#and im so tired of feeling like this useless burden

[cutearose]

.

[kaserolly]

I feel like shit

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: SH and su!c!de

[exerlin]

i haven't been taking my HRT because the pills taste and feel bad and also i wanted to die so much when i first started taking it again after over a year of not being able to get it and the fear of being put in that mental headspace again has been preventing me from taking HRT

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Me: I feel like no one but babe understands the hell I go through mentally

Also me 5 minutes later after he reeneters the room to essentially ignore me because I guess my distress is too much or something: nope no one understands whatsoever at all

[seraphimsinful]

Hmmngmgmmm

[wonwoonlight]

when you can't sleep but shua is right next to you.

A/N: it's 11 in the evening here and i wrote this in, like, 20 minutes for all of u who were wishing for shua's shiny star, or you who have trouble sleeping. I hope this very small gift means something to any of you🩶 this is definitely not proofread bc im falling asleep now lol good night

You turn on your bed. Once. And then twice.

And then once again.

You bite your lip as you try to listen to Shua's soft breathing just in case he awakes because of your constant shifting.

He is already asleep the moment you return home, and you quietly wash up and join him on the bed because the day has been long and you honestly just want it to end already.

It would be better if you could be in Shua's arms right now, but at least he's next to you and you're just glad at least one of you is sleeping properly.

He seems like he needs it anyway; God knows he's even busier than you are.

When you're sure Shua is still deep in his sleep, you turn once again, this time to face him.

You don't think you'd ever get tired of watching his face, asleep or awake. He's so beautiful either way, but asleep, Shua looks so peaceful and whatever weight that would burden him when he's awake can't bother him in this state.

For that, you're more than grateful.

Shua is the more emotional and sensitive one between the two of you, and it's definitely not something that you complain about. But it means he seems to understand you more than you do him so sometimes you feel useless when you know he's not feeling his best.

He's been a little too busy these days, which worries you, but there's nothing you can really do about it. Hence, you're simply glad that at least he's sleeping properly.

Unlike you.

You're tired, your eyes are heavy, and you're sleepy, but your body refuses to succumb to sleep for some reason. You don't know what's stopping you from sleeping.

So you do what brings you comfort: watch your lover sleep. Your palm reaches out to his face, and when your thumb caresses the apple of his cheek, Shua leans to your touch even in his sleep.

You spend a few moment just like that. Time always seems like an illusion when you're with him, because you don't know how much time has passed until Shua slowly opens his eyes and immediately stares into your eyes.

"Why are you awake?" He asks, voice heavy with sleep.

You offer nothing but a hum, your fingers moving from his face into his hair.

"Can't sleep again?" Even half asleep, Shua can tell the smile you give him is defeated. So he reaches out to pull you into his chest instead, the position uncomfortable but not unwelcome. "Let's stay like this for a bit, hm?"

It's hard to hold him back in this position, so you decide to bask in his hold and the sound of his heartbeat instead. You think you feel his lips on top of your head, and Shua starts humming the familiar melody that always bring you comfort, his palm rubs your back in a slow pattern.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and... down.

He chuckles when he hears your soft snore, looking down at your sleeping figure before maneuvering you both into a more comfortable position.

A few minutes later, he falls back to sleep with his fingers buried in your hair and the soft pattern of your breath.

[sassykinzonline]

Another Chance - oneshot

this takes place after VOTE 2, hospitalized upon hitting konoha and induced into unconsciousness to heal more painlessly from the injuries. its weird to write about myself but it helps. im writing these in one go so typos will be inevitable. im not a writer either.

--------------------------------------------------@

By now, Sasuke had lost count of how many times he had woken up in a hospital room. This was one of the rare times where it was his own fault. It was also the first time he woke up with someone beside him-- who else but Naruto?

"This was the one promise he should've allowed himself not to keep."

Sasuke surprised himself by chuckling at his own thought. He didn't know how long it had been since he had laughed so freely so many times in a row.

Ah, freedom. Maybe that was why?

