#and i think it is worthwhile to let people know when you're struggling

[totalswag]

chapter two - all i want

authors note super sorry chapter two is up so late but it's finally here for you guys! thank you so much for your patients. officially on summer break and i will have more free time on my hands. if you would like to be on my taglist for this series let me know in the comments.

summary Y/N Y/L/N is a regular kook that lives in the Outer Banks. One of the most pleasant person to encounter. Room lights up when you enter a room. Contrary to some kooks, you don't care whether side of the island people come from. Friends with the pogue's. You go through a lot struggles in your life where you shy's away from the world. Rafe Cameron, also known as Kook King. He has a huge reputation on the island; is cold, cocky, jerk face, asshole, and will say whatever he wants to get what he wants. Behind all that tuff-ness, he struggles with a lot of things too. On a random Friday night you meet for the first time and Rafe can’t seem to get you out of his head after your little encounter. He’s never met a girl like you before. Eventually, you learn a lot about the Cameron boy from your eyes.

masterlist

warnings love, crying, kissing/making out, yelling, partying, cursing, explicit scenes, fighting, mentions of death, possible pregnancy?, addiction, mentions of drinking and other drug substances.

The next morning rolls around. The sun shines through the curtains, birds chirping, and the neighbors trim their lawns. Ordinary mornings on the Outer Banks.

Your eyes open gradually, blinking a few times before rubbing them. As you extend your body, you let out a little groan. You feel a minor headache coming on now that you've woken up. 

You're not sure how you wound up back at Scarlett's house, but you arrived safely in bed, makeup off and wearing comfortable clothing. Hands try to find your phone, patting on the covers, trying to find it. When you can’t find it, you lift your body up, only to find it on the floor.

8:30am

"Good morning, sunshine," Scarlett murmurs, turning to face you with her eyes still closed.

"Good morning, sweetheart," you say sarcastically, pushing yourself back under the blankets.

"How did we get back to your house?" You ask casually because all you can think of is how you got home safely without being wounded or waking up with your clothes and makeup still on. 

Scarlett giggles, "my brother picked us up and brought us back after we bribed him with food"

"Okay, that sounds exactly like us when we're drunk," you say, shaking your head.

"So, you wanna tell me what went on between you and Rafe Cameron?" Scarlett dives right into the debrief from last night. "You had that man hooked the entire night, with you two even kissing, Y/N!" she says, her eyes wild.

Oh shit

You can't remember much from yesterday night except getting drunk, playing drinking games, dancing with your friends, and chatting with Rafe. You were shocked to learn that, despite it being your first meeting, Rafe Cameron was with you all night long.

"We got to know one other better. He asked me why we hadn't met before, and I explained that we have the same friends, but we have different priorities." You feel Scarlett's eyes on you the entire time, "We kept eye contact the entire time during our conversation, and whenever I talk to a guy, he can never keep eye contact," you ramble on.

Scarlett dropped her jaw, unable to believe what she was hearing. For a long time, she has wanted you to find someone who makes you happy and makes life worthwhile. She realizes that you stated "my person will come to me when I least expect it," and right now she believes Rafe Cameron is that person. 

“You need to hit him up or ask to hang out soon because holy crap Y/N”

"Stop it, I'm sure he was being his usual self when he talks to girls," you shrug, removing your blankets and getting up to eat breakfast. 

"Don't say that, you know it's true," she gestures at you sharply, "you are right, let's eat breakfast"

During breakfast you continue to talk about the rest of the night with Rafe and how it went all together.

When you made it home, you quickly ran to your shower to get last night off you. Drank water and ibuprofen to get the minor headache to go away.

The feeling of showering after going out feels amazing and you feel completely clean. Usually you take showers the night of but surprisingly this time you didn’t.

By the time you got out of the shower, it was noon. It was just you and your mom at the house while your dad was at work and your younger sister, Jasmine, was at a friend's house next door.

You were putting lotion on your legs in the bathroom when the sound of your moms voice called you from downstairs. "Y/N can you come down here real quick please?" You murmur to yourself before getting your phone and heading downstairs to see what your mom needed.

"Yes, mom?" you inquire, puzzled.

She smiles, "Do you want to go to the store with me to get stuff for dinner tonight? "Dad wants to barbecue steak, and the weather is lovely today," she says as she walks around the kitchen to get her car keys and groceries bags from the pantry.

You lean against the counter and watch your mother stroll about the kitchen. From a young age, you’ve always enjoyed going to places with your mom, it’s been a bonding thing for you two.

"Yeah, sure, let me put my sandals on first," your mother nods, indicating that she will wait in the car.

The drive to the grocery shop took five minutes. The parking lot appeared to be packed, as it usually is. Your mom handed you a list of items she needed as she pushed the cart. There weren't many items, but enough to feed the entire family tonight.

Your headache had gone away which was a relief.

"Should we get your sister ice cream for dessert?" Your mother inquires, pausing in the ice cream aisle and pointing to Jasmine's favorite ice cream.

"She's been asking me to come here for it since Monday, so I don't see why not," you say, already walking past your mom to get the ice cream.

The rest of the time at the grocery store, you helped your mom grab the items she needed to make dinner for the night. Both made sure everything was checked off before checking out.

By the time you arrived home, your dad's truck was parked on the long driveway; it sounded like he had just returned home. When mom switched off the engine, dad walked out of the garage in his regular clothes, looking like he was ready to barbecue. 

"Hi honey, how was work?" Your mother asked gently, her face brightened up, excited about seeing him.

"Not too bad, just a bunch of meetings and figuring out new things to put out next year," your dad says as he grabs bags from the trunk.

Your dad works for a well-known company that has been successful since its inception. He works on the mainland and travels for work when needed. When he visits the mainland, he encounters a large number of individuals and attends numerous meetings.

He has done a lot for the family to get you where you are now. Both parents have wonderful jobs.

Dinner was delicious—steak with potatoes, salad, strawberries, and shrimp on the side. Because the weather was so wonderful, you ate dinner in the backyard under the lights that surrounded the entire area. The pool waterfall was turned on, as were the pool lights, to enhance ambiance.

You sat at the table for thirty minutes after eating, discussing everyone's day, recalling prior memories, and so on. Jasmine and you helped with putting dirty dishes away and bringing items into the house.

When you were done with that, you went upstairs to your room and changed into sweatpants and a tank top for the remainder of the night. Scarlett texted you, asking if you wanted to go for a drive and perhaps stop for some snacks. 

People were posting on social media about a bonfire on the beach; it did not appear to be anything huge, just a relaxing event. You didn't think much of it and preferred to hang out with your best friend instead.

"I'm going on a drive with Scarlett for a bit," you say as you go by your parents in the kitchen, holding a glass of wine. Before hugging your parents, you get some cold cold water from the fridge.

“Be safe please” your mom tells you.

"Long time no see" Scarlett sings, with the passenger window down and music playing in the background, "It's been eight hours since we last saw each other?" You both giggle as Scarlett drives out of your driveway.

You were about to open your mouth till your phone started to buzz. Your face frowns as you pull your phone from your sweatpant pocket.

Topper Thornton - rafe won't stop asking me about you 

Topper Thornton - so what i’m gonna ask is if i can give him your number?

Topper Thornton - or you can come to the bonfire right now by the beach and you two can get to know each other?

Your jaw drops from shock. You glance to Scarlett, who is already smirking and keeping her focus fixed on the road. When she continued urging you to go for a "drive" around figure eight, something itched in your gut.

She was bringing you to the bonfire.

"Did you already know about this?" giving her a suspicious look, leaning over to get a good look at her face, hoping she'll crack.

"Maybe I did, but I still want to go for a drive first," you say without hesitation, giving you the impression that she still wants to drive about first.

The two of you drove about Kildare for fifteen minutes before heading down to the beach where everyone else was. When you arrived at the beach, there were few people because cops had closed it off.

"Wanna grab some blankets? I have them in my trunk," Scarlet says, pointing to her trunk as she parks her car.

When you two arrived, your close friends seemed pleased to see you. You sat on the log with the blanket wrapped around you.

You scanned the area, looking for Rafe. Deep down, you were curious about why he was so interested in you and wanted to get to know you. He has a well-known reputation on the island. Perhaps there is something about him that will capture your attention.

"Hey, Y/N" Rafe's voice came into vision as you gazed off into the distance.

You shake your head, looking up to him with a cheerful grin, "Oh, hey there Rafe"

"Do you mind if I sit next to you?" He asks, pointing to the free space to your left.

"Yes of course."

Everything in your body was becoming agitated with a variety of emotions. You were unsure what these feelings meant, but you hoped they were positive.

Rafe gives a little sigh and rubs his hands down his thighs. You realize that he is about to say something.

"How are you feeling after last night?" He questions out of interest, scanning your expression, hoping you were not feeling uneasy. 

"I awoke with a little headache, but otherwise I felt okay. I'm generally good with my drinking, but sometimes it gets to me the next morning," you say with a chuckle.

"What about you?" You respond by asking.

"Pretty good, not too bad" he explains.

You nod, staring down at your lap, attempting to get the words out.

"I'm glad you came out tonight because I think you're very nice and I enjoy your company," Rafe says, staring at you.

"Also, you are pretty" he quickly adds.

The butterflies begin to gather in your stomach, and you conceal your face between your shoulders, facing the opposite side of Rafe, hoping he won't see your reaction, but the sound of his laugh said it all.

"I had no idea I was coming out here tonight, Scarlett nudged me into it, but I'm also glad I came out here tonight too, Rafe," you smile while softly pushing his shoulder.

"I like your company too and I think your cute too" you add.

For the next thirty minutes, Rafe and you get to know each other and discuss various topics. The way the conversation was going, you got the impression that you two will be hanging out one on one shortly without any friends around.

You two grabbed beers from the cooler further away from the fire pit then walked over where Scarlett and Topper were near the water.

"Glad to see you two finally join us," Topper says sarcastically, making the other guys laugh. 

"Haha, very funny, Top," Rafe says, rolling his eyes.

Scarlett approaches you, asking if the conversation went well; you give her two thumbs up, and she squeals discreetly so no one else notices.

It was getting close to your curfew, and your parents wanted you home by midnight. Scarlett and you were heading together to the trash can to throw out your drinks. Everyone else was collecting everything else.

You said your goodbyes to your friends before heading over to Rafe, who was standing near the hill that led to the cars. He smiles as you approach; he has a good smile, you think to yourself.

"Looks like we're splitting up again, huh?" you reply with a hint of disappointment.

"I don't think so, Y/N," Rafe says.

You look at him perplexed, but you know where the next question is going.

"How about I give you my phone number?" I'd like to get to know you better and hang out with you anytime next week when you're available. He respectfully asks, grinning cutely.

"Yes, you can give me your number and I would like that" you say with a grin.

all i want taglist

@winterrrnight @lucky7rosie @bejeweledreverie @rachelivey333 @obxdude @upelchkin

➨ i have two separate tag-lists one for my regular fics and this tag-list if for this series. if you would like to be added to my regular tag-list, you can let me know in the comment section.

➨ welcome to my rafe series tag-list readers. if you aren't on my taglist and would like to be notified whenever i upload a chapter feel free to leave a comment in the comment section or hit that follow button with post notifications (works either way).

