#and it makes me emotional seeing so many people trying to educate themselves and trying to integrate said nuance into their perspectives

[exoexid]

i won't let anyone tell me ever again that my history degree is useless. i won't allow anyone to say that humanistic and social sciences don't count under capitalism, and aren't able to help us all """progress""", or bring significant changes to our reality. we are seeing the roots of the "no one of us can be free until everybody is free" quote (thank you maya angelou!!), and how it all comes down to learning and studying and listening to our past and the people all around the world affected by a (western established) multifaceted system that is failing now more than ever because thanks to social media and the global connection it's giving to all of us it cannot look away anymore. a system (and its enablers) that slowly but surely are being exposed and forced to take responsibility in such a impactful and inescapable domino effect.

you start by reading about i/p and then you find yourself reading and informing yourself about yemen. about the ethnocide of the uyghurs. about armenia. about sudan and tigray and the congo. about why namibia is responding to germany. about south africa, and about the numerous human rights violations north american first nations have been suffering for centuries (about the residential schools, about how many reserves don't have clean drinking water...). about thousands of refugee camps and dangerous migrations and why people risk their lives to cross the mediterranean.

it all comes down to caring, even if just a little bit, about things that happened not too long ago actually. in history terms some of them practically happened yesterday. it's beautiful to see so many people fighting for justice and for a better future, but that can only be achieved if we know our past. one of our uni professors used to tell us that we don't study history because of that saying about how a society that doesn't know its past is condemned to repeat it, but because the day might come in which someone might try to deny a fact or event that definitely happened and definitely affected some group of people, and we have to be able to identify it and correct it. we have to be able to identify if oppressive tactics of any kind are being established and pushed again, even if they aren't exactly as they used to be (because they never are) to stop them. we are here thanks to our ancestors, and we owe it to them. we cannot, we mustn't forget.

[bluegekk0]

I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

[intheholler]

Do you have any tips for being more comfortable using your natural accent in front of people? I was bullied for it as a kid and scrubbed my accent away through teenhood. As an adult, I feel like I still have to put on a neutral accent so people at work won't judge me. I told one of my old bosses that I was from Appalachia and he went on about how he'd seen do many documentaries on Appalachia and what good people we were, but also added that "Wow! I never would have known. You don't have an accent at all. You're so well-spoken!" and it felt bad. I think he had good intentions, but it made me feel like a zoo animal. I always see comments on other Appalachian folks' posts about their accents too, and there's always a handful of jerks who have to say something about their intelligence or make an incest or drug addict "joke".

It all hurts a lot and makes me self-conscious, but I don't want to be this way around my friends. Do you know how I can stop letting peoples' ignorance and classism get to me? Worrying about how I pronounce words or if I'm using region-specific slang all the time is so exhausting.

hi there <3 this is a topic near n dear to my heart because i spent so much of my life trying to avoid sounding appalachian, and the last few years of it desperate to sound so aggressively appalachian that yankees can't understand me, lmao.

that is all to say: this is gonna be long as usual.

first: class solidarity, family <3 this stuff really sucks.

what inspired me to push past the discomfort of using my natural accent after a lifetime of getting rid of it was actually along the lines of what you mentioned: people being shocked that i could be from appalachia, and be articulate at the same time. there are so many nasty, hurtful implications there.

i hate to say it, but there's no easy answer to this.

something in me just… snapped one day about ten years back. i started to look inward, and i discovered this overwhelming pride and passion and love for my home that i had denied myself my whole life, out of fear over how it made me look.

i started doing the self-work and digging deeper into that. it wasn't comfortable, but once i embraced appalachia, i wanted to defend her. the best way to do that for me was to be loud. my pride in where im from outweighed the rest.

maybe you should start there, too. look inward, break down your own subconscious biases about yourself and about our home. find out why you have been made to think this way.

work on loving the appalachian parts of yourself. GET. FUCKING. ANGRY. at those who poisoned your mind with this shit, and use that fury to work on dismantling the beliefs they imposed upon you.

because why shouldn't we talk like our mamas just because some asshole thinks its funny? why should we give up ties to our community and culture, just to be respected? why should every blessed conversation be emotionally and physically taxing just to make a classist more comfortable?

it isn't my shame to carry, and it isn't yours. it is their shame, and their self-work to do. it is not our responsibility to coddle their ignorance. that is on them.

now, when someone hears me talk, it causes a sort of dissonance that they then have to wrestle with. it shifts the discomfort and emotional labor away from me, and puts it on to them instead.

every time i speak proudly, they have to confront themselves and their biases, and how it harms someone that they respect--you.

and if they aren't the kind of person empathetic enough to do that, literally who gives a shit what someone like that thinks about you.

turn those 'jokes' they make about it right back on them:

why is drug addiction funny? why is incest and sexual assault of children funny? why are underfunded schools and a failure to give children across the nation a fair and equal education something to laugh about?

framing it in my mind that i was taking back control in conversations this way helped me speak more comfortably. it made me feel empowered.

i think of it like this: by speaking in my dialect and embodying positive and "unexpected" traits from the region (leftist politics, anti-racism, things like that), i reclaim my power. i use that power to slowly shift the opinions of appalachia with the people i interact with.

it was scary, and it's still scary. but by making a conscious decision every day to speak in our dialect and be courageous even when it's hard, we are reclaiming the parts of ourselves that they took from us. we are bettering the image of the region we love so dearly.

it is INCREDIBLY empowering now to settle into my accent. but it took a LOT of self-work, courage and self-respect to be able to do it.

it ain't easy. i do still struggle with it; i catch myself code switching all the time. i don't think you or me or any of us trying to reclaim our accents will ever fully escape the weight of the classism that dictated our manner of speaking for a huge chunk of our lives, unfortunately.

but if you do that difficult work, it is so, so liberating, family.

you can do it. talk to yourself when you're home alone. let the accent get comfortable again on your tongue. start there, then let that beautiful dialect out for the world to hear <3

[torimidori2-blog]

I'm poly, and I keep getting people who don't understand what the difference between polyamory, open relationships, and cheating, so let this be an educational moment for all the mono people out there.

Polyamorous is when someone is attracted to or in a relationship with more than one person at the same time. This is all with consent from everyone involved. A group of poly people who are dating are called a polycule. Just like regular monogamous relationships, poly relationships can consist of romantic, platonic, sensual, and sexual attraction, and can even be done with people who are aspec (on the ace spectrum).

An open relationship is when someone is attracted to more than one person, but the person who you're dating isn't attracted to the people you date. For example: if the relationship started of monogamous, and you decide you want to open the relationship in order to cater to a specific need that your current partner can't provide, that means you and your partner can see other people outside of your relationship with consent from your partner. Just like poly people, this can also be done between people who are aspec and you could have different reasons for wanting another separate relationship, whether you need a sensual, sexual, romantic, or platonic/queer platonic relationship. In my opinion, I think open relationships should be a last resort after communicating with your partner enough to where you both realize that your relationship needs aren't being met, but you still care enough about each other to still want to be together.

Cheating is when someone in a committed relationship sees other people without consent from their significant other(s). The reason why cheating is bad, is not because they're dating someone else, it's because you trusted them to not break the boundaries of the relationship by seeing other people, and they did anyway.

