#and few enough brains and common sense to actually attempt it

[benevolenterrancy]

who doesn't enjoy teaching their pet a new trick?

[liveontelevision]

Redemption Pt.2 | Lucifer x Reader

I'm kind of having a hard time getting motivation to write if anyone has any Luci prompts they wanna drop in my asks 👀

But for now, here's some more angsty fluffy slow burn Luci for y'all

(Check out Redemption Pt.1!)

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It's been an.. awkward... few weeks. You kissed Lucifer. You kissed the king of Hell, who you've known for almost 2 decades, your boss and best friend. If that information didn't overwhelm your brain enough, he's managed to make you doubt Redemption. Still undecided, you began to fear the outcome of just disappearing without getting to make a decision. Without saying goodbye.

Even with your mental disaray, Business went on as usual. You did your routine paperwork and helped out with anything Charlie needed. Lucifer wasn't asking much of you these days. You assumed the best of him. Maybe he was just too busy. Or maybe he was avoiding you. You shook the frightful thought out of your head only to suddenly be hit with the memory of Lucifer looking so lovely with your lipgloss all over his face and neck. Damned man has taken over your entire brain.

Charlie would often ask you to help with touring, partnering in exercises, or helping new residents set up. You didn't really consider how much free time you'd have without seeing Lucifer as much as you usually do. Some days, you did at least walk by him in passing. You would smile at him, maybe say good morning or hello, and he would do the same. Like strangers. His smile was always sweet in the past, but these had a sense of disparity behind them. You couldn't confide in your dearest friend, and your paranoia got the better of when considering going to others. But you needed another opinion.

"Well, shit! Good for you toots! That all tracks, Luci's clearly a bottom." Angel laid on his stomach, kicking his long legs in the air like some gossiping teen. You just needed some advice on redemption, but you ended up spilling out the entire interaction. You sat at his vanity, your arms crossed over your chest. "Angel, please. What do you think about redemption? You've been here longer than anyone, don't you.. worry..? About never seeing anyone here again?" Angel looked down for a moment before swinging his legs around and sitting at the edge of his bed. He pat the spot next to him, and you quickly took a seat by his side. He gripped the edge of his bed and hunched over his torso, propping himself up by his elbows with his upper set of limbs. "Actually? I'm terrified. I've been here for 70s years, kid. This is basically all I know now. I had a family, a buncha siblings, and a whole backstory n shit, but.." He spoke softly, his voice cracking at the mention of his biological family." I barely think of 'em. Even with Val up my ass, I think of this as my home now. Charlie and Vaggie, even Alastor - and.. Husk." He swooned, without even realizing, at his own words." I think you gotta want redemption, babes. Maybe that's why i'm still here. I dunno." He placed a hand on your shoulder and sent a sympathetic smile. The tender care you hadn't received in so long was too much. You sniffled a bit and let your head fall onto his shoulder. "I don't know what to do, Angel... " He rubbed your arm that had traveled around your shoulders as you attempted to slow your shakey brrath.

Lucifer did what he always did when he was stressed. He created. Frustration seemed to be a common inspiration for his.. hobby. He filled his office to the brim with ducks, each with a fun little feature that he came up with spur of the moment. Without acknowledging it, he did leave your desk clear. Like he was waiting for you to suddenly appear there, all neat and tidy. A glimmer of relief in the pool of chaos his life had become. This went on for days.

He was rarely a participant at the bar, alcohol was just another reminder of the wrecklessness that could occur with free will. But fuck, he needed a drink. Making sure it was far too late, to avoid any unexpected interactions, he went down to the lobby. Still looking dishoveled and exhuasted, he prayed that no one would be down there, to see the king of hell looking to get sloshed at 3 in the morning.

To his luck, it was empty. The lights were almost all off, but the lobby was still filled with the red glow of Pentagram city just down the hill. Letting out a sigh of relief, Lucifer steps behind the bar, struggling to read any labels without a set light. That didn't stop him one bit,, randomly taking a bottle and drinking whatever was inside. It didn't taste good, but his head finally seemed to forget your face for a moment. He'll realize how horrifying that felt in the morning.

Looking for another drink that didnt burn his throat, he continued to sort through the drinks without any clear light source. Letting out a frustrated scoff, he flung a handful of golden flames behind him, attempting to light a display of candles that sat at the bar counter for decor.

"Fuck - !"

The sudden voice that came from behind made him drop whatever drink he had in his hand. It shattered, the sound echoing through the cleanliness of the new lobby. He turned his body around way too fast, only managing to focus on your face after a few dizzying moments. You hold onto the top of your arm, a clean burn swiped right across your skin. His eyes were darting across the room, seeing only half of the candles lit, your sudden appearance and newly burned flesh, and a small flame forming on the top of the couch across the room.

Despite his dizzying mind, he snapped his fingers, planning to at least stop the couch from burning the whole place down. In this attempt, he managed to sinch all three flames, the room suddenly being plunged into a darkness that you both had to adjust to. Lucifer's overwhelmed senses made him stumble, clutching onto the edge of the counter and holding his spinning head in his hand. Everything he's felt for the past few weeks and the guilt of causing you any harm finally hit him.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck - I'm sorry, i'm sorry..!" He wailed out, almost at the brink of tears. He gasped for air, his chest heavong. He could barely feel your hand brush across his back and start to rub it soothingly. He hitched his breath, doing his best to calm himself from this little attack. You had rounded the bar, your back leaning against the counter. standing at his side, you ran your fingers lightly across his back, starting to trace along his tense muscles. It was the smallest affection, yet he shuttered before feeling his unbalanced body relax, then began to sway in your direction.

"I'm okay, Lucifer..! I-I barely felt it! You're freaking yourself out, just try and - " his body finally hit yours after a stumble, his shoulder falling into your chest and knocking the air from your lungs. You shifted your postion to brace him from behind, his back now flush against your chest as you leaned both of your weight onto the counter.

You did your best to keep a clear mind, but seeing your beloved friend in this state did nothing but make you panic. Your friend.. that's what he'll always be at the end of this. Your friend who you've known since you died, who took you in without ever considering you'd grow this close. Your friend, who's created an incredibly difficult decision for you to make.

"Sweetheart, I'm s-sorry! I never meant to scare you off! I-I'm so scared to lose you - I can't imagine my days without you, love, I need you -" you shushed him, needing to cool your absolutely heated face at his words, but also to keep anyone else from seeing this display. You ushered him to the front of the building and out the front doors.

Despite it being Hell, there was a light breeze that hit the both of you with a relief. Lucifer stumbled onto the nearest wall, finally releasing his face to adjust his eyes to the sudden change of setting.

Blinking slowly, he took in your appearance much longer than anticipated. You wore a comfortable baby blue slip that loosley hung over your figure. He surely wouldve taken the time appreciate your figure if you didnt have a a blanket bunched around your entirety. He did his best to not look disapointed, but failed miserably. You couldnt help but smile at his poor display of affection.

You took a hold onto Lucifer's clammy hands, making him turn redder than he was before from embarrassment. He took a moment to meet your eyes, something he hadnt done in days at this point.

"Come with me?" You spoke so neutrally, a clear tone that seemed to calm his thoughts. He simply nodded, allowing you to lead his staggering body around to the side of the building. It was a bit of a hike, but the brisk air and the movement seemed to settle Lucifer's high. That being said, he still kept his arm around your shoulders for balance.

Upon arrival, the sight was enough to startle him, a small walkthrough garden sprouting from the side of the building. It was lush with Hell's native fiolage, flowers and vines with dangerous looking thorns and teeth growing from them. The purples and reds growing from the fenced off border and the small iron table and bench that sat in the center just underneath an arch with flowers intermingled, it all looked so innocent.

"Wh-hhow.. what is this?" He managed to ask, looking over at you as you continued to lead him through the garden.  "I'm actually not sure. I don't remember seeing it in any blueprints when we redid the hotel, but i went for a walk and saw it here. Someone else must've put it together." You weren't sure if he was able to process that information, but you led him to sit on the bench with a thud. His body fell limp, hitting his head on the back of the frame with a ting.

You simply sat beside him for a moment in a bliss silence. It was comforting, despite all the previously chaos the two of you just went through.

"I should be scoldering you, sir. You haven't been drunk in years and last time you did - "

"Lillith. It was after she left, I know.." you only meant to call out how poorly he handled his liquor in the past, but it made your heart ache hearing him make that connection.

You let out an awkward agreement and continued to sit in silence for another moment longer. Lucifer finally let his head fall onto your shoulder and a sigh of relief escaped his lips, as you felt the heat coming off of his body.

"How'd you find this place? It's nice." He said softly, his voice raspy and wavering." I've been using it to escape.. to think." You said in an equally soft tone, unsure of his mental state at this point. You discovered this little hidden gem while desperately looking for air, struggling through one of your own panic attacks. Once you saw it the first time, it almost became a nightly routine. The walk to it was always clear from other demons, and passing Lucifer's giant pentagram in front of the hotel gave you a sense of comfort and protection. You felt him shift slightly, he pulled the blanket away from your arm and held it up lightly to inspect the burn that you had nearly forgotten about. His hands flinched for a moment, letting out a quiet hiss. He could've simply snapped his fingers or waited for your demonic body to heal itself, but instead he lightly ran his thumb across the entirety of the wound. As he pressed into your arm, you noticed the burn mark simply disapear behind his hands. You let out a satisified hum. It was always so interesting to see him use his powers, you rarely got to see him in action.

"I think - to be redeemed, you have to accept it. To be absolutely sure it's what you want. That's what angel thinks, at least." You wanted to ask why he was out of his room at three in the morning, getting drunk and why he was avoiding you for days. But you knew why.

"I still don't really know, Lucifer. I don't know what I want.. but I need you right now. I can't lose you because of t-this.." You admitted, your voice cracking slightly at your own words.

You fretted this conversation. You worried about how he would react to any answer that wasn't I'm staying with you forever! Forget redemption!

As your breath began to pick up, you watched lucifer stand, his back facing you for a moment. It made your heart drop, rushing to the conclusion that he'd leave you there alone. To your surpise, he makes a smooth motion of turning to sit in front of you on the ground, holding gently onto your calf that he pulled from the blanket. You jumped at the small touch. Turning beat red, your mind inappropriately jumped to conclusions.

"U-Uhm - Lucifer.." you called out his name as if you had any idea what to say in this moment, with him at your knees holding you so tenderly.

"You've done so much for me, love." He planted a small kiss right below your knee. "I promise I'll do anything in my power to keep you happy and safe while you're in Hell." He paused in between words, to move his small kisses up your leg." No matter how long that will be."

