#and how much a breakup would help at this stage. would people quickly forget?

[taylorrepdetective]

It’s been very interesting to see how this is slowly being picked up in the mainstream media. No one outside the fandom really cared when it was him just being reported as a creepy, misguided edgelord. Then once the porn stuff went around, more people got upset within the fandom, Buzzfeed picked it up and it made it into a few other semi-mainstream publications, like Insider. Black Twitter picked up on it and it spread. But still, no significant impact in the general public. And just when it felt like she might have been winning the PR war with her concerts last weekend and him not being seen, as well as her gaining sympathy because of the crazy crowds, she brought him out again and it picked up again just in time for her to include Ice Spice in the mess, and now it’s in the Washington Post. Regardless, everyone will be watching and listening tonight to see what the fuss is about and I have yet to see any sign of a dent in sales/streams/ticket prices (they keep going up), but I do wonder about that cash grab purple swirl vinyl they put out the other day and how that sold. As well as speak now preorder cancellations. Because those are bought by the die hard fans and that would give them a really good datapoint to see any actual effects from all this, beyond people yelling into the void.

[fernsam]

Break Up Playlist

Sitting with a tub of ice cream and having mascara run down my face is what I always pictured what it feels like to break up as a kid. I thought it was just sadness and crying. Later on, I learned that it is not that simple. It's a weird feeling. It’s messy and confusing, but it’s usually necessary. My friend just got out of a relationship and I kept reassuring her that everything would be okay. She responded that she knows she will be okay but doesn't feel okay. None of my words could really reassure her, so I made this playlist to just help her go through the feels. I will look at heartbreak from a psychological perspective and categorize the songs into the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

Denial:

The first song on my playlist is Step On Me by The Cardigans. Even though this is not a breakup song, I wanted to add it because it shows the effect of being in a relationship. Relationships are very codependent and breaking up feels like the end of something so natural. Denial is all about sock and fear and everything you were used to about the world has suddenly changed. Step On Me stays in that past world and insists that they don’t mind that they’re heart is being broken. In this verse, she sings: “Oh, I think you're holding the heart of mine (my heart is yours), squeeze it apart, that's fine.” Although the lyrics to this song are very simple, it shows how even though someone is breaking your heart, love makes things much more complex. 

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? by Tyler the Creator is a song about denial. Even though they have broken up, Tyler still poses the question if they can be friends. Like Step On Me, it shows how hard it is to let someone go, especially in the beginning. Interestingly enough, even though the breakup happened in the middle of the album, this song is the last song on the album. That shows that denial can happen at any time and the emotion in this song is insane. Again, the lyrics aren’t too complicated, but the way he basically begs to still be friends makes it so heartbreaking. The “i don't want to add this season on a bad episode” ties into the idea that breakups are hard to just “get over”. Even though this is the first stage, I feel that people forget that some things need time and it’s okay to address the “unwanted” feelings.

Anger: 

Listening to Happier Then Ever for the first time made me think that this was the typical sad song. The soft singing, the ukele, the slow pace. I’m not usually a huge fan of Billie Elish, but I love the transition from the typicall sad break up song to the pop-rock genre. The sudden shift  using the guitar and singing “i’d never treat me this shitty” shows how quickly emotions can change. The lyrics are really impactful and even though it doesn’t sound like a typical angry song, you can hear from her voice and the instruments that she feels frustrated. What I really like is that the whole time she keeps her cool while delivering low blows to her ex. Especially her last line, where she is just screaming “Just fucking leave me alone.”  

Similar to Happier Then Ever, Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo is sung very softly. Through her lyrics, however, you can see the metaphor of how she compares her ex to a greedy vampire: someone who “sucked” the life out of her. She really uses her voice to make the audience understand how predatory her ex was. The raw vocals were very impressive and she raised her voice at all the right points to really emphasize how helpless she felt. Even the dramatic instrumental at the end showed that she's glad to finally get this off her chest and finally put her frustrations into words. Anger doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, and it feel relieving to let off steam. 

Bargaining:

I was having trouble understanding what bargaining was but apparently it is to explain how things could have been done differently or better. The song that reminds me of this is Back to December by Taylor Swift. It’s her typical Taylor Swift vibe, but she talks about how she is sorry for that night and she even says she would “go back in time and change it.” I’m not a huge Taylor Swift fan but when my friends played this song it really stuck with me. I usually hear break up songs bashing the other person, so it was interesting to hear an apology. Reflecting is a good idea and not everything has to be directed towards the other person. 

Another side to bargaining is just straight up begging. A song that reminds me of this is Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by the Smiths. This is probably the shortest song in the playlist but it matches Taylor Swift with it’s country vibe. He is basically just asking to get what he wants. Although the lyrics aren’t much, I like how short it is. He is straight to the point and is being very apperant on what he wants. In break ups, people may find it hard to think about themself and put them first, but this is very important to moving on. 

Depression:

There were so many songs I could pick for this topic but one that I think has to be here is Mr. Loverman. I think I have cried to this song about a hundred times with nothing close to this happening in my life. The simple beat puts the spotlight on his clear voice. It really forces you to listen to the lyrics and he does a great job of portraying missing someone. The bridge where he talks about being shattered and being helpless followed by the hearwrentching chorus, this song definitely portrays the longing and depression that comes with moving on. 

With similar vibes to Mr. Loverman, I added I Love You So by the Walters. This song is about leaving someone behind even though you love them. This song is actually about going through the process of breaking up because his partner is cheating, but it really conveys feeling of moving on. When he says “this feelings old and I know I know that I’ve made up my mind.” It shows that time really does play a role in moving on. Even though he loves her he is tired of feeling this way. Depression is tiring but sometimes its a good way to show that it is time to move on. 

Acceptance:

Going back to the queen of break up songs, I used We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift. This song is a generic pop song and uses catchy beats to show the joy that comes with moving on. To me, this song is a very nostalgic song, and the story can be seen as relatable to many. (i’m assuming) Her iconinc singing of “we are never ever ever getting back together” just make you feel empowered to do the same. Acceptance is all about finally accepting what happened and using that to empower you to move forward in life. 

The last song on this playlist is GONE, GONE / THANK YOU by Tyler The Creator. At first, he mixes into the depressed stage because his love is gone, but towards the end, he realizes that it was good that it ended. He is actually appreciative for the experience he got. The second part of the song (thank you) really adds a new perspective. Even with all the pain Tyler went through, he still thanked him. Of course he is still hurt, saying lines like “i will never fall in love again” showing how impactful a breakup can be. Even though this is the acceptance stage, it’s still hard to completely move on. All that matters is that you acknowledge how your feeling and trust that time will heal you.  

Heartbreak isn’t just about linearly going through the stages. Everything can happen all at once or something completely out of script will be thrown your way. Although it’s messy, that is a part of the process. Even in the playlist, some songs weren’t even about break up and some stages had completely different genres. Regarding the meaning of the songs, there was not much linearity either. Tyler was supposed to be appreciative, but you could tell he was still deeply hurt. Billie’s song sounded soft and composed, but it was filled with rage. Even though it’s complicated that’s okay. It’s okay to miss them even though you’re supposed to have already accepted it. It’s okay to put yourself first even though it seems so unnatural. Sure the stages help frame the grieving process, but grief is all over the place and that’s okay. 

[issaxcharlie]

We say we're friends, we play pretend (2/2 )You're more to me, we're everything

PART 1 HERE

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem reader

Summary: Charlie and Y/N were best friends and a couple as teens, after their breakup they meet again 4 years later on JATP and have to work together. Will they be able to recover more than their friendship?

If Charlie knew anything in life, it was that he had to take things carefully. Especially with such strong feelings involved. In general, when you like someone, the least you want is for that person to see you as a friend, but particularly for them, recovering their friendship bond was the most important step.

“You were so cute!” Tori and Owen are looking at photos of the guitarist's childhood on his phone. A photo of little Charlie in a suit grinning from ear to ear while holding a girl as if he is spinning her around shows up.

That memory is one of his favorites. He was always a very loved boy with many friends, but in the case of girls he was not the most popular. His best friend on the other hand was, at least for him, the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and boys were always around her. He knew he needed to find a partner for the dance so that she wouldn't feel guilty or he wouldn't feel humiliated by not having someone to go with.

However, he was rejected, quite a few times. He didn’t want to say anything about the dance to his best friend that week because he knew that she would stay home with him without hesitation. But that day half an hour before, he arrived in a suit and flowers for her, so at least he could have a picture of such an important moment with the person he loves the most, and he was the one surprised.

“It was about time Char, we have to take about 30 pictures before we go. Mom bought you a tie so we can match." She is up and down looking for one of her shoes, not even turning to see her friend who doesn’t know if he understood correctly.

At that moment she finally turns to see him and runs for a hug, Charlie barely had time to raise his arm with the flowers.

“You look so handsome, and the flowers are perfect. Best partner ever, I love you so much C! I’ll be ready in a second.”

She had planned to go with him from the beginning, and thought it was an implicit pact. That realization made Charlie's heart beat a lot faster that day. No matter how many people invited her, she wanted to go with him. He spent the night with his favorite person dancing and singing, feeling grateful for her, this light who always chooses him of all people.

“I looked pretty good in those clothes.” Y/N says as she and Madison sit at the table.

“You always look amazing, but yeah that night was special.” It's also the night that he realized that he was feeling more than friendship for his best friend, but this is not the time to talk about it.

He decides to continue preparing his waffles, than even though it already has like 5 ingredients, it seems something is missing.

Y/N blushes a little and smiles. “Here, handsome.” She hands him a can of pringles that she grabbed from the cafeteria when she saw him making eggo’s.

“Perfect, Y/N Y/L teaching everyone why she's my soulmate.” Everyone at the table begins to complain about what they qualify as the most disgusting thing they have ever seen, while the former couple smiles happily as they secretly link their legs under the table and continue their breakfast.

Little details like that one, or as removing all the products that she would take with milk from her hands because she seems to forget every morning that she is allergic can make a difference.

“You are 22 years old and you are still as careless as when we were children, I do not understand how you have survived these 4 years."

“You were always the one who cared about it and kept me safe, I guess unconsciously having you close my brain says, ‘no worries, Char will take care of it.’ So I’m sorry, I'll be more careful.”

A seriously ill 10-year Y/N on the way to the hospital invaded Charlie's mind, whom quickly shook off the bad memory.

“It’s all good, bright star.”

“What did you say?” Madison asks.

“Bright star. I know Kenny calls her ‘golden star’, but he’s the copycat. I've been calling her like that all my life.”

Y/N just smiles, enjoying the moment. She had not heard those words from his lips for years, and honestly Kenny also calling her a star even If it was sweet, made her remember Charles practically every day, and that didn’t help at all to get over the guitarist.

“You are my brightest burning star.” Madison replies, looking at Charlie with amusement in her eyes.

At that moment the actor understands what is going through his co-star's head and panics.

“So this queen is the one who has you so inspired, I should have realized it before.”

“She’s always my inspiration, period.” Y/N starts to laugh while blushing, and Madison’s attention falls completely on her.

“And I guess ‘Bright’ is a coincidence? And rise through the night, you and I, We will fight to shine together...Bright forever.” The songwriter wants to disappear at that precise moment while everyone turns to see her as if she had a third eye on her forehead.

“But you wrote bright long before you even knew Charlie was part of the proyect.” Owen adds, smirking.

“If you are asking me if I draw inspiration from the people I love, to write... the answer is yes. And yes, of course I love him.” How is it possible for the guitarist to slow things down when she says things like that in front of everyone? All he wants right now is to kiss her. This discovery means that despite the time she still had him in mind, the song cannot have been written for long. Hope is flooding his body.

“Ok but they inspiring each other is the sweetest thing in the world, goals right there.” Tori adds excited, her friends blushing.

All those teasing moments helped them to be more transparent with their feelings, hugging, touching, and basically staying close each time they finished their work obligations, almost as if they were afraid that the other would disappear or as if they were trying to make up for lost time.

“We need a lot more energy, especially from Charlie. Luke lives for music, nothing can give him more joy than being on stage."

"They have been working for 17 hours straight and at least 15 attempts with this musical." Paul tries to reason with Kenny mid-recording of Now or Never, which still does not come out as the director was expecting.

“What was in the recording studio that is not here now? I thought they would show an even greater energy than there after they stepped on stage."

They both turn to each other, as if the light had been turned on at the same time, and Paul takes his phone.

A few minutes later Y/N walks on set, Sunset Curve smiles upon seeing her.

“I wanted to make sure that we are fulfilling the vision of our beloved songwriter. Let's not disappoint her, okay? Let's try it one more time." Kenny shouts before starting to record again.

Instantly the energy is seen a thousand times higher, Charlie more radiant than ever, while Y/N replicates his energy behind the cameras, flooding him with sass and attitude. The young singer also motivates her now friends and unknowingly gave Sunset Curve that extra thing they needed to finally achieve the perfect performance. Kenny and Paul doing a fist bump behind the screens.

Soon their chemistry and energy turned into open conversation. The way they made everyone on set cry the first time they practiced Unsaid Emily or how connected and dreamy they were while dancing to Perfect Harmony when Madison wasn't on set.

But they still weren’t together, at least officialy.

If Charlie was honest, the fear of throwing himself all over and losing her again terrified him. The industry they love so much and decided to work in doesn't let having a relationship be easy, and if things go wrong again, they don't know if it might be possible to fix it again. It was basically a leap of faith.

Nonetheless, he knows he's willing, but what about her?

That morning he enters the set overwhelmed with his situation when he sees an even more overwhelmed Y/N walk by without even turning around, almost running to the recording studio.

“I advise you to give her some space for a few hours. Let's say she’s going to have a pretty difficult day."

"Why? What happened?" Jeremy asks as he and Owen stand next to the director.

“She got a call from the people at Netflix, they have already approved almost all the music except ‘Stand Tall’, the closing song, and her favorite. They will come in an hour to hear her presentation and convince them that it is good enough."

At that moment Charlie has an idea. There is no way that he will leave her alone, if he has the opportunity to help her he will do it and he’ll drag along all the people he needs to achieve it.

"Kenny, do you happen to have the music sheets for the song?"

“Don’t tell me-” Owen tries to ask but Charlie interrumpts him.

“Yes, let’s get to work boys.”

An hour later Y/N is freaking out, and she can't help but wish Charlie was around. Of all the days he could choose to disappear, he chose today.

She walks towards the auditorium, where to her surprise way more people than she expected are present, including most of the cast. But there is no sign of her lover boy anywhere.

Now or never. She takes a deep breath and start playing the keyboard. Her voice is the only thing that accompanies the keys. Everything is going as planned, but she can't help but feel distracted, nervous, and overwhelmed.

She is about to give up this fight internally when a drum before the second verse gives her the strength to continue singing, Owen smiles and winks at her to give her some peace of mind, and just a few seconds later Jeremy begins to accompany them with the bass. She knows whose idea it is and she just waits for him to come out from wherever he is hidden.

"I’m going out of my mind, Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing I’ma stand tall, I’ma stand tall." His voice finishes waking her up and she accompanies him in the chorus, their chemistry electrifying everyone until every single person is standing, the cast supporting, dancing and clapping while the couple continues to focus on each other, separating out of obligation every so often but taking the opportunity to sing along with Jeremy and Owen who were doing an amazing job too, impacting with their solos.

The song ends and the boys disappear while Y/N talks to the people who came to evaluate her work, who finally approve the last song on the soundtrack that she has been working on for so long and to which she put all her soul.

The very second people outside the cast leave, Y/N looks for who has always been the boy of her life, the one who has proven that even though the years go by, they only need a few seconds to be themselves again, to be everything again. And as soon as she finds him hanging around only with the other 3 members of JATP she runs and jumps on him, entwining her legs at his hips and hugging him from the neck with all her strength, he immediately secures her by putting his arms around her waist.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

The band starts screaming “Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!” hoping that one of the two will already dare to take the next step, and Y/N stamps her lips against Charlie's, who reacts almost automatically and kisses her back hard, deciding quickly this is the happiest moment of his life. He finally got the girl, or with what just happened, her fierce girl got him.

Hours later both are in Y/N's apartment curled up on a sofa, enjoying being together again.

“Yes, that sexy, beautiful, adorable and talented man is my boyfriend, Charlie Gillespie.”

Charlie chuckles at her random declaration. “What was that?”

“I’m practicing, and I wanted to say it aloud. I’m just so happy right now.”

His heart melts, she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. His brightest burning star.

His girlfriend doesn't give him time to reply, devouring his lips again. After all, she has four years to recover, and as always, he is more than willing to help her.

Thank you so much for reading!

NEXT PART HERE

Tag list:

@siennanoelle01

@reblogserpent

@kiss-themoongoodbye

@writerinlearning

@rachelle3musicals

[fan-written]

The Mission

Day 28, Distress

Warnings: Angst, discussion of cheating, and a breakup.

Seriously, there is no happy ending, so if that’s what you want don’t read!!!!! Also, forgive me if it isn’t quite that good. This was my angst practice that I decided to tie into Daminette December. @daminette-december2019-2020

"No."

"Mari, really." Damian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It's just a mission. It will be over before you know it. I should even get time off afterwards to go on that vacation you wanted." He reached for her, trying to reassure her that it was fine.

She grimaced and leaned away from his touch. "Sure, just a mission. One where you pretend to cheat on me, then we publicly break up, only for you to begin formally dating your mistress." She stood and began pacing. Her hands waved through the air punctuating each word. "All the while I'll be hiding out in a safe house where you'll come and visit me whenever you can get away. Oh and let's not forget this mark is one Lila Rossi. The same Lila Rossi that tried to ruin my life and almost got me killed."

Marinette spun towards him and smiled stiffly. "Did I misunderstand anything, Dear?"

If he'd had less control over his body, Damian would have flinched at her sneer.

"Habiti," she frowned, "please. It shouldn't last long. We just need to know who has been smuggling the artifacts into the country. Some of them are magical in nature so we need to be proactive about it. Rossi is their public face and we need to get close to her."

“And it couldn’t be one of the unattached men on your team? Or elsewhere within the Justice League? You know, someone who isn’t living with their partner? Who hasn’t had several long conversations about marriage!? I thought you were going to propose, Wayne, not break up with me!”

Damian jumped to his feet at the use of his last name. Marinette hadn’t called him that since they’d started dating. “Pretend. Pretend to break up, Marinette. We would still be together, just not in public.”

Marinette walked around their coffee table as she spoke, making sure to keep it between them. It wouldn’t help much if this fight became physical, but it would leave enough time for her to transform. Damian could see a red Kwami floating nearby and he knew the others would be on standby as well.

“So I’d become the Mistress in hiding? You'd have me waiting patiently for you to return to me whenever you have a free moment to spare. Nothing more than a trinket for your amusement. All while watching you gallivant around with a harpy and manipulator who holds a grudge against me.” He scowled and clenched his fists. She wasn’t listening to him. “That hit last night must have scrambled your brain if you think for one second I’d be-”

“ENOUGH!”

She flinched and Damian regretted yelling at her for half a second. Adrien hadn’t been the most kind to her near the end of their relationship. But he needed her to understand that this was important. These artifacts in the wrong hands would be devastating. They needed to get to Rossi, and quickly, and he was the best one for the job.

“I am the one doing this mission because of your history with her!” His voice was quieter than before, but he struggled keeping it that way. Then again, Marinette always brought his emotions to the surface. “We know she would do almost anything to try and ruin you so I am the perfect candidate. She is more likely to bring me into her confidence quicker than anyone else because she will believe she can cause damage to you through me.”

"Lila would have you put me in a tower just to keep me out of sight. If she had access to gloat over me, even better!" Her voice matched his intensity, "But I've already saved myself from one tower. Another wouldn't stop me." She paused, defiance in every line of her body, asking him to hear her.

Damian searched her face, trying to understand what she was thinking. Instead her normally open gaze was shuttered and her face blank. He could only find a sliver of icy anger in her blue eyes. Finally she scoffed and turned away to look at the ground. Tikki landed on her shoulder and patted her cheek. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. When she looked back up he still couldn’t tell what her thoughts were, but she was calm.

“I can’t stop you from taking this case.” She spoke softly. She wasn’t pleading, but it was a close thing. “I’ve never tried because I know what they mean to you. But just this once I’m going to ask you to not do this. You’ve only read about her, but I know her. She will use you and your resources to get further ahead. She will worm her way into the deepest recesses of your mind and make you believe things you know aren’t true. And if she doesn’t then she will twist you back into a version Ra's would be proud of. I don’t want to see you become a shell of yourself. I’m not sure I could. Please don’t take this case.” 

The silence was deafening. They stared at each other until Marinette looked away. She had pleaded her case even though she already knew the answer.

"I am heading to the Watchtower to let them know I accept the mission. I'll see you when I get back."

Damian turned and picked up his jacket from the back of the couch. He figured she wouldn't say anything else and began to walk swiftly towards the door.

"I won't be here when you get back." He cast a glance back to find her watching him. Her voice rang with promise, almost too loud after the fight. "If you walk through that door now, there won't be anything pretend about our break up."

He sighed and shook his head. "You're just upset. We both are. We can talk about it later when we both have clearer heads." And with that, he left her standing in their living room listening to the click of the door shutting behind him.

---

She hadn't been there, but he expected as much. 

The visit to the Tower had taken longer than he'd expected and he'd come home far too early in the morning for any sensible person.

He noticed immediately that some of her things were missing, but nothing extreme. Just a bag of clothes, necessities, and the miracle box. Her sketchbooks were still in the bookcase and her most recent commission was still on the mannequin. She would be back and they would figure it out.

Two weeks later and Damian was beyond frustrated with her and her refusal to return to the apartment. He knew she was still seen entering it since there had been no scandal in the paper, but never when he was there. They'd only met in public, with other people around, making it impossible for them to discuss anything related to his mission or their relationship.

He was in the middle of sparring with Dick, struggling to pull his punches for such a friendly spar. He was angry, but he didn't want to let on that something was bothering him. He hadn't told his family about the mission yet, but he knew he'd have to before he and Marinette staged their break up.

Not to mention he'd officially met Rossi that morning. She felt just as slimy and greasy as Marinette had made her sound. 

"What's up Little D? You seem distracted today," Dick asked when they stopped for water. 

He took a long draw from his bottle to buy extra time to answer. He probably should have expected Dick to pick up on his distress. "Nothing much." He sighed and looked away. He should tell them, but, not now. Later. "Marinette and I are having a disagreement is all. You know how busy this time of year is for her so we haven't had a chance to actually discuss it yet."

It wasn't quite a lie. She always had an off season fashion show to showcase her students work and give them the feel of managing their own line. But she had always made time to spend a meal with him at least. And they had. However, instead of home cooked meals they hadn't had anything more private than lunch at a busy restaurant since he left the house that day.

"That's tough." Damian couldn't stand the sympathy on Dick's face and scowled. He wasn't going to feel guilty for taking this mission. "Do you want to trade patrol shifts? I have tomorrow off at the precinct so I don't mind working tonight so you can talk to Nettie."

It wasn't a bad idea. Marinette knew his shifts so she would likely avoid him until the next time Oracle made up the patrol schedule.

"Sure," he said with a short nod. "Thanks Richard."

---

Damian had expected to surprise Marinette and finally make her talk to him. Instead he was shocked to find the apartment empty and an envelope with his name sitting on the counter.

