#and it may be a good idea to seek professional advice. that’s what I’ve been doing and so far it seems to work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

halucygeno · 1 year

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Mental health vent: on being neurodivergent, Kokobot and counterproductive “help”

So, I recently looked up the #Depression tag and was immediately messaged by Kokobot, Tumblr’s officially partnered mental health counselling provider. In typical late-capitalist fashion, it was absolutely atrocious at its job, and not-so-secretly a scheme to harvest people’s user data. User @viridianriver made a fantastic post where they summarise the issue better than I ever could, give it a read:

https://www.tumblr.com/viridianriver/722834494910038016/kokobot-the-airbnb-owned-tech-startup-data?source=share

Highly unethical shit and revolting all around. Whoever from Tumblr staff decided this was a good idea should be fuckin’ ashamed of themselves.

But this saccharine, performatively gentle parasite of a bot made me reflect on some of the ways people in real life have failed me when I’ve brought up my mental health problems. Aside from the struggle of finding a therapist who understands my style of thinking and the type of guidance I need (I’ve been through 4 different ones), I’ve often ran into an invisible wall when openly speaking to friends and family.

I’ve been meaning to write something like this for a while, and Kokobot gave me the push to articulate some of my observations - about what is helpful, what isn’t helpful, and some general patterns in how people have addressed my mental illness.

Anyway, here’s my honest advice:

[DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. This is just an opinion based on my personal experience. Take everything I say with a tablespoon of salt.]

Seek out other people who have struggled with the same (or similar) problems as you. These are the people who are best equipped to empathise with you and see things from your perspective. I know it may sound impossible at first, but you gotta try.

If your school / university has a counselling service, see if they run any support groups. If not, check to see if there’s something hosted independently by students or local organisations. You preferably want to talk to someone you can trust, like a family member, friend or close colleague. If there is absolutely nobody in your real-life environment you can turn to, then confiding in a stranger online is a “good enough” substitute. Obviously, maintain a good level of caution when speaking to anyone you don’t know - don’t reveal identifying information like photos, names or addresses. If your problems involve something very specific or personal, use analogies and fake names.

The reason I put emphasis on contacting others who have gone through similar issues is that people without that perspective, even if well-intentioned, can actually worsen the situation with their attempts to help.

For example, if you speak openly about your suicidal thoughts (even if you make it very clear that it’s only casual suicidal ideation, with no clear “plan” or strong compulsion to actually do it), people may panic and call emergency services, which can lead to you having to spend half an hour explaining to confused cops and medics: “no, I’m fine, I’m not about to kill or injure yourself, the caller misunderstood me, no, I don’t need a Diazepam injection, no, I don’t want to see a physician...” and so on.

Trying to open up to people who lack the proper perspective will, ironically, increase your frustration and isolation as they adopt an overprotective, patronising attitude. Your negative thoughts will be treated as aberrant and pathological (even if they are well articulated and backed with arguments), and therefore quickly dismissed as “the illness talking”. The condition will basically be used to discredit your autonomy of beliefs, and you will be pressured to adopt the standard, “healthy” attitudes and desires.

Paradoxically, while acting as if your mental illness has completely taken over your thoughts, they will also heavily underestimate its severity and treat it as an issue of “willpower”. You may hear suggestions for things like mindfulness exercises, breathing techniques, meditation, a healthier diet, homeopathic treatments, etc. While these may help in some cases (especially eating healthy), they completely ignore the fact that people on the spectrum or with attention disorders may be straight-up neurologically incapable of focusing on some of these these tasks. (This is anecdotal, but I have attempted about a dozen guided meditations + yoga, and each time it feels like being put in a straightjacket while some pretentious twat tries to gaslight me about what I’m feeling to the tune of the most annoying, cliche “relaxation” music imaginable. It’s impossible to feel anything other than frustration.)

The worst part about this is that these very deliberate displays of “care” and “sympathy” usually dehumanise you by refusing to meet you where you’re at and discuss things on your own terms.

If you’re feeling depressed because of socio-political issues like climate change, racism, economic exploitation and inequality, instead of helping you channel your frustration into action - telling you how to network with local activists, offering to read political theory with you, etc. - they will view the social concern itself as the issue and nudge you towards supressing it (saying things like “focus on your own life, then worry about politics”). Instead of trying to politically empower you, they want you to surrdener to disempowering political apathy.

If you’re feeling depressed due to difficulties with an academic or personal project, you’ll hear vague non-advice like “be kind to yourself” and “don’t push yourself too hard”, with zero actual interest in learning about the specifics of what you’re struggling with. If you’re a writer, for example, these people won’t bother to read your work, and if you ask them to give you some feedback on a draft, they’ll agree before procrastinating it into oblivion.

And don’t even get me started if your sadness stems from philosophical reflections. Most people are extremely illiterate in even conversational-level philosophy, making constant appeals to anecdotes, mysticism and “common sense”. It’s often a struggle to get them to question something they take for granted, much less make them logically evaluate the coherency of a philosophical principle.

You get the point. People say they want to help, but they seemingly want to do that without making any commitments or getting to know anything difficult about you. They can be incredibly overbearing in terms of suggesting broad, overarching lifestyle changes, but when it comes to specific habits and behaviours you yourself want to change, where you could really use a bit of coaching or encouragement, they don’t even examine it.

I understand that the kind of help I’m asking for is incredibly labour intensive and difficult - especially if someone is struggling with a highly technical skill (in which case it may be downright impossible; how are you supposed to help a friend stuck on a programming task without being a programmer yourself)? But if these people are not willing to do that, then the least they can do is shut up with their patronising self-help platitudes. It feels more alienating and depressing to constantly hear stock responses like “it will get better” than just not talking about it at all.

So yeah, look for others who have gone through the same thing. Seek practical, actionable advice instead of vague, feel-good nonsense. Don’t bother talking to those who obtusely fail to understand your condition and condescend to you - it will just exhaust you.

Those are my two cents, and better mental health advice than anything Kokobot will ever give you. Peace.

#mental health #vent #neurodivergent #toxic positivity #politics #advice #vent post

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thejpegofdoriangray · 2 months

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Then, in June 2020, J. K. Rowling wrote a series of tweets that set off a media hullabaloo. She began by sarcastically commenting on an article that used the term people who menstruate, before doubling down in ways that many criticized as anti-trans.

A few days later, Radcliffe issued a personal statement through the Trevor Project. “I realize that certain press outlets will probably want to paint this as in-fighting between J. K. Rowling and myself, but that is really not what this is about, nor is it what’s important right now,” he began, before moving on to say: “Transgender women are women. Any statement to the contrary erases the identity and dignity of transgender people and goes against all advice given by professional health care associations who have far more expertise on this subject matter than either Jo or I.”

He expressed hope that readers’ experiences with the Harry Potter books needn’t be tarnished by this, and argued that what people may have found within those books—for instance, “if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to the oppression of vulnerable groups”—remains between readers and the books, “and it is sacred.”

“I’d worked with the Trevor Project for 12 years and it would have seemed like, I don’t know, immense cowardice to me to not say something,” Radcliffe says when I raise this subject. “I wanted to try and help people that had been negatively affected by the comments,” he tells me. “And to say that if those are Jo’s views, then they are not the views of everybody associated with the Potterfranchise.”

Since those June 2020 tweets, Rowling has proclaimed, again and again, her belief in the importance of biological sex, and that the trans-rights movement seeks to undermine women as a protected class. Radcliffe says he had no direct contact with Rowling throughout any of this. “It makes me really sad, ultimately,” he says, “because I do look at the person that I met, the times that we met, and the books that she wrote, and the world that she created, and all of that is to me so deeply empathic.”

During the blowback, he was often thrown in together with his Harry Potterco-stars Emma Watson and Rupert Grint, who both also expressed their support for the trans community in response to Rowling’s comments. In the British press particularly, he says, “There’s a version of ‘Are these three kids ungrateful brats?’ that people have always wanted to write, and they were finally able to. So, good for them, I guess.” Never mind that he found the premise simply wrongheaded. “Jo, obviously Harry Potter would not have happened without her, so nothing in my life would have probably happened the way it is without that person. But that doesn’t mean that you owe the things you truly believe to someone else for your entire life.”

...

“I’ve realized over the years,” Radcliffe says, “that if there’s a sweet spot to be found between deeply fucking weird and strange and almost unsettling, and kind of wholesome and earnest and very sincere, then that’s the stuff I really love doing.” Anything, he tells me, “that says something kind of lovely about human beings in spite of ourselves, in spite of how bad the world is.”

#hp

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ardentguilt · 2 years

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RESOURCES FOR AUSSIE TRANSMEN

Endocrinologist:

Handles the endocrine side of transition, this being the hormone therapy, bloodwork to monitor how things are going and regular to annual visits to check in.

Dr Kirsten Murray

Works at Hunter Endocrinology in Adamstown. This is who I’ve been seeing for the past 5 and a half years.

She’s great, explains things really well, is thorough with making sure your body is handling the hormones well, respectful of your identity and will help to tailor the hormone therapy specifically to you so you get the hormones at a rate that is healthy for you and minimises or manages whatever issues that may occur.

She’s also a great help when it comes to seeking out the next steps in transition and will help you find good doctors for whatever next step you choose to take.

Top Surgeon:

Pretty self explanatory. Someone who can help you organise and perform top surgery if that’s something you decide you’d like.

Dr Gary Avery:

A cosmetic and reconstructive surgeon who has integrated transgender top surgery into his skill set. He chose to pursue this after discovering just how in demand this surgery was and his goal is to provide a quality service to help his patients be their best self.

He works in Newcastle at Avery plastic surgery.

This is who did my top surgery. He’s awesome. Very down to earth and not full of himself like some surgeons (particularly plastic surgeons) tend to be. He explains things very well regarding the various types of surgery on offer and the pros and cons of each type.

He doesn’t try to push to to one type over another but instead gives you all the information and leaves the choice of what type of technique you want to go with.

He does really good clean work and I for one couldn’t be happier with the result. He includes post operative appointments at his offices in the cost of the surgery which includes a type of light therapy that helps the scars to heal and attain a better appearance.

His post op team is also really great, they’re gentle, respectful and happy to help with any questions or concerns you have regarding your healing.

If you’re looking for too surgery in Australia I couldn’t reccomend this guy more.

Hysterectomy:

For if you decide you want the internal female reproductive system removed whether partially (uterus + ovaries) or entirely (uterus, ovaries, tubes, cervix)

Dr Angela Dunford:

She works in The Junction at Newcastle Fertility Specialists.

This lady specifically includes trans people in her area of work and is respectful of your identity and chosen pronouns.

She has you tell her your history as a trans person so she can get an idea of where you’re at in your own words, what you��re looking to achieve with regards to the surgery etc.

Like Dr Avery she tells you about the various techniques available for the surgery, their pros and cons, what to expect post op etc.

She mentioned to me that she hates that it’s so difficult for trans people to get surgeries like this without having to fork over their life savings and so she doesn’t charge any excess to make it a bit easier on the $$$.

I have my surgery date with her early next year so I’ll update this afterwards about quality.

Health Fund:

It can be really difficult to find a health fund that’ll actually cover the surgical stuff for transgender individuals but being in one that does (even if you only sign on long enough to have your surgeries then ditch the fund) can really lessen the financial costs of things.

Defence Health:

This is the fund I’m with for my surgeries and I can confirm with their Core Hospital Silver Plus 500 & Value Extras they will cover a portion of the top surgery and will also cover the full hysterectomy proceedure [covers the surgery item number (35753), theatre, hospital + accomodation feed up to $500 above your excess plus surgeon and anaesthetist fees up to whatever the MBS at the time is.

I’ll update this post via a Reblog later as I find more to add.

#ooc #transgender #transman #ftm #trans

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hillarysss · 4 years

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RAHU IN THE HOUSES🦹🏽‍♀️

Heyy guys I’m back :)) I’ve just been focusing on myself lately. And I’ve been wanting to talk about more Vedic astrology since I know some of my followers really like Vedic! There isn’t one that is better or worse but personally do think that Vedic can be more helpful when it comes to life events and predictions. ☺️

RAHU PLANET COMBINATIONS

Some words associated with Rahu: confusion, obsession, travel, diseases.

Rahu is not a physical planet.

Rahu is a malefic planet, meaning whatever house is in even though there is houses Rahu excels in (3rd, 6th, 10th, 11th) it still brings malefic effects, that’s what it does.

Some of my interprations may not resonate because it depends on the whole chart. These are some general intepretations.

How to calculate my Vedic Birth-chart?

https://vaultoftheheavens.com/ChartCreatorLahiri/Welcome.aspx << (Click North Indian, it is preferred)

Rahu in 1st house: Such person is incredibly intelligent. But doesn’t always use it for good. They can find themselves in a lot of scandals. Loves material things and go as far as recklessly loosing money for luxury. Identity issues, needs validation. Such person has incredible good motivation to reach a higher status in life and will most likely not fail to do so. However, if Rahu is bad placed in a sign it can bring issues with the physical body and mental health. This placement is prone to be mentally ill. Goes through a bunch of obstacles in early life. If Rahu is in a good sign, wealth is a common theme for this placement.

Rahu in 2nd house: Such person is most likely attached to their family image, may know multiple languages or is interested to do so. You may have intrusive thoughts and can suffer not knowing what is the reason to keep living. Low self-esteem. If in a exalted sign could have a rich partner. Even if they are attached to family image their family probably isn’t as good as they want it to be. They care a lot about their image. Has intellect with their words and knows what to say and this will get them to such higher position in life. Speaks quite fast.

Rahu in 3rd house: This is flavorable placement for Rahu. (: Could have bad relationships with siblings or have a brother.(If Malefic, If in a good sign you have a very good relationship with your siblings.** You express your opinions openly and this can make you someone a lot of people look up to especially on the web. Most likely will go on a bunch of mini vacations. Such person has ego and loves being unique. Intelligent people. Since Rahu is associated with Illusion such people can make up fake scenarios and stories just for their own ego and validation. Type to make original stories way more dramatic to please other people. Manipulative but doesn’t get caught easily. Natural charm.

Rahu in 4th: From my observations, people with Rahu in 4th could have a famous family member or/and a family member that is quite wealthy. The more feminine figure (Usually the mother) plays a big role for people with Rahu in 4th. You can usually find this placement in big internet trolls as person lacks empathy to other people perspective. Impulsive. Person may move a lot. Probably doesn’t live where they were born. May have very unusual secretive hobbies. Family may not know them a lot since person can be quite secretive. Mother could’ve suffered from something and could’ve been delusional. Mother may always put pressure. Generous but with big ego. Most likely donates their money to special things.

