#and im attracted to other butches or transmasc who also identify as that

[butchcharliee]

.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "feeding my ex's internalised transphobia" by refusing to date a man as a lesbian? TW for internalised transphobia, mentions of rape and SA

TLDR: i am a lesbian. my teenage partner was sexually abusive to me for a year, mostly through enforced sexist rp scenarios. now, they are out as non-binary and accuse me of misandry and transandrophobia because i once told them i would not date a man regardless of his agab

I (NB20) started dating my ex (NB23) when i was 15. I was always openly a lesbian. When we met a year before we started dating, they identified as a butch. Throughout our relationship they explored their gender identity more, toying with the idea of being vaguely transmasc. I never had a problem with it; i enjoyed being in a butch/femme relationship and honouring their masculinity as much as I could.

For context, I am a very outspoken hardcore feminist; I don't like to generalise and i have a lot of love for the men in my life, but I have also made a couple of "kill all cishet men" jokes at a safe setting, with people who know exactly where I actually stand. I don't hate men, I just don't find them attractive and think they should be raised better. One day, they asked me if i would still be attracted to them if they fully transitioned and started living as a man. I told them I wouldn't; in my head, being butch/masc is extremely different to being a man, and I appreciated their presentation as a part of them being a lesbian (gender expression =/= gender identity, after all). They assured me that this was just a hypothetical question and just them being curious about my boundaries and limits, ended the conversation, and never brought it up again. My ex was very into roleplay during sex, and I was on board with it initially. After a while, however, the scenes they wanted to act out began to get extremely degrading, bordering on abusive, where they were embodying a man in a position of power (something that i was extremely uncomfortable with), while I was a vulnerable woman (usually a sex worker) getting degraded or even raped. Although I was deeply disturbed by some of the things we did, I was a child at the time, they were my first and i wasn't theirs. I wasn't ready to have sex yet and didn't know how to defend myself. Even when I tried to set a boundary, they would press on and claim it was their way of processing trauma, and that I was manipulative for attempting to withhold that from them. Eventually, with the help of a therapist and my family I ended things between us. I dreaded talking to or about them to anyone and mostly kept quiet about it all. Back to the present day, one of my old mutuals found my new account and texted me. They told me that my ex was posting about me, and that I should be ashamed of myself if what they said was true. I gathered up enough courage to view the posts myself. Their story is very different from what I remember. They claim I was being a misandrist and by extension transandriphobic (in their words, my distaste for the behaviour of cishet men was very damaging for masc people. it is weird, because healthy expressions of masculinity are the last thing i would judge a man for). They also claimed I made their internalised transphobia worse by refusing to date them if they transitioned. I have moved on with my life, but now other people are mixed in and im honestly at a loss. I never forced them to be someone they weren't with me. I never shamed them for their masculinity or discouraged them from exploring their identity, I just stated that dating a trans man wouldn't agree with my sexuality. A healthy response would be to be honest with me, and give me the right to decide for myself whether i would stay with them through their transition or only be able to support them as a friend. They could even just leave without justifying anything.

I don't know. Maybe my trauma is blinding me, but I keep going over the memories in my head trying to figure out how I might be the one behind all that hatred and violence. I don't want to be unfair to them, even if it's just in my own mind, so I'm just speaking up about it for the first time in my life through an AITA tumblr post. Any advice or insight is appreciated.

What are these acronyms?

[farmerlesbian]

hi farmer lesbian!

so ive identified as bisexual for a long time but ive discovered recently i feel very comfortable within the lesbian ideas of gender and specifically the butchfemme community. i’ve been dating someone recently who also identified as bisexual but has related to transmasc lesbians understanding of gender as well as posts about butches. we both kind of see ourselves within the butchfemme dynamic but i’ve been very tough on myself with calling myself a lesbian because i’ve dated a man before (…in middle school..)

