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#and a handful of things i wont even tell my therapist
psychoticwillgraham · 8 months
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deleted the post about my ex bc he very well could send his friends to my blog to ask me why I blocked him and I don’t wanna take any chances. i don’t think i have to change my url rn bc i rlly don’t think he knows this one but if it suddenly changes then that’s why.
still blocked him on literally everything though and after 12 years of being victimized by him, I’ve taken back my agency and said enough’s enough, we’re done.
am i currently extremely paranoid that he’ll send his friends to my house or he’ll come here himself or send me a letter asking why I’ve ceased contact with him? and that he might find my blog and harass me? oh fucking absolutely. is that stopping me? absolutely fucking not. I’m tired of being abused and it’s finally time to close the book on that last part of my life before grandma’s death.
i hope i made you proud, grandma.
i’m finally fucking free
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bulbabutt · 1 year
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if i can be corny for a second i wanna talk about the greatest strengths of the 2003 tmnt series and why it speaks to me (esp as a queer person)
so i might have alluded to this before, but let me say it outright: each show is definitely a product of its time, and the ideals of whatever generation its from. whether talking about the humour, the story, the dialogue etc, its always important to remember that these shows will always come off in a way due to the generation theyre from. and thats not a bad thing! it just means its important to think about them from that perspective.
2003 is a show of my generation growing up, and a thing about that era that maybe some people younger than me wont understand is there is so much more language commonly available to describe yourself now than there was then. you can take this in any context; mental health, sexuality, gender identity, or even just the ability to describe your relationships with more (idk if this will be the right word) therapist language.
in 03 we have a family unit of splinter and his sons, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. we have a splinter who hasnt opened up to his sons about the trauma hes experienced, but not in a way of shutting them out, simply because it isnt their responsibility to know as they are teenagers. he tells them of the mutagen that created them, but not of his past with his master yoshi, who he calls father when by himself, but never around his sons which is just an interesting concept to think about.
(i do not intent this next sentence as ragging on the two shows after this when i say it, simply from a character standpoint) this is the splinter who completely doesnt make his problems his sons problems, but he also is very willing to tell them the truth when he knows they're ready. this is is the most idyllic version of splitner out of all of them, even when comparing to his mirage counterpart (who hes the most based on) due to that splinter raising them to be ninja specifically to make them fight shredder. this one is just their father who loves them and wants to keep them safe the best way he can, and he was never a human in the first place to even know how to be that. so this whole family dynamic starts with him, and the way he raised his sons reflects his parenting.
so, the setting and year this show is made is 2003. something very relatable here is how there isnt a lot of language for the personality quirks of the turtles. there's so much evidence here for mikey having adhd, his brothers will say things like "why doesnt mikey have to help?" and the answer is "well, he'd be bored. and whats worse, mikey not helping or mikey being bored?" its this beautiful moment of, "hey, we know its not fair, but thats how mikey is, and its better for everyone if we just respect that thats how he is" mikey cant keep his hands off stuff, they know this they dont yell at him for behaving that way, they just stop him. this coding feels the most specific, but like i said. its 2003. we dont have the words to describe what this is yet, and if we do its not common knowledge.
another example is in the classic episode where raphael meets casey jones. raphael is sparring with mikey, and he lashes out and nearly kills mikey. everyone reacts to this by getting him to stop, and no one is more upset than raphael himself. they all tell him to go get some air, which he does. theres no moment of any of them screaming at him for losing his temper, its very clear that they all know he's going to do that himself. and he does go get some air. they all know thats what he needs. he goes and meets casey jones, another hot head, and raph has to help coach this hot head on his anger. when he comes back at the end of the episode after having let out that aggression, he apologizes and no one is upset with him. there's a very clear understanding among his family that he cannot help it, but the best thing they can do is give him his space when he needs it. watching this from a 2023 perspective (20 years later) im sure we could analyze this as a few things going on with raph, my mind comes to autism but at the end of the day it doesnt matter why he behaves like this, the point is that he does and the best thing his family does is just...help him. which they do. and they never hold it against him.
when leo is going through his ptsd arc hes at his closest to raph as a character, the show draws a lot of parallels (like having him go let out some aggression with casey) and we get to see the dynamic in reverse. in "i, monster" (the rat king episode) leo is losing it, taking on rat king alone and not wanting to let up. raphael is actively holding his brothers back when they say "we shouldnt leave him to fight alone", raphael says "if leo gets in trouble i'm the first one in there, but right now it looks like leo's got more than one monster to work out of his system" raph doesn't exactly know what leos going through, but he recognizes it. he knows he needs to fight alone, so raph lets him. its only when the building collapses and leo is no longer in a safe position that he says "leo lets go", which leo wordlessly agrees with and actually listens.
this is what i think is the best part of these guys, the unconditional understanding they have for the way they are. we still have our "raphs a big hot head" "mikeys annoying" jokes, but they feel like genuine good natured sibling ribbing because they know each other on that level.
and to go back to the fact that this show is set in 2003, there's something so specific about the way mikey constantly makes references to liking women's clothing, to being fine with feminine language, and to being open about being the pretty turtle who "has that effect on minds of men" speaks to me as a queer person. this could easily be intended as homophobic jokes and probably is, because again.... its the mid 2000s, thats very much what media was like, thats what the jokes were. especially with the girly screams mikey does being one of the first jokes of this nature.
but theres something that happens in season 4, where an alien is attacking mikey, and donnie rushes in and says "hey, thats my sibling" that sticks out. and it happens again in fast forward. when talking to the dark turtles leo says "you and your brothers" "me and my siblings"
because of the way this family unit just understands each other without ever having a conversation about things, it feels like its not a joke. theres some kind of affirmation happening here. even if it seems like i could be reading into it too much, its specific! and it keeps happening!
and by the end of the show, when mikey says he wants to be maid of honour, even if that line in the media itself was intended to be a joke, no one in their family treats it like one. of course mikey is the maid of honour, he asked to be one! the only real offence taken is when april says bride's maid, to which he is offended because hes so much more important than that!
so from a story standpoint, this show doesnt have the intricate complexities and butting heads of latter iterations, there isnt much relationship growth to be had (in fact once we get to around season 5 the flanderization of the characters kind of begins and it loses some of the more complexities) but thats because its just not the focus of the story! the story is more about what they go through together, and thats fine! thats what our shows kind of were at the time. not saying there isnt any relationship growth, but its very much not the focus because these turtles? they already understand each other in a healthy way.
so to me, these guys are kind of the most wholesome family unit
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misfithive · 1 year
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What Simon can teach us about boundaries!
Been seeing a lot of Simon hate again lately (mostly on other apps but i’m sure its here too) and it's getting pretty frustrating and honestly a little bit troubling that people think so little of Simon and his needs.
Simon hate feels like some weird connection to the patriarchy/heteronormativity where some people have just decided that it is okay for one person's needs to be ignored in a relationship in order to satisfy the other. Lisa seemed to intentionally try and create a dynamic in their relationship where they see each other as equals. They may struggle to see each others perspectives at times but that is true for literally ANY RELATIONSHIP where two people come together from different walks of life. Both their needs matter and their journey in the relationship is to figure out how to honor the other persons needs while honoring themselves or see if that is even possible.
Sooo I wanted to share some lessons about boundaries that people could learn through Simon instead of talking sh!t about him !!!
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1. Boundaries are about what we want and need in a relationship. Sometimes people want different things and thats ok!
