's by the beach which is wreaking havoc on my sinuses (I suffer from sand dust allergies and sinusitis due to the extreme humidity - makes me tired and miserable most of the time.), No place to control the dogs' activity (they're old and pee wherever they want), kid's bedroom is so small, we cant even fit his toys, nor does he have ample floor space to play, everything breaks (fridge, toilet seats, shower hoses and heads, the pumps that suck water from the ground level when it rains - thus the flooding, closet doors get stuck, paint is pulverizing and falling right off the walls, bedroom door is accordion style and impossible to fix - thus it wont close. The list goes on.) We are truly miserable here and can't find another rental - we've looked and exhausted all options in the area! So we need to buy, ASAP!

------------------------------------

So...I'm alone with my special needs child, getting him set up with therapy appointments, trying to communicate with his angry and frustrated teachers in a language I'm not yet fluent in, while working on my own anxiety and depression following bouts of extreme stress trying to get his cooperation in the home as well. There is no family for support and help. All friends and possible babysitter options fall through the cracks as everyone is getting COVID, we are forced at times into distance learning depending on how many of my kid's classmates test positive at any given moment, and I'm still trying to work on my Italian by attending an adult school three mornings per week for a total of 9 hours.

I have a lot on my plate. It almost seems like I'm living life in a foreign country as a single parent without the help of family. OK, well I kind-of am! And I suffer from anxiety, depression, ADD, and now after having researched and studied about Autism for hours, days, months on end...I'm beginning to believe that I, too, need to get evaluated.

I'm starting to have panic attacks. I've had only 2 in my entire 43 years of life...and now I'm having them regularly. What's concerning for me is that my young boy is serving witness to them. And for me, that's not OK. That's an alarm bell for me that's ringing toward the direction that I need to get help for myself as well. I NEED to be focused on him. I NEED to be strong and stable for him. He is too little to see his mother in this state of mind all of the time. He's also witnessing a plethora of emotional meltdowns and breakdowns, as I'm back to the fragile state of not being able to control extreme moments of emotional overwhelm.

My head hurts on a regular basis, not only over trying to suppress emotional responses to repeated and continual stress, but also triggering situations like when one of his teachers are 12 inches away from my face, shouting at me because she's frustrated with my son. So my head already hurts from poor emotional and stress regulation, ENTER - non fluency in a foreign language which is necessary for survival and all communications with those around me.

Many expats know that when you enter a life in a foreign country, and begin to learn a language through full immediate immersion, your head gets so hot and feels like it's about to explode some days, if you're focused on listening hard to understand what's being said, and combing your rapidly increasing vocabulary for the right words to be able to articulate what you need, what you want, and how to hold a conversation.

Add to the list of normal expat adaptation: how to communicate about the needs of your child and understand school protocols concerning entering a new school or grade level or switching over to online distance learning where you need to help your ADHD Autistic child to understand and focus on the school work that you barely understand...these directions being given....in the new language! Doctor appointments and communications. Therapy appointments and communications. Psych evaluations. The list of a parent is even greater!

People are very empathetic about this struggle. But then let's throw in that the person who's needing to navigate all of this, not just for herself, but for her son....also has anxiety, depression and ADHD. (And I guess sooner or later, we'll find out about the Autism.) Dude! I'm fighting a steep and treacherous uphill battle!

I guess it's important to understand that if I can get through this...all of those moments where I break down and cry (because I can't control my emotional response to triggers and stress) that make me feel like a broken, incapable, weak person...are just crumbling rocks on the hillside beneath my feet making it difficult to gain traction, but I always do! I always come through it, and if I can manage THAT, I'm not weak after all. I'm stronger than the average person who's got their shit together and treads a lighter path. But in the end, who are any of us to assume everyone's path is free of debris. We only know our own unique situations. And as a result, we tend to feel consumed with our own situations and swallowed by our own challenges, forgetting...that we are NOT alone.

My goal in divulging all of this chaos to the world wide net is not only to process and find release (IT's good for me), but also in the hopes that someone else out there who may relate to my story for one reason or another, someone else who struggles on a daily basis to do the basic things or the hard things in life...or who finds the basic things to be hard things...I want you to know that you're not alone. I get you.

More and more sensitive people are popping up, surfacing from the waves of a regimented society that for too long has covered up or ignored those of us who are deeply emotional and sensitive to situations and tangible things in life that others don't bat an eyelash over. It's often misunderstood by others, and for so long we've been made to feel psycho or crazy by the rest of society. Really, at times, being sensitive can be a gift. But it's hard when you're in the hurricane of the struggle, and even harder when it happens in front of people who don't. get. it. I'm here to tell you, I do.

[rebelwheelssoapbox]

Did New York State Give Disabled People COVID?

