#and the judgment and weird looks and lack of understanding from people makes it all so much worse

[bilestat]

I hate living like this hearing a single chew of gum should not make me want to scream and bash my head into a wall

[cobaltperun]

Woe out the Storm (8) - What have you done

Wednesday Addams x female Reader

Summary: It took some time, but eventually you came to realize only Wednesday Addams could look at the raging storm of chaos and destruction and make a home out of it. Only she could listen to the cacophony of the roaring thunder and hear a melody.

Story warnings: Wednesday Addams, violence, slow burn

Story Masterlist / First part / Previous part / Next part

Word count: 4.8k

-There's a curse between us, between me and you-

Wednesday could admit her interests weren't ordinary, she could admit that neither she nor her family conformed to the norms of the society. She believed in different values; she ranked those values in a way most people wouldn’t. Not choosing violence was, for example, ranked very lowly. As was murder and torture.

Truthfully, it wasn’t the fact that her father was accused of murder that bothered her, it was the fact that she heard about it from a stranger. He was supposed to be an open book, honest with her, with their family and her mother was supposed to be the same. Despite that, they hid the truth from her.

When she set those piranhas loose, fully intending to kill Pugsley’s bully as an act of revenge, she openly told her parents about it. She expected the same openness from them. The society rejected them, deemed them too morbid and weird to be seen as normal; being an Addams meant only relying on select few, mostly family. So, she valued being honest and trusting those select few above nearly anything else.

And they, for their own reasons, betrayed that trust and put her in a position to learn about it in the worst way possible.

To make matters even worse, her father refused to be open with her yet again. He still wouldn’t tell her the truth about what happened, even now that he was behind bars.

Somehow, perhaps against her better judgment, she ended up in front of your shed. It was the first time she came here, the first time she’d step inside. She heard laughter from within and froze just as she was about to reach out for the doorknob. Of course. It was the Parents’ weekend, and you were with your mother. Enid mentioned in passing that you had a good relationship with your mother, that the two of you were close and that you missed her.

You maintained a close relationship with your mother, something Wednesday wasn’t capable of doing, even if she did deeply care about her family and despite knowing they loved her just as much. So, instead of interrupting you and asking you to help her find more clues that could help her prove her father’s innocence, she turned around and left. She’d have to go to her mother after all.

As she walked away, she began to wonder why she wanted you to help her, and truthfully, she didn’t quite understand it. She was perfectly capable of handling this on her own. Maybe it was because you just accepted her, never demanding from her to change, yet still being unapologetically you even when it meant you pushed Wednesday out of her comfort zone, like when you wiped that paint off her hands and face last week.

Or maybe it was as simple as you being honest with her, not once hiding the truth and in turn being frustrated by her own lack of honesty when she didn’t tell you she asked Xavier to go to the dance with her. While Wednesday couldn’t say you ranked honesty as high as she did, she could say you valued it.

If she was completely honest, even with just herself, she might have had it in her to admit the vision she had during Rave’N and what happened with Eugene had a lot to do with that as well. Somehow, deep down, Wednesday convinced herself that if she was there, close to you, maybe that vision wouldn’t come true, and she wouldn’t have to visit you at the hospital or attend your funeral.

~X~

You didn’t always understand how lucky you were. Oftentimes as a child you wondered why you couldn’t have a regular family, with two parents present in your life. Dad was with you a few days a year, around your birthday, and always secretly. Your mom did everything she could, even back then you guessed she did more for you than most single mothers could, but you had some resentment toward your dad.

‘Why couldn’t he be normal, or any other kind of outcast? Why did he have to be a raiju?!’ that’s what you wondered for years, despising the restrictions being a raiju brought to your life. Fear and hatred caused you to separate the beast from yourself, you were a raiju, but the beast was, in your mind, the entirely different being, a creature that had nothing to do with you.

The truth was that you should have begun going to Nevermore much earlier, the moment you showed the first signs of lightning, actually. But you cried and screamed at the mere thought of leaving your mother’s side, and she refused to even consider sending you to Nevermore, or anywhere else, unless you wanted to go. You were eight and she was the only real family you had.

‘Do not underestimate my child,’ she’d say whenever someone told her it was too dangerous to keep you outside of Nevermore, that you’d lose control and hurt or kill someone. Neither side was right though.

It was more of a miracle, than anything else, that dad was home when there was a huge storm when you were twelve, otherwise you really could have hurt someone. That was when your resentment toward your dad began fading away, when he calmed you down, when he taught you how to better control your lightning, when he made sure you didn’t hurt anyone, especially your mom. That was also when you finally agreed to go to Nevermore, because you could no longer risk it.

In the four years that followed your relationship with your dad improved, he dropped by more often, whenever you truly needed him. When you shifted for the first time, or when you really wanted to talk to him, he wouldn’t arrive immediately, but he’d come and see you. So, when you saw Enid’s parents you just decided that you were lucky, that you had a loving mom that accepted you for who and what you were, and that your dad, while not always there, was by your side when you needed him.

And he would come now as well.

So, that was your family and you wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

With those thoughts filling your head you stepped into your room with a bounce to your steps. That energy dropped to a more usual intensity when you saw Enid, lying with her arms spread on her bed. “You’re not a disappointment,” you immediately said as you went over to her side of the room and sat down next to her.

“Tell that to my mother,” she sighed and looked to the side. This wasn’t Enid’s usual mood, even when she was upset, she made sure everyone knew that. Her energy was more similar to Wednesday, if Wednesday ever sulked.

“I will if you let me,” and you were completely serious, if only Enid allowed it, you would gladly have a long chat with Esther Sinclair.

Enid smiled a bit and reached out to you. “Thanks, Y/N.”

You smiled back, taking her hand and squeezing it, offering Enid at least some small comfort.

“How come you aren’t with Wednesday?” she asked out of blue, and you had to resist an urge to facepalm at that. Your eye still twitched, and she probably noticed. “I’m not teasing, she was just looking for you, she even asked me where your shed is!”

That was odd. “Why? Isn’t she with her family?”

Enid sat up, now realizing you really didn’t see Wednesday since this morning. “Her dad got arrested for murder and I think she plans to prove he is innocent,” Enid caught you up to speed with what happened.

You couldn’t help but get a bad feeling in your bones. “Murder + family matters + Wednesday? Yeah, she’s going to do something illegal and morally even more questionable, isn’t she?” you sighed, looking at her part of the room.

Enid laughed uncomfortably. “I mean…”

“She’s going to dig the victim up, isn’t she?” you were just about ready to run headfirst into a wall and pretend you didn’t know she was probably going to get into trouble.

“Maybe sit this one out?” Enid offered, and if you were at least a bit logical and driven by reason you would have listened to her.

You weren’t. “If I get locked up for this, don’t break me out. I’ll deserve every second of my punishment for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“On the brighter side,” Enid’s smirk was already terrifying enough. “You could break you and Wednesday out and go into hiding,” she laughed as your eyes widened and you looked at her incredulously. “She might actually love that!”

“I hate you,” you grumbled as you stood up and took a few deep breaths, you’d prefer to avoid living the rest of your life on the run. Dad being on the run from someone was already one family member living like that too many. You didn’t even know who he was hiding from. You just knew it was serious enough for you to be given your mom’s last name instead of his.

~X~

Wednesday was, indeed, digging up a grave, in fact, she was nearly done when you ran up to her and her mother. “Please tell me you are nearly done,” you whisper-yelled at her. “Hello, Mrs. Addams, it’s good to see you again,” you politely greeted her mother, who nodded with a smile, and then you immediately turned back to Wednesday. “There’s no way this can end well, you know?” it wasn’t even about what she was doing, Wednesday was going to be Wednesday and there was nothing you could do about that, you just wished she would have done it when it was even less risky. Like, way past midnight, with you there to watch out for the police, not like this, just before midnight and without you to stand watch.

“We’ll need to show it as evidence anyway, and they’ll figure out it was us no matter what we do,” Wednesday pointed out and you opened your mouth to respond, but you really couldn’t argue with that logic.

Well, at least she already opened the coffin before you showed up. “Right,” you frowned and stepped down, inspecting the coffin. “If you want me to, I think I can magnetize it and pull it out. Maybe. I never tried to do it with anything this heavy,” and just as you reached down bright light shined on all three of you. “Either the ground swallows me right now, or dad will ground me for the rest of my life,” you just raised your hands in surrender as police arrived.

“There’s a hole right here,” Wednesday suggested.

“I’m not sharing unless I’m taking you with me, Addams,” you deadpanned, missing the way Wednesday’s eyes widened, and the way her breath hitched, and the way her cheeks darkened just a bit.

“How awfully unhinged,” Morticia commented, and you’ve been around Wednesday and Thing long enough to figure out that wasn’t meant to mean what it usually meant. So, you just gave a thumbs up as you got out of the grave, earning a graceful, elegant smile from the older woman.

~X~

Well, at least you weren’t all alone, that was a positive, right? Nope! Because Wednesday’s parents couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and there were bars between them! Suddenly, you understood exactly why Wednesday would be averse to shows of affection and the idea of a relationship. They were unapologetically in love, and very passionate about showing that love, and you could admire that, to an extent, but still!

“Not even the long arm of law could keep us apart!” Gomez went right back to kissing Morticia.

“At least we’ll have one last night together!” maybe breaking out wasn’t the worst idea, because you doubted you could listen to them all night.

And Wednesday was right there!

“I’ve seen jackals with more self-control than you two,” Wednesday somehow managed to get them to stop, though they didn’t properly separate. “Neither one of you is strong enough to serve hard time. And thanks to me you won’t have to,” she said.

“I’ll pretend I’m not included in that. The strong enough part,” you grinned a bit.

“You especially aren’t strong enough to serve hard time,” she shut you down without even a hint of hesitation.

Well, you guessed that was fair.

“I knew our little jailbird will have an escape plan,” Gomez exclaimed as she showed a finger to the three of you wrapped in a black handkerchief.

“It’s a souvenir from our outing, I borrowed it from Garrett, he died from nightshade poisoning,” she explained as her mom took the finger.