He's much bolder with drinks, you thought. That aside, you couldn't help but feel small tears well up in your eyes, a combination of relief and embarrasment washing over you. "Really..?" You asked so quietly, it was as if you were still worried about the answer.

He nodded with a sleepy smile, resting his head on your knee. In need of any type of comfort, you carefuly reached for his head, brushing your fingers through his dishoveled locks. He shut his eyes, letting out a sweet purr at every touch. What a strange effect he had on you. Your heart was racing, yet its mever felt lighter. Your mind, still full of dreaded thoughts, only occupied his relaxed expression in this moment. Your face was red with embarrassment of this treatment, but you were ready to beg him to keep touching you this way.

You placed your finger under Lucifer's chin and guided him upwards, making him stretch to his knees and place both his hands on either side of you. You hesitated in front of his lips for a moment. His breath was so steady, and feeling the pulse through his throat, his heart seemed to beat much slower than yours in this moment. You gulped, more nervous than before, before meeting his lips with yours. Your kiss was tender, yet it hinted at a longing for something more. He decided to take the lead, compared to last time, his hands moving up to cup your cheeks and wipe any of the wet streaks that had stained your skin previously.

Tilting his head to invite himself into your mouth, your breath hitched at the energy he seemed to eminate. He stands for a moment, then places a knee beside you, moving his hands to either side of you and caging you in by holding onto the back of the bench. This upper hand that he suddenly had made you squirm a bit, letting out a nervous yelp into his lips. You felt his smile at the sound of your voice, making you turn impossibly red. After pulling away for air that you didnt realize you needed until then, he pressed his forehead against yours and let out a sweet hum.

As he went back in for more, the breath that hit your lips reaked of alcohol. That was enough to snap you back into reality. As he reached down, you planted your hands firmly on his chest, a serious intent, even with your eyes being glazed over as much as they were. "Come to bed with me, Luci. Just to sleep, alright? It's been a long night." You said softly, running your hands up and down his curves despite your intentions of not taking advantage of him any more than you've already done. You felt his skin crawl, his breath finally speeding a bit, a more nervous side of him that you were used to coming out. Maybe it was the idea of sleeping beside you, or him overthinking the invitation. Or maybe the newfound nickname was just too much for his drunken mind to handle. He quickly nods, making you pull the blanket back up around your shoulders and lead Lucifer back inside.

○○○

You take him into his bedroom, which you've rarily seen since you moved to the hotel. It wasnt as large and regal as the one in his previous residency, but it still was much grander compared to yours. His colour scheme matched the rest if the hotel, rich reds and purples. Most of the room was filled with the bed that sat on a slightly elevated platform and hit the cieling with a canopy that adorned silky drapes. A bed truly fit for a king, was unmade and unkept. Blankets were thrown about and the pillows were scattered in various places. The room was slightly cluttered, a few stray ducks that you recognized from his office making their way into his room like muddy footprints.

Lucifer stumbled his way into his room, immediately pulling his shirt off over his head, letting out a groan and letting his body cool down as he started to remove his boots. You couldn't help but stare, no matter how hard you tried to avoid it. You turned your body to the side, covering your eyes with the side of your hand. You manuevered your way around him and plopped onto the edge of the bed. You nearly sunk in with how plush the blanketing and mattress was. Still keeping your head lowered to avoid peeking, you curled up into your own blanket.

Feeling the mattress barely shift, you quicklly looked up to see Lucifer crawling his way towards the head of the bed. He barely changed, just managing to throw on a more casual pair of pants that you recognized seeing on the floor when you first walked in. His still bare chest left you abolutely flustered. His porcelain skin had shifted to a pink hue where he had gotten too cold. He immediately pulled his large blankets over his body and relaxed to the point where you assumed he had fallen asleep immediately. You listened to his steady breath for a moment, a comfortable silence in your mind, then rose to your feet, ready to shuffle out of the room.

"Noo, come back - " he groaned. It wasnt intimate or distressed, he sounded like a damned child. You rolled your eyes, unconciously smiling and crawling a comfortable distance from him on the other side of the bed, an easy task considering the size of it. You thought it best to keep your hands to yourself, so you curled up into the blankets with a comfortable wiggle to situate yourself.

Lucifer slightly opened his half lidded eyes, seeing you coccooned in his blankets, nuzzling your head into his pillows. He would pray for this to be the last and first thing he saw everyday. He closed the distance, pulling you into his chest and intertwining your legs in an attempt to be closer. His skin was incredibly soft, smooth and still warm to the touch under your cold hands that snaked around his waist. You felt him nuzzling your head, taking in a deep breath and resting his chin atop it. How was he so calm right now? This is a completely different side of Lucifer that you've yet to see. And certainly werent expecting to see any time soon.

This is fine. You'll wait until he's in a deeper sleep and leave before anyone else wakes up! Easy peasy. You just wanted him to get to bed after all.

○○○

[cupcakeslushie]

am IN LOVE with your feral leo au

the story just keeps getting interesting every time!

i love the art so much! i just wanna- AGEUGAUEGUAEGA * insert more gremlin noises *

-{ by someone who should probably study for their exam }

Thank you! Also *softly bops you on the head* I hope you studied and did well on your exam!

IT’S FERAL LEO HOURS!!!

@renmiel Honestly Donnie hasn’t really had time to process properly. After Leo, he’s the one on the team with the most medical knowledge so he’s stuck in a sort of, assess what we can fix immediately mode, hence why he’s the only one with bites, and then when Leo’s all cleaned up, Donnie moves into a denial stage and thinks with enough prodding he can sort of snap Leo out of it. Raph tries to tell him that Leo might never be the same, but for being so smart, sometimes Donnie refuses to see what’s right in front of him if he doesn’t like the reality of it. It takes him a few days to realize this won’t be a quick fix.

@imadino @blankiss2204000 @aron-has-ocs

The plan at first is really just to make him as comfortable as possible so they don’t get attacked lol. Just because they’re his family doesn’t mean Leo wont pounce and lash out if startled. So he stays with Mikey in the infirmary for a few days, listening to his little brother’s stories about when they were young, and looking at the pictures on his phone, up until Mikey’s recovered and can move around. By then the rest of the family has “Feral Proofed” the lair (i.e closed off all the places Leo could escape to and get lost, hidden all the sharp objects things like that). Then they make sure someone’s with him at all times. They make him a nest in the corner of the living room, but he’ll prowl around at night and check to make sure the lair is secure, and by the morning he can be found at the foot of someone’s bed—usually Mikey.

Once Leo’s more at ease with them, Donnie can get to work on patching Leo’s shell. He does try to make turtle noises back at Leo, but Leo just huffs and wheeze laughs at the sad attempt, and pokes Donnie in that big forehead of his. Still Donnie keeps trying and gets better. Now that he’s fully accepted the situation as it is, he’ll do anything if it helps, even if it is a bit embarrassing.

Yes that “churp” is a turtle noise. I’ve found it’s a pretty common staple of TMNT fanfic that I’m obsessed with lol.

Leo’s recovery is LONG He gets nightmares pretty regularly and it’s months before he’s even able to let his guard down, despite only ever remaining in the lair where it’s always quiet and safe. I’d say it takes Leo at least a year before he starts to resemble himself and speak in fuller sentences (though the chirps and hissing never go away). Then maybe two years before he’s able to make cheesy jokes and fight without reverting to his more savage way of fighting. Even starting off slow—bringing him only on what they think will be easy missions, can sometimes end with them having to pull Leo off of the bad guys before he causes them serious harm.

Leo isn’t embarrassed so much—he realizes he did what he had to in order to survive and make it back to his family. He’s more serious and actually shockingly calmer now, but at the same time, in no uncertain terms, he makes it clear that he thinks Raph should take the reigns back, Leo knows he’s in no proper state to lead.

@asleepyb0i one word. Klunk!!!! Mikey finds him one day a few months into sneaking out to help with Invasion clean up, but he let’s Leo hold him so much that he’s Mikey and Leo’s little fluff ball.

Leo and Draxum never really liked one another, but awkward Dad #2 does try to help when he can. Leo manages to sneak out of the lair a few times, and gives his family heart attacks every time, but they always manage to track him down, or he finds his way back, his sense of direction is one thing that was sharpened in the Prison Dimension.

GOLLUM??!! GOLLUM????! I don’t think he looks that bad off does he???? 😱

A. You’re so right. Galaxy brained!

B. @snipersiniora That’s a good way to lose a finger! No, he keeps the nails for a long while until he’s a bit calmer.

C. @snipersiniora He’ll eat anything at this point, but pizza will always be a fav!

D. You know what’s funny? While I was googling the spelling on Pepino like forever ago, just to make sure I was spelling it right, I read that there’s actually a common Spanish phrase (and please native speakers correct me if I’m wrong!) something translated like “I care a cucumber.” When you don’t care about something or want the convo to end, and I think that’s hilarious and maybe I’m reading too much into it, but if the writers knew about that phrase and having Heuso use it cause of course Leo’s green like a cucumber, BUT ALSO because Hueso didn’t much like Leo at first and always seemed to want him to go away—that’s gotta be the funniest thing ever.

E. Well…they are in a sewer….with lots of…………….rats.

F. The crack’s pretty large but not too deep. Donnie patches it before shell rot sets in (it never set in before because the prison dimension kept Leo in like a sort of stasis where his wounds healed and scarred over in a few days). He’s gotta be very careful for a few weeks, while it heals, which is a bit of a re-learning curve. Leo’s not used to his wounds actually slowing him down for so long.

G. I will say…..no. Just for possibly any future angst I might want to cause lol

H. Leo was in the prison dimension three years so he’d be 19!

I. Re-introducing Leo to Cass and Sunita, yes all good 👍. Re-introducing Leo to Big Mama, no very much bad, all out hissing and clawing!

@hapfrog @snowblossim @zowise2912 aw thanks!!

Music is a very common calming technique Donnie reads about, and then puts into practice when they need to. It works like a charm at relaxing Leo. The prison dimension was so quiet, unless it was filled with Leo’s cries or Kraang Prime cursing and screaming at him. So music allows Leo the audio proof that he’s not there anymore.

Leo’s reaction to his bale crying would be to curl up around them and protect! If there was no threat to scare off he’d focus on providing physical warmth and comfort.

Leo’s knees are probably the least of his worries, that boy’s body is so torn up it’s one big ball of pain, which he’s gotten so used to, it hardly registers. But he does have to do a lot of physical therapy with Donnie and Raph (alongside Mikey who needs it for his own hands).