As he closed his eyes and took in a slow, deep breath, scenes from whenever his eyes were open last played in front of his eyes. An idea. Revolution. Isolation. Burden. War. Despair. Darkness. Death. Hope. He breathed out. Turning his head and opening his eyes to the sound of rushing water, to the sight of Naruto. His face mottled purple, blood both fresh and dried, eye swollen shut. A pool of blood where his arm should be. Where his hand should be linked with Sasuke's. That's when he noticed that his own blood came to meet Naruto's, and Sasuke wondered if this meant he had lost his chance. After all, how many times did Naruto hold his hand out? How many times did Sasuke meet it with his honestly? He spent all his life running...running forward...running away...running. He was tired. He sat up, a part of his mind ringing with Naruto's voice.

"If we too much, we'll die."

Another failure then. He felt his chest expand as he took in a breath to avoid sighing, his eyes carefully scanning Naruto's supine body for further injury. At least Naruto hadn't move, that would mean--

Naruto hadn't moved. In all this time, he hadn't moved at all.

Sasuke activated his sharingan immediately, throwing himself towards Naruto while checking for even the most minute movement. A throbbing vein. A strained throat trying to pull in air. A twitch in his toes. Naruto moves in his sleep. He tosses and turns. He grabs for the air. He snores with his mouth open, drool pouring out the corner of his mouth. Even in his sleep, Naruto is so alive. Naruto is always alive.

His earlier thought echoed in his mind, pounding against the back of his eyes. He had once again wished for Naruto's death. But that isn't what he wanted this time-- or all the other times--No. That wasn't true, but what he meant was that Naruto should've left him alone--No, not like this. Naruto should've given up on him--Sasuke watched the stillness of Naruto's heart. Naruto had given up on him. This wasn't the success he wanted. He wasted all his chances. Again and again. He had tried to cut Naruto down again and again, but this time was supposed to be different...but...not like this!

Sasuke visualized his body. His skin and his hair. Useless to him in this moment. He went one layer deeper: muscles. Perfect. He focused on his tongue, lifting it slightly to meet his teeth. Next his lips, relaxed so they would slightly part. Lastly, his jaw tensed ever so slightly. One more layer down to his skeleton. The abrupt feeling of bone ending was odd. He wondered if the edge was jagged or smooth. Another layer. Good, his brain. His mouth had succeeded in forming the phoneme for "n". This would be the start of his attempt to call out Naru--

A jolt went through his mind. This was futile as Naruto was dead. No. Sasuke doesn't kill. Sasuke never succeeds. Sasuke is too weak to do such a thing. Sasuke has always wanted to protect those that he loves. He never succeeds, but he wants to. So he reaches for Naruto's body, forgetting he has no arm to balance his weight on. He crashes onto the hard, cold ground. Sasuke doesn't have time to feel the pain. He's going to use lightning release to jumpstart Naruto's heart, and stimulate his brain. He knows how to do this. He trained and studied.

But he can't move. He can't breathe. Naruto doesn't move. Naruto doesn't breathe. He needs to. Sasuke feels himself choke. First his stomach comes up, then his heart. He sees it all. Then the bile. Then his breath. Then his words. Words for his feelings, those get stuck too. Then the fear. The despair. The loneliness. That's all he has. He gave his all. He has nothing left.

He's too late and Naruto is dead in the Valley of the End. He blinks. He's too imprecise and Naruto is skewered on his sword at Orochimaru's hideout. He blinks. He's too desperate and Naruto is skewered on his arm in the Valley of the End. He blinks. He's too clever and Naruto is skewered on his arm on the hospital roof. He blinks. He's too slow and Naruto is skewered by hundreds of senbon needles in a dome made of ice. His blood pools onto Sasuke's hand. His skin is unusually pale. He doesn't move and he doesn't breathe. Naruto is no longer alive. He's dead on the forest floor in the Land of Waves because Sasuke was too late. He's dead in the Forest of Death because Sasuke is too weak. He's dead and his blood rains down on Sasuke, who sinks into quicksand because Sasuke isn't clever enough. He lays dead in the Valley of the End as Sasuke sinks to his knees, and rain pours down.