Damian,

I love you.

I expected to spend the rest of my life with you, but this is something I draw the line at. I have spent the last two weeks trying to understand why you have to be the one doing this, and while you may get results faster, it's at the cost of my emotions and trust. The cost of our relationship.

You left me, Damian, in the middle of our home to go accept a mission asking you to cheat on me. I tried to get over it, but I like to think I am worth more than that. 

I'll make appearances, be a dutiful girlfriend until the breakup, but that's it. That's all I'm doing for this mission of yours. 

Lila Rossi has taken so much from me, but I refuse to let her take my dignity and self worth. Even if you and I are the only ones who know it.

Goodbye Damian al Ghul-Wayne. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Marinette

Damian reread her letter. And again.

A third time had him rushing to their bedroom. The sound of paper being crushed faint behind the beat of his heart.

Gone. Everything was gone. Her plants, half the pictures, even the cat pillow she refused to give up.

Gone.

Only a handful of clothes and toiletries were left. Enough that when the official breakup happened she would look like she was moving out.

She was gone and he knew she wasn't coming back. Even if he stepped away from this mission now, she wouldn't return to him. 

There was one thing she'd always told him she had trouble fixing once broken. And he had promised her he wouldn't forget. Promised he wouldn't shatter her the same way they had. But he'd forgotten.

He'd forgotten how fragile her trust was.

---

It had taken longer than he thought, but it was over. Lila, no she was Rossi once again, had been more paranoid than they had thought. 

But they had been correct in assuming she would take to Damian the quickest. Whether it was because he was a Wayne, or because he had been dating Marinette they couldn't be sure. But eventually she chose him.

Damian scrubbed his skin raw for hopefully the last time. Rossi had just been taken in by the Justice League and he planned on never seeing her again. He was sure he would feel her hands on him for far longer.

His apartment was too quiet, he thought as he climbed out of the scalding water. It always was these days. No Marinette sewing or baking. No Kwami fighting over the remote. Not even himself lately, flipping through a book in all the chaos.

He missed her. Her passion. Her fierceness. Her sense of justice. Occasionally he had the chance to watch her take down a thug three times her size while wearing whatever gem she chose that night. Occasionally he lost his breath in awe and gained a new bruise for it.

He missed her quiet. Her peace. Her strength. The papers weren't kind to either of them when they staged the breakup. It had happened earlier than he wanted, but all of Gotham could tell something was wearing on their Sunshine. They were even more invasive when she moved out. But Marinette had simply strut out as a modern version of Princess Diana, with her head high. The crowds parted before her without a single question asked. 

He had walked out a week later with Lila on his arm and a glare in his eye. They failed to make the front page much to Lila's ire and his secret glee. Marinette had, in her gorgeous dress and new haircut. Damian would have begged to run his hand through the shiny strands if they had seen each other in that first week.

He missed her nervousness. Her dramatics. Her chaos. She had held her student show two weeks after their breakup and he knew exactly what had been happening backstage. Only this time her usual panic attack would be handled by her students. The freakout at the sound booth would be calmed only after listening to the technician give her another rundown of the show.

And when she walked down the runway in her traditional, single contribution to the show he was blown away. A whirlwind of fabrics and color left the entire audience gaping. She had created a wedding dress out of scraps from all of her students' lines. She was forests of greens and blues, mountains of grays and browns, and sunsets of pinks and oranges. She was hurricanes, tsunamis, and earthquakes. It was creation and destruction, a beginning and end. A power. And yet it was delicate and oh so feminine, even with the torn edges of a runaway bride. She had been chaos and order and the world loved it.

Papers were arguing if it had been inspired by her recent breakup. The elite were whispering about who she'd been seen with. Any unattached bachelor or bachelorette were vying for her attention at every charity and gala. She merely floated through leaving a broken heart in every chest.

But what Damian really missed was her kindness. Her friendship. Her love. The way she smiled when he walked in the door. The blanket she used to drape over their laps while they watched a movie. How she looked for him first after a round with the Rogues. 

She didn't do that anymore. Her smile became a nod in his direction. That blanket was now shared with Cass, or Tim, or Duke. Even Jason would get to share with her on the few times he showed up to family movie night. He still caught her looking for him first, but it was only out of habit now.

Damian almost resented his family. She was good friends with all of them. She ran patrols with them. She trusted them, more than him. But he couldn't. They were his only chance to be near her. To see her relaxed, away from the public eye. The way she used to be with him.

---

"Your partner should be here any minute, Black Cardinal."

Damian nodded at Wonder Woman and leaned back in his seat. He pondered over who it could be. It had been over a year since the end of the Rossi case and some of his family still hadn't fully forgiven him for taking it. He understood. He couldn't quite forgive himself either.

They may have caused more than one problem for the Justice League. It often led to fights when they were paired. If not, then it was miscommunication problems between them. One unwilling to fully trust the other. 

He knew it couldn't be Red Robin. Last time they both ended up in the hospital for injuries they gave to each other. That happened when Damian learned that Tim had actually been working up the courage to ask Marinette out the same night he had. A small part of Tim hated Damian for taking that chance first and then throwing it away.

Red Hood was a hard no when it would be just the two of them. Jason apparently took Marinette in for the first few weeks of The Mission. He saw the aftermath of Damian's decision and Damian couldn't help the bitter jealousy he felt when he saw the other. Their meetings were never pretty. Or quiet.

Maybe it was Spoiler? Stephanie may have raged at him when she first found out, but she always put it aside when they had work.

A flash of red in his peripheral pulled him out of his thoughts. He quickly stood to look fully at the newcomer walking in and couldn't help but gape.

Her style had changed since he had last seen her. She was darker now, finally matching the shadows of her city. Beautiful embroidery detailed the red spots on the black Hanfu robe top. The sash at her waist was a dark red that matched her leggings. It wasn't traditional, but it was practical. He knew she must have felt some pride in showing a part of her heritage. 

In the end he could only think one thing. Ladybug was beautiful.

Damian continued to stare and was shocked to notice the bottom of the robe split in half and fluttered like wings. He could faintly remember reading that that only happened when beetles were agitated, but that wasn't important. 

She was in front of him, in uniform. She was going to be his partner for this mission. She was here.

"-ill you be okay working with him?"

They had been talking. She had spoken and he wasn't paying attention. What did Diana ask? Oh, that.

Damian tried not to hold his breath while she studied him. He had changed too. She had been right that Rossi would twist him; He was deadlier, less caring about accidental casualties.

But she was blank faced again, just like that night. In fact it was better than before. He realized then that he didn't know her anymore. That he would never know her that way again. It twisted his stomach and made his chest ache in a now familiar pain.

And then she spoke and his heart split again.

"It's fine, Wonder Woman. I know I can always trust Black Cardinal to complete a mission."

[silksandcravats]

Minor Disagreements

Summary: A short piece in which Flip cannot possibly understand why you might want to live in a van...

masterlist

warnings: explicit language, female reader, arguement, brief reference to sex

You and Flip were pretty different people, you’d known this since the beginning when you started dating. You were free-spirited and adventurous and Flip was down on the ground, head in the real world with his grown-up job and pessimistic realistic worldview. The two of you should mix about as well as oil and water, but for whatever reason, that wasn’t the case. Somehow you seemed to compliment each other. 

You made his life exciting, you helped him explore his passions, You helped him get the full human experience. And he kept you from drifting off the edge. He shoved just enough routine in your life to keep you sane, and provided you a safe place you could run back too when “living the dream” fell through. You made life worth living and he made sure he was around to pick you up when you reached too far and got knocked down. 

It really was all sunshine and rainbows between the two of you, except of course for the times when it wasn’t...

“You’re out of your damn mind.”

“Oh come on honey think about it! The world is so big! I could see so much of it!” You gushed, you felt a tinge of sadness that your excitement wasn’t being met by your boyfriend.

“No, absolutely not,” he stated firmly.

“I wasn’t asking” you reply, feeling your blood begin to boil at his outright dismissive attitude.

“Don’t care, you’re not living in a fucking van, forget it.”

“You’re not even hearing me out Flip!” you pushed.

“You’re right, I’m not.” his response was entirely unapologetic. 

“I am a grown woman Phillip, I can do whatever I want,” you snap.

“You sure can honey, but if you think for a second I’m gonna let you lock yourself in a box parked out in the open, where anyone who knows how to pick a car lock can get their hands on you-” his anger was quickly rising to match yours.

“It’s perfectly safe! Rosemary does it,” you cut him off.

“Like fuck it is,” he scoffed.

“What are you going to physically stop me?”

“Yes.” He spit it out, letting out a short bitter laugh as if it was obvious.

“You can’t stop me.”

“I will if I have to dearest!” He spit, the word “dearest” came out dripping with sarcasm. He was mocking you.

“I’ll leave you!” It was too far, you knew it was the moment it left your mouth, but you were so pissed at him for telling you what to do that you couldn’t take it back. You glared at him, waiting for his response, but he held back, instead throwing his hands up and walking out of the room.

It would be nice to say that you and Flip were the kind of couple who never went to bed angry with each other, but that wasn’t true. You were at a stage in your relationship where you spent most weekends over at his place. He had a busy work week and he didn’t always get to see you during the weekdays so it was your way of making sure you always got to see each other. It was a time both of you always cherished and looked forward to, and you both felt guilty for letting your special time together go to waste. 

But neither of you could just swallow your pride and spit out an apology so you fell asleep, backs towards each other. There was no bedtime kiss, no goodnight bids. For the first time in as long as you could remember, you fell asleep on a Saturday night outside of Flip’s arms, and you both had a long, miserable night because of it.

And if you thought the guilt you had felt the night before was bad, it was quickly outshone by the deep sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you woke up Sunday morning.

The other side of the bed was cold and empty. It only makes sense that your Sunday morning ritual of being showered in sweet soft little pecks and being tugged impossibly closer against a big warm chest, and maybe a round or two of lazy sweet sex if you hadn’t gotten enough of each other the night before was forgone too. 

You trudged down the stairs, trying to decide what to do about your heavy conscience. Threatening a breakup to get him to shut up was a low move, and he probably knew you didn’t mean it but that didn’t make it any less cruel. Flip’s job showed him the worst in this world and you knew he’d do anything to keep you safe. You still wanted that van life though.

When you arrived downstairs you found the house was empty, a little note sat on the counter. There, in Flip’s handwriting, sat a short message that told you everything you need to know.

Ran out to grab something, be back soon. I love you.

He couldn’t be too made then, you figured to yourself as you turned around to face his kitchen. You wanted to worm your way back into his heart and make things right, and you had a pretty good idea of how to get there.

30 minutes later the smell of something sweet filled the kitchen as you pulled a rack of banana nut muffins out of the oven. It was a recipe you knew you were good at, and Flip was a sucker for them. You turned off the oven, and decided to let them sit in the tray for a bit before you pulled them out of the tin.

You could swear he had some kind of 5th sense for things like this, because no sooner than you had finished did Flip come in through the front door. He pulled it shut behind him, following his nose through the house where he was sure to find whatever you had been baking, and you of course. He stepped into the kitchen cautiously, searching for clues to pick up your mood like the detective he is.

“I made you muffins.” You spoke first, your voice coming out almost shy. Your tone tugged at his heartstrings. He’d just come in to apologise to you and here you were baking to make things up to him.

“I’m sorry,” he responds, moving through the room towards you pulling you into him, “I was a bossy asshole,” he added what he was sorry for (you taught him that.) His embrace is a welcome change to the past nearly 24 hours of distance between the two of you.

“I’m sorry I threatened you,” You mumbled against him, slipping your arms around his waist to hug him back. “I didn’t mean it.”

“I know honey.” He shushed you, giving you a little squeeze.

“I got you something,” he added after a moment, making you pull back and look at him with curiosity. 

“What is it?”

“Why don’t you come outside and see?” He reached behind you, pulling a still-very-much-hot muffin out of the tin and walking back to the front door, knowing you were close behind. Just before you reached the door he grabbed your wrist, pulling you in front of him and clamping his massive palm over the top of your face covering your eyes. 

You were so excited you nearly squealed. You reached out blindly behind you and grasped him, holding onto him as you stumbled blindly onto the front porch. Suddenly his hand was pulled away, you blink quickly, readjusting to the bright sun that was now about halfway up in the sky.

When your eyes refocused the first thing they landed on was a shiny VW bus in your favorite color parked in the driveway. You gasped in surprise, hands flying up to cover your mouth.

“Phil you didn’t.”

“You can’t live in it,” he stated quickly, still behind you. “But it’s all yours.” He reached around you, waving the key in your face. “And I’ll follow you wherever you wanna go, baby.”

tags: @aloneandsleepless​ @maryforyou​ @emeraldsiren20​

[avnkin]

The Pogues - Prologue

Pairing: jj maybank x fem!reader

Warnings: toxic relationship, swearing

Word count: 2k

Summary: You were a kook, born and raised but when a messy breakup with your boyfriend takes place you find comfort in the people who you’d been taught to despise and keep away from your entire life, the Pogues.

(A/N): Soooo here it is the prologue to my upcoming series i’ve literally been working on this for the last couple of days and the first chapters are almost finished but I just wanted to post this as a kind of introduction to the story and the life around Y/N,, and pleaseee don’t be afraid to give me any feedback I love when y’all come in my inbox (not my gif creds to the owner) 

series masterlist

You were seated out on your patio opposite your mom and dad enjoying the nice weather, your tanned skin practically glistening in the sun rays “so Y/N, is Rafe going to be escorting you to Midsummers?” Your father asked, you groaned at the idea of even having to go there mostly at the part about Rafe being your escort “do I have to go” you frowned playing with the salad blades that lay untouched on the plate before you “we’ve already talked about this Y/N you’re going” he replied sternly, annoyance evident in his tone. Most of the time you could talk your way out of almost every single one of these events but since Ward was your fathers best friend and the event was practically being held in his honor you had to go otherwise it would ‘reflect badly on your father’s image’.

You and Rafe had been an on and off thing for about a year now, maybe even longer since it was hard to keep count of all the breakups, currently you guys were on another off stage after you’d found him and another girl going at it in his bedroom when you had planned to surprise him on his birthday but instead ended up crying yourself to sleep in Sarah’s room who held you as you sobbed and being the loyal friend she is she ended barging into her brothers room to yell at him as soon as you fell asleep.

You and Sarah were the same age and had been best friends long before you and Rafe got together, considering your fathers were close friends you spent almost everyday over at the Camerons when you were younger and now you two were glued at the hip, you didn’t know what you’d do without her since you’d done everything and anything together since the age of 3.

“Yeah well I don’t think Rafe’s gonna be my escort, we broke up” you stated blatantly, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked back up at your displeased father “come on Y/N can’t you fix it just for that night and then you never talk to him again I don’t care but it’ll look really bad for me if my daughter ditches my best friends son at an event that’s being held in his honor” you looked over at your mom hoping she would back you up since there was no way you were going to get out of this without her help, but instead she just sat there pretending not to notice your lingering glare.

“Fine i’ll fix it” you mumbled knowing that there was no point in arguing with your father “thank you sweetie” he smiled “whatever” you rolled your eyes pushing the chair out from behind you and making your way back inside and up to your room. Closing the door behind you, you sat down at the edge of your bed dreading dialing Rafe’s phone number since you really didn’t want to be the one crawling back after he cheated, you had some respect for yourself.

It’s for dad you thought as you pressed call on his contact your back colliding with your mattress as you felt your heart sink more and more with every ring. Just as you were about to hang up he answered “hey baby” the nickname made you sick to your stomach, did he have no recollection of your break up “can we talk?” you asked getting annoyed as you heard nothing but silence on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah uh i’ll be home in like ten minutes want me to pick you up or something?” he asked, it was obvious in the way he spoke that he had no interest in going out of his way to come get you, you rolled your eyes “no Rafe i’m perfectly capable of getting myself to your house by myself thank you very much” you spoke before hanging up groaning as you went and got dressed pulling a black hoodie over the white crop top you’d been wearing and struggling to get into your converse attempting to squeeze your heel into them as you trudged down the spiral staircase in your house.

You grabbed the keys to one of your dad’s cars, opening the front door you slammed it shut behind you making your anger evident to your mom and dad.

Walking out into the cool summer air you quickly unlocked the car and pulled the handle, opening the door and placing your self down into the drivers seat. You turned the engine on dreading the soon to be conversation with your ex boyfriend as you slowly backed out of your driveway and out onto the main road.

As you stood outside of the Cameron house you contemplated driving away and never looking back but knowing you’d have to face the wrath of your father if you did that was enough to make your knuckle connect with the door and slowly but surely tap onto it, seconds later Rafe’s deranged figure stood before you moving out of the way allowing you to walk in, you put on a fake smile as you followed him up to his room.

It was silent between the two of you when he closed the door behind him neither one of you knowing what to say as you both stood facing each other “Y/N i’m really sorry for what happened the other day I-I was drunk” he stumbled over his words the lie evident as sweat started to form at the top of his forehead “I don’t care, I don’t want to get back together” he looked puzzled at your words “then why are you here?” he questioned sitting down onto the bed that was placed in the middle of the room.

“We’re going to go to Midsummers together and then we’re over and you’ll never hear from me again” he simply sat there not giving you any reaction whatsoever, so you turned to walk out but before your hand could reach the door handle he grabbed you and pulled you back to him “so we’re over just like that?” he practically barked down at you fingers tightening around your wrist clearly not pleased with your words “yes, my dad just wants me to go to this stupid thing with you and I know you want to impress your dad just as much as I do mine so it’s a win win for both of us” ripping your hand out of his grasp you tried to read his facial expression but it was blank the part about his dad clearly striking a nerve within him “whatever” he stated coldly turning away from you. You had to admit it hurt after almost a year of being with him that he didn’t even try to stop you or fight for you, but what were you expecting it’s Rafe.

You exited his room tears profusely falling from your eyes, you weren’t crying because you guys we’re no longer together but because you had just now realized how toxic the entire relationship had been and you were more then disappointed in yourself for letting anyone treat you that way for that long.

You made your way down the stairs towards the front door but before you could reach it an arm grabbed you stopping you from moving any further, thinking it was Rafe you turned around prepared to cuss him out but immediately calmed down once you noticed Sarah standing before you, it was obvious by her facial expression that she knew something was up with you and Rafe.

“What happened?” She frowned as she pulled you into a tight hug, you quietly cried into her shoulder as your arms rested weakly on her waist. “I don’t know what I ever saw in him” you sniffled pulling away from the hug so you could look back up at her “you know what I don’t either” she smiled wiping away the few tears that continued making their way down your cheeks.

“Come on lets go do something” she smiled intertwining her hands with yours dragging you out of the house behind her “like what?” you asked opening the passenger side door of her car and stepping into it not to worried about leaving yours behind, you’d come and get it later. Sarah got into the drivers seat shortly after you “first we go eat, can’t do anything on an empty stomach” she replied putting the key in the ignition and turning the car on “there’s this place that I absolutely love it’s called The Wreck” she spoke as she exited the driveway “isn’t that the restaurant that Kiara’s parents own?” you questioned raising an eyebrow at her since Sarah had told you about their previous feud multiple times. “Yeah but i’m pretty sure she’s not working right now and either way it doesn’t matter if she is i’m a customer so i’m sure we’ll both keep things strictly professional” she huffed causing you to chuckle your mind quickly forgetting all about Rafe and his stupid antics.

As Sarah parked in front of the wreck she involuntarily groaned noticing Kiara and the rest of her Pogue friends all sitting in front of the entrance enjoying their fries and hamburgers some you recognized, some you didn’t. “Shit” Sarah mumbled “strictly professional” you joked copying her words from before, she lightly hit you in the shoulder before grabbing her purse and getting out of the car you following behind shortly after.

As you walked past the Pogues and toward the entrance all you received were dirty looks and glares especially from Kiara, the only one who wasn’t glaring was JJ who not so subtly let his eyes wander up and down your body, Kiara clearly noticed as she hit him in the back of the head scolding him, “what the hell” you heard him mumble as he rubbed the back of his head causing you to let out a small chuckle.

The only reason you knew who JJ was, was because of the multiple fights you had to break up between him and Rafe, you could never understand how two people could hate each other that much.

Turning away from them you followed Sarah inside the restaurant and just your luck you were seated right next to the window that was facing them, “Oh god” Sarah groaned hiding her face behind the menu that had been placed in front of her “she’s still staring” you looked over your shoulder, and sure enough you got a perfect look of Kiara’s face and oh boy if looks could kill you’d both be dead by now.

“Is this all seriously because you didn’t invite her to your birthday party?” you questioned turning back around “yup” Sarah replied resting her chin in her palm “I kind of miss her though she was fun to hang out with, you’d like her” Sarah smiled causing you to look back one more time making direct eye contact with JJ who subtly winked at you, you felt heat rising to your cheeks and quickly turned away eyes diverting to the menu in front of you.

“So what do you wanna do when we finish eating?” you asked looking up at Sarah who only gave a shrug in response “you wanna go buy some dresses for Midsummers, I literally have nothing to wear?” she groaned taking a sip of her water giving you a hopeful look “sure” you chuckled looking out the window once more only to see the Pogues were no longer there, you felt slightly disappointed at the lost sight of the Maybank boy.

I’m gonna make a tag list for this series so let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future chapters!! xx

[tthankstoyou]

Assign glee characters songs from Taylor's Red album if you want. It can be because you'd think they'd sound good or because it just fits

Ahhhh thank you so much for this ask!!!! I literally love this ask so much, answering it was a lot of fun💖💖💖

I didn’t give every glee character a song & I gave a few people/ships multiple songs. Also! I hope you don’t mind that I added a few non-canon ships <3

I put everything under the cut since it got hella long, it’s hard for me to shut up sometimes 😳

• State of Grace: I feel like this is a really good Finchel duet. Finn and Rachel loved each other so much and left a lasting impact on each other’s lives (especially Rachel). I can see them singing this after Rachel heals from from their s4 breakup (so Finn’s still alive). Hmmmm I’m thinking they sing this at the failed Wemma wedding when they reunite.

• Red: Ok get this, Pezberry duet after their s5 fight (but like a romantic relationship, not platonic). But like when they’re at the stage before they make up & they realize how much they miss each other. They switch the male pronouns for female ones tho.

• Treacherous: This doesn’t fit any storylines for her, but I think Santana would sound beautiful if she sang this song. I don’t know any singing terms, so stick with me here. I think that Santana should’ve sung more soft songs (you know, like ‘Songbird’) & I think ‘Treacherous’ would’ve utilized how soft her voice can sound, but also how powerful it can be. Like since the song goes from slow paced and builds up to something faster and more powerful (this prob makes no sense)

• I Knew You Were Trouble: Quinn sings this after she see’s that Puck was s/exting Santana at their sleepover! She was ready to raise a baby with this man even though she knew about his reputation. Quinn thinks that she should’ve known better, but it’s too late for that and now her heart has been ripped out of her chest.

• All Too Well: Kurt sings this after Blaine tells Kurt that he cheated. I think he should sing this in the breakup episode when he should be sleeping, but his thoughts are keeping him up. Like how he tells Finn that he barely slept. I think Kurt singing this would be kind of like why Taylor wrote it, he’s trying to understand where and why everything went wrong.