People love to say that Simon forced Wilhelm to come out. I even saw someone say that Simon was asking Wilhelm to "give up his family and the throne". No where does Simon ask him to do any of those things. Notice how Simon says "I don't want to be anyones secret"? This is not just about Wille. This is a boundary that he has for himself and the types of relationships that he wants to have. Everyone is allowed to have expectations or want a certain type of relationship. Saying you don’t want to be in a secret relationship is quite a reasonable request. It is also quite reasonable to say that you don't want to be in a public relationship. Sometimes in relationships, what two people need is incompatible at the time which is why it made sense for them to end things. That is the point- for both people to say what they need to feel comfortable and sometimes other people cannot meet your needs- you have to decide if that is a dealbreaker and for Simon at the time it was.
2. Boundaries ≠ manipulation
He tells Wilhelm he take as much time as he needs but you have to do it alone. That is a boundary it is NOT manipulation. He does not try to control Wilhelm or tell Wilhelm what to do. Saying a relationship wont work for you unless certain needs are met or that you dont want to do tons of emotional labor for another person is not manipulation. He is saying I am not okay with being a secret, I am not okay with having my trust broken, i’m not okay with being in a relationship where you say one thing and do another (Wilhelm made a promise he could not keep and even he has owned up to that to Nils). Simon is not saying YOU HAVE TO COME OUT RIGHT NOW OR ELSE. He is not playing mind games or trying to get Wilhelm to change his mind in order to be with him. He is willing to walk away even tho his heart is breaking because he knows it is not possible at that point for Wille and him to get on the same page.
Boundaries have become part of social media language lately thanks to instagram therapists and the like but a lot of people have misconstrued the meaning. Some people call something a boundary when they are actually being controlling. However the purpose of a boundary is about what you yourself are comfortable with, not what other people can/cannot do. Ex: “i am okay with holding hands in public but otherwise I don’t feel comfortable with PDA” (healthy boundary). Vs “you can’t have guy friends because I get jealous” (unhealthy boundary). Boundaries are healthy and necessary for a relationship to be healthy- they are not the same as manipulation or trying to control someone else.
3. What is okay for you does not have to be okay for someone else. Everyone’s boundaries are different because we are all different people with different traumas, needs, experiences, relationships, and limits. I have seen people compare the Wilmon to Narlie where Charlie is okay with Nick wanting to keep things “secret”. Besides the fact that this is a completely different relationship and context, the fun thing about boundaries is that what is okay for you does not have to be okay for someone else! Just because you would have been willing to be Wilhelm’s secret if he asked does not mean that Simon has to. Just because Charlie was willing to to do that for Nick does not mean that Simon has to. Not to mention !!! Nick also acknowledged that is not fair to Charlie and outside of not telling people they had a very loving smooth sailing relationship - people expect Simon to be like Charlie without acknowledging that Wilhelm is not giving the level of trust and security that Nick is. If you want to go there, I'm sure if Wille was acting like Nick being consistent not saying "i'm not like that", "delete my number" etc (regardless of the reason) then maybe Simon would have been more okay with it. This is not Wille hate bc i get it, but sometimes in empathizing with Wille people forget that Simon is a whole human with wants and needs. Simon needs to protect himself and his heart. We all do. Relationships should not require you to subject yourself to pain for someone else. It is healthy to have boundaries and know your needs and what you deserve. And at that point in time Wille could not give him that. Most people watching were quite proud of Simon for that so idk how the narrative got turned to him being selfish.
4. Boundaries can change
It is normal to reassess your boundaries, that does not make them any less valid. Clearly for Simon, once Wilhelm proved his trust more and and Simon reevaluated what he wanted, he decided that he was willing to be a secret if that meant having each other. If he never decided that, it still would have been totally valid. Also noting, there was no compromise/meet in the middle there in Simon deciding that he was willing to be a secret for Wille. It's just funny that Simon is getting the flack for not wanting to "compromise" or meet in the middle when in the end, Simon was willing to do exactly what Wille wanted and he gets ZERO credit from some people for that. Luckily Wilhelm sees what a sacrifice this is for Simon and does not leave Simon to sacrifice alone.
4. Boundaries protect the relationship, build trust and help relationships grow
If Simon had never stood his ground both in s1e6 and throughout s2 Wille would have likely continued the way he was going bc it was comfortable for him and he was understandably scared. They probably would have gotten in even more arguments and honestly i do not think Wille would have been forced to mature and consider Simons feelings in the way he eventually did. I know people resist Edvin calling Wille selfish but Simon has to constantly keep telling Wille “what about me? What about my family? Do you see how hard this is for me?” For some reason viewers are interpreting that as selfish ?? In a relationship you really should not have to be constantly reminding someone to consider you and your feelings.
Simon setting boundaries and saying what he wanted only made their relationship stronger even tho they had to take some time apart. Protecting yourself and wanting a healthy balanced relationship where your needs are considered as much as the other person’s is not selfish. And anyone who tells you that it is does not have your best intentions at heart. Simon is not saying his needs are MORE important than Wille’s he is saying that his needs matter TOO and are EQUALLY IMPORTANT to Wille’s. Which was the journey he needed to go on (as stated by his sister) and the journey that Wille needed to go on as well in order to create a healthy dynamic together.
Setting boundaries is hard but worth it in the end!!!
So yeah! I hope you all set some boundaries today or use this info to argue with simon antis 💖
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Disclaimer// I am not a therapist i just do workshops with teens about healthy relationships and it is a passion of mine.
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river13245 · 5 months
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Congrats on 200 followers!!
❤️ - pick a series/movie and give me a description of what you are like and I will tell you who I ship you with.
Supernatural please!
I love reading, my favorite genres are poetry, Russian lit, and mysteries! I love learning about new things and knowing a little bit of everything. I adore adventures, witty and playful banter, joking around and having indepth discussions on anything and everything! I adore all forms of art and I have quite a few creative hobbies! I listen to a lot of modern/indie rock and I love watching films very much! It takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people but once I do, I become really talkative and outgoing. I love helping out and I'm the therapist friend, people come to me to vent or for advice and comfort. I'm smart and ambitious; I love being the best at everything I do. I'm quite the hopeless romantic and I love being in love! I adore big and small romantic gestures and I love domesticity sm!! My love languages are acts of service and quality time.
Thank you!
Navigation/ 200 follower celebration
Dean Winchester
I ship you with Dean winchester. Personally I believe his love languages are acts of service and quality time. For acts of service I genuinely think that he would figure out how to cook your favorite meal. He would ask Sam if he knew how to make it and if he did he would teach him. Or if you fell asleep in baby he would lay his jacket over you and then wake you up gently walking with you to your shared bedroom. He would always make sure you were okay. Dean isn't one to verbally always make sure someones okay but when he reaches for your hand or places his hand on your thigh or arm. Wherever you were comfortable, the minute you place your hand on top of his makes him know your okay.
For quality time its hard to find a quiet moment. They are always going after something but don't worry he makes time. Growing up Dean had to make time for him and Sam whenever he could. So he's gotten used to doing things like that. He would maybe not take you on a date at a restaurant but he would get fast food and the both of you would sit inside baby and look at the stars. Or if one of you were sick or just wanted time in the bunker, he would watch scooby doo with you. Or even those cheesy chick flicks he pretends to hate. Not only would he do that but he would also listen to you about your books and ask Sam what books to get you if you all passed a library or something.
Dean also shows love through playful banter. He is a man that loves to joke and you love to do it back to him. There will hardly ever be a trip where the both of you wont banter back and forth. Sam pretends to hate it but you can always see the small smirk on his face from the backseat. Or the front seat whichever the arrangement is that day.
Even if Dean isn't a huge book reader I believe he likes art. He likes to look at art and even drawings. Personally I think he can draw. Maybe not perfectly but there's some talent there. So he will listen when you talk about your books and your hobbies and maybe..just maybe he would show you some small drawings of his. But if you pay attention in his journals you can see small doodles he does on the corners of the pages.
