#and i put some of the blame on myself because i got so terribly sick a couple years ago that my family but especially my mom Had to isolate-

[nanomooselet]

Episode Nine: Millions Knives

Knives is firmly among my favourite characters. Adore him, fascinated by him, need to hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

The thing about Knives is that he lies constantly. I think he's so used to lying that he's come to believe himself truthful and sincere. To be fair to him, his emotions are very sincerely felt - I think they rattle his teeth, actually - but I don't think he understands them, even in hindsight. I don't think he understands the emotions or responses of others, either. They make no intuitive sense to him. So he rationalises reactions he doesn't expect as weakness, error or corruption to avoid admitting to himself where the problem might lie, and considers them only on those terms. Which must be terribly, terribly isolating, and it means he also lies to himself.

I suppose it's not a secret that I see a lot of myself in Vash - the guilt, the distance, the way he exaggerates his reactions around others - but there's a little bit of Knives there too. Enough that I feel sympathy. But I also recognise parts of him that aren't in me at all; they were a sickness I didn't realise I had, or the voices of people I wish had known better.

So my feelings about him are complicated, to put it mildly. I remember after watching the finale I had simultaneous urges to wrap him in a blanket and beat him to death with a tire iron, and that hasn't really changed. It's a difficult state of mind.

He's a great character.

Such a sweet, sad scene from a character we saw being so vicious. The notes begin slow, faltering - loneliness, hesitation. Perhaps even regret? And then Vash enters in his memory and adds his voice, and while it's still a little awkward, the notes themselves seem to smile along with him. Knives has learned over time to play the song himself, but it's still incomplete without Vash. The room is ridiculously huge, which makes Knives in the centre even tinier and lonelier than he'd otherwise be; the distance of the long-shot also conceals that he sits just a little further to the right than he needs to, so the realisation is slow. There's a lot of empty space. It looks like the room is unfurnished besides the piano and bench, with some random debris scattered around. How long has he been staying here? How long has he sat on that bench, trying to fill all that emptiness? Around him, beneath him, humans do human things and he is indifferent. He permits it only because soon none of it will matter.

I have to wonder what it is that Conrad got for Knives that made Knives look so pleased. Can't help but consider it ominous.

Also, Luida wasn't the only member of the SEEDs crew to pass on a haircut.

They have very similar clothes, too. That must have been an interesting shopping trip.

I spent literal hours combing through all my references trying to figure out if that was SEEDs Ship Five the city was built in, and I don't think so - Ship Five had human passengers and July was built in a Plant carrier. (So much for "I made sure the Plant ships would survive.") So at least we're spared the twist of the knife (sigh) it would have been to know somewhere in among all these withered Plants might be the twins' birth mother or the one who greeted them with Rem - but Jesus V. Saverem Christ, that doesn't make it better.

Knives, y'know - I do get why you killed those men. I really do. Humans are not innocent of this horror. Humans are not angels. Humans are survivors. We're also unfortunately greedy, short-sighted and brutally indifferent to those we don't perceive as part of the ingroup, especially when desperate. Even if you're willing to overlook this callous, casual abuse of living beings - and I wouldn't be - this is a recklessly unsustainable approach. Almost like a decision one might make in panic out of misfiring instinctive urge to seek safety? Not that I'm implying anything about your decisions.

And so when he sees Vash Knives immediately blames all of humanity when Knives bears at least a portion of the blame himself. There would always be casualties in such wide-scale destruction, even among those he intended to spare. Nor did he seem to do anything to protect the Plants aboard the crashed ship (likely because it would require relying on more humans), though it's obvious they would be vulnerable. But there's no way he can take responsibility for the deaths of his own kind on top of everything else he's done... though truly we're also our own worst advocates.

I'm sure they were happy to be useful.

Maybe Knives should have thanked the technician who said that to him before his death, because what he said made Knives so very angry. Anger, for Knives, is strength, and strength is certainty. A frightened little boy is sorry that he killed his mother and drove his brother away. A frightened little boy couldn't do this. Vash is frightened, of course. Clinging to Rem's skirts, a coward still, years later. Totally lacking conviction. But Knives thought of this. He knows how to work with that too.

Interesting that when Vash felt unworthy of the people of Home, he took off the coat they gave him to give it back. Knives, though, he snatches the gift he gave Vash straight out of his hands. If he's learned to play a duet alone he doesn't need Vash to do this either. He doesn't need Vash. It'd just be nice! You know. Not to have to rely on himself all the time!

His stupid little face and its utter bafflement. Where is this coming from? Vash isn't like this! I don’t remember it being like this! What could possibly have changed?

Knives intended to keep his calm throughout this confrontation. You can watch him visibly gather himself when he notices Vash enter; take a deep breath, push his hood back - it's why he went from kneeling to standing. It's like he can't be vulnerable, or even ask for comfort, but I swear if he'd just asked Vash for a hug instead of stabbing people the series would have ended there. Instead he tips further and further over the edge, refusing to reach out for help on terms other than the ones in his head, which he refuses to explain. And the moment a variable he can't control enters the situation, his first and only reaction is to violently remove it.

(Poor Luida must have no idea what the hell is going on. Although I bet this reunion explained a lot with hindsight.)

Why do you point that gun at me? Even though I saved you?

That's really the question Knives needs to consider the answer to himself, and he's not going to. Instead he imposes a time limit (and I'm starting to think when it ran out, that was when the Eye of Michael got into gear, so it's been around for approx. forty-five years) and runs off to cry in his piano room as though Vash is the one who needs a time-out.

Well.

He does, at that.

There's so much hope in what follows. Compared to Knives's vast hollow space, Vash's little room is so full of warmth and acceptance. He has people who love him and even a solution to the ongoing crisis, albeit an imperfect one - but he has something, he's not just flailing around until the day he catches one too many bullets. He has a goal in healing the Plants and helping people, and he has people who support him in it. And sure, he faces scepticism. Not to mention the parameters he's put on himself (I'll never kill, ever again... I'll figure out a way to save everyone. The humans, Plants... and Nai) which are Dark Souls times Atlus superboss impossible. But even Brad, who once called him a monster, thinks he's in with a chance.

I truly wish I found that more comforting than I did.

[tosteur-gluteal]

(vent? Idk I should probably just journal and keep all of this for myself but I can't trust my relatives concerning privacy)

CW: mention of mild eating disorder and people not being very nice (s*cide invitation)

This year I've become even more comfortable sharing how I feel with my friends, IRL and online, and it really helped me being less anxious and more like myself. Because I had a terrible experience in middle school with being my energetic, and yeah, kind of loud self in front of the other kids, I got put aside very quickly and people would just talk behind my back, some straight up telling me to kms aha yayyyy

So first year of highschool was me being extremely anxious and I would get constantly sick because of how uneasy I felt in that environment (private school and in elite class) but then I made friends, second year started out very badly because I felt like a failure for not being able to enter that elite class that year. My grades went lower and lower (and I used to be a top student) but I discovered what it's like to be in a friend group that is a safe place. Yeah I got some severe anxiety problems (me not being able to deal with my feelings correctly aka me being a disaster bi and when I crush on someone I crush hard until it's unhealthy like fr I would feel extremely bad all the time) but it got better (bro discovered communication, yeah I got rejected but it felt somehow good to just, talk 🤯🤯🤯🤯) and later during that year I began to become the person that I used to be, an overall happy person, kind of childish at times, I wasn't afraid to be perceived as weird because I was in a safe place 😎💥💥

Until I got into some...problems with a formal online friends, and it impacted my health very badly (some troubles eating yay) and at some point, for the longest time and even today, I would just not be vocal about feeling bad anymore. I feel like a burden again and that I should always display happy behaviours. And I even toned them down fearing that people think I'm annoying or distressing. Heck I got called a guiltripper when I was vocal about not feeling okay (I didn't even blame anyone for that, apparently the person told me that was attention seeking behaviour, that I should focus on fixing my problems myself ect.) I won't go into details for what happened but yeah, today is one of the bad ones 💥 staying at home is draining, and my friends aren't available for the moment, but I just don't have the motivation to put a foot outside. I just draw all day until exhaustion just for the sake of it. It's a short term solution, honestly I'm just waiting for school to start now to meet with my friends again

I'm probably not going to make any more vent post because I want to share what makes me happy here aaaa

[beautifulreflections]

Blog Post 1: "Hurty" Thirty

“Hurty” Thirty

“Hurty” thirty my husband calls the thirtieth year of life. He likes to use the analogy that people are like cars, always deteriorating. In my most Christian voice I said, “I rebuke that lie in the name of Jesus.” Sure, we were getting older, but I didn’t have to claim ailments just because of that. In fact, I refused to claim ailments and sicknesses just because of the increase in years. ‘I claim health and wellness’ I thought to myself.

I used to run cross country. I was terrible at track and way too slow to be a help to my long-legged teammates, but I found out that I did have endurance. I still remember attempting to race in the four by four. The baton was handed to me and I was off, only to literally stop right before the finish line because sprinting was not my thing. There were students in the stands who pointed and laughed. It was an awful day, but I did learn that I was a long-distance runner equipped for slow and steady progress.

So, I found my place with the other long-distance runners on the cross-country team. I never won a race, but I always finished. That had to count for something right? It did for me. As I grew and matured over the years, I learned the value of endurance. Pressing forward amid struggle was a gift, and it was cultivated in cross-country racing. “The mind is the athlete” my coach would always say. So, I am challenging myself, mind, body, and Spirit at the start of this new year to kick some old hurt bearing habits.

During Thanksgiving and all the way past Christmas I overindulged. I had cakes, cookies, pies, Christmas candy, and tons of hot chocolate. Yes, I’m an adult and I love hot chocolate. I honestly even love to put the little marshmallows on top with some whipped cream for good measure. I act like I make hot chocolate for my two kids, but it’s mostly for me. I enjoy our Dunkin Donuts dates just as much as they do. After all, who can say no to a sugar laden drink and donut that keeps you going until your next fix? Not me!

Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You know. Do you also keep your Christmas candy in your room, so no one eats it? I do. And sharing the Christmas candy, well, is it so hard to give up those Haribo gummy bears and Godiva chocolates. I know it is. Because sugar is addictive. Between all the candy, creamers, cupcakes, and Christmas treats that are on sale now, it’s so hard to say no. Right? Exactly! And as I write this to you, I currently have a sugar headache because it’s been seven days of no sweet and addictive treats.

That’s right. You heard me. As I type this out, I am longingly staring at the Santa Claus Christmas bag which houses my beloved cookies, candies, and Hu chocolate bars. As it turns out, just because it’s vegan chocolate doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you. I know. When I found this out, I was so disappointed too. But here’s the truth, studies show that when we eat sugar it releases dopamine in our bodies, which just keeps us coming back to it for the next high. According to Healthy Simple Life, sugar can even be more addictive than cocaine. That’s sobering for sure.

Now that we are on the same page, I want to tell you why I’m what I’m doing. I was complaining to my husband about two weeks ago. “Ugh. These pants are too tight.” And He simply said, “Get new ones.” I considered it for way longer than I should have then said, “I don’t need to get new pants. I need to lose weight.” Friends, I’ve been the same size since I graduated from high school. I say that with overwhelming gratitude, but I also realize that if I keep up these unhealthy habits then I will not remain this size much longer.

My husband ruined me. (It’s easier to blame him that to actually take responsibility.) Before we got married salad was my favorite food and I chose it above almost every other food. Then I got married, and now I love sweets. My husband does too. So, we both have gotten into this unhealthy routine of living life for today, and that includes copious amounts of sugar. Of course, we wouldn’t want to admit that to anyone, but today I’m being brave and telling you.

After New Year's Eve, I decided that I had to give it a rest. All the sugar was hurting my body, making me dependent, exasperating my acid reflux, and making me feel stiff at music class when I was dancing with the children I teach. Forty days of no sweet treats or delicious donuts sounds daunting, especially when your family isn’t fasting from sugar too.

So, I am doing these forty days without sugar to purify my temple, this body that God has given me. Beauty starts within and I want my body to be a healthy place so that I can radiate without hindrance. After these first forty days, I will be implementing healthier eating habits, introducing less processed sugars (stevia, monk fruit), experimenting with wholesome cooking, and abstaining from sugar (all sugars) one day a week.

Join me in the highs and lows of this new journey I’m on. And, if you feel so led, drop the sugar with me and cultivate your inner beauty so that others will see and join us in making health and wellness a lifestyle. Let’s choose to be truly beautiful inside and out.

References:

Anna Schaefer. Experts Agree: Sugar Might Be as Addictive as Cocaine. Heathline, https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/experts-is-sugar-addictive-drug.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

rich girl, bitch girl

pairing: leon x reader

cw: smut, p in v, oral, degradation, spanking

summary: reader is the president's daughter, so she works for leon at the dso, but has terrible work ethic and is never on time. he gets pissed off one day and decides to punish her.

a/n: alternate titles include: money won't get you too far, you can rely on the old man's money, and all of the other lyrics to rich girl by hall & oates

wc: 3.1k

You could be worse. Leon’s spent more than enough time mingling with presidential families and their compatriots to know that the political sphere is light years away from God’s green Earth. The bourgeoisie breathe a different brand of air and it reeks of entitlement. You act like you’re full of helium, though, maybe they pumped you up with some of that instead of juvederm the last time you got lip injections. Yeah, you took sick leave for that. Paid. You could be a snotty rich bitch who thinks poor people are a detriment to society, but you’re really just a lazy spoiled brat. You’re a bit of a bimbo, though, and it pisses Leon off. 

When you arrive at the office - late, as usual, you’re wearing a skirt that’s multiple inches short of professional and a jacket that goes past the hemline. If you buttoned it up, one could suspect you might be completely nude underneath, and, honestly, Leon wouldn't put it past you. Your tits are spilling out of your top and if you dared to bend over, your ass would be on full display. It’s ironic that you choose to dress like you work on a street corner, and yet, Leon’s never seen you walking the streets of D.C., not that he sees you much in the office either, he’s just convinced most politicians and their families astral project into the city and leave once they clock out for the night. 

“We need to talk about your tardiness,” Leon says. 

“‘Kay,” you say with a slight roll of the eyes, which he pretends not to notice. 

“It’s getting old. I need you to be here on time. Can you do that for me?” He clasps his hands together when he speaks - begging? No, not Leon. Keeping his hands busy so he doesn’t knock your teeth out? Maybe. 

“I can’t promise anything,” you say, taking a sip from your smoothie - your reason for tardiness today. 

“You do understand that I need you to be here in order to be productive, right? We’re not going to work on your schedule.”

“Okay, then don’t. You can work whenever.” You turn around and check your phone. The noise of the plastic straw against the bottom of the styrofoam cup pisses Leon off.

“Are you listening to yourself? You’d be fired if your dad wasn’t my superior.” He smacks his hand on his wooden desk for emphasis, but you don’t flinch. 

“But he is.” 

“Yeah, and do you plan on relying on that for the rest of your life? Because that’s a self-entitled move, at best.” It could be construed as self-entitled, but it’s not your fault life was served to you on a silver platter. 

“Whatever,” you say. 

“Don’t ‘whatever’ me. Look me in the eye.” You can feel his eyes boring into the back of your skull, but you don’t turn around. 

“I’m not going to repeat myself.” 

“Fine.” You snap your head around and stare into his eyes. 

“I know you don’t like me, and you sure as hell don’t give a fuck about your work, and quite frankly, if I didn’t have to work with you, I wouldn’t. What will get you to cooperate?” His words fly out of his mouth, and he slides his desk chair closer to yours at a similar speed, so he can speak to you in a stern whisper. He’s ditches the yelling, it didn’t do shit anyway.

“I don’t know, Agent Kennedy… what do you think?” You click your tongue when you speak - add that to the list of annoying behaviors.

“Do you think this is a fucking game?” His index finger points towards you, attempting to intimidate you with his blame game. 

“Am I winning?” 

“No. I am not falling for your bullshit. You’re going to seduce me and then report me to HR and go crying to your daddy.”

“Why would I report you?”

“Because that’s who you are. Defiant at your core. A fucking brat.” The last word packs a punch. Because he means it. 

“A brat?”

“Absolutely.”

“Say it again.”

“Are you getting off to this?”

“And what if I am?”

“Then you’re more than a brat - you’re a slut, too, huh?” 

You don’t respond, unsure of whether to take the bait and fight back or let him win because he’s right. Not that you’re a slut, but that you are “getting off to this”.  

“What? Now you don’t wanna talk back?” His icy blue eyes pierce through you. Leon can remain composed in the toughest of situations, he kept his cool in settings both bureaucratic and life-threatening. You are one of the few people who manages to get under his skin. It’s a talent, really. 

“Isn’t it better when I don’t talk back? I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“It is. It’s good when you behave. Maybe you’re finally learning your lesson. All it took was to call you names and now you know your place.”

“What’s my place, Agent Kennedy?” You taunt, begging him to say the words you know are on the tip of his tongue. 

“Your place should have been in this office an hour ago when the meeting started. Now, I think you’d be better suited to work under my desk since you can’t handle sitting at your own.” 

“Under your desk? What would I do there?” You ask, feigning naivete.

“Use your mouth for something other than talking back.” At the end of the day, Leon is still a man - his words are not a threat or an insult, behind it all, is a plea for attention, affection, stimulation. Desperate to satisfy the throbbing sensation of blood pooling south. 

He rolls his desk chair back to allow you room. You thought he was all bark and no bite, but his gaze never falters. He waits for you to submit. Eventually, you do.

You look up at him, waiting for instructions. 

“Go ahead. You know what to do. I’m sure it’s not your first time.”

It’s a low blow. You’re already on your knees for him, but once you robbed Leon of his limited patience, which dwindled every day, he no longer has the conscience not to be cruel. 

You make quick work of his belt and slacks, getting them far enough down that you can reach his cock, which is already half-hard. Maybe he’s the kind of guy who pops a boner out of anger, you think. And he is, but that’s not entirely the case right now. 

“Do you need help?” He asks, not the least bit sympathetic. 

“No, I can do it.”

“Good girl.”

You hate the way the words drip down your thighs. 

You stroke him lazily, pretending to be disinterested. He can’t quite read you. You have a bit of a resting bitch face, which fits real nice with your resting bitch attitude. 

“You know I can’t stand you, right?” he says. 

“Yeah,” you scoff. 

“But I’m not a complete dick, alright? So, look me in the eye.”

You look up into his eyes, unsure of what he’ll say, but expecting something dick-ish - his typical behavior. 

“Do you actually want to do this?” He asks. Aw, he cares, you think. Though, maybe he’s just trying to avoid a “special meeting” with HR, or God forbid, you tell Daddy Dearest, and Leon gets to meet his maker instead. 

