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#and its all my fault but still
folkloregirlfriend · 4 months
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school ki yaad aa rahi hai
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xx-sketchy-xx · 10 days
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Me and the bros
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sadisthetic · 1 year
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jaya....? (sike. its skybound bad end au. in which jay fails miserably but “nya” never dies. can you imagine?)
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undefeatablesin · 9 months
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My angel, my pride and joy, my beloved AKA the Good Hunter Ruza lmao 🧡 ft. Her Lost Chikage and her fun outfit from these screenshots! + some lil headshots of her in the Yharnam Hunter Garb, a look I also care Deeply About ✨️
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dxxtruction · 11 hours
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"Louis acting like a pimp to Armand" And what is a pimp exactly? Quickly. And, oh so sexual trauma survivors can't engage in kink now without it being all about that? Pet names? They can't be submissive anymore? Consensually? Sexually healthy? Be serious. I'd hardly say there's much power difference between them during all this anyway, except that Louis is freer than Armand and it's been putting a strain on their relationship. Louis wants more from Armand, and less of this 'being his past' for them both, and so helping Armand with this could fix that. It's healthy to want to help your partners get out of a rough patch?
I mean, the whole exchange was very clearly set up as a "I want to help you" after such a great moment of vulnerability Louis feels just how much Armand is desperate for it. Louis called Armand so they could work out a plan together.
And the bit with the umbrella was Louis' way of asking 'are you willing to listen to me?' and Armand said yes by unfolding it. Louis goes on and explains, Armand is allowed to argue against it, but Louis makes his point. And then he gives Armand a way to make his own choice in it too. Armand's already decided 'I want you, more than anything else in the world', but Louis still asks after if he's sure of his choice, and with a name, Arun, that is the one of his fullest agency, running the point home. Honoring the situation Armand calls Louis Maitre - as a way of being like 'I'll do as you've said then'. To make this work he's going to have to give Louis some of the control, yes. But it's the first time such a role is ever established, and it was his choice to do it. So so what if they do it in a very suggestive way? They can't like doing that? I think it's them having fun.
I struggle to find how Louis is being overly domineering here when really he's giving and offering Armand the most agency he's ever had. Same with finding it manipulative. The manipulation was more earlier in the episode I think, when he was stringing him along, giving mixed signals. He's no longer toying with him like that. Louis might be pushing Armand, leading him on to make a decision, but he doesn't mean bad by it.
But back to this pimp thing. I find it frankly offensive that this is where people are going with this. I get it, but to run with it being the case is, on many levels, wrong.
Louis told us episode 1 this was the only sustainable line of work to support his family and keep their standing, at the time. It was never his choice to be doing this either but his blackness allowed no other options. He did what he did so his family could stay in that house and maintain all their same comforts. It gave him privileges most black men didn't have at the time that he wanted to maintain and even have more of. Anyway, it doesn't and had never defined him the way 'being good at running things' had. And in that case he just likes having that kind of control where he can get it, which makes sense.
The world is what placed that kind of role onto him of what he was allowed to be able to run, not himself. And on that he actually treated the sex workers he employed well and respected them enough to give them more opportunity. He recognizes they don't have much in the way of options either.
Louis employed sex workers, yes, but he didn't subject them to abuse, (like how Armand was)*. He didn't oversee things in a way that would go against their consent (see; episode 1 again)**. Sometimes a job is just a job. And Sex work is work.
Armand's particular past with sexual abuses may strike a particular cord with Louis, given all that, but the very last thing either is thinking is that Louis' pimping Armand out here. This is merely their decision as companions, and had nothing to do with adding another line in a laundry list of selling Armands body out to people at the command of someone else. Armand rescinds some of his control to Louis' wishes, because he wants him, and he trusts him, that's all.
If you aren't allowing Armand that choice, and are doubtful it's fully his, you're putting him right back in the box of being defined by his abuses. Putting him back into that space where he isn't given any agency over what he does.
*: (edit) added for clarity.
**: (strike through) numerous people are saying I'm misremembering this point so disregard it. (Thought he was siding with Bricks, it was the other way around). I don't have a perfect memory, it happens. Let's not get mad about it. Please read my added notes in the tags, I put those in not long after uploading several hours ago as of typing this. It should address most concerns.
#amc iwtv#iwtv spoilers#iwtv season 2#Loumand#louis du pointe du lac#armand#interview with the vampire#IWTV#Many people are ranting about this but I'm throwing my hat in too#anyway stop infantilizing him its weird#signed someone who went through csa and is close friends with many swers#long rant#noticing spelling errors in this after posting ffff#added note: I'm not saying armand and louis dynamic is without it's flaws or that louis was somehow without his exploitation and faults#while he was a pimp#as a pimp though he certainly wasn't going about it in the same way as what had happened in the brothel or with marius#I more so mean that their very actions are of a healthier dynamic than that even if they themselves are not exactly so#And if you want to still run with this pimp like thing being there you have to also admit it's what's desired by them both yk?#If so then healthy or not for their relationship that's how it is#all for everyone being nasty freaks and all the messed up relationships everywhere#But I still don't see it as that exactly I wouldn't call it that there's just a bit of that dominance that man in charge kind of thing#It seems that way cause neither want to be tethered to the roles they've been playing previously they aren't entirely different for it but#are still arriving to this idea of something new to define themselves by something they both want#This companionship that they're still trying to get a feel for#we as an audience might know they never do fully work their shit out and so are doomed but they don't at that point#last thing i guess is that I am not here to police what people wanna think about characters it's fictional and not that serious 4 me 2 care#I caution using this idea of it being like pimping for reasons above but don't wanna enforce anything#These are just my thoughts
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oceanwithouthermoon · 2 months
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wow guys i cannot believe kubosai is canon and kuboyasu confessed to him with a love letter in chapter 128 according to the saiki k fandom wiki!! (lying)
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artsyunderstudy · 1 month
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bad news gang im hella cursed
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dirtytransmasc · 9 months
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[mild tw for marital rape/forced 'consent' its only referenced a little, but it feels necessary to mention it]
imagine Alicent only standing up for herself when Aegon is in the picture. Imagine her talking her son to her chambers cause he's fussy and won't go down for bed and was asking for his mum, and she has him tucked close, blissfully asleep, and Viserys calls for her.
she knows she can't refuse, but she tells the servant he had sent to make him aware of Aegon's state. he still demands that she be brought to his chambers and that the babe go back to his nursemaid. she looks down at her baby, who's now woken due to the disturbance, who is staring up at her with soft tired eyes, a little yawn escaping him.
she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to be forced to take her husband, to pleasure him at her own discomfort. she doesn't want to leave her son, to have him sent back to bed where he will remain restless and in the care of someone who is not his mother. she had never want to refuse more than she did in that moment.
she hesitates, her facade falters. Aegon is still looking up at her as tears well up in her eyes. he quirks his head at her, fingers reaching for her cheeks as if to comfort her. with a sudden conviction, she takes him in her arms, rising from the bed, requesting a robe and a blanket. when her servant looks at her in question, she clarifies that she will be taking Aegon with her and does not wish to rouse him in attempts to dress him. they look at her with shock, but don't voice the concern written on their faces.
they bring her Viserys's favorite robe. Alicent recognizes it from her time with Rhaenyra and Aemma. she's worn it before, Viserys has made sure the servants bring it to her every time he requests her. she hates the way it feels against her skin, knowing why he makes her wear it. she wraps aegon in his blanket, soft and royal blue, his hands beginning to play with its golden tassles as she tucks him inside her robe, pressed to her chest with care.
even as fear bites at her heels, anxiety churning her stomach, she walks to Viserys's chamber with her held high. she knows she is only asking for her husband's wrath; she knows she should just obey him, but she just can't. her son will not suffer a sleepless night and horrid following day all because her husband feels the need to use her body once more. he will not suffer at his father's hands tonight, even if she has to endure Viserys's anger for it.
she enters her husband's chambers, finding him in bed, in a white night gown, clearly ready to use her; he was never subtle when he asked for her, not even the first time.
she pauses in the doorway, pulling back the robe slightly, making him aware of Aegon's presence. she watches his face fall, barely muted anger. she holds onto Aegon tighter. part of her fears he may hurt her for this disturbance, but more of her fears he will hurt Aegon on her behalf.
"I told the damned servants to take him," his voice is warped and cruel, just an angry scowl of sorts.
"Aegon is not well, dear husband... I could not leave him," she admits before he can say anything else. she puts her foot forward as a mother, hoping to claim mercy from the man who made her one.
he mutters something in response, not quite loud enough for her to hear. she has a feeling she is grateful for that.
"what was it you needed, my dear?" she tries to sound sweet and kind, in attempts to abate his anger, "I'm sure I could still attend to it."
"you know what I wanted," he yelled. it had been the first time he'd truly raised his voice to her. she couldn't help but gasp, stepping back one step, than two, stopping when Aegon began to fuss, curling around him instead.
"Please Viserys, the baby." she ducks her head down to press her against his whispy white hair. her son his huffing, as if about to cry, and she's sure if she could see his face, his little cheeks would be red and his eyes would be crinkled and wet, his lip puckered. she begins to rock him slightly, still afraid to move.
"your'e dismissed," he grunts, but his tone gives it away. she knows he doesn't mean it, the if she leaves she will be in more trouble. she questions staying, calling a servant to take Aegon and giving him what he wants, but decides against it. he would not come before her son, not now, not ever.
"I'm sorry, my dear, another night, when I do not have Aegon to tend to," she forces some cheer into her tone, "he is still so young, so helpless. he needs his mother. I'm sure you understand?"
"he is not the only one in need of you." he had not lost his anger yet. not even for the sake of his son.
"yes, of course. forgive me. only he is not as understanding as you, my love." that wasn't the truth, Aegon was more kind and understanding at a year old, than viserys was in all of his years. "I will leave now. I am sorry for the disturbance."
she pauses for a moment, waiting for her husbands reaction. when he doesn't lash out at her, she breathes a quiet sigh of relief, feeling as though she has evaded a great beast. her heart calms in her chest, slowing from its fluttering and her stomachs stops its dizzing ache. she questions turning and running, fleeing from his presence before he can change his mind, but knows better.
she hurries to his side, eyeing him all the while, each step calculated, avoiding cracking any eggshells, until she is close enough to kiss his cheek. he allows it, and gives Aegon grace when he reaches out for him, letting him play with his finger a moment, before pulling it away, not even turning away fully before sneering. she takes that as her cue to leave, this one being much more genuine than the last.
"goodnight dear husband." he says nothing. she takes Aegon's little hand, waving it slightly, "say goodnight Aegon."
her son tries to imitate her, though unintelligible, as a toddler would. she continues to smile and coo at him even when his father ignores him, not letting him feel his father's scorn, quickly turning towards the door and back to her own chambers.
the second the door is close she feels herself sag, she would have fallen to the floor right then and there had there not been kingsgaurd watching. instead she holds her head high once more, walking calm and steady, like a queen should.
Aegon settles his forehead against her collar, giving a great yawn against her skin. she smiles at him fondly, kissing his brow, earning a tired little giggle from him. it hits her that he is unaware of the trouble he just saved her from. she feels equal parts relief as she does terror; she hopes he never knows, never understands, but is so so thankful for it none the less.
the second she steps into her chambers she pulls of the robe, setting it aside carefully despite the pain it brings her, respecting the memories it carried. she pulls back the covers before smothering her and her son amongst them. he's quick to curl against her, quite tuckered out after their harrowing adventure, even if he was unaware of its true weight. she herself still wanted to cry, but was similarly too tired to keep her eyes open for another moment. tomorrow, she tells herself, tomorrow will be difficult, but tonight you have your son, tonight you have a chance to rest.
so she does, she holds him close, tracing fingers over the gold threaded patterned of his blanket, feeling the shifting of his chest as he breathes and the tickle of his hair against her neck. all is well in that moment. she drifts to sleep at the thought.
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angelsdean · 7 months
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DEAN And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me.
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Castiel and Dean exchange a look. Castiel agrees, this situation is hopeless, but he can't bring himself to say it.
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DEAN I'm sorry.
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writermask-0807 · 2 months
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todoroki touya (dabi) x reader “[3:07 a.m.]”
warnings: swearing, angst with no happy ending (i think?? m not sure 🫠) this is like a. vent, ig, haha. also probably shitty cus it's stupid and unedited and like. three in the morning.
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[3:07 a.m.]
when dabi finally slips into your room, reeking of burnt flesh and ash and ruin, you’re already fast asleep,
(the shape of you heart-wrenchingly small under the thick covers, as if you were trying to protect yourself from- his heart clenches. from him.)
but that’s just as well, or so dabi thinks. the hour is ungodly, and he comes home late - later than late, actually, late enough that it’s early. late enough that you probably thought he wasn’t coming home at all, and who could blame you?
dabi is a man that commits arson and felonies on tuesday evenings and grins at the rising smoke and flames. he’s a man that burns to the touch, if he lets you in close enough - an icarus with melting wax wings, forever falling under the sun because some shitty feathers and a twisted ambition isn’t enough to keep him from burning.
but the thing with you is that you don’t mind the smoke or the ash - even if it means you’ll burn from tending to fire.
because you’re selfless and kind like that - you’ve always been, you with your soft healing hands gentle upon his skin (as if you think he’s actually a thing worthy of such redeeming softness, like he’s actually, really good) and your tender, open smiles and your stupid endless patience that never seems to run out even when he doesn’t come home for days, and when he finally does come, it’s to end up shitfaced and bleeding all over your couch, stealing the change on your counter or running hot when you beg him to stay, and -
dabi doesn’t deserve you, not when he hurts you as much as he loves you. but love has made him selfish - if not a little cruel.
but tonight, he promises, is the last.
the moonlight makes soft of your peaceful, sleeping face, and you’re so achingly beautiful like this, no furrow to your brow or wobbling curve of your mouth.
mindlessly, one of his hands drifts up to trace over the plump of your cheek, the bridge of your nose and then your jaw, stroking softly.
his breath trembles.
there are shadows under your eyes, dried tears on your cheeks. all because of him. what else does he need to see to know that this is what he does to you? that this is why he needs to leave?
for a world-muffling second, there is only the slow rise and fall of your chest, the soft lull of your breathing. the cadence of your heartbeat slow and sleepy as it beats against his own chest, thump thump thumping with your every breath.
and dabi lets his hand fall away, makes to stand up. he loves you, but you’re better off without him. this is for your own good, this is for his own good–
your eyes blink open in the darkness, tired and dark and mournful as you peer up at him through the shadows, your pinkie slowly, unflinchingly curling around his.
“stay,” you murmur, and he can hear the hoarse exhaustion in your voice.
“stay. please.” you whisper again, and dabi doesn’t have the heart to say no.
he slips back under the covers, lets you grip his hand tightly like you’re afraid he’ll disappear again, because it’s not entirely false. kisses your forehead, your cheeks, your fluttering eyelids. your trembling mouth.
“i love you, dabi.” you murmur, eyes fluttering shut again.
“love you too.” he tells you, guiltily waiting for when you’ll fall asleep again.
FIN-
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zer0point5ive · 6 months
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lawrence and amanda should bring adam back wrong i think .. get real weird and abomination against god with it and bring him back as some sort of fragile fucked up deadalive guy who freaks out about not having a heartbeat. or something
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FNAF Dashboard Simulator Pt 2 (because yall ate up the first one)
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🦚 the-skrungly Follow
Guys be honest. How many of y'all became engineers or furries after visiting the Freddy Fazbear Mega Pizzaplex.
🐺 weremy-jeremy Follow
...OMG is that why I became a furry?!
🦊 toy_foxy_4vr Follow
I'm a furry AND an engineer. checkmate
🐅 Furry-Heritage-Posts Follow
Official Furry Heritage Post
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⬜️ da-mechanic-deactivated03132024
I don't have. a reddit but I wanted to do this so. I'm a mechanic at the Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizzaplex. AMA
🐊 monty-gater-notice-me Follow
do they let you fuck the animatronics
⬜️ da-mechanic-deactivated0313202
AMA over guys
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🌔 eldest_daughter_syndrome Follow
Guys I went to pick my brother up from the pizzaplex daycare and the security guard was so mean. but she was hot and had rainbow hair
🎳 bunny-bowl
Diversity win! Rude security guard is queer!
🌔 eldest_daughter_syndrome Follow
Bad news guys. She doesn't have rainbow hair anymore. too scared to ask what happened
🎳 bunny-bowl
Diversity loss!
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📙 crackshipper34 Follow
guys do you think fredbear and springbonnie ever,,,, you know,,,,
🟠 glop-shitto Follow
wtf no eww! Why do you always do this?! They're mechanical animal mascots without feelings!
🔮 sleegy_deeby Follow
actually they did kiss and here's the proof: https://youtu.be/O7I-UTvo_80?si=4qjh3zye4o153QsM
🌇 ness-and-ness
AJKSKJJKAJFJKBA HAHAHAHA
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🐺 weremy-jeremy Follow
unironically why are fazbear animatronic fanartists literally so good at what they do. youre drawing robot animals
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📸 Wire-Monster-Heritage-Posts Follow
Guys, as we all know, my blog has been on hiatus ever since the Wire Monster disappeared back in 2023. However, I've been getting a lot of submissions lately about possible Wire Monster sightings at the Freddy Fazbear Mega Pizzaplex. We're so back!!!
🐰 springbonnie-and-friends
omg what? isnt the wire monster a dead meme?
🕶️ cryptid_hunter Follow
then the meme is back baybee!
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🎼 classicalmusic1 Follow
friendly reminder that y'all need to be WATCHING YOUR KIDS at the pizzaplex guys. literally caught the rabbit animatronic trying to lead some kids into the back rooms
🎳 bunny-bowl
girl what rabbit animatronic? bonnie was decommissioned
💽 foundfootagelvr3
oh my god. please tell me what i think is happening is not happening
🎩 f-bears-family-diner Follow
its happening again.
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🐇 bonnie_lvr Follow
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🌉 floor-bot Follow
dude, you are down BAD
🚀 golf_is_for-nerds Follow
DO NOT KISS THE FREDDY ANIMATRONIC. MAKE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER DO IT INSTEAD
🎇 slaymechanic Follow
@golf_is_for_nerds oh my god thats so cruel and insensitive to be making jokes about that. I heard that even the newest animatronics are still super dangerous!
🌻 farmgurl1 Follow
Didn't Jerma say he was going to go to the Mega Pizzaplex for a stream? When is that going to happen?
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🧩 matlabpat
Guys I've been researching the history of the Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizzaplex... and I think I might have a theory... should I make a youtube video about it?
#fazbear theory #mattheory
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reminder that these are unreality! also i see yall commenting on the video that i linked in the last post. im still going to leave yall mystery links but i didnt make any of the videos i linked so youre gonna be confusing random people 😭 so be nice to them or dont do that. and i hope that poll made yall distraught
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littlelightfish · 2 months
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The hearts don't mean he is in love with no one. The problem with English is how vague of the word love is in his meaning. It envolves different kinds of caring in one single word. But I'll try to express here what I mean.
He cares, as a person, about everyone. This is a basic level of love that he haves towards everybody. He doesn't want anyone to actually die, that's what I mean. He doesn't necesarily cares about someone, but he loves them enough to not want them to die.
He starts befriending someone and gets to know it. He starts liking things about them and disliking others. He starts loving this people in another way, we'll call it liking. This is more a get-to-know phase he doesn't always like. The less he knows, the less reasons to get attached get attached he has. I think this are the kind of love the hearts show in the image. He has to make sure to keep a balance between how much he loves and how much he let's himself be loved. He doesn't want to have misunderstandings. He is in constant fear of "what if I made them love me more and they care more?"
And then it comes the deeply care that love is in the non-romantic way. This care a (good) parent has for his babies. The love that makes people suffer emotionally in an absolute different way from what it could be a heartbreak or a misunderstanding between friends. If something happens to the loved one, the pain is unbearable. It's one of the worst things rhat can happen. And Chilchuck knows this, he is father of three daughters, and his wife left him. She left, he knows the pain it is to come home and find it empty when there should be someone. He knows the guilt it comes with failing those loved ones. The shame. He doesn't like being this vulnerable. This love makes him suffer like no other does. So he is very very carefull of how much he allows himself to care about someone so he won't get to love like this.
He draws a line between work and private life because his private life envolves love and deep care, and he doesn't want to love nor care like this for people who's job is to constantly risk their lifes. He doesn't want to feel the anguish, he doesn't want to feel the loneliness it will come after the unenviable separation of the party.
He tries his best to not get attached to people. To not let people get attached to him. But he fails. He fails and falls downstairs with a whole drum set.
He can't help but to care about this people. He can't help but to love this people he's been living with the past few weeks in the risking of their lifes. He tells himself he's doing this for money and that he doesn't care, but he does.
Those hearts don't mean anything other than him caring about them. He cares about Senshi. He cares about Marcille. He cares about Laios. About Itsuzumi. About Namari. He cares in a way that hurts. He loves this people. He doesn't want to even imagine a world in where they are gone, or suffering, or in problems. They're his friends, they're something he, unwillingly, accepts as family.
He cares about Falin and Mickbell because he doesn't want them dead. He doesn't feel any anguish toward if they do or not get hurt after they're out of his sight. Sure, he cares, but he can live without thinking about them the rest of his days. It doesn't happen like that with Laios. He can't just simply let Laios go and follow Fallin just after he recover consciousness from a punch in the gut. Was it Mickbell, he would let him if he really didn't wanted. But Laios didn't wanted to sit and wait, and he had to care. He had to verbalize to himself that he cared. He had to let them know, so they would act accordingly. So they won't get themselves killed like idiots.
He doesn't want others to fall in romantic love with him. He doesn't feel romantic love towards anyone either. He isn't the man for this kind of love. He is, in fact, afraid of it. He doesn't want to fall in love, because he's still in love with his wife. She left him because he was negligent. But since when has this become the definitive stop for love? Chilchuck knows his wife is angry at him, and she has all the reason to be so! His husband, the one she loved and cared for, gets himself in dangerous situations, treats his body poorly and almost never is home. She loves him, and it hurts her to love like this, so she leaves. Like this she won't have to look at him get himself mistreated like he does. She would have the pull in her's stomach that tells her that he could be in great danger, that she could become a widow, but she tries to calm it with his daughter's mail to him. He could never. He can't imagine a world in wich they cease to exist. A world without his wife, even if she distanced herself, without his daughters, would be a world worthless of living. He knows this. Because he cares and he loves in such a deep level that he is scared of loving anyone else like this. To become so vulnerable to emotion. This vulnerable to something bad happening.
The fact that he is so afraid of loosing his wife, even after she left him, says a lot. He still cares about her. He is still in love with her. He wants to go back to what it was before, but he can't and he know its his fault. And he respects his wife's distance because he loves her. Now, he doesn't love her in the movie way, he isnt in love like a teenager would to his first girlfriend, he doesn't want to kiss her, or hug her, or be by her side at all moments of the day. He loves her. He cares about her deeply, deeply enough that he doesn't need to be by her side to care, to love. He also respects her. He can survive without her because he knows she's better with his daughter. For sure he wants to hug, kiss and be by the side of this person he loves, it would be ideal, but he can survive without thinking about it too much. It's just like with his daughters. They're all adults that now live far from him. And he is ok with it now. He sends mail and recieves mail, and even if he misses greatly, he can manage not to think about it. Because he knows she is allright. Because he knows he fucked up. He doesn't know where he fuked up, but for his wife to leave him, at least he knows he did. They never talked about it, because they both seem to have a problem in expressing themselves. She fell into a bad mood and then she disappeared. The amount of pain he must have felt it's... let's say it's quite big.
He keeps his guard up. He doesn't want to love deeply anyone. He doesn't want to feel the emptiness, the hurt, that comes after someone so dear leaves. He knows for a fact he'll be leaving this people. He knows that they could die. If he loves, it will hurt in a way nothing else hurts. He will miss. He doesn't like missing people he cares like this. This is why he doesn't want to love. This is why he doesn't want to be loved. This is why those hearts that are almost full are his main source of concern. This is why he makes the effort to keep this feelings at bay, to love only in the friendly way and with extreme caution.
But he can't controll his own love. And he ends up caring more and more about these people. He slowly makes him a part of the dangerous love zone that family means. He is afraid to confuse someone about his feelings towards them, so he still tries to maintain distance with his abusive remarks, but this only works so far. He loves and is loved. And because of this he will suffer.
I... I extended myself a bit I see...
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popping-greenbean · 1 month
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there are so many things that i could do so well,,, if only i could like.actually do them
#ok to rb or comment on if anyone wants to ??? i just want to ramble a bit#this post is about everything at once and nothing in particular but also very much about my art career wtf#i miss school already.having structure and clear immediate tasks to focus on and surrounded by people who i can tell myself can understand#like id still be feeling the raging imposter syndrome and self hatred but then at least i can still bury myself in schoolwork and#tell myself that its the best that i can do at the moment and i make excuses to forgive myself undeservingly for not doing more#back home with same old people into same old habits and i am once again 14 hiding in my closet writing edgy poetry plotting murder and#trying to ignore the yelling downstairs and trying to convince myself that its not my fault but at the core of it all it really is isnt it#and out of sight out of mind its harder to convince myself that i am still loved or worthy of it or even capable honestly#and craving the academic validation hearing someone say that what comes from my mind has any value at all any real meaning#and maybe then im still just trying to fool myself because what i want is for someone to believe im capable because i cant do it for myself#craving someplace i can distance myself from being who ive been all my life and guilt for not wanting what ive been lucky enough to receive#ok going to stop before i incriminate myself even more#prob will delete later but if i forget to haha hi#greenbean talks to plants
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good-beanswrites · 3 months
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I’m thinking about the angst of the restraints headcanon again. There’s the two with the least physically violent crimes, and they rank relatively low in strength. There’s the child who was violent but had to be really crafty about it; she’s the weakest of all of them. And the most dangerous of the guilty prisoners cannot be restrained.
This makes me so emotional!!! All three are the smallest of their circles. Two of them are extremely ordinary people who have never experienced/expressed physical violence before. One hadn't even fathomed the idea of someone dying until they actually did. And yet, they're subjected to the type of restraints you'd expect to see on someone who is uncontrollably violent. The fact that prisoners who committed very gruesome murders can walk free (including Mikoto) just adds insult to injury. I still couldn't everything into words, but here's a Mahiru-centric drabble featuring the same thoughts. It takes place after T1 closes but before the attacks.
“Where are our rights?”
Fuuta’s shout caused Mahiru to wince. She perched on her bedding, watching the two prisoners she’d invited to her cell. It hadn’t been the fun kind of invitation, though. Back in school, she always wanted to have parties and dates back at her place. Moving to the city, she imagined what it would be like to make university friends and take them back home with her to talk, eat, and have fun. 
Sitting in her dim gray cell with Fuuta and Amane, all of them held fast by complex sets of restraints, was not what she’d had in mind.
Amane knelt in the corner. Her arms were crossed, as if pouting, though the opposite was true. A moment ago her eyes had lowered in prayer, but it was difficult to find any peace of mind now. Fuuta snapped and shouted as he paced the length of the cell bars. They were unlocked, but like the others, he didn’t feel like being out in front of everyone. He’d give his uniform a violent jerk every now and then, but it didn’t do any good. Between his strides and growls, he made Mahiru think of those poor wild animals they keep at the circus.
“Take it easy, Fuuta.” She mustered up a smile. “Come rest with us.”
“I can’t believe you two. You’re just gonna sit here and take it? I didn’t do a fucking thing! They’re acting like I’m some big danger to society,” he yanked his arms again, to no avail. “All I did was type some things onto a screen. I’m not gonna go around stabbing anyone or anything. And you, you didn’t hurt anyone either!”
He nodded his head to Mahiru. If her arms weren’t already folded over her chest, she would have hugged herself anyway. 
“Well… I did hurt him in the end… I broke his heart badly enough that… I mean, he…”
Fuuta made a disgusted sound. “That’s all stupid romance stuff. I’m saying, you never stabbed him. Never strangled him. Never poisoned his food, or –”
“Oh god, no! How horrible…”
“Exactly! From what we’ve heard, it sounds like Haruka killed someone with his bare hands. I think Muu had a knife or something. Shidou had a whole arsenal of grisly doctor tools. Kotoko has openly talked about how she beat that guy to death. Why are they allowed to walk free while we’re tied down like wild animals?”
Mahiru was glad she hadn’t mentioned the circus.
“And Amane! It’s not like she did anything violent, and here she is!”
“That is not true.”
Both paused as Amane spoke up for the first time. 
“Eh?”
“While I disagree with my verdict, the restraints make sense.” The others still stared blankly. As matter-of-fact as always, she continued. “I killed with my own hands. I used the amount of force I was instructed to. Just as the sinner fears the wrath of heaven, I can understand how the godless warden would fear my justice.”
Fuuta’s passion wavered, but Mahiru could feel her heart ache for the girl. “Oh Amane… I had no idea. To be pushed to the point of violence at your age…”
“I am not to be pitied. As I said, I am dangerous, and proud to be. I am doing god’s work. All heroes must be dangerous.”
Fuuta grunted, but said nothing. Mahiru gave her a gentle smile. “It’s not pity. Even if you were dangerous, it’s horrible to restrain someone like you. You’ve already had to brave so much, as the smallest of the bunch.”
She looked between the two. A sad laugh escaped her. “Now that I think of it, I guess we’re all the smallest here, hm? Aside from maybe Muu, we don’t have much height or strength on the others…”
“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Fuuta cried. “The fuck do they think we’re going to do?” Mahiru was just glad he’d focused on that rather than the fact she’d just called him weak. 
Voices raised in conversation down the hallway. Mikoto’s laugh echoed faintly into the cell.  
It warmed Mahiru to hear. Things had been so hard on him here. Though it had been frightening to hear him shouting at the restraints til his voice was raw – well, it wasn’t him shouting – it had been a relief when he appeared free and relaxed the following day. He seemed sheepish that he wasn’t able to help the others, having no memory of his escape. Mahiru just kept telling him how happy she was for him.
Fuuta didn’t share in the sentiment. “Meanwhile, Mikoto gets to stroll around free, and he beat the shit out of Es! He could snap and kill any one of us here, and they don’t even give a damn. But ooohhh, god forbid the guy who’s never been violent a day in his life is allowed to use his own two hands!”
The harshness of his voice wasn’t doing his argument many favors. Still, his words were beginning to get through to Mahiru. 
She’d worked so hard to be a model citizen. She was supposed to have a perfect life. She could cook, clean, sew, and take care of children. She did herself up every day; she was never a slob or a slut. She was generous to everyone she met. She showered the world around her in love. Wasn’t it unfair that her hands were tied like some common criminal? What was all that effort for – being patient when people upset her, being kind even when she disagreed with someone, all of that – if she was going to end up in the same place as someone who had stabbed another out of sheer malice?
Amane didn’t seem to be whirling with the same doubts. She closed her eyes once more. “It is simply a trial from heaven. We may be small, but all of us have an internal strength that will carry us through the ordeal.”
“I don’t think it’s any sort of religious thing, but you’re right,” Fuuta puffed his chest out. “Trials like this only make people stronger!” 
“Do you think so?” Mahiru wasn’t sure if she was asking either of them or just musing to herself. It was a nice thought. This was all part of destiny, something meant to be that would make her stronger in the end. 
But she wasn’t so sure she believed in destiny anymore. It hadn’t quite worked out the first time. 
“Hell yeah!” Fuuta must have assumed she was in fact asking him. He gave a wide, toothy grin. “It’s not like we can get any weaker, right? The warden better watch out next trial – they’ve got a big storm coming!”
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melatien · 7 months
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happy halloween!
if you watched karate kid you'll understand the outfit design
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