Leo didn’t have to eat or sleep in the prison dimension. His body was kept in a sort of stasis—the only wear and tear was from the Kraang. He didn’t even physically age. I wouldn’t think about it too much (I know I haven’t lol) So re-eating syndrome wasn’t a challenge for him, but mentally he does have to get used to the idea of being hungry and eating. He kinda fights them the first time they try and get food in him, but after remembering how good food is—even the simple bland soup Splinter makes him, he’s a nightmare at meal time (his table manners are non-existent).

[autisticlee]

when you're autistic and can't mask and genuinely don't know how to talk to and interact with people, but you really want friends or something.....people tell you "go to places and ~just talk to people~ it's easy" but when you ask how to talk to people they say "just say anything" but you're super confused because any attempts to try to speak either end in getting completely ignored, bullied, or worse, because you're "weird and creepy" and can't say things right, make everyone uncomfortable, and making strange noises to communicate when you can't speak actual words isn't acceptable. that's if you can even physically say anything at all! because if you struggle to speak in general, then it's game over before it even begins. small talk seems simple because you can script most of it, but I can't even do that irl. even online when I do it, it never goes past that. i never feel connected to people, get bored/uninterested, don't know what to do after, and don't know when it's appropriate to start talking about special interests, if at all, because most people dont share my interests at all

no one has advice for that besides "just do it" and no one is ever patient or kind enough to try to engage themsleves, because no one understands how hard speaking is! it's always expected that *I* initiate everything and have to do all the work because im the one that wants a friend. no one is interested in me first, so no one will be the one to initiate first. i've gone to things alone, awkwardly did everything alone, tried to talk to people and failed, but no one approached me first or tried to converse and be friends. if someone did try to talk to me, i'd be so overwlmed with sensory processing disorder that i dont hear them and before i can try to clarify what they said, they walk away. my processing speed is so slow that i cant react before they get lost in the crowd.

I always end up extremely overwhelmed, burnt out, and need to find a quiet place alone to have at least a few meltdown or shutdowns. i'm struggling and suffering the whole time, but i'm "just doing it" because people keep telling me I need to "just try" and no one will help or support me and my needs and struggles so I have no choice but to put myself in dangerous situations where I can't be fully aware of my surroundings because i'm so disabled by my brain. I don't know how to behave if i'm not following and copying someome i'm with. instead I just dissociate until i'm not present and i'm unaware of myself and everyone and thing around me, while also being painfully aware of all the sensory input that wants to send me into meltdowns.

realistically, I don't think I *should* be going anywhere alone. I need help. I need support. I've gotten into near trouble with strangers who see me as an easy target but somehow got lucky and got away. I can't ask got help if I need it. I can't scream if one of those strangers got ahold of me. actually one DID get ahold of me once. I don't remember how I got oht of it. i dissociated so bad I have no memory after being grabbed...I don't know how to react to trouble correctly. I don't know basic common sense needed for being out alone. *I* know i'm in danger by being out alone but everyone in my life ignores my needs and struggles and forces me to either do everything alone or rot in my tiny dark room alone. so I decide to prove to them doing things alone is dangerous and doesn't help me. i'll tell them the dangerous stuff I got into they don't care. they just lecture me for not acting normal.

but I try. I try so hard. I hate every moment of ot and never get anythjg out of it except misery and pain and mental and emotional turmoil. but people don't believe me that i'm actually trying because they swear it will work if I "just try" so I keep trying and keep having a horrible time. it always ends in me feeling horrible physically and emotionally, being burnt out and disappointed that i didnt make friends like i was told i would just by going there alone. going to places does not mean you automatically make friends!!!!!! everyone else goes there *with* friends. they aren't looking for new ones. people who are good at making friends don't need to go places to make friends, because they already have them! so no social person who is good at talking and really nice is going to be there looking for friends, see i'm alone, and become my friend. hell, most social people talk one look at my awkward ass and turn the other way. they dont want someone awkward around them. my first impression is horrible. that's what people judge by. it's expected that i'm the one to try to break into a group of people and sell my soul to them and make them want to add me to their already established friend group. but i'll never know what group i'd fit in. I barely have the social energy to be around a crowd of people. how am I expected to interact with even a single person??? when you don't have the skill, social energy, or general ability to do any of the expected social stuff and cant mask on top of it, you have no other choice but to accept being alone forever...😞

[tokusaatsus]

HOW YOU END UP ON A DATE WITH THEM

ft. kiryu kuro, sakuma rei, shiina niki

© tokusaatsus 2022

warnings: none

You’re set up on a blind date, except it starts out terribly–with you getting stood up. You are going to be having words with your friends about this later.

Kuro sees you sitting alone and ends up pretending to be your date in an attempt to save you from the crushing embarrassment he can see you stewing in. When he strolls over to you, the relief in your eyes is palpable and he doesn’t have the heart to brush you off after that.

He ends up taking you to a nearby fair. You stroll past various game stalls, where he makes multiple attempts to win you the plushies you’d been eyeing. He feels a sense of accomplishment when your eyes brighten at the sight of the cuddly soft toy in his arms, but there’s still that underlying guilt. He feels as though he’s somehow having taken advantage of you, even when you clutch the plushie to your chest. It intensifies when you insist on buying him a snack as thanks. Later, when he walks you home hand-in-hand under the stars, he can’t take it anymore, and it’s right there at your doorstep that Kuro confesses that he’s not your actual date.

You admit, a little embarrassed, that you knew all along–your friends weren’t foolish enough to leave you without a few descriptors of your supposed date–but you were having so much fun with him that you felt there was no right moment to let him know. You bow and tell him you’re sorry for taking advantage of him, keeping your gaze fixed on your feet.

There’s a moment of silence where you avoid eye-contact, when you hear a low chuckle. 

“If ya liked this one so much,” Kuro gives you a crooked smile. “Then how ‘bout we go on another one. This Saturday work for ya? I’ll pick ya up at 8?”

You nod, a little flustered. Just before he leaves, he presses a quick kiss to your cheek and adds, “Oh, and this time? I’m your actual date~”

You and Rei get set up on the same blind date, something which was clearly Kaoru’s fault. After all, he’s the only point of contact between your friend group and Rei’s. You will be getting him back for this.

It’s a little awkward at first, when you sit at Café Cinnamon bored out of your mind, and look up to see the Sakuma Rei, ½ of UNDEAD’s main attractions, lowering himself to sit in the seat opposite you.

At your flabbergasted look, Rei lets out a nervous chuckle and says, “I think this might be my seat, Y/N-kun?” which answers absolutely nothing of the 50-plus questions swirling around in your brain.

However, as the date does go smoothly, despite your reservations. The two of you are able to have conversations, about work, about life after graduation, about your hobbies, and it ends up showing that you two have quite a lot in common! It’s actually–dare you say it–fun. Talking to Rei is nice. He’s an interesting conversation partner, filled with anecdotes about abroad, and you can tell he feels the same way about you.

You end up staying much longer than you were expecting. The Rei of UNDEAD differs quite a bit from the Rei you’ve come to know over the course of these few hours, and it’s interesting, learning where they overlap and where they separate. Who can blame you for wanting to stay longer? When a pretty boy gives you his undivided attention and listens to you ramble on about your latest hyperfixations, well…that kind of thing can make anyone’s ego swell.

The date comes to a close with a brief argument over who pays for the date, which you win, of course. Hesitantly, you turn to Rei as you add that, “You can pay for the next one, ‘kay, Sakuma-kun?” which is followed by a blink, and a goofy smile spreading across the self-proclaimed vampire’s face.

“Kukuku, but of course, Y/N-kun. It would be this old man’s pleasure to take you out again~”

It isn’t an uncommon occurrence for you to be invited to go out on a date with Niki, except neither of you realise it’s a date. You call it a ‘friendly outing’, both inside your head and to others, and are treated to a lot of skeptical glances from your friends who aren’t quite certain if you’re pulling a fast one on them or if you’re just that stupid.

You’ve been on many of these ‘outings’ before, usually consisting of the two of you going window shopping where you hold hands and point out cute things that you think he’d like–or that you wish you could buy–followed by a date at a cook-your-own-meal restaurant where Niki takes the reins and conducts the meal with the skill of a chef. He feeds you the food he’s grilling, and it’s cute, honestly. You give off the vibes of a domestic couple, what with the way you eagerly light up as Niki holds his chopsticks to your mouth and how naturally you hold Niki’s hair out of his eyes so he can better see what he’s doing.

You go on like that for quite some time, actually, until some old lady chances upon the two of you strolling past and comments on what a “cute couple you two make”. She coos over you for a bit longer before going on her own merry way, oblivious to the bombshell she’s just dropped.

It’s then you start to realise that, yes, this does qualify as a date and the two of you have basically been dating already for the past few weeks.

After you get over the initial embarrassment, you realise there’s no need to act like this is your first date because, it’s not. You’ve basically been speedrunning the date process. At this point, you’ve practically been dating for over a month, which explains all the raised eyebrows from your friends. Oh, you’re never living this down, are you…?

notes!

WC: 1k words

reze txt i’ve been procrastinating on this for. over a week now? i kinda hate myself tbh i was Supposed to write more but i Could Not bring myself to. i miss niki… anyways enjoy!! and stream honeycomb summer y’all <3

[greenshi]

alright tell me about YOUR current favorite guy now

I AM FINALLY DOING THIS i have been. so distracted lmaooo. BUT I decided to do the guy in my icon, fifth member of weezer and best FE character, Python <3. He may not be the Number One guy in my brain right this moment, but that spot and most after it are all taken by OCs, so. We're doing him instead. Also because of this tag because I think you'd like this guy jort

ANYWAY, Python. My guy. He's a character from Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, a recruitable archer early on in Alm's route.

Now, in Echoes, the class discrepancy between nobles and commoners is a prominent theme, especially in Alm's route. This is something that comes up in a lot of FE games, unsurprisingly, seeing as princes and thieves fight together side by side. And the games (at least those I've played, which is only FEA-FE3H. I know.) tend to handwave a lot of the more unsavory points of that topic. A lot of the time, conversations or supports that delve into that topic end in "yeah, being poor and starving sucks, but you know what also sucks? Being royalty! It's really hard :[" which, like, yeah, it is, but also one party here has the means to help the other, but is choosing not to instead say how their life sucks too, actually. Idk, these conversations always rubbed me in the wrong way a bit.

ALL THAT BEING SAID, Python is a commoner. And he doesnt buy any of that "being rich is hard too guys :[" shit for a Second. In his support with Clive (a nobleman knight who's opinion on the whole situation is "well some people have to be poor so I can be rich") he straight up tells him that his ideas on how society should be run are wrong and that his view on common people are condescending at best.