“Yes,” you say, meekly. You almost wish he hadn’t asked. It feels pathetic to admit that you want this. It isn’t fresh idea in your mind either. When your father had a talk with you about the possibility of working with the DSO, he informed you about some of the agents and other personnel - people you might work for - and he made sure to include pictures. You saw Leon and made up a bullshit excuse for why you wanted to be his assistant. “He’s your best agent, right? I want to learn from the best of the best.” Yeah, bullshit. You were looking to get in his pants the entire time. 

“Good. Then, get back to work.” Since you’re not doing the paperwork that’s piling up, Leon has to do it for you.

Leon sighs and flips through pages of fine print, ignoring the fact that his cock is in your mouth. You pull away with a pop sound. 

“You’re not even paying attention?”

“Excuse me?” He looks down at you, mouth agape, pretending to be appalled by your remark, but truly delighted that he’d gotten to you - you want his attention. “Paying attention? I’m working. Someone has to get this shit done.”

“But you don’t even care?” 

“Give me something to care about.” His gaze returns to his desk. “I hope you can suck cock because you can only get so far with just a pretty face,” he says under his breath. 

You feel motivated to work on something for the first time. Leon’s reverse psychology method seems to work well for you. Even if you refuse to do paperwork, at least he can get a decent blowjob. It’s not like he can suck himself off. He tried that once - as every teenage boy does - but, alas, it did not work. 

You tease him first, licking along the bottom and then swirling your tongue at the tip. You can tell he likes it, but not enough to stop doing what he’s doing. 

When your mouth wraps around his dick, Leon’s fully hard. He closes his eyes for a second and inhales sharply, follows it up with a heavier exhale, seemingly working on composing himself. He keeps his eyes up and his hands busy but his hips buck up into your mouth.

He moans when he hits the back of your throat. It makes you gag, so you smack him on the thigh. 

That gets his attention.

He pulls his chair back and looks at you, waiting for an explanation, maybe an apology. 

You wipe spit off your chin and say, “That’s what you get for being greedy.”

“Greedy? Me? You were barely giving me anything, half-assing it even on your knees,” he sighs, “You know what? You are good at one thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, insubordination, and I bet you’d look pretty getting punished.”

Honestly, you’d look pretty damn good doing anything. Leon would be the first to admit it. You have a gorgeous face and a bangin’ body. No work ethic to accompany it, though. He kept you around for two reasons - one of which he’d told you: he’s your father’s bitch. He’s lucky he’s not your subordinate. But, you’re also the best piece of eye-candy in the office by a landslide. Sure, Hunnigan is pretty, but he wouldn’t fuck her. He would fuck you. He will fuck you. 

“Stand up,” he says. He waits, silently, dead fucking seriously. 

You stand up, looking pitiful, shaky on your feet and fidgeting with your jewelry. You have that nervous new hire look. This is a new job after all - DSO’s finest fuckhole is your new title. 

“Bend over,” he says, and noticing your genuine confusion, he adds, “hands on the desk.”

You do as he asks. Obedient, for once.

“This skirt barely covers anything,” he says, hooking his fingers in your waistband from behind. “Good thing you won’t need it anymore.”

Leon rips off your skirt. 

“Leon! What the fuck?”

“Where are your manners?”

“Sorry. What the fuck, Agent Kennedy?”

“We can work on that,” he pats your shoulder patronizingly. 

“My skirt- that was expensive…”

“And? Buy a new one. Get one that goes down past your ass.”

Not like you need one now, since Leon has one cheek in each hand. 

“You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I think you know how to count to ten, right?”

“Gonna spank me?”

“I figured a girl like you would be familiar.”

He gives you one firm slap on the ass. 

“Ow!” 

“You better be quiet, don’t want anyone to see you like this.”

You bite your lip, and try not to react to the sting. He spanks you once more. It isn’t the hardest he can hit, but it does leave a red handprint. 

You muffle whatever sound your mouth wants to make - thank God - you wouldn’t want Leon to know you like this. 

“How many?” he asks. 

“Two.” “Good girl.”

He lets you off with five, not ten, because you’re behaving well “compared to how you usually behave,” he tacks on. 

You turn back around to face Leon. “Get to work,” he says, gesturing to your desk. 

“What?”

“Work. It’s that thing you hate doing.” You look awfully confused. Maybe he hit you too hard. He should’ve thought before spanking you since your head was always up your own ass. He could’ve given you a concussion. Would you qualify for workers comp?

“What? Did you think I was going to fuck you?” 

“Yeah… I mean, you tore my skirt off.”

“I did, but the thing is: you want me to fuck you,” he says like it’s a goddamn revelation, “and this is supposed to be a punishment.”

“You already gave me a punishment,” you whine. 

“No, I spanked you and you liked it.”

“No, I didn’t,” you lie - terribly. 

Leon reaches into the front of your panties, and says, “Then why are you wet? Are you always like this?”

“Well- It’s not like- you liked it too, so it’s not like I’m the only one.”

“And?”

“And,” you sigh, swallow your pride, and say, “Please?”

“Please?”

“Please, Agent Kennedy, please, please, please, fuck me,” your voice gets smaller and smaller as you speak. You give him a tiny, adorably sorry smile. 

“I think that’s the most polite thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Is that a ‘yes’?”

It’s the hope in your eyes that breaks him, really.

“Will you be good?”

“Yes, sir, absolutely.”

He gives you a pre-sex interrogation: “you’ll be quiet?” “you won’t tell your dad?” “you’ll be more respectful in the future?” “you’ll show up on time?”

Every response from you is a confident, ‘yes, sir’, though you’re aroused to the point where he could ask you to sign your life away to him and you’d agree.  

“And you’ll actually get your work done today if I do this for you?”

“I will work for the rest of my goddamn life, sir.”

The sincerity in your voice makes him laugh. “Turn around.”

You’re worried he’s going to spank you again, but you’re lucky. He decides to fuck you. Not because you want it, but because he wants it. He’s wanted it since the day he saw your face for the first time. He almost made a move on you, but luckily, your dad saved him from that horrifyingly embarrassing mistake, “This is my daughter,” he introduced you. Jesus Christ, your wife must be hot as hell, he thought. 

He fills you in a single thrust and you thank him. Verbally, aloud. He can get used to this kind of behavior. It’s not like he needs you to do work - he begins to reason with himself - he’s been doing it by himself the entire time you’ve worked here, and lying to your father, saying it was you. He’ll probably get even more done if he has some motivation - in the form of your cunt, preferably. 

He’d never admit it, but Leon jerks off on average once every other day, and almost every time for the past year, you were on his mind. He tries to think about other women, but they just don’t do it for him. That was before he felt your inner walls squeezing his dick with every thrust. He’s already anticipating his night ahead - a hot date with a few too many glasses of whiskey, followed by the typical routine of fucking his fist to the thought of you. 

Leon keeps a tight grip on your hips while he slams into you at a merciless pace. Hopefully the walls of your shared office are thick enough to cover the sounds of skin slapping against skin, amplified by the soaking wet shlick sound that accompanies every thrust. 

“I didn’t expect you to be this tight,” Leon says, amidst heavy breathing. 

Your response comes in the form of a muffled moan. You clamp down around him, and he takes note. 

“Wasn’t supposed to be a compliment, honey. I’ll tell you in a way you can understand: I expected a slut like you to be a little looser.”

Slut. A four letter word. Leon enunciates each one. A moan escapes you, an affirmation. 

Leon grabs your panties, which are conveniently placed on the desk, he balls them up and shoves them in your mouth. Whatever you say - or tried to say - is muffled. 

“What’s the matter? You already ruined them.” He speeds up until the desk starts to squeak with each movement. “I think I actually like you, now that you’ve shut up.”

All of a sudden, he pulls out completely, but before you can complain, he flips you around and has you lie on your back. He sighs and gives you a look of genuine disappointment when you knock over a container of pens by accident. 

He slides into you without warning. The feeling makes your eyes roll back. 

“You look even stupider than usual.”

Leon removes your panties from your mouth when he notices that you’re approaching your orgasm. He leans his face down to your level and says, “If you want me to let you cum, you better beg for it.”

Tears prick at your waterline and there’s drool dripping from your lips when you speak. “Please,” you cry. Even though he’s stopped moving entirely, he can feel you spasming around him - you’re trying so hard to hold back, waiting for his approval. Your mouth is open, but you’re at a loss for words. 

“I know you’re trying your best.” For once, there’s an ounce of care in his voice. “Cum for me, baby.”

You sob when it hits you. Leon goes back to fucking you, albeit slowly. Your legs shake and back arches off the desk. He kisses you to cover up your moans. You only realize he’s kissing you when you come down from your high. On impulse, you pull him in and kiss him harder. He pulls away and it’s the most embarrassing split second of your life. The greatest rejection you could ever experience. Leon briefly sees sadness flash across your face and he would calm you if he weren’t so focused on cumming on you, rather than in you. 

He dips his head and his hair falls over his face as he finishes himself off with his hand. Relatively quiet compared to you. Only a low groan and a mumbled swear. You, on the other hand, would’ve been loud enough for your father, who was in a meeting four doors down, to hear. 

He whispers into your ear, “Good work today.” He kisses you on the cheek - short, but sweet. You don’t get a kiss on the lips until the next day - before he fucks you on his desk for the second time. 

[terriergirlthoughts]

to ex who cannot let things lie

i often find myself awake, sick to my stomach thinking about what you have put me through. not just from the three weeks we dated, but the five years that followed, where you constantly spewed hate and lies about me no matter what.

no matter how many months, years i stay silent, you continue to say things online about me. you say lies that i know in the bottom of your heart, you know aren’t true. empty accusations with no real evidence or even elaboration, just labels and buzzwords plastered over each other to build this big monster you insist that i am, but you never really knew me.

two weeks into becoming friends with you you were crushposting about me already. you asked me out, and i said no because i didn’t know you well enough. you guilted and grilled me about it, “well you have to let me know now if this is ever gonna happen because if not then i have to get over you.” i didn’t know what to do so i said probably.

i wish you knew that several people warned me about getting involved with you before i did. even our mutual friends. and even one of your exes, who you also abused. who you also threatened suicide and self harm to. i should have listened. but i thought maybe you’d changed. so i got to know you more, and a month later maybe, we started “dating” on christmas.

we dated for three weeks. you ridiculed me on my appearance, guilted me for my eating problems which i tried to keep to myself, and when i vented, (with consent to), you told me “well if you were skinny i wouldn’t be attracted to you”. yes you said that. you would blow up on me, telling me how terrible of a person i was for telling harmless jokes (saying “haha eat a bag o’ dicks” to a jab at my appearance). i would hang out with my roommate on nights i knew you were busy anyway and you would tell me how horrible of a person i was for not inviting you. if i didn’t respond to you you would guilt me. not just with vague posting on your blog about self harm and other grim stuff, but no you actually sent me art of you mutilating yourself and said “you weren’t answering so i got sad”. i was busy with college applications.

our relationship wasn’t all terrible 24/7, i had decent memories joking around together and drawing pictures for each other, showing each other music and stuff. in all honesty i never took it too seriously, though we said “i love you” to each other a week in. shamefully the first time i said it back i was drunk at my friends house, and it was over text. in all honesty i don’t think i loved you but i thought you were pretty cool when you weren’t freakin me out. it was high school, whatever.

but the bad outweighed the good, by far. dating you felt like constantly walking on eggshells. now, this was a long time ago, and i’m not sure what kind of person you are now, and if you’ve changed i’m happy for you and i congratulate you. but back then, you weren’t as kind as you should’ve been. i grew cold and distant, i didn’t want to be with you anymore. i broke up with you. i told you it was my fault and i was just bad at dating people and not to blame yourself, to protect your feelings. i was afraid of your reaction if i were to tell the truth. you told me you loved me more than anything and to let you know if i changed my mind, and that you’d always be there for me, that you didn’t want anyone else… then a few seconds later, you said “i wish i’d never met you, i wish my phone was lost forever, i wish i was dead”.

our breakup was as cringey as any high school break up tends to be. afterwards i offered you my friendship and tried to be kind. you blocked me on everything to protect your feelings, which i understood. still, i looked out for you in ways you couldn’t see, some you could. i wanted to be friends, genuinely, i didn’t want to hate each other, i didn’t see that as productive for either of us seeing we were in the same classes and would have to be spending time near each other anyway. i believe the worst i ever said to you after our breakup was “fuck off”.

things started going sour when you were posting about me nonstop. not just vague posting me, you were fully name dropping me to hundreds of people who knew my name. who knew who i was and my accounts. it started out with heartbreak-posting, sad-posting, which is all understandable. still i didn’t want my name involved so i asked you to stop and you did not.

months later, your posts turned very bitter, very aggressive. your friends and you joked about me dying, your friend even made a joke about a hit man killing me and you posted it laughing about it. you didn’t stop there, you made a whole separate side blog dedicated to posting hate about me. in one of them you said “DIE” over and over again. this all made me so sick and so paranoid.

months later, into the summer, you began referring to me online as your abuser. this came as a complete shock and punch to the gut to me. not only because we hardly even ever fought, and when we did it was you blowing up at me. but because i felt you had been the one mildly abusing me.

you never specified how i “”abused “”you. it was an empty accusation, no examples, no specifics, which i would have expected given how much you tended to overshare on your blog and in your art even, at the time. back in school , that year you made your final project about me and our “toxic relationship”. it was essentially a zine of you projecting the entirety of twin fantasy onto our relationship. which… was weird. but i had to stand there and listen to it and read it in front of everyone who knew it was about me. i wanted to disappear or throw up. i wish you knew what that felt like.

after the initial “abuser” accusation i could not leave bed for days. i cried constantly, i felt so fucking wronged. i had no appetite, i felt sick, it had completely destroyed me. the posting’s severity got to a point where my family noticed and became concerned. my mom told me she was going to text you from her phone and threaten legal action in hopes it would stop, from the death threats to harsh untrue accusations, none of us could take it anymore.

i even felt bad at the thought that receiving a text like that might frighten you or make you nervous. but she had made her mind up and what was i going to do. regardless of how i felt i also recognized it was warranted.

for years i would get random texts from friends showing me stuff you were saying. once you started with the ‘abuser’ stuff you didn’t stop, it had become concrete in your mind i guess.

flash forward to this year, i find out you are now referring to me as your “groomer ex bf”. how everyone in the fur community follows your “groomer ex bf” and how you were “groomed” when you were in the furry community.

i had the worst panic attack i’ve had in years. i could not stop shaking. man i thought i was going to die i couldn’t breathe. i could not believe this. the utter shock that you would even say something like that knowing it’s not true.

when we dated for three weeks, five years ago, in high school — i was one grade above you. one grade. we are barely a year and a half apart in age. you asked ME out. i even rejected you at first. we never had sex, our relationship was barely sexual at all. the most we did was draw suggestive pictures of our characters for each other. i was barely a non-virgin. we kissed a handful of times and held hands a few times.

do you… understand the weight that word holds? do you understand what that word even means??? grooming is something that an adult does to a child, preying on them for months to years, building a relationship with them to trust them so they can defile them.

to call me a groomer when it’s so painfully obvious that it isn’t true is just. an absolute new high score for you. i never thought you could outdo yourself. but you did. you keep topping it. i feel like next you’re gonna say i’m a serial killer or something. i don’t understand WHAT on this earth has you out here saying these things. but it has me in the same place i was in four years ago when you started accusing me of abusing you.

it doesn’t make me sick because i think it may be true, i know it’s not true. but the thought of other people believing you because they don’t know any better, and associating my name, my music, my artwork with something so disgusting and horrific. that’s what makes me sick.

i’ve worked so hard to build what i have now, i found myself in a community with people who i love and respect. the thought of losing all of this to someone who emotionally destroyed me for five fucking years over three weeks of nothing. that makes me sick. someone who has no problem lying to seem troubled. just like you did in high school, telling people you were “below the poverty line” when your dad makes movies and your mom home brews kombucha in your big ass suburban house. you are a privileged and sheltered narcissist and i pray to god you don’t do to anyone else what you have done to me.

[ditloe]

6/365

January 6, 2023

I think today was the latest I’ve woken up since the new year. I woke up at 11:30am and I think I woke up from all the footsteps outside of my room. My mom was doing laundry or something because I heard her get the laundry baskets from the closet. 

I had a missed call from my brother and found out that baby Caeleb tested positive for RSV :( I’m so sad and feel terrible... I really hope I wasn’t the cause of that. My brother said that maybe Adi gave it to him, but also not sure. I appreciate my brother for not blaming anyone and just dealing with the problem at hand. 

I decided to do my 10k steps early in the day! I didn’t want to be put in that situation again where it’s too late to finish the 10k completely. Speaking of, my Apple watch is fixed now and it’s sensing me walking. Last night I did 5k steps only (past midnight) and was glad I did some walking. Today I hit the full 10k all before 3pm. I was glad to get it done early so I wouldn’t be stressed about it later. 

Haven’t really been talking to my parents much honestly. I just get food from the kitchen and then clean up after myself. I mean, I am supposed to stay in isolation for 5 days, so I can’t really mingle with them freely. I also hate wearing n95 masks. It makes it really hard to breathe. I actually told my mom I wouldn’t be joining them to her birthday trip in Vegas. I told her it was because of money issues and it’s true. If she is bringing up money and basically on my butt about paying her back, then I really can’t go with her. I wonder if she expected me to pay for my flight and hotel room. It’s fine though. I hope they enjoy themselves. I am going to try and pick up some shifts if needed since I’m available. 

Chris and I are currently on Discord just chilling. I brought up (very briefly) where my sick basket was. When he got sick, I made him one and got him all the goodies he would need and some other little things. It’d be nice to get one since I don’t get small gifts often. It definitely sucks that Chris does not do these little things for me. I appreciate him doing big things like helping with the car or handy work, but it isn’t the same. I want to be surprised with flowers or gifted things just because. He doesn’t see that, and I’ve brought it up to him multiple times and he never changes. Romance feels dead and sometimes it just seems that we’re friends. I feel like when he gets money from his projects, he uses it towards his lasers and stuff. I understand that is important, but he doesn’t really think to do something nice for me out of the blue. If we were a long-distance couple, it would not work out because he doesn’t do anything to keep the spark alive while we’re apart. Chris and I have been together for so long and I hate how things are being too comfortable. 

Wow, I feel sad now after ranting about my love life. COVID sucks and it has definitely kept me from going out, but it has also showed me that it’s okay to be independent and I should be finding ways to make myself happier instead of searching it from others. 

Honestly, I just need to make more money and worry about myself. I need to do what I want and live life. My financial instability is definitely hindering me from doing things I want to do. I will definitely ask my manager about switching over to part time if I do get a chance to see her on a weekday. Otherwise, maybe I can email her to set up a video appointment. 

