#and also because i like how my surface pen feels lol and

[mittenlady]

snip snip

here is an alternate version without the sink blurred. i do not like backgrounds or foregrounds

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[captainlexapro]

hang on. I just need to talk about quinn's autograph for a minute because i have so much appreciation for the effort and intention he puts into it. (also i love linguistics/language/writing and how people sign their name is actually very interesting to me)

Been thinking about this (x) article from 2021 (and also very much demko saying "thoughtful" for his one word to describe huggy at the nhl awards this year. demmer u don't understand the implications of what you just said).

teammates chirping quinn for being a slow at signing because it's not a scribble or an unintelligible flourish...but he straight up doesn't give a fuck what they think because HE wants HIS signature to be easily distinguishable for FANS. like the awareness of how special that stuff can be for people. 💙 antoine agreeing that "you should always be able to tell the name without the number." YES!!! YOU GET IT!! (don't get me wrong, there can be iconic autographs that aren't legible whatsoever but idk. to me it's something about how it's a name and i'd like to be able to read it. it's so personal and a scribble doesn't feel personal).

i wanted to see how his signature has changed/progressed over the years, so i dug around a bit to see where he's landed at this point. let's back up to the beginning!

2018 (screenshot from this vid) -

huggy's first official nhl signature!!

his draft day signature shows he's still fully spelling out his first name. it also looks just very. teenage boy who can't do cursive.

BUT the elements are already there - heavy on the Qu, the Hu, (new nickname Q-hoo? like yoohoo? no? fine.) and the s. starting to stylize the gh.

*side notes: Qu is such a rough first letters pairing rip... it's a distinct shape. printing Q doesn't flow easily into the u while cursive Q is ugly (in my opinion) and idk if a lot of people actually know what a true cursive Q looks like (hint: it looks like a 2). also, "quinn" is hard just because it's SEVEN vertical elements back to back. i honestly think doing it in cursive requires more focus than printing. hughes is fun because it has the high and low elements right next to each other, which he emphasizes.*

2019 (nhl debut) -

oh boy. sill very choppy. still have those main elements of emphasis happening.

i feel like he probably hadn't started worrying about his signature yet (this was his first game, to be fair).

not a lot of connectivity (especially in Hughes)

the n has hints of what it will become later, though, which is cool to see!

2021 (from article)-

only writing Quinn now (only one dot for an i). maybe to speed it up, maybe just bc that's the nickname he goes by, maybe both.

seeing the connecting line/stroke between the g and h more prominently

s is looking more stylized as well

i think he's picking up the pen a fair amount still (maybe up to 8 or 9 strokes in this one?). so yeah, i'm sure it took a while compared to others...

2022 (from this silly vid)-

this is kind of not a 'true' signature to me bc 1) given the nature of the video i kind of doubt he would have put 100% effort into it (complete lack of stylized s) and 2) you can tell the surface/pen combo isn't great - see the jaggedness on the gh?

this is the most ~scribbly~ version i saw. like i said, idk if i really count this one but i don't want to dig around forever to find a confirmed 2022 signature

regardless, he seems to have sped it up and is better at the cursiveness aspect. Most of it is connected - i'd guess 5 total strokes for that version.

2023 (from wallpapers on the canucks' insta)-

definitely more committed to a "look"

Qu is kind of aggressive lol and the gh stroke isn't super smooth either. HOWEVER it is 100% a stylistic element he focuses on. also it's fast to connect them, so it probably feels pretty natural. just needed more practice on keeping that stroke aligned.

officially no dotting of the i anymore - just swooping up high (again, probably helps with speed)

we have the fully stylized s! i'm actually very fond of that part because lots of people will let the last letters fall to the wayside and basically just draw a line. he's kinda doing that a smidge with the n. but there's intention on the s and it looks very nice!

2023/2024 (from canucks' wallpapers & inhousemade insta)-

here we have our latest iteration

I reallyyy like the finishing on the n - it matches well with how he does the s, which is so pretty. such a fun letter to write lol

i think the gh line has been fully mastered at this point. and it's a good way to keep his signature legible but still give it a unique flair. not everyone's signature/name has that type of line so ppl can pick his name out rather easy i would guess.

i think huggy's probably settled on autograph style/look at this point. but i will still keep an eye out to see if he decides to try a new element!

thanks for reading and hopefully you found this mildly interesting ☺️

[eww-y-tho]

Colin VS Toxic Masculinity and Why Penelope Had to Reveal Herself as LW

I made a previous post with my two cents on why the idea of them both figuring out a solution to LW was an inferior concept to just Penelope figuring it out on her own, but it was small and I want to go more in-depth.

So, in order to grasp ✨my perspective✨ of the story, we first need to talk about Colin's struggles with toxic masculinity and his inferiority complex.

Naturally, Colin is a hopeless romantic with demisexual tendencies and a more prominent softness compared to other male leads. He's a bit dense (I say with love) until he figures out what he wants and how he's going to get it, and then he is a man of frankly ridiculous action. He's a sensitive boi who has a difficult time fitting in with the other men in his life and being taken seriously by his family, as he puts it himself. An empath, lol.

Honestly, Colin being a "rake" was an integral point of his character arc, and if you haven't picked up on that text by now, I would ask where your media literacy is. Violet put it best, he's putting on armour to protect himself from the way that society treats his character, and naturally, he develops a small, albeit persistent inferiority complex because of this. He doesn't feel like he's providing enough to the people around him because of toxic masculine standards.

I honestly think it's been with him since s1, and Pen is the only person who could bring these thoughts to the surface, which is why it comes to a head in s3 p2.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In his efforts to fit in, he does some questionable things, such as the 2x8 comment, which he regrets as soon as he realizes how much damage it has done to his relationship with Pen. He hangs around with douchebags that he can't stand because he feels a need to conform and "be the kind of man society expects him to be."

But he also absorbs toxic masculine tendencies in the process. His gut instinct of general envy that a woman, Pen, is more successful than him (I hate to put it that bluntly, but that's how I took it), asking for her to quit LW because of these reasons, completely disregarding Pen's autonomy and her perspective by blindly charging forward to stop Cressida's blackmail, among other smaller things.

It's kind of ✨subtle✨, but I know it's there.

Pair that with his inferiority complex and you have a man who is trying to put down Penelope to his level, if that makes sense. By this point, he's already conquered the idea that he needs to conform by the way he cuts off his toxic friend group, but he isn't completely free from the systemic perspective.

Therefore, the idea that Pen would need him in order to find a solution to her problem confirms that toxic masculine trait. Let's be real, Penelope didn't and doesn't need Colin in order to help with LW's problems. She's managed without him before and will continue to manage it by herself. This is not to say that Penelope doesn't have an issue with accepting help from others and feeling the need to handle her problems alone because of her old situation, but she takes the emotionally intelligent move by LITERALLY voicing what she needs from Colin and their relationship.

She needs his companionship, she needs his love, she needs a rock she can come to at the end of the day and be able to depend on. She does not need him to do anything for LW, as it is a part of her identity and an accomplishment that she is proud of and will not let go of. Colin cannot make the demand that she drop everything she's worked for for him.

And that's how relationships work in the real world. You have things you are willing to let go of, and some things you are not. Your partner has to accept those boundaries you have set or leave the relationship, and you shouldn't have to abandon those things in order to get the person of your dreams, because that would make it a toxic relationship from the start and will most likely end in you losing parts of yourself in your partner.

Anyway, all this is to say that Penelope had to get out of her situation by her own means and with full autonomy on what she wanted to do to finish off her character arc.

And Colin needed to realize that his envy is a baseless emotion that simply has no value compared to the woman he knows her as. A strong, independent woman who doesn't need him to do things for her. He also needed to humble himself and see the way that LW is not competing with him, but a part of her. They both demonstrate that what they need from the relationship is not transactional in nature, but rather a shared bond powered by love.

I understand the idea of wanting them to both find a way out of the blackmail as a team, but again, that's explicitly not what they need from each other, and why I think this perspective is again a misunderstanding of their character arcs.

I think I've articulated this the best way I can, but I do know I wanted to say some other things. I'm tired tho, so yeah, ending it here.

Hopefully, this made sense.

Bai!

[genericpuff]

When it comes to a drawing tablet do you recommend a beginner get one with a screen or one without specifically for webcomics?

So what you use the tablet for ultimately doesn't matter. Webcomics, illustration, animation, they're just different expressions of the same overall skillset. I've gone from using desk tablets to screen tablets and then back to desk tablets again. My current setup is a Huion Inspiroy Giano which is a very large desk tablet (no screen) with a Huion Kamvas 22 Plus as my display (screen).

(hi jim lol)

Now this obviously seems INCREDIBLY redundant but the reason why it's like that is because I used to use the Huion Kamvas 22 Plus as my screen tablet... until the pen input stopped working :)""" But it still works perfectly fine as a display! When I was shopping around for new drawing tablets though, I wasn't sure if I wanted to take the financial risk on another screen tablet. The Huions are a lot cheaper than the Wacom models which is great for people looking for inexpensive options, but if it meant I'd have to replace my screen tablets more often than my old Wacom Cintiq, then it wasn't gonna be worth it (but I didn't want to dump $2k on a tablet again LOL)

So I wound up getting a desk tablet instead! I had used Wacom desk tablets a lot prior to screens, and while it had been a few years, I re-adjusted in no time. The Huion Inspiroy Giano is, so far, a very reliable tablet. It just connects with a USB, no crazy 3-in-1 cables like the screen displays. It satisfies my need for a large tablet (seriously, if I can offer any piece of advice in regards to tablets, size does often matter because if a tablet is too small you'll be over-relying on your wrist for motions which isn't good for line integrity or your hand health!!!!) but it didn't break my budget like the Wacom tablets (and didn't feel as risky as buying another Kamvas 22 Plus after what happened the last time).

The only downside to it is that it has a bit of a rough surface to it which I find does a lot of initial wearing down on the nibs. I mean fr look at this thing-

And that will happen after only like, a few hours of use LOL that said, I've been using this nib for like 2 months now and it hasn't worn down more than that, so if you don't mind your nibs having a visible slant to them, it really doesn't cause any other issues.

That said, I've only had this tablet for about half a year now. I also used to sing praises for the Kamvas 22 Plus until it suddenly decided it wasn't going to work anymore without explanation, so... take my review of the Inspiroy Giano with grains of salt. At least though if this thing mysteriously stops working like the Kamvas did, I'll only have to pay $200-$300 to replace it vs. the Kamvas' $700+. It's still not a small amount of money, but it pays itself off quickly (and it's a lot cheaper compared to the equivalent Intuos Pro line from Wacom, which costs upwards of $500+ for a decently sized one).

Screen tablets are definitely helpful to have though, and I wouldn't object to returning to the screen displays once I can justify dropping money on one again. I still use a screen display on the go via my iPad Pro. But I don't think desk tablets should be taken for granted as a perfectly viable tool either, I think the initial learning curve tends to intimidate people a lot, but they're really quite comfortable to use once you adjust to the translation of desk tablet to monitor. You can also adjust the screen settings through the tablet driver anyways, which is what I did for my tablet because it was a little too big in spots where I had to reach really far to get to the color wheel tab on the right... so I just reduced the screen ratio to make up for it :)

I find once you learn how to use both - and learn your foundations in digital art - the desk tablet vs. screen tablet debate just boils down to personal preference rather than any real difference in what they can do for your art. I've drawn stuff like Rekindled on screen displays, desk tablets, iPads, etc. You might try a desk tablet and not like it after a while (though again, with the initial skill ceiling of adjusting to it, give it a few weeks of trying if you can, you will not immediately get used to it overnight!!!) and decide that screen tablets are more up your alley.

It really depends on what you're wanting to pay for a tablet. Though like with any new skillset that you're just getting into, I wouldn't recommend dropping money on the most expensive tool because ultimately the differences between expensive and cheap aren't going to be noticeable to you until you actually learn the skill itself, and it's not uncommon at all for people to pick up a new skill, shell out shitloads to learn it, and then get discouraged when it takes a while and makes the expense feel like a waste. Those higher end tablets are often more suited for professionals, not because they're "only meant for pros", but because pros will be able to fully utilize all their upper-skill features in a way a newbie who's still learning how to use a desk tablet won't.

Thankfully, it's easier than ever to get an affordable tablet that's easy to learn and Wacom is no longer the "only option", so I highly recommend looking into brands like Huion, XP-Pen, and Gaomon, as they offer very inexpensive tablets with a wide array of options from desk tablets to screen displays. Make sure you do your research on them, check out places like reddit for actual human reviews, note that every brand and tablet will come with their pros and cons, so it's really just about weighing out what you feel will work best for you and what you're trying to achieve!

And of course, if you're looking to draw comics specifically, look into Clip Studio Paint! It goes on sale at least twice a year, the PRO version is literally all you need to get started (EX comes with some helpful features like Teamwork, but like those fancy high end tablets, they won't necessarily be useful to someone who's just starting out). The PRO version comes with all the rulers, panel cutters, text tools, etc. that you need to get into making comics, it's a great piece of software !!!

I hope that helps!!! Best of luck!! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

[88venom]

could u perhaps share what pencils, pens, and highlighters u use for traditional art?

⬆️ for inking / coloring i use pens from MUJI (the red and green ones are 0.5 and the dark blue and black are 0.3 they're my favorite i use them all the time, they also sell refills and it's cheaper to buy refills) you can buy them online if you don't have a MUJI shop nearby (i'm sorry they all look musty asf lol i've been using them for ages they've seen hell)

i also use color pens from MINISO they're the same kind as the MUJI ones but they feel slightly different also they're pretty cheap

⬆️ i also like brush pens to color wider surfaces this one is really good it's called Pigma brush archival ink, i got the red one because it's my fave color to work with traditionally :-3

⬆️ for sketching i use random xenos pencils they are pretty cheap and they work just fine i really like how they feel on paper but i don't remember where i got them,, i use them to plan out a drawing / make a light handed rough sketch i can line over afterwards. Any cheap color pencil works fine for this step

I also use a mechanical pencil from Faber Castel in 0.5 with HB (Grip 1345 for reference). I remember it was like 7€ which was kind of a lot for a pen but the grip is really good and it's very steady i love it

Erasers are MONO zero and the green one is a random one i got when i was in highschool like 6 years ago lol i think they're easy to find though.

***

hope this helps! it's nothing much because i don't like overwhelming myself with lots of materials im sorry if you expected more!

[vidavalor]

Please tell me you think there's a word thing happening with the turnip and the inkwell because I can't make it make sense.

Hi there. 💕 Hope you're having a great week so far. I'm making spaghetti tonight, if you would like some. With fresh basil from my herb garden. 😊 I have some ideas on it below. I believe there are word things happening, yes.

The turnip and the inkwell has two levels of meaning, imo. It first comes up when Aziraphale is roleplaying his magic act for Crowley, who is standing in for the audience, which is all a bit meta. On this level, it's a metaphor for the creative process. How so? Well...

Turnips are boring as fuck vegetables lol. No one, in the history of the world, has ever craved a turnip and, yet, we'd be sunk without them, especially as they are also grown to feed the animals on which some of us feed. Metaphorically, a turnip is the boring, banal, everyday blahs of life. Common human experiences that link us together but appear uninteresting on the surface until, through some creative magic, a way to bring them to life is uncovered. To turn those turnips into inkwells through a spark of divine magic and then some human labor?

That is to tell a story. It's what making art is.

That is only one of the two metaphors at work in the scene, though.

There is another level of this, which is that the turnip and the inkwell are also a metaphor that Aziraphale came up with when creating his magic act. He created it within the context of the story of Good Omens so it has a whole, other meaning to him and Crowley.

For the below stuff: TWs: SA, PTSD

To look at a metaphor meant to be penned by Crowley and/or Aziraphale in the story, we have to come at it from a word history and wordplay direction. To come at the turnip and the inkwell from an etymological standpoint, then, is to start with the turnip-- and that means learning about the history of a word that we use commonly today to describe a heinous act: rape.

Rape is an Old French word that comes from the Latin words rapum and rapa. Best that people can tell, it wasn't until sometime in the 14th century that the word began to mean a sexual violation. Originally, the word rape was the name given to what we now refer to in English as the turnip.

At the time, rape was not just the name for the turnip but also an umbrella name for anything in the category of plants that we now refer to as Brassica rapa-- with the Latin roots still visible in there, as you can see. The turnip is still the most commonly grown plant in that category and the main root vegetable. Also in that category are plants that we now call napa cabbage and bok choy, among a few other, less common ones. Rapeseed oil is derived from plants in this category and was once, like the turnip, referred to just as rape. For a little while in the late 1800s, it was also referred to by a name I'll include here as it feels relevant: bird's rape.

In his magic act, Aziraphale transforms a literal turnip into a literal inkwell because it's metaphoric for what he considers his true skill as a magician-- helping to turn his Brassica rapa'd partner into a well (healthiness; full container; water source) of sexually euphemistic ink.

The turnip and the inkwell is the bits of the Fish meta that discuss Crowley and Aziraphale dealing with Satan's attacks on Crowley and what that all had to with ancient Rome, etc., in a metaphor, basically, and one that Aziraphale made up in the story.

Other posts involving this theme and Crowley, should you be interested: the one on Satan's abuse of Crowley; the one about the show using allusions to the myth of Hades & Persephone in this bit of Crowley & Aziraphale's story; and part of the deep dive into what it means to dance.

[rontra]

Can I ask how you hold your pen + tablet when you draw? (My wrists started hurting n I wanna figure out how to make it stop lol)

pardon any awkwardness in this post whether phrasing- or formatting-wise I’m typing it on my phone at like 8am HSBDBSB

I hold my pen in a pretty standard(???) grip like this

I sit at a desk (w a desktop computer) and do not use a screen tablet. So I try to keep a pretty upright posture. my tablet is laid firmly on my desk and I can look straight ahead while I draw, which is good for me (my neck/back can get sore easily)

However I do have wrist problems. I can’t always draw as much as I want to, and I often won’t “double dip” on strenuous activities (for example I usually decide whether to play a video game OR draw, and don’t do both on the same day)

(or I can only play specific games, like ones that are purely mouse-controlled (=opposite hand). You get the idea)

Without knowing your exact like, drawing setup and habits (and medical history for that matter) it’s hard to give specific like Hard Advice—but in general try to keep good posture (sit straight, try to use a seat with good lower back support, don’t hunch) and keep loosy goosy. try not to hold tension in your body if possible (including the fingers—hold your pencil loosely and don’t grip it tightly)

you might benefit from assessing How you draw and adapt certain parts to relieve how much work your wrist is doing (do you rest your hand on the drawing surface and rely entirely on wrist movements to draw curves/etc? Is it possible to raise your arm up from the desk and use your whole arm/elbow to draw larger gestures instead of causing repetitive strain to the wrist?)