Python doesn't fight for honor or any sense of duty, he fights for his paycheck and his childhood friend who does feel that duty, Forsyth. Even if he and Forsyth disagree on many things, there's a mutual respect between the two, an understanding of their station, and a small rivalry between how to best navigate said station. Forsyth encourages Python to get out there, try things, put some effort into life. But Python just, doesn't see much of a point. But it's not for any depressive reason, or even straight apathy. Python just prioritizes rest and relaxation. He doesn't live to work, he has no dream job (which Forsyth takes as having no dream at all, not that Python would disagree), he just wants to enjoy his life; sleeping in the sun, having a few drinks, spending time with friends, and sharing stories and gossip.

Speaking of friends and gossip, I'm going to drop my favorite support of his, maybe even my favorite support in the whole game (even though its locked behind a dlc map like seriously what was up with this games dlc why is a support between two base game units behind a paywall-)

Going from this support, and the fact that neither of them have romantic endings, (Lukas' even saying he 'never wanted for companionship') this is a pretty clear attempt by FE at writing two aroace (or at least just aro) characters. And, idk, I think its really special. Neither are framed as missing out or needing another to be happy, the conversation is to the point and respectful, and they are both allowed to be full characters beyond this detail of their lives.

And that's a common thread through Python's character that I admire. In any other story, the character that had no want for big dreams, constant improvement, or romance would be framed as an empty person, someone deeply unhappy without anything to strive for. But, even as the other characters try and impose that narrative onto Python, that's never actually the case. He is happy as he is, doing just enough to be as comfortable as he can, taking rests and shortcuts all along the way. He will not sell his time more than he must, he will not work harder than he has to, he will not allow those who push themselves to breaking for those above them to guilt him into doing the same. He has nothing to prove, nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, the one time he could push himself, in his bad ending after Forsyth dies, *THAT* is when he is empty and miserable, fighting like his friend once did until his early, untimely death.

Python is just such a breath of fresh air. He was the one in my brain telling me say no to my boss long before Chilchuck, he is a character that not even FE has been able to write like that again (even when writing for him specifically, like his Heroes characterization is so off and bad augh). He is one of the very few canonically aro characters I can find, and I'm proud to have him napping in my icon for the foreseeable future.

[spenglercore]

Omggg I was gonna send you some asks about Egon headcanons and completely forgot lol

So I saw you headcanon Egon as autistic and wanted to know what kinds of stims you headcanon him to do/have! Also as a bonus what kind of fidgets do you think would work best for him? Because we all know those are hot and miss and not everything works for everybody 😂

It's funny, I had a bit about him being on the spectrum to be widely accepted fanon in the last ask, but trimmed it bc I'd already written a novel.

Stims are one thing I've actually put a lot of thought into as far as his character, cos like you said, they differ from person to person. I stim very differently from my spouse, lmao.

Finger tapping is one that he actually does in the first film; he's tapping his fingers on the surveyor's tape measure he's holding when they first got to the firehouse, and I feel like that's also pretty common. This was also my jumping-off point for a few of his other physical stims.

More under the cut!

So alongside finger tapping, I often see him doing the classic idle leg bounce. Both are mundane and fairly ubiquitous even among NT people, so he doesn't feel the need to actively resist or stop himself. Both motions tap into his sense of proprioception in a very pleasant way. Something about the motion coupled with the resistance of changing direction rapidly just pings his brain Just Right. Another thing that stems from that, but one that he's learned to hide after one too many times getting mocked for it is dancing. I hc he learned to dance as a kid because well, in the late 40s and into the 50s that's just. What one learned to do, and in the first film it's stated that he and the others danced with some people at a club called The Rose. He enjoys the movement for the same reasons he taps his fingers or bounces his leg; there's motion through space, a sort of resistive feeling when there's a change in direction due to inertia, the impact of his feet on the ground. But he only dances whenever he's sure he's alone, so nobody really knows about it and they actually assume he can't dance, especially because he dislikes having to dance with a complete stranger, so his movements become stilted and almost robotic because the proximity to someone he's unfamiliar with.

You get him in the same room with someone he's comfortable with though and it's a different story >:)

Dancing as a stim also leads very nicely into his auditory stim. He's a Song Repeater of the highest caliber, and the music that tickles his brain is very much not what people expect. He tends to gravitate toward songs that have sounds more toward the lower ranges that feel 'fuller' sound-wise. Songs like Don't Bring Me Down by ELO, Gimme Some Lovin' by Spencer Davis Group, and The Loco-Motion by Grand Funk Railroad is one he listened to so much in college that Ray will change the station or turn off the radio outright if it comes on. But anything with a sort of 'heavy' or 'bouncy' feel to it, especially if it has repetitive or broad cyclic elements is going to get his attention most of the time.

He's also got a tactile stim with a bit of a story behind it, but I'll save that for another ask bc it's 1: Long and 2: Involves my headcanons for the kind of people his parents were. So, in lieu of any sort of purpose-made fidget toy, he's almost always got a rocker switch in his pocket:

The motion of clicking it back and forth is very pleasant to him, and he also likes the feel of the switch's smooth, concave profile and sometimes just runs his thumb along the curve rather than actually clicking the switch over. It's small enough to keep in his pocket or even just hold in his hand while he messes with it, and doesn't attract attention. And most importantly it's not loud. I definitely feel like he's one of those people who would have to be physically restrained from attempting to murder the pen-clicker in the room because it feels like someone stabbing him in the brain with a pencil repeatedly. Bad Noise(tm).

[ina-nis]

I’ve been trying to figure out my progression with this disorder and why things actually took a turn to “worse” despite my efforts at addressing it (through treatment and whatnot).

Over time, socializing started becoming more and more triggering, more exhausting and draining, and I’m at a point where I feel like it’s a waste of time so I stopped bothering.

It never helps that my experiences with other people always end up poorly for me - with the last one being me becoming toxic (because of feeling constantly triggered around a person) after forcing myself for months, and I ended up kicked out of this group of friends, understandably so - I feel like it doesn’t really matter whether it’s online or offline, one is more accessible than the other though, but the experiences and outcomes are the same as always.

My therapist asked what I was feeling during these times when I try socializing, because it being draining and feeling like a waste of time is more of an result, not the cause, and I couldn’t quite pinpoint what... other than it feels dreadful.

It’s a striking paradox, isn’t it? To crave connection, to long for the other; while at the same time, it makes you miserable and it sucks the life out of you. Every encounter you ever had with a stranger is a new possibility for a connection in theory; and yet in practice, it feels like you put on a countdown timer, the connection will never deepen - at least, never in the way you want it to.

I was reading about social anhedonia and, what do you know?! It’s very common in schizophrenia-spectrum disorders. There’s a few studies that classify AvPD as one of them (together with SzPD and StPD), and I believe that’s the case as well.

The dreadful feelings I have when socializing have a lot to do with a lack of interest on interacting, because it’s not pleasurable or fun (anymore) and, most importantly, socializing became more of a hassle and a trigger than anything, there’s high probability of having harmful interactions (and I have these million examples of my own personal experiences to gauge): the perceived rejections, the inability to go deeper than superficial, the lack of interest in pursuing a connection if I cannot sense it will get any further (i.e: no possibility of a romantic mono relationship), and so on.

With social interactions getting to a point where they’re a complete pain in the ass and a meaningless chore, I simply stopped trying... therefore, cementing issues that were already extremely difficult to tackle.

Even with all the good things happening in my life, even with the aid of my longing and the fact that I fall in love easily, it’s not enough to get me to do anything, probably because all these things have to do with me and my relationship with myself, it doesn’t have to involve others directly or indirectly (and very often, it doesn’t).

This feels like something I won’t be able to pull myself out of, considering my attempts in doing so ended up worsening the symptoms instead of helping them.

The irony of it all is the treatment for anhedonia, not surprisingly, being exactly all the things I already do (minus medication), and medication itself being a gamble: it could solve all your problems, it could do nothing, it could make everything worse. I cannot use medication for this considering side effects and a history of treatment-resistance (aka medication made things worse while also causing more problems).

And... again, this is all stuff that I’m “supposed” to do on my own and treat on my own when, I feel like, the whole issue is a lack of a support system, a lack of close relationships, a lack of connection...

I don’t think any treatment is going to work if I remain on my own and I don’t seem to be able to be with others because it’s pointless.

How do I make being around people pleasurable again, how can I make it fun again?

Was socializing ever pleasurable and fun to start with?

What can I do with my brain that perceives every person as “bad company” until proven otherwise, doesn’t give anyone time to prove themselves, and settles for the “comfortable” and familiar pain of loneliness instead?

Is it the sign that I should try letting go finally?

The very thing I crave is a source of dread and discomfort. How messed up, huh?

[dxncingxnmyown]

@classiqcals | Haspira and Jacqueline, Days after Plot Drop 3B, The Singh's Apartments

In an attempt to restore confidence in France, Jacqueline changes tactics. Today, her husband's country did not need a Générale, it needed an Iron Queen. Although she is not what one anticipates from the glamorous nation's Queen, she knows enough of politics to assess the weak spots in France's list of invited nations. And what better place to start, than the very bottom of the invitation list? A last-minute arrival from a backwater nation, with barely a constitution or a notable currency. The weak link. One that, while small, presents a step in the right direction and signals opportunity for Asia's amenability.

She lays in wait at the Singh's sitting room, tea from the South in hand. The delicate notes of cardamom hitting her senses. Elegant and exotic - much like the Princess Haspira of Pakistan. There is a reason she turns to the Princess, rather than the Maharaja. Although there is more in common with the King, what with their shared military service. Every advisor and courtier agrees - Haspira is the brains behind Pakistan's political future.

"Haspira." Jacqueline acknowledges upon the Princess' arrival, taking careful notice of her. She is not Pakistan's Queen, but the role far better suits her than it does the actual Queen of France. It is not only her manner of dress, elegant and regal, but the way she composes herself. Smart elegance and thoughtful planning. Far beyond the plain Jane Queen of France, with scuffs on her shoes and a discomfort in her mourning gowns. "How do you take your tea?" She asks by way of conversation. She is not her husband. Dennis is a talent at making a connection and extolling virtues.

But Jacqueline was running out of time to make a difference, and so directness is the only route she knows.

"I've taken notice to you these past few weeks. Everyone of my courtiers either wants to befriend you, beguile you, or betray you... As well as your young country." She shrugs, pouring her a cup of tea, anyways. "I have a different offer."

[echantedtoon]

Love Doesn't Do Encores Ch38 Life In Spikemuth P2

(Warning: Pearl does attempt to strike the reader but no actual physical contact is made. The Christmas song Piers sings is Sub-Zero WITH LYRICS- Friday Night Funkin' VS Ace Cover(Feat. Kamex) By Juno Songs tho some words have been changed to fit the story narrative. Link to it is below.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1ueQGoK4bc&list=LL&index=63)

Everything in time froze for the both of you that moment.

