#an irl friend of mine is having a rough time especially at work so I (not knowing how to comfort people) was like 'would a daily pun help?'

[melonpond]

it turns out it only takes 4 weeks of sending someone a pun every single night before they inquire about your mental health

[hp-hcs]

i see your theo and mattheo are bottoms post so i ask of you BOTTOM 👏🏻 YANDERE 👏🏻 FICS 👏🏻 i'd go feral if you dropped any plsplspls 😭‼️

• smut • hook up boyfriend — yandere! switch! theodore nott x male! switch! toxic! reader

look at this little bottom bitch he’s mine back off

so, my boyfriend proofreads most of my works on here, and i gave him my rough draft for this ask. he then said, and i quote, "jesus christ, [hp-hcs]. you write smut like a nun." and then he took my phone from me. so basically, this is a long winded way of saying that my boyfriend helped me write all the smexy stuff. tell me if I should let him keep helping me or if he's a god awful smut writer who should not be allowed within a hundred feet of my tumblr, mkay?

INCREDIBLY TOXIC READER JFC WHYD I MAKE YOU SUCH A MANIPULATIVE BASTARD IDK

WARNINGS: SMUT MDNI, amab reader, switch reader, implied unprotected sex w/ multiple sexual partners (you’re not magic irl. wrap it before you tap it.), lot of power dynamic changes—traditional top dom/bottom sub but also some top sub/bottom dom stuff as well, toxic shit in general, lot of manipulation, pretty mild yandere from theo, degradation, praise

i’m of the opinion that theo would be a bottom/dom just so that he could save face for posterity

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“What do you mean I can’t hook up with him?”

“Because you’re already hooking up with me!”

“So? We’re not exclusive, Theodore.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Friends with benefits. That’s it. I’m not beholden to give you my loyalty and undivided attention, dipshit.”

Theo growls and runs a hand through his hair while he paces around his dorm. You lay back on his bed, watching him with a bored expression.

“But he’s my best friend, Y/n!”

“Mhm. He’s also a damn good fuck.”

“I don’t need to know that!”

“Why not? You seem to enjoy fucking your friends, no?” You shrug, stretching out across his bed without a single care. “Maybe you ought to add Matty to your hook up rotation.”

“Matty?”

“Yeah? I’ve got nicknames for all my partners, Teddy-Bear.”

“All?!” Theo splutters. “Well- well, tell me this. Does he even satisfy you? Do you ever think of me when he’s fucking you?”

“He’s the bottom, actually.”

“Wh- huh?”

“He’s the bottom,” you repeat. “Why are you shocked? You’re well aware I’m a switch, Theo. And everyone knows that Mattheo is a Bottom-with-a-capital-B.”

A flame of white-hot jealousy heats up Theo’s skin. He grits his teeth in barely-restrained anger; it’s as if just saying the wrong thing right now would cause him to snap and go hunt down Riddle to put his head on a pike.

“I could be your Bottom-with-a-capital-B. You don’t need Riddle. You’re mine, and I’m yours. Got that?”

You snort. “No offense, Teddy, but I couldn’t see you bottoming in a million years. You’re my top hook up. I’ve got bottom hook ups so that you don’t have to do that.”

He stubbornly crosses his arms over his chest. “Well, maybe it’s high time you teach me how to bottom then. I don’t want you seeing other people. Especially if it’s just because they give you something I’m too chicken to.”

You blink. “Huh. That’s some weirdly endearing possessive dedication, love.”

“I aim to please,” he says dryly, those unnervingly dead eyes of his seeming like they could see inside your soul when he stares at you.

You consider the offer before a wicked grin slowly spreads across your face. “I bet you do, darling.”

~~~

"Sh-shit! Fuck! Y-Y/n, I-"

“You gonna cum, pretty boy? Hm? Already?” He whimpers and nods frantically, his fingers scrabbling for hold on your shoulders and leaving stinging nail-bitten marks across your back.

Your teasing relents a bit at the sight of his blissed-out expression. Theo’s mouth hangs open in ecstasy, his eyes shut tightly and his back arching up from the mattress.

You groan at the sight of him splayed out under you. You grip his cock, reveling in his whimpers, and quickly start jacking him off in time to your thrusts. “C’mon, baby. You can do it. Be a good boy for me.”

His entire body stiffens as he cums with a moan that would make even a Muggle porn star blush.

You groan and start to slow down, but before you can fully pull out, he locks his knees around your hips to keep you in place.

"D-don't you fucking dare. More.”

“More?” You tease gently, hesitant to continue despite his request. “What a fucking slut you are, Teddy-Bear. Insatiable.”

He growls at your hesitance, far too impatient for that kind of bullshit.

He grips your shoulders, his knees tightening around your hips again as he uses all of that hot boy quidditch strength to roll you both over.

You let out a tiny yelp of surprise as he flips you onto your back. He whimpers loudly and moans at the shift in position, having to tuck his face into your neck for a moment while he collects himself.

Your hand moves up to comb your fingers through his hair, but he knocks it away before you can.

He sits up, supporting his weight with his hands flat on your chest, and takes a shaky breath at the shift of positions. “Want you t’ cum too.”

Your hands find his hips and grip them firmly, your breath becoming uneven as he starts to grind back and forth.

You help him raise himself up then lower his body again, listening to his sweet moans. As he finds a steady rhythm, you watch as his thighs begin to tremble.

“Merlin- I’ll never complain about you getting tired while riding me ever again. This is a fucking workout.”

“You’ll be fine. You’re not on the quidditch team for nothing.”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say.

His face darkens.

Maybe he just doesn’t like me bringing up his teammates while we’re literally fucking, you consider. Maybe he-

“How good of a fuck is Riddle anyways, huh? Could he ever ride you like this?”

Ah.

Fuck.

Mattheo’s on the quidditch team as well.

Theo starts moving with passion, roughly slamming down on you. “I asked you a question.”

“G-god- Theo!” You gasp, caught off guard by the sudden influx of sensations.

“Answer me.”

You whine and scratch your short fingernails over his abs, marveling at the pink and red lines that bloom at the surface a half-second later. “C-could never be as good as you, love. Shit- you’re perfect.”

He shivers at the sensation and grins slyly. “Perfect, huh?”

“Perfect,” you repeat, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him in for a slow kiss.

He sighs against your lips, returning the kiss. The sweet moment is cut off by you suddenly jerking your hips up into him and cursing loudly.

“Fuck- you feel so fucking good, babe-”

He gasps and his fingers claw frantically at your shoulders for any kind of support. “Merlin- I’m gonna-”

You watch as Theo’s second orgasm hits him and he goes practically boneless, slumping over on top of you.

He’s spasming around you like mad, and you can’t help but moan loudly when you cum just seconds later.

You both lay there in silence for a moment, trying to catch your breaths. Theo slowly eases himself off of your dick and rolls over to lay beside you.

“What‘s the final verdict?” You grin cheekily after a moment. “You a pillow prince now or nah?”

“Mmm…nah. I think I can settle for the label of switch though.”

“Aha! Welcome to the dark side!”

“Yeah, yeah. Shush. Now, roll over, I’m on top this time.”

~~~

“I heard you’re going steady with someone now.”

“Mm…mhm,” Theo hums an affirmative around the cigarette in his mouth, one hand cupped around the flame of his lighter as he lit it.

“Who’s the lucky fella?”

“Your ex-fuckbuddy.”

“Which one?”

“Y/n.”

Mattheo’s brow furrows. “Y/n? Y/n and I have never slept together.”

Theo suddenly launches into a coughing fit as he chokes on his lungful of smoke. “What?”

“Now, don’t get me wrong. I’d hit that in a heartbeat if he offered. But, I’m also like ninety percent sure that you’d kill me if I did that, and I rather enjoy being not-murdered, believe it or not. He is incredibly hot though.”

Theo just stared, his mouth hanging open.

You never slept with Mattheo?

What?

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

• standalone!! •

i will not be writing a part two!!

[rainbowwing251]

Hey, as someone who also fixates on young characters, it is pretty rough when your mind gets you to think you're a creep for adoring the said characters. But you gotta remind yourself that if you don't want to hurt actual kids, then you're still a good person. I've been told this multiple times in and out of therapy. I'm still working on believing that mindset. Not sure if it helps to be told that this mind trouble happens in others.

...also sorry i can't say much on the rest of the post. All that do be stressful but I don't want to overstep boundaries like I've done with trying to comfort others. Good luck with those brain battles.

I think you have a point with the young characters. I may be an adult, but I can see myself in characters like Shuichi Saihara, Cheren, or Double D. I think it’s because I relate to them so much that I begin to link them with tickling. What that says about me, I don’t know. All I know is that I have no intention of making anything NSFW with them, and I don’t want to hurt children IRL either.

I’ve been told by a friend of mine that my concerns with being fixated on younger characters could be intrusive thoughts that tell me I’m being a creep, when in reality, there’s no evidence for that. I’m not sure how true that is, but I could ask my therapist about it.

As for the rest of the post… maybe I’m being overreactive, mainly on the vehicles breaking down. It’s not the end of the world that they happened, everyone is safe, and as of writing, my dad’s car has been fixed, and my brother’s truck is likely going to be fixed soon too. The rest of it could be me overreacting too, but they’ve all hurt me in some way, shape, or form. Especially the Chugga drama, see the post I reblogged from my main in January for that.

I kind of rambled on here, but it’s been a few hours since I made the original post on my main blog and the tags on this blog, and I’ve had time to reflect. I do want to thank you, anon, for the reassurance on my fixation on younger characters. I can only hope that others will understand that I mean no harm…

[lovecolibri]

Being upset is so valid, I know it’s just a show but WHATEVER, you should allow yourself to feel what you feel! And you should also be allowed to have opinions and share them on your blog lmao I’ll be honest, I have several friends irl who watch 911 and ship buddie and we aallll cannot stand this show anymore lmao and it’s very liberating to be able to speak your mind. Sadly fandom, especially Tumblr for some reason, seems to be hellbent on making passive aggressive comments on people who don’t like what they like? I totally agree with you, if people enjoy it good for them, I’m not gonna make posts about how you have to be stupid to like it cause I don’t think that’s the case?? We are just looking for different things in a show and that’s okay! However I am a blocking machine cause I don’t see the point in reading takes that are so different from mine 😂 but it is very frustrating that any negative comment needs to be censured or you become the devil and also you are not capable of understanding long form of media and also you should stop watching the show hskshdk I have stopped watching the show and I still like to check what happened and I still like to complain, what can you do about it 😂 anyway I hope you’re okay, and take care of yourself! I remember when Roswell made me soooo mad and I had to deal with it alone and it sucked 😔 and you don’t have to publish this if you don’t want to, I don’t mean to create drama or anything, just wanted to be supportive 😂

Hey, thanks Nonnie! I think for a lot of people (I'm for sure one of them, yay neurodivergency), when you find something that's a source of serotonin, it can be QUITE the crash when it stops, and no matter how low your expectations, if you struggle with emotional regulation, the rollercoaster can be rough. Curating your experience is a MUST, and knowing how to manage when your brain tries to get the best of you is also a must! Sometimes that means commiserating with others who are also unhappy (NOT going into the inboxes of people who clearly disagree with you. stop that), sometimes it means logging off and doing something else, sometimes it means reading or writing fic or making content that makes you happy about the thing, sometimes it means not looking at ANYTHING about the thing. At the end of the day, we're all just trying to do what works for us.

As a survivor of RNM, I thought I could handle this but I think RNM got SO bad SO fast that it was always a lot of "here are 3 good things that people will make AMAZING fics/metas/content about and 85 things you will need to ignore or you will start seething with rage". Where as 911 was so consistent for so long that watching it struggle so hard (across the board, not just with Buddie, though that seems to get the brunt of it on the "nearly unwatchable" scale whereas other stuff is more "meh. they could have done this better") has been really rough because there is already so much love for the show built up and we have SEEN what it can be when it's at it's very best. And disliking certain arcs or story choices doesn't necessarily mean throwing the whole show out! There are LOTS of things I love about this show, and I'm not at the point for me where I'm ready to let the show go and I've never really understood the "don't like, don't watch" attitude every time anyone brings up a single complaint. It seems very "you HAVE to love every single thing and choice or you can't watch the show" when most people have things they both like and dislike about pretty much everything! It's okay to not like every single choice! (though if you legit find nothing to enjoy about a thing then it's maybe not for you and that's okay!)