[kedreeva]

as someone who is ace and entering college years, how has your dating life been as an ace? what other struggles have there been that you have advice for? i dont know any aces or similar around me older or otherwise. thank you for your time and i hope you have an easy day!

Okay this will get a little long so I'll put it behind a cut

Honestly I'm probably not the best person to ask, since I never really...struggled? Not specifically with asexuality or with anything related to it. I can tell you my experiences, though, and you can decide if there's anything worthwhile to take away from it!

I grew up in a house run by science and math. I knew the prefix a- meant without/not and I knew there was heterosexual and bisexual and homosexual, so when young and, importantly, before really ever interacting with other queer folk, I went Ah ha, these are (prefix)(sexual) and so therefore I am asexual (without sexuality), and that was that. That was literally all the thought I gave to it. People had crushes on other people, I didn't have crushes on people, end of story. If, for some reason, I developed a crush on someone, I would deal with it then.

Maybeeeee midway through HS, a very good friend of mine asked me about it, and I said well, some people like everyone the same, and I dislike everyone the same. And she said well, then it sounds like you like everyone the same, that amount is just zero, so that seems like bisexual? (she didn't know the term asexual was an actual sexuality term either at that point, just the biological term for reproduction and, well, I could reproduce theoretically so couldn't be that) And I said well, alright then, and called myself bisexual for the next 6 or 7 years. THEN I found out asexuality is a sexuality not just a mode of reproduction and I said Ah Ha, I was Correct, and that was that again.

So I guess if I was offering advice it would be... you know you. Don't let someone else tell you about you if you think they're wrong. Make up a word if there isn't one. Use a new word if you find one that already exists and fits.

Also, that it's fine to not worry about it. Literally it's fine to just never think about it if you have better things to do. I think a lot of people get really wrapped up in finding the right label and/or "what happens if-" when like... you're not a canned good. You don't need a label. Worry about what-ifs when they come up, don't borrow anxiety if you can help it.

I dated a few people in HS, like... three people I think, and one Almost. One predatory mistake I thankfully recognized (HEY because I had older folks online I could talk to about it!) and got out of quickly, and one hot mess relationship that was a LOT of fun- my boyfriend, Sark, and then his ex-girlfriend, and then I stepped out so they could get back together, and then they said wait no, and invited me back in, and that went on for most of the end of HS, and nearly into college, when I stepped out again (and peacefully, I am still friends with both of them and I married Sark in the end). There was one guy whom I was always, perpetually, extremely fond of, and we hung out a lot, kissed once, and I think we would have had a lot of fun dating, but ultimately it was a near miss that became a fond memory, because we were never in the right place together. Sometimes life does that, and that's okay, too.

In college, I simply didn't date anyone. I had better things to do. I met my best friend, @idkfandomwhatever, online that year (and still talk to her almost daily, sometimes for hours, despite that we are on opposite sides of the world!!), and in person @mishapeep who was the best roomie I ever had (hi!!!!! i love you!!!). I had great friends, I went on a TON of adventures, worked a cool job where I had awesome coworkers, and just all around had a blast learning stuff and napping in sunbeams or on couches at the food court. A couple of guys made passes, and I turned them down because I just wasn't into it, and we remained friends. There was one coworker at my dispatch job that I got along with like a house on fire, and everyone ELSE thought we should be dating, but neither of us ever brought it up- I can't say why he didn't for sure, but I know I never brought it up because I was 85% sure he didn't swing for the right team to date me, which I ALSO never brought up until he found me on facebook years later to tell me about his husband running for local election somewhere. so. again, don't let anyone else tell you what to do lol there was ALSO another guy that I had NO interest in that spent a lot of time around me, but we mostly sat in my bunk watching Queer as Folk, which I KNOW was his first exposure to queer material. I never talked about queer stuff with him otherwise, but I heard from a mutual friend of ours that he's also happily married to his husband. Sometimes just being yourself, openly and without shame about it, does more than you think, even if it's not doing anything directly for you (but it is, it's good for you too).

SINCE college ended, I dated one guy I met through an online game and that was great in person briefly, but ultimately didn't work out because he couldn't be a nice person, another guy I met through the same online game and that didn't work out at ALL in person, and then I started hanging out with Sark and co again. I was on the phone with him driving somewhere, and I said something to the effect of someday you're gonna find a gf and she's not gonna want you to keep going on adventures with your ex, and we won't be able to talk anymore and I had a real recordscratch moment where I realized absolutely NOT on MY watch, I wanted that boy in my life forever actually, and we've been married now for... this is year 8.

I may have landed in a soft place, but I didn't seek it out. I just lived my life and didn't worry about my sexuality or about who I was or wasn't gonna date. When I DID date, I was up front about what I wanted from any of those relationships and part of the problem with the relationships that didn't work out was sometimes that I did not KNOW what I wanted, yet. But, it was IMPORTANT I think, that I gave the chances I did, because I did learn about myself and what I wanted. That's probably the hardest fucking thing to learn, that relationships sometimes happen not because they're likely to be permanent, but because it may be fun or be a way to learn what you do or don't want. Maybe alongside of that, the lesson that it's okay to go "hm, actually this is Not For Me" and exit peacefully whenever possible. But it's okay to give temporary things a shot and see how it goes, even knowing up front it may be temporary (honestly maybe that even takes some of the stress of it off? if you don't have to worry about it being forever, and you don't have to worry about "what if I never experience other things," and you don't worry so much about messing it up so it feels easier to take chances saying and doing stuff you might otherwise consider too risky to ask for etc).

I'm aware I'm lucky that things went pretty smoothly for my entire life so far, insofar as dating or sexuality is concerned. Part of that was definitely because even the worst of the people I dated weren't really all that bad of people. A lot of it was that I just didn't date if I didn't want to. I didn't care about sex, so I didn't have sex for the first time until a few years after college, and only one guy ever pushed the issue at all (the guy in HS I immediately dropped all contact with).

The thing is... I dated or nearly dated like ten people, flirted with countless others (because it's FUN), and the only one I still have regular contact with (not just occasional friendly hellos) is the one I kept at the end.

But the friends I made in college? I kept a lot of those. I still talk to several of my college friends on a regular basis. I have made other friends since, some of whom I talk to every day, some of whom have become irregular contacts I am still fond of. But those bonds are important and the ones you make with your friends from here out do have the potential to span at least huge chunks of your life, if not the entirety of it. If you only take away one thing from this little novel...take that knowledge.

also this has nothing to do with asexuality but for pete's sake find SOME kind of hobby club to be a part of, or make one if there isn't one, follow your stupidest instincts for adventure on occasion (like playing freeze tag frisbee in a lightning storm on the PAC lawn at 11pm until the campus cops show up to make you go home), and take at least one "fuck it this sounds fun" class. Mine was archery at 7am, the only early-morning class I ever took. Worth it, we were all TERRIBLE but god it was awesome.

Good luck out there!

[straykids-gives-me-life]

Too Hot To Handle

HWANG HYUNJIN PART II

word count: 5.9k

---

YOU: It's day two in this villa! I was excited but I just now remembered that I can't actually do anything that I had planned so...

-

"Good morning," Lana chimes. "I'm pleased that there were no rule breaks last night. Today is your first full day in the retreat, and the weather will be sunny with highs of 86° Fahrenheit, and there'll be zero chance of sex."

Mason lets out a sarcastic laugh from across the room. "Nice one, Lana, really funny."

"She's got a bit of lip on her today, huh?" Harry chuckles.

"Yeah, you could say that," Mason replies.

Rhia laughs. "Zero chance of sex. She's fucking amazing."

-

HYUNJIN: Obviously last night was a huge cockblock. Me and y/n just had a little bit of pillow talk before we went to sleep and I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty nice. I think I'm starting to really like her already.

-

Getting ready for the day seemed a lot more challenging than it should've been when you're surrounded by hot, horny women.

"So," Layla begins. "Who do we all think is gonna break the rules first out of the boys?"

"Hyunjin. Definitely Hyunjin," Rhia says.

"Rhia!" You shout, a small grin on your face at the thought.

"Oh, come on, y/n. The boy is already hooked on you. He's not gonna be able to leave you alone for more than five minutes."

"You think so?" You ask, a small blush rising up to your cheeks.

"Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean you should go off and prove my point."

"Yes, mother."

You hear a scoff from across the table and immediately know it came from Layla.

"I think Hyunjin has some self-control actually.," she comments, surprising you. "Either that or he just hasn't found the right girl in here."

Rhia laughs. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, hun."

-

Over by the pool, Hyunjin and the other boys are already fixed up for today and are discussing the prices of different actions.

"So, kissing. How much do you reckon that's gonna cost?" Patrick asks.

"Well, I think if I kissed someone and it was like a petty little peck," Hyunjin says. "That would be like ten bucks."

"You never know," Mason says.

Hyunjin continues. "But if it was like a full-on, grabbing them, affectionate make-out kind of kiss, it could be worth a hell of a lot more than that."

"So, we're grading sex too? Like was it- did she moan? Did she scream?" Jack comments.

"Well imagine if it's like, head banging against the wall, legs everywhere. I reckon, ten grand." Harry declares, earning a laugh from the group.

-

JACK: This is a retreat full of the sexiest girls I've ever seen and you expect us not to kiss or touch? So all we've got to do is just keep our pants on. [chuckles] Not happening.

-

"If I'm gonna take a risk, I'm gonna make it worthwhile," Patrick says. "If I'm gonna make a deduction causing us to lose money, I'm gonna kiss, have sex, look, I'm gonna make it worth it. So, definitely-"

He's cut off by Hyunjin. "When I get told I can't do something, I want to do it more, you know? And having y/n next to me in bed does not help my situation." he laughs.

As if it were your queue, you and the girls all walk down to the poolside and join the boys, each of you sitting down next to the partner you shared a bed with the previous night. Well... most of you.

"What are we talking about over here?" You ask. "You all seem very interested."

"Just the prices of different shit," Jack says. "Harry thinks sex is gonna be ten grand."

"Ten!?" Rhia exclaims. "If it is, we're fucked."

"All I'm gonna say is this," Mason begins. "I'm watching you all,. We have a chance to win one hundred grand here and I'm not letting the chance slip away from me. I'm gonna be like the sex police up in here."

"So boring, then?" Layla asks, a disgusted look on her face.

"No," he says. "Just responsible."

-

The next few days at the retreat were a huge struggle for you and Hyunjin. You had people all around you making the prize pot decrease every single day and resisting the urge of one another was a completely different ballpark. As time went on, the tension between the two of you just kept getting tighter and higher. It was ready to snap.

Today was the first workshop of your stay and you were not expecting what you were all faced with.

You walked down the steps, Rhia on your left and Hollie on your right and say Hyunjin and the boys stood around five different what you assumed were mattresses.

"What's up, everybody!?" the woman shouted at you all, you looked up at Hyunjin as his arm slung around your shoulder.

You all cheer.

"I am here to teach a workshop on Shibari. My name is Shan and I hope you guys have a great time," she begins. "Have you guys ever played with bondage, with handcuffs, with restraints?"