(the settings in your art software—does your brush demand too much pen pressure? Can you adjust the pen pressure settings to respond better to a lighter touch? <- This was Huge for me!!!)

Do stretches before you begin. Take intermittent breaks to do stretches again while you draw. You can look up stretches for artists online!

If your wrists are already hurting then something is already wrong. You should be strictly resting whenever this happens and trying to minimize how much strain you put on your wrist, ideally until you feel no pain at all (and depending on how tender your wrist is, maybe a little after that too just for good measure). I use a wrist brace with a metal plate inside to keep my wrist as immobile as possible when I’m resting. If your problems persist like mine, a solid immobilizing brace is really a godsend. Don’t wear a brace while drawing, but put it on when you stop to rest (even if you don’t urgently feel any pain!)

The most hard to swallow advice—but also the most true—is that you should never work to the point of pain. This sucks, because sometimes I’m in a groove and a drawing is going really well and “if I just push through this slight discomfort the art will be finished and it’ll feel awesome”. This is The Deceiver. You never want to work until it hurts. If you (like me) tend to get caught up in the flow and find it hard to stop midway, get in the habit of checking in with yourself at a set interval (eg set a timer, or make up a rule based on your habits like “after every 2nd Monitor Youtube Video I half-watch while drawing, check to see how my wrist is feeling” (<- meee)) and if you feel discomfort or pain, you have to stop and rest

Getting into good habits NOW is the only way to protect your FUTURE wrist... So you have to bite this lemon for me and stop having fun when your wrist starts to complain. Which sucks a lot. But trust me HDNDBHS

Sorry if I sound like a big downer and/or a fussy worrywart but yknow. I have wrist problems that do prevent me from doing things I want to do sometimes and I hate to see it blooming in other artists 😭 take care of yourself anon!

I’m probably forgetting something because I’m very tired rn (and ironically my wrist hurts so I’m gonna put my phone down and sleep) but if possible you should ask a doctor to have a feel, and tell them any other symptoms (numbness, prickling, etc) if you have them. I’m not a doctor and idk what you have going on, but a wrist brace is pretty easy to acquire and wear, so I do generally recommend that!

Like tldr imo its about the preventatives (good habits like posture and taking breaks) and listening to your body (both during work and when resting in between work!). Wrist problems can get seriously bad if you don’t take measures to slow em down. Good luck! Take care of yourself!!!! 😭🫡

[damnfandomproblems]

https://www.tumblr.com/damnfandomproblems/754768130433302528/5168-that-one-anon-get-the-fuck-out-of-fandom?source=share

Just who are you talking to lol?

"""That One Anon: Get the fuck out of fandom then if you are That against "theft". Your blorbos aren't yours, then, they belong to the original creators. Go pick up a pen and write your own characters, thief. Never make a creative aspect without citing every single possible subconscious influence you took for it. That head tilt you drew? The concept of a sad backstory? Proper credit only, you thief."""

You sound like anne rice.

The difference anon is not about the characters. No one is claiming they own characters from certain shows, or claiming that they are their own original designs.

Its about how AI datasets are trained on the art of other artists without their consent.

People love fan art. Most if not all smaller artist will love you if you decide to draw or write fan pieces about their characters. Games and shows would not be as popular as they are without fandoms. Many encourage the making of fanart and fanfic. I know genshin impact for example expressly allows the selling of fan made merch and even hosts hoyofair for fans to show off their fanart and such. Its not theft to draw a character but its theft to claim it as your own.

Its theft to generate images made from stolen artwork and claim it as your own original "art".

You also don't understand the concept of copyright laws.

"""Oh, what's that? You don't count?""

I do count actually. If i made a game and stole the characters from a bunch of other games and tried making money off it while claiming them as my own i would actually be in trouble.

Transformative works like fan art and fanfic dont count usually because these days by default as long as you dont try and claim it (the characters and canon stuff) as your own, you are more than allowed, encouraged even, to create and sell those things. Unless its disney. Because disney sucks.

Im probably not the best person to explain these nuances to you

Please actually educate yourself about transformative works.

"""I read books daily. I write and draw from pure imagination, and study artists on youtube to get better at drawing."""

Good for you? So do i lol?

"""I also think AI is a tool that can be used for good or ill, and it's how people use it that matters. Much like how a keyboard doesn't stop a human from sending anon hate."""

I tried responding to this but it got so long and convoluted that im just going to hope someone else has the patience to answer something as ignorant as this.

"""I'd commission artists if I could! I've done so in the past. But guess what, I don't feel safe asking for commissions now on the off chance a artist realizes I think AI is a tool like any other and harasses me when I never would have brought it up. Despite the fact many artists both fandom and original have tons of influences both credited and not. I've seen human artists and writers get accused of AI for STYLISTIC CHOICES that anyone with half a thought should be able to tell was artist intent and inline with previous works."""

1. That's a personal problem dude. Maybe you should reflect on why artists might not like you for using something that actively steals their work. Also this low-key screams entitlement.

2. What does the rest of that have to do with anything. I think you forgot to connect why any of that was important.

"""I can count on one hand the amount of collage art/blackout poetry/drawn over photographs I've seen in public museums that were properly credited beyond the editor. I can't count the amount of media I've seen that nudges at other pre-existing works that was either hyped up for it or was said to justify that aspect."""

I believe you should actually do some research on those things before bringing up your surface level observations in your argument.

"""Ko-fi tipping, Patron subscriptions, sales of generically labled charms and prints and fanart to get around what's Actually being sold. Art style memes, art referenced from canonical works as intentional homage uncredited. Uncredited style inspiration. The entire existence of unsourced, constantly remixed memes.

You gonna claim that's all fine, but anons should expect to be accused of being "techbros" and linked to foreign words meaning "masturbating and crying" for just asking what an artstyle from a artist is called? That it's actually FINE to drive off people wanting to be creative no matter the medium because that particular one 'isn't art' and so no one can want to be a artist and use it?"""

See that all falls apart if you would all just realize stuffing stolen art into a machine, putting in a prompt to get a random result, is not creativity. There is nothing creative about that.

Best analogy i can come up with rn is thats almost like me searching for "powdered donuts" in the walmart online store and just picking whatever one i think looks best and then claiming i made the donuts. Instead of going to a bakery and custom ordering exactly what i want or making it myself.

The biggest difference between AI and other artforms is that what AI produces and generates is not creative. Theres no actual thought or consideration going into most of the work.

The machine itself is amazing. The programming needed to make such a thing function properly is actually impressive. But what it produces is not creative. And if you knew anything about how these machines and programs worked you would be able to understand that.

"""I swear I've gone back to the 2010s and 'is digital art REAL art though? the computer draws the line for you? You aren't a REAL artist, you just use photoshop to edit things.'

"That's still done by a human person though-"

Hypocrite. Get the fuck out of fandom."""

Again. If you actually understood how "AI" works you would understand the difference.

Its not hypocritical and this is a false equivalence. You are ignoring the process which differentiates these things in favor of focusing on the fact they are both machines.

In digital art it is almost no different that traditional. The difference being it doesnt use materials, and you have the cool undo and redo button, and other effects buttons you would not get with traditional art. You also dont HAVE to use those things and you are forgetting that you have to learn how they work and use them MANUALLY.

People who use digital art dont claim its easier either. Its more convenient. But as a digital artist, its imcredibly difficult and time consuming depending on what im making. I have a personal project that has 170+ hours on it. Even with all my fancy buttons ive had to go back and redo things countless times and fiddle with things. I have to deliberately choose what color goes where, what brush to use, what layer setting i need ect ect. And its all original.

Saying digital art isnt real art is like saying driving an automobile doesnt count as driving because you have a bunch of buttons and levers to do what you want instead of ordering horses around on a wooden carriage.

With AI the machine does everything for you. Its about the same as googling a picture of a bunny (typing a prompt), choosing a picture (taking what's generated), and posting it and claiming its your own. (Theft)

So no. People who use AI can get the fuck out of fandom. Thanks.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

[eggs-can-draw]

komaeda anon: you really can't tell me that arm doesn't rot so fast since it's pretty exposed okay, so Armdroid. Real reason he's hiding it is bc he replaced the arm with a fake one that looks dead but no it's his Armdroid

me: if the transplantation didn't go well it would be swollen within days but in canon timeline somehow (more his luck than Mikan's skill, she's a nurse, not a surgeon) it did and he still has that arm when he wakes up from the NWP in 2.5? but yeah, it should have rotted away and give him a gangrene

you: first off I have a theory that the Junko hand isn't actually like attached. His hand was amputated and he still removed hers, but both are sealed up and either stitches together with no internal organs meshing, or he's using the bandages to keep them together. I dunno that's at least my explanation for how he hasn't died from like 17 different infections. For Fuyuhiko I'm willing to believe it's infected, and for Mikan she might be taking medication or smth to prevent sepsis. 100% believe Fuyuhiko got the Junk-eye removed asap post game, Mikan might still need medication for the you know what

Yin: yeah post despair Mikan definitely but I doubt pre nwp Mikan would WANT to take medicine for it

you: yeah but I could also see it as something she does so she can 'Continue her beloved's legacy' n stuff. I feel like the market for cool glass eyes on Fuyuhiko is too unexplored. Imagine like one that looks like a snake eye or smth

Yin: and au wise mini Kokichi just hides it just because of pranking Fuyuhiko: WHERE'S MY EYE?! mini Kokichi, standing in front of the potted plant he hid it in: who knows, uncle Fuyuhiko, it's a mystery

Nagito: Kichi do you know where my arm went? mini Kokichi in front of a different potted plant he hid it in: who knows, dad, it's a mystery

he just hides people's things in potted plants and his hiding stuff skills do NOT get better lol Miu: ey cockichi where's my tools?? Kokichi in front of the same potted plant as the last time he hid stuff: who knows bitchlet you probably had Kiiboy swallow them for fun

Shuichi: Kokichi where's my hat? Kokichi in front of THE SAME POTTED PLANT: wow Shumai, how dare you accuse me, I'm offended!! Shuichi: Kichi, I've known you since forever. I KNOW it's in that plant Kokichi: rude

firedemongaming: 'then why did you even ask?' 'I wanted to give you the opportunity to confess like you just did'

Yin: Kokichi: touché, Shumai, rude but touché Kaede: Kichi, have you seen my sheet music? Kokichi in front of the potted plant: kay-ay-day you're accusing me?! bursts into fake tears Kaede: Kichi ever since we met you've done the exact same thing twice a week, I KNOW it's in that plant Kokichi:...... whaaaaaat nooooooo books it Kaede: digs in the plant dirt and pulls out the sheet music every single time hahaha

firedemongaming: Correction, there is a single time he experiences better hiding skills and naturally it's to annoy Kaito. Kaito; 'ok. Where is it?' Kokichi: stood In front of a potted plant 'where's what?' Kaito: 'my space pen. Where is it?!' Kokichi: 'i have no idea what you're talking about!' Kaito: 'you hid it in the plant pot, didn't you?' Kokichi: 'whaaaat? Noooo! I'm offended you'd even suggest that' Kaito: 'yeah right' starts digging through the plant pot, only to realise it wasn't there. 'I swear, I will find where you hid it and there will be consequences!' storms off Kokichi: walks over to the flower pot opposite the one he stood in front of and pulled out a space pen buried just below the surface 'silly Kaito didn't ask which flower pot' He hides the pen in the pot kaito has already checked. Just to fuck with him more

Shu walks up to him: why do you have that Kokichi, smug: to get back at him for taking my oreos Shu:didn't you take his takis first? Kokichi:... irrelevant, wanna help me hide this? Shu:..... sure Kokichi: lead the way my beloved Shumai Shu: if you keep saying stuff like that people are gonna think we're dating Kokichi:.....we're not???

I really need to draw this at some point lol

[silima]

Ik you've answered this/similar questions before but I've looked through some of ur tags and can't find it. I want to buy my sister a drawing tablet but really have no idea which ones are the best. Like I did look some things up, but I thought I'd ask for some people (who like draw on tablets) too.

no worries, for whatever reason my art advice tag is like 90% nonfunctional and it’s like, the only tag of mine that does that ☹️ i will say, i have only owned a couple different tablets (so obviously i’m not gonna be able to tell you if there are better models out there) but i’ve liked all of them!

i think this is the first tablet i ever used? it’s hard for me to be sure, because it was really long ago. basic wacom tablet with a black screen. it takes more effort to pick up the skill of putting your hand on a blank black surface while creating an image on the screen, but something cheap like this is nice if you’re not able to commit to something more expensive and aren’t sure how far you want to take the hobby.

(to be clear, it’s not like this kind of tablet necessarily limits you—ikimaru, who’s been a super popular digital artist for years, makes gorgeous art on a bamboo CTH-460 which is a model you can buy on ebay for $18. it’s just that it takes a little more getting used to.)

also, wacom is the brand i used for a basic tablet, and I didn’t mind mine, but i have heard wacom sometimes is a little sketchy with planned obsolescence type stuff 😵‍💫 like the pen nibs supposedly wear out way quicker than, for example, the huion brand, so you might want to check out what huion’s got. i will say: i used that wacom tablet for 1-6 hrs/day for several years and had no problems, BUT many people on the internet seem to prefer huion over wacom. up to you.

still, i honestly think you can do well with any tablet that has a stylus and pen pressure lol (which is basically all of them). like there are lots of different tablets with lots of different features out there, but the only feature that i found made a real difference to me was touchscreen vs. non-touchscreen.

non-touchscreen tablets are totally usable and usually way less expensive, but the touchscreen is really nice to have if it’s in your budget. it feels closer to traditional art and is easier to pick up.

I personally have never used a touchscreen tablet that was just a drawing tablet—i’ve used a surface pro 4 (a touchscreen computer) and an ipad pro. both were very nice. honestly, I didn’t notice a huge difference in the feeling of drawing on the screens of the surface pro vs the ipad—the biggest thing for me was the art programs. some programs are only compatible with computers and some programs are only compatible with ipads. here’s what I personally noticed:

krita (nice for painting) and ms paint (fun for dicking around in) are both NOT available on ipad, at least as far as i know

rebelle 5 pro (supposedly a very cool program for emulating real painting), which is currently on a huge sale rn (it’s $20, normally costs $150) and is also NOT available on ipad

paint tool sai, as far as i know, is not available on ipad

clip studio paint is available on BOTH ipad and computer, but is more expensive on ipad (it’s a monthly subscription instead of a one-time purchase).

procreate is ONLY compatible with ipad, and is, personally, my favorite art program i’ve ever used. there’s a brush or two from krita that i miss, but for the most part, procreate is solidly better than any other art program i’ve used.

most of the nicest animation programs seem to be incompatible with ipad; the ones that work on ipad are quite basic. this is the only major sticking point for me lol

one thing about ipad that you might’ve read about in your research is this feature that lets you tilt the pencil and draw as if you’re using the “flat” side of it:

this is sometimes cool and sometimes inconvenient, so it kinda balances out to neutral. if you’re torn between ipad and a different touchscreen tablet then don’t decide off this feature lol.

if your sister already has an ipad (or if you’ve got a family one that she has decent access to), it might be a nice thing to just get her a compatible apple pencil, so you can save money on the tablet.

but yeah! those are the models i’ve used and i’ve liked them all. even if you get her a relatively cheap non-touchscreen tablet she can still make really cool art with it and have a lot of fun. good luck!

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm realising things about myself/my brain again lol (this time it's nothing super sad at least)

so I unfortunately have this problem where I get very obsessed with things and then have to buy everything related to that thing. like - right now it's fountain pens and ink, or records when it's music, or merchandise and stuff like that.

and I think it's because I want to spend all my time with just this one thing/topic/person/hobby, but the buying too many things aspect isn't always there. so I was wondering why that is, because I do like the things that I buy, but it doesn't feel like it's enough, like sometimes I feel so excited to get the things I ordered but then they get here and it's like.. hmm. this did nothing for me 🤷 and I often get very confused about that because I wanted this so much, why doesn't it make me happy??

and I think what causes that is when something is stopping me from doing what I really want to do. like right now I want to sit at my dining table and have lots of room to put all my inks and stuff on there to really use them. but I can't, because 1. my entire body hurts so I can't sit in a chair, 2. I have no energy again so I can't really focus, and 3. the table is completely covered in stuff so I couldn't sit there anyway.

so I can't do the thing that I actually want to do, and instead I do something else that I can do: buying stuff. that I then can't use because of the issue that caused me to buy stuff, and that makes me more frustrated and that just makes all of it worse.

chaos around me is a huge part of this. when everything is cluttered and messy, I can't think about anything else. but I usually don't have the energy to clean, so I try to do stuff anyway without putting things away when I'm done, and it just keeps getting messier and that makes me even less able to tidy up.

and I think I do sort of know when that is happening but I usually don't actively realise it? I think that's why I 'randomly' decided I need to rearrange the furniture in our entire apartment. I do that pretty often, basically whenever there's something that makes me unable to focus or do stuff - like the table being in the wrong spot for me to comfortably use it, or things being left on surfaces they're not supposed to be on.

so then I rearrange stuff or get another shelf or make whatever changes that need to be made to fix the problems that I had with the old layout, and that makes it better, because those problems are now fixed. but then new problems show up over time and it starts all over again. every time I do this it feels like 'this is it, this is perfect right, this is definitely going to fix all my organisational problems'. but of course it never lasts.

this also happens in slightly different ways. like when I got really into buying records, my brain came up with all these very strict rules for how I had to handle, store, clean, organise and listen to them. it has to be perfect. I have to do it the right way - that I have no say in basically - or I can't do it at all. so I started organising my records, and I wasn't allowed to listen to them until they had been cleaned and labeled and sorted and put into my spreadsheet. but that took a long time because of lots of different things, so in the meantime I kept buying more because I couldn't listen to the ones I already had. which meant I then had more records to organise, and it just. kept. getting. worse. I never finished cleaning them. I only listened to a few of them. and whenever I look at them I feel very ashamed because that means I failed.

the fountain pens and ink situation right now is similar - I get back into this hobby, I want to do something but either don't know/can't figure out exactly what it is, or other circumstances keep me from doing it. so I buy. and when I buy I have to organise (it's not optional, I really HAVE to do it). which leads to more chaos while I get out all the (many) things I need to do that - because it needs to be perfect. no, it needs to be right. I don't even see it as perfection, it's just the only option. I can't do it any other way except the way my brain tells me it needs to done.

