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#and i need to call my doctor but i dont even know what to say
mothmanns · 2 years
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ranting in tags
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my mum's staying for the weekend pray for me
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seaweedstarshine · 28 days
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Sometimes I think of Amy Pond, who grew up being called mad by those who wielded the word as a tool of exclusion and shame —
Amy Pond, who though forced into the hands of four psychiatrists, still clung to that which they called madness until those systems which elevate psychosocial conformity above humanity stripped it from her —
Amy Pond, whose imaginary friend reappeared for a single hour after twelve years and reignited that faith before disappearing for two more years —
Amy Pond, who spent those those two years under the same implicit threat ingrained in her through psychiatric violence, and thus began to believe the man who stopped the invasion was “just a madman with a box,” only for him to agree, and to also call her “mad, impossible Amy Pond,” reframing madness as non-negative for the first time in her life —
Amy Pond, who ignored the disembodied voice of her imaginary friend even as she ran away with him for real, who still lived each day with the traumatic internalization of deviancy dictated upon her by the psychiatric-industrial complex that shaped her from childhood —
Amy Pond, who wouldn't acknowledge the Doctor's voice, such that it took an Angel in her eye that was literally killing her to ensure she couldn't reality check herself —
Amy Pond, who stood before a room which muttered about “the psychiatrists we brought her to,” and though afraid, escaped their rigid parameters of acceptable existence.
#I like seeing it as indicating she began hearing his voice when he was gone for all those years! why else wouldn't she say anything?#actually psychotic Amy agenda#Amy Pond#eleventh doctor#reclaimed language#oh look its another antipsychiatry themed doctor who post#sumn abt in Fairies At The Bottom Of The Garden audio AND Imaginary Enemies comic we see Amelia bein called slurs against psychotic people#(shes called psycho in both)#like!!! and SO MUCH OF AMYS STORY is about her claiming her agency in ways that previous companions weren't allowed to-#companions whose status as a Wife was a signifier of an to end of their value individually- 'this is no place for a married woman' etc#in some cases Wife-ness forced upon them *as* a denial of agency 'I spent all that time trying to find you I'm not going back now!' etc#whereas Amys story deconstructs that; Amys “Choice” is an illusion- Amy being a Wife doesn't demote her agency as an companion#anyways I love that aspect of reclaimed agency for Amy but ALSO#“madness” as an expression of agency against systems of oppression is SO relevant. the mind defends itself and the alternative isnt better#the oppressive system in this case being ableist structures and the psychiatric system ITSELF which is a whole other layer#the moral being that even if the Doctor WAS a delusion? he'd still be a needed coping mechanism for a child who says “ppl always leave”#and instead of examining her feelings of abandonment they insist 'aLiENs DoNt ExIsT' as seen in the 'sTaRs DoNt ExIsT' psychiatrist in TBB#they don't care that she's in PAIN- why would they?- they just care that she's 'abnormal' and therefore not deserving of humanity#(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag#I mean technically this is about Amy but I once (twice) used that tag on the post about the Master. its the spirit of it!#and Amy Pond + her Raggedy Doctor as “mad” people is very *chefs kiss*#((you know what im putting the tag on my last Amy post :D ))#Mels experienced this very differently and I'll make a post about her at some point- I just wanna make sure my points are got across better#sumn abt Amelia's “crazy” was Mels' “delinquency.” Amy treated as if she doesn't know her own life while Mels treated as threatening#sumn abt adultification of Black girls while Amy is infantilized#Amy Pond who could rewrite reality in a reborn universe because she grew up with a Crack in her wall that no one believed was special —#ableism#saneism#unreality#because I mean Amy's stand against psychiatric dehumanization was to REWRITE THE UNIVERSE with her Crack powers
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moodr1ng · 1 year
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twice recently ppl who work in mental health care have asked me about how having schizoaffective disorder affects my relationships and while there is a legit answer to that. the reason theyre asking is bc they think "schizoaffective" means something about affection or relationships. so i sit there and explain literally the diagnostic criteria of schizoaffective disorder. to ppl who are mental health providers. and to be clear i explain it bc they legit do not know what schizoaffective disorder means. so thats normal
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vanillu-script · 2 years
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my dad will comfort and hold my crying mother to the ends of the earth but me? Oh I'm actually less conversationally important than the fucking WWE Goldberg biopic
#'and nobody fucking cares' 'i dont think thats true'#what the fuck would you know. you won't even look at me.#if im sobbing he'll continue to discuss whats on the tv.#and i wish i didnt have to fucking say anything about it to him to begin with but its months for counselors.#my friends have it worse than me. just reconnected with a highschool friend who is amazing at grounding me but shes 22 with fucking fibro.#she doesnt need my trash especially since i havent physically seen her in like 3 years. and i cant help her the way she helps me.#nobody will listen. when they do: im a mentally ill stereotype and an annoyance. its not unrealistic that people would see me this way.#its horrible.#and because i am mentally ill and distressed no one wants to acknowledge why im distressed: physical fucking symptoms#if i suffer for 2-3 more months and then get treated and better then thats. well. something.#if my head is right and im unreparable or i die i want it to be said that i fucking hate everyone for not listening.#this klonopin is taking too long to hit. i just want to be fully sedated into a coma until they can fix me.#i dont ever want to look at anything. even when im happy or enjoying myself im mortified by how my world is now.#ive been dissociating for years but never this. everything looks fucking wrong. sleep brings no comfort. the spins come at night.#tomorrow im going to call about klonopin and see if theyll let me have more. not taking it every day. but honestly. in terms of peace#of course. my doctor also recommends ketamine. haha. thatll be something.#ok. i think my brain is slowing .#fuzzy.#personal#delete later#vent //
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shatteredfears-arch · 2 years
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i gained sudden muse bc i saw cj/dani reply to cassie
and what do i do the second i go on lappy
browse carrd templates
#out.#...... i'm not saying i don't like mine anymore#bc i love it i got two in the deal i can link whoever to the page you can buy the template from#bc even tho i pay for carrd premium i am too stupid to figure out how to do shit myself entirely#except the making each think link to larger bios i did that myself that did not come with the template#the template was just the mini bios i made the large bios myself#where you click on the mini bios name and it leads you to the large i mean#i did that#btu i am not intelligent or brilliant like cj or ty or literally all yall magicians w your work#i bought my psd bc i knew i couldnt make one pretty enough for ppl to wanna interact w me#bc all mine didn't color block or anything#and honestly the one i use from i believe kuro is so frickan gORGEOUS like wtf they're a genius i wish i could donate a livers worth of#money to them they deserve everything bc how tf do you that brilliant how#my area of work is edits colors are so unbelievably hard on me lmao#my vision my first ever eye doctor test was 20/25#and by the second i needed#i dont know what they're called i think it was like 145 something in the numbers but my mom had to#figure out what that meant bc sams clubs number system is fucking weird#my lenses aren't like thick thick but they arent thin and my visions just gotten worse#i rly need to do the eye doctor thing before my insurance runs out in december lol#maybe wednesday idk#i cant even see what im writing here rn and for once its nothing to do w dyslexia it is entirely my vision sucking#since i cracked my head open two years ago i can't see v well at all#ironically it was also cracking my head open that made my ex //friends// call me selfish and attention seeking like#im so sorry i almost died for attention somehow by non chalantly mentioning it a week later lol#ppl are weird idk man#i cant see#that was my point#thats probably why i like to lean into cass obvious vision issues bc SAME GIRL SAME#only i'm not entirely blind in my oen eye yet but
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arcadequeerz · 15 days
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ton of shit i need to do and i'm just
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sweet-as-kiwis · 1 year
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You would think disability services would make it Easy to get your accommodations but noooo of Course not
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spectrumgarden · 3 months
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I know I'm shouting into the void with this one but like. Genuinely so many low support needs people dont understand what it's like having even medium support needs. Like I am entirely dependent on other people for many of my needs. I can not see a doctor without someone else scheduling the appointment, taking me there and doing a large amount of the communication for me.