it’s gotten to the point where i’m really worried to label myself because of what it’d imply for my partner? but also what people would say? and while i know i dont HAVE to label myself it just sucks to know theres an identity im drawn to and feel like i fit into that i cant immediately slip into

hmm i'm not really sure how to guide you here. i guess i want to challenge you on some of the things you're saying here, it feels like you're coming at this from maybe the "wrong" angle (wrong feels too harsh a word, maybe just not the most helpful angle)

you're worried you can't call yourself a lesbian because you dated a boy in middle school? i think.. a LOT of lesbians dated boys in jr. high and high school and there are lots of late in life lesbians who were married to men for years before figuring out who they are and coming out. this is all completely normal and common. like, dating one boy in middle school doesn't really mean much tbh. i wouldn't base your identity or label you use around something like that. i dated a bunch of boys in high school and early college when i was still figuring out who i was. your labels or identity or gender or sexuality don't need to account for all you life experiences and past. it's not so much about your sexual history but describing who you are *now*, what you're interested in, in the present.

you say both you and your partner really like Lesbian Genders and butch/femme stuff. that's nice, but liking and relating to lesbian culture and gender stuff doesn't make you a lesbian haha! it's who you're attracted to and who you're not, that determines your orientation. gender and orientation are different things, as i'm sure you know. obviously very connected and stuff. like, for example, just because someone identifies as a man it doesn't make him straight, even though heterosexuality is an integral part of manhood, in the dominant culture. gay trans men are certainly not rare! the same goes for you guys.

also, remember that transmasculinity is a broad umbrella and encompasses a wide variety of people and their identities and experiences. plenty of butches aren't transmasc, and probably most transmascs aren't butch.

i will tell you that in the course of running this blog and being on the internet, i've probably seen and shared thousands of photos and drawing of people. not once have i ever seen something that represents me and my wife. if you are seeking out representation or examples of the options to be, in order to figure out who/what you are, i would advise against that. seek what feels true to you, what feels honest and right. you do not need to be similar to other people in order to find belonging, acceptance, and community. (though of course this is absolutely nothing wrong or bad if you do find others just like you, if you do fit in to existing roles and dynamics! that is of course perfectly normal!)

now, i don't know you or your partner. you know yourselves best. i can't tell you what you really are or really aren't. and i certainly am not going to tell you what you can or can't be! everything i'm saying here is to prompt you to think about and questions to ponder for yourself.

so, i think you have some points to think about, why have you been identifying as bisexual? what is drawing you to the lesbian label? have you tried using 0 labels and not thinking about your identity or labels for at least a month or two (if not a several months) and then coming back and evaluating it afresh? what about the butch-femme dynamic are you drawn to? what is holding you back? you are allowed to discover that you are a lesbian! or you are allowed to continue to be bisexual! i can't tell you who you are - but you're allowed to be and do whatever you want, whatever feels true to you! even if it doesn't make sense to other people or you don't see anyone else like you out there. you gotta be a little bit brave!

hang in there, and sending much love to you and yours! 🧡

[our-alterous-experience]

so i just recently discovered alterous attraction and it felt right to me. i have so far identified as panromantic demisexual, and i was just curious how you thought that fit in with my current orientation.

i know its totally individualized, i am just curious to hear someone else's thoughts on the matter, since i cant talk to the people in my life abt it right now.

Well!!!! Depends on how you feel. As you said, it’s individualized so I can throw out some interpretations !!

So I came out as pansexual as a child and always thought I was ace. I flirted with calling it panromantic but never committed. Because I’m aromantic, bc i’m aplatonic, I find it fitting to call myself panalterous. Bc while I am still aspec what’s more important than my romance or sex take or whatever is how i feel alterously. That being said, you don’t need a direct “name” to fit in conjunction with all the other labels and identity. While some people are Romantics and others feel they are that way about Platonic ideals; the same applies to being alterous. I think sunfriend is my favorite alterous term I ever heard but that’s more hyper specific terminology than helpful thing.

For me, I’m also trans, i’m also queer, i’m also aspec, im also arospec.

I don’t think it’s productive all the time to go hello im Vexerin from genderfluid butch transmasc transsexual neopronouner pansexual aplatonic aspec aceflux aromantic alterous land.