Thanks for checking in! I have a lot of other stuff going on right now so it's very much like "why is this the thing we are focusing on, brain? Why are we allowing ourselves to feel like this? It's a show??" but hey! Sometimes our brains do whatever TF they want and we just gotta manage as best we can. At on the bright side, tumblr has filters! You can block tags! You can block content within posts! this will let you remove certain stuff from your experience without necessarily having to unfollow people. BUT! You can also unfollow people! You can block people! Make your experience what you want! And learn what works FOR YOU to manage your disappointment. Some people are "gotta get the anger out to let it go" people, and some are "gotta find the positive spin" people and some are both or neither. Find what works. Do that. Don't be dicks in people's inboxes, and don't drag the cast/crew into the drama on public sm platforms, they don't plan out the storylines.

[emcscared-whumps]

WiJ 2022 - 01: (Re)introduce Yourself

WiJ 2022 Navigation Post

Intro!!

Hi, I'm emc, and I write whump of original characters in original settings! I've had this blog since some time in August last year (2021), and in these short few months, I've come a long way in the whump community. Everyone I've met here is wonderful and friendly and I've enjoyed every second of whumpblr and whump discord.

I've had at least a vague awareness about my taste for (fictional) blood since I was a kid around 5 or 6, but I first remember seeking the whumperflies in my teens (I'll get more into that in tomorrow's post :3c), and later still, I discovered Whumpblr posts through Pintrest, and joined a whump discord server a few years later, and then made this blog a year after that ^-^' . Getting into whump is the best thing I've ever done tbh, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

(I can now run off whump derived dopamine instead of trying to be happy!! /j/j/j/j)

Some fun facts are... I'm Australian, I do karate, I'm in the Danny Phantom fandom, I have an interest in cutting gems and other semiprecious stones, I have three cats, I love plants and gardening, and my favourite colour is unironically a deep, cool red. I also draw!

Project Updates!

Since joining the community, I have made tremendous progress on my nearest and dearest project Shifting Phases! Not only do I now have a rough idea of how to get everyone to the end scenes, I've actually started writing it!!! I'm super excited! I want to get it beta read in its entirety before I post it though, so it's a long way off yet. (As a byproduct, this means that I'll never post the fic unfinished lmao)

This story has spawned an AU that somehow manages to be darker. It's still in the ideation phases (brainrot spam to all of my whump friends on discord, rip them), so it'll be a little while before you see much posted about this one :3

My friend I recently made a lot of progress on Satanus Magus! We have basically the whole plot figured out, it just needs to be beefed up with some scenes. I look forward to writing that all out in the word doc void :)

My friend and I actually hope to publish this irl one day, so, That's A Thing!

It's an older idea of mine, it spawned in around 2018... But getting out of school and into this community has really boosted my creativity (bouncing ideas around is a powerful tool). It's like an action movie, but instead of guns and explosions, it's elemental magic and explosions!! It's not an outright whumpy fic, but ofc bc I'm involved, there are definitely a lot of whump themes.

Lastly, I have a new fic idea kicking around in my head involving a vampire and a human. It's still veeeerrryyy early days for it, but I'm already in love with the concept, and I have been sorely lacking in vampire whump for many years. I look forward to working with Malté and Corwin >:3c though I'm sure the same eagerness is not extended back -rubs my evil little handses together-

My Favourite Whump Tropes! Oh man...

Collapse

Especially when they try and fail to get up again

A whumpee getting tangled and/or ensnared in something they can't get out of

A painful mobility impairment as a result of a traumatic injury

Delirium and panic where they don’t recognise their friend/caretaker, maybe they’re waking up from a nightmare, and they lash out at their friend/caretaker-- most fun with nightmares/night terrors ;DD

I'm recently getting into fucked up mental health shit >:)

Ab00se (but like, not romantic relationships)

Nonhuman whumpees (mer and vampire/demon whumpees are where it's at tbh)

Painful transformation (and the aftermath, especially if the whumpee ends up Different than they were Before)

Bonus points for terrified, horrified, and very uncoordinated bb getting used to their new body and having an awful time

Secret based whump where bad things happen if anyone ever finds out whumpee's secret

An injury jeopardising the secret-- the secret needs to be revealed it to treat the injury

A whumpee going stupidly far to hide a secret, leading to a dramatic collapse and injury/scar reveal :D

A secret reveal gone badly never fails to give me whumperflies <3

I love it when circumstances are what leads to the whump. Not all of my whumpees have whumpers at all times, and where the whump comes from often fluctuates, but a common theme of my works is that the whump is primarily a product of circumstance that enables my characters to be whumped, whether by another person (whumper), or otherwise.

A happy, or at the very least, a bittersweet ending

#These are a few of my favourite things#

Also, Tumblr just fucking ate this draft when I was 99% done, and I was a fool who did not frequently save, and now I'm starting from nothing but a (shit) memory so... I'm not angy, I'm just sad and tired lol, apologies if there're any dumb phrasing/grammatical errors lol I can't even think straight anymore gkjdhfg

(The beta post editor may be easier on my poor eyes, but It has a habit of eating things on occasion...)

@whumpmasinjuly

[madlori]

A quick primer on Schitt’s Creek

So apparently going by the comments on some of my fics I’ve done the thing where some of you who have been reading my fanfic a lot over the years want to read my newest stories without ever having seen the canon source material! You are all valid and I support you. 

So I thought it might be nice to write a bit of a primer on the show so you at least know what these people look like and who they are.

First of all I recommend just...uh, watching the show! It really is fantastic, and not just because of the amazing queer normalization. It’s funny and surprising and strange and heartwarming.

Caveat. A lot of people struggle with the first season. It is true that some viewers find it a rough start. The Roses all have significant character arcs and to do that you have to start from somewhere, let’s say. Also the tone of the show and its pace changed markedly between seasons two and three, which is when Dan Levy took over as head writer and they got a bunch of new writers. But even if you’re not quite feeling it from the first episode (I did not have this problem but some people do) I promise, you will be rewarded. And it’s fast, the episodes are only 20 minutes, so.

So! WTF even is this show. 

The Premise: The wealthy Rose family lose all their money when their finance guy absconds with it having never paid taxes. They’re left with nothing but the clothes (and wigs) on their backs and the ownership of a small town called Schitt’s Creek that father Johnny once bought for his teenage son as a joke. They relocate there and move into a dilapidated motel, thanks to the good graces of the town’s rednecky mayor, Roland Schitt (Chris Elliott). There they occupy two adjoining rooms, the parents in one and siblings in the other.

The Roses

Johnny (Eugene Levy) - Patriarch Johnny Rose made his money with a chain of video stores. Johnny is the straight man of the family, finding himself constantly shepherding his dramatic spouse and offpsring. 

Moira (Catherine O’Hara) - a former soap opera star, Moira is a creature not of this reality, it sometimes seems. She is an eccentrically outlandish persona who cares deeply for her family but is often befuddled as to how to handle those emotions or express them. 

David (Dan Levy) - firstborn son David is probably the character most viewers connect with first and more strongly, for a variety of reasons. His personal arc(s) are really the show’s emotional backbone. A former gallerist and pansexual aesthete, David is constantly frustrated by the Incorrectness of everything happening to the family.

Alexis (Annie Murphy) - younger sister and socialite, kind of a Coachella girl, who has spent most of her life globetrotting and getting herself mixed up in outlandish scenarios (it’s a running joke on the show for her to drop in “That one time when I was...” stories as offhand remarks). David is very protective of her even though they fight constantly, and often bailed her out of her Situations when their parents were too caught up in their own stuff.

The Honorary Roses

While the central “character” of the show is the Rose family, in my opinion there are six core characters, which includes these two.

Stevie Budd (Emily Hampshire) - Employee of (and later owner of) the motel where the Roses fetch up. She is David’s best friend and the first person in town he connects with. She is snarky and deadpan and sarcastic. She and David have a short-lived romantic/sexual relationship which ends amicably in season two, but their close friendship remains an important part of the show (yet another thing SC does that’s quietly revolutionary - feature exes who decided to be just friends and then actually do that). She later develops a strong surrogate-father relationship with Johnny as he becomes the co-owner of the motel.

Patrick Brewer (Noah Reid) - David’s business partner, and by the end of the show, husband. Although the show has a great deal to offer apart from this, a lot of people watch mostly for the David & Patrick relationship (which is fine, it’s a big part of the show). Note: if you are watching for this, Patrick does not appear in the show until the mid-third season. At first Patrick seems like an oasis of down-to-earth normalcy amidst all these larger-than-life personalities but it doesn’t take long to realize he’s actually an enormous troll who expresses his love for David by gently roasting him constantly.

And the Others - The show is an ensemble, and apart from these six folks, includes a lot of great secondary characters. Veternarian Ted Mullens (Alexis’s on/off boyfriend), Mayor Roland Schitt and his wife Jocelyn (who is one of my favorite characters), town council curmudgeons Ronnie and Bob, cafe waitress Twyla (played by Dan Levy’s sister Sarah), the local all-gender Casanova woodworker Jake, and the Schitts’ adult son Mutt, Alexis’s first hookup in town.

The Arc: This show is about how the Rose family - who have historically been distant and disconnected - had to lose all their money to find themselves as a family, and later, for each of them to find new fulfillment for themselves. They start out chafing and struggling to get out of this new reality, trying to find a way to sell the town, get “back to normal,” but gradually, they fit themselves into the community. Their family reconnection is pretty strong by the end of S2 (the final scene of that season was my first teary moment) and starting in S3, each of them finds a way to rediscover themselves. Johnny invests in the motel and in Stevie. Moira joins the town council and the local women’s a cappella singing group. Alexis goes back to school and starts pursuing a career in public relations. David takes over a vacant general store and turns it into the Rose Apothecary (which you have probably seen on merch everywhere), a venue for local artisans to sell what they make. It is through this venture that he meets Patrick, who first consults and then decides to invest and become David’s partner in the store.

The show is at the same time outlandish, hilarious, touching, abrasive and over the top. The Roses are over-the-top characters - especially Moira, who speaks in an unidentifiable accent and uses words that may or may not exist - and the story seems to exist in a kind of alternate reality (it’s a fandom joke that the timeline of the show makes no sense - it doesn’t - and it is always summer in SC except for one time when it was Christmas). There is also, by design, no homophobia in Schitt’s Creek. The various iterations of queer characters and relationships aren’t just represented, they’re normalized in a way that I didn’t know I was missing until I saw it.

Plus, it’s fun. Like many of Eugene Levy’s previous works (although the show is really Dan’s creation), the show makes use of musical set pieces. Probably the most famous is the iconic mid-season 4 episode “Open Mic” in which Patrick and David host an open mic night at the store and Patrick serenades David with an acoustic cover of Tina Turner’s “The Best” (arranged by actor Noah Reid, who is IRL a talented singer-songwriter, check out his albums, they’re great). It’s one of the most romantic things I’ve ever seen, made more poignant by the really remarkable face journey David goes through as he listens.

Well, have a look.

Another big moment was season 5′s production of “Cabaret,” directed by Moira and Jocelyn and starring Patrick as the Emcee and Stevie as Sally Bowles. The rehearsals and performance were mined for a lot of great moments.

Anyway, that’s the gist. Probably more than you wanted or needed.

[untitledtheunknown]

Not saying you have no reason to feel "bleh", sometimes the brain just insists, but there is so much character in the little snippets and commentary and photos you do. Even if they are similar to other people's (which is really hard not to do), they are so unique to themselves it's absolutely worth it.

Hopefully you're feeling better soon, and can find joy in creating and talking about your boys again ❤

Its late so I'm gonna kinda reply to this with what has been going on on my end and where this funk is coming from. Putting it under a read more to spare everyone, but first and foremost I do appreciate all of you beyond belief for reaching out and having such kind words to say. I know its just a me thing but sometimes it all does just get to me. With that being said, feel free to ignore the whole next bit.