If my caretaker had not been accepting of me being trans and invested hundreds of hours into psych appointments and taking me to my endocrinologist and doing all the paperwork involved with my name change and literally taking a week off work to stay with me in the hospital for surgery etc i would have just like. Never transitioned. My ability to transition was entirely dependent on a singular person and that's what a lot of other parts of my life are like as well. and that's fucking terrifying and a great way to be neglected and abused in ways that are horribly hard to get away from.
I dont drive, I dont work, I struggle to leave the house at all, I dont fucking communicate with people majority of the time. The things that are hard for you? I probably can not do them to begin with. No one in my family lives even close to a comparable life to me. None of my irl friends do. I'm incredibly isolated.
And then I go online and see people rant about how easy MSN and HSN people have it because we just get everything we need and how because people can tell we are disabled everything is so easy because none of you even manage to listen to us talk about the neglect and abuse and trauma we face/d. I see people angry at their (more) disabled siblings for getting care they need to survive instead of mad at society for creating a system where its incredibly hard for families to take care of both a higher support needs child and another child.
And I see people who live completely independent lives who work and drive and make their own doctors appointments and grocery shop and travel by themselves call themselves MSN (I could go on a rant about how that's also often the fault of LSN influencers for not leaving a lot of room in their own community for legitimate struggle but that's for another day).
I just want my needs met. I want to be able to decide where I live. I want choice in my care. I want to be able to have community with those like me. I want others to realize I exist and leave the words i have to describe my existence alone. I want others to listen to what I have to say about what my life is like.
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xxlelaxx · 1 year
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I'm so over people making their problems someone else's problem. Listen buddy, you got issues, you take care of it. Don't make everyone else around you do it. Figure it out cause everyone else has to do that too <3
#ignore me#today has been a shit day and honestly i cant handle people anymore#we're not in the us you can get a diagnosis i do not care how hard it is or how much you struggle with asking for help#i do not care in the slightest. everyone else struggles with something so figure it out#but it is not my job to keep nursing feelies or doing double the work cause you just don't wanna be bothered with it#i hate this kind of thinking#i hate people who dont take responsibility for shit they do#first my dumb job fucks up and i have to wander threee hours in the cold just to find out that the kid isnt even at school#like you couldn have done one fucking phone call??? and then they say I'm so sorry it went like that???? what do you mean??? it didnt go#like that.. this was fully within your control and you fucked up AGAIN at least dont pretend otherwise#then my family as always messes up telling me stuff on time and planning anything in the slightest bit#like i do not give a fuck i gave you a week to figure out an approximate time slot.. i know it might be surprising but i am also a grown up#with responsibilities and i need to know if I'm gonna get home in the evening or not and how much waiting time i have cause then i might be#able to get some stuff done. i explained this a hundred times. i do not care. figure it out. its not my problem and honestly fuck off#if you need help go to the doctor you pay insurance for. it's not my fault you decide not to do anything about your issues#and my boyfriend has not been doing shit this week. i had to do the household alone again.#get a diagnosis or fix your behavior but its been years and I'm over it#we kicked out two people exactly for that kind of behavior and now you do the same???#do i look like your mom?? do you think I'll care??? if i have to keep asking you to do stuff for more than four months and you STILL dont#do them cause apparently you have the attention span of a fish and cant be bothered to put work into it it is not my problem#i dont care. potential adhd or depression are not a free out of jail card. figure it out. i had to do it too#i hate people so much#also what the fuck is wrong with people flirting on the job??? thats unprofessional and i do not care of youre cute. youre working#if i wanted to fucking get hit on i would go to the club or on dating sites not to the fucking bus driver#what the hell is wrong with people today????
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i-cant-sing · 5 months
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Yandere batfam with a sick reader?
Yes but sick reader who is still defiant because hello, they kidnapped you?????
Reader is just glaring at them with tired eyes and a red nose as they once again tuck her under the covers, Dick is highly worried as he frets over you like a mama hen because he did have a heart attack when he caught you standing in front of your open window, where "harsh" gusts of cold air were "attacking your fragile form", so of course, he had to drag you in and wrap his arms around you, rub his cheek against you because he NEEDS to warm you immediately, lest you die of hypothermia.
Yes, Dick overreacts. And yes, Damian will accompany his brother in his delusions, or well, take any chance he gets to scold you.
"You should be in bed, Y/n." Damian said sternly, his eyes narrowed because how dare you worry his favourite brother like this. "Didn't Dick tell you to rest? Are you that incapable of following simple commands?"
You narrowed your eyes back at him, opening your mouth to say something mean but got cut off by your own coughing fit, making Dick rush to help you drink some water, rubbing your back along it. Your throat felt scractchy, and it hurt to speak, but you still wanted to convey your feelings so-
You flipped him off. For a nano second, because Dick immediately grabbed your hand and tucked it back under the covers while Damian's eyes widened at you disrespect, but before he could make any more gremlin noises, but Bruce walked in and Damian knew better than to complain to him about you when youre already sick, cause Bruce wouldve still favoured you.
"Y/n? How do you feel now?" Bruce asked, his voice gentle as he walked closer to where Dick was throwing away your mountain of tissues.
"Im fine. I wanna go out-" "No." "And why not?" "Because youre sick." "You may be Batman, but youre not a doctor!" "I am your father though."
No, youre not. You wanted to say, but knew that would only piss him off and you need to be on his good side if you want Dick and the others to be off your back so that you can escape.
"Whats her temperature?" Bruce asked Dick, who put a thermometer in your mouth quickly. Dick sighed as he told Bruce how you were out of bed and standing in your balcony in the cold just moments ago.
Bruce placed a palm over your forehead, and you tried to move away but there wasnt really any space or energy for you to do that. Bruce's eyes shifted the slightest bit at your burning forehead. "Why do you insist on getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor? Ive already had to pick you up 3 times in the past 2 days."
You pulled out the thermometer and glared at him. "Im fine. Its just sniffles." Bruce's lip quirked a little. You looked absolutely adorable in your delirious state, like an angry kitten.
"I dont think its just sniffles this time. And-" Bruce pulled the thermometer from your hands that you were hiding under the covers. "-dont hide the thermometer from me." His eyes scanned it and the twitch in his brow was enough for Dick to know that the number was too high.
Bruce then eyed the cough syrup next to your side table- its still full.
"Why havent you been taking your medicine?"
"Im not sick-"
"White paint has more color than you do right now. So why havent you been taking the medicine?" Bruce asked and even though he was a little annoyed, he had enough practice dealing with the other kid's rebellious phases to have the patience of a saint.
You shrugged. "How do I know its just cough syrup and not a sedative?" "It is a sedative too. Its supposed to make you sleepy." "Well, I dont wanna sleep and let my guard down in a house full of 5 strange men." You obviously never counted Alfred- hes the only normal one here- except for the part that he wont call the cops for you, but oh well.
Bruce just casted a look to Dick and before you knew it, Dick was pinching your nostrils close and titling your head up while Bruce grabbed the syrup and poured some in your mouth before clamping his hand over it. You struggled to break free, but you were obviously no match to them. Still, tears of frustration pricked your eyes as you looked at them in betrayal and hatred.
