#and although i’m not super certain what i want to do at uni

[the-irrelevant-trumpeter]

ugh i hate being in year 12 and having to think about what subjects to drop or pick up and what i want to do at uni

[not-supernatural]

can i ask what makes u feel like watching spn?

like what mood can u be in knowing that it's mostly a dead end and mostly wasted potential. what i'm asking is, what is the motivation and is there a light at the end of the tunnel for u? do u prioritise other media and (i know u r a well read uni student so no offense) do u ever rate it against spn?

-very sorry for the annoying Qs anon

um, i watch supernatural when i want to procrastinate but not hard enough to forget what i was supposed to be doing. or when i wake up for uni at 4am and sit drinking coffee the only thing to do really is watch supernatural because it’s not super sensational or engaging it’s perfect for 4am. i don’t watch it intent on binging it, sometimes i just wanna hang out there for 45 minutes. no light at the end of the tunnel although i look forward to certain things. i don’t compare it to other media because it’s supernatural after all. and i focus on so many different things when i watch i’m not there strictly for the plot

[bvannn]

Weekly Update January 26, 2024

I am still very sick. I just took my second increased dose of the medicine, hoping it will help. Whatever stomach issue I was having a bit ago appears to have returned as well, or it could be more side effects from the surgery. Or something else. I don’t know. I tried fasting on Wednesday and felt physically better but also guilty, and I don’t want to keep doing it because I know it’s dangerous. I’m still a healthy weight for my height so I can probably get away with doing it like, once a week, but I don’t want to accidentally lose too much weight either because I’m already a 22 year old adult who buys clothes in the kids section I don’t need to be any smaller. I’ll figure it out, I’m trying to focus what I am eating on fruits and nuts, hoping it’ll detox me a bit.

I did a couple drawings this week. Kinda. The one I posted was actually sketched back before the surgery I just hadn’t digitized it yet. I only posted the one drawing because I want to hold on to the other for a bit because it’s part of that epithet prompt set I made. I’m fully not expecting to do every one of those prompts, but I figured hey since I missed a few I can do a batch of the missed prompts and release them at once. I sketched the one for this week and planned on finishing it on Wednesday but I got sick again. Once I’m feeling better I’ll try to focus more on drawings. I think I gotta scrap the big animation project I was working on due to circumstances beyond my control, which sucks but theoretically I can try other animation things too. I’ve been sitting on an idea for a short Detective Conan animation, maybe I’ll do that. Or maybe I’ll stay sick. Idk. I kinda want to figure out how I would animate Shaun, since he’s a ghost so I’d have to deal with both transparency and glow effects, plus certain aspects of his design that were meant to be more flowy, like his shirt-tail-thing. I could poke after effects again but it seems a lot more tedious than I had hoped.

I did review over comic stuff this week too, although I haven’t made any progress since I really started getting the surgery after effects. I like how it’s flowing for the most part, but I’m probably going to have to do second drafts of a few pages. Kinda sucks that everything feels so rushed, since I want to fit the whole introductory chapter into ~32 pages, which I’m totally able to do but I have to hold off on some little dialogue exposition conversations that I think people would like. Any story with ghosts is going to have people wanting to fully understand how the ghosts physically work, especially when it becomes relevant, but some of that can be put off until later because character moments are more important. Whatever, I can always keep going.

I feel super bad about not being able to do anything but I’m still so screwed up. I want to take another stab at music, and maybe I will, but I need to sit upright to play piano which screws with my stomach, and in order to pick out VSTs I want on a song I need to be able to have a midi that resembles what the final will sound like and I need to be in the headspace to listen to music without going into sensory overload. I’m pretty sure all of this is sleep related, I have the weekend to hopefully catch up on sleep, but I need to do some homework as well. And I need to stop waking up in the middle of the night. I’m afraid to double dose on sleep medicine because even though I know it’s safe after 6 or so hours, I don’t want to be reliant on sleep medicine because that’s how Michael Jackson died. Might have to wait for my surgery bs to subside before I can try to detox though.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I feel awful, I feel like my insides are rotting, but I know they’re not since I’m not in pain from it (or at least not enough pain to really believe that). Plus surgeon looked at me before I moved back to Uni and seemed really impressed with how quickly I was healing. Even though I probably disobeyed her ‘don’t lift more than 20 pounds’ rule. Like a lot. I did feel better this week than I did last, so I’m hoping I can bounce back pretty quick. I’ll give it another week or two before I ask my primary if I need another medicine. I’m hesitant right now because both she and the surgeon seemed to agree beforehand that I wouldn’t, and I want to trust them. I don’t know. Time providing I’ll try to do more drawings this week.

[vireeza09]

I’ve always loved music eversince I was a kid and have always been fascinated with concerts of artists and bands I watched online. I told myself that when I am already earning, I would definitely watch my faves. I got employed in the year 2012 and year 2013, I was able to watch 2 concerts. (I did blog about those. You can just scroll through my page 😅) Paramore and The Script were the first ones. And mind you, being a first timer back then, I got scammed twice. So much for being desperate! Hahahaha!

Life happened in the following years - got busy with work and love life? 😬 Yikes! Lol. And eventually with raising my daughter. Although I already have priorities, I figured that I should still have time for myself and enjoy once in a while. Right?! 😜

December of 2019, I was able to secure tickets to Avril Lavigne’s concert and early 2020, got seats for Boys Like Girls and Alanis Morisette’s concerts, too. But the pandemic happened and all shows got postponed obviously.

Fast forward to 2022, Alanis’ concert got cancelled and Avril’s got postponed yet again.

Since the world has already started coping up to the new normal, concerts opened their doors again.

September: The Script

Birth month! And what better way to celebrate it? Watch a concert! 🙌🏻 2nd time for this band. I remember in 2013, we came in late for the concert because of the scam I mentioned. Lol. We were too far to really see them.

This time, we were not able to score the best seats but with a certain stroke of luck, the band sang 2 songs just beside us in the audience. How cool was that? We were like shouting OMG the whole time! They were at arm’s reach, and if not for the stern look of the marshalls, we would have already thrown ourselves at them. Hahahaha! I was kinda sad though that they didn’t sing my fave song. I even shouted for them to sing it but I was heartbroken. But I did enjoy the concert, singing along with the crowd and most especially because I was with my constants. 🥰❤️

October: Boys Like Girls

Their songs brings back memories of jeepney rides to and from uni/duty. When smartphones were not that popular and new songs were heard first through the radio (Thank you, KillerBee!) I remember printing out the lyrics of their songs (in a long bond paper, in small font size, and in 5 columns. Hahaha!) just so I can jam along at home. Lol. The concert was postponed for 2 years, but was finally able to watch them live. 🥰❤️

The venue was not that big compared to regular concerts I’ve been to, but it made the band interact to the audience more. 🥰 I even had PCD for about a month. Lol. For the last song, “Love Drunk”, Martin had the audience keep our phones and just jam along just like the old times. It was very special. 🥹❤️

December: Eraserheads

I was not supposed to watch them because I am not really a super fan. I only know my favorites.😅 But my dear friend who’ve always wanted to watch their concert convinced me. More on nagpapilit pala ako. Hahaha! And it’s Eraserheads! Who would say no, right? You will never know when the next concert would be. 😉

Tickets were priced way too high and yet the ones we got were not the best ones. We thought that being there would just be fine. We will just enjoy the experience. But last minute, we took a risk, very desperate to get better tix and voila, upgraded to Moshpit! 🥹🥰❤️

So happy to sing along with the crowd. 🥰 Indeed a memorable experience for an open-ground concert. A first for me.☺️ “Ang Huling El Bimbo” really hit different. And towards the end of the song, there’s fireworks to cap the night off.

*Middle photo of the 2nd collage not mine. ctto. 😊

As the saying goes, “Do what makes you happy.” I’m doing mine. 🥰 Already 2 concerts coming right up in 2023! Waiting for when Avril will push through, Paramore to come back again, and of course, the one and only Taylor Swift. ☺️❤️

Thank you, 2022! 🥰❤️

[unravellinginyourarms]

Cold Feet

Wednesday, 12.07.22 at 12:47pm

I’ve encountered an obstacle that I was hoping to avoid all together. I got cold feet. A few days ago, I told a dear friend of mine that I was in love with him. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to say. I was elated and my mind raced with various fantasies. But now that the high has died down, I can’t help but find myself wanting to revoke my previous statement. Was it really just an impulsive thing to say? Did I say it to feel less lonely? Am I inadvertently hurting someone I love because I am bored? I don’t want to confront these questions because they make me feel like a shitty person. I don’t want to view myself as someone who would do that, but then why does everything feel dull and insignificant again? Why am I unable to view him in the same light I did that night? Is there something totally fucked up about my brain? Probably. 

One thing I can say for certain, I love him (Stephan). However, now I don’t know if I’m “in love” with him. I feel normal again, as if I never said anything significant a few days ago. Also, I tried viewing his aroused advances as something that I should find appealing but now that I’m thinking about it, anything that has a sexual undertone just turns me off completely. 

For the last few weeks, I had been watching a lot of shoujo anime, because I like breaking my own heart. SO WHAT??!?! Anyways, the more I thought about the characters and what kind of partner I would want, the more I thought about Stephan. When I imagine it, it seems like we’d actually have a really good life together but then the longer I think about it, the longer I look at his face, the more I wonder if this is actually what I would want to settle down for. That sounds awful but, it’s a realistic thought to have. Although we have lovely chemistry and our friendship story is super CUTE, I don’t know if that is enough to actually stir up genuine and lasting feelings in me. It seems like nothing lasts. I am constantly waiting for the day when something really grabs my attention and holds me by the collar of my shirt, as I float just centimetres off of the ground. 

This fucking sucks. I am worried that if I ever tell Stephan that I got cold feet then he’d be hurt and probably assume that I was lying. Honestly, I didn’t lie in that moment. I meant what I said. It’s true that I resented him for going home after he graduated from uni. It’s true that I hated when our time together would end, because I would miss him. There are many things I wanted to do with him, there are many moment that I wish he was here to witness. I wish he was more accessible than he is right now. I would’ve loved calling him in the middle of the night, coming over and crying about whatever is eating me up that day. But I can’t do those things and it sucks. 

Missing him sucks. I hate that feeling. I hate admitting that I feel that way, it brings me a sense of shame for some reason. I didn’t have any issue telling Stephan that though, he handles everything well. I really value the fact that he can take anything I say with a great deal of humour and appreciation. I never feel judged by him, and he assures me that I look beautiful all the time. As much as I want to call him out on his “bullshit”, I know that he isn’t lying. He genuinely sees me that way, and for that, I am grateful.

Another thing that appealed to me about being with Stephan is the potential to learn Korean and visit Korea or Japan. He’s from Seoul and it would be awesome to get a tour. He’s also from Vancouver so I would really love to travel and see the place where he grew up.

Is that something that adds to how you love a person or is that just ways of thinking to use someone? I’m hoping it’s the former in this case. I am so fucking confused, I feel like I fucked everything up by saying something really extreme without really taking the time to contemplate it a bit further, when I was in a less emotional state. 

- Isla

[xlbrh]

Genshin Impact - First Kiss Scenarios

notes : okay okay this is a super cute request!! also thankyou so much for the love and support - i hope that you enjoy!!

gosh uni is starting again for me next week so updates may not be as frequent, but ill try my best to keep on top of them!

Genshin Masterlist

warnings : none

format : bulleted, headcanons, scenarios, fluff

pairings : diluc x gn! reader, xiao x gn! reader, albedo x gn! reader

word count : 1581

everything under the cut-

Diluc:

our sweetheart darknight hero

he’s not against affection, but he’s definitely a more private person

he would prefer most things to be kept to just you two, behind closed doors

that doesn’t mean certain nosy people *cough venti and kaeya cough* would refrain from asking him all the ins and outs of his personal life

one time kaeya would be asking away as usual, and that’s when he’d notice

‘damn, we haven’t kissed yet, huh?’

he would be sO CLUELESS up till then i swear

chances are he’d act on it a night after you both leave the angel’s share, as he accompanies you home

thankfully this one particular night there are no threats that would take his mind off of you

After checking up on business at the Angel’s Share and leaving the rest of the night to Charles, Diluc offers you a hand as he guides you away from the boisterous shouting and singing. His hand would fully envelop yours, providing a small sense of warmth in the otherwise rather chilly night. Thanks to it being rather late at night, the streets of Mondstadt remain somewhat barren, aside from the occasional drunk man stumbling around or the meowing of some of the neighbourhood cats you sometimes hear.