Because honestly! It’s much easier to say Hello, I’m Vexerin, I’m panalterous, I’m 20, I’m aromantic and aplatonic. (Within, the context of someone asking me what the fuck i am for the first time at least)

Which is not to say I dislike any of the identities I identify with, it has given me so much freedom to accept these many facets and factors of my life. But for strangers and people who don’t really Know everything about you or even your sexualities, I would recommend just verbalizing “the hits”. The pieces that impact you the most/ are most relevant. For me that’s a lot of my A-spec identities. For me it’s important that I tell a new online friend I’m aplatonic. Is it important for you to tell someone you’re alterous? Are you itching to tell someone?

When I first started introducing myself as alterous in new spaces there was eventually questions and sit downs and I explained my experience and point of view. With new people I was explaining myself for the first time. It was remarkable I got to set expectations in my own way in my own relationships. So the default wasn’t automatically the society standard. I mean it was but it was changed, and that changed me. I will have this conversation over and over again. Like the classic saying, you never stop coming out.

So my perspective is, what do you want to introduce yourself with? Do you want to mention you’re alterous? I think it’s okay to, I think it’s also okay not to. Or it could be something you don’t mention when first talking about your sexuality but you make sure to mention it the second time. or maybe you only mention it when it becomes relevant, you feel alterous or you remember an alterous moment and you bring it up.

There are many different ways to try to go about this. Which one is the best for you? Or rather, which would you want to try out first?

[genderqueerdykes]

heya

i can't sleep because my sexuality in relationship to my gender has been bothering me.

im transmasc, but genderfluid. not just boy/girl genderfluidity, it's all over the place. and i feel like i identify with being a gay man sometimes, and i also go through periods of feeling like a masculine lesbian.

i know how controversial this is and it breaks my heart because i can't figure out what to do. i know my identity should be for me, but i don't want to make people uncomfortable if i come off as a boy who's a lesbian sometimes.

also i feel intense imposter syndrome over this when i switch around. but it undeniably makes me feel like myself when i say I'm a transmasc genderfluid bi lesbian, which makes me feel good of course. i just wish i could stop feeling bad about it

is any of this normal and is there any other genderfluid ppl with complicated relationships to their sexuality? i feel alone here i guess

love your blog btw makes me happy and validated when i read what you and your followers have to say to people 💖

hello! thanks for stopping by!

i think it can be very easy to work ourselves up and over think things when it comes to how people will receive us in queer spaces- online queer spaces have been needlessly hostile over the past few years, mostly due to the relative anonymity and virtually zero consequences for being harmful and rude. it's okay to get scared sometimes

it may seem 'contradictory' or 'controversial' but it isn't that uncommon to go from identifying as a gay man to identifying as a masculine lesbian! genderfluidity means your genders can be. whatever. there's no set rules, and it's okay if your attraction changes when your gender does. mine does, as well. abrosexual and abroromantic may suit you

you don't have to pass any tests or anything like that to be successfully seen as genderfluid, it's okay if you change to be whatever, whenever. i always identify as a butch lesbian & a femme gay bear, all the time, no matter how I feel or who is fronting in my system. while some cishets may not get it, most queer people i explain this to say "oh yeah, i totally caught that vibe"

it can be scary to have "Strange" identities, but the meaning of "queer" is literally "weird" and having a weird identity falls right in line with the community. you're allowed to be a transmasculine lesbian, and you are even allowed to be a male/boy lesbian- there is no actual cosmic rule stating that lesbians cannot be men, partially men, or be genderfluid and be men sometimes

regardless of how others perceive you, you know who you are. you are the arbiter of your lived experience, and while someone misinterpreting you can be painful and inconvenient, it shouldn't define your experience. if people don't understand, keep going til you find the ones who do, and the ones who try to. even if people don't "Get" your gender, there are a lot of folks who will respect it, anyways, and you deserve that

hope that helps and makes sense. take care of yourself, good luck out there. there are no rules when it comes to be genderfluid. genderfluid people are encouraged to fuck with gender, rules, roles, presentation, etc. and it's only natural that a genderfluid person will have identities that "conflict" when approached through a non-queer lens. identities don't have to "make sense", they are mostly comprised of feelings !