"Drink this and dont argue with me, please." Bruce said- well, he genuinely requested at this point.
You didnt have much of a choice other than swallowing it.
With a defiant glare, you begin closing your eyes as your body gave into the effects of the drug, the last thing that you felt were Bruce kissing your forehead while Dick pecked your cheek.
Jason finally decides to drop by the Wayne manor, only to be greeted with the sight of reader lying on the kitchen floor. His heart stopped for a moment- you werent breathing-
"Y/n!" He rushed to your side, only to be smacked in the face by you.
"Shush. Dont be too loud." Your voice sounded like sandpaper against rocks.
Jason huffed. "Well, sorry for freaking out. I thought you were dead-"
"From a cough? Im not weak."
"Yeah? So, what exactly are you doing on the cold floor in the middle of the night?"
"..."
"Well?"
"What? So I cant even take a nap in this house? Jesus Christ, am I allowed to have any autonomy here?"
"Y/n." Jason called, clearly unamused by your sarcasm.
"Fine. I may have fallen and then didnt have the energy to get up, so im just catching my breath here."
"Why are you even out of bed?"
"I was hungry and Im not gonna drink another spoon of Alfred's bland soup again." Alfred made it bland on purpose so that your throat wouldnt be irritated.
"Please stop wasting whats left of your voice on complaints of the soup that you cant even taste." Jason chuckled as he picked you up, only for you to push at his chest weakly.
"I dont need your help. I can walk on my own."
Jason quirked a brow. "If you can make it to the front door without fainting or throwing up, I'll help you escape." You stared at the front door- it wasnt too far, but judging by the fact that its even hard for you to breathe properly and that youve fainted way too many times by just standing for more than a couple of minutes.
But youre stubborn. With great effort, you pushed yourself off Jason and used the kitchen island to pull yourself up. Jason decided to walk in front of you and stand near the kitchen exit because he really wanted to see your struggling face.
You took a trembling step, then another, one hand still using the support of the island until it ended and you were only a couple of feet away from Jason. At this point, you were already out of breath and when you took another step, your legs gave out and the room began spinning.
Luckily, Jason was quick to react. "Alright, just place your arm around mine- or just fall on me, that works too." He teased when you couldnt hold your body weight.
You slumped in his arms. "Just take me to my room." You huffed.
"Alright." Jason lifted your legs up and carried you back up the stairs. "You know you'd get better a lot faster if you just stayed in bed and took your medicine on time. Wouldnt that make your chances of escaping the manor better?"
You stared at him blankly. "Wow. The world must be ending for Jason Todd to be making logical suggestions."
Jason rolled his eyes as he tucked you in bed. "Im just saying, if you get better faster, you'll get to try running from us quicker too."
How do you explain to him that you just dont want to comply to them, even when they're helping you. How do you explain that you dont wanna listen to them because the soft pitiful, patronising look they get in their eyes when they look at you makes you wanna scream and carve your skin out. These are strangers, rich men who just kidnapped you to be a part of their family. No one is that kind. And nothing ever comes for free. Nothing.
"Do you need something? Food, perhaps?" Jason asked. You shook your head. "No, I think Im gonna throw up."
"Oh shit." Jason was hauling his ass out of the room t get you a bucket, only to return with a backpack.
You barely held your puke as you asked. "Wait- whose is this?"
"I dont know!? Damian's?!"
You grinned. "Oh, perfect." You proceeded to throw up into Damian's bag. That little shit just got on your nerves.
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BONUS:
"I know you have attachment issues with your blanket but its been a couple of days now and you need to let me wash it." Dick said, trying to tug it out of your grip.
You sniffled and glared. "Im not a child who needs their blankie, Dick. Im just too cold without it and no other blanket can warm me up the same way it does."
"Give the blankie, Y/n." Dick said seriously.
"Its not a blankie." You retorted, but before you could react, Tim suddenly grabbed you while Dick ripped away the blanket. And even though he immediately replaces it with a clean blanket, you still let out a gut wrenching cry
"You'll have it back tomorrow-" Tim starts saying, only for you to sneeze directly in his face, making him freeze.
"And that's why we use tissues." Dick says, wiping both your nose and Tim's face with tissues, while you're not making any effort to suppress the grin that comes on your lips.
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fairuzfan · 2 months
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would you classify “jihadist” as a slur? personally i feel like it’s mainly used by islamophobic white people who want to demonise and antagonise muslim people.
tbh even “islamists” feels like a slur. like no muslim calls themselves these terms. and i’ve only ever heard these be used when white people are trying to spread hate.
i think there needs to be more discussion within western communities on the language surrounding muslims and arabs (because they love conflating the two). people should be held accountable for saying islamophobic shit just as much as they’re held accountable for saying any other sort of slur/hateful comment.
honestly "islamist" doesn't even make sense as a term to me because like what do you mean? its different from "islamic extremists" (which is kinda a vague term in itself) because it implies something intrinsic to islam that is violent and shady that muslims are trying to push. are you saying that salafis for example represent the majority of muslims? if so, i personally would disagree lol. its a super vague term that doesn't mean anything other than "i hate muslims."
"jihadist" also doesn't make sense because islamically speaking, jihad is a pretty wide concept that means different things in different scenarios. im not going to go too much into this, but "jihad" doesn't mean anything involving armed conflict intrinsically. the way i learned it is that its a "struggle" you do in the name of Allah. so things like studying to be a doctor (as long as it's for the purpose to please God) can be considered jihad. so like, when people use "jihadist" in the west im like.... ok... you clearly don't know the history and context and you're vilifying the concept of jihad overall.
you're right, i agree that these terms are only ever used to vilify and spread hate. when people use these terms they show me what type of person they are. and even when they call people terrorists (which in the united states, terror laws were specifically conceived and strengthened to criminalize palestinian resistance, even unarmed) its obvious that they're doing this to de-legitimize. because they never call israel terrorists because its state sanctioned violence. they view anything that isn't a "state" as terror activity because they consider the state as the only legitimate use of force and violence. israel was literally founded on terrorism of palestinians. but they never use those words to describe israel, do they?
but yeah i generally don't take people who say these things seriously and i don't think anyone should either. of course there are terror groups around the world that are LEGIT terrorists, but when talking about palestine, the media and even the law only calls palestinians terrorists. i dont know how to combat it other than rolling my eyes and talking over them tho. this is a problem within media overall thats so widespread.
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wannabelife · 5 months
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fantasize – csc
pairing: seungcheol x fem reader
genre: smut
synopsis: your friend hurt his ankle in his dance class and needs you to help him to do the basic things. what you didn't know it's that you gonna need to give more than just a hand.
warnings: long ass built-up, i think that's the longest smut i've ever done, nursing student yn, sub cheol, dom service reader, cheol from the last live type of image, unproctect sex (be safe y'all!!! that's just fiction), oral m receiving, fingering, handjob, voyeurism, praise and use of the word slut
a/n: last one of the year!!! planning some things for 2024, and lmk if you have any requests :))) happy holidays guys and a beautiful new year to y'all <3
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you were dozing off in front of your school books when your phone starts to ring, startling you. the number "never answer" popped up on your screen, and contrary to what it says, you click on the green button accepting the call.
"hello?"
"hello my bestest best friend"
"what do you need now, jeonghan?"
"my god, not even a 'how are you?' 'how's your day?' nothing?"