Sasuke looks up. The moon is a bright white, and it's so so close. It burns his eyes. His tears burn behind his eyes as he runs home, praying for a miracle. Itachi stands over his parent's dead bodies, skewered by Itachi's sword as their blood pools. The scene burns behind his eyes and Itachi reminds him he's too weak. He reminds him that he is a failure. Sasuke's lungs burn as he runs from hotel to hotel, praying for a miracle. Itachi stands over Naruto. This time Sasuke will skewer Itachi on his arm. But Itachi reminds him that he's too weak, that he is a failure. Sasuke chokes.

Oh, he had something left after all. His hope. He doesn't want it anymore. The butterfly at the bottom of the box is dead. One wing crumpled, one wing torn off. It cannot fly. It cannot escape. When the box opens again, all it will be able to do is wait. Wait for the light. Wait to be freed.

The box opens and light floods his vision, it is painful and pure white. It is so clean. He hopes it will cleanse him too. He wants a reset, so he can try again. The light gets stronger and his eyes burn. He thrashes in an attempt to avoid it, to stop the pain. But he can't. His eyes will always see, especially when he doesn't want to. A voice calls out to him from above, and he stills with relief. He is finally home.

"Ugh, you're still as noisy as ever."

Sasuke bolts upright, his eyes open wide so he can truly see. Is it really his voice? He's in his hospital room, but on the floor this time. Naruto is beside him, on a bed, covering his head with a pillow. Sasuke reaches his arm out, but he's too far away. He looks down to prepare himself to stand, the pain of his injuries suddenly flooding his senses.

Before he can remove his hand, a warm hand grabs it tightly. Sasuke holds his breath and looks up. He stares at a face with flushed red cheeks, covered in bandages, and into true blue eyes. Then the eyes squint, but Sasuke cannot move. Not even the smallest movement. Not even blink.

"Noisy AND stupid. You're making the dumbest face right now. What's your deal?"

With the grace of a baby deer, Naruto swings his legs over his bed and slides off it, joining Sasuke on the floor. He squeezes Sasuke's hand once, tilting his head and raising an eyebrow. His eyes scan over Sasuke's face, then his body, stopping once in a while at every point Sasuke feels pain.

"...I just fell," said Sasuke as he blinked. His thumb twitched, accidentally caressing the rough knuckles Naruto had earned through a lifetime of fighting. Naruto stiffened and slowly looked down at their joined hands, and Sasuke willed his heart to stay the same. He willed his brain not to produce adrenaline. He willed his muscles to stay as they were.

"Sasuke, are you okay?"

Naruto mumbled out his question, then held his breath. He stayed as still as possible, yet his body thrummed with tension and his gaze burned a hole into the corner of the blanket that Sasuke had pulled down with him as he fell.

Sasuke smiled to himself, looking down as well then softly letting air out of his nose in a snort at Naruto's behaviour. Even when Naruto is trying to be still, he is so so alive. Just to make sure, Sasuke slid his palm upwards to hold Naruto's wrist. He felt the thump thump thump that he needed, and pulled Naruto into him.

As he wrapped Naruto in a one-armed hug, he whispered in his ear, "I'm okay now."

Before he could think of what else to say, Naruto's warm face separated from his. Sasuke furrowed his brows at the cold that replaced it, while suddenly being met with Naruto's discerning stare. Completely confused by Naruto's reaction, Sasuke slightly raised an eyebrow and met his stare. Naruto's eyes widened as he shivered, clenching his teeth.

Suddenly, Sasuke flew back at the push of Naruto's hand and his back hit the side of his bed. Naruto shot up, and Sasuke's eyes followed him. His confusion only increasing by the second. But he was patient. And Naruto loved to talk. Naruto would explain it to him.

