#and every time i do i'm like. 'the izzy in my brain does this too :^)'

[ghost4ghosts]

me 🤝 fanon izzy: eating ginger because tummy hurty

[yourlocalsimpsonsandsanriofan]

💫A goofy AHHH review💫

hey guys it's ya boi Rusty here again!! and I'm here to review:

Yes yes, I can hear y'all now saying "but it's made for kids" "bro why are u watching this" 🤓☝

Stop right there, bud. ✋

This show is pretty good so far, all things considered! I decided to watch it for the nostalgia (and for mah boi Smee ofc!)!! I watched this show a little bit when I was younger, so I remember it fairly well. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it isn't cringe! (Well, some parts are a little iffy but we'll get to that in a minute.) It's actually tolerable and even made me laugh at some parts!

💫The songs💫

The songs aren't that good, in fact their kinda cringe. (But ofc I gotta go easy on this show cuz yes, it is intended for little kids with no brain cells.) At the end of every episode (wich usually consists of two episodes ranging from 15 minutes long each, making up the 30 minute mark.) There's these two ideots called Sharky and Bones who sing a song, and it's cringe. The lyrics arent funny, and their singing isn't even that good. I get that the humer is supposed to have zero brain cells, but come on guys. U gotta try a bit harder than that. The background music for the episodes is ok, nothing I would casually listen to though.

💫The characters💫

We have a few new characters to add to the Peter Pan universe by the names of Jake, Cubby (WHY ARE THEIR TWO CUBBYS?!), Izzy, Skully, Sharky and Bones. (And Captain Hook and Mr. Smee of course!!) The character designs are good, they work well for everyone, except Hook. Hook just looks weird in this art style honestly. And at first I didn't like Smee's design in this, but it grew on me. (The og is still better though!) In fact, he might even look kinda cute! :D

The voice acting for them is great too!! Its very expressive and something you wouldn't normally get from a kids show. The new voice actors for Smee and Hook almost sound IDENTICAL to the og's! There are some minor differences, but nothing to really make me get annoyed at. The animation is smooth and fluid too! I can tell that they used computer Riggs, but it's barely even noticeable! Which from what I heard, computer Riggs are pretty hard to do. So thats honestly impressive!

💫The insecurities of Jake and The Neverland Pirates💫

First off, I wanna talk about how Smee is portrayed. In the og movie, he's supposed to be a bumbling ideot (but a lovable ideot imo!). In this series, he seems to have a few brain cells, which I dislike. They didn't stay true to his character! Neither did they with Hook. He isn't that goofy anymore, neither is he evil, but he's in between. I can't really describe it, but something is off with his personality.

Like I said before, the music isn't very good, and neither is the pacing of each episode. It's inconsistent and feels too slow at times. The plot points for each episode are predictable too. The kids find something to play with, and Hook wants whatever it is and steals it and they take it back etc etc. The dabloons make no sense either! They collect dabloons each episode for their chest, but why?! What does it accomplish?! Maybe Im not smart enough to understand but that makes no sense to me. It's repetitive too, but not to the point where u want to shove a gun into the side of your head and call it quits. Like I said, it's tollerable! It does feel like Micky Mouse Clubhouse though (I HATE MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE.), but with Peter pan 💀

💫Conclusion💫

I like this show, and I think it's cute! It has potential!! Maybe just get rid of the repetitiveness and the cringe songs and it could be good! I reccomend this is you want the nostalgia from your chilhood (well technically I'm still a kid but whatever LOL)!!

That's my thoughts on this show! I haven't finished the first season yet, but maybe my views will change, but well see. But when they do, I'll keep u posted!! Thanks for reading this and I hope you have a spectacular day/night!!! I love you :D❤❤

(Oh yeah one last thing I gotta note is that Smee actually referred to Hook as "your greatness" 🤨 idk man..)

[monimolimnion]

hello my beloved!!! for the prompts: "Stede, mate... not that I think it's a bad idea, necessarily, but d'you mind telling me exactly _why_ Izzy is locked in the brig with two casks of rum and a seagull?" or, if you're feeling more aa inclined: "Maya Fey, you cannot seriously be proposing that my upstairs bathroom is haunted by a ghost." ty!!

i have been hoarding these last asks from the 5 sentence ask meme for a rainy day! and boy is it wet inside my brain of late. so here we go!

"Stede, mate," says Ed, coming up behind his co-captain with a bracing arm around his waist - habit, after everything that has happened, and something he can't bear to not do abovedeck even with peering eyes all around (who reminded him at regular intervals that it was 'gross' and 'like, totally grounds for a malpractice suit'. Sometimes he almost feels vindicated for the overboard thing. A little bit.)

"Yes, darling?" says Stede absently, without looking back but swaying into his touch, unconscious, even as he remains staring out over the side of the ship into the waves. He has that little pucker between his brows that means he's mulling something over, or troubled, in a way he's trying not to let fully consume him. Ed has a decent guess as to what that is, if not exactly why.

"Not that I think it's a bad idea, necessarily, but d'you mind telling me exactly why Izzy is locked in the brig with two casks of rum and a seagull?"

And there it is - the pucker deepens, worried, and yet dancing around the set of his mouth is the curl of mischief that he has hidden all this time under frippery, designed to drape over and mask it - but Ed knows better now.

"Why don't you ask him?" says Stede, a little archly.

"I did. He said to ask you. Then he fell back asleep." Not that he was really conscious to begin with...

Stede sighs, sobering. "He's adamant that Buttons be cast ashore. I wouldn't let him. Things... escalated."

"Buttons? I thought he liked Buttons."

He really had thought that. Despite a few screws being loose and rattling around audibly in there, he'd always got the impression Iz found Buttons the most capable at sailing by that far he was lonely. That he liked him the best, besides Lucius, maybe, but then that was love and hate and other things all in equal measure.

"So did I. But he got on the sauce at port, and started going on aboutwitchcraft. Said he'd hexed him."

"Well we know he does... Do that." Whether it actually works or not is another thing.

"Aye. Iz was admant Buttons'd made something not work properly... to be honest, he wasn't that coherent, so I'm not sure what it is."

Uh oh.

"I'm... sure he'll be fine."

Stede's mouth pulls sideways into carefully contained amusement. "Me, too. Regardless, apparently Buttons has stationed Olivia to watch over him until everything... resolves itself."

Ed tries his utmost not to burst into laughter that would absolutely spread intrigue like wildfire amongst this, the most gossipy crew on the seven seas.

"Wise," he manages to choke out, swaying closer to Stede and feeling his partner's ribcage tremble with the same effort that reverberates through his own; this, just one more of the most mundane of moments that nevertheless nestle like beach sand into every nook and cranny of his heart and body, everpresent.

He has no reason to want to wash them away anymore, either, so he lets this moment settle there like all the others; a pristine beach of memory, awash over past bedrock and open wide to the ocean spray of the future.

Never a dull day aboard the Revenge.

[laceratedlamiaceae]

As a sort of companion to my "every time Izzy fails at something, it's because of Stede" post, I want to talk about how pretty much every bad thing he does is out of a (very misguided) sense of duty to Ed, and I want to talk about why that matters. As a warning, I will be (briefly) mentioning the Toe Thing™ so skip the last paragraph if you're sick of people talking about that.

The only exceptions are taking Stede's hostages, which seems like a normal pirate thing, and bullying Lucius (which I'm not going to defend, but like... if I was stuck somewhere with a bunch of annoying people and the one person I liked was ignoring me in favor of someone I hated I would probably do some fucked up shit too).

Izzy challenges Stede to the duel because he thinks he needs to help Ed with his plot to kill Stede. Ed tells him "we're not doing this," but Izzy clearly took that to mean that Ed just didn't feel like killing Stede because he responds "No, you're not doing this, so I must." (I can't find it now, but I read a post about how awful Izzy and Ed are at communicating with each other, and this is a good example of that). Obviously they should have just talked about it (which Ed even points out later), but talking is hard and stabbing is easy.

Izzy sells Stede out to the British because he thinks that Stede's "done something to my boss' brain." He doesn't realize Ed is just happy and expressing a real part of himself; I doubt he would even know what happiness looks like. He thinks that Stede has driven Ed (who he already thinks is "half insane") fully off the deep end, and so he arranges for Stede to be killed because, from his point of view, it's the only way to save Ed from the man who's ruining him. (I've seen a few takes that he sells both Ed and Stede out, which just isn't true; he sends Calico Jack to get Ed away, and when that fails he convinces the British to let Ed go in return for giving them Stede).

Izzy confronts Ed in episode 10 because he thinks Ed has fully lost it and he needs to pick up the pieces. I've seen a lot of different takes on what exactly was going on with Ed in that episode, and while I don't really agree with the idea that he was getting better before Izzy confronted him, it doesn't matter what was actually happening. From Izzy's perspective, Ed has completely given up on being Blackbeard and just wants to fuck around singing songs all day. I think it's worth noting that Izzy didn't do anything while Ed was hiding out in the blanket fort; he knows the Ed beneath the Blackbeard edifice and he only has a problem when Ed starts making it public. Obviously it would be better for Ed to express himself and explore his identity, but this is Izzy; doesn't know anything about what's emotionally healthy. So instead, he says the things he says. (seriously, just read the linked post; it does a way better job breaking down that scene than I could).

I bring all this up because I want to make a point about one of the reasons he's such a divisive character. I think a lot of the Discourse™ about Izzy gets so heated because it's about a deeper philosophical conflict. Maybe I'm way off base, but I imagine a lot of Izzy apologists (such as myself) are the type to take intentions into account (in philosophy terms, deontology or virtue ethics), and Izzy's intentions are mostly good (towards Ed, obviously he's fine with Stede dying). I'd guess that most people who don't like Izzy lean more towards consequentialism: they don't care what he intended; all that matters is that his actions hurt people.

Hopefully looking at all the Izzy Discourse™ from the perspective that it's about moral philosophy can help people understand the other side; I know I started to get where all the Izzy haters were coming from when I considered his actions from a consequentialist point of view. I still don't really agree with them, but I do now think their view is (in general, obviously some people are way off base) valid.

I really don't want to involve myself in the current discourse, but I think it's worth noting that this is part of the reason why some people see the Toe Thing™ as so much worse than anything Izzy did. Ed did that to hurt Izzy and reassert his control, which is a way less sympathetic intention than "I wanted my boss to be happy but I'm an idiot who's really wrong about what makes him happy." Whether or not that matters depends on your feelings about consequentialism.

