#and i wish it was easier to make it stop hurting bc a big part of me just wants

[shenzuns]

man.

my 2022 hard pill to swallow is that sometimes being bitter is not the best result for those i care about and even though i’m angry about things, being the mature one, being the kind one though that’s Really Fucking Hard will be the best thing.

and it hurts, and it sucks, and i want to be the asshole guard dog i’ve always ever been but no one’s ever stayed in the face of my rage so i have to be kind always. and i want to be kind, don’t get me wrong, but it’s so difficult and it hurts. i would love to stew in my rage and my bitterness and my cries of ‘it’s not fair’ but i’m not given the option to be childish anymore and it SUCKS ass and dicks and this is the cruelest thing abt growing up. being kind isn’t as easy as it used to be.

[we-are-inevitable]

from the burdened prompt list: “i know it’s selfish.  but i wish someone would just take care of me.”

davey struggling, having to work longer hours bc his family needs more money this month and jack finds him and davey accidentally lets this hidden “selfish” desire slip out

respectfully y’all are SO jacphobic if you don’t leave a comment on ao3 for this one (im joking (a little))

i hope you guys like this one !!

————

For the Jacobs boys, nights at the lodging house are a rare treat.

They always start the same. One of the boys at the lodge would tell Les about a game they were playing, or an event that everyone was chipping in on. A birthday, most often; birthdays at the lodge were apparently a big deal, since it was the one joy some of these kids might have. The boys who could afford to would offer up a few pennies to buy something nice. A dime novel, maybe, for the boys who liked to read, but usually the gift would be as much candy as a few quarters could buy.

Les, ever the social butterfly, loves being a part of these nights, and always tells their parents at the dinner table. Esther usually allows him to donate a penny or two, especially if this birthday was for one of the littles or a boy around his age. It wasn’t always like this, of course; the first time Les asked to stay the night, it took a long discussion before Esther and Mayer agreed, and they only agreed if David would stay, too. It was a little easier to convince them the second time, and again for the third, and fourth, and fifth, and now the boys don’t even have to ask: if they have a free night with no work at home to be done, they can go, but only if Esther and Mayer know ahead of time.

Once Mayer is cleared to go back to work, though, nights like those are few and far between.

As promised, as soon as their father finds a new job that will be easier on his health, Les and David are back in the classroom, learning literature and arithmetic as though their summer hadn’t been taken over by the strike. David had considered it a miracle, and Les had dreaded it since the start, but school was in session and David finally had structure back in his life.

That was what was missing, right? Structure. A clear plan. No roadblocks, no mishaps— a guidebook to the rest of his life, one he had made up when he was far too young to worry about such things. To David, school is structure. School leads to college, and college leads to a career, and a career means that David can provide for his parents, and his eventual family, and he will never have to worry about not doing enough or not being good enough because he will be enough and things will work out in his favor.

School is structure, and structure is uninterrupted, until it is.

When Esther pulls David aside one morning before he’s supposed to walk to school, David feels his stomach drop. “David,” she starts, her voice ever soft, calm, “Dear, your father and I have been thinking.”

“About?”

“Your schooling. We know how important education is to you, but, darling… You’re a smart young man, so I’m going to be honest with you. With your father’s new job, we’re still struggling to make ends meet. It doesn’t pay as much as his old job, and—“

“Do you need me to stop going to school? So I can work?”

“Oh, dear, we would never ask that of you,” She assures him, gently cupping his cheeks. “You have a brilliant mind, son. You are going to do amazing things one day, I’m sure… I want you to understand that we- your father and I- hate asking this, but,” She pauses, and David can see her frown pinch like she’s in pain, like asking this is hurting her. David hates seeing this expression on his mother. She closes her eyes for a moment, then meets his gaze with a sad smile. “Would it be possible for you to go to school, then sell the evening edition? Just until we can get back on our feet?”

Against his better judgement, David says yes without even thinking it over.

His family needs him. He can manage this. He’ll still be in school, and he’ll be making money, and it doesn’t matter that he already comes home from school dead on his feet because he’s so tired, because this time he’s helping his family and doing something for himself to make something of himself, and isn’t that the point of all of this?

Besides, it works.

It works for three weeks, at least. For three weeks, Does it, no problem. He goes to school and rushes through work so there’s less to do at home, and he’s still getting good marks on most of his assignments. Once school is done, he walks Les to the halfway point between the tenement house and the lodging house, tells him to take his bookbag and put it next to the door, and to give Ima and Aba a big hug for him. He watches Les walk for about a minute or so, just to make sure he’s okay, and when Les rounds the corner of the block, David takes off like a shot to get to the lodge in time.

That’s his every-day for three weeks. He doesn’t make much money only selling one edition, but he’s helping- he can see that he is. His parents aren’t as stressed anymore, and he’s still getting an education and holding down a job, and surely that means something, even if he comes home from work late and misses dinner with his family often and rarely ever talks anymore because he heads right to bed after eating.

Three weeks, and Esther finally sits him down one Friday morning before school.

“David,” she says softly. “Why don’t you stay at the lodge tonight?”

David it’s his head, brows pinching together. “You’re sure?”

Esther nods, and squeezes his hand, something she’s done since he was a child. “I don’t want you having to worry about walking home so late, darling. Besides, you don’t have any school tomorrow, and you haven’t stayed over in a long time— I insist, really. Have some fun with your friends.”

“…Okay,” David says after a moment, nodding. “Okay, I can do that. I won’t have to get up so early for the morning paper tomorrow.”

“Skip it,” Esther say, and runs a hand through David’s hair. “Take a weekend off, baby. Please?”

“But—“

“But nothing,” She interrupts. She has that look on her face: a mother’s look of concern, one that says she knows he’s overworking himself, but it’s not like he can just stop now. “You’ve been such a big help, dear, but you’re still a kid. Have fun, and be with your friends. Don’t worry about work.”

And David knows she’s right. She almost took it back, saying that David could work and go to school, after the first week— David was the one who said that he was fine, that he’d keep it up until winter and see where they were financially. If they were well off, he would stop working after the winter holidays. If not, he would continue. Mayer had said it was a good idea. Good work ethic, his boy; that’s what Mayer brags about to coworkers, and that’s the praise that David keeps square in his chest. Good work ethic.

Good work ethic.

That being said, David is appreciative of being given the weekend to be a teenager again. Everyone has been asking when he’s going to stay over again, and he hasn’t had an answer for them, but now he’ll be able to have a good night again.

The evening headline is a good one, too. Something about some bigshot in Brooklyn being killed. David knows that Spot Conlon and her girls are going to have a field day with this one, that’s for sure, but David is just happy that it was a big enough of a deal to make Manhattan’s news too. The papes sell fast, and David gets to the lodge even faster. Walking through the doors, he’s immediately met with the familiar chaos, and it brings a smile to his face.

“Dave!”

The voice comes from his left, and before he’s able to turn, he’s wrapped in a hug by Racetrack. It only lasts a few seconds, but David laughs and rolls his eyes as Race shoves him almost immediately after.

“Where’ve you been?” Race says with a grin, raising a brow. “You ain’t been here in ages.”

“I just spoke to you an hour ago,” David reminds him. He had seen Race walking back to the lodging house while he was selling. From the looks of it, Race had been walking back from Brooklyn, so odds are that he had been selling across the bridge all day. “I’ve been busy with school, but I’m stayin’ here over the weekend.”

Race nods his head, that signature mischievous smirk reappearing on his face. “Ya don’t say,” He says, teasingly. “Y’know, Dave, Jack’s been throwin’ fits without you bein’ around here so often. You should go talk to him. Does he know you’re stayin’?”

“Not yet,” David replies, shaking his head. “Is he okay? Have I missed something?”

“Oh, no, he’s fine,” Race says quickly. He pulls his cigar out of his shirt pocket, then the lighter from his pants pocket; he offers them up to David, but David shakes his head again and Race nods to himself. “He’s just been missin’ you, I think. He ain’t ever gonna admit it, but…” He trails off, giving David a knowing look, and, yeah, okay.

Okay, maybe Jack and David have a thing going on. There’s nothing really there, not yet, but the chemistry is undeniable; David had at first assumed he was making it all up— he’s never really understood this romance thing— but then Race pointed it out one day, and since then, David has gone to him for every burning Jack Kelly issue his mind could think up. How he wants to kiss him, but he’s never kissed anyone, but Jack has kissed a lot of people so what if David isn’t anything special? Or how it’s unfair that Jack can look so good in nice, tailored clothes, since he has that big job at the World now, you know, so he has to look nice and it kind of drives David mad, and how—…

And how David hasn’t really been here in weeks. And how David has only been selling, then heading home immediately after selling his last paper. And how he can’t remember the last time he had a good conversation with Jack, who should probably hate him by now.

David takes a deep breath. “Where is he?”

Not even five minutes later, his hands land on the last rung of the ladder to the rooftop, and Jack Kelly is there in all his glory: laying on his back, basking in the August sun. Once David has both feet solidly on the roof, he sees Jack’s eyebrow quirk up, though his eyes never open. “Crutch? You good?”

David clears his throat. “Uh— Yeah, but I’m not Crutchie.”

Instantly, Jack sits up, eyes flying open. His look is nothing short of delighted, and he grunts as he pushes himself up to his feet. “Davey! What’re you doin’ here?”

An oddly chipper reaction, considering they haven’t actually talked in a while. Back over the summer, David and Jack were fast friends, and even faster… whatever they are now. They sold together nearly every day, played cards between editions, sat next to each other during every meal, talked for hours and hours on end without ever tiring. They were a package deal.

“I’m staying the night,” David says with a nervous smile, pushing down the thought of this is ruined and he hates me. “It’s been a while, so I figured I could come back for a bit, if that’s okay? I have enough to pay for a bunk, I just—“

“You’re kiddin’ me, right?” Jack asks, walking closer. “Dave, this might be one of the last nights we get on the rooftop ‘fore it gets too cold. You’re stayin’ up here, with me,” He says, and that smile— god, that smile— shines full force. “C’mon, sit down. How’s school been?”

David follows Jack’s lead, eventually sitting next to him on a pile of blankets near the outward corner of the roof. “It’s been alright,” David answers, leaning back and bracing himself on his palms. “I’m still no better in math, but grammar is kind of fun. My teacher thinks I’m ahead, though, whatever that means.”

“That’s good, though, right?” Jack nudges David gently with his elbow. “Means you can take it easy.”

“I guess,” David nods, and lets out a soft sigh. Taking the easy road, it’s never been David’s strong suit. He supposes Jack is right; he can take it a little easier in school and not push himself so hard, that way he can pace himself while selling. Maybe he wouldn’t be as tired then, but… “I don’t think so, though. I’d rather just get school over with so I can focus on working.”

Jack is quiet for a moment. David stares straight ahead, resting along the ledge behind him, until he feels Jack’s hand on his shoulder. “Dave,” He stares, tilting his head. “What’s goin’ on? I thought you loved school.”

“I mean, I do,” David says quickly, though he doesn’t meet Jack’s eyes. “I want to continue my education so I can be a- a doctor, or a business man, or something, but right now… My family needs me right now. If I go faster with school, then I can help them, and—“

“Is that really fair to you, though?”

The question stops David in his tracks. Is it? Not really, no, but then again, what is? If life was fair, his father wouldn’t have gotten hurt. If life was fair, his father wouldn’t even have been working in that damned place anyway, and instead he’d be rich and successful like he had always been working towards. If life as fair, David would be able to focus on school, and wouldn’t be mocked and ridiculed all day for working a job. David knows he’s better off than the rest of the newsies, but at school, it doesn’t feel like it. Most of David’s friends don’t even have to work a job. They get new shoes every year, too, instead of waiting until the old pair gets too small or falls apart. If they rip their clothing, they can mend it and make it look seamless, not patchy, or they just buy new clothing all together. David doesn’t have that luxury. Life isn’t that fair.

He takes a deep breath, then says: “No. It’s not.”

Jack nods. The silence between them is uncomfortable, but only until Jack gently slings his strong arm around David’s waist, pulling him closer. David sinks into his touch, letting himself relax, letting himself lose the rigid tension running along his spine.

“I wish I could help,” Jack says softly, and shifts, allowing David to lie back with his head against Jack’s chest. “But, hey… soon, you’ll be outta school, and you ain’t gonna have to worry about that anymore. Right?”

“Until I decide to go to university,” David amends, “but at this point, I don’t- I don’t know if I can afford to go. My teacher is telling me I should, but it’s going to cost $150… I don’t have that kind of money. None of us do. And- And maybe I could save it up, but not when all of my money is putting food on the table— I can’t just… focus on myself right now. I have a family to feed.”

Jack rubs circles against David’s hip with his thumb, and sighs. “You deserve the chance to focus on you, Davey…”

What breaks David’s heart is that he knows. He knows he does. But it’s not in the cards, not now. David stays silent for a long while, and Jack does too; they listen to the sounds of the city bustling beneath them, the boys’ laughter filtering out from an open window, music playing in the distance.

Neither of them say a word, until David sniffs, and wipes his eyes. “I- I know it’s selfish,” He starts, his voice barely above a whisper, “but I… I wish someone would just take care of me. I know that’s not- it doesn’t work like that. I know. I’m supposed to take care of everyone else, but it’s so fu-fucking hard to just… push myself to the side.” As he speaks, his voice catches, and the next thing he knows, he’s wrapped in both of Jack’s arms. Jack’s hand rubs his back, and David finally allows himself to let go. Not a sudden outburst, no; this is a gradual accumulation of tears until David’s shoulders shake, but he’s silent, because outbursts are unappealing and sadness should be polite.

Still, David finds Jack’s voice grounding him.

“I know, I know… Let it all out, Dave, you don’t gotta be strong right now. I’ve got you, I’ll take care of you… You’re safe to let it out.” And how Jack always knows exactly what to say, David will never know.

David will never know how Jack knows just how to hold him, just how to run his hands through his hair and just barely tug on the strands to reign him in. He’ll never know how Jack knows to kiss his temple, his forehead, his cheeks, all while squeezing his hand or wiping away his tears. He’ll never know how Jack knows that humming calms him down, whether it’s his mother’s Hebrew lullabies or the melody of one of Medda’s songs from the last show she put on.

What David does know, though, is that he’s safe, and he doesn’t have to shoulder the weight of the world. Not around Jack.

When David calms down, he’s still resting against Jack’s chest, letting out a few heaving sighs. “Thank you,” he whispers, tilting his head up to look Jack in the eyes. “I— I didn’t mean to cry, but… thank you.”

“You don’t gotta hide from me, Davey,” Jack murmurs back, tucking a strand of David’s hair behind his ears. “You don’t gotta explain yourself, either… When you’re here, my job is to take care of you, okay?”

“Jack, no—“

“I’m serious,” Jack cuts him off, raising a brow. “You got so much on your plate, and you know that. Right? … So let me help, wherever I can. I want to.”

David takes this in for a moment, before sighing softly and nodding. “Okay. I… I appreciate it.”

Jack smiles gently down at him. For a moment, they stare into each other’s eyes, and as soon as Jack cups David’s cheek, it’s all over. David leans up and Jack closes the gap, and the kiss is short, but sweet, and good, and right.

The weight of the world isn’t so heavy after that.

[fortheloveofaussiegrit]

as someone who spent years having their stuff ripped and reposted to f1twt, i wish someone would've told me this before i went into a months-long spiral about the issue--but honestly, the healthiest thing to do is stop going on twitter and kindly ask ppl to stop letting u know your stuff is being taken.

i know that's easier said than done and sounds wack but honestly! my mental health was literally the stonks meme after i did this!! sometimes you'll come across your shit on pinterest or google again bc of reposters and it'll Suck™, but don't let this stop you from doing things you enjoy, yknow? at the end of the day, twitter engagement (and tumblr engagement too) doesn't mean anything and is completely forgettable. the important thing is, did you have fun making your gifs? sharing insane moments to talk about with friends? did you reach the audience who matters?

the numbers game on socmed hurts a lot, i know. my friends used to talk me down for hours on end about it. but people on twitter don't give two shits about us, so don't give two shits about them; they're not even worth the second-hand smoke you breathe.

sending hugs <3 -user mwebber

hello hello! thank you for ur message<3

I know that you and a lot of others get their content stolen constantly and ahh to me that is still mind boggling that people think its okay to steal someone else’s content but yeah it is what it is

The thing that got to me this time is the privacy of it all. I know im posting on socials but here is very different to twt/tiktok. I’ve never really been one for numbers like if something does well great and obvs there’s stuff i want to do well, but for the most part a lot of my stuff does not get main tagged because it is for a small group of people and myself!

what really gets me and maybe its just me, but the possibility for interaction with real people on twt. For me that is terrifying and the thought of rl people seeing some of my content?? … like why are we putting a gif of Mark grabbing his dick on twitter where he or someone related to him could see it? I didnt main tag it and i know its inevitable that more people will see it but that really fucked with me when i saw that. it still haunts me that the video of with me breathing and making noises from goodwood made it to twt too 🤣 thats what really got to me this time and ive tried to not let it get to me but it’s scary!!! lol

but yeah ive got big girl responsibilities!! and i probably wont be gone for long but yeah:) sending hugs back:))

[samuraisharkie]

due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didn’t have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesn’t help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering I’ve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. There’s also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadn’t been so far away. After that course ended I didn’t have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didn’t have that option either. After that I doodled but didn’t really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc I’d never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so I’d always do it for free. So even that wasn’t a big motivator eventually. Now that I’m struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. I’ve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but I’ve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something I’m proud of. I’ve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my “style”… but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and it’s worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I don’t remember the construction that would be in my mind’s eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mind’s eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. It’s like if you tried to look directly into someone’s face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what I’m imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just aren’t coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped “click” the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. It’s like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now it’s like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like it’s taking everything you have to not crash. I’m glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. I’ve ranted about it before it’s just easier to notice when you’re not sketching out people’s pets or doing super stylized doodles.

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

[spikesbimbo]

Soft sex pt.1   pt.2

-MSBY

Tags: cuddle fucking,cockwarming, morning sex, big dick!meian, bath sex, makeup sex, praise kink, hurt/comfort, pussy job

a/n: vanilla is not something to be ashamed of, its way more common than you think, you don't need to be doing kamasutra every night to keep the spark. none of that daddy shit in this. Srry : /

i also don't proofread, i h8 reading works right after i finish them, so let me know if anything's wrong.

NO KINKY FREAKY ASS SHIT 

**ONLY SOFT SEX BEYOND THIS POINT**

18+ Minors DNI

-Hinata

….Morning... sex. mmhmm

He could usually control his morning wood

But after being gone for so many days, finally coming home to see you, it was impossible

You woke up after you heard a few groans, feeling him rut into your back, turning over to see his face flushed and cheeks red, whether it be from getting caught or his activities 

So you decide to help him as a good s/o should

But you're also tired… 

So you just pull your pants off and tell him to go at it, not too rough because you had to work in the afternoon.

-

“Baby, you okay?” you faintly asked, turning around, eyes trying to open after hearing him make some noises. You hated when people disturbed your sleep, which you oh so loved, but your boyfriend was an exception, sometimes.

But what you didn't expect when you opened your eyes was catching him, red faced, with his hand in his boxers trying to make it stop. Looking like he was in a lot of pain, so your quick mind got on it, not wanting to see his face in any more discomfort.

“Here” you said, shuffling your back into him while pulling down your panties, setting your ass on his bulge, grinding a little to get him to hurry up. Knowing this was the only way you could take care of him.

“You sure?” he asked already putting his cock into you being needy as ever, which indeed you thought was cute in way but him stretching you out made you respond by pushing yourself even more against him, bottoming out which both of you let out some moans and curses, softly saying them as he wrapped his arms around your torso, giving you a minute before he started moving.

“S-shoyo”  you quietly gasped, holding onto the pillow as he pushed himself into you trying to close your eyes and relax, slowly but restlessly, getting deeper in you with every thrust. Leaning back into him his arm now moving around your chest, angling himself to where it felt good. 

His thrusts felt agonizingly slow, teasing almost, as he shoved his face into your shoulder, groaning how good you felt. “fuck, baby m’gonna cum.” he whined out. The pressure in his hips getting stronger with you clenching around him.

‘s’okay, hurry up and cum baby” you cooed, feeling him grow in you, wanting him to feel good, moving your hips back to catch his. “fuck-k” he finished, the warmness spreading into you, some dripping out onto your legs, slipping on the bed.

“You good now?” you giggled after some time, him finally sporting a smile instead of a frown. “thank you...” he shyly muttered out, turning you around to face him, wanting to see your pretty face.

“Can u wake me up at 3?” you asked, giving yourself another hour to get clean. Already being put back because you had to come in earlier today.

“Yeah cutie.” he said, putting it on his phone, you too worn out to do anything but stay still, now facing him while he snuggled into your chest, his head right under yours, finally getting the rest you deserved.

-Atsumu

You were a sensitive little thing, loving how rough and needy he got with you.

But sometimes you needed a break, it hurting too much leaving you sore.

But you're also a fiend for him okay?

who wouldn't be?

Jumping on him every hour of the day.

So you go and straight up, atleast try to, tell him that you want him to be easier with you.

But you were also embarrassed of it, being so needy for him, also not wanting his ego to get any higher than it was,  due to you basically you telling him you needed him everyday.

And he's like ok!! on it (¬‿¬)

-

“What wrong pretty girl, hmmm?” he asked, pulling your waist closer to him, dragging his hand on your upper thigh, fingers finding the outline of you panties under that skirt you were wearing. Him wondering why you looked so distraught just walking up to him.

“Tsumie” you said ignoring his question, bringing up your own, trying your best to get it out only for it to get caught in your throat.

“Hmm?” he responded turning all his attention on you, his gaze making you even more nervous.

“I- um... was just wondering if you could- ya know....bealittlemoregentlenexttime?” you said, muttering the last part out, hoping he understood and wouldn't inquire any further. 

He paused for a minute, taking in what you just said, glad that you were comfortable enough to express your thoughts around him, pulling you closer until his face was to your chest, looking up at you with his eyes glistening due to the reflection of the lamp in them. “Right now princess?” he smirked much softer than he usually did.

“Here baby. You're gonna come with me, and i'm gonna take good care of you...real good care of you.” he said, playful traces underlying his words, getting up from his chair while picking you up with him, hands under your thighs already causing a problem. Yes you loved dom, rough atsumu but when he was sweet and gentle, that was a whole nother story, as you could prove right now.

He gently laid you on the bed, taking all your clothes off, kissing all over you until you were wet enough, before attempting to “test” you with his fingers. To which you whined in protest, wanting him in you right now, wanting to feel his warmth inside and out of you.

He positioned himself on top of you, listening to whatever you wanted, fully settling himself inside after sometime, giving you time to adjust to him. He started moving his hips back and forth, his view of you beneath him being picture perfect, as you could say them the same before leaning down into you, muttering words of praise and affection in your ears. The only sound you responded with was moans and cries, but the look in your eyes, the look of want and need, the baseline for love, told him what he wanted to hear, but it wasn't enough.

“Thank you for putting up with me, you know i love you, huh? tell me baby.” he said not rushing you wanting you to feel at ease with him “Tell me you know i love you” he finished, desperate undertones in his words, looking at you with those big sweet eyes.

“I-i know you... love- me.” you choked out, his soft thrusts still hitting you deep, knocking on your cervix, but it felt so good; being in eachothers arms,  hitting all the right spots, his breath in your face entangling with yours, feeling more connected than ever. Before you knew it the two of you had finished more than once, now resting in eachothers arms, a 

“You feel good baby? He asked, an airy smile plastered on his face, you trying to do the same moving closer to him so he could hear you, arms still wrapped around each other.

“yeah.”

 -Kiyoomi

You loved him so much, even when he was a meanie

And he did the same, internally grateful that he was lucky enough to get someone as sweet as you.

Which is why he was making up for the argument he started earlier today.

Not meaning anything he said, just stressed and taking it out on you : ( not knowing how to apologize with words.

So he does what he knows you love, but you never ask him bc you don't want to bother him. 

You loved him touching you and vice versa, but you respected his wishes and only did it when you two were alone, even holding back in private too, not wanting to bother him.

So he gives you want you want, a physical form of an apology, another way to express his feelings. 

-

“shh..” he tenderly mumbled into your ear, the one he’d been kissing on for the past few minutes, the sloppiness of it that you loved. Your chest to his back, being completely nude with your legs spread open, one of his hands pinching your nipple while grabbing the rest of the flesh around it.

The sweat and tears adoring your face, masked in pleasure, trying your best to look up at him only to receive a kiss on the head.  

“Yoomi~”  you sofly cried, clinging on your hands back onto the fabric of his shirt, the one that he got back from his press conference in, the one that he came back in a bad mood, immediately taking it out on you.

His thumb played with your clit, two of his long fingers sliding in as well, leaving you more of a mess then you were already in, his voice accompanied, encouraging you to. He curled his fingers into you, not roughly but hard enough to make you feel it. Your other hand shakily grabbing onto the arm he was blessing you with.

