#and i'm not confident enough in my attraction to identify as either one

[thatdude-noah]

both aromanticism and asexuality are identities and labels that i feel could apply to me to some degree, but i struggle to wrap my head around what it means. i think it's just the autism talking, but both identities feel like they're dependent on the opposite end of the spectrum if that makes sense? like. you're asexual because you're not allosexual. and the reverse applies as well, obviously, but we live in a society where it's just assumed everybody is allosexual. the problem is, i have no idea what being allosexual is supposed to feel like. i don't know what sexual or romantic attraction feels like to most people. so i can never fully grasp the aro or ace labels, because i don't know what that identity feels like. maybe i'm on the aro spectrum, or maybe this is how romantic attraction feels to everybody else. maybe i'm on the ace spectrum, or maybe this is how everybody else experiences sexual attraction. i can never figure it out.

[wongyuseokie]

Tall Hot Boyfie and His Tall Hot Friend | k.m.g | k.s.w

Summary: Your boyfriend has been neglecting you for long enough, and you decide to take things into your own hands. Is it your fault that your boyfriend’s very attractive colleague is there the night you decide to do so? 

☆ 18+ minors dni |☀︎fluff | ♕ smut | ♥ completed works

Word Count: 2106 words

Pairings: Kim Mingyu x Female Reader x Kim Seokwoo (Rowoon) x Female Reader

Genre/Trope(s)/AUs: PWP, smut

Content Warnings: Mentions of alcohol 

Smut Warnings: Kissing, threesome, oral sex (f receiving), finger, rough sex (sorta), squirting, overstimulation, cum eating, very, very brief m x m. Spanking, like once, dirty talk. 

Authors Note 1: Thank you so much to @hwasangelbaby for beta'ing this 💕 Authors Note 2: Look, wbk how bad I am down for Mingyu, but Rowoon--I blame Tomorrow and Destined For You, and in general my love for tall hot men. So this fic happened. Also, I repurposed an old fic to make this heh.

Tagging a few lovlies: @dejavernon, @gyuwoncheol @smileysuh @duhnova @kmgkmg

Cross Posted on AO3

© wongyuseokie 2023. All rights reserved.

It was the fourth night in a row when your boyfriend cancelled on you at the last minute. You couldn't be too mad either, being the CEO of the most prestigious banks in Seoul. Kim Seokwoo had a lot of work, and while you usually were patient, you had run out. 

Aside from merely missing dates, he last touched you nearly two weeks ago. Every night he got home, you wanted nothing more than to ask him to fuck you and make you beg for more, scream his name and shiver from overstimulation. 

Except he looked so exhausted from work you couldn't bring yourself to ask him to fuck you senseless. 

“Baby girl, not now. Daddy's too tired” was the same response you'd been getting for at least two weeks. 

You'd been patient, but two weeks was too long, and you needed him. You were done being understanding. You needed him and needed him now, and you weren't taking no for an answer. 

You even offered to take care of him, you just wanted to touch him and sink to your knees and take his cock in your mouth and make him cum, but he shook off your advances. 

“Yes, Mr. Kim, I understand what you're saying, but it's just getting ridiculous that I must explain to the board why I'm making decisions. I'm the fucking CEO.” You heard Seokwoo bellow downstairs. 

Your curiosity got the better of you, and you went downstairs to the living room, where you saw your boyfriend wearing a black suit with his sleeves rolled up and exposing his tanned and toned arms. 

His tie was loosened and just dangling loosely around his neck. You shook your head; you came downstairs to find out what your boyfriend had so worked up. Instead, his appearance got you flustered. 

“Listen to me. Your arrogance is why the board doesn't trust you. Yes, you are the CEO, but you cannot ignore the presence of the board. They are there to help you.” The voice belonged to a man you could only describe as ungodly handsome. His stern gaze and delicate features made you swoon. 

You were a loyal girlfriend, and no one could ever doubt it. You and Seokwoo had your indulgences, and a threesome was on the list of things you both wanted to try yet never had an opportunity to do so, and this beautiful man in front of you was making your head swirl and fueling your wildest dreams. 

The thought of your boyfriend fucking you, making you beg, and while you were sucking off this handsome stranger's cock, made you feel lightheaded. 

“Mingyu-” Seokwoo started to say.

Oh wow, a beautiful name for a handsome man, you thought. 

“Listen, take a break. We can discuss this; let's have a drink. The three of us discuss this calmly.” Mingyu stated calmly, and you realised you had been noticed. 

“Three of us?” Seokwoo questions, keeping his back to you. 

“I believe that is your beautiful girlfriend; you talk about her a lot. It wasn't hard to identify her.” Mingyu casually said. His confidence and calmness stirred something in you. 

“Baby? You know better than to interrupt my meetings,” Seokwoo said sternly, his eyebrow cocking as he expressed his displeasure at you interrupting your meeting. 

Typically, you would apologise and accept your punishment later on. 

Not tonight. 

You didn't know whether it was the lack of intimacy, the handsome stranger or your boyfriend, but you would not be a good girl. You weren't going to behave. You were going to be a brat, and fuck, if Mingyu wanted to watch or join, he could. 

“And you know better than to leave your girlfriend alone for two weeks and not touch her,” you stated calmly and confidently. 

Both men looked shocked for a split second. Seokwoo recovered with a gaze that you only saw when you disobeyed him. Mingyu, on the other hand, got up from his relaxed position on the sofa and extended a hand out to you. 

“Hyung, do I need to teach you everything? I understand you see me as your advisor, but I thought you were more than capable of caring for your lady?” Mingyu teased as he intertwined his fingers with yours.

You were at a loss for words but kept a poker face. Seokwoo, on the other hand, got visibly more annoyed, his jaw clenched.

“Mingyu, I can take care of her just fine.” He spoke back, gritting his teeth. 

“Really? Is that why I haven't had your dick inside me for the last two weeks? Is that why your baby girl had to use her fingers to cum?” You responded while smirking. You didn't know where this newfound sense of boldness came from, but god, did you love it. 

“I believe Mingyu said we should all drink together, so let's do that. It's the least you can do for not fucking me, Daddy,” you said, making Seokwoo hiss in annoyance. 

“Wow! Hyung, you got yourself a bratty one, didn't you?” He laughed and turned his attention to you. 

“Tell me, pretty girl, what's your poison?”

“Whiskey neat,” you responded.

“Hyung, you heard the pretty lady. Get us all a drink, and we can talk about how we can fix several issues,” Mingyu suggested. 

Seokwoo stayed still. He was getting angrier by the minute, but the way you were acting also had his trousers getting tighter, and he wanted nothing more than to put you on your hands and knees and fuck you until you cried his name. 

“Daddy, please, your baby is thirsty. Don't worry, Mingyu can keep me company in the meantime,” you say as you sit on the sofa. Mingyu follows you and sits beside you, still holding your hand. 

Seokwoo growled, and that growl shot straight to your core and instantly started soaking your panties. You rubbed your thighs together in a feeble attempt to relieve yourself. 

The action didn't go unnoticed by either man. Seokwoo responded to your pathetic attempts by walking into the kitchen to grab the drinks while Mingyu slowly stroked your thigh. 

“Baby, don't think I didn't notice you. You got wet from a growl. You are a dirty little whore,” Mingyu praised calmly, smirking. Your arousal and his words had you so confused yet wanting to know more. 

“Hyung, you were right,” Mingyu exclaimed as your boyfriend returned from the kitchen with the drinks in his hand. 

You were so confused.

“What did I tell you? She is a dirty slut. Look at her. She saw her boyfriend and another handsome man, and she's a mess,” Your boyfriend spat, making you whimper.

Feigning innocence, you meekly said, “Seokwoo?” 

Seokwoo glared at you, downed his drink, yanked you out of Mingyu’s arms and placed you on the floor. He leaned down to you, his hot breath fanning your face, and at this point, you were sure your arousal was dripping onto the floor. 

“Baby, you're so needy, and I was going to take care of you tonight, but you couldn't listen and wait. So, whores like you deserve to be punished,” Seokwoo taunted, and your mind was hazy with arousal yet going wild with fantasies. 

As if reading your mind, Seokwoo moved back onto the sofa, grabbed Mingyu by his neck, and kissed his jaw.

“Daddy, please,” you whimpered. 

“Jealous?” Seokwoo taunted, making you whine, and both men scoffed at you, not paying you any attention. You felt so desperate you needed something. You removed your shirt, undid your shorts, and discarded your bra and underwear. You spread your legs and started circling your clit. 

“Daddy, please fuck me,” you let out a soft whimper as you begged,  this time, both men noticed, and neither was impressed. 

“Baby girl, because we have a guest, I won't punish you,” Seokwoo said calmly. He extended his arm out to you, and you grabbed onto it. Seokwoo sat you down between both of them. The position made you giddy, and you couldn't stop squirming. 

“Hyung, let's put the poor girl out of her misery, shall we?” Mingyu suggested as he rose from his seat and started discarding his clothes.

You started drooling when you saw his cock, it was large and thick and curved slightly, and you knew it would hit you in all the right places. 

“Look at her, Hyung. She's already drooling for my cock. Do you want it, pretty girl? My cock in your mouth?” Mingyu teased, and you shook your head furiously, your words failing you. 

At this moment, Seokwoo stood up and stripped himself from the four years of being together. You could never tire of the sight of your boyfriend naked. 

Both men, now naked, took their positions back on the sofa, only this time Mingyu sat slightly far away from you and pushed you back so you were leaning on Seokwoo’s chest. You felt Seokwoo get hard under you, and the thought of it made you tremble. 

Mingyu snaked his large hand down to your breast, slowly rubbing and pinching the nipple. His hands trailed down further to reach your pussy; he teased you. 

Mingyu’s fingers were ghosting your clit and entrance. He finally showed mercy and slid a long finger into your wet pussy. 

“Fuck pretty, so fucking wet,” Mingyu praised as he moved down, hovering over your face and softly kissing you. While he added another finger inside you and started moving his hand against your g-spot. 

It was embarrassing how close you were, but these men had worked you up so much. Mingyu crawled down your body until his lips reached your dripping cunt. 

Mingyu stuck his tongue out and gave your pussy a tentative lick, and you moaned and squirmed about from the teasing, but Seokwoo’s strong arms held you in place. 

Mingyu put you out of your misery almost instantly. He wrapped his plump lips around your clit and sucked and fingered you. He showed no signs of slowing. On the other hand, you were starting to get so close, and you were almost there until Mingyu stopped, leaving you a whimpering mess. 

“No, pretty, if you cum, you cum around my cock,” saying this, Mingyu lined his cock along your swollen and sensitive folds, making you shudder, and without warning, filled you up. 

He showed no mercy and set an animalistic pace; you fell apart and around his cock. Your pussy clenched around him, making him groan and growl, only making him fuck you senseless through your orgasm till he reached his own. 

Mingyu finished, his cum coating your walls and pulled out from you. 

In an instant, Mingyu reattached his lips to your cunt, and pushed his tongue into your cunt. He was collecting his cum on his tongue. You shuddered and nearly cried from the overstimulation. 

You suddenly felt Seokwoo let go of you and fell back onto the sofa. 

Seokwoo grabbed you by your waist and flipped you onto your hands and knees with no time to readjust. Without warning, he pushed himself into you. 

