#and I feel like my life has completely devolved but also if I look back on it.. I'm not sure if I've ever had one

[tidepoolalgae]

.

[meanbossart]

DU DROW LORE ASK COMPILATION: COMPANIONS, ASTARION'S READING HABITS, AND HIS LONG-INQUIRED OPINIONS ABOUT BODILY WASTE REVEALED.

I don't think "discussed" is the right word, more so mocked her for her blind faith and got into brief spats. It was precisely Shadowheart's water-off-a-duck's-back attitude towards his remarks that kind ingratiated her to him - DU drow spoke his mind, she took it in stride and remained firm in her beliefs without arguing or trying to push it on him. That, alongside the fact that they are surprisingly similar people is what brought them together as friends.

Even long after the events of the game he's still opposed to her hopping from Shar to Selune, also. Shadowheart's attachment to religion is simply something they agree to disagree about.

Can I answer your question with one of my own?

Am I the only idiot that killed her in their first run LOL

BUT YES, he killed Lae'zel when she tried to murder suicide the camp and I went through the whole game without her. I didn't go to the creche either!

I have since had other runs and she's actually one of my favorite characters, I just haven't had the chance to draw her yet.

ACTUALLY - scratch that. I've drawn her once-

Somewhat! But not really. He genuinely just likes jewelry, and rings are the only kind that suit his life-style (necklaces and earrings are a hazard during fighting) this is a reference to his bhaalist days when he used to be completely covered in the stuff day and night.

Hence why he finds them comforting to have on in some way or another. They change around because he gets bored of/misplaces runs out of fingers to wear the new rings that he loots constantly.

The great link in question

I don't know if it's been made clear enough, but DU drow's love for Astarion is borderline pathological, LOL. He's got a good humor about things and Astarion is definitely no stranger to having little quips and jokes made at his expense (a few references to him being Pointy And Long here and there, for sure), but the guy overwhelmingly adores him and thinks he's always the prettiest girl at the ball, even when he gets in his face and his nose looks huge.

I'll be honest, Astarion strikes me as the kind of guy that has like, 3 really weird books he really enjoys and reads them again and again very slowly over the course of years. Otherwise, not really a reader, but I digress -

DU drow was probably never a big reader himself, I would say he got started on a couple of books back in the day but likely never finished any. He's fairly intelligent, but most of his downtime was spent managing the cult and parsing through relevant documentation.

I definitely don't think he'd have the attention-span for fiction (which I picture as being said books that Astarion enjoys) but he does like to snuggle up with his beau to watch him read - every once in a while he catches a particularly scandalous line or description and they bicker about it. He makes a remark, Astarion feels obligated to explain the context, it devolves into some playful kind of argument that ends with Astarion telling him to go dig a hole and die in it while playing with his hair - The usual LOL.

Oh man I have a few more in-dept descriptions of how that went, both lore-wise and just for me as the player - but in summary, DU drow was pretty mean to everyone earlier on in the game and he did catch onto Astarion's very obvious and obnoxious seduction attempts very clearly. He doesn't like being so desperately pursued and they actually got off on the extremely wrong foot because of it, LOL.

After being unpromptedly rejected at the tiefling party he was a little more enticed by him, basically the "no" was his "go". I like to think of it like Astarion catching onto the fact that his initial strategy wasn't working and that this man in particular needed him to play hard to get - from that point on, DU drow started playing along. DU knew this was still a game, but now they were playing it on even ground so he was fine with it.

First of all - he inexplicably got butt-ass naked for the event.

All in all he liked it a whole lot and it was his re-introduction to the concept of pain being dished out as a form of love and his deep enjoyment of it.

Thank you so much, glad to hear you get some joy out of my work!

Dang it I had a pretty good write-up about his thoughts on Wyll from a long time ago, but I can't find it 😭

In summary, Wyll was a frustrating person for him to be around because of what he viewed to be a deeply ingrained naivete about the world. He shockingly didn't hate him (Wyll is kind of difficult to hate) but he never really saw him as an equal either, and definitely not as a friend. Du drow just desperately wanted him to express something that he would perceive as a genuine emotion; some kind of outburst or show of anger or frustration, but all he ever saw was someone trying to put on an act of performative heroism that he didn't buy at all.

At the same time, Wyll was far too young for him to be too mad. He might have held his father more accountable for making the guy into what he was than Wyll himself, really.

Can a man be scared of being scared? Because if so, it's that.

He also doesn't like shit a normal amount. (piss is fine depending on whose it is.)

[educating-bimbos]

The Pinned Post 2

new pinned post because tumblr hid my old one from my view so I can't see, edit it, or reblog it to add an addendum. I only have a few things to add, so I am just going to copy and paste it.

Who is Educating Bimbos?

My name is Nicolette. I am a technical artist, musician, and an outdoorsy type of gal. I enjoy the finer things in life, and I fancy myself a traditional woman and a bimbo. I don't really enjoy mindlessly obsessing over labels, but if it helps people gauge where my brain is at, I am pro-patriarchy, in favor of traditional gender roles and dynamics, an ex-feminist, and before all else a believer in one's ability to exercise personal freedoms. My beliefs, mannerisms, and presentation attract the ire of feminists, born-again-religious types, and any number of anti-fun douchebags. At the end of the day, just remember that behind this silly blog is a silly person.

What is Educating Bimbos?

It is a blog and small community of bimbos looking to learn more about and express a traditional lifestyle. It is also about people who may not be familiar with or comfortable around things like BDSM get a nice and soft introduction to it without being exposed immediately to the idea of how people can enjoy things in a pseudo-sexual context. At the end of the day, it is a blog and community where I and other like-minded people can express silly ideas without the fear of being lambasted by people seeking to harm others.

Where is Educating Bimbos?

Educating Bimbos can be found in one of these two places.

Why is Educating Bimbos?

Well for a while I was annoyed by the lack of communities that focused on a kind of "hyper-feminine" aesthetic while also promoting more traditional ideas. There was also the issue of communities that have tried this before of devolving into bigoted and abusive communities that would do everything under the sun to create an insular and ToS breaking community. I spoke with a friend of mine who runs a similar community a while ago and she inspired me to give this a shot. Now - close to 3 years later - I have a steadily growing community that pulls from all corners of ideology, cultural, ethnic, and interest level and the discord has been almost completely drama-free in its whole existence.

When is Educating Bimbos?

I am alive and doing silly stuff all day, every day. Except when it is nap time in which case I will be in the realm of dreams.

What's an ex-lesbian and why do you call yourself that?

For a number of very personal reasons, I have decided to call myself an ex-lesbian. I did this of my own volition, and I was not pressured into doing so. For a long time, I had thought of myself as a lesbian, mostly because of socialization and how all the girls around me were so might as well follow suit. I experienced a number of harmful and traumatic events when I considered myself a lesbian and it effected how I view myself. After a while and talking to some friends who I trust dearly, I came to the realization that I am not a lesbian and that it really isn't a thing I identify with the same way others do. I am still trying to come to grips with that given I only relatively recently had that realization. I also feel that people use that term in bad faith to harm people and to push bad narratives and ideas so I thought "hey might as well try and take back what should be an innocuous phrase."

In short, I think an ex-lesbian is just a way of identifying one's sexuality similar to asexuality or demisexuality. It is not that I am one sexuality or another, it's that my sexuality is defined by my experience and coming of age.

I have had a number of people confront me about this, talk to me about it in sincere curiosity, and even attack me. I welcome anyone who is curious or has a genuine contention to come to me in DMs, I am not a mean person, and I will love to talk honestly and respectfully. I find that disagreement is not grounds to discredit or avoid befriending people, I hope you can do the same.

Further questions for Educating Bimbos?

If you find that these questions are unsatisfactory in any regard, or you wish to try your hand at doing what I do, follow these two links!

Ask me anything!

Ask me anything you want! I have some personal rules with regards to what I can and cannot upload, but this is generally the best way for me to answer any question you may have. I also have anonymous asks enabled just in case you are shy.

Submit a post!

If you think I should be made aware of something, post something, or if you just want to signal boost something try this. So far, I have no real rules or expectations so do whatever you want with this button.

[ntls-24722]

[cracks back]

so @artastic-friend gave me some ideas

Since Music Man is canonically not made by Fazbear Entertainment, what if the company that made her made all sorts of other arachnid robots - Music Man being the trendsetter and personifying the entirety of the Arachnida class and having a bunch of other robots representing the other orders? Instead of a pizzeria or an animatronic band like Fazbear, instead they come from a robotics company that does have a restaurant but it's much less marketed for children and is a more adult-friendly place and has a bar and stuff. I got most of my inspo from Shinjuku's Robot Restaurant, partially because of the doctored screenshot that DJMM comes from japan but also because this looks dope and fits the rave vibe that DJMM portrays

The robots do serve the purpose enterainment but they do have a practical purposes like cleaning, bartending, cooking, construction and transport, security, providing medical help and even hunting down pests like rats and roaches. The showcases are not just for entertainment but are also showcases for potential buyers, as all the robots are on auction, but they are all extremely expensive at the moment on account of their versatility, size, and intelligence, as the animatronics, after showcases, actually freely roam the restaurant and directly talk to people and are general party hosts.

