#and also I have the WORST social anxiety
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#this is dumb and personal#but god Im gonna fucking die a sad virgin I stg#I never ever leave my house so I never fucking meet anyone#and also am Demi so like- if I ever want to date anyone#I need to actually fucking know them#and also I have the WORST social anxiety#all the string crushes I’ve had on people I KNEW were mutual too always died out and nothing happened#because I NEVR act on ANY feelings like that#but I crave intomicay so bad#I’m fucked man#and I got no one to blame but myself
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a productive all-nighter starts by making a clear to do list & getting to work spending an hour or so searching for the music that hits the vibe just right
#it’s important#for the morale#but I found a new band I rly rly like so it wasn’t time wasted (best thing for morale)#tho they have only 4 songs so far so can’t fill the whole night with just that#but it can fill The Void so it's a start#(love finding bands that are like somewhat new instead of my usual ''omg I love this band'' 'only to find out they disbanded years ago)#(after deleting other social media apps I've been spending way too long times browsing Spotify but at least it's bringing me joy)#(except why THE FUCK are they trying to bring short-form content there also?? I refuse that's the worst way to find music)#also don't ask me why I'm doing an all-nighter ik I do these way too often it's great (sarcasm)#i'm dumb and been too anxious the past days so haven't done shit and now am in deep trouble#but luckily for me the anxiety turned today to the ''I'll never sleep so time goes by slower''-mode#instead the usual ''will have billion naps as a form of escapism'' which sucks ass#april 2024#2024
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thursday quest
- no physical therapy today
- make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!!
- get ready for wedding
- attend wedding! yay! (:
- decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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the universe really loves to give me—the most indecisive girl on the entire planet earth—some real big Life Decisions™️ to make huh
#this is about my job 💀#i haven't been a city employee that long and now the museum i interned at is offering me a job#but the thought of quitting is actually making me shit bricks#because i have ~social anxiety~#but also the museum job is actually something i want to do and they'll pay more#and also that means buying a car which is exciting but also expensive#there are just so many pros and cons no matter what i do 😭😭😭#I'll just feel so bad for quitting the job im at right now.....everyone is so nice to me#but also working there is so boring lmao and answering phones is literally the worst#once again because i have ~social anxiety~#alright enough rambling that's why i haven't been super active this week#my mind is very preoccupied..........#emily.txt
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having social anxiety on tumblr dot com is so fucking frustrating cause like. i'll see a post i like and want to reblog but i do it with so so so much embarrassment because my brain's just thinking "oh god oh fuck im being so stupid right now what if op sees it and thinks im annoying" but like. they realistically would either not care at all or be happy about someone reblogging their post so like what the actual fuck am i afraid of??? but here's the kicker. the reason i have social anxiety in the first place is because i HAVE experienced these comically horrible social experiences of being judged and insulted for no reason before. multiple times. recently. the possibility of this happening is not a 0 chance. i have legitimate reasons to be afraid. and that is. actually horrific
#even on tumblr dot com (the neurodivergent website) i'm not safe from being ridiculed like my anxiety prophesises#the worst part is that the reason this has happened is because i'm autistic or i misinterpreted something. and i can't just-#-stop being autistic because that is impossible. so the ridicule could actually strike me at any time for no reason at all and that is-#-really scary.#i remember this one specific time i misinterpreted a post months ago and a couple people left sorta sarcastic snide replies on it-#-atting me and i literally did not know what i did wrong and was like ''hey wait i think i might have misinterpreted this. someone explain'#and luckily someone did and it was fine. but like. that was actually horrifying for me.#i was relatively new to tumblr at the time and i legitimately thought people were going to like dogpile me or something. i was that afraid.#and that sounds really stupid but you need to understand that 1. these people did not bother to say what i did wrong and were really vague-#-so that left no room for me to actually like. know what i did. and 2. being mocked and made fun of for not knowing something is something-#-i have gone through many MANY times and people dogpiling others for miniscule reasons is very common online. so like.#it was really fucking scary for me because my brain takes a light shower and turns it into a raging thunderstorm and i literally cannot-#-control that.#also slightly off topic but i hate when there's a misunderstanding or argument online and people are just snide and sarcastic about it-#-and won't bother to explain for no reason. stop being vague and just tell me already!! i don't want to play mental charades with you!!#anyway. yeah i hate having social anxiety it sucks.#social anxiety#vent#this is also the reason i rarely reblog or reply to others in my fandom. i promise i'm not being rude or cold! i literally-#-physically cannot bring myself to reply a lot of the time because i'm absolutely petrified to. i'm frozen with unimaginable fear.#so liking posts is my way of showing i appreciate everyone :)
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Also @ to anon (or maybe there are two of you? :p) sending me new ER and DS asks almost daily!