“Ah! Well, here we are then,”

You’d both arrived at the doorstep to your house, briefly releasing Diluc’s hand so that you could find your keys in your pockets.

“Are these what you’re looking for, love?”

You turned around to see your keys twirling around Diluc’s finger – the look in his eyes is one of amusement as a small smirk appears on his lips.

“Next time, be careful where you put them. Leaving on the bar top probably isn’t the best idea.”

A light blush crosses your face in embarrassment as you look away, Diluc moving around you to unlock your front door himself. Before you go to step inside he grabbed your wrist, his grip firm but soft. One hand worked it’s way up to your chin, tilting it so that your eyes would connect with one another. Diluc stared into your eyes for a moment before glancing down to your lips, where his gaze momentarily lingered.

“…May I?” Although his voice was deeper, it didn’t hold the usual strength – a subtle display of vulnerability in front of you. Moonlight shone down onto his pale face, displaying the sheer redness that lay across his cheeks.

“Of course..”

In an instant he connected his lips with your own, a little more forcefully than he probably would have liked, but by no means were you complaining. One of his hands held the back of your head to guide you delicately into the kiss, the other choosing to settle on your hip. Your own arms made their way to wrap around his neck, playing with his hair that fell down his back.  

He pulled away with a small smile on his face, one hand cupping your face while his thumb stroked against your cheek.

“Well, are you going to invite me inside or shall we stay out here, hmm?”

Xiao:

it would take xiao a very long time to properly warm up to any type of physical affection

but kiSSING???

this poor man gets embarrassed just thinking about it

to be honest it would take a while for it to cross his mind

one day he’d just be looking out at liyue and see a young couple share a short and sweet kiss

and then it would register – wait, i haven’t done that yet

he would have to psyche himself up for it big time, it wouldn’t be something just out of nowhere

most likely he would invite you to meet him privately – maybe a cliff top or the wangshu balcony where you find him mostly

it would be nighttime, with the stars lighting up the midnight sky

“You should have seen me fighting the hilichurls earlier! There was one that was exceptionally tough and…”

Xiao drowned out your voice from beside him in his own thoughts. He had asked you how your day had gone as a means of distraction while he tried to compose and prepare himself for what he had planned.

“-and then some treasure hoarders showed up out of nowhere and-!”

“Hey, (Y/N), can you close your eyes for a second?”

He cut you off mid sentence, unable to keep himself waiting any longer. You turned to him with a hint of confusion evident in your eyes before replying.  

“Ummm, okay then..? What’s going on, Xiao?”

He ignored the question as you did as he asked. Xiao’s nerves were rising through the roof as he approached you and turned you around to face him properly, his hands lingering on your arms gently. Slowly, they worked their way up to your shoulders, with one resting lightly on your next. At this point you began to get flustered yourself – it wasn’t like Xiao to initiate this sort of contact.  

“H-Hey.. what are you doing..?”

Both of his hands trailed up to cup your cheeks, tilting your head so that if your eyes were open, they would be staring directly into his. A light blush had adorned your face, not that the same couldn’t be said for his face. Xiao took a deep breath before leaning forward and connecting his lips with yours. With this you let out a small gasp – was this really happening right now? His touch was gentle, almost hesitant, and it didn’t take long before you melted into the kiss. One of his hands left your face, allowing for his arm to wrap gently around your waist while your own hands rested atop his chest, clutching at his shirt.

After a short while you both pulled away, equally nervous about what had just occurred. Xiao allowed his forehead to rest against your own, before finally speaking.

“You really don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

Albedo:

hmm hmm now this one is interesting

he’s probably slightly more comfortable with affection than xiao is

but that by no means makes him less flustered about it

although most people think he would probably think about this for a while before actually going ahead with it

i like to think this would be something quite spontaneous for him

sure, he’d probably do a little bit of, ahem, ‘research’ about it

he’d for sure ask either lisa and kaeya for some advice - don’t question me

but all in all it wouldn’t be something he necessarily plans out

chances are it would happen when you’re assisting him with his research in his office

he would have asked you to do a couple small jobs before him – with you both waiting to observe the results of his latest experiment

You opened the door to Albedo’s office, a large stack of books balanced between your arms. He had asked you to see if Lisa had any books related to his current experiment. You didn’t really have any idea what alchemical nonsense he was up to now, but if it made him happy then you were more than willing to help out every so often.

His gaze moved up from the vial in his hand to your form, a small smile formed on his face as he placed the vial down in a stand and strode over to you to help.

“Welcome back (Y/N). Judging from this amount of books, I imagine you managed to find what I was looking for?”

He took the books out of your arms with ease, your back finally relieved of the excess weight you’d been carrying.

“Mhmm, they should all be here. It took me a while to find them all, but I got there in the end,”

Albedo placed the books atop his desk, turning round to face you after you’d followed him over. With him being so observant, he noticed the slight tremors coursing through your arms, clearly from the strain of his task for you. Despite that you had the brightest smile on, the usual peaceful aura surrounding you that he loved to relish in.

“You know you can tell me when things are a bit too much to do at once.. right?”

His voice held concern that you’d only heard on a few occasions, although you tried your best not to worry him. Out of embarrassment you turned away, your face burning to the point where it could put a pyro vision to shame. A light laugh resonated from his direction – usually you’d laugh along with him but this time it just made you all the more flustered. So much so you didn’t notice a hand of his reaching up to the top of your head, patting it affectionately.

“Nonetheless I’m always grateful for what you do, so thank you,”

The hand on your head moved down to your cheek as he took a step forward and turned your head so that you were facing him, capturing your lips with his own. The surprise of the moment caused you to take a step back, your body hitting the desk he previously placed the books on to. When you came to your senses you found yourself melting into the kiss, one hand resting on his chest while the other lay on the desk, intertwined with his other hand.

The moment didn’t last for too long before he pulled away, placing a final kiss onto your forehead.

“Now.. let’s get back to work, shall we?”

[causticsunshine]

i was tagged by both the lovely @dyingstars-x and @harrymegirlfriend to answer twenty questions about myself! this was a lot more candid than i anticipated but here we go~

💗what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

alex!

💗when is your birthday?

july 21st! cancer season baybee

💗where do you live?

in the US! i've been in the pacific northwest for about eight years but i'm definitely still a californian at heart

💗three things you’re doing right now?

1. jobhunting 2. trying to open my online shop 3. attempting™️ to finish deadline stuff and this HSLOT drawing i've been working on since saturday 🤞🤞

💗four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

i go through little phases where i have my one big primary interest—one dee since returning to it last summer—that sticks around for awhile and then some smaller, less involved ones that tend to come and go, so i'd say right now the only other 'fandom' i'm kinda in is for MDZ/the untamed/cql, even though i'm a very late member to the party!

💗how is the pandemic treating you?

okay i guess? i'd really like to be moved out already as being in therapy and gaining confidence since my big mental breakdown last fall—accompanied with quitting my job of nearly four years that didn't get me anywhere in life—i've realized how many unhealthy behaviors and mindsets are perpetuated in my household and how they're....really not good for me at all. but i also know i can't get to the place i'd like to be mentally and emotionally without moving out, i also can't move out until i find a 9-5 with bennies with all my health problems + me losing my insurance in the new year so it's been....a time.

buuuut besides the soul crushing terror of being an adult living at home with people who don't understand you, i'm confident now and a lot of my mindsets have changed to healthier ones and i've regained my love of art and being creative?

💗song you can’t stop listening to right now?

it's a combination of 'i wish i never met you' by loote, 'crowd' by sophie cates, and...... 'stay' by the kid laroi + justin bieber (although i think that one's just an earworm i need to work out lmao)

💗recommend a movie

i just got to rewatch 'cowboy bebop: the movie' and it's sooo fun....(spoilers) i know the ending of the anime is supposed to be purposefully open as it just covers a section of time in the characters' lives where they're all together but i kinda wish i'd watched the movie after as opposed to when it takes place because it's a little bit...of a nicer (and much clearer) wrap up!

💗how old are you?

twenty five 🧓

💗school, university, occupation, other?

currently jobhunting for a Boring grown up job just for some regularity and insurance (and $$ to get my ass OUT) but i want to take on freelance commission work again too! i dropped out of uni in like 2018 because the school i was going to kept fucking me over with credits just to get my associate's but maybe i'll go back one day.....maybe.....

💗do you prefer hot or cold?

HOT only because it's so gd cold and wet where i live now and even when the summers are warm they're super short and don't compensate for the months i spend not moving out of arthritis pain and freezing my ass off

💗name one fact others may not know about you.

i always come up with fun ones when i don't have any reason to share them lmao but i guess.....staying on-brand with 1d stuff, and i might've said this before, but louis gave me my first bout of gender envy that i recognized as actual gender envy when i was like, fifteen? and as i was coming out of my obvious emo phase into one more subdued, i totally dressed like twink louis for almost a year....haircut and everything....

if i can find the one photo i'm thinking of i'll post it but until then use your imagination sjkgdf

💗are you shy?

i can be? i think once i vibe with someone enough it becomes easy to talk to and open up to them but before that i can be pretty closed off and a bit impersonal.

💗do you have any preferred pronouns?

they/them!

💗any pet peeves?

i'm one of those 'people talking or random noise being made near me while i'm trying to concentrate on something fuels my murder response out of nowhere' people but otherwise...outside of common courtesy/manners stuff being ignore, i don't think so? although i genuinely hate when people walk right behind me or right in front of me...shit makes me anxious and ticks me off dfjkngdf i got shit to do!!

💗what’s your favourite “dere” type?

am i boring if i say tsundere just because it's relatable? although dorodere is kinda fun in the right setting....i love a good character twist!

💗rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

i'd say a 5? there's a lot more i want to do and achieve and things i know i could have right now if my ADHD and anxiety didn't still have such a death grip on me but i'm also in the best headspace i've been in in years so i'll take that as a win!

💗what’s your main blog?

this one!

💗list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

swmpwxtch is my art-only blog because i'm slow at finishing things and know there's no point trying to make this an 'art blog' when i reblog so much, and then prickelndauge is my insp blog (so if you're wondering why there's a startling lack of fashion and art on this blog, it's mostly over there!), then i have one for creepy/spooky stuff (bonepickng) because i know not a lot of people want to see that on main, aaaaand am-ref a ref blog for art tips, life things, donation pools, etc.! (and some old urls i have saved)

💗is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

at the risk of sounding like a YA protagonist: my heart is full of love and i try to be as understanding and open as i can be but i also have a very short bullshit fuse, so while i'm still happily understanding of certain behaviors and mindsets, if you cross the line that i put very bluntly in the sand, you're not crossing back over.

(ie i love my friends but don't be a dick and if you are you get one warning and that's all <3)

uhhh i know a lot of people got tagged already and have done this so! i'll be tagging @grimmpitch @hershelsue @niallnailme @dragmedown @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk @justmehernthemoon @non-binharry @genius0flove @mamaharry @theymetinthetoihlet @saintqueer and uhhh anyone else that would like to!! and if you've done this already please ignore me~

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 32

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: At Waystation (again) and a bit elsewhere too

A/N: We're (finally) getting closer to the end of the 'Waystation arc'. I don't think I have that much to say about this chapter, but I'd like to dedicate it to Cecid as a late birthday present, because she has really kicked my butt to continue this story!

Enjoy, and let me know what you think!! It's super important (<- Lizzie Bennet Diaries reference)

(Ps. Fellow Europeans, vote for Finland in ESC!!!)

Words: 2950

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / AO3

...