• 22: I would LOVE for Madison and Kitty to sing this during the party in Rachel’s basement in s6. I chose that pairing since they all had to sing duets in that episode and I would kill to hear those girls sing a song together. Also I can totally see everyone having a great time on the dance floor, kind of like how everyone was partying during ‘Somebody Loves You.’ I think this would be a good song to keep the energy up.

• I Almost Do: I want Marley to sing this so bad. Not for any particular reason, I just think it would go really well with her voice.

• We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together: (Jarley endgame my beloved BUT) Marley sings this after her breakup with Jake. I think she’d sing this after she opens her locker and a whole bunch of flowers that Jake put in there fall out. She’s starting to get fed up with Jake begging for her to come back & she decides that the best way to get her feelings across is to sing this song to him in the middle of glee club.

• Stay Stay Stay: I don’t have a specific situation I want her to sing this in, but I think Tina would sound AMAZING on this song. Like it’s such a fun song & I can so see her singing it because it’s underrated just like her.

• The Last Time: Rachel sings this when she’s on her way back to Lima in the breakup episode to talk to Finn.

• Holy Ground: I feel like this would be SUCH a good song for Mercedes about her relationship with Sam. Like she’s being her pop star self and sees something that reminds her of Sam while on tour. She’s filled with nothing but good memories. She’ll always have love for him in her heart. AND omg the line “And I see your face now in every crowd” because Sam was her biggest fan and always will be.

• Sad Beautiful Tragic: This would be a good song for Blaine to sing after the s4 Klaine breakup. Like I think this would fit perfectly w/ how the song is about how distance tore them apart in the long run. The whole bridge fits their situation so well, especially the lines “Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting / Silence, the train runs off its tracks / Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?”

• The Lucky One: This song is deadass about Rachel. It would be wrong to assign it to anyone that isn’t her. Like she was a star who moved to L.A. to make her name even bigger. She quickly learned though that Hollywood life wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. She had to leave town to save face. Here are some lines that fit perfectly imo: “You had it figured out since you were in school” & “And they still tell the legend of how you disappeared / How you took the money and your dignity, and got the hell out”

• Everything Has Changed: I feel like this would be a super cute Hevans duet. I have no real explanation, I just want them to sing this soooo bad... maybe during duets week...

• Starlight: This would be such a fun group number at the end of an episode. I want the leads for this song to be Artie, Tina, and Unique. I think they'd make this number a lot of fun and I would love to hear the three of their voices in a song together.

• Begin Again: Quinn sings this song about the first girl she dates, mainly because there's nothing more gay than meeting someone in a cafe. The other man that she’s comparing the person she’s with to symbolizes all the men she’s dated. The line "I've been spending the last eight months / Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end” is about how Quinn isn’t the best at relationships. All she wants is to be loved, but she hurts everyone she’s with. But with this girl, it’s like none of that matters.

• The Moment I Knew: Kitty sings this about Artie when he forgets about her while she’s in New York. I don’t think it would fit any specific canon event, but I can imagine something similar to the song happening to them & Kitty just knowing that this was the end.

• Come Back...Be Here: Brittany sings this because of how she wants nothing more than Santana to be there with her. Like she said before they broke up that she feels like she’s suffocating with Santana & I think that this song would help Brittany convey how she feels.

• Girl At Home: I don’t know why, but I want Artie to sing this. I just think he’d have fun with it.

[taylizmasterpost]

Reconciliation and Late-Stage Tayliz (September 2014 - Present)

Despite not seeing each other for a while, Taylor and Liz clearly still hold a soft spot in each other’s hearts.

During the Secret Sessions for 1989 in Nashville, fans took pictures in Taylor’s home, and you can clearly see she has photos from Charleston displayed:

When it came time to mend the fences between Taylor and Liz, Claire Callaway was the one who ended up doing it:

2 October 2014 - Claire tweets a TBT to the Charleston trip. Liz responds to it:

That seems to get the ball rolling, because when Taylor drops Out of the Woods as a single, this happens:

14 October 2014 - Taylor and Liz tweet about how much they miss each other:

Then, when Taylor walks the runaway with Karlie at the VSFS, this happens:

Taylor is with Karlie at the time, and obviously nothing romantic is happening on Liz’s end either, because...

20 December 2014 - Liz gets engaged to Bryan Brown and has dinner with friends:

16 February 2015 - Liz tweets that Taylor is badass

8 April 2016 - Liz makes this gay post on Facebook that I’d like to think is a response to Style, since the MV had come out a few months before:

And Liz seems to have found a group of gay friends...

Although, that could just be a typo.

15 July 2015 - Liz posts on Facebook that “Thanks to some really talented friends, I got to record something beautiful today. Can’t wait to share this one.” The picture she attaches definitely looks like Taylor:

Liz also tweets this:

We do NOT know where Taylor was that day. However, she performed in DC on the 1989 tour on the 14th and was papped in NYC on the 16th so it’s not impossible she was in Nashville working on something with Liz. Unfortunately, whatever they worked on has yet to surface (unless you subscribe to the theory that Liz is WB...)

3 August 2015 - Shawn Brooks releases a song called Matter of Time that was written sometime in 2014 by Liz.

Notable lyrics include:

She’s got me lovestruck, crazy Going out of my mind She’s got me lovestruck, crazy But sooner or later, she’s gonna be mine It’s just a matter of time

Don’t know what this means for Liz or TayLiz, since Liz has been with Bryan since early 2013 at the latest, but this is very gay and fun.

27 August 2015 - Thirst tweet:

31 August 2015 - Liz calls Taylor sexy in response to the Wildest Dreams MV:

15 October 2015 - Liz tweets about Better Than Revenge:

28 October 2015 -  Liz quote tweets Taylor about OOTW acoustic:

11 November 2015 - Liz responds to Caitlin’s tweet tagging Taylor about nostalgia:

9 December 2015 - Liz congratulates Taylor on her Grammy noms:

13 December 2015 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz wishes her HBD:

29 January 2016 - Liz says her favorite song from 1989 is This Love:

15 February 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend UMG’s Grammys afterparty at the Ace Hotel Theater :

26 February 2016 - Liz posts a TBT to Charleston:

16 April 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend Coachella:

6 May 2016 - Liz tweets about This Love:

10 May 2016 - Liz possibly writes STFU and Hold Me (likely about Bryan, since he’s out on tour with the woman he’s going to leave Liz for, signaling to me that their relationship is on the fritz):

4 August 2016 - Liz posts a throwback to the Vogue photoshoot at the Bowery.

3 September 2016 - Liz and Bryan’s last interaction on Twitter:

(Bryan had been on tour with Jillian -- who he’d later marry -- and tweeting at her all summer, much more than he’d been tweeting with Liz). It’s important to note the way their relationship ended for when we start studying who Liz’s songs are about.

26 November 2016 - Liz tweets about Clean, possibly signaling her and Bryan have broken up by this point:

13 December 2016 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday with a post about Charleston (captions vary based on site). This also signals to me that her and Bryan are over, since she’s reminiscing on Taylor picking her up off the ground after her breakup with Jason:

11 July 2017 - Liz tells a fan that You Are In Love and All Too Well are her favorite songs from 1989 and Red (guess her favorite song is no longer This Love…):

11 August 2017 - Liz releases STFU and Hold Me:

This MV has a LOT of parallels to the IKYWT video. The lyrics talk about “staring with a bang” (”took off faster than a green light go”?), and reckless abandon (”this path is reckless”). MV parallels are as follows (thank you @mercuryonparklane​ for all the help finding this):

(notice the key necklace?)

So, either Liz is lowkey ripping off Taylor’s work or she’s trying to signal that she was the muse for IKYWT. However, considering Liz is deliberately trying to keep her image separate from Taylor, it doesn’t make any sense that she would try and rip her off. Of course, it could just be a big coincidence...

30 September 2017 - In an interview with The Young Folks, Liz says that STFU and Hold Me is about “getting to that point in a relationship where you’re sick of going around and around talking about the same issue with your partner and it’s time to wave the white flag,” Huett says. “We’ve all been there.”

Of the lyrics “I’m coming from a line of problems / I was born and I became a product” Liz says “I’m not exactly the most polished person. I’d rather be real than perfect and sometimes that means I say things that make people uncomfortable or act out in relationships and test limits, etc… I’m an honest mess but I believe I can and should be loved in light of that. :)”

I still think this song was written about the end of her relationship with Bryan, but it’s still interesting to see how Liz describes herself in relationships.

27 October 2017 - Liz releases H8U

This is another song that I think was written about Bryan. The lyrics reference taking another woman to a Tom Petty concert (Liz LOVES Tom Petty) and generally moving on quickly with another woman, which seems apt for the Bryan/Jillian situation going on.

HOWEVER, the lyrics also reference “our first date two years ago,” which doesn’t make any sense, since Liz and Bryan didn’t break up until 2016 and were together since early 2013. So it could maybe be lyrically about Taylor.

I do think the MV makes a deliberate Taylor reference, though, with the interrupting the wedding scene. Taylor famously had Liz dress as the Bridezilla on the Speak Now album art:

And, at the end of the H8U MV, Liz DOES kiss the blonde bride on the mouth after interrupting her wedding... which is... INTERESTING (especially since Liz is dressed in full RED the whole MV):

I don’t think it’s a stretch to presume Liz could’ve reversed their roles here. IDK.

9 November 2017 - Liz makes her “H8U, love these” playlist on Spotify, which features All Too Well.

1 November 2017 - Liz obsesses over Reputation:

15 November 2017 - Taylor posts an IG story with photos of her Liz and Caitlin in Australia in the background:

13 December 2017 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday:

20 December 2017 - In a now deleted tweet Liz obsesses over New Year’s Day

6 April 2018 - Liz releases Don’t LV U Anymore. Here are some interesting lyrics:

I don't steal your chapstick anymore / Don't wake up to your kiss anymore / And I don't have a washer and dryer full of guitar picks anymore / 'Cause you don't come over to my place anymore / Don't flirt with my roommate anymore / And I don't run to your friends / To get them on my side when we fight anymore / And I never say it / I keep it inside / But maybe I'm wasted / Or maybe it's time to get this off my chest, babe / ... / I don't love you anymore / But I don't love you any less / I don't play you my songs anymore / To see if they're good anymore / You don't tell me your secrets / 'Cause you don't know if I keep them to myself anymore / I don't go to church anymore / Don't know what to believe anymore / And I don't remember the beat of your heart / The smell of your car anymore / ... / Two years and counting / Still got all this weight on my chest / Two years and counting / And I can't remember what I can't forget

Based on the “two years and counting” line, as well as the line about a washer and dryer of guitar picks, I’m inclined to believe this is another song about Bryan. 

However, it is a really similar sentiment to that Civil Wars song Liz posted back when her and Taylor first ended things, and the line about running to get friends on a side when fighting is very similar to the “you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends talk to me” in WANEGBT and the image in Battle/Let’s Go of all their friends standing around watching them fight. Could go either way.

9 April 2018 - Liz reposts a Facebook post announcing Dammit that implies it was written a while ago. But we already knew that.

19 May 2018 - Reputation in Pasadena. Liz attends. Surprise Song: All Too Well. Camila Cabello is the opening act.  

27 May 2018 - Liz gives an interview at Bottlerock festival where she says that Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus is a song she used to get over someone (likely Bryan). She also says Havana was the song she last had stuck in her head -- probably because Camila performed it at Taylor’s show the previous week.

14 March 2019 - Liz makes a happy birthday post for Antoni (who’s dating her friend Trace):

27 April 2019 - Bryan and Jillian get married:

3 May 2019 - Liz releases Nothing Personal:

This feels like DIRECT BRYAN SHADE, since she released it right after his wedding. However, you definitely could also read it as being about being let go from The Agency.

Early May 2019 - Taylor shoots YNTCD. Her and Antoni bond over their love of The National (keep in mind Taylor would end up asking a member of the National to work on exile with her):

17 June 2019 - Liz likes Taylor’s post announcing YNTCD is out:

26 June 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of unreleased song “One of These Days” with the caption “i’m emo” Lyrics:

One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / One of these days when I get sober too / I’ll be flying high you know / Gonna say I told you so / One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won’t have to cry anymore / Someday soon, when I / When I get over you / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / One of these nights you won’t be in my dreams / I will lay this love to rest / I will miss you in this bed / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won't have to cry anymore / Someday soon, someday / When I get over you

More evidence that Liz does, indeed, struggle with the things that Reddit post suggested.

14 August 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of an unreleased song called “I Wanted It to Be You” with the caption “I really did” and a red rose emoji. Lyrics:

I’ll find someone else to take your place / In no time at all I’ll be okay / So you don’t have to say it babe / We don’t have to cry / ‘Cause I know you got shit to do / And baby so do I / I’ll find someone else to take your place, hey / I wanted it to be you I’m closing down the bar with / I wanted it to be you I’m fighting in the car with / Who I could push away / Come back and beg to stay / Ooh, I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it / I wanted it to be you

Likely for Bryan BUT maybe a red rose grew up out of frozen ground with no one around to tweet it (lol I’m joking the lakes is very likely not about Liz).

22 August 2019 - Taylor releases the Lover MV, featuring the “breakable heaven” board game:

In the bottom left corner, you can spot a blue 0527. May 27th is Liz’s birthday. What does this mean? I don’t know. I absolutely do not know, but whatever it is is driving me INSANE.

28 August 2019 - Liz posts on Twitter a screenshot of her listening to Cornelia Street:

16 October 2019 - Liz comments on a fan’s video of Taylor performing at the NPR Tiny Desk concert saying “she cute”:

19 November 2019 - Liz says on IG that her favorite songs from Lover are The Archer and Cornelia Street:

22 November 2019 - Liz releases That’s What You Get. This is the one late-stage Liz song that I FULLY BELIEVE is about TayLiz due to a few very specific lyric parallels:

“That’s what you get when you recklessly fall in love” >> “This path is reckless” from Treacherous

“That’s what you get for keeping your armor up” >> “You come around and the armor falls” from State of Grace >> “I would put my armor down if you said you’d rather love than fight” from Story of Us.

“And all your friends are lining up to hate me” >> “You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me” from WANEGBT >> “First shot’s fired everybody’s gathered around” from Battle >> “I can't run to your friends anymore / To get them on my side when we fight anymore” from Don’t LV U Anymore.

It also, just from an outside perspective, doesn’t make any sense for Liz to write a breakup song about Bryan blaming herself when it seems very clear to me that they broke up because Bryan wanted to be with Jillian instead. That’s not her fault. So either this is about another breakup (I’d guess Taylor, based on the lyric parallels), or she’s just very very self-loathing and won’t let herself think it’s Bryan’s fault (which both H8U and Nothing Personal don’t suggest to me).

25 November 2016 - Liz posts a video on her IG story about Taylor at the VMAs.

6 December 2019 - Liz talks about That’s What You get with Earmilk and gives an interesting quote: 

Huett explains, “This song is about facing myself after a brutal season of running from it... I made a self-destructive choice that hurt someone I really value. The angle of the chorus is really sort of a letter to me after that first long look in the mirror. It SUCKED. However, in owning my shit (and sharing this song) my hope is that listeners might apply the sad lesson without having to learn the hard way, or, if they’ve ever found themselves in the regretful position I was once in, I hope this song can at least make them feel less alone."

This is SO DIFFERENT fro mhow her relationship with Bryan ended, but matches up so well with Liz getting help and owning her shit after spiraling in 2012.

24 July 2020 - Folklore drops. Two of the songs are written by the mysterious William Bowery. One of those songs is Betty -- a popular nickname for Elizabeth. Liz tweets at Taylor about the 1 because all of Taylor’s exes wanna think that song is about them.

So, IN CONCLUSION: Liz got help and worked through her shit and they’re on good terms now. They were possibly working on something together in 2015, although that never saw the light of day as far as we know. Liz seems to maybe be referencing Taylor in her music and MVs, but there’s no way to know for sure. Better Than Revenge on the Speak Now Tour was an iconic moment of sapphic energy, and maybe, just maybe, when Taylor re-records her masters, Liz will sing backup for her again.

Thanks for reading!

[relaxedreptile]

Mend

Pairing: Hyunjin X Reader

Swearing. Jealousy. Mentions of a breakup.

A/N: This idea sort of just... came to me a few days ago and I busted this out. It’s a bit heavier and more angsty than I wanted, but I hope you all like it! 

I’m still working on a very long piece for Hyunjin and a few more requests in my asks, please look forward to what’s coming!

Also, what do you all think of GO LIVE? Personally, I’ve had it on repeat since it came out!

Stay cool.

-

“Hey! I know we planned on hanging out tonight but Changbin and I are kind of on a roll here with this song of ours and the deadline is only in a couple days so we’re really desperate to keep this going and-“

“And you won’t be coming home to watch a horror movie with me?”

“Or a cheesy rom-com, we never really decided.”

You and Chan were best friends. After showing up to your first day at your shared university, Chan was introduced to you as your tour guide during freshman orientation. While everyone else in your group hung back and anxiously glanced around at the foreign environment, you and Chan instantly hit it off and continued a conversation at the front of the crowd for the entire tour. 

He told you about growing up in Australia and his love for music (you tried to hide your giggle when he mentioned him and his friends’ Soundcloud endeavors) whereas you talked about all the classes you were taking and your dream career.

Meeting Chan took a lot of pressure off of your shoulders when it came to starting at a new school and embarking on a new stage of your life. Not only did he restore your faith in nice people still existing, but he gave you advice on teachers, told you the best places to hit up for snacks during a late night study session, and you got to meet all of his friends.

You got to meet Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was your age, two years younger than Chan, and one of Chan’s honorary brothers. They met through Minho, another boy in the group, who was partnering with Hyunjin on choreography and went to Chan for music to use. 

Honestly, you’d be surprised if anyone met your eight stray boys and didn’t want to get close to them; their charm is hard to resist.

And, unfortunately for you, so is Hyunjin’s.

You occasionally saw each other when the nine of you hung out as a group, greeting each other upon arrivals and exits, waving when you saw each other on campus. Soon, that grew into you guys gravitating towards each other at hangouts (sitting next to each other and sharing a bowl of popcorn on movie night, stepping out for fresh air together during one of Jisung’s big parties) and making plans on your own without the rest of the boys. It was no surprise to the rest of the group when Seungmin called you while you were on your first official date with Hyunjin and had to explain what you were doing (and why you would have to hear about how annoying Jisung was being at another time).

You and Hyunjin’s relationship, despite your fears, didn’t disrupt the dynamic of your friend group. Splitting your guys’ time between dates and takeout dinners with the boys was easy and your lives almost barely changed once you became official.

Which was the problem.

While behind closed doors you and Hyunjin were as “lovey-dovey” as they come (“get a room, you two!”), the rest of your college campus just saw you two as the best friends you had been for the months between meeting and getting together.

It left a sour taste in your mouth every time someone asked if you could hook them up with Hyunjin and it was like a punch to Hyunjin’s throat every time someone made a suggestive comment about how you looked that day in front of him.

It was what eventually broke you guys up, all the jealousy and occasional bickering over people who were “just friends”. You two were the only people on each other’s radar through and through, but insecurity is a powerful thing.

It was a rough breakup. You didn’t leave your room for a full 29 hours (Jeongin timed it) and finally walked out with a tear-streaked face and hoodie (that may or may not have been Hyunjin’s). 

Hyunjin poured everything he was feeling into his dancing and his performance at your university’s end-of-year showcase almost had you tearing up all over again; everyone was moved by Hyunjin’s choreography, but you were the only person in the audience who knew the whole story and therefore, felt it the most. 

The slight distance between you and all the boys that summer after your freshman year had ended had worked to ease some of the lingering tension between you and your ex-boyfriend. The two of you were able to grow back into a friendship once the new fall semester reunited the nine of you but things could never really go back to the way they used to be, regardless of the presence or absence of romance.

That didn’t stop either of you from staying close to the other boys and you and Chan were still as inseparable as ever. He was hard at work right now, trying to wrap up his and Changbin’s senior project (Jisung is still pissed that he isn’t allowed to help), but you two had decided to hangout tonight to make up for Chan’s busy schedule.

“Are you sure you won’t be back anytime soon? I can wait,” your tone was pleading.

You could hear Chan talking, but it was too muffled to make out what he was saying; you figured he was speaking to Changbin.

“Tomorrow’s the only day of the week that Changbin doesn’t have an 8-am, so he wants to stay here no matter what but all of our work is on my laptop and I kind of need that tomorrow for my 8-am but he probably won’t be awake early enough to-”

“You owe me, Christopher.” You only ever used his English name to tease him. This way, he would know you weren’t actually mad, even if your disappointment was genuine. 

You hung up while Chan was mid-apology, shooting him a quick test saying you “got it” with a couple of hearts.

Your phone was left discarded on Chan’s kitchen counter as you munched on a piece of pizza; you had made it to Chan’s apartment about fifteen minutes before he called and you weren’t really in a rush to go back to your small stuffy dorm room and loud roommate.

Chan lived in an apartment off-campus with Changbin and Jisung which acted as an unofficial go-to for your friend group; one of you was usually sleeping on the couch, taking advantage of the insanely fast WiFi, or clearing out their fridge regardless of the actual owners were home.

This was the reason why you didn’t look up from your sad dinner when you heard the front door open, assuming it was just a pouty Jisung or hungry Felix.

However, the voice that greeted you was neither as animated as Jisung’s nor deep as Felix’s.

“Y/N?”

The final piece of the crust almost got stuck in your throat.

You hummed a response, still chewing and starting to formulate an escape plan.

“Is Changbin here? He left his notebook at my place and I think there are some lyrics in it, he told me to drop by to give it to him.”

You gaped at Hyunjin, surprised at how similar your situations were. Your explanation of what Chan had said was quick, hoping it would get Hyunjin out of the apartment as soon as possible.

It’s not that you didn’t want to be around Hyunjin, it’s just that you two hadn’t hung out alone since your breakup and the two of you hanging out together in this apartment at this counter was a little too familiar.

“Do you mind if I wait with you, then? I’ve barely eaten all day and this pizza smells a little too good to ignore.”

He was already seated in the stool next to yours before you could get a word out. You nodded anyway, though, and pushed the stack of paper-thin napkins the pizza place had given you between the two of you.

“Have Chan or Changbin showed you the song so far?” Hyunjin said with a mouthful of cheese and tomato sauce.

Even while eating he looked perfect; his lips glistened with the oil from the pizza slice in his hands and anyone could admire his toned forearms thanks to the way he pushed up his sleeves to avoid staining.

“No, but I haven’t even bothered asking,” you told him, “I figured they were keeping everything top-secret until the showcase.”

“I tried bringing them some food the other day before class and Changbin basically shoved me back out the door,” Hyunjin giggled. “The same thing happened to Jeongin, apparently.”

“If they could resist Yang Jeongin what chance do I have?” You joked.

Except, Hyunjin didn’t laugh, he was completely silent; even his chewing had stopped. You couldn’t think much of it, the boy next to you snapped out of it quickly.

“I keep forgetting that they won’t be here next year.”

They, Chan and Changbin and Minho, the three seniors in your friend group. 

“I’ve been avoiding thinking about it,” you admitted. “I’m mostly worried for Jisung, honestly, he’s losing his best friend and his group-mates all in one year.”