Even if you're in a poly relationship, you can cheat because if you didn't trust your partners enough to tell them that you're interested in seeing someone else and it breaks their boundaries and makes them feel violated and uncomfortable, that's cheating. It's also a danger to the polycule because they don't know the person you brought in and they weren't aware of you bringing them in. Why would you not tell your cule who you're dating when they're usually comfortable with letting more people in? For all we know, they could hurt the cule, or hurt you, or they could be hiding something themselves.

Someone who tells you that their actually poly after they got caught cheating is a blazing red flag. Cances are, they're just trying to find a valid excuse to cheat and get away with it. Someone who tells you that they want to open a relationship before sorting out the issues in their current relationship is a blazing red flag. Especially if you have a solution to the problems that you're facing, and it could've been solved through negotiating with your partner.

To be honest, as a poly person, I don't understand why cheating is a thing. For one, it could be because being monogamous is the societal norm, and seeing other people is a means of trying to secretly bypass that norm, but I don't think thats the case seeing that there is a whole cheating culture that proudly says that they like to cheat and gloat about how many people they play on a constant basis. It could be the fact that people just think that emotions are a game to be played with, or it could be some sort of insecurity that they have with the relationship they started before they decided to cheat. But fr, can someone tell me the reason why people cheat? I don't understand, and I need a real valid answer. Not some "They were boring and I don't like them anymore." because you can either do one of two things there, break up with them, or talk to them about how you feel and tell them what you want from them moving forward.

[writers-vlogx]

A truth that took me eight years to accept

Something that I think others should know, I'm trying to convey a lot of mixed emotions into words so others don't feel as alone as I did

This post is by absolutely no means planned to stay up for long but mainly to get these thoughts out of my head because I truly believe I am not alone and it took me eight years to realize that.

I struggled with hating the color of my skin for a long time, I grew up in America, I lived a very small portion of my life in Mexico.

But the point is I have lived in the United States for almost my whole life, and with that I watched and consumed media that was seen only from one perspective.

Around my pre teen and teen years I educated myself a lot In culture, and in the movements that were happening and are still happening right now like blm, and the LGBT, feminism, organizations, mental health, almost everything that I could get my hands on. Because I wanted to be able to be as educated as possible, I heard about representation and the need that there was for it.

However I never thought I would find myself being part of the group that lacked representation. Around the time I was growing up when I was a kid I saw movies like the princess and the frog and pocahontas and I became obsessed with those movies, wanna know why? It wasn't because of the plot but because I could see people that didn't look like me but close enough right? Growing up and consuming all this media I didn't see people like me on screen, and I hated myself for it, I hated the way I looked, I hated my culture, and my language, I pretty much rejected who I was because of the views of the people around me

( I grew up in Texas and with a family that they themselves were racist towards themselves)

Watching wakanda forever and seeing tenoch play the role of namor, seeing the scenes that were made so well, seeing encanto come out and the truth around family, seeing the truth of colonization from the wakanda film and many other films and series that did not portray my people as just drug dealers.

Made something In me change, it made me realize how long I had spent hating myself, for something that was never wrong to begin with. Being able to look at myself in the mirror for the first time and not degrade myself for the color of my skin, being able to speak my language and be comfortable with it.

Being able to realize that I love my culture and where I come from but that I still have a lot to unlearn and a lot to heal, to finally be able to see myself represented and realize how much I truly needed to see representation of my people and show that I can make it in life as an actor, seeing people like me be famous rich and be able to achieve my dreams made me have hope that I can do the same because I saw others that could. I saw them in news papers, in magazines, in articles, as toys and seeing people like them.

I think a big thing for me to add is that while I saw other movies and shows with representation, for whatever reason it was this one movie, this one actor that changed everything and I see this As a huge thing because it truly shows how one person can make a huge change even if it doesn't seem very big

And while all of this is true I feel sadness because I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell that little boy that he didn't need to stop playing in the sun and that no I did not need to look up how to make my skin lighter and that no clothes did not look bad on me because of my skin tone.

I choose to share this and post it because if even one person identifys with one of the things I've said even if for me this is very embarrassing to admit as well as being extremely vulnerable, realizes that there was never anything wrong with them, then it's worth it to me. Because I am healing of years of internalized racism and colorism and if I can reach just one person to not go the same path I went it'll be worth it.

[055u4ry]

Submitting a couple of characters bc I’m curious, and bored. Gonna go for the obvious: Himura Kenshin. And Saito Hajime from the same anime. And (rolls dice) Eve Polastri from Killing Eve.

(also, if you’re up for it, could I get an assessment of my dude Book/Granada Holmes? Dunno how familiar you are with him though, lol)

First of all thanks for actually playing, no one ever sends me anything so this is fun.

Kenshin was my husbando for many years. It was love at first sight, the first time I saw the Toonami commercial for Rurouni Kenshin I knew I would love it. Thematically it hits all my favorite tropes. Kenshin as a character is unusual because he genuinely cares about others to the point of self-sacrifice, and he has to constantly tame that tendency. He’s not educated but he’s incredibly self-aware and is constantly trying to be a better person than he was the day before. He’s very humble despite having what is often described as “god-like” strength, though when he loses his cool you really see that rage come through, the rage of a man who lost both parents to disease and was sold into slavery before being essentially forced into the mold of a martial artist. The rage of a man who’s seen war and who’s killed. He’s able to mostly keep that rage at bay by living in the moment and surrounding himself with found family, but it’s the one vice he has trouble with. Poor baby needed therapy lol. But aside from that undealt-with rage he’s everything a real modern man is not and that’s why I was/am so enamored with him. He’s kind, intelligent, humble, wise, empathetic… he’s how many men see themselves but actually aren’t in reality. So definitely Smash lol.

Saito is interesting because he did nothing for me as a teenager but the older I get the more I like him. He always had a cool, aloof appeal but nowadays it’s sexier, and his whole aku zoku zan philosophy becomes more understandable the older one becomes as well. The main thing I like about Saito is how shrewd/smart he is- he doesn’t let anyone play him. He has trouble showing emotions but again these guys were soldiers and warriors so it’s understandable and even a little endearing. I can sympathize with life making you an aloof asshole lol. Of course deep down he’s not really an asshole, he just cares a lot about justice, which by extension means he cares about people, whether he’d admit it or not. I’d give him a Smash rating as well.

Eve is difficult because I (regrettably) haven’t seen much of Killing Eve. It’s one of those shows that has been on “my list” for a long time. I do think Sandra Oh is attractive as fuck though. She has a soft aura but seems like an emotionally strong person. Based on the actress alone she gets a Smash, and I have a feeling I’d still say that if I knew the character more.

I’m not very familiar with Holmes (though I have always wanted to read the original books). The only version of him I am familiar with is Data’s portrayal of him in Star Trek: The Next Generation (and Data always gets a Smash rating from me, not that he’d know what “smashing” was lol). Based on that portrayal and my penchant for stoic, logical men I’d probably say Smash though.

@gryphius-ginzberg you seem to get my taste in characters pretty well!

[partyp]

I was thinking random thoughts…

We often talk about how young royals give the audience the liberty to have their own interpretations of things. Which is wonderful and very true. To me, for example, the cross necklace and its symbolism, can also speak to many people in one specific way. I like to think that even if Wilhelm wouldn’t have been a prince, and if he would’ve had the same social status as Simon, but raised in a conservative and very religious family, things would’ve been quite the same. (Rojda also slightly mention it in the permanent rain press interview that “those families aren’t that different”.)