DJMM is obvi Aranae, but in the lore for this I imagine he not only has the most resemblance to Music Man, but he's also second oldest, which in this case meant he was made before they became extremely valuable, both of these factors leading to him being auctioned to Fazbear Entertainment. The company that created him is currently working on a new DJMM, which has led to him being very resentful, not just because he's replaced but also there's this copy of him that's going to be having the time of his life at a crazy robot rave restaurant everyday. I'd be pissed too if I was still stuck in the Chuck E Cheese That's Famous For Child Murder And Also Killed My Mom💔

I need to draw all 12 extant orders but I do have these 3 - the represantative for Uropygi, the order where vinegaroons are from, who i made cat-themed mostly because of a joke I made that these are the last catboys of spider nation on account of their tail. I don't have a name for the Uropygi bot, though I did have the ideas of Catman and Confetti Cat. I feel like I can do better. He actually takes up the job of DJMM as a janitor and a party host, but as of currently there is still no DJ. Yet.

There is also the representative for Amblypygi, the mime and the "Dazzle King." They feature no speakers anywhere on their body and is completely silent, and both mimes and actually helps with construction projects out of the restaurant!

peep the grabber

And we have Schizomida, or the kinglets/split kings. (the "kings" refer to the "scorpionlike" arachnids and "queens" refer to the "spiderlike" arachnids. therefore DJMM is a qween💅)

In the case of this au(?) the windups were not prototypes but were made with the purpose of being, like, robot pikmin, and Fazbear Entertainment bought all of those guys out, so Spider Robotics (no idea if thats gonna be the name) made the kinglets, who are in much higher quantity but have devolved in quality, as there are mainly so many of them because they keep breaking and are not very smart. They provide surveillance, alert staff of any emergencies or any information that needs to be known, and... also hunt down and kill pests. No mousetraps, they send a horde of Kinglets on mice. It's brutal.

also there will be a Bighand redesign soon, the idea for which provided by @artastic-friend. I wanted to draw it but i didn't have time but stay tuned 😈

[thegeminisage]

[emerges from 2.25 resolutions panting and covered in blood] it's staaaar trek update time

tuesday we did ds9's "to the death" and, of course, voy's "resolutions." augh

to the death (ds9):

i completely forgot every single thing about this episode due to what came after. hold on a sec while i go skim the transcript

OH YEAH. jem'hadar gateway

i think the premise of this episode is a little faulty. "you have to help us put down these rebel jem'hadar or else they'll get you too" hmm are we sure? are they really just mindless feral beasts who want nothing more than to conquer or should we be thinking with our brains that they're sentient people who desire freedom from their masters? i guess we only use morals when it's convenient lol

also, i get SO TIRED of people calling worf a pussy. and conflating his morals or even having morals at all with BEING a pussy. he's obviously not a pussy and he has proven this in battle and out of battle about 1000000 times on screen by now. give him something else to do, PLEASE

that said, a few decent sisko scenes in this episode. he had to lay down the law a couple of times and also saved that one guy's life

i did also like learning a little more about the jem'hadar, especially re: their lifespans. i hope that one guy really does make honored elder <3

resolutions (voy):

this episode changed my brain chemistry. i have watched it multiple times a day since first viewing. absolutely my favorite voy ep yet. i've been putting off writing this update because i was afraid

firstly, it had a great b-plot. tuvok almost getting mutinied and by HARRY KIM who never gets anything to do? mwah. at first i was disappointed it didn't devolve into actual mutiny, but the more i think about it, the more sense it makes. tuvok isn't stupid, he can sense which way things are headed and he knows capitulation to loyalty, an admirable trait, is desirable over outright chaos. he is also trying to do what janeway wanted for her crew, and janeway herself would likely listen if everyone aboard wanted to do something, even if she had her reservations. that's part of what it means to be captain.

the a-plot..........

AUGH

the. i can't even put into words

he's been in love with her the whole time. like, this is canonically a confession of long-held feelings. that's not left up to interpretation, even if whether or not they fucked is (and they definitely fucked). it makes me want to rewatch so i can decide in my mind palace when exactly this happened for him. HER NEEDS COME FIRST. ANYTHING HE CAN DO TO LIGHTEN HER BURDEN

and she never asked for this kind of devotion. he just wanted to give it to her

that's the fun thing about chakotay. he's so contradictory. the deeper you go, the gentler he becomes. on his outside he's very tough and dangerous, he can and will hit his suboordinates, he will kill people, and then when you strip everything back and get him at his most bare he just wants to build things for his wife and find peace in making her happy

it's also so good for janeway too like...she struggles so hard with staying hopeful, but she's learned to white-knuckle hope so hard as a means of survival that when she's forced to let it go it devastates her. optimism not because she believes in good things but because she will MAKE good things happen and when she can't and they don't, and she doesn't have power or control or even the illusion of those things anymore, that's what gets her

chakotay is fine giving up power and control and living moment-to-moment, but janeway lives looking forward. and in that way they complement each other SO well

i love also that janeway worse so many dresses. it hints to her not being able to be as feminine as she might like to be on the job, because when she unwinds in the holodeck she's also wearing a dress and in this elaborate romance novel where she is in a very womanly role. i loooove that like she's still a woman she's just a professional first. so when she wears a dress it's a vulnerability thing, permission given to see her as human woman, just like when chakotay is gentle with people. because the last person he was gentle and loving to was seska who betrayed him utterly in every possible way. he doesn't let people in but AUGH HE BUILT HER A BATHTUB HE BUILT JANEWAY A BATHTUB VOYAGER WASN'T EVEN OUT OF CONTACT RANGE YET AND HE WAS ALREADY TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR HER GOD KILL ME

ANYWAY. ANYWAY. they're also both normally very serious, largely because of the burdens placed on them by life circumstances, so it was SOOO GOOD to see them gradually become more playful with each other

him holding her while her experiments fell apart. him holding her on the walk back during the storm. their hand touches. the way he touched her hair pre-massage. the hustling outside with the phaser when she called for him. the way he couldn't stop staring at her in the bath towel. it is so. IT IS SO. devotion. borderline worshipful. AUGHGHG

his love language is ACTS OF SERVICE like KILL ME

i can't believe they never touch on this romance ever again. ik he gets with seven eventually, and ik im gonna love her, and im also gonna be into janeway/seven, so why choose?? that said, it shouldn't be this way. it should be janeway chakotay. they are perfect. they shouldn't have had to breakup

anyway shoutout to the four pregnancy fics i've read so far. i can't believe i didn't think of it. chakotay meanwhile already like having pregnancy trauma because of seska. AUGH

lightening her BURDEN brought him PEACE

also lol the way he was like. when he said that bit. yeah this is an ancient legend and then he was just bsing her, he should do that more often. but also AUGH, BECAUSE. THAT MADE IT EASIER. TO SAY

FULL ON. CANON LOVE CONFESSION. AND THEN WE NEVBER MENTION IT AGAIN???????

i have to end this update now before i start screaming.

okay. tonight: ds9's "quickening" and voy's "basics part i" which will both be inerior to "resolutions" forever no matter what amen.

[luckloveandwaterfalls]

thoughts on callista and gavin? have a great day!

Loving these asks! I am always happy to get up on my soapbox about these characters. This time I'm focusing on how Gavin is convinced that Callista is the one who wrote A Tradition of Tragedy and how it shapes/reflects their relationship. It's actually super interesting to me that he thinks this, and I was glad they addressed it in All of Our Demise.

Because if you think about it, the theory doesn't make much sense. To begin with, the "Grieve" who is the author is constantly making reference to "their" family and Callista wouldn't devote so much time and energy writing about the family that she was just going to leave. I mean, she was probably engaged at that point, right? At a bare minimum, she knew she wanted to become a Payne and leave her old life behind. So publishing a whole book from the perspective of a member of her family wouldn't make sense.

Obviously, we know that she didn't write it, but even when Gavin doesn't know that, he could have thought about it and his theory wouldn't hold up. Even from a practical standpoint, I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't have noticed his sister constantly disappearing to do extensive research (bc Reid seriously did his homework) or getting calls from agents and editors and publishers and the like. All while she's supposed to be planning a wedding? The idea that Callista wrote the book makes no sense.