Don't even get me started on music. That's the first thing that really attracted him to you. When he had heard the kind of music coming from your headphones he knew you were the one. He wouldn't ever tell you that because he would find it cheesy but he knows. The only reason you knew was because Sam told you.
Dean isn't always a easy man to be around. There will be arguments and disagreements but all in all. The both of you find your way to each other and Dean will always be the first to apologize. Which is not easy for him. At the end of the day the both of you love each other.
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IM GOING TO KILL IM GOING TO KILL IM GOING TO KILL
Last night my roommate and I got some drinks- i shared some soju w him and hit the hay after packing away some stuff n tidying/rinsing etc
I leave at 9am this morning, 3 bottles of soju on the table, 2 cans of sprite and some snacks on the table "oh its fine, he knows im out im sure he'll tidy and throw out some of the counter rubbish for me :>"
Come home at 4pm
The only thing thats been done is the 8 dishes that were in the sink (lil cups, 2 bowls from dinner and cooking utensil) not including the pan on the stove
Nothing thrown away!! Im going crazy!!!!!!!!!
Be so fr gang, am i like. Blowing it out of proportion? Or is the fact that im the primary cleaner of the house insane.
Important note is that i have no choice but to be the person who does mostah the cleaning- because he sleeps 12 hours a day, waking up around 2 or 3 pm and not going to bed until 5 or 6 am.
I went away for 2 nights n i come home and hes like "oh i could finally get stuff done because im only productive at 4am"
Which hey man sure dude you do you i dont care what you do in yer free time-
But my ass isnt gonna go 'yes! Sure! You can vacuum and wash dishes late at night/early am! Even though it keeps me awake because i cant close my door!'
But i also dont want to end up being this dudes damn mother the fucking manchild doesnt even know how to mop properly- or vacuum properly! And he doesnt vac the carpet! Or wipe down the oven/benches after using em! Like cmon man!!
"Oh but maybe he didnt get taught!"
Dawg i am his roommate, at what point is it my responsibility to teach a whole entire dude how to take care of his surroundings. I saw his room when he moved out- it was bad. This dude borders of raw negligence of his surroundings, and if it wouldnt cause me the harm i would stop cleaning up after him just so hed suffer. And he leaves the tap running to wash dishes.
I dont know what i expected tbh- his parents built 2 houses for their kids next to their 2 storey spiral staircase chandelier having house.
Im fighting for my fuckin life over here- 300 rent a week, 125 a fortnight for a couch, 50 a month for wifi, etc while this dudes like "yeah i paid all my rent a month in advance, and i get my money from dividense" it makes me want to break his trachea.
Like lets be fr i am blatantly not a pleasant person, moreso in high doses, and moreso when i have to deal w someone who fucks their own life even when theyve gotten dealt the perfect hand of cards to do well.
Like, yeah man im sorry you cheated on your girlfriend of multiple years for 5 whole months then got sad about it and became an insomniac but im not gonna suffer your shit schedule and not sleep well because you wont see a therapist or take meds. Like is that my problem? To be clear im not a cunt to his face, but i am a cunt. And i am annoyed at him. Maybe i should commune like a normal person, but that involves me sitting this dude down to tell him he needs to pay attention to things like 'responsibility' and 'reasonable expectations'.
He had guests over a while ago and i ended up cooking for them all!! And cleaning up after them!! And making breakfast the next morning!! He apparently makes 1800 a fortnight and he spends almost all of that. He owes me money!! Sometimes i pay for groceries n he just has to pay me back! Like dude???
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pseudophan · 1 year
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if you don’t mind me asking, do you feel like therapy works for you at least in some capacity? to the point where a longer break makes you “lose it” or whatever? I go to therapy myself but I sometimes feel like I’m only telling the therapist what they want to hear when speaking about my “progress” or whatever because I’m such a gd people pleaser. I just don’t want my therapist to feel bad about her methods constantly failing with me lmao. I’m realizing now that that’s probably a big mistake 😬 yeah… anyway I’ll stop camping out in your asks now, have a good day yeah?
me and u are like this 💏
but yeah no so basically they shoved me into group therapy which honestly sucks balls but the initial educational part was pretty good. but its like, they wont offer me anything else so all ive got is a group i go to (well, when its available..) once a week where somehow everyone gets mad at me specifically ? its so weird cause hand on my heart i am not even being a dick but somehow everyone's bpd gets activated by me alone just cause i have troubles collecting my thoughts so i ramble a lot. hate it there a lot ngl but im just not getting anything else and all the private psychs and therapists are booked until the end of time so im just like ,, alright
i get u though like im not a people pleaser really but i am a Me Pleased and im pleased when i dont have to drag things out so its so much easier to just go along with shit sometimes idk
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more medical garbage bitching dont mind me (feel free to blacklist camyellsOW to ignore these)
im liking being able to look back on these before other appointments
im currently on hold with my insurance because my rheumatologist listened to me and he wrote me a prescription for ring splints and I called around to physical therapy offices and found one that has hand therapy and can take my and my appointment is in less than 3 weeks which for PT in my area and PT as specific as this thats AMAZING holy shit. Its actually closer to two weeks than 3 but I feel like im doxxing myself if i say specifics lmao
so im calling my insurance company to see if they can tell me ahead of time if there are a fuckload of hoops im going to have to jump through in order to get my splints
for the first time ever I feel kind of hopeful about my joint health. Were doing a lyme disease blood panel to see if thats the source of my nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and headaches. He ordered a couple more things Im going to google
I told him that I know we need to do physical therapy first but eventually id love to talk to him about a wheelchair and he said no and I started crying again and he was like I think thats a bad idea let me tell you why and I was like NO thats internalized ableism and thats a YOU problem! Wheelchairs are mobility they are FREEDOM. I cannot currently lift enough laundry at once to fill the washer without subluxing my shoulder/collarbone so I have to take multiple trips and frequently have to sit down between trips but with a wheelchair Id have the freedom and capability to just do a load of laundry. I already cook having to sit down. You can have an amazing wonderful fulfillling life in wheelchair that you cant have when youre in bed every day because everything hurts so much. You can tell me not right now or maybe in the future but just a no is the most hopeless answer you can give me. That is a YOU problem.
and he like did a little head tilt like a dog and was like. You know what? Youre right. Thats something I need to reevaluate in my own head. So, youre right I wont tell you know, but Ill tell you first we need to try physical therapy
that fucking honesty is why I love him so much. He was like "you need a therapist" and i was like dude if you tell me that one more time im going to start crying again I KNOW
and I apologized and thanked him for dealing with my anger because i just angry cried at him basically the entire appointment and he just said Its okay, I know Im not who youre mad at. I wont take it personally and holy shit that was just the biggest load off of my back and I was like no youre right im literally just mad at my body. At one point he said "you know im empathetic, I bet it does hurt that bad." Like holy shit Dr G you are a king amongst doctors. He had knee surgery recently and I used it against him and he didnt even get mad. In my angry crying I was like you just had knee surgery. Sitting in bed wallowing in pain all day. It fucking sucks doesnt it? Imagine twenty five fucking YEARS of that! and he just nodded and digested that and was like yeah, I hear you.