Steps: 15,350 (minus 5,199 steps because those steps were supposed to be from yesterday)

[saturneves]

both mine and my family’s social life is pretty much non-existent and it makes me feel so trapped :’)))))

[qqueenofhades]

Do you really hate this county? Or were you just ranting?

Sigh. I debated whether or not to answer this, since I usually keep the real-life/politics/depressing current events to a relative minimum on this blog, except when I really can't avoid ranting about it. But I have some things to get off my chest, it seems, and you did ask. So.

The thing is, any American with a single modicum of genuine historical consciousness knows that despite all the triumphalist mythology about Pulling Up By Our Bootstraps and the American Dream and etc, this country was founded and built on the massive and systematic exploitation and extermination of Black and Indigenous people. And now, when we are barely (400 years later!!!) getting to a point of acknowledging that in a widespread way, oh my god the screaming. I'm so sick of the American right wing I could spit for so many reasons, not least of which is the increasingly reductive and reactive attempts to put the genie back in the bottle and set up hysterical boogeymen about how Teaching Your Children Critical Race Theory is the end of all things. They have forfeited all pretense of being a real governing party; remember how their only platform at the 2020 RNC was "support whatever Trump says?" They have devolved to the point where the cruelty IS the point, to everyone who doesn't fit the nakedly white supremacist mold. They don't have anything to do aside from attempt to usher in actual, literal, dictionary-definition-of-fascism and sponsor armed revolts against the peaceful transfer of power.

That is fucking exhausting to be aware of all the time, especially with the knowledge that if we miss a single election cycle -- which is exceptionally easy to do with the way the Democratic electorate needs to be wooed and courted and herded like cats every single time, rather than just getting their asses to the polls and voting to keep Nazis out of office -- they will be right back in power again. If Manchin and Sinema don't get over their poseur pearl-clutching and either nuke the filibuster or carve out an exception for voting rights, the John Lewis Voting Rights Act is never going to get passed, no matter how many boilerplate appeals the Democratic leadership makes on Twitter. In which case, the 2022 midterms are going to give us Kevin McCarthy, Speaker of the House (I threw up in my mouth a little typing that) and right back to the Mitch McConnell Obstruction Power Hour in the Senate. The Online Left (TM) will then blame the Democrats for not doing more to stop them. These are, of course, the same people who refused to vote for Hillary Clinton out of precious moral purity reasons in 2016, handed the election to Trump, and now like to complain when the Trump-stacked Supreme Court reliably churns out terrible decisions. Gee, it's almost like elections have consequences!!

Aside from my exasperation with the death-cult right-wing fascists and the Online Left (TM), I am sick and tired of how forty years of "trickle-down" Reaganomics has created a world where billionaires can just fly to space for the fun of it, while the rest of America (and the world) is even more sick, poor, overheated, economically deprived, and unable to survive the biggest public health crisis in a century, even if half the elected leadership wasn't actively trying to sabotage it. Did you know that half of American workers can't even afford a one-bedroom apartment? Plus the obvious scandal that is race relations, health care, paid leave, the education system (or lack thereof), etc etc. I'm so tired of this America Is The Greatest Country in the World mindless jingoistic catchphrasing. We are an empire in the late stages of collapse and it's not going to be pretty for anyone. We have been poisoned on sociopathic-libertarian-selfishness-disguised-as-Freedom ideology for so long that that's all there is left. We have become a country of idiots who believe everything their idiot friends post on social media, but in a very real sense, it's not directly those individuals' fault. How could they, when they have been very deliberately cultivated into that mindset and stripped of critical thinking skills, to serve a noxious combination of money, power, and ideology?

I am tired of the fact that I have become so drained of empathy that when I see news about more people who refused to get the vaccine predictably dying of COVID, my reaction is "eh, whatever, they kind of deserved it." I KNOW that is not a good mindset to have, and I am doing my best to maintain my personal attempts to be kind to those I meet and to do my small part to make the world better. I know these are human beings who believed what they were told by people that they (for whatever reason) thought knew better than them, and that they are part of someone's family, they had loved ones, etc. But I just can't summon up the will to give a single damn about them (I'm keeping a bingo card of right-wing anti-vax radio hosts who die of COVID and every time it's like, "Alexa, play Another One Bites The Dust.") The course that the pandemic took in 21st-century America was not preordained or inevitable. It was (and continues to be) drastically mismanaged for cynical political reasons, and the legacy of the Former Guy continues to poison any attempts to bring it under control or convince people to get a goddamn vaccine. We now have over 100,000 patients hospitalized with COVID across the country -- more than last summer, when the vaccines weren't available.

I have been open about my fury about the devaluation of the humanities and other critical thinking skills, about the fact that as an academic in this field, my chances of getting a full-time job for which I have trained extensively and acquired a specialist PhD are... very low. I am tired of the fact that Americans have been encouraged to believe whatever bullshit they fucking please, regardless of whether it is remotely true, and told that any attempt to correct them is "anti-freedom." I am tired of how little the education system functions in a useful way at all -- not necessarily due to the fault of teachers, who have to work with what they're given, and who are basically heroes struggling stubbornly along in a profession that actively hates them, but because of relentless under-funding, political interference, and furious attempts, as discussed above, to keep white America safely in the dark about its actual history. I am tired of the fact that grade school education basically relies on passing the right standardized tests, the end. I am tired of the implication that the truth is too scary or "un-American" to handle. I am tired. Tired.

I know as well that "America" is not synonymous in all cases with "capitalist imperialist white-supremacist corporate death cult." This is still the most diverse country in the world. "America" is not just rich white middle-aged Republicans. "America" involves a ton of people of color, women, LGBTQ people, Muslims, Jews, Christians of good will (I have a whole other rant on how American Christianity as a whole has yielded all pretense of being any sort of a principled moral opposition), white allies, etc etc. all trying to make a better world. The blue, highly vaccinated, Biden-winning states and counties are leading the economic recovery and enacting all kinds of progressive-wishlist dream policies. We DID get rid of the Orange One via the electoral process and avert fascism at the ballot box, which is almost unheard-of, historically speaking. But because, as also discussed above, certain elements of the Democratic electorate need to fall in love with a candidate every single time or threaten to withhold their vote to punish the rest of the country for not being Progressive Enough, these gains are constantly fragile and at risk of being undone in the next electoral cycle. Yes, the existing system is a crock of shit. But it's what we've got right now, and the other alternative is open fascism, which we all got a terrifying taste of over the last four years. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to go back.

So... I don't know. I don't know if that stacks up to hate. I do hate almost everything about what this country currently is, structurally speaking, but I recognize that is not identical with the many people who still live here and are trying to do their best, including my friends, family, and myself. I am exhausted by the fact that as an older millennial, I am expected to survive multiple cataclysmic economic crashes, a planet that is literally boiling alive, a barely functional political system run on black cash, lies, and xenophobia, a total lack of critical thinking skills, renewed assaults on women/queer people/POC/etc, and somehow feel like I'm confident or prepared for the future. Not all these problems are only America's fault alone. The West as a whole bears huge responsibility for the current clusterfuck that the world is in, for many reasons, and so do some non-Western countries. But there is no denying that many of these problems have ultimate American roots. See how the ongoing fad for right-wing authoritarian strongmen around the world has them modeling themselves openly on Trump (like Brazil's lunatic president, Jair Bolsonaro, who talks all the time about how Trump is his political role model). See what's going on in Afghanistan right now. Etc. etc.

Anyway. I am very, very tired. There you have it.

[cjsinkythoughts]

In Need of a Breath

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 4007

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Zemo, Feelings, Another PTSD Flashback

A/N: So…Part 4 is going to have a couple parts to it. Maybe even three. I didn’t even make it half way through the episode on this one, mainly because I really wanted to fit in the Reader’s backstory and I wanted her and Sam to have a heart-to-heart again. I’m suuuuper tired, so I probably won’t be posting the next part for another few hours (it’s 5 am right now and I haven’t slept), BUT it’s my day off work and I won’t be doing anything I planned because my grandmother had a stroke a couple days ago so plans have changed and I’m staying in to help her, meaning I’ll mostly be writing all day. 

This Part is kind of a mix between off-screen and shot-by-shots, but it’s mostly off screen/what’s going on inside Reader’s head.

I’m really excited about future parts and the characters that are being introduced! I will say that after these parts, I will be doing one shots of previous MCU movies with the Reader, due to the information that is being given about the Reader now. You kind of see more of how she was affected/how she affected the previous MCU movies and what she was doing during that time.

Like always, this hasn’t been beta’d, again it’s SUPER early in the morning, and I’m really tired, so please excuse any mistakes! I hope you guys enjoy this part! Stay tuned for more to come later today!

FATWS MASTERLIST

cjsinkythoughts MASTERLIST

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

“You know…I’m really starting to regret saying yes to this.” You huffed out, craning your neck and squinting your eyes against the sun as you stare at the facility in front of you, hating the skin-crawling feeling of being back.

“Would you relax? Whenever you’re nervous, I get nervous, and I don’t wanna be nervous about this.” Sam shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“Do either of you have a better plan?” Bucky grumbled, crossing his arms.

Gnawing on your lips, you finally take the lead and breathe out, “alright. Let’s go then.” You could feel the hesitance from your - what were they? Partners? Coworkers? Teammates? - the fellas before they started after you.

There was a sick twist in your gut as you entered the building, going through the lobby and security.

You had been there.

You had been there when Zemo impersonated Bucky. You had been there when Zemo unleashed the Winter Soldier at the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre Building in Berlin. You had been there during the battle at the airport. You had been there when Zemo turned Tony and Steve against each other in Siberia. You had been there when Zemo tore the Avengers from the inside out. Your family. The only family you’d ever known.

But you’d always been good about pushing your personal feelings aside for the sake of the mission. It’s what you’d been born to do. All you ever knew.

“Hey. Doll. You hear me?”

“Hmm. What?” You looked up from the ground to look into those enchanting blue oceans Bucky had for eyes, staring worriedly down at you, eyebrows pinched and forehead creased.

“I’m going in alone.” You frowned, opening your mouth to argue, but he shook his head. “Sam already agreed-”

“I didn’t necessarily agree-”

“You’re an Avenger, sweetheart.” Bucky tilted his head, speaking softly, those eyes of his worried. Worried for you. It made your stomach flip. “And you were there in Siberia, and that almost makes it worse. Especially considering you went after him. Just…just let me do this, okay?”

You cracked your knuckles nervously as you thought. It was a terrible idea. But it was an idea. And it was all they had. “Okay.” You finally relented, shrugging as your hands hit your thighs and slid up to your hips. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

“Steve took all that with him.”

Knowing about their little inside joke, you scoffed. “Sure he did. Go before I change my mind.”

You watched him walk down the hallway, hands fidgeting with excess nerves. “I think you’re the only one he actually seeks approval from.”

“Good thing I’m so lenient then, huh?” You joked, turning to Sam with a strained smile. Your smile slipped at the curious expression on Sam’s face, his eyes darting to each of your features. “What?”

“Are you doing okay?”

You groaned, throwing your head back. You thought you got out of talking about your feelings back in Baltimore. “Oh my God, Sam-”

“I’m serious. You…you just don’t seem like yourself.”

You shook your head, looking down the hall to where Bucky disappeared before turning back to him. It was weird to have a self that people recognized. Your whole life you’d been searching for it and when you finally found it…everything went to shit. “Honestly, Sammy, the only time I’ve ever felt like myself was with the team. Zemo took that away from me and now we’re here, practically begging him for help.”

Sam hummed, leaning against the wall. “Have you thought of taking a break?”

“What?”

“A break.” At your bewildered look, he rolled his eyes. “Cher, this time last year most of us were dead. This time a few months ago you found out about Wanda. This time last week you were out looking for her. Maybe you should just stop and take a breather.”

Shoving your hands in your pocket and looking at the floor, you couldn’t help but snort at his advice. “I haven’t taken a breather since I was eighteen.”

He clicked his tongue. “That’s my point. FBI academy as soon as you graduated. SHIELD recruit by 21, undercover operations leader by 24? Slow down. You’re in your thirties. Next thing you know, you’re gonna be ninety something, lying on your deathbed, wishing you had stopped to smell the roses.”

“If I live to be ninety, shoot me.” He chuckled in amusement. “I’m so fucking serious, Sam. I will not be put in an old folks home to play Bingo and be pushed around in a wheelchair. It ain’t happening.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” There was that infectious smile, which you unconsciously grinned back at. “Y/N…I’m serious. You’ve been in and out of missions since you were a teenager. What’s the shortest undercover operation you’ve done?”

“I dunno.”

He gave you an unimpressed look. “Yeah you do.”

Licking your lips, you turned away and shrugged. “A couple months. Seven weeks and three days, to be precise. September to October in 2012.”

“And the longest?”

“August 2007 to May 2009. Twenty one months.” 

Letting out a puff of air through his nose, Sam pushed himself off the wall and caught your chin between his fingers to make you look at him. “That’s nearly two years under cover. And I’m sure you went right back under after-”

“I was sitting at a desk for four months doing paperwork on it.” You defended yourself.

He shook his head, brows knitting together, lips drawn down. “You say that as if four months is enough time.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Sammy. I’m out. I’ve been out since Ultron and Sokovia. I haven’t been under in almost a decade-”

“A decade half the world was dead for half of-”

“I wasn’t!”

“I never said you were.” Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. You were always amazed at his ability to keep his emotions in check. To stay cool under pressure. Sometimes you forgot how experienced he was with dealing with other people’s trauma. It was no wonder why Steve thought he’d be good for Bucky. “Listen. All I’m saying is once this is done…don’t go diving back into searching for Wanda. Don’t go running to the kid every time he calls - and I know you’ve been doing that-”

“It’s just been homework and stuff-”

“Y/N.” You stopped, biting your lip at the stern look he gave you. “Go home. Order take out. Binge watch TV. Go for a jog through the park. Actually meet your neighbors. Go grocery shopping. Just…live. If only for a couple weeks. Don’t worry about anyone else. Don’t pick up the phone, don’t drop everything because someone needs you. You need you.”

“I-I…” You shook your head, looking at him, sincerely apologetic. “I can’t. I wish I could. But I can’t. I’ve never had one normal day in my life. I’ve never had someone to care for, never had someone to care for me. I can’t let people I’ve come to…I can’t let them think I don’t care. I don’t even know where I’d go.”

“Whaddya mean?”

You winced, not thrilled for his reaction to your next statement. “I, uh, I sold my apartment in D.C.”

He gaped at you in complete disbelief. “You got it in December!”

“I know, I know. I liked it. I really did, but…I dunno. Nomadic life has always suited me better. It’s what I grew up with.”

He took a breath, making you cringe again. You don’t think you’ve ever legitimately gotten on his nerves like this before. “Have you ever thought that, instead of going with the flow and jumping place to place, putting down roots might actually help?” He cut you off before you could say anything, holding up a finger to stop you from talking. “I can’t imagine going from foster home to foster home like you did. I can’t imagine not having a home for as long as you can remember. Louisiana’s my home. Always has, always will be. But I understand your life has been anything but stable. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why you need some stability.”

You clenched your jaw, crossing your arms. “The Avengers were my stability. Steve was my stability.”

“Because you loved him.”

“I’m not doing this with you again.” You turned to walk down to the lobby to wait for Bucky there, but Sam caught your arm.

“You were in love with him! It’s okay! You two were super close! No one would blame you! Why won’t you just admit it? I’m trying to understand! Why won’t you-”

You tugged your arm away, finally snapping at him. “Because he could never be mine, Wilson! Is that what you wanna hear?!” Sam took a step back at your exclamation. You closed your eyes, swallowing the lump in your throat and pushing down the tears. “He could preach all he wanted about moving forwards, Sammy, but we all knew he was stuck in the past. He visited the museum every Thursday because her interview showed in his exhibit on Thursdays. He carried around that broken compass because her picture was in it.” You looked back up at him sadly, shrugging. “And I get it; it’s hard to move past your first love. I get it because…that’s what he was to me.”

There was a silence that blanketed the hallway, before he spoke up hesitantly. “What about Bucky?”

“I thought - I thought I was projecting my feelings for Steve onto him because I knew Steve couldn’t ever…”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You thought? What do you think now?”

You cleared your throat. “I’m still figuring that one out.”

“If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here.”

You chuckled, nodding slightly towards him. “Back atcha. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you not being yourself lately, either.”

“It’s…a tough topic.”

You nodded in understanding. “Just know that I’ll support every decision you make as long as you think it’s the right one. Because I trust you. Steve trusted you. It’s all we can do to try to do what’s right. That’s what makes you a good man, Sammy. He gave you that shield for a reason, and if you think what you did was right…I’ll stand by it.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, calming down in each other’s presences and taking comfort knowing you’d be there for each other through thick and thin. “Thank you, cher.”

“Of course, Sammy. Now let’s go see what’s taking the old grump so long.”

He laughed at that, nodding in agreement, taking your offered hand and squeezing it as you made your way down the hall.

****************

“What?”

Bucky eyed you as you spluttered, coughing on the water you were drinking. “Please don’t choke, doll.”

“Break him out of jail?!” You repeated his words and blinked at him, absolutely baffled by his plan. “Oh my God.” You groaned as Bucky and Sam started arguing, moving your flashlight around the room. “Where the hell are we?” There was no response as they kept going back and forth.

“Zemo’s gonna mess with our minds! Especially yours! No offense.”

“Heelllloooo!” You tried again. “Where the hell are we?!”

Bucky turned on the lights, giving Sam a look. “Offense.” Glancing at you he quirked an eyebrow. “Stop worrying your pretty lil’ head, sweetheart. You trust me, dontcha?” Your breath hitched at his words. You quickly recovered, huffing and pouting - although you’d deny ever pouting - and crossing your arms. You stood between the guys like that, eyes darting to whoever was speaking, waiting for them to stop so you could actually think.

“Look. Let me just walk you through a hypothetical. Can I walk you through a hypothetical?”

You and Sam exchanged glances. “What did you do?”

“I…didn’t do…anything.” Bucky shrugged.

“How is it that you, one of the most deadliest assassins basically ever, are one of the worst liars I know.” You tilted your head at him, an eyebrow quirking up in confusion.

“Shush it you. Just, okay. The weakest point in any system isn’t the software, the hardware, it’s the meatware. The human element.”

The more you listened to Bucky’s “hypothetical”, the stronger the gut feeling telling you this was a terrible terrible idea got. You brought your hands up to your head, eyes wide as he spoke.

“I don’t like how casual you’re bein’ about this. This is unnatural.”

