#and i think imma go back to my usual method lol

[ladypepperofdavenshire]

Something very spur-of-the-moment that I had to finish! Traxton has a lot of memories of killing and being killed, and as cool as he plays it for most people, it really does get under his skin and affect his psyche. I wanted to highlight the first time he killed someone/was killed in this comic; he was seventeen at the time, his grandfather recently deceased from wasting away from disease, and with nothing to lose when he joined the army of a nobleman. He'd never fought before, never killed, so being thrust onto the battlefield was extremely jarring, to say the least. Traxton had figured out several ways to cope with the memories and night terrors that came at him through the centuries, though he picked up smoking--only as a last resort to settle his nerves--following WWI. He only breaks out a pack of cigarettes when one of those night terrors REALLY jolts him awake.

After getting married in the 1920s, Muriel picked up on when those memories manifesting themselves as nightmares would be too much for her husband. He tries not to wake her up with them, but if they're really bad, she's bound to know something's up when she feels he's left the house "for some air." She'd prefer he talk it out with her, but she knows how painful it can be to relive those kinds of memories, so she'll sit up with him instead and wait out the tremors until he's ready to come back inside.

[trexy225]

So! I feel like people who have been around a while wonder how I write so much. And honestly I have no idea but I can try and guess. This is basically me trying to figure out why and how I write so much 😃

I feel like it’s a combined force of spite, wanting to tell my stories, organization, and comments from people that keep me going. I’ve always been a creative person and it wasn’t until recently that I got back into writing. I use it as a coping mechanism and instead of lashing out at people or you know focusing on the negativity in my life, I channel all my creative (and frustrated) energy into my writing. So honestly when you can see me updating a lot, something is going on haha. I’m extremely busy and it’s hard to find time to write, usually I will open up my laptop and jot down like 100-500 words when I have a spare five minutes. I’ve started to write in composition notebooks and I’m able to write more if I have like a minute so I have several chapters written that I just gotta write down on my google docs lol. Usually write during the weekends, lunch, and at night but tbh sometimes I just don’t have energy. I just have a lot of energy and I finally found a way to channel what I have.

I also write for my readers, not just myself. When I was at a super dark time when I was younger, I used reading fanfiction as an outlet. (Not sure if it helped or made things worse Imma choose the first option) and I know that everyone is struggling. I hope that my fics can make someone’s day and show them that they’re not alone. I’ve always had positive intentions and I hope that it’s been reflected in my writing.

NOW I think that how I organize and format my writing also plays a huge role in it, I have a fic template that I use and it helps me plot out my ideas. Basically I figure out what I want the ending to be and I write an outline. And then I write ^^. If I’m unable to figure out what to write, I will use a wheel of names or look at the ones that I didn’t update recently. Usually I try to do like a cycle of updating but I’ve decided to just write whichever fics I feel like writing. All of my WIPS have endings, and that means that imma finish it. Sometimes I run out of steam but in the end, I always want to finish my fics. I have many fics that I’m working on the outline and just basic stuff that I’ve been working on in the background.

I also use several methods to start writing when I have time. A lot of things I’ve learned from writing accounts on insta and tumblr. I am always working on this writers toolbox with vocab and how to write certain things, if anyone wants that hmu. However it’s a huge WIP and it’s not complete. I work on it when there’s time to do things but I don’t feel like writing. Some things I do to start writing is write three sentences, change the weather, change the POV, write a different part, go back to a finished fic and rewrite a chapter, ask for constructive criticism, look at comments and also Fanart for inspiration. For my AU’s sometimes I will watch movies and TV shows, like for POYW I’ll watch little mermaid and princess movies or for Kraken’s Callin’ I’ll watch Treasure Planet and the pirates of the Caribbean or OFMD. For stranded I’ll watch horror survival movies and so on and so on the list goes on forever.

If anyone has any questions pls ask, I love to help ^^ I’m an amateur and I’m learning new things everyday. But at the end of the day, I love to write and I’m always working to be better and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

(Might update this as life goes on idk I’m so busy)

Ok slay bye bye

[writers-worst-nightmare]

Demon slayer characters finding out you are a demon pt 2:

Ask: Yo wassup

I enjoyed the „finding out you are a demon“ Hcs way to much so could I request more headcanons from „finding out you are a demon“ for Giyuu, Obanai and Zenitsu?.. They were awesome!! 😫🤚

A/N: man I guess I should post more demon slayer stuff lol, you guys seemed to enjoy those a LOT ummm…not complaining though Demon Slayer hits different

Request are always open!

Warning(s): angst-turned-fluff, cussing

Pairing(s): Giyuu x reader, Obanai x reader, Zenitsu x reader

Giyuu:

This gif of him is so fine oml

ANYWAY

Moving on from the part that Giyuu is fine af

he knew from the start that you where a demon

But for some reason he tolerated you and that turned to you two dating

It was all so fast for him

One minute he was thinking of ways to kill you and the next he was telling you how much he loved you and giving you pet names

So he is over here like 🧍‍♂️

He tried to kill you

He didn’t really stop but it was actually NEZUKO that stopped him

Yeah you heard that right Nezuko stopped him from killing you

And it was them that he realized how far he had gone

I mean you where battered and bruised while crying on the floor and he wasn’t going to stop

That hit him like a fucking truck

What if Nezuko hadn’t stopped him?

What if he killed you?

He blocked himself off from everybody else

He even ignored you

Giyuu imma bout to beat yo ass if you keep ignoring y/n

You and him fell into a dark place and he didn’t know what to do

but that all changed when one day Giyuu decided to fix y’all relationship

Finally

So instead of talking to you he kind of just picked you up and threw you over his shoulder then started waking with you

And your other here like 👁👄👁

”Giyuu? Why did you just throw me over your shoulder?”

”I wanted to fix this”

He is now SUPER overprotective of you and like it is sooo cute

Like I am so jelly :(

So he tries to not kill anymore demons and solve this a peaceful way

Everyone else realized this and they where like

❓❓❓

Because usually he is all like

“STABBY STABBY STABBY”

And now he is all like

”Maybe we don’t have to go stabby stabby.”

Obanai:

This is the best gif I could find of him smh

he is so underrated

ANYWAY

“So, a fight to the death is a good option for us?”

”No❤️“

He is really confused

Like he knows that a demon is bad and he should fight a demon

But he doesn’t want to hurt you

If he saw you even slightly bruised he wouldn’t know what to do with himself

He would just cry honestly

So he decided to do the most romantic thing

He literally dropped ALL of his dreams and ran away with you

“They can not catch us if we run far away my little reptile…”

It was like a Romeo and Juliet all over again

So the two of you ran away and found a home somewhere in the woods

Always on the run and brought excitement to the relationship

Sure it felt weird to fight against the people he said should have fought to the death over a demon but he had to do it

Because if he hadn’t then what would you be doing?

Just lay there?

He knew you better then that

He also knew that you would go on your own and he could never bare that

He taught you the method of fighting and you taught him how to kill a hunter

It was very concerning for both ends

But he didn’t care

You guy’s where just happy together in a kick-ass relationship

He spent the rest of his days with you and even adopted some kids

It became a safe haven for demons and humans alike

Nezuko and Tanjiro stayed over from time-to-time

You even learned how to heal demons and started healing some of the demons that he was hurt in the past

Obanai started picking up on some of your methods and you two lived happily ever after

Y'all this was so cute ommggg

I think this is my favorite one to do lol

Zenitsu:

“Oh, ok cool!”

“Wait…you aren’t like concerned? No, ‘oh my God I can’t believe you betrayed me!’ None of that?”

”As long as you don’t go out with a hot anime demon the I am ok with you being a demon!”

like the best conversation above he doesn’t really mind

Like Mitsrui nothing really changed in the relationship

If anything he tried to impress you by saying how well he got along with Nezuko

And you are here like 🧍‍♂️

“She totally fell for me y/n!”

Nezuko in the back: “No I did not!”

Don’t ask me how Nezuko magically started talking

You guys have like demon talks

Where you pamper Zenitsu and he pampers you

”Y/N-CHAAANNN”

He trims your horns if they are growing and teaches you how to avoid hunters

Nothing changed because he couldn’t leave his friends just hanging there

And plus you didn’t seem like the type of demon that eats humans

Think of like Nezuko

So Zenitsu liked you even more

You protect him if a demon came towards him

He also tried to teach you his lightning breath but it didn’t work out when you accidentally shocked him

PLEASE GIVE BEST BOY SOME CUDDLES PLEASE

He loves it when he knows the danger in your relationship and he STILL IS TOGETHER WITH YOU

Even though he can be scared sometimes and that is when Tanjiro and Nezuko step in

Or Giyuu if it is SUPER bad

[katatonicimpression]

For the ship meme - Sam and Bucky, Pyro and Iceman, Shinobi and your choice of character. (Also, don't feel obliged to do all these, I'm just throwing characters at you here.)

Ooh OK. I know you said I didn't need to do all of these but I did all of these.

Sambucky:

Yes, I ship it. Just so much they make me stupid.

What made you ship it? I think I found out they were getting a show before I saw endgame. I was like "what?" and then I was like "No, wait. This could work." and then I couldn't stop thinking about them. Then I saw endgame and they were already acting married in it and I was doomed.

What are your favourite things about the ship? I love the dynamic of this weirdo (hot) bird enthusiast being adored and pursued by this charming bad boy character. I love how they support each other in canon and I'm into their bickering dads thing.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? OK so there's all of the usual drama.. but I think there are enough sam fans out there making those points that I don't need to repeat it. Instead, imma go real niche:

There's this trend in fics to write bucky as retired or wanting to retire from superheroing. As far as I can tell this is in response to Infinity War, where he looks like he'd rather be doing anything else. But the thing is, in tfatws, it ends on the clear promise that Sam and bucky are going to be superheroing together from now on: they're partners. Moreover, the show goes out of its way to show Bucky helping people directly for the first time and finding it really rewarding - he wants to do this. So it's not canon compliant is my point. That's my controversial opinion.

But more specifically, a lot of these fics are just here is Bucky who is perfect going about his perfect day and oh look there's Sam. He's home, back from his nine to five job at the captain America factory. Like, they're just surreal and while that's funny for a bit it gets annoying after a while.