"What the HELL was that?! Did they give you too much morphine? Did you bump your head?! DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHO I AM?! I'll call Sakura, that's who you need to see right now--"

Sasuke lunged at Naruto and covered his mouth. Once again he forgot about his newly gained imbalance, and they both fell, bounced off Naruto's bed then crashed onto the floor. Sasuke fell on his knees, caging Naruto beneath him, still covering his mouth. Fear flooded Sasuke's body given the position they found themselves in. He couldn't predict what would happen next, so he simply readied himself by trying to analyze Naruto's eye movements.

Naruto laid his hand over Sasuke's and clutched it. Sasuke's eyes widened as he let out a slight gasp. He didn't account for this possibility. Then he suddenly felt himself falling for the third time. Directly onto Naruto, who had yanked Sasuke's hand off his mouth, causing him to lose the only thing holding him up.

Their lips crashed together, and Sasuke was suddenly transported to his first day as a genin. Again asking himself, "What the fuck is wrong with Naruto?" Then he was swatted to the side using his own hand, allowing him to land on his back with significantly less pain than the first time Naruto pushed him. The impact of his back to the ground brought him out of his stupor, he glanced at Naruto beside him. Naruto's eyes as wide as could get, then slowly narrowing in anger.

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! AREN'T YOU A NINJA?! Why didn't you DODGE and ROLL?--"

"I should be saying that to you! You never use your fucking brain, what did you expect would happen if you removed the only thing holding me up?" yelled Sasuke, his body instinctively wired to rise to any challenge Naruto laid out for him.

"No comeback, loser? I knew you kissed me on purpose the first time, this just proves it. You've always been completely forceful and backwards about your feelings," deadpanned Sasuke as he rolled his eyes and let out a sigh to mask the feeling bubbling up through him. He was met with silence, an unusual condition when around Naruto. He turned his head to discern the reason for Naruto's speechlessness. He was met with a picasso-level distortion of an expression; Naruto's eyebrows were raised in concern, his nose scrunched in discomfort, his mouth twisted in a grimace of disgust, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and his eyes shining with honesty.

He couldn't help it-- he guffawed, curling on his side with his arm clutching his stomach.

As Naruto scolded him through shaking him by his collar, yelling profanity, and sputtering out obvious lies about his experience with kissing and romance. After the third "pisshead motherfucker", Sasuke turned to Naruto and smirked.

"Oi, Naruto. Calm down, I'll give you one more chance to try again."

[colorfullyminded]

I Don't Remember the last time I took my Medicine

I'm tired. I don't have the energy. I don't care anymore. I'm so sick of it. trying to distract myself with other things-- trying to talk about the things I like. trying not to think about the move. trying not to think about living at home again-- wanted to start over...if i had to start over. It's not working. it's not what i had in mind. Losing the energy-- losing motivation. struggling to be positive. Just a black hole, just a leech-- sucking my brother dry; just a burden/ always have been/nothing new. Don't wanna go home. Can't go home. Can't go back. Can't go. don't wanna. Don't wanna be here. Don't wanna start over. Nothing here. Nothing there. Not good enough. hate them. hate me. hate me. i feel like i'm talking to walls. like are you listening? or are you pretending to listen? Do you care about me? Would it be better if you didn't? Would I rather you hated me? It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. I know it's in my head. I know i'm to blame. I know i'm being annoying. I know im being weird. I should take my medicine. But I don't wanna. I'm scared.

hate me. wothless. useless. tired. take medicine. bad. bad. Tired. Tired. so tired. so tired. why did you make me/ why/ why. scared.

[canidaecreep]

i feel like such a fucking burden to him. i know he loves me and wants to support me and help me but i feel like a waste of space and food and money and i cant contribute in any way that really matters and im so tired of being useless

[justrandomfandomstm]

I have been noticing somethigng for a while and I need people to tell me its something that they have noticed too.