You couldn’t help but agree with Sam’s words, your head falling back and your eyes closing. “Sweet Jesus. Listen, God, I know we don’t talk much these days, but please, please don’t let this not be a hypothetical. I’m fucking begging you.”

A noise to your right made your head snap over. “Oh hell to the fucking no!” You shook your head as Zemo himself walked in, wearing a prison guards uniform. “Uh-uh! No way! Bucky, this was not part of the plan!”

“What did you do?!”

“We need him!”

“You’re going back to prison.”

“If I may-”

All three of you faced him, simultaneously shouting, “no!”

You held your face in your hands as your head dropped, shaking back and forth, your eyes squeezing shut, tuning them out for just a minute to think. Bucky had a point. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that, and the Avengers were technically disbanded, which was Zemo’s whole objective in the first place, but…God. You were good at compartmentalizing, but not that much. You were willing to put your feelings aside for the mission so Bucky could talk to him. Not for you to work with him. But he had connections, you knew he did, and he had information…

“Doll?” You looked up, Bucky anxiously licking his lips as he met your gaze. “I need you to say something.”

You looked to Sam, who shrugged, gesturing to Zemo. “What do you think?”

What did you think? What did you think?! You thought that it was the worst idea in the history of ideas and you should turn back and find another way! But…you knew this was the fastest, probably most reliable way to get information that you needed.

Dammit, since when were you the deciding factor?

You sucked in a breath, looking over Sam’s shoulder at Zemo, who lifted his hand in greeting. You raised your eyes to the ceiling, pointing your finger accusingly. “This is why we stopped talking.” Gaze dropping to the still waiting fellas, you gnawed on your lip, before hissing out, “ffffine…” Running a hand through your hair, you threw your hands up as you shrugged. “Fine. Okay. Fine.”

“Okay.” Sam nodded, taking charge again.

You couldn’t believe this was happening. Except, that was a lie. You could. You’d seen weirder. You’d experienced the impossible. Lived through the unbelievable. This…this was completely imaginable.

Which is why, with a lot of hesitation and very little confidence in this plan, you followed Zemo through the auto shop you were in until you reached a large room with a ton of different old cars.

Bucky’s hand found yours as Zemo explained what the plan was, rather vaguely, in your opinion, but at least he was explaining. Point for him. Not that it would make up for the level of distrust you held for him, but it was something.

You looked up at him, giving him a puzzling frown. He usually only grabbed your hand in front of other people when he was feeling anxious. Which, yeah, he had a right to be anxious right now, but it wasn’t the right kind. The type of anxiety caused by large crowds and loud noises, ones that startled him and threw him into a defensive mode.

But the look on his face made you squeeze his hand in reassurance. He was pouting, staring at you although he did something wrong - a puppy that tore up a pillow - and all you wanted to do was give him a hug.

“You’re mad at me.” He mumbled as the four of you headed out with Zemo in the lead.

“No I’m not.”

“Yeah you are. 

“Bucky, I’m not mad.”

“Listen, if I had a better idea I wouldn’t-”

You brought your linked hands up to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his gloved knuckles. “I’m not mad.” You repeated more firmly. “It’s just���a lot for me, right now.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on, Buck, I-I just…” You thought about your and Sam’s earlier conversation and suddenly understood what he meant. “I need to breathe for a second.”

His features twisted into ones of uncertainty, eyes squinting as you stepped outside. “Do you…do you wanna leave?”

You shook your head, tugging his arm to stop him and grabbing the sunglasses on his collar, slipping them over his eyes. “No. I just need some time to think. Hopefully the plane ride to wherever the hell we’re going will give me that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, James. I’m sure.”

He lowered the glasses on his nose to scan you over the frames, before nodding and sliding them back up. “Okay. You ready for this, then?”

“No.” You breathed, turning back to where Zemo and Sam were still walking. “Let’s do this.”

*****************

Climbing onto the private jet, you raised an eyebrow at Sam, who shrugged, giving you a bemused expression. A Baron…huh…who knew? You feel like you should’ve, yet there you were.

You sat besides Bucky, across from Zemo, crossing your legs and leaning back while staring at him through narrowed eyes.

His butler seemed nice, which made you even more suspicious. You obviously didn’t know as much about Zemo as you wanted to. It was a habit you picked up after years of undercover work; once the mission was complete, that was that. There was no looking back on it. No sitting on it. It was over and you moved onto the next one. It was a bad habit in cases like this.

The moment you spotted the notebook over Zemo’s book you knew something was going to happen, yet you still flinched when Bucky lunged at him, grabbing his throat. You leaned back in your seat again, steadying your now racing heartbeat. You decided you were too tense, trying to relax your muscles as Bucky sat back down in his seat.

“I’ve seen that book. It was Steve’s when he came out of the ice. I told him about Trouble Man. He wrote it in that book.” Sam seemed so proud of himself that something he recommended was written in Steve’s little book and it made you smile.

You remembered that; Steve and you were supposed to meet up for coffee after his run, but Fury called him in so you rescheduled it for when he got back. He asked you about Marvin Gaye. For your opinion. You told him to check it out and make his own.

You remembered asking him about that little notebook of his, and he just shrugged you off telling you about his list. He would read items off to you, but he never let you read the book yourself. You never found out why, and you supposed you never would now. The thought made an ache behind your ribs that you’d come to familiarize yourself with appear.

You smiled a little more as Zemo and Sam told Bucky how awesome Marvin Gaye was. “C’mon, baby. Back me up.”

Chuckling, you looked at Bucky. “They’re not wrong. But,” you quickly added before Bucky could whine at you, facing Sam again. “Neither is Buck. I mean, c’mon. You can’t find music like the 40’s anymore. Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, Fred Astaire. Ol’ Blue Eyes himself.”

“Thank you.” Bucky grinned at Sam, who rolled his eyes.

“Okay, okay. But, I mean, c’mon! Everybody loves Marvin Gaye.”

“I like Marvin Gaye.”

“Steve adored Marvin Gaye.”

Your face fell as Zemo started talking about Steve and icons and Red Skull, your mind once again slipping away from reality.

~

“Kids love you.” You giggled as you finally made it out of his exhibit. You’d wanted to show it to him since he moved to D.C., and you’d finally got an opportunity after coming back from being undercover for ten weeks. “You’re their hero, you know.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to do what’s right.”

You nudged him, scoffing at his answer. “You’re too humble. You’re a national icon, you know.”

Steve shrugged, looking around the museum at the planes surrounding them. “I never wanted to be.”

“Why not? Everyone loves you.”

“I’m sure not everyone loves me.” He rolled his eyes. “And…I just wanted to help. To fight. Protect my country and the people I cared about. I-I didn’t ask for…all that.” He waved behind his shoulder where his exhibit was getting smaller with each step they took away. “People were dying. Bullies were winning.”

You shook your head, spinning and walking backwards besides him to face him. “Sure, but you did that. And you became someone people could look up to in the process.”

He narrowed his eyes at you before asking, “why do you do what you do?”

“...because I’m good at it?”

“Honey.” He gave you a look. “Answer the question.”

You hummed in thought. “Because I couldn’t stand by, knowing there would be orphaned kids if I didn’t help any way I could.”

“Alright. Why do you do it in the dark?”

“Whaddya mean?”

He shrugged. “Why don’t you come out and take credit for all the lives you’ve saved?”

“Because that’s not why I do it. I don’t want that attention. I just want to know I’ve helped people. I’ve kept them safe.”

He gave you a soft smile. “I just wanted to beat the bully. I never wanted to be a dancing monkey, too.” You looked at him in a new light then, understanding where he was coming from. “Watch out, honey!” He grabbed you and pulled you aside before you could crash into a wall, arms wrapped firmly around your waist. He gave you that charming smile of his. “Wouldn’t want you hurting that pretty lil’ head of yours, now would we?”

~

“Y/N!”

You snapped back into the conversation, moving your eyes from the window to Bucky, who tilted his head, eyebrows pinched and eyes narrowed. “Sorry. So, Madripoor. That’s a fun place.”

You ignored the side eyed glances Bucky and Sam exchanged, Sam turning to you curiously. “You’ve been?”

“Once. Back in 2010 for a few months”

Zemo raised his eyebrows. “You’re lucky to have gotten out.”

You shrugged nonchalantly. “Lucky, maybe. Skills were a part of it, too, though.”

“Good.” Zemo nodded. “Because we’re going undercover…and if we blow it. We’re dead.”

You breathed out, shaking your memory away and getting your head back into the game. Because like the man you were severely wary of in front of you said, if you blew this, you were dead. And, sure, you didn’t want to live until ninety, but you weren’t even half way there yet. So dammit if you were going to die soon.

“Hey.” You looked over at Bucky’s murmur, his head tilting as he grabbed your hand and pulled you from your seat closer to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Are you okay? You know you’re going to have to be-”

“I know.” He nodded. You watched his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed thickly. “I’ll be fine. Just…tell me right now if you need to step out for this one.”

You gave him a smile that you knew he didn’t buy, just by the slight narrowing of his eye, his lips pressing together. “No. No, I’m good for this. If you think I’m gonna let you two idiots go into Madripoor with him - alone - oil that cyborg brain of yours, because there’s no way.”

He squeezed your hand, eyes still filled with uncertainty. “Are you sure?”

“If there’s even a slight possibility that I can protect you, then yeah. I’m sure, Buckaroo.”

[rpstartersinc]

* 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄'𝐒  𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐄  𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈��𝐄  𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑  𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄.

feel free to change pronouns / wording!

“ you’d have to pay me. ”  

“ she’s throwing herself at you! ”  

“ maybe you should lower your standards once in a while. ”  

“ i thought they were gone. ”  

“ i swear, my sister is licking the powder off the doritos and putting them back in the bag. ”  

“ i was a weird kid. ”  

“ why are you so serious right now? ”  

“ do not oversleep. ”  

“ whatever little game this is, whatever you think you know, you don’t know shit! ”  

“ you’re in my house, so i can legally kill you! ”  

“ you want money? because i can venmo you right now. ”  

“ no one’s gotta know! ”  

“ i’m sure he’ll turn up. ”  

“ who would do this? ”  

“ doesn’t mean he had to die. ”  

“ could’ve hired a killer. ”  

“ i haven’t slept since it happened. ”  

“ store ran out of all the sad cards. ”  

“ i love that optimism. ”  

“ no teacher’s gonna punish the grief-stricken. ”  

“ he’s too dumb not to get caught. ”  

“ chaos breeds opportunity. ”  

“ you think i’m bad? ”  

“ i will cut you. ”  

“ and you just said that... and i liked it. ”  

“ i mean... it is factual. ”  

“ my dad is a fuck. ”  

“ it’s not really an insult. ”  

“ now i know why everyone treats graduation like a death sentence. ”  

“ heard you walking around last night. ”  

“ you don’t think i notice you changing the subject? ”  

“ you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. ”  

“ i have watched a lot of true crime, and this was clearly premeditated. ”  

“ i know you’re not sick. ”  

“ the killer’s here. ”  

“ do you hear that? ”  

“ aren’t you glad you moved here? ”  

“ can’t i just have a normal life where no one gets murdered? ”  

“ i’m just kind of afraid, maybe. ”  

“ you hide it so well. ”  

“ i guess we can’t hide anything anymore, can we? ”  

“ makes my head hurt. ”  

“ i mean that with love. ”  

“ there’s some crazy fucks in this town. ”  

“ those are not friends. they are what’s left when no one else wants to know you. ”  

“ did you cut your hair? yeah - i cut it myself. wow! it’s a good haircut. ”  

“ i think you like being around someone more fucked up than you. ”  

“ any reason you left? ”  

“ there’s a lot of pressure to be perfect. ”  

“ it’s easier to be ourselves around strangers than it is our own friends. ”  

“ you’re the only one who lets me disappear. ”  

“ are you just creeping like a creep? ”  

“ don’t make me cry. ”  

“ you meant it, right? you weren’t just saying that? ”  

“ did you make this? ”  

“ sorry about your friend. ”  

“ call the cops if you’re so sure. ”  

“ do you just fucking hate everyone? ”  

“ i don’t want you here alone. ”  

“ you just... showed up. ”  

“ just nice pretending to have control over how we die. ”  

“ the car’s a piece of shit. ”  

“ don’t shut me out again. ”  

“ good thing i know you’re not dangerous. ”  

“ i actually think you love secrets. ”  

“ he always has to know where i am all the time. ”  

“ you never talk about them, your parents. ”  

“ people need someone to blame. ”  

“ i know you. i know who you are. ”  

“ world got you down? we can talk. ”  

“ i am but an observer of human behaviour. ”  

“ you get people alone in a car, you can learn real quick who they are. ”  

“ she was a real bitch, that one. may she rest. ”  

“ are you here all alone? ”  

“ not a day goes by i don’t hate myself for it. ”  

“ i’m gonna get a coffee. ”  

“ you are a different person. i’ve never met the person you’re talking about. ”  

“ i’m not really good with hugs. ”  

“ you good there by yourself? ”  

“ i don’t even know where to start. ”  

“ i’ve been so beyond terrible to you. ”  

“ you don’t have to do this! ”  

“ do you know how many times i’ve dreamt of that moment? ”  

“ does no one know what that word means anymore? ”  

��� you have no idea who i am. ”  

“ i’ve spent my whole life denying who i am. ”  

“ you’re all putting on these... these fake faces. ”  

“ take one more fucking step and i swear to god - ”  

“ i could just put this all on you, no one would ever know. ”  

“ what kind of fucked-up logic is that? ”  

“ i don’t have to wear a mask to show you who you are. ”  

[edenmemes]