You were such a sweetheart for him, an angel he thought. As soon as you walked in the room he could swear he saw a halo around your head, looking at you long enough to where he could bask in your beauty, but short enough to where you couldn't tell.

Sometimes he felt like he didn't deserve you, being such a bad boyfriend that can't attend to your “needs”, feeling like a dead weight on you. But the way you followed him around like a lost puppy, expressing your love for him in ways you knew he would like reassured him that you were the one.

“-omi” you moaned, legs now shaking, holding them in place with his arm, his fingers working faster while his hand was still cupping your breast squeezing it every once in a while.

“Come for me love.” he warmly mumbled into your ear, taking a break from kissing down your neck, his marks accompanying the glistening of your skin, being the prettiest sight in his eyes. You freezed up in his arms, finally letting go of his shirt, your head rolling back as far as it could. You ultimately getting the both of you dirty, your cum being now a puddle beneath you two, not having the energy to fret about it.

He lets you rest in his arms after your high, lightly resting his head on top of yours, giving it another kiss, gently holding you leaning into you before whispering a faint “Im sorry.”

-Bokuto

This is regular occurrence for you two

Yes, he fucks the shit out of you, but lovingly < 3

You two always express your love for each other through touch, being intimate leaves to you in a daze.

But after he wins a game and sees you in the crowd so excited, a big smile appears on his face, feeling grateful to have you in his life.

He shows you how much he appreciates you

-

“i love you....so much” he said, dragging your clothes off, eyes following you like a needy puppy, his shirt hanging on by one of his arms still in it, the rest of him naked. 

You could only giggle in response, taking off the bra yourself, seeing that he was trying his hardest too, not wanting to take any longer. “Ko, baby what about you?” you said referring to his state letting out another laugh. His hair even more messed up from taking off his hoodie faster than  you've ever seen, looking like a little kid trying to dress themselves.

“baby.” you murmur, your hands landing on the sides of his face, into your space, trying to bring him back to reality for a second. “I'm always gonna be here, always... so you can take your time” you finished, seeing he finally took your suggestion as he stood up.

He took off his shirt, now being fully naked for your eyes to admire. But before you could let your hands touch his chest he grabbed them, softly pulling you into his lap, wrapping his big arms around you while letting his head rest on your shoulder.

You got the hint and relaxed as he lined himself up with you, moving his head so that he could see before pushing himself inside trying to hold back his eagerness. “feel good?” he asked thrusting in you a little, the blush covering his cheeks as he held your body closer. 

“yeah...feels so good.” you faintly whined out. “...only you could make me feel this way” 

His big frame melted into yours as he started moving, your words being music to his ears, his slow strokes making you feel his need. You leaned your head on his shoulder too, slightly moving your hips with his, wanting to feel him even deeper.

His hands moved to your ass and the top of your back, gripping them firmly against his soft movements, letting out moans as he felt you clench around him, the soft flesh being the only thing  keeping him grounded. 

“F-fuck baby” he started before you cut him off with a “shh, you can cum.” trying your best to seem stable with the way he was fucking you, bouncing on him, hitting those seep spots over and over.

You felt him release, the wetness dripping down your thighs falling onto his, hearing a few curses and moans along with it, giving you puppy dogs eyes asking if you'd let him fuck you again, and of course you couldn't say no.

He kept you in this position for the rest of the night so he could hear all the words of affection, the praise you said he deserved, moaned into his ear. The scratch marks and bruises being the only physical trace left, reminding him of the love you two shared.

“You did great bo.” you said with a smile, sitting in his lap, eyes fluttering as you feel asleep along with him. His grip on you was still tight, kissing you on the forehead, his way of letting you know how much he loved you.

-Meian

Date night yayyyy

Anyways, he’s admiring how beautiful you are, thanking the gods for giving you to him

And he wants to show you how much he worships the ground you walk on, taking it nice and slow, as usual, but this time it would stay like that.

Even if he tries to be gentle with you its still gonna hurt for a min.

Poor baby :’ (

But its okay cause he’ll dote on you and coo in your ear of how good of a girl you are for taking him. :  )

-

“Please, meian.'' you whined, grabbing onto his chest, sweaty skin linking you two together, thighs connected to his hips. Rubbing your bare self on his length, the lace panties you had on being long gone, tossed somewhere on the floor.

He couldn't keep his eyes off of you the whole night, the outfit you had on hugging you just right, the skin peeking out every so often, his hands wondering all over you to your obvious enjoyment; and on the ride home he couldn't keep his eyes off your lips. The gloss shining bright in the streetlights, your natural pout shaping your pretty little face, so innocent, reminding him of all the times you weren't.

“shhh... its okay, I got you angel. We can take it slow, okay?” he said already reading your mind, knowing how his pretty girl thinks, holding your weight making sure you didn't slide down him too fast.

He let you do whatever you wanted to your heart's content, it was always about you, he'd always go along with what you wanted, never doing anything you didn't. You wanting to ride him out of the blue, wanting to take it at your pace. He was more than happy to provide, you usually letting him do whatever he wanted to you, its only right that he returned the favor.

“You good doll?” he groaned, only the tip being in you right now, trying to accommodate his size, even though you were wet from him jumping on you the minute you walked through the door. His hungry eyes not leaving you once, picking you up while shoving his lips on your soft ones, hands raking through your clothes, his hands pulling them off till you only had your panties on.

“Ease up baby, look... “ he stated, his grip on your hips with his big warm hands making you melt into his touch, distracting you from your end goal. “m’sorry... im trying to go faster” you let out, a few tears following while you froze in place. Your mind racing with the thoughts of this not feeling good for him, only you, instant regret flooding your train of thought.

“No, no, no angel,” he started worriedly, wanting to take care of you as he should, leaning up against the bed frame now being face to face with you. “its all about you okay? don't worry doll it feels good for me too, I'm not as impatient as i seem” he said, a slight laugh accompanying him trying to lighten the mood.

“here, lemme move all the way inside you, then you can do whatever you want alright.” he somewhat asked. You nodded, holding onto his shoulders as his hands and hips moved, slowly filling you up, now trembling in his grasp. The stretch making you whine, feeling his balls against your ass, already rutting into him letting out a few moans while he leaned back, thinking you were the most precious thing he's ever seen, a slight smirk now on his face.

“Alright angel, im all yours now.”

© all content belongs to spikesbimbo. do not alter or repost .

[spencersawkward]

omg I’m so excited you’re on here and taking requests!! do you think you could do something like baby Spence losing his virginity to a close friend & it’s like adorable, goofy, fluffy smut bc he cannot get over the fact that he’s actually having sex with someone

I’VE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS ONE-- TURN IT UP!!!

on a serious note, i'm so glad you asked for this one bc i really wanna add a scene like this in the fic i'm working on rn. i'm v excited.

summary: when the secret of Spencer's virginity gets accidentally spilled in front of the whole team, reader goes to check on him.

word count: 5.6k

relationship: Fem!Reader/Spencer Reid

content warnings: unprotected penetrative sex, creampie, fluff.

masterlist

hanging out with the team is easily the best part of the week. after spending days in Arizona with our focus entirely on the most recent case, my mind is practically ready to snap. I feel like I've been running on fumes, and when Penelope suggested we take the evening to hit our favorite bar, I was practically already out the door.

so now I'm sandwiched between JJ and Emily as we throw back our first shots of the night. my skin is already flushed with the elation of laughter, the pleasant thrum of conversation that surrounds us.

"that's bitter." JJ makes a face when she slams the empty glass on the table. I screw up my nose.

"why did we pick vodka?" I hate vodka.

"it gets the job done." Emily laughs. I shudder at the aftertaste that sits on my tongue.

Morgan wanders over, Pen on his arm while she totes a brightly colored pink alcohol. they're flirting as usual, but she pauses in her witticisms to grab my arm.

"we're playing truth or shot in that booth over there." she says to me, then gets the attention of the other two women. I let out a disbelieving laugh.

"truth or shot? like truth or dare but without the dare?"

"Reid, is that you?" Morgan says sarcastically. I slug him in the arm with a pout.

"be nice." but I'm giggling. he loops his arm through mine and we head back to the table, Penelope already starting a new conversation with JJ and Prentiss as they follow. Spencer is sitting in the booth with an Arnold Palmer, sipping from the straw like it's his job. I slide into the spot next to him.

"hi, you." I smile. "I haven't seen you at all tonight."

he holds up his glass. "I don't really drink."

"that's fine," I wave it off. "I just meant I wanted to hang out with you."

"oh." he smiles a little. "sorry."

"no big deal. you're here now." I shrug and turn to Pen as she calls my name.

"I'm gonna order a bottle. that okay?" she points to the bar with a mischievous smile. glancing once at Spencer and his slightly awkward position between Morgan and me, I make a snap decision.

"you know what? I think I'll just have a lemonade."

"you sure? Jayge said you spent the whole plane ride back talking about getting wasted--" Penelope's words cause a blush to spread over my face. I cut her off.

"I'm sure. thanks, Penny."

she nods. "of course, sweet cheeks."

I focus back on Reid, who is looking at me gratefully. he would never say it out loud, but I know he feels a little out-of-place sometimes. it's hard enough for him to come out with us to bars; the least I can do is be a sober friend. I open my mouth to start a conversation about an article I read the other day when Prentiss speaks.

"okay, so... who's ready?" her voice, always so certain, carries over the table. all of us make enthusiastic noises of assent, and she grins as Penelope returns with an armful of glasses. Derek gets up to grab the actual alcohol, and then when we're all settled in, the game begins.

"the rules are simple: you tell the truth, or you drink!" the tech analyst explains. the stakes for Spencer and me are lower, but that doesn't really matter. I'm excited to hear the team divulge their secrets.

"I'll start." Prentiss doesn't even hesitate before she looks at Morgan. "Derek, are you still sleeping with that one woman from sex crimes?"

Morgan raises his eyebrows at the question, irises flitting between Emily and the rim of his drink. there's a slight smirk on his face; he knows what a player he is and he's okay with flaunting it.

"Ally? no." he sighs. "things didn't end well between us."

"what? why?" I ask, eyes widening before I look around at everyone. "who is this woman?"

"cool your jets, sparky." Morgan teases me. "only one question per round."

"I'll tell you later." Prentiss raises her drink in my direction and winks.

"uh, no no." Morgan attempts to stop her, but JJ interrupts him.

"speaking of things not ending well," she says loudly. "Pen, why did you and Sam break up?"

"well," Penelope sticks her tongue between her teeth as she thinks it over with a devilish smile. her lips are a ruby red tonight, bright against her pale skin and big eyes. "to be completely honest, he just wasn't... doin' it for me. you know?"

"like--?" Emily glances down at her lap. Pen nods quickly and I snicker. JJ looks awestruck.

"I thought it was going so well."

"it was, but..." Penelope seems to genuinely think this over before she speaks. "if it's right, it just clicks. and it never clicked with Sam."

"profound." I compliment, high-fiving the high-energy blonde. we giggle before she turns to me with a glint in her eye.

"oh, do I have a plan for you," she smirks. "tell me, Y/N: if you had to sleep with one person on our team, who would it be?"

"women included?" I clarify, my cheeks suddenly on fire. how come everyone got easy questions except for me? I'm really just biding time.

"of course." she nudges my shoulder. I mull this over for a minute. I could say the truth, but I don't think that would be the right thing to do. however ironic that is. given the situation, I do something which I have never been good at and which I don't enjoy doing: I lie.

"although all of you are catches," I preface. "I think I would probably pick Emily."

Prentiss almost chokes on her own spit as her head snaps to see my face.

"me?" she asks.

"low-pressure fun." I shrug, the stress of the moment rolling off my shoulders with the ensuing laughter of my team members. Spencer takes a sip of his drink and peeks at me from his spot before I focus my attention to JJ.

we go on like this for a while, our original plan of "truth or drink" really just turning into a game of "truth and drink." as our laughter gets progressively louder, our questions and answers get progressively more provocative. we get into risky territory towards the fourth round, and I can practically feel Spencer's discomfort radiating off of him. thank god everyone has been taking it easier on him with their questions.

that is, until Morgan hits about five shots and decides to throw him to the wolves.

"so, Reid," he asks. there's no malice in his tone and I'm sure he's not meaning to embarrass the boy genius, but the question makes me wince anyways. "have we made any progress on the virginity front?"

it's like a fucking pall over the table. Reid goes rigid in his spot, and JJ's protective eyes dart between him and Morgan. Penelope's jaw drops.

"wait, Reid, you're a--?" her voice is tender, not judgmental, but Spencer's cheeks turn pink and he looks at Derek with a hurt expression.

"not cool." he says, body shifting in my direction. his eyes communicate everything; without a word, I know what he wants. I scoot out of the booth, letting him slip by me to walk outside.

truly, I'm speechless. we all stare at his lanky frame push through the door, but nobody talks until at least fifteen seconds pass.

"what the hell was that, Morgan?" JJ asks.

"I thought everyone knew--" he throws his hands up. "I swear I wouldn't have said anything if--"

"why would everyone know that?" I feel myself get angry for Spencer's sake. "that's an incredibly personal thing, especially to him."

"that wasn't you, my love." Penelope's voice is soft, sobered by the incident that just occurred. the playful air at the table is officially ruined, and we keep glancing at the doorway like Reid will come back in and everything will be fine. he doesn't.

"I'm gonna go apologize." Morgan starts to get up, seemingly beginning to realize the weight of his words. it's one thing to ask about Reid's sex life in general; it's another to point out specifically the entire absence of it. Spencer doesn't seem to be bothered by most things, but this is different. my heart hurts.

we watch Morgan go, the women all looking at each other with worried expressions.

"I feel bad." Penelope says.

"y'know, Spence never told me that." JJ observes.

"he really trusts Morgan." Prentiss says what we're all thinking. Morgan has always been like a big brother to him, and being embarrassed in front of your co-workers like that can't be a pleasant feeling.

we sit in a relative silence for about five minutes until Morgan walks back into the bar. he pulls out his wallet and pays for the drinks, then walks over to us.

"I'm gonna go for a walk. do you need me to call you all cabs?" he asks. those dramatic brows are drawn low over his face, emphasizing his regret. I look between my friends and clear my throat.

"it's okay. I only had one shot about an hour and a half ago. I can drive everyone home."

"okay," Morgan sighs, his head turning briefly to the door before focusing back on us. "drive safe, ladies."

and then he's gone.

"you guys ready?" I start to shrug my jacket on. they all nod and we get ready to go.

...

sitting in my apartment later that night, my head is swimming. even though it's none of my business what happens in Spencer's sex life, I wish I could tell him that it's okay. nobody cares at all if he's a virgin or not. but I know it's still embarrassing.

I hate that I lied earlier tonight, too. I wanted to say Spencer's name when they asked who I wanted, because I meant it. we're close, and I will always love him as a friend. but I've also always wanted more.

nobody, not even any of the other BAU women, know about my crush. I didn't want it to get in the way, or for it to come out and ruin my friendship with Reid. he doesn't like me like that, and that's fine, but what's not fine is not having him as my friend.

he was the first person I really connected with when I came here, and I feel a little protective over him, too.

once the clock hits eleven, I consider calling. he’s definitely not asleep yet. Spencer is a night owl. normally at this time he'd be curled up with a huge book, reading impossibly fast.

when he picks up on the third ring, the air leaves my lungs.

"Y/N?" he asks, more surprised than anything else.

"hey, Spence--" I hesitate, suddenly not sure what to say. sorry Morgan told everyone you're a fucking virgin? “do you wanna come over?"

maybe if I see him face-to-face, I'll be able to collect my thoughts better. the words hang in the air, festering over the line until I'm just about to take them back, before he replies.

"y-yeah. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

my hands are shaking at my side when I open the door for the tall genius. he's still wearing his outfit from earlier, hair slicked back like normal. I've settled for my usual sweatpants and t-shirt winning combo. it's not like he cares.

"hey." I smile, trying to read his micro expressions. there are two possible outcomes here, knowing him: either he's going to be totally, completely over it, or he'll be able to write a War-and-Peace-length book on why he's upset.

"hi." he gives a wan smile and I let him into my apartment, closing the door behind him and gesturing to the couch.

"I missed this place." he says absently, looking around at the mess of decor and case files. I snort as I recall the last time he was here. he wanted to borrow a book that I had, and we ended up watching an entire docu-series about homing pigeons. it was surprisingly interesting; mostly because his commentary is both informative and funny.

"it missed you." I anthropomorphize my living space, but the phrase hangs heavy. I'm worried about him. I'm always worried about Spencer. he turns to look at me, opening his mouth to say something. I brush past him and walk into the kitchen. "coffee?"

"sure." he follows me like a lost puppy, leaning against the counter while I pull out two mugs and get to work.

"hey," I pause for a moment to look him in the eyes. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry-- about what happened... tonight."

"oh, that?" he scoffs, waves it off unconvincingly. "it's fine."

I raise my brows the slightest bit, never breaking eye contact. he wouldn’t have come if he didn’t want to talk about it. he cracks easily.

"it's just embarrassing, you know?" he says, staring out my kitchen window to alleviate his own nerves. I gesture for him to follow me back into the living room and I sit down criss-cross applesauce on the couch. he mirrors me, kicking off those cute black Converse.

"I don't think the fact itself is embarrassing, but I totally get why it feels that way. he shouldn't have said anything." I nod.

"like, that's personal. a-and--" he hesitates a moment, gesticulating wildly now. "and it's not like he's got any right! at least I don't go around with so many girls that I forget their names."

the thought of Reid sleeping with that many women is a little bit funny, but it also makes my stomach twist with jealousy.

"did he apologize?"

"yeah, he did. and he was drunk, I know." he rolls his eyes. "I'm overreacting."

"no, really, you're not." without thinking, I scoot closer to him and place my hand over his, which is sitting on his knee. I remember that Spencer is usually pretty averse to touch, but when I move it back to my lap, he seems a little disappointed. I wonder if he gets lonely.

"is it weird?" the question sounds raw, like he's mustering a lot to hear my response. I shake my head immediately.

"well, for one, Spence, I would never judge anyone based on their sex life, period." I chuckle. "and two, no way! if you aren't into having sex at this point in your life-- or ever-- that's totally your choice and you're entitled to it."

his eyes meet mine, pools of honeyed hazel that swim with a slightly amber shade. his face is so pretty, it's sometimes unbelievable to me that he doesn't get more action. bone structure that would make a sculpture envious.

"that's the thing," he licks his lips nervously before averting his gaze again. "I am interested-- I just don't-- well, I don't--"

"don't have someone to do it with?" I suggest with a slight smile. he nods, then clarifies.

"girls don't really seem to be interested in me."

I let out a laugh, unable to contain myself. his head jerks up to frown in confusion. I’m quick to amend myself.

"Spence, that's not true at all. you're such a catch! you're sweet and funny and way smarter than anyone I know. not to mention that you're adorable." I compliment, letting some of the thoughts I've been keeping to myself bubble to the surface. "any girl would be beyond lucky to be with you, sexually or not." Spencer blushes at my words, but the squirming in his spot tells me that it makes him feel warm inside. he smiles a little.

"you think?" it's genuine. he appreciates being praised, and it makes my heart flutter when he gives me that expression like I've made his night.

"I know." more of what I want to say rolls around my mind, unsure of whether or not I should admit it. but I think that right now, it'll only serve to make him feel better. "actually, I should tell you something."

"what?" he's curious now.

"when we were at the bar and Penelope asked who I'd be with... on the team... I lied."

"okay." he nods, somehow not connecting the dots. I guess it doesn't matter if they've got enormous IQs; boys are still clueless.

"I was gonna say you." the truth presses from the inside out, lifting a weight off my chest now that it's out there. even if he doesn't return that feeling, I'm suddenly glad that I told him.

"me?" he gestures to his narrow chest. I nod.

"yeah. I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable or embarrass you in front of our friends." I explain. he breaks into a grin.

"thanks." like I've given him something. I feel myself smiling as well, and then we're just looking at each other. tension that neither of us is willing to break. as much as I'd like to take him right here right now, he hasn't said anything about actually having sex or even about being attracted to me. for all I know, he could be completely indifferent.

"listen, Spence--"

"would you be willing to--" we speak at the same time, both of us stopping and laughing awkwardly.

"sorry, you go first." I offer, and he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.

"would you want to... um..." he scratches the back of his neck before his eyes meet mine. "try it?"

"sex?" I raise my eyebrows. he nods. I try to find the right response. that’s more assertive than I expected. my pulse is fast, daring me to tell the truth. "I mean-- yes, I would love to-- but are you sure you want it to be with me, Spence? what about a girl that you like?"

"you are a girl that I like." he says this like it's matter-of-fact, like it's obvious. my heart stops in my chest before it starts to hammer.

"really?" a smile makes its way onto my face.

"I thought you knew."

"no." I laugh. my chest is full of sunlight.

"well, you are."

there's a brief silence where I try to get myself back on track. he likes me, too.

"are you sure you want to do this?" I glance at the space between our bodies, which has grown steadily smaller over the course of our conversation. Spencer is watching my every move with an intensity that tells me he's nervous.

"yes." he's unwavering.

"okay, well, you've kissed girls, right?" I inch closer. he nods.

"one."

"oh, Spencer," I sigh contentedly. "I have so much to teach you."

right after I say this, Spencer shifts uncomfortably in his seat. it's only then that I notice his hand covering his lap, the erection that's forming beneath his pants. my eyes flick up to his hungrily.

"sorry." he apologizes.

"don't be." our faces are inches apart and he's practically holding his breath. "I'm gonna kiss you. is that okay?"

"yes." he replies immediately. I place my hands gently on the side of his face, admiring the softness and sharpness of his jaw when I pull him to me, kissing him with a suppressed desire. his mouth is soft against mine, a little anxious to move. after a moment, he starts to relax.

his lips part and I deepen our contact, tilting my head and keeping it mostly mild at first. I don't want to shove my tongue down his throat. our knees are touching and his hand hesitantly finds my waist, the other going to run through my hair. I sigh into him, his fingertips a new sensation that I adore.

Spencer begins to give in a bit more to himself, asserting himself in the kiss and slipping his tongue over my bottom lip. I almost laugh at how quickly he gets the hang of it. he reads my body language effortlessly, not even skipping a beat when I climb into his lap and lace my arms around his neck.

"is this okay?" I pull away momentarily. he nods.

"you're so pretty." an unrelated response, but appreciated nonetheless. I laugh and peck his nose.

"thanks." and then we're back to making out, his hands resting on the small of my back. it's nice. I could stay like this forever, just pressed against Spencer while my fingers thread through his soft hair. he's cautious with me, and it's innocent.

I can feel his boner, can feel from the eagerness of his kisses that he's trying not to bring up the fact that he's literally just throbbing in his pants right now. in order to give him a little of what he wants, I start to rock my hips against his.

Spencer whimpers into my mouth. I stop and look down at him.

"do you want me to stop?"

"no, god, no— never stop." he's mindless in his reply, already grabbing my hips greedily and trying to regain that friction. I shake my head with a chuckle, then resume my actions. he starts to rut up against me, groaning into our embrace while his hands get more adventurous.

I withdraw, breaking the kiss to straighten up. he doesn't stop the microscopic pushes of his hips. I bite back a smile, enjoying the friction, too.

"do you wanna take my clothes off, Spence?" I ask softly.

"y-yes." he replies, gingerly taking the hem of my top and beginning to lift it over my head. when he places it on the couch beside me, his eyes immediately fall to my bra. slender fingers run up my bare waist, his watch glinting in the candlelight. when he doesn't immediately reach to unclasp my bra, I grab his wrist and guide it to the clasps myself. he moves with a surprising ease, unsnapping the thing and grazing over my skin as he slides the straps down my shoulders. I can tell that he’s shaking a tad, but it doesn’t hinder him.

the second that he's discarded the lingerie, he looks up at me with moony eyes.

"can I... kiss you?" he looks at my bare chest. "here?"

"of course, Spence." I nod. he presses his lips to the space between my ribs, drags them up to the valley between my breasts. lingers, then attaches himself to one of my nipples. I sigh, throwing my head back at the way he moves intuitively, sucking and running his tongue over the peak. he squeezes the other breast, plays with the nipple and starts to acquaint himself with the curves of my body.

the whole time, he's straining against my core, rutting helplessly in pleasure. it feels heavenly, with that sweet face of his so devoted to making me feel good, that I nearly stray from the purpose of the experience.

"Spencer..." I breathe. he moans at the sound of his name, then looks up at me from his place sucking on my tits. his teeth graze of my skin and I buck into his lap, causing him to groan appreciatively. my fingers tangle in his soft hair.

"Y/N," he pulls away from my chest, his lips making a soft popping sound. I gaze down at him, a bit lost in the fantasies running through my head. he's a natural. "can we, um-- like, expedite this process a little?"

"expedite the process?” I repeat back to him, giggling at his formality.

"what?" his voice goes up an octave, but he's smiling. "you know what I mean."

"I really do." I lean down, pressing my thumb into his jaw and angling his face up to mine to kiss. while his hands curiously move over my body, I start to push down the waistband of my sweatpants. I break contact just for a moment to peel them off, and he releases a quiet whine. it's cute.