But Gavin still believes that she did for a really long time, and it heavily colors his interactions with her. Never once does he outright ask her about it. He doesn't have to. And I think it's because, at the surface level, she was an easy candidate who was well-informed about the Grieves and had mentally checked out of the family a long time ago, so she wouldn't feel guilty about spilling their secrets.

Gavin is firmly convinced that his sister wrote the book that made everyone look down on the Grieves, and his resentment of the book and how the public treats him because of it quickly devolves into resentment of his sister (which isn't helped by the way she effectively abandoned him as kids). When he finally accuses her of it, he doesn't even try to hide his bitterness: "Maybe you could make our family sound even more pathetic, too—although I guess you've already done that, haven't you?"

And Callista denies it, and he believes her, and that's that.

But here's the thing: Callista has clearly done a lot of thinking about the book, because she's the first one to theorize that it wasn't actually a Grieve who wrote it. She tells Gavin that she thinks they were set up. So she's read the book and put thought into it, and she's clearly a little upset about it, too. So even though she's fully checked out of the family, the blatant sharing of their secrets bothers her.

Not to mention that she's kept up on what Gavin is doing. She reads his interview with the Inquirer and even encourages him to work with Briony and Finley if it means he'll survive the tournament. So she obviously cares. But she didn't care enough to comfort him through his nightmares, or be there for him when he was training to be a champion, or hide her insulting shock when he shows up alive. But she cares enough to take in a kid that he drops off at her door and tell him the story of the first Grieve and try to help him survive.

Callista cares about Gavin, but every time it came down to it, she didn't care enough to make a choice that would help him, and ultimately it was because she wouldn't let herself care. It isn't fair to expect that she had an easy time of it, growing up with awful parents who had completely cast aside her brother and, debatably, her—but it also wasn't fair for her to pretty much turn off her love for her sibling and then turn it back on again once two external parties came up with a possible solution for the all-Grieves-must-die problem.

Which is why it gives me shivers when Gavin finally snaps, when he points out that the ongoing pattern for his family doesn't dictate his own odds of survival, that treating him like he was already dead was a fucked up thing to do. Callista is kind of faltering and she says that they all know the odds (implying that his odds are pretty much zero).

"Yeah," Gavin says. "One in seven."

This is a lot of words to say that I'm really fascinated by the minor plotline of Gavin thinking that Callista wrote the book and eventually being proven wrong. Because at the heart of that mostly-internal sibling conflict is their central problem: Callista cares about Gavin, but she's never allowed herself to care enough to make a difference, and he hasn't let go of expecting her to.

[gautiersylvain]

Helloooooo sorry to come in here like a FREAK. but if it isn’t weird, can I ask for some extra Katarina lore and backstory 👀👀👀

this is the least weird thing ever because when i'm not thinking about the actual bg3 characters i'm thinking about my OWN characters and would love to info dump about them

PLEASE be mindful of potentially triggering content below (violence, sexual assault) but at the same level covered in the game

looking back at what i wrote and it kind of devolved into a narrative rather than relaying backstory sorry! hopefully at least some of this is coherent



so katarina is a drow, originally lolth sworn and born in menzoberranzan a little over 200 years before the events of bg3 (about 1285). she was a commoner, but her storm sorcery manifested at an extremely young age and attracted the attention of several powerful clerical orders within the city. katarina's mother leveraged this - trading katarina to one of the orders for a position of privilege and wealth in a noble family's court.

katarina was raised by clerics devoted to lolth in semi-seclusion for the next 30 or so years. they believed the strength of the weave in her blood would allow her to survive a powerful ritual that would allow lolth to inhabit her body. knowing nothing else and longing to serve, katarina devoted herself to her studies and practice of magic to become the avatar for the spider queen.

it was only after the ritual was completed that she realized the mistake she had made. while lolth possessed her, she was but a puppet. katarina could do nothing but watch. watch and listen and feel as the goddess used her body to kill and kill and kill and touch and hurt - tearful red eyes glared back up at her as lolth brought another man under her and she tried to cry or scream or anything but instead she laughed-

she woke up later, covered in blood and bruises and her own vomit. the head cleric told her she did well and katarina struck her over and over with lightening until only ashes remained.

katarina remembers little of her escape from menzoberranzan after that. of her escape from the underdark. when she awoke on the surface weeks later, it was the middle of winter and she was hungry and tired but she was free and she was clutching a glowing symbol of eilistraee in her hand.

a few days later, she was caught trying to steal food from a trading caravan - and was thus taken in by her adoptive father, euri, who was working as a caravan guard. he was a human mercenary well into his 50s who lived in baldur's gate and brought katarina back to the city with him when the caravan reached rivington.

although technically an adult, katarina knew essentially nothing about the surface world. euri taught her to speak, write and read common and how to get by in the city. he taught her how to fight with her fists or a dagger, should she ever be without her magic. he led by example, treating others with respect and trying to help where he could. he asked her what she thought, her opinions, before making decisions. for the first time in her life, katarina felt like she mattered to someone for more than her ability to serve.

after her father died, katarina distanced herself from most people. she had friends and contacts and people she worked with in the city, but the grief was too strong to consider forming a close bond again. so she used her magic and her clerical abilities to make a living and help where she could - and then the mindflayers came.

i think the truth is katarina sees a little bit of herself in all of the origin companions, but astarion most of all. although their situations were largely different and a considerable amount of time has passed for her - she hasn't forgotten. she hasn't forgotten how it felt, the hurt and the shame and the anger. knowing that you were hurt and you hurt other people because of forces beyond your control. she also remembers the relief of being free, of being treated like a real person for the first time in....gods you can't even remember the last time someone treated you like a person instead of a body that could give them what they wanted.

so if she's more patient with him than someone else might be, well, the wounded recognize the wounded or whatever. i see you i'll be your mirror etc etc

[augment-techs]

okay, I know your reblog for this was for power rangers, but I have read some of your work and was kinda wondering about your version of the young justice Tim/La'gaan for the Sexy ABCs (so please?) L, Y, C, H, E, T?

Well, this was a surprise to get in my box. Not a bad surprise just...I think it's been years? But...sure.

Lingerie:

Truth be honest, truth be told, Tim is actually of the mind that La'gaan could look good in just about anything he wears or ever might wear; even that hideous Hawaiian shirt he often wore around the base while he was still dating Miss Martian. La'gaan is just naturally sexy.

La'gaan once wandered into Gotham's East End to meet Tim at Jason's apartment after a mission that was especially exhausting for the Robin and Jason wasn't willing to let him try and head back to the Batcave on his motorcycle; Tim was totally asleep on the couch wearing Jason's oversized red sweats and a grey-purple hoodie he'd nicked from Stephanie when she'd been in a hurry for a date with Klarion. It made him look tiny and soft and not at all like someone who knew a hundred different ways to fuck everyone up without killing them.

Yucky:

Both of them are actually rather vanilla when it comes to their sexual endeavors.

La'gaan has had a lot of sex under the sea (a necessity coming from the Trench) with a lot of different people. Honestly, the only thing he doesn't like has to do with anyone feeling entitled to his body and pushing him into things too fast.

Tim also grew up on the streets and has had a lot of sex with people (though his activities had more to do with survival than just feeling better about himself), but really, his squick is fully about calling someone or being called, at any point, "Daddy". It makes his skin crawl.

Condoms: La'gaan spent half of his life being totally and completely unaware that there was any type of form of protection necessary in the act of sex. Atlantians don't have those problems, so when he started dating M'gann and had to be put through an education course because Black Canary (rightfully) did not trust them to know any better, he was...a little afraid to have sex with humans. So he has tried out quite a few different versions of the condom, preferring the lambskin type to every other one, being entirely natural and working very well with his biology. Also they smell nice?

Living the life he did before Bruce took him in, Tim learned everything about sex a little early from street girls who sometimes kept an eye on him when his dad left him alone to his own devices and then finally when he got himself killed and Tim had to find a way to eat somehow. He is very aware of all forms of contraceptives and, being paranoid about how honest people are even after all his time with the team, insists upon wearing a condom or his partner wearing a condom. If they run out, then there will be an immediate trip to the store. He does not care how many times he's been tested and they've been tested, he will not do it without a sheath. (He's not picky, but he finds the flavored condoms to be disgusting, the ribbed condoms to be tedious and pointless, and mostly just prefers basic latex with maybe a little warming lube.)

Humor:

La'gaan used to be full of self-deprecating jokes and snide commentary about what he was doing in the bedroom, but he find that it made Tim sad, so he tries not to devolve into using humor like that as a defense mechanism anymore. Though when he makes a silly face when crossing the finish line into an orgasm, Tim seems to find it incredibly endearing. It seemed his 'O' face was wide enough to show all of his sharp teeth like a yawning lion and Tim could not help being brought to touch La'gaan's lower canine with a giggle. It sometimes totally killed the mood, but they did have a good laugh the one time Tim touched both canines using his pointer and pinky finger like he was rocking out. La'gaan thought it was so ridiculous that it's now one of his favorite memories.