The majority of the group raised their hands, you included. It shocked you, however, to see that Hyunjin had never done anything like that before. Oh well, there's a first time for everything.

"You ready for this?" Hyunjin asks you, a small smirk on his face.

"No," you chuckle.

Hyunjin picks up the rope. "Do you wanna tie me up or is it my turn to have some control here?"

You giggle at him; you have been a little more on the dominant side with him lately, stopping him whenever he came in for a kiss because of the rules, telling him what to do. Hyunjin did kind of like it, but he wanted his way with you too.

"I suppose I could let you take over from here," you smile, biting your lower lip and staring up at him.

"Don't look at me like that," he whines.

You both laugh at how easy it was to rile each other up.

"Now," he says. "Turn around and put your hands behind your back.

"Yes, sir."

Hyunjin works the rope around your hands before pulling it around his waist and therefore pulling you close to him. Your hands rested just above his package and a small part of you wished he had put your hands just a tiny bit lower.

"Is this okay?" Hyunjin whispers in your ear, wrapping the rope around the two of you, connecting you in any way possible.

"Yeah," you reply, staring at his hands as they work.

Unfortunately, the fun you two were having was cut short when Shan announced that you needed to untie each other and head back to the retreat.

"Before you guys leave," she says. "I hope you all trust each other and can now start developing a deeper connection now that you have this tryst. This was obviously your first-ever workshop so, did you enjoy it?"

"Yes!" You shouted, along with Hyunjin, Rhia, Patrick, Layla and Harry.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that so many of you did. It was really nice meeting you all and I hope you have fun during the rest of your stay here!"

You say goodbye to her and follow Hyunjin back up the steps and to the pool to cool off, Rhia following closely behind you along with Patrick.

"So, guys," Rhia says. "How did we find the workshop?"

"It was great, you smile.

"You could say that again," Hyunjin laughs.

"Yeah, I saw you too, getting freaky," Patrick jokes, making you cringe a little at his choice of words.

"It was really fun, to be fair," Rhia laughs. "You two looked like you were having a nice time."

"I mean I couldn't feel my fingers after a while but apart from that it was definitely something that I wouldn't mind doing again," you hint, looking over at Hyunjin.

He chuckles at you. "Just you wait."

"Hold your horses guys, we're still here," Rhia jokes.

"Or not, I wouldn't mind," Patrick laughs, not getting the reaction he was hoping for from you though.

"I'm fine thanks, Pat."

-

HYUNJIN: I can't believe this guy. I mean, I know he's only joking but sometimes he just takes it a little too far.

-

"Hey Hyunjin," you say, walking over to him and sitting down at the bar beside him.

"Hey," he smiles.

"Whatcha doing?" You ask, dragging the 'o' out.

"I was about to get up and have some strawberries if you wanted to help me eat them?" He asks. "You know how I struggle."

You laugh at him. "I would love to help with this oh-so-difficult task."

Hyunjin gets up and walks over to the outdoor fridge, grabs a small portion of strawberries and places them in a bowl in front of you. He picks on up and removes the green from the top, putting it in the trash and then placing the strawberry halfway past his lips.

"I see where you're going with this," you chuckle.

You both lean closer towards one another as you take a bit out of the part of the strawberry that wasn't in his mouth, the juices spilling down your chin and towards your chest.

Hyunjin licks his lips as he pulls away from you, his eyes landing on the droplet of strawberry juice that is slowly rolling down your bare skin.

"I'll get that for you."

Expecting him to just take a piece of tissue and wipe it off, you were surprised to see him stick out his tongue and lick the sweetness off of your body, following it from just above your tits to the very top of your neck.

That should not have turned you on as much as it should have.

"You guys finished over there?" A voice calls from behind you.

You turn around to see Layla, Hollie, Brooke and Jack sitting on the sun loungers, their eyes all on you.

-

YOU: Oh my God that was so embarrassing but it was also kind of hot at the same time. I wonder what else Hyunjin can do with his tongue if you know what I mean [winks]

-

It was the time of day for you to all gather at the cabana to see what damage had been done to the money yet again. Nobody ever wants to lose money, especially when it is a life changing sum such as one hundred grand.

"What does Lana have in store for us tonight, I wonder," Rhia says, adjusting herself as she sits down beside you.

"Hopefully nothing, her voice is giving me a headache," Hyunjin laughs.

"Hyunjin!" You laugh. "That's not very nice."

The dreaded chime rings out.

"Hello."

"Hey, Lana, sweetheart," you speak.

"There has been a breach of the rules and money has been deducted from the prize fund."

"What?" Harry says.

"Again?" You ask. "Seriously?"

"For fuck sake, man," Mason says. "Whoever has broken the rules, you know what you've done so it's honestly just best to confess now before Lana outs you."

"You have lost $3000," Lana announces.

"Alright, so someone's kissed!" Hollie yells.

"I don't mean this in like a bad way, but, you know y/n and Hyunjin, you guys were eating strawberries before, like, do you think Lana took that-?"

"No," Hyunjin says. "Our lips didn't even touch."

"They didn't touch?" Layla confirms.

"Not at all," you say.

"Patrick, was it you?" Hyunjin asks.

"It wasn't me," he says. "You can't look at me. I actually promise it wasn't me this time."

"Maybe it was you two," Jack says, leaning over and looking at Harry and Hollie.

"I hate to be accused," Harry says. "I think that's probably one of the things I hate the most."

"I think you guys are holding something back," Layla comments.

"Girl, what?" Hollie says.

"Harry, when you pulled her into the dressing room late last night, you're telling me that no rules were broken?"

"I don't need to do anything sexual to validate a relationship," Harry says.

"Why are you so defensive? If you honestly didn't do anything?" Layla continues.

Harry rolls his eyes. "Believe what you wanna believe, we didn't do anything. I came here with my guard up. I don't think I'm gonna leave here in a relationship. I don't think I'm gonna leave with love."

-

YOU: Someone needs to take this shovel away from Harry because he's digging himself a big ass hole here and if he's not careful, Hollie is gonna push him into it and leave him there for good.

-

"The prize fund now stands at $91,000," Lana says.

"Better than zero, better than zero," Patrick says.

"It's better than zero but if we don't know who's done it then how do we know who to watch and keep an eye out for?" Rhia adds.

"The most important thing here is being honest and to admit and own up to when we fuck up," you say. "If it isn't Harry and Hollie, it isn't me and Hyunjin and it's not Patrick and Rhia then who is it?"

"I'm fucking over this. I can't," Layla says.

"Yeah, Brooke says.

"Do you wanna go?"

Brooke giggles. "Yeah, let's go."

"What if they fucking kissed or some shit?" Patrick asks himself as Layla and Brooke stand up with their drinks.

-

MASON: I legitimately think that if there's anyone I can't trust, it's Layla and Brooke. The most manipulative person in this retreat is hanging out with the most mindless human on Earth. What could possibly go wrong?

-

You and Rhia are sitting on the beach with glasses of what you think is white wine, Hyunjin and Patrick chilling in the water not too far away from the two of you, and you're talking about what has happened so far.

"I'm glad that Patrick fixed the little rivalry he had going with Hyunjin. I'm loving the group we've got going on here." You say, looking over at Rhia.

"Me too, it just gets a little frustrating being around them with all these rule breaks going on. There's been three in what, four days?" Rhia replies.

"It's not the people breaking the rules that annoys me. It's the fact that I am being so careful with Hyunjin and trying my best to make sure that we don't break a rule for the benefit of everyone else but nobody notices that. I want nothing more than to be able to kiss Hyunjin all day and get down and dirty with him but I want this money just as much as everyone else here and it's just so frustrating that my effort isn't taking me anywhere."

Rhia nods along as you admit your feelings to her. "I understand how you feel y/n. I know how much you like him, we all do. I think you need to take matters into your own hands from here on out, though. If nobody else is going to follow these rules, then why should you?"

"I like your thinking," you smirk.

Before you can say anything more on the matter, Hyunjin sneaks up behind you and shakes his wet hair all over your body, shocking you with how cold the droplets are.

"Oh my God, Hyunjin!"

You try and push him away from you but as his arms are caging you against him, there's no way you can fight him off.

"Stop! Stop! It's so cold!" you shriek, laughing at the same time.

Hyunjin's laugh echoes through your ears and he finally stops, the sound making you feel like you've just entered Heaven.

"Okay I'm done now," he says, calming down a a little and sitting next to you on the sand.

"What were you two talking about anyways?" Patrick asks, drying his hair on a towel.

"Oh nothing special, just trying to figure out who kissed last night," Rhia says, covering up what your actual conversation was about.

"We should rule out who we think it definitely isn't," Hyunjin suggests.

"I can promise you, it wasn't us," Patrick says.

"Right. So you two didn't do anything and neither did me and Hyunjin."

"Yeah," Rhia says.

"Harry," you say.

"Look, I want to believe him so bad but, I mean, they went in the middle of the night," Hyunjin says. "I'm not gonna rule them out."

"Who else is there?" You ask.

"Don't put anything past Layla," Rhia says.

"She was sitting at that fire pit last night and she was smirking and whispering to Brooke the whole time," you explain.

"Yeah, Patrick says. "You know what I find most interesting is that Brooke was so , like, vocal."

"But who would she kiss?" Hyunjin asks.

"Dude, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Brooke and Layla made out."

"Oh, I didn't think of that," you say.

"I don't see anyone here lying except for those two," Patrick finishes.

-

The day was slowly coming to a close and it was getting later and later and you still had to talk to Hyunjin about what you and Rhia had discussed earlier.

You were walking around, scanning the retreat and looking for him when you spotted him sitting with Layla having what seemed to be a very serious conversation.

"Look, Layla, you're a sweet girl and all but I'm just really not interested in having you as more than a friend, I'm sorry."

"But why, Hyunjin? Y/n surely can't be as good as you're making her out to be. You two haven't broken a single rule in almost a week, you're just gonna get bored of her soon enough anyways," Layla replies, trying to convince him to choose her.

A tear rolled down your cheek. What was happening?

"You have no business in what I do with her. Maybe if you actually tried to connect with Mason you would understand," Hyunjin snaps. "I'm done having this conversation with you."

You watch him as he stands up from the chair and walks away to the bar, opening a bottle of beer and taking a long swig.

Slowly, you approached him and placed your arms around his waist. You could tell he was annoyed.

"You okay, Jinnie?"

"What?" he asks.

"I asked if you were okay."

"No," he says. "What did you call me?"

"Jinnie?" you say.

He smiles softly. "I like that."

" I'm glad you do. Now answer my question," you say.

"I'm fine," he says. "Just a little annoyed with some people in here."

"So am I," you say, looking up at him. "I actually came over to talk to you about something but I'll leave it until you're a little calmer if you want."

"No, it's okay, you can talk to me now," he says.

"Alright," you say, taking a deep breath. "I just wanted to make sure that you were happy with what we've got going on right now, especially since we haven't broken any rules yet."

Hyunjin furrows his eyebrows at your question. "Why wouldn't I be happy, y/n? I have the most beautiful girl in the retreat right here with me, I have nothing to complain about."