"come back." he says softly, watching as I slide the bottoms down my legs, leaving me in my panties.

"I'm back." I peck his cheek, climb into his lap again. "can we take off your clothes, too?"

"mhmm." he nods. his lips part when my fingers work at the buttons of his shirt, undoing them with a torturous slowness. I can feel his eyes on my face the whole time.

"what?" I chuckle, peeking up at him for a moment before I pull his shirt open and run my palms up his chest, over his shoulders. he nearly shudders at the sheer touch.

"I just can't believe this is actually happening." he smiles in that way of his, like he's suppressing the depth of his emotions, with his brows slightly raised. I take the opportunity to enjoy the sight of him before me, his rapidly rising and falling chest, the smoothness of his skin.

"honestly?" I start to unbutton his pants, and he jerks up into my hand, blushing once he realizes the earnestness of his actions. I smirk encouragingly. "me, neither."

before I pull down his boxers, my eyes flick to his. "is this still okay?"

"Y/N," he groans. "if you don't do something, I'm gonna cum too early." he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment when my hand moves over his clothed erection, like he's holding on. "please."

"sorry." I release him from the confines. it hits his stomach and he waits for my reaction, as if he's afraid that I'll change my mind right now. but I'm definitely not going to. "holy fuck, Spencer."

"what?" he panics slightly, sitting up more. "is it not enough?"

"not enou--" I stutter, almost laugh. "no, it's plenty. I had no idea..."

"oh." he hides the pleased smile on his face, blush spreading over his pretty throat. in the interest of "expediting the process," I wrap my hand around the base of his cock and gently pump him.

Spencer's stomach tenses and he grabs onto the cushion of the couch with a tight fist, sighing.

"mmm..." he doesn't try to word his emotions, but I know. and I like that I'm making him feel this way, sharing this experience. Spencer and I are such close friends, I never thought we'd actually have sex. my assumption was that I'd watch him grow into himself, find a nice girl and treat her like a queen.

but here I am, spitting into my hand before jerking him off to prepare for what’s next. he’s throbbing, sounds coming from his throat.

"I'm gonna sit on it, okay?" I lean down to whisper in his ear. he touches my waist, my neck, kisses a random spot on my chest in the waves of pleasure that I'm giving him.

"o-okay." he mumbles, waiting for me to actually do it. and there's a moment of tense anticipation between both of us, when I sit up and pull my panties to the side. Spencer watches like I'm the only thing in the world, saving the memory of my body on top of his for later.

I run the head of his cock along my entrance, soaking him in the wetness between my thighs. I didn't realize how turned on I'd already gotten, and he lets out a quiet whine when he feels the evidence of how much I want him.

our eyes lock when I sink down. it's a new feeling for him, and the shape of his member as it stretches my walls causes me to bite my lip to withhold moaning too loudly. he whimpers, neck tensing and fingertips digging into my hips.

"o-oh." he sucks in a breath as I reach the halfway point. he's so big, I have to go slow in order not to overwhelm myself. but it feels good, too. like... unbelievably good. I grip onto his shoulders and my head falls forward into his shoulder.

"Spencer, holy shit." I moan.

"does it feel nice?" he asks, concerned for my own pleasure. I feel my chest flutter at the thoughtfulness of the boy wonder even when he's in the midst of losing his virginity, and I lower myself onto the rest of him.

"mhmm," I rest for a moment. "how do you feel?"

"like--" his breath hitches when I begin to rock back and forth on him. "like I've been missing out."

I can't help the giggle that slips past my lips, but then it quickly turns into a longing moan when he starts to thrust up into me like a helpless thing. Spencer is brilliant, but his brain cells go out the window when he throws his head back and begs me to move more.

I nod, raising and lowering myself until we reach a special pace. it's not fast or slow, just the two of us trying to stay in the moment while we hold on tightly to each other. I can feel the cool metal of his watch when he splays his hand out over my spine, the warmth of his breath while he pants against my shoulder.

he hits my g-spot over and over. my moans are torn from my throat by the burning of my lungs. it's like I can't breathe because I'm so focused on chasing the orgasm building in my stomach. and Spencer... I can tell he's almost finished.

the erratic nature of his jerking body tells me.

"I'm gonna cum..." he moans into my neck. "do- do you want me to pull out?"

"no." I arch my back and throw myself into the friction of our bodies. he stares up at me while I ride him, the merciless grinding of my hips because I just can't help myself. "oh my god, Spencer."

he notices how close I am and, in a surprisingly deft move, slides two fingers over my pussy to find my clit. the ensuing noise from me tells him that he's found it, and he begins to rub in quick circles. it's rough and hard, but that's exactly what I need right now.

"cum for me, Spence." I breathe. his free hand grips onto my thigh and pulls me over him, his own words unintelligible within the sounds of absolute pleasure.

"please." he begs for something I don't know, spills his seed inside of my pussy and holds onto me like I'm an anchor to this world while he peers into the next. the feeling of him spreading through my stomach, along with the reckless movements of his limbs and the way he looks at me while he rides out his orgasm, sends me over the edge.

"oh my fuck!" I collapse, grabbing his shoulders tightly and rolling myself down while he removes his fingers from my body. it's jarring, the intensity, like my normal functions can't respond correctly. all I can process is the tightening of my stomach, the pleasure between my legs, vision going slightly fuzzy at the edges. he moans when my cunt flutters around him, the muscles trying desperately to hold him here with me forever. I take deep breaths and slow down, my forehead dropping again while I start to remember my own name.

neither of us speaks. I think I'm still too in shock about what just happened, but in the best way. he keeps running his hands over my skin, then wraps his arms around my torso so that I'm pulled against his chest. I smile, kissing his ear before I finally break the silence.

"hi."

"hi." he's got a satisfied tone.

"do you need anything? water?" I ask, exhausted but realizing that this is still new for Spencer and it's my job to make sure he's as comfortable as possible. he nuzzles his nose into my clavicle and squeezes me tighter.

"stay here with me." there's a slight edge to his words. he's afraid of me leaving. I snuggle down, perfectly happy to remain. heat radiates from his skin, and I like the way it feels.

"of course."

we linger in each other’s arms, both of us coming back into the real world and holding on in an attempt to soften the blow. I just had sex with Spencer.

"thank you." he whispers into my hair.

"for what?" the smile on my face is lazy.

"for doing this."

"well, I really wanted to." I laugh. "so, I guess, thank you, too."

"you're quite welcome." his response is cheerful and then we're both laughing, the sound rumbling from his chest. "can we do it again at some point?"

"I would be happy to." I beam. the contented sigh that leaves his lips, followed by a slight sinking of our bodies down the couch in collective exhaustion, fills me with a joy that's quiet but obvious.

“I’ll last longer next time, I promise.” he says. I can practically hear the blush in his cheeks.

“you did amazing, Spence. don’t worry about it.” I press a few stray kisses to him.

I'll need to go clean up, soon, but it can wait a few more minutes. this is my favorite place on earth.

[clairecrive]

"Sunshine" - Sirius Black x reader [Requested]

This is for the anon: Sirius/Remus (You pick) with reader who has problem expressing themselves, so they use stuffed animals? To elaborate they have a dog which is happy, bird which is excited, cat when lazy, frog when sad, owl when tired, and unicorn for confusion? I know it’s complicated, sorry if this was a waste of time, Wish you luck!

A/N: I end up choosing Sirius bc idk it felt more fitting. Hope you like this x

Warnings: nothing, this is pure fluff, maybe language

Word count: 1.4K ish

(let me know if you wanna be added to my taglist)

(not my gif)

"Hey sunshine, I got your frog. What's wrong?" you say when entering the boys' bedroom.

It was just after breakfast so everyone was either hurrying towards their lesson or already in class, leaving the dorms and in general the Gryffindor tower empty.

Well, almost empty considering you and your precious boyfriend were still here.

As a matter of fact, you were on your way to class when Sirius' patronus found you and handed you a frog. Knowing exactly what it meant, you turned around and hurried back down the corridors.

Now, it may sound weird for your boyfriend to send you a frog, out of all the things, but there was a reason. Neither you nor Sirius was very good at reaching out and asking for help when something happened. Since it was something you had in common, you couldn't really blame him. But, after the first month of you dating, it was causing more harm than good and you knew that it was something you needed to work on if this relationship was to go on.

So you talked about it and came up with an alternative system. One that didn't involve words and therefore made reaching out and express your feelings easier. And yes, it involved stuffed animals.  Well, when you were in the same room anyway. You restored to patronus when you were not together.

If anyone thought it weird that both of you started carrying around stuffed animals, they didn't show it. Even if they did though, neither of you would have cared much since this method was actually working and had, in fact, saved your relationship.

It was also a great way to quickly check on each other. Receiving a dog, meant the other was fine, happy even, a bird would mean that something exciting had happened or the other had exciting news to share, But a frog, not that was something you dreaded receiving.

It was bad news. It meant that something happened and the other needed comfort or at the very least for their significant other to be there for them.

Hence the reason you almost ran to Sirius, doing your best to skip the step of the stairs that lead to the boys' dormitory without falling on your face.

Last time you had seen Sirius was yesterday night before heading to bed. You had slept in and therefore missed breakfast. What could have gone wrong in such a short amount of time, you wondered. You just hoped that it wasn't anything gravely serious.

The sight that welcomed you when you finally reached him was disheartening, however.

Sirius was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn't move, nor when he heard your footsteps nor when you spoke. He just held up an open envelope for you to see and nothing else was needed. You knew what had put him in bad mood.

That goddammit psychotic abusive family of his.

Oh, how you hated them.

The idea that someone couldn't see how wonderful Sirius was and not only that but also the fact that they actively went out of their ways to send him hate and harmful letters even when he was far away and had cut any connections with them?

Fucking absurd.

Sighing, you walked to his bed and quickly stepped out of your shoes before lying next to him. "Do you want to talk about it?" you almost whispered.

Propping you heard on your hand, you gently moved away some of his curls away from his face. He was still not looking at you but he softly shook his head at your question.

Okay, you thought.

You lowered your hand to his face so that your fingers could start tracing his beautiful face. Leaving a small kiss on his temple, you reached out so that your arm was around him. Your kisses slowly moved all over his face. His other temple first, then his forehead. His nose. His cheeks. When it came to his lips, you stopped and just hovered over them.

Gently turning his face to yours, you waited for his eyes to meet yours before speaking. "They don't know the real you, my love."

If only he could see himself the way you saw him. If only he could see how false his family's words were.

"Everything they say is a blatant lie because they do not know you"- emphasis on not - "because if they did, the would agree with me."

The sadness and the hurt in his eyes were so evident that you had to fought tears back. You knew that this was something he had to face on his own and that your words were just that - words. Almost useless. But you had to do something and if there was even the tiniest chance that he'd actually listen to you then you'd try anyway.

"And you know what I think?" you smiled softly at him, your fingers trailing over his bottom lip, "I think that you're amazing. Precious even."

You were sure this was going to come back to bite you in the ass when he was feeling better. Merlin knows how Sirius' ego doesn't need to be stroked. At least, in public, that's how he behaved. But you knew him. You were lucky enough that he had let you in and showed you this side of him that no one knew existed outside his close circle.

He didn't say anything but his eyes didn't move from yours so you took it as a sign to keep going.

"There's no one out there who is so effortlessly brilliant like you are, my love." Leaning back a little from his face, you put some space between you after leaving the smallest of kisses on his lips."And I know for a fact that there is no one out there who cares about others like you do." Emphasizing with your eyes the "no one" part, you were able to coax the faintest of smiles for him.

You had noticed that your weird facial expressions amused him and apparently they worked in these situations too.

"Do you know why I call you sunshine?" You continued, a smile still on your face but your tone more solemn. You had a feeling that it was something he had wondered about since the most obvious choice would have been finding a nickname related to stars. And you knew how much Sirius was interested and fascinated by them.

"Yes, you're named after a star but I don't think it really matches your personality. See? Another proof that they don't know you at all." You lean back to sit on your feet.

"People don't notice stars unless they look up at the sky." Taking one of his hands in yours, you start playing with his fingers. "But you, my love? It would be impossible not to notice you, Sirius." Leaving a kiss on his palm, you intertwine your fingers and hold his hand close to your chest right where your heart is.

"You shine bright like the sun, making everyone around you aware of your presence. And yes, sometimes it can be annoying, but you know what?" At this, his smile grew a little knowing that what you were saying was more than true. Everyone knew that Sirius could also be spelt annoying on most days, especially during class. He got bored easily since he didn't need to study as much as everyone else to understand a concept. Thus, making it his mission to make someone do something with him that isn't studying.

"Everyone misses the sun when it's gone and never tire of it when it's there." Squeezing the hand you were holding, you hoped to have helped a little. Maybe you did, or maybe you didn't but all your efforts were rewarded when Sirius smiled at you. This time he gave you a real smile. As a consequence, yours got bigger.

Letting his hand go, you cradled his face in your hands and gently pulled him to you until your noses were touching. His hands, in turn, moved on your hips and used them to pull you to him as well so that you were now straddling him.

"Come here, you big sap." And pulled you even closer to him so that his face was now in the crook of your neck, his breath tickled your skin. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders in a tight embrace. Oh, how much you loved this boy.

"Only for you, my sunshine."

[suchalonelysunflower]

Running Through My Dreams - A duet (l.h)

Pairing: Luke Hemmings x Fem! Reader

Summary: based on Remembering Sunday by All Time Low. A conversation with flashes of the past

Warnings: Angst. Language. Mentions of death (non graphic) Mentions of Alcohol. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language and I did not proof read this, I’m sorry)

Word count: 2k

Author’s Note: Just experimenting with sad topics and a new form of writing. Hope everyone can understand bc formatting this was a nightmare. Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and Likes are very important! You have no idea how much they help 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋🌻✨

My Materialist // wanna be part of my taglist?

How to read: Bold: Luke; Italics: Reader. Together

This might work better on mobile.

I woke up alone again in the middle of the night, it’s the third time this week.

I’ve been leaving the bed early

hoping you’ll get used to it.

I stay long enough, always leaving

after 2AM

The pillow doesn’t smell like her anymore. It hasn’t for a long time. She thinks I don’t notice

I knew you would.

But everyday I feel her pull farther away from me.

It wasn’t always like this

But I knew it would come to

this.

Still,

I needed to move on

What time is it? It can‘t be too late, it’s only past 2 AM and my head is killing me. What did I do?

The bottle near the bed should

serve as an answer

Fuck.

Where is she?

Sunday seemed so far away, but it’s only been a couple of days. You’ve been staying at his place, claiming that your apartment needed some fixing that the landlord promised to do, but that you needed to go back every morning just to make sure everything was in place.

You just never told him how early you’d be there. Making him wake up to an empty bed.

You woke up with the smell of bacon, cursing at yourself for letting sleep take over you last night. You didn’t mean to stay but what’s done is done.

Luke was standing in the kitchen, chest bare as he cooked the eggs the way you liked them.

You always knew me more

than I knew myself

“Good morning, love” He said when he saw you standing, almost hiding behind the door to the kitchen.

He smiled, and god you wished you could hate it.

“Morning,” You mumbled, clearly not in a good mood. Morning always did that to you. But Luke didn’t mind, he still smiled and placed a kiss on your cheek as you took a seat on one of the chairs.

“Do you need to go today?” He asked, placing your breakfast in front of you.

I always hated when she had to leave

You would’ve hated me more

if I stayed, even if I wanted to

Maybe it was the look in his eyes that made you weak. Those baby blues haunted you from the very start and you found yourself unable to say no to them. That’s why it was easier to leave when he slept.

“I can stay if you want”

She could’ve stayed forever.

He smiled bigger than before, pulling your chair closer to him as he kissed you softly. You melted against him as the sirens in your head went off. You couldn’t let this happen.

I could’ve told her that I loved her, I knew I did.

Do you even know what love is?

She never believed in it. She was afraid to get close, but I knew she felt it, too. How could she not?

There was something there.

Something I didn’t know was

possible

Something I felt all along.

But it’s late, or early and she hasn’t responded. Maybe

I got it all wrong

She must be there, somewhere. She might be alone. And I’m here.

You are where I want you to be

Where did she go? The girl I fell in love?

You laugh bounced through the walls as he chased you down.

“Luke!” You half cried, half laughed “Stop!”

But he only got closer, tickling your sides every time he could catch you on a corner.

It was just a game, just a moment for the two of you where you could just be yourselves. You didn’t get much of that before.

Luke smiled at the sound of your giggles, feeling as if the melody of them could very much be the soundtrack of his own happiness. He felt a bolt of electricity with every light touch, gracing his fingers carefully upon your skin to make sure he’s not hurting you. The last thing he wanted was to hurt you.

But did I ever? Maybe without knowing.

Your skin was on fire wherever he touched, leaving a scorching trail as his movements slowed down. The tickles now became caresses as you let your body rest against a wall, sighing softly when you felt his fingers trail up your sides.

The goosebumps started to appear the moment you felt his breath near your lips. His head hung low, letting his forehead rest against yours as you looked into his eyes.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. You knew by just a look where this was going and you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t want to let it happen.

Your hands flew to the back of his head as you pulled him into you, letting your lips capture his in a needed kiss.

You parted your lips when you felt his grip tighten on your waist, letting him deepen the kiss as he deem fit and making his tongue tangle with yours as he swallowed your moans into his mouth.

His body was against yours, pressing it to the wall and making you feel all of him as he covered your body completely. Never once letting your lips go until you gasped for air.

The look in both your eyes was clear as lust consumed your bodies. You pulled on his hand, smiling as you led him into the bedroom.

It was beautiful at the start

At the start we didn’t know

I should go to her, tell her I love her and that I’m sorry for anything I might’ve done.

You always took the blame

where there wasn’t one.

With the memories still playing inside his head, Luke got up from his place on the bed, instantly falling to the floor with his knees scraping against the carpet.

He didn’t know why his legs failed him when he tried to reach you, understanding that you were far away from where you were supposed to be.

She should be here. I need her here.

Luke got dressed as soon as he could. He knew he was too intoxicated to drive, he didn’t want to put anyone in danger; so he decided to walk.

He took his phone with him, smiling slightly when he noticed a missed call from you.

Why aren’t you picking up? Don’t you want to see me?

You were the only one who

could see me

I’m coming. I’ll find you. I know it’s not

It is

Too late

Your apartment building was just a few miles away, but Luke’s thoughts ran faster than he could. In his head he knew what to say once he saw you, once he made sure you were okay.

He had to tell you that he loved you, that he wouldn’t run away. He will give you all the time you need but, please.

Come back to me

The buttons all seemed the same to him, the names on the tags were too faded to even try and read them. But he knew your place by heart.

The second button to the left, just under the one who got a spot of red paint on it. It was the only apartment you could afford when you moved, but you loved it nonetheless.

He called, and called, and called, and called.

But the more he pressed the button, the more hopeless he felt.

Are you there? Can you hear me? I’m here. I’m here and I’m not leaving, not unless you want me to.

I don’t want to, but you will

Desperate, he starts pressing the buttons of your neighbors, hoping maybe one of them would let him in.

“I will call the police” Your upstairs neighbor said.

“Please,” Luke begged “I just need to speak with Y/N”

“Who?”

The man hung up. Luke tried another button.

“Anne?” A lady spoke.

Luke sighed “No, but I need to get into the building. My girlfriend needs me and it’s starting to rain, could you let me in, please?”

“Oh, sure, honey” The sweet lady said, opening the door for him.

Luke thanked the careless woman as he entered the building just before the few droplets of water fell upon his jacket.

He got up the stairs, skipping two steps as he tried to reach you as soon as possible. To hell with his dizzy head just as long as you were safe.

“Y/N?” He called, banging on your door loud enough to wake you up, but not too loud to disturb your neighbors.

I know you’re there

I know you’re here

“Y/N! Please let me in!”

He kept on banging, each one louder than the last one. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as his concern grew with every second you were not answering the door.

It’s been days since he’s seen you. Days since you left after Sunday. Days since he’s been sober because you ignored him after telling him it was over, without any explanation as to why.

I’m not going to

Give up

I’m not going to answer

I have to tell her that I love her.

I wish I could tell you why

She’s my dream

A nightmare, perhaps

I don’t want to

You have to

Wake up

“Is there anything I can help you with?” A couple dressed in robes stood outside their door.

Luke stared at your neighbors for a while before he could respond. He dried the tears off his face before saying.

“My girlfriend, she hasn’t been answering her phone-“ He didn’t care that his voice sounded broken when his whole spirit was shattered “I- I mean, I just want to make sure that she’s okay because I need to talk to her. Have you seen her?”

The couple looked at each other, the man sighed.

“Are you sure you got the right door, son?” He asked.

Luke furrowed his brows, checking the number placed at the door one more before nodding.

“Oh, dear” The woman said emphatically “The lady that lived there moved”

“What?”

“She's been moving her stuff for days now, but I think tonight she made the big move and took off. She even left us the key for the landlord when he came” The woman signaled her husband and he disappeared into their home for a few seconds before appearing again with the key in hands “I’m so sorry, darling”

Luke shook his head. This was not possible, you couldn’t be….

Gone

“Do you want to check for yourself?” The man asked, handing Luke the key to your apartment.

He thanked the couple and apologized for the disturbance.

This can’t be true.

But what if it is?

She would’ve told me

I never told you how I felt

And now it’s

It can't be

Too late

Luke opened the door to your apartment, holding back a breath as he realized it was completely bare.

All your stuff were not there anymore. Not a picture or furniture that could prove your existence, not even a ghost that could testify that someone lived there once. A someone that he had loved.

He walked to the middle of your small living room, letting his eyes scan for anything that you might’ve left behind. Something that he could hold on to so he knows you’ll be back, or at least something that could tell him where you went.

The rain fell against the bare window, letting the shadows of the droplets racing through the glass plaster against the wooden floor, mirroring Luke’s tears as he realized that

I’m not coming back

Not like you expect me to

Why did she leave?

I thought it was for the best

But I regretted it the

moment I stepped into the

car

She could’ve come to me

I was coming back to you

I called and you didn’t

answer. So I tried again.

I swear i didn’t see that truck

coming my way.

Y/N

It all happened so fast

Y/N….

I’m not coming back

No….

I was terrified. But then

I was

I want to be

With you

Luke

I can’t understand

I did something so terrible

Could you…

Forgive me

I tried to find home when

home is where you are.

Now I’m in the clouds

I just need to know that you’re

I’m

Okay

I’ll be with you

But you won’t see me

I wished I could tell you how much I loved you

You already did

“Luke?”

The blonde man jumped at the sound of Ashton’s voice. He was standing in the middle of the field, letting the rain tower over him as he woke up from his nightmare.

It’s been three days since he stood in your apartment. Three days since he got the call from the hospital. Three days of unstoppable rain and grey clouds that seemed to be following him since the day he lost you.

Now, he stood in a black suit, letting his eyes wander over the carved letters of your name once again.

“Are you okay? Is there something you want to do? Something we can do?”

He stood still.

“I really thought I would marry her”

His band mates stood right by his side this whole time, never letting him out of sight. Letting their hearts break with him.

Calum placed a hand on his shoulder.

“She loved you, Luke. She would’ve want you to keep going”

Luke smiled sadly, “I always loved her more”

After a few minutes, Luke asked them to leave him alone with you to say goodbye.

He kneeled in front of the marble that laid on the ground, completely damped from all the rain, and smiled softly.

“I might never understand why you did it, why you ran, why they took you away from me far too soon when your car was headed back here… But, I know you were scared and I don’t blame you for that, you were always braver than me, even when you were afraid. You’ll have a lot to explain when we meet again, love, and I promise I won’t let you go when that happens. But until then, I’ll see you Sunday”

I’ll be here.

I love you

*

*

Tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @matchacal @bubblegum18 @irwin-fletcher-ash @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @1980holland @wiiildflowerrr @hoplessromantic727 @fivesecondsofonedirection @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @major5sosstan @myloverboyash @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @the-ghost-of-ash @alltimesos @girlwhosimps @wontlastimokwiththat @ttinahood @kingxnichole @givebuckyhisplumsnow @hufflehemm @wildflower98

[tottymatsuno]

Was thinking about why I like Todomatsu sm and I think it boils down to I would know where I stand with him at all times. It wouldn't require any guesswork to know if he liked me or not, in fact Todomatsu is pretty obvious when he dislikes ppl if his relationship with Atsushi is any indicator.

He's very honest with his feelings so I would know 100% if I were being rejected or not. A big part of my personal social anxiety stems from the fact growing up I wasn't a particularly loved or cared for child. Tolerance was love, hatred was love, wishing death upon me, pain and abuse was all love. If someone was apathetic towards me then I was already half way there. All of my best friends when I was a child were earned by offering my back as a footrest. People who told me outright, "I hated you at first and thought you were annoying." were a common thread before a series of self serving compliments. I didn't realize it back then but those ambiguous and open ended rejections were no's. A maybe isn't a yes, it's not a could be yes. A maybe is a no.

Very rarely have I met someone who said "maybe" and that turned to a yes. If someone said "maybe I can see you on your birthday" I'd be calling from my land-line to see are you coming?? Will you be here?