misc poetry sentence starters

❝  one gets so used to one’s own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people.  ❞ ❝  you remind me what love lives in this skin.  ❞ ❝  you are the most phantom-like of all; you are a mere dream.  ❞ ❝  i’m not telling you a story so much as a shipwreck—the places floating, finally legible.  ❞ ❝  the world was made so we can find each other in it.  ❞ ❝  the night isn’t dark; the world is dark. stay with me a little longer.  ❞ ❝  i want you desperately. i want your strength and your softness, your hands, all of you.  ❞ ❝  is that too much to expect? that i would name the stars for you?  ❞ ❝  against your cheek my hand is warm and full of tenderness.  ❞ ❝  the world grows green again when you smile.  ❞ ❝  your share of pains would fill a sea.  ❞ ❝  i’m so stuck on the ‘was’ of people.  ❞ ❝  what i love in you is your power of loving, a bit wild, a bit primitive, but absolute.  ❞ ❝  i like figuring you out. you are so human and puzzling.  ❞ ❝  the unwillingness to try is worse than any failure.  ❞ ❝  you wanted happiness. i can’t blame you for that.  ❞ ❝  i did violence to my own heart.  ❞ ❝  i don’t know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth.  ❞ ❝  like a magpie, i am a scavenger of shiny things: fairy tales and dead languages.  ❞ ❝  and here you come with a shield for a heart and a sword for a tongue.  ❞ ❝  you kiss the back of my legs and i want to cry.    only the sun has come this close, only the sun.  ❞ ❝  sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof you’ve been ruined.  ❞ ❝  when will it cease, this monstrous rage of yours?  ❞ ❝  i will plant my hands in the garden. i will grow, i know, i know.  ❞ ❝  i had it all and i want it back again.  ❞ ❝  i don’t care about anyone, and the feeling is quite obviously mutual.  ❞ ❝  we are two reflections that cross swords with each other.  ❞ ❝  as for me, i am a watercolour. i wash off.  ❞ ❝  do you dare send me away as though you were were waiting for something better?  ❞ ❝  my dear, you are in danger of being burned by your own flame.  ❞ ❝  i am three oceans away from my soul.  ❞ ❝  you, occasionally, glimmer with a light i’ve never seen before. it frightens me.  ❞ ❝  i went to sleep last night so i could see you.  ❞ ❝  even the eyes of gods must adjust to light. even gods have gods.  ❞ ❝  how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it’s some kind of murder?  ❞ ❝  it does me no good to be good to me now.  ❞ ❝  i may look alright, but if you were to look more closely you wouldn’t find a single healthy bit in me.  ❞ ❝  i must clothe myself in other worlds.  ❞ ❝  suffering is the privilege of those who feel.  ❞ ❝  sorry about the blood in your mouth. i wish it was mine.  ❞ ❝  the vigor, the fire, that enables you to love and create. when you lose that, you’ve lost everything.  ❞ ❝  i can be bold, because i have you with me always.  ❞ ❝  you are shaking fists and trembling teeth. i know: you did not mean to be cruel. that does not mean you were kind.  ❞ ❝  not that i want to be a god or a hero, just to change into a tree,  grow for ages, not hurt anyone.  ❞ ❝  i laughed today. for a second i was unhaunted.  ❞ ❝  you are sunlight through a window, which i stand in, warmed.  ❞ ❝  there’s something electric in your blood.  ❞ ❝  you say you are broken,   but broken mirrors like you create the most beautiful patterns of light.  ❞ ❝  time doesn’t obey our commands.  ❞ ❝  i love you quite passionately, and with a touch of tragedy.  ❞ ❝  to feel anything deranges you. to be seen feeling anything strips you naked.  ❞ ❝  i love you --- like a storm bursts overhead --- i must confess it; all the more fiercely because you burn and bite.  ❞ ❝  and i have seen rivers, not unlike you, that failed to find their way back.  ❞ ❝  i am less a god now that you’ve touched me.  ❞ ❝  your words are gentle; but my blood runs cold to think what plots you may be nursing deep within your heart.  ❞ ❝  you said i killed you --- haunt me then.  ❞ ❝  your soul is frail and solemn, loyal and spring-like.  ❞ ❝  you look like you’ve eaten the sun, like you drank so much sunlight you’re drowning in it.  ❞ ❝  strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty.  ❞ ❝  you will hear thunder and remember me.  ❞ ❝  ever think it’s possible for us to be happy?  ❞ ❝  and i would wonder across all the deserts of this world, even after death, to search for you.  ❞ ❝  since we’re bound to be something, why not together?  ❞ ❝  i am ashes were once i was fire.  ❞ ❝  this mouth will destroy you the moment you mistake it for something soft, for something that is yours.  ❞ ❝  it’s no easy thing to bear, the weight of sweetness.  ❞ ❝  kill the light! i’d rather wallow in the dark.  ❞ ❝  i have thought of you often since the darkness.  ❞ ❝  with your presence the sun becomes irrelevant.  ❞ ❝  there is no god left in this skin. there’s just the ash. just the ash.  ❞ ❝  open your eyes, look more sharply, see me as i am.  ❞ ❝  what the hell is tragedy? i am.  ❞ ❝  i’ve got a lot of feeling for you. you’re kind.  ❞ ❝  how beautiful it is, how beautiful, that glow before the stars break.  ❞ ❝  so much to do today: kill memory, kill pain, turn heart into a stone, and yet prepare to live again.  ❞ ❝  i am myself. that is not enough.  ❞ ❝  i may be mad, god-seized, but i will stand outside my madness.  ❞ ❝  my power, which to me is still a curse ---  ❞ ❝  ocean sea with its caressing swell; it has so often cooled my heart.  ❞ ❝  do you bathe in perfume, and dry yourself in light?  ❞ ❝  i like you; your eyes are full of language.  ❞ ❝  let me tell you what i do know.    i am more than one thing and not all of those things are good.  ❞ ❝  you are the cause and the cure --- both.  ❞ ❝  i have kisses for the back of your neck.  ❞ ❝  your beautiful glance is unbearably cruel.  ❞ ❝  we might meet again, someday between dreams at dawn.  ❞ ❝  suffering is a terrible fire; it either purifies or destroys.  ❞ ❝  lately it hurts more to imagine you are a stranger rather than a destroyer.  ❞ ❝  and i say to myself: a moon will rise from my darkness.  ❞ ❝  since you walked out on me, i’m getting lovelier by the hour. i glow like a corpse in the dark.  ❞ ❝  i will not whine. i will obey and be forever still.  ❞ ❝  you move like the moon.  ❞ ❝  my eyes ache with the weight of unshed tears.  ❞ ❝  in your eyes, the fires of twilight.  ❞ ❝  do not haunt my soul; i have done well forgetting you.  ❞ ❝  i am no one. i cannot love. it’s in my blood.  ❞ ❝  you’re wearing your armor to protect your heart. who can blame you? it only makes sense in a world like this one.  ❞ ❝  you are not real. you are a dream of a dream.  ❞ ❝  there are so many things i’m not allowed to tell you.  ❞ ❝  i am indeed a shameless, evil-minded and abominable creature.  ❞ ❝  come this evening --- i am eager for stars.  ❞ ❝  i am on fire with that soft sound you make, in uttering my name.  ❞ ❝  i want you mostly in the morning when my soul is weak from dreaming.  ❞ ❝  to me you are the desert and the sea; everything secretive.  ❞ ❝  i thought i was wounded to the core but i was only bruised.  ❞ ❝  it is a dead heart. it is inside of me. it is a stranger.  ❞ ❝  i live --- but i’m mutilated.  ❞ ❝  if there is a light then i am going to swallow it.    if there is a god then i’m going to make him cry.  ❞ ❝  i am condemned to be a saint or a monster: unable to be the one, unwilling to be the other.  ❞ ❝  you will open your wounds and make them a garden.  ❞ ❝  i come home --- and i feel like a ghost returning its haunt.  ❞ ❝  i planted roses, but without you they were thorns.  ❞ ❝  everything inside me is in revolt.  ❞ ❝  how this darkness soaks me through and through.  ❞ ❝  give me my robe, put on my crown; i have immortal longings in me.  ❞ ❝  say something dangerous like i love you.  ❞ ❝  listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?  ❞ ❝  in times of crisis, we must decide again and again whom we love.  ❞ ❝  breathe the scent of little, earthly things. let the twilight touch you.  ❞ ❝  my heart is just like the ocean, has storm and calm and tides.  ❞ ❝  you became for me a sacred being, not to be touched save in adoring thoughts.  ❞ ❝  gods are stubborn. so am i.  ❞ ❝  is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?  ❞ ❝  there’s something soft in me. i killed it and it’s rotting.  ❞ ❝  beware. beware. there is a tenderness.  ❞ ❝  half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers. real gods require blood.  ❞ ❝  i’m alive. like a wound, a flower in the flesh, the path of aching blood is open within me.  ❞ ❝  you dangle on the leash of your own longing; your need grows teeth.  ❞ ❝  i have it in me...to scare myself with my own desert places.  ❞ ❝  my mouth still houses century-old magic.     in my ears i hear a ringing and singing and no god.  ❞ ❝  keep talking. i’ll keep walking toward the sound of your voice.  ❞ ❝  i’m full of poetry now. rot and poetry. rotten poetry.  ❞ ❝  this skin is sick with loneliness.  ❞ ❝  memories are sharp. they bite. i have spent most of my life trying to grow a thicker skin just to make sure i would not bleed out whenever i felt those teeth scrape up against me.  ❞ ❝  i wonder if i will ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most.  ❞ ❝  after fury, what do you do with the remains?  ❞ ❝  come on, dance with me. the earth is spinning. we can’t just stand on it.  ❞ ❝  let’s admit, without apology, what we do together.  ❞ ❝  try to find the right place for yourself. if you can’t find it, at least dream of it.  ❞ ❝  it takes grace to remain kind in cruel situations.  ❞ ❝  i am too full of life to be half-loved.  ❞ ❝  today you want nothing because wanting comes too close to feeling.  ❞ ❝  there’s nothing more terrible, more alluring, more mysterious than love.  ❞ ❝  heavenly wine and roses seem to whisper to me when you smile.  ❞ ❝  my soul is devoutly and wholly under your spell.  ❞ ❝  will you see the human in my being?  ❞ ❝  if i had a flower for every time i thought of you…i could walk through my garden forever.  ❞ ❝  part broken part whole, you begin again.  ❞ ❝  i don’t know if love’s a feeling. sometimes i think it’s a matter of seeing. seeing you.  ❞ ❝  i wonder which will get you killed faster, your loyalty or your stubbornness?  ❞ ❝  whether you come as a lover or an exeutioner, i am ready to receive you.  ❞ ❝  i think i understand your longing. it looks so much like mine.  ❞ ❝  i’ve had so many knives stuck into me. when they hand me a flower, i can’t quite make out what it is.  �� ❝  i like the sea: we understand one another. it is always yearning, sighing for something it cannot have; so am i.  ❞ ❝  do i not live? badly, i know, but i live.  ❞ ❝  something of you stuck with me. a splinter.  ❞ ❝  i clung to your hands so that something human might exist in the chaos.  ❞ ❝  sometimes i shut my eyes, and shut my heart towards you, and try hard to forget you because you grieve me so, but you’ll never go away. oh you never will.  ❞ ❝  my golden love, if only you knew, what precious honey you are for me.  ❞ ❝  i had an old wound once, but it is healing.  ❞ ❝  always this in-betweenness, this almost, this it might be that...  ❞ ❝  when i close my eyes, i see you. when i open my eyes i want to see you.  ❞ ❝  dark as it is --- you see, that little flickering, is the light of my soul.  ❞ ❝  am i a monster or is this what it means to be a person?  ❞ ❝  i am talking about evil. it blooms. it eats. it grins.  ❞ ❝  sapphires are those eyes of yours, ravishingly sweet.  ❞

[multific]

Wine

Dacre Montgomery x Reader

Summary: After spending months of crushing on Dacre, all you needed is a little courage to speak up, or alcohol. 

  His handsome face caused you more confusion than any math problem ever could.

The way he smiled made you feel fuzzy on the inside. And it was harder and harder to hide your feelings for him. You were sure some of your co stars noticed it by now.

You had a crush on him from the moment he walked on set and introduced himself as the actor who will be playing Billy.

And ever since, you were lost.

Lost in his eyes, in his smile and in his incredible physique. You forgot your lines whenever he was also in the scene with you, because you were so nervous. You felt like a teen again. A love-sick teen.

And in a way that helped you build your character for the series. Which was a bonus at least.

But now, you were lost, in a different meaning of the word. 

You were expected to go to a dinner with the cast, however on your way there you must have took the wrong turn, because you were now in a completely different side of town. And the best of it all? Your rental car decided to breakdown. You did manage to call a recovery and a taxi.

You were very late for the dinner. Because when you finally got there half of the group already left and the other half was drinking.

“I’m so sorry. My car broke down. I tried to call,  but someone didn’t pick up.” you said shooting a glance to Finn. Finn was the only one you had as a contact since you two were great friends. “I’m starving.” you said as a waiter handed you the menu.

“Good to see that you made it.” Dacre said beside you and this is when you noticed that you took a seat next to him. You offered him a smile before you ordered something for yourself.

“I took a wrong turn, because the GPS in the car was terrible, then after driving around for about fifteen minutes the car decided that it would break down.” you told him as the waiter left to get your order ready.

“Ah, I was starting to think that you wouldn’t come.”

“No, I wouldn’t miss it for anything. But now, I’m without a car, and hungry.”

“I can drive you back to your hotel. Shouldn’t be far from mine.”

“I actually have a rented apartment...” you say trying not to sound like a spoiled teen. “But I would appreciate it if you could drive me home, thank you, Dacre.”

“Of course.” he smiled.

That damn smile of his. Cute yet sexy at the same time. Innocent yet somehow kinky.

Maybe you were going mad.

You took a sip of your drink before you looked back to your right were he sat, he gave you a wink before he went back to his conversation.

You were definitely going mad.

***

Perhaps drinking multiple glasses of wine wasn’t the best choice. But it was so delicious. And who could have thought that you would end up tipsy when you even ate a lot?

You just hoped not to be a burden to Dacre and the others. Or you hoped you wouldn’t say something you shouldn’t.

Slowly everyone left, one by one, leaving you and Dacre behind. He was telling you stories, making you laugh. And you did the same.

“Maybe we should leave too. Tomorrow you have the day off, no? You will be able to sleep.”

“Hmm.” you said nodding your head as your hand unconsciously moved to the part where his shirt was open. Not as low as his character, Billy would have, but it still had his delicious skin show.

“What are you doing?” he asked with a laugh as he watched your hand move from his neck down until his open shirt let you.

“Your skin. I needed to know if it is as smooth as it looks.” You grabbed your glass, which was now filled with water.

“And? Is it?” your drunken mind was too focused on anything else to notice how his voice lowered and his eyes darkened. And he didn’t push you away. 

“It’s even better than I imagined.” you said as you looked around. “Where are the others?” you asked with a confused expression.

“They left. And we should too. I have a feeling you will have one hell of a headache tomorrow.”

“I never do. I can drink as much as I want, but no headaches.”

“Lucky you.” he said, laughing as he stood up from the chair. You did the same but you wobbled a little. He had to grab you so you wouldn’t fall.

You moved your nose closer to his neck and smelled his perfume.

“Tom Ford Black Orchid.” you said as you grabbed your purse.

“You know your cologne.”

“I used to work in a perfume store. I know most.” you said as you ran your hand through your hair and made your way out of the restaurant.

You quickly got into Dacre’s car as he started to drive.

You knew you were staring, you felt it. And if you did, so did he. He took a quick glance at you before turning back to the road.

“What?” he asked with a laugh.

“How can you be real? Handsome, funny, smart, talented, kind and your killer smile. Just not fair.” you were pouting, the fact that you practically confessed to Dacre completely went over your head.

“Well, thank you. I think you are also very nice and beautiful and talented.”

“You are just saying that because I complimented you.”

“No, I truly mean it.”

“Sure.” you said letting out a long yawn.

You watched as the buildings passed before you closed your eyes.

***

The next morning you woke up in your bed. You were confused as to how you got there in the first place, but not the weirdest place to wake up after a few drinks.

Thanks to the alcohol, you forgot most of what happened. You remembered being late, talking to Dacre, Natalie, Joe and Charlie. Then you remember eating and drinking, but nothing more.

You assumed the images in your head about talking to Dacre were just your imagination.

As you walked out of the bedroom into the living room, you noticed a few things were misplaced, but you blamed your drunk self. You sat on the couch and decided to order some burgers. You put your phone down on the small table and this is when you noticed another phone there. It was definitely not yours. You picked it up and as the lock screen flashed you saw an image of a beach.

Did you steal someone’s phone? OR was someone else in the apartment with you? As you turned around you saw Darce standing in the hallway, looking in the mirror, fixing his hair. Then you looked back to the table in front of you and back to Dacre who was now standing behind you.

“Morning! You sure sleep a lot it’s almost 11 am.” he said. But why was he there?

“Hi. Umm...sorry but why are you here?”

“Oh, right. So, I drove you home, but you fell asleep in the car, so I carried you in.”

“And you changed my clothes?”

“No, you did that, half asleep. And you said I could stay since it was late, so I did.” he said as he sat down beside you on the couch. “Look you said something yesterday.”

“Oh no. Did I make a fool of myself?” you asked, feeling embarrassment creep up in your stomach.

“No. You didn’t just...I was so afraid to ask you out. I thought you are going to reject me, but now I’m a bit more confident.” you didn’t know what he was referring to, him? Afraid of rejection from you? How? You could only stare at him as he ran his fingers up and down his chest with a smile. “Would you be open for a date with me?” he asked and just as you opened your mouth to answer, your doorbell rang.

“It’s my food. I’ll be quick.” you stood up and walked to the door. Hoping that on your way to the door and back, you would be able to make sense of what was happening. Did Dacre really just asked you on a date? And what did you say that encouraged him to finally open up.

You walked back into the kitchen.

“I ordered some burgers, would you like some?” you asked him and he accepted. “I’m not avoiding your question by the way.” you said as you handed him his plate and sat down once again. “I’m just confused, you thought I didn’t like you?”

“Yes. I didn’t want to make it awkward between us, so I just didn’t do anything about it.”

“Well, Dacre, I would love to go on a date with you.”

​“Cool.” he said smiling.

“That’s not fair! You smiling like that is. How would I ever be able to say no if I know that you will smile like that when you are happy.” Now he was laughing as you smiled yourself.

“Guess then I can do whatever I want, Babe.”

You shook your head before you turned the TV on to watch something while you ate.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Dacre looking at you.

You were extremely happy that your feeling were reciprocated. And also the fact that he asked you out on a date, you would never have imagined things to turn out that way.

Perhaps you should drink wine more often.

Taglist: imreadinggoaway fleursirvart  v-2bucky ehsebastian  crunch-time-sports pxstelrainbow ablogbypeteparker liamssmiler smexylemony greenarrowhead feelingsareharddd thisismysecrethappyplace sincerelyfan theoneanna aestheticsandmarvel rororo06 castellandiangelo avengers-r-us destynelseclipsacastellandiangelo  spilledinkindumpster celebsimagines capsiclesdoll firstangeldragonranch snoopy3000 firstangeldragonranch puknow crazzyter alwayshave-faith  soleil-dor  alex12948 scream-kiwi79

 ~Masterlist~

ˇAO3ˇ

My taglist is open!

Feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank You for reading my story!~

[thefanficmonster]

My Kind

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warning: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having been chosen by the gang to be a guest streamer on today’s stream of Among Us, it’s safe to say Y/N’s super excited but also a bit nervous. The whole of her anxiety gets lifted off her when she meets someone with the exact same vibe as hers - yeah you guessed it.

Requested by @monizzle96 Hi dear! Thank you so much for your wonderful request! I’m so terribly sorry it’s taken me so long to write and post it but here it finally is! I hope you come across it and read it and if so I hope you enjoy it! Love, Vy ❤

This has to be the fiftieth time I’ve checked my setup in the past twenty four hours. But no, I’m definitely not nervous, what are you talking about. Pshhh. Nah, being nervous isn’t in my brand. Plus, what do I have to make me nervous - a group of famous streamers inviting me onto their stream to play Among Us with them because they enjoyed my own streams? Ok yeah, that’s a pretty good reason. Not gonna lie, I almost chucked my phone out of excitement when I received that DM from Toast, telling me they’d picked me to be their guest streamer for today’s date. My stomach was doing somersaults for a good forty-eight hours following that text and then the anxiety slowly started setting in fueled by the expectations they probably have of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not inexperienced in the streaming field, I’ve been a streamer longer than some of the members of Toast’s streamer gang actually. But I never managed to garner that big of a following which I’m honestly quite ok with. I have a modest - ok, maybe larger than modest - following consisting of incredibly loyal fans which I will never stop being grateful for. They are all so respectable of me, my privacy and my boundaries. They know the main rules: no shit-talking in the chat or in any of my comment sections, no bashing other YouTubers in my comments/chat, and most definitely not asking for a face reveal. Fun fact: I didn’t even set up that last rule, they all just collectively know not to ask for it. 

I’ve been keeping my brand pretty low-key to avoid garnering some unwanted attention - some of which I’ve already experienced on certain social media platforms following the full body pictures I posted on there - face not visible of course. I tend to also have my webcam on, facing towards my hands working away on the keyboard sometimes when I stream. I don’t know why people obsess over faceless content creators’ hands, but I appreciate the enthusiasm - it also drives me to do a manicure every now and then which ain’t so bad, self-care and all that you know.

Now, back to the subject of my ridiculous nervousness.

You see, it has layers.

I’m nervous of ‘preforming’ underwhelmingly and I’m nervous of what my own fans will think of the person I will become during this stream. They know me as a super chill and laid-back person, which I am by the way, but they might think I’m putting on a show if I exhibit any nervous gestures/vocabulary. I highly doubt they would, but the possibility is not letting my mind rest. And now that it’s about ten minutes till the stream starts, I’m getting doing my best to calm my nerves.

They are all just people. You know they are super chill too. Just be yourself, that’s why they invited you, because you are yourself on all your streams. They liked you for your personality, humor, maybe even your gaming skills. So chill the hell out and be yourself, damn it!

Easier thought than put into action that’s for sure.

I start my stream five minutes early just so I can vibe with my viewers for a little while before I have to meet the gang. My fans always have a way of injecting me with confidence, they remind me of where I was when I started and how far I’ve come. How much I achieved when I thought I’d be nothing and no one, someone the algorithm would simply overlook. But then they entered my life and I entered theirs and it all became much better than I ever thought it would get to be. I rarely tell myself ‘good job’ for the milestones I’ve reached or the hard work I’ve put into my content, but that’s probably cause I orient myself based on that quote from the movie Whiplash: ‘There are no two words in the English language more harmful than good job’ - simply put, I’m never satisfied with what I do and I always strive to do better. My fans, however, make sure I don’t go overboard with it - always serving as a reminder that I’ve done plenty for myself and others. And that’s what makes an amazing fandom, one I consider family.

Whoa, when did those five minutes fly by?!

Ah shit, here we go. Deep breaths, Y/N you got this.

“Hello!“ I say as I enter the Discord call, subconsciously biting my lower lip, grateful the camera isn’t capturing it. However, I make a mental note to keep my hands steady cause that’s the one part of me people can actually see and the last thing I want is for them to see how much my fingers are trembling.

“Oh hi, Y/N!“ Toast is the first one to greet me, “Welcome to the stream! Thank you so much for accepting our invitation.“

“Thank you for having me and inviting me, Toast. This is a huge deal for me. You guys are basically YouTube legends, this is unreal to me.“ I reply, cringing immediately afterwards because of my fangirl rambling. Great way to make first impressions, Y/N. Bravo.

To be fair, they already have an impression of you. Quit stressing.

