#and delia's reaction is just wanting to tell her.

[ealvara7]

I Saw Beetlejuice the Musical on Tour!!! 🪲 ✨️

Ever since I got more into musicals, I told myself that I wanted to go back into a theatre at some point as an adult. I only ever recalled going when I was in elementary school... which has sadly faded in my memory.

Lo and behold, I learn that the Beetlejuice Tour was coming to the James M. Nederlander Theatre! I figured now was the perfect time to go see it!

When I initially got into Beetlejuice the Musical, I didn't think that I was going to like the Tour cast as much as Broadway's, but over time, I grew an appreciation for them, and it got me excited to see the cast in person.

I do not regret this decision one single bit.

For this post, I'm going to mainly focus on my personal experiences at the theatre, both in and out of the show. If you'd like to hear my thoughts on the main story and set changes in the Tour, please check out this post! This is still gonna be quite lengthy, so I will be leaving this under a "read-more".

Thank you for reading! ✨

-

I got tickets to go see the musical on the night of the 22nd. My plan was to go check out the merch stand before I sat down to watch the show, because I did not want to get up during intermission. I was able to do that with half an hour to spare! I felt so relieved because I honestly thought that my mom and I were running late-

Unfortunately... Jackera Davis did leave the Tour after performing in Kentucky... so I did not get a chance to see her. I did, however, get the chance to see the new actor for Skye - Madison Mosely, and she is lovely!

I did get to see Justin as Beetlejuice and Isabella as Lydia! It was genuinely so surreal to me that for both Prologue: Invisible, and The Whole "Being Dead" Thing, I just... froze up? It was like... reverse stage-fright, like the realization just hit me that these actors could quite possibly see me, because I was sitting up front by the left orchestra-

Aside from Justin as Beetlejuice, Isabella as Lydia, and Madison as Skye, I also recognized the following:

Will Burton as Adam

Jesse Sharp as Charles

Sarah Litzsinger as Delia

Abe Goldfarb as Otho

Brian Vaughn as Maxie Dean

It was difficult for me to tell who Juno/Maxine Dean was because of the makeup, but looking back at the cast on the official site, I'm pretty confident at this point that it was Kris Roberts. I had a similar confusion with Miss Argentina, but I did get to meet Hillary Porter at the stage door, so it was easier for me to deduce that it was her-

I noticed right away that the actor playing Barbara wasn't Megan McGinnis, so I decided to look back at the cast list after the show. With it and some extra help from Instagram, I was able to find out that it was Lexie Dorsett Sharp! I honestly loved her performance as Barbara! She's not afraid to be silly, and I also felt that she played off of Will and Justin's performances very well!

Something that I really enjoyed about being in the left orchestra section was that I was not only able to see a couple of technical moments happening offstage (such as an individual holding up the long arm that gives Beetlejuice a microphone), but there where moments where I can hear the actors saying certain things that weren't picked up on their microphones. One example of this was during That Beautiful Sound. Lee N Price, who played the pizzaman, was being puppeteered by Beetlejuice, and I swear, at one point I heard him go, "Oh my god!" Even though no one else in the back could hear it, our section most certainly did, and we got a kick out of that reaction-

The show went on pretty much as I expected up until Adam and Barbara wake up from their electric shock... I had been focusing on Barbara up to this point because I wanted to see how they set up the fire trick on her hand and... it never happened? Instead, right after Adam asks, "Why... can't I feel my pulse?" Barbara tries to feel her own and begins to panic, continuing the rest of the scene as it usually is.

I also noticed that Beetlejuice pockets Lydia's note, rather than burning it. It made me realize that the team were most likely not allowed by the theatre to use pyrotechnics in the show. Considering where the James M. Nederlander Theatre is located, it begins to make a lot of sense...

During the scene after Fright of our Lives, Justin (as Beetlejuice) just goes off on the line, "I know that, Barbara!" It goes quiet for a bit, then he pretends to sob for the line, "No one's like me... that's the problem." It all culminates to Will (as Adam) slowly walking up to him, with Justin quietly and emotionally saying:

"Get the fuck away from me!"

The audience, myself included, completely lost it. I originally thought that this might've been a mistake, but according to one of my Discord friends, this bit has been going on for a couple of shows now. It's completely new to me, so it caught me off guard the when I saw it. It's the little things that always fascinate me when watching different performances of the same musical, boots or not-

The rest of Act One was pretty much the same! Something I did find interesting, however, was that near the end, rather than people cheering after Beetlejuice says the line, "It's showtime!" It was when he says, "Can everybody see me?!" that people really started roaring. It was a nice change of pace, and added to the impact of his line right after. The audience in that show was surprisingly very nice! I heard a lot of cheering from fans, especially during the scene where Adam kisses Beetlejuice.

Now, let's talk about Isabella Esler! My Discord friends have said some nice things about her, but I wasn't so sure what to expect coming into this show. The more it kept going... the more it became clear to me what they were talking about.

Isabella puts a lot of emotion into playing Lydia. She genuinely gives me the impression that the death of her character's mother put a lot of weight on her, and yet... that doesn't entirely stop her from being a spunky, rebellious teenager. For me, the peak of her performance is when she sings Home. I don't think I've ever really seen an actor that has perfectly nailed that weakness and despair that Lydia would be feeling in this scene...

Except for Isabella.

Her performance genuinely gave me chills, and as someone who is also Latin American, I couldn't help but feel proud... I can now say with great confidence that Isabella Esler is my favorite Lydia, with Jackera Davis being my very close second! 💖

Act Two was pretty much the same as I remembered it, however I'd like to give my attention to one of Justin's now famous lines in the show:

“Look, I only joke because I see myself in you… later tonight.”

According to one of my Discord friends, while there are moments where Justin is able to keep his composure after saying that line, there are other where he... just loses it and starts giggling.

I was extremely fortunate to see the latter.

I believe what happened was that the audience reaction to the joke was so big, that it began a bit of a circle effect - with Justin losing his composure, and the audience just having a ton of fun and clapping, then it repeats. It went on for quite sometime, but finally Justin was able to focus and continue going-

After curtain call, I remembered that the show shoots out streamers, so I grabbed a green and black one! I now have two big streamers to pair with my Broadway one!

(Update: I found a silver one after watching the show on the 26th! I now have a complete set!)

After I left the theatre, I went around the back. There was one thing left I wanted to see before we went home...

-

The Stage Door! ✨️

As mentioned prior, I did get to meet some of the actors at the stage door! I didn't say much beyond a, "Hello!" and, "Thank you!" to each of them, not only because it was really dark and I wanted to meet back up with my mom as soon as possible, but because I didn't want to take up too much of the actors' time. The only actor that I was able to make some small talk to was actually Isabella, who complimented me on my outfit!

At first, I thought that stage dooring just wasn't going to happen because there was not a lot of people here... but eventually, a line of people began to form, and a few of the actors were starting to come outside! It honestly wasn't as crowded or intimidating as I expected it to be, and I was very relieved about that!

I knew right away after getting tickets that I wanted to get my Playbill signed by as many people in the Tour cast as I can meet during stage door! This was the only opportunity I was going to get to have the Tour cast sign this specific Playbill, and to actually be there adds a huge layer of sentimentality that I honestly wish I had for my Broadway cast Playbills.

I was in awe by how quickly many of them came out! I made sure to bring my own silver markers, just in case! It ended up coming in super handy because the majority of the actors who were signing things at stage door didn't seem to have one...

One thing that I was super excited about when I got my Playbill signed was because I was actually there, I could confirm which signature belongs to which actor!

Admittedly, it took me some time to mark down each signature because I was not 100% familiar with the actors, but thanks to the cast list on the official website (as well as in the Playbill itself), I was able to match up the faces to who I specifically remember signing my Playbill!

I almost lost the identification of some of these signatures, but I was actually able to remember them based on some conversations I heard going on behind me! For example, Abe reenacted one of his scenes as Otho with another fan (the one where he greets Delia, to be more specific) and Janisse had mentioned to another fan that this was his last week with the Beetlejuice team, something I distinctly remember from one of the Instagram stories the day before I saw the show! Will's was super easy because he was the only one that signed my Playbill in gold (he actually offered to sign it with my silver marker, but I told him gold was ok)!

One last thing I would like to share is two of the pages I scanned containing all of the cast members in my Playbill! It was one of the things I was curious to look at when I opened it, and it was very interesting to compare with the formatting of my other Playbills!

That's pretty much it for my time at the show! ✨

It honestly went by so fast... it made me wish that I had more time to take it all in because I genuinely enjoyed being there that night! Luckily, I did end up getting another ticket for the 26th, but after that... who knows when I'll go back to a theatre?

I'm so glad that I decided to go, because Beetlejuice the Musical has become my all time favorite musical, and I don't think it would've been the same if my first musical to go see as an adult wasn't my all time favorite.

It is a memory that I will cherish forever and is quite possibly one of the greatest flexes I will ever have as a fan.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

so long, daisy may (lt. bradley “rooster” bradshaw)

a/n: anti-hero belongs to rebel but so does you’re on your own kid and i won’t change my mind. @struggling-with-delia​ has been here for every step and evolution of this piece and i’m truly posting this for her because i honestly never thought this would see the light of day. i am going to hide under a rock until further notice bye. 

summary: It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero. 

originally inspired by taylor swift’s “anti-hero” and “you’re own your own, kid”

main masterlist | top gun: maverick masterlist | same mistakes-verse | same mistakes-verse timeline

warnings: nightmares, blood, swearing, jealousy, insecurity, alcohol, brief brief brief reference to an ED if you squint, we were introduced to Petals in the my tears ricochet piece and there was popular demand for me to bring her back, i took some stylistic risks with this one, and it’s that this has no point of resolve and a very abrupt ending, if you hate this don’t tell me because i’ll cry

word count: 3,325

Picking up Bob’s wrist where his watch sits, you glance at the time, rolling your eyes. He looks down at your curiously, sipping his drink. 

The last thing you expected to be the topic of conversation tonight was her. You’d made the mistake of leaning over to your best friend’s phone, being nosy about what he was looking at on Instagram. There’d been a picture of your old teammate, Moonshine, as she’d taken a leave trip to New York City after the Green Vipers short trip to Miramar. 

It’s how you learned she’d been at Top Gun with your best friend the first time around, and subsequently your boyfriend. And apparently most everyone else too. 

The group had now been trading stories of their experiences will her, all glowing. It’d been at least a half hour of this, and you slowly felt like you were losing your grip on your sanity, what with the whiplash Coyote was giving you. He’d been there, watched her follow everyone else and treat you like shit, so where did he get off talking like this?

“Take it you’re not a fan?” Hangman smirks as he raises an eyebrow at you. You shake your head, running a hand through your hair. 

“Not in the slightest.” 

“Really?” Phoenix asks, leaning up against the pool table. 

“Why?” Your boyfriend asks incredulously and you glance at him, shrugging. 

“Just... didn’t have a good experience with her.” 

You didn’t talk much about how awful everyone on the team had been. They knew you didn’t like your old squadron but you were unwilling to detail just how badly they treated you. 

“Gonna need more reason than that, babe.” 

You turn to him. “Well, why do you like her so much?” 

He looks away. “You know... she’s a good pilot. Funny. Life of the party.”

“Pretty too.” Hangman comments, looking between you and Rooster. 

You glance at him. “What? Why do I get the feeling I’m missing something?” Coyote nudges Hangman, shaking his head. Phoenix coughs awkwardly, looking up at the ceiling. “What?” Your boyfriend shifts, setting his drink down next to the pool table, game long forgotten. 

“We... hooked up once or twice when we were at Top Gun the first time.” 

Oh. 

He carefully watches you, waiting for a reaction, but you don’t have one to give him, trying to not squirm from the slimy feeling slithering up your spine. 

“But that’s not why I like her. She’s cool, really good pilot. I don’t know, you don’t meet pilots as genuine and level-headed as her. She’s just.. she’s really... I don’t know, she’s cool.” 

There’s a prickling sensation, something you want to recognize as jealousy. 

You pick up your drink, knocking the rest down your throat. You swallow and set the glass down with a little bit more force than necessary. The noise the movement makes echoes in the silence of the group. “If she’s so cool, you should go date her instead.” 

You pull yourself from your boyfriend’s arm, slipping off the bar stool and moving away from the pool table. 

“Oh Rebel, c’mon, I didn’t mean it like that.” He calls after you but you ignore him in favor leaving the bar. Crossing your arms, you take a deep breath as you walk towards your car. 

Only a month or so in, and despite the years you’d known him, you wouldn’t call your relationship with Bradley anything short of new. 

At times, it felt like no place had ever felt more right than being next to him. At times, it seemed like everything had happened to lead you to be right here, right now. 

Other times though, it felt like one misstep would take you hurling back to the years of animosity. One misspoken word, one argument, would fracture the happy family and fragile peace, leaving your hands littered with glass as you did what you did best. 

Hurt them first, right?

As gross as the two of you were (Fanboy’s words), always so blatantly in love with each other, you were still unsure about if you belonged here. Belonged here, belonged with them, belonged with him. 

It had little to do with Moonshine as a person. You did have to admit, that when her head wasn’t up Ghost and Shadow’s ass, when she wasn’t constantly seeking the approval from others, she was cool. She was funny, was genuine. If she could get away from her “follow the leader” mentality, the two of you probably could’ve been great friends. 

But... You hadn’t been around for Top Gun with this crew. Most of them had known each other since then, and hell a few of them went all the way back to flight school. You were just as new as Bob and it still sometimes felt like you were fighting to earn your place here. 