Experimenting:

There...really wasn't a choice in the matter when they got together. True, both of them had watched porn and been involved with things that were really not appropriate when they were younger, but the theory and the fantasy is a damn sight different thing than the truth of the matter.

Going slow and asking questions and taking their time with each other, touching gently and applying pressure and making sure some fluids weren't toxic to their partner, using protection and getting tested and finding a groove that fit; this is all the definition of experimenting.

Turn On, Turn Off:

La'gaan is finding more and more as time goes on that there is a certain kind of weird niceness when Tim started feeling safe enough around him to take off his domino, but even MORE of that feeling when he was comfortable and trusting enough to wear shirts that showed off the scars he got in captivity with the Joker and the subsequent necessary bites to his neck made in a spur of the moment. It's not quite like arousal, because pseudo-mauling scars that have mottled ebb and flow are still depressing to look at--especially when he told La'gaan what the aftermath entailed--but it was...kind of like being let in on a truth and a secret at the same time.

Himself, on the other hand, while being told over and over again that Tim didn't mind or care, cannot bring himself to remove the cover on his foot from his run in with the Purists. And any mention or subsequent mention of the mark kills any romantic mood he might have.

For Tim, he really does adore La'gaan's sharp teeth and claws, the protective spikes he has, the spell tattoos, and the fact that he could break him in half any time but won't. It's probably not a really very healthy thing to admit to anyone that grew up outside of Gotham--or even in the fancier parts, like the school he's attending (thank Bruce for small favors like invoking a scholarship for Stephanie, or Tim would never relax in that place)--but it's technically an evolutionary trait left over throughout the world to have a partner that could defend themselves and you, so he makes no apologies. Also, playing footsie is a thing he didn't see himself understanding, but since La'gaan doesn't wear shoes...

He will not say the words "Daddy" or "Sir" or "Master" in the bedroom, ever, with anyone, or anything in the femme direction thereof, either. He does not like spankings. He will not, will not, will not use consent to bondage or blindfolds or sensory play. Being together in water isn't so bad but only for a limited time only if he has to dunk his head under.

They both get it, and do their best to make each other comfortable and happy. Which is all anyone could ask for to begin with.

[laiwater]

current white men i, as an aspec woc, am currently attracted to.

Firstly, I would like to preface this post by apologizing to myself and my online persona that this is the very first post I am making (though I am no stranger to Tumblr) and will definitely be looking back and cringing. But, I digress, this is purely for personal enjoyment and the fact that I love anonymity.

Second, there is no particular order in which I rank these men, I just enjoy them and their existence and their creations. So, I guess that's how this list came to be.

Now. On to the white men!

Number one, the one and only, Matthew Gray Gubler. Not sure how this obsession spiraled, but I'm positive that it started with an edit of Spencer Reid on TikTok.

He is both a blessing and curse to my existence. I get a visceral reaction when I see him on screen as he spews out his little factoids. I also feel very ashamed and embarrassed as I watch, to completion, a thirst edit of him and all I can is a black screen with my stupid smile reflected back at me. I feel crazy.

It has come to a point where I started watching other things he stars in. (Yes, thirst watches. I am devolving.) Today, I watched The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, which was very entertaining even without Mr. Gubler. Yesterday, it was Suburban Gothic and that one 15 minute bowling mocumentary where he humps the air. Tomorrow? Who knows. Maybe Horse Girl. Side note: I love Alison Brie.

To wrap up my blurb on Matthew Gray Gubler, I want to say 2 things. I love him as a creator and creative. He is the epitome of silly, which is something I think everyone can be just a little bit more, and he most definitely is Tumblr if Tumblr was a person. His history with art and creating is really intriguing and something I look up to! He models, acts, directs, writes, draws, and more. I just love creative people.

Next white man is Irish, has long beautiful locks, and is gigantimasaurus: Andrew John Hozier-Byrne! Professionally known as Hozier!

Unreal Unearth is actually the very first Hozier drop that I got to experience as a new-ish fan of his work. I love everything he creates; his lyrics, voice, sound has so much emotion and power. I was literally in the shower singing out Francesca as the water beat down my back.

My love for Hozier doesn't just stem from his music but also the content of his music, where he draws inspiration from, and how he's literally just some dude. Cue his handsome Squidward story and the one where he was cursing out some badgers.

The best way to describe the content of his music, in my opinion, is yearning for various releases in terms of love, hope, despair, a better understanding etc. He writes so well, and his feelings can be viscerally felt through paper and sound. He always sounds like he's on the edge of something, always anticipating a moment.

Last one, because everything comes in threes, is Thomas Straker, which is the "all things butter" guy, in case you didn't know. VERY random, I think, but I also don't think so.

Love, love, love a man that can cook. Even more so when he is nice to look at, and doesn't desecrate the food he makes (if you've seen those gross cooking TikToks where they completely violate their ingredients, you'd understand.)

Personally, I've been obsessed with this man ever since his butter series because 1) his voice is really really smooth, 2) he unapologetically loves food. Him creating these recipes and watching him eat his own dishes like they're the best thing to exist is elation.

Not sure if I'm starting to sound weird, but I think it's the same way people feel about Carmy from The Bear. Also, I cook. And it's just attractive how he cooks and enjoys cooking despite his comments telling him he uses too much butter - which is ridiculous because butter is what makes so many foods taste rich and good. Literally go shadow Gordon Ramsey as he makes a steak.

Anyways, that's it. That's the post. My laptop is about to die because I decided to write this in one sitting instead of packing because I'm leaving for school in two days. Crazy.

[onlyplatonicirl]

very very good chapter yippee yippeee tcoti my biggest special interest yay hurray huzzah

but in all seriousness the newest chapter was fantastic, all the characters are so well writte, despite condemning what error has done i can sympathise with him so well in this chapter and now throughout the entire story, he is a being who exists outside of reality unable to properly integrate into it because its just not in his nature, his body rejects its very existence and his mind is completely shattered (even more so after what the council did lmao), he seems so hopless in these last few chapters focusing on him, all he wants is to just get to his little void and curl up on a nice comfy bean bag and then fucking die

the way youve characterised ink is also incredibly interesting, he isnt this paragon of moral superiority but he also isnt a naughty no good bad man >:(( , he really truly is just such a uniquely neutral blank slate of a person (or monster ig), he doesnt seem to have any motivations outside of what he deems to be moral but his sense of morality is somewhat twisted by his desires and is doomed to forever be selfish because it only ever serves to suit himself and the current emotional palette hes experiencing, he cannot truly feel in same way others do so hes always running off of what his id tells him, what does he need in that moment to survive? what does he want in this moment to make him feel good? hes a pleasure seeker through and through, so long as his desires dont conflict with the relationships hes already established he'll go for that goal and he wont stop until hes got locked between his teeth through hell or high weather, doesnt matter if it conflicts with his moral compass, who needs one when no ones looking?

dream is also another really fantastic character in this fic, truth be told im usually not the biggest fan of him, a lot of his characterisation, like ink, lacks nuance, hes either a happy go lucky naive ball of energy, or this rude burnt and backstabbed cigar smoking loner, but dream in this seems to be a lot more nuanced, hes had bad past experiences and he does what he believes is right, every character in this story has these sets of moral principles and not all of them align, which is really interesting when you put them all in one room (the council) and force them to try and agree upon one major decision, the results of which will literally affect the entirety of the multiverse, dream believes in a great good otherwise known as utilitarianism - making choices which will maximise the happiness of everyone involved - and right enough killing or otherwise disposing of error would be the most utilitarian option, but he cannot shake the fact that murder is wrong despite how much he hates him and everything hes done

needles to say i am excited for the next chapters, i want to see these three relationship evolve (or devolve), and from the looks of it, dream corruption arc 👀👀????? he may not go the path of his brother, but hot damn that boy is gonna be pissed off at the world and the people who live in it and i cannot wait to see him tell them all whats what

glad to have you back in the writing biz

YESSSSS THANK YOU FOR THIS, YOU GET ME!!!! YOU GET MY CHARACTER ANALYSIS WAAAAHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ink is a TRUE NEUTRAL and has his own interests in mind. That being said however, when he has a normal emotional palette he does genuinely care for the people important in his life, such as Dream and Error. He’s mildly pissed off at Error and more pissed off at Dream, but he does care. It may be shallow but it begs the question - is it anymore shallow compared to people with souls?

