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tiny-sassy-aggressive · 7 months

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After watching We’re All Doomed, the comedy show by Daniel Howell, I need to take moment to write out how that show made me take a step back in my own life and evaluate progress and positive growth in my life as I realized that his timelines/feelings could be foiled in a meaningful way to my life. I was particularly inspired to write this while watching the scenes on the screen of the moments of joy people were experiencing. I swear I had chills and I started to tear up. As he spoke about not only embracing the void, but finding the courage to exist, but not just exist, but to live and find those moments of joy, I was reminded about how that moment in searching for why life was worth living was how I came (back) to Catholicism. I don’t intend this post to encourage others to or away from the Church. I simply was inspired by Dan to share how I got to a place of accepting that life is worth living and how I hope to move forward.

I want to first tw cancer, death, feelings of not wanting to exist, and mentions of suicide. Nothing is explicitly discussed in great detail but only mentioned. I have never written out my story before, barely talk about it even to this day. Tried therapy a few times but it wasn’t for me, but that’s neither here nor there. This is a safe space for me to share something I just wouldn’t with family and friends. Though, I must apologize in advance, like Dan, I talk/write way too much so this will be a very long post.

Thank you to all those who take the time to read my random story and I hope to hear from others how Dan’s story and/or show have affected you so we can share in those feelings as a community.

I am chronically depressed and anxious. Always have been as it runs in the family. However, the problem was my parents, or really, I should just say my mom because my dad was never around in an emotional capacity that mattered, didn’t necessarily believe in mental health. Sure they knew depression and anxiety were real, but those were just emotions people felt and there wasn’t anything to do but continue on and try your best to keep going no matter what. It’ll be fine, just keep moving and working, right? Well when I was 12/13 I was getting bullied really badly. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks before going to school, crying at night, constantly feeling nauseous, and worst of all, I would refuse to leave my moms side, so school got to be pretty difficult. My mom was fully aware of what was going on so she went in immediately and got the bullying handled (as much as she could, middle schoolers are brutal. It never really went away but it was less of a nuisance) but she did not understand why I still felt ill and didn’t want to leave her side. She found me a therapist and I went twice. I knew we had financial struggles and I started to feel better so I stopped going. I was still sad and scared but those were normal feelings, right? I could go to school and play my flute, talk to friends, and sure I was writing songs about being trapped in a cage and having no one hear my screams but I was just an edgy teen, I wasn’t depressed. That’s just me being me. No mental illness here! I’m fine. Spoiler alert- I was not fine and it was only going to get worse.

When I was 14 I found Dan and Phil! I was a huge o2l fan so I followed Connor Franta and he posted Internet Trivia with Dan and Phil and I absolutely fell in love with them and fell down the rabbit hole of their channels and the gaming channel. I loved them both but I definitely had a bias towards Dan because he wore all black and was edgy. Watching Existential Crisis for the first time gave me a phrase to the weird feelings I had. Both affirmed and disproved the fact I was mentally ill but I still didn’t have the words for it so I just thought I was mentally different from other people. Watching that video back with all the context of 2024 and 2024 Dan, that video covered an extraordinarily heavy topic but he never mentioned the word depression or mentally ill because, at that point, why would he? Since he was the only person who voiced those feelings that I also shared, I took them to heart, but I could only take those words to heart as I had no reference to infer what else all that meant. So I kept all my feelings to myself. After all, this guy said he had all these big feelings but was fine. Call me naïve, I was 14, so I believed I could be okay and still feel existential. It was normalized, plus nothing else in my life was being affected, I was doing well in school, I had friends, I had hobbies, I was fine. How could I complain?

A few months after the start my freshmen year of high school, my older brother was diagnosed with leukemia and everything changed. He was sick and had to stay in the hospital for months, one of my parents would always be at the hospital, and me and my little brother would visit on the weekends when we could. My mom really stressed the importance of keeping a normal schedule so we did. School, extracurriculars, piano, just keep moving and everything will be alright. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t cry. I had to remain okay, fine, an unbreakable force because I couldn’t have anyone worrying about me because we all had to worry about my brother. Which we did! I never wanted to be a burden or not okay because I wanted all attention and time focused on his wellbeing. I don’t remember talking to anyone about anything emotional. Sure as hell not my parents. Not my brothers. Not even my friends. So I watched videos and removed myself and all emotions from my being so I didn’t have to think or be.

When he was first diagnosed I felt lost and confused. So I did the one thing my private, catholic school taught me to do. I found God and prayed. Except, I can say certainly looking back, it was not a meaningful relationship I created. It was one forged in fear, confusion, and a misunderstanding of how to pray. Ironically, for a catholic school, they didn’t know how to teach someone to come to God, they just expected you to understand, but that’s beside the point and a different conversation. But that’s what I did! I prayed, every morning and night, Lord, Please heal my brother. Please. Tried devotionals I didn’t get, muttered words I didnt understand, and played the part. I watched everyone else around me do it so I did it too, to the point where I believed I needed to be perfect or else my prayers would fail, which, I cannot express enough, was not the appropriate mentality, but that’s what I thought was necessary.

About 7 months later, my brother was in remission and he came home! He was okay! We got through the summer, he came back to school, we were in band and choir together again. It was fun!! We were all okay again. The dark spots in my head were still there but they were probably just left over from how scary last year was. How could I not be happy with my brother back home and alright again. At this point, my prayers were answered so I slowed down my prayers. I was okay so I felt as if I did not need my relationship with God as intensely anymore because I felt fine. Plus, when I was sad or scared those were just normal reactions that were not taking over my life so why dwell on them.

In 2017, Dan released Daniel and Depression. And I don’t exactly remember my reaction. But at that point in my life, I remember coming around to the idea that maybe I was not as mentally sound as I thought. But even listening to what he had to say, I was still convinced I was not depressed, I was just traumatized from what had happened to my brother and to my family. I had spent that time living through hell and I never stopped, I did not lay in bed wallowing, I didn’t not brush my teeth or not take care of myself. I was a high functioning nearly straight a student through and through. I was not depressed.

I don’t know why that was such a dirty word for me. Or maybe it wasn’t a dirty word, but it was something I didn’t want associated with myself. My school didn’t believe in mental health because all you had to do was pray and “you can’t be depressed and be with God” - Which by the way is completely inaccurate and harmful for young people to grow up learning. On the other hand, my parents lived in a hospital with my sick brother for months, I shouldn’t be depressed or talk about the weird sadness I was experiencing after everything they went through. It’d be selfish of me to not be alright.

Two months after Dan posted his depression video, my brother got sick again, the cancer came back. I prayed fervently once again. Knowing it worked once it could work again. Every morning and every night in the depths of my dark room where no one could see or hear because everyone else in my family was not religious or was too angry at God to believe. I put it on myself to pray and to be good so he can be healed again. But I failed. He died 4 months later on my 17th birthday. Years later, a therapist would tell me that happened because he didn’t want me to forget about him, well jokes on the therapist I was never going to forget anyway. I failed, it was my fault he died. If I prayed more, if I was a better person, if I just focused I could have saved him. But I wasn’t enough, I was not good enough to save him. This wasn’t true, of course, nor how religion/prayer works. But I didn’t know what else to do or think. So I blamed myself. I wasn’t even there when he died. My parents told my little brother and I that he wasn’t ever coming home and a few days later, on my birthday, we went to school and when my dad picked us up from school he drove us home and my mom was sitting there and that’s when I knew. My little brother was so cute, he later admitted he just thought my mom had come home to see me for my birthday but I knew immediately. I still don’t know how my dad just picked us up that day and didn’t say anything.

A part of me died that day. How could it not have? It was a strange night. We cried. I ate a pre-bought cupcake. My brother went to lacrosse practice and the next day we both went to school. Because that’s just what we did. We just kept going. Let me tell you, you’ll get the strangest looks from people when they see you at school after they just heard over the loud speaker that your brother had died the previous day. Because really, what were we doing there? We were the highest functioning traumatized students you had ever seen. I was only 2 minutes late to my first class of the day, math. I went to the chapel in the school with my really close friend to cry and listen to adoration music and just wonder why, why, why? 2 minutes wasn’t too bad, the teacher was surprised to see me and I failed the math quiz we had. She was nice, she offered to not have me take it, but I was already there and it was math quiz time so I took the quiz. She let me redo it too. She was nice, I needed it. It felt normal so I felt fine.

And that was all the rest of the 2018 school year was. Fine. Went to class, studied, did my extracurriculars, performed in all the shows, hell, I even went to prom with said super close friend from earlier. It was obvious I was traumatized and sad but how could I not be? But I was doing everything a normal student would be doing so what was the problem?

The problem was I felt alone, hell, I was alone. My family was broken, shattered into a million a pieces. My dad was distant, my mom cried, my bothers and I weren’t talking in any meaningful way. I talked to one person, the guy who held me in the chapel the day after my brother died and who took me to prom. I loved him, we loved each other. He was the only person who I felt actually saw me. I always had some barriers up but I felt free with him and I know he just wanted me to be okay even in the midst of tragedy. We were friendly for 2 years but we got close right before my brother was diagnosed again. Those months meant so much to me and I thought we would always be close. But 1 month after my brother died. He told me he did not want to continue our relationship or friendship. He said I was too much to handle or had too much going on. In all honesty, I don’t remember his exact words because I most definitely mentally blacked out. And he broke what little part of me was left.

(About 2 1/2 years later he ended up calling me and after not really speaking to him at all since that moment, I picked up, more out of curiosity then trying to rekindle anything. He told me that, unbeknownst to me back in 2018, he went to our Moral Theology teacher (yes- private catholic school) to ask for advice because he saw how much pain I was in and he did not know how to help me. Instead of this teacher, a literal adult, going to our schools counselor, my mother, or even me and addressing this 17 year old boys concerns about ME, he told him that he should just give me space because of the mental weight of the tragedy I was living through. His advice to this boy was to essentially isolate me. Looking back, I do feel bad for this boy. He tried so hard to do the right thing for me but didn’t have the right directions. And on the other hand I am so mad at the teacher because that was the worst advice he could have ever given ever. Thanks! Real talk though, I loved that boy and he always meant the world to me. We didn’t keep in touch afterward that 2020 conversation but I kept tabs on him through mutual friends and he always listened to my music on Spotify. He went through a tough time and he committed suicide in 2022. I really do miss him and wish things were different for all aspects of his story, my story, and what might have been our story. It felt wrong to exclude his memory in this post because he truly played such a crucial role and he meant so much to me even years later)

Back to 2018, after he abandoned me. I was completely and utterly alone. And now, I feared opening up at all to anyone because I didn’t want to be perceived as the burden I truly was. So I swallowed every once of trauma, depression, and anxiety so I was perceived as a functioning, fine, human being who didn’t need anyone to worry about her. I didn’t want anyone to worry or care for me because they thought I was fragile or broken because I now had proof that I would become too much to handle and that anyone would just leave me just as he had. And that was it. I smiled, I laughed, I spent the next year completing every senior year milestone and graduated high school. And I didn’t feel one emotion. I was fine.

Summer 2019 was when things started to shift a bit and here’s where I think the foiling begins. For one, Dan had just released Basically, I’m Gay and he started to live his truth being out of the closet. I truly don’t want to nor feel like I can comment anymore on this topic because that was his own personal journey and I don’t want to speculate on anything he said. He did so quite clearly and explicitly. But the point I am making was that in the middle of 2019, he began living his truth. This one thing he didn’t talk about that is so quintessential to his character was now a public part of him and he got to experience that joy of being out. There was a shift in his character, anyone who watched his video could tell, he was happy, he seemed excited. He went to pride, did promotional videos, and he just seemed like he was living in a brighter light. It was beautiful to watch and I’m grateful he let us share in those moments of joy with him.

Before I get too deep into this section, I want to preface and state that I do not remember large chunks of time between 2018-2021. All the trauma and depression have made me forget nearly everything, and it’s a very weird sensation to have little to no memories of 3/4 years of time. I can recall general feelings and most memories I can see are from a third person pov so I can see what was happening, but I see it happening to me, not me actually experiencing the memory.

For me, summer 2019 meant leaving for college. Now, in hindsight, I made a major error. I was going to the same college my brother had been at before he died. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I thought it was a good idea but the school gave me money so I would have been a fool to take on more student loans than necessary, plus, I knew I wanted to transfer the next year and move half way across the country so I had an end goal in sight, just had to get through the year.