By Michele Kaplan Spoilers: Yes. Now, am I suggesting that the leaders of New York State got together one day in a dimly lit room, grinning deviously, as they started to brainstorm on how they could intentionally harm the disability community? No. But they also didn't go to great lengths to protect us either.

And yes, there were a number of politicians who are allies, and I am not negating their efforts, but at the end of the day, I am writing this as a disabled New Yorker who is now a longhauler. This was not inevitable, unavoidable, this was created. It could be validly and reasonably argued, that some New York State politicians absolutely knew the harm they were going to cause and proceeded regardless. Like Governor Andrew Cuomo, formerly revered, now met with calls to resign. How peculiar that people rarely include the fact that he knowingly sent 9,000 COVID patients to nursing homes in said calls. Back in May (2020), New York Times reported that 1/3 of all COVID fatalities happened in institutional settings and this number was before it came out that Cuomo attempted to downplay the number of deaths.

[image description: colorful graphic of a woman with slightly tan skin and short gray hair wearing a mask. she is dressed casually but stylishly  with a neck scarf, glasses, denim shirt and backpack. The text reads “what’s next in the covid-19 fight? now, we all need to get tested often even with no symptoms, to keep reducing the spread”] Interesting how prisons are experiencing similar problems during the pandemic, as that too is a place where you can not social distance. It also begs the question: why do nursing homes have so many things in common with prisons? All the while, Cuomo was going to great lengths to push massive cuts in medicaid and healthcare funding before and during the pandemic – including funding for hospitals, all so the ultra-rich, wouldn't have to pay their fair share of taxes. So, it's no wonder that there is a massive campaign from the people to #TaxTheRich, as the disability community was far from being the only marginalized demographic facing the devastating consequences of his actions.

original photo is via https://affecttheverb.com/ [image description: a photo of six disabled people of color smile and pose in front of a concrete wall. Five people stand in the back, with the Black woman in the center holding up a chalkboard sign reading "disabled and here." A South Asian person in a wheelchair sits in front. The text at the bottom reads "hashtag tax the rich" with an orange / yellow gradient and black shadow behind it. There is a white sign leaning against the person on the right, with text that reads "A failure to tax the rich while cutting services for marginalized communities is an act of violence."] Why do the wealthiest New Yorkers have the lowest tax burden? Why should the rest of us scramble for crumbs, in some instances, compromising our basic safety, all so that the ultra-rich can have even more? I've heard people say that austerity is an act of violence, and I believe it's true. And to be clear, as a survivor myself, I unequivocally stand in absolute solidarity with the women who came forward, sharing their stories. I just don't think sexual harassment should be the only reason he is called to resign. The moment he knowingly sent COVID patients to those nursing homes, should have been enough. All the talk about how we must protect the vulnerable. All the soundbites about how they cherished the workers, the ones they called essential, those applauded and declared as heroes of the frontline, and yet those who were not treated as such. Hurrah for empty rhetoric. Why was this (among other unethical actions rooted in austerity,) not seen as a reason to remove him from power? Do we not believe we deserve better?

How did I get COVID, courtesy of New York State? It might seem unlikely, considering I only left my apartment twice in the last 12 months, with a mask of course. Refraining from visits from friends and family, the only people who were in my home were PCAs (personal care attendants) who I rely on for assistance. However, for reasons that remain unclear, there is no mandatory COVID testing policy within these home health care agencies. This was not a fluke, this is a widespread problem.

I heard stories of home healthcare workers dying (on the job, in the office), and while all employees were encouraged to get tested, unlike with the flu shot, a person could still work regardless if they've been tested or not. If you feel sick, don't come to work, they were told, but this alone is not enough, as one can be asymptomatic and still spread the virus to others. This was common knowledge and yet?

There I was, November 2020, with a persistent 18+ day fever (among other COVID symptoms), with no idea who gave me COVID, and with an abysmal lack of access to actually get tested. In New York City, I had to wait three months just to get a blood test at home, which I later found out, was not even the right kind of COVID test if you currently have it. I had zero access to the nose or saliva tests, as I could not travel (due to the fever) even to the local testing sites or urgent care centers in my neighborhood. And while New York City had a program where they'd send you a free saliva test kit, it was only if you could prove that you came in contact with someone with COVID. But since there was no mandatory testing for PCAs, I could not. (And yes, I explained my situation to the city employee I spoke to about the program, but they would not or could not make an exception. I also wrote a local politician for help, but I never got a response.) But surely I could go to the hospital and get help there? No, that too was not an option. For in the state of New York (and sadly with several states during the pandemic), there is a state criteria (think capitalism meets eugenics), that basically says when the demand for ventilators is greater than the supply, not every COVID patient is viewed as worth saving. And surprise surprise, disabled people like me were not seen as having the same value as our able bodied peers. Fun fact: Hitler also believed that disabled lives were not worthy of living. To be clear, I am not calling anyone here a Nazi, but I am absolutely suggesting that it would behoove society to reexamine that shared belief. I remember once my fever subsided, I went to urgent care as my oxygen was dipping as low as 88%. And the urgent care doctor said “If your oxygen goes below 90%, even if in time it stabilizes (as mine does if I remain silent), you need to go to ER.” Only as a disabled person, I could not. And yes, the state criteria is not always in effect, but it can go into effect at any moment in time – and then what?