"go on, jeonghan, i do not have the patience"
all you can hear is his breathy laugh on the other side before he finally goes to the point. it seems harsh of you, but that's normal in your friendship, none of you minding this kind of treatment, knowing it's just how it is with you.
"okay... actually two things" you roll your eyes as he speaks, and thanks god he is not seeing you, because he would whine about that.
"cheolie got his ankle injured in the dance class yesterday, im taking care of him, but he keeps sighing in pain, and i dont know what to do"
"did the doctor not prescripted any painkillers?"
"i lost the recipe on the way back home from the hospital"
"well, that's seungcheol's fault for trusting you" you take a breath "ice and a generic painkiller won't be a problem if the pain aint going away"
"nice"
"and the other thing?" you ask.
"so, saturday..."
"no! no, i cant."
"let me finish it, at least!" you sigh and he goes on "saturday i have something to do during the day. dont you have like three or four hours of your day just to check on him... make sure he has something to eat, takes shower, his medicine and everything... the man can't even leave his bed"
"hmm alright. that's ok with me."
"why were you so reluctant to give in that easily?"
"oh come on, hannie... you know you. that's, by far, the easiest thing you've ever asked from me. its quite cute, actually."
"i told seungcheol to ask someone, but you know... he can be stubborn sometimes... he keeps saying he'll be ok by himself"
"what if he really wants to be alone... i wont go if he is not comfortable with it"
"he can't barely walk, yn. he needs some assistance"
"ok... just make sure he knows im going"
"i will. thank you so much, that's a huge help, really. you are the best!"
"i know"
saturday comes, and you decide to go to cheol's around 11pm. you will probably buy some takeout to make sure he eats. you've texted him a few times during the week to ask how's the recovering, and it seems its getting better. it feels like your help will just really need to be an assistance.
getting at his place, you disk the pass code on the front that jeonghan texted you beforehand. you slowly come in, letting your shoes by the door. you've been here a few times, but it's not like you are used to it.
"hello? cheol? im here" you exclaim in a way he can possibly hear wherever he is around the house, but no answer comes.
you let your things on the living room, walking carefully further down his place "seungcheol?" you say, looking around shyly.
you get near to his bedroom door that is closed. what gets your attention is the whinning coming from inside it. your eyes getting big with worry, remembering jeonghan saying how he does it when in pain.
another whine comes, a bit louder, with a groan after it "cheol? can you hear me? are you ok?" you get closer to the door, not wanting to open before he says you can. you are really worried, what if he's trying to get up alone, or even worse, if he fell down while trying it... another groan "seungcheol, can i come in? are you fine?" you try again and nothing.
you hear a gasp this time, and you just decide to go in, what if something happened? he is not answering. you open the door of his room lightly, a little squeaky leaving your month in surprise.
"yn!? fuck!" seungcheol exclaims when he catches your presence, but you close the door fast enough to cut his words. there aint no way you just saw seungcheol half naked on his bed, hand on his hard cock for your eyes to see, a vein popping up while he strokes his length. he wasn't reacting from pain, but quite the opposite.
you walk fast to the living room, not knowing what you should do, until you hear him from his room "yn, wait! wait, please!" he grunts, trying to get his body up from the bed, his pants already in place as he tries to stand up.
you hear the metal of his crutch clicking, and you run over to his door again "no, no, seungcheol, are you standing up? stay there!" your voice gets a bit higher from usual so he gets the point.
you are standing outside the closed door like a coward, your ears touching the wooden material of it, so you can hear whatever he's trying to say from inside.
"i wanna talk to you" he says "i can walk"
"no! stay there, im serious!" you exclaim again, worried that he might fall or hurt if he gets up. you hear a breathy laugh from the other side.
"are you going to stay outside or are you coming in to talk?" he says "if you dont, im getting up"
"are you dressed?" you ask and he scoffs, laughing a bit again.
"of course im dressed, yn. come in, please"
"well, you weren't before" you say it quietly for yourself before finally opening the door.
he is sitting on the edge of the bed, the crutch hanging on his side. he looks at you at his door, he cant help the look he gives you up and down, you feel your cheeks getting flushed from his stare as you glup dryly.
this happens just for a few seconds before he looks down his feet and say "im sorry, i didn't know you were coming. that shouldn't have happened"
that can just be jeonghan's fault, and you wanna roll your eyes again because of him. he told you he would make sure seungcheol was ok with it.
"so, i am sorry then. jeonghan said you were fine with me coming. i can go if you wanna be alone"
"you can stay. its not like i didn't want you here, i'd just finally have some time alone" you understand him, he is on that bed for days and jeonghan is probably not leaving his side for days. he is happy he has a friend like him but he is only human and also like his alone time too.
"i am really sorry for earlier" he says again
"lets leave that there, right? its ok" you say to him and he gives you a subtle smile "i brought you lunch" you state.
"thank you" he smiles again "i just need a shower first, then we can eat"
"alright. take your time" you say, getting on your back to walk out the room.
"hm... yn, i-" he starts but stop it quite shyly. you look back at him.
"what?" you encourage him to keep going.
"i need help to get on the bathroom" you panicked, and you hate that you let it so unworn that he immediately realizes it "no! you wont see anything! just help me walk there" you nod, relieved, going his way to help him.
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you grunt tossing over your bed again, stretching your arm to the table beside it so you can reach your phone to check the time. 2:43am. you cant sleep, you've been in bed since midnight and that's stressing you out.
you sit, laying on the heardboard, your hands going to your face, another grunt leaves in frustration. why the fuck seungcheol have to have such a beautiful cock? its literally making you lose your sleep. and its not like you have completely seen it, he was half covered with the blanket and you peak only a few seconds, but the prominent vein and perfect length can't be possibly forgotten.
the real question is, why are you even losing sleep because of some dick? you are starting to get annoyed. so you play a random podcast on your phone, hoping it will help you fall asleep. you lay again, the speakers not too loud as you close your eyes, getting comfy on the sheets.
the nice and soothing voice of all those podcast speakers sounding like lullaby to your ears. you feel your body relaxing by seconds.
a hand reaching to your thighs, caressing the naked flesh. slowly getting closer to your core until the fingers slightly crossed over your closed clit, your breath is getting stuck to your throat, "do you need help, yn?" seungcheol's voice says causing goosebumps on your skin.
"wh- what are you doing here?"
"couldn't sleep thinking about you either" he says sliding his hand under your panties "oh, you're wet already"
all you do is whine as he starts to slide his finger up and down your center. seungcheol is getting closer, his mouth setting a delicate kiss to your neck as your breath gets heavier.
"does it feel good?" he whispers on your ear when he starts to massage your clit. you're moaning, your cheeks red, not knowing how did this started at first place.
he slips a finger inside and you become a moaning mess, his name like a prey on your tongue. he kisses harder and sucks on your skin, making you clench around him. he adds another finger and you feel yourself closer to the edge.
"are you close, baby?" the nickname makes you moan his name again "then, wake up"
your clock start ringing, your eyes opening fast, startled by the sound "fuck!" you groan. you fell asleep without noticing, and it couldn't get worse than having a wet dream with him.
you hit the clock beside you, silencing its ring tone, before getting up to work, and also to clean the wet mess between your legs.
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you were able to get on campus on time for your first class of the day. you completed ignore the fact that you just met seungcheol outside in a wheelchair, chatting with jeonghan and joshua when you arrived. all the nervousness gathering around your stomach, remembering the shameless dream you had. you made it short with them, running over to your class soon.
right now, you are done for the day, at your living room table, books spread all over it, a way too common scenery for you. at least today is friday and you can have a much needed rest.
you close the notebook in front of you, resting your head on the back of the sofa, closing your eyes for a bit. you're interrupted by your phone ringing, you come closer, your eyes peaking to try seeing who it is calling.
with your phone on your hands now, your eyes get big as you look to the screen lighting with cheol's name on it. if you wait too long, the call is going to end, so you rush to answer.