Seokwoo set a pace much like Mingyu, fucking you hard and with no signs of slowing down. He fucked you as your second orgasm hit you, you shook, trembling, but Seokwoo showed no mercy. 

He kept fucking and fucking. You felt something like a coil come undone inside you. You came hard and shook and started whimpering.

“Baby? You okay?” Gone was the dominant Sekokwoo; instead, a loving disposition took over. You nodded, still shaking. 

“Baby girl, you just squirted all over daddy’s cock,” Seokwoo stated, smirking and groaning, and you whined and shivered when Seokwoo slid his cock back inside your pussy, fucking you again as he chased his orgasm. 

“Fuck baby, you are so fucking tight,” Seokwoo moaned.  

Seokwoo’s thrusts started slowing down, and you felt him still and released into your pussy. He quickly scooped up his cum with his long fingers and walked over to Mingyu, and made him suck on his finger, making you whimper at the sight. 

“Well, Hyung, I guess you know how to please your girl,” Mingyu teased as he dressed quickly and left the apartment. 

“Thank you, baby, thank you,” you said breathlessly once the door shut behind Mingyu. 

“Baby?” Seokwoo said incredulously. 

“Baby, after a stunt like that, you think I'm done with you? You’re in trouble now. It’s still Daddy for you,” Seokwoo warned as he picked up your limp body off the sofa, threw you onto his shoulders, and made his way to the bedroom, slapping you on your ass for good measure. 

This night was far from over.

[lycankeyy]

Jesus Christ these doodles already feel so old . I was not lying I really am using this fixation to speedrun learning to draw humans LMAO. Anyway I made some of those silly "understand ship in 5 minutes" memes with my Favorite pairings in funkycule au not ALL of them just the ones that I brainrot hardest about. If I did one for all of them we'd be here all day I'd probably hit image limit it's called the funkycule for a reason

ANYWAY infodumping/details under the cut:

BF/GF/Pico:

I am a "BF and GF are Fucking Tall™️" truther because it's funny to me. With BF it's harder to tell because his posture is absolutely atrocious but GF is just So Fucking Tall

I'm going to be honest with the gender headcanon for BF. I guess I default to him being transmasc but I can see him as. Like. Anything. In fact I think he's just every gender. But I'm a coward so he's transmasc for the purposes of the chart. GF is a girl but identifying her as "cis" or "trans" doesn't mean much when demon genders don't really work like that. It's complicated. Pico is just a guy

Pico likes being the big spoon because he likes knowing that his partners are safe. However GF likes being the big spoon More. The result is Pico Sandwich. He will never admit it but Pico feels the safest he ever has in his entire life when he is being Pico Sandwiched

BF is very much a verbal affection type of guy. Yes he is nonverbal. His words of affection are various dubstep noises. His partners appreciate it so much

BF grew up kinda spoiled and never really learned how to cook. However after noticing that Pico is like extremely bad at feeding himself (canon six pack means nothing to me. That boy is skin and bones I won't be told otherwise /silly) he for the first time managed to convince himself to try it and he got Really into it he's actually good at it. He still loses his mind when GF makes him pb&j sammiches for dinner though it's his favorite thing in the world

Pico is Insanely overprotective mostly because he's extremely hypervigilant and sees potential danger in everything. BF is the exact opposite and even in situations where he's in immediate danger he'll be ironically more worried about Pico getting too worried about it. GF is also pretty ditzy about this due to her confidence that her boys can handle Anything but if either of them ever got hurt she would explode everyone in a 50 mile radius with her mind so like that counts for something

Random headcanon: the group's favorite date night activity is looking up an extremely bad movie and then commentating over it like old-school rage youtubers the whole time in an effort to see who can get the others to laugh the hardest. BF wins often because the flatness of the TTS voice he uses adds something to the humor of it

Pico/Darnell:

I kinda bounced around with what label to use for Darnell for a while. I definitely see him as arospec, with the stipulation that he does feel romantic attraction just like very not traditionally and after a Long Time. After going between quoiromantic and demiromantic for a bit I landed on grey bc it's open-ended enough to encompass it. The point is it took Darnell like 3 full years to realize that his feelings were less platonic than he thought and even then theyre still like. Only half-romantic lmao

Unfortunately as he cannot provide the Pico Sandwich Darnell is getting little spoon'd by a guy nearly a foot shorter than him. F

Pico and Darnell are pretty verbally coarse with each other in a way only people who've been through the amount of shit they have been together can be w/o jeopardizing their relationship. That being said they often express affection and insane amounts of trust through actions very frequently, sometimes even without either of them realizing. Them immediately making up after weekend 1 was one of those times lol

I put Pico on the "squashes the bug" end of both charts but in reality I think he just takes them outside unless it's like a gnat or something. Darnell isn't scared of bugs he just wonders what would happen if he set one on fire. Pico refuses to let him set them on fire

Even though Pico 2 is in a weird limbo state in funkycule just like it is irl, there's still some point in the timeline where Pico expressed protectiveness over Darnell, to the point where, years later, when Darnell heard Pico took down a whole army for BF and GF, he got jealous, because that was supposed to be their thing >:(. This was quickly followed by his Oh moment

Random headcanon: Pico and Darnell had been acquaintances for the whole time they were in school together, but they became friends when Pico (and Nene by proxy) were the only kids to continue hanging out with him after The Class Presentation Gone Wrong (Darnell Plays with Fire). To return the favor, Darnell stuck by Pico even after the events of PS fundamentally changed him as a person. Though their relationship can be messy, they've been virtually inseperable since.

Nene/Cassandra:

The levels of toxicity of this are mostly dependant on When in the timeline by the time these two are like 21 they've normalized a bit dw lmao

Okay so like. I've made so much Lore. For Pico's School. For no reason. Anyway penilians have nothing against child soldiers so Cas was shipped off to infiltrate Earth at the penilian equivalent of 13. Also while on a surface level she's transfem in more depth it's like "all penilians are One Sex and have One Gender so technically she is xenogender, using neopronouns, and if you want to be extra silly with it, by the time she's 19 she's functionally alienkin but for humans as a coping mechanism for being banished to earth (dw abt it)"

[Projects my trauma and its side effects onto Nene] who said that

I didn't think much on the borrowing clothes thing until I realized that I draw Nene and Cassandra wearing the same style of turtlenecks I was like. Do you know what would be really funny

I don't have many intimate cute headcanons for these two Yet because I'm so early on in developing my shit and these two are Not cute at first. However I do like to imagine that Nene calls Cas all kinds of over-the-top cutesy or stupid nicknames just to get a reaction out of her. She called her a "vixen" as a furry joke + something between a compliment and insult once and she almost died

Nene is literally the only one in this entire cast who's never gotten her license suspended also she's somewhat good at car maintence which Cas find inexplicably hot

Giggles and kicks my feet at putting both Pico and Cassandra at the far end of the overprotectiveness spectrum. Anyway

Random headcanon: in the short period of time before Cas started ghosting Nene and FNF happening, they were in contact for One Christmas when they were like 15. Nene got Cas a cute little switchblade with hearts carved into the handle. Cas keeps it in a box by her bed and refuses to let anyone touch it or to let it ever get dirty.

If you have read this far I love you. Here is your reward should you choose to accept it:

[pianokantzart]

Curious to what are your brief thoughts on Daisy being Luigi’s “canon love interest” as opposed to all the many many ships people have of Luigi (coming from an asexual person that doesn’t ship lmao)

I'm not big into shipping either, but if I had to choose... Luaisy is my favorite Luigi ship by a landslide, so I'm quite happy with Daisy being the canon love interest. On the rare occasion I do ship characters, especially ones I identify with (such as Luigi), it's on the basis of personal attraction: Bowser? Does nothing for me. Peasly? Does nothing for me. King Boo? Does nothing for me. Dimentio? Does nothing for me. Princess Daisy? HOT DOG! OOOH YES! Yes please! Put my boy directly into the big strong arms of that curvaceous firecracker! Let her smother him in love and adoration!!! Weirdly enough, my second favorite ship is Luigi x Morty.

I wouldn't call Morty "sexy," but to me he has an attractive personality. He's a confident, energetic, imaginative eccentric who is too invested in his art to care about the drama going on around him, or the huge cash reward for Luigi's defeat, and when he does meet Luigi he doesn't see him as someone to mock or fear like the other ghosts do, rather he sees him as something beautiful... something he wants to implement into his films. Like... that's really sweet? it's a rarepair, but I'm a fan. Just two softhearted, artsy weirdos who stay off to the side, and look at the world in their own special way, y'know?

[the-ace-with-spades]

(sometimes I feel) like a monkey pilot fic background bits (heavier on hangster this time), because I wanna write it, I'm having feelings about it, but it isn't coming along

Also, it recently passed 200 bookmarks and my little trans gay heart is so happy 🥹

---- When Jake and Bradley had met for the first time (back when Bradley was pre-transition), they were the opposite of each other's types. They haven't grown into the people they are as the fic begins, personality and body-wise, either, being like 23-24 — Jake was lean but scrawny, had about half of his today's confidence and sass and Bradley was still reeling with compacted anger/sadness and fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude that carried him through college and the basketball scholarship.

---- Bradley up until that point dated only girls and although he was kinda attracted to guys, he identified as a lesbian, and gave Jake a chance on a whim — mostly he thought Jake was a big dork and wasn't making him feel less like a lot of guys did. He felt like Jake didn't categorize him by 'female' standards much and that helped enormously too. Nat might or not have taken pity on Jake and talked to Bradley to emphasize that Jake is just a big dork that grows on you...

---- Jake'd only dated the next-door neighbor type of girls, very feminine and although on the playful side, always softer and more shy girls, usually curvy and tiny in comparison to him. He always imagined himself as a more stereotypical husband, with a housewife and kids waiting at home for him (very similar to the way his own parents were — his ma helped around on the farm, but she was primarily responsible for raising children until they grew enough, and his dad although present, would follow her lead when it comes to childrearing). But there was just something about Bradley, in all the two inches taller, semi-professional basketball player body and the cheeky quips glory and the way he felt challenged whenever they spoke, the way he wanted the attention to never end. Obviously, he found out pretty soon that Bradley was a dork and a softie and just felt even more endeared.

---- The above is also something that causes some problems down the lane — Jake always thought they were each other's 'special ones', that despite being totally different from what either of them would imagine in a partner, somehow they ended just being perfect for each other. He has this whole thing in his head where they're each other's 'exception to the rule' and obviously Bradley still is his exception (because he's a guy and Jake's never been with a guy) but now he isn't Bradley's. It's hard for him to communicate this properly and since Bradley is also very in his mind about Jake wanting him despite being a guy, it causes problems.

---- Their first date (which I'll write eventually) was a stroll at the farmer's market and eating freshly made with produce they bought there breakfast in the bed of Jake's truck. It kinda won both of them on each other and they were goners since.

---- They both dated in the five years of being broken-up. Bradley dated both guys and girls, with various results (some of his dates were trans guy chasers, some were just not clicking) and Jake dated a couple of girls of his previous type (mostly matchmade by his ma...) and a couple more tomboy-ish, sporty girls (mostly on Javy's desperate attempts to get him to move on), but it had never felt the same for either of them.