You still weren’t sure you were cut out for this team, for what the Navy expected from you all. You still weren’t sure that one day you’d be turning around and heading straight back to the Green Vipers. The only two ties you had to this group were your best friend and your boyfriend and if they changed their minds about you... well, you weren’t a fool to think these people would still be friends with you. 

It had little to do with Moonshine as a person. It was what she represented. If she was so great... well, maybe she belonged in your place instead. 

You certainly didn’t disagree. 

- 

You sit at the bar, head propped up on your hand as you watch Rooster clap Bob on the back. He’s startled by the movement, dropping a few peanuts, but smiles the toothy grin at him nonetheless. 

You’d retreated to the bar twenty minutes ago under the pretense of getting more beers and it doesn’t seem like anyone had noticed your disappearance from the group. Hell, they probably wouldn’t have even noticed if you hadn’t shown up tonight.

Why had you shown up tonight? 

Penny’s making polite conversation with you as you sit there, and you thank your lucky stars she doesn’t comment on the fact that you are clearly uninvested in the discussion. Looking back to the group, you make eye contact with Rooster and you immediately look away. 

“Someone’s coming to talk.” She whispers and someone is as the bodies of Rooster and Hangman appear on either side of you. Your boyfriend sighs, settling down in the seat next to you, arm moving to settle on your back. You ignore him, continuing to sip on your drink. 

“You’re mad at me.” He says as Hangman orders different drinks from Penny. 

You swallow as Penny eyes the two of you, handing the beers over to Hangman. “I’m not mad.” You finally settle on. 

“Course she’s mad Rooster, it’s not cool to bring up a girl you used to bang in front of your current girlfriend.” 

“You instigated that Bagman, so shut up.” You say, taking another sip of your drink. 

Hangman raises his hands in surrendering, retreating the the pool table. Rooster nudges you, nodding his head back to the group. “C’mon, come play.” 

You shake your head, swallowing the last of your drink. “’M good.” 

“Honey, I’m sorry I brought her up. Know it must not feel good to hear about that.” 

“Quite frankly, I don’t care that you hooked up with her.” 

He nods slowly. “Okay... then why are you mad?” 

“I told you, I’m not mad.” 

He sighs, leaning his head up against your shoulder. “Honey, please just talk to me so we can fix this.” 

“I’m not mad; do you want me to create feelings that aren’t there?” You ask, feeling yourself starting to get defensive. 

“You’re jealous.” 

And he’s not wrong, not entirely, because you had been for a moment, but only before the insecurity had set in. 

You shake your head. “Not jealous.” 

“Well, you’re something because you’re been sitting over here for half an hour talking to Penny and you’ve barely talked to me all day.” 

“How do you know I’m not having an engaging, intellectually stimulating conversation with Penny?” He gives you a look that has your defenses rising up even faster. “Would you just drop it?”

“Are we gonna be good if I do?” 

You stand up from your seat, turning towards the pool table. “Yeah, we’re fine.” 

He groans. “That does not sound like we’re fine.” He calls, catching the attention of Fanboy. You slip in between him and Payback. “Rebel-”

“I said, I’m not mad and we’re fine. We’re dropping it.” He watches you for a moment, assessing if that’s really what he wants to do, but must decide from continuing the conversation, deflating down into a stray bar stool. You turn, grabbing your keys and jacket that had originally been thrown over the railing near the pool table as the team watches you. “I’m going home.” You say to no one in particular. No one protests or follows you as you make your way out of the bar, and it takes everything you to not let that sting as you walk to your car. 

-

Shutting the locker door, you shoulder your bag and slip your phone into you back pocket. 

“Hey, you coming to the Hard Deck tonight?” 

You turn to see Halo sitting on the bench, looking back to you. Phoenix turns at the comment, wet hair from her shower falling over her shoulder. Tentatively, you grip the straps of your bag and shake your head. “Nah, I’ve got a friend in town. Going out to dinner to catch up with her.” Phoenix raises an eyebrow but says nothing. “What?” You ask, turning towards her. 

Most days, you weren’t sure if you and Phoenix would ever be friends. Maybe the two of you could be amicable, friendly even, a few years down the road. Still, she’d grown on you and you had hoped you had grown on her but... it was tough. 

You knew she kept you at arms length, that much was obvious. Knew she was still Rooster’s best friend, didn’t trust you to take care of him, to not break his heart. She didn’t trust you and damn if that didn’t sting. 

Phoenix shakes her head. “Nothing, you just... don’t seem to be doing a lot of spending time with us lately.” 

You sigh, shifting your bag. “That’s not true, you guys were at my house on Saturday.” 

“Okay, let me rephrase: you don’t seem to be wanting to spending a lot of time with us lately.” 

“That’s especially not true, considering game night was my idea.” 

She eyes you for a moment and then glances back to Halo before dropping down to the bench. “Does this have anything to do with the Moonshine thing-” You huff, readjusting your grip again as you move your eyes to the ceiling “-from last week, because truly Bradshaw didn’t mean it-” 

“-like that. Yeah, I got it Phoenix, thanks. Look, I really gotta go-” She sighs, cutting you off. “What?”

Once more, she shakes her head, rubbing her fingers over her temples. “Nothing. Have fun with your friend.” 

You nod slowly, feeling your throat dry. “K, well, I’ll- see you all tomorrow then.” You wave, bidding them goodbye, as your back turns and head for the door. You blink back the tears threatening to fight their way over as you walk towards the parking lot. 

That couldn’t even be considered a fight, barely a disagreement between teammates. Still, you wanted her to like you so bad-

There was a sickening feeling of deja vu crashing over you. 

You never learned. 

-

The laughter ringing out made your soul feel lighter than it had in weeks as you sit across from your friend in some Mexican restaurant Google had recommended. She smiled at you as you looked down to your phone, seeing a text from Bradley, telling you that he missed you and wished you were there. 

“Lover boy?” You nodded as you lock the device and slip it back into the bag, returning your attention to your friend. 

“I wish you were staying longer than a night.”

She sighs. “Wish I could too, but I’m out on deployment for six months at 8 am sharp tomorrow.” 

A silence falls over the table as you fiddle with your fork, avoiding her eye. “Can I ask you a question?”

She hums an affirmative. 

“You went to Top Gun with them all, right?” She nods. 

“A few of them, yeah. Why?” You sigh, leaning back in your chair as she reaches across the table for another chip. “Uh-oh, is this the part of the night where you’re honest with me and tell me there’s trouble in paradise?” 

You roll your eyes, shaking your head. “What did you think of Phoenix?”

“Of Phoenix?” She asks, pausing as she raises an eyebrow. You nod. “I liked her. Very intelligent, very clever. Good pilot. Earned everything she’s gotten. Why?”

You shrug. “I just don’t think she likes me very much.”

“I doubt that. She sticks to the other female pilots. There aren’t many of us. And even if she doesn’t, what does that matter?” 

“She’s Bradley’s best friend and I don’t- I don’t know.” You mumble, cheeks going red. 

“What’s really going on? C’mon, out with it.” 

You sigh. “Um, last week Moonshine-” Petals makes a noise in her throat, rolling her eyes. “-got brought up and I found out she and Rooster hooked up a few times at Top Gun.” 

“Thought he had standards.” 

You shoot her a look. “And I just- I’ve sort felt like I’ve been on the wrong foot, with this whole team since I got here, and I just- I don’t think I belong here P. Maybe she belongs here instead.” 

“Belong with this team or with him?”

You groan, reaching up to rub your eyes. “Both, maybe? I don’t know.” 

She eyes you as you fall silent. The silence grows as she waits for you to continue but no words find their way to the surface. The waitress comes over, asking if you want dessert. She looks to you as you down the last of your margarita. 

“I don’t know about you, but I kind of want one of everything.” 

You laugh as the alcohol warms you. “One of both? Sure, why not.” 

You didn’t acknowledge the little voice in your head screaming at you that you didn’t need one of both, let one of any dessert, because you didn’t do that anymore-

Petals closes the menu, smiling at the waitress. “Can we also have another round of margaritas? Thank you so much.” The waitress walks off and Petals turns to you. “Why do you feel out of place?” 

“I just- I don't feel like I’m good enough to be here. And I don’t know, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with him, to fuck things up like I always do-”

“First of all, no you don’t. He is equally, if not more, responsible for your falling out. Second of all, and I’m sorry to be so frank with you, but the idea that you are not good enough to be with this team, or don’t belong with this team, is bullshit.” She puts her elbows up on the table, clasping her hands together. “If the Navy wanted Moonshine on this team, wanted Moonshine called back for that mission, they would’ve called back Moonshine and Coyote. But they didn’t. They called you back because the Navy wanted you. Bradshaw doesn’t want Moonshine, he wants you.” 

You look at her, struggling to allow her words to ring true. 

You deserved to be here. 

You were good enough. 

He wanted you. 

“I just-”

“Rebel, he loves you. Loves you more than I’ve seen another person love someone. Even back then, I knew. I know now. He loves you so honestly, so openly. He’d bleed open if it meant you’d accept his heart. Why can’t you trust him with yours?”

You make a noncommittal shrug, avoiding her eyes. “I don’t know... things are good right now, I’ll admit it. But they’re delicate. If I fuck it up, I lose everything.” 

She raises an eyebrow. “This isn’t just about Bradshaw is it?” You shake your head and she sighs. “Okay, here’s what I know. I’ve had my issues with Bradshaw. We’ve talked about it.” You nod. “Hangman’s an ass and I can’t stand him.”

“Yeah, fair. valid. I don’t like him either.”

“And for however much I like Phoenix, I know she’s still loyal to Bradshaw.” 

You nod, bottom lip catching in your teeth. “Yeah.” 

“But I know Coyote to be good people, but I also know you know that too.”

You duck your head. “Of course I know it P. They’re all good people, I think Hangman might even have a heart in there somewhere.”

“But?” She prompts. 

“But I know that I have a reputation. And you know, how do I... how do I ask them to keep taking hits because of it? How long can they put up with me before they get tired of it? I mean, you know it, it’s got to be exhausting defending me all the time, to have to have my back, to carry the brunt of my shit.” 

“What reputation do you think I’ve got exactly?” She asks sharply, eyes narrowing.

“For being a rule-breaker. For-”

She waves a hand, cutting you off before you can even finish. “You earned your callsign. And if anything, you’ve earned a reputation because you’re a good pilot. For being a good friend, for always having your wingman’s back. I know you think you’re asking a lot of these people but you’re not. You’re not asking a lot of them to be there, to be your friend. What you fail to see is that they want to be your friend. Bradshaw doesn’t want to be with anyone but you. And I consider myself damn lucky to call you my close friend.”

She settles back in her chair, eyeing you as the dessert arrives at the table. There’s silence as she continues to stare at you, even as you reach for one of the plates, ignoring her. 

Finally, she sighs. “You heard from your Mom lately?” 

You pause, eyes snapping up to hers at the sudden change in topic. “No and I don’t care to. Why the fuck are you bringing her up?”

She shrugs, leaning over the table to take the plate you’re holding from you. “Don’t let her dictate your life. You’re not on your own anymore.” 

-

The white of your dress was stained, blood seeping through the material, turning the creamy color to one that made your stomach turn. You wiped your hands against it, leaving streaks of blood behind, but never able to fully get them to become clean. 

You swallow, getting frustrated as you try so hard to rid yourself of the stain, of your mistakes. 

You had sworn your wouldn’t do this again.

“I knew you’d break his heart in the end.”

It’s Phoenix’s voice.

Your head shoots up, searching for her, begging for her to forgive you for hurting him first. 

You didn’t mean to-

The only one who’s there in this room of white though, is a figure you never thought you’d see again. 

“Mom?” 

She smiles softly at you. “It happened, didn’t it, honey?” 

“I tried, I promise, but now-” You look down again to your hands, realizing how red they are. Red with his blood. It had been his heart you’d broken. “I’m sorry, so sorry-” 

“Oh, honey, don’t you know?” You shake your head, eyes searching hers. “They never cared in the first place. All the bridges burned.” 

You swallow, fighting to stand to your feet. “No, they like me, they’re my friends-”

She lets out a laugh that sends cold straight through you, echoing and ringing out for miles through the space. 

[savebatsfromscratch]

For some reason she didn't sound angry. - Palletshipping Week 6 (Telling)

Summary:

Ash tells his mother about his boyfriend.

Notes:

Prompt: Telling about their relationship to Delia and Professor Oak. Note: I almost forgot to post this oh no- Cws: Referenced homophobia (from Professor Oak, not Delia) Words: 1,133

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54947461

“Uh, mom?” Ash asked, looking up from his plate, his voice already shaking, “I have something to tell you,”

“Yes honey?” Delia responded, sounding warm and kind and just as nice as she always had, “What do you want to tell me?”

Ash swallowed.

Oh man, this was much more difficult than he had been anticipating.

It wasn't that he expected his mother to hate him for who he was, no, she had always been very accepting of his decisions, even to the point where it could become dangerous for himself. Or, at least, it wasn't that he rationally expected his mother to hate him. There wasn't much he could do against his worries, however.

Even in a relatively progressive town in the Kanto region, being “gay,“ or even queer at all could still get you some dirty looks. It wasn't the worst of it, not by a long shot, but Ash still worried. He knew he had no real reason to be as worried as he was, considering his mother had always taught him to love others no matter who they were, but he still was.