"hello?" you sound unsure for some reason.
"hi, y/n? are you busy right now?"
"hmmm... not really, why?"
"you sure? dont want to bother if you are"
you wanna say yes but you are nervous, you dont know what is going to be the next words.
"i finished rehab just now and the way back is around your house, so i thought about calling. do you want to meet up?"
there it is. he wants to meet up, oh lord.
"sounds good. im a bit tired, tho. do you mind coming over?"
"it'd be the best anyways. im on my way"
"okay, bye!" you hang up, a smile on your lips. then it hits you... he is coming here. right now.
you rush to stow all your material. putting some things in place too, which wasnt hard, your house its pretty neat. you also take a quick shower, already hearing the doorbell once you come out.
as you open the door, it feels like the time stopped for a second. seungcheol is in casual clothes, baggy black jeans and shirt, a hoodie hugging his upper body, the cap of it on his head as his now long hair matches his beauty perfectly. his body is steady by the crutch on his both sides. his dimples make its way on his cheeks as he smiles to you by the door.
"come in" you say and he does, living his shoes beside yours on his way inside.
"i brought some takeout" he says as you rush to take it from his hands, leaving the plastic bag at the kitchen island.
you ask him if he wants anything to drink as he sets himself at the table. you eat it out with the beer he asked you. time going by as you chat with each other comfortably.
its kind of a new situation for you two. you first met because of jeonghan, but you've never gotten this close until now. you go out together with your other friends in common and have a nice relationship, but its the first time you two do something alone.
"i wonder why jeonghan called you to go check on me that day" he says cutting your thoughts.
"was it bad?" you laugh breathy, surprised by the sudden statement.
"no, no! its just because we have our group of friends as you know, you are in it. i was just surprised you were his choice between them"
"probably because i work on the healthy system" you say, knowing people are aware of you finishing your last year of nursing school.
"oh! you're right." he exclaims, it now hitting him.
you smile, staring at how cute his pouty lips look when he is thinking. you admire his plump lips and suddenly remember the dream you had just tonight, and then his coc- FUCK! stop! you think to yourself, that's not the time.
the silence takes the room after so much conversation and you decide to clean the table, hoping it cleans your mind too. you take the empty bags to the trash and when you go back to catch the stools left, cheol is jumping his way to the couch. hanging the crutch on the side as he signs after he sits. you laugh a bit, finding cute the way he jumped his way there to get faster, but getting worried once he sighs.
"is it hurting?" you ask, taking the cups and plates to the kitchen.
"its affordable" he laughs it out "it hurts a bit sometimes but its getting less constant" you pout even tho that's a good sign. you feel bad for him.
"is there anything i can do to help?" you say coming back from the kitchen. the table all cleaned up now.
"not really, just come sit here" is all he says, a smile playing on his face. oh my god, why is your tummy getting twisted.
you make your way to him, sitting kinda shy beside him, even tho that's your own familiar house. you stare at each other, not saying anything, you play an awkward grin to him and he smiles endearing. what's happening? you think in your head.
you coff slightly, breaking the silence "do you want a bag of ice for your ankles? is it still hurting?"
you both look down his ankles, his little stitch showing from the cirurgy he had, you grimace in empathy thinking about it and how it must hurt.
"not really"
"can i take a look?" you ask looking at him now.
"why?" he says. oh god, jeonghan is so right, he is kinda stubborn.
"im a nurse, you know..." you fight back lightly.
"not yet. you said you are on your last year still" he smirks and you roll your eyes.
"oh my god, seungcheol. are you scared or something? im not gonna hurt you" you say getting up from his side to go take a look. making his eyes turn big that you cant help but laugh "you are scared, um" you contest.
"no, i am not" he say it in a defensive tone and you laugh again. what a big baby.
in order to look at his ankle, you have to knee yourself in between his legs, as you are taking your position, you realize what a big mistake you did. you glup, going down. he's looking at you, his breath getting stuck when you moved, but he tried not to show his surprise.
you take his foot on your hands, taking care not to hurt him "is this ok?" you ask not spearing a glance.
"yes"
you look closer, seeing it slightly red, you press your thumb around it until you get on a place that makes him react, so you know where it's sore.
"hm, its not inflamed, just sore, i dont think you need ice, maybe a painkiller if it doesn't go away" you do your final words and he nods. but you cant see, so you look up at him with the lack of response and you see his adam's apple going up and down "what's the problem?" you ask.
"nothing" he says more in a whisper "can you get up now, please?"
that's when you realize, you look around and at your position in between his legs, eyes on his, and now you get it. you get up in one motion "hm- i- sorry" you say.
"for what? thank you for checking" he tries to collect himself and you have no choice but do the same.
you make your way beside him again, and when you look back at him, he has one of your cushion in his lap, you try to suppress the smirk that is threatening to show but he notices it.
"what?"
"are you seriously hard right now?" you shamelessly say and he glups "all i have to do is get on my knees? that easy?"
"yn, dont do this." he says sharply.
"what am i doing?"
"y'know im trying to end a boner right now. i could fuck but wanna do it when i can make you feel good"
what did he just say right now? "what makes you think i'll let you fuck me?" you press.
you knew what you are doing, but you are surprised that he seems to want it just as much as you do.
"you can pay back later" you say slowly getting closer, placing your hand on the cushion, looking at him for some kind of permission.
he lets his arms off of it, and you take the cushion out of the way. he really has a boner, suddenly the image of his cock coming to your mind again as you breath deeply.
he takes his hand to your face making you look up at him now, taking your hair out of the way, he places his hand on your neck. you two getting closer by seconds, your nose slightly touching before he finally kisses you.
he has the softest lips you've ever kissed. it starts slow like you dont want to lose your breath, but it feels so good that it gets intense fast. you stay some minutes making out before he finishes it biting your lower lip.
"why dont you get on the position you were before?" he says looking at you as you waste no time in getting between his legs again.
he is looking down at you, his lips in between his teeth as his hips bulk forward. you slowly get your hand on his growing bulge, that makes you eager to make him feel good.
you tuck your hand under his shirt, caressing his torso, feeling it hardening at your touch. he takes the opportunity to take his shirt off of him "take yours too, leave the bra on" he demands and you do, throwing it somewhere behind you.
he stares at your breast and feels it tightening in his jeans. you place your hand back, slowly undoing his jeans. he helps you sliding it off as well as his underwear, leaving a gasp when his half hard cock gets free. you stare at the kind of familiar view, even prettier up close. you salivate gulping down, making seungcheol's member throb at your action. you smirk and massage his tighs, not getting where he needs you the most yet.
"fucking get on my cock" he groans and you get a bit surprised by his tone so you immediately do as he says "good girl" he praises and you moan, you fucking moan. never in your life you thought you could moan by just a man's words, he's not even touching you. you press your core seeking for relief.
as you are handing his dick, you collect the pre cum, spreading it out in your hand and at his member. you start pumping it until he gets fully erect.
he gets foward on his seat and you look up at him as he gives you a cheap grin while collecting your hair. you know what he's doing and you let him. once your hair is in a ponytail in his hands, he brings his other to your chin to look at him.