This was partly true. Jisung’s best friend, Minho, was indeed graduating along with 2/3 of 3RACHA, but you weren’t worried about Jisung having to adjust to the change. It was actually Hyunjin you worried for the most; he was the most sensitive person in your friend group and tended to be apprehensive towards change. Not seeing three of your favorite boys around campus was going to be hard for all remaining six of you, but Hyunjin was terrified of being left behind or replaced. 

“But… but they’ll still be living here!” You quickly added, gesturing to the apartment the two of you were in. “They’ll still be here with us, really.”

“I’m going to have to find a new partner,” Hyunjin tried masking his sadness with a weak smile.

Your instincts kicked in, making you place a gentle hand on Hyunjin’s arm. You stroked your thumb back and forth along his sweatshirt, hoping he could feel the comforting gesture underneath all the fabric.

“Didn’t Felix tell you? He’s planning on switching his major after this year! He wants to go into dance, too.”

Hyunjin turned his body to face yours, your hand losing its grip and falling back down to your side.

“He’s changing his focus at the end of sophomore year?” 

You shrugged. “It was his last chance to do it. You know how much he hated finance.”

Hyunjin nodded. “He only kept up with that for as long as he did for his parents; I’m glad he finally has the chance to do what he’s always wanted to.”

You were in agreement there; Felix had finally prioritized his own happiness.

“And this way you don’t have to worry about a new partner!” You tried sounding hopeful, knowing that while Felix would be a healthy addition to the dance department at your university, Hyunjin would take losing Minho hard; he was basically his mentor.

“And… and I’ll still be here. When-If you need me.”

The two of you locked eyes. Fear rose up your spine, chilling your skin and leaving a trail of goosebumps.

With a flash of his pretty smile, Hyunjin instantly calmed your nerves.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

You cocked your head to the side, not sure what Hyunjin was getting at. 

He turned away quickly, starting to fidget with the pretty rings on his pretty fingers. 

“With Chan leaving and all.”

“Oh. I mean… I’ll obviously miss him like everyone else, but he won’t be too far away. As long as he gives me my movie nights I’ll manage.” You joked.

Hyunjin glanced back up at you, his eyebrows slightly scrunched in thought.

“Was this a date?”

You visibly jumped back into your seat. “What?”

“For you and Chan.”

“Oh. Wait, what?”

The boy in front of you got up off his stool, walked a few steps away from you, crossed his arms and stopped.

“I thought you two were a thing now. You had always been so close and I thought… since we… after I… I figured you guys would’ve made it official by now.”

“Hyunjin… Chan and I are just friends.” What had gotten into him? “That’s all we’ve ever been.”

“Are you sure?” Hyunjin’s voice was getting louder, his fists getting tighter.

You opened your mouth to respond with a little attitude, but Hyunjin beat you to it.

“I know you weren’t planning on finishing this pizza all by yourself and people don’t usually go on movie dates,” he scowled while saying the words, “alone.”

“I never called it a date, you’re the one who started using that word.”

“Well, what else am I supposed to think? When you and I started spending time together without the other guys we were dating within weeks and you and Chan have always been basically inseparable-”

“Is that what this is actually about?”

“-and it doesn’t help that you always wear his sweatshirts around now or crash at his place all the time. You’re practically throwing it in my face-”

“There’s nothing to throw in your face, Hyunjin.”

“-that I’ve been replaced!”

Hyunjin regretted the word as soon as it left his pretty lips. He started blinking quickly and licking his lips, anything to distract him and keep him from running his mouth again.

“Replaced?” You repeated. “I… I haven’t… I’m not trying to replace you, Hyunjin.”

Silence.

“All eight of you guys have your own place in my life, they can shift and change regardless of what the other ones are doing. And, frankly, you’re making it sound like I’m just trying to check all of you off of a list, as if I’m here solely to get with you guys at one point or another.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Hyunjin said quickly. “It’s just… all I do is think about us and what we had whenever I see you. And right now, I see Chan in the same places that I used to be and it hurts. It really fucking hurts!”

Hyunjin’s eyes were wet, the dim kitchen light reflecting off the trails down his cheeks.

“I thought I would be able to deal with the breakup better if we kept our distance but when summer ended and we came back… all of a sudden, the spots next to you on the couch were always already taken, you were already partnered with someone else in class before I could even get halfway to your seat, I felt… I feel like you don’t need me anymore, that I’m a random leftover piece next to a puzzle that’s already finished.”

You forced yourself not to point out how these fears that both of you shared were what pushed your relationship to its breaking point. Now wasn’t the time.

“I thought that the distance was best for both of us,” you started. “But… I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, miss what we had. I miss you, Hyunjin, I miss us. We were friends before we started dating and I thought that that meant it was possible for us to revert back to that stage in our relationship but every joke you made or smile you gave me just kept my feelings for you right where they were.”

You got up slowly, inching towards the sniffling boy.

“Of course I still need you,” you whispered, “I want you in my life.”

Your arms wrapped around the neck of the boy you loved, pulling him close into your body as your shared tears left their mark on your clothes. 

“There’s always a space for you when it comes to me, whether or not that’s a good thing. You don’t have to compete with anyone for my time or love.”

You both knew you weren’t just speaking about Chan or even the rest of your friend group but also the people around campus and in the city who had caused such an insecurity to grow within both of you.

“We have a lot to work on, don’t we? If this is going to work?”

You didn’t answer, you couldn’t, you just squeezed Hyunjin tighter to give yourself the courage you knew you would need in preparation for what would come with the future.

The future with Hyunjin by your side.

[connorandersons-blog]

Let’s Give them Something to Talk About

Rating: Explicit Word count: 7039   Ship: RK1000 (Connor/Markus) Chapter: 1/5

Summary: The Jericho team plus Connor need to think up a way to distract the public from the fact that North punched a very important human. What better way than the Deviant Leader dating the Deviant Hunter?

Thank you to @gavincantreedthis for beta reading this!

--------------------------------

Markus paced back and forth, rubbing his hands against his forearms. Connor couldn't blame him, he was stressed too. North had punched a very important man (rightly so, but still) and now public opinion was going down. 

The thing was, everyone still thought Markus and North were together. So, they had to find a way to draw attention away from North and the possibility that Markus condoned it because of their supposed dating. 

There were a few options, but none seemed to be dramatic enough. Since androids could now legally marry, the population had been asking when Markus was going to propose to North. 

Connor hated it. It was putting pressure on Markus where there shouldn't be. He shouldn't have to worry about breaking the news to the public now and have it backfire. Or have people assume it was because of the punch. 

Then the door slammed open and North, Josh, and Simon came in. North was stomping her way in while Simon and Josh moved much more silently. 

"Those fuckers are saying I punched him ‘cause he was flirting with you! Ugh!" North said, throwing her hands into the air. "I may have kissed you that one time but like, ew! I literally have a girlfriend now." 

Right, Connor had introduced Tina and North together after he overhead Tina commenting about how amazing North was one too many times. 

They hit it off incredibly well and it didn't take long for the two to kiss and get together. Connor felt like a proud parent whenever the two were around each other. 

"I know, we need a distraction. Something to make them forget about that. Just coming out with the full story won't do any good," Markus sighed, finally sitting down next to Connor. 

It had taken Connor awhile, but he now felt comfortable enough to place a soothing hand on Markus's back.

Markus was the type to seek out physical contact while Connor generally shied away. It wasn't like he had the best history with being touched. After all, it was generally someone punching him or Hank's rare hugs. 

He did his best to at least pat people on the shoulder, but even then it was a bit awkward. The only two people he felt even remotely comfortable touching without explicit permission was Hank and Markus. 

Markus sighed and leaned into the touch, smiling slightly at Connor. It's hard not to smile back when someone like Markus is smiling at you. 

"You two could say you're dating," Simon said, making Connor practically jump out of his synthetic skin. 

He pulled his hand back like he had been shocked (which is entirely possible actually) and sat up straight. 

North made a small sound, nodding her head. "That's not drastic enough, but I think this could work." 

"North," Markus said, squinting at her. She waved him off, still clearly thinking. 

"You need to get married." 

"What?!" Connor and Markus said this at the same time. 

It made North snort and glance at the other two. "It makes sense. You announce that you're engaged to Connor, and explain that we split up right after the revolution. People will eat this up. Deviant Hunter fell for the Deviant Leader himself." 

Connor hated to admit it, but this might actually work. He was sure he could make it believable but this would end three ways. 

The first was that they staged a breakup before or after they actually got married. The second was they let it slowly die out until no one even cares anymore. And the last was that they actually stayed married. He highly doubted the last would happen, but statistically speaking, there's always a chance for unlikely events to take place. 

"I don't want to do that to Connor, it's unfair. If it just affects me that would be fine, but I don't need to drag anyone into this," Markus said, shaking his head. 

That was sweet, but Connor would do anything to help them. He fucking stormed the Cyberlife tower single-handedly for crying out loud! "I'm in if you are." 

Markus snapped his head around to stare at Connor, who could only shrug. "No, we can think of something else." 

"If it's me that's the problem, then I'm sure Simon wouldn't mind," Connor said, trying to play it off as chill. Admittedly it did hurt somewhat. He didn't have feelings for Markus in that way but he wasn't opposed to the idea either. 

Was Connor really that unlovable? 

It must have shown on his face because Markus was quick to put his hand on Connor's knee. "It's not that. I don't want to make you uncomfortable and lose you as a friend." 

"You won't lose me. From my calculations, it'll only take over a month until this dies down. We announce our engagement and jump right to a wedding if you really want to distract people." Though, the whole world was focused on them and everything they did. 

"It's not a bad idea, Markus. If you're both willing then I don't see the problem." Josh finally spoke up. 

That seemed to do it for Markus as he nodded. "Alright, but he can't just rush into this. We have to plan this out in a way that feels natural and not like a purposeful distraction." 

"Yeah. Maybe let the news 'catch' the two of you on a date, holding hands. Make it look like you're hiding it," North suggested. 

Hold hands, Connor could do that. Maybe even a small kiss on the cheek, nothing too crazy. 

"Then maybe they can catch you making out. Oh! Maybe against a wall. Not sure who'd be the top but you guys can figure that out." North said, flapping her hand like it was no big deal. 

In reality, it was a really big fucking deal. But he didn't have to think about it too much right now. It wasn't like they were going to be caught doing that anytime soon. 

Markus's eyes went wide and he started rubbing his forearms again. A nervous tic, Connor noted, but didn't think too hard on it. He was nervous too, so it didn't mean anything. "Are you sure? Maybe they can just catch us on a few dates then we announce our engagement." 

North quickly shook her head. "No, you have to work up to it. Small dates first, make the media think they are catching something secret. Then start getting bolder. If someone full-on interrupts you then you can try to play it off or convince them not to tell anyone." 

"When the media really starts pushing and asking we wait just a bit longer before you two do your little engagement. You don't have to actually purpose out in public, but I can get you into a talk show to do it if you want." Josh said. 

Once again Connor hated how much sense it made. "We'll have to come up with the backstory. The fewer lies involved the better for believability. We can discuss who will do what later. It would be better if all of you knew the backstory too as you probably would have been there for most of it."

He still had his job as a detective but he was often working as Markus's bodyguard (even though he didn't want one) when cases were slow and he wasn't fully needed. 

"Alright, so North and I broke up after the revolution. You and I slowly got closer and closer." Markus says, glancing at Connor. "Oh, maybe we got together after that one conference." 

That made sense. Connor had been working as the bodyguard but a man still managed to get a shot at Markus. He thankfully didn't hit anything important but Connor couldn't stop blaming himself for weeks. It was totally reasonable that that's when they would have gotten together.  

"Alright, sounds good to me. How about how we told the others and PDA in front of them?" Connor asked, making mental notes. He didn't want to screw this up, it was too important. 

Markus thought for a second, eyes glazing over just slightly. "North would have caught us kissing. I probably would have been worried about hurting her feelings, but-" he easily got cut off. 

"But I don't give a shit as long as you're happy. Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone without your permission but you'd probably tell Simon and Josh that day." North shrugged. 

Oh, he'd need to inform Hank on the situation. Hank would be the first person he'd tell, and probably the only one if they were keeping it secret. "I'll let the Lieutenant know." 

Josh nodded along before speaking. "We can feed the media anonymous tips saying something like Markus is on a date but we don't know with who. Just enough that it gets them out there and looking." 

Alright, he could do this. North wouldn't get in trouble and the public opinion would go back up. Who didn't love a good secret romance? Well, a fake secret romance but no one else had to know about that. 

"We should start tonight. I can get you guys a reservation at that new restaurant, apparently, it's great for androids." Simon said. 

Tonight?! He thought he'd have more time to prepare. It wasn't like he's dated anyone before so he wanted to do some research. He didn't care if it was completely fake, he still wanted Markus to have a good time and not feel too awkward. 

Now, he was being told he only had until dinner time and he was kind of freaking out. He'd have to pick out a good outfit and maybe change his hair. 

Ok, maybe he was taking this a bit too far, but he wanted to be a good fake boyfriend. Markus deserved someone sweet and kind who loved him. Fake it till you make it right?

No, no that's not right. He was not making it anywhere. This would all die down and everyone would forget about the whole thing. They'd have their little 'break-up' and then they'd go back to just being friends. 

"Alright, Connor do you want to get ready and meet me back here? We can talk over boundaries before our… date." Markus said, flushing a slight blue. Connor was instantly so glad androids could blush after deviation. 

Markus was too cute for his own good. It's no wonder they won the revolution peacefully with Markus's charisma. Not to say that was the only thing, but it definitely helped. 

Fuck, now he was just staring at Markus. In a purely platonic way, of course, Markus was attractive, anyone could see that. "Right, I'll see you soon then." 

Markus gave a slight nod and smile before Connor stood up. North gave him a thumbs-up, and Josh and Simon tried to give him encouraging smiles. 

The ride back to Hank's was incredibly slow but that did give him time to do some research. He looked up tips to be a good boyfriend, what type of clothes to wear on a date, and small talk ideas. It wasn't much, but it was definitely a start. 

He no longer felt the need to knock on the door, so he just walked right in. At least he wasn't going through windows anymore, which Hank loved to bring up every chance he got. 

Sumo slowly got up to greet him, and Connor took that chance to compose his thoughts. He had no doubt that Hank would go along with this, but that didn't mean he wouldn't tease him relentlessly. 

"Didn't think you'd be back till later," Hank said, sitting on the couch and reading a book. It was one of his older ones that Hank had suggested (well, more demanded) he read after the revolution. 

Right, he could do this. "I've got a date tonight." Fuck. 

Hank's head instantly whipped around and the book almost fell from his hands. Ok, that was a little bit of a dramatic reaction, it wasn't like he was undateable. 

He just never found anyone he really wanted to be with, and no one ever fully understood him, android or otherwise. 

A few androids feared him while others put him so high on a pedestal that it was odd to even talk to them. The only androids he felt truly comfortable around were the leaders of Jericho. Because of that and his part, most people thought of him as a leader as well. 

"Alright, come sit. I need to hear everything and need to know if I need to kill someone." Hank said, putting his book down. 

The image of Hank threatening Markus was amusing but he had no doubt that he wouldn't do it. 

He did as Hank said and slowly sat down next to him. "Ok, well it's not exactly a date, but it is." 

Hank stared at him for a few seconds before waving him on to continue. 

"So you remember North punched that guy?" He asked and Hank gave him the 'bitch please' look that made him snort. "Well, we decided that there needs to be a distraction and they decided Markus and I would 'date' and get 'engaged'."

Hank sat there for a few seconds before facepalming. "Of course. Fuck, that might actually work though. So you have a fake date with Markus tonight?" 

Connor nodded and fiddled with his coin. "I do. I'm to get ready and meet him back at New Jericho so we can talk about boundaries." 

"Well, at least that's good. Just don't go falling in love or anything," Hank said, patting his shoulder. 

Connor huffed and rolled his eyes. "I won't, don't worry. We're just doing this to help out North and then we can break up or just let it die out." 

Hank sighed and shook his head. "Sure you won't. Alright, you better go get ready then for your date." 

"It's not actually a date, but I do need to get ready. If anyone asks, Markus and I got together after the conference where Markus was shot," Connor said, standing up. 

Hank gave him a hum and waved him off. Connor grinned in return and went to his room, closing the door behind him. 

He went through his closet, pulling out outfits and trying them on before huffing and pulling it all off. Nothing felt right for this. Markus had seen him in almost every form of dressing, from his work clothes to his pajamas. How could he make a bold impression? 

Oh, this might do. He pulled out a pair of men's black skirt pants, black lita high heel, and a men's solid black lace cut out patchwork button-up shirt. 

He put it all on and stepped in front of the mirror. He had to admit, he looked good, but something was still missing. 

He grinned at himself before running over to his desk and pulling out the eyeliner Hank got him after he expressed interest in it. He hadn't worn it out before, but he very much enjoyed putting it on. 

Once he was done he ran a hand through his hair, making it go back to its natural curly state. 

There, now he was ready. If nothing else then he looked good and everyone would be shocked. He loved experimenting with clothing and found that he loved dressing in all ways. 

Sometimes he'd dress more feminine, while others he tried to be more androgynous or masculine. He normally didn't dress too femininely when leaving the house, so only Hank really got to see him wear a skirt. 

He thought this look was more androgynous and he really hoped Markus was ok with this. He honestly didn't know why he liked dressing in different ways, but part of him was scared Markus would find it odd. Though, Markus is one of the most open-minded men he knew. 

Alright, he could do this. Just a fun night out with Markus. Maybe a little hand-holding and possibly even a kiss on the cheek. He had nothing to be nervous about, it wasn’t like it was real. 

He looked in the mirror one more time before leaving the room. In all, getting ready had taken an hour, which wasn't too odd for him. He preferred looking well dressed no matter what he was doing. 

He walked over to Hank and did a small twirl, showing off his outfit. "What do you think? Is it too much?" 

Hank's eyes went wide and he gave him a slight nod. "Not bad son. The makeup was a good choice. Markus is not gonna know what to do with himself when he sees you." 

Connor flushed blue but didn't hold back the grin. Hank may tease him but he was also incredibly encouraging and supported almost everything he did. (He did not support Connor licking evidence but whatever)

"Thank you! Alright, I should probably get going. I'll be back tonight but don't feel the need to wait up for me." Connor said, giving a few scratches to Sumo before going to the door. 

"Yeah, yeah. Have fun on your fake date kid," Hank said, giving him a thumbs-up before going back to reading. 

He did a bit more research on his way back to New Jericho and now felt confident enough to actually go on this date. If it was actually real, that is. 

He got a few stares on his way to where Markus stayed at New Jericho, but he took it in stride. He knew he looked good, so it didn't matter if other people thought he was weird. 

Markus's door was already slightly open (he'd have to go over safety protocols again) so he gave a slight knock before walking in. 

Markus was sitting on his couch looking just as stunning as always. He had his long jacket on with the black suit underneath. 

When Connor walked in his head snapped up and his mouth hung open just slightly. "Connor! Oh, wow you look… you look really good. Are you wearing makeup?" 

Connor shifted from foot to foot, nodding. "I am. I can change if my outfit isn't appropriate." He really didn't want to, but he would if need be. 

Markus quickly stood, shaking his head. "No! No, you're fine. I was just surprised is all. You look stunning." 

Connor blushed and his eyes darted around the room, trying to find something other than Markus to stare at. "Thank you. You look good too." 

There was a long awkward silence before Markus cleared his throat. "Right, we should talk about boundaries. I know we are doing this for North, but I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with." 

Markus slowly sat back down and patted the cushion beside him. Connor gladly sat, turning to face Markus. "I'll let you know if I am, but that goes for you too."

Markus grinned at him before staring down at his lap. "So I guess we should get the big one out of the way. How do you feel about kissing?" 

Connor's heart skipped a beat and he wished he had pockets so he could have had his coin with him. "I've never actually been kissed before, but I'm a quick learner." He hated admitting it like that. 

Sure he was interested in kissing people but work and helping his people always came first. 

It seemed Markus was beyond shocked because he just sat that silently for what felt like hours. "We don't… your first should be with someone you care about. I don't want to take that away from you." 

Oh, so that's what he was worried about. Could this man get any more perfect? "I don't mind, but I just didn't want to kiss you and it be horrible. I've tried to look it up but most say that practice with an actual living being is the key to success."

Plus it wasn't like he had anyone to practice on beforehand. There was no way in hell he was kissing Hank and he didn't really care about it too much anyway. It was just lips touching, he didn't see the significance to it. 

"Oh, well… do you want to? Like, can I? I don't want your first to just be out in public, I think it would be better to do it here. Or I can get Simon, Josh, or North for your first. I'm sure they'd all be willing." Markus said, looking between Connor and the couch. 

Connor huffed and reached over, pulling Markus to him and softly pressing their lips together. 

Markus didn't instantly pull away, instead, he brought a hand up to cup Connor's cheek. 

But then Connor pulled back, his heart beating a bit too quickly for his liking. For a first kiss, it wasn't the worst, but it wasn't the best either. 

His lips tingled slightly and he couldn't help but lick them. Markus's lips were soft but that was to be expected, they were made to be so after all. There was still something so… shocking about it but he couldn't place why. 

"Connor," Markus sighed out, still gently holding his head. Connor leaned into it and stared at Markus. "I, um, wow. Hopefully, that was good?" 

He nodded and grinned. "It was. So, kissing is alright with me if you're fine with it too." It was a nice feeling, and he'd actually like to do it again, but there was no one around that they'd have to fool. So he pulled back completely and Markus brought his hand back to his lap. 

"It's definitely fine with me. How do you feel about PDA? We'll have to do some but I won't do it too much if it makes you uncomfortable," Markus said. Honestly, Markus would make an exceptional boyfriend if this was real. 

"I'm fine with it as far as I know. I'll let you know if it does make me uncomfortable or I don't like something." He's only ever had platonic PDA but even then it was incredibly limited. 

Markus made a small pained sound. "Once this is over, are you still ok with PDA? If you don't want to be touched normally I won't, but if you do then you don't have to ask. You can just hold my hand or anything you want." 

Oh, that was an incredible offer. He had had the want to hold hands or ask for a hug but he always pulled back. He didn't know what was appropriate or wanted. "Thank you… can I hold your hand right now?" 

He offered his hand and Markus instantly took it, giving it a slight squeeze. Markus's hands were warmer than Connor's and slightly bigger too. They were incredibly soft but he also had a few calluses from painting and playing the piano. 

Part of him wanted to deactivate his skin so he could feel even more, but he decided against it. Holding hands was one thing, possibly interfacing while doing so was another. It was a bit too intimate for his liking. 

"Is this ok?" Markus asked, lacing their fingers together. Connor quickly nodded and lets out a soft sigh. 

This was definitely ok. It felt more grounding then he expected it to. "Yeah, it is." 

They sat there for a bit, Connor looking between Markus's face and their hands. 

"Oh, I do think this is important to say," Markus broke the silence. "When we do get-have to make out, it's totally fine if your body reacts a certain way. It's not odd and I'll do my best not to make it awkward if it does happen." 

Oh. Huh, it's a good thing Markus thought of that. He'd probably react and then everything would be awkward. It's good he got this out of the way now. "The same goes for you too. You don't need to feel embarrassed if it happens." 

Markus gave a slight nod. "Thank you. I am serious when I say that if anything, anything makes you uncomfortable you let me know. I won't hold it against you and you won't upset me at all." 