Maybe he was so terrified because the last attempt at revealing his relationship had not gone entirely to plan.

When Gary had proposed the idea of going public with their relationship, Ash had felt little to no fear about the idea. After all, as far as he'd seen it, Pallet Town had always been a colorful place, comfortable, kind, and accepting of all identities. (Provided that the person in question wasn't an identified criminal or polluter of natural resources.)

As a result of this (naive) belief, Ash had nodded along with Gary's plan. Of course they could go public. As far as he saw it, there was nothing more shameful in dating a boy than there was shame in dating your rival. (For the non-trainers out there, it was one of the most common romance tropes out there, even in mainstream media.) In fact, going public would probably be a good plan! That way, at least, both trainers would have less of a problem with being asked out, right?

Well, reality seemed to be a different story.

When Gary had gone to his grandfather, legs shaking just as Ash's were now, he had been outright rejected. It was, as far as Ash had been told, all Gary could do to beg that Professor Oak would not kick him off of his research team entirely.

Thankfully, if that was the reaction they were going to get, Professor Oak had not shared the information further, but Ash had opened his phone the next day and found the Professor rescinding his support as a sponsor. (It seemed that, if he had it that way, Ash would have been just as good staying dead any of the times he could think of.)

So of course Ash was scared.

Even though Delia had been one of the few people to notice that he was acting differently, a major setback like the interaction with Professor Oak was quite enough to scare him. Even if Ash had never really been quite ”in the closet“ as Gary had, he was suddenly scared to come out of it.

Who knew what Delia would think of him?

Would she repeat the same horrible rhetoric that her friend had spat in his own grandson's face?

Ash couldn't seem to believe that she would, but at the same time, he couldn't quite force himself to believe that she wouldn't either.

”Ash?“ Delia asked, now somewhat worried. She placed her fork calmly at the side of her plate, wiping her mouth politely with a napkin as she looked at him. ”Are you okay?“

Ash forced an awkward thumbs up at her, almost ready to scrap the idea entirely, but was stopped when she frowned at him, brown eyes crinkled at the edge from worry. She tilted her head slightly, not forcing him to say anything, but somehow dragging Ash in.

Ash opened his mouth, and then closed it again, feeling as if needles were stabbing into his gums. ”Mom...“ he tried, bringing his hands to the sides of his neck to fiddle with his hair, ”I, um...“

In his fear, he found himself looking to her for help, though he was only struggling because he was scared of her. The fact that Gary had confided in him about feeling that same way, right before being brutally rejected, did nothing to help his fears.

Delia looked back at him, confusion slowly blurring into a look of realization. ”If you can't tell me now, would you be comfortable writing it down for me to read later?“

Ash stared at her as she fiddled with a pad of paper that had been sitting next to her. Gently, she ripped off the top page (which he could see a short list of groceries scrawled onto), and handed him the one below it.

The paper felt clean and cool, and the pen that quickly followed felt sure and strong.

Ash gripped them both, but still he could not force himself to write. He was scared, he didn't know what to say. Despite being world champ, in the moment, he felt as if nothing in his life had seemed more challenging than finding words to write on the butterfree patterned paper in his hands.

The clock ticked on the wall.

Delia leaned ever so slightly forward, inhaling a worried breath, as if she was preparing to hold it for him.

Ash blinked.

”I'm dating Gary,“ He suddenly blurted out, ”I- I thought I should tell you,“

Already he was preparing for the worst. If she kicked him out, he probably had the time to grab his Pokemon and bag, and then he could probably run to Gary and set off for who knew where. If he was lucky, he'd probably even be able to get his hands on a couple old stuffed animals or sets of clothes, though he knew that such items weren't as important as his Pokemon. As if the verdict had already been given, he abruptly scooted his chair back, standing stiffly as if about to run out of the room.

”Wait!“ Delia said, standing as well, ”Ash!“

For some reason she didn't sound angry.

Ash turned to look at her, feeling his heart beating like the racing wings of a flying type…

And immediately realized that his fears had not been realized. She still loved him.

“That’s perfectly fine,” she said, working to calm him down. Her smile grew, “Do you want to finish dinner while you tell me about him?”Ash stared for a few more seconds, nearly unable to believe it for a few moments, but soon began to smile again. He did want to tell her about him.

Notes:

And then she broke off her friendship with Professor Oak and took Gary under his wing God bless Mrs. Ketchum.

[missielynne]

I'd love to know what you see as the similarities and differences between 1. Sam and Melinda and 2. Jay and Jim. I think a lot of the characters' differences stem from the genres they're in, like of course Jay is more goofy than Jim because Jim is in the more serious show. Jim is more of a "guy's guy" but I'd live for him having a secretly nerdy side that wants to play games with Jay and Pete :) I love the way Jim and Jay both accept and support their wives completely yet still express their own differing views. As for Sam and Melinda...obviously they're both caring and brave and determined, but (to me) Sam is more extroverted and chipper while Melinda is more introverted, sensitive and cerebral. Sam is more achievement oriented and eager to please and impress while Melinda is used to people viewing her as a weirdo from the time she was a kid so more or less ignores other people's views of her lol. And Sam is definitely more oriented towards the future, a 'can do' type who's into lists, plans, goals, milestones etc, while Melinda's antique shop, sentimental attachment to old items and need to help ghosts resolve prior conflicts shoe her as someone who's strongly attached to the past. This is why Jim is the perfect partner for her --Jim is very attuned to his surroundings and lives in the present, so he pulls Melinda out of her head and helps her appreciate the present moment too! I plan to cover all this in the fic I'll probably end up too lazy to write :) Anyway, I love all four of these characters and would love to hear your thoughts on them!

Melinda: I definitely agree with you, especially re the extraversion introversion thing. A big difference though is that we mostly see Mel deal with ghosts who are way angrier and at least creepier in appearance first off compared to Sam. Like, since Mel's ghosts by and large have to have their whole stories solved in an episode (with a few exceptions such as Kate Payne), she doesn't have time to be as easy and chummy with her ghosts the way Sam is (because we know that being sucked off is a goal on CBS Ghosts but it's not as easy to figure out how to make that happen as it seems to be on Ghost Whisperer.)

One thing I wonder is that IF we saw Sam have to deal with ghosts who were naturally harsher and not as immediately friendly (like send her to deal with the dealmart after dark peeps or the ghosts from the asylum for the criminally insane or whatever the heck was on the same ground as that one coffee shop), WOULD Sam become more guarded and serious like Mel? Would she see helping ghosts more as a job or transaction instead of her thinking now, which is "here are these ghosts who are my friends, or at least not people who are going to treat me harshly. Let's work together to get them where they need to go!"

Also I think Sam has it a wee bit easier than Mel when it comes to being able to tell others about what she can do. Sure, Bela had the "Delia" reaction to finding out Sam could see ghosts initially (i.e., you're crazy, sick, need help, etc.) But because Alberta, Isaac, etc. have powers that can engage the senses of livings, it didn't take long to convince Bela that Sam and Jay were telling the truth and there wasn't any time where you looked at Sam and went "Oh, you poor baby, let me wrap you up in a blanket". (Like I sometimes feel when Mel has to reveal her abilities to ghosts' family members so they can do what they need to do.)

Jay: Totally agree with your assessment of Jay as well, especially him being allowed to be goofier than Jim, but I love that both guys support their wives' ghost seeing endeavors so wholeheartedly and love them so much. (And I know that if there was ever a time Sam was in genuine harm from the ghosts, Jay would just save her like immediately, like when that one ghost made Mel's hair get stuck in the garbage disposal and she was so scared she was crying. I can't remember what episode it's in at the moment though.)

I loved the episode of GW where that super model that Jim had known before reached out to him to help her. It was so interesting to see and I think it would be nice if Jay got to have the same opportunity in an episode.

(I think that if GW had been structured in a way to allow Jim to interact with the ghosts the way Jay does, he totally would have been cool with it. And I think he does have like a gamer side and would be up for playing games with Jay and Pete totally.)

I love them all too...so much.

[avidoro]

Holy crap. Finally home safe and sound and I am so ecstatic! First time flying. First time in New York City. First time seeing Beetlejuice the Musical and I loved every flipping moment of it! We had front row seats on September 30th. My friends managed to slap me dead ass center and it was absolutely amazing. I couldn’t be happier having Alex standing literally a foot away from me. He truly is a living cartoon character as I’ve always said and seeing him so close just proves it. He’s has so much expression and his mannerisms are great! I’m not sure what all changes have been noted but a few of the things that got me: He yelled “WAASSUUUUUUUUP!” when he popped out from behind the couch. Gently sticking his finger in Adam’s pocket and swirling it around when he said, “you make daddy so angry”. “Adam, what the shit is wrong with you?”

During his exit he sang “Jason Derulo” and during the second show we saw he yelled “FUCK BRIGADOON!” We had eight people in our front row group and our friend, Marq, was Alex’s target for the evening. We did not forewarn him about this and it was amazing seeing Marq’s reaction. He and his girlfriend absolutely enjoyed it and it was a great birthday gift to her. Marq got a kiss blown to him by Alex at curtain call. Something I’m quite envious of. Marq made sure to blow one back which appeared to make Alex very happy 😆 My friend, Gou, nearly got pelted by the cup that Alex threw which took her off guard, but she wishes it would have landed in front of her. During curtain call I pulled my phone out to record. Elizabeth saw me recording and pointed at me twice while she did her dance at the end! She’s too precious and I absolutely love her! My best friend’s husband, who hates musicals and was not keen on the idea of visiting NYC, only agreed to go see Beetlejuice the Musical because the movie is one of his absolute favorites. He went in expecting disappointment but left laughing and saying he absolutely wants to see it again but only front row. He also absolute adored Alex. In my book this is a total SUCKS YES! We saw the show again on the 2nd. Act 1 was full of goofups but I love seeing goofs in live shows! Almost lost the handbook to the trap door and Alex just stared at it for a minute. It was hanging on by a thread. The squeaky sound effect when Betelgeuse gooses Adam didn’t go off. The suicide note didn’t ignite. Delia’s dress didn’t attach to the pig so her dress never unraveled. Gou told me, during Act 2, the sound effect for Adam knocking on the door at the end of the show didn’t match up to David’s motion. Alex also blessed the audience with a very loud “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the end of That Beautiful Sound that had the audience responding similarly 😂 The free swag for Sunday was a slap bracelet lol I didn’t get an October Playbill which made me sad. THEY HAVE SANDWORM PLUSHES NOW!! I also got to go see Curtain Up very close to the front and hear Alex and Elizabeth perform Say My Name. They did a brief interview as well. Alex was a goof, as always, and Elizabeth was just adorable! I took more time, the second show, to really look at the mural. I was dragged back to my own piece by Gou and my best friend’s aunt because they saw someone taking photos of my artwork. They insisted on telling them I was the artist and we had a brief discussion about it. It made me happy hearing that they loved my piece enough to take a photo to send to a friend! I was then asked to take a photo of a family in front of the mural only for my best friend’s aunt to insist they sit in front of my piece. I hate bringing attention to myself but they were so confused as to why she was making them move that I had to explain to them why she was doing it and I apologized. But instead the insisted that I not take their photo but instead get in the photo with them and it was really sweet! I don’t know what else to say except this has been amazing and I’m so happy I got to see it before the show closes in January. I wish I could see it one last time but I will forever cherish what I got.

[monstersummongenre]

Ash & Chloe’s Friendship!

I felt the newest episode had a bit of a slight emphasis on Ash & Chloe's relationship in a way so I’m also gonna discuss their friendship, mainly though why I think Chloe is a good friend for Ash to have. (This post will include spoilers for Journey ep 135 Pokemon I’m Glad I Met You)

I realized a couple days ago that Chloe is actually a really good friend for Ash to have. Ash is emotion/instinct/impulse but he doesn't always know how to handle other people's feelings with care. Sometimes he misses other’s feelings completely and Chloe is his friend who tells him what he's missing, openly helps him shift his perspective by laying out the information he needs.

One of the most notable times this happens, Chloe letting Ash know what he missed, the information he doesn’t have, is in the episode Betrayed, Bothered and Beleaguered. In this episode, Pikachu is starting to feel jealous and let out as Ash puts just about all his focus into train Riolu. Ash misses this completely. So when Pikachu gets the attention he’s craving from Delia instead, he decides to go back to Pallet Town, with only Mr. Mime knowing this decision and not being able to inform anyone as he tagged along to ensure Pikachu was okay. 

Now we don’t see this scene on screen as this is a Pikachu-centric episode but after Pikachu leaves, Ash looks around for him. Unable to find him and confused as to why Pikachu would go mia, Ash ends up talking to Chloe, who saw something similar with Yamper literally in the episode before. Chloe had been able to peg Pikachu’s feelings and so tells Ash the why, what was going on, how Pikachu was feeling. This was important for Ash to hear so that in the long run he could course correct.

This isn’t the only time Chloe has filled in information for Ash, nor that Ash had missed someone’s feelings completely.

On Ash’s part, if you go back to one of the earlier seasons, the end of Johto for example, in the episode “Gotta Catch Ya Later”, there’s this scene where Misty gets her bike returned, completely fixed. Ash sees this as a good thing, because well Misty had really wanted her bike fixed, plus her sisters just called saying they need her to watch the gym. However Ash turning to Misty and pointing out that it’s great, now she can get home fast, isn’t at all what she had wanted to hear. She’s upset, he’s confused, she runs off. Ash doesn’t get why she responded that way. In that instance he had Brock who suggests that maybe Misty wanted to keep traveling with them.