I 100% understand and accept its never going to be completely possible to make completely original characters, especially given the restricted format we have for CP2077. I wish we had more power to craft our characters, more like Fallout 4's character creator (which despite the game's flaws I still go back to just to make characters lol). The problem is I see Valor in game and these screenshots of him and while I do like how he looks... its not him. Not completely. His scars are wrong, he doesn't have his tattoos, hair isn't right, he's missing the ports on his body, and overall things just aren't 100% with him. But despite all that, 3rd time around I think he looks pretty good. Again though am limited to what the game allows so a part of me does get a bit offed when I see other ppls Vs that look a bit too similar. I know its just me, I don't take it to heart, its just upsetting reminder I can't make him look how he's supposed to. Same with Umbra, he looks nothing like how he looks in our TTRPG and it really hurts because I spent a long time making him with our GM and I can't show that. Its not possible in game and my art doesn't do him any justice. So it gets frustrating because I look at some of these guys and they're not my characters, just similar figures to them, but not them.

Which is really hard especially when it comes to Val because long ago he was a self insert that I used to project how I wanted to look. I Have never done well with identifying as trans, I don't like to glamorize it or be recognized for it. I'm saving up for chest surgery but I'm fucking terrified of having the scars. I just don't want to be associated and recognized with it after my transition just because it's been really rough to go through in general. I haven't enjoyed this journey at all really, and really wish I didn't have to go through it. Valor in the RPG was my way of coping and going through stuff. Instead of gender though it was his association with cyberware and having parts of his body and "humanity" removed, replaced with machine and wires. I don't project onto him as much as I once did but he still will and forever hold pieces of that history because that's how I made him.

With all that, all I really do have is my words. Part of the problem with that is there's literally years worth of lore. I've been playing the same campaign with the same group of friends since my freshman year of college. So like 6/7 years now? There's a lot. The issue is these are people I'm really good friends with. This game has become a kind of safe zone for us. We're all a bunch of artist that mainly specialized in horror content. We were part of a movie club that mainly watched horror movies. We're the bitches that watched the Saw series during our free hour in the school library, like we are chill. That also just kinda means there's a lot of dark and twisted subject matter that ends up in our games. Characters having experienced some fucked up shit, witnessed some fucked up shit, and have done some fucked up shit. Feel kinda weird posting or sharing some of the more dark things in detail. So end up watering them down and they don't always feel right.

Top of all that, I just don't have the time to do things I wanna do. I feel so goddamn pressured at home and like I should be doing more. I honestly don't know how half these people have the time to learn and do the amount of mods and edits they do. I'm not gonna lie, I'm envious of it. I get 8-10 hours of being yelled at by customers, and then I may or may not have an hour long drive to take my brother to work or pick him up some days, and then whatever my parents have going on. I want to get back into art, I want to learn 3D modeling, I want to learn how to properly mod but I'm usually so stressed out or just exhausted nothing sticks so I don't even bother really. It sucks, because I want to learn, I want to do things, but I can't. I feel like because I have so little private and personal time now if I can't get things quick enough its not worth the effort. Its frustrating but again that's all on me.

And in other news, lotta people around me are dying or have had family die do to COVID and other things. Earlier this year a close friend of mine lost her dad to COVID and she's still struggling with that. A family friend of ours died earlier this week at the age of 35 from unknown causes. I have another friend who is in the psych ward because he is once again dealing with mental stuff and wellness check did not turn up well. Round it all off, my grandpa has basically given up on his life as well, flat out saying there's nothing worth living for anymore. Given his health issues I know its only a matter of time until I'm saying my final goodbye to him as well. So its rough, and fucking sucks. Not much I can do about it, but it makes me feel fucking worse with my own depression and suicidal thoughts. I know I'd never act on the thoughts, but seeing how death effects those around me makes me feel fucking worse for even thinking about it.

The part that sucks the most about it all, and even something I've expressed to my therapist is I'm completely self aware that its all in my head. I know I can't control these situations, and that skills take time to be acquired and grow. I am so grateful for all friends and support I do have, here, on disco, irl, I see the kind words and love and it really means a lot. I feel like a horrible friend because I don't know what to do really. I know its in my head, and I know what I can and can't control. I know what I need to do, yet I don't feel any better. I feel worse, I feel like I'm distant, and dismissive. I feel like what content I am putting out is stale and boring. I just feel lost and I'm not sure what piece I'm missing to really get things going again. I love my characters, I love making stuff with them. I love the story arch I have for Val and Ker and I want to share all of that with you all. I just feel really weird.

[autumnslance]

how do you get into roleplaying on a ff server? like how do you do it and how do you know if your character is lore compliant? ;A; pls youre a big inspo to me

*Hugs Nonny* Getting into RP on a FF server can vary; I don’t actually RP much these days, outside of some friends I already have connections to--and that in itself can be difficult just due to Life! It can take time, and patience, and some fits and starts.

And this gets...really really long, so buckle up and go below the cut, please. :)

The cut got broken by an edit. Sigh.

In game there’s always the RP status tag, and just doing RP with folks in public spaces. There may be trolls now and then, but they can be ignored. I personally find Balmung’s Quicksand area too busy and anxiety inducing and not actually all that conducive to actual RP, even “meet at a tavern” walk-up type. But unless you already have a ready-made group of friends/FCmates willing to RP more than some random walk-ups with you, it may take some legwork to find folks you can and want to write with.

Social Media There are a couple of RP community blogs, like @mooglemeet​ and @ffxiv-crystal-rp​  and plenty of server-specific ones. There’s also some Discords for these communities. They host and advertise events and reblog people who are looking for RP contacts. Some of them have running gdoc calendars and in game linkshells and fellowships as well.

Shofie has a good post about Tumblr/social media RP blogging.

@shofie-ffxiv

It’s a fact now that social media outside game is a way to make contacts, or even a medium for RP itself. There are few centralized websites/forums for server RP communities anymore. Making connections over your social media, like Tumblr and Twitter, can help find RP. You can’t just throw your own character info out there or reblog prompts hoping others bite, though; you have to put in some work and show interest in others, too. This can be difficult and even scary. That’s OK.

RP is about collaboration and creating with other people, which means finding folks you can write with, and who see you as someone interesting but also interested in them and their OCs. If you want to keep it a solo endeavor focused on your own OCs, write fanfic (which I’ve actually made friends and gotten RP interests that way too through comment interactions, so hey).

If you reblog a prompt from someone, see others on your dash reblogging prompts, if people reblog that prompt post from you? Send them asks! Alternatively, don’t wait for prompts, just send asks, comments, or chats saying hello and things you notice or like about their blog/character/posts they make. Try to form connections with people you think are genuinely interesting and might be fun to talk with. Social media should be, well, social.

BUT respect boundaries, too. Don’t try sarcasm or jokes with people you don’t actually know, it tends to go over poorly. Unless someone’s specifically posting a naughty meme/prompt, keep stuff you others send clean and polite, especially if it’s unsolicited and you’re not already friends (doubly so if you don’t know how old they are IRL, there are laws you do not want to break). Respect if people aren’t open to random asks or chatting with new followers, or say “no” to RP, and know it’s not personal--it’s just what they have time, energy, and emotional/mental capacity for. Don’t give up on other people, though. This stuff can take time and effort to find those you click with.

Respect and communication with RP partners is pretty key.

Do curate your feeds and don’t be afraid to unfollow/mute/block folks, either. I’m selective in who I follow and remove as needed, too, for my own mental health. I miss so much of the discourse and drama and that’s fine by me. Also it costs nothing to not step in on a lot of the drama when it does pass in sight.

Profiles I have static RP profile pages for my girls here on Tumblr (and a lot of other static links and pages, but I’m weird about organizing like that). This way, if people want to write with me, send me prompts, if I sent them prompts, or they want to otherwise interact with my characters, the information is handily available. For some folks, this makes all the difference in who they choose to interact with: how easily can they find even basic info about your OC?

Some people make Carrds. Some folks have gdoc links, or use Dreamwidth, etc. Just keep the links in the blog’s sidebar menu, and/or in the blog desc so people can see ‘em on mobile. There are templates out there, or you can make your own. Feel free to snag mine if you’d like. A lot of times people also copy their profiles to rebloggable posts when looking for RP contacts. Profiles are a good way to let folks know just the at-a-glance basics about your character(s).

I picked a simple theme with a simple layout that makes it easy to add and show off links. I put them in the blog desc to make them easy to find on mobile, too.

[Images: links from my blog sidebar menu showing how over organized I am]

RP, Stories, Lore Post some stories or RP logs (with permission of others involved) or even just random little blurbs and headcanons, as well as any screenshots, art, aesthetic posts for your OCs. Have something of interest to show for your character, too, so some of those folks your interacting with have something of their own to see and ask about!

If possible, try some light RP with friends and FC Mates who are amenable. Go to events, even if just to lurk at first. When you do get up the nerve to talk to people, don’t try to throw a character’s entire backstory at them, or try to steal the limelight--RP is collaboration, back and forth, and a lot like real conversation. Maybe come up with little light things to talk about if asked; a recent adventuring job, a silly shopping incident, etc. They can break the ice or just give you something to reply with for a few minutes.

Lore Compliance is Variable. Some people really want lore compliance, others are OK bending it here and there, while still others throw it out the window entirely. If you want to be super lore compliant...read. There’s a LOT of information, in game and out, for finding lore; from official publications and website material, to tools like Garland Tools site, to compilation blogs like @mirkemenagerie.

Note what’s important for your concept. Narrow it down. Characters aren’t going to know or be or do everything, so only worry about what’s necessary for the base idea. And be flexible; it’s SE’s sandbox, we just play in it, and they can change things any time. They usually do it in the guise of characters not knowing/having all the correct information, at least, but also some places just don’t exist in game yet so we don’t have info.

I’m unspecific about a lot of elements of Aeryn’s childhood, for instance, other than “traveling merchants near Thavnair.” I don’t have to be super specific. I can keep most details vague, and focus on her family and those relationships.

Dark, as my first character, has a fairly simple backstory that I’ve expanded on and adjusted over time as I learned and came up with new info. I also bet no one remembers I originally said Dark was from the North Shroud. I’ve changed things (now from East Shroud, due to the proximity to Gyr Abania and its Hellsguards) as I learned more about the world and my character. You don’t want to change things willy-nilly, but sometimes being flexible and smoothing down some rough edges and making small changes can be fine, especially as one gets more lore over time.

Iyna has a pretty detailed backstory, that came from a basic idea, and checking dates in the pre-Calamity timeline. I based her being taken and trained the way she was not only on what info we have about Garlemald’s imperial practices with conquered provinces, but borrowed a bit from real life and the re-education schools many Native Americans were forced into (though I haven’t gone into detail on that yet, either). I tied the turning point in Iyna’s life to a major event that wasn’t the Calamity, and have left plenty of space in between for me to fill in as time goes on and I learn more about her and the world.

The world isn’t static, and is bigger and more diverse than what can be shown in the game. There’s space in the margins for plenty of weird stuff and contradictions or unusual cases. So read up on what you can, ask questions, and then find where in those spaces your OC fits. Then, find people who enjoy similar tastes in lore compliance (or non-compliance), and who enjoy playing with you and your OCs, and not worrying about the rest. Can’t please everyone, nor get along with everyone, so don’t try; just find what works for you, and who works with you, and don’t police anyone else’s pretendy fun times, either.

There’s no magic answer on the “right” amount of lore compliance, or how to quickly and easily find RP partners or break into the broader RP community.

I hope this helps at least a little bit! Good luck in finding your niche for RP, and maybe I’ll see you sometime at an event :)

[petekaos]

Rahul yes! Absolutely watch the stranded once you have time! It's such a good show and you also get to join the SUS2 club (suffering until season 2) ♡

Work's fine, it's just that as a more of an introverted person customer service can be draining. And since I'm still new I'm constantly afraid of making mistakes and getting scolded... But at the moment I'm completely slacking off since I only have one more shift this week. Not a good thing money-wise but I appreciate a break rn. So I've been practicing self-care aka rewatching all the aired cherry magic episodes once again and drinking way too much milk tea. I've also been meaning to make the tangerine pie for what feels like ages now but I can't seem to find a recipe I'm satisfied with so do you have any suggestions or should I just make up my own? 🤔

Hctm... Yeah, one more reason to expect great things from bad buddy. And I have faith in ohm and nanon's performance considering they're so close irl, though ohm probably could have chemistry with even a trashcan if he had to. And faiza really is keeping the lovely writer hype going and I have to appreciate that! On the topic of other blogs, I don't think I ever thanked you for the list you compiled for me in my anon days, just know that they've been on my dash ever since ♡

How're things with you lately? Any holiday plans yet? I love our convos so much too, I was worried I'd come off as annoying or that you liked the mystery of anonymity more so hearing you say that makes me ❤❤ Sorry though, I clearly have a problem with making my asks brief and to the point...