“How come the police didn’t find it?” and then you remembered this was Wednesday you were talking about, she probably glared, and they locked her up without even searching her. ”Yeah, don’t answer that one.

The very corner of her lip twitched up as she glanced at you, as if pleased by your realization. “The remarkable preservation of soft tissue and blue tint confirms it.”

“Which means Garrett was dying-” her mom realized.

“-before you stabbed him,” Wednesday finished.

Her parents looked at one another. “You look even more ravishing as an innocent woman,” and they were back to kissing.

“I’m not entirely sure that’s how this situation works, but sure,” you looked away. You guessed poison being there proved self-defense though, and that might just be enough to drop charges. Although, knowing Wednesday she had something else up her sleeve as well.

“For once could you two get off of each other and focus?” Wednesday asked and reached out for the finger. The moment she touched it a vision struck her and you were immediately behind her, holding her up.

You looked at her parents and saw they recognized what happened to Wednesday, which was a relief. Though, there was some surprise on their faces. She probably never mentioned her visions to either of them.

“Wednesday,” her mom leaned in a bit as Wednesday woke up from her vision. “Did you have a vision? What happened? What did you see?”

You stepped to the side, no longer worried that she might fall. Sometimes she fell, sometimes she didn’t, you really couldn’t be too cautious.

“The night Garrett died he had a vial of nightshade poison that broke in his pocket. He wasn’t just trying to kill father, he was going to use the nightshade poison to murder the entire school,” she explained.

~X~

“The sweet taste of freedom! How I missed you!” you exclaimed when you were finally set free. At the same time as Gomez, actually, maybe the sheriff was being petty over you electrocuting his son last year, in which case you could get behind that. “I don’t think we met, I’m Y/N,” you raised your hand to greet Wednesday’s brother.

He nodded, smiling a bit. “I’m Pugsley, thanks for going to jail with Wednesday,” he said sheepishly, though he took cover behind a rather tall man when Wednesday glared at him.

You grinned a bit at that and contemplated just leaving so the family could have a moment on their own.

“Don’t even think about leaving, we’ll go back to Nevermore together,” Wednesday said before you could even consider that idea properly.

“You’re the boss, Wednesday,” you grinned cheekily, much to her annoyance.

You still stood aside, giving them enough space and privacy. You still smiled when Wednesday accepted a family hug.

And then your blood ran cold.

You felt the hair on the back of your neck stand up as the chill ran down your spine. You could recognize the electricity in the air and you knew it was too late. "I'm going to be grounded for the rest of my teenage life," you swallowed the lump that formed in your throat and if this was an anime or a cartoon you were sure you'd have cartoonish tears falling down your cheeks.

He appeared in a burst of lightning, as in control as ever, with that bright orange lightning surrounding him and moving to his will. "Gomez! Why is my daughter in prison, Gomez?!" your dad was pissed, he was beyond angry as he stomped over to Gomez and pointed a finger at his chest. "How did you being accused of murder get her in jail?! Oh, hello Morticia, you look amazing as always," how he flipped between nearly yelling at Gomez to politely complimenting Morticia in a split second you would never understand. You could never.

"You look good as well, Elijah, it's nice to see you after all these years," Morticia greeted him with grace that shouldn't have been a part of her ordinary behavior, yet here you were.

You slowly took a few steps back, hoping to flee while he was distracted by Wednesday's parents.

Wait…

He knew Wednesday’s parents?

"Y/N is your daughter?" Gomez and Morticia seemed to be genuinely surprised. You couldn't blame them, with the different last name and everything.

"My pride and joy, yes," your dad said, momentarily forgetting about the issue at hand and grinning proudly.

It made you stop as you took in the pride in his gaze. You didn’t think five words could have such an effect on you.

“So, about my daughter being in jail,” apparently, he wasn’t going to drop it, so you slowly began backing away again. “Now where do you think you are going, Y/N?” well, so much for escaping silently.

“I just remembered something! See you later, Wednesday!” you were just about to turn into lightning when bright orange lightning circled you.

“Don’t even think about that, kid,” you could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Now that’s just unfair,” your eyes changed back from red to your usual eye color and you slumped to the ground, defeated. Of course he’d use his stronger lightning to prevent you from using your own lightning.

“Elijah, Y/N was there for our Wednesday, don’t be too strict with her,” Morticia came to your defense, and you felt like you’d eternally be grateful to the woman if it worked.

“Your Wednesday?” your dad repeated and blinked a few times, his eyes changing into their natural color, the same eye color you had. He glanced down, right at Wednesday who seemed to be genuinely interested in him. “Ah, Anna did mention a new roommate,” he was piecing together whatever information he had. “The fuck is this Gomez? Another Addams-raiju roommate situation?”

Your jaw dropped at that and you looked at Wednesday only to see well-concealed but definitely there shock on her face too. The two of you looked at each other and then at your fathers. “What the?!” you couldn’t help but yell.

Gomez laughed at that. “It looks like that’s exactly the case,” he agreed as the lightning around you disappeared and you approached the group.

“Wait, the roommate you told me about was Wednesday’s dad?” you asked, still unable to fully process the new information.

Your dad nodded. “Yeah, something like that,” he turned to Wednesday. “Uh, there was a storm, and I lost control for a bit while Gomez and Fester were there, luckily I didn’t hurt them, but, I could have,” he looked away, ashamed of losing control like that.

Wednesday took that information in and looked at you as if she just figured something out. You didn’t like that look on her face.

“Elijah left Nevermore after that, and we haven’t seen or heard from him since. I never made the connection between Y/N and him,” Morticia said, mostly to Wednesday.

“Anna and I figured it was safer for Y/N to take Anna’s last name,” your dad explained. “Not that it helped you to stay out of jail, you little troublemaker,” he pulled you in, ruffling your hair.

You pulled away, annoyed that he kept that habit. “No comment,” you rolled your eyes.

“Just be happy I convinced Weems not to call Anna,” your dad said and took a few steps back. “Come on, now, say goodbyes and follow me, Y/N,” his eyes turned orange once again. “Gomez, Morticia, it was good seeing you and your family. Wednesday, thank you,” and he burst into lightning and went in the direction of the woods.

“Does he not realize that I can’t do that?” you just watched the spot where he was standing moments ago.

“Why did he thank me?” Wednesday asked you.

You lightly rubbed the side of your neck. “Uh, don’t worry about it. Dad can be a bit random at times,” you sighed and pulled out your lucky knife. “I’ll see you later!” and off you went, one burst of lightning at a time.

~X~

You were out of breath and on your hands and knees when you caught up with your dad and he didn’t look even a bit tired. Guess you still had a long way to go. No shit, your lightning was still red, Still, his was orange, and that was just one level stronger than your own. Just how strong would a raiju with yellow let alone blue lightning be? You moved so you could sit down and hung your head low, still trying to catch your breath.

“You did good, that was faster than I expected,” he still praised you, smiling proudly as he sat with his back against a tree.

You shook your head. “It’s not nearly as fast as it should be,” you rejected the compliment.

He sighed, standing up and approaching you. He sat down on the ground a few feet from you. “I don’t care about how things should be, Y/N, I just want you to be happy and healthy,” he said softly.

“I know,” you smiled, having heard those words plenty of times. It was still hard to believe in them.

“This,” he gathered some lightning between his palms and raised his hands toward you. “it’s not a curse, Y/N, and neither are our beast forms.”

The smile fell off your face as you raised your head to glare at him. “Don’t give me that. Not after you left this place because you were also afraid of these powers, of hurting people!” you yelled, red sparks dancing around you almost out of control.

And then his eyes turned yellow, and you jumped to your feet and put at least some distance between the two of you. Yellow lightning raged around him and he roared, loud and powerful, and animalistic, and moments later a huge golden bear stood in his place. He was much bigger than even a grizzly bear, as it was usually the case with raiju. There was barely any lightning coming from his body and you could only stare in awe. The less lightning there was, the more in control the person was, and your dad only had lightning coming from his eyes and front paws. He growled, though there was no threat in it, as if telling you to shift as well.

“I can’t, I can’t control it,” you refused, closing your eyes and turning away from him.

“This is your best chance. While I’m here everything will be fine even if you lose control,” he shifted back. “You’re at your limit. You’ve been restraining it for over two years, and the more you restrain it, the more painful it gets. It might be the next time there’s a storm, or on the fifth, or even tenth storm from today, but you will shift no matter how much you discharge,” he sighed, firmly grasping your shoulder. “Fear isn’t bad, Y/N, but don’t be afraid of yourself. If you aren’t ready to shift now, it’s fine, but give me a call when you feel like you’re ready,” it was the reassurance you needed. His words, his control over his beast form, it eased your worries, even if only a little bit. It gave you hope that maybe you could eventually control your own beast form.

“Okay, I’ll call you when I’m ready,” you promised and hugged him.

He hugged you back, sighing. “I don’t want to scare you, but you need to know one thing. With how inexperienced you are, no matter what happens, do not shift twice in a row. Even if you stay in control the first time, you won’t be able to control it the second time,” his words were definitive, there was no doubt there, for him, or for you.

“I know,” you whispered. “I know.”

“We’re not separate from that form, it’s as much a part of us as the lightning,” and lightning couldn’t do anything but destroy, it was too powerful to contain, direct and use for anything but battle. That was what lightning was, and that was what made it so frightening to take a form of a beast made of lightning.

~X~

The Parents’ weekend was coming to a close, her parents, Pugsley and Lurch were leaving. Your father already left, as did most of the families. You were close to her, seeing as you just said goodbye to your father and he wanted to say goodbye to her parents one more time, and meet Pugsley this time. So, even after your father left, you stayed nearby, waiting for Wednesday so the two of you could go back to your room.

You wouldn’t be waiting for much longer, her mother said her goodbyes, showing Wednesday affection in a way Wednesday was comfortable with, with air kisses and turning to leave.

Wednesday paused, contemplating her choices. Finally, the need to understand, the need to be aware of potential effects it could have on you pushed her to say. "Mother," she called out, getting her mother's attention.

Her mother halted, turning around with just a subtle hint of surprise on her face. "Yes, Darling?"