[sixstepsaway]

follow up to the two-part persona ask, I do also wonder if Izzy missed or misplaced the significance of “haven’t tried dying yet” because he mentally classifies every harebrained break from the maintenance of Blackbeard as ‘Edward’s Gonna Get Us All Killed If I Don’t Pay Clean This Up’, constantly being *in* a state of nearly dying- therefore when Ed actually *does* fuck up the date, izzy cant ‘fix’ it, having been reassured ed wasn’t too bad off by the oh plan to Kill Blackbeard and be Bonnet.

This got lost in my box somehow because I am positive I was awake 11hours ago but somehow I did not see this? Okay, whatever, at least it made it to me eventually lmao

I'm going to show you some caps from that scene because I promise you Izzy felt the full depth of "haven't tried dying yet" and just went into instant denial over it because of how painful the concept was to him.

(Tumblr: You can only have 10 images sorry. Me: I will dual you outside of a chick-fil-a, square up.)

I'd like to note here that Ed, much like the rest of us Mentally Ill Bitches, knows there's something wrong with him. "I shouldn't be bored. I'm fucking Blackbeard." He knows something is fucked up in that skull of his, but unfortunately it's 1717 and he's a man so he can't be diagnosed with hysteria and nothing else has really been deduced yet, so he's stuck just knowing his head's a mess and he can't fix it. Which, uh, is a really fucking depressing thought actually!

Izzy is also the one that gives Ed the idea of suicide, and that's... a whole new thing for Izzy to have to chew on, you know?

First time I went back through this scene, I focused on the fact Ed hones in on suicide as a notion to end his boredom, then meets Stede and, before Stede introduces him to the idea of retirement, he tells him he's 'been thinking of packing it all in', implying he's been genuinely considering yeeting himself into the abyss. Which was painful in itself.

But rewatching this scene with the singular purpose of honing in on Izzy and Con O'Neill's excellent micro expression acting even in the shots where he's turned away or blurry?

Agonizing, thank you.

This one especially. The furrow in his brow. The soft intensity in his eye. He's just heard his #1 person in the world say he's thinking dying could be the next big adventure because he can't stand living anymore and he inadvertently put the idea in his head. Babygirl is suffering.

God, this shot.

And then, coming back to my Cinematography Commentary™, this is another long shot from far away that makes you feel how isolated and alone Izzy feels. Delightful!

And then he writes it off and goes into denial because what else is he meant to do there? And goes to put the little ship away respectfully because Edward likes it lmao.

So: Missed or misplaced? No. Went into instant denial because it was too much for his already traumatized brain to bear? Absolutely. We talk a lot about how Izzy already has his own trauma and mental illness, whether it's from headcanons like @treesofgreen's re: sa, or just from a long life of piracy which has been established to be fucking terrible (beatings etc from Hornigold) and Izzy's clear class dynamics, but we don't really talk about his trauma and mental illness in relation to managing Ed's, and honestly? It's not a surprise that there's a step too far for Izzy's brain to handle and it's, "Edward wants to kill himself."

therefore when Ed actually *does* fuck up the date, izzy cant ‘fix’ it, having been reassured ed wasn’t too bad off by the oh plan to Kill Blackbeard and be Bonnet.

The plan to kill Stede comes after the lighthouse, so this is a slightly incorrect timeline. Izzy spends this entire episode in a state of "we're all fucking going to die" up until Ed does his flouncy little, "Frankfurters!" declaration in the fog, at which point he's so relieved and happy that Ed is still the genius he knows he is and that Ed had a plan to save them all along, and then Ed says, "Furthermore, it's a full moon--" and Izzy's life turns upside down again because Ed fucked that up and they're all going to die after all.

[inkyblinders]

Dancing with the Devil: Part II

Part 1

Pairing: Luca Changretta x Reader

Author’s note: This was so embarrassing to write not because of smut...but because I’m crushing hard on Adrien Brody right now. And I can’t even share this obsession with anyone because… he’s kinda niche? Someone please reassure me that I’m just going through a phase because dear God why can’t I stop watching Darjeeling Limited just to see him ahhh.

The story picks up right after the end of Part 1, so I recommend reading that first. Comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated, let me know what you think!

Summary: Following your meeting with Luca Changretta, you face the Shelby family and Tommy's reaction. (2.6k words)

Warnings: Smut, angst, swearing

Tag: Let me know if you would like to be added or removed

@anythingwriter, @rrtxcmt, @shut-chan

_____________________________________________________________

You barely make it into your bedroom before he is all over you. The buttons of his crisp, tailored shirt fall like marbles. He moans when you nip the skin of his neck, right over his tattoo of the black cross, legs tangled together like a depraved waltz.

When he grinds into you, you shudder deliciously at the hardness that meets between your bare thighs.

How easy would it be for him to kill you after he fucks you, leaving your corpse twisted in the bedsheets. You know Tommy would find it when he eventually remembers that he has not seen you for days.

“Signorita, you know I come to you with the most honorable of intentions.” He murmurs, as if sensing your thoughts.

“You're not a very honorable man then.” A laugh that turns into a gasp as he trails his hand lower and strokes between your legs. No, not very honorable at all. And pretty soon all thoughts of honor are forgotten as he coaxes a moan from your throat.

His fingers are magic. The cold outline of his onyx rings scald your skin each time he crooks a finger inside you. Knowing exactly what you need, seeking your depths, swirling, rising to rub the clit, all the while exploring the flushed expanse of your body with his other hand.

Shoulder to breasts to hips and back again.

Without meaning to, you’ve let this stranger take control of your entire being. But God, do you crave this pure ecstasy.

It’s as if he wants to know precisely how much you can take before you're undone. So when you clench around his hand and feel the familiar ache he is right there, helping you ride the wave of pleasure, never breaking the rhythm of his thrusting fingers even as you curse, rake your nails down his back.

You almost cry out his name when you come. But you bite into his shoulder instead.

“Sweetheart, I’m gonna have to hear you next time.” He growls.

His words barely register as you come down from the high. Aftershocks spark like tiny flames. Now you are wearing his scent as much as he is wearing yours.

“Be inside me,” You whimper, tugging at his soft hair, urging him for more.

He rasps an empty warning, “What's my name, sweetheart?”

Of course. All this time you've never acknowledged you know of his identity. There was no use in trying to hide it now.

“Luca,” you breathe. And his eyes gleam with approval.

With a snap of his hips, he plunges into silky warmth. The fullness stretches you to your limit, head thrown back. It’s good, so good. Every withdrawal of his thrust is a blessing because you know what follows next. It’s him inside you again, wrapping you with his touch and the scent of tobacco and roses.

“Does your Tommy fuck you like this? Like the way I do?”

“He’s not mine.” You choke out, punishing Luca with a bite on the neck that elicits a chuckle rather than a yelp of pain.

He kisses you, your foreheads pressed together. “A damn shame for him.” Soon he starts to quicken his pace, going faster, more erratic, his breathing heavy upon your ears.

Yes, you urge him, come on, now.

And this is your chance. In a flash you roll on top of him, pinning down his shoulders with your hands. He tries to arch up but you stop him with a knee.

“How many men did you bring, Changretta?” You ask, making your voice rough to mask the lust, pressing your hands around his jugular.

It's a pleasure to see him like this. Shocked at your actions, maybe even scared. Naked with want but unable to do anything to relieve it. Unless he tells the truth.

“Fifteen. Why baby, am I not enough for you?” He laughs breathlessly, hands trailing goosebumps along your hips, tracing the contour of your breasts. The jib doesn't hurt you. After all, men have said worse. He tries to surge into you again, and his hot member pulses on your thighs.

“Do you swear on your honor? That you’re telling the truth?” You insist, squeezing him harder. The touch brands his skin as much as it brands yours.

In a voice full of self-mockery he says, “Yes I swear on my honor. Now let me in, clever Isabel.”

You take him in you, the sensations amplify a thousandfold. You try teasing him, going slowly in and out, but soon you are caught up in the sensation of him completely at your mercy and you ride him, faster, until you keen his name, until he too is undone.

****

Through the haze of dawn, he stumbles out of bed and gets dressed. Before he dons his hat once more, Luca leans down to whisper in your ear, as soft as sin.

“You tell Tommy Shelby he may expect a visitor in the night. I'm coming for him as the angel of death. The vendetta has begun…” He kisses your hair.

“I’ll see you soon, sweetheart.”

The door clicks shut. You rise from your pillow, and a small, hard lump rolls next to your hand.

It is a signet ring of onyx and gold.

****

“So we all get a death letter from the mafia, but Izzy gets jewelry?” Ada huffs as the family filters into the betting shop. As usual, Tommy holds court at the front of the table, brooding over a glass of whiskey. You roll your eyes as Arthur and John try to cover their snort of laughter with a cough.

“If you want it, you can have it, Ada. He’s probably planning on killing me too.”

“Doubt it. You’re not a Shelby, and we’re the ones who killed his father. Well, someone did, to be precise.” She shoots a bitter look at Tommy, who doesn’t even have the decency to look ashamed.

Despite Ada’s matter-of-fact tone, the words cut to your heart. Not a Shelby.

It’s not her fault. No one knows you’ve been sleeping with Tommy, not even your dearest friend. It’s a lonely secret to keep, but at least you can look at the family square in the eye and not have to worry about the things they say behind your back. Or worse, pity you.

You can handle the violence and moral ambiguity of Tommy’s business. But to lose the love and respect of the Shelbys would break your heart.

“What was the mafia man like, Izzy?” Finn asks eagerly. It’s obvious the boy is thinking of the dashing, gun-wielding gangsters he’s seen in the pictures.

“He was a wrinkly old brute. Kind of like your arsehole brother Tommy.” A smile to take the edge off the insult. But Tommy only looks off into space. As if he hasn't paid attention to this entire conversation.

Arthur clears his throat. “Now, let’s get one thing straight. It was me who pulled the trigger on his dad, so the blame falls on me.” He pats Linda’s hand even as his voice is heavy with guilt.

“No one’s blaming you Arthur, you weren’t the brains behind the operation, no offense.” Ada says. He is about to say something when Polly cuts in.