[image description: photo of Michael Hickson, a black disabled man who is grinning and looking at the camera. He is sitting in a motorized wheelchair] RELATED: Disability rights group, ADAPT of Texas Protests Hospital Killing of Michael Hickson, A Black Disabled Man RELATED: Disability Rights Activists Sue Cuomo over Ventilator Discrimination But surely someone, the city, the state thought of a backup plan, so that the people impacted by the state criteria would not be left in the lurch? No, they did not. When I explained why I could not go to the hospital to the urgent care doctor, he became flustered. “Well... but you have to, it's medically dangerous for you ... not to go” to which I replied “It's dangerous for me to go.” In that moment, it was obvious that he did not know what to do other than to say “I'm sorry.” Why was there not a backup plan? Is the city and state nonchalant when it comes to disabled people being harmed and possibly dying? Did they forget? The city and state both have designated departments about disability. So, what happened? And while I go to great lengths to rise up and feed my soul as needed, as a disabled person, I am angry, I am sad and I am tired on so many levels. Even before the pandemic, me and my community (who exists within every marginalized community), were fighting cuts to medicaid and home healthcare services in New York , so we wouldn't be forced from our homes and into the institutions and nursing homes, including the ones that Cuomo a year or so later would knowingly send COVID patients to.

[image description: tiled image of the New York State license plate, with the word ableism on each plate. the plates are normally dark blue and white but this image has a faded rainbow overlay on it]

And then... the pandemic hit, and politicians like Mayor DeBlasio said plenty about how we must protect seniors and “the vulnerable”, but didn't even mention disabled people till much later. Like austerity, disability erasure is too an act of violence. And then I got COVID, courtesy of the state and a lack of protective policies. My oxygen dips too low on a daily basis. The other day, I left a dear friend a mere 5 minute audio message and my oxygen levels dipped down to 92%. I cough my brains out every morning, as there is too much liquid in my chest. (Meanwhile both my doctors agree I am a candidate for at home oxygen support, but my insurance will only cover at home oxygen support, if my oxygen dips too low at night. I suspect they figure that if it goes too low during the day, I should just go to the hospital.) And do note, that I am not suggesting the entirety of this mess was all local government as Trump's role in this is not small. This article is not intended to be fuel for the Cuomo versus Trump, Trump versus Cuomo agenda. I don't want to hear how it's not this party or that party's fault. All sides are guilty.

[image description top: an illustration of a colorful person looking confused asking “Ableism? What’s ableism?” Below that is a graphic with a white background and black “typewriter” font text. It reads, ”Ableism is… (a form of) discrimination.The false idea that disabled people are by default, inferior. When in truth, disability is just another way for a mind and/or body to be.”] Take action. Share this article. Discuss this with your friends. Re-examine any negative or (ableist) ideas you were taught about disability, for as long as we perpetuate the false ideas of abled supremacy, that disability equals inferior, tragic and better off dead, the easier it will be for the system to justify and get away with the oppression. Ask your politicians what happened? I wish that I had the energy to organize an action, more than what I've suggested, but as a longhauler I do not, which weighs on me more than I can say. But know that often when marginalized communities are attacked, a common sentiment you hear is: this is not what this country is about. But if you look at our history, this is exactly what our country is about. This is not new, but that doesn't mean we can't change that.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: This graphic is mostly black and white with the exception of 3 colors. The style is minimal. Towards the top in a thick black font, reads the words “Choose.” The two O’s in the word, are larger than the rest of the word, and have a larger red (for one O) and an orange circle (for the other O) in back of them. On top of the first O, is the letter S. To the right of S is a somewhat thin black line that stretches out to the right. Underneath is a black rectangle, with a blue square and red line in it - like a really minimal deconstruction American flag. The S then goes down to include the O, followed by an L and then after the L, the rest of the letters in Solidarity are to the right. To the left is a list (in black font) that reads Racism, Xenophobia, Transphobia, Islamophobia, Sexism, Homophobia, Ableism* (*Discrimination Against Disabled People). Lastly to the right is a black rectangle with a vertical white line cutting through it. It has white text in it that reads “Solidarity is not just a word, it’s an action.” and below that in small black font is the url of this site. “whatisableism.tumblr.com”]

[onestowatch]

Lowertown Is Growing Up [First Look + Q&A]

Photo: Shamshawan Scott

Olivia Osby and Avsha Weinberg always knew they wanted to make music. The difficult part came when the inevitable questions of how and with who would arise. At least that was the case until a chance encounter in a high school math class in suburban Atlanta, which would eventually serve as the birthplace for Lowertown. Now, a few odd years later Olivia and Avsha find themselves signed to Dirty Hit, home to the likes of The 1975 and beabadoobee, and aiming to make their most ambitious project to date.