"Goody told me to use the raiju," she said, she didn't want to admit it, but the choice of words and what she saw, especially after what her mother said about Goody, it just felt wrong.

Her mother sighed, a heavy, foreboding sigh Wednesday rarely heard. "Once in every generation an Addams forms a deep bond with a raiju," her mother revealed, just for a moment looking in your direction. "It can be friendship or love, many believe Goody was in love with her raiju."

Wednesday's eyes widened, and the way her heart began beating just a bit faster made her uncomfortable. "I've never heard of a raiju in our family," she argued, trying to, at the very least, remove love from the equation.

"Because there wasn't any. Despite all the times an Addams fell in love with a raiju. Those bonds always end in a tragedy, but especially when there was love involved, the raiju always died for their Addams. They are powerful, and that power makes them reckless," this time Wednesday was the one who looked at you, and as if you felt her eyes on you, you looked up and grinned at her. It made her feel nauseous for a moment.

"Her father is still alive," she tried to argue once again and for once didn't mind her mother placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Friendships sometimes ended up with raiju no longer capable of living a normal life. Maybe that's why Y/N carries her mother's last name, or maybe they broke the cycle," her mother paused for a moment. "Or perhaps you and Y/N will."

Wednesday clenched her fists. "I don't feel that way about Y/N," she claimed, even if her actions spoke otherwise. "Especially if it's tied to some kind of fate or a curse," she didn't want to feel like she wasn't in control, especially over her own emotions.

"Darling, even if it was fate, would that make those feelings any less genuine? Regardless of the nature of those feelings?" Wednesday remained silent, not quite able to put into words how she felt.

She just looked at you again. Death was never something she feared, she was even excited about it. The idea of you dying for her, however, wasn't thrilling to her. It made her feel dread and not a good kind of dread. She made a mistake, staying close to you wouldn’t prevent that vision from coming true, staying away from you would prevent it. So, Wednesday made a decision, you would no longer be involved with her investigation. When she looked away from you she pretended not to see the smile on her mother's face.

A/N: Feast on the quick update! It won’t happen again for some time! Anyway, five episodes down, three to go, and eight chapters down, seven to go, the math isn't mathing here people! Also, is it just me or did I somehow manage to write a relatively healthy parent/child relationship? Damn. That might be my biggest accomplishment.

[tocomplainfriend]

Responding to your post about fiction affecting reality: very well-written post and that’s something I agree with wholeheartedly!

Full disclosure: I am a Vivz supporter and don’t really interact with the critique community because of negative past experience (hence the anon), but I really liked your post as it was well-researched and brought up a lot of points that I did agree on. Mostly that, as you evidenced, “it’s just fiction” isn’t a great argument for poorly portraying a serious concept when there can be tangible consequences for that portrayal. And you gave some really striking examples.

In terms of Hazbin, it is not that I believe that Val’s portrayal as an abuser (and consequently Angel’s as a victim) lacks any impact, but instead that it adds a positive one. This isn’t something I’ve researched so the evidence I have of this is personal experience, but as you said in your post that media can affect real life I felt inspired to add to that conversation with how it personally affected me.

So I was aware rationally that a common result of abuse/SA is hypersexuality, like I’d seen that on psychology blogs and such but never really understood it. I’m ashamed to say I thought it was a little weird and very rare. Hazbin was what finally challenged that notion with me. Being able to see how abuse looks and attribute those events to Angel’s actions step-by-step made something click in my head. I even remember that shortly after seeing that episode, I apologized to one of my friends (a survivor themselves) over some judgmental comments I’d recently made over hypersexuality. Said friend also watched Hazbin with me and it’s the reason they talk more openly to me now and we’re a lot closer. Val’s “stupid” behavior in the show and mentioned in Vivz’s comments did not lessen the impact that episode had on me, or make it unbelievable to me that Val could be manipulative. If anything I understand more now that abusers don’t always appear as psychopathic masterminds. And I know my friend finds comments like the Mean Girls one funny and they tell me it’s empowering to make fun of Val’s incompetence.

That’s not the only positive influence Hazbin’s had on me, but the most relevant to your post, I believe. It’s the reason I’m often a skeptic on most criticisms, because my lived experience tends to go against them. You said the negative impact of Val was that people are drawing fetish art of him, but the only time I ever see that art is within critic’s posts. It never shows up in my regular feed, so it looks to me like he’s equally as fetishized as every other character; the unfortunate inevitability of the internet. I can’t say I’ve seen anyone post about stories like mine about learning to understand survivors, but I have heard positive stories from survivors themselves in person and online which lead me to believe that the positive impact outweighs the negative.

Fiction has real impact, very true. But consider that might be a good thing in this case.

Thanks for being respectful!

TW: Rape, SA

I'm a victim of SA myself and that's why I wrote all of this post. If you got something positive out of this piece of media, that's great. Same with victims that saw potion and were okay with it- that valid as much as the people that didn't like it at all. I recommend watching many others shows yourself (or movies, books, whatever) will help you out with sorts of topics in bigger ways. I understand you feel like you got something good out if (and I'm glad) but I do need to say, this is minimal in comparison to other media you could consume regarding the topic!

I personally suffer with Hypersexuality, and the treatment in the show (and merch and otherwise) I found completely wrong. Even if you got to a good understatement of the topic, please put research into it (also outside Tumblr for that matter! There are better places to find stuff about!). Thank you also for admitting your faults over your treatment of hypersexuality and apologizing for it. Many people will never let themselves grasp this concept, so thank you.

If you took Valentino's comparison to Mean Girls or Powerpuff Girl as a way of making fun of him, that's you. I found it, personally, terrible. Specially cause many comments regarding that (that I put on the post) were people actively disregarding the topic at hand. Saying that Valentino is just a karen, or He is Bubbles coded, feels so out of the realm of everything (the last one didn't feel like making fun of him). I don't like the comparison of an active sexual predator to a mean high school girl or a kinder garden girl that's regarded as bubblely or dumb. Feel like you should reach into his actions over It feels diminishing to me and other people (who also complained about this themselves).

People should be extremely careful of what they portray about this topic in media. Other stuff written in Hazbin or Helluva Boss regarding R-pe jokes also is extremely disgusting to me. Never forget that if you think this portrayal is ok, one episode apart it's a gang r-pe jokes towards Sir Pen... and an r-pe joke towards Moxxie in Spring Brakers. Which I find extremely disrespectful to do and adds to r-pe culture as much as any other r-pe jokes (general or towards men) in media. Especially when they want to portray it in a serious way with Angel, where was that energy then? (Don't say Viv didn't write that, she liked a tweet about the Sir pen joke, and the spring braker is written by Viv and Brandon.)

Also, about manipulation:

The tweet right below says that "He isn't manipulating them" because he is too stupid to do so. Responding "The Vees are just meangirls" it's crazy to me.

About "You said the negative impact of Val was that people are drawing fetish art of him, but the only time I ever see that art is within critic’s posts. It never shows up in my regular feed"

Val has being fetishized by the crew itself! The person (who is not an SA/r-pe victim said by themselves, who has being open of shipping ValxAngel and being into r-pe porn) is the one that produce the whole poison part of the episode (also based on his previously non canon ValxAngel comic). You could also go throught the people Viv's responds and likes and it's mutuals with, and they also do the same thing as this crew-member (Raph). Congrats that it doesn't appear in your timeline, tho. If this art appears in a critic post, it is because it's being criticized or brought up to make a point.

[It's not on my blog yet, but I don't like receiving double ask in the inbox, specially of anons! Sorry. I don't know if it's the same person or not, and I don't want to end up receiving 5 asks in my inbox again.]

[blueepink07]

Yuno's birthday is today, so I decided that I wanted to post something for her! I quite struggled to find a topic to talk about, because there are already many analyses of her birthday art, so I decided to take a look at the interrogation questions, and found something really interesting!

(not sure if it's a tw, but I talk about some negative aspects of society and some more or less sad things that life has to offer!)

"How many years do you want to live?"

Considering that with every birthday you are aging up, I wanted to do a short character analysis for Yuno, and reasons for why her answer makes sense. (Also, I felt like this answer of hers was overlooked a little!)

1. Yuno is a realistic person: she stated it herself in the interrogation questions and actively shows this in the voice dramas

"A realistic person is someone who believes that the world has a certain way of working and is willing to accept it. Realists are the people who believe that the world is not perfect and that there will be problems. They are not idealistic and have few unrealistic expectations."

In the first VD, Yuno shows understanding of how the real world works, how people act in certain situations, judge their peers for their own selfishness, to feel better about themselves. Yuno, despite her young age, already grasped the negativity traits of the society and how themselves are the cause of the enclosure of their minds and specific features in order to fit to what is considered the norm and morally accepted.

However, she thinks different in comparison with the majority. Yuno lives for fun, she wants to experience exciting things! She wants to avoid boring activities or situations. Problems or any kind of inconvenience are considered bothersome.

And there are plenty examples for that!

Yuno second voice drama:

"Yuno: I said so at the start, didn’t I? That punishing people outside of the law is boundless. And so I had no interest in Milgram.

Es: Yes, I remember. You said that you would pay my judgment no mind and remain as you were.

Yuno: Oh! That’s right! I’m happy you remembered. But, you know, I didn’t exactly hate it, Milgram. It’s nothing but weird people but it was warmer than my day-to-day life.

Es: It did appear as though you were having fun.

Yuno: Yes, it was fun! They may be murderers, but they’re interesting people! It puts me at ease, in a way, that we’re all people lacking in something.

Es: You are saying that that changed and it’s my fault?

Yuno: Yep! This situation’s bothersome-ness has won out over the fun so I am extremely cooled off. That is all."

During first trial, Yuno felt accepted in a group where everyone was lacking something. They are all murderers, so they can't be considered the norm or morally accepted. It was a mutual understanding that they are all different, they did something unusual, and so, for Yuno the atmosphere felt nice, calming. She always felt excited, because Milgram was a nice change of place for her, different from the judgemental people from outside who were bounded by the rules.