So, Im disabled. Physically and mentally. And this has made me grow up exceptionally fast in the maturing sense. And now that im technically an adult I notice more and more how people are just... not

Like at work people come to ME for info about all things metaphorical, some serious topics like mental health, their own problems and things that usually are reserved for older people. And I don't mind it, I love giving people info and stuff, I love helping them discover themselves and help them in ways I wish someone would have helped me. But it's... strange.

The thing is I'm barely even an adult still, and still feel like a child in so many ways, but I still always seem to be on the outside with them. Since I've been forced to grow up, everyone is going through revelations at 26 I went through at 16.

And its VERY weird to be one of the most mature person there and still be so technically young. Everyone thought I was at least 20 something, not 18. And I don't feel 18. I have never felt my age. I use it as the control of how much dosage of medication I should take, not as my age. And it's not a new thing, I have NEVER felt my age in any way. And it's getting worse.

I graduated and went to college at 17, finished my first uni year at 18 and dropped out. Same year and I'm working to move far away, a place to settle down. I've worked more than some of my coworkers. I'm the little child prodigy that makes them feel useless but I'm NOT. I STILL FEEL LIKE A DISSAPOINTMENT. I FEEL LIKE A 30 Y/O DISSAPOINTMENT. I DONT KNOW WHY

People look at me like I'm crazy or an 'old soul'. I've been called that MY WHOLE LIFE. I don't understand what it means, I don't get stupid youthful foolishness, I dont GET it because I dont feel young or foolish. And its exhausting to feel this way, so out of the world around me, always feeling so out of depth or swimming with toddlers, no in between.

That's why I have struggled with age and time all my life. I can never guess someone's age, I dont remember a single thing about my childgood and I can't name the ages I was at those times. Hell, I still say I'm 17, sometimes 20, or even 16. I dont feel the passage of time, I dont know what age I was when I started school, I dont know the age I broke my bones, started feeling chronic pain, started to grow up, started forgetting all those years.

But I cant SAY ANY OF THIS

BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE IT SEXUALLY

LIKE 'im mature for my age' is now used for pedophilia and harrasment. But I AM. I AM AND I HATE IT. I AM AND I AM BURDENED TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT SOME TYPE OF SPIRIT, LOOKING AT THE WORLD AS SOMETHING TO SOLVE AND NOT LIVE. SEEING IT AS BROKEN AS IT IS.

Maybe its because the world is burning down, being part of gen z and growing up in a burning world. And some people my age DO act like I do, but they are usually autistic or disabled and I just... want to know? idk, this was more of a rant. Im just so tired. Ha,

[bedrotwinter1]

Im stuck. Caught up in unrequited love so one sided you've drifted into my dreams.

I carry you on my back and you whisper in my ear all day. Talking to me, lingering in my mind like a nostalgic smell.

Maybe I'm schizophrenic? Imaging moments where you wrapped you're arms around me, or even held a conversation with me. So vivid I thought they were real.

But where does your voice go when I look at you or see you laughing with your friends? I'm lucky enough to hold eye contact with you and not feel so nervous.

...........................

Why do I collapse in on myself so easily? 'Delusional' is the word.

So caught up in my fantasies of us that I forget who you really are. Spread you on a canvas and painted over you again and again.

What is this? Am I trying to fix you? Maybe? I'm not too sure..

Coloring over those parts of you that show who you really are and even how you've treated me.

I don't like it. Furrowing my eyebrows as I paint over you again, warm and cool colors mixing to make a tornado of confusion.

Which has turned brown and merky.

I can't see you straight anymore.

Your smile. Or the face I loved to stare at so much.

I've forgotten what you look like already, staring at this canvas and hoping for my brain to fill in the blanks for me.

Show me what I saw before.

Before I painted over you to make you look better. Not to others but to me.

So I could feel like I deserved you. That you were good enough to love me back. Or even remember my name.

Or maybe be a better person.

Looking down at my paint covered hands with pity but I'm still confused.

The reflection of the paint shines through me and I'm not sure what I'm doing. Painting someone to be someone they aren't. So I could love them and their selfish wrongs.

Stupid.......Stupid and wasteful.