Sending holiday hugs! 💛

neneeeeee!!! aaaah so sorry for the fairly late reply but here i am now! i’ve seen everyone suffering and begging for s2 hnshfg it’s truly frightening but also i am very intrigued as to watch it! just have to get through every other show on my neverending watchlist... mess.

ah i’m sorry about work, that’s rough :( however, i’m sure you’ll get used to it soon and that you’ll form a routine! customer service can be incredibly draining though so i’m glad you’re getting some kind of break at least. milk tea and cherry magic sounds wonderful, i can’t wait until i get my break in a couple of weeks so i, too, can just sit down and rest for a while and find some time to write, gif, and watch new shows! everything’s been a bit hectic right now and i have so many things to catch up with :( this time of year is difficult for everyone though, especially this year, and so i’m glad you’ve been holding up okay, all things considered. 

also tangerine pie!! yeah, it can be difficult to find a recipe and i rarely make it myself because i can never find tangerines BUT this is the recipe i used a while ago, because i love gingersnaps and i thought it worked well! once i get my break, i’m going to try and bake more and see if i just can’t find some tangerines and tweak this recipe a bit. but feel free to go wild with it - tangerines go super well with ginger, cinnamon, and i’m partial to tangerines and blueberries/lemons myself! they’re a fairly sweet fruit and so depending on your taste, it’s always fun to pair it with something sourer that’ll compliment it too. this has just turned into a tangerine ramble fhsnfh i’m sorry!!

aaaah i am so hyped for bad buddy! yeah, considering their close friendship irl, they’re gonna have super good chemistry, and also they’re both brilliant actors so i know they’ll deliver. i just hope people aren’t weird about them or try to ship them irl... that goes too far for me. and omggg your anon days!!! ah i remember that blog list still, they’re all so lovely and i’m so glad you like them too!

i’ve been doing okay! busy busy busy as always and i feel like i may be nearing a burnout but i have some time off soon so it’ll be time for me to rest and heal haha :^) no holiday plans unfortunately :( the original plan was to drive down to a neighbouring country and see some friends but since covid cases here are rising again we’ve decided it’d be smarter and more responsible to relent from that and see each other when it’s safer! i’ll probably (hopefully) just bake a lot and write a lot! i’m thinking about pete, kao, and achara in japan... they’d have so much fun going there in the winter holidays and seeing all the snow! 

you never come off as annoying at all! i love your long asks, they always put a smile on my face and i hope my answers aren’t too rambly lmaoo!! but what about you - any plans for the holidays? and since i was just rambling on and on about tangerine pie - what’s your favourite dessert? ALSO speaking of cherry magic - who’s your favourite character? [eyes emoji] mine has to be udon-chan bc if you made me pick the humans i would PERISH. either way, many holiday hugs to you my friend! 💛

[kyluxtrashpit]

2019 Fic Recap

So I’ve done this for the past few years and I started doing it at the end of 2019 but never managed to finish it. I think between TROS and IRL and then I got really, really sick, I just haven’t had the chance to do so. But fuck it, I decided to finish it anyway even though it’s now 3 months late lmao. So anyway, a recap of my 2019 fics

Total wordcount: 96 419 words. Which is less than last year, but still not too shabby. I wish I could’ve banged something out to get it over 100k but eh, it just didn’t happen. I definitely have enough wip words and whatnot to get me over that bump, though

Tough Love, 6572 words, posted Jan 17

So this was an experimental one. As you all know, I’m pretty hard on the sub!Kylo/dom!Hux train. But I had a conversation with a friend and it turned into one of those ‘okay, I don’t like x dynamic because of a, b, and c. But is it possible to write x without those and make it into something I like?’ and as it turns out, yes, yes it was. Thus this fic happened and here we are. I still really like it and I have a lot of Feelings on this dynamic vs the one I usually write, but that’s an essay in and of itself lmao. It got some great feedback too, which was cool

Take My Breath Away, 1230 words, posted Feb 7

Ah yes, this one, which was based off a throwaway KOTOR ability but was an excuse for me to write Kylo getting stuffed from both ends with some asphyxiation thrown in. And also extremely rough sex + softer aftercare is a weakness of mine haha, so I just had to do it

Fix You, 1994 words, posted Feb 10

So this was my first piece for Bad Things Happen Bingo, which is an event I’m still planning to finish at some point lmao, and that I’ve had a lot of fun with so far. This fic was another that I tried for a more ‘classic’ feel with, though it’s a lot softer. The uncomfortable intimacy. The ‘feelings are happening but we won’t talk about them’. The shaky trust. All of that good stuff. I had fun with it

Keep Your Enemies Closer, 1657 words, posted Feb 24

Another for BTHB! I just love when Hux wins, okay. And I think this was one of those time periods where Kylo was doing all the winning in fics and I just. Needed something different lmao. Emperor Hux remains one my all time fave ideas and it’s still a shame canon never gave it to us. But I have the power to make it happen, so I did. Plus Kylo in a shock collar is always fun >:)

Indulgence, 17 357 works, completed Apr 19, first posted Mar 28

So! This was a continuation to my experiment from above and really it was just an excuse for lots of smut and pampering lmao. Much as I had thought I had said everything I wanted to say with Tough Love, apparently I had not, and this monstrosity formed. There may be a third, more serious piece to finish off the series this year, but I haven’t decided yet. Although, I have to admit, I’m still surprised how poorly this fic did feedback-wise, especially compared to its predecessor and considering it’s the more popular dynamic these days. Tbh some of my best smut is in this fic imo, but ah well, sometimes people just don’t like things and I suppose I have to accept that, even if I’m really, really proud of that thing

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Best Served Bloody, 2666 words, posted Apr 29

Another BTHB and, again, not much deeper to it. Beating up Brendol is always fun though lmao. And when I was writing this, I really wanted Hux to be the one to strike at his father. A lot of pieces have Kylo doing it, which is great, but I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted Hux to have the power to save himself. It was fun to write in that way, as a powerful revenge fantasy

The Best, 6450 words, posted May 12

Ah, now this was a fun one lmao. It was born of a horny crack idea but I can’t do real crack, so it ended up as crack treated seriously. And really, I just wanted an excuse to have Kylo sucking dick. A lot of dick. All the dicks he can find lmao. Slutty Kylo fic remains my favourite pwp, so I gotta contribute to the cause, you know. It was a delight to write, though challenging cause it kept turning me on LMAO. Totally worth it though. It was one of the most fun this year for sure

Be My Outlet, 1003 words, posted May 23

There’s not really much of a story behind this one haha. I was horny and I wanted some classic, Not Nice Hux and hatefucking, thus this exists. Plus I miss Kylo getting choked and it’s rare these days to see stuff quite this rough. I also have a bit of a somnophilia thing, which this sort of fits in to. And I’m always a fan of messy, masochist Kylo. So yeah. Idk it’s smut lmao what else could we want? It’s just a short little pwp, but I had a lot of fun with it and it was nice to revisit the classic kylux days

Safe Harbour, 1616 words, posted Jun 13

This one was for kyluxomegaverse week and it was very fun. A/b/o is one of those tropes where I really, really like a lot of it, but there’s also some stuff that’s much less my cup of tea. So I don’t write a lot of it, even though there are aspects of it that I adore. Which this one includes a lot of lmao. I think the nesting is fucking adorable and I wanted to write something soft, so here we are. Plus omega!Kylo is just delightful. Also looking back on it now, this one did really well? Holy shit, I had no idea it was that popular!

With Dignity, 4475 words, posted Jul 1

This was the last for BTHB that I managed last year (and I still intend to finish my card eventually, it’s just been a rough go so far this year lmao). I’m actually very proud of this one because this is the exact sort of angst I love to write. I didn’t intend for it to be as heavy as it ended up being, but when I started looking up the mechanics of force-feeding and reading about the experience of it, the plan changed drastically because holy fuck. I had never thought of it as that much of a torture before. I also enjoy with Hux like, making the reader feel bad for him while also actively reminding them he’s awful and getting that perfect cognitive dissonance. So this was a great excuse to do exactly that. And I love how tough he is even in such circumstances. Despite the heavy subject matter, I had a blast with this one

Greener Grass, 3389 words, posted Jul 14

This one was originally a twitter thread that really got away from me lmao, so I edited it and put it on ao3 because I really liked it. I’ve always liked self-cest as a concept and I thought it’d be interesting for Kylo to interact with a version of himself that made some different choices. One that was happier. And then we see Kylo through Ben’s eyes, see what the dark side has wrought for him. And then, of course, some smut to pull it all together lmao. It was a really fun character study and I had a grand time with it

Subliminal, 5719 words, posted Aug 23

This one! Okay so I’m pretty sure I sent in a couple of khk prompts over the years that were basically this, but no one ever wrote them so I finally did it. I’m honestly surprised hypno kink isn’t actually used more in kylux, considering Hux is canonically in charge of the brainwashing program. So much potential. So I had to write it. I also went down quite a few rabbit holes in researching this (with mixed success lmao) and learned a whole lot about hypno kink in the process. I may have even acquired it as a fetish lmao. But anyway, this one’s a bit darker and it’s fun to write those every once in a while. I think I pulled it off well too

Ashes Among the Stars, 36634 words, posted Dec 1

Ah and my big bang this year! I had a blast with this one although it was quite the challenge. My first fandom was gundam so when I saw this prompt I was very intrigued and ended up getting it. This fic had a lot more world-building than I usually do, which was the primary challenge as I basically had to take aspects from both franchises and sew them together into a new world of its own. I think I did that rather successfully tbh. The plot gave me trouble too but also gave me some of my best eureka moments haha. My partner was also wonderful and made the experience that much better. I know crossovers don’t tend to perform as well, so I was expecting that, though I do wish some more people had given it a chance since I wrote it specifically so that no prior knowledge was needed. But alas, I’m still incredibly proud of it. It’s also my second longest fic ever!

Filthy, 5657 words, posted Dec 9

And here it is, the gangbang fic I’ve always wanted to exist lmao. I had wanted to write this one for a long time, but I could never figure out how to end it, what circumstances would lead to the gangbang. Then a convo with friends gave me the idea and boom, I could finally write it. This fic is just straight up smut and I fucking love it lmao. There needs to be more Kylo gangbang fics tbh

What have I learned?

Last year wasn’t as successful for writing as I’d hoped, given that I wrote less in 2019 than I did in 2018. But also a lot of things happened to me last year. I got a new role at work. My dad had a heart attack (he’s okay though). I had a pretty rough time with my mental health. And then there was the lead up to TROS and the frankly unnecessary amount of stress that caused me. So there was a lot going on and working against me, which is a large part of why I didn’t manage to write as much as I’d hoped I would, and there’s a lot in my folder that I started but just wasn’t able to finish before the end of the year. I worried for a while I was losing interest, but looking back, no, it was definitely the IRL shit lmao. That said, I’m also extremely happy with all of the pieces I did finish, regardless of how well they did. I’m proud of them and I loved writing them, even when it was difficult

One of my goals from last year was to write more, which I didn’t manage, and to get better at answering comments, which I think I did well on for the most part up until post-TROS lmao. I also wanted to do the big bang again (and I was hoping for a reverse, which it was!) and I did. And I also wanted to have fun and keep my confidence with my writing, which I think I was the most successful at. I feel really good about everything I made and I really enjoyed writing them, even if I didn’t manage to finish everything

Goals for 2020?