You smile. "I know you say that but I know there are other girls not just in here, but out of the retreat too that would be able to provide you with so much more stability than me. I haven't kissed you in almost a week and it's not like I don't want to, because I do, I'm just scared of disappointing everyone else."

"Look," Hyunjin begins. "I understand that you're worrying about us but I don't blame you for wanting to save as much of the money as you possibly can. I would do the same thing if I didn't have so much of it already."

"That's the thing, though. I don't want to save the money anymore," you say, confusing Hyunjin.

"Huh?"

"You know how me and Rhia were talking at the beach while you and Patrick were messing around in the water?" You ask.

"Yeah..." Hyunjin replies.

"Well, Rhia made me realise that there's no point in avoiding a good kiss or two with you out of respect for the others if they have no respect for anybody else anyway," you explain. "I'm not saying that we should just go around and break every single rule in the book but I want to be able to share something g with you before I regret it and-"

Hyunjin cuts off your rambling by pressing his lips against yours, his hands wrapping themselves around your waist and pulling you closer to his body. You melted into him as your lips worked against his, the two of you completely lost in the moment. Unfortunately, Hyunjin broke the kiss and rested his forehead against yours.

"I forgot how good of a kisser you are," he chuckles, catching his breath.

You laughed at his words and buried your head in his chest, your cheeks reddening.

"Don't go hiding yourself now," Hyunjin jokes, pulling your head up with his fingers. "You're too pretty for that."

"Stop it!" You say, attempting to hide your blushing face.

-

YOU: I can't even begin to explain how good it felt to finally kiss him again. I know this isn't going to go down very well with some of the others but I hope most of them can recognise how much we both needed that.

-

It was time to gather at the cabana once more and this was the first time you felt genuinely nervous in a very long time.

"Okay, we all know why we're here again," Mason says. "I have to get to the bottom of this. It's all just about openness, honestly. Whoever did it, this is your opportunity now to have just an inkling of honesty because otherwise it's gonna come out in a much different way, which is only gonna make you look bad.

-

YOU: Preach, Mason, preach girl!

-

"Unless I slept-walked and fell into someone's vagina, I know it's not me."

You laugh at his wording of the situation.

"Patrick has spoken to me open-heartedly so I know it's not him. I know it isn't Hyunjin either."

"Damn straight, " Patrick says, fist-bumping Hyunjin.

"To be honest with you two," he points at Harry and Hollie. "I would never have guessed you went in the middle of the night alone. Like, to me, that's like jumping into a flame and hoping you don't get burnt. I did question what decisions you two made in there but I'm choosing to believe you."

"Thank you," Harry says.

"The only other two people that I don't know at all, who have openly admitted to more than enough alone time-"

Mason is cut off by Brooke. "This is ridiculous. Do not fucking talk to me like that. This is ridiculous."

Everyone gives each other strange looks, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

"I feel like I'm the easiest person to come at," Brooke continues.

"Brooke," Patrick says. "Did you do anything that would cause a $3000 reduction with Layla?"

"No, I did not kiss Layla," Brooke says, strangely defensively.

"Alright," Patrick leans back, gesturing over to Mason.

"Should we ask Lana," Mason says.

"Yeah, we should," you say, excited to see the result of who it actually was.

"That's the fairest thing to do," Hollie says, sitting up from being against Harry the whole time.

"See what Lana has to say," Hyunjin says. "She knows."

Lana chimes.

"Lana!" Harry cheers. "What you gonna tell us?"

"Hello. How are we all feeling today?"

"On edge," you laugh.

"Lana, we have a question for you," Mason says.

"Yes, how can I help?" She says.

"Was it Harry and Hollie who broke the rule yesterday?"

A small amount of time passes and we are all sat in silence. How typical of Lana to add some tension to the already present tension.

"Negative."

Some of us clap for the two of them and Patrick leans over to high-five Harry.

"Well done, dude."

"Lana," Mason begins yet again. "Was it Jack and Layla?"

The same silence passes by.

"Negative."

"Yes!" Jack exclaims. "I'm off the hook for once."

"You are not the father," Hyunjin jokes, earning a chuckle from you.

For the final time, Mason asks the question.

"Lana... was it Brooke and Layla who broke the rules and kissed last night?"

"Negative," Layla says, trying to get some of the pressure off her shoulders.

The suspense drags on and on.

"God, this is killing me," Rhia says, leaning her head back on the sofa to regain some strength.

"Affirmative."

Everybody gasps and stands up from their seats, pacing around the room in shock.

"Oh my God!" Rhia yells. "I didn't think it was true!"

"So you lied about it and then you denied it," you say, scoffing at their behaviour.

"You lied to our faces," Patrick says. "And how are you laughing right now, Brooke?"

"I don't understand why you'd lie," you say.

"Oh my God, you blow my mind," Mason scoffs. "You actually blow my mind."

"Alright, that's enough," Brooke says, standing up and looking over at Layla. "Come with me?"

"It's the walk-off!" Harry shouts. "It's the walk-off!"

"See you later, girls!" you shout as they walk away.

"They're off to the showers!" Hyunjin laughs.

-

BROOKE: I'm glad this all happened, I still don't like these people. If anything, I'm glad I fucked them over so hopefully they'll stop talking to me and stop bothering me.

-

As if the night couldn't get any worse, Lana has another announcement.

"I am not finished here yet," she says. " There will be two new arrivals coming to the retreat tomorrow and they have both picked one of you to take away on a date."

We all gasp.

"What? No," you say, praying that Hyunjin hasn't been picked.

"The new girl in town, Sonya, had chosen..."

"Sonya? That sounds very foreign, I like it," Patrick says, earning a slap on the arm from Rhia.

"Watch it," she snaps.

"Hyunjin." Lana finishes.

-

YOU: Are you fucking kidding me? I literally just managed to get Layla out of my way and steer clear and now this Sonya girl wants to fuck with my man too

-

HYUNJIN: I really do not want to go on this date at all. I'm perfectly happy with y/n thank you very much.

-

"Come the fuck on, Lana," you groan, throwing your arms up in the air. "Give me a break."

"The second newcomer is Malcolm and he has chosen..."

-

YOU: Please don't be me. please don't be me. Please don't be me.

-

"Y/n."

"Oh my God it's like the ultimate couple test," Rhia says, shocked out of her mind.

"You will have to be ready and at the beach at 12:00, no later. Goodnight and good luck."

With that, Lana leaves with her melodic chime and nerves set into your body right away.

Hyunjin looks down at you and sighs, pulling you up by your hand and walking away with you, not uttering a word to the group. He takes you into the bedroom, sits you down on the bed and stands in front of you.

"Look at me, y/n." He says.

You stay glaring at the floor beneath you, ignoring him.

"Y/n," he says. "Come on, sweetheart look at me."

You give in to his pleas and slowly lift your head up and meet his eyes.

"I know you're scared but trust me when I say this, I am not gonna go behind your back. I appreciate what we have so much already and I'm not gonna give that up for some girl I've never met before." Hyunjin speaks, comforting you. "I promise that nothing will happen between me and her as long as you can do the same."

"I promise," you say, grabbing his hands.

"Good," he says, "Now stop crying and give me a hug."

-

The next morning was a huge struggle for not only you but for Hyunjin as well. He had never managed to commit to a full relationship and as much as he wanted to convince himself that he could stay loyal, he knew that if this Sonya girl was his type, he might have to break the promise he made to you.

You applied a light layer of makeup, not wanting to put in too much effort for someone who you weren't going to pursue anything with. Rhia decided to choose your outfit to avoid your overthinking and to be honest, you don't think she could've chosen a better thing.

You wore a yellow sundress that hugged the top half of your body but flew out at the bottom past your waist. It was really pretty. You just wished you were wearing it for somebody else.

It felt like only seconds had passed before Lana chimed in.

"Hello, y/n."

"Hey, Lana," you reply, sounding sorrowful for yourself.

"You do not sound very excited about your fast-approaching date with Malcolm," she says.

"To be honest," you say. "I don't want to do it."

"Well, either way, you have no choice. Malcolm has already arrived and is waiting for you. you must head to the beach immediately."

With that, Lana deactivates and stops talking.

-

YOU: Well she was fucking helpful, wasn't she?

-

"Hey there, beautiful," the man who you suspect was Malcolm says as you approach him, a glass of champagne already poured for you.

"Hi," you reply, painting a fake smile on your face.

"I'm Malcolm, nice to meet you," he says, standing up and kissing your cheek, a hand placing itself on your waist before he sits back down and you follow suit.

"So, tell me about yourself," he says.

"Uh, well, my name is y/n and I've been at the retreat now for about a week, I'm 21 and I currently live in Seoul."

"Cool," he says. "What do you do for work?"

"Uh, I help choreograph an upcoming K-pop girl group," you answer.

"You into that shit?" He asks, a frown coming upon his face.

"I mean, I don't listen to it all the time but I do have a fair few songs on my playlist, yeah," you say, confused as to why he made that out to be an issue if you did.

"I really hate that kind of music," Malcolm says. "I just don't understand why people would want to listen to a language that they don't speak."

"Well I do speak Korean so..." you say, making it a little awkward.

This wasn't going well.

"Uh, anyways," Malcolm says. "What do you think of me? Because I must say, you are gorgeous."

"Thank you," you reply. "I'm actually already seeing someone in the retreat and I'm really happy with him so I don't want to ruin that."

"Oh come on. What he doesn't know can't hurt him, right?" Malcolm asks, trying to push you for a kiss.

"There's also another reason that nothing physical can happen between us," you say.

"What?"

"In this retreat," you being. "There's no sexual activities allowed: no kissing, no hands, no sex, nothing."

"You're kissing," he says. "So I've been put on a date with the hottest girl I've ever seen and I can't even touch?"

"Exactly that, yes," you say.

"Fuck that."

-

YOU: I already don't like this guy. I just get a weird vibe from him and I can tell he isn't going to leave me alone until he gets what he wants. I just hope Hyunjin's date is going just as disastrous as mine.

-

Hyunjin and Sonya were both sitting next to each other on the picnic blanket, their glasses both empty and the strawberries half eaten.

"So, in this forbidden retreat," Sonya begins. "Do you happen to have a partner in there yet?"

Hyunjin pauses for a little. "I do."

"How serious are you guys?"

"We've kissed a good few times and she does make me happy," Hyunjin says.

"I could make you happier, you know," she says. "Just one kiss and you'll find out."

"I'm not going to risk a stable relationship for one kiss, Sonya. I'm sorry."

-

When you arrived back at the retreat, you were walking beside Malcolm, his arm around your shoulders. The two of you had talked a little more and had agreed to remain friends (you had forced him to back off).

"Hey girl!" rhia shouts over all the cheers as you leave Malcolm to find his own way and sit over with the girls.

"Hey," you say, sitting next to Hollie. "Has Hyunjin come back yet?"

"No, you're the first here," Layla says.

You waited impatiently for Hyunjin to return which felt like hours when, in reality, it had only been about ten minutes before he and Sonya walked over the sand dune and into the retreat.

You stared at them as Sonya had her arm interlinked with his. Your heart dropped. Had he realised that she was much prettier than you? You didn't realise how close the two of them had gotten before you snapped out of your trance.