Dream is at his core a good person, and he was opposed the murder. He’s happy and kind, but he’s also not an idiot, and after going through everything he’s been through he’s more an in his right to be pissed beyond belief

And Error, well, you nailed EXACTLY what I was going for

I really wanted this story to be something that people could have discussions about, arguing in favor of and against characters and their actions. I’ve seen people get in ARGUEMENTS over alchemy and whether or not he’s in his right to do what he did. And I love it

THANK U SOOOO SO MUCH FOR THIS!!! I absolutely adore hearing people’s takes on characterization and what they think will happen. They’re all so complex and I ADORE them for it

The closest character we can get to “evil because I love being evil” is like - Nightmare and Killer probably, but we already know enough about their characterization outside of TCOTI to where I don’t really have to say anything lol

[sparrowsabre7]

Black Adam Review

Much like “Aquaman” before it, “Black Adam” manages to be a thoroughly mediocre movie, elevated by some really nice visuals and solid action sequences. Unfortunately, it suffers from being considerably more derivative than the King of Atlantis’s film, but does boast stronger performances from its cast, with one major exception. 

I’ll start off by saying I have the most cursory knowledge of most of the characters in this film. Besides the fact Black Adam is Bad Shazam (Captain Marvel as was) and what we get in the “Injustice” games, I know next to nothing about him. Nonetheless, he is portrayed with some competence by Dwayne Johnson here, who I think manages to avoid just playing “The Rock”, an unfair criticism levelled at this film by many. Without wishing to over-praise, he does bring a sense of sobriety to the role and while his delivery is deliberately archaic, Johnson manages to make it work without feeling too silly. Sarah Shahi plays Adrianna Tomaz  (who I only realised on reading the cast list was based on “Isis” from the comics, the same source as Zari from “Legends of Tomorrow”) with plenty of pathos as the female lead and makes for a sympathetic but tough character, without devolving into action girl or damsel clichés. 

Aldis Hodge and Pierce Brosnan also bring a great deal of life into their respective characters. Frankly it’s mad that Brosnan has rarely been used in the Obi-Wan mentor role before, he sells it here incredibly well as a time-worn and world-weary Doctor Fate. His suit is also a visual treat, looking deliberately over-CGI’d to evoke an otherworldly quality that makes sense for the character. Hodge similarly manages to make Hawkman’s stick-up-his-ass dogma still feel earnest enough to avoid coming off like a complete dick. They are the glue holding the Justice Society together, which is a good thing because the other two members barely contribute to the plot or action scenes at all. Indeed one of them is a negative influence. 

Quintessa Swindell as Cyclone is a breath of fresh air, and despite very VERY minimal screen time or plot purpose manages to light up the scene whenever she’s on screen. A talented and charismatic actor who deserves more time to shine. On the other, deeply unfunny hand, is Noah Centineo, whose role as Atom Smasher fails to excite any kind of emotion other than irritation. His role is reduced to comic relief and flirting with Cyclone with zero payoff. His super suit also has a Deadpool mask that’s painted blue. I say that without exaggeration, it’s not just similar, it literally has the black diamonds where Deadpool’s eyes go, it’s just all blue. He doesn’t do anything cool action wise and all of his jokes fall flat.

That’s sadly not something reserved for Atom Smasher though. Pretty much every attempt at humour in the film, with maybe one or two exceptions based on Teth-Adam’s flippant attitude towards murder, dies on its arse. It’s common for people to mock “millennial humour” and MCU movies use of it these days, but I can safely say this film is the only one where I’ve seen these stereotypes actually be true. It’s all so awkward or out of place, or just incredibly tired. It’s one of the few things I genuinely disliked about the movie. 

Back to positives, I do enjoy that it manages to gently caress the idea of superheroes being concerned with predominantly white, “first world” problems, as opposed to actually fighting for injustice worldwide. It’s mostly paid lip service without being dug into, but it manages to touch on a subject many other comic book films would be reluctant to. Equally the notion of the citizens being the heroes, not the superpowered beings does work for me here, albeit another overly used trope. Indeed much of this movie is painfully derivative: Doctor Fate fights very similarly to Doctor Strange, Black Adam fights like a Man of Steel Kryptonian, and the big bad is the laziest most generic looking demon I’ve seen in my life. All that aside, the action sequences are still a lot of fun. There’s not been enough lately of heroes just going ham on each other, even in the actual “Man of Steel” so to have so much of the run time taken up with Black Adam pinging about the place zapping and smacking baddies makes for an entertaining romp. It’s also fun to see action sequences set to songs once in a while. I know “Guardians” and more recently the two Taika “Thors” did it too, but there’s something about the way it’s done here that feels so delightfully 00′s that it transported me back to that time when super hero movies were a rarity. Back then a film like this would have blown people’s tits off, as it stands it’s a decent enough Sunday afternoon film. Forgettable but fun.

[ylizam]

tagged by: @chainofclovers

last song: The Loneliest by Måneskin

last show/series: that I finished watching? hmm, High Fidelity. I think. ooh, or Only Murders in the Building (obviously only through the most recent season, but yes).

currently watching: oh gosh what am I not watching? (plenty, obviously, as there is SO MUCH tv these days.) Abbott Elementary is a delight and a must-watch for me every week; I watch it the morning after it airs, and it’s the best way to wake up. the Laws and Order are my bad-for-me copaganda programs, and I spent a bunch of them yelling at everyone not to trust the police but also, look, Olivia Benson and I go way back. I’m enjoying Queer for Fear and Interview with the Vampire so far. Stars Trek: Lower Decks and Prodigy (when the latter comes back). General Hospital. And sometimes Days of Our Lives (it’s not my soap, but I like some of the characters and I’m trying to support the show in this strange, streaming world it’s in). 

favorite color: orange

sweet, spicy, or savory: yes, and. 

currently reading: Honey in the Marrow by Emily Waters (okay, technically I just finished this, but I was reading it when I was tagged so). This is Real and You are Completely Unprepared by Rabbi Alan Lew. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (re-read). Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel (re-read). The Oleander Sword by Tasha Suri. fanfictions when they cross my path (mostly SVU lately tbh). 

what i'm working on: hahahahaha. ha. (which is to say that I have been so stuck, so very blocked, on just about everything, even though I have so many things I want to write and I really need.) (but now I have one exchange fic with a hard deadline and then Yuletide so hopefully those will help.) anyway in addition to like seventeen million ideas and things I’ve abandoned and may return to one day but also who knows, these are the official five things for now:

my femslash exchange fic. (it’s a secret.)

the TNG fic I’m co-writing with @summervillen (the goal is to finish before the Picard season 3 premiere date).

the original soap opera romance thing(ies: I have an idea for one story set in the 1980s, at the heyday of the genre, and one set current day when shows have been canceled and gone to streaming etc.; so it’s a duology, I guess?). the first one is fake dating for PR and whatnot. the second is a second chance romance for a background pairing in the first. 

the SVU Olivia Benson Becomes a Vigilante fic of the Cabot/Benson/Stabler variety. which stalled dreadfully during summer hiatus times, but I am feeling more excited about now that it’s network television season again. 

the Holby City remix fic that I’ve started and re-started and started again many times over the years, and which I really want to finish because I feel like I’ve never gotten any Berena closure for myself and also like I’ve slipped away without meaning to and would like to return.

currently obsessed with: the opening of Wolf Hall (“So now get up.” ugh, I want to roll around in it. it’s so good. I just, how did she do that? how is it so visceral, so there?). soap operas, as form, but also the history and cultural impact and fandom of; the watching of; the way you can grow up watching one, grow up and watch the characters age alongside you, racing ahead through life (sometimes you even get a character around your age that they don’t SORAS, and you grow up with them) (sometimes you get to watch a character age and still have adventures, romances, lives, and sometimes a character will devolve into someone who only shows up to talk to their—her, usually, because even in a genre where you get older woman living full lives, there’s still that pesky societal misogyny at play—grown child or grandchild); the shift from the heights of the daytime soap in the u.s. to now; the cancellations of shows and how that hurts (the way so many of these shows weren’t preserved over the decades, the film destroyed or taped over or whatever). the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation. (found family!) Kira Nerys and where she is now (or in the future, post-DS9, post Lower Decks; where she is now, whereas now is however many years post-DS9). Into the Woods. Russian Doll. apples. 

tagging: anyone who wants to answer these.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #642

Top Ten Games from the 2024 Summer Showcases

Okay, so the other week I swore I wouldn’t do this – literally writing a Top Ten about favourite gaming reveals of the past because I didn’t think I was bothered enough to actually write about this year’s crop of announcements and CG trailers. However, I’ve been swirling around the various separate shows for a couple of weeks now, and I’ve decided to just do a quick roundup of the most interesting games that were shown regardless.

Besides, I’ve left it late this week and I don’t have a lot of time.