---- I do also want to emphasize that Bradley's mental state when he and Jake broke up was poor, but not in a very visible way. He's really good at compartmentalizing and since the whole Mav fiasco, also hyper-independent, and given his then-current life, he really didn't see any options that would keep everyone happy — in his mind, he didn't really have a choice but to leave and try to live as a woman once again, but with a clean slate (for both him and Jake) and no expectations but those that the Navy set for him. For him, in the military, it was really easy to lose identity (and also gender as part of identity) — he was an officer, naval aviator, sailor first, woman second, and it was the last line of comfort he had.

---- Jake kinda had a feeling something was off since he proposed and got rejected, but he didn't know how to address it because it wasn't very precise and almost felt as if he was making it up from his own insecurities (because his proposal, which he thought was just a formality, got rejected and now he felt confused and unsettled about how well they really knew each other, even if he didn't doubt they loved each other). Only when Bradley told him they needed to break up and that he was leaving for the Virginia base in half an hour, packed to go, never even having mentioned planning a transfer in the past months, he realized how bad it actually had been.

---- Jake did realize back then that Bradley (still pre-transition) had a lot of insecurities regarding his perception and body, he just kinda misunderstood the assignment and thought it came from the opposite reasons than in reality — that pre-transition Bradley was the most comfortable in the tomboy-ish, cocky image but didn't feel beautiful in typical 'female' standards and such, rather that he, you know, didn't want to feel pretty by 'female' standards at all. The only thing that helped Bradley feel good about

---- Like in most of my fics, I think Mav and Bradley can cook pretty well, mostly due to the headcanoned nature of their upbringings. Mav (who is part Italian in my mind, always), had often helped his mamma cook and then when she passed away, would often be responsible for meal preps as one of the oldest kids in his group homes. He's also used cooking as a way of taking care of the people he loves - Goose would've starved to death if Mav hadn't cooked for the both of them the first year they'd known each other, Carole has a similar upbringing as Mav but doesn't like cooking much, Ice can kinda cook (he can do anything if he tries hard enough) but doesn't like it. And Bradley would often help with cooking as a kid and then had to learn fast when he went to college and didn't have the money or means to not cook. He's also learned to use it as a form of love from Mav, with time.

---- I also think that a major thing about is how being someone's support can set both Mav and Bradley into override mode against all their fears and insecurities. I think Mav overcame a lot of his doubts when he had to take care of Bradley (the idea that he's not made for family, the idea he can only ruin relationships and cause harm to his loved ones, the idea he can be loved unconditionally with reciprocation, etc.) There was a deleted scene (that maybe will come back, I feel a bit weird about it b/c it's really cliche) where Bradley is pretty early in the transition process and where for the first time, he's not afraid to be clocked as trans by a stranger, and this all happens when he's helping another trans person in an icky situation during one of the trans support group meetings.

---- Bradley doesn't come out to anyone in their family — every single time someone found he's transitioning/transitioned, it was from Ice. This is how he preferred it, it started with Slider and Ice's sister (which is also another deleted scene I might post here at some point), and then to take some of the emotional stress, Mav and Ice agreed they could do the initial explanations/coming outs for him. Thing is, Mav always doesn't know how to begin and how to explain stuff without overexplaining it, so it's usually Ice who would actually do the talking with Mav there as support in case something goes wrong (it has not gone horrible even once — with various degrees of explanations and time to process, everyone in their family came around to accept Bradley as a man)

---- the title of this fic, (sometimes I feel) like a monkey pilot, comes from the Comsat Angels' song, Monkey Pilot, and had been chosen mostly because it resonates with my trans experience (and Bradley's) and how it feels to be in the denial, 'if I don't think about it doesn't exist' stage of being trans, when you're so transfixed and not in control of your own life that it all feels like you're just going through the motion and don't know what you're doing, don't care what you're doing as long as you're still in motion (or in the air, in Bradley's case). It's the feeling of doing things out of habit and because that's what is expected of you while realizing sullen it makes you and how there's only a few things that make it better (again, mostly flying in Bradley's case). Also, it's aviation-themed and inspired by J.G. Ballard's short stories, so it seemed fitting to me.

[obsoleteozymandias]

Hello! If you're still doing them, could I please get a Baldur's Gate 3 matchup? I hope you don't have too many, I know that matchup requests tend to pile up very quickly so I apologize if you already have a lot. 

Irl I'm AroAce but I am attracted to fictional characters, so any gender works for me. I am also genderfluid (she/her is fine), autistic and disabled with joint pain, asthma and sensitivity to cold. I'm a professional librarian, witch (and pagan, I write a lot about both things), herbalist/ethnobotanist and athlete. I really enjoy working out and getting big muscles, and I'm thinking about competing in either the Highland Games (at my state's Scottish festival) or the Paralympics. I have to be really careful with my breathing when working out and stuff because of my asthma, but I'm very stubborn so I make it work somehow lol. I'm a really odd mix of athletic and scholarly - I'm a librarian and I love plants, I can name almost any plant I find on the side of the road, but I also really enjoy being strong and impressing people with my muscles. I like to describe myself as an irl Shounen anime protagonist - I'm very spunky and determined, like if I'm going to be a witch or an athlete I'm going to be the best witch or athlete. I'm a little perfectionistic in that way but I also know when I need to take breaks. 

I love plants, I have a myriad of houseplants that I care for very deeply, and I also really enjoy cooking and baking. A big fact about my appearance is that I’m very short, I'm under 5’ (152 cm). I also have really wavy long auburn hair, glasses, big muscles, and I love collecting shirts and clothes that I think are funny. I once bought a really ugly pair of pants because they were called “gamer pants” and I found that hilarious. I'm basically if a girl was also a lame boyfriend and I love it. I'm generally a little confident and I like who I am, but I get anxious and awkward sometimes. People are actually a little surprised by my real chaotic personality because I usually put up a pretty sweethearted demeanor so they get caught off guard by some of my antics. That being said, I genuinely adore taking care of people and I like being nice to others. I’m also both a walking trivia machine and a himbo, so I know tons of facts but can’t figure out how to turn the wifi on lol. I really just do my own thing and I don’t keep up with pop culture or trends, so I’m clueless about most movies and series and things. 

Sorry if this is too long, I got a little too into it lmao! I hope you’re doing well, and thank you!

The AroAce-but-not-for-fictional-hotties (/j I cannot emphasize that enough) army is growing. We will conquer and we will kill. 

== Baldur’s Gate 3 ==>

I match you up with…

Karlach

Pre-relationship:

You and Karlach get on from day one. Your kindness gives her a sense of belonging amidst the morally grey characters in the party, and yet your chaotic tendencies make her laugh like no one else. 

Thus, she’s pretty smitten with you from day 1. 

She also likes that you’re intelligent and strong - you’re everything rolled up in one dorky package that she deeply admires. 

When you wrap up her wounds after she gets injured, you can practially hear her infernal engine exploding with emotion. 

She’ll constantly ask you about the plants you find, amazed you can identify them. She’ll make you bouquets of the nicest flowers she sees, and it’s all so terribly romantic. 

Confession: 

Karlach tells you how she feels point blank, but in a nice, private setting with some flowers for you. She wants you to know how she feels, and she isn’t afraid of that at all. 

Relationship:

You two are a force to be reckoned with on the field. You both knock in goblins’ heads together and look into eachother’s eyes lovingly as you do. 

She likes your penchant for wearing silly clothes. She enjoys that you are so put together and confident, but also that you let yourself be silly and whimsical at the same time. 

She’s always there to help you when you feel awkward, and there to cheer you on while you tear up both the physical and intellectual battlefield.

Y’all are perfect for each other, enough said.

[likebreadandwine]

Glad it was worded respectfully enough to warrant such an informative response, lol. It's just one of those cases where another person's experience is so different from my own that I honestly can't help but inquire about it and compare notes, so to speak

The way you described flirting is particularly interesting because, on the one hand, I feel like that's an approach that a lot of us take on the internet. There's a general, mutual understanding that we're all going to be more openly flirty and teasing with each other in kink spaces than we otherwise may be in other contexts, with the added footnote that it probably won't go anywhere beyond that most of the time unless there's mutual interest and actual effort involved (some of us understanding/respecting that more/less than others). And, I think a lot of us do tend to enjoy 'performing' to varying degrees, enjoying "the audience's reaction", as you put it. It's fun to feel a little thrill yourself, but it's just as fun to know you've pushed someone else's buttons too

On the other hand, flirting is often understood as the lead-in to more intimate activities, be they sexual or sensual. Though, in my book, it's hard to find satisfaction in one without the other. Sexual intimacy works for me when there's an understanding that it's supported by sensual and emotional intimacy, otherwise it feels...cheap? Not that sex is cheap or that people who just wanna fuck are lesser creatures in any way, it's just rarely something that I crave on its own because it's not the only thing I crave (even when I'm browsing kinks, I almost always gravitate towards things where two people/characters are really into each other). Likewise, while sensual/emotional intimacy is incredibly important to me, I'm wired in such a way that having no sexual intimacy behind it would be like biting into a burger and finding out that it's only buns with nothing in between. Those buns could be some 10/10 bread, but it's just not a burger without everything in between

So, hearing that a lot of this sort of stays 'surface level' for you is certainly interesting. I'm sorry that the one situation you mentioned ended so poorly (especially since feelings are definitely a lot harder to understand and communicate at that age), but that example does beg the question, have you ever looked into what demisexuality entails and do you think you relate to it in any way?

you're totally spot on re: online kink talk/flirting. we're all a bit more open and teasing here than we might be in other contexts. the confidence I've built here has also translated to my encounters offline—I've become kind of a bold flirt lol.

it sounds like sexual, sensual, and emotional intimacy are all tied together for you, which makes sense! (excellent burger analogy.) they're not linked like that for me.

to address your question: I don't identify with demisexuality, because on those rare occasions I've felt some kind of physical attraction to someone, it was immediate. I felt it the day we met, not after developing an emotional bond.

I used to identify as grey-ace, and I think that label makes a lot of sense for me: I experience some kind of physical attraction, albeit rarely, and I'm clearly pretty involved in this sexual kink space, including actively teasing and encouraging folks. I would say I'm sex-neutral: I'm not really interested but I'm not repulsed either.

so why don't I use it anymore? well, that person I mentioned—that was the most I'd ever been attracted to someone. if we were in the same room, I wanted them to be touching me (and when they did touch me, it was like warmth spreading across my whole body and sparking fireworks under my skin). plus, I was totally in love. we shared hobbies and friends and interests, we had deep conversations, we had good banter. and I still had no interest in having sex with them. not even in fantasy did I want it.

which, to me, suggests I straightforwardly do not experience sexual attraction, and the fastest way to communicate that is just to say that I'm ace. are my feelings nuanced and complicated? totally. but a more specific label isn't going to capture those nuances.