That's why she is expressing her total distaste towards Es's actions. They are the same as the society: judging the prisoners constantly, enforcing rules and punishments which are constraining their lives in Milgram.

Moreover, because of the first trial results, the prison is no longer a safe place, because of the conflicts that arose between characters, for example: Kotoko's rampage, Amane and Shidou.

If during the first trial, they were all the same, some people stuck in a weird prison, due to their unusual actions, in second trial, they were divided into two groups: forgiven and guilty, resulting in having different treatment, creating an imbalance between them.

The forgiven prisoners, although they still lack a certain something or desire, with an innocent verdict, it diminished a little that feeling of emptiness, happy that there is someone who understands them.

Haruka second voice drama

Haruka: I wanted to thank you, Warden-san!

Es: Thank me?

Haruka: Because you forgave me, Warden-san!

Es: …

Haruka: Because you told me that what I did wasn’t wrong…! That’s what changed me! I was saved by you, Warden-san…

Muu second voice drama

Muu: Ah, it’s been a while, Warden-san. – Things have gotten tough, haven’t they… Everyone seems to be struggling and the whole atmosphere feels tense because everyone’s struggling, it’s really troublesome.

Es: Is that so?

Muu: But as for me, I think Milgram has become a lot more comfortable! I know now that I can get whatever I want if I ask for it, so I don’t need to be so on edge anymore.

Or it evoked a new purpose in their life, a new change in their mindset.

Shidou second voice drama

Shidou: I need to be punished… but I need to stay alive, or young lives will be lost. I… I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I’m starting to think… that I want to live. That I want to be forgiven. Despite being so riddled with sins…!

The guilty prisoners, however, if they lacked something before, now that feeling is amplified. Some of them lost confidence of their initial thoughts, are broken and injured.

For Yuno, this imbalance of treatment between prisoners is similar with how people are acting in the real world. Those who have it better tend to turn a blind eye towards the problems. They are aware of them, but most of the time, don't act to resolve them, because it isn't a concern, or there must be someone who can take care of it. Sometimes, people tend to judge those who have it worse, because there it always must be a reason for why they are in such a difficult situation, most probably it's their own fault.

Yuno, herself, doesn't really like to associate with bothersome situations and problems, but she knows when she needs to take responsibility and will do anything to assure that her family and friends are in good health. When Shidou is not around, Yuno is the one who keeps Mahiru company and makes sure that she is fine!

In a way, it makes sense why Yuno dislikes Haruka and Muu. Although they know about these problems in prison, they were never seen trying to help a little, always living in their own bubble! Muu's lack of concern in this situation annoys Yuno, as it easily resembles the way society is.

Muu: The ones who are suffering are the ones who have done bad things, right? You know, like, what goes around comes around.

Es: …

Muu: Besides, Kotoko hurt and was mean to the people who didn’t get forgiven by you, right?

Es: …Yeah.

Muu: Wouldn’t it be weird for me to have any thoughts on that, then? After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. You forgave me!

Moreover, Yuno is an expert at reading the atmosphere and changing the way she acts based on which person she is with or situation, something that Muu doesn't really bother with.

Muu and Yuno timeline post

"Mu: Hey~~~Isn’t everyone a bit gloomy lately? I get that this situation isn’t ideal, but you’re really bringing down the mood for my birthday.

Yuno: Haha, surely even you can tell now’s not really the time for something like that right. Nobody’s really in the mood, or rather nobody has time time to deal with something like that."

It gets quite long, so I'll get to the point! Explaining why Yuno hates the society, makes sense for why she answered like this! She gives herself enough time to experience adulthood, as she wants to have a job which would interest her and still wants to experience some fun along with it! But she doesn't see herself as spending so much time in a world like this. Because it's too serious, too complicated and at a certain point, she'll get completely bored of it!

"Do you have any dreams for the future?"

2. As the years pass, you grow older and such have more problems or struggles. Financial issues, stress at job, taking care of the house, maintaining relationships can be more harder, feeling of loneliness.

Moreover, 40 years old is in average almost half of the lifetime for humans. In the second half, you start to experience a decline in health, meaning more stress and pain.

Describing all these in such a negative light really looks like there is a lot of hassle...

As I stated before, Yuno would dislike all these problems, it deprives her from the fun time and from the warmth she is actively seeking for.

Also, this timeline conversation with Amane, let us see an interesting part of her character!

"Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break.

By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that."

It's human nature to wish to escape from this world, every time you reach a difficult point in life.

It seems that Yuno quite thinks the same. Despite not experiencing this feeling, because, so far, she had lots of fun, she doesn't have much interest in living in a world where there are many problems. She doesn't want to struggle much, so adulthood, if she's unlucky and doesn't fulfil her wish of having an interesting job, would not be very exciting...

Also, she doesn't have a positive world view when it comes to hardships.

Yuno first voice drama

"Yuno: Hm~What's this? A lecture? Are you a believer in Seishinron? I hate them more than anything else, you know?"

She's realistic, this kind of belief is used to motivate people in order to work more. It's an idolized version of the world, in Yuno's opinion. Already having this mindset, means that she is aware that not every future problem can be solved. Health problems? It depends a lot of the circumstances, but unfortunately, not always they can be overcomed. Stress at job? Or it's just a temporary event, or it is the norm. The option would be to find something else, but that also means again stress and sometimes is very difficult to find.

Anyway, Yuno gives herself time to experience adulthood, but doesn't want to spend much time as an adult.

3. Old people are most of the time treated as nuisances by the society...

And the way they are depicted, is something that Yuno would never want to be referenced!

Weak, frail, feeble... Financially distressed.... It reminds me of a certain line...

"Yuno: I’m not pitiable. My family gets along super well. And I’m not particularly struggling for money. I decided, of my own free will, to do it because I felt that it was necessary for me."

People tend to remember relatives mostly by the last moments of their life, usually when they are old. Yuno doesn't want to be remembered as weak, old or fragile! She wants to be remembered as a strong person, smart and fun to engage with! That’s why she would rather live a shorter, healthy life, than to be considered something that she hates.

4. In most cases, when people reach adulthood, they see their parents growing old. They are struggling due to health issues and, as their child, it can be hard to watch something like this. Also, you have this anticipation that one day, you'll never see them again.

Despite 40 years old it's not the most predominant age when it comes to family loss, there are still many people that experience grieving at younger ages.

Yuno cares deeply about her family, as stated in interrogation questions and minigrams. For her, the idea of losing a family member will be very sad and painful, a concept that she doesn't want to think of!

Interrogation question examples:

"What do you think about your family?"

"Is there someone you want to see right now?"

"Imagine you receive 1.000.000 yen that you must spend right now: what would you use them for?"

"If you had one wish, what would you use it for?"

If I think about it, Yuno has the most interrogation questions in which she is talking about her family!

Also, the minigram in question in which is shown her wholesome bound with her brother!

40 years old would be the perfect age in order for Yuno to not see her family members being in pain or, worse, losing them...

I hope I gave a good insight of Yuno's character and explained why this answer makes so much sense!

Thank you for reading! ~ 🎂

[jackdaniel69nice]

I know that dark shadow and Tokoyami have different personalities, but do you think there's anyone they feel the same about?

There are a couple people who could fit that but I would say the best answer for that is Midoriya! If we are strictly following canon their first interaction is with mido asking tokoyami to join his team and making some perfect analysis for dark shadows capabilities. Tokoyami was thoroughly impressed and dark shadow was very flattered mido was paying so much attention to them. The thing that makes this unique is that their friendship starts on equal footing, with mido recognizing both tokoyami and dark shadow from the beginning. If you want to delve into non canon lore there was an anime short released that has the class return to the USJ to do some actual rescue practice and tokoyami and Midoriya got to interact there. Midoriya gushes on about how cool dark shadow is and tokoyami just looks so shocked.

For tokoyami and dark shadow it is rare for someone to recognize dark shadow much less regard them as their own individual, ESPECIALLY from a first impression. This is probably the only time it’s happened to them to be honest. Tokoyami tends to create a divide between himself and others because of their lack of awareness for his Other. It takes time for people to understand and get to know dark shadow before he can tell them about their true individuality. From having an avian mutation to a “villainous” quirk people are mostly afraid of him, much less willing to accept a sentient quirk on top of that. But Midoriya bypassed ALL of that, he finds them amazing and cool, so tokoyami allows himself to form a connection in turn.

Talking to Midoriya makes Shadow feel like a person. They feel recognized and get the attention they have been craving, and tokoyami couldn’t be happier for them. The only other people to regard dark shadow so highly were their grandparents, and now they are gone. For however much of a divide tokoyami makes between himself and others, dark shadow’s is twice as big. Shadow is a creature of darkness and everyone else are creatures of light. They long to be close with others, to walk in the sunlight with them, but it’s just not possible. Tokoyami can bridge that gap, he can walk in the light for BOTH of them, but it’s not the same. Midoriya doesn’t even know how important it was to Shadow that he took that first step and reached out to them first. Maybe this is a little dramatic but shadow has big feeling and is very emotional actually.

On a completely normal note, there are lots of things about Midoriya that tokoyami and Dark shadow both feel the same way about. Mido reminds tokoyami of dark shadow, he is excitable and chatty and actually pretty funny. Shadow thinks Midoriya is adorable with how expressive he is and loves to tease and get reactions out of him. They are all smiles when mido is around. He is never judgmental towards others interests and even said their room was cool.

There are also lots of things shadow and toko have in common with mido. Midoriya has a kind heart but also a dark side. When Shadow was going on a rampage during the summer camp he was determined to help save everyone, that sacrificeing nature to protect others at any cost is one the twins know well. When mido leaves UA that self isolation and destruction is all too familiar of a darkness for tokoyami to sit back and let happen. Midoriya is also…odd, he can be creepy with his mumbling and taking notes on people which can weird people out but tokoyami understands his odd nature and see him as a kindred spirit. As a consequence of their unique behavior’s, both tokoyami and mido were bullied growing up, and you know what they say, misery loves company. Really, Midoriya’s embodiment of both light and darkness is what makes him so compatible with shadow and tokoyami because they are the definition of dual nature.