I also started to go to church again. There was a cute little church about a half mile down from my school so it was an easy walk. I don’t consider this change/new addition a mistake, but I do often wonder what was I thinking exactly. I don’t recall my exact process but remember two dueling trains of thought. For one, I still 100% felt weird about religion/God because I blamed myself for my brother dying because I wasn’t praying enough and wasn’t good enough to save him. But on the other hand, I did not feel right to never enter a church again and a part of me wanted to return because it felt like the right thing to do. I spent my entire formative years at a private catholic school. I knew all the prayers, scripture, the saints (I was confirmed taking St. Rose Philippine Duchesne), and my senior year religion class was dedicated to teaching us how to explain/teach the faith to non-believers. And I believed in all of it! I had faith, so how could I not be going to church. Call it guilt, or whatever you want to call it, but I couldn’t turn my back on the church after everything I had learned so I went back. It was the truth I believed in and the truth I wanted to live by. I told myself that eventually I would just feel better, I’d continue to pray to heal and keep going through the motions until it stuck. At this point, I had fully embraced the void I was living in. I accepted that I was depressed, I accepted that I was depressed long before the trauma began so I was battling undiagnosed depression alongside the after effects of the trauma, and I accepted that I am an incredibly anxious person. That was alot for an 18 year old to take in but I finally accepted what my truth was. I admit it and that’s the first step right? I know I am mentally ill so I started some therapy, and I continued going to church and praying because every thing I read and was told said those were the best things I could do to help myself. So things could only get better from here, right?

Not necessarily. The end of 2019 flew by and before we knew it we were in the throes of a global pandemic. Within 3 months in 2020, my parents divorced (finally), my grandmother died from the same cancer that my brother had which was sick was twisted if you ask me, and my mom, little brother, and I moved half way across the country. Oh and I transferred colleges in all that too. Besides every single bad thing we experienced, moving was supposed to be our new start. A new place, new schools, new adventures. No longer living in the state with every bad memory we had or the house we essentially grew up in. It was new and fresh, almost the perfect situation to start a mental health journey in, besides the recent trauma I still don’t think I have processed fully and a global pandemic. I just thought I would be getting better.

I remember the part of We’re All Doomed when Dan mentioned 2019 being so important because he started to live his truth and I felt so similarly. I thought once I accepted what was going on in my head I’d feel better. But then 2019-2021 for both of us seemed to be one of our worse times mentally, which is oddly terrifying because of the emphasis that was present on wanting to feel improved.

Between 2019-2021, I struggled with the concept of existing. I did not understand why I was here and others weren’t, what I was meant to do, and why I was meant to do it. I didn’t want to exist. I simply didn’t have the energy. I couldn’t conjure up emotions, nothing real anyway. I just felt nothing. I never felt suicidal, never did anything to harm myself, never wanted to. I knew and continue to know that I never wanted to die. I really just wanted to feel quiet, numb, not of the earth and those are very scary feelings. I could barely put them into words for when I talked to my therapist but I tried, but all she could tell me was to find distractions for myself. Distract, distract, distract, well that’s all I’ve been doing and I don’t feel better. I listened to music, wrote music, talked to my mom, pray, do my class work, scroll through social media, but what then? When alls said and done, the music is off, the conversation is over, the work done, the phone turned off, I was left with myself and I didn’t even recognize her. My mom said she saw a light in my eyes she hasn’t seen in a while but I had no idea what she was talking about. Whatever was on the outside wasn’t being transferred to the inside because I didn’t even know who was staring back at me in the mirror. I just knew she didn’t want to be here anymore. So what now?

When Dan showed us the calendar with the little emoji emotions over the days of the month, I swear my heart stopped for a moment because it reminded me of what I started doing for myself during that same time period, that very same year he was referring to in the show. I had downloaded this app, Hallow, it’s a catholic prayer app. Scripture, guided prayers, saints stories, the whole nine yards. I liked the little guided prayers. Helped me focus I guess. And every night I’d ask for the same thing. To feel better. To be healed. It also had a little section where you could track your mood for the day so I started doing that everyday. I wasn’t thinking too hard about it I just hit the emoji I felt and moved on. Until I started noticing a pattern of hitting, sad, anxious, worried, or unsure. Soon enough I had months upon months, just days filled with those same emojis. When I actually took a step back, just like Dan did, to stare at how my months were covered in little sad emojis it broke me more than I thought it ever could. Was this all that was left for me? Days that left me feeling dejected and dark? Why wasn’t anything I was doing enough to make me feel better, to make me feel something for my life, for this world around me. Every night pleading the same questions to God, why, why, why? Just begging to be healed.

One day in 2021, I felt hopeless, I was tired, drained, and I truly did not know what to do. I just wanted to feel. So I stopped begging God to fix me and I started talking instead. And I talked and talked about everything and nothing all at once. I told Him about my day and what had happened. I told Him about the little anecdotes, my classes, the walk I went on. I told Him what I felt during the day, the big feelings and the little feelings. As I recounted my day and all the little details, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I felt lighter. For the first time in a long time, I was not focused on the big scary black hole of my mind, the void, I spent time talking about what my day had looked like and what I knew was on my schedule for tomorrow. It grounded me. And it was just that. I wasn’t focused on the void, I was focused on the living I was doing despite the void and there was something beautiful about that realization I have never been able to put into words until I watched Dan’s show. God was not not healing me because I did not deserve it or because I was so helpless, for it was only when I was at my lowest that I let myself let go and speak freely outside the confines of asking for the same thing over and over again without changing my mindset. It was only through those open ended conversations that I found and was confronted with the events of my life, no matter how big or small. The void, my depression, my traumas, whatever I want to call them, they are always going to exist, they are a part of my and I can’t change anything about that. But my life, my 24 hours a day, that time will pass regardless of if I choose to dwell on the darkness or not, so might as well spend my time enjoying the light that clearly exists as well. So that is what I started to do.

It is a choice that I have to make each day when I wake up. To decide to be an active participant in my life rather than a passive bystander. But like all things, it’s an attitude that can be learned, adapted, and over time it did not feel like a chore to make that choice, but a pleasure. For once, I started to look forward to the future and excited for what I could do. I found a church where I could attend mass so I would stop sitting in my room and watching online, I started to push myself to make plans outside my comfort zone and learned to not just like my own company, but enjoy the silence of being alone. The one project I am particularly proud of is my second Instagram account dedicated to romanticizing my life. Everyday, for now nearly 2 1/2 years, I have posted a photo on that account of the places I’ve been, clothes I’ve worn, and experiences I have been on. It’s my own personal photo diary proving that I have been living and that I will be continuing to live.

Photos and daily reflection have been the cornerstone of my improvement which was why that segment of Dan’s show impacted me so greatly. Each small clip he shared was probably only a second or so long but each moment held such great joy and emotions that could not be contained. It was and will continue to be a reminder that there will always be moments of joy and moments of happiness that will exist even in the face of adversity, we just have to work to see them, and choose to accept them as our own. Some days can certainly be harder than others, but after years of feeling nothing but the heavy weight of despair, even just the memories of joy are enough to encourage me to move forward. I’m alive for a reason and I believe and trust in God’s plan for me, so I choose and, now, feel empowered to continue on.

Dan was right when he said that we are all doomed. And there is this void in my life that I have learned to embrace and not just ignore. But this life was not meant to be survived, but to be lived. And I, now, have the courage to choose to live everyday.

Thank you to @danielhowell for sharing a part of yourself with the world. For creating a show that encourages us to acknowledge every part of our lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, and to show the importance of embracing every aspect of our lives while we continue our journey. Thank you for encouraging me to share my story and my journey through mental health. I have never shared my story like this before and it has been an unbelievably cathartic experience and I feel renewed in my promise to continue to choose to live.

Thank you🖤

#dan and phil #dnp #daniel howell #dan howell #danisnotonfire #dan and phil renaissance #we’re all doomed #embrace the void #have the courage to exist #embrace life #finding purpose #catholic #catholiscism #mental health #mental illness #how to be a human being #we aren’t alone #thank you

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2n2n · 10 months

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Could you do an analysis of the TBHK theme song. The lyrics seem like it’s Tsukasa talking to Hanako.

No. 7? Well, I'll say that... I don't know how much we can analyze anything made by anyone other than AidaIro themselves. Many anime explicitly don't follow the story beats of the manga as they progress, as they can't spoil the manga's story, and must develop separately. I'm not sure, case by case, what a crew is given to work with. For manga like FMA or Black Butler, the anime (FMA's 2003 anime) becomes completely and utterly different, and couldn't lampshade later arcs or even central themes for major characters. Nothing about those anime would really help you understand the manga, because the writing teams are different.

even when looking at the manga, one can't scrutinize a piece of dialogue without looking at the original japanese iro-sensei themselves wrote, where implications could be different.

While we do know AidaIro typically are very involved with things like cafe events and the anime's casting, I just don't know how much a hand they'd have in something like the lyrics to the opening song ... or what that artist was given/told by the staff? The lyricist is ANCHOR (Hiroki Suzuki) , who just does lyrics and/or compositions for many unrelated productions, as you'd expect. I don't know how ANCHOR works. I'm not really qualified to look into their production, though they seem to have an instagram.... not much there though.

NOW, I will say, the musical rendition of JSHK did a lot of atmospheric and loaded things (mostly in its choreo and staging) which felt backed-up by the later manga, outside of what the play was presenting. So, that at least made me wonder if Iro-sensei discusses things like general themes, Tsukasa's role, etc.... without maybe discussing incredibly specific story beats? I'd believe that Iro-sensei's writing is rich in themes and a very core direction that could be conveyed to the team, given to work around.

The lyrics of the anime are loaded with appropriate meaning that has only become more valid in the continued context, and also make me personally feel insane about my own theories, because it kind of supports them. But why or how? I have no idea. *cries*

I think you're right that it sounds like Tsukasa's perspective. Urging for a different outcome, to try again, change fate, or perhaps let it all happen just the same, all over again-- a want to see how this story could end, beckoning and pulling. Observing the repetition of suffering. I particularly like ah... "no scythe for grass that doesn't grow" which is a fun spin on the typical "the nail that sticks out is hammered down". Very Hanako's original philosophy, isn't it? Sticking to the laws and confines in which he is trapped.

Now, I personally am distracted that the cut opening talks about 'Seven faults, incomplete' (makes sense-- the 7 mysteries are all merely kaii blessed with one piece of a central God, whom power is returning to-- an incomplete entity)-- but the FULL song starts singing about "the eighth" and begins saying "eight faults, incomplete" ...

一か八か綱渡りって　八番目は無いだろ？四苦で八苦さ　引く手数多七転んで　罰が当たるおいでおいで　奇々怪々我が身八癖　未だに不完全で未完成だから踠いてるんだ

plays-on-words suchas 一か八か & 八苦

Most of the mysteries names contain a reference to their number, and suspiciously, Yashiro's name also has a number tucked into it, eight 八.

But why of all things would so much emphasis on 'eight' be in the ANIME OP??????????????????????? WE'RE 100 CHAPTERS IN AND WE HAVEN'T TOUCHED ON 'EIGHTH'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel crazy enough, referring to Nene-chan as a possible 8th mystery-- containing another fragment of the God, blessed somehow, bestowed power, by-- what-- Tsukasa????? How when??? But, I do think something is true! I do think she's tied innately to the mysteries! If you destroy them all, you'll destroy her! She's clearly a human who couldn't be alive without the mysteries! Could Tsukasa, the well God, be why Nene-chan is alive at all?

I would personally love to see somebody fluent in Japanese do a nice in-depth paroozal of the lyrics! I really don't feel I can. I can barely scratch the surface. There is a lot of poetry and symbolism in things like song lyrics which can be very difficult to ground.... I wouldn't be able to identify anything.

.... and as I said... I wouldn't know how much meaning to take from it.

for now it only makes me feel slightly insane

I'm sorry for the post's low quality

#avvy's JSHK

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captaingondolin · 3 months

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Get to know me tag game!

tagged by @corelliaxdreaming

I am constitutionally incapable of being brief ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

1. Do you make your bed?

Usually not. Sometimes I think it will magically make me feel better about life. Or help me not fall back into it (spoiler: it doesn't work)

2. Favorite number?

Even numbers. 5 and its multiples are on thin ice.