Rahu in 5th: Most likely wants to be famous and will go to absurd lengths to get it. Can and might as well step on others in order to get their goal. However, this placement makes someone clever and very creative! May not have any children or could damage their children. Was probably the mean popular girl. Confident but sometimes over the top. Can benefit from investments. Likes to learn new things and has a bunch of stored knowledge. Loves books. Interested in singing or any creative field.

Rahu in 6th: Persuasive individuals. Opstimistic about challenges. Most likely has very good health. May be involved in traumatic events like kidnapping or theft. Criminal record is found in Rahu in 6th individuals. Very good with fighting. Will benefit greatly with their own bussiness. People look up to them but yet initmidated. Such individual most likely has a controversial status yet powerful. Very strategic. You can’t beat them in arguements.

Rahu in 7th: Unhappy marriage is very possible here. Has a bunch of sexual partners and most likely has a lot of relationships. Is obsessed with the idea of another being in their life. Has to be careful about what they say cause anything they say can be used very badly especially with partnerships. Info might be exposed things they only gave to their partners. Such as nudes being exposed or anything very personal. Most likely will have a bunch of achievements in life. Confusion within their own personality. Highly dominating. Will be known. Very skillful and knows how to use it to their advantange. Can be very spiritual. Can push their opinions on to others.

Rahu in 8th: A lot of physical issues is promiment. Issues with law. Will have a bunch of changes throughout their life wether they’re good or bad they will happen often. Your family may suffer with money. Could end up homeless at some point. Has very good charm with people. Deaths can be a common theme here. Good researches and can find out anything & can detect bullshit. May have thought about being a detective during their life. Interest in astrology. Wouldn’t be suprised if a lot of you guys have this lol. Extremely good intuition. Great mind for researching the occult.

Rahu in 9th: Constantly doubts everything and everyone, may have trust issues. Stubborn minded people. Very big love on foreign lands. Good common sense and can excell in politics. May fake their background to fit in. May have a bad relationship with the father figure. Constantly wastes money. But they can also have income from many different sources. Wants the truth and only that. Interest in traveling abroad. Could be seen as mean. Will seek higher knowledge and the truth.

Rahu in 10th: Will experience a bunch of life changing events in life. This usually brings more positive than negative here. (It depends on aspects) . Rahu in 10th is found in extremely sucessfull individuals. May change workplace quite often. Something common with this placement is rag to riches. Such person could’ve been born in a poor environment and then they rise up to fame and recognition. They succeed professionally. Could have interest in Social Work. Can use their tactics for the wrong way to get what they want. However, love life may suffer.

Rahu in 11th: Type of person to have had interactions with people of power. Prone to miscarriages. Will succeed in Marketing. Has a bunch of dreams they wanna chase after. Friendships will help a bunch to this native this lifetime. (: Receives much love from others but may not give it back.. Always sees the good in everyone and this can set them back. Should be careful when taking advice from others. Can be extremely naive. Will use their imagination this lifetime to achieve higher power and is possible they will succeed doing so.

Rahu in 12th: Will achieve good success relating to Spiritual growth. May write books or blogs about their spiritual knowledge. Could be psychic or/and astrologer. Most likely won’t have a traditional career. Can cause trouble relating to professional life. May have long-distance partners. Could be prone to being catfished. A lot of healers have this placement. May have trouble sleeping. Very religious or can be very attached to their own beliefs. Will go to extra lengths to escape from reality. Compassionate human being.

Let me know if you guys want more Vedic content. Give some feedback 🥰

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lokislastlove · 3 years

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Best Laid Plans (Fluffy Bucky x Reader) p3

Summary: Bucky is determined to woo you properly, no matter how rusty he is at dating these days.

Warnings: Some smut at the end, oral (fr), Bucky has bad luck, but we love him anyway. 18+ only please.

This is my first attempt at Fluff, it is not my strength, to say the least, so by all means ignore this. @saiyanprincessswanie I wrote this for you, I hope you like it and with any luck maybe it brings a tiny smile to your face when you need it. 💕 Also remember this is fiction, I know Bucky’s arm is fancy as hell and has no flaws.

Chapter 3 -

🌹 The Third Date 🌹

The office is abuzz with rumors of your new romance. For obvious reasons Pepper never shuns coworkers dating, but does caution that she expects everyone to remain professional regardless of the outcome. Bucky is one of the most sought after bachelors in the building so naturally people notice when he fixes his attention on you. For the two days following your fruit-filled frolic in the hills Bucky is constantly around. He brings you coffee, flowers by the dozen every day, saves you a seat during the meetings, cooks you lunch and even brings Kal in to see you.

“Okay, I can’t wait any longer. You willing to give me that second chance, tomorrow?” Bucky bursts into your office an hour before you leave Friday evening.

You gasp as the door slams against the wall and he cringes, “uh, sure. I’m free tomorrow. Should I just go ahead and wear my yoga pants?”

“Ha ha. Very funny. And no. I let Steve pick the date idea this time. Just don’t wear anything that you don’t want getting a little dirty,” he winks.

You let out a sigh, “wouldn’t it be easier to just tell me what we’re doing?”

“That’s no fun, Angel.”

——

The next morning you wake up to a text from Bucky, just like you have every morning since your first date.

Good Morning, Beautiful! Can’t wait to see you today. I’ll pick you up at 11am. 😀

Bucky has managed to make waking up a highlight of your day, something you never thought possible. Plus you got him to start using emojis, which Steve claims he will never forgive you for.

You choose some dark wash jeans and a V-neck t-shirt with a jacket and boots. Stylish but casual, you feel good, excited to find out what adventure Bucky will be dragging you into this time.

Your phone dings as you race out the front door and gulp when you see the bike again. God he looks good with it though, his light brown leather jacket highlights his olive skin and his dimpled smile has you swooning as you reach him. Determined to get a hang of this motorcycle thing you jump on back and cling to Bucky with a bit more confidence today.

Bucky reigns in his speed this time, and you find yourself enjoying the rush of the wind on your face and the warmth of him in your arms. To your shock Bucky leads you to a ceramic shop not far from Avengers tower, specifically for couples pottery class.

“Steve assures me that this is supposed to be fun and romantic,” Bucky says as you find yourself sitting next to him on a dirty stool with a spinning round table in front of you.

“Steve hasn’t been watching old romance movies again, has he?”

Bucky squints at you, “Actually, yeah but he said it had ghosts in it, and I got enough of those.”

You grab his hand and give it a squeeze before taking a deep breath, “Ok, let’s do this!”

It takes about a minute to realize what a terrible idea this is as Bucky curses under his breath and his arm starts making strange whirling noises.

“Oh shit, uh is clay good for your arm?” You ask, nodding at the way the plates of his metal arm seems to twitch and groan as the wet clay slide and congeal between them as they shift.

“Fuck,” Bucky curses as he shakes out his metal arm and you grimace at the worrisome noise it makes before it stops moving all together.

“Do you want to take it off?” you offer.

Bucky looks frustrated with a hint of panic as he sits there contemplating the best move. He still isn’t very comfortable going without his arm in public.

“Or we could just decide not to take Steve’s dating advice anymore and go back to the tower and get cleaned up?” You laugh and bump him with your elbow.

He scoffs out a laugh, “yeah. You know I used to be the one that was good at this stuff, I was the charming one who helped get Steve a date.”

“Oh is that so? Well I think you’re doing better than you think you are,” you smirk.

“Yeah?” He asks hopefully.

“Yeah, now come on Casanova,” you stand and wipe your hands on the towel nearby.

You can’t help but laugh as you follow him out the door, looking at the light gleam off the metal that isn’t covered in clay.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, it’s just… gonna be hard to convince me you’re not a complete mess after this one.”

——

You could tell Bucky’s confidence had taken a major hit, well three major hits to be honest. And while he constantly berated himself for everything that went wrong, you couldn’t help but love him even more with each blunder. And when he doesn’t insist you give him another shot after that disastrous pottery date, you seek out Steve’s advice.

“Do you think I should try to make a move? Ask him on a date maybe? Or is that insulting to … men from your era,” you finish awkwardly.

Steve laughs softly, “I think Bucky could use a sign that you aren’t willing to give up yet. You should give it a shot, as long as it’s what you want and not just out of pity.”

“Of course it’s not out of pity, you really think I’d do that?” you ask, trying not to get too offended.

“No, doll, of course I don’t. But that’s likely what he’s going to think.” He placates and gives you a knowing look before walking out of your office.

You push back your shoulders and pull out your phone to text Bucky.

Hey if you’re free tonight you should come over to my place. Maybe around 8pm? No dress code. 😘

🌹 The Fourth Date 🌹

Bucky arrives at 7:50pm that evening and you push the buzzer to let him in. You leave the door cracked for him and finish the final touches.

“Angel?” He calls as he knocks and you hear the door creak open. “Uh, hello?” His voice falters as he closes the door behind him and takes in the candles neatly arranged along a path of rose petals.

You hear him remove his heavy boots and call your name as he follows the path further into your apartment and closer to where you’re waiting for him. You shift nervously on your feet as you wait with baited breath for him to appear around the corner.

“Angel, what’s going..” His voice gets caught in his throat as he stands in your doorway and sees you waiting for him.

You’re wearing a simple nightgown, a silky robe and stockings. The thin straps and sleek material drape softly over your curves, enticing enough to make him pause but not overly revealing to be considered scandalous. You didn’t want to be too bold and scare him off too fast, or make yourself appear too desperate.

“Hi, Bucky,” you smile as you watch his pupils dilate and his chest strain against his shirt as his breathing gets heavier.

He clears his throat and his cheeks glow pink as his eyes flick up to meet yours, “uh hey, Angel. Am I dreaming?”

You laugh as you take a few steps toward him and he mirrors you, “I just thought that maybe I’d surprise you with a date, this time. If you’re up for it.”

“Well, I will admit that my interest is quite peaked already.” He jokes, his eyes roving down your body once more as he gently takes your hands and holds them out to get a better look at you.

You giggle and rolls your eyes, “Nothing crazy, just a simple movie date, and I have the perfect set up. Follow me.”

You pull him over to your bedroom window and climb out onto the fire escape, he follows closely, his curiosity climbing with each creaky step.

“You sure this is safe?” He asks as the stairs rattle under his weight.

“No,” you say simply as you reach the top, “but it’s worth it.”

Bucky’s eyes widen as he takes in the rooftop space that you’ve meticulously decorated for him. Strings of lights hang on the low rooftop walls. A large air mattress is tucked between the pipes and vents, facing a large projector screen. You made sure to add mountains of fluffy pillows and soft blankets to keep you cozy under the stars.

“This is amazing,” he mutters as he eyes the plate of snacks and bottle of wine waiting on the bed.

“I know, isn’t the view amazing? I’ve always loved it up here, but I didn’t know it had this much potential until now,” you remark as you look out onto the glimmering view of the city skyline.

Bucky’s fingers slip between yours and curl sweetly as he guides you over to the soft bed. He flops down and settles in before opening his arm for you to join him. You grab the remote and the wine and curl up next to him. Drawing up your legs and letting them rest against his muscular thigh.

“I don’t deserve all this,” he utters sadly as he watches you pour the wine.

“Steve said you’d say something stupid like that,” you laugh as he looks stunned for a moment. “So let me just settle this right now.” You take deep breath and let it out with a quiet huff.

“I have been the happiest I’ve ever been since you asked me out on that first date. I look forward to waking up every morning knowing I’ll get to see you and possibly, maybe, do more than just ogle you from afar. Oh don’t look at me like that!” You laugh and smack Bucky’s shoulder when he smirks at you and wiggles his brow.

“I know you think you blew it after our first three dates but all I remember is seeing a passionate man willing to chase down a dog through the mud, even if it meant embarrassing himself. I remember you saving me from a potentially fatal injury, and I remember a man so desperate to impress me that he took advice from Steve Rogers,” you bite your lip as you watch Bucky choke out a laugh at your jab at his best friend.

“You may think all of these moments are flaws, but honestly I wouldn’t want to change a single thing. So let’s just –” Your speech is cut off when Bucky’s hands are suddenly on the side of your face and pull you in for a blazing kiss.

It’s as though you’ve unlocked something in him as he devours you, his tongue trailing across your lip and delving into your mouth when you open for him. You moan as his hands slip down to your neck, his thumbs pressing ever so slightly on your pressure points before he pulls away just enough to kiss and nibble along your jaw. The pleasure and passion is dizzying and you feel your body bend to his will. Your hands grasp at his shirt as he nuzzles and sucks along your neck now, making his way to your clavicle.

The feather pillow braces your head as Bucky lays you down and hovers above you, his body heat warming you as the cool night breeze tickles over each spot he kisses.

“God, Angel, you have no idea how badly I want you right now. How badly I’ve wanted you for so long.” He groans against your chest, dragging his nose over the thin material between your breasts.

“Me too,” you breathe.

You push at the lapel of his jacket, trying to urge him to take it off. He sits up, fixing his eyes on you as he slowly strips off his coat and tosses it away, followed by his shirt immediately after. Your breath hitches as you let your fingers lightly glide down his stomach, feeling every ripple of firm muscle under his heated skin.

“Wow, the girls at work would be so jealous right now,” you kid.

“I’m almost offended that you think this is my best feature,” he scoffs gesturing to his stomach, his eyes glinting mischievously.

“By all means, show me more. I did come up here for a show after all,” you tease, tilting your head and biting your lip as you eye the growing bulge in his pants.

“Oh, I think I know how to keep you entertained,” he smirks and lowers himself over you, his hot breath leaving goosebumps on your skin as he dips lower down your body.

You look down as he pauses over your quivering center and lifts the hem of your dress up to reveal your lace panties. He growls lowly and hooks his finger under them, pulling them quickly to the side. You twitch as he blows lightly over your lips, the cool air hitting the slick arousal already pooling between your thighs. He chuckles as you grip the blankets tightly and he pushes his long thick tongue between your folds, circling your bud at the top. You let out a long moan as his fervor increases, the feeling of his rough tongue dipping into your dripping hole and then back up to flick over your clit is driving you closer and closer to the edge.

After the past two weeks of the most intense sexual tension you’ve ever experienced it doesn’t take much for him to have you squirming under his touch. Your toes curl and a broken scream echoes over the rooftops as you come on his hungry lips.