“The Gaping Mouth,” a sprawling confessional that blends soft-spoken lyricism bordering on avant-garde poetry and experimental indie rock instrumentation, arrives as the first taste of that ambition. The titular single from their forthcoming EP, set to release September 16, feels like a daring call to arms, a single firework shot in the dark, impossible to ignore and indistinguishable. Most notably of all, it feels like a noted maturation for the duo, a step forward into new, uncharted territory.

On the new single, Osby ponders on the object of her affection, or rather attention, repeatedly uttering the lines “You are the iris in my eye” until they no longer seem to be coming from her, taking on the weight of a mantra spoken outside herself. It’s only one such instance of the duo’s newfound stream-of-conscious lyrical approach, which sees them ruminating on the fallacy of growing up and the associated fantasies that come with it. All of this is complemented by the duo’s fearless instrumentation and production flourishes, which call to mind everything from experimental ‘90s indie rock to the sonic detours that permeated Sufjan Steven’s early works. 

We had the chance to speak to Lowertown via e-mail about the difficulties of shifting from “teenagerdom” to adulthood, the advantages of having a french fry fork and their bold new musical direction.

You two originally met in a high school math class. How did the discussion of music first get brought up and how did it lead to forming Lowertown?

Avsha: Olivia was a new student at the school, and I was shy, so we had sat next to each other for some time before we really had any conversation. After some months, I would look at the music Olivia would listen to over her shoulder and make small excited comments or jokes. That’s how our friendship began, through comments about Olivia’s love of emo music or my insufferable judgment on some new music I had heard. It took a year for us to start thinking about doing music together. The eventual forming of Lowertown happened on a beach in Ottawa, where I was again making a judgment on some new song I had found and decided to show Olivia some of my demos. That was where we decided to work together. Those demos and others eventually formed our first record Friends

Were there ever any thoughts about pursuing music before that fateful meeting?

Olivia: I’d always hoped to be able to do music professionally, but it had always seemed like it was so far away from being possible. I always knew that even if my solo music did not work out as a career, I wanted to work in the music field. Whether that was becoming a manager for other musicians or becoming a booking agent, I knew for a long time I wanted to be surrounded by music no matter what I ended up doing.

A: I had spent almost my entire life hoping to be a musician. I started playing classical piano at age four, and up until two years ago, was planning on going to a conservatory and becoming a concert pianist. As my taste expanded, I taught myself guitar, drums, bass, and production, all with the hopes of continuing professionally. Growing up, I was exposed to many different artists and genres, and I always wanted to give people what the music that I grew up with gave to me. The demos that I had recorded in middle school were the ones I showed Olivia and the ones that led to us knowing that we had to start a band.

What was it like signing to Dirty Hit?

A: The process of signing was definitely a difficult one as we had begun talking with the label only a few months before COVID, and as we were narrowing down on the decision to sign, it became incredibly difficult to see a scenario where we would be able to meet anybody on the label. We ended up having many, many FaceTime and Zoom conversations, wherein we were able to talk in-depth with the team and get a good sense of the label. These conversations were really great, and it was a great signifier of the relationship to come as we have had a really great relationship with the label. Although the signing process was tumultuous, we were able to grasp that the relationship between Dirty Hit and their artists was a familial one, and that made us incredibly excited to work together.

If you could have one thing in the world at this very moment, what would it be?

O: A good night’s sleep. I have terrible insomnia and can’t remember the last time I had one.

A: A french fry fork. I’m pretty exhausted with how messy eating french fries is.

Has the past year affected how your approach music at all?

A: In the past, I knew that the more I worked, the better I became, but this year has shown me that the times that you choose to completely leave some things alone are just as important as the times that you focus all your energy on them. I was completely drained of inspiration and motivation until I was able to sit and do absolutely nothing. The lack of music helped me realize that there was a lot about myself that I wasn’t thinking about. I was able to learn more about myself and have new sources of inspiration and thought.

O: For sure. This year has given me an excessive amount of time to get better at playing music in general since I’ve been on my own so much. It has also given me too much time to sit and think by myself, which can be beneficial for music but also pretty detrimental at the same time. I’ve ended up feeling like my old sound and writing process was really stale, since I had been writing songs the same way for years. I’ve ended up experimenting a lot with new sounds and approaches to songwriting, which has been extremely refreshing and I feel like it’s brought out some of my best work. I used to put way less emphasis on instrumentation, but now that I’ve progressed a lot musically, I’ve written a lot of instrumentation that I’m very proud of and that has ended up developing into Lowertown work. I also learned a lot about production over this past year which has been extremely inspiring and helpful for my solo work.