3. What’s your job?

Used to be librarian, currently an archeology student (shout out to my mother for the help, to my depression funk that meant I spent next to nothing during my last two years at work, and to the fact that I moved to a place where normal humans don't need faustian deals to afford higher education)

4. If you could go back to school would you?

See above. I am also an anxious mess who cannot do deadlines, so the dream would be just attending lectures forever without doing exams/essays (which I think in my home country you could technically legally do, since unis are public, you only pay if you enroll. but it might be outdated info)

5. Can you parallel park?

No license yet (and I'm An Old). Don't judge, I used to live in London, and currently I'm in a weird spot with figuring out where I'm living long term.

6. Do you think aliens are real?

Same as what Katie said, not sure about humanoid aliens, but the universe is vast and there must be life somewhere else.

7. Can you drive a manual car?

See above. But I live in Europe, most people use manual, so that's what I'll learn.

8. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Guilt was invented by the catholic church to sell more confessions.

9. Tattoos?

I have a whole list. I promised the very first to my child self (it will be Alexander the Great themed). But.

There's an ongoing thing with my mother - I know she has no say over my body and it's not my responsibility if she chooses to take my decisions as a personal attack. However, she's one of the best people I know about literally everything else (not just because we are related, mind you, I can and have told family to fuck right out of my life), so for a long time I hemmed and hawed about it, because I wasn't sure it was worth risking a fight. Recently I got a nose ring and she has kept her mouth blessedly shut about it, so yay for progress (again, I am An Old, but mediterranean mothers are just Like That. In her defence, she outright told me she is making an effort to treat me as an adult and a peer and I can see her really working on it).

10. Favorite color?

the colour of the sky

Orange. I'd pull off the pilot flightsuit. And pink, I adore all shades of pink!

11. Favorite type of music?

Currently in a months long standoff with my brain, who thinks music is evil and out to get him (because we're not having feelings right now) but I can occasionally spoon feed him Hazbin Hotel. ♫⋆ CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE POISON, YOU'RE FEEDING ME POOOISOOOON, ADDICTED TO THIS FEEEEELIIIIIN' ♪ ₊˚♬

...sorry.

If things are good, literally everything, but I love musicals (Legally Blonde got me through uni last time), metal (D'Artagnan is the latest band I discovered) and everything in the folk, folk metal, country, sea shanties, pirate metal kind of rhythm, and classical music (Verdi can so get it. and Mozart, baby Gondolin's first crush). Oh, and tango and early 2000 pop. Hardstyle if I'm in a writing fugue. I used to only dislike slow ballads and acoustic remakes, but I was recently personally attacked by Avril Lavigne with the Bite Me acoustic. And tbh I listen to Hozier, I should have known.

Shoutout to Inti-Illimani, I am contractually obligated to tell people about chilean protest songs-andean folk legends, listen to them.

12. Do you like puzzles?

Nope.

13. Any phobia?

Mice. Most houses I lived in while in London had mice, and seeing glimpses of tail and little feet scuttling about in places like the fucking kitchen counter really did me in. I recently saw the tiniest, objectively cute, mouse outside (at an archaeological dig, we'd disturbed him and not the other way around) and my heartbeat still got fucked. Meanwhile, I was chill with the HUGE centipede, the snake that slithered right past me, the geko, the turtles, spiders and all other wildlife, or even huge city cockroaches.

Maybe my phobia is shitty British houses, actually. Your walls and celings are not supposed to have holes, you know?

14. Favorite childhood sport?

Quitting. I wasn't into sports enough for me to want to go on and I couldn't give a rat's ass about competing. But I loved ice skating and judo. Skiing too (I grew up in the mountains, I know for a lot of people skiing is the epitome of luxury xD but I could have probably walked to a slope. Okay, maybe not walked, but.)

15. Do you talk to your self?

All the time, and my grandma used to be the same.

I used to give myself interviews when I was a kid, imagining myself as a famous author or filmmaker. Now sometimes I pretend I'm talking to my therapist. Or just straight up talk through things out loud, so it's easier to follow a single train of thought without thinking a billion things at once. Or I give myself little pep talks or go "godddamit, self" and I talk to objects a lot.

16. What movies do you adore?

The Lord of the Rings. All the Star Warses. Even the ones I don't love are fun. Rogue One is top tier but I need to be hydrated for how much I'll cry.

More recently the duology Les Trois Mousquetaires : D'Artagnan part I and II. I can't quite figure out if it's for the movies themselves (and the soundtrack, the soundtrack absolutely slaps), because I'm horrendously thirsty for the cast (I would let trauma-ridden, unwashed, long-haired Vincent Cassel straight up give me syphilis. He's so fucking good as the alcoholic trashfire that is Athos) or if it's because I adore the book and Dumas is part of my genetic makeup at this point.

17. Coffee or tea?

Coffee (currently drinking the cold brew of dreams). I don't like black tea, but herbal teas/infusions are fantastic. I have a hibiscus, apple, mint and berries one from Lidl that is the stuff of dreams (excellent cold too, I brew it for longer with a pinch of green tea and honey, then add some lemon and it's the shit). On the more bougie side, I have the biggest hard on for jasmine tea. Most places sell you green tea with a vague hint of jasmine, but the good stuff that comes in little balls is unparalleled, it smells like the flowers. Also good both hot or cold (again, brewed for longer with some honey or sugar and then I love it with milk or milk substitutes).

18. First thing you wanted to be growing up

Archaeologist 💖 librarian, writer, film director, and briefly F1 pilot.

Since I never know who to tag, I'm doing the last 5 mutuals who liked/reblogged something, because why not. Feel free to ignore this! @obiwong @reena-jenkins @silvergryphon @tothestarwarsandback @themonopolyhat

#ask #ask game #gondolin talks #my tag #corelliaxdreaming

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nanase-haru · 2 years

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{A.M.V.} Free!! x Uta no Prince-sama / Mamoru Miyano (Inspired): “Canon” (Second opening theme of Uta no Prince-sama Maji Love 2000%) {In that series, Miyano voices “Tokiya Ichinose”. This is not sung by “Tokiya” technically, but might give Tokiya’s image.} I used Miyano’s inspiration to make a Free!! A.M.V.! {It is my very first for this fandom, though I watched as it aired!}

Series: Free!! (C) Kyo-Ani “Canon” (C) Broccoli-Games / ELEMENTSGARDEN {Note: This is a FAN-work}

Characters/Pairs Featured: - RinHaru {Rin x Haru} - Rintori / NitoRin / RinAi {Rin x Aiichirou Nitori} - Ai x Rin x Haru as poly-ship or open relationships; (implied by the end) Feel free to view your preference!

My Commentary:

I would like to propose a Concept - Haru, Rin and Ai all have MULTIPLE HANDS. (This A.M.V. showcases the dynamics / story progression of all three; each of Haru and Ai with Rin, briefly, all acknowledging each other) Contains spoilers for: Free!! Seasons 1 & 2; {Rin; Haru; Ai scenes} “The Final Stroke” Part 2 start; but nothing specific from Final Stroke’s ending {Yet?}. (TFS Part 1 shows only in ‘scenic’ scene.) Others appear as support.

(Though I admit I am personally biased towards RinAi fandom-wise, I’ve also enjoyed the canon dynamic between Rin and Haru.) However, this work was partly made / inspired by an old mutual; this mutual really loved Rin+Haru dynamic too, so this is made in support! {They also like everyone as friends, as do I.} I’m not able to make much for this fandom usually (in the past, I did briefly rp {role-play} Ai, but do not actively write fic or anything much outside rp) but for the most part, this A.M.V. was very fun to make! Happy 10~ years anniversary to Free!! Time Spent: - About an hour and 30 min on the 1st verse + chorus. - Almost 4 and a half hours / a whole evening on the rest. - I am not even kidding when I say this thing must have crashed my editor (Windows Movie Maker... it’s an older version, sigh) at least x30+~50 times while attempting to finish Nitori’s scenes timing and the ending. As a result, this is technically a “first draft” (I know ending’s bit rushed, but I tried!) until I can go back and add in more timings and scene cuts! (Someday!...) - My editor tends to crash pretty frequently if I attempt 50+ clips; sometmes even after 20~ clips or so. This one has just about 40 clips, with bonus KyoAni’s own timings helping to smooth out the rest! - Sub-titles cannot be included at this time; I apologize! (However, lyric{s} below the ‘read more’!) It is recommended you view them in full (or in sections) before watching! - If you watch, I’d really love to hear your thoughts; I put a lot of effort in!

Summary:

“I only swim FREE!.” - Haru

... DO YOU?

“I feel so useless.” - Ai

“A sight you’ve never seen before...”

{Lyric[s] Preview!}:

Distant feelings on a {‘SILENT’} hill, … all of my love… (Get ready!)

“Do not tremble in this cruel world…” Through the kiss of a song, better than thousands of words

We can give something up ({I} swear to you) Just to live in this moment (Hold my hand) For your sake and for mine, we’re ready to take off now…together!

“SO, let’s GO!”

Your beloved voice becomes a powerful impulse That makes dreams reality As our heartbeats synchronize… Ah, exceeding even miracles, (Feel your song!) Up among the stars, (Feel my song!) Until that dream Reaches the unseeable FUTURE, I’ll PLAY this song! {“Free”}

I was scared of truth’s LIGHT…

(Lyric{s} via Uta-pri Wikia!)

“Canon” (description via Wiki): {no, not the fandom term.} In music, a canon is a contrapuntal (counterpoint-based) compositional technique that employs a melody with one or more imitations of the melody played after a given duration (e.g., quarter rest, one measure, etc.). The initial melody is called the leader (or dux), while the imitative melody, which is played in a different voice, is called the follower (or comes). The follower must imitate the leader, either as an exact replication of its rhythms Rand intervals or some transformation thereof. Repeating canons in which all voices are musically identical are called rounds. (For the meaning behind the title / theme!) {In the A.M.V., I semi-relate (if vaguely) this theme to all three characters; plus, more directly, make the comparison to Haru + Free!! AND Relay Medleys.} (There is vague inspiration from the original Uta-pri as well, but not intended directly comparable.)

The final chorus of the A.M.V. is one I had in mind ever since first hearing this song way back around Apr 2k13, when the second part of Uta-pri aired. It may be slightly more modified in a “final” version, but for the most part!...

Lyric[s]:

Distant {“Haruka”} feelings on a silent hill, all of my love… (Get ready!) [Haru <-> Rin] (+Haru; specifically...) “Do not tremble in this cruel world…” Through the kiss of a “song”, better than thousands of words We can give something up (I swear to you) Just to live in this moment (Hold my hand) For your sake and for mine, we’re ready to take off now…together! “So, let’s go!” Your beloved voice becomes a powerful impulse That makes dreams reality As our heartbeats synchronize… Ah, exceeding even miracles, (Feel your song!) Up among the stars, (Feel my song!) Until that dream Reaches the unseeable future, I’ll play this song! I was scared of truth’s light... [Ai -> Rin] Even at this great a DISTANCE, it’s too DAZZLING An unspeakable LONELINESS (No more crying) Thirsting for an impossible cure (Save my heart) [Ai <-> Rin] Since I met you, I’ve sworn to start living! The overlapping melodies of your voice seem to scorch my heart Resonating dreams echoing for eternity Like a sense of déjà vu, I knew today (Feel your love) A bloom of hope (Feel my love) An infinite rainbow Now our feelings are merging as we become one [Ai <-> Rin <-> Haru] The stars are waiting for the sky, they want to become a dream(?) The day will come when they bloom like a flower, and a rainbow awaits us on that day We’re ready to take off now…together! “So, let’s go!” Your beloved voice becomes a powerful impulse That makes dreams reality As our heartbeats synchronize… Ah, exceeding even miracles, (Feel your song!) Up among the stars, (Feel my song!) Until that dream Reaches the unseeable future, I’ll play this song! Feelings tied together on a shining hill…

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jerzwriter · 2 years

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Sunday Six

I was so excited to have enough WIPs in progress and felt enthusiastic enough to do a Sunday Six this week! 😊

I will say I'm missing Tobias & Casey terribly, and the final part of Friends will be out tonight, so I'm eager to get back to work on their HC since their wedding date is November 12th this year, and you know, my crazy ass wants to post their wedding fic on that date. lol

The Ethan/Kaycee smut sneak peek below is courtesy of @wanderingamongthewildflowers. I got your ask, and I'm doing it!