“You’re so beautiful,” he coos as your eyes flutter open and see him hovering over your face once more.

Your jaw slackens, pupils blown as you take in his debauched state, his tousled hair, lips and beard glistening with your come. You reach up and pull him down to you, tasting yourself on his tongue. You feel his metal arm fumble with his jeans between you as he pulls out his aching cock. Your eyes flick down in curiosity and you can’t help but gasp as you gaze at his veiny, thick length.

“You see how hard you make me?” He moans, fisting the base of his leaking cock.

You bite your lip, feeling an overwhelming desire to let him use you in any way he wants. Your body arching into him and your hips rolling desperately. Your submissive side blooming under his dominant tone.

You whimper and meet his eye, “fuck me, Bucky. Please.”

Your voice is soft and timid, nothing like the typical commanding confidence you have in your daily life, and it sends a thrill through Bucky. He latches onto your thighs and pushes them up toward your chest, exposing your cunt to him and he guides himself inside, moaning freely as your walls stretch to fit him.

“I’m never letting you go. My perfect, Angel.”

#Bucky Barnes x reader #fluffy bucky #fluffy bucky x reader #fluffy fic #smut #Bucky Barnes

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free--therapy · 3 years

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Dealing with Change on a Personal Level

"Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have—and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up."

– James Belasco and Ralph Stayer

Change is a scary thing for all of us. We get used to things being one way and have a hard time readjusting to things when they change for us unexpectedly. Unfortunately however, change is inevitable and unavoidable in life and it's up to us to adapt to the changes we have to endure. Change is one of those uncontrollable things that we wish wouldn't have to happen, but it's a lot easier to control how we react to the changes in our life, rather than trying to control the changes from happening themselves.

When it comes to being able to control ourselves though, it will likely include having to make personal changes that we may not like or feel comfortable with, but will likely have more of a positive impact in the long run than stressing ourselves over something we have no control over. Short-term pain for long-term gain. But how do we go about making these personal changes?

Stages of Change

Pre-Contemplation

While in this stage, we are usually not thinking seriously about trying to change anything and are not interested in having anyone help us out either. We tend to defend our current habits, even if we know they’re not good for us because it doesn’t really feel like a problem...yet. We can get defensive whenever someone tries to suggest we need to change, even if they’re being kind and loving towards us (it’s hard to tell someone we love that they need to change something about themselves!) We don’t focus our attention on quitting these habits and end up not even wanting to tell anyone about them because we know people will likely judge or criticize us and tell us we need to change. Usually in this stage, we are in denial of our problems or think we have the ability to fix them whenever we want to. Do you think you might be currently in this stage? Likely not if we are interested in understanding how change works, we’re looking to seek help, and are starting to wonder how we can implement the changes we know we need in our lives towards habits, problems, or behaviors we have that we know needs fixing. However, perhaps we were all at this stage at one point in our lives.

Contemplation

This is the stage where we are aware that we have problems that need fixing, and that there are personal consequences for them. We know we have a problem, we may spend a lot of time working towards acknowledging and accepting that we need help and need fixing, but we’re struggling with ambivalence towards making that leap. We tend to weigh out the pros and cons of starting to make a change by either quitting these habits or changing our behavior. Even though we weigh out the negatives of staying the way that we are and the positives of changing to become something better, we experience a lot of doubt that there’ll be any positive outcomes in the long run because we have to deal with some short-term pains or losses. It becomes hard to see how going through short-term pain could possibly lead to long-term gain and a lot of us believe and try to convince ourselves that we can’t see ourselves getting better or not believing that we can overcome the battle ahead of us. We fear failure before even trying.

It may take anywhere between a few weeks to a lifetime to get out of this phase though. It’s all about taking that leap of faith towards recovery and doing everything we can to make sure we make it out on the other side. Thankfully though, we are usually more open to learning more information about our bad habits and prefer to use educational interventions and self-reflection on how we feel concerning our bad habits, and eventually we make the leap! The idea is to hype ourselves up enough to take the plunge towards recovery (trust me, it’s so worth it!)

Preparation

This is also known as the Determination stage, and this is where we start making a commitment to change. Our motivation for changing can sound like telling ourselves, “Something’s gotta change!”, “I’ve got to do something about this.”, “This is serious, what can I do?” This stage becomes a “research” stage where we are now starting to explore all the small steps we can take towards helping ourselves and our problems. This is when we either seek help be it from other people, online research, find a mental health professional, read self-help books, go onto online forums, support groups, watch videos, and so on so we can hear from others as to how they embarked on their journey towards changing their lives.

This is a phase that shouldn’t be skipped however, but a lot of people tend to. Without getting the user manual and the tools needed, how will we know how to put something together? Education is important so we may gain the knowledge to make the change that we want for ourselves instead of falling flat on our face. When we attempt to do something without having all the tools at hand, we usually end up giving up on ever wanting to try again because we failed to realized we were not well-equipped to do so in the first place. The journey to healing and recovery is a long and rewarding one, requires a lot of self-patience, -love, and -compassion, but we have to make sure we’re fully aware of the commitment we have to make in order to commence.

Action

Also known as the Willpower stage, this is the stage where we believe we have the ability to change our behavior and are now taking the right steps to begin that change with a variety of techniques and skills we have learned from our preparation stage. This is considered to be the shortest stage of them all since the amount of time we spend in this stage can vary. It can be anywhere from 6 months, 1 hour, 2 weeks, etc. It’s a stage where we are expected to rely on our willpower. We end up making overt efforts to quit or change our behaviors and habits, and this is when we are most susceptible for relapsing.

We will have to mentally review our commitment to ourselves and try to develop plans to deal with internal and external pressures or temptations that can lead us down a slippery slope. We’ll use things like short-term rewards to help maintain motivation, we may analyze our behavior change efforts to enhance our self-confidence, and so forth. This is also where we are most open to receive help and support from others who are going through a similar thing, which is vital to our recovery journey. It helps to know we’re not the only ones going through what we’re going through and to seek out other people that have a lot of invaluable advice to offer to keep us motivated as well.

Maintenance

This stage is definitely where the work needs to last for the longest amount of time as it involves being able to successfully avoid temptations and pressure to return to our bad habits or behaviors. The goal is to maintain the new circumstances we’ve worked so hard to implement in the first place. We will have to continuously remind ourselves of the progress we’ve made. We also have to find new ways to reformulate the rules of our lives by either acquiring new skills or learning more about our behavior and psychology to deal with temptations in order to avoid relapsing. We will get to a point where we’re able to anticipate the situations in which a relapse could happen and prepare healthy coping skills in advance to deal with them if we end up slipping.

We have to remain aware that what we strive for is worthwhile to us on a personal level and has meaning. We have to learn to be patient and kind to ourselves, and recognize that it will take a while to let go of old behaviors and habits. We will have to come to an understanding that we need to continuously practice our new skills until they become as habitual as our old and negative ones were. Even though we may have thoughts of wanting to return to the old way of doing things because they feel comfortable and familiar, we will have to resist doing so and stay on track.

As we progress through our stages of changing, it’s helpful to always re-evaluate our progress as we move through each stage. It’s important for us to remember that it’s normal and natural to regress. Healing and recovery are not linear and some days we’ll have moments where we feel like we’ve gone back in our progress, but it’s not out of the ordinary. We need to be forgiving towards ourselves, being our cheerleader. At the end of the day, it’s up to us to make the changes we want for ourselves.

Relapse

Although this is everyone’s fear when it comes to recovery and making changes, it is not uncommon for anyone to relapse on their journey. It is a lot more common to have at least 1 relapse than to have none while on the road to healing, so we should take solace in knowing this because no one is perfect. Relapse is often accompanied by feelings of shame and discouragement because we believe we are failures and will never get better. While it is definitely a discouraging thing to go through, it’s important to note that there is always a positive way to look at failure. The majority of people who have been on the journey to healing will even tell you that it is not a straight path. There is always something to be learned from our moments of failure and it’s up to us to change our mindsets to see where we went wrong in order to avoid making the same mistake again. These people cycle through the 5 stages several times before being able to achieve a stable lifestyle change and it should be encouraging to know this. The Stages of Change diagram above considers relapsing to be a normal part of recovery. It’s up to us at the end of the day to be determined to pick ourselves up again when we fall and get back on that horse.

There is definitely a real risk that people who end up relapsing will experience an immediate sense of failure that ends up undermining their self-confidence. Remember that relapsing doesn’t have to be seen as failure since those habits have been so engrained in our minds that we can easily end up back there. We have to make sure that we encourage ourselves as well as others to see where we went wrong, where we were experiencing that moment of weakness, and how we can use it as an opportunity to learn how to cope differently and in a healthier way, strengthening those weaknesses. Relapses are important opportunities to learn and become stronger. We have to make sure that we don’t end up back in the Pre-Contemplation or Contemplation stages when this does happen, but rather restart back at Preparation, Action, or even the Maintenance stage.

With those who have relapsed, they will need to learn how to anticipate any high-risk situation that could possibly enable them to relapse more effectively, and control any external cues or environments that will tempt them to re-engage in those behaviors they’re trying to recover from. Doing so will give us a stronger sense of self-control on top of having the ability to get back on track.

Transcendence

This is the goal of where we all want to be. Eventually we will end up reaching a point where we’ll be able to regulate our emotions and understand our behavior/psychology in a way to see it in a new light. This is when our bad habits or behaviors no longer are integral to our life, along with knowing that returning back to that lifestyle would be seen as weird or abnormal to us. When we reach this stage in our process of changing, we will know that we have now transcended the old habit/behavior and that we are becoming a new person that no longer needs our old unhealthy coping mechanisms, skills, or behaviors to sustain us anymore. We have become successful in making that change we set out to do in the first place and know that if we can accomplish it for one thing, we can accomplish it for just about anything!

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sisterssafespace · 3 years

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السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

recently i’ve been struggling a lot. i was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bpd not too long ago now. but, i have been struggling so much with bearing it all? i haven’t told my family anything as i’ve told a few close friends. so, i cannot blame my family for the fact i’m very emotionally volatile. even though, i know i’m struggling i keep pushing people away & maybe it’s the embarrassment? the shame? that my anxiety attacks are coming back & they’re more frequent, more painful & so much easier to trigger now. i feel like i have this huge secret that i’m carrying around & it fills me with shame. i know mental health isn’t something to be ashamed of but, in a way i’m the one in my family who can do it all? so, the fact i’m struggling so much that i cry in my room a lot of the time whilst they all are chatting away fills me with sadness? i’ve never been close to my family so, it’s been this way for a long time. i’m very independent but to a fault even when i need help i won’t reach out to anyone. i know i have Allāh swt who will help me through anything & everything. but, i don’t know i feel overwhelmed i feel horrible every moment i’m alone my eyes tear up and i begin to cry because i’m hurting so much. sometimes the world feels so unbearable like i cannot go on any longer but then i remember [2:286]. sometimes, i feel as though i’m not cut of for this world it brings me so much pain & suffering. do not me wrong, i am blessed with so much but in my heart there is a lot of sadness & pain. i feel so weak the days are passing by & with each other my resolve to carry on gets weaker too. i have been referred to therapy & to take some medication but i have no time to go i have no will power to get up & seek treatment. it feels like i’m watching myself slowly wither away with each passing day. i try to make dhikr to distract myself but i end up having an anxiety attack because all i can think about is how i’m a bad muslim. that Allāh swt loves me so much He is putting me through these battles to strengthen me but, i cannot even handle them. i honestly see myself wishing that i could just disappear sometimes. - 🌊

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم،

قال الله تعالى في سورة القصص :

وَأَوْحَيْنَا إِلَىٰ أُمِّ مُوسَىٰ أَنْ أَرْضِعِيهِ ۖ فَإِذَا خِفْتِ عَلَيْهِ فَأَلْقِيهِ فِي الْيَمِّ وَلَا تَخَافِي وَلَا تَحْزَنِي ۖ إِنَّا رَادُّوهُ إِلَيْكِ وَجَاعِلُوهُ مِنَ الْمُرْسَلِينَ

We revealed this to Moses' mother: 'Suckle him, but when you fear for him cast him into the water. Neither fear, nor sorrow because We shall restore him to you and make him among the Messengers.'

[ Qur'an 28:7 ]

و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته 🌸

My dear sister, I started my answer with an ayah about one of my favorite stories in the Quran that is the story of how Musa (as)'s mother had to let him go as a newborn and throw him into the river (to save his life) because Allah swt told her (inspired her to do) so. This story is also mentioned in surat Ta Ha (20) - the surah that I love to call my anti-anxiety pill - but I chose this ayah from surat Al-Qasas for the precise words that Allah swt orders to Musa's mother :

ولا تخافي و لا تحزني | Do not fear nor sorrow (grieve)

The grammatical structure for these phrases is : Prohibition "النهي" which means that Allah swt orders you against doing that thing, it is not a request, it is not a piece of advice, it is actually stronger than that. It is prohibited that you give into your fear (i.e. anxiety) or fall into sorrow, saddness (i.e. depression). The same structure is used when Allah swt spoke to sayyidah Maryam (Mary as), when she was in labor and she was all alone, scared, confused, in pain, she even wished for death,

فَنَادَاهَا مِنْ تَحْتِهَا أَلَّا تَحْزَنِي

But (a voice) cried to her from beneath the (palm-tree): "Grieve not!"

[Quran 19:24]

I personally support and adapt the tafaseer that explain this as that Allah swt loves, appreciates and cares for the women and the girls of the believers so much that He swt prohibits them to feel sad or anxious. - But we will get back to this later in the answer, in shaa Allah.

Now let's go back to the beginning. I have 3 main ideas, let me bullet them not to forget anything:

1) The diagnosis: You said, my beautiful sister, that you were diagnosed not too long ago, with 3 mental health issues. So I take it a shrink/ psychiatrist diagnosed you. And then what? it is not enough to have a diagnosis, what is more important is to have a plan, i.e. therapy. It is important to identify the issue but it is more important to figure out how to deal with that issue. Sis, you need professional help. That ache in your heart and those worries, those thoughts in your mind they won't just disappear on their own. You need therapy. 🥺🥺. Which brings me to point number 2:

2) Asking for help: There is a story that I heard somewhere, a long time ago, but is so iconic that it stayed with me. One time this man's boat drowned. And he was fighting for his life in the middle of the ocean, and he asked God to save him, after a while a boat passed by and stopped for him, they wanted to rescue him but he said " no I don't need you, I have God, He will save me", so the boat moved on. And the man made duāa again and asked God to rescue him. After another while, another boat approach him, and they wanted to rescue him. Again, he declined and said " I have God, He will save me " so they went away. Eventually, the man got tired and couldn't do it anymore. He drowned. After he died, he asked God why didn't you save me? I was waiting for you to rescue you me.. and God said " who do you think was sending you the boats? " ..