I really appreciate the interest and I hope I will be able to get to all of them eventually! You are so kind for this! It is just not only focus and time stuff.. I am also catastrophically unpopular all things considered and not used to attention and interest in my opinions beyond same couple of friends sending me things! Sometimes I even get anxiety and bail on a conversation I myself started when another person shows genuine engagement in it, because I am just not used to it;; Or I remember I once bailed on the idea of drawing doodle requests because I didn't expect to get many of them and got shy
I don't take attention and curiosity for granted at all! It is the opposite problem: I am so used to having to do various attention-seeking and people-pleasing behaviors to get even minimal interaction that I never know how to react when someone shows an interest first, let alone when people want to know my opinions as I literally just sit here and do nothing hjghjjgjhh All this is just to say, I am very thankful but if I am ever too slow or negligent it is not because something was wrong. Brain just starts to lag in unfamiliar situations -_-" Again, it applies to all manners of frozen convos and "ignored" positive interactions, not just asks!
#personal#in shorter terms: I just need time so my brain stops panicking in unfamiliar situation#in my absolute worst state i might sabotage positive impression or interaction#as in general rule I just get so shy and nervous that I 'run away' or freeze#I am too used to mostly socialize through conflict or people-pleasing#/anxiety#again the questions are really interesting? I am flattered you want to hear what I think!#(i also have a hunch on which mutual you found me through... xD)#I know I'll pass through the barrier eventually.. human brain just avoids unfamiliar situations#even if they are very good whereas familiar situation is something bad#I just don't know how to react at attention let alone people actually wanting to listen to me! xD
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Dragons, it seems like - everyone's going through it, huh... I wish I could... help.
-Bzzt! You need to help yourself first!-
I told you I'm fine, Superconduct, please - there's - there's bigger issues right now, I think. I just... Had some mean words said to me, it's fine, I'm fine.
... it wasn't like he was wrong, either.
#pkmn irl#russet yaps#Superconduct the Rotom#dash commentary#//no really. nobody at blueberry is having a good time huh#//aergearg i like. want to interact more. but also. gods. intimidating#//mod has social anxiety. russet doesn't but. aaergerga. everyone else seems so cool i am nervous-#//also russet normally would reach out to the kieran blogs. but he like. just had The Worst interaction with his own kieran so.#//he is. looking. and he is worried. but he's... not in a place to push right now-
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I wish you weren't so perfect so I could recover from having such a crush on you 🫠
The illusion of the internet is rough. Nobody is perfect! You see only the curated best side. Real life is so much messier.
#I have a bit of ocd and require my space clean and organized just so#I sometimes love my cats more than people#my anxiety gives me a bleeding heart and the inability to hold a job that isn’t my art#I require 9 hours of sleep and can’t without silence and darkness#I’m picky about eating healthy organic food#I’m in love with stories and reality never matches up#like any human I’m prone to needing validation and being self deprecating#I require both a nice liberal city and at least fifty acres of woodland to myself to feel okay#if I don’t get alone time daily I go nuts#if I don’t get good socialization daily I also go nuts#I’m 32 and still get acne#I have stretch marks and make the worst faces#nobody is perfect#only human
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#vent#cw vent post#cw vent#cw health#cw medical#cw medication#cw death#death mention#after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life#i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#it’s not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but it’s the same fear of dying#smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesn’t become a pattern#i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and they’re like ‘ugh it’s the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again 🙄#wonder what they think they’re dying of this time!’#sigh. anyways i’m fine. probably.#the consensus was ‘no you’re Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. you’re just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.’#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take ✨painkillers✨ and ✨muscle relaxers✨ 🙃#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. it’s also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all#not bc i’m scared of getting a shot in the neck i’m just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#it’s only for a week but i’m still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that it’ll help long term#time will tell. but i still can’t shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but it’s not big enough for them to test#for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what i’m supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i don’t end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment#sighhhh i just can’t catch a break these days. it’s Always Something#at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least i’m not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone i’ve unintentionally ghosted but it’s been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy#hopefully i’ll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it#and it’s So nice to sleep without much pain so i’m. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024
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My parents to me: oh everyone in this neighborhood is afraid this loud aggressive mentally ill neighbor will harm their pets
Me: why would they be scared? Has he ever hurt them?
my parents: no, he even has two cats of his own and he loves them and takes very good care of them. But you know how he is... He's sick- and an addict
me, whom they have visited in a psych ward more than once bc i have multiple mental illnesses and more scars to show for it than anyone could count and also has two cats i still lovingly care for and would rather implode my whole life than ever cause harm to any animal: ...