The silence that fell into the room after Leo stormed out got more and more overwhelming until finally, Calypso couldn’t take it anymore. She could feel the two women and their daughter stare at her, but they were too astounded to say anything.

“I… I don’t understand what I did wrong,” Calypso mumbled eventually. “They were just matches. I didn’t mean that he should use them immediately; it was just my way of trying to tell him that I believe he can get over his fear one day.”

The women exchanged dark looks.

“Georgie, could you play with Festus outside for a moment? He looked like he needed to burn some energy,” Emmie suggested, wanting to get the girl out of the hearing distance.

“Ugh, fine,” Georgie pouted because she would have preferred admiring her gifts, but left anyway.

Once she was gone, Jo sighed. “About what just happened… you did nothing wrong, Calypso. It’s just…” She stopped to contemplate her next words. “Christmas is always a hard time for Leo. He tries his best to participate and make his jokes and all that, but his eyes betray him. He’s just… not there.”

“I want to understand…” Calypso stepped closer to Leo’s mothers. “Did something happen to him on some Christmas?”

“Yes, you could say that,” Emmie replied sadly. “Leo’s mother died on Christmas day several years ago.”

Calypso’s eyes widened as she understood what Emmie was trying to say.

“Oh gods… And she died in a fire, right? He did mention it once… No wonder he didn’t want to touch the matches, especially today.”

“Yes,” Emmie confirmed. “She did die in a fire. But there’s more to it. Leo probably wouldn’t want me to tell you this but in this situation it might be better that you know: he blames himself for the fire.”

“I probably shouldn’t ask, but… why?” Calypso asked, feeling more sickened every moment as she pictured a young boy mourning his mother and his home. “What happened?”

“We have only gotten some bits and pieces from here and there, but it seems the fire most likely started from some papers he had left near a fireplace. Accidentally, of course, but he doesn’t see it that way,” Jo sniffed. Suddenly Calypso realized that Leo’s pain must have hurt his family more than he probably even realized. They really cared about him a lot… She couldn’t help but feel just a tiny bit jealous because at least Leo had people supporting him. But she quickly pushed that unnecessary thought aside.

“That’s awful… I guess he’s afraid that he might accidentally make something like that happen again and that’s why he doesn’t want fire near him.” Calypso knew the fear of hurting someone she cared about and the guilt all too well. She would never forget the flashing lights and the loud crash that followed. Her nightmares made sure of that.

“Yes, it’s likely he feels that way. Since he moved here, he’s been seeing a therapist every once in a while but it’s clear he’s still a work in progress. He doesn’t talk about his mother a lot to us either. Just when we ask something general, and even then the answers are usually quite short.”

Bitterly, Calypso thought that was how she acted when someone brought up her family.

“I realize now that the matches were a big mistake,” she finally said. “I wish there was something I could do… I hate just watching helplessly when someone I… um...” She stopped mid sentence when she realized what she was about to reveal too much.

“Just be there for him,” Emmie suggested, luckily ignoring Calypso’s stuttering. “Despite everything, I think he’s still shown good progress the past few months. Sometimes time and patience and care can do amazing things.”

“Yeah. I think you are right there.” Calypso agreed. She herself had asked her friends, including Leo, to be patient with her as well. It was only fair she’d do the same with him.

“And Calypso?” Emmie eyed her worriedly. “Remember to take care of yourself as well.”

Calypso didn’t understand how the woman had seen through her that well. There was no way she could know what was going on in her mind because she hadn’t told even Leo everything. And Emmie and she had only known each other for a couple of days so far.

“I… sure. I will try my best!” she promised, instead of questioning Emmie’s comment.

“Good. I can’t say I know you all that well yet but know that people who are important to Leo are important to us.”

For a moment Calypso imagined what it would be like to have a mother like that. For some reason the thought made her emotional. “Thank you. You are so kind.”

“No, just doing what’s necessary. Now, I suggest you go and get dressed for the day and do what else you need to do; we might need some help with lunch soon. Besides, Georgie might need some supervision because she gets hyper when she eats too much chocolate. Funny how she and Leo are not biologically related but they still have a lot in common,” Emmie ended with a slightly amused remark.

Calypso did notice that she didn’t say anything about trying to find Leo, but she understood. He probably wanted to be on his own for a moment, and she’d respect that. Hopefully she’d get to talk to him eventually, but until then it was better to try to do something helpful rather than spend the whole day worrying. But even while she was doing her morning chores, she could still see Leo’s angry eyes when he saw her gift in her mind.

…

Leo didn’t know where he should go so he just followed his instinct. He didn’t want to hide inside; the pictures from his nightmare were still too fresh in his mind and he needed to be somewhere where he could breathe fresh air. As he was crossing the yard, Festus tried to follow him, and he wagged his tail cheerfully to make his favorite human happier, but this one time Leo didn’t want his company. He apologized to the dog and told him that he’d take him for a walk after getting his thoughts cleared.

He kept walking until finally, he reached a certain park where he and Jason used to jog often. Seeing a log bench on the side, he decided to sit down for a moment. Someone had made a campfire nearby earlier and Leo glared at the remaining ashes like they were the reason for all his troubles. He could feel the panic rise up his throat as he was reminded of the fire again, but he challenged himself to stay there for at least a moment. Finally, he sighed.

He knew he had totally overreacted to Calypso’s gift. Surely she had meant good but she didn’t know why fire and Christmas were not a good combination when it came to Leo. If he had just ignored the matches, nothing would have happened. Now he’d have to explain to her why he had freaked out like that and that wouldn’t be easy.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been staring into nothing when he suddenly felt a knock on his shoulder. Having not heard anyone arrive, he startled at the touch, but quickly recovered when he recognized the newcomer.

“Pipes! What brings you here?” he exclaimed, briefly noticing that her brown hair was now shorter than it had used to be and somehow her whole demeanor seemed a bit different. He attempted to put on a smile for her but he knew he was probably failing.

“Funny, I was gonna ask you the same question,” Piper noted, sitting down next to Leo. “I thought you would be at Waystation with your family. It’s Christmas day, after all.”

“Oh, yeah, I was there.” Piper raised her eyebrow so he quickly added: “You know me; this holiday and I don’t exactly walk hand in hand so I needed to get out for a moment.” Leo hoped that would be a sufficient explanation. She did know what had happened to his mother, even if not to the full extent.

“But Calypso was there with you. I thought that would cheer you up,” Piper pointed out.

“Funny you should say that,” Leo chuckled, although there was nothing amusing about the situation. “If you wanna know the truth, I’m kind of trying to escape from her right now.”

“You’re trying to escape…” Piper repeated with confusion. “Why? What happened? I thought things were going fine between you two. Especially after what happened after the party…”

“Not everything is how it looks to outsiders, Pipes,” Leo stopped her. “Things haven’t been amazing lately. I mean, in many ways. Yeah, I like her and somehow she also likes me, apparently. Yeah, I know, pretty unbelievable.”

Piper gave him her best ‘wow, you’re really breaking the news there, Leo’ look. He didn’t get disheartened, though, instead continuing: “But we have, um, decided that we shouldn’t get together for various reasons so we’ve been trying to find some kind of a golden mean where we can still continue being friends but it hasn’t been working out that well. One sec we are at each other's' throats for whatever stupid reason, and the next we’re acting all flirty and ignoring the rules we set. I was hoping that this Waystation visit would give us a chance to get to know each other better in an environment where we have others around us… And I think it was actually working for a while. I feel more comfortable there, and I think she was feeling more comfortable too… But today I went and messed things up again.”

“What did you do?” Piper sighed disapprovingly.

“I may or may not have gotten mad about her Christmas present,” Leo confessed finally, cringing because he realized how bad it sounded.

“Oh, Leo…” Piper shook her head. “Why would you get mad about something like that? You’re not usually someone who’d get mad that easily.”

“Yeah… I know I’m not, but… I had a pretty rough day to begin with. Not that that’s anything new to me, but…”

“But what?” Piper inquired.

“I saw a nightmare about my mom’s death right before I woke up. I was still kinda on the edge when we were opening the presents so when I saw the matches…”

“She gave you matches?” Piper tilted her head slightly as she was trying to figure out what Leo was saying.

“Yeah,” Leo shrugged. “To be clear, though, they were only a part of the present. She had made me a real nice tool belt, probably way better than any of those that they sell in some stores. The matches were in one of the pockets. And now I can see you’re gonna say: ‘well, maybe she just wanted you to try to get over your fear’, and maybe you’re right, but the timing…”

“You have not told her about the anniversary,” Piper concluded. “I’m sure you have figured out by now that you can’t blame her for something she didn’t know about. That’s not fair.”

“I know that!” Leo exclaimed. “I’m not really blaming her; I just overreacted! But how will I explain that to her? ‘Sorry I yelled at you; I just happened to burn my entire house 11 years ago today so I’m not exactly fond of fire right now?’”

“You know what I’m thinking?” Piper interrupted Leo’s unhealthy thought process. He didn’t answer. “I think you two have some serious communication issues. I know that Calypso isn’t good at opening about her past, and she has also admitted to me she has a tendency to push people back if she’s afraid they’re getting too close to her. But guess what, Leo? You’re the same. I’ve noticed that even though you’re kind of loud sometimes and you like to tell bad jokes…”

“Hey!” Leo protested.

“Shh, let me finish. My point is, you don’t often tell us what you’re really thinking. When you’re having one of your rougher periods, you withdraw into your workshop for days. All I’m trying to say here is that please talk to us. Specifically, talk to her. When she notices that you trust her enough to talk about something that personal, she might open up to you more as well. If she really likes you, she’ll understand.”

“Beauty Queen, I hate it when you see through me that well,” Leo muttered. “I dunno. I guess I’ll have to talk to her when I go back. If my moms don’t murder me first.”

“Nah. They wouldn’t. I mean, you may not get any presents next Christmas but that’s a small price to pay when you stormed out like that,” Piper teased him.

“You sure know how to make a man regret his bad deeds.” Leo rolled his eyes. “Anyway, we’ve established why I’m here right now but what about you? Shouldn’t you be with Jason or something?” Suddenly Piper didn’t seem as determined to scold Leo anymore.

“I… Jason and I are having a break.”

“A break? As in…?” Leo asked with confusion.

“As in a break,” Piper repeated more firmly. “What part of it you don’t understand? He and I are seeing if we are happier apart.”

Leo spent a moment taking the information in. “But I don’t get it. You guys have always been the most stable couple I’ve known. Why this kind of a decision all of a sudden?” He couldn’t say that he was entirely surprised by this piece of news after his talk with Jason before Christmas, but it still felt different to hear it from Piper. More final.

“I don’t think it’s all of a sudden. It’s been coming for a while now,” Piper confessed.

“Really? And you’re telling me only now?” Leo raised his eyebrow.

“It was something I needed to figure out on my own. Now, please don’t think I’ve just been playing with him, or something. I do love Jason. He’s my best friend. But… I’m starting to feel we’ve progressed too fast. That there’s a whole world out there for me to see that I missed because I was so busy getting together with Jason. I want to get to know who I am and where I really belong.”

“But… you have a house and everything together…” Leo said, suddenly feeling like a child whose parents were telling him they were breaking up, forgetting his own problems for a moment. “How are you gonna deal with that?”

“The plan is for now that we both keep living in our house until we make our final decision. I don’t want to go back to my dad and Jason would want to live with his dad even less. Of course it’s possible that we decide to continue our relationship, but if not, then we’re going to sell the house. But we are not rushing that. For now, we’re just trying to be friends, and not… exclusive.”

Leo was slightly relieved to hear that at least his best friends were still on speaking terms.

“Alright… if that’s what both of you want, then I’ll support it,” he said. “It’d suck to lose touch with either of you because of this.”

“Don’t worry,” Piper reassured him. “You won’t.” She ruffled his hair a little as if he was her little brother. “Everyone needs a Super-sized McShizzle in their lives, don’t they? It’d be pretty empty otherwise.”

Leo gave her a lopsided smile. “Glad you admitted that.”