And I am going to keep exploring Eli & Zoe from WTD. The story has given me more excitement for writing than I've had in a long time, and I'm finding that spills over into my other work.

So enough rambling. I have a sneak peek at SIX upcoming fics below. I hope you enjoy them!

Unnamed Roleplay Smut | Open Heart, Tobias x Casey

Tobias was quick on Casey’s heels as she breezed down the stairs and into the kitchen. She was doing her best to conceal her amusement at his increasing exasperation. She popped open a plastic container of carrot sticks, offering him one before biting into one herself.

“I don’t understand why you’re upset,” he stated. “You know the rules. If either of us isn’t down for it, we don’t do it…period. No questions asked, no feelings hurt… so if you don’t want to….”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she interrupted, “It’s just… why do you get to be the doctor while I have to be the nurse?”

“Is this what this is about?” he gaped.

“Yes, and don’t you dare say because I’m the girl!”

Grandparents Day Part 3 | Open Heart, Tobias x Casey

With the excitement seemingly behind them, Vivian settled comfortably into her antique armchair. After a sip of the glass of ice water her son dutifully delivered, she fanned herself and set her eyes on Casey.

“Now, darling,” she spoke sweetly, taking the younger woman’s hand in hers. “I need to ask you, are you sure about this?”

Leaning against the sideboard, Tobias’s eyes went wide… he expected many things, but not this.

“MA!” he exclaimed. “Are you being serious here?”

“Shhh!” Vivian scolded. “Son, this conversation is between Casey and me. If your input is needed, we will consult with you. But I think we’ll do just fine without it.”

Vegas, Part 3 | Open Heart, Ethan x Casey

The song was coming to an end, and the effects of copious amounts of overpriced champagne were beginning to subside. She fixed her gaze on his unwavering eyes. She wanted to believe him. It wasn’t easy to push instinct to the side, but with those pools of crystal blue staring at her….

“You must think I’m stupid,” she whispered, nuzzling closer to his ears. “To believe you, after all this.”

“It sounds like you need some reassurance,” he replied, holding her closer. A moment passed as he worked up his nerve, then he lifted her chin. “Will this do?”

Unnamed Office Smut | Open Heart, Ethan x Kaycee

“Would you… would you just… stop,” the delightful sounds of her giggles began to fill the air, but there was nothing sweet about his intentions. One hand pulled at her lab coat as the other unbuttoned her blouse. His mouth was exploring her neck with such intense wonder you would think he had never done it before. The tickling of his beard along her sensitive skin turned the giggles into laughs, and she finally forced herself away.

“OK, stop, Ethan,” she smiled as she buttoned up her top. “We’re not doing this here.”

Undetered, his hands were on her waist, his lips feasting at the spot just below her ear.

“Stop,” he breathed, as his focus returned to rid her of her blouse. “It’s not as if we haven’t done this here before.”

“Yeah,” Casey grinned, weakening under his touch, “but that was before….”

Unnamed Smut | Wake the Dead, Eli & Zoe (Though this isn't really the smut part... lol... but it gets them there.)

She inhaled deeply as she pulled back her bowstring, releasing it only as her arrow flew toward its target… and missed.

“Damn!” she cursed, dropping her bow to the ground in frustration. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today! Thankfully it’s just practice, and we’re not fighting off drones.”

“But you may need to do that at any moment,” he answered gruffly. “So you have to figure out what the barrier is and fix it.”

Zoe’s expression began to fall, then she turned her eyes away. She wasn’t used to this. She was always on her game. Her cheeks flushed red as she tried to determine what was upsetting her more… that she was letting herself down or that she might be disappointing Eli. Then, as if he could read her mind, he was at her side.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re still one of the best snots in the colony,” he consoled.

With his reassurance comforting her, she looked at him with a mischievous smirk on her lips.

“Some would say I’m the best shot in the colony,” she winked.

His lips turned up with amusement, but he quickly shook it off, attempting to masquerade it as an annoyance.

“Well, some would be wrong,” he smirked.

Unnamed Crossover CrackFic| Ethan Ramsey, Thomas Hunt, Drake Walker, Eli Sipes, Tyril Starfury

“So, what are you in for?”

“Excuse me?” Ethan asked, annoyed that he was forced to look up from his book as they waited.

“I said what are you in for,” the tweed-jacketed man extended his hand, to Ethan’s horror, but he took it nevertheless. “The name’s Thomas, Thomas Hunt. And I could tell by the look on your face that you didn’t come here of your own volition either.”

“Ethan,” he replied. “You make it sound like we were sentenced,” he grumbled as Thomas shrugged.

Surrendering, Ethan closed his book with a deep sigh. “My boss… my mentor… he’s more like a father really… he insisted I come here… I need to knock down walls… I’m closing myself off… it’ll do more harm than good…” he mocked with a shaking head. “You’d think it was the goddamn end of the world.”

Both men turned their heads at the sound of loud scoff from the back of the room. Taking one look at the other man's attire, Ethan muttered under his breath.

“Maybe this is boot camp.”

Thomas did his best to contain a chuckle as he addressed the younger man.

“Thomas,” he nodded, “and you are?”

“Eli,” he stated flatly.

“And what was so funny, Eli?”

“Just what he said.”

“About?” Ethan asked.

“The end of the world,” Eli half-smiled. “Trust me, neither of you would survive."

Perma all: @a-crepusculo @aishwarya26 @animesuck3r @annfg8 @annoyingmillenialnewbie @bex-la-get @binny1985 @bluebelle08 @bluerosesbloom @cariantha @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @danijimenezv @different4strawberryrry @differenttyphoonwerewolf @doriopenheart @fayeswiftie @forallthatitsworth @genevievemd @inlocusmads @jamespotterthefirst @jennieausten @kingliam2019 @liaromancewriter @lilypills @lucy-268 @mainstreetreader @mysticalgalaxysstuff @ofmischiefandmedicine @onikalover @openheartforeverinmyheart @peonierose @peonyblossom @potionsprefect @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @schnitzelbutterfingers @secretaryunpaid @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @toadfrog26 @trappedinfanfiction @uneravine @youlookappropriate @zahrachoices @jerzwriter-reblogs-asks @choicesficwriterscreations

#sunday six #open heart #wake the dead #ethan ramsey #tobias carrick #eli sipes #choices fic writers creations #choices fanfic #playchoices fanfic #ethan ramsey x f!mc #tobias carrick x f!mc #eli sipes x f!mc #ethan x kaycee #tobias x casey #eli x zoe #coming soon

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canarydarity · 1 year

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hi !!! :D ask game time! i have a couple, but you don't have to answer all of them!<3 🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc. 🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately? and for the sake of you wanting to talk about your writing and get excited about it: 👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! (if you don't have one, ideas are cool too!!)

like i said, don't gotta answer all of 'em! only the ones you want toooo

hello!! :) you picked some of the best ones though,,

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

yes, always!! I always have music playing while I'm writing,,,and it will shock absolutely no one who's read my fics that if I'm writing team rancher there is an extremely good bet I'm listening to Strawberry Wine by Noah Kahan LOL that. song has been my top song on spotify. for like 4 months straight I am...very normal about it.

BUT other than that,,,I've also recently been looping Sea Legs by The Ballroom Thieves and Sailing by The Happy Fits when thinking about gtws, and Doomsday by Lizzie McAlpine when fic planning for a special project I will talk about answering the next question below...

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! (if you don't have one, ideas are cool too!!)

thank you,,thank you for asking me this one I am GOING to take this opportunity to ramble while I can,,

For a few weeks, I've been working on an au that I've been calling "Sentinel Species" (though I'm unsure if that's remaining the name) and it focuses on a bit of a different interpretation of the canary curse.

The core of it stays the same: Jimmy dies first. As for the mechanics it does lean harder into the idea of this being completely out of his control. So, the end is nigh the warning must go out and Jimmy is led to whatever it is that causes his demise as per the corresponding season—but not on his own volition, free-will disregarded.

That is just the base, though, the major difference is as follows:

I've seen Jimmy referred to often enough as a harbinger of death, but in some places that phrase is used to refer to someone who not only ushers death and disaster as the canary curse already does, but who also possesses a heightened sense of death or impending death. His own deaths don't count because they're not natural, they're pre-planned, but for everyone else in this game? With so many people dying all the time and in such ways? Jimmy's sensitive to that.

I'll provide an example before I say more: Jimmy returns to his little exile house below magic mountain session 6 of last life to set a boogey trap, and say Scar comes down to ask why he's returned. They're talking, and Jimmy stops to say, "sorry, could you speak up? I'm having a hard time hearin' you." For some reason, he cannot stop hearing the sound of running water. Later that session, Scar drowns, sending him to his red life.

It could be instinctual, just a feeling, or a hallucination, even— anything, really. Imagine it's like a radio station that only Jimmy is tuned into; the downside is that—if we're sticking with the radio metaphor—theres a lot of feedback, some things are lost to static. It doesn't happen all the time, and sometimes it doesn't happen linearly. The sense is not meant to be helpful; it's never a warning, purely an awareness. It's often non-specific and more unsettling than anything else, but once he starts putting the pieces together it becomes hard to ignore. So the au (currently) follows Jimmy through the three completed seasons of the life series where he's not just the canary, but also a harbinger of death in this sense. As time progresses, he starts to get the hang of what he's feeling and experiencing and what it all means, and being Jimmy he's bound to feel like he has to do something about it—the problem is, well, who would ever believe him?

Rambling done, thank you to anyone who read all of that nonsense <33 those are the au wip thoughts!! If you've seen Teen Wolf, think Lydia Martin banshee-esque, as that is admittedly where I got the idea.

#thank you so much for asking < 33 I appreciate it :)#if anyone has any questions about the au i will very gladly answer #i currently have like 7 pages of thoughts on this #and a playlist #i also spent longer replying to this ask than id care to admit #trying to figure out if i said engouh for this to make sense or not #ask game #sentinel species

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tranquilspot · 1 year

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[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.

[tell me if the track doesn't work]

Released August 9, 2009 by Kevin Regamey and Malcolm Brown The first ~50 seconds were used for this flash. Well that was a nice interlude. Showtime is such a memorable song, it appears later in different tracks, making it John's theme. Thanks to the Unofficial Homestuck Collection, some tracks even have the artist commentary! That's great, I'll be able to comment on it. Also, piano fingers go weeee~

Kevin Regamey: To be honest, I've fallen off the MSPA train pretty hard. This has undoubtedly been the busiest year (or two) of my life, and I am only now returning to reacquaint myself with what the heck is up.

Maaan if only I got more curious, I could have discover Homestuck way earlier. That wouldn't have change the fact that it already ended (or was about to) by the time I discovered Undertale first (back in 2016). Must have been wild to have experienced MSPA during its inception and golden age. That thing huge, so I understand it can be hard to keep up especially when you get off the train a while ago.

Malcolm wrote the chiptune version of Showtime first. I heard it, dug it, and created a piano arrangement just for the hell of it. Like Malcolm has said - earlier on, we didn't necessarily know what we were writing for, so we just wrote whatever spoke to us.

Creative process can be so various and unique from one person to another. They didn't really know in which direction or for what they were writing, but they did anyway. And the chiptune version came first! Crazy.

Tell me your secret guys, please 🥺

I had posted a "Work in progress" version to the music boards, and I received some positive feedback. Positive enough for me to elaborate it into a full piece.

Fuck yeah, MSPA really did sound awesome! Too bad it closed. I mean we've got MSPFA, but I bet for veterans it doesn't feel the same. Is there a similar platform currently existing? Like you post a wip and you got feedbacks then it motivated you to post the full work? No no I'm not talking about Deviantart, been there, done that. Twice. Twitter doesn't showcase art properly, and Tumblr isn't much for like and positive feedbacks, if any feedback really ToT I have put some of my fan art here, but how to get people interacting with it? That'd always been a mystery to me.