"Hi girls, I'm Sonya, it's really lovely to meet you all," she says, finally parting her arm from around your man.

All you could do was grin at her slightly, your eyes still locked onto Hyunjin. He eventually looks at you and takes your hand, excusing the two of you and walks you over to a private area, where you could talk.

"So," he says. "How did it go for you?"

"Awful," you replied, your voice monotone as you thought he would be leaving you.

"Mine too," Hyunjin says, shocking you. "She kept trying to get me to be with her but I told her about you and eventually she gave up."

"So how come she had her arms practically wrapped around you," you say.

"I couldn't just be an asshole because she wants me and I don't want her," Hyunjin says. "And I'm sure Malcolm had his arm around you at some point, did he not?"

You sat in silence for a moment. "He did. "

"Exactly."

"Look, I'm sorry," you say. "I just thought that you would leave me for her."

"Why would I ever do that, love?" Hyunjin asks, making a small heat rise to your cheeks.

"She's a lot prettier than me."

Hyunjin scoffs. "Nobody could ever be prettier than you, y/n. You are honestly the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes upon. I never thought I could feel this way towards someone but you make me so happy and I would never leave you for someone like her."

You smiled at his words. You had never felt this way about someone before either and you wanted to feel this way forever.

"Hyunjin," you begin. "I think it's time we did some rule-breaking."

-

A/N: This isn't as long as I hoped it would be but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging... again.

Taglist: @velvetmoonlght

@hyunjiinnnn

[elftwink]

to be honest if your stance is "its actually always easy to be a good person if you care about people who aren't you" i do not believe youre a good person because you aren't doing it when it's hard. lol. if you have never found it challenging to remain kind and compassionate that's because when you're challenged you stop being kind and compassionate and convince yourself it's bc the other party doesnt deserve your kindness. it's very very easy to be mean and hateful and to surround yourself with people who validate that. if you insist this isn't the case for you simply because you inherently know better then you are currently in one such community, and i do not respect whatever you think constitutes a good person because you have to first filter it through the assumption that you already are one.

to everyone else: it isn't easy to be a good person. it isn't even easy to determine what actions would make you a good person, let alone to go ahead and do them, consistently. struggling, having dilemmas, making choices you regret... these are normal parts of developing a sense of justice and morals and trying to do right by them (or shift them if they no longer make sense or you find you were wrong). and they are very difficult. and frankly you will never be able to put the work down and declare that now you are a kind, just, and fair person forevermore. the world keeps changing and so do we. try to find community with people who see the work itself as worthwhile and fulfilling. and if anyone ever tells you they popped out of the womb just knowing how to be kind to everyone and it should come naturally, know in your heart that is the meanest motherfucker to ever grace this green earth and do not trouble yourself on their opinions of cultivating kindness and compassion.

[666writingcafe]

Reuniting With Henry

Levi

I've been working on myself lately. It's been a challenge, especially with also having to prepare to venture out into the human world, but I feel like it's been worthwhile.

Instead of spending all of my free time in my room, I've tried to socialize with other people in the real world. Specifically, some of my online friends. I figured that if they liked me in that space, then they'll probably be okay with me in a real-life setting. And for the most part, they do. I mean, there's been a couple of incidents where the opposite has been true, and that was demoralizing in the moment, but then I think about what MC would do or say.

One of the things I like about MC is their willingness to take risks, particularly when it comes to interacting with people. If they worry about looking like a fool, they don't show it. Rather, they allow themselves to be authentically who they are, regardless of what others may think about them.

As I watch MC observe Henry, I reflect on our relationship and how it's progressed. I certainly didn't like them in the beginning. I thought they were just another scummy normie who only cared about themselves. Of course, some of that was probably me projecting what I felt about Mammon onto them, but still. It wasn't like I was a big fan of them, either.

But scummy normies don't insist on befriending someone simply because they like them. They usually want something in return, but not MC. It seemed like the harder I pushed them away, the more persistent they were, but it wasn't obvious at the time. No, it was little things that they did that added up overtime, and soon I couldn't deny it: I liked MC.

Enough to let them chill in my room with me.

Enough to want to experience things outside my comfort zone.

Enough to touch them.

Kiss them.

Fu--

"Levi? Are you alright?" Shit. How long had I zoned out for? Apparently long enough for MC to move on from Henry and start rummaging through a box of games.

"I'm fine," I answer, trying not to sound too startled. "Just thinking, that's all."

"About...?" My anxiety tells me to change the subject, but I won't let it dictate my actions this time. I know MC won't judge me. They've proven that time and time again.

"You."

"Me?" They stand up, and I force myself to step closer to them. They seem surprised, but not in a bad way. At least, I don't think.

"I never thought that I would enjoy spending time with you." I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. "I always have a lot of fun when we're together. I mean, I know we've been playing games online, but it's not the same as having you next to me." MC smiles.

"I feel the same way about you." They reach up and pat my shoulder, and I have to will myself to stay put and not run away. "I'm proud of you, Levi. I know you struggle with admitting your feelings, especially towards me."

"I'm trying to get better at that."

"It takes time." MC pauses as they grab my hand. "The important thing is that you're trying."

They look so sweet.

I know what the moment calls for, but I can't seem to move. At all.

"You're blushing."

"I have to prepare myself." The thought leaves my mouth as soon as it pops into my mind. Thankfully, MC appears to understand what exactly I'm referring to, for they gently touch the side of my face.

"On the count of three?"

"Okay." Did not expect that to come out as a whisper. Then again, my throat feels a bit tight, so that would explain why I sound a bit hoarse.

"One." I close my eyes and focus on the feeling of their hand.

"Two." I take a deep breath, and my mind suddenly becomes clear.

"Three." I don't know which is more surprising: the fact that I'm the one who finished counting or the one who initiated the kiss. In any case, MC embraces me, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting on my computer chair with them straddling my lap.

[palettepainter]

(Kind of a vent. Also if you're one of those hardcore Hazbin fans the fandom has become infamously known for, I'll save you the time and tell you to just scroll past this cuz it's mostly me complaining)

.

.

Hazbin's song More Then Anything was on the radio today, I don't know why since I walked into the kitchen right as the song was nearing it's end, and it was such a...weird feeling hearing this song on the radio

On one hand, for indie animation and animation as a whole, I am ecstatic that one of the songs was on the radio!

But at the same time, this shows writing and pacing is absolute trash and I don't think it deserved it. .

The only joy I felt for hearing this song on the radio, was because it gives me hope for animation, and the hope that it will boost the believe that indie animation CAN be worthwhile and enjoyable. But that's it, I felt no joy at the fact it was a Hazbin song (unless if it was Loser Baby, the internet can all agree that song is golden)

It's just mildly disappointing that Hazbin hotel, a show which the team behind CLEARLY care a lot about (lets face it for all of Hazbin's flaws, it wouldn't have gotten to the position it's in currently if it wasn't being made by very talented people who believed it's worth the effort. You have to give the team credit where credit is due), is such a disaster story and pacing wise. It's fairly obvious to me that the reason this show is doing as well as it is for the most part is because of the already large fanbase Vivziepop has grown for it.

People love these characters so much that despite the flaws in it's writing and characters - of which there are MANY - that they're willing to ignore these flaws and keep praising the show anyway because hey, content is content

And I get it. This show has been in the works for god knows how long. But I argue that because it's been in the works for so long, that the show we got just isn't as good as it could have been.

The story is rushed, the pacing is whack, we spend little to no time with Charlie (one of the more prominent main characters), we don't see Charlie genuinely bond with any of the other characters outside of Vaggie, the show can't decide if it wants us to believe Charlie's efforts are working or not, the finale song carries no weight what-so-ever because (outside of Angel and Husk) none of the characters have a genuine heart to heart moment to show they've bonded, frankly I found Charlie annoying she was not enjoyable to watch, the show has an entire song with Lucifer and Alastor arguing over who Charlie should view as her father figure when Alastor prior to that song had exchanged maybe five lines of dialogue with Charlie (none of which where fatherly), the show throws too many plot points at us that we can't appreciate them for a second before it's trying to shove the next one down our throats, Camilla's ENTIRE character! Her songs sound great she has a great voice actor, but her character got thrown out the window in order to be a plot device, Valentino being an idiot who needs Vox to talk to him out of a tantrum one episode and then being the most ruthless character in the entire show the next, and the show trying to make me feel like Pentious's sacrifice was worth it when we barely knew what his aspirations or faults where as a character

I know I just tore this show down, but believe it or not, I'm not a full blown hater. The reason I'm so annoyed is because I WANT this show to do good, I want it to be good. I want this show to make me feel like I should care for the characters through them bonding and struggling together, not because the show TELLS me I should care

And admittedly a large fault of all of this is the episode count, 8 episodes is a tight run time for any show. But when you get that episode count confirmed, that's when you gotta cut things. Yeah it might have meant we got fewer songs in the first season and seen less characters, but we would have been able to digest literally any of the plot points in that timeframe if stuff was removed

[hazelira]

𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐦 | NI-KI

genres: angst and comfort

word count: 850

summary: Ni-ki, a member of ENHYPEN, struggles with constant blame and criticism from the media and fans. Despite the hurtful comments, he yearns to love and connect with his fans, ENGENES, including Y/N, the reader. Ni-ki’s unwavering love for his fans shines through, even in the face of adversity, showcasing his resilience and hope for genuine connection amidst the pain.

˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚

The backstage area was buzzing with activity as the members of ENHYPEN prepared for their next performance. Ni-ki stood before a mirror, adjusting his costume, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts. Lately, the weight of the world seemed to rest on his shoulders. Despite giving his all, he was constantly blamed and criticized. The hate felt overwhelming sometimes, but he kept going, driven by his love for the fans. He took a deep breath, trying to push the negativity aside. "You can do this," he whispered, forcing a smile. "For the fans."

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(Flashback) 

"Ni-ki, you're amazing," Y/N, an ENGENE, had said to him during a fan sign event. "You work so hard, and we appreciate everything you do." Those words had stayed with him, a beacon of light in the darkness. But they were often drowned out by the harsh criticism and hate he received online. He wanted to love and be loved by his fans and ENGENES, to give them his all. But it felt like he always fell short, no matter how hard he tried.

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(Present) The performance went off without a hitch, the crowd's cheers echoing in Ni-ki's ears as he left the stage. He retreated to his dressing room, feeling the familiar ache of doubt creeping in. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through social media. The messages were a mix of love and hate, but the negative ones seemed to scream the loudest. "Why is he even in the group?" "He's always messing up." "He doesn't deserve to be here." Ni-ki's heart sank as he read the comments. He wanted to reply and defend himself, but he knew it would only worsen things. Instead, he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He couldn't let the hate consume him.

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(Later That Night) Back at the dorm, Ni-ki sat alone on the balcony, the city lights twinkling in the distance. The other members were inside, unwinding after the show. He felt lonely despite being surrounded by people who cared about him. "Why do I keep doing this?" he wondered aloud, staring at the night sky. "Why do I keep trying when it feels like no one cares?" But deep down, he knew the answer. He did it for the ENGENES who believed in him, saw past the negativity and loved him for who he was. He did it for the moments when an ENGENE's smile or kind words made everything worthwhile.