Wasting so much time on something so useless.

I'm unhappy now. A bit empty now.

Thinking about you. Looking forward to seeing you gave me a little bit of purpose.

Getting to see you in class or even passing you in the hallway. It completed me knowing that I would see you sometime today.

Hoping you thought I looked good, knowing how much I put into my looks.

It was cute at first, small delusions, smiling when you smile.

Now I'm striving to learn about you and try to find my place in your life which I know I don't belong in.

Two completely different planets colliding to meet disaster. Or is it just me trying to force myself into your atmosphere..?

Maybe opposites don't always attract..

Maybe it was best that you kept me occupied for so long, so worn out that I got tired of you. So special, yet so plain. So beautiful but so stupid.

...........(／。＼)

---I was in a big unrequited love thing for a while and it was really hard for me to shake. I wrote alot about him and sometimes I still think about him, the feelings don't linger with me anymore but without him I would not have been able to experiment so much with love in my poetry. So I thank you....but you will forever be a burden for me. This is one of my longer ones but i hope u still enjoyed it. I loved writing this, another one of my unrequited love poems. ---

[solarisii]

It's okay to be sad, angry, afraid, depressed. And it's okay to talk about and vent those feelings. Don't let uounir anyone else say you're a burden or being annoying by discussing your feelings. Anyone who says that isn't worth your time.

Thank you so much. It's just difficult ya? Like I don't want to hurt, scare anyone away, trigger anyone else, and/or like you said (and I've said before) be a burden or be annoying. A good number of my problems are still happening/reoccurring so it also just feels like every vent is basically the same.

Part of my vents honestly I think is just to be heard and understood by folks. Despite my own communication difficulties.

And uuuhhhh sorry, this in and of it's self kinda became a vent below so...

I'm trying my best but all of my best has felt like it's been chipped away. I'm depressed, chronically anxious both generally and socially, feeling useless and like a burden because I can't work and recently I haven't even been able to make much art. Feeling like a failure in my transition because I think I maybe on too low of a dose but am too afraid to ask and that i have basically haven't been able to present differently like 99% of the time. On top of that years of low-key abuse came to a very explosive point a couples years ago and that scrambled everything harder. And I've had some bad doc experiences, with one as a teen telling me I'd be dead by 30 and it's hard to shake that being 30 now. Really feeling that running out of time. With my most recent appointment talking about some of my failings with my own health has the endless repeating thought of "I'M GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE SOON FROM EITHER MEDICAL OR FASCISM" which isn't a great thought , let alone me being crammed in-between the thought of how I should just die.

And there's things that like logically I know but for some reason I can't use/implement anymore. Like apologizing too much and rewording it to be thank you. I just can't anymore it feels like such a lie because I am so sorry for bother someone or sometimes just for existing. Or not using words like failure(failure is a step not a permanent point or affliction), burden(that's just being, it comes with existing), or useless (by who's standards) to describe myself but like I don't have other words to describe these feeling and thoughts eating through me.

Then there's the basics of like Get exercise! (makes me actively suicidal, idk why), Get good and consistent sleep! (I've literally never been able to), Eat well!(I don't have an excuse for this I just fucking suck at it). I'm in therapy and I've gone through like 8 meds, each one/combo taking weeks to try and only for it to sometimes just make everything almost worse. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if there's something wrong with my brain to make that many not work but.

I'm so so so so tired I'm in both physical and emotional pain, and have been hopeless for months now. I'm trying my best I swear I am. Right now I'm stuck just trying to get through each day and stay alive. I AM sad I AM angry I AM afraid and I AM depressed. I just wanna be a happy weird dog girl who play video games, draws, and has wonderful times with her friends who is atleast somewhat understood. I want it so bad.

[madame-fear]

long rant about some feelings i had lately because i need to say it somewhere. i should post it on my sideblog but honestly i lack the will to sign out from this and log into the other account. Feel free to ignore.