As luck would have it, Andrew was finishing up the first playable page of Homestuck just as I posted the full version. As such, I was lucky enough to have the honour of first musical appearance in Homestuck,

Giga chad energy, what a winner!

but most of the credit should certainly go to Malcolm - for defining John musically at such an early stage of the game, and for being the sole inspiration behind this track.

Man, don't discredit yourself! You still did great, you're on the podium even if you're not first place. Yeah, having the skill and honor of defining a character theme is on a different level. But horizontally I would say. There's pride on both. If the chiptune version is well-known and catchy, the piano one is an iconic powerful track, mixing nostalgia, aimless yearning and tenderness. So much emotion that left a mark in each of us. Later to be magnified by the organ pipe version, by da man, James Roach.

Oh, side note: My midi keyboard was misbehaving when I wrote this, so every note of the piece was clicked into a sequencer. D:

I'm not familiar with such programs, but putting them one by one sounds like hell. Rip x) —>

#homestuck #act 1 #homestuck reread #reread blog #john egbert #s flash #Bandcamp #artist commentary #commentary on commentary #kevin regamey #malcolm brown

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lilys42 · 6 months

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Bandmates (Josh Dun)- Chapter One

I wasn’t able to stop him before he smashed the guitar against the ground. It was his dad’s old acoustic, so he must be really pissed at me.

“You fucked up the entire song, Dani!” Lukas shouts.

“I told you I changed the lyrics last minute! It’s not my fault you couldn’t keep up.” Lukas slung his poor guitar against the pavement again until its worn neck splintered into pieces. He points what was left of the headstock at me with a look of hatred on his face, and our drummer, Flynn, steps between us.

“How about we all just take a breath? Dani, just admit you shouldn’t have changed the entire tempo of the song a day before our show so we can move past this.” Flynn’s feeble attempt to deescalate the situation wasn’t helping, only fueling the fire.

“Hold on, I cleared this with both of you. I’ve been telling you guys for a week I wasn’t feeling the song, and I gave you both the sheet music for it!” My voice began to rise too.

“No, no. You don’t get to make changes like that just because you’re the lead singer. Especially not when we haven’t rehearsed it. God, we made a fucking fool of ourselves out there!” Lukas drops the shattered remains of his guitar and puts his hands on his head, pulling at his hair out of frustration.

“Okay, I admit we should have rehearsed it. But come on, we talked about it. If you didn’t want to change the song, then why didn’t you speak up?” I argue. Both boys are silent for a moment, then Flynn decides to weigh in.

“That’s the thing with you. It’s all about what you want, and what you think is best for the band. It’s been that way for a while. Lukas and I both agree.”

“What do you mean?” My voice falters. I see where this is headed, and I shake my head. Flynn gives me a sympathetic look; his shoulder length hair being pushed around by the wind. He angrily tucks it behind his ears, then continues.

“Maybe it’s time we part ways. I mean, this is the third time just this week we’ve argued over something. We just…don’t see eye to eye anymore. We want to stick to the same old music we used to play, and now you’re trying to change that.” What? I always figured it would be boring if we stuck to the exact same sound and song progression that we started with five years ago.

“I write what I feel. Forgive me if I’m actually feeling happy for once in my life and want lyrics that reflect that. I want to be creative, different. And if you see something wrong with that, maybe you’re right. Maybe the band has run its course.” As I say the words, my heart splinters until I am nothing but a pile of emotions, resting beside the discarded shreds of Lukas’ guitar. I sink to my knees, ignoring the bite of the cold pavement against my bare skin. Lukas whispers something under his breath. I can’t quite make out the words, but I can tell they’re laced with the hate he feels for me in this moment.

“What did you say?” I urge. He turns his head to the side and locks eyes with me, his expression of loathing etching itself deep into my soul.

“I said, no one cares about your feelings, you stuck up bitch. You write what makes us money, or have you forgotten what pays our bills?” Tears spring in my eyes. But I refuse to let them fall. I refuse to let him win.

“Fuck you.” I stand up and rush back over to the back door of the venue where we left our instruments. I pick up my bass and cradle it to my body.

“Dani.” Flynn grabs my arm.

“Don’t.” I say, shoving him off. “Just go. Pack your shit up and go back to the apartment. I’ll be there tomorrow morning to get my stuff.” I pull out my phone and scroll through my contacts, searching for someone to call to come get me.

“Where are you going to go? And how? I’m not leaving you stranded out here in the middle of the night, Dani.”

“I’ll get Rhea to come get me.” Sure enough, she answers on the second ring.

“Hey dude! How did the show go? Sorry again I couldn’t come, but I couldn’t get a single person to cover my shift, and the manager would have my ass if I called out again.”

“I need you to come get me.” I face away from the boys, hoping the wind will drown out my vulnerability.

“What? Is everything okay?” Her usual chipper attitude is gone, replaced with pure concern for her best friend.

“Not really. We um…had another fight. But this one is bad. It’s really bad, Rhea.” I can’t stop the hot tears from flowing down my face. It takes everything in me to stay upright; all I want to do is scream and cry at Lukas and Flynn for how much they’re hurting me.

“Okay honey, just stay right there. I’ll be there in ten. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?”

“No, I’ll be okay. I’ll be waiting around back for you.” I sniffle and wipe away my tears.

“Hang in there okay? I’ll be there soon.” She hangs up, and I turn to face the boys again.

“God, don’t cry. It’s pathetic.” Flynn wipes a hand down his face, like he doesn’t know how to deal with my emotions.

“You’re both assholes.” They say nothing else, just load their gear into Flynn’s van and peel out of the empty parking lot. The last of the customers at the venue’s bar trickle out, laughing in a drunken haze and tripping over their own feet. Completely oblivious to my heartbroken self sitting by the door. I sit in complete silence once the laughter has faded. All alone with my thoughts- exactly what I’ve always hated.

Minutes later, Rhea’s car pulls up next to me.

“Uber for Dani?” She says in an attempt to lighten the mood. I can’t help it; I crack a smile. I lay my bass and amp in the backseat, then climb into the passenger seat next to her. She gives me the few minutes it takes to get on the highway back to her place to process, then asks,

“What happened?”

“The band broke up.” I say as bluntly as possible.

“What?!”

“Flynn and Lukas think I’m selfish for changing one of our songs. We fucked up in the middle of our set and Lukas lost his mind and smashed his guitar.” I recount the entire situation to Rhea, and she just stares at the road wide eyed.

“Jesus Christ. Lukas is more of an asshole than I thought. And Flynn called you pathetic? That’s unlike him.”

“I know. He was always the nice one that kept the peace between me and Lukas when we were at each other’s throats. But the past few weeks…he’s been downright mean. Those idiots were my best friends for five years. How can they just drop me so easily?” My tears fall anew. Rhea parks in front of her apartment and reaches over to wipe them away.

“I’m sorry, Dani. I know how much your band meant to you. Do you think you’ll try to find another band to play with?” Rhea asks. I get out of the car and stare up at the dark night sky as it starts to drizzle.

“I don’t know. I can’t even begin to think of starting over. What am I going to do, hold auditions?”

“I don’t see why not. Maybe we could go to some local shows and post some flyers or something.” She suggests. I smile at how much she’s instantly willing to help.

“There’s an open mic at a local bar tomorrow night. How about we go? I would say to stay away from all your usual spots for a while to avoid Lukas and Flynn, but we all know they can’t sing like you can, and nobody’s going to want to play with those assholes.” I chuckle.

“Sure. I need an outlet for all these emotions, and music seems like the only way. That or slashing Flynn’s tires.”

“Oh, we can do that too.” Rhea and I head inside, arm in arm. She puts on my favorite movie to make me feel better: Scream. And for the first time tonight, I stop thinking about my stupid bandmates.

#twenty one pilots #josh dun #tyler joseph

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fayewonglibrary · 1 year

Text

CRHK Radio Interview (2000)

(* SOME MINOR REVISIONS TO SPELLING / GRAMMAR / WORDING)

DJ: Actually it's quite rare that we get to talk to you face to face. Since you only release one album a year, we only get to see you during your promotional period. So Faye, what are your views on album promotions?

FAYE: Hmm… my view is that promoting is a part of my job. But I think for everything, there should be a limit. Don't need to do too much promotion.

DJ: Shouldn't be too deliberate, right?

FAYE: Yes.

DJ: What about some game shows where you need to go and "play" and be funny, and so on… Are those things you wouldn't like?

FAYE: Eh… it depends if the game is fun or not. I'm not totally against games, but some games are designed to deliberately make fun of people. I don't really like those. I can accept those that are fun. Also, it depends on who is in the game with me. Cause if I don't know anybody, maybe I won't feel relaxed.

DJ: It's like turning it into a job, right? FAYE: Yeah.

DJ: Ok, so in your last album "ONLY LOVE STRANGERS", it was mainly Mandarin songs plus a few Cantonese ones. Is this one going to be the same format?

FAYE: Yes, it will be the same.

DJ: 2 Cantonese songs? FAYE: Yes.

DJ: When will the new album be released?

FAYE: Mid to end of October.

DJ: Will there be a special theme?

FAYE: Theme? Eh... this album is called "FABLE." Because the whole album's lyrics are written by Lin Xi, the album title was also his idea. He thinks this album is like a book, especially the first five songs. I worked with Zhang Yadong on those songs… they have a cinematic feel. I think it has a movie soundtrack feel.

DJ: By saying 'worked with Zhang Yadong', does that mean you wrote the songs and he produced them?

FAYE: He arranged them and I wrote the melody.

DJ: Oh, all five of them? That makes up half of the album, right?

FAYE: Yes.

DJ: So who was responsible for the other half?

FAYE: Alvin [Leong]

DJ: So all the old work partners - Zhang Yadong, Alvin Leong, and Lin Xi. Faye, if you have been working with someone for a while, do you tend to continue working with them?

FAYE: Yes, if we work well together. I mean if we create some "new sparks" every time we work together, then we'll continue working together.

'POSTMAN' plays

DJ: Do you think one album a year is a good progress rate?

FAYE: Good? No, I don't think so. If there's a perfect rate, it would be no time limit. If I can use 10 years to make an album which I am very happy about, well, it's possible, but I can't do that. DJ: Because you're under contract?

FAYE: Yeah…

DJ: You don't like to be restricted by rules?

FAYE: Especially things that are related to producing music. It's not like producing a product from a factory. It needs inspiration and time. Inspiration doesn't come when you want it to.

DJ: You said just now there are five songs in the album that were written by you and arranged by Zhang YaDong. Under what circumstances were these songs written?

FAYE: Well... basically for the album, last year we started communicating and had this idea and started working.

DJ: Besides Zhang YaDong, Lin Xi is an "old working partner" too. Are you guys so familiar with each other that without much communication, he already guessed what you want?

FAYE: Hmm... usually when we work together, I won't give him any advice. I mean on what to write and so on. I usually won't say anything. I also think he wouldn't write something just because I want it. I believe he writes by the feeling of the music.

DJ: Maybe he's already thinking of something [a topic] before you gave him the song... something he thinks Faye will like?

FAYE: I think he will listen to the song before he will know the feeling.

DJ: He must be a fast thinker.

FAYE: Yeah, he's very fast. (laughs)

DJ: Besides these old partners, are there any other people who are interested in working with you?

FAYE: There's a new "partner" in this new album, Eric Kwok. He wrote one of the songs.

DJ: Did he approach you first?

FAYE: No, I invited him to write for me.

DJ: Because you think he is good?

FAYE: Yeah… he wrote "Happy Ferris Wheel" (Eason Chan's song). I thought it was well done.

'MORTAL WORLD' plays

DJ: Just now Faye said when Lin Xi writes the lyrics, you won't give him too much guidelines or advice. But for the album as a whole, would you just keep to the singing part or would you be taking care of every aspect of the album?

FAYE: I won't be responsible for EVERY little detail, but I will participate in determining the direction of the whole album, choosing songs, arrangements, and so on…

DJ: Will you listen back to the songs a lot afterwards?

FAYE: It depends…

DJ: You say when Lin Xi writes lyrics, he won't necessarily talk to you first, nor will he write according to you and your situation. How accurate do you think he is? [on capturing the feeling of your music]

FAYE: I think he uses different words and feeling to write songs for me and other singers. He will have a different feeling for different people. For example, he will decide if these words suit this person's music and style. There are some differences.