I have no idea what the point of this post is, and I think this is probably pretty obvious to other people? but I have to realise this over and over again every few months and somehow this knowledge never stays in my brain 🤷 so. I guess maybe writing it here might help me remember. though to be honest I know it won't, it's like my brain is completely resistant to keeping information long term. 🤷

[sacredsapling]

Art Tips for Vibrant Lighting

Some tips and tricks for getting glowy, beautiful, vibrant lighting effects...especially in traditional art, with no ctrl+z! The example piece is a watercolor work in progress of mine and, if you’re familiar with watercolor, you know it’s super unforgiving. What you put down stays!

Tip 1: Create a thumbnail

Do a very loose, messy sketch of your illustration. This helps define the composition, but it can also help you pick where your light is coming from and what colors you’ll use for it. This way, you can reference the light source and colors while you’re painting!

Even if you’re working digitally, this creates a great color key you can turn back to. You can make a thumbnail digitally or traditionally. 

This thumbnail only took about 20 minutes...and it’s saved so many headaches during the painting process. 

When you have a thumbnail, the rest of your painting is just a translation of those colors with a better technique. 

Tips:

Feel free to make many thumbnails! This is the easiest step to revise and repeat.

Use a photo for inspiration for your color scheme. I used clouds in the evening as color references. 

Play around with layers and effects (like overlay, multiply). This can help you figure out new colors that you can then try to capture traditionally!

Tip 2: Don’t forget about your lines!

Line art is important for gradients! I did mine first, so I had to consider the glow effect too. It’s a bit blurry (as its a screenshot from a reel, lol), but you can see yellows to dark browns and blacks. This established the glow from the start!

Tips:

Consider using a media you can get gradients in. I used acryla gouache here, but ink, watercolor, and even markers can work well! 

If it’s hard to visualize highlights in line art, do the lines after with pen or paint! Adding shadows and highlights that way can be easier. 

Tip 3: Start with big gradients first

Once you have your sketch on paper finished, start with large gradients! This helps define your light source and keep your whole composition making sense. 

Here, I started with the background sky, then added in the shadow coming off the wing before doing anything else. Take note of how helpful the thumbnail was in helping me lay this all out, too!

Tip 4: Think warm to cool

See how both the hair and wings move from warm (yellow/browns) to cool colors (blues, payne’s grey)? This is a surefire way to keep the strong light source and make it look like the light is glowing!

Tips:

This is all about keeping the colors close to your light source, so if your light source is cool (like the moon), your highlights are cool and your shadows are warm tones. The key is just to keep it consistent! 

Lighting isn’t just light to dark gradients. It’s also warm to cool/cool to warm!

Think about all the spots the light catches (like that one front feather on the left top). It takes a lot of thinking through, but it’ll make a huge impact! (Remember, you can always revisit your thumbnail or add more details in there)

Don’t forget about reflected light, bouncing off another surface. It’ll be more subtle than the main light source, but still there!

Final Tips:

Love those gradients! Watercolor is meant for beautiful gradients, so use multiple colors for a glow. The feathers in the light go from yellow ochre to prussian blue to payne’s grey.

Start with the highlights first, then work into the shadows! Above, the skin isn’t even painted with shadows yet, because I wanted to get the lighting first.

This is just a WIP right now, but I hope these tips help! If you want to follow, I’ll be posting more progress pics (and the finished illustration soon too). :D

My: Instagram | Twitter

[dont-talk-back-to-heapass]

Captainsona Picrew Time!!!

Here is, as promised, the big post with the taglist and shit. I made it in the form of an FAQ because idk how to do this lol.

What is this project?

I'm making a picrew (an avatar maker on the Picrew website) for In Space With Markiplier captainsonas! If you don't know what that means, go watch ISWM, I am begging you, it is so good. Ahem. Anyway, it'll have a lot of customization, from canonical outfits to lots of facial expressions to realistic and rainbow skin colors. I will be posting updates on the project, and taking input and suggestions, during the long, long, process of making it. This post is general info and an FAQ for the project and the process.

When will this be done?

To be honest, I don't know. I have a lot of stuff going on, and while I am really passionate about this project, it takes many many hours to make even one part of a picrew.

As of making this post, I've spent around nine hours on just the drawing, not including uploading and figuring out the actual Picrew side of things, and I only have the ears and head uploaded, with the mouths almost done but not even colored.

So it will take a while. However, I do plan to post it as a WIP when I have enough of it done to be somewhat usable.

What's the taglist for? How do I add or remove myself?

The taglist is a list of people that want to be tagged when I post updates about the picrew. (You can also follow #captainsona picrew, if you want to see them but don't want to be tagged.) It'll be at the bottom of each post about the project, under the cut.

To add or remove yourself, just let me know via ask, dm, comment, or tag!

What program/brush are you using?

I use Krita, a free art program, on my Windows Surface 8 and a brush called "d) Ink-3 Gpen" (the yellow pen one that's in the favorites by default). It's a square-ish brush that doesn't change opacity, so it's good for the clean, solid lines I want in my picrew.

How do I make suggestions?

You can drop suggestions in my ask box, or message me directly! (If it's in the tags or comments of a post, it may get lost.) Feel free to just chat with me, too!

Why are you doing X that way? Don't you know there's a way more efficient/standard/easy way to do it?

Nope, I don't! This is my first time making a picrew, my first time making a taglist, and my first time making such a big project. If you have any suggestions on how I can do any of the above better or easier, please do let me know.

(taglist under the cut)

Taglist (hopefully up-to-date)

@intellexual-asexual (as promised) @goldglitch @zephyrus77 @technologyvoid @nicenice7 @kaar-ne @lostglassguitars @happistar @hink12 @captain-m-faye @weird-hellsite @dimnomss @i-got-a-bad-feeling-about-this @god-tier-bastard @bluewolfangel @themanbehindurfather @calvin-kingofwhatever @worldtravelerbuff @kai-justis @backtothefuturefan88 @fennfruners @catonfence @i-need-a-real-username @yourthoughtsjim @the-fat-raccoon @inesdsleep @the-actor-you-love-to-hate @weirdmixofweirdness @flerpdederp-likes @captain-heebie-jeebie @starry-nightengale @soap-stains @abyssal-zone-stares-back @talander2can @sleeping-void @immyowengod @drops-ofmadness @valis-geese @miss-antivinny @matter-of-the-universe @survive0000 @just-4nother-ghost @rustychips @cursednevermore @ashofacrow @niconooo @justablix @hink12 @voidling-games

[just-some-random-blogger]

Connecting Dots

NCT Philosophy Student!Lee Donghyuck (Heachan) x Statistics Student!Reader Summary: Life is pretty depressing when you live knowing your days are numbered. Alternatively, life is pretty lit when you live knowing your days are numbered. Donghyuck is in right in the middle of both. Word Count: 21k+ Warnings: Fem!Reader, Kun x Reader (?), Enemies to lovers, mentions of death, terminal illness, suicide, LOTS OF DARK HUMOR, self depreciating jokes, dry humor, university/college au, frat boyz!NCT, drinking, smoking, cussing, typos, angst, fluff, slow burn, graphic smut/sexual themes, awkward first time, low key scamming, appealing to emotions, did i mention angst, i cried writing this yall HAHA good luck, typos, etc.

A/N: Clearly from the tags, you can tell one of them is sick (its heachan lol its not a spoiler) I denounce any illness to ever actually happen to my baby boy i love him so much i wish he lives a long healthy live AMEN periodt. I am also in no way making light of cancer or any illness. I wrote this knowing only surface level or second hand experience about real life experiences with terminal illnesses and with the thought that this might cheer someone up. do not read this is you are not comfortable with the premise. ALSO THERE ARE A LOT OF SCENE JUMPS OK BYe GEEZ I CRIED AS I WROTE THE END PART

yo i edited this twice because it didnt save RIP, but actually i think it came out better now also i made two moodboards, what are you gonna do about it, punk?

Listen to Rose by D.O

To you I offer Eternity;

I was by the bay with one of my favorite people. We were on a bench. I was sitting, she was laid down. The ocean breeze felt cool, and the ocean waves sounded calming. The said person speaks softly to me, "Can you tell me a story?"

I turn to the child whose head was on my lap. She pouts the cute way she always does while I clarify, "what kind of story?"

"One with daddy."

"Ah," I stroke her hair, "I think I told you all the stories I have with your father."

"But I like your stories!"

“Sorry Poppy,” I say, “I don’t have any other stories to tell you.”

She pouts again and hums, “what about your favorite story?"

"My favorite story? Well, I thought of one, but it's a pretty long. Do you want to hear it?"

“Yes!” 

“Are you sure? It gets kind of sad.”

"I'm sure! I'm sure!"

I shake my head and chuckle, "okay, well it starts on one ordinary school day."

"Hey," I say to my classmate in an awfully bright colored orange hoodie. He was holding a lollipop stick to his mouth. "Can I sit next you?" I ask, although I would say my tone wasn't really much of a question.

He raises a brow and shrugs. I notice the sheen on his lips and figure it couldn’t possibly be from the sugar from his candy. He must put on some lip balm. I mean, we love moisture lips. Good for him.

 He pulls the lollipop out quickly and places it right back after answering, "don't give a shit."

I pull my head back. Oooh, right in the 10 o'clock subject. Didn't know Donghyuck had an attitude.

I feel the right corner of my lip curl in amusement. I place my stuff down on the desk beside him. "I didn't peg the quiet nerd to be so snarky."

He shoots me a glare, "says the nerd who happens to be the teacher's pet."

"Oh, so you do know we've shared classes before. Two, well, 3, counting this one."

"Four. You wouldn't fucking shut up during literature."

I smile, "aw, how sweet of you to notice."

Donghyuck raises his brows at that. I pull out my notes, my colored pens, and my highlights. He observes the structure of my writing for a moment and I can’t help but feel proud of it. I had, I would say, 10/10 notes. 

He leans on his desk and bites on his candy, making an audible crunching sound, "stop talking to me, nerd."

I turn to him, "Hey, that's on you for interpreting nerd negatively. Nerds are all the rage now, having comicon, cosplaying...DnD, all catered to them.”

Donghyuck pulls what's left of his sugary stick out and continues to chew, all the while narrowing his eyes at me. I continue, "also, don't you eat lollipops every day? Diabetes is gonna kill ya."

He chuckles dryly, "good thing I'm already dying."

When he looks away, I follow, smiling to myself, "dang, I like you."

Donghyuck's eyes dart from his me to our Chem teacher, Mr. Wong.

 When the bell rings, I'm surprised by how quick Donghyuck manages out the door. I curse under my breath and shove my things into my backpack. I call out to him, "wait!"

But of course, nothing is easy in this world, and he keeps walking.

 I manage to catch up with him in the hallway, clearly to his disappointment. He spots me as he steals a glance from over his shoulder and groans. He speeds up, only to have me jog up next to him.

"Wait up! This is no way to flex that you’re just a tiny bit taller than me."

He abruptly freezes, surprising me into an ungraceful pause. He places his hands on his hips and sighs, "Am I a joke to you?"

I make a face and an oooh sound, "I like that meme too. I send it to my-" "Stop fucking following me!" he barks, raising his voice. It was honestly unexpected. I felt the burn in my cheeks after that and the stares of people passing by. It wasn't so much that I was embarrassed, it's just that it really kind of came from no where.

Alright, to be fair, I didn't really know this kid, so I didn't really know what to expect.

But true to my nature, as he glared at me before walking away, I kinda fell for him. Not in like a oh-my-gosh-marry-me kind of way, more like dang-I-haven't-had-my-blood-pumping-like-this-since-forever kind of way.

Clearly, the game plan from then on was simple. Get the dirt on Lee Donghyuck.

...wait, his last name was Lee right?

"Right," Jaemin pointed at me as I smiled at Kun for opening my yogurt. I give Kun a quick arm cuddle as he mixes his ramen in his tupperware next to me. One thing you should know about Kun is that all his lunch is prepared at home, which is why I can never dare to eat too much of anything processed around him, lest I hear his wrath.

Jaemin, who was sat in front of us, continued, "he too is a philosophy major like moi."

I shudder and make a gagging sound.

Kun scolds me without batting an eye, "don’t act like a child."

“Why would I when I detest them?”

“So dramatic,” Kun mumbles.

I stick out my tongue and go back to my original train of thought, "I think I have PTSD over that. The P standing for Philosophy traumatic stress disorder. It's just so mind-fucking."

"Says the stat major!" Jaemin blurts in offence, pulling a nasty side eye.

"Hey, there is a refined beauty in complex arithmetic and it's so darn satisfying when everything simplifies to zero," I make a face as I smile and take a bite of my yogurt and pre-cut apples I had prepared in a duckie themed lunch box. "Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Honor Roll?" I turn to my best friend.

Kun gives us both a knowing look and nods silently in agreement.

It was Jaemin's turn to shudder, "the human brain truly is such a wonder."

I raise a hand at him, "hey, remember, I'll do your stats, you do my philo."

Jaemin takes my extended hand and shakes it, "deal."

Kun quickly swallows the ramen he was chewing, "no one is doing anyone else's homework! Not in this household."

I give him a sour look and humor him with a rapid nod. I then turn to Jaemin, then asking him what I was actually interested in, "so, Lee Donghyuck. What's his deal?" 

For a second, Jaemin thinks, "well, he's usually snarky but otherwise pretty quiet. He's actually a frat memb..."

Jaemin falls into silence. I give him a moment but get impatient halfway through. I raise a brow at Jaemin's trailing tone, "what gives?"

"Dude..." he says in a softer tone compared to his prior one, "did you make a diabetes joke at him?" Jaemin asks, face falling into seriousness.

"Why? Does he have diabetes?"

Jaemin releases a breath, "he has cancer."

Kun and I pull back at the information. For a second, I debate whether Jaemin meant the star sign, but based on the look on his face, I'm pretty sure he meant the illness. Also, he as far as I remembered, his philosopher's ass detests astrology n' stuff. Oh, and right, he says has cancer and not is a cancer. Good job, me. 

"Woah," I say in shock, "he really wasn't kidding about dying."

Kun quicky snaps at me and calls my name out in a warning. There is a thick and tense silence between us. Well, about as silent as it gets in a full cafeteria.

 I look at my apple slices and take one. I dip it my yogurt at point it at Jaemin, "I still think he's pretty cool though."

Kun turns to me with an incredulous look, "You missed the part where you say you're going to apologize to him for being insensitive,"

I turn to him, "How could I be insensitive when I was just being myself?"

Kun looks at me like a grew another head.

I roll my eyes, "I didn't know he had cancer."

Jaemin makes a pained face and hisses, "babe, that's literally what insensitive means."

"Listen, Webster Dictionary, the only person that should be schooling me for word meanings is someone who actually studies words." I catch a woman in a cute lil’ plaid skirt walking over to us. I pat the table and motion at her, "much like the lit student."

She gives her kilowatt smile, repeating, "lit student?"

Jaemin turns to the said person and smiles back, standing and giving her a quick peck on her lips, "hi baby.”

"What were you talking about?" she asks.

I ignore her question and point, "Sana, I think you should know your boyfriend is cheating on you. He called me babe a while ago, supposedly to prove a point, but I know he was just trying to get into my pants.”

Kun rolls his eyes. Jaemin sighs. Sana pouts the cute way she always does and turns from me to her boyfriend, "is that true, Nana?"

"No, she was just asking me about a classmate," he starts. Jaemin then whispers something in her ears, which makes Sana cover her face, giggle, and smack Jaemin's chest. I clench my teeth in disgust, "I bet 20$ this fool just said he only wants to get into her pants."

Kun slurps up some more ramen. Jaemin turns to me as he rolls his eyes. Sana covers her giddy expression again. "If there's nothing else, we'll be going now," he says, wrapping an arm over his girlfriend's shoulder.

 Sana beams and waves at me then Kun, "see you two later."

"Later nerdz," Jaemin says, doing a peace sign before walking off.

Kun gives them a wave goodbye. I call as they leave, "You're too good for him, Sana!"

"Can you not?" Kun says more than asks.

"No," I say simply.

"But you can try."

"I can't believe I can do that either."

Kun sighs.

  After lunch, Kun incessantly reminded me to prepare some sort of apology to Donghyuck for my unintentional insensitivity, quote, 'regardless of it being unintentional or not, it could have really hurt him' end quote, as he walked me to the library.

Knowing me, it falls flat to my ears. But with Kun knowing me, he did a good ol' fashioned, I'm-going-to-tell-your-mom-and-you'll-never-hear-the-end-of-this line. I begrudgingly had to agree, since my mom was going to visit my dorm this weekend to bring food over and I really don't want to have to deal with more nagging. Kun was mother enough. It was no wonder why my mom, or any mom really, liked him so much.

Anyway, after doing our secret handshake and wishing him to fail his quiz in biology, he headed off to his class and I headed into the library to do some homework, and work on that apology, ugh.

 BUT!

It wasn't my fault I saw Donghyuck there by the world history aisle in a yellow hoodie and yet a lollipop still in his mouth. His lips reflected some light due to his lip balm.

I practically jumped when I saw him. I hastily made my way over and sat down in the vacant chair in front of him.

"Hi Donghyuck ," I say, making him turn from whatever he was working on, to me. I pull my notebook and text book out. He pulls out his earphones and his expression falls. I pull my pencil case and writing materials onto the table. I begin to work on my calculus homework, starting a new page with pink ink and mint green highlight.

Donghyuck speaks, "nice notes."

I look at the page that was open and smile at the pastel colors on it, "it's a specialty of mine."

Donghyuck shows his yellow pad and I see his unintelligible writing. I visibly react to it as he says, "here to show off?"

"No."

"Then fuck off."

I sigh, "I knew you were going to say that, but here me out. I have this friend Kun and I told him you're pretty cool. I also mentioned that I made a diabetes joke, which lead to you doing a death joke," I raise my hands, "which, by the way, was pretty funny."

Donghyuck adjusts in his chair.

  "Anyway, he told me to apologize since we found out you have cancer and stuff --though I really don't see a need for it."

He raises a brow and drops the pen in his hand, "you don't?"

"No, I don't. I think you and I have pretty similar sense of humor, and you made a joke yourself," I give a contemplating look, "And, I mean, I meant it when I said we all die anyway."

There is a moment of silence.

I suddenly correct myself, "although, if life was a race, you're probably like the Usain Bolt, you know?"

Donghyuck stares at me blankly.

"YOU TOLD HIM WHAT?" Kun looks at me with wide eyes, absolutely flabbergasted.

I flash him a wide smile as I hop around him, "I told him he was like the Usain Bolt of dying!"

Kun pulls his head back, flashing some double chins. He looks absolutely mortified as he calls my name.