"open up" he demans caressing his thumb on your lip. you open it wide, sticking your tongue out, making him laugh "you know it well, hm?" he says and you nod dumbly.
he gets your hand out, the one that has been working on his cock until now, he looked at it messy with his juices and after to you "clean it"
you're not so sure if that's what he wants but you start to lick your palm, getting the first tastes of him, licking your indicator first and them finishing it with both middle fingers as you suck it dry, humming at it. he nods, approving what you did.
"now, lace your fingers together for me" you do it and he press them on your chest, not putting any pressure, just keeping in place "if it gets too much you tap my wrist, got it?" you nod "i need you to use words"
"yes" you answer.
"good. now show me how you will do it" he says and you undo your fingers, tapping at the side of his wrist "very good" he praises again and you gasp "calm down, you will get what you need now" he says as he pulls you upper on your knees "open up again for me" you do "now suck my cock, little slut" he demands and you dont excitate to put your lips around his head.
he moans, laying on the back of the sofa again "you're so obedient, arent you?" you hum as you work your tongue around it before sucking it, finishing with a pop.
he throws his head back and you finally start to fully suck him off. he presses your scalp, starting to make some pressure needing more of you to feel good. you relax on him, letting him take control, as he fucks your mouth harshly.
you're getting out breath, tears falling down your cheeks as you moan around him "fuck" he reacts, slightly throbbing on your tongue. he looks at you as your eyes roll back at his cock reaching the back of your throat.
he pushes you off of him, a line of spit connecting your lips to his head. your chest going up and down, "get up" he demands once again, freeing you from his hands.
you're up in front of him as he reaches to your shorts, starting to unbutton it "im the only one who gets to get naked, so unfair" he says, tugging your shorts down your legs as he hands your waist making you turn around with easy, you yelp in surprise "lay your back" he says and you go down, reaching for the table in front of you. before you can see it happening, he rips your thong from you.
"seungcheol!" you exclaim and he doesn't say much, looking at the wet spot you left on it "its all wet, you ruined it, it hadn't much use anyways" he defends and you scoff. again, before you can see it, he is slapping you on your left butt cheek, you yelp as your eyes close, feeling the pain turning into heat "behave" he says and you just reply with a weak "ok".
he lets his fingers go up and down your slick as you sigh at his touch "oh my god, did you get this wet just from sucking me? such a cock slut"
he brings his wet fingers to his mouth, cleaning it dry, humming at your taste "you taste so good, i could eat you out for hours if i wasnt so desesparate to fuck you" he gets his hand back to your core, drawing circles at your sensitive clit now. your hips go up, opening space for him, melting at the feeling of his fingers on you. you moan his name, almost whispering it as you throw your head back, the pleasure getting more intense as the time goes by.
he slides a finger inside and you're already clenching on his finger. he fucks you slowly, eventually adding a second finger to scratch you out. he speeds up, curling it slightly as he reaches your spot, you moan loudly. that's better than in your dreams.
"cheol... i- please" you say breathlessly, sounding dizzy because you felt like you were.
"what's that?" he askes slidding his fingers off of you as you cry out.
"fuck me, please! i- i need you" you say it getting your hips down on him, slightly touching his bare cock with your core as he groans.
"ok, needy" for the first time, he sounds not so composed.
one hand in your hips, another one in his cock, he angles it to your entrance. you start to sit on it until you bottoms up. you relax on him, both of you sighing, adjusting yourselves at the pressure.
he undo your bra so it slides down your arms before handing your waist again, keeping you in place as he starts to fuck you. your hands getting back on the table for some stability as you hear the sound of your skins meeting. his hands leaving marks on you as you moan.
suddenly, you feel his thrusts haunting as he groans, sitting back on the sofa. his head resting and he whimpers in frustration, feeling you throbbing around him, asking for more, from the lack of stimulation.
"im sorry" you say.
"dont be sorry" he reassures you.
"what's wrong?" you ask slidding it off of you, he gasps from the loss and you turn around to look at him.
firstly, he whimpers again, looking at your bare titties for the first time. you follow his line of view, noticing him staring immediately as he's hoping to suck all of it, leaving marks there is all he wants right now.
he collects himself, meeting your eyes "my ankle is hurting from that position" he says, frustrated.
you get closer, caressing his hair back "that's ok. im sorry it hurts" you pout. he's looking up but you are so close right now, that he is trying so hard not to stare at your breast again.
"sit down on me" he says.
"will it not going to hurt you still?" you ask concerned.
"i dont know, im hoping not. i've never fuck anyone while injured before" he contests and you smile at his remark "come on, sit here" he demands again, tapping his thighs to you. how can you say no?
you do as he says, sitting on his lap, taking care not to crash with your weight in it.
"relax, baby" he says again pressing you down on him so you get his point.
you sit there, and he starts to caress your thighs, going up to your sides and back, making goosebumps appear all over your body, your core gathering your juices again. you hand his neck, bringing him to a kiss. he sneakily reaches your breast, caressing his fingers at your nipple. you whimper in between the kiss, encouraging him to do the same on the other one.
his hands are everywhere and he breaks the kiss to work his lips on your neck, it feels like the foreplay all over again and you're aching for some friction. as if he reads your mind, his hands are back on your ass, spreading it open and foward, the motion making you slide on his cock as both of you gasp, "keep going" he whispers on your ear, getting back to kiss there as you start to move your hips on him, feeling the prominent vein that you've only seen before.
he keeps going down to the valley between your tits until he greases his teeth on the left nipple, you arches your back moaning, and he does the same to the other one, taking his time on it. when he's done, he stares at his work, your nipples sensitive and red from all the sucking and licking.
"go on, ride me" he says looking now back at you.
you push your body up a little as you hand his cock back to your entrance, sliding it in easily now. you dont waste time on starting to move up and down on him. you throw your head back from the pleasure, as he admires your figure, collarbones and breast moving as you do on him, his eyes meet at where your bodies are connecting and he cant help put touch your clit.
"oh fuck" you moan it out as he works his fingers on your clit. you're throbbing around him "im so close, it feels so good, cheol" you say whimpering and he grunts, encouraging you to keep going as his high is close too.
you throw yourself on him, your face getting buried on his shoulders now, your thrusts haunting with your cum approaching. he senses it, handing your waist once again, applying force to help you with it.
"fuck, im gonna cum" you announce, slightly biting his skin, that's the ending point for him as he feels his high coming.
"where can i cum?" he askes you beforehand as you desesparate repeat inside as an answer "are you sure? oh- fuck" he's holding in, but he needs to make sure.
"please, please, cum inside" you whine and thats enough for him to let it go, he's cumming before you with a intense gasp after a low moan.
you whimper feeling him filling you up, making you cum right after him. you fight to keep thrusting, just to keep a bit of the friction to ride off your highs. your thighs all messy with both of your cums and so is his lap.
you stop once you're done and cant take it no more, you slide off of him, throwing yourself beside seungcheol on the sofa. eyes closed, your heads resting at the headboard, both of you panting out of breath still.
"im on the pill" you suddenly deliver those words, realizing you didn't say it before.
"fuck, i swear when im all good im gonna fuck you senseless" he spits it out, his mind wherelse. your sore pussy clench, even tho you've just got fucked by him, i guess you too are not satisfied yet. you can't wait for him to get all healed.