“Anyway, enough about my boring relationship issues!” Piper decided to change the topic. “So, you told me Cal got you a tool belt and matches, but what did you give to her? It’s important, Leo.”

“You really think I’m gonna reveal it to you, Beauty Queen? I’m smarter than that,” Leo pointed out.

“I know what you did at our uni’s freshman party and I’m not afraid to tell it to Cal if I need to.” Piper winked at him in response.

Leo rolled his eyes. “Pshhh, that was freshman year. That excuses everything.”

“Alright, don’t tell me then.” Piper turned to leave.

“If you really must know,” Leo said before Piper got too far, “it was a jewelry box. With a bracelet in it. But it was not new so it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Piper asked with amusement. “You know things get serious when you give a girl a piece of jewelry.”

“Wait, what? For real?” Leo was shocked for a moment until he noticed Piper had a hard time not bursting into laughter. She was just messing with him. “OK, remind me to never tell you anything serious ever again.”

“You know you can’t resist my charm,” Piper chuckled. “Once you have forgotten what you just said, please tell me what really has happened at Waystation recently.”

Leo couldn’t help but shake his head at Piper’s enthusiasm but eventually started to tell her the whole story. He noticed that it helped him to forget about the negative thoughts for a moment so he didn’t really mind even though Piper had a tendency to be a bit pushy when it came to his feelings towards Calypso. And he assumed that Piper welcomed the distraction happily as well, because she must have felt conflicted about the whole Jason situation. When did things get so complicated, he wondered briefly before chuckling at his thoughts ironically. His life had never been simple. But even so, he would keep fighting. Because that’s what his mom would want, and that's what his family and friends would want.

[dervampireprince]

Also um, about your art or more about the process of creating art. I sometimes have the feeling of not being able to draw a certain character cause I won’t do their greatness justice? A few examples would be Viktor or Silco, like I draw Viktor very rarely and stress out very much over the sketches & stuff cause like…idk I don’t want to give this perfect/great picture in my mind something bad like my art yk? But maybe it will help us both to let go a bit and don’t think of art as creating something cool, rather creating something. Just anything is fine because you made it. And because you are enough, the things you create are enough too. This probably doesn’t help because in the end you are still the person to decide and I’m not trying to talk you into making art (pls don’t get me wrong on this one, I want you to decide however you feel like) I’m just trying to share my thoughts on this topic because maybe they will give you a new perspective? In short I just wanna tell you that you are allowed to „fail“ although I wouldn’t call any kind of art a fail. There is no wrong and right in art, no fail and success. There are just things that don’t come out as you pictured them in your head and that’s fine too.

also thank you! Yes well the entry exams for the university are one of the hardest an art university can have in my country so…I am kind of stressed about that. I practice a lot and learn a lot but…there are people applying with so much more experience than me it makes me a lil frustrated ngl. Which is why I need somebody to take care of that noisy head and mind of mine

oh i'm very stupid like i know exactly what i want to draw and i jut get too scared too and i still haven't done it today and it's been hours now, but letting go is exactly what i need to do. oh wow i didn't have to do entrance exams for uni so super good luck!

i'm always here when you need me

[themalhambird]

Growing Up Broken: I Talk About My (A)sexuality For 4 ¼ Pages.

I am asexual.

No, this doesn’t mean that I’m some form of plant budding off copies of myself if I get enough water and sunlight. It’s a shame. I could do a lot with multiple copies of myself- get someone else to do the dishes, the cleaning, my schoolwork…

I am asexual.

Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, would possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do.

I am asexual, and it’s almost Pride Month, and so I want to untangle some of the thoughts in my head and spin them out on to paper, to try and lay out my feelings about my sexuality, or lack thereof, and what it’s like growing up when no one bothers to tell you that not experiencing sexual desire like, ever, is a thing. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

It’s 2014. Puberty has doing stuff to me for the last two years or so: periods (urgh), breasts (neat!), underarm hair (why do I have to shave this? no one’s gonna see it), growth spurts (I’m getting taller than my older sister. I want to keep going till I’m taller than mum). The only thing not happening is wanting to have sex, something the nurse who came to Talk To Us All About Growing Up back in 2009 assured us Year Sixes would definitely happen as soon as puberty hit.

Still. It’ll happen soon, probably. Sixteen is still a bit too young to be having sexual feelings, right? The boys…really not interesting at all, but the other girls are pretty. I like their hair. I like the shape of their bodies. I just don’t fancy any of them. When we’re told to imagine our future husbands or wives in class (don’t ask my why, I’ve long forgotten the point of the exercise, I just remember that) I picture a wife.

(Lesbian is the first label I apply to myself. I stick it on tentatively- keep peeling it off my shirt and putting it back somewhere different like I’m not quite sure where it fits. It’s not wrong, necessarily. I’m just not certain it’s right. I like girls a whole lot better but I’m not saying I could never love a guy. I’m just not attracted to them. I’m not attracted to women, either- but I feel like I will be. When I’m old enough to feel that kind of thing. )

Sex Ed lessons are mortifying. We’re asked to list all the sexual terms we know on an A3 sheet of paper. I don’t know what half the things other people say mean- blowjob, 69, masturbate, porn . I don’t know how other people know these things either. We’re sixteen. It’s too young.

That summer I play Sebastian in an abridged version of Twelfth Night and it convinces me to take Drama at A-level, although I didn’t at GCSE. The drama classes teach me two things. First of all, I don’t like acting women. I prefer breeches rolls. I don’t know why. We’re talking about my asexuality, not my gender confusion, so let’s put a pin in that and move on to point two. My drama class teaches me that everyone my age is having sex, or wants to have sex, or is planning on having sex soon; sex is a constant, every class, every conversation. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So apparently sixteen (seventeen) isn’t too young after all.

It’s like this. One day you wake up and you realise that everyone else is speaking a language you don’t understand. Suddenly, sexual feelings aren’t something that no one your age is having but you’ll all develop soon- it’s that sexual feelings are something that everybody your age is having apart from you. People your age are dating, kissing, fucking, and it’s not something you’re interested in doing, necessarily, but you still feel so horribly left out. Like you’re missing some kind of major milestone. You try not to let it bother you- you watch Buffy every Monday you get to see your dad. (You watch loss of virginity be portrayed as growing up). You read. (The books you pick up all involve love and love always seems to at least imply sex). You- google things. You google the words you didn’t understand in that sex ed class. You google “how to tell if you’re attracted to someone” in case there’s some secret signal your body sent you that you missed. You feel like you should know if you’ve ever felt sexual attraction but then maybe you’re just really, really dumb. Maybe there’s something wrong with you. The NHS website reckons that if you’ve got a low sex drive you ought to see a doctor. The girls in your drama class keep talking about boys and sex and sex and boys and you aren’t really interested in either of those things. You cling to the thought, lesbian and hope that when you get to university, you’ll stop being so repressed. Girls are pretty- but the ones at school are either your friends or kind of mean. Of course you don’t fancy anyone there. University. University will save you. (Boys are sometimes pretty too. There are boys at school whose personalities are nice enough- who are the type of man you wouldn’t mind dating one day maybe- but you can’t ever picture yourself having sex with one. Dicks seem weird and really not the kind of thing you’d want inside you. I mean for fuck’s sake- why? You can’t even get a tampon in.)

I don’t like looking back on this. Sixteen, seventeen year old me was starting to get pretty freaked out. I like looking back at the first year of uni even less, because if seventeen year old me was freaking out, eighteen year old me was buying alcohol. That’s how it goes, right? Sex and alcohol. You see it all the time on T.V. Fictional people get fictional drunk and fictional cheat while they’re on fictional breaks with their fictional partners. David Tennant is pretty. A man at work is handsome and more importantly intelligent, into Shakespeare, into good conversation. The label switches from lesbian to ‘bisexual but heavily skewed toward women’ and I cling to that as tightly as possible because after that, I’m out of options. It is impossible that I’m not feeling sexual attraction: the whole world screams about sexual fucking attraction all the fucking time, I’m obviously just too uptight, I obviously just need to relax-

I once drank a whole bottle of wine in what was essentially one go. I paused for breath, but that was about it- I don’t think I even bothered with a glass. My goal was to get myself drunk enough that I could feel sexual attraction. I thought that the best way to go about things- to finally ‘grow up’- would be to get super drunk, and then leave the flat and find someone who would screw me. I reasoned that I would enjoy it once I was doing it- after all, the whole world pushes sex as this wholly desirable thing for any normal adult to want, even need- so I would like it once I was doing it and then I would be fixed. Fortunately, drinking a whole bottle of wine when you’ve never had more than a single glass of champagne or a couple of glasses of rum and apple juice before in your life gets you past “lowered inhibitions” to “can’t walk straight or upright” very quickly. I got as far as the bathroom, threw up, a lot, and staggered back to my room. I woke up at 3 pm the next afternoon feeling stupid for drinking, and mad at myself for still being a virgin.

I had a lot of problems in my first year of university and not all of them were about my sexuality crisis. I was isolated, fairly friendless, and not really cut out for socialising with my housemates who were probably all lovely people, but I find new people painfully difficult and hiding away seemed easier. But the feeling that there was something broken inside me because I wasn’t experiencing what everything seemed to be telling me was one of the most vital parts of the human experience- sexual attraction to other people- contributed to my general feelings of self-loathing and disgust. I attempted to induce sexual desire in myself by drinking on several further occasions, although never quite to the same extent as the first time. I’m not sure whether this counts as self-harm, but it certainly wasn’t healthy.

I didn’t know asexuality was a thing.

I knew I wasn’t straight- I’d known that for a while. I learnt that I enjoyed reading, talking, even writing about sex, as long as it was sex between people who weren’t real, but fantasising about fictional characters having sex and fantasying about myself having sex are two very different things. The former happened fairly frequently. The latter didn’t happen once, and still never has. My second year at university was better than my first: I was living with friends, I was further away from campus which meant I had to walk more, which probably helped, I had also started to make several friends online with whom I could happily chat even when I wasn’t in the mood for ‘actual’ people. I used bisexual to describe myself because on the rare occasions I thought about romance, I couldn’t really see myself ruling out anyone who was willing to put up with me.

I’m not quite clear when I first heard the term ‘asexuality’. I became aware of it gradually. Someone I followed on Tumblr identified as ‘grey-ace’. Characters from my favourite fantasy series were being headcanoned as ‘asexual’. At some point I must have learnt properly what that meant.

It sometimes feels like there ought to have been a lightbulb moment- like I should have seen the word, seen the definition, and instantly seen myself. But it is very, very hard to delete the message- ‘sex is important- sex is what grown-ups do- sex is what you should want to do’ – that the world constantly sends to us: in advertising, in entertainment, in the conversations of a drama class that always circled back to that topic, to the detriment of the sole seventeen year old who wasn’t really bothered. To embrace asexuality seemed like I was giving up on trying to fix myself, on waiting for the right person to come and make everything better. On the potential of their being a right person. I can wrap my head around people having casual sex very easily. It’s romantic love without sexual desire that I’m scared won’t work- how am I supposed to know if it’s love without there also being physical attraction? No romance arc that I had ever seen was without an element of sexual tension. So, no lightbulb moment for me. No switch going off- “aha, at last, that’s what I am!”. Just a gradual thought washing across my mind every now and then, like the tide rushing up a patch of sand and drawing straight back, leaving only dampness to show where there had been a good half-inch of water only a moment ago.

I might be asexual?

And ‘I might’ becomes ‘I think I am’, and the tide starts coming in. ‘I think I am’ became ‘I am’ at some point or other.

I am asexual.

I find reassurance in knowing that there’s a word for what I am, for how I (do not) feel. I am asexual. Not broken, or damaged, or too uptight to properly feel, or too dumb to recognise what I do feel. I am asexual- I have an absence of any sexual desire for others and that’s perfectly okay. I might fall in love one day. I might not. I don’t know how you’re supposed to know if you have the capacity to fall in love before you find yourself doing it. It might be nice to have a wife. It would also be nice to have a cat. I could cope with it just being me, a cat, and good friends for the rest of my life. If I fall in love- if I am capable of falling in love- it will just mean I am asexual, but romantic, and I will have learnt something new about myself. The point is-

The point is, I am incredibly lucky that I stumbled across Asexuality before I got myself hurt trying to force something that wasn’t there. The point is, this world assumes that sexual desires are the norm, and maybe they are, but that just makes it all the more important that people know that they aren’t abnormal for not experiencing sexual desire. To all the people who need to hear it: You are not broken. You are not alone.