This man is the best doctor in the world
at the very least im on my way to my ring splints which will help my quality of life SO fucking much holy shit
I also told him about the highly unprofessional cardiologist i saw who just told me I was fat and showed me his grandsons fortnite youtube channel and he was like wow literally what? and I was like I dont know man. And then he talked shit about cardiologists and how they tend to be fuckin weirdos with egos and i was like yo go off my shady king
but on the bright side in less than a week were placing that heart monitor and it will be recording for two weeks and hopefully after that i can obtain my POTS diagnosis and hopefully thatll put me one step closer to being an ambulatory wheelchair user. Id love to still be upright and use my cane when I can but a wheelchair for bad days would be lifechanging
my oldest childhood friend is able bodied the idea of being able to just get a coffee and walk around target with her pain free makes me want to cry THAT is a hopeful future
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tonberry-yoda · 2 years
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Hi! I saw that you were doing match ups, so I couldn't help myself! ^^
I wanted to ask you for a platonic match up for the Hazbin Hotel fandom :) (Maybe a character that would look up at me as a mother figure or smth like that) I'm a 23-year-old cis-girl that goes with she/her pronuns. I'm biromantic and asexual ^^ I'm a (I think xd) very cheerful person that lives for making other's laugh, I can be serious when needed though, I tend to give up my happiness to make others happy until I can't no more and vent to my reflection in the mirror with the objective of not making anyone aware of my problems, I don't like the feeling of relaying on someone that could stab my back if they wanted. I am a very patient person and I like to make sure that everyone is comfortable in the environment we are in. I can cook variated (and good) meals but I kinda preffer baking pastries or sweets to give to others.
My main love language is gift giving. I usually give gifts like handmade sweets or cookies, drawings of the person/character in question, and even little things that I think the person/character in question would like.
I've been told that I'm a pretty comfortable person to vent and I'm the "terapist friend" of my group.
I'm a very physical person that likes hugging very much but I'm also very respectful so If a person doesn't like hugs, I'll respect that.
I would also be very grateful if you add a mini fic to the match up, you can use wichever idea you like, surprise me! ^^
hi there!!!! i have the perfect character for you!!! and i just cant wait, so here we go!
the character I chose for you is...
ANGEL DUST!!!
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my personal favorite character in hazbin if im being honest
and now your best platonic buddy
i think that he would appreciate how cheery and kind you are because it's a real change of pace due to what he has to deal with everyday, so having you bring a smile makes him very thankful
he will ask you how you're feeling though and he wont stop bothering you until you tell him
you're dealing with a very emotional man who is very willing to talk to you since you're so close, so having you be a patient person is perfect for him, he literally just needs that
but do know that he is a very happy guy most of the time, so expect a lot of fun activities like painting your nails together or gossiping lol
if you make him sweets he will cry and then proceed to eat ALL of them
he will be very sure to give you a deserved break because being the therapist or mom friend can really be a burden sometimes, so he wants to be there for you as much as possible
partners in crime moment who are always there for each other
he will 100% get you to be friends with Cherri
and then all 3 of you are unstoppable
please give him hugs, especially when he needs them most
after spending some time with valentino though, he will definitely need that space, and having you respect that makes him love you so much more as a friend because that's all he really needs
but when he's ready, he will curl up in your arms
he just loves that you are there for him <33333
and per your request, lovely, here is your mini fic :)
MINI FIC
"Angel!!" You chimed, running up the stairs to his hotel room, trying not to drop the platters of pastries you had in your hands. "Angel Dust!" You knocked on the door with the tip of your shoe and instead of Angel, Nifty opened the door with a bright smile on her face.
"Hi, y/n!! What's up?"
"Is Angel in here?" You asked, but immediately got answered by Angel's smiling face from across the room.
"Hey pumpkin'!" He stood up and walked over to you, drying off his nails that were just recently painted a bright pink. "Whatcha got there?"
You handed him a pastry and he beamed at you. "y/n, you didn't have to!!!"
"Of course I did," you giggled and walked into the room, sitting on his bed. "You know how much I love baking for you."
"You're the best!" Angel pulled you into his arms, smelling like perfume and sweets. "I was having a bit of a rough day and asked for Nifty to give me some company, so to see you here too makes it a way better day."
He pulled away from the hug, giving you a soft smile and you sat down, lying the pastries next to you. "Rough day, you say?" You picked up some nail polish and began painting your own nails. "Tell me about it and we'll go ahead and have a sleepover tonight."
:)
~~~~~
matchup rules --- pinned post
@tonberry-yoda
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blubushie · 1 year
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Good evening (or time of day/night), Monsieur Blu,
I was going to suggest a dictation machine for the handwriting-sucks thing (very very relatable, might I add. Fuck writing by hand, I might actually have to look into dyspraxia now. Never thought to look into it despite my autism), but promptly remembered just who I'm suggesting this to. So dictation machine is a bust, but your typewriting idea could definitely work.
I document bits of my life as well. Not that I live a particularly important life, which I am fine with. But between the loose screws and memory problems because of adhd and autism, typing things out has helped me keep track of myself so much better.
It's a form of self care for me, in a way. I get to write things out, in full detail, completely honestly. I write things the way they are, instead of how I'd recount the events to say, a therapist. Or my mother. No matter who I'm talking to, they never get the full picture. I'd say my mother gets the most detail out of everyone I talk to, but there are some things I don't share with even her. That I don't share with anyone, that I've never even said out loud. And that's ok.
But sometimes I forget the whole picture myself, because I'm always rehearsing (autism thing) which stories I'm going to tell to who, and I lose track of the details I choose to leave out for everyone. So I can truly fully process things once I've got it down.
I typically have to be in the correct mindset to write, as to me, it is still an art form, and that takes up a lot of energy, of which I do not have much. I don't write things every day, I'd probably burn myself out if I did. Every once in a while, I'll take a long ass bath and write until I become a shriveled prune. Maybe have a drink and dim the lights. It's great. It's peak vulnerability, to me. I am naked, comfortable in a warm bath, nobody will ever disturb me, because who the hell would walk in on someone taking a bath. It's rare to truly be able to be alone with my thoughts, constantly living with others, in a town.
I cherish self reflection. Understanding myself and how I view the world is my most reliable way of navigating my surroundings and, well, myself. I am easily overwhelmed. Simply existing is difficult for me. I like knowing what's rockin around in my noggin. It helps.
I am also into the whole wishy washy pretentious philosophical stuff, and it's always nice to indulge in some pondering. Even if it's abstract and not something I'd ever experience face to face, it's a great tool of self expression.
I do keep a lot of my ramblings in a secure place, for I am... pretty sure I could get incarcerated or sent back to psych ward if some of it ever got in the hands of other people. So yeah, definitely keep these things somewhere where people wont just stumble into it.
All of this to say: If you ever find the time to get that typewriter and to get ink and paper and perhaps a dossier for the papers, I'd say, go for it. It's worth trying out, and you might come to like it. And even if you don't particularly feel overjoyed and ecstatic to write down how you've had to extract handfulls of burrs from Misty's coat, it's still something to do. And maybe in the future, you'll read back on some of the things you've written, and you'll enjoy it. Feel pride in your way of living.
But between the loose screws and memory problems because of adhd and autism, typing things out has helped me keep track of myself so much better.
This. I must have five or ten post-it notes in Matilda at all times. I leave them everywhere. "Buy salt" hanging above the sink, "dunny roll" on the bathroom sink, "Check doovalacky" on the dash. I have no idea what doovalacky I was supposed to check.
I do keep a lot of my ramblings in a secure place, for I am... pretty sure I could get incarcerated or sent back to psych ward if some of it ever got in the hands of other people.
Fucking mood.
And even if you don't particularly feel overjoyed and ecstatic to write down how you've had to extract handfulls of burrs from Misty's coat, it's still something to do.
They're usually bindis (which are 50x worse) but it's definitely something to do, and my worst enemy is boredom.