I laugh at him, "KUNNN! It was fineee! We’re on the same wavelength! He even invited me out to a party at his frat house!"

"NO!" he says in horror.

"What do you mean no?! I have a new friend, this is so exciting! I'm finally going to have someone who doesn't nag me like you do, or flaunts their disgusting cutesy relationship in front of my face!"

"Dude! You are both messed up! I can already imagine the stunts you two are gonna pull. Plus, I don't think it's healthy for him to be around someone that could unknowingly be encouraging suicidal thoughts."

"Kun, he's not suicidal, he's terminally ill."

He full on snaps, "and you are taking this far too lightly!"

I reel back at the nerve I hit and raise my hands in surrender. "Geez. I get it. Dude, I don't actually want anyone to die."

"Good."

"Maybe except myself."

If we were in a cartoon, Kun would be animated with a bunch of bold, red symbols right now, if you know what I mean. He continuously barks at me and I profusely state that that was, indeed, just a joke.

"Don't go to that frat party," he warns.

"But Kun, I already promised."

"Consider this a promise meant to be broken then! Call him and tell him you changed your mind."

I think about his words for a second and decide to agree.

Of course, in order to call Donghyuck, I would first need Donghyuck’s number. Alas, I do not have his number. So what do I do? Go to the frat party to get his number. Duh.

The venue was a whole concoction of smells of sweat, alcohol, and what I could boldly assume to be marijuana, hopefully the legal kind. It didn't really help in my search that the place was so awfully congested and large, and lit under this ridiculous indigo light. Luckily, in my side quest for air, I found my way into the not-as-crowded kitchen and there I found this tipsy pretty boy.

"Hey there," he said to me.

"Are you a frat member?" I ask.

He leans by the counter and bobs his head around in a yes, I think, "Kim Jungwoo."

"No one asked. Have you seen Donghyuck?"

"Yahhh," he exhales a strong alcoholic scent, "he was out there playing beer pong without the beer. It was just po-"

I head back out to the sea of people, looking for a pingpong table. It wasn't that hard to find. I just followed the sound of cheering and people yelling 'chug, chug, chug,' and eventually found who I was looking for.

Donghyuck was there cheering with a bunch of dudes. He was wearing a hoodie again, but this time it was in a shade of blue. He seems to have run out of lollipops though.

"Donghyuck," I call to him loud enough and wave.

Him, as well as the guys around him, turn to me when they hear this. They make a deep, rising sound as Donghyuck walks up to me, "you're here."

I nod, "I said I would come."

"Cool. You want a drink?"

"Sure. You want a lollipop?"

He turns to me as we push through the crowd. He grabs my wrist as he leads us off, "why, do you have one?"

"No."

He was already turned away before I replied, but I like to think he chuckled at me when I said this.

It doesn't take long but the travel out of the crowd was pretty treacherous. We wind back to the kitchen and Donghyuck opens the fridge to hand me a beer. He gets himself a soda, it seems. 

And if you were wondering, pretty boy was no longer here.

Donghyuck opens the bottle for me then opens the soda for himself.

When he hands me the drink, I ask, "do you not drink alcohol?"

"Well, I'm on meds so, if I want to overdose, I could, but I'm trying not to disappoint anymore than I already do. That's like on my top 10 worst ways to die: dying a disappointment."

I huff, "hear hear," then take a swig of bear. I hiss.

Donghyuck examines me for a moment, then raises a brow at me, "dare you to chug it."

Without a second's thought, I go, "hah! You're on."

The task was not easy, but I had done it once before. I could take a whole bottle of beer, but more than that I’d start to get drunk. I tilt the bottle up, and try not to taste it as it rushes down my throat. I basically drink the pain away.

I hiss and hold the bottle upside down to show my victory.

Donghyuck seems both impressed and not all at once, "you're more compulsive than I am."

"Well, you gotta live on the edge when you know someone who has cancer."

Donghyuck releases a chuckle, it seems, a little harder than he expected to. He motions his head to the side, "follow me."

He brings us back to the sea of people. He grabs my wrist midway again. We eventually manage and make our way up a flight of stairs. We continue walking until he chooses one of the doors in the hall and opens it. I figure it's his room. He motions to his bed. I decide to sit down and he follows, placing his soda on his desk, sitting down on the desk chair, rolling it over in front of me.

In truth, it sinks in I should probably be pretty nervous in this scene. I was alone with a frat boy in a hoodie, who's scent I had a faint whiff of when we walked into his room. I faintly heard him lock the door on our way in too, only because it wasn't as loud up here. Now I was sitting on his bed in front of him.

What's more was I decided to wear a beige, floral dress to the party, clearly not getting the memo the dress code was itty-bitty, skimpy and tight. I looked like one of those painted-to-be Madonna girls who finds a bad boy to lose her virginity to. It was unintentional; I genuinely just liked this dress. Also, I don't really plan on losing my virginity to him.

Yet, I don't really feel nervous or scared. Not that I thought he couldn't take advantage of me if he tried. I have first hand experience of boy strength because of Kun. And he's taller than me, though, again, not that much. It wasn't that I was dumb enough to believe just because he was terminally ill, he couldn't possibly chose to do anything to me either. It's really kind of just how he has these moles on his lightly tanned face, how he has strong brows, albeit his soft expression, and how he always had moisturized lips. I just... felt like he wouldn't

Donghyuck tilts his head, "so?"

"So," I repeat.

For a moment, we say nothing.

I quickly remember, "oh, I need your number."

"My number?" he raises his brows and crosses his arms.

"Yeah, I promised Kun I would call you and tell you that I won't go to your frat party and I can't do that without your number."

He knits his brows. He opens his mouth and peeks his tongue out in the corner. He swivels in his chair and gets his phone from his pocket. He turns to his phone and asks, "what's your number?"

I begin to recite it by heart. He punches it down and calls it. I pull my phone out, seeing an unsaved number. I answer, "hello?"

There's echo and feedback. We both pull our phones away. I lower my volume.

"This is Lee Donghyuck," he says.

"Hi. I was calling to say I'm not going to your frat party."

He knits his brows, "why not?"

"Welp, my friend Kun thinks I might encourage some suicidal tendencies."

The playful glint that he had in his eyes falters. He hums and nods in agreement.

I continue, "anyway, I did my part for him now. Bye."

I pull my phone away and end the call. I begin to save his number.

Donghyuck watches me. He shakes his head and sighs, "you're crazy."

I turn to him and coo, "Aww, thank you. That means a lot, coming from you."

He chuckles, "So what? You have a crush on me or something?"

I raise my brows and scoff, "bold of you to assume. I say you're cool once and it inflates your flat head."

He breaks into a laugh, "hey, which one of us is in a stranger's room?"

"Nah, but you're not a stranger. We’ve shared four classes together. Plus, I've decided to make you a friend."

He purses his lips, "I don't want to be your friend though."

"Why not? You like dark humor and self-depreciating jokes, so do I. You even invited me to your stinky frat house."

Donghyuck crosses his arms as he chuckles. He spins on his chair while replying, "and you said yes."

"I literally just covered that I want to befriend you because we're alike. I'm kind of up to here with Kun's nagging," I raise an arm all the way up. I bring my arm down to raise a finger, "plus, Jaemin and Sana make out a lot."

He raises a brow, "you're friends with Na Jaemin?"

"Where do you think I found out you had cancer?"

He sniffles, "hmm... so you were asking around about me?"

I roll my eyes, "what part of wanting to befriend you did you not understand?"

He does not respond to this. He continues to spin on his chair. 

A moment passes, when he asks "why not kick them to the curb?"

"My friends.”

“Since you hate them so much.”

“Well, then what? Be loner?"

He halts his spinning to raise his brows at me expectantly. 

I shake my head, "I might not be the biggest people person but I don't actually want to be alone. It’s fun when I can make jokes and people don’t look at me like I’m crazy. Also, I don't like eating by myself. It makes me both look and feel pathetic."

He hums, "that's why I joined the frat."

I raise a hand, "point proven."

"How'd you befriend Jaemin though? That dude only hangs out with his girlfriend."

I snort, "he sucks at math. I like math. I looked for a study buddy on the school website, someone to help me with my other subjects. In return I’d help them with their math. Yeah. Jaemin helps me and I help him, plus his girlfriend Sana's in lit, so we all help each other out. Other than that, it’s been me and Kun since forever."

"I'm guessing he doesn't help you with your homework."

"He does, but he's just too smart for his own good, and I can't vibe with him if it's outside numbers, you know. It's an insult how he can't dumb down to my level when we talk about anything else."

"He's a math major too?"

I nod, "the psychopath is double majoring in statistics and economics, just cause he can. It seems fun, but I would like to graduate without aging 100 years, thank you very much."

"You two seem very close," he leans on his legs and moves left and right on his chair, "considering you still did what he asked you even though he didn't want you to come to my party."

I nod, "Yeah. He's one of the few people that can actually tolerate me, plus, I'm pretty sure my mom likes him better than her own flesh and blood in the son-I've-never-had shtick. Ya feel me?"

He hums, "childhood friends?"

"Worse, our moms are childhood friends. I basically have no say in this friendship."

He lets out an airy chuckle.

He spins around again for a minute. I close my contact list with my new log named 'DUNGHYUHAHA'. I turn to him then ask, "what about you? What's your deal? And why'd you invite me?"

He stops moving. He then turns to me, licking his lips. He straightens in his chair and rests his elbows on his thighs. "Well," he looks to the side, "you're right. We're pretty similar."

He leans back, "to be completely honest with you,” he chuckles, “your humor is refreshing. People around me are normally too scared to even be near me, in fear of breaking me or something. It’s why I stopped making friends a long time ago. The only reason why I'm in the frat is because most of the dudes here are too drunk for personal relationships, or too horny to be real with anyone. They could care less about me, y'know, minus the times they visit me in the hospital. It’s a nice mix for me."

He looks off to a pile of clothes in his room, “Sorry about the mess in my room. It’s normally just me and my cousin here, no cute girls.”

I feel my cheeks burn a bit at the insinuation.

Donghyuck realizes this then clears his throat, changing the subject, “Yuta’s another reason why I can stay here too. He’s in med, and was tasked with the side job of making sure I stay alive.”

I shrug, “Free XP.”

He chuckles, “sure.”

“And don’t worry about the mess. I live alone and yet my dorm looks like two frat boys live in it too.”

“Ya,” he points, “that’s offensive.”

We share a chuckle. 

He sighs, turning to me with a soft expression. He purses his lips, “I’d like to be friends with someone who doesn’t looks at me like I'm a walking handicap. Like trust me, I think know better than anyone where you're coming from, but I'm not like those sorry assholes whose lives are literally on the line."

He looks at me silently for a moment, as if to measure my reaction on what he said. I pout and ask, "did another cancer patient steal your soup or something? Is that why they're an asshole?"

He snorts and rolls his eyes. The tension in his shoulders relax slightly, "yeah, no, this dude that I sometimes share rooms with always got extra dessert because he supposedly had only one more month to live or some shit. They say that about him every month though. It's pretty sus."

We share a laugh. It wasn't too hard but it was enough to melt the remaining tension in the air.

"I'd be pretty pissed too if I had cancer and didn't get extra dessert."

I claps his hand and points at me, "Right? The world is so cruel."

From then on, I began to see Donghyuck a lot more.

I tried not to mix oil with water, since Kun was still pretty hesitant about me spreading my disease to him, which is funny, cause aside from skipping exercises, I'm as healthy as a horse. As much as possible, I tried not to schedule the two of them together, just for now. Kun was normally too busy to have an opening with Donghyuck and I anyway.

Normally, I would hang out with Donghyuck whenever I had vacancies without Kun, which meant we fully went wildin'. It started out as a running gag between us, but we began to take advantage of his cancer to get discounts whenever we could. We had to play it up to get a reaction though, as in make him look more sick. 

I mean, think not about what cancer has done to you, but what cancer can do for you. Admittedly though, there were times we mutually began to feel bad for our victim and just bought whatever it was we wanted.

It was then that I realized Donghyuck did put on lip balm to mask the paleness of his lips. He was a bit embarrassed about it at first, but I assured him it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, don’t we all want soft lips? He eventually grew comfortable about it around me.

On this particularly balmy afternoon, we decided to go to this supposedly popular restaurant by the bay. I had never heard of it before though, and neither of us had gone here. It made for a perfect target cause our rule is to hit the place once, hit it hard, and never to show up there again. I'm talking make them pity Donghyuck so much they pay us for eating there.

Anyway the name of the place was Blue Lagoon. Talk about SpongeBob rip off, right?

"Are you going to Jaemin's birthday party?" I ask as he eats his lobster dish.

He shakes his head as he just devours his plate, "absolutely not."

"Why not? Isn't your entire section going to come?"

"Yeah and they're all going to walk on eggshells around me. I told Jaemin thanks but I'd rather die than have our class make it weird for me."

"Yikes, they probably had a near death experience of their own when you told them that."

Donghyuck chuckles, "tell me about it."

I continue with eating my food.

He asks, "are you?"

I disagree, “Kun's mom is visiting that weekend."

He nods knowingly.

"Is everything alright for you two so far?" a waitress asks us as she approaches our table. We both turn to her and smile, "yeah, so far so good."

"As good as a cancer patient can get," Donghyuck says as he stuffs his face with garlic bread. He begins to choke on it slightly. I give him a look and hand him a glass of water, "ewww, just because you’re dying doesn't mean you'll die if you get any manners."

Donghyuck takes the glass from me, downing the bread with a big gulp, "apologies."

I turn back to the waitress. She looks like she just saw a two headed dragon. She forces a smile, "Right! I came here to tell you that your food is on the house and that the owner of the restaurant wants to give you both some dessert for being so enthusiastic about the place."

Donghyuck and I cheer, sharing a fist bump. He smiles, "that's great. Thank you."

"You're absolutely welcome sir. She would like to request a photo to put to our customer board as well. Would that be alright?"

We give each other a look and wind up nodding. We turn back to the lady as I answer, "that's fine."

"Great. Would you be needing anything else?" she asks, turning to the both of us.

Donghyuck takes another bite of his food before answering, "A cure for cancer?"

The woman tries to suppress her eyes from widening. She doesn't hide the minuscule reaction though.

"I'm kidding," Donghyuck chuckles, "you've done a lot to humor us. Thank you."

The woman releases a shaky breath and smiles, "of course, you both have a nice meal."

On the train ride back to our dorms, we stand in the crowd of passengers and wind up pretty close because of this. In this context, Donghyuck just looks like your average college student, with his lip balm and his hoodies. You would never know he was sick if he doesn't tell you himself.

Other than the hidden paling of his lips, he remedied by lip balm, and the body pain that springs up, he said he didn’t really have any other side effects. 

I watch him lick his lips and remember how he told me I was right about the lollipops. Although it comforted him because he would get lollipops after his treatments as a kid, he said he should lay off them, lest he add another thing to his list of things to torture his mom. He didn’t want to beat cancer just to deal with diabetes.

I notice that his hoodie has a loose thread on it. I pick it off then ask, "how many hoodies do you have?"

He doesn't seem to notice me as he's staring off into the distance. With how I'm basically a few inches away from kissing him, the only reason why he wouldn't hear me is if he was wearing earphones. From beyond the hood he had on his head, and the hair covering his ears, there I saw the pod in his hearing shell.

I tap his face. He whips his head to me in surprise. His eyes were slightly wide, brows slightly high, and lips slightly parted.

I ask again, "how many hoodies do you have?"

His eyes dart from my lips to my eyes, "30."

I raise my brows then quickly knit them, "30?"

He watches my lips again. His own curve upward into a smile. He shrugs lightly, "cancer perks."

When the train stops at one station, a lot of passengers go down, giving Donghyuck and I newfound ample room between us. He takes this opportunity to remove his ear pods. I take this opportunity to hand him a lollipop, out of courtesy.

He looks at it for a moment, “didn’t you say this was bad for me?”

"Yeah, but I won it in class for being a teacher's pet. It’s special, like you."

He chuckles, turning to it and taking it from me, "what subject?"

"Statistics. Duh. Mr. Suh loves me."

"I'm sure he does."

He opens it and eats it. He shoves the wrapper into his pocket. He turns back to the distance outside the window. I however keep my eyes on him, "It's your favorite flavor, right? Watermelon."

He turns back to me. He doesn't say anything in reply. That's when I noticed his ears turned pink.

I can't help but chuckle and roll my eyes teasingly. My chest flutters at his reaction, "don't flutter too much. I only know cause you smell like it."

His tongue fiddles with the candy in his mouth. He turns to his feet. He looked like he was about to say something, but doesn't as then the train arrives at the next station and the space begins to get a little tight again.

I scooch over close to him again. This time the stick in his mouth was threatening to poke my face.

Donghyuck catches the plastic in his fingers, moves it to the side of his mouth, then cuts the rod with his teeth in one go. He then casually brings the plastic into his pocket. I gawk at him, "how'd you do that?"

He raises his brows, while he plays with the ball of candy in his mouth, "experience."

I make a face at him. 

He winks. 

I lightly punch his stomach.

I panic when he makes a pained sound.

He suddenly chuckles, “my cancer is on the other side.”

I punch him again, harder, only this time on his shoulder.

"You and Donghyuck are getting pretty serious," Kun says as he pays for our convenience store donuts. I grab my share and narrow my eyes, "you say that as if we're dating."

"Well, you talk about him like you like him."

"I do like him."

Kun takes a bite of his donut, "romantically?"

I raise my upper lip at him, "the way I like you, moron."

He chews on his snack and swallows. For a moment, there is an pause between us. Probably not the best choice of words when you and your best friend tried dating in high school. It feels slightly awkward but Kun speaks up through it, "you're treading dangerous waters."

"Kun-"

"No,” he sighs, “just stop and actually listen to me for a moment. I'm not saying you should stop hanging out with him because... because... you might get hurt if he dies,” he makes a pained expression, ”but I'm saying you should understand what you're getting yourself into."

I turn to him and take in his expression, "Kun."

"Don't Kun me," he quips coldly, "you’ve always been like this. You enjoy the thrill of diving head first into everything, but for once, just stop, look, and listen. Not for me, not for Donghyuck, but for yourself. You're going to get badly hurt if you keep running with this."

"So...” an idea clicks in my head, “I should walk."

Kun clicks his tongue, "I swear to g-"

"No. I'm being serious Kun," I nod, "I'll walk, slowly."

And so I tell Donghyuck this when I get to our shared chemistry class.

"You're going to walk slowly with me?" he questions while I swap the pens I was using to build my new page of notes on metal elements.

When I turn to him, I find his eyes glued on my notes, "yeah."