(Speaking of dual natured, todoroki was a close second for this ask, maybe I will write about him some other time)

Honestly I wish I could tell you all the reasons Midoriya likes tokoyami and dark shadow but that would turn into a complete mumble storm. He could go on and ON about how funny and cool and amazing they are. In fact since tokoyami is so secretive Midoriya keeps all his notes on them in a separate journal, and there are a LOT of notes. From personality traits to possible special moves mido is completely facinated by these little birds.

As far as hang outs go dark shadow loves to sneak over to his room in the middle of the night when they know he’s awake. They are both chatty so from hero’s to quirk specifics they never really run out of things to talk about. It is dark out though so dark shadow can be a little rambunctious. They watch movies or tv shows to calm down. Tokoyami is a better listener than a talker but Midoriya has a way of making people feel comfortable and getting them to open up. He’s willing to tell mido about his interests and even some of his secrets. He’ll talk about the prequirk era, gothic literature, and some of his past and insecurities. Midoriya is also one of the only people tokoyami likes to train with, he prefers to create his special moves in secret but mido is full of good ideas and advice so he helps them. Midoriya finds all of Tokoyami’s little hobbies fascinating too so he is always willing to learn and join in when toko is doing something fun. Sometimes they will sit together and write in their journals while listening to music.

Mido and toko can talk to each other very easily because of their shared issues, they are both good at giving advice and reassuring others. They might not interact a lot but their friendship is strong.

[cody-paranatural]

I am afraid that Coby is setting himself up to be severely and devastatingly disappointed with his conclusions about his mom.

THAT BOY IS SETTING HIMSELF UP FOR SOOOOOO MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT <3 

I love Cody’s in-universe theory crafting So Much. I love how much he was able to piece together (he’s a clever little guy :] and a schemer. i say that with all the love in my heart btw) and also in the spirit of actual real life theory making how he completely missed the mark on some of his guesses. And it’s understandable!!!! It’s not like he knows his mom is a weird special werewolf that never changes back into a human. Because that’s straight up not how being a werewolf normally works and why would he assume his mom is an exception he doesn’t even know is possible. 

Something going wrong with Cody’s plan was pretty much inevitable the moment we found out about it, and I for one can’t wait to see how things turn out thanks to Cody’s several incorrect assumptions. And I LOVE how extremely confident he sounds about all of it. “The uncertainty was theater; he’d decided he was right.”; “Cody had no doubt in his deductions.”

Cody my boy, some doubt and uncertainty would do you good in the long run I think. It’s not very surprising though, since we see him make the exact same mistake before! Cody is a pretty capable 12 year old and he knows it, and that’s good! It’s good that he knows what his strengths are. The problem is that he gets so sure of himself that he ends up being overconfident and underestimating those around him. Like with hitball for example! 

Cody knows he’s good at this, he’s quite literally supernaturally good at sports. He’s so sure of his abilities that he told Hijeff that he has to go carry the team. And that overconfidence is how Dimitri, Max, RJ and Ollie got him in the end. Because if you look at Dimitri’s plan, how complicated that whole thing is, it becomes clear that Dimitri used Cody’s confidence against him. Like Dimitri was So Sure that Cody would easily dodge all the other throws (and he was right) and that Cody would get so caught up in the fact that he didn’t have much trouble with dodging them, including the one they made to look like their final one, that he would stop paying as much attention to his surroundings (and again. he was right). Which goes to show that this is a quite noticeable quality about Cody (though to be fair, Dimitri is very clever and seems to be quite good at picking up on these things (at least when he’s able to look at things somewhat objectively, Dimitri tends to let his feelings cloud his judgment.)). 

And that’s not even counting his thoughts “I’ll just slip through the cracks” and his little mind monologue from when he was about to get hit with the golden switch. It also ties into something else I really like about Cody, which is how similar he is to his dad and his absolute lack of self-reflection about any of it <3 Cody is obviously nowhere near as bad as Davy, but the similarities are there! And it makes sense since that’s just how kids work, they get influenced by the people around them. Like, Davy’s absolute trust in himself, his extreme confidence, those are things I’ve just discussed about Cody taken to their extremes. And the list goes on! Just look at Cody’s extreme protectiveness over his friends and his tendency to keep them in the dark. Or the fact that both Cody and Davy do the thing where they carefully control conversation in a way that lets them learn as much information as they can (we can see Davy do this on page 1 with Peter Puckett, and Cody mentions doing the same with LB and RB on page 47, Zack even used similar wording to describe what they did). Or their shared love for theatrics. I just find that so interesting and fun to think about! It’s great :] 

Also I am going to change the topic and talk about how EXCITED this update made me about future interactions between Jean and Cody. I had a mighty need to see these two interact ever since I subscribed to the “Shrike is Cody’s mom theory” and seeing that theory confirmed already made that excitement grow tenfold. But now? Now that we know that Shrike was faking her death for like 3-ish years (Zack confirmed on twitter that they were around the same age as in the first chapter 7 flashback, and based on Cody’s age I’m assuming that Jean, Rick and Mina were 13-ish when Shrike faked her death), and was watching him from the shadows. Now that we know that Jean was wrong in chapter 7 when he said “She would have come back for me, she would have!” (I love Paranatural mentor-mentee/parental figure-child relationships I love how adults never fail to let down the kids they’re supposed to be looking after I love how it all either stems from them prioritizing their own problems or pushing everyone away, thinking that keeping them in the dark is the best way to protect them I love how that secrecy just keeps causing problems for everybody. It's so good.), because she left, thinking she was doing the right thing. Like Jean thinks that the only reason she wasn’t with him is because she was stuck as a werewolf ever since whatever accident he was talking about in chapter 7. And we know that’s not true! And talking to Cody would make that Very Clear, since Cody more or less knows the date Shrike actually disappeared for good. Do you all see the vision. It’s gonna be GREAT.

[drbased]

In my experience, depression is what happens when I don't trust myself, when I don't take myself seriously, when I believe that there are things I 'should' believe and things I 'should' do and ways I 'should' behave. My depression felt like a form of rebellion against the world that says I should be fine with my childhood, or maybe even have deserved what happened to me - but I now understand that my depression was not a rebellion but rather a panicked outsourcing of my pain. If I keep the misery going, if I can make grandiose statements on the nature of how messed up life is, if I can just show them, show them all, that I am *not* happy and this is *not* how life should be... then I've made my sadness meaningful because it has a justification that can be universally understood and acknowledged, and I've found 'proof' that I deserve to be sad because other people can feel empathy for me. I made my sadness so big because the idea that I was sad about something that I percieved to be small - or, I was worried others would percieve it to be small - was so humiliating it wasn't even worth addressing. I couldn't just trust myself, take my own sadness seriously - it had to be worth something to someone else, it had to be bigger than me. The eventual realisation I had to make is that my emotions are my own: I'm allowed to be sad, to be angry, to be irritated, about whatever the hell I want - and this only becomes a 'pathology' when I suppress it and either cover it up with comfort-seeking, or only allow it to come out in the form of a huge grandiose breakdown worthy of a gothic novel, or obsess over trying to 'prove' it right, procrastinating on ever feeling it fully. Depression, for me, was the result of procrastinating on my own feelings until I reach periods where I cannot take it anymore. It's a lack of honesty, a feeling that the only value of my emotions is to some external judge. Instead, I came to recognie that my feelings are mine and they're worth something purely because they're mine and I can have weird opinions and be opinionated and that's just being a person and having a personality. Depression was how I chipped away at myself because I was terrified and humiliated over the reality of me simply being a normal human being and generating meaning through something as mundane as my normal human life and giving it value simply because it's my life.

In many ways, my depression, symbolic state of mind, and pathological demand avoidance all have this void of personality as the origin. Saying 'I have depression' makes it sound as if depression is an addition to your personality; a tumour that should be artificially removed. But my depression is an attempt to make meaning where I was specifically avoiding seeking meaning in my own mundane life. It is an attempt to justify my emotion because I see my emotions as a personal failing. It is an outsourcing of my personhood to some nebulous watcher and judger, who I can meet at the pearly gates and can tell me I achieved success as a person - I was disciplined, I was moral, I did everything right. Even my thoughts were right, because I'd made sure of that, and my emotions were right, as I'd put them under constant examination and reflection. The symbolic state of mind requires that there is an external judgment, just as pda does, just as, so I found, depression does. All of them exist inside my mind to address the exact same problem: that as a person, I do not feel that I exist for me - I'm put on this earth to be a problem-solver, and because I think and feel deeply, I have an obligation to be 'of use' to the rest of the world. After all, if you look at it logically, I am but one person, and if it's my minor discomfort vs the discomfort of others then it's one versus many, and the many takes precedent over the all. But it went deeper than that - I was so disconnected from my reality as a human being that my conscious self percieved 'me' as a category of person to take into consideration when making my moral and logically correct decisions. So I would go to a restaurant and think 'this is what drbased would like, so I will order that - oh no, but that's really pricey and drbased doesn't like to pay that much, so I guess I should go for the cheaper option? Oh, now I feel really bad for some reason...', or go to boardgaming event and think 'drbased likes this game, but also drbased likes those people playing that other game - so, holy shit, which should I chose??? what's the right decision to make??? what ticks the most boxes???' I never consciously thought of myself in the third person, but after much introspection I realised that that's ultimately the attitude I went into everything with: every decision had to be weighed up against all factors of varying importance, and every time something didn't turn out perfectly I'd be left with this itching sense of disappointment that could follow me for days, months or even years.

Symbolic state: provides the sense of external judgement; my spiritual beliefs planted in me an idea that I could treat life like a perpetual classroom, and I could use external stimuli as 'proof' I was doing life correctly. This provides the underlying mechanism in which I lose the wisdom of understanding that I exist and make choices for me. There's a simplicity to it - I don't have to worry about anything as measly and pathetic as my feelings, and instead I make my decisions based on a set of moral and logical rules that, if for some reason it could ever happen, I could defend fully in court. And in turn, instead of feeling any real sense of satisfaction, achievement, and self-love, I could instead turn life into a collection of stimuli that gave me a euphoric buzz. Symbolic states became the mechanism by which I lost myself and also the mechanism by which I could cope with losing myself.