I don't like not knowing. I don't like it when people sugarcoat their feelings, I don't like unclear communication. It's hard for me to stomach when I ask are you mad at me and that person says No. And I know that means "I'm incredibly furious." I'm not a mind reader, and I when I realize I am try to stop assuming/projecting/explaining a reason to myself bc I have very low empathy and the conclusion I come to is almost never correct.

What I like about Totty is that he'd tell me then and there, "You're annoying me." or "You're making me angry." if he felt that way. It'd easier to know and if he wasn't angry at me I know he'd still be honest. He'd rather lie through omission than lie outright. If I asked "are you mad at me?" he might say yes and if asked "how mad?" he'd answer. Unless I really made him angry and then depending on what I'd ask he might say nothing at all rather than to sugarcoat it.

I like that he's still very gentle with what he says and that often he's thinking about things in both a logical and emotional viewpoint bc that's how I look at things too. I try very hard to communicate clearly because of my disabilities it makes it harder for other people to understand me. Growing up I didn't realize just how unliked I was because I didn't know that "I guess I could try..." meant I don't want to. I didn't really know these things.

It's better for everyone to make yourself understood. My paranoia is pretty extreme and with my past experiences it's easy to get why ambiguous things are bad for me. Ive got accomodating DPD, I was someone who was groomed to serve other people and any outburst or expression of negative emotions even just crying would often lead to traumatic experiences. The paranoia of being in a public space and knowing people are watching and consuming and making judgments of me that aren't accurate is hard.

If you correct them even if gently it feeds into the confirmation bias that, "well he said it so bluntly so I was right." and then that projection continues. My instincts are to become what people say I am and i try very hard after years of therapy to not give into that compulsion.

I like Todomatsu bc he wouldn't assume anything about me either way or at least wouldn't project it onto me. It's very clear he values getting other people's side of the story firsts he can understand situations better. I just really like that he'd tell me "No, I'm really mad at you but I don't want to see you get hurt so let me do this for you."

It's just better than being told "I'm not mad." when that person is seething and I can see it. There's no game to figure out "are they lying or settling, do they want me to serve them in some way?" when there's openness. It's actually very difficult the more people I interact with and the more facets I am told about myself that seem to be universal not to try my hardest to fit into that mold. I don't want people to really explain to me who I am, I don't know who I am. I'd rather understand others better.

[jpegjade]

Confessions - Spencer Reid

frens and ferns, IM OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A MONTH. so here’s a new fic about something i’ve been struggling with lately...

summary: With emily gone, Spencer is having a hard time coping with her death. After a little prodding, he finds comfort in y/n, who is struggling with their own demons.

gender: neutral (i think. i tried not to point to any gender terms so hopefully i did okay at it bc i dont feel like proofreading.)

Warnings: talk of addiction but nothing more

———

Getting home from a case was always, hard on you. There were days when it was harder to get up in the morning because of the physical and emotional toll the job put on your body. Ever since that un-sub broke your ankle, everything has been even harder.

“Y/L/N, nice to see you back." Morgan said as you exited the elevator.

“You too, D." You said, plastering a fake smile on your face. In truth, you wished that you were off for one more week but the world wasn't that kind to you.

The doors to the elevator were slowly closing when you heard Spencer shuffling quickly toward your direction.

Before you had the chance to throw your arm in the way of the elevator sensors, Spencer's slender body slipped through.

You were a newer member to the team. Well... You were the only new member to the team. Being a replacement for agent Emily Prentiss, the team getting to know you was a process. Derek trained you so he already knew what you were like in action but this was the first case the rest of the team saw you on.

The silence in the elevator was loud and thick with anticipation. Spencer was looking over at you in quick glances when he wasn't staring at his converse.

“You didn't press a number." Spencer said, barely loud enough for you to hear.

"Oh... I guess that explains why if felt like I was going nowhere." You chuckled at your joke and winced when you met Dr. Reid's blank gaze.

"Do you..." He paused.

Spencer shook his head, clearing the thought from his mind. You continued staring but he dropped his gaze back to his shoes as if he hadn't started and dropped a question.

The elevator doors opened, showing an empty garage. The two of you gestured for the other to exit first but you ended up going first.

“Did you want to ask me something. Dr. Reid?" You said, watching him hesitate.

"Spencer." He said, ignoring the question. "My friends call me Spencer."

"I didn't think we were friends yet." You blankly. It wasn't meant to be funny but you couldn't help but smile.

“My team consists of my friends. As you are on my team, we're friends." Spencer's face never changed.

"Okay, Spencer." You looked at him. If you weren't so worried about getting home, you would've indulged in the moment. But all you wanted to do right now was be alone with some pizza and take the edge off from today.

"If that's all..." You tried to close the interaction with him by taking a few steps back but Spencer took just as many slow steps forward.

"Actually," Spencer began, "how do you do it?"

You faked a chuckle. "Do what?"

“Hide your addiction so well." Spencer was so pointblank sometimes.

"What are you talking about?" You tried to control the beads of sweat that threatened to pool.

"Everybody knows.” It's your ankle that started the painkillers and you couldn't stop. It took you away from the pain, the humiliation.

“How could you be so stupid as to get caught? You're even dumber for finding solice in the feeling when you've got all of this support around you? You've got a family who..." Spencer trailed off.

Your head was still reeling from the beginning of his statement. Everyone knew... But how could that be? It wasn't obvious but something was off about the distant look in Spencer's eyes. It was like he wasn't looking or talking to you. The anger laced in his tone wasn't for you...

“Spencer," you took a step towards him, "Are you talking about you?" Spencer stopped talking. You weren't used to seeing him so quiet.

"It's been a while." Spencer looked down at his converse. "Emily was there. When it got bad, I would cuddle up with her cat on her couch and try to forget the thoughts. She wouldn't make me feel like a burden at 2 a.m., when I was screaming myself awake. She always told me to stay as long as I needed, even when I was positive she was fed up with me. I wish I believed her. I wish I stayed." Spencer tapered off into silence, sniffling.

A pipe dripping. Footsteps in the stairwell. A car alarm chirping. All of those things sounded louder than they normally would. This wasn't Spencer cornering you. This was a confused and hurting boy that was begging for help. He just didn't know how to say what he needed right now.

“Do you..." You started but stopped because it didn't feel right.

Where do you start with someone who is just like you: broken, hurting, and alone.

How do you comfort someone without enabling them to do something destructive that might make everything worse?

How do you avoid hurting someone when all you wanted to do was hurt yourself, in a way.

"Do you like pancakes?" You asked, startling him out of his thoughts. "Pancakes? Sure." Spencer slowly lifted his head and shrugged.

You started walking to your car, motioning for Spencer to follow.

The car ride with Spencer was filled with silence. The whole time, you were thinking about ways to explain the situation to Spencer without making it worse. Spencer was trying to decide if talking to you was a good idea after all, considering you were taking him somewhere pancake related.

Pulling up to the run-down diner, you looked over at Spencer, who was staring out the window.

"I promise the pancakes are better than the place looks." You chuckled, getting Spencer's attention.

"I wasn't really worried about the taste of the pancakes..." Spencer trailed off.

"Good, I guess." You said, a little bit defeated.

You and Spencer walked into the diner, where you were greeted by a friendly older woman named Janice. She knew your name by heart, since you were a regular, and she seated you at your normal booth.

"Actually, would you mind seating us at 12? This is Spencer, the guy I've told you about..." You blushed, hoping you said everything low enough for Spencer not to notice. His mind was elsewhere so he wasn't listening as he normally would. A part of you was grateful for that.

Janice did a once-over at Spencer, softly grinning, and brought you to table 12.

Despite the outside looking dingy, the inside of the diner was cleaner than Spencer thought it would be. He wasn't really fond of booths but these weren't the pillow seat booths where children could hide things between the bottom seat and the backrest. This was the plastic seats that hurt your butt after a little while. But what he noticed that was different about the seating at the table was that one half was a booth and the other half consisted of two four-legged chairs.

"I know you don't like the germs in booth seats so I figured this would be a better option." You said, unable to meet his eyes.

Spencer was shocked as you slid into the booth seat, avoiding his eyes. Spencer pulled out his chair, temporarily distracted by the fact that he never mentioned how much he hates booth seats. You paid attention and noticed that about him. What else had you noticed?

"So..." Spencer folded his hands in his lap nervously.

"Let's order and then we'll talk." You said, trying to focus on the task at hand.

Placing your orders, you went with your usual breakfast at midnight and he just ordered the same thing you ordered.

"It'll be good, I promise." You said, giving him a small smile.

"You never answered my question." Spencer said, looking up at you.

"I know." You were getting nervous again. The nerves hadn't stopped since Spencer asked that question in the parking lot but you were trying really hard to find an answer to it.

"How do you do it?" Spencer asked again.

"Spencer, it's not that simple. I can't give you an answer like that over something so complex. Why do you want to know?" You asked, trying to focus on meeting his eyes.

Spencer's gaze was intense when he wanted it to be so you settled for staring at the tip of his nose.

"I'm struggling, y/n. Emily was... She was family to me. If Hotch is the dad, Rossi is the cool uncle, JJ is the mom, Derek is the older brother, and Emily is..." Spencer's voice caught in his throat. "Was the big sister. I lost a sister the day she died and I'm lost without her."

"Spencer, I'm so sorry..." You said, wanting to hug him.

A tear slipped down Spencer's face as you watched him frustratedly wipe it away.

"It's not fair, you know?" Spencer continued. "I survived the worst days of my life. I got to live after experiencing torture and she didn't do anything but fall in love with someone who wasn't..."

There was a moment of silence as you let Spencer get his feelings out. While the two of you said nothing, Janice brought your food and drinks to your table. She must have sensed the tension between you and Spencer because once you thanked her, she didn't hover or make additional conversation.

"It just hurts and I don't... I don't want to feel it. I just want to escape the constant pain and be happy again, just for a little while. It doesn't have to stay forever but I don't want this pain to hurt like this for now." Spencer cut into his pancakes, taking a bite. His face changed into something of contentment.

"I come here when I have a... I guess you could say craving." You started, "Carbs and sugar are good for the itching feeling you get when you really need a fix."

A moment passed as the two of you enjoyed the food in front of you. After downing half of your food, you decided to speak again.

"What's your drug of choice, if you don't mind me asking?" You quietly said, your eyes staying trained on the way your butterknife slowly cut into your pancakes.

"Dilaudid." Spencer was so upfront about it. You thought you would have to pull it out of him but he made your job easier.

"Ah... Opioids are a bitch to kick. Controlled substance so I won't ask how you got it but I understand it's not easy. There was this study we had to do in training. This one agent got captured and tortured and the BAU had to watch as he was drugged, tortured, and almost died... I guess you would know them, right?" You asked, trying to figure out which team member it was.

"That was me." Again, Spencer being upfront.

"Oh...Spencer, I'm so sorry... I didn't know." You were remorseful, you shouldn't have brought it up.

"That's where it began. I begged for him not to do it the first time, not wanting the drugs. But after that? After the torture and pain and... Everything? I craved that release. And even after he died, I just wanted to get away from all of the stress in life. Feel warmth in my veins, mentally zoning out for just long enough to reset my mind and be reminded that there was something good in the world..." Spencer looked over your shoulder but his eyes weren't fixed on a particular spot.

That's the thing about being an addict... You don't realize how much it hurts to be alive until the high sends you crashing back down. And, especially in our line of work, all you want is to stay up for as long as possible because the horrors of reality will tear you apart..." You finished.

Spencer's attention came back to you as you spoke, making you a little uncomfortable. You couldn't meet his eyes.

"I went to a couple meetings in the past." Spencer said, thinking about his experiences there. "I didn't feel like I belonged. I have a good life. Stable job. I'm fortunate enough to have a roof over my head. My mom is taken care of by capable people. I don't have to worry about anything. And the guys there? They're struggling in many cases. They're fighting for the things I take for granted and I didn't know how I could stand to be in the same room with my privileges and pretend like my problem was important..." Spencer trailed off.

"Spencer, your addiction is valid." You were finally able to look him in the eyes and emphasize your point.

"Is it, though?" Spencer stared back at you, a challenging tone laced his voice.

"It's not fun..." You started, unable to look at Spencer any longer. "I don't do it for fun or because I want to stay high. I don't do it for the feeling it gives me. I do it because I feel like I have to."

"What do you mean?" Spencer tilted his head like a puppy who was trying to understand a new word.

"After I broke my ankle, I was prescribed these... Off brand pills. They didn't really help unless I snorted them. And even then, they didn't help my ankle or me. So I found something stronger. A friend of mine is a doctor and when I go to see him, I'm able to... I guess manipulate him into giving me the good stuff, the stuff that makes my thoughts slow down, calms the voice, gives me a sense of peace and not this constant anxiety." You said, hands tapping the table.

"Oh..." Spencer said, taking in what you were saying.

"I'm an addict not for pleasure but for pain. And my struggle is no greater or lesser than yours." You said, fingers still tapping away. "I struggle, like you, except the difference is I'm newer to the team so they don't know what it's like to see me in my chaotic neutral state. What did you do when you had cravings before? You must have been clean for a couple years now, right?"

"I went to Emily... I always went to Emily. I play back these moments when I snapped at her for wanting to help and I wish I just..." Once again, Spencer's voice was caught in his throat.

"She was your safe space when you felt like you couldn't turn to anyone else." You said, understanding. "You don't have to be romantically inclined to have a safe space with someone. It's whomever you find solace in, for any reason under and over the sun."

"I wouldn't feel this way if she were here..." Spencer said, more to himself as if he were trying to be convincing.

"Spencer, you have to be honest with yourself. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. And that something else might not have landed you with someone who was willing to assist you in your recovery to stay clean." You said, finishing your pancakes.

"What?" Spencer did a double take. No one had ever offered to help him. He always had to be the first to make the move but even then, everyone was reluctant to take on the responsibility of Spencer.

"Isn't there an unspoken rule about addicts not being with each other?" Spencer asked, genuinely concerned.

He hoped not because he would love to have someone he could finally confide in, someone who wouldn't make him feel like a burden.

"No, that's about addicts not dating each other. But I think that as friends, we can understand each other in ways others cant. We can fight together. Have you notiiced the craving is gone, for the most part?" You asked, sure that Spencers single slice would be gone in a moment.

"Okay. Deal. We can confide in one another and maybe it'll help us get a grip on reality when we feel ourselves slipping.”

“Okay.”

—

taglist: @goldentournesol @averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl

[silverlightqueen]

Song Request

'I just wish the cost of her happiness wasn’t my own.’

Jungkook x reader - smut, angst, a little bit of fluff, a pathetic attempt at some humour and a bit of cheese lmao

Part of ficswithluv’s Bulletproof Bingo!

Rating: 18 (graphic sex and mature themes)

Word Count: 11.5k+ 

Warnings - there’s quite a few, please read carefully! infidelity, illness (Parkinson’s disease) and discussion of death, brief mention of drugs, dom!JK and sub!reader, unprotected sex, oral sex (f receiving), pain kink, brief asphyxiation, JK has a big cock (and tattoos), hickeys, explicit dirty talk, degradation and praise, multiple orgasms, fingering, (ridiculously) rough sex, (kind of) soft sex, sad sex, brief mention of punishment, impregnation kink, possessiveness, hand-holding during sex, semi-toxic relationship, I think that’s it but please let me know if you notice that I missed something!

a/n: hey guys !! this is my first Bulletproof Bingo fic and I’m super excited to write some more fics for this event! I really like this fic, it’s one of my favourites that I’ve ever written, so I hope you all really enjoy it too! thank you to the love of my life @silverlightprincess for proof-reading this at 2am this morning and making me even more excited to post it by saying it’s one of the best things I’ve ever written (you’re the best and I love you). I’m like 99.999% sure that I’m gonna do a part two to this so please lmk if you like it bc it will motivate me to actually write the part two lol x

silverlightqueen masterlist

‘You really shouldn’t be here,’ I sigh as I lean against the doorframe, trying to avoid meeting his eyes. ‘I know but… I had to come. I had to see you one more time,’ he says gently, and I look down either side of the corridor to make sure it’s empty before I let him in. The hotel is crawling with our friends and family, and I’m sure they’d have some questions seeing Jungkook outside of my room.

I move to the side, and I can sense the grin on his face without even looking up at him as he brushes past me. I shut the door behind him, and when I turn back around, he’s sat on the edge of the bed, looking up at me. He’s dressed in a loose white t-shirt, revealing the black ink curling up his hands and arms, and a pair of grey sweatpants, the black Gucci sliders that I bought him for his last birthday on his feet.

‘Have you been crying?’ he asks, voice soft, and I nod, feeling the tears flooding my eyes again. ‘Oh, baby, please don’t cry. It breaks my heart when you cry,’ he says, voice strained, and he holds out a hand to me. Every time he does this, the voices in my head get louder, and it’s an internal struggle to see what I’ll do.

‘Don’t do this again.’ ‘You’ve done it before, one more time won’t make a difference.’ ‘You’re only hurting yourself, making it worse for yourself.’ ‘He’s hurting, and you can take his pain away.’ ‘He can’t love you.’ ‘He loves you.’

And the same voice always wins.

I put my hand in his, the familiar smirk appearing on his face, like he knew what I’d do, like he always knows what I’ll do. He tugs my hand, pulling me towards him, and he spreads his legs, allowing me to stand between them. He tilts his head back to look up at me (though he’s not much shorter – these hotel beds are ridiculously high), and lifts his hands to wipe away the tears running down my face.

‘Don’t cry,’ he whispers again, before pulling me against him, his strong tattooed arms holding me close, his face buried in my chest as I wrap my arms around his shoulders. ‘Will you let me make it better?’ he asks, voice muffled against the white satin of my dressing gown, the words ‘Bride Squad’ embroidered across the back of it, and I hesitate, the voices getting louder again.

‘You can stop. You can turn him away.’ ‘What’s the point? You’ve done this so many times before.’ ‘This time’s different, and you know it is.’ ‘This might be your last time. Why would you turn him away?’ ‘Be the good person. Don’t do this.’ ‘You deserve one last time.’

‘Please,’ I breathe out, and his fingers tug at the belt of my gown, letting it fall open, and he sucks in a breath. ‘White lingerie? Anyone would think you’re the bride,’ he whispers, fingers skimming over my exposed skin before he pushes the gown off my shoulders. His words hurt, and he knows they do, but I shake them off. ‘I was trying it on, ready for tomorrow. I have to wear white, because of my dress,’ I say evenly, and his eyes flit up to where my dress hangs up on the outside of the wardrobe.

‘Such a pretty dress. I love you in blue,’ he murmurs, my heart fluttering at the praise. ‘Get on the bed for me, angel,’ he says, words laced with dominance, and I instantly lie on the bed beside where he sits. He doesn’t waste much time, getting up and shrugging off his t-shirt before climbing over me, lips ghosting over my neck and jaw.

‘Don’t you dare put marks on me,’ I say as my fingers tangle into his soft curly locks, and he chuckles against my skin. ‘Can’t you just cover them up with makeup?’ ‘No, the makeup will rub off onto my dress.’ ‘What if I put marks on your boobs? No one will see them there,’ he says, lips trailing down to my collarbones. ‘But it hurts.’ ‘You like it when it hurts, baby,’ he says with a raised eyebrow, looking up at me, and I roll my eyes. He takes that as a sign to do as he pleases, hands sliding beneath my back to unclasp my bra, pulling the straps off my arms and throwing it over his shoulder. His head ducks down to my breasts, and he doesn’t take care to be gentle, biting and sucking on the skin harshly, coaxing shaky breaths and whimpers from me.

Once he’s deemed the faint marks that are beginning to appear sufficient, his lips trail further down my body. ‘So pretty. You’re so pretty,’ he mumbles against me, my skin tingling where he touches it. His movements become more and more desperate with each moment, as though he’s scared I’m going to leave, but we both know I’m not going anywhere.

‘What’d you want, baby?’ he asks, like he always does, and I sigh, because he already knows. ‘You. I want you,’ I breathe out, and he stills with his lips on the seam of my pants. ‘Be more specific, angel.’ ‘For fuck’s sake, JK, I want your cock,’ I say, voice laced with desperation, and he chuckles against the white lace. ‘Gotta get you wet first,’ he says, and a breath escapes my lips as he looks up at me, lip caught between his teeth, eyes dark with desire. ‘You want that, baby? Want me to eat you out?’ he asks, and I nod, before whispering, ‘yes… please.’

‘Whatever you want, angel,’ he says, pulling my pants down my legs, leaving me fully exposed to his hungry eyes, the desire in his gaze making me shiver. He spreads my legs before lifting them, moving closer to me and letting them fall over his shoulders, giving him total access to where I need him most. He swipes the pad of his finger against my folds, a shaky breath falling from my lips as he holds his finger to his mouth, tongue darting out to taste, and he lets out an appreciative hum.

‘Taste so good. Better than her,’ he says, unable to help himself like always, and I freeze. He knows it hurts when he does this, and he does it anyway, because it inflates his ego every time. ‘What the fuck, JK?’ I spit, moving my legs from his shoulders and recoiling in on myself. He lets out a gentle chuckle, leaning on his forearms, as he looks up at me, not one hint of guilt in his face. No, he’s lucky. I’m the one that gets all the guilt.

‘It’s not funny. I hate it when you do that, Kook,’ I mumble, and a little grin appears on his lips. ‘Sorry, baby,’ he says, words dripping with amusement, not even trying to be sincere. ‘Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,’ I spit, and his grin grows even wider. ‘Bastard,’ I mutter, and he lets out another chuckle, seeming to find this situation hilarious, when in actuality, it’s far from it.

Silence falls over the room, his eyes on me, as I stare unseeingly at my hands. I really hate him sometimes. How can he be so bold to joke about this, when it’s so wrong? I will myself to have the strength to send him back to his room, to tell him to just go fuck himself, but I know I never will, and he knows it too, which is why he insists on pushing the boundaries. According to him, guilty sex is the best sex. How he knows that, I’m not sure. He never seems to feel the guilt that practically eats me up.

This is always the worst bit. I’ve done this enough times to know how this goes, to know the stages of our time together. He lures me in with sweet compliments and sad eyes, before he pulls some kind of dick move, to test me. To give me an out. Though we both know I’ll never take it. I’m never strong enough. And then he gives a pitiful attempt at making it up to me.

‘Are you done sulking yet, or should I just go?’ he says, and my eyes flit up to meet his, dark and chocolaty, smooth and bright. I stare at him for a few moments, waiting for him to melt and apologise properly, wondering if he will this time.

‘I’m sorry, y/n. I know I shouldn’t joke, but it makes it easier for me,’ he says, sounding sincere, yet his eyes are unreadable, making it difficult to tell whether he’s saying it because he’s sorry or because I’m naked in front of him and his dick is straining against his boxers. ‘But it makes it harder for me,’ I say, almost pleadingly, though my words may be falling on deaf ears. It’s hard to tell when he’ll listen to me, actually truly listen to me, and take my words on board, or whether he’ll pretend as though he has so that he can get his dick wet.

It’s hard to tell whether he loves me sometimes.

‘I know, baby, I’m sorry, I really am. I won’t do it again, I promise,’ he says softly, and I nod, wondering how long it’ll take him to break his promise again. We sit in silence for a few more moments, and I can’t tear my eyes away from his. ‘You forgiven me yet?’ he asks, all of the false remorse gone from his face now, replaced by an amused smirk and dark eyes. And I want to be angry at him, I really do. But my will to feel him is stronger. ‘Mmhmm,’ I reply, and he grins, reaching an inked-up hand out to my leg, and pulling me down the bed.

As soon as I’m lying down, he’s on top of me again, his lips meeting mine for the first time since he entered the room. No one has ever kissed me better than Jungkook, and I very much doubt anyone ever will. His lips are soft, yet his mouth is rough against mine, his tongue gliding over my own, making me number with every movement. And when he pulls one of my lips between his teeth, so hard he draws blood, it’s game over, my mind turning to mush as he laves his tongue over where blood blooms from my sensitive skin. If kissing were a sport, Jungkook would win first place, like he does with everything else.

But it doesn’t last for long. Whilst he’s an expert at pretty much everything, he loses interest quicker than children do. Even more so when I’m moaning against his mouth and grinding up into him desperately. He breaks away from me, lips taking the same path down my body as a few moments ago, but this time, he reaches his destination. As though he can’t waste another moment, he throws my legs over his shoulders and licks a broad stripe up my slit.

‘So wet for me, angel. Always so wet for me,’ he exhales, warm breath fanning out over where I need him most, and I let out a desperate moan. ‘You want my mouth?’ he asks teasingly, and I nod, looking down at him impatiently, his eyes shining with mischief. ‘Beg.’ I let out a frustrated sigh, hating that he pushes me so far, so stubborn that he’ll never be the one to give in because he knows that I will. I always will.

‘Jungkook, please. Need your mouth, need you to make me cum,’ I plead, tone lined with defeat, and he gives me an impish grin before his tongue darts out to wet his lips. He ducks his head but doesn’t do anything, and my fingers tangle into his hair to prompt him. ‘Such a pretty pussy, baby,’ he compliments, and I eat it up, letting his shitty generic praise soothe my pain.