“Stop squabbling like children. We’ve all voted for truce, despite everything Tommy’s done to us—” The words nearly having us hanged hover pointedly in the air. “—So let’s focus on the matter at hand." She fixes Tommy with a sharp look.

“What’s the news from Camden Town? Will Solomons help us?”

“No.” He says tiredly. And all of a sudden you feel sorry for teasing him. He look gaunt. There are shadows under his eyes, even more so than usual. Without you to remind him to eat, you can imagine his diet for the past few days consisted more of alcohol and cigarettes than anything substantial.

“Spent three hours on a fucking tour of his bakery and another pretending to drink his piss-poor rum. I think he was trying to get me sloshed so I’d forget what I came for.” Tommy rubs his head.

“He’s refusing to send his men to help. Said he’s not going to go after another oppressed people.”

“Did you tell him the Italians are rounding up Jews in their country as we speak?” Polly asks incredulously.

“Wouldn’t make a difference to Alfie. Besides, that’s just an excuse. He’s really just a fucking coward.”

Polly looks troubled at this, as does the rest of the family. Everyone had been counting on Alfie’s friendship with Tommy, however peculiar, to help them with the vendetta. What they hadn’t expected was his extreme sense of self-perseverance. How are they going to protect themselves now?

“Before everyone panics, I’d like to say something.” Tommy clears his throat, setting down the whisky.

“As you may all know, two nights ago our Izzy encountered Mr. Changretta in the Garrison. He bought her a drink and asked her to deliver an official beginning of the vendetta.” He chooses this time to finally look at you. You hold his gaze until he looks shiftily away.

“We can also assume that he has been scoping out Small Heath, looking for any weaknesses on our turf. Now, Izzy has something to share with you all.”

You stand up uncertainly. The last time a woman other than Polly tried to speak her mind at the table it had been Esme, who still refuses to come to the betting shop unless Tommy is not here.

“While Mr. Changretta was, er, indisposed at the Garrison, I found some items in his coat that I think could be useful.” You fish out a passport and a stack of papers from your skirt pockets.

“Good job, Izzy! Oh, I knew we could count on you more than my idiot brother.” Ada beams.

“Becoming a right little spy, eh?” John ruffles your hair good-naturedly. As everyone gathers around, Polly gives a low whistle.

“Goodness, if this is your definition of an ugly brute, I wonder who’ll really catch your fancy, darling.”

You flush. The documents were obtained shortly after Luca had fallen asleep. It was an exercise in agility, trying to extricate yourself from his tangle of limbs, especially when you wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, encased in his warmth.

To your own credit, the papers were highly useful indeed. Some were maps of Birmingham, circles drawn in places where the Shelbys are known to frequent. The Garrison. Charlie’s Yard. The Arrow House. There was also stationary from The Stanton, a hotel just outside of the city.

There had been another piece of paper in the stack, a letter. But you kept that for yourself.

“We all have Izzy to thank for bringing us this valuable information.” Tommy’s voice rises above the chatter. “I will be personally examining all the documents and think of a plan. In the meantime, everyone stay alert, stay armed, and stay together.”

“Now if no one has any further questions, I need to have a private word with her. Alone.”

*****

You twirl the onyx ring around your finger as everyone filters out. It’s much too big but you still wear it anyways. The thick band of gold is comforting in its own way. And despite what you told Ada earlier, you don’t want to give it to anyone else.

Tommy’s curt voice snaps you from your reverie.

“Was it good, then?”

A small muscle tics on the underside of his jaw. His previously blank expression is now cold. The coward in you compels you to feign ignorance.

“What do you mean, Tommy?” You ask lightly.

“Did it feel good to have that fucking wop inside you?”

You burst out laughing. “Christ, Tommy. Did you pick up that word from Alfie? You sound bloody ridiculous when you’re trying to be crass, you know.”

“Don’t fucking change the subject, Isabel.” Tommy snaps.

“Oh, so I’m Isabel, now? You only call me that when you’re trying to get me in bed. Is that what you want? A bit early in the evening if you ask me.”

“What I want for you is to tell me how it felt having that man inside you, inside---”

You blaze with anger. “My sex life is none of your business, even if you are an occasional participant. I did what you would have wanted, and now I’ve got intel on the Changrettas that could save your arse!”

“Do you know how dangerous it could have been? Fraternizing with the enemy is exactly what got us into trouble with the Changrettas!”

“And fraternizing with them again has given us an advantage. We know how many associates he’s brought with him, and where they are staying. Good God,” Your eyes widen as you see the mutinous look on Tommy’s face. “Are you jealous?”

The silence of the room presses in until it's almost palpable. Finally he rubs a hand over his eyes, looking utterly defeated.

“I have no right to.” He says, pained. “But I am, just the same.”

The admission of his feelings would have made your heart soar a few days ago, before you met a man who enchanted you in the Garrison. You only laugh bitterly.

“What makes this different from all those other times you made me seduce the men you wanted to spy on?”

He says nothing. But what else is there to say? The past is in the past, and so many hurts have been caused by the both of you, it would be impossible to untangle it all.

You soften your voice, laying a hand on Tommy's arm.

“Let me continue seeing him. He wants me, and we can use that. You know it will be help, you know it might save us all.”

A breath flutters in your chest as you wait for his decision. If Tommy allows it, you’ll do it in a heartbeat. The Shelbys are your family, whether you're one in name or not.

But if he refuses, then perhaps… Perhaps he might actually care for you, deeper than jealousy, deeper than he admits.

“Very well.” Tommy says finally, and something in your heart shatters. The corners of your mouth curve up in a wobbly smile.

“Thank you for trusting me, Tommy. I won’t let you down.”

“You would never let me down, no matter what you do. Just…Be careful, Izzy.”

He closes the distance between you and enfolds you in a hug. You enjoy this quiet warmth, as fragile as spider's silk. With a small laugh, you pull away, patting his arm before turning to the door.

You don't look back to see if he follows.

[idyllic-idioms]

wait okay yes flizzy but how do you feel about fled. flintward? edjames? flintbeard? because they would be my black sails/ofmd crackship if i had one

OH when i hear flint/edward i immediately think of this art:

first off yes their ship name should 100% be fled.

i think there are a lot of parallels between the two and that's 100% why i ship izzy/flint as much as i do. because i feel in a lot of ways flint can be for izzy what he wants edward to be. as @thegreatblondebalrogslayer pointed out here, izzy is just silverlite and there's a lot of the silverflint dynamic going on in this ship as well. (also in the secret crossover that lives in my brain, izzy lives in a fled sandwich. don't expect me to write it anytime soon but if anyone does then PLEASE send it my way)

but flint and ed with no izzy in between.... hmm... one of the things i like about OFMD and ed's sexuality is the sheer difference between ed's romantic interests: jack, izzy, and stede are completely different people. i think flint would just be another addition to the really strange partners ed could have.

flint could be another one of ed's evil exes that stede has to defeat but stede would have NO idea where to start. flint would HATE stede right away because he's rich but i also don't think he'd actually pay him much mind as long as he's not actively getting in flint's way. oh and though i think izzy and flint would have a bitch4bitch dynamic and izzy and stede would have a bitch4bitch dynamic, i just can't see that happening with flint and stede. i can't see them bitchily flirt no matter how hard i try...

away from this brief stint (stede/flint) interlude and back to fled

they would 100% sail together / be co-captains if they had a common goal, but i can't see them being casual friends the way jack and ed are. like i imagine flint arriving in nassau and ending up sailing under blackbeard's flag for a bit -- and he'd just leave and get out to captain his own crew as soon as he sees the opportunity. other way around, ed would sail under flint's flag for a minute and then get tired of his schemes and plans and crave something more urgent. he would lead the mutiny and win tbh. TL;DR: they would both want that captaincy too much to defer to the other, ever.

though i can't see them falling in love with each other (i just don't see edward falling for someone he's not spending every second of every day with, sorry i'm projecting here) i think they would be GREAT as piratey partners who have casual hookups when they happen to be in town at the same time. friends with benefits but more in the flavour of rival pirate captains with benefits. (a much spicier flavour because they can betray each other any second)

i want s2 to open with kraken!era ed on the revenge docking into port and toby stephens as flint shows up to curse out the rigging on that ship and gets mr de groot in to fix whatever's wrong with her while ed has some deranged adventures with jim in town

thank you so much for this message anon and i'm sorry if this whole-ass essay was not what you wanted from me <3

[dirtyscholar]

i am having a normal time about this, please consider hungover in jonestown by amigo the devil as an izzy song. i'm dying and in flames and so normal.

first off anon amigo the devil is probably my fave artist of all time??? so this is immediately so sexy

secondly, can't believe I didn't think of this as a song for them and now that I'm listening to it you're absolutely right and I'm also so normal about this

You are the hammer, I am the nail I'm building a house in the fire on the hill There is a string that leads me to hope I tie the noose, but you are the rope

I'd like to note that if we're taking this song from Izzy's perspective, every single one of these aspects is tied to Izzy doing grueling work. He's the nail, the builder, the hangman, while Blackbeard is the hammer, the fire, the rope. There's something to be said about how Blackbeard is a force of nature-- as much as it's a persona of protection for Ed he's still naturally very good at it. While, on the other hand, Izzy is a blunt fucking instrument. He can be the a tool in Blackbeard's brilliance, or the channel for his rage, he can hit, burn, and hang under Blackbeard's orders, or he can be hit, be burned, be hung--

but he is never anything but something to be stood upon, a stepping stone for greater men.

(There's also the first hint of suicidal ideation in this-- I noted in a post earlier that despite Izzy expressing that he doesn't want to to die in the show, it's clear he doesn't mind the dying, only the how of it. If he goes out in a blaze of glory doing Blackbeard's will, that's hallowed and holy and right.)

It was a lie that got me in bed I am the dog, you are the shed I can't find the perk in the percocet When you're not around

The lie that got Izzy in bed with Blackbeard was Blackbeard himself. As others have pointed out, Blackbeard isn't completely disconnected from Ed-- Ed clearly has plenty of darkness in him and he does fully enjoy the art of fuckery and the cleverness it requires, he even enjoys the performance sometimes-- but it's not all he is, and the Blackbeard persona doesn't allow the softness, healthy love, and the more gentle intelligence that Ed is clearly capable of. It seems that Izzy has mostly known the persona of Blackbeard, and the Ed breaking more regularly through the cracks is a more recent development. He calls Ed a shell of a man but, NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE Blackbeard was the shell this whole time!