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thingstotellthem · 2 years
Note
this is very long. sorry.
i don't even know where to start, honestly. i hate you so so much. i'm sorry i fucked up. i want you to die. i hope you live a happy and peaceful life. i know i did bad things to you, which i didn't realise at the time. and i'm genuinly sorry for that. i just really wish you'd get that you were constantly hurting me, too. you were so emotionally abusive. i wrote poems about it. about you. countless poems. it's hard to put into words, but poems allow me to become incoherent and metaphorical, and that helps. so. here's some of them. (a title, if a poem has one, is in italics.)
theres so many things i wanna say to you
but at the same time
do you actually deserve knowing?
i hope you love yourself as much as i hate you
i hate you i hate you i hateyou ihateyoui hateyouihateyouiateuaeu
every time i feel bad, my brain screams.
STOP FEELING BAD OR I WILL KILL MYSELF
STOP BEING SAD OR I WILL DIE
STOP BEING SO PESSIMISTIC OR I WILL KILL ME ON YOUR BEHALF
JUST STAY POSITIVE OR IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT
STOP WORRYING ME OR YOU WILL BE GUILTY
STOP OR IM DEAD
STOP
STOP STOP
STOP OR IM DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT
and it haunts me. its been haunting me all the time. i was shaking and crying and i thought id get a text telling me youre dead the next day.
MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MAKE THE ANXIETY STOP IT HURTS HURTS HURTS IM SO SCARED SO SCARED SO AFRAID SCARED AFRAID HURT CRYING SCREAMING BAD BAD BAD
sometimes i wish you were dead so i know that you wont die.
am i a victim? are you? was this all real? did you even hurt me? is this reality or am i gaslighting myself? are you to blame?
yes, i fucked up and im sorry. but its not my fault that im like this. its yours. yours alone. YOURS ITS ALL YOURS. I DIDNT CHOOSE TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I DIDNT CONSENT TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I NEVER EVER WANTED TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE YOU CANT JUST CHOOSE ME AND IGNORE ALL THE OTHER HAPPY SOURCES WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME IT HURTS IT HURTS ITS TOO MUCH HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE WHEN I CANT EVEN BE MY OWN
am i truly a victim? are my feelings valid? are they real? are they the one to blame? are my memories real? is anything at all real? am i real? is reality real? what is real? what is valid? what is justified and what is not? are my feelings? are theirs?
sometimes i wonder why you never comforted me when i had to comfort you all the time. were you too hurt to be a therapist for two people? i was, and i still comforted you.
Sometimes I wonder;
And what is, that you thought of me?
What is, that you think now?
yk, sometimes.. sometimes i want to forgive. i want to hug you, hold you close to me, tell you it’s okay. that i forgive you. sometimes i want tender moments between us, i want to kiss you softly and forget all the bad we did to eachother. sometimes i really want to. but in the end, all the pain you brought me holds me back, and all i can do is hate you.
You asked me why I didn’t like mashed potatoes, and I threw up the sand you forced me eat. You asked me why I never initiated to hang out, and I cut my head open, spilling all the maggots eating away at my brain back into your hands. You asked me why I always was sad, and I slashed my wrists, staring at the blood sweeping out, and you asked me why I was dying when there were flowers in my bones.
I keep thinking about what we were.
Why can’t I write it into poetry?
Why are you wasting the space in my brain?
Why did you never understand me in the way I understood you?
Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever think about what you’ve done?
mirror, mirror, on the wall
how broken you must’ve been
to hurt me with the same words
they’ve hurt you
dirty love
our love was waiting until somebody made a move
it was silence and anxiety
it was guilt, so much guilt and embarassment
it was only loving because we couldn’t love ourselves, because we couldn’t love anyone else in the world
it was bottling up feelings and never talking
it was hurt, oh, so hurt and pained
it was holding hands even though we both hated physical contact, but it was all we had
it was sitting beside eachother, wanting to cuddle and still never doing so
it was quiet lunch at yours and loud dinner at mine
it was waiting until somebody made a move
it was until i did
until i broke up our dirty love
because i realised i couldn’t love someone who i don’t love
not even if i pretend
not even if i want to
and that’s what made our love so dirty
it wasn’t ours
it was yours
Sorry
I’m sorry.
It was all my fault.
I stopped believing in the stars
After you told me you did
Because I couldn’t be you—
Then they fell down and killed us.
Please don’t ever forgive me.
Don’t forget me.
Forget what you felt,
But not what I did.
Please take it all with you
And make sure nobody ever hurts you again.
Love fades into hate so quickly
Do you hurt when you think of me?
Do you regret?
Do you hate me?
Do you cry?
Do you feel miserable?
Do you want to die?
Because that’s how I feel about you,
And when I think of what I’ve done,
I desperately hope it’s the same for you.
that's not even all of them yet, just my favorites, the ones i might actually publish one day. i could fill a thousand books with a thousand pages each, all for you, and it still wouldn't be enough. i can't even properly write down my feelings. i hate you, but i still care about you, and i'm convinced that only one of us should walk this earth at the same time. i hope it can be me. still, deep down in my heart, the affection i once had for you hopes it's you. i don't know myself anymore. it's destroying me. you're destroying me. i hope to fucking god that you just die already. i think. i'm not sure. you're still making me question reality. i hate that we share the same friends, and if i told them about your abuse, i'd have to tell them about the toxic things i did, and they'd have to choose between us and live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives. so you've rendered me unable to do anything. i want to fucking scream. whenever i think of you, i get so angry. so angry with myself, with you, with us, with what we were, and weren't, and wanted to be. i know most of your abuse wasn't intentional, but it still left me traumatized. i haven't forgiven you, and i never will. and i'm so mad at myself, at you, because i really fucking wish you could live with that knowledge forever but my trauma is still so bad that i feel the need to throw up from the guilt of making you kill yourself when only thinking about telling you anything of what i feel.
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b4byb4ts · 2 years
Text
ive been gone for SO so long but i think i want to start using this acc as like a but of a diary type thing--
so.. last time i was here i was super deep in my ed and going through a LOT of shit.. since then i accidentally recovered from my ed, not as much mentally but i have gained,,all of the weight i lost back,, i eat pretty "normal" but i still feel incredibly guilty and feel like the "i never want to eat again" type feelings..
i lost one of my closest friends bc of my ed, and though it has completely destroyed me,, honestly it was probably for the best, its part of why i recovered. he told me he didnt think i would ever recover after he tried to force me to and i said i didnt want to, but after that we stopped talking (his choice not mine) and i at first took it as a "okay well im going to get as sick as i possibly can" but then realized that was what he wanted so i instead forced myself to recover fully out of spite as a big "fuck you" to him.. and i even tried to tell him thinking fkr some reason he would care. he didnt. i got a thumbs up and a good luck along with the most like.. "youre a waste of space" type of look ive ever gotten. and it COMPLETELY destroyed me.
moving on... i got a new job at a v popular coffee shop in my town and its absolutely amazing, everyone i work with is absolutely lovely and i just love it so so much.
I also got back with my boyfriend and ive never been happier in a relationship, im absolutely sure that he is "the one" like i trust him more than my own mother and im more comfortable around him than anyone ive ever been with before everything is just so so lovely.
not that everything has been perfect like it sounds though,,, im still not mentally recovered, again, better than before, but still not great,, i constantly crave my ed like i want to relapse so bad i just,, cant for some reason,,?
more on,, health,, mental AND physical,,, i got diagnosed with pretty much a chronic illness, i still dont know the cause for it,, like i have treatment for the symptoms but no clue what the cause is. i got diagnosed with adhd during my ed but that is,, obviously still there,, i just very recently got told by my therapist that she thinks i may be autistic,,, i looked into it and it seems VERY possible which is,, a lot to think about because i have no clue how to tell my parents or if ill even be able to get diagnosed,, plus ive got a TON of shit with my family going on,,, my dad lives in a different state but there's a LOT going on with him which stresses me out,,a lot.