[lesbian-ed]

Hi. I don't know if this blog is still active but in case it is I was hoping maybe to hear some thoughts from you, or maybe even your followers, about confidence and comfort towards one's own body. Like how to deal with anxiety. I am lesbian, obviously female, way too old, I've never had sex, or even really dated. I don't approach people romantically because I hate my body and distance myself from all chances for dating. I've been trying to lose weight but I've struggled with obesity practically all my life. I also think I'm much hairier (I mean it's everywhere and I'm not light haired either omg) than what is normal for most women, and I hate both shaving and just letting the hair grow. I have more or less given up on dating because I don't want people to see me naked or get close to me. Sometimes I feel I'm content but sometimes I feel this isn't healthy: it concerns me that my hatred for my body is keeping me from experiencing intimacy, and how long can that go on until it becomes psychologically damaging. Though who am I kidding - the damage's been done. I understand that people of all shapes and sizes etc. date, fall in love and so on, but I have this deep-rooted discomfort about my body that I've felt since I was around twelve. So I was hoping to hear some thoughts or experiences on how one might overcome this kind of persistent disgust, though I understand if this isn't the kind of ask you wanna answer. In any case thank you for reading.

Hi! I'm sorry this ask has been sitting in our inbox for a few months, unfortunately we don't always still have the time or energy to go through the asks anymore. I wanted to answer this, and I know it's so late but here's to hoping you might wander back here someday, and that this may help you, or another woman who feels similary.

I shared this view for a really long time (so much so, I identified as trans for a long time. I never felt "woman enough" because of my body). I struggled with being fat, hairy, "unwomanly".

When I was in school all of my friends got attention from boys and men, and I never peaked anyone's interest. Even though I didn't want to be with boys, I still craved that attention, I thought there was something wrong with me for being someone who no one would ever want. I punished myself with no eating, too much eating, self harm.

For me, what finally clicked was when I was first introduced to radical feminism, and through that I started thinking about the concept of inherent worth. I knew all women had inherent worth for being women, for being alive. I knew I had empathy and care for all women, regardless of thei appearance, and I thought they all deserve respect. That eventually led to the radical realization that if I think all women are worthy, then I must extend this to myself. I am woman, just as any other. And my external appearance doesn't change my self worth.

It really helped to stop seeing what is considered "ugly" as a negative thing, and rather to think of it as neutral, inconseqential, of no value. Instead of looking at all that was "wrong" with me as a bad thing, I took all power from it. I knew that I would never think badly of other women who looked like me, so why would I be the only exception?

Slowly, I was able to take away all the weight I put into my appearance, and became more neutral. Don't get me wrong, I'm not magically healed. There are still days where I'm reminded of all the ways that I don't fit into society's expectations for what a woman should be. I'm reminded of how terrified my mom was and still is that I'd end up staying fat. I'm reminded of aunts and uncles comenting on me losing and gaining weight since I was as young as 6 or 7. I know that being hairy, with dark body hair all over, is not the standard for what's attractive.

But those days have less weight in the grand scheme of things because no longer is my focus in life to be palatable. And I don't mean to come off like I have all the answers, that my way is the only way. I know this is not an easy journey.

But I think in order for you to start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of desire, of love, of care, first you've got to see yourself as human. The more I look back at how people treated me growing up, at how people still treat me now, the truth is that society doesn't see "ugly" women as people. We are dehumanized, objectified as clutter, things in the way of what is "right".

I'm sure you're a kind and nice person. Look at yourself from the outside in, look at yourself as you'd look at someone else: what would you say to yourself then? Would you really think so badly of you then?

Be patience. I understand we have a lot telling us that we are not good enough, that aging is bad, that we have expiration dates. But as long as you are around, you are human, you are worthy of kindness.

Regarding the romantic aspect of this, I used to share your anxiety, that no one would want to look at me naked, that I would never feel comfortable undressing in front of someone. But then I met my girlfriend, and she made me feel so comfortable with myself that when we finally met and the time came to share intimacy... It just happened so organically, so naturally. It wasn't a performance, it was caring for each other. Not once did she look at me with disgust, not once was she anything but kind. I don't think it's just because she's some saint. I think when you care about someone, attraction comes naturally, and you don't separate body and mind. You just know that is your person, and you want them fully.

So maybe slowly working on allowing others to see you for who you are, not physically, but like.... Your personality. Open up. It doesn't need to be going on dating apps. It's just... surround yourself with women. Be around other women, love them, let them love you.

Things move slow, but self care can be just allowing a friend to tell you you're a good person. Accept compliments, even when your instinct is to tell others that they're wrong. Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, there is nothing about the way you look that is inherently wrong.

Posting this here so hopefully we'll hear from others as well, and hopefully you'll catch this one. Take care. Be well. You deserve good things, just because you're human, just because you're there.

[quinkysideblog]

The gender is gendering tonight.

The one thing I know for certain is that it's Not Female. I was a girl, once, a long time ago. I was a little girl who then grew up into a man (but "man" is questionable in itself). I'm am definitely transmasculine, but that's not all. It's hard to be eloquent as it's late and I'm probably going to misuse terms that some people would probably consider common knowledge but I have to be okay with that so I can work some of this out.

It's not agender - there is definitely a gender here. It's not binary but it's also not nonbinary, at least not in the way it's come to be represented in a lot of spaces, as this sort of "third option". It might be some sort of gender fluid? I've been using "genderfucked but from a male starting point" and "genderfag" but those don't feel quite right either.

I recently learned the term "aporagender: a nonbinary gender identity separate from male or female or anything in between while still having a strong and specific gendered feeling" and that resonates *almost* right.

I know gender is a social construct and that social conditioning can play a role in the way I'm gendered and perceived by others but what do I do when my gender isn't *quite* he/him and not *quite* he/they and not *quite* they/them but neopronouns don't feel right either. It's awful hard to maintain a sense of identity when I'm not sure what that identity is.

And another thing!! My gender is also somehow tied to the way I experience attraction. I identified as a sapphic-leaning bisexual for a *lot* of years and the way I am attracted to women/femme-aligned/femme-presenting people *remains feminine in nature*. The way I feel attraction differs depending on the gender(presentation) of the person to whom I am attracted - for example, my attraction to my husband is quite firmly Gay Male Attraction but to, let's say, Rhea Ripley? That's fully a Sapphic feeling, and I know that there are some people out there who use "transmasc sapphic" but that's still not right. I looked for a long time at various versions of genderflux but that's not....quite...it...either.

I'm so frustrated, and I feel really alone. I wish I could be wildly confident in the weirdness and breadth of intrigue I possess; I wish I could be unapologetic about who I am, and I might just land back on "queer" with no further explanations because at its core, I'm neither straight nor cis. I feel like that should (should it?) be enough but it's not and I just want to be weird but also being weird is exhausting.

[aclosetfan]

I like to imagine Buttercup has no shame in wearing a dress because she looks good in one. From formal to sundresses, she could be that one chick that shows off her piercings and wear sandals to show off that one ankle tattoo. I think she's confident enough to dress in a liberated sense going off of the show.

I also like "cover up, Buttercup" because it does show how society could affect even a girl of her caliber. It can mirror how soft and vulnerable she really is. She cares what the people think of her, but it only works, if she's genuinely undesirable.

What I don't like is the "not like other girls" label people sometimes put on her. She is exactly like other girls, except she has power and strength to best her enemies.

It rubs me the wrong way because it's inadvertently saying "She's better without trying" and I don't agree.

"She's ugly, but she has a hot body and a pretty face, and all the guys wanna date her and chase her" And then she doesn't wear a dress because she isn't "girly" enough as if anyone would actually care.

I just want some clarity. If the reason Buttercup is ugly is because she's "tough" then I'm going to need some real "ugly" characteristics to go off of like, shes grown into an actual unlikable bitch, or she's so far removed from societal pressure, she picks her nose and spits in public. Shes gotten ocerweight over the years and lost her physique but can somehow still outtrun a man. Shes extremely annoying and loud and doesnt practice the best hygiene so she smells after gym class. She has scars and bruises all over her face from all the fights shes been in.

Not all of this at once, or hell, do all of it at once!

And, I dont care that people make her attractive. I care that it's overplayed.

Not saying pretty girls don't get flak, nor am I saying you gotta go the whole mile to make her undesirableness realistic. I'm just calling the spade a spade.

Being tough isn't enough for her to feel outcasted when she's a HERO. people worship it, Praise her and love her for her bruteness. And if you give her talents, the only haters are jealous girlies who cannot get on her level.

some guy telling her she isn't enough because she'd punch a man and win, shouldn't be enough to make her throw all her skirts away. 10 guys wouldn't if ten fold are still gonna be up her ass crack anyway.

Buttercup is literally flipping her hair and batting her lashes in the cannon series and people are still trying to give her Bunny's backstory.

Truth is, Buttercups the pretty one too, she's just the pretty one who'd knock a bitchs teeth out. Never stopped those types of women before from being oggled at.

Prime example

lol my response is under the cut because I don't want the post to be too long!

I feel like I've gotten a few ask now that critique stories that focus on the superficial aspects of the girls, like if they're described as "pretty" or "ugly." I'm starting to think that the frustration isn't so much that the girls are described as such but because it's just bad writing (a never-ending complaint I have, haha).

The previous anon also discussed Buttercup being either too feminine or masculine, and I just remembered that I hadn't responded. However, I believe she can be as hyper-masculine or feminine as the person using her character wants them to be. It doesn't matter to me as long as her characterization is consistent. Some people connect with Buttercup because she is the more masculine of the three girls, and that's wonderful and amazing. I love how she's become a character people identify with when they're messing around with their gender presentation.

Beauty and gender are all in the eye of the beholder, so what is ugly to one person can obviously be beautiful to the next. It's bad form then that people often use the word "ugly" when Buttercup is presented as "hyper-masculine." There's nothing ugly about being hypermasculine (and also, while I know you didn't mean it this way in your ask, either is being overweight). However, what's truly ugly is how a person presents themselves. A loud, obnoxious, mean-spirited, "bitchy" nose picker is probably going to be an ugly person like you described.

When writers focus so much on describing what a character looks like, especially characters they're writing fanfiction about, they're describing a "person" who the reader already knows what they look like or has their own idea of what the character should look like. Readers don't need to know how pretty someone is or what dress they're wearing if it doesn't lend to the story you're writing, which is really hard for a lot of amateur writers, like myself, because you can see the scene so clearly in your head and want to write it just that way, but giving readers every. single. detail. is actually doing yourself a disservice. Oftentimes, too much description makes the reader mad because "HEY! NO! they look like [xyz]," and then they click out of the fic.

I stay vague when I describe essential features. Like Bubbles has a dimpled smile, or Buttercup's hair is cut short. Maybe even, "Buttercup put on her favorite green sweater." Small shit like that gives readers a clue but still lets them copy/paste their ideas over mine.

But to make readers know "hey people find this person attractive but she doesn't notice," I practice SHOWING not telling. Like, Buttercup walks into a room, Butch observes all eyes are on her, she doesn't notice the attention because it's the same attention she's always dealt with, and because she doesn't pay attention to it, she comes off aloof or "bitchy" from Butch's perspective. How would Butch know any better? He can't read her mind.

That's why writing in other povs and making the character do things is so much more beneficial to their perceived attractiveness than just flat-out telling a reader "trust me, you'd bone her if you had the chance, she's so hot." You get a chance to establish personalities, relationships, and potential conflicts.