He leans back in his chair, "you should just stop hanging out with me, especially if it gets too much."

I pull back at this statement, not enjoying how he said this as simple as the jokes we crack each other. I quip back, "I'm no wimp."

He chuckles dryly, "It's not about being a wimp," he licks his canine, "it's about me not wanting you to remember me that way anyway."

I scowl, "what? Being annoying and condescending? I'm pretty sure you're going to have to revamp your entire personality for me to remember you any other way, Hyuck."

He doesn't reply and scratches his nose.

Mr. Wong asks what brass is. I raise my hand when no one wants to answer, "an alloy." He sings me a quick praise and continues with the lesson.

Donghyuck chuckles and crosses his arms, "show off."

I smile back at him and turn back to my notes, "if you're jealous, be reborn as a smarter guy. You're pretty close to the end anyway."

He watches me write for a moment. I doodle a beaker on the side of my notebook. I can feel his hand rising up with the to mess up my writing. Without looking, I threaten, "if you even think of messing up my notes, I'm bringing you straight to the after life."

He chuckles, "you might regret that," he rests his head on his hand, "but I hope you won't."

I finally turn back to him, "regret getting my revenge?"

"Joking about the time I have left." He doesn't really give me a chance to retort when he casually asks, "could you help me with my stats too?"

I turn to him and grin, thinking about the more activities I can do in my favorite subject, "absolutely!"

He pulls back in surprise and breaks into a laugh, "wow, and you called me a nerd."

"Again, that's on you for taking it as an insult."

He shakes his head in disagreement and smirks.

"Do you want to join our study group. We usually meet up every Wednesday morning cause it’s the time we’re all free."

"Hmmm, I don't think I can join at that time. Also I actually have this homework due tomorrow. I don't think I can wait all the way to next Wednesday."

"Oh, well, you can join us at lunch! I’ll help you then." I say in a cheery tone.

He looks at me for a moment, "you're finally letting me meet mama Kun?"

"He's not that bad. I’m kinda just dramatic."

"You? Dramatic? Pssh, never."

I shove him playfully. He gives me a look and smiles, "okay, but if he gives me shit for eating cookies for lunch, I'm leaving."

I hiss, "I'll tell him to shut it."

He chuckles.

When we get to lunch, Kun is as formal as ever, shaking Donghyuck's hand and offering half of his homemade sandwiches to him. Donghyuck declines but I readily ask for it.

Kun raises a brow, "I literally made you a whole sandwich and you still want to cheat me. You have packed berries!"

"What's your point? You were willing to give up the half to Hyuck, and he doesn't want it, so I am stepping up for him." I then try to get the other half from him.

He blocks my move by raising his elbow and clicks his tongue, "you are unmerciful. He only has cookies, which is why I offered."

"And I only have one chicken sandwich. You have a beef stroganoff."

Kun continues to swat me away, but knowing it wouldn't last long, I persevere. I eventually get my way and the half of the sandwich. I immediately take a bite of it and butt my head to Kun’s shoulder, "thanks, Kunnie."

He sighs and nods his head, "whatever."

"You can get half of my chicken sandwich."

"I don't want a chicken sandwich, which is why I made myself a beef stroganoff," he snips.

I take another bite of the half I stole from him and nod, "fine, here, you can have it back."

He eyes me, "mmm, how thoughtful of you."

"You're welcome."

At this point, Donghyuck finished his third cookie while watching.

I turn to him, quickly remembering, “oh right!” I take a bite of my sandwich and pull out my statistics notebook. I then get up and sit next to him. He pulls out his homework and I open my notes, showing him an example I had.

Donghyuck’s eyes widen, “dang, your notes look like a whole text book.”

I break into a wide smile as I turn from his notebook to mine, “thank you. Honestly, I only used to work on my writing to one-up Kun, but now it’s become a passion of mine.”

“I can see that,” Donghyuck says.

I take a bite of my sandwich and point, “this is easy.” I chew and swallow, “I’ll try what I do with Jaemin and tell you the answer so you can work for it.”

“Wait,” Donghyuck turns to me in astonishment, “you already have the answer for this?” 

I shake my head, “like I said, it’s easy.”

“I solve faster than her mentally,” Kun notes, making me chide, “no one asked Kun.”

I finish my sandwich just about the same time Donghyuck finishes his homework.

"Ah, Donghyuck," Kun says, "I hear your nickname is full sun."

Donghyuck looks bewildered. His mouth opens and he slowly stutters, "how... do you know that?"

"I mentioned you to one of my patient-friends and he said you did treatment in the place I volunteer at. "

I raise my brows, "oh, you do treatment in St. John's? I've never seen you there before."

Kun snorts, "you act as if you volunteer regularly."

"I volunteer!"

"Once in a blue moon."

"Volunteering is volunteering, Qian Kun."

"Yeah, but I volunteer regularly and still don't expect to know everyone in the hospital. Besides, not every patient is signed up for the NCIT partnership integration."

I catch Donghyuck's uncomfortable look and shake my head, "hey, don't worry. He didn't start volunteering because of you or anything. He used to be in the boy scouts and volunteers for fun."

"I'm still in the boy scouts," he notes.

"And so every summer I am reminded by your troll children."

"Ya! I don't you not to call them that."

"And I said not to take it personally cause I think all children are trolls!” I turn to Donghyuck, “did you know children think it’s okay to sneeze in front of people’s faces?”

Kun looks ready to pick a fight, “Jisung did that on accident one time cause he had a cold!”

I roll my eyes and revert he conversation back to the original topic. "What was your nickname again?" I ask Donghyuck.

Kun answers, carefully, "full sun, right?"

Donghyuck scratches his nape, "Haechan. It means full sun."

I smile from ear to ear, "that's so cute!” I place a hand on my chest, “I for one believe I deserve to be called Haechan as well for the sunshine I spread through my sarcasm."

I prop my elbows on the table. Kun goes out of his way to shove them off. I glare at him. He looks away and pretends nothing happened. He turns to Donghyuck, "when you don’t need help with your homework, do you normally eat lunch with your frat brothers?"

Donghyuck cleans his mouth with his tongue and begins to nod, "sometimes. Most times it's just me."

I frown, "heyyyy, you can always eat with us if you're alone."

He chuckles, "thanks but unlike you, I like to eat alone sometimes."

"Yeah, but I’m saying you don't have to, okay?"

Kun looks at me and smiles softly. Donghyuck looks between us and nods, a smile breaking onto his lips, "thanks."

From then on, Donghyuck began to eat with us every lunch. He seemed to grow a lot more comfortable around Kun and removed the initial filter he had with him, matching up to my humor again. Kun did nothing but helplessly laugh it off. 

Eventually, the three of us (four, counting Jaemin; five, counting Sana) found a comfortable rhythm between us.

It was why I immediately texted him when I didn't see him in class today. At first, I didn't really think much of it, even when he didn't reply. But when I told Kun about it and he gave me that warry mom look he has, I couldn’t shake the worry that crept up my spine.

This was why I was so distracted while I worked on my homework alone in my dorm later that day.

Not even doing math with my favorite song kept me from thinking of Donghyuck. So when Rose by D.O got interrupted by a text notification, I practically jumped.

From DUNGHYUHAHA: slr. i had a treatment schedule today

I let out a breath of relief after reading it. I quickly reply back.

To DUNGHYUHAHA: it's ok! i was just wondering. i only began to worry when kun gave me that worried look he always has

It takes him a moment to reply.

From DUNGHYUHAHA: dont worry about me

From DUNGHYUHAHA: im called haechan because im as powerful as the sun  😎

I break into a smile and reply quickly.

To DUNGHYUHAHA: absolutely

I contemplate for a moment, typing then erasing my message multiple times. I eventually decide to say it anyway.

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i don't know if you'll like this but

To DUNGHYUHAHA: oh gosh i dont even know how to say it

From DUNGHYUHAHA: i knew it, ur in lov w me haha

To DUNGHYUHAHA: no

To DUNGHYUHAHA: like

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i want to send you virtual encouragement

To DUNGHYUHAHA: like

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i wanna tell you u can do it n stuff

To DUNGHYUHAHA: yeah

To DUNGHYUHAHA: i probably shouldn't have. sorry hyuck

When he doesn't reply, I begin to feel bad and really, really stupid. My heart practically leaps when I hear a notification from my phone.

From DUNGHYUHAHA: thank you

The next time I got to hang out with him, we went to the supermarket because I had to restock on my things. I normally did this with Kun but I was with Donghyuck and we didn't really have anything else to do, he agreed we could do my groceries together.

I wash pushing the cart. Donghyuck was walking in front of me, attention alternating from his phone to where he was walking.

When we pass some home decorations and fake flowers, I reach out for a plastic sunflower petal and tell Donghyuck, “You know I really like getting flowers because the first time I did, there was chocolate hidden in the middle.”

Donghyuck, who had been randomly documenting our trip, raised his phone facing me. He notes as he takes a photo, “got it, flowers.” I promptly pose. With how he held his phone up, I found that Donghyuck had a lollipop wrapper pressed between his transparent phone case.

I break into a smile, “you save your lollipop wrappers?”

He pulls his phone down then turns to me with knit brows, “what?”

“Your phone case?”

He turns to his phone case. His jaw drops and he wipes his lips, accidentally smearing the balm. He fixes it and turns to me, “ah... no, just the one you gave me.”

He looks away but I catch the red on his face. I break into a smile and grip the cart tightly, “I must be special huh?”

“Shut up, you know you are,” he mutters.

I feel my own cheeks burn and I place a hand on my face.

He clears his throat, changing the subject, “I...” he drags out turning back to me, “have always wanted to name my daughter after a flower.”

I turn to him as he explains, “all the people I’ve met with flower names are so sweet and kind, so...”

I simply nod and he looks around frantically. He clears his throat again, “I know I probably won’t get to be a dad though.”

“Hey,” I call, “you never know. You said you were responding well to the chemo.”

He nods, “yeah, but they’ve been saying that for a while and it keeps coming back.” He places a hand on his side, “I barely have a liver left.”

“Well, if you have the energy to annoy me, I think it’ll only be time before cancer calls it quits.”

We make our way deeper into the place, winding into the baking aisle.

He snorts, "I can see why you do this with Kun. You clearly have no idea what you're doing, nor any control for that matter."

"Hey," I say as I get some dark baking chocolate and put it in my cart, "Kun actually encourages me to channel my energy into something productive. Doing the groceries is just that, rather than... say, encouraging someone's implicit suicidal tendencies."

He chuckles, "ouch, you could just say he doesn't like me nor you hanging out with me."

I shake my head and push my cart, "he likes you, Hyuck, he really just doesn't like my sense of humor."

He nods and looks at some of the products on the shelf, "agreeably, you can be pretty dry."

"You know, I would kill you if I knew you weren't already dying."

He makes a challenging face, "ooh, I just hope a Karen hears you and tells you off. That would literally add 10 years to my life."

I watch his playful expression. I casually agree, "let's go look for a Karen then."

Donghyuck and I make it to the other aisle when he realizes what I just said. He was midway in getting a box of corn flakes when he froze. I ignore this for the most part, but then he suddenly speaks up, "don't... don’t do that."

I turn to him and raise my brows. For a moment, I think of playing dumb, but I decide against it, "but I like being around you."

His brows twitch. He places the cereal box back. 

This is the perfect time to note that today was one of the rare days he wasn't wearing a hoodie. He was in a grey shirt with the university logo on it. It was in that split second he wanted to hide his hands in his hoodie pocket, but as he had none, he clenched his fists instead. "We should stop hanging out with each other."

I immediately shake my head, "Sorry no refunds."

Donghyuck expression contorts, "I'm being serious right now." 

"I'm being serious too.” I turn to him, unable to mask the hurt in my face, “I would like to be around you for as long as I can no matter what, okay?"

He shakes his head. He begins to step back, "you don't understand. If you saw my friend who went bald because of the chemo, you wouldn't want to be with me."

"Donghyuck," I call, and walk over to him. He raises a hand, making me stop. I shake my head, "I told you, I want to walk with you... slowly. Please walk with me too."

"But..." he whispers, "you can't fall in love with me... not when I’ve fallen already." The second part of his sentence was too faint for me to distinguish.

I sigh, only having one part of his statement, "you know, at this point, you should know that I have a knack for doing the exact opposite of what I'm told. I think you should ask me with your whole chest to fall in love with you, so that I don't do it."

He grabs my hand and looks me in the eyes, muttering softly, "please fall madly and desperately in love with me too."

My breath hitches. My palms get clammy. My heart races. I am so shocked I nearly don't realize that he said, "too?"

He looks defeated. He releases me and covers his ears. His face begins to redden. He steps back again and he exhales, "I have to go."

He turns about and begins to jog away. I watch in shock but find my legs instantly running after him. A thousand things start playing in my head, but one thing was clear to me, I couldn't let him get away because I knew it wouldn't ever be the same between us if I did.

In my panic, I grab him and lock my arms around his torso. My heart was racing as we froze in the middle of a soup aisle. I started feeling out of breath, "wait, please don't leave me."

He calls my name in desperation.

"Just walk with me, please," I mutter.

He grabs my hands in front of him, "I already tripped and fell."

"Then get up and walk with me... until the end please."

"Excuse me, can you please move," a stern voice from our right calls impatiently. We immediately break away and I make sure to drag Donghyuck to our cart. I find that he was wiping away his tears. I examine his posture, thinking if people had clouds over them, his would be raining.

I note the grumble of the woman who passed us and crack a smile, "see, 10 more years."

Donghyuck wipes his eyes and pipes up softly, "I don't have ten more years."

I grab his hand, urging him to look me in the eye, "Donghyuck."

He releases a breath, "this is why I always wear hoodies. I tried something different cause... you make me want to try new things, but... this sucks..."

"Haechan..."

This makes him turn to me.

He wipes his face with his wrist, “You can probably tell I keep that wrapper because I like you, right?”

“Hyuck, I like-”

“Don’t say that. There’s no point in it when my days are numbered.”

"It's knowing our days are numbered that makes time precious. Just let me be part of whatever time you have left."

I bring my arms around him, glad he doesn’t reject it. I place my hands on his head, "I'll be your hoodie for now, okay?"

He only stands there for a moment, but then he wraps his arms around me and sighs.

A lot of things were going through Donghyuck's head after this happened, and you might be surprised to know most of them lead to Kun. Things between everyone was fairly normal after the supermarket incident, but nothing was directly addressed so there was something just hanging up in the air.

On one of Donghyuck’s treatment, he got to see Rose who had been restricted to a wheelchair and lost all her hair but still smiled from ear to ear.

"Your mom has work today?" Rose asks.

Donghyuck turned to her as she finishes her treatment. She turns her wheelchair to him as he smiles, "yeah, she has an emergency at work."

Rose nods, "my mom has work today too. I'm glad you're here today."

"Me too, Rose."

She was another reason why Donghyuck like flower names.

Rose gasps in excitement, "Oh, I don't think I've ever introduced you my newest boyfriend because you're appointments are usually in the morning and he comes by after his classes."

The nurses laugh at this, not in a mocking way, but in adoration. He nods at the 13 year old, although he knew that she didn't really have a boyfriend and this was most definitely another nurse or the volunteer she thought was cute.

"What the new guy's name?"

"Qian Kun," she smiles softly.

"Kun?" he asks, "does he go to NCIT?"

"He does! Is that your school too? I keep forgetting."

"Yeah, he's actually a friend of mine. We eat lunch together."

She makes a sound, "wah! Consider me jealous, oppa." She pouts.

"Ya, Rose. I was your first boyfriend, why don't you remember I go to NCIT?"

"Sorry oppa," she says, "we already broke up though."

"Still, I'm your first love."

She gives a cute look, "sorry."

The nurses laugh again. The nurse who worked on Rose turns to him, "tough luck, kid."

Donghyuck chuckles then sighs, "are you going to go your new boyfriend today?"

"Yeah. I just have to wait for nurse Minseo to bring me down."

The nurse working on Donghyuck told him he was done with his treatment. Donghyuck stand and shakes his head, "I'll take you."

"Really?" she beams, "yay!"

Donghyuck gently pushes Rose down the hallway. They get into a lift then make their way down. When they reach the hospital's outside garden, Donghyuck is immediately faced with a bunch of teenagers with different sorts of patients. It’s slightly overwhelming for him, since he normally sees the place before dawn when is nearly empty for his appointments. This was the only time his mom was available, so when she wasn't with him, Donghyuck opted to treatment after class. No point in going to the hospital so early.

It doesn't take too long for Rose to pick out her boyfriend. "There," she points and giggles. Donghyuck sees him playing guitar to a group of patients and heads over.

Once they get there, Kun was seemingly singing the last verse of what felt like a Chinese love song. He couldn't actually tell, as he did not speak Chinese.

The crowd applaud. Donghyuck pushes Rose closer to Kun. When Kun notices them, he gives a surprised smile as he stands from the park bench he was sat on, "Hyuck! Rose! Fancy seeing you here together."

"Ya, I’m her first love,” Donghyuck says.

Rose shakes her hand, “you’re my boyfriend now, oppa.”

Kun chuckles, “one of the many.”

“Consider me impressed yet again by your many talents, Qian,” Donghyuck states.

Kun smiles softly and bows, pushing the guitar he had strapped on behind him.

"He's just perfect, isn't he?" Rose swoons.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says, letting the two of them catch up. He decides to wait for Kun and head back to campus together.

On their walk back, Kun asks, "Now that I think about it, how are you living in a frat house?"

Donghyuck understands what he means, "My parents house isn't actually that far from here, which is why my parents even let me go to college in the first place. And my Aunt's stepson, Yuta, is actually a frat brother. He's also a almost a doctor and my roommate, so I'm his responsibility on top of residency. Fun right?"

Kun watches as Donghyuck kicks a rock, "He has to babysit me all cause I want to experience a normal college life."

"I'm sure he doesn't think of it that way, much like I don't think of you any less of a friend, though I worry for you."

He chuckles dryly, "I don't want anyone to worry about me though."

Kun smiles, "I don't worry for you anymore than I worry for our mutual dark humor loving friend."

Donghyuck feels his breath hitch, "speaking of...” he turns to his shoes, “I've been thinking about her a lot."

Kun nods, "when you hang with her as much as you do, I would be shocked if you didn't."

Donghyuck looks at his fond expression, knowing it was because of her that he looked this way. "You still like her, right?"

Kun turns to him, expression dropping.

"She told me you dated in high school but broke it off because you both thought you worked better as friends."

Kun sighs and chuckles, "Yes."