Why am I telling you this story? I feel like you are doing the same as this man.

Sometimes people are a means that Allah swt puts in our way to save us! Yes, you are being all toughened up and 'strong' by trying to retrieve from people - even your own family - and not bother anyone with your issues, but you are actually doing more damage and more harm to yourself and to your loved ones this way. No good ever comes from passively sitting in a corner and isolating ourselves in our pain and suffering, especially to us girls, we are very social creatures who thrive and heal with compassionate, empathy, sharing, co-dependence (not in a negative sense), and solidarity. Half of the problem goes away just by talking about it. We immediately feel so much lighter after we have a good talk/ crying session with someone we love. By isolating yourself and drowning in your misery, you are going against your nature and that only amplifies your pain 💔🥺 So I am begging you, to take a step towards your support system, be it family, a cousin, friends, a teacher, a therapist.. you need help and you can't do this alone. Asking another human being to be there for you never means you trust Allah swt less or that Allah swt is not enough for you! On the contrary, maybe that person is fulfilling a purpose for the sake of Allah swt by being there for you. Allah swt has created us this way, there is no shame in asking for help I promise.

⚠️ ALSO OMG HIGHLY IMPORTANT THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS!

I don't know how much we have to deconstruct, how many walls we have to break down to set ourselves free from all the negative feelings that culture and the patriarchy installed in us since a very tender age, like shame, guilt, self-loathing.. it is A LOT, but we have to. There is no other way around it to free ourselves. And one last thing, my sweet sweet sweet sister, even if you think you can do it all, you can keep it all inside and put on a brave face and go on about your day while there is a battlefield in your head and a fire burning in your heart, you don't have to. Have mercy on yourself. Allah swt would never approve of this, you putting yourself through so much pain by refusing to seek help. And you wonder why your anxiety attacks are back! 💔🥺 which brings me to point 3:

3) Anxiety attacks: Are you sure they are anxiety attacks not panic attacks? How do you identify them? What are your symptoms? And how do you deal with them? How do you cope? See, beautiful sister, this is very very serious! You can't keep going like this and think " oh Allah swt is putting me thru this to make me stronger. " Umm actually, no, Allah swt is not putting you through this. He gave you this at the beginning yes, but He showed you the way, and you stubbornly refused! So now, you are putting yourself through this, my dear, and you do not deserve it!

Please do not take this with a rough note, I am using a very very soft tone, I promise. And also, lots of hugs and caresses 🥺❤️

I want you to promise me that you are going to consider my words, and seriously think of asking for help. For the sake of Allah, for the sake of yourself and your sanity. Remember, you do not own yourself, you do not own your soul, you do not own your body. It is all an amanah that we are responsible for keeping safe and sane until we return to Allah swt, and we are going to be held accountable for what we did with it. Allahu al'mustaān.

Looking forward to getting your updates!

May Allah swt sooth your pain and give you thr courage you need to ask for help. Ameen.

Fi Aman Allah.

- A. Z. 🍃

#sisterssafespace #tw depression #tw anxiety #mention of bpd #mental health

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kim-ruzek · 3 years

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How to make a marriage work

Summary: If you had told when she first met Hank Voight that one day she’d be going to him for relationship advice, Kim would’ve strongly recommended you get your head checked out.

Set sometime in season three; Kim needs advice on how to be married, and goes to one of the only people in her life who's had a successful marriage.

Word Count: 2.5k

Read on AO3

Notes: This is a gift for Cíara (@fighterkimburgess ). They put me in my parental feels and i just have this need to Reward and gift them things. I've had this idea for a while and never planned on writing it bc I never could make it work, and it's self indulgent and I couldn't work out how it'd fit with season three Voight (bc he's not on the level, say, season seven Voight is) but my mind is inspired today and it just worked.

But yes. This is self indulgent and bc I was in my dad! Voight feels and Cíara just has a remarkable and incredible way of saying things that one) inspires me and two) makes me understand the nuances of this man.

Plus y'know. We've got burzek being cute in this and that promo dictated I needed to write cute burzek.

Enjoy!!!

Come on, Kimberly. Kim tells herself, her inner voice taking on a firm, no nonsense tone that reminds her strongly of Platt’s. You’ve faced down guns, you can do this.

Her mind rebels against that sentiment, and she wonders if she was actually given the choice—to do this, or to face down yet another gun—if she’d choose the gun, depending how much she’s bricking it right now.

It’s just Voight, she thinks, taking a few more deep breaths. Of course, it’s not just Voight. Physically, yes, it’s just the Sargent. But it’s not just Voight, it’s her boss, it’s the man who holds everyone to such high professional standards, it’s Voight after hours, it’s an unscheduled meeting.

And, the thing that’s playing on her mind so much, the thing that has made her keep hesitating, it’s the man who looked over her for Intelligence because of his perceived understanding of Adam and her.

There’s a lot of reasons that makes Kim justified about trying to go up to Voight’s office and instead having false starts, turning back around to flee to the locker room before he could see her. Even if she’s fearless in the face of danger, she still has every right to be unsure about this.

After all, he is her boss. And he might care about those he’s in charge of, especially his unit and Kim likes to think it’s also to those close to them. Definitely Platt, but also herself and Roman. But he dictates when things are personal, and that’s so far and few between. He’s a man who plays everything close to the chest and there’s so many reasons that tells Kim that this isn’t something she should consider, that he’s probably just going to give her a look and dismiss her.

And Kim definitely will be risking whatever chance she has left of ever being offered a spot in intelligence.

All this is valid, and if anyone else knew of her plans, they’d agree that she’d be justified to just scrap this whole idea. But every day of this job is a lesson, and Kim has learnt a lot since starting. And she’s learnt a lot since Voight came in as their new Sargent—especially when Adam was hired.

Kim was passed over because Voight thought she was sleeping with Adam. And that hurt, hurt more than Kim thinks she’d ever be able to express in words.

But through that, Kim learnt things about herself. That she’s determined, and this is her dream, and that she can still succeed and achieve even when she’s passed over. And that she should just stick to what she’s doing, to prove herself, to show that everything she does, especially in her personal life, doesn’t affect what kind of cop she is.

A lesson that came in handy when she was shot, and he actually offered her the spot. That she knew she wanted to earn it in a different way, not just because she was shot.

Kim also learned something else. That this job may her everything, and that intelligence may be her dream, but there are some things that’s worth being flexible over.

That Adam is worth being flexible for.

The day they got together, Kim had already been passed over. And by dating Adam, she was risking it happening again, but she had learnt that she just needs to keep what she’s doing, showing she can be an uncompromised cop, even while dating in house. And that Adam, she wanted Adam so much that she wasn’t going to deprive herself of something that could be so good just for an opportunity she may never get.

And then she proved herself, even when dating Adam, and Kim knows her choice was right, even if she turned the promotion down.

And it was after then, even though she knows just how much intelligence is her dream, that she knew that Adam—being with him—is her dream, too. And Kim has no control, not really, over her intelligence dream. All she can do is keep being a good cop, and hoping that it pays off. But she has control over her and Adam, about the dream she has for them, of making sure the ring on her finger actually means something.

That lesson, perhaps, was the most important one for her to learn. Jobs come and go, even something as amazing as intelligence. Kim wants to one day be something higher than a detective, so she may have to leave intelligence anyway, and there’s more units and good positions in the cpd to be in, even if intelligence is her dream.

But soulmates? That person who just gets you, that person you love with your whole heart? That’s one in a lifetime, and that’s who Adam is. Adam is her love and who knows what her future, job wise, holds, but Kim knows that Adam is her future.

Knows that she wants Adam to be her future, wants the life they are trying so hard to get, even if things are tough right now.

Kim can feel that future slip away. She can feel it in any slightly edged remark they exchange, can feel it in how they keep pushing off the wedding planning, can feel it in how sometimes she’s so reluctant to go home.

And she doesn’t want it to slip away. She wants Adam. She wants him to be hers for the rest of her life, for them to grow old together. She wants to be his bride, his wife, the mother of his kids. She wants all this, but she’s been feeling like she’s scrabbling against a flat wall, unable to climb over. Like she knows what’s on the other side, a happy life, but she doesn’t know how to get there.

And Kim wants to know. And Voight— Voight is the answer to that.

If you had told when she first met Hank Voight that one day she’d be going to him for relationship advice, Kim would’ve strongly recommended you get your head checked out. Her Sargent is a tough man, who so very rarely shows his softer side.

Kim might even doubt he has one, if it wasn’t for those two times in the hospital, when Zoey was critical and when she was shot.

But things are spiralling, spiralling in a way she does not want them to spiral, in her and Adam’s relationship and she doesn’t know how to stop it. Kim doesn’t think they need relationship counselling—they’re not that messy, not to her—but she needs advice.

It was a realisation that came to her one late night. Adam’s arm was wrapped around her waist, him snoring softly next to her and if she closed her eyes, she could almost forget the epic fight they had not five minutes before bed.

Although, Kim wonders, can it even be a fight, not to mention able to be described as epic, if it was done in hushed whispers? Olinsky and his daughter were in their living room, so they used muted tones, but the words were biting, almost more than any of their other fights ever were.

It was in this realisation that Kim also realised that she doesn’t exactly know anyone with a thriving and successful marriage. Anyone she went to school with who is married doesn’t have the same relationship and life dynamics as she does, and Kim’s socialisation tends to just be limited to those she works with or the other first responders.

And first responders have such tough jobs, and such because of the nature of it, relationships aren’t exactly the most successful thing about their lives.

The only person her age who Kim could think of who had a successful marriage is Natalie, but she’s just met the doctor and asking a grieving widow—no matter how long you’ve known them—the secrets to a successful marriage is just cruel.

Olinsky has been married a long time, even despite everything, him and Meredith are only separated. But the very act of them being separated perhaps disqualifies him from being someone to seek marriage advice from. Especially as, from what Kim has gathered, they seemed to have a flawed relationship anyway, despite being in love.

There’s always Herrmann, of course. But while Kim gets along with the man, the thought of asking him this felt too personal. And she wasn’t sure if he’d be much help. He has a very successful marriage, and his job is tough like hers, but the dynamics just didn’t feel right for who she wants advice from. Adam and her, they’re stubborn and closed off and they need a guide like that.

Platt has a successful relationship, but she’s already someone Kim goes to. A great help, even if Kim ends up getting more information than she wishes for, but she needs a second pair of eyes and a fresh perspective.

And finally, Antonio. Antonio has been a great help to her when it comes to the job, but he’s divorced and Kim’s not sure if he’d be the best person to go to.

Which just leaves Voight. And as far as Kim knows, Voight’s the only one in their circle who’s had a successful marriage.

Of course, Voight doesn’t like personal talk. And Kim rather gets the impression that only a small handful of people gets to see Voight talking about his wife, especially as he’s a widow. But she has to try.

Taking a deep breath, Kim heads out the locker room and towards the bullpen—towards Voight’s office. It’s after hours and everyone is home or on a stakeout, and Voight’s doing paperwork. Kim had texted Adam saying she’ll be late home, not telling him it’s because she’s going to his boss for relationship advice.

Kim hesitates before she knocks on his office door, and she nearly runs away-- again—but then Voight looks up at that moment, their eyes locking.

Well, she thinks, here goes nothing.

Kim raps lightly on the door, Voight still watching her, curiously, as she does so. He waves her in before she even finished her tap and she opens the door cautiously, offering him a half smile.

“Burgess.” He gives her a nod. “Shouldn’t you be home by now?”

“Yeah. I just—I wanted to ask you something, if that’s alright? If you’re busy I can go—” Kim tells him. There’s half a second pause, but then Voight’s waving at the seat in front of his desk, telling her to sit down. She does.

“If it’s about intelligence, I don’t have room.” Voight says before she can start and Kim’s certain that she turns red, cringing at the thought that he might think of her that desperate.

“No, it’s nothing about that. It’s well, uh,” She really didn’t think this through, and she wishes she thought more about how to ask him. Voight just raises his eyebrows, leaning back slightly, waiting for her to finish.

“Well, you were married, right? And you know that Adam and I...well you know. And I just want to know—well, how? How did you do it? We see so much and we all have our own issues on top of that and I just. I don’t know how to make a marriage work.” Saying the words out loud makes it hit Kim, makes the reality so much more real, and her heart twists. Twists that she can’t believe in them, that she needs help to do something she should already know how to do. Twists at how much just admitting this has lifted a weight of her shoulders, showing just how bad she is at this.

Surprise is written all over Voight’s face; he had clearly not expected this to be what she was going to say. It feels like eternity, Voight just looking at her, before he speaks.

“Camille—my wife—is to thank for that.” He begins, leaning forward, looking serious but with a softness to his expression. “She was... An angel. Patient but firm, and she didn’t take any shit and no work excuses.”

There’s another pause, and Kim waits patiently, just glad that he didn’t just dismiss her, or tell her that she had no business even asking.

“I was wrong, to judge you and Ruzek. You’re both professionals and I can see you’re well suited to each other. My Camille was a romantic, and I think she would’ve been quite taken with the pair of you—and please, take that as a compliment. I don’t think she would’ve liked Erin with Halstead. Me, I’m not so much of one, just do your work and I’m good. So I won’t be much help,” Kim gets it, understands, but she can’t help but feel deflated at that.

“But,” Voight continues before she can stand up to go. “You’re good police, Burgess. Both you and Ruzek are. I’ll tell you some things my Camille taught me, and I hope that it helps.”

It doesn’t take long for Voight to say all he had to say, him saying everything very manner of fact in that way of his, but Kim appreciates the gesture for what it is. That this is Voight showing his belief in her—in Adam, too—and that means just as much as Voight sharing this with her.

Kim thinks that Camille must’ve been a wonderful woman, thinking about how Voight’s lips turned up slightly, his eyes lighting up that little bit more, as he repeated what his wife had taught him to her. And a wise woman, she thinks, as his words replays in her mind as she heads home, feeling more certain and confident in her relationship, in the future of her relationship, than she ever has been.

“Hey,” Kim immediately greets Adam with warmth in her voice when she gets home, wrapping her arms around him, cuddling into his body. She doesn’t miss the lookout surprise on his face, however, or how it quickly fades, him wrapping his arms around her tight and sighing contently.