So really there’s not much to it, and very little in the way of preamble. This week I’m looking back at the last few weeks’ worth of gaming showcases – from Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, Ubisoft, Geoff Keighly, Devolver, etc – and basically just picking the games that I think looked the best, or excited me the most. This isn’t necessarily a list of new announcements; I don’t really mean a bunch of games that I’d never heard of before. Rather, it’s just a list of games that either excited me just by existing, or by showing me something of themselves that I’d not seen before, didn’t know about, or just made the whole thing seem more, well… exciting. I’ve said that word far too much. “Proper bangin’”. Is that better?

Maybe next week will be funny.

Sid Meier’s Civilization VII (Firaxis Games): nothing but a name, an announcement, and a generic pre-rendered trailer, but already I’m salivating. Civ VI is my most-played game of all time, and there’s no way I’m not getting this bugger day one. Day One! And it’s launching on console and PC at once. The next decade of my life disappears here.

Perfect Dark (The Initiative/Crystal Dynamics): I wasn’t expecting to see proper gameplay of this long-awaited title, especially given the rumours of troubled development. The original game is an all-timer for me, so I’m a bit nervous that in “modernising” it they’ll lose the elements I love. But this is so, so promising: it looks like there’s a proper mission structure, with gadgets and infiltration, but perhaps a more emergent style of gameplay, coupled with some first-person parkour. Early days – I’m guessing it’s a 2026 release – but optimistic. Even if I doubt we’ll see Elvis back.

Fable (Playground Games): I nearly didn’t include this as I don’t feel it did much more than, well, show a bit more. It already looked like Playground had nailed the irreverent British humour, and the realistic, naturalistic graphics continue to look fantastic. We got – I believe – some proper gameplay here, and, well, it looks like Fable. Knowing it’s coming within the next eighteen months is tantalising.

Mixtape (Beethoven and Dinosaur): I always get really excited by adventure games, even if I tend to drift away from them before completion for some dumb reason. But hopefully Mixtape’s, er, mix of groovy nineties nostalgia, teen movie drama, and stylised jerky animation – at times like stop-motion, at others like it’s “animated on twos” – plus a phenomenal soundtrack, will burrow it into my must-play list. Also: Life is Strange: Double Exposure has reminded me that I must go back and complete the first game.

Winter Burrow (Pine Creek Games): basically Stardew Valley meets Brambley Edge, this gorgeous-looking farm/life sim about teeny tiny mice is the sort of potential time-sink that can devour families. It doesn’t look like it’s doing anything new, but it’s doing it with such style. And the wintry, melancholy tone of the trailer is giving me The Secret of NIMH vibes, which ain’t no bad thing.

Age of Mythology: Retold (World’s Edge): I had the first game, twenty-odd years ago; I think I bought it for my wife (we weren’t married back then, mind) because we both loved the Age of Empires series. But a crazier, more bombastic, mythology-flavoured version of Age, with the dynastic equivalent of superweapons, is right up my pantheon. Plus it’s all modern and pretty now, and the team’s recent Age of Empires IV was superb.

Screenbound (Crescent Moon Games): one that had been shown off before, but it was part of the Day of the Devs session, so I’m including it; because its trippy mechanic is worth looking at over and over. Basically, you simultaneously control a character moving in 3D space as well as a character moving in a 2D level on a GameBoy-style handheld. How it works, I dunno; but colour me intrigued.

Petal Runner (Nano Park Studios): the sort of groovy RPG that I’d love to devote time to, but will probably just play for an hour (I’m sorry, Cassette Beasts and Sea of Stars). But outside of the bizarre, Pokémon-delivery mechanic, it takes the 8-bit aesthetic to new heights by giving us, essentially, a lost GameBoy game, complete with pixelated four-colour graphics. Fascinating!

Indiana Jones and the Great Circle (Machine Head): I’ll be honest, I don’t think this game looks amazing; I think it’ll be entirely entertaining from start to finish, just a great, fun time. It’s not flat-out gorgeous, the gameplay doesn’t look particularly innovative, and I’m not sold on the whip. But I just think it’ll be really enjoyable, a good time. Plus they’ve utterly, totalled nailed the Indiana Jones-ness of it, especially with Troy Baker’s uncanny Harrison Ford impression. It won’t be game of the year, but I can’t wait to play it.

Astro Bot (Team Asobi): propping up the list because I don’t actually have a PS5, but this game still looks adorable. It feels like these sorts of platformers are very rare outside of Nintendo, so I’m glad Sony are going full-bore mascot-jumping-game. It’s also cute how it’s just an advert for PlayStation, up to and including a spaceship that’s literally a PS5. Come on, Microsoft; give us a self-referential Banjo Threeie!

Just bubbling under is The Plucky Squire, which looks adorable, innovative, and fantastic, but which I’m discounting as I’m not sure if was officially shown as part of one of these showcase events, and was “just” previewed to press. Seeing as it was previously revealed and I’ve already seen footage of its quirky 2D-then-3D dynamic, I’ve decided not to allow it into the list proper. Basically, there were loads of games I wanted to mention, and this way I get a sneaky 11th one, so it’s all good.

[formalpeacaps]

2/18/24 Recap

Youuuu guyyyys!!! What a response to my last recap, I was blown away. You’re all so very very lovely, every single one of you, and I missed you all very very much.

Unfortunately while I would LOVE for this to devolve into a sleepover where we all braid each other’s hair and play MASH and pretend we know how to do palmistry, we have an actual job here, which is recapping a Connecticut vlog. I was considering recapping the Dallas vlog, but all you need to know about that is that Paige goes to Dallas, decides she has nothing to wear, goes shopping at Urban Outfitters, and Tommy wins the tournament. It’s nine minutes of pure nothing, while this is a whole 23 minutes of more fonts than substance. Shall we get into it?

I don’t know if it was me or actual copyright threats from YouTube (guessing it was YouTube tbh), but I always make sure to be even-handed and note when Paige does good things, so genuinely glad she learned to use copyright-free music! Yay, learning! She’s still terrible at mindfully pairing music and scene to create an actual vibe, but at least she’s doing that legally. Attagirl! We love character growth!

She immediately follows that up with a title card for “A Cozy Winter Home Vlog by Paige” that’s FOUR, count them FOUR different fonts. They’re different fonts, different weights, different colors, some are italic and some are bold and she’s testing me. I can FEEL her daring me to screencap this so I will get this sub banned, but I won’t fall for it.

Also in the spirit of being nice to Paige, I love the color of dusty sage in her intro Paige is wearing. Both in general and on her. Piling on the nice things because I don’t think I’ll have anything nice to say for the next 20-odd minutes.

It feels important to be making compliment sandwiches right around now because boy can you tell Paige is fragile. She yammers for a bit about how she hasn’t been “home’ and how she “loves” the Florida home (uh huh) but how it’s not the same as Connecticut and how lonely the house feels without Olivia. Miss Girl has gone and flown too close to the sun, and I’m going to just hope that for her sake, the worst outcome of her hubris is that she randomly comes home for a month and makes like four extremely boring vlogs in a row about the importance of mental health and how important it is to take breaks when you’re as hard working as she is and Nance sort of haunts the background, cleaning up Paige’s mess. 

We can tell this is incoming because Paige’s friend from the barn who is vaguely normal looking and normal-shaped is around this ENTIRE VLOG. Like I’m not going to note she’s here because I don’t remember her name and she adds nothing, but Paige is of course never ever alone.

Is my eye twitching when Paige goes on about how she wouldn’t want to have to choose between her work and “all of these things that make me so happy?” Am I holding back a rant about how her idea of work-life balance and her ability to do claim buying fancy cheese and touching fabric samples is hard work is thanks entirely to her very privileged background? Yes. But whenever I do that Paige inevitably in the next few weeks will hollowly say something about how she’s sooooooo aware of her privilege and then have some sort of discussion on how she’s such a role model in spite of it because of her mindful work ethic or whatever and not because of her privilege, since she clearly doesn’t understand what privilege is, she’s just aware it’s a thing she has to verbally note in order to not be completely booed and pelted with tomatoes. I just don’t have the patience to sit through that and break down how contradictory that is. Not again.

“I feel like a lot of young people, working people, wouldn’t necessarily prioritize living in the suburbs” OH NO, nope, never mind, I was just holding my fire. Ma’am. MA’AM. It’s not about PRIORITIZING, it’s that the suburbs are VERY EXPENSIVE. A “cozy house” is PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE. 

“I get it, sometimes it’s a lot easier to live in a high rise” I’m going to scream. I. She really thinks it’s about ease. She really just…… has no clue. She has literally never talked to a normal person or had empathy in her entire life. I’m just gonna take a screaming break. Please hold.

Paige goes to the barn and loves on Navy, then sighs over Louie having Laminitis. I’m not a horse girl so this required some extensive googling, but considering how all her animals seem to get terrible diseases no one could see coming but also everyone could see coming, I have my suspicions.

Paige shows us how organized her closet of sweatshirts is and she literally owns more sweatshirts than I own articles of clothing total.