‘Jungkook, please,’ I whisper again, and he chuckles before his tongue dips between my folds. I let out a broken moan as the pleasure builds, his ministrations making me squirm beneath him. ‘So sensitive for me,’ he says against me, lips enveloping my heat, tongue poking between my folds before he moves to suck at my clit, teeth scraping against the bud to push me even further.

‘Yes, fuck, feels so good,’ I whine, voice shaky as I run my nails over his scalp, head falling back into the pillow, back arching up into the cool breeze blowing in from the open balcony doors. His hands slide under my lower back and he pulls me even closer towards him, trying desperately to get deeper and deeper, suffocating himself with me.

‘Oh. Oh, God,’ I breathe out, and he hums into me, the vibrations sending a wave of bliss washing over me, and I let out a moan of his name. And that’s what pushes him, what always pushes him. He loves his name on my lips, and he loses all restraint, lapping, no, slurping at me with desperation. Every movement is greedy, desperate, full of lust so strong it seeps into me too, loud moans and obscene squelching filling the room.

His tongue delves into me, nose nestling against my clit, and it’s euphoria, absolute euphoria, my hands tugging at his hair to bring him closer, impossibly closer, and he complies, making me whimper with delight. And then his movements begin to slow, and I know where this goes.

‘So good. Tastes so good. So sweet for me, baby,’ he says when he breaks away, the bottom half of his face shining with my essence, lips drenched with me. He doesn’t even give me a chance to plead, to complain, to beg him, before his index finger begins teasing at my clit, flicking the bud gently. Slowly, impossibly slowly, his finger trails down to my folds before pushing between them, and my walls tighten around the digit.

‘Stop clenching. If you can’t take one finger, how will you take my cock? Huh? Gotta stop clenching,’ he murmurs, voice soothing as his finger pumps in and out leisurely, and I nod, my hands falling from his head and clutching at the sheets instead. He gradually speeds up, his finger being joined by another and making me whimper, body shuddering as he scissors his fingers, attempting to stretch me open.

Without warning, he ducks his head to suck at my clit, and I cry out as his fingers fuck into me, my body working of its own will to get away from him because it just feels too damn good, so good it hurts. ‘Stop moving, or I’ll spread you over my lap instead. I might not have my belt, but my hand works just fine,’ he threatens, lips moving against my clit, and I tense, trying not to move.

‘I’m gonna…’ I trail off, biting down onto my lip, my eyes screwed shut as he curls his fingers against my soft walls. ‘You’re gonna cum? Is that right, angel?’ he asks, and I nod, not trusting myself to open my mouth to reply, knowing only moans of his name will come out, and it’s too dangerous. Her room is right across the hall.

And then he adds another finger, the three digits stretching me wider, so wide it hurts. I let out a whimper of pain, and he chuckles, his breath fanning out over my stomach. ‘Don’t complain, baby, you like it when it hurts. My little slut can only get off if it hurts, right?’ he asks, fingers ramming into me without any concern for how it hurts, hurts so fucking bad. So bad it has me balling the sheets up into my fists, my back arching up from the bed, moans falling from my lips, so desperate for more. ‘Cum for me, baby,’ he whispers, before attaching his lips to my clit again, his fingers curling one last time, drawing an incredibly intense orgasm out of me.

My entire body tenses as I let out a long, drawn-out moan, his fingers and mouth still working to prolong my high, and I clench around him, so tight his fingers are caught inside me. Once he feels me coming down, relaxing around his digits, he practically rips them out of me, a shudder racking through my body as I watch him lick my cum off his tattooed skin.

‘I’m so hard, so fucking hard for you,’ he spits out, his body radiating frantic energy as he pushes himself up from the bed, hastily pushing his sweatpants down his legs, quickly followed by his underwear, his hard length slapping up to hit his stomach, red and swollen and leaking with precum. The desperation in every movement of his tells me that this is the moment he’d do anything I asked of him. The moment he loves me most.

He climbs back onto the bed, hovering over me again, and surprises me by pressing his lips to mine again. Usually, nothing comes before his cock filling me up, but I’m pleasantly surprised at the kiss, no matter how sloppy it is. I can taste myself in his mouth, my own essence dancing across my taste buds, and his hands dig into my sides so hard I know they’ll bruise.

‘Why is your hair in braids? I like pulling your hair when it’s out,’ he murmurs against my mouth, sounding like a little kid, his words making me laugh. ‘She prefers my hair wavy, said wavy hair looks prettier with flowers in it,’ I reply, lips moving against his as I speak, and he laughs. ‘Flowers in your hair, huh? Gives me something pretty to look at when you get on your knees for me tomorrow,’ he says, words dripping with arrogance, and I pull away from him, annoyed.

‘What? Oh, sorry. You’re the pretty thing I’ll be looking at, not the flowers,’ he grins proudly, completely misreading me, and I let out a huff. ‘I’m not sucking you off tomorrow,’ I say, and he frowns, eyes still full of amusement. He seems to find everything endlessly funny. ‘Why not, baby? You owe me.’ ‘You know why not. This is the last time, Jungkook,’ I say, and he doesn’t react for a few moments, just staring at me unreadably, before he rolls his eyes, a grin spreading across his lips. ‘Okay. Let’s make it a good one, then,’ he whispers, eyes darkening, a fresh wave of arousal flooding out from my core as I nod, Jungkook pressing a brief kiss to my lips.

‘Hands and knees, angel,’ he instructs, moving off me to stand beside the bed, and I grin to myself, hastily turning onto my front. My hands and knees dig into the mattress, a little shaky with how weak my body is after my orgasm, but Jungkook doesn’t seem to notice – or doesn’t care about – how tired I am, just teasing my folds with the tip of his rock-hard cock. ‘No condom?’ I ask breathlessly, and he chuckles before pushing the tip in, stretching me out with a deliciously painful burn. ‘Fuck a condom. Wanna feel you clench around my fat cock. Gonna fuck a baby into you,’ he spits out, his words making me gush around him as I let out a breathy moan, and he chuckles.

‘My little slut loves the sound of that, huh? You want my baby? Wanna be nice and round with my baby?’ he asks, voice harsh and low, but I’m struggling to focus on his words, my mind occupied by the feeling of his tip inside me. ‘Answer me, or the tip is all you’ll get. I can cum easily; it’s harder for you,’ he threatens, and I know he’d make good of it too. ‘Yes, yes, want your baby, JK, please fuck me, need your cock,’ I say mindlessly, the words just falling from my lips without thought because I’m so desperate that my entire body aches for him.

‘Good girl. That’s my good girl. My pretty little baby,’ he says, voice soft and soothing, and I’ve gotten used to how quick his entire disposition switches, the change no longer giving me whiplash like it used to. He slowly sinks into me, the painful stretch prompting a sob to be torn from my throat, and he rubs my back soothingly as he bottoms out. ‘So big,’ I whimper, and he chuckles. ‘Mmhmm, my cock’s way too big for you, but you take it so well, angel, so fucking well,’ he praises as he stays still inside me, allowing me to adjust.

‘Please, JK, move,’ I plead, and his hands stop rubbing, gripping onto my waist instead. ‘Sure?’ he asks, though I can feel that he’s practically itching to fuck me. ‘Yes, need you,’ I breathe out, and he doesn’t hesitate any longer, pulling out of me before slamming back in, winding me. He’s ruthless, pounding into me so hard that his balls slap against my thighs, hands digging into my waist, both our skin damp with sweat.

I arch my back, and he leans forward over me, grabbing my two French braids in one hand, tugging on them to hold my head up, the pull only slightly painful. He fucks into me, hard, with no restraint, my head bent back at an uncomfortable angle, my moans projecting around the room. ‘Does my slut like it when I fuck you like this? Like it when I fuck you like the little bitch you are?’ he asks, my moans answer enough it seems, a strained chuckle falling from his lips.

He props one foot up on the bed, allowing him to hammer into me at a bruising pace, cock filling me up completely, having me completely blissed out. ‘You take my cock so well, angel, so fucking well. You take it like a little slut,’ he breathes out between grunts, and it’s forceful, it’s vicious, it’s primal the way he’s fucking me, so good I can’t think of anything but him, and how fucking amazing his cock is.

My arms give way before I can realise how much they ache, and I fall face first into the sheets. ‘Oh, baby, are you tired?’ he asks gently, his cock stilling inside me, and I try to lift myself back up, desperate to feel him again. ‘No, stop,’ he says, turning me over, his dick slipping out in the process. When I’m on my back, I look up at him and my heart flutters. His dark hair is damp and curly, his pupils completely blown out with lust, his lips pink and swollen, his cheeks flushed, and his entire body covered in a sheen of sweat.

He pauses for a moment, eyes flitting over my body like how an artist admires their work, and I know he’s revelling in how fucked out I am, how wrecked he’s made me, my chest heaving and my entire body radiating hot desire. And there’s something in his eyes, something else, something different. Something affectionate, soft, sad. And that feeling seeps into me, knowing that this is the last time I can feel his touch, the last time I can get tangled up with him in the sheets.

The moment passes and his eyes harden once more, his hands sliding beneath my slick body and lifting me up into his toned arms, my legs coming up around his waist instinctually. He carries me over to the door, his strength astounding me all over again, my fingers running over the ridges of his muscles. He pushes me up against the door, my legs still clamped around him, and his hands roam over my body.

‘Won’t someone hear if you fuck me here?’ I ask, my lips against his collarbones, and he chuckles. ‘That’s the whole point. Isn’t her room right across the hall? Maybe she can learn what good sex sounds like,’ he says amusedly, and my heart doesn’t sink this time. It was only a matter of time before he brought her up again. In all honesty, it took him longer than I expected.

He doesn’t even give me a chance to reply before he sinks into me, my face contorting with pleasure beneath his intense gaze. He pulls out, still watching my reactions, before pushing back in at an agonisingly slow pace. He rocks into me, cock dragging against my walls leisurely, and I can feel it even more like this, can feel every inch filling me up and stretching me out.

‘Fuck, so good, so fucking good,’ I moan loudly, and he pushes two fingers into my mouth. ‘Gotta be quiet. We’ll get a noise complaint, and I don’t wanna rush. Like taking my time with you, like ruining you slowly, like making you a fucked out little bitch desperate for my cock. Isn’t that what you want, angel? Want me to fuck you nice and slow?’ he whispers against my ear, and I let out a moan around his fingers, gushing all over his thighs.

He takes this as a yes, grinning devilishly as he fucks me deep, swollen head scraping against the soft spongy spot inside me, and I whimper and whine around his fingers as he lets out sinfully soft grunts and groans against my neck. He’s usually so rash, so hasty, so eager, very rarely fucking me slow like this, both of us savouring every thrust.

I clench around him and he grins, bringing a tattooed hand to rest at the base of my neck, fingers still in my mouth. ‘Feels good?’ he asks, and I nod enthusiastically, a little laugh falling from his lips. ‘Of course it does. No one can fuck you like this. No one can fuck you like I fuck you. My good little slut, only mine. I own you, baby. This pussy is mine,’ he whispers, the dirty words combined with the slow drags of his cock against my walls making me sob around his fingers, a grin spreading across his lips.

His hand around my neck tightens, cutting off my airways slightly, and I let out an unintelligible string of curses around his fingers, my breathing quickly becoming laboured. I clench around him sporadically, quickly feeling my high approaching, and he can feel it too, his hands disappearing from my neck and mouth, coming to rest at my waist instead.

‘So pretty, baby, so beautiful and good for me. Love your pussy, feels so good. Love having sex with you. So lucky I get to touch you, taste you, fuck you,’ he whispers between groans, and I let out whimpers at his words.

His touches across my body are featherlight and soft, his thrusts slow and deep, and he breathes out compliments and gentle words against my skin. And then I realise that he’s no longer fucking me. He’s making love to me.

He leans forward, capturing my lips with his in a kiss, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders, hands tangling into his hair. I feel myself reaching my climax quicker than ever as our lips move together, tongues and teeth clashing in the desperate and passionate kiss. He swallows my moans, and when they get more and more frequent, he breaks away from me.

‘Close, angel?’ he asks, and I nod, my eyes fluttering shut at the feeling of his body rolling against mine, thrusts slow and deep. ‘So close, baby, feels so good. So fucking good, Jungkook,’ I breathe out and his hand reaches down to rub at my clit as he continues thrusting into me, the tip dragging against the soft spongy part inside me. The feeling is so euphoric, the pleasure rendering my mind black of everything but Jungkook, my body melting into his, our chests pressed together.

‘Come on, baby, cum for me. Wanna feel you clenching around me, baby, you’re so close. Cum for me, angel,’ he whispers into my ear before pressing his lips to mine, these soft and loving words so unlike anything he’s ever said to me before that they push me over the edge as I let out a loud moan of his name against his mouth, as a mind-numbing orgasm washes over me.

My vision turns blank, head empty as white noise fills my ears, pussy clenched around him in a vice-like grip, and he continues to rub at my clit to draw out the pleasure. Once I feel myself coming down, I pull his hand away before interlocking it with mine, a smile breaking across his face as our eyes lock together in a gentle gaze.

‘I love you, y/n,’ he whispers softly, and the words bring tears to my eyes, because I’ve never heard him say them before. Not to me, anyway. His smile falls slightly when I don’t answer, my whole body frozen, before I reply without even thinking; ‘I love you, too, Jungkook.’

His smile reappears with force, filling his face with such joy that it makes the tears spill out over my cheeks as I laugh. ‘I love you. I fucking love you, y/n. I love you so much,’ he whispers again and again, both of us completely still, our hands still locked together.

My walls still flutter around him with the aftershocks of my orgasm. ‘Shall I stop? Are you too sensitive?’ he asks, my heart melting as more tears run down my face. ‘No, want you to cum,’ I reply, and he lets out a curse, beginning to thrust into me again.

I keep clenching around him involuntarily, and I reach down my free hand to play with his balls, my other hand still in his tight grip. ‘Come on, baby, you’re so close. Cum for me,’ I whisper before pressing my lips to his briefly, digging my heels into his back to hold him in place, deep inside me, his dick twitching. He buries his head into my neck and lets out a strangled moan of my name as he cums inside me, painting my walls with his hot, thick release. His hips stutter as he tries to prolong his orgasm, my hand still playing with his balls, his whole body tense.

Once he’s come down from his orgasm, his body relaxes and I remove my hand from his balls, my other hand still clasped in his and his head still nestled in my neck. He wraps his arms around me, carrying me over to the bed and laying me down carefully before disappearing into the bathroom. He comes back a few moments later with a towel and some water, and he cleans me up with a loving gaze as I sip down the water.

Once he’s deemed his cleaning sufficient, he throws the towel across the room, both of us laughing gently, before his face becomes a little more serious. ‘I wasn’t just saying it, y/n. I do love you,’ he says, the thrill of the words not quite old yet. ‘I know. And I love you too,’ I say, the smile on his face mirrored on my own.

Before we both realise the weight of what we’re saying, and it hits us like a ton of bricks. This is worse than the usual comedown, much worse. All the previous times, it’s been easier, because it’s hard to love someone when their words and touches are full of lust and nothing more. But this time…. I could feel the love, in every single movement, in every touch, in every word. Yeah, this comedown hurts.

I open my mouth to speak, though I’m not sure what I’m going to say, but he shakes his head. ‘Don’t. Save it for the morning. I just want to be normal now. Can we do that? Can we just pretend to be a normal couple, pretend that you love me, and I love you, and that’s all there is?’ he asks, desperation in his voice, in his eyes, his face, his entire body, different from the desperation we both felt a little while ago, and I nod. ‘We can do that.’

He smiles, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing, before he leans towards me, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. The kiss instantly deepens into something passionate, something soft, something full of love, and our arms wrap around each other as we fall back onto the bed, our limbs tangled together.

‘Don’t go,’ I whisper against his lips, ‘please don’t go. Stay the night.’ ‘I’m not going anywhere, baby,’ he whispers back, holding me in a tight grip, and I could live the rest of my life like this, in his arms, with his lips on mine. ‘I’m right here.’

‘y/n, so help me, if you don’t answer the fucking door!’ Jisoo’s shrill shriek breaks through my slumber, quickly followed by her fists hitting the door, making both Jungkook and I wake the fuck up. ‘Shit. Go hide,’ I whisper, pushing him out of the bed, and he gets out, still half asleep. ‘Bathroom?’ he asks groggily, grabbing his boxers and pulling them on. ‘No, balcony, she might need to use the bathroom,’ I say, and he sighs, rushing out onto the balcony and hiding around the corner where he isn’t visible through the doors.

I jump out of bed, grabbing my underwear and his clothes and shoving them into the wardrobe before I shrug on my white satin gown, quickly tying it as I kick his sliders under the bed. ‘y/n!’ Jisoo practically screams, and I wrench the door open, faced with Jisoo who holds a fist up, ready to bang on the door again. She jumps at the sight of me before huffing, pushing past me into the room. ‘What took you so long?’ she asks, and I sigh, shutting the door and going to sit at the foot of the bed. ‘I was, like, in such a deep sleep. Sorry,’ I say, and she shrugs. ‘It’s fine. I thought you’d disappeared or something,’ she says, and I let out a gentle laugh.

She’s in her white dressing gown too, white sliders on her feet, and her hair is already styled into an updo at the back of her head, a couple of loose curls framing her face with a few small blue flowers dotted around her head. ‘Your hair looks really pretty,’ I say, and she preens at the praise. ‘Thanks. I had to wake up so early, because the stylist has to do everyone else’s too. You’re lucky you can do your own hair,’ she says, and I grin, trying to ignore the panic in my veins, still half-asleep.

‘How did you sleep?’ I ask, and she huffs again, scowling. ‘Not well. Someone was having some loud ass sex. It must have been a couple in the room above me, because it was so fucking loud. Poor girl was nearly screaming – sounded like a pornstar, but real. I bet we’ll be able to spot her around the hotel today, barely able to walk,’ she chuckles, and I hope my face doesn’t betray me as I laugh along, my cheeks heating up.

‘Did you hear it?’ she asks, and I shake my head, feigning cluelessness. ‘No. It must have been above you ‘cause I couldn’t hear a thing. Or I just slept like a log,’ I say, and she rolls her eyes. ‘So lucky. You’ve always been a deep sleeper. You could sleep through a hurricane. Remember when we had renovations going on in the attic, and you literally slept through the entire thing?’ she says, and I laugh at the memory. ‘I get it from Dad. You’re like Mum – she’s a light sleeper too,’ I say, and she scowls. ‘Trust me, I know. She caught me sneaking in at night that many times,’ she mutters, and I burst out laughing, completely forgetting the boy out on my balcony as Jisoo laughs with me.

There’s something about reminiscing with a sister that makes you feel warm inside.

‘That’s not fair!’ she exclaims, looking towards my balcony, ‘you got a sea view! Mine’s a mountain view!’ She begins to walk towards it, and without thinking, I nearly shriek, ‘No! Don’t go out there!’ She turns to look at me, her face a mixture of confused and alarmed. ‘Um, why?’ ‘You’ll ruin your hair, dummy! It’s so windy out there,’ I lie, surprised at how quickly I thought of that, and she gasps with realisation. ‘Oh, my God, I completely forgot. What would I do without you, y/n?’ she says, and I try to smile at her with true happiness. ‘You’d have messy hair on your wedding day,’ I say, and she lets out a gentle laugh.

‘Speaking of which, how do you feel? Excited?’ I ask, and she hesitates. ‘I don’t know,’ she begins, and my eyes widen. ‘What?’ ‘No, not like that! Don’t worry, I’m not getting cold feet. He’s not getting out of marrying my crazy ass,’ she says, both of us laughing before she continues; ‘I just… I don’t know, I just don’t feel excited. It feels like a normal day.’ ‘Well, it takes a while to sink in-’ ‘No, it’s sunk in. I’m well aware. I just don’t feel… anything. At all,’ she says, seeming a little worried, and I sigh. ‘Jisoo, that’s okay. This is a big thing, and there’s no particular way you should feel. Trust me, when you’re walking down the aisle, then you’ll feel it,’ I say, and she smiles softly. ‘You always know what to say,’ she says gently, and I get up from the bed, pulling her into a hug.

She hugs me back for a few seconds before pulling away. ‘You smell…’ she begins before moving back in to sniff me. And then she pulls back in shock, eyes wide. ‘You smell like sex! Oh, my God, did Jimin come to your room last night?’ she demands. ‘No! God, no! He might be here as my date, but he’s still my best friend, Jisoo! And also gay! No, I… I struggled to drop off, so I… you know,’ I trail off, and she grins at me when she realises. ‘Ooh, okay,’ she says teasingly, and I bury my face in my hands embarrassedly.

‘Shut it.’ ‘Fine, fine, I’ll let it go. Anyway, I’ve gotta go get my makeup done, but I just wanted to check in on you, because you weren’t replying to my texts. I might go check on my lovely groom,’ she says excitedly, heading towards the door, and I grab her hand. ‘No, idiot, it’s bad luck! Mum would kill you,’ I say, and she rolls her eyes, sighing. ‘Whatever. I’ll just go back to my room then. But get ready. You need to shower, and do your hair, and makeup, and you’ve only got three hours,’ she nags, and I roll my eyes. ‘Now you’re sounding like Mum. That’s plenty of time. Go, get ready,’ I say, and she grins, pulling me into a quick hug before darting out into the hall, the door falling shut with a heavy thud behind her.

When I turn around, Jungkook’s already coming back into the room with a shit-eating grin on his face. ‘Jimin? She’s funny,’ Jungkook laughs as I get his clothes out of the wardrobe, but I can’t bring myself to join in with his amuseent. ‘You need to go,’ I say, retrieving the sliders from under the bed, and his face falls. ‘What? Why?’ he asks, and my eyes widen at his stupidity. ‘Because you’re getting married to my sister in three hours!’ I hiss angrily, throwing his clothes at him, and he looks so inexplicably sad, slumping down onto the edge of the bed, dropping his head into his hands.

And just like always, he manages to make me feel sorry for him.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that. But it’s true, Jungkook. You shouldn’t be here. You need to go and get ready. People are gonna start knocking on your door and wondering where you are,’ I say gently, and he nods, head still in his hands.

He takes a deep breath and looks up at me, and I really think he’s about to say goodbye and leave. And then he says something else entirely; ‘We could just run, you know.’ ‘What?’ I ask, blinking in shock, and he nods earnestly, getting up from the bed and taking my hands into his. ‘You love me, and I love you. That’s all that matters. We could run, start a life somewhere together,’ he says, and I can’t believe my ears.

I pull my hands from his, taking a couple steps back from him as his face falls. ‘Obviously you don’t care about my sister, but I do, and we cannot hurt her like that,’ I say coldly, his face twisting with rage. ‘You didn’t care about her when you were begging for my fucking cock last night,’ he spits, and I flinch at his words, the movement instantly taking the anger out of him.

‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it-’ ‘It’s fine. You’re not exactly wrong. Neither of us cared about her last night, when we probably should have. But it’s done. Now… you go, and you marry her, and you make her the happiest girl in the world,’ I say as brightly as possible, and he sighs sadly, pulling me into his arms. ‘And make you the saddest? I can’t do that,’ he whispers, my head tucked under his chin, and I melt into him, blinking back tears. ‘You have to,’ I say, and he takes a shaky breath before pulling away from me.

‘I never should’ve proposed,’ he spits, so angry at himself, throwing himself down onto the bed again, feet planted firmly on the floor. ‘Why did you?’ I whisper, and he looks up at me in surprise. ‘What?’ ‘Why did you propose?’ I ask, and he sighs, throwing his head back with his eyes closed, pain all over his face. Silence descends over us as he hesitates, and I can practically feel his mind working at a hundred miles an hour. ‘She’s… she won’t be around for long,’ he says sadly, and the words don’t really register with me properly. ‘What? Why?’

‘She’s dying, y/n.’

The words strike me dumb, echoing in my ears as though he’d shouted them, even though they’d barely come out as a whisper. ‘No,’ I breathe out, clutching my hands together at my chest, my entire body numb. ‘I’m sorry you had to find out like this,’ he sighs, and I shake my head, trying to block out his words. ‘No, no, no, it can’t be true,’ I whisper, and he gets up from the bed, looking as though he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders as he takes the two small steps towards me, wrapping his arms around my body again.

I curl into him, seeking comfort from him, the word ‘no’ falling from my lips again and again, like a broken record. ‘I’m sorry, y/n,’ he murmurs against my forehead, and I take a deep breath, my hands balled up in fists against his chest. ‘No, Jungkook, no! It can’t be true. No,’ I practically shout, my fist hitting his chest repeatedly, and he continues holding me. And then I clutch onto him, like he’s a buoy in this sea of pain, the waves rising up higher than possible and washing over me so hard, I think I might drown.

And when it feels like lifetimes have passed, lifetimes of agony and pain and loss, I let go of him, stumbling towards the bed to sit down, hands clasping at the sheets to anchor me. ‘Why… why is she dying? Has she been diagnosed?’ I ask, and he nods, coming to sit beside me, and he takes my hands into his. ‘She’s got early onset Parkinson’s disease. It’s really rare in people our age. You know what that is, right?’ he asks, and I nod, trying to imagine my sister, my beautiful lively sister, debilitated, stuck in a wheelchair, unable to move and speak. The image hurts my heart.