And like, carrying off the dog metaphor, it makes sense that Izzy, loyal fucking mutt that he is, is barking and biting and generally carrying on about the new state of things because imagine you are a dog, right, and your master has taught you: this is the way of things, and this is how you obey, and this is how we survive and thrive-- and then-- completely alters course. The commands are senseless, the orders removed from the reality you know, "he's done something to my boss' brain" is the only fucking explanation because you've been trained for DECADES to uphold a certain status quo, and you're too busy thinking of you and Blackbeard as inseparable soulmates with the same morals and feelings to recognize that that's no longer true and maybe wasn't ever so. (Am I saying Izzy and Ed trauma bonded and that Izzy is trying to recreate that trauma/danger/fear so that he can feel the strength of that connection again?? Probably yes.)

This is the fight that taught me to feel

Only note on this is, going back to the status quo (of toxic masculinity), Izzy appears to have learned love and affection from one place and that's in the intricate rituals men perform violently and viciously to give each other intimacy without compromising their masculinity. Abuse = love, sex/erotic violence as a form of self harm, loyalty and devotion strung with derision and reproach because you should only love the power of a man not the man himself.

If I am the drunk, you are the wheel So I drink till the night becomes another day

(Complete bunny trail here but, do we ever see Izzy pick up a drink of rum or alcohol? I know he drinks from a tin cup at some point but I'm unsure if it's spirits. It begs the question, does he drink at all, and if that isn't one of his normal vices, is that something he would fall into if he lost Blackbeard for good? He clearly has an addictive personality, so would one addiction replace the other? And Ed clearly self medicates with alcohol while unhappy, so does that mean that Izzy is more content, generally, or that his self medication is pain, and possibly self harm? So many questions.)

No one ever chooses to be a flawed design But this life is a joke, and death is the punchline

Something about these two lines are so inherently Izzy, like he clearly doesn't value himself on his own despite his arrogance and commanding attitude, and I imagine he certainly sees himself as flawed next to Blackbeard, and maybe even sees himself (deep deeeeep deeeeeep down) as flawed because nobody fucking likes his mangy ass (affectionate). And there's a certain resignation to that, like: no one needs to like me, I'm here to serve, to obey, and to die in a blaze of glory. Nothing more, nothing less. Also, life is a joke and death is the punchline? *Izzy, in the distance* WELL IT FUCKING IS NOW THANKS TO STEDE FUCKING BONNET.

You are the queen and I am the rook You are the fire and I burn like a book I don't know how this one ends till I die And the honest part of 'reliable' is the lie The greater the power, the more the abuse You are the hand, I worship the bruise If romance is dead, I guess I'm a necrophiliac

Hoo okay hooo *spongebob leaning.jpeg* one line at a time

Something something about the inherent queerness of viewing Blackbeard as a Queen instead of a King, the acknowledgement of the gentleness inside him that's usually associated with femininity, and the fact that this femininity, when inverted, makes him more cruel in a distinctively clever and apathetic way than any pure masculine rage could ever be. Like Izzy may love Blackbeard, but the viciousness he adores in the persona derives from a very wounded Ed. (He has GOT to realize at some point that without the foundation of Ed there is no fucking Blackbeard and I am READY for it to hit him like a ton of fucking bricks to the FACE.)

The agony??? Of not knowing where you stand with someone until you reach the grave? Like, "I don't know how this one ends till I die", either implies that 1. You went down fighting for this person and only on your deathbed do you tell them how you feel and finally receive a response, because death is the ONLY excuse you can THINK OF that allows confessions of love, or 2. You literally don't know how the other person felt until you're dead and are gifted that knowledge as a spirit. Either way, FUCKED.

And we KNOW that the honest part of reliable is the lie because we've SEEN Izzy betray Blackbeard in BLACKBEARD'S NAME multiple times, because Izzy is wiling to twist and bend his loyalty in order to allow "protection" of Ed and the status quo in the way he thinks is best. (Which brings up a question I haven't considered till right now, could Izzy kill Ed to "preserve" the legacy of Blackbeard?? I actually think he fucking could. How terrifying is that?)

On the note of power and abuse-- as fucked as Izzy is, I don't think it should be overlooked that Ed uses Izzy as well, and doesn't seem to give much of a shit about him in the majority of their interactions. He's BORED and he is bored of Izzy too (and gods how that must burn a man who craves praise and approval the way Izzy does.) Izzy is clearly overjoyed when Blackbeard chokes him and cuts off his toe, but he's also grieving because it's not about him. Any attention is good attention to him, even if it's a fucking bruise or a toe in his MOUTH, but that attention feels hollowing and agonizing when he knows it's only directed towards him because he's there and he allows it.

(For legal reasons I am not going to talk about the necrophiliac line but like... you guys know. I know that you know that I know that we all know that we know. We know.)

Every god needs a sacrifice I am the cross, and you are the Christ

*laughs in religiously traumatized homosexual* Fuck I love religious blasphemy. Interesting tho, that Izzy is the one that is like "This is my body broken for you" and Ed is like "girl new phone who this". Interesting how Ed is like "hey let's try dying" but when given a chance at escape he grabs it with both hands, while Izzy clings to his doomed status quo, because that's all that "men like us" are allowed. Interesting how Ed would have pulled himself free from that inevitable comfortless and pointless demise, while Izzy craves the bloody end he knows is coming with the same ferocity of a beaten down dog. Interesting how Izzy's just waiting for the opportunity to give that life away, one final act of devotion before he can lay his body down, and it has to be for the one man that's ever meant anything to him. just... INTERESTING.

Something about the way you beat me down And I'll never learn You're the point of no return The pain in my chest, the stain on your dress The glass in my eye But this life is a joke, and death is the punchline

Cuz it's you it's you it's all for you, everything I do-- mixing song metaphors now but Jesus Christ. It's obvious he brings so much agony down on his own head, but to give everything you are and everything you have to someone, to mold you identity and purpose around a captaincy you have built TOGETHER, and then have it not be enough? Not only that but to be rejected for the favor of a man who did not DO THE WORK, stumbled into it because he's rich and foolish, who has none of the history or the knowledge of the man you love and yet seems to connect with him in a way you never could? (You know what, I've talked myself into it my opinion is that Izzy was very calm and rational about all this because I would have been WORSE I would have been so much worse.)

Past the point of no return, no going back now-- except this passion play Izzy has been writing in his head might never have begun at all, because now he sees how much Ed cares for Stede, and what Ed looks like when he's in love (though he's absolutely not ready to admit that's what he's seen yet.) And it's like, give me pain, disable me, this is my body broken for you, just don't leave, because I don't know how this one ends until I die and I need you to be here for that end or else LIFE IS A JOKE AND MY DEATH IS THE PUNCHLINE. Stede fucking Bonnet turned the entire goddam universe into his personal rom-com playground and if he wins Izzy's life is a joke, and his death means nothing, because Ed won't even give a shit.

[doc-pickles]

all roads they lead me here

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong

This is the last time I say it's been you all along

This is the last time I let you in my door

This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

“Hey it’s Alex, leave me a message or whatever.”

“Alex, it's Jo. I just talked to your mom because you weren’t answering my calls and she said she hasn’t seen you or heard from you in awhile. So… please call me back. I just need to know you’re okay. I love you.”

“It’s me. It’s just been… A really long day and all I really want to do is curl up in bed with you. But you’re not here and you’re not in Iowa and I’m starting to worry that you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Anyways I love you, please call me back.”

“Hi, it’s me again. Jo, you know your wife? The woman you married? I just… I’m worried about you and the longer I don’t hear from you the more worried I get. So please just call me back. I love you.”

“Alex, please pick up the phone. I don’t care where you are or what you’ve been doing. I don’t care if you’ve… committed murder or something. I don’t know, I just… I need you to answer me. If you’re not coming home I need to know so please just stop my wondering and answer me. Please. I love you, call me back.”

Alex sighed as he listened to the plethora of voicemails that Jo had left for him, her voice sounding more desperate the more messages she left. He wanted to call her, to answer one of her phone calls but he didn’t think it was fair to her. How was he supposed to drag her away from Seattle and everyone they loved to come to the middle of nowhere? How could he ask her to make that sacrifice when he was struggling to accept it himself?

As if hearing his thoughts, his phone screen lit up with a photo of Jo and him on their wedding day. Despite his doubts and worries Alex punched the green accept button and brought the phone up to his ear.

“Alex? Is that you?”

He only hesitates for a moment before letting out a sigh and answering, “Yeah it’s me.”

The relieved sigh and barely concealed tears break his heart as he listens to Jo on the other line. This was why he couldn’t go back, why he couldn’t face Jo again. Just hearing her on the other end of the phone was breaking his heart, he knew if he stood across from her and told her the choice he’d made that he would never be able to walk away.

“Oh my god, I thought you were dead,” Jo’s voice rang across the line, cries punctuating her words as she spoke a mile a minute. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt or in trouble or anything are you?”

“No… No, I'm okay. I’m fine I promise.”

“Good then where the hell are you,” Jo’s voice went from worried to stern in a flash, her tone almost scaring Alex as he listened to her. “I haven’t seen you in a month and a half and no one has been able to contact you for almost three weeks now. I thought you were lying in a coma somewhere so you better have a damn good reason as to why you haven’t been answering your phone.”

Of course she was angry, she had every right to be. If Alex were in Jo’s shoes he would’ve lost his mind trying to figure out where she was. But he wasn’t, instead he was lying in a hotel room thousands of miles away from Seattle keeping a huge secret from his wife who he normally told everything to. Alex let his eyes roam to the crisp white envelope on the bedside table next to him, Jo’s name in large letters across the front of it.

“It’s a long story, Jo.”

“Well start talking then Alex. I have been losing my mind here and I deserve an explanation,” Jo paused for a moment, her voice coming back clear and resolute when she spoke again. “If you’re leaving us, if you’re not coming home I need you to say it. I can’t keep sitting here playing back everything I’ve done trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

“Jo you haven’t done anything wrong, you could never,” Alex is quick to stop the destructive thoughts he knows are swirling around in Jo’s head. A deep pang of guilt hits him as he realizes that his lack of communication has probably torn her apart. “I’m just trying to figure some things out and… that might mean I don’t come back to Seattle.”