Donghyuck watches Kun's face. Kun realizes his confusion and clarifies, "I mean yes, it was a mutual decision. You know how she gets, how she acts on impulse from time to time and has no filter. She's just such an adrenaline junkie that I can't keep up." Kun shakes his head and then purses his lips, "and yes too. I... think there will always be a small part of me that likes her. She's my weakness, more because she and I literally grew up with each other, I think."

Kun looks at Donghyuck's deflated expression. He slaps a hand on his shoulder, "but I know she likes you, and I know you know it too, Hyuck, as much as I know you like her back."

Donghyuck chuckles bitterly, thinking this guy truly was truly everything you could ever want to have and be. Kind, understanding, patient, a model of health. No way he could ever match up to Kun.

"It's pointless though. I'm sure you understand that, since you told her to slowly walk with me."

He pulls back, "Dude, I never told her to walk with you. I told her to understand what she was getting herself into. She came to that herself."

Donghyuck knits his brows softly upon hearing that.

Kun chuckles, "do what you must with that information. I'll be here, for both of you."

From DUNGHYUHAHA: do you want to go to a frat party with me?

From DUNGHYUHAHA: also did you change my contact name yet?

To DUNGHYUHAHA: yes and no respectively

From DUNGHYUHAHA: 🙄

From DUNGHYUHAHA: pick you up at 6

I hear a knock on my door. I open it and I see Donghyuck holding flowers and wearing a pink hoodie under a suit jacket. His eyes scan me as he softly says, "Hi."

"Flowers?"

He smiles, "Irises, no chocolate in the middle though. I’m on a budget.”

I chuckle as he hands it to me, “It means hope, as I was hoping to tell you something important tonight."

I smile and get the bouquet from him, "well were you hoping to say it before or after I put these in a vase?"

"During?" he mutters.

I nod and invite him in, "leave your shoes off by the door."

"Yes mom," he says like every other time he's been in my place and taken off his shoes.

I roll my eyes as I give the irises a smell.

"You look really good. Maroon is definitely your color."

I turn to him and raise a brow, "you told me that when I wore grey sweatpants. I'm honestly a little upset I get the same reaction for dolling up in a cute lil dress."

I head to the kitchen of my tiny dorm.

"Trust me, words can't explain how immaculate you look," Donghyuck says as I grab one of my pitchers with left over orange juice and give it a rinse.

I chuckle and feel my cheeks burn, "that's more like it." I place the irises in the pitcher and prop it by the window sill.

Donghyuck's eyes examine the room and he lets out a soft chuckle, "I still don't understand how someone with perfect notes-- color coordinated, lined and bulleted and all, has such a mess of a dorm room."

I point at him and pout, "hey! What's in here," I bring my pointer and middle finger to my temple and tap it, "is far more important than what's" I motion to the general surrounding, "out here. I'm pretty sure I would be go crazy if I didn't do my notes like that."

"I thought you were already crazy though?"

I cross my arms, "I'm starting to think you don't like me."

Donghyuck chuckles and steps forward, "believe me," he pushes me back, "that's the furthest from the truth."

I fumble back and hit the kitchen counter. I make an ungraceful sound on my way. It snaps Donghyuck out of his trance, it seems, as he reaches out to keep me steady, "sorry, sorry. I don't know what got over me."

"Hopefully something good," I mutter.

After a moment passes, Donghyuck looks me in the eye and releases a breath, "Do you still want to try this with me?"

I raise my brows, watching as his soft lips quiver. 

He breathes in deeply then leans in and places a kiss on my lips. It lasts for two seconds before he pulls away to give me an embrace. He crouches down so he could rest his head on my shoulder. His arms around me hold me tightly in place, "I want to walk with you slowly, while holding your hand, while laughing with you, while crying. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you. I want to call you baby. I want to spend the rest of my life with you-" 

The initial shock that prevented me from moving wears off and I finally hug him back. We adjust in the embrace as he whispers, "-no matter how long or short is left."

My lips part and I quietly say, "You might regret that if you end up living to be a hundred."

"A hundred years of torment sounds good as long as its by you."

"Dude, I do not pray for your soul everyday just to have you go to hell on my watch."

Donghyuck pulls away with a chuckle, "you pray for my soul?"

I nod, "I pray... that if I can't have you for a hundred years, then at least you'll live somewhere you don't ever have to hurt again."

Donghyuck knits his brows at that. I bring my hands up to cup his cheeks, "but to answer question: yes. I want to walk with you. Yes as long as pi."

He smiles, "I'm glad you called me nerd."

"I'm glad you called me nerd."

"... can I kiss you longer this time?"

I nod.

He licks his lips and leans down, pressing his lips on mine. It’s just as thought as I’ve always imagined them to be. My entire body ignites into warmth and electricity. My hands run down his nape and rest by his shoulders. His hands pull me in by my waist.

We savor the warmth between us for a good while. He pushes me back against my counter and bring his hands down my thighs. His hands are burning hot against my exposed skin. He pulls away to mutter, "did I tell you you look so sexy in this dress- in any dress- in anything?"

I kiss him back after scolding, "stop talking." Donghyuck pushes closer to me, bringing me up my counter, finding himself in between my legs. I wrap them around his waist. I begin to nip at his lower lip. He lets out a sound that makes my stomach swirl.

I dig my thumbs into his coat collar and push it down. He readily throws his coat off, then catches my head in his hands.

He pulls away and begins to kiss my neck.

I pant, "my makeup is ruined."

“We’re not going to the party anymore,” he mutters quickly as he sucks on my skin.

I moan and pull him even closer to me, “good.”

Donghyuck brings his hands down by the hem of my skirt. He slowly brings his hands up, making goosebumps form on my skin. I curl my toes up and whisper, "Donghyuck."

He catches his lips in mine again. My hands fiddle with the end of his hoodie. My hands begin to find the bare skin on his torso. His hands skip all the way back up to my waist.

I break away this time to kiss his temple, airily telling him, "I want you to take this off." I pull his hoodie up by its hem gently. Donghyuck doesn't waste time and rips it off of him, throwing it off to the side with his coat. He doesn't really give me an opportunity to bask in his beauty, but I do catch the muscle build of his arms and the firmness of is stomach.

I can't really complain when his lips meet mine again.

We continue like this for a long while. It's nice, but I want more.

"Donghyuck," I say, pulling away, only to have him kiss me again. He hums and pecks at my lips intermittently. I hold his head in my hands, "I want to move to my bedroom."

Again, he leans in to kiss me, then grabs my hand, leading me off into the bedroom. He gets on my bed and pulls me up close to him. In this moment, I see my lipstick was smeared all over his face. He looked dazed and so, so, pretty though. 

I'm sure I looked like a with all the colors on my face smeared around but I really couldn't bring myself to care right now. And it was as if he heard my thought that he suddenly spoke up, “you’re so beautiful.”

My stomach swirls as he kisses my neck quickly. He rests on his knees as I sit down next to him. He brings his hands back to my face and begins kissing my lips again.

We climb up to my bed. I wind up lying on my back. He hovers atop me with his resting by my right.

I push him away and he flutters his eyes open. I whisper his name again. He pushes my hair back and nods, "yes?"

"Help me take my dress off."

"Baby," he calls, making my stomach drop and burst into butterflies, "I know where this is heading.”

I feel my cheeks burn so I joke, “you don’t have to flex you’ve been with other women before me.”

He sighs in defeat, “You know that’s not what I mean.”

I kiss him again and he breaks away, “we don't have to do anything."

I nibble the inside of my lower lip, "but I want to."

"I still have time, I promise."

He begins to kiss me softly. I kiss him back but then push him off, all the way off, making him topple over on his back. I take this opportunity to climb on top of him, "it's not about time... it's about me wanting you, needing you, now."

Donghyuck lets out a moan as I move on him. He grabs my hips and looks a warning look, "baby please. Don't you want your first time to be more special? I can plan it so it'll be more memorable."

"Anything with you is memorable in and of itself, Hyuck."

Donghyuck groans, "you're really making this hard."

"More ways than one," I squeak softly.

Donghyuck props himself up on elbows then sit up. He adjusts me on his lap and kisses me while his hands work on the zipper of my dress. He pulls it down halfway, "last chance baby. It'll be hard to stop me when I begin to hear you squirm."

I feel myself begin to pulse at his words. He peppers my neck with kisses and wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and think for a moment, I try to think about the consequences, but all I can really imagine is Donghyuck kissing me like this.

"I'm sure, Hyuck," I whisper by his ear.

Donghyuck immediately pulls away to zip my dress all the way down. He then pulls my dress off over my head. when he digs his fingers into the sides of my cycling shorts I suddenly realize something illusion shattering. I didn't shave absolutely anything. Not my legs, nor my armpits, especially not my-

this was a bad idea.

I try to play it off. It was pretty dark in my room anyway since we didn't put the lights on. Donghyuck quickly unhooks my bra and throws it off.

I whine his name out when his hands begin to knead my breasts. My hands dig into my sheets by the side.

He pulls his hands away and pushes me off by my hips, giving me a kiss as he does so. He pulls my shorts down and I feel my heart race. I step out of it and he kisses my thigh before standing up and saying, "Lie down, darlin'."

I do just as he says and feel conscious when he doesn’t take his eyes off me. I wrap my arms around my chest. He chuckles as I watch him as he pulls out his wallet from his pants. "Like what you see?"

I nod, making him laugh. "You know how to boost a man's ego."  

He wasn't molded into pure muscle, but he was beautiful with his bare chest exposed. In this moment, I can faintly spot the scar on his belly. On impulse, I sit up and reach for it. He freezes as he looks down on me.

I still had an arm over my chest when I places a kiss on his skin. He lets out a shakey breath and brushes my hair back. “I got it,” he calls, showing me a packet out. He places it in between his lips and I sink back down when I  hear him work on his pants. My eyes wander away as I note, “you just have that with you?”

He chuckles again. I feel my face burn and I cover my face. I hear a wrapper opening then the quiet of my room. 

“Some people say it’s good luck. I’m just trying to cash in as much luck I can get.”

The bed then dips and Donghyuck grabs my legs, hovering in between them. He rests his stomach on my pelvis. I jolt up and squeal when I feel his belly vibrate against my core when he laughs another time. He pulls my hands away from my face, "I think you're past the point of being shy, no?"

"I should have never told you I haven't had sex before."

He chuckles again and I whine, “I don’t really know where that’s coming from, but okay.”

“You just look so smug!”

"Because you’re so fucking hot. What would change if you hadn’t told me anyway. I can clearly tell from the way you react to me.”

I don't really have time to respond when he suddenly behinds moving down. My heart practically stops, and I grab onto his shoulders, "don't go down there."

"Is it haunted?"

"I didn't shave."

"Neither did I, and you don't seem concerned."

"I didn't look."

He laughs again, "I know you didn't, but even after telling you, you still want to fuck me."

I punch his shoulder, "don't say it like that."

He laughs even louder, "sorry, sweetheart, I mean make love."

He examines my nervous look and kisses my jaw, “I don’t know if this will help, but none of the women I did it with didn’t shave either.”

I catch his eyes and find myself relaxing a bit, “how many women did you do it with though?”

“Really? Now?”

“I take statistics! The numbers never lie.”

He rolls his eyes, “well let me go into detail then. My first time was with my first love and I had two girlfriends after that, so it would be 4 if you let me finish.”

I turn away from him to compute the average of this, if you take into consideration the general popu-- I yelp when he begins to move down again. I wrap my legs around him tightly and grab his face, "Donghyuck, please!"

"Cutie, don't worry about hair, okay? Everything about you is beautiful and I'm so fucking hard right now, you don't even know," he kisses my chin, "I can feel you pulsing and I really want to make you scream my name the right way."

"Donghyuck..."

He shushes me, "just say my name when I make you feel good, okay? No more protesting. And actually, try not to be so loud.”

Without another seconds notice, I gasp and Donghyuck is right in between my thighs. My heart is racing. He pulls my underwear off and I try to close my legs, which honestly was just smushing his face.

He chuckles and places either of his hands on my thighs and pushes them away. I cover my mouth with both my hands. He speaks up, "remember what we talked about, honey."

He places his tongue on my core and I groan onto my hands. Him chuckling against me was only making my reactions worse. Donghyuck reaches for my wrist then pulls my hand away, "come on baby, don't be shy."

He pulls my hands away from my face and I humor him but still do my best to suppress my noises as he kisses me. I can't help but writhe and squeak and Donghyuck can't help but feel so smug.

"I can't tell if you like it if you don't say my name."

I whine out his name

The hot breath of his chuckle hits me, making goosebumps form, "Atta girl."

From this point on, I do nothing but squirm and call his name out. His tongue begins to move inside of me and I begin to feel like I'm about to explode. I want to call for mercy, but I can't seem to form coherences anymore.

His lips begin to move outward, back to my thighs. He begins nibbling on my flesh. I catch my breath. He then climbs back up, and meets me little over eye level. He grinds my hips on mine, making me yelp all over again. I pull at my sheets. With his arms on both my sides, he remains propped up and smirks, "you're so adorable."

"Donghyuck."

He kisses the crown on my head, "wrap your arms around me."

I do just that and he shifts his weight atop me. He groans when I dig my fingers into his skin. He then adjusts himself between my legs and kisses my jaw. He lifts himself up by his knees and pushes into me. I let out a broken sound and he moans against my neck. His hot breath was trying to burn me.

"Does it hurt?"

I breathe in and out, "It feels big."

He nibbles my skin, "thanks, but does it hurt?"

"A little bit, I’m not really sure. I mostly feel stretched out."

He chuckles again and I moan out, instantly making him moan too.

"Fuck, you feel so good."

I whine and nip on his ear lobe, "are you going to move?"

"So impatient," he teases, "in a minute, I just want to keep you safe and comfortable."

"I know," I kiss his cheek.

When he begins to move, it feels like we were slipping out of time. Goodness knows how long he bucked his hips back and forth until we reached a comfortable rhythm.

Donghyuck sheds his teasing nature and begins to match my unintelligible sounds at some point. He did find time to call my name out in the same way I manage to call out his.

I begin to feel my feet tingling and my stomach tightening. For a moment I feel like he could do absolutely anything to me and I would like it. He could spit in my mouth or tear me in half and I would thank him. I call his name out over and over again. The lewd sound in the air was drowned out to my ears by the noises that came out of my mouth.

I couldn't hold in my moans at this point even if I tried.

Donghyuck began to pick up the pace.

My breathing began to get ragged. Donghyuck’s hand on my thighs began to tighten. My fingers dig deeper into his back. His teeth were digging into my neck.

The tension between us is climbing so high. Then suddenly it just burns up and bursts into a million pieces.

Donghyuck works on the moment for as long as he can before ultimately going down as limp as me.

We both catch our breath. Donghyuck moans as he kisses my neck. Neither of us move for a long while and I enjoy the feeling of his weight on top of me.

With his chest pressed up against me, I felt so nice and snug, fully in bliss.

I now understood everyone wrote about sex.

I whine when he moves off me. Suddenly I feel so bare and empty. "Don't worry your pretty little head, I'm still here. Good job."

"I don't feel like moving," I say, making Hyuck nuzzle up against me and kiss my cheeks, "I know baby girl and as sexy as you look like that, I don’t think you’d appreciate the consequences of sleeping with makeup."

My eyelids are heavy but Donghyuck’s urging tone gives me the strength to make my way out of the bed and to the bathroom. It feels like how you feel walking after you got off a rollercoaster or a boat, familiar but also not at all.

I wash my face and brush my teeth. I suddenly feel the urge to pee, and when I do, feeling the stickiness in between my legs, this haze over my head evaporates and I realize I just had sex with my... friend.

I wash up and squeal when I hear Donghyuck say, “I managed to change you bedsheet in your minefield.”

It doesn’t even occur to me why he did that, “Donghyuck! A little privacy.”

I full on breaks into a laugh, “I was just inside of you.”

“HYUCK!”

He laughs and raises an arm defensively, “Alright.” He opens the sink, “I was the one that stripped you naked, remember?” I grumble and run back into the bedroom to hide under my covers.

Donghyuck soon comes running after, “JAGIYAAAAAAAA.”

I don’t respond to him and he laughs as he makes his way next to me. He literally jumps into my bed, really falling off. I gasp in concern, “you moron!”

He chuckles and turns to me, “I’m okayyyy!”

He gets under the blankets and snuggles close to me, muttering, “we have to sleep really close together cause your bed is super small.”

“Like your brain.”

“But not my dick, huh?”

I make a disgusted sound and begin to elbow him. He wheezes in amusement and grabs my arms, pressing me down, “Okay! Okay. I’ll stop.”

He presses his chest against my back, keeping a safe space between our lower bodies. He moves rubs his head against be affectionately and squeezes me against him, “you did enjoy it, right?”

I scoff, “you’re already cocky as it is.”

He laughs obnoxiously, “you do know what that insinuates right? But you gotta stop being shy eventually so I know what you like. I gotta make sure I die knowing I’m the best you ever had.”

“Hyuck-”

“Okay sorry,” he kisses, “go to sleep. We can talk about this next time.”

“Bold of you to assume I’d do this with you again.”

He forfeits the laugh and kisses me, “I can show you how persuasive I can be.”

The next day as I blink my eyes open, sunlight barely meets it. I breathe in and stretch, whipping my head to my left side when I don't feel Donghyuck next to me. I shift from under the blanket, seeing Donghyuck was sitting on the side of the bed blocking most of the view of my window. He seemed to be still fully stripped naked judging by the bareness of his back. I remember digging my fingers in his skin, but it seems to not been as hard as I thought it was considering how smooth it was.

He had a phone to his ear when he turns over to me when he feels me shift.

He smiles as he replies to whom he was talking too, "no I know, I know."

I smile back at him and whisper, "good morning." I feel my morning breath come out. He brings his phone to the other side of his ear. With his now free left hand, he brushes my hair away and sends me a kiss through the air before turning back around. I reach out to him and draw hearts on his back. His body twists and he lets out a soft sound because of it. I’m rubbing and poking him for fun at this point. He continues replying to whom he had on the line all the while.

Even his back was pretty. He had a straight line separating the left and the right of it and had not a blemish or mole in sight. I bring myself up and rest my cheek on his shoulder, embracing him from behind.

He places a hand on mine and finishes off his conversation, "Yeah. Okay, eomma. I love you too."

He puts his phone down on the desk next to my bed and he turns to meet me, "good morning."

I slap a hand on my mouth, making him stop and pout. I mutter behind my hand, "I haven't brushed my teeth."

Donghyuck makes an annoyed face and pulls my hand away, placing a quick kiss on my lips. He then jolts up and shoves himself back down against me, resting his weight on my body, "oh no! I'm dead cause I kissed you when you had morning breath."