Depression: I now understand that I first developed depression when I believed that leaving school and starting university would magically change my whole life and make me feel entirely different in some nebulous way. Ironically, that actually did happen, but clearly not to the extent that I ever wanted to admit to myself - it's embarrassing to admit to myself that I wanted something impossible, so instead of ever accepting that fact about me, I suppressed it, and thus began the obsessive process of constantly re-evaluating everything that happens to me so I decide if I'm 'allowed' to feel negative about it or not.

PDA: The seeds of PDA were planted as a teenager but the feeling of unease truly started to grow from when my depression started and reached its height about 6-ish years ago. I started off with a very specific life goal, but hindsight is 20-20 and I had no idea at the time how much I was internalising this idea that everything I do is up for scrutiny, that I'm not allowed to be a flawed human being with weird opinions and habits. Everything I did had to be quirky, had to be aesthetic (feeding into, and fed by, the symbolic states), had to be meaningful by some exterior metric. By the time I was in my early 20s I had noticed that everything I did was highly calculated and had multiple reasons behind it. I remember thinking at the time it was an interesting observation about myself, but several years later I was screaming and crying about how I feel uncomfortable literally all of the time and how everything I do, I want to do something else. I was in low-level hell, always feeling obligated to do something and feeling a deep, gnawing sense of disappointment when things went 'wrong'. Now I understand that when I succumb to obligation, I feel a sense of internal betrayal and a creeping feeling of depression. If I have a depressive crash, it's entirely related to me blocking out some emotion and/or feeling as if I 'should' do a certain obligation. The more I accept myself, and the more I choose, the further I stray from showing the typical depression symptoms.

If any of this seems relatable to you, then I implore that you learn to listen to yourself, to accept things inside yourself which feel embarrassing to admit, to say 'fuck you, I am allowed to feel sad about x thing in my past - or, rather, no one is disallowing me to feel that way', to reframe things in your life from an external obligation to something you want to do because it benefits you. I don't have a clinical background and therefore cannot say that depression only comes from this sort of origin, but I have a stong inkling from not just witnessing it in myself but in others - denial of yourself absolutely destroys you from within, and necessarily so when you think about, for the medium is the message: everytime I succumbed to obligation, I told myself that what I want is not enough, that I am always beholden to forces bigger than me. One of the main things I have learned from this journey is that your mind is always listening in to everything you do and say about yourself, and that ultimately, you cannot hide from yourself. Learning to be honest with yourself and face embarrassment of your mundane life head-on are paramount steps in giving yourself a foundation of self-love that, in my case at least, allowed to me to not be Depressed(TM) anymore.

[spaceorphan18]

Not the OP but I imagine that last ask was re the fact they talked about The Box Scene in today's podcast episode and said they can understand why it was cut because it was 'lackluster'. 🙄

Nonny #2 - Sorry second nonny, I didn't realize I copied and pasted wrong, and deleted your message before adding it correctly. <3

@wowbright says : In case you didn't have this context, and the latest episode apparently they said that the box scene was probably cut because it was "lackluster" and "not very good." That has set people off. (And personally I think it's a weird opinion. Like, it was probably cut for time because of less relevance to the rest of the episode?)

I'm going to kind of hit all of this at once. Because I have some thoughts.

First of all, about the actual scene, while I understand why it was cut - in that there were time constraints and, no, it isn't pushing the story forward, it is a cute little scene that reestablishes where their relationship is in the grand scheme of things. And you know what? They made it canon at the end, so there's that.

It's not a bad scene, nor is it lackluster. It's of equal value, honestly, as the Santa Baby scene.

Secondly, that's a shame they downplayed what it did for charity. That's a huge deal, it's a shame they can't recognize the significance of a fandom movement -- especially as they raise money for things like Snixxmas and Alexandria House.

My third point is of two parts….

A) Kevin and Jenna do not know (or care) how to be objective. They just don't. They've proven time after time that they're watching things they like and do not care about the rest of it. It doesn't make me want to listen to it, and it's a shame they can't muster enough professionalism to try, but it's their podcast, and at the end of the day I can't change that.

B) You guys keep acting as if there's some big conspiracy theory as to their reasonings and at the end of the day -- more so going back to my original Nonny from earlier today -- they just do not care about Klaine. They think about Klaine in the way that I think about Jarley. They're there -- they take up screen time that I wish was given to other things -- and it's not something I particularly enjoy sitting through.

[But as an aside - I like to think I can be objective enough to admit when something is written or done well. And going back to point A, Kevin and Jenna don't know how or don't care to even put the work in on that.]

It is not about Chris. It is not about Darren. (And the speculation is a little odd there -- but we don't know them, maybe they do hate Darren (doubtful guys) but either way, I really, really do not think it has to do with this.)

And interestingly, I don't necessarily think it's solely a dislike of Blaine either. I know they praise Chris a lot, but they really skip over some great Kurt things, too, that aren't related to Klaine.

And yes, it really is about Naya and Cory and themselves. They are more personally invested in those stories and those people and that is going to color how they see the show. It just is. It's how people work.

Going back to point B - the reason it hits hard for us is that for them (like how I feel about Jarley) it's not personal and it doesn't mean much. It's just kind of there. But for us, it is personal. We do see all the good things (along with the bad) and it has meant a lot -- it's been a personal love -- it has meant very deep things to people.

And what may hit hard for people -- and what Kevin and Jenna are completely missing because they're really not good at the objectivity or the looking at the big picture -- is the fact that when you disregard the thing, it feels like a personal judgment on /you/.

And guys - it's not. They just happen to dislike/not be invested in a thing we really love, and that's kind of it. I find it unfortunate. I am kind of disappointed in their lack of understanding I really have stopped listening to the show other than interviews I want to listen to. I wish there was a way that I could explain that to them - but I don't really know how.

I don't really have any answers other than that guys. :/

It'll be interesting to see how they handle Seasons 4-6, where Artie is almost a prop, Tina goes crazy, and there is a fuckton of Blaine, Kurt, and Klaine.

Or maybe they'll end it at Season 3. Who knows. shrugs

[astarab1aze]

rping/rpc petpeeves for munday? 💀

i can think of a couple.

anon hate, as if we're not all adults here, to name one. the complete and utter lack of respect some people show toward other writers is just ??? it's nuts. another thing is activism within the rpc and the advent of twitter-esque dog-piling when someone doesn't get their way - most i've found either have good intentions and just get it wrong (sokay, we all learn) or are sort of using x cause as an excuse to bully and isolate people as if that's ever been okay or appropriate (bad faith; the 'cause' is a smokescreen that makes the person getting harassed look bad for defending themselves, which i don't and never have vibed with; i spent a lot of time in discourse circles and people who do this don't actually have any convictions, they're just being dicks because they know they can be and get asspats after). people who take things too personally too, because at the end of the day, this is a hobby and we're all human. we can't all talk to each other all day every day, it's just not feasible, and if it takes a week or more for someone to get back to you, it's most likely the exact opposite of intentional. i forget everything all the time, my notifications don't always work on tumblr or discord, there isn't enough time in the day in the first place, and like some i have children and am married, i'm severely time blind (i thought it was still februrary until last week) or otherwise have 800 different things to do at any given time. a lack of communication, at least from me, isn't ever personal, and i'd wager it's about the same for other folks too. sometimes i need to be reminded or nudged and i don't mind that as long as its respectful. yaddayadda.

also it's weird to me that just a couple of days or a couple of weeks of not talking or writing is enough for some people to unfollow, break off/drop roleplays, or whathaveyou. it's just...weird, to me. it shows an unwillingness to understand that someone else's life doesn't revolve around roleplay, and also impatience. i would understand maybe a month or so, but not anything before. my rp besties and i regularly take a few days, sometimes a few weeks to respond to each other's messages and there's no bad blood there. on this front, this is exactly why i'm as laid back as i am - take as long as you need to, i'm not going anywhere.

i have some probably unpopular opinions too, not just pet peeves, but i'll save those for another day. like if someone writes, idk, noncon, i'm probably not going to jump down their throat because a) i don't know them, b) i don't know why they're writing it, c) i probably never will, and d) i'm probably not seeing it on dash anyway since i block and filter tags. when i said this is a judgment free zone, i really meant it. it's not my place and i don't care anyway. write whatever you want? be it to cope or explore something difficult so you can understand it or something else so you can have fun. because i will, even if that's really just complicated romance with a fantasy backdrop. write whatever wish fulfillment and escapist nonsense you wanna write too, while we're here, because genuinely i'm tired of that being seen as a bad thing also. we've all written something someone hates for one reason or another, whether it be unrealistic or 'disgusting', so really all you can do is keep truckin' cos you can't please everyone and it's pointless to even try.

[cannoli-reader]

The Importance of the Two Rivers’ Sexual Mores

OThis was a point I touched on in a much larger, to the tune of TL;DR, post concerning adaptational changes from books to show, and I wanted to go into it as a standalone thing, because I really believe it needs to be said.  Under a cut, because I’m probably going to go all Cannoli on this, length-wise..

A lot of people have Opinions on the No Sex Until Married rule that is the de jure standard in the Two Rivers, which (some of) the Emond’s Field kids take with them, to varying degrees, when they go into the world  It should be noted that this is not some hard and fast puritanical standard.  People seem to get married fairly early, if they do, since they are picking from a relatively limited pool of prospects, and the powers that be seem to be fairly understanding about hooking up as long as it is done with respect for the rules.  Furthermore, the only ones who really seem affected by that rule are Rand, and on one occasion each, Nynaeve and Egwene, and in their cases, just to pass judgment on someone else. Perrin gets married fairly quickly and Mat DGAF. And Rand’s citation of the Rules, could just as easily be a rationalization of negative feelings resulting from his own internalized belief that he does not get to be happy.  So I think when a lot of people start complaining about the Two Rivers sexuality, they are projecting their own feelings or experiences with real world institutions with such rules, and especially, the prospect of sexy fun times being curtailed.  