The line is silent and for a long moment Alex almost thinks that she’s hung up on him. Finally Jo speaks again, “You're telling me I didn’t do anything wrong but you’re not coming home? I don’t get it. Can you just tell me what's really happening?”

“I have kids.”

“I was going to-“

“With Izzie. She used the embryos and she has twins. We have twins,”

The all consuming silence from the other end of the line surrounds him once again. This time though, the pause felt like the heaviest thing he’d ever felt, the weight settling on his chest and taking his breath with it as he waited for Jo to respond to him.

“Oh.”

“Jo, I had no idea. I called Izzie before Mer’s trial and I was telling her all about you and then… then I heard them in the background. Alexis was singing some song and Eli was yelling at her to stop and I couldn’t not ask about them,” Alex let out a sigh as he ran a hand across his face. “They’re perfect Jo, god they're… They’re everything, the best of me and the best of Izzie. I have a chance to make this family whole, and I just hope you love me back enough to let me ta-“

“You have a family here too Alex! You have people that are depending on you and waiting for you to come home,” Jo was on the verge of tears and she yelled down the line, her voice trembling as she tried to get her point across. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or answer your phone? God Alex I love you but sometimes you can be so stupid. I’m looking up flights now, I can get there tomorrow afternoon.”

“No babe, I don’t need you to come out here.”

“Then tell me what I’m supposed to do! Because I’ve been sitting at home for the last month and a half waiting for you to come home and that didn’t do anything.”

Alex let out a sigh, his shoulders falling as he leaned back against the headboard of his hotel bed, “Jo I’m sorry but I have kids and I need to be here for them. I’ve already missed five years of their lives, I don’t want to miss anymore.”

“Then let me come out there Alex! If you’re planning on staying why won’t you let me come out,” the next pause that comes is from Alex as Jo let’s his silence answer her questions. “You really weren’t planning on coming back to me, were you?”

“Jo, please-“

“No Alex! You don’t just choose to end things without asking me! It's like the past seven years have meant nothing to you,” a steadying breath sounded over the line, Alex’s heart beating out of time as he listened to Jo. “You cannot just leave us here like garbage Alex. I deserve more than that, we deserve more than that! So either you come home or…. Fuck! I don’t know. Alex please.”

Alex thinks he can almost tangibly feel his heart breaking in two as Jo cries out to him. He loves her, more than anything he thinks, but he has children and their faces pop into his mind every second of the day now. He can’t fathom leaving them after already missing so much of their lives.

“Were you even planning on coming back home? Or were you just going to ignore my calls until I got the hint.”

“I didn't know she would have my kids, and now that she does, I don't know how to look anyone in the eye if I don't stay and do everything I can to make this work, make this a life, make this a family,” Alex’s pauses to catch his breath, listening to Jo’s cries. “I never meant to hurt you Jo-“

“Then you should’ve told me! You knew for weeks before you left and you didn’t say anything. You just kissed me and laughed at my jokes and ate dinner across from me crawled into bed next to me and made love to me like nothing was wrong. But the whole time you were just counting down the days until you left without another word,” her breaths are unsteady now, Jo hyperventilating on the other end of the phone in a way that makes Alex want to forget everything he’s seen in Kansas. “I can’t breathe, I can’t do this Alex. If you’re leaving us just say it. Please.”

“Jo, I’m sorry-“

“Just say it!”

“I wish getting everything I always wanted didn't have to hurt you in the process. But I can't lie to you. And I can't come home,” Alex is forcing the words out, barely able to say them without bursting into tears himself. “I'm not coming home, Jo. I can't face you. I can't look you in the eye because I wouldn't be able to walk away.”

“And that doesn’t mean anything to you? Everything we worked for, every uphill battle we fought to be together means nothing now? Did you ever think I would go with you, no questions asked,” Jo takes a deep breath before finishing. “I get that you have kids in Kansas, but you have a family here too Alex and we’ve been here for years, we’re always going to be here waiting and wondering and… I have to go. I love you and I’m sorry we weren’t enough.”

The line finally drops silent and Alex lets the tears he’d been holding back fall. He thinks he’s making the right choice, being there for his kids and giving them what he and Jo never had as children. But the pain and aching in his heart make him second guess his decision, if only for a moment.

-

It’s two days after his phone call with Jo when Alex realizes that he might have royally screwed everything up. His eyes follow Eli and Alexis around the farmyard as Izzie tells him about their life.

“We were actually in Tacoma before moving out to Kansas. Well, really it was just me but I was already four months pregnant by the time I decided to move,” Izzie let a chuckle out as Alex’s brain began to work overtime. “Somehow we made it though, I swear those two have been keeping me on my toes since they were in the womb.”

Alex ran back Jo’s words from their conversation in slow motion. He had played them over and over again in his head since she’d hung up on him but now he realized they might have a new meaning.

“If you’re leaving us, if you’re not coming home I need you to say it.”

“You have a family here too Alex!”

“You cannot just leave us here like garbage Alex. I deserve more than that, we deserve more than that!”

“We’re always going to be here waiting and wondering.”

“I love you and I’m sorry we weren’t enough.”

Sure she might have meant Meredith and her kids and the family he’d found for himself in Seattle but Alex knew Jo better than that.

“You know what I mean,” Izzie’s voice snapped Alex out of his daze, his eyes glassy as he looked from his hands to the blonde next to him. “You okay?”

“I uh… I think my wife is pregnant.”

+

It’s nearly 10 PM when a knock sounds on the loft door. Jo almost doesn’t get up from her spot on the couch as her fatigued body sinks into the cushions, reasoning with herself that anyone of importance has a key. When there’s another knock however, she begrudgingly drags herself up to slide the metal door open.

“Oh my god…”

Standing in front of her is Alex, eyes tired and hair damp from the near constant downpour of Seattle rain. She tries to ignore the suitcase at his feet, not wanting to get her hopes up when they’d already been so crushed just a week before when she’d spoken to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I walked away from you and from all of this,” Alex runs a hand through his hair, his gaze floating to the ceiling as he struggles to keep his composure. “I want to be here Jo, you mean everything to me.”

“How am I supposed to believe that? How am I supposed to let you back in when I know you were about to leave me without a word,” she’s begging herself not to cry right now, she’s done enough of that in the past week. But her stupid hormones bring tears to her eyes that she tries unsuccessfully to blink away. “Alex, you were ready to walk away from everything we’ve built without so much as a goodbye!”

“I know but-“

“But what?! Izzie sent you back home? Your conscience suddenly crawled back into your body after taking a two month vacation,” Jo’s voice rises as she stares Alex down. “What do you think you could possibly say that would make this better?”

Alex takes a step forward and Jo can’t bring herself to step away from him. Her mind is swirling, tears stinging her eyes as she meets his gaze, “Jo, I’m sorry.”

“Well sorry doesn't fix everything Alex.”

There’s a quiet moment between them as they stand mere inches from each other, eyes locked but no words exchanged. Alex does look remorseful, like every decision he had excluded her from is finally weighing heavily on his shoulders.

“I’m not going back to Kansas. Well, I’m not staying there at least,” Jo blinks up at Alex, waiting for him to continue before she says anything else. “I love my kids, god they're perfect, but that’s not where I belong. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that, I’m sorry it took you yelling at me to realize that because it just confirmed that I should’ve talked to you as soon as I found out.”

Alex takes another step forward, his chest almost touching hers as his hand comes up to cradle the curve of her stomach that one of his old shirts had hidden. In the month and a half that he’s been gone Jo’s figure had curved outward significantly, the baby bump now noticeable no matter what she wore. She’s not sure how he’d figured it out, but the simple act breaks the flimsy hold she has on her emotions. Instead of the tears she’d become so used to though, Jo finds herself overwhelmed with anger as she pushes away from Alex.

“If this is why you're back you can turn around and leave again.”

"It's not…. Well it is but it's not the only reason."

"Alex!”

“Just listen please. I'm not back because we're having a baby, I’m back because you being pregnant made me realize how stupid I was being when I decided to move to Kansas. Eli and Alexis... They're amazing, but they were amazing before I got there too. And I don't want to be a dad without you by my side. I want it all with you Jo and I know that might be hard to believe right now but-“

Before Alex finished his statement Jo had launched herself into his arms, tears staining his shirt where she had her face pressed against his chest, "I'm still pissed at you but these stupid hormones all telling me to give you another chance.”

“Thank god, I didn't have a backup plan if you kicked me out again.”

"But,” Jo leaned up and fixed Alex with a serious look. "This is your last chance. If you EVER screw up this badly again…”

“I won't.”

Jo leans back, pressing her lips to Alex’s as she pulled him into the loft, “Welcome home.”

[khaleesiofalicante]

Yeah, here I am once again. Appearing after the chaos I created 😂 but OMG WE HAVE ONLY ONE CHAPTER LEFT?? AND THEN THERE COMES THE ANGST?? I'M READY😎

I'm glad to inform you I finished the homework and I have only two assignments and two exams left that I will today :)) It was like:

Me: Maybe I should do this tomorrow??

Brain: But what about Dani?? And the chapter??

Me: Fuck, you are right, I need to do this :(

But anyways, here I am:

"He had been woken up by music, by love, by violence and by nightmares. And out of all those times, out of all those centuries, this was easily his favourite way to wake up." just the beginning and I'm having lots of feels🥺🥺

“Happy anniversary,” Magnus grinned against the other man’s mouth. “Happy anniversary,” Alec whispered. Fifteen years.Fifteen years since Alec Lightwood loved one man so much that he had changed the world for him." 15 YEARS? HRJWKDJDJ LOVE THEM💙

"Magnus understood why his son was acting all over the place. The boy was supposed to take up the position of Consul after Alec" *singing "Oh baby, no baby, you got it all wrong baby" *

"Next thing he knew, Alec was on top of him. His mouth was on Magnus. Where, exactly, Magnus didn’t notice – or care. He liked Alec everywhere." OH WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY! 😏

"Not the kind of banging he had hoped to start the day with to be honest." OH god😂😂 I love this man. He is the bane of my existence!” (I just-  The puns are killing me 😂)

“It might be karma, darling,”  (He got a point. Karma is a bitch)

“Since when do you have a problem with excessive glitter?” (Yeah Alec, Your excuses are getting worst 😂)

"You better do it, or I will tell everyone about your secret" YOU LITTLE SHIT!