‘Is she getting treatment?’ I ask, and he sighs. ‘It’s terminal, so treatment won’t save her, it’ll just… prolong her suffering,’ he replies, and I look at him with hard eyes. ‘Is she getting treatment?’ I repeat harshly, and he shakes his head. ‘Are you kidding?’ ‘y/n, she refused treatment. She said she’d rather die quickly than die painfully,’ he says, and my whole body shakes with fury.

‘She’s so fucking stupid, oh, my God! She’s going to die painfully either way! Parkinson’s isn’t a pretty disease! She’s gonna get to a point where she can’t even shit without help! Why wouldn’t she put that off as long as possible?’ I rant and Jungkook nods in agreement, inexplicably sad. ‘I’ve had this same conversation with her several times. You know what she’s like. Once she’s made a decision…’ he trails off, and I nod, knowing exactly what he means.

She decided she was going to get married at the beach that we visited in Santorini when she was 8 and I was 6. That’s exactly where we are. She decided that she was going to have her bridesmaids (and decorations) in blue since we saw a wedding on TV with that same colour palette when she was 11 and I was 9. That’s exactly what we’re wearing (and the colour of her decorations). And she decided she was going to marry Jeon Jungkook, the popular, sweet, soft and smart jock boy in her year at school, since she was 14 and I was 12. And that’s exactly who she’s marrying.

Once she’s made a decision, there’s nothing changing her mind.

‘Try not to be upset today, y/n. I know that’s hard, but you’re not supposed to know, and it needs to stay that way until she tells you herself. Just, please, try to put on a smile,’ he says, and I nod, blinking back the tears that had been pooling in my eyes, and putting on my brightest smile. ‘Good?’ I ask, and he grins. He looks genuinely happy. And then I look at myself in the mirror sat on the desk, and I look genuinely happy too. We might not have much, but at least we’re great actors. ‘Beautiful,’ he answers, my heart fluttering at the compliment.

‘Just remember… I was planning on breaking up with her. And then I found out she has around a year left before she starts getting really ill, and god knows how long she’ll have after that. I owe her the happiness of having her dream wedding, owe it to her after what we did. What we’ve been doing, for years,’ he says gently, and I nod, knowing he’s right. ‘Thank you, for marrying her. She’ll be happier than she’s ever been before,’ I say softly, and we smile sadly at one another.

We rise up from the bed and I walk him over to the door. ‘Remember,’ he says quietly, taking my hands into his again, ‘I’m the doting, head-over-heels, whipped yet annoyingly nonchalant and cocky husband, and you’re the supportive, over-the-moon, ecstatic yet annoyingly teasing and mischievous younger sister. Got it?’ I burst out laughing at his stupid descriptions of us, and he grins. ‘I’ll see you… at the wedding,’ he smiles, his voice tinged with sadness, and I nod, smiling sadly back as I say, ‘see you at the wedding.’

‘Speech! Speech!’ the crowd of our family and friends chant at Jisoo who holds the mic in her hand, laughing as she waits for them to quieten down so she can do her speech. Her smile is so big, and she looks so beautiful, so happy, absolutely radiant. Her dress is perfect for her, practically screams Jisoo – well, the whole wedding has screamed Jisoo. It’s her all over. She’s had her dream wedding, and I couldn’t be happier for her.

I just wish the cost of her happiness wasn’t my own.

It’s been difficult today, more difficult that I could’ve imagined. The worst part was being stood right beside Jungkook and Jisoo as they got married, said their vows, and praying Jisoo didn’t notice how often his eyes flitted to me. Being happy for Jisoo, though? That was the easiest part. Seeing her happy like this, knowing she’s dying soon, my happiness for her hasn’t been hard to fake. Even easier after I’ve been avoiding Jungkook all day, spending all possible time with Jimin instead.

And then the mic feedback sings out across the space, making everyone clap their hands over their ears. ‘Sorry, sorry. Shall I start?’ Jisoo asks, everyone laughing as Jungkook says, ‘yes, please,’ with an affectionate roll of his eyes, and she shoves him as he grins amusedly. He plays the role well.

Jisoo begins her speech by thanking everyone for flying out, thanking her bridesmaids for all their help and the hen party (which Jungkook pretends to scowl at), thanking the groomsmen for keeping Jungkook out of her hair during all the wedding planning, thanking all of both our family members and Jungkook’s that have helped out, and thanking both our parents and Jungkook’s for all of their support and help (and financial contribution which everyone lets out a hearty laugh at).

‘But I must give our biggest thank you to the two people that have helped out the most,’ she says, and I can already feel tears filling my eyes as she looks at me across the dancefloor. Jimin, sat beside me, coughs loudly, and Jisoo laughs. ‘Sorry, I mean, the three people that have helped out the most,’ she corrects herself, everyone laughing as Jimin puffs out his chest, making me roll my eyes at my eccentric best friend.

‘First, Jungkook’s brother, Hoseok. Thank you for coming to every single one of our different meetings and appointments and everything we needed you at, and not complaining at all. Thank you for accepting the fact that you couldn’t bring all of your old frat brothers to our wedding with such grace, and thank you for being a real support for me and Jungkook when things got stressful. I’m honoured to have been blessed with such a great brother-in-law, and I’m so grateful for the way you’ve welcomed me into your family with open arms,’ Jisoo says, her eyes on Hoseok, who looks awfully proud of himself, his eyes shining suspiciously bright, and I hear him shouting a moment later, ‘I’ve got allergies, I’ve got allergies!’

‘And onto my best friend… and her best friend. My beautiful y/n, you truly are my angel sent from above. Whilst Hoseok helped calm us down, you’re the one that gave us a kick up the arse when we were falling behind on planning. You were there for everything, absolutely everything, down to the miniscule things like deciding the font for the invitations, and the shade of blue for my earrings. You practically lived at our house, and so did Jimin. You’re the best Maid of Honour I could’ve ever asked for, and Jimin, you’re the best Vice Maid of Honour I could’ve asked for. You’ve both helped me out more than I can say, and I’m so grateful. We both are.

y/n, thank you for being the best sister ever. From when you were born, I knew I was lucky to have you, and you’ve never proven it more than during the wedding planning. I love you so much, my love, and I can’t wait to see you fall in love and get married so I can nag and annoy and bug you and your fiancé just as much as you did with us. Thank you,’ she says, her eyes shining, and tears run down my cheeks at how lovely her speech was. And also the fact that she won’t ever see me get married, because I’m in love with her husband.

‘I love you,’ I mouth at her across the space, and she grins her beautiful grin back at me, blowing me a kiss. And then she turns to Jungkook, handing him the mic, and he takes it with a smile.

‘I, um… gosh, Jisoo always was the clever one,’ he begins, everyone laughing as Jisoo shakes her head, and those of us that know him best know he’s just as clever as her. They’re practically a power couple; brains, looks, talent. Their kids will be like superheroes. ‘She’s said all of the ‘thank you’s, to be honest, but I just want to add to a couple of them,’ he says before thanking the staff, his groomsmen and the bridesmaids again, and then his and our parents.

Then he thanks his brother – well, it’s less of a ‘thank you’ and more of a roasting. But his smile and eyes are so full of love for his brother, and I’ve seen them together enough over the years to know that their bond is something special. Like mine and Jisoo’s, I guess.

Then he thanks Jimin (he’s practically preening at all the attention) for keeping Jisoo and I in check when we got overexcited/emotional/spent way too much, and for keeping their main wedding planner (me) sane, and also restraining me from throttling Jisoo when she turned into bridezilla.

And then Jungkook’s gaze turns towards me, and it’s like everyone disappears, like how that happens every time he looks at me. But I shake it off. Because here, today, we aren’t secret lovers. He’s the groom, I’m the Maid of Honour, and we’re in-laws now. And we have to be happy for Jisoo.

‘And y/n, the sister I would’ve preferred to be with, but she was taken when I met her,’ he jokes, everyone laughing as Jisoo slaps his shoulder with a grin. ‘Thank you, y/n, for everything you’ve done for us both. You’ve been there as long as I can remember, the annoying younger sibling – and, Jimin, the best friend that was attached to her hip – the two of you always wanting to hang out with the older kids. You’ve been in my life just as long as Jisoo has and, even though you’ve only been my sister-in-law for a few hours, you’ve been here all along. So thank you, for helping our dream wedding come true, and for being… you. I look forward to the day that we can see you get married… and our children can be your flower girls and page boys,’ he says, rounding off on a light note, and a gentle laugh runs around the wedding party.

Tears flow down my face, and everyone gives us indulgent smiles, in wonder at how close, how tight knit our family is. But Jungkook’s gaze lingers on me a little too long, and I see past the light grin, see through the cracks in his armour, see the way his eyes shine with tears, the way his top lip seems to quiver a little, the way his fist keeps clenching and unclenching. And it hurts. God, it really fucking hurts. And he can see how much it hurts, because his mask slips for a moment, and so does mine, before we both look away from one another.

He begins his speech for his wife, and I just know I can’t bear to listen, can’t bear to hear him spout lies, so I dismiss myself, giving Jimin the excuse of running up to my hotel room to fix my makeup and go for a wee. I rush past all the smiling faces, the soft breeze ruffling my hair and dress as I take the stairs that lead up from the beach and back into the hotel, but instead of turning left where all the rooms are, I turn right and run down towards where I know the hotel’s other stretch of beach is, tears running down my face.

I perch on a deck chair, the hem of my dress laying against the sand as I look out at the sea crashing against the shore, the setting sun reflected in the waves. My head finally calms, the tears coming to a stop as I listen to the sound of the sea, the rest of the world just melting away, everything else melting away. Jungkook, Jisoo, the fact that she’s ill, and the fact that she just married the boy I love, it all just… disappears from my head. For a few beautiful moments, there’s just me and the sea.

And then I hear footsteps approaching behind me. ‘y/n,’ I hear his voice, and I laugh, turning to him with a smile. ‘I swear to God, what can I do to get you to leave me alone?’ I ask, and Hoseok bursts into laughter as he sits on the deck chair beside me. ‘I saw you leave. You okay? I know today must have been really hard for you,’ he begins, but I hold up a hand. ‘Please, Hoseok, don’t. I get that you mean well, but I really can’t talk about this,’ I say, and he nods, smiling sadly. ‘Okay. We won’t talk about it,’ he says simply, and I smile back before both of us turn to look out at the sea.

I met Hoseok when I was… 14? Maybe 15. He was the older brother of the boy that my sister was convinced she would marry, and also the older brother of the boy that had asked me on a date (despite being two years older than me), and I’d had to tell him I had a boyfriend (how I wish I’d just gone on the date with him all those years back). I was out with my friends once when we’d heard some boy shouting my name. We all turned to look, and saw Jeon Jungkook, the most desirable boy at our school, and who must have been his older brother – the resemblance was striking. It’d been Hoseok shouting my name, teasing Jungkook because of his crush on me.

The next time I saw Hoseok was when I was 16, and Jisoo had told our family that she was dating someone, but wanted us to meet their family before they made it official. Both mine and Jungkook’s jaws had dropped when I walked into his house – obviously the fact that I was Jisoo’s sister hadn’t come up in their conversation. I’d seen Hoseok plenty of times since then; he’d been at every birthday of our family’s, and I’d been at every birthday of their family’s – he even came to my graduation. It was a couple years ago that Hoseok and I became really good friends, and I’d broken down and confessed to him that I was love with his brother and had been the entire time he’d been dating my sister. He took it well – I’m guessing his reaction wouldn’t quite have been the same had I confessed that we’d also been sleeping together for a few years behind everyone’s backs.

Hoseok had been like an older brother to me, all of the annoying traits included, and he’d managed to whisk me away from tough situations (like family get-togethers) with excuses of having to get some more lemonade from the shop or pick some weed up from his dealer’s house (he’s always been very open about his smoking, and it hadn’t been long before Jungkook joined in too, but he kept it to a minimum when Jisoo was around – I’d been with him whilst he was high several times though. He’s cute when he’s high – soft and affectionate and needy).

‘Okay, I think we should head back. They might start worrying we’ve snuck off somewhere. You know, Maid of Honour, Best Man,’ he says, wiggling his eyebrows, and I shove him with a laugh, both of us rising up from our deck chairs. He holds an arm out to me, and I take it, and we walk back towards the wedding in a comfortable silence.

The air is still deliciously warm, the setting sun casting an orange glow over the atmosphere, the sky streaked with pastel colours as the sound of the waves crashing against the shore is faint, yet present. ‘Is my makeup okay?’ I ask as we approach the wedding, the music getting a little louder with each step. ‘It’s perfect. I would never have guessed you’ve been crying your eyes out,’ he teases, and I nudge him in annoyance.

And then I hear the DJ’s voice ring out into the air; ‘First song request of the night!’ With the invitations, they sent out song request cards for people to… request a song to be played at the wedding. I can’t even remember what I put down on mine. ‘This request is from the sister of the bride, our beautiful Maid of Honour! This is Perfect by Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé.’

‘How tasteless of you,’ Hoseok says, and I give him an indignant look, though I can’t help but feel dread at this song playing. ‘It’s romantic,’ I defend, and he rolls his eyes as we reach the rest of the wedding party. It’s like I can sense his eyes on me, and I turn to meet his gaze, and he grins, instantly making his way towards me. ‘Can I have this dance?’ he asks with shining eyes and a gentle grin, and Hoseok instantly removes his arm from mine as I take Jungkook’s hand, letting him pull me onto the dancefloor.

‘Why’d you choose this song, y/n?’ he asks teasingly as we glide around the floor, as though we’re one person in two different bodies, moving as one. ‘It’s romantic,’ I say, and he raises an eyebrow. ‘So you don’t remember the piece of our history that’s attached to this song?’ he asks, and I avoid his gaze, embarrassed. ‘You’re a little minx choosing this song,’ he jokes, and I let out a laugh, our eyes meeting with amusement.

It was a couple weeks before his aunt’s wedding, four years ago, and he was taking Jisoo as his date. But he’d asked me to help him learn how to properly waltz so he could surprise and impress my sister at the wedding. So I’d gone over to his house, nobody else but us at home, and we’d spent hours trying to waltz with this song playing in the background. He eventually got the hang of it, but we’d gotten lost in each other’s eyes and he tripped over his own feet and we’d fallen to the floor, his body landing on top of mine.

That was the start of our affair.

‘Shall we waltz?’ he asks, and I laugh, nodding as we begin to waltz around the dancefloor. My dress swishes around our legs as my heels click against the temporary dancefloor they’d put down on top of the sand. He looks so handsome, in his black tux and white shirt open at the collar, having discarded his tie a couple hours ago, silver cufflinks sparkling at his wrists and silver earrings dangling from his ears.

‘You look so handsome,’ I whisper without even meaning to, and he grins. ‘Why, thank you, y/n. And you look so beautiful,’ he whispers back, sincerity in his voice. He’s changed so much in the past 24 hours. How could I have doubted his love for me, when it’s in his eyes every time he looks at me?

‘Thanks to your wife. The dress, the makeup, the hair, it was all her idea,’ I say, and he chuckles. ‘She’s not the one wearing it though,’ he says, and I laugh. My dress is floaty, strappy and sky-blue, the perfect summer bridesmaid dress, and blue flowers are woven into the braid that winds around my head, the rest of my hair falling in wavy sheets around my shoulders. And my makeup is soft and summery, faint blue eyes, glossy lips and shimmery cheekbones.

And then he starts singing along to the song, our feet still moving in a faultless waltz. I’m suddenly hyperaware of his hand on my lower back, too low, the other one clasped in mine, too tight, and we’re standing close, too close. But I don’t care to move, instead singing along too. And it’s as though he’s singing the lyrics to me, telling me I’m an angel, that he doesn’t deserve me, and that I look perfect. And I live in this little fantasy, in this world where we can love each other, hold each other, touch each other without all the guilt. In this world where he’s just a boy and I’m just a girl, and we’re just in love.

But then my eyes meet Jisoo’s across the dancefloor, and it takes me a moment to realise they’re full of tears. The second our eyes meet, she begins to walk towards us, and the fear of her knowing nearly paralyses me, and Jungkook can feel it, his body tensing as his eyes stay locked on my face. ‘Can I cut in?’ Jisoo’s voice comes from behind him, and he turns to see her there. ‘Yeah, of course,’ I say, and she lets out a gentle laugh. ‘I was talking to him. I want to dance with you,’ she says gently, and Jungkook feigns hurt, pretending to march off in a huff as both of us laugh, watching him join his friends by the bar.

She holds her arms up in position, and I do the same, beginning to waltz with my sister now. She always used to lead, being the oldest and all, and that hasn’t changed, the girl spinning us around the floor flawlessly. ‘I need to say something, and I want you to listen to everything before you speak,’ she says, my heart nearly stopping with the fear of being caught out, and I nod wordlessly, trying to focus on the fact that there’s still a small smile on her face.

‘I love you. Just as much as I love him. Meaning I know you both very well. I’ve known for a while that there’s a boy in your life, whether or not he’s a boyfriend or just dating or just a crush. But I’ve known. And I’ve known there was someone else in his life. And we were near the end of our relationship when I found out that I’m ill, y/n, and I’m not going to get better. Don’t, don’t cry, we’ll come back to that. I really thought I knew everything, I thought I was so clever. But I didn’t know that his someone else was you and your someone was him,’ she says, my entire body going cold, but the smile still doesn’t disappear from her face.

‘How long? How long have you loved him?’ she asks, and I sigh. ‘Ji…’ ‘How long, y/n?’ ‘Since a month before we met his family,’ I admit sadly, and her mouth falls open. ‘y/n… why didn’t you say anything? I thought you were going to say a couple years. Not that long,’ she says sadly, and I shrug with a smile. ‘You were happy. I couldn’t ruin that,’ I say, and she smiles, eyes full with tears. ‘Thank you, y/n, for letting me have my dream wedding with the love of your life,’ she says, and I shake my head. ‘He’s the love of your life, not mine,’ I say, and now she shakes her head, still smiling the sad smile that breaks my heart.

‘He’s the love of both of our lives. Because I’m not going to be around much longer,’ she says, but I shake my head again, angry this time. ‘No, Jisoo, don’t say that.’ ‘It’s true, y/n, and I’m not going to drag out my suffering. I’m lucky if I have two years. So, please, don’t care what anyone else thinks once I’m gone. Marry him, spend your life with him, love him, because I want you to make him happy, and I want him to make you happy, but neither of you can do that whilst I’m still here.’ ‘Jisoo, don’t say that!’ ‘y/n, it’s true, we both know it is. You’re the loves of each other’s lives, and I won’t be the bitch sister who stops you from being happy.’

‘Jisoo, let’s not have this conversation on your wedding day. Please, just be happy today,’ I say sadly, and she nods, a big smile breaking across her face. ‘Okay. Thank you for making my wedding amazing. I love you, y/n.’ And then my eyes meet Jungkook’s, and it’s like he knows, because for the first time since I can remember, his gaze doesn’t have any sadness or yearning in it. No. This time, it’s just love, and happiness, and I smile back at him, before turning my smile to my sister, my heart swelling with love. ‘I love you, too, Jisoo.’

[hunflowers]

Femme Fatale

Word Count: 7.3k

Requested? Nope, but you always can here :)

Mood Board

A/N: I hope you enjoy my rendition of mafia!Harry bc I lowkey do not. Enjoy the smut and maybe leave some feedback when you’re done! *nose boops*

part 2 :)

The rivalry went back decades.

Growing up, they had no choice but to hate each other. It was practically in their blood because that’s how their ancestors were towards one another.

Besides, they tried the whole friendship thing when they were children, and it didn’t even work out then. Simply at first because their families forbade it. But they soon realized how annoying the other was as the years went on. And how badly they wish they could just strangle one another because that would be easier than ever becoming friendly.

It all started with their great-grandfathers, as most old rivalry stories do. They once worked in unison, in harmony as coworkers, cofounders, and friends. Once poor, they rose to the top as a team. But, when money started to become more prevalent, so did the truth of their relationship. They both wanted seniority, to run the business as a King rather than as a team. So, when heads were clashing and neither of them could bring themselves to kill the other, they did the only thing left, and split the business.

And from that point on, peace no longer existed.

Not only did the two men hate each other, but all of their workers started to hate the opposing side. No one thought there could be two leading imports in the city, because the city just wasn’t big enough for both egos. But even though chaos ensued ever since the split, people could say peace was also created. Because everyone was afraid to start a war they couldn’t finish. So, even though there were the casual breakouts and fights, nothing too major ever happened to the point where the city would practically cave in.

Except for now that is. Because Harry and Y/N hated each other that much. Everyone was afraid the other would snap soon and that could only lead to destruction.

Of course, the pair like to think they have it under control, but in reality, one wrong word spoken and the other is as good as dead.

People wondered who the Hell left them in charge because they were some of the most hot headed people to have ever walked this planet. But, in reality they really weren’t left a choice but to run the companies.

Harry’s father was never too into the whole business. Yeah, he got the job done but it wasn’t his first choice career wise. And seeing as he was an only child, he was left no choice but to stay in charge until Harry was ready. And the second he saw that Harry was mature enough for this responsibility, he immediately passed the throne down to him, thankful to have that weight off his shoulders.

As for Y/N, her father wanted her to have nothing to do with the business because it wasn’t a woman’s responsibility. He was thinking of handing the leadership down to his nephew, because he had always looked up to Y/N’s dad and had dreamed of being in charge one day. Of course, she found the whole ordeal ridiculous because the job was meant for her, and no one else.

Y/N was the eldest of her siblings, neither of them being boys. So, when the time would come the company had no choice but to fall in her hands. And even though the time came a lot quicker than she anticipated, she was beyond ready to take on the responsibility. Just a few days past her twenty-first birthday, Y/N’s father had died of a heart attack that was completely unwarranted. He took excellent care of his health, so to say it was a surprise was an understatement. But, even though the company sprung up on her, she prepared most of her life to be in charge and she wasn’t going to let her father down.

Despite Harry’s many attempts to prove her wrong and that she’d be a failure at running things, she would actually prove him wrong time and time again because products exported smoothly and income imported even smoother. And what she makes in a week is generally what he makes every month.

So, she’s doing pretty good she thinks.

But they did try to be friends once. When they were eleven, they shared a few of the same friends so their paths always crossed. So they decided they wouldn't be hostile towards one another because that was the rest of their family, not them. Fast forward to the age of twelve, and Harry and Y/N nearly get in a fist fight due to Harry hurting Y/N’s best friend, and Y/N doing the same to his.

Clearly, history would repeat itself and thus the two joined their families in hating the other.

That led them to where they are now, thirteen years later, and still a lot of hatred in the air.

Albeit, there was the rare occurrence of sexual tension in the air too but they choose not to dwell on that.

It was a one night thing. They were both completely plastered, and they hardly even remember it happening. Of course they tell different stories of that night, and it actually drew them farther apart, but again, they choose to not think about it at all.

It was only a one time thing.

But today. . . today really solidified their ongoing rivalry. Y/N was awoken this morning by the loud shrill of her ringtone blasting in her dark bedroom. She was tempted to not answer it because everyone knew not to call her so early in the morning, but then again, everyone knew not to call her so early in the morning so it must only be an emergency.

And it was the news on the other line that broke her heart and had Y/N flying out of her bed faster than light travelled. Earlier that morning, her youngest sister, Serena, was found in the bathroom of the local club, knocked unconscious whilst her clothes were nearly ripped to shreds. She had been drugged, raped, and stripped of her dignity and Y/N felt responsible. This ache in her chest was prominent because she felt it was her fault for some reason.

After their father’s passing, Serena had gone off the rails for a little while. She took it especially hard because even though all three of his daughters were his babies, Serena being the youngest was his special baby, and she found it very difficult to cope with the loss. So, when Serena did a little too much of experimenting with drugs or drinking, Y/N knew taking care of her baby sister was her main priority.

Hearing the news that her sister had been violated, Y/N couldn’t help but take it to heart. She hardly cared about the outfit she was wearing or what state her hair was in when she arrived at the hospital, all she wanted was to get to her sister.

When she entered her room, she was greeted by her mother and her other sister, Francesca, or Franny for short, already by her bed.

“How is she?” Y/N spoke quickly, taking in the look of her sister sleeping on the hospital bed.

Franny stood up so frantic Y/N could sit down and catch her breath after she practically ran through the hospital halls to find the room.

“She hasn’t woken up yet, but the doctor says she’s in stable condition,” her mother spoke, a shaky breath leaving her lips as she squeezes her daughter's hand.

Y/N bit her bottom lip to stop the urge to burst into tears, keeping her stone cold face in tact. “I swear, I am going to kill whoever did this. I’ll kill them myself, with my own two bare hands.”

“Y/N, please, not now,” Mom hissed. She hated that her daughter had gotten so involved in the business, and she most certainly hated that Y/N got her father’s temper. Her daughter hurting people is the last thing she wants to think about, especially while her other daughter is currently on a hospital bed.