DJ: Were there times when the words of Lin Xi actually described what you wanted to say? Like your inner feelings?

FAYE: Hmm... my inner feelings? Hmm... I don't think it's that important. It all depends on if it fits in with the song and if the lyrics have meaning. It's not like you randomly put some words in it. Usually his lyrics have some kind of "deep meaning"... For example, "Last Blossom"… I think the lyrics are brilliant.

DJ: Some musicians/singers would have one song which describe their feelings/situations during that period. Do you want to do something like this too?

FAYE: Hmm... I did that before too, I mean I wrote lyrics before too. But it's a bit rare lately. Maybe I don't have much inspiration. (laughs) But I hope I can do that.

DJ: So sometimes you have some thoughts you want to express too, right?

FAYE: Yeah.

DJ: Many times in the media, a lot of people think that "oh this song must be what Faye is thinking". What do you think about these reports?

FAYE: Hmm… it doesn't matter. When the song is released for every one to listen to, it is out of my control already. No matter what they think or what they think the meaning is, I won't intervene or limit their imagination. And no matter what, as long as they like the song, whether it's the melody or the lyrics, I think it's ok already.

'RED BEAN' plays

DJ: Just now Faye said the most perfect scenario is there is no time limit or how many albums you have to release. So this album is about 1 year from the last album. How satisfied are you with the production this time?

FAYE: I'm quite satisfied with it.

DJ: Was there a time crunch?

FAYE: Yeah, actually it was quite rushed. Every album is rushed because once we've started, we'll begin with choosing songs and not every song is satisfactory. By the time we've chosen the songs, it's already time to rush. Actually, every album is like this.

DJ: If more time was given, would it be better?

FAYE: Yes.

DJ: Do you still get stressed out when you release an album now?

FAYE: No, I'm not. It's fate. As long as I tried my best, the rest is just fate.

DJ: You're very "see everything with a peaceful heart"?

FAYE: (laughs)

DJ: Last year, Faye released an English single in Japan called "Eyes on Me." It sold very well and even received some awards. Are you thinking of developing in the Japanese market?

FAYE: Actually an album was released in Japan too. This album will be too. I think I will go there for promotion.

DJ: You'll release the original Mandarin and Cantonese songs in Japan?

FAYE: Yes.

DJ: You won't sing any Japanese songs to suit their market?

FAYE: They didn't ask me to. I mean the record company in Japan didn't request for me to sing in Japanese.

DJ: Many Japanese seem to like you a lot. In some magazine polls, Faye is among the top rankings in the "favorite foreign singer" categories.

'EYES ON ME' plays

DJ: Actually in Faye's new album "FABLE", the first song that's plugged on the radio is a Cantonese song called "Love Letter To Myself." Do you like this song personally?

FAYE: It's ok…

DJ: I have a feeling that you like the Mandarin songs more than the Cantonese songs.

FAYE: Hmm… generally yes, but sometimes there are exceptions.

DJ: Is it because you grew up speaking Mandarin, so it feels more comfortable?

FAYE: This is one of the reasons and I think Cantonese lyrics are more difficult to write. It is very difficult to make it meaningful and beautiful.

DJ: So generally speaking, Mandarin lyrics are more beautiful?

FAYE: It's easier to make it beautiful…

DJ: In this "Love Letter To Myself" there are quite a lot of "lalala" in it. You said before that these "lalala" are sometimes not written by Lin Xi, but they are thought up by yourself. So this time, was it Lin Xi's idea or yours?

FAYE: He thought of it. Cause he didn't write any words for that part, he let me "lalala" that part.

DJ: There are some reports saying that this song reflects Faye's feelings, what do you think?

FAYE: Hmm… actually this song is about encouragement. Encouraging people not to fall apart for love. I think I agree with this. I mean I hope everybody, and it's the same for me, will not be too down or despair over these matters. You have to stand up again. I think every one will agree that this is the right attitude. But it's quite difficult when you come to it. So I think that it can be said to be my feeling, cause I agree with it. But I disagree with the press saying that the words are pointing to a particular person.

DJ: So you mean everybody should love themselves. It's not about any particular person…

FAYE: Right.

'LOVE LETTER TO MYSELF' plays

DJ: Besides recording your album and doing concerts, will you listen to other people's albums?

FAYE: Not a lot lately. But I always watch music programs. So I'll see a lot of new MVs. I will know what's happening. But I very seldom listen to whole albums.

DJ: Does your daughter listen to your music?

FAYE: Yes, she will. She won't usually, but when it's on TV, or when I'm doing a show, I'll bring her.

DJ: Does she know how to sing your songs?

FAYE: Yeah…

DJ: Did she learn by herself? Or did you teach her?

FAYE: She learned by herself... followed along…

DJ: She's now 3?

FAYE: Yeah.

DJ: Do you think she has musical talent?

FAYE: Her? Yeah, I think she does, she has a good sense of rhythm and is sensitive to music.

DJ: Sensitive to music meaning when she hears a song she can catch the melody quickly?

FAYE: Yeah…

DJ: Which of your songs does she like best?

FAYE: She likes to sing "la ja bor" the most... she always sings that…

DJ: Is it because the melody is easy?

FAYE: I think so... maybe…

DJ: And maybe the lyrics are easy to understand?

FAYE: Yeah, maybe.

'FUZAO' plays

DJ: Sometimes others get the feeling that Faye doesn't like to talk much. But when you are with your fans, are you close with them?

FAYE: No, not close at all.

DJ: Do they email you?

FAYE: I don't use computers (laughs)

DJ: So you don't have a close connection with your fans?

FAYE: No… I can say I have none at all.

DJ: You don't have any??

FAYE: First of all, I'm not used to having close communication with my fans. I don't think it's necessary. And I don't think there's a good channel for that.

DJ: Maybe there are too many of them, you don't know who to respond to…

FAYE: But I know there are a group of fans who really love my songs and music. If I go to other places, like South East Asia, Singapore, and so on to promote and hold concerts, they will write to me and I will feel very happy and rewarded after I read their letters. Because when there are fans who really understand you, not just ask you what you like and so on... they actually communicate with me about my music and they are very supportive in this aspect. I feel very rewarded. I didn't reply to them and say thank you. But I will thank them by making better music.

DJ: Although you didn't reply them, they can still feel your gratitude through your music.

FAYE: I hope they can feel it. They told me 'you don't need to communicate with us or see us or anything, as long as you create more good music, we'll be very happy'.

DJ: They understand you.

FAYE: Yes, you can say they are my "soul mates". You know, there's a difference between fans and "soul mates".

DJ: So they don't need to be crazy about you, as long as they understand you, it's good… I think Faye must feel that music is the best way to share her thoughts with them. And I think Faye's "soul mates" will choose this method of communication. Thank you, Faye!

FAYE: Thanks!

——————————————————————

SOURCE: COMMERCIAL RADIO HONG KONG // TRANSLATED BY: LEE JAN

#2000

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folktotech · 2 years

Text

youtube

A Case of You by Joni Mitchell is one of the best songs ever written.

It is the best love song ever written. Mitchell perfectly encapsulates what it is like to know that love is fizzling out, taking the rose colored glasses off and putting them back on when it is appropriate. It demonstrates how the concept of "falling" in love can be so dangerous, as stated so eloquently in the book All About Love by the late Bell Hooks. You must have critical thinking skills, which includes knowing when to let go instead of falling into the abyss of love. "A Case of You" is an homage to her hometown, her past lover(s?), and her own strength and power. "If you want me I'll be in the bar." Come on. What a badass thing and a CORRECT thing to say to a man who describes himself as "constant" when you know this relationship is splitting apart at the seams. You can't save this now. I'm going to the bar.

How bittersweet it is to love. "You're in my blood like holy wine, you taste so bitter and so sweet." Has anyone ever demonstrated the Starbucks-coffee-when-they-make-your-drink-wrong feeling that is love so perfectly?

"I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet." Oh how similar love is to drugs. Oh how we love to compare the two. Mitchell could drink a whole case, never get enough, and still take the rose-colored glasses off. That takes a strong, strong person. The self-awareness and relatability that Joni emits through a stripped back accompaniment, speech like and soaring vocals, and lyrics that read like beautiful prose make this the best love song ever written.

The progression of the song through the years and the way Mitchell performs it as she ages adds another layer of beauty to this piece. It gets vocally deeper and more reflective as she ages. It has longevity and the ability for other singers to make it completely their own. (See Prince's sensual and aching rendition and James Blake's reflective, sputtered out, conversational cover.)

I love Joni Mitchell. She is forever an inspiration and a core member of any true folkie's musical treasure trove.

youtube

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift is one of the worst songs ever written.

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me." And I honestly agree. Or whoever made her release this silly song.

I am not a big fan of Taylor Swift, but I can appreciate her artistry in a multitude of ways. Objectively, she's pretty good. Subjectively, I hate the quality of her voice and think her lyricism is sub-par and surface level. Her lyrics have matured since the start of her career, but when we start at cheerleading and Romeo and Juliet there is only so far we can go.

The most horrifying lyric is: "Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill." How is Taylor Swift going to write the album Folklore, then give her fans THIS. She could have said how huge she feels compared to other people in so many ways that didn't sound stupid. Taylor Swift and I are both 5'11", so I really do understand the struggle of feeling like a monster on the hill while everybody is a... sexy baby... I guess. The difference is, Taylor Swift is a rail thin blonde woman with a model build, weighing 100 pounds less than me. She also steps on a scale that turns to the word "FAT" rather than a number in the music video, at least in the original. She edited that part out after some well-deserved criticism.

I genuinely didn't know if this song was supposed to be deep and personal or comedic or a mix of both before I looked it up. Somehow, the balance is off no matter the answer. I remember laughing in utter shock and confusion when the music video and song were released. I did some research and she describes the song as being pretty candid and personal... so I don't think it's supposed to be funny. Dramatic, maybe, but not funny.

The weird owl-cityesque instrumental break around 2:15 just does not match the mood of the song at all and sticks out like a sore thumb. I also hate the weird percussion/clapping sound that appears several times throughout this song.

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me." is a catchy little pop lyric, but Taylor Swift is not really the problem. Having insecurities and lacking wisdom does not make you the problem, it just means you have a lot of first world problems and normal human emotions. I don't think "everybody agrees" at "tea time" and I don't think anyone really cares, unless they also think that disliking yourself and being kind of annoying and a little bit of a closeted narcissist is some really deep and relatable inner turmoil.

It is really not that deep.

I could probably say a million other negative things about this song, but I feel like you kinda get the point.

#Youtube

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sweetlittleneptune · 2 years

Text

Paint me your love

Pairing: Vincent and Reader

Word count: 1595

Genre: fluff fluff fluff

⚠️little warning before we start! This is the first fanfic I've written in a WHILE, it'll only get better the more I write❤️⚠️

After a while of working at Le Comte's mansion, you had learned to love those little moments of peace and relaxation. Being a housekeeper, even if you had the help of Sebastian, was quite demanding. Making sure that everything was clean, that everyone were brought what they needed or wanted. It wasn't unusual for you to spend all your day running from room to room, and it was more tiring than you would have liked to admit.

So when Le Comte offered you to take a day off, you didn't hesitate before saying yes and thanking him. You would cherish every second of this little vacation. He smiled at you and pointed to the door.

"Go on," He said. "The day is all yours, have fun Y/N."

So many possibilities! You could go back to bed, read a book, take a walk, tag along with Arthur in one of his little mysteries, anything was possible today!

You thought about all of that as you went to change into a more comfortable dress than your uniform. While the soft white of your dress would be easier to stain, it was a gift from Le Comte, and you found it incredibly pretty. As you passed a window on your way to your room, you spotted a blond man painting the gorgeous flowers of the garden.

Vincent!

Nevermind going back to sleep or spending the day in the library, you much prefered to spend time and chat with your favorite resident of the mansion. So you picked up your copy of Pride and Prejudice and made your way to the garden.

From the looks of it, Vincent had not been painting for long. Only the sides of the canvas were filled with colours. The middle stayed blank, with only a few pencil marks to mark where would be the "pièce de résistance" if you would. You wondered what he would paint in the center, but whatever it was, there was no doubt it would be absolutealy magnificent.

As he heard you coming, Vincent turned around and smiled before greeting you like he did every morning.