Aright, you’ve got a point, me.

“Oh please, we owe all that to our fans. We’re really nothing special. All streamers are almost completely alike, we all owe where we are to the people who helped us make it there - our fans. We’re no legends.“ Toast says, bringing a small smile to my face as well as a light pink blush to my cheeks, “And from what I’ve seen, you yourself have quite the following. And your fans seem to adore you.“

“And I absolutely adore them.“ I chuckle, “They mean the world to me. They are the reason I’m here today.”

“Then we have to give them a special thank you, don’t you think?“ The teasing, familiar giggle, widens my smile - it’s Rae, “Nice to meet you, Y/N! I’m Rae, and, no cap, I’m quite a fan of your content. No joke, I binged your entire series of Resident Evil 7 as soon as I found your channel when Toast said he’d invite you.“

This rattles me a bit. I can hardly believe it - am I really receiving a compliment from an A-list name in the streaming world? My fans must be hella proud of me right now. A quick glance at my chat confirms that they indeed are. That in and of itself fills me with joy and newfound confidence.

“Oh Gosh, thank you so much Rae! That means the world to me. You’re all so sweet.“ I reply, lifting my ice cold hands to cool down my burning cheeks, my lips spread into a grin, my stomach filled with butterflies.

“Oh please, we have some real savages around here.“ A male voice, seemingly Charlie’s scoffs, “Don’t overlook us please.“

“Wait, we do?“ A deep voice, one I immediately know the owner of speaks up, “Who? How come I don’t know about that?“

I can’t help bust snort, “Nice to meet you, Corpse. Sarcasm central, I see.”

He laughs, “Just returning it to where it’s due. Nice to meet you too, Y/N. Sick Outlast series, by the way.“

Ok, wait, I have two A-list streamers complimenting my content. Ok, I’m bound to crack open a few beers to celebrate later cause OH MY GOD.

“Thanks! I’m a horror junkie so I’d be lying if I said I haven’t binge watched all your story-times. Personal favorites are the deep web ones, they fascinate me.“

“Oh, you’re one of my kind even more than I expected, huh?“ He replies, the tone of his voice changing, raising a bit due to what I can only describe as excitement and enthusiasm. “I’ve had people tell me it’s twisted, but I really like seeing the lengths to which the fucked up human mind can go to. Like, the shit I’ve read is insane! Some stories I didn’t narrate cause I would’ve probably had my video taken down, it was that messed up.“

My eyes widen, sharing the same excitement at the thought of digging deeper into this phenomenon, “Careful, Corpse, you’re walking a dangerous line of tempting me to deep-dive on Reddit in search of those exact stories.”

“No need.“ Corpse says, his tone now taking up a bit of a cocky note, “I still got them all saved, I can send them to you no problem.“

“Please do! I seriously gotta read them now. If I can’t sleep afterwards, I’m blaming you, Corpse. Just FYI.“ I say, giggling slightly, finding myself all but completely comfortable now. I wonder where all that anxiety went? 

“Blame fully taken. Given that I’m not much of a sleeper, I’ll keep you company whenever you think there’s a killer hiding in your closet or fear a red room pop-up will appear on your computer screen.“ He replies, chuckling.

“Um, that’s oddly specific.“ Charlie comments, “Been there yourself, buddy?”

“Perhaps.“ Corpse wheezes, getting a laugh out of me too, “I will neither confirm nor deny.“

“You know what, I’ll just private message you my number so if you see it call you at some ungodly hour, you don’t freak the fuck out. Sounds good?“ I ask, already prepping to type it out and send it to him. 

“Perfect. Wait...“ he pauses for a second, sounding puzzled for a second, “You don’t have mine.“

“Oh, do I not?“ I reply with a sinister tone - thought to answer the question, I of course don’t have his number.

“Oh, do you?“ He sasses me right back. “If so then you don’t need me to send it to you. Cool.“

Ah, shit

“Wait, no! I-I need to confirm it’s the correct one!“

Damn, never did I think I’d be complimented by some of the most important streamers on this platform, but to get a number of theirs too? That’s a whole another level that will take me time to process. But I’ll do that another time, right now, I have to kick these people’s butts in Among Us and later I have some deep web stories to read.

Turns out, all it takes to get comfortable in a new surrounding is someone of your kind. And Corpse is definitely one of my kind.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse

[shyficwriter]

Sick

Guardians of the Galaxy fanfic | Reader x Guardians (With Yondu & Kraglin)

Summary: You are quite sick, and unfortunately for everyone else, you won't stay in bed. Might have something to do with being delirious with fever, or maybe you're just a terrible patient. Who's to say?

Authors note: Content warning for hallucinated gore (I think? maybe horror is a better description? Let me know), and mentions of blood, and of course mentions of all the nastiness that comes with a stomach sickness (Don't worry, I kept it clean, didn't want to gross myself out lol) The characters are safe, story has a happy ending.

Word Count: 7,120

Damn, you felt like shit.

It was the first morning in forever where you could remember not actually wanting to get out of bed. Everything was sore, and damn it was just so cold. Why was it cold? Peter usually kept the ship decently warm?

You sighed and rolled out of bed, pausing momentarily when the room began to spin and your stomach tightened in nausea. Damn. That mission the other day must have taken more out of you than you thought. You didn't think you'd still be this sore and tired two days later. This was worse than yesterday, and you weren't exactly expecting the nausea, but at least it had passed.

Oh well. Nothing you can really do about it. Besides, you had more pressing matters, like figuring out why it was so damn cold. You were shaking and had to fight your teeth from chattering. Better put on a sweater.

After washing up and getting ready you headed out of your room to ask Peter why it was so cold, maybe check on the boiler yourself if he hadn't. You found him with Gamora and Kraglin on the flight deck discussing the best course to Berhert, where you guys were planning to dock for a few days and maybe chase down a few leads for new jobs.

"Why is it so freaking cold in here?" you ask. "Did the boiler break down or something?"

They turned to look at you and it was then you realized they were in their regular clothes, not even wearing jackets to keep them warm. Peter was even wearing short sleeves. "I feel fine?" he said, looking to Gamora. "Are you cold?"

She shook her head, adding that if anything, she thought Peter kept it a little too warm on the ship.

You raised an eyebrow, wondering how they could possibly be warm when you were freezing. You shook your head gently. "Guess it's just me then," you grumble.

"You ok? Ya look a little pale there?" Kraglin asked after noticing you were at least a shade or two lighter than normal and how the skin around your eyes wasn't normally that dark.

"I'm fine, Kraglin," you say, trying not to sound like too much of an asshole despite being cranky that you were so cold and achy.

Peter looked at you suspiciously a moment before saying, "Hey, come here a sec."

"Why?" you ask, just as suspiciously.

"Just come here."

You roll your eyes as you approach. "Fine." Once you stopped a few feet from him you asked, "What?"

He raised his hand out toward your forehead, and in your surprise you leaned away quick, instantly regretting it as the room began to spin again.

You gathered yourself somewhat quickly and noticed his hand coming back. You smacked it away. "What are you doing??" you asked through squinty eyes.

"I'm trying to feel your temperature, dummy. Quit moving!" he responded, irritated when you dodged him once again.

"What am I? A child? I don't need you to feel my temperature, mom." you sassed, taking a few steps backward out of the way. "I'm fine." you say irritably.

"Well you like shit."

You almost laughed in surprise at his bluntness as you leaned back with a mildly offended expression. "Well fuck you too, dickweed. You aren't exactly a looker yourself." You didn't really think he was ugly, you were just being mean, but it made Kraglin laugh anyway.

Peter shot him a look before turning back to you and saying, "I didn't mean it like that. I just think you should probably go back to bed if you aren't feeling well."

"First off, I have shit to do, I'm not going back to bed. Secondly, I never said I wasn't feeling well, I just said I was cold," you say bitterly, hugging your arms close to your chest as another chill hit you.

"Then why are you sweating?" Peter asked.

You looked at him a moment, confused, before bringing your own hand up to your forehead. Sure enough, you were starting to sweat a little around your hairline. You wiped your hand on your sweater as you gave him a bitter look before turning and walking away.

"Go back to bed!" Peter called after you.

You flipped him the bird, not turning around as you continued out of the room. "You don't tell me what to do. You ain't my mother."

Peter narrowed his eyes as you walked away. "Yeah... well... Good!"

Gamora rolled her eyes at both yours and Peter's immaturity and returned the conversation to the navigation.

***

You made you way down to the kitchen, thinking maybe you'd make some toast. Your stomach felt a bit crampy now, and you thought toast might be light enough to soothe it before you got started on your chores. Maybe some milk. Milk was nice and gentle, right?

Rocket and Groot were already in the kitchen eating some cereal when you got there. You nodded toward them in greeting as you put down some bread in the toaster. You pulled down a glass and went to open the fridge to pour yourself some milk while you waited when Rocket spoke up.

"Oh hey, we're out of milk, if that's what you're after."

You sighed. "Juice will have to do then," you say, grabbing the bottle and pouring yourself a glass of the light green liquid. You leaned against the counter and sipped at it as Rocket made conversation.

"You said you're going to blow out the dryer line today, right?"

"Yeah."

"About how long are you gonna be? I need to wash a load and I was hoping to get it started before I got to work fixing Groot's game-thing so it might be done by the time I finished."

"Shouldn't be too long. Should only take abo-"

Just then the toaster popped, making you jump a mile, and Rocket and Groot laugh at your reaction.

"Oh man, I don't get why you Terrans are so scared of that! Haha!"

You only glare at him before removing your toast and turning your attention to buttering it rather than engage about how you were definitely not scared of a toaster like you would have any other time. You just didn't feel like it today.

"I am Groot?"

"Yeah, you ok? Normally you yell back when I tease you about the toaster. You sick or something?"

You were finished buttering your toast so you turned to give him an unimpressed look. "What? If I don't yell at you, you think I must be sick?"

Rocket shrugged, "I mean, yeah?" He collected his and Groot's now empty bowls and hopped over to put them in the sink. "You've always yelled something back, what else I'm I supposed to think?" He turned back towards you and looked you over. "And are you supposed to look that... dead?"

You narrowed your eyes. "You supposed to be that bald?"

"What? I'm literally covered in fur." Rocket said, looking at you like he thought you were stupid.

"You won't be if I shave you, you little shit."

"I am Groot."

"I'm not sure if cranky's the word I'd use right now, buddy." Rocket said, throwing you a sideways glance. "Come on, let's go see if Drax wants to play cards or something." With that the pair left the room, leaving you alone to nibble at your toast and sip at your juice in peace.

It didn't exactly help the cramping in your stomach though, you realized as you placed your glass in the sink. You took a deep breath as another chill hit you and you rested over the sink a bit to get your bearings, taking a few more deep breaths hoping it would ease the cramping in your stomach.

Once you felt steady enough you left the kitchen, intent to get started on today's tasks, first being the dryer line, then changing the various air filters about the ship. You'd probably also get around to checking all the smoke detectors before lunch, but for now you just needed to get down to the laundry room to get started.

God, it was so cold.

You made your way down the hall from the kitchen and turned off towards the laundry room when you were startled by Yondu. He had been coming up the other hallway in the direction you were now headed and decided to greet you with a clap on the back and a loud, "Hey, squirt! What'cha doing?"

He always called you squirt, pipsqueak, munchkin, just because he knew it annoyed you to be called childish nicknames. To be fair, he did still call Peter, a fully grown man, 'boy,' as well as also sometimes calling him 'squirt,' and Gamora 'girl,' so at least you knew it wasn't personal.

The startle, as well as the impact of his hand meeting your shoulder sent you forward. You grabbed hold of the wall and tried to steady yourself as the hall spun around you.

"Whoa, ya alright there?" Yondu asked, not expecting to have thrown you so off balance.

You look up at him weakly and nod, breathing deeply through your nose as you held a hand to your stomach, still bent over slightly from where you had caught yourself. You thought you were going to be sick, but you were doing your damnedest to keep it together. "Yeah." you swallowed, trying to fight the slight tremors beginning to shake you. "Yeah, I'm good."

"Ya don't look it. I think you need to take your ass back to bed."

You glare at him. "I'm fine. I just need a sec." As if your body were trying to betray you, another chill shot through your spine, making you shake as a strong cramp made you fold into yourself with a, "Ow, fuck!"

Shit. You knew what was coming and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You quickly turned away from Yondu and vomited on the floor with such force that it felt like something had ripped your stomach open and you fought not to whimper at the pain. You heard him make a disgusted noise, and you didn't blame him.

Teeth chattering and dizzy, you looked at the mess and said, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up." Your vision swam as you shook, one hand gripping at the wall, the other still wrapped about your middle.

Before Yondu could think to respond you had dropped to your knees, thankfully missing the puddle of sick on the floor, and vomited again.

You couldn't stop shaking, and resigned into leaning into the wall, eyes closed as you turned your forehead to rest against the cold metal. Your breath came in shudders as you heard Yondu cry out, "Shit! Quill!" He sounded urgent, but you didn't have time to think about that, you were too busy shaking and trying not to vomit again.

You thought you heard Rocket's voice from up the hall say, "See! I knew you were sick!" and you briefly opened your eyes to look up and make out the little blurry figure approaching before closing them again, weakly throwing him the bird as you focused on keeping it together, both arms now clutching your stomach as you grimaced in pain. It would be over soon. You just needed to gather yourself so you could clean up the mess you made and then you could get on with your day. God your stomach hurt...

You heard Yondu call out for Peter a second time, more urgently than the first and adding, "Kraglin! Somebody! Get down here!" when you lost your battle against your stomach and vomited for a third time. This time Rocket's cries for Peter joined him. You wondered why they were freaking out and calling for Peter when you felt Yondu grab your shoulders to stop you from falling forwards, causing your eyes to pop open allowing you to see your puddle of sick was now red, though you couldn't remember eating anything red... Was the juice you drank red? No, it was green... "Well that's not ideal..." you slurred out, realizing that it probably definitely shouldn't be red, but couldn't quite get a grasp on exactly why you knew it shouldn't be.

The last thing you heard was the sounds of boots thundering down the hallway, getting closer as they mingled with the noises of Yondu and Rocket's shouting before everything went dark.

***

You woke up in your bed laying on top of your sheets. You still didn't feel great, your stomach still felt crampy and also now burned a bit, but it was better than the sharp pain of before and at least you didn't really feel nauseous anymore.

It was still really cold though. You sat up and your head swam. You looked down to see you were still in your sweater and contemplated putting another one on before deciding against it. You were going to be up moving around doing your chores in a second, you'd likely warm up then.

You gingerly pulled yourself out of bed, thinking you might go get some water first, when you looked over at your nightstand for the time and found that someone had already left you a glass. How kind. You sipped at the water and silently grumbled when you realized you had been asleep for nearly two hours.

Wait... why were you in bed again? You sort of remembered getting sick. Peter probably made you lay down a bit. He was a mother hen like that.

No matter, you were up now. Time to get to work.

You left your room and had made it about 20 feet before Gamora spotted you and ordered you back to bed. You made out her two stern faces staring at you... wait two? You thought she only had one of those?

"Why?" you ask, wondering if Peter's mother-hening had rubbed off on her. Way you saw it, you only threw up, it wasn't the end of the world.

"Because you're sick, that's why!" Gamora replied, sounding exasperated.

"I'm fine." you assured, making a face a her. "You worry too much, chicken. The sky's still there." Hmm... you might have gotten that phrase wrong, or did you? You couldn't quite remember. Oh well.

"Bed. Now." she ordered. You blinked and suddenly she once again only had one face. One very cross looking face. Oh well. You still knew better than to argue with her, regardless of how many faces she chose to wear today, so begrudgingly you turned around and went back to your room with a dramatic sigh.

When enough time passed that you were certain she'd be gone, you attempted your escape again. This time you got about halfway to the laundry when you spotted little Groot in the hallway. He looked at you contemplatively and said, "I am Groot?" which you took to mean he was probably asking if you were supposed to be up and out of bed. Leave it to Peter to tell the whole damn ship.

You gave the little guy your best smile and made a shushing gesture with your finger to your lips. "Our secret, right buddy?"

He smiled and ran off.

Taking that as an agreement to silence you went on your way only to not make it much further before hearing someone tell you to "Stop right there!" You turned to find Gamora and Peter looking very disapproving while Rocket stood there looking smug with little Groot sat on his shoulder. Knowing you were defeated, your shoulders fell as you said, "I know, I know. 'Back to bed.'" As you made your way past them you looked down at the little twig and muttered, "Traitor." only to be met with him sticking his little tongue out at you playfully.

Your third attempt was much the same, only this time it was Mantis who caught you and she wasn't quiet about it at all when she went running off yelling to Yondu that you were out of bed again, much to your chagrin as it prompted him to come out of a nearby room. He didn't even have to say anything. He just stared you down, and you held up your hands in defeat and said "Ok! Ok! I'm going!" before scurrying the best you could back to your room.

You didn't even get out of your room on your fourth attempt, having opened the door to find Drax had been walking by at just that moment. He stopped and narrowed his eyes at you with arms crossed, daring you to try it. You looked at him awkwardly a moment before sighing and just closing the door. Maybe you'd take a nap and wait them out. You were a little sleepy...

On your fifth attempt you got nearly to the doors of the laundry when you heard someone shout, "Where do you think you're going?! Get back to bed!"

You turned around irritably to see it was Peter and Kraglin now, looking fairly cross. Seriously!? Why can't they just let you be!

You crossed your arms. "I have to blow out the dryer line, asshat. Where are you going?" you sassed.

Kraglin leaned to Peter and muttered something you couldn't quite make out. Something about the flight hangar? Oh well, probably wasn't important.

Peter looked at you like you were a misbehaving child. "I'm going to take you back to bed, that where I'm going."

You rolled your eyes and waved him off this time, turning your back on him to continue on your quest.

"Hey!" he scolded, effortlessly catching up with you and grabbing your arm to stop you. "I'm not kidding, you need to go back to bed." He put a hand to your forehead, this time succeeding since he had you by the arm and you couldn't get away. "You're burning up. Come on, back to bed." he repeated.

"Screw off." you say weakly, the sudden motion of being grabbed making you dizzy.

"See this is what I mean. You need to rest." Peter's tone was slightly more gentle now, but it didn't make you any less cranky. "Do you really think you're gonna puke blood and then just be allowed to walk about like everything's fine? You're crazy. You need to stay in bed until a doctor can see you!"

Huh. So that hadn't been a dream... Maybe it was the fever talking, but you didn't really care too much. You didn't want or need to see a doctor. You tried to reason with him.

"If I don't blow the lint out of the line it could catch fire. You want that, Star-Brat?" Ok, so you were still a bit cranky, probably could have said that nicer. Oh well. You tried to pry his hand away but failed, sighing in frustration.