How did you approach the songwriting on “The Gaping Mouth?” The lyricism and experimental instrumentation are honestly breathtaking.

A: When composing the instrumentals, I wanted to write a song that was very expressive and unique but that worked entirely on feeling rather than a traditional verse and chorus song. I wanted to write the piece with points that I knew the guitars would push Olivia’s voice to the forefront and points that raised the energy around Olivia’s words. Olivia’s lyrics are so personal, and she always has so much to say, so I wanted the whole song to ebb and flow together with the identical, and occasionally reciprocal, emotion and intimacy.

O: Avsha sent me this beautiful guitar piece one day and it immediately connected with me, and I stayed up all night working on it. I recorded a demo take of the vocals, just singing/talking over the song where it felt right and natural. That first take I took at home at four in the morning actually ended up being used in the final song because it felt so emotive and raw. The first vocal take had an unmatched authenticity that we couldn’t capture again in the studio no matter how many takes we tried. Our producer Catherine ended up falling in love with it as well and did not want to try to replicate something that was already amazing as it was.

There’s a real sense of maturation present not just in the delivery of the single but in the lyrics, “Being stupid and being 15 / Being older and think I know who I am and what I want… / The way I stay the same and I never change.” Is growing up or rather the idea of growing up a central theme to the music you’re currently working on?

O: I had just graduated high school when we were writing this new project, and I was feeling extremely anxious about the trajectory of my life. I kept thinking about if I was doing all that I should be doing at this age and how much had I really changed since the beginning of high school. I felt like a lot of mannerisms and detrimental ways of thinking that had plagued me when I was 14-15 were still incredibly present in my life, and it felt pathetic to think that I had not made much progress on some of my biggest shortcomings since I had first become a teenager. I feel like at 18/19, you’re not quite an adult, but you’re no longer just a teenager. You begin to shoulder real responsibility and have a lot of agency over your life. It’s quite terrifying being the one who has the power to make important personal decisions. If you screw up, it’s on you and no one else. The transition from high school where you have assignments to turn in every day and tests and a crazy amount of structure (you wake up and go to bed the same time every weekday) to making music and creating with a self-made schedule can be extremely jarring. I’m still grappling with that transition, as my workflow can sometimes trail into six in the morning which sometimes becomes a problem.

“The Gaping Mouth” is the eponymous single from your forthcoming EP. What can people expect from your new EP?

O: It’s gonna be leveled up from anything we’ve dropped before! This is our first project recorded in a studio setting as well as working in-person with a producer. We’ve matured since our last project as musicians and we’ve simply grown more into adults. A lot of this was written when we were 18 and when we’d just turned 19, and a lot of things happened at that point in our lives to write about. Our producer Catherine really helped push me to my full potential while working together. There are some louder songs mixed with some instrumentally dense and beautiful songs. There’s a good amount of experimentation as well in this project that I’m excited for everyone to hear.

A: We’ve focused so much on our songwriting and composition; I think people will be able to hear how we’ve matured. I think this EP reflects our need to always change our sound and grow it. It’s exciting because I think it’s really fresh and still has our musical roots sewn into the core.

And what’s one thing you hope people take away from this next stage of your music?

A: I hope people are able to see the world and the story that we want to create with our music. I hope people can see that our sound will always be maturing and that our music can be surprising and exciting.

O: I feel like our fan base has grown alongside us. Lowertown has been a project since we were 16 and it feels like it has already come so far, which is so amazing and I’m really thankful for everything that’s happened thus far. I hope our music can continue to authentically capture each stage of life Avsha and I live through while making music together. This record was written fresh after graduating high school, so I hope those who are grappling with the jarring transition from teenagerdom to adulthood can find some solace in the feelings expressed in this record.

What is your go-to fast food order?

O: We’re both pescatarian so sometimes finding easy fast food can be annoying. I’m a big burrito person so I’ll always get a bean burrito with a ton of veggies.

A: A universal choice for me in any fast food place would be an extra large order of fries, or however many is the most they offer, and a large Diet Coke. There were points during this year where every day of the week was punctuated with an absurd amount of McDonald’s fries and hot sauce.

Who are your Ones To Watch?

O: Pretty Sick , Horse Jumper of Love, N0v3l

A: Uboa, OOIOO, Donzii

[aventurasdeunatortuga]

Laredo Part 2 Week 2

First photo is yesterday’s grocery haul. Second and third photos show our stock of underwear and boys’ clothes. Fourth photo shows our COVID isolation building, the last photo is the church hall that has been converted into an emergency shelter to accommodate the 200-300 people staying each night at La Frontera. The main shelter building can only accommodate about 150.