Oh boy our favorite, PR unboxing ie: undisclosed ads that Paige isn’t grateful for and “donates” (claims she donates everything to a women’s shelter and/or local church, but hasn’t she been caught selling stuff on depop?). The cynic in me bets this is a double dip charity tax write off - she gets the stuff for free and uses it to try and secure brand deals, and then makes money by claiming it as a charitable donation.

Paige also claims the reason shce’s not going to Acapulco out of the goodness of her heart because there was a really bad hurricane and they’re still recovering, but then she drops that she actually has a photoshoot (hah hah oops if only she had people she paid to manage her calendar!). Though in fairness to Paige, when I googled Acapulco to make sure I was spelling it correctly, they did say they were recovering faster than expected and had rebuilt more hotel rooms than they were on target for, but that was before yesterday, when after Paige filmed this they were hit by a magnitude 5.0 earthquake, which isn’t that strong but strong enough to cause minor damage especially to hastily done construction, so. There’s PR from:

Guizio, it’s this set which she somehow thinks will make a great tennis match outfit???? That is for wearing to a Little Bo Peep-themed burlesque performance and nothing else. I don’t currently have time to make suggestions for Paige to wear because she’s only ever going to disappoint me, but this is to just let Paige know that she could win SO MUCH GOODWILL WITH ME if she wore something that was like a SMIDGE of a nod to all the upcoming locations and showed the TINIEST bit of personality.

Stuff from [Editor's note: this list was so long Tumblr refused to post it due to character limits]. part of me was jealous and then I remembered how much anxiety I get when I get a free sample of anything because having too much stuff causes my ADHD to go nuts so actually no, I’m fine not having (gestures) any of that. Call me when Trader Joe’s or L.L. Beans are sending out PR packages and otherwise I’m all good, thank you very much. Anyway at this point I lost track of all the garbage Paige is pretending to be grateful for. Bulgari is in there somewhere. Who knows who cares.

We watch Tommy’s match, we make the same unwashed veggie salad as always. The next day, Paige is wearing a very nice evergreen colored coat or something which is a color I wish she’d wear more because it looks great on her. Unfortunately she wears this as she tries to soften me up for her shipping one of her EXTRA CARS off to LA because it’s soooo difficult to get around LA without one and I just…. Phew. Deep breaths we all understand capitalism is a prison and meritocracy is a myth! Moving on!

Paige is in the car with the unnamed friend and we learn that Paige will not sing which THANK GOD. A fun bit of Pea lore is that I went to a school with a huge theater program (it will shock none of you to know that while I have a good voice and took vocal lessons for fun, I can’t dance and hated being on stage so much that instead of actually performing I always did stage crew instead), and I have said in SO MANY DMs that the only thing that could make Paige more insufferable is if she thought she was a musician. Like imagine if on top of everything about Paige she had Glee Kid Energy. IMAGINE. Think of the bullets we all have dodged.

Navy gets moved to “a little camp” for training. He’s apparently the happiest he’s ever been which like no shit, people are actually taking care of and paying attention to him. I don’t want to shock you all but the trainers said Navy was very poorly trained, so I’m glad Paige has been riding him without a helmet and keeping him for the aesthetic, this all reflects very well on her.

Paige’s parents come over and she makes all the same shit as always, a fifth font is added in the ending card, goodbye until next time.

[yeah-they-call-me-d]

honestly, i have tried to not let it bother me but the fact that k was already dating someone 2 months after we broke up is kind of atrocious to me. what was the point of making s scene. waking me up 6 am to yell at me and realize you absolutely fucked me. you had bitches lined up bro. YOU KNEW this shit was over too. you wouldNt have been makin your fucking contingency plan. or maybe you negated to listen when i would say “i just don’t feel like we’re close anymore” and then you proceed to do nothing. i don’t even care that you did nothing, honestly, it isn’t the part that bothers me. it’s you doing nothing but proceeding to pretend to give s fuck and then instantly a day later you’re on dating apps. yeah what i did was gross, but at least it was someone that i have genuinely loved/been in love with. honestly; maybe mine is worse. i went into a relationship knowing i was still in love with someone else. i took the option that felt safer to me. in all honesty, it really wasn’t much more safe because i look at shit i have posted, old text convos with cara, with a*****, and i was so unhappy. the fact that of all the things i said. the thing that i said to a***** about i would never marry someone without a prenup, and you saying that hurt the most to me really fucked me up.

i don’t get that honestly. why the fuck were you with me? i’m so tired of feeling like the mother fucker that can help get people out of bad situations. honestly, at this point, i probably don’t even have the right to ask. the thing is you hate HIM for agreeing with me. brother, i have so much to lose and i don’t trust that a singular person actually fucking likes me. also, to be completely honest, you can be upset about what i said to *******, but what in the actual fuck are you doin in my phone lookin at what a***** and i are fuckin talking about. i lost every single person in my life defending you in our relationship. i’m lucky that ****** came in and swooped me into a solid friend group because they have done a really good job of keeping me stable. my boy j**** on the other hand has stoked the fire within me to do everything i shouldn’t.

i am so tired of things interfering with my life. i am so tired of me, myself, being the biggest interference. imagine i had just shut my fucking mouth. imagine that i just let it fucking go and left you alone. maybe you would have come back. i keep shooting myself in the foot because i freak the fuck out. i pushed you so far away by never being able to shut my fucking mouth with you. i have truly devolved into exactly what i have been avoiding for so long. i wish i could have continued on the same path of never loving and maybe things would be better. i fell in love with the thing i could never have. to love you has been the best and worst feelings i have ever had. to love you and be around you was a feeling i’ve never experienced. it was happiness. contentment. to love you and be away from you was the worst fucking thing i have ever experienced. there were times before this year that it hurt, but this time around hit me far differently. i think that’s probably because for the first time, i realized that every single issue was always my fault. you tried your best and i was never content with that. but then, i get confused because your worst with other people was sometimes better than the best of what i got. i fell so deeply in love with you that the more you pushed the more i pulled. you did not like that. you ask for space over and over and over again. why can i leave everyone alone for eternity and feel nothing, then it comes to you and my foundation starts to crack. you aren’t responsible for holding my ass together. why do i let that be the case? why do i put this weird pressure on you that i need you? why do i need you? i have gone so long being okay with being alone. i sat in a five year relationship having a physical body, but being completely alone in my mind. why this time, did i cling so hard to you? it was never fair to you. none of this ever was. i am undeserving of your love. i am 26. i act like a 16 year old emotionally.

why do i have to be in love with you? i really don’t understand this. i don’t want to love. all that this has done has made me hurt myself. compare myself to others. try to be what you want. i don’t even know who i am half of the time. i am tired of having two voices in my head and neither of them feel like me. for some reason, being around you made me feel more myself than i have been in so long. i have never been comfortable where i land. everytime i end somewhere new it feels uncomfortably foreign. why can you see through my façade? i don’t want to be seen. why can you see through it, but no one else can? i feel i have given you less of a taste than others, but you still call me out immediately before i even realize i am doing something. why do you make me feel understood? why is it that in a room full of people, i can feel completely alone, but in a room with just you i feel full inside? what is wrong with me?

i’ve never thought that i was actually capable of being in love. i didn’t know love was an emotion in my repertoire. i thought that i had a heart of stone. i thought i could manipulate my way through life, never actually having to feel. there has never been a desire to feel. i can tell you that i have gone the majority of my life not feeling. it was always concerning to my mom. in high school i just turned my emotions off. my mom saw the light you created in me. she was never entirely comfortable with me being gay. i would talk to her about you and i could see her recoil at the thought. then one day, it switched. she saw this light inside of me that had been burnt out for so long. it made her happy. it made me feel something. i honestly don’t know that i had ever experienced a real emotion until i met you. i feel like i have always reacted in the way that people around me acted in situations. when people die around me, i don’t cry because i feel something. i cry because i know that’s what you are supposed to do. i have never cried real genuine tears until you left the first time. it sucks even more so because i have done increasingly dangerous things to feel something. or maybe it is stop feeling. how do i turn off what i did not turn on? i don’t even know what switch flipped. i just know it being on is making me a little insane. i wish you would just say you love me. i wish you would just come back. i don’t mind feeling, its nice sometimes, but this has been the opposite of nice. i am so scared and sad and nervous. why, for the love of god, why me?

i’m going to actually follow through and go ghost for a little bit. maybe forever. i just need some silence in my head and i don’t think i am allowing for myself to have that. maybe a week, a month, a year. idrk. i am shattering and i want someone to load the gun so i can pull the trigger. that will tell me it is okay to do. i know a few avenues that i can receive that from so i may go put my nose in more places it doesn’t belong. it won’t feel the same but if i pretend it could be the correct size.