Another example is if you h/c Buttercup wears dresses, no other character is going to react to her wearing them. You state, "Buttercup put on her dress." If you want to specify what kind of dress you say, "it was her most comfortable t-shirt dress. She liked it because it had large pockets." Then, boom, that's it. In these instances, describing her appearance is used to convey her personality traits/motives (she likes to dress comfortably. She has a need for large pockets). You're not saying that Buttercup is a "GIRL WHO LIKES DRESSES BECAUSE SHE'S FEMININE, GOT IT?!? BUT SHE STILL KICKS ASS!!" Instead, you're giving yourself the opportunity to explain she likes to collect rocks (??) while also conveying that she likes wearing clothing that people could perceive as "feminine."

If Buttercup is forced to wear a dress that she doesn't want to wear, now, you have a bit of a story to stretch out. Her wearing a dress is odd. People irl would take notice of it, and therefore, you can make a bigger deal about it.

And if you want to show that she's "not like other girls," which I agree is an annoying trope, but I understand some people want to show "feminity" while still preserving their "masculinity," you can do this at the same time you're developing Buttercup's relationships. Example: It is remarked Blossom and Buttercup are both wearing dresses. Blossom and Buttercup both get their dresses dirty. The scene pans to Blossom being frantic about getting the dirt off, bemoaning her appearance. The scene pans to Buttercup, she is shin-deep in a mud pit, stuffing a particularly large bullfrog into her large dress pockets, next to the cool rocks she found.

A scene like that shows that Buttercup likes wearing dresses, but isn't afraid of dirt, rocks, or frogs, as opposed to Blossom, who may be reacting more "appropriately" to their situation, making it clear Buttercup has other priorities ("isn't like other girls" w/out explicitly saying "I'm not like other girls, I like dresses and dirt.").

You mentioned that you like the idea that she'd be confident wearing a dress. Perfect! If she doesn't do it often, and you want to make a bigger deal out of it, you can be like:

Buttercup clicked her tongue as she picked through her closet, pulling out a black halter top dress Bubbles had made her buy two or so years ago. She examined the short number and grinned. When she tried it on, it was a bit tight around her ass, but her arms looked fantastic.

"You're wearing a dress!?" Bubbles gushed walking into the room as Buttercup checked herself out, "What's the occasion!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Buttercup turned around, flexing her arms and shoulders, and they really did look good in that dress, "I got a new tattoo!"

"Oh cool! Is that a bullfrog?" Bubbles asked leaning in to examine Buttercup's upper shoulder.

"On a cool rock!" Buttercup beamed, standing a little prouder, "Badass, right?"

The dress is important to the story. The writer was able to point out she doesn't wear them often, people are surprised when she wears them, she doesn't mind wearing them, how attractive her arms were, the tattoo, and that her ass stretches out the dress, which some people could also find attractive. It doesn't make her seem vain, conceited, or "better" than others. She just knows she looks good.

I mean, I think it gets the job done, and it isn't just a list of what she looks like.

tldr: Essentially, no matter how masculine or feminine you think Buttercup should present, literally, no one cares what she is wearing if it isn't important to the story.

[burning-thistles-bt]

fuck i mean sure okay i understand maybe but really i’m very sure that if a person is attracted to the same gender and is gay/lesbian you really. cant. w. you cant call yourself a lesbian / a gay man if ur attracted to the opposite gender ,, and keep in mind im lesbian myself so really… I AGREE with you about the certain part where its like they can realize they’re a different gender / sexuality but everything else is a not so much moment , but i realize i cant really change your opinions on things /lh thats just your view on it i suppose , i’m not gonna try and convince otherwise

I totally understand why you believe that as well! By definition, a gay man means "a man attracted to men and not women." That is The Definition and trying to define it as anything else is just undermining the identity. But trying to box in those who identify as gay into One Scenario Only isn't very helpful.

Let's say a gay man dates a non-binary person. They are not a man or woman. Is that okay? Are they still gay? Or are they no longer gay? Do they now have to be bisexual or pansexual?

Some people say they're still gay if the non-binary person appears masculine or was previously a man (see below*). Some people say that's offensive to the non-binary person as they don't identify with masculinity but masculinity is now being forced onto them so that the gay man can remain gay. Whose right?

Now, let's say a gay man becomes attracted to a trans woman. Their appearance is more masculine, whether because they choose to be masculine or because they have not transitioned fully into a more ambiguous or feminine appearance. This is a tricky situation, isn't it? Is the gay man no longer gay because they are technically attracted to a woman---or are they still gay because they were attracted to the masculinity of the woman? And is it okay for the guy to be attracted to the masculinity of a trans woman, or are they transphobic for having those feelings? What's the right answer?

To some, it's easy---he's not gay. Or, he is still gay. To others, like myself, that answer isn't black and white. It depends on the circumstance (is the gay man acting transphobic to the trans woman? is the non-binary person okay with a gay man dating them? is the gay man more attracted to masculine or feminine traits or do the traits not matter? is it more of the "biological" attraction or an emotional attraction?). Not everyone fits into the binary.

I'm not saying that gay men can date a bunch of women and call themselves gay, either. That's not what I'm supporting. I can't emphasize that enough. Hetero men can't genuinely date only women and call themselves "gay" just for queer points. What I'm supporting is the gray area, the rarer occurrences. The "my husband came out as trans and is now my wife. I still love her, but I've never been attracted to women before. What do I do now?" Because Holy Shit, isn't that a hard scenario? You've been confident and happy with your identity for so long, and then suddenly this one thing makes you have to rethink it all. Because here's the facts:

You are attracted to men.

You dated a man.

You married a man.

You love this man.

This man is now a woman but still has the body you love.

They start to transition (if they choose) and their body changes, but you still love them---perhaps the attraction for their body is different, but you still love them. Who they are, how they laugh, how they smile, how they snore, what they stand for, everything.

You are still attracted to other men, and not attracted to women.

You still love your wife.

Are you gay?

This is a scenario where I'm like, yeah, I don't care if you call yourself a gay man still. I understand the implications---other people see a happy man-woman couple and are like, "Uh? What do you mean you're gay, Steve? You have a wife!" And then homophobes point to Steve and Jill and go "Look! That guy says he's gay but he has a wife! You're all just liars and frauds looking for attention!" And that's not very fun for the rest of us who have to defend ourselves from those assholes.

But I don't care about those assholes. I care that Steve and Jill are happy. I care that Steve is okay with who he is and that Jill is okay with who she is.

And then there are the people who say, "But you can't be gay, Steve! You have to be bisexual now! You have to call yourself that, or pansexual, or maybe call yourself demisexual but just for your wife, or have you heard of abrosexual? What about agentosexual? I think that's what you are!" and Steve is just like "I don't know. Can't I just love my wife and that's the end of it? Maybe I'm not gay anymore. I don't know." And these people aren't ill-intentioned. They feel they're just trying to help, or trying to "correct" things. But there isn't always a correct answer, and the more you try to force one, the further away the "correct" answer gets.

Some articles I think are worth a read that go into more on the topic are these:

*‘What happens when you’re in a gay relationship and your partner comes out as non-binary?’ "This experience has highlighted to me more than ever that sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum; they are fluid and ever-changing. Despite my partner being non-binary, I still feel that I identify as a gay man. I still consider myself attracted to masculinity and my partner acknowledges that they are still predominantly male-presenting and have no intention of changing this, I still respect their gender identity and will continue to do so."

‘I wanted to be supportive but I was terrified of losing her’: what happens when your partner comes out as trans? "I didn’t fall in love with a gender, I fell in love with a person," is by far my favorite quote. Though, be warned, the second interviewee is Definitely Transphobic and I don't like them, but the first and third interviews are so sweet, I love them 🥺. But really this whole article is great to really get a wide perspective on how people react to their partners transitioning. "Any couple, whether or not they stay together, is changed by the experience of transitioning," is also a great end note.

What My Partner's Transition Meant For My Sexuality "It became very clear to me that being a lesbian married to a man was in fact not the actual problem. My problem was I could only see in black and white, yes and no. I had entwined my ego, my sense of self, with my lesbian identity. A lesbian shall not be married to a man. A lesbian shall not enjoy sex with a man......I lean on that inspiration when I'm asked, "So, what does his transition mean for you? Are you straight now?" I just answer, "I'm in love.""

Just in general, there's so many ways humans react to this kind of complicated stuff. Some people have a realization of sexuality---they realize that they were always X sexuality, or that they are okay with being X sexuality. Others find themselves able to "adjust" and love their partner(s) regardless of gender, even if the attraction is muddled.

Something I'd also like to mention is that there are fair points on both sides of this argument. I am not solely and utterly right on this topic. There are things that I concede could be my own bias---for one, I've never experienced romantic/sexual attraction myself, so what could I really know about allo experiences?---but I try to research topics before I fling myself into anything. I can see the logic and the reasoning on both sides. And also the other in-between sides. I don't think there's an absolutely right or wrong for this scenario---not right now. Not with how culture and society is right now. But this is the side that I stand with the firmest ground on.

[cazort]

lol do you want a prize for knowing bi people aka people who are attracted to both sexes exist? they're the only ones with the capacity to be sexually 'fluid' and care about 'gender' in their attraction. gay and straight people are exclusively attracted to the same/ opposite sex respectively, no matter what ephemeral gender someone id-s as. my country doesn't have gendered pronouns and guess what none of that idiotic non-binary ideology here lol, everyone's a they! people are just masculine and feminine yet understand that as a sexually dimorphic species we can never detach ourselves from our sex and our bodies. you just believe in some esoteric regressively heterosexist mind-body dualism at this point. ofc people have preferences for masculinity or femininity, but are ultimately attracted to sex as every scientific source will confirm, including those that are trans-inclusive. het aka female-attracted transwomen have neurologically identical brain phenotypes to regular het males, and it's the same with female heteros who id as trans (study by Manzouri & Savic, 2018) meanwhile gay people share the same brain patterns, trans-identified or not. this proves both that sexuality is solely based on sex and that 'transness' or I suppose the mental illness if gender dysphoria isn't neurologically innate as homosexuality evidently is. either objective science which already tried and failed to justify trans innateness is 'transphobic' or trans rhetoric is just anti-scientific and homophobic.

This is such a trash perspective that I almost wanted to just delete it without mention because on some level I think it's not really worth engaging with.

But then I had second thoughts because I realized (a) there is value in letting my followers know that people out there send this kind of stuff in asks (b) I'm confident enough not to let comments like this get to me, but I know that a lot of LGBTQ people are not as confident. So I thought, hey, maybe I could let people know why I think this sort of ask is bullshit.

The one tip-off about this ask is that it has a condescending tone from the start. It's not worth engaging with people who insult you or show contempt, as this ask does. Which is why I'm not talking to the ask, I'm talking to you, my followers. This ask is from someone I don't want to engage with, and don't think it's worth engaging with. If they were a person I knew in person, I would block them or cut them out of my life.

It's important to have diversity of perspectives, and it is valuable to listen to people with different viewpoints from your own, but in our world, with all the people and perspectives out there, there is no need to ever listen to someone who approaches you in a disrespectful or condescending way as this ask does. What makes this ask so condescending? It isn't trying to listen to me or understand me, it's just telling me I'm wrong. Take note, and don't do it, people. Don't treat other this way, and when people treat you this way, don't interact with them.

As for the perspective itself, it's deep in flawed binary reasoning. I know human sex is not a binary because I have close friends who are intersex. I also know science, I have a pretty strong background myself. I read articles like this 2015 one in Nature, which explain the growing scientific consensus that human sex is not a binary.