I’ve been back in Laredo for about 2 weeks now, which is how long I stayed the last time I was here. I still have about 2 weeks left. Last time I was here I remember being completely and utterly burnt out by the end of 2 weeks and I can feel myself burning out again now.

I’ve been splitting my days between the two shelters, La Frontera and Holding, and they are so different. At La Frontera I feel very welcomed and involved and useful and the people seem a bit friendlier, but the flip side of that is that there is so much chaos and lack of organization it honestly stresses me out so much. There are just so many people in such desperate need all the time and there are maybe 3-4 volunteers each day trying to prioritize which crisis needs to be dealt with first. Usually that ends up being transportation and food. Things like clothing and cleaning and toiletries and organization have fallen by the wayside. We’ve been getting hundreds and hundreds of people in really terrible conditions clear until 2:30 in the morning every single day and we just simply do not have the people needed to make it run smoothly, so volunteers in the evening have just been opening the closet and letting folks grab what they need at random, which results in even more chaos and disorganization. The last few days when I’ve come in there have just been enormous piles of stuff all over the floor and garbage everywhere. It is really stressful.

Yesterday we realized that no one had gone grocery shopping, and there wasn’t much food left in the pantry. I don’t know how that system normally works, if there even is one, from what I can tell it is random volunteers buying food and occasionally community members donating food. We cooked all the food there was and served as many people as we could but here were about 250 people at breakfast who hadn’t eaten in several days.

Most of the groups that come in haven’t eaten in several days, but this group looked truly, truly desperate for food. The children were all screaming and the adults were trying to hold themselves back so as to not push or shove but I could tell it was hard. The heartbreaking part was that we didn’t have enough food for all of them, and about 50 folks went without food. We didn’t even have anything like granola bars or bread slices or cereal or anything to offer them.

Me and one of the nuns went to the grocery store and bought two fulls carts worth of food, we bought this yesterday morning and already today it is almost all gone. I feel frustrated with the leadership at this shelter, it feels like there is none. One of the directors is constantly out of the building driving people places and doesn’t answer her phone and the other is constantly putting out fires with border patrol and the police and the hospital and the city government, etc so she is never there either. The entire shelter depends on the 3-4 community members and out of town volunteers that show up at irregular hours and most of whom only stay for a few days.

The worst part is seeing how this lack of organization impacts the people coming through, who are already dealing with a lot of trauma and I know the chaos here isn’t helping.

But there’s only so much we can do. I started falling apart this morning after wading through so much garbage to try to get through the kitchen. I got very overwhelmed and started getting snappy at people, which doesn’t help anyone. One of the newer volunteers stepped up to help while I took a break. When I came back the both of us were able to get a number of the folks staying at the shelter to help us. We got folks to clean up all the garbage and clean the tables and sweep the floors and help us with the food. They were happy to help and were appreciative of what we were doing.

I’ve been at La Frontera shelter from 9-2 most days, which is usually when we finish serving lunch. Then I head over to Holding Community Center until about 7pm. The difference between the two shelters is night and day. While La Frontera has only 2 paid employees, Holding has 18 employees, most of whom are on site for the entire day 7 days a week. It makes an enormous difference. The flip side of that though is that I don’t feel super helpful there and the people have kind of set systems in place and a few staff members don’t seem very open to volunteers coming in to help as they are overwhelmed and don’t want anyone upsetting their system. It’s also different in that all of the folks staying here stay outside or in the vacant classrooms at the community center, the volunteers all work in a separate building and very rarely directly interact with the folks staying there. So while I’m there I essentially sit at a table and organize baby wipes and baby food for 3.5 hours straight. Then I help serve dinner and then I’m done for the day. We aren’t allowed to directly interact with the folks staying here because there are a lot of cases of COVID on the buses, the folks staying here tested negative but were still exposed so we’re trying to be very careful, but still it is kind of frustrating when folks knock on the door and ask for things like a bottle of water and to hear that I’m not allowed to give them water until a specific time or else everyone is going to be trying to get one. It’s definitely two ends of a spectrum.

I’ve been trying to interact with folks by doing a ‘diaper cart’ every afternoon. I load up a cart with diapers and formula and wipes and just walk around outside offering things to people.

Today I helped serve dinner to the main group of COVID negative people, but then I was also asked to bring dinner over to the group of people who tested positive for COVID. They are being quarantined in an empty warehouse across the street. They have nurses there and everyone wears masks. They have to quarantine for at least 10 days, and receive one change of clothes and a hygiene kit when they first arrive. They get a blanket and a cot and stay there until they recover. I hadn’t been over there before and was a bit nervous about it.