"Again, the same goes for you too. I'm planning on being the best fake boyfriend you've ever had." He said this with a wink. 

It got Markus to snort and shake his head fondly. "I'm sure you'd make an amazing boyfriend, and you'll make a great fake one too." 

Connor grinned and gave his hand a slight squeeze. This was going to be his easiest mission ever by the looks of it. Plus he'd get practice in dating so when he actually dates someone he won't be completely new too. It's a win-win situation. 

"Alright, if there's nothing else then we should get going to the restaurant. Josh said he sent a message to a news station. We need to be somewhat subtle, but only enough that they don't outright approach us." Markus said, moving his fingers around, making Connor giggle slightly. 

He wondered what his hands felt like. He probably had a few calluses himself from holding a gun. Were his hands as soft as Markus's? Did he actually like holding his hand? Was he making this weird by staring at their hands? He hadn't held hands before so he didn't know what was normal for it or not. 

"Connor?" Oh, right, he still hadn't replied yet. He blinked rapidly then looked up at Markus. 

"Alright, sounds good to me. Do you want to get a cab? I doubt you wanna ride my motorcycle." Connor said, standing up and using their connected hands to pull Markus up with him. 

He'd only gotten the motorcycle recently, but he absolutely adored it. He loved the feeling of the air on his skin, and taking turns a bit too fast. It was beyond exhilarating. 

"Actually, I'd love to if you'd be willing. I haven't ridden on one and I've wanted to since you got one." Markus replied, pulling Connor out and to the elevator. 

Connor swung their arms just slightly, smiling as he did. "Yes! I'd let you drive but I think it's best if you don't have to worry about that for your first time." 

Markus gave a nod and when they got to the parking deck, put the offered helmet on. Connor may drive a bit roughly but he always made sure he was safe.

Connor climbed on first and made sure Markus was steady as he got on behind him. "Alright, you're going to want to hold onto me at first. Once you're used to it you can just hang on slightly, but for now, don't be afraid to squeeze me." 

Funny enough Gavin was the one that made him truly interested in getting a motorcycle. Plus when he got one Gavin actually offered to show him how to drive it. That seemed to be their bonding moment and now they actually got along somewhat. 

Markus leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Connor, but didn't squeeze too hard. At least not until Connor started the motorcycle and revved it. Ok, so he may be showing off, but he was just proud of his bike. 

Markus clung to him as he drove, but other than that he didn't seem scared at all. From his breathless laughter, he seemed to be enjoying it quite a lot. 

Connor took them the long way and down streets, he knew he could get away with going a bit over the speed limit. He didn't want to push it too far, but he couldn't help it, this was just too fun. 

He parked the bike and got off, offering his hand to Markus who gladly took it. He seemed a bit uneasy on his feet but otherwise fine. 

Connor pulled his helmet off, running a hand through his hair to try to tame it somewhat. Markus was lucky he didn't have enough hair for a helmet to mess up. 

Once the helmets were off, Markus offered his hand to Connor who gladly took it. Then they walked into the restaurant and up to the hostess. 

"Welcome to La Récolte, do you have a reservation?" She asked before looking up. Her eyes went wide at the sight of Markus but she soon looked over at Connor and her jaw dropped. Quickly, she pulled herself together. 

"Table for two, for Markus Manfred and Connor Anderson," Markus said, leaning closer to Connor. 

 She tapped a few things into the computer before nodding. "Of course, Mr. Manfred, please come with me." 

 The two followed after her, not letting go of the other's hand even when they had to walk single-file. 

They sat down near the back so they wouldn't draw too much attention, but they still had a good view from the windows. 

Markus pulled out his chair for him without hesitation before sitting down across from him. 

"Can I start you off with a bottle of wine? We currently have a Meiomi Pinot Noir from California that I would suggest," she said while placing a menu in front of each of them. 

Connor didn’t want to let Markus go, but he did to look at the menu. "If it's alright with Markus," he said, looking up and locking eyes. 

Markus kept his eyes on him while he nodded. "That sounds amazing, we'll take a bottle of that. Feel free to bring out whatever appetizers goes best with it." 

The woman nodded before leaving almost silently. The two stayed still before Connor broke it by looking back down at the menu. 

"So, um what’s the best thing that has happened to you this month?" He couldn't stop himself from cringing at his own words. 

Markus snorted and leaned forward, batting his eyes. "Oh, definitely this. I've been wanting to finally take you on a real date since we got together." 

Connor had to hold back his laughter as he leaned in too. "You're too sweet. I'm glad we waited though, I was a bit nervous about possibly having too much attention on us." 

Markus reached out and gently brushed a curl out of Connor's face. Connor went completely still and his eyes widened slightly. 

Markus was staring at him so intensely that it made him want to squirm in his seat, but he kept still. "You have beautiful eyes." 

Connor's breath caught and he had to break eye contact. He knew it was fake but he didn't get complimented all that much. He'd get told he did a good job or that he was one of the best detectives, but this was different. It made his whole face flush and he bit his lip. "Thank you." 

Markus slowly pulled his hand back, but Connor missed the flashes of emotion that went across Markus's face. "Of course." 

He always thought Markus's eyes were beautiful but he never brought it up. He knew some of Markus's story and he knew he had to replace a few biocompents. It was probably traumatic so he avoided it altogether. 

"What do you like to do in your free time?" Connor blurted out when the silence got to be too much. 

Markus leaned back in his chair with a small grin. "You looked up conversation starters too, didn't you?"

Connor sighed out and nodded. "I did. I didn't want this to be awkward since this isn't re-uh since it's our first date out in public." He's glad he caught himself, but that was a little too close for his liking. 

"Don't worry, I did the same. As for your questions, you already know baby. If you aren't at work then you're with me." Markus said with a small shrug. 

Connor made a small sound before he could stop himself. But it seemed Markus took that the wrong way as he instantly lowered his voice so only Connor could hear. "I'm sorry, is that too far?"

Connor quickly shook his head. "No, no it's fine. I just wasn't expecting it. As I said, I've never actually done this before."

 Markus sighed in relief and reached out to hold Connor's hand again. Just then a waitress comes over with the wine and appetizers which was a shrimp cocktail. 

The waitress poured their wine out before smiling at them slightly. "Do you know what you would like for the entree?"

Oh, he hadn't actually been reading the menu when he was looking at it. 

"We'll both have the Filet De Boeuf with Potatoes Au Gratin," Markus said, easily pronouncing each word perfectly. The waitress nodded, and when Markus didn’t add on, silently left. 

The two kept their hands intertwined on the table while using the other hand to sip at the wine and eat. It's definitely some of the best food he'd ever had. 

He moaned softly before slapping his hand over his mouth. "I'm so sorry. My processors are much more sensitive on my tongue and it just tastes really good." Wow, he was fucking up a date that wasn't even real! 

"It's fine! I'm glad you're enjoying the meal. I wouldn't be a good boyfriend if I let you eat something disgusting." Markus said, taking a slow sip of his wine. 

Connor couldn't help but notice a few people glancing their way. It was almost definitely Markus. It would be like the Queen of Britain going into a restaurant, everyone would notice at some point. He was just too recognizable. 

Connor did notice someone bringing out their phone and he quickly snatched his hand back and put it under the table. They were being a bit too obvious with the hand holding. 

Markus frowned but quickly looked around and saw what Connor did. Right, they weren't here just to have fun. They both had a mission to accomplish. 

The two went about their dinner and thankfully avoided any more awkward silences and bad conversation starters. 

They already had so much to talk about and even if there was a lull in the conversation it never put Connor on edge. 

It was also quite fun to fake flirt with Markus in the silliest ways. They'd make jokes that others wouldn't understand and then use those to throw in some flirting. 

The entrees were just as good as the appetizers and before they knew it they had finished their meal. They both decided to skip dessert and Markus paid for the meal. Connor had tried. but Markus had reached out first when it was offered. 

The two left the restaurant full and happy, smiling wider than they had in awhile. 

Connor felt something odd and discreetly looked around before finding what made his skin itch. They were being followed. Probably by a journalist, so that was good. This is what they wanted. 

Connor laced his fingers through Markus's and walked closer to him to whisper in his ear. "We're being followed. Don't do anything too dramatic." 

Markus gave a slight nod and turned his head to grin at Connor but also to look to where someone was indeed following them. 

The two kept walking to Connor's bike and Connor offered the helmet again. "I'll drop you back off at New Jericho?" 

Markus nodded and easily slid into the bike behind Connor, wrapping his arms around him again. This time one held him by his lower stomach and the other crept up to his chest. Markus rested his head on Connor's shoulder and gave him a slight squeeze. "It's too bad you can't stay the night. I was hoping to spend more time with you." 

Connor shivered slightly and subconsciously leaned back into Markus's warm embrace. He didn't know if the reporter could hear them, but even if he couldn't, whoever it was would probably be able to guess what was said. "I've got work tomorrow, you know that. I'll make sure to get some more free time soon." 

Markus sighed and Connor arched his back just slightly. Probably not enough to be noticeable by Markus, but that didn't mean it wasn't slightly embarrassing. He knew Markus said he shouldn't be embarrassed but it was hard not to be. 

He probably just reacted so easily because this was all new. If this wasn't then he'd probably be more cool and collected. 

"That's alright, as long as you give me a goodnight kiss." Markus chuckled and Connor started the engine. 

"I make no promises," Connor said before pulling out and getting into the street. There was plenty there to work with and he had no doubts that it would be all over the place by the morning. 

As promised he did drop Markus off at New Jericho but both seemed to be stalling a bit. Connor stayed on the bike, but Markus had gotten off and handed his helmet to Connor. 

"I really had a fun time tonight. We should spend more time together, just me and you." Markus says, rocking back and forth on his heels. 

Connor runs a hand through his fluffy hair with a chuckle. "Well, we're definitely going to be doing that more often now." 

 "Yeah, but real. As friends, you know? You're one of my closest friends but I sometimes feel like you keep part of yourself hidden around us, and me." Markus says, looking between Connor and the ground. 

Connor couldn't help but pause. "I… I sometimes feel like I don't know who I really am. I know what I was meant to be, but I'm not sure what that makes me now."

It was hard to get that out but when he did it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't know who he really was, but maybe that was normal. 

"You can be anything and anyone you want to be. The only requirement is that it makes you happy. If being a detective makes you happy, then do it. If not? Well, maybe you should find something that does?" Markus suggested, reaching out to take his hand again. 

"How do I know when I'm happy? There's just so many emotions and I can't always tell the difference. I know I feel something when I complete a case but what if that's just my programming? What if I'm more machine than alive?" He said, breath coming out in short puffs.

Then Markus pulled him into a hug, and, honestly, it was a bit awkward because of the bike. That didn't stop it from being one of the best hugs he's ever received. 

Markus hugged him like his life depended on it. It was like if he let go then they'd both drown, and Markus would never let that happen. He'd stay here forever if that's what Connor needed. 

"Connor, you can't get rid of your programming. It is part of you and that's ok. You don't have to embrace every part of it, but maybe there are small pieces you still like. Just because we are machines doesn't mean we can't also be alive." Markus said, slowly rubbing his back. 

Connor shook slightly in his hold. Markus was amazing and literally led a revolution, but that didn't make what he said exceptional. What got to him was that he knew Markus cared about him as a friend and he really meant it. He wasn't just saying it to make him happy, he was saying it because it was true. 

After a few minutes, Connor slowly pulled back slightly, no longer shaking. "Thank you, and I'm sorry I ruined our fake date with this." He said, trying to laugh it off. 

Markus took his face in his hands and looked at him dead on. "You didn't ruin anything, Connor. I'm so glad you opened up, and I'm always here for you. If anything you made the night even better." 

It was hard to argue with that when Markus was staring him down like he did while leading the revolution. It was so intense that it sent a small shock down his spine. "I… thank you." 

Markus smiled and gently brushed his thumb against Connor's cheekbones. It was so tender that it almost hurt and Connor didn't know why. 

Why it hurt and why Markus was holding him like he was the most precious thing on Earth. 

Why did this make his heart flutter and his stomach twist? He didn't even have a stomach! It frustrated him because he didn't know the cause. He didn't know why he wanted to run away but also get closer at the same time. 

Then Markus brushed his thumb against Connor's lip and he jumped slightly. "Sorry, you still owe me a goodnight kiss." 

"Markus!" Connor laughed, gently pushing at the other's chest. 

Markus grinned back and moved his hands down to rest on Connor's shoulders. "Alright, how about on the cheek then? Come on, you know you want to." Markus said, turning his head. 

Connor rolled his eyes but leaned in. Before his lips could touch Markus's cheek he had turned his head so his lips landed partly on his lips. 

"Markus!" Connor shouted again, not holding back his laugh. If anyone was looking out then they'd probably think this was real. Not that it wasn't, but it wasn't the way they'd think it was. 

"Sorry, it was just too easy. Everyone needs a little bit of Connor every now and then. I'm just lucky that you're comfortable enough to," Markus said, smirking at him. 

Connor flushed and broke eye contact, accidentally looking down to Markus's lips before snapping back up. "Yeah, yeah. I really should be getting home though. Hank won't go to sleep until I'm home safe no matter how much I try to tell him I'll be fine." 

He adored Hank but the man could be a little overprotective. He knew why and it was heartwarming but also sad. He really wished he'd gotten to meet Cole. 

Markus sighed and stepped back, arms falling to his sides. "Alright. I'll let you know when the next date is, alright? Please drive safe."

"You know I always do," he said with a wink before pulling his helmet on. 

Markus steps back and Connor revves the engine before glancing at Markus. 

"Goodnight babe," Markus called out with a wide grin. Connor snorts but he can't stop thinking about that grin for the rest of the night. 

[toohardtoforgetcth]

Too Hard To Forget

Chapter Seven

5,491 words

Warnings: just a lil’ fighting and swearing as per uje 

A/N: Hi hello pls forgive me for sad boy cal here have some of this enjoy love u all <3 

» » » » » »

Calum had been performing regularly three nights a week at The Wildflower for over a month, and despite the fact that he hated waking up to go to work every morning, he looked forward to every other night at the pub. It was his escape, a creative outlet, a place to channel all the frustration and pain, but also all the joy and passion he felt into music and share it with people who supported him. He had gained quite a few new followers, and many of the faces he saw at his shows continued to show up every week to see him play. It was the highest praise he could have asked for.

Calum had been buzzing from a particularly good show after sharing another original with the crowd, and he left with a high coursing through him that he only ever felt after a really good show. He had zoned out when he stepped out the front door, bumping into someone on the sidewalk and almost knocking them over.

“Fuck, sorry,” he mumbled, picking his guitar case up off the ground where he had dropped it. “I—” Calum looked up finally, making eye contact with the girl. Her eyes widened in surprise, stopping dead in front of him. Words had failed him—it had been three months since he’d seen her last, and his heart was doing flips in his chest.

“Calum, hi,” Parker said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other. “It’s been a while.”

They were standing close, close enough that Parker could smell his cologne and a flood of memories came rushing back to her. He looked good. He’d gotten a haircut, his hair almost short enough that you could barely tell he had curls. Parker remembered what it was like to run her fingers through it, and she was itching to do it now. Don’t you dare, she told herself.

She watched his eyes scan over her figure, bluntly admiring her and completely unashamed. Her brain was telling her to step back, that she was too close, but the signal didn’t seem to reach her feet, so she stayed rooted in place.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “How’ve you been?” he asked her, leaning to the right to rest his shoulder against the brick wall outside the pub.

“I’m okay,” she answered. Parker wanted to kick herself for telling him the truth. She had been seeing Owen for the past month and things were good, but she still thought about Calum. Every day. She didn’t want him to know that she never stopped thinking about him since the day he left her crying on her front porch. She knew it was wrong—she was with Owen now, and she shouldn’t still be thinking about Calum, but she couldn’t help it. “What about you?” Parker looked down, just noticing his guitar. “What’s with the guitar?”

Calum looked down to his case, then back up to Parker. “Uh, I play here, now. Couple nights a week,” he admitted.

Parker’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Wow, that’s—good for you,” she smiled, and Calum had almost forgotten how much he’d missed her smile. Not a day went by that he didn’t think about it.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “Gram and the boys talked me into it,” he chuckled.

Parker smiled. “How are they?”

“Boys are good, Gram’s really good,” he replied, smiling. “She came to a show the other night. I think it was too loud for her, though,” he laughed.

They stood in an awkward silence for a moment, before Parker spoke again. “Well, I should get going,” she trailed off, glancing behind him. “I’m supposed to meet Jenna,” she lied. She wasn’t sure why, but the thought of telling Calum she was going to meet her new boyfriend left a sour taste in her mouth.

“Yeah, okay,” Calum nodded. “See you around.” He picked up his case, moving to step around her and heading in the direction of the parking lot.

When he was a dozen feet away, she turned back to him. “Hey, Cal?” she called out.

He turned, and there was an expression on his face Parker couldn’t quite read. Expectant? Hopeful? She wasn’t sure. She opened her mouth, thought better of what she was about to say, and closed it again. She offered him a close-lipped smile. “It was good to see you again,” she said honestly. God, she missed him.

Calum smiled back. “You too, angel.” He hadn’t meant for the nickname he used to call her to slip out, but it did, and he wasn’t sorry. He watched a blush creep up her cheeks before she turned and walked away, and it gave him a small bit of satisfaction knowing he still had that effect on her.

• • • • • •

That night when Parker met up with Owen, he picked up on her visibly shaken nerves right away.

“Are you okay?” he asked her, concern drawing his brows together.

“Yeah,” she smiled. “I’m fine. Just—had a close call with another car on the road, and I’m still a bit shaken,” she lied easily.

He pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. “I’m glad you’re safe,” he murmured into her hair, rubbing her back.

He was so sweet. Thoughtful, caring, selfless. Parker liked Owen. She really did. He just—wasn’t Calum. She wouldn’t have hesitated to fall head over heels for him a few months ago. But things were different now. She couldn’t open her heart to Owen, because it didn’t belong to her—it still belonged to Calum.

» » » » » »

Calum was over at Gram’s for dinner after work, enjoying his favourite meal. Calum didn’t mind cooking for himself, and he wasn’t bad at it, but there was something special about someone else cooking for you. He loved Gram’s cooking, and she loved having someone else other than herself to cook for.

“Guess who I ran into the other night,” Calum mumbled over a mouthful.

“Young man, how old are you?” she chided. “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

He swallowed, grinning. “Sorry. I said, ‘guess who I ran into the other night’?”

“That’s better,” she nodded. “Who?”

“Parker,” he sighed.

“Oh,” Gram said, surprised. “And?”

“She looks good. She saw me coming out of The Wildflower and I told her about me playing there, but she left in a hurry.” Calum sighed deeply, moving his dinner around the plate with his fork.

“You miss her,” Gram said, though it wasn’t a question.

“Like crazy,” he admitted, meeting her eyes. “I fuc—” he stopped, correcting himself when he noted the disapproving look on Gram’s face. “Sorry. I messed it up,” he said. “She’s too good for me. And I hurt her.”

“Calum Thomas Hood,” Gram scolded, swatting him on the arm. “She is not too good for you. She was lucky to have you. You need to stop being so hard on yourself,” she said softly. “Look at how far you’ve come, and you did it all on your own. You have every right to be happy, too.”

“I still love her, Gram.”

“I know, dear. So why don’t you call her? Doesn’t hurt to try,” she said optimistically.

“Maybe I will.”

• • • • • •

When Calum got home that night, he spent the rest of the night fighting with himself about whether he should call her. Ultimately, he decided a text might be better. He hoped and prayed that she hadn’t changed her number. God knows he almost did, just so he wouldn’t be tempted to answer the phone every time she called him in the days following their breakup. It took everything in him not to pick up. He took a deep breath, and typed out a message:

Good to see you the other night, love. Wanna grab a coffee this week? Catch up?

His finger hovered over the send button, but he hesitated. He didn’t know if he could take being rejected by her if she didn’t feel the same way anymore. He was doing good, far happier than he had been when he was working at Rudy’s. But part of him still doubted that he could make her happy. So he erased the message and lay in bed, lonely, wishing he could wrap his arms around her.

» » » » » »

Parker hadn’t stopped thinking about Calum since the night she ran into him on the street. She looked him up on Instagram, closing out of his profile several times and going back to it after trying and failing to convince herself she shouldn’t be going down this road. His most recent post was from last night, a short black-and-white clip of him playing the piano, with a caption underneath that read:

working on some new music, come and see me at The Wildflower tomorrow at 9 for a sneak peek ;)

Parker checked the time—8:42. Before she could even think about what she was doing, she threw on a beanie and her jacket, hoping that if she stayed towards the back he wouldn’t notice her. She slipped through the doors at 8:56, and Calum was just getting his things set up on the little stage.

Parker made her way to a quiet corner where she could see Calum clearly, but his view of her would be obstructed by the three guys sitting at a table in front of her, which suited her perfectly. A server came to her table and asked if she was ready to order. She hadn’t planned on ordering anything, but the girl had an annoyed look on her face, so Parker ordered a drink to appease her, requesting that she bring the cheque with it so she could pay ahead and slip out quietly as soon as Calum’s set was done.

Parker was at a loss for words when Calum finished his set. She knew he was talented—he had played for her a few times when they were together—but it was like he was born to be up on stage. He had the entire audience’s attention from the beginning to the end, herself included. She almost passed out when he hopped off stage and started walking towards her. She was frozen in place, unable to react. Then he stopped at the table in front of her with the three men that had blocked his view, and sat down. Parker felt like an idiot when she realized that the guys at the table were Ashton, Michael and Luke, and she hadn’t even recognized them. She pulled the beanie down farther on her head and stood as quickly and quietly as she could, slipping around the corner and out the front door before they saw her.

What she didn’t know was that Calum had looked up when she stood, and he caught a flash of blonde hair and unmistakable grey eyes before she disappeared out the front door.

• • • • • •

When Calum was on stage tonight, he thought he had hallucinated when he saw Parker sitting behind the boys. Then, when he saw her leave, he couldn’t help but smirk at her complete failure at attempting to be subtle. He swelled with satisfaction that she had come to see him perform, but he would let her think that she escaped without being seen. For now. He slept easy that night, a small spark of hope ignited in his chest.

» » » » » »

Calum and the boys went out on Saturday night to celebrate John offering him another night a week at The Wildflower and finally making enough money to be able to quit his soul-sucking office job. They had gone for a late dinner and were now waiting in line to get into a club downtown. The bouncer took their IDs and stamped them, waving them in behind him. It took Calum all of seven seconds to spot her on the dancefloor, and his heart dropped in his chest.

There she was, beautiful as ever, dancing up close and personal with some dude, and she seemed to be enjoying it. Jenna was right next to her, dancing with someone, too.

Calum tore his eyes away, his celebratory mood suddenly soured. He wasted no time in heading to the bar, ordering two shots with his beer and downing them one after another. If he was going to enjoy this night, drunk was the only way it was going to happen.

• • • • • •

Calum had loosened up a bit after an hour or so. He was standing with Michael, waiting for Luke and Ashton to return from the bar with their drinks. The boys had been ordering one round of drinks after another, and Calum was feeling buzzed. He glanced over at Parker every so often, and the same guy was still glued to her.

“You’re being creepy, dude,” Michael nudged him in the side. “We can go somewhere else, if you want,” he offered.