“Hey, darlin’. Where have you been?” He asks, kissing the top of her head.

“Just had to finish some stuff up at work.” Kim answers, talking into him as she still cuddles to him.

“Hm? Anything important?”

“Nothing that’s more important than being with you,” Kim answers truthfully, Voight’s words ringing around her head. She then tilts her head up, still in his arms, so she could look at him. “I was thinking. About us getting our own place? Since we can’t decide right now, I’m just going to move in with you. Living together is more important to me then where we’re living.”

“Darlin’ no, I want to give you what you want. We’ll find a place,” Adam shakes his head and Kim steals a quick kiss before continuing.

“I know we will. I’m not saying to stop looking, just. I want to actually live in one place, so until we do, I’m ending my lease and moving in here, properly.” Kim explains.

“Well, I have no complaints about that,” Adam grins, kissing her. “What made you decide this?”

“Just got reminded about what’s really important. And that’s us. Not where we live, or when we get married or anything. Just me and you and our love.” Kim answers, smiling up at him, her smile only grinning as she sees the affect her words have on him.

“I love you, darlin’,”

“I love you, too. Now, to what’s actually important right now—you, lifting me up and taking me to bed, right this second. I need you to fuck me, future husband.” Kim says, watching as Adam’s eyes darken, him gripping her tighter.

“Your wish is my command, future Mrs Ruzek,”

#burzek #kim burgess #hank voight #adam ruzek #kim burgess x adam ruzek #chicago pd #chicago pd fanfiction #ree writes #ree's.writing

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sugarmaplewings-fics · 4 years

Text

Midoriya Comfort HCs

Pairing: Midoriya (Deku) x reader

Warnings: Mentions/the concept/symptoms of depression, otherwise none

Request: Hi, sugar! i just wanted to tell you how much i adore your fics. everything about them is truly outstanding, from your choice of words to the ideas you come up with. might i add, your ability to write the characters so well and immerse someone in the story are amazing and i hope that you’re very proud of what you’ve brought to the fandom! you’re one of my favourite writers on here! would it be possible for you to write comfort hcs for izuku w/ a reader who’s a victim of depression, or even if you aren’t comfortable with that, just for bad days? i’ve been feeling a lot worse than usual and it’s all crumbled for me, so i’m just seeking comfort from my best boy. - anon neo

A/N: I’m sobbing??? I’m one of your favorites??! This is literally some of the nicest stuff anyone has ever said to me?? Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! I’m so glad people actually like this stuff I make!

And I’m always chill with doing anxious or depressed reader, since it’s something I (sadly) relate to myself and therefore feel pretty comfortable portraying it the best I can. I tried to get these out and done as fast as I could, but I hope you’re feeling better!

I promise you, you can get through this. I believe in you. If you ever need to chat, I'm always open (this goes for everyone). I really enjoyed writing these and loved your request. No worries, I got you!

Anyway, I hope you and everyone else likes them (as always)! Thanks again so much for your kind words, they really keep me going <3

Love you!

-Sugar

═══*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═══

Ever since you started dating, Izuku pays a lot of attention to you and how you’re feeling, whether he’s subtle about it or not

So when you start spiraling into a bad place, he’ll notice pretty quickly

He’ll immediately ask you what’s wrong, remembering and still regretting the choices he’d made when he knew something was up with Iida

He’s a little sad when you explain you have depression, but he won’t be swayed. Far from it. This boy is determined to be the best boyfriend he can be for you, no matter what!

He’ll do some research before making too many moves. The idea of the big sad isn’t completely foreign to him, but he wants to make sure he’s doing everything right

Izuku would go over all the little notes he’d taken on you, making a habit of jotting down anything you like

Once he’s made a bit of a plan for himself and gathered everything up, you can expect a Deku-bomb of everything you like and it’s all just for you!

You like food? He’ll buy you your favorites and treat you with them when he storms your room. Into more outdoorsy or sporty activities? He’ll gently ask you if you’re up for getting outside and doing them. He’ll even invite your friends! You like books? He’ll pick up that novel you’ve been eyeing since it came out. The list goes on. He’d do anything to bring a smile to your face

So anyway, as I said, he’d storm your room with everything he could find that he thought might help, ready to dedicate the entire afternoon and evening to you

He’d ask if there was anything you needed to talk about. He’s really good at listening if you decide there is something you need to rant about. He’s not too bad with advice either!

If you decide not to talk about it, or maybe there’s nothing to talk about and you just feel a little blah, he’ll take out whatever lil’ something he got you

At this point, he’d do whatever you want to do, whether it’s playing a video game or going out for a walk or watching your favorite movie

And whenever you want, Izuku is always down to cuddle (hehehe my favorite part!)

He’ll scour both his and your rooms to find every blanket he can, coming back to wrap you up into a little fuzzy burrito

He’ll pull you into bed and spoon you, but not before pressing kisses over every available surface of your face and the top of your head

He’ll hug you into him from behind, draping a leg over you and resting his head above yours. This is also a good time to do any kind of ranting or talking, and if you ever feel the need to cry, you’re more than able to!

If you cry tho, Izuku might cry too. He’s very in touch with his emotions and seeing you cry will never fail to make him tear up too. That’s just the kind of person he is

He’ll remind you of how much he loves you and murmurs words of support and encouragement in your ear. There is hope for the future, and things won’t always be like this. He’s not afraid to start listing everything he loves about you, and trust me when I say this, he could go on and on. He has notes. He thinks about this every day

Whenever you get too hot in your burrito blanket, you can always climb out. But now this means that all your kissable surfaces are exposed!

If all his efforts to make you smile before had failed, this is the last straw.

He’ll start a tickle war, pulling you back in to kiss you anywhere he can reach; your cheeks, your neck, your belly. There’s nothing suggestive behind it, he just wants you to know how loved you are by him

Once you’re done, he’ll let you nuzzle back into him for some much needed sleep. He’s spending the night with you, and there really isn’t much you can do about that

Even after your evening together is over, he won’t stop checking in on you to make sure you’re okay. He’ll do cuddle sessions, movie nights, walks in the park, anything, any time, as long as he knows he’s making a difference in making you feel better, even if it’s just a little

He’ll check in to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. You best be sure you’re eating your meals and drinking plenty of water. He’ll even bring you some if you’re not up for leaving your room

Guilty of never getting enough sleep? He’ll poke his head in to see if you’re still awake, and if you are, he’ll gladly tug you into bed and hold you until you’ve slipped off to the feeling of his hands running through your hair

Get too much sleep? He’ll make sure to invite you to things he’s doing to get you out of the house, or even take you on dates with just the two of you to keep you active and occupied

I know that I’m guilty of not showering when I hit a slump, so he’ll make sure to remind you to do that (if ya need it. no shame). He’d even make sure you were changing out and washing your clothes and sheets, happy to help you if you’re not up for it

If you need help picking up your room or washing dishes and the like, he’s prepped to help you there too. Better make sure you’re changing your clothes too, now. AT LEAST HAVE DAY PAJAMAS AND NIGHT PAJAMAS I--

My depression tends to come in waves (or as I like to call them; Sad Bitch Hours™), so if that’s the case for you, he’ll help you until you feel better and a little more like yourself again

Izuku will never leave your side no matter what because that’s just how much he loves you. He has faith in you that you are strong enough to fight the issues and the hurt and the pain plaguing you, and by all means he will support you until the worst is over

A/N: Every time I write one of these, I feel like I’m doing one of those “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie--” books, except this one is more like “If (Y/N) Has Depression--”

Again, I truly hope that this can be some help for people who are struggling. I know that I am little more than an internet hermit, literally writing this in the darkness of my bedroom at 2 AM, but if I can bring even a touch of happiness, then my purpose will be fulfilled. I believe wholeheartedly that you can get through whatever may be going on in your life. In these past few years, I've been through a lot myself, but with a determined mindset and some professional help, I can say that I am doing so much better than I was.

Remember that you can't compare your progress to others. Healing takes time and patience and love, and simply remembering to be kind to yourself is the first step to steady recovery. I want you to know that I believe in you and that you matter. You matter so so so much. Every day, you change the world. There are people who love you (if you can't think of anyone, I'm here! Izuku loves you too, along with any other F/Os you may hold). I don't want to get too into this, but just remember that my inbox and DMs are always open. I'm not going to claim to be some sort of licensed therapist or mental health prodigy, but I'm a good listener and sometimes might offer decent advice. If you ever need a friend, I will be here to talk or rant to, and it would make me happy to see if someone reached out. You're not a burden, and your feelings are real and deserve to be confronted. No matter where you are in your journey, you're valid.

Sorry if this was a bit long, but I just wanted to say that you're important and people do care about you.

I wish you well and beautiful mornings,

-Sugar

Taglist: @basicaegyo @iiminibattlehero @pyrofanatic @sokkasangel @xoxopam4

#izuku midoriya #midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya imagine #deku imagine #midoriya x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #deku x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader #reader insert #request fulfilled #anon neo #sugar hcs

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ladyfogg · 3 years

Text

May I? - 26/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she’s truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

Screenshot courtesy of @geekygwen

Faith hadn’t realized how much her duties had weighed on her until Data asked her to take shore leave. She knew that he wouldn’t have broached the subject if he wasn’t concerned. She had tried to throw herself more into her work. Geordi and Captain Picard believed she was capable enough to handle the responsibilities that came with her promotion to lieutenant, and she didn’t want to disappoint them.

Without realizing it, she had thrown herself completely into her work without thinking of anything else. Foolishly, she thought if she could just push through the exhaustion and anxiety, it would all get better. She had been wrong.

It didn’t help that the idea of taking a break and leaving the ship behind sent her into a nervous spiral.

After weeks of this behavior, Data had walked her to sickbay himself, where she was given a full physical by Dr. Crusher. The results were unsurprising: exhaustion. True, literal, physical exhaustion.

She was immediately put on leave and ordered to rest.

It was only then that she agreed to take a vacation. Data put in their official shore leave requests that same day. Commander Riker approved it within the hour, stating, “What took you so damn long?”

Now that the time had come, Faith found herself just as nervous as she was before. But she was determined to work through it, to take the advice from her doctor, counselor, and boyfriend. So, she had to let her anxieties go and prepare for the first vacation she'd had in years.

Data had offered to plan their time away and she let him, not only because she had no clue where to start, but because she knew he enjoyed making plans for them.

“Are you at least feeling some excitement?” Deanna asked during Faith’s therapy.

Given Faith’s current mental state, they had upped their number of sessions to twice a week. She currently sat in Deanna’s office, foot nervously bouncing. Per her request, Deanna had agreed to see her the day of their departure for one final pep talk.

“I’ve been trying really hard. It’s been difficult,” Faith said. “I know Data is looking forward to it and I don’t want to ruin his fun like I ruined his romantic date a few weeks ago.”

“Faith, I don’t believe you ruined anything. Considering that evening led to some very powerful confessions from the both of you.”

Faith smiled softly, remembering the way Data had told her he loved her. They had repeated the words to each other several times since it happened, and each time made her just as warm and elated as the first.

“I still have a hard time believing it myself,” she said.

Deanna smiled back. “I don’t. It was obvious that the feelings between you two were progressing. I always felt as though Data had some emotional capabilities long before his first angry outburst. As an outsider, it’s been wonderful to watch your relationship develop and to see the love growing between you two shared out in the open.”

“Thank you, Counselor.”

“Are you still uneasy discussing the intimate nature of your relationship?” Deanna asked. “Not that I want to pry. I just want you to know that should you wish to discuss those particular feelings, I am a professional and ready to listen.”

Faith smirked. “Sure that’s the counselor part of you talking or the friend part of you?”

Deanna giggled. “A little of both.”

Faith could feel her cheeks flush at the thought of her sexual relationship with Data. “All I will say is, his flawless precision and attention to detail translate very well into the bedroom.”

Deanna’s grin widened even though Faith could tell she was trying to keep her composure and demeanor professional. “Well, I am happy to hear that you feel comfortable enough with me to share such information.”

“After our vacation, let’s have a girls' night with Beverly and I’ll share more. Sound good?”

“I’ll hold you to that! So if there’s nothing else you wish to talk about, it is my duty as your counselor and superior officer to order you to enjoy your shore leave. Leave your problems behind. And enjoy much-needed alone time with your love.”

“I’ll try.”

Deanna gave her a big hug before she left. “You’ll do great. Just focus on a certain android’s attention to detail.”

That made Faith laugh and she hugged Deanna back. “Will do.”

On her way back to her quarters, Faith couldn’t help but stop by Engineering. She hadn’t been there in a few days and it was instinct to make sure everything was set before she let. Deep down, what she truly wanted to do was see if Geordi was somehow annoyed with her for not being on duty. The fear of disappointing authority figures in her life was as strong as ever. But she was working on it.

When she arrived, Geordi was as busy as always but paused when he saw her. “Diaz, what are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to stop by and see if you needed anything.”

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready to take your shore leave?”

Faith felt embarrassed for feeling like she needed reassurance from someone who was pretty much the same age as she was. “Well, yeah but, I still have some time. If there’s something you need me to take care of before I go…”

Geordi chuckled. “Everything is under control, Faith,” he assured her before she could continue babbling.

“Oh, okay. Great. Good. Sorry. I know I haven’t been my best lately. I just figured I’d offer my help just in case.”

Geordi studied her for a moment before putting his PADD down and giving her his full attention. “Faith,” he said, his voice in a soft yet serious tone. “You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m not doing to demote you because you need a break.”

A weight she hadn’t realized she carried lifted slightly and she realized how foolish she was being. “No, I know that. I didn’t think you would. At least, I hoped you wouldn’t.”

“Everyone needs a break from time to time,” Geordi said. “I’m taking my leave when you come back. No one can be ‘on’ all the time. I don’t expect it for myself nor the people I command. You’ve done exceptional work and have earned your title. Please don’t work yourself to death on my or anyone else’s account. You’ve more than earned your time off. Go. Enjoy it.”

Faith hesitated. “Are you sure?” she couldn’t help but ask.

Geordi laughed and placed his hands on her shoulders so he could look at her directly. “Diaz, go on vacation. That’s an order.”

With that, her turned her around and gave her a light shove towards the turbo-lift. Getting the message loud and clear, Faith allowed the movement and followed through. When she returned to her and Data’s quarters, the android was waiting patiently.

“Ah, Faith, there you are. We should be arriving at Tridas 6S in one hour. Are you prepared for our departure?”