good luck out there! feel free to stop by again

[fatsmyname]

for so long i did not think i could be a lesbian because ive known i am transmasc. but now i am thinking and i am like. hm.. HOW DO YOU KNOW. because i feel like i am attracted to other mascs but not men. like i would not date a cis man. i just want to date butches. ive always identified as bisexual, i know i am attracted to women.... i feel like the issue is that im mostly t4t and i just cannot tell what that means anymore. also i am worried im just questioning this bc i have a crush on a butch nonbinary lesbian rn so i am worried i am just like trying to make shit up so we can relate more. but also my ex is a butch nonbinary lesbain and i always related to them so much. I DONT KNOW. I ALWAYS thought i was into men and most of my OCs are men who are into men but maybe i am just a butch into butches and i did not know how to express that other than like being a transmasc who wanted to be in a mlm relationship. but man never felt right and ive always felt an attachment to lesbianism even tho i thought i was into men but maybe im just into mascs. ANYWAY I DONT KNOW WHY IM SENDING THIS TO YOU I AM JUST TRYING TO FIGURE MY SHIT OUT

hehe hi anon first i just wanna say i did laugh a little at the desperation in this message its very endearing to see lol. secondly!! there's no pressure to have an answer to these questions! you don't have to know the ins and outs of ur attraction to other folks nor do you ever have to explain urself to other peoples/prove yourself to others. sometimes attraction is just odd and something you can't control.

i will say to just focus on whats comfortable for you. if you find yourself leaning towards butches, then go for it! butch4butch romance/dynamics can look a lot like mlm ones, so maybe that's why you've always gravitated towards those. i mean, half the characters in media that im attracted to are men! because i see parts of my masculinity in them and love to see masculine people with other masculine people. lesbianism has got tons of gender fuckery, so you are fully welcome within the world of lesbians no matter what! if the word lesbian resonates with you for whatever reason, then more power to you if you decide to take on the label :3

ur always welcome to pm me to talk more about this tho! i understand your confusion haha, it took me a couple years to take on the lesbian label, and i've since come out twice (as butch and now transmasculine). you never stop learning new stuff about urself lol

[sapphos-darlings]

i think i might be both lesbian and ftm (definitely homosexual, female, dysphoric, have considered transition for years and think it genuinely may help - its just putting the pieces together that gives me hesitation). im single, have dated a few other trans men when i identified differently, but ive never tried to date in the lesbian community. im trying to figure out how it would, i guess, work if i did transition? my current plan of "meet women & transmascs looking to date women or transmascs, tell them im a transmasc lesbian immediately, hope they understand what i mean and also mutual attraction is there" seems honest but possibly unlikely to work. am i missing something, or is it just a hard path im considering? i know one of the mods previously lived as a trans man so i was hoping you might have some experience or advice to share

Your identity, while it will sound wildly conflicting by the book, is actually not at all out there or anywhere near as rare as you'd believe. People are rarely black and white or fit into neat boxes, and transmasculine people have a long history with homosexual women. There have been, and continue to be today, butch lesbians who are taking testosterone or who have had mastectomies, and who go by male pronouns. Gender dysphoria and breaking the rules of our gendered society, in both gay and lesbian communities, has always been so prevalent that this cross-gender expression is rightfully part of our recognised cultural heritage, and one of the most rooted stereotypes associated with us. Even with the rise of transgender people's own, clearly separate rights movement, there is much more overlap in reality than these easy to identify labels would let you believe.

You, as an individual, do not have to be "lesbian" or "ftm" or "female" or "male" or "man" or "woman" in any particular way. It's up to you to express yourself, not your categories; while people instinctively assume that a label will cover all that you are, this is never the case for a person. We are so much more than these aspects of our identity.

And yes, the opposite is still true: there are gay men who date transgender women, and gay women who date transgender men. I follow plenty of trans channels to date as it's both relevant to my life now and to my history before and remains an interest, and some of these channels are for partners of trans people. One of the most common topics brought up is how to match one's identity label to the seemingly out-of-bounds relationship that is happening now, and seeing so many of them, and the unique situations of the people behind them, you come to realise that a label is not a natural fit for people, it's just something we make up to find community.