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schlattsdoll · 10 months
Note
so like... 106 with dt doctor...
forget you - tenth doctor
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minors dni
prompt: “im going to fuck you until you forget that assholes name”
warnings: lil angst, smut {18+}, oral {fem receiving}, dom!doctor, mentions of toxic men & cheating, pet names {love, darling,}line from good omens THAT BROKE ME WRITING, you are responsible for your own media consumption!!!
tenth doctor x fem! reader
nobody said trying to date and travel through time and space would’ve been easy.  that was until you met jordan, handsome, charismatic jordan. he was everything you could’ve dreamed of. well, almost. he wasn’t the doctor, but since you had it in your mind it could never happen, you settled for what you had.
jordan was so understanding of you traveling around, “bring me back a star!.” he joked.
the doctor and you had just come back from alpha centuri and he even let you keep a small space rock to give to your love. much to your surprise jordan was kissing another girl.
your heart shattered, you thought he was loyal to you all this time. a year of your life wasted away by him. “care to explain to me what’s going on?” you confronted him. his jaw dropped and he immediately pushed the girl off him. “y-y/n! it’s not what it looks like i swear!”
“oh i think it’s exactly what it looks like. c’mon love. let’s go you don’t need him.” the doctor ushered you away and into the tardis.
you couldn’t help but break down and sob. how could he? he did seem too excited that you were traveling with the doctor but you didn’t see it as you being a bit on the side, you thought he was just genuinely happy for you.
“love, im so sorry. he didn’t deserve you, he was an arse just using you.” the doctor held you as you cried into his suit jacket. his touch was gentle, as if you were a doll made of porcelain. “how can i make it up to you mhmm? lunch in new new york? crepes straight from france? i’ll do anything love, i’m desperate to see that beautiful smile again.”
you swiped away at the tears that rolled down your cheeks, confused at what you just heard. you know he had a habit of calling you “love” but you thought of that as him mindlessly flirting. you should’ve known nothing the doctor does is “mindless”. you look up at the time lord, a puzzled look on your face speaks for you. “oh for god’s sake y/n! i’m in love with you. i’ve been in love with you since we met and you started traveling with me. it broke my hearts when i saw you with him, i wished it could be us instead. please darling, i know it’s poor timing but can we be an us?”
"doctor, i dont know what to say..." "say yes, please my darling." the doctor stared at you with his big brown eyes, almost with a puppy dog like stare. "yes doctor." he leaned down into you and grabbed you with the most intensity  youve seen from him as he kissed you for the first time. your lips collided and it felt like a universe ahs been born between you two.
the timelord deepened the kiss, his hands roaming your body until they landed on your ass, grabbing it gently. "i wanna help you forget all about him. you shouldve never been with him, i wanted you from the beginning. i shouldve been more open to you love.” he broke away to catch his breath and confess more.
“help me forget him then doctor, i want you, so bad.” you tugged at his hair, pulling him towards you. your hands tangled in his hair as he kissed you once more. “now that you’re mine love, i’m not letting you go.” he led you to his room on board the tardis and laid you down gently on his bed. the kiss got a lot more intense, hands tugging at each other’s clothes, you managed to pull his suit jacket off and undo some buttons while your shirt was completely gone. the two of you pulled away breathlessly, foreheads resting against each other. the doctor looked at you with such admiration in his eyes.
“are you sure you want this love?” he asked you, hands hovering over your breasts. you nodded your head slowly, looking up at the much older timelord. "please doctor..." he reached behind you, unclasping your bra. his touch so delicate almost feather like. as your straps slid off your shoulders the doctor licked his lips, “love you are breathtakingly beautiful.” his head dove down to kiss and lick at your chest while his hands worked on removing your bottoms.
the timelord parted away from you, pulling off his shirt and moving down your body to your dripping sex. "doctor, don't be a tease..." you whined out to him. suddenly he was on his knees in front of you, "may i darling?" almost too eagerly you responded, nodding your head rapidly. he kissed his way up and down your thighs, avoiding the one place you desperately needed him most.
"tell me love, are you mine?" the doctor's lips ghosted over your core. "yes, gods yes doctor please just do something." "as you wish love."
you barely had time to register what was happening since he leaned in and licked a stripe up to your clit. "taste as good as you look." he dove back in, eating like a man starved while you writhed and moaned above him.
"that's it love, be a good girl and cum for me." his tongue replaced by his nimble fingers, quickly curling inside you. you felt your whole body tense up before the waves of pleasure crashed over you.
you got up to return the favor but the doctor stopped you. "sorry darling, but tonight is about you. tonight, i'm going to fuck you until you forget that assholes name."
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pickingupmymercedes · 19 days
Text
Maybe in another life - Lewis Hamilton
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Part 2 is here: When I get to meet you
request: "hello can do heavy angst? ... lewis faces the consequences of his stupid actions? like he grovels a lot and suffer a lot. just ripped my heart open with your writing i dont care 😭😭😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻" - anon
pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Reader!
warnings: Blood, Miscarriage, Asshole Lewis
wordcount: +1K
a/n: Angsty anon, that was a hard one to write. I changed the request a bit, hope it's okay. I just really don't picture him cheating with someone so close to someone he loves, specially since his relationships are very open (as of now, anyway), the rest is still there.
As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!
TRIGGERING CONTENT UNDER, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
______________________________________________________________
The white of the hotel room walls seemed to closed in on Lewis as he reread the final line of the letter. "I needed you to know." Y/n's words hung in the air, a stark contrast to the roar of the city outside. Every muscle in his body tensed. It couldn't be true. He reread the entire thing, a cold dread settling in his stomach with every sentence.
The letter started with a casualness that ripped at him further. It was a stark reminder of the way they started – a fling fueled by adrenaline and an undeniable connection.
Then came the bombshell. The night she stormed into his Monaco apartment, the one he'd dismissed with a callous "call me later," wasn't just about a fight. It was about a child. Their child. Shame, hot and acrid, burned in his throat. He'd been a fool, blinded by fleeting pleasure, while she carried the weight of the future alone. Their future.
Tears pricked at Lewis's eyes as he read about her decision to keep it, to raise a mini-him, a mini-her, even without him. A part of him swelled with pride, a terrible, conflicting emotion considering how things ended.
The next part though, stole his breath, and even in the second read was still hard to stomach.
He learned about the miscarriage, the brutal way it unfolded – a sharp pain waking her in the quiet of the night, the rush to the bathroom, the crimson staining everything. The helplessness, the loneliness of it all. He should have been there. He should have held her hand, whispered reassurances. But all he'd offered was a dismissive phone call, months before.
Y/n's words about wishing he was by her side echoed in his mind, a constant refrain. The regret, raw and searing, threatened to consume him. He pictured her, alone, grieving a child they both would've never meet.
The letter continued. She spoke of the physical and emotional toll, the weeks that followed, a blur of doctor visits and a silence so deafening it screamed louder than any argument. She told him about leaving F1, needing a clean break from the world that constantly reminded her of what could have been.
The final paragraphs struck him with a force that left him reeling. "Maybe in another life, Lewis.” Another life. A life where he wasn't a self-absorbed champion, where he saw the woman behind the reporter, where he understood the depth of the love she carried, in her heart, and even for a few months in her womb.
Lewis crumpled the letter in his fist, the weight of his mistakes crushing him. The roar of the city outside mocked him, a reminder of the life that went on regardless of his private turmoil. He wanted to call her, to apologize, to somehow bridge the chasm he'd created. But the letter offered no contact information, and the knowledge that it might be too late settling heavy in his mind.
He sank onto the plush hotel bed, the opulence offering no comfort. He was a champion, a winner, and yet he'd lost the most important race of his life – the one for a future he’d thrown away in a haze of selfishness.
Now, all that remained were the ghosts of what could have been, a forever reminder of the price of his arrogance.
_________________________________________________________
Hi Lewis,
I don't want to blame you for any of what I'm about to tell you.