In the most recent episode, Journeys episode 135, Ash is in a sort of similar situation. He’s just announced that he and Pikachu will definitely be heading off on a journey. Goh’s upset, Ash is confused, Goh runs off. 

Instead of Brock, Ash has Chloe who, though she wants to go find Goh and make sure he’s okay, is still taking the time to put into words what Goh’s reaction didn’t. She told Ash what he didn’t know, that Goh was considering going on a journey but couldn’t quite decide because of his feelings, because of their friendship.

Not everyone is going to always tell Ash everything, as a matter of fact, I’m not sure how often people actually full-on tell him things, in regards to their feelings and stuff. So when he misses things, he misses them, some things he couldn’t have known or at least couldn’t have known to look for. So I think it’s good for him to have Chloe as a friend because as she’s shown, she will tell him what he doesn’t know.

So yeah, that’s what Chloe does as a friend for Ash. She’s there helping him see the parts of the picture out of his view. 

I don’t fully have it worded out in my head on Ash’s end but I will share what I’m thinking so far.

On the flip side, Ash just gives her some nice help and pleasant attention really. Like I’m sure and I know he could help her in regards to Pokemon but when I think about their interactions, they’re very nice moments, like Ash inviting her to join him and Goh to wherever it was they were heading, or him helping her out with her fossil in that one episode. 

I’m not going to get too into it, but I think Chloe is rather lonely. Goh’s always been off doing his own thing, same for her family, and when she tries to hang out with them they sometimes flake out on her or hold her up. But Ash is like just a friend. And I haven’t quite figured out how to say it, I need to rewatch/watch more episodes with the two of them in them but honestly I think that’s important too. I do know he does sorta flake out on her in the episode she tries Contests Lives by opting to battle instead of heading to the Contest Hall, so maybe that’s part why I haven’t fully figured out what I’m trying to say but I really think that he is a pleasant and good friend for her to have. Maybe he helps her relax.

I’m not quite sure but even in the most recent episode, the emphasis I was referring to before honestly was simply the framing of shots.

They sit and walk next to each other throughout the episode, when theoretically you would expect either of them to be next to Goh, and their were times they were but the times they were interacting was notable.

I hope that if I’m right about Chloe continuing to be an important character in the next series, that they get some more moments of friendship. Maybe Chloe will be one of Ash’s travel companions in the next series while Goh does his own thing lol

[essayofthoughts]

you've presented me with the opportunity to talk about how much I love both Ghost Cass AND the Delia AU (even though I am Not caught up on ghost cass ;w;) so! you've obviously touched on a lot of pre-campaign stuff for the ghost cass fic - do you have any specific lore bits that you took and ran with in a way that you really enjoyed/are proud of? and in the Delia AU, I don't know how much you've thought about this, but considering that Percy's aware Cass is out there, what thoughts on her reaction to Delia do you have that goes deeper than just anger and fear on Percy's behalf, if any?

Distract me from feeling like shit with Q's about my WIPs

Aw, I'm glad you like those so much! And fwiw, I am nowhere near done on the next arc of Ghost Cass, you have months in which to catch up.

Re: Ghost Cass

I'm assuming you mean lore from canon here, but developing out Loran the Bear was a lot of fun! All we know about him from the stream is that he ran into VM a few times on a few pre-stream jobs; we get a bit more in the comics but the comics' accuracy to actual events... I would say is speculative. Much as with Ghost Cass, you have to tweak things, add things and remove things, move things around, in order to make a coherent story, so while the comics are fun, I take them with a large pinch of salt.

And that let me build Loran out a bit. Figure out the kind of person he might have been, who he could have travelled with for jobs, how he and VM knew each other - that kind of thing.

That's also tied to the other thing I had a lot of fun with pre-stream which is just... the kids? Because the missing kids are a slow but persistent part of the general pre-stream events; they're the main questline even if it fades in and out of focus. Writing those kids, writing about them, writing their friends who miss them and worry - I really wanted to show the impact these missing children have on their families, their community. It's not just missing children, it's this whole weight of grief and loss that hits many - and that's before we get to the missing, traumatised children themselves!

And that in turn opened up a lot of opportunities to show characterisation. Percy likely grew up with a large extended family, he's probably capable enough with children - but he's also recovering from trauma and dissociation, so his first reaction to having to deal with kids after all that is "AAAAHH". Meanwhile Keyleth and Vax who care so much, wearing their hearts utterly on their sleeves, are immediately invested and caring. And Vex too cares more than she might initially seem to - because she too was captured and taken and had to fight her way home. She prioritises the money they need to live, but she too understands and feels the need to get those children safe if they can. And in turn, all of these things allow the characters to bond and open up to each other, and to set up groundwork for later events. So much of the pre-stream Arc is set up for later, and I can't wait for the payoff.

Re: Delia AU

Oh I know exactly what Cass' reaction to finding about Delia are - because Percy knows that Cass is alive, or at least was when Ripley wrote that entry, but Cass has no idea that Percy is still alive - she's assuming he's dead. That will hold true up until she hears from Yennen that Percy is alive (she in no way believes the Briarwoods, liars as they are), and Yennen by that point has been working with Percy to keep the people of Whitestone safe - Percy does everything in his power to prevent uprisings because he's aware that every dead body is a new one for the ziggurat and a new one for Delilah's undead army. He fights to keep the peace and he does that in coalition with Yennen, Gertie and a few others in town - and these people all come to realise, one way or another, that the only thing keeping him sane and focussed, the one thing that he will truly kill for... is Delia.

So Yennen does not tell Cass of Delia's existence, because keeping Delia safe is one of Percy's primary driving forces.

So uh. Cass' initial response is pure shock, that Percy has a child, that this child seems to resemble Ripley, that (from what Percy says) this child is Ripley's, and yes this means their family isn't eradicated but it also means that Ripley is a part of their family, the family that she killed and uh...

Cass is extremely traumatised. She's scared and she's angry, and she hates Ripley especially much, for betraying them after working for them for so long, for betraying and lying to Percy, for (she thinks for a long time) killing Percy, and then when she learns of Delia's existence, what she assumes has to have happened for Delia to exist and Percy to be perfectly on board with Operation Get Rid of Ripley and The Briarwoods nonetheless.

And... she can't hate Percy for surviving. She thought he was dead, what she feels most of all is relief-

But what the fuck does she feel about Delia? Her brother's daughter, yes. Her niece. A continuation of the family she thought dead and gone.

But also Ripley's child. And a child still young enough that... who knows how they'll turn out? How much like Ripley might she be? And with how much Percy cares about this child, his daughter - how much hurt might that cause Percy, if Delia turns out to be awful, like her mother?

And Percy, she learns, was trapped by Ripley. Lied to and used by Ripley. Delia was a part of Ripley's plan to do that - and look at how Percy dotes on Delia! Look at how Percy refuses to kill Ripley to try to save Delia the grief of losing her mother! The plan worked!

So uh... yeah, Cass displaces a lot of anger and betrayal and grief onto Delia for a while. This is both understandable and fucked up at once, and Percy and she have some very terse, angry conversations about it before the twins step in to have a conversation with Cass.

After all, the twins know what it's like to be a bastard child born in unfortunate circumstances to a noble and someone of a lower class. The fact that Percy loves his daughter so openly and without reserve is a huge help to them dealing with Syldor's bullshit. Cass acting like that about Delia... kind of reminds them uncomfortably of Syldor's bullshit.

(Cass hates being compared to Syldor - she knows the twins well, better than she does anyone else in the group, she met them first. Being compared to their father stings. They're not wrong, though.)

So. Cass does eventually process some of her upset and ends up becoming a good aunt to Delia - as Delia gets older too, she starts seeing what some around them mention, just how much Delia resembles her father not just in looks but in behaviour (after all, he Percy is the primary parental influence in Delia's life) - but it is not an easy start. It is, in fact, extremely rough for everyone.

(Delia at least gets very simple, direct comfort from Percy. "Your aunt is being an idiot," he says. "She's not thinking clearly, she's just feeling. You can ignore her until she sees sense."

(She also gets hugs on a regular basis - Percy's family when he was growing up may not have touched often, but Percy clings to what family he has left and he never, ever wants Delia to feel unloved.)

[deconstructthendesign]

So it’s been quite an emotional journey over the last several days, vascilating from the belief that I’ll be fine to a drowning panic that I’m going to die. I lost 5lbs, not sure if it’s the zaphound or the fear- probably both.

I decided to rip the Band-Aid off and tell my work group what was happening, secondhand gossip about deferred information is just worse than telling everybody what’s going on. The instant reactions of me being in trouble, a victim, were unexpectedly a lot more difficult than I anticipated. I got all of the “Fuck cancer! You’ve got this!” replies and immediately felt this bucket of existential despair. We are all are just floating alongside one another, mostly pretending to connect- hearing news like that is like a sudden car accident of fear and pain, and the benign toxicity of all of our collective pretty empty narrative in those moments is I think, unconsciously everyone’s way of getting out of the car before it starts burning. I get it.

What the blue-haired receptionist at the breast center said is true - “meet everything with grace.” I don’t know what to do with love besides to push it away so letting it get close to me and my most vulnerable moments will be uncomfortable growth. (Growth! Can I say that?)

I was feeling quite terrified of the biopsy, so Thursday night I just got in my car and started to drive. I found myself in Pacifica and climbed up Mori Point - all of the people walking together, taking pictures of the flowers and the dogs sent me into more darkness and fear that I wouldn’t be alive to experience those simple pleasures. I got back in my car and called my friend Shirley, a very strange, mystical presence in this world, but a good friend nonetheless.

She sat on the other side of my panic and just listened. After my sobbing outburst, I felt this welling inside of me that I didn’t want cancer to be my identity. I almost screamed it out loud that I don’t want to be a cancer victim, I don’t want to be a cancer survivor, I don’t want to walk in some parade because I somehow managed to have access to the medical technology that allowed me to survive what other people die from. I just want to be Diane who had some cancer in her body that was escorted out by any means necessary.

Delia, my friend picked me up for my biopsy yesterday. What other people say is true, managing other peoples’ reactions can feel a little exhausting but you do it with love and grace because they’re here for you and they’re scared too. I brought my mom’s rosary in with me and my podcast on true crime, a duality so perfect for the classic American white woman. The doctor was very gentle and the technician very Indian, I could barely understand her but then again I was almost OK with not knowing what was happening. In this procedure at every step, they ask you for your full name and your date of birth - it’s odd to constantly repeat that information over and over and over again.

The doctor explained exactly what was going to happen and all of the sounds. The anesthetic went in easily, barely felt a prick and I said out loud how great he was at this and he said don’t think me, thank pharmaceutical technology. He was right that the sound of the core, grabbing the sample is the scariest part but in 20 minutes it was over and both of the scary spots were sampled. I asked him if he was going to take a sample of the lymph node and he said they didn’t see anything of concern there so no, he wasn’t. he said likely one of those spots will need to be removed with some surgery and then the technician quietly said she didn’t think there was anything to worry about in the second spot.

There is something really reassuring about both of those statements and I left the appointment feeling a lot less afraid. I think one of the things that will happen in this experiences that I’m going to rewrite my relationship with fear – I get angry at it, absolutely avoid it, stuff with food to manage it – all of that leaves me to avoid people but most of all myself. So that’s one unexpected insight, I am sure there will be others but that’s where things are today.

There are some neuroscience that says fear can’t continue to process when there’s gratitude being processed in the mind as well, so I’m grateful I caught this early. I am grateful for you. I’m deeply grateful for your letter. I’m so grateful for all of the people popping into my life who have survived breast cancer, even my nemesis at work sent word through my supervisor that she is also a cancer survivor. I’m grateful for Kim who said between the Zepbound, chemo and the likely removal of my big boobs,, I’ll likely lose 100 pounds in eight weeks. You were absolutely right, people show up in this journey and show you all the superpowers that you need.

[thisisonlychemistry]

Given the timeline of the time cards, 23x22 first half took place in April, while 23x20 & 23x21 took place in early May and the trial in the finale took place in mid May. That makes sense, trials can take a while to happen. They don't always happen right away.

Meaning that roughly four weeks, Rollins didn't tell Carisi that she reached out to Barba….ouch. I'm sure he understood why she did it, but it hurted him that she didn't tell him…whereas everyone else knew…double ouch.

I know they somewhat made up afterwards when Delia was hospitalized, cause no way was Rollins not reaching out to Carisi after how upset he was with himself making a victim cry on the stand again. Though I do get the feeling he spent the night at his place instead until the trial was over and the two officially made up by saying, "I Love You" for the first time.

"Like, "I love you". I do, ya know." feels like her way of saying:

"I'm sorry for not telling you, I was worried how you would react. Cause I love you a lot, more than you think."

His response, "Still nice to hear. I love you too." feels like his way of saying:

"I know why you did it. Took a bit, but I'm over it now. I know how you much you love me, just as much as I'm in love with you too."

Amanda must have felt dreadful about hurting Carisi like that, especially since when Liv and Fin got Barba involved in 22x04, Amanda went to great pains to tell Carisi that she had nothing to do with it.

I think that the "I love you"s in 23x22 were the first time they had said the words out loud to each other, just going by their reactions. Having said that, I feel like they were both pretty sure about how the other felt, but as Carisi said, it would have been nice to hear. And I agree that there probably was an element of apology to Amanda's declaration; but she also wanted him to know for sure how she felt.