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(Flashback) "Ni-ki, you inspire me," ENGENE had said during another fan event. "Your determination and passion make me want to work harder too." Those words had been a lifeline, a reminder that he wasn't alone. And even now, as he struggled with the weight of the hate, he clung to those moments of genuine connection.

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(Present) The sound of the balcony door opening pulled  Ni-ki from his thoughts. He turned to see ENGENES standing there, a look of concern on their face. "Ni-ki, are you okay?" they asked softly, stepping closer. He forced a smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just... thinking." ENGENE sat beside him, their presence a comforting warmth in the cool night air. "I know it's hard dealing with all the negativity. But you have to remember that so many of us love and support you. We see how hard you work and appreciate everything you do." Tears welled up in Ni-ki's eyes, but he blinked them back, not wanting to appear weak. "Thank you," he whispered, his voice breaking. "It means a lot." ENGENE reached out, taking his hand in theirs. "You're not alone, Ni-ki. And you're not to blame for everything that goes wrong. You're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask for." For the first time in a long while, Ni-ki felt a sense of relief. The weight on his shoulders lightened if only just a little. He squeezed ENGENE's hand, a silent promise to keep going and fighting for the fans who believed in him.

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(Days Later) The next performance felt different. As Ni-ki stood on stage, he could see ENGENE in the crowd, their smile a beacon of encouragement. He poured his heart into the performance, feeling renewed purpose. The cheers of the fans and ENGENES, the love in their eyes, reminded him why he kept going. As the final notes rang out and the crowd erupted into applause, Ni-ki felt warmth. He wasn't just doing this for the fans and ENGENES; he was doing it for himself, the love and passion he had for performing.

˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚。⋆𖦹.✧˚

(After the Show) Back in the dressing room, Ni-ki found a note in his bag. It was from ENGENE, written in their familiar handwriting. "Ni-ki, thank you for everything. You are loved, you are appreciated, and you are enough. Keep shining." He held the note close to his heart, a smile breaking through the tears. He would keep going, not just for the fans and ENGENES, but for himself. Because he was worth it, and he deserved to love and be loved, no matter what. "Thank you, ENGENE," he thought, feeling a sense of peace over him. "I will keep shining." And with that, Ni-ki knew he could face whatever came his way because he had love in his heart, more potent than any hate.

˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚˚⋆𐙚｡⋆𖦹.✧˚

[angelmichelangelo]

hey! not sure if it'll make you feel better, but re: your glass child post, i think you're fully justified in being upset. i've never heard of that term before now (just looked it up), but as someone who could also fit into the glass child category, it's sorta relieving to hear that there's actually a term for it and other people experience it. i know for myself i've repressed a lot of my issues to support the people in my family and still struggle to this day with the guilt of sometimes resenting how i was overlooked in favour of those worse off than me. as me and my friends always say, it's not the suffering olympics! i think it's worthwhile to speak on your own struggles without immediately being accused of undercutting someone else's. anyway, if you ever need someone to chat with, let me know and i'll be happy to come off anon! <3

thank you anon. i was in the same boat, i spent years unaware that there was a term for what i had been going through. everything i did experience lead to me having very severe anxiety as a child and then later, severe ocd simply because as a child, i recognised that certain things were out of my control, and that was kind of the point of the fic - coming to terms that sometimes bad things just happen. there’s nothing you can really do about it and your feelings are valid in feeling bad and upset about that.

im so glad it was able to reach you in that way. it is something that ironically gets overlooked. a specific kind of trauma that doesn’t get recognised and so when you’re not aware of it being a thing, it can make the whole experience even more isolating. im glad that my fic was able to bring you some kind of comfort in that way. we’re never truly alone <3

thank you for such kind words. i just received a particularly nasty anon on the matter that.. ugh. im unfortunately letting get inside my head.

being a glass child took a lot from me. it continues to take from me. that whole fic was a therapeutic experience, something i even mentioned in the authors notes, so for someone to read the entire fic and that and still somehow misinterpreted it and say something so cruel really is hurtful. but your ask does help.

thank you again friend 🫶

[karlie-what-you-want]

You probably know who I am just from the subject of this ask but... this seems like a worthwhile thing to bring up, because Taylor fans are generally caring people, I find, and despite being served teenage rom com stunts, we're actually capable of understanding and caring about more complex and vital issues. And since, apparently, we're to have football shoved into our faces, let's talk about the dark side of the business. Let's talk about the accumulating studies on traumatic brain injuries. About how the NFL invested a lot of money to try to block them, discredit them, distract from them. Let's talk about the harm it does to their players and how much they don't care. Same with wrestling. Same with boxing, MMA. And in the more recent years, the eyes of medicine has turned to soldiers and the military industrial complex has pretended to be super surprised to learn that soldiers get brain damage from training alone because wow, really, rockets and gun shots create shock waves???? And you'd think big money systems would care about athletes, right? The golden gooses? Well, until they start malfunctionning and after that, they're just an investment to dump. I'm hoping the discourse getting louder around soldiers will make the public opinion more caring. You know, the public opnion that calls them "our boys". But then again, I've seen how vets are struggling to keep a roof over their heads. So, I dunno. Maybe public safety? https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/lewiston-maine-mass-shooter-robert-card-traumatic-brain-injuries-scan-rcna142194 Understanding of what CTE is? How it doesn't just affect the victim, but that you could make a whole ass true crime podcast about how when you break people's brains, they can become dangerous, and never run out of seasons? Maybe we can stop finding big dudes displaying fits of rage hot and start maybe thinking about regulating emotions and asking them if they won't, or if they can't? Anyway. Industries that just need bodies to keep running will never care about the people it steamrolls. And the consequences of that, even if they affect others. WE have to.

We have to be the ones to say Black Lives Matter, Queer Lives Matter, Free Palestine, Save The Planet, etc.... I'm going to keep pointing the finger at big industries and say "what you're doing is evil, and we see you". I think, in this community, I'm not the only one who'd care to do so.

Thank you so much for reaching out with these thoughts, anon. I agree 100%, and I think these facts are being swept under the rug by so many with the power to actually address it.

You’re right. It’s up to us to speak up.

[himi-wiz]

Hehe

Chuuya for bingo! <3

(And Dazai, if you want to.)

YOU. YOU HAD TO HUH.

Definitely don't know you anon. And therefore I can lie about it but here we go:

Dazai —

Interesting lad in the most atrocious manner possible. Admittedly I still needed to read the novels but I think Dazai is an odd character which I've never quite gotten completely even from the start of my initial bsd phase at 2014-2015. Now I'm as old as him (which is bizarre to think about) and I get what's going on, I still don't think I'll ever quite grasp what's in his head. He has this apathy and intelligence I will never take hold of as someone who understands that I am extremely an ordinary individual and chooses to remain so — being oblivious and normal — for fear that I would turn out to be as isolated as he is.

I think it's terrifying.

To be too smart and think too much of yourself, to realise you're never going to be normal for you will always reason a way out of your greatest passions and your worst nightmares. And therefore you never truly fear anything nor could you truly love something wholeheartedly either. How could you when you can't trust in anything?

I am fond of the irl author, Mr. Dazai Osamu's dedication to his work of No Longer Human which I did read through ages ago and encounter some memorable quotes. But it's only rather recently I was able to fully comprehend the sheer terror it brings as the protagonist Yozo elaborates on the despair of understanding one's role in life is inevitably meaningless, akin to an insect realising its doom to fall prey to fate in a web full of lies.

Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer "Nothing." The thought went through my mind that it didn't make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.

— No Longer Human, Dazai Ozamu

And I only have pity for such a being that is unable to unlearn that despair or at the very least, be able to stop, condense and move forward with these thoughts and live with them.

Our BSD Dazai however is given a chance to do so unlike Yozo thanks to Odasaku and it brings a fond affection to see him trying his best. I hope he does find his way and learns to enjoy the difficult journey stumbling around in life. But at the same time, it'll be foolish of me to presume just because he's moving towards the light, Dazai's darkness and general sense of dissatisfaction with people and life would change.

Dazai is not kind, he is not gentle, he's inconsiderate, deplorable, utterly wretched nuisance of a man who can and will use you if he decides it's worthwhile for him to do so, otherwise he has little interest in you even if he can sees through all your struggles and how he could help you, he wouldn't, certainly not intuitively desire so.

And I much prefer that viewpoint for it's more remarkable that Dazai is choosing when he does good. And how he's actively trying to be the side that reaches out to someone else and be there for them. To let himself be tied to people he feels isolated from and be vulnerable enough to take bets and place his trust on the Armed Detective Agency (and Chuuya and Akutagawa) so he could save lives he honestly doesn't care much for. How fascinating.

And so when fans do brush that darkness aside, I can be mildly peeved. But hey, it's still valid and okay to have some fun with just comfort and softness of just wishing happiness for a character you like. It can hard to decipher these layers if you don't know where to look too. Or perhaps am I reading too deep into this? Who knows. Asagiri sure has a way of writing nuances like these and it's so delightful to unpack them.

I still don't understand Dazai on a fundamental level.

That is more of my fault as I am someone who both emotionally and socially impaired so much that I use myself as a medium to "empathise" with people. I merely mimick emotions — like I don't feel sad if someone lost a loved one, I 'force' myself to feel bad if I am that person, I play out the scenario of losing something precious to me and I take that sadness to apply it to the person.

That's how I can predict people well enough, aside from those who are far too passionate in an ideal or passion I can't understand like Kunikida, those who learn to hate everything, and those who comprehend the reasons why they hate and shift to a complete apathy, able to pinpoint all the ways they're wrong — ways they don't fit, they aren't human enough, but are ultimately far too timid and cowardly to work on why they are outsiders and maintain a distance for it's far safer this way.

Dazai is still that person who's terrified of attachment and rejection, still struggling to believe in people more than he trusts his mind and vision of the world around him. And he appears to be doing his best, so perhaps I would fall in love with his character a little more when I finish rereading No Longer Human, the dark era stuff and other bsd side stories.

For now let's see how he'll end up.

Chuuya—

I refuse to elaborate on him.

Suffer anon.

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat, hope you are doing okay right now. i know things are tough and fuck tiny and whatever the other one is called. the stupid one. anyways.

recently ive been trying to practice self love more, i stopped self harming, got back onto medication for my depression, stopped looking at harmful websites like gore and self harm images, got off most social media, and i try to be nice to what i see in the mirror, face wise. i actually dont feel like my self destructive habits are that harmful, but logically i know they are. i dont feel like they gravely effect my life, they jsut feel like weird dirty secrets i have but i know it is not good for me. I've been focused on dealing with my depression but i haven't done anything about my disordered eating habits. They just feel so intertwined with how i go about things in a way, because im 16 now and i think it started when i was 12. i just remember not caring at all about my body or food, and then suddenly i did. and i had these weird specific things i hated and started learning about nutrition and just, fell down a horrible rabbit hole. i just feel like, i am SO not ready to let go of this. its a comfort, my safety net. i dont even know how to eat normal anymore honestly, i got too much stuff memorized. Sometimes im fully aware i have horrid body dysmphoria, but other times i feel like i see myself clearly and what the people around me dont get is that i have different (and really bad) ideas of what looks good on me, aka i know i fit their ideals of a good looking healthy body but i dont fit MINE. im just scared if i recover these thoughts and ideals wont ever leave, like at the back of my mind they will be there and ill just be trying not to think about how i dont look like that the rest of my life and how miserable thatd be. my ed is just, sorta part of my routine. aghhhhh. just feels sorta good to let that out. i know you dont have specific advice for this topic but i wanted to talk about it a little anyway but, OVERALL; im focusing on healing and my health but am more focused on depression and other things then dealing with my disordered eating habits, which i know are not at all good but at the same time i cant bring myself to care that they arent. do you think im still making progress towards healing and being happier? even if i havent addressed a certain elephant in the room?