Maybe people have a hard time to connect with royalty (ofc who could ever?) but if you come from a modest family where a conservative education was the norm you definitively can relate to Wilhelm more, even if he’s a prince. The prohibitions, indoctrinations, the taboos, the alienation, and the lack of freedom isn’t something to overlook that easily. Especially when it comes to teenage hood. They are in fact children…

I believe that a regular queer teen who’s coming from a conversative, or religious family can see themselves in him; the back and forward, the “I want this, but I’m scared of the consequences” while trying to figure themselves out in that short period of time, isn’t that unusual. So talking about Wilhelm’s behavior as if he’s the worst human in the world because he’s a bit lost, torn and need time to even understand what’s happening to him, is not only unfair to him but also to all of those teens who can relate to that complicated state of mind of: “I know I’m not allow to, but I want it so bad”.

The overlook and the gaslight only make them feel even more shameful, failures and not deserving to want to feel or even imagine to love because they’re not “free” yet. As if it isn’t life experiences that makes one grow. Hurt and being hurt is part of life. Even with best intentions and kind words one can unfortunately hurt another individual. So it’s maybe time to put all of this in perspective and accept the way life and social interactions function in reality. Same goes to those broken promises that we were sure and deeply wanted to respect, but couldn’t, the deep regrets, the frustration, all those human emotions that will make one a better person one day, but for now, life is about mistake and lessons and its definitively okey that way too.

I get that it could be hard to fully understand or relate to people when we’ve always grew up in “the privilege of freedom and tolerance” how cloud we really? But make it sound like it’s easy to be rebellious when you always have been free to be, is quite insensitive, dismissive and let’s be real kind of ironic. It gives: if it was me, I would’ve done it better. No, your free self might’ve done it in a different way or think that you would’ve done it better (but no proof that you even would’ve succeed), which is absolutely not the same btw.

The condescending pov only shows the lack of comprehension about Wilhelm character, but that’s okay I guess, and not quite new. So maybe if it’s hard to feel empathy for a privilege prince (which is valid I guess), maybe try to think about those teens on those countries where queerness isn’t allowed, watching young royals at home. They all know what is right and what is wrong, how Wilhelm’s constant indecisive behaviour isn’t fair to the one he is in love with, how they also can definitely see themselves break because of their parents and the deep fears of consequences, and yet… the need to try, to feel, to naively hoping that they never will have to justify themselves to the world only for living and loving while being in that specific situation, might make them become the Wilhelm of their own story..

The thing is, even if you grew up in an open family, the queer journey is a journey by itself, unique to each individual and absolutely doesn’t mean that things are less complicated, because it’s not. But I also like to think that one doesn’t need to relate to someone to be able to feel empathy, and no .. definitely not: being out in a supportive environment isn’t still the norm around the world and yes.. definitely yes: it’s a privilege.

Some teens have all their high school years to try to figure themselves out, to gain some sort of psychological freedom, seeing that things can be different of what they’ve always been told at home, and yet don’t finish their journey at the end of it, because it’s never that simple, especially when it’s deeply integrated in you. And here we have Wilhelm (yes failing several times, but keep trying step by step to unlearn what an old, complex, and heavy institution has made of him) still be able to make one deeply angry because he couldn’t done in 3 months something that can take a lifetime to someone else. 3 months .. season 1 gave us a period of 3 months, and here we are talking about how much of a coward, crying baby and selfish bitch is Wilhelm to not being able to shake off 16 years of a peculiar and heavy education: “do better wille!!! get your shit together wille !! No.. please.. YOU do better, I beg.

We know that s2 Wilhelm is here to break is chains and fight back, but let’s face it, this is a luxury that not everyone can afford. But in some way, I like to think that it may also give hope and some sort of satisfaction to those teens that aren’t in that place yet. The things is .. it’s not unusual when someone who was so much restrain in everything in their life that once they flip: it goes on the extreme way.

And I’m absolutely not surprised that Wilhelm journey turns out that way. That being said, I’m not worrying because while the revenge plot can make Wilhelm completely lose himself, the “fighting for his great love” will bring a balance in it. Also, I love to think that he does it also for himself, especially for himself, giving the audience who can relate to him once again: hope and satisfaction. “Maybe for now it can’t be me, but seeing someone doing it brings me comfort” sort of.

And for that you don’t have to be queer, you can only relate with the deep willing to break free of a strict and suffocating education which gives Wilhelm journey even more depth than bringing his crush back or to get revenge on someone. (Even though I do realize that those 2 things are the only ones that keep him “alive” right now)

But I’m also aware that Wilhelm is naked.. whatever he does, say or not say, he’s in a public eye and people allow themselves to have opinions and often harsh ones.

Because people see Wilhelm’s life and life events in the media, they might think they know him or understand what he’s going through, how he feels, or that they can guess his thoughts: but this is an illusion. S2 won’t be about a random rebellious teen phase, but rather become some sort of a reality show where people who are absolutely not concerned by it will give their opinion, projecting and judging harshly something that they could never understand even if they try very hard to intellectualize it.

Personally I’m all here for it: “Wilhelm, your goods and your mistakes will be even more deeply lurk and criticize. Be aware that whatever you decide to do you’ll never fully “win” or being “right”; so.. thinking that way, the best thing for you to do, it’s just go for it, because even if people will have opinions about you, YOU on the other hand have only one god: Lisa Ambjörn”

(lmao I’m so dramatic)

[rin-and-jade]

...can i ask for some advice?

We have lots of system friends that are pretty much 100% sure that we're plural. And I want to believe them, because it makes so much sense with like, everything. It genuinely feels so right. But if I have headmates they don't reveal themselves or talk to me or anything. And it makes it really hard to believe I'm not just placebo-effecting myself or smth :/

Any advice on not feeling like I'm lying to myself and the world at large? Or maybe help with communication? Or both? Please?

(also while my native language is English I'm visiting family who don't speak much and it's rubbing off, I'm aware this is written kinda clunky sorry 😭)

I can give advices on communication and the particular issue of "lying to the world", which sounds closer to imposter syndrome, here is the general guide (and older post here) for it though you can come to me for a personal approach to fix it.

There must be a reason your alters are not active, so far the details has been general so i cannot pinpoint a specific answer to solve this. Will still try to figure them out though:

Poor communication One reason you might not be able to contact others is because of needing to practice. The skill with communication isn't always natural, as how some might imagine. For starters, take your time to notice certain emotions that comes up, or subtle thoughts lingering, and politely ask if anyone is near, see if anything changes.

Fear factor Some might retreat after being found out of it's disorder or existence, it might be wise to approach this gently by assuaging any worries that may arise that caused them to avoid contact at the first place.

Not ready for the reveal I've worked with people where alters are not ready to meet or see them due to "fear of panicking" or due to the negative reaction/aftermath which could cause a mess, so to remedy this, it would be educating yourself slowly and understand as much as you can, and shoo away the doubts. This will make you seem more ready and prepared to brace the truth.

Fight and flight state Given with the total innactivity, it can also come from the fact that your state of mind is interfering the flow of other parts influencing or be aware of the situation, this is because most system activities happen within the rest and digest state (very complicated and this is the easiest way to describe it). This means you have to create a more effective plan for bring your parasympathetic response back up again. Many suggestions and steps are on the internet, i even have my own post right here if you'd like to see.

This is all i got for now, i think there's a deeper issue to this, so please contact me gia DMs when youre ready--remember to refer this link when you do meet me later!

See you, goodluck.

