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bimbo-baggins17 · 4 days

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KINKTOBER REQUEST!

hear me out:

incest, boot worship, and rape (I forget the numbers oops) with Kurt Matheson.

the idea in my head was that you're his sister or daughter. because of his untreated issues and very sensitive mental state, you visit him often to check on him. you end up staying over one night, nd during that night, it became unsafe to go outside, so you're stuck with him until further notice.

he confides in you about how long it's been since he's had a woman around him, and you get weirded out and ask him to stop, which bums him out.

in the middle of the night, he comes onto you, babbling about how desperate he is and how pretty you are and how much he needs you. ofc, he's a vet and works out, so he's much stronger and can easily overpower you. you wake up out of your sleep screaming and crying, and he ends up raping you.

finally feeling some sort of control, he tells you to worship him - his body, his voice, his very being - and he starts with shoving you down onto your hands and knees, one booted foot heavy on your spine while you're forced to lick at his other boot, cleaning away the dirt and grime.

I KNOW I JUST WROTE THE WHOLE DAMN THING OUT, BUT IF ANYONE CAN WRITE THIS, IT'S YOU!

I’M POSTING THIS ONE EARLY BECAUSE I CANT KEEP IT TO MYSELF ANYMORE

I know I already told you in our messages how much I loved this but OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. YOUR BRAIN IS BEAUTIFUL BNUUY. Hands down my favorite request like EVER. I went with it being his daughter. Definitely more of a fic than a drabble. Oopsies.

TW: DDDNE!!! Rape and incest!!! Don’t like, don’t read.

One of the only times Kurt would make an exception to answering the door is when he knew you were expected. Every other week, like clockwork, you’d come with some groceries and necessities for your mentally unstable father.

“Hurry. Come in, come in.” His voice is gruff as he quickly ushers you in out of the storm before locking the door once you’re barely past the threshold.

You take a moment to look around his dimly lit space, discarded food cans litter the floor. You sigh as you set the bags of groceries down before stooping to try tidy clean some of it up. Kurt turns to come over to you, his eyes drifting to your ass as you do.

“You know, if you kept your space clean, it would probably help you a bit mentally.” You say with your back still to him. Honestly it probably wouldn’t do much to his fragile mental state but you still tried.

“You worry too much.” He says dismissively coming up beside you.

With a sigh, you straighten up and look at him, “Maybe you don’t worry enough.”

He huffs out a laugh, “You sound just like your mother. Trust me. I worry plenty.”

You shake your head but drop it instead, not wanting to argue. It was draining with him and you were always walking on egg shells. You opt for putting away the items you brought. “I’ll get these put away and then I’ll head out. I can’t stay long this time, sorry dad.”

He exhales and rubs a hand over his stubble. “Can’t give your old man a couple more minutes?”

“Sorry, not tonight. But I’ll be back next week with your med refills.”

He waves a hand at that, “Don’t. Theyre useless anyways.”

You stop and look up at him. “Are you implying you aren’t taking them anymore?”

Kurt looks away, shaking his head. “They don’t work anyways.”

“They can’t work if you don’t take them consistently. We’ve been over this.”

“Yeah you really sound like your mother now.”

You give him a look, unamused by him. “I only say that because I care.”

The lights flicker and both of you look over to the window seeing the storm has gotten significantly worse in the short amount time you’ve been here.

Your dad looks back to you again, “I don’t think I’m comfortable with you out in the weather like this.”

And that’s how you get roped into staying the night at your dad’s. You knew he worried. God he worried about everything. What led to your parents’ divorce was that exact reason. His PTSD got worse and worse until he was unable to leave the house for fear of the end of the world.

Both of you sit on the floor with a lantern between the two of you, barely giving off enough light. The sound of the storm outside drowns out the scraping of utensils in the cans you were eating from.

“How’s school been? I feel so out of the loop anymore.” Kurt speaks up, trying to make conversation.

You shrug lazily, “Alright I guess. You’d be in the loop more if you had a cellphone like a normal person.”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “I’ll ignore that comment,” He mumbles. His eyes move slowly over you again. He’d be lying if he didn’t think you were beautiful, the way your curves filled out more over time, the way your breasts seemed to nearly double in size over the last year. His chewing halts for a second as he feels a familiar twitch in his pants, one he hadn’t felt in so long. “You got a boyfriend?” He questions after a moment.

You stop and look up at him, shaking your head, “No.”

Slowly he nods his head. “You should. You’re beautiful.”

You shift a little where you sit, uncomfortable with the compliment. Sure it was normal for a dad to compliment his daughter but not your dad. “Um. Thanks.”

“I mean it. You’re looking more and more like your mom did in her prime.”

You look up at him again, “Uh..yeah I guess so.”

“Filling out like her too. Getting her curves.” He continues on. He probably should stop but it’s been so long and yeah it’s probably wrong but he’s so starved for pussy, he’ll take whatever he can. It’d be a waste of a perfect opportunity if he didn’t try.

“Dad?” You question with your eyebrows furrow together tightly.

He sighs and hangs his head. “Sorry. It’s just,” Kurt sighs once more and shifts a little closer to you placing a calloused hand on your leg. “It’s been so long since I’ve been with a woman and I-“

“Oh my god, dad. Gross! Stop it!” You shove his hand off of you and quickly put some distance back between you too.

Kurt’s hand clenches into a fist as he brings it back to his lap. “Right. Yeah. Sorry.” He tries to suppress the disappointment in his voice.

“I’m going to bed, I just..ugh.” You were unnerved to say the least. You get up off the floor, leaving the half eaten can of food on the ground.

“You-uh..you can take my cot.” He calls after you before he’s mentally beating himself up again. This was going to be a long night.

Kurt tosses and turns for what feels like hours on the floor, his cock so painfully hard. He sits up a little to look at you on his cot. You looked so peaceful while sleeping, watching the steady rise and fall of your chest with each breath. It was pure torture to have a woman so close but not being able to do anything about it. Any rational part of his brain was gone years ago so his conscience wasn’t telling him to stop as he got up off the floor, slowly making his way over to your sleeping form.

He reaches down and brushes some hair off your face, “So beautiful,” He murmurs, letting his hand move off your face, slowly tracing down your neck over the pulse point, then your collarbone before he’s allowing himself to squeeze your supple breast. He bites down on his lip to keep from making any noise noticing you weren’t wearing a bra to sleep. His cock throbs.

Kurt palms himself to try and cause any kind of relief this way as he continues to knead your breast, feeling the pebbled nipple poking his palm. He lets out a shuddered exhale. His eyes trail down further seeing the hem of your shirt bunched up a little. A peek wouldn’t hurt right? Not like you’d know. Slowly he inches the shirt up until he’s able to see at least one of your breasts. Leaning down slowly, he presses an open mouthed kiss to it.

You stir a little in your sleep but don’t wake up. He freezes for a second to make sure you stay asleep before he envelopes your nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it.

“Fuck,” He murmurs, releasing it. Making a bolder choice, he lets his hand continue its decent to the waistband of your pants before he’s slipping it in, finding your cunt with his fingers. He draws in a shaky breath feeling how you were wet. “What’re you dreaming about babygirl?” He whispers into the dark.

Against anyone else’s better judgment, he eases your pants and panties down, revealing your core to him. He hesitates for a second looking at it, imagining how tight it would feel wrapped around his shaft.

“I’m so sorry baby. Just been so long..and..and it hurts. You know I love you. You’re my beautiful little girl. I know you’d forgive your dear old dad for this.” He rambles quietly before he’s easing onto the bed between your legs as he bends them. Quickly he fishes his leaking cock out, running it through your folds.

Time isn’t a luxury he has right now. As much as he’d love to savor this, he can’t so he pushes into you, keeping his eyes on your face to make sure you aren’t waking up. Slowly he starts to rock into you, biting back moans that threaten to spill out.

“Oh sweet girl..so good to me.” He pants out, rocking his hips into you faster as he chases his much needed release. The caution he had at first is quickly abandoned as his thrusts grow harsher.

You’re stirred from your slumber feeling something that you most definitely shouldn’t be. Hazily you try to make sense of what’s going on as you come to your senses. Quickly you put together that your father is on top of you fucking into you. “Wha-? S-stop! Stop!”

Kurt’s eyes fly open and land on your face seeing you’re now awake. “Shh..it’s okay baby. I know. I know. Just couldn’t help myself-“

You claw at him to try and get him off, shoving at him but he doesn’t budge. “Dad! Please stop!!” You cry.

“No. No. Just-..nghh..be good for your dad.” He grits out.

You continue to squirm and try to fight which only serves to irritate him. He can’t have that. The years of working out and military training served well and he’s able to easily over power you, pinning you down tightly against the cot. “I said, be good.” He continue to pound into your poor pussy, taking what he wants and not caring about your protests.

“Stop! Please!” You keep repeating the words through far tears that roll down your cheeks.

“Don’t cry baby. You’re helping out your dad.” It’s his attempt to console you. As if reminding you it was your father who was fucking you would somehow make it better.

Your protests soon die off, continuing to cry and sniffle under him.

“Good girl. Such a good girl.” He coos before he’s cumming into you. He leans down to press a wet kiss to your chest. “Now tell daddy thank you.”

Quickly you shake your head. The worst was over, so you assumed. You’d leave after he got off of you. “What? No. You’re sick. Sicker than I thought.” You sniffle.

Kurt leans back, a scowl on his face. “Ungrateful brat.” He spits the words out.

Your eyes widen. You’d upset him, that much was clear. You shake your head again, taking back what you said for the sake of not having him rape you again. “No. No wait. I’m sorry..I’m sorry I didn’t mean it.”

“Oh yeah? You’re sorry, hm?”

You nod your head. “Yeah. Yes, yes I’m sorry dad.” It made you sick to call him that now.

“Show me then. Worship me.”

You look up at him with wide eyes. “W-what?”

“I said, worship me. Make your dad happy.”

You don’t even know where to begin, how to lie that well. Kurt is unhappy with how long you take. Slipping out of you, he quickly yanks you up and shoves you onto your stomach on the floor before you can process what’s happening, his one booted foot shoved directly into the center of your back while the other one rested by your head on the floor.

“Lick it.” He instructs.

“What? Lick what?”

He huffs in frustration, “My boot. Lick it. Show your dad how much you love him.”

You start to protest despite your compromised position, but Kurt presses his boot more firmly into your back. “Lick. It.”

You shakily raise your head and stick your tongue out, giving a little kitten lick to the toe of it.

“More.” He encourages, adding more pressure. “Clean it with your damn tongue.”

You sniffle but oblige him, knowing you weren’t getting out of this without doing so. You run your tongue along the toe of his boot, moving to the front of it, dipping down to the sole of it.

“There we go. Much better.” He praises, “Now tell me you love me.”

You suck in a shaky breath, “I-love you dad.”

He hums happily, “Good. Now my voice.”

“I..love your voice.” You sniffle.

He releases a little of the pressure on your back, “My body.”

You fight the urge to recoil at the words he wants you to speak, “I-…I love your body.” You want to puke.

“Mm. There we go. You made your dad so happy, little girl.” He praises softly, “That wasn’t so bad, yeah?”

You shake your head for the sake of appeasing him, “N-no..it wasn’t.”

“Good,” He takes his boot off of your back but then places it down infront of your face. “Now lick this one.”

#tw!rape #tw!incest #dddne #rain works ˚₊‧꒰ა 🌧️ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚#kinktober #kurt matheson #kurt matheson imagine #kurt matheson smut #kurt matheson x reader #kurt Matheson the last man #the last man #hayden christensen characters #hayden christensen

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jessamine-rose · 1 year

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.˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚ Blessing of Aphrodite ˚•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚.

*sobs* It finally happened…..I have made my smut debut and ofc it had to be for Yandere! Pantalone. Brb I’m going to start my walk of shame (∗∕ ∕•̥̥∕ω∕•̥̥∕)

Note:: yandere, dubcon, manipulation, light bondage, edging, orgasm denial, dacryphilia, drugging, Vers! Pantalone, MINORS DNI

♡ 0.9k words under the cut ♡

The Regrator has his ways of invoking your desire.

Despite your defiance, you can’t deny your physical attraction to him. After all, Pantalone is charming, beautiful, and very attentive to his darling’s needs. How can you resist him when he has full control over your body?

He is a cruel lover, really. There is always an underlying threat beneath his kind smiles and honeyed words, the knowledge that you are dependent on him for pleasure. And there is no better way to affirm that than to edge you until you are begging him for sweet release.

Most of the time, it’s easy for him to seduce you. As for your “ungrateful” moods, he can simply slip an aphrodisiac into your food. The latter is done in small doses to make you think that your body naturally craves him despite your mental resistance. With each meal, your internal conflict becomes more severe and amusing to watch.

And when you finally crack? Pantalone will wait for you to approach him first, and only then will he help you. You poor thing, what can he do to alleviate your discomfort? He could summon a doctor though it will take—oh, you can’t wait? Then what do you want him to do? You need to spell it out clearly.

Even then, your verbal confession isn’t enough to satisfy him. Upon reaching the bed, you hesitate at the sight of a familiar pair of shackles. Calm down, darling, he won’t lock you up this time. This is merely a precaution against your lust-ridden state. Now lie down and let your husband take care of you.

…He’s too slow. All you can do is writhe against the chains as your lover “prepares” you. His foreplay is pure teasing—sultry whispers, feather-light touches, love bites over your sensitive spots, deep kisses muffling your pleas for him to just put it in.

And it only becomes worse once you’re finally connected. From his shallow thrusts to his torturously slow pace, every action leaves you desperate for a climax which never comes. And you know that he is doing this on purpose.

After what feels like eternity, Pantalone decides to undo your restraints. That is when you snap, pushing him down and straddling him. Frustrated, you can only cry and bounce on his lap with the single-minded intent of chasing your own pleasure.

It’s not like you have any dignity left to spare.

⬩

“My darling.” Pantalone blinks up at you, registering your flipped positions. “Did I say you could—”

“Stop teasing me!”

Tears blur your vision. You rock your hips, placing your hands on his chest to steady yourself, but it does little to ease the burning ache between your legs.

How much longer must you be at his mercy?

He is still observing you. His passivity is another insult to your shattered dignity, and you resist the urge to provoke him with the shackles. Already, your thighs are trembling to hold your weight up, stained with a humiliating mix of sweat and arousal.

“You’re…you’re too slow,” you whimper between moans. “It hurts so much and you’ve only made it worse. Are you even trying to help me?! I…”

Cruel. Your lover is so cruel.

Yet the sight beneath you only intensifies your lust. His startled expression, his loose ebony hair splayed out on the pillow, his bare skin twinkling with scars and your own tears…

He is absolutely beautiful. And in this moment, you want him more than anything.

“P-Please.” You’re delirious now, gripping his shoulder with enough force to leave marks. He will punish you for the blemishes later, but you don’t care. “Only you. I need—”

A gentle sensation cuts you off.

The Regrator lifts his hand to wipe your tears. The metal chill of his rings soothes your flushed skin, as does the softness of the gesture. You can’t help but lean into his touch.

“My precious jewel,” he sighs. His eyes are alight with amusement. “How do you expect me to know what you want when you insist on remaining silent?”

You wince as his other hand grips your hip, holding you in place. A gloved thumb traces over the fresh love bites.

“You never respond to me,” he continues, “almost like you’re trying to drown me out. Yet the second you demanded my assistance, I set aside everything for you. Mind you, I will need to work overtime tomorrow because of this.”

His previous remarks come to mind: Needy, helpless, ungrateful.

You close your eyes but the guilt is inescapable. Neither can you ignore the scent of your lover’s perfume, a heady fragrance which makes his presence all the more overwhelming.

“I…I didn’t—ah!”

A sudden thrust makes you see stars.

“Doesn’t that sound unfair?” he whispers. He sits up and leans closer, lips ghosting the curve of your ear. “Don’t I deserve a ‘thank you’?”

You blink back tears. “I…”

Another breath is knocked out of you as he lifts your hips and slams you down onto his cock. The smile he gives you is sinful, angelic, so divinely beautiful that you can’t look away.

“Use your words, darling. You are the one who asked for this, after all.”

⬩

In the end, you’re always too weak to refuse his aftercare. You can only give in to the Regrator’s affection as he cleans you up and tucks you into bed, his dulcet voice lulling you to sleep with praises and lullabies. His goodnight kisses are always pleasant.

Hush now, darling. You can rest for as long as you’d like.

Tomorrow, you can return the favor.

♡

ASKSNINS9KWNS PAK U PANTALONE!! WHY MUST YOU BE SO PRETTY AND EVIL YET HAVE SUCH AN UN-MOANABLE NAME—

*holds head in hands* Special thanks to @diodellet for giving me the mental fortitude to to write this and to uncensor the word c*ck. This isn’t one of my best works due to my inexperience with writing smut, but I hope you all liked this and suffered from hornii :’>

Also, this piece was originally connected to my Yandere! Pantalone longfic Housecat. I decided to make it a standalone post, but do check out the fic if you’d like to see more evil, seductive Regrator content ψ(｀∇´)ψ

#pantalone #pantalone x reader #yandere pantalone x reader #yandere pantalone #yandere fatui harbingers #fatui x reader #genshin x reader #yandere genshin #tw: yandere #tw: dark #tw: manipulation #tw: drugging #tw: dubcon #spicy warning #mdni #g/n reader #jessamine-writing

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 1 year

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Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 22

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 9/30/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "I could feel the darkness setting in."

It had been three days since the call with Dieter that turned my life upside down. It had also been three days since I was sober. I was spiraling. Hard. Lauren and Gabby had both tried calling me, but I refused to answer, sending the calls straight to voicemail. Their text messages followed, making it clear that they knew something had happened. The only response I would give them is that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it for the foreseeable future.

Dieter had posted pictures on his social media account from the movie set. Several of them showed Chloe hanging all over him. He had removed the picture of the two of us, taken by him when I was sleeping, that he had previously shared on his account. That alone was a clear indication that something was going on. Not just to me, but to everybody - if it hadn’t tipped off Lauren and Gabby, the tabloids most certainly would notice. As always, they loved reading between the lines. To make things worse, they had published a series of photos from when I visited Dieter on set. Most of the images showed us together and happy, but there was also a candid shot, taken right after his confrontation with Craig. Unsurprisingly, the narrative provided did not match what had actually happened. The gossip rags made it seem like he and I were having an argument. It was all completely fabricated nonsense that only added more fuel to the already blazing fire.

That evening, I was sitting on a lounge chair next to the pool as the sun started to set over the hills. I stared blankly at the water rippling in the pool, my mind hazy as I occasionally took a swig from the bottle of vodka in my hand. It burned in my throat, despite the liquor being top shelf, but it didn’t bother me too much; every time the sting hit, it helped shove away the thoughts crawling through my head.

When the sliding door near the patio suddenly opened, I saw Lauren stride out of the house with purpose, her eyes set on me. She paused in front of me, staring me down with a look of sympathy on her face.

“You look like shit.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious,” I slurred as I took another drink from the bottle. I tried to think of how to get rid of her. I wasn’t ready to have this conversation and I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

I felt uncomfortable under her gaze as she took in my appearance. It made me fidget nervously as I avoided her eyes. Besides, I knew how I looked. I hadn’t showered in three days, which had turned my hair into a mess of tangled curls that pointed in all directions. My face was red and splotchy, and I could feel how swollen my eyes were from the ridiculous amount of crying I had done. My outfit consisting of a pair of cotton shorts, a ratty t-shirt, and robe didn’t do much to help me either; I felt like death and probably didn’t look far from it.

Lauren snatched the bottle of vodka from my hand as she sat down beside me, shaking her head when I tried to grab it back.

“No.”

I gave her a look of annoyance and snatched it back anyway.

“Don’t worry, I’m pacing myself.” My eyes drifted back to focus on the water.

She snorted but chose not to reply, for which I was grateful. Instead, she asked, “Have you eaten today?”

I sighed heavily, “Yes, I ordered a pizza.” I stayed focused on the pool, not breaking the trance of my eyes on the rippling water, wishing it would swallow me up and drown out all the thoughts running through my mind.

“Do you want to fill me in on what happened?”

I turned my head to look at her, my brows knitted together in confusion.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I paused briefly. “I don’t even fucking know.”

It was her turn to look confused, “You didn’t get into an argument at that bar?”

I waved my hand dismissively, now annoyed that even my best friend was apparently reading the tabloids to check in on me.

“No. That’s all a bunch of bullshit.”

She nodded in understanding. “Okay. So, what happened?”, she pressed, once again trying to take the bottle away from me.

“Can we just not? I don’t wanna talk about it. With anyone, ok?” I gave her a stern look as I held the vodka out of her reach, then took a swig. I meant it. I knew she was annoyed that I wasn’t offering any details, because I had never been resistant to discussing certain things with her. But I didn’t want to talk about any of it now. I couldn’t.

“You can see that I’m fine and breathing,” I offered, gesturing at myself. “You’ve accomplished your mission. Can I just be alone now? Please?” I gave her a pleading look. It was clear that she was hurt, but I didn’t have the capacity to deal with that.

Lauren scoffed as a look of frustration formed on her face. She looked like she was about to say something, then stopped herself as she turned around, striding back toward the house as she shook her head. After she left, I felt a wave of anger come over me. I had been trying to push it away for days, but her attempts at making me talk had just sliced open all the wounds again and it felt like anger was seeping from my pores. I grasped the liquor tight in my hands and stood up, needing a moment to balance myself, then made my way over to my craft room.

The painting that I had started for Dieter felt so much bigger than the space it actually took up, and I couldn’t stop myself from walking over to it. Tracing my fingers over the painted canvas, I had to think back to our time in Sonoma. The memories had been on a loop in my head over the past days. He had been so different. I couldn’t understand why he had done a complete one-eighty on me, acting like a completely different person. Maybe Anna was right. Maybe I didn’t know him, and I couldn’t handle him at his worst.

Out of a habit that had crept up on me over the past days, I moved to take another drink of the vodka I was still clutching in my hand, then stopped midway as I stared at the bottle. Fuck. I was losing myself again. It hadn’t just been the anger roaring inside me that had started to seep out - it was actual darkness that had been setting in, carving out places inside of me as it slowly took over, numbing my brain. I let out a frustrated scream as I threw the bottle against the wall beside the painting. I decided in that moment that I wasn’t going to allow myself to go back to that dark place. I had been there before and barely made it out alive. This time it would consume me completely if I let it happen again, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to come back from it.

Clinging onto the sudden wave of clarity, I went upstairs to the kitchen and pulled down every bottle of alcohol that I could find. I poured it all down the sink without a second thought. Then I forced myself to take a shower. The water wasn’t soothing, but rather a slap to my face - first so hot that condensation fogged up the entire bathroom, before I changed the temperature so the cold hit me even harder, giving me goosebumps all over. It helped to pull me out of my head and back into my body. It was amazing how much better I felt afterwards. After that, I set my alarm and went to bed. At that point, I was determined to move on and keep this from affecting me as much as possible. If he didn’t want to be with me, there was nothing I could do about it. Which meant there were zero reasons for me to continue to dwell on it. I was only hurting myself by doing that. He had already inflicted more than enough pain on me than I knew how to deal with.

The next morning, I got up to get ready to go into work. I needed to get out of the house. Away from him. He was still here, a little piece of him in every room. Clothing, shoes, a toothbrush, his scent on the sheets… it was all a painful reminder that he currently existed somewhere that wasn’t with me. I needed to get away from it all and clear my head.

I dressed in a form fitting pencil dress with a matching blazer and black pumps, styling my hair in soft waves around my face and down my back. Some heavier makeup than usual helped to cover the redness left by days of crying.

I knew paparazzi would be outside the office, waiting like they had been doing every day since the Anna incident. They knew I couldn’t stay away forever. If I ran into them, I wanted to make a statement without words. One that said I was moving on and that I was fine. I was no longer the weak and anxious woman I had been with Justin. That was one thing I could thank Dieter for; he helped me get my confidence back. No matter what, I wasn’t going to let anything take that away from me, not even him giving up on us. I needed all that confidence and resilience to get through this.

The paps had obviously gotten a little wiser, now realizing where the employees parked. There were at least seven of them waiting at the entrance to the lot, watching every car that entered. They wasted no time following behind my vehicle on foot as I searched for an open space. As soon as my door opened, they started peppering me with questions about Dieter and the status of our relationship. I attempted to exude confidence as I gave them nothing but a polite smile while I walked toward the entrance of the building. Careful not to give any sort of reaction to their harsh line of questioning.

The atmosphere in the office shifted as soon as I walked in the door. The tension was visible in the faces and posture of every person in the room. They all seemed shocked to see me. No one said anything, they just looked at me with wide eyes. My eyes danced around to each of them before I continued walking toward my office. Kerrie entered behind me after a few minutes had passed. She was clearly nervous and not sure how to act.

“Is there anything you need from me?” she asked timidly.

I stared at her momentarily as I bit the inside of my cheek.

“Yeah, can you get me a status update on our new accounts? And set up a meeting with Steve. I know he has some sort of problem he needs his hand held through.”

She nodded, “Talia, I don’t know what happened but…”

I raised my hand to stop her from continuing, “It doesn’t matter. I would much rather not talk about it. I don’t want anyone to mention it. I’m fine and I’m moving on. Let’s just try to get back to normal, please.”

She gave a slight grimace before nodding in understanding and walking out of the room.

From that moment on, I slid back into my pre-Dieter routine. My day went by quickly. I stayed busy enough that I didn’t have time to think about him, which was refreshing. It was exactly what I needed to recenter myself and move forward. Of course, I was again reminded of him as I walked to my car. The paps that were still hanging around asking questions they thought might get a reaction out of me. I continued with a polite smile and silence as I made my way to leave. Luckily, no one tried to follow me home this time.

That evening, I was determined to remove every trace of Dieter I could find. I put everything that belonged to him in boxes and set them in the garage. I washed his smell out of all the sheets and blankets, wanting no trace of him left behind. I wanted it to be like he was never there. It was the only way I was going to be able to move forward.

Though removing all proof of his existence from my home helped, the following week was a little harder on me. I knew Dieter was scheduled to be on a filming break. It was the few days we had planned for him to come home and spend with me, but I wasn’t sure if he was still coming back to LA or not. I wondered if he would try to reach out if he was in town or if he would even bother to come home at all. The Friday he had been scheduled to fly in, I was anxious and had a hard time focusing while I was at work. Not knowing what to expect was the most stressful thing to me.

I got my answer later that evening when I finally broke down and checked his Instagram account. He had posted pictures of himself with Anna and a couple of other people. The caption indicated they were at a club opening in New York City. In every photo he had a drink in hand and appeared to be intoxicated. I couldn’t be sure that was the case, but his eyes looked different. They seemed darker and emotionless somehow. It made me feel uneasy as I swiped through them. I did take solace in the fact that he was on the other side of the country, and I wouldn’t have to worry about running into him here. Hopefully he was planning to stay there for the entire duration of his break. I hated to see that he was back with his old group of friends though. That was just asking for trouble, particularly because he had been in such a bad headspace.

I sighed heavily as I threw my phone down, rubbing at my eyes as I leaned my head back against the couch, willing myself to stop thinking about him. I left my hands covering my eyes for a few minutes while I tried to clear my thoughts of him, completely zoning out in the process. When I removed my hands and raised my head, I was startled by Lauren. She was standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, a look of annoyance on her face.

I jumped slightly at her appearance, “Fucking hell, what are you doing? Can’t you just announce yourself? You’re gonna give me a heart attack doing that shit.”

“So, you’re feeling well enough to go to work and act like nothing is wrong, but you can’t respond to any of my texts or calls?”

“Jumping right to it then…” I chuckled, but my chest tightened nervously as I knew there was no avoiding her now. “Yes, sorry. I had to spend time cleansing my life of that asshole's existence after work. I’ve been busy.”

“That asshole? Cleansing? What the hell are you talking about?” She now had a look of confusion on her face.

“Dieter, the asshole. I packed up all his stuff. I don’t want any trace of him here. It’s all gotta go.” I said in an eerily calm way as I gave her a serious look.

“Are you ever gonna tell me what the hell happened? How are you in a drunken stupor over him one day, then completely back to normal the next?”

“You wanna know what happened?”, I snapped back at her. “He said I’m a fucking burden and inconvenience that he doesn’t have time for. We’re not compatible and it’s just not working for him anymore. There are better options out there, whatever the fuck that means…”

I gestured wildly with my hands as I spoke, my voice laced with anger. Lauren’s eyes got wider with each word. Her jaw hung open in shock.

“He really said all that?” She covered her mouth with one hand in disbelief.

“Yeah.” I raised my brows as I gave her a tight smile, then shrugged as I shook my head.

“Well, that wasn’t what I expected. I was hoping it was just a misunderstanding or something.”

“No. He ended it over the phone with those exact words.”

She sighed. “Ok, well that makes sense as to why he won’t respond to my texts.”

“Don’t try to contact him, please. It’s not worth your time.” I waved my hand dismissively at her.

She had an odd look on her face, like she was conflicted about something. It was gone as quickly as it appeared, then she was on to the next question.

“That doesn’t explain how you’re suddenly ok… going into work like nothing happened while smiling at the paparazzi like you're living your best life.”

“Oh, is that how it looks? Good”. It was the first thing in days that I actually felt good about, or at least decided that it was how I wanted to come across. “He doesn’t need to know I spent days wasted and depressed over his ass.”

“Talia, what is going on with you?” She now had a genuine look of concern.

“Lauren… I made a conscious decision to move past it. I don’t need him. I’m not gonna pine over someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s just gonna make me spiral again if I do.”

I stood to walk toward the kitchen to get something to drink out of the refrigerator. Lauren followed closely behind me, looking confused again.

She scoffed, “So what, you're choosing anger now? I’m not sure that’s the healthiest way to deal with this either.”

I whirled around to face her, almost bristling at the comment. “As opposed to causing my liver to die a slow death? I think it’s a pretty fucking good way of dealing with it. Besides, why wouldn’t I be mad? Those were some fucking hurtful things he said to me.”

Lauren nodded briefly in agreement, “Alright. Fair enough. I can’t argue with that logic.”

She sighed heavily as she leaned against the counter, taking the canned coffee beverage I offered her.

“I guess I should count my blessings. I really thought I was gonna have to come make you take a shower and force feed you after the last time I saw you.” She smiled as she opened her coffee.

I gave her a small laugh in return. She wasn’t wrong. I was a mess that day she came over.

She took a quick drink before changing the subject, “Well, I wasn’t gonna ask, but since you seem to be living your best life these days…I have that art fundraiser thing tomorrow. You wanna be my plus one? I have a painting on display.”

“Of course! I’m not gonna miss out on that.” I gave her a genuine smile this time. I knew that I had been very absent in our friendship lately, and I needed to do better. I wanted to do better.

“It’s kind of fancy. Do you have something to wear?” She grimaced slightly at her words, knowing I wouldn’t be too thrilled about it.

I sighed, “How fancy?”

“Like semi-formal.” She gave me a cheesy hopeful smile.

“I don’t think I do. I’ll go find something in the morning, just for you.”

Lauren bounced up and down, clapping in excitement. She moved to hug me around the neck.

“Thank you for going!” She said somewhat breathlessly. “It might be good for you to get out of the house and do something fun anyway,” she added as she pulled away.

Lauren left soon after that, in a considerably better mood than when she arrived. She seemed satisfied with my current state, which was probably a good thing. I really didn’t want her nagging me constantly. Above all else, I didn’t want her to spend time worrying about me. She had enough on her plate as it was.

After she left, I decided to get ready for bed a little early and watch TV until I fell asleep. Even though I outwardly appeared to be doing ok, sleep had been an issue since that call. It was restless and frequently interrupted for absolutely no reason other than I was wide awake with anxious energy. It was starting to become an issue again. Deep down, I knew it had everything to do with Dieter, but I refused to admit it to myself. I couldn’t allow myself to miss him in any type of way or else I was going to spiral again. I resorted back to taking melatonin, which seemed to be doing the trick for now. Hopefully that wouldn’t change.

I woke up around 8AM the next morning, feeling decently rested. I decided to go for a quick run before I showered. I had been slacking off on that lately and figured it might help me burn some energy off. I opted to go for a run around the neighborhood, making sure to go in the opposite direction of Dieter’s house. I didn’t want any surprises. After that, I got ready to go find a dress for the art fundraiser. I dressed in some ripped jeans and a plain black t-shirt. I threw a hat and sunglasses on for good measure, because, yes, I was that person now.

I decided to go to a local couture dress shop that Lauren and I had been successful at previously. Since it was a small boutique, I was hopeful I wouldn’t run into any issues while I was there. When I entered, one of the employees came over to assist me, introducing herself as Daniella. I gave her the details of what I was looking for, mentioning that it was for the art fundraiser that evening. As I said the words, I immediately wished I hadn’t done so. I needed to learn to keep details to myself instead of mentioning them to people I didn’t know. She left me for a few minutes as she went to pull some dresses for me. After she walked off, I took my sunglasses off and stuck them in the neckline of my shirt because I felt like a loser for wearing them inside.

While I was flipping through the racks, I noticed another employee staring at me with a perplexed look on her face. I sighed; I had a feeling she recognized me. I turned my back toward her and wandered off to another part of the shop, out of her sight, in hopes she hadn’t worked out who I was. Daniella appeared several minutes later with an arm full of dresses. The other employee trailed behind her holding several other options. She introduced herself as Emily. I gave her a polite smile as she continued to stare at me.

“I’m sorry to keep staring, but do I know you from somewhere? I feel like I’ve seen you before,” Emily said as she continued to look at me, her brows knitted together in a puzzled expression.

“I don’t think so. I’ve been here a few times. Maybe you saw me then.”

“I don’t think so, I haven’t worked here that long.”

I shrugged and gave her a tight smile, “I guess I just have one of those faces then.”

Emily gave me a nervous laugh in response. Daniella led me over to the fitting room as Emily followed. They started to tell me about the dresses they had pulled for me. They were particularly excited for me to try a sapphire blue lacy cocktail dress they insisted would look “amazing” with my skin tone.

I thanked them as I entered the dressing room and started trying things on. I could hear hushed voices outside the door as I worked my way through the dresses that I liked. I heard one of them whisper, “I think that’s her,” followed by several shushing sounds. I dropped my head and sighed heavily. It figures this would happen. I couldn’t get out of his shadow no matter how hard I tried.

I got down to the last dress, which was the blue lacy one they were raving about. It fit perfectly. It was a form fitting silky fabric with a lace overlay, showing off all my curves in a very flattering way. The lace fabric extended down several inches below the silk lining at the bottom allowing skin to show through. It had lace sleeves that set slightly off-shoulder and unlined lace around the midsection. It looked classy, yet sexy. I snapped a pic in the mirror and sent it to Lauren right quick. Then I moved to put my clothes back on. She replied just as I was finishing up.

LAUREN: That’s like a revenge dress! It’s perfect! GET IT!

I chuckled at her response. With Lauren’s approval, I was going with it. I really just wanted this shopping trip over with at this point. I was nervous how things were going to go once I walked out of the dressing room.

I put the plastic back over the dress and made my exit. Daniella, Emily, and another girl paused their conversation to turn and look at me with wide eyes. Daniella gave me an overly enthusiastic smile as she asked if I found what I needed.

“Yes, I think so. I actually love the blue one. Thank you.” I tried to give them a genuine smile as they kept staring at me.

“I think I’m ready to check out now.”

“Of course! Right… this way.” Daniella said.

“Are you that Natalia girl that’s dating Dieter Bravo?” Emily blurted out.

I gave a tight smile, “You caught me, yeah, that’s me.” I didn’t bother to correct her. It still hadn’t been confirmed that we had actually split up.

“Oh my gosh! I knew you looked familiar. Can I take a picture with you?”

“With me? No, I’m nobody to be taking pictures with,” I laughed nervously. She was about to protest when the third girl, whose name I didn’t know, poked her in the back to shut up. Daniella started the checkout process while the other two stood by awkwardly smiling at me. Emily spoke up again, “So are you going to the fundraiser with Dieter tonight?”

I tried to control the pained look on my face as I responded, “Umm no, he’s out town right now.”

“Oh, that’s a bummer, it would have been cool to see you with him in one of our dresses!”

“Yeah, sorry to disappoint.” I gave her a tight smile.

I was trying so hard to be polite even though I could feel myself slowly dying inside. After I collected my card and dress, I thanked them again as I put my sunglasses back on and made a quick exit to the car before they tried to ask me any more questions. I had to take a moment to calm myself when I got in the car. I could feel my heart racing in my chest from that interaction. This had to stop at some point, right? Maybe I should have said we split. Would that make people leave me alone or make things worse? I sighed. “This fucking sucks” I said out loud to no one as I started the car to go home.

I began getting ready for the event as soon as I got home. Afraid that if I didn’t keep myself busy, my mind would wander to thoughts of Dieter. I managed it successfully until Lauren came over. She was scrolling through her phone while she waited for me to finish up. “What the…” She groaned as she came over to show me a post shared by a fan account. One of the salesgirls at the boutique had seriously snapped a picture while I wasn’t paying attention and posted it. They included details about the dress I bought and the event I was attending. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I shouldn’t even be surprised at this point.

“Well, at least the picture is decent, and you are sort of smiling in it. They also said you were nice. That counts for something, right?” Lauren asked hesitantly, trying to brighten my mood.

“Yeah, at least they didn’t say I was a bitch. I’m sure that would have fueled more gossip.” I replied sardonically as I walked toward my closet to get dressed.

As I was pulling up the zipper on the back of the dress, I started to have flashes of memories. Dieter’s hand lightly brushing my back as he zipped me up the night we went to the club, our eyes meeting in the mirror while he adjusted the straps for me. I quickly shook my head to clear the thoughts. I had managed to keep those types of memories at bay for the most part. I didn’t want to start having them now.

I took a deep breath before reaching down to grab my shoes and walking out to see Lauren sitting on the edge of the bed, still scrolling through her phone. She looked up, her mouth hanging open slightly, “Hot damn. You look so fucking good in that.”

I laughed at her as I walked over to the dresser to grab the earrings I had set out, turning back to her as I put them on.

“Ok, I’m ready. I think.”

“I must take a picture of you. Pose please,” she said with excitement as she opened the camera on her phone.

I gave her my best model pose, my hands on my hips, with a playful smile before I burst into laughter at how ridiculous I felt while she snapped away.

“Damn, that’s actually a good picture.”

She turned her phone to show it to me. She had snapped the photo just as I was starting to laugh, so for once it looked like I had a genuine smile on my face.

“Hmm, send that to me. It might be Insta worthy.” I handed her phone back to her.

She got quiet for a minute as she started typing away on her phone, a determined look on her face.

“What are you doing?” I raised an eyebrow in her direction.

She briefly glanced up at me then went back to typing, “Nothing.”

“Lauren.” I said sternly.

She raised an eyebrow back at me, “Just making sure that jerk knows what he is missing.”

“What?!?!” I snatched her phone away just as she hit send. I turned it toward me to see what she had been doing. She had Instagram Messenger open to a conversation with her and Dieter. She sent him the picture with the message “Just wanted you to see what you’re missing out on, asshole.” Above that were several unanswered messages of her asking him what was going on and why he wouldn’t answer her. I realized there was a possibility that she had been missing him too. The three of us hanging out had become such a routine, particularly on Fridays, but it only just now occurred to me that he had bailed out on her as well.

I didn’t have too much time to consider those thoughts; as I was looking at the phone, the message status of the photo with Lauren’s comment changed to “seen” right as I looked at it. I could feel knots in my stomach, knowing that he was on the other end of the chat right now.

“Why the fuck would you do that?”

She shrugged, “Because it’s a big fuck you to him. He deserves it. You look hot and happy.”

I shook my head at her as I looked at it again. The little bubbles popped up indicating he was typing a message, then they stopped. I froze, waiting to see if he would respond. The bubbles started bouncing again, then his message came through.

My breath caught in my throat. I could feel my eyes stinging with tears.

“I’m glad to see she’s doing ok. You two have fun at the art fundraiser. Sorry I can’t be there like I planned.”

“What is it?” Lauren asked as she jumped up to walk toward me.

I handed the phone back to her, “He replied.”

I scoffed, grabbing my shoes to put them on. Wondering how he knew about the art fundraiser as I did so. I assumed he saw the dress shop post making the rounds on his fan accounts. Lauren stood there with her mouth agape. Looking from me to the message on her phone. She started typing again but I shook my head quickly.

“No. Please don’t talk to him. At least not while you're around me. I don’t wanna know anything he says.”

She gave me a sympathetic look, but then nodded at me as she put her phone away. “Alright. I hear you.”

“Let’s go. I don’t want you to be late,” I said, changing the subject.

We took an Uber over to the venue. I was surprised to find several paps outside waiting, because of course they were. They started yelling questions at me as soon as I stepped out of the car. Some of them tried flattery, telling me how nice I looked, before hitting me with questions about why Dieter wasn’t there with me. Lauren and I did our best to ignore them as we walked inside.

We made a beeline to see Lauren’s painting first. True to her style, it was bright and colorful. An open field full of different types of wildflowers framed by a setting sun. The intricate details of each flower were amazing. I, of course, showered her in praise as she turned beet red.

After that, we made our way around that exhibit, chatting with various people as we went. I was surprised when we bumped into Alex as we were walking into the next section. I couldn’t tell if he was surprised to be running into us or not. He gave me a nervous smile, seemingly not knowing how to act around me. I guessed that was normal, given the circumstances with his older brother. I tried to act like he was any other friend, smiling as I pulled him in for a quick hug and a polite hello.

“I didn’t know you would be here,” I said as we pulled away from one another.

“Yeah, I actually have a charcoal drawing on display,” he said, somewhat shyly.

“Oh yeah, what is it? I’ll have to make sure I go see it.” I gave him an encouraging smile.

“It’s the… massive elephant drawing.” He motioned with his hands to indicate its size.

“Cool, I love elephants. I bet it’s amazing.” A slight tinge of red formed on his cheeks.

Lauren stood next to me, a shy smile on her face, glancing between Alex and me.

“Lauren was telling me not long ago she wanted to learn more about charcoal drawing. You should tell her more about that.”

Their eyes darted over to each other, an odd smile playing at the edges of both of their lips. I stood there, giving them a questioning look when I heard someone call my name. It drew my attention away from my thoughts as I turned to see who it was. The tall blonde figure approached me, coming in for a quick hug.

“Max, the DJ, right?” I said with a joking tone. He laughed.

“I thought that was you. It’s so weird seeing you here. I just saw Dieter in New York yesterday.”

I grimaced slightly before answering, “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m happy you two got to catch up again so soon.”

“Yeah, he mentioned you guys aren't together anymore. I’m sorry to hear that. I really thought you were going to be different for him. He’s such a fucking idiot to mess that one up.” He gave a nervous laugh.

“Yeah, well, shit happens, I guess. So, you’re into art?” I asked, attempting to change the subject.

“Not really. I have a friend that has a painting on display. Just here for support.”

He shook his head as his eyes darted around my face. I had a feeling he was about to hit on me, and I hoped that wasn’t the case.

“So uhh, what are you doing after this? You free?” He didn’t seem anywhere near as confident as he did the first time I had met him.

I gave him a small laugh, “I think that's a loaded question.” My eyes started to dart around to look anywhere but at him. I noticed Lauren and Alex’s eyes on us. They were definitely listening.

“I’m not really looking to start anything new right now if that’s what you're asking.”

“Of course. I totally understand. Well, if you change your mind, give me a call.” He pulled a business card out of the inside pocket of his blazer and handed it to me. “It was good to see you again. You look beautiful tonight.” He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before walking off.

I had a feeling that I had a serious look of annoyance and agitation on my face as I watched him walk away. I turned my head to look over at Lauren and Alex, who were both trying not to laugh.

“What the actual fuck was that?” I asked them, to which they finally started laughing.

“I guess since you're good enough for the biggest star in Hollywood, they all want a piece of you now,” Lauren said jokingly.

“That’s not fucking funny,” I said sternly.

“I’m totally telling my brother that happened. He needs to know other men are already moving in. He fucked up.”

I turned to look at Alex directly in the eyes, a little taken aback by that statement. He wasn’t usually so blunt. Hell, he typically didn’t say much to me at all. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry. I gave him a tight smile and looked away. I was feeling some sort of emotion I couldn’t really decipher.

“Well, I don’t wanna interrupt you two and your art talk. I’m gonna go see the rest of the paintings. I’ll catch up with you later.”

I walked away, inhaling deeply as I went. Trying to steady my emotions before I lost control of them. I was being hit from all sides when it came to Dieter. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I was so ready for the day to be over.

I made my way around the next exhibit of paintings, attempting to get lost in the pieces and not think about everything that had happened that day. Halfway through that section, I came to a large painting that immediately caught my attention. There was something familiar about it that caused a lump to form in my throat.

The painting was of a man and woman silhouetted in front of a swirl of gray and dark purple night sky. Stars were scattered around the background. One star shone brighter than the rest, just over the woman’s head. A blue fog surrounded them. The man’s face was completely in the shadows, but the woman’s was just slightly visible. I looked down to read the informational sheet posted below the frame and my breath caught in my throat.

Painting Name: La estrella del norte: La luz en la oscuridad (The North Star: The Light in the Darkness)

Description: The North Star is the light in the darkness that leads lost souls home.

Submitted By: Anonymous

I could feel my heart racing as I read through the information sheet multiple times. It took me several minutes to fully process what it said. Is that what he had been saying to me this whole time? I could feel my breath going shallow as I took it in. For the first time in months, I felt like I was going to have a full blown panic attack. I put my fingers up to the bridge of my nose and squeezed, begging the tears not to come.

“Fuck.” I said a little too loudly as I inhaled deeply, still trying to catch my breath. I could feel the stares from the people standing nearby and it felt like the room was closing in on me. I needed to get out of there. I walked away as fast as I could, attempting to find some space where there weren’t any people around. When I passed by Lauren and Alex, she followed right behind me, grabbing my arm to stop me.

“Are you ok?” She asked with a look of concern on her face.

“I gotta get out of here. I can’t take anymore today.”

I pulled my arm away from her and made my way toward one of the side exits. As soon as I was outside, I leaned against the wall, sucking the fresh air in as deeply as I could. It didn’t help with the lightheaded feeling I had, nor to steady my legs that suddenly felt weak, and it took everything I had in me not to crumble to the ground in tears.

After several minutes passed, I finally managed to get my breathing under control. I pulled out my phone to get an Uber so I could go home. Several frantic text messages from Lauren were on my lock screen, asking what was wrong and where I was right now. I briefly mentioned the painting and said I was going home, then continued with my original task of getting a ride.

Luckily, I didn’t get a chatty driver and made it home without any further drama. I briefly considered having the driver stop by the liquor store but managed to talk myself out of it. Once I was back into my safe space, the anxious feeling that had been lingering seemed impossible to shake off. I felt like I needed to further purge Dieter from my life for good.

I changed into my pajamas and went downstairs to my craft room. Staring at the painting I had started for Dieter, I realized it was all wrong. The colors were too bright and there were too many cheerful details. It needed to be darker, because at this point, we were both lost. I turned on some music, reached for a couple of tubes of darker paint, and went to work.

I started by covering the colorful sunrise with the dark night sky, using shades of navy and black, adding the glowing moon and stars of all shapes and sizes throughout. Including the most important one, the North Star. Once I was satisfied with the background, I began reworking the images in the foreground. I started by darkening the curtains over the window that framed the night sky. In front of the window was the surface of a dark wood table with a vase of three white roses and a gramophone, like the one at the house in Sonoma, now sitting bathed in moonlight. I darkened the colors on those items as well, but also gave them a soft ethereal glow.

It was a simple piece, but it packed in a lot of personal meaning. The white roses seemed to be a common theme between Dieter and me. Remembering that he mentioned the topic, I had looked into the meanings of flowers a little more while I was planning this project. White roses being a symbol of new beginnings still seemed to fit the current situation. They also meant everlasting love and eternal loyalty. As badly as he had hurt me, I knew a part of me would always love him and be loyal to him. Whether I wanted it or not. I also learned that the number of flowers often had meaning too. Three roses simply meant “I love you”.

The gramophone represented one of my favorite memories of us dancing to the sounds of the old antique when we were in Sonoma. I had gathered it was also something his parents would often happily do as well. So, I knew it would have double meaning for him.

I had originally planned to use the morning sunrise for the background. It reminded me of the first time he said he loved me, and wanted us to be together, as we laid in bed during the early morning hours. However, I now felt the dark night sky was more appropriate for so many reasons. We had been laying in the grass looking at the stars when I told him that I loved him for the first time. I wanted to remind him of my love as many ways as I could. Then of course, there was the fact that he had been calling me his North Star, which was the most prominent fixture in the background aside from the moon. I wanted him to know that I now understood what those words meant. I would always be his light in the darkness, and he needed to know that. So, with a little help from google, I signed the bottom right side of the painting with Tu Estrella del Norte (Your North Star). I continued to do final touches to the painting throughout the next week. Making sure it was the way I wanted it before I finally decided it was complete. (More after the image)

For the last round of Dieter’s mini home makeover, new furniture was scheduled to be delivered at the end of that week. Despite having reconsidered this earlier, I decided I would go ahead and handle it myself as planned. He was scheduled to be back in Canada for filming this week, so I wasn’t worried about him being there. Luckily the movers were quick at their jobs and got everything placed where I wanted in record time. After they left, I added the last few finishing touches of artwork and sculptures Lauren had curated for him. The last piece to go up was my painting. It would be the focal piece of the room. The darker colors I had switched to ended up working perfectly with the new color palette.

After I was done setting up everything, I went out to my car and grabbed the boxes of his personal belongings that I had packed at my house. I left them sitting on the counter in the kitchen, along with his house key and credit card. I took a few minutes to walk around, getting one last look at the place that had so quickly become my second home. Silently saying my final goodbyes to him as I made my way toward the front door. As I locked the door and closed it behind me, I felt a sense of relief after having fully purged him from my life once and for all. It also gave me some closure knowing that I was still able to say what I needed to him, without using any words at all - even if I didn’t get to do it that night over the phone. A/N: Anyone in tears yet? The painting thing hits the feels hard. Digital art is not one of my strengths, so forgive my poor attempt at creating the painting, but it gives you an idea of what I was going for. It looks better in my head. 🤣 For next chapter... we get asshole dieter and an interesting interaction with Lauren (which @for-a-longlongtime is still laughing about). I will post a teaser early next week and the chapter will follow as soon as final edits are done. Also, a big thank you to @for-a-longlongtime for working her magic beta skills on this chapter and putting up with me. She made it hit the feels so much harder with her edits.

We are going to hit rock bottom for Dieter starting in Chapter 24 and it's going to be rough. So, consider this your warning to start preparing. I'm not paying for your therapy bills, but happy to schedule a support group meeting afterwards. 🥴🤣 As always, please share your thoughts and theories. You know I'm a sucker for them. 💜 After you check out the chapter mood board (with a picture of the dress) included below, hope on over to this Today's Musings post to learn more about what is going on in Talia's head. Next Chapter

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cowardlybean · 11 months

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Hey. The Times They Are A Changin’ by @bandtrees and @tigsbitties amiright (muffled face down on the floor)

more (some unsettling things) beneath the cut :3

(Image 3 is my favorite sequence from an animation for TTTAAAC I’ve been working on, so here it is just in case I never finish </3, image 4 is me thinking about Mob’s house. If. That makes sense.)

OH MAN. OH MAN OH MAN. this fic has altered my brain chemistry in a way that has doctors baffled and leaves tragedy in its wake!!!!!!!!! Absolutely a masterpiece I’ve reread it 3 times now and every time I notice a new detail, there’s just SO MUCH CARE put into it. I think I could write an essay about every page of this fic LMAO it honestly blows me away, huge kudos to everyone who was a part of the project!!!!

Especially the multimedia aspects, they were so much fun to find and in some cases decode (Scared the SHIT outta myself with Breathe I think it’s one of my favorites). the youtube videos were so cool as well

Realizing a third of the way in that things will never get better was such a gut wrenching experience, and by the time I realized just how deep the hole Mob dug himself into was it was absolutely too late for anything to happen (the end of act 1 was horrific in the most amazing way. So many things stuck with me: the state Reigen was left in compared to how he was, Ritsu’s “surgery”, Dimple losing his best friend, Shou’s report to the police, Minori’s conversation (if you can call it that) with Mob?? Bone. Chilling.

One of the parts that has been sitting in my gut is Reigen’s fall, where he starts to ramble through fragments of old times. I genuinely thought he was calling out to Mob until just as the same time Mob did I recognized the words and it hit me like a HAMMER. I don’t know how to put it into words but Reigen rambling on like a broken record tore me apart, and then it gets WORSE. I only realized on my second read that the intro of the fic. (Correct me if I’m wrong) IS REIGENS PERSPECTIVE OF MOB SEVERING HIS TENDONS???? Holy fuck. Holy FUCK. The vague semblance of consciousness written there is so deeply unsettling I’m absolutely OBSESSED with it. ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT EVEN IN THAT STATE HE STILL WANTS MOB TO BE HAPPY (the cheer ^^ mob bit) and idk if I’m interpreting right (this is gonna be so embarrassing if I’m not) but him recognizing the filthy jacket as well. Taking me OUT. AND. AND THE FACT REIGEN NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN AFTER THAT?????? (I could be wrong oops)

The mental states of every character in the fic are written so chillingly well. I can understand how Mob spirals, the anger and grief Tome feels, Shou's spite and anger, Teruki's conflict, Dimple's loss of his best friend, Serizawa's waning optimism, I can't name every character in this fic but they are ALL characterized so well. There's no needless conflict that make them OOC, there's a reason behind every little tragedy building upon themselves and creating a giant disaster that deeply affects the entire cast. Not to mention how its not just the loss of Reigen and Ritsu, but the loss of Mob too. If they were to have died on impact, its unsettling to think that things may have turned out better than this.

There’s a lot of things I wanna say that would basically be restating the fic (dimple losing his best friend, teru shaving, and the irony of ritsu’s powers being taken away by mob) so instead of writing 20 more paragraphs I’ll ask some questions I’ve been mulling over (ofc yall don’t have to answer if it’s revealing too much or smth)

Does Mob actually end up getting investigated or arrested? The formatting of the social media posts and texts makes them seem as if they're evidence and so does the ongoing "interview?" with Shou throughout the fic

In the party, is Reigen saying he doesn't like citrus a reference to the lemon sour :eyes:

I'm probably missing something but im curious about the metaphor around Reigen and a stray cat (hair clinging to Mob's clothes, comparing him to a stray cat finding a place to die, comparing him to a cat outside Serizawa's door)

If I'm not wrong and the "glitchy" sections at the beginning and end of the fic are Reigen and Ritsu's povs respectively, is their mind constantly like that or is it just in the specific circumstances where they have a small burst of consciousness?

last (thats a lie im definitely drawing more fanart in the future) but not least, some notes from when I was re-reading

#sorry for hiding literally everything below the cut i dont wanna jumpscare people #BUT ANWAY.#holy fuck. a masterpiece.#literally tried drawing vase scene (as ive dubbed it for convenience lmao) 3 times its SO HARD to get right #i doubt i was able to truly do this fic justice its so amazing #mp100 #tw blood #tw body horror #(not really but the animation is close enough)#TTTAAAC #mob psycho 100 #shigeo kageyama #ritsu kageyama #reigen arataka #teruki hanazawa #dimple mp100 #so many thoughts about this fic #sorry for my damn essay oh my god #< biggest TTTAAAC fan

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hectorthedoggo · 3 months

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thing I found in my drafts read at your own discretion

hey so yk the doomed toxic p000506 family. What if. What if. Mahiru got t3 kotoko in on it. Shidou gets t2 amane in on it. Amane geta fuuta in on it. Elaboration:

It's like a web. So, at first, it would be mhr, shd, in t2. Then, I think mhr would kinda start by adopting es (w/o permission ofc) and shidou would try to take care of amane (they both think they can fix the children. Um. No.) then, I think that mhr would start interacting with shd/amane and start collabbing with their "teehee idealized family ^^" (w/o listening to the kids ofc). Then, maybe es is trying to escape the two, either one, and run into Amane's cell. They would bond a little with her, and she would start to bond with them. Es would be a little more talkative, less warden mentality, due to their high emotional state.

Both kids would realize how lonely they truly are, and only one of them would confront that fact (amane). She would realize that es is just like her (if she hasn't already). She admires their faith towards milgram, but thinks it's misguided. She should guide them out of it!

(+1 constantly pestering 'family member' (she doesn't like shidou and Mahiru's on thin ice, so es goes in her room when they want to be left alone. They don't want to go in other prisoner's rooms, because they don't want to stoop to that. Amane understands, and she won't turn them in. But, she can be pestering. Maybe a little physically affectionate later, but that would be awkward. She only tries to recruit them to the cult so she can be friends with them, officially. Because, she's not supposed to make friends out of the cult. As get belief is affirmed, recruiting attempts up.)

So, it's already bad for es. But dw, IT GETS WORSE :D. So, T3, super hell. It will be hell in the way that there's too much warmth!!!

Alr, so taking the fuuta indoctrination theory, he would join their little cell hangouts. Amane would tell him the whole sitch. Then, maybe es confesses some level of suicidal thoughts to amane. She tells fuuta, cause she's scared. Cue: his unresolved guilt around killcheroy. So, he starts hanging around them a LOT. Tells the doctor to f off. They are Lowkey exhausted, and they would give a little tired laugh. Maybe, fuuta starts to grow an attachment to the kid. (+1 family member)

T3, kotoko would be absolutely destroyed by the guilty verdict. Hey, so yk what mahiru obsesses over... Broken people... Hm...

So, she would start (maybe a little non-platonically happy pride month) fretting over kotoko and soon enough, with giving her all the affection that she's not had over the years, she joins the family!!! Kotoko would start to understand Es. She would maybe start seeing es like lucky, like "oh they were misguided in their judgment... I suppose I will forgive them... (+1 overbearing parent trying to guide them help this kid)

Each of the prisoners are also interested in each other, in different ways, but I mostly fixate on es, so ; ;

Not to mention. Um. Haruka and mu. HAHA GLU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER FOENFOWBD YOU GUYS ARE SO SILLY.

so. This au (called BHF (big happy family)) has different verdicts (mhr t1 inno, maybe more but idk)

yeah considering giving mu guilty and she rei-ifies es

#milgram

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ed-recoverry · 3 months

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I came across two tiktoks where girls, one was 13 and under and the other 15 or under, could ask questions and girls 14 or older/16 or older could answer. I noticed a lot of repeated questions, so I wanted to make my own answers to any younger tumblrinas

Some of the questions reference periods and boobies, so wanted to add that ofc it’s not just girls that have those, but just in the context of the tiktok :)

Is middle school / high school bad?

Everyone has a different experience. Some easier, some harder, some mixed. One this guaranteed though is that it will end.

Should I change myself for a boy/girl/friend?

Never! Be yourself and the right friend/partner will find you.

Why do I feel alone?

I promise you aren’t, even though it feels so. I know there’s not much I can say to convince you, but please consider that I guarantee, without a doubt, you won’t always feel this alone.

How do I make myself pretty?

Stay healthy, get enough nutrition, move around, and the beauty will follow. I know you don’t believe me, but your body is going to change so much between now and adulthood. Giving yourself the proper care is how to make sure you blossom into a beautiful person. Beauty isn’t skin, or weight, deep. I know that especially is hard to believe and I know I can’t convince you, but I hope you believe me when I say one day you will agree.

Why do I feel like everyone hates me?

I promise not everyone does. It’s possible some of the people surrounding you aren’t best for your self esteem and you should consider who lifts you up and who brings you down.

Why does everyone leave me?

It’s not the people who leave that you have to focus on, but the people who stay. Work on surrounding yourself with those sticking with you. Those leaving weren’t meant to be there. Also consider if you play a role in driving people away. If you can maybe help, or maybe if it just isn’t meant to be.

I feel like no one loves me.

You are loved.

I’m scared to get my first period.

There’s nothing to be scared of. Dreading the annoyance, maybe. But it’s a normal bodily function billions of people have/had.

I miss him/her/them / I can’t get over him/her/them.

It’s beyond normal to be upset over a breakup. Spend time grieving and crying it out, but don’t let it break you. You will find someone else. Life is so long. Not to mention there’s so much more to life than relationships.

Is it okay to starve myself / cut myself / burn myself?

No. Please seek help ASAP.

I feel like I’m not enough.

You are.

Will I ever be happy again?

Yes. I can’t promise soon, but I can promise it will.

Advice for period cramps?

Painkillers on standby. I prefer Midol, but any generic aspirin or whatever will work. Heating pads on your stomach or back. Baths and warm drinks. Look up yoga poses and foods to help and avoid.

Is it okay to be single?

As previously stated, life is painfully long. Plus there is so much more to life than relationships. Yes, it’s okay to be single. But don’t let that make you feel like less than or that you’re missing out. Life is long. You have time.

Is it okay to have hip dips?

That’s literally a symptom of having a bone structure. Especially if you’re AFAB, those are your hips. It doesn’t mean anything good or bad.

Is it okay to be confused about your sexuality / gender?

Yes! There’s no rush! Explore what you like. There’s no limit on self discovery.

Does it get better?

Eventually. I can’t promise soon, but I can promise eventually.

I just feel like things keep getting worse mentally.

Personally, I got worse before I got better. It’s normal, and sometimes necessary. Hang in there. I promise one day it will be okay.

Is it possible for heterosexual girls and heterosexual guys to be friends?

Absolutely.

Will I ever find love?

Yes, if that’s what you want. But, once again, please no that’s not the only thing that matters.

My emotions feel overwhelming / uncontrollable?

This is a situation that could be normal or abnormal, and it’s a bit hard to tell (sorry). Teenage hormones suck, bouncing back and forth, sometimes not waiting for your head to catch up with your heart. But if it’s to the point where you can’t take it or it’s consistently interfering with your productivity, that may be a point where you want to seek help.

Do things get better after middle / high school?

Usually, yes. A lot of what used to be so important, people couldn’t care less about. More deep seated issues may need more intense addressing, but all of those tiny things you constantly picked at yourself for likely will disappear.

Is middle / high school fun?

Yes, but you have to figure out what is fun for you. For me, partying wasn’t fun, small hangouts with my friends were fun.

What if he/she/they don’t like me back?

Then it wasn’t meant to be. Take time to be upset about it, but don’t let it define you.

Is it okay to hold in / ignore your emotions?

Depends. It is appropriate for a short period of time in which emotions may get in the way of a task. But it shouldn’t be something you always do.

Why do I feel unloved even when I know I am loved?

Cause you’re insecure and don’t see how much value you have in this world. Strive for the day in which you realize this.

Why do I feel alone when friends are all around me?

^^^

Would short / long hair look good on me?

Who cares? It’s hair. It will grow back.

Why don’t I have boobs?

Your body doesn’t really stop moving around until you’re 20-ish. You have time. That said, boobies don’t equal worth. That all said, you are worth way more than boobies.

Sex?

Only when you are 110% sure and ready. Please educate yourself as much as possible about it, preferably with a trusted adult. If one of you has a penis and the other a vagina, ALWAYS USE CONDOMS. No means no. The absence of a yes means no. “I’m not sure” means no. “I’m not in the mood” or “I don’t feel like it” means no. “I’m not comfortable with ___,” means don’t do that. Pee after sex if you were penetrated. Check in with your partner. Clean any sex toys. USE A CONDOM! CONSENT IS MANDATORY!

I want to kill myself.