OH one last thing -- i learned to crochet!!! i learned with,,, disordered intentions (i thought if i learn to crochet i will be using my hands more so it will be easier to not eat) but i love it SO SO much, I'll probably be posting a lot abt crochet now because its like,, all i do lmaoo
anyway, thats all ive got for now i think -- hopefully i wont just disappeared again (even though nobody actually reads this-) but if you are reading, thank u so much for actually caring enough to read all of my rambles <3
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melissawebb-avocado · 9 months
Text
1: Name
Milinda
2: Age
24
3: 3 Fears
Losing everyone, being alone, people seeing me for how i see my self
4: 3 things I love
My daughter, my husband, my sister
5: 4 turns on
Fatherly, back rubs, asking about my day, takes charge
6: 4 turns off
Dosent listen, trys to take without asking, yelling, procrastinating
7: My best friend
Brianna my sister
8: Sexual orientation
Straight
9: My best first date
Went to make pottery and then to dinner and an arcade
10: How tall am I
5"9
11: What do I miss
My home in chandler
12: What time were I born
2 pm
13: Favorite color
Teal
14: Do I have a crush
My husband
15: Favorite quote
"Most of us are gifted with the
ability to see the monsters hidden
within another, but are unable
to see past them.
It takes a special kind of person
to see the light inside of every
living being."
- Lynette Simeone
16: Favorite place
Oceanside beach
17: Favorite food
Sushi
18: Do I use sarcasm
Yes but only with those im close with
19: What am I listening to right now
Always AJR but the trolls 3 music
20: First thing I notice in new person
How they mingle with new people or stick with the person they know ignoring new people
21: Shoe size
11
22: Eye color
Hazel
23: Hair color
Brown, waiting to dye mt hair a copper red brown
24: Favorite style of clothing
Graphic t and baggy jeans
25: Ever done a prank call?
Yes.
27: Meaning behind my URL
Its my first ever book i wrote in middle school
28: Favorite movie
Howls moving castle
29: Favorite song
AJR object in motion
30: Favorite band
AJR
31: How I feel right now
Depressed
32: Someone I love
My daughter
33: My current relationship status
Married 💍
34: My relationship with my parents
BFF with my MIL and FIL call them every other day. Talk to my mom whenever i can. Forgave my dad but wont ever forget.
35: Favorite holiday
The days before Christmas
36: Tattoos and piercing i have
C section scar
37: Tattoos and piercing i want
None
38: The reason I joined Tumblr
To find more fans aboit the series i loved
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?
I dont talk to any of them.
40: Do I ever get "good morning" or "good night" texts?
No because we say it to each other when we go to bed together
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
My husband?
42: When did I last hold hands?
Last night
43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
Im a stay at home mom so i wake up and thats it.
44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?
Yesterday
45: Where am I right now?
Siting on the couch watching my daughter play
46: If I were drunk & can't stand, who's taking care of me?
My husband but my sister is taking me to him.
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
LOUD
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
i live with my husband now
49. Am excited for anything?
To get pregnant with my 2nd kid in summer!
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
My husband
51: How often do I wear a fake smile?
Not as much anymore. I used to be very good at hiding my emotions no one knew but after years of therapy my face is easy to read.
52: When was the last time I hugged someone?
Last night
53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
I hope it would be my daughter. But i would probably cry since i dont feel pretty anymore since ive gained weight after birth.
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
Nope. All the people i used to trust that were toxic i dont talk to or give them anything from me anymore.
55: What is something I disliked about today?
My husband is working and theres no wifi
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
My old therapist.
57: What do I think about most?
The future, where im not stressed about bills, healthcare, or living somewhere i dont. Planing my future home.
58: What's my strangest talent?
Imagination
59: Do I have any strange phobias?
Speaking in public
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind!!!!
61: What was the last lie I told?
Im fine
62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Phone
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Ghosts are real. I beilve there is other life in the universe but they look like you and me. Not movie aliens.
64: Do I believe in magic?
No
65: Do I believe in luck?
Yes. Sometimes you just wake up with a good start and it keeps pulling you forward.
66: What's the weather like right now
It snowed yesterday
67: What was the last book I've read?
The last olympian percy jackson
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?
No
69: Do I have any nicknames?
Mina
70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?
Tore my esophagus from throwing up so much for months
71: Do I spend money or save it?
Spend on temu
72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
No
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?
My daughters strawberry baby blanket
74: Favorite animal?
Axolotal
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
Watching tik tok
76: What do I think is Satan's last name is?
Hellboy
77: What's a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
Trolls 3 better place
78: How can you win my heart?
Random acts of kindness
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
The hardest thing she did was survive and she lived through it all.
80: What is my favorite word?
Cascade
81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr
Basbardbin, moringmark, buggachat,
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
Just a reminder that by the time your child is 18, they will already have spent 93% of the time they will spend with you in their lifetime. So go on that adventure, because you can always get your money back, but you'll never get those years back.
83: Do I have any relatives in jail?
No
84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
Read peoples minds
85: What would be a question I'd be hesitate to tell the truth on?
86: What is my current desktop picture?
Me and my daughter in the sand at the beach
87: Had sex?
Uh yeah.
88: Bought condoms?
Nope
89: Gotten pregnant?
Yep
90: Failed a class?
Nope
91: Kissed a boy?
Yepppp
92: Kissed a girl?
Nope
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
Yep, my husband
94: Had job?
Yep. 5 jobs
95: Left the house without my wallet?
Yeah util i atached my keys and my wallet together
96: Bullied someone on the internet?
No
97: Had sex in public?
In a car parked on the side of the street.
98: Played on a sports team?
Soccer, volleyball, swimteam, softball
99: Smoked weed?
No
100: Did drugs?
No
101: Smoked cigarettes?
No
102: Drank alcohol?
No
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
No
104: Been overweight?
Still am.
105: Been underweight?
No
106: Been to a wedding?
Yes, mine and my best friends and SIL
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
Yep
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
Yep, just watched avatar 1 and 2
109: Been outside my home country?
Mexico.
110: Gotten my heart broken?
Yep
111: Been to a professional sports game?
collage games?
112: Broken a bone?
Broke my radias of my wrist riding my bike
113: Cut myself?
Tried to. Kept to scratching.
114: Been to prom?
No
115: Been in airplane?
Yes. Terrified
116: Fly by helicopter?
No
117: What concerts have I been to?
None
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
No
119: Learned another language?
No
120: Wore make up?
Try to at least.
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?
Nope
122: Had oral sex?
Yes
123: Dyed my hair?
Not yet
124: Voted in a presidential election?
No
125: Rode in an ambulance?
No
126: Had a surgery?
Yes, c section
127: Met someone famous?
President uchdorf
128: Stalked someone on a social network?
My exs and their girlfriends
129: Peed outside?
Yep, road trips
130: Been fishing?
Yep with my dad. Hoping to have a better experience one day
131: Helped with charity?
In high school and middle school. Worked for toys for tots.
132: Been rejected by a crush?
Yeah. High school asked a boy out to go bowling.
133: Broken a mirror?
No
134: What do I want for birthday?
Dnd table or 3d printer.