“What, you don’t want whoever did this to pay?”

“Of course I do! By going to prison, not by my daughter’s two hands,” she glared at her eldest.

Y/N huffed, sifting back in her chair and trying to tie back her knotty hair in some sort of bun to get it out of her face before she screams. “Well, my way is a whole lot easier, and I can then guarantee whoever did gets justice served. Who knows what the legal system will do. Give ‘em three months maybe.”

“How about both of you shut your mouths, she’s waking up,” Franny spoke up, gaining the two’s attention immediately. Y/N sat forward, grabbing Serena’s right hand in her own.

The blinding light from the lamp above her head made Serena squint her eyes shut at the vivid brightness, her face distorting into in an uncomfortable grimace before she was able to open her eyes without the light hurting. She looked around at her family, confusion striking her features as she realized where she was.

“Wha– what happened?” She spoke hoarsely, her voice scratchy from probably being excessively dry.

When it was explained what had happened to her, she immediately broke down into tears, which then caused Y/N to let out her own tears. Again, that ping of guilt hitting her right in the heart.

“I know the police are going to ask you questions once they see you’re awake, but do you have any idea who did this to you? Anyone being suspicious towards you last night?” Y/N asked, keeping her voice in a hushed tone to try not to startle her sister in this fragile state.

Maybe it wasn’t the best timing for this but police would be here soon and this was Y/N’s job to find the person who did this, who hurt her family, her blood.

Serena swallowed, closing her eyes to try and remember anything from the night before. She started to shake her head because most of the night was a blur in her head but then she did remember one specific detail that was probably the most important.

Her eyes snapped open as she looked at Y/N, the realization of how important the detail is dawning on her. “He had a uh– tattoo on his arm. It was the. . . Styles emblem.”

Y/N practically shot out of her seat, fuming at just the name of Styles. She hardly left with a goodbye before she was storming out of the building and into her car. Of course it was someone from his side that had the audacity to do something like this. To step onto her side of the city, to do this to her sister.

If you know Y/N, you know her family, so whoever it was knew exactly what they were getting themselves into, and that just made Y/N even angrier. Her hands were practically itching to grab ahold of this guys neck and twist it like a rope.

She zipped her way in and out of traffic, trying to make it to her destination without any fatalities but still getting there as fast as possible. And when she did get there she hardly remembered to put the car in park and to shut it off before she was running inside and to the elevator.

She got a lot of nasty looks from everyone that saw her figure running across the lobby, and she knew why but she didn’t give the time of day to care. Because the boss herself was stepping onto the wrong territory.

When she made it to the right floor, and to the right door, she pounded her fist rapidly on the wood, urging anyone inside to open the fucking door.

And when the door finally did swing open, she was face to face with the one face she was hoping to not see anytime soon but yet at this time she couldn’t avoid him any longer.

“You better have a good reason to be knocking on my door this fucking early in the morning,” Harry spat down at the girl in front of him.

Y/N looked over his shoulder to see two people, a random guy and a girl on the couch in his office, both nearly naked. Then she looked at Harry and saw that his own clothes were disheveled as he probably haphazardly tossed them on his body to open the door.

“Really, in your office?” Y/N droned, pushing past him and into the large space and giving the two a nasty look to state get out.

“I don’t really need your fucking comments so how about you just leave?”

“No, they have to though,” she gestured to the two who were looking around the room quite uncomfortably, not exactly sure what to do with themselves in this moment.

“You don’t boss me around.”

Y/N sighed at his frustrating attitude, trying to keep her cool in front of bystanders, but it was pretty difficult when she was dealing with the most difficult man on the planet. “Harry. . .” she began, looking at him with these pleading eyes that meant something was wrong. Y/N hated looking weak, especially in front of him, but if it got him to cooperate for once, then so be it.

“It’s important business, that they have no part in.”

He looked at Y/N with a hard look, really not wanting to let his fun night come to a close all because she said so. But, he could tell from the way her eyes were the slightest shade of red and how she was still dressed in her pajamas in front of him that whatever this was must have some sort of emergent reasoning.

He looked to Dave and Michelle, the pair who were still so confused about what was happening, a sorrowful look on his face. A look Y/N never thought she would see. They got the idea, quickly scrambling for their clothes before leaving his office. Harry closed the door behind them, licking at his bottom lip before biting it and turning back around to Y/N with that stone cold face she’s grown used to.

“Well, you better get to explaining what the fuck this is all about before I lose my mind.”

Y/N took a shallow breath, running her hand through her very messy hair and speaking up, “Someone on your side hurt my sister, and I need you to find out who.”

“Hurt your sister?” He looked at her with a bored face, going to his big chair behind his desk and plopping down on it, propping his feet onto his desk and leaning back with his arms resting behind his head.

“She was drugged and raped and she says she saw your emblem on him, so, chop chop boss man and find out who the fuck was out last night.”

Shock laced his features at the r word but he soon went back to his bored look, and scoffing at the idea that one of his men would do something so vile. Serena was known to exaggerate and to lie about things ever since she first got her hands on drugs and Harry had no choice but to disbelieve the claims.

“I highly doubt it was one of my guys. Your sister has a tendency to. . . lie. Plus, if she was drugged there’s a low chance she’ll remember something as specific as my emblem but, I assume, nothing else,” he pointed out, raising his eyebrows at Y/N as if to say I win*.

Steam could practically be seen escaping Y/N’s ears as her face set into an angry frown and becoming increasingly red by the moment. Why did she think he would be considerate once? It was her mistake to think he had any ounce of a heart in his body, but even though she knew he would be difficult to work with, she was still beyond pissed at his response.

She stomped forward to the front of the desk, standing opposite him as she leaned forward and grabbed his white button-down shirt in her fist and yanking him forward so his body was in an awkward position and so his face was inches from her own. His smirk settled deeper on his face as his eyes trailed up and down her own face and her figure that was leaning over the desk. Because she never gave herself the time to change out of her pajamas, her silk camisole top revealed a lot of what was underneath to Harry; especially the lack of a bra.

Y/N could practically see the hormones flowing around in his head as he looked like he couldn’t give two shits about the way she was practically ripping his shirt off his body. She brought her other hand up and hooked it under his jaw, tilting his head up so he had no choice but to only look at her eyes.

“I figured I would ask nicely before I kill the prick myself. But there is no playing nice with you, is there Styles?” Y/N seethed, gritting out her words, pushing his body back harshly into his chair.

He laughed, genuinely laughed at the prospect of her being. . . nice. He ran his fingers through his hair, getting up from his position in his chair and walking around to meet her at the front of her desk. His slim fingers took the strap of her camisole, gently rolling it in his fingers before bringing it up and snapping it back down on her skin. “Not when you’re dressed like this, love.” Y/N pushed his hand off her body, standing up straighter in her spot and giving him the nastiest glare she could muster.

“Fine, but don’t be alarmed when you get the news someone died,” she stated, walking back over to the direction of his office door.

“You won’t be killing anyone, Y/N. And if you do, you leave me no choice but to kill one of yours,” he called out as she began to walk down the hall.

She stopped in her tracks, turning around to face him, to see that he was leaning against the doorway of the room, arms crossed in front of his chest. Y/N laughed at his proposition, looking down at her feet, stepping back in his direction with the tiniest foot forward.

“I think whoever raping my sister and then me killing them justifies this whole, eye for an eye thing, don’t ya think?” She hummed, giving him her final deadpan glare before, again, walking away from him and beginning her business for the day.

❊ ❊

A few days went by.

Y/N was closer to finding the guy, but it seems finding someone with a specific emblem tattooed on them proves to be quite difficult when a lot of guys have that same emblem tattooed on them in the exact same spot.

Cameras in the club did little to nothing to help her in the case, seeing as the place is dark, and that it’s sort of illegal to have surveillance in the bathroom. But her team was working hard and the more she didn’t have the guy in her hands, the more angry she became, and the more determined she was to freaking find him.

“All I’m saying is if you drop to your knees, he’ll be more willing to help you,” Y/N’s best friend Flo shrugged, taking a sip from her water as she leaned back in the chair.

“And I don’t need his help, he’s proven to be useless countless times.”

“Then why ask in the first place? Remind me again, because I’m a little lost.”

Y/N turned her head away from her laptop screen, looking at Flo with a bored look, sighing as she closed her laptop to give her friend her undivided attention. “Is there something you wanna talk about?”

“Yeah, like how I think this whole ‘Oh, I hate Harry,’ thing is bullshit. Why go to him if you know he won’t help?” Flo questioned, leaning forward with her arms resting on the mahogany desk.

“Maybe he grew some human decency since the last time I saw him?”

Flo squinted her eyes at her best friend, not exactly accepting that as an answer. It was for one pretty vague, and Flo knew her friend a bit better than that. There was something she wasn’t telling her, and she’d be damned if she left this room not knowing.

“Hm,” Flo hummed, sitting back against the leather chair, then taking another dramatic sip of her water. Y/N gave her a look of distaste as if to ask, is there a problem?

“And, when was the last time you saw him?”

Two weeks ago.

For that. . . thing they don’t talk about.

From what Flo knows, last time Y/N saw Harry was to discuss business settlements six months prior. So, if there’s no business that needs to be handled, there would be no reason for Y/N to see Harry, right? That’s a secret Y/N so desperately wants to keep. She’s ashamed of the night. Beyond words she’s ashamed and it’s only because she gave into temptation.

For a long time, she had Flo telling her that she should let go of this family feud because how could Y/N miss out on an opportunity to be with someone as handsome as Harry? As powerful as Harry? If they were together, there would be absolutely nothing stopping them, because not only were they good at what they do, but so many people respected them that the city would have no choice but to accept that they’re a couple.

But, that went against decades upon decades of family rivalry. The two would be damned if they were the reason this, basically family tradition, came to an end.

So, Y/N had no choice but to lie to her best friend, to avoid life as she knows it spiralling out of control.

She pondered in fake wonder for a moment before answering, “I think a little over six months ago.”

Flo nodded her head in understandment, taking in Y/N’s words but not exactly believing them. There’s a reason Y/N and Flo are best friends, and it’s because the two are very much alike. They’re sarcastic, they’re funny, they’re smart, they take their job seriously, and so many more reasons beyond that. But one defining reason is that they both understand the other so well. They can see right through each other. So for Y/N to think Flo doesn’t know she’s lying, is quite offensive to Flo.

Y/N tried to not break eye contact when she was talking, but she did, and that was the main giveaway that she was lying, even if she only looked away for a brief second. Flo had her down pat, much to Y/N’s demise.

And Flo wasn’t going to sit here and not call her out on it.

“Okay, and now I want the truth.”

Y/N’s eyebrows shot up, and she pursed her lips whilst shaking her head, “I don’t know what-”

“The. Truth. Y/N.”

“That was-”

“Now.”

Y/N huffed, looking down to her hands that she now placed in her lap. Under her friend’s hard gaze, Y/N’s face began to heat up with the embarrassment running through her veins. There really shouldn’t be any reason to be embarrassed about this, but she is. She hates that it happened, but more importantly she hates how she caved to him.

Glancing back up for a moment, Y/N bit her lip softly, feeling exceptionally small as her friend continued to wait for an answer. Taking a deep breath, Y/N sat up straighter in her chair, finally speaking the truth, “Two weeks ago.”

And now it was Flo’s turn to raise her eyebrows, jaw dropping practically down to the floor.

Then Y/N got to explaining.

❊ ❊

It was a Thursday night. Not even the weekend. Y/N had found herself in Central City, which is basically what everyone within the two groups calls the place on the border that separates the sides. She was just outside of Central City, dealing with a few of her loyal dealers all day, and in Central City is one of her favorite bars, so after a long day of working, she wanted to treat herself to a few casual drinks. Plus, she has a small crush on one of the bartenders there, so she figured that night she just may get lucky.

Little did she know, Harry had been just outside of Central City all day too, dealing with a group of rogues who thought they could steal from him and get away with it. They didn’t. So, after an exhausting day of interrogation and torture, Harry needed a drink. And what better place than his favorite bar in Central City?

She was there first, chatting up with Ben the bartender. She was laughing, drinking, listening to the horrible singer up at karaoke; just having an amazing time. Everyone knew who she was but they were all too drunk to worry about anything so they went on about their nights as if the Queen of half their city wasn’t in their presence.

But then everyone went silent, and the only thing that could be heard was Y/N’s laugh as Ben says something ridiculously funny. When she noticed everyone had gone quiet, she looked around the room to look for why no one was talking. It was quite eerie that one second everyone was having the time of their life to now everyone looking like they’d rather be anywhere else.

Then her eyes met his, and she nearly dropped the glass in her hand.

But she wasn’t going to leave just because he showed up. It was her favorite bar. And he felt exactly the same way because it was his favorite bar.

About fifteen seconds of awkward silence and intense staring went down before the two got fed up with all of the eyes focused on them.

“What’re you all looking at?” They snapped in unison. Quickly everyone went back to what they were doing, trying not to worry about a fight breaking out or a screaming match going down. And their worry soon started to dissolve as all the women began to fantasize about Harry and all the men wish they were worthy of being with Y/N.

Unfortunately for the two, the only seat left available in the place was the one on the right of Y/N at the bar. And when Harry sauntered over, going to sit down on the stool, Y/N was quick to stop him claiming she was saving the seat. He looked at her blankly, knowing fully well no one was going to sit there. He swatted her hand away, sitting down on the wood with a plush seat, quickly ordering himself a drink.

They tried not to converse throughout the night no matter how badly they wanted to snap at one another. But the more they thought about yelling, the more they drank, and the more they drank, the more willing they were to talk to each other.

That’s how their night progressed. By the end of it, they somehow came across the topic of sex. And how neither of them had gotten any in what felt like forever. In reality it actually hadn’t been long at all for either of them, but they tended to be dramatic, plus they were teetering on the tipsy-drunk mindset.

“Worst part is, he left his socks on! Fucking socks! It’s one thing to last thirty seconds, but to leave your socks on? Nearly killed the guy,” Y/N grimaced, recalling the event from last week.

Harry was having a hard time keeping in his laughs and judgements, but Y/N was okay with it because that was the whole point of telling the story in the first place. “Okay, you win this time, that is worse.”

“This time? I always win, Styles.” Y/N was practically gloating as she finished off the rest of her martini. He rolled his eyes at her words, shaking his head in response.

And no one could really predict the future events unfolding. It was quite out of the ordinary, and Y/N hardly knew what she was doing until after she had done it.

This thought dawned her hazy mind, and then she was placing her hand on his shoulder and looking at him with this lust and admiration she never thought she had inside of her. The moment he felt her hand on his shoulder, he looked at her quickly and nearly crumbled at the way she was looking at him.

If no one were in this bar with them, he wouldn’t hesitate to take her right then and there, but alas people were all around them. So, he had to keep it in his pants for just a little longer.

He leaned closer to her, taking in the scent of her heavenly perfume as she breathed in his ravishing cologne. They were so close, their lips barely grazed over each other’s, the tips of their noses brushing together softly as if it never really happened.

“What’s on your mind?” He wondered, his right hand coming down on her thigh, awfully close to her now aching center.

They were positive people were most likely watching them like hawks and that news of this just might spread around very fast by tomorrow morning. But, they just didn’t care. Y/N placed her hand on top of his, slowly dragging it even further up her thigh, so his fingertips just reached her dampening underwear.

His lips parted at the feeling, his eyes widening in awe as he stretched his fingers to again barely touch her where she really wanted him. She almost moaned at the feeling but kept the noises inside, not wanting to bring anymore attention towards them.

He laced her hand that was on his shoulder in his hair, softly tugging at the curls at the nape of his neck. She brought her wet lips up to his ear, whispering, “To see what it’s like for you. . . to win.”

He looked at her with an open-mouthed smirk, tongue poking the inside of his cheek before he hastily stood up and placed a few bills down on the bar to pay for their drinks. Y/N grabbed her purse, making her way to the door, Harry following behind her.

When they finally arrived to his place, stepping in the threshold of the foyer, all barriers fell down and all morals left their minds. Their lips were locked in a feverish kiss as he had her pinned up against the cool wooden surface of his door. Her legs were hiked up to wrap around his hips, high heels abandoned on the floor as she pressed the heels of her foot onto his ass, pushing his front harder on her core, creating some sort of friction between them.

He broke apart their lips, tangling his fingers in her hair as he tugged her head to one side to open up the view of her neck that he wanted so desperately to mark up. The second he bit down on her skin and licked the area, and peppered kisses up and down her throat, Y/N let out a moan she couldn’t suppress anymore. And then Harry smirked against her skin.

“It’s so ironic,” he started, grinding his hips harder into her as he brought his head up to look her in the eyes. “Out there, you’ve got people at your feet, looking up to you like an actual queen, not afraid to kill me at any given moment. But in here. . . I’ve got you writhing beneath my touch, just itching to be touched down here.”

And then he cupped her cunt, fingers petting her damp thong, having her mewl at the small but impactful contact. She wished he would just shut up and just fuck her already, but she could tell he was having fun with this; her being so complacent and not fighting him and instead agreeing that she was in fact desperate for him to touch her.

He pushed her skirt up her hips, getting better access to her pretty pussy, pushing aside her thong, gathering up her slickness onto his fingers. He brought his fingers up to his face, admiring the shine before wrapping his lips around them. If Y/N was standing, her knees surely would’ve gave out from under her at the sight. And she couldn’t help but get ever wetter as he sucked the digits, pulling them out with a pop.

“Sweet. . . like honey,” he grinned before reattaching their lips quickly. He brought his hands down onto her ass, gripping tightly before removing them from the door. Although they didn’t get very far and ended up on the comfy living room couch. There was no way they could handle stairs in their state, so the couch was good enough.

Really classy.

As soon as her back touched the soft surface, Harry was ripping her skirt and panty down her legs, and harshly tugged open her shirt that a few bottoms came right out of the seams. And if Y/N wasn’t drunk on alcohol and lust, she’d be beyond pissed.

But she really wasn’t one to talk, because she also ripped open his shirt, albeit not as rough but she’s pretty sure she ripped off one of his buttons too. Within a matter of seconds, the two were completely naked and beyond excited for what was to come. Literally.

Harry littered kisses up and down her body, mouth lingering longer on her aroused nipples, whilst he sank one then two fingers into her dripping hole. Y/N let out a breathy moan, lifting her lips up off the couch to push his fingers deeper inside of her.

“You’re so tight, Darling, and it’s just my fingers.”

He locked their lips in another passionate kiss as he pumped his fingers faster into her heat, gaining a few more moans out of that precious little mouth of hers. He hovered his lips over hers, speaking his next works huskily and softly that sent shivers down her spine, and made her pussy throb.

“Imagine me burying my cock into you. You squeezing me as I thrust into you, over and over again. Your warm walls holding onto me as I pound into you, absolutely wrecking you. Can you imagine it?”

Before she could say a single word, his thumb began working fast circles on her clit just as he continuously started to hit that special spot inside of her that had her seeing stars. The string of moans she let out could really put a pornstar to shame, and he didn’t even have his dick in her yet.

Was it embarrassing for her to be this much of a mess just from a simple fingering? Yes. But, just like the rest of the night, she lost the will to care.

“H-. . . Harry, please,” she whined as he switched the pace of his fingers to a slower rate, trying to prolong her orgasm for as long as he could.

He simply shook his head, denying her any satisfaction. Because as much as she was in charge out there, he was in charge here and he wouldn’t let her get what she wants so quickly.

Instead, he wanted to rile her up even more. With his free hand he brought it up to her breast, groping it roughly and then pinching her nipple between his thumb and first finger. And then he got an idea as he looked at the hickey that was starting to form on the side of her neck. He slowly trailed his fingers further up her chest, her collarbones, and eventually landing on the soft skin of her throat. He gently wrapped his hand around her throat to see what kind of reaction he could get out of her, and much to his surprise, her small hand wrapped around his wrist to, instead of pushing his hand away, push harder on her throat.

And if he wasn’t turned on then, he for fucking sure is now.

She loved the way his big hand was wrapped around her throat easily as if it had the smallest circumference. She loved the way it made it just the tiniest bit more difficult to breathe while he continued to ram her pussy with his fingers. And he loved just how much she loved it. “You naughty fucking girl. You like my hand around your neck don’t you? Does it turn you on?”

Y/N didn’t want to say anything, because as much as she was this confident woman, this moment was far too embarrassing, even for her. But, frustrated with no response, Harry pressed down more, using a deeper voice to elicit a response out of her.

“Answer me, Princess. I won’t continue if you don’t use your words,” he tsked, again slowing down his rhythm. Y/N groaned as his fingers practically came to a halt, bucking her hips up to continue the euphoric feeling inside of her.

“Plea–”

“Not until I get an answer.”

Y/N huffed, opening her eyes to look into his boring down on her. She bit her lip softly before nodding her head gently to respond to his previous questions.

“Uh-uh, I want words, Y/N. You love to talk, so c’mon, tell me.”

Groaning again, Y/N turned her head to the side to break eye contact. All she wanted was an orgasm, and she knew that within the next minute she was bound to burst and she hated that he was stopping her from reaching it. She took a breath and mustered up the courage to finally agree with his words, that yes it turned her on immensely.

“Y-yes. . . it turns me on,” she whispered. With that he smirked and removed his hand from her heat, making Y/N whimper at the loss of contact. But he couldn’t take it anymore, his erection becoming too unbearable that he had to ease his pain sooner rather than later.

Reaching down to his wallet to pull the condom out that he had stuffed in there a few nights ago, because he couldn’t be bothered to go upstairs to get his stash, he hastily ripped open the foil, careful not to rip the condom itself, and quickly rolled it onto his throbbing length.

He first pushed the tip in, giving her a few moments to adjust to his girth. Y/N completely lost it as he pushed further and further inside of her, back arching off the plush cushion as she cursed at the feeling of him stretching her. She widened the space of her legs, absolutely losing her mind as Harry’s face buried into her neck, the vibrations of his moans and groans shaking her body.

When he finally stopped, Y/N was quick to look down to see his cock was gone and deep inside of her body. She never felt so full in her life and she didn’t know how she was going to take him moving. The stretch came with a subtle burn that brought tears to her eyes. All good, of course.

“Harry, please move,” she begged, scraping her nails down toned back.

“Are you sure?”

“Fucking move.”

Then he slowly inched his length out before snapping his hips back against hers.

It was crazy that they were doing this.

Never in a million years did they think they would be having sex, each other’s names flowing out of their mouths so easily as their moans filled the air. The thought was always taboo for them but just this once they accepted their fates, and God, did it feel good.

It felt so good.

❊ ❊

When Y/N was finished explaining what had happened that one night two weeks ago – of course without the intense details – Flo sat with a smirk adorning her features.

Her eyes glowed, knowing she was right. She just knew this sort of thing was bound to happen. Next step, they were going to admit their undying love for each other and Flo couldn’t wait to get that news.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Y/N scolded.

“I’m not looking at you like anything,” she shrugged. “. . So when’s the wedding?”

“Florence James!”

“Hey, I’m just dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt,” she raised her hands in defense.

“Can we just forget about him and get back to more important matters, like who assaulted my sister?”

Before Flo could respond, a knock sounded on the door to Y/N’s office. Yelling a quick come in, Y/N was quick to flip off her friend before whoever walked into the room.

Looking over her shoulder, Flo let out a laugh before getting up from her chair and then returning the hand gesture to Y/N. “Speak of the Devil,” she called as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Harry stepped into Y/N’s office, that annoying smirk ever so permanent on his features.

“Speaking about me, Princess?”

“You have two seconds to explain why you’re here before I stab you in the throat.”

“Relax,” he dragged out, taking off his coat and draping it over the back of the chair Flo was just sitting on before sitting himself down on it. “I come with good news.”

Y/N raised her eyebrows, interested in what he could be talking about. She didn’t bother asking what good news, instead just waited for him to continue with whatever it was he had to say.

“You don’t have to worry about Jack anymore – Uh, the guy who. . . y’know, with Serena.”

To say Y/N was taken aback would be an understatement. She was so shocked that she had him repeat himself and explain what the fuck that was supposed to even mean.

“Look, I know I was harsh the other day. But when you left I got to thinking and. . . I know I would do anything I could if somebody hurt someone in my family. So, I got to asking around, turns out it was this guy Jack I had just fired and now you don’t have to worry about him,” he elaborated, clasping his hands together on his lap.

Y/N’s mind was in a whirlwind at this information, trying to process everything he just told her. It wasn’t a lot to take in but, it’s because he willingly helped her that had her in such a confused state. He had never done anything like this before and she was sure he wouldn’t do anything like it ever again.

But then she smiled. Genuinely smiled. Because he helped her. There’s no way she was going to let this one go. However, before she could gloat, she asked one very important question, “Is he alive?”

Harry gave her a knowing look, as if to say she should know him better than that.

Then she smiled again, even bigger than before. Because he killed someone for her and that – in their world – was the biggest sign of affection someone could give, because it meant that that someone meant something special.

“Fuck off with that smile,” he grumbled.