Which is not the most obvious reaction from fans of a series in which Mat, Lan, Morgase and Berelain are subjected to various degrees of sexual abuse and exploitation, and Perrin has more than a few problems for which he bears no blame, through failure of Berelain to understand and respect his sexual boundaries, precisely because she comes from a less restrictive culture (along with the possibility that her  own sexual exploitation was a result of Mayene’s looser rules).  

I have seen readers who explicitly recognize and denounce what happens to Mat & Lan, nonetheless applaud or approve of the customs of “pretties” in Ebou Dar and the carneira in Malkier, again, projecting real world attitudes onto a practice that only superficially resembles the theoretical ideal in the real world, in this case, the idea of young people receiving practical sexual education, to constructively channel their hormonal urges, to guide them to a healthy embrace of their sexuality, and avoid traumatic experiences or harmful behavior caused by a combination of uncontrollable urges and a lack of knowledge.  When they are not outright admitting to pervy pedo fantasies or adolescent wish fulfilment, these concepts are almost always presented accompanied by a denunciation of puritanical, repressive and obsolete restrictions. And it is really weird for people to apply that theory to what we see in WoT of pretties and carneira, since the only on-page examples of both those customs features the older and more experienced party grossly abusing the spirit and even the letter of the law of the customs for their own agenda or gratification, and still getting away with it, even when their abuse is recognized as such.  But Edeyn Arrell’s treatment of Lan and Tylin’s treatment of Mat are acknowledged by characters in the story to be violations, who do absolutely nothing about it, except for not actively hindering the victim’s attempts to extricate himself from the abusive situation!  

Basically, while the idea of looking up from a coital entanglement with your future spouse, to see Nynaeve glaring at you, with the promise of an uncomfortable encounter with the Women’s Circle in her eyes, seems a lot less appealing than a graduate level course in Sex Ed at the hands of a smoking hot cougar in a palace bedchamber, one of those practices does not lead to, or promote, sexual abuse and one is shown to multiple times.  The Two Rivers way is not as bad as some people make it out to be, is what I am saying.

 But more important than whether or not the Two Rivers thing is good or bad for the characters, is the role it plays in the story itself.  As I noted, it is not a big thing that really has an impact all that much. Perrin or Mat are never shown to be guided or inhibited by the rules.  Egwene has an incongruous and largely subconscious disapproval of Elayne’s incompatible, to her eyes, reproductive situation and marital status, which she does not act on, and Nynaeve’s stream of consciousness phrasing of her observation of the interactions between bonded Aes Sedai and Asha’man includes her suspicion that they are “sharing a bed outside wedlock.”  But here’s the thing.  Nynaeve tends toward hyperbolic expressions that she does not act upon, and she has a more intuitive than analytical way of looking at things, processing observations through an emotional rather than logical framework.  What she is really fuming about is the inexplicably amicable relationships between Asha’man and Aes Sedai.  Nynaeve knows there is something going on beneath the surface there (and the readers already know that the Aes Sedai are making a premeditated effort to ingratiate themselves with their bondholders, while in general thinking with the common stereotype that men are easily controlled, or rendered amenable, by a sexual partner, so she’s not wrong), she doesn’t have enough to know what, and it bothers her, so she expresses her discontent with the situation by focusing on the familiar, namely her reaction for her customary position as the Wisdom in charge of upholding propriety for the Emond’s Field community.  Notice that what we never see her do is denounce, interfere with, or even express an opinion on Rand and Min openly cohabitating in the weeks they have been traveling with her since leaving Caemlyn, just as Egwene does or says nothing about Elayne’s pregnancy. 

And whatever he might think or say, Rand really doesn’t let those Two Rivers inhibitions hold him back.  When Berelain comes on to him, he cites a non-existent commitment to Egwene, which is hardly a value unique to the Two Rivers, whatever Berelain says, while thinking that he does not want a casual encounter with someone who is only interested in him as an object or status symbol instead of as a person. And his repressive Two Rivers upbringing has not remotely impeded his ability to recognize this motivation in a sexual encounter, nor left him vulnerable to exploitation through his lack of hands-on experience.   He brings up the necessity for marrying to rectify the situation after he sleeps with Aviendha, but there are other factors at play there, too. First of all, while he cites the rules, that is not his motivation in his stream of consciousness.

“’... I want to.' He was not sure of that at all, really... But for once he could do what was right because it was right.”

Rand’s impulse behind his proposal is driven by his ongoing need to keep breaking rules and violating his standards, in response to political realities.  He has to execute law breakers, he has to send men into danger or death, he has to overlook wrongdoing because he lacks the capacity to put a stop to it, or because he must prioritize greater evils (Morgase and Rahvin, for example) and he does not excuse his fault in these things because they are necessary.  But at every turn, he sees himself slipping, he sees himself losing a part of who and what he thought he was, or what he thinks he wants to be.  The rules and standards for being a decent person were things he absorbed as he was growing up, and are all the harder to overcome or set aside because of that.  They have very little to do with where and when he uses his genitalia, but about treating people in the right way and upholding your responsibilities. And unlike Elayne, for example, he was never taught that there are times when he might have to do the kinds of moral triage he is forced to all the time now.  It all ties in to his ongoing struggle with the loss of his identity and self-conception, and while he accepts that he has to let some parts of his old self go, it’s not easy, and something inside him rebels against it.  And rightfully so, because that fundamental decency is far more important to defeating the Dark One than any ability to make ruthlessly practical decisions to achieve a theoretical great good based on numbers or power calculations.  So when he comes across a situation where he does not have to act as the Dragon Reborn, and ignore the right thing to do, he is going to push to do that right thing.  That he believes he is doing right by a woman he loves only adds to that impetus.  And that he does not understand the woman he loves enough to recognize what she might actually want or see as important is pure Rand al’Thor.  

It’s the same thing with Min when he says that the Women’s Circle would not be amused by her rationalization of their spontaneous sexual encounter.  It’s not that he actually fears their judgment or even really thinks they are right, it’s just a handy reference point he can latch on to when arguing for his own condemnation.  Because of the trauma and self-recriminations he has undergone since his last sexual encounter (not helped by his own ignorance of what underlay Aviendha’s apparent rejection of him - in that case, the Aiel rules, for all their greater degree of sexual freedom & agency, do a lot more harm to their relationship or coming to a mutual understanding, than Two Rivers repression), he refuses to believe that Min wants to be intimate in any way, emotionally or sexually, with him, because he sees himself as toxic and harmful to others. He thinks the best thing for Min is to have as little as possible to do with him, and so he frames his actions toward her in the worst possible light, and cites the Women’s Circle as an authority who would agree with him.  It’s not the Women’s Circle he cites when Min propositions him later that day, despite her using the same term he says would have them “lining up to peel our hides”, it’s the practical priority of getting the most use out of his ta’veren nature while it is running strong.  Because “me time” is another thing Rand does not believe he deserves.  In subsequent books, his idea of what is good for his partners is the only thing that seems to hold him back at all, certainly never the morals of Emond’s Field or the wrath of the Wisdom. He never once notes any issues about sharing a bedroom with Min while in Nynaeve’s company in Far Madding and Tear. 

And yes, there are people who deride or mock or joke about Rand’s early awkwardness with regard to sex, and attribute it to his virginity and repression and if he and Egwene had just been having a fun old time when they were back in Emond’s Field, he’d have been so much more mature and able to cope with this situations better.  Maybe, but I suspect what is really going on there is vicarious identification with Rand, and a reluctance to see him come off less than spectacularly which I also suspect is at the root of a lot of criticism of Cadsuane’s treatment of him, and mischaracterizing her behavior, because of how it makes Rand feel or look.  They don’t like our boy being embarrassed, even if he deserves it, or it humanizes him. 

But those moments of awkwardness around the opposite sex serve a narrative purpose.  You see, Rand largely does move away from the Two Rivers shepherd we meet in the opening chapter, while remaining the same person.  It’s tricky to see how he has changed when we are in his head (part of the reason, I believe, why he has so little PoV material in The Dragon Reborn, to create a continuity break for the readers in his growth, so when we are presented with him anew in The Shadow Rising, we are no longer seeing the in-over-his-head shepherd who thinks he is only faking being a leader in tGH, but taking him in as a new iteration of the character), and it is important to the story’s purpose to remind us that under all the changes he is still the same Rand.  

That is the reason for the sexual awkwardness. In each case, it comes to undercut a moment of power or apparent change for Rand.  First, we see his reaction to Else Grinwell’s undisguised interest in him.  He and Mat have just stumbled onto a method of facilitating their journey and gaining resources, but his inability to deal with Else’s possible advances, and the danger he might face from being perceived as the one at fault serve reinforce that even with the  financial possibilities of the Emond Field Boy Band, they are still vulnerable in many ways and the ability to acquire food & lodgings they could not afford before this does not alleviate those dangers.

Next, he finds himself in the Royal Palace in Caemlyn, where it is discovered that he carries the weapon of a blademaster, and the most respected military mind in the room believes and argues that it is legitimately his sword.  He responds to the implicit threat of the attention of a Red Ajah Aes Sedai by standing up for himself, by arguing back against her speculations and even denying her knowledge of his housing situation.  This is kind of a high point for Rand at this place in the books, even in spite of the face-palming nature of his current predicament.  And the Queen believes him, rather than suspecting him or refusing to do anything for him, and gives him justice!  Awesome!  Rand is doing good.  So he gets cocky and tries to snark with Elayne, who, after all, was the one most to blame for the peril her mother has just lifted, but he is just not qualified to challenge someone trained to dominate social situations, since she learned to talk, and Elayne yanks the rug back out from under him with a comment that is both flirtatious and pointing out how she could have made it even worse.

Next we get it in Cairhien, where, between Lan’s lessons, Moiraine’s wardrobe upgrade, Ingtar’s notice of his promotion to second in command and Hurin needing him to take command, Rand is starting to do a pretty good job at acting like the man in charge and like someone who knows what he is doing.  He is asserting himself to a solider-lord and an Aes Sedai, and even his friends are starting to recognize he is becoming something more than a shepherd tourist.  Reunited with Verin & Ingtar, both of them validate his performance while alone and nominally in command.  And then he goes to Barthanes’ party, and manages to look like he belongs, or at least no one is kicking him out, and all the stuff he’s been told all book long that he can be a big shot seems like it just might be working.  So of course RJ has an assortment of Cairhienin ladies approach and proposition him in an extremely unsubtle fashion, until he flees to hide behind Thom, until Mat arrives to present the much less daunting prospect of confronting whatever Darkfriends might be on the trail he has just picked up. 