- j

[missmentelle]

Hi. I am wondering how someone like you or people in similar professions cope with so much pain from other people? I imagine most people who choose these kinds of professions are people with high empathy and people who want to help other people. But the fact that you just can’t help everyone, when you see how much pain and suffering so many people are in, isn’t it hard to bear? Or actually, you can’t really help anyone, you can only try to be there and be a sort of guide in what they themselves decides they want to heal/change. You can’t MAKE anyone heal, in the end it’s all up to them, no matter how much you want to and try to. How do you detach yourself from their pain and the outcome, when at the same time you need to be empathetic and invested in their life and emotions? What do you tell yourself? How does one manage that balance of not either becoming indifferent and shutting off empathy or become consumed by their emotions and worrying sick for them and wanting to interfere? I find it really difficult to cope with. (I’m not in this profession but I have considered it, this is just a big problem for me) It pains me a lot when people around me are hurting, even watching/reading/hearing news is so difficult for me that I avoid it, because I just want to make it better and help somehow but I can’t, not enough at least. Because I’m the end I need to leave it up to themselves.

To be honest, after nearly a decade in this field, the thing I struggle the most with is not the people who don't want to be helped - people have the right to make their own decisions, and I can make peace with that. What I really struggle with is seeing the many, many people who desperately want help, but have no opportunity to receive it.

I have worked with homeless and insecurely-housed youth for most of my career. I have watched many, many youth that I have cared about cause a lot of harm to themselves and others, despite doing my best to give them support and connect them to the right resources. You are absolutely right - you cannot make someone heal, and sometimes people are simply not in a place where they are ready to start the healing process, or even to start thinking more critically about their actions and experiences. Sometimes, people never get to that point - I have known a lot of people who did not get to live to see 25. That's an enormously painful and heavy thing. I remember the name and face of every youth I have ever lost, and there are countless more that I worry about all the time, even if I am no longer part of their lives.

It's not easy to cope with that kind of pain, but I find (I think) healthy ways to manage it. I do have to remind myself that it is not my role to save people; it is my role to do the best I can to provide the best support I can for whatever amount of time I have with a person, and I think I do that for all the folks that I work with. The support that I can give to a young person is not nothing, even if their stories do not have happy endings - if I can give a young person even a single day where they felt listened to and heard, even if I could not solve the problems, that is a worthwhile thing. My goal is not to steer people toward "good" decisions - my goal is to offer accurate information and a space for people to think critically about their decisions, and make informed choices about the decisions and risks that they feel are best for them. I am at peace with the work that I personally do with the clients I work with.

What I am not at peace with is the system I work within. For every client I work with who simply doesn't want help, I have dozens who are screaming out for it and are unable to get it. At the moment, I manage a short-term residential program for youth in crisis. The youth we work with have so many needs - they need housing. They need stability. They need a mental health appointment that isn't eight months away. They need reliable access to their prescriptions. They need educational and employment opportunities that are meaningful to them, with the supports they need to succeed. And for most of them, those basic supports are simply... not available. It doesn't matter how ready and eager the youth is; waitlists for basic services are months or even years long, and there's just nothing that any one individual worker can do to fix that overnight. It is not realistic to expect a person to make huge progress with their mental heath while they are living on a cot at an emergency housing program, cared for by a constantly-revolving cast of strangers, and yet that is what our system requires of its most vulnerable young people. Our system is pointlessly cruel, and benefits almost nobody. That part, I struggle with a lot.

As far as working in the field goes, I now supervise a large team of other professionals, and these are feelings that I help my staff work through in their own practice. The best advice I can give to people in the helping professions - or people potentially interested in a career there - to maintain your own mental health in the face of so much suffering is:

Take breaks. Use single every minute of your paid time off. Sometimes you need to take a break from a particular setting or even from the field entirely; if you feel burnout or despair or nihilism starting to creep up on you, start looking for an exit route. There will always be more jobs in social work/healthcare/emergency response, etc, but there is only one you.

Have a life outside of helping. I can't work full-time in this field and also spend every spare minute of my free time on activism and volunteering in this field. Perhaps some people can manage that, but if I tried it, my rage would simply consume me. I need other hobbies and interests if I'm going to be a functional person - whether it's painting, Netflix, novels, working out, cooking, time with friends, sports, camping or cars, everyone needs something they just enjoy.

Have a good supervisor. Obviously this is easier said than done, but if you are working in a field where you are constantly exposed to others' suffering and trauma, you should expect to have a supervisor who is available to debrief, discuss, vent and provide helpful feedback on the work you're doing. Supervision needs to be a safe space where you can speak openly about your struggles. If you do not have a supervisor who is doing that for you, it might be time to start the hunt for a new, more supportive job.

Remember your role. If I task myself with personally saving the whole world and fixing all of the problems I will lose my goddamn mind. I think it's important to remind ourselves "This is my role, this is the support I can provide, this is how I will know that I am doing a good job". "Saving people" can never be the goal I assign myself; if my role is to have supportive conversations and make connections to resources, I need to remind myself that those are the things I need to evaluate myself on and that I am doing a great job by doing that well, even if I am not "fixing" the client's entire life.

Remember your clients' autonomy. I think it's actually incredibly harmful for people in the helping professions to entertain the idea that they can "save" people, or that the outcome of someone's life is all dependent on how they do their jobs - I think that harms the professional as well as the client. We need to remember that we are not there to make people's choices for them. If a client continues to engage in "high-risk" behaviour, but they are well informed of the risk and know where they can find information and resources on managing that risk, that is a successful outcome, even if it doesn't instinctively "feel" like one.

Compartmentalize. Going home after work and staying up all night worrying about my clients might seem like an empathetic thing to do, but it benefits no one - it doesn't change their circumstances and just burns me out faster, leaving them with less support. Obviously we are all human and it can be hard to "switch off" concern and thoughts about clients after leaving work, but I think it's a skill that is important to develop over time. It might feel cold to think "okay, it's 5:05, no more thinking about clients until 9am tomorrow", but doing this allows me to be more effective in the hours that I am actually available to provide support.

I would honestly encourage anyone in the helping professions who is struggling to seek mental health support for themselves. Many therapists have their own therapist. It is, truthfully, not easy to process the sheer amount of pain and suffering we see on a daily basis, and I think it's actually very important for all of us to seek the appropriate professional help with it, and not simply "suck it up" and push away our own pain because our clients are suffering more. And, ultimately, this profession is just not for everyone. Some people are able to do this work and still enjoy their own lives, but some people simply are not, and there is absolutely no shame in admitting that to yourself. It is okay to realize that being exposed to that level of pain every day will harm you, and that that's not something you're able to take on - there are ways to help that don't involve such constant direct exposure to human misery, and we all need to keep ourselves healthy before we are able to help others. Hope this answers your question! MM

[libbee]

Life lessons and astro lessons

Parents who traumatize you don't really intend to traumatize you. I have moon in 8th house; my parents were emotionally and psychologically abusive. Throughout my teenage, I was just tolerating a lot. I held a lot of resentment against my parents for traumatizing my development years. But now I realize that my parents didnt know what they were doing. They thought they were disciplining me and making me a good person. They did not know healthy ways to talk, punish and raise children. It is hard to swallow but it is the truth.

Not everyone will get their karma. I have seen a lot of people committing infidelity, financial crimes, lying, manipulating, abusing others but they do not face any setbacks. They go on living comfortable lives. Conversely, if an 8th house native tries to copy them, he will face karmic consequences, disease or being exposed in public or public image tarnished or career setbacks. 8th house placements keep giving you karmic lessons but a lot of people without 8th house placements feel no consequences at all. For eg, I saw man cheating on wife but his public image is flawless. People even call him "so innocent and modest man".

You have to unlearn a lot of things you were taught since childhood. Unless your parents and surroundings were spiritual and self aware, the fact is you would be acting our unconsciously things you learned directly or indirectly growing up. Once you realize that everything you were told was wrong, you start to unlearn everything and relearn things using your own thought process, self reflection, psychological education and mindfulness.

Although ethics and morality are called subjective in universal basis (sometimes even legal. For eg, adultery is legally punishable is some countries but not in others), however on karmic plane, all actions have their consequences. It is simply fatalism, cause and effect, domino effect. It is very hard to figure out what actions cause what consequences but suffice to say that your inner conscience tells you when you have done something wrong or right.

How others see you and how you see others is your "perception". You perceive your parents, partner, friends. You don't objectively see them how they are. You only see them from your own perspective. Different placements have different perspective. Water placements are emotional and deeply feelings based. In personality disorders like BPD, the person does not perceive himself and others in a right manner. He is intensely emotional and acts on his feelings.

Most of us act "right" because we fear consequences of doing wrong. If there were no consequence at all, not many people would choose to act right. There is no such thing as unconditional love. Parents and partner love you because they want emotional needs, want good karma for themselves and don't want to face the consequences of neglect/abuse (society saying "look, he doesn't provide for his wife/family).

Conmen are not always doing crimes, doing frauds, being players. Most conmen are in your family and surroundings. Many people use spiritual wisdom and rote memorize one liners, philosophy liners, spiritual liners to impress others and present a fake persona. For eg, many times people who claim to be spiritual and doing self improvement are actually completely lying. Behind the scenes, they commit all sorts of bad things (smoking, drinking, cheating) but pretend to be so innocent, wise, spiritual and even convince you that they are so great. Beware of these conmen who play with your psychology.

Conflicts and disagreements are a part of life. Water placements people will benefit from knowing that they dont need to run from disagreements to avoid hurting their feelings. You are not supposed to be happy and friendly 24x7 with others. You are supposed to argue, self reflect and improve yourself.

Sometimes life seems to be meaningless nihilist. If you try to create a meaning in life, you can choose to. Most of the times, we find meaning in life because our actions directly and remotely impact other people. For eg, if a kid gets good scores in exam, his parents will be happy, he will get awards, etc. If he gets into good college, his career will improve, his actions will impact his friends, etc. If he starts doing job, he will impact lifestyle of his family, productivity of his nation, his job will impact lives of other people. Doing things for other people gives a lot of meaning to life (and also this is how karma works).

10. There are some people who are genuinely good people, for eg. those who fit into "the innocent" archetype (many water placements natives who have matured and evolved are self aware and rightful in their actions). And then there are others who pretend to be good people because they know this is what the world wants to see. I personally find inauthentic people intolerable but it takes experience and brainwork to be able to spot fake people.

11. Astrology tells you about yourself, your life theme and time frame when things will happen in your life. You dont need to convince others that "astrology is real, astrology works, astrology is scientific etc". You see validation of truth of astrology when things happen in your life according to your chart. Every single person is living according to their charts; whether they understand astrology or not is their destiny. Most people are simply not meant for occult. No need to convince them or argue them.

12. Most of what you see in movies and media is lies. They are fantasy. They are idealism. Somtimes some passionate people make good movie or song as art but most of it is crap for money and benefits only. Even then, art really adds no value to your life except to 1. express your personality 2. manifest your symbolic mind 3. relax your stress and provide relief from chaos buzzing of life and 4. if you are a professional, yes it can add monetary value to your life too. But don't really trust movies and music. They are deceptive and Rahu illusions.

13. Some people are naturally funny. Sense of humor takes natural skills and practice. Air placements Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius can be really funny. They are the ones to write and act in sitcoms. Look up chart of your favourite comedian and see their sun and moon placements. I have Gemini moon and was the funniest clown in my class. I was totally silly and shameless comedian. Now I have sobered up though. 😉😉

[drowning-inmysleep]

love me while I leave. my persona yours to keep

“Maybe someday your 'maker' will come…haul you away, take you apart, and announce the recall of a defective product. What if all that's left of the 'real you' is just a couple of lonely brain cells, huh?”

[edit: 9.26.23] this has since been edited and updated a month post initial release, edits will be notated in red, feel free to skip them to read the original writing. [/] August 20th, 2023 I played my last show in a town (Austin, Texas) I moved to to be with my at the time girlfriend. We're separating now, as I'm returning home (Saint Louis, Missouri), the place I left behind. During my stay in Texas I had a hard time making friends, though that's not to say they weren't readily available. I intentionally avoided making them, partially because I was afraid of leaving them behind if anything were to change and call me back home. I have a crew of friends (Materia) in Saint Louis - the best I've ever had. When I moved, I wanted to take a leap and leave the place I'd spent my entire life, and try to fix my relationship by moving closer to them.

Leaving behind those who loved me so much was something that affected me in a way I wouldn't understand until much later. Saint Louis is one of the top rated most violent cities in the United States. Growing up there I normalized a lot of the things I saw and a lot of the trauma I gained from being in that environment. It's shaped me as a person, both good and bad. I got good at existing there, as I spent most of my teenage years in the inner city going to DIY shows.

Most of the shows were Emo / Screamo revival, and eventually that's where I started as a musician. I think Emo / Screamo music is so prevalent in the Midwest because the Midwest is a comfortable but at times very bleak and sad landscape. In the city you can see someone get murdered in front of you, and in the plains farmer's kill themselves because the world moved on without them. The veracity and unrelenting emotional outpour of these genres is some sort of ancestral representation of growing up somewhere like that. Paired with the ignorant approach to song writing / sound engineering, it represents the lack of educational opportunities whether it be due to generational financial issues or dismal public schools, paired with familial trauma from living here. It's pure.

I always dreamed of being a musician as a child, if anything it's the only dream I ever had. Once I started working on my solo project, I was having a hard time being booked in Saint Louis since there wasn't a scene for the music I made. So - I decided to make one for myself. That's how Materia came to be. I wanted to bring as many different people together as possible, so we formed the crew in a way that each member represented a different aspect of the Saint Louis music / night life community. Our first shows were in peoples basements, or shitty bars in the bad parts of town. Just like the DIY shows I started out in when I was 19. Over time Materia got big enough to where I finally became recognized as my solo project in my own city, but by the time it took hold I fear I was too jaded to appreciate it. Before Materia, I had been playing shows all over the country, and was recognized globally for what I made and what I was involved in. Even with that being said, playing shows out in places like LA and NYC revealed a dark reality to the dream I had. That reality being that even if you do blow up, the lifestyle of being a internationally recognized musician doesn't create a long-term sustainable lifestyle. What it can / inevitably will create, is a perception of you others hold based on your art and performance of it. At first it felt really cool to have people think I'm a celebrity of sorts, that I am the dark persona I portray in my music. Over time it felt less and less genuine, that being others opinions of me. As I got bigger I built up a slow poison of being paranoid people only saw me for my plays on soundcloud, follower count, or pre packaged brand I created for myself. Eventually that paranoia showed itself as not just being paranoia, it was partially true. A lot of the music and art I make is representative of the difficulty I've endured mentally. I spent most of my childhood/teen years disassociating and hiding away in MMORPGs. I felt more able to genuinely express myself in these digital worlds. In the real world I was being made fun of for looking like a girl, and being forced to fight others to just be left alone. I had to survive, and eventually I started fighting myself. I tried to kill myself multiple times.

These experiences alienated me in a way that my friends that did experience my breakdowns eventually distanced themselves from me, and I don't blame them for it. It's a lonely feeling. I try to replicate that in music, both that feeling of yearning for lost times / feelings of comfort felt in a video game, while knowing that those times are gone and they weren't that good of escape to begin with and - the feeling of knowing the damage you've caused. I can't listen to a lot of the music I've made in the past because it hurts too much, it's like reading a suicide note from a failed attempt. Jumping back to me now, a 28 year old DnB / Trance musician, I am pretty consistently swarmed with people praising and celebrating me. On one hand I really appreciate it, on the other it is the actualization of the paranoia mentioned above. My fans enjoy my music because what they earn from it, they have no idea what I was going through when I made it. I've been told I've helped people going through similar things that I went through as a teenager, and I love that. Last night at my final show in Texas, a genuine fan of mine expressed that I was a good example for them to follow as a trans woman. This is the case in which that paranoia I mentioned is not true.

As I had a hard time making friends in Texas, I also had a hard time getting booked or respected for who I am as an artist. Even though I'm arguably one of the biggest contemporary electronic artists in this city, a city in which there's so many shows it's oversaturated, I was hardly ever booked. This is similarly due to why I did not have friends, as I didn't want to have to put the work in again. I felt like I didn't need to, and that's my fault.

The show we threw last night in Texas was with my crew of people gathered semi randomly through hilariously unplanned circumstances. This crew is called Unreal.

Two months ago, someone on instagram hit me up and told me they had a generator, asked if I wanted to do a show. Through my jaded eyes I almost laughed at the idea, like sure, lets try and throw a show in 2 days. That person became one of my best friends almost immediately. It's like we were meant to of always known eachother. [edit.9.26.23] This friend has gone on to completely isolate themselves from me along with my ex, as they started to hangout only two days after I left. I guess that paranoia mentioned above bleeds into more than just fans right? These are two more people that proved to me they loved me for the caricature presented in my music more than the person I am in real life.

I will do my best to not let this further validate my paranoia of getting close with anyone who know me only as Manapool. [/] I grabbed a friend from a failed show in Texas, my girlfriend and lastly another who arguably was the only friend I had during the almost year I lived here. The first show was a success and we decided to do it again when my girlfriend returned from her trip to Europe. Last night was that show. I'd been working on a album that represented the dark place I'd been in for the past few months, mainly stemming from preparing to leave my partner. This project is called Mana no Uta, or The Song of Mana. While a genuine portrayal of the dark place I'd been in, it was also my attempt of taking a semi ironic genre (Nightcore) and making it painfully authentic. Nightcore is a genre that mainly takes pop songs and speeds them up, with the lyrics usually being romantic or broken hearted in subject manner.

Every now and then I come across a Nightcore version of a song that hits in a much more graphic way than it's origin. I have attempted to bottle that lightning into six songs, pushing their Maker to their nightmarish limit. In a way this circles back to my taste for being punishingly nostalgic. To me, real art not only moves you but haunts you. [edit: 9.26.23] While I genuinely loved my partner, this year I had spent living with them ended up doing an immense amount of psychological damage. I'm doing my best not to write about her in a negative light, but I consistently felt neglected. I wanted things to work, all in all that's why I sacrificed the life I had in Saint Louis in the first place. That feeling of neglection and failure to recognize the effort and love I'd given led to deep rooted feelings of resentment. Eventually this resentment bled into my perception of self, and in a way it poisoned me. I felt guilty for being unable to rid myself of these, regardless, I was constantly in a state of accepted defeat paired with anger at myself for leaving Saint Louis behind just to end up unhappy.

These feelings are what I wanted to represent in this album. Isolation paired with wishing you could salvage the love you have for someone while knowing it's already too deep.

It's part of you. I often felt sick. [/] I wanted people to feel sick listening to it, like you're at the club and you took too much ketamine but you can't go home. Or you're about to play a set but in a fight with your girlfriend. Everyone around you is having so much fun but you're not and you won't. Both the ketamine example and the ladder are things I've experienced in achieving the dream mentioned above. I don't want people to relate to this album. I want it to hurt them. Last night, I played the album in it's entirety as a parting gift to fans like the ones that said such sweet things to me last night. Me and my (now) ex-girlfriend got into a fight on the way to the show. It went over very well, and by the time the live performance phase of my set (Mana No Uta) was over, I began to cry as I transitioned into djing for the last portion of my set. I finished the set and tried to escape to go clear my head. On the way out someone gave me ketamine, I took some and went outside to be alone and get myself together after performing my most emotional piece yet. I wasn't really able to decompress, I kept thinking about how I'd be moving away from here and leaving everyone behind. As this is happening, I'm getting swarmed by people telling me they loved my set, complimenting me, celebrating me. I appreciated it but I wanted to be left alone. Performing that album felt like a instance of public self harm. I was literally going through what I wanted the album to represent. I was the character I created in the screenplay I wrote.

As the night ended the sadness I felt for leaving these new friends and my girlfriend overtook me. It scared me. I'm scared right now. But the worst part is it felt familiar. It felt exactly like leaving Saint Louis. These people will never leave my life permanently, but i'm leaving them behind. [edit: 9.26.23] I will most likely never engage with my ex-partner nor the friend mentioned in the last edit ever again. [/] To reiterate, as I'm realizing this and being consumed by it (at the show) people are coming up to me celebrating me. They're telling me how cool I looked. Telling me how amazing my set was. Telling me how much they love the character I play. I had just played the one of the most genuine sets of my life, and still at the end of it I didn't feel like they understood. My emotion was on my face, my true persona on my sleeve. My eyes were red from crying, my hands were shaking from amphetamines. Still I'm seen as the persona I sold them. Once you release your art to the world, it is no longer yours. The experiences people have listening to it are something I'll never fully understand, as they will never understand me. If they actually knew me, would they still be so impressed with what I've done? Who I've become? [edit: 9.26.23] Looking back on this writing and the album now that's it's finished, and now that i'm no longer in the heart of it's conceptual storm - I can truly say I am proud of what I made. I am most proud of being able to create something that had the emotional relevance that it could even put me in a situation mentioned at the end. In a way creating such a dark piece punished me and I will always love this album for that. I spent a lot of energy on making something that'd make the listener uncomfortable, and being the person to perform it made me just as uncomfortable. That's pure.With all that being said I don't feel as if I won't be able to listen to or play these songs out post release, as while it was based on the miasma I was in, I also wanted to make some dark club friendly Nightcore for the girls to grind to. Without:Me is my favorite song I've made in a very long time. I made it in one sitting on Umami's computer the day of Materia XX. The final song will most likely be the most difficult to revisit, however. I finished the song and then two hours later broke up with my girlfriend. It's titled: In Goodbye. [/]

[dojae-huh]

Just saw the JH "mistreatment" post and it's kinda funny? OP uses "other member" a lot of times but who is the member that has solo debut around the same time with him and has the exact solo date? Why do fans need BTS of photoshoot that much when it has nearly zero promotional value? Not all idol's photoshot has that content too. All the other things can be used universally for all members. The real question here: Who is NOT mistreated by SM if fans consider these thingd mistreatment? I'm okay with fans complaining but at least make it make sense.