0 notes
ibolyafagyi · 1 year
Text
social pressures eating my ass up.......... i freak out about making new irl contacts online, as in adding someone i met in real life ; and im also insecure trying to measure up with my few instagram numbers on my private account. because my numbers are low, its like im elevating the ppl that i do have contact with, like those 20 ppl are my bffs, which is not at all true. its a couple past dating app matches, a really few legit friends, a few of their friends, loose university contacts.
i want everyone to see me quietly, unknowingly, and know that im interesting.
i dont want to make new contacts.
i dont want to be "someone who cares about this".
so many ppl from my major have hundreds of followers, insta baddies, strangely preoccupied with a niche aesthetic, that at the end still feels alien to me. i wanna be like that, but also i havent been collecting contacts since years ago, and i feel like i still dont do it "right" currently, i dont wanna add new contacts... i dont want to look at and care for other people, i want people to care for me, reinforce me!
i feel like i need a token friend in my learnt language (my major). it feels, seems easy for others to do, n i feel like im late again, just like in all my teens about making friends and making steps in socialization. i am at the same time literally running from the exchange student i ended up in contact with. and it makes me feel small that i dont wanna meet her. and if i think about my therapist picking at this and asking why, i get soooo annoyed. ik its telling something, it may be regressive to not engage, but i wont cuz i have a lot on my plate rn, even if i miss this specific opportunity. might be bc of the selfishness of give me x, but i dont wanna give you anything.
reading back, all this seems so juvenile. its not like people have more authentic connections cuz they have instagram contacts.
i hate my therapist for making these problems so everyday in their nature, like what steps can we do to do that simple thing that im insecure about. in my brain i know it, i have the voice telling me it, that its not glorious and not dramatic and not huge, but i dont internalize ngl!!! cuz i hate the ungloriousness of it!! i preemptively feel stupid about them. i take them seriously, but it feels like this sentiment wants to cancel that, emotionally. they are huge things for me, and it feels so dissatisfying that others are incapable of seeing me/it that way, that its just another small thing for them, my big step a dust in their universe..... is that self-centeredness and immaturity? i mean yea. is it also perhaps a wound? i mean it could be?
i have other friends i havent written back to in a year. i have my high school classmates i was never comfortable with. ik its mostly about getting over it. no ones even forcing my hand to be besties with anyone, to go back and befriend my high school class at a reunion. it just comes back exactly because im stressed and insecure ----------
this loneliness sucks so fucking bad!
i hate overindulgent introverts bc this is that side of me! wallowing in own sadness. i wanted to believe i just have to believe in connection with other people, but it doesnt necessarily work just like that. i cant know. i cant decide. i cant just go in and feel fine and connected always. the answer to this particular step isnt "just suck it up and extrovert more". its not "introvert and find yourself cool by yourself" either.
i dont want it to be "stop thinking about yourself so much" either. cuz come on >:( i have to be between people all day everyday, changing situations, how could i stop perceiving my percepted perception! instagram is that perception hyperrealized. its an imitation and caricaturization of that same reality, but also it *is* a part of reality, its not like its not. ugh
0 notes
a-garden-of-flowers · 2 years
Note
“No I think they just went by something else someone recommended and they said Shigaraki is still a danger whether it’s to himself or others. He threw a fit and launched a chair at the therapist”
“The students were scared and asked me to deal with him since you weren’t here. I’ll be taking my leave now and it seems to be the only thing that works. He won’t do it again as he doesn’t want the consequences. It’s not even that bad, I’m not caning him or anything.”
Shigaraki held out his trembling hands, they were bright red, welts mainly though his pinky knuckle was bleeding because the skin broke after several hits with a wooden ruler. “I’ll be good, I’ll be good.”
“He hasn’t had consequencesn for his actions before and I think you’re too soft on him. Smack his hands a few times and make him write 50 lines, they used to do it in schools.”
"Ill talk to them about the therapist. And ill speak to Shigaraki about throwing things." "You will not do that again. If you do, you and I will have problems. First of all, please tell me you dont do this sort of thing to your students at UA. Second, you should never be hitting the top of the hands. The skin is too thin, and there isnt anything to cushon the blows. Youre hurting him, not correcting him. I would think you would know that, considering your whole gimmick." "Easy Shigaraki, She wont hurt you like this again." He says, getting out some ointment and using it to put on the welts. "You have actually made him bleed Midnight. That is all kinds of unacceptable. And just because people used to do things, dosent mean we should use them. People used to put cocaine in everything too. "
0 notes
manifesting-mari · 2 years
Text
Morning Pages 1/20/2023
I usually do my morning pages after my meditation and prayers, but today  the voices in my head are so loud that i wanna let them talk. Theres a part of me thats starting to worry, just like 1%, that im undiagnosed and should be seeking some kind of mental health help. And i do have a therapist, but id ont have the money right now to pay for an appointment. I feel very much ungrounded and in my head. Maybe this is why meditation is so important. It allows me to connect with my body and not be swimming with all the thoughts inside of me. I really feel very cerebral right now. It could also be that i dont have cannabis. I do have canna bis but in edible form, i wonder what it would be like to take an edible before my meditation and prayers.
Its a nice day today. Im thinking about taking an edible and going to my meditation and prayers at the beach. Or maybe i’ll do my meditation and prayers at home and then just go for a walk. It si friday today, so i’d like to make sure that i’m not on the roads by 3 pm today. I dont wanna be in any traffic. 
I can feel so many thoughts swimming around in my head that i cant really land on just one. The one thats coming forward is this version of myself that wants to do things and be productive, whose value is placed in her ability to show accomplishments. But theres another one holding her hand. It the part of me that knows that in the grand scheme of things the accomplishments and productivity are not definitions of the value I have as a person. I was gonna type that they dont matter, but in a way they do. I want to feel productive and accomplished in certain areas of my life because it helps me feel better and brings me closer to a version of myself that is able to enjoy life more fully. 
I think about all the different things im into right now. Pole, tarot, comedy. I feel like there’s something there that wants to be integrated all together. I keep getting this inkling that i need to mix my comedy and psychic abilities. Maybe i just need to try things and let them grow. I’m grateful I can be weird and do things people dont expect. I know in my heart that i’m doing something that no one else has done before. I know i\that i am a connection to this divine creation and its speaking through me. Maybe i need to do less manipulation and more surrender. Ahhhh the surrender part is always scary for me. I have a hard time trusting. Trusting myself, trusting the universe. I wonder what can help me with these trust issues.
I’m also noticing now the part of me that feels tired. It feels drained and wants more sleep. I went to be around 1:30 and woke up at 8. Thats 7 hrs. Maybe i need more. The feeling i have now is the same sleepy feelings i get in some of my lucid dreams. When im moving around in my dream but still feel so tired. I think that means theres n=more subconmcious rest and healing that needs to be tended to. 
Im nto sire what i’m tying now but i’m just letting myself types. Idk. i enjoy typing and writing. I think i have some interesting shit to say. Like, i’d buy my own album. Maybe thats why no one is about my shit. Am i even about my shit. I am. I’m really about me. I stand for me and i’d go to bat for me. I see me and i have so much more compassionf or myself now than i did before. I see the ways i am doing my goddamn best and i am proud of the work i’m doing. I’m grateful to have amazing people in my life to point that all out to me. I’m grateful to be able to be myself in my fullest expression, whatever that means. I get to be exactly who i am now. What a privilege. I get tp be authentic and real and honest with myself and with others. If i’m not sure or if i dont know i wont lie or i wont tell stpories to seem more interesting. If i catch myself starting to embellish i’;ll stop and take a beat and think, is this a real thing i want to share or do i just wanna amke myself seem more whatever in order for people to like me
I liek being liked. Its the validation for me. I need to remind myself that i am valued for my aiuthticity and honesty. I am valued for my honesty and realness. Thats what i like about myself. I want to become softer. I wnat to be less aggressive and be softer and more patient and loving with myself and others. Allow myself to be imperfect. Allow myself to be. Even when writing this i wanna go back and edit it. Fix all the grammar mistakes and mispellings. But i’m trying not to. I wanna let this just be. Just let the mistakes happen. Feel the crunchiness in all of it. See where i can be more present and more grounded in this experiment we call life. 