Further... beyond just exclusively gay people, we bisexuals are also here, we are plentiful, and we are absolutely wonderful. Not all of us, of course, are open to dating gender diverse people - but many others are, and we're typically quite relaxed when it comes to label complications simply because they don't challenge how we're expected to be dating, which is often a source of distress for both exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual people when confronted with a relationship that isn't quite what the handbook said it would be.

Lastly, yes, you are choosing the hard path. That's just how things are, universally, for transitioned and transitioning people, and for lesbians, and for anybody else who is not the norm in our society. There are fewer of us, we are less understood, and we have fewer people whose attraction will naturally match with us either because it isn't how they're wired or because they've never brushed up with the idea beyond a hypotethical concept. However, this doesn't mean you're doomed by any means. Just using myself as an example: I'm truly a mess when it comes to gender, both trans and not trans at the same time and which label applies to me more depends entirely on the subject and the alignment of the stars, and though it's taken its sweet time coming, I've now been in a relationship with a wonderful nonbinary/gender diverse partner for well over a year. While they may not always understand the fine details of how my identity works, that can't really be expected of anybody, even somebody using the same label as I hypotethically might. I don't understand how theirs does all of the time, either - I'd say more than they don't get mine, as my struggles are largely of the transsexual variety, more about the body than expression, and theirs are more of the gender variety, where their identity and inner perception of self reign superior to the matters of the meat. But we don't have to be fully up to date on any of that: what we have in common is much more relevant to our everyday life than the fine details of the things we don't, and at the end of the day, what we have is a gay relationship, which - while it comes with its own struggles and difficulties - still allows for an amazing variety of self-expression in gender and identity both, even within this simple overarching label and state of existing in the world.

Whatever you choose, you'll find people you match up with, and in the end, it's better to be happy with yourself than unhappy with somebody else.

[xxbabywolfxx]

intro post ⋆˙⟡♡

blake | they/he | 21 | nsfw 18+

read below 4 other info

DNI: basic dni criteria obvi, zionists, etc. i have a pretty no harassment type policy i don't think you should bully others based on their kinks & interests if they're not harming anyone and idrc what people identify as. that being said cnc, rape mentions, bestiality & intox kink are very hard passes for me. i may still follow you if you post that (cnc) stuff but yeah!

now for the fun stuff ~

ABOUT ME

aroace spec, audhd, poly, transmasc, single, sub vers (top+) and i identify as queer & butch but who knows what that really means. what i know is i love women, and i love masculine people, but i have never, not once had an experience where ive been attracted to a cis straight man and also enjoyed it so.

sex is very off and on for me sometimes i'm completely repulsed by it and other times it's all i think about it. this blog is to talk about my daydreams and have fun. pls do not send me unsolicited nudes or sext me without consent! flirty messages n anons n stuff r okay but do not just come in anons or messages thinking i want to have sex with you. i'm sort of demisexual where i can't imagine having sexual relations with someone until i've known them for like. 6 months to a year.

KINKS

caretaker/little (i REALLY don't like diapers and this is more of a lifestyle type thing for me more than anything), daddy/mommy, fauxcest, watersports/omo, PETPLAY, praise, size difference, monsters (not animals but like. eren's attack titan or venom type), forcemasc, age gap, lactation, MEDICAL PLAY

you can call me: pretty, baby, sweetheart, sweet pea, puppy, beautiful, honey, boy etc (and masc terms, dude, bro whatever), my name :)

i DONT like being called: handsome, queen, girl, ANY super derogatory terms like slut or whore

DISLIKES

really anything that is/or bordering on nonconsent/dubious consent. intoxication is a huge trigger for me. i don't like ageplay or diapers AT ALL. in regards to cnc, it is hard to find spaces where people aren't into that, so i will follow blogs that post it. but i just need it to be known that that's something im not into! so don't send me anons about it or message me about it! besides cnc stuff i'm pretty open about everything else even if it's not my thing.

this is not an exhaustive list of everything i'm into but i tried to make it as coherent as possible. i like to be babied, told what to do, and service others more than anything. anyway enjoy ~ :)

[kaiynite]

Hey Kai! How’s fall treating you so far? Remember to drink water and get enough sleep!