There you stood frozen as Piers stood above you hands on the wall behind you but not on purpose. After all he did just get thrown forward by someone slamming into him. But your body was frozen, numb as you stood there looking up at him like your eyes turned into those funny googily eye stickers. He did in the same. Seeming in shock, frozen in time as his electric blue eyes stared back in the same state at you. Both mind blanks and bodies not being able to feel anything but neither could tell if that was due to the cold or the fact you two were in more shock than if a pikachu had zapped you. Eventually someone did move. You did. Your brain finally processing what was happening enough for common sense to finally return to your thought process and you took a step back. Freeing your lips from his that was thrown forward from the shove he received his soft bangs that hung off him tickled your cheek as it brushed against it from the moment you stepped back. The action seemed to make himself overcome the shock as well, after a moment righting his weight up and slowly retracting his hands from the wall to rest at the front of his body. 

And you both stared at one another.

And then your brains finally processed what really happened.

The snowflakes and cold air colliding with his face couldn't extinguish the fire that froze in his cheeks as they instantly lit up the bright shade of pink you've ever seen. But it wasn't just his face. His ears and whole face was now a pretty primrose pink instead of the usual pale complexion they were every other time you've seen him. And he suddenly reacted. You jumped when a gloved hand of his slapped over his mouth and his face gained a horrified expression as you just stood there..And your face also heated up.

"...bloody arceus.." He managed to say just barely over a whisper and you barely even heard it past his glove...Before he shot a frown over his shoulder towards the grunt standing there staring with the crowbar in hand. "OI! W-What the bloody heck!?"

"B-Boss! I-I-I- The tool it was stuck! And I couldn't get-.....I-I-It was an accident I swear!"

"Didn't I tell ya NOT ta leave that bloody thing lying around!?," Piers countered back in flustered anger and you finally got enough sense in you to shake your head.

"Wait! Wait!" You waved your arms despite your flustered state still and your face being ten shades of red at the moment. He did stop to look at you so you held up your hands to him. "He's r-right. It was an accident. Don't get mad at him." He stared at you. "P-Please?"

Piers stared at you for a few seconds before he gave a small look of-..Well if you had to guess  what emotion he was giving you you'd call it concerned guilt or something along those lines. He ..very tenderly and slowly held out a hand half way towards you like you'd be spooked away and opened his mouth- But whatever he was going to say was lost to time when a sudden high pitched wail was sent cascading through the frosty air. Your body jumped on reflex and your spooked head twisted around looking for the source of the noise as it echoed through the air catching everyone's attention. It-....It sounded like a pig's squeal on helium combined with a lunatic monkey's wail. Your spooked state combined with your still earlier shock and fluster from happened before made your reflexes slow and you didn't see the furious stopping of heels in snow before your body turned and it all happened so fast you didn't register it for a good moment. You had turned and a blur swiped face near your face, you could barely make out the lavender tip of the blur as your body tumbled backwards. You felt your feet slip on the frost and snow covered ground beneath you and your world tumbled. Your hand shot out to grab something but nothing but the snowflakes still falling was caught within your grip and they couldn't stop you from falling. Your eyes slammed shut ready in impact for the hard ground beneath you..but it never came. On the contrary it was strange. You DID collide with something firm but no where near as hard as the concrete floor of the gym and it was two- no three somethings. Something like a branch catching you around your shoulders and upper back, another similar thing under your legs, and the third was larger..like a wall you were firmly pressed against but..softer somehow. F/c eyes blinked open..but you soon wished you had kept them shut because the sight only sent your face from confused to red faster than a cheetah could run. Because you weren't sprawled out on the floor like some human pancake. Far from it actually. Instead you were held bridal style and against the very man who you had just kis- bumped into was crouched having dove down to catch you- 

...!?

"EEP!!!"

And he didn't give you any warning when all of a sudden you were yanked upwards and held against his chest as he rapidly stood up and backed away from someone else who stepped forward. Protectively squeezing your body with the same gentleness one who give to a beloved partner. Instinctively your hands death gripped the front of said Gym leader's coat as he took a good few steps away from someone who stepped towards you two and someone spoke.

"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!!" 

Someone shrieked something after that that sounded like a pig going 'REEEEE' and it still took your brain a good moment with your eyes were hazy with all the still falling snowflakes,  but you soon made out that familiar fancy coat you've seen a couple times with that familiar silver hair and hazel eyes all shrieking things you couldn't make out sounding like a lunatic's gibberish. It was PEARL! What in Arceus was she doing here? wait...Was she the one who swung at you?! You could've gotten hurt falling! Thank Arceus Piers was able to save...you- Your f/c eyes widened in realization looking between the man and her. Piers was looking between two emotions. Extremely not sure how to take the pig having a tantrum and extremely angry staring at her silently. Your brain might've short circuited again from the fact he was bridal style holding you, but Pearl acting like a pig with rabies who was in a manic episode with hallucinations for the very first time kept you looking at her. What was going on-

A lavender nail pointed at you making you blink. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!" Pearl snarled out finally able to make a coherent sentence. You were surprised that she wasn't foaming at the mouth. "YOU TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME AND NOW YOU WERE ABLE TO SUDUCE HIM!?" ....Wot- "RUBY WOULDN'T HAVE KICKED ME OUT IF YOU HADN'T SHOWED UP!! I SHOULD'VE BEEN THE ONE IN HIS ARMS!! I'M BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY!! I'M A REAL WOMAN!! WHY COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE THAT I DON'T!? WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST APOLOGIZE!?!?"

"Apologize!?" Finally at last your brain kicked back on and you scowled at her. "APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT!? You lying to me for almost two months and making me do all of your work!? Or when you basically said it didn't matter if you kicked Gold or not!?" You leaned forward and Piers had to increase the strength of his grip on you now beginning to struggle to get him to put you down. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!! IF ANYTHING YOU THREATENED TO SUE ME THE FIRST TIME WE EVEN MET!!"

"YOU SMACKED ME!! YOU VICIOUSLY ATTACKED ME LIKE A CRAZY PERSON!!"

"Oh my go- Are you STILL going on about that!? I didn't smack you! I pushed your hand away cuz you stuck it in my face!"

"YOU SEDUCED HIM!! HE'S MINE!! I CALLED DIBS ON HIM FIRST!! HOW COULD HE FALL FOR YOU INSTEAD OF ME!? YOU'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO ME!!"

"Excuse me? Seduce? Seduce who!?" 

Your questions were lost as Pearl. ABSO-FRICKING-LUTELY. LOST. IT. She began a tirade of insults and accusations. Fueled by the Almighty Karen Gods of Entitlement. All the while you could only watch her yell red faced crocodile tears running down her face and frantically waving her arms and stopping her heels against the ground like a grown child. Anything you might've said wasn't even heard by the karen as more and more eyes looked to her. As she continued her rant of being better than you at literally everything from nails to being a better girlfriend for him. And speaking of 'Him'. What 'him' was she talking about? And why was she accusing you of seducing someone? Who? You never flirted with anyone or tried to seduce anyone or even shown any basic romantic interest in anyone. So who was- Reality again smacked you in the smacked you in the face as past convos with Ruby and Piers popped into your head.

"Especially the flirting with my boss."

You were surprised when Piers let his arms flop to his sides and actually groaned. "You can say she a...'fan' o' mine an' not the kind I like."

"Let me guess. Obsessed fangirl who squeals and tries to constantly flirt with you?"

"...How did ya know?"

Ah. Wonderful. She's a karen and a crazy fangirl. "She seems the type. Glad she didn't try to work for you huh?"

"Hol' up!" He stopped you holding up a hand a frown coming to his face. "Pearl told you that?" You nodded. "Y'n, neither o' 'em work the weekends. I should know since it's the only time I can shop at the clothes store without bumpin' into her."

"You're always trying to flirt with my boss when I'm trying to work making me look bad!"

....Your eyes went wide. ...And then you snapped up to Piers who looks absolutely lost seeing the womanchild in front of him throwing a fit. And you looked at your hands still clutching the front of his coat. And the way he was holding you close. And your face again reddened remembering the fact he was accidentally thrown forward and accidentally kis- bumped into your face. And Pearl must've seen the accident happen. 

Which means she thought you two kissed-

"THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!" You shouted not that she paid attention still going on a rant as you looked mortified and red faced. But Piers did jump looking at you. "I-I w-wasn't seducing him!" She finally stopped looking at you as mascara and crocodile tears ran down her face scowling. "It was an ACCIDENT!!" You stressed to her. Wriggling your body enough to finally get Piers to put you down despite his silent protests and brushing snowflakes off you. "He was pushed into me and tripped! If you had stopped to actually listen I could've told you that instead of going off like a crazy person! WHAT IS YOUR DEAL ANYWAYS!? I LITERALLY DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO YOU!?"

"YOU DID EVERYTHING TO ME!! I SHOULD'VE NEVER LET RUBY LET YOU MOVE IN-"

She made a move as if to walk towards you but something blocked your way. Someone had grabbed the back of your coat and quickly yanked you behind them as a body wedged themselves between you and Pearl. And there was an eerie silence as a menacing aura made itself present. You blinked as Piers's tall form blocked your view from Pearl and he quietly looked down at her. You didn't see it, but when Pearl looked at his face..The way his eyes gave some kind of unknown primal fury in him. She paled so much she might've genuinely fainted if she wasn't alone.

"....Stop it." You blinked at the low tone that emanated from the man in front of you. Now Piers had a deep voice to begin with. One of the nice ones that wasn't too high or low pitched just right. Made it so he could sing most common notes and you suspected that's helped him with his singing career, but the voice that just spoke...That was not Piers. That was a warning speaking in his place. "She's a better person than you riskin' 'er own life ta make sure the ones she cared about were safe or even jus' happy even if it meant she was hurt 'n the process. She's dropped everything jus' for the sake of makin' sure Galar hadn't fallen inta the hands o' maniacs who'd send us back to the dark ages and you have the nerve ta complain over nothing?"

There was no answer. You leaned to look around Piers to gaze at Pearl and what you saw what wasn't you were expecting at all. Pearl had black streaks down her cheeks from her crocodile tears mixing with her mascara completely ruining her make up but what made you pause was that she wasn't looking at Piers anymore. She was looking at YOU with a dawn of realization coming over her. 

"....You're the Y/n from the books." 

And you made a blank face at her. Book? What books? What the heck was she still going on about? Did her crazy finally reach a new peak? Neither of you had time to answer that question before Piers took a small step towards her making her shoot her head back up to him.