Allerdrake:

Yes, I ship it.

What made you ship it? That would be the angsty teenage drama in the xmen movies your honour. I was an impressionable tween.

What are your favourite things about the ship? Elemental imagery and tomfoolery. Dramatic fire vs ice expectations versus clown reality.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? Idk. Rogue did nothing wrong? Honestly comics allerdrake isn't popular enough to have unpopular opinions.

Shinobi and (spins wheel) Psylocke:

Psylocke? For the record I literally closed my eyes and pointed at a random section of this image. I'm going to assume it's Kwannon.

Can't say I've ever shipped this. Not that this method was ever going to yield much lol.

Why don't I ship it? See previous comment.

What would have made me like it? Well, honestly if they interacted more maybe it could work. She can definitely do better though. And deserves better. I think he knew some guys who tried to kill her once? I don't remember. They're a little bit connected in canon but not much. Maybe in the new Marauders, they'll interact. Who knows, this could be a thing (I sincerely doubt this will be a thing)

Despite not shipping it, do I have anything positive to say about it? Well, she's a hell of a get from Shinobi's point of view. Hmm... idk maybe he could help her relax, show her some stress free living? He's a party animal and lord knows she needs some time off.

[that-was-anticlimactic]

tracks? please elaborate (if you want). i’m scared but.

also you’re an education major that’s so cool! my sisters an ed major and i’m considering it is there field in education you’re majoring/interested in?

yes hello! i love talking about this as it is one of the aspects of teaching that i am most passionate about! before i get into tracks, yes! i’m an english ed major and i’m still debating between teaching middle school or high school—i just know that elementary is too young for me (if you have any questions about being an ed major, you can always ask me! i’m finishing the second semester of my sophomore year so i’m not like the most knowledgeable ever, but i know this is what i want to do with my life!)

so i have very many issues with tracking, from personal experience, people i’ve talked to, my introduction to english ed class (and the textbook specifically had such good info about it which is where the majority of my info comes from), as well as some research i’ve done on my own. (links to some of these articles below!)

so, tracking is implemented in most schools and is the separation of kids as honor students (gifted kids, advanced kids), regular students (which is usually the lowest level), and intermediate kids (the in between). i’m not going to dive into special education here because that’s not the focus of my major and i haven’t done as much research there, but i know there are also issues with treating special ed kids as if they’re not as intelligent as other kids.

one major problem with tracking is that it begins rather early on in schooling. i remember taking tests in elementary schools that dictated whether we were honors or regular kids, and that translated to middle school. my middle school had an intermediate track as well, which is where i was: i wasn’t good enough at english to be in honors, wasn’t good enough at math or social studies or science to be in honors, but i was “too smart” to be in regular, so they threw me in the middle. and these were all dictated by tests we took in fifth grade. yeah. fifth grade.

i know this is pretty similar in others schools as well. sometimes its teachers who dictate what track students should be in, which is just as dangerous and subjective as basing tracks on elementary school tests. now, i do think that having advanced and regular and intermediate classes are important because some students do like the faster pace or the slower pace or need extra help, and that’s okay. what isn’t okay is choosing for the students, which is what seems to happen more often than not (again, in my experience).

imma talk about each track individually because i can and i’m going to start with the intermediate track because that’s where i was and i feel like no one ever talks about us (again... i’ve done research and there ain’t much about us in the research, but i guess we could say that’s because not all schools have intermediate tracks). so, intermediate track. kids in this track are the ones in the middle, think middle child. we are also the track that tends to be considered least important. why? because we don’t “need special attention” like the regular track “does”, and we aren’t smart enough to get special attention that the honors track gets. we’re just simply there. from my time in the middle track and talking to my friends (most of whom were honors so i felt stupid a lot), we did pretty much the same stuff they did, they just got to do it in more fun ways or with more praise.

kids in this track tend to want attention but don’t know how to get it because we aren’t important. i crave validation like it’s my everything: i genuinely need validation from teachers and parents and friends because i never got it in school. even if it’s something like “this wasn’t good and here’s why...” i need that because no one ever really cared enough to give it to me (except the teachers that went out of their way to be good teachers). we aren’t treated as special. these kids often tend to be left on their own more in a “you’re smart enough to do this on your own, right? you don’t need help because you aren’t regular kids” but we also aren’t honors or gifted, so we also don’t get the praise and the good attention either. think jan brady in the brady bunch. like... jan the only child vibes. oh and we can’t make decisions to save our life:) (could you tell that i’m an intermediate track kid by the way I got upset over no one talking about us? it’s the years of being ignored lol)

okay, let’s go to regular track. oh these poor kids. these kids are generally the ones people don’t want to teach because they’re “rowdy” and “don’t want to be there / don’t care”. again, think younger child. the only attention they get is negative attention. that’s because no one cares about them unless they act out and act like the regular kid stereotype, so that’s what they do because it’s been engrained in society that that’s what being a regular kid is. regular kids also tend to be in regular classes because of some sort of mental illness or neurodivergency. they can’t concentrate in class (and probably have adhd / add but the schools don’t talk about that), throw them in the regular classes.

story time: i worked at dairy queen for four years, and when i was back in summer 2020, i became friends with a lot of the freshmen and sophomores in high school who worked there because i treated them like they were worth something. i actually had a really sad talk with this one kid who we’ll call Aang (because i feel like Aang would be put in the lower track because he can’t sit still) where he told me he was stupid. obviously i told him he wasn’t, and he told me that his school treated him like he was stupid. when his school found out he had adhd, instead of trying to help him, they put him in special ed classes and he got bullied by the kids at school or being “so stupid he was put in special ed classes”. unlike intermediate kids, these kids crave positive affirmation, but they’re most likely willing to act out because they tend to believe bad attention is better than none. these are kids who may genuinely need help in classes but just get everything really dumbed down because of the stigma that they’re too stupid to be better.

honors / gifted kids is probably the most talked about of the tracks (especially on tumblr because i feel like most of y’all fit in there—no shame to y’all, you had it rough too), so this one may be a little shorter. these kids don’t know how to study because they tend to get coddled when they’re younger. this is not me saying anything bad about the kids specifically, but gifted kids tend to get intricate and great teaching when they’re young, and then kind of thrown into high school like “you’re so smart! we’ll teach you and give you fun projects and stuff, but also here’s a lot of work”. the get all of the benefits of being the best without genuine effort (of teachers / the school) to back it up because they’ve always been told or thrown into the category where “you’re so smart and talented!” that they didn’t have to do much because it was easy and when it gets harder, they didn’t have the study methods to back it up because they were “so smart they didn’t need to be taught” that they “didn’t need to learn how to study”. these kids also feel a lot of pressure and probably do not want to be perceived because all eyes seem to always be on them. they stress about grades a lot and think they’re dumb if they get a B (even tho B is a good grade, society has just trained everyone to think that you’re stupid if you don’t get A’s). again, think older child.

all three tracks have undiagnosed mental illnesses which is why i didn’t really talk about them much in there? i talked about the adhd one because i feel like people don’t know that and i wanted to share that story about *Aang* because it literally broke my heart. Aang told me that i was the first person who ever told him that he was smart and that his classes in school didn’t dictate his worth. people need to hear that more often. maybe i’m being bitter because i always see posts about the gifted kid track (which is important to learn about and understand because they felt such an unfair amount of pressure) but never anything about the intermediate track and that’s why i didn’t talk about mental illnesses, but each track--all three--can cause mental illness and mental illnesses can be the reason for placement.

now (sorry i know this is long, but these last two points are important), imma get into race. note that i am a white cis female (bi ace), so if anything here is wrong, please let me know. this is based on research and what i learned in my multicultural education class (taught by an asian man, not a white one don’t worry. God i loved Dr. Park, one of the best teachers i’ve had). a lot of poc, especially black and brown poc, tend to be placed in lower tracks because of the stereotypical “they’re rowdy” and “too distracting” arguments. i read many articles about how unfairly placed these kids were and how they were treated as stupid which in turn caused them to stop caring about how they acted because it’s what everyone expects. not all poc do this, this is me summarizing some studies i read.

another issue is with asian poc because they tend to be placed into higher tracks because, again, they’re expected to be. model minority. this puts unfair stress on asian poc who are expected to be the model minority and causes them to feel this constant need to prove themselves.

i don’t want to go into this too much more because i feel like it isn’t my voice on this issue that needs to be heard, but this is important to understand and i’m going to link some of the fantastic studies / articles / journals i was able to read and hang onto in multicultural ed:

Students' Multiple Worlds: Negotiating the Boundaries of Family, Peer, and School Cultures, Research in American Indian and Alaska Native Education: From Assimilation to SelfDetermination, Navajo Youth and Anglo Racism: Cultural Integrity and Resistance (another article by Donna Deyhle that i cannot find online but have a digital copy of and will email to anyone upon request), The Power of the Preps and a Cheerleading Equity Policy, (Un)Necessary Toughness?: Those "Loud BlackGirls" and Those "Quiet Asian Boys", Testing the 'Acting White' Hypothesis: A Popular Explanation Runs out of Empirical Steam, and lastly The Savage Inequalities of Public Education in New York (which i also cannot find online but have a digital copy of, lemme know if anyone wants it). these are all enlightening and sad readings but important nonetheless.

the last thing imma talk about (and yes, i know, this is very long... i feel passionately about this) is the good old topic of mental health / neurodivergence and test taking:D so, i have tourette’s syndrome, anxiety, and would very much like to get tested for adhd, so i do have more experience with this topic. the testing for what track students go in is so unfair, especially for neurodivergent kids. there are so many different ways these tests hinder students. you cannot accurately test people’s intelligence! especially from a young age and hold them to that for most of their life. some students need time extensions, need accommodations that a lot of schools don’t supply.

like i said: i have tourette’s and i was hindered in test taking because i couldn’t stop moving and then i would realize how no one else is moving so i shouldn’t have to move either so why can’t i stop moving what am i doing wrong and then ten minutes have flown by and i got nothing done. there were times when i would focus so hard on suppressing that i didn’t concentrate. flu season is the worst because i have a verbal tic dictated by premonitory urge where i have the physical need to sniff when i consciously hear someone else do it. i almost failed a test once because of this. students with dyslexia and dysgraphia are hindered because it can take them longer to read or figure out the numbers. students with anxiety overexert themselves and stress themselves out so badly that they can do worse. even people with chronic pain can be hindered due to the chairs or the way they have to sit. these tests don’t tell the school crap.