“As prepared as I’ll ever be.”

She had already packed and repacked their belongings. Thankfully with replicators available at their destination they didn’t need to pack much. Spot had been fed and Barclay would be looking after her for the length of their vacation. With nothing left to do, she took a seat on the sofa and began her breathing exercises.

Data sat with her. “I believe once we are at the hotel, you will feel much better. I have chosen a location that offers isolation for those who desire, yet still has amenities for us to partake.”

The idea of peace and quiet with Data did make her feel better. “That sounds nice,” she said.

“I hope you will enjoy yourself.”

“I’ll try. I really will.”

“I will be with you the entire time.”

Wrapping her arms around him, she crawled into his lap and rested her head against his shoulder. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“I could list suggestions but I do not believe that is what you desire.”

Faith laughed. “No, no it’s not. I just wanted to let you know how much you’re appreciated.”

“Thank you. Would you like to rest here until it is time to go?”

“I would like that very much.”

They stayed snuggled together on the sofa until they were alerted to the ship’s arrival. Data and Faith weren’t the only ones disembarking. Others were taking shore leave on the planet, though Data and Faith were vacationing on a less busy side.

Before she knew it, she and Data were called to the transporter for their departure. Data took their bag in one hand and held Faith’s hand with the other. She clutched it tightly, giving herself an internal pep talk before they left their quarters.

Along the route, they ran into Captain Picard and Commander Riker.

“Ah, Data, Ms. Diaz,” Picard said. “On your way to Tridas?”

“That is correct,” Data said. “We will be vacationing at the Triple Seashore Cabins, off the coast of Sunterre Isles.”

“A nice quiet romantic spot,” Riker said with a knowing smirk. “Perfect place to be alone.”

Picard raised his eyebrow in amusement but let the comment slide. “I hope you both enjoy your well-deserved shore leave,” he said.

“Thank you, Captain,” Data said. “Is there anything you require before we leave?”

“No, not at all. Have a good time.”

Faith offered a smile and a nod. She didn’t say anything, not trusting herself to speak after her babbling incident in Engineering. Truth be told, she was plagued with nausea from her anxiety, her stomach rolling with each step towards the transporter room.

Chief O’Brien stood at the controls and smiled at them as they entered. “Coordinates have been entered and the transporter pad is ready when you are, Commander.”

“Thank you, Chief.”

O’Brien looked over at Faith. “You alright, Diaz?”

She took a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine.”

“I remember my first time taking shore leave after a promotion. Trust me, a lot of us have felt the way you’re feeling now.”

In the past, she would have felt like he was just trying to be nice. But her work with Counselor Troi had made her come to understand that many people did in fact feel the way she did and she appreciated his attempt to calm her nerves. “Thanks, Chief. It really is hard to tear yourself away from work, isn’t it?”

“Enjoy it,” O’Brien said with a reassuring nod. “Should be a smooth transport. Nothing to worry about. I’ll drop you right in the lobby of the hotel.”

Faith nodded and followed Data onto the transporter. With his strong hand in hers and smile, some of her anxiety wane.

“Energize,” she said.

She felt the tug of the transporter and the next thing she knew, there were standing in the small lobby of a comfortable-looking building. While the architecture was alien, the warm colors reminded her of many of the places she had been to on Earth. The knot of emotion in her stomach was still there but she was able to let out a slow exhale.

“You are doing quite well,” Data assured her, leading her to one of the many kiosks that stood off to the side. “Let us check-in and settle into our cabin. We are here for seven days. We can take our time.”

“Thank you for your patience,” Faith said. “And for planning all this.”

“You are welcome.”

Data checked them in and the two of them followed the floor markers through the hotel and out one of the back doors. When Faith saw the view, it took her breath away.

While she had done her research on the planet and where they would be staying, it hadn’t prepared her for the stunning ocean view. The building they had left sat atop a hill, which overlooked three distinct shores and stretches of white sandy beaches. His program on the holodeck was nothing compared to the real thing. The smell of saltwater invaded her nostrils and a warm breeze ruffled her hair. Her whole body relaxed as the sun, real sun, hit her face. Actually, there were two suns when she managed to glance up with her eyes shielded.

Data noticed the change immediately. “I was hoping a tropical setting would act as a reminder of where your family came from. I know you expressed the desire to return there at some point. As we are far from Earth, I thought this would be a close alternative.”

“Data, it’s perfect.”

She slipped her arm around his waist as he slipped his around her shoulders. Together they walked for some time until they found the cabin that would be their home for the next two weeks.

After spending so much time on the ship, listening to the hum of Engineering and conversations of her fellow crewmates, Faith appreciated the crashing waves.

Their cabin was a small wooden building, surrounded by numerous kinds of vegetation and a deck that jutted out towards the shore. The ocean was only a few feet away and Faith imagined when the tide came in, the water could easily reach the steps.

“Do you like it?” Data asked as they walked up onto the deck.

“I love it.” She leaned on the railing, unable to stop staring at the gorgeous view.

Data placed their suitcase inside before coming to stand with her. He took her hand and they admired the stretch of beach before them.

“What do you wish to do first?” he asked. “Are you hungry? You did not eat much at breakfast.”

“I just want to stand here and watch the waves with you.”

Data smiled softly and remained where he was, holding Faith’s hand as they admired the view. That only lasted a few minutes because then Faith’s stomach rumbled, making her chuckle.

“I guess you were right. I am hungry. Where’s a place to get a meal around here?”

“We do not have to leave the cabin. There is a replicator inside. What would you like?”

“How about a picnic? We can spread a blanket out on the sand.”

“If you wish.”

As he went to gather what they would need, Faith kicked out of her shoes and stepped onto the white sand. It was warm and pliable underneath her feet as she walked towards the water’s edge. She closed her eyes and surrendered to the sensations.

She hadn’t realized how much she missed being near the ocean until that moment. It had been far too many years since she found herself on a real beach.

Behind her, Data’s footsteps approached. She turned to find him carrying a picnic basket with a blanket tucked under his arm. Together they laid out the blanket and Faith made herself comfortable while Data unpacked their food.

She recognized many of her favorites, snacks that she tended to eat when she didn’t want to have a full meal. Berries, cheese, crackers, assorted nuts, and a thermos filled with a smoothie that seemed to be made from the exotic fruits native to the planet. “This is wonderful,” she said with a smile. “I didn’t realize how much I needed this until I was here.”

“I must admit, I too did not realize I needed a change of scenery. Though I do not require rest, a respite from one’s work is important.”

Faith found herself glancing around on more than one occasion. For some reason, she felt like they were never truly alone. Maybe it was just her anxiety, or maybe it was because she was so used to their fellow crewmates. Either way, try as she might, she could never fully relax.

Data noticed. “Faith, I have scanned the area and our nearest neighbors are some distance. We have this stretch of beach to ourselves.”

She exhaled slowly. “Good to know.” As she reached for a piece of fruit, she snuggled up against Data.

He wound his arm around her and held her close while she ate. She didn’t have much, only enough to settle her rumbling stomach. Once she grew accustomed to her surroundings and felt Data’s familiar embrace, more of the tension left her until she was finally comfortable.

With a sigh, she closed her eyes and rested her head against Data’s shoulder.

“Faith, what would you like to do once you leave Starfleet?” he asked after they had enjoyed the silence for some time.

“You mean when I retire?”

“Retire or leave for something else.”

Faith considered his question for a moment, opening her eyes so she could watch the waves. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “At least, nothing specific. I think I’d like this. I’d like to be somewhere quiet, watching and listening to the waves.”

“I have always thought I might return to the academy later in my life, possibly to teach. But now…” It was so rare for Data not to finish his thought, at least with her.

When he didn’t continue, she gave him a questioning look. “Is that not something you want anymore?”

“I do not. The academy is not located on the beach.”

Faith smiled and leaned towards him. They shared a kiss before she drew back with a mischievous grin.

“Can you swim?” she asked.

“At first, I was unequipped to tread water but once this flaw was detected, Geordi and I made modifications to protect my circuits. I can also act as a floating device.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“Yes.”

“Great.” Faith rose to her feet.

After a moment of contemplation, she decided to push the rest of her anxiety aside and started to strip.

At first, Data did not notice as he stood. “I believe the replicator can construct swimwear…” He paused when he realized Faith was getting naked. “Or we can swim nude.”

“You said our neighbors are far, right? And you will know if anyone comes close?”

“That is correct.”

Faith threw her shirt at him and gave him a playful smile. “So, let’s swim, android-boy.”

Data watched with wide eyes as Faith walked towards the water, fully naked. Which each step, any pesky lingering anxieties were gone, and when she finally felt the ocean wash over her feet, it was like her entire being breathed a sigh of relief.

She glanced back over her shoulder to see Data removing his clothes and carefully folding them. With an affectionate smile, Faith waited until he gently placed them on the blanket before he joined her.

Grinning, Faith pulled him with her as she ran into the next wave, allowing herself to get swept up in the water. It was so warm, it was almost like a bath and felt absolutely heavenly. Data remained perfectly still as the waves washed over him, dousing him completely.

Faith laughed at his lack of reaction. He gave her a puzzled look.

“Did I do something humorous?” he asked.

Faith pulled them deeper into the water until it was chest-high. “Only you can be washed up in waves and look completely unperturbed.”

“I was not aware I should be.”

“You don’t have to. Sometimes I forget how strong you are and that things like waves can’t push you over.” She swam in circles around him. “Have you tried splashing around?”

“No.”

Faith smirked and when the next wave came, she splashed it at Data, hitting him in the face. He blinked.

“I see.”

The next thing she knew, a huge wave came at her, sending her crashing backward under the water. When she came up spitting and coughing. Data was there immediately.

“Was that too much?” he asked.

When she could breathe properly, Faith began to laugh. “Just a little bit,” she said, still lightly coughing seawater in between her laugher. “Maybe we should stick to just enjoying each other’s company.”

She wrapped her arms and legs around him in a hug.

“While I do still have much to learn about human behavior, I can report that when it comes to our romantic interactions, I have developed some skill,” Data said, his arms automatically slipping around her waist.

“Data, you’re wonderful. You always say that you’re not human but through our relationship, you’ve helped me realize that I was barely human myself. At least, I didn’t see myself as such. You’ve always seen the best in me and helped me see it too.”

“I only spoke the truth.”

Faith hugged him close, their foreheads touching. “And it means the world to me.”

She kissed him deeply. Surrounded by the warmth of the ocean and the heat of Data’s embrace, she felt as secure as she had on the ship.

They swam for some time until the suns started to set and the air grew colder. Only then did they return to shore, gather the remnants of their picnic, and head inside.

While Faith showered, she found herself smiling, her body already feeling less tense by the minute. Why had she waited so long? Now that she had distance between herself and her duties, she could see why her friends were concerned. Up until the point Beverly examined her, she had been sure her feelings were all in her head. It turned out that was only partially true. The anxiety was in her head, the physical toll it had taken was very real. She had worked herself to the point of literal exhaustion and would have kept going if Data hadn’t intervened.

Speaking of her beautiful android boy, he was dressed in civilian clothing when she emerged, something she rarely witnessed. She was so used to him being in uniform or naked. To see him sitting there in gray pants and a blue shirt felt strange. She realized this was another side of Data she hadn’t seen before, one he himself probably hadn’t partaken in. The relaxed, leisure side was also an important staple of being human.

“We’ve talked about how I’m feeling but how are you doing?” she asked, sinking into the squishy sofa next to him. “Is this your first shore leave?”

“I have taken shore leave before,” Data said. “To attend conferences and symposiums. This is my first recreational shore leave.”

“And? What do you think so far?”

Data cocked his head, contemplating her question. “It certainly is different. When we left the Enterprise, I made it a point to halt all background processes having to do with Starfleet-related functions. I also wrote a vacation subroutine based on research I have done on what one does to ‘relax’.”

Faith picked up one of the glasses of wine that sat on the small round table in front of them. “I wish I could write a subroutine in my brain. It’d make things a heck of a lot easier.”

“I once spoke with Counselor Troi on the subject and she explained that when humans repeat certain behaviors, it is the equivalent of how I construct my programming.”

“Meaning if I want to relax I should try to do it more.”

“Correct.”

Faith chuckled and took a sip of wine, only to realize it was not synthehol. She sputtered and coughed, unprepared for the robust flavors of real alcohol.

“Are you alright?” Data asked. “I was assured this vintage was special.”

“Y-yes. I’m fine, I just wasn’t prepared for real wine. Where did you get it?”

“It was a gift from Captain Picard. He said it was from his family’s vineyard on Earth.”

Faith had no idea Captain Picard’s family owned a vineyard, which wasn’t surprising considering she didn’t spend much time with him. There was very little she knew of the Captain’s personal life.

Now that she was prepared, the next sip was delicious. “That’s so nice of him to share this with you.”

Data smiled. “Shared this with us,” he corrected. “He gave it to me when I informed him of our shore leave.”

She smiled softly. “That makes it even more special.” She held up her glass for a toast. Data followed through, tapping his glass to hers before they took a sip together.

Once they did, Data put his glass down and stood. On the wall panel, he pressed a series of buttons, and then the cabin was filled with soft music. Data offered his hand to Faith.

She graciously accepted.

As they slowly danced, Faith rested her cheek to Data’s, closing her eyes and enjoying the moment. They hadn’t had one such as this since the art show. It made her realize how little time she had set aside for romance. Not that she could blame herself. It had been years since she had been in any kind of long-term relationship and they had never been like what she had with Data.

“Data,” she said in a soft voice. “Will you make me a promise?”

“Certainly.”

“Promise me we’ll always make time for this. For us.”

“I promise. If you promise to do the same.”

She drew back to look him in the eye. “I haven’t been doing so well at that, have I?”

“You have been consumed with work.”

He was right. In her attempt to keep herself going, she had let a lot fall by the wayside, not just in regards to her health.

“That’s no excuse,” she said. “I’ve been so wrapped up in my own crap I’ve been neglecting you. And I’m sorry.”

“I do not feel neglected. My words were not meant to guilt you.”

“I know. And they didn’t. They just pointed out how distracted I’ve been.”

Data held her close, his temple resting against hers. “Allow me to provide an alternate distraction.”

Warmth flooded her system and she relaxed in his arms. “You’re doing a marvelous job.”

They danced for hours. At least it felt like hours. There was no one to interrupt them. No duties to get to. No one to tell them there were other more important things to do. Because at that moment, there wasn’t anything more important than the two of them finally having time alone. Time to just be together.