I think part of the reason I didn’t finish this post in 2019 is because of my TROS breakdown and subsequent stresses associated with it. Because I wasn’t sure what I wanted or what I was going to do. Sometimes I wanted to give up and find a new fandom/ship, other times I was sure I was over it and going to just do whatever the fuck I wanted, and then there was every emotion in between

Now, though, I’m sure I’m going to keep writing here. I haven’t managed much this year yet, but I can feel it coming back to me. I have a post-TROS fic I managed to solve a major problem with the other day. I also have renben as a new ship to excite me. And I still have a lot of wips and BTHB and various others I desperately want to do. Right now, I feel good about my writing and my interest in it is back to normal, which is great. So this year? I’m not going to set a hard goal. I’d love to write more than last year and maybe I will, but it’s okay if I don’t. I’d love to do another big bang this year, but I’m not going to kick myself if I can’t handle it when that time comes. I’d love to finish BTHB, but if it stretches into another year, who cares? My only goal is to just keep writing and keep enjoying it. I want to have fun with it. I want to be happy with whatever pieces I do manage to put out. I want to set aside time to read more fics from others, if I can. And I think all of those will really help with my mental health, which is starting to recover right now, and that’s what’s most important of all

Also thank you all for your patience with me. I know I’ve not been responsive, here or on twitter or to comments, but I am trying my best. It’s been a rough go and I don’t like to whine too much in my fandom spaces. I don’t know when or even if I’ll get back to normal, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters. I love every one of you on here <3

[whitewallwhispers]

Little Lies

Narcos - Javier Peña - Series

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven - Part Eight - Part Nine

A young writer moves to Colombia to perform research on the drug war for her latest novel. She’s willing to do anything for information, which leads her down a rabbit hole that begins to blur the line between pretending to be someone and becoming something she might not be ready for.

Her latest target is a D.E.A. Agent named Javier Peña. And their relationship is growing more complicated by the day.

Warnings: Drug use (cocaine), alcohol use (wine), strong language (pretty much every expletive under the sun), smut - oral sex (male receiving), fingering, I don’t want to call it self harm but it’s kind of self harm, rough sex (choking), unprotected sex (wrap it up, folks)

My hope is that you can imagine this character as any race with any style of hair (as someone with short hair I get annoyed when every fic mentions long locks and ponytails).

This is kind of a dumb note but I feel the need to clarify that this smut is completely aimed at Peña - I love Pedro but in a completely different, non-sexual way. It’s a credit to his acting skills that he can make me want to fuck nearly every character he plays when IRL I just want to be his best friend.

Tag List (Open): @fanfiction-trashpile | @sophster1881​ | @theringostarfanclub | @thinemineours

She sat on the stoop of her apartment building smoking her third cigarette of the night, taking a pull from the bottle of wine she held in her other hand. Her parents had finally completely cut her off, demanding that she return to Germany as soon as possible.

No one was hiring foreigners. Why the fuck would they? Sure, her private school education had blessed her with fluency in Spanish, albeit European Spanish, but she could still converse easily with any Colombian. The slang was foreign to her, but she had the basics. But things were hard enough for the locals, who would waste their time employing someone else who surely had other options? She couldn’t blame a single person who had turned down her applications

But that really only left her with one option. Thus far every man she’d fucked here had been interested in her accent. Maybe more men would also be interested in everything else that made her unusual. Maybe they’d relish the chance to fuck some foreign pussy. Maybe she’d found her calling already.

She’d just finished her cigarette when she noticed him walking down the street, strutting the way he always did, infuriatingly effortlessly sexy. She took another swig of her wine and tried to make herself look less like a mess and more like a semi-attractive human being.

“You sharing?” Javier asked as he reached her.

She nodded and handed him the bottle. He took a long drink.

“I prefer whiskey,” he noted, handing it back to her. “But it’s still good.”

“Out of my budget, especially considering…”

“They cut you off all the way?” His face was apologetic, but not patronizing. It made her want to kiss him.

“Bingo,” she answered. She stood then, taking back her wine bottle in one hand and taking his in the other.

“Let me know if anything is too much. I know you’re still recovering.”

They’d polished off the bottle of wine while he gave her as much intel as he could as she scribbled furiously in her notebook. He didn’t even flinch when she took a line of cocaine to keep her alert. What could she do? She couldn’t afford any worthwhile painkillers. She still wore a brace around her ribs, though her black eye had turned more yellow than purple now and her lip was healing quite quickly. The cut was almost gone.

“Pain makes it easier to keep my feelings as simple as money makes yours.”

“I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish just once I could make love to you, not just fuck you.”

“Love?” she scoffed.

“You know what I mean. Something…softer.”

“That’s a nice thought. But no matter what we do tonight, it’s bound to hurt. So just lean into that.”

Javier sighed as he reached into his wallet to pull out her usual fee. Then he placed another twenty on top of it.

“Javi,” she began to protest.

“I’d prefer if you stayed mostly mine. I can only guess how your job search has been going, but knowing what I know about this city…”

“Fruitless,” she laughed, though it was dry and hollow. “So…yeah. That’s the only avenue left to me.”

“But I still want you to be mine.”

“No you don’t.” If she accepted it, it’d hurt her.

“I do. I want you so much, even when I’m elsewhere.”

“Then only come here.”

“I can’t.”

“Then I don’t belong to you.”

“But for right now?”

She closed the gap between them, running a hand over his cheek and down his neck and stopping on his chest. “You took my stubborn ass to a hospital. So, yeah, for now, you have me. All to yourself.”

He kissed her then, so gentle at first. His thumb brushed over the bruises around her eye before his hands dipped down to her side, barely touching her ribs before settling on her hips. As usual. When would he tire of inflicting the same bruises upon her?

“I want to see your face tonight,” he whispered. “I won’t be rough, I promise.”

“I told you hurting me makes it better.”

She brushed past him then, taking off her shirt in one smooth movement and her shorts the next. She sat on the edge of the bed. In nothing more than her bra, her brace, and her underwear. Waiting.

After heaving a heavy sigh, he followed her, already unbuttoning his shirt.

“I don’t like hurting you.”

“Bullshit.”

“Not for real.”

“Too bad.”

His shirt was on the floor now. He was unbuttoning his jeans now.

She went to her knees. Instinctually.

“You don’t have to…”

Sure. Sure I don’t.

He could pretend all he wanted, but he stood before her anyway. She unzipped his jeans and pulled out his cock all the same. It was only half hard. Disappointing. Anything other than wanting to fuck her senseless was disappointing at this point. She took his length in her hand and stroked it gently, eyes locked with his. His breathing picked up almost instantly, a gentle sigh escaping his lips as she licked his tip. Now he was hard.

So she went straight to work.

She relaxed her throat as best she could. She braced herself so that even if tears welled in her eyes, they wouldn’t fall. She wasn’t perfect, but she was better than last time. Even when he began to thrust into her, moaning in earnest, she didn’t gag. She only cried a little bit, and towards the end she was even able to begin to move her head in time when he pushed to get him even deeper within her.

After that, it wasn’t long until he had to pull out.

“You’re too much,” he huffed. “You’ve gotten too good.”

“That’s your own fault.” Still she waited on her knees.

“Get up. Get on the bed.”

“Yes, daddy.” It was a reflex by now, escaping her every time she could tell he was in the moment.

“No.” His response took her by surprise. “Only my name now.”

“All the time?” She laid herself out on the bed as best she could, trying to look as prone and fuckable as possible with her bruises and cuts and brace still wrapping across her ribs.

“All the time.” He emptied his pockets and thrust his jeans down and stepped out of them as he positioned himself above her. He hooked his thumbs expertly around her panties and pulled them off as if they were nothing. Two fingers were inside her before she could even respond.

“Yes, Javi,” she moaned.

He leaned down to kiss her, but only fleetingly. He sat up, brushing some of her hair off her forehead before picking up his pace.

She was losing her ability to keep control of her expressions and her body. She wanted to play pretend, to compensate for her ugly injuries and try to be as desirable as possible. She couldn’t be a mess. Why, not though? What was she afraid of? That if Javier didn’t find her attractive for even a night he’d lose interest?

It was a juvenile concern, but it was there all the same. After what they’d been through, she should feel more secure than ever that he wouldn’t stop seeking her out.

As he brought his thumb to her clit, she had to close her eyes.

She couldn’t look at him.

Goddamnit.

She’d hope that their new understanding and arrangement would make it easier, make her want him less.

No such luck.

If she kept staring into his face, at his eyes half lidded, biting his lip, focused only on pleasing her (at least for now) her heart would start to hurt.

Pain makes it easier. Not that kind of pain, though.

She wrapped an arm around her ribs and squeezed, the breath going out of her as she cried out a little.

It helped.

She was able to open her eyes again, and as she met Javi’s gaze he added another finger and began curling them inside her, stretching her out even further. It felt so good. So she squeezed her ribs again and bit her lip as the stabbing pain washed over her.

But all too soon he was pulling out of her, bringing his fingers to his mouth and sucking them clean.

“You taste so good,” he murmured, pulling her legs further apart and centering himself over her.

She flexed her fingers against her ribs and gasped in time with the way he sank into her to the hilt. Unfortunately the way he’d prepared her before meant it only felt good, without the usual initial pressure, and she couldn’t help but feel like he’d done it on purpose.

Stubborn bastard.

He placed his hands on her hips, gentler than ever before as he began to massage small circles into her skin.

She wanted what she’d asked for.

So she grabbed his wrists and led his hands up to her ribs, the pressure of his touch sending the most beautiful ache through her entire body.

“What are you doing?” He paused inside her, moving his hands to hover at her sides without touching her.

“What do you mean?” she asked, playing dumb.

“Your ribs, they’re -”

“It doesn’t hurt. It does when you bruise my hips in the same place every time, though,” she lied, pouting a little bit to try to look more convincing.

He didn’t look like he believed her. Instead he seemed hesitant, but when she didn’t back down his expression became defeated.

“Are you sure you want this?” The tone of his voice told her he knew what she was doing, and she wrapped her legs around him to pull him further into her as thanks.

“Mmhmm,” she nodded. With a sigh Javier returned his hands to her ribs, albeit gently, and began thrusting into her again, groaning as she flexed around him for good measure.

The pain coursing through her as he gripped her sides allowed her to run her fingers through his hair, to lean up to kiss him, to relish once more in the way he felt inside her. As he began to pick up his pace his fingers tightened around her. She gasped, half in pain and half in pleasure, mixing together in a high that made her eyes flutter shut. Finally, her head was clear. Finally, she could enjoy herself without her feelings getting in the way.

“Harder, Javi,” she breathed, her fingers curling into fists as she held onto the hair at the nape of his neck. He obliged in both ways, leaning forward to rest his face in the crook of her neck, nipping at her shoulder and throat between heavy breaths. She rewarded him by adjusting her legs to let him slip even further into her than before and contracting the muscles to make herself even tighter around him.

“You drive me fucking crazy,” he moaned, biting her earlobe hard as his thrusts became fiercer.

“It’s what you deserve,” she whispered, raking her fingernails down his back hard enough that she might leave scratches. His grip on her ribs became firmer and she cried out, a sound of ecstasy mixed with agony.

Javier seemed to have gotten over his reservations, because the sound only made him go faster, his teeth sinking deeper into her skin. He was sure to leave marks, red and purple and prominent.

“I’d prefer if you stayed mostly mine.”

His words slipped through her mind at that moment and she couldn’t help but laugh.

He was claiming his territory.

I can do the same.

She pushed his chest hard, prying his mouth from her neck and sitting him up straight. She hooked her legs behind his knees and launched herself up, forcing him to turn and lay down. It was only a few moments before she was guiding him into her again, setting the pace as she moved up and down, forwards and backwards, grinding against him hard and fast.

He was out of breath for a moment, not knowing what to do with his hands or his face. But as she let her fingers dig into his chest he regained a sense of himself and latched a hand onto her throat, squeezing so hard she lost her breath all at once.

“This is how it should be,” she whispered, her eyes rolling into the back of her head as she tried to breathe.

“If it’s what you want,” he groaned, his other hand roaming up her thigh and massaging her hot flesh, “then it’s what you’ll get.”

She unlatched her bra and tossed it somewhere to her left, needing to be more exposed, more vulnerable.

Javier responded by sitting up to swirl his tongue around her nipples, gripping her throat harder, his other hand squeezing her ribs,   thrusting up into her, sending her straight over the edge.