so many factors go into these tests and requirements for what track someone is in. this is why i feel it needs to be the student’s choice as to what classes they take. someone with dyslexia might want to be in regular english but might want to be in honors math because they’re really good at math, but can’t because of tracks sometimes. and this issue is huge in middle school where, in my experience, we didn’t have a choice. in high school, we had more of a choice, but by then these tracks are so engrained in us that we tend to continue with where we’re placed.

i like to think i’m good at english, i’m literally in school to be an english teacher. but in middle school, i was in the intermediate track. high school didn’t have intermediate english classes, so i assumed i wasn’t smart enough / didn’t deserve to be in honors and did regular english for two years until my friends convinced me to take honors, but at that point someone told me to take ap, so i jumped from intermediate to regular to ap classes. it was a rough transition. english comes naturally to me, but switching tracks was hard. this happens to so many kids who feel like they don’t have a choice, even if they do. there are so many kids who took the wrong classes because of the stupid test.

this is uhh really long. idk if anyone will read this far, but i care about this so much. each track, all three of them, deserves better. i’ll leave y’all with this: do not let the forced competition and hierarchy of tracks impact the way you think. you are not stupid and you are not dumb, you don’t need to try and feel worth attention because you are, try not to be bitter / jealous about people in other tracks because they did nothing wrong (unless they’re genuinely a jerk to you, then be bitter), it’s the system you need to be bitter with and your experience is just as valid, you deserve a break and don’t push yourself too hard, you don’t need to uphold any standards other than human decency.

okay yeah this got out of hand... hope this helps iuyfgyhuiuyguiohug

[kyutown]

Good evening my liege! 💖 I was intrigued to find out about you while diving deeper into tumblr hell so, I am here with a plead to ship me with nct and svt, of you'd be so kind ✨

Alright so for starters, I'm an infp! I'm a generally well-mannered person with people I meet for the first time, borderline sweet and awkward at the same time. I like not to overinvest in first meetings with people and sometimes I think I am somewhat defensive of myself. My emotions always show on my face, both the good and the bad ones. So if someone does say something that I find offensive or whatnot, it SHOWS. I generally hate rude and offensive people all together, as well as people who are vulgar if we're not well acquainted first.

I'm not good at starting conversations and I usually just tend to listen to my friends talk most of the time. It's not like I have nothing to say but I really like listening to my favorite people ramble on about things they love or generally talk about their lives. Im a pretty good listener and I am always objective, even with my family. I won't hold back and I will give you my honest opinion in every case. I always try to see from all perspectives, maybe that's why I'm often somewhat indecisive.

That being said, I really don't shut up about things I love or my hobbies. I'm usually the mood maker of the group as I hate conflict and tension. I am a very sarcastic and cynical person in general and that reflects on my humor, which can vary from vulgar to very dark and inappropriate. Yes, the type of person that will try to hold in their laughter cause I made a mental joke to a funeral. I love witty, stimulating and deep conversations. I'm not that big on casual chitchat but it's okay most of the time I guess.

I'm the personification of open-minded and im also quite opinionated and I can back up my arguments if needed but I tend to avoid getting into heated conversations cause again, my mind reads it as tension. I love being around friends doing nothing and everything but most of the time, I find alone time to be very healing for my mind and soul. I find authenticity and weird little quirks that people have extremely attractive. I'm somewhat stubborn as well.

I also used to have stress and anxiety issues, not anything serious but enough that I had trouble sleeping at night. It was just a few years ago that I decided to not care about every single thing and have a more of a "fuck that" approach in life and honestly, I've never imagined that it would be so liberating. I regained my confidence, physically and mentally, it was an empowering process! I really do believe that self-exploring and healing is the no1 most important thing that someone can do. Love yourself first and foremost and fck what anybody thinks.

So, moving on xD I am a romantic and soft deep down, even though I try not to show sad emotions when around people. But you can be sure I cry at random rescuing dog videos, or videos with people helping each other. I love humanity but hate it at the same time? 😂 Idk if that makes sense, it is what I feel lol I love to learn new random stuff! I'm currently studying linguistics and uni and I aim to be a translator or interpreter, cause i love languages and the cultural differences that come with it. Hence my undying love for music of different genres and languages! Music relaxes me and I couldn't imagine going on without it for more than 3 days. While I do tend to listen to kpop which is more upbeat and experimental, I also LOVE Latin music and rock. I love love traveling around the world! My hobbies include drawing which I'm self taught, fashion and creative writing! I tend to daydream A LOT during the day and so many ideas pop up in my head. I love exploring other cultures' religions and beliefs as well as mythology. I always found it fascinating. I love plants as well! My room is basically a garden xD I also love mystical but also borderline creepy and gory stuff xD I call skulls "pretty" the same way I would call a puppy "cute" 🤣 I'm aware οf that but I can't help but enjoy the look of horror in people's faces xD

oh, I really enjoy observing people as well! Not in a weird way! Their mannerisms, the way they speak, their features. I also love thriller and horror movies the most as well as dark social drama ones. You know, with murders, suicides etc I like how in even the tiniest ways they depict our society as people and frankly, it's sad but I try to be optimistic and keep a positive approach in life. I also really appreciate stand-up comedy xD

Closing up this huge essay, some last things xD I, and I cannot stress this enough, am unable to flirt. Like at all. I can't even maintain eye contact for more than two Seconds. I wish I was kidding. Sadly I'm not 😂Weird thing is, turns out I am actually able to flirt but I'm not aware I'm doing it?? I'm a master at text flirting apparently lololol. What I am, is also called DENSE AS SHIT when it comes to couple things. True story, if you want to do the freaky with your s/o and you need me to leave the room you better TELL ME RIGHT TO MY FACE or else, we gon be there aaaaall night xD And its actually a remarkable feature of mine, considering how dirty minded I usually am lol

I also think I'm touch starved sometimes, like I really like hugs and cuddling and teasing but I'm not gonna ask for it🥺I'm a night owl and I tend to procrastinate a lot. I can't work efficiently if there's not a deadline, like I need that pressure on me in order to function xD My weak spot is actually to act whiny and needy and cutely in front of me. I can do ANYTHING that u ask me of when this happens. And if I show any resistance, JUST KEEP IT UP. I'm jelly on the floor when this happens. Idfk why, it just works?? My sister is abusing the sht out of this method 😭I can't say I make friends easily, cause I believe I do come off as maybe off-putting or weird at times, plus as I said if you're really cant shove your conversation in my face the first time we meet, imma be just an awkward ball of giggles and smiles and "can I go home now pls" 🤣 My general aesthetic / vibes would be sunsets on beaches, soft grunge, cottage core, lofi and hedge witch aesthetics!

Okay so, I think that's everything and probably way more than u needed, so thank you for reading everything my stupid ass wrote❤️

hi! thank you for responding!

for nct, i think yuta would be a nice fit! yuta also likes rock as his favorite band is one ok rock which is a rock band. i feel like you guys would always listen to music (not always rock) and would enjoy making time go by like this!

for seventeen, i think you would match well with the8! the8 would be the type to enjoy exploring new cultures with you and new religions, he would also love to dress up with you and put together outfits with you!

[fandomtrash264]

I have some Fred and George promts that I don't want to forget so imma put them here. If you are interested in writting them, by all means go for it, just tag me. I don't think I have a preference over who is in each scenario. I will probably write George and Fred based on what I thought but they should work with either twin. I do think they are different, im just saying that I could see the story going with either boy

• Reader and Fred pull a prank on George that changes his hair color based on mood. (Red - angry, blue - sad, green - disgust, light pink - embarrassed, hot pink - flirty, purple - in love/swooning, dark purple -lust) The 3 are sitting in the great hall eating and George is staring at reader and his hair turns purple. Reader thinks he has just zoned out and starts to bug him asking who he is thinking about. Leads to confession (and I imagine he is embarrassed so his hair is pink)

• Reader is a metamorphmagus and they like to switch between male and female so they change their physical appearance as such. (I see Fred as bi ngl) Fred gets a crush on the reader without knowing they are both people. A little while later, he falls for the other side (if that makes sense) of them and thinks he likes 2 different people. He is super torn and has no idea what to do

•This one is a Soulmate AU. The one where you can hear the music your soulmate is listening to. Reader is listening to ✨🌶 S p i c y 🌶 ✨ music and he knows its reader and he is shocked because they don't seem like they would listen to it and he is pleasantly suprised to find they are super flirty and such (he is twin of your choice lol)

•Yet again, one of our boys gets pranked. They lie about something that makes reader upset so they prank them so that everytime they try to talk, bubbles come out instead and the only way to undo it is to do somthing super embarrassing (I'll leave that to y'alls imagination's) and they refuse because they are petty but they eventually give in with this big social stunt or smth

•i imagine reader is a Ravenclaw (could really be any) who is the child of Bellatrix and *Moldy Voldy* (why ravenclaw you ask? I'll explain) They are in George and Fred's year so they are older than Harry. Reader was rescued a little before Harry was born and got to stay with someone else (probably Remus or smth. I imagine a gryfinndor so that way the Slytherin and the Gryfinndor kinda cancel out so you get Ravenclaw. Slytherin is their blood but they know its wrong so they push for the good values. I know slytherins can be good [believe me, I am very big on the fact that not all Slytherins are evil] but when its Bella and Mr. Tom, they have some bad bones) and they keep it a secret from their friends (the twins, the trio, etc.) Until Remus brings them to an OoTP meeting. He doesn't say who he just says he is bringing He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named 's child and they are terrified of how their friends will react. Kinda angsty but eventually they all understand that reader isn't evil

• Branching off of the previous, same family situation but when they were younger, they weren't seen as a child, they were a weapon. Trixie and Tommy boy would experiment on them so they are lowkey fucked up. They are super powerful and struggle to control it. Reader freaks out because they are terrified that he will be able to control them or see in their mind and good 'ole Gred and Forge help our reader to feel better and reassure them