"Already did it." Kraglin lied, throwing a hinting look to Peter.

Taking the cue Peter nodded. "Uh- Yeah, he got it done while you were sleeping.'"

"See?" Kraglin said, "Now you got nothing to worry about and you can just get some rest."

You jerked your arm and this time succeeded in freeing yourself, but not without feeling faint. "Nice try." you say, stumbling back a little. "There's still other stuff I needed to get done."

Peter grabbed your arm again, afraid you might fall backward if he didn't, and this time wasted no time marching you in the direction of your room. "And it can all wait until tomorrow. Right now you rest. This is the last time we're gonna tell you."

You looked at him confused. Last time? Had there been others? Oh right... you thought remembered him and Gamora yelling at you once before... oh and Yondu... you had forgotten Yondu. Bunch of mother hens...

Too weak to free yourself again you settled for complaining that you were fine, and for Peter to just let you go about your business. It all went on deaf ears.

On the way back to your room the three of you passed by Yondu, who laughed and said, "Told ya the squirt would try and escape again, didn't I? Just as stubborn as the two of you boys."

Peter chuckled, looking to the blue man and saying, "Remember that time we had to literally tie Kraglin to the bed when he caught the Kree flu and wouldn't stay in the Med Bay?"

Kraglin rolled his eyes and Yondu laughed, looking at you. "Now there's an idea!"

You shot him a look. "If you tie me down I swear I'll gut all of you," you say crankily.

"Stay in bed then and we won't have a problem," Yondu grinned, adding, "Don't make us have to knock you out."

You glared at him again but finally allowed Peter to lead you back to your room with minimal grumbling.

Once in your room he threw back your covers and ordered you to get into bed or else he and Kraglin would tie you to it. Afraid they might actually follow through with the threat, you obeyed, grumbling about how they were treating you like a child.

"Quit acting like one and we won't have to," Kraglin quipped, pointing to the water glass on your table and stating how you needed to keep your fluids up and that it better be gone by the time one of them came back to check on you.

You just turned on your side away from them and grumbled out a sleepy, "Yeah, yeah. Leave me alone."

Satisfied that you'd finally stay put the two men left the room. Once Peter closed the door behind them Kraglin said, "I guess I better actually go clean that dryer line now, huh?"

Peter chuckled. "Yeah, maybe."

***

Peter met up with Gamora on the flight deck. "How soon until the Doc can get here?"

As soon as he, Gamora, and Kraglin had all ran down from the flight deck to see what Yondu and Rocket were yelling about and found you passed out in Yondu's arms in front of a puddle of your own all-too-bloody sick they immediately sent Kraglin back up to call one of Berhert's doctors to try and get one to meet them at the ship, knowing they were still about three days out from even thinking about landing.

"Still about a day out," Gamora answered.

"I'm getting nervous," Peter admitted since it was just he and Gamora alone now. He told her how you were you were practically burning to the touch when he was dragging you back to your room for the final time, and even though you put on a good act with the banter, you couldn't hide from him the fact that you couldn't stop shivering or the way you looked like death warmed over.

He also told her what Kraglin had said, how they thought the fever was getting to you. When they found you last you were making your way towards the flight hangar, but you thought you were headed towards the laundry. They were on opposite ends of the ship.

Gamora validated his concerns, taking his hand to comfort him before saying, "Don't worry, the doctor will get here in time."

Peter sighed and nodded.

If- No. When you got better, Peter was going to kick your ass for making him worry.

***

You woke up again a few hours later feeling thirsty and achy. You looked over to see you still had about a sip of water left and drank it. Placing the glass back on the nightstand you stared at the ceiling for a moment before realizing you also needed to pee. Ugh. Inconvenient. If you couldn't work or do anything else you'd at least rather be sleeping. Actually, now that you thought about it, right now you didn't even want to work anymore. You just wanted sleep.

You knew surely you wouldn't get yelled at for being out of bed for getting up to use the toilet, so you sat up with the intent to roll out of bed and walk across the hall to do your business. Maybe you'd get some more water on the way as well.

No sooner had you sat up did you see it in the corner. Your stomach flipped and you rubbed your eyes, but it was still there. With horror in your eyes and your urge to use the toilet completely forgotten, you stared at the horrifying sight, unable to make a sound.

In the corner of the room was a humanoid figure, looking like it had been skinned alive. It was eyeless, only dark oozing holes remained where its eyes should have been, same with its nose. It was twitching grotesquely, blood and yellow ooze sloughing off its body as it did so, puddling about the floor at its feet. It tilted its head at you with a wicked toothy grin of sharp yellow teeth.

You pressed yourself against the headboard, shaking like mad, only a tiny squeak able to leave your throat. Sweat tickled down your forehead but you didn't dare move to wipe it away.

You sat like this for what felt like an eternity but was likely only a few moments before you heard the door to your room open and heard Yondu's voice.

"Me and Rat just came to make sure ya didn't run away again." He chuckled, before noticing the state of you and his tone changed. "What's the matter?"

You didn't look at him, didn't say anything, not wanting to take your eyes off the monster or do anything that might spur it into motion, and pointed a trembling hand at it.

Yondu looked where you were pointing. There was nothing there.

He looked down at a confused Rocket and just muttered, "Shit," realizing that you were likely hallucinating from the fever. He spoke to you softly, easing himself into the room so as to not make any sudden movements, "Listen here now, there's nothing there. It's alright."

You swallowed hearing his words. There was nothing there. There was nothing there. It couldn't hurt you. It couldn't-

It took a step towards you.

"Please," you managed to get out, jerking back into the headboard, trembling. You silently begged that you would fall asleep, or wake up, anything to make the nightmare before you go away.

Yondu's eyes widened and he held up his hands as he took another gentle step toward you despite how you still hadn't looked his way. "It's alright, you're ok, whatever it is- it's not real."

"Please," you say again, pleadingly, "Please knock me out."

Yondu looked at you in confusion. "What?"

"Please... Please. Knock me out. Sedate me- I don't care." You begged. You believed his voice when it said the creature wasn't real, or at very least you wanted to believe it very badly. However, believing it wasn't real didn't change the fact that you could still see it. Tears started to leak from your eyes. "Please make it stop."

Seeing you beg like that tore at something in Yondu's heart. You guys all did scary shit all the time. Came with the job of being part of the "Guardians of the Galaxy." Everyone had seen each other scared at some point, but this was different.

He spoke softly. "Ok, ok." He looked at Rocket for assistance. When he had threatened to knock you out earlier it had only been a joke. Other than sucker-punching you, which he had no intention of doing, he didn't actually have anything he could give you that would knock you out.

Rocket spoke up, uncharacteristically softly, trying to be helpful. "Look, it's ok, we're here, you're safe." He made to jump up on the bed before Yondu could stop him.

A reddish oozing blob similar to the creature in the corner but with reddish eyes jumped up by your feet and you screamed.

Yondu's scolding cry to Rocket of "Dammit, boy! No!" was drowned out by your cry as you kicked and sent the horrible thing flying to the end of your bed. It just managed to keep from falling to the floor by sinking its claws into the blanket, and it stood back up with a shake. You shrieked as you threw your empty water glass right at the creatures head only for it to catch it and toss it aside on the bed.

Then you felt strong hands grab your wrists. You heard Yondu's voice calling your name, saying it was alright, that everything was ok, but it wasn't Yondu. It was the creature from the corner.

"I don't think that's helping!" Rocket said, hopping off the bed to narrowly avoid being kicked again.

"Well jumpin' up on the bed wasn't yer brightest idea either, boy!" Yondu scolded back. You were sliding down the headboard, trying to get away from him, so he switched tactics. He traded gripping your wrists in favor of wrapping his arms around you, effectively pining your arms with your wrists against your chest in a hug so he could rock you gently saying, "Shh, it's alright, you're safe. It's alright. Shh."

Tears ran down your face as the creature wrapped itself around you. You turned your face away, kicking and struggling to break free as you cried softly, "No no no! Please no!"

Yondu continued to rock you, hoping you'd snap out of it. After a couple more shushes and assurances that you were safe, that weren't quite working, he threw a sideways glance at Rocket. "This doesn't leave this room, got it?"

Rocket cheekily replied, "Me? Tell everyone you're a giant softie? Never!"

Yondu glared at him and was about to say something snarky in return when he heard Mantis from the doorway.

She peeked in nervously. "Is everything ok? I was walking by and I heard screaming."

Rocket got an idea. Drax had told him how Mantis had put Ego, an entire living planet, to sleep. Surely a mere Terran should be no problem. "Mantis come here, we need your help."

Mantis quickly but shyly entered your room. Seeing the state of you in Yondu's arms she worriedly asked the pair if you were ok.

"Not exactly." Rocket answered honestly, telling Mantis how the fever put you in a bad way, and they now needed her help to put you to sleep so you'd feel better.

"Think you can do that for us, Bug?" Yondu asked, still holding you tightly as you cried and struggled to get away, his eyes nearly pleading.

Mantis nodded.

You felt the creature's arms wrap tighter and you kicked fruitlessly. You had kept your eyes shut tightly, but upon feeling that you almost had an arm free you allowed them to open.

You regretted it.

There was now also a shorter monster, just like the one from the corner that had you now in its clutches. Dark horns protruded from its forehead and it opened its glistening maw as it reached a bloodied, oozing hand toward your face.

You threw back your head in a weak, terrified, cry of anguish, struggling against the hold of the other monster as you kicked and sobbed a desperate, "Please no! Don't!" before once again darkness enveloped you.

Your struggling ceased and Yondu laid you down to rest on your pillow, brushing some sweaty hair back from your eyes before standing up.

"Jeez," Rocket said, shaking his head and wondering aloud what you had seen that made you do "that."

Yondu looked down to see that Rocket wasn't just referencing your terrified crying and thrashing. He made a face of pity before sighing and looking up at Mantis. "Sweetheart, I need ya to go fetch Gamora for me, alright? If ya can't find her get Drax. I'm gonna go find some more sheets."

***

When Mantis came and told Gamora what had happened she immediately had Peter call the doctor they sent for to ask him what to do. You were clearly worsening and Peter was worried the doctor wouldn't get there in time.

Once on the line and after finding your temperature was over 40°C, and learning about the hallucinations, the doctor instructed that you needed to be cooled down immediately, and suggested they place you in a cold bath or shower. After that, they needed to keep your fluids up and monitor your fever.

Until the doctor would get there in about 18 hours, there was unfortunately not much else he could tell them to do.

So they waited.

***

The next time you fully came-to was nearly two days later.

You woke up in your bed feeling tired but better than before. Your stomach was still slightly achy, but the terrible cramping was gone. You also didn't feel as cold and stiff as you previously had.

You sat up, this time without the room performing cartwheels as you did so, and you took that as a good sign.

The room was dimly lit, but you still noticed you were wearing different clothes. You also felt... cleaner than you'd expect, for lack of better word. You realized the implications were that one of the others had likely bathed and re-dressed you and you resolved not to think too much about it as you felt a blush start to creep up your neck.

A loud snore startled you and you looked over to see Drax asleep in a chair between the wall and your bed, an open magazine spread across his stomach where he must have fallen asleep reading it.

You quietly swung your feet over the bed, intent on stretching your legs a bit, but you were startled again when your feet touched down on the floor and a loud tinkling of bells set off, startling Drax awake in turn.

After a grunt and a rub of his eyes he looked at you disapprovingly, asking what you were doing.

"I was just going to walk around a bit," you answer, doing your best not to be snarky. "Why the hell are there bells trip-wired to my bed?"

"You're supposed to stay in bed. You kept trying to get up and falling. It was Rocket's idea so we'd hear you trying to escape."

It was your turn to make a disapproving face, but you supposed you couldn't exactly be mad at them for caring, even if it seemed unnecessary. "Well, why are you here?"

"We've been taking shifts to watch over you, Peter said we were waiting for your fever to break, but I told him waiting for your temperature to return to normal would be sufficient."

"Oh," is all you could say, brushing off his absurd literalness. "Um, thank you." you add quietly. You hadn't realized.

"Yes. Now will you go back to bed, or do you need help going to the toilet again?"

You blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Well, each time you were almost awake enough to think you could walk the past couple days it was because you needed to use the toilet or you were going to vomit. I just assumed you were doing it again. You're very stubborn."

"No, Drax." you say, blushing fully now. You weren't sure if you were embarrassed more by his bluntness or the new knowledge that the others had to help you pee and clean up your sick. You didn't even want to think about if they had to wipe your ass. You'd literally die. "Even if I did, I can do it by myself. I feel much better now." It wasn't until then that it hit you what he had said. "Wait- Did you say two days?"

"I did."

"I've been out... for two days?"

"Yes."

"So... this whole time? ...You guys have been looking out for me?"

"Yes." Drax answered, seeming confused why you'd even ask. "Us and the doctor that came by yesterday." He raised an eyebrow. "Why are you crying?"

You wiped at your eyes quickly, having wished he hadn't noticed the tears that sprang to your eyes and filled your waterline. "I'm not," you sniff, looking down a the bed. "Just... Thanks. You didn't need to do that, so thanks. You can go to bed now. I feel better now. Sorry."

Drax stood. "Why are you apologizing? That's what family is supposed to do." He picked up a thermometer that had been placed on your nightstand and aimed it at your forehead. "And we did need to. You are small and weak like Peter. You would have died if we hadn't." The thermometer beeped and Drax read it. "You're right, your temperature is almost back to normal. But I suggest you still go back to sleep."

You wanted to tell him he was being dramatic about the dying part, but then you remembered that you actually didn't really remember much past seeing your bloody vomit, and you had absolutely no memory of any doctor, so you didn't push it.

"If your fever is gone you no longer need to be watched. I'll let the others know. Goodnight." Drax said, walking around the bed towards the door.

"Uh, Drax?"

He turned to you. "Yes?"

You wrapped your arms around his middle. "Thanks again."

He returned the hug, patting you on the back as he said, "You don't need to thank me. I know you'd do the same in return. Now sleep."

You pulled back from the hug and nodded, a gesture that you'd be good and go to sleep.

Drax seemed to want the confirmation of you getting back under the covers though, so with a light laugh huffed through your nose you crawled back between the sheets and obeyed. Seemingly satisfied, Drax finally left.

***

You woke the next morning feeling almost completely like yourself again.

You washed up and dressed, but not before removing the trip-wire bells from your bed, and then you made your way out of your room to get a glass of water and see if you could find the others.

Turned out, both the water and your teammates were all in the same place.

You walked into the kitchen to find everyone already inside. Before you could say anything Kraglin spoke up.

"Look! The world's worst patient lives!" he said with a grin.

"Nah, Krags, that's still you." Yondu corrected, giving you a wink as Peter agreed with him, but amended that it was a close race.

You walked over to a cabinet to get yourself a glass. "Drax told me what you guys did, and- well, thanks," you say walking over to the sink. "I mean, spare me the details, I don't want to hear anymore about it than what Drax already told me happened, but still, thanks. You didn't need to." You filled your glass and turned back to face them, sipping your water.

Yondu noted your blush and nudged you in the arm on his way to the coffee. "Don't mention it, kid."

This sentiment was met with nods and verbalizations of agreement from the others. You were family. That's what family did.

"Kay, but next time, which I hope there won't be, just stay in bed." Peter laughed.

"Yeah, yeah." you say, grumbling playfully.

"You hear that? Someone write that down." said Rocket, "We're going to hold you to that."

"Don't push it." you say, eyeing the raccoon.

"What? Your stubborn ass only tried to escape like a hundred times," Kraglin joked.

"And that's my cue to get to work," you say, setting your glass on the counter with the intent to run away from this conversation. However, you were stopped by Yondu grabbing your sleeve with an "Ah, Ah" and Gamora shoving a bowl of Yarrow Root across the table with the command to "Eat something first. You don't want to set yourself back and get sick again."

You sighed but didn't argue, knowing it was better to comply and realizing you were a little hungry anyway. You took a root from the bowl and bit into it to satisfy your friends.

That's when Peter speaks up and tells you that the doctor said you needed to take it easy for at least a day or two.

You narrowed your eyes. "When?"

"When she was here."

"When was that?" You take another bite of the root.

"Couple days ago."

You swallow. "Well then I'm considering that as time served." you say, deciding you'd take your breakfast to go.

Drax blocked your path.

"Um, can I get through?"

"No. Quill said this might happen. I'm stopping you from escaping. Finish your breakfast."

You shoot a glare at Peter before giving a hopeful look to Rocket. "You can talk some sense into them, right?"

Rocket shrugged. "Not my problem." before collecting Groot and leaving the kitchen with Mantis, who mouthed the word "Sorry" to you as they left.

You sighed, knowing there sure as hell wasn't any reasoning with the other five. "Really? This is what we're gonna do?"

"Yep." Peter grinned. Yondu and Kraglin simply shrugged behind their coffee.

Once you relented and sat down Gamora stood and stated that it wouldn't kill you to rest after being sick before leaving with Drax, who had apparently decided his job as security guard was now over. He said he was glad you were feeling better before following Gamora to the door and saying to her, without consideration that you could still hear, something to the tune that he imagined you felt better... now that you weren't puking and soiling yourself.

You choked on your water.

The other three pretended to be utterly fixated with the table and walls of the kitchen and you covered your face with your hands and moaned, "Next time please let me die."

"Will ya settle for us forgettin' it happened and never speakin' of it again?" Kraglin asked, fighting back a chuckle.

"Yes please." you squeaked from behind your hands.

Seeing an opportunity and taking it Peter added, "You still have to take the next couple days easy though."

"Anything!" you promise, lowering your head to the table.

"I think we got ourselves a deal." Yondu laughed, getting up to put his now empty coffee cup in the sink. "C'mon squirt, I'm sure we can find somethin' to take your mind off it."

And you did. You spent the next couple days just hanging around the ship with the guys and watching old movies Peter had collected over the years, telling funny stories, playing cards, and actually keeping your promise to let your body rest. Before long the whole ordeal was all but forgotten, but you were still always grateful for your family.

You knew no matter what, they had your back.

[ditloe]

4/365

January 4, 2023

Welp, I got Covid. Been lucky enough to not get it until now and I’m glad I’m completely vaccinated. So far only a runny nose and sore throat have been my biggest obstacles. I also have a low-grade fever, but I’m not too concerned about that.

Woke up this morning still feeling that itch in my throat. Did my usual morning things. The weather was pretty mild this morning. Warm temp with lots of wind. I knew the rain would come soon, so made sure to walk Kona pretty quickly. There was a warning today for flooding and heavy winds. Hoping that this terrible weather will pass soon... there are just too many accidents out on the roads and it’s extremely scary for those who have to commute daily for work. 