#im about to throwdown with everyone in this hood#and ofc always ready to throw down with my parents#even tho i destroy my body for them#i also always fight them#is how it is#ignore me#im about to go elope with said dude and make him go share his good shit or smth#i mean... if i didnt have crippling social anxiety and this worst aversion to other human beings lmao#this is just a snippet :c#its a whole story#my parents always pretend to be understanding saint
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fruity!! i'm glad to see you back, i've been missing you from my dash
AAAAA HEY I MISSED YOU TOO 🫶🫶🫶 but yeah im back!! (and alive and well)
#basically i went through the worst most nastiest artblock i’ve ever experienced and it made me so angry i didn’t have the energy to go on#social media. and also back to school anxiety bcs school starts literally!!! tomorrow!!!!!!#ughhjjj#i also went to get a haircut today but it turned out terrible so im in a slightly bad mood :/#but i got over the artblock at least (i think) so im mostly okay and as insane as ever yay!!!!!!!#fruitys back to terrorize your dash#>:3#asks#ell 🪐
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I need to get the hypothetical shitty friend who’s constantly talking shit about me behind my back OUT of my fucking HEAD. Who do you think you are saying that shit about me I don’t even like you.
#the hypothetical messy toxic ‘friend’ who’s keeping tabs on you is in my head constantly and I need to kill them dead#it is perhaps the worst and meanest way I self intellectualize and let me tell you!!! it triggers a lot of social anxiety !!!!!!!#no wonder I constantly worry over social interactions and talking to people when I harbor every terrible friend I’ve had over the years#who secretly hates me behind my back#when I actively have plenty of real friends who are veryvery good to me and love me very much#and also actually exist. in real life. and aren’t made up in my head by my mental illnesses
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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Why do I ever post anything on Facebook? I always regret it.
#I FUCKING HATE SOCIAL MEDIA#Tumblr save me#i hate people#they're the fucking worst#anxiety#like I was stressing about it trying to let it go but posting a complaint publicly on facebook also of course is going to give me anxiety.#like I needed for people to know about the local news misrepresenting my home and me by randomly including a photo of my house#even though the story had nothing to do with me or my home#or else I would've continued to fixate and have anxiety about it#but engaging with social media like facebook gives me anxiety#like basically you're always screwed if you have anxiety#there is literally nothing you can do to escape feeling like shit and being in panic mode
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the portrayal of social anxiety in dear evan hansen always bothered because like. okay. so the initial misunderstanding is actually 100% believable, just straight-up what 15- or 16-year-old me would have done in a situation where i keep getting shut down when i try to speak up. just go quiet and go along with whatever's going on. and from that point on, i would actively avoid everyone involved in the situation as much as i possibly can. just escape, get away, not deal with it again. and now i have a permanent debuff of anxiety and guilt forever. if i was forced to talk to the murphys again, i would quickly clarify what was actually going on, because at that point there's no easy escape, and trying to create a lie is infinitely more stressful than fessing up, apologizing, and freeing myself of the situation.
but evan isn't me, so let's say for him, crafting an elaborate lie is somehow less stressful than telling the truth. okay, i can buy that. what fucking baffles me, though, is how much he seemingly gets into it without feeling any anxiety at all about this horrible stressful situation he's got himself in? to the point that he goes off his meds because he says he doesn't need them anymore? you would think that hinging your entire social life on an elaborate lie that could be exposed at any moment would be the most stressful thing imaginable for someone with "getting a little bit embarrassed in front of other people makes me actually literally want to die" disorder. but no, he's just fine now lol
#i read the script for deh and it was almost impossible for me to get through because#even just thinking about the situation evan was in triggered so much anxiety in me#despite theoretically having social anxiety rep the plot is just uniquely evil to people who have it lol#like actual worst-case scenario shit all the way through#i was in high school when i read it and at that time my anxiety was so bad that not only could i barely talk to anyone just in general#i would also pretty regularly think about killing myself when i didn't complete my assignments#because literally not existing anymore seemed preferable to the embarassment of facing my teacher the next day#and admitting i didn't finish my homework. and then i realized that i had lots of stuff i actually wanted to do#and it would be fucking stupid to kill myself over homework but that's the level of anxiety we're talking about here#so i did not like the show but then all the criticism was like 'evan is an irredeemably awful person for all of this'#and i would feel terrible because i understood how he got into the situation and could see myself getting into it too#it was just unpleasant all around both the show and the reception hurt me
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I am once again in a state of acute anguish because my ✨bright genius idea tm✨ requires me to know how to draw military equipment
Someone inform my brain that I don't even know how to draw clothes pls
It's also getting worse by the minute, now it involves a background as well someone either send help or put me out of my misery
#just me complaining don't worry about it#this game is both the best and worst thing that ever happened to me#also the more overwhelmed i am the more likely i am to be a 19th century author btw it's a coping mechanism#that's because i'm dramatic as shit and would have been a theater kid if it wasn't for the crippling social anxiety
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