"Good morning Y/N. You're not in uniform, do you have a day off?"

"I do, finally! I love helping out and working for Comte, but days off are quite nice to have every once in a while." You said as you sat on the bench besides the young man.

"They must be," Vincent said, resuming his painting. "That's the fun part about what I do. Days off are whenever I want them to be."

"I envy you for that." You laughed. And he joined in your laughter.

You chatted for a bit, until slowly silence and quietness made it's way back to your little spot in the garden. You read your book, lying on the bench, and Vincent painted the sky on his canvas. All was peaceful and pleasant, the soft breeze that ruffled the leaves, the birds that sang their sweet little songs. This is a good way to spend a day off, you thought.

After some time, Vincent stopped painting. The center of his canvas was still empty, except for the sky above. He looked pensive as he stared at the missing part of his project. every once in a while he would scribble something with his pencil, but he'd erase it just as fast as he'd drawn it. You didn't notice his frustration until he let out a 'hmm' of discontent.

"What is it? Are you having troubles with your painting?"

"I am. I can't find what to paint in the middle and it's getting quite frustrating."

You closed your book and got up to look at the progress Vincent had made. It was already beautiful, but he was right, something was missing in the middle.

"You should paint someone." You said. "It would be pretty with the flowers."

"Hmmm, you're right." Vincent agreed. " I should paint you!"

Your eyes widened at his words. Me?? Not that you were ugly (by all means, you knew you were quite the pretty one), but being in a painting was a whole new level of flattery! And a Van Gogh painting at that!

Vincent seemed to notice your hesitation and wasted no time in encouraging you. After all, to him you were the prettiest woman he'd ever seen (even more so in your white dress), and it would be a shame to not prove it with a piece of art.

"You don't have to if you don't want to Y/N," the Van Gogh brother started. "But with a small parasol and a shawl around your arms, hair in the wind, you'd be the most perfect model I could ever ask for."

His pleading eyes only were enough to make you say yes on the spot.

"Alright, do you have a parasol? I can manage for the shawl, but parasol aren't a thing in the 21th century and I don't bring one with me usually..."

Vincent chuckled at your rambling. "Yes I do have a parasol I think, in my room. I'll go fetch it." He said as he put down the paintbrushes he had been holding.

A few minutes later he was back with a soft tulle shawl and a beautiful little parasol. He handed both to you and looked around for something to sit you on. Spotting a wooden bucket not to far, he went and took it, flipping it to make a simple seat for you.

"Now," He said, a hand to his chin as if he was picturing how he'd pose you. "Could you sit on the bucket with your legs a bit to the left? Good! And now place the shawl around your arms... just let it fall loosely, it'll be prettier that way. Perfect! You're a wonderful model Y/N... you're gorgeous."

Your cheeks flushed at his words and a shy smile made it's way to your face. How could he say such things so naturally? Without thinking you lowered your head, trying to hide the effect he had on you. But he didn't let you. With his thumb and index, Vincent brought your chin back up gently, forcing you to look at him as he gazed into your eyes. The man almost seemed in a trance.

His face got closer and closer to yours, until his lips were practically ghosting over yours. Your heart was racing, and you bet his was too. There had never been so little space between you and Vincent. For a moment you thought he would kiss you, but he instead gently placed your hair behind your ears before handing you the parasol and going back to his painting.

A part of you was disappointed that the Van Gogh brother didn't dare to press his lips onto yours, if you were being honest. But it was Vincent, if he was to do it, it would be much more romantic and planned.

You spent the next 30 minutes or so in your thoughts, as Vincent sketched your figure on his canvas. Every now and then you'd feel his eyes on you, almost like he thought you were the most beautiful thing on Earth. In those moments, you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks and a flutter in your heart. Did he know how he made you feel?

Lost in your thoughts, you didn't see the time go by. It was only when Vincent called your name that you seemed to come back to reality.

"I'm done with the painting Y/N," He said with the sweetest smile. "Do you want to see it?"

"Can I?" You asked, surprised that he would offer you the chance to be the first one to see his newest painting. Usually, that privilege was reserved to Theo.

"Of course you can, after all, you are in it aren't you?"

To say that the painting was beautiful would have been to put it to shame. It was truly magnificent. The lady in the picture seemed almost too gorgeous to be you. Did Vincent really see you that way? Your heart raced once again at the thought. And the question left your lips before you could think about it:

"Vincent it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen... do you really see me that way?"

He didn't expect you to ask such a question. Of course he saw you that way! Didn't everybody else? Didn't you? He painted you the exact same way he saw you: as the most beautiful woman in his life. Turning to you, he took your hands in his and looked right into your eyes.

"Of course I do. I made sure that all your beauty was captured in my art. I told you: you are gorgeous, the perfect model... my muse."

Your heart was beating fast and loud in your chest. Vincent's words were too much to handle and you could almost feel yourself fall in love with him. Kiss him, your brain kept on telling you. And without realizing it, you found yourself getting closer and closer to the man standing before you.

"I think I love you," You whispered, before finally closing the gap between you and him.

The kiss was soft, and yet it seemed that everything that needed to be said was. Vincent didn't let go of your hands, but he held onto them a bit tighter.

When you both finally let go of each other, he sighed and smiled. It seemed he had wanted to do this for quite a long time, and he was relieved to know that you loved him just as much as he loved you.

"I think I love you too."

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp vincent #ikemen vampire vincent #fanfic #ikevamp mc

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btsxmalereaders · 3 years

Text

☆ Even in zero gravity, I would still fall for you!

♡ pairing — bang chan x male reader

> genre — fluff | f2l

> word count — 4.3k I don't know how this happened

> summary — chan realises he likes you by not being able to use pickup lines on you

> a/n — i saw a tiktok where chan says he's gonna use a pickup line on felix and my love-deprived self ended up writing this lol i hope you all like it

| 05282021

| Please keep making more whosfan accounts and keep streaming WOLFGANG on the correct platforms!

"Hey, how you doin'?" Chan casually says as he enters the kitchen, trying not to grin and start giggling right away. He even places his hands over the table and tilts his head a little in an attempt to look confident. Felix takes his attention away from the food he is cooking and turns on his feet to look at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Good?" He answers with an air of suspicion. "Why?"

Chan finally lets out a small giggle, "Oh nothing, I was just thinking that... I am not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together."

And Felix thinks it's a creative pickup line, funny even, but what ends up making him laugh is the way his best friend bends over to start laughing louder and the way his cheeks turn reddish at the embarrassment he's probably feeling.

"That was a good one, I must say," He chuckles. "Not as great as the Optimus Fine one, though. Even if it made you laugh for ten minutes after you said it."

And Chan can only laugh harder at the remembrance, placing his hands over his slightly aching abdomen and gasp for air when he can't handle it anymore. Felix giggles as well and denies with his head, going back to stir what's on the pot.

"Stays keep getting creative when it comes to flirting with you," He speaks again as the laughter finally dies down. "They probably think you might use it on someone you like, and you're here almost crying because you use them on us."

Chan hums, "Well, I don't really like anyone right now."

Felix turns off the stove and makes a -dramatic- pause, turning again to face Chan as he gets closer and squints his eyes. "I don't believe it."

"What?" Chan laughs. "Why would I lie?"

"I don't know, but I don't buy it. Maybe it's the love songs you have as drafts in your laptop."

"Ah, that doesn't mean I'm in love," He explains and takes a seat in front of him, nervously scratching the back of his neck. "That's why they're still drafts, though. They don't convey the feeling of being in love because I am not in love, you know?"

"Good point, but it still doesn't convince me."

"Why?" He asks again with a chuckle, a little embarrassed by the sudden interest in his - nonexistent - love life. "You know our activities barely give us time for ourselves, so it's almost impossible to have a relationship with someone. At least a formal one."

"You can still like someone and not be with them." Felix shrugs. "So spill it. Who is it?"

And Chan knows he's just messing around with him, but he can't help but feel flustered. "No one! I think so." He almost says it in a whisper; however, Felix doesn't comment on it.

"I still want to listen to those drafts," He stands up and smiles. "Why don't you show me?"

This was not the way Chan expected the conversation to go, so he hesitates a bit about his friend's request. Well, it wasn't unusual anyway, at least Changbin had heard a couple and also helped in the composition of the songs, so having someone else hear them wouldn't hurt. He might even listen to ideas on his part to improve them.

"Okay, I can do that. Next week Y/N will come to the studio and work on something, why don't you pop-up at some point and I can show you?"

Felix nods, "Sounds good! Y/N asked for help for his new album?"

"Yeah, he wants me to listen to some tracks he has been working on." He casually comments, taking his phone from his pocket and leading his attention to the device, so now Felix can't see the slight blush on his cheeks.

"Hm, I haven't seen him in a while. Why hasn't he come to the dorm lately? We should invite him."

"He has been busy with his album, that's why. If you think I leave late from the studio, that's nothing compared to him, he truly spends an ungodly amount of time there."

"So you see him often?" Felix asks with sudden interest, now being aware of how Chan's ears are tinted pink.

"You could say that, yeah. He also spends time on my studio whenever he has the chance. And vice-versa." He shrugs, not finding it odd. You two were really good friends, so it was a normal thing for you to do. "Why?"

"Nothing, I was just curious." He mischievously laughs. "So, next week, you said?"

After a quick glance at the time on your phone, you decide to stand up and stretch your body. It's been a long time since you started working, and you still have a lot to do; and on top of it all, the progress you've made tonight doesn't totally convince you, and that just meant you'd be spending more time in the studio.

As you take your phone again to read your notes, a notification pops up on the top. You weren't supposed to meet up with Chan until later, but in the new message you just received, he tells you that he's free from working on his stuff and you could go earlier if you wanted.

You decide to go; after all, it was nearly impossible for you to concentrate again, and you truly needed to know what does he think about the tracks you sent him a few days ago to finally make an advance. So you grab your laptop after making sure you've saved the changes and the cup of half-drunk coffee, walking out to the long hall and taking the elevator to an upper floor.

The soles of your shoes are dragged across the floor all the way to the studio's door, where you softly knock a couple of times before remembering you already know the password to enter. Your fingers press the buttons, entering code you know by heart at this point, and the door quickly unlocks, making Chan to look your way and greet you with a smile.

"Hey, how have you been?" He sweetly says, seeing you entering the room and placing your belongings on top of the big desk in front of you and taking a seat on the couch behind him.

"Busy. And tired." You murmur and let out a sigh. Chan immediately plays a song at a low volume and takes seat next to you.

"You're still struggling with the track you told me about?"

You nod as an answer and pout, "I am desperate. It's like, no matter how many times I rewrite the lyrics or change the beats, it still doesn't convince me at all and I hate it."

"I get it," He sighs. "But don't worry about it, I'm here to help you out."

And Chan isn't someone who breaks his promises, so the following hours are spent listening to your music, carefully reading everything you've written so far, listening to your ideas and giving you advice.

In between work, he tells you every other joke to make you laugh and feel at least a bit less stressed; and it works wonderfully since he has a long list of dad jokes that take you off guard, plus his laughter is contagious, so not laughing with him is impossible.

It's no surprise that his advice and opinions are so accurate to the point of clearing your mind and helping you out of your creative block. Chan has always been hard-working and so good with words that every time you engage him in conversations, you feel more relaxed and less burdened. No matter what situation you had a problem with, Chan would always help you find the best solution for it. Maybe that's why you admire him so much, maybe it was one of the many reasons why you didn't hesitate for a second to go to him and find security in his presence and words... Maybe it was one of the thousands of reasons why you had romantic feelings towards him...

"Is it better now?" His voice takes you out of your thoughts. He's sweetly smiling at you; he probably realized you got lost on the way his lips were moving as he told you his thoughts on the recent draft of your song.

"Yeah, yes, honestly, you've helped me so much. I don't know what I'd do without you." You smile and go for a quick hug, taking the opportunity to ruffle his hair. Your fingers sliding between his soft and messy curls and making him fondly smile in the process. "You're my hero. I mean it."

Chan chuckles and can't keep his eyes off you as you type something on your laptop and hum. He recalls the conversation he had last week with Felix, and that ambiguous feeling settling on his chest makes him wonder if, after all, his friend was right. He doesn't remember when was the last time he felt the urge to hold someone in between his arms and dearly appreciate, and he wants to know why he smiles and feels his stomach tickling when he sees you.