I've always thought that for a man who'd been waiting more than half a decade to be able to tell the woman he loves how he feels and know that she feels the same about him, Carisi played it incredibly cool in that scene!

[soldierheartcd]

Fading to Dust

Send me ‘Fading to Dust’ for my muse’s reaction to watching yours die right in front of them.

When you actually stopped to think about it, life was a funny thing. Most children couldn’t wait to grow up and become independent, but then by the time they became a legal adult, a lot of them wanted nothing more than to be an innocent little kid again. People took so many things for granted that by the time old age sat in and they finally began to look back on their journey, it suddenly felt as if there was still so much left to be done.

Unfortunately, none of those feelings mattered for a certain PEDS surgeon. The once perky blonde was now running on borrowed time, and it didn’t take a doctor to see that it wouldn’t be much longer until her clock finally went silent. That was why she was in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by family and a small handful of close friends who had practically become family over the years.

Next to Arizona’s daughter, Sofia, set another blonde haired doctor who was doing just about anything and everything that she possibly could to keep herself from crying. It wasn’t working very well, but maybe everyone else would be too focused on the woman in the bed to bother noticing. About half an hour later once the others had finished saying their final goodbyes and the room was almost completely cleared out, the second generation cardiothoracic surgeon suddenly found herself at a loss for words. She’d made it a point to remind her aunt of so many different good times they’d experienced together over the years, and now she was drawing a complete blank. How typical.

“I umn… I don’t know if you can hear me right now, but I just wanted to say thank you.” Bottom lip already trembling, she swallowed the ever growing lump in her throat before continuing with her little speech. “Thank you for always being there whenever I needed you, even if it wasn’t exactly the most convenient time. It meant more to me than you’ll ever know that I could turn to you with even the darkest of thoughts and you wouldn’t ever judge or look at me any differently. I know your job was to save tiny humans on a daily basis, but you also saved a not so tiny one, too – countless times.”

What Delia would have done without Arizona in her life, she was glad she never had to find out. Well, at least not up until that point anyway. “You helped give me so much confidence, and you made me a better person with some of your wisdom. It’s true, you really did. I think my favorite was when I was about eight years old and we were at the zoo. You let me eat junk food, and you told me that popcorn and ice cream tasted to good for it to kill me.” After a little lighthearted piece of humor to lighten the increasingly depressing atmosphere, she could have sworn she caught a glimpse of the smallest of smiles on the dying woman’s face, even with her eyes closed and body almost completely still.

“I’m sure Sofia’s already taken care of reminding you what an amazing mom you’ve been, so I guess all that’s left to say now is that I love you. I love you so much, and I’ll never forget you. We’re going to continue that legacy you’re leaving behind, and –” Now she was getting too choked up to express much more. “Say hi to my dad for me when you get there, will you? Oh, and Aunt Callie, too. I’m sure she’ll be more than thrilled to finally see you again. Don’t forget to watch out for us when you can, okay? Between the two of us, we’re going to need all the help that we can get.”

With a gentle kiss on the forehead, Delia stood up from her chair next to Arizona’s bed and moved to pull her best friend close. As if on cue, the two girls began repeating a chant of sorts that they’d first heard as tiny humans when they were startled awake by a nightmare. “Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away. Good dreams, good dreams, here to stay.”

Repeat until flatline.

Time of Death: 6:54 p.m.

[anotherworldash]

Pokeshipping : SuMo Analysis

Disclaimer : Pokemon is a series of video games developed by Game Freak and published by Nintendo and The Pokémon Company under the Pokémon media franchise. IT IS NOT MINE.

Warning : I acknowledge that Pokeani is a show for kids, it is not a romance show and the main character will remains 10 years old. There will be no canon ship EVER. Even the current and most popular ship ever will sink with newer companions replacing the current ones. What written below is my interpretation and observation of Pokeshipping. I will censor other ships and other character's name because this content is made from a pokeshipper for fellow pokeshippers ONLY. I will talk about other companion in this journal to prove some points. While the content isn't offensive, it might still be sensitive for devout shippers. You've been warned!

Let's get to Pokeshipping. I want to say Happy SatoKasu day to all of us Pokeshippers!(GMT+7) This article is especially written to celebrate our favorite ship and to share my character analysis in Pokeshipping while watching SunMo. This article will also be published in my dA.

When I binge-watched newer season and reached Sun & Moon. I was awed, the series has revived my love for both Pokeshipping and Pokeani. The art style and storyline is so fresh. They also throwed in so much Ash x Misty scenes together in SunMo. I saw those scenes as Pokeshipping hints, especially knowing Ash's character.

Here, I will give you the hints that I saw :

1. Ash was willing to give Misty his Z-ring (In JP, Removed in Dub)

He didn't immediately said "No". This statement sounds crazy, right? But, this response actually tells a lot about Ash's reaction.

First, we must understand Ash's character. He is the type of person who knows boundary of his belongings and time. For example : when he refused D4wn’s request to try Misty's lure in DP and when he refused XYZ team’s sudden break to help with the video.

Ash always knows what to do. If he doesn't wanna do it, he will answer it clearly. He can be convinced later, but he is a decisive guy. So, we know when he reacted with only shocked face, he wasn't gonna say "no" to Misty.

(Ash gave immediate and clear answer to D4wn's request, although later, they were shown bickering about the lure and we don't know if they share it in the end or not)

(Ash gave immediate and clear answer to Bonnie's request, although later, he were convinced they all need some rest)

2. Ash still holds on to Misty's handkerchief and still bear affection towards her

Talking about giving things, I found it interesting that Ash didn't return Misty's handkerchief in SunMo.

Okay, looks like he doesn't bring that handkerchief everywhere. Just like Misty's lure, he was shown without the lure in SunMo. Which makes sense, Ash was on holiday with Delia and Mr.Mime. He didn't even have his fishing rod with him in the beginning of season. He probably keeps her lure and handkerchief in his room stashed safely in his desk, so that he doesn't lose it like he almost lost it to buizel due to his clumsiness.

But after watching S3ren4 holding on to Ash's handkerchief in XYZ, the parallel in both scenes made it clear that : holding on handkerchief symbolize bearing affection towards the owner.

Which only mean one thing if he is still holding on to it up until now. (Journeys)

(This is my own thoughts, but when it comes to storytelling, you can't say this is just a coincidence)

3. Ash remembers small details about Misty

I love how they made reference to earliest episode of Pokemon with Caterpie to show that Ash remembers every small detail of Misty. Even her Psyduck.

And he is the one who make remarks about Misty. He didn't need to be reminded.

As you see, Ash is forgetful. He tends to forget some important facts , like his Snivy's gender and an eventful meeting that made a girl fell head over heels in love with him. Even the fact HE IS ALOLA LEAGUE CHAMPION. So him remembering every little details of Misty is just awesome Pokeshipping moment.

Ash making comments about Misty when no one asked.

In S3R3n4's defense, that moment was pretty sweet. And it's quite a big event for kids to get lost in woods. But he needs to be reminded twice. Plus with handkerchief. 

What does it mean when you forget your pet's gender? Is she not that important? Or are you just forgetful? Either way... Ash forgot important detail like this.

Ash forgot he's Alola League Champion

4. Ash think of her everywhere he goes

What's more to say? They might not meet everyday, but Ash knows which places Misty will love. And that's LOADS... for a forgetful guy. Misty totally lives rent-free in his mind.

5. Up until SunMo/Journeys episode JNS04/奇跡の輝き！シンオウ伝説！, Misty is the only girl Ash got jealous over 

Ash is surely popular with girls. Let's name the girls who kissed Ash over the seasons : L4t1as (4lt0shipping), S3r3n4, M3L0Dy. Yet, there's only one girl whose attention he wasn't willing to share with others : Misty.

His jealousy almost killed him. From OS93: Navel Maneuvers episode

Offscreen funfacts :

- Pokenchi segment shipping SatoKasu (From daily satokasu : this answer is not a hint, but an innocent question and and answer) still YEAH ! Say YES to Pokeshipping, I'm so happy it's mentioned in national TV

- Brock's VA hinting someone like Kasumi to be Ash's wife 

Q : WHAT KIND OF PARTNER WOULD THEY BE IF THEY GOT MARRIED?

Satoshi : Satoshi is cheerful, kind, and reliable, so I think he'll be a good father. I'm sure he will raise a kind and loving family, but he's a bit of a scatterbrain, so he'll probably get  scolded by his partner a lot too (laugh).

Doesn't that sound like Kasumi?

^_^ Well, that’s the end of this article. Hope you all enjoyed it!

[leah-halliwell92]

The Return of Walter Peck

Summary: Sabrina takes over for Janine and comes face to face with Walter Peck. (Thick!Girl x Egon Spengler)

Sabrina has been the night shift secretary for about three or so months now. She, like Janine, has mild psychic abilities her specialty were auras and spirits, much to to one Dr. Spengler’s intrigue. She grinned tenderly at the thought of the taller man. He’d wanted to run some tests and she was curious to quiz him on the things he was creating and improving for the job. 

The week had been slow so Ray and Peter agreed they could make do with one secretary, so Janine opted for the next couple of days off. Leaving Sabrina to handle the phone calls and any cases that might pop up. 

Peter, Ray and Winston had gone out for food leaving Egon and Sabrina alone at the temporary office. Sabrina read her book her head bobbing softly to the song currently playing softly on the radio. The morning had been lovely with Egon coming up more than usual to check up on her, which she thought odd but chalked it up to his usual mannerisms. 

All had been well when the bell of the temporary office rang announcing the arrival of a potential client. Sabrina looked up to find a blonde man in a suit looking around as he leisurely walked around the waiting area. Sabrina kept a subtle eye on as she “read” her book. 

The man reached her desk and looked like he was going to move to the back offices when he finally spotted you.

“Can I help you sir?” Sabrina asked as “cheerfully” as she could muster.

“Bedside manners seem to have improved,” he said to himself as he gave Sabrina a look over. 

Sabrina to her credit did not openly shiver at his slimy once over. 

“I was originally looking for the ghostbusters,” he said in what he thought was a charming manner, “But I’m pretty sure you’ve all the answers I’m looking for.”

Sabrina was not amused, she’d been fooled like that before. And having a man flirt with her because he thinks her dumb is not something she’s fond of experiencing. Granted it didn’t take much for a man like this one to think a woman dumb. 

“You’ll have to come in at another time Mr. Peck,” she said as professionally as she could, “None of my employers are currently available, but if you leave me a message I’ll be sure to get it to them as soon as they come back.”

Her nonna Delia would be proud, her ma not so much, but who cares! Her goal is to get rid of this creep as quickly as humanly possible. 

“I’ll be by later today,” he said with a wink and, finally, left the building.

Sabrina sighed in relief and nearly ran to the back of the office where a makeshift tell her shop was set up.

Egon looked up at the sound of her rapidly approaching heels and concern took over at her clearly agitated state. 

He stood from the stool and approached her heaving form. 

“Are you alright?” He asked concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah,” she said with a shaky nod, “Just some guy left me feeling weird.”

“Another Venkman groupie?” He asked with a smirk.

“Nope, this one was a guy and too well dressed for the likes of Peter Venkman,” Sabrina said with a laugh, “But this guy reeked of false high standard. He came in asking to talk to one of you but I said no one was in.”

Egon looked at her surprised and asked, “Why not call me up?”

Sabrina blushed lightly and said, “You’re busy rebuilding and I wasn’t going to interrupt you over what could have been a covert journalist.”

Egon was touched by her care. He’d been surprised at her consideration of him and his actions/reactions. She never touched him before letting him know, if she touched him, she made sure he ate and made sure to at least sleep a full four hours before going back to work. But what really threw him for a loop are the times she’d come down and just listen to him talk...about anything. And always wondered why. 

“Did he at least leave a name?” He asked giving himself a mental shake.

“Water Peck,” Sabrina said and gave him space as soon as she saw the stony look take over the doctor’s face, “I take it you know him?”

“We’ve met...” Egon said stiffly before turning fully to her and saying, “Did he leave any message?”

Sabrina shook her head telling him that Peck only said he’d be by later in the day. 

“If he comes back don’t hesitate to call me up,” he said seriously. 

“You’re sure?” Sabrina asked. 

Egon nodded, he has business to finish with that...man. 

Sabrina took a deep breath and relaxed. If Egon was there when the creep showed up she’d be fine. 

“Are you sure ok?” He asked noting how she seemed to be deep in thought.

“I’ll be fine,” she reassured, “It’s not the first time I've been face to face with a creep.”

“Did he do or say something you?” Egon was on high alert now scanning you making sure you were untouched.

“I’m fine Spengs,” Sabrina reassured once again, “He just...I...”

Sabrina took a deep breath and started from the top.

“He just gave leered at me like most creeps do,” she said quietly suddenly finding a spot on Egon’s sweater interesting. 

The pair stayed in silence for a while taking in what was just said

As if she needed another reason to feel embarrassed for being a big girl. She knew most men thought of her. She is either too fat to be attractive, or she’s fat enough to be a fuck and dumb and desperate enough to fall for it. She didn’t need to know that Egon though that of her too.

Sabrina cleared her throat and excused herself to the front. She cared for the introverted doctor, has a bit of a crush on him too. But in her mind that is something that needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. Past experiences have taught her that not even the smart ones look beyond what is skin deep. They’re better off as borderline, maybe, friends and that is as far as things would go.