• Reader and a twin are dating in 7th year (With Umbridge) and instead of breaking up or telling them about the plan to start a shop, they just leave and break off all contact. Years later they see each other and reader confronts them about how he couldn't even break up with them before leaving and he confesses his worries. Inspired by the song Ways to Break a Heart by Maddie Zahm [you can find it on YouTube]

• Can happen to either the reader or George or Fred but somehow by prank or accident in class, they get separated into different parts of themselves [parts like the 7 deadly sins (so they would be split into Pride and Lust) but also other things work (like Fear and Wonder)] and the other 2 have to deal with it until the problem is fixed

• (I have a lot with the boys and pranks, sorry lol) the boys get de-aged and reader has to chase them around because they are H E A T H E N S but then later on they put them to sleep and the Love Interest (twin of choice) snuggles up to them and mentions how much they love them and reader gives it no mind because "he was a baby". They snuggle and when they wake up the boys are of normal age and the Love Interest just snuggles closer and says something like "I meant it y'know. I really do love you/think you're amazing" and just. Fluff

• (I wrote George, yet again, could work with either) Reader is playing with the sleeve/hem/string of George's sweater/hoodie and he quips with a flirty comment like "you want the whole thing? Here, give it back when it smells like you" and the reader brushes it off as a flirty comment and teases "how am I supposed to know what I smell like? I'm noseblind to myself" and he gives them a scent. The scent seems familiar to them but oh well. They wear it because its soft and it smells like him and later on when they are chilling in the common room or whatever (George isn't there) they realize that's what he said he smelt in his Amortentia in potions last week and they lowkey freak out and go to ask him about it and aaaah! Cute things ensue

• [!!!TW: Depression, suicidal thoughts!!!] Can happen to either reader or one of the boys.(If it happens to a boy i see it being George as he seems insecure of being in Fred's shadow and I will write the prompt that way but it works with Fred and reader as well) George has been a little off recently and reader and Fred can't figure out what it is until reader goes to the astronomy tower late one night and finds George on the roof of the atronomy tower, seemingly fighting with himself about whether or not he should jump off. Angst, ends with fluff, reader helps him to feel better. Inspired by the song Achilles Come Down - Gang of Youths

•During their 6th year with the Triwizard Tournament, a durmstrange gent takes a liking to the reader. They start to court the reader and flirt with them, give them lots of compliments, try to show their affection. The Love Interest (again, twin of choice) get REALLY jealous tho and decides to try and out-do the durmstrang boy. This leads to really extravagant methods of flirting (ex. Sending a howler that is actually a shower of compliments or after a big quidditch match, the whole team does a choreographed dance where the suitor sings/performs to reader) all of this leading up to the yule ball. They either go with the durmstrange guy and deal with Love Interest later or they end up going with the Twin, whatever you would like

• Everyone is at the Burrow and they decide to watch a movie. While everyone is in the kitchen, the twin (who is the Love Interest) comes by and says "Oh! Are you guys watching a movie?" Readet replies "Yeah, P.S. I Love you" and he just blushes really hard and sits next to them and says "I love you too". Reader doesn't know how of if they are gonna tell him that "P.S. I Love You" is the name of the movie. Then everyone else comes back in so they have to wait until after the movie to talk about it. The whole time the movie is going all they can focus on are the "I Love You"s that escaped each others mouths. Inspired by a wolfstar text post by @starsandmoonys

• Inspired by the drarry work, Mental by sara_holmes on Ao3 (which you should totally go read like holy shit i love this idea sooooo much) written with George but as usual, can work with either. Reader is in for total shock when a joke gone sour ends with George striking them with a bad Legilimency spell. Due to this spell, they can (and have to) hear each others thoughts and see the pictures in each other's minds. What will happen when they see all that goes on in each others heads? Will they learn to communicate? Will they let one another in? Will they like who they see, or will they be scared away from the thoughts behind closed eyes?

• (TW!!!!: Dreamt character death, War) Fred and reader have been friends-with-benefits for a long time with feelings slowly growing between the 2 of them. They stay in denial until Fred has a nightmare one day where reader dies in the war. The next day he is desperate to hold them and see that they are okay. He confesses his feelings in fear of losing them. Inspired by Woke the Fuck Up - Jon Bellion

• [(TW!!! War) Fred lives] Fred and Reader had a huge fight right before Fred and George left Hogwarts and leave things on a rocky ending. Fred knows just how much he needs Reader and he desperately wants them back. Reader doesn't want to admit it but they miss him.and want him back too. They see each other again after the war and Fred breaks down in their arms and confesses how much he misses them and needs them. How hard it has been without them. Reader reciprocates these feelings and tells him. They start over, slowly building their love up again inspired by Bad Habit - Ben Platt [First verse and Pre-chorus would be Fred's feelings and second verse and Pre-chorus would be Reader. They blend on the 3rd]

• George has been strangely quiet all day. Reader is confused and a little hurt as George seems to avoid them. Leaving rooms when they walk in, not keeping eye contact and staying as physically far as he can. That is until they sit down in the great hall for lunch and Fred tells his friends (including reader) all about having put a truth serum in George's drink and all the funny things he has gotten him to admit. Reader goes to confront George about what he is hiding (because otherwise he would talk to them, right?) And they get an oddly specific but touching confession [ie. "I borrow your chapstick because that is what your lips will taste like" and "I see you in my dreams almost every night" ] inspired by Jenny - Studio Killers

• [Choose whether the person who can dance is reader or Twin of Choice. I will be writting with reader] The yule ball is coming up and reader can't dance to save their life. A certain red-heades friend comes in to help. At first, reader doesn't believe him because "c'mon, why would you know how to ballroom dance?" But they are pleasantly suprised to find they are actually really good at it. Like, REALLY good. "Mum made all of us learn. In case we ever needed it". Reader notices their feelings start to change as they spend more and more sessions together dancing until the yule ball occurs. Take it from there lol

• just a very cliche typical love potion fic. Reader volunteers to be on the receiving end of one of Fred and George's pranks- spike their drink with love potion- on one condition. The person reader will be in love with, knows about it. Reader figures this will allow them some leeway and safety against other pranks. All is going well until they spike the drink for reader to like (twin of your choice) and they realize that nothing has happened except they are a bit more flirty. Everyone is crazy confused because for everyone else they were head over heels swooning and attached at the hip until Hermionie (or somebody else) quips in with "You can't create something that already exists, y'know".

• So this one is less creative and it's also a mix of 2 tropes but bear with me. Reader is a very outgoing flirtatious type of person. They openly flirt with everyone, Fred, Ginny, Neville, Dean, etc. They don't care, its a way they show affection. Then, when they start to get a crush on George (or Fred) they star getting more shy and reserved with him. And he is completely clueless. He's lowkey hurt because "why doesn't Y/n crack jokes like that with me?" And shit like that. He is feeling down when he sees it. No, not 'it', he sees you. You and Fred flirting. He's got you cornered to the wall and your cheeks are flushed and George is big mad. (When really, Fred just cornered them so they couldn't avoid the question and was teasing and asking about their crush on George). George ends up seeing out Y/n, getting them alone and confronting them. Light angst? But ends fluffy as reader explains what actually happened

*im going to keep updating this as I get more ideas so be prepared*

[system-of-a-feather]

System Tag Meme

I was tagged by @thepeanutsystem. Imma tag uh.... @thedoesystem​, @persecutor-recovery​, @bolderwords​, @reveriesystem​, @aqua---regia​, @that-one-system​, @unoriginal-hostess​, @the-dissociated-bones​, @lemon-system​, and anyone else that really wants to do this~

Ignore my weird bullet point method of answering these because like XD It looked nice for whatever reason

If your system has a name, what is it called?

We go by both “System of a Feather” and “Feathery System” primarily. It is a double reference to the core aspect of loving birds / having bird like behaviors that some of the members in our system have by both having the “feather” part and because a weird way of describing a bird is a “System of Feathers”. 

It is also a reference to the saying / joke that I used to say to some of the system when talking about DID advocacy that “Systems of a Feather stick together” in reference to the “Birds of a feather flock together.” This is both to say that members of a system that belong to the same body / feather should work together and that individuals with DID are “systems of a feather” or “birds of a feather” and that it is best that we work together to change how DID is seen by many rather than working against one another.

How many alters are in your system? Do you have any subsystems?

Currently I think we have.... 10 alters? We had a few new discovered members that are dormant since Ray and another alter that isn’t on this blog have mentioned things. We thought we might have a subsystem within myself, Iris, and another alter - but I am starting to doubt that. Save for perhaps the theory that myself and the other alter might be a subsystem of 2.

Who’s the host (and co-host, if you have one?)

That would be me- mwuah. Name’s Riku.

If you’re in school/have a job, who gets stuck with doing the most work?

Both myself and Lucille depending on our mental health at the time and the topics that we are studying. Typically if we have any too heavy stem classes like Organic Chemistry (or really anything Chemistry related since I hate it and Lucille is good at it) then usually it sways more to Lucille where as if it is more psych or animal science based, it’s more in my grounds.

How many protectors do you have? What are their name(s)?

There are a lot that could be argued to be protectors. We typically branch protectors into more specified roles since most of us would be considered protectors if we didn’t - myself and our little included. But for the sake of this question, we have three *main* protectors that kind of serve as over arching protecting roles and they are Lucille, Ray, and Aderis. I think Kira might also count, but I haven’t caught up on his role lately.

Lucille primarily is an interpersonal, emotional, and like general life responsibility protector (finances, substitute host, academics, hygiene, cleaning, physical health, diet, injuries). Ray is a trauma, stress, and generally dangerous situation / extreme emotions and abuse focused protector. Aderis used to have Ray’s job and another job we won’t state that she has primarily retired from, but she still does pick up on a lot of internal protecting and motherly duties.

Alters have their separate interests, but there any interests that all of you share?

We all generally like birds to my knowledge and all of us have an affinity and preference to have music around us. I think all of us also generally do care about the well being of others.

What’s your favorite part of your headspace? Why is it your favorite?