Calum shook his head. “I’m fine. We’re here to celebrate,” he grinned, reaching into his jacket pocket and producing a joint. “Come outside with me.”

Michael rolled his eyes but he returned his best friends’ shit-eating grin, following Calum outside onto the patio.

• • • • • •

Calum placed the joint between his lips, pulling his lighter out of his pocket and inhaling deeply as he felt the familiar spark in his lungs. He held it in for a few seconds, exhaling a cloud of smoke before passing it to Michael. He did the same, and they passed it back and forth until there was nothing left but a roach.

“You think she’s with that guy in there?” Michael asked finally, nodding his head towards the door.

Calum leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. “I don’t know, mate. Kinda looks like it.”

“The world works in mysterious ways,” the blonde giggled. “Have patience. Patience comes to—no, good things have patience—fuck! What is it?”

Calum shot his best friend a quizzical look, and the two of them burst into a fit of laughter. Michael hardly ever smoked, and he turned into a blubbering idiot when he did. Calum could always count on Michael to make him laugh, even if it was usually at his expense.

“What I meant was,” Michael tried again after they had calmed down, “don’t give up yet. You’ve been through a lot of shit in your life. I figure eventually things are gonna have to work out for you, fate or destiny or karma or whatever the fuck it is, you know?”

Calum rolled his eyes at Michael’s less than articulate ramblings, but he appreciated the effort.

• • • • • •

Later on, long after Calum and Michael had made their way back inside, Calum caught sight of Parker. She was standing near the hallway leading to the bathrooms, talking to the blonde guy she had been dancing with earlier, her hand clasped in his. Calum watched as he kissed her on the cheek. So they were together, then. Then she smiled, though it seemed a little forced. This gave Calum a tiny bit of satisfaction. The guy dropped her hand as he pulled away and headed in the direction of the bar. Calum looked away, not wanting her to catch him staring—he wasn’t sure if she had noticed him yet.

He stepped outside for a smoke, feeling uneasy. He lit a second one when the first didn’t quite settle his nerves. Halfway through his second cigarette, the heavy metal door to his left opened, letting the loud music and hot air out with it. Calum smiled when a certain grey-eyed girl stepped out onto the patio. Everything happens for a reason. Isn’t that what Michael had said? Close enough.

“Hi, angel,” he spoke in a low voice, head back and eyes fixed ahead of him.

Parker jumped, looking to her right to see Calum leaned up against the wall, cigarette between his lips. “You scared me,” she giggled. Calum noticed right away that she was drunk.

He smirked. “Bit cold for a dress, isn’t it, love?”

She shivered. “Just needed some fresh air.”

“Blondie suffocating you?” he teased, though he had to admit it was really none of his business.

“Something like that,” she admitted. She shuffled closer and turned to him, surprised by her sudden urge to share personal details about her relationship with the man who broke her heart. “His name is Owen, by the way,” she started, but Calum interrupted her.

“No offense,” he replied, taking a drag of his cigarette, “but I don’t care what his name is.”

She shot him a dry look. “Someone’s bitter,” she muttered.

Calum barked out a laugh. “So you two are together, huh?” he asked casually, gesturing between Parker and the door leading back into the bar.

“For a month now, yeah,” she sighed. “I thought you didn’t care,” she challenged him, tilting her head.

“Fine, guilty,” Calum held his hands up in surrender. “I care. He makes you happy?” Calum knew he shouldn’t be asking her this, knew he was making it painfully obvious that he still loved her, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from moving.

“Owen’s nice, yeah,” she breathed, but there was a faraway look in her eyes. Calum knew that look. She wasn’t really happy.

“Saw you at my show the other night,” he said, changing the subject suddenly. So much for letting her believe she snuck out unnoticed.

Parker’s grey eyes went wide, and Calum chuckled. “You’re a lot of things, angel, but sneaky isn’t one of them.”

Her cheeks flushed pink. “Yeah, that was dumb,” she admitted. “You’re re—”

He turned abruptly, twisting his body so he was standing in front of her, hands on the wall behind her and caging her in, cigarette still held between his fingers. He brought his face so close to hers, their noses touched. “You don’t love him.” It was a statement, not a question. His eyes flickered down to her lips. God, how badly he wanted to kiss her again.

Parker shook her head without thinking. It was the truth—she wished she loved Owen, but she knew from the very beginning that she never would.

“Leave him.”

“He’s a really good guy,” she whispered. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“You’re already hurting him, love.”

“I thought you wanted me to forget you,” she said, so quietly she wasn’t sure if he heard her.

“I lied.”

“I—” she started, but her attention was brought to the door on their left, the heavy metal creaking as it opened. Calum pulled away quickly, resuming his position a few feet away from her and taking another drag from his cigarette to slow his erratic heartbeat.

Owen poked his head out, and his face relaxed when he saw her. “There you are,” he said, coming over to where Parker stood and rubbing his hands down the length of her arms. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

“I just needed a minute,” she smiled.

Owen glanced over to where Calum stood, but Calum pretended not to notice. He wondered briefly if Owen knew who he was. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go inside. Everyone’s leaving.” He took Parker’s hand and she followed him in. She chanced a quick look over her shoulder, but Calum wasn’t looking.

» » » » » »

Parker thought about Calum’s words all night, unable to sleep. She was supposed to go out for breakfast the next morning with Owen, Jenna and Taylor, but she texted Owen and told him that she wasn’t feeling well.

Later in the afternoon, she had made up her mind. She texted Owen and asked him if he would come over to talk. ‘Everything okay?’ had been his reply, but she didn’t respond. Within 20 minutes he was sitting on her couch, brows furrowed with concern and anticipation.

She hated confrontation, and she hated hurting people, but she saw no option other than to get it over with as quickly as possible.

“I’m just going to come right out and say it,” she started, taking a breath and letting the words tumble out. “I can’t be with you, Owen. I’m sorry. I can’t give you what you want, and it’s not fair to you.”

His eyes dropped to his lap, but he didn’t say anything.

After a few moments, Parker spoke again. “You don’t seem surprised,” she said quizzically, cocking her head to the side.

“Yeah,” Owen breathed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not. You’ve been distant lately.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot on my mind,” she admitted honestly.

He looked up at her. “That was him last night, wasn’t it? Outside on the patio?”

“Wh—”

“Nevermind,” he shook his head. “I don’t want to know.”

They were silent for a moment, then Owen shook his head again. “Actually, yeah, I do. Was it him?”

Parker hesitated before nodding. “Nothing happened,” she assured him.

“But you still love him.”

She nodded again. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “If I had met you a year ago—”

He placed his hand on top of hers. “It’s okay, Parker. You can’t help how you feel. It’s just—bad timing is all,” he chuckled lightly.

Parker smiled. It made it even harder for her to hurt him because of how understanding he was. “The worst,” she agreed.

He stood, and Parker followed him to the door. He slipped his shoes on, scooping up his keys from the side table. She took a step towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. “I wish things were different,” she murmured.

He relaxed around her, hugging her back and placing a kiss to the top of her head. “I know.”

He finally let her go, pulling back. “Well,” he said, reaching for the door. “Guess I’ll see you around.” He waved, and Parker’s heart broke as she watched him walk away, head down and shoulders sagging.

• • • • • •

Calum had another gig that night, and even though she was feeling guilty about hurting Owen, Parker desperately wanted to see Calum again. She decided she would go, and this time she wasn’t going to try to hide from him.

Calum was sitting at a table with the boys before his set, and he looked up when she walked through the front doors. She smiled at him, giving him a small wave. He stood to make his way over when John blocked his path, telling him it was time for him to go up on stage. He nodded, then shrugged apologetically at Parker. “Good luck,” she mouthed at him before taking a seat on one of the stools at the bar. The pub was full, and she was pretty sure it was all because of Calum.

Parker watched him intently for the entirety of his set, failing to hide her smile every time he looked up and caught her eye. She was clapping and cheering with the rest of the crowd when he thanked everyone for coming, and then he disappeared into the back. She turned around in her stool to face the bar, waiting for him to join her. When she felt someone come up to stand beside her, she smiled. Her smile faded instantly when she met the watery blue eyes of a man a few years older than her who reeked of alcohol.

“Pretty little thing like you, why are you sitting all alone?” he drawled, and it made Parker’s skin crawl. When she didn’t answer, he spoke again. “You look like you need a drink, honey.”

“No thanks,” she replied tightly, angling her body away from him in an attempt to make it clear she wasn’t interested. He didn’t seem to get the hint.

“Come on, baby girl, loosen up,” he tried again, moving closer. Parker leaned away again, trying to put more distance between them.

“I said no,” she said again, more firmly this time.

The guy was persistent, not willing to take no for an answer, and Parker was getting annoyed.

He slipped a hand around her, resting on her hip and squeezing as he leaned in close to her ear.

Just before Parker was about to get up and leave, she felt a wave of calm wash over her when she heard his voice.

“Get your hands off my girl, mate,” Calum growled, fist closing around the guy’s arm and ripping it off her before pushing him back so roughly he almost fell over. Parker’s insides went fuzzy at hearing him call her his girl. God, she had missed him saying that.

“Hey,” the guy grumbled, righting himself with one hand on the bar. “I have dibs on this one.”

“Oh, now you’ve done it, pal,” Parker heard one of the patrons laugh. This was Calum’s place, and everyone knew it. If he was going to set this scumbag straight, nobody, including John, was going to stop him.

Calum’s eyes narrowed as he stepped to the side, shielding Parker from his view. “She’s not your property.”

“Cal, just leave it,” Parker said quietly, coming to stand beside him and resting her hand on his shoulder.

“Oh yeah?” the guy challenged, quirking an eyebrow. “‘Cause I bet I could make her do all kinds of things with that pretty mouth of hers.”

Calum barely gave the guy enough time to finish his sentence before he brought his arm back and punched him so hard in the nose that he went sprawling on the floor. Blood poured from his nose, staining his teeth and dripping down the sides of his face. Parker gasped, stepping back instinctively.

Calum walked over to him, resting his booted foot on the guys’ throat.

“Calum, don’t!”

Calum had everyone’s attention now, but no one made a move to help the guy, knowing damn well he deserved to be put in his place. Calum put some of his weight down on his foot, obstructing the guy’s air flow just enough to have him squirming. He knew he was being a little bit dramatic, but he’d be damned if he let anyone disrespect Parker like that.

“Apologize,” Calum snarled.

In lieu of a reply, the guy spat on the ground beside him.

Calum pressed down harder, the guy’s face turning red from lack of oxygen. “I said, apologize.”

The guy struggled to get Calum’s foot off of him but the lack of blood flow to his brain made him weak. “Sorry,” he choked out, and Calum lifted his foot. He crouched down, Calum’s face hovering inches over the guy as he gasped to refill his lungs with air.

“Next time you think twice about speaking to a lady that way,” he said, calmly but menacingly. “Now get the fuck out of my pub.”

The guy scrambled to his feet. “Psycho,” he muttered as he wiped his face on his sleeve before rushing to the door.

Parker was still frozen in place, staring at the door. The whole encounter lasted all of two minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. No one else seemed fazed—the pub had resumed its activity from before the whole encounter.

“You okay, love?” Calum asked, slipping his finger under her chin and tipping it up to look at him.

She nodded. “That was—intense,” she breathed.

“Come for a walk with me,” he said, ticking his head towards the door for her to follow.

He held the door open for her, following her out. It was mid-February and it was snowing, but it wasn’t very cold. It was a beautiful night, really.

“I’m sorry if I scared you,” he said quietly.

“You didn’t,” Parker shook her head. “But you probably scarred him for life,” she laughed lightly.

Calum grinned. “No one talks to my girl like that. He deserved it.”

There it was again—my girl. Parker’s heart swelled. “I broke up with Owen,” she said abruptly, surprising herself at her bluntness, but also relieved that now it was out in the open.

“Figured that’s why you came tonight,” he shrugged.

She bumped him with her hip. “You’re pretty confident, aren’t you?” she teased.

“I watched you with him, angel. I could tell it wasn’t real for you. You knew it, too.”

Parker sighed. “I know. He just wasn’t you,” she confessed.

Calum turned to her, brushing his right thumb over her cheek. “I’ve missed you,” he murmured.

“You left me,” she whispered, feeling the telltale sting in her throat warning her that she was about to fall apart. “Crying on my doorstep. You never answered when I called.”

He caught her right hand in his left, bringing it up to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of it. “I know, baby. I’m sorry.”

“I could have been there for you, but you just walked away. You gave up everything, all because you didn’t believe in us.”

“Parker, I’m—”

“No, Cal, I’m not done!” she interrupted. “I waited for you. Every single day I waited for you to figure out that you were being stupid, but you never came back for me. I never once gave you any reason to believe that you weren’t good enough for me,” she wiped at her cheeks forcefully, tears staining the sleeves of her coat. “You were always good enough, but you got so wrapped up in your head that you convinced yourself I could do better. You were the only one standing in our way!”

Calum fell silent. Parker was right. Deep down, he always knew it. It was why he never answered when she called, why he drove away that night before he gave her a chance to talk. Because he knew she would convince him that he was wrong. He never gave Parker a chance to prove that she wanted him, through the good and the bad. If there was ever a time he didn’t deserve her, it was now, after everything he put her through.

Calum pressed his forehead against hers. “I have nothing else to say other than that I’m sorry. You were right about everything. I hate myself for hurting you, but it’s what I thought was right, at the time. I was wrong. I know I can’t take it back, but if you let me, I can make it right. ‘Cause I love you. And I don’t really care about anything else.”

Parker inhaled sharply. Deep down, she knew all she needed was an affirmation that he still loved her. Lord knew she never stopped loving him. And then he kissed her, and Parker forgot what it felt like to live without him.

• • • • • •

When Calum and Parker walked back into the pub holding hands, the boys started cheering and clapping.

Luke grabbed Parker around the waist, tugging her onto his lap and squeezing her tightly, making her giggle. She had missed the boys, too. “Thank god,” Luke sighed, laughing. “We thought we were never gonna hear the end of it if you two didn’t get back together.”

Calum shot Luke a stern look, but it lasted less than a second before his face split into a grin. “Hands off my lady, mate. You saw what I did to that other guy.”

“I’ve got three inches on you, brother,” he scoffed out a laugh. “I could take you.”

“Okay, boys, relax. No one else needs to fight over me tonight,” Parker laughed. “You won’t get into trouble for that, will you?” Parker asked, suddenly worried about the fight she inadvertently caused. She couldn’t bear the thought of being the reason Calum got fired from another job.

“For taking out that asshole? God, no. Don’t worry, doll. John would never fire me.”

“We were gonna head out, Cal,” Ashton piped up. “You coming?”

“I can take you home,” Parker offered, turning to Calum.

He leaned down to whisper in her ear so the boys wouldn’t hear. “Only if you stay,” he murmured.

Parker smiled. They had a lot of catching up to do, and she was pretty sure neither of them would be sleeping much tonight.

Michael hugged her tight as the boys left the pub. “It’s good to have you back, P,” he murmured. “We missed you.”

» » » » » »

Despite having a very late night, Calum had the best sleep in what felt like years. He woke with Parker laying on his chest, the sound of her breathing letting a feeling of bliss wash over him. He didn’t realize quite how lonely his bed had been until he had Parker back in it. He loved this woman—there was no doubt in his mind that he would do anything for her. He counted himself lucky that she was willing to come back to him after hurting her the way he did, and he swore that he’d never let her go again.

taglist: @treatallwithkindness @oopsiedoopsie23 @tunnnelvision @wildflower-mmr @crazytarotanon

[harryspirate]

A Love Story: The Epilogue

So, here is the epilogue for A Love Story. Thank you to everyone who has read this and left feedback, especially those who have been waiting for me to write this final part. Hope it was worth the wait. Let me know what you think! @kissme-hs this was your original request, so one more tag for the final part.

March (Three months later . . .)

You’re standing near the back of the room, watching the happy couple dance in the center of the dancefloor. They are completely wrapped up in one another—the rest of the world forgotten as they gaze into each other’s eyes while swaying to the sound of Ed Sheeran’s Perfect. For anyone else, this would be a recording, but, since the groom is Niall Horan, Ed, himself, is standing center stage.

You’d been on edge about attending the wedding—apprehensive about seeing your ex-boyfriend. But you knew that you couldn’t miss Lauren and Niall’s wedding. The couple had been so good to you during everything you’d gone through with Harry and the aftermath of your breakup last year. You felt a little better when Niall mentioned that Harry would be touring in Australia and had sent his regrets.

Sure, you and Harry had left things a lot more settled when he visited you in December. You’d made peace, so there was no acrimony between the two of you. However, you hadn’t seen him since then, either. You’d heard from Lauren that he’d gone to Los Angeles soon after he left your apartment. Then, his tour kicked off.

“Here you go, babe,” you smile at your date when he hands you a glass of champagne.

You turn back towards the dancefloor and your eyes lock with a pair of familiar green ones. His attention shifts to the man next at your side and then back to you. Lifting his glass, he gives you a small smile.

“Y/N?” your date asks. “Are you okay?”

You assure him you’re okay. When you look back to where you’d seen Harry, he’s nowhere to be found. You’re soon occupied with helping Lauren change out of her wedding dress. She mentions that Harry had flown in last minute and asks if you’re okay.

“Lauren,” you tell her with a smile. “Not gonna lie. I was a bit rattled when I saw him, but I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. It’s your wedding day! Now, let’s get you ready to leave for your honeymoon.

 April

You hurry into the warmth of the coffee shop, shaking the moisture from your umbrella. Luckily, it’s not crowded—most people choosing to stay indoors during the downpour. Once your order is ready, you take a seat, deciding to wait until the rain slacks off a bit. You’ve just pulled out the book that you’ve been reading when you hear the clearing of a throat.

“Hi, love,” Harry says, smiling slightly. “Thought that was you.”

“Oh!” you say, surprised, but in a pleasant way. You realize that he was the guy who’d been sitting in the very back of the café. “Hey, H.” You offer a smile of your own.

“Do you mind?” he asks, indicating the chair across from you.

“No, not at all,” you answer, moving your things to make room for him at the small table. “So, how was your tour?” you ask him.

Lauren and Niall had told you that it was a huge hit, so it’s no surprise to see Harry’s face light up as he begins to talk about his months traveling the globe. He also asks about your job, and your face has a similar glow as you talk about your recent promotion.

The two of you quickly lose track of time. It’s only when a noisy group of young girls come in that you glance down at your phone and realize that two hours have flown by. You see him tense up, knowing that he needs to leave before he’s recognized, but also sensing his reluctance.

“It was really good talking to you, H,” you tell him sincerely.

“Yeah,” he says, with a smile. “Do you think you’d . . .” He shakes his head. “Forget it. I’m sure your boyfriend wouldn’t want you hanging out with your ex.”

You frown. “Boyfriend? I don’t have a boyfriend!” Truthfully, you’d been on some dates, but none of them had truly felt right.

“But that guy at the wedding?” he says, frowning in confusion. “Lauren said . . .”

He’s cut off by your laughter. “You mean, Charlie?” you ask, laughing some more. “He only agreed to be my date because he has a massive crush on Niall!”

He laughs and then nods in understanding. Lauren had clearly been running interference for you.

“Well, in that case,” he says. “Do you think you’d like to have dinner some time?” He bites his nip nervously.

“Yeah,” you say with a smile. “I think I’d like that very much.”

May

Today had been endless. Difficult clients. Short deadlines. You are definitely glad to be home. You’ve just slipped your shoes off and plopped onto your couch when your doorbell rings. You groan, but get up and look through the peephole. You see Harry standing there with his hand behind his back.

Your mood lifts and you answer the door with a smile. “What are you doing here?” you ask after you answer the door. “I thought you were in Japan!”

He smiles and says, “I was, but I caught a flight this morning or last night. Honestly, I have no idea what time it is right now,” he says with a laugh.

“Again, I ask, what are you doing here?” you laugh along with him.

He grins and brings his hands forward. He’s holding a cupcake with an electronic candle on top and a bouquet of flowers.

A huge grin spreads across your face. “You remembered!” you exclaim, clasping your hands in front of your chest and bouncing up and down in excitement.

“Of course, I did!” he says, feigning insult. “Someone once told me that birthdays are the most important days of the year. Something about celebrating your existence or something.

You throw your arms around him and press your lips against his in kiss that he quickly deepens.

“Happy Birthday, love,” he whispers.

[sabrinamichele]

2019: The Year of Love, Love Lost, and Paris

     I know it’s time. Time to finally open up and talk about what’s been happening in my life. I know that I don’t have to share, but every time I try to move past it, I continue to feel drawn to share this. I know that in sharing this, like the countless times I have shared before, I will find myself better for having opened up. So, to be clear—this is not a completely selfless act—but it doesn’t make sharing it any easier. So, I’m ready to talk about dating, about love, and the heart break that 2019 brought me. I feel strongly that I need to preface this piece with the understanding that these words, thoughts and feelings, while they are mine, I know that by sharing them I may hurt someone. My intention is not to be mean or to hurt someone, but by being so candid, and by sharing my truth, I recognize that I very well might. I think there will always be that risk, and if you are on the receiving end of that, I am sorry. With that said, I want to be as honest and real as I can, because this isn’t the space for fakeness, or for pretense. This is where real truths, even when they’re hard, come out and vulnerability is found. So, in the spirit of sharing, *takes a breath* here goes...

     While I have dated for the past five years, I have, for the most part, remained pretty mum on the details. This hasn’t been done because I didn’t want to share, but, more or less, because I frankly didn’t know how to. My dating/love life has often, in hindsight, felt like learning how to drive a car: definitely with its starts and stops, plenty of awkwardness, some wrong turns made, and so much to learn. (Yes, this analogy truly describes how dating as an adult for the first time in your thirties after being married for eleven years truly feels like. *laughs*) Needless to say, I did not know how to navigate it very well, let alone to start opening up about topics like dating, sex, love, and heartbreak. So, after five years later, I think I’m finally ready to share. To be clear—I absolutely do not have it all figured out. I am not perfect, and I definitely have made my fair share of mistakes (yup, still human). But I also finally acknowledge that that doesn’t mean I don’t have something valuable to share. I don’t know, frankly, what the sharing is going to look like, but I am ready to start. As I have with every single thing I have written here up until now, I share with the hope and intention that in doing so it might help someone else. I truly believe it’s this shared humanity—the realness and vulnerability that exists in sharing what is real in our lives, and often times hidden away—that this is so incredibly attractive, because it is so rare, and it’s also where real connection takes place. So, with that intention, I promise to be real, honest, and vulnerable as hell.

“The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives. It’s the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid—all in the same moment.”

— Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

     When I think about the past five years, and trying to navigate dating, this quote feels so incredibly true and relevant in my life. The ability to, despite everything that has happened in your life up to this moment, meet the next moment and person with fresh optimism and hope for what might be. The ever-optimistic question of, “What if?”  Trust me when I say I know all too well what it is to be equal parts excited and scared. That is where I was a little over one year ago: Trying to date...again. Despite the heartache and the disappointment, and all the frustrations that go along with online dating—I was willing to try again because, deep down, I genuinely wanted to find someone, even if all my previous attempts had failed not ended the way I had hoped. Can I just take a moment to commiserate with anyone that’s reading this (male or female) who has also felt the pain and frustration of online dating? Yes, it can suck—and yes, people can suck—so you’re not alone in having mixed feelings about it (yes, I’m making some assumptions here, but I feel safe in making them). Goodness knows that I have had enough iterations with the dating apps, both love/hate, and moments where I swear “Never again!!” With that said, I think we can all—okay, fine—most of us can agree that they are a tool, and in today’s society of disconnection, they are a very helpful tool for connecting people; so, if you can get past the crap and frustration, they can be a positive. (Notice the emphasis on can here; I didn’t say they always are! *laughs*) This is at least the reason (and justification) for their reappearance in my life last year.