Sabrina had made herself comfortable enough to doodle in on a spare piece of paper. All she longed for now was the day to end so she could go home and lick her wounds with the two men that have never let her down, Ben and Jerry. To her surprise, Egon walked in a thick tome in one hand and a clip board in the other. He didn’t say anything as he pulled a rolling chair to the other, computer less, side of the desk and made himself at home. Which was out of character for him. 

She kept her gaze on her doodle missing the tender looks he was sending her way. 

They did their own thing in a fairly comfortable silence, each engrossed in their own work just taking in the presence of another human. The peace was broken when said creep walked back into the office. 

Sabrina put away her drawing, drew as much strength as she could muster and prayed it was enough to keep her head straight. 

Egon on the other hand stayed seated, albeit stiffer then when he was before Peck walked in. Letting Sabrina complete the pleasantries. 

“I see one of your bosses has come back,” Peck noted with false interest. 

Egon noticed Peck eyeing Sabrina and felt a hot stripe of anger shot through at the incredulity of this ape to look upon a woman as a bare object. Least of all the sweet young woman that took care of hi–them when they insisted on take out. 

“He’d just arrived from lunch, we were going over the books,” she lied easily. 

Peck gave a cocky nod and kept his distance seeing who it was that was sitting at the desk.

‘Smart man,’ Egon thought fighting a smirk.

Sabrina stood and made to ‘work’ on other things and give the men space to talk. She was used to being dismissed, its the 80s, not much consideration was given to women even if their stations were of value. 

“You’re leaving?” Peck asked lightly.

“I’ve files to organize and you did come here looking for one of my employers,” Sabrina said directly yet respectfully, “Excuse me.”

Sabrina fought the urge to bolt but was stopped. 

“Wait,” Peck called out, “What time to you get off? Take you out for a drink?”

“She’s not interested,” Egon said seriously finally standing. 

“She can answer for herself,” Peck said eyeing Egon warily. 

“She is right here and not interested,” Sabrina said loudly, annoyed at both men. 

“Oh come on a girl like you clearly has nothing better to do,” Peck said arrogantly.”

“A girl like me?” Sabrina asked rhetorically.

He waved his hand about nonchalantly, “Well you know...big girls.”

“Are you insinuating that because I’m fat, I'd be desperate enough to go out with you?” Sabrina asked flatly. 

Egon’s blood froze. 

“Well, you’re not unattractive and seem smart,” Peck said cocky grin on his face as if he thought he was getting somewhere.

“Seem smart?” Egon asked lowly. 

“Well she’s a woman,” Peck said, “Come on even a genius like yourself must admit that girls like her can’t seem to go far.”

Sabrina had heard this since high school. Her well meaning aunties proclaiming she has the perfect child bearing body, nonna lucia’s passive aggressive comments on how she must loose weight to find a successful man but then shaming her for not eating enough, the mocking of her peers and pitying looks of her teachers.

“Clearly stated she’s a woman yes,” Egon said, “And yet so far the only one whose proven that an individual can’t go far is you.”

Peck sputtered at that.

“And to be specific she is not interested because she already has a partner,” Egon said cold, calculating, grin on his face, “And I guarantee you she holds her own.”

Peck’s eyes widened and went from Egon to her and back to Egon.

“Are you so desperate for something that you’d sink so low as to fuck your boss?!” Peck yelled at her, “I see now that you’re nothing but the office slut.”

Sabrina ran from the room in tears, shame and embarrassment coursing through her as she heard the ghosts of the mocking and taunting all around her. 

Peck looked satisfied at his job which set Egon off.

“You really are full of yourself,” Egon said and without warning approached the man and knocked him out cold. He nodded in satisfaction and went in search of his girl.

He found Sabrina in the makeshift lab, sitting on the couch hugging a pillow. He knelt by her side and placed a hand on her shoulder startling her.

Sabrina jumped slightly at the feel of a hand on her shoulder. She looked to find Egon and a kind smile.

“You didn’t need to do that,” Sabrina said wiping away the tears,

“Not my best moment, nor how I wanted to ask you to dinner, but I thought it would be enough to shut him up,” Egon said honestly. 

When he mentioned asking her out she was floored, “Asking me out?”

He blushed and nodded.

“But I’m–”

“Absolutely gorgeous,” he said honestly, “And smart, and patient. Not many people can deal with my weird ticks and quirks. But you are patient and make sure I’m alright and sleeping and eating. You make sure to have extra blankets for the nights I stay here. And you let me ramble on about what I do.”

Sabrina looked at him in wonder.

“Don’t you see?” He asked borderline hysterical in his anxiety to let her know just how special she is to him.

“But I like listening to you,” Sabrina said quietly, “Daddy’s a mechanic and my brother is a bio chem major.”

This floored Egon, and he finally realized why it was that when he went on tangents she seemed to meet him halfway. 

The pair shared warm grins.

“How does Italian sound?” Egon asked.

“I’ll cook then,” Sabrina replied, “Come by mine at around 6?”

Egon nodded sitting next to her and pulling her into a warm hug.

Both sighed in relief as unnecessary walls crumbled. The last thing Egon thought of was a promise to make her see how lovely she is to him before they heard...

“Someone left me a present!” 

[suckerforcate]

You are loved

Pairing: Cordelia Goode×Reader

Word Count: 5386

Warning: smut, a bit of insecurities but mostly fluffy

A/n: So this is more of a slowburn and I want to warn you, this is my first fanfiction of Cordelia ever and I'm not sure if I got her character right. It happens right after Fiona and Cordelia talking. (I quoted it) Also English isn't my first language. Also I am feeling kind of insecure about this cause I've never posted something from me. Feedback would be great!

Summary: Cordelia feels horrible because of Fiona, and your try to help her. In that process you become friends or maybe more?

You can't help me. You can't help anyone. You're worthless, hopeless. Get out of my sight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were sitting on your bed reading a book as always when you heard somebody slamming a door. You fastly realised it was Cordelias, whos room was just next to yours. You didn't think to much about it, it could have just been the wind, and went on reading.

A little later you heard sobs from somewhere quite close to your room. You put your book aside and left your room to see if it was Cordelia. As you came closer to her room you could clearly identify them as hers. You really didn't want to annoy or bother her but you started you get really worried. This wasn't like her at all, slamming doors and crying alone in the bedroom. You gently knocked on her door, without an answer. "Miss Cordelia? Is everything alright?" Still no answer. "I come in now, ok?" As she still wasn't answering you slowly opened the door and looked through the little door gap. You were shocked and didn't know what to do for a second when you saw Cordelia sitting on the floor in the middle of the room sobbing and crying. You ran to her and pulled her into a hug, you didn't want her to feel uncomfortable because of this but it would have broken your heart to see her like this and do nothing.

The moment you pulled her in she held on tight to your shirt and didn't want to loosen her grip. Her sobs grew louder as you gently rubbed her hair. "Shhh...Everything is alright. I'm here, Miss Cordelia." You held her like this till her sobs started to fall silent. You pushed her a little away from you to see her face and wiped away some tears that were still falling down her beautiful cheeks. You felt a wave of anger coming up towards whoever hurt her and made her feel this way. "What happened? Who hurt you?" She wanted to look down but you gently pulled her face up with your thumb. You looked her directly in the red and teary eyes and all the pain, insecurities amd sorrow you saw there broke your heart. You wished you could keep her safe from the world and take all this pain away from her. "I-... she is right I am an absolute failure..." she sobbed again, her voice wasn't more than a whisper now, "I did nothing meaningful in my life I can't help anyone, I'm useless!", "Shhh, don't say that Delia, please! You're wonderful, you lead this school. You are like a mother to all of us and we need you, you help us everyday! Whoever told you this is an Idiot!" as you said that you realised you didn't know who told her these horrible things but you already had an idea. You couldn't think about it longer as Cordelia swung her arms around your neck and started to sob again.

"Come on, we'll take you to bed. You need some rest know." You helped her stand up and brought her to her bed. You pulled the covers over her and the same second you gave her a kiss on the forehead she fell asleep.

You slowly and quietly left her room, but the instance you closed her door you stormed down the stairs and rushed into the living room. You felt like a fire was burning inside of you. The moment you saw Fiona sitting on the couch with a cigarette in the hand like nothing happened you got even angrier. "How dare you tell Cordelia those things? How dare you tell her she is useless and doesn't help anyone? Everything was fine until you came back! You had no right to come here after all this time and insult her all day! And don't tell me that you are the Supreme, I don't care! You are her mother." "Come down (Y/n). Its not that big of a deal, ok? I Just told her the truth." You steped closer to her and slapped her across the face. "NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?! She sat crying on her floor because she believes all those things you tell her! She is the most wonderful human I know and I won't tolerate this behaviour towards her. I don't care who you are!" you saw the corners of her mouth rising. She was laughing, really?! "I think Delia found herself a girlfriend? Didn't she?" "Careful what you say!" and with that you rushed out of the room again.

You stormed into your room again and laid down in your bed. How can Fiona say something like that to her own daughter?! That's horrible. I need to make her feel better somehow, she shouldn't believe those things! And with an idea how to help Cordelia on your mind you fell asleep.

The next day you woke up before everyone else, put on some clothes and went into the greenhouse. You wanted to put some roses onto Cordelias desk, so you grabbed some and made a nice little bouquet for her. But you weren't quit satisfied with the shade of yellow they had. You wanted to turn them into a different colour, the problem was just: you never managed to do that before. But you tried it, the colour you thought of was one that reminded you of Cordelia. She ones wore a nice blouse in a beautiful light shade of pink. You focused on the image of Cordelia in that blouse and closed your eyes. You remembered every detail of that blouse, that shade, Cordelia. As you opened your eyes, the roses had the exact colour of the blouse. For the first time you did it.

You grabbed the flowers and went to your room. Your wrote a little note saying:

I did it, just for you.

Love (Y/n)

You pushed the note between the flowers, put some water into a vase and quietly brought the flowers to Cordelias desk. After that you read a little bit in your book until it was time for breakfast.

After breakfast you saw Cordelia going to her office and the next time you saw her was in class an hour later. You sat at the table focused on the potion you should make when you felt someone standing behind you. "Thank you, Darling. I appreciated your help yesterday and the flowers very much."  whispered Cordelia in your ear and walked away. For the rest of the class you couldn't stop smiling, the thought that she felt better made you happy. After class as you wanted to leave somebody grabbed your wrist. It was Cordelia. You turned around just to be pulled into a hug within the same second. You heard her mumble something into your ear: "Really! Thank you, you don't know what that means to me (Y/n). Even though I would appreciate it very much if you wouldn't tell anyone. You saw me at one of my weakest points, not everyone needs to know about that." You wiped away a single tear that fell down her cheek as you said: "Shhh, everything is alright. I didn't even think about telling somebody! This is our little secret. And please know that you can always come to me when something is on your mind, alright?" She slowly nodded and you hugged her again before you left for Myrtle's class.

After that you and Cordelia became friends, you spend much more time together and you often helped her in the greenhouse. You also always had an eye on Fiona. You wanted to make sure she wouldn't hurt Cordelia again.

On a nice Saturday evening, when Zoe, Madison and Queenie decided to go out and party a little bit, you had planed a nice movie night with Cordelia."Just put on some comfy clothes and come to my room. I will have everything prepared." you had snacks, something to drink and one of you favourite movies "Pride and Prejudice" picked out. She hadn't watched it yet so you found this as the perfect opportunity to change that. When Cordelia came to your room in the evening you were speechless. She was just wearing some joggers and a loosen shirt. Her hair was tied together into a low ponytail but she looked absolutely stunning. You always thought she was beautiful but now without make up in those comfortable clothes she just radiated pure beauty. So you choose to tell her so, you were still trying to convince her that what her mother says is bullshit.

"Is something wrong with my clothes? Why are you staring at me like that?" Cordelia suddenly looked very shy and insecure. You directly stepped forward to her beacuse this was absolutely not the reaction you wanted. You grabbed her hands and looked at her " No,no,no.. I was staring because you look so beautiful." She rolled her eyes and went to my bed. "What?" I turned around in disbelieve. "(Y/n) I look hideous, I don't even wear make up!" a single tear rolled down her cheek. I immediately went to her, sat down next to her and wiped the tear away. "Cordelia don't say that! You look beautiful with and without make up! You are beautiful from the inside and the outside. Please Delia believe me!" It broke your heart to see that she thought so bad about herself. You laid down on the bed and pulled her with you. "Come on let's watch the movie." You smiled and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, (Y/n). For everything!" You watched the movie together and soon you felt that Cordelia fell asleep in your arms. You let her sleep in your room, she looked too peaceful to wake her.

-------------

It was Sunday and everyone was doing something by themselves, you were sitting on your bed and tried to draw something. You hadn't drawn something for ages. You slowly started to sketch the outlines of a face, then the eyes, the nose, the lips. When you were finished you looked at it and realised you drew her. Cordelia. You didn't plan to do so but it happened. As you looked at it something came to your mind so you searched a pen and wrote it under the sketch.

Oh, Delia,

my wonderful Cordelia.

I want to see you all the time,

I want to feel you day and night.

Oh, Delia,

my wonderful Cordelia.

As you heard footsteps coming closer to your room you put the paper into your diary and pulled the sheets over it. Zoe opened the door, "Dinner is ready, do you come?", "Sure!". You stood up and headed to dinner with Zoe.

After dinner you headed back to your room and sat down on you bed. You still thought about the drawing you did earlier. Why did you draw Cordelia? Of course she was yo friend she meant something to you, but... you didn't love her. Did you?