Well back when I used to regularly enter it, I’d probably say a really weird zero-gravity forest in an area of the inner world that was focused on escapism. It was just a weird area that I found amusing to visit. To be honest though, may it be because its the only place I can currently regularly enter and maybe its because I got used to it being my home, but I really enjoy the void that makes up the front. Like I realize it might be really boring and scaring if someone were to randomly spawn here but I find it really relaxing to just chill in an empty void of white nothingness :v

What does everyone argue over the most?

We don’t really argue over anything specific? Everyone argues about different things depending on what combo, but nothing in specific is a constant argument. I’d need to see which pair to say what is the most common arguing point.

Which headmate do you get along with the best?

Ah shit that’s fucking hard XD Lucille is probably my best “bro” and best friend, our little is my precious child that I was split off to protect and care for so she’s close to my heart, Ray is my literal asshole of a brother, and Aderis is my ex that we go back so like.... I really don’t know XD I feel bad for say this but I still think Lucille is probably the one I get along with the best with the least arguments or tensions?

What’s the most annoying thing alters do when they front?

Okay I just complimented how well we get along, but I’m still mad that he did a lecture I wanted to do yesterday. Yeah we’re nerds and the asshole trolled me by completing a lecture when I told him explicitly not to since I wanted to multitask today but no, he wanted to learn about hormones and behavior smh. >:v I mean there is not a consistent most annoying thing. 

If I were to be serious, it would be this whole rebellious streak Ray started up within the system of everyone doing very small small minor annoying things to remind me that they exist, that I am not faking, and also just to make me mad. “Who listens to the host anyways smh” is this group meme he’s started in the system XD Its not actually a problem since everything they do is really small things I said not to do and cause I’m a bit of a control freak sometimes and its kind of humorous and a good self check - but yeah

Okay nevermind, that isn’t even a serious response since I kind of find it amusing. There are a lot of things that they do individually, but I don’t think I would call most of it “annoying” as much as inconvenient - at least at the place of communication that we’ve gotten to. Few alters act too out of line to really be annoying beyond like.... moving my shit to places I can’t find, eating my food, and similar. That is probably literally the only actually annoying thing

Who goes to bed the latest when they front?

FUCKING ADERIS. Ahem. I mean Aderis. I don’t know if it is because she tends to front somewhat late at night and has this “lol I am not going to sleep right when I front fuck that” nature, but I think like, most of the time if this body is up at 4 AM or 5 AM it is probably Aderis that was out.

Who has the best taste in music?

Yes.

To be honest I think Lucille and myself in my personal opinion, but I am pretty sure we all would argue otherwise.

Free space! Tell us a random fact about your system

We are all very extra in dressing / fashion internally, but due to my cheap ass nature and laziness, 85% of the time, this body wears whatever is convenient. Only recently with Ray and Aderis complaining have we gotten somewhat stylized clothing. The other 10% is days I randomly decide to dress up in formal / professional wear cos I love it, and the 5% is the days when someone else switches early enough to choose our clothes for the day.

-Riku (Host)

[xreallyanythingx]

.

im usually not sensitive about this stuff but idk a bit has happened that kinda made me think about this..

I always have trouble making friends lol. Like since elementary, my vibe just put people off and I never knew why. Wasnt till high school where i realized that ‘damn lol im annoying as hell.’ And its not event that type of annoying where people always say “omg im so annoying >.<” when in reality they’re just obnoxious. I am the type of annoying where like just looking at me people dont fuck with me. When people hear my extremely corny jokes, they dont like me. When I talk about stuff I like, they dont like me. Literally everything I do, some people just really really dont like me nor do they try to hide it.

Idk if its just the type of people I’ve met in my life but its always like that. Explains why my social anxiety rocketed threw the roof cause im okay with people not liking me but like the type of people who dont like me, usually have a huge stigma against me and go out of their way to tell me constantly (in hints or straightforward). 

Time has moved on though and I really moved on from that feeling. How I approach people now is honestly with no filter? I used to hide my sense of humor before, I would act differently but now its like, imma just show you the real me right now and if you’re put off with it then oh well lol. I havent made a lot of new friends like this but it has saved me the trouble of having to constantly wacth myself with people. I met this girl who was actually pretty cool cause like she seemed to enjoy my humor but then I was putoff from her attitude against white people which is a whole diffrent story. N E WAYS, i just kinda like my way of approaching people cause like if i can connect with someone like that, then ? like what more is there to it. I found a friend lol. 

This has been on my mind cause i’ve made ALOT of new friends online and when I did my method, i found the people who fw me and those who dont. But since its a whole ass gc, I cant just like avoid those people nor can they avoid me so im back to  constantly watching over what I say and making sure I dont act too much like myself. And I guess since I havent done that in a while, its like tiring, Its not as fun as talking to my friends as before cause im worrying bout these other people going off on me. idk lol. I love myself so im good with who I am, its just tiring. 

[theboykingofhell]

(acting anon from earlier!!) i read ur whole thing and its FILLED with rly good info ty!! im british and im looking to start getting into acting but i always shyed away from it in schools etc cause there's always be a dance side to it and :/ no ty id rather eat nails than dance ever. but im rly interested in the acting techniques n stuff u mentioned and id defo read as many posts abt it as u wanted to write :0 ty for your time!!

OK YEAH now that i actually have time and by that i mean i have no time there’s like three things i’m supposed to be doing rn but i want to stall starting them lmfao I’MMA TALK MORE ABOUT THIS RN

imma be real i cant remember all the things i mentioned in that post i wrote and i cant be bothered to go back and look so IF YOU EVER HAVE A SPECIFIC QUESTION LITERALLY ASK ME ANY TIME

oooooooooooh... yeah.. love... babe.... go to acting schools lol it’s not even JUST the fact that they literally teach you how to act but. you. need to network. god. especially since you ARE british, acting schools are very important because a lot of companies will pretty much hire you based on what school you went to. just the short amount of time i was there made this VERY obvious that it is VERY hard to get picked up by a company if you haven’t gone to school, and getting picked up by a company is how you get consistent theater work for YEEEEEEARS...!!! also, usually a school will give you a rly good chance to network by having some sort of showcase at the end where you can get in contact with a bunch of agents and the more famous the school, the more agents see your work and try and help you out!!!!

and, like... the whole dance bit is just a hurdle you’re gonna have to jump. it’s def rly important to just partipate in the classes, you don’t have to be GOOD but it gives you just that little bit of awareness over your body and your movement that you might not have had before and that’s rly important, especially on the stage!! i felt the same way about singing but, man, the more you work at it, the more mangeable it gets. and you don’t want to have this grudge on you forever because it’ll really limit your work :/

but i mean man you don’t actually have to, there’s no set way to become an actor! if you find work, you have that work, it doesn’t matter how you get there t b h. i just think it helps and the more skills you acquire, the better of a chance you have to get that work...

(i RLY suggest lamda, it’s a hard school get into but it’s one of the best if not the best and also the education is beautiful and ALSO lamda-trained actors get the most consistent work because the uk just nuts all over itself about lamda-trained actors)

BUT YEAH. ACTING TECHNIQUES. GONNA FINALLY ADD A CUT LOL

i’m only gonna talk about these vaguely cuz tbh i’m not as ~studied~ as i should be because i’ve been far too lazy until now to actually sit down and read acting textbooks but HERE’S THE GIST....

stanislavsky is like... pretty much the most well-known most taught acting technique. so many of the other techniques you learn BUILDS on his work. there’s a huge range of shit that he’s got to offer because his and later similar teachings are SO focused on realism (which tbh is a very new thing in acting), but some of the most important is stuff like emotional recall and objective work aaaaand character building by using yourSELF and projecting it onto the character. it’s a very psychological form of acting and it’s... MY BASIS but not actually my fave!

now, a lot of parts of it is very useful. emotional recall, for one, is SUPER nice. it’s a very good way to build that vulnerability up, tear down a lot of walls and explore how to summon emotions up....

my first exercise with stanislavsky, i remember them making us lie down and pretty much meditate, and then you listened as the teacher described a bunch of things: your favorite beach as a child and what it felt like, all these sensory memories about the smells and tastes and sights of the beach. and then it moved on to the night of your first kiss, your first love, and then your first loss. a nice basic range of basic emotions, and then you build on that.

stanislavsky (and stuff like uta hagan who wrote a RLY great book that i havent finished reading yet but it’s a GREAT way to rly build on the technique) rly encourages taking yourself and putting it into the character. SO!!!! if your character is going through their first break-up, summon the feelings and memories of your first break-up and push that into your lines, so on and so forth.

the big criticism with stanislavsky and all the techniques like them is that it COULD be very unhealthy for you... considering it’s all about reliving and reliving old memories. and i agree, i mean, one of my favorite plays and one of my monologues of choice for auditions is from a play where the main character is kidnapped and raped, and i’ve been kidnapped and raped before so i am CONSTANTLY and purposely triggering myself just to perform that monologue well. THAT AIN’T RIGHT! helps tho! 