To be honest, thirty years feels liek a lot and a little at the same thing. Like when you think about it, for the first like 2 to 4 years youre not even conscious. Like, there are no memories at all. And from 4 - 10 youre still trying to get all the social and motor skills to be a basic human being. And then from 11-25 youre body is changing and growing and you have all these hormones and things are constantly and quickly shifting. And then your late 20’s hit an dyoure finally waking up to what being a human adult is and feels like. So you hit your thirties and its liek youre a toddler again. Especially in a spiritual and emotional sense, i feel like i’m just getting the hang of this shit. 
I keep hearing from my older firends that 40 is much more fulfilling and enjoyable than your 30’s. And that how i feel about my 30’s compared to my 20’s. And maybe thats just because i have people in my life who live very intentionally. I think its time for me to start living inteltionally. I intend to live a healing life filled with growth and expansion. I intend to live a life where integration and compassion are the foundation of my relationship with myself and others. I intend to live a life that facilitates joy and creativity. When i types the growth and expansion thing, i felt something inside of me. I felt a part of me thats scared of expansion. Thats scared to take on responsibility. That doesnt trust myself to treat this new things with intentionality and care. Maybe its the growth and expansion i dont need right now. Maybe i intend to live a healing life filled with compassiona nd joy. That feel really good. An di think the growth and expansion is a side effect of the compassion.
I’ve been using these words a lot, especially compassion. Simply because i never really felt that from myself. I could see how other people were compassionate with me, but i was still in the oppressed and oppressor mode within myself. Any part of me that feels oppressed will be embraced with love and care. Any part of me that wants to fight and be aggressive will be embraced with love and care. I am grateful these parts of me are here. The oppressed part deeply empathizes with the pain in the world and inspired grounded me to make choices where i can shift away from those cycles and instead place more love and healing into the world. The aggressive part of me sees the important of standing in my truth and not feeding back into the negative cycles. I forgive the parts of me that fed into the cycles. I forgive the parts of other that feed into the cycles. We are all coping. 
It hurts when i choose to be compassionate and i meet with someone who is in their aggression. I can empathize with the aggression, but choos enot to act on it. I would usually act on it. I still do have some repressed anger that has difficulty coming forward. Or maybe i’m just not really an angry person. When i am honest and authentic and i speak my truth and i have people around me who can hold space and validate my feelings, the aggression is able to be massaged out, rather than exploding like it did in the past. I am ashamed that that happened but i have so miucih love for those parts of me that didnt know any better.
Now i know better. Now i know my body is truly in charge. My nervous system hold the key to lots of these mysteries about myself. I wanna grab that book, the body keeps the score. I can fele the tension around my neck and body. I think there is guilt that is still stored there. I can feel the energy reserves around my stomach and neck. Its like my body developed these storage units to safe the energy for when i truly need it, and maybe it now. Maybe now is the time i truly need to start transmuting the energy in my stomach into something else. 
Im looking forward to my meditation and prayers now. Im gonna do them at home cause its so comfy in my bed right now. What am I transmuting? That will be the question. And i wonder if i need to be conscious of the transmuting. Will my body do it by myuselkf and iu need to just give it rest, care, and compassion. My body heals itself, i am the facilitator. How do i facilitate this healing? What space do i need? What food do i need? What do i need to provide myself to facilitate the healing. I just need to be present for myself and be present for my experience. What i am feeling and what i am going through is real and valid and i understand that i cannot force or change the path i’m on. That is unsustainable. I am the one to bring ease and joy into the work that my body knows it needs to do. I am grateful to know myself in this way. I want my body to be strong and healthy so we can keep facilitation for ourselves and in the future, for others.
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gavinsmg24 · 2 years
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Oh princess. My sweet kind lovely princess
Of course I still don’t know what has you down.
It could just be life’s hardships in general. Work maybe being stressful. Something at home. Hmm just normal bad thoughts taking you down to a dissociation or depression place. No matter the case. Daddy is here babygirl
Take your thoughts. Don’t ignore them. Think on them. I’m no therapist. And I know lecturing and giving solutions isn’t really the answer. But don’t worry. I’ll be emotionally good and just give silly advice even if it doesn’t help! All good things from daddy! I hope 😖. Anyways! If whatever has you sad can’t be fixed. Then think about that! If you can’t fix it! Then! Work on something else to overrule the sad! Like. If something broke. That sucks of course! But we still have so much time to get new things! (I’m being silly and I did just wake up hehe) anyways! But if you can change it! Liiike. If your thinking about life or things in general. Then do some mental exercising. What’s making you sad. And how can you change that! If your in your head than just know! Your feelings are valid!
I’m moving into the more lovey understanding help bcuz I know tht is usually what helped more!
So! My baby’s sad huh? You think daddy will allow that! Of course I wont! So now close your eyes! Or whenever you have a chance to yourself.
You’re with me now. Pick a comforting place. Maybe just at home together. Maybe a movie theater that way it’s a dark place where we can hold each other. Or if you are sad but feeling up to letting daddy drag you around. We could be going for a walk on the beach or at a park. Holding hands. I’d be talking to you letting you focus on my thoughts. Telling you about my day. Making lil jokes or lovey remarks. I’d play with your hair in a calming way. Rubbing your head and kissing it.
No matter where you decide to place us in your mind. Just know. We’re together. And your daddy will keep you safe. Physically and mentally. I wont let the world hurt you. And I wont let your mind hurt you. You are so special princess. You’ve done so much. Even if you don’t consider moving and doing new things progress. It is. Every day you wake up. Is successful day. Everyday you wake up is a new blank canvas. Will it be abstract. Will it be in detail. Only time will tell. But whether your making big moves. Or just enjoying the day. Either way it’s art. Because it’s you. You’re so special! You’ve touched my heart for years and even now find ways to do so. You’re such a loving and caring person. No matter how you wanna look at it!
I’ll try to wrap this up for now! But I still will keep posting. Especially as you like. Don’t break your posting rule if you don’t want! But if you ever want to rant to the world! You know I’ll be listening. That’s what I’ve always enjoyed about this. Even if we can’t talk to each other. Our thoughts are being heard by someone who cares so much about us. Us! Just let me know in the post if you want me to comment on whatever you say(if you post. But for example if you just wanted to rant with no advice or comments just tell me hehe. I’ll let your thoughts be your own :0)
Anyways. Final words. Hy. Gosh it could be something so simple that has you down. But I’ll always treat it like it’s huge. And it may be 😖 but that’s bcuz no problem should be ignored. Take care of yourself. And that amazing brain! Just don’t beat yourself up. You are my sunshine. And even when the night comes. We have our moon. Shining bright. With the stars twinkling around. When you see the moon tonight. Look. And see me. Smiling for you :0) you can reach up and take my hand. And you and me will skip and frolic across the moon. We’ll be in our own world. Safe from it. We’ll always be together. Even when we’re not
You will always be my soulmate. And will always have a place in my life. No matter what it may be. You are amazing. You are!!! Growing and learning!!
You will shine again. I love you princess. Now look at those pics of me. And imagine me giving you a big kiss! Now a hug! Now come cuddle with me! We’ll watch Disney movies. Maybe monsters inc. 🙈 I’ll start being lovey once you like this. Hehe🥰
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