"That child is the reincarnation of Christopher Lightwood!” 😂😂 i literally scared my dog cause I laughed so hard!!

"There were whispers and rumours all over the shadow world that Angel Raziel had given up on Alec’s Clave." OH THE FUCK NO!! I SWEAR I WILL THROW SOME HANDS AT HEAVEN!! "Because if Magnus found out Raziel was the one causing all this pain for Alec, he would march up to heaven and set the bastard on fire himself." FUCK YEAH. I'M COMING WITH YOU!! 🔪 🔪

“Livia Blackthorn had been listening through the Idris wards to gather pieces of information that might be crucial for Alec’s Council.” I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS LIVVY!!

Selena is Ragnor’s favorite!!! I LOVE IT

“The shadowhunter was a good influence on him. Magnus hoped Alec would see it sooner rather than later.”😂😂 You love him Alec and you know it!!

“She walked over to Magnus and hugged him tightly. And he sensed it immediately. The second heartbeat.” What?? WHAT??? I ALMOST SCREAMED. OMG. OMG

“Magnus stared at the necklace. The necklace he had bought in the 19th century for Camille. The necklace that had ended up in the hands of Will Herondale and then his sister. The necklace that had belonged to the Lightwood family for generations.” OMG SHE IS GIVING HIM THE LIGHTWOOD NECKLACE!!! THAT THING LITERALLY COMPLETE THE CIRCLE. BELONGED TO MAGNUS, CAMILLE, WILL, CECILY, ALL THE LIGHTWOODS AND THE MAGNU’S SON!!

I'm freaking out now because Izzy doesn't know??? Or maybe she does???And it's waiting to tell them?? I feel like a worried parent!!!

“But he knew it was all part of growing up. He would never pressure them to talk about their feelings or force them to make themselves vulnerable. All he could do was be there for them when they were ready to let it all out. “Do you want to tell me about it?” Magnus asked. He tried. Just in case.” What do I see here? Parenting doing right💙💙

“If you want love, you must be willing to accept the vulnerability that comes with it.” I just. This man gives the best advice ever!!

“I’ll try,” Rafael promised. “I don’t like lying.” “I know,” Magnus smiled. “So much like your dad.” But Alec did lie though. Magnus pushed the thought away. (Why is this such a rollercoaster??)

“His children were so much like his husband that sometimes it made Magnus wonder if they needed him at all. It was a ridiculous thought of course. But it stilled swam around his head. Sometimes a part of him thought it would be better if Alec had been the one to stay back and Magnus was the one to leave. The kids would be better off with Alec, his mind said. He always knew what to do with them.” IT'S NOT OK TO MAKE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE AN EXAM IN 3 MINUTES!!

Back from my exam 😂😂 And don’t worry. Just got one mistake :))

“Max of course was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. His regular look. But just below the pearl necklace wrapped around his neck was the Lightwood necklace.” YES. MAX WEARING THE LIGHTWOOD NECKLACE!!

“Alec walked out of their bedroom a moment later, and Magnus quite literally felt his heart stutter. Fifteen years. Fifteen years of loving and Alec still made his heart stutter.” They are the reason I believe in love💙💙

“If Magnus wasn’t wrong, he could see the thin layer of kohl under Alec’s blue eyes. Alec rarely enjoyed wearing makeup. But he rarely enjoyed saying no to children too. Magnus threw Rafael a grateful smile and the boy winked back.” Magnus and Rafael getting Alec to wear makeup is my will to live 😂😂

“The words died on Alec’s lips when his eyes fell on Magnus. The man sighed as he stared at Magnus. Fifteen years. Fifteen years and Magnus still took Alec’s breath away.” Jagcydwjendieu I’m emo

What?” Magnus asked coyly. “Is it too much?” “You know damn well it’s not,” Alec hissed and pulled Magnus towards him. “You look perfect. How do you look so perfect?” “Because I am standing next to you,” Magnus smiled.( They bad/perfect flirting it's just *chef kiss*)

“Bapak is a good looking one in the family,” Rafael pointed out. “You are the chaotic one and I am the smart one.” “What am I then?” Alec asked dryly. “A sack of potatoes?” “You’re the sexy one,” Magnus grinned. “A sexy sack of potatoes.” (THAT FAMILY IS KILLING ME IN THE GOOD WAY💙💙)

Magnus nudged Rafael on the back. The boy sighed and walked to his brother. “Come,” he took Max’s hand and led him to his bedroom. “Let’s find you something nice to wear, okay?” Max mumbled again but followed Rafael anyway. (I just can’t with all the love this family has!!!)

“Nope,” Alec said. “They are stuck with me.” “And you’re stuck with me,” Magnus replied. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else, Magnus,” Alec randomly speaks poetry… And he says he is not good with words??

“Selena was wearing a blue crop top with the words “MIND YOUR OWN UTEREUS” written in gold. David was in a simple sky-blue t-shirt, the colour of Max’s magic.” OK BUT THEM?? THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL

“Max hadn't changed his clothes. But he was wearing a blue leather jacket that belonged to Rafael. He looked happy about it.” I said it once and I will say it again. They are the definition of siblings

NO!! IT'S TIME FOR THE TOAST. I’M GOING TO CRY!!

"To Alec and Magnus - for being themselves and inspiring everyone else to do the same." CHEERS TO THAT BRO!!

“Isabelle,” Magnus called gently. “Let’s go easy on the champagne tonight, yes?” YES IZZY. I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND YOU NEED TO REST AND BE PROTECTED OK? OK

“The argument of “who gave the best gift” had started when Jace and Izzy had gotten drunk on vodka. It didn’t help that Alec had gotten drunk as well. All three Lightwood siblings had then proceeded to have an argument about who had the best spouse. The whole night had been drunken chaos. “

“So, Magnus had let his husband be that 18-year-old boy again. The boy who got drunk and fought with his siblings and sang songs about Magnus’ pretty eyes” 💙💙💙💙 This is just to pure

Ok, I feel like this is the chapter of the snippet from a long time ago. The one of Alec and Magnus in the closet while Mavid were talking, but I’m not sure

Why couldn’t this boy just cause chaos during his travel year like the rest of them? Why did he actually study and do his research as recommended?😂😂LMAOO

“Magnus didn’t know why. But the room suddenly felt rather hot. Poor David noticed his discomfort and came to his rescue. But unfortunately, the rescue attempt only made it worse” David, I love you with all my entire heart, but seriously??

DANI, NO! We have already been through this!! I have trauma out of this!!

OK, ok. It could have been worst

“But the time for talking was done. They were living it now.” I SWEAR I’M NOT CRYING!!

“Afraid of what?” Magnus asked. “I’m afraid you won’t find me attractive,” Alec said so quietly that Magnus barely heard it (MY HEART!!)

“But death is so much better than this. It’s so much better than waiting for the day you look at me and I no longer see that spark in your eyes.” THIS. THIS WAS THE DEAD OF ME

Fuck, i have an exam in 5 minutes and now I’m crying

Finally out of the exam 😂 This teacher literally asks us a question from the guidebook and if it's not 100% what it said there, then we fail

But going back to this HOLY SHIT I LOVE MAGNUS!!

“Did something say something to you?” Jace demanded, standing up angrily. “Because I swear by the angel-” “Nobody said anything, Jace!” Alec rolled his eyes. “I own a mirror!” “And is this mirror broken or something?” Isabelle asked incredulously. “Alec, honestly!” (I BELIEVE IN LIGHTWOOD SIBLINGS SUPREMACY!!)

“Yeah, man!” Simon nodded. “You are objectively good looking.” “Objectively good looking?” Jace snorted. “Excuse you, but my parabatai is smoking hot! He is a freaking prize, okay? If we had a magazine for hot shadowhunters, you would be on the cover page. Every single issue.” “Okay, that’s enough!” Alec interrupted. “Magnus, are you happy? Now all my friends have told me I am pretty.” “I said smoking hot,” Jace corrected. (*Sighs* I fucking love parabatai)

“Dad, I don’t know why you are so worried,” Max said in a bored tone. “You’re a total DILF.” David choked on his champagne and Jace patted him on the back. I’m dying jajdhuwejdjkew😂😂

“It means Dashing and Irresistible Looking Father” Singing again *Oh baby, no baby, you got it all wrong baby* Idk when this turned from Alec feeling self conscious to Thirsting Over Alec Lightwood-Bane but I’m here for it. Seriously. My mom is in front of me. She thinks and doing homework. And I’m just trying to keep a straight face (so hard) This is not working. I’m about to scream😂😂

2I can’t understand how you could look at yourself and not see what I see.”

“They stared at the picture on Max’s wall. The picture of Max and Rafael grinning ear to ear when they had visited Peru to piss Magnus off.” THOSE LIL SHITS!

tiEvery me they call each other baby my skin clears and i have three more years of life

“No,” Magnus managed a smile. “Sometimes things are just sad. So, you need to let yourself be sad.” 💙💙

“It’s Max!” Alec said. “We have to hide!" “Hide? This is our home!” (OH BOY😂😂)

I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SCENE!! “When I die, I will love you from my grave,” David said now. “I will love you from heaven.” WHY DO THEY ALL SPEAK POETRY?

Don’t let him go, Magnus whispered to Max inside his heart. Don’t ever let him get away.” MAVID IS JUST SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!

“He wondered how strong a person must be to not give up on guardian angels and the idea of heaven after being dragged through hell by his demon of a father.” My boy is strong af

“I don’t believe in angels or heaven,” Alec said then. “But I feel blessed to be loved by you too.” Magnus smiled against Alec’s neck. “Stop stealing David’s dialogues.”💙💙 I have said this to much but I love them

“For the rest of the night, they danced and laughed and drank and smiled. Of course, there was the sadness of time hanging over their heads. But they ignored it. They focused on the love in front of them.” These lines are just amazing

“And sorry,” David said quickly. “I apologize if I said something out of turn before. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble-” BOY COULD YOU STOP BEING PERFECT??

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it matters who you brought the necklace for,” David said, his blue eyes on Magnus. “Everything you do is out of love, Mr. Lightwood-Bane. And I think that’s beautiful.” EVEN MAGNUS STAY SPEECHLESS!!