Soon after I tested myself, I basically quarantined myself in my room and played games all day. Not the most productive, but I also had nothing else to do. After telling my mom that I was positive, her mood changed. She seems to always act like this after some incident. I hate that she reacts this way and I felt that she was blaming me for grandma’s sickness. I mean I wouldn’t rule it out, but it’s just her attitude towards me that I hate. She’s stressed and I get it so I’m trying to not get so hung up on the situation. 

My mom also Facetimed me while I was playing games. Called her when she texted me. She didn’t answer. Then I got into a game. She called me back. She got mad that I was playing games when she specifically said to call her after I was done. She was annoyed and upset - I could feel it. Called her after my game as done and she told me about what was going to happen to grandma. She’ll be going to stay in Fremont for a while until I get better and am no longer contagious which is good. Glad grandma can stay somewhere safe. Then, my mom proceeded to tell me that I would have to start paying for my schooling after I graduate with my BS in Health Science. She said she couldn’t afford to support me with school anymore. I get it. I wasted a lot of time getting this degree and I wish I could do it all over again, but life isn’t always a perfect path. I messed up and am trying to be better and do better now. I hope she sees that. I did get a little offended when she told me I would have to get loans. Made me feel like I should leave this household now because she isn’t really helping me anymore. However, she is still putting a roof over my head and feeding me, so I do need to stay. Also, because once I apply to nursing school and get in, I won’t be able to work and financially take care of myself. Sometimes, I wish Chris would have a stable job right now and have the funds to take care of himself and possibly me too... It’s asking a lot I know. I try to not think about that and just deal with my family for now. Hopefully soon he and I will be able to move out together soon. 

Because I am on isolation for 5 days, I won’t be able to work my next three shifts. So crazy how this happened. I feel bad to be honest... I know we can be short staffed, and they need good workers. It is what it is. Got to prioritize my health. 

Seems like I’ll be sleeping late again. I need to be better about filling my time with important tasks. I was able to walk today even if I did start a little late. As long as it gets done, I’m happy. 

ALSO: found out that I am getting a yearly bonus sometime this month or in February. All SHC staff will get it, so it isn’t special, but I am still excited! I can maybe pay for Kona’s teeth cleaning soon...

Steps: 9,522

[levis-hazelnut]

Levi x Reader How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend

Summary: Levi advising others on how to make a woman happy (because men just seem to be oblivious to this and don’t know how to be the perfect boyfriend).

1. Always make time for her, brats. If you try to push her away, she'll find a way to get you to spend time with her.

As always, Levi would wake up after a couple of hours of sleep, which wasn't very healthy for him, and he would start his day. He has breakfast, has a half an hour break to do whatever he wants before his squad awaits him on the training ground. Once their training session finishes, he heads to his office, getting ready to make a start on the paperwork that resided on his desk. And that's when she comes in with a tray and a smile adorning her lips. She placed the tray on the wooden surface and gave him a cup of tea with steam dancing around over it. Levi quietly thanked her as she took her own cup of tea and sat on the edge of the desk. After taking a sip, smoky hues glanced at the face of the person he loved (though, he would never say that aloud unless he was in the mood to be sappy). He shot her a questioning look since she was just staring at him, her tea long forgotten. "What do you want?" he inquired. Without a single word leaving her lips, she leapt off of the desk and made herself comfortable on Levi's lap. He bit back a huff when she buried her face into the crook of his neck and placed butterfly kisses over his skin. "(Y/N), I have a shit ton of paperwork to do." "And...? Are you prioritising your work over me - your wonderful, loving, best ever girlfriend?" she sassed back, removing her face from his neck.

"You know I'm always putting you first. It's just that I want to finish this and deliver it to Eyebrows so he can get off my back." "Fine," the curt word left her lips as she got off of the raven-haired male. "I guess you don't love me anymore." The last thing he saw was a pout before she disappeared into his bedroom. He knew she was doing this just for attention, but he couldn’t sit around like this. Sighing, Levi ran a hand through his hair and scraped his chair against the floor, standing up and walking into the room his girlfriend decided to retreat to. She laid on her side, beautiful, (E/C) orbs on the radiant sky outside the window that was slightly ajar, letting a refreshing breeze into the room. Levi laid behind her, his chest barely brushing her back as he looped his muscular arms around her waist, tugging her closer to him. Even though he couldn't see her face, he could bet that she still forced on a pout that deterred a smirk from appearing. "I'm sorry, (Y/N)," he hummed, kissing the back of her neck. "I can leave the paperwork for later since I don't have to finish it until tomorrow." A smile sprang onto (Y/N)'s lips when she twisted her body around and snuggled into Levi after pecking his lips. He let a smile of his own conquer his lips, even though he was still mildly irritated that she always finds a way to make him waste time. "I love you, Levi." "And you know I do, too, otherwise, I wouldn't be here cuddling with you." 2. Do not call her 'brat' (unless you don't wish to reproduce).

There she was, training a bunch of poor excuses of soldiers meant to protect humanity. Yeah, well, forget about them, they have no significance. Only the woman teaching them does. She stood there with a wrinkle formed in between her brows, yet a miniature smile rested on her soft lips. Her arms were crossed over her chest as her melodic voice sounded over the hushed voices of scouts who had the fucking audacity to talk over her. She could obviously hear them, but being the generous person she is, she didn't bother in shouting at them. Or maybe it was because she knew it wouldn't make them stop. Anyway, back to her beautiful self: her luscious tresses danced with the faint breeze that caressed her face, which held glistening eyes, a boopable nose, and lips that Levi made swollen. Then, let's go to her amazing body that Levi has caused to ache and covered it in love bites and such. If you're getting sick of the description, just imagine the sexiest goddess and multiply her beauty by fifty. You'll still be nowhere near imagining the woman standing there, but it's the closest you could get. Once the scouts got to training and (Y/N) just watched over them, her boyfriend came into sight as he approached her. "Hey, my love," she beamed. "Hi, brat," Levi replied and was about to peck her nose, however, that didn't happen when he stumbled back when his girlfriend pushed him. A frown danced on his face. "What the hell are you doing?" "Don't call me 'brat'," she growled and edged closer to him before thrusting her knee into a place that seemed as if it had an effect on the boys watching as they all winced and let out sounds of pain. The Corporal dropped to the ground as his 'wonderful, loving, best ever girlfriend' smirked down at him before facing her squad. "Girls, this is how you deal with jerks that don't know how to treat you right. Now, get back to training!" After her little piece of advice, (Y/N) turned back around to the groaning Levi, sprawled on the floor. "Love ya, my honey," she piped and crouched down to peck his forehead. Fucking brat... Levi thought once her lips touched his skin. 3. Show that you love her; randomly attack her with affection, or just cheer her up when she's down, or simply keep her company while she's relaxing. Cheesy shit like that (do excuse my language, dipshits).

The sun beamed down on the training grounds (though, the sun could never compare to her smile) where scouts were lazing around because of the heat smouldering them. Levi could care less since he wasn't in the mood to scold them or train them. So, he headed over to (Y/N), who took cover under the shade of a tree that loomed over her as if protecting her. She sat down cross-legged on the emerald grass, leaning her back against the trunk of a tree as she had a book in her lap. As to not disturb her too much, Levi quietly neared her before settling on the grass beside her. She gazed at him with a tender smile touching her lips before facing the book again. He draped an arm around her shoulders and made her rest her head on his shoulder as he started to run his hands over her (H/C), silky tresses. The action soothed both of them. Shortly, lips softly pressed against the top of her head, which made her put the book down as she lifted her head off of Levi's shoulder to face him. A smirk stained his lips and (Y/N) leaned forward to kiss him. Fingers tangled themselves in her hair as she placed a single hand on his shoulder and shuffled closer to him. Teeth gently nibbled on her bottom lip and she parted them, letting his tongue slip into her mouth and dance with her wet muscle. A soft sigh left her lips and vibrated against his before they pulled away. (Y/N) licked the string of their combined saliva away, leaning her forehead against Levi's. No words were spoken, but that didn't matter since no words were needed. ~/~ Everyone had distress written all over their faces after another miserable expedition. Many losses, many injuries, many disasters. And everyone included (Y/N). She was in her room, lying down in her bed with the covers encasing her as she quietly sobbed, clutching a piece of fabric against her chest. Marie, her best friend that she's known ever since she joined the Survey Corps, had died on this expedition. She hadn't been there to try to save Marie and she blamed herself for that. She blamed herself for being a terrible friend. "(Y/N)?" Levi softly called once he padded into her bedroom. He got no response, except sobs as he approached her. The raven sat on the edge of the bed and gently tugged (Y/N) onto his lap and cradled her, tucking her head under his chin. He hushed her like a mother to a child and rubbed comforting circles on her back.

He knew anything he tried to do would be useless since it was her best friend that she lost. Losing anyone was difficult, but losing someone that was close to you was something that no one wished to experience. "... I-I wasn't eve-en th-there in h-he-er... last mo-oments-s..." "Shh. It’s not your fault, my love." With some more calming words, her sobs soon quietened and there were only a few tears. Levi forced her to get ready for bed and sleep since she hasn't rested since they came back from the expedition. Her boyfriend changed into something more comfortable before crawling in next to her. He wrapped his arms around his girlfriend protectively and pulled her close, promising that he'll keep her safe, no matter what. ~/~ The (H/C)-haired female stared out of her open window, watching over the scouts that messed around on the training grounds as a subconscious smile fell on her face. She was so engrossed in the azure sky, the puffs of white, the luminous spotlight and the scouts, that she didn't even hear her office door open. She continued smiling and staring until a fit of giggles suddenly took over. She tried slapping away the hands that tickled her sides and squirmed in her spot before slowly dropping to the ground as fingers proceeded to tickle her further. "Levi!! Stop, stop!! Levi, seriously...! I'm going to pee myself!" she said in between giggles and pants, trying to push the human on top of her off. Soon, there was no movement, only (Y/N)'s chest rising and falling as she caught her breath and gazed into grey hues. Once oxygen was back into her lungs, slightly chapped lips moulded with hers for a slow dance as she was pinned to the floor. "What was all this for?" she whispered with a grin when their lips parted. "I was bored and you were off guard." "Hm. I love you so much, Levi," she hummed and brushed his ebony locks back from his forehead. "I love you so much, too," he murmured before smashing his lips against hers once more. 4. Never call her a monster when she's on her period. Also, always attend to her needs before said monster comes out.

Levi just barely dodged the book that was thrown at him as he retreated into his office, trying to take cover from the monster that lay in his bed. Though, he shouldn't call her monster anymore since the book was launched at him for that very reason. Not wanting to interact with the beast any further, he sat at his desk and finished off the pile of paperwork that decided to wander onto the surface. "Levi!!” At the scream of his name, the aforementioned male's hand had slipped and caused the ink to ruin the page. He clicked his tongue as quietly as he could before getting up and leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom. "Yes?" "Could you get me some mint tea, my darling?" she asked with an innocent voice. "Okay," Levi said and walked away, leaving to get (Y/N) tea, being the amazing boyfriend he is. "Levi!" What's the fuck is wrong now? Levi groaned internally before facing her once again. "When you come back, can you cuddle with me?" "... Sure." "Okay. Thank you, my sweetheart." Finally, he was able to leave his office and not have to her screaming his name. Yeah, she was in a bed, but he would prefer if he was in that bed with her as she screamed his name. However, he can't do that right now. Levi made (Y/N) her tea before going back to his room and giving it to her. She took a sip, let out a satisfied sigh before yanking the short male down onto the bed. Damn, even though she's in pain, she's fucking strong. His chest collided with hers before he rolled onto the side, embracing her and rubbing circles on her abdomen that seemed to help her. "Levi?" "Hm?" "Do you hate me?" "... No." Ah, the hesitation. Why did he hesitate? If he didn't, everything would be fine. "I said: Levi, do you hate me?" she repeated, gritting her teeth. "Of course not, darling. I love you more than you could ever imagine." Ugh, those words made him feel nauseous, but if it meant he could keep his head, he would say it.

Well, it's not like he was lying. 5. Help her. She may be terrifying and strong at times, but she still acts like a damsel in distress when she's perfectly fine.

Levi sat at his desk, pen in hand as his eyes grazed over the words written on a piece of paper that resided on his desk. It was almost fucking midnight and he had to send in this report to Erwin by tomorrow morning. Distracting him from his work, (Y/N) stumbled into his office and dropped a tray that held two cups of tea. He barely regarded her before getting back to his task, knowing she was glaring at him, but decided to do nothing about it. "Levi!" "What do you want?" he muttered. "Would you mind helping me?" "You're the one that dropped it." Her eyes narrowed and she clenched her fists before standing up and storming over to his desk. This is when he finally decided to look at her when she towered over him with her index finger pointing towards him. "You're such a jerk, you know." "I know. Go clean up that mess." She sighed and flicked his forehead before doing as he said, no matter how impolite he was being. Once she wiped up the tea with wipes and a spray, she started to clean up the shattered glass. As she did that, Levi crouched down in front of her and helped his girlfriend, who just stared at him. "Stop looking at me like that, just be grateful I'm helping your clumsy ass." She smiled before quietly hissing in pain. Concern flickered in the raven's eyes, but soon confusion appeared when she was still smiling. "I'm fine. I just got a bit of glass in my finger." The female with (E/C) eyes stood up and put her finger in the light so she could see the glass. A shadow prevented that from happening as Levi took her hand and easily removed it before putting it into a tissue. "Thank you, my love,” she beamed. 6. Push bitches away. Once you do that, show her that she's the only one you want.

Levi had been forced to go to a ball of sorts with Erwin and Hanji. But of course, he despises snobby shitheads and pigs flaunting their money, so why would he want to go to an event full of those creatures? After much complaining, Erwin had told him that he could bring (Y/N) along, and that had shut Levi up. And there they were, dressed in formal clothes as they followed Erwin around, conversing with people. "This shit's boring as hell," Levi murmured to his beloved who had hooked her arm with his. "Do you want to dance?" "Are you stupid? I hate dancing." "Oh, come on, baby. We've danced before." "Yeah, I did that for you. I'm not doing it again. Not even if it would get rid of titans." "Fine... Could you get me a drink, please, then?" "Sure." She let Levi go over to a table and get drinks for both of them as she wandered over to Hanji who was talking to some woman. The brunette gave (Y/N) a grin before introducing her to the woman she was talking to. "It's nice meeting you, (Y/N). And I just want to say that the man you were walking with is gorgeous." "Yes, he definitely is," she smiled. Only Hanji knew that it was a fake smile. "I'm lucky since I've been with him for a few years now," she made sure to add, so this woman knows to stay the fuck away. "Oi, you lot, get off of me," Levi snarled, trying to push a couple of women away and making sure not to spill the drinks he was holding. "Well, you have nowhere to go, do you now?" one of them spoke, batting her eyelashes and dragging a finger from his collarbone down to his waistband. He put a glass down on the table and slapped that hand away before it could go further, shooting the woman a glare. "Touch me one more fucking time and you're going to lose that hand," he threatened darkly. Levi doesn't care who he's talking to, be it a woman or not. No one touches him like that. Yeah, right now, he sounds like a dickhead for treating women like this, but he would be even more of a dickhead if he didn't attempt to push them away when he has the most perfect woman by his side. "And I actually do have a place to go to. You see, my girlfriend over there wants to dance. You know the one in that icy blue dress? Yeah, that's her. And, oh look, she sees me so she's going to slap every single one of you if you don't fucking get your shitty hands off of me." Hm. Looks like that scared them, Levi smirked mentally once they all decided to move away. He straightened his clothes and passed (Y/N) a glass of wine as she glared at the women that scurried away. "Come, let's dance," the Corporal slipped her hand into his and led her to the other dancing couples. "I thought that you didn't want to dance." "I will if it means that those b*tches will leave me alone." The (H/C)-haired female gave Levi a tender smile (she knew that it wasn't because of that reason) as she placed one hand on his shoulder as the other clutched his hand. The raven's other hand rested on her waist before they swiftly danced as (E/C) and grey clashed. (Y/N) lifted her hand off of Levi's shoulder and he spun her around before bringing her back close to him. Soon, their dancing slowed down and all they focused on was each other's eyes before standing completely still amidst the other couples that moved their way around the hall. Levi rested his forehead against the one of the woman he loved, their lips barely brushing. However, a couple bumped into them which disrupted their moment that felt as if they were the only two people in the room. Levi caught his beloved before she could tumble over. Looking to see who it was, grey hues met blue and brown ones. Hanji and Erwin. "Tch." "Hi, (Y/N), Shorty! Keep your kissing for later." 7. If you love her as much as you claim to, propose. That will make her feel as if she's the happiest woman alive (and it will make you feel as if you’re the happiest man alive).

(Y/N) and Levi laid in bed together, entangled in each other's arms with their legs overlapping as they peacefully slept. (Y/N) had her face hidden in the crook of Levi's neck as her chest pressed against his. The raven tucked her head under his chin as his arms rested around her naked figure. They had stayed up most of the night, doing things. And the good thing is that everyone had a day off today so they could sleep in as much as they wanted. They may miss breakfast, but that didn't matter. The sunlight scattered through the curtains in Levi's bedroom, resting on his girlfriend's face which caused her to close her eyes tighter as a frown settled onto her visage. She turned away from the light, which meant turning her back to her boyfriend, who quietly groaned. He subconsciously tugged her closer to him and buried his nose in her hair. A yawn left her lips as she slowly opened her eyes, blinking a few times. She smiled at the feeling of Levi's arms that kept her warm and safe before closing her eyes again. When she did that, she felt light kisses peppering over her neck, causing a sigh of delight to leave her lips as lips trailed down her spine. He went further down and nipped on one of her butt cheeks so she let out a small yelp and lifted her foot to kick him. Of course, however, she had no idea where she was aiming. A grunt sounded and the grip on her loosened. "You really don't want kids, do you?" he grumbled in his husky, morning voice that also hinted with pain. "You want kids? Even though you hate brats?" she snapped with her back still facing him. She felt his hands travel over her hips to find her hands. He acknowledged which hand was which and took her left one in his. "If they're yours, I want them after we get married," he hummed, slipping something light and cold onto her finger. "... Wait... No. Are you joking? Levi, I swear, if you're joking, I'll straight-up murder you," she threatened after turning around to face him when she noticed a smile resting on his lips. "I'm not joking. I'm being serious," he chuckled lightly. "I love you, (Y/N). I don't want to lose you and I always want you by my side. So, (Y/N) (L/N), will you marry me?" "You idiot, of course, I will," (Y/N) sobbed and embraced her, now, fiancé. "I love you so fucking so much." And that, brats, is how to be the perfect boyfriend. You're welcome, dumbshits - by Levi.