Y/N then stood up from her chair and walked over to him, standing in front of his seated figure, bringing her hand up to caress his jaw. “However could I repay you, Mr. Styles?”

It was then his turn to smile at her as he placed his hands on the back of her thighs and brought her to sit down on his lap.

“I can think of a few ways.”

And they were kissing like they never had before. This time they were so sober, it felt too real.

But they didn’t mind too much, because this moment felt like the start of something new.

[jounetsunosymphonia]

Nocturnality (Mankai Stage Winter 2020 translation)

translation for the stage version of winter’s third play! song can be found in full here.

ALRIGHT FOLKS IT’S THE GAY PEOPLE. HERE WE GO. a lot of it is actually like...silent? you can hear it in the soundtrack ver that it’s just inst with some occasional sound effects and i’ll write in what’s happening, but i just think it’s interesting that that’s how they decided to go about showing things for noct. i mean, it makes sense. show not tell amirite.

cast list

Yukishiro Azuma (Ueda Kandai) as Kuto Reo Takato Tasuku (Kitazono Ryo) as Seo Kota Mikage Hisoka (Ueda Keisuke) as Franz Arisugawa Homare (Tanaka Ryousei) as Nonomiya Tsukioka Tsumugi (Aramaki Yoshihiko) as Izumi Ryohei

-

(the curtain rises. kota is going about his business, reading and sleeping on the couch in the foreground, going to work at his office. in the background, reo drinks from an unsuspecting passerby, but is accosted by a vampire hunter in white. franz shows up to have a knife fight with the vampire hunter, but reo is injured, and falls into kota’s arms as he’s walking home.)

Kota: Hey!

Reo: Help...me...

-

Reo: Good morning. You were a great help yesterday.

Kota: Did you make this?

Reo: It’s just from what was in the fridge, so it’s nothing special, but I wanted to give you something as thanks for letting me stay the night.

Kota: Amazing. What are you, a wife?

Reo: I’ve lived this long, but I think this is the first time someone’s called me a wife.

(kota takes a bite of the sandwich reo made him, but the funny part is that bc of the face shield requirement, it doesn’t make it to his mouth. the poor man can’t eat his wife’s cooking. rest in pieces.)

Kota: It’s good! I’m Seo Kota. And you are?

Reo: Reo...Kuto Reo.

Kota: Reo. If you don’t have anywhere else to go, you can stay here for a while.

Reo: You’d let a man you don’t even know stay in your house?

Kota: Eh, well...my room’s nice and clean...and this is delicious. If you stay, it’ll be a big help for me too.

Reo: You’re really trusting, aren’t you. Well, I’ll be in your care, then.

Kota: Aren’t you going to eat?

Reo: I eat at irregular times. Don’t mind me, just eat.

[winter telepathy time part 1] Azuma: (Just as I’d expect from you. You’re really giving off this feeling of helplessness that’s nothing like how you are normally.)

Tasuku: (The version of me that always seems strong might be the one that’s acting, though.)

Azuma: (You can say something like that without hesitation...you’re an adult, so you are strong.)

Tasuku: (Because we’ve got these members...let’s take this to the very end, in a delicate way fitting for Winter.)

Azuma: (Yes, let’s.)

-

Kota: I’m off.

Reo: Take care.

Kota: So you’re just going to send me out. Yesterday...you asked me for help...

Reo: I’m sorry...

-

Izumi: Oh, do you live here? I just moved in, I’m Izumi.

Kota: I’m Seo. Nice to meet you.

Izumi: You’re on your way to work, right? Sorry for stopping you.

Kota: No, it’s alright. If you ever have any problems, please let me know.

-

Nonomiya: Hey, I heard. You picked someone up off the street? That’s way too suspicious. This isn’t an afternoon drama or a manga for middle-aged ladies.

Kota: Give me a break. Reo’s a good guy. And he can cook.

Nonomiya: (sigh.) If you say stuff like that it’s only gonna hurt you.

[winter telepathy time part 2] Homare: (Well, well, how is it? My acting as an office worker.)

Tasuku: (Honestly, I’m surprised. You can even do a role like this smoothly now, huh.)

Homare: (An outstanding artist can excel in anything they do.)

Tasuku: (How reliable.)

Homare: (Now, continue as you like. The rest of us shall support you.)

-

(kota goes home. he and reo spend time talking together until he seems to get tired, when reo helps him over to the bed.)

Reo Saying that I’m sorry Might not be fair I’m eating away at your life And yet I wonder why Even though I want your blood, I don’t want it

(and then reo dramatically leans over kota and just, Bite)

Kota: Sorry about last night.

Reo: ...what for?

Kota: I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately. I must be noisy in my sleep.

Reo: No, you’ve been sleeping quietly.

Kota: That’s good, then.

Reo: Rather than worry about someone else, you should look after yourself...

Kota: Huh?

Reo: Nothing. Are you feeling well? Can you go to work?

Kota: Yeah. I had some of your cooking, so I’m fine. I’m off.

-

Izumi: Good morning.

Kota: Good morning.

Izumi: Ah, Seo-san. Are you off on weekdays as well? I’ve been hearing noises from next door in the middle of the day, so...

Kota: Oh, no. I just have a friend over.

Izumi: Is that so...a friend. (i love this part bc when he says ““ah. a friend.”” he goes from being nice gentle neighbour to “were it not for the fact that you were a human i would have murdered you where you stand” in like zero seconds, thanks mackey)

[winter telepathy time part 3] Tasuku: (How is everyone, Tsumugi?)

Tsumugi: (To put it simply, I’ve got respect for them. No matter how minute an action is, they can return it, and everyone’s acting is so varied, it’s interesting.)

Tasuku: (Jeez, you’re the one who does that the most and you’re going to say it?)

Tsumugi: (We...started acting so that one day we’d meet Winter, didn’t we.)

Tasuku: (...we did.)

-

Nonomiya: Oi, Seo. You look terrible.

Kota: I just didn’t get any sleep, I guess.

Nonomiya: It’s not just today. You’ve been like this the whole week. That’s when you met that freeloader, right? Something’s just off about him.

Kota: I told you, it’s not Reo’s fault.

Nonomiya: No, he’s too suspicious. I’m coming with you.

-

Franz: Well, you’ve found a nice place to lay your head, haven’t you? Care to share it with me?

Reo: It’s not like that. Don’t interfere.

Franz: Ah, how cold! Isn’t that a part of our relationship?

Reo: If that’s all you wanted from me, then leave, Franz.

Franz I don’t know what it is you’ve become so infatuated with But we cannot—

Reo I know, the sun’s light is too strong ...and yet, I’ll end up longing for it anyway

Franz Hatred of the dark—

Reo I can’t help but wish—

Franz —is humanity’s weakness

Reo —that we’d be able to live alongside each other

Kota: Eh? Reo...who’s that?

Nonomiya: Wait, that’s who you picked up? I knew it, he’s definitely suspicious!

Kota: I told you, he isn’t like that. Hey, Reo!

(i just wanna point out here it’s so funny he goes from :( at nono to the gentlest voice calling out to reo, and nonomiya just loOKS SO PISSED LIKE . HUH? WHAT ARE YOU BEING SOFT AT HIM FOR. HEY.)

Reo: Kota...

Franz: Is that him? Well, he does have a good physique... (franz licks his fangs i hate it so much u all need to know this)

Reo: Franz, let’s go somewhere else.

Nonomiya: They ran off! Those guys are probably part of some criminal organisation or something, right?!

Kota: That’s enough, Nonomiya! But...why did he ignore me...?

Kota Letting you stay in my home Might be unfair

Kota, Reo I’m getting used to having you around You’re a man I just met, only by coincidence But I always want to be with you

Franz: You haven’t been drinking blood much, have you?

Reo: Since I’m staying in his home, I can’t bring myself to drink from him properly.

Franz: Is that not the entire point of this human? Just hurry up and drink already, you’ll die.

Reo: That’s what I wanted to do at first.

-

Kota: Why did you just run away without saying anything...Reo...

-

Franz: Our pursuers are closing in on this neighbourhood. That’s what I came here to tell you.

Reo: Thank you.

Franz: Have you no intention of leaving that house? Surely, at this point—

Reo: It’s fine. It’ll be fine.

-

(kota is asleep on the floor by the couch by the time reo gets back home and thEY ARE LITERALLY SITTING LIKE THE DAMN POSTER HOLDING HANDS AS REO SINGS THE NEXT PART)

Reo Even if it isn’t fair for me to apologise I need to tell you I’m glad I met you So I’ll leave it til the end I want your blood I want it more than anyone else

-

Reo: You’ve been such a great help. I didn’t mean to stay for so long, but I got too comfortable.

Kota: There’s no need for you to leave so soon, since it’s easier on me too, anyway.

Reo: That’s not why I’m leaving.

Kota: Have you found a place to stay?

Reo: Kind of. Kota...thank you.

-

Kota: Oh, Izumi-san. Good morning.

Reo: You...!

Izumi: So you’re moving out? Well, here’s a going-away present.

Reo: Kota, get back! (izumi runs him right through with a sword. a whole sword.)

Kota: Izumi-san?

Izumi: What a shame. It’s only been a little while, but we were neighbours too! (he twists the sword while it’s still in reo, he’s a terrible man and i love him)

Kota: What are you doing?!

(some very excellent sword swinging and mad cackling from izumisan while reo is suffering and falls to the ground. thank you mackey.)

Izumi: Filthy creature of the night. Thou shalt be eradicated in the name of my blood pact!

(kota runs in front of reo.)

Izumi: Out of the way. I’ll kill you as well.

Reo: Stop! Kota has nothing to do with this!

Izumi: Ha! The two of you are friendly, aren’t you. Even though humans are nothing more than meals to your kind.

Kota: Meals...? What are you talking about?

Izumi: He’s a vampire. Humans’ enemy.

Kota: Vampire? Reo would never...! (he backs away from reo for a bit)

Reo: Kota...

Izumi: Now, hand him over.

(kota goes back to reo and protectively puts his arms around him.)

Izumi: Ah, so you’ve debased yourself to the level of an underling of blood. No matter. I’ll send you both off.

(franz jumps from the steps, fending off izumi’s sword with his two entire knives i love stage ver. he even twirls a knife as he talks.)

Franz: Oh, my. I thought I’d join in myself, but it looks like I’ve drawn the short end of the stick. Well, it can’t be helped. I’ll give you a hand.

Izumi: Accursed vampire...

(EXTREMELY GOOD SWORD + KNIFE FIGHT IT’S GOOD THAT’S ALL I CAN TELL YOU THEY’RE EXCELLENT I LOVE THEM)

[winter telepathy time part 4] Tsumugi: (This is amazing, Hisoka-kun. Your movements are far more polished than they were during rehearsals.)

Hisoka: (I don’t even need to think, my body’s just moving on its own. I don’t know why, though.)

Tsumugi: (Maybe it has something to do with your past.)

Hisoka: (I want to face them too...like Azuma...my memories...)

(THIS ENTIRE TIME THEY ARE STILL AGGRESSIVELY KNIFE FIGHTING EVEN WHILE THEY’RE HAVING THIS INTERNAL CONVERSATION I LOSE MY SHIT EVERY TIME)

(franz disarms izumi and kicks him in the face.)

Franz: Want to keep going?

Izumi: Humanity will not yield to your kind. The white blade shall invariably pass judgement upon you! (he runs away like a little bitch but at least he got a real fight this time)

Kota: Reo! Reo!!

Franz: Can you leave him to me?

Kota: But...

Franz: Worry not. He and I are the same.

Kota: ...Fine. Please take care of him.

Franz: There’s a good boy.

Kota There’s no need for you to apologise I’ll give you my blood So please, please Live I don’t want to lose you

(IN AT LEAST ONE OF THE LIVE VERSIONS HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S STARTING TO CRY AS HE’S SINGING THE LAST LINE. WHAT EVEN IS STAGE NOCT)

-

Reo: Where’s Kota...?

Franz: He’s fine. You don’t expect me to ask him to share some of his blood, do you?

Reo: ...thank you, Franz.

Franz: Since you’ve been found out, you can’t stay here any longer. The next one will be coming along soon.

Reo: What have we done wrong? We only live a little longer than regular humans.

Franz: Anything unorthodox must be eliminated. That’s how humanity is.

-

Kota: Reo!

Reo: This is goodbye, Kota. I’m glad I met you.

Kota: I understand what’s going on now. There’s no need for you to leave!

Reo: Humans like you make even this mundane life worth living.

Kota: Are you just going to live alone like this again?

Reo: This is the fate of my kind.

Kota: ...then, take me with you. (this idiot is really out here on the ground opening his fucking collar i’m sorry i can’t take it here i’m lsoing my shit)

Reo: What...?

Kota: I’m saying I’ll keep you company. I’ll do anything, I’ll even become a vampire!

[winter telepathy time part 5] Azuma: (This distance that we haven’t...that we couldn’t break through until now...after bravely taking a step forward, I feel like we’ve become more connected to each other than ever before.)

Reo: ...Thank you, Kota. Just hearing you say that, I...

aaaand it goes into shoutai here. as always from the wiki

Reo, Kota The truth is I want to bite sweetly into the nape of your neck, and play with the red blood that flows forth Though my instincts may howl for release, I have kept them held back deep inside me If I hated you any more than I do, I would have long taken everything from you To the point that my throat runs dry, my heart has thirsted for it Listening to the tender echo of your sleeping breaths I have begun to learn what it means to fear loneliness

Reo Laughing at myself for letting a human grow on me I walk out into the depths of darkness all alone

(here i genuinely think that reo doesn’t actually bite kota again like he does in the original? like, he just kinda knocks him out and leaves his coat over him like a blanket. which makes me ??!?!!?? like...it feels like it’s really driving home the whole idea that reo doesn’t want to hurt him any more than he already has and i’m bbbhgbhhhb   ok)

Reo: Good night, and sweet dreams...

-

Nonomiya: Hey. Hey! Are you alive? Seo-chan?! (SEO-CHAN????????????)

Kota: ...h.

Nonomiya: What, you just overslept? You had me worried since you didn’t show up to work.

Kota: (running around the room) Where’s Reo?

Nonomiya: Reo? (picks up the jacket on the floor) What’s this?

Kota: (clutching the jacket in tears) He...left me behind... (HE STARTS SOBBING ON THE FLOOR)

Nonomiya: Are you okay...? Hey...

(while kota is sobbing on the floor you can see reo at the top part of the stage staring forlornly at the whole thing. i hate it here so much)

Kota: That idiot...

(it’s in the actual show, i don’t know why it’s not included in the soundtrack? ig bc it’s like...an adlib in-universe but so is sagishima’s thing about being fond of shiki and that’s on the soundtrack. idk man. thanks for reading the vampire gays.)

[lunatens]

too much to ask

word count: 1.5k

genre: angst :((

pairing: hwang hyunjin x gender neutral reader

requested by anonymous <3

a/n: i don’t write angst often but this is probably the most angsty thing i’ve ever written lolol pls enjoy i hope it makes u sad also if anyone wants a sequel lemme know bc i feel so bad doing best boy hyunjin like this 

112520 update: here’s the sequel!

~

“happy birthday to me,” you sing lowly to yourself as you take another swig of your drink. it’s nearly midnight--meaning your birthday will be over in a mere few minutes--and hyunjin still isn’t home. you haven’t seen him all day, except for when he gave you a quick kiss when he left early in the morning with whispers of “i’ll see you tonight, babe. happy birthday,” as he quietly slipped out the door. 

honestly, you had high hopes for today. you’ve generally been understanding of hyunjin’s busy schedule, and while it’s hard for him to be busy or overseas so often you’ve gotten used to it. sure, it meant a lot of holidays or anniversaries or celebrations spent alone, and it always hurts, but you’ve learned to accept hyunjin can’t be with you all the time. 

but he promised you he’d be home early from practice today so the two of you could spend the entire evening and night together--a rare occurrence, most times you have to settle on just a video chat or something. so hyunjin promising to spend the evening together was a big deal, and you couldn’t help but get your hopes up. of course you support hyunjin’s career and you always will, but you’d be lying to say you don’t crave a normal relationship where you can actually be with each other.

you had sat there for god knows how long staring out the window, eagerly waiting for hyunjin’s arrival. as the shadows grew long and a dusty haze darkened the sky, your heart sank deeper and deeper while your apartment remained silent. no loud laughter or terrible, over the top renditions of “happy birthday” echoing through the walls; no smell of blown-out candles or taste of sweet frosting on your lips. most importantly, no kisses that taste like sprinkles or soft hugs or hours spent in hyunjin’s arms like you were expecting. you haven’t even heard from your boyfriend since he’s been out, and you find yourself thinking at least a “sorry running late” text would be nice.

all of the day’s increasingly sad events--or lack thereof--are what has led you to your current state: lying sprawled out on the couch in the dark with your drink in one hand and the tv remote in the other as you flick through channels. you notice the slight buzz of alcohol making your head feel a little fuzzy--perhaps you’re balancing the line of tipsy and drunk.

you’re so out of it you barely register the key in the lock or the creak of the door as it swings open. the quietness of how hyunjin removes his coat and shoes tells you he’s trying to avoid you noticing him right away--he’s being cautious, you know he’s unsure of how to handle this situation. you glance at the clock and aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry; it’s 12:01--he’s missed your birthday by a single minute.

you opt for ignoring hyunjin, wanting to see how he treats the situation. honestly, your thoughts are too cloudy to even try and piece words together, so silence seems like the best option for now. you remain your channel surfing, eventually settling on an animal documentary. on-screen, you watch as a herd of elephants traverse a large expanse of desert. the room is silent, besides the quiet narration of the elephants’ journey, but you know hyunjin’s still there.

after what seems like an eternity, you pick up on the tentative shuffling footsteps that make their way to the couch. you feel arms snake their way around you from behind, but you don’t reciprocate.

“i’m so sorry, y/n” he mumbles, climbing over the couch to sit beside you. he studies your face, but you continue staring at the tv ahead. a baby elephant is now approaching a mud hole in search of water. you try to focus on the elephants and not how upset you are at how your rare chance at having a fun night together was taken away from you. you’re trying not to think about how you’re always so patient with hyunjin, and you put up with so, so much, and the one day that’s meant to celebrate you has been ruined. was it too much to ask for just one day--scratch that, a mere evening together? apparently it was, you think to yourself, and you try to remain stoic but you can’t stop the teardrops from silently trickling down your cheek. the elephant on-screen slips and falls into the mudhole, trumpeting feebly as it struggles to climb out. 

“y/n, i’m so sorry.”hyunjin says again, this time pulling your body close to his so he can hold you tightly and stroke your hair gently like he always does to soothe you. this action makes it worse; now you feel like you shouldn’t be mad at him, it’s probably not his fault. but you still are mad, and you can’t seem to redirect this anger. you still remain limp, not responding at all to hyunjin’s attempts at reconciliation. the alcohol clouding your thoughts does nothing to help the situation, and you find you’re having trouble processing the whirlwind of emotions running through you.

“i just--i tried to leave after practice, which already was running late,but seungmin was struggling with a part of the choreo so i-”

“you promised.” you cut him off, voice quiet but stern--almost stern, actually, as your voice waivers a bit at the end. hyunjin shuts up, taking the cue not to make any excuses. he quietly waits for your response, and you can feel his heart beating loud in his chest. you know he’s feeling immense guilt right now and is doing his best to not set off any land mines, and you almost feel bad for him for a moment, but the pang in your chest when you finally look at him with tear-stained cheeks reminds you how hurt you are. 

“you promised, hyunjin. you promised we’d have this one evening together, and i was dumb enough to actually get excited to be able to spend time with my boyfriend for once but now i realize that was so stupid of me, how could i be so stupid hyunjin?? this should’ve been like every other holiday or celebration where i sit alone wishing you were here and you’re out with your friends having fun and touring the world, i always miss you when that happens and it sucks but at least it doesn’t hurt as bad as this does,” the words start spilling from your mouth, and you’re not sure how much hyunjin can even understand from your mildly slurred speech, but you’re sure he’s got the gist of it.

“y/n, i--”

“i wish i never met you.” you mutter, half to yourself. your voice is barely audible at all, in fact you wouldn’t even be sure you said it if it wasn’t for the way hyunjin’s face fell. you watch how the colour drains from his face and he stares at you with wide eyes and speechless lips, you can see the heartbreak written across his face. hyunjin responds softly, trying his best to keep his composure.

“y-you don’t mean that,” he says with uncertainty, now avoiding eye contact. you merely glare at him in response, you want to tell him you didn’t mean it and you take it all back but you know that’s not entirely true. as much as you love hyunjin so, so much, this loneliness and heartbreak is just so hard sometimes, and it makes you question whether this relationship is worth it. sometimes you just think it would be so much easier if you’d never met hyunjin, you wouldn’t know this kind of pain.

hyunjin’s breath hitches at your silence, and he runs his fingers through his hair--a constant habit of his. without looking back up at you, he speaks once again, voice low. 

“okay, well uh, i-i think i’m going to head to bed then. i lov--happy birthday, y/n.” he mutters, and with those words, he slowly makes his way to your shared bedroom. in your peripheral vision, you catch him turn to look at you when he reaches the doorway, but you continue staring blankly at the tv. it’s not long before his slender figure disappears from sight and you hear the door quietly click behind him.

on the tv screen, you notice the elephant has fallen into the mud pit and is struggling to climb free. the herd in the distance doesn’t seem to notice this struggle, and the elephant sinks deeper into the mud each time it tries to escape. you check your phone to see the time and your wallpaper photo of you and hyunjin together is enough to open the flood gates. silent tears stream down your face as you lie alone on the couch, pulling the blanket tight to you and trying not to think about how falling asleep without hyunjin beside you (yet knowing he’s in the room next to you) just feels so wrong. it’s safe to say this has been the worst birthday ever, you think to yourself as your drunkenness finally lulls you to sleep.

[lexgivesgayadvice]

hi! first of all i think what ur doing is amazing and i hope u also have time to take care of urself as well as helping all of us!

i was hoping for some advice, as i’m sure u guessed hahah so it’s kind of two fold one part more advice-y than the other i think

so i recently graduated college and moved away from my home town and the town i went to college which was only 2 hours away from my home town which has made my more comfortable to question what i know about my sexuality. pretty much all my life the majority of my friends have been LGBTQIA+ or otherwise confidentially queer identifying in some way and theyve always joked i’m the token straight or my best friend who moved out here with me always referenced the john mulaney joke, that when i was being created everything about my was made like a wlw but then they forgot to switch the flip that actually makes me like women…… ive always kind of wondered about my sexuality but honestly i never wanted to actually pursue anyone who isn’t a straight man bc the one occasion i kissed a girl, or had a work friend who i also hooked up with who was non-binary everyone made such a big deal and sensationalized it (which is also a whole other issue with how they reacted like i had to be gay bc i was hooking up with a non binary person and they got a massive talking to but anyway) and had this very almost like…. see we’ve been right all along attitude that rubbed me the wrong way and made me not want to “prove them right” out of spite and i don’t know how to juggle learning more about myself and that feeling and also struggling with like… i know i’m incredibly privileged to know i’m surrounded by ppl who love me and would accept me if i am not straight but the idea that they would have this “i was right u were wrong” vibe about it puts a bad taste in my mouth idk what i’m asking here but i just rlly wanted to say something to someone i hope that’s okay!!

and my actual advice portion i’ll try to make short and sweet since i rambled a lot above sorry again! i’ve been really thinking extra about exploring this part of myself that i know likes men but also i’m pretty sure that’s not all i like but i don’t want anyone to get hurt or offend or disrespect anyone in the process. basically i don’t want someone to think they’re my “big gay field trip” or my “gay experiment”. do u or anyone else have any advice on how i can interact with queer spaces and try to date women without making them feel like im a straight girl experimenting/toying with their feelings/any other hurtful or mean things

thank u again ur amazing!!!

Hello my friend!!! Thanks for your kind words - I'm so happy to be here helping you out!

I think that broadly speaking, your best option for everything going on here is to be honest. I'm operating under the assumption that your friends are decent people who care about you and aren't doing a good job expressing that. It doesn't make it okay that they're treating you in a way that clearly makes you uncomfortable, but if it's coming from a place of love and genuine excitement to welcome you into the queer community, then it's probably a lot easier to make them understand how you feel. Tell them that you're continuing to explore your sexuality but their past reactions are making you self-conscious and hesitant to let yourself freely explore your identity. If that feels like a lot, talk to one or two trusted people and let them help you get the point across that you're grateful for their support, but they need to chill. And if they aren't willing to make an effort to do that, well, maybe consider if they're really the friends you thought they were.

As far as having experiences with women, I think again just be honest! "I've been questioning my sexuality and I don't know exactly what I'm feeling or how I want to identify, but I'd like to spend some time with you/hang out/try some things if you're down." Let them know that you're genuinely interested in them but also still figuring yourself out, and then the expectations will be appropriate and they can choose whether that's what they're looking for at the moment. Just be kind and caring and respectful of everyone's feelings (including your own) and I think you'll do just fine!

I wish you the best of luck on your journey of self-discovery, anon!!! Don't let anyone stop you from figuring out who you truly are 💚🌈