I make a face. As he looks at me, he matches my expression. My lips curve into a smile, "you know I've always wanted to draw on my boyfriend's back."

He smiles softly, then fully flaunts his teeth, "so last night when you were ripping my skin out was your way of asking me to be your boyfriend."

"No, I didn’t leave a mark on your skin," I deadpan, "also, I was just telling you that I imagined connecting freckles on my boyfriend's back and making my own constellation. You don't really have freckles on your back, and that's kind of a problem."

He scowls, "I hate him."

I break into a laugh, "but he's my boyfriend!"

"I want to be your boyfriend!" he whines and lets out an annoying sound, "please don't tell me to plan something. Not now. I'll die if I wait any longer."

I roll my eyes, "please you're so dramatic."

"I have cancer! I'm allowed to dramatize my impending demise."

"Fine," I say, "you can be my boyfriend with your freckle-less back."

Donghyuck purses his lips and clenches his fists, "Yes! I'll grow freckles on my back or tattoo them."

I shake my head, "don't even try. It won't be the same."

He whines, "I'll never stop thinking about your fake boyfriend. Ever."

I snort, "I can put glitter on your back and make my own constellations." He catches my expression and smiles, “I love you.”

I still and smile back, “I love you, Hyuck.”

He leans in for a kiss. I shake my head and giggle. I lightly slap his lips, "I'm going to brush my teeth and shower."

He immediately perks up and grins, "I'm coming with you."

I pull the blankets up cover myself and shake my head profusely, "absolutely not, Hyuck."

He whines like a child and slaps the bed. He brings a leg up to the bed as he turns his body to me, "YaAaA! I wanna shower with you though."

"I'm not ready for you to see me in day light."

He punches the bed, "I saw everything already! I have night vision. I was inside of you."

"HYUCK STOP SAYING THAT!"

“IT”S TRUE THOUGH,” he throws another tantrum, "come on pleassssseeeeee."

"Donghyuck, you don't even have any clothes to change into. Maybe you should take a shower at your place."

He reels back, jaw dropping, "are you kicking me out?"

"I'm not ki-"

"Wah, I can't believe you’re kicking your boyfriend out 10 seconds after saying I love you," he clicks his tongue.

"I'M NOT KICKING YOU OUT! I'm just being rational."

Hyuck shakes his head, "Rational? Says the girl who tried to buy ice cream from a child."

I growl, "I shouldn’t have told you that either! It was an experiment, alright! To see if someone that age could understand the value of money."

"And yet if you hadn't known the kid or her mom, it would just be labeled pedophilia."

I purse my lips, "you know what, I am actually kicking you out."

He strikes his chest with his fist and throws himself back down on me, "remember you’re kicking out someone who's got a life cycle of a butterfly."

My eyes suddenly look for the scar on his stomach. It was a lot bigger than I pictured it in my head. I look away when I begin to look a little lower. I clear my throat and  raise a brow, "if I give you a pass now, I'll keep doing that forever, so you have to keep listening to me."

He raises his upper lips, "how bossy."

"That's sexist."

He sighs, "you're sexy."

"False equivalence."

He sits back up and shakes his head, "fine. I'll shower at my place and run back here. Only cause I am, like, so fucking in love with you I might have heart cancer." 

“Haechan, please.” 

He points and glares at me, "if you kick me out next time, I'm going to cry."

I cant help but bring a hand to my lips and break into a laugh.

"Ya! Am I a joke to you?"

I shake my head and throw myself at him, giving him a hug, "no. You're my full sun."

He smiles, "good."

The next thing I knew I was constantly kissing Donghyuck.

Everything was pretty hazy, since it feels like I get drunk on his lips. We did walk slowly together, holding hands, in the park, in the mall, to class, to lunch, to my dorm, to his frat house. It was pretty good exercise and pretty romantic, all things considered.

We also watched movies almost every night, and did other things on some. What? I mean homework.

We would go to the library together and he would make me do his notes, to which I would both take joy in doing and would be really stressed with.

We had fun like the best of  friends, and kissed like the best of lovers.

Everyday I would wake up and think of something new I wanted to experience with him. Chemistry became dear to me, simply because I could go to class and watch him mess up simple equations in front of me.

It was adorable.

On this particular night as I did my homework with him, Kun, Jaemin and Sana in the big-ass dining table in the Donghyuck's frat house, he looked extremely adorable being so confused with such simple questions. I kept my eyes fixed on his frustrated face. I had my head rested on my hand, elbow on top of my notebook with the homework I finished hours ago.

Kun points to Sana's work and says, "you missed a 2 in your equation."

Sana sighs. Jaemin pouts at her and pets her head, "it's alright. You would have gotten the right answer had you not missed that."

"I can't believe people like this shit," Donghyuck complains. I scan his work and point at his solution, "you're almost there. Y equals what, Hyuck?"

"Y the fuck do I need to learn this?"

"It's fun!"

"Just give me your philosophy homework," he whines.

"No cheating in this household," Kun says as he flips a page of his economics book.

I shake my head at Donghyuck, "I don’t need help. I'm done with all my homework."

"Can you just do my stats. You get high off of this anyway."

"Hyuck."

He whines, "I have one number left!"

"Exactly. And I want you to learn because you have to pass and I can't do your tests too, now can I?"

Donghyuck places his arms in front of him and slams his head on the table, "I hate it here."

I giggle and nuzzle up next to him, "aw, isn't he so cute when he's like this?"

Sana coos at us and nods. Jaemin couldn't care less. Kun makes a face and shakes his head in disapproval, "you've become the very thing you despise."

Jaemin chuckles, "dude has to get laid."

"I'm quite satisfied with my homework, thank you."

Jaemin makes a face, "gross."

It's funny how high you can get and how fast you can fall.

After my class, I head off the flower shop who's owner I came to know as Mrs. Park. I dropped by pretty often that I could say she was becoming somewhat of a friend.

I make my way to St. John's and get to room 304. Mr. Lee is standing outside the room, using his phone. I grip the strap of my backpack. "Hi," I call and wave with my available hand, "good evening, uncle."

He turn to me and then the flowers I had in hand, "good evening sweetheart." He places a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Donghyuck told me not to let you in again."

I sigh.

"You can go in, though he fell asleep I think. His mom and I are just going to get some food, okay?"

I nod and smile, "I'll be here."

"You can wake him up if you like."

I shake my head, "I'll just leave the flowers and go home."

He nods, "okay, stay safe, dear."

Once he leaves, I quietly enter the hospital room and close the door behind me. I walk by his bed, looking at his sleeping form and go to the table next him. I take the roses I left last time and replace it with the irises I bought.

"You're so unoriginal," a soft voice comes from the hospital bed.

I purse my lips into a soft smile and shake my head, "I ran out of flowers to give you. It's a sign you have to check out soon."

Donghyuck chuckles softly, “Iris is a good baby name no?”

I chuckle, “yeah.” 

I turn to his pale and sullen face. His lips were missing the balm he always put on and looked uncharacteristically chapped because of this. I bring my backpack in front of me and pull out some red lipstick. "Can I do the honors?"

He looks at the cosmetic and sighs, "it's what I get for making you my girlfriend."

I smile and move to the other side of the bed where his drip wasn't stationed. I sit down next to him and put on the red on his lips. Once I'm done, he places his hands by his jaw and smiles softly, "how do I look?"

"Like a supermodel," I say.

He sighs, "had I not had cancer, I'd make Naomi Campbell retire."

I chuckle, "It's not to late. We can still make her quiver in her stilettos."

He shakes his head weakly, "I get too tired. I can barely keep up with you as it is. That's why my tongue is so important."

"Donghyuck."

He puckers his red lips, all pleased, "that's what you say every night."

I shake my head and pull my phone out, quickly stealing pictures of him. His face falls. He immediately reacts and blocks my phone, "come on, we’ve talked about this. No pictures."

"You don't look sick, you look sick."

He shakes his head, "I'm in a hospital gown."

"And you work it like the sex god you are."

He can't help but break into a laugh, no matter how hard he tried to hold it in. "Geez. You are so fake. I'm glad we can't have kids because they'll both be liars and traitors."

His word hit a nerve. Not because of the kids, but because he feels betrayed that his parents won't listen to him when he tells them not to let me visit him while he's here.

He catches my fallen expression. He firmly and coldly states, "I'm not getting you pregnant."

I shake my head, "you should stop making your parents promise to keep me from seeing you."

He scoffs and rolls his eyes, "they never listen to me anyway."

"Donghyuck-" "You see me now don't you?!" he suddenly snaps and gestures his hand up, "look at my face. You want to see this? I don't want you to wake up next to me looking like this."

I keep my silence. I watch as the desperation in his eyes build.

"I told you what the doctors told me. I'm two steps away from organ failure. I could literally die while we're on a date. Do you know how scared I am of doing that to you? Even when we're just walking, I have this shit imbedded at the back of my mind."

"Haechan..."

“I told you. I told you you’d regret joking about it.”

I chuckle bitterly, knowing exactly the joke he mean, “it was funny when I said it.”

“It was,” he hisses, turning away from me, “I'm glad I got to have you, but you don't have to watch me die. It’ll be easier for the both of us this way. You can let go of me now."

My eyes immediately water when I speak, "you want to let go of me?"

"Fuck no," he whispers, "I don't have enough strength to do that."

"Then please don't drive me away," I reply. 

Tears burn down my face, but I'm only concerned about the ones burning down his. I wipe his face and bite the inside of my lip to keep my silence. I pull my hands away and grab his in mine, "I still want to walk with you."

He sighs and grips my hands back. He finally meets my eyes, "you're gonna have to push my wheelchair to the cemetery."

His analogy hurts, but I still nod, "okay."

He disagrees, "don't speak so quickly."

"I swear, I'm not."

He brings his hands to my cheeks, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

“If you have something in the back of your head, I do too, so let’s just...” I lick my lips, “put on some red lipstick and send memes to Kun okay?”

He releases a sigh, "okay, nerd."

I choke on my tears. I release a breath to calm myself down and reply, "okay, Haechan."

To everyone’s joy and relief, he was well enough to leave the hospital to take his finals. I have never been so happy on an exam day.

Kun and I had breakfast together then went to our shared exam room. It my happiness, I skipped on our way and held Kun’s hand, swinging it back and forth. I swore I heard someone mumbling something about wanting to blow us up for PDA so early in the morning or something along those lines.

I couldn't care less though, cause I was really happy today and nothing was going to change that.

"Are you sure Donghyuck has a drivers license?" Kun asks for the nth time. He pulls on my arm, ceasing its motion and I turn to him to make a face, "yes, mom. He even sent me a picture of it and it isn't expired."

He lets out a breath, "you could have lead with that."

"I didn't know you would be that worried about it."

"I'm offended. You of all people should know I never stop worrying. You’re the reason why I’m like this, with that mud pie incident."

“It’s not my fault I thought mud pies turned into actual pies! That’s literally on everyone else before me. I was a troll child back then! With a troll mind.”

Kun scoffs, “you were though.”

"I just said I was,” I raise my hand and flash him a face, “is that why you died your hair platinum blonde? To hide all the white hairs that sprung up on your cranium."

"You know, for once, you're actually right."

I halt my skipping, "wait seriously."

Kun's eyes wander, "at least I'm not going bald."

"Hey! Haechan doesn't have hair loss."

Kun whips his head to me, "I wasn't talking about Haechan."

I snort, "I know, loser."

Right after our exam, Kun and I made our way out of building and I immediately spotted Donghyuck leaning against a sleek black car in a army green hoodie and shades.

Kun raises his brows, "wow, he's got a Benz?"

"Borrowed. It’s his cousin's grad gift."

"Oh? The doctor one? Dang, they rich-rich."

I wave at Donghyuck who had his hood on and he waves back. Kun waves at him too, then I wave at Kun, "bye babez."

"Bye babez," he replies as I run over to Donghyuck.

I immediately wrap my arms around him and giggle in his arms, "hi baby."

"Hey sexy," he says, kissing me on the head. He brings his arms around me, sealing me into a long, warm embrace. 

Once we pull away, he brings his hands in front of me, revealing a bouquet of flowers. I coo at them as he says, "I figured I'd get even with you."

I get the flowers from him and smell the vibrant bouquet of pink, yellow and blue, smiling ear to ear.

"To you, I offer eternity," he says, making me chuckle when I turn to him, "how cheesy."

"Hey, I didn't make the meanings up. Some person saw primroses and said, 'oh, you know what, this means eternal love'."

I shake my head, "still corny though.”

“You’re corny.”

“Thanks, that means a lot, coming from you.”

"Well," Donghyuck asks, "you ready to go for a drive?"

I nod and wave my flowers around, up in the air, "I'm so excited to go to a drive through."

He groans in disgust, "drive through? Babe, I was planning to go to a cute restaurant but you want fast food?"

"We can go to a drive through and a cute restaurant."

He rolls his eyes and moves to pull the door open for me, "as if I don't have enough medical bills to pay."

"I'll pay for the food!"

He gives me a look, "there was no way you weren't gonna."

Much to his displeasure, I get so sidetracked with every place we passed by we barely get to follow the itinerary he had planned for the day. He continuously attempts to get us back on track, but we do not reach the park he wanted to get to before the sunset to get to watch it.

Instead, we sit on the hood of Yuta's car and eat some hamburgers and fries, looking at the stars, failing to find any of the many constellations.

"I give up," he mutters, ripping his eyes away from the guide he had on his screen, flipping his phone back looking at the wrapper still on his phone case. He dumbly blurts, “is that Harry Styles? ♩ Watermelon sugar high ♩.”

What the- I give him a look, “are you high?”

“♩ Watermelon sugar high ♩” 

I block his face with my phone and examine the star chart on it. He sips on his drink then says, "you're looking at an astrology chart, by the way, not an astronomy chart."

"I mean, technically, they're one in the same, since they base their stuff up on the same stars."

"Yeah, except I hate astrology. Like, don't say you're a libra, just say you're a fucking idiot."

"Seems like a philosophy thing."

Donghyuck raises a brow, "you talk to other philosophy students?"

"Dummy, I knew Jaemin personally before you."

"Oh. Well, carry on then."

I snort, "but imagine if libras are actually the dumb ones though, and you got it right."

He pulls away the drink he was supposed to sip on, "we are not going to talk about this anymore."

"Okay," I eat a french fry and some burger, "what do you want to talk about then?"

"Hmm. I promised not to, but I still kinda want to fuck you in my cousin's car."

I nearly choke on my food. Donghyuck bursts out laughing. I turn to him and glare. I continue chewing the burger I had in my mouth and look for a tissue. I find one on Dongyuk's lap and blow my nose on it, "I think a pickle went up my nose."

Donghyuck laughs even harder, falling back on the windshield.

I shake my head, "why is this so funny to you?"

He catches his breath and wipes his tears, "I dunno. It's cute you think I don't think about eating you out every time you're near me."

I shove his side, "shut up."

He whines yet still manages to continue laughing, "my liver."

"Quit being dramatic," I say, crumpling up the tissue I used and throwing it at him. I then pick it back up and place it in the plastic bag of trash we had.

His laughter dies down but his whining continues. After a moment, he sits back up and I realize he wasn't joking. I shift to face him, "Donghyuck."

I shakes his head and raises a hand, "I'm fine. It happens when you have liver cancer."

"Do you want to go home?"

He lets out an airy breath, "no, I don't want to fuck you where all the frat boys can hear and jerk off to your moans."

"Donghyuck , I'm being serious."

"I'm being serious too! I heard them talk about this before. It's disgusting."

I grip his wrist and squeeze it, "Donghyuck ."

He lets out a breath and kisses my nose, "I promise I'm good. It's a side effect of the chemo. I'll take this rather than lose my hair, for you, so you can say your hot boyfriend has good hair."

I frown and nod.

He places an arm on my shoulders when I don’t respond to his words the way he wants me to, "I'm sorry for killing the mood."

He pulls me close. I shake my head and place my cheek on his chest. I bring my hand to his collarbone. I begin to fiddle with the string of his hoodie. I kiss his neck and mumble, "... we can fuck in my dorm."

He pulls back and blinks. He weighs the sincerity in my words then blurts, "get in the car."

I'm not really one to play favorites, because I normally black out when people ask me what my favorite thing is, but if you were to ask me what my favorite memory was, it would be this:

"KUN YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH!" Donghyuck screams as he video calls the said bitch.

"HOW IS IT MY FAULT IT'S STORMING!" Kun screams back from the other side of the screen. Well, unlike Donghyuck who was actually screaming with his whole chest, Kun was whisper-yelling against the speaker of his phone.

Jaemin bends his knees up and down as he looked at the table, "I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him. I’m gonna tell him." Sana beside him shakes her head, "nooo, we still have to surprise Kun.”

"But I Sana, I want cake," Jaemin whines.

Sana kisses his cheek, "I know. But you know how much cake you already steal from Kun when he makes some.”

Jaemin whines at his girlfriends sense, “Finnnnee.”

Donghyuck whines, "It's on you for volunteering on your birthday."

"It's not my fault I like following schedules!"

"IT IS THOUGH!" Donghyuck screams again.

I mutter to Hyuck, "we should just tell him."

Donghyuck turns to me, "no, he has to see it himself."

"He might be stranded in the hospital all night at this rate."

Jaemin hears this and screams, "NO!"

Kun's voice chimes in, "Wait, did everyone break into my room with you?"

I grab Donghyuck’s phone and yell, "Surprise! We-" there is a chorus of screams when thunder strikes and the lights flicker.

Donghyuck comes up next to me, "oh shit, the call might cut off."

I turn to the screen and see Kun turn on and off his camera. I shake my head, "ha, ha, very funny Kun."

He mutes and unmutes himself, pretending to get cut off.

"We should have never thrown a surprise party for you!" Jaemin screamed.

Kun unmutes and opens his camera, "I never asked you to do that anyway!"

Jaemin bursts back, "well, sorry for being a good friend then! I'm eating this cake I bought for you and no one can stop me. I'm changing the ownership back to me!"

“Dude,” Donghyuck warns, “step away from the cake. Think of how happy Kun will be when he sees his favorite flavor.”

Jaemin’s face contorts, “how can happiness be real when EVERYTHING we feel are just chemicals in our,” he slams his pointer to his head, “brain?”

“How can ANYTHING be real when we only PERCIEVE THE WORLD FOR WHAT WE ARE AND NOT FOR WHAT IT IS?”

Sana and I turn to each other and begin to panic. Sana grabs Jaemin, “Nana, please-” “HOW ARE WE EVEN SURE WE’RE REAL WHEN WE COULD BE IN A FUCKING MATRIX AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW,” Jaemin screans, loosing breath.