Yes. If you can only acknowledge progress which successfully attacks every area of struggle equally at all times, you will not get very far. You gotta start somewhere. And you have started. And that matters, even if you aren't at a point where you can fix every single problem in your life. It's okay to say "right now I'm working on self harm and depression" and let that be enough for now, cause honestly? Working through self harm and depression is worthwhile and impressive by itself, even if it won't fix everything. Removing two elephants from your apartment will make it a lot easier to live in even if the third elephant is still there. You have more options than doing nothing vs doing everything and what you're doing now fucking rocks. Be proud of your hard work

[buhok-ng-bruha]

FAQ for that JW Post I Made

Original post

-"Can I give them water/coffee/other small kindness before sending them on their way?"

I mean, I guess. I can't stop you. But JWs are not there to be friendly - they are there to prey on you. They have been taught to look for signs of weakness, and other emotional 'ins', and going out of your way to be kind to them is one of those things. It betrays a sense of altruism, which is a big factor in why people join the cult. The cult promises you they have the answer to why there is suffering, and a promise it will end, and that you can have a hand in that mission. If you're handing out water bottles to the cult members on your doorstep even after you've been warned of the danger of their presence, you sure sound altruistic.

-"Can/should I debate them?"

Again, I can't stop you, but I can tell you it likely won't work. Actually 'in' JWs have been taught 'thought-stopping', ie they deal with actual thought policing, that they enforce on themselves and fellow members, mainly to do with doubts about the religion. This shit is hardcore. It took. LITERAL YEARS. for me to even let myself have the smallest doubts without immediately sending myself into a guilt-ridden panic attack. It took further years to let those thoughts sit long enough to form solidly into something I deemed worthwhile and meaningful enough to throw my whole life away over. Your Bible quote hypocrisies and Watchtower scandals, talked about for 5 minutes on a Saturday morning, will more than likely have next to no effect. Not to say that an exJW has never begun their deconversion on someone's doorstep, but that you will likely not be so lucky. It is hard, grueling, painful work undoing such ingrained indoctrination, and it is work the cult member must start themselves.

Also JWs have their own Bible translation. There is that. You probably don't know the in and outs of their theology well enough to argue against it effectively, considering exJWs, often ones who have been deeply faithful and well read on theology, struggle for years, even decades, trying to 'wake up' loved ones.

I know all the arguments. I can not save my father.

-"You said not to try saying you're an apostate, but what about disfellowshipped? What does disfellowshipped even mean?"

Disfellowshipping is the JW version of excommunication. It's a punishment, meant to keep members in line and in fear of losing their entire support network, since current members (other than elders, which is a JW priest) are not allowed to interact with disfellowshipped members, on pain of being disfellowshipped themselves. You can be disfellowshipped for extramarital sex, for smoking, and for 'apostasy', among a long, long list of sins.

Apostates are the JW boogeyman, former members who were punished or left on their own accord (which would be 'disassociation' rather than disfellowshipping) because they disagreed with the theology. It is the greatest sin imaginable to a JW, since it is the only one that you can't really be forgiven for. You heard the 'truth', and yet you turned it away. It also makes them, in JW eyes, particularly potent enemies.

So here's the thing about claiming either of these things about yourself: JWs often harass former members to get them back. They're viewed as 'lost sheep', who simply need to be led back into the fold. But that can't be dealt with by your rank and file member - no, that's a job for elders, or even higher ranking members if they're available. So yeah, you scared off some JWs, but now you might have the guys in charge of them coming your way. These are the people determined especially loyal to the cult and are further trained in 'counselling' (emotional manipulation to keep members toeing the line), by the way.

-"Well, I live in an apartment building with a building access code! I'm safe, right?"

:) You'd think so, huh?

When I was in, I lived in a dense downtown area with a lot of apartment buildings. Most of them have access codes. We had those codes, a lot of the time. I'm still not sure how we got them - most of them had been gathered well before they reached my family. My only guess is a JW, somewhere along the line, had a 'study' (in the works convert) in the building and was given the code to visit them and, like JWs do, saved that information it for future use.

[squirrelno2]

I did threaten to do some jatp oc posting sooooo

(I'm thinking about a series of small pieces about Willie meeting various HGC ghosts - let me know if you're into this?)

Willie met Genevieve when he decided to experiment with trampolines. He was disappointed to find that he couldn't jump on them, not without a lot more effort than was worthwhile, but when he emerged from underneath the trampoline he saw a woman sitting at the top of the silks hanging on the other end of the circus's rehearsal space like she did it all the time. He paused, hoping he was about to see a show.

Then she turned her head and saw him, and he realised that she was probably dealing with the same issue he'd found with the trampoline.

"Let me guess," Willie called. "You're falling through."

She scowled, slipping into the silks and falling a few feet before she caught herself.

"Go away," she said.

"Have you been dead long?" Willie couldn't help but ask. It was a familiar kind of stubbornness on her face. Lots of new ghosts looked like that when they tried to cling to life.

"I'm not dead!" she snapped, struggling to climb back up.

"Are you like a superhero, then? There's only so many options."

She appeared on the floor, face bright pink with fury. With an angry swipe of her wrist across her eyes, she turned towards Willie.

"You shouldn't be here."

"Maybe. But who's gonna stop me?" He raised his arms gleefully. He wasn't about to touch the whole "I'm not dead" thing, but maybe he could ease her into understanding that death wasn't the end of the world.

"What if you mess with something here? People can get hurt on this equipment!"

Willie looked up at the silks, then at the ghost in front of him.

"I'm always careful," he said. "No bouncing or climbing when lifers are here. I know that."

"Lifers," she repeated. She looked steadier now, though her eyes were still bright and watery. "What are you, the circus ghost?"

Willie resisted the urge to say that was probably her.

"Just visiting," he said. "But I know a place where the silks won't let you down."

The woman rubbed the back of her neck.

"Really," she said flatly.

"Yeah, this guy Caleb has a fancy nightclub - old style, where they put on shows and do jazz dance. I never used to know anything about shows before him, but it's pretty cool."

She looked him up and down, frowning.

"You're just a kid," she said. Willie stood a little taller. "How long have you been -"

She didn't finish the sentence.

"Dead? Yeah, it's been a couple decades. You're really new to this, huh?"

She reached up, pulling her hair out of its ponytail and retying it.

"I guess telling you I'm not dead was a giveaway," she said when she'd finished.

"Hey, we all have moments like that," Willie said. "But it's easier to get used to it all when you're not alone. Wanna come check it out?"

She turned, looking behind her at the silks she couldn't use. She rubbed her neck again.

"I guess it couldn't hurt."

Willie grinned and spun, flinging his arms wide.

"Just wait," he said. "Caleb knows everything there is to know about the afterlife. You'll be back up there in no time."

She laughed softly.

"What's your name?" she asked. "Are you... Alone?"

"I'm Willie," he said. He knew the look on her face pretty well, and decided to head her off at the pass. "And it's not like it would be a good thing if a ghost like me had any family around, you know? That's the thing about all this, you kinda have to make a new one. And not look at us teenagers like we're kids."

"Right," she said. "Decades."

Willie nodded, glad she understood. He wanted to make sure all the ghosts at the club felt like family, but that didn't mean he was looking for some kind of parent.

"I'm Genevieve," she said. "Thanks for this."

"Hey," Willie said. "We gotta stick together."

Genevieve smiled.

"I guess death is like performing that way," she said. "Just... Tell me the need for unions isn't so pressing."

"Don't worry," Willie laughed. "You'll be fine."

[neilgayman69]

What it takes for you to be honest - (2/2) - hotchreid

---------------

No one came through the door.

Hotch was all on his own trying to get out if this.

But he couldn't move. He couldn't even register how many times he had been stabbed, but he was acutely aware of the growing pool of blood.

He could almost hear Reid rattling off the statistical probability of him surviving, and he knew it was dwindling with every time he saw that knife come towards him.

--------------------

They all saw how Hotch had been during the case, they could tell he just wanted to close it and move on, that he was struggling to keep himself focused on the scenes.

Spencer had had a hard time hiding his concern. He and Rossi had both talked about it while Aaron was with a suspect.

"it's pretty common for people who feel they fall short in certian areas to notice and identity with those traits when seen in other people, I thought it was just the physical appearances till it was clear the unsub was targeting single father's." Reid had said.

They were both aware of Aaron's self perceived shortcomings as a father, as was the rest of the team, and they knew it seeped into how he operated as the unit chief.

"He needs to give himself a break" - Rossi said. - " he does the best he can and jack knows that, and we do too."

Reid agreed.

He wished he could have done more to help Hotch over the course of the case, but he didn't want to stand out and make his feelings for him obvious.

Hotch had enough on his plate and Reid didnt want to make it worse.

He had to mentally restrain himself when Rossi said he would go over to Hotches house the night they returned.

He wanted to join him, but he knew it would be so much harder to keep himself from accidentally exposing whatever feelings he had for Hotch when all he wanted to do was hug him and distract from the case.

So he let Rossi go and just asked to be updated on how Hotch was doing.

---------------

Rossi got to the house at about 3 in the morning. Which, for any normal person would have been an absurd time to pay a visit at, though they had only been home about two hours and Rossi knew Hotch always got started on the paperwork as soon as he was back home.

He figured he would just get in and give Hotch the chance to say something.

He got up to the door and immediately noticed something odd.

There were marks around the door handle, and it looked like someone had attempted to rip it out of the door entirely.

Rossi opened the door and peeked in, grabbing his gun out of the holster and mentally thanking himself for not disarming before he left.

He quietly walked down the hall, gun in hand and stopped when he heard it.

Or rather, him.

"Waiting for your precious team to come in Aaron? Maybe I should go for one of them next, what about that doctor?"

---------------

"-What about that doctor? How does that sound?"

Had he not been so still, Aaron would have frozen at that.

"He doesnt...fit your victimology though." Aaron muttered.

"Ah yes, my victimology. Well he may not be the typical type I go after. But you're a special case, so i think I can make an acception." Brian replied, grinning.

"What does that have to do with Reid? And why am I special?" Aaron asked.

He just needed to keep him talking. To buy himself time. He couldn't even bare to think about what Brian would do to Reid right now.

"You were so close. Yet still so blind." Was all Brian said.

"Oh was I?"