Our story wasn't exactly a fairytale romance, and I knew full well the kind of life you led when we started seeing each other. But somewhere along the line, things started to feel different. Maybe it was the late-night talks after Monaco, or the way you looked at me after a win, a genuine joy that went beyond the cameras.
Whatever it was, I fell for you, harder than I ever thought possible.
That night in Monaco, when I walked into your apartment, the smell of something I shouldn't have smelled. Then I saw the girls, the half-empty bottles, the porno on repeat. I was disappointed.
But deeper than that, I was scared, so damn scared. I needed to talk to you, Lewis, not just about the obvious, but about something more, something monumental.
See, the reason I was there, the reason my voice was shaky and my eyes probably held a storm you couldn't understand, was because I was pregnant, we were.
We were going to have a baby, Lewis. A tiny little person, half you, half me.
The thought had terrified me at first, the responsibility, the unknown. But then, this strange sense of calm. Maybe I could do this. We could do this.
I'm not gonna lie, I thought about ending it, the pregnancy. And that night made the doubt so much greater.
I need you to know I called the abortion clinic. Twice. I even scheduled a date. But I couldn't do it.
Turns out the universe had other plans.
It was still early, barely into the fourth month, but I swear I could already see a hint of a bump. Just the tiniest swell beneath my usual clothes, a secret I carried close.
I imagined late nights with a fussy baby, the smell of milk instead of the usual post-race adrenaline.
I pictured you, maybe not holding the baby because you were off winning another championship, but calling, checking in, a flicker of pride in your voice.
Naive, I know.
For a couple of days, there was just a feeling, a vague unease that settled low . Like a distant echo of discomfort, easily dismissed with a deep breath and a glass of water. But then, the backache started. A dull ache that settled and radiated outwards. It felt familiar, a dull echo almost like cramps, but different somehow. Deeper, more insistent.
The night it happened, I woke up with a sharp pain ripping through me, from the inside out. It stole my breath away, leaving me gasping for air. Panic clawed at my throat as I scrambled out of bed, a cold dread pooling in my stomach. I didn't make it to the bathroom in time, the crimson stained my clothes, the bedsheets, the mattress.
The smell of blood clung to everything in that bedroom for weeks.
The doctor confirmed it in the emergency, a hollow echo in a sterile room. I had a curettage to get the rest of tissue out.
The weeks that followed were a blur. Doctor visits, tests, a crushing silence that spoke louder than any argument we ever had. The grief was a physical weight, a constant ache in my chest.
I also need you to know that through it all, I mourned the life I couldn't carry to term, the tiny flicker of hope that had bloomed within me and that I couldn't keep safe.
That's on me, and I take full responsability.
I couldn't handle F1 after that. The constant reminder of what could have been, it was suffocating. And leaving was an incredibly hard decision, but I needed that. I had to move on.
Maybe in another life, Lewis. Maybe then things would have been different.
Maybe, I would have told you about the day our child started school, all jitters and excitement, a backpack bigger than their little body. Or maybe I would have been showing you their first wobbly steps, a mess of giggles and misplaced feet, a tiny us with ours eyes.
A what-if that will forever linger in the quiet corners of my mind.
This isn't a plea for a response. I don't even know if you'll read this all the way through. Maybe you'll crumple it up and toss it aside. God, maybe I hope you do. But I needed you to know.
- Y/n
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I need all of the adults to actually take action of Steve's living conditions from the moment they realize that he has the shittiest parents ever.
After the first round with the upside down Joyce cannot comprehend when Steve tells her not to call his home since there will be no one there. His mom will certainly not take care of him, she barely even calls for important dates. He is always alone, so he will just drive home with all his injuries and make do. Steve quickly understands why neither of the Byers ever goes against her will. She checks all his injuries and makes him a makeshift bedroom in their living room until he is better. She will not take no for an answer. Steve stays for almost a month there and practically has to get a doctor's note saying he is fine now before she lets him go.
Hopper sits him down eventually and makes him explain his living situation. Steve goes in as little details as possible about it, trying to brush it off but Jim is not happy and surely not believing it. He starts building a case at the station if Steve ever needs their help and you know, prepare in case they somehow get worse. Steve will have all the evidence needed to ruin them with proof of child neglect and other much much worse.
Claudia Henderson immediately starts asking for his help as home as an excuse to have him at their place and feed him. "Steve sweetie? Can you come over and help me get the door unstuck? Can you help with the faucet? Do you think we need to repaint?" And then Steve is at their place more and more and coming back home with too much homemade food. He eventually shared it with the Munsons as he cannot eat all of that by himself before it goes bad. She also insists on teaching him how to cook and they eventually fall into a routine.
Wayne Munson immediately brings him under his wing after being Eddie's personal nurse. He asks him to come over to watch games, he calls him son knowing perfectly well the impact it has on Steve if the tears in his eyes are anything to go by. He teaches him how to maintain his car that he loves so much so he doesnt get taken advantage of for being a Harrington. He gets him his own mug to add to the collection and drinks his coffee in silence pretty much every morning with Wayne while Eddie is still snoozing in his room.
Karen Wheeler starts making 3 sets of lunches. She sends him his lunch with Mike, which kills Mike's soul every day. "First Nancy, then my mom and now Eddie? What is it with you Steve?"
Steve by S4 has a whole routine for his week. - Sundays cooking with the Hendersons. They cook together and Steve and Claudia exchange new recipes and try new ones every week. - Mondays are spent at his own place and Hopper comes by after the end of his shift and they just watch TV and chat about their day with a beer in their hands. - Tuesdays is family dinner at the Byers. Steve always brings desert (that he learned from Claudia) even tho Joyce tells him that only his presence is needed. They usually catch up while doing the dishes. - Wednesdays he has a late shift at Family Video with Robin but he always takes time to chat with her parents before they get on their way. - Thursdays is DnD night, so he brings the little gremlins home. Not without a quick chat with their mothers tho. - Fridays and Saturdays are usually nights spent with Eddie, and by proxy with Wayne as well. They have dinner and if Wayne is still up for it they watch a movie. Most of the time he is asleep halfway, but they dont mind. Wayne brings a homey feeling to the place, his soft snores a background noise to their night.
So then the Harrington's come back after everything and they throw Steve out of the house for being a disappointment and achieving nothing in life. They will not just let him live rent free while he wastes away being nobody in this dead town. He is nothing but a shame to their name.
Imagine their absolute surprise when see 4 adults basically fighting in their frontyard over who will adopt Steve. Claudia is begging Steve to choose her and that way him and Dustin can finally be actual brothers. He would have his own room and they could decorate it together and they would always be just a few meters away. Then Joyce is saying that she basically adopted him since 83 and he IS family already. Putting on paper would just be the last step to it. Hopper is saying that he has been taking care of him since the first "disaster" unlike his own parents. He doesnt insist much since they all live together with Joyce now, so she can do the fighting for him.
And then Steve turns to Wayne, waiting for his arguments to be his official son now, but Wayne just casually shrugs and looks at the others. Steve lets go of a small "oh", his heart breaking a little even tho there are literal adults fighting for him right now, he foolishly expected the same from him. and when Wayne notices this, he is very quick to correct him. "Steve, don't get this wrong son. I am not fighting with them because it would be unfair. They are trying their best to make you one of them, but I have an advantage. You will be a Munson sooner or later, no matter who adopts you. My boy will make an honest man out of you, I raised him right after all" and he squeezes his shoulder. Steve just stares at him, face bright red while his eyes begin to water.
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