[unseededtoast]

Antedate | Bucky Barnes

Part 8/13 | Part Seven, Part Nine

Summary: Sometimes making the right decision feels like the wrong one. That decision can stick with you for years and leave you wondering what would happen if you had chosen something else. But the alternatives likely lead to a much darker path; you'll never know for sure though. One thing is for certain, the decisions I have made will have lasting consequences.

Prequel to Rectify

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, physical and mental abuse, mention and description of death

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"We need them to feel secure, it's the only way we'll be able to pull this off."

I rub my eyes and close the cover of the heavy book in front of me. I look at the watch on my wrist and see I'm late for the dinner tonight. Hurriedly, I rush through the halls, fixing my hair as I go. I know neither my father nor Dane are going to be too delighted with my tardiness. As I near the dining room I slow my pace and gain some composure.

I round the corner and see my father, Dane, and two other men standing around talking. I don't know who they are, I just know they're important enough to have a private dinner with us tonight. I plaster a smile on my face and extend my hand to greet the two of them.

"Here she is, as I was saying this is my daughter, Adalyn." I can sense the tension in my father's voice but I ignore him as I welcome our guests.

"It was well worth the wait to meet you, miss Averina." One of the men say with a smile. I can tell I already don't like either of them, but that's nothing new. I rarely ever like anyone in this place.

We all walk into the room and take our seats at the table, my father sitting at the head. There are finely dressed agents who come and serve us water. I place the napkin on the table in my lap and wait for the others to start conversation. I'm here just for formality purposes, I'm not supposed to talk unless I'm spoken to.

The men talk about trivial things to fill the air before they get down to business. I have a feeling I know what this meeting is about but I don't understand why it's being made into such a production. We've done hundreds, if not thousands, of contracts over the past three years.

The agents come and serve the meal to us, which looks to be chicken, vegetables, and a baked potato. I've definitely had worse before. I wait for the others to begin eating before I do, again, just as a formality thing.

The past three years have allowed me to perfect the art of seeming like I'm paying attention. In reality, my mind is wandering off elsewhere. My life has devolved into going on contract missions, taking care of the Soldier, and trying to avoid Dane as much as I possibly can. Thankfully, my father never actually forced me to go through with a legitimate marriage to Dane. But, I am of age now and am nervous to see if it gets brought up.

I've spent a majority of the free time I have in the Soldier's room, studying and reading books. That room is the only true safe haven I have in this place, Dane never comes into the Soldier's room. I've mainly read about and studied the human mind, it's really fascinating when I'm not being pressured to learn it.

"How was your day today, darling?" Dane speaks in a false cheerful tone. I snap back to reality and smile smally, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

"It was interesting. I did a lot of studying today." I keep my answer short and sweet. My father nods his head,

"My daughter here is a prodigy. She's always had a talent for understanding the mind. She's the mastermind behind the Winter Soldier." I'm slightly surprised to hear my father giving me credit. Although, by complimenting me, he's also complimenting himself in a way. The guests smile,

"That's amazing. We heard rumors a few years ago about the Soldier, it's a pleasure to meet the mind behind the weapon." I smile and nod, but feel the fire run through my veins. He is not a weapon.

"Speaking of the Soldier, should we get to business?" My father dives into the contract. I zone out and take small bites of the food in front of me.

The men speak for what feels like an eternity, discussing the most intricate details. This must be quite the contract. I tune back into their conversation and try to catch up on what I missed. I hear them talk about multiple targets. The most we've ever taken on is four targets at a time, after that it gets difficult to manage the scene and make sure there are no witnesses left.

"I think we can make that happen. We just need to get one or two of our men in there to set up cameras. We need to know that they'll be there just as you say." My father laces his fingers together on the table. The two guests nod their head.

"Rest assured that they will be there. They always travel with the leader." I look between the four men at the table. I see my father's face break out into a smile and he extends his hand to one of them men.

"We can do it. Allow my daughter to show you the asset." My eyebrows draw close together. We never show clients the Soldier.

"Show them the Soldier?" I question. Both Dane and my father give me a stern look. I just nod my head and go with it.

"Of course. Right this way gentlemen." I speak and rise from the table. The two men follow me out of the room and I lead them down the halls. This all seems very odd to me. I make small talk with them to try and get more information.

"So, where are you two handsome men from?" I ask.

"We are from another organization with similar interests to Hydra." Is all the answer I get. My father must have some ulterior motive to all of this. I nod my head

"I see. Well, rest assured that we will be able to take care of your issues." I say and we walk the rest of the way in silence. I open the door to the Soldier and we all step in. I will not be getting him out of cryogenesis, they will have to settle for seeing him in the chamber.

The men take turns looking into the chamber where the Soldier waits to be activated. I see the two of them look at each other, and I can tell there's something there, there's something they aren't saying. They quickly turn their attention to me and smile,

"He is everything we've heard of." I usher them out of the room as they speak, feeling uneasy about them.

"He is the most elite and efficient in the world." I say and lock the door behind us all. I take them back to my father, who has Dane escort them out of the base. Once the three of them are gone I turn to my father.

"Who are they?" I ask. My father scoffs with a smirk on his face.

"They are two fools. They are from another organization, quite small, that is infringing on some of Hydra's territory in the southern region. Not only are we going to take out the targets they specified, but we're taking them out too. I've already received their payment." I nod, that makes more sense. My father lulled them into a false sense of safety, they'll never see it coming. He's only acting in the interest of his own power.

"I see, how many targets in total?" I ask. My father drinks the rest of the water in his glass and sets it on the table heavily.

"Eight." My eyebrows shoot up.

"That's double what we've done." I say. My father's face grows darker and he walks towards me. His temper is so short these days, the least little things sets him off.

"You are in no position to question me, girl. You've got some nerve, that's for sure. Showing up late, questioning me. You're despicable. You are to make sure the asset stays in tip top shape and follow my command. You need to learn your place." He says and spits at my feet. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from saying or doing anything further.

Without another word, I turn on my heel and leave the room, going back to my own. I hope and pray that Dane doesn't make an appearance tonight. It's never a good thing when he comes to my room.

I put my shoes by the door and sit in my old chair. Some of the springs are starting to poke through the upholstery, but I refuse to get rid of it. I think about the contract my father just set up. I know the Soldier can handle eight targets, but I worry that my father is beginning to lose his mind. It's going to be difficult to keep our cover with that many targets. He's become so consumed with power in the past few years, I feel as if Dane sometimes grows tired of him. However, Dane has grown into more of a monster himself as well.

Speaking of the devil, my door opens and in steps Dane. I stare at him with a blank expression. I know what's coming. He motions for me to join him and I sit on the edge of the bed next to him. I stare at my hands in my lap, trying to dissociate from reality.

"You know, you shouldn't have questioned your father in there, about showing them the Soldier." He says, but I'm only half paying attention. He turns his body towards mine and I look up into his eyes.

"Why's that?" I ask.

"Because if they sense something is wrong they'll back out of the deal. We need them to feel secure, it's the only way we'll be able to pull this off." He says and I nod, faking being interested.

"It'll work out, don't worry." I say in a bored tone. Dane sits in silence for a few moments. I see him clench and unclench his fists a few times before he abruptly stands from the bed. I flinch back slightly, not expecting his outburst.

"I am getting so sick and tired of your attitude lately. You have no respect anymore. Do you forget that you belong to me?" He says and leans in close to my face. I blink a few times. Dane puts a hand around my throat and starts squeezing it, making it so that I can't breathe.

I try to pry his hand off my throat, but he only tightens his grip. His eyes are almost black with anger. I start seeing spots in my peripheral vision and feel Dane's other hand start exploring my body. I try to fight him off, but he's far too strong. He's never fully choked me out before, not yet at least.

I gasp and choke for air as I feel him start to forcefully undress me. With the little bit of strength I have left, I try to fight him off but I know it's no use. My eyes grow heavier and heavier, and my vision fades to black. I'm at his will fully and completely.

I blink my eyes open and look around the room. My throat burns with each breath and I touch my throat, recalling what Dane did to me. I look over myself and notice that I'm not dressed the way I was when I came to my room. I tumble out of the bed and throw up into the trashcan next to my vanity. He's never taken things this far, this is a whole new extreme.

I wipe my mouth and see him sleeping in my bed. Fire runs through my veins as I look at him, sleeping as if he hadn't just choked me out and violated me. I've grown used to him violating my body, but never has he inflicted this much physical damage.

With seething rage flowing through my body, I make my way to the Soldier's room, the one place I know I'll be safe. I sit in the chair in front of the desk and rest my head on the cool wood. I'm growing evermore tired of the abuse as the days pass by, but I can't bring myself to leave the Soldier. I'm the only one who looks out for him here. I'm the only one who knows how he works. 

I raise my head off the desk as an idea comes to me. It might not be the best idea I've ever had, but it might just work.