It was truly terrible to see. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a more miserable place. We stood in the doorway while folks lined up by the door. We handed food off to the nurses and they then handed the food to the people waiting in line. There were at least 100 people in there, packed wall to wall on cots and all of them coughing and looking so sick.

The medical team was treating them well and they had the basics that they needed, but it just broke my heart seeing so many sick people in one place. The hospitals will not accept them because they don’t have health insurance. Most were exposed to COVID in ICE detention, because ICE does not test the people they detain and keep people confined in close quarters for extended periods of time. If folks get extremely ill the hospital will accept them for 48 hours. The shelter is the only place in town that will accept them, if the shelter was not there ICE would have just left them on the street.

It’s been a really long week. I’m trying to not let all of this get to me. The most difficult part I think is seeing all of these problems and feeling so powerless to help. At La Frontera shelter it seems like a neverending crisis and lack of resources and organization that me as a part time volunteer cannot realistically fix, which is really hard to accept. There were some rooms I came across today that were in such a state of disarray I just had to close the door and walk away, because there was no way I could take that on. At Holding, there are enough resources and organization, but seeing the people quarantined and seeing the busloads that come in each day of more and more sick people breaks my heart. Right when I was walking out the door at 6:45pm today a busload of 130 more people arrived, and staff was trying to decide if they should feed them or test them for COVID first, because the medical staff and the food team were leaving for the night and they didn’t know what to do. It was hard to accept that there wasn’t really anything I could do in that situation.

I’m trying to do what I can. I’ve been fundraising and have raised around $750 so far. I’m planning on using most of it for underwear and food for La Frontera shelter. Both shelters depend entirely upon donations though and I know that even if I spend all of that money today that all of the donations bought from it would likely be gone by the end of the week.

What really needs to happen here is systemic change. There needs to be drastic changes to our immigration policies, ICE as an institution needs to be shut down or at the bare minimum be investigated for their treatment of folks being detained by them. The fact that people come out of there exposed to COVID and without having eaten for several days is unconscionable. There needs to be government funding and disaster relief teams for folks seeking asylum, it is absurd that a bunch of random volunteers and community organizations are having to take on a humanitarian crisis of this scale.

I’ll go into this in a later post, but the United States is almost entirely responsible for creating the conditions that have caused so many folks to flee their home countries. It is the absolute bare minimum that the US can do to accept folks that are fleeing the situations that we created. They do not want to leave their homes, they are being forced to.

Rant over.

Until next time,

[dogtorj]

My blog starts with a good day!

I don’t think it’s a surprise to people that the veterinary profession is full of ups and downs. We start (luckily!) with an up kind of day. At least I left work with a smile.

My morning begins as an easier one. I am on a shift that means I am effectively an extra hand. My responsibility is prescriptions, and I can be taken away from this to put a cannula in, take some blood for a blood test, or be a “bum-stop” (to sit behind/scratch a patients bum while other things happen to them, as a distraction and minor restraint). The dogs I need to do this with are easily distracted with a high-pitched tone of voice and a bum scratch; and the morning goes without a hitch. I call a couple of clients to confirm their prescription requests / let them know they will need a prescription review soon as we haven’t seen their pets in a while; and then at 10:30am, it’s time to start consults.

Most of my consults this morning are for vaccinations. Routine, not presenting for a problem, more an opportunity for pets to have a positive interaction with us rather than be scared; and to catch up with the owners too (so important to so many of us in the current pandemic!). One of these patients happens to be a patient I operated on 10 months ago, for being kicked in the head by a horse, leaving a 1-inch-diameter hole in her skull. It’s awesome to see her doing so well, I have to admit I didn’t even recognise her at this stage, as a full-grown adult with all the fur having grown back on her head. I also see a very charming and well-behaved bulldog, called Angus, whose complicated eye ulcer has healed just a week after me debriding it with a diamond burr. I was able to do this without sedation as he sits so still. He gets 3 treats, and I feel pretty chuffed with myself.

Afternoon consults. More booster vaccinations. We are behind with COVID-19 lockdown having halted us a fair bit, and people having been pushed back a few months, so we have some catching up to do. A couple of them are nervous and require muzzling, but we manage to keep them calm in the consult room, and I don’t hear so much as a growl. I must be giving off calm vibes today!

In my afternoon consults, I come across a cat with constipation. He has been trying his hardest to go to the toilet today but to no avail. He is elderly and is already on laxatives to help this problem. I’m concerned that he now has a brain tumour. His owner reports following questioning, that he does tend to walk round in circles, and to me he doesn’t seem as ‘awake’ as his normal self would. He’s a little wobbly on all 4 legs, but gets around ok. I speak to the owner about my concerns. This is a difficult thing to prove. This would require an MRI but he is 18 years old and on discussion we’re not wanting to send him away to a specialist for an anaesthetic to do this. We choose to help with his constipation. I keep him in one of our ‘cat pods’ for the afternoon and give him a suppository to help the muscle contractions required to pass the firm poop I can feel in his abdomen. He requires a little ‘manual’ assistance - but he appears visibly brighter and happier afterwards. He goes home, owner aware of my worry with him longer-term.