(stuff like method acting falls under stanislavsky and his successors strasberg and stella adler, so....! you can see why not everyone fucks with it)

MY criticism about stanislavsky, which is why it doesn’t work as much for me, is that it’s very VERY heavily text-based. uhhh THIS IS LONG ALREADY SO SOMEONE SEND AN ASK ABOUT OBJECTIVES AND I’LL EXPLAIN but they want you to do a lot in the moment that makes it very distracting if you don’t have this process pinned down and that’s AGGRAVATING FOR ME ANYWAY

chekov is another technique that’s interesting, again not a fave but VERY helpful. this one builds character more from the outside in, it’s all about like... a lot of very subtle details that you can add to the background to add color to your performances. a lot of it is about atmospheres, attitudes, body language, and how that affects your character and how your character is thinking through the scene. it’s VERY reactionary and very fun because you don’t have to think NEARLY as much. 

pretty much you form... gestures, or moods for your characters, and instead of perfoming an ‘action’ (stanislavsky thingy, i’ll explain that in another post i guess), you’re using this ‘gesture’ to explain yourself. it is far FAR more abstract than stanislavsky, which is a lot more technique and exact, and it’s very vague, which does make it very hard for people. it also doesn’t stress realism like stanislavsky and company does, so it’s not as popular at the moment!

 meisner technique is my second favorite technique and kind of hard to explain because i haven’t rly gotten a comprehensive course in it yet besides a few workshops and activities, but it’s a technique that stresses STRESSES ‘listening’. that’s something you hear a lot as an actor, it’s one of the hardest things to really get but it’s also, truly, the essence of good acting. you can’t be a good actor if you don’t listen, because if you don’t listen, you’re not in the moment, and if you’re not IN the moment, you’re just... reciting lines!!!

it’s so hard to explain so i’mma link a cute video i just found because it shows a lot of variety and also shows the actors messing up a lot and it’s cute omfg

it focuses a lot of repetition (either of the same one line for each person or they’re both doing the same line back and forth) which forces the actor to not think about what’s being said but how it’s being said. you’re stuck in the moment because you KNOW what you’re gonna say, you don’t have to worry about saying anything else, all you gotta worry about is what the other person does and how you’re gonna react to it. if they suddenly start screaming in your face UHH YOU’RE GONNA SCREAM BACK HOW DARE YOU? and it’s automatic and SO natural and that’s why i love it, because you don’t have to THINK through it. you don’t rly think through your life like they make you do in other techniques, so i adore the ability to not have to do that on stage.

however i’ve never gotten far enough in the technique to find out how to apply it to a set script but it might just be about building that openness to just... DO and BE and let whatever happens happens, which is NICE

LAST THING THAT I’LL TALK ABOUT IS FUCKING GROTOWSKI YE  S. ok so a lot of techniques overlap, so by this i’m also talking about lecoq and peter brook’s acting techniques. it’s all physical theatre which is all about the GROTEQUE and like UGH there’s so many fascinating things honestly just google ‘theatre of cruelty’ because it’s FASCINATING

the emphasis is... not rly on realism altho the acting i’ve seen come out of it is the most realistic i’ve seen? it’s rly gritty and about accessing the most... EXTREME of emotions, it’s about rly grasping human nature and twisting it and bringing it on stage. peter brook especially (who has a book called the empty stage or something like that that i got to read) stresses that... theatre shouldn’t be about costumes and sets and whatever, it should be just about the actor, and that you can do a PERFECTLY GOOD show with a completely empty stage, with just the actor in the center.

it also has an emphasis on YANKING the audience into the show and being very interactive and like... nothing’s held back, it should be hard to watch, THEATRE SHOULD BE CATHARTIC AND FUCKED UP AND YES.

so physical theatre involves pulling emotions from the body through your movement. life isn’t just about the mind, after all, your body holds emotions through it, there’s chemicals and hormones and what your body does on its own and against other bodies and just. again, hard to explain so HERE’S SOME COOL VIDS THAT SHOWS DIFFERENT TECHNIQUES AND COMPARES THEM ALL

i lied there’s one more technique i wanna mention: it’s called alba emoting! it, again, builds on the idea that trying to access emotions through the brain is UNHEALTHY AND DANGEROUS and that you can, instead, try and access it through the body! how???? cuz emotions are PHYSICAL. you feel sadness and anger and love and whatnot in your gut and chest and through your head and all through every nerve in your body, right????? so why not try and mimic that for the stage???

it’s SUPER COOL because! what you do with alba emoting is: affix yourself a certain way. it involves certain body postures or positions, certain expressions sometimes... EVERY time it depends upon a different breathing pattern... and all you gotta do is do it. and your body doesn’t know better, it gets tricked into it...!

so, if i were to alba emote fear... it’s hard to describe through text rather than do it but this one might be the clearest one... part of the positioning is to have your hands up in front of you, as if you’re trying to ward someone off or shield yourself. you have your mouth open, you have your eyes stuck to the floor in a submissive sort of way, (there’s more that i cant describe but then) you start to make yourself hyperventilate by taking short, quick breaths through your mouth. after a few seconds of this, your body just starts SHOOTING adrenaline through you because it starts thinking WHOA SOMETHING BAD’S HAPPENING I’M AFRAID?FUCKFUCKFUCK

and that continues until you stop! you can stop at any time and then just go. you get left with a ‘residue’ (which is very chekov in nature in that it ‘colors’ your performance) where you can just act and do the lines and do your actions (stanislavsky) without worrying about needing to push any fear into yourself because it’s THERE, it’s PRESENT and whatever happens in the scene will either alliviate it or make it worse!!!

it’s a BEAUTIFUL way to prepare for a scene right before you go on stage too omg. last semester we were doing julius ceasar, and there was a scene where i had to play a servant who just witnessed a murder and just. go in and beg for my life and the life of my master. so i did the fear emote, and then my friend (playing my master at the moment) decided to talk to me in character and give me the order to throw myself in front of the murderers and LMFAO by the time i ran on there i was like fucking in tears i was so terrified HA

THERE ARE SO MANY MORE TOO IT’S SO FUN YOU JUST GOTTA GO AND SEE WHAT WORKS FOR YOU WHOO!!!!!! HOPE THIS WAS FUN AND HELPFUL YES

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: Now the light falls

This week, @lunar--resonance​ stopped by to talk about their Resbang, Now the light falls! Here’s some of what went down!:

Q: What inspired this fic?

Lunar: makapedia sent me a prompt for Ghost AU back in 2015 and I wrote this: http://lunar--resonance.tumblr.com/post/119962051400/41-for-soma-o. I had so much fun with the prompt that I started a notes file on it and it got so long that I was like, yeah I have to split this up into different fics. I knew from the beginning it was gonna be a trilogy, and I have basically all of the plot points planned out for each fic which is why there are some things that go unexplained in Now the night falls. Some of what I wrote for the original prompt differs from the actual fic but that was where it all got started. :D The plot went through many drafts and revisions ahah. What I envisioned when I wrote the prompt is v different from the fic. I had a draft running before Resbang started and then I hit a rut so I had to take it to pieces and regroup halfway through so that was fun.

Q: I want to know if Soul actually made Hiro's pudding explode cause he was jelly or if it was just Hiro being Hiro.

Lunar: Soul got jelly, but he didn't mean to make the pudding explode lmao.

Q: I'm super hype that this AU will have more stuff! I was like "they didn't answer a bunch of questions, this universe is super huge and well developed." "IMMA ASK ABOUT A SEQUEL!"

Lunar: YES I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THE WORLDBUILDING AND YOU WILL SEE A LOT OF THAT IN THE SEQUEL. Esp with Ghostbusters squad. I'm so excited for them to play a bigger role in the sequel.

Q: What was your favorite part to write?

Lunar: I really liked writing when Maka and Soul are out on the roof because that's one of the first times they truly connect. And I was really looking forward to writing the possession scenes lmao, like I had that planned way back in the earliest drafts. I had to do it. And it's also going to be a big plot point in the sequels. ;D

Q: The roof scene made my heart burst.

Lunar: The roof scene was one of the most emotional scenes I wrote and at first it was originally slanted that Maka was the only one going through anxiety stuff but after one of the revisions, I made it so Soul was also going through stuff (for secret plot reasons) so it was interesting to write two characters who are both very not okay support each other.

Q: What have you learned from participating in Resbang for three... years? FOUR?

Lunar: I participated in Resbang when it first started which was in 2013 I think?? So four years. WOW THAT'S A LONG TIME. I would definitely say that my writing process has been developed and refined so much, I basically had just begun to write when Resbang #1 rolled around so basically my process was just WRITE. Now I actually list and plan everything out in plot instead of being like, oh I didn't know the story was going this way. Which happens sometimes still lol, just not as much.

Q: What was your process like?

Lunar: For writing I like to go through things chronologically because my brain allows no other alternative so generally I make an outline of the main points I want for each scene. Generally snippets of what I'm envisioning come alive during that part so I also jot those down and by the end my doc is a trainwreck so I re-organize and that really helps me cement the timeline for the scene/chapter. Then I start writing and if I hit a rut then usually what I do is force myself to write in bullet points of what I want to go down but just....can't find the words. Because I know if I stop writing I'm just going to be staring at a blank page for two hours lol. OH AND MUSIC. That is super essential for me getting into the headspace of a character. I can't write without it.

Q: Do you have playlists you'd like to share? Or general artists you listened to a lot?

Lunar: I didn't make playlists because I would have procrastinated with that instead of writing but I basically listened to these songs on repeat while I wrote: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwx6BNwXBaA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VBc7VIibRA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so8V5dAli-Q http://listenonrepeat.com/?v=7FDAkpQSJVA#Fountain_soundtrack_-_Death_is_the_road_to_awe. With the exception of Control all of them are instrumental, which helps bc sometimes lyrics can get distracting.

Q: Is the pudding exploding an HP reference?

Lunar: YEAH THE PUDDING WAS AN HP REFERENCE LMAO.

Q: That bullet point thing is neat! Do you find it helps you to get out of your rut when you're having a hard time with a scene?

Lunar: The bullet points help SO MUCH. From past experience I know if I run into a block its going to take me forever to get out of it, so forcing myself to write and flesh out the scene def gets my inspiration going again. Breaking out of blocks is such a difficult struggle x.x It wasn't until my last Resbang fic that I figured out the bullet point method was the way to go lol.

Q: Did you have to do any extra research for this fic, and if so, what kinds of things did you look into?

Lunar: Working out the different levels of ghosts and how they evolve into each other took some research, I only hinted at it somewhat in the story but ghosts and the poltergeists are related as well as other ghosts that we haven't seen yet ahah. Also names of places like Orcus Hollow. I put some research into that bc symbolism and future plot points. Supernatural stuff was the main thing tho.

Q: Did anything inspire that sort of in between world with all the spiderwebs?

Lunar: Mmm so the in-between world is the new witches' realm; it's kinda like its own dimension overlaid on ours. So Arachne's part of the realm is overlaid on Orcus Hollow which was why there were all the spiderwebs and spider beasts and is also why Soul and Maka ended up in the same place in that dimension.

Q: That's v neat - looking forward to seeing it play out in later parts of the series. ;)

Lunar: Me too. ;v; There was so much that I put into developing this universe but there's only a fraction revealed bc the story is only from Maka's POV (with the interlude being the exception) but in the sequel I know for sure I'm going to be switching between Soul and Maka pretty evenly and adding in some other characters' POVS as well. So that will be fun ahah. I've been working on the sequel and there is gonna be angst. The obvious conflict is that Maka is alive and Soul is not but there is other pain that I kinda hinted on in the story that will be a much bigger part of the two sequels, especially this upcoming one. I have like, one happy ending and several sad ones ahahahah.