I’m not sure how to wrap this up. I feel like I should say something profound or something. But I think I’m just gonna leave it like this:

I am asexual. Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, and possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do. I am not broken. I am not ‘going through a phase’ or ‘looking for attention’ or ‘trying to be special’. Everyone’s special, fuck you. Knowing that I am not the only person to feel how I feel makes me feel like I’m standing on solid ground. May all people experiencing the same confusion and distress over their sexual orientation that I felt growing up find their way safely to the same solid ground: you are not broken. We’re not broken.

[yyxgin]

a lot has happened at work recently!! but who cares bleh. libra season!!! which means bday celebrations!! except i’m at work BOO 👎 and my two assistant managers have officially left (i’m helping them move on wednesday) and they were probably the only two who knew when my bday was apart from my supervisor but he’s gone to a different branch to train to be an assistant manager before coming back so i’m super bummed bc now i have to deal w al the new staff by myself 😭

also one of the ladies in kp read my palms?? and she told me i spend too much money impulsively which isn’t false… but i have to spend money impulsively or if spend none at all (which is good for saving ig) but i’d also be doing nothing other than working and that would make me sad lol. she also told me bc i’m a libra this month i’ll be unlucky with love but lucky with money so 🥺🙏🙏 i was having a relatively bad day that day so she was cheering me up n all of that.

did i tell you when my txt and skz albums came, they also came like a week or two later (again) bc they’d accidentally doubled up my order? it was like heaven with skz bc changbin baby is my ult n he was in some of the pulls for the second album 🥵🥵 the limited edition of no easy confuses me bc it’s not like the last one of theirs i bought and typically groups stick to a style when they design albums like mamamoo are all in these cute magnetic flip box thingies and nct’s are all little books type things as well as txt’s but skz switched it up and there’s a fair bit of loose stuff? but it’s okay bc i have two posters n all of the mini flip card things for the members and some bangchan (i’m gifted in pulling chan).

im also hopefully getting a car?? the barman hasn’t gone to prison yet bc the court keep moving his sentencing date(s?) so when i discussed this w my mum she said they’ll probably throw it out and relief filled me!! but ik i shouldn’t be so hopeful but at the same time it’s like why would you mess someone around so much? anyway i’ll move on, i wanted to drop him home in my car bc he deserves a lift everyday what a sweetheart❣️ my co-worker facetimed me today as it was my day off and i said hi to everyone it was so heartwarming to see everyone missing me but also not bc my manager overworks me and he knows that after this weekend 💉🩸

im jumping about with my points and things i want to say but i’m horrible at internet friends so this is okay for me as recently i’ve just not had energy for any friends which is awful of me but i’m still trying to find the balance between work and social. also everyone’s gone to uni and i’m just chilling. i like my life.

i want to redecorate my room. i don’t like the vibe other than when people compliment my kpop wall bc it’s a bunch of my art and then other peoples art and i thoroughly enjoy decorating w pictures and stickers and stuff but it’s literally just a door and it’s depresses me that my happiness is reduced to the back of a singular door now. i want to redo the vibe in my room and make it more me. i’ve never felt comfortable until recently and even now i’m going back to feeling uncomfy now that i know i want it a certain way and to give a certain vibe. idk, maybe it’s bc i watched sex education and seeing lily’s room in the most recent season (i won’t say much more in case you are watching/haven’t seen it yet) really made me realise i want to love myself and love the space i create for myself more. do you enjoy your space you’ve created for yourself? i always feel like peoples rooms say a lot about them as a person but how they see their room in their own eyes always says more.

i want to ask loads of questions and am awful at asking them so please just tell me everything i missed or should be updated on!! ily, always

~ 🌻

LIBRA SEASON !!! omg did i ask you when's your bday ?? i hope i didn't miss it. >:( happy birthday !!!! you deserve so much love. also, i'm sorry about your managers leaving. dealing with new staff is hella stressful and i hope you don't have to have too much responsibility and nerves <3

ooh palm readings are hella interesting. i've never had one but i think i'd like to try. spending money impulsively isn't a bad thing, if it's not an irresponsible spending. and if it is,, well who cares. yolo. i feel you on that tho, bc even tho i am really stingy w money, sometimes i just buy stuff i don't need and act on impulse.

OMG THAT IS A DREAM ?? getting free albums ?? (at least i hope they were free lmao). i like it when groups stick to one type of packaging although i must say i dont like the book thingies nct uses bc there is no magnetic part so it falls apart on my shelf and i hate that. i acutally like the sleeve packaging txt's albums have ?? everyone seems to bitch abt it on tiktok but i find it the most conveniet. also i'm glad changbin came home to you <3

YAAAY TO THE CAR !! AND ALSO TO YOUR COWORKER. i am praying he won't have to go, then, i am really hopeful. he is a sweet soul and doesn't deserve that. pleeease don't put up with your boss overworking you. take care of yourself :(

YOURE NOT HORRIBLE AT INTERNET FRIENDS we are besties. okay ??? and its totally okay to have no energy for friends as well, bc as you can see, i am struggling as well recently. it took me so long to reply to this ask and i feel so bad but it is what it is :// social battery has been low and i am busy with studying and work and trying to put my shit together. i am rooting for you !! <3

go for the decorating !! i actually haven't watched sex education and am not planning on watching so i dont really understand what you mean, but i hope you get to create a space for yourself when you feel free and comfortable. i share a room with my brother so its kind of difficult to decorate it how i want it, but i honestly like sharing a room tbh. he's not here half the time anyway so it's good to see him at least when we go to sleep lmao. but i have a bunch of stuff in my corner that are kpop and my side is full of plants, so i feel good surrounded by them hihi. i like it here.

i don't have many updates. i am actually living a very boring life, so i have nothing to share. preparing for graduation exams has been making me anxious and also depressed with everything that's been going on lately, but it's okay. i'll pull myself together <3 i love you a lot, take care !! i missed you

[bvannn]

Weekly update August 4, 2023

I have been tired and restless all week but I’ve done some stuff too.

First of all: I have finished what I hope will be the last test animation before moving on with TRG animated. I tested some fun effects, and realized I have put far too much time into certain effects, when I could have just put the lines inside the symbols from the start. Obviously the sketchiness will vary depending on scene, so I’ll have to apply it uniquely for each scene the characters are in, which I’ll have to figure out how to do that for scenes shared in the same file, since that’s how I’ve storyboarded the video, but it shouldn’t be too hard, something about duplicating symbols most likely. Layer masks also might open up the possibility of shading in the future, but only if I can figure out how to communicate to Adobe that transparent is not a color.

Also found out I forgot to lipsynch 3 storyboard shots. Got one done already, another is partway done. I also need to create, export, and import sketchy assets for Tim and Emile, although I’ll probably limit these to the lines around shapes specific to their designs, like hair, sleeves, and pants/shorts. Otherwise I can just recycle Jon’s assets. Last thing I’ll need to do with clip studio is top and bottom foot assets for Jon for sure, and I’ll need them for the others eventually too so I may take them all out in one go. I’ll try to take out all the clip studio work, at least all the drawing, tomorrow, since I also have some OC drawing I want to do.

While I’m at work I’ve been listening to music playlist based on OC stories, trying to focus on filling in gaps, and whatnot. I think I’ve gotten to a point where I’d like to redesign 3 old old characters, who I don’t believe I have featured on the internet yet, since they have become relevant. I’d also like to give Thomas a little bit of a redesign, since he’s also growing in importance. Finally, I need to design alt outfits for the unit 624 group. I’ll probably just be sketching multiple designs and put it up to polls or something, so if there an aspect of one design you like but the rest of the design you don’t like, or if you’d want an aspect of one design grafted onto another, please speak up. I love feedback.

During the work week I was poking at music stuff. I realize I’m super out of practice, and I’ll need to remember how certain transitions went, but hopefully I can start recording midi this week, and see what parts need to be added from there. First project will be a more chill arrangement of a few short Zelda songs strung together to form one longer one. From there I’ll start thinking about other projects.

I’m in a weird spot because I have lots of motivation but I’m physically exhausted and have little time. Uni starts back up again at the end of the month, with any luck I’ll have a lab internship I’ve been really really wanting for a long time, which will allow me to drop a couple classes, but will more likely take up more time than both classes combined. Most likely. I’m absolutely going to do it regardless, assuming I get selected, but fall internships tend to be less competitive than summer ones, and I have been able to build more lab experience this summer, which I am grateful for. If I get the opportunity, it also means fewer lab classes through uni, which also frees up time. I don’t know what things will be like during the school year, but I’m hoping everything will be alright.

[artificialqueens]

Everything And More, 1/3 (Blu/Cheryl) - Juno

Summary: Blu and Cheryl discover they are soulmates … at the worst time possible. Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?

(A/N: This is a prequel to another fic I wrote which is on AO3, but can be read on its own too. Just wanted to do something with some DRUK girls, and there will be more to come! No CWs for this chapter. Hope you enjoy this so far.)

“Surprise, surprise!”

Cheryl had only had to open the door to the oddly quiet living room to instantly jump out of her skin the sight and sound of all her friends, the synchronised bangs of party poppers, streams of colours through the air. Something shattered in the kitchen through the open door at the back of the living room (most likely the walking hazard that was Kendall knocking a mug over), but shrieks and cheers covered up most of the noise.

She instantly turned backwards to meet Vivienne’s smug smile, as she stood behind her, and hit her with the paper KFC bag that was in her left hand.

“I knew you were doing this!” Cheryl cried, although really she would never have guessed.

“Give over, Chez, you had no idea. You thought we were just going for nuggets. Anyway, d’you like it?” Viv’s grin was a little forced.

“I love it! Babe, thank you so much!” Cheryl tugged Vivienne down the six inch difference in height to hug her round the neck.

A gentle ahem from inside the front room interrupted them, and Cheryl turned to Divina, standing waiting her turn.

“Divina did the decorations,” Viv muttered, but she needn’t have said; it was obvious by their precise locations and mix of pastels (but no other bright colours) that it was Divina’s hand leading all of this set up. Cheryl just dragged Divina towards them both, happy they’d put their mutual dislike aside even if it just for this.

“You didn’t think we’d let you go off to America without one last party, did you?” Divina exclaimed.

“Guys! You really shouldn’t have! Oh, I’m gonna cry!” Cheryl finally put down the KFC bag, nuggets spilling on the floor, to wipe her eyes.

Divina seized her by the cheeks. “Less of that, Cheryl, no tears today, okay? Come in and we’ll get the party going.” Divina steered Cheryl into the living room out of Vivienne’s arms, and Baga grinned as she handed her a mug.

But Cheryl knew better than to drink it right off the bat.

“What’s this, Bags?”

“Just coke,” Baga shrugged.

“Coke and what?”

“Coke and a mug.”

“Coke and what, Baga?”

But Baga just grinned. “Drink it and find out!”

Cheryl put the mug to her lips and … Oh, yes, coke and some fucking paint thinner, she realised. This was going to be an interesting afternoon. Just Baga feeding them all more and more alcohol from her mum’s special cupboard and topping it all up with water or apple juice or whatever hair-brained scheme Baga seemed to have thought up next.

Speaking of her mum …

“Viv,” Cheryl realised, turning to her, “does my mum know you’re all here?”

Vivienne blinked and looked at the painting on the wall.

“Viv! Tell me!”

“What are we playing first, girls?” Baga ignored Cheryl, steering her to the dining table which was large enough for six, and littered with bottles and cans. “Make space! Cards? Anyone brought cards?”

“Baga, no way, I told you I’m not playing Ring Of Fire again.” Kat folded her arms, glaring at her.

“Shut up, Kat. Who wants Ring Of Fire?”