I flip Donghyuck’s phone over and show him the wrapper, “look! It’s a watermelon.” Donghyuck pushes me aside and raises a finger, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE NUMBERS?”

Kun screams with a lot of feedback, "I’M STILL RIGHT HERE!”

I flip the phone back and smile at Kun. He was shaking his head, “you guys are a bunch of idiots, and regretfully your my idiots."

"Oh my gosh, Kun just confessed to us," I say in a high pitched squeal.

Kun laughs, "Just go and eat the cake to stop this mayhem. Leave me a slice. I'll hang up the call now."

Donghyuck grabs his phone back, "no, no, no, no. No one's hanging up."

And so Donghyuck set up his phone by the table and we celebrated Kun's birthday without him while it stormed outside.

I took it upon myself to tell the gang all of the embarrassing Kun stories I had, knowing he had no way to stop me. Of course he threatened to disconnect the call, but we all knew he wasn't going to do that.

Donghyuck stands from his seat and brings a forkful of cake to the screen, "aah."

Kun brings his phone into his mouth and then pulls back to his face with a smile.

I shout in protest, "EWWW CANCELLED."

Kun quicky barks, "Cancel your boyfriend first for being so tacky and gross."

"My boyfriend is cute! Unlike some people."

Jaemin, on his third slice, cheers and shakes his hand as if it hurt. He raises his arm while still holding a fork and cheers, "someone just got burnt with the truth."

"Can it, Jaemin."

Donghyuck sits back down, "if you have some gum with you, you can chew it and pretend you're eating chocolate cake."

Kun shakes his head, "how thoughtful, but I," a crack of thunder sounds in Kun's area, making him stop and turn to the window behind him. He continues, "don't have any gum."

After feasting on some cake, the four of us have a dance party, which starts with us laughing our asses off because of our horrible twerking and generally horrible dance moves, and ends with us slow dancing and falling asleep on the couch.

Kun ends the call a little before that because the rain had finally stopped.

When he got back to his dorm, he finds us sleeping on his bed. He put blankets over Jaemin and Sana and he sacrificed his own blanket for Donghyuck and- "you're finally here."

Kun looks at Donghyuck's groggy face and nods, "yeah. Go back to sleep."

"No wait," he whispers and shifts slightly in his spot, careful not to wake up anyone. "I have to tell you something."

Kun hums.

"You know how people write letters for the dead even though they can't hear it. Well, this almost dead man wrote a letter for his loved ones and that includes you. It's on the table."

Kun goes to the table and looks for the said letter.

"It's in a white envelope."

Kun spots it and grabs it soon after.

"You don't have to read it now, but I will tell you it's mostly what you may think it is: a thank you for being my friend, a good bye," he says, making Kun tear up and turn away from him.

Donghyuck frowns, "sorry for dampening your birthday mood. I just had to talk about that one favor I asked for in the letter."

Kun releases a shaky breath. Donghyuck continues, "I know you're supposed to give to the celebrant and not ask for something, but I feel like I'm about to Usain Bolt to the finish line real soon."

"Hyuck... don't worry about it. Just tell me."

When Kun looks back at his friend, he finds he's crying. Donghyuck sniffles then lets out a breath to calm himself. He takes a moment before saying, "please don't resent me for having her."

Kun is shocked by his words. He furrows his brows at the idea his friend could think that about him. Donghyuck heaves for a moment then licks the salt on his lips. He wipes his face, "don't resent me when she cries about me, cause I know you can't resent her."

"Donghyuck..."

"I know I sound crazy and stupid," he laughs in between his tears, "and I swear I'm not in love with you or anything, but you've been one of the realest friends I've had in a long time." He wipes his face again, "and the idea of you resenting me when I’m gone eats me up inside. I don't want you to hate me for hurting her, or for hurting you when I'm gone."

"Hyuk, I won't resent you, I promise."

Donghyuck raises a pinkie, "Promise?"

Kun breaks into a sad smile and wraps his pinkie around his, "promise."

Donghyuck releases a breath, "take care of her, okay?"

"Always."

And even though I heard every bit of their conversation, fighting back tears so not to expose myself, even though it was so bittersweet, it's still my favorite memory.

I never got to share another subject with Hyuck the next term, mostly because he never got to enroll as he checked in St. John's indefinitely.

I try not to think about how hard it was to visit him everyday, knowing well that each time could be the last. I didn't want to say it was torture, because I truly still felt that every day with him was a precious blessing.

I was copying Kun's homework when he woke up. I had a chair by the side of his hospital bed and I was using his mattress as my table.

"I told my mom not to let you in," he says, turning to his mom was was sitting on the couch in front of him.

I turn from my notes to Donghyuck 's sunken face.

His mom turns from her phone to his son and shakes her head, "I can't promise something so cruel, Heachan."

Unlike last the time he was confined, when he only looked like he had lost the color in his skin, he looked different. He lost a weight, the roundness of his cheeks disappeared, because refused to have IV fluid poked into him any longer. He still ate meals every hour, but he didn’t have much of an appetite.

The playful gleam in his eyes were faded. I tried to reignite it sometimes by cracking a joke or two, but he found it hard to smile... or to even look at me, as he admitted some days ago.

I turn to him and crack as smile, "it's the consequence for wanting to be my boyfriend so bad."

He doesn't respond to that and instead had his eyes focused on my notes. I turn to my notes as well then turn back to him, "It's advanced calculus. Gross right?"

He doesn't chuckle, "you're not highlighting?"

When he looks at me, I turn back to my notes and realize he was right. My mistake was playing it off, "I'm trying something new."

He doesn't like that, "don't say that."

I turn away from him when I feel tears prick in the corner of my eyes. I feel his cool hand grab mine. He seems to push my notebook away or something. I scratch my tears away and turn back to him. He leans in and I meet him halfway, standing from where I sat and pressing my lips on his cool ones.

His mom had already turned the air conditioning off, but he was still cold. I break away and pull the blankets on him up. He grabs my hand again and mutters, "I'll come back to you a healthy man, and finish college so we can get married and have healthy babies."

I hear his mom gasp.

The tears glassing my eyes blurred my vision. I blinked them away so I could see him better. My tears fall down to his blanket. I nod, "I'll wait."

He shakes his head, "not in this lifetime, okay?"

I let out a cry and bite my lip to shut myself up.

He wipes my tears and turns to his mom, "Is dad coming back soon?"

"Yes," his mom dashes to his side, "he's coming back with lunch any moment now."

He nods, "good. I want to tell him how much I love him."

His mom full on weeps now. Donghyuck grabs her hand and smiles at her, "I'm sorry I'm making you cry."

His mother shakes her head in disagreement.

"Thank you for giving birth to me and taking care of me even though I'm an adult."

She grabs her son's face and kisses it all around, "of course, baby. You're my only baby, and you will always be my baby."

Just then, his dad walks in with a plastic bag of food. Donghyuck's mother turns to him and calls his name. He immediately puts the food down and runs to his wife.

Donghyuck lets go of my hand and reaches out for his dad, "hi dad."

He takes his son's hand. "Hi son," his voice breaks and tears immediately stream down his eyes.

Donghyuck frowns, "I'm sorry I couldn't step up to be the man of the house."

He shakes his head, "you've always been the man of the house, son. You taught me a lot of things while you grew up."

Donghyuck pulls away and sighs, "I would have been a great dad, don't you think?" Hyuck turns to me then back to his dad. I immediately grab his hand again. He grips me back

"Better than your foolish old man."

"Ya," Donghyuck whispers, "I passed the hardest exam in the country. I get that from you."

For a brief moment, the three of us muffle our tears as Donghyuck relaxes his head and cries. His mother wipes his tears away.

Hyuck closes his eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm just so tired."

"It's okay baby. You can rest now. No more chemo. No more pain."

"That sounds nice," he exhales, “I’m glad won’t be buried bald.” 

No one reacts.

He chuckles, “Too soon? Sorry. Bad habit.” He opens his eyes one last time and smiles, "it would probably be to stupid to ask you all to smile for me one last time, right?"

We all break into bitter laughs and smile at him the best we could.

He smiles back and looks at each of us, "I love you, mom. I love you, dad. I love you, baby."

We all say I love yous back and he closes his eyes. It isn't long before his grip in my hand loosens.

His mother begins to wail.

I turn to his hand and suddenly resent the sight of my notes in front of me. When some tears drop on the open page, I choke on my heart, seeing that Donghyuck managed to write I love you in the middle of my statistics notes.

"That's about it," I say to the girl who still had her head on my lap. I ask her, "did you like the story, Poppy?"

"It's so sad," she cries out. I turn to her not realizing she was scratching tears away from her face. I immediately pick her up and bring her into my arms, "aw, my baby girl, I didn't know you were crying."

She cries on my shoulder and I rub her back, trying to soothe her.

I see Kun from inside. He locks eyes with me, raising a brow accusingly as he points and mouths, "is that Poppy?" I give him a knowing look and he then makes his way out to the backyard. He shakes his head in disapproval, "and here I thought your days of hating children had ended."

I turn to him as he sits down, “Do you think I chose to have kids with you if it hadn’t?”

He sighs and pouts, holding Poppy's little hand, "why are you crying, sweetheart?"

When she doesn’t respond, I answer, "I told her about Donghyuck."

Kun's face of worry contorts into sadness, "oh."

Poppy begins to call out, "eomma!"

"Dear lord, did you make her cry?" Jaemin calls when he sees us. The girl immediately recognizes the voice and turns to run to her father, "appa!"

Jaemin picks up his daughter and coddles her, "why are you crying, huh? Did auntie hurt you? Should I teach her a lesson?"

She shakes her head, "It's so sad."

"What's sad?"

"Your friend Donghyuck. He died like Chichi." Chichi was their dog who she had grown up with.

Jaemin turns from his daughter, me, then back to his daughter, "Ah, it is sad, isn't it? I cried to when it happened, the way I cried when Chichi died. They were both were hurt. Now they’re together somewhere beautiful and are playing fetch!"

"Appa, I don't want to get sick, or you, or eomma."

"Eomma?" Sana repeats as she makes her way to her husband and daughter. She places a hand on her pregnant belly as he daughter continues to cry. She pouts the cute way she always does, “is my strong girl crying? Did you get hurt?”

She quickly calms her daughter down my making faces and tickling her. It isn’t long after that Poppy eventually breaks into a laugh.

Kun and I watch the parents in astonishment, "they're good."

"Dude, I don't think we could ever do that."

Kun raises a brow, "Hey, we're gonna be great parents." He says placing a hand on my otherwise flat stomach, “we kinda don’t have a choice.”

I shake my head, "maybe you will be, but I don't know about me."

"Ya, like I said, I’ll be here for you, both of you, alright?"

I finally break my gaze away from Jaemin and Sana and turn back to Kun, giving him a peck on his lips. He pulls me into a quick embrace and stands, “come on, I have something to show you.”

Kun leads me inside the restaurant and brings me to a bulletin board with seemingly endless pictures and notes stuck on them. He points at a picture by the top of the board, “can you tell me who that is?”

I cover my mouth and instantly feel tears run down my face.

Kun chuckles softly and pulls me in close, kissing me on the cheek, “you told me you haven’t been here before.”

“I told that to Haechan too,” I mutter, “oh gosh. I had completely forgotten about it.”  I lean in to the picture, “look at how young I look.”

Kun laughs, “you’re acting like you’re 80.”

“WIth all the stress you put on my back, I feel like I am.”

Kun snorts, combing my hair and kissing my neck, “I won’t apologize for doing a good job, babe.”

We hear someone call for all the guests to come over, as Sana and Jaemin will finally be announcing what everyone came here for. We join the rest of the people in the party as Jaemin gets taught by a restaurant employee how to pop the party poppers.

We make a face at Jaemin’s confused face.

Kun shakes his head and whispers in my ear, “moron.” I laugh as Kun calls, “ask it the meaning of life?”

Jaemin gives Kun a knowing look as he brings the party popper close to his face, “YA! DON’T MESS THIS UP FOR ME!”

Everyone laughs, Sana especially practically beams.

We count down:

3

2

1

Jaemin turns to his wife, “ready?”

Sana nods and covers her ears, lips still curved into a smile.

Jaemin pops the confetti and a wave of pink bursts into the air. Sana giggles as she removes her hands from her ears and places her palms on her husband's face, giving him a kiss.

Jaemin picks up her daughter and bring her close to her mom, "you're going to have a sister!"

Poppy cheers, "YAY!!!!"

Kun and I cheer. Kun kisses my cheek, “that’s gonna be us soon.”

I turn to him and make a face, ”ew.”

He shakes his head and gives me another kiss.

[jellyluchi]

Sid, congratulations on the milestone!! ❤️🎉🎊

If it's not too late, can I request a scenario/hc with a reader-insert? Either sfw/nsfw. It goes somewhere along the lines of Pros surviving after the train incident and leaves the mafia life behind to finally settle down with someone. He gets a peaceful life, albeit a little disgruntled making a compromise for it (but he does get used to it!) since he's a house husband now and his wife is the provider - who's not good at handling household responsibilities (e.g. cooking, cleaning, etc.).

Basically I'm all in for this guy getting a happy ending and am overly fond of male wife!Pros because he'd probably be a great one lol.

A/N: Pen!! Thank you for requesting!! AHHH you're already activating my trap card with House Husband!Pros ✨_✨ my domestic senses are tingling...This is sfw but I will do the nsfw version some day bc this man deserves to be taken over the counter after he's done cooking a meal. Thank you for your patience!!!

House Husband!Prosciutto x spouce!Reader; “Softly”

— warnings: none

— genre: fluff

— Word count: 1.1k

Leaving the mafia is no easy business. For someone who used to instruct others on the lifestyle of the perfect mafiosi, Prosciutto made quick work to move on. It obviously wasn’t his dream job. His aspirations had long been torn to shreds when his loyalty to Passione was established. He enjoyed the profits for what it was worth but his heart lay somewhere else, with you. Ever since your presence made itself known in his life, he wanted nothing more than to hide away and take you with him, his safe haven.

The thought proved to be difficult to make into reality. You were, and still are, a simple civilian who happened upon him by happenstance. Sometimes Prosciutto thought you two were never supposed to meet given how far removed you are from mafia life. However, he considered you his beacon of hope, a ray of sunshine leading him to the end of the tunnel. He promised himself he would survive for your sake.

And survive he did. His bloodied remains on the train track were rescued in the nick of time. It’s an understatement to say you were surprised. While you knew the nature of his work, it never occurred to you how close he was to death’s door. It made both of you cherish each other’s presence all the more.

Had some bastard told this man 5-6 years ago that he would be a 'house husband' he'd have slapped them across the face for looking down on him. It's ironic that now the most adrenaline he experiences is from bargaining with the local vendors or trying to get free coupons. He understands his mistake now, looking down on house spouses all those years ago was born from ignorance. Grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, baking, they are no easy tasks.

He ponders his current lifestyle silently. Some classic Italian pop song from the 80s plays on the radio on the countertop where his floured dough rests. Prosciutto never considered himself a baker. He thought his hands were too bloody for something so refined. The softness of the dough akin to the flesh he once held before turning it cold and pruned. Now he marvels at browned bread, having given it life through his hard kneading.

The clang of his metal arm meeting the counter-top makes him click his tongue. He thinks about touching the dough with his prosthetic, feeling it but also not. The sense of touch has always been quite personal to him and he remembers the way he used to hold his comrades to give them a pep talk, how he used to age enemies faster. The thought is quickly abandoned as he realizes he would have to clean the thing of sticky dough if he did.

The silent click-clack of a pair of keys and ‘darling, I’m home!’ alerts Prosciutto from his stupor. He leaves the dough inside the bowl before covering it. He sometimes wishes he could age it to it’s proven state.

You find your dear husband in the kitchen, in his usual sweats and t-shirt. “Welcome home dear,” his voice is as soothing as you remember. Nothing keeps you going like the thought of coming home to his embrace.

Ever the traditional man, he must give you a kiss upon arrival every single day. It’s not like you’re complaining.

You notice the resting dough when you embrace him. “Pizza?” and he nods at your inquiry. “Margherita. Your favorite.” and he delights in your small burst of excitement. Being a house husband has washed the harsh edges off of Prosciutto’s body. If he was drowning before, he’s now surfaced and made a life on the beach with you.

He takes your jacket, gently, and places it on the rack where it can always be found. Your shoes which never stray from it’s spot near the front door, your keys that never leave its decorative bowl. Prosciutto spent too much of his life running after disappearing things, cruel magic tricks that bring more gloom than entertainment. Your belongings remind him you’re going nowhere, he has no one to chase, he can rest.

“Would you like me to run a bath for you?” he asks you quietly while washing his hand at the sink.

“That’s alright, I’ll freshen up quickly. Besides, it’s too cold tonight.” As you leave for your room, your husband readies the other ingredients for dinner. He used to memorize lists of names but now they’ve been replaced by grocery lists. When he thinks about it, there wasn’t much of a difference, Passione had a peculiar code naming system.

Even if he’d never admit it, Prosciutto was once nervous about life with his prosthetics. He thought he’d never be able to make your favorites, or even go on date nights with you. But he quickly realized his fears were born of a privilege that comes from a life where he’s not expecting to die the next day. And if there is one thing he can do, it’s persevere to make life comfortable for you. You who pays for his living, you who takes care of him and you who loves him despite the ghosts that haunt him, you who kneaded his harsh planes into soft edges.

He’s almost done chopping the veggies when you come back downstairs. “Can I help?” he always makes you feel a bit bashful. You don’t miss the smirk on his sharp lips even if he tries to mask it.

He hands you the mozzarella along with a knife, knowing you would fumble over your fingers with anything else. When you two first met, he wondered how you were able to waddle your way through life. Where he was methodical you were clumsy where he was routinely you were spontaneous. Sometimes he thinks it’s only fitting that he should be the house husband of the messiest person on the planet. It gives him a home to worry about and mundane experiences to look forward to.

You’ve never seen someone do house chores so eagerly and professionally and you think about his journey from taking lives to making homes. The unspoken ways in which he thought his hands could do no good during moments of uncharacteristic self-doubt always made you remind him of all the times his hands have done more good than harm. Like when he grew flowers in the garden, or when he decorated for your birthday, when he fixed your tattered clothes and put back together your broken heart.

“What would I do without you?” you ask when he pushes the pizza into the oven. You snack on some biscotti in the meantime. He would scold you for spoiling your own dinner but he knows you’re quite famished.

“Burn this kitchen down, no doubt,” he jokes. You laugh heartily and he silently thanks his fate for not taking away his hearing on that fateful trip to Firenze.