Between consulting blocks, I get handed some flowers, a box of chocolates, and a card. In the card are some heartfelt words from a client I have seen for the last 2 years, as long as I’ve been in this particular job. She thanks me for looking after their dear old mini dachsund. I had diagnosed him with congestive heart failure way back when he was already in his teenage years’ and we had managed it since. Every recheck he’d happily plodded his way in to the consult room to see me, and every recheck we’d check in with each other and talk about making the end of his life as good and comfortable as possible. And he just kept going, kept being happy. He had been put to sleep by one of my colleagues while I was away, and yet the owner had felt the need to thank me personally for all we’d done in the last almost two years. A flash of regret waves over me that I hadn’t been there to say goodbye, but I also know that the time would have been right. It doesn’t happen to me often, but I do hold back some tears as I prepare for evening consults.

Evening consults. These are fairly routine. A limping dog I think will get better with some rest. An ear infection that is likely due to an underlying allergy (we discuss how to get this under control and also how to keep it that way). I see one of my surgeries back from 2 weeks ago. This was a removal of a very large lump. The removal left a very big hole (skin really stretches and pulls apart when you cut it). I used suturing techniques that would take some of the tension off the wound, and it so happens that its worked brilliantly. I’m chuffed. This particular dogs’ nipples now sit more on his side than on his underside, but I don’t think it bothers him too much! He’s super happy to see me, and he no longer needs to wear the toddler hoodie he’s had to wear for the last 2 weeks to protect the stitches that I remove.

All in all, I’ve left the day feeling brilliant. I have a bunch of tulips in my hand, and I know I’ve done good. Not every day is like this, not at all. But it’s days like this that make me realise I’m truly in the profession I’m meant to be in and that I’m fairly good at it!

[flamestoflight]

I’m just overwhelmed.

Things at work have been really overwhelming. As I mentioned I;ve spent the past 2 weeks in the covid ICU which is a really tough place to be and often nerve-wracking with these patients being so sick or a really heavy assist. I’ve had a tech with me for half of the mornings on most days to help me, which is SO helpful but also makes me feel like I’m much more on the spot since I now have someone else who I am sharing my clinical reasoning with and demonstrating my skillset with and if I make a little mistake or have a less-than-pretty transfer, someone else is in the room to witness it, you know? It also means i see 3 people in a row and don’t document anything bc i dont want to waste her time which makes catching up on documentation tough and stressful. today i also put her in what I feel is a situation that i should have been taking responsibility for, which i feel bad about and i just messaged her to apologize but. taking that leadership/teaching role is something that i’m just not fully used to yet and has been a bit stressful on top of the stress of being on that unit

i also found out that i was accepted onto the cardiac service, which i applied to last week after someone else left. which is a REALLY overwhelming switch since they have 2 ICUs and i will need to be ECMO and and intraaortic balloon pump and LVAD trained and there are 2 VERY smart therapists left on that service who are quite intimidating at times and very strict in their ways and can be tough to deal with at times. I will need to become MUCH more familiar and sure with medications, EKG readings, and life support equipment than I ever have been before since I know I will be pushed and put to the test. and the one therapist on cardiac has been known to push therapists out the door which makes me nervous. but it’s what i’m interested in and so i went for it. surgery is my safe zone. It’s a service i love and am familiar with and i find it easy. I really am pushing myself, which is entirely overwhelming me right now. i know it will be good for me, it’s just a lot to handle 

i also am dealing with moving, which will happen over the course of 2 weekends and i am just overwhelmed with figuring out what I’m moving and when, trying to re-arrange weekends and i picked up a weekend shift for a friend right after the day i move which was a mistake but i was trying to be helpful and now i’m in a tough spot. I am trying to figure out where i should float my holiday DDO and i can’t figure out what would be the best day or if i should just save it and ive been staring at calendars for what feels like hours over the past week and i’m just overwhelmed. i will also start commuting now and need to go to the gym before work like drive to a gym and then shower there (??) maybe? before work im not sure. but i don’t have the convenience of an apartment gym anymore which makes morning schedules earlier and longer

i had coffee when i got home and have done essentially nothing since then. i have to shower and i was supposed to pack but i just feel frozen with anxiety right now over everything that is going on. i did message out the apology and also talked with my parents and my sister about what im moving and when and days off and stuff but i still just feel like i’m in a thought spiral that isn’t ending or resolving it’s just spinning and i! am! overwhelmed!