“I’ve got a deck of cards!” Vivienne declared, producing one from her bra.

“No way am I playing with those.” This time it was Divina’s turn to put her foot down. “Not when they’ve spent all morning in Vivienne’s tits. I might catch something.”

“Only thing you’ll catch is some class, girl.” Vivienne replied smoothly.

“Class? From you? I don’t think.”

“Okay, okay!” Baga huffed. “Jesus Christ, you lot. Someone else suggest something then. Chez, get that down your neck.”

Cheryl focused on drinking while the others argued about the game. Viv and Divina kept shooting barbs at each other, with Vinegar egging them on and Sum waving her hands in the air trying to calm both of them down. Baga’s face grew redder and redder as she fought not to shout at them, while Crystal, Kat and Kendall went to the back door to vape.

Wait.

“Is Blu not coming?” Cheryl asked in the kitchen, but the argument was reaching a crescendo. She drained the mug and went outside to the back garden. Crystal was blowing smoke rings, while Kat and Kendall sat in the grass, legs intertwined, passing Kendall’s vape pen between them and picking at the daisies.  

“Where’s Blu?” Cheryl asked Crystal, thinking Kat and Kendall were too preoccupied for company.

“She’s still got flu,” Crystal replied, blowing a cloud of smoke through the centre of her newest smoke ring. “She couldn’t come.”

——

Fuck this. Fuck the flu.

Blu felt like shit, and not just because of the flu. She was missing Cheryl’s surprise party. God, what irony. She hadn’t missed a day of term over the whole of sixth form, and now she had the worst flu of her life at the end of the summer holidays, right before everyone was going to uni and right before Cheryl was flying to America.

She looked down at her phone from earlier when she’d messaged Viv.

Blu: sorry im still sick

Blu: mam wont let me out the house

Blu: best i can hope for is to be better for monday to come to the airport

Viv: Can’t be helped girl xx

Viv: Hope your feelin better soon xx

She’d wanted to see Cheryl’s face when Viv brought her in for the surprise, because Cheryl would never guess in a million years and her face would be a picture.

She’d wanted to savour every minute she was still with her best friend before he had to get on the plane and go on that scholarship.

She’d wanted to give Cheryl her present at the party. Nothing worth a lot of money, or big, but something that meant a lot to Blu and she hoped to Cheryl too.

Sighing, she looked over at the corner where it was wrapped, ready to go. Where she’d almost fallen on it this morning, getting up and out of bed. Telling her ma she felt fine, before her unsteady legs gave out under her and she crashed into the wall.

It sucks being in bed all day.

She looked down at her watch - one of those new ones with the soulmate-finder on it, to see that the day was moving frustratingly slowly. There was nothing onTV, she’d watched what felt like the whole of Netflix, and she still didn’t really want to eat.

With a growl of frustration, she tugged the duvet over her head and snuggled down, hoping that being good and staying in bed would help her fever hurry the fuck up and leave her in time for Monday.

Then I can say bye.

She couldn’t let Cheryl go without saying goodbye. Cheryl was far more than her best friend.

Coming over from Belfast after her parents’ divorce two years ago felt like wrenching a tree from its roots and trying to plant it in rocks. London was too big, and even now Blu still wasn’t altogether used to central London, but here on the outskirts wasn’t as bad.

In addition to a different country, she’d had to shift her studies here too, and her first day at her new school had felt like all the wires in her brain had been rearranged. Besides, having the badge of honour of being the New Girl among these sixth formers who had already known each other for five years was never going to be straightforward.

But her first lesson, on her first day, Business Studies, had seen the prefect Cheryl toss her hair back from her shoulders and pat the empty space at the desk next to her, her smile charming and so fucking genuine.

It had been all Blu had needed for something hot to blossom in her chest.

She’d been so confused. Back at school in Belfast, she’d convinced herself having crushes on her girl friends was just a phase, as her ma had said, and she would grow out of it. But meeting Cheryl had made her sure that it definitely wasn’t just a phase. The crushes she’d had in Belfast came and went, like clouds on a windy day; like the boys who had entered her life but who had never felt real, and had let her go like the wisp of smoke she turned into. But Blu had never once moved on from Cheryl. Cheryl was the sky beyond the clouds. In her mind now, that was all there was.

Blu had shook when she’d told her ma she was certain now, over Christmas holidays in Year 12 - certain that she didlike girls, this wasn’t going away, and there was This Girl in her life now, and This Girl was incredible, kind, talented, gorgeous … and probably as straight as a poker. And her ma had nodded along with her confession, reassured her, let her cry at the relief.

Cheryl remained This Girl.

Incredible, kind, talented, gorgeous, and Blu was convinced poker-straight.

Blu opened her eyes, stunned to see the clock had moved on to seven pm in what felt like no time at all. She’d slept, by some miracle.

Her throat felt much better, too.

——

Three rounds of Ring Of Fire and countless attempts at Among Us later, and Cheryl was warm and drunk and swaying happily to the music from Divina’s Spotify playlist. Among Us had gone to pieces after everyone had collectively decided that Crystal was just always going to be the imposter and Crystal made no attempt to dissuade them; simply flipping her hair back and winking at them.

Cheryl felt the familiar sensation of Vivienne’s fingers at the back of her neck, tugging her hair back to braid. It transported Cheryl to being in Year 7 again, when Cheryl had had her super-long hair, and Viv had been obsessed with braiding it at every opportunity. Now, with long gentle fingers at the base of her scalp, Cheryl let herself ascend to cloud nine of relaxation.

“You having a good time?” Viv asked softly.

It was a tone she didn’t really use with the rest of the group; her own quiet way of caring. Cheryl tried to nod.

“Stop it, girl, your braid is coming out!”

“Sorry. Viv? Mum did know about this party, didn’t she, babe?”

Vivienne cackled in response to Cheryl’s tentative question. “Of course she did, like Divina would have decorated your house like that if your mum hadn’t known about us giving you a party.”

Divina spun round at her name, her red hair seeming to flare up. “Vivienne, if you don’t stop -“

But Divina was interrupted by a sharp nudge in the ribs from Crystal, and a pointed glance to Sum, who Cheryl only just noticed was lying on the ground, her hands in her rucksack. She sat back up with an impish grin.

“Do you want to play some pass the parcel?” Sum asked, her eyelids drooping as she handed a parcel wrapped in brown paper to Cheryl. Her words were slurred; Sum was the lightweight of the group, for sure. Still, Cheryl was drunk enough not to think that pass the parcel was a stupid idea.

“Let’s do it then!” Cheryl shouted above the music. “Everyone get on the floor!”

“Some of us don’t need to go far, do we?”

“Shut up, Kendall, I’m not that short!”

“Just shut up and sit down, Baga,” Cheryl pulled her down to sit with them all. “Right - who’s got the music on?”

“Me,” Divina said, holding her phone up. “I’ll do the stops.”

The parcel took forever to go round everyone, with them all having a turn to unwrap a layer. After the seventh layer was unwrapped, Vivienne realised that Divina was not stopping the music when she had the parcel, resulting in yet another argument. But once everyone had had a turn, as expected, the parcel landed on Cheryl as the music stopped.

It was a small box, big enough to fit in her hands as she cupped it. It had to be the last layer before the gift was revealed. Obviously, Cheryl thought to herself, they’ve planned all of this.

She tore the paper off, and was stunned.

“This is - guys -“

Cheryl had seen the adverts for the soulmate-finding smart watches, but holding it in her hands … it felt surreal.

“We wanted to get you something meaningful,” Sum was smiling warmly as she spoke, “and so we all got together and bought you this watch.”

Sure, Cheryl would have loved to have owned one of these watches before, but they were so expensive and so new, that she thought it would probably be years before she’d own one at least. And now, here was the small box that held one, of her very own.

“God - you must have spent a fucking fortune on me, you didn’t have to do that …”

Cheryl found tears come readily to her eyes as Baga gave her a hug.

“Chez, it’s fine. Maybe now you’ll find an American soulmate!”

“Maybe.”

“And then you can stay in America and not come back!”

Cheryl forced a smile as she patted Baga on the back, letting the tears fall now.

“We’ll need to set you up before you go so when you get there you can meet some American as soon as you land. There’s some, like, personality quiz or something they make you take so they can set you up with a soulmate. Give me your phone and I’ll set you up.” Divina reached for Cheryl’s phone.

“Hey, hey, what makes you think you’re going to be setting her up, Divina?” Viv protested. “We all bought it, so we allget to do it.”

“Why can’t you fucking -“

“Shut the fuck up! Both of you!” Crystal shouted above them both; the only one still seemingly sober. “God, you’re both being fucking childish.”

“We’re all doing it,” Vinegar announced, and her authoritative tone as always caused the rest of the group to go quiet; Divina as docile as a lamb as she handed over Cheryl’s phone and the watch.

The nine of them poured the rest of the spirits and the mixers into each other’s mugs and glasses, and gathered round Vinegar as she downloaded the app onto Cheryl’s phone and started filling in the questions on the personality test.

They’d been a group for seven years, and although they didn’t always all get along now, it was the closest Cheryl felt to anyone. Cheryl glanced round at her friends, close as sisters but loyal as family, feeling tears hot in her eyes once again. The slight unnerving feeling in her gut that she had every now and then threatened to throw her off course again, intrusive thoughts creeping back in.

Is this the right thing?

Divina and Viv weren’t staring daggers at each other for the first time in the last month; instead working in tandem and chuckling softly at each other. Vinegar, her tongue worrying her lip in concentration, tapped answers to the questions as the girls called them. Kendall motioned to Kat with her vape, and the two backed away to the door of the kitchen, Sum following them.

A Levels had been and gone, and school was officially done. Cheryl’s scholarship to the prestigious Iman Performing Arts college in New York City was secured, plus the resettlement grant which would pay for moving costs.

She was the only one leaving England behind.

Blu would get it. Blu knows what it’s like to move countries. But Blu has the flu.

She giggled to herself at the rhyming thought, the only thing she could do to keep from crying again. Baga was already eyeing her to make sure she didn’t. The last thing she wanted was for her makeup to smear any more than it already was.

But it felt so much like her bubble of school, of normal life, was ending; ready for this new world of academia and New York to begin. It was a dream come true and a nightmare rolled into one. But Blu would understand, because she’d already moved to another country.

She wished for Blu more than ever at that moment.

Before she could think about it too much, her phone was thrust back into her hand by Vinegar, the questions all completed.

“There you are, babes.” Vinegar pointed to the bottom of the page. “If you like what we’ve done, just hit go.”

Cheryl didn’t feel as if all the words were going in, as she looked down the page, reading descriptions of herself, answers to family questions, life, hobbies, hopes and dreams. She could see the words, but they didn’t register; and as she read them, they felt as if they were describing someone else, someone who maybe existed in a mirror rather than a physical form.

When she got all to way to the top, she blinked at the ‘looking for’ box. Vinegar had entered Men, but Cheryl hesitated. That wasn’t … quite right.

This is it, Chez. Now or never.

Vodka was great for a confidence boost. She tapped the button where Vinegar had added that she was looking for Men, and changed it to Any gender instead.

A detail that wasn’t missed by Vinegar’s inquisitive gaze.

“Wait, hold on, hold on. Chez? Chez!”

Vivienne turned to look, and so did Divina and Baga.

“Oh, finally!” Baga exclaimed, dragging Cheryl back into a hug. “We wondered if you’d admit it before you left.”

“What? How did you know?” Cheryl cried.

But none of them would tell her; just smirking at one another and alternating her with hugs.

——

Cheryl’s flight wasn’t set to leave until five, but she had to be there three hours early to get through customs - how did that make sense, Blu thought, when she could arrive forty minutes before and still get back to Belfast - and so Blu had wanted to be there early, but there were so many people on the Tube, plus a breakdown at St Pancras, meaning she had barely any time to sprint across the glistening tiles at Heathrow airport.

Where is she?

The departures board said her flight was already going through baggage check in and security. There wasn’t much time. She followed the signs to the bag drop …

“Blu!”