Q: What was the most rewarding aspect of this Resbang for you?

Lunar: Ahhhhhh there were so great things but I really enjoyed bouncing ideas with my artists, they helped keep my inspiration up. Also after being haunted (haha) by this idea for so long I was excited/nervous to see what people would think and if it lived up to expectations or not.

Q: I'm still waiting for ghost fam to make a reappearance. Q: Same. What happened to ghost fam? Except jk we will probably find out in the sequels, I hope.

Lunar: I LOVED GHOST FAM. I GOT INVESTED LOL. That was one part I meant to not go in much detail in but I realized it was needed to explain Maka's issues with ghosts later on. AND YEAH YOU WILL FIND OUT IN THE SEQUEL. ;D

Q: Are we gonna get to see more of Soul learning about modern things? Cause that was one of my favorite little details of the fic.

Lunar: That was a fave detail of mine too ahah. I have sections that I wasn't able to fit in the story of Soul experiencing riding in a car and going to the mall for the first time. I'm debating whether to see if I can work it into a prompt for SoMa week?? Or just finish and publish them lmao. It will get published one way or the other lol.

Q: Whats your [worldbuilding] process? Have you developed and tricks or hacks?

Lunar: Generally I start out with: what is necessary for the plot, especially from a reader's perspective? In answering that question, it's very easy to expand on that and develop from there. Like, for example I knew that Soul was going to be a unique kind of ghost so I figured out what kind of ghost he was, then built on that to make the other levels of ghosts you see in the story and in the sequels.

Q: Where did [that] idea come from?

Lunar: I was rewatching the episode of Maka and Soul facing off free while they were fighting and the part where Maka is like, is Soul trying to eat my soul, made me think about the process of becoming a kishin in canon. And I was inspired and borrowed from that in making the different levels of ghosts in Ghost AU.

Q: How'd it spiral into a trilogy? Was that always the plan?

Lunar: The plan was always a trilogy from the get-go; when I was initially planning out everything, I knew that all of the plot points weren't going to fit into one fic, but luckily there were two breaks within the plot points that made it easy to section it into a trilogy.

---

Big thanks to Lunar for stopping by!!! Stay tuned for more transcripts!

[m00nlady]

All of the NSFW questions!

GOD THANK YOU

1:When did you lose your virginity

The day after I turned 18! 

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

Rough usually, or alternating 

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

Oh, not really. I feel it’s pretty usual stuff.

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

Definitely outside in a national forest! 

5: Favorite sex position?

Usually missionary with my legs over their shoulders and/or one of their hands around my throat. 

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

Submissive, all the way.

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

Yes!

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

Honestly? Floor.

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Hell yeeeeeee

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Never!

11: What does your favorite sexy underwear look like?

They’re black & lacy, they make my ass look like the goddamn gift it is.

12: How often do you have sex?

That always varies.

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

Duhhhhh 

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Imma say both.

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

Omfg. So, my last boyfriend and I were about to fuck. It was literally ABOUT TO HAPPEN, condom on & everything. He pauses and kind of moves my hips to the side a bit. He looks at me & says, “Okay, I don’t want you to be embarrassed.” I was like FUCK MY PERIOD IS STILL HAPPENING AND I BLED ON MY BED. Lmfaoooo it turns out there was a clump of brown embroidery floss under me from a project I had been working on. He didn’t have his glasses on sooooo he thought it was something else hahahaha 

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

Honestly I don’t even pay attention 

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?

Anything by HONNE. Try it. You’ll thank me. 

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

Sure!

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?

Shower. Bath sounds messy.

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be?

Honestly? An ex from two years ago.

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you?

I haven’t! I just talked about a possible one yesterday, though.

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

I have, and I’d do it again!

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

Lmfao always

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

Probably not.

25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)

Nothing particular that I do every single time, no. Well, no, I usually text @kennnybell about it lmfao

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

A firm hand around my throat.

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

Why not both?

28: Favorite body part on the opposite sex?

Hands, usually.

29: Favorite body part on the same sex?

Waist/hips!

30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

I don’t really have anything like that tbh

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

Once, I had a guy cum all over my chest and then slurp it all off of me.

32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

Yeah! It was okay lol

33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

If you’re in a committed relationship and you’re on birth control & both of you are clean, sure. Just be careful still. 

34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

Lmfao Velveeta cheese idk

35: Worst possible time to get horny:

While I’m on air lol

36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans?

god, yeah.

37: How much fapping is too much fapping:

Well, if it starts to impact the rest of your life, that’s probably too much lol

38: Best sexual complement you ever got:

Honestly I take it as a huge compliment that no one lasts very long in doggy style with me, because my ass is so fucking nice.

39: Favorite foreplay activities:

Looking at memes and then making out

40: What do you wear to bed?

Usually a sports bra and panties

41: When was the first time you masturbated:

Omg I was in elementary school I think

42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

Not really tbh

43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

It’s been over a year! I need that in my life again!

44: Have/would you ever have sex in public?

Hell yee, I live for that shit.

45: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

I wouldn’t rule it out completely.

46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

A back massager lmfao

47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

Eh I have before, it’s okay

48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not)

I do! It’s cool to be 100% focused on one person.

49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

Oh god, just take me now.

50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

I kind of want to tbh, for selfish reasons.

51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN YOUR VAGINA. NO GO.

52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

Prostitute, no doubt.

53: Do you watch porn?

Yes even though I know it’s bad :/ 

54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

Yeeeee, mostly because I like to fuck in places I’m not allowed to.

55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

Not really 

56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

Not really!

57: If you could give yourself head, would you?

Hell yeah lmao why not

58: Booty or Boobs?

Boobs, probably

59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

No.

60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do?

Mostly make more money and have more respect/power

61: have you ever watched someone masturbate?

Yais 

62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate?

I don’t think so

63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed?

All tha time

64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitoral, prostate)

Clitoral, my dude

65. What is your bra/penis size?

36DD I think?

66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus?

The dick of my ex’s roommate

67. When was the last time you masturbated?

The other day

68. When was the last time you had sex?

god it’s been about a month

69. When was the last time you watched porn?

The other day

70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do?

Yeah! I don’t remember that shit tho

71. Guys:Circumsized?

72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched?

My neccckkkkk

73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched?

My pussy/??????????

74. Girls:Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation?

No :/

75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr?

Probably

76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream?

A couple nights ago

77. Which wet dream was your favorite?

Fuck I don’t remember 

78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with?

Absolutely lmao

79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with?

Absolutely dude

80. Favorite sexual position?

We’ve already talked about this

81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed?

Eh it’s ok

82. Are you into any BDSM?

A little!

83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why?

OH yeah, several different people.

84. Do you like dirty talk?

To an extent.

85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation?

I can be loud during sex, but I don’t say shit when I masturbate.

86. Have you ever been inturrupted during sex or masturbation? Who/what?

I have during sex! My aunt called one time and I answered it while he was still in there lol

87. What kind of porn do you like to watch?

Ugh I don’t know

88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them?

89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them?

Yais

90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them?

Yes, I have lol

No I don’t talk to them

91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial?

Yes I have! You have to do it right though

[sanguinesprout]

@0@.... x3x... ;u; I did something kinda good today... and also dredging up some backstory and some notes about my family... [Repost 090517]

Welp, I just finished a phone call to a referral service for a therapist person. And... and!! It was hella hard, awkward and nerve wracking, but I... I did it! :D I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, because there’s a chance it may not turn out too well or have that much of an impact, but it will hopefully give me more direction at least. Maybe it could even be something I could write about here as I go along, to record my progress in my own words, it’d be something to encourage and give me a reason to post more hmm... Anyways okay, don’t be overly expectant or think too or far ahead, silly self. I just wanna relish in the fact I did something I usually have so much trouble with, phone calls, and the fact that the subject was even harder this time (with all those deep personal questions that I have never expressed to anyone before), feels like I played a harder stage of the anti-avoidance game and levelled up a little hehe :3 (I’ve been calling to make appointments at the doctors for physical health quite a lot since last year and my phone service provider and a few other things like that which has actually helped me feel a little less anxious about phone calls, so exposure to fears does work! It’s just you have to start small and sometimes some pressure and force is needed to get the gears going~! So if I post more, then posting should get easier too, right!? It’s so difficult to bring the confidence to write, post and not just want to delete everything, but I’ll keep trying..! >:3)

I had been wanting to see a therapist again for a long time but obviously my avoidance and kind of blah past experiences got in the way of that. I have been to see a therapist (I think?) before in my days at both college and university, but this time feels more serious and is under the medical services sort of thing, so I have a bit more hope for it. Looking back to those times though, I am kind of proud of myself, because I tried, and not even once but twice in this instance and also there were many other times I pushed myself to do things to benefit myself and my health, because I knew I was struggling. I would give my past self a good pat on the head if I could. It’s so strange, me then and me now feel so different even though the same troubles remain, I feel like I’m an entirely different person somehow and I often wonder how I was able to conjure such courage and drive to improve back then (though I guess it’s because the situations were different, and the fact that I had some friends to talk to then and I was not physically ill to the extent I am now is probably also a big factor *sigh*).