     This is how I started dating again, and how I met him—the man who would become my boyfriend last year. (Trying hard to not use names here—ever.) By and large, he was the most significant event last year—significant in many ways, but I think context helps to clarify why he was a significant event in my life. To back up a bit—dating has been incredibly hard for me in the wake of my divorce—there have been many men I have “dated,” in a sense, but often times I have, in the early stages of dating been too afraid of the labels, and the commitment, to even consider calling it a relationship, let alone calling someone my “boyfriend.” Before him, I have only had two relationships I could truly classify as truly “dating,” and only one I think would agree that we were boyfriend/girlfriend—exclusive, at the very least. Trust me—so many labels, so many new hurdles to navigate—so dating him was significant in that we both jumped in rather quickly, and also fell pretty quickly for each other. It was the first person, post my ex-husband, to tell me that he loved me, and to also ask me to be his girlfriend. I’m aware that, to many, that may sound cheesy, even juvenile, but here’s the truth: despite all the hurt and frustrations I’ve had with the opposite sex—deep down, I am a romantic at heart. A romantic with an insanely big heart who wants to fall in love again. (Yeah, I just admitted that.)

     So, I fell hard. I fell in love with all the firsts: the way it felt when I was around him—it felt exactly how it had, falling when you are young—the way you get excited to hear someone’s voice over the phone for the first time, the first time they hold your hand, the first kiss, the way they look at you...we were like two kids, and it felt incredibly special. I share all of this because I think it’s important to reflect—to look back and smile knowing I got to have that again, to experience having love, and a boyfriend, again...I want to be intentional in saying that because, if you’re like me, when something like that ends, it is incredibly easy to demonize someone, to focus on only the hurts, and to forget all of the good parts. I hope that you don’t.

     Suffice it to say, we did not last. Much like a candle that burns hard and bright, then just as quickly burns out...that was how we seemed to be, unfortunately. The man I fell in love with...well, I don’t know what happened to him, honestly. All the emotion, the vulnerability, and amazing connection I felt in the beginning, just...disappeared. I felt it most acutely on our first trip away together. I had been trying to communicate with him about it, without much success—and then the night before our trip, when I tried to talk to him about it again, the message I got back was, basically, “I don’t know what to tell you. This is how it’s going to be,” In my head, what I heard was something to the effect of, “Tough shit.” I was dumbfounded. I was trying to connect with him on this lack of connection, to discover the “why,” and met with, well, nothing. It was incredibly hard hearing that as we were about to go away for our first trip together. Trying to have a romantic weekend with someone who is not emotionally connected with you, or even trying to be, well...it’s a good recipe for a disaster, which is what that weekend was. I tried to make the best of it, but I found myself reminded of how disengaged my ex was with me and it, frankly, scared the shit out of me. In hindsight I wish I had had more courage. Courage to have a real conversation on the real disconnect we were having that weekend. But it felt like every time I tried, it was like trying to talk to someone who spoke Greek, and there was no place for understanding or vulnerability there. I came back not really knowing how to proceed, but knowing we definitely still needed to talk about it. After I made multiple attempts to initiate talking about it with him, I was met with only short texts back, and several blow offs instead of actually talking to me in the week following our trip. I felt miserable, sick to my stomach, and only an escalating sense of desperation to have this awful feeling end. I felt like I had been taken to this incredible high in our relationship, to then be dropped off the edge of an emotional cliff. Without a partner willing to communicate, who literally just disappeared after an uncomfortable first weekend away, I just felt desperate to have my pain end. Less than a week from my birthday, desperate to do what I thought was best, I ended it—after which I promptly bawled my eyes out. (Yeah. I’m being painfully honest here.) In hindsight, I can see that we weren’t meant to be, but the truth is, it, and he, still meant a lot to me. I have had well-meaning girlfriends even try to convince me that I didn’t actually love him, “No, not really.” Well I am here to say that I did love him, and that I don’t regret it. Any of it. As hard as that breakup was for me, I will always be grateful for loving him. I will always be grateful to have him show me what it should really look like...even if it didn’t last. To have someone show you that you are worthy of pursuing, worthy of going on romantic dates with, worthy of romance, and, ultimately, worthy of love...I am honestly grateful for all of it.

     With all of that said, the end of “us” left me in a very dark place for a time. I felt betrayed and I felt rejected. Rejection’s sting is something I am far, far too familiar with these past five years, but it always hurts more when I’ve invested more. I am not necessarily proud of how I chose to handle my hurt and pain this time, but I embraced that I was in a “dark and twisty place,” as I called it, and I set my intentions with men accordingly. I didn’t want anything more than something of a casual nature, which suited my needs, and my heart, just fine during this time. I don’t look back and applaud this; it was simply the way I chose to handle the hurt I was feeling at the time, and I want to be honest about that.

     If you’re still reading, I applaud you. My dating/love life is not for the faint of heart or those only inclined to read short stories. Without further ado, this is when someone new came into my life. I feel the need to pause and say that I do feel badly—he met me smack dab in the beginning of my “dark and twisty” phase—right as I had intended to not be with anyone in a romantic way, is when he met me. I told him as much the night we met, but the message still got filtered a bit through the lens of someone who I think, deep down, was hopeful for more. He and I were not friends, per se, but we were also not dating—because I was not interested in dating anyone in the dark place I was currently in—but I also found the previously used label of “friends with benefits” didn’t quite seem to fit either, so we found a label we could both agree upon, which was “lovers.” And we honestly enjoyed as much time as we could with each other in this space. For me, it was exactly what I needed in that moment. We enjoyed each other’s company, and we enjoyed many of the same things; we found a safety with each other—both in the sharing of our past, but also simply just by being together. I recognize this title implicitly says more than I ever have shared before about a relationship, and I’m okay with that. I am thirty-six years old and incredibly tired of living in the fear of talking about or not talking about sex. I was married eleven years, so I think it’s safe to say I am aware of what sex is—and it’s something I still engage in to this day. *laughing* I know that by sharing this, there will be some of my family/friends who are probably disappointed, but frankly? I’m not interested in filtering my writing anymore for fear of what you, or others may think (or not think). Enough said.

     I am a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. With that said, I genuinely believe I was meant to have this man in my life. Even if it was unconventional and didn’t look like other relationships—it was still meaningful, even it if wasn’t meant to be for forever. I was very up front and honest with him about where I was at, day one, but it doesn’t mean that feelings didn’t get involved. If I’ve learned anything in my years of dating—it’s that it’s incredibly easy and natural for emotions and feelings to get involved where sex is concerned. I think we both knew that this was always a possibility, and we were both very honest with each other about what that would mean. I knew he was potentially moving out of the area soon, so it felt safe. Safe to let my guard down; safe to just be me; safe also because it was just so easy to be around him. But, with all of that said, I never felt that way about him. Even when I found feelings creeping in, I pushed them down not wanting to go there—we weren't supposed to go there, right? But, before I knew it, we were facing a point of no return—I had agreed to go out of state to a wedding as his plus one—and subsequently had made plans to go to Paris the day after we were to get back. The trip was going great, but somehow, without really seeing it coming, I found myself hearing him tell me that he was falling in love with me, and that he needed more. My heart ached in that moment. My heart ached because I knew I couldn’t say the words he would have liked to hear me say next, and that I couldn’t give him more. I have never taken those words lightly, and I didn’t then either.  The next day we flew back, and I had to face one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever had. It was hard because not only was it over, but I was also losing a friend—he couldn’t stay friends with me—and we had truly become close over those few months—my heart ached knowing I was losing that, but also for all the unspoken words I felt between us in that moment, “I’m sorry I can’t give you more. I’m sorry you met me here, in this dark place I’m at right now. I’m sorry I am not where you are at, at least not today.” So, I said goodbye, and I flew to Paris two days later.

     So, Paris. I flew to Paris, kind of spontaneously, with a man I had dated earlier in the year, and who I really liked. If I’m being honest, he was someone I had hoped (deep down) to have something more with someday. In hindsight it all feels like it was wishful thinking, but, at the time, I couldn’t help but feel excited and hopeful. A handsome man who I was interested in had invited me to join him in Paris and, on a whim, I had decided to say yes. I mean, how do you say no to that? Our first date was one of the most romantic I’ve ever been on, honestly. I was about to go to Paris for the first time earlier in the year and he had invited me to a French themed charity dinner, and the night ended with slow dancing (yes—slow dancing) in his living room. I know, it all sounds a bit hard to believe, maybe even a little nonsensical, but I genuinely believe that a big part of love is truly that—nonsensical. So, seven months later, I went to Paris for a second time, but this time, with him. I went to Paris, and I tried hard to keep my expectations in check, but it was hard for me to not find myself hopeful...for a spark, for more... I do not want to dwell on the details, but I will say that my overwhelming feeling from this trip was one of disappointment. I know that it’s not fair to compare, but for me, there was no way I couldn’t not compare them, having both trips so close in proximity to one another. While one man was so incredibly attentive, emotionally connected, and engaged—the other was the exact opposite. Perhaps, not at first...but as the trip went on, I was incredibly aware of it. It makes me sad, in hindsight—I was in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and I felt more alone than ever being there with him. I felt like he didn’t emotionally connect with me most of our time together, which was a little surprising, but also left me at a bit of a loss, as I’m incredibly empathic to the people I’m around. I often felt a bit like I was walking around on eggshells being with him, unsure how to “just be” around him. It was not romantic. It was not about me. And my heart turned in on itself with the juxtaposition it found between my travel companions. I had hoped, foolishly so, to fall in love in Paris, and instead I was with someone who I realized was still in love someone else. I don’t say all of this to be hurtful, but to simply be honest. It was a painful and incredibly emotional week for me.

     But, somehow, even after all of this, my emotional week wasn’t complete. There was more waiting for me. Sitting in the Paris airport, waiting to come home, I was sitting next to my travel companion, filling the time while we waited to board the plane by mindlessly scrolling through Instagram when my eyes caught on two words, a name. His name. A man I have written about here before—the first man I fell in love with after my ex-husband. My brain was still registering seeing these two words again as my brain finally assimilated what it was I was seeing. It was a picture of the man I had fallen in love with proposing. My heart dropped. I sat there in shock, absorbing these pictures, these words—then I quickly closed the app—my brain’s obvious attempt at self-preservation. I sat there for about ten minutes before finally starting to cry—my partner sitting next to me completely oblivious to my tears or my pain. I have been asked, since then, why I cried...and it still baffles me how anyone could ask me “why?” But I will try to convey to you the “why,” even if it’s completely irrelevant.

     I cried because the man I fell in love with was proposing to someone else. I cried because he was, in every single way, exactly what I wanted—at least in that moment of my life. And even though I can look back on us and see just how much he didn’t deserve the love I had for him, it is irrelevant to the simple fact that I did...love him. I loved him in a way that I have never known before...connected with him in a way I had never known before. I cried because this hurt me—seeing this, as it should. But it was also necessary. I knew this was the moment I had to let it all go. To finally, somehow, find a way to forgive him—to let go of all the pain that had been inside me for far too long. That is one thing I will always be very grateful for. To the man that I would call my boyfriend, and the man I would call my lover—I realized just how much pain I had been living with, not just from my breakup, but from the men I had loved, but who, ultimately, hadn’t been right for me. I finally recognized this in moments I had been with my friend, my lover, and he would be asking me simple questions, and I would be reduced to tears in a matter of moments. It was embarrassing, but he also never made me feel bad or ashamed for it. I also had a moment of clarity, a few months later, in a conversation with my last boyfriend, finally talking about our breakup and how much his actions had hurt me. He said to me, “Don’t let me be the cause of your pain.” Those words resonated with me because of just how true they were for me. While I had done such a good job of not letting my divorce not define my life, to keep me from moving on and dating again, I had allowed these men, each heartbreak, to carry on in my heart—each hurt still there, right beneath the surface. I realized then and there I owed it to myself to finally forgive them, and to move on.

     While I haven’t figured it all out exactly since then (read: I’m still figuring so much out in this crazy life, especially now), I am proud to say that I came back from Paris and I finally forgave the man who broke my heart more than most. In writing this, I recognize that there is still room for forgiveness, for letting go, which I completely acknowledge. I am not perfect, and I’m still figuring this life out as I go, but I’m also incredibly proud of just how far I have come.

     I have loved, deeply. I have had my heart broken, and, sadly, I have hurt some hearts along the way. I am here, sharing this, to hopefully normalize that dating may not look the way you expect it to—it may be messy and unconventional—and you may make some mistakes (or a lot), and you may have your heart broken...but here’s also a beautiful truth: you get to decide what happens next. You.

So, in this moment, I am creating something new and I am trying to have a wild heart in dating. I am both hopeful, excited and scared...but above all, ready. I know what I bring, and I also know what I want. Dating is hard, but it’s also so much harder if you’re not ready.

When I wrote these words, almost a year ago now, I was in such a different place. I was actually ready to try to start dating again. Unfortunately, this year has not been the year for trying to date, at all. It’s been incredibly hard trying to pick this piece back up, to try and talk about something that’s happened so long ago now, but I also feel like I needed to. To give these words voice, even if I find myself in a space where I’m not optimistic about love or dating, as I was earlier in the year, pre-global pandemic. With that said, I still want to write about love. I still want to talk about what dating has taught me, even as I find myself in a particularly weird year for it.

With that said, the best advice I can offer, for the years of dating I have experienced, is this:

•    Know who you are, but also be comfortable, just as you are. You don’t need anyone to complete you or to make you happy. Trying to have someone fill this role won’t make you happy, ultimately.

•    Know that it’s okay to want someone—but not to “need” them to feel okay. You have to be okay, just you. You also have to love you, first, before anyone else can love you. Any attempts to shortcut this will leave you disappointed.

•    Try really hard to not grasp for someone or something, or to chase someone who has left of their own accord. I’ve had to learn this the hard way, and sometimes I’ve needed to be reminded, but it is a powerful truth. If they want to talk to you, they will. If they want to see you, they will ask. Try to not read between lines that aren’t there. Sometimes it really is that simple. You deserve someone that pursues you. Pure and simple.

•    Be honest and be kind. I think I’ve said this very yearly on in my writing, but it begs repeating. It does no one a service to tell them what you think they want to hear, let alone yourself. Always be honest (even when it is hard). And try to do so with kindness. Enough said.

•    Grace. If I had to leave you with one word, it would be this one. Have grace, and not just for others, but also for yourself. I know, for me, I need to have equal parts grace, both for others and for myself. It is so easy to allow my expectations of myself and others to put people on a pedestal. Pedestals are unrealistic, though, and people aren’t meant to be on them. Have grace for when people disappoint you, or for when you disappoint yourself. This beautiful adventure is called life. It’s going to surprise you and challenge you—and it’s not going to look how you had expected it to—ever! And that’s okay. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable—the not knowing.

     With all of that said, I end this post a little differently than pre-pandemic Sabrina would have. I always feel like I have to end things on a positive note. Maybe it’s because I’m a sucker for happy endings and naturally want there to be one. Pre-pandemic Sabrina ended this so full of hope, excited for a year full of as of yet unknowns and adventures. While this year has definitely held quite a few surprises, not all of which were bad, more than ever this year has tested us all and pushed us to many of our breaking points. I wish I could share something incredibly positive, something uplifting, or something exciting, but I’m afraid I just don’t have it. I think in the absence of that, the one positive this new space has left in my life right now is time to reflect, time to sit in the space created, just me. I’m getting comfortable, really comfortable, with just being me. It’s not easy, especially as I crave connection and companionship, but I also know, deep down, just how necessary it is. In this vacuum of time and space this pandemic has created, I’m learning how to truly love me, to learn the wounds I have yet to heal, and—probably the hardest yet—how to finally let go of not having a romantic relationship. It’s hard, and it can be scary, but I think it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. As scary as “giving up” has felt for me, I feel only stronger in who I am for having finally done it. I’m not giving up forever. But I am—for now. And I’m okay with that. In letting go, I feel that I have found the strength within me to face this, but also a feeling of peace about it. I genuinely don’t know what this next year will bring, BUT I can confidently say a stronger Sabrina will be here to face it. And for that, I am grateful.

[spacerangersam]

The Medium

a short comedy piece about family drama, ducks and ugly nightwear.

“Darling, look how big Maxwell has gotten! He’s practically fully grown now! I wonder if he still gets your mother to iron his socks...”

“He’s almost thirty, Ruth. Besides, it’s only been a year.”

“Oh sorry, but you know I can’t help it. So much has happened since we last saw him.”

“Indeed it- it has.”

“I wonder if he-”

“Sweetheart, I mean this in the kindest way possible, but could you please be quiet for a-a moment?”

Theodore was stretched out over the round table, squeezed in between an elderly woman with a ridiculous feather boa, and some scrawny pale fellow. He was on the very tips of his worn Oxfords, his long thin fingers just barely touching the Ouija planchette.

The people surrounding him in the table gasped as it slid forward.

“Terribly sorry, Theo,” Ruth apologised, leaning over to pat his shoulder. “I rather forgot you were in the middle of something.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s this blasted woman’s. If she’s so in touch with the spirit world, why can’t she sense my overwhelming need for her to fucking move?”

Both feet were now off the floor as he pushed the planchette towards the O. Almost there, almost.

“Really, there’s no need for insults.”

“Sorry sweetheart,” he said in a strained voice, “but this is- Christ- a very time-sensitive task, I’m sure you understand.”

She huffed, crossing her arms, more for the drama of it rather than actual disgust.

“I do. I just don’t think death gives us an excuse to forget our manners.”

He gave up. Theo it was. The D wasn’t even that far away, it was more energy than it was worth.

Besides, it seemed to do the trick as the five huddled around the table gasped, the youngest pale and shaking. Even the elderly woman, pale with frizzy hair seemed surprised. She hid her wide eyes behind a cough and quickly put on a mask of professionalism though.

“Theo? Does anyone on this table know a Theo?”

“I should bloody hope so,” he huffed.

“Oh look, Max has a ring! I think he’s married!” Ruth gasped.

The youngest, Maxwell, gulped and nodded. The woman next to him patted his hand, looking rather frazzled herself.

“I think I know to whom,” Theo muttered.

Ruth raised an eyebrow and adjusted her glasses, gasping when she picked up on her husband’s hint.

“Max had a brother called Theo who passed not too long ago,” the woman explained.

“Elizabeth? But I thought she was dating-”

“She was.”

“A year ago. Car accident,” Maxwell spluttered out.

“Well, I never. We’ve missed out on so much! Darling, could you ask about it?” Ruth asked.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” the medium said in a grave tone.

“I’m really sorry,” Theodore began, “but that would probably take a while to ask, and I don’t think Maxwell has the attention span for that.”

“Fair point.”

“Am I talking to Theodore Jones?” The medium asked.

Oh thank god, he thought, I don’t have to spell that one out. It didn’t hurt that the YES was close either.

“Can’t you just phase through the table?” Ruth questioned. “Wouldn’t that be easier?”

“Yes, but knowing my luck I’d just phase through the planchette too and we’d have to start all over again.”

Maxwell and Elizabeth gripped even tighter onto each other as the planchette jerked towards the YES. A tense silence fell over the table, interrupted a moment later by the medium.

“Right, well, is there anything you want to ask him or tell him, Maxwell?”

“God, don’t open the stage to him,” Theodore groaned, “he’ll only ask something stupid like if there are any pubs in heaven.”

Maxwell nodded swallowing loudly.

“I just wanted to tell him that I love him, I really do and…did he and Ruth end up in the same place? Are they-”

“Just ignore him and go to the will,” Ruth suggested.

“Good thinking.”

“I have my moments.”

W-I-L-M

“Wilm?” Maxwell queried, brows drawn close.

“Wilm?” Ruth parroted. “I know you struggle with spelling but-”

“My hand slipped!”

He tried again.

W-I-L-L

“Oh, we have a brother called Will, does he want me to pass a message on?” Maxwell asked.

“Perhaps he does. Theo, do you have a message for William?”

“Oh, for fucks sake!”

Ruth didn’t comment on that one, too busy pursing her lips and giving Maxwell a stern eye.

“He never was the brightest, was he?”

NO

W-I-L-L

L-E-G-A-L

“Oh! like his last will and testaments!” Elizabeth gasped.

“Yes!” Theodore cheered, a grin appearing on his face for the first time during this whole ordeal.

“At least one out of the pair has some brains,” Ruth mused.

She perched on the top of a spare chair, watching the amusing expressions of the living five.

“He never wrote one, did he?” Maxwell mused.

I-D-I-D

“It seems he begs to differ,” the medium commented. “Where is it??”

S-O-C-K

His hand slipped again. Dammit.

“Sock?” Maxwell read. “I don’t mean to be rude, but you had a lot of socks, Theo, could you be more specific?”

“Here, how about-”

Ruth hopped onto the table in her party shoes. She crouching down, gently brushing her husband’s fingers away from the planchette and replacing them with her own.

S-O-C-K-D-R-A-W

“Oh, thank you,” Theodore said.

“Anytime.”

He gratefully, and awkwardly, wriggled off the table, standing behind the medium instead. She shivered for a moment but otherwise didn’t react.

“Do you mean it’s in your sock drawer?” Elizabeth asked.

Y-E-S

“We should go find it right away! It could be-”

B-E-L-L-E

“Sweetheart, I thought we were just going to focus on the will?” Theodore asked.

“Well, they know about it now, let me be nosy for a minute.”

“Oh, alright. Just don’t drag it out for too long please.”

“It’s hidden in a bell?” Elizabeth wondered.

Maxwell cleared his throat, tugging at his collar with his free hand.

“No, Belle- that was the name of my ex, we parted a few months ago. Though I swear he never knew…”

Really? He didn’t think I noticed the woman he dated for over six months? Theodore thought. Well, that’s just insulting.

The table fell silent again.

“Ex? That’s all he got for me? I was the fucking light of his life!” A voice yelled.

Ruth and Theodore winced, turning to face their third ghostly companion, a young woman in a ghastly nightdress.

“Oh, Belle, I’m sorry, but we did tell you he’d likely moved on,” Ruth said gently.

Belle began to cry hysterically, with all the noise and none of the tears.

“Oh dear, don’t cry- Theodore?”

“On it.”

He made his way to the corner she had hidden in, next to the myriad of ‘unicorn’ skulls and toad bladders. He held her tightly, rocking her slightly.

“There there, he’s a cad anyway, you can do better,” he assured her.

“How? We’re in hell!”

“Not technically.”

“Wait, is this Penelope?” Maxwell asked.

Y-E-S

H-E-L-L-O

Maxwell breathed out a relieved sigh, a strained smile on his lips.

“Oh, you are together, good.”

A-N-D-B-E-L

He paled again.

“B-Belle? She’s with you? Wait, she’s dead?!”

The living members of the table turned to frown at him. He slouched down in his seat.