"Come New Years. LEAVE Spikemuth. I don't want to see your face harassin' people around here ever again. Now get off my stadium's floor."

Pearl still stared at him for the longest moment then cast one last look to you before turning tail and scampering away like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. Everyone watching silently as her fleeing form soon disappeared between the falling snowflakes...and it was still dead quiet as everyone stood there. No one moving until Piers's head turned and he looked down at you.

"Are you alright?"

The question actually made you jump and blink at him dumbly for a moment but you nodded. "Uh...Y-Yeah. I wasn't expecting-.." Your head turned back to where Pearl disappeared. "...That."

"Yeah. Well she's gone now. M' gonna make sure Ruby hears about this. That bloody noisy nickit's been causin' trouble for far too long. ..." You flinched at a feeling and when you looked back to him you were met with a sight you weren't prepared for. Hands. Soft hands. Gently grabbing your cheeks and Piers's hard gaze quickly melting into one of concern as his eyes softened for you. And ONLY you. In that moment. His hands were surprisingly smooth to the touch, as well as a mixture of hot and cold from both his body heat and the fact he had been out in the cold for a long while. "She didn't manage to hurt ya did she?"

You felt your cheeks flush a warm red under his gentle touch before you cleared your throat. Taking a step back and removing yourself from his grip with your eyes turned to the side. "Um..Y-Yeah. I'm f-fine.  She didn't hurt m-me thanks to you."

"Um...Y-Yeah. I just..did what I had to do."

"Y-Yeah. Thanks for that." 

More awkward silence followed as you avoided eye contact. 

" ...*ahem* W-Well I c-can see that you're p-pretty busy." You scooted back a little bit taking a step back and gesturing off. "I uh...I'm going to go finish my walk and head back home before Silver starts to worry about me and w-warm up. I-It's getting cold."

"Oh..R-Right. You uh want me ta walk ya back home?"

You waved him off turning on your heel avoiding eye contact. "N-No need. I-I'm fine! Y-You go ahead and finish your duties."

"Are you sure?"

You nodded your head. "Yep! Would you look at the time? I gotta go. Bye Piers!"

And with that you quickened your face and started walking away. FAST. And Piers stood there with his arm extended for a moment watching you go until you also disappeared between the snowflakes. After more silent moments Piers slowly lowered his arm and turned his head to the other grunts still staring at him.

"Well? What are ya blokes waitin' for? Let's move it people! We have a schedule ta keep if we're gonna put all this together by Christmas."

You had ran all the way home and spent the rest of your day red faced and curled up in your sleeping bag because..because..YOU HAD KISSED HIM!! PIERS!! AND HE HAD KISSED YOU- No. Well ok. Maybe 'kiss' wasn't the right word. Because that technically wasn't a kiss. Piers was just pushed into you and you two had hit your faces together. It was an accident. It wasn't something you two had planned to do. It'd be no different than if you had had just bumped into his side or stepped on his foot! And yet...you couldn't get the soft feeling out of your head. Which resulted in you screaming into your pillow flustered and somehow managing to fall asleep that night. You never saw Ruby and Pearl fighting, but you sure heard it. It was muffled and you couldn't make out what they were yelling at one another. From then on you didn't see much of Pearl at all and noticed that Ruby did seem very, very irritated. When you asked about it she only gave you one assuring line.

"Don't worry about it. I talked to her and you won't have to worry about her anymore."

And that was it. It was all taken cared of because the few times you had seen Pearl in the following days she looked too ashamed and seemed to just be constantly packing. Good riddance. You however were..distracted. You tried to bury yourself into your work going in and working hard at the cafe and helping Ruby around the house and taking care of Silver and your other pokemon. But nothing worked. Your mind kept wondering back to that (kiss-) accident and how Piers had looked at you. And then your face would heat up and your brain would short circuit for a while until you could pull yourself together. Not to mention it didn't help whenever you saw Piers or accidentally ran into him where your face would obviously heat up red until you made an excuse to get away and flee. It was humiliating! And it was starting to get annoying to you but you couldn't find it in yourself to really go and confront Piers about it or how you were feeling anyways. ..Until he didn't let you. It was a day or two before Christmas actually, and you of course was working the front counter behind the register doing your usual deal of taking orders and keeping up the front shop when a tall man with black and white hair came walking in. The bell dinged. You looked up. And you froze in shock when Piers himself came walking in. The man didn't even give you time to talk before he just waltzed up to the counter and stared at you.

"I know you've been avoiding me," he spoke and your draw dropped- He held up a hand. "Please let me finish. ...It's cuz o' what happened last week with Pearl right?" You still didn't answer but felt a little pink rise up to your cheeks. "I jus' wanted to let ya know that I don't blame ya for what happened an' you shouldn't have to be made to feel guilty 'bout it either. What happened between us was an accident. That's jus' it. An' don't worry 'bout Pearl either. Her crazy tantrum wasn't your fault either. So...think we can put this behind us and be friends again?"

You continued to stare at him more until an unspoken relief fell over you because..well it was shocker Piers was able to read you like a book so well but also because he had outright cleared the air between you two and shooed away any worries. 

"I-....*sigh* Y-Yeah. I guess things might've been a little awkw-ward." the image of you two came back but you firmly stomped down that memory better now that Piers was here. He was right. That was just it. An accident. "But I-It's nothing now. Um. D-Did you wanna order something while you're here?"

"Yeah. Coffee if you got any. This plannin' is killing me....Are ya still coming?"

"What? Of course I am!" You smiled brightly as if the thought of spending more time with Piers didn't already make you feel giddy. "Why wouldn't I spend the holidays with a friend?"

...Piers smiled. "Yeah. I'm hopin' ta see you there."

Safe to say you did feel better for the next few days. Thanks to Piers assurances. And then finally the festive day came. CHRISTMAS! The most wonderful time of the year! And it certainly looked and felt like it too. Piers's grunts did well. Gold and red streamers hung around every lamp post you passed and that wasn't counting all the lit decor on the houses and the displays in store windows when you passed. Along with the snow all around you and random snowmen built everywhere it really felt like a perfect Christmas. And the gym was even more perfect. You could see it from far away. You left Ruby's house around noon wanting to get some shopping done and had walked your small herd of shinies down the road and back looking through the store windows until something caught your eye in one of the windows that had made you stop...And you smiled. Come nightfall you had made it back home and made sure everyone settled and a few minutes later you left back out of the house with a small wrapped box in hand. Down the street with snow crunching under your feet as you walked. It was easy to spot the gym, considering there was a MASSIVE tree littered in sparkly ornaments and a star on top right in front of it. It lit up the night along with loads of fairy lights set up for decoration and lots of people of all ages were already gathered in front as well. They seemed to mostly all be facing one direction and you didn't need to wonder why when a beautiful voice made it's way over the snow and cold air.

"As the flurries dance beneath the light of the streets footsteps forge through the sleet.~ Every lil' sensation is the palette of Spikemuth.~ Complex and sweet.~ I should thank you for induligin' me in the sound of the memories I've found.~ The excitement to share this slice of life through music.~ Now hear the beat.~"

The closer you got you were able to smell something. A LOT of somethings. And it smelt delicious. A mixture of all different kinds of Christmas-y foods. Roast. Fruit cake. Sugar plums. Cookies. Hot coco. Mint candies. Eggnog. And a few other things you couldn't quite place but smelt delicious anyways. Were they coming from the gym too?

"Frost forms.~ The fractals paint the windows that peer at good days gone by back when Spring was here.~ A symphony of the urbon rockstar who treasures the songs we share and good times we revere.~ Your voice makes it's mark in frozen cement.~ Our little concert's another peace of Spikemuth.~ T'was so when we met our eyes and as the skies turn gray I'll recall what we played.~ Happy to take a new friend as my prize.~"

When you finally got close enough to actually merge with the crowd your legs nudged you through the crowd and you found yourself pushed to stand in front of the giant Christmas tree. Where tens of presents of all sizes were stacked under it wrapped in shiny wrapping paper and pretty bows. A pretty sight to be sure but this wasn't where you were heading. Turning back around, you pushed back through the crowd towards the stage inside the stadium.

"Oh.~ Snow fall-ing.~ Wind swirling through the city.~ Temperatures falling far below the line of freezing as people chat over coffee.~ Underground trains bringin' folks back home.~ Between walls built up from concrete there's a comfort in the sights, smells, and sounds that I know.~ Wyn-don Ci-ty might be chill-ly.~ Win-ter storm-ing.~My home come-ing!~"

You finally made your way in where there was a little more room thanks to the gym's giant open space for pokemon battles. It was also decorated in colorful Christmas colored streamers and lights. You also found out what the smells were seeing a huge buffet table off to one side FILLED with food of all kinds that made your stomach growl just looking at it. Good thing Silver didn't come or else you'd have to watch him all night to keep him from eating all of it. But what really caught your attention was the rocker up on the stage as  Piers continued to sing. Ah. Just the man you were looking for. He didn't look too decked out. Just in the same attire and wearing that long coat of his.

"Shining through the gray and cold are memories.~ Stories to be told.~ Sounds familiar.~ Oh do you hear?~ Warmth in weather below sub zero.~ Listen to the rhythm of all the folks' hearts.~ Memories freeze past in time to share with friends.~ The ones that shine and ones encountered every day.~ And even though pure chance is the reason for our rendezvous.~ I'm glad to share melody of home with you!~" Along with the end of the song there came a round of applause from the audience as he took a small bow and wave. "Thank you!" He spoke into the microphone. "Thanks everyone for comin' out tonight. Means a lot as gym leader ta see my community come together so well on a special holiday. We still have a few more activities planned 'fore we do the gift givin' so please feel free to grab some grub and mingle til then." You still stood there and waited even after the small crowd dispersed towards the table and Piers turned to walk down the small stage steps-..And blinked when he noticed you standing right there smiling at him gift box in hand. "....Y/n?"

You chuckled at his dumbstruck like expression. "Merry Christmas, Piers."

"...You actually came?..Uh I mean!" He coughed and a hand reached up to grab onto the choker around his neck. "*ahem* You kept you're word. I'm happy ta see ya."

You again smiled and again that warm feeling bubbled up in you again. "I'm glad too. Oh. Here." You held up the package making him blink. "I got you something. A small thanks for helping me out so much."

There was a silence between you two as the air was filled with other peoples' chatter and light Christmas playing from a few speakers as electric blue eyes stared at the shiny white box tied together with a glittery black ribbon. It looked so simple and yet so pretty. And color coded to his usual theme minus the hot pink of course but maybe that was just on the outside of the box. And you had gotten that? For him? Why? His eyes looked almost lost between you and the gift which did make you wonder if something was wrong for a moment but Piers silenced those thoughts when he reached out his hands and slowly ever so gently took the box away from you and in his own hands still staring wide eyed at it. Like it was the very first time he had ever gotten a gift before.