You laid down and started at the ceiling. Your thought drifted off to Cordelia. You closed your eyes and imagined her face. Her beautiful laugh, the way her eyes light up when somebody succeeded a new spell, her soft voice that always comforted you. Her soft hair, that always fell perfectly over her shoulders down to her breasts. Her beautiful skinny waist and her long and elegant legs. We'll maybe you were in love with her, but actually who wouldn't fall I love with her. She is an angel, shining like the moon, warming up your heart like the sun and calming like a cold night breeze. As you were still thinking about her you slowly fell asleep. Your dreams were haunted by her golden hair, her soft skin and her radiating, warming laugh.

The next day as you were entering the greenhouse for your Class with Cordelia, you winked at her and sat down on your seat. "Looking good today, Miss Cordelia." She wore the blouse you thought about while colouring the flowers. She was radiating warmth and beauty as always but especially when she was in the greenhouse she seemed even happier and more at ease with herself. That calmness and confidence she had with her than made her even more ravishing. It was hard to concentrate throughout the class, it always felt like you were looking right into the sun, you picked the wrong ingredients, used too much of the herbs and even accidentally threw the bowl down.

At the beginning Cordelia joked about it and always looked at you with an amused smile but as it got more and more she started to look quit worried. After class ended and you wanted to leave she pulled you back at the wrist. Deja vú. "What's wrong (Y/n)? You seemed so absent today. Is everything okay?" She gave you a comforting smile that seemed to say it's okay, you can tell me. But you couldn't tell her. She liked you, yes. But she didn't love you. Your friendship with her was too precious to endanger it like this. "Nothing, just tired. Everything's fine!" You gave her a fast, reassuring smile, turned around and left as fast as possible. With that you left a confused and worried Cordelia.

She knew you well enough by now to know that there was more behind this than just being tired. So after she had cleaned the greenhouse and did all her paperwork for the day she chose to talk to you again. Something was wrong and she was determined to find out what it was. So she went to your room an gently knocked.  As she got no reaction she knocked again but there was still no reaction. She slowly opened the door and stepped in. She looked through the room but you weren't there. As she wanted to turn around and leave she saw a book laying on the floor. Because books shouldn't be on the floor, she picked it up and put it on your bed. As she did that she saw a paper looking our of the book, normally she wouldn't have cared but she saw her name Delia on it. She hoped it would be an answer to why you were acting so strange lately. She opened the book and pulled out the paper. At first she didn't even understand that you had drawn her but as she did and then read the little poem you wrote under it, her confusion just grew. She actually knew what it meant and deep down she already knew even before this but her self esteem was too low to believe anyone could love her. The one time she did believe that that was possible she married a witchhunter. Her mind started making her believe that what she thought about your feelings was something she imagined. So as she read the poem her mind pretended it had to be something different, something she didn't understand.

Oh, Delia,

my wonderful Cordelia.

I want to see you all the time,

I want to feel you day and night.

Oh, Delia,

my wonderful Cordelia.

She folded the paper neatly and left your room. The only other place were you could be was the greenhouse. You loved to read there because the only person who came there out of class was Cordelia. You didn't mind her presence at all so that was fine. But Madison used to talk all the time, Zoe wanted to know what you were reading and Queenie just wasn't your best friend. That wasn't an reading atmosphere. Cordelia knew that so she went straight to the greenhouse.

She entered the greenhouse and her eyes wandern through the rooms and corners between all the plants until her eyes met yours. You heard her coming in and already looked at her. "(Y/n) can we talk?" You started to get nervous, this phrase never meant something good. You slowly put your book aside and stood up. Cordelia had sat down at one of the tables that were normally used for classes. You pulled up a chair and sat down next to her. "What is it? Has something happened. Your scaring me, Delia!" you looked her right in the eye cause normally you could easily read her like that but today there was nothing. Like she wanted to hide it all away from you. It hurt because you thought she wanted to shut you out but as she heard that she scared you, something happened in her eyes. They softened for a second and showed empathy. "No, nothing happened. Don't worry!" She shyly smiled at you. But as fast as this empathy came it was away again. She didn't look angry or the way she does when you or the girls fucked up. It was just nothing.

This nothing probably scared you even more than her being angry.

"Please Cordelia, tell me what's wrong?!"

"I actually wanted to talk to you, because you were so strange in class today. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't sure what it was. So I went to your room to see if you were there. But you weren't. I knew you were in the greenhouse then. So I turned around to go. But I nearly stepped on a book on the floor. Books down belong on the floor (Y/n). I picked it up to put it on your bed and I.... I saw a piece of paper in it with my name on it. I, (Y/n), I didn't mean to look at it but I thought it would explain your strange behaviour...." your eyes widened as you realised that she saw the drawing and the little poem. Why did you leave it open in your room. It was just a matter of time that someone saw it. But of course it directly had to be Cordelia. She probably hates you now. You couldn't even look her in the eyes anymore.

"...so I pulled it out. (Y/n) I am really sorry you have to believe me I didn't respect your privacy. But as I looked at it I didn't understand anything. (Y/n) what does that mean?" She put her hand above mine and gently rubbed over it with her thumb. I felt the urge to pull my hand away cause I was so embarrassed and afraid what she would think but I didn't want to make it worse. I felt the tears well up in my eyes.

"(Y/n) what's wrong. Please talk to me, don't shut me out. It's all okay." she gently pulled my chin up with her hand and I finally looked into her eyes. All I saw was love and worry. No anger no coldness and no nothing anymore. This look of her gave me strength and before I could think about it I blurted it out. "I love you, Cordelia. I didn't mean to fall in love with you. It just happened. We spend so much time together and we got so close. I'm sorry." Cordelia said nothing, she just looked at you in shock. As she wanted to pull her hand away you grabbed it. "Please Cordelia say something!" You had no idea what was going on in her because her eyes just showed shock. Suddenly she stood up and left. She just left you alone sitting there.

There were a hundred thoughts in your head all asking questions to which you didn't have an answer. You knew you had to talk to Cordelia. She was your teachers and one of your best friends. You couldn't just not talk to each other. That didn't work. So you stood up an searched her. There weren't alot of places where she could be. You knew she probably wanted to be alone so the options were her office or her bedroom. You first went to her office. You didn't even bother to knock you just opened the door but Cordelia wasn't there. You left and went to her bedroom. You just wanted to open the door as you heard someone crying. It was a really quite crying but it was there. But I didn't come from Cordelias room. It came from yours. You quietly approached the door and opened it. You saw Cordelia sitting on your bed crying.

As you closed the door she looked up. "What are you doing here (Y/n)?" You smiled amused. "Well, I could ask you the same question. This is my room Delia. Your sitting on my bed." She opened her eyes widely and wanted to stand up. "I am so sorry. I must have mistaken our rooms. I will leave. Sorry!" You quickly stepped forward and grabbed her arms. "Stop, stop, stop. You will go nowhere. Neither am I angry nor do I want you to go because we have to talk. So sit down again, please." She shyly looked at you and sat down.

Her eyes were still red and puffy from the crying. Her cheeks still wet. You carefully dried them and sat down next to her. "Why did you just leave?" She didn't answer your question and just ignored it. "Why didn't you tell me (Y/n)?". You had to think about this question a little bit, but the truth was you were just scared. So so scared. "Look Delia, I...to be honest I was just scared. I was afraid of your reaction, of what you would think and that it could damage our friendship. This friendship means more than anything to me. Your my best friend." Your voice started to crack and some tears escaped your eyes. "And I think your reaction said more than words could have ever. But it's okay, really. As long as our friendship won't be damaged." You tried to smile but it more looked like you were being tortured.

"No, (Y/n). Don't say that, I... I think you got the wrong impression. I run away because I couldn't belive that you could love me. I mean look at me. I am like, what? 20? years older that you. Your still young and beautiful. How could you love me? Why don't you love Zoe or Madison?" More and more tears fell down her cheeks. As you felt a tear drop on your hand you realised that your were crying too. But not because of your feelings. No, you were crying because of the things Cordelia said about herself. It broke your heart that this person that you saw as the most amazing person in the world things so bad about herself.

"Oh, Delia. Please don't say those things. Listen to me okay? You are not just beautiful, your beauty is ethereal. You are perfect in any way and I never not for one second thought about the age gap. Okay? I don't care about you being 20 years older. You are the one I chose, the one I fell in love with. I want to spend my life with you. You make me feel so warm and so loved. More than I've ever did before. I am the happiest me ever. Because of you. Because of you I have a reason to stand up every morning. The thought of your warm smile and your honest laugh makes my heart light up. Where ever I am, the thought of you makes me feel at home. And I-...I just don't want to be away from you. I want to be with you all the time. Fall asleep in your arms. Wake up with my eyes on you. Walk through my day while you tell me stupid jokes. Want to listen to your voice every minute until we die. You make me complete, Delia. I love you!"

Without thinking about it you leaned forward and cupped her cheeks before you kissed her. Her lips were still wet from her tears so you layed all your love into this one kiss. You wanted Cordelia to feel what you just told her. Your right hand slowly wandered down to her hip to pull her closer to you.

Cordelia hesitated at first but than she laid her hand on your cheek and kissed you back. The kiss ended as you both pulled away and gasped for air.

Cordelia swung her arms around you and laid her head into the crook of your neck. You could feel some tears falling onto your shoulder. You could hear her whisper something into your ear so quietly you weren't even sure you were meant to hear it but she pulled back and repeated it louder and with more confidence. "I love you (Y/n). I always did. I just didn't think someone like you could love me." You kissed her again. It was a short kiss but it was full of love and adoration.

"Just because your mother and Hank made you believe your unloveable and not worthy of any kind of love or affection doesn't mean its true. Okay?" You gently stroked her hair as you said that. You hugged her around the waist and pulled her closer to you. She pulled you down with her so you were both laying on your bed arms in arms. You fell asleep in this position and you both slept better than ever before.

-------------

The next weeks were perfect, better than you could have ever imagined. The relationship with Cordelia filled you up with love and warmth. You wanted to make her feel your love and adoration every day, every second. You told her how beautiful she is every day and always tried to make her smile when she had a stressfull day. But there was still one thing that she was really insecure about. Her body, her naked body. She always changed clothes in a hurry, in the bathroom or she turned around. You couldn't understand why because you guessed she was absoultely stunning. But you also didn't want to push her so you accepted it.

It wasn't just that you felt sorry that she still felt ao insecure, even towards you but also that you wanted to make her feel good too. She had pleasured you a few times but everytime when you wanted to give back the favor she said it was okay, that she was tired or that she just wanted to cuddle. You couldn't imagine that she didn't want to feel this. She wanted it you knew it but she was too afraid. Eventhough there was no need for that.

One evening when she had searched an excuse again and you were both laying in bed just cuddling you decided that it was enough. By know you wanted ro pleasure her and let her scream your name more than you even wanted to be fucked. You gently pulled yourself out of the position you were both in and sat up. "(Y/n) what's wrong? Don't you want to cuddle?" She got insecure again and slowly tried to pull the sheets over her body. "I want to cuddle, Delia but.. and please listen to me don't interrupt me. I want to touch you, the way you want to be touched. I know that you want it, don't try to deny it. And I also know that you are really insecure about your body but we talked about this. I love you, I don't care what you look like. And I also think you are absolutely stunning. Please Delia, trust me. Sex is something where both are involved. Both should feel good. That's not the case at the moment."

"Of course I want it (Y/n). How couldn't I, but I am afraid of your reaction. No matter what you say, you can't deny that I am older than you. A lot." "Older doesn't mean less beautiful, Delia." You smiled at her reassuringly.

You slowly pulled down the sheets and looked at Cordelias body. She was just wearing a big oversized grey shirt. You put your hand on her tight and started to rub it while going higher. With that you also pulled up her shirt a little. Before you pulled the shirt over her hips completely you looked at her to make sure she was still fine with everything you were doing. She shyly nodded so you started pulling the shirt up again. She raised her arms and you pulled it off completely.

She had the urge to cover her body and you knew that. But you didn't want that so you gently held her arms at the sides and started to gently spread kisses on her body. Starting with her mouth, her neck, her shoulders, her tummy and then you slowly got closer to her breasts. With one hand you caressed her left breast and with the other you calmly started to draw her bra strap down. She raised her body so that you could grab around her body and open the bra. You pulled it off and threw it to the floor. You sat up a little bit and couldn't do anything else but stare at her.

"(Y/n), don't please. I told you, I..." You shut her off by kissing her. "I didn't stare because I thought you were ugly, it was quite the opposite actually. You are amazingly beautiful and attractive, Darling." You saw her eyes starting to tear up so you leant down again and kissed her, more passionate this time. And while doing that your hand started to knead her breasts and pinch her nipples. She quietly moaned into your mouth so your hand went down over her tummy to the waistband of her underwear. You again looked at her in question. The instance she nodded your hand slid into her panties.