Anyways, I know that even if I try my best to encourage myself to change my thinking, it would be nowhere near as effective or eloquent as the help of a specialist, so I had to take the initiative to get this train to healthier thinking up and running asap, hence me finally pursuing a therapist again. This time imma try much harder to get better! :U

I actually already requested and was referred to a therapist 2 years ago but never went through with it and the person on the phone today was able to pull up this information of course (though I mentioned it to them too), but it just helped to prove my avoidant-ness which was kind of good in a way I guess lol. The reason I didn’t continue with the past referral is because of some things my mum said. (Hmm.. I was writing a post about my family and their influence on me but I guess I’ll try and merge it into this post.) What happened was a letter was sent to my house explaining that I had requested therapy and to make an appointment by calling some number and my mum saw it and basically said some stuff like “You don’t really need this, do you? This kind of thing is for crazy people” these are not the exact words, especially the word crazy, but it’s too long ago to remember. Basically it was indirectly telling me not to go, that this was something weird and it made me scared and successfully deterred me from going (I’m worried something similar might happen again but I’m definitely gonna make myself go no matter what this time). When I think back on this, I regret not just going ahead, as I could have started making progress already (the subsequent years were wasted in me wallowing in my own sadness and a load of escapism through online gaming, pointless consumption of internet trash etc) but I was even weaker to the judgement from my parents then. The concept of normalcy and the desire for it is such a baffling and troublesome thing... :<

I have to mention that my parents are quite old fashioned in thinking and as such not educated in stuff like mental health, so it’s not entirely their fault they still have perceptions like this. It’s a difficult thing to even bring up, anything is when it comes to talking about feelings, in a place where this never really occurs... my household. When I went to therapy in both college and university (though brief and focused on social anxiety, which is all I thought I had then), it was something I didn’t want my parents to know about so I lied and just told them I had a spontaneous class then, as they could see my timetable and the times I had an appointment with the therapist were outside of those periods (but classes outside what was written on the timetable were common and actually did occur a lot then anyways so it was a believable ploy). I can see now that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do, it made me very uneasy of course, but it made sense at the time. Anyways I didn’t want to cause any trouble to my family, for them to worry or deter me from taking the chance to feel more independent and take on my own problems. I still have the same kind of feeling now, though I can see that I was trying to avoid judgement back then just as much as I do now orz.

Then I can’t remember exactly how it led to this, though it seems likely the therapist recommended it, but I went to the doctor and got prescribed anti depressants and well my family definitely came to know about this (idk if it was before or after being prescribed it though). I can’t remember how everything went about but I took the meds for idk... I think less than a year(?) and came off them because the side effects were bad. The tablets were not some magical healing miracle of course, they made me feel just.... well, neutral .__. but that’s better than agonisingly depressed though... I mean I could still have sad thoughts, but the spiralling sad sort of mood just couldn’t occur and drag me down like before. I’m not sure if I could be happy either, or well I didn’t have the energy or reason to be happy anyways. The big downside was they made me feel even more brain foggy than I already was, I was lethargic and slept excessively and I was also very migraine-y and nauseous (this is actually how I am a lot of the time anyways lol, but the medicine exacerbated or brought on these symptoms consistently). I think I changed the medicine type to another but still struggled with the side effects. This was quite a handful of years back so some things are not 100% clear in my memory, but I remember it wasn’t a fun time lol. My family obviously saw the negative effects and were worried and didn’t want me taking them any more and so I guess I stopped just like that. I think my family is generally unfavourable towards taking medicines long term unless absolutely necessary, probably even more so about this, since this was for not for treating a physical ailment and you know there’s this whole stigma with mental health in general and treatment with medication and stuff.

Uh, I kind of sidetracked and forgot a lot of the stuff I wanted to write now lol... I just hope that this time with the therapist and everything will go better. When I think back to talking to the referral person, it actually didn’t go that smoothly to begin with or well, at all and it made me pretty uncomfortable and dampened my spirits slightly tbh. It was the most drawly conversation ever and idk it just didn’t seem as professional and polished as I would have expected it to be..? I’m also kind of nervous and confused because the referral person said I’d be contacted to arrange appointments and I asked about where they would be located and they said there’s many places and mentioned something about pubs...???? Aw jeez I should have listened better or ask more clearly but I kind of derped >^<;; I hope they were talking about future exposure methods or something and not flat out making me talk all my problems to them in public from the get go or something... XAX Like whaaaa? Is all therapy not done in a room in some clinical building? @A@ I’m getting kinda worked up over it, but I should just wait and see, I most likely just confused myself, anyways going to therapy is my choice and I don’t have to agree, right! Okay huff keep positive! I can go through with it!

Maybe I’ll write a bit more about my family now since I mentioned them in this post already and this post seems to have become very backstory-ish anyways, so might as well continue ya know~ How to start though..? Well, I kind of feel like my family is quite conservative and this can feel really restrictive, since what they probably want is a sensible and successful daughter and I guess so far I am the sensible (and timid as hell) part at least... orz. Also they do tend to judge me a lot and what they say actually does end up influencing a lot of my actions, but is this how it’s meant to be or am I just being too passive? My family is around me all the time, so it’s no mystery why I feel so caged in, why I’m growing so slowly and why I keep getting knocked back so much all the time. It’s not that they are bad people or that they don’t love me, it’s just that… sometimes things they say really hit me hard and also my parents have never really offered much in the emotional support department and maybe they don’t see it but they didn’t really help in my development as a functional adult either. I’ve always felt like my parents are different from all the other parents out there for many reasons and I really hate to compare them to others, but it happens. My parents are also the overprotective kind which doesn’t help to inspire independence, and I know for a fact I have grown to be very dependant and still feel like a child inside a lot of the time. As well as their old fashioned thinking, there is the big issue of their culture being different from the one all around me, the one outside which I have ended up feeling so alien to.

They are not completely unsupportive of me all the time or anything, it’s just idk... clash of interests? They do care for me deeply, it’s just hard to communicate about feelings and stuff. Every time I write something bad about them it makes me feel bad and I write some defending statement... I can’t help it... :/ I feel that my dad can be very condescending, or well has a prideful personality, so his words are particularly sharp and hurtful sometimes, while my mum is quick to dislike things or have slight prejudices etc. My dad quite easily throws around insults in the spur of the moment and is quite irritable in general. The fact that he doesn’t think about how the person on the receiving end feels or has a reason for whatever first can be particularly hurtful, but it’s because he’s fuelled with anger or annoyance at the time and he does realise and covertly feel bad about it later on. My mum doesn’t get annoyed or react as strongly to things but she has that kind of silent disapproval feeling. The weight of their words are so crushing sometimes and it makes it difficult for me to just be myself, without being afraid of them commenting something that’ll just make me not want to try again... idk if it is because of things like that, that I hold myself back or if it’s just lack of confidence in general too though >< They do care for me and want what’s best for me, it’s just bleh, like there is not as much freedom as there could be? I feel envious of other people who can enjoy being them self and that have parents that allow them that freedom and accept their choices unconditionally, aw >^<

I’ve never talked about my feelings with them and neither have they disclosed their own (but maybe this is the same way they were brought up?). Their displays of affection towards each other are so slight, and to me are there but kind of restricted... I don’t want to keep comparing them to other parents unconsciously but it just feels like they aren’t quite as affectionate as I wish they were, or as I’ve seen to be the norm. Normal... normal doesn’t exist right? Or it’s not the same for everything... everyone... .__. My parents take care of me and my living needs, we eat together at least once a day and have some small mostly pleasant conversations, occasionally we go shopping together but we don’t exactly spend much free time with each other (or at least not as much as in the past) even though we live in the same house. I’ve been trying quite hard since a while back to get my family to participate in some little activities like playing board games or watching tv together but it only worked very few times and the effort I have to go through is very tiresome as they are always so reluctant (also talking to my dad is really difficult because I suck at speaking my second language and can never get what I’m trying to say across coherently). But they also have things they want to do, and I respect that, it’s just that some of these things could easily be done together, but they aren’t. I thought back to my childhood and couldn’t remember ever having played together with my parents then, I mean I’m sure they did occasionally maybe but it doesn’t seem to have been significant enough to remember, which saddens me. They seemed to be working a majority of the time back then up until now, so my sister was the one that always played with me and stuff.

I’m writing like my parents totally ignore me but that’s not the case, idk how to phrase things well orz they are generally warm people but idk there’s just this feeling of disconnect and awkwardness. It doesn’t help at all that there’s a slight language barrier between me and my dad either, but I am trying my best :< I think my family doesn’t have much time together, because like I mentioned before my parents work so much, they try so hard because they have to look after me and my sister (though she also works, supports them back, has a secondary home and can take care of herself now). They put so much effort in what they do, they always want the best for those around them, the suggestions I put forward to make things easier for them are quite easily rejected though probably because they prefer to do things the way they’re used to. “How are you going to live/look after yourself when we’re not here anymore?” It really hurts hearing this, it just proves how useless and dependent I am, but neither of them allow me to do stuff around the house nor have they set aside time to teach me stuff :< I am constantly reminded that time is going so quickly, it’s both been mentioned and observed that my parents are getting older (I noticed that this is one of their worries, though they never talk about it to me, at least not directly), I know they can’t support me forever... and I don’t want it to be this way, life hurts and I can’t help but feel powerless. The thing is I am very aware of everything, and there isn’t a moment when I look at them that I don’t worry for them, I don’t want for them to have to work so hard, I want to be able to get a job, I want to be independent and I want to be there for them. It’s all so difficult... I feel like even though I’m trying, it’s much too slow, it not enough... But I have to just keep pressing on... I... can do something... :c

About my sister, even we find each other annoying so often, and even though many of the things she also had said spurred the most darkest feelings in me, I am really grateful that she is here. Lately I felt we were kind of growing a bit distant too because she has so much adult responsibilities to tend to and I just sit here like a lost child, I feel like a burden and don’t want her to have to think she has to look after me forever either. I’m also still very wary around her (because she does judge me quite easily all the time too) but she listens to my worries when I do finally get the courage to say them and the most recent time she was very kind about it. I think she is as close to a ‘safe person’ as I could have, she's been helping me quite a lot lately and though she doesn’t fully understand the extent of how I am affected, she could still relate to some of the things I felt which felt somewhat relieving. Being able to confide in each other about feelings and other general stuff again like we used to is definitely something very valuable, reassuring and that I’m thankful of.

I feel so silly for being too sensitive and getting angered or hurt whenever people say things to me, but I never want this feeling escalate into resentment or straight up blaming. Everyone has problems of their own and/or things in the past that may have affected them and made them behave how they do. Things aren’t always intentional, and people can genuinely be unaware of how their words and actions can affect others or the extent of such. It’s all about communication and understanding and sadly, this is one of the biggest pieces of puzzle missing in my life, but maybe I can find it again and put it in place soon with a little help.

Words are so impacting, they can wound so deeply but they can also be so powerfully uplifting, I have to fill my life with the ones that bring positive change, try harder to do the things that really matter and learn to appreciate myself, others and life more. Don’t look back, don’t back down, don’t give up...!! It’s hard now but I can get through it, I have to believe in myself more!