Quite honestly seeing all the endearing messages you guys send me truly encourages me to keep me going, and in a way, it comforts me. But these days for some reason I’ve had some recurring grim feelings that burden me, and make me feel empty.

I have a loving family I adore, sweet mutuals and friends i also appreciate with all my life, and i’m studying a career i always wanted to study – but i feel disappointed with myself. I feel like I have no clue where to go in life, like I cant rrally achieve anything too important. I feel useless, and weak.

Everyone in my real life remarks how shy and quiet i often am, and my parents say that im a sensible soul but even if they say it in a good way i feel stupid and fragile. I feel like everyone can run past over me because they know im not capable of saying anything against it. I feel worthless, and like i constantly need to be guided to do even the slightest thing. I panic at the most minor of inconveniences because i have no idea how to react and i overly stress, and needless to say the tremors i have worsen and it just makes me feel like shit.

I never find the right time to say what i feel, nor the right situation. And even if i do and express myself in any dumb way i can find at that moment, i just get called an attention seeker and they blame me as a victim that always has everything served and is spoiled, and even if im grateful for all the things i have in my life, i just keep feeling like a heavy weight on the people surrounding me. I feel like nothing i ever do is right, i never know what to say, i feel stupid. Sincerely.

I dont care what anyone says about me, especially if its someone i dont know. But i know some friends and people in real life that made fun of me when talking about my interests, how fragile i seem at everything and reserved i am, i even heard some classmates snickering behind of me when i was explaining specifically what i studied and im tired of not having the will to stand up. I truly despise myself to the point i can barely find the right words, if there is any.

Everyday i feel like im dragging myself through life and i would muh rather keep sleeping and stay in my dreams than have to keep being understanding at stupid people, and the disrespect. Im always embarrassed of expressing how i feel but its even more heavy to carry all my self-worth issues without being able to freely talk about it. You guys have no idea how many fucking times i had the impulse of jumping in front of a car, throwing myself out of the balcony, hanging myself and end myself because i cant STAND not knowing how to guide my life, where to go, and feeling insecure and i dont say this to be dramatic. i cant do anything by myself.

If it werent because even if i sometimes fight with them i know i have a family that cares for me and sweet friends, i wouldnt be here in some time. I feel like an attention whore and a victim but i hate having to keep it all for myself and know no one will do anything, or think im satisfied with how i am. My parents tell me i should be proud of who i am and all the things i earned by myself, but truth is, i wish i werent so fucking useless. I can never remember anything properly, and im too anxious most of the time. I despise myself and i really hope this feeling washes away soon, because i cant tolerate not managing to do anything because i would much rather lay in bed and do nothing due to my own insecurities.

[prettyboykatsuki]

Hii plz just ignore this if you’re uncomfortable or reply to it if you'd like to reply I really would appreciate it but I just need to get some stuff out of my chest

I feel so so bad I just cant see whats the point in my life anymore I feel as if Im just consuming and not giving anything in return I feel useless I dont know how to take a joke or how to make one I dont know how to express my feelings and emotions properly and people keep getting the wrong ideas and Im tired of explaining anything to anyone and I feel as if all of my friends aren’t really there like Im just a passing person on their life I keep losing people and I keep leaving people afraid of them leaving me sometimes and I dont get what the hell is wrong with me sometimes I wish I was never born or if I were someone else but then again I wish I had the power to keep moving and make my life better but I cant even do that I study day and night and I dont get the grade that I want while some people I knew spends their whole life on social media and they are getting full grades literally I feel like Im useless in every aspect of life and I know I shouldn’t be complaining and there are people who have it worse but I really needed to get that out of my chest and I can’t trust anyone of the people I know to tell them all of this also Im going through exams and shit so I just feel really pressured and all

Anyway thank you if you wasted your time reading this or not it doesn’t matter but I really enjoy your writings as well they make me feel alive so thank you for existing🩵

hello!

i thought for a long time today on how to reply to this. or if i should. get asks like this that are triggering can be very tricky to navigate, because on one had it is hard for me. and on the other, i care and have sympathy for you. and i think sometimes, it is easier to reach out to stranger about how you feel than people you love. so i would never blame you for that, or want to make you feel worse.