It was like a dream.

The quiet music. The wine. The dim lights. It was like Data had reached into her subconscious and drew out her deepest desire.

When the music finally faded away and the room was silent, Faith let out a content sigh. “I love you. So much. I never thought I could love someone this much.”

“I never believed I could love at all.”

“Oh, Data.” She slipped her arms around his neck and drew back to meet his gaze. “You’ve been loving people this whole time. In your own way.”

He smiled softly, the beautiful smile that she loved so much. She stopped their dance, stroking his cheek as she admired the face she had committed to memory. Data initiated the kiss, leaning in so quickly it was as if he couldn’t help himself.

His increasing impulsiveness when it came to affection always sent a shudder down her spine.

When they withdrew so she could catch her breath, she brushed her nose against his. “Let’s make use of that big bed in the other room.”

“A wise decision, mi alma.”

#lt commander data #Lt. Commander Data #commander data #data tng #Data Soong #may i?

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cancerbiophd · 4 years

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Hey, I am rotating in a cancer bio lab, this will be my third one. The first two worked around my class schedule very well, but for the first semester, these classes are everything. In my third rotation, my PI expects a lot of me in the short time I'm there, and I am working 6-10 hours there every day. This leaves me almost no time to study or do classwork. She knows how much work these classes are, because she used to teach it. Any advice to help me have less stress?

Hello Anon! Ahh I totally understand your frustration. I remember how demanding and absolutely time-consuming (and very important, as you mentioned!) those grad school classes were, and how stressful it was to balance all that and lab work.

It took me a while to answer this because it really is a difficult problem to tackle. A PI demanding a lot from the rotating student at the expense of the students’ grades in class should not be the norm. Most PIs understand that a rotating student isn’t there primarily to generate mountains of usable data; their priority is to get a feel for how they fit with the lab, and vice versa. So I guess what I’m trying to say: you’re doing amazing, and your PI shouldn’t be treating you this way.

But I think I’ve thought of a few things you could try (which does not encompass every route you could take), and you can see which one you’re most comfortable doing, or if they give you any other ideas to try.

The first question you’ll need to ask yourself is whether there’s a chance you’ll want to select this lab as your dissertation lab. I think this is a very important decision, because if you do want to stay, you’ll have to consider options that are more long-term. In other words, staying in this lab may require more energy on your part in finding a schedule that works for both your grades, your research, and your life outside of the lab if your PI appears to have less emphasis on work-class-life-balance.

If you know you won’t be continuing on in this lab after your rotation is done, you only have to work with a short-term solution. By no means do I mean slack off or not do your research or make a bad impression, of course--but it’ll be more like a sprint than a marathon.

Once you’ve decided that, here are some options to consider:

Work with your PI to set goals together. Sometimes PIs are super far-removed from classes (even if they teach them) because time makes us all forget the finer details, like how much work it actually takes to study for an exam! And some may just not understand that just because they have photographic memory and never needed to study, doesn’t mean everyone else is like them. Therefore it’s important to communicate with your PI about your limitations and boundaries. If your PI tells you do X, Y, and Z by Friday, counter back with: “Due to my course-load, I may not be able to complete all those tasks by the deadline. If that’s the case, which of those 3 should I prioritize my time on?” and/or “I can get X and Y done by Friday, but I will need until next Wednesday to finish Z.” I think these are very professional ways to reach a compromise.

Ask for more help from other lab members. Seeing how we can’t freeze time or clone ourselves, sometimes the only way to get more done in a limited amount of time is to get more bodies on the task. When I’m new to a group, I will ask the PI/my boss “If I need help with these tasks, who should I go to?” A lab is a team with a common goal, so I hope yours will see that to help one person is to help everyone. Going off of the first example, you can respond, “Sure, I can get X, Y, and Z done by Friday, but I will need help. Is there anyone in the lab who can help me with ____?” (And if the answer is “no”, that’s something to consider when deciding which lab to ultimately join.)

Say no to any new tasks until you’ve finished your current ones. In lab you can say something like, “I would like to first finish these experiments before moving on. Can we table this until next week?” or “Ok I’ll put this on my to-do list, but I don’t have time for it this week.” or simply a “I don’t have the time to do this.” This also applies to stuff outside of lab as well, like any extra-curriculars or social events. I also think this is a good skill/habit to have throughout one’s life too, but especially in grad school where PIs are just constantly sprouting out new project ideas without any consideration as to how to pause time so we can do it all.

Ask for extensions for lab tasks when you need it. It’s ok to ask for a few more days. Time in academic research can work differently--milestones tend to move a lot slower, and a difference of a few days hardly makes a huge impact down the line. So unless it’s a hard deadline (like data for a grant submission), it’s ok to let your PI know “Hey, I’m working as hard as I can on this, but I did not anticipate some of the set-backs so I’ll need until ____ to get the data to you.”

Multitask (but smartly). Do you have small but recurring “downtime” during your experiments that you can use for studying? When I ran Western blots, I would have five 5-min washes throughout the day, and that was 25 min of time I sometimes spent reading for class, or even doing small tasks like catching up on emails. Definitely use those natural “breaks” in lab to your advantage if you’re able.

Block off more time before and after classes to spend away from the lab. Since you have to leave for class anyway, you can try to squeeze more out of it. Maybe like, leave lab 30 min earlier for class, then come back to the lab 30 min later--that’s 1 full hour! If people in lab (ie. your PI) pry, just tell them you like to give yourself the opportunity to meet with the professors before/after class if necessary (not a lie, because it could be true!). Or you can set up a legit mini-study-session with classmates during those times to review materials before/after class. If 30 min is too long, even 15 min before and after is a good chunk of time.

Ask for advice from someone who’s had experience with situations like these. This includes other grad students (the ones already in this current lab would be a good place to start, as they’ve surely been-there-done-that) and your program advisor/coordinator who’s had years of experience mediating these conflicts. It may not stop your PI from being demanding, but they could give you pointers on how best to handle it.

And with the time you do have to study, be sure to be as efficient as possible. I know you’re already doing the best you can, but if there are any aspects of your study routine you think could be improved upon, now’s a good time to implement those changes. There are many ways to do this, including study groups, seeking additional resources like educational videos and help from professors/TAs, etc. Work smart, not hard, right?

My last bit of advice is: Make your grades in those classes your priority over the lab rotation. Some, if not all, programs have very strict rules on grades lower than B’s, and it could jeopardize your chances of remaining in the program. Here’s another way to look at it: you can choose to not stay in your current rotational lab, and perhaps even have minimal contact with that PI for the rest of your grad school career; but you can not choose to not have a grade affect your academic records and/or place in the program.

Good luck anon. I hope this helped a bit and it all goes well for you!

If anyone else has ever experienced something similar in grad school and have any additional advice, please feel free to help reply to/reblog this post! Thanks!

#Anonymous #grad advice #lab advice

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bettsfic · 4 years

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1/ hi betts. i have kind of a specific resume question that i'm struggling with and was hoping if you have any extra time i could hear your thoughts on? right after i graduated undergrad, a lot of Things happened and then i ended up having a good old bona fide Mental Breakdown™ and spent the next two years just living at my mother's house just straight up doing nothing. like, crawling out of bed at 7 pm to get water from the kitchen and then going back to bed for 2 years straight type nothing

2/ now, a little over 2 years later, i'm finally approaching the place mentally realizing i can start partially digging myself out of this via employment and my own income, and am starting the whole job application process. my undergrad degree was a combo of history + media studies, i had gotten in to do my history phd at yale, Things Happened before i could get there, all combined with the realization that a phd is not something i can commit to right now given the dismal career opportunities

3/ thereafter, so now i'm floundering and ready to apply to anything across the board, just ANY type of position to hire me so i can at least get on my feet after a couple of years and figure out what the fuck to do. except now, my problem and query, is that i have an over 2 year gap in my resume, with absolutely nothing to show for it, other than just straight up going batshit insane. i have no idea how to go about explaining that gap in future interviews, other than lying, and i don't even

4/ really know how to go about doing that either. i would really really appreciate any of your input on the situation, or any general advice? thank you either way. btw, your writing and multi-chaptered fics were one of the only consistent and good things about those two years and gave me something to look forward to and think about, and i can't even put into words how much that Helped.

first of all, thank you, and i’m glad my fics could help a little. second, congratulations for beginning to get out of what seems to be a very dark place. i’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time these past couple years, and i hope things continue to get better for you.

keep in mind, i’ve never been on a hiring committee before, so i’ve never seen this situation from the other side. i’ve only applied to a lot of jobs, and i had the opposite experience -- how to explain juggling so many jobs at once, and why i felt i had to do that? it felt the same though in some ways, two years of my life where i couldn’t grow as a person or feel any emotion, because i was working every minute of every day.

so, you can only really do 3 things: tell the truth, lie, or don’t mention it.

if you tell the truth, you put yourself in a difficult position. even though it’s horribly ableist, hiring managers may hold a 2-year gap in your resume against you. i imagine they’re looking for any reason to deny your application. that said, you could also indicate that you took a long-term health leave and not say anything more. they’re not allowed to inquire further, and you never have to give more information than you’re willing to. i think sometimes there’s this assumption you have to explain the why of things in the working world, but you really don’t. you may have a manager that demands to know things, but if you work for a corporation, even if a manager demands information, you very likely will never have to give it. at work, you are a veneer of yourself. you do not have to be vulnerable or open. you only have to do a job. in the hiring process, all you have to do is prove that you can do a job. so, focus on that.

i don’t like lying, but it might not be a terrible idea to indicate in a cover letter that you’ve spent two years as, say, the primary caretaker for a sick/dying relative. it’s noble, sympathetic, sadly very common, and nobody would interrogate it because it’s such a sensitive topic. the trick is how you would sell it in an interview, i think -- you wouldn’t bring it up on your own, and if asked about it, you would have to put on a professional facade over grief, in other words a non-reaction, and politely side-step the question to indicate it’s too painful to talk about, and you understand why they have to ask but you’d really rather not get into it. while i don’t think anyone would catch onto the lie, i personally would be nervous about the karma that would invoke. (to this day i still feel guilty lying to my professors about skipping class and late work by telling them i had to take my dad to chemo appointments. my dad was actually dying but i only ever took him to one appointment. on one hand, i forgive myself because i was clearly suffering in ways i didn’t yet understand. on the other hand, i feel bad for using my dad’s cancer to my benefit [but less bad knowing my dad, a serial work-skipper himself, probably wouldn’t have cared]). also, you’d have to keep up that lie for the duration of your employment, especially if the fake relative passed away, and that’s your reason for seeking employment. the good news is, in my experience, when my dad actually did die on my first day of work, nobody brought it up, because it was a very uncomfortable situation.

lastly, you could just not mention it. especially if you’re applying for entry-level work, it’s very possible your interviewers or hiring managers just aren’t going to care. depending on the type of job, they may just be looking for a body and it doesn’t matter where you’ve come from or what you plan to do. in the grand scheme of things, two years isn’t a long time. it’s possible, if the hiring manager is older, “2018″ and “2020″ are not far enough apart to put up any red flags. especially having just graduated, there are lots of easy assumptions that can go there. looking for jobs, pandemic, applying to grad school, etc. but, you know, that’s a risk. you might default to this option and see what happens. if you’re not getting any calls for interviews, then try a different option.

personally, my belief when it comes to work is always, “it’s nobody’s fucking business.” i’m one of those people who only ever shows a very specific, narrow piece of myself to others that i think is most relevant to them, even in relationships.

(an aside -- one time i was complaining to my bff about money troubles, and keep in mind, we talk every day, and he was like, “well you could always get a job?” and that was when i realized, my best friend didn’t know i had a job. because i never told him i had a job. so he thought i just didn’t have a job. it’s definitely a consistent pattern, that i’ll say something about myself, and someone who thinks they’re close to me will go, “you WHAT” and i’ll shrug and be like, “i don’t know it just never seemed relevant.”)

which is all to say, in workplaces i’m even more of a closed book. whether or not that’s a good thing is debatable, considering how i’ve hated pretty much every job i’ve ever had (besides teaching). but the point is, professionalism is a performance, and the cover letter/resume is just a script. it’s a picture of you, not you, and you can choose how to portray yourself.

sorry this is such a long answer for what amounts to “i’m not sure.” any followers who have experience on the other side of the hiring process, do you have any advice for anon?

#writing advice #job advice #Anonymous

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 years

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(TW for meds, insomnia, hospital, accident, death, pandemic, violence) This is an ask for reassurance and advice. I currently take medicine that was prescribed to me after my trauma to treat insomnia. I thought this would just be a "band-aid" solution but it feels like life kept spiraling downhill and I've had to continue to stay on the med for now. I won't get into the details but after my first trauma (which was a personal trauma, no one else was hurt or impacted but me), I then had a (1/10)

sudden death in the family, my mom was paralyzed after an accident, and I also had to start taking care of a family member in the late stages of Alzheimer's. When my mom was paralyzed and my other family member died, I was put on a psychiatric waiver from my classes because my school said I was too unstable to keep attending. I tried to seek help from my school's counseling center twice. The first time, they wouldn't see me because I wasn't enrolled at the time (this was after my first trauma which involved hospitalization so I wasn't taking classes).

The second time (after the death + accident + becoming a caretaker), they literally said that my problems were "too severe" for them to deal with but wouldn't give me any other resources. So rather than receiving proper long-term counseling, I've had to rely on my medicine. Like I mentioned, it's prescribed to me by a doctor, I don't abuse it, I'm on a small dose, and I don't get any side effects from it. But I just see it as a personal failure because I think to myself "If only I had gotten better help before, I wouldn't be relying on medication now." Plus even with medication due to my life being so unstable I still encounter issues with sleep and have sleep-related anxiety in general. I don't feel ready to come off my medication for now, because I feel like a change in medication would be a bad idea given my current circumstances and tbh the pandemic has made things that were already stressful even more stressful, for example there's been vaccine shortages where I live, lots of fights and violence in broad daylight, and just... really bad policies that have kept the pandemic out of control compared to other places.

I'm not living in a stable environment, I've always hated this city and the pandemic made me realize just how little I can keep tolerating it. I'm currently going to a new school I'm hopefully graduating from soon and still get extreme stress on a daily basis thanks to having to take care of my family members on top of loads of schoolwork. I did see a counselor (only short-term though because they ended up moving out of this country) who said my dose is safe and that they believe that once I eliminate some of the stressors from my life (like finally graduating school and leaving this bad environment) and can focus on my trauma recovery without as much stress, I will eventually not need the medicine anymore, and will be able to gradually wean off of it.