"Oh, Darling. You're so wet already, why didn't we do this earlier?" You slowly started to part her folds and gently stroke over her center which made her moan again. That was your sign and you fastly pulled off her underwear completely. As your mouth wandered down her body again you put both your hands on her waist. You spread kisses on her inner tights and slowly approached her center. As you got closer she spread her legs. You took this as an invitation, so you slowly started to kiss her center which made her moan. Your tongue slowly stared to lick her clit while your left hand moved down to play with her entrance. Delia grabbed your hair and you could feel that she started to breath heavier. You started to slide into her with one finger and gently fuck her. At the same time your tongue got faster and you sucked hard with your mouth. "Oh (Y/n), please..." You looked up at her and smirked. " Use your words, Delia. What do you want?" Her breathing got heavier but she managed to get the words: " Please.. fuck me. Use two fingers.. oh" out.  So you did what she wanted. You pulled another finger inside of her and thrusted them in and out fastly. You knew that she was close so you grabbed her breast with the other hand and pinched her nipples. That was too much, Cordelia came screaming your name and moaning loudly. But you didn't stop sucking and licking her pussy. You heard her moaning even louder, she was so sensitive right know. She bit her lip, because she didn't want to scream so loud. "Please Delia I want to hear you, moan and scream my name for me" so she did exactly that. "OH (Y/n), please let me come" you stopped your movements and looked up to her. "You come when I tell you to come Cordelia. Ok?" She nodded, taken aback by your outburst of top energy. You slowly started to play with her clit again and because she was so sensitive she directly screamed again. You saw that she tried really hard not to come and that view turned you on so much that you could feel your own wetness again. "Come for me baby!" And she did exactly that,  she came screaming and panting. Her whole body trembled. "Please (Y/n) stop, I can't take this anymore. It's too much." So you slowly stopped and moved up to kiss her.

"I love you (Y/n)"

You pulled her into your arms. "I love you too"

[billiedeanhwrd]

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

[cosmicheartz]

I’ve seen a few posts abt deconstructing the ash betrayal trope and after reading an ash betrayal fic I’ve decided to toss my hat into ring and make my own au

So basically it takes place directly after the end of the sumo anime where Ash goes home to Pallettown and his mom and p much all his past companions throw a party and congratulate them.

Then either Delia or Oak at like “ now that you’ve won a league you can finally settle down and focus on becoming a researcher or some other career “ Ash is like “ what? No I’m still gonna become a Pokémon master and get stronger “ to which ( probably ) Misty replies with explaining Ash’s Pokémon master goal is really vague and childish which ends up sparking an argument between Ash and most of his companions.

Some harsh words are said on both ends and Ash is like “ fuck it I’m going back to Alola bc at least people appreciate me there “ and just leaves.

He pretty much cuts off almost all contact with his previous traveling companions outside of like Clemont, Bonnie, ( sorta ) Brock, Cilan, Tracey and probably Dawn too ( although idk ) . He keeps in contact with Prof Oak only out of necessity bc he needs to be able to get his previous Pokémon to work on training them ( he does realize he’s of been unintentionally neglecting training his previous Pokémon and decides to fix that ). He also decides to take his status as Alola Champion seriously and start to put together an elite 4 and all that jazz.

Kukui is semi aware of what happened but doesn’t know how to bring it up to Ash bc he doesn’t want to make him even more upset since he’s already going through a lot

His Alolan friends are mostly unaware on what’s going on outside of like Lana and maybe Kiawe ( Lana bc she’s still friends with Misty which she keeps a secret from Ash ( likewise with Misty bc she doesn’t tell her she’s still friends with Ash ) bc she doesn’t want to have to end up picking between the two and is basically that friend who’s trying to stay neutral between a fallout between two friends ) but do notice Ash has changed ( ie more serious and kinda can come off as snappy and rude )

The “ traitor “ Companions all have like different reactions and are coping with the ordeal in different ways

- Misty ends up regretting the shit she said and is desperately trying to reconcile with Ash to no avail.

- May and Max go on with their own lives but feel bad but don’t know what to do about it so they kinda just distract themselves from it

- If Dawn is a “ traitor “ she feels pretty bad and tries to make an effort to reconcile but after no progress on it she just accepts she and Ash aren’t friends and goes abt with her life but secretly hopes one day they’ll reconcile

- Iris claims she’s over it and doesn’t care abt Ash but she’s not and her being a Champion too isn’t any better bc that means she and Ash would have to like coexist together in the same room for like meetings and parties and w/e

- Serena basically goes through a huge arc of self discovery. She does desperately want to make amends but is kinda nervous to attempt reaching out

- Delia is just a fucking wreck. Dealing with a huge case of empty nest syndrome and honestly just wants her son back.

There’s also a bit of infighting bc the “ non traitors “ feel like the “ traitors “ are just using them so they can get info on Ash ( it’s more prevalent with Clemont and Serena )

Also Ash is just now processing all the traumatic events he went through in his journey so that’s just the icing on the cake here

[sparklelight3]

Hypothesis idea thingy for how Ash and Gou could get together (quickly dissolves into a poorly written fanfic because I’m a disaster)

So, I had a mental image of like a 2-3 ep. mini arc thing that ends with the two getting together. I apologize in advance for the fact that this gets progressively more and more detailed and eventually just becomes a semi fanfic. This is unedited btw, so enjoy that as well. 

Episode 1: Starts off with the two out on a mission like usual. Then we have another scene like in ep 3 where Ash just does something that completely astonishes Gou. They resolve the issue like they always do, but Gou is overall very flustered, even more so then usual. Ash could have like a dense Ash moment where he asks if Gou feels sick or something, Gou quickly denying it. Since it’s post ep 36, Ash takes note and dawns a concerned expression. Skip ahead a day or two, and Ash needs to go on a solo trip to Pallet Town for his mom’s birthday. This leaves Gou alone with his feelings for the first time in months. He has time to think about what happened on the last trip, and a couple other moments from past episodes might come up in his head as well. In this time, he fully realize that he’s in love. Koharu, who I image figured this out after her comment in ep 40 about Gou “becoming more and more like Ash”, notices that Gou’s been off. Prof. Sakuragi suddenly receives a big mission and informs Gou on it. Gou at first declines it since Ash isn’t here, but Koharu pipes in and volunteers to take Ash’s place. Gou’s thrown off by this, but accepts her request anyway. When asked, Koharu states that this mission interests her. The two have some small talk on the way there, leading up to Koharu asking Gou if he wants to talk about something, in which he denies. Koharu drops it for now, but picks it up later once they arrive. She eventually drives it out of him, and encourages Gou to tell Ash how he feels. After a bit more back and forth she comes up with a plan: once they get home, she’d have her dad find a local mission for him and Ash to go on alone. When Ash gets back, they go on said mission and Gou confesses to him. Flustered and annoyed, Gou agrees. They take care of the mission and head back. Ash hasn’t returned yet, giving them plenty of time to prepare. 

Ep 2 (technically optional, but not rlly fdgfdh): We get Ash’s side of the story. He heads out to Pallet Town solo to visit his mom for a few days for her birthday. Prof. Oak picks him up, and they drive through the country side. Ash looks longingly back as the city skyline vanishes behind the hilltops. Pikachu comes in for a nuzzle, which cheers him up. Oak drops him off at his house, in which Ash is greeted warmly by Delia. He hands her the gift he bought her. A flashback/ mental image could play of Gou leading him through a shopping mall said gift, making sure he doesn’t get lost or distracted. Pans back to Ash letting out a small giggle, dawning the same longing expression as before. Delia asks him what’s wrong, in which Ash breaks out of his gay daze and goes back to his chipper self. He enters the house exclaiming something along the lines of his mom’s cooking, or being excited about sleeping in his own bed again. Delia is still in the doorway, shooting a concerned/curious glance at her son. The entire episode contains moments like this where Ash recalls a moment with Gou, or expresses how his wishes Gou was there, and just thinking about him in general a lot.

Side note: I believe this is the same mindset that he had when he and Gou split up in the Darkest Day Arc. The difference here being that he’s in no immediate danger, distracting him from these thoughts. Anyway, I will now continue with my rambling esdtgdf.

Ash then goes around the town, heading up to Prof. Oak’s lab. He passes by some neighbors, waving hello here and there, possibly running into Gary as well. Gary might pick up on the gayness Ash is unknowingly producing, but says nothing on the matter; maybe a chuckle before heading off. Ash reunites with all his Pokemon. Once again, he starts to think about Gou and how much he’d enjoy meeting his Pokemon. At dinner that night, Delia asks him about his recent adventures. As Ash describes them, Delia picks up on how much he’s talking about Gou. She asks how Gou’s doing, in which Ash starts going off about how many Pokemon he’s caught and how much he has improved in battling. He possibly mentions the events in ep 40, once again dawning a face of longing. Delia notices and points out how much Ash cares about him, leading into a mom-tangent about how she hopes Gou’s keeping up his promise to look after him and that Ash better be taking care of himself and not getting into too much trouble, etc. The next couple days Ash spends more time with his Pokemon; battling with them, introducing his new ones to them, and telling them stories. Prof. Oak comes out to tell him that he’s getting a call from Prof. Kukui. The Alola gang give their greetings as they chat for a bit. Kiawe brings up Gou, asking if he’s stayed true to the claims he made during their battle. Ash once again goes off about Gou, expressing stuff like how Gou technically caught Eternatus, along with the whole Zacian and Zamazenta thing. The ep ends with Ash saying goodbye to his mom and heading back to the city. On the car ride, he makes claims of excitement over going back to the lab. They arrive at the bottom of the lab near the steps. Prof. Oak drops Ash off and says goodbye before heading back to Pallet. Ash enthusiastically runs up the stairs and slams open the door to the main lab area. He’s greeted by Prof. Sakuragi along with the lab staff.

Ep 3: Ep 3 picks up right off from the last ep. After saying hello to the Prof. and the staff, Ash quickly asks where Gou is. The Prof. informs him that Gou’s with the Pokemon, then proceeds to stop Ash as he instantly tries to run off. The Prof. explains to Ash the mission that Koharu had him find, stating that it’s heavily preferred if they could address it as soon as possible. THEN Ash runs off. We cut to Gou and Koharu in the Pokemon garden area (idk what that place is technically called). Koharu is reassuring Gou while they feed the Pokemon their morning meal. Ash soon comes running in, spots them, and waves them down. He mentions the mission and the two just about leave before Koharu stops them and goes inside to get something. She comes back out with a picnic basket, stating that they’ll be gone most of the day and they need to eat. She gives Gou a smug look. He blushes in both an embarrassed and flustered manner. We then get a couple scenes of them traveling out of the city and into the hillside. These would be similar scenes as in ep 46 where they’re traveling on the island, creating silly and gay moments in the process. Gou would naturally be very nervous and easily flustered. This catches Ash’s attention, harboring some concern on his end. Ash therefore becomes visibly more protective. The two eventually reach a clearing, an area they instantly recognize. They find themselves standing in a field of vibrant flowers, the same area that Lugia had dropped them off when they first met. Ash takes the picnic basket from Gou, stating that this was good a place as any for lunch. They setup the picnic that Koharu had put together, or at least, the best that these two idiots could manage on their own. Ash starts going in on the sandwiches that were packed. A flashback plays of Koharu suggesting that Gou should confess when they stopped for lunch. They release their Pokemon to wonder about as they eat; Lucario and Cinderace join them at the picnic. Cinderace (who’s in on this) notices how nervous Gou is and goes in for a hug to reassure him. He returns the hug and whispers a very quiet “thank you”. After letting go, Cinderace would motion for Lucario to follow. The two Pokemon walk out into the forest, leaving Ash and Gou alone. Gou asks him about his trip to try and ease into a conversation. Ash would briefly tell him about it, and ends stating that he’ll take Gou along with him next time. At that, he stares caringly into Gou’s eyes, dawning a smile. Gou then starts the beginning of a sentence, starting to heavily blush similarly to how he did at the end of ep 3. His words begin to stutter and his hands start to stim nervously. He finally gets it out, confessing his feelings. Ash is clearly taken aback, but not in a bad way. Then a wave of realization washes over him. He laughs softly under his breath, having a similar reaction as THAT scene in ep.40 where the clouds clear away from behind Gou, you know what I mean. Still paralleling that scene, Ash makes a similar statement along the lines of, “I really am an idiot, aren’t I? I mean, it took you telling me that for me to even realize that I have feelings for you,”. Something like that. Gou, who has been a mess this whole time, freezes at this and looks up at Ash. After a few moments of eye contact, they both burst into laughter over how big of a dumbass they each are. They calm down, Gou gently grabs onto Ash’s hand, and goes in for a quick and nervous pec on the lips. Ash doesn’t expect this, but accepts it happily; he gives Gou a big, caring smile of reassurance. Cinderace comes bolting in, tackling Gou to the ground in a big, prideful hug. Lucario walks in from behind them, giving Ash a sly little grin. A montage plays of them finishing up the mission, displaying their new habit of frequently holding hands and overall being very adorable. We then cut to the lab. It’s going on to twilight, and Koharu’s just getting home from school. She walks in and puts her stuff down before exclaiming how Ash and Gou aren’t back yet. Not having the chance to do so until now, Prof. Sakuragi asks her what this whole arranged mission thing was about anyways. Shortly after a quick explanation, Wanpachi/Yamper is heard barking outside the front door. Koharu jolts up, telling everyone to stay calm and to be supportive. The two boys walk through the door with a noisy Wanpachi barking and running around their legs. The first thing Koharu notices is the fact that their hands are intertwined. Glancing up, she’s met with a grinning Ash and a very exhausted but very happy Gou; he looks as if he could burst out crying at any moment. She lets out a sigh of relief, stating that she had told him he had nothing to worry about. The staff and Prof. start clapping and cheering in congratulations. The narrator starts talking, stating something along the lines of “they became boyfriends” as the show freezeframes on Ash giving Gou a kiss on the cheek.  AND THERE THAT IS. I apologize once again for the poorly written fanfic this became.