Crystal was coming towards her, and Blu saw behind her Divina, Viv and Baga; all presumably having come down in Divina’s cramped little third-hand Ford KA. Viv was rubbing her eyes, and the telltale mascara lines on her cheeks told no lies.

“That’s it, then,” Crystal nodded, looking gravely at Blu. “She’s putting her bags through and then - well, she’s gone until Christmas.”

“You can still catch her after she comes out of baggage check in, Blu,” Divina said gently.

Blu didn’t pause to second guess; she sprinted past them, towards the baggage drop, watching people queue with their cases, looking at the queues for any sign of her.

And there she was.

Cheryl in the flesh, coming out of the baggage drop and about to ship herself almost halfway around the world; her normally perfect blonde hair tied off her face; her normally flawless makeup not even slightly present. Just Chez in a baggy shirt, denim jacket, and a pair of leggings, ready to fly. Ready to leave this bubble behind.

Blu had never loved her more.

Before she had the chance to call her, their eyes met. Blu watched them expand, the elated grin flood her face, and her arms open as Blu ran into them. Cheryl caught her, squeezed tightly …

Time stopped.

How was she meant to let Cheryl go? They’d only known each other these last two years …

They hadn’t had the time as besties the rest of them had had, but Blu knew that Cheryl just felt like a part of her now; as if each of them were a jigsaw with one piece of each other that fit perfectly.

It’s not the end. It’s not the end.

But as much as Blu repeated that to herself, something churned in her stomach at the thought of Cheryl leaving.

When time finally flooded back into their day, as Cheryl pulled away; Blu watched her green eyes fill with tears and Cheryl hurriedly wipe them away.

“Sorry,” Cheryl muttered, “I knew I was gonna cry at some point.”

“It’s alright,” Blu whispered, her own voice breaking too much to speak louder.

Cheryl nodded, taking Blu’s hand and squeezing, gazing at the ground, giving Blu as reassuring a smile as she could muster when she was evidently breaking in two.

“I’ll be back at Christmas,” Cheryl was murmuring, meeting Blu’s eyes again, “and in summer. That’s not long. Christmas is only, what, four months away. And we’ve got Skype. Facetime. Whatever. We’ve got - we’ve got everything. We’ll stay in touch. We will. We all will. We …”

“I know.” Blu nodded back at her. “We’ll talk - every day if you want, Cheryl.”

Cheryl nodded again, hitching her rucksack higher on her back.

“I have to go through security.”

“Before you go -“ Blu had almost forgotten. Her own present. She tugged it from her bag, small as it was, wrapped in brightly-coloured paper. Cheryl would probably guess at what it was from the size and shape, but she still rattled it next to her ear for good measure, before laughing and taking off her rucksack to put it in.

“I’ll open it on the plane.”

“Alright,” Blu replied, but Cheryl was frozen, her eyes wide, pleading. Asking something that Blu couldn’t hear, couldn’t understand.

“You don’t want to miss your plane, do you?” Blu whispered.

“No.” Cheryl took a deep breath. “Thank you, Blu.” And with a shy smile, she leaned in and ever so gently gave Blu a kiss on the cheek.

It was the last thing Blu expected. She held her breath, wishing time would stop again, wishing she could hold on to this moment, or drag Cheryl back off the plane. But they’d had so much time. Over school, over summer, and nowwasn’t the right moment.

“Bye, Blu. Thanks for the present. See you at Christmas.”

Blu feigned nonchalance. “If we let you back in the country.”

Finally, Cheryl managed a laugh. Squeezing Blu’s hand for the last time, Cheryl pulled away, finally letting her go.

Blu let her, and watched her walk away to the escalator up to Security, the first steps to her new life in America.

It was only when Blu reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes that she saw the blue notification light on her new watch. She hadn’t figured out what all the notification lights meant yet, so frowning, she tapped the button on the screen.

‘A soulmate is within a 10m radius. Please press the blue button to start your timer. You have one day for your soulmate to respond. You then have 100 hours to connect. Alternatively, please press the red button to decline this opportunity.’

Blu felt her legs tremble.

No fucking way.

She was frozen to the spot, reading the message over and over.

Turning her head back up, she watched Cheryl reach the top of the escalator. About to head to Departures.

Now was the only chance she would have before she lost her.

But Blu couldn’t move.

Finally, her legs seemed to obey her as she tore to the escalator, taking the steps three at a time, and at the top - sighing with relief - Cheryl was still there, putting her liquid items into the tiny plastic bags, draining her bottle of water to the last drop.

“Cheryl!”

Cheryl spun at the shrill sound of her name, a split second before Blu launched herself at her. She opened her arms and caught her a second time that day.

“Blu? What’s wrong? What -“

“We got you a soulmate watch, didn’t we?” Blu could barely catch her breath, her heart hammering. “Are you wearing it right now?”

“Yeah, it’s here,” Cheryl nodded, and held up her wrist. Something caught her eye, and frowning, she looked at it. “Why is there a light on it?”

Blu didn’t reply; she simply held up her own watch, with the same notification light.

“You’ve got a soulmate watch too? Wait, why is yours like that as well?” Cheryl said, but Blu didn’t need to respond. Cheryl’s mouth fell open, and she turned her eyes from the watch to Blu; who watched her realisation and her every thought as it crossed her face.

Cheryl - isn’t straight either?

“You -“ Cheryl’s eyes filled with the same easy tears that she always seemed to produce; always the easiest cryer of the group of them, always the most emotional. “I can’t believe it. You did, too?”

Blu nodded, weak with relief. “Since the start of sixth form.”

Cheryl gasped. “Since we got paired up for business studies! God, two years! Two years we’ve wasted, not doing this!”

Before she could ask what she meant, Cheryl tugged Blu towards her, closing the distance, kissing her lips; and it was everything and more that Blu had dreamed it would be. Cheryl might not have been wearing makeup, but she still smelled divine, her warmth a solace, a right place to be. Blu wrapped her arms around Cheryl’s waist, hoping to go deeper, but Cheryl let her go suddenly.

Blu saw her eyes cloud over once again.

“How am I meant to get on the plane if we’re -“

But she couldn’t finish the sentence, words failing Cheryl for probably the first time in her life. Blu looked at the Departures gates, ignoring everyone else around them, and took a deep breath, swallowing hard.

“For your dream, Cheryl,” Blu whispered. “This is what you’ve wanted forever. You’ve always said that. Remember - remember that day you got the scholarship through? When we were in class?”

“God, we got so drunk that day,” Cheryl giggled.

“Yeah, well, you need to go for your dream.”

“But - “ Cheryl swallowed, her voice an octave higher than usual. “But we’re soulmates, Blu.”

Her words wrapped themselves tightly around Blu’s heart, and she thought she’d never in her life forget the ice-cold sorrow in Cheryl’s voice … but she couldn’t let that influence anything rash.

She sniffed, trying to hold her tears back. “You have to go, Cheryl. You’ll miss your flight. I’ll be here for you, when you get off it again, at Christmas. I promise.” Blu rubbed her arm. “I’ll be right here, at Heathrow. Go get your dream, girl.”

“God, we’re stupid,” Cheryl muttered, “for not realising sooner.”

Blu pressed Accept on her watch, and a new message came up.

‘Thank you for selecting. Your soulmate has one day to respond. You will be notified when they make their decision.’

“Tap yours.”

Cheryl giggled. “Why? It’s definitely me.” But she did so anyway.

Blu felt her watch vibrate again, presumably with another message, but she didn’t care; Cheryl was here, and the watch had somehow made everything they’d both hidden for two years come into the light, fall into place like the missing jigsaw pieces.

“What - what now?”

But Cheryl didn’t reply; she grinned through her tears as she pulled Blu back towards her for a last kiss; one that felt like sustainment, like life itself. Blu could do nothing now but enjoy this moment, the final one for now.

Cheryl finally let her go, and Blu had to tell her to go before she changed her mind.

“Get your flight! Go and get your dream!”

Cheryl looked at the security desks, then wistfully at Blu.

“I’ll be back at Christmas, alright, babe?”

“I’ll be here for when you land. I promise.”

Blu let her go.

[acadimia]

After making a grand total of 11 cheatsheets since starting university less than a year ago (I know, my uni is weird), I wanted to share some of my tips and tricks for making the most effective cheatsheet for your needs! They're a hassle to make, but depending on how you make yours, it could either be an incredibly useful resource or just an extra sheet of paper on your desk.

(By "cheatsheet", I mean a typically printer paper-sized memory aid, usually handwritten, that is allowed to be brought into an exam.)

1. You don’t need to write small, nor do you need to write a lot.

Some people go out of their way to buy 0.1mm pens to cram everything they can onto a cheatsheet. But okay, hear me out: unless you plan on using your cheatsheet to study (more on this later), what is the point of writing as much as you can? It is super difficult to find the exact piece of information that you need in the stressful environment of an exam, especially when you’ve written in the equivalent of size 4 font and your page is cluttered with information you definitely know . And honestly, for most exams, it’s a waste of time trying to look at your cheatsheet. Just put down whatever you’ll definitely need; the rest will only slow you down or overwhelm you.

2. Use colours, or at least find some way to keep it organized.

Once again, you need to spend as little time as possible looking at your cheatsheet in an exam. If the exam allows cheatsheets, the class probably has something else to up the difficulty level of exams. In my experience, it’s usually either application questions or a time crunch, sometimes both. So, make your cheatsheet efficient. Colour-code it so you know what to look for in order to find any given piece of information. Find some sort of format, so that you also know where exactly to look.

3. Don’t wait until last minute to make it. If it comes to that point, just put down the major points and sleep.

There are so many reasons why you shouldn’t do this. Just trust me, my lowest exam marks are from exams where I made a cheatsheet the night before. You shouldn’t be staying up the night before your exam. Copying the textbook onto a sheet of printer paper isn’t effective studying. Most importantly, your cheatsheet becomes so much more effective when you’ve actually done practice exams with it. Or else, how would you know how well it actually functions and what else you should add?

4. It doesn't need to be perfect.

Please don’t spend too much time on your cheatsheet. Obviously, interpret this advice based on practice exams and the scope of whatever course you're taking, but don't get to a point where you're relying on your "perfect" cheatsheet to pass the exam. Instead, spend your time studying the material and question formats so that you almost don't need your cheatsheet. No matter how informative or detailed your cheatsheet is, it won't matter if you don't have time to use it during the exam, or if you haven't done enough practice so you don't know how to format the cheatsheet's information.

5. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing.

I think this goes without saying for practically anything, really. Just do you. If the prof says you’re allowed a single piece of printer paper, front and back, it doesn’t mean that you need to fill that. Nor does it mean that you should be intimidated when you walk into the exam and see that you’re the only person who hasn’t filled up your cheatsheet completely. Do whatever you need to succeed. If spending a few extra hours cramming information onto your cheatsheet won’t help you, then don’t do that. If it will, then don’t let me and my opinions stop you.

1. For the stuff that you actually don’t know and isn’t worthwhile to memorize

This is pretty obvious, but you should prioritize the stuff that you actually don’t know and is too difficult to memorize. For example, the 20 amino acids for Biology. 

2. Diagram compilation

Personally, I think that the most useful thing you can do with your cheatsheet is to add diagrams and charts. They are the easiest thing to find on your cheatsheet. Also, diagrams are able to sum up a whole list of details, so you don’t need to worry about missing something. It is always useful to refer to your diagrams for inspiration!

3. Checklist

What are the three points you need to include to describe a histogram? What steps does the prof want you to do to show autosomal dominance? If you are someone who often loses marks because of missing details or the way you format your answers, your cheatsheet can function as a checklist. Write down exactly what you need to address to get full marks on certain types of questions.

4. Personalized formula sheet

If you are anything like me (ie. I am so afraid of Math that I chose not to major in Biochemistry just so I don't have to do Calc III), then writing out some formulas in the way that you like them written might be useful, even if you are given a formula sheet. It's a comfort thing.