“That’s not what I meant,” Jace shook his head. “David and Max. A shadowhunter and a warlock. They are together. They are happy. That’s cause of you, Alec. You and Magnus did that.” Magnus smiled at this husband. “Listen to your parabatai. He gets wise so very rarely.” YES THEY DID. I’M SO FUCKING PROUD!

“But he did it now. For Alec. Because Alexander Lightwood always has been and always will be his only exception.” The Malec feelings I’m getting from this are to much

“Magnus smiled. “How do I look?” “Immaculate,” Alec whispered. In the mirror, Magnus could see himself. His dark hair was woven with strands of gray. He had wrinkles on his face, just around the eyes. When Magnus smiled, his eyes crinkled.” OMG OMG!! I’M CRYING

“Magnus took Alec’s hand in his and put it over his heart. “Promise me you will stop smoking.” THANK YOU MAGNUS. LITERALLY THANK YOU!!

“I don’t care how they look at me. I care how you look at me," Alec smiled softly. "Because I only ever look back at you, Magnus.” Alec says these things like they aren’t worth a museum

I would never tell you what to do with your body, Alexander. But-” “Well, you tell me sometimes,” Alec snickered against his mouth. “Stop making jokes to avoid serious conversations,” Magnus slapped his husband on the arm. “That’s my thing.”😂😂

“Magnus stayed awake that night. He stayed awake and told his brain to cherish every single memory from tonight. That’s how Magnus spent every night. He would stay awake and ask his mind to remember.” THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND ACCURATE I ACTUALLY FORGET ITS NOT CANON

“And then he dreamt.In his dream, he saw them again. But they weren’t smiling this time.” :) Seriously?? SERIOUSLY? I’M SO DONE, YET I’M STILL HERE??

Ugh this was so beautiful i just can- I closed Tumblr so I didn’t get spoiled 😂 Amazing as always and I’m just going to have Malec feels for the rest of the day.

P.s. I was listening to One Last Time by LP and got even more emo 💙💙

This whole thing me so emo wtf 😭😭😭

I love your reactions so much 🥺🥺🥺

Also you reading fanfiction minutes before the exam is such a big dick move istg never change bro 😎

[sissytobitch10seconds]

Death's Door

Fandom: Grey's Anatomy Summary: Alex Karev's life has been and is smothered with tragedy. Warnings: Graphic descriptions of injuries/wounds, polyamory, mentions of mental illness and character death Word Count: 2,332 Ship(s): Alex Karev/George O'Malley/Izzie Stevens

Archive link!

The adrenaline was still rushing in his veins and the tears were drying on his cheeks. He sniffled heavily and wiped at his face with his sleeve. He could hear the steady, strong heartbeat from his wife on the monitor next to her bed. He wanted to hear that sound forever, he never wanted it to go away like it had before. She had coded in his arms. She had died in his arms after he had said all of those horrible things to her about wanting to put her out of her misery.

He was still shaking from the emotional burden of it all as someone touched his arm. He had to turn around to face them, which meant tearing his eyes away from the steady vitals of his wife. "Alex, we need you to come and do something."

"If this is work related it can fucking wait," he took his arm away from Callie. He didn't hate her anymore like he had when he had first started dating George, since the man had convinced him to let the grudge he was holding go, but that didn’t mean that he considered her to be anywhere close to a friend. "My wife just fucking died in my arms."

"We need you to ID the John Doe," she replied, blinking at him a few times since she was also reeling from all of the crises that were happening around the hospital.

He shook his head and tried to push back into Izzie's hospital room. "Why would I need to ID the John Doe that was brought in? If you know enough to come chasing after me then you know enough to know who he is."

"Who do you think the John Doe is if we're coming after you?" Callie asked, catching his arm again before he had the chance to go back into the room. 

He shrugged. "I-I don't fucking know, man. Listen, my wife just coded in my arms after not remembering anything about what happened after she got a massive brain surgery for her Cancer," he snapped. "I just want to go in there and hold her hand and cry until our boyfriend finally gets out of surgery and we're able to support her together."

"Alex!" Callie pleaded. "Meredith thinks that the John Doe is George and his brain almost swelled past the point of no return. We were able to save him again but he might not make it and we need to know if this is George or not."

He collapsed. 

Horrendous sobs ripped through his chest and mouth into the silent air of the hospital hallway. His throat heaved and gasped to try to get in any air in between the heart-shattering noises. The tears from earlier had returned and were streaking down his face. They collected on his cheeks and then ran down his neck, but also dropped off of his nose onto the ground. He wiped messily at his face to try and stop the tears and snot from collecting. He was shaking again as his legs completely gave out even from the squatting position that he had been in before so that he was sitting entirely on the ground. 

Callie slid down the wall so that she was next to him. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder to bring him to her. She wasn't great at giving comfort but she was trying her best as she began to rub small circles into the curve of his back.

"My wife just coded in my arms and now you want me to be the one to check to see if my boyfriend is on Death's Door too?" he asked, the sentence being interrupted almost every other word by violent sobs.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't have to."

He wrapped his arms around his legs. Bailey walked over to them both, handing Callie a box of tissues before she went to hover nearby. "I just want them to be okay. I love them so much!"

"Alex, it might not be George," Callie whispered.

He cried for a little longer before he let out a sour bark of laughter. "I'm a fucking terrible person. The first thing that I said to my wife that she remembered was that I hated being married to her and wanted to smother her with a pillow! Then my boyfriend, who I thought was in surgery with the chief, might actually be dying and I'm sitting here hoping that someone else is going to lose the most important person in their life!"

"You're not a terrible person for hoping that John Doe isn't George," she soothed. "I hope that it's not George either. I mean, I know that I divorced him but I still care about him a lot. I don't want him to die."

He grabbed a tissue from the box in her lap and used it to mop his face off. "Let's go and see if it is George. Can you, um, can you try to call him while I check some things on the John Doe?" He took his phone out of his pocket and offered it to the other doctor.

She took it from him. "Of course. You gonna tell Stevens?"

"No. I want to go now and she's still out of it. I'll tell Cristina and she can sit with her while I check. It won't be George anyway. He'll be fine, and alive, and not hurt at all, and able to help me support her and everything," he mumbled to himself as he tried to convince himself that it was true. He finished getting the tears and snot off of his face, stuffing the tissues into his pocket to throw away later. He got up and cleared his throat. His eyes flitted back to the room where his wife was staying. He felt the first bubble of reassurance that he had in weeks wrap around his heart as he saw just how many of their friends were already by her bedside.

Callie reached out and touched his shoulder with one hand. "You don't have to go right now if you don't feel up to it," she whispered comfortingly.

"No, I need to do this," Alex cleared his throat and nodded. "Lead the way, let's go and get this over with."

She nodded and then placed the box of tissues on the nurse's station countertop. The duo walked out of the Cancer wing and down to the Trauma ICU where the John Doe that was suspected of being his boyfriend was at the moment. There were a couple of the interns that used to be his friends and a few of the nurses that liked George hovering around outside of the door. They pushed through the group and then into the hospital room where John Doe was.

Alex felt his breath catch in his throat as he thought about how awful it would be if this man turned out to be one of the people he was in love with. He wasn't sure how he'd end up handling that if it turned out to be true. Callie hesitated before she walked over to the edge of the bed and picked up his hand. "Did he ever show you that freckle that looked like Texas? When we were married I used to tease him about it all the time," she mumbled, her lips sticking together as she tried not to cry.

"He told Iz about the teasing and then I used to joke that I was going to bite it off so he'd stop thinking about it," a small smile graced his face for the first time in several hours. He peeked over the body of the man to the hand that she was holding and felt his breath hitch in his throat as they found the freckle. "That's-that's just one mark, that doesn't mean that this is George. Has anyone asked the chick that she saved if he even looked like George?"

"She's in shock," Callie shook her head. She backed off of the John Doe and let Alex check a couple more things instead. She and George may have been married, but it was only for a couple of months and she knew that George had been in love with Alex and Izzie for years. 

The haggard looking doctor trailed his hand down the man's arm until he found the small, worn scar on his arm from when he had fallen out of a tree as a little kid. "No, please, no," he whispered as his movements began to get more frantic. He found the birth mark on his stomach which had just been missed by a couple of the surgery incisions. "It's him. It's him. There are three identifying marks. It-it has to be him, no one can have all three of those and not be George…"

Callie lurched forward and wrapped her arms around Alex as a flare of anger began to surge through him. The other doctor reached out and grabbed the chart off of the end of the bed. He chucked it at the wall and caused the entire binder to explode and send papers all over the floor. Normally, before he had gotten together with his partners, he would have kept going until the entire room was a mess. Instead, he just collapsed again. 

The woman that had been trying to hold him back ended up supporting his entire weight. She helped him into the chair next to the bed and went to go and get more tissues. Meredith took her place in the room instead. "It's him, isn't it?" she asked.

"Why is this happening to me?" he sobbed as he turned his head to look at her. "Why do I break everything that I love? Why am I hurting them?"

"You're not!" she gasped as she rushed forward and grabbed his hands. "Alex Karev, you are not hurting them. You have never laid a non-consensual hand on either of them. Cheating on Izzie during our intern year was not appropriate, but you decided that you were going to be loyal to them. You even married Izzie when you thought that she might not make it so that she could have her dream come true since George still had too much trauma," she was rambling and crying now but neither of them noticed.

"I just want them both to be okay," he sobbed. "I need at least one of them. How am I supposed to support them both? Izzie has Cancer and literally died in my arms and my boyfriend has been suffering and in pain in the hospital all day and I didn't even know anything about it or come and check on him!"

"You didn't know," she shook her head. "You can only do what you think is best at the time. You're here now. She's alive now. She's tumor free and still has her memory. That's all you can ask."

"I… okay…" he sniffled and nodded. "Will you please go and check on Iz? I need someone to be there and tell her but I can't move from his side. He's going to be scared when he wakes up and I have to make up for lost time."

Meredith smiled at him for a moment before she wiped the tears off of her face. "Yeah, I'll go and check on her for you," she stood up and kissed his forehead to comfort him. Their relationship was awkward sometimes, since he was used to being the big brother that had to take care of everyone and she had never had a sibling until she was well into adulthood, but he enjoyed having someone that was almost like an older sister to him. 