Her orgasm came over her suddenly and unexpectedly, eliciting a cry as she clung to his shoulders for support, unable to handle the pleasure and the pain. It was exactly what she wanted - the closeness of feeling him inside her, the distance of hurting while he was.

“On your knees,” he demanded, thrusting her down beneath him by her throat, slamming her into the mattress so hard she had to grit her teeth to stomach the pain that rippled through her.

She obliged, of course, turning and resting her head against the bed as she made her sex as high and accesible as possible. He sunk into her without hesitation, his hands naturally digging into her hips before shifting them up to her ribs, for her sake, and gripping them with varying intensity.

It was clear he was still hesitant, but willing to submit to some degree for her pleasure.

If anything, he drove her crazy.

“Javi, you’re so good to me,” she moaned, biting her lip to withstand the ache in her chest. The good kind of ache. The kind that came from her fragile ribs, not her fragile heart.

“Don’t you forget it,” he answered, picking up his pace, wrapping one of his hands around her waist to swirl around her clit. “No one can fuck you like I do.”

It wasn’t long before she was climaxing again, a beautiful fireworks show of tightening muscles and trembling limbs and excruciating pressure on the broken parts of her. Javier was soon to follow, burying himself in her as he did, both his hands slipping up to squeeze her breasts.

He stayed inside her, guiding her down to lay flat on the bed as he peppered kisses across her shoulders, running his fingers down her spine so softly it made her shiver. Only then did he pull out.

“Stay there,” he murmured. She turned her head to watch him light a cigarette and slip into his jeans before he made his way to the bathroom to grab her a towel. He made quick work of cleaning her up before tossing the towel onto the floor and sitting beside her, letting his head loll against the wall as he took a deep draw from his cigarette.

“Want one?” he asked, turning to look down at her with one eyebrow naturally raising itself higher than the other.

“Mmhmm,” she hummed, sitting up to join him. He lit it for her and then put his hand on her thigh, his thumb tracing small circles into her skin.

“There’s something I want to give you,” he said after a few moments of comfortable, hazy silence.

“What?”

She was intrigued.

“This,” he replied, picking up his gun.

Now she was wary. “I - uh - why?”

“For protection. If that cartel member thinks you know too much, he might come looking for you.”

“He doesn’t know where I live,” she began, but he cut her off by shaking his head.

“It won’t take much asking around about a foreign prostitute for him to find you. Carry it in your waistband whenever you go out. If he’s trailing you, it might put him off. But keep it hidden in here so your clients can’t find it.”

She swallowed hard and nodded.

“You know how to shoot?”

She nodded again. Her father was paranoid about nearly everything, which in addition to stockpiling food and medical supplies meant she’d spent several summers taking trips to the nearest forest to learn how to shoot. Pistols, revolvers, shotguns, rifles. She didn’t ask how he’d gotten them, didn’t try to protest that learning wasn’t necessary.

Now it seemed a bit like fate.

“You have a phone?”

She pointed to the far wall of the kitchen where the clunky, outdated phone hung, loose and crooked.

“This is my number,” he said, pulling a small folded piece of paper out of the back pocket of his jeans. “Office and cell phone. If something happens, you call me, not the police. I’ll send officers who aren’t on the cartel payroll.”

“Javi, you don’t have to do this,” she protested. “You have enough to worry about.”

There he went, being too nice to her again. It felt bittersweet, twisting her heart and stomach at the same time.

“Exactly. If I didn’t try to protect you, I’d be worried about you.”

That took her by surprise. She couldn’t think of anything to say. He said it so simply, as if she’d been stupid to think otherwise. He caught her by surprise again as he leaned forward to place a light kiss on her forehead.

“I’ve gotta go,” he sighed. “But I’ll be back next week.”

Without thinking about it she reached up to cup his face in her hands and kiss him on the lips. Slowly, and heavy with the weight of how much she owed him. He’d become the only thing keeping her in Colombia, keeping her dream of finishing her book alive.

“Thank you, Javi,” she whispered, pulling away and resting her forehead against his, eyes closed.

She’d do whatever she could to make it worth his while.

“Yeah.” He pulled away, not unkindly, and finished getting dressed, tossing her her bra and panties before stuffing his belongings back into his pockets.

All of them except for the gun.

It stayed on the bedside table, equal parts comforting and foreboding.

She couldn’t look away, not even when Javier said goodbye and closed the door behind him. She stayed like that, frozen and naked and staring at the cold, gleaming metal until her neck began to ache and she started to shiver.

[fitzrove]

author asks

Rules: answer these questions and tag five other fic writers to do the same.

I was tagged by @lieutenantmalcolmreed and @ladyaj-13, thank you both so much!! :D It’s always a joy to be Thought Of, especially by some of my favourite Endeavour fic authors, and I do love answering these even though I’m really slow with it lol

Author Name: Fitzrove

Fandoms You Write For: Just Endeavour, at the moment. I did translate one MCU fic into Finnish like two years ago and post it, but that’s not really a big hobby of mine lmao

Where You Post: Ao3, cos the Tag System and community are amazing

Most Popular One-Shot: Prelude, which is actually my second-ever Endeavour fic. I think it owes its fame to the fact that it’s some very good tension-laden jarse, and doesn’t have the baggage of layers upon layers of AU on top of it. XD So it’s easy to get into if you’re just getting into Endeavour fanfic! Not to toot my own horn, but I do like it myself as well!!

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: Paradise Lost, which I promise is GOING TO BE multi-chapter at some point, but I’ve taken forever to continue it because it’s Painful. I have lots of messy outlines and plans for it, and a general idea about where I want the story to go, but I just keep getting distracted by new ideas...

Favourite Story You Wrote: I think everybody who’s read my stuff and seen me gushing about my writing knows that it’s got to be Soft Like Summer Rain. It’s my novel-length baby that I spent most of Spring 2019 working on, and I’m really proud of it. It’s balm to my soul after s03e02 Arcadia lol

Story You Were Nervous to Post: Probably When I Look Into Your Eyes, It’s Over. It’s already pretty niche for being a part of an extensive AU, and it’s also my only explicit fic so far. I was (and AM) super super happy about the reception it got, though - even though it definitely isn’t one of my more popular fics, knowing that a dozen Human Persons read it and actually liked it was super reassuring. On Ao3, there’s really no need to lie about what you like and what you don’t - if you don’t really care for a particular fic, you skip it, and therefore every piece of positive feedback is genuine and feels Amazing. I still get super happy and excited whenever I get a kudos notification for any of my works... <3

How Do You Pick Your Titles: Song lyrics, and sometimes I’m super worried about them seeming lame. The title is always the last thing I think of - Soft Like Summer Rain had the working title of “western”, Are You Married, Mr Morse? was “rough him up” and Bad Ideas was just “shirley”. I’m pretty proud of the ones that aren’t straight-up song lyrics, though, especially Love Me, Love My Dog and Not Entirely Clueless. (puns are my standard for Best Title Ever ok that’s just how it is)

Do You Outline: About 95% of the time, yes!! If I come up with a super concise idea and write it down in one sitting, then maybe not, but I do have to write down reminders for myself if I want to not forget everything lmao. Soft Like Summer Rain had several docs, some with just the chapter text, but also several for outlining because I had so many things to think about. I also outline when thinking about sequels or putting off writing a story I really want to get on with but just keep Daydreaming instead of writing it... (*cough* Paradise Lost *cough*)

How Many Of Your Stories Are Complete: Fifteen, of varying lengths. I’m not currently hoarding any unposted gems, even though I do sometimes write things I never end up posting. A perk of that is that I get to reuse some good ideas later!

In-Progress: I’m not a big fan of posting unfinished stories, because it gives me Pressure to finish them, and I don’t like that feeling a lot. Currently, it’s only Paradise Lost.

Unpublished WIP’s, though... oh my. I think I have like 14 right now. Some highlights include genderbent lesbian jarse (I love the idea of a girl Jakes with outrageous lipstick cos who tf doesn’t, and messy-haired bookish girl Morse is just Precious ok), a gang/criminal au where the coppers we know and love are on the other side of the game, and, of course, a somewhat authorised sequel to @jasmiinitee‘s Jasper Nicholson/Morse masterpiece. And many others... ;)

Coming Soon: I’m trying to finish my... ahem... seasonally very fitting (spooky) October artwork as soon as possible, and then post it! I hope nobody gets traumatised lol. My IRL friends follow this Tumblr so imma not go into too much detail just in case...

(It’s not scary, it’s just horny.)

Do You Accept Prompts: YES! Please prompt me as much as you want to! I’m sometimes slow and sometimes super quick with writing, but I treasure new ideas <3

Upcoming Story You’re the Most Excited For: The sequel to Soft Like Summer Rain. I haven’t even started outlining it properly yet, but I desperately need it to exist, and I get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. It continues the fix-it sweetness of Soft Like Summer Rain, and in the beginning, I’m going to try my hand at actually writing some of the folks down at the station well. It’s Tough, but I do have to learn how to Fred Thursday and George Fancy eventually...

I’m tagging @jasmiinitee, @not-easy-being-green124, @california-112, @astridcontramundum and @hekate1308 cos y’all are some of my favourite Endeavour fandom writers!! And anyone else who wants to do this but hasn’t <3

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Eighty-Seven: She’s Better Than That ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto ] [ SasuHina, NaruSaku ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

Given his popularity through high school, Sasuke’s been used to people trying to cozy up to him for all the wrong reasons. Especially girls. Even someone like Sakura - who chased him (and drove him up the wall) since their first years of elementary school only gave up in the latter parts of high school. Students would come and go, and with them would be an almost inevitable crush on the moody, broody dark-haired Uchiha.

His brother had suffered the same fate when he was in high school, having to brush admirers aside since he was young. Though...of course, Itachi had been a bit more gentle and polite about it. Nowadays, Sasuke is all but rude depending on the circumstances. While most advances are brushed off with just some light exasperation, others take a more...firm approach.

And lately...he’s needed all the more reason to keep them aside.

Ever since Hinata approached him, he’s been...unsure what to think. He’d been keeping his admiration of her secret for so long, knowing she was so attached to his dumbass best friend. Then he let it slip that day after practice...and she’d given him that odd look. When she actually showed up to his game - even after her bike got a flat - he was pretty taken aback. And of course it was his mother who ended up giving her a lift.

Then, well...he got smacked in the face with a flyaway bat, and she’d just happened to be there to see it and take him to the nurse. He’d never been so embarrassed in his life...but at least she didn’t seem to think he was an idiot. She was just...worried.

And just a few days ago, she actually waited for him after practice, making small talk before...asking if he’d like to go out. Needless to say, he’d been completely blindsided. Her getting over Naruto apparently went a lot easier for her than he thought.

But then again...it sounded like she’d been slowly dwindling hope on the prospect, anyway. Still, for her to make the first move? With how shy he knows her to be? It honestly impressed him.

...and now he’s not sure what to do.

There’s not much of their senior year left, now. He hasn’t asked her what her plans are. His own are just to go to the local university a few cities over and major in business while also (hopefully) playing baseball. Hinata has played volleyball and tennis all four years, but she hasn’t mentioned if she’ll pursue it after high school...or anything about what she’ll do.

...he’s worried they might end up apart so quickly after finally making it together.

Sure, they don’t know each other that well yet, but...he’s always admired her from afar. Soft-spoken, kind, smart, and ridiculously adorable. To say that he’s smitten is putting it lightly. On his side of things, at least, he knows he’s pretty serious. Hinata, on the other hand, hasn’t really seen him the way he’s seen her until...pretty recently. Her attention has been elsewhere for quite some time.

So, he’s been paranoid about what they’ll do once Summer is over. Or even the school year itself, depending on her plans. What if she doesn’t end up feeling as strongly as he does? What if she slips through his fingers?

...he’s not sure what he’d do. He’s had so much ill luck with girls, he doesn’t want this one chance that he wants to pass him by…!

And eventually, someone notices his melancholy.

“What’s been up with you, dude?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been mopey. Well...I mean, more than usual,” Naruto replies, hopping up on the brick wall out front of the school beside his friend. A bag of chips is clenched between his teeth as he settles himself.