“She-she hadn’t been responding to any of my letters so I-I said I felt like she had been avoiding me and perhaps we should both move on.”

“Of course I couldn’t respond, I was fucking deceased!”

“Belle, he never deserved you anyway, sweetheart, let it go.”

“And did you say that in person?” The medium asked.

“Ah, no, letter.”

“…Belle, if you are here, can you tell us when you died?”

“J-June fourth,” Belle gasped out.

Theodore rubbed her back encouragingly. It was a shame she’d died in that dreadful thing, he mused. At least he and Ruth had been given the decency of going out in style.

J-U-N-E-4

Maxwell put a shaking hand to his mouth, and at his side, Elizabeth scowled.

“That was before your breakup, wasn’t it?” She asked.

He nodded.

“Maxwell Jones,” Elizabeth hissed, “I can’t believe you did that!”

“Oh god, we’re completely off track, what if he forgets about the will?” Theodore complained.

Belle began to wail louder. He winced and rubbed her back even harder, desperately trying to calm her down. It seemed to work.

“I was busy with work, I didn’t have time to check on her!”

“Oh sorry, I know this is a lot for you to handle. Do you want to go outside, perhaps? I’m sure Ruth can handle it from here,” Theo assured her.

“N-No. I want to see this through,” she sniffed.

“If I die tragically and can’t respond to your letters, I hope you’ll spare a moment to come check on me,” Elizabeth huffed.

“If you’re sure. But please do remind them of the will again, sweetheart,” Theodore called out to Ruth. “If they don’t find it, I just know they're going to hand over my collection of genuine Roman coins to father and I won't let that bastard get his greasy hands on them!”

“Oh god, not the Roman coins!” Belle sobbed. “They're one of a kind!”

“Yes, and I’d bet he'd either just pawn them for cheap or lose them down a drain like the uncultured tosser he is!”

“This day is getting worse and worse.”

“Wait, how do you know about my coin collection?”

“I showed her them once when I caught her sneaking out of Maxwell’s room at night,” Ruth explained.

“He snores,” Belle sniffed. “Loudly.”

“And you’re upset this relationship ended, because…”

She sniffed again and shrugged.

“I have bad taste?”

Theodore pursed his lips and thought about it.

“We can work on that, chin up.”

S-A-Y-S-O-R-R-Y-B-E-L-S-A-D

“Oh, of course, god, Belle, I’m so sorry. I should have suspected something was wrong and come visited you,” Maxwell said.

“You should have!” Belle loudly agreed.

“You should have,” Elizabeth seconded, pinching Maxwell’s hand sharply.

“Ow!”

Belle sniffed and grinned a little.

“I like her.”

“She is quite something that Liz,” Theodore said. “Shame she has terrible taste too.”

“Do you think we’re done for now? This isn’t exactly a comfortable position,” Ruth commented.

Theodore and Belle shared a look, and after a moment shook their heads.

“I just want to go,” Belle sighed.

“And I believe that’s enough drama for one afterlife,” Theodore announced. “Let’s end this.”

Ruth nodded sharply and returned to the board.

W-I-L-L-G-O-F-I-N-D

GOOD BYE

A golden glow went unseen by the living, and the séance drew to a close.

***

William unlocked the door to the house and cautiously entered.

It had been left untouched, perfectly preserving the lives of its owners in their last-minute rush to get to the party on time. That is to say, it looked like a bombsight. He smiled, strained, and brushed his fingers over an abandoned coat, flung over a cupboard.

No doubt Theodore was losing his mind over the mess wherever he was, tearing out his hair as he tried desperately to find his way back to the mortal plane just to do the dusting.

A hand found its way to his back, and William turned his head to the side to face his companion.

“Remind me why we’re back here? It’s bloody miserable, like the world’s worst museum.”

“Pryce, I told you yesterday, didn’t you listen?”

The other man shrugged, hands falling to his pockets.

“Not really. You say a lot of things I don’t listen to.”

“I’m well aware.”

William sighed and gestured for Pryce to follow, making his way up the dusty stairs.

“We’re looking for Theodore’s will. Max and Liz went to a medium, claimed Theo talked to them.”

“A medium? They got more quack to them than a duck pond.”

“I agree, but you know how hard Max took the death. It is his birthday party they kicked it on after all. And the two insisted that we check, so.”

“I can believe Max buying into it, but Lizzy too? Thought she was too smart for that.”

“Well, she is with Max, so she can’t be that smart.”

“Got a point.”

They reached the top of the stairs and entered the bedroom. As with the rest of the house, it showed the remains of a panic, random dresses and ugly ties strewn about everywhere, drawers upturned and perfume spilt. They’d even turned the mattress upside down, though to what end, William would never know.

“You check Ruth’s drawers, I’ll check Theodore’s, yeah?”

Pryce’s ears went red and he shuffled on the spot, looking closer to five than fifty.

“Is that proper like?”

“Pryce, the woman’s dead, no one’s going to care if you go through her knicker drawer. Besides, you’re looking only through her socks, second drawer down.”

“Just- just making sure.”

William rolled his eyes going to Theodore’s set of drawers.

It was ridiculous, he felt, completely ridiculous. Even if the medium were legitimate, surely Theodore wasn’t stupid enough to just leave his will in his-

He saw it as soon as he opened the drawer.

“Good lord,” he gasped.

“What, you actually found it?”

“I believe so.”

He picked it up and leafed through it. It was Theodore’s hand all right, balancing the line between elegant and impossible to read. He flipped through a few more pages.

He winced.

“Aye, do us a favour and call the lawyer, will you? Father too. And tell him to bring along the coin collection on fear of death.” 

[musicprincess655]

Kenjirou buries his face in his arms, groaning. A headache pulses behind his eyes, and if he has to keep looking at his computer screen, he’s going to throw it out the window.

“Rough day?”

Kenjirou turns his head to glare at Taichi, one eye still hidden in his arms.

“If I have to write about one more ‘positive patient interaction’ to prove I have a good bedside manner I’m going to kill you and then myself,” Kenjirou threatens.

“Scary,” Taichi says, not looking remotely scared. “Should I be concerned about how bad your bedside manner is?”

“It’s not bad,” Kenjirou snaps. Taichi raises one eyebrow. “It’s passable. I’m going for surgery anyway, just give me a scalpel and let me figure it out.”

“Come to the bar with me,” Taichi says. “I’ll make you a drink. Something strong.”

“I don’t want something strong from you,” Kenjirou complains. Taichi can make drinks that knock Kenjirou on his ass with one sip.

“Fine, I’ll make you something weak and fruity.” Taichi rolls his eyes.

“Just go flirt with your customers without me,” Kenjirou says. He’ll give himself ten more minute of moping around before he takes another crack at this essay to send to his advisor and hope he doesn’t get back a full page of revisions. Again.

“Look,” Taichi says, teasing glint gone from his eyes. “Jokes aside, you’re stuck in here doing work on a Saturday night, and I’m pretty sure you’re just swapping words out for synonyms at this point. You’re not being productive, and you have to have fun at some point.”

“I have fun,” Kenjirou protests, but even he can hear how weak it sounds. “I just have to make it through the next two years of med school hell, then-”

“Then you start your residency, and then you disappear into the adult world, and before you know it you’re a forty-year-old virgin moaning about how you wasted the bloom of your youth,” Taichi cuts him off. “Your homework will still be here when you get back, and you might have better luck with fresh eyes.”

Kenjirou stares up at Taichi for a long moment, childishly refusing to let his best friend win, but they’ve known each other for too long for it to really work, and Taichi just waits him out.

“Fine!” Kenjirou folds.

“There’s an outfit for you on your bed,” Taichi says, smug grin in place. “Try to look less like…that.”

He gestures to all of Kenjirou, and Kenjirou flips him off. He’s still in his pajamas, and his hair desperately needs another round with his straightener after the hours he’s spent running his hands through it.

Kenjirou expects to feel more gross and reluctant to go out, but after fixing his hair, pulling on skinny jeans and a shirt that shows off the muscle he still has left from volleyball, and adding a touch of cologne, he feels a lot more human. He’s even – just a little bit – excited to leave the apartment for something other than clinicals. He doesn’t tell Taichi any of this, of course, but Taichi probably knows anyway. They didn’t choose to live together only because they both moved to Tokyo at the same time.

“Is there a band playing tonight?” Kenjirou asks as they walk to the bar where Taichi works.

The live music can be pretty hit or miss. Sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s a high school cover band that hasn’t quite figured out instruments yet.

“Yep,” Taichi says. “I think you’ll like this one.”

“What kind of music do they play?” Kenjirou just hopes it’s not one of those pop cover bands again.

“Rock,” Taichi says. “You’ll appreciate the lead singer.”

It’s just vague enough that Kenjirou cuts suspicious eyes at Taichi, but nothing in his tone or body language suggests teasing, so Kenjirou lets it drop.

The band isn’t playing yet when they get to the bar, so Kenjirou parks himself at the end of the counter in the far corner of the room. It gives him a good vantage point so he can people watch, and if it gets slow enough Taichi can talk to him down here.

Taichi slides a glass of something red and bubbly in front of him, and Kenjirou takes a sip without bothering to ask what it is. It’s probably one of Taichi’s creations anyway. The sweetness and fizz nearly cover up the burn of the alcohol, so it’s not enough to get Kenjirou properly drunk. There’s a small, self-destructive part of him that wants to get drunk anyway, forget all of his problems by force, but Kenjirou ignores that.

The drummer and bassist for the band come on the small stage on the other side of the bar. They look around Kenjirou’s age, so he’ll probably be spared the high schoolers today. He observes as they adjust the mics and finish setting up their instruments, but his attention is broken when a crowd of college students enters the bar together, laughing and talking. Taichi starts getting drink orders, and Kenjirou gets so caught up watching him make the drinks that he doesn’t realize the whole band is now on stage.

“Hey everyone,” says a voice Kenjirou recognizes, and he chokes on his drink, coughing up the sip he just took. Wiping his mouth, eyes going wide, he turns back to the stage.

Semi stands at the front, guitar in his hands, as he finishes introducing the band. Kenjirou doesn’t catch much of what he says, largely just tracing his eyes up and down Semi’s body.

Semi looks good. The grungy style he had in high school that was a little too edgy to look cool has morphed just enough to fit perfectly on him as an adult. It works. He looks hot.

Kenjirou thinks he sees eyeliner around Semi’s eyes, and he’s losing the ability to focus on anything else.

And of course, Semi has a nice voice. Of course he does. It fits so nicely with a rock band.

“Need some water?” Kenjirou rips his eyes away from Semi to see Taichi handing him another drink. “You look thirsty.”

“Shut the fuck up, Taichi.” Kenjirou looks back at Semi, eyes drawn helplessly like a compass to true north.

“A lot more women in the bar tonight,” Taichi continues. “Semi-san sure has a lot of fans.”

“Shut the fuck up, Taichi,” Kenjirou growls.

Kenjirou hadn’t realized at the time that the special way he used to treat Semi in high school was actually a badly managed crush, mostly because that would have required acknowledging he only really likes boys, and he wasn’t ready to admit it. By the time he stopped lying to himself, Semi had already graduated and moved to Tokyo, and it wasn’t a relevant issue anymore.

It’s not like they haven’t spoken since high school, but it’s mostly been in the team’s group LINE chat, and Kenjirou doesn’t even have much time to keep up with that anymore. So while he hasn’t forgotten Semi, the principle of out of sight, out of mind is a powerful thing.

Maybe Kenjirou should leave. He’s very quickly remembering all the reasons he had such a crush on Semi, and he’s sure nothing good can come of reviving it when they’ve both moved on to different lives, but. But.

Semi is very attractive, and a very good singer, and Kenjirou actually does like his band’s music. He watches, transfixed, through the whole set, only coming back to himself after Semi thanks everyone for coming and makes his way over to the bar.

“The usual?” Taichi asks, already reaching for a bottle of beer in the fridge behind him.

“Please,” Semi says, voice coming out rough.

Kenjirou immediately has several highly inappropriate thoughts about other activities that might wreck Semi’s voice like that.

Semi tilts his head and notices Kenjirou for the first time. His face lights up and sends Kenjirou’s heart racing.

“Hey,” Semi says. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“It was this or come home to find him in a food coma because he stress-ate all the chips,” Taichi says. Kenjirou glares at him.

“Med school training really is tough, huh?” Semi laughs. “So. What’d you think?”

It takes Kenjirou an embarrassingly long time to realize Semi is asking about the performance.

“Good,” Kenjirou says. “You were…I mean the band was…I liked it.”

He tries to telepathically beg Taichi to just kill him. Taichi either can’t hear or doesn’t listen.

“I’m glad,” Semi says, still smiling. Kenjirou sees a glint of silver between Semi’s teeth. He has a tongue piercing.

Kenjirou is going to die.

Before he can try to salvage his dignity and continue the conversation, they’re interrupted by an unfamiliar man slinging his arm around Semi’s shoulders.

“Hey man, nice performance as always,” the man says.

“Thanks,” Semi replies, leaning into the man. “See you Monday?”

“You know it.” The man claps Semi on the shoulder and leaves. It’s overtly friendly, but it makes an ugly thread of jealousy curl in Kenjirou’s stomach anyway.

“Friend of yours?” he asks.

“Ex,” Semi corrects.

“You’re sure friendly with him,” Kenjirou says before he can stop himself. It comes out harsh, and he didn’t even mean it like that.

“Some of us are adults and friends with our exes,” Semi says, sounding faintly amused instead of annoyed. He must have mellowed out since high school, because back then he would’ve exploded. “It wasn’t even a bad breakup. It just didn’t work out. We work together, and it turns out dating a coworker isn’t the best plan.”

“Can’t be friend with your exes if you don’t have exes,” Taichi says.

Kenjirou almost throws a drink at him. So he doesn’t date, so what? He’s busy, and it’s perfectly normal to not want to date.

“Yo, Eita, help us pack up,” one of Semi’s bandmates calls to him. Semi throws back the rest of his beer and hands the bottle off to Taichi with his thanks.

“I’m going home,” Kenjirou says.

He’s not entirely sure what he’s feeling after meeting Semi again. Distantly, he remembers Taichi telling him he’d like the lead singer. So Taichi set this up on purpose.

“My shift’s almost over, just wait and we can walk home together,” Taichi says.

“I’ll wait outside,” Kenjirou tells him. “I need some air.”

What he needs is a space where he’s allowed to smoke. It’s a terrible habit, he knows, even if it’s only occasionally. There was an entire lecture his first year of university just on the dangers of smoking. But he picked it up from his mom after he turned eighteen, and when he’s stressed, nothing helps quite like it.

He’s watching cars pass as he smokes when he feels someone standing at his shoulder.

“Those’ll kill you, you know,” Semi says.

He really is beautiful. His jawline is sharper than Kenjirou remembers, and his shaggy hair falls around his face in a way that accentuates his features. He has a few new piercings in his ears that Kenjirou didn’t notice earlier.

“So they tell me,” he replies. He’s calmed down enough that he can hold a conversation with Semi like a normal person.

“Your fancy med school hasn’t broken you of the habit?”

Semi reaches out and plucks the cigarette from Kenjirou’s fingers, raising it to his own lips. If Kenjirou was calm before, he definitely isn’t now. He can’t tear his eyes away from where Semi’s mouth molds around the cigarette, a childish part of his mind chanting indirect kiss.

Semi must see some of it in his face, because the teasing fades from his eyes. He lowers the cigarette and steps forward into Kenjirou’s space. Kenjirou doesn’t move, barely breathes, as Semi reaches his free hand out and hooks his thumb through Kenjirou’s belt loop.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi,” Kenjirou replies inanely. He doesn’t have to look up much to meet Semi’s eyes. Semi has never been that much taller than him.

Semi barely has to dip his head to meet Kenjirou’s lips.

Kenjirou doesn’t respond at first, somehow surprised despite how obviously Semi telegraphed the kiss. But before Semi can pull back, Kenjirou grabs the front of his shirt, fisting the fabric as he does his best to follow up. He’s only been kissed a few times before, but Semi is patient, and though Kenjirou can feel his heart roaring in his ears, the kiss itself is slow. When Semi does pull back, it takes a moment for Kenjirou to open his eyes, surfacing like he’s swimming through warm water.

“I really do have to go,” Semi says, regret obvious in his voice. “Wanna hang out sometime?”

“I’m pretty busy,” Kenjirou says on reflex. It’s what he always says to offers to hang out, partly because it’s true, but mostly because he’s never been the best at dealing with new people. Semi’s face falls in disappointment, though, so Kenjirou hastens to add, “But I’m usually free on Sundays.”

He’s not, not really – he uses them as a catchup day – but he doesn’t have specific obligations.

“I’ll text you,” Semi says. “Pay more attention to LINE.”

“I’m doing my best,” Kenjirou says.

Semi huffs a laugh, still close enough for Kenjirou to feel it, and hands his cigarette back, waving over his shoulder as he walks away. Kenjirou doesn’t put it back in his mouth, though, just watches as it burns down to the filter.

“Hey, ready to…whoa.” Kenjirou looks up at Taichi. “You good.”

Kenjirou nods mutely. Taichi looks concerned for all of another second before he must see the truth in the blush Kenjirou can still feel in his cheeks, and a shit-eating grin spreads across his face.

“Shut up,” Kenjirou snaps, turning to walk home.

“Get some.”

“Shut up!”

[shawnpetermuffins]

Decode

Based very loosely off the song decode by paramore.

A/n: I wrote this in 25 minutes. Sorry if it's trash.

Summary: you're supposed to be dating Shawn, so why does everyone think he's dating someone else?

Word count: 1.2k

***

And we're in yet another fight. Over her of course. At this point, I don't even know what's real and what's not. Which isn't what I should be feeling with him. We've been dating for just under two years, privately mostly, but his fans know about me. I just made it clear to Shawn when we started dating that I didn't want to be everywhere. There are things that he puts up with on his own because this is what he chose to do, but it's not what I chose. He respects that. But now he's parading around a girl that's not me because management thinks it'll be good for him to be seen out more.

What really sucks about this though, is that no one thought to ask me how I felt about it? No one thought to ask me how I felt about my boyfriend being seen holding hands and hugging, and fucking making out with someone else in public? Someone who has never even tried to get to know me in our long term relationship, but claims to be my boyfriend's best friend. Someone who has lied in interviews when asked about mine and Shawn's relationship. Saying things like "oh, we're so close! Almost as close and me and Shawn! I love her so much! They make the perfect couple." If she really thought that, she would have come to me herself and asked if I would be okay with her literally groping my boyfriend and sticking her tongue down his throat in the most crowded coffee shop imaginable. But she didn't. And neither did he. Which is why we're where we are now, screaming at each other for not understanding the other's side.

"Are you seriously picking her again? You don't see at all where I'm coming from? You're taking her side?!"

"Why the hell are there sides?"

"You tell me!" I fling my arms dramatically. This really wasn't the time to do this, he's finished his concert and just now thought to tell me that he wouldn't be spending his one day off with me, but instead would be flying out to LA to see her. "You tell me why I'm suddenly not being treated like your girlfriend anymore?"

"Oh, come on! You're being ridiculous!"

"Am I?" I scoff, "I can see how that's easy for you to blame me for this. But I won't take it. I won't, Shawn. I didn't fucking sign up for this. The entire goddamn world thinks you're dating someone else and not a single one of them cares about the fact that we haven't broken up! That we've never led on to a breakup! All they care about is Shawn Mendes playing fucking tonsil hockey with his so called best friend!"

"Y/n, you know it's to help sales."

"It was! Now I'm not so sure. How did we get here, Shawn? Because I'm looking at you right now and I don't even know you. I don't know the person standing in front of me, and frankly, I don't want to. And I think I know now what it is."

"You think you know what?"

"This change. You're not man enough to tell me yourself, but clearly you don't have to. Those pictures, staged or not, show enough. I see it in your eyes. You want her, and maybe it's just the idea of her. Maybe it's the fact that you can go out in public and be seen with her and she's fine with that because she wants to be photographed. She wants everyone to see her. She wants the world to know her and her relationship status and she wants to be relevant to people. You love that. You love that you can share that with someone. But you know that's not what I want and that I've never wanted that."

"Y/n, that's not true. We're just trying to sell the song. I'm with you aren't I? I'm dating you. Have been for a while now, in case you've forgotten."

"I haven't!" I point to myself. "But you apparently have. Because this whole fake relationship is probably the worst thing you've done in your life. You're lying to everyone. Including me. Including your family. And fuck, you're even lying to yourself. Because you may think that you're still with me, but you're not. You know why?"

"No," he runs his hands through his still sweaty hair, "but I'm sure you're gonna tell me."

"You're not with me, because the time we could be spending together, loving each other, you've chosen to spend on a flight to LA to be seen in yet another goddamn coffee shop, near a window with optimal view of you holding holding her hand, and her stroking your chest, and resting her legs in your lap, and you kissing her on the lips. Do you even realize that you've done what you said you never would? You cheated!! You cheated and you don't even see it, you don't even care!"

"I DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU! It's fake!" His voice echoes through the room and I know that anyone loitering in the halls of the arena could hear him. "How dare you accuse me of that!"

Now it's my turn to get loud, "YOU KISSED HER, SHAWN!" I take in a harsh breath, "You kissed her not once, but twice! That's not cheating? What is it then?!"

He sighs, "Lower your voice. Everyone can hear us," he says lowly.

"That's what you care about? That people can hear? Fucking let them then! Because they can see, too. And I know they've all seen that you and I aren't the same anymore."

"I'm still me, y/n-"

"No you're not!" I cry. "You're not the same Shawn I fell in love with. And I can't keep lying for you. I can't keep making excuses. You've made such a fool out of me, out of us. Out of your fans. Do you see that? Do you see that you've completely shattered any trust I could ever have in you again?"

"But, I didn't mean to. That's not what I was trying to do. Y/n, I love you. You know that."

"I thought I did. But I don't feel it anymore. You don't show it anymore. Because you're so consumed… in her." I let out a deep breath. "I'm going home. I can't do this anymore."

"No, baby. Don't leave." He reaches for me, but I quickly pull back.

"Why shouldn't I? You're doing it! You're doing it to be with someone else. I'm doing this for me. Because whatever has possessed you to be so invested in the publicity of this, it's killing our relationship. No, no. It's killed our relationship."

"What?" And he reaches for me again, this time taking hold of my clammy hands. "No, we can fix this. I know we can. Let me fix it. This whole PR thing will be over in a couple months and then we can talk this all out and we'll be okay."

I let out a bitter laugh, "I wish that could be true. But there's no fixing what you've broken. I'm done, Shawn. I don't want to be with someone who is always going to put his career and reputation - or now lack thereof - before me. So you go to LA and you get photographed with her, and you promote your song, and you forget that we ever happened. Because as far as I'm concerned, it wasn't real anyway." I take my hands roughly out of his and turn to the locked door. Practically his entire team is standing there, eyes wide. I push past them with a tight lipped smile, but I stop halfway down the hall when I hear Shawn's voice.

"You're seriously just gonna walk away from this? You expect me to just forget about us?"

I face him, still so angry and say, "Why don't you call Camila? I'm sure she can help you through this breakup just like you helped her. Have a nice time in LA, Shawn. I hope this works out for you. I hope you're happy." And I leave again without another word to anyone.

***

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