5. Study guide

As a heads up, this is the only situation where I would condone writing as much as possible on your formula sheet. If you're the type of person who studies by copying out your notes (ie. you memorize things by writing them out), then you might as well kill two birds with one stone and just copy your notes onto your cheatsheet. But, then again, your cheatsheet will probably be less functional during the exam, so do this at your own discretion.

Here are two of my own cheatsheets, to illustrate some of my points. The first one is for Biology, the second one is for Statistics. 

I don’t keep a consistent colour code, but generally, red is for categories or units, blue is for definitions or important terms, and blue underline is for things I commonly forget or refer to (ie. the 4 factors affecting membrane fluidity). The units follow the order that we learned them in class. Although I tend to write small and there is a lot more information than strictly necessary, I can easily find anything I’m looking for.

Here’s the bottom line: do whatever is the most useful for you!! These are just a few things that have worked for me and some people around me, but do whatever will help you succeed.

Happy studying, everyone!

[gracesloveletters]

with love. profiles

masterlist

profiles: 

💌 y/n 💌 : Your passion for art, history, and literature has led you to the extremes of being the top of your history class, and being stuck in the library surrounded by textbooks during every spare moment (willingly). You’re very involved in high school life as a Student Council member, Student Mentor, and a writer for a column in the school paper. Despite your academic reputation, however, your hopeless romantic antics threaten to ruin your final year of of high school. Honestly, you’re just trying your best. 

contact: 😪 how are we even bffs? 💖

mingyu: Somehow the universe had destined for you and Mingyu to become best friends, and that is what the two of you have been since childhood. As polar opposites, Mingyu had always encouraged you to go on adventures, meet new people, live a little. In return you would encourage him to stop failing classes and spend more time in the library with you rather than on the running track. You trust each other completely, so why is it that lately you’ve both been hiding something from the other?

groupchat: ✨ golden boys ✨️

Seungcheol: The school’s #1 golden boy. He has a few important titles under his belt; Captain of the Track and Field Team, member of the Student Council, Student Mentor, top of all of his classes (except for history because of a certain someone), so it only makes sense that he’s in the running for valedictorian. The boy exudes kindness, confidence and honesty, but there’s one skeleton he’s been desperately trying to hide in the closet. Just like you, he’s only trying his best. 

Jeonghan: With ethereal beauty and an angelic voice on his side, Yoon Jeonghan is the school’s second official golden boy. As a member of the Student Council and the choir throughout his entire high school life, he’s developed many connections. Although this golden boy has a golden voice, don’t put it past him to cause a little mayhem every now and then. However, becoming the emergency-voted Student Council Vice President halfway through the year was certainly not part of the plan. 

joshua: Joshua Hong completes the trio as the final golden boy; possibly everyone’s favourite if they absolutely had to choose. A member of the Student Council, a Student Mentor, in the choir, and known to volunteer outside of school on the weekends, how could anyone not think highly of him? He’s considered the most quiet and reserved of the golden trio, but everyone knows Jeonghan couldn’t possibly get up to all that mischief on his own. 

groupchat: 🎶🎨 creative leaders 📚🌟

jun: Jun didn’t really know what he was expecting when he moved high schools a few years ago, but becoming the exchange-student-turned-International-Leader was definitely not it. Anyone from the outside looking in would say he’s perfect for the role; he’s obviously from another country, he’s smart, polite, well-spoken, not to mention he’s been doing a great job with International Leader “affairs” and “responsibilities”. But if you asked him about his role in the school, he would politely excuse himself from the conversation. Not because he doesn’t like the attention, but rather he kind of has no idea what he’s doing... fake it ‘til you make it, right?

soonyoung: The amount of times you have witnessed this boy challenge unsuspecting new students to dance battles in the hallway is quite ridiculous, but unsurprising. Soonyoung, who would prefer it if you called him “Hoshi”, wears the title of Dance Captain like a badge of honour; his apparent life mission being to recruit the school’s most talented and promising dancers into the Dance Team. Everyone in the school could vouch that Soonyoung was the most passionate dancer on the team, whether they were a friend of his or not. The newest recruit has especially impressed him, but there’s someone else entirely that’s caught his eye. 

wonwoo: Outside of attending classes, there are two things you could safely bet on that Jeon Wonwoo would be doing; manning the desk in the library, or busily editing the school paper, so bumping into each other is more likely than not for the two of you. School life, and life in general, is quiet for Wonwoo, and he prefers it that way. However, a mysterious letter changes everything, and suddenly Wonwoo finds himself receiving a lot of unwanted attention. 

jihoon: Band Captain, Student Council Vice President, and first-chair clarinet were the titles Lee Jihoon unexpectedly dropped halfway though the year, sparking the school’s latest rumour mill. He had caught everyone by surprise with his sudden resignation from those previous responsibilities. Even the teachers knew that no one could ever fill those now-empty shoes. You of all people would know, because you were the first friend he ever made in high school. 

seokmin: If Dance Captain Soonyoung had any competition in the passion department, it would come from none other than Choir Captain Seokmin. When he’s not in the choir practice room, you can easily locate him by following the sound of intense vocal warm-ups. Seokmin’s popular in school for being an all-round entertainer and having a smile that could help stop wars. So why did finding  a peculiar letter in his locker one day turn that signature smile into a frown. 

minghao: Although he’s been attending high school just as long as you have, Minghao continues to remain a mystery to most. One thing that’s for certain about the boy is that you can always find him with a camera in hand; dedicated to his job as the photographer for the school paper, and posting artistic shots on his Instagram. Soonyoung has been begging him to join the dance club nearly everyday for a year after Jun let it slip that Minghao used to b-boy under the alias The8, who seems to be the only one who knows anything about the photographer. 

groupchat: y/n + the three musketeers 💯

Seungkwan: When the Student Mentor program was first introduced, you were assigned two new students, Seungkwan being one of them. He and Vernon started the Outside-In podcast during their first year of high school and have gained a significant following ever since. Having made an impression on the boys whilst mentoring them, Seungkwan has dedicated himself to being your loyal supporter and friend, threatening that anyone would “catch these hands” if they dared to even look at you funny. If he’s not hanging out with Vernon, you will most likely find him in the choir practice room.

Vernon: The second student you were assigned with when the Student Mentor program was first introduced. As the other half of the Outside-In podcast, a member of the basketball team, an employee at the convenience store near the school, and a regular at the skate bowl, everyone and their dog knows who Vernon is. He and Seungkwan have attracted the attention of many both in and outside of high school with their (unscientific) advice, coverage of school “news”, and stories of their hectic adventures. So with word coming in about some seniors receiving mysterious love letters in school, what do the duo have to say? 

Chan: The latest student to be assigned to you under the Student Mentor program, and you’ve taken him under your wing ever since. Resultantly, so have Seungkwan and Vernon. Although he’s no longer a newbie at school, Chan always comes to you with whatever problems he has (homework-related or not). You spend many after school sessions tutoring him in the library. Chan has also made a great first impression on those in the arts department as the newest and youngest member to be recruited into the Dance Team. 

---

really long a/n: hi! this came way later than I wanted it to, sorry if you were semi-anticipating it. i wanted to make some cute profiles for everyone (which took way too long lmao) and give y’all some insight on how they’re going to be in this au. also it’s important to mention that i wrote everyone except seungkwan, vernon and chan as being the same age (seniors), i know that’s super unrealistic and hectic but it’s an au just roll with it. oh also i’m kind of mashing up every single high school trope in history the rules don’t apply here i’m sorry. i’m having second thoughts about going ahead with this fic because uni’s just started for the year and i’m going to get real busy real quick hahaha... but hopefully i’ll be able to update whenever i can. in saying that i’m planning on having pretty big updates/chapters because i have a full on storyline planned out in my head which means a lot of time will be spent on drafting rather than posting, but i’ll try to post filler/smaller updates to compensate. this is probably overly ambitious because i’m the most unmotivated person ever, but i hope to just really enjoy writing this. please be patient with me and i hope you all enjoy reading along xx

[the32ndbeat]

about me tag;

tagged by: @passionfruithyuck ( thank you so much for the tag love ❤️ this was super fun to do ^^ )

1. It’s your birthday! What did you ask for and did you receive it?

I don’t really have a lot of things I want or need tbh... I didn’t get any physical gifts for my birthday but I did get to go eat at a restaurant I liked so that was cool.

2. What was the last song or album you listened to?

Hmm, the last song I listened to was Kick It by NCT 127!

3. What is your go to snack when you’re hungry or bored?

I don’t snack a lot but when I do, I like to get bread >< and just slather it with peanut butter, kaya or jam! toasting it sometimes makes it SO MUCH better

4. What is your morning routine?

Ok right now, i’m living like a bum since uni doesn't start until early august so i wake up at 8am ( my phone is my alarm ) but i rarely REALLY wake up at 8am so i either go back to sleep until 10am latest or lounge in bed with my phone for a bit ( and by a bit i mean an hour or so ). I go to brush my teeth and wash my face then i’ll go get breakfast! I must drink a glass of water every morning before i eat, it’s a routine by now. I usually don’t eat breakfast if i wake up too late ( like maybe 9:45am ) or i’d just eat one slice of bread as compared to two. I like to walk around and just keep standing for about an hour to aid digestion ( i’m weird i know ) and then i’ll settle down in the living room with my laptop and do whatever I want for the day! 

5. What mythical/cryptid creature would you be?

A dragon for sure.

6. How do you interact with someone that you don’t like?

i usually ignore them, just simply don’t talk to them. I rarely find ppl i don’t like though and i usually try my best to like people or give them a chance so if i don’t like you then... I guess i REALLY don’t like you. 

7. How do you define a toxic person?

hmm to me, it’s someone who’s just fake. someone who acts all nice and friendly in front of you but actually hates or someone who only talks to you when you’ve got something they want and will ignore you in a heartbeat once they’ve taken advantage of you.

8. Have you ever been to a concert or fanmeet type of event? If not, would you want to?

I have! But it’s not a kpop concert, it’s a taiwanese singer’s concert. Show Luo, has anyone heard of him? I’d love love love to go to a tbz or nct concert and fanmeet!! it’d mean the world to me to be able to see them in real life.

9. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

Yes, to a certain extent. I believe in the personality description part but not when it comes to predicting events because i think ultimately what happens is caused by your own actions rather than astrological events.

10. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), which would you want?

Sight. For sure sight. I want to be able to see. I’m a very avid reader ( although i could learn braille but idk ) and i’m a visual learner so yes, sight.

11. Who is your favourite celebrity or idol?

um i’d have to say the boyz’s juyeon... he’s so incredibly talented and his blankness and clueless/innocent personality just makes me love him more if that’s still possible ><

12. If you could talk to your favourite celebrity(s) for a limited time, what would you tell them?

I probably wouldn’t even be able to get a single word out because of how nervous i am but i’d tell juyeon to keep working hard, never give up and that deobis will always have tbz’s back. we can see that they’re working very hard and we are extremely proud and grateful for them for that. i would also say that he’s super inspiring to me and i greatly admire his dancing, being a dancer myself. he’s not just an idol i may have a gigantic crush on but also a role model to me ^^

13. I’m taking you out on a date and it’s your choice. Where are we going and what are we going to do?

i’m a boring person so we’d go watch movies because i love movies and then we’d go get food and maybe bubble tea after, just walking around the city and talking ^^ either that or we’ll go to an amusement park!

14. Do you like sweet or savory foods?

normally savoury but these days i’ve been feeling sweet more often, not sure why

15. Do you have any band merchandise or merchandise from any of your favorite artists? If so, what?

I actually don’t lmao... I really want to buy a tbz album eventually though!

tagging: @ihearttbz @minfuwa @fluffytbz @renjunwrites @hyuckgasm @in-my-neofeelings @badwithten @jopping-to-my-kpop @moondustaeil @neo-cult-ure @127vevo @nzeeten @mae-gi-writes @tbzhours @atbzkingdom @chaoticdeobi @jenocakes  @sankyeom @byunbaekby + anyone who wants to do this ^^ just say i tagged you! 

( i just realised i tagged so many ppl omo but i rly wanna know how y'all will answer this questions! don’t feel pressured to do it though ^^ )