#and my first thought was 'jesus of COURSE he's not entirely happy with his new funky arm'

[radiodread]

a constant reminder.

[gojos-thot-patrol]

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Starring: Frat boy! Sukuna and a (possibly) pregnant reader

Synopsis: Funny how something as small as a grain of rice can cause a shift so massive in so many lives. Deny all he wants, you're having a baby and now Ryomen has to comes to terms with being a young dad. While it can be read on it's own, this is also part of the Frat Boy Au, which you can read here!

Content Warnings: a pregnancy scare, other than that, it's mostly fluff ;)

(Also, if yall want a song to go with the fic: New Mistakes by Jellyfish inspired it)

You had experienced time slowing down before. It slowed down as you walked across the stage for your high school graduation. It had slowed down again when you got your acceptance letter to college. It slowed down the first time you saw your now boyfriend, and when you met his mom for the first time. But it had never been slower than it was now, as you sat on your bed, staring at the Clearblue pregnancy test in your hand.

“Well, what’s it say?!” You roommate, Mei Mei, asked- arguably more nervous than you were. She knew Ryomen was bad news, but she didn’t think he was this fucking bad. She moved to try and take the test from your hand, only for Shoko to slap her shoulder.

“Stop making a bad situation worse Mei.” Shoko growled, irritated from not being able to light a cigarette during this high stress situation.

“Two lines…” You mumbled, not looking up from the stick, “Two lines, what does two lines mean!?” Their expressions told you everything you needed to know. Panic filled you as you dropped the test and grabbed a pillow to scream into. God, how could you have let this happen?! Your period was only a few days late, you had taken the test mostly to put Mei Mei at ease. You didn’t know if you were happy you took it or not anymore.

“It’s okay Y/n, we’ll figure this out.” Shoko sighed as she rubbed your back, failing to hide the disappointment in her voice.

“How am I supposed to tell him?!” You panicked as you ripped your head up from the pillow, “How do you tell someone you ruined there life?!”

“You ruined his life?!” Mei Mei scoffed in disbelief at the assertion, “You should be asking him how the hell he plans to make this up to you! He ruined your life!”

“Nobody's life is ruined!” Shoko snapped at the both of you. “It’s a baby not cancer, Jesus fucking Christ. And it’s not like you don’t have options. You’re the one in control here Y/n, whatever you want to happen will happen.” She said, motherly assurance uncharacteristically thick in her tone. It did make you feel a little bit better about the situation. You weren’t absolutely powerless here.

And it wasn’t like you were against being a mother. Quite the contrary, you liked the idea. Of course, you never thought it would be this soon in your life, but…the universe had a funny way of handling things. And if you were going to have a baby, you didn’t think you could have picked a better guy than Ryomen. He was loving, and kind, not to mention the fact he was guaranteed a good job out of college. But, you also knew that he was beyond nervous about being a dad one day, terrified by the notion of becoming his own father.

“I need to talk to Ryomen.” You sighed. 

🍼🍼🍼

“Dude, In what world does a theoretical physicist need to know about the themes of The Metamorphosis, so a dude becomes a bug, so wh-”

“Hey, shut up Y/n just texted me.” Ryomen cut Satoru off as he checked his phone, the buzzing alerting him to a notification. They were sitting next to each other on the couch, venting about classes they hated. Sugruru was sitting on the arm of the couch closest to Satoru, and Nanami taking up an entire love seat across from them as he played on his own phone. It was a relief to have an excuse to end this conversation really. Ryomen did not have it in him to try and listen to his frat brother straight up misunderstand classic literature for the millionth time.

“And you couldn’t wait to answer it until I finished my sen-”

“No, Y/n texted.” Ryomen said without looking up from his phone, but trusting his tone got across his annoyance. Satoru knew you took precedence, Ryomen didn't know why he was acting like you didn’t all of the sudden.

“And she couldn't wait for two-”

“Are you still talking?” Ryomen snapped. Satoru let out an irritated grumble, frustrated he couldn’t go on his (ill informed) rant about how classic American literature, and literature in general, was useless. “Y/n wants to come over.” Ryomen informed his frat brothers. “Like, now.”

“What’s up with Y/n?” Suguru asked from his spot on the arm of couch, deciding it was safe to enter the conversation now that there was no hope of Satoru going on his rant.

“No clue, she just says we need to talk.” He grumbled softly as he typed on his phone. It wasn’t like you to be this cagey about anything, and he would be lying if he said it didn’t concern him at least a little.

“Dude, shes gonna break up with you.” Satoru's mouth moved faster than his brain did, and for it he got a swift elbow to the stomach. 

“No she’s not.” Ryomen hissed. “She just wants to talk.”

“It’s probably to make plans for fall break, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.” Nanami said, quickly getting irritated with all the arguing. 

“Yeah, the dorms close in, what, like two weeks?” Suguru confirmed, “She’s probably gonna ask to stay with your family so she doesn't have to fly back to her own.”

“You’re probably right.” Ryomen took a deep breath to try and calm himself down. That made sense. You got along great with his mom and brother, and your own family basically not at all. It tracked that you would rather drive a few hours and spend a week with people you liked than fly out to people you didn’t. Yeah, that made sense. Yeah.

So why did he still feel so anxious?

🍼🍼🍼

Ryomen had never been more convinced that you were going to leave him than he was now. As you sat across from him on the bed, starring at your fidgeting hands as if they held the secrets to the universe. Something was palpably wrong, he could feel it hanging in a thick veil between the two of you. He didn’t know if he should reach beyond it to hold you, or give you your space and let you come to him. He settled on nervously picking at his nails.

“So, uh, you wanted to talk?” He asked.

“Yeah, I, uh..I’m just trying to think of how to say this.” You muttered. He felt the color drain from his life when you said that. What did he do? Was it about Amy- or whatever the fuck her name was? That was a month ago now, surly it wasn’t that. Was it someone else? That thought made Ryomen realize that actually, he was capable of murder. 

He could feel his jaw clench at the thought of you with another man, white hot rage filling his hands and emotions while images of you with a stranger flashed in his head against his will. What the fuck did that asshole have that he didn’t? What made them think they were worthy of your smile, of your laugh, of you? Who did they think they were?

“Ryomen, I’m pregnant.”

“He’ll never love you like I do.” There was a thick silence of a different variety as they two of you spoke over each other, both of you trying to process what the other said.

“A-are you saying the…baby won’t love me?” You weren’t offended, you were just confused.

“You’re fucking pregnant?” Ryomen could feel his entire world shifting in real time. Thank god you weren’t leaving, but…Pregnant?

“Yeah, that’s what I said, what did You say?” You questioned again, trying to figure out where the fuck that came from. Of all the things you expected him to say, it wasn’t whatever he said.

“It doesn’t really matter what I said, forget I said anything, how long have you known?” He asked, finally pushing past the veil to wrap his arms around you. 

“Like…maybe thirty minuets?” You sighed, rubbing your face as the stress came back. “My period was a week late, so…I took a test, and well…Baby.” You still weren’t sure this was all real.

Ryomen felt the world freeze around him as reality took hold. A dad? He couldn’t be a fucking dad. He was in his fucking twenties, he still had two years left until he graduated, he couldn’t be a dad yet! He thought about his own father, who buckled under the pressure and ran off the moment things got hard. What if he inherited that kind of cowardice? Hell, he didn’t even have the spine to tell his dad to fuck off when he came back in his life after eleven years of radio silence just to completely take control of his future, how the fuck was he supposed to raise a child?!

“Babygirl, that’s amazing!” He smiled, pulling you into his lap and kissing your forehead, “You’re going to be an amazing mom.”

“You think so?” You whispered, taking some comfort in his confidence, It eased your own fear about the uncertain future. 

“Of course I do.” He assured you with the grin that got you into this mess in the first place. Ryomen was fucking petrified of what came next, and he could tell you were too. To him, easing your fear was the most important thing. He could have his own freak out later, right now he needed to be here for you. 

And his words did the trick. Slowly you could feel the tension melting from your shoulders as it settled in that he wasn’t mad, and you weren’t in this alone. “God, I was so scared you where going to leave.” You confessed, feeling the tears pool in the corner of your eyes. His arms tightened around you, holding you like he feared you might be the one to run.

“I’m not going anywhere Babygirl, I promise,” He swore to you, kissing the top of your head, “Wherever you are, that’s were I’ll be. Right next to you and our baby.” His smile was so reassuring, for a second, you actually felt hopeful for the future. He pulled your face to his, and you melted into his kiss.

Ryomen laid with you in his bed, cuddling and talking softly until you finally passed out. He insisted on you staying the night with him, if for no other reason than he found comfort in having you near. He waited until he knew you were in a deep sleep, breathing softly and steadily. He kissed your cheek before he slipped out of bed, into the kitchen for a beer, then out to the balcony to drink it. He was leaning against the old wooden railing, running a hand through his hair as he tried to visualize what his future would look like now.

“So a baby, huh?” He nearly jumped out of his skin at Suguru's voice.

“Jesus fucking Christ, a warning Geto!” He hissed as he took a drink of the cheap beer, giving Suguru the side eye as he leaned next to him.

“Sorry, I’ll make sure to yell at the top of my lungs everywhere I go from now on.” Suguru chuckled softly.

“How do you know we’re having a baby?” Suguru grimaced a little at the pink haired mans question, knowing he got the information through unethical means.

“Satoru listened in on yours and Y/n conversation.” He said as if his ear wasn’t pressed up against the door too, “Sorry.”

“Mmm.” Ryomen groaned, not wanting to accept the apology, but acknowledging it none the less.

“So…whats the plan?” Suguru asked the question no one really wanted to ask, but everyone wanted the answer to.

“The plan is I’m going to be a dad, I guess.” Ryomen grumbled, not really use to the idea yet. He took another drink.

“Well, in that case, congratulations then!” Suguru smiled, taking the cheap beer from Ryomen’s hand and lifting it up, “To the new dad! You’ll do great.” He said as he took a drink.

“Gee, thanks you’re too kind.” Ryomen scoffed.

“Hey man, I’m serious.” Suguru insisted, “I think you’ll be a great dad, if for no other reason than cause your dad sucked. You have the perfect example of what not to do.”

“No I don’t.” Ryomen argued, stress edging into his tone against his will, “My dad wasn’t even there to show me what to not do, he was fucking gone! I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do!” His panic was getting the better of him. He took his beer back and took another drink.

“No one does.” Suguru chuckled, still as calm as ever. “You think this shit comes with a manual? No parent in the long history of parenting has ever known what they were doing. But, you’re worried about it. You’re worried about being a good dad. And that’s further than any shitty parent gets. Probably further than you’re dad got. It shows you care man. And besides, you’ll have Y/n with you. She’s going to be a fantastic mom. If shes got the patience to deal with us, a toddler will be a breeze.”

“I don’t know man. What if…what if I am just like my dad?” Ryomen muttered. He looked just like him. He was going to take over his business. Hell, after his dad forced him to be a business major, Ryomen even changed his last name back to his fathers. It made sense at the time, a Sukuna should be the one to take over the Sukuna family business. But, now? Now that he had to pass that last name on? He wasn’t sure he wanted it. “What if it’s just…in my blood to be my dad?”

Suguru actually laughed at that, hard enough to embarrass the man next to him. “Ryomen, being a shitty person is not genetic I assure you. If it was, Nanami would be a lot more insufferable. It’s not up to our parents to decide who we are as people, that for us to decide and us alone. You’re not your DNA sequencing, you’re the actions that you take and the choices that you make. Your father has no control over that.”

“I mean…yeah. I guess you’re right.” Ryomen muttered, taking another drink before handing the bottle back to Suguru. As cliche as it may have been to say, he was starting to feel better. Maybe he wasn't doomed to be his father. Maybe the Sukuna name wasn’t a death sentence.

“Of course I’m right.” Suguru grinned as he finished off the beer. “So what are you going to do now?” He asked.

“Now?” Ryomen sighed, “Now I need to go talk to my mom.”

🍼🍼🍼

It was a week before Ryomen found the time to make the drive home. A week that he spent attached to your hip. A week making sure you didn’t have to lift up a single thing, a week of threatening anyone who dared smoke around you, and a week of coming to terms with his new future. The two of you had spent the time researching doctors, and on baby forums looking for advice. He was relieved to admit, he kinda became fond of the idea of having a little baby running around. 

He started to imagine what they would look like, what they would sound like, and what their favorite color would be. Money wouldn’t be an issue once he took over Malevolent Shrine International, so he wasn’t worried about that. Honestly, you wouldn't have to work if you didn’t want to, and if you did want to he could afford child care. The two- No. The three of you were going to be okay. He hoped it would be only three.

He knocked on the door of his childhood home, having forgot his key and not being willing to go all the way back for it. Much to his dismay, Yuji answered the door. 

“Sorry, sign says no solicitors.” He said, quickly trying to close the door. Ryomen was fast to push against him, trying to get his body through the crack in the entry. 

“Open the door brat or I’m going to wipe your hard drive.” Ryomen threatened,

“College hasn’t changed you one bit, has it?” Yuji scoffed, sticking his tongue out at his brother. 

“It’s made me more prone to violence, wanna see?” Ryomen growled as he pushed against the door harder. Yuji stood firm though, an immovable object to Ryomen’s unstoppable force. 

“I’m going to tell Y/n you said that!” It was Yuji’s turn to threaten, “I’m also going to tell her that you beat me up! And you’re mean! And that you kick kittens!”

“Why you little-” Ryomen finally got his arm through the small space, almost getting a hand on his little brother before his mothers voice brought the entire show to a halt.

“Are you two Trying to break my door?!” She sounded exasperated, “Yuji, let your brother in!” The moment their mother got involved the boys remembered how to act, with Yuji calmly opening the door and Ryomen walking in like he wasn’t just trying to strangle his little sibling. 

“Hi Mom.” He said, smiling warmly as she came up and hugged him.

“Hi Honey,” She said, giving him a soft pat on the cheek. “Wheres Y/n? I made coffee.”

“She had a test today, she couldn’t make it.” He said. That was a lie. You were completely free, but, he didn't want you here for this conversation.

“Mmm, you know your ears turn red when you lie, right?” His mom laughed as she walked to the kitchen. He followed her with a roll of his eyes, sitting at the kitchen table.

“She was busy, alright?” He defended himself as his mom put a coffee cup in front of him, sitting across from him with her own.

“Sure. So what did you need to talk about sweetie?” She asked. Ryomen took a moment to really study his mom. She didn’t look so different from how he remembered her in his childhood. A few more wrinkles, a lot more gray hair, but still his mother none the less. He wondered how she felt when she realized she was having a baby.

“So, um…Y/n is…” He couldn’t make eye contact.

“Ryomen, don’t tell me you got that poor girl pregnant.” She gasped, putting down her mug and looking at him with demanding eyes. 

“Why would you jump to that?!” He tried to deflect.

“Then tell me she’s not.” She said, looking at him with a scowl that dared him to try and lie.

“....She is.” He sighed, taking a drink from his coffee to get away from her disappointed gaze.

“Sweet Jesus...” His mom sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead. Then she laughed a little, shaking her head with a soft smile she tried to hide behind her coffee cup.

“What?” He asked. She shook her head again.

“Nothing just…well, I guess I was around your age when I had you. A little younger. You can’t really be mad at the apple for not falling too far from the tree now, can you?” She chuckled softly, and it put Ryomen at ease. So she wasn’t going to eviscerate him. Good. 

“Yeah, well…Gotta honor some family traditions, am I right?” He tried to joke, only to be quickly shut up by his mothers disapproving glare. 

“So whats your plan big man?” She asked, “You’re not going to leave her alone with this, that’s for damn sure.”

“No mom, I couldn’t even imagine-”

“Good, cause I’ll choose Y/n over you every time.” She teased. 

“I know mom.” He smiled, “Good to know you like her, cause that makes this question a lot easier to ask.”

“Oh?” He really caught her attention now.

“I was wondering, do you know where Grandmas wedding ring is?” He bit his lip as he finally said it out loud. Even before you were pregnant, every time Ryomen imagined his future, it was always with you as his wife. He couldn’t conceive of a life without you by his side, now more so than ever. He was going to make things right, and unlike his own dad, he wasn’t going to wait for the second baby to do it. He knew he was on the right track when he saw his mothers proud smile.

“As a matter of a fact, I think I do. I think I know where some of your old baby clothes are too, hold on.”

🍼🍼🍼

“Ryo!” You smiled as he walked into the entry of the frat house, carrying a walmart bag of old baby clothes. You were down the stairs and in his arms in an instant, laughing happily as you jumped to him. He caught you with a grin, spinning you around before putting you back on the ground.

“I could get used to that.” He teased. You smiled and rolled your eyes playfully at him.

“I’m sure you could. Ryo, I have amazing news, I- wait, what’s in the bag?” You asked as your brain finally registered that there was something in his hand. 

“Oh, yeah!” He smiled excitedly as he put the bag on the coffee table, “Remember how I went to talk to my mom? She says hi by the way, but look! She still had some of mine and Yuji’s old baby clothes!” He said, pulling out a truly precious onesie, covered in stars and a rocket ship, followed by a red, blue, and yellow stripped jumper.

“Oh baby-” You sighed as you realized your good news might actually not be good news.

“I know it’s not a lot, and its all kinda old and used, but it’s a start, you know? Something to bring the baby home in.”  He said, putting the clothes down and wrapping his arms around your waist.

“Baby, I’m not pregnant.” You dropped that like a nuke. He blinked at you as he tried to process what you just said.

“Huh?”

“I’m not pregnant Ryomen, I’m sorry. I got my period.” You said, gently cupping his cheek. You did not expect a reaction like this at all. Confusion, sure, but not…disappointment?

“But I thought you took a test?” He asked, trying to catch up to reality.

“I did, but it must have been a false positive. Apparently that’s pretty common with my birth control.”

“Oh…” He wasn’t expecting to feel so upset about this either. Like the entire world he had build up in his mind was gone. He realized he was going to be mourning the death of someone who truly never existed, and felt so ridiculous about it. He didn’t realize he was tearing up until you brushed a tear off his cheek.

“I’m sorry Ryo…but, hey! Look on the bright side, we get to keep our twenties!” You chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood. He smiled gently and nodded.

“You’re right it’s just…I don’t know. I kinda liked the idea of starting a family with you.” He confessed softly, an idea that would have made his skin crawl just a little over a year ago. You really did force him to grow up. You laughed a little more sincerely this time, and gave him a quick kiss.

“Sorry Ryo, if you want a family, you’re gonna have to upgrade from the girlfriend package to the wifey bundle.” You teased him. 

“Y/n!” Gojo yelled from up the stairs, “Nanami got tired of waiting for you, he un-paused the game!” You paled as you realized that Nanami was unfairly demolishing you at street fighter.

“Hey! That’s illegal!” You yelled as you ran up the stairs to try and salvage the round. Ryomen watched as you ran away, an unfamiliar fondness growing in his chest. Normally, he would have been unbelievably jealous you were hanging out with his friends- especially without him. Now though? He saw it as a good sign.

“Upgrade, huh?” He muttered, mostly to himself. His hand dropped into his pocket, clutching the ring box there. “Don’t worry Y/n. I plan on it.” He promised as he went up stairs to join you. 

[ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused]

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 𝙏𝙒𝙊: 𝘏𝘐, 𝘐'𝘔… 𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘐'𝘔 𝘈𝘕 𝘈𝘓𝘊𝘖𝘏𝘖𝘓𝘐𝘊

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: you meet someone new at your aa meeting and have some conflicting feelings about going out to dinner with spencer.

word count: 2229

warnings: aa meetings, mentions of overdosing, and self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of fainting, and mentions of ambulances.

a/n: HEHE okay, so i don't have much to say about this chapter, just that i'm super happy about the feedback i'm getting. i'm so happy you guys are as excited about this series as i am!! but we get a little looksee inside of how the reader feels about spencer 👀👀

masterlist | series masterlist | AO3

Now picture this.

You’re a bright eyed, bushy tailed twenty something year old artist that’s excited for all that college has to offer.

Then, one day, while your father is standing in the kitchen making dinner, he sways for a moment before hitting the ground with a loud crash, the cutting board he had been stationed over tumbling to the ground with him.

It’s a mess and your mom screams in terror from where she’s sitting next to you on the couch, tears already forming in her eyes as she falls over herself to get to him. You shoot up from where you sit, you’re frozen in place, staring at the scene in front of you paralyzed in shock.

She shouts for you to call an ambulance and you vaguely remember dialing the phone number and speaking to the person on the other end. All you know is that your mom is gently tapping his cheek but he’s not responding. She presses her forehead against his and she begs for him to wake up.

You don’t know what to do. All you can do is stare.

Time is irrelevant as he’s carried out on a stretcher, you and your mother not far behind as you both climb in the back of the ambulance. The lights on top of it glow a bright, blinding red and you see someone run out from the house across from yours, standing in the middle of the road as they watch the entire scene unfold.

The vehicle was moving too fast to get a good look at their face through the door windows by the time you realized it, but you knew it was Spencer.

It’s always been Spencer.

You were nervous.

Today was your first AA meeting and you found your knee bouncing up and down from where you sat in the passenger seat of the car.

“Honey, you’re going to be fine.” Your mom speaks from behind the wheel.

“I know, I know.” You say, yet you shift nervously. “Fuck, I need a cigarette.” You swear, chewing on your nails. “This is a good thing!” Your mother says cheerfully. “New beginnings and all that! Maybe you’ll even meet new people there. Lord knows you need friends.” The last part is mumbled but you heard it.

“Mom!” You exclaim incredulously, looking at her with your mouth ajar. “Sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just… I can’t be your only friend in this, you know that. And those people in there know more about what you’re going through than what I do.” She was right and you knew it.

“Why not?” You whine petulantly. 

She laughs, shaking her head.

It doesn’t take that long to get to the place where the meetings are held, and you stare at it from the window.

“Not that I totally don’t want to get sober, but do I have to?” You turn to your mom with a pleading look. “Jesus, how did you manage to live in New York if you can’t even handle a smaller gathering like this?” 

“I had to stop taking my anxiety meds.” 

Then it clicks and she softens.

“Listen, you’re just going to go in there and listen to other people speak. You don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to, but I want you to at least try and meet new people. Please.” She pleads. You stare at her for a moment before sighing.

“Alright, fine. You’ll pick me up when it’s over?”

“Of course. Now go before you’re late and everyone stares at you.” 

“God you’re the worst.” You groan as you get out of the car. She pauses for a moment before saying, “Good luck!” As you walk away.

AA goes as you had expected it to.

There were fifteen or so people, a little bit bigger than you would have liked, but it was comfortable. No one called on you or forced you to share if you didn’t want to. 

Hearing other people’s struggle was strangely comforting. You hadn’t realized how much your alcoholism had isolated you, separated you from making connections with other people and even yourself. 

Maybe that’s why it’s been hard for you to process the overwhelming feelings you’ve been experiencing lately. You drank to forget and not feeling anything was really just the norm for you. That’s probably why things between you and Luke hadn’t worked out.

Aside from that, you’ve come to learn the names of a few of the pledgers.

The first one was Nikki, a grunge looking Asian-American woman with cropped dyed hair. She ran in a few bad circles when she was younger, grew up in a trailer park and when her girlfriend overdosed in their hotel room, she finally decided it was time to get clean.

Then there was John, an American man with buzzed hair that was an Army Vet that drank to forget the battlefield and chose to get clean after his wife left him. If he didn’t then he wouldn’t get any kind of custody of his kids, let alone visitation.

Then there was Miranda, the oldest AA member that was currently a sponsor. She was a Hispanic woman with a stern demeanor, but she was actually quite kind when she spoke at the podium.

You felt for them all, truly. You found yourself in little pieces of their stories, and it was nice to feel seen.

When the meeting was over, you retreated outside where the other members lingered and talked. You stood off to the side, bringing out your box of cigarettes and sticking one between your lips.

“Can I bum one off you?” You heard someone ask from next to you. Your eyes widened a little at the sight of a suit wearing Miranda, but you stuck the box out towards her, and she took one.

“You got a lighter?” You asked gruffly and she nodded. “Yeah.” She reached into her pocket before you leaned forward into the flame, breathing in the fumes.

“You new?” She asks after her puff. You throw a sidelong glance at her. “Mhm.”

“How’d you like it?” She questions. “Think you’d stick around?” You shrug. “Kinda have too. I got this deal going with my mom; she lets me live with her only if I get my shit together.”

“Sounds like a good woman.” Miranda says, rocking on her heels slightly. She takes another puff before blowing it out. “A great woman.” You admit, taking a drag yourself. “How long have you been around?”

“Two or three years give our take.” She says nonchalantly. “Shit,” You blow out with a whistle. “Good for you.” And you mean it. “Wasn’t easy, but I don’t regret it. I think if you actually commit to it outside of your mom, you’d feel the same.” 

“I’m trying.” You sigh, “But withdrawal is kicking my ass.”

“Ah, the good ol’ days.” She comments sarcastically, but the words aren’t aimed at you. 

“You have a ride home?” She asks after a moment of silence. “Yeah,” You respond, flicking the ash of the burning filter to the ground below. “Cool.” She digs around in her pocket before presenting you a business card with her number on it.

“If you ever need to talk, just give me a call, yeah?” 

“Yeah…” You look up at her. “Thanks.”

Miranda flicks the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with her foot. “See you around.” She says before turning around and walking away.

You follow her, putting out the bud and stomping on it just as your mom’s car swings into view.

Tonight wasn’t a date, just a meal and catching up between friends, but God, why are you so nervous?

You don’t know why you’re so worried about your appearance, but you had changed into three different outfits in the past twenty minutes. You forced yourself to settle for a plain black V-neck shirt and a pair of dark wash jeans that were lost amongst the pile, leaning down to slip on a pair of your plain black Converse.

It was nice but casual. Perfect.

Checking the time on your phone, you had about thirty or so minutes before you had to be there give or take, but you felt restless and wanted to leave early.

Rushing out of the room, you find your mom squished into the crease of the couch with reading glasses perched on her face and her latest crocheting project on her blanketed lap, her knees bent to the side.

“Are you watching Love Island?” You ask with an amused scoff. She directs her attention towards you, ripping her gaze from the TV. “Why yes I am.” She gives you a once-over before nodding her head in approval. “You look nice, are you heading out somewhere?”

“Uh…” You flush. “Yeah… I’m having dinner with Spencer, so I just wanted to know if I could borrow the car tonight?”

“Spencer?” She asks with an intrigued grin. “Since when did you start talking to him again?” You groan. “He came over to see you yesterday when you weren’t home. I invited him in, we talked, and he asked me to dinner.”

“So, he asked you on a date?” She suggests with a wiggle of her brows. “What?” You sputter, “N - no! We're just going to catch up! So, the car, yes, or no?” She laughs aloud, throwing her head back before gesturing to the keys sitting on the coffee table.

“My baby’s all yours, but no smoking in it alright?” She threatens vaguely. You roll your eyes, huffing. “I wasn’t going to anyway. ‘Didn’t want to smell bad.” You say as you reach for the keys. “Oo, wanting to smell good for Spencer I hope?”

“Have I ever told you that you’re the worst?”

“All the time, but you love it.” She relents with a cheeky shrug, her hands resuming their weaving. “I can’t say I don’t.” You say softly. I love you. She smiles gently. “You call me if you need me, yeah?” You nod. “I will.”

“You be safe! And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or actually you should, might do you some good.”

“You’re relentless!” You shout as you exit the house, but there’s still a smile on your face, nevertheless.

Being able to drive again was therapeutic to say the least, you were always too intoxicated to drive, and you weren’t all that interested in getting a DUI. 

You remember always being the one that drove Spencer and yourself around, the man having preferred things like walking, taking the bus, or the train, basically anything that wasn’t an automated vehicle that he had to operate.

You didn’t like when he’d go on public transport by himself, so you had worked hard to get your license. He had questioned your eagerness to take him to and fro, and it had eased your mind.

Things were so simple back then.

You remember sneaking Spencer over to your house for the first time, convincing him to sneak out with you, then, when you were adults, going out during the nighttime willingly to talk about anything and everything under the stars.

When things were simpler, when you weren’t broken. 

You swallow down the lump in your throat and your nerves begin to itch again.

The cravings were still there, but the cigarettes and routine caffeine from the coffee you drank helped to subside it some. But when you face an emotion like this, the need for a drink shoves itself to the forefront of your mind, begging you to do anything but confront it.

You don’t want it to be like that anymore. You want to feel.

You want to feel happy, reminiscent, wistful, grief, depression, hurt; you want to feel everything that comes with being a human, and maybe sitting down and explaining to Spencer what exactly happened would be a good place to start.

The restaurant is a humble thing, small and quaint, but popular.

You figured that you could go and claim a table since you were early, but you felt rooted to your seat, hands still gripping the steering wheel despite the ignition being off.

Fuck, what are you going to do?

You really, really didn’t want to dive into the heavy shit tonight, but you have no idea exactly how to go about this. So much change can happen in five years – you were the prime example of that – what if he’s someone that you don’t know anymore? You used to pride yourself on knowing everything about him.

But now… now it feels like you have no idea how to start.

You slump back in your seat, hands falling in your lap to pick at your cuticles, your teeth finding home in the flaky flesh of your lips. 

This was Spencer. Spencer who loved Doctor Who and was a total germaphobe. Spencer who already knew how to speak different languages and loved Comic Con and cosplay. He was your Spencer, your genius.

Your Spencer? Where did that come from?

That thought drove you crazy enough to wrench yourself out of the vehicle, slamming the door behind you too harshly. You wince.

“Sorry, girl.” You apologize with a grimace, patting the roof of the car. Good, now you were going crazy talking to your car. Just great.

This was fine, just dandy!

You could do this.

Really, you could!

You think.

ೃ⁀➷ my lovely taglist!: @alina02 @louderfortheback @minervadashwood @their-love @fandomsarelifee @theendofthe70s @nomajdetective @mgg-theprettiestboy @phoenixblack89 @angelwings-crossbowstrings @hallecarey1 @bunnybabe-babydoll @dixonzzgirl @violettavirus @khxna @agent-nobody-knows

[harrywavycurly]

Ok but I’m going to need Harry calling Niall to tell him about his date/first kiss with miss Southern girlie 👀

Hiii lovey!!! Oh for sureeee we need the deets on how Niall thinks the date went 😂 I hope you enjoy💖

-find all things Southern Comfort here✨

A/N: Harry figures he might as well talk to someone on his walk home so of course that someone is going to be Niall✨

“Decided you needed to see my face during these early morning chats huh?…why you grinning like that mate? You’re freaking me out.” “It’s not even midnight Niall so it’s not early morning and…well I’m walking home from my date-” “oh fuck that’s right your date!….well going on your grin I’d say it went well? Unless you decided to just go full obsessive and kidnapped her and she’s actually in your basement or something?” “You’re truly a disturbed person…yes it went well you twat…she even let me kiss her goodnight.” “Did you ask first? Like a proper gentleman and all that?” “Yes…and honestly I thought she was walking up to her door but she was just trying to be the same height as me so I wouldn’t strain my neck.” “She sounds too good for you mate…honestly what’ve you done to trick her into agreeing to date your lanky ass?” “I haven’t tricked her you into anything you ass.” “Whatever…so what did you end up bringing her instead of flowers?” “I uhm made her…a mix cd…she liked it a lot and was very surprised I went through the effort to do that for her.” “A mix cd? Jesus H that’s like…proper boyfriend shit…what even songs did you put on it? Don’t tell me you just loaded it up with yourself…” “I mean it has the band on there…and yes you annoying little hobbit I’m on there but so are just some random artists I think she’d like.” “Okay so you made her a cd…then what did you do?” “I took her to dinner at a nice little Italian spot and then we went to this new wine bar that just opened and…after we just walked around downtown.” “You two and your bloody walks I swear…always fucking walking.” “We enjoy a good stroll okay? Just because you have wonky knees doesn’t mean the rest of us do…” “oh piss off you know you like taking walks with her because she lets you hold her hand.” “Oh…she let me touch the top of her thigh at the wine bar.” “What?” “Yeah she was sitting next to me in the booth and I reached over and placed my hand there to…test the waters ya know?” “Yeah…and?” “She didn’t slap it away….she even put her hand on top of it…” “I’d say that with the kiss goodnight is some serious progress…I’m happy for you Harry.” “Thanks….I really…really…like her.” “I know ya do…when do I get to meet her? Only seems fitting that she meets your absolute bestfriend on the entire planet now that you’ve got the first date out the way.” “Oh she’s meeting Jeff next week…he invited us to lunch.” “Oh fuck right off Harry you know damn well I’m above Jeffery on the friends hierarchy okay? Who is it you call about her every fucking time you have an update? Me…not him…me so get your head outta your ass and set up a time for me to meet her you wanker.” “You can’t have that kind of potty mouth around her Niall.” “I know how to behave myself around new people don’t worry.” “Oh I’m worried…you worry me.” “Yeah? Same goes for you… but at least I know the difference between salt and sugar.” “Why do you say such rude things to me when I’m on such a high?” “Sorry…but really I want to meet her…and I’m happy for you man…you deserve this.” “I’ll see when she’s free and get back to you…thanks Niall that means a lot.” “Now I gotta go…but keep me posted on how things are going…and please for the love of god Harry stop calling or FaceTiming me late at night you’re starting to fuck with my sleep schedule.” “I’ll keep you posted…sorry it’s just I like to call you while it’s all fresh in my brain that’s all…but I’ll do my best…now go get some sleep you look bloody awful.” “Love you too ya wank.”

[pimosworld]

The story of us chapter 5

Triple frontier boys x f!reader

Summary- Set before you and the boys are officially together and how you came to be.

Chapter summary- Frankie takes you flying and your relationship to new heights.

CW- 18+,MDNI, to avoid spoilers I will be posting a link for warnings. Link

WK-6k

Notes- See story Masterlist for full chapter notes. This chapter was so fun to write, my first time writing a solo Frankie. He starts off shy but quickly gains his confidence.

Not beta read

[Series Masterlist] [Main Masterlist]

Chapter V Flying without Falling

————————————

11:54 pm

  Frankie can’t sleep as he lies awake staring at the ceiling fan. Every creak and noise the house makes has him on edge. He shouldn’t care this much but it’s starting to get under his skin and root itself deep somewhere he dare not explore. Before he can fully run away with his intrusive thoughts he hears the front door open and close. He breathes a sigh of relief knowing Benny actually came home after your date. 

  Maybe Santi was right,he shouldn’t be this jealous of his best friends going on a date. But jealousy doesn’t seem like the right word either, he wants to be included, he couldn’t possibly go on as a spectator if you decided to have a relationship. It’s entirely too late for all these thoughts and he’s getting way ahead of himself.

  He would call you normally when his thoughts ran wild. Why would now be any different? The only difference now is that he knows you’ll pick up. Over the last several months that certainly wasn’t the case. Before he can second guess himself he picks up his phone and calls you. 

  ****

You’re seated on your couch staring at the blank screen of the tv replaying the night in your head. You really should go wash your face and get some sleep but you can’t stop thinking about that kiss. You can’t stop thinking about everything he did for you. The feeling was so alien being treated as if you were a Disney princess. Ben was always sweet but this was a side of him you’ve never seen. You could definitely get used to it. 

  Incoming call Francisco

  “Hey Frankie, is everything okay?” Your voice is laced with concern at this late hour he’s calling.

  “Ugh…ya I’m sorry I called so late.” I just wanted to hear your voice. “I just needed to talk to you about something.”

  “Okay.” At midnight? You wait patiently for his response. 

  “So how was your date?” Jesus Francisco you just couldn’t help yourself. He thinks you're silent for a little too long, maybe he can just hang up and pretend this never happened.

  “It was really nice actually, but is that why you called?” You don’t want to give too many details, it just seems odd to talk about with him right now. 

  “No…I guess I should just spit it out. I got my license back and I start in a few days but I’m nervous.” He has to hold the phone away from his ear before he goes deaf at your excited squeal. 

  “Frankie, that's amazing, how come you didn’t tell us yesterday?” You can hear indistinct rustling on the other end. 

  “I didn’t think it was appropriate with everything going on…last night didn’t exactly scream tell everyone your good news.”

  “That’s sweet of you but I would’ve genuinely been excited with all the drama that went on. Life doesn’t revolve around me and my shitty dating life.” It kind of pains you that he put off such a happy announcement to not take attention off you. You know how hard he’s been working to get his license back and this means everything to him. Losing his license was like stripping his identity from him.

  “Listen hermosa, I know it’s last minute but I remember you saying you have tomorrow off…would you be willing to be my first passenger. I don’t want to be rusty in front of the clients on my first day.” He knows you know he’s full of shit. He is the most competent pilot and there’s no way he’s rusty. You’ve seen him in the deadliest situations somehow be cool, calm and collected. 

  “Of course Frankie, I would love to.” You’re certain he doesn’t need any practice but you decide to play along, it’s adorable when he’s nervous. 

  “Meet me at our house around noon and I’ll drive us to the site.” 

  “That sounds like a plan…you should get some sleep if you’re gonna be flying us safely tomorrow.” A little teasing goes a long way with him and you just can’t help yourself. 

  “Very funny, I’ll see you tomorrow Honey good night.” 

  “Goodnight Francisco.” 

  Sleep would not come easily for either of you that night. 

  ****

  Frankie’s not sure how much sleep he got last night, tossing and turning thinking about you. Trying not to think about how his life ended up the way it did. It was hard not to be in his head about his setbacks and inadequacies. He’s a grown man living with his two best friends. He should be able to afford a place on his own and be more independent, but he managed to fuck that up with this coke charge and losing his license.

  He really needed to relax and not let his thoughts run away with him. It wouldn’t be any help today. 

  He rolls out of bed suddenly more aware of every ache and pain in his body, it’s hard to say when he noticed himself getting older. He’s been ready for some time to settle down but had all but given up on finding something worthwhile.

  He pads down the hallway already hearing  the clanking of dishes and the strong smell of coffee.

He enters the kitchen to see the two fit shirtless blondes, one more thing to be insecure about. 

   “Mornin’ Fish.” Will looks up at him from his seat at the table. Frankie gives him a half smile as he slides into the seat across from him. 

  “Rough night?” You could say that 

  “Ya, didn’t sleep much. I was up worried about today.” 

  “What’s happening today?” Benny joins at the table sliding a cup of coffee to him. He scrubs a hand behind his neck deciding what approach to take with the news. 

  “Well I’m flying today. I got my license back.” Will looks up from his phone wide eyed as Benny jumps up nearly knocking the table over.

  “Holy shit man that’s amazing, why didn’t you say anything?” 

  “I was afraid it might not happen so I wanted to wait…I found out Friday and ugh Saturday didn’t seem like the right time to mention it.” Ben and Will exchange glances, neither of them needing to say why.

  “So you start today,what’s your schedule like?” Will stands from the table to refill his coffee.

  “No…I start tomorrow. I’m taking Honey up today to practice.” Lies 

  “Bullshit.” Ben leans back in his chair crossing his arms as Will tries to contain his laughter. Frankie mimics Ben's posture as he stares him down. 

  “You and I both know you don’t need practice.I do have to admit though, a helicopter is a nice move.”

  Frankie relaxes a little at the teasing Ben gives him. The younger man is obviously not bothered by it, he almost seems happy for him. 

  “We’ll Benjamin we can’t all have rock hard abs, some of us have to pull out other means of flattery.” 

  “Well Fish I’m happy for you and I hope you enjoy your date.” There’s no tone of sarcasm or anything to suggest that he’s lying.

  Will stands there in awe and shock at the absurdity of it all. How could they possibly be this chill about dating the same woman let alone you?

  “Speaking of dates, how was yours?” He raises an eyebrow at him playfully. 

  “I know you’ve been dying to ask. It was great, we saw a movie and went to the diner for burgers and shakes and then I dropped her off at home.” He’s not sure if he should include the last part. The conversations have been going well so far. 

  “What a modern day romance and you even had her home by curfew.” Ben flips him off as he stands from the table. 

  “I was gonna let you off easy but since you want to tease, I did get a good night kiss.” Will grabs his chest in fake shock. 

  “Good for you bud.” Frankie pays him on the shoulder as he stands. He can’t help but grin thinking about what he heard when you were in the shower. A sudden burst of confidence flows through his veins. 

  “As much as I’d love to watch this sad pissing contest, we need to get to the gym Ben.” 

  “Alright coach.” He pulls Frankie into a hug before heading down the hallway. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He calls out from over his shoulder. 

  Will just rolls his eyes as Frankie retreats back to his room on the opposite end of the house. 

  Maybe this could work out after all. 

  ****

  Here you are again, tossing clothes about your room undecided on what to wear. This is supposed to be a casual day with Frankie and you can’t seem to get your head on straight. Let’s not add to the fact that you can’t be late. 

  It’s a beautiful sunny day in Florida so you decide to throw on some jean shorts, your army tank top and some black slip on vans. There’s no time to overthink this as you run out to the door to head to their house. You left yourself enough time to stop and grab something for Frankie, you were technically celebrating getting his license back and you wanted to surprise him.

  You pull up to the pristine suburban home they all share, you know Will had every attention to detail to keep the Miller family home in great condition. You have a slight panic when you see that Ben's truck is still in the driveway, you weren’t quite ready to confront what it is you were doing. To be honest you weren’t entirely sure if you knew yourself. 

  Frankie sees you pull up, he’s been pacing around the living room unable to relax. The excited nervous energy coursing through his veins at the thought of flying again and seeing you. 

  You can see Frankie leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed, he has a well fitted black shirt and blue jeans with his signature cap on. He’s just smiling at you as you make your way up the path to their house. 

  “I’m not that late am I?” You’re swinging the small gift bag back and forth on your finger as you hold it out to him. 

  “No but I saw you pull up and got excited.” He’s practically beaming at you. The happiest you’ve seen him in a long time. “I hope whatever’s in that bag is not for me.”

  “You’ll just have to open it and find out.” He grabs the bag from you slowly peeking inside, a medium size black box reveals some brand new aviator sunglasses. 

  “You didn’t have to do this.” You can hear the slight quiver in his voice and you’re so happy with your choice. 

  “I’m getting a free tour in the sky, it’s the least I could do.” He pulls you into a tight hug and you inhale his fresh woodsy scent, you recognize it as the body wash you bought him because you insisted he stop using the 3in1 crap that Ben used. 

  You’re standing in the doorway, neither of you wanting to break the hug, you lightly scratch your nails as you rub his back and a low growl emits from his chest on your cheek. 

  “We need to go before I change my mind.” He grabs your hand and places a kiss on your fingers before turning around to lock up. 

  Ben must not be home, thankfully you can deal with that later and just enjoy your afternoon with the old Frankie who seems to be making an appearance. 

  Frankie jogs ahead of you when you head towards his truck to open the door, he already has his sunglasses on and you curse under your breath a little at the sight. You’ve inadvertently made this day even harder for yourself now that you have to try not to ogle him, but the way his muscles flex in his shirt and the way his jeans are fitting you find your resolve breaking little by little. 

  You hop in the front seat and just before he closes the door he stops and stares at you. “I forgot to tell you how good you look today.” Fuck you’re not gonna make it. 

  The ride to the airfield is mostly spent in comfortable silence as you both trade glances at each other, it was so easy with him to just be. No expectations or insecurities. You often wondered how women didn’t realize what a catch he was, you’re glad in this moment no one has stuck around long enough to see what a massive failure it was to let this man go. 

  ****

  You were making it so hard for him to focus as you made your way to the chopper he was using for the day. The army tank top and short shorts doing nothing to hide your curves. 

  He could tell you were carrying yourself differently than the other day. A part of him was grateful for your date with Benny that seemed to bring some peace to your otherwise chaotic weekend. 

  A helicopter used to bring the sight of hell for the both of you, going on missions unsure if you would make it out alive, but now the way you turn and smile at him, practically bouncing with excited energy he thinks it may be heaven. 

  “We’ll see if I remember how to fly one of these.” You can almost see the faint wink behind his aviators as he holds the door open for you and you climb into the comfy leather seat. He buckles you in tugging on the straps to make sure they’re secure. He’s desperately trying to keep this as professional as possible but he sees the way you’re looking at him and he just wants to lean in and kiss you. He tears himself away closing the door behind him before he loses all form of concentration. 

  You wanted him too, and he almost did but you know he needs to focus. Even though he’s flown much larger aircrafts than this countless times, he still doesn’t want to jeopardize his second chance at life. And if you’re correct about your assumption there would be plenty of time for that. 

  “You know I have strapped myself in a few times.” He’s focused on the task at hand but you can see him smirking as he flips to switches and waits for the all clear to take off. 

  “I know you have hermosa but I’m supposed to be practicing so just pretend you’re a passenger. 

  What is it with these boys and pretending? You’ll play along since it worked out in your benefit the last time.

  He hands you a headset before doing a final once over and you can feel that familiar drop in your stomach as you lift up. The thrum of the blades all you can hear at the moment. He always made it look so easy and he’s all but confirmed how little practice he actually needed. 

  Something about finally being in the sky again has his confidence soaring. He can feel it in his bones, the man he used to be trying to make an appearance. He’s trying to focus but he can’t stop looking at the way you smile when you see something you like. He misses seeing you like this, happy to be in the air. Although he doesn’t miss the reasons why you used to be in a helicopter.

  You’re trying to take in the sights, but you can’t help but stare at Frankie. The way he’s controlling this massive machine with ease. You can see it in the way he relaxes. His shoulders seem less tense. That smile you loved so much has returned without the slight underlying sadness. It’s intoxicating seeing him like this.

  “I missed seeing you in that seat next to me.” He glances over in enough time to notice you smile to yourself.

  You fly for a while just taking in the sight below, this was a version of your city you’ve never seen before and it’s truly mesmerizing. It breaks your heart knowing what he had to go through to get back to this place. Everyone has dealt with their demons in their own way. His demons almost took the most important things in his life away from him. 

  He doesn’t think he’s been this happy flying, seeing your face light up when you spot something you recognize or the fact that you so willingly agreed to come with him and make this day as special as possible. 

  “You’re pretty good with your hands Mr. Morales.” He raises an eyebrow at you wondering if the altitude has gone to your head. He needs to be safely on the ground if you’re going to call him that again.

  “I’m a pretend passenger, remember.”

  “My real passenger is an 80 year old man, I hope he doesn’t comment on how good I am with my hands.” You snort into the headset before erupting into full blown laughter and there it is again, that laugh that would bring any man to his knees.

  “You mean to tell me you’ve never flirted with a passenger?” He glances at you nervously playing with your straps over your chest as you look out below.

  “There was one time.” 

  “Well I hope it ended well for you.” You can see you’re almost back to the airfield and your heart drops a little at the day coming to an end.

  Let’s hope it does end well for me. 

  ****

  “So,what are your plans for the rest of the day?” He didn’t want to assume as he awaits your answer, suddenly so focused on the road as you make your way back to their house. 

  “I don’t have anything planned, I wasn’t sure if you had things you needed to take care of for tomorrow?” He looks a little confused and you can’t help but laugh at the deep crease in his brow. 

  “You know your first day back at work.” 

  “Oh, everything is all squared away. Although I was hoping you might want to stay a little while, I can make us lunch.” He sounds a little timid again but when you grab his hand not placed on the steering wheel and kiss his palm all his worries are washed away. 

  “I would say these hands have done enough today but I would be stupid if I said no to anything you cook.” He has other plans for you and his hands but he needs to focus on one thing at a time first lunch. 

  He already had a full plan for lunch that would’ve turned into Will and Bennys dinner if you decided not to stay. The conversation flowed easy as you both enjoyed grilled shrimp tacos and homemade ceviche. You hadn’t spent this much time together in months, it seemed you had a lot to catch up on. 

  You both confided in each other, it was so easy to talk about life and issues without being judged. The more Mike pulled you away left a gaping hole in both of your lives. You couldn’t possibly go back to that again. 

  Frankie’s washing the dishes, your plates having been completely cleared and has to stop what he’s doing at the sound of your obscenely loud yawn. He can’t help but laugh at your wide eyed expression, you obviously just as surprised by it as he was. 

  “I’m sorry, I’m just so content after that meal and honestly I got no sleep last night.” He dries his hands and makes his way over to you seated at the kitchen island. A mischievous glint in his eye. 

  “I have a bizarre request and you can say no if you want to. Seeing as though we both got zero sleep last night, do you want to take a nap?”

  “Yes!” You groan internally at your enthusiastic response. 

  He had a surge of confidence at your response as he got impossibly closer, stepping between your legs as he rubbed his hands up and down your thighs in a soothing motion. He leans in and you close your eyes bracing yourself for a kiss when you suddenly feel his lips brush your ear. 

  “Bed or couch?” You’re not certain you can breathe with the way his voice drops to a low register. His hands are like fire on your exposed thighs so close to where you want him to touch you. 

  “Couch?” It comes out in a breathy whisper as you attempt to clear your throat. “I think the couch is safer.” 

  He hasn’t so much as moved an inch and with his close proximity you’re afraid he can hear your heart beating out of your chest. 

  “Couch it is, but I’m not sure if it’s safer.” He takes your hand and guides you off the stool and it feels like you’re floating as you make your way to the living room. He sits in the corner, defaulting to his favorite spot despite having a choice of anywhere. He practically pulls you down with him as you settle in facing him with your head resting on his extended arm. Many a movie night you’ve fallen asleep in this exact position, but this feels different. 

  He pulls the blanket off the back of the couch to cover you as sleep already threatens to claim you. The sound of his steady heartbeat and the smell that you could only describe as him lulling you to sleep. 

  He doesn’t even think you realize you’re rubbing his back as you muzzle deeper into his chest, the feeling so domestic it makes his chest hurt a little. It’s like a knot that’s formed over time trying to loosen itself the further into sleep he goes. He only remembers the smell of your shampoo and your slow breaths before exhaustion takes him under. 

  ****

  The house is quiet…so quiet that he knows Ben and Will definitely aren’t home yet. The sun is still up but casting the orange hue that tells him it’s late in the afternoon. He doesn’t want to move too much because you’re still sleeping so peacefully. He is aware however that you have moved in your sleep, draping your leg over him like he’s a human body pillow. 

  Perhaps it’s a wicked Pavlovian response that his body betrays him in the moment as you're pinned against him. He’s growing harder in his jeans and every attempt to move you only causes you to stir further, involuntarily grinding your hips into him in a steady slow motion. 

  You’re having that dream again but this time it feels so real, too real as you feel the hard press of Frankie’s cock against your core. This time when you wake it’s not like a bucket of cold water being thrown on you. It’s softer, more intentional. 

  “Honey….honey?” It’s a little disorienting, but you can still smell him and see the light coming through the windows. You must not have slept for very long. You can feel his thumb tracing lines across your cheek and slowly register him saying your name. The sensation you were feeling in your dream hasn’t dissipated and you don’t dare look down as your haze begins to lift. 

  “I think you were having a dream.” His sleepy voice barely above a whisper. “You kept saying my name.” It seems you’re both in a predicament, him more so than you since he’s not actually in your head and you can feel evidently what’s pressed against you. 

  You hope maybe a change in subject will make him drop it or at the very least get the hint. It didn’t seem like the appropriate time to tell him that you can’t stop having sex dreams about your best friends. 

  “You know…you didn’t seem like you needed any practice today.” You shift on the couch to look up at him.

  “Maybe I told a little white lie.” He’s staring at you, a question hanging in the air of do you want this? He hasn’t moved his hand from your face as he slowly tilts it up further and leans in for a tender kiss. He’s been waiting all day, resisting the urge to kiss you the moment he opened his gift. 

  He’s waiting for you to pull away or say you don’t want this but that moment never comes as the soft kiss turns into a fight to get impossibly closer. His patience wore thin at the way you were saying his name in your sleep. Your hands are in his hair as he deepens this kiss, both of you trading moans in between breathing. He grips the thigh that’s slung over his hip as he pins you beneath him, the heavy comfortable weight of him grinding you into the couch. 

  You hate your brain for making you aware of your dry humping session being in the shared residence of the man you were also dating?

  “Wait…wait, I have a confession.” He stops suddenly hoping he hadn’t totally fucked this up by going to far. The moment feels like an eternity as he lets you catch your breath. 

  “I kissed Benny.” You’re bracing yourself for the moment he rolls off you and asks you to leave but he drops his head to your shoulder as he chuckles in your ear. 

  “Well just consider it even, since I’ve kissed Benny too.” Oh now he wants to make jokes. 

  “Yes I’m aware but it wasn’t less than 24 hours ago.” He raises an eyebrow at you and you silently curse yourself for assuming. “Unless it was…”

  “I’m just kidding, I had to mess with you a little.” You swat his chest playfully and breathe a sigh of relief. “Let’s just say Benny and I have come to a friendly agreement. 

  You’re not entirely sure what that means but you couldn’t care less as long as they know what’s going on even if you didn’t. 

  You try to pull him towards you again but he braces his right arm beside your head to stay upright, his left hand not having left your thigh throughout the interaction. 

  “I suppose if we’re being honest…I have a confession.” His tongue peeks out on his bottom lip as he mulls over how to approach, he has no idea how tempting it looks. 

  “I was going to wake you up yesterday but you were already in the shower.” Your throat is suddenly dry and your shoulders tense. “ I thought you were crying so I hesitated and then…I heard you say my name.” 

  There was no playing this off, not like your dream where he knew you were sleeping. This was perhaps the most mortified you’ve ever been. You wish you were anywhere but pinned under his literal and figurative gaze. 

  “I can explain.” No you can’t 

  “Tell me.” You try to move out from underneath him but he doesn’t budge. 

  “Frankie this isn’t fair.” 

  “No hermosa, you know what’s not fair.” His hand is slowly making its way up your thigh and your breathing is ragged. 

  “You had to take care of yourself when the hands you wanted to touch you were just on the other side of the door.” You don’t know when you lost control of the situation but here you are, stuck under him. He’s waiting for you to tell him to stop but your body has other plans and your lips won’t move.

  “Now tell me.” It’s not a question and this side of him has you faltering. 

  “Tell you what?” He leans down to kiss your lips but pulls away just as fast. 

  “What you were doing when you said my name.” He can’t be serious

  He’s searching your eyes for any sign you want this to stop but all he finds are your lust blown pupils. He decides upon seeing your excitement to try a different approach. 

  “Show me.” He waits to see if he made the right choice and you slowly move your hand from around his neck. No one has ever made you this nervous and excited at the same time. His confidence awakened something in you that you didn’t know existed. You slowly start to unbutton your shorts, never breaking eye contact. You can see his chest rising and falling, his resolve breaking a little spurring you on. 

  You dip your hand under the waistband of your lace panties, thanking yourself for being a little too optimistic about where the afternoon might lead. His eyes trail down your front as he battles with watching your face and watching where your hand has disappeared. He shifts to the side to give you room as you  slowly circle your clit with your middle finger. A small whimper escapes your lips and any embarrassment has been replaced with chasing this high. 

  You drag your finger through your slit as you dip a finger in trying to reach that spot at this awkward angle, you whine in frustration because your fingers aren’t enough with the way he’s been subtly working you up all afternoon. 

  He grabs your wrist and gently pulls your hand out of your shorts, you're wrapped in his every movement as he brings your fingers to his mouth to lick and suck every last drop from them. 

  “Let me show you.” His hands seem so much larger than yours as they make their way down your breast and across your abdomen, his trail painstakingly slow but you wouldn’t dare rush this moment. 

  He dips his hand into your shorts, dragging his fingers across your soft lace panties. “Frankie please…” You're hanging on by a thread and you need him to stop teasing you. 

  “You’re so sensitive, I’ve barely touched you.” You’re having deja because he’s said that before…or was that your dream. He dips one finger into your entrance as you arch your back. It’s too much and not enough as if he senses your frustration he plunges a second finger in slowly pumping in and out. 

  You drop your head onto the pillow as you softly moan his name. You can feel his cock grinding into your hip as he picks up the pace. He swallows your moans with his lips on yours. His name has never sounded sweeter than it does now as you chant his name. You’re ratcheted too tight as you feel the coil build, his fingers press down on the soft bundle of nerves and your toes curl in a blinding orgasm. You’re not sure when you gripped his hair like a lifeline as you slowly untangle your fingers while you come down from your high. 

  “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the way you said my name.” He’s placing soft kisses on your neck as he removes his hand, you’re suddenly feeling a little bold as you can feel how patient he was being. You palm his bulge through his jeans and he bucks his hip, groaning your name. 

  The sound of car doors slamming have you both looking at each other wide eyed. He grabs your hand and places it around his waist. “I need you to pretend to be asleep.” You open your mouth to speak but he shushes you with a kiss as he flings the blanket back over you both. Your pants are still unbuckled and he’s still very hard but right now as the keys jingle in the door you figure you can deal with it later. 

  The front door opens and you bury your face into his chest to hide your laughter at having to pretend once again. Ben’s yelling about something per usual as you hear Will shush him. 

  “Awww they look so peaceful.” You can feel Frankie squeeze your hip and it’s taking everything to calm your breathing. His chest is rising and falling steadily as he squeaks out a fake snore. He may seem peaceful but you can feel his rapid heartbeat against your cheek. 

  You hear footsteps getting further away and voices trailing as they make their way to the kitchen. Frankie can hear the fridge open and close and the sound of the water in the sink running. 

  “Can you button your shorts without moving too much?” He whispers into your temple. You nod your head as you slowly move your hand down to button them again, you try your best to avoid his problem that seems to be less obvious. When you’re finally decent you sit up peeking over the back of the couch. You signal for him to sit up and he hears footsteps approaching. He raises his arms above his head dramatically, stretching as you do your best-I just woke up eyes. It’s all ridiculously hilarious 

  “Good evening sleepyheads.” Ben plops down next to you on the couch and you sit up fully now in the middle of both men. 

  “Do you ugh…want some water?” Frankie’s standing to stretch now, his little belly exposed as his shirt lifts and you notice he’s still got a slight bulge but nothing that couldn’t be explained by how close you were sleeping. 

  “Yes please.” Your voice is a little hoarse from your nap or moaning Frankie’s name for too long. 

  He leaves you two on the couch and heads to the kitchen as Benny pulls you into his side and places a kiss on your temple. This has to be a record for times getting deja vu in one day. 

  “How was your date?” So they must’ve come to an agreement like Frankie said because he just called it a date without any malice in his tone. Just genuine curiosity and care. 

  “It was great actually.” Frankie returns with your water and sits back down next to you on the opposite side. He doesn’t seem bothered at all by you cuddling up with Ben and it’s bizarre territory you’re wading into. 

  “Well I hope you showed our girl a good time.” You’re sputtering your water as Frankie hides his amused face behind his hand. Ben is patting your back as Will enters the living room with beers in hand. 

  “Are you okay?” He hands the beers around as he tries to offer you one but you wave him off. 

  “I’m fine…but I really should be going. I have work early tomorrow and I really should get some sleep.” You all stand from the couch unsure of how to say goodbye. 

  Frankie pulls you into a hug and places a kiss on your forehead. “At least you got a nap today.” He winks at you and you pinch his side knowing he can’t make a sound. 

  “Don’t hog her, she was with you all day.” Ben picks you up as you yelp, he couldn’t resist that sound. He carefully sets you down and leans in to kiss your cheek. 

  You turn to see Will in the loveseat sipping his beer with an amused smirk on his face. “I swear to god Will.” He holds his hands up in mock surrender as both men are snickering beside you. 

  “I didn’t say anything sweetheart.” You make your way towards the door to grab your bag off the hook and you can feel all eyes on you. “ I’ll see you Friday to fix that hole in your wall.” 

  “Will…”

  “Don’t argue with him, it'll only make your life harder.” Ben knows his brother all too well so you decide to take his advice and drop it. 

  “Fine, I’ll call you later.”

  “Okay.” They all say in unison and erupt in laughter. 

  As you close the door behind you still hearing the faint sounds of your boys you realize how completely and utterly fucked you truly are.

Prev/Next

Comments and reblogs are much appreciated  

@luciferiorbxtch @alwaysdjarin @meveispunk @casa-boiardi @evyiione @littlenosoul @quijana5702 @shesa-riott @the-fox-den @saturn-rings-writes @romanarose @spngingerbread21 @spookyxsam @summer-may @imonmykneessir

Tagged a few extra who might be interested.

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 159 spoilers and thoughts below the cut yep just the usual

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JAVIERS FACE LMFAO "wow. these people are so weird. thank god im the only normal person here" jesus christ this entire estate is insane /aff

also i think im required to inform that i sent this panel to some of my irls because they're also civil engineers, and i asked if they recognized any of this and they said "oh god yeah"

so we can pleasantly confirm that the adaptor/artist are still referencing real civil engineering stuff!

while we're still here at the start of the ep/my thoughts i do wanna say, the whole "ugly" gag is getting. a little too well worn

it is really well drawn! the artist is very skilled at drawing exaggerated expressions and its always fun to see, but i think this is like the third or fourth time now that this has been used, and i think my brain is just tired of the repeated schtick. i dont hate it, but the funny has moved on for me

i really hope that in this next arc we see a return of a devilish or conniving lloyd, rather than silly "ugly" expressions; its funny when he looks stupid but id like a better balance, which means i want more instances of him looking cool and smart as hell!!!

of course these words will. probably fall on deaf ears its not like i can message the artist/adaptor directly lmfao but yknow its the thought that counts i guess. actually i might be using that phrase wrong not sure

ANYWAY ANYWAY verkis looks so pretty here,, i like that he confirmed lloyds intentions w the jewel of truth . truly a man who wants to do Nothing thats so real of him me too bud

AND THENNN my personal favorite peak of the episode THE SWORDMASTER SYNDROME KICKING IN AAAAAHHH AAAAHHHH

IT MAKES SENSE THAT LLOYD PUSHING HIS MANACIRCLES TO THE LIMIT WOULD BE THE LAST PUSH HE NEEDS TO BECOME A HIGH LEVEL SWORD EXPERT and now hes suffering the consequence of not dealing with this earlier </3 get overstim'd idiot shouldve taken a break before this happened bozo!!! /j

i really really REALLY love how the text and the effects were drawn in these panels and the following ones (thats three reallys!!!)!! the visual echo and then the sudden sharp jaggedness, it really shows how much OUCH and impact it has and i really really love it YEAHHHH PUT LLOYD THROUGH THE WRINGER YEAHHH YEAHHH

AND THEN JAVIER KEEPS LOOKING SO FUCKING HAPPY THROUGHOUT THIS EPISODE PLEASSEEJ LKAJDFLKSJDFLKJSDFLK JHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH he's having a grand ol time lmfao now his noble can experience what he had to go through!!!

ALSO ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE VERY FIRST THING THAT LLOYD LOOKS AT WITH HIS NEW HEIGHTENED VISION IS JAVIERS FACE AND HOW PERFECT IT IS HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO you could have looked at anything else and yet the first thing you narrow in on is javiers face IM SHAKING YOU LLOYD

no seriously wow he's so pretty ALSO THE FUCKING. HAND POSE IM CRYING

also its really really fluffy nice that javier helped lloyd with getting used to his senses! though they couldnt really do anything abt his insomnia

i had heard that some really cute moments got cut from the novel in this little timeskip here which is like awww i wish we got to see it like, that short bit with the "ugly" gag could have been replaced with the moments from the novel and itd still fit the episode length! at least i think

(like i was told that lloyd gets called "good boy" by javier. like. WHAT. WHAT. GOOD BOY??? GOOD BOY??? AND THAT GOT CUT?????? GOOD BOY!?!?!?!? i told my irls abt this and we collectively had a stroke i wish it made it in bc javiers face when saying that and lloyds reaction wouldve been PRICELESSSS)

oh but also back to talking about javier helping lloyd out, i think its really really cute,,, i know its not explicitly said or shown but i want to think that javier is able to repay the lullaby in a sense by doing this. i really like that javier not only depends on lloyd, but lloyd depends on javier too, and they can rely on each other. thinking about that makes my heart warm and my feet kick and then i start giggling like a maniac

anyway few month timeskip and lloyd u look tired as hell im so sorry buddy

though honestly i really like how he looks in this panel for some reason HAHAHAHA idk him just looking grumpy and tired is fun bc u dont really see it that often u usually see him being silly or evil more so this is a nice panel to have heehee

disgruntled tired sleep deprived engineer now aint that the realest STEM experience ever,,, shaking ur hand lloyd i get u i understand

AND THEN THE END OF THE EP HI RAPHAEL the angel arc!! i guess!! idk the names of these arcs

i wonder how he'll try to enforce this,,, and i wonder how lloyd will get out of it,,, like did tkobai ever go over the angels and what they do? does lloyd know about them?

i did see pics of what he looks like from the novel and we were SO robbed of very pretty long wavy hair, it seems the artist just chopped it all off,,, uueueueueuee

i posted abt this on twitter already but my singular cope is that we actually just havent seen the rest of his hair and its just in a ponytail and its like really really thin and we'll see the rest of his hair soon trust <- copium pumping

and a bonus little illustration, happy chuseok!!!

thats all from me!!!!!!! IM REALLY EXCITED TO SEE WHERE THIS ANGEL ARC GOES and whether or not lupellan and wrot,,,, whatever his name was are going to interfere also,,, triple clash!!! also if he'll ever overcome his insomnia,,,

see yall next week :3

[ncitylights]

Holy Mother Mary - stalker!doyoung

Warnings: brief smut, noncon, pet names (baby and love), angst, doyoung is a bit of a sadist and isn’t as holy as he seems, doyoung threatens reader, knife usage (could be referred to as knife play), doyoung has a huge cock, jeongyeon (twice) is readers new best friend and is briefly in the story, doyoung has a dacryphilia kink (tell me if I missed something 😞 not proofread)

wc - 1.1k

Masterlist

Doyoung was sweet. Sweet to everyone that he encountered or crossed paths with. Constantly using his manners and giving people bright, cute smiles. That’s what made you love him.

You two were best friends. You both met in church – both age 7 – and being the sweet, friendly person that he is, he approached you first. You’re usually shy so you hesitated to talk to him as well, but eventually opened up after a few days.

Of course, you never had feelings for him, only loving him the way best friends are supposed to love each other, but he was an entirely different story, falling for you back in college. You told him that you didn’t want to ruin the friendship, and of course, he understood that so he didn’t bring it up anymore.

And that’s also when he started to hang out with others and leave you hanging, always making excuses to meet up with other friends. You didn’t like it when he left you alone after promising to hang out with you or come to your house to binge movies or tv shows.

So you started to avoid him as well, only occasionally talking to each other. You missed him more than anything but you thought that this was for the best.

That was all a year ago, and you two stopped talking months prior. Now, everywhere you go, you felt eyes on you.

“God, jeongyeon, what do I do? Everywhere I go, I feel like I’m being watched. Maybe I should go back to church.” You said in between grumbles, your head in your hands as you sat, frustrated and scared.

“Maybe you should. You’re probably just paranoid. Ever since you and Doyoung stopped talking, that’s when all of this began. You maybe miss him too much.” She replied, sipping on her coffee. You both were in a café, talking about work and drama, as usual.

“I’ll go later. It’ll make me feel closer to him.” You replied, lifting your head to look back at her, she lifting an eyebrow, placing the cup back down.

“You miss your Christian boyfriend that much? God, give me a break, he’s too happy and cheerful for me.” She rolls her eyes in annoyance, clearly tired of you talking him.

“We never got together! He confessed once!” You argued back, loud, but not loud enough to attract attention to the table.

“Whatever. Something about him doesn’t sit right with me. He gives me bad vibes.” She said, gathering her things, clearly ready to leave.

“Where are you going, jeong?” Your gaze follows her as she walk by you, your tone clearly confused and surprised.

“I have to get to work. My boss texted me before our get together and told me to come in,” She replied, a soft smile coming across her face as she kisses your cheek, the kiss not surprising you because that was the way you both said goodbye to each other.

“I promise you that I’ll text you later, mhm? Be careful.” She finished before leaving, leaving you all alone.

Sighing softly and grabbing your things, you left the café not long after her, walking to your car. As you hopped inside, setting all of your belongings down, that’s when you felt it. The cold feeling of being watched. You sighed, thinking nothing of it as you closed the car door, backing out of the parking lot and driving onto the road.

Today was gonna be a long day.

—

The church looked different from the last time you visited. Veins all around the building and in need of a pressure wash. Still, the church was your childhood.

You walked into the building, looking around immediately, a smile spreading across your face. The church still had the Jesus and Mary adorned walls, the statue of Jesus on the wall behind the alter, and the freshly polished pews. It almost made you feel like you were younger. You walked farther into the church, but something felt off..

“Reminds you of our childhood, huh?” A voice behind you said, the voice making your hairs stand on end. You turned around and just as you thought, your childhood best friend was there. He looked different. His natural black hair a bit messy and features more sharp and pointed. He still had the rosary that you gave him when you both were younger, which warmed your heart. He walked closer to you, an unknown glint in his pretty eyes.

“You still look the same from the last time I saw you, __.” He said, looking you up and down before licking over his lips, which slightly made you uncomfortable.

“I’ve been thinking about you so much, love.” He continued, walking even closer, causing you to back up, your back hitting the alter after a while.

“Following you everyday, waiting for the perfect time to get my hands on you. Waiting to get back at you for breaking my heart. I’ve been nothing but a sweetheart to you and you say that you don’t wanna be with me?” He grabs both of your wrists, turning you around before bending you over the cold alter.

Fear filled your eyes as you put the pieces together, understanding his true intentions. You open your mouth to scream but just as you do so, you feel something cold and sharp across your neck.

“Fucking scream and I’ll slit your pretty throat, understand?” He said as he put the knife back away and pulled your pants and panties down, holding your wrists with just one of his hands. You nod quickly so that you wouldn’t have any more problems with him. You can hear his buckle being undone and his jeans and boxers being pushed down his legs. You gag in disgust as he slaps his huge cock on your ass, a throaty chuckle erupting from him as he brings his fingers down to your cunt, rubbing small circles on your clit.

You bite your lip to keep quiet, refusing to give in to him. He grinds slowly, rubbing his cock on your perky ass. You glance down in complete disgust as Doyoung smacks your cunt, ripping a scream from your mouth, the beads of his rosary clinking together.

“There you go, baby. So fucking wet, I could never tell that you were scared to begin with.” He said with a fake coo, pushing his cock into your cunt, a disgusting, obscene squelch sounding in the echoey church. You begin to cry as he grabs your face, turning it to the Jesus statue in the front of both of you, the tears running on his soft, veiny hands.

“So pretty when you cry.” He groans out, pulling back before thrusting into you hard enough to knock the breath out of your body.

“How about we give him a little show, hm?”

[bigswitchenergyy]

RWRB movie thoughts (SPOILER HEAVY!)

So, I watched it. Twice. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

First off, non-spoilers - I loved this movie. I loved the energy, I loved the humor, I loved the chemistry between all of the actors. Taylor and Nick in particular had phenomenal chemistry and I can't stop thinking about them and firstprince and how beautiful it all was. I miss the boys already. 😭 SPOILERS!!

I'm gonna get the (incredibly minor) gripes out of the way.

We got cornbread!! But we didn't get "cornbread knows my sins" which I was a little bummed about. But the beauty of the scene as a whole absolutely made up for it.

The lack of the emotional kiss after the fight really bugged me, because to me, that kiss is the breaking point for them both. That's the "gonna love this stubborn shithead forever" moment, and it's all of the tension and pain and heartbreak poured out into a desperate, hungry, incredibly passionate kiss. going right from "tell me to leave" to the V&A felt a little like mood whiplash, but the V&A scene is so good I can get past it pretty easily

I wish we could have had more of their emails, the phone call where Henry begins to open up about his family, and more pet names. Especially more baby, considering how much that one word affects Henry in the book.

I know why Matthew did it but fuck Miguel, I miss Rafael and Liam

WE NEEDED MORE PEZ, NORA, AND BEA

Now, for my favorite quotes/moments!!

"I'd break the sound barrier for you." when i tell you i fucking screamed into a pillow and sobbed

HISTORY HUH BEING SAID AT THE V&A, I LOVED IT SO MUCH, I SQUEALED AUDIBLY

THE CAKE SCENE, 10/10

Zahra and Amy are the absolute fucking best and were truly able to shine in a way I didn't expect, I'm so glad we got so many great scenes

"I will brexit your head from your body" I know it was in the trailer but it's SO FUCKING FUNNY

The texting scenes were done so well?? I loved hearing their voices saying the lines and I loved the way they portrayed the long distance conversations. The turkey scene in particular is fucking cinema

THE MOTHERFUCKING RED ROOM SCENE. NEED I SAY MORE.

THE SCENE RIGHT AFTER?? AND THEN THE ONE IN ALEX'S ROOM?? I'M FUCKING WEAK, MAN. THEIR CHEMISTRY IS OFF THE CHARTS

The closet scene was SO good. Watching Alex's entire perception of the man change in a matter of minutes is so well done, and Henry realizing that Alex's feelings about it all were completely valid & apologizing is so 10/10

jesus fuck, PARIS. OH MY GOD. The cafe scene, the one where they're taking a walk, and then their first time having sex. It's so beautiful and emotional and i just... I was breathless watching it. It's steamy but it's just beautiful and loving and the way alex and henry are just so enamored with each other absolutely destroyed me.

"You don't know what that's like." "I'm learning." SOBBING

the entire new year's eve sequence was wonderful. Henry's so happy when he's with Alex and Alex is just so happy he's there, and then that fucking SHOT?? The way they're just staring at each other across the crowded room?? C I N E M A

The first kiss was STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK and it was MAGICAL

Nora is a queen and deserved more screentime but I LOVE her scenes with Alex. I think having her not be his ex in this version is a nice change too

And, of course, the motherfucking STORMING OF KENSINGTON. The boys acted their asses off and Nick in particular broke my heart so many times over

The leak. The leaaaaak. fuck.

"Hello?" "Baby." "Alex??" when i tell you i cried so hard

the piano scene 10/10

THE SCENE WHERE THEY COME OUT TO THE CROWD. THE ENTIRE END TBH

CASEYYY!!!!!!

So, yeah. I loved this movie. I'm gonna be thinking about it for a long time, and I sincerely hope Matthew releases the extended cut & all of the deleted scenes and bloopers, because we NEED THEM.

I also hope that Matthew, Casey, Nick, and Taylor know how much we love this film and book. How thankful we are that these beautiful characters were not only written, but then able to come to life. I will forever be thankful for Alex Claremont-Diaz and Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor (yes, i'm using his book last name LMAO) and for their beautiful love.

[the-chosen-fanfiction]

John the Apostle | Muse | Romantic

Dialogue prompt: "Your hair is so messy." - "Oh, please. It's because you can't stop touching it."

Requested: Yes

In order for you to be able to draw John properly, his hair just has to be perfect.

The charcoal slides against the parchment smoothly, carefully pressured by your precise hand to leave behind fine lines without the charred wood snapping underneath it. You trace your tongue over your bottom lip as you apply the final details, your gaze flicking up and down every few moments to see if you’re still on the right track, but your state of concentration is soon broken by a sudden voice behind you.

“Are you done yet?”

For the third time in ten minutes, Nathanael questions how far along you are, and does so in the most Nathanael-fashion possible. In spite of it being not the first time, it startles you nevertheless, and you close your eyes in annoyance as a small stripe of charcoal now sits obnoxiously inside the eye, where you had been working on the pupil. 

“Thank you for that, Nath.” you sigh exasperatedly, voice laced with sarcasm, knowing that thumbing away the mistake will lead to nothing but an awful smudge, and you momentarily stare at the portrait you had been sketching. You had managed to capture the warm features of Jesus’ face, had given His beard just the right amount of volume and you were more than happy with the shape of His nose, but now, the kindness of His eyes falls flat because of an ugly thick stripe of charcoal. 

“Sorry about that.” Nathanael quips, “Anyways, do you think you can draw me one of those as well?”

If glares could kill, Nathanael would have met his demise the moment you set eyes on him. He takes your narrowed eyes for his sign to leave, showing his palms in defence. “You don’t have to do it right now, no worries at all.” He backs off before you’re even able to voice the thought that the former architect wouldn’t be able to sit still for that long anyways.

Inhaling sharply, you turn your gaze up to Jesus, Who gives you a small smile.

“I’m sorry, Master,” you sigh, “It was going so well, I was so proud of how it was turning out. I will of course make You a new portrait, and I will try my very best to capture the same details as I did in this previous–”

Jesus holds out His hand. “Nonsense, (Y/n), I am sure it is beautiful. Let Me take a look.” You reluctantly hand Him the piece of parchment and He inspects it, drinking in every little bit of the drawing. 

“I-I know it is likely not what I could have–”

“It is beautiful, (Y/n). Thank you very much, I love it!”

Your eyes widen. “Really?”

Jesus nods, then lets his gaze go to someone who is coming up behind you. “Really. See, there are more people who would like to have their portraits drawn.”

Your smile falls. “I thought I was pretty clear, Nathanael, that I am not in the mood to–”

Upon pivoting and being about to give Nathanael a piece of your mind, you come face to face with nobody less than John.

The very man you’ve been sketching in secret in your notebook for the past weeks.

The former fisherman who has started to become a muse of sorts ever since you had a romantic dream about him two months ago.

The younger son of Zebedee whom you’ve been sweet on for a while now. 

The one who sends butterflies through your entire system. 

“John, hi!” you somehow manage to greet him, “Uh, shalom, how are you?”

John the Beloved smiles sweetly. “I am doing well, (Y/n), thank you. How about you?”

You nod and gulp in an attempt to get rid of the dryness of your throat, but to no avail. “I’m good!” you squeal, a bit too high-pitched for your liking, “I just made a sketch of Jesus.”

With his eyebrows raised in curiosity, John looks at the piece of parchment in Jesus’ hands. The Messiah hands it to him so that he can inspect it closer, and your face flushes whilst he scrutinises it. 

“This is so good, (Y/n), you are very talented!”

Flustered, you lower your gaze. “Thanks, I’m trying my very best to get better at it.”

John hums and hands back the parchment to Jesus, Who stands and gives you another word of thanks before walking off, heading for his tent where He finds His leather backpack to safely tuck away the drawing. 

“Would you…” John rubs his neck, “Would you be open to drawing me as well? I would like to give my eema some sort of gift to remember me by.”

The thoughtful comment warms your heart. 

“Sure,” you breathe, “Right now?”

His hair bounces as he nods, and you look at it. Chewing your lip, you can already see a few loose strands that need to be tucked into place. 

“Would you like me to sit anywhere in particular?”

You gesture towards a fallen log on the edge of camp. “How about there?” you propose, and John hums in agreement.

“Sounds like a great plan. I’ll bring you a chair, hold on.”

The fisherman carries a small stool over to the log, so that both of you can get comfortable. With the change in light, you recognise that you take another angle than the one you had drawn Jesus in, and you shift a little closer to the younger son of Zebedee. 

“Want me to sit here?” 

You hum. “Please.” He puts the stool down for you to position properly. You drag it over to the right position and reach for your bag.

John takes a seat on the log so that you aren’t looking right into the sun and pulls a rather prideful face, puffing out his chest, straightening his back. “How about this pose?” he suggests, causing you to snort a laugh. 

“You aren’t going to keep that up for long, trust me.”

“Why not?” John asks whilst you take an unwritten sheet of parchment from your bag and you rummage through your tools to find a proper bit of charcoal to begin with. 

You nod towards Nathanael, who is busy chatting with Thaddeus a little away. “I had him as my model not too long ago, and he could only sit like that for five minutes before his muscles got tired.” John flexes his arms and gives you a determined look. “Well, I am used to heavy labour, so I can take it!” The sight makes you flush and you clear your throat, looking away. John relaxes his body and smiles, thinking of the pink tinge on your cheeks as adorable. 

“Just… Take on a pose that you can maintain for about forty to fifty minutes.”

His eyes widen. “Forty to fifty– Right, okay. Art takes time.”

You smile and nod, waiting for the fisherman to poise himself in such a way that does not strain him yet is interesting enough to make a drawing of. He leans a hand on the log he is sitting on, puts his legs a little further apart and turns his gaze to you. The way his dreamy eyes seem to drill into you as he stares nearly makes you snap your piece of charcoal between your fingers. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you abashedly query. 

John shrugs. “Well, then it will seem like I’m looking right at the viewer.”

In an attempt to gather yourself, you inhale through your nose and calmly exhale right after, shifting in your seated position. 

You hold out your thumb in an attempt to somewhat figure out the proportions, and make a rough outline of the shape of his head. Every time you cast your eyes back up at him, your heart skips a beat, the intensity of his gaze making you flustered. 

“I’ll… I’ll need to fix your hair a little.” you say. 

John smiles. “By all means.” 

He sits still as you card your fingers through the thick, dark brown locks. The moment you make contact with it, your breath hitches, and you are not brave enough to let your focus go down to John, who is gently gazing at you. 

“That’s better.” you state when it’s shaped into a better model, sitting back. “Okay, let’s see…”

You sketch the first outlines of his features as well as the shape of the mop of curls that sits untamed on his head. Squinting, you roughly sketch where his beard goes and try to get the broadness of his neck and shoulders right, and John flicks his tongue over his lips, giving you an amused look. 

“You’re cute when you’re concentrated.”

“Huh?” Having missed his words, you look up at him a bit confused. “What was that?”

John gives you a tight-lipped smile, suddenly self-conscious, and shakes his head. “Nothing.” The motion causes his hair to spring back where it had been before. 

Clicking your tongue, you reach over to it again and softly play with it in the hopes of tucking it into just the right place. John enjoys the feeling of your fingers against his scalp, letting out a small hum. “Everything okay?”

You nod and lean away again so that you can resume your work, trying to calm your racing heart down, which is affected by his proximity. Although the fisherman does not smell clean – you’re certain that you don’t smell amazing either during this long time on the road – you bask in his scent regardless. It is comforting, and you suddenly wonder how things would be between you if he knew what you felt for him.

With a slightly unsteady hand, you draw him, and slide the charcoal against the parchment in just the right places. Studying people in this way never fails to make you amazed at how incredibly complex God’s creation is, each face different from the other. Staring into the eyes of your crush is an added bonus to this particular sketch.

“How is it coming along?” 

His kind demeanour puts you at ease. Your gaze meets John’s and you smile. “Slowly but surely. Be patient, now. Here, hold on.” Once again, you find yourself reaching forward to get some of his curls to sit in a prettier way, and he chuckles. 

“I shouldn’t rush art, sorry.”

With a pleasant hum, you continue your drawing. 

In relative silence, you get down to the largest features quite easily, and you’re soon already working on the smaller details, swapping between different pieces of charcoal that you carry in your bag. At some point, you carve a chunk of charred wood into a tiny, fragile point with your pocket knife in order to capture each and every curl to your best ability. 

John sits there, awaiting your results yet not pushing you to hurry, like Nathanael had done. Every few moments, you find yourself looking up into his eyes and deem it almost intimate. Your tummy swirls with butterflies more and more every passing second, and you wish that you would never finish this drawing, just to keep him in front of you for longer.

Watching you in this way makes John almost abashed, your scrutiny intense yet adoring in a way that you so delicately add details here and there, showing that you’re truly studying him. Your concentrated state is nothing short of adorable. Something in his gut drops, resembling disappointment, that you hadn’t heard him tell you that he thinks you look cute a while ago. Perhaps he should repeat himself – or maybe that he shouldn’t, for he doesn’t want to make a fool out of himself–

A gust of wind pulls both you and John out of your focused state, and you can barely hold onto the piece of parchment that threatens to escape. You puff some air from your lungs out of relief and smile at the younger son of Zebedee, who grins back at you with an equal beam.

“That was a close call.”

Humming in acknowledgement, you gaze at him again, shaking your head in disbelief at the sight of his curls all across his forehead, casting way different shadows over his face than they had done before. 

“Ugh, John, your hair is so messy!” you quip, swiping a finger over his forehead from left to right in the hopes to somewhat push it back into place.

John rolls his eyes with a smirk. “Oh, please. It’s because you can’t stop touching it!” 

“The wind keeps messing it up, and I just need to draw it perfectly. I cannot help that your hair is just so… Inviting! Captivating!”

“Says who?”

“Says me! And how am I supposed to properly get it on here if it keeps bouncing out of place?”

John chews on the inside of his cheek to fight his spreading smile as the warmth of your index finger causes a thousand butterflies to erupt into his stomach. 

“There.” You say once you’re satisfied with how his curls are sitting. Turning back to your sketch, John feels a pang of disappointment that you’ve stopped touching him.

“(Y/n), I’ve been meaning to tell you something.” His heart pounds against his chest as he says the words. 

With a questioning gaze, you look up from your drawing. “Is it important, can it wait for a few moments? I’m nearly done with this.” 

His gut spins and he nods a bit, and he watches your hand as it slides the charcoal over the paper, skilled, talented. 

The next time it moves up to touch his hair, John decides right then and there, he will most certainly– He doesn’t have a long time to overthink his plans when you put down your charcoal again in order to once again adjust his dark locks, tucking and pushing the strands in the places you deem right so that you can have a great–

John catches your wrist in his hand and brings it down from his forehead. Whilst maintaining eye-contact, he presses a light kiss onto the back of your fingers, smiling a bit shyly with flushed cheeks. 

Shocked, you freeze in your spot. Upon seeing your reaction, John releases your hand and shakes his head apologetically. “Oh, no, I’m–I’m so sorry, (Y/n), I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that, and–”

Finding your voice, you whisper his name. “John,” you mutter, cupping his face with that same hand. He leans into it without realising it and smiles. “It’s okay. Does it… Does this mean that you like me?”

He lightly laughs and nods, biting his bottom lip in thought. “Very much,” he admits, but his smile falls. “I… I didn’t mean to pressure you by kissing your hand there. It was not proper of me, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you repeat, softer this time, and you flick your gaze down to your sketch momentarily. “The drawing is nearly done. Would you like me to finish it now?”

With eyes that glitter in amusement, John puffs out his cheeks and lets air escape slowly before shaking his head, taking your other hand in his as well. 

“Perhaps we should discuss other things first. You can always tame my hair another time. Would you like to take a walk whilst we talk over things?”

You smile and nod, allowing him to help you up by taking his hand. 

Carefully folding the unfinished sketch, you put it neatly into your bag to complete later. 

You’re certain it will not be the only drawing you will ever make of him.

[otakween]

Digimon Adventure 02: The Beginning

So, I saw The Beginning yesterday at an AMC theater. I saw it subbed to keep things consistent. I'm gonna split up my reaction into two parts: experience and the movie itself. Angry rant ahead...

Side note: Why is this movie called "The Beginning?" Are they planning more...? (I mean, they're always planning more I guess lol).

Theater Experience:

Always such a delight to see an anime movie in theaters, it's becoming as common as every-other-month these days which is very exciting! It's very rare that I get to see a movie like this that's a continuation of a series. Usually I'm not caught up enough to do that (although I did watch the Shirobako and Jujutsu Kaisen movies without watching the shows lol).

I had no idea that they were going to give me trading cards as I walked in!! This seems to becoming a more common gimmick these days. When I saw the most recent MHA movie they gave me a mini manga. More of this please! I know it's just cheap junk, but it makes the whole thing feel like an experience :D

Theater was more crowded than I expected and full of geeks, of course. I heard someone's ring tone go off and it was a Digimon sound effect. When the ad for the vital bracelet played one dude proudly shook his wrist in the air. I saw a Gatomon plush and the dude in front of me got so hype for the digivolutions that he started filming it on his phone (which I don't condone, but it was kinda funny seeing how into it he was).

Not a single child in the crowd. I guess this movie is obvious millennial-bait tho, so that's to be expected. (Also it was 7pm on a dark Thursday).

Cute little intro interview with the director was cute. My brain had to adjust to reading subtitles on a big screen. I guess I just don't watch foreign films outside the home too often.

Movie Reaction (MAJOR SPOLERS AHEAD):

WTF did I watch!? This movie was batshit crazy and I have many conflicting emotions. I feel like it was simultaneously super intense and really bland at the same time? Let me elaborate...

Putting aside the new dude for a second, the 02 cast really didn't do much in this at all. They all kind of acted as a collective instead of feeling like distinct people with their own roles to play. Their entire motivations/existence revolved around Lui's plot line which is really a bummer. Some characters, like Iori and Hikari were especially sidelined and bland (not that Iori was that great to begin with lol).

The only scenes I really liked with the 02 cast were when everyone (especially Miyako) was telling Lui to cut the edgy crap and just talk to them. I like when aloof characters are called out like that. Also, I liked the part where Miyako accused Daisuke and Ken of flirting teehee (queer baiting!? In MY digimon??) That got a laugh out of the audience too.

Okay...moving onto Lui's story. Jesus Christ. I liked where it was going at first and thought the whole grimdark, Madoka angle (major Kyuubey vibes) was interesting (if not a little too over the top), but then (in my opinion) they COMPLETELY bungled things!! So essentially, Ukkomon kills Lui's parents and potentially multiple children in their efforts to "make Lui happy" by making all the humans in his life behave "correctly." Horrifying and effectively creepy (especially in the scene where they "puppet" Lui's parents). This all culminates in Lui "killing" Ukkomon and losing his eye (which then gets replaced with Ukkomon's eye). I was on board for this horror angle, but then the 02 kids were like "awwww, poor Ukkomon~" WHAT. THE. FUCK. A kid tells you that a monster thingy killed your parents and your reaction is "but did you try being their friend??" Nooooo! So basically the rest of the movie is the kids victim blaming/gaslighting Lui into submission and he's like "you know what? It IS my fault that my parents died! I should have been a better friend." NOPE. This madness just ruined the whole thing for me. Like, what the hell were they thinking? Anyway, rant over. I'll go back to talking about the not as heinous things now.

I liked Ukkomon's sea angel-based design. I didn't exactly find them cute but they were good at being creepy. It was definitely disturbing to see what happens when a digimon partner is HATED by their human.

The "Unkomon" joke was funny but they didn't give a translator's note or anything so I was wondering how many people in my theater got it lol (I guess it depends on how much anime you've seen).

Lui's digimon eye looked really stupid and I think they knew that because they covered it up for most of the movie. I think it was more effectively shown in brief closeups but anymore than that it was just too goofy looking to take seriously.

The scenes about digimon bonds and the (obviously fake) threat of losing them were boring and cheesy. I think they were going for heartwarming, but something about it was very forced. The stakes definitely never felt real.

At the beginning of the movie they used smartphones to digivolve instead of their D3s...wha...?

Speaking of D3s, when they faded away (weirdly slowly) at the end and Hikari was like "what even was the digivice for anyway?" I had to laugh. That's what I've been saying! The lore around digivices, D3s, Arcs (or whatever Tamers wanted me to call them) has always been so vague. Anyway, I feel like they should be more concerned. Doesn't this mean they can't digivolve now...? (They acted like the power of friendship would just make it happen somehow, but I'm not convinced).

The updated digivolution scenes were fun (and funny to see on the big screen), but after watching Tamers, they still seemed lazily done comparatively. I still dislike that they show the greater digivolution at the start of the sequence. What's the point of that?

The movie started with Bolero, because of course. I had to roll my eyes at the nostalgia pandering. We also got a random reference to the first Digimon Adventure short film. That felt jarring since the animation style is so different.

So like...Lui time traveled and told his abusive mom to "be nice cuz your son loves you" and that just stopped all abuse forever? Riiiight...What is it with anime's crappy handling of child abuse lately? They pulled this same shit in Belle. You can't stop domestic violence by going "tsk tsk" to the abuser!

Rolling my eyes at Lui's introduction: "He's the first kid to ever partner with a digimon AND he has a super special eye AND cool grey hair AND his digimon can grant wishes." Serious "My OC don't steal!!" vibes.

Wait...I don't think they ever followed through with the "Ukkomon is connected to a digimon God" plot thread. Is that for the sequel or something? (Digimon 02 2 - The End? lol)

We got a little shipping stuff with Miyako and Ken at the end there. They had zero chemistry in the show and they continue to have zero chemistry in the movie...yaaaay.

I feel like, other than Daisuke and Lui, they just gave all the other guys the same haircut and they faded into the background lol. Ken just looks like some guy now.

Ukkomon's eldritch design was cool. I wish they just let him be evil instead of misunderstood...

So yeah, the writing in this was kind of a train wreck but I had fun regardless! Very curious to hear the dubbed version someday. How many people reprised their roles?

[artheresy]

Okay listen, I think Blade needs to be taken away from me. I haven’t had as much sleep this week and the sheer evolution in my obsession with him has become concerning

He is haunting my every waking thought, pls send help

All I can think about is stuff like how much more it hurts me, like intense psychic damage, when people say “Blade is Yingxing!” than when people arguing the same with Dh and Df because of how strongly the disconnect is emphasized. How Blade gave himself his name, after his rebirth as Jingliu said. How his character stories say Yingxing died his first and only death and how they immediately follow that up with Blade’s inability to connect with Yingxing’s past goals and passions. How, while he does take on the responsibility of his sins as his own due to… that’s how karma works ofc, there are still places where he is referred to as separately from Yingxing whether by the text or even by himself. How that disconnect with Yingxing is likely not only in part due to the “true death” and the mara affecting him and his mental state, but also the self dehumanization instilled into him by Jingliu during their lessons. And so, so many other things…

Or thinking about how, his whole outlook regarding their sin is literally directly from Jingliu and what she taught him while y’know, immensely traumatizing him through hundreds of deaths. Hundreds of deaths where it likely wasn’t an instant death given the thousands of times he was stabbed and the course of his entire first character story. Like, when you stop to think about just how much of how we see him currently is directly the result of Jingliu (and ofc, overall this all happened bc of the sin they committed which influenced her actions and his very existence, like jesus christ why is his lore so depressing), how you can see reflections in the way he treats/addresses Dan Heng and their shared sin to the way Jingliu does. Literally the fact that “Of five people, three must pay a price.” is Jingliu’s mantra and even after hundreds of years, he still follows it. UGH Sorry this is all word dump I know this is probably not coherent, I really need to sleep but trust I could keep ranting about this topic and how meaningful the disconnect between YX and Blade is and how painful it is to even see ppl insist Bld is Yx sometimes like-

Or, y’know, thinking about what would have happened to him if Jingliu never found him. Who could have found him next? Where would he have ended up? Where did he wake up in the first place? Would he have gone on living a new life, without any knowledge of who he had once been given he woke up without even knowing his own name? Would he adopt a new name at some point, either given to him by someone he eventually met or chosen himself after hearing others’ tales and histories? Would the Stellaron Hunters still have come for him given his connection to one of the Nameless? I mean, Kafka said it was his immortality and swordsmanship… if he never learned to wield a sword with Jingliu, would someone else have been destined to be a Stellaron Hunter in his place? Would any happiness be possible for him at all in a life like that? Since eventually he might see the people around him die and fade while he remains eternally youthful, if he ended up finding short life species at least. And eventually his memories would still catch up to him, whether the past mixing with the present or just his current memories since that seems to be how short life species are able to be mara struck. All via memories. Just how much would his destiny have changed? (Ngl, might make this into an au idea since I have brainrot, but I’m not sure if I need the added pain)

And y’know for good measure, why don’t I just keep thinking about how his primary reason for wanting to finally die and rest is, I mean a big mix of factors, but especially because of the sheer pain he lives in every single day. That pain that only goes away for a brief moment when he is killed, before he is drenched in it again. Perhaps not even just solely the horrible physical pains he has, but the pain and mental anguish of even being mara struck at all. It’s sad to think about, especially since it seems the only ending, at least that’s somewhat happy, for him is one where he can finally die and stay dead like ouch. OW! Thanks Hoyoverse for fucking up my brain chemistry with your emotional punching bag.

[roughdaysandart]

Too giddy NOT to share my edit of the smut from ch 5!

I am so happy with how this revised script for the comic turned out but jesus christ i think i spent at least 5 hours editing it, but im so glad i could keep alot of the dialouge while adding a super meaninngful message/point in the sequence. I wouldnt consider it an entireley new piece of work though im not sure, because the original message of RD dialoge and such is still there so i hope it doesnt seem like im insertin goto much or somehow taking away from the story? Im trying my best with what I got people, theres only so much smut you can hide before it becomes an entireley new scene

original: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21651097/chapters/52366960

*Tb= thought/speech bobble note/conversion

*Nar Sq= make/convert to narrative square

I will link the original ch 5 (or its also on @no-droids page), but will only paste the part i heavily edited (basically the last part) for your reading pleasure! ok so without furthur adeu..

----------------------------------------------------

Rough Day by @no-droids: Abridged for Christian Roomates by Roughdaysandart

Chapter 5: Of metal and Men (or at least the last half of it)

“Excuse me,” you say after a second, trying your best to sound appalled.  You carefully remove the death gauntlets with your hands extended as far away from your face as possible, fingers spread and thumb held completely rigid in position.  “Are you actually laughing at the fact that I almost just died horrifically in front of you?”

“Stars, just—” he lifts his head back up to look at you, “—come ‘ere.  You’re worse than the kid is, I swear.”

You slowly stand up, and the boots are so big around your ankles that you don’t even have to kick them off, you can just leave them there in position on the floor as you lift your feet and begin walking over to him.  

TB: HA-you just got me on an off day, i've got battle wounds still healing everywhere.“I’ll have you know I am a fierce bounty hunter—”

“Terrifying,” he mutters, and you’re about halfway done untying his cape when you get close enough for him to reach out and snatch the bottom of it, swiftly yanking you down on top of him and removing the fabric from your throat at the same time.  He ignores your dramatic choking noise, catching your flailing body with barely a grunt.  “Craziest in the guild.  Your first kill was yourself.”

“Yeah, I—ack!” you giggle as he immediately flips you around, downright shocked at the ease with which he maneuvers you back to the ground and leans closer into your immediate view, “haha—I bring them in warm, or I bring them in–HWA–.”

“Stop,” you can (NAR SQ:) hear his smile through the helmet

He catches each of your wrists and moves them aside. You both stay like that for an unknown amount of time, but likely just a few seconds, something catching in the dim air.

“Know something?” Mando starts.

“Wait—” you try to wiggle upwards at noticing the fresher’s light still intruding on the hull.  It’s futile, of course, because (TB): probably your entire body weight is now on you with his ammo belt as it slings around your chest.  “Wait, h-hang on—the fresher’s still open.”

“So?”

“....So I can see you right now with the light, and I liked—”  .

NAR SQ: You want to say that you liked–no, just needed to hear and feel his voice in moments like this, like before, his real voice. Soft but rhythmic in its tone, not having nearly as much of its fullness conveyed against your ears by the modulator. And how much you craved it in that way. Likely, noone has heard his voice in decades, and so you feel connected, that much more intimate with him because of it.; even when you're not touching, the unfiltered words feel like an unseen extension of him that you want to have here, right now, as his face is so achingly close to yours. 

Is the reciprocal true, too? Is it just as exotic and healing, just as addicting for him? Taking off his helmet, his creed, not just for you, but for his own enjoyment too? Having that closeness….

…..only with you?

“…I-I liked—”

“Do you want me to take my helmet off?”  “Hm?  Or do you want to stay like this?”

It takes you a second to realize (TB:) he’s waiting for an answer.

“Uh—”  (TB:) Stars, what kind of harrowing, existentially crippling question is this? Is he serious? Of course you want it off, doesn't he too? But the entirety of your being refuses to move a muscle from here, risk leaving this fragile moment for anything at all, even with that desire for his voice.  “Uhhhh…”  You legitimately feel torn, blinking up at the visor and noticing the struggle blatantly written all over your reflection.  (TB:) Why in Maker’s name would he put this on you?

“I know you want it off” he admits quietly, and you flick your eyes to look at him slowly.  

“Yeah but, wait–” you start to get up, freeing a hand from his press to support the lift upwards “—let me turn off the light.  Please.” But his continued grip on your other wrist keeps it and you sitting on the ground.

“But I want to see you right now” he says, letting out a tsk in playful dissaproval, “and you still want it off, you trying to make me break my code?”

“Never. Just…..look at me when we go up later instead, and all the other times were out, j-just take your helmet off while we still can now. ” 

 “No, I want to see you now.  First.  We’re almost to Corellia, and I’m not risking my life on another hunt until I can remember every detail of you before I go for Maker knows how long again.”

“You decide that timeline,” you remind him, surprised at the ease in which his arm, still clasping your other wrist, gives in when you maneuver it with your free hand, just upwards between your chests. 

“No way you're seeing me any good with the ship's lights, even with all of them on. You’ll be able to see me best once we get there if that's what you want, and it’ll be faster too.” You firmly hold his forearm up as he continues to grip your other wrist, your sternness and posture completely contradicting your uncoordinated and awkward demeanor from before.

You're both hunched in facing each other with the position, each pair of legs triangled and shifting to adjust whenever your entwined arms and hands slightly move up or down. Like a game of arm-wrestling…only on the ground, in the dark, and with absolutely zero consideration for size-matching. 

“But I don't want it to be faster,” he counters, “I want to see you now and take you in before I’m gone. You don't like that?”

His arm goes to guide your wrist back down, but halts at the unexpected resistance you give and you stare into what you know are his eyes through the visor, him surely seeing yours clearly with the fresher light now dimly illuminating your face.

“You see me all the time. I don't get this except for a few hours a day, if even. So who needs what more, hmm?” 

NAR SQ: You know nonverbal communication gets things through to him easier. After all, words are not his forte, and he almost never speaks to others besides you and the kid. And though you're entirely out of your opponent's weight-class, you know you can go toe to toe with him in other ways, And you're determined to redeem yourself after how you embarrassed yourself with that fall earlier.

“I have to earn credits somehow, I can’t just—” he abruptly cuts himself off when you suddenly exert a force to the left, jerking both of your arms a little outwards, “—I… I-I can’t just stay on this ship with you f-forever and… and…” Mando spouts, sounding more dumbfounded after the unexpected change in direction, missing a second before adjusting his hold back to its original place between you both. 

NAR SQ: You know he is ridiculously strong, unimaginably stronger than you no doubt, and could just force your hand down in an instant, stop the discussion altogether no questions asked, but he doesn't. Your stark change in attitude seemingly distracts his mind enough for him to forget that fact. His arm just stays suspended and rigid, only twitching downwards whenever your strength manages to lift the entanglement of arms slightly.

“You can do whatever you want” you reason.  “Whenever you want. That was made clear before. All I’m asking is that right now, you let me have you to myself in the dark a little while longer.  Is that okay?”

You twist inward and clasp the unwavering forearm tighter, matching your mouth’s escalating boldness with increasing grip and force beyond your feat of already supporting the heavy weight of his arm in addition to his comparatively small resistance against yours. It’s not hard enough to hurt him (as if you could), just enough to slightly waiver the vertical direction he is struggling to remember to sustain, but also hard enough that your curled fingers and nails will likely leave some sort of mark on his exposed, only human skin, thick leather gloves and impenetrable Beskar no longer a factor.

Nobody will ever be able to see such marks, but somehow that makes it even funnier.  A secret only you and him know.  Next time he scares off a crowd of locals, he’ll be wearing your signet under his armor. It's a laughably small battle scar, nothing close to those from years of bloody victories littering his skin, but you figure it'll probably mean more to him than any of them ever would.

“Is that okay?”  You ask him once more, trying your best to sound sweet as the pressure in your forearm rises.  “Will you let me turn off the light, Mando?”

“ack—” he grits“—why are you—why do you always make everything s-so much better and worse for me?”

“Didn't you hire me to make it better for you and the kid?” you tell him.

“Not like this,” he remarks, tipping his head.  “Not—not everything, n-not all the time.”

 “Keep talking,” you half-giggle, grunted voice revealing the amount of effort you didn't realize you were exerting, and you adjust your neck and posture inward with the tension, hunching to still keep eye contact with the visor.  “I like hearing you talk, you don't do it enough.”

NAR SQ: Not nearly enough

A moment of silence follows,and (TB:) you wonder if he didn't hear that last bit at all. But on the chance that he is just as stunned as you are at your brazenness, you decided to press.

“You’re so tense, do you want me to stop?” you force with a grin, trying to ignore your now straining muscles.

“I want to see you bef–,” he grits in meager defiance.  “You—you can’t just talk nice and expect me t—”

You look up at him further, “Just let me turn off the light Mando, I'll be quick, I promise” you murmur, blinking up at him.  “Please?”

“T-That bad, h-huh?” 

“L-let me–ack–,"your muscles burn with searing pain,"p–phrase it l-like this,” but you're too invested to think about anything but just speaking. “I-I’d gouge my eyes out if it meant you'd take it off right now, even with the fresher light on.”

Mando’s helmet swings to the side and bobs, and you just know the look on his face must be more priceless than it already is. Immediately the intentional  tension in his arm gives as he stutters, “you–what the–w-what? WHAT?”

The sudden absence of resistance means that your force instantly lifts his arm along and your captive wrist, instantly relieving the bottled up pressure in your arms, as well as the pressure built and burst by your outrageous remark.

NAR SQ: And now you laugh at him. 

An explosive, stomach-curling laugh that is only amplified by your shortened breath and adrenaline, sometime managing to breath out that you cant believe that got him. Right there in his face, and eventually forcing you to roll on your back, only your grasp on his outstretched forearm grounding you to reality. A deep roar coming from your chest then moving higher in your throat as you gradually manage to compose yourself after what must have been at least 30 seconds. Though the hypoxia and subsequent giggles don't leave any time soon.

When you brush your hair from your eyesight, you can tell Mando’s arms are slumped over his bent legs. You can tell he's trying to look unamused at his defeat, despite the fact that neither of you can see each other well right now, but know that he's laughing too with the way you see the silhouette of his chest bounce as he studies your shameless victory-cry on the floor. 

“Keep doing that and you'll be emptying the fresher” he eventually warns, though his voice sounds nothing close to as serious and unamused as his shadowed posture would like to convey.

You inhale and strain to slow your breathing as you pull yourself back to sit and face him again, practically gasping for air. “Wait,wait,wai-” you inhale deeply, catching as much oxygen as you can this time, ”I’m sorry-ha-.” You then finally release his forearm, only now realizing you were the only one with any grip anymore. “That’s got to be the least threatening thing you’ve ever said to someone, I think.”

“Not able to scare you off, apparently.  Most people run from me.”

“Nope.  Told you I wouldn’t, remember?  Back on Cantonica.” you take a moment to scoot yourself closer, his neck bending to adjust to the change.  “I’m also the craziest bounty hunter in the guild, so.  Look.”  You lift up to show him.  “I even have an ammo belt, see?  It holds all of the bullets, for all of my guns that I have.”

His hand slowly comes up and you think he’s going to grab the band of leather across your chest to either take it off you or pull you forward with it, but then he just grabs the bend between your neck and shoulder to gently squeeze it instead.  

“...You’re beautiful.”

Your breath catches.  You blink twice at him, your heart suddenly thundering under his hold.

“When you're sleep deprived or delirious, when you're awake and way too clever like this, whenever you're just talking to me or the kid.”

His large hand around your bend gently pulls your torso up against his, the other coming to make its way over your other arm and resting on your upper back.  

NAR SQU: The world would have you believe he’s a monster, a lifeless droid or cold-blooded creature under all his drapes and metal exterior. But the warm body softly embracing you right now reinforces what you already know. He’s just a man. Alive, like you. His touch giving you life, just as much life as his unmodulated voice does, the only thing keeping you apart being just metal, which just so happens to perfectly fit the shape of your cheek.

“When I can see you or in complete darkness.  You’re beautiful.”

You stare at the fresher light past him as your head is cradled in the crook of his neck, any sense of thought going numb at the softest, warmest feeling you think you've ever felt deep in your chest.

NAR SQU: You think—for one ludicrous, insane second, you think that the enormous swelling in your chest literally transfers itself up to your brain and causes you to have an aneurysm right there. But nope—it’s just

The entire hull starting to violently shift and shake, swerving sideways and jerking upwards with rapid, unpredictable shifts in gravity.

You’re ungracefully thrown on, over and past, him towards the side of the hull like a ragdoll in the chaos, trying to find some sort of stable ground when you accidentally knee him in his side with the end of the turbulent shift.  Mando grunts and is thrown against you when the ship immediately veers the other way, the sudden impact of him squishing you against the hull wall crushing your lungs and making it impossible to breathe with the brutal changes in g-force.  Did he—did he leave the baby in the cockpit?

……He left the baby in the cockpit.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Stand-up comedy I've watched/re-watched recently (Inside was a re-watch):

Bo Burnham – Words Words Words (2010), What (2013), Make Happy (2016), Inside (2021)

I’d been meaning to get around to these for ages, and I’m glad I finally did. I did see Inside before, closer to when it first came out. But I re-watched it after watching those other specials, because everything is better in context.

The earlier specials weren’t entirely new to me either, of course. I’m the same age as Bo Burnham (almost exactly, he’s like six weeks older than me), and started getting big on YouTube when he was in high school, and therefore I was also in high school. I was in high school, in 2006, a year when the internet was a weird little thing inhabited only by nerds, and my friends and I were among those nerds, and Bo Burnham was this little teenager who sang songs in his bedroom that got passed around by all the nerds on the internet. My friends and I used to send them to each other over MSN Messenger and then sing them at school. A voice of a generation. Or at least, the voice of one very specific group of underground nerds of that generation.

I followed Bo Burnham fairly loosely in the years that followed, and then eventually that dropped off and I sort of forgot he existed until Inside, which of course made me and the rest of the world say “Jesus Christ, look what happened to that little kid.”

I thought I’d never seen a full Bo Burnham special before Inside, had just watched lots of his individual songs on YouTube. But when I watched Words Words Words, his first special (from 2010, shortly after I finished high school, when he was only nineteen years old), it was all so familiar to me that I think I must have watched that one before. Or at least, I remembered having watched every song in it. Maybe I watched it in separate parts on YouTube when it first came out.

I’d seen a few of the songs from the other specials before too. In particular this one, because I quite enjoyed when he put out a song on a niche issue that happens to be one I’ve been fighting about for years:

I happen to be a big fan of country music and a big anti-fan of pop music that incorrectly markets itself as country, and since I was in high school, my friends have known that if they want to entertain themselves by annoying me, they can play something off country radio and tell me they love this country music. Or even just tell me they feel neutrally about this country music. My issue isn’t that people love it, my issue is calling it country music. I don’t mind if people enjoy this shitty pop music made by Luke Bryan (I mean, I am judging them a bit, but to each their own, sort of, I guess). Just don’t tarnish it by labelling it with the same word that describes a totally different genre of music that I do like.

Anyway, that opinion has been a running theme of my life for many years, and when Bo Burnham’s song Pandering came out, about ten of my friends sent it to me within the first 24 hours. And they were right to do so. Thanks, Robert. Thanks for continuing to be the voice of the very specific niche that I occupy in our generation.

So I’d heard some of Bo Burnham’s songs before. But I hadn’t seen the full specials (expect maybe Words Words Words, as it looked so familiar, but if so then I saw it a very long time ago, I might have watched it when it first came out in 2010). I was a little hesitant about going back and watching Bo Burnham’s old stuff. Inside does have an entire song about how #problematic he used to be.

And I do remember that, I remember 2006 internet culture. (Warning: I'm going to veer wildly off topic there because I think the nerdy internet culture of 2006 is the essence of Bo Burnham's earlier work, and I explain why that culture seemed so imprtant via personal experiences because I was there, I will get back to Bo Burnham eventually.) I’d say that was second-generation internet. The first generation was before my time and I believe mainly involved AOL chatrooms. The second generation was mine, and it was this specific culture the internet created, in the early South Park age, of dank memes, and “edgelord” being a word that people would unironically claim as their identity. This was the “there are no girls on the internet” era. Of nerds meeting each other on the internet and figuring out that they weren’t alone, that others like them faced this same bullying, and therefore they were extremely oppressed people and did not at any point have to examine whether they could ever be perpetrators rather than victims. That’s when little teenage Bo Burham turned up on YouTube, with his song about how his whole family thinks he’s gay.

As a queer white female nerd who came of age in the time, I definitely saw how much misogyny and homophobia existed within that community that was dominated by the straight white male ones. But honestly… sometimes I think we’ve overcorrected a bit, these days. Hear me out – I do not mean we have overcorrected because the pendulum has swung too far in favour of female supremacy and feminism has gone too far. I have not suddenly gotten super into Joe Rogan.

What I mean is, in 2006, there was an agreement within nerd culture that most people in it were straight white boys and there was no need to accommodate anyone else, and asking them to accommodate anyone else was wrong because they were all oppressed for being nerds, and the oppressed nerds can’t be doing anything wrong. At some point, some people rightly pointed out that “straight white male nerd” is not, in fact, a systemically oppressed group, and in fact they'd created a culture where members of actual systemically oppressed groups were not treated well. I am glad there is much more recognition of that now. But sometimes I think it can go a bit far if we forget that… look, in 2006, people definitely were bullied just for being nerds. I was there, I saw it happen. My straight white male friends were bullied for that in the same way as me and my female friends and my brown friends and my queer friends. We were a fairly diverse group of nerds (also I was an athlete, but in a tiny sport that no one at school gave a shit about, popularity-wise it was pretty much like being on the chess team, and every moment that I wasn’t training I was hanging out with my anime-watching D&D-playing friends). Kids really were mean to us for being weird, nerdy, not cool, all things that aren't systemically oppressed but did still ducking suck in school in the 00s (don't know what it's like now, I'm not there). The internet was a refuge from that, and Bo Burnham felt like one of us, the people too steeped I'm edgy internet humour.

I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like my high school friends could be sort of a microcosm of how the sense of “nerd is my identity and it makes me oppressed so therefore I will huddle with people like me and never examine any potential problems in my in-group” culture happened. We needed each other. A lot of us had never had friends before we found each other in high school. I certainly hadn’t.

I recall my elementary school and middle school years as sheer torture. I never spoke at school. No one would speak to me. No one would sit with me. I’ve got some pretty “movie cliché-style bullying” memories of getting cornered on the playground by kids who would ask me questions I didn’t know the answer to and laugh when I was too anxious to answer so I’d stutter or whisper or cry. The only times I ever skipped school were when we had to pick partners for group projects, I have strong memories of hiding under the stairwell to avoid it, terrified that someone would find me and I’d be in more trouble, even more terrified of having to sit there in class while everyone else picked someone and I watched all the partners disappear and then it was just me and everyone would stare at me and I’d hear people mutter the word “loner” and if I was lucky the teacher would let me work alone and if I was unlucky they’d make me join some other group that would look disgusted to have me. I remember trying to find a place where I could sit by myself at recess where no one would see me and make fun of me. Lining up rocks on the playground and not being able to explain when people came by and asked me what I was doing, except that everything in my brain was yelling that I didn’t belong there and shouldn’t be there, and if I could get all the rocks into the right formation then at least the environment would feel right and I could sit by myself next to them and be comfortable (the OCD diagnosis came around this time, as did the generalized anxiety and social phobia ones – Asperger’s was later).

I recall sitting in my bedroom when I wasn’t at school, playing my music and trying to plan out the next day so I could maybe talk to the other kids if I just prepared well enough, going over and over in my head everything I’d seen at school to try to learn from it and follow all the social expectations properly next time, and then I’d go back to school and still get it wrong. And then I’d log onto my Harry Potter message boards on the early internet and talk to some people who didn’t know how worthless I was, and that was the most connected I ever felt to the world.

And some kids were nice to me. Some kids were the “nice kid in the class” who talks to the weird kid in the class, invites them sit with their friends at lunch (for one day, as a favour, it never developed into actual friendship). I have memories of how incredibly grateful I was to every kid who did that for me. And looking back, most kids probably never thought about me one way or the other. But enough kids were mean directly to me, and enough other kids might not talk directly to me but did talk loudly about how gross they found loners and weird kids and girls who didn’t be a girl properly (oh right, this all happened as we were hitting puberty and no one gave me the memo about how we were supposed to start wearing makeup and paying attention to our clothes), so I felt like every moment I was at school, every person hated me all the time, and I didn't belong there.

When I graduated, the school gave me an award for overcoming obstacles, and I remember thinking, You mean you knew? You knew all along that school was torture for me and you didn’t change it? Though of course, looking back, people tried. My parents took me to all kinds of psychologists and other doctors, but nothing helped. My mother’s told me since then that she used to cry when she’d get calls from my teachers saying how anxious I was and how I still wouldn’t talk to anyone and how I got bullied, and she thought about switching schools but knew how strongly I became attached to familiar places and didn’t want to force a change like that on me too.

But the point is that those things didn’t happen to me because I was a girl, or because I was queer, and certainly not because I was oppressed in some other way because I’m not (very white). Some of the bullying definitely came from me being a girl who didn’t conform to gendered female expectations, but that’s the same type of bullying that gets aimed at boys who don’t conform to gendered expectations, which does often happen to nerdy straight boys (hence Bo Burnham’s problematic reclamation of the word “faggot” that used to get thrown at him). That was bullying that happens to any kid who’s not the cool kid in class, no matter where they are on a demographic identity spectrum. So yeah, I can see how male nerds end up saying "I am oppressed for my identity, you can't call me privileged or a bully. And then they'll quote a rape joke that they heard on the internet, because the internet is their sanctuary and nothing there can be wrong, and therein lies the problem.

And then I got to high school, and I met other kids like me. In person, not just the other people on my Harry Potter message boards. Kids who also got bullied in middle school and hadn’t had friends before. I became friends with them, and I joined the sports team where I was good at something for the first time and felt like part of a community for the first time, and those things earned my eternal loyalty, because they saved me. In high school, my new friends and I bonded over all being on the internet in those days when the internet was a weird nerds-only thing. We bonded by sending each other dank memes, which, looking back, were pretty rife with problematic humour. We bonded over videos of Bo Burnham singing offensive songs. And we didn’t stop to question whether the stuff we liked was in some way perpetrating harm, because we were the victims and everyone else was the bullies, and this nerd culture was what made our victimhood better, so how could it be bad?

Like I said, I think we were a microcosm. A microcosm of why toxicity runs so rampant in nerd culture. It’s wonderful that people have started criticizing all the toxicity – I say this as someone who used to be a teenage girl hanging out in 2006 nerd culture and putting up with a lot of misogyny there that doesn’t get tolerated the same way today. Part of the way they’ve addressed that problem is by pointing out that “nerd” is not a systemically oppressed class, it’s just a label that people often use as an excuse to be a bigot. And that’s true, and that’s bad. But it's still a difficult thing to be.

That’s my context for Bo Burham. And I realize I left the point of this post behind fucking ages ago. I'm afraid I am unable to remain on topic when reviewing a comedy show, I am unlikely to be hired by Chortle. But I do feel like it’s relevant context. Because that is the specific niche of my generation that Bo Burnham was the voice of. He was the young, confused, problematic voice of my generation’s nerds who were steeped in internet culture. And we had a deep loyalty to that culture, shaped by how we came to it.

That was Bo Burnham’s thing, at the time. He turned up on YouTube saying “I’m the boy who’s so bad at being a boy that my family thinks I’m gay. I’m the nerd who doesn’t fit in at school but I’m smarter than my bullies. I’m the kid who likes to read and likes to write and is into poetry and is considered uncool for it. I’m the edgelord who will reflect that fucked up internet humour that’s the calling card of the only community that lets weird kids in.” And we loved it. We heard him make his fat jokes and say his slurs, and we loved it.

So like I said… I was a little nervous, going back and watching his old stuff in 2023. I didn’t remember exactly how bad it was, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out. And having said all of that, I am very pleased to report… not quite as bad as I thought. There were problems, obviously. But I think the peak of his edgelord days was his high school stuff that only got released as individual songs on YouTube, didn’t get into his proper specials. Once he got into his twenties, he’d moved past the worst of it. He was still a little to quick to throw around some words that seemed less bad then, but were in fact slurs at the time, as well as being slurs now (I hate it when people say “well it was okay back then, it wasn’t a slur back then” – at best it may have seemed by some people to be more okay back then, that doesn’t mean it was actually okay). But no worse than, you know, most comedians in the 00s. I have old Kitson recordings that are probably worse than some old Burnham stuff, in terms of slur count.

Words Words Words was the bridge between his teenage edgelord years and his better later years, the the special he made in 2010 when he was only 19. That was by far the edgelord-iest of all his specials, but still, not quite as bad as I was expecting. I was surprised it only had one actual rape joke in it. Which is, to be unequivocally clear, still far too many rape jokes. But relatively tame compared to a lot of the rape joke-laden humour of 2010. I think I was misremembering Bo Burnham as being at the cuttingly offensive edge of the horrible 00s comedians, when in fact, he was less bad compared to most of them.

Words Words Words had some pretty painful and horrible jokes about fat people and disability. But they took up a smaller percentage of the hour than I was expecting. Way more minutes of that special were dedicated to poetry than to slur usage.

Including one poem about William Shakespeare, that I did hear when it came out and I remember thinking, at the time, that this was a sign that Bo Burnham was some advanced intellectual, that he knew so much about Shakespeare that he could write poetry about the intricacies of it. Now, I’m pretty sure that was just a case of a high school kid learning about Shakespeare in class, then going home and writing poetry that incorporates what he learned in English class. The infuriating thing is it’s fucking good. Everyone wrote poetry in high school. I wrote poetry in high school, including poetry about stuff I’d learned about in school. It was terrible. The only thing that makes me feel okay about that is knowing everyone wrote terrible poetry in high school. I rather resent Bo Burnham for writing good poetry in high school. But it wasn’t intellectual giantism. It wasn't even incredible poetry. It was just, you know, the unusual feat of writing high school poetry that didn’t suck.

There was a surprising amount of poetry in that special. Also, watching Words Words Words this year reminded me that his song Art Is Dead was on there. On Words Words Words, which came out in 2010, when he was only 19 (and much of it was written when he was younger than that, obviously). I'd been thinking of that song as something he made in his twenties, once he'd been around the showbiz industry for a while, and had developed disillusionment with it. But it turns out he'd developed that as a teenager. Apparently, going viral on YouTube in 2006 will fuck you up.

I don't love the idea that we should feel sorry for someone who was incredibly successful and made huge amounts of money, but also, fucking hell. That is a lot of disillusionment for a fucking teenager. I mean, I guess disillusionment is generally associated with teenagers, maybe this is just more high school poetry written by someone with more talent for throwing words around than he knew how to use appropriately. But I've always really liked this song.

Words Words Words ended with that and started with this, which is probably a good example of all the things about early Bo Burnham:

Complicated clever playing with words that maybe didn't always work quite as well as he thought it did. Offensive words dropped with too little examination of whether they're okay to say at all, but they're dropped with irony and mainly to make fun of the people who drop them unironically. Criticism of art and performance, with acknowledgement that he's engaging in the same thing he's making fun of. A jaunty melody that doesn't match the increasingly unhinged and dark lyrics. Relentless introspection, which comes out as more interrogating the nature of performance and art, because that was what he was doing with his life. That's the first song on his first special and it pretty well summarizes early Bo Burnham.

That last theme was one he kept up through his later stuff, up to and very much including Inside. I'd heard a lot of his sort of meta performance songs individually before, but I didn't put together how common they were for him until I watched all his specials at once. Pandering, his anti-fake country music song, wasn't a one-off. He's got a similar one about pop songs (Repeat Stuff). And a lot of songs and some poems about the vapidity of most mainstream media. There was his rant about reality TV coming from people thinking every little thing they do deserves an audience, because no one respects the craft enough to put things together with time or care, and he puts three years of effort into making something complicated with densely packed carefully chosen words (which is true - his specials are 2010, 2013, 2016, 2021). Inside took that same idea to social media, the songs about Instagram and Welcome to the Internet and the reaction video parody and that part where he lies on the floor and talks about the commercialization of teenage emotions.

The pre-Inside years of this cumulate in the end of Make Happy, which is his final pre-Inside special, from 2016 (there were videos on YouTube of the final song, but they didn't include the talking before it, so I cut that out myself and uploaded it here, since it's too long to upload directly to Tumblr):

I'd put together that running theme, realized the majority of his material is meta stuff on the subject of art and music and performance, probably about twenty minutes before I got to this point in his third special, when he stopped the show to overtly lay that out and explain it in plain terms to the audience. And then he builds into one of his most famous songs, his Kanye-style rant. The one that ends with him walking into that little shed or whatever, and then he doesn't make any more comedy specials until Inside, which is entirely filmed in that shed, so it gives the impression that he just walked out there and didn't walk about for five years. Which, according to a few segments from Inside, he seems to suggest is sort of what happened.

I do think that lends legitimacy to his Kanye song. It's always a risk, getting serious and sad and emotionally vulnerable in a comedy show. Because it's been so much that it's a cliche that people make fun of, and it can be hard to watch if it's not done well. It's also hard to make it sound sincere, especially if you're a very successful comedian because everyone knows you make too much money to generate much sympathy. Also, it's hard to make it feel honest. You perform the same show, every night, carefully written and rehearsed beforehand - the audience knows they're not watching someone genuinely lay out their emotions. Maybe you really are feeling these vulnerable emotions, maybe you had award nominations in your eyes. (To be clear, I say this as a fan who has been emotionally moved by plenty of emotionally moving comedy shows - I've just also cringed at some, and I recognize that the harder you double down on it, the harder it is to get right.)

Well, I'd say Bo Burnham has backed this one up pretty well with the fact that he did actually stop performing stand-up for several years after this. He wasn't pretending to have anxiety about his career and his position in life (just) so he could turn his emotions into commercial gain. He gave up quite a lot of potential commercial gain by not performing for a while, and coming back only when the pandemic let him do it with no audience, telling us he'd stopped because he was having panic attacks on stage.

He also makes the deep emotionally vulnerable part of the show work by burying it in irony and humour, starting with the Pringles and burrito stuff as a parody of this type of thing, before doing it for real. Then even fakes us out, making it look like the Real Problem he's been building up to is wanting to have a kid, immediately undercuts that by going back to Pringles, and only then gets into the emotional stuff for real. And auto-tunes the shit out of it to make fun of Kanye West and other grandiose singers, so he is still doing a parody. It adds enough layers of jokes to earn the rest of it. And in my mind, it really works.

The other reason he had to add all that other stuff to justify his right to complain about this problem is that the audience could resent him for complaining about how difficult it is to be rich and famous and successful. So he combats that, like a lot of decent famous comedians do, by being constantly self-aware about that, not just in that song but all the time. That goes back to Art Is Dead, the very beginning of the show he made at only nineteen, expressing guilt about making so much money for pointless songs over other people who deserve it more. There is also a running theme across all his stuff about feeling guilty for not doing something genuinely important.

Weirdly, that's another area where I find Bo Burnham relatable, even though I am not a multi-millionaire entertainer. It's not a problem I had until the last few years. Before then, I always felt this obligation to help others the way I'd been helped when I needed it, to go back and find the kids/teenagers who were struggling and didn't know how to communicate, and I'd communicate to them and give them a community and be the adult they needed, just like my friends and my (good) coaches and teammates had done for me in high school. I did that for years, as a coach of low-income kids, of disabled kids, of weird and nerdy and difficult kids, of kids who had no friends outside the sport, who didn't fit in. I felt like I was helping them and like my life made a difference.

That's been gone, since 2020. And nothing has really replaced it. I had this vague guilt for the last few years, about making money of unimportant editing jobs and not making the world better. Then this year I started working as an autism therapist, and I thought that would make me hate myself less, because surely that's useful. That's the kind of job people like Bo Burnham are talking about, right? When they say they feel guilty for writing silly comedy instead of helping the world, they mean they should be out working with disabled children. But I don't feel any less guilty. I'm not really doing anything useful, I'm just following a plan and getting paid for it. If I weren't doing it, someone else would do the same thing for the same amount of money and the kids would be in the same position. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people around the world have said that Bo Burhnam's songs have helped them to feel better when they needed it - he's done a lot more for the world than I have. And therefore, I do find something relatable in the "I don't contribute anything genuinely important" guilt of a multi-millionaire entertainer. I guess I can say that at least I'm not getting millions of dollars that could otherwise go to the genuinely important people. I'm getting quite a small amount of money for my job.

All right, that's brought me to the subject of people who find Bo Burnham's songs helpful, and that leads to me say this is the point in this post when I want to mention the only two Bo Burnham songs that have actually made me cry. One, obviously, is that song from Inside about how the pandemic caused him to lose all the progress he'd made as an adult on functioning in the world and go back to being a kid stuck in his room (because, you know, same, except that when I went back to hiding in my bedroom on the internet, I found my Harry Potter message boards were gone so I made a Tumblr blog instead). And the other is a borderline indefensible song that I am hoping I have done enough, throughout this entire rambling post, to defend:

It's not in any of his filmed specials. I've heard he used to perform it live at the end of What, but cut it from the filmed version. I definitely remember the first time I heard this song, when I was not long out of high school. It immediately made cry, and also made me cry the second and third times I listened to it, and can still do that today if it catches me in the right (or wrong) mood.

I think until I heard this song I didn't even realize how much resentment I still felt toward everything that let me spend those years as a non-functional drowning primary and middle school kid. I did realize how much imposter syndrome I had, how for years after I started having friends and being on that sports team and in that community, I thought I was just temporarily fooling people. I remember being fifteen and writing in my journal that I'd gone to a tournament and I'd hung out with teammates and competed and even won some matches, I got treated like a person who belonged there and who was made of the same stuff as everyone else and was worth as much as they were, but at any moment I expected someone to come in like Graham Chapman breaking up a Monty Python sketch, say "No, no, there's some mistake, this is the loner from middle school, she's not supposed to be here." I remember sitting with friends in the hallway at lunch time, playing Magic the Gathering and thinking "I'm not supposed to be here" over and over, and being scared I'd get caught.

That's the headspace I was still in the first time I heard this song, and that's enough for me to justify a hell of a lot of what's in it. Like the first couple of words being homophobic and ablist slurs, and the chorus containing another slur, there is some straight-up misogyny right near the beginning where he calls a female bully a whore. It's not great. None of it's great.

Okay. It is my view that if a word counts as a slur against a systemically oppressed group, you should not say that word if you are not a member of that group, regardless of the context. I would not say it, and I don’t think other people should say it. However, that doesn’t mean that if other people do choose to use those words, I’m just going to ignore the context. Some contexts for using those words are much, much better than others. And just reporting speech that other people have said, in order to say you think that speech was wrong – especially if the speech that you’re reporting was directed in an insulting way at you – is pretty much the best context there could be.

To me, this falls under the same clause as Tim Minchin saying “faggot” in one of his more recent songs. It’s an autobiographical song, and the context is that he’s listing things that people have called him because of his music and comedy: “I’ve been a bigot and a faggot, I’ve been smug and ugly.” Yeah, straight people shouldn’t use that word. But also, if you get called a word, you should be allowed to tell people that that’s happened to you. That seems like a fair rule to me. If people call you something, you should at least get one little pass to use that word while telling others that they’ve called you it.

And I have no doubt that Tim Minchin has been called a faggot. I’m thinking of the Paul Foot joke, where he says school is a weird place because it’s where children will be incredibly homophobic to kids who aren’t even gay – they don’t even check. No one checks. Any kid who doesn’t perfectly perform their gendered expectations (or any expectations of popularity, really) gets called homophobic stuff – especially in 2006. I also have no doubt that Bo Burnham got called that word a lot. He did write an entire song as a high school kid about how his whole family thought he was gay.

And this is where I think it sometimes goes too far when people say being a nerd does not make you systemtically oppressed, so you shouldn't be allowed to use the language of systemic oppression to talk about it. That is true, and an important point to make when addressing misogyny in nerd culture. But also, Bo Burnham definitely got called a faggot, and those other slurs in that song that I'm not going to write down because I don't think I have the same pass to use them (even though I have been called those words as well, certainly the R and S ones). Surely he's allowed to talk about that, and write songs in solidarity with other kids who get called those words whether they technically apply to them or not.

...None of that justifies calling the girl a whore, though. I've got no defense for that and neither does he. That's the only time (in this song) he uses a slur against another person, instead of reporting what's been used against him. But I do forgive it, because it made me cry and realize how worried I still was on behalf of the kid I used to be, when I heard the voice of my niche of my generation tell me he had that kid's back.

Look, I tried to find something interesting to say about this next song so I could have an excuse to add it to this post, but I don't have much, so I'm going to add it anyway because I love it:

From a few years after the original Words Words Words show, where he kept doing poetry that played with words, that was densely written and clever and worked way too well for some shit that was done by a teenager, but still, didn't work quite as well as he seemed to think it did. It feels like a few years later he had it figured out.

So, as it clear here, watching those Bo Burnham specials brought up a lot of stuff for me. To the point where I've now written pages and pages about him and haven't actually gotten to whether I thought his stuff was funny, as I've been too busy on 1) the personal emotional stuff from him and what personal stuff it reminds me of from my life, and 2) whether you can justify the #problematic thing. Because Bo Burnham is so overwhelmingly tied to that stuff in my mind, it's hard to separate the art from the rest of it.

If I put both of those things aside for a moment, of course it was fucking funny. The stuff when he was young was shockingly well written for someone so young (the signs of his youth were there, it wasn't perfect, he probably shouldn't have been given such a big platform at that age, but still), and I don't think he had that thing that a lot of young talented people get where they stagnate after their teen years and other people catch up. He kept getting better, you can see it with each show. It helps that there were 3 (or more) years between each show, so much of his stuff is so densely written that you can see it takes him that long to put it together.

The production values were amazing. The little touches like writing the entire text of the show on the wall of Words Words Words (not a little touch, that's a big touch, but there's so much else going on that it feels little). He can play the piano quite well. The thing where he knocks the water over at the beginning of What is really funny. Not every single song or comedy segment of every single special is a smash hit, but almost none of them seem bad (with... a few exceptions in his earlier work). I love how you can watch him get better, as the years go on, at expanding on his ideas and finding creative ways to express them.

This post took me too long to write and I can't be bothered to edit it now. Sorry for the massive number of errors that are definitely in it. The song Welcome to the Internet is a work of genius, not sure if I've mentioned that yet but it seemed worth saying. Since I seem to have decided to cram every thought I've ever had about Bo Burnham into one post (and quite a few thoughts that aren't about Bo Burnham, but have been on my mind lately anyway and were brought up by watching Bo Burnham, and this is one of those posts where it makes me feel better to think all my thoughts about this are written down and put in one place so I can move on from them, it's not really any good to anyone else).

[sweepseven]

Cirque du Soleil: O and KÀ viewing notes, post-pan edition!

First trip to Las Vegas since the pandemic and holy shit!! Was it a TIME. The When We Were Young festival was my excuse to be there, but I can’t set foot in that town without fitting in at least one Cirque show. I managed O and Ka and a last-second Atomic Saloon decision and oh my god did I have the visit of a lifetime. I’ll keep this post strictly to the circus shows, but like. Truly it was nuts. 

Anyway! O! I cannot overstate how happy I was to see this show again. This turned out to be my 50th ever Cirque performance and I couldn’t have asked for more. The detail most worth reporting is that according to a friend in the box office, whispers say the show is due for a refresh in January! It's been 24 years and O has never had a facelift! This is so so exciting! There's so much new technology they can integrate into the show, potentially new acts (though I can't imagine O without any one of its current acts), maybe even new music...I can't wait.

Richard MacDonald refreshed the sculpture gallery the very day I arrived in town and of course they're all incredible. He was there and apparently I just missed him when I went to pick up our tickets - too bad, I wanted to say hi!

Our performance was flawless, as always. One flyer fell during bateau but every other detail in the show went beautifully. I had three contortionists, and for some reason I am cursed to only ever see solo swinging trapeze but whatever, it was amazing regardless. The singers were going fucking hard, especially on Tzelma, and their little dance during Simcha was worth the cost of admission alone. I just love seeing them have fun. Crowd was solid, probably 75% full, which for O is more than plenty. There were nothing but empty rows behind us so my friends and I moved back a little ways so we could chat. I've never gotten to talk through an entire performance and it was such a treat hearing my friends react, ask questions, and just engage with the show with so much enthusiasm.

Last thing for O is that the day of the show I received a kind of "keep the magic going" email from Cirque offering up to 50% off LOVE and Ka, which is insane! Like, an almost alarmingly steep discount! And of course everyone likes to say both those shows are on the eternal chopping block, so I was a little 👀 about it. Still, hot tip for all: if you're seeing multiple Cirque shows in LV, maybe take the gamble on seats and wait until the day of your first, get that email, then book the others. I wouldn't expect to see an offer for a discount on O or Mystere, but worth a shot!

That said if anyone would like this offer, lmk and I'll gladly forward you the email. It's good until 12/31 and I won't be back in time to take advantage of it!

Next up was Atomic Saloon and I'll just say that show is an absolute fucking blast and if you can go, do. Fernando Miro is living his best life times a thousand. There's a dog. There's some of the most convincing physical acting I've ever ever seen, and I won't go into more detail for the sake of preserving the surprise for you. See this show. The end. Period.

So now Ka! By this point in the trip I am utterly fucking tapped. We had seen and done so so much between the shows, the festival, the partying, everything. I had the wildest nights I've ever had in that city and by that point it was all really taking its toll. So my attitude going in was very "Ka, I love you, but Jesus fucking Christ." Until then I thought it was impossible to feel disappointed that I had Cirque tickets. But I achieved it. Like that's how rough it was lol

That feeling lifted like a fog the minute the music started. I was so exhausted and out of it that I got an almost totally fresh perspective on a show I've seen now six times: it was just happening before my eyes and I was along for the ride. The boat rowed in and I was immediately transported. I forgot how much I missed this show, and watching each character go by as the stage rotated honestly felt like seeing old friends after years apart. And in a way that's exactly what happened! Watching the Chief Archer's Daughter put on her makeup so slowly and gently, the Firefly Boy sprinkling a handful of petals, the Jester eating his grapes, all of it felt as warm and welcoming as a long delayed embrace.

I'll be quick about acts for the most part: Pageant has some updated choreography that was very fun, Icarian games killed it, Storm isn't quite as fun to watch up close as it is from further back, the turtle scene was shorter and tighter (YAAAY), Pursuit was exact as tense and exciting as you could dream, batons remains perfect, idk why I can't care about that wheel of death act but I can't, and Battle was fine.

But listen!!! Kerren McKeeman as the Twin Sister is! A! Revelation! She's a phenomenal performer and utterly shines in the role. The straps act has some updates to highlight her strengths, and at one point she based the Firefly Boy in a lift and I lost my goddamn mind. Their chemistry together is unmatched, probably the best I've seen for this act. At the end she kisses him fully on the lips. Girl just goes for it. I wanted to cheer. I'll reiterate that I wanted to cheer, I who has spent thousands and thousands of words writing out the Firefly Boy entirely to make room for an impossible romance in goddamn clown fanfiction. Amazing act by amazing performers.

Other details of note: Forest has new bugs! The potato bug is BACK and badder than ever. Firefly Boy pets it like it's the family dog or something. Adorable. The snake was out tonight for some reasons, but there was a giant dragonfly-like one instead that I'd never seen before. There was also a green scorpion-ish thing that I don't think is new new but I don't recall from other viewings. The Counselor had new eyebrows - thicker and more sculpted. Both Firefly Boy and CAD had new, more extravagant costumes for the curtain call. Love Dance and Firefly Both have updated arrangements that I'm not sure I like yet: both give a more theatrical, sparkling impression but might not fit as well with the rest of the show's style. Def didn't hate either one. And did they turn up the volume on the seat speakers? Because holy shit were we rocking. The band killed it all night. The power of this show’s music cannot be overstated.

Okay, character details! Ie the most interesting part to me by a mile:

We had Tricia Woo as the Twin Sister and I completely adored her. She was so energetic and expressive and her chemistry with Peng was adorable. Specific shout out to her raw emotion as the ship sinks. She calls out the nanny's name over and over in this desperate scream, and never has that act had the impact on me that it did tonight. It made The Deep so much more powerful.

TS is visibly afraid of the Counselor's Son when he and his pops crash the function. In fact most everyone was, which was new and interesting to me. CAD isn't just perplexed by his pursuit of her, she's actively nervous of it and him. She turns from him in the Den, she startles when he touches her, and she cowers at his finale reappearance. It was a little chilling - you can’t help but wonder what he has done to get such a reputation.

Jason Biltz delivered yet another excellent turn as CS but it lacked the clarity I've seen in other performances. Tonight the character seemed to favor the path of least resistance and and tbh comes across as a master gaslighter: on multiple occasions he puts his hands up defensively as if asking "why are you so upset?" when he has clearly done something out of line, and he hunches his shoulders as though trying to appear smaller. He does appear to court CAD for 90% political reasons, but come Love Dance he looks truly heartbroken. And then later he doesn’t seem to give a remote shit that she just watched her father die right before her eyes, nor is he at all bothered by the way she's held with a literal knife to her throat. And if he’s always looking for an easy way out, why does he still protest the attack on the Imperialists at the beginning? What's the truth, Rensai, you goddamn snake??

Despite somewhat hazy motivations, Jason plays this bastard as ruthlessly, brutally passionate. It's honestly remarkable. His pride at his every entrance, the deliberate dramatics of his firepowder presentation, his restless and energetic pacing during the wheel of death’s construction, all of it makes him look like the real powder keg about to explode. And when that's exactly what happens, you can't help but feel like you should have seen it coming. I stand by my claim that almost every other singular character in this show could be written out except him: he is essential to the narrative and theme.

The first archer to try to present CAD with a gift was a WOMAN. It was something new, some weapon or something I don't know the name of. Kind of a weighted chain that she whipped around like water meteors. Regardless: BI CAD???? I lost it.

If anyone ever asks you to describe non-sexual human intimacy, show them Shadowplay. It is just desperately tender. The Court Jester tends to the Twin Brother's hand with such delicacy - he removes the bandage, of course, but then has TB hold his palms up so the jester can smooth them with his own. He passes the bandage gently over them, and the gesture is miniscule but it feels like something out of a broader practice. A way to prep TB for the shadow puppets to come while also guiding him away from the tragedy of what they just escaped and into this deliberate moment of peace and rest.

My hasty post-show notes say "TS and FB FUCK but TB and CAD are taking it slow :)" and I'm still kind of laughing about it. There's a distinct difference in the way the twins approach each of their new relationships. TS and Firefly Boy are magnetic and give the immediate impression that they can't keep their hands off each other. Meanwhile TB and CAD are very reserved - more whispers in ears, blushes, and hesitation to hold hands. It's an adorable contrast.

Noriko continues to reign supreme. She gave the most adorable, startled little sound when TB kissed her. 

Peng for president. He’s the best. He’s the best. He. 

And to cap it all off, I swear that theater was 80-90% full. Better than I’ve ever ever seen it. I was thrilled for the artists to get the recognition they deserve in a space so massive. I hope they felt the energy because what they gave to us that night was utterly electric.

All in all a wholly epic weekend. And O got to be my 50th! See ya at 100, CdS. Feeling very lucky, grateful, and verrrry tired. Back in LV in January for Mystere and hopefully LOVE. 💛💚

[popculturebuffet]

Rocko's Modern Life Hutch and Filbert Retrospective: (Rinse and Spit The Big Question/Answer and From Here to Maternity) (Comission for WeirdKev27)

Happy easter all you happy people! This year is an anniversary o-rama isn't it? X-Men, Iron Man, Avengers, John Allison, Legion of Super Heroes and many more. But among them all is one i'm going to be spotlighting a few time this years, a show that dosen't get enough love and deserves all of it: Rocko's Modern Life!

Rocko's Modern Life was created by Joe Murray as one of the earliest nicktoons, and used the wild west nature of those early days to craft what's essentailly an adult animated sitcom on a children's network, a slice of life show about living in your 20's following Rocko, a shy but kind and welcoming australian, his obnoxious but loveable best friend and man child heffer, and their third buddy Filburt, a neuotic turtle who while intially based on a sex criminal, thankfully grew out of that woody allen shape and into his own character. The three navigated all the pitfalls of being in your 20's in the 90's: multiplexes, mean bosses, cranky neighbors, finding out your adopted, health clubs, overextending your credit, crazy buss drivers stalking you to get BACK ON THE BUSSS, kidney removals, your neighbors wife trying to hump you, camping trips, the horrors of riding a plane, getting sent to heck and of course wild pigs.

It was a great show that could be incredibly relatable one minute and entirely bananas the next, and sometimes both at the same time. It was remakrably well done and going back for this set only reminded me why I love it so much.

So for our first look at it this year, we're taking a look at the show's major romantic subplot. It technically had two as Rocko had a longtime crush on his neighbor Melba Toast, but it was less a subplot with any progression and more just him pining for someone who didn't like him back. Honestly I feel bad that Rocko never got a steady relationshpi: he had two that seemed like they might work out and we might get to his fractured love life sometime this year, but the poor guy never got it started.

No the shockingly most consitent relationship on the show was Filburt's with Dr. Hutchison, the love story of a neurotic nerd and a doctor of all trades with a hook. Suprisingly though it's only really the focus of three episodes and an important part of two. We'll be saving kiss me i'm foreign for a later day, but it's remakrable how despite just kinda being there and in a series that didn't focus TOO hard on continuinty, how consitent it is and likeable it comes off. And since I love a good relationship it only seems right to take a nice long look at it and see why it works just in time for Zombie Jesus Day as the last episode happens to involve easter bunnies, jesus mortal enemies. So come with me under the cut for a love story for the ages

Rinse and Spit wasn't an episode I thought much about. I remmebered it sure, it's hard to forget the episode where rocko gets king konged by a giant tooth, but rewatching it this may be one of the shows best. It's just so densely packed with jokes, the second half is so lovingly bonkers, and paula is just so friggin great throughout you can't help but love it. The plot follows Filburt who tries to slasher villian stalk Hefer into taking part in his exam for dental school, and who then baits rocko into it via owing him one from childhood. Said flashback is also great with Filburt being genuinely sweet to his new friend, explaning how he and rocko are so close, the puppy jar, and of course the return of my one and only son

yes, yes you are. I wish he'd shown up more. He is the best of us. It's a good Filbert plot though: he's nervous, out of his depth and sweaty, exactly his wheelhouse with Rocko bein ga good enouraging friend even once he gets out the electrodes.

The real star htough is Hutch who I think makes her debut here. Her origin story is a great one too: Murray was attending a press confrence and was asked why the show had no female role models. Murray naturally for him responded with "people dont' see cartoon characters as role models " and TV shouldn't be used to teach lessons. Which was true for the show and it's goals.. but naturally set the execs into panic mode, askign for Rocko's narcoleptic sister to be added to fill this now needed gap, which he refused. Thankfully for the world and for tv an exec did end up accidently giving him a good idea. She cynically asked for a female character "with a hook". Naturally Joe took this as literally as possible because if you hadn't noticed he's kind of a sarcastic ass and I love it.

What's remarkable.. is he ended up giving them EXACTLY what they wanted through this joke of a response. The writers fell in love with Hutch and thus she became a strong career woman with 80 jobs and degrees, but who was also cheerful and entirley loopy, and could be both without any real contridction. Her weirdness was used fo rjokes, from her unique neck snap, to her hook, but her disability was just as much part of her as it was a fun visual joke. She was someone kids could look up to, someone who was a doctor but still theirselves at the same time while not sacrifcing competence to do so. Honestly out of the cast Hutch seems to be the most together person, without every sacrifcing her having fun to do so. She's not barely scraping by like rocko, reliant off tin cans like her future husband, mooching off whoevers around like heff, or in a miserable dead end job like Mr Bighead. She's just happy and in a career she loves. And that's what we all want right? to be our weird selves and still get to do what we love?

She also gets great character stuff: sh'es clearly into filbert, but refuses to go out with him till the crisis is past and shames him into actually getting back to fixing the mistake he made.. in this case a giant tooth abuducting his best friend, gladly asks him out once it's over, and rejects him from denstitry because well.. giant tooth monster. There's never a moment she's not great.

Rocko also gets one or two great btis: being forced into a "and now kiss' situation with hutch, and when filburt has a shot to save them "He's my best friend but he can't throw. I'd say we're done for". Just the casual way he says it. These eps reminded me that rocko himself is really underated as while he's often the straight man, and a very good one, he can be just as funny himself at times.

Filburt also gets to shine a little: his using a childhood promise, electrodes (which hutch seems to be INNN to) and his phallic chimney sweep dreams at the end all work. Overall this isn't a really deep or character based episode.. but it is relaly fucking hilarious and it'll always have that

The Big Question… is my faviorite episode of the show. It's the one I go back to the most, and has some of my all time faviorite gags which kev kindly screencapped for me. While I do most of mine I can't acess paramount+ on my pc, so he gladly made them for me.

The Big Question also took an uphill battle to get made: not the biggest i've seen in animation, i've seen way bigger fights.. but it was still one. See some execs simply prefer a looser status quo for shows: continuity is fine to a point, btu they want them playable in any order. Obviously they've relaxed ont his a bit as more recent comedies for kids like say craig of the creek, harvey beaks or big city greens still have a pretty rich continuity and ocasionally story arcs. Their just still episodic. It's still just a bit as while seralized shows exist, execs seem antsy about them, see it being the excuse for the owl house's cancelation.

So naturally when the writers pitched Filburt and Hutch, who had been together about a season, marying, they had to FIGHT to get them to agree with it. Me I don't see what the big deal is as it's a very slight change. They live together now probably… and? It dosen't really effect what kinds of stories they can tell an dat most a kid will go "Wait they got married?!" if it get sbrought up..t hen want to see what they missed. I can say this as a kid who often missed big plot point episodes, especially with avatar and badly wanted to know what i'd missed..or simply wasn't aware I missed anything till much later. It seems weird to get upset over when it dosen't hurt the show and the show HAD continuity once or twice before, with Rachel Bighead getting a sequel episode. It's also maddening to think this hatred of episodes having gasp continuity and arcs has NOT gone away. Kids.. like this stuff. I latched onto KND and Danny PHantom in part due to their ongoing soap operas. Amont my niece and nephews, my older nephews love anime, my younger nephew binged avatar all by himself and trollhunters too and my niece has binged gravity falls multiple time. Kids, at least a lot of them, love arc based story telling and plots. They love the fact these thigns pay off.. because most people do. It's how narrative storytelling often works. So seeing these two get married isn't some big GASP THEY'LL BE CONFUSED MOMENT but both a big awe and a desire to see how it happened. HOw it happened is also fun as filbert is neurotic about it!

We also get a nice contrast in their support from Rocko and Heifer: Heifer being.. Heifer… is both genuinely supportive and that one friend you wanted to shove out of a moving vehicle often. He'll troll filburt during a practice session one minute, and help him break into Hutch's old high school in matching stealth outfits the next. It shows while the two's main purpose as friends is to fight, see one of the very episodes today as an example, and have poor rocko serve as referee or just roll his eyes, Heifer DOES care about hima nd want to help

Rocko however shwos some of his best here: he's genuinely supportive.. but also fed up with Filburt's nonseense, constantlly encourging him to

And needling Filburt's attempts to keep putting off his proposal due to nerves. He's harsh sure.. but Filburt needs that. As someone with anxiety I relate to being trapped in your own insecurity and self doubt, so I get Filburt NEEDING that push to do what he truly wants to do but is sipmly too nauseous to pull off. It's a geninely sweet dynamic and i'ts also nice to see Rocko who the universe commonly bats around like a cat with a fairly intresting toy, be the assertive once for once and actually help drive the plot. It also works well as you never get the sense Filburt dosen't want to marry hutch just that his own self loathing and neurosis are an obstacle , one he does almost overcome to propose.. but she beats him to it, which I also like as it fits Paula's positve go getter personality and proves WHY the two, despite being polar oppisites works: he likely grounds her enthusasim while still being genuinely sweet and supportive, and she helps give him the confidence he lacks and genuinely supports him with not a speck of condecsenmsion. She's probably the only person in the series who both won't take Filburt's bullshit.. but also belivies in him. Even Rocko dosen't on most days, and he's our own marsupial jesus. The plot also works well for both it's emotinal core.. and jokes. Paula is hanging around with her good buddy Tiger, and being a traditionally handsome cat man, seriously his arms my god, it nicely sends Hutch spinning> We the audience can probably guess that their just friends because Paula Hutchison isn't a cheater and can you know.. have healthy inter gender friendships. But he's not relaly the obstacle here: the guys just THINK he's one. Filburt is his own worst enemy, he kicks the living shit out of .. he.

That said we do get a nice supporting antagon ist who really dosen't stop our heroes for long but eats all the screentime she has, with Kevin Meany doing an awesome job: The Wido Hutchison. Mrs. Hutchison.. is a racist asshole, beliving turtle on cat marriage is bad and wanting to stop it. She's more scary than funny especially since pricks like this exist in real life. What makes her funny is the contrast of her dead serious if hammy demeanor, with the wackier rest of the cast. My faviorite moments of the episode all come from the gang reacting to her.. and to her LIFTING ROCKO'S CAR AND THROWING IT. Observe

The last one is one I quote a lot and i'll likely get a LOT of use out of that image. The fact Rocko thinks that means anything is adorable. The episode, while defined more by filburt's journey and the heartwarming ending, really does have a lot of good jokes: Rocko's only disguise bein ga hat, the guys using a BOMB as part of the plan, and Tiger just casually holding rocko during the ending. A ship the series should have explored frankly, but eh it was the 90's and all. The ending swerve of hutch proposing and having gotten tiger's help is sweet, as is the fact Filburt still gives her the engagment hook he was going to propose with and the two telling each other "i love you" is so freaking sweet for a show so deranged. Speaking of which

This one was a two parter and a dang good one, though each episdoe feels like a complete short in it's own right. The Big Answer is heavier on the jokes, but keeps the nice character introspectiion and gives Hutch some needed autonomy. She's firm she's into filburt and why she likes him, and backs it up with a defiant kay.. and it also deals with the thorny subject that her mom just.. isn't "kay" with it. That no matter how hard she tries her mom is activelya gainst this and only helping because she loves her daughter, but can't love her enough to stop being a racist bitter ass. Her reasons for being so bitter are given context here, as we find out her father was a turtle, something she knew but never thought the rest of the cast needed to know, and just kinda.. left. Like Hutch speaks to him familiarly enough she clearly still sees him, he just left her and she's understandably pissed, even if her racisim is less so.

We also get our requisite wild bachelor party, complete with characters we don't know which leads to a great gag of "who are those guys"

And our heroes hyjacking an icecream plane and of course Filburt's classic cry of "and my frien'ds australian". The sugar bender is fantastic, flawless, no notes.

Where it leads is also great; Rocko trying to prevent a modern race war is suprisingly darkly funny, with the incidting incdient being filburts unsettling aunt who splashes water on the cats.. and while it's a very Jerkass Heifer moment, the weird swerve of him just.. being on the cats side works both for the sheer out of nowhere ness. and because if you think about it the cow raised by wolves who fights with filburt on a dime taking the predators side in this actually makes complete sense. The ending double punch of them already being married and the hilarity of hutch's dad, "CHARGE MAGNOLIA CHARGE!", really sells th eep. The previous one is better, but this one's still pretty sweet

From Here to Maternity is from the final season and sees the two have kids. And it's an episode that's very much front and backloaded. The middle is just Filburt being an overly masculine jerkass who assume she'll have a cisgender son and who bullies hef for daring to think ti's a girl despite hef you know, sitting on his eggs for him to keep them warm, something Filburt physcially can't do. It just gets exausting after a while and only Rocko's weak "I'm in jail joke" and getting stuck there hwen they move on really works.

The front and back thougH? Fucking fantastic. The opening with our heroes racing the stork is just comedy gold, from Filburt's mania, to him FLIPING AND REVERSING the car to drive it after him, to the stork for no reason deciding not to let filburt just.. beat him and instead taking his glasses to make sure he looses.

But Filburt missing his wife giving birth still works as he was such a dick to the stork to outrun him, you don't feel too bad and the babies hadn't hatched anyway. The gag about hutch having to go right into surgery is both so her and so funny.

The last act though.. is delightfuly batshit. The reveal the lamaze class is a secret front for easter bunnies is delightfully out of left field but still fits the world, Rocko simply having to put his ears up higher to sneak in is an all time great gag, and our heroes landing in jail is great. The ending is also shockingly funny: while the babies hatching is sweet, we get some great gags to quickly take it form sweet to comedy gold: Filburt asserting he's unconcious from the shock with Hutch having none of it and directly standing on him to make her point, and the Heifer resembling baby following rocko around instead, even past the credits is both adorable and makes way more sense than it has any right to. I don't have a ton to say about from here to materinity but the top and bottom are so strong even a week middle can't stop this one from being enjoyable.

So that was Hutch and Filbert and honestly? I had less to say thann I thought. The two are cute , functional and really support one another. There's not much depth.. but that's because the point of these episodes is mostly jokes. There's some introspection, btu the relationship itself is really just two people who ballance one another being sweet. For a 90's sitcom, you can't ask too much more, and what we get is fantastic. Check these episodes out on paramount plus and we'll be seeing mor eof rocko's modern life in the future.

[90363462]

Kanye West No Longer A Billionaire After Adidas Terminates Their Partnership Amid Antisemitic Comments

Kanye West is no longer a billionaire.

The Chicago-born rapper has been taking a lot of Ls lately. Of course, the adversity has entirely been his own doing after multiple instances of ugly and unacceptable antisemitic comments. Now, he’s seeing the consequences of that commentary — and it ain’t good.

Related: Netflix Will NOT Remove Kanye West Doc ‘Jeen-Yuhs’ Despite Antisemitic Rants

According to Forbes, now that Adidas has terminated their relationship with the artist, his net worth no longer sits in the ten-digit range. The financial publication notes it’s not just the end of the Adidas deal that pushed Ye out of the billionaire club. Rather a combination of several things caused the checkdown — including Gap and Balenciaga walking away from the rapper, as well.

When you throw all those variables together, well, it pushes Ye back into the “hundreds of millions” group. That’s still not exactly chump change, but…

Based on Forbes‘ new estimates, they believe Ye to now be worth somewhere around $400 million. Remember, he was at somewhere near $1.3 billion over the last few years before all this terrible antisemitic commentary. So even though $400 million is still a ton of money, it’s waaaayshort of his peak valuation. Yikes!

The outlet notes most of Ye’s net worth is coming from a couple notable sources: real estate holdings, cash, and his extensive music catalog. He also owns a very small stake in ex Kim Kardashian‘s SKIMS brand. That business is a juggernaut, so it’ll help Ye along, no doubt — even though he’s not involved with the day-to-day operations or anything like that. But with things like Adidas and Gap out of the way, quite a bit of his brand has been cut off Just. Like. That.

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In their report from Tuesday morning, Forbes also shades the s**t out of the Jesus Walksrapper. Just read this passage (below) on how, for years, Ye has disputed the financial outlet’s claims about how much he is worth:

Removing Ye from the Billionaires’ list caps off a years-long saga between the rapper and Forbes. Ye always felt his net worth was undervalued. When he first made the list in 2020, with an estimated $1 billion fortune, Ye wasn’t happy. ‘It’s not a billion,’ he texted us at the time. ‘It’s $3.3 billion since no one at Forbes knows how to count.’ This pattern continued every year, with Ye continuing to complain about our low numbers.”

And their cutting commentary continued:

For this year’s valuation, Ye sent documents claiming his Adidas partnership alone was worth $4.3 billion. When Ye learned he would clock in at $2 billion overall, his unhappiness with Forbes leaked to the tabloids.”

Ouch!!

And now he’s not even close to ten figures. In fact, before these major company losses, he told Piers Morgan he was already at probably 120 million only in his account.

Money isn’t everything, but when you care about the number of zeroes as much as it seems like he does, then it sucks to suck! Especially when his awful antisemitism was the cause of his downfall!!

Thoughts, Perezcious readers??

[Image via WENN.]

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