"For..me?," he asked looking at you again as if to make sure he heard you right. When you nodded he silently looked back to the gift. "...Thank you. But I can't open this."

You frowned. "Why? What's wrong? Did you not want anyone to buy you something?"  

"Wha- N-No, no, no! Not that. I-It's not time for gift givin' yet. It'd be unfair ta everyone else if I opened one early. 'Specially to the lil ones and Marnie."

"Oh.." You hand pointed back towards the tree. "Then do you wanna come with me and put it back under the tree?"

He looked up surprised. "Together? UH! I m-mean sure!" He cleared his throat again sinking further into his coat's hood. "That'd be the responsible thing to do."

You smiled again. Red rushed to his face when you gently grabbed at his arm and pulled him towards the direction of the giant tree outside and for some reason he couldn't fathom he didn't stop you. Blue eyes could only gaze at you and your perfect face. Your face lightly cupping your face just the right way. The frost that had caught onto your lashes twinkling in the lights like little stars orbiting your beautiful f/c eyes which was as reflective as mirrors and just as shiny. Your cheeks a beautiful shade not unlike a sweet rose. But eventually electric blue eyes gazed towards your lips. Curled up in a smile, and a pink not unlike a pecha berry and maybe just as sweet if he was honest. The punk nearly ran into your body when you stopped in front of the tree the lights shining on you just the right way to give him the impression you were an angel. A sight he was hesitant to leave when he bent down to carefully place your gift  down with the other beautiful ones as it too shined under the lights before he stood back up to look at you again. Huh. And you were both closer than he remembered. Just a few inches from one another twinkling under the lights. And you blinked at the sudden closeness too. Face going a dim pink and a few chuckles from the moment escaping you. Barely anyone was outside now, too busy inside mingling, eating the food, and enjoying the party. So it was just you two. Alone out here with nothing but each other for company. His mind felt completely blank and numb but in a good way, compelling him to reach his hands up and cup a cheek of yours something his rational brain wouldn't allow himself to do. Inches away now. You didn't move away.

He stared at the woman in front of him, this silly silly woman with the beautifully flowing hair and the cute smile. If he was watching this as an outsider, he would've laughed at how they were literally just strangers less than a while ago, but right now it didn't seem any of that or anything else mattered. Not even the topic they had been discussing just a few seconds ago. The wind blew some more rustling the snowflakes and driving the intoxicating sweet scents from the banquet around them more. And blowing some of that pretty hair into his face, which he immediately reached to pull away and Piers made no move to stop him from doing that. Or removing the hand that now cupped his cheek. Maybe it really was a mutual madness they both shared or some form of chaos in their lives, but right now....With them being so close...And so vulnerable. It was only natural of course-.. It's what soulmates do-.. Of course they would since-...

They kissed.

Or you would've. Your lips just pressed for a few wonderful seconds before Piers suddenly yanked himself away with a scrunched look and his eyes clamped shut. And your body froze as he pulled himself away twisting his body to you and slapped a hand over his mouth. ..Like he was going to be sick. You stood there for a moment blinking at his back towards you as the cold wind blew on you in the dim lights.

"..I-...I-I'm sorry," he managed to croak out finally as if he had a hard time saying it. "But I-..." If you had been able to see his face, you would've seen him suck in a shaking breath as if trying not to cry. "But I think I jus' wanna remain friends."

There was silence in the cold air and the longer you stood there. And Piers felt his eyes widen at your silence. His stomach did a flip flop. He couldn't look- And then his body jumped as something soft but firm grabbed his shoulder making his body flinch and his head turn to you with wide eyes, which only became wider seeing your understanding smile.

"Hey. Don't worry about it. It's fine dude," you assured him, "I love being your friend. And if you still wanna be friends then what do I have to complain about?'' He stared at you for a long moment before his whole body just deflated like a balloon. His arms going limp like some unspoken weight was just lifted from his shoulders. You nodded your head back towards the party. "C'mon. I think there's still a cup of hot coco with your name on it."

"Uh y-yeah. That'd be great."

[realcourtneycit]

what are your honest opinions on ALL the gen 1 cast? Like obvs Courtney is queen but what abt the lesser beings

Ha, thank you! I’ll give my opinions here…let’s hope they don’t find this.

Lindsey: We don’t really have much in common, she’s nice enough generally but I can’t have her near me on the show. Realistically, if it wasn’t for Heather, she’d have gone home way earlier. At least she wasn’t on my team.

Heather: Honestly, I respect her. I can’t really agree with her means, I’m not one for blackmail, but her drive to win is admirable. Also, I’ve got to thank her properly for comforting me after Duncan and I’s breakup.

Betsy: Her braces lisp was seriously annoying while filming. And her in general. I’m just glad she wasn’t on the Killer Bass.

Duncan: Ugh. Don’t even get me started on that grubby excuse for a man. I mean, ugh. I honestly thought we were okay together…but I guess not. Whatever.

Leshawna: I like her. Sorry about accidentally voting you out, I guess that makes two of us that were unfairly kicked off the show.

Owen: Genuinely just disgusting. And didn’t even try for half the challenges. I mean, how does someone like that even make it to the finals? Ugh.

Izzy: Honestly, she’s really weird, but that’s about all I have to say about her. At least she actually attempts challenges, unlike other contestants. Not sure about her taste in men though…ew.

Trent: Nothing to say really, I don’t really have an opinion. He’s pretty average, and we didn’t speak much. Has a horrible taste in women.

Cody: He’s pretty nice, actually. One of the few people that weren’t insane on the season. Although maybe he is a little insane to like Gwen…

Noah: At least he has brains, although he could do with a little less sarcasm…

Jeff: Not really my sort of person, but he’s nice. He invited most of the cast to a party after the show ended. I didn’t go. Too awkward.

Bridgette: She’s quite nice, we get on alright, but I still haven’t forgotten her being responsible for breaking my violin. I miss playing…

Kadie & Sadie: I feel the same about both of them, which is general annoyance. Although without them, I guess I wouldn’t have gotten closer with Duncan. Weird.

Tyler: He’s sweet, a bit clueless though. You can’t really hate anyone who’s so earnest though.

DJ: He’s a really lovely guy, I enjoy spending time with him. It would be nicer if he had a bit more of a backbone though…

Harold: Oh my god. I have nothing to say except I HATE him. His micro ego made me lose the win! Ugh. What a loser.

Ezikiel: He’s honest just weird…I don’t like to speak to him.

Gwen: The fakest ‘nice’ goth you’ll ever meet. With the ugliest fashion sense too. I don’t even want to speak about her, really.

Justin: He’s alright. Great to look at. We only really started speaking more after my return in Action though. He’s a very lovely Prince Charming :)

Ava: Anger issues much? Try therapy.

[khamomile-kitty]

Long ass rant abt tumblr under the cut lmao I’m feeling pissy and I need to get this out

Deadass thinking abt just. Filing away or screenshotting anything important in my blog (likes, reblogs, etc) and then just. Deleting and never coming back lmao. Staff are clearly so far up their own ass they make a donut and I think the only way to get their head back out is to blow their brains out tbh. I mean they are racists, terfs/transphobes, amd neo nazis (or at the very least do nothing to stop them, and well. You know what they say abt sitting at a table w a hate group.)

Amd then there’s the issue that even if they were none of that, they run the site like children. Constant tantrums when they don’t get 100% overwhelmingly positive feedback, outright ignoring or hiding critique of any kind, and make constant little “non-updates” to give the impression of progress when all they’re doing is the equivalent of a kid pretending to clean up their room by picking and putting down a toy and squeaking floorboards when they think mom’s listening.

Like idk who told these guys that trying to make a “cool guy” persona and attempting to facilitate a parasocial relationship w their userbase meant that they were gonna unconditionally get the entire site to turn into yes men to slobber all over every stolen merch drop isn’t gonna work the way they want it to. They SUPPOSEDLY run a professional social media company, there’s gonna be ppl not satisfied with crumbs. And there’s gonna be ppl who are rude abt it or aren’t happy no matter what! It’s a fucking huge website that’s just gonna happen! Taking those criticisms personally and shutting down is a sure sign that they cannot run a large platform effectively At All. Part of being able to run a social media website is being able to accurately sort through feedback to find major issues, and prioritize fixing them from order of importance and feasibility. For example. Getting a bunch of complaints that you have, idk, a huge and thriving nazi community on the site that openly targets ppl? Set that on number 1 priority and get to work updating site policy and community guidelines to clearly reflect that they are not welcome here, and set a team of moderators (who should have already been alerted to the issue) to crack down on deleting and banning blogs that align or display with that shit. (There is the company issue of making sure that the moderation team has sufficient support for all the horrible shit they’ll have to sift through, compensating w company paid for mental health services available during all work hours. But tbh, every single social media site needs to do this. Moderation is exhausting and can be traumatizing. Make sure to make those conditions clear, and to hire enough moderators that no team has to work on sorting through heinous, traumatizing shit for more than they should.) Get a a bunch of complaints that the search bar is a few inches lower than it was last update and it’s throwing them off? Set that priority lower, but communicate clearly in update logs that it is low on priority lists for now, and not to expect an immediate change. I could give at least 100 more “hypothetical” issues and how to at least give the bare minimum at dealing with them. Getting complaints that the new ads are seizure hazards? Prioritize high. Getting complaints that ppl would like the ability to have animated blog backgrounds? Prioritize lower. Experimental or new features can begin to be implemented when there isn’t a leaning tower of stinking shit threatening to rot the website from the ground out. Hire enough ppl to be able separate significant work into teams; new features and bug fixes team, moderation team, networking team, etc. I’m sure if they read this they’d have a thousand excuses for why they don’t do this, but I highly, highly doubt any of them actually hold up. The fact is that it’s common sense, and Tumblr seems to exclusively hire ppl who don’t have that. And sadly, there’s no fucking fix for stupid. And I’d rather not be caught off guard when this place inevitably goes up in flames and eats it’s own code like an ouroboros snake.