mostly, i want to say i am unqualified to help you completely. because im just a person who's live a vague concept of a life. take my words with a grain of salt.

i think the most important thing for you to remember is that everything you are experiencing is temporary. and i dont say that to dismiss you, but because i think it worth examining everything in your life and thinking that when it gets to be too much. you are worrying about so much at once, but you'll disillusion yourself in that process.

suffering, pain, excitement, joy. these are all very temporary things to feel, even when they seem like they'll go on forever. they are big, abstract concepts that will torment you near relentless if you let them. the only thing that you have with you concretely, is what you are able to do right now.

i wont tell you that life will immediately get better because to make a life that doesn't make you suffer takes so much time. it is so much work to build a good life and it is constant work - but never impossible. but i think it will quell the pain a little to take a deep breath and slow down to process what you're experiencing, which is a big brush of hopelessness that is so encompassing.

everything feels hopeless because you trying to tackle everything all at once. to me, it doesn't sound like you want to die. it sounds like you want it to be easier. it sounds like you want to burden the lessen, which ultimately means you desire a life. and you sound like you're trying very hard to do that all while worrying about everything else at the same time.

i dont know if i have any advice for you. any good advice, but if i could urge you do anything - it would be to take a deep breath and remember it will pass. it always does. and after that, sort your problems out one by one. and once you've done it, pick the thing that is most urgent that you can change, and start to work towards it. do it slowly and try to keep everything else out of your mind.

if you fail, forgive yourself. you have to forgive yourself. sometimes, the only thing you are able to do is live. or try to live. that doesn't make you useless. no human beings worth is measured by what they can and cannot do. you wouldn't love someone based on what they do but who they are.

and maybe you don't like who you are. maybe your friends aren't the right fit. maybe it will be lonely for a while. you can change it. you can find something new or maybe it will teach you to like your own company. it will pass and you will come out of the other side. but the only way to change those things is to try, and sometimes fail, and to forgive yourself after that and then try more. the world is not ending you just have to take it one day at a time.

it will be fine because everything passes unwillingly. and eventually this will just be another bad day. you're not useless. give yourself some grace for trying. and i hope it gets easier.

[notetosunshine]

too self aware

every possibility has been thought of in my mind.

"I think my friends hate me"

You have all right to be upset. But it could just be your bipolar depression. Maybe you're having an episode. Remember the things your friends have done for you? How could they hate you? Or what if they're only keeping you around because you're funny? You bring more burdens than benefits. They're not like that though. Like lets be real, no one does what they do for you to people they dont like. But what if people thought those things before they found out their friends hated them? youre not unique. if you were pretty you wouldnt feel this way. how would they treat you if you were pretty? what would they say? would things change would i change and they hate me for it? this is all just chatter in your brain and you dont actually believe any of this. but what if some of it is true? do you think they really care? how do i console them? i dont know how to be a good friend. Another reason as to why they may hate you. they dont hate you. they even like you. will we even last forever? would they cry if i killed myself? youre being dramatic. youre making yourself upset. you dont believe any of those things and once your level headed you'd realize how it doesn't even make sense. stop overthinking. but you can never know anyones true intentions. you hear people put up with people they hate and kill them in the end or cheat on them or ghost them. they were friends with them for so long and finally had enough. when will they have enough of you? youre disposable. when the friendship breaks apart where will you go? no one wants to talk to you outside of a groupchat. how come? no one asks you questions or comes to you for advice because youre useless. you should literally like so hashtag kill yourself but like dont. im so tired. i dont understand anything. what if you just stop talking to them? maybe give them another petty stupid test and get mad when they stop asking or caring and then drag it out further, ignore them for longer until they cave in and check on you and then your sick little mind gets affirmed and you talk to them again. boy who cried wolf. loveed that movie. yeah anyways your friends dont hate you. they may hate each other though. but whatever. thats another days panic.