Maybe it's because you spend a lot of time with him, a voice inside his head says. But he doesn't feel this way with any other friend.

Maybe it's because you have known him for a long time and you just appreciate him a lot, the voice tries again. Maybe. He finally gives in at the last thought. He'd have to figure it out.

His phone buzzes inside the pocket of his jeans and he takes it, knowing for sure it's a message from Felix.

"Felix is arriving in a few minutes." He murmurs, making you take your eyes off the screen. "He wants to listen to some songs I have, is that okay?"

"Of course, it's your studio, silly." You giggle. "I am almost done with this, so if you're gonna be busy I can go back to m-"

"You can stay, if you want to." He quickly adds. "Plus, he says he wants to see you, you know... He misses you." Chan laughs. He wasn't lying, but that wasn't the only reason he wanted you to stay.

"Okay! Sure, I haven't heard from him in a while, either." You nod and keep making changes on the file you have open.

Just as he said, Felix enters the room just a few minutes later, smiling brightly and immediately running to give you a big hug once he sees you.

Soon, the room was filled with laughter and long conversations to catch up on everything around your lives. Felix tells you about the new pastries he baked last week and that he was waiting for you to come around and bake with him, the new video game Jeongin bought and has been playing with Hyunjin, the new songs Changbin and Jisung have been working on and how Seungmin was learning to play piano, playing songs at night for everyone at the dorm.

"And you know? Chan hyung has gotten better at flirting." He laughs as the latter gives him a threatening glare. "He can't stop saying pickup lines whenever he has the chance."

"Ah, really?" You chortle. "You haven't said one in all the time we've been here."

"Well, we've been working, and I've told you many other jokes... Besides, it's not like I come up with them out of nowhere."

"Yes, you do!" Felix says. "You do that all the time, what are you talking about?"

You glance at Chan, who's currently blushing and at the loss of words. Felix, on the other hand, seems to be happy to see what he just provoked. And he'd definitely enjoy every part of it.

"I want to hear one! C'mooon!" You laugh. "Please?"

Chan rolls his eyes and tries to look confident as he would normally do. He clears his throat and thinks of a good pickup line he hasn't used yet.

"Alright," He says and smiles, he even thinks it's gonna start laughing before even opening his mouth, but the very moment he looks into your eyes, it's like he forgot every single word on his vocabulary. "Uhm, are you, no. Did you-? Wait! I forgot what I was gonna say-"

Felix can't help but burst into laughter, and you only look at him, as if you couldn't believe it. Was he nervous or was it because of the fact that Felix was in the same room? Would it have been any different if he weren't there?

You end up laughing at Felix's loud laughter, as well as seeing Chan blushing up to his ears and hiding his face behind his hands, probably also in an attempt to cover the huge grin he now has.

"Wow, that was an epic failure. And I thought you were the biggest flirt on earth." Felix teases him, to which Chan ends up groaning.

He continues talking about other stuff while Chan stops feeling embarrassed, even though he's not able to look in your eyes for the entire time until you have to go back to work.

You close your laptop and stand up, throwing the now empty cup of coffee on the trash bin. After thanking Chan for his help and promising Felix you'd drop by their dorm soon, you walk out of the studio with a smile and feeling your heart beating fast. There was no way you didn't have feelings for him.

"Oh my god, so I was right!" Felix says a few seconds after you left. Chan's first instinct is to cover his face again. "Look who got nervous so suddenly."

"Stop, I- I don't even want to talk about it." He murmurs, feeling flustered and avoiding Felix's gaze. He types something on his laptop and presses the play button, hoping that this way, his friend would forget about what just happened and could focus solely on the music.

And Felix doesn't talk about it anymore. The next few minutes are set by the music coming out of the speakers; the room filling with Chan's voice, singing the love songs that probably no one else would listen to. Felix seems to be concentrating on the lyrics, but Chan's thoughts are solely about you. As he listens to the songs, he is aware of how his skin bristles every time his hands accidentally touch you, the times when your eyes connect with his and you give him smiles every time it happens, all those times when his heart would race when he hugged you.... It's as if all those songs that professed a love he said he didn't feel, started to make sense.

He feels overwhelmed. Maybe if he was aware of it before, maybe if he listened to his heart instead of his head, this wouldn't be a big revelation to him.

Chan pauses the music, and before Felix can ask what's going on, he speaks up: "Why- why did I do that?"

"Did... what, exactly?" Felix asks, confused.

"The pickup line thing!" He blurts out. "I mean, I do that all the time, right? Why did I just forget how to even talk?"

Felix giggles, "Well, have you considered it's because when you use those pickup lines on us you just do it for laughing? To joke around with us, and with Y/N it's because... I don't know, you have feelings for him and it gets real? Like you're flirting with him."

Makes sense, he thinks. He remains in silence for a moment, processing everything that just happened and finally connecting the dots.

"Wait, you just had your epiphany?" Felix jokes. "It took you too, too long."

"I can barely fall asleep, how was I supposed to know I was falling in love?"

"Fair enough." He says, comprehensive. "Are you telling him?"

"Should I?" Chan's eyes sparkle, but he still feels confused. Should he even try? It's been so long since he last felt this way about someone, and given the circumstances of his life as an idol, he felt more reluctant to take the next step. Even more, considering he had just taken the first one by accepting his feelings a few minutes ago.

"I was right all this time by you being in love," He says. "And I am also sure that it's mutual. I've seen you two for a while, you know? I am surprised you didn't come the realization way earlier than this."

Chan giggles. "Alright, I get it."

"But it's up to you now, I guess. All I know is that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve good things... And Y/N is a great person. You should give yourself an opportunity on love."

Chan feels chills as he hears those words. Tonight's even have been too much for him to process, so he'll think deeply about it later.

"Okay," He nods. "Thanks, Lix. You've been really helpful."

"I know, what would you do without me?" Felix laughs. "Now let's keep listening to the songs, I am loving all of them."

Fortunately, the help Chan gave you really made it possible for you to finish the songs in no time. You are just now walking out of a meeting with your managers and the people in charge of the release of the album to set the final details, and you quickly send a message to Chan to let him know the news.

In the meantime, you drop by your studio to clean up a little and maybe write down some ideas for new songs that have been in your mind for a while. After a few minutes, you hear a knock on the door, snapping you out of your thoughts and then feeling confused. You weren't expecting anyone to come. So you slowly open the door, and a smile spreads across your face the moment you realize it's Chan.

"Oh, hi!" You greet him with a hug, immediately letting him in afterwards. He shyly gets inside, taking a seat on a chair and placing a bag on the small table behind him. "What brings you here? I thought you were still busy with you guys upcoming album."

"It's okay, Changbin is working on his stuff now at the studio, so I took the chance to come here and celebrate with you!" He grins. "Congratulations on making your first self-produced album!"

He starts clapping, making you smile; he truly was the sweetest person you've ever met.

As soon as he read your message he went to the nearby cafeteria and bought your favorite drink and pastries, claiming that it was a special occasion and should be celebrated.

"For all your hard work and the success of this album!" He makes a toast as he raises his cup of tea.

Soon you find yourselves immersed in a long conversation about everything that went into creating this album; from when you had the first idea for the concept, to those sleepless nights when he helped you without hesitation. Chan was definitely an essential part of this whole process, so to be celebrating with him right now felt right. It was how it should be.

"You know," Chan clears his throat as another song starts playing. "These past days I've had this thought in my head, and after talking it out with Felix... I am certain about it. And I want to tell you about it. I know I have to."

You frown, feeling curiosity, especially since his semblance has changed to be a bit more serious. He still has a small smile that gives you some kind of tranquility, but another part of you can't help but feel nervous as he gets a little bit closer.

"Of course, what is it?"

"So, uhm" He starts. "Some weeks ago, when Felix came to the studio and we were talking with you... Well, the reason he came was because he wanted to listen to some love songs I've worked on. And, after listening to all of them I figured out why I didn’t like them. I was sure I wasn't in love. That's why, to me, they all sounded plain and didn’t convey the feeling of love... But then..."

He makes a pause, catching his breath as he feels more and more nervous. He knows for sure his ears and cheeks are red right now, and it's impossible that you haven't noticed it. His hands slightly shake behind the table, anxiously looking for yours, but refraining from doing it because he doesn't know how this was going to end. You don't want to interrupt him, so you give him his time to clear his head and talk again.

"While listening to those songs, the only thought I had in mind was you." He finally confesses, with his gaze now fixed on his lap. "I guess that for a while I didn’t realise that I started to, uhm, catch feelings for you. And, it's okay if you don't feel the same way about me. I just really wanted to let you know because the thought has been on my mind for so long and I needed to let it out."

For a moment, the only thing that can be heard in the room is your voice coming from the speakers along with a sigh from Chan, who still didn’t dare to look up and face you.

"So... what you're saying is..." You speak up, feeling incredibly shy, trying to process the words addressed to you.

"What I am trying to say is that I am in love with you."

And you swear you could start screaming to the top of your lungs right now, but you try your very best to stay calm and finally grab Chan's hands. With that, he looks at you again.

"Channie," You softly say, looking at him in his precious eyes and dearly smiling. You don't even know where to begin, but a voice inside you begs for you to give him a hug. So you open your arms and embrace him tightly, feeling instant comfort and love. "I am so glad you feel this way too. I love you too."

Chan sighs in relief, placing his hands on your waist and pulling you closer; his nose pressed against the crook of your neck and closes his eyes, melting between your arms and enjoying every single second of that gesture.

"Wait a minute," You say out of nowhere, so he separates a bit from you and tilts his head. "That's why you couldn't even say a sentence when you tried to say a pickup line?"

You laugh when his expression changes to look ashamed, his lips frowned in a pout and his gaze avoiding your eyes again.

"Try again, I'm sure you're good at this." And Chan's head only comes up with the dozens of lines he has read, but seeing you smiling right in front of him and your arms over his shoulders, he can only think how lucky he is. He can't possibly say anything to you. "Alright, let me try instead."

You hum and recall all the pickup lines you've read and have been told before, "Hm, can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll return it."

And you expected Chan to start laughing out loud, instead he starts blushing again and giggling, covering his face as he feels nervous.

"C'mon! Seriously?" You laugh and wait for him to stop being shy.

"You make me nervous, give me time." He excuses himself and laughs some more. "That was a good one, and you know what? You can borrow all the kisses you want, as long as you keep your word and return them."

"See? That's what I'm talking about!"

Chan fondly smiles at you, placing his hand on your head to pet your hair for a moment. You close your eyes as he does it, feeling his soft touch traveling all the way down to your chin. He rests his thumb on your cheek and after a few seconds you decide to open your eyes.

"Can I?" He murmurs as his gaze shifts from your eyes to your lips.

"You don't even have to ask."

And just as you give him permission, he breaks the distance between you two. He starts carefully, placing his lips against yours in a tender, chaste way, barely there pressure that makes you exhale through your nose as if you had been holding your breath all along. One of his hands still holds you by the waist, so he takes the opportunity to slide it to your lower back, carefully holding you and sending you shivers to your entire body.

You lean forward barely a few millimeters, but it's enough to feel more pressure over your lips. Chan angles his head and traps your bottom lip, tongue trying to dart out of his mouth to taste more of the sweetness of yours. He, however, contains himself and smiles in between the kiss, instead. He was probably gonna be the death of you.

The deep kiss loses intensity as a minute passes by, so you two end up giving smaller kisses and share smiles, your noses constantly touching in skimo kisses. And you think it's perfect; it's way better than what you one day imagined.

Chan can't miss the chance to make you sit on his lap, so now your head rests over his chest. Your fingers fidgeting the hem of his hoodie and shyly longing to intertwine your hands.

"Hey, Y/N?" He grabs your attention and smiles. "Are you a parking ticket?"

You raise an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Because you've got fine written all over you." He ends up with a muffled laughter.

"Oh no, what did I just get myself into?" You joke around, this time finally making him burst into a louder laughter. "You just declared war on me about pickup lines, you know?"

"Oh, so you got some lines, too? Can't wait to hear all of them, then."

And for the rest of the day you let yourself be held in between the arms of the person you loved the most. Later you'd find the way to flirt with him and make him feel flustered when he least expects it.

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