She slipped out of the room after watching him for a moment to make sure he wouldn't break down again. Callie was shepherding all of the people hovering outside of George's hospital room to give the doctor some space. This left Alex completely alone with his incredibly injured boyfriend.

He carefully reached out and took George's injured hand. He brought it up to his face and kissed the back of it. "Thanks for working through all the pain I'm sure that you were in to tell Mer who you were so that I could be here for you." He sighed to stop himself from crying, "I'm sorry that I didn't know it was you. I was so tired after staying up to make sure Iz would stay alive after her surgery that I didn't even think that you might be struggling too. I don't know why you weren't in surgery with the Chief like you were supposed to be but that doesn't matter anymore. Your brave, heroic ass saved some chick and basically threw yourself under a bus. A literal bus. Oh, man, George, what am I supposed to do without you? Iz and I both need you a lot, so you have to pull through. You're so much more put together than I am. I don't really know what I should be doing here, but I love you and so I'm going to stay here with you."

He finally let his talking drop off into silence so the only sound in the room was from the beeping of George's heart monitor.

This kind of thing kept happening to him. He would let himself get attached to someone and fall in love with them, either romantically or in a family way, and then something horrific would happen and take them away from him. Alex Karev lived outside of Death's Door, watching those he loved circle around it and away from his grasp without ever getting to feel the hurt of them really leaving him. He had to watch them suffer as a way to repent for his own sins, and that hurt so much more.

[fan4196]

How You Get the Girl

1989

(16x15 but it’s not Link at the door)

-

Stand there like a ghost

Shaking from the rain, rain

She'll open up the door

And say, are you insane, -ane?

Standing here right now, all the confidence he build up on his way up is gone. Simply gone. Looking at the brownish red medal door let's him rethink everything. He doesn't know if this was the right think to do anymore. He knows nothing is like it was when he left. Everything changed. Him leaving changed so much - for him, for her, everyone. Nothing could remake that mistake. He knows that leaving was the biggest mistake he could have ever made. And he needs to make it right again. He has no idea how but he at least has to try. After all that’s why he’s back - back to make things right again.

With a last deep breath he finally knocks on the door - hoping she was home but also hoping she wasn't. He doesn't know what she will say, what he will say, if she will listen or shut the door right in his face again. He shivers a little when he hears the door unlock and then squeal as it is pushed to the side.

"Oh my god." Her voice is surprised, her eyes look at him softly but also filled with tears and a little bit of anger. "Alex." Her voice is a whisper as she tightly pulls her arms around his neck. He did expect a lot but not this.

"Hi." He answers in a similar pitch as hers. Wrapping his arms around her as he buries his face in her hair.

He missed her so much. He can't describe how good it feels to hold her after what felt like years. She still smells like the prettiest wildflower field he ever knew, her hair is a little longer and also darker but she's still her.

"Are you insane? You're soaking." She starts worried as she unwraps her arms from his neck and quickly gets a towel while he's still standing in the door. "Give me this. Take your wet clothes off."

She grabs the suitcase from his hand and takes it inside while he quickly strips down his soaking wet jacked and takes his shoes and socks off.

"You wanna stay there forever or do you wanna come inside?" She asks with a smile as she puts his suitcase next to what used to be their bed.

"Jo I-"

Say it's been a long six months

And you were too afraid to tell her what you want, want

"It's been-" He starts as he slowly walks towards her.

"I know." She interrupts him as she looks up from her hands.

"Aren't you angry? Or- I don't know hate me?" He asks as he takes the place next to her on the little bench in front of what used to be their bed.

"I thought- I-" She takes his hand and looks at him with once again teary eyes, "I thought you were dead." She whispers, tears streaming down her face. "And whatever reason you had to not return my calls or texts, I'm just happy you're not dead." She squeezes his hand, "Which doesn't mean that I'm not hurt that you were somehow able to throw me away and ignore me like some piece of trash."

He opens his mouth to answer but he can't find the words. He doesn't know how to explain why he did what he did. Nothing can excuse what he did. He knows he needs to tell her but he's doesn't know how.

And that's how it works

That's how you get the girl

And then you say

I want you for worse or for better

I would wait for ever and ever

Broke your heart, I'll put it back together

I would wait for ever and ever

"You are not trash, Jo." He breaks the silence that lingered in the room for a few minutes. "I'm sorry you felt like I was abandoning you. That was never my intention. I'm sorry I was gone for six weeks." His last sentences a whisper before he takes a breath and continues, "But I want you, Jo. I married you because I love you, nothing will change that. I promised you for better, for worse. I'm sorry I didn't return your texts or calls I just- I needed time. But I’m back to make things right and I understand if you need time now too. I'll make it right again, I'll do everything to make it right again."

His tone is honest, his eyes are filled with tears too and his voice cracks during his last sentence. She knows that he means what he's saying. She knows she can trust him. But it was so easy for him to lie to her and leave - to ignore her - she doesn't know if her broken heart will ever recover from it if he does it again.

And that's how it works

That's how you get the girl, girl, oh

And that's how it works

That's how you get the girl, girl

Remind her how it used to be, be

Yeah, with pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks, cheeks

Silence lingers in the loft for a few seconds before he leans to her nightstand and grabs the picture frame that she put there the day after they returned from their honeymoon.

"I'm not the person that I was in this picture because time went on, life went on and it changed me but I'm still Alex - the stupid idiot that loves you so much that he can't imagine a life without you. I wanna grow old with you no matter what. I'm your Alex and nothing will ever change that."

Tell her how you must've lost your mind

When you left her all alone and never told her why, why

"I- ah I have kids Jo."

"What?"

"Izzie had my kids. Twins. A boy and a girl, they are five." He looks at her to see if she wants to say something but she keeps quiet as she turns her view away from him.

"When we reached out to the Doctors for Mer's trial, I also reached out to Izzie. We talked and I heard kids in the background. I asked her if she had kids and she said yes. She was silent for a few seconds after my question but then said that she used the frozen eggs. Since that second my brain didn't work properly anymore. It turned into autopilot and all I could think about was to go there and meet them. They are mine. They are perfect and I don't want to miss another second of their life but I love you - way to much to ever leave you behind. I could never do that and you now that because I told you so way to many times. I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I'm sorry I left you not knowing where I was. I'm sorry, Jo."

"You have kids." She answers still not looking at him.

"Yes." He answers simply.

"And you didn't tell me." She replies, turning her head to look at him for the first time again.

"I was afraid-"

"Of what? That I get angry at something you did years ago when you wanted to help your dying wife? Didn't we talk about that exact topic years ago? What were you afraid of?" She asks, looking at him.

"That I might loose you because another woman had my kids. That this news is just another trigger to push you back into depression. That- I don't know, my brain wasn't working properly. I just needed to figure it out on my own first." He answers holding eye contact because right now that's all he needs in this situation - seeing every single emotion and reaction she wasn't telling him verbally.

"And I get that. You shut down before you come and talk to me but why lying to me?" She asks not breaking eye contact either because she knows in serious conversations like this he needs to look her in the eyes.

"I don't know. I'm sorry." He answers a little more quiet than before.

A nod is all she answers. She knows that he’s sorry, he said it many times already, "What are their names?"

"Alexis and Eli." He answers simply, thinking about them for the first time since he set foot in what he once called home.

"You have a picture?"

"Yeah." He gets his phone out of his pocket and puts a picture up on it of the two five year olds smiling in the camera.

"They look so much like you."

"Mmhhh."

Silence lingers in the loft for a few minutes while they both keep looking at the picture.

"Please don't ever do something like this again, ok? Please talk to me or at least say something like 'Jo listen I need to do something. I can't talk about it yet but I will when I'm ready.' Ok?"

"I'm so sorry, Princess." He whispers as he buries his face deep in her necks.

"I know." Is all she answers, wrapping her arms a little tighter around his neck.

And that's how it works

That's how you got the girl

-

@thejolexgroupchat

[jennaflare]

tagged by @maderilien :D

rules: tag a few people you want to know better; make a new post, don’t reblog!

favorite color: Mustardy yellow or the green of leaves lit from behind

currently reading: The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery

last song: Genghis Khan by Miike Snow... I may be working on an izzy/ed playlist

last movie: What We Do in the Shadows

last series: Okay I mean technically? Black Sails because I was watching it during work today but in SPIRIT it's Our Flag Means Death because I was thinking about it the whole time I was watching bs and I have also watched it like. maybe seven or eight times now. oops.

sweet, spicy, or savory: Hard to choose... I love them all in turn. But in order of preference it'd probably go savory, spicy, sweet.

coffee or tea: Coffee! My sister and I probably spend too much money on good coffee and we grind it ourselves

three ships: Currently all that is rattling around in my head is ed/stede, ed/izzy, and olu/jim. I just keep rotating them in my brain like rotisserie chickens

first ever ship: Buffy/Spike and they STILL give me all the feelings, even though I hate Joss Whedon. Spike's love speech in season 7 is still one of my all time favorite TV love declarations. Star Wars is what got me into fic, but Spuffy is what got me into shipping.

currently working on: An Ed/Stede video set to His Status is... Preferred from crazy ex girlfriend. I also have too many ideas for izzy/ed videos and i just need to friggin PICK ONE

favorite piece of clothing: MY KIM KITSURAGI JACKET. It is so warm, flattering, and well made. Literally the nicest piece of clothing I own and pretty much the only jacket I wear now. I dread summer when I cannot wear it anymore.

comfort food: arroz con gandules, pasteles, tostones, korma, tom kha soup, nachos, ice cream, maduros. I'm already looking forward to Christmas so I can make arroz con gandules and drink coquito. and WHEN will the grocery store stock plantains again. i need them.

favorite time of year: Spring! When I lived farther south, I was big into fall and winter because the rest of the year was too hot. I still like fall, but i have a new appreciation for spring since it actually gets cold around here. Summer can fuck off <3

fav fanfiction: The Collision in Cardiozone HQ by glittermilk. The way they write Harry's skills, in particular the introduction of Esprit de Corps, is absolutely fantastic. I love the way young Harry and Kim interact and meet, and it's SO COOL how it's still set in canon so Harry just... forgets about him, like he does everything else. My friends had to demand I stop texting them lines from the fic because every single line is fucking hilarious. So so so good.

I always feel awkward about tagging people so??? do this??? if you want???? and let me see it :>