On top of this, the perspective equates trans identity and experience with mental illness, which is a common right-wing anti-trans talking point, but is not backed by evidence, and which is being rejected by a growing consensus of medical professionals. This is why the DSM has moved away from diagnosing trans identity as a disorder or mental illness, and instead treated gender dysphoria as the disorder or condition, independently of trans identity. For an explanation of the reasoning behind this, check out this 2017 article in Scientific American.

This ask goes even farther though in its nutcase level of reasoning, in a way that makes it look like a bad-faith argument, and this is that it is trying to spin non-binaristic and trans-inclusive or pro-trans viewpoints as "homophobic". This is a play or strategy to try to elicit sympathy and/or guilt-trip people into listening to or caring about the perspective. Like the idea is, because of the solidarity between LGBTQ people with different identities (such as gay and trans), and the strong negative connotation on homophobia in progressive culture, people are sometimes able to bully or guilt-trip people into submission by accusing them as being homophobic by holding whatever view they do. This person is trying to get me to think I'm being homophobic by virtue of acknowledging nonbinary identity or trans identities more broadly, or even the fluidity of sexuality.

A lot of the reasoning in the ask is focusing on things that to me seem largely irrelevant. For example the ask seems to be obsessed with the idea of whether or not sexual orientation or trans identity is "innate", whatever that means, and it seems to assume that sexuality is "innate" but gender identity is not. Not only does this perspective not mesh with the wide range of scientific research I've read on this topic, but it also seems largely irrelevant. Whether or not something is innate vs. learned or culturally influenced or socially constructed, does not say anything about whether or not it is real, nor about whether or not it is easy to change. There are a lot of things that are not innate but rather, I learned from my environment, like my accent and mannerisms when speaking, that are pretty much impossible for me to change (unless I'm learning a new accent to do as an imitation, I can never do it as a native speaker could.) Even if someone proved that trans identity and gender identity were culturally constructed, they wouldn't be any less real, nor would sexuality if someone showed that it was culturally constructed. But also, these viewpoints seem wrong, particularly, the way the ask frames this as a strictly binary thing, like they are either "innate" or not. It seems obvious to me that both sexuality and gender identity are influenced by multiple factors, and that for some people, they may be largely or mostly innate, whereas for others they may be more culturally influenced or socially constructed, and that for most people, there are going to be influences of both. This nuance would be obvious to any mentally healthy person who had lived in the world a sufficient amount of time and just observed people, listened, and learned. And this is one of many reasons I think the ask here is putting forth a trash perspective that isn't worth engaging with.

Lastly, this ask also seems to be really deep in a specific strawman argument that is quite bizarre. Like the premise of the ask seems to be that I somehow believe that gay or straight people are attracted to people on the basis of non-observed "gender identity" of others, which they may or may not be expressing openly. This is silly. I have never made such a claim, and I never would. I'm well aware that gay and straight people tend to be attracted to physical sex characteristics and that these don't necessarily correspond to a person's gender identity. I've never gotten into stupid arguments with people about whether or not someone qualifies as "gay" or "straight" if they are attracted to a non-transitioned, closeted trans person who presents as their birth gender.

And on top of that the post also references mind-body dualism, which is something else I reject.

I don't know what is going on here. Perhaps the person behind this ask wrongly assumed that I must hold some sort of unreasonable viewpoints, just because I am trans and nonbinary and have a more complex or fluid view of gender and sexuality. Or perhaps the person didn't assume that but is just writing the ask in bad faith, trying to use this argument to make me look bad or unreasonable, or trying to appeal to things that it's obvious I care about or believe in, in an attempt to guilt-trip me or make my own views seem unreasonable or flawed. Who knows? I don't know, and I don't need to know, nor do you.

Just know that people out there send asks like this, and that they're bullshit, and educate yourself so that you don't let them get to you at all. And if any of you followers want to talk about any of this stuff, please feel free to message me. I am friendly and I am always here to chat, I love talking about gender identity and sexuality and I love answering questions that are written respectfully and in good faith, and I love supporting people, even people who may hold views different from my own.

I care about all people and I especially care about any LGBTQ people who get asks like this and may feel self-doubt in response to them. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you need a sense of perspective on this stuff and you want someone who will listen to you and help you to sort through the bad logic and negativity and clarify what you really believe about this stuff.

[abishekmuses]

Sorting It Out Inside

Ok so you want to write online and use it to become rich - of all the people online (millions probably), why do you think you need to do this? what I'm asking is - why does the world need one more guy writing stuff on the internet? I think I have a unique viewpoint - my experiences, background put me in a unique perspective. Hmm what do I mean by that? I guess the sheer contrasts that my life embodies - I've always been identified as smart - and yet I've made life choices that are run-of-the-mill, classic idiot-choices. I was born in a lower middle class household in South India and through a series of scarcely believable life events, I made friends all over the world, speak with a clipped accent and now, work for a Norwegian company. I make more money than most people in my country dream of making and yet for most of the last 3-4 years, my experience has largely been that of low grade anxiety, fear about my future, hedonism, fatigue, drug-use, escapism, bouts of mania followed by shame and self-doubt - well you get it. I'm being a little too harsh on myself - there were moments of bliss, joy, satisfaction, adventure, learning etc as well but that only serves to emphasise the point I'm trying to make about the contrasts.

I am particularly prone, as an individual, to delusion, distraction, solipsism, dissociation and fantasy. I have a mind that is extremely suggestible, albeit quick and flexible - I suffer from a lack of context and perspective. Recently, thanks in no small part due to my commitment to yoga and my decision to stop trying to have my way with life (in this kind of forceful, anxiety provoking manner), I have found some space within myself - a space that helps me notice my behaviour patterns, emotional triggers, violent biochemical responses etc without being taken in by them .

This has allowed to me to institute a modicum of sanity in my life - it is precisely that modicum of sanity that is even allowing me to perform this very exercise of self-indulgent pontification - I would have probably been staring at a youtube video otherwise.

Back to the contrasts,

I used to be a devout Hindu growing up. Gave it up because it wasn't fashionable enough - became a reductionist, hardcore atheist. Tripped on a bunch of drugs that blew my whole model of reality to smithereens and was left having to pick up the stray pieces of my psyche for years - discovering "spirituality" and yoga in the process. For the lack of simple terms to describe it, let's say my models of reality are a LOT more fluid now than they used to be. I pray but I don't know to whom. I bow down in reverence and awe on practically a daily basis. I shed tears of gratitude very often and do yoga sadhana practically every day. Again, just saying this to highlight the abundance of perspectives I've inhabited and the contrasts that I've been able to experience and live out. I am often called "confident" and "courageous" - not entirely untrue assessments either - I can talk to strangers with absolute ease and have no problems but I also know it to be true that I'm a very fearful, self-doubting, anxious, people pleasing, attention seeking person. Another contrast that I'm making more sense of as I go along. I have experienced profoundly rapturous states that, by themselves, justify the enterprise of living on earth. I have experienced desolation that felt permanent and immutable. I am familiar with the ways of Ancient India (not as dry philosophy; as a living tradition with continuity and soul) and have partied with the best of them in Europe. I've had foursomes and I've slept with beautiful women. I've made desperate and ungainly attempts at sexual gratification resulting in embarrassing rejections and soul crushing vortices of self-hate and shame. I've imposed myself on girls sexually and doubted my attractiveness a million times.

I've inspired people, repulsed people, supported people, destroyed people's emotional equanimity, taught people, learned from people, betrayed people, cried for people, cried over people, cried with people, laughed and danced and sang on the streets, done drugs with strangers and sang hymns from the Vedas.

I think I can write on the internet and make myself a good living while offering something of value to those struggling with the same ills that I did (and probably still do).

The world is evolving rapidly and we are being confronted with some pretty new problems - kids apparently are losing their shit mentally - and it's because of too much phone-time and not enough social interaction, apparently.

I want to use my experience to be a voice of comfort, guidance and awakening, if I can. If i'm being presumptuous in this assessment, reality will duly give me a check in the near future.

Ok I think I'll go to sleep now.

[leconcombrerit]

Happy pride month to all ! With a special heads up for my fellow aro-ace folks, we rule too !

Funny story, but a few years ago I identified as bi. I always wondered if I was "bi enough" though (I was), cause I needed to have a strong emotional connection to be attracted to women, but not for men. It was all very confusing and I wasn't 100% comfortable. The biphobia and "what no you're probably gay or straight you don't know it yet ;)" was horrible too. Please don't do that.

Turned out the idea of romance and sex was all well and good but that the second I applied it to myself, it got extremely uncomfortable. Like really. I tried to date, cause I liked that guy -but in the end it wasn't the same 'like' or 'attraction' as what most of my friends experienced. And it did not translate to kissing or hand holding, I still hated hugs with a passion, but I forced myself. Constantly wondering how to act, what I should do, etc. I already have anxiety and occasional panic attacks, well guess what, it got even stronger. Yay.

All the 'just do what you want and be yourself' didn't help, and made me grow distant instead. I sabotaged every romantic relationship because, surprise ! I didn't want them, no matter how much I thought I did. I hurt people. I was sorry. I didn't know what was wrong. I avoided being touched cause I knew where that led and 'meh no nope', unless I was tipsy enough not to care. And I'm so very happy that I don't feel like I have to do all this anymore.

We're fed romance and sex being the end all be all of life through fiction, all the damn time, and that's... That's okay actually, I love to read about romance and attraction. But please always try to keep in a corner of your mind that you're not missing out, or missing anything in yourself either. Don't listen to all the assholes asking you why you're still single. You're doing great. Don't force things. And maybe one day it will change, or maybe not, fluidity and all that -but there's NO need to wait for it or wish for it.

Keep being you and keep being confident ! Here, throwing a half-burnt cookie batch your way. ❤️

[annabellelupin]

Aroace Remus headcanons <3

Note: This is based on a queer headcanon promt for aroace Remus, and in this he uses He/they pronouns and is a cupioromantic and polyaffectionate (maybe bi oriented aroace as well but you all can decide upon that for yourselves). In summary, this is just aroace Remus wanting a relationship and getting advice from Regulus. I really enjoyed writing this as well as addressing the arospec struggle of wanting an intimate relationship but not having romantic attraction at all or often (honestly this isn't talked about enough). If you all have any queer headcanon prompt ideas feel free to let me know and also I am not proof reading this :)

Remus had known for a while that he was aroace, and was perfectly fine with it too. He was definitely really confident in their identity and all of his friends were really supportive too

They were proud to identify as aroace even if a lot of people disliked it

They still had close relationships with others- just not romantically of course. He had Sirius and Lily, two people they felt very close with and knew he could trust with almost anything. They were his closest friends and he cared for them a lot

Usually he'd be fine with the idea of not being in a relationship with someone else, but other times the idea of never having a partner upset them

He wanted to be really close to someone like that, to have someone to go to for emotional support, kisses and cuddles, and even just have someone that cares about them deeply

The thought of never being able to have that with someone else saddened him

They wondered why he couldn't simply do those things with friends, and why it always seemed like they were something only romantic partners could do

I mean why couldn't you cuddle with your closest friends and rant to them when you're mad or live with them in a little cottage together and just spend your days with them and it still be platonic?

Eventually Remus decided to talk about how he felt with a friend of theirs that was also aroacespec

Regulus is an asexual demiromantic, and doesn't exactly have romantic attraction often since he usually doesn't get very close to people. They've known for quite a while that he was aroacespec and Remus figured that they might be able to give him some advice

"My problem is I do want to be in a relationship but I'm aroace and don't have romantic attraction to people." Remus wasn't even sure if that made sense. I mean weren't aroace people supposed to dislike the idea of relationships like that?

"So you're a cupioromantic?" Regulus asked him. They honestly weren't really sure about what it actually meant.

"What does that mean?"

"It's like the aromantic version of cupiosexual. It means you don't have romantic attraction but would like to be in a romantic relationship."

"That's a thing?!" It never really occurred to him that other aroace people might feel that way too. Maybe they were a cupioromantic

"Yep, plenty of arospec people want relationships and are cupio. That's part of the reason why queer platonic relationships are a thing. I'm actually in one myself."

"A queer platonic- what?"

"A queer platonic relationship. It's a relationship that's not quite a platonic friendship but not exactly a romantic relationship either. They're very open and broad and each couple can really set whatever boundaries and rules they want for themselves. For example, my partner and I cuddle and spend a fair amount of time with one another, and care about each other a lot, but aren't exactly romantically attracted to each other. These types of things can really vary for different people. Some enjoy doing sexual things with their partners, while some don't even like physical affection like kissing. Queer platonic relationships allow people to have what some call "platonic partners" and have a relationship with them."

Remus really had to think about that for a minute. So he could have a relationship with someone even if they're aroace. He really liked liked the idea of QPRs even with what little they knew about them, and honestly, he kind of wanted one.

"How do you know if you like someone in that way?"

"Once again, it can just depend on the person. For me, I knew I really enjoyed my partner's company and wanted to do typically romantic things with them. And for them, they knew they're really liked me, but in more of a platonic way than a romantic one."

Remus immediately thought of Sirius and Lily. Perhaps he liked them like that. I mean, they do really love their company and always feels safe around them. Not to mention he absolutely loved the idea of living with them and spending a lot of time with them

"Well what if I wanted to be in a relationship like that with someone? Would they have to be arospec too? And how would I even ask them to be my partner?"

"I mean if you want to be in a qpr just find a person that you'd like to be partners with I guess. And no, not necessarily. Plenty of people in qprs are arospec and aspec but that definitely doesn't mean they have to be. I mean, I'm a demiromantic and can have romantic attraction and I'm in one. And all you really have to do is ask like you would with a romantic relationship and make sure they have a clear understanding of what they're getting themself into"

Now Remus had another question in mind. Could they have more than one qpp? I mean he did think of both Lily and Sirius when considering potential partners, but would they be able to a qpr with both of them?

"Is there by any chance I could have more than one queer platonic partner?"

"If you want to and both of your partners are comfortable with it, then yes. I mean my partner is polyaffectionate and has another platonic partner other than myself. We're all three fine with it and have boundaries set and we're all comfortable with it."

"And polyaffectionate means?"

"It's kind of like the queer platonic version of polyamorous. People who are polyam sometimes want multiple different romantic relationships and can have attraction to multiple people at once, while polyaffectionate people want multiple intimate platonic relationships like queer platonic ones and can like multiple people like that,"

Remus spent the next few weeks thinking about what Regulus had told him. They questioned whether they were polyaffectionate or not and eventually came to the conclusion that he was both aroace and polyaffectionate. Both labels fit him well and they enjoyed knowing that he wasn't the only person that felt this way.

He finally decided to stop putting off something they had been wanting to do for the last week or so. He was going to come out as polyaffectionate to Lily and Sirius and ask them to be in a queer platonic relationship with them

Coming out was the easy part, he knew their friends would love and accept him no matter what. Asking them to be their queer platonic partners on the otherhand was not something they were looking forward to. He worried they wouldn't take the idea seriously and would assume he wanted to be with them romantically and weren't actually aroace

One evening he found them talking in the Gryffindor common room and asked if they could talk to them privately. Of course they agreed and the three of them decided to talk under a tall tree out on the grounds

"I have something to tell you guys," Lily and Sirius could tell Remus was pretty nervous, and both tried ro sound calm and caring

"You can tell us anything Rem," Sirius assured him

"Yep" Lily grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, trying to comfort him a bit

"I- I'm polyaffectionate. I mean I'm still aroace too but I want to be in queer platonic relationships and want to have more than just one of them."

"Oh I've heard of that before. That's really cool Remus," Lily gave them a little hug and then Sirius did the same.

"Thanks for telling us Rem," Now that was out of the way. Time for the more difficult part

"I also wanted to ask you both something," They both gave him a little nod, encouraging them to continue

"I was wanting to know if maybe you guys would like to be in a queer platonic relationship with me? I mean of course only if you two are both comfortable with it and stuff."

"Of course! Well at least I do. I mean we've pretty much been in one for years anyways Moony." Remus was really surprised to hear Sirius say that.

"I'd like to too, but only if James is comfortable with it since we're dating now. I don't see why he wouldn't though since we're both polyam." Lily smiled at him and Remus started to to tear up

"Really? I didn't think you two would want to."

"Well we do." Sirius grabs one of his hands and Lily grabs the other.

They walk back to the Gryffindor common together and ask James if he's comfortable with it, and of course he is

Then Remus becomes partners with Lily and Sirius and they're all super happy and after Hogwarts they buy a little cottage and all live together (with James ofc) and live happily ever after the end

[yesttoheaven]

AMOR FATI

pairing – neil x female!reader

wc – 3.8k

warnings – mention of death, self-blame, anxious/intrusive thoughts, questioning reality, refusal of help, guns, stalking, but I swear there's a light at the end of the tunnel haha

a/n – The last time I suffered so hard for the death of a character, was when Newt died (Maze Runner) and now Neil has captured all my attention and his death has hit me in the same way 😩 I needed a happy ending so I decided to write this!

The Eternal Return and Amor Fati mentioned in this fic are one of the main ideas of Nietzsche's philosophy.

English is not my first language. I am getting help from google translator and he is not always a good ally, so I apologize for any typos or grammar errors.

Y/N – your name

She approached the painting hanging on the wall, watching the details closely. Ouroboros. A serpent eating its own tail. Months ago, when Y/N was visiting an antique store in Mumbai, she saw that same symbol. The owner of the establishment approached when she realized her interest in the piece and explained that Ouroboros represents the ideas of movement, continuity and, in consequence, Eternal Return. A concept that the universe and all existence and energy has been recurring, and will continue to recur, in a self-similar form an infinite number of times across infinite time or space.

"Max finally fell asleep." Kat returned to the living room, attracting Y/N's attention.

She walked away from the painting, taking back her seat on the sofa and asked:

"How is he after everything that happened?"

For a moment, Kat looked at the painting on the wall and then at the friend she won in the midst of confusion over the Algorithm. At that time, despite being fighting on the front lines to prevent a possible Third World War, Y/N seems complete. Happy. Today that happiness no longer exists in her eyes.

Letting out a sigh, the woman sat next to her, answering:

"Sator was never a present father. He was always busy... now i can see the kind of work he was involved in. Anyway, Max just got used to his absence."

"It's notable that he's happier at your side. When we first met Max was a bit of an introvert, but today he is radiant." Y/N confessed, showing a small smile and the blonde shook her head, agreeing with her words. "How's everything?"

"Perfectly well. It's weird sometimes... After years of being stuck in a failed relationship, freedom is good."

"It seems like life is good for one of us." The woman let out a bitter laugh, putting the latest events on a scale, but she didn’t want her friend to think she wasn’t happy for her. She really was. "I'm sorry, I just..." The words remain stuck in her throat, while she covers her face with her hands. In addition to physical and mental fatigue, Y/N tried to hide her grief.

Kat touched her shoulder, showing that she was here.

"I know you're hurt, but it's been three months and you never talked about what happened that day... This is not good for you."

"What do I have to say, Kat? The guy I fell in love with was a fucking time traveler! And now he's dead and I don't know what to do. My life just... stopped without him."

"I can imagine how difficult it's for you to cross that line without Neil at your side, but giving up is not an option. Grief is consuming you little by little and you are just accepting it..."

"We are trained to contain our emotions and deal with death in the best possible way. It used to be easy for me, but then he came and turned my life upside down." Y/N put her hands on her knees and stood up, walking without an exact destination. "Neil was always one step ahead of us all..." She stepped forward too and found the painting again, but her mind was lost in thoughts about him. Neil knew her so well. And he had a charming smile, but completely arrogant at the same time. "I was sent to Mumbai to help two agents and when I arrived at Priya's penthouse that night, there he was. When he saw me, that was the first and only time that he let his guard down. I'll never forget how he looked at me, it was one of those breathtaking moments... Completely cliché, I know."

On the sofa, Kat was impressed. When Y/N turned towards her, there was a bright smile on her face. The simple memory brought her a breath of happiness and Kat enjoyed seeing her friend like that, but unfortunately that moment did not last long. Memories aren't enough. Neil is dead and nothing can change that.

"I miss him so much, Kat." The smile disappeared as soon as tears appeared in her eyes, cascading down her cheeks.

"My dear..." Worried about her, the woman got up quickly and approached Y/N, wrapping her in a tight hug. "I'm really sorry."

"I spent the last three months locked up in my a-apartment because I thought I could handle this situation on my own. At times I b-believed it was just a fever dream... Maybe I was losing my mind, but this is proof that everything was real." Through tears blurring her vision, she looked at the watch on her wrist, remembering that night.

Y/N was in a private cabin on the ship. The others were with Ives and Wheeler, going over the mission in search of any loose ends. A standard procedure. Y/N knew she should be with them, but she needed a moment alone to organize her thoughts. And that moment is now. The past few weeks had been a real mess. The inversion was difficult to explain and mainly to understand. She was used to field missions, but being an inverted soldier on the battlefield was not in her plans. Either way, she agreed to be a part of it and running away with biased assumptions was not going to help. Humanity depends on them.

Three knocking on the door caught Y/N's attention, but she remained silent, waiting for the person to give up and leave, but when it didn't, she just murmured 'Come in'.

"So, here you are." The man used a surprised tone of voice and closed the door behind him. "What will our superior think when he learns that you are running away from the briefing?"

She let out a laugh before answering in the same mood:

"Don't worry, I know this mission like the back of my hand. I just needed a moment."

"There's something wrong? Are you ok?" Neil spilled the questions quickly, visibly concerned for her.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Neil." Y/N smiled at him, but looked away just seconds later, confessing: "Maybe I'm a little surprised by the situation. I have spent years dealing with terrorists, but the inversion is really not my point."

"I'm not good with advice, but someone once said to me: Don't try to understand. Certain things in the world do not need an explanation."

"It's wise advice, but I'm a methodical person. Logic has always been my ally in missions."

"A methodical person, huh?" He asked with an arrogant smile playing on his lips and she just rolled her eyes. "I know how worried you were when Sator shot Kat, but we are using the inversion to save the world and you're one of the most brilliant agents I have ever seen. Everything will be fine."

"Are you praising me?"

"What's that? Can't I praise my partner's talent?" Neil pulled up a chair to sit across from her, crossing his arms.

"In that case, thank you. Remind me to put this on my resume." Those words made him laugh and that sound could easily be compared to music in her ears.

Touching her knee, Neil added:

"We are very confident with the mission. You don't need to worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I cannot say that unforeseen events do not happen, but we are prepared for that." Y/N knew he was right, but this mission is the biggest one so far. It's not about saving a country. It's about saving the entire world. This was arousing insecurities in her and it was like walking in a minefield. Ironically, she was familiar with this, but not in such catastrophic proportions. "I want you to have this." The man took his watch off his wrist and handed it to her.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" The question came out as a whisper from between her lips.

It didn't make sense. Why does everything in this conversation look like a farewell?

"We will be on opposite sides tomorrow, but i want you to know... I will always be with you, Y/N."

"I saw the way he looked at you... That's how I used to look at Sator before he became a monster in my life." Kat started, running a hand through Y/N's hair. "When I was lying on that stretcher and partially drugged with the medicines, I saw him beside you... watching you sleep. There was so much love in his eyes. Love for a lifetime, Y/N. So don't do this to yourself. The way he left hurt us all, but there was nothing you or any other agent could do to change what happened at Stalask-12. Neil saved the world. This gave us a second chance. You cannot give up now. This organization needs you. And keeping your mind busy at that moment is the first step towards a fresh start."

"N-No, I can't..." She broke the hug, shaking her head in denial. "I left the organization."

"What? Don't you work for Tenet anymore? But when we first met you told me that you can't imagine working in another area... And that this is your life's work."

"Being an agent is my life's work. I was in Yemen when Tenet found me and assigned me to this mission. My only job is to make this world a less hostile place, but the motto of this organization is not what I believe, Kat. What's happened's happened. Really? It doesn't work for me." Y/N ended the sentence with drops of anger in her voice and Kat did not say a single word.

Through the newspapers, Max's mother followed what was happening in Yemen over the years – a real endless war – and knowing that Y/N was in the middle of it, makes the situation unquestionable. People died in front of her eyes. Friends of the corporation. And then some time later, Tenet arrived with a fresh start, but in the end everything remained the same. She lost Neil. It is as if her life's work never had a happy ending because the world will never stop being a hostile place.

"He knows?" It was easy for Y/N to identify who she was talking about. The Protagonist. Or just TP.

"Here's another problem. I worked with him and indirectly worked for him at the same time! God, that man created this organization! And his name remains a mystery to us all!" She pinched the tip of her nose, feeling frustrated with all the secrets that haunt this organization. "And answering your question, yes, he knows, but he did not argue about it. I was a complete mess and he was not doing very well either... He stayed in my apartment for the first month, probably to make sure I didn't do anything stupid." And Y/N would be forever grateful for that. She likes him. Just as friends, of course. TP was a reserved man, but it was he who held her when everything was falling apart. "But we've had a fight. I blamed him for what happened at Stalask-12 and since then we haven't spoken anymore."

It was easy to see that they carried more pain than they could actually bear. Y/N lost her great love and the man lost his best friend. The situation just turned into a conflict between them and that was the result.

Realizing the sadness reflected in Y/N's eyes, Kat decided to change the subject of the conversation. Keeping that thought, she smiled and pointed to the painting on the wall. Maybe that could help.

"You seemed interested in this one."

"Oh yes, in my spare time I am a lover of art and its meanings. It is really attractive the way Ouroboros is connected to the Eternal Return..."

"And Amor Fati too." Kat completed, piquing Y/N's curiosity. This part was new to her. "It's impossible to affirm the Eternal Return without loving life. We need to learn that things happen as they do. Sometimes seemingly good. Sometimes seemingly bad. We don’t always get it our way... Unless we choose that whatever way it is, is our way. When we choose to Amor Fati, to love everything that happens, to love our fate, then we will always get it our way. Because the way it is, is the way it is. Unchangable. And therefore it must be good, even if it sucks."

These words touched Y/N's heart. This was a contradiction to what she is experiencing right now. Love your fate. She would like to understand and accept what happened, she really wanted, but why is it so difficult to move on?

Because Neil is dead.

That was the only explanation for her. The end of a relationship would be more acceptable. If he were alive, things would be completely different now. However, grief is overwhelming. How could she just accept what happened?

"I... I gotta go." That was all she managed to say before picking up her bag and leave the penthouse, ignoring Kat's protests.

When the elevator doors closed, an exhausted sigh left her mouth and the instant she saw her reflection in the mirror, Y/N wanted to cry again. After three months alone, she thought visiting her friend would be a good idea. Kat was willing to help, but the problem was that Y/N is not allowing herself to be helped. As soon as the doors opened, she left the metal box and found the hotel lobby partially empty. Her watch showed it was 3:13 AM, this explains the absence of people on the street as well. In front of her car, she searched the bag for the key and coincidentally her cell phone started to vibrate. Probably the text messages were from Kat, but confusion hit Y/N the instant she looked at the identifier and saw that the messages did not belong to any of her contacts.

Stay away from the car

They put a bomb

I'm on my way

Her first reaction was to take a few steps back and look around, trying to understand what’s going on and find the person responsible for these texts, but Y/N was alone in the dark street. When she thought it might be an unnecessary prank, a black SUV approached at high speed. The car stopped just a few meters away from where she was, but that was enough to make her body freeze.

"Y/N, come on!" The man exclaimed, the urgency in his voice would have made her run immediately, but she didn't move. Her feet had frozen on the floor. This cannot be real. "Come on, get in the car! We don't have much time!" He tried again, it was possible to hear the sound of the other cars approaching.

Y/N watched in slow motion the moment he left the car and ran towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"How is this possible?" She asked in a whisper, completely lost in his blue eyes.

"It's good to see you too." Neil admitted, feeling his heart race. She looked so fragile in his arms. Very different from the last time he saw her. "We have to go." He accompanied her to the car and as soon as Y/N took the passenger seat, he returned to his seat.

For her this moment was like a fever dream, so she just looked down and started counting her fingers. One, two, three, four, five... Neil noticed, but said nothing, just kept driving. The cars were fast approaching, but he would do everything possible and impossible to get Y/N away from these people.

"Give me your cell phone." He looked at her for a brief moment, but when Y/N didn’t react, he wasn't sure if she heard it, so he just took the phone from her hand and threw it out the window. That was enough to get her out of the numbness:

"What the fuck, Neil?!"

Despite the adrenaline rushing through his body, the man laughed.

"If I found you because of your cell phone, they can too." After that, he crossed the red light and made a risky turn, trying to end this chase. "Before you ask, no, this is not a dream. Unfortunately this is very real..." Neil didn't like what he saw when he adjusted the rearview mirror. "And now they are getting ready to shoot us."

That observation put Y/N on alert and she looked back, seeing a man with an AKS-74U and another with a Beretta M12.

"If you knew it wasn't a dream, why didn't you bring an armored car?" She ran her tongue between her lips, smiling at the man beside her. Neil tried to argue, but she just took off her seat belt and picked up the Glock 19 stuck in the vest he was wearing.

Y/N crawled out of the car and sat at the window opening. This encouraged the men in the two cars to start shooting, trying desperately to hit her. Neil shouted something that she couldn't understand and then she felt one of his hands on her thigh, giving her stability to continue with the plan. With her arm resting on the roof of the vehicle, Y/N aimed the gun at the car that was closest to them. Her intention was not to start a firefight in the middle of one of the main avenues in the city, but she had no other option. Holding her breath, she fired the first shot and the bullet hit the tire, taking the car out of circulation. Y/N celebrated while preparing for the second car, but dealing with this one was not an easy task. Now they were in a tunnel and, consequently, losing speed because of the other cars that came along the way. Neil left two pats on her leg, indicating that she had better get back in the car and that is what she did. Screams, honks and gunshots echoed through the tunnel, turning the place into a war zone. Whoever these men were, Y/N knew they weren't going to give up.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, she went to the back seat, getting on her knees. Through the broken glass above the trunk, Y/N adjusted the aim of her gun, ignoring the sniper and focusing on the driver. With another accurate shot, the bullet hit the man's chest and he lost control of the vehicle. The car overturned for a while, streaking the asphalt, but no other car was involved in the accident. Y/N sighed in relief and looked for another possible threat, just checking, but when she realized that the area was clean, she returned to the passenger seat, leaving the gun on the dashboard in front of her.

"Next time I'm going to get an armored car." Neil comments, stepping on the gas. "Nice shot, by the way."

"Anytime." Y/N smiled, trying to control her breathing.

With the adrenaline disappearing from her body, it was hard for her to believe that this was really happening. For many nights she cried, wondering what it would be like if Neil just came back to her, but now she was afraid to wake up and realize that it was just another vivid dream.

The sun was rising when they arrived in a shed away from the city. Seen from the outside, the place was a little scary, but the interior wasn't that bad. There was some equipment like trackers, walkie-talkie, bulletproof vests, weapons, ammunition; a table with a mess of papers and on the other side two beds and something that Y/N supposed to be a private bathroom.

"Where we are?"

We. That simple word echoed in her mind. Y/N thought that "we" didn't exist anymore.

"For now in a safe place. It's dangerous for you out there." He answered the question and took a bottle of water, handing it to her after taking a generous sip.

"Who are these people, Neil?" She wanted answers, lots of answers, and that frustrated the british spy because for the first time he didn't know what could happen.

Neil had a mission and that mission ended with him dying in Stalask-12, but after what TP did, everything changed.

"We have a name..." He wanted to say more, he wanted to reassure her, but that was all he had at the moment.

Y/N drank some water and left the bottle on the table, looking at some reports and photos. All photos were of the same man.

Lenard Vaher

"But apparently they don't just want you..."

It took a few seconds and when the realization hit Y/N, concern appeared on her face.

No, not him.

"Where's TP? He's safe, right?"

"He was going to see you when Lenard's men kidnapped him. This happened three weeks ago." And considering the anger in Neil's voice, finding TP was proving an almost impossible task, but in the midst of so much concern, one point attracted Y/N's attention.

"You said he was going to see me..."

"There was something he needed to tell you." Neil sighed, resting his hands on the table. A few strands of blond hair fell over his forehead, but he quickly shook his head back, as he always did. "He returned to Stalask-12, Y/N."

After that statement, the only sound that could be heard was Neil's footsteps closing the distance between them and the first thing she did was put her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. Neil smiled. And that was not one of his famous smiles. That was a shy smile. His heart was beating like a drum and it was all because of her. Loving Y/N was something so special and pure, that Neil accepted his fate without a second thought. Saving the world, he was giving her a second chance to live, but now he is the one who received a second chance.

"I missed you every day." Before she could begin to consider the meaning behind his words, he settled his mouth upon hers, robbing her of thought.

She closed her eyes and melted against him, flattening her hands on his arms. Neil caught her bottom lip in his teeth, nibbling and licking at it until she thought she might perish from the intensity of the feeling. She whimpered at the sensation, and he rewarded the sound by deepening the kiss, giving her everything she desired. His tongue stroked hers, slow and insistent. A lush, decadent pleasure unfolded within them, snaking through their veins as though it had lain coiled in anticipation for years.

Just waiting for this moment.

––––––––––––––––––––––––

a/n – really hope you enjoy it and thank you soooo much for reading ;)