Sasuke wrinkles his nose. “...we have a game tomorrow. You’re really gonna put that garbage in your gut?”

“What? Nothin’ wrong with it! I’ll be fine - I eat crap all the time and never feel it!”

“...that habit’s going to bite you in the ass in a few years,” the Uchiha mutters.

“Now quit tryin’ to change the subject! What’s eatin’ you, dude?”

“Just...thinking a lot lately.”

“Well yeah, I figured. What about?”

“...the end of the year.”

“Aww, you gonna miss me?”

Sasuke deadpans.

“M’just kiddin’! Seriously...what’s wrong? I haven’t seen you look this out of it in a while.”

Sighing, Sasuke runs a hand back through his hair. “...Hinata asked me out the other day.”

Just stuffing chips in his mouth, Naruto suddenly blows a shower of food out over the sidewalk as he chokes, struggling to breathe. “S...she w-what?”

“Yeah. Just straight up asked me.”

“Well...what did you say?”

“I said sure. We haven’t had any time yet with practice and homework, but we’re thinking maybe this weekend.”

Blues blink, regarding his friend with a furrowed brow. “...okay. So...why’re you so glum if you’ve got a date? Got cold feet or somethin’?”

“No! No, that’s not it. I just…” He sighs, burying his face in his hands. “...look. I’ve liked Hinata for a long time. For like...all of high school.”

“Whoa...I had no idea.”

“Cuz I didn’t want anyone to know. She’s liked you for so long, I just...didn’t want to say anything. And now I might actually have, like...a chance. But…”

“But what?”

“But I dunno what’s gonna happen when we graduate! We haven’t talked about Summer plans, or college, or...anything.”

“Well, I mean...you haven’t even been on a date yet. Kinda jumpin’ the gun, aren’t ya?” When Sasuke doesn’t reply, Naruto hesitates. “...you like her that much…?”

“...yeah.”

“...well shit.” Setting his snack aside, Naruto goes quiet, thinking. “...you sure she’s not, uh...y’know…”

“...what?”

“It’s just...I mean, you said it yourself, right? She’s been on my tail for a long time! I just...don’t want you chasing someone who’s just...settling for you.”

At that, Sasuke’s expression quickly hardens. “No. That’s not how it is.”

“...but -?”

“Hinata’s not like that. She’s better than that! If she didn’t think this would work, she wouldn’t have asked me. She’s not settling -!”

“Okay, okay! I just...was worried, that’s all. You’re my best friend, dude. I wanna be sure you’re only using your time on someone who deserves you.”

“...I’m not worried about that.”

“...all right. Well…” The blond sighs, rubbing the back of his head in thought. “...maybe you can talk to her when you get together. Just kinda, y’know...casually bring it up. See what she says. I dunno if she’d be kinda freaked out if you suddenly started planning out your college choice because of her when you’re both still new to this, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. You’re right, I’ll just...ease into it. Try to be nonchalant. See how it goes from there.”

After a pause, Naruto can’t help a grin and a snicker. At Sasuke’s questioning glance, he admits, “Never thought it’d be you comin’ to me for dating advice, huh?”

Sasuke’s face sours. “Hey, I didn’t come to you, you just showed up! And I...needed to vent. Don’t get it twisted.”

“Yeah, yeah...well, I bet it’ll be fine. If Hinata’s as good of a person as you seem to think she is, then you’ve got nothin’ to worry about. Have your date, test the waters, and see how it goes. Just don’t start talkin’ about moving in together and havin’ kids, okay?”

“As if!” Sasuke rebukes, going a bit red in the face.

The pair then fall into a thoughtful silence.

“So...you ever ask Sakura out?”

“Yeah, like a thousand times!”

“I mean recently.”

Sipping his soda and pouting, Naruto mumbles, “...I was gonna wait until we win the game tomorrow. Y’know, since we’ll be goin’ to state that way. Maybe it’ll, I dunno...help change her mind.”

“...well I hope she says yes.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’ve liked her a long time, man. Maybe we’ll both have better luck this time around.”

Naruto blinks. “...it’d be nice.”

“...well, speaking off, I better get home,” Sasuke then offers, hopping off the wall. “I gotta get my homework done and get to bed early so I’m not tired for the game.”

“Hey, you wanna do mine, too?”

“Yeah, right. Just go home and do it! There’s only a few more weeks left, you can tough it out, dude.”

The blond pouts. “Yeah, yeah...see ya tomorrow.”

“Later.” Hands in his pockets, Sasuke makes his way around to the parking lot, mind still abuzz with what-ifs. Maddening, he knows...but he just can’t help it.

...Hinata’s a nice person. He’s sure she’ll take it well. He’s just, well...a little afraid. This is his first time opening up like this, after all. He wants to do it right...and hopefully not have to deal with the fallout of things going south.

...he has a plan. Now to just...execute it.

                                                           .oOo.

     (This is a sequel to days 149, 168, 183, and 271!)      More sportsverse! Not...very much sports in this one, or even Hinata, but it's more of a like...transitional piece.      I wanna say I've tackled this notion (Hinata 'settling' for Sasuke) before, but it was in the canon AU verse I write, so...different context, lol - and Sasuke's not about to stand for it here, either. I don't think Naruto means anything by it, he just wants to be sure Sasuke's feelings aren't one-sided. He's just trying to be a bro!      Buuut, on that note, I reallllly need some sleep. I'm still two days behind and likely will be for...quite some time. At least through October with my other fanfic challenge going on. And irl has been...rough ^^; So thank you guys for your patience. One way or another, we'll make it to the end of the year, I promise! Some might just...be a lil late. We'll see~ But either way, thanks for reading!

[softbeanz]

Do I know you?

( ¡¡not my gif!! )

A/n- HOWDY PEOPLE!! This is yet another Fitzxreader writing! I’ve been watching his videos a lot more! So I decided to write an idea that I’ve been thinking about for a long time! Now on with the story ~

(Y/C/N) - Your channel name

PAX East was as crowded as ever, a different stand in every direction you walked. For some people new to the lovely event, it was a lot to take in. But for you, it was yet another normal get together of both content creators and fans of all kind.

As you walked the cramped walkways you were lucky enough to meet fans of your well know channel, ( Y/C/N ). Most of your fans were very eager to get the chance to meet you! Others were a bit shy at first, but once seeing how patient you were with them, left them happy as could be. You, personally, were very nervous about how this years PAX would go. Since this year you decided that you would travel alone. Lots of your friends ( both irl and online ) had been very busy with their own channels and lives that they stayed home to keep up with it. So here you were, waking the cramped lanes of very excited and energetic people; alone.

“ ( Y/C/N )? Is that actually you? “

A deep mans voice said from behind you, you jumped around excited to meet yet another fan. Yet, for some reason, this fan felt a bit off for you. You were never the judging type, ESPECIALLY when it came to your fans; you had fans of all kinds! But as you turned around you could smell the stench of weed, reaking off of him. He wore a heavy winter coat, a dark colored shirt underneath it, and his pants fit the look very well. You smiled happily, quickly removing the thought from you mind

“ hi yes that’s me! Are you a fan? “

You answered sweetly, he nodded and moved his hand to his coat to take out a small notepad; you noticed that it came from a hotel, the brand name placed at the top of it; You also noticed you were the only one to sign it. He handed you a pen and you accepted it, signing, and leaving a little sweet message as well.

He let out a rough laugh, as you went to look at his eyes, he was already staring at you. Your heart sped up a little with fear, but you smiled nonetheless

“ it was lovely meeting you sir! Have a wonderful day! “

You waved him off as you quickly paced forward , trying to forget the feeling of uneasiness he radiated off.

~

You continued the day, looking into different panels and buying different merchandise. But you couldn’t help the certain feeling of being followed in your stomach.

‘ I’m just being paranoid. ‘

You thought to yourself as you turned yet another corner. But that didn’t stop you from checking behind you, and all your suspicions had been answered as you saw the same man you had seen earlier that day. You were quick to turn you head and set a faster pace, hoping the stalker wouldn’t notice; continuing on as you had been earlier.

‘ wait, is he actually following me? What if I just happen to be in the same place as him? ‘

You thought, you decided to test your idea and walk random lanes; taking sudden turns and making loops around a certain stand. As you turned to recheck if the man was still there, you noticed that he had picked up his pace. You heart started beating rapidly, you decided to fall into a little fast walk, trying to find and excuse or a way out of the mess you were in. Not to far away from you was a very tall man, surrounded by at least 10 others. You paced over to him, slinging an arm around his making him jump at the sudden contact. He looked down at you confused for a moment, his mouth opened to say something but you interrupted

“ Chase! Hey bud! I’ve been looking for you for hours! Did you try and hide from me or something cause you were doing an amazing job! “

He closed his mouth, the other around you two continued to stare at both you and him. You turned around ignoring their stares to see that the man who was following you was gone. You let out a relived sigh and let go of the tall mans arm.

“ I’m so sorry! I was being followed for god knows how long by a “ fan “ of mine, I didn’t know what to do.. “

He let out an “ Ah “ understanding your motives

“ do you know her? “

Said a deep smooth voice, you turned to see that it had come from a man with a helmet on. The taller man waved him off, turning his attention down to you.

“ I’m Fitz, or, you can call me Cam “

You smiled and nodded

“ I’m ( Y/C/N) but please call me ( Y/N ). And once again I’m so sorry for bothering you guys, I should probably keep going then- “

“ no no stick with us! Wouldn’t want ya getting in trouble again now would ya “

Cam said smiling, the rest of the group seemed to agree with him. You hesitated for a moment on the idea, but you simply nodded and followed the group for the rest of the day. And slowly, all of you became good Buds; especially you and Cam. ;)

A/n- HEY GUESS WHOS BACK!! It’s me... I’m back.. but hey anyway sorry I’ve been reeeaallyy busy with school and hanging out with my family! I’ve gotten requests recently and I’m working on them anytime I.. have time. BUT thanks for 51 followers and all of the positive stuff with my writing! It’s really keeping me motivated with my work, thank all of you!

[thoughtsofadyingsoftwaredev]

First Impressions

It has been a long time since I found myself on tumblr. Because of this, I thought I’d write up a post to introduce myself, reminisce about my previous time on tumblr, and maybe figure out what I want this blog to become. (WARNING: THIS POST MAY TURN SUPER LONG. I AM SORRY BUT YOU HAVE NOW BEEN WARNED.) 

TL;DR: I used to have a tumblr almost 10 years ago, now I’m back. I talk about why I was on tumblr and what has changed in almost 10 years. A lot has changed.

I mentioned I was on tumblr before, mostly active around 2011 - 2013. I had the name ‘thoughtsofadyingmusicmajor’. It is easy to guess that from 2011 - 2013 I was in college and was a music education major. I would post lyrics from various songs, ranging from baroque to romantic to contemporary. I would also post the occasional video as well, either of myself being stupid on Youtube or of a particular song or pianist (I was a piano primary). I won’t lie: 90% of the reason I posted here back then was to impress and further talk with my best friend who I went to high school with that I had been flirting with all the way up to graduation. We drifted apart when we chose to attend separate colleges. The other 10% was my genuine love for music.

I would argue me becoming best friends with her was the worst possible thing for someone like me, who does not like taking large risks. When she became my best friend and then I developed feelings for her, it suddenly felt like an all-or-nothing game: I either walk away with my best friend as my girlfriend or I lose both trying. Yes this is a bit melodramatic, but again I was a kid in love with my best friend and was not doing so hot all the same. Give me a break!

That first tumblr allowed me a chance to express my thoughts and emotions as a guy going through early stages of depression and angst over my inability to act on my feelings for this girl. It also gave me yet another platform (snapchat, texting, voxer, etc) to speak with my best friend, which brought a lot of happiness to me during some mentally rough times. I was not prepared well enough for college during high school, and especially not for the rigorous schedules music majors had to keep up with.

I would occasionally visit my best friend at her campus. I actually just looked up the distance because it felt like the divide was immeasurable, but apparently immeasurable can be summed up in a 2 hour-ish drive... Well regardless it felt like we were much farther apart.