It’s something similar with Berelain sneaking into his bedroom - he made it to Tear in spite of a wide array of threats, he’s killed Forsaken, the High Lords, whose attitudes we got a sample of in Mat’s ill-fated card game, feel compelled to give him the best rooms, and he can create a lightsaber out of thin air, but he has no idea what to do about the sexy chick whose clothes are vanishing as they speak, beyond keeping her away with a force field, and even that doesn’t seem to be working.  As I mentioned above, the Rand to whom we are reintroduced in tSR has grown into his power and the leadership role he had extreme doubts about two books ago.  He even comes across as more physically powerful, with Berelain referencing his appearance in his first PoV chapter and Egwene and Elayne both taking note of his stature and physical presence, before his second. For myself, when I first read tSR, the mental image in my head was of a bigger individual, with a more imposing presence, like seeing Clark Kent in Book 1 & 2 and Superman in Book 4, or from Thomas Anderson in cubical-wear in EotW to Neo in a trench coat in tSR.  But RJ does not let us forget that he is still the same guy who was excited to meet the new visitors to the village on Winternight, by having him flail around helplessly or blushing or avoiding eye contact when Berelain or Elayne is in his bedroom. 

This is also why, from a Doylist perspective, Egwene has the stray thought changing her clothes to Two Rivers garb in bemusement at Elayne’s pregnancy or Nynaeve huffing about unmarried people sleeping together.  It’s just a reminder that the woman about to brief Aviendha on Aes Sedai issues and potential security concerns and the avatar of awesome who is about epically win the saga of Malkier, are still the two people who turned up huffing in disapproval at Mat’s antics, back when that seemed like a significant conflict.  

In short, the sexually conservative ways of the Two Rivers are one of the most effective and efficient ways in which Robert Jordan maintains continuity between the origins of the main characters, and the people they grow into, and serves better than anything to remind us that under all the powers, skills, experiences and burdens, they have not forgotten where they came from. 

[mchiti]

Hiii. Your gifset of Hakim is so cute. I watched video from which the first gif is and it made me feel for him when he said that he can't speak the language. I only speak one language and I don't come from an immigrant family but here where I am I've always seen Moroccans speaking the language of their parents. I've always wondered why Hakim does not speak arabic at all. Not that it matters much, but it makes me curious a lot (I hope this is not offensive)

Hi anon! I'm sorry I'm replying this one day late but I've been so busy the past two days!! I wasn't trying to ignore.

I don't think it's offensive. I don't like when people question it in a judgmental way, but other than that I don't take any offence (personally). But I hope you also don't take any offence if I tell you that perhaps you just lack a bit of perspective? I can tell you reality is super different. I know people who don't speak their parents' language, and I know people who do but only to a certain extent, but if you don't speak that language you're not able to understand what that extent even is, no?

But if that can help you to get a better perspective: first, many moroccans are born into families that speak tamazight, and here we're talking about a group of sister languages that do have linguistic variation within. If your parents have to live abroad and don't speak darija primarily to you, it's kind of automatic that you're not going to speak that. Hakim comes from an amazigh family.

Secondly, take into consideration that bilingualism is also heavily influenced by external factors and no, they are not secondary. I'm in no place to speak for a person I don't know personally, that's for sure. But perhaps him being the last of 9 siblings plays a role in it - and I do find it interesting that his oldest brother for instance can speak darija. Losing a parent very soon in your life, or having to struggle in needs that sometimes don't leave much space for much else...again, I don't think we are in the place to discuss about it, but many things can play into it, you know?

Languages are a beautiful thing. In the sense that if you start to NOT look at them exclusively on a pure verbally point of view, you can speak a language in many ways you know? their heritage transcend phonetics - you speak with your hands, your mannerisms, your eyes even. I know it sounds weird but there are actual studies that focus on how diaspora kids, when they are not able to verbally express themselves in the language of their parents, they take from them a lot of body mannerisms - even small movement of the eyes. And I love to look at languages in that way. He speaks the language very much, if you look at it that way. I can promise that.

[mythvoiced]

-. the evil-ification of my good-est (nicest? morally most upstanding?) characters (pt.1 ig idk)

zhìjiàn subconsciously thinks he's morally superior to most people he meets

miyoung is nice and polite and even very forthcoming but that can change real quick, real fast, with no ounce of guilt, she's nice because why not, not because she inherently thinks being nice to others is 'the right way to be'

seok-ju does not believe in redemption arcs, he'll enable them because it's the better option, but they will not be surprised if you commit whatever you need redemption for again, and they'll turn on you fast

domenico will only aid people in need if he's received the go-ahead from figures of authority first, he lacks initiative in most contexts and his constant fear of 'doing the wrong thing' or even being judged will get people killed

yoshino is very judgmental, very selective, very black-and-white, very incapable of understanding nuance

wenzhe is a MASSIVE hypocrite, this sometimes shows itself in harmless ways where he simply doesn't follow his own advice of 'take care', but it can also come up in the worst moments

raiden is perfect. full stop. leave him alone.

ambrosius is watch the movie~ like... deadass, i'm not trying to gate-keep, it's just-- his entire arc in the movie---

liz is, for the most part, unreliable, and violently emotionally unavailable

patrick makes it onto this list because he makes a continuous effort of being particularly kind to the underdog or people who 'deserve it', but thinking himself capable of discerning who 'deserves' being treated well (even if his choice is usually everybody who's not a hateful dickhead, even if he were correct) is a faux-pas attitude to have, ALSO??? look at an OUNCE of the baggage he comes with, he's--

ajay is submissive, not nice, and he's submission is a weird consequence of his perception of himself as someone who should not get to live in peace after all the pain he's caused, it's not natural to his character, it's subconsciously self-imposed. he would actually be nice if he got some healing.

samuel is very judgmental and really does not know how to not involve the entire rest of the world into his business

sabriel IS NOT NICE. sabriel is cheerful and excitable and loves learning but they are NOT nice. no sense of nuance. very dangerous.

thanh is great, leave them aloNE.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Title: Dhalgren

Author: Walter Tevis

Rating: 2/5 stars

I picked this up expecting to like it, even expecting to like it a lot, because a friend has praised it highly and I trust his judgment.

Yet after finishing it -- and the reader is urged to complete it at its own pace -- I found it not exactly terrible, but not at all compelling, either. I had a good time with it, and I liked the first half even if the second half soured me on it. But the experience wasn't at all similar to my friend's. I guess we're both in the habit of liking books because our friends love them -- or because we like our friends -- which is a tendency I suspect may not always be a good idea.

This book is a slow, sprawling, rambling meditation on the theme of an alien civilization in which everybody has undergone some horrible experience or injury, with the result that they've become weird, twisted-brained people -- perhaps as a result of trauma, or genetic defects, or both -- who never recover their faculties of speech or cognition, and seem to have lost all their memories except for fragments from their childhood.

Each character, in a way, has to struggle against this. As a result of these things, they may have no memory of their home or family, or of the people who once were their friends. For them, the world of daily life and ordinary conversation is a terrifying, inchoate nightmare, and when they find it they may be terrified to begin with. They may even be unable to take any care of themselves -- like, say, cleaning their own apartment -- because their lives may have become so chaotic that they can't understand how to go through them with anything resembling coherence.

The language in this book, and the ideas it presents, are very different from what I usually like in fiction. This book isn't especially plot-driven (although there are plenty of moments that would work fine as such, just without a clear sense of a unified plot). The characters never really interact in a way that looks like "character-driven" -- although, because of the way the book's perspective is limited to the eyes of one character, it's hard not to feel like one is being given an inside view of a strange world, especially for the first part. Even at the end -- when everything has become very clear and the narration focuses on the main character's thoughts and memories -- one still has this impression.

What you have here is more an alien view of the human world -- as an outsider would be able to take in our world with only minimal distortion -- than an account of human life, which is what fiction usually is about. Like most of Tevis's other fiction, which includes his earlier, better-known novel (The Man In the High Castle), it seems to have more of an appeal as a work of science fiction than as a mainstream fiction story. Tevis has a talent for evoking strangeness -- not just the literal strangeness of Sputnik-like technology -- but of the sort of strangeness that can arise from some fundamental, metaphysical break, from a gap between what "we" can grasp and comprehend in our mundane, human way and the ultimate strangeness that exists, like another dimension, outside our ordinary experience.

It's not an alien world that I found unengaging (I liked it a lot) but rather a human world that just isn't really very engaging. The strange characters, the fractured-perspective alien view, and the lack of plot are not at all what a lot of writers these days are doing, and that's what makes this novel a bit of an anachronism. So I found myself in the odd position of wanting to enjoy a book despite its being very different from the kinds of things I normally read, because at least it was different in some interesting ways. But it wasn't something I'd want to read just for its novelty value -- except in the same way that a lot of modern art is about its novelty value, or that people talk about classic novels being about "social criticism," i.e. about what they can teach us about the human condition. (Tevis has written some other books, I guess, in which he has tried to give us these kinds of lessons -- about the pain and loneliness of growing older in contemporary America, for instance -- but there's something really wrong with doing it in this particular novel.)

[tinycatslay]

#1 My twenties (unromanticised)

In your early twenties, you read "Everything I Know about Love" by Dolly Alderton - actually, you are still reading it - and, after a much-needed dose of overly sweet caffeine that gives you jitters so bad you don't need to move your hand that much when chopping up garlic for dinner, you decided that everything seems actually okay (in perspective).

This is how things are supposed to go I guess. I guess but I never really know if people are not just lying for the sake of shutting me up - a possible consequence of being perceived as "too young" to understand that there will eventually come bigger problems that will make this moment seem insignificant.

Torn friendships, plans for the future, lack of plans, graