#and that relationship ending and trauma and shit separate from that made me get really romance repulsed for a while

[gregmarriage]

truly my last relationship taught me so much. it also instilled in me some things i’m still unlearning. like, how most people won’t get mad if you accidentally fall asleep without saying goodnight (and not replying to messages, because i’m literally asleep), or freak out if you stop replying for like five minutes. like, i couldn’t do anything i enjoyed bc she’d be like ‘um, what fuck are you doing? why aren’t you answering me?!!!’ like relax, i’m literally just showering. it was truly a case of sitting still unless i wanted to upset her. and then i STILL somehow upset her and i never really knew why. but, hey, that relationship ended a long time ago, i should be fine now, right? 😐

[alvivaarts]

About Separate Ways (Spoilers)

Wow, guys. I was super excited to get gameplay footage/input from friends about Separate Ways (too broke to own the base game myself) to put into my longfic, but aside from some super cute Luis/Ada moments, I am... dissapointed.

Capcom hire me, at least I can keep the plot consistent because what the actual fuck.

Will discuss below to avoid spoilers (much more story than gameplay, but gameplay wasn't great either), but I'm not going into insane detail save for some things. READERS BE WARNED!

I'm also specifically looking at this through the lens of my own fanfic, Simulation Swarm, which is my take on how Las Plagas works and infected!Leon (in addition, infected!Ashley and a lot of Leon's unacknowledged trauma and relationship issues throughout the game series). I was majorly excited about Separate Ways because it implied that Ada also gets infected- which I really want to still implement even if it changes a LOT of major things about the fic.

I'll go over the good stuff first. AKA, stuff I'm keeping, and not retconning.

1- Luis' characterization was still amazing. It was really nice to see his character balance out Ada's, how he's still as chipper as he can be. Additionally, it's VERY clear how much he cares for Leon and Ashley alike, and he goes out of his way to get Ada the suppressant and still respects her throughout that process. 2- Pesanta/IT/U-3's design with slightly more of a scorpion shape. That was sick! 3- The fact that Ada was aware of most of Leon's movements and a lot of what happened, and in a way was following him around and handling things he couldn't/wasn't aware of. * 4- Ada didn't help Leon into the chair, Ashley did. But that scene isn't even shown. 5- Luis and Ada def had chemistry, and it was so cute!

Well! Short list. Now for the bad stuff. AKA, shit I'm retconning/ignoring/pretending never happened (most of the DLC).

1- Ada's infection is weird as fuck. She got... shot? And infected? And then, infuriatingly (because I've spent WAY too much time thinking about the physiology of Las Plagas and researching w/ the help of others how the infection would work) PUKES UP her plagas?!?!? HELLO!? This in particular drives me insane because like. Las Plagas nests and develops behind the sternum, between the lungs, where it can attach to the nervous system along the spine. It is TOO BIG for a human body to fight against, it's growth shoving lungs out of the way is why people cough up blood. It's nowhere near the throat or stomach and clearly it's extremely well engineered/evolved for human hosts not to end up in conveniently the wrong location. And if she did puke it up, at that point, miraculously, after two days? Her intestines are fucked. She's dying of internal bleeding. I don't fucking care how much of a bad bitch Ada is because at that point Wesker wasn't gonna help her. The fuck? Capcom, know your own lore challenge. 2- We got NO backstory, not even HINTS about Ada's past and origins. Again. 3- * Seriously made Ada's character into a very flat character and removed a lot of the urgency/clear want for her to help Leon from the original DLC. Seriously, she does not gaf about anything but her mission and making it more convenient for herself. Everything she does to help Leon is sheerly coincedence- which, honest to fuck, does not line up. Especially considering she appears to completely lack empathy until... uh oh, Wesker wants to kill a bunch of people? Like sure, she has that BRIEF conversation with Leon in the boat but like... what happened to the people she has history with, the people she could've ABSOLUTELY been saving to spite Wesker and allow her to have her own motives until whoop-de-doo, uh oh, gotta stop a genocide! Be so for real. 4- Bonus: After Luis helped her and she'd made the deal to get him out, he, still dying, calls her with a warning about Krauser. It took a long time for him to die. She SHOWED UP after witnessing the fight and pretty much just... left him. Despite all of that. Which I get from a 'not fucking with canon' standpoint, but seriously. 0 effort. 5- Krauser literally fucking gets away when she fights him???? 6- Wesker keeps making appearances. For some reason. It's not even clear why, he literally just shows up to be intimidating and to threaten Ada into doing the job but like. At that point, honest to fuck, he could've done it himself? Also it was majorly hard to empathize with Ada considering we STILL KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HER OR HER MOTIVATIONS. 7- Luis has no distinct fire trauma. (Okay. Revoking this after the discussion, I just had a no media literacy moment after everything I was taking in. Luis' response was actually pretty good and honestly? Should be appreciated. Though it does bring up another point- while I love Luis, I guess I was walking in with it more being an expectation for it to be 'Ada's Story'. We didn't get that, though the Luis background was great!) 8- Ashley's interaction with Ada was a single line asking for help and Ada just. Walks off.

Anyway, everything I've seen first hand and have discussed with others has left a sour taste in my mouth. Boo, @Capcom. Good thing I can make up my own stupid little stories and pretend that none of that happened.

[gatheredfates]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Aww, I love positivity asks! I can't say mine are in any way profound, but:

My loved ones. Cheesy, I know. Shout-out to my partner who does have a Tumblr account but refuses to be perceived because I know he'll read this and appreciate the fact I didn't tag him. I've been asked before how on earth I've been in a relationship with one person for over half my life and that's simple: I fell in love with my best friend. 💖 Also huge shoutout to @riftdancing who will be perceived because she's the platonic love of my life and, without her, I would not be who I am today. These two have seen me at my literal worst and stuck by me — I love them to bits! There's also my FC members/close friends @lightwrought / @gaygentofchaos / @whirlwyrm / @snakemoltsiren / @swingbeard / @dragons-ire / other people I have missed and/or wouldn't like to be tagged but know you are included because I love you. IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. Also everyone in Seafloor!

Music. I've always loved music, but I really only got into music and listening to different things later in life! Sleep Token fundamentally altered my brain chemistry and I will thrust them on anyone who will listen (start with Sundowning through to Take Me Back to Eden if you want the whole ~experience~ but Jaws is also a good separate introduction). I've also come to love Crywolf, Ashnikko, Bad Omens, as well as old faithfuls like Red, Evanescence, Halsey, etc.

My cat. She's not really my cat, but she adopted me. Ratticus le Catticuses the third of her name; brat cat, rat cat; little goblin; my little baby girl, love of my life. (Her name is Lucy).

Graphics design/creativity. I make it no secret my favourite part of my irl work is when I can make a brochure/pamphlet/poster. I don't profess to be an absolute master in it, and I'm entirely self-taught, but there is something about making something better. It's the same with GPOSING and the like. I don't do it often, but my edits are there. There are people in the community that use the little dividers I put together in Canva. It makes me happy!

My current mental health/personal journey. I'm in a really good spot mentally. My diagnosis has changed my life, and I was already on a good trajectory with my personal mantra/outlook on life prior to it. A few years go I was extremely depressed/anxious, I had a lot of trauma/paranoia around my spaces, and acted in ways I'm not proud of. I've reached out and reconciled a lot of it, and it's allowed me to engage with this community and my personal projects in a manner that's healthy and engaging for me. I was in a spot of ~drama~ recently (which I won't get into — that's another personal choice I made to keep things between relevant parties) and, rather than freaking out and thinking everyone hated me... I just dealt with it. I took all sides, formulated my opinions and blocked the people I didn't want to deal with. I was SO proud/happy with myself — I still am! It's not world-ending like it used to feel and that's so freeing for me as someone who used to be a chronic people-pleaser/conflict averse. I still want to try to be the latter, but I really believe the manta of 'be kind, take no shit'. It's done wonders for my happiness.

This got really long, I appreciate anyone who got to the bottom! I'll send these out to ten people from my permanent interaction call because I think that's nice. Thank you @disciple-of-frost for sending this in!! ✨

[eponastory]

Well, now that the Tylenol and other pain meds have kicked in, I want to talk about war.

Yeah, yeah, cut the crap Dai Li. Your lies are boring.

Many of you know that I have a thing for history. Well, I know for a fact that as long as man has walked this spherical (shut up flat earthers) rock floating in space, there has been some kind of conflict with one another. Over things like religion, politics, resources, women (looking at you, Troy), etc... it's a bloody business.

I'm going to give my grievances about Aang and his role in the war.

1. He really isn't there for all of it.

Remember, he ran away the night of the Air Nomad Genocide. That was the true start of the war. War is complex. You sometimes have more than one side playing a part, and then you have the antagonistic side. Aang did not have any part in the war for one hundred years. He was a child when it started, and he was still a child when it ended.

2. Growing up in war time is going to change your perspective.

Psychologically, trauma shapes a person into thinking a certain way. War is trauma. People who grow up in war time are shaped to either fight or flight. Since Aang was only there for the very end of the war, his separation from that war time trauma is there.

Think of it as witnessing 9/11/01. If you were alive to see it, then it really shaped you. It did for many people I grew up with, who did end up enlisting into the military to fight in the War On Terror. I was twelve years old, and I remember that day very well. It definitely made me see things a lot differently. Those who were born after that often joke around about 9/11 because they didn't witness it as it was happening.

It's an absence of understanding.

3. Aangs role in the war and how he is unprepared.

First off, when he is woken up, he has no idea what has really happened in the last hundred years. That's okay. Then he, as a child, has been put into this role of life or death, but he still acts like a child. I can understand that. It's anxiety and a whole bunch of other things he has to face in a world that moved on without him. He isn't irrelevant, but he missed a good deal, and now he has to live up to expectations.

So how does this affect relationships?

Oh, it does. It heavily impacts relationships. Which is why I'm going to get into this little debate here.

Aang is infatuated with Katara because she represents an outlet for his anxiety.

There, I said it!

That is also why this relationship is... not good. That and he doesn't seem to put her feelings into thought because she is a soothing mechanism. He relies on her for comfort and relief because, well, she is the Heart.

Remember what I said about Katara having to bury her feelings to take care of everyone else's BS? Yeah, that's what is going on here but in a much more selfish way. Aang can't let her go because she is his balm.

I cover this in my story by the way.

But yeah, let's say we stray away from Canon and Katara leaves him...

Yeah, he would likely lose his shit.

Just an opinion, but the way their relationship is set up is just... it screams that sort of dependency from Aang.

But this is because he missed the majority of the war and had to all of a sudden save the world... as a twelve year old. You know what my two younger brothers were doing at 12?

Playing with freaking Legos. (And still do to this day)

Legos.

Okay I'm ranting now, but this topic came up while I was working on my story.

You can ignore it. It's probably all over the place like my ADHD brain is right now.

Peace and ❤️

[theflyindutchwoman]

The road to Chenford - The Love Interests

Let me preface this (very) long post by saying this is only my opinion. This is about how I interpret the whole Chenford arc. The show is vague enough that pretty much all interpretations are valid. But if you feel differently, that's perfectly fine.

There's a lot of things that made me fall in love with Chenford, and I'll talk more about it in another post. But one aspect I found intriguing was the way the different love interests Lucy and Tim had throughout the show were used. Usually love interests are brought as a plot device to separate the main characters and bring all the angst... It's something that pretty much every TV shows do. The jealousy trope has to be one of the most common one... And yet, here, it was never really used the usual way.

Let's start at the beginning.

// Isabel & Nolan

It is rather interesting that we got love interests for both Lucy and Tim right from the start (probably because Chenford was unplanned). And how much their story is still impacted by that. With Isabel, we had front row seat to the trauma her addiction was having on Tim : the spiralling, the heartbreak, the guilt and the walls he had to put up to protect himself. But we also witnessed how far his loyalty goes and how deeply he can love. It was an important tool to give us some insight on a character that could otherwise have been a stereotype. And from there, we were able to get a view of what he is looking for : someone who can love him just as much, who will fight for him and who will make him feel like he's enough. With Nolan, we saw a completely different side of love. The hot affair (their words, not mine), the sneaking around and the impact it could have on Lucy's career. And what she wants is explained during the breakup fight : someone who thinks she is worth fighting for. Lucy is not upset because she is being dumped, she had come to the same conclusion after all. It's how easily Nolan seems to be able to discard her and their relationship that truly hurt her.

Now, the irony is her arc was supposed to be for her relationship with John… Kudos to the writers for adapting it seamlessly to Chenford. It is quite uncanny. On one hand, we had one relationship that was formed while they were rookies and made it work until UC work destroyed it ; on the other hand, we had one who flamed out before it could even truly start. If they keep Lucy doing UC work, I really hope we will have some conversation between Chenford to tie up this part of their arc : they both need to be reassured that the work won't come between them, because in the end, that was the downfall for their first (on-screen) romance.

(Little side note : I understand Alexi might have planned for NoChen to be endgame, and as much as we give him shit, as we should it's what keep showrunners honest, I appreciate that not only he agreed to change that part of his plan (the last true shipping moment for NoChen was in 1.12 I think, so really early), he was graceful enough not to destroy Chenford out of spite or even downplay their bond (he could have had John save Lucy in Day of Death, have her stay with him after Jackson's death etc). I'm not saying it's all perfect. And I'm sure he protested. But imagine creating a story around the main couple, only to realise that one part of that couple has more chemistry and works better with another character. With the exception of Fillion, I doubt he had any say about the casting. And even if he did, chemistry tests only work so far (Melissa and Eric probably didn't even have one). My past experience with showrunners is that they'd rather kill their show and blame the audience for being too stupid than admit they're wrong or should change their plans... The past few years are full of cautionary tales of TV shows that burned down. He may have been petty about it on his interviews, I don't read them so I can't say, but at least it didn't let it impact on the story. Cheers to that I guess).

// Rachel & Emmett

After the trauma Tim experienced, it was a nice change of pace to see him in an uncomplicated relationship, see him relax and simply enjoy himself. With Rachel, it was all about healing and it's not by mistake that Lucy set him up with someone she knows to be easy-going, calm and nurturing if we consider her job (I know it was for a bet and she didn't exactly choose Rachel. But do we think she would have done this if she didn't think it could be a good thing?). And we can never have too much of Tim smiling. Or shirtless Tim. We saw Lucy interfere even more - with Isabel, she got caught in the middle at first, she didn't really decide to cross his personal boundaries on her own. She was just trying to help Tim not go down with the ship. But we did learn that she kept in touch with his ex-wife. With Rachel, she had a direct hand in the set-up and she did soften some of his edges as well (the birthday gift for instance). Most importantly, it never had a negative impact on Chenford. If anything it brought them closer. But in the end, we saw the same problem that with Isabel : Tim was not enough. Rachel put her career first (nothing wrong with that by the way!). The red flag, so to speak, was the clear lack of communication : she never mentioned to Tim being interested by a job in New-York, let alone warned him about the interview. I mean, if you're seriously committed, a conversation beforehand might have been nice. And while Tim entertains her idea of them moving, it seems to be more by curiosity. We don't really see him hesitate or have a full grown-up talk about how they should move forward. The ending was… Well.. Hey does Rachel even know they broke up? Cos we didn't! So who knows! Jokes aside, I wonder if we were supposed to see her again in season 03 but with COVID, they changed it. Still could have been nice to have her name mentioned at one point.

Now, Emmett was supposed to be a mirror to Rachel : Tim's friend and a healing step in Lucy's journey. After what she went through with Caleb, seeing her be able to take that step forward was really great. Flirty and carefree Lucy is the best. I wished we had seen a little more of them (the actor got a main part on another show + Covid rules = not possible) so it was less abrupt. Having Emmett treat Lucy as someone in need of protection was also a nice callback to Nolan, who broke up with her "to protect her". No comment on the breakup by text. That's just petty. Although I did like he involved Tim in it... I wonder how that meeting went.

// Ashley & Chris

All right, there goes the very unpopular opinion : I actually didn't mind them. Much. I mean I could have done without them, but since we never really had to see their full respective relationship, Lucy or Tim being pretty much always around, it worked for me. Mainly. Don't get me wrong, I'm mostly indifferent towards Ashley because she was just dull. And I dispised Chris cos he reminded me of so many people I met in law school, it's not even funny (right down to the lack of empathy and inability to read the room. So spooky). It's the journey that I didn't mind.

After Angela's wedding and Lucy staying at Tim's place, the attraction between Chenford was front and center. But as I will talk about in my other post, I don't think they were ready to go there (grief is not the best foundation). And the writers didn't want to either, so that's moot. Now, as I said earlier, the most common trope in TV shows is to introduce new love interests to play up the tension and jealousy, have some pining on the side… And after the revelation in 3.14/4.01, it would have been the perfect timing. Only we didn't get this here, hence the frustration that I think many experienced. What's the point of having to suffer if we don't get the goodies.

Except, like I said, I absolutely love we didn't go the typical route. Why? Because jealousy is rarely written properly on TV. More often than not, you end up with people being used, hurt, acting childish and/or petty. Not a really good look for all the characters involved. It gets even worse when the ship still don't get together after all that hustle. I love angst, but come on. So instead of the promised angst, we kept on the same path than with Rachel and Emmett : the progression of Chenford's bond. It was never about Ashley and Chris. It was always about Lucy and Tim's story and how they were different and the perfect person. How their bond was special and how they NOT ONCE wondered if they should spend less time together. Even after the double date. Especially after the double date. They are close, period. They're willing to make efforts for Ash or Chris, but not change their interaction between them. It was about how, despite love interests, they were still each other's person and the one constant. And to me, that is so much more powerful.

Case in point. 4.06 - Ash is introduced but the episode spends more time about the bet between Tim & Lucy 4.08 - About Lucy finding out Ash is now in the picture (who is not even present on screen) 4.10 - About Lucy's dog even though she only had him for a couple of days so it should be irrelevant and yet it's not. And how Lucy helps Tim navigates in his relationship (when clearly he is half assing it). 4.11 - About Lucy trying to help young adults in-need and Tim helping her with Tamara instead of belittling her 4.12 - All about how Lucy and Tim are each other's safe place 4.15 - About Lucy being at the right job and doing it well (and about Chris willing to cut corners to get the job done when we saw Tim refused to do the same in previous episodes) 4.17 - About how Tim was able to empower Lucy through her ordeal instead of triggering her like a certain ADA who should not even had access to her file in the first place, because hello conflict of interest 4.21 - About the next step they are supposed to take in their respective relationship but clearly are nowhere near that headspace (as much as Tim says he can himself marrying Ash, the boy was still panicking throughout the episode at the mere idea… So who are you trying to convince here?! And Lucy shutting that parent meeting so fast) 4.22 / 5.01 - What significant others? Don't know them. Who's dying on the couch? 5.02 - How Tim is the one who truly knows her and whose opinion she values the most 5.03 - How Tim is missing her 5.05 - How Lucy is the one always staying 5.06 - How Lucy can find ways to make him feel better 5.08 - How Tim can immediately see she's uncomfortable and help her talk things through as she needs to do 5.09 - How Tim knows her taste

Now could it have been done better? Yes. I think the execution got lost in the middle. It could have been clearer and sharper. And I can absolutely see how it was frustrating to have to go through other LI, especially if you ship then since season 01. And could it have been done without Ashley and Chris? Sure. But I can understand Tim and Lucy wanting to date other people (especially if like me, you think they were still mainly unaware of their feelings. Attraction, yes. Romantic feelings, not yet... For me. It's clearly up for interpretation).

By not going the traditional route, we also avoided some pitfalls and do some disservice to what is otherwise a mature and healthy relationship. And I really love that we didn't go with the easy evil trope. Lucy and Tim have enough trauma to work through the rest of their lives… Having Chris being a minion for Rosalind would have set them both back. Lucy would have to go through all that process again and Tim would only have more guilt on this plate. Not to mention that having them end up together because they're the only person they can now fully trust is not exactly the best foundation. Are they together because they want to? Or because they don't trust anyone else? Considering all their lingering doubts from their previous relationships, that's definitely not what they needed for their own personal growth. Besides, I doubt it's the last time we've seen Chris : the door was wide open when he left Lucy's place, and I don't think it was by coincidence. So we are going to have some mess on our hands... And I much prefer having it with Chenford as one unit. But then again, personal preferences here.

Anyway, not saying it was perfect. It was downright messy at some points… I also wonder if Ash and Chris got introduced because we lost Rachel and Emmett somewhere in the process.

And in the end, Ashley and Chris were instrumental to Chenford getting together. But that's for my other post, this one is already long enough!

I hope I didn't make too many mistakes by the way! I was a little nervous to post this.

[hxhhasmysoul]

Sorry if I'm late for the ship ask game. Can I ask for these ships :

- Killua/Gon (my fav non canon ship from any shounen until now)

- Zuko/Sokka (my fav ship from ATLA, and they're also my top 5 fav characters from that series)

- Gojo/ Getou (sorry, I know you dislike those two, but I want to know your opinion on this ship. Also, they're my main reason to enter JJK fandom)

Thx if you want to answer

KilluGon

Absolutely ship it!

What made you ship it?

Canon, they're prone to these very romantic moments.

What are your favourite things about the ship?

How devoted they are to one another. They meet by accident and get entangled with each other so quickly. Killua follows Gon around during the exam, then Gon goes to save him and since then it becomes a duh for them that they do everything together. And then the trauma they both endure puts a strain on their bond and we see in real time how their relationship partially sours because they are too young and they don't know how to deal with the trauma and the stress. They make each other better and worse, and it just feels so real. It's just amazing.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Idk how unpopular it really is but Gon isn't abnormally selfish, and he's not some villain in their relationship. They both contribute to it hurting them both. People getting hurt in relationships and still fighting for them and working on them is just so normal. I think also that people who dislike Gon or have no interest in him should no be shipping this. And Killua isn't a soft uwu boi. He's got a mean streak, is petty and prone to addiction, the soft boi outfits are a lie.

Zuko/Sokka

I don't ship it.

Why don’t you ship it?

In a previous ask reply I talked about how much I like MaiKo. And that's just my default ship for Zuko. The thing with Sokka is that his heterosexuality forces him to reconsider his misogyny, it's not ideal that this is what makes him start respecting women but honestly, who cares as long as he doesn't act like sad loser towards women in the end. And I'm saying this because having a sister who was his life line and his keeper for years after they lost their mother and were left behind by their father, did nothing to make him not a dick to women. And I think that if Sokka'd been gay, he'd've never changed. He'd've been one of those gays who look down at women. What if he lead Zuko there too? Like Azula makes Zuko's life quite awful, so some bigoted takes about women could've made him a misogynist and feel justified for it too.

What would have made you like it?

If they had more chemistry in canon. I just can't imagine an exciting dynamic between them to engage in shipping it? Nothing about this ship makes me think they could make each other better and that's a must for me to ship anything, really.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

I'm sorry but not really. I have barely seen this ship around because I don't go to the ATLA fandom, I don't think even fanart for it has ever crossed my dash. I mean it's marginally better than Zuko/Katara, because that one is just toxic heterosexuality the ship.

Gojo/ Getou

omg, not really.

Why don’t you ship it?

Like with HisoIllu, I accept that this is a logical ship and it's likely canon. But unlike HisoIllu, I actually actively can't stand it.

Generally, considering how toxic Gojou's personality is, I consider all his het ships misogyny and all his queer ship, queerphobia, even such absolutely toxic shit like SukuGo, even GoKen, even Gojou/Touji. I don't even like Touji but not even he deserves that. Apart from SatoSugu. Getou was a truly disgusting fascist adult and a condescending fuck as a teen, I think they can have each other.

Why I actively despise it, is because of the fandom. The fans of these two characters separately and those of this ship are some of the loudest and most obnoxious in this fandom. They will literally take panels, scenes or chapters that are about other characters and unleash some truly unhinged word vomit to make it seem like there's some connection to Gojou, Getou or their ship. Usually it's either complete misrepresentation of what is in the manga or pure untagged fanfiction. But the tags of other characters get regularly flooded by this kind of shit. They act as if they couldn't stand there being parts of the JJK fandom where their favs are not worshiped, where their ship is not the most important thing.

What would have made you like it?

Nothing. If it weren't for the fans, I would've been neutral about it. I wouldn't have cared about it because a thought about any dynamic between these two assholes leaves me completely cold. But I wouldn't've cringed when I saw it in the tags to the fics in my tags. I wouldn't've cringed writing the single Gojou involving scene I've ever written.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

No, I'm still sad that the most awful fans of these two and their ship haven't rage quit the fandom when Sukuna finally reduced Gojou to tolerable portions. Honestly it seems to be getting worse. Despite how liberally I block, it still often feels, even on some leaks days, that there's more about this ship in the JJK tags than of the actually relevant stuff.

[a-trick-or-two-with-lepers]

Ranking My Favorite Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) Songs

Twenty-two songs. Five hours. One helpless, JCS-obsessed tumblr user who has so many other things they could be doing with their time. Get ready!

Disclaimers: I'm going to try to base my ranking on the soundtrack alone, but for some numbers, I really can't separate the song from the visuals. I won't be including "The Crucifixion" or "John 19:41," since those don't really count imo. The former, I will say, has some of my favorite chaos jazz that's ever been produced, so I'll give it that. Also! I LOVE this musical, and I LOVE this movie. Even the lowest songs have made it onto my playlists once or twice. So if I bash your fav, don't be too offended <3

22. Peter’s Denial - This one is really only low on the list because of how short it is. All things considered, I really like that funky little intro. Also, I think Mary, Peter, and whoever that third guy in the scene is with them (John??) would make a good throuple YEAH I SAID IT.  

21. Hosanna - I don’t know why I’m putting this one so low, either. It’s very fun and pleasant to listen to, and it’s got some great ensemble work, which is always something I jive with. I guess it’s just not as captivating to me as some of the other songs in this film. I actually like some other versions of this song better than the 1973 one (!!) Nevertheless, this song is genuinely really good and it shows that, hey, Jesus can smile! 

20. Then we are Decided - This is the only production of the musical I’m aware of that contains this song. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it’s a great song. I don’t know if ALW+Tim Rice are physically capable of collaboratively making a bad song. Also, I love Bob Bingham and Kurt Yaghjians’ voices, so anytime I get to hear them, I’m happy. On the other hand, I can see why this one was taken out of most productions. It wasn’t in the original concept album, and it kind of breaks up the story. It does provide extra context for Caiaphas’s motivation, but it doesn’t say much that isn’t reiterated in “This Jesus Must Die.” There just really isn’t a place for it in most productions, which is such a shame. At least we got this amazing screengrab out of it. Annas, you creepy little shit, I love you.

19. Pilate’s Dream - It took me far too long to recognize that this is the same song as the second part of “Poor Jerusalem,” which is funny given that they are right next to each other in the movie. I love the acoustic guitar in this one, and Barry Dennen is seriously one of the most subtly expressive actors I’ve seen. You could watch this scene 1,000 times and still be picking up new context on your 1,001st viewing. As far as the song goes, it’s a very nice introduction to Pilate’s character. Also, I think that discordant “Pilate” the chorus sings at the end doesn’t get enough praise.

18. King Herod’s Song - First of all, the way this scene just. 1) Inserts itself into the film 2) Refuses to elaborate 3) Leaves. I love it. I love how uncomfortable Herod’s whisper singing makes me, I love his campy friends, everything about this scene is amazing. It’s an absolute 180 in terms of tone, but I kind of love it for that.

17. I Don’t Know How to Love Him - I find it interesting that the most popular song from this soundtrack is also what many consider to be the most boring. Personally, I find the song very beautiful and fascinating, but I can see why it’s skippable for some. I’m just a massive fan of Yvonne Elliman. I think the only people that have come close to her version are Helen Reddy and Sara Bareilles. Also, I like to read this song as someone rediscovering their own self-worth through love after experiencing trauma from past relationships, which I think is a very relatable struggle.

16. Pilate and Christ - Pilate is just. So sassy. What’s most impressive about this performance is that Barry Dennen considered himself an actor first and a singer second. His acting is certainly spot-on, but his singing is pretty fantastic as well! The tension between Pilate and Jesus in this scene almost rivals that of Jesus and Judas… almost.

15. Overture - An overture is meant to provide the audience with a bit of musical context for what they’re about to hear. This piece does a very good job at that. The electric guitars immediately invoke intrigue- then the horns come in, then the strings and percussion get going, and at this point, any viewer of this film would be hard-pressed not to be at least a little excited. Then the “Heaven on Their Minds” riff starts, and I, for one, was instantly hooked. I especially like the violin bit near the end. The chorus wordlessly mimicking what will be Judas’ sung betrayal is chilling. The whole thing is a beautiful combination of rock music and traditional broadway styling, which is a good description of the rock opera in general. 

14. The Arrest - I really like the leitmotif that is used whenever Jesus is overwhelmed by a crowd. It was used with the temple-goers, the lepers, and now with his own people that have turned against him (and some who cautiously maintain their support for him). Also, like Matt Berry said, the “Now we have him, now we’ve got him” bit of the song is pretty bone-chilling. 

13. Could We Start Again Please? - I really like this song. I know it wasn’t in the original concept album, but its placement actually makes sense, and Ms. Elliman, naturally, sounds heavenly. The melody of this song is really nice, and it doesn’t sound at all out of place in the movie. 

12. What’s the Buzz/Strange Thing Mystifying - This is one of those songs that’s hard not to move around to. It’s just so much fun! It also is Jesus’s first physical and vocal appearance, and WOW. Neeley is a truly underrated 70s rock singer. His voice is impeccably strong and gorgeous. He’s somehow been criticized for this role (mostly by angry Catholics) for being too untouchable and emotionless. I just can’t agree with that. Did any of those reviewers even listen to the movie they were watching? Neeley’s far-off gaze is not something he can change, and I for one think it adds to the character. He provides what I think is the best portrayal of Jesus Christ in any production of JCS. Besides that, the ensemble is doing great here, too! I promised not to get too involved in the visuals for this ranking, but I have to mention the movements in this scene. The apostles and women are just so jumpy and full of energy. It really makes the scene fun to watch. And Mary! I’m a long-time fan of Yvonne Elliman, and she was the only person I knew of beforehand going into this film. Her voice is so mature and unique, which is perfect for the role of Mary. She was the initial performer of this role in the concept album, the broadway show, and the film, and it shows. This role belongs to her. Obviously, it’s a bit annoying that we got yet another portrayal of Mary as an ex-sex-worker, but if we got “Strange Thing Mystifying” out of it, I can’t be too mad. Judas really gives off jealous bitch vibes here, but he does make some good points.

11. Everything’s Alright - Oh Yvonne, who allowed you to steal my heart? Seriously, she sounds so, so lovely in this song. This song is so calming. It uses a 5/4 time signature, which gives it distinction. The contrast between the cool comfort of Mary’s voice and the angsty gravel of Judas’ voice is very striking. Both Judas and Jesus hit some insanely difficult belts here, and they do so flawlessly. This scene also expands on the relationship between Judas and Jesus, which is jam-packed with not-entirely-heterosexual intensity. As the chorus repeats the titular line at the end with increasing volume and intensity, we get the distinct impression that everything is, in fact, not alright.

10. The Last Supper - I could go either way on the apostle’s part. It’s good, and it has some good harmonies in the latter parts, and it also reminds me of John Denver somehow? Anyway, the mellow gold aesthetic is one of my favs, but that’s not why I love this song. The absolute release of tension that is the fight between Jesus and Judas is captivating. My head moves as if I’m watching a heated tennis match when these two get going. I’ve seen versions of their interaction that just don’t go well on stage because the parts require so much energy and intensity, and sometimes they have this, but it just doesn’t sound good. But since this is a film, we can be confident that we are seeing and hearing the best takes from the actors. In this version, I can feel the heat between J and J, but they also sound fucking amazing while arguing. Their final interaction tugs at my heart. And these two actors portray their relationship with such authenticity that it’s almost hard to watch any other version without holding this up as the standard. Also, fun fact: they separate at exactly 1 hour into the film.

9. This Jesus Must Die - I have a big crush on both Caiaphas and Annas. Their voices just mesh so well together; Annas has these Al Stewart-like whimsical vocals, and Caiaphas has this deep, sexy growl. (I have a raging hard-on for good bass voices if you couldn’t tell). They sometimes put baritone singers in this role, which just doesn’t really work. This part needs a man who sounds like he just came out of the black lagoon and desperately needs a drink. Along with how it sounds, the lyrics of this song are super clever. The “Jesus is Cool” line is an inside joke in the community- they removed it from many popular productions, which is disappointing as hell. It’s one of the best lines in the song! Anyway, as far as “villain” songs go, this one is top-tier for sure.

8. Damned for all Time/Blood Money - I love me some good Judas angst. But in all seriousness, this song is ridiculously hard to sing. It would be enough with the sheer number of words sung in quick succession, but it is also written in a pretty high register. I, as a female alto, struggle to comfortably reach some of the notes, but Carl Anderson, of course, does it flawlessly. Of course, I’m also obsessed with Caiaphas and Annas, so any song they’re in makes me kick my feet like a schoolgirl. This scene, being the turning point in the show, makes its mark and has impeccable pacing for such a chaotic number.

7. Judas’ Death - Carl Anderson is a performer. I felt everything Judas felt in this scene. His reprise of “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” is impossible to look away from or tune out. When I first watched this scene, I didn’t know Judas was going to reprise the fucking love ballad. My jaw was on the floor the whole time. Other actors sometimes make this part sound ugly and raw, which is fine, but emotion can be portrayed while singing while still sounding good. That’s what really gets me about this version. You can feel the raw emotion, and yet you can’t deny how good the singing is. I also didn’t know Judas was going to straight up hang himself, and that kind of shocked me. To think this movie was rated G back in the day! 

6. Simon Zealotes/Poor Jerusalem - Oh man. I’ve gotta be careful here if I want to keep my ranking based on sounds alone, cause this scene is just visually AMAZING. I might make a post about how much I adore this scene- the choreography, the craftsmanship, the absolutely iconic shots, the goofy ass freeze frames- I just love it all so much. The song is nothing to sneeze at, either. It feels like something you’d hear in one of those fun-loving, joyful churches that promote same-sex marriage. Larry Marshall has such a cool voice; you can tell he really put his all into it. Apparently, he initially tried to reign it in so as to respect the source material, but Norman Jewison just told him to go all out. So that’s what he did. It makes for a damn good number. As for “Poor Jerusalem,” I love hearing Ted Neeley’s softer voice. When he reaches into his falsetto, it sends shivers up my spine. 

5. The Temple - I love a good ⅞ song. Additionally, I love a good ensemble song. In addition to that addition, I love seeing Jesus go off and flip tables and shit. But that’s not why this one is so high on my list. This song skyrockets up my personal ranking due to what happens between the temple and the leper scenes, when Neeley scream-sings “MY TEMPLE SHOULD BE A HOUSE OF PRAYER, BUT YOU HAVE MADE IT A DEN OF THIEVES! GET OUT! GET OUT!” I get actual chills every time I listen to him do that. I also really like the way the leper scene ramps up musically. It starts off slow and creepy, and ends in a wholly claustrophobic panic-inducing chant. The harmonies are also very pleasing. 

4. Trial Before Pilate - This song is a masterclass in rock opera composition. Barry Dennen’s performance is absolutely, without a doubt, the most incredible embodiment of this role that I’ve seen. Pilate’s songs were essentially made for him, because like Ms. Elliman, he was the first to play his respective role. I genuinely don’t know how he was able to perform Pilate night after night on tour, because this role is supremely demanding vocally. You can tell he is a professional, though, because you can’t just scream at the top of your lungs every night without good technique. I could say a lot more about this one, but I’ll save that for another time.

3. Superstar - I really wish the little guitar intro was kept in future versions of this song. (How many times can I talk about guitar intros in this ranking??) This song is SO! MUCH! FUN! I have to take a second to talk about the cinematography in this scene… it’s really something else. It mayyyy have influenced the ranking, just a bit. Nonetheless, it’s Carl Anderson singing, so of course, this song sounds stupendous. He hits those high notes like it’s nothing. Also, I have to say: this number is very clearly directly influenced by motown-style music, and hearing a black man singing it just feels right. In fact, rock as a genre can be traced back to music created and sustained by black folks. It makes sense that my favorite versions of this musical involve diverse casts. Anyway, I really like this song because of how direct it is with its message. It’s not only Judas asking these things of Jesus, but us as the audience. Why would he put himself in such a bad position? How could he let it get this out of hand? Did he lose his message along the way? Contemplative shit like that set to a 70’s disco dance scene has me losing my mind, and I’m absolutely in love with it.

2. Gethsemane - I was considering putting this song lower, both to piss off my discord friends and because I genuinely enjoy listening to other songs from this soundtrack more, but I just had to give it a high-ranking spot. By this point you must be well aware of my love for Ted Neeley and his rock-god voice, but he really, truly steps it up here. It says a lot that he is still able to perform this song at almost 80 years old. He cares about what he’s doing. A lot. And while I’m not religious, some of my favorite music comes from religious people simply because they believe they are singing for something bigger than themselves. I strive to achieve that passion with my own voice and music, and I believe it can be done without a connection to a higher being. You just have to trust your own voice and focus on your message/role, and Mr. Neeley does not fail on this front. All of this, and he hits the g5 note perfectly. He seriously sounds so goddamn amazing and I’m tired of people saying he’s overrated. Give this man the respect he deserves.

1. Heaven on Their Minds - I could gush about Carl Anderson’s performance of this song for hours, and I mean HOURS. Not only does he completely embody the role of Judas, but he sounds damn good while doing it. He combines this gravelly rasp with clean, clear notes, and every belt is perfectly executed. The agonized fade-out at the end is not something that’s really possible on-stage, so I appreciate it all the more in the movie. This was the first song in the musical that I saw in full, and it’s really what started my obsession. Even though HOTM is a nearly perfect musical theater/rock song, it was Mr. Anderson’s performance of it that got to me.  To me, he IS Judas whenever he’s on screen. His voice is just… spectacular. Additionally, as an agnostic person, the lyrics in this song really resonate with me. “You’ve begun to matter more than the things you say” instantly became one of my favorite lines in musical theater upon first listen. Like I said, I could go on and on about this one, so I’ll just go ahead and stop myself here.

FINALLY! DONE! Whoo, that took much longer than expected (probably because I kept getting distracted) but I had a lot of fun making it. Lemme know your thoughts/opinions/insults/threats in the comments/reblogs/tags <3

[asktheahogesandblondes]

(Post despair) AWE JEEZ I am so sorry! I am so so sorry for all that I’m not affiliated with him but I feel miserable on your behalf! If theirs anything I can do within reason I shall do it have a cookie *gives miu and shuichi cookies* I am so sorry about that allow me to introduce myself I am siramay! The showgun dragon I know all about yah from the multiverse! So let me apologize on their behalf and know I know your love is true and wholesome but also a little raunchy…. So…. How’d it happen?

((This is very lore heavy and mucho texto, so apologies for taking so long to answer))

Shuichi:...Well I'm not really sure if we should accept things from a stranger...but you seem friendly for now.

Miu:As to how it happened? Well it all started when Shuichi decided to hang around me while we were trapped in that fucking school, I started showing him my inventions, eventually our relationship progressed to the point I feel about telling him my secret...or what I thought was my secret.

Shuichi:Miu told me she thought she was an augmented human, and then thought of opening herself to check, I didn't hesitate for a second and stopped her before she killed herself, I stopped her and she ran away, she...um...how do I say this...

Miu:I fell in love with Shuichi, I fell hard, harder than...huh, I don't wanna talk about it. The point is I didn't know how to handle it at first and because...well, traumas that I don't know if they're real anymore, so I thought Shuichi was in love with me at first, I didn't understand that he was just being nice, but eventually I calmed down a little. I was still in love with Shuichi but I wanted to get him to fall in love with me first...

Shuichi:I didn't know how to feel at first, though the apprehension I had with Miu was eventually fading away and I was beginning to fall in love with her too, though it's not until later that I realized it.

Miu:I almost made the biggest fuck up of my life by trying to murder Kokichi and then win the class trial, it failed, Kokichi almost turned the tables on me with the help of Gonta, but I managed to escape due to a failsafe I had installed, I couldn't rat him out because I would have been rated out too for trying to kill him...after that we began to notice Kaito was sick, but at the time he kept denying it, we managed to unlock his lab and we got more memories...or what we thought were true memories.

Shuichi:Afterwards Kokichi revealed that Miu had made weapons that we can use to break the road of Despair, Miu was put on the spot for not revealing them sooner but I and a few others defended her by pointing she was afraid that they would use them against her, after things calmed down we decided to finish the road of despair once and for all...I stayed close to Miu at all times to make sure she was all right.

Miu:We managed to get to the end...until we found out that the outside world was a hellhole and basically unlivable, and that ww where on space of all things...or so we thought, and prepare to hear that a lot because to this day I wonder if we're not still under some shitty lie.

Shuichi:Kokichi then "revealed" himself to be the mastermind and that he had Gonta as his "Forced" Partner, they both had used Miu's inventions to murder Monophie and Monotaro without everyone else knowing and then used another invention of her to take control of the exisals, then proceeded to take Kaito hostage to force me to give him the button to enter the hangar, after that he trapped Kaito in the hangar and Miu and I in a classroom, he said he considered us the biggest threats to him...why he looked us two together instead of separate? I don't know but I thank him for that.

Miu:I was honestly depressed and scared as shit, there was nothing in that room which would allow me to make an invention to get us out...and I didn't feel like making anything either, I was just tired of everything and clinged to Shuichi for comfort, we talked and vented over everything and then I...confessed that I planned to kill Kokichi and win the class trial, also that Kokichi tried to kill me in revenge, I thought that if I was gonna die in there, might as well go out with no regrets.

Shuichi:I didn't know how to feel about all that, I mean I should have been mad about it, I was mad about it...but then I remembered Miu had been pushed to this point just like everyone else, I could see she regretted it and didn't want to go through it, after giving it some thought I decided to forgive her for that...and I blurted out my feelings for her.

Miu:I was surprised that Shuichi forgave me after all that...and I was so happy that he liked me back, it was like a ray of hope in this shithole of a situation, so after nearly fu-I mean celebrating our union before realizing it wasn't the best moment, we were wondering what we should do now, before being freed by Maki and that fucking bitch Tsumigi, more on that whore later.

Shuichi:Afterwards they showed us a flashback light which made us think Kokichi was part of the Super High School level Despair...which was not true, but we didn't know this at the time, maybe if we did...well, it doesn't matter now. We formulated a plan to stop Kokichi and free Gonta and Kaito...but at the end it was too late.

Miu:By the time we managed to break through the hangar, someone had died. We didn't know who and by the class trial an exisal arrived that passed itself as either Kokichi, Kaito or Gonta, we had no fucking idea of who it was, not even Monokuma knew which meant we where in an unsolvable class trial...but eventually thanks to my intuition and Shuichi's detective prowess we were able to realize it was Kaito in there, and that Kokichi wasn't the mastermind...and that those three were trying to put an end to the killing game by making an unsolvable murder case and therefore Monokuma couldn't act by his own rules.

Shuichi:I tried to keep the plan alive but Monokuma began catching on and then the exisal pilot revealed itself to be both Kaito and Gonta...I still don't know how they fit in there to this day. But anyways, Kaito admitted he was Kokichi's killer through their mutual plan and Gonta revealed he was helping Kokichi to end the killing game as long as they didn't hurt anybody else...the plan went off the rails with Maki but it was a messy situation for all of them...we wanted to stop the execution but the Monokubs were back with the exisals and then Kaito decides to accept the punishment since he was dying from his sickness, it was painful...but at least he died on his own terms and passed away with his sickness before the execution could finish.

Miu:The execution being butchered ended up Kibo's antenna falling off, then he started to act weird after we were flashed with another flashback light, he asked me to put him every upgrade I could give him, I didn't question why, hell I was all for it. Then Gonta asked me if I could finish the prototypes Kokichi wanted me to make...and I guess because despite all the bad blood between us, he did wanted to stop all this shit and he did have good ideas, so I wanted to honor his memory in a way...oh and then Kibo wanted to destroy everything.

Shuichi:Kibo believed that place was too filled with Despair to exist, so he wanted to destroy it even with us on it. However with Miu's help I was able to convince him that the killing game was being televised with the presence of the Nanokubs, afterwards I asked him for time while we investigated, which he gave us until down and then proceeded to rip apart the Exisals and anything that stood in his part with his new upgrades...we ended up finding out several things.

Miu:One:Kokichi wasn't part of Super High School Level Despair, D.I.C.E. was just a harmless gang. Two:the true history of Hope's Peak which goes against what the flashback lights showed us. Three:Rantaro had participated in a killing game before and he was the Super High School Level Survivor. Four:A hidden room with a lot of interesting shit that put the first class trial on a new light and also the thing that shitted out Monokuma's:Motherkuma and fifth:The Flashback lights were manufactured in a secret room and you can choose what they show you, so those motherfucking things just were made to lie to us...oh and the room had a secret entrance through the the girl's bathroom.

Shuichi:I demanded a re-trial of the first class trial we had, Monokuma accepted only if we removed the upgrades from Kibo, Miu and Kibo managed to trick them into thinking Miu could deactivate them at will when he just hid them, they also put the antenna back on him...In the class trial I proved Kaede failed her murder attempt and that the mastermind was the true culprit...I was angry, if you could no doubt tell. Not only was one of my closest friends murdered even though she was innocent, it proved all of this was a sham even by their own rules...and then I pointed out the true culprit...

Miu:That ugly, disgusting, liar, plagiarist, fat, four eyed cunt Tsumigi. The bitch tried to pass it off as Junko being the true mastermind, which seems believable at first because I got to know that bitch after this mess...except she was fucking defeated and retired, plus they got everyone watching her ass so there's no way she could pull the same shit without the element of surprise and the help she got the first time. Then she tried to mess with our minds saying that was all fake, that we were just fictional, that we signed up for this...spoiler warning:It was all lies, this bitch doesn't know how to say anything that isn't spewing lies. I guess she was saying the truth with Kibo being the audience surrogate, but even then he was able to rebel outside of that.

Shuichi:After giving us the choice of Despair or "Hope" and many arguments, I came to the conclusion that both choice sucked and the proper way to end all of it was not voting and giving the audience a ending they hate to end the "Killing Game Franchise", everyone thought it was crazy at first.

Miu:And it was.

Shuichi:It was, but I refused to let us be played around any longer by those people...in the end my plan worked, the Killing Games ended for good, Kibo sacrificed himself to destroy the academy with Tsumigi in there and we managed to escape, we began to think what to do next after all that and we decided to stick together to find out that and if Tsumigi was lying about what she said...and you probably saw this coming, she was, the events of Hope's Peak Academy and Jabberwock island did happen, because later on we ended up meeting with Makoto, Junko, Hajime and Natsumi who explained to us Team Danganronpa were fanatics of the killing game and hated that she retired after it.

Miu:So they gave us a home and something to do with our lives, we eventually started this blog...and here we are.

Shuichi:So our love story was uh...not exactly normal you can see...but I forever be glad that I met Miu.

Miu:And I always be grateful that I met Shuichi, even in that mess.

[seeminglyseph]

Because I’m currently kinda obsessed with Hazbin Hotel, I’m seeing a lot of stuff about it and Helluva Boss. And like. People are complaining a lot about like. “What’s with all the Daddy Issues” etc, etc… as if like. “Characters having issues with their fathers” isn’t a a normal issue in media? And also like. Half the Millennials I know have distant and angry fathers with abusive and overbearing mothers who parentified their daughters and babied their sons. Colour me surprised that a Millennial writer has created a variety of parental abuse and neglect stories.

I find it painfully unbelievable when the parents are all loving and supportive hugbears who have time for their kids and want to be involved in their interests and hobbies. Lucifer being distant because he’s so depressed he thinks Charlie hates him and Charlie thinks he hates her because of his divorce with Lilith is the most believable breakdown of communication between a parent and child who do genuinely love each other but suck and expressing it. Next to Stolas and Octavia who are actively currently dealing the contentious divorce of Stolas and Stella which is like. Look, I’m sure that’s messy, but rip that bandaid off because growing up in a house where your parents *actively hate each other* will be worse than the traumatic period of time where they were getting divorced. My parents didn’t get divorced, and I stand by the idea that it was a mistake because I grew up with the idea that marriage was about like… obligations. And if things go right, you want to impart to your children that they can grow up and be happy. That’s the *point* of Stolas and Octavia’s arc. He loves her, he wants to have a happy life away from Stella, and he wants Octavia to have a happy life in a home that isn’t so hostile and loveless. Because growing up in a home where your parents hate each other *sucks*.

Moxie has a piece of shit abusive father he for the most part completely separated from. That makes sense, when your family is fucking garbage sometimes you cut them out. It’s valid, he made a new family. Millie’s family is very tough and no-nonsense and “by the sweat of your brow” from the country, and she ends up being the stronger or more capable one in the relationship because of it. But because Moxie was raised constantly demeaned he has serious confidence issues, and because Millie loves the hell outta him it helps him get out of his head and his self doubt. Parental abuse will fuckin wreck a person’s ability to see the good in themselves, or make decisions. And Moxie having someone love him openly and honestly helps him figure out what’s real and what’s an internal voice implanted by his father.

And learning Moxie’s father was a piece of shit and Moxie was still able to find and accept love helps show Blitzo that like. Having a shitty start doesn’t doom you to a shitty end. Moxie wasn’t just dealt a better hand and that’s why he’s able to have a healthier relationship with Millie. It’s not that Moxie and Millie were from better families and have better beginnings and have better relationships with love (though maybe Millie does) but they allow themselves to love and be loved and they work on healing the hurt.

I feel a little like learning about his and Moxie’s shared trauma of shitty dads gave Blitzo a bit more courage to be able to open up with Fizzarolli, though Moxie’s shitty dad kidnapping them both certainly helped the situation lmao

I dunno if I really have a point but like. 90% of the people I know have issues with their parents on some level and complaining that the characters have issues with their parents in the series is like. Damn, no kidding. Do they also have arms and legs? Perhaps also eyes? Do some of them maybe have mouths?

[ohmygillygoshoppler]

I gotta see some Secret Saturdays content from you because I haven't even though about that show until I read your bio there. I used to looooove that show, I was obsessed with cryptids and paranormal pseudoscience and all that fun stuff, and when the Secret Saturdays first aired I was so pumped! Please tell me you have something to say about that showw? Do you miss it? Did you make and killer OCs for it like you do everything?!

I loved this show sooooooooooo much, it made me look stupid. I think it was like 2008 when the show started and I had never heard of a cryptid until I watched that show. The whole Science Family protecting monster creature dudes and even adopting them screams found family, you know I'm drawn to that like a moth to a flame. Plus, I loved how Zak and Fisk we just sweet little dudes that were brothers and got into trouble, like I loved them, They're my fave character out of the whole cast. Komodo and Zon are cool, don't get me wrong, but my boys are my boys, I'm sorry, I don't make the rule. (I totally make the rules)

But I will not let y'all catch me slippin on Doc and Drew, the were couples goals. They're still couples goals. I love how they have their little disagreements and their banter and witty flirting and still be badass like crimefighters??? Because shiiiit, they're like canonically badass, like black belts and ray guns and hand-to-hand combat, hello??? I loved that. AND THEY SPAR TOGETHER?!?! BABE, SAY LESS. (also Doc is so fine, I know, Gilly has a type, boo boo booooo-)

I realy liked when they interduce Doyle, too. Like woah, wtf okay, Zak's Mom Trauma Hour, she lost her parents in the Himalayas and then was separated from her baby brother in a blizzard- wooooooah, didn't expect that but it made me feel so hard for Drew. He ultimately became such a cool and sweet Uncle to Zak through, so everything worked out in the end.

And Argost. My man V.V. Argost was such a campy villian, I adored him. His theatrical vibes, his hamminess, his autistic ass stance. And his gay little spiderman henchman, too. Yeah he might have tried to groom a child (yeeesh) but he was funny as shit about it, and he ended up being a yeti???!?! Okay, jumpscare, but that was dope! I loved it!

I don't know why they had to kill off Van Rook though, but his voice was super annoying, so I'm glad he died. :)

I would love to see a reeboot or spinoff or something, like I wanna write a fic about Zak growing out of his old friend group and slowly wedging himself into a new one over Visit of the Week fics. Maybe go into some stuff regarding Zak's relationship with his family, how the family copes with him not being around as often, new school, new life, no cryptid powers, maybe new differnet powers. Fuck it, I'll throw in a warewolf if it makes things interesting. I just really like these characters and this universe, and It'd be cool to see it expand and change.

Also Ben 10 and the Secret Saturdays canonically share the same universe, and I never even knew there was a crossover episode.

[therealfailwhale]

A long and personal post that you are under no obligation to read, it’s just time I get it out.

Cw: suicide, self harm, unsafe sex, essentially a trauma dump with a hopeful ending.

Ten years ago, my life changed. My then-boyfriend’s mother went missing on a Sunday morning. We walked through fallen snow around their neighborhood, looking for any sign of her. Eventually, we found the note she’d left on her computer, which is when we realized that she had killed herself. The rest of that day is a blur. Her body was found. Family flocked to the house. And I felt empty. All I remember thinking is wondering who would buy the tea I liked? The snacks? She had always been thoughtful and made sure my favorites were there for when I came over. And I felt awful that all I could think about was missing out on those things since she was gone.

A few months later I broke up with my boyfriend. I began dating an older boy I met at college. Had unsafe sex that I never really enjoyed. Discovered an anxiety disorder, followed by depression, panic attacks, and self harm. When things with my new boyfriend went south, I found myself with another man. He was 8 years older than me, and barely separated from his wife. The sex continued. I drank. Lost weight. Felt constant anxiety. Hit one of the deepest lows of my life when he got back together with his wife. A few months later, they separated again, and he reached back out to me. After the barest hesitation, I let things resume, only for him to break things off again in under a month.

I had my first (and only) one night stand with a man I’d only ever talked to online. Started dating another man in his mid-twenties, having more sex I barely enjoyed. He broke up with me after a month and a half.

And then I turned 20.

I continued to try and date, unsuccessfully. Had one more sexual relationship with a man I did genuinely like, but again I’m not sure that I really enjoyed the act. Four years later I realized I was gay. Eventually, 5 years after that, I realized I was on the asexual spectrum. Which made me feel even worse about all the sex I had, because why was I even doing it? I never enjoyed it much, it was too much hassle, and yet I made it part of my personality for nearly two years.

In one of my first few sessions with my current therapist at the end of 2023, I was telling her about my ex-boyfriend’s mother. How I felt that I was selfish because my main concern after her death was who would buy me snacks. And then, having heard about my relationship with my own mother, she told me that this woman had been someone who cared about me without any real expectations. And that even though she wasn’t my relative, I still lost someone. And somehow, after all the shit I put myself through, it never once occurred to me that I had *lost* someone. I was grieving, even when I didn’t realize it, and I never dealt with how that felt.

Today, 10 years and 2 days since she died, I visited her grave for the first time since the funeral. It took me about one minute to start crying. Our relationship was so simple that I never even thought about how much of an impact her death had on me. I’m still not healed, since I only just started a few months ago. But I’ve finally started after 10 years.

[master-k0hga]

| A L Y S S A |

[ Category: Misc OCs ]

| Rebellious woman with a daredevil like attitude and will literally cause problems on purpose while having loads of fun doing so, she'll start fights and still feels like a champ even if she loses!

This is another rando OC I've had for a very long time too who's very good friends with another OC of mine (who I haven't gotten to completely re-designing yet and I seriously need to cuz I love him too) cuz she's more of like his emotional support while also trying to give him a heart attack with the crazy shit she does.

This is Alyssa, and originally she was like a 20 something year old before I re-designed her slightly a year ago, accidentally made her older than intended and stuck with it cuz it actually suits her a hell of a lot more than I thought it would... So she's like in her 50's now and I feel that works a hella lot better for her development!

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

INFO

Name: Alyssa Species: Human General Personality: Outgoing, confident, troublesome, daredevil, jokester, rough Height: 5ft "5" Relationship Status: Single

Extra Info:

(TW Miscarriage) She got married to a guy she had dated for 10 years, roughly in their early 30's. They tried for a baby, however unfortunately due to health complications of the baby's development she ended up having a miscarriage. Where it took a toll on the both of them they both heavily agreed to get a divorce and go to therapy, they keep in contact as friends now and plan to keep it that way; Alyssa has completely lost interest in relationships and such since and could explain why she has become very rebellious as she got older

She works as a waitress at a small diner up to roughly 4 to 5 days a week with average 5 hours when she's not being a menace to society; Surprisingly enough how she's still got her job after several separate occasions doing time in prison, community service and so on. In the end she's probably just a very good waitress

She's also a biker and loves bikes to hell and back, she's joins a very popular biker gang who mainly go around the city and open up soup kitchens for the homeless; Despite so much trouble, contributing to something like this makes her feel very humble and useful to some things

Loves going clubbing and will most of the time (or always) come out drunk asf; Mainly on weekends of course

She has a personal collections of all sorts of weapons; Custom made knives, tasers, nun chucks and even handcuffs she managed to steal from a police officer before making her escape via a car chase that lasted roughly and hour and 20 minutes before she got caught again. Why they never took the cuffs off of her after that is another question, assumed she must've got them off and dumped them somewhere before coming back for them eventually at some point

She has a good friend who she cares deeply for and will do anything she can to make him feel more comfortable and less anxious doing mundane activities

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

I probably have quite a few OCs in my random collection who mostly deal with a lot of traumas, issues and other problems that people deal with on a daily basis.. So I will definitely be tagging said triggers and so on in case it affects people in any way..

Of course not all of my OCs have terrible habits/issues so hoping I won't make too much of a conundrum when I post my others I have coming soon or in need or re-designing.. Ngl Besides the art I have got already, I don't really have all that much to post minus the other doodles and drawings I've done of my previously posted OCs...

I don't always draw many consistently and that sucks cuz I really wanna do more for them if I want to keep a system going on of course.. Oh well..

That's it I guess-

. Alyssa, Art © Me . DON’T RE-POST .

[justagalwhowrites]

HI BESTIE!

This my first ask ever so I'm a bit nervous, sorry.

I've read all your fics and I love them so much. You are absolutely my favorite writer! "Lavender" is my comfort series (I actually finished reading it for the third time yesterday).

And my question/curiosity is precisely about "Lavander". How do you imagine Doc and Joel's relationship would have developed if Tess hadn't died and had accompanied them throughout the journey?

Again, love you! 💜

OMG Hi Bestie!

I'm so flattered that you sent your first ever ask to me!!! Thank you so so much for reading my work, I love that you love it and I'm probably going to cry for like three days straight that I'm anyone's favorite writer, you are so so kind!

This is such a good question! I've thought about a few variables with this, so here's an idea of what I think would happen ❤️

If Tess survived AND the Fireflies did, too, Joel would have found a reason to travel alongside the Fireflies, much to Tess' chagrin. Joel would have excused it away a lot "We're goin' the same damn direction, may as well take advantage of the extra firepower." But that would have all come to a head when the convoy got overrun and Joel immediately went to protect Doc - not trusting the Fireflies to do it and believing Tess would be fine on her own. Doc still wouldn't really understand and tell him that he and Tess needed to separate from the group and that it had been good to know him but it was time for this to be over. Joel then has to explain that, nope, it's not over and it wouldn't ever be over, not for him and Doc would FOLD. Tess wouldn't be THRILLED about it, but more in a "I think you're going to get my best friend killed" kind of way, not in a jealous way.

If it was just Tess, she'd insist on traveling with Ellie to help protect her. After seeing her not turn after the attack by the infected, she's a believer, full stop. Her and Doc would bond over Ellie and she'd see Joel in close quarters with Doc as he reckons with his feelings for her outside the QZ. Joel caving to his feelings for her was never about losing Tess, it was always a combination of "Oh God this is really the end, I will never see her again at the end of this" (something he's never had to actually deal with before, some part of his subconscious thought she would always be there if he was ever able to come back to her) and the fact that, for the first time, he's outside the QZ for longer than just a few days at a time. The QZ is a traumatic place in general but when you consider that Joel's deepest trauma is the death of his child at the hands of a member of the military, the fact that he lives under military occupation and sees them killing people all the time means he can never recover from that. He physically cannot move past that wound. When he's given space - not that the trip across country was EASY but he had a greater sense of control than he's had in two decades - he can get to the point that he can accept that he will always love her and that losing her would always ruin him, regardless of how close he is to her. Tess knows Joel. She sees this happening and knows how he's struggling with it. She'd eventually nudge him toward Doc - though she'd probably keep her distance from them once they made it back to Jackson, at least for a little while.

I like to think that, in both versions, Tess finds someone who can love her the way she deserves in Jackson and that they get together with Joel and Doc and maybe Tommy and Maria at least once a week. They have drinks, shoot the shit, and have a chance to become real friends in a way that isn't entirely shaped by trauma and survival.

ANYWHO that's the short novel on my thoughts about that lol! I hope that helped!!

Thank you so much for asking, Bestie! So happy you're here ❤️

Love you!!

[mermaidsirennikita]

Any romance recs that give the whole “look back at me” North & South vibes?

I'm thinking that you're looking for the angst and longing of "Look back at me", right? Garbage man cannot express garbage feelings correctly? Feel free to correct me if you want different vibes.

I would recommend:

--Waking Up with the Duke by Lorraine Heath. Lorraine is just angst supreme, and this one is probably my favorite book by her. It's the "hey my guy, will you get my wife pregnant because I cannot and that's your fault" book. After much debate because the heroine loves her husband and hates the hero, the hero and heroine spend a month together at his cottage... Makin' a baby. And it starts out as super formal and weird but becomes this passionate thing and they're totally in love by the end of the month but he has to give her back to her husband and the parting...? The PARTING??? May be the most gloriously angsty thing I've ever read and it's beautiful. I remember this moment where she finally reaches her husband and just collapses in his arms sobbing and you switch to the husband's POV and he's like "fuck".

--Lady Isabella's Scandalous Marriage by Jennifer Ashley. A fabulous marriage in trouble book that kicks off with the hero resolving to get the heroine back after three years of separation. But you also get flashbacks to her leaving him, and a lot of that "we just can't make this work" energy from her while he wants so badly to make it work.

--Once More, My Darling Rogue by Lorraine Heath. Honestly a ZANY BOOK. But the fallout...? It's actually, and I am like 90% sure this was intentional, a retelling of the fully insane Kurt Russell/Goldie Hawn vehicle Overboard, which I've made like seven people in my life watch and every time they go "I think this is a... you thing" BUT! It works in a historical romance setting. Hero was born into poverty but adopted by a duke and duchess, which gives him a complex... Heroine is a spoiled little rich girl type. She always treats him like garbage, and then one night he finds her having fallen into a river, and she has FULL AMNESIA. NO IDEA WHO HE OR ANYONE IS. So he's like "Lmao, I'm gonna prank her by telling her she's my maid, and then I'll send her back to her brother". It gets out of hand. He does not send her back to her brother. And when she gets her memory back? At the WORST MOMENT??? Oh. OHHHHHHH. The way this man is DEVASTATED by his own IDIOCY. TW: discussions of childhood sexual abuse.

--The Truth About Cads and Dukes by Elisa Braden. Hero and heroine have a marriage of convenience after his ne'er-do-well brother ruins her reputation in a non-sexual manner. The hero is very cold and practiced, but gradually he and the heroine get close--yet he still can't let her in despite wanting her so badly because, you know, trauma. Towards the end he thinks she's gonna leave him and it gives this vibe, imo.

--How to Marry a Marquess by Stacy Reid. This is one of those "heehee teach me how to seduce a man who TOTALLY isn't you" books that turns so fucking angsty towards the end. The hero fucks up BIG TIME and the heroine like... refuses to see him, shit like that. Very good.

--The Bride Goes Rogue by Joanna Shupe. Been recommending this a lot lately but it really is that good. Why I think it works for this is just. The very end. When she's DONE with him. And he's that TikTok effect where it's like "BABY PLEASE WHY BABY WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME" after being the mAN IN CHARGE the entire book. Just. Down ridiculous.

--Untamed by Elizabeth Lowell. Old-ish school medieval. The hero and heroine have an arranged marriage, but due to events that are totally out of her control, he doesn't trust her at all and spends a lot of the book like... Expressing this lack of trust. To the point that he basically fucks up the relationship, and she thinks he hates her, when he in fact, reader, THE OPPOSITE of hates her. His grovel is a hall of fame grovel, and it only happens after it's communicated to him that she believes he feels nothing for her.

--A Rogue by Any Other Name by Sarah MacLean. One of my favorite "There he goes, ruining his own life (again)" books. Hero is just! Such! A bastard!!! Horrible man. Love him. He fucks up from the very beginning and spends much of the book trying and failing to communicate the depth of his feeling to the heroine. The Day of the Duchess by MacLean also does this.

--After Dark with the Duke by Julie Anne Long. Definitely has this vibe. Cold duke who ends up giving Italian lessons to the much younger, scandalous opera singer who's staying at the same boarding house he's in. He looks down at her, she thinks he's an asshole (he is), they become friends over time... then they become more than friends... But the age gap/societal differences make them think they can't be together.

--Sweetest Scoundrel by Elizabeth Hoyt. The lovers think they're going to part (by choice) right up until the very last minute when he gets his head out of his ass. TW: the heroine was sexually abused as as child, and this is a huge plot point. The hero is very gentle with her, and much of their early sexual relationship involves her watching him, them like, masturbating in a room together without touching each other, etc. It's a big trauma recovery book.

--Dearest Rogue by Elizabeth Hoyt. Pining with a side of "she's too good for the likes of me". Heroine is blind and the hero is her bodyguard. SOMEONE (hello, Duke of Sin, among others) wants to kidnap her and they end up on a roadtrip together. Shit gets out of hand, but he also firmly believes they can't be together because... class divides, his leg injury means that he ~ain't as good as he once was~ (trust and believe, this does not apply to the bedroom).

--Tbh, the entire Princes trilogy by Elizabeth Hoyt (which I really should reread) has moments like this because the heroes, especially those of book 1 and 2, have their heads entirely up their asses for like. 90% of the book. I love this. It's glorious to me. For me, Elizabeth Hoyt and Lorraine Heath just... know how to weaponize angst perfectly.

--Scoundrel of My Heart by Lorraine Heath. This starts out as a "best friend's brother" book, wherein the heroine is attempting to catch the attention of a duke and has her best friend's SUPER ANNOYING brother help her... and obviously they fall in love... and like, suddenly, it's a totally different book and we have a year-long time jump, and when they meet again she's engaged to the duke and he's a totally different man but... obviously... he still wants her. Angst supreme. Reader, this one did make me cry, which NEVER happens.

[vampyrsutton]

Breakfast Food and Whiskey

Summary:

When Sakusa and Atsumu' bickering gets them kicked out of practice, they're forced to finally face their past.

Ao3 Tags:

Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Alpha, Alpha Sakusa Kiyoomi, Alpha Miya Atsumu, Homophobia, In Omegaverse Terms, Sakusa Kiyoomi is Bad at Feelings, I Accidentally Gave Him Trauma, Past Relationship(s), Getting Back Together, Miscommunication, Post-Time Skip, Angst and Hurt/Comfort

Notes:

For SakuAtsu Omegaverse Week 2023!

Trope: Non-Traditional Quote: Is this really a good idea?

"Knothead!"

"Asshole!"

"Jack ass!"

"Bi-"

"Enough!"

Both alphas freeze as their coach yells at them to separate from where they didn't even realize they were once again getting in each other's faces.

"The fuck happened now?!" Coach Foster yells at them.

"Miya's shitty set was too high!"

"Omi-Omi isn't payin' any fuckin' attention!"

"Shut up!" The older beta yells over them when they start snarling at each other. "I swear to god if I have to treat you like children and stick you in a 'Get Along Jersey' I will!"

"He started it!" They both scoff like the children they were just accused of being.

"Fucking, alphas." Coach mutters. "And I'm finishing it! Are you two nearing ruts or something?! Grow up and act like professionals or get the fuck off my court! In fact, you’re both done for the day! Hit the showers, go back to the dorms, and work it out or I'm benching both of you!"

Both alphas open their mouths to protest, before slumping at their coach's next words.

"Nope! Shut up! Go!" They're ordered, prompting them to trudge towards the locker rooms, still bickering. "Did I not just say shut up?!"

"Sorry!" They groan back, glaring at each other when it happens to be in unison.

Truth be told, they didn't actually hate each other nearly as much as they claimed. In fact, at one point, they had even been courting, though neither had actually realized it.

They had even been gathering the courage to ask each other out when Sakusa presented alpha days after turning 17 and Komori texted Atsumu to let him know about the new alpha rampaging to try to find him. Atsumu had been both flattered and concerned but spent the next several months properly courting the alpha in ways typical to an omega after assuming that's what he would be if his Omi-Omi was an alpha.

He was not an omega.

Unfortunately not even a beta.

No, weeks before turning 18, Atsumu fills the Inarizaki gym with a strong scent of star anise and fresh lavender that would almost say omega if it weren't for the bite of the freshness and that he started to rampage in an alpha hormone-fueled quest for Omi before he ended up tranqued, dragged home by 'Samu and Suna, and thrown into their room with some rut aids for a few days to get his shit together.

By the time he was let out of the room, he'd had a few patches of lucidity to think things through and figure out his next step. He had grown up taught that it was Alphas and Omegas that go together, but he had also known that wasn't true based because of 'Samu and Suna being Alpha and Beta. They even added Komori recently which had increased some extended family's bullshit about needing an omega, but even Atsumu could see they were just fuckin' saps.

With this thought in mind, Atsumu had decided he would still give dating Sakusa a try.

Now if only Sakusa had shared the same thoughts.

"Omi-Omi! Wait! Please! We can work this out, just please give me a chance!" Atsumu had pleaded as he held the other alpha's wrist so he couldn't flee.

He'd been pretty sure he could see pain in those dark eyes, but with Sakusa's expensive ass scent patches, he couldn't entirely tell which somehow made it hurt worse.

"I'm sorry 'Tsu-Miya." Sakusa said flatly, breaking Atsumu's heartbreak further with the revoking of his nickname. "I can't. We're both alpha's. It would be…unnatural…" He sounded like he was reading off a script but Atsumu was too busy spiraling to notice. Sakusa took a shaky breath. "It would be disgusting."

That final statement had been like a slap to the face, but Atsumu's pretty sure that would have hurt less. "Om-"

"Good bye, 'Tsu-Miya." Sakusa monotones in a way Atsumu hadn't heard since meeting him first year. "I'll see you on the other side of the court."

Little did they know that they'd end up on the same side just a few years later, after matching alpha drops, multiple painful ruts, several failed relationships, and a lot of hard feelings that would result in them constantly being at each other's throats when they meet again.

"Dammit!" Atsumu yells as he slams his locker closed after grabbing his towel. "We're fuckin' adults! Why is it still so fuckin' hard for us ta not be assholes ta each other?! It's been like what? Five years?"

"Speak for yourself, Miya. You're the one stinking up the place with your challenging scent. I'm just returning the favor." Sakusa huffs, as he gets his jersey off. For someone so distant, he surprisingly had no trouble just being naked around them all.

Atsumu furrows his brow as he sniffs his wrist before dragging his hand against his main gland to do the same. "I am?"

Sakusa looks at him like he's stupid and Atsumu tries not to snap in response. "Yes, you idiot. It's been five years and you still can't control your fucking scent?"

Atsumu's eye twitches, but his desire to not get benched is greater than his desire to snarl at the other. "Okay, well I don't smell it obviously so when did ya start smellin' it?"

Sakusa huffs, but thinks about it. "…After reuniting? When I was dragged out for the Welcome Party, you were tipsy and started pouring out a fiery cinnamon scent and kept staring at me like you wanted to rip my throat out which obviously pissed off my alpha. I tried to be professional and unbothered as usual but you insisted on being in my space and trying to drown me with it so I started returning the energy."

Atsumu blinks slowly before flushing down past the hem of his sweat-soaked jersey. "Ya said cinnamon?"

Sakusa raises an eyebrow but nods slowly.

"Like French toast cinnamon or Fireball whiskey cinnamon?" Atsumu has to clarify, hoping his voice doesn't convey his horror.

"Usually starts as French toast then morphs into whiskey when we start fighting?" The eyebrow inches higher. "Why?"

Atsumu has to hold back a pup-like whine before he rushes to the shower. "No reason. I'll be more careful. Just know I haven't been challengin' ya. See ya tomorrow!"

The eyebrow drifts back down to pinch with the other as Sakusa frowns. "See you tomorrow?" He mumbles back, wondering not only what the other alpha is hiding, but also if Miya forgot they'd see each other getting out of the shower.

They wouldn't see each other after their showers.

In fact, Sakusa would barely see the setter off the court as he seemed to appear and vanish into thin air outside of that. Sure it meant they weren't fighting, Atsumu only offering Sakusa the bare minimum in terms of conversation and practice notes, but Sakusa had also wanted to actually solve the problem and this felt…it felt wrong.

It brought back feelings he thought he had worked past after his parents had forced him to break it off with the alpha before it could even begin under threat of disownment. He's since gone no contact with them the second his college was paid off, and a part of him had hoped maybe he and Atsumu could work it out, but then his nose had been assaulted with biting cinnamon and crushed hopes.

At first, it had been a softer breakfast food scent, but then the look in Atsumu's eyes had made his hackles raise and it soon shifted to a sharper cinnamon that brought back bad choices from college, and they'd been hostile ever since.

The lack of Atsumu was somehow worse.

He didn't know what to do though.

He had never saved the blonde's new number after joining, he wasn't in the group chats, fuck he didn't even know what dorm was his.

His distress must have been soaking through his patches because Hinata ends up approaching him in the locker room with a look of concern.

"Are you okay, 'Kusa?" The little ginger omega frowns, his sweeter orange creamsicle scent being soured by his worry for his teammates. "Both you and 'Tsum-'Tsum have seemed really out of it since Coach sent you home last week."

Sakusa scowls into his locker, but apparently can't hide the dejected slump of his shoulders or the souring of his scent that he hadn't covered yet because Hinata whines, and Sakusa flinches at the sound.

He's always hated omega sounds. Sure, no one likes distressed omegas, but he couldn't really stand the normal ones either. It had been his first hint when he had started trying to forget about Atsumu in college and started dating around. He knew he was many people's idea of an ideal alpha, and had the hoards of omegas throwing themselves at him to prove it and he tried to like them. He really did, but when their sounds pissed him off and their scents made him gag, he finally had to come to terms with the fact he was not attracted to omegas. He had tried female betas after that, knowing that his parents expected more heirs despite his siblings already having pups, but then he had to come to terms with not liking vagina, and if that wasn't a whole breakdown to Komori as he was forced to come to terms with how badly he fucked up with Atsumu and dammit Toya I miss him so much.

"And you wondered why your parents have been all but exiled from the family." Komori had sighed as he let his clean linen air freshener and fruit cocktail scent out to try to calm the panicking alpha down and drown out the scent of rotting wood. "What do you think the old farts did when I started dating his brother and Rin? They wanted me to either break up their relationship so we'd be in a proper one or I was a disgrace of an omega. Forget that this was the norm for millennia." He sighed heavily now. "Your parents are pricks, and Atsumu had been the best thing that ever happened to you but they used fear to stomp all over that because of some bullshit view of right and wrong."

"And heirs." Sakusa mumbled into his cousin's shoulder.

"Yeah, and that." Komori huffs. "Do you even want kids? I've seen how you are when you get sick. You'd probably stop functioning if you had to deal with a diaper."

Sakusa made a face, shaking his head. "I'm probably not even going to associate with your's until they're like 12."

"Rude, but I should've expected it." Komori snorted, shaking his head in exasperation. "Point it, so you like alphas. Big fucking deal. You've always liked a challenge. Why are you backing down?"

"'Cause he probably hates me after how things ended." Sakusa mumbled, slumping further.

Komori made a face, contemplating if he should tell Sakusa what he knows and ultimately sighing. "He's…He's definitely bitter. Your rejection made him drop, and 'Samu said he came out of it an even bigger bastard but that could just be twin talk. It's been years though and you've both had time. Make friends again at least? You're about to be on the same team after all."

A suffering noise left Sakusa as he prayed for the floor to swallow him, even if it would only put him in the living room and facing someone who looks exactly like his first love. "Can't I just take your Miya up on his offer to spike a volleyball through my head? That sounds less painful."

"Nope. He'd probably weigh it down with lead or something and then you'd die before you had a chance to get your shit together." Komori smirked.

"That would be the point, yes." Sakusa huffed, pushing his cousin away now to pout.

"Just think about it, okay?"

He had.

Sakusa had thought about it non-stop the entire month leading up to him joining the Jackals and had steeled himself to apologize before whatever heart he had managed to salvage from the first time breaks all over again when he was met with what he perceived as animosity.

So he did what he does best when he's hurt.

He lashed out.

And now Sakusa almost wishes he had been benched so long as Atsumu wouldn't be avoiding him.

"I'm fine." Sakusa lies to Hinata, sighing when the omega's nose scrunches.

"You sure? 'Cause you smell awful and 'Tsum-'Tsum isn't doing any better." Hinata frowns. "I try not to pry, but you both smell like you'll drop any minute now."

Sakusa's eyes snap up in horror, not thinking he's doing that bad, but knowing that would be devastating for Atsumu who already suffered one before he even got to finish presenting.

"What?" Sakusa chokes out.

"Your scents are both rotten. Every note of them." Hinata explains. "What happened after you guys were sent home?"

"How close does Miya smell?" Sakusa asks instead of answering, already shoving things in his bag.

Hinata's face scrunches in concern. "Like stubbing his toe is going to make him fall apart? Why?"

"Because he's already dropped once barely five years ago before he even finished presenting. It was my fault then and I don't know what I did this time, but I'm not about to let it happen again." Sakusa rushes out as he slams his locker, not bothering with patches and barely managing to get a shirt back on. "What dorm is his? I have to fix this. I can't lose him again."

Orange eyes widen in horror. "What?! Why did he- not important. I'll bully it out of him later. He claimed room 10 on the second floor." Hinata's eyes narrow now as he blocks Sakusa's retreat. "Break him, and I do the freak quick to your head. Understand?"

Sakusa growls at being blocked from who his alpha still considers his mate, but nods. "I'll provide the ball. Now move ."

He doesn't mean for the Command to slip in there, and he'll apologize later, but right now, he needs to check on Atsumu so wastes no further time in booking it out of there.

It finally registers to him that 10 was his high school jersey number when he's faced with it once more, but he doesn't have time to dwell on it as he bangs on the door.

"Miya! Open up, dammit! You're worrying the team and Hinata says you smell like you're going to drop! Let me in so I can fix whatever I fucked up this time!" Sakusa yells as soon as he hears shuffling inside, before cursing when there's a squeak and a thud. "Don't make me force open the door! Miya-fuck 'Tsumu, please!"

Something in his voice must give away his desperation as a gold eye suddenly peaks through the cracked open door.

"You called me, 'Tsumu…"

Sakusa winces, drawing in on himself at the unknown, but strong emotion in the setter's visible expression. "Sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"Ya should have never stopped ta begin with." Atsumu huffs and the pout on his face reminds Sakusa why they ever thought he could be an omega. "What do ya want, Om- Sakusa? I'm tired."

Sakusa reels as though he had been smacked by Ushijima and makes a pained noise. "Don't. Fuck, don't ever say my name. It sounds so wrong."

Atsumu's eyebrows furrow. "Ya hate Omi-Omi though?"

"I hated the emotions connected to it, but my name is so much worse." Sakusa grimaces.

Atsumu just looks exhausted as he sighs. "What do ya want, Omi."

Sakusa frowns at the incomplete name but sighs. "I told you. Hinata said you smelled like you were close to dropping, and I heard about the first one that happened before you were even done presenting. There's no way you can handle a second one within the same decade. …I came to help. I don't know what I did this time, but I'd probably follow you if I made you drop again." He mumbles near the end as he looks at the ground, choosing not to mention his own drop from years ago.

"Fuckin' omega noses." Atsumu mutters as he sighs. "I'm fine, Omi. Why do ya even care? Ya didn't the first time."

Sakusa's brow furrows as he looks back up at bitter gold. "I didn't hear about the first one until a month before I joined. You think I'd just let you drop?"

It's Atsumu's turn to look confused. "The fuck do ya mean you just hearda it? 'Samu went all the way ta yer house ta throttle ya fer it?"

Dark eyes widen now. " That's what that yelling was?! My parents just said he was pissed I technically broke up with you! I didn't even get to talk to him!"

Atsumu's eyes widen in turn as he finally opens the door to talk to Sakusa properly and fuck he looks like hell. "He said they said ya didn't care an' ya said ta leave. Had no need fer broken alphas in yer life."

Sakusa snarls, eyes narrowing as things start to piece together. "Did you try texting or calling me at all?"

"Had ta have been hundreds a' times." Atsumu frowns.

Sakusa huffs, digging his phone out of his bag and pulling up a contact he couldn't bear to delete. "What's your phone number, Miya?" The growl building in his throat becoming audible as it matches the old contact. "You never changed it."

"Why the hell would I?" Atsumu scoffs, the cinnamon in his scent gaining a whiskey bite with his increasing confusion.

"I never wanted to leave you, 'Tsu- no I don't have the right to call you that-Miya. My parents are old-school conservatives who insist mating and love is between an Alpha and an Omega or any combination that can produce offspring. They were all for it when we thought you'd be an omega, but the second you presented otherwise, it was stop seeing you or be disowned." The growl grows louder. "I was 17, and couldn't afford to be kicked out and was too panicked to think to ask any family or friends to take me in despite multiple offering when they found out what my parents had done." He turns the phone so Atsumu can watch him press call and it goes straight to unavailable. "It seems they were determined to make sure I wouldn't stray, but I haven't talked to them since I graduated college and am shocked I'm even still on their plan, but the least they can do after the emotional hell they put me through is pay my damn phone." A frustrated huff. "I never wanted to hurt you, Miya."

Atsumu's eyes were saucers as he let Sakusa talk before they finally narrow and his own growl joins Sakusa's. "I got that bitch good chocolates fer her birthday, what the fuck?!"

Sakusa nods, dropping his phone back in his bag. "I didn't even get to see Komori again until I went to college after he got with your brother and Suna."

Atsumu snarls as he whips out his phone and starts texting rapidly.

"What are you doing, Miya?"

"Texting yer cousin fer yer parent's numbers so I can give 'em an earful!" Atsumu growls. "I can't fuckin' believe they did that ta ya!"

"To- what? To me ?!" Sakusa scoffs as he snatches the other alpha's phone before he can give his parents an actual reason to hate him. "Miya, you dropped because of me being a coward! What the hell do you mean?!"

"Ya just said ya would've stayed if it weren't fer 'em so really it's their fault that I dropped." Atsumu huffs as he tries to get his phone back, pouting when the spiker drops it into his bag.

"Anyone ever tell you you worry too much about others?" Sakusa asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Constantly." Atsumu shrugs with a roll of his eyes before smiling fondly. "Been a while since I've heard it from ya though. …I missed it."

Sakusa chooses to ignore his face heating as he huffs. "Want to explain what this one was about then?" He asks, trying to get them back on track and curious when Atsumu's face flushes as well.

"Need ya ta answer one more thing 'bout the last topic before I answer that." Atsumu mumbles shyly.

Twin moles inch into dark curls, but Sakusa still nods. "Okay?"

"…How do ya feel now?" Atsumu asks, toeing at his welcome mat. "Did ya actually think I was disgusting?"

Sakusa's eyes darken at the very thought. "I was just parroting them. I loved you but was stupid and scared and convinced I was broken so I listened to the people who were supposed to protect me. I listened clear up until I went to college and could try getting over you, but I can't stand omega's and apparently don't like women so had an entire breakdown to Komori when I realized just how much I had fucked up." He groans as he runs a hand down his face. "…I was going to try to at least befriend you again when I joined the Jackals, but then the postering shit happened at the bar and I was devastated so lashed out back."

Atsumu has a goofy smile on his face but quickly flinches at the end. "Yup. There it is. …So the French toast cinnamon?" He starts awkwardly. "That's my rut/arousal scent. I was starin' at ya like that because I was drunk an' yer still stupidly hot an' I didn't even realize I had been starin' until the rotten mahogany added ta yer scent an' I thought ya still hated me, but now I know it was ya misinterpretin' me bein' a simp, but I didn't know that part until just now so I thought it was leftover hatred an' ya also hatin' my scent an' it felt like a second rejection." He explains as he slumps. "Basically, my alpha took a hit bein' rejected so soon after presentin' an' is extra sensitive ta rejection so when we thought ya hated even our scent, we kinda spiraled again."

Sakusa blinks before sighing heavily. "So we're both idiots?"

"Fer a while, yeah." Atsumu chuckles tiredly.

Sakusa can't help his own tired chuckle as he for once in his life makes the first move by pulling Atsumu through the door and into a hug. "Can I start making it up to you, Miya?"

"If ya stop callin' me Miya, yeah." Atsumu smiles into the spiker's broad shoulder as he takes in the orange and clean linen that he hadn't gotten to properly appreciate the first time. "Missed hearin' ya call me 'Tsumu."

"…I really don't think I have the rig-"

"I will shut the door in yer face right the fuck now." Atsumu growls despite holding the other alpha tighter.

Sakusa can't help but snort. "How did we ever think you could be an omega?"

"Young, dumb, an' in love." Atsumu shrugs as he smothers Sakusa in his scent of star anise and lavender before pulling back to drag Sakusa into his dorm. "Now come on. Hinata was right that I'm close ta a drop, so yer helping with prevention this time."

Sakusa's eyes widen as he's dragged in and he bites back a snarl when a much more sour cinnamon assaults his nose once inside. "Is this really a good idea? Shouldn't you call your brother or packmates or something? Not the cause of the drop?"

"First a' all," Atsumu starts as he takes off his now happy-smelling shirt so Sakusa can cover his nose. "I don't care how much we thought we hated each other, my alpha never stopped considerin' ya pack. Secondly," He drags him into his room now and opens the window to start airing out the depression stench much to Sakusa's relief, "the drop is from what my alpha thought was a rejection. What better way to fix that than showing him you didn't." He nods as he hops onto his mess of a bed and holds out his arms. "Now get down here."

Sakusa makes a face as he looks at the crumbs and wrinkled sheets even as he starts moving forward before Atsumu's eyes widen and he sits back up.

"Shit! Wait! I forgot 'bout the germ thing! Hold on!" Atsumu curses as he jumps back up to strip the bed.

Sakusa visibly relaxes before flinching. "No, I should-"

"I'm an alpha too, Omi-Omi." Atsumu cuts him off. "Let me take care a' ya too."

Sakusa frowns but still relaxes as he drenches whatever is handed to him in his scent as his contribution. "Sorry…"

"Don't be." Atsumu shrugs. "Ya can't help it an' seem ta have gotten better about it at least."

Sakusa still hates it but doesn't have to hesitate this time when he's pulled into the bed for Atsumu to lay on top of him and soak in his presence and scent. "I meant about everything."

"We'll work it out later." Atsumu sighs as he melts against who should have been his alpha years ago. "Right now, I just want ta be with ya. I missed ya."

"I missed you too." Sakusa sighs, basking in Atsumu's scent in turn and finally realizing how anxious his alpha had been when it relaxes for the first time in probably years. "So much."

"Don't ever leave me again." The setter mumbles as mahogany starts joining the mix to lull him into a calm he hasn't felt in years.

Sakusa holds Atsumu tighter as he growls into blonde hair. "Never again, 'Tsumu. Never again."

If they miss the next day of practice and return with mating bites, well, at least they're not fighting anymore.

[superparadise-ghost]

i was wondering where the sad orange boy was omg. what is his book about

he's still kicking for sure! I've been doing a lot of work on his character as well as Adrien's and Bella's, who I guess you might remember if you remember Rhys

(by the way, before I get into this, for anyone who has NO idea what we're on about, Rhys was a Percy Jackson OC of mine way back in 2018. I posted a LOT about him, Adrien and Bella, who were originally the children of Hecate, Aphrodite and Apollo respectively. there was a lot of angst around Rhys, which, rather than fix, I have made much much worse lol)

the book is (at this stage) called Burn your Life Away, and it's essentially a book about deciding that after so many years of misery you want to start trying trying get better. it isn't necessarily about the healing process itself; just that big decision of 'I don't WANT to be unhappy any longer. how can I try and fix this when it's all I know?'.

Rhys (or, if you will, sad orange boy) is struggling with very poor mental health alongside a huge crush on (drumroll please) Adrien Lau-Pelletier, his best friend. the book follows as he meets the mother who has been absent his whole life and who dies literally days after meeting him as a result of her own mental issues. he sees a lot of himself in her and hates it, and realises that he doesn't want to end up like her, so he starts thinking about how to go about seeking help when he's spent the last 7 years pretending he doesn't want it.

along the way he meets Bella Goseyun, Adrien's university friend, who was originally named Bella Swarchovski on this blog. she's a big part of helping Rhys try to get better, and he quickly becomes close friends with her.

due to all THAT going on, Rhys sort of forgets to check in with Adrien, who is a spectacularly bubbly and cheerful guy with a bit of trauma that he doesn't talk much about. this leads to a huge, blown up argument between Adrien, whose struggling with his own relationships, and Rhys, who isn't used to seeing the one he loves most suffer so much.

in the end everything js resolved, but the book covers a lot of real world, tough shit. the background characters all have their own problems that Rhys slowly starts to see as he focuses less on his own misery: Daniel, his older brother, is having troubles with trying to find his place in the world as he approaches his thirties; Bella is working on undoing all the trauma she went through when she was sent away to a Catholic boarding school; Adrien's older siblings, Juliette and Michael, are both on the other side of traumatic events, and this sort of leaves Adrien a little lost, because he's still reeling from them.

anyway. just like in general it's a book about humanity and how rough it can be, but how important it is to not let yourself drown in your own tragedies, and to reach out when you start falling.

my favourite parts so far have been writing Rhys' interactions with Daniel and Bella (separately) because their dynamics are so strange and funny. you have Rhys, who's sarcastic and brooding and self-hateful, and then you have Daniel, who is like an eighteen year old, joyful kid in a twenty-seven-year-old body, and Bella, who's laid back and humorous and mischievous. Adrien and Rhys's relationship is, obviously, also really interesting to write– you can definitely see that they both care infinitely about each other, but before they can properly tackle THAT, they need to look at themselves and realise they have their own issues that need to be worked through.

everyone should feel free to send me asks about the characters or the books! I'd be MORE than happy to ramble about it all. I'm currently 45000 words in, and probably about halfway through. I'm hoping to try and have it published by next year, and finally send Rhys, Adrien and Bella out into the world, after living in my brain (and this silly little blog) for so many years :)