"Yes. Youre just like all the rest of them. All you do is work while you're son gets pawned off to who, his aunt I assume? Nevermind the fact that even though you ignored your own son to try catch me, and you still got it wrong. Someone else is sitting in a cell right now because of you. So you get to be the lucky final victim. And you're going out with a bang."

Hotch could only pray that wasn't literal.

"You wanted to be noticed. To make yourself worthwhile, something for people to abandon something else that was important just to see." Hotch asserted.

"You could say that." Brian replied.

"Your father did that to you, didn't he? Left you with whoever would take you for a few hours to do other things, though I don't think it was work for him."

"No, it was casinos for my good ol' dad. Always going on about how he was going to win big and get out of here. I knew he meant by himself and that I'd get stuck with whoever was unlucky enough to be watching me."

Brian started to pace slowly as he talked, spinning the knife in his hand.

Hotch took the opportunity while he was distracted to try move either of his wrists from the arm rests of the chair.

He knew he didn't have much time even if he was left alone now, and especially not if Brian came at him again.

"Would you do that to your son? Get rid of him to whoever you could if something else came along?" Brian asked.

"Never." Hotch replied.

"They all say that till they get exactly what they want. You would leave him if something or someone else came along."

"No I wouldn't. My son comes first."

"Well, let's see how that holds up after a few more goes with this knife then, shall we?"

-------------------

"-Shall we?"

"Freeze, put your hands where I can see them!" Rossi shouted, jumping out from the doorway.

He saw out of the corner of his eye as Hotch looked over at him. And even from his blurry view he could see how much of him was stained red.

"Drop the knife Brian." Rossi urged.

Brian grinned, and brought the knife to his throat.

He was on the ground in seconds with the release of the trigger.

"Youre not getting out of this that easily Brian." Rossi said.

He made sure to cuff him, and once he did he was on Aaron in a second, untying his hands and feet and examining his wounds.

Just more scars for the collection.

He called for medical and police assistance immediately, just before calling reid, and telling him to meet them at the nearest hospital.

-----------

Aaron woke up to steady beeping this time, and when he looked down only saw clean sheets and thankfully no blood.

He looked up and saw Reid sitting next to him reading, though when he saw Aaron was awake he closed his book immediately and began to tell him about everything that happened after Rossi got to his house.

"Reid, Reid, stop for a second." Aaron spoke.

Spencer shut his mouth immediately, and only then did Hotch notice the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Reid, I'm ok. It's not like this is my first time in a hospital under these kinds of circumstances."

Reid sniffled and replied.

"No, you're not ok Hotch, you got stabbed 16 times in the abdomen and you had damage to your intestines, stomach, and it's a miracle he missed your liver and major arteries."

Aaron almost grinned at that. Trust Spencer to know the ins and outs of all this by the time he woke up.

There was one thing he couldn't get his mind off of thought.

But first

"Where is everyone else?" Hotch asked.

"They all went home, we were meant to be doing shifts with you till you woke up." Reid replied.

Aaron's heart swelled.

"Well i'm glad you're the one who's here right now."

He was still trying to work up the nerve to say what he wanted to when he saw the tears well up in Reid's eyes again.

He furiously wiped them away, though looked defeated when he saw that Hotch had seen.

"Reid-" Hotch reached his hand out.

"I should go, just... One second I need coffee." Reid stammered, turning to leave.

"Spencer." Aaron said, more serious.

Reid turned to him, looking surprised.

Hotch reached out and gently grabbed Reid's wrist. He slowly pulled Reid towards himself and sat up as much as he could.

Reid let Aaron pull him till he had one knee on the side of the bed.

That moment was when Hotch decided he needed to be honest with himself.

He pulled Reid slightly closer, and gently kissed him.

For a second he would have said getting stabbed was definitely worth kissing Spencer reid.

Spencer kissed back before pulling away suddenly, and Hotch worried he made a mistake.

"Hotch youre... you're probably still feeling the affects of the painkillers they gave you, you shouldnt be doing stuff like this, you wouldn't if your head was clear." Reid stammered.

Hotch just stared up at him, and were he not so weak in that moment would have pulled Spencer down with him.

"yes I would Spencer, I've always wanted to kiss you." He said.

Spencer looked so red you would have thought he had been the one to be stabbed, and he was unusually lost for words.

"I've...wanted to kiss you too."

Aaron smiled and pulled Spencer towards him, this time with much more ease, and kissed him again.

When they separated, Aaron saw Spencer blushing under his glasses, and knew he would have done anything in the world to make him look like that more often.

He was definitely taking him on a date when he got out of there.

[sunstranded]

INTJ: How I see Everyone Else

I have disappeared lol but uhm... I'm back for another MBTI tangent no one asked for.

This is my personal experience with the types I've met in my life and also how I view them as an INTJ

Artisans (xSxP)

ISFP - Truly liberated people in their artistic endeavors. Thoughts of the future don't deter ISFPs I've met from doing something in the present, sometimes I envy that because it really saves more time.

ESFP - In confidence I can say, I do not agree with people saying they are stupid. Meeting one in real life is... intoxicating. I dare not elaborate (I can, but I don't want to). But, let me just say, descriptions of ESFPs are nothing compared to the real deal.

ESTP - Pranksters. They're just master trollers and pranksters. As fun as they can be, I want nothing to do with it. An ESTP bully once tried me but I didn't know what they said was supposed to be bullying. It went like: "You're fat." and I said: "Do you want a prize for pointing out the obvious?"

ISTP - ISFPs to me would be the true liberated artists, these guys are the truly liberated mechanics. They are hands-on and smart about it. I like having them as a mentor or go-to for when I need to fix my hardware.

Guardians (xSxJ)

ISFJ - Kind hearted pushovers. I don't like how they let other people push them around. I hate watching ISFJ friends struggle to say no, so I always tell them it's better if they do than stretch themselves thin. I offered ISFJ friends to practice saying no with me since I'm scary, bland but hard to offend.

ESFJ - We don't talk often because I don't want to. They talk too much and mean too little which, may sound insulting but I think is a superpower. Doing that drains me and it fuels them, so I think it's cool and they're genuinely fun to be around. First BFF was one, she may have been high-maintenance but I find joy in maintaining people I like, even if it is hard.

ESTJ - Most women in my family are like this so I am quite... understanding and soft when I notice someone outside the family is one. They take control of the room and get things done, I like that. I learn so much from them too.

ISTJ - Nerds. Absolute nerds for efficacy. My type of crowd. Just silence and getting the work done. I trust all ISTJs that I can leave them to do NOTHING and they will find something worthwhile to do. They might insult me unknowingly along the way and be mean, but hey, I'm literally just as "bad."

Mediators (xNFx)

INFP - They have an innate ability to slow me down. I tend to speak curtly, fast and brief. But I also don't say anything I don't mean, so it can really sound rude. However, no INFP in my life have gotten this treatment from me. I do not know why; I don't want to know why. I just get this empowering feeling to protect them at all costs and I hate it; most of them keep calling me their dad. I'm a gay woman.

ENFP - Most INTJs are shipped with ENFPs but I say, nay. First of all, personality types do not at all, work with "compatibility." Sure, it can but that does not mean it should. We can all be compatible with whomever, we just use MBTI to get a sense of self and be better. So to ENFPs, no thanks but you guys have cool ideas and can become quite attractive when they do it.

INFJ - Emotional translators. I will go on a long tangent about an event in my life and how I think of it then my INFJ friend would summarize it for me, something like "That's called self-doubt." And they say it nicely too, like: "Dumbass, you have a crush on them."

ENFJ - I have a friend that always gets this in MBTI tests but I'm pretty sure they are ENTJ or ESTJ. This just shows that descriptions and tests are misleading. Actual ENFJ friends of mine are prodding non-therapist therapists it is hilarious. Kind hearted, well mannered but they really need to learn how to be "mean."

Analyst (xNTx)

INTP - I have an INTP friend that just... each conversation we have always turns into me having to transcribe their thoughts into something organized and actually comprehensible. They're truly the nerds of MBTI. It is an honor to transcribe musings of one.

ENTP - I don't like the fact that I'm always attracted to these people. My bestfriend is one and we've made it clear that there is nothing romantic with the attraction and settled with... fascination. I dare not elaborate, lest their egos grow unimaginably (I am saying that in an endearing way).

INTJ - Having met someone like me is... most of the time, we never really recognize the other party is an INTJ. Just proves that no one does. If ever we choose to leave the house and be with people, we either act like ENTPs or ESFPs sometimes... even ISFJs.

ENTJ - They intimidate me in a good way. I told a friend if ever we'd be roommates we'd always fight over who does the chores and we'd keep track on who does it first and better. I know I'd lose but it's a fun time.

I am shocked I have met all 16 types in my life. It was... comfortingly alarming to know. What if I'm not an introvert after all?? Haha, no.

Introversion is not disliking people and Extroversion is not a people person. ENTJs and ENTPs in my life have been mistaken for introverts by themselves and others because of how they want alone time and how they have little to say to people. But that's because ENTPs are extroverted when it comes to ideas, not experiences or people. They'd be up into a new idea every time. ENTJs are very reserved because they are intentional individuals. But they are extroverted because they relish in doing things.

Introversion is just wanting either: left alone in silence or given/respected to be left alone for as long as possible. A lot of people want to identify as introverts because it makes them sound less shameless but I find that misrepresenting both ends of it. Introverts can behave like extroverts, I often do. Sometimes can even get energized by going out with people. The MAIN difference is that extroverts have an impersonal and outward focus with feelings, ideas, experiences, with life. While introverts tend to have something personal and inward focus with them. However, this is a TENDENCY/PREFERENCE not how someone will always be.

MBTI is based on Carl Jung's 8 Cognitive functions. It isn't behavioral, it's how someone thinks.

Maybe to make that disjunction clear, I can write about HOW TO TYPE PEOPLE as an Intuitive thinker that is NOT good at sensory details. If my time allows it, I suppose.

[detransdamnation]

I dont have anything worthwhile to say really, but im also detransitioned (have been for a couple of years now, after living as the opposite sex since early/mid teens), and im also having a lot of struggles with identity, and losing that cloak of invisibility or set of armour that passing as the opposite sex meant to me. Im sorry to hear you're going through it, i wish the best for you, i know its not easy, and its strange and isolating, disorienting and feels like a kind of death, at least to me. I hope whatever your future holds is good, or better. I just wanted to let you know that your words resonate. I really appreciate that you talk about your experience, and honestly especially that you seem to take a lot more care than most do in maintaining boundaries (for lack of a better word) around what information you want to share, its a good reminder to a lot of detrans people i think, that we dont have to justify ourselves by sharing every detail of our story.

Thank you. I hope you get through this, i dont know you, but i know it can be a lot to carry, on top of everything else life throws one's way.

I still remember a draft I had for a while (now deleted) that started with, "Detransition feels like watching myself die." I absolutely know what it's like to experience what you describe here. It really does feel like death all too often, especially when we have lived our lives behind a front for so long; in both of our cases, from the time we were children. It's very scary to watch that front fade away, even when we know that we are letting go for a greater good. I'm sorry you know what it is like to feel this—but I'm glad that I seem to have given you some ounce of comfort.

Thank you so much for sending this to me. I'm sending you peace, sweet Anon.