Ngl I find it's super funny whenever I see a TYf complaining about "mistreatment" and I'm sure all normal Kpop fans feel the same. Another thing is that Idk why fans like the idea of idols leaving their company that much. How can they be sure the new one will be better? And can they be sure that their idols will receive the same level of treatment?

I had many a post on these two topics.

Complaining, venting is natural. Many people don't really mean what they say. For some, saying stuff out loud (in this case: writing down) helps to get rid of emotions or process them and move on. The problem on X is that one's account is not a small hole with a limited number of readers who know you how it used to be with LiveJournal, Facebook, even Tumblr to a degree. Every cough can be noticed by everwatchful eyes and given big importance.

Secondly, people copy others. Unconciously fans follow "the culture". And even those who normally wouldn't blame or complain, start to be sensitive as well. They are explained in detail how and in what way they should be offended for their bias, heh. Danger! Danger! Have you heard? Have you heard? Your bias is under attack! Hurry! Make haste! Be alarmed and panic! - Oh My God! What happened? Tell me what happened? - Awful things happened! SM didn't post about a future movie release half a year ago! Your bias suffers so much!

Fans project a lot and don't think things through, don't think about the bigger picture. It's very one layer for many. Sometimes it is nesessary to show people working behind the scenes for fans to realise that "huh, there other people than my bias who do work?".

SM is very messy internally, it's poorly organised, the work is not structured well, a lot of miscommunications among departments and responsible people. As I came to understand it is not SM's trait per ser. It is Korean reality. Moving buildings won't change the country. Going to a new company can be a better option for some artists but not for every case.

Fans like to pretend that their idols make themselves. In part it is true. Only those who want things and ask for them, get them in SM. However, it is SM that paid for their education (gave full scholarship with tuition and dormitory covered), debut and promotion (loaned them money for their start up, media coverage, and tolerated losses for several years), in many cases found them brand deals (side gigs in laboratories and institutes) and additional jobs like MC/model (gave them internships in other companies through connections).

Those who enter workforce know that most companies want either graduates from most prestigious unis (fancy diplomas) or 3-5 years of experience. Noone wants to teach a newbie from scratch, cover losses (from lower initial productivity, mistakes, broken things), invest in him both out of greed and in fear of losing the investment (when the employee leaves for another company).

Recently news broke about Hybe approaching and trying to pouch every SM employee from the creative department. Why look for new talents, wait till they mature, gain experience, when you just can buy them by offering higher salaries? Hybe does the same with staffing their groups. They don't raise trainees, don't pay for 4-5 years of vocal and dance lessons, they lure in already talented in something idol wannabees from other companies or areas. Or simply buy new groups (like 17).

Taeyong. Heh. A rose in a glasshouse. He is a rose, he is the one who has talents, but a rose that won't grow outside among weeds and pests.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3375

good news! i'm feeling a lot better!

more good news! i reapplied for healthcare through the government marketplace and i qualified for a discount!

more good news!! i have tomorrow off too!

so those were good things that happened today.

i also texted joel a little bit. i miss him. im gonna see him tomorrow.

my mom and i are also gonna make cookies before i go that direction tomorrow. sure i need gas and yeah i need to clean my room DESPERATELY, but cookies first. cookies, cleaning, packing, gas, joel's. actually getting some shit together to function. happy it's colder now so i can wear sweater dresses! so excited!!

oh also i got mad a minute ago because i was thinking about someone i know and how they claim they're more emotionally mature than most people they know, including me.

tw mental health from here on out. suffice it to say that said person is definitely incorrect and Needs Help.

they said that at least a year ago and it's still pissing me off because it's not true, but they're so deluded into thinking they have some sort of moral high ground because they have trauma? having trauma doesn't make you emotionally mature. it makes you traumatized. emotional maturity, in large part, is in what you do to take care of yourself when you are traumatized. it's in how you respond - not react - to adverse situations. it's in recognizing your feelings, finding out what they're there from, and coping with them in healthy ways. it's also in knowing when you need a therapist and not making excuses when you go to find one.

this person? none of that. they fly off the handle at the smallest inconvenience. constantly attempt to vent and break boundaries that i have long since set that they disrespect, also constantly. they do three minutes of looking into a therapist and then say "i don't know" and instead of - i don't know - trying to calm down and think it through, they just give up.

i'm familiar with personality disorders (minimally, i need to learn more about those) and i'm familiar with many other mental health issues which make it difficult to reach out for help, to calm down, to think things through. and i know it can be debilitating. (mental breaks, anybody? did i talk about that ever? because i had one of those lmao)

but it's less about the illnesses and disorders themselves and more that this person seems to prefer to wallow in misery than to do something about it or to change their situation. "learned helplessness" is what my therapist called it.

all of that combined especially with the habit of blowing things out of proportion, reacting wildly to things that should not cause such a reaction, and defying boundaries set in place make this specific situation taxing for me, and, i would hazard to add, toxic. so i do what i can to enforce my boundaries from my end, especially when this person doesn't respect them.

sigh.

thoughts? or advice? or materials to educate myself on things? all appreciated.

[cryiling]

17 PLEASESEEEEE

(ask game from here)

OFCOFCCC

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

ajdhajd so actually I have many wips 😭 I guess the most recent would be the one i am TRYING to write for revalink week but sadly it has literally no worldbuilding so I'm gonna use a more substantial wip..

let's talk abt my modern revalink hip hop au 😊

I've talked about this au quite extensively here and here, but recently I've been thinking more abt it 🫣 I've really considered making a playlist of all the songs I can imagine either revali or link doing a combo to, but I never got around to it SKFJSKF so I'll just talk abt it here

first of all, mr morale by kendrick lamar is definitely a revali song like?? especially that first part with the spoken intro, "it was one of the worst performances I've seen in my life, I couldn't sleep last night" AJDBAJFJ it sounds so mean but then the rest of the song is sort of conveying those emotions and I just feel like revali could really relate to it yk? also the beat goes hard ✋

next is silent hill by kendrick lamar and I think link would really slay this, despite what you might think I am not a kendrick lamar listener AJDBSJFN ok but I'm envisioning a very specific combo to this song that sadly I can't show you guys but it's very isolated and groovy and to the audience it looks laid back but it really takes so much precision and control to hit every beat and I'm just in love with it !!

ok this one is for revali, king's rant by masego, and I just think that honestly revali is a king that has many things to rant about and this song fits him perfectly, plus it gives him that opportunity to be a little more fluid with his movements while still retaining his more aggressive control 🙏

I FINALLY HAVE A VIDEO this one is for link 😊 u guys the attitude?? the control and precision but also in a way that keeps the flow?? the facial expressions?? this is literally how I imagine link would dance like slay 🤞

hm.. I seem to have deviated from the original prompt oops. OK let's get back on track

I just feel like revali is someone who is very passionate about the history of hip hop, like he thinks that people who start doing hip hop just because it's trendy or whatever aren't "real dancers" and he thinks they should be educated in hip hop's origin and stuff like that before they can call themselves a dancer. he's fr like my current dance teacher, ok last year he literally sat my class down and made us watch a documentary on hip hop history and gave us homework questions 😭 so yeah that seems like something revali would do

I've very briefly mentioned this before, but actually hip hop was not revali's first love! it was ballet ;w; AJDBAJBDSKJDKSKDKSK it seems so fucking funny but he just really liked the feeling of being free soaring through the air with his little leaps and twirls (idk can you tell I'm not a ballet person LMAO) and so he did take ballet classes as a kid for a while. but sadly internalized and external toxic masculinity pushed him away from that :( he went into hip hop instead because it's seen as a much more masculine discipline of dance, and luckily he ended up really enjoying it too!! over time he's changed his mindset to not feel like he has to do hip hop to be a "real man" but he just can't see himself doing ballet anymore :/

a lot of the time he places a very strong emphasis in breakdancing in his style, because that's what he forced himself to learn when he was pressured into hip hop. and he's very good at breaking, so he does it most of the time when freestyling or choreographing. however, he truly shines when he gets to be a little more graceful softer with his movements, because he's always been in tune with his body and the way he moves, and he's very skilled at being able to dance in a more fluid way, he just never feels like he can comfortably do it in front of ppl :(

link on the other hand is not afraid to get more sensual/graceful in his moves, however his strengths truly lie in isolation. this bitch has so much precision control over his body like he is out here tutting and locking like ?? but I've also mentioned how he does a little bit of contemporary on the side, which I just think is so *mwah* 😊 I've said it before and I'll say it again, but any given sunday is peak vibes for this au bc like ????? not only is it revalink it's just if link's dance style was put into a song idk how to explain it

ok I will stop talking here bc I feel like nothing I'm saying is making sense anymore 😭 I'm running out of more ideas for this au ngl maybe it's time I start actually writing it lmao

[vizthedatum]

Things are a little rough right now - I am still happy and thriving, but I'm worried about my job and the people I love. The divorce is imminent, and I don't know how I will be after/around that. I am deeply concerned that Jon will kill themselves - I have been worried about this for years. I love my friends and partners. My body is making recovery but I am reminded by it to treat it gently. I am really starting to understand my priorities more and more, as I navigate... everything. And... it is so painful to see and be aware.

When they sign the divorce decree, I need people to know that my relationship and my marriage to them was not a mistake on anyone's part. I loved them with all my heart. Being queer and poly had nothing to do with that. I have been learning and understanding my childhood and unhealthy codependency styles I learned... to survive in this life. I am learning about narcissistic personality disorder, and it is so real. It is so real. I am exceedingly upset and disappointed at my whole family tree, because I have been seeking answers since I was a child. I have been told to not worry about it or that I was naive. I will now trust in my curiosity for truth, in whatever form that may be.

Due to this, I've been unmasking. And I've been practicing not justifying myself or my behavior, if I believe that it does not harm you. I cannot tolerate reading between the lines in close connections anymore. I cannot tolerate your unreasonable demands of me, when everyone knows that I try my best given the circumstances. I know that I'm an exceptional person, and I can see that now.

Unmasking means that I've been going through series of skill regression and skill growth. It has been a challenge. I feel smarter and dumber all at the same time. Things I used to do, out of perfectionism and pressure.... are so hard for me now. I am still skilled in my crafts but in a different way.

I'm literally rewiring my brain from years of emotional and physical abuse, from others and from myself. Masking was survival for me. Unmasking is now life - it is what is going to make me happier and more successful. It is the only path forward.

This may mean that I might lose my job again, and I know it is not a moral failure. I am autistic, and I have PTSD... and I'm still healing, but we live in a capitalistic hellscape. But that means I will be financially unstable again in a life where I strived to not be that way - do I risk burnout and being ill again just to earn money? I'm already thinking about changing careers. I hate that I have the capacity to earn six figures or more with my education but that I have so many obstacles in my way.

I have had to cut out significant friendships and family members due to my "coming out as the real me." It's been heartbreaking to see that people don't like me when I have boundaries, when I assert my value, when I unmask, when I tell them how I truly feel, etc. The ableism and disregard for who I am and what I have to offer... did shake me a bit.

But now I don't care. Because the people who love me will stay. And they will respect me. And I won't accept anything less, even if I make mistakes along the way. (And I will)

And I will try my best to keep growing and owning up to how I treat people too.

[bioethicists]

if it’s not too nosy to ask (pls ignore if so) how did you arrive at doing case management and how do you like it? i have similar values in terms of like interest in health and med anthro in an anti-psych/institutions way nd am trying to figure out in what capacities i can work in health related fields while honoring those values lol,,, thank u i love ur blog

haha so i kind of hate it rn + am leaving in may so take that was u will! i wouldn't necessarily say case management is an easy place to have these values but i am in a unique position where i'm not licensed so therefore am actually banned from (thus not instructed to) doing most of the heinous shit- i am never involved in the process of diagnosing, treating, or incarcerating a client. an msw or similar clinical degree would demand that i be more involved with that process

i live in MA which has a unique program called the BHCP program (through our Medicaid, MassHealth)+ my technical title is "care coordinator" but this is largely a smokescreen for (even more) underpaid case management. my primary job is to obtain + maintain services for my clients, such as SSI, specialists, housing, food stamps, etc. i also spend a lot of time doing stuff i'm not technically supposed to do- help clients read their mail, help with court cases, help dealing with child support etc. i am about 90% of the time able to help ppl in a way that i don't feel icky about.

the cost- i make 39k a year to case manage up to 65 clients who i have to contact at least once a month. many of them have issues far beyond my scope but i am the only person willing or able to work with them. social services in MA, arguably one of the best states for social services in the country, are an absolute shitshow- i spend about 33% of my job trying to force other ppl to do theirs. get me a client that speaks only spanish and the services become essentially unnavigable. masshealth randomly decides we need to improve quantitative performance measures that have 0 bearing on the actual quality of our clients' lives so we are routinely chastised for not meeting stupid paperwork requirements (what percentage of clients have their race and ethnicity recorded in their file? did you check the right boxes on their yearly assessment?) which seems to matter way more to the state (which, through its other departments, is causing most of the problems i'm being paid by them to solve???) than actually helping them. also, the emotional impact is rough + most of my coworkers cope by hardening themselves, othering our clients/getting angry with them, or giving up altogether.

it's just not feasible or HUMAN to expect someone to be able to go to someone's home, hear a story of their brutal assault by the same man you're helping them demand child support from, lock eyes with the child you know in your heart is never going to see a dollar of his dad's money because the child support case is almost definitely a dead end, then go home and do 6 more hours of paperwork. they tell us we're supposed to compartmentalize + shut off empathy in order to function at our job (real thing they tell us in training!) and like... fuck that. i'm not smothering my humanity in order to meet performance requirements- except the alternative is working yourself to the brink of suicide lmao.

that being said, i didn't always feel like this (first two years were easier) and i have some pretty intense personal circumstances complicating it (dead brother, raging eating disorder, etc). i do feel like i have been able to make real + tangible impacts in others' lives, learned how to navigate the system well enough to use that knowledge in more radical spaces, build human connections with people who have never had that with providers before. having a radical perspective on the system will save you from a lot of burnout because you won't be one of the naive ones who think that social services + "educating" your clients will fix all their problems. most of the problems i am describing above are going to be present in almost all health/social services fields. if the state funds it, this is what they will do to it.

i'm going back to school in september + my goal is to pursue full time ethnographic research while utilizing my skills at navigating social services to assist ppl on a person to person level. in terms of how i got here- graduated dec 18, worked in residential mental health for like 2 months before fully cementing that there was no ethical way to do so (and getting horrifyingly triggered by it) -> americorps position at a local hospital doing community outreach during the day + nursing home/private duty elder care at night -> current job