[fursasaida]

as my cognitive capacities have improved somewhat (certainly not back to baseline), i have noticed i have a specific issue with typing. namely, i occasionally type (approximate) homonyms of what i intended. “here” instead of “year.” “must of” instead of “must’ve.” “concept” instead of “context.” things like that. doesn’t happen that often, but it never used to happen at all.

i assume this is plain old brain damage? since it happens whether i’m feeling symptoms of a lack of perfusion or not. (doesn’t mean it’s not reversible, and if it isn’t it’s hardly catastrophic.) but anyway i feel like it’s giving me some insight into one of the common kinds of mistakes people make. i was never particularly high-horsed about this sort of thing, but it was something that i simply did not do. whatever it is did not “happen” to me. so while i could certainly infer that such errors were based on sound more than sense, and have some kind of abstract sympathy for or acceptance of that, i couldn’t really imagine how it could actually happen. like. those just are two different words. in my world there was no possibility of confusing them. but here these swaps are, just popping out.

i don’t know if this means that i’m sort of talking to myself as i write more than i used to, and transcribing the “sound” from the inside of my head to the page? is that what causes this?

i used to be very doubtful about the notion of “internal monologue,” at least as a literal proposition, because as i perceived it i only really thought in words if i was working really hard at figuring something out, or at phrasing something. or like, actively telling myself to do something in a poor-executive-function situation, which i suppose is also an attempt to concentrate and also hard work. otherwise it was just...intuitions? connections happening? more abstract than words. presumably this is why i’ve generally had to write my way through things to think them out: the ideas don’t get crystallized enough without being put into words, and the main way to make that happen was to write it down unless i was focusing really hard on some small piece in particular. (also because i will not remember whatever i thought of otherwise.) this would probably all track with how regular to-do-listing became very important to me in the last few years.

so maybe what’s happening now is that abstraction is much harder than it used to be (had to take a four hour nap after answering a question about my dissertation at dinner), so instead everything is being channeled into something like “internal monologue,” and that creates more opportunities for this kind of sound-swap. is that how some other people “normally” think, like all the time? is that what’s meant by internal monologue?

(I suppose this might mean in fact *not* brain damage per se but an artifact of stress. I dunno. I'm not a neurologist.)

[paradoxengine]

This is nothing serious, but I've been wondering (just out of amused curiosity) for a while now if anyone knew or suspected I was trans before I did. I genuinely have no idea if it ended up being like a shock to people or if everyone internally was just like "about fucking time".

I've also been thinking about the timeline of it all. It of course doesn't actually matter or even necessarily make sense to attempt to pinpoint a specific time or event but its fun to try. Like I can see on January 23rd 2023 I added as tags to a post " I like to think of dnd as a gender free trial I sample every Saturday " and like 1. I was incredibly correct for this and 2. I think after this there starts to be a way more notable uptick in trans and queer related posts. Like I think by that point I somewhat knew and I was more or less on board. But could a historian or anthropologist going through my archive in chronological order come to a similar conclusion at an even earlier date?

It's also fun to look back at things that happened or that I did in retrospect through this lens. Like I'm pretty sure my awakening moment was when my friend showed me/told me about F1nn5ter. I cannot stress enough how much that like, altered my brain and my thinking processes. Like I think literally the moment I left that Discord call I looked up how he could look like that and I remember also being so amazed that breastforms were like, a thing that actually existed that you could buy and wear. I'm not sure if she realizes this and I suppose with how big F1nn5ter got I would've heard of him eventually but like honestly my friend did kinda just blast me with transgender beam with that lol.

But I'm also trying to think like, were there dominos that fell before that. Like when I bought butt-lifting jeans from Rainbow because I wanted my ass to look nicer, should that have alerted me? Or when the first female D&D character I made for a One-Shot was far and away my favorite and one of the few I actually wanted to keep on playing as. Was being told that I was an honorary member of the girls* of my friend group have an effect on me? There was a part of me in college that would hope reincarnation was real so I could live my next life as a girl and I truly did not examine these thoughts any further, partially because I didn't even think they could be examined further at the time. I could maybe give more examples spanning further and further back but if anyone is actually reading this you get the picture. I suppose the reason this line of thinking interests me is because I don't think I was born a girl if I'm being honest. I think high school me and college me and even me of just two years ago was a guy. But I view my transition as a series of actions and decisions I've made to get where I am now. And while many of those actions and decisions over the past 20 months or so have been very intentional, I wonder about the actions I've taken and the decisions I've made that were leading me down this path without me even realizing it. Because while the version of me that was a boy is dead, he's still with me in a way, he and I do still have a lot in common. We like the same shows and games, we both love our friends, we both have the same ridiculous sense of humor. So that makes me wonder how much of the me I am now was in the me that I used to be.

[novinare]

A BUNCH OF LITTLE SINDAY HEADCANONS!

(tw for non-graphic mentions of sexual assault)

• ASMODEUS is the Prince of Lust. People having a good time, and feeling amazing, and gleefully indulging in their hedonism. He has no patience for any kind of sexual assault. At all. That all falls under Satan's wrathful domain, and it annoys them both to no end that people keep getting it wrong!

• CALLIOPE used to love inspiring mortal writers who wrote erotica. It was beautiful watching them own their own fantasies, and the delight they found in putting them down on paper.

But after her imprisonment and repeated assault at the hands of Erasmus Fry, and later Richard Madoc, she stopped inspiring those kinds of writings. People could still write erotica-- people are wonderfully creative, and most of them don't need her help! Which is for the best, because it feels like that was stolen from her. And she can't inspire something she can't feel.

• DEATH very rarely gets to indulge in her sensual side. She has too much work, and there's not enough time, and -- oh yes, the fact that she can't touch mortals without them dying makes things even more complicated! Of course, she could have a fling with most immortals, but honestly... Given the choice between a good bath and a few extra hours or sleep, or dealing with some immortal's fragile ego? She's taking the bath!

• EAMES has had sex in dreams... A lot. Sometimes using his own body, sometimes to get into the headspace and physicality of someone he's Forging, and sometimes because it's fun and the opportunity presented itself! He figures, if he's going to be a Somnacin addict until his brain dribbles out his ears, he might as well enjoy the ride!

• For the most part, ELON SPENGLER forgets that sex is something people actually do, and not just an occasionally relevant anthropological data point. He's spectacularly oblivious to people flirting with him, his own touch-starvation, and the fact that man cannot live on Twinkies and work forever (despite his very best attempts)!

Good luck and godspeed to anyone trying to seduce him, you'll need all the help you can get! (Be blunt... very blunt... Potentially with a graph or chart outlining why sleeping with you is a good idea!)

• EMILY has never had sex, with anyone. She's not entirely sure how it works, or why people seem to enjoy it so much; but even in Heaven it seems to be a very human preoccupation! Like other angels, divine or Fallen, she doesn't technically have any of the required bits and pieces to had sex. At least, not unless she makes an Effort. And maybe some day she will, but for the moment, Emily finds it all quite baffling.

• HERMIONE GRANGER'S first was Ron Weasley, and it was a complete disaster. Neither of them really knew what they were doing, and he got very angry and sulky when she didn't respond the way he'd hoped. In retrospect, she supposes she should have seen the red flags then, but she didn't. Either way, it was a memorable experience, but not in a good way!

• MOLLY SALVATORE knows a lot about sex, and very good at offering advice and answering questions about it, even if she doesn't have a ton of first-hand experience. You don't get to have a twin like Angel without picking up a few things, and learning not to be squeamish about what people do in their bedrooms! She insist that most of it is common sense (unfortunately, the 'common' is so common!)

• MOLLY HOOPER started anonymously running a sex toy review blog when she was in university. It was fun, and liberating, and filled with the kind of cheeky comments she'd never be brave enough to say in person. Over the years she developed quite the following, though none of them know that Mouse is actually a morgue pathologist!

• NINA ZENIK has a complicated relationship with sex. On one hand, she loves the hedonism of it; but on the other, the government sold her virginity in an attempt to steal information from a Zemeni trader. She's very good at playing a seductress, when she wants to (Heartrender powers are very useful for that!) but it always tastes a bit bitter.

[veebs-hates-video-games]

I was expecting to try to figure out what to say about The House in Fata Morgana today because I finally made it through it after basically an entire year (which is still pretty impressive for me considering the best estimates I could find for it's length are in the 300-400k words range, and there are entire years where I don't even read 100k words total combined across everything), but instead I was tired and couldn't get my brain to focus on any of the things I wanted to.

Solution? Play Unpacking instead.

Unpacking is now easily in my top five games I've played this year and also unexpectedly the saddest game I've played this year. No seriously, let me explain.

There have been plenty of other games or moments in them that I had strong feelings about or that made me cry. Unpacking didn't, but it did make me feel something totally different from what anything else has this year: strongly relating to a fictional character (which is a neat trick because you never meet her or are told anything about her other than the contents of the boxes she packs when she moves) and feeling happy for the progress she makes through different stages of her life, but also simultaneously an overwhelming sense of having lost something I probably never could've had in the first place and nostalgia for things that were never real.

At first it was just fun seeing what would come out of the boxes next and rearranging things in ways that made more sense or looked better, and I was impressed by how much of a story they were able to tell with no dialogue and technically not even any characters other than the ones implied by the environment. Just through the environment and gameplay they got me to feel so sorry for her moving in with that guy, like look how much of yourself you had to leave behind to try to fit yourself in somewhere that hardly has anything in common with you and doesn't want to make space for you. And I can't say I ever expected a game to capture the feeling of "crap, I hope this drawer is big enough to fit all my bras in", but here we are.

But here's some context I guess. I'm fairly close in age to the main character. A few years older, but similar enough to know and remember the same kinds of things from around the same ages. It starts out similar enough that I can relate all of it to my own experiences or my friends at the time. Sure I never lived in a dorm because I was too busy dropping out of school for various reasons, but I spent plenty of time in my friends', and then everything got back on track with the shared apartment with friends. Look at all the fun people you've found who share your interests! I could've been happy with something like that for the rest of my life.

I skipped the moving in with some guy (or person of any other gender) phase entirely though and went directly to moving back in with my parents, and that's what most of my life has consisted of. The apartment living on her own actually reminded me of my most recent attempt to live away from home a few years ago, even though that was with other people. It was amazing in some ways and terrible in others. For all practical purposes I started the pandemic with three particularly close friendships/relationships and "ended" it (as if it's actually over) with zero and a lot of things a lot more difficult for all of us. But in the game I see that table up against the brick wall in the kitchen with a menorah on it, and...yeah.

And for me that's functionally where my life ended in a lot of ways, going back to my parents' house yet again after that with my health continuing to decline at worst and not improve at best.

But the game keeps going, through more stages of life I've never really made it to and probably never will. Not in that way. Is that even what I would want from my life if it were an option? At one point I thought so and expected that to be what would happen, but even if I might want something different now it would be nice for a change to not do something because I choose not to, not because the choice has already been made for me by my circumstances.

Great game though, but I'm going to go be existentially sad for a while about the consequences of being disabled in a society that doesn't care what happens to me as long as they don't have to see it.