#and ive always *wanted* to talk about it but it was just so scary to me
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#i dunno man#everytime i read some new thing about covid and long covid#i just feel like im losing my marbles#im the only one still masking it feels like#nobody at my drs offices wear them even the soecialists#my therapist acts like this is an irrational fear of mine#so i dont talk about it as much#shes happy im not isolating myself. and not full of crippling guilt when i do go out#which is good#i agree with her on that#but. ive been numbering my bags with my n95s since i rewear them a few times#ive been using n95s since i took this job. three years in october#which is wild the longest ive worked in one place is just over a year--all seasonal work or short internships. not because i leave#or get fired/laid off#but im getting down to the end of the alphabet#i dont know what ill do when i do#literally as far as labels but also like. its a lot you know?#im debating trying new mask styles. i wanted to ages ago but hoped. i wouldnt need to wear them for much longer#now it feels like i always will.#so. second best time to plant a tree and all.#i want to get out and make friends and do fun stuff. but it's so fuckibg hard and scary#how can i make friends when i cant relax in small indoor spaces#when i. cant eat out at restaurants (due to food issues and masking)#when inviting people to my house makes me anxious for days#how can i make friends under those circumstances?#im so lonely. and so envious#of my friends who do stuff and gave partners. i want that for me but i cant have it. before it was because i moved. ecery 3-6 months#now its this. is it realky any wonder that i nearly cried reading that fic the other day#when Etho took off his mask. and it was treated so fucking kindly and like the trust geasture it was? that it would be. for me?#maybe trust is the wrong word. i dont know. comfort? feeling safe in a space with someone who respects me and my health?
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*minecraft damage noise every few seconds, i am dying of cold*
#ouaaggghh i hatee winterrr 😭 put me in your heatwave please ill thrive#all the work weve done for years to not be actively suicidal and winter comes along like lol but what if you did it though fr#wouldnt that be cool. wouldnt that be chill? if you if you if you died right now of cold exposure and loneliness? and lack of colours#thats how winters talk to me and it hits hard every fucgeen time. i want to die so bad rn (no i dont i just wish it wasnt cold)#.(i just wish it wasnt so cold.)#personal#hm im gonna order a burger and watch a zelda marathon and then not move any more today i think. maybe for til i have to groceries anyway#eugh. ouggh. aaagh. euughh. owch#its just some cold weather why am i still so bad at handling it. it makes me think of fears like when people say the cure t fear is exposure#but then ive experienced 26 years of nighthtimes and they never get less scary? i never have less fear? so riddle me that batman#thats how i feel about winter im not scared of it as sush but its like. why so much effect on me still after living through many winters#i know this will pass and i know i own an electric blanket but it always gets to this point#and it feels like ittl be forever one way or another. ill either die of cold or the cold will never end#anyway if u see this send me pics of animals you think look cozy. idc if theyre yours or from the internet idc#i wont respond bc im busy wanting to die but itd be a nice moment of comfort anyway
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to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.
when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.
but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.
#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL#ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as#possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch#i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my#peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts#i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont#even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix.#i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a#part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase.#i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know#there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem#for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes#im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times#anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better#than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know?#being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be#that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends)#hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a#good person it is within ur hands i promise u#ok love u goodnight#personal
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avoiding talking to my fp about feelings by ignoring them again peace and love on planet earth
#vent post#sorry i just#' let me be selfish this once ' i . always try#i dont know how to convince her that im not leaving#anytime i express happiness that fp2 talked to me ( which ties into a fear that i have about fps not speaking to me for days at a time )#( thanks jay )#he gets upset and immediately thinks ive just . replaced her as someone special in my life#when honestly at this point i dont think i could ever live without him ? really ??#i dont know what i can do to finally make her realize that no matter what im literally still always talking to him at the end of the day#even when we fight even if someone else had my attention even when i have a partner thats not him#i dont know what to do and its scary and people are so terrifying i dont want her upset over me time and time again#he really needs to find a new fp or just try not to care about me so much because 1 ) im not something that should be cared about in the -#- first place and 2 ) i clearly just keep directly upsetting her over and over so im not good for him whatsoever#even if im not doing it on purpose he splits directly because of me and when i split at her its because ive let things stack up without -#- handling them for too long so its more like misdirected rage because im such a high strung person#i dunno man im just#one of my fps hardly talks to me and the other is too attached to me im stuck in a hell of my own creation#might call the crisis line again its such a time#man i so totally really love december nothing bad EVER happens in december !!!!
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Seeing someone we follow clown on analog horror is always so fucking weird. like motherfucker no horror media is scary why is it only joke worthy when its a freaky face on some old ass boobtube instead of in front of a handheld camera or some actor. its all fake as shit none of it can hurt you. jumpscares are as non scary as analog horror cliches as existential horror as slashers as zombie flicks as etc etc.
#horror#horror media#analog horror#ive talked about this in the tags of some random ass post but now im putting it here cause i cant sleep and want to fight someone#none of us in this system feels any real fear from horror media. none of them.#not video games not movies not tv shows not books not nothing.#its all not scary we just ogle the cool designs#so its always so fucking weird seeing people shit talk some horror genre or whatever cause like#what the fuck are you/are you not experiencing from this shit? fucking tell us you weird fucks whats in this?#-salem
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I read your Mario Lore/Headcanons dump fic on AO3 and it was!!!! SO GOOD!!!!!! And so cool???? The Luma Luma life cycle the Stars being gods the inclusion of the Thunder and Fire dudes from Super star Saga, the Power up list, but mostly the Mushroom/Koopa kingdom backstories!!! Thousands of years of war ended because some guys were bad parents! Amazing!!
It was so well explained I couldn't for so long think of any questions for you because I understood it so well you wrote it all so clear and understandable I feel like I just pulled a History Book off a self in Peach's Library it's sooo coooooooool
Anyway tell me about the Borealis Kingdom!! What happened to it? Was Rosalina just a citizen or royalty? What were the people like? Any information you have on it I'm sooooo curious!
“I feel like I just pulled a History Book off a shelf in Peach’s Library” IS PROBABLY THE MOST AMAZING AND WONDERFUL COMPLIMENT I’VE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE???? THANK YOU!!!! Like!!! That means so so soooo much to me!! This world is practically my home and all the stuff I make up about it is essentially me trying to have a deeper and cohesive understanding of it and that just makes me feel very *incoherent babbling and squealing while shaking my hands*
Okay anyway about the Borealis Kingdom!! Rosalina was the princess! Her parents were King Vega and Queen Rosetta (yes I stole that from Rosie’s Japanese name nxbcjscbs), and I don’t have a name for her brother yet rip x^x. I don’t have much info on the people themselves, just that they worshipped the Stars and made ritual wishes to them frequently. The kingdom fell shortly after Rosalina was called into space. Like, probably within a decade or so.
The relations between the Borealis and Koopa Kingdoms were neutral for the most part. They weren’t enemies, though they didn’t consider each other allies either. Tensions could’ve easily rose at any time, but it never happened. During this time, the Fire God was still active in the Koopa Kingdom, so the Koopas were perfectly content with life and showed no interest in relations with other kingdoms.
Goombas and Toads are both native to the Borealis Kingdom and its surrounding areas, but their populations only began to grow substantially following the kingdom’s fall.
…And that’s all I’ve got! I don’t have too much info on pre-modern era stuff, but I hope you enjoy this small amount of info nonetheless ^^”
#answered the thing#super mario headcanons#i cannot express enough how happy it makes me that you enjoyed my lore fic!!#when i say i was overprotective of my hcs i mean veeeeeery overprotective#like i’ve kept adding stuff to this world for nearly a decade but i’ve always been scared to share any of it#theres something so terribly vulnerable about sharing this world with others that i cannot really explain??#and its not even like this is an au or anything this is just. my actual canon of how i see the games#and ive always *wanted* to talk about it but it was just so scary to me#sorry to rant in the tags lol but all of this is to say that#for this being my very first time sharing something so deeply important to me#it means a whole lot to get such an enthusiastic and encouraging response from someone!!#so thank you very much for your interest it truly means so much to me
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Mordred as a persona is so refreshing for me to draw because while I put a lot of thought into other persona designs with Mordred I just went "big dark half rotten dragon :]" and ran with it
#oc tag#literally just me saying fuck the rules and having fun#by rules i mean general design conventions + my own rules lol#whenever im really pissed off about something i draw him its so cathartic#its also really fun because ive always wanted to draw dragons but never knew how#so im kinda learning through him and its really fun making inner child me happy u know#you could argue that mordred not looking like a persona is like deliberate cause his awakening is unnatural#but eh whatever hes really just self indulgent#ive been thinking a lot about him and black mask lately ngl#id love the share the new design with ye but honestly most of these sketches im doing are for me and me alone so#sorry u guys know i love talking about my persona designs and im just not having a good time rn so#ramble about the big scary dragon persona time it is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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God I'm gonna miss this place
#{🔇} - bee vents#like. im not saying that im gonna peak in high school or anything#but these past 4 years#especially my senior year#have been so fun#I met so many amazing people and Ive had so much fun#Im sitting in math rn cracking up and realizing that after monday ill never have this experience again#and an old friend contacted me today and gave me 2 really meaningful things even though we havent talked much in years#and another old friend and I have been in contact recently with graduation coming up#its just#all hitting me suddenly that all this amazing stuff is gonna end#idk how many of these people ill be able to keep in contact with even though I really want to#life just doesnt always work out and i know that but it doesnt make me any less sad#i still have one day left after today so im gonna try and enjoy it#i just got hit with all of this all of a sudden and i cried over it earlier even thiugh ive been trying not to cry about all of this yet#idk i feel like my thoughts are really jumbled#everythings just changing all at once and its really scary and hard to come to terms with#after monday ill never be a kid again. ill have college and real adult responsibilities#:/
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my mom got very very drunk yesterday and she's an aggressive drunk, not physically but it amplifies her anger and irritation by like 6, and she's already a very very explosive and volatile woman. she got in a fight with her boyfriend and was screaming and drove off to the middle of nowhere and that's why my sister called and im so proud of her for reaching out and asking me to call, and i think she is too, she said she wants to call me more for sure and wants to ask more, and that she felt a lot better after we called. that feels good for me, even if im worrying about it now, at her age i didn't have anyone to turn to or call, so im glad i get to be that for her. i fucking hate my parents man
#my mom is so.#shes just not well man. she isn't healthy#neither is my dad.#working on myself away from them has gotten so scary because. holy shit. holy shit they are. like. broken people. not in the sad way but#like in a 'how how the fuck did you get this far in life without dying. how. how did you fucking do that'#my dad aparently hates his job and wants to quit because and i quote 'the teenage workers wont clean up after themselves'#and now he 'has to' deal with that at home AND at work#and i swear hes makingf it up in his head because literally he is a hoarder and insane and expected all of us to keep the house with him in#it cleaned without him actually putting in any effort. so i assume thats what happening at his job too but thats so baffling because its li#llike how are you a grown man fucking acting like this at your minimum wage job#how .#youre fucking inane#anyways everyones scared he might kill himself too so now ive gotta worry abotu BOTH parents killing themself#and even when i moved he was lkike we need to talk about where my moneys going if i die before youre twenty four#and of course i was like. huh!? i dont think youre going to...?#and he was like yeah we just gotta make sure though#HUH?!#but i assumed thats bexcause fucking everyone has us brainwashed that hes going to die of a heart attack#i brought that up with my sister too i was like. i swear its not even a real threat but everyones always freaking out about it but hes#literally never had heart problems and has fantastic blood tests other than slightly high cholestoral. its literally just because my step#moms dad died of a heart attack and she proojected it onto him and said i was going to give him one#and now my entire family is convinced thats how hes going to die#but my sister said my mom took her to my dads house at one point and he didnt answer the doorbell for HOURS#he was asleep but while drivbing away my mom was like 'phew i thought we were going to walk in on him dead'#BROOO WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WITH OCD AND PTSD FUCK OFFFFFF#I HATE YOU#txt
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sometimes i remember our official government funded anti drink driving campaign motto is “drink driving? selfish prick”
#our drink driving ads are brutal#same with the speeding ones#but we know our people so well that some pretentious after school special shit wouldnt work on us so they just went fuck it dial it up to 11#like simulating accidents where they kill kids and show weeping mothers seeing their son under a sheet type shit#and a deiver wandering through a crash all fucked up and bloody as he tries to make excuses but turns out hes dead#they do not hold that shit back#and good that they dont#ve lost two people in car crashes i dont want to lose any more#weve always been full on with our ads#the smoking ones were fucked#where they squeezed out all the gunk and shit in a real artery to show how much it clogs you up#i dont think they play that one anymore#probably bc of how fucked it was#but i remember my mum talking about the aids awareness ads about the grim reaper coming after people and how scary it was#we just dont pull any punches in this country#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#straya#australia
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going out with coworkers tomorrow night. please god grace me with the ability to act like a semi-normal human being
#ive literally never done this before. and its good. but its scary 😵💫#i always have an issue talking about myself bc im not out so i feel like im starting at a baseline of dishonesty#and then. well. it seems like a lot of people dont love talking about death and horror and politics#which is what occupies a lot of my thoughts#plus i freeze up when im put on the spot#i have had people unexpectedly ask me what kind of music i listen to and my mind goes blank#even though. its a question that i obviously know the answer to. my brain just doesn't compute#idk. i can interact with people politely in general (although. there is still a stiltedness to it)#but i have a really difficult time conversing with other people without mostly just focusing on asking them questions#(which works a lot of the time! but not always..)#doubtful that anyone will read all this anyway but just one more additional thing#im just nervous bc i do sort of want people to like me. but also im kind of scared to like other people bc what if they leave#<- guy who has just started having recognizable human emotions again in the past year or so#i repeat. its good despite being scary. i am doing it scared.
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its so interesting having a therapist who is openly anti-work bc for the first time like. ever. i can go to my therapist and be like "look. idrk if I Want to work today" and she takes that as a valid reason to explore taking the day off & the anxiety underlying the whole thing and like... Isnt trying to convince me i Should Work bc i physically Can, but rather just trying to illuminate the whole situation and give me a safe environment to acknowledge my Wants as well as my Needs and like idk. i just really appreciate that
#and like to be clear: she IS encouraging me to take the day off#and like. its nice#its nice that she understands that sometimes u just wanna play hooky and that also causes anxiety#i mentioned the anxiety of playing hooky (or being perceived as such) and she just went “ok so what” 😭#and like that sounfs dismissive#but i really need to be reminded things like. arent as scary as they Feel (bc i Will back off of caring for my at the slightest Pressure)#and that it's okay to Want to just be home for a day even if im not like. sick or doubled over in pain but like. just want a day#idk i just really appreciate her#this session was pretty much her praising me for doing conflict resolution even tho it was hard#and catching up on some things#im getting better at talking about like. Things in general#which is a good sign#i think we're starting our EMDR next month or the following based on how well im coping#honestly ive been doing REALLY good with therapy and coping recently even tho ik it may not always seem like it#I really really appreciate this therapist
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#personal#i dont really know how to talk about this but i am scared. for myself. not for my system but for me and also for my sys#im primary protector. i am the oldest being in this body by time (not by age). i was one of the first created at the bodys 9month old Thing#ive always had a background almost co-con role. not fully cocon but i contribute to a lot of the blur because im always close enough to#the front to be able to step in as quickly as possible if needed. and to give instructions and warnings to whoevers in front and needing it#the last maybe 2 months? 3? ive taken up a more active hosting role in a cycle with 3 others#im really worried that its been happening so much that its impacting my duties as primary protector. im scared the brain has been#keeping things from me or shutting of knowledge i did have access to to help me adjust to concept of hosting#i cant see the inner as clearly as i could. i know my girlfriends in there somewhere but reaching out only has like a 12% chance of#getting through when ive spent the last 14 years almost living on top of her as she was the old host.#it feels rough and scary. like i know shes in there i think our gatekeep would tell me if she became dormant even if i was full host so i#i have to belive shes alright in there but i do miss her so bad. i want to know shes okay. i want to hold her#im mostly worried about losing more access to information i used to have and diminishing my use in my protector role as a result#i dont want to be a host. i need to feel like i can talk to my guys and gals and pals with the clarity and communication weve spent the last#4 years building. i feel there are more capable than me to replace me and allow me to step back and resume background-host/protector stuff#they are untrained and unfamiliar with our life but theyre not trauma holders. what do they call those? normal parts? dont like that languag#but they dont have the trauma related issues that some olthers/old hosts do and can be trained in the running of the life#we dont work we dont really leave the house due to agoraphobia so we have the time and space to train a new host#idk what to do#idk where this went i guess this is venting you can ignore it#but i guess the solution is to talk to the one cohost i can still talk with and see if they can do some hiring for me#get them to head in and see if the brain will cooperate to bring someone else out to take my host spot soon#or make one but thats not ideal id prefer to avoid that if we can. but i can feel myself reaching my limits for this#somethings gotta give soon either way#system#although we already have 3 other hosts in roster and several alters created specifically for that hanging out inside too so maybe#maybe things wont crumble if i just decide to step back on my own. if i can. harder to step back when i cant access inner but maybe if i can#then we will survive with the 3
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yet again wondering when ill realize that certain people do not change and are always going to try to fuck me up ):
#self#basically this friend i have who is....an enigma#we have had like 3 or 4 falling outs bc shes a fucking psychopath and loses her shit a few times a year since ive known her#anyways last night she came at me WRECKLESS claiming shes been told i said some horrible ass shit about her that i Literally Did Not#and she said some mean ass shit to me#anyways....i keep trying to pretend like its not effecting me but like....no it fucking sucks to have someone you were incredibly close with#just decide theyre going to believe other people over you#she was being so mean and i made it so ungodly obvious that i dont feel negatively about her and that i genuinely just wish her well#and everyone ive talked to about it that knows her just keeps trying to get me to block her and all say the same hateful stuff they always#used to when it comes to her...which trust me at this point i fucking get it#but i hate that i still want to defend her after she refused to listen to me and basically called me a charity case#fun fact cunt!! i actually have other friends and people who genuinely want me around meanwhile besides me all you have is friends who have#told me they think you are literally dangerous and scary and you have your mom and shitty fiance and your god damn baby#but sure im the fucking charity case#im also just....i am too fucking old for this shit and shes even older than me and has a god damn kid like im begging you just mature a bit#not to god damn mention she blamed every single one of her problems on me NEWSFLASH no i didnt sister#that was all you and your doing!!!#anyways sorry for the rant and god bless anyone who read these tags i am So Sorry
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oh don't worry, im one of the "chill" trans women. im one of the good ones. i guess im the only trans woman in this group of friends, so i have to set a good example. you think trans women are mean? sorry, ill be more of a pushover to try and fix that. am i being too pushy? im sorry. yeah, i just want to be a normal girl. ive never met those bad trans women you're talking about but. i guess i shouldn't be like them if i ever want to have friends. hmm? why am i single? oh, dating is scary for trans women... im sorry i didn't mean to imply trans women have it harder, i just meant... im sorry. am i being too loud? am i taking up too much space? im sorry. i was just excited, ill try not to laugh so loud next time. im sorry. im so glad i got to meet another trans woman for once, she was really nice. what? oh, you didn't like her? you thought she was creepy? im sorry, i didn't know... i won't talk to her again. desire? i have none. sense of self? whatever you find acceptable. what's my type? what you've deemed appropriate. why do i always look so sad? im sorry, ill try to smile more. ill be good.
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Im on hour 24 of this migraine and have stopped focusing on pain management type solutions and I'm looking more into how to let the unending pain fuel me to commit atrocities I would be too cowardly to otherwise
#face hurts disease#I had a really scary moment yesterday where i couldn't read or talk#im fine now but i have an exit interview today and will not be able to get as like ...angry as I want#the pain isnt behind my eye anymore and im looking forward to the pop! of no pain + euphoria after#i was with my friend all day yesterday and she watched me burst into tears#close my eyes all day. slur my words. complain about how it hurts#and i told my mom about the aphasia and she was like go to the doctor????#tell me why my first reaction was...no honestly it wasnt that bas. was i making it up for attention 🤔#it literally still hurts now wtf#im coping with the fact that ive always had migraines but didn't have a word for them#thought that migraine didn't apply to me because i didn't get them frequently or they weren't often disruptive#im just like ah been staring at the screen too long. starting to get a hot headache#or ooh everything is bright and smelly time for bed#i remember once being so light headed n my mom said i looked pale and i just couldn't find the energy to talk. just was like yeah headache#you know how those are
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