I have researched about this online and would do it carefully under the guidance of a medical professional, plus like I mentioned before I'm on a low dose and never abuse it. There's been times where I've fallen asleep without it and also some times where I've been able to go for months on a reduced dose comfortably, until some obstacle sets me back and I'm back to feeling like I need the full dose again. I still have a LOT of fear like "What if I'm STILL too mentally messed up even after life gets less stressful for me? What if I run into new traumas? What if it's too difficult for me to stop needing my medicine to sleep? What if the problem is all ME and I'm just this messed up person beyond repair who failed at being a human thanks to my trauma ruining me?" and I get extremely, overwhelmingly panicked over those thoughts literally every day.

One fear in particular that I have is that I know when my relative with Alzheimer's dies, it will be absolutely devastating. I just wish my initial trauma would have never happened to me, because now it feels like my brain is far too messed up to handle ANYTHING else, whether it's just school or if it's something more serious like more deaths/accidents in the family. I feel like if someone else were going through this I would support them and encourage them but I can't give my brain the same treatment I would give to someone else. I just feel like I'm stuck in this situation and it all goes back to not getting the right help from the right people at the right time.

Can I have some advice and reassurance about how to approach all of this? (Also, I wanted to add that I have severe health anxiety, so if possible I would appreciate if you could please try to avoid saying things that would make my anxiety worse in regards to health topics since I see a lot of "worst case scenario" type stuff online that causes me to panic and I want to focus on positive possibilities instead, please) Thanks!

---

Hi Anon,

First of all, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress and holding up really well considering that. I know it may feel like you’re not doing well at all, but it sounds like you’re still getting through school and taking care of family, both of which are not easy things. You should feel good about the fact you’re doing a lot better than many people would be in the same situation.

The fact that you are taking a medication isn’t a failure at all. If someone was depressed and taking an anti-depressant medication to treat it, that wouldn’t be a sign of weakness. If someone had a lactose intolerance and sometimes took a medication so they could eat cheese while minimizing the effects, that wouldn’t be “wrong”.

It sounds like your school’s counselling center failed you. That really sucks. But it isn’t your fault that they wouldn’t help you or even get you access to other resources - it sounds like you did what you could to get help, especially considering everything that you were going through.

You are not a failure because you need a bit of help, especially with everything you are handling right now. It would have been great if you had gotten the help you needed before, but now you should be focused on doing what you can to reduce the stress in your life. Graduating school is obviously a big thing you can do to help yourself. But also, if there is a way you can get more help taking care of family, you may want to make use of that. If there’s another way to access counselling, you may to try that. If meditation, mindfulness exercises, or any other stress management techniques are helpful to you, those are a possibility as well.

There is no shame at all in taking a medication to help you sleep, but I also have confidence that things will get better and you will be able to wean off of it in the future (but it’s okay if you decide not to do this, too). You’re doing great. Things will get better.

You’ve got this.

- Mod Ess

#trauma talks #insomnia #pandemic #death #tw death #accident #violence #Mod Ess

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adragonhoardingstories · 5 years

Text

Daminette AU (Part 8)

"Marinette Dupain-Cheng." She laughed. "Pleased to finally see you coherent."

A deep flush rose up his neck and she giggled. "Thank you for that by the way but advice for the future, it's not prudent to just help out strangers like that in Gotham. It could be a trap."

"Well thank you for the concern. I know it may not seem this way but I can take care of myself."

He seemed like he wanted to argue but thought better of it. Instead, he changed the subject. "Oh, you said you were already to heading to Wayne Tower weren't you? Can I ask what business you have there?"

She smirked. "Well I would tell you but someone just recently told me to be wary of strangers in Gotham."

He laughed. "Okay you got me there."

She giggled. "Well, I'm here on a school trip, we're visiting Wayne Enterprises today."

She barely noticed his eyes widening before he asked another question. "Where is the rest of your class then?"

She snorted. "Believe it or not, they left me behind."

"In Gotham!?" He said outraged.

"I know right." She agreed. "If it was someone else, they would probably have been terrified, lost, in trouble or all three."

He looked thoughtful. "You said if it was someone else and yet I have a feeling you're not just being cocky. "

She raised an eyebrow. "Caught that, didn't you? Well, not many people know this but I'm actually a Gothamite, CPS is what got me to Paris." She winced, changing her accent to her American one. "Couldn't escape them."

He seemed excited by this revelation. "That certainly explains why you seem so at ease here, only a native can be. Well, on behalf of all of Gotham, welcome back."

"There is no other place like Gotham." She laughed. "This will always be home."

He laughed with her for a bit before resuming his interrogation.

"How did you get left behind anyways?"

Her smile turned wry. "I know it seems pretty unbelievable, but there's this girl, who's got the whole class along with the staff wrapped around her little finger, which would be fine if she wasn't a liar. I'm literally one of the only persons who can figure out she's lying which is ridiculous because her lies aren't even good ones. I tried to call her out on it and ended up becoming her favourite target. Anyways, she somehow convinced the class to leave an hour earlier than the time we were supposed to. My only friend in that class is jetlagged and probably as tired as you are right now-" she raised the second coffee in her hand for emphasis. "Which is why she didn't notice and warn me until it was too late. I prepared everything for the trip as class president so I know all the details and well I decided why not take the opportunity to take a stroll in my favourite city?"

"Wow." He said and she was happy to note that seemed genuinely to believe her. "Sounds rough."

"Oh, you have no idea."

Tim pushed the door open for her and she smiled, realising that they were finally at Wayne Tower.

The building was as if not more impressive than she remembered and she fought the urge to take out the sketchbook and start drawing.

"Well I guess, this is where our ways part Tim, it was nice meeting you. Please get some sleep."

He laughed. "Are you so impatient to get rid of me? Just, wait here for a second, I need to have a word with Theresa-" He motioned to the secretary. "-and then I'll escort you to your class, it's the least I can do after youvey helped me."

"Oh, that's not necessary."

"I insist." He gave her disarming smile and walked away before she could protest.

She sighed and looked around, leaning against the wall. Her hands itched and she finally gave in, taking out her sketchbook from her bag and letting the inspiration guide her.

She became so absorbed in her work, she didn't notice when Tim made his way back to her. Only once she was done and went to keep her sketchbook back, did she notice the man waiting for her.

"Oh I'm so sorry, this place is so beautiful, I just needed to get this down. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting."

He smiled down fondly at her. "It's alright. My little brother is an artist too, I'm used to it. Plus, you didn't take long. I'm a bit surprised actually."

She smiled shyly. "It's just a draft design, I jotted down the things I wanted to go into detail for later."

"You're into design?" He asked while he held another door open for her.

"I'm a fashion designer actually."

"Oooh, well I'm not that interested in those things but I've been trying to get an MDC special since a while. I love their work." Marinette flushed a deep red and hoped Tim wouldn't notice it. Fortunately, he didn't, continuing to babble about what aspect of her work he loved.

Maybe she'd get him VIP tickets to her show. That would be a nice surprise…

"Hey, listen Marinette." Tim stopped in his tracks. "There's something you need to know before we reach your class."

"What is it?" His voice made her wary.

"I'm ah kind of your tour guide."

"Oh." She said, and Tim gave her a moment to absorb that information. "Oh."

He grinned sheepishly when she turned a glare at him. "Surprise!" He did the jazz hands hands and Marinette could help the snort that escaped her.

"So you're not mad?" He asked.

"No, but I'm guessing you figured it when I mentioned we were the school from Paris, huh? Well you could've told me before I started ranting to you but eh I guess it's good that you're warned."

She looked at him solemnly and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Good luck, may the Gods be with you."

They stared at each other for a while before they both burst out in a fit of giggles.

"Okay, so anything else I need to know."

She hummed. "Well Mrs Bustier is not the best teacher, she has too much of a passive attitude and tends to support the offender rather than the victim. Other than that I guess, the only people that'll cause you problems is Miss Lie-La Rossi. I'm willing to bet she says something about knowing one of the Waynes within her first five sentences to you."

"I'll take that bet." He placed a hand on her back and gently pushed her forward.

"If I win, you gotta come to dinner at mine, I feel like we can be great friends and I feel like all my siblings will love you!"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, but if I win, I'll give you an address and a date you need to show up at without question."

"Seems fair to me."

She laughed. "What happened to trusting strangers?"

"I think we blew that phase when you gave me the coffee."

She was about to retort when she heard a very shrill and very familiar voice.

"I can't believe Marinette has gone to such extents just to get attention. Doesn't she know how dangerous Gotham is?"

She muttered a quick prayer for the Gods to give her strength and caught Tim's face of complete disbelief as the rest started cussing at her.

"I'm guessing that's Lila." He said.

Marinette offered him no answer, just a grimace as she walked in the room.

***Italics is for french

"Thank you for your concern." She drawled out. "But I do believe it isn't my fault that you changed the schedule and did not inform me and before you start accusing me of lying, let me remind you that I was the one responsible to plan all of the activities on this trip and as such I have a copy of all the times and places we need to be at."

She ignored the seething crowd and passed Chloe her coffee before turning to Mrs Bustier. "And you, Madame? While I can understand the... excitement of the others to visit such a prestigious industry, as teacher it is your job to ensure that all of your students are there - not to mention the inconvenience you undoubtedly have caused the staff here due to your early arrival."

Her teacher flushed. "Now Marinette, I know that you are more than capable of taking care of yourself and the staff didn't seem to have a problem so please refrain from ruining this day for everyone."

She heard Tim mutter his disbelief, she guessed that he spoke French which is also why he was their tour guide. No one had noticed him yet but she decided not to stretch this out.

"They are professionals Madame."

Before things could escalate, she stepped to the side and gestured to Tim.

"This is Tim Drake, our tour guide."

"Bonjour," He smiled even though to her it seemed strained. "Welcome to Wayne Enterprises. We are honoured to have you with us. The portfolio your class president sent to us was impressive. It's nice to know that the youth of today is interested in helping the world around them and during this trip, well Wayne Enterprises aims to help you in your future career."

It was very obviously a practiced speech to Marinette and Tim didn't seem eager to repeat it but the rest of the class ate it up.

He caught her eye and they shared a look of understanding as the others started babbling excitedly.

"Please, I will ask you to remain quiet as we tour so as not to disturb the other employees."

Everyone fell in line and obediently stayed quiet. That lasted for about twenty minutes which was fifteen more than Marinette had expected before Lila started spewing her stories again.

Tim had just finished telling them about the work they did at WE and what they were going to visit. He mentioned that certain labs were off limits to them. That's when Lila started saying that she of course had visited these labs before because the Waynes trusted her.

She could see Tim doing a good job to keep his fury contained. The Waynes were obviously very loved if that's the kind of reaction an employee got after hearing lies about them.

He seeked her eyes as if to ask whether this was all for real and she offered him a small encouraging smile in return.

Tim turned to Miss Liar and her entourage and cleared his throat. "Miss Rossi, I presume, as... entertaining as your fictional stories might be, please refrain from speaking about them here. Also, I do remember telling you not to speak up like you are right now so as not to disturb the other employees."

"She looks like she's going to blow." Chloe snickered and Marinette had to agree, Lila was getting redder.

"How dare you?" She screeched and Marinette had a really good feeling that today was the day Lila was going to start her fall from grace. "My stories aren't fictional. You're probably just a lowly intern but I know all the Waynes personally. I can get you fired!"

"Oh?" Tim's face went blank. "Who do you know in the family?"

"Oh, I know all of them - Dick Drake, Jason Grayson, Tim Todd and Damien Wayne." She felt a surge of anger go through her at the last name but closed her eyes and tried to calm herself. Fortunately, she had more than enough practice to control her emotions and opened her eyes just in time to catch the derisive snort from Tim.

At that moment, she remembered why exactly he seemed familiar to her and let herself smirk. Chloe nudged her. "You know something." She said knowingly and she only smiled innocently in return.

She raised an eyebrow in disbelief but turned to watch the drama unfold.

Tim opened his mouth to speak but someone called out to him. "Mr Wayne!" Marinette turned her head to watch a harried woman come their way. "I'm so sorry for interrupting you through this tour, I know you wanted to deal with this class yourself but something came up with the deal with the Luthors, we need you there asap!"

"Alright, I'll be there in five minutes. I know Jason is here, get him to come take over for me, tell him that I'll owe him one - that ought to convince him."

He turned his attention back to Lila, eyes sharp and in that moment, she couldn't recognize the same sleep deprived man she had helped that morning.

"And you, Miss Rossi, if you haven't guessed it yet - I am Tim Drake-Wayne, the CEO of this company and I can guarantee all of you that neither I nor my brothers have ever met you."

"How do you know that your brothers have not met her?" Ever so stubborn, was Alya.

"Because, Miss Cesaire, my brothers names are Dick Grayson and Jason Todd and before you ask, I know all of my youngest brother's friends and she is not part of them. I'm afraid to tell you that she has been lying to you."

Alya looked pissed right then and Marinette couldn't help but feel a bit vindicated.

"So Miss Rossi, please do continue spreading your lies about us and next time, you'll be contacted by our lawyer."

"Now, now." Miss Bustier intervened and Marinette wasn't even surprised that it was now that she decided to intervene.

"Isn't a lawyer too much? She only said a few lies."

"Her lies can be considered defamation. Those labs she said she had access to are for dangerous or top secret experiments. The fact that we just let a teenage girl in there can damage the reputation of our company and raise question on our policies, so no it isn't too much. We can and will sue her if she lies again and for you Mlle Bustier, I am not impressed with your behavior with your class, I will be pushing for an investigation against you."

Marinette could frankly say that the she found some pleasure in seeing her teacher floundering. She pitied her a bit, but it's what she got for siding with the opressor every time.

And then Tim turned to her, harsh expression fading away to give place to a genuine smile as he walked towards her.

"As for you, I can't thank you enough for this morning."

"It was nothing." Marinette waved it off but then, she smiled teasingly, piecing together what he was doing. "Well if I knew you were a Wayne, I'd have made you pay for the coffee."

Tim laughed, taking it for the joke it was. "Can you give me your phone?"

She raised an eyebrow but handed it over silently; when he returned it, she had a new contact under Sleep Deprived.

"You won our bet." He said as an explanation. "But please, if you have any trouble in Gotham, feel free to call me."

#daminette #marinette dupain cheng #damian al ghul wayne #soulmarks

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