I remember buying her gifts of her favorite things; a large plush orca, a coffee mug shaped like an owl. I remember going to the movies with her to see Warm Bodies with a couple of her other friends. I finally had the bravery needed to hold her hand in a dark room, and I was glowing. It led to this very, VERY faint intimate relationship with an occasional kiss, time spent huddled together on her dorm room bed, and not much else. The distance was a big thing at the time, especially with my own internal issues and trying to keep afloat in college. And so, like so many things that have potential, it slowly died out. She started dating a mutual friend and after that we drifted apart as friends and as anything else. (What a lengthy prologue, right?)

Right around this time, I dropped out of college due to my plummeting grades and mental health. I’d stay up until 5am and then sleep the day away, or I’d try to reset by not sleeping at all, only to have that fail as well. I moved into a small house with 5 other dudes because I had no job, had family issues, and it was either that or a homeless shelter. I did chores around the house, pawned off my more expensive possessions, and constantly searched for jobs to make sure I didn’t get thrown out.

I got drunk one night and made an OkCupid profile, where I met my fiancee. We are almost 6 years strong and I can honestly say she is the greatest thing in my life (until we can get the down payment together on a house, then the house is new bae).

Not long after we started dating, I found one, then two jobs near where she was going to university. We moved in together, she graduated, then we moved again to the northern US, where we still are.

We both found decent customer service jobs, and I used mine to pay off outstanding student loans so that I could go back to college and finally get the bachelors degree that slipped away from me the first time. Clearly, by my new name, I am in school for computer science now. I graduate in May 2020, almost 10 full years after I first set off on my own as a young adult.

My fiancee works for the local government, which was her dream job, and I am working part time as a software developer until I graduate, which will then become a full-time position.

We have a cat, a rabbit, and two turtles for pets. I do not like the turtles.

All this to say, I suppose, that things have worked out well for me. I had very grim prospects for myself way back then, but now I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be.

As for why I switched from music education to computer science? Well, three things.

Being a music major made music a chore and made me genuinely loathe playing. I did not want to have something that let me escape myself and get away to become a cage.

Music education isn’t going to pay the bills with just a bachelors. Not on its own.

I’ve only ever really been good with technology and music. So I really just had the one choice left, right?

So yeah, I’m very happily engaged, I’m finally going to have that stupid piece of paper, and I should fall into a nice job immediately after getting it. I still play piano to unwind and relax, but no longer have to use it as an escape. To anyone who may see my old tumblr name and know who I am IRL, hello! I hope that regardless of who you are or if you do or do not know me that you have a great day. Especially after reading all of this (if you did lol) -Greg

[pluck-my-life]

Hey Snark! Silenda (loverofthebirbs) here. I was wondering why exactly do you like to ship Red x Chuck x Bomb together? I know why you like the polyship itself, but why the separate ships on their own? (Red x Chuck, Red x Bomb, and Chuck x Bomb?) You got me to kinda see some appeal in Red x Stella even if I've never liked it, so I wanted to know because you give good reasons! c:

Oh hey @loverofthebirbs nice to see you! My brain self-awakened at 6 am and is now bubbling with activity, so buckle up for a ride! *stretches hands preparing to type a lot*

First of all, it’s inclusivity. I don’t want to imagine a couple snuggling on the couch while there’s a “third wheel” on the other side of it, lonely and awkward and maybe a little bitter seeing all the affection and feeling excluded. And among the three only Red understands from the get-go how PDA can be painful for the onlooker, and what would he do if he’s the one in the relationship? He’d have to persuade his partner to cuddle in private, but! the other two are insanely physical and can’t resist touching him even as friends, and in a relationship? They’d have a hand on him all the freaking time unless he explicitly states he needs to be alone. Now Bomb can exist outside a relationship just being happy for his friends, because he’s got great empathy and maaaybe he could be ace, but that leaves us with your least favorite ship? And I absolutely can’t imagine Red or Chuck being the third wheel, unless Red is totally ace and satisfied with just having friends. I can see ace!Red + Chuck/Bomb, with an effort, because I connect with him the most and I’m not ace, but then the whole thing feel kinda bland. Sweet but bland, like a cookie without filling or icing. Movie!Bomb can’t fully satisfy Chuck in a relationship, he would be left at home while Chuck goes clubbing and picking up someone for the night, and he would sigh about not being cool enough to share Chuck’s adventures (while understanding that you can’t put restrictions on him, freedom is crucial for his happiness) and Red would feel obliged to cuddle with him to make him feel better, but if Chuck sees them like that he’d want to be in that fluff pile, and that would still turn into awkward polyamory, however more dysfunctional than my usual sort. And you can’t have Red/Bomb while leaving Chuck out, you just can’t, not with his obvious crush on Red. Bomb himself would try to talk Red into giving him a chance, because Bomb can’t stand seeing his friends suffer. Chuck’s attraction to Red is the key factor here, he’d want in on any relationship Red is having, whether it’s with Bomb or Stella or both. I can ship all four, connected via Red, and as far as I remember I’ve told you in messages how Red couldn’t deal with his roommates all the time, he’d need a breather and someone he can trust, to be able to fall apart in someone’s arms (and Bomb hasn’t reached the emotional maturity yet, he can maybe nod at Red’s complaints and hug him, but Stella could actually understand, maybe even share his burden of being a self-sufficient bird with needy partners while her own friends are perfectly able to entertain themselves). Red and Stella are both leader types, but Red is introvert or at least ambivert, and these types are said to get “adopted” by extroverts (such as Stella or Chuck). I must say I’m projecting a lot here, but isn’t it the whole point of shipping? to have at least some imaginary relationships when you can’t have it irl for one reason or another? When I was in a social phase and had relationships I wasn’t in any fandoms, I didn’t even draw anything. The whole fandom thing is my substitute for love life, and tbh it’s more reliable and satisfying than 1) trying to meet people, 2) talk to them enough to decide if they’re worth meeting, 3) find out you’re not attracted to them but they kind of are, because I’m the picky side here, and the whole thing turns awkward. And this is how I find friends through Tinder, even when I’m looking for a hookup. And then I’m likely to find a therapist for them via my own therapist, because the only people I resonate with are kinda messed up. In the Bird Village it’s the other way around, Red finds mates through group therapy, but the result is the same: misfits sticking together. And here we get to another reason I’m polyshipping through the character connect to: I can’t really love myself, even on a mentally healthy day I struggle to find myself attractive - but loving a character while simultaneously connecting with him almost takes me there. And here comes the best part: I connect with other characters in my ships as well (I don’t usually ship people I can’t relate to) and then I get to feel for both parts, even for three parts on a good day, and this fills my huge emotional capacity almost to the brim while my mind is involved too, imagining stuff and supporting the connections - unlike in a real relationship, when my brain gets bored and wanders over fantasies or trivial matters even during intimate moments. I’ve never thought of it that way, but it seems like I’m polyamorous because of my neurodivergency. No person I’ve ever had experience with had a personality as multifaceted as mine, ergo I can’t be satisfied with just one person emotionally (not even talking about sex - without emotional involvement it’s plain boring). Just like another character mentioned here, though for a different reason: if I’m a very big computer, and Chuck is a very fast computer, the result is technically the same: the calculations are done quickly and we’re left idle, understimulated. I don’t fully understand my connection with Chuck, or rather I can’t pinpoint it, because… let’s just try to list it. I’m anarchist, Chaotic Good, I love to entertain people with jokes and dorky behavior when I’m in a social mood (especially when drunk), I can be very active and enthusiastic when I have the energy… A lot of my qualities that I don’t even notice because they’re so natural would remind people of Chuck rather than Red, and isn’t that ironic in light of me not initially liking the “sexy and annoying” type? Or maybe it’s just my second-hand embarrassment getting in the way of just laughing at their antics? Most of the time I lack Chuck’s confidence, especially that finding-yourself-attractive brand of confidence, but with some effort I could adopt that quality and it could make me a better-functioning person. Now if I could adopt Bomb’s ability for unconditional love I could become that fusion phoenix we’ve been talking about, maybe even a complete person… but that wouldn’t happen without gaining some femininity from Stella’s flock - good thing it comes mixed in with mischief and badassery, which make it far more palatable than the annoying “tomboy turning into a prom queen” trope that needs to get thrown in a volcano. I’m carefully exploring a straight ship through the most capable character, borrowing some of her confidence to support my weak, underdeveloped female side. I would feel fairly comfortable as Dahlia too, except it makes me self-conscious about boring people out of their minds while being bossy - not the most attractive archetype, though I’m not familiar with her enough to see her good side (gotta rewatch the Stella toons, this time with a more analytical mindset)… Gale is the one I’m most wary of: I have that selfish bitchy side to me that I prefer to keep far away from the front parts of my personality, because I’m madly scared of her - can’t let her take reins of my self-criticism… or maybe I need to befriend her first? Except that’d take a lot of work I’m not yet ready for. I could do with Poppy’s carefree attitude and Willow’s love for the process of art, not the result I can show off in the internet to earn a little bit of attention - I think those qualities can go hand in hand. Less self-consciousness, more enjoyment, and if I can’t feel encouraged and supported whether others provide it or not, maybe I should achieve that through the powers of my imagination. My brain could be a whole world of its own if I wasn’t constrained by depression, anxiety, fear of rejection… things that sound familiar, and they do play a part in connecting me to characters. If I didn’t have them I’d be out in the real world, doing… I don’t know what exactly, if making art is one of my coping mechanisms?.. Crafting, I guess? Eh, my train of thought took a wrong turn… Here is another post about my connection to characters, if you haven’t seen it.

Why are you mentioning separate ships? They all happen in the same headcanon-universe, more or less. Polyamory isn’t always threesomes, and interpersonal relationships all have their own dynamics. Two can entertain themselves while the third one is busy or not in the mood. A fourth can spice up the picture once in a while, with or without intimacy. Pairings mix in my brain like colors and flavors, add a mood and it’s a different picture every time. I’ve drawn frisky Red x Chuck and passionate too, in my drafts there are unfinished comic panels for a fluffy first time and a quirky first time (that would be AUs from each other but whatever, how exactly their intimate life starts out doesn’t matter in the long run) as well as some scenes implying that Chuck has been annoying Red to get the rough treatment for a change (more on sexual dynamics here). Some of my scenarios involve Bomb walking in on the pair and they insist that he should join, even if he’s embarrassed, because it’s definitely better for his psyche than trying to go back to whatever he was doing before he heard the noise and went to investigate. He worries and even explodes when the two upset him by bickering with each other (in the comics), how would he know the noises weren’t arguing and fighting if he’s so socially inexperienced? Again, that makes Red x Bomb first time a separate AU, but those are just scenes their eventual life doesn’t depend on, I draw them to convey moods and emotions rather than to mark an event in the birds’ life. Maybe it’s not Bomb’s first time per se, maybe it’s his first time trying to be active rather than being pleasured by his mates, and he still needs tons of encouragement because he must be so insecure about, well… everything about his appearance! He’s not a conventionally attractive bird, there’s no way he hasn’t been teased a lot growing up, even if he was home-schooled (very likely due to his condition). You’ve mentioned Chuck giving him confidence about his ability by being impressed, same way Red could make him feel attractive (Red far more likely than Chuck, ‘cos the latter is a bit of a thrill-seeker, more attracted to a snarky bird with a temper, while Red would seek solace and relaxation after dealing with the needy, sometimes insensitive little annoyance that is Chuck). Bomb is a good empathetic listener, something both of them need, but Chuck can forget whatever bothers him and move on, while Red would dwell on it until he works things out on his own or Bomb asks what’s bothering him. He might not help to resolve the issue but he can comfort Red without too much talking, platonically or intimately or both, because that’s how moods work in harmonious relationships: people can cry after sex, or cry into their lover’s shoulder until they’ve dealt with that feeling and then get horny, or they could get overcome with feelings right in the process - crying is emotional unloading, and sex is… well, you see the parallel. Watching a movie we cry during emotional climaxes. Now I’ll leave these metaphors for potential fics and conclude that Red x Bomb is the emotional aspect of the trio’s dynamics, Red x Chuck is more sexual, and understanding Chuck x Bomb requires me to further my connection to both. I haven’t incorporated Stella in their dynamics, and she may not want to have relationships with all three anyway, but this is fine in polyamory too. It’s all about balance and satisfying everyone’s needs, not the geometry of connections.