I was just wondering; if you use he/him and they/them, why do you identify in the wlw community, and how does identifying as sapphic not give you dysphoria?

Ofc you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to; I’d just like to be more educated about the nonbinary community!

Have a nice day!

Hello! Np thanks for asking so respectfully, the answer is bc pronouns don't necessarily equal gender they more r how I want to be perceived an expressing masculinity, Like how gay men will call each other "she, sis, queen etc" to express feminitity while not identifying as a women

To go a little deeper I view lesbianism as a gender identity bc of the inherent anti heteronormativity

Like being a non man attracted to women/non men is so inherently outside of the binary that when Im perceived as a woman it makes me uncomfortable bc society perceives women in a certain light that I don't associate with if that makes sense

For me personally I don't wanna medically transition as I'm not binary and don't have genital dysphoria, I have more of a social dysphoria, more how I'm viewed vs being distressed in my body, tho that does happen sometimes bc I'll get gender envy from men but not bc I wanna be a man but bc I want to be able to express feminitity in a masculine body. I would maybe get top surgery for my own comfort but honestly Idk I feel for connected to being sapphic or wlw bc thats so separated from the societal woman. And ive always liked being androgynous and felt very out of the box compared to other girls.

Keep in mind that this is my own personal experience, and every non binary/transmasc lesbian has a different one. Also this isn't rly something new, lesbians who felt out of the gender norm and didn't identify with womenhood have always existed, that's honestly what a lot of butch culture has come from and there are books abt it (such as stone butch blues) that go deeper into it!

With this remember that lesbianism and gender is a very nuanced thing but the ultimate existence of lesbian is the complete lack of men. U cannot b a man and b a lesbian and u cannot b attracted to men and b a lesbian. (Saying this bc ppl r trying to say that bi/pan and mspec lesbians exist which is so invalidating)

Anyways have. Lovely day <3

[polyamorouspunk]

topic: transmasc lesbians? i see a lot of people online saying "you can't be transmasc and a lesbian" but i mean historically there's been a lot of overlap between butch lesbians and trans men and like if you've identified as a lesbian for 20 years before realizing you're actually transmasc it might feel weird to call yourself straight after that yknow? im just saying gender/sexuality is complex and they dont exist in a void and it makes me angry when ppl pretend they do

It is! Gender is fluid! Sexuality is fluid! And people will be like yeah yeah and then you say something like that and they’re like wait no-

There’s a right way to be queer-

And that ain’t it chief-

Which is bullshit you know.

People be like pronouns don’t equal gender and then if someone who IDs as a girl uses He/Him they’re like wait no that’s not the right was to be queer.

People will be like “I ID with two terms so I’m going to combine them” and people will be like that’s not how words work like ready? Because I just used the word “they’re” which is a combination of 2 words-

And like people will be like “Lesbian has always included nonbinary people” like some lesbians won’t dump their partner after they come out as nonbinary or trans... like that’s why terms like bi lesbian exist...

Also who cares? It really doesn’t effect you.

“If men think lesbians are attracted to women then they’ll use that as an excuse” no men are going to use any excuse whether or not it’s that and also stop blaming other women for shitty men.

“Your gender is why people don’t take my gender seriously” no it’s not? There are plenty of people who are accepting of trans without accepting things like “star gender” even within the queer community? Even some people in the community are transphobic and won’t accept your trans gender?

“These identities are harmful” people having fun with “made up genders” to call themselves similar to making up a nickname for yourself is harmful?

“You need to go outside no one in the real world is going to call you those things” and I’m not expecting them to?

I mean really if you explain to the random stranger on the street that you’re a transmasc lesbian they’re just going to be like okay? I don’t care? Or they’ll ask and you explain and they’re like okay cool and move on with their life. People are a lot more accepting than you would think, that, or they know how to keep their fucking mouths shut and not be fucking rude about it? Like normal people? Don’t bully others for kicks? Most people are naturally kind? I’m sorry that’s hard for exclusionists to understand because they always want to be the victim while also blaming other members of their community for the outside oppression they face (victims blaming).

People be like “stop using out words” and then we make our own and they call them fake and tell them that we just need to use their words for ease....

Gender and sexuality aren’t a science they’re a social construct. They’re imaginary. You cannot hold them in your hand. It’s just not that hard to respect that people have different experiences? Like just because you don’t experience something and you can’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t real to someone else. Idk man. Stop blaming other people for your problems. Words are not perfect. Either people get mad because terms like “lesbian” are too broad and so we use them or they’re not broad enough and so we make more and they’re like no that’s too complicated now why can’t you just use lesbian. Also historical context? None.

Anyway this blog supports “contradictory” (not contradictory) identies like “bi lesbian” or “transmasc lesbian” or “nonbinary male” or “genderqueer guy” etc.

[vampsting]

this might be a dumb question i guess but i mean it completely sincerely, how does it not say that nonbinary lesbians don't exist to say transmasc lesbians don't? nb people can identify as a woman and a lesbian but still transition to be more masculine which is (i thought??) the definition of transmasc

i am going to put this under cut as most people following my blog probably dont want this filling up a lot of the page, i hope thats alright. and dont worry, im not upset or angry youre coming to me with genuine confusion. sorry if this was longer than you anticipated, i wanted to try to get most of my thoughts down.

transfem & transmasc are not general nonbinary terms is the issue. transfeminine is a term for trans women, while transmasculine is a term for trans men. myself and most the trans men ive met who use it describe ourselves as transmasc because it describes that we are

a) not aligning with the binary that was assigned to us, but

b) not entirely aligning with the binary either

i am a nonbinary transgender man- i guess the long winded way of truly describing how i feel is im a transgender demiboy/man, however “transmasculine” is easier to say and suits my gender descriptor & expression much better.

there are basically two ways transmasc is mistakenly used for lesbian experiences and that is

a) an outright trans man describing themselves as a lesbian, most likely because they are a transmedicalist, truscum, or otherwise transphobic & transmisogynistc. so even if they are a man they think “im a 'biological woman’, and since im only attracted to 'biological women’, i am a lesbian, regardless of if im a trans man or not” and

b) equating a butch lesbians experiences with a trans mans, when transmasc & being butch or a gnc lesbian are inherently different experiences, as transmasc is a term to describe nonbinary trans men.

this isnt saying lesbians cannot use he/him pronouns, cannot go on t, cannot bind, etc. its saying that while they can share those aspects with the transmasculine experience, they are not transmasculine, because they are not a man. if someone truly feels they are a lesbian, they inherently cannot be transmasc, because transmasc is a label that describes a certain experience of being a man. i understand gender can be fucky when youre nonbinary and/or gnc, however, that doesnt mean people should take already existing terms and misuse them, is basically the point.

both transfem & transmasc as terms have become muddied on this site due to the rampant misuse. in the past year, quite a few lesbian bloggers were also called out for misusing transfem on themselves, leading many people to believe they were trans lesbians- even fooling many trans lesbians themselves. this meant people who werent trans women would use a trans womans label, and then talk on issues of transmisogyny, when they didnt actually have the authority to. the people misusing the label claimed they thought they could call themselves transfem because they are nonbinary & feminine, which is the same way many misuse transmasc. another aspect of this conversation is since transfem & transmasc are similar labels, the misuse of one will inevitably lead to the misuse of the other. so if you look at a tme person calling themselves transfem and you think “obviously, thats bad”, you cant really vouch that transmasc can be used the way many misuse it as its the same application- the misuse of transfem is much more harmful though, of course.

its an issue of taking & misusing trans terms, and also alienating trans people by doing so- but especially alienating trans women. saying a truly transmasc person could ever be a lesbian is to tie lesbianism to being cafab. to say a lesbian can be transmasc because they are gnc and on t, binding, etc is just... a misuse of a trans mans term. its like how many talk about how bi lesbians cannot exist- because lesbians are women who only like women. transmasc lesbians cannot exist because transmasc is a trans mans term, and lesbians cannot be men.

[butchcharliee]

for so long i did not think i could be a lesbian because ive known i am transmasc. but now i am thinking and i am like. hm.. HOW DO YOU KNOW. because i feel like i am attracted to other mascs but not men. like i would not date a cis man. i just want to date butches. ive always identified as bisexual, i know i am attracted to women.... i feel like the issue is that im mostly t4t and i just cannot tell what that means anymore. also i am worried im just questioning this bc i have a crush on a butch nonbinary lesbian rn so i am worried i am just like trying to make shit up so we can relate more. but also my ex is a butch nonbinary lesbain and i always related to them so much. I DONT KNOW. I ALWAYS thought i was into men and most of my OCs are men who are into men but maybe i am just a butch into butches and i did not know how to express that other than like being a transmasc who wanted to be in a mlm relationship. but man never felt right and ive always felt an attachment to lesbianism even tho i thought i was into men but maybe im just into mascs. ANYWAY I DONT KNOW WHY IM SENDING THIS TO YOU I AM JUST TRYING TO FIGURE MY SHIT OUT

Hi I'm charlies partner and I can really relate to this. When I first came out I thought I was bisexual because I had an attraction to masculinity. I think our social norms tend to make us think we have to always associate masculinity with men. Just be you. Gender isn't as important as everyone makes it out to be.

To further add to this my personal experiences and preferences, it took me a long time to figure myself out and my attraction out because I'm butch4butch, and that's something you rarely see. I think sometimes it confused me because I had been told so many different things and that I wasn't valid as a sapphic if I dated another butch. I think you should use what labels feel most comfortable to and they are a tool, not something that defines you.

[pbscore]

Hello! I dont want to be intrusive, but as a fellow butch who aants to start t, i was wondering how you navigate that. Im feeling kind of lost in terms of gender, and trying to figure out my own identity when im not sure of either my gender or sexuality bc they seem so tied together. Do you have any advice?

Not intrusive at all, anon! I can definitely understand where you’re coming from because that’s how I felt for years before I finally made that decision.

I would say, before trying to even start any hormones or surgeries, try to practice referring to yourself in different ways. For example: ask yourself what pronouns or names you feel the MOST comfortable with from yourself and from others. Do you like she/her, they/them, he/him, etc? Do you like primarily dressing a certain way? For me, it was obvious that I prefer wearing ‘masculine’ clothing with lots of silver jewelry. Due to my observations of that about myself, I embraced being androgynous AND masculine at the same time, rather than ‘choosing’ which one of those labels I am.

I would also say, anon, that’s it’s ok for you to keep exploring your identity and not feel any shame for changing it when you feel it’s time to. If you feel like you connect with the butch label and you are thinking about taking T, there’s nothing wrong with that at all! But, it’s ok if those feelings change into something else along the way, too.

I have noticed that for a lot of lesbians (butch lesbians, specifically), we tend to have a much harder time navigating our gender and sexuality at the same time because they can be linked together. I’m a lesbian because I’m only attracted to women and I’m not a man. It sounds simple enough but the journey to get to that place was very difficult for me because I thought that I couldn’t look too ‘masculine’ for a butch to the point where I end up ‘passing’ as a man.

I realized that people come in all shapes and sizes. I’ve been blessed enough to meet and see plenty of butches, all with different styles, and it made me realize that there’s nothing wrong with how I look (or how I will look in the future). I don’t identify as a man, so therefore I’m not a man. I can be confident in taking T and knowing that all those features associated with cishet men that happen to you while you’re on it (more hair, higher sex drive, deeper voice, etc) are not EXCLUSIVE to cishet men.

So anon, just take your time and don’t rush into anything. I literally just started my journey this year, after years of being unsure until I realized that taking T was something I wanted to do regardless of which label (butch or trans man) I was using at the time. Because it was such a consistent desire for me, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I officially made the decision and embraced my identity as a transmasc nonbinary butch lesbian. It’s a mouthful but it makes me happy, and that’s what matters at the end of the day, anon! 🌻