#and that i live in a shitty area where everyone's opinions on everything sucked

[korattata]

sometimes i randomly think about.

okay so, my history teacher in my final? year of school was mostly cool. except. he was one of those guys that used real life current politics as a teaching tool.

like our final project was "pick something that's debated on being legal and argue for/against it" and. well. i hope he started to re-think that idea a bit after i made someone cry in class.

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

why is it so much worse knowing how many people out there want me (& everyone in this body) dead cause we don't feel empathy than knowing about the ones who want the same cause we're trans

[bittertarot]

you are so cool and non judgemental to chat with, so thanks very much once again! yeah I think the whole hysteria abojt idols fs in away its intruiging from a non obsessive point of view but for those who do obsess about idols fs are going to be in for a shock whenber idols are revealed to be dating and shock horror, its not themselves.

honestly I regret not really going for it and learning a genuine skill that I could then use later on but sometimes its just matter of having opportunities or being in the right situations to actually gain those skills, for example you could go to a really shitty school and learn something amazing or you can go to a better school but have shitty classmates or teachers that are of no real use to you or courses that arent available and so on and so forth, whilst idols have to go through a lot I do think what they get to do is super cool cause when they pass on they have a legacy to be proud of. Sadly I think it just comes down to them being in the right areas or theyre from the right families who can invest so much into idols gaining their skills and talents. I have yet to really see someone from my country denut in kpop group sooooo it kind of says a lot of where kpop is heading and that they were going to smerica come what may. its just sometimes our situations are very limiting and we cant always win at everything in life either or say you might want to do something but realistically you know its slim to none chances and i think at some point it has an age limit of when you can succeed at it. So even if i wanted to do what i originslly wanted it would take many more years just to get to a good skill and even then you might not be the best at it

I also think sometimes social media makes things neither great nor bad cause people can upload their skills and really empahsis on what they want nowadahs whereas when I was a kid we were doing fuck all with our free time yaknow? kids nowadays shouldnt waste their younger years is what im saying. sometimes i think that i dont fit in with my generation cause of how screen obsessed we all have become and then i dont fit in with newer generations cause they have so many more ways of making success for themselves, im just like what can i offer? honestly not much.

thats also why i lowkey wouldnt mind passing on early just to get out of this screen world that we are in and yet older generations were never bothered with taking selfies then they wouldnt habe been able to get social validation via online, so they were probs happier and things were at least affordable back then. i kinda envy the older generations in that respect, we only got to experience a small handful of years without the pressures of social media and ever since idfk 00s or earlier it kinda went to shit really.

everyone was expected to be online and idk how i really feel about it anymore im sort of over it and modern society generally sucks. so many idols get backlash for no good reason, youtubers who dont do anything wrong get gossiped about and snark pages are endless so even if someone wants to do something amazing with their lives they cant avoid scrutiny of any sorts. its just got way out of hand and its past the point of saying well just dont use it then cause we technically need these devices constantly so ergo its not hard to not be delulu about celebs and the likes either cause its literally everywhere.

Sorry for the late response, been caught up in some important stuff recently (it's not bad stuff LMAO)!! Anyways, thank you so much! I try my best to remain open-minded of any/all perspectives before forming an opinion of my own and even so, I'm very open to hearing others opinions on these matters. Debating issues is something I genuinely enjoy, as long as it is a polite and healthy debate ofc. It is quite interesting, I'd say it has something to do with the "loneliness epidemic" (as I like to call it) of these times. We're in a time where technology is increasing rapidly and human interaction isn't as common, we're more attached to our screens than actual people and that becomes an issue when it places you out of touch with reality! The obsessions over being an FS and whatnot is genuinely awful, like fans hating on idols and their relationships have led to some couples even splitting; look at Lee Jae Wook and Karina from Aespa as our most recent example. It's never too late to try, really. You can learn any skill no matter your age as long as you can put enough effort in, remain disciplined and dedicate time to it! I think your point there is quite valid, but since technology has advanced so rapidly, you can realistically learn most skills online now by a few quick google searches, taking notes, learning and applying them practically. I think it is quite cool how idols have a legacy that'll be remembered for a while. It's something I'd want to achieve before passing on, as even though making an impact, being remembered, etc isn't a neccessity it does in a way lessen the anxiety about passing on? It makes you feel like there is a chance that people will still mention you, bring you up, that what you did could be studied or researched by other people, that your story could motivate others into getting their shit together, etc. A lot of idols aren't in the right areas or families, though. I'll use BTS as an example here; some members had extremely poor families and were from a run-down agency that could never compete with the big 3. Look at where they are now? They single-handedly built up their label, going from Bighit to HYBE. Practice makes perfect, the more you practice, the more work you put in, the better you will get at that skill! Obviously, blind optimism isn't helpful but if you take the realistic steps in place to where you want to be in the next few years now; it will happen and you will succeed. I completely agree that we, as a society, have all become too screen obsessed and I'm also guilty of this, but it is an issue. It's caused a lot of parents to just let the screen teach their kids, too. I'm sure you have a lot to offer to the world, even if you might not think so. You can do it, though! I believe in you and I'm proud of what you have done so far :] !! I had a discussion with a friend about a similar topic to this, but a lot of trends now are fueled by "nostalgia" where things looked happier and less daunting to live in. I think after 2015 is when things started to spiral, but that's my personal take. You're more than free to disagree with anything I've said!! I don't think you should force yourself to be online, stick to the trends, etc. Do what makes you happy and you'll see yourself shine brilliantly! And yeah, a lot of delusional ideals are fueled by big companies nowadays, too, since fans will obviously put more money into those celebs if they feel like they might get "noticed" - which could also be why concert tickets are getting higher and higher even for newly debuted groups. That's my take on all this, though, feel free to respond and add on, agree, disagree, etc! <33

[fadingcomputerwitch]

I posted 1,386 times in 2022

That's 1,380 more posts than 2021!

4 posts created (0%)

1,382 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ambykinns

@patient-amour

@fullmetalfisting

@supernaturaldaily

@nightshadeis

I tagged 1,384 of my posts in 2022

#funny - 302 posts

#supernatural - 193 posts

#cute - 133 posts

#dean winchester - 94 posts

#adorable - 65 posts

#disney - 61 posts

#cat - 57 posts

#kitty - 56 posts

#sam winchester - 53 posts

#bones - 48 posts

Longest Tag: 94 characters

#after covid and after big family decided not to gather because papa was gone there are 9 of us

My Top Posts in 2022:

#4

Realities of a big girl

Personal Rant Incoming:

We like to pretend that as a society we are getting better at accepting people for who they are. Maybe we are. But where I sit and from what I see that isn’t the case. One of my friends has a father who dislikes me (long story short I called him out on some shitty behavior and he did fix those behaviors afterward but has talked trash about me ever since. Although he blames it on how I acted at a fancy restaurant even though I have no prior knowledge, still, on how to act at a fancy restaurant) and right now my friend lives with her dad again. Well on a series of weird events I found myself in the area and my friend had some things for my offspring, so I stopped by. He said no words to me when I was there and since he was on the phone I said no things to him. After I left he apparently told my friend “That is a big girl” which she told him off and that she sees me as only me and that is how he should see me...I tried to not let it bother me because I know he just wants to talk trash

BUT this isn’t like a single occurrence. This happens all the time. Let alone the fact that I hardly eat to begin with. And I have so many other instances running around in my head. Being accused of eating all the food on a trip I took with another friend, being eyed and told nothing in a store would fit me, and just generally being shamed for my body.

All of this while still adjusting to the fact I have PCOS and my journey to have another offspring is going to be more complicated and my WEIGHT might not even be something that I can totally control. But I gaslight myself into thinking that everything is in my head: I’m fat because I am lazy. I don’t need to eat I have plenty of fat. My spouse will eventually leave me a skinnier person, especially as they lose weight. And I want all these thoughts to stop because I know they don’t belong but....I have a million instances where they prove to be true.

Anyway, my friend also said something that night as I ate my first real meal of the day, and it stuck with me. “You deserve to eat” just something that simple. I hear it from others, my spouse and such but at least it adds another voice of reason to combat the bad.

I’m trying to be a better human for my offspring. That includes teaching her fat isn’t a bad word and to love yourself no matter what. I still struggle everyday with the voices and what I was taught, I only hope that I am laying a foundation for my baby to be able to walk the world with their head held high in a way that I have not been able to do yet. I hope that I can make that shine brighter than it ever did for me. And hopefully someday, a little at a time, I will see myself in a better light too.

0 notes - Posted September 9, 2022

#3

You are awesome and sweet and caring towards everyone. You be the best. That be my opinion

I have no idea who this is from or how long it has been sitting in my inbox, but thank you. I kind of needed this today.

0 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

#2

ugh

I told a person I was on Metformin because I have PCOS and it is a recent diagnosis, which sucks since I want more kids. The person replied with ‘Metformin is bad for you’ and why...why would you say that. So I replied with “Yeah and all my bipolar meds are supposedly bad too.” And she was quick to reply with “Yeah super bad.”  My response was simply “Not worse than unaliving myself” and I think perhaps I took it too far. But seriously I am sick of this same argument.

1 note - Posted August 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Infertility

I never thought I would be here. My daughter happened so easily without aid. Now I am here with a diagnosis of PCOS and two little bottles to help me make another. This time it won’t be a happy accident. This time will be painstakingly calculated with medicine and a schedule. This time the baby will be made out of timing and plans. Will the passion still be there? Why does this feel like such a big failure? Do I have a right to complain? Some people long for one child and I selfishly want more. Why does this hurt my feelings so much? What if even this fails? What if I do it wrong? What if this is because I don’t deserve more? Am I a good enough mom? Am I good enough? These are all the things I think and feel as I look at those two little bottles.... I will push on regardless and hope that this works. Adjusting to new things are hard. Hopefully I will be with child soon. Waiting is always the hardest thing. 

4 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[bratz-kitten]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS PT. 7

gemini and pisces placements are similar in the sense that geminis are able to see things from all perspectives, while pisces are able to empathise with people who have all sorts of different perspectives. pisces placements... be careful with over-empathising with the people who hurt you to the point where you’re understanding why they did it and you start excusing their actions. gemini placements... be careful with seeking the multi-layers and million different perspectives in everything and everyone to the point where you’re driving your own mind insane and you don’t know what your opinion is anymore because you hyper-analyse so much. too much of a good ability becomes a curse.

people with venus-mars aspects have a talent for making people who hate them fall in love with them 💋

moon in the 11th house natives tend to attract friends who get into scandals. moon in the 10th house natives tend to be the ones who get into said scandals. it’s a PERFECT FRIENDSHIP

capricorn placements have a talent for knowing how to make things last. they want to prolong the enjoyment they get out of something for as long as possible, which is why their hobbies, friendships and relationships tend to last a lifetime... hedonistic sluts

since both the 7th house and the 11th house rule fandoms, celebrities with a 7th house or 11th house neptune can attract fans who view them as angels who can’t do nothing wrong — because of this, those celebrities rarely take accountability for their mistakes, since people keep pushing the “but they’re perfect :(“ light on them

pluto conjunct ascendant natives always come off as very serious during first impressions, no matter how approachable and inviting they strive to appear.

sun and moon in the 10th house people may feel as if they’re always exposed to the public eye, they can’t get away with keeping things secretive. others always notice whatever they want kept on the low. this can be especially frustrating if they notice that others aren’t exposed to the same kind of scrutiny that they are for simply existing

lilith in pisces bitches have a natural talent for appearing like angels even in situations where they are 100% guilty. it’s very easy for them to put on their vulnerable, lost puppy act lmfao, which triggers others’ protective instincts. they may be able to cry on cue when people call them out on their bullshit, making them feel like THEY’re the shitty ones for confronting the lilith native... it’s insane

lilith in the 12th house natives may feel as though the themes of lilith are trapped in their psyche, at the core of who they are and those themes become unavoidable for them — they’re always there, lurking in the shadows, becoming the center of their nightmares

people with mercury in the 1st house can feel veryyy threatened and defensive when someone possesses knowledge in an area that they don’t, it’s like it hits them right on their biggest fears. they often either try to “one-up” the other person in an attempt to heal their broken ego or shut down altogether in insecurity. it’s imperative that they work on developing a strong sense of self-worth because they can be extremely prone to comparing their mental skills to those of other people.

people with personal planets in the 12th house may feel as though a lot of their artistic drive is stifled by their lack of energy. like... in the mental realm there’s a lot going on and it’s incredible, but then you pick up a pen to actualize your visions and you feel exhaustion immediately overtaking you. it can feel like there’s a lot to your psyche that feels inaccessible to you not because you don’t want to explore it, but because you have yet to restore the energy to dive deep into it. this can be especially noticeable if there’s absolutely no 5th house energy in the chart

people with jupiter in an earth sign love being surrounded by greeneries in their home; they may take a lot of enjoyment out of taking care of plants, gardening, cooking and stuff of the sort. it makes them feel more grounded, independent, and even healed. they also LOVE scents that connect them to nature like the scent of grass and the ocean.

air mercuries can be very beware of strangers, they can feel offended when their friends make them socialize with someone they don’t know and it can take a hot while before they trust the person enough to lower their defences a bit. they need to know it’s safe before expressing their usual sexy eccentric selves in front of someone new. on the other hand, aries placements can also hate being introduced to new people through their friends but it’s mostly because they’re very territorial over them, and can’t stand the thought that this new person can hurt their friendship in any possible way

meanwhile, it’s probably an earth or leo/sagittarius mercury introducing new friends to the group. they’re so fucking good with people and it shows in how they make people feel welcomed so easily, it’s like they “take” the person in and adopt them into the group. they can’t stand seeing someone being treated like an outcast because they know how it sucks to feel rejected, so they’ll try their best to make you feel included

while on the subject of people who hate seeing others be treated like an outcast because they know how it feels like to be rejected: SCORPIO RISINGS. bro. people underestimate how chill they can actually be. if they see you being left out, they’ll approach you with no fucks given and do anything in their power to make you feel comfortable. they do so well in group settings.

and while on the subject of scorpio risings... i have a scorpio rising friend and he goes thru it on the daily. he often complains that people are always suspicious of him and that they seem repulsed by him, strangers on the street will stay tf away from him. and it’s so heartbreaking because his personality is so friendly and welcoming and it doesn’t at all match his intimidating appearance. scorpio risings have this energy that not many people can handle, others feel either really drawn to them or downright scared of them because of the “danger” element they seem to carry in them

i know two people who are both scorpio suns and libra moons and they look the exact same, even though they have different risings. brown, deep-set eyes, coarse dark hair, naturally tanner skin tone — and they have the same style as well, using lots of band t-shirts and dark clothing. scorpio energy is always so noticeable wherever it is i swear, it’s like it takes over the rest of the chart

gemini moons are what yall claim gemini venuses to be. like, seriously... have you ever met someone with a gemini venus? they don’t need constant stimulation or else they’ll get bored and cheat. not in the slightest; actually, they’re often incredibly loyal and crave longterm, committed relationships. if anything, they need stimulation outside of their relationship in the form of a good, exciting career and hobbies so that they don’t get too addicted to their partner and to constantly analysing every aspect of their relationship. gemini moons however, tend to have multiple partners throughout life and they often feat deep commitment. they can be huge players imo, IT’S THEM YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT!

sagittarius placements are so... tactile? like, they love to touch things. when they go to stores and stuff, they’ll start holding everything that catches their attention— it’s like they can only decide if they want to buy something after thouroughly exploring how it feels, the texture and the energy that the object gives them through touch. and they talk so much with their hands. it makes me so anxious like bitch you aren’t selena gomez, i promise you that you CAN keep your hands to yourself

taurus placements are so weird to me, i can’t understand them. it’s like they’re afraid of exploring their own depths, which in turn makes me unable to explore them. okay, how do i put this... it’s like they have this preset idea of who they are and after deciding so, they’re unwilling to let go of it. “i’m the stable friend who’s here for everyone even when i can barely take care of my own self” and then that’s who they are: the people who are a steady rock in the lives of others, taking care of everyone. and then they refuse to change even after getting hurt. and then, it’s like... well, you can’t just be that. you are a human who contains multitudes, but i don’t think you give yourself enough credit on how layered you are. that fear of changeability, that need to be the one stable thing in a world full of unpredictability will only damage you in the end, because you won’t get to fully experience life’s greatest pleasure: knowing yourself. becoming your own best friend, exploring every layer that there is to your being. i think you deny yourself of that experience because you fear that, with self-learning comes self-growth which leads to transformation. and you fear transformation because you don’t want to change for the worst. but like... transformation is necessary and with that comes adaptability + flexibility, which are things you could greatly benefit from.

scorpio venuses can be so pessimistic— and when they’re in a dark mindset, it’s so difficult to pull them out of it. it’s so difficult to get them to see the good in difficult situations, and to help them believe that it gets better. but even if you don’t believe me, i’ll keep telling you; it does get better. you’ll get through this.

jupiter in the 4th house is an indicator of food having been an amazing part of your childhood; there might’ve been a lot of feasts and you could’ve had a parent who loved to cook. being well fed might be a huge concern for you now; you might get sick easily when you’re eating fast food and non-traditional plates.

mercury square uranus is an extremely difficult aspect to have because, in your earlier years, you might’ve felt dumb or like there was something wrong with your intelligence because you might’ve found school difficult due to it’s structured nature that didn’t fit with the way you like to learn things— you need to learn in an interactive way that piques your interest. your anxiety and any traumatic experienced that you faced could’ve heavily impacted your school performance. you might’ve had an ease with learning but then, when it came to doing the written tests, you couldn’t perform to the best of your abilities. either way, school might’ve been a source of a lot of stress and difficulty.

mercury square pluto can have some weird manifestation where, like... you suspect things but you always suspect the wrong things. i’ve met a few people with this aspect and all of them were extremely suspicious of the most random things who were literally normal and innocent. this aspect can cause a lot of chaos to one’s interpersonal relationships because you might find yourself suspecting your loved ones in the weirdest circumstances due to your trust issues, which in return causes them to lose trust in you + the want to confide in you because you keep questioning everything they’re up to WHEN THEY’RE NOT UP TO ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. probably the most frustrating thing that can happen with this aspect is when you always suspect what you shouldn’t, but then, when sketchy things are actually happening that should be questioned, you don’t bat an eye to it. omfg it drives me insane

moon conjunct the ascendant can make someone have a very delicate appearance that gives others the impression that they need to handle you like fine china or else you might break. my mother has this at a very tight orb and whenever i bring people over, their first impression of her is always “she looks so frail”. the native might be extremely sensitive to every minor inconvenience which brings a lot of frustration to them, a feeling that they can’t control their reactions and inner turmoil. it can also suck when you don’t want to be depicted as the victim but then that’s the way everyone perceives you. the native might have very expressive and shiny eyes, and they can cry easily. it’s very difficult for them to hide their emotions.

your jupiter sign can signify where you feel an overflow of energy. jupiter in cancer may feel like you have an overflow of nurturing and protective energy towards your loved ones, with a lot of intuition and need for introspection. jupiter in leo can make you feel like you a talent for self-expression and dealing with others, being overly dramatic and prideful at times, and with a huge drive to have fun. jupiter in virgo can feel an overflow of perceptive qualities, with a huge amount of self-awareness and also awareness of your surroundings, ability to constantly analyse and a constant strive for perfection (which btw is impossible since perfection is unattainable and you’re a human being who makes mistakes and that’s completely fine. stop finding flaws where there aren’t none).

[qlossytbh]

Could I pls request a jj x reader fic?

So my vision is that JJ and the reader have been that clique, typical best friends but more and jj ends up having a thing with this other girl and starts treats the reader like shit. They have a full argument and then he says something to the reader that breaks their heart but he regrets it, knowing he could lose them and he can’t have that.

Sorry that did not make sense at all but I hope you caught my drift :)

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞 - 𝐣𝐣𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 jj and you have always been best friends, right up until jj starts hanging out with another girl and things start to stir between the two of you

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 cursing (lots of it), a bit graphic, blood mentions, physical fighting, angsty

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 5.5k

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 I AM BACK! life was kicking me in the booty and i've finally found the motivation to start writing! there are probably a ton of typos and i got lazy towards the end bc i’ve been writing this since ide remember when oof.

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

You gaped at Pope in shock, placing a hand over your chest. "You did not."

"Y/n, pineapple does not belong on pizza!" He stressed as you glared at him.

"Yes it does," She pointed a finger at him, chewing on your sandwich. "You've either tried shitty pizza or you just suck as a person,"

"You are a menace to society," Pope sighed. You rolled your eyes and swallowed.

You felt the sun lightly burn the top of your shoulders as you sat between JJ and Kiara on a towel that laid out on the sand, hair still wet and pushed back from the salty water. You and the pogues decided to go over and hit a few waves before noon, and now you were having lunch on the beach, discussing the most groundbreaking unpopular opinions.

"I am not," You groaned, shoving a baby carrot into your mouth.

"Y/n, you are one of the only people here to admit to liking pineapple on pizza." John B said, chewing on his food.

"That is also false," You said, mouth full. You turned to JJ with a proud smile and bumped his shoulder. "JJ agrees with me,"

"You guys all sound like kooks," JJ shot, mouth full of food. "That's not cool,"

Everyone groaned in annoyance as you and JJ giggled with each other.

It had always been like that. You and JJ against the world. You had been best friends since you could speak and it's never been different. You two were always together, getting into some kind of trouble. Started in preschool when you both misplaced items from the play area so no one else could find it and still goes on in high school where you two either make the teacher's lives a living hell or skip classes very frequently.

You two had the same sense of humor. You made jokes about things very often and couldn't take most things seriously. You only really showed that serious side of yourself to JJ as he did with you. You two were comfortable with each other, very touchy. You two were like brothers and sisters

Except without the sibling end of it given how you were basically in love with him since fifth grade.

You don't know how it happened, at first, it was a stupid boy crush every preteen had on some boy, but already surging into 9th grade you realized those feelings never went away. In fact, being older and more mature made you realize how deep those feelings for him actually were and how they weren't going away any time soon.

Everyone knew. And you knew they knew, but it didn't bother you because JJ remained completely oblivious. Not that it was his fault, he did-

"Shit," JJ cursed, taking out his vibrating phone from his pocket and face dropping. You raised a brow at him as the group directed their attention to him.

"Everything ok?" You asked.

"Yeah it's just Sophie give me a sec," He raised his phone to his ears as you looked away, chewing on your food to distract yourself from the jealousy that infected you. "Hey, babe,"

JJ's face scrunched, "What? No- I didn't think you'd want- Ok and I get that but-"

You looked at John B and lifted your eyebrow while tilting your head to the side, signaling how you knew JJ was in for it. Kiara and Sarah looked at each other and then at you, but you nodded their way, signaling you were fine.

"Ok- Yes Im sorry-" He rubbed his temple. "I didn't mean that sarcastically I- Fine, just- just give me a few minutes."

And with that he hung up, sighing deeply. No one wanted to break the awkward silence that had shifted amongst the group, so you took the job.

"That sounded," You strained your lip. "Intense..?"

"Sophies pissed because I didn't show up at her kook event last night," He put his foot down. "And now she wants me to go over to her house to properly apologize,"

Sophie Kremford, yet another kook princess who had somehow managed to get her hands on the one and only JJ Maybank. You never knew how that happened, JJ wasn't one to randomly get in a relationship, let alone with a kook of all people.

She was very well put together, spoilt, aggravatingly annoying but what else could you do other than be a good friend to JJ. That's all you could do. The relationship was very recent, but it hurt you every time, seeing them together.

"You're leaving?" You ask, face falling as you watched him get up.

"Yeah," He smiled sadly reaching a hand out for you to give you a small squeeze goodbye. "I don't want to piss her off even more."

JJ said his goodbyes to the rest and you watched him walk off the beach. You turned and saw everyone's eyes on you. You stared at them, confused.

"What?" You asked innocently.

"I don't know how you do it," Sarah said.

"Do what?" You furrowed your brows, letting out a little laugh as you began to collect the garbage left from your food.

"You play your feelings off well you know," Pope interrupted. "But it doesn't work on us."

You stopped for a split second and scoffed, trying to shake away the butterfly's filling your stomach.

"I'm still lost," You said, not fully understanding what they were trying to get at.

"How are you so ok with the fact that JJs with that kook?" John B spoke up.

"Im his best friend and I hate her more than I've ever hated anyone." Kiara groaned.

"It doesn't affect me because I'm his best friend, and I support his relationships," You explained, shrugging while putting all the wrappers into a small disposable bag.

"Bullshit." John B shot. You looked up at him and sighed.

"You two can't possibly be just best friends," Pope said. "That would be worse than you saying you like pineapple on pizza."

You deadpanned at Pope, rolling your eyes soon after. "Were just friends. Nothing else. Promise."

Although you wanted to believe your words, you couldn't. Because something about the connection you and JJ had was too deep to be friendly. The eye contact you two sought comfort in was too intense. The sometimes obvious, sometimes not, physical contact between you too was too present.

But no matter how much you feel the need to confront the topic, he was dating Sophie. And you couldn't do anything about that as his best friend.

Kiara hummed to herself. "Sure you are."

You tried hiding the red that painted your cheeks, maybe being able to blame the sun. You tried ignoring the butterflies that filled your stomach. JJ was your best friend.

And as much as you didn't approve of Sophie, you had to for the sake of your relationship.

"Hear me out," You said trying to diverge the topic of conversion. "Plane food is good."

Pope audibly gasped. "Out."

You leaned against the wall, heart beating fast. You swallowed roughly as your breath staggered feeling him get closer to you. You counted to 3, squinting your eyes shut.

When you got to one you swiftly turned the corner and launched the water balloon at John B, hitting him square in the chest as he let out a groan in pain.

"Ha!" You victoriously cheered as he wiped the mud off the corner of his eye. Something you and JJ introduced to the group was water balloon fights except instead of water, the small latex balloons were filled with mud

You two said it was very 'therapeutic' and it helped 'relieve stress'.The others said it was stupid until they tried it and it became a fun thing you all liked to do with each other.

Your face dropped as John B crouched down, smirk etched onto his face as he scooped a handful of mud and began walking towards you.

"John B, that is against the rules-" You accused as you quickly turned your back, screaming as you ran towards the entrance of the Chateau.

John B managed to catch up to you and when he did, he wrapped his free arm around you tightly and slapped the mud onto the side of your face.

You screamed as you squirmed around desperately in the grip of his arms. Once he felt satisfied with his work, he pushed away chuckling to himself.

"That was totally unfair-" You felt a harsh slap onto your back, causing your face to twist in pain as you turned around and saw Sarah giggling widely, covered in mud as well.

"I think that one had a pebble-" You groaned, trying to reach for the spot on your back but failing.

Another ballon came your way but you managed to dodge it.

"This isn't everyone against me you shitheads," You said looking over at Pope who glared at you.

"You just wasted my last balloon,"

"Not my fault your aim sucks," You stuck your tongue out as Pope rolled his eyes.

You sighed deeply, feeling much more relieved than you had when you came over. You were having a bad day and the Pogues came through. You looked at Kiara whose face fell as she glared at something behind you.

"Incoming..." She scoffed before looking away. You turned around and saw JJ and Sophie walking towards you.

"Hey guys," JJ shouted. You smiled.

"Took you long enough," You said. "We were gonna wait for you but everyone started attacking me so I had to take cover.."

"We're still mad about the plane food statement," Pope shot, causing you to roll your eyes.

You looked at Sophie who glared your way. You shifted on your heels looking over at John B.

"Can't believe I missed our thing," He whined playfully as he walked over to you.

"You've got one last chance to get dirty," You said holding your arms out which he gladly took as he wrapped you into a tight hug. You stood on your toes as he buried his face into your neck.

Sophie stood behind, and she gave the two of you a nasty look. You caught it from JJs shoulder but you ignored it anyway.

"There," You smiled, patting his chest as you saw the imprints your muddy body had left on his white shirt. "Now it's like you were here."

JJ smiled as you looked into his eyes. The sound of someone clearing their throat loudly interrupted you, causing you to look behind him.

"Right-" You fumbled nervously. "Hey, Sophie I'm-"

"Y/n, yeah JJ has told me too much about you." She smiled sarcastically. You began to feel that familiar feeling of discomfort while talking to her.

"Well, it's nice to meet you..!" You chuckled awkwardly holding a hand out for her to shake. She stared at your hand in disgust, probably due to the mud.

As Sophie flipped her hair, you realized how pretty she actually was. You looked down at her clothing. She had a green tube top paired with a pair of Levi light washed shorts that stocked up her legs and white heeled sandals. Paired with multiple, presumably gold earrings, chains, and rings.

Her hair was clean and her makeup was perfect. As you watched her scan your muddy t-shirt paired with your muddy shorts and messy hair, you couldn't help but fall slightly self-conscious.

She was a kook. She looked perfect. She was perfect. And you were beginning to realize why JJ had started dating her.

"You look, interesting, don't you?” She smiled tightly. You looked at her, sensing her sarcasm a mile away. Your eyebrows furrowed.

"Care to elaborate?"

"You just look," She continued, glancing down and resting her eyes on your arms and stomach. "Dirty."

"Well, what's that supposed to mean, kook?" Kiara shot. You looked at the girl, stunned.

Kiara was about to swing at her. "Let's just go get my things, babe,"

JJ leaned over pecking her lips and walked past you two not saying a word. You watched them walk past you with a slightly hurt expression. Clearly, he had heard what she said, and while it wasn't the worse thing a kook had said to you, it wasn't like JJ to sit around letting people talk to you like that, much less when it was backhanded.

You didn't put much thought into it, turning to John B and giving him a tense half-smile. He looked over at Sophie before walking close behind you alone with the rest, Kiara sending her one last nasty look.

JJ stopped coming over as much as he used to. He blamed it on Sophie and her social and personal needs. You knew there was some sort of meaning to it because whenever he was near you and the Pogues he was extremely weird about it, specifically with you

He'd randomly get defensive, he didn't look as happy as he used to be. His smile wasn't as bright as it used to be and you missed him more than you'd care to admit.

Hanging out with him for the first time in forever about 2 weeks ago made you realize it could potentially be easy to bury the feelings you had for him, but as soon as he smiled you caught yourself realizing if it even was as easy as you planted it out to be.

But at this point, you didn't care about your romantic feelings, you just wanted your best friend back.

You dragged the wet rag across the freshly used table in the corner of the cut. You whistled over at Kie who walked in with the other Pogues.

Kies parents managed to get you a job at the cut and much to their surprise you were a great employee, maybe even better than their own daughter. You were always on time and constantly offered to do more shifts than asked. You liked keeping your hands full and what better than cleaning dirty dishes and taking orders from sometimes snobby people.

It helped you get out of your comfort zone, and it's why you needed right now.

"Go wait for me at table eight, my shifts already over," You said glancing at the clock that read eight pm.

You walked into the back of the kitchen, taking off your dirty apron and reassuring yourself that the fries you all always ordered were cooking for your friends.

When you walked out of the back, you saw your friends chatting with each other, smiles wide with the addition of a mop of blonde hair in the farthest seat of the left-hand side of the booth.

"JJ," You smiled, feeling your heart swell at the sight of him. You climb into the booth behind them and stepped over the barrier, claiming your own seat across JJ on the right-hand side. "Finally, you awaken from the dead."

He lets out an exhausted sigh. "That I do,"

"How's things with Sophie?" Pope pushed. You forced your smile as he looked at you briefly and then back at Pope.

"Oh- you know, same old same old," He shrugged, smiling weakly. You could tell the smile wasn't exactly reaching his eyes.

You heard a timer go off in the back. You groaned resting your forehead on the table. "Does someone want to get that for us? My legs are about to fall off."

The others looked at each other, somewhat agreeing on something silently. Something you weren't able to catch.

"Me and Sarah will get the uhm- ketchup," John B perked. Sarah stammered awkwardly beside him.

"Yeah! You- Like it with your- your fries!" They both got up from beside JJ and left the table.

"I'll get the fries!" Kiara stood beside you. "Pope,"

Pope cocked his brow at Kiara, and when Kiara strained her face and subtly tilted it in your direction you knew what was going on. You groaned internally but smiled at them nonetheless.

His face settled with realization. "Oh!- Yeah!- I'll uhm- come with you..?"

You both watched as they both left the table rapidly. You watched both pairs leave the room. You look down at your hands before trying to adjust to the newborn atmosphere that settled between the two of you.

"How have you been?" You said smiling at JJ as you picked at your nails while looking over at him. "I feel like it's been forever since we've seen each other? You're not avoiding me, are you Maybank?"

You meant it with humor, but the blonde seemed to react with anything but. He shrugged. "I've just been busy."

You strained your lips, feeling the sudden awkwardness react in your body. "You ok?"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I don't know, you've been genuinely," You shrugged a bit. “I don't know, distant...?"

You reach a hand out for his. "You just don't seem like yourself."

"I get it, but it's not really your business," He pulled back before you could reach him, placing his hands silently in his lap. “No offense."

Your heart dropped into your stomach as you closed your gaping mouth shut, confusion beginning to settle in. You did take offense to it, a lot.

"Ok, offense taken," You pushed your back against the cushion behind you, opting for the space between you two to increase. "I was just asking."

"Yeah well, I get what you feel, but I don't think it's like that at all, I've just been busy,"

"With Sophie?" You scoffed rolling your eyes as you turned your head to the side.

"What is your problem with her? Everything's fine-" He asks, brows knit in anger.

"Please JJ, I know you better than that." You cut through, eyes burning into his. "And my problem is that ever since you've gotten with Sophie, all you've become is a snob. You've shut everyone you care about out, especially me. I mea, what are you even doing with a girl like that?"

"Me? What about you?" He scoffed. "You've been acting weird since I got with Sophie."

"Because I don't like her."  You defended.

"Well, I don't believe it's just that." He shot. Your mouth clamped shut. Why were you two fighting? This was the first time you'd seen each other in weeks and the first thing he does is snap at you. "Maybe Sophie was right."

You perked your chin. "Right about what?"

"That you're being a jealous bitch." He spat.

You couldn’t contain your shock as you let out a dry laugh, raising your eyebrows with avail. You had never, and you mean ever heard JJ talk to you with such aggression.

It felt horrible. Your throat burned dry, and your heart felt heavy as the lump in your throat grew stronger. You felt like crying.

Your best friend suddenly grew this newfound aggression towards you. And you did nothing but be there for him through absolutely everything and he's still defending his 2-day old girlfriend over the person who knew how to cheer him up and to be there and comfort him when he was down, how to make him laugh and brighten up immediately.

The thought of him being so utterly oblivious angered you beyond words, and you were fed up.

"Fuck you," You spat. You hated talking to him like that. You’d only ever cursed him out once before, and it had previously been because he had stepped on your toes when you were eleven. It made him feel a pang of guilt.

You stood up abruptly and pointed at him. "I am so sick of your petty bullshit JJ, grow the fuck up."

You rushed out of the booth grabbing your bags and heading towards the door.

JJ remained quiet before getting up with a groan as he rushed behind you while you stomped out the front door. He kept calling your name but you weren't going to stop and hear him out. That was until he grabbed your arm and pulled you around causing you to let out a frustrated groan.

“Y/n, you’re overreacting!” He shot. You laughed even more, still rushing over to your car.

“Sure I am!” You shot back.

“I don’t get what the big deal is!-“

"Stop it!" You seethed through your teeth, spinning swiftly on your heel to face him. "I can't do this shit anymore JJ!"

"Do what?" He asked just as intensely.

"This-!" You gesture between the two of you. "This thing!"

You couldn't find the right words for what you were trying to say. He twisted his brows in confusion, looking at your eyes. "I have been your best friend through everything, through thick and thin and I have never once left your side!"

"I know that," He sighed.

"Then why can't you see all of the things I've given up for you and how much I actually care for you?! The second Sophie came into the picture I'm treated like some other Pogue." You yelled through the evident strain in your voice.

He watched you, eyebrows buried in concern as everything you were saying was slowly sinking into his brain. He opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out.

"Do you seriously not realize..?" Your voice became small as you looked at him through painful eyes. He took a step towards you and towered over you.

"Realize what y/n?!" He stressed back at you. "God, you're being so confusi-"

"That I'm fucking in love with you!" Your chest heaved up and down and you were seeing red. The rush of adrenaline had allowed you to spit out what you were actually feeling. He felt the wind get knocked out of him. He stared at you wide-eyed, words completely out of his mouth.

"And you failed to see that I've been here this whole time while Sophie turned you into the person we used to hate." You pushed him back. "So forget it."

"Y/n-" He tried, grabbing at your wrist.

"Im done!" Your voice wavered as you pulled your hand away from his grip. You felt your eyes burning as the sudden realization of you needing to cry settled in.

“And i’m not about to fucking cry over you-“ You pushed him away fully and turned to make your way to the car with every sane piece you felt you had, still attached to him and only him.

And he stood there realizing he should've ignored his fear a long time ago, and gone for you the second he realized he was in love with you too.

You cleared your throat as a kook wrapped his arm around your body while the heat from the fire hit your face softly.

"Yeah sorry," You shifted, pulling his arm off of you. "Not in the mood."

He scoffed and walked away, probably feeling as if his ego had been severely bruised. You look over at Kiara, nearly laughing but holding it in since he was still close enough to hear.

It had been only a few days since the whole incident with JJ and you couldn't tell how you were feeling. Somehow you've made an awfully confusing peace with the fact that you may never speak to him again in a long time, despite him being your best friend. It was still hurting you every day, and the note you two ended on hurt even more. But a side of you saw this coming when you acknowledged your feelings for him.

You sighed, resting your elbows on your knees and holding your chin in your hand. You looked up and caught a glimpse of JJ arriving at the kegger you were at.

He looked over at you and you felt your heart begin to flutter. It felt like falling for him all over again and you hated it, but you also somehow missed the feeling. You felt your throat close as you offered him a soft smile. He smiled back weakly before John B rushed to him punching his shoulder and greeting him.

You kicked a small rock, feeling more alone and more confused than ever.

"Hey," Sarah said walking over to you. "How are you holding up?"

You looked over at the blonde with a soft smile as she placed a hand on your back, rubbing comforting circles onto it.

"Any news from you know who?" She tilted her head in JJs direction. You smiled weakly shaking your head.

"Nope." You said popping the P as you sat up. Her hand fell from your back.

Sarah had always been a close friend to you since she started dating John B, and while you absolutely loved talking to Kie, you felt bad talking about JJ to another one of his closest friends.

"I'm sure it'll die down," Sarah suggested, you looked over at her and deadpanned.

"I told him I loved him."

"People sometimes.. forget..?" She gave you an awkward smile as she shrugged her shoulders. You let out a laugh and shook your head, looking out at the beach.

From the corner of your eye, you saw someone stomping their way over towards you. When you looked over and saw Sophie heading towards you and Sarah with an absolutely pissed expression plastered across your face, you cursed internally knowing you were in for it.

It still didn't shock you less when she was a few inches away from your face that she raised her hand, smacking you across the cheek. Sarah gasped beside you as people from all around you turned and things went quiet at the sound of her hand smacking against the skin of your cheek.

Your mouth fell open as your hand immediately flew to the burning sensation she left on your left cheek. You were in too much shock to give a crap about the pain. When you finally turned to look up at Sohpie, who stood with a firm stance in front of you.

"You are a two-faced bitch." She spat into your face pointing a very threatening and aggressive finger at your face. Rage began to seep into you as your senses began kicking in again.

"Okay, get your fucking finger out of my face," You said smacking her hand away from you and pushing yourself up. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?"

"Y/n," Sarah mumbled as a warning while she scooched backward, still not wanting to get anywhere near the two flaming teenagers.

"Me and JJ broke up," Your eyebrows twisted in confusion. You glanced over at everyone whispering around you. "And I know that's exactly what you wanted to hear."

“How is that my problem?” You defended. You looked up at the merely taller girl. You kept a firm posture, not letting her pushing her face into your own scare you.

"You want everything to yourself and you cant keep your nose out of other people's business." She strained, teeth gritted. You clenched your fists. "You dirty ass Pogue-"

She shoved you by the shoulders roughly, nearly sending you tumbling over the log you were sitting on, but you managed to find your balance to push yourself back up. You wanted to be the more mature person in this conversation, but if this kook wanted to get her hands dirty then so did you.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" You pushed her back with just as much force, maybe even more as anger began to blur your vision. Everyone started chanting around you and you could hear Sarah and Kiara yelling at you to step down. Bullshit. "You ever thought that maybe he just doesn't want to be associated with a spoiled kook who looks like you?"

With the sarcastic smile plastered on your face, it was enough for her to let out a strained screech and run towards you, tackling your body over the log and onto the ground. The wind was knocked out of your body as your back slammed against the sand with her body on top of yours. She moved quickly, sitting onto your stomach as she locked you underneath her legs and nagged your face with a nasty punch to your nose.

You, however, were quicker as you reached up and grabbed her with both hands by the hair yanking her to the side with a grunt, despite the pain in your nose. Her body fell off of your own as she tried to pry your hands out of her hair with a high-pitched scream.

You flipped over, positioning yourself onto her body now, and swung two punches right into her right cheek. Just as you were about to send the third on towards her nose, someone grabbed you by the arm and yanked you off her.

You didn't need to look back to know it was John B as you kicked and fought, wanting with everything in your body to go back and show that fucking kook everything she deserves. Anger was boiling through you and you weren't able to control it.

Your heart dropped slightly when you saw JJ rush over to Sophie. You gave up underneath John Bs grip as your face fell slightly. Your brows however furrowed quickly as you shoved yourself off of John B, turning with one last glance at the couple.

"Fuck you Y/N L/N!" She screamed as you turned your back onto them. You raised a hand, flipping her off and continuing your way towards your bike.

You heard JJ shout your name, and you fumbled in your tracks, momentarily thinking of stopping and turning to him hoping by some miracle this was all a stupid nightmare. But alas, you're legs continued to carry you forward as tears threatened to spill from your sharp gaze.

Your head hurt and you could feel blood trickling down your nose and onto your lips. You huffed, determined to get the hell out of there.

"Y/N!" Sarah said as she watched you stumble as you pulled the bike up and off the floor. You felt dizzy.

"Y/N, do not get on that bike," You heard JJs voice call out. You froze, staring at the floor and eyebrows knitting together. A part of you wanted to stay, and cry and say sorry for everything you ruined by telling JJ how you actually felt, but another did not care in the slightest.

With that, you huffed getting onto the bike and riding towards the Chateau.

"Y/N!" A voice shouted through the front door of the Chateau. You rolled your eyes, continuing to clean the blood off your bloody bruised nose.

"Yes John B?" You called out from your bathroom. You heard other voices of complaints and footsteps gather into the house along with his.

You scrunched your nose, wincing in pain at the movement and cringing at the purple that surrounded your nose and the left of your right eye from the reflection of the mirror. You turned briefly as the door flew open, revealing a shaken-up John B.

"Are you fucking stupid?" He asked.

"No..?" You responded, not entirely confident in your answer. "Look, I get that you may have been worried about me or something-"

"Oh, he wasn't the one that was worried." JJ's cold voice cut through as he leaned into the doorframe. You looked at John B who sighed and raised his hands in defense, walking away and leaving the two of you be.

"What do you want?" You asked, lifting your head in the mirror and wiping the cotton underneath your nose.

"What is wrong with you?" He asks, clearly pissed.

"You drink god knows how much and then your dumbass gets on a fucking bike, ride away, alone, and-" He runs his hands through his hair, letting out an exasperated sigh, maybe even a groan at that.

"I wasn’t even that drunk, and riding with my nose in this state wasn’t that hard.” You deadpanned, clearly not giving him any attention.

“Are you done?” You asked, signing with frustration He opened his mouth to talk but stopped himself halfway. He glanced at the bathroom sink, seeing your dried blood along the white ceramic.

"Are we ever going to talk about what you said to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about." You ignored the color rising towards your cheek.

"I broke up with Sophie." You looked down. You knew, but hearing him say it with such a softness in his tone made the hairs on your neck stand.

"What does that have to do with me?” You said, still not looking towards him.

"A lot." You felt his hand rest atop of the one you used to balance yourself against the counter. Your body tensed as your gaze shifted from his hand on top of yours to his gaze. He stepped closer to you.

"The way that kook spoke and treated you made me so fucking mad," He started, looking down at your hands touching. Your lips parted as you tried to read his expression, failing completely. "And it made me realize that I was with Sophie just to try and ignore what I was actually feeling.."

"JJ," You swallowed.

“I’m not finished.” He cut through, allowing you to clamp your mouth shut. “I never acknowledged how I felt because I knew that our friendship was more important than any feelings I could begin to develop.”

He rubbed his thumb across your hand. “And then I told you how I felt…” You guessed.

“You told me how you felt,” He agreed. There was a silence, a sudden realization that hung in the air. You swallowed thickly and looked up at JJ. He stared back at you until his gaze momentarily slipped to your lips.

Suddenly, he drew his body closer to yours. He brought his hand up to your cheeks, trying to be careful with your nose. You watched him carefully.

“I love you too, invade you wanted to know.” His breath hovered and intertwined with your own before his lips fell onto yours and your knees went weak. You felt all anger and all resentment flow out of every inch of your body, being replaced with the feeling of lightness and electricity through your arms and legs.

Sure JJ had a weird way of dealing with his feelings, and so did you. You weren't direct, you were quiet. And he was probably the complete opposite, but you knew that despite everything, he belonged to you and only you.

[sorryimanon]

Character: Katsuki Bakugou

Warnings: so much fluff and a bit of spice

In which you and bakugou witness your child’s quirk for the first time

-

Early mornings were the best in your opinion. The warmth of the blankets hugging every inch of your cold body, the sound of cars zipping by outside the cracked window, and the familiar wandering hands that belong to none other than your boyfriend. It’s quite a sight, seeing Katsuki all vulnerable with his head angled just right into the base of the pillow, a pool of drool collecting on it. Usually he’s an early bird, waking up before you to cram in a quick workout then head off making breakfast in the kitchen. However, the routine switched up when a little bundle of joy enterd both of your lives.

Everyone, including you, was surprised you managed to settle Katsuki down let alone have him become a domesticated father. Of course it scared the living shit out of you. Sex with Bakugou was amazing, tenfold even, but one night both of you made an irrational decision to not use protection while being intimate, resulting in you heaving yourself over the toilet the following weekend.

“Stomach flu, right?” Katsuki reasoned anxiously.

“Right.” You reassured him with a crooked smile.

Nine months later you gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. To say you were happy was an understatement. Hell, everything you ever wanted landed graciously on your lap like a silver plater. Even though you and Katsuki weren’t planning having kids for a long time, the moment when your daughter finally arrived, it’s like both of y’all knew she came into your lives at the right time.

Now she lays crushed between Katsukis chest, his arms wrapped protectively around her as though something were to have grabbed her in the middle of the night. Their breathing synchronized each time they inhaled and exhaled. For a second, you admire the two figures in front of you. She sure inherited the looks from your boyfriend. Same blonde hair, toothy grin, and crimson eyes. At least she had more of your personality and mannerisms. Although occasionally her sudden outbursts reminded you of Katsuki when he was a teenager.

Your daughters head was in a awkward 45 degree angle, making her blonde hair cover half of her face. Instinctively, you reached over and brushed aside the tangled mess, making her squirm in place at the sudden touch. She opened her eyes finally and obnoxiously yawned, stretching out her small arms. One of her arms accidentally whacked Katsuki in the face during the process.

“Ugh you fucking gremlin...” Katsuki mumbles, playfully swatting his daughters hand away from his face. Your daughter eventually unlatched herself from his arms and began to jump up and down in the space between you and your grumpy looking boyfriend.

“Daddy’s up! It’s time for breakfast!” Your daughter joyfully proclaimed while bouncing around on the king sized bed.

“No it’s not.” He swept his feet that weren’t covered by the devet under hers, causing her to land softly against the bed. You knew she enjoyed the harsh playfulness when you heard her cries of laughter. You giggled and looked over at Katsuki, who at the moment had a temporary scowl across his face.

“Squirt you know the rules. Get yourself cleaned up and then we’ll start making breakfast,” you promised her.

Her eyes lit up at that moment like it was Christmas morning and hoisted herself off the large bed. She closed the door behind her, like you taught her, and scurried off to the shared bathroom. You wanted to have a moment of peace before she comes barging in again. Closing your eyes, you hummed in satisfaction and snuggled more into your pillow. Across from you, Katsuki had other plans in mind. He closed the space between you and laid his hand on the base of your waist, the other bunching up your shirt. Wanting to feel your skin, he slipped his hand under your shirt and rubbed circles around your abdomen. The coldness that clung to your skin immediately warmed up by his gentle touch. The sensation dragged a familiar sensual feeling down your body. A feeling that you haven’t felt in a while. Opening your eyes to where they’re just tiny slits, you can make out Katsuki staring right back at you.

“I know you’re still awake dumbass,” he softly spoke, his breath fanning the crook of your neck. So close he took the opportunity and started kissing the sensitive area. His tongue darted out, licking a small strip in the crevice. You didn’t need a third party to know a bruise was already forming.

“K-Katsuki. Not right now. Our d-daughter is just down the hall from us,” you manage to croak out as he attacked your neck with love bites. Oh how you missed these small little interactions with him. You knew they resorted to adultry, but anything involving foreplay with Katsuki excited you.

He sucked and bit some more of your supple flesh, causing you to ripple out a soft moan.

“Oh baby, how I missed your fucking moans.”

His morning voice mixed in with his already deep brooding one made you even wetter by the minute.

Soon the hand that was rubbing circles around your stomach extended to your breast, grabbing it playfully in tune to his tongue massage on your neck. Katsuki flicked his thumb over your perky nipple, giving it much desired attention. You parted your mouth slightly at the action, letting him latch his lips onto yours. Thankfully your moans were muffled, or else your daughter would’ve heard.

To return the favor, you carelessly grope Katsukis member through his boxers, earning a groan from him within your mouth.

“Fuck baby. You almost made me...cum by just... doing that,” he said in between sloppy kisses.

Without breaking the kiss, you shifted yourself on top of him, straddling his waist with your bare legs on display. His hand left your breast and replaced itself onto your hip, massaging the skin that was exposed. You removed your mouth from his, catching some air you forgot existed until he meshed into you. The two of you were a panting mess.

“It has been awhile, hasn’t it?” You whispered into his ear.

If looks could melt, his infamous smirk would. “Quickie? Before the brat ruins the fun.”

You huffed and pinched his cheek to the point where the flesh turned red.

“Ow fuck! Okay shitty woman. I take back what I said.” He smacked your ass as revenge and kissed the corner of your mouth. “For later then.”

You triumphantly smirk and peck his lips for good measure. Despite being cold turkey from sex, you knew punishing him by having him wait was the best part. You pushed yourself off him and rejoiced to the warm feeling of his chest. Defeated, Katsuki begrudgingly snaked his arms around you, kissing the crown of your forehead. He had to admit, he’d rather enjoy your body next to his than underneath all sweaty with lust. Don’t be fooled, he loves that too.

“What’s taking that brat so long-“

A loud beep startled both you and Katsuki to sit up straight in bed. It was your fire alarm. An alarm that hasn’t gone off since when you first moved in. Katsuki activated his quirk by accident one time in the kitchen, emitting the same annoying blast of noise this morning.

Leaving the bed in shambles, you both hurried out the door in search for your daughter. A foul scent of smoke and ash was wafting through the air. What you weren’t expecting was for the living room and kitchen to be perfectly pristine of any flames or smoke. You checked the perimeter of the area a second time to make sure you weren’t going crazy. Nothing. Maybe the fire alarm was glitching out? You were pull out of your daze when Katsuki slipped on his own feet coming out from the long hallway.

“I think I found out where the smoke is coming from,” he said breathlessly.

He dragged you along with him to your daughters room. Scared and confused, you turn the nob and slowly open the door. There sat your daughter, in the middle of the room laughing hysterically at something. She then noticed you two standing there and smiled widely. Gosh, she looked so much like her father there.

“Mommy daddy, look what I can do!” She said before plugging her nose and lighting herself on fire.

You’d think, this image would scare you, but no. You stared at awe towards your inflamed daughter, basking in at how the flames protected her body and moved with her. It finally came the day where your child’s quirk manifested. She was basically a lone torch. Katsuki mirrored the same emotions you were feeling as well. Your daughter extinguished herself and trailed over to where you both stood. She hugged your lovers leg, cranking her head to where they can directly look at each other.

“Does this mean I can be like you daddy? I can be a future hero just like you?”

Katsuki couldn’t help but to chuckle and bend down to grab her and place her on his hip.

“Just don’t be hanging out with extras when you’re older kiddo.” He reached around and started tickling her aggressively on the sides.

“I promise d-dad n-no stupid extras!” Her laugh with the combination of Katsukis childish taunts was like music to your ears.

And that wasn’t the last of the rude awakening mornings. Nevertheless, you cherished them more now than ever.

-

(Might be a reoccurring story bc I love daddy katsuki with a torch daughter)

[im-a-star-boy]

Chrysopoeia (Part 1)

eyyyyyy 2 parter,,, nether fun with a side of angst,,,,,

@panna-pan @princeboo do yall still want me tagging you when I post this AU or should I stop?

TW: Panic attacks

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

Summary: They haven’t been to the Nether since they left the SMP, but they can’t put it off forever.

Word Count: 1,700

Date of Completion: Saturday, January 16th, 2021

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

Tommy cast an anxious look to Tubbo and Ranboo, who were chatting quietly between themselves. “Is this a good idea?”

The two looked up at Tommy’s voice. Tubbo glanced back to the cave and made an unsure noise. “I mean, we gotta at some point, we’ve been here for two months. And… and we need quartz.”

Tommy looked down for a minute before returning his gaze to the cave. “Okay…”

The three bore their armor, enchanted iron with gold boots, and made their way down. The walk was quiet and tense as the stone slowly shifted into netherrack, patches of gravel shifted soul sand, there were small patches of blackstone and nether wart growing around, crimson vines hung from the ceiling, their sharp thorns dangling hazardously. Something in Tommy’s gut twinged as they approached the nether portal. 

The three had found it a few days before from a zombified piglin exiting the cave, an active nether portal that they hadn’t built. The nether had seemed to seep into the cave, converting natural minerals into the nether materials. It was built in the same style as the old ruined portals, but it wasn’t ruined, and it was still active. Some of the obsidian had begun to crack and weep, but not enough to offset the portal as the dark purple continued to swirl and whisper. The portal was protected by the cave, surrounded on all sides by stone supports. On the top of the portal, two gold blocks still glimmered, unwavered and untouched by the elements. 

They didn’t know who built the portal or how long it had been there, just that it was there. Tubbo shifted in his spot in front of the portal. None of them had been to the Nether since they left the SMP, and the idea of going back put them on edge. “You got the gold?” Tommy asked.

Ranboo nodded and lifted up the bag. “Yep,”

“Everyone have their tools and armor?”

Tubbo and Ranboo nodded and murmured softly in agreement. Tommy took a deep breath and led the way. “Then in we go,”

.oOo.oOo.oOo.

The Nether hadn’t changed much. It was still hot, it was still dangerous, and it was still quiet, so, so very quiet.

Sure, there were sounds, but not enough in Tubbo’s opinion. The sound of fire crackling, lava bubbling from a lavafall nearby, the distant sound of a ghast crying, the sounds of piglins, or maybe hoglins, snorting somewhere. These sounds would break the silence every few minutes, but it was never enough to calm his nerves. Tubbo hated the Nether silence.

It wasn't like the Overworld silence, the sliver of time where the crickets would stop chirping, where the nocturnal animals would find their resting place, where the brooks and streams seemed to stop, if only for a moment, as the sun rose. It wasn't the peaceful moment of calm where everything in the world slept, everything but him at least. When the sun would break the horizon, the birds would take the place of the crickets and their cows and horses and chickens would wake and begin their day. The moment would be over. 

The Overworld silence was peaceful, momentary, and calm. The Nether silence was deafening, a threat, a reminder that few creatures lived here, that few creatures ever could even survive here. He could count all the truly living mobs here on one hand, and still would have less than ten if he counted the undead mobs. 

The portal had led them to a crimson forest. Tommy half expected to come through to the Nether hub, to see the bridges to his exile and to Techno’s house, to the floor from where the portal formed precariously over a lava lake, but no. It was untouched, overgrown, and empty. 

The portal was built into a wall on the edge of the crimson forest, the same stone brick framing around it keeping it stable, and the same cracks of obsidian that wept the strange purple fluid. The gold that typically decorated the structures was missing. A zombie piglin spared them an uninterested glance as they stepped through and examined the terrain.  

Tommy was quick to step forward and loot the chest that accompanied the ruins. There was a flint and steel, two fire charges, a clock, a few iron nuggets, and a helmet.

Tommy pulled out the helmet and examined it for a moment before returning it to the chest. Tubbo stepped forward, swallowing thickly. “Come on, let’s build a quick base here.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow. “A base? Why?”

“A place to store our stuff, it doesn’t hurt to have some emergency supplies here.”

“I’m with Tubbo, it doesn’t have to be complex, just something safe if we need to bunker down.” Ranboo piped in.

Tommy looked between the two and sighed. “Alright, fine, whatever, let’s build a base.”

Tubbo grinned. “Can you chop down some trees?”

Tommy didn’t reply, just grabbed his axe and stepped forward. “You two pick a spot, I’ll start there.”

Tubbo nodded and began searching. A little ways off from the portal, there was a nice flat area. “Over here!” He called.

Tommy stepped forward and began chopping the trees down, taking down the nether wart blocks that were like leaves to the tree. Once a good area was cleared, he handed materials off. Tubbo glanced at the materials and back to Tommy for a moment before smiling. “Tommy, why don’t you carve out a pathway? We can make it with red nether bricks, but we’ll need the netherrack to make them.”

Tommy straightened up a bit, his eyes brightening slightly at the idea of building a path. “Oh so now you’re making me do all the shitty work?”

Despite his snippy reply, Tubbo could see his excitement as he already began digging. Ranboo chuckled as Tommy got to work, looking eager with his job. 

The three had worked quickly, Tommy had carved out a path, chopping down trees as he went, and had set all the netherrack to smelt into bricks, letting Ranboo combine them into red nether bricks and then into slabs. He frequently would get sidetracked in cutting down trees and chopping the thorny crimson vines that dangled dangerously. He was quick in placing the slabs, looking immensely pleased with his work. 

As he placed the final slabs, he paused when his communicator pinged. He grabbed it, expecting a message from Tubbo, but froze when he saw the message. Niki says: Hey, Tommy. I know you’re… gone… but I need to apologize one last time. I’m sorry this happened to you, I’m sorry you have to pay for our mistakes, and I wish things could’ve ended differently. You didn’t deserve to die for our causes.

Niki says: You, Tubbo, and Ranboo were just children, and we chased you away. You died for a cause that didn’t last and I’m sorry we put you through that. I wish you three the best in whatever afterlife exists, and I hope you can find it in you to forgive us.

Tommy reread the message over and over. Niki had always been one to give speeches to the dead, but one to him? They thought he was dead?

His stomach churned as he read it again. He hadn’t even realized his breathing was picking up, or that his vision was blurring, or that it was suddenly too hot, too cramped, he can’t breathe he’s dying I’m dying I’m dying I can’t breathe I’m dying- Dream help please Dream I’m sorry-

There was a hand on his shoulder. “Tommy, deep breaths Tommy,” A gentle voice encouraged.

Tommy looked up, tears blurring his vision. When had he sat down? “Tommy, follow my breathing, okay? It’s okay, you’re okay,”

Tommy sucked in a shuddery breath and felt his hand get guided to someone’s chest. He could feel the expansion and collapse of their lungs and attempted to follow along. He took deep, shaky breaths. “Tubbo?” 

The brunet smiled. “Hey, Tommy.” 

Tommy took a slow breath, looking uncertain as he gathered his surroundings again. “Oh,”

Tubbo nodded gently. “You had a bit of a panic attack there, Big Man.” Tommy avoided his gaze, repeating, “Oh,” a bit softer. 

Tubbo’s gaze softened. “What happened?”

Tommy shakily pointed to his communicator, which he had dropped during his panic attack. Tubbo glanced over to it and Ranboo, who was watching worriedly from behind him, grabbed it, handing it to the brunet. He looked up at Tommy, getting his permission, before turning it on and seeing the message from Niki. His gaze hardened as he read the message before shutting it off. “Ranboo and I just got a similar message,” He hummed, setting the communicator aside for the meantime. “On the bright side, if they think we’re dead, they won’t come looking for us.”

Tommy avoided his gaze. “Why are they just now apologizing? After they think we’re fucking dead, that’s when they choose to apologize?!”

Tubbo nodded gently. “Yeah, it’s pretty stupid, isn’t it?”

Ranboo shrugged. “I mean, at least they’re trying, I guess.”

“Trying a bit too fucking late!”

Ranboo flinched back at his yell and Tommy quieted, curling in on himself. “I’m sorry, Big Man, I’m sorry.”

The Enderman hybrid’s gaze softened as he met his eyes. “It’s okay, Tommy. You have a right to be angry. They shouldn’t have waited until we ‘died’ to apologize.”

Tommy nodded weakly in agreement, still looking beat. Tubbo stood up and offered down his hand. “Wanna head home? We’ve made a lot of progress and I say we deserve a break.”

The blond nodded again. “Yeah, I could use some water and a nap.”

The other two nodded. “We’ve made pretty good progress on the base I’d say, it’s pretty and functional!”

Tommy grinned. “Oh yeah? We’re making headway, bitch! Soon enough we’ll have netherite again!”

Tubbo pumped his fist happily. “Yeah!”

Ranboo grinned at the two. “Wooo! Blowing up the nether with beds!”

Tommy let out a strained but genuine laugh. “Hell yeah!”

The three walked back through the portal, seeming a bit more eased about the situation.

[girloikawa]

carry on youtuber au

baz starts out as a cover artist, occasionally posting his own songs (he does violin stuff too)

but eventually he gets recognition and people are like “who is this person?????” so baz does a few q&as

oh BUT THEN he reveals that he also has so many other interests (books, movies, planting, coffee, Controversal Topics) that people want him to do other types of videos

and that is what starts baz on the long road of his channel basically being an everything bagel where he does a bit of everything and people find it very chill

agatha and baz become friends over their mutual love of gossip in the community (as long as they’re not apart of it)

(because baz and agatha and simon and penny aren’t problematic)

which brings me to agatha, she’s one of those channels that keep everyone updated on the drama and the shitty stuff that happens on YouTube as long as regular media

very opinionated, this gal is, so she shares her opinion on...everything

though, sometimes she’ll do a q&a and do her makeup and talk about fashion or what she’s into at the moment

she’s basically angelika oles

penny’s a booktuber!!!

she mostly reads and reviews fantasy books, as they are her favorite, but she’ll also do those videos where it’s like “i just read a shitty wattpad romance story, let me rant” or “my top ten favorite ya pairings” or “tier ranking every harry potter character because life has no meaning”

now, simon, the babe, he’s (and you cannot fight me on this) basically jenna marbles

his videos are so random and spurratic, he doesn’t even plan what his next video is, and he’s the youtuber

i would also like to point out that simon probably totally has adhd and would talk about it and his experience with it

his most popular videos are of him baking. he’s like (and hear me out) very good and very bad at it. like, all throughout the videos, everybody’s holding their breath’s like “oh no this is going to turn out terribly” because simon being in the kitchen is like a horse babysitting a dog, it’s a mess, however the end product is always perfect and amazing and by the end everybody’s drooling behind their screens

simon is also widely conceived as the weirdest straight guy ever. like people (from just looking at him) think he’s just So Striaght but a very Cool Straight Guy who people wouldn’t actually mind being around

simon has the most subscribers (the majority being that they find him funny and see him as a friend, the minority being people who think he’s Hot As Hell and okay yeah he’s a good person too but have you seen those freckles-)

then it’s baz because he actually started first and his following has been a journey, then agatha (she’s the newest, and her subscriber rate is growing rapidly), then penny (booktube is a small community sad face)

penny n simon are irl best friends and penny was the one who convinced simon to make a channel bc he needed something to help let out his energy, “plus it’s a little fun hobby”

snowbaz now :)

simon has followed baz from pretty much the beginning. he saw his cringy covers, his development as a songwriter, and the walls built around baz crumble over the camera

baz...well, he’s one of those people who think simon is Hot As Hell, but he also genuinely enjoys the videos. at first, baz was like “I’m not watching him, everybody watches him, and I’m different” so he always avoided the recommendations youtube gave him of simon’s videos (but it was also bc he didn’t want to confront that he was very attracted to simon)

and then, one fateful night, agatha sent baz a link to a video called “coming out” and under the link she wrote “youtube angel!”—that’s their nickname for simon—“shocking the world!”

baz click click clicked because hot guy is lgbt+????? and baz watched the video, commenting “proud of you” or something along those lines, and then he watched so, so many more of simon’s videos

simon, a boy who just came out as bisexual, just had his youtube hero comment on his video where he came out and is like !!!!!!

simon’s sexual awakening is baz

also, simon breaks the internet with that video, because he isn’t striaght and that’s so mind-boggling to everybody. but there’s always that one group of people who are like “i saw this coming. do you not remember that one time simon showed his socks and his jeans were cuffed-”

simon replies to baz’s comment and is like “oh my god thank you so much. you’re like my actual favorite youtuber” like a fucking Nut and people see that and say “omg collab” because they’re both relatively high status youtubers and their collab would be Powerful

then, summoning all his courage, simon dms baz on instagram with just a simple “hey, a lot of people are saying we should collab lmao”

“i’ve seen that” “heh uhm yeah” “maybe we could get to know each other and see if that would be a good idea” “yes! i’d love that”

and they do. they get really close and stuff,, but people don’t exactly...see that

you see, on twitter, they get in millions of arguments. people genuinely think that they hate each other to some extent, when in reality, they’re swooning at the sight of the three dot bubble

baz, on twitter: “you cannot tell me that people actually enjoy sparkling water. it’s trash, move on” (they had an argument over it, privately, and baz is making it public to cause a rise out of simon bc he finds angry simon cute)

simon, in response: “yo I’m throwing you in the trash as we speak. fuhhhck u”

so, when they collab for the first time, everybody at home is just like *shocked pikachu emoji* they end up doing a video where simon bakes baz’s mom’s recipe of cherry scones with baz. it’s kind of a big deal bc both simon and baz don’t want to ruin baz’s memory of his mother

in the end, baz tears up and gives si a big ass hug because they’re perfect, simon. i love them, thank you. the fans start shipping. hard. it’s simon’s highest viewed video

that surprise hug is also what makes simon realize that his feelings are much deeper than attraction and surface level forms of knowing someone

on baz’s channel, they were going to film a video where they talked about their experiences being queer, but then simon realized that his biggest, most prominent example was staring at baz’s jawline, so he had to be like “uhhh, actually, I’m not really comfortable with that yet” which is part true. instead, they do a video where they have argumentative discussions, like on twitter but in depth and with less insults

anyways, they receive pretty positive feedback on the videos, people enjoy them, so they decide to do more. also, they both live in LA, so it’s actually pretty easy to do them, plus they have a diverse area to do them in

also, i think it’d be nice to mention that simon will sometimes do twitch streams of him playing minecraft and then he puts edited versions on his channel. it’s worth mentioning because during this one stream, he ends up slipping up and saying “we talk a lot, actually. and i—i like him a lot” about baz, then he blushes like hell because i really just said that and it’s live oh god

all the while, baz and simon actually just start hanging out (without hiding behind wanting to do a video). one meet-up, they go to disney world and halfway through baz is like “uh, should we be filming this?” and simon gives him a smile and replies, “no” because that moment is for them and them only + the fans who see them together and ask for a picture/just take pictures of them being like a couple

their next collab is a bit of a fun one. behind the scenes, pen, ag, si, and baz all become friends, because of that one time baz came over while penny was there and he barely payed attention to simon, too busy talking to penny. anyways, they do a big four person collab where agatha basically teaches them how to do makeup

on penny’s channel, it’s book related. they have to do a look based on the synopsis’ of each other’s favorite books. baz gets simon, simon gets agatha, agatha gets penny, penny gets baz. baz: “snow, you’re holding it wrong. it’s like this” simon: *stares longingly at the brush that gets to touch baz’s face*

on agatha’s, the video is just titled Teaching My Friends To Do Makeup (ft. idiots who test my patience). they all suck. majorly. well, by all, i mean simon and penny suck at makeup

on baz’s, they do a trivia of sorts. if they get a question wrong, they have to skip a product. simon: “oh thank god less work” agatha, deadpanning: “i think i might kill him”

on simon’s, they have agatha and penny go against simon and agatha. si and pen being the ones who have to actually do makeup because, according to agatha, “since you decided to bitch so much, you guys are doing our makeup” “but-!” “nope, I’m Peak Brains of us all so I call the shots” “you’re not even-” “shut up” Everybody (and by everybody i mean the fans) is actually glad that they got to see simon doing baz’s makeup, because it’s literally them just being so flustered the whole time

the collab stuns everybody bc: “they’re all friends??????” plus, some people start calling them the Four Fucks because at one point penny says “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and most importantly, fuck me” after simon flinged a bunch of eyeshadow on her

okay so agatha and penny are just like: “these idiots need to get together already” because it’s very obvious that they like each other. like the eiffel tower in paris, you can’t miss it. everyone watching the videos also sees it, so you can imagine the comments

during one of si’s live-streams (he’s playing the hunger games minigame on minecraft), the chat goes wild because baz pops in. he plans on surprising simon with a picnic (he just thought that they could go into simon’s backyard or the park that’s a few miles away), but it was pretty spur of the moment so he didn’t think about simon doing a stream. and to be honest, simon’s stream was also spur of the moment, so it’s not like he made sure to tell baz about it

“simon! hey, i let myself in!” baz called from the front doorway. the chat is freaking because: “is that baz???” “omg baz has a key to simon’s house!!” “are they dating???” simon kind of just freezes up and starts sputtering as he reads the chat and tries to reply to baz

of course, baz doesn’t understand that simon doesn’t want baz to go into his office/room with his computer, so he does go in and as soon as he sees the livestream he’s like: “oh, uh, I’ll go” and simon unfreezes and goes “no, no, stay, I’ll just be a bit” “do you want me to...leave the room?” “you can watch if you want” (baz wants) “okay, sure” so simon pretty much shows baz how to play minecraft

i never finished this, do i?

[cannoli-reader]

Dividing Robert Jordan’s “A Memory of Light”

A couple of times in recent months, the topic of Sanderson’s changes to the series has come up, and given me cause to think over his mistakes in how he divided the finale. Jordan clearly intended the story he laid out to be a single story, in one book, so I was dividing it, I’d do it into three volumes, intended to run together, without prologues and conclusions and the wind rising at the beginning of each. 

But if f the finale had to be in three separate books, it should have been, in my opinion, as follows (beyond the cut):

Book 12: The Breaking Storm 

(because “Gathering” is so trite and not really fitting this late)

Rand’s arc climaxes with the Dominion Bond incident, more use of the warder bonds to leave all three women horrified, Min traumatized by the incident, Aviendha fuming impotently at her separation from them and the Wise Ones’ harassment, Elayne dealing with a negative feedback loop of political fallout, as she tries to deal with Andor & Cairhien together, with a vague awareness of Rand’s deteriorating state shading everything for the worse.  Andoran problems should prevent her from giving Cairhien the attention it needs, Cairhienin issues drag her attention away from Andor just in time for more trouble to rear up, while she scrambles to find food for both countries. 

Mat should be having issues with managing the larger, reunited Band, maybe with some PTSD as alluded to at the end of KoD, when he says he no longer sees battles as gambling. He should struggle with a lot of setbacks and problems as he and Elayne try to get the cannon project going. His presence with the Band should cause her political difficulties, and his departure at the least convenient time for her. Maybe taking out the gholam at greater personal cost, and he’s freaked out, and can’t go after Moiraine yet. 

Perrin should have the Whitecloak conflict and reveal of Morgase, right away, get it over with, and then the Slayer thing comes up, and the Trolloc threat. His position at the end of the book should be impotence with the problem of the Berelain rumors blossoming among his people, remnants of Maseema’s people attacking and blaming him for the Prophet’s death, Perrin having developed an interest in saving the Children of the Light, but they aren’t about to cooperate and everything is going to get picked off by the Shadow, and Elayne is out for blood over his “rebellion” because so many other political problems have boxed her in and she can’t let another thing like this go.  There is just enough communication between his camp & Caemlyn to raise the stakes, not enough to be the basis for understanding.

Egwene’s story should see the Tower deteriorate more, with more splits and dissension in both the rebel camp and Tar Valon. Romanda and Lelaine’s conflict should come to a head, driving the older sisters back to the Tower, even while disgust at Elaida sends some loyalists out to the rebels.  More people should be listening to Egwene, only to find all their efforts uselessly stirring the pot, and the Seanchan attack destroys what unity is left.

The 13x13 plot should be out there and threatening Logain’s loyalists, with more interplay between Pevara’s group and Myrelle’s. Lan’s gathering of an army should be played less humorously and with more of a sense of ‘too little. too late’ and witnessing problems in the Borderlands, like political infighting, with lords the readers, but not the heroes, know are Darkfriends making their move more widespread than just Ituralde’s OTL problem at Maradon. 

Book 13: Towers of Darkness (or Shadow) (or Towers IN\AT Midnight)

The point is, that there should be some sort of sense of disaster and doom with the White Tower, Black Tower and Ghenji.  Maybe there could be scenes of Lan arriving at Malkier so the ruins of the Seven can play a part in the horror atmosphere. Groups and alliances discussed using metaphors of crumbling or toppling towers. That kind of thing.

Rand plunges deeper into Dark Rand, climaxing with his confrontation with Tam and beginning his sojourn among the Seanchan.

Egwene should be raised in the aftermath of a Seanchan attack that hits both the Tower and the rebels, maybe the groups coming together as they flee a literally burning White Tower.  It should be made abundantly clear that she’s only a compromise candidate, that all the sides are still fighting over who did what in the split. All they can agree on is that Elaida was bad and they have to work together, but blame each other for leaving so Elaida ran wild, or staying & supporting her administration and both sides expect the other to do more compromising, and this is just a shitty thankless job she has to shoulder.  The physical reclaiming of the Tower and cleanup efforts should be a recurring background issue, with emphasis on the destruction and now-crummy living conditions, but Egwene is making them stay in the battered shell of the Tower, rather than split up in the city, which would invite dissent. She’s trying to present a strong face to the rest of the world, but running into problems with the nations, both because of the Tower’s long neglect of the rest of the world for their own squabbles and because the Tower’s old habits of supremacy stumble against new bases of loyalty centered on Rand or other institutions.  Egwene can make things worse for Elayne and vice versa.

Rand and Egwene’s encounter should be in this book, when he’s still Dark Rand. His Merrilor notice should be more of an ultimatum, with Egwene’s efforts to gather the rulers and armies to have the sense of a last-ditch effort to confront him when he needs to be stood up to, and to try to salvage something if Rand goes full evil or insane. That way it seems less like a wrong-headed mistrust of her old friend. She also is fighting Mesaana and the Black Ajah, with more of an ongoing guerilla thing, rather than one big battle in one night. 

Perrin should be having all the Slayer conflicts in this one has he tries to bring all his people back together to fight the Shadow threats and hold off a war with Andor or the Children of the Light.

Mat should be stalling on the Moiraine thing out of accumulated trauma from the gholam and recent campaigns, belated loss of self-confidence from being Tylin’s Toy. He goes to Tuon, and even that turns bad when he realizes how things are with Rand and that his wife is getting ready to go to war with his best friend and maybe hears plans as well to go after Perrin and the Whitecloak “deserters”, maybe he encounters some damane he recognizes from the White Tower or even Elaida herself.  His moment of getting back on track should be deciding to go to Ghenji with Thom & Noal, and the climax should be the adventure there, with him losing his eye, and they get out in a less than awesome state, just sitting there in the Mountains like ‘now what’. 

Elayne’s political difficulties escalate, though she manages to get the crown of Cairhien settled, only for the Trolloc attack on Caemlyn, and Talmanes and Aludra barely escaping while the city burns. 

The Black Tower breaks into open warfare, Ituralde’s situation in the Borderlands deteriorates, there is a schism among the Aiel, maybe the siswai’aman start getting a little more Maseema-like in their beliefs, turning against the Wise Ones and clan chiefs for lying about Rhuidean all this time.  Aviendha plays a role in that, decides she’s a Wise One, goes to Rhuidean, has the bad future visions, where the current Aiel conflict is shown to come to fruition in the successive generation, and the world is a harsher, most nasty place in the wake of Rand’s victory, because he did it wrong. The alliance that won Tarmon Gaidon is falling out and the Aiel are taking sides with or preying on different wetlander factions, before the Seanchan crusade becomes their new unifying element. There should be a sense that the Raven Empire is doing what the original conquerors did in Seanchan, unifying a broken and conflict-ridden land and the Aiel are only exacerbating the conflict. 

Everything sucks, but a few people are still determined to keep trying. Lan, Perrin, Egwene, Nynaeve, Elayne, Tuon, Logain.  Mat, Moiraine & Thom have a technical win under their belt. That’s as good as it gets.

Book 14: A Memory of Light

Rand’s vision is failing as he spends more time wandering among the Seanchan and Tinkers with more of a “I’m done with all your bullshit” tupe of mindset.  He hears about problems going on in the rest of the world, sees collared Aes Sedai and even recognizably Aiel captives, and can’t care less, he’s going here and there weaving preparations for something big that’s going to kill everyone in the area in one dramatic burst of the Power when he triggers it with the Choedan Kal, and he’s doing the same thing in Bandar Eban, around Far Madding and the Borderlanders, in Tarabon and maybe even the Black Tower. But eventually something cracks and we get Dragonmount. 

Perrin finally makes some headway in getting people together, winning back trust, and he’s on the verge of rescuing the Whitecloaks, when he forges the new hammer, which is closely tied in with Rand on Dragonmount, even inspired by his witnessing of it. 

Mat and Moiraine’s recovery is likewise tied to Rand’s epiphany. Maybe Rand comes looking for them thanks to ta’veren vision, and helps them get over their ‘Finn trauma. A symbolic first act of Healing. He goes with Mat to make amends with Tuon, reunites with Tam, goes to the rescue of the Borderlands & Lan.

Perrin & Galad come to the rescue in Andor, Elayne is dealing with the mess of Caemlyn, and small armies start showing up, the results of her campaigning as seen in CoT, and a massive relief force comes from Cairhien, with commoners and craftsmen saying “You fed us, now we’ll feed you”. Food comes up the rivers in Zaida’s ships.  Elayne brings the Borderlanders from Far Madding to help contain the Trollocs.  She ends up as the focal point of a large cooperative effort, with the Kin as the One Power muscle for her group. Needless to say, the turning point of this stuff should be tied into Dragonmount. Elayne’s & Perrin’s peace agreement is based more of cooperation, rather than who is entitled to what. 

Egwene defeats Mesaana, thanks to Perrin bringing the dreamspike on his way to Dragonmount to back up Rand, and now people are cooperating more afterwards.  Likewise with Logain’s victory at the Black Tower, which more of a group effort with Logain as the public face, and not the Androl’s Big Adventure we actually got. Loial should also succeed in persuading the Stump after Dragonmount.

And then, just when things are looking up, the attacks begin. The scheduled meeting at Merrilor is much more of a “quick, let’s get together, there’s no time left” vibe. Moiraine’s return is less dramatic, but she does move Rand & Egwene past a minor sticking point. Rand meets the Borderland rulers for their little test thing.  Elayne’s ascension as supreme commander is more of an organic thing, because of the connections she’s forged among so many groups, that she’s the only major leader known to the Borderlanders, the Aiel, and the Sea Folk, is related by marriage to the King of Tear, rules Andor and Cairhien, who are now buddies from fighting together, and the fact that she’s been fighting this whole time.  That way the political storylines mean something, rather than Rand just appointing her because his old Aes Sedai friend said so, and the rulers are all standing around wondering what these people are talking about but going along because the protagonists said so. 

[breanna-lynn]

I’ve had some light shed on my heart since I wrote my last personal post on here.

I realize now a large part of what has been bothering me is that these people who mistreated me, blew up, attacked me, turned awfully on me and betrayed who I thought they were supposed to be to me after I’d only been kind to them...none of that was my fault, and the fact that I’ve let it bother me SO BADLY is my own fault.

See, I feel it’s unjust they were so hateful toward me and I didn’t understand HOW they could be that way when I’d only been a kind, loving friend who generously poured into them. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!!?

But that’s because I have this theory in my mind that’s incorrect about how relationships work.

I think that if I’m nice, kind, loving, I never rock the boat, I swallow and put behind me everything hurtful or wrong someone does, or if I tried to address things as nicely as possible to people, that when they respond in ANY negative way, it creates this guilt on me that I was somehow wrong if they attack me- even if I know what they’re saying about me is false and wrong, even malicious.

The issue is I value them being happy with me way too much. I value pleasing them and want them to still like me and I do all I can to be kind, considerate, nice, sensitive...I’m too nice.

Yes, too nice.

I’m the nicest fucking person you will ever meet!

And now, I’m not proud of that quality. Because in order to be so nice, I often shove my true feelings down and smooth things over before I get a chance to be blunt or honest about my own hurt with the people who hurt me.

I DON’T TELL THEM like I should. 

Even my break-up, I spent an hour seeking God and preparing myself to be loving before we had “the conversation”. I focused on forgiveness and being loving and speaking truth and life to the person who’d LITERALLY waited until I got on an airplane home to break up with me instead of doing it to my face even though we both knew he was going to, and who deeply betrayed my trust and disrespected my boundaries and made me feel less pure by blantantly crossing a physical/sexual boundary I clearly, firmly, repeatedly communicated to him. Yet I was the one focused on his feelings, when it forced me to hide my own raw pain and I didn’t get my chance to fully express to extent of the hurt he caused me. It inhibited my own healing. 

And I’ve been doing this my whole fucking life. Minimizing myself and dismissing my own feelings to avoid someone thrashing out at me when I tell them what they did was shitty and i didn’t like it. Like why can’t I say that?

Because I thought it was not nice.

Well, you can still be a loving, kind, caring person and speak the truth and be honest. You should NEVER have to fake or cover how you truly feel just out of fear.

And that is why these reactions where people didn’t care or attacked ME instead when I brought up their behavior as problematic were SO traumatizing for me. That response of them being upset at ME when I was the one with the right to be upset and foergoing it to be nice in how I approached them about the issue was my greatest fear. I sacrificed my true feelings to consider theirs. 

Listen, you don’t have to have blantant disregard for the feelings other others, but your feelings matter. You matter. And if you need to be honest and express something, don’t be afraid of how the other person is going to choose to take it. YOU CAN’T CONTROL THAT. They can be offended or upset or accuse you falsely or attack your character. That is their choice. It sucks to get that kind of response and feel uncared for, but listen- you will create lifelong tension and resentment if you don’t say what you believe you need to + instead choose fear or pleasing others because you want to avoid the discomfort and think you know what they will think. 

What do you want? Are you being real? Are you be direct, honest, truthful? Or do you hide your true feelings, opinions, desires, ideas, etc? 

Authenticity allows others to see and know the real you and in turn allows you to feel love and connection. Some people will disagree out of self-protection and saving face and not admit when they’re wrong when you stand up for yourself or address their actions. You can forgive them and move on, but please, don’t rob yourself of the chance to be honest if you need to be and you care about the relationship.

Idk. I’m in a frenzy of thoughts and feelings and lightbulbs, and I just want to say that it’s okay to be your best self, to be kind, loving, caring, generous, and NOT BE THE NICE GIRL no matter what because you think you have to always be “nice”. 

I’d say 110% that I’m always SO considerate and nice; I minimize and hush myself, reduce myself, hide myself. I am guilty of seeking to please people because I care about their feelings and thoughts- it’s my idea of caring about them and I thought, oh, I’m putting others first and I prided myself in never showing I was angry or upset. I thought being considerate made me good, nice, kind, made people feel loved and was selfless. The world has enough selfish people and cruel people.

Well, nice is different than compassion, kindness, lovel especially when you try your hardest to be nice but then always feel anxious, guilty, fustrated, stressed out al ot, overwhelmed, irratated, and even secretly less loving and burnt out over time as I stray further and further from my authentic self just to please people and have them like me. FUCK THAT. 

“The opposite of nice is not being a jerk or asshole...the opposite of nice is being real.” - Dr. Aziz

That one hit me. My mistake is I haven’t been real with people out of fear. 

“Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of fear of displeasing others and receiving their disapproval.”

I’m pretty fucking terrified apparently. I’m ready to get free of my fear. i’M READY to be real, authentic, unashamed, the most powerful version of myself, be able to brush of negative comments of others, regain my freedom to express myself and to stop worrying about how others will react.

I’m ready to reclaim who I really am, even if I have fear thinking about how others will respond and worry even now that I will never overcome my guilt, fear, anxiety when it comes to people.

Why have I prioritized so long being nice? It’s all about being liked by others and making everything smooth- no friction; anticipate, observe, analyze others’ needs and wants, giving them everything they want while believing that if I don’t create any discomfort then they will like me, love me, think well of me.

This belief of niceness isn’t even like Jesus. He wasn’t “nice”. He flipped tables. He expressed anger. He called people out. He didn’t hide or shrink himself.

Yes, He was crucified for it, but at least he stayed true to who He was, what He believed, and was still kind, caring, attentive, generous, loving, did things for others, stretched Himself to give even when it was hard, and was the kind of leader, Savior, Rabbai, etc that He wanted to be- one that honored His Father in heaven. He didn’t walk in fear or self doubt, and He certainly didn’t live to please others or tiptoe around their feelings and opinions. He didn’t live in fear of what they would think.

Neither. should. I.

I want to be fierce, determined, courageous, and full contact with life and other humans. This fear has inhibited my relationships so badly. It’s kept me from being vulnerable, honest, and from sharing myself on  a deep level. I’m scared to be vulnerable and I’ve blamed the people who’ve hurt and betrayed me for destroying my trust, but the true thing I let my decision to trust them create self-doubt. I started doubting my ability to choose who I can trust because of how I believed people were my friends or whatever only to later discover they only cared about themselves and it hurt because I truly loved them and gave so much to care for them. 

Pray for me that God heals this area in me and gives me freedom from all of this. I suffer in my friendships because I hae hidden behind a polite wall of fear. I’m afraid my past experiences will become my every experience and I do everything I can to avoid it but keep running into people like this, and that’s no on me I attract them- maybe they sense that I’m nice and they can use me because of it. Idk. But I’m done. I’m ready to change. 

The thing is, in relationships it’s healthy to be upset, angry, irritated, hurt, even experience discomfort or not being happy or disagreeing with the other person. So why do I try to avoid people reacting that way? When my own husband and I, who are the best of friends, have been open and honest when we feel all these things and are never afraid to be vulnerable and truthful when we are? Because we both have a good sense of who each of us is and know that person is committed to understand and loving us.

Not everyone is.

And guess what? That’s not on ME or YOU if someone does not want to understand or love you. That is their inability, their choice, their decision. And not everyone has to. So respect it and move on, because there will be people who want to understand and love you and allow you to be honest and truthful and embrace you. 

[jupiterjunebug]

WHERE'S THE WEREWOLF ESSAY, OP??

@malaloba @bisexualducknewton You also dared me to say this so you get a tag

Okay so fun facts about Tyler Keegan Casey (I literally just wanted to make a joke about Tyler Casey abbreviating to Tyler K.C):

His parents, Edgar Casey and Rebecca Wilson, got married at 18. Their reasoning was "hey, we've been together all of high school, we still like each other, and I think our kids would be really hot." A bit of the shine wore off for Rebecca, though, when it turned out Edgar inherited a controlling streak from his parents. He got it in his head that his growth as a person required moving as far away from tiny little Casper, WV as he could. Which was fine, and would've been true if he’d put any actual EFFORT into growing up, except he made that decision without consulting his wife. Family was the most important thing in the world for her, which meant she didn't want to leave. Unfortunately, family was the most important thing in the world to her, and Edgar was technically her family.As far away as possible turned out to be Fortville, Indiana. At around 3000 people, it was certainly bigger than Casper, but much smaller than Edgar's ambitions. Unfortunately, they'd run out of gas, and got stuck in town long enough for Rebecca to work up her courage and deliver an ultimatum: they were eight hours from Casper, close enough to drive over, and she'd live no further away than that.Tyler was born a few years later and grew up the only "daughter" of the household, pretty in a generic way and polite to a fault. His homesick mama taught him that he'd know when he found his people on account of the decision to give up everything for them would only hurt a little. His pyramid-scheme chasing daddy taught him that the key to success is for people to think you're one of their people, and who gives a shit if it's true or not?Up until he was twenty he was a full-on social chameleon: he wore the closest thing he could get to the "right" clothes, he did his hair in the "right" way, he laughed at the right jokes and had a crush on all the right boys. Third runner up for prom queen, dated at least three members in the football team (the breakups were never his fault, of course. He'd take a relationship as far as the other person wanted, he only dated them because they wanted to date him after all), popular but not so popular for people to consider him a threat.Every holiday, Tyler and his mama went off to Casper to visit her family. That meant he ended up at the kids table with his two younger cousins Franc ( @keplersheetz) and Vicki. Franc and Vicki were practically sisters, Franc lived with Vicki's parents whenever her ma was off dealing with her host of mental issues, which meant that Tyler was kind of the third wheel.

Tyler ended up the responsible one, and town gossip went on about how they hoped he'd be a good influence, because wasn't he just a perfect little child? Gossip about Franc went on about how she was wild, about how she didn't follow rules, if she wasn't careful she'd end up just like her mother and didn't Vicki's parents worry about if she was a bad influence? No one gossiped about Vicki at all.

It created a weird circle of jealousy, where Tyler envied Franc for having the guts to be herself, Franc worried that Vicki would end up liking Tyler better than her, and Vicki wished somebody might talk about her instead of other people’s “influence” on her. In general, Tyler and Franc didn't get along on account of they were very different and had no interests in common, but when you spend months each year as an obligatory playmate you end up developing at least a little fondness.Tyler went to Indiana University Bloomington, close enough to home for both his parents and also in possession of a Bachelors program for early childhood education. He quickly acquired a job at the library, a reputation as "a pleasure to have in class," an overcommitment to several clubs, and a thoroughly mediocre boyfriend. He also ended up in two classes with and as a coworker to Monet, ( @pleasekalemenow). In sophomore year, the two were roommates and in three classes together, which was haha a funny coincidence. Then in Spring term Tyler had a stress breakdown and Monet was so thrown by composed, fake-ass Tyler losing his shit over something completely minor that she ended up sitting with him for four hours and now they're best friends.In the summer before Junior year he was like "hey wait a fucking second, if I'm completely changing my personality around other people so that they'll like me...do they actually like me?" and decided that fuck it, I'm going to just have my own personality and work my hardest to make it so people find that person likable. The most obvious shift - aside from him breaking up with his mediocre boyfriend and quitting half of his clubs - was coming out as, you know, a dude.

His parents didn't really...get it? His mom continues to this day to treat it as something she supports but just can't understand, and his dad kind of took it as a personal attack because his dad is a self-obsessed jackass. The rest of the family didn't really express an opinion on any of this, on account of Vicki had a baby and Franc ran away from home just a little while later. Compared to having a daughter under 18 and just straight up disappearing, being trans wasn't all that embarrassing to them.Things went pretty decent for half of Junior year. Then one day while he was watching a kindergarten class, the last kid to be picked up at the end of the day turned into an eldritch horror and ate the other student teacher. The FBI’s Paranormal Research and Investigation division showed up and was like "hey I'm pretty sure you can guess that we're going to tell you to keep this hush hush, so keep this fucking hush hush." Tyler went "wow you know I don't like being kept in the dark about all this," so he changed his major to criminal justice and worked his ass off to graduate at the same time as everyone else. Then he joined the FBI, and when they were interviewing him he dropped some line about "oh, I saw something once and the, uh, I think it was PRI? Said that it was top secret dangerous business. I'd like to solve murders like that :)" and the PRI kind of went "well...I guess? we can hire? Him? He did a god job on all of his exams...we have no reason not to."At around this time he played the love interest in Monet's breakout limited access TV show, Once Upon a Cryptid. This show eventually gained Dr. Horrible levels of cult-classic fame, and Tyler is eternally thankful that T has at this point changed his look enough that no one really recognizes him beyond people he talks to on case being like "haha isn't it funny that you look kind of like actor Tyler Casey and you're an FBI agent just like his character?" And he just says "haha yeah I get that a lot :)"The PRI was also like "hey can you keep an eye on this person who is causing trouble with conspiracy theory shit?" Tyler says "uh yeah, sure? Anything I should know?" And the PRI is like "well it's your cousin, but other than that, nah, glhf :)"Tyler found this situation Vaguely Uncomfortable, so instead of being actually good at his job he took this opportunity to leave reminders to eat and warnings to keep her head down when she overreached. They were all signed with "The FBI Agent That's Watching You Right Now" and wow isn't it fucked up that they're closer as anonymous FBI stalker and conspiracy theorist than they were as proper childhood playmates? It fucks me up sometimes.Five years before the game starts, he goes on an investigation into what may or may not be a supernatural murderer. While in the area he runs into August Caraway ( @transagentstern), who is. Super his type. He immediately starts finding excuses to spend time w/ the hot, sensitive, painter, asking August to be his guide around the area. And also if he could see that painting that August is working on because it sounds really :) great :). Eventually he comes to the conclusion that the long periods of time between attacks and the COD indicate either a werewolf attack or a very patient predator. He goes "well, it's the new moon tonight...so if I take August out on a da-I MEAN INVESTIGATION into that clearing in the woods it'll be safe."Spoilers! It isn't!They get attacked by a werewolf. Tyler says "well, I'm an FBI agent so I should be the one to sacrifice myself" and tries to shoot the werewolf. It quickly takes him to the ground, but hey! At least August has time to run! Except instead of running, August goes up to try and save Tyler. Which ends in them both getting bitten before the silver bracelets August always wears fend the thing off. August manages to drag Tyler to civilization before losing consciousness, and the two wake up in separate hospitals. August is told Tyler got sent to a special FBI hospital, but is fine. Tyler is told August got tired of waiting around for him to wake up and left. (More fun facts: this happened the day before Pigeon's birthday! Wow! Terrible)Tyler is kept under observation for the rest of the month, just to make sure he's fine. He is, of course, not fine. The PRI is super stoked to have access to someone who is fully willing to spend the rest of his month j chillin' and then come in on the full moons, on account of most of the werewolves they have access to are ones they caught and have to keep hold of all the time. Which, like, unlawfully contained civilians are a shitty baseline.So, despite having research in their name, the PRI kinda fucking sucks at research. Their methodology is to just try shit until they figure out 1. How to kill the monster and 2. How to spot the affliction/how it progresses. They are perfectly aware of how to kill werewolves, so really all they do is stage observations under different stress conditions to play “how to spot a werewolf”.

Every experiment is just put them in a cage with moonlight access, see whether the transformation is faster/slower when the person has a certain diet/fitness level/etc. Most of the subjects can’t leave bc they’d run away and are also liable to transform sometimes which is inconvenient.

The PRI isn't especially concerned about Tyler, because they know one of the conditions for a transformation is high stress and if there's one thing he's good at it's completely repressing an anxiety attack, so he's able to pretty much do his job aside from the whole "locked up under the full moon" thing. Of course, he's ostracized by his coworkers on account of he's like. Literally a monster. But that's fine! He has Monet! Who he never tells anything about all this because he doesn't want to worry her, and also because her brother (coincidentally August, though Tyler doesn't know that) died around the time of his attack and he doesn't want her to blame herself for never trying to come see him.Good things that happen in these 5 years: he has an amicable relationship with Franc. He gets good at his job. He and Monet discover that the uncanny coincidences which led to them always having classes together carry over into their adult life, and they constantly run into each other while performing their respective jobs. She sometimes invites him to parties to stop men from hitting on her, and because he looks vaguely like Jake Gyllenhaal (that's Tyler's face claim) they get to laugh about all the tabloid rumors that Monet is dating Jake.The bad news is Tyler never had access to the other werewolves prior to the attack (it wasn't his division, and he wasn't usually in a position to take anything alive) which means he's never been around to see a new one, to watch the arc of their deterioration. Usually it goes like this: they wake up, alone and naked in a room with only a bed, a desk, and an uncomfortable wooden chair. They are given clothing by an FBI agent, sometimes that agent is sympathetic, sometimes sneering, but usually expressionless. Each full moon they transform, and remember nothing of it save pain, hunger, and the feeling of their claws digging into the metal walls. Fear is a trigger for transformation, as is anger. They are always afraid, always angry. Eventually, it becomes rare to see them in their human forms.The PRI is fucking stupid. A reasonable person might say "duh, werewolves turn when they're scared, maybe if we put them someplace less scary they'll stop turning so much." Instead, they write in their notes, the notes Tyler receives, "we're fairly certain that, at some point, the humanity of a werewolf is completely lost." He only sees werewolves that have not been human in months, or even years. Or, he sees the ones who are even worse off.The worse news is that Tyler is told there's a cure. Sometimes, the PRI manages to poke and prod at a werewolf and for reasons we just don't understand they never transform again. So he doesn't argue with the tests, and even if he writes a will he doesn't tell Monet anything because he might be fine, and he doesn't want to worry her. He throws himself into his work and into making Monet happy, because he wants to make sure that if he is lost he leaves a legacy. There's something to prove that Tyler Casey's existence was justified.Then he finds out what the cure entails. It's not recovery, not at all; it's pushing someone so hard, making them so afraid, that their body can't take being afraid anymore. A person who’s too tired to feel doesn't shift, not even under the full moon, because the werewolf's state of mind is defined by the person's emotions before it happens (so if someone was actually CALM, really truly calm, then they'd manage to control it, but hunger and anger and fear can all throw that out of wack). If the person is numb, there is nothing for the curse to react to.Tyler Casey would rather die after trying his hardest than live longer but not be able to do anything. So, when he manages to find a job opening at The Askar Foundation, a secret society with more funding and more knowledge than the FBI could ever hope for, he has no qualms spilling the PRI's secrets in exchange for a position as a field agent.As you can probably guess, August, Monet, and Franc are all there as well. The circumstances of their recruitment were significantly less...consensual than his (Monet and Franc recently saw too much and got pressganged in, and after nearly killing Franc while transformed August got dragged in for Askar's own brand of tests). This leads to a veritable five layer dip of fucking drama:1. Franc and Tyler have a private conversation which leads to the revelation of several character secrets on both their parts. This ends when Tyler and Franc both insist that they saw different things during one of the scenes. Franc has always had the ability to tell when people lie to her, but she is also convinced she's right about their topic of conversation (which uh, she IS right, so). That means that, despite the fact that she can't feel him lying, he MUST be. She's convinced that he's had the supernatural ability to get around her own uncanny powers this whole time, and thus they engaged in a Comedy of Errors where instead of mistaken identities it’s Tyler saying things that further convince Franc he's trying to manipulate the entire team2. The Askar foundation would very much like to keep their shiny new field agent, and also Tyler still has connections to the FBI and him snitching to them would be.........inconvenient. So they're willing to put effort, within reason, into making sure he doesn't find out anything that might cause problems, like the fact that August is a kind of monster Tyler has a massive vendetta against. Or uh...anything else that might make him question them. This leads to3. Askar shutting down a conversation between him and Monet, leading to her concluding that talking about their past experiences with the supernatural OR the workings of Askar will never go well. (Exacerbated by the fact that Askar had already been trying to keep her from finding out shit about her brother) 4. Consequently, Monet will no longer talk to him about deep personal topics if they lead back to these things at ALL5. Franc ended up in a romantic entanglement w/ the monster of the week, who is a shapeshifter unwillingly being used to bring about...the apocalypse. He thinks the reason she doesn’t trust him is because she figured out he was a werewolf, and doesn’t trust him/is keeping an eye on him so she can put him down when he becomes dangerous. So he thinks she hates him bc he’s a shapeshifter that has no control over himself, but then she’s fine with...the OTHER shapeshifter that has no control over himself.6. August thinks Tyler hates werewolves because of the attack, and is afraid to enter a relationship with him because he wouldn't be able to keep his condition a secret7. Tyler refuses to let himself entertain notions of actually DATING August, because Tyler thinks he's going to die and doesn't want to hurt even MORE people when he goes8. Tyler and Monet platonically love each other so much and are also living together in Seinfeld's mansion that she stole the keys to, and Tyler is an idiot which means August thinks Tyler wants to date Monet (August's SISTER)So tl;dr, Tyler thinks that after Franc gained access to more Askar files she suddenly doesn't trust him (he assumes she knows he's a werewolf), he knows that Monet suddenly doesn't want to TALK to him and knows that if he discovers anything suspicious he thus cannot tell her, and he knows he......really, really, REALLY is starting to enjoy August's companyThis means that conversations oscillate between Tyler being professionally friendly with all his coworkers, Franc interpreting something random as a personal attack, Monet deeply wishing she could tell Tyler something, and then a completely stupid conversation where Tyler and August are flirting about something stupid and getting cockblocked by Tyler's hangups and August remembering that as far as he's concerned Tyler and Monet should get together.Oh and also Askar definitely is fucking with his head at least once a session.

[realredraven]

COD:WWII Can Suck A Cock

Call of Duty: WWII

TLDR: Historical revisionism is bad and Sledgehammer Games should feel bad.

Holy shit. SO many issues. The thing I want to touch on the most though, is historical revisionism. The definition of historical revisionism is as follows:

In historiography, the term historical revisionism identifies the re-interpretation of the historical record. It usually means challenging the orthodox views held by professional scholars about a historical event, or introducing new evidence, or of restating the motivations and decisions of the participant people.

TLDR: Winners write the historical record, but people will challenge the record.

For example, in COD:WWII the main enemy is very clearly the NSDAP aka the NAZI party, but there is a distinct lack of swastikas.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly advocating for more swastikas in our day to day lives, but let’s not pretend that the NAZI party didn’t use the swastika as their literal emblem. Yeah, I get that they co-opted a Hindu symbol and that we shouldn’t shit on architecture that has swastikas on it because it’s not inherently “NAZI”, but lets also not pretend that the swastika hasn’t been fully conflated with the NAZI party. COD:WWII goes to a painful extent to avoid using a swastika. There are campaign maps AND multiplayer maps that take place in NAZI held territory and there is not a single swastika to be found. In place of the swastika is the Iron Cross. Which, while associated with NAZI Germany is also associated with the German military in general. I get where they’re coming from (kind of). They’re trying to remove swastikas because they don’t want to seem as though they are glorifying Nazism. The issue I take here is that by removing the abundance of swastikas it’s almost as if the swastika didn’t exist or was not clearly the main emblem of the NAZI party/military. Again, I understand not wanting to glorify the swastika, but displaying things in a historically inaccurate manor is revisionist and taking away from the horror that was the NAZI regime. Speaking of NAZI atrocities…

Why is the game pretending that the SS never existed? Aside from the issue that I have with the fact that you can choose from a multitude of “allied” uniforms and you are relegated to whatever NAZI uniform fits with your class, at the beginning of the “War” game modes it will literally tell you what branch and division of the NAZI army you are representing. Of all the War maps, the NAZI forces represented are the Wehrmacht and one shitty Luftwaffe division. I say “shitty” because the Luftwaffe was a fucking joke lead by an incompetent asshole. Hitler wouldn’t replace him because Nazism demanded that people loyal to the party retain their positions… But I digress (Nazism is retarded). The idea that the SS didn’t exist and play a real role in the war trivializes the level of resistance that the Allied forces faced from them on both the West and, more importantly, Eastern fronts. Along with the removal of any swastika traces, there is also a distinct lack of hammers and sickles…

While the campaign (for some fucking reason) focuses solely on one Texas farm boy, the multiplayer has a more international feel. The unfortunate part is that it is totally neutered! Every battle is not only labeled as “Allies vs Axis” but the Axis is always Nazi Germany (where the fuck is Japan or Italy???) and the Allies are comprised of whatever class “skins” you’ve unlocked. To the game’s credit there are skins for the Red Army, US Army/Navy, UK Army, and resistance factions from France, Poland, Italy, Russia (when the fuck did the US Army fight alongside the Red Army? Spoiler alert, they didn’t’, but don’t let COD tell you that). But holy shit if you’re looking for anything Soviet related, good fucking luck. It’s almost as if the game creators want to forget that the downfall of Nazism was a joint effort between the Western and Eastern fronts!  Like, they’re totally ready to include Russia itself in the discussion but good luck finding anything even remotely related to a  hammer and or sickle. I literally had to make my own hammer/sickle/wreath emblem since the game is literally allergic to anything but Americana. But then again, the game seems to want to forget that the war was against Nazism and would prefer you think the war was against Germany! So at least they’re shitting on both sides… Which has some…interesting implications. In the vein of the nations involved I am wondering where Japan is in this whole thing.

Among all the previously mentioned nations and skins, there is no mention of the Imperial Japanese Army. You can choose to use the Type 100 (Japanese sub-machine gun) but good luck finding a map or game mode that even remotely involves the Japanese Empire.  I could understand excluding them, (JK no I couldn’t, the war covered multiple theaters, and everyone deserves representation) but if you’re going to include the weapon of a nation then you should include the nation itself. Did Japan suddenly not play a part in the war? Did we not fight the Imperial Japanese Army up and down the Pacific Theater? HAS PEARL HARBOR SUDDENLY GONE AWAY? That may be hyperbolic, but the point still stands. Don’t include the weapons of an empire if you aren’t going to include the actual empire! This about sums up (for now) my issues with the multiplayer aspects of the game. Everything from here on out is about the campaign missions.

In the campaign the main character (MC) that you play as some Texan that is apparently the American Dream. White, straight, and with a pregnant girl (the kid is his, Jodie need not apply) at home waiting for him. Oh, also, apparently this Texan from the 1940’s is a paragon of social justice. Not saying it’s impossible, but, come the fuck on guys... I’ll be honest, that isn’t even my biggest gripe. In the second mission of the game the MC is talking with his squad mates about who among professional boxers (Schmeling and LaMotta) would win. MC firmly disagrees with the opinion of the token racist character (Aiello) that “Schmeling would KO LaMotta” and says “No way. And Schmeling’s a NAZI. I’d shoot him in a heartbeat”.  Aiello responds by saying “They (the NAZIs) made him their poster boy, that guy didn’t have a choice”. MC very clearly responds by saying “We all got a choice”.  Now, on its face I don’t take issue with this sentiment. I am very much in the camp of “everyone has a choice”, however the issue is that in about 120 seconds you are going to see this same MC backtrack on his own statement. At the end of the cutscene everyone piles on to some tanks and starts making their way down the road. They cross the remnants of a NAZI patrol, some of the NAZI soldiers are still on fire. After someone mentions BBQ and the lack of opportunity for an open casket the MC says “Hey, that’s somebody’s son”. Like, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO “We all got a choice?!”. Where did this sudden sympathy for the NAZI’s that “had a choice” come from??? Dude is less than a kilometer away from where he was saying that everyone has a choice about being a NAZI and now he’s expressing sympathy for the same NAZIs? Come the fuck on, dudes. Shit is stupid. This is just bad storytelling. I am not against the idea that he’s relating to the dead soldiers on a combatant to combatant level, but he very clearly just stated that being a NAZI is a choice that one makes but now he’s expressing sympathy and demanding reverence for the same people that apparently made the choice to be NAZI soldiers? What the fuck kind of writing is this.

 Ok, I’m shithoused at this point and something just came to mind that I wanted to bitch about because, to me, this is the epitome of “road to hell paved with good intentions”.  In the aforementioned “war” mode you are either on the (for some reason) amalgamous Allied forces or the Axis forces (read as NAZIS and only NAZIS because no one else was ever against the Allies… Ever.. Look it up, it’s in your history books). In this game mode you must either defend or attack a series of objectives. The game mode is pretty dope if I’m being totally honest. My issue comes from the post-mission cutscenes. In one or more of the missions if the NAZIs win then they will show them peacefully escorting the “Allied” prisoners out of the area and if the “Allied” forces win it will show the “Allied” forces firing upon the Axis troops as they run away. Now, on it’s face, I’m totally cool with this as I am totally in the “shoot NAZIs no matter how or where” camp. But I feel like there’s a problem here. The intention was most likely to not show US troops being shot in the back. The issue with this is that you end up portraying the NAZIs as sympathetic and the “Allies” as the only ones that shoot people that run away. Aside from the fact that this is taking place during a war (literally in the context of the game mode). So this whole thing ends up turning on itself in the sense that you don’t want to portray the NAZIs in a positive light but you  also don’t want to show “Allied” troops getting shot. Can’t have it both ways, bros. Pick a narrative and stick to it.

At the end of all this, I’m drunk and you’re a dick. Fight me.

[guessmonsta]

I'VE BEEN WAITING TO ASK THIS FOR SO LONG But Scenario where Tendou is kinda teasing his s/o about her anxiety disorder and she usually just laughs it off but he accidentally hits really close to home and she just snaps and ends up calling him " a monster"? You can take this wherever you want but can it have a fluffy ending? I dunno I love your blog I've heard from many mutuals that you're the woman to go to for quality Tendou's gah thank you

I’ve actually never written a fight on this blog??? This should be interesting? Also, mdr, “the woman to go to for quality Tendou,” as if Tendou is a drug and I’m a dealer. Well… I mean… metaphorically… I suppose… witty…

Also Tendou has a roommate?? Can he be classified as an OC? He doesn’t have a name? 

Also it takes place in the same universe as this thing everyone loves just to let you know ack I”M RAMBLING SORRY

__ was always patient. Perhaps, Tendou pondered, that was what made them so compatible. She had always been so unwaveringly tolerant of the way he ran his mouth, whether he was over-enthused or over-thinking, Tendou couldn’t think of one time where she hadn’t been calm. Although Tendou knew tempests arise out of the calmest tropical waters, and he swam out too far and got caught in one.

“__, how’s it feel?”

__ barely spared him a glance as her eyes darted between him and the textbook she was studying. Friday nights had become a ritual between them; him wanting to do anything that didn’t involve himself being alone, and her much rather utilizing her time with her nose in a book. She’d come over, study, or at least, try to with him occupying the space next to her on the bed. There had been an odd feeling in Tendou’s gut all day now, and watching her comb through pages made him even more uneasy.

“How does what feel?” She said, albeit absent. Tendou figured he could’ve said anything then and she wouldn’t really pick up on it.

“To be so anxious all the time?”

She had definitely heard him, though. She was used to questions like this, she had to have been, by now, at least. She furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at him, the softness of her face turning downwards.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She pondered, rolling her eyes and directing her attention back on her book. Tendou didn’t fail to notice the way her grip tightened around the edges of the cover, though. Her knuckles were practically white.

“It means exactly what you think it means. Does it suck to be afraid of everything?” He waited for her standoffish, sarcastic remark to come, they usually came flying in seconds after he had insulted her, but there was nothing, silence. The only noise was the sudden dull ‘thump’ of heavy pages closing in on each other.

“I… I’m not really afraid of everything. It’s… it’s complex in the way that-”

“Oh? Are you stuttering?” Tendou laughed, which he shouldn’t have, because the already crooked expression on her face tensed up even more. “Am I making you anxious?”

“Why are you acting like this?” The tone of her voice was broken just above a whisper. She was looking straight at him a minute ago but now she didn’t even dare look up in his general direction. Her fingers slipped off the side of the bed and started feeling around for the straps of her bag. Her eyes never left their place on the floor.

“Acting like what?” Tendou scooted closer to her, only for her to stand up, immediately, and almost topple over. “Oh, __, don’t tell me your social anxiety is getting so bad that you can’t even talk to your own boyfriend, hm?”

The room was silent for a moment, her back turned to his and the only noise to be heard was the soft tick-ticks of his roommates clock. The noise to break the monotony was a sniffle, just loud enough to be heard, and Tendou wasn’t sure it was coming from her or him.

“__..?” Tendou muttered, pondering whether or not he should stand up and reach to her. “Listen, are you really that upset, ‘cause-”

That’s when she turned around to face him, her cheeks ruby red and not in the way he liked. There were tears rolling down her cheeks, not enough to be considered a cry, but enough to express the way her broken eyes glistened in the dim light of his desk lamp. There were very few instances he had ever seen __ cry, once over a hurt pigeon they saw hobbling around campus, and another over the likelihood of him. Although, the other time didn’t break her heart like this did.

“Y’know…” Her voice wasn’t broken like he’d expect it to be. It ran flat, stoic, like a recording of something that wasn’t human. “I think it’s really funny that I’ve put up with every single piece of your shit, but you can’t even accept a little bit of mine.”

“__…”

“Don’t” She stated, loud, clear. It echoed off the walls and Tendou was sure it was loud enough for the neighbors to hear. “I think it’s really funny how I’ve actually cried with you over your own mental problems but you can’t even accept the fact that I overthink. Don’t you? That I sometimes actually stress myself out over problems that aren’t even mine but I get made fun of because I can get exceptionally nervous?” Her voice wasn’t flat anymore, it was cracking. It was louder and tainted with the slightest hint of anger, but she wasn’t angry. Not yet.

“That’s petty, __. Don’t use the “I think it’s really funny how” line on me.” Tendou stood up from the bed, and she moved back. Her bag was still dangling from her hand.

“I have every right to be petty. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Well excu-use me for not realizing you wouldn’t take a joke!”

“My mental health isn’t a joke, Satori!”

“Well you treat it like one!”

The room fell silent once again, __’s bloodshot eyes widening. Another tear slipped down her cheeks. She was silent, the lips she had been gnawing on, agape.

“You…” She muttered, slinging her bag over her shoulder without breaking eye contact with him.

“__, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Really? What did you mean then?” She cocked her head, taking a few steps away from him again. Tendou didn’t reply, he couldn’t. “You’re so selfish! I actually cannot believe this! Do you ever hear me making depression jokes? Have I ever once put you down for anything wrong with you?”

“No, but it’s not like it would be the end of the world if you did!”

“Really? Really? I was fine before Satori. I really would’ve been fine with a little “sorry” and I would’ve cut it. But I’m a joke? Am I just a joke to you?”

“You’re damn acting like one! What’s wrong with you today?”

“What’s wrong with me today?” She was all but screaming now, hands balled into fists and shoved in her pockets. “God, you know what, you really are a monster. Goodnight, Satori.”

She turned around on her heel and stormed towards the door. He wasn’t sure what the plunging feeling in his chest was, but he was honest it was the closest thing to heartbreak. When he saw her tugging at the doorknob with shaking hands, that’s when he knew he had seriously, horrendously, ultimately, fucked up. There was something else in him though, something other than sadness, that made him storm up to her and yank her away from the door.

“I’m a monster, huh?” He spat, his hand tight around her knuckles as he loomed over her, pushing her back into the living area.

“Yes.” She scrunched up her nose and licked her lips, watching him tentatively to make the next move. “You’re a monster.”

“I really don’t get why you have to be so over-fucking-dramatic about this! Why couldn’t you’ve just told me to shut the fuck up! I would’ve!”

“Really? Would you? You don’t work like that, Satori, I know you.” She hissed through her teeth and yanked her hand away from his, her nail accidentally cutting the side of his thumb. She didn’t notice, and neither did he.

“You don’t know shit about me.”

“I don’t? I really don’t? Satori, you’ve told your entire sob story a million times! “Oh I got bullied,” “oh everyone hates me.” I can see why!”

Tendou was at a loss for words at this point, the plunging, surging in his veins making him feel cold. He should’ve known it was a bad idea to pick at her, someone who really did know him better than he did himself. She could disassemble him and put him back together if she wanted, and most importantly, break him down. He didn’t even feel like shouting anymore, if he was being honest. He pushed himself to, anyways.

“You’re being a real bitch, __. Do you even know what you’re saying?”

“I’m well fucking aware of what I’m saying!”

“Then why are you saying it?”

__ paused for a moment, gnawing at her lips again. Tears were still running down her face yet she didn’t let her aggressive facade down.

“God, its because I love you!” She shouted, turning around and heading for the door. “I love you and it really fucking hurts when it seems like you don’t love me, okay?”

“It doesn’t seem like you love me.”

“Well I do. I care about your opinion more than your shitty little brain could ever articulate. That’s why I’m overreacting. That’s why I can’t just tell you to shut up.” She paused for a moment, looking at him from the doorstep, wanting to say more, Tendou knew because her lips were pursed together so tight he was afraid she’d split one.

“Goodnight, Satori.” She spared him one last glance before slamming the door behind her, and her hurried footsteps clambered down the hall.

Tendou felt empty in the void of his dorm. He sat down on the edge of his bed and rested his face in his hands, and much to his surprise, when he sat back up, his fingertips were wet. He had definitely messed up.

 It had been three days since the argument. Tendou really didn’t realize how much he depended on another person until he found himself locked up in his dorm the entire weekend, along with the entire following Monday. He had missed all his classes for the day, but ultimately, he didn’t care. It had been a while since he had felt this disgusting, the last time he could recall was losing his last match of senior year. He couldn’t even classify this feeling as sadness, there were too many other feelings mixed in for him to just be sad. He felt guilty, disgusted, livid, his mood was a cesspool of negativity. His roommate had teasingly pointed out that he looked like shit, to which Tendou had wholeheartedly accepted. The lack of sarcasm made his roommate threaten to call the RA, which he didn’t, just tugged the bed sheet off of him and forced him out of the room to go take a shower.

“Call your girlfriend before you die in here.” His roommate had joked, “Or maybe I’ll just let you die, I’d get a 4.0 sympathy GPA from the board.”

It wasn’t until Tuesday night when Tendou mustered up the courage to send her a text. Usually she responded in seconds, but this response was delayed by hours. She ignored his message of “can we talk?” and jumped to, “I’m coming over.” Tendou didn’t mind, he worked well with confrontation. Though, he was definitely worried another argument would strike, that would be the last thing he’d want. His roommate was spending the night at his boyfriend’s dorm, but if he were to still drop by somehow, he’d hate for him to be caught up in an argument.

At six-thirty on the dot, there came a knock on his door. He figured he must look like a wreck, his last shower was Sunday morning, and he hadn’t slept much since then, either. He dragged himself over to answer her, though. Before he had the chance to open the door, she knocked again, which, for some reason, made his stomach lurch. There was the possibility that he was a bit nervous.

He swallowed thickly, swallowing his pride along with it, and cracked the door open, fumbling with the locks on the sides before he swung it open all the way. __ said nothing, just looked up at him, her eyes just as tired as his. Neither said anything but both could tell it wasn’t a very smart idea for both of them to be away from each other for so long.

“I’m sorry.” Is what broke their silence, and Tendou’s heart was racing too fast to tell whether it came from her or him.

“No, I’m sorry.” __ peeped next, so it was safe for Tendou to assume he had spoken without thinking. “I said some shit I shouldn’t have and I’m really, really, sorry.”

“You wouldn’t ‘ve had to say that if I didn’t start it.” Tendou tentatively placed his hand on her shoulder, pulling her inside and shutting the door behind her. As soon as the lock clicked, __’s weight collapsed underneath him, dragging him down to the floor and up against the wall with her.

“I forgive you…” She muttered into the crook of his neck, her arms tight around his waist. “And I never meant anything I said that night. You’re not a monster, I promise you, you’re not. It was so shallow of me to even mention all of that and I wasn’t even thinking about how you’d feel and… I’m so sorry…” She fumbled over her words, lifting her head up to reveal tears in her eyes.

“You’re forgiven.” He smiled, uncoiling one arm from around her neck to thumb away a fallen tear. “I’ve never seen you cry this much, y’know.”

“The shit I said wasn’t true, but everything else was.”

“That whole caring about me thing?”

She nodded, her eyes breaking away from his to look down at her lap. “It’s pathetic, huh?”

“I don’t think it’s pathetic.” Tendou tilted her chin up with his fingertips, and pressed a soft, forgiving kiss on her lips. “I could say the same about you.”

“We’re fucked, aren’t we? Is this what it feels like to be in love?”

“Mhm…” Tendou hummed, a smile on his face as he kissed __ again.

“Disgusting.” She muttered. “I love it.”

Tendou found himself laughing, pulling __ closer to his chest and holding her against him. The time rolled by, the ticks on his roommates clock filling a comfortable silence instead of an empty one. Maybe him and __ weren’t compatible because of her patience and his unwillingness to ever shut up. They were undeniably compatible, though, and he couldn’t waste his time thinking of why. All he knew was that she was right for him, right in his arms, and everything was alright.

My mom always told me when I was little, that if anyone ever did me wrong, I was to always say “You are forgiven” instead of “It’s alright” or “It’s okay.” Because if you tell them that what they did wrong was okay, they’ll believe it, and keeping thinking that hurting you is okay, and they’ll do it again. Always say “you’re forgiven”, because that shows that you won’t tolerate their mistake again. 

[danasukontarak]

Dana’s Travel Diary: Viva Las Vegas (and Arizona)

I have always considered Las Vegas to be a fake place, kind of like New York City. Prior to visiting, my perception was 9 months pregnant with images I've mentally hoarded from TV shows and movies. This is where little old ladies sit at slot machines and chain smoke cigarettes. This is where you gamble your life away and get lost in time, without a clock in sight. This is where you come from MIT to count cards, get dragged into the back of the casino and beat up by henchmen. 

This was the second trip I've taken with my ex-boyfriend since we broke up, and he really was the best travel partner I could have imagined. (Note: I definitely have decided that if I audition for The Amazing Race, it will be with him.) When we first arrived, we picked up a rental car and headed to our hotel, which was just a bit off the main strip. After checking in, we decided to walk to the strip and explore. At the end of the day, my iPhone logged 15,000 steps exactly. Things don't look far away, but they are. The terrain is just so flat that you can see far as fuck ahead. 

The first casino we visited was Caesar's Palace, and when the roulette lady checked our IDs, she asked if I was Thai. (I am - a quarter). She was from Thailand, and also very nice and helpful since I'd never played before. We took that as a good omen and I played for a while until I got up to $360. That's called beginner's luck. The next two times I played roulette, I left the table with $0. 

We took our earnings upstairs to Mr. Chow and had a really pricey, glorified P.F. Chang's meal with exceptional service and the smoothest red wine I've ever tasted. Our server was "Charles in Training," not to be confused with the other Charles. He was a fantastic server, and everyone in the restaurant was quite accommodating and attentive (doesn't this sound like a Yelp review?). Charles in Training offered to select our food and drink for us, and we let him. We had prawns, sole, beef, and probably some other stuff, too. My favorite part was the weird spaceship sculpture that Mr. Chow designed himself to represent the moon, that descended from the ceiling and slowly transformed above our heads every half hour. I'm glad roulette paid for that meal, because I wouldn't have. 

The next day, we drove to Grand Canyon West, which is an area of the Grand Canyon owned by the Hualapai people. It was a two hour drive, and we ventured from the welcome center to the canyon by tour bus. The view was literally breathtaking; seeing the edge of the canyon and knowing how deep down it went took my breath away. There were no barriers, fences, or anything of the sort. 

We went on the Skywalk, which is a U-shaped glass bridge that allows you to walk over the canyon. Most people were scared to walk over the clear part, and preferred to relegate themselves to the white glass side. Not me, the girl that enjoys the thrill of jumping on sewer door slats. At times, the bridge did make creaking noises, which was freaky. 

After the Skywalk, we took a helicopter ride down into the canyon, where we parked for twenty minutes and gazed upon the Colorado River. The helicopter ride was the most surreal experience of this trip. It seemed more like a wild west video game or helicopter ride simulation. Hey, maybe it was. Our pilot was from Norway, which I took as another good omen since I'm a quarter Norwegian (if you're keeping track, the other half is Korean).

Everything was beautiful and dusty. From the canyon, we traveled to my most random bucket list destination of Oatman, Arizona. This was another two hour drive, and the last 10 miles take you around the outer edge of a mountain with sharp turns and barely enough room for someone to pass in the opposite direction without knocking you down into the pits of hell. Visiting this city has been on my bucket list for a few years, since I found out they're famous for wild burros (basically Shrek donkeys) that roam about town. The burros are tame, and the shops sell little grassy snack bites to feed them. It was amazing feeding them by hand, but some of the bigger ones got a bit aggressive and started nudging me for more. At one point, half a dozen burros were surrounding me, hounding me. 

Oatman is named after Olive Oatman, a woman who was kidnapped as a young teen by a Native American tribe, after they slaughtered her family. They tattooed blue lines on her jaw, which supposedly was so that when you die, your ancestors recognize you as a part of their tribe. She survived with this tribe for many years until she was rescued. Who knows what her life was like? If it was anything like the toilets in Oatman, the answer is shitty. (The public restrooms were literally caked in poop. No flushing, no sink to wash hands. I took a picture but decided not to share it here.)

I posted a picture of the desert on my Snapchat, to which a guy I used to like replied, "You go to Vegas to hit up the desert? You should be at a pool party." To that I replied, "I'm bucket listing. Eff your pool party." 

The next day, we went to a pool party. Ha. 

We went to Drai's Beachclub and Nightclub, which apparently was the biggest hip-hop club spot on the strip. The party was really fun, with lots of people and a short Filipino DJ. The most live group of people there were from the UK. They all went crazy over the Giggs verse on Drake's new album. 

We almost went straight from the pool to the airport. Three days was perfect. Any longer and I would end up like the ghosts of Vegas past - the people who clearly lost all their money and their wits during a wild and crazy trip to Las Vegas, and now roam around either asking for money or just staring blankly. 

The weather is Vegas was perfect. It was a bit colder when we went higher up in altitude in Arizona, but still wonderful. Maybe everyone's been to Las Vegas, but if you're late like me and would like some tips for your traveling, here ya go! 

1: Use HotelTonight - HotelTonight is a great app for quick (day of) hotel reservations. We stayed at The W for about $100 a night. These hotels are fucking huge and have enough rooms that you don't really need to book too far ahead of time (unless you find a good deal, of course). But winging it is perfectly doable. You can even stay in multiple hotels seamlessly during your stay.

2: Quit while you're ahead - Beginner's luck is real. Unless you just don't give a fuck, decide not to gamble your way down to $0 at a casino table. When you're ahead, set at least the amount you started with aside. It's very easy to lose it all. And DON'T PLAY SLOTS. They suck. Tables are much more fun and potentially profitable.  

3: Go exploring - Las Vegas is a weird little lit-up strip in the middle of a vast, beautiful desert. There are tour packages for Grand Canyon and other places (Hoover Dam) available everywhere. This is SO worth it. Natural beauty always beats man-made wonders, in my humble opinion.

[nautilusopus]

1, 10, 46

1. How did you get into FFVII?

As much as I bitch about how the original game was the best and everything afterwards was terrible, I’m actually comparatively a latecomer. Funny story – I was just gonna shit all over this game and call it a day, initially.

‘Twas the far off year of 2008-ish. The emo subculture was alive and well, nobody would shut the fuck up about Haruhi Suzumiya and how it was the Greatest Anime Ever, Legendary Frog’s career had just started to peeter out, and Let’s Plays were only just starting to become A Thing. Since the market wasn’t oversaturated to the point of self-parody at times, it was anyone’s game back then. You had your Chuggaaconroy, your Slowbeef and Beetus, your Pokecapn, your Red Chocobo/Orbital Grouse, but little else. I’d just gotten done watching the Brand Spanking New Sonic 06 LP and I figured, “hey, anyone can do this! I’ll just find a famously bad game and tear it a new asshole on the internet and get and become internet famous”. 

Back then it was also in vogue to talk about how terrible and overrated VII was and how it was actually an awful game, and I was right at the goddamn forefront of that particular bandwagon. If you’re ever going through some long-forgotten internet forum crypt and find some Guest taunting people about how Final Fantasy VII is a Bad Game for emo fags and Cloud is gay and cuts himself and Sephiroth isn’t as cool as Kefka? There’s a good chance it was me (I had played neither VII nor VI at the time, it’s worth noting. I just knew that was the thing you were supposed to say.) The number one rebuttal at that point to most of the shit we’d say was “dude did you even play the games?” and the answer was no, but of course, you didn’t need to, right? You could ascertain everything you needed to know about it via Internet Vogue Opinion Osmosis. So that was obviously all there was to know about the game at all, end of story. 

Also I saw a bit of Dirge. Did nothing to help my opinion of the franchise at all.

So, I had my Definitely Shitty Game, I picked up a used copy for fifteen bucks (a real bargain, even back then), and I sat down to complain loudly about everything that could possibly be complained about and prove all those haterzz wrong. I did pretty well for the first three hours – The Graphics are Bad™, Cloud is a Douchebag and I Hate Him™ (that’s another thing, I fucking despised Cloud at first), Aeris is a Mary Sue™, Tifa is Boring™, Sephiroth is Gay and Fucks His Mother™, Who Is This Black Man Why Did Nobody Tell Me About Him™, et cetera. Wall Market earned a few brownie points with me just out of shock value alone, since before that point my main exposure to T and M rated content had been Metal Gear Solid and the tone that adult content is handled with in each of them is quite different. 

Then I hit the Shinra Tower segment and found the President dead at his desk and went through the chase scene afterwards. Been a diehard fan ever since. Never looked back. 

It’s difficult to describe the exact moment where I realised “hooooly shit I was wrong about everything this game is fucking amazing”, but I think a lot of it can be summed up with the idea that it took every preconceived notion that I had developed about what the game absolutely must be like and smashed them to pieces. The characters were expertly written, the story was complex and surreal and bittersweet and funny without ever feeling like they needed to sacrifice levity for drama or vice versa. You have to realise, if you were generally familiar with traditional RPGs like I was back then and then went into VII expecting the same traditional RPG setup, this game would have blown your goddamn mind. A lot of what’s taken for granted about how story-heavy games are written nowadays stemmed from VII, and in complaining about it being overhyped, one does have to realise it was hyped as much as it was initially for a really good reason. I knew about Aeris by then, everyone did. What I didn’t know about was the sheer magnitude of everything else in the story that nobody ever fucking talked about because how could you possibly, and people are still debating about it all to this day. You can’t gush about the brilliance of the plot twist on disc 2 and the subtleties it reveals about Cloud’s character the same way you can about “Oh man did you see when Aeris dies that was so sad guys”, or the questions the game poses about what makes you you in terms of validation and guilt and identity, and the mature insightful take it had on mental illness that is rarely matched even to this day, and the innovative way where they decided that death wasn’t heroic or glamorous or beautiful or tragic but instead just sucks and hurts a whole fucking lot and comes to everyone in the end the way you can about “WHOA THAT SUMMON CUTSCENE WAS FOUR MINUTES LONG AND THAT DRAGON BLEW UP A CONTINENT”. 

(And then I played Dirge and Crisis Core and saw the movies and was crushed because it went and proved thirteen year-old me right about all the stupid bullshit I said because it was the opposite of everything I ever loved about the original. God damn you, Nojima, you hack.)

VII is a good fucking game and it has the box quote it does for a damn good reason. Go play it. 

Since then I’ve always tried to avoid buying into internet hype about when a game is supposedly bad, because I almost made the same mistake all over again with Undertale. It says a lot about VII that I actively tried to hate it as much as I possibly could whether it was necessary or not and still wound up absolutely loving it. You never know, is all I’m saying. Make your own decisions. 

10. A NOTP?

ACGZsvs Statutory Rape Gangbang

1.Cloud is 14-16, that’s gross. Like, with Zack, it’s alright I guess, but everything else is gross. 

2. All of these people are his fucking bosses and outrank him ten times over. In a military setting. That’s extra gross. And fraternisation. (Also are you telling me Shinra doesn’t publicly execute any sort of insubordiation via firing squad on live television, especially with their top weapons?)

3. It’s illustrative of basically everything I hate about the fandom and the Compilation and the way Crisis Core went out of its way to write everyone that isn’t a the young white male marketable/shippable character out of everything even remotely resembling relevance, and how the fandom is not only absolutely fine with this, but completely on board with it all because it means they get more prettyboys to ship. Aeris is Zack’s accessory. Tifa isn’t even fucking in it. Barret? Who the fuck is Barret? Oh he’s not willowy enough and black so who cares. Nobody cares what happens to the story or the characters (or even Cloud’s arc, good god) as long a they have more material for their doujins. I hate it more than I can possibly find the words to express.

46. Favorite song in the OST?

Ah geez, this is actually a really tough one for me. I guess there’s four that really stand out for me.

I really like Cait Sith’s theme, which is actually my ringtone and has been for years because I really like jazz or anything remotely resembling jazz.

Pretty good one. Works nicely with the electric keyboard midi. 

Jenova Absolute, the one I linked to earlier, is another favourite, and also my favourite boss theme, even moreso than J-E-N-O-V-A. I actually went and learned how to play it on the piano and everything, and a full arrangement of that with multiple piano tracks was gonna be my “200 follower” present to you all except then I got mic problems and then I got really lazy and then I forgot about it, so the ETA on that is “eventually probably”. 

You Can Hear The Cry Of The Planet is a really good one. Very pretty, kinda spooky, vaguely alien, and sort of ominous considering what’s coming, which also plays in my favourite (also really pretty, kinda spooky, vaguely alien, and sort of ominous considering what’s coming) location in the game. It’s a shame this is the only place it plays in one location in the game. Sometimes I drive all the way back here just to listen to this one track. 

The last one is another exclusive track that’s very pretty and vaguely alien (well it plays in that marshy area on disc 3 but that doesn’t count) and plays during my favourite scene in the game.

Even hearing this sets off the same step-on-my-goddamn-heart response it did all those years ago. It’s sad. Not even like “sad”, sad like you’d usually think when you hear “sad”, it’s just… sad. That’s it. That’s all he had and that’s gone and that’s it, and he just kinda unhinges because it’s all he can do. I consider this one Cloud’s theme as much as his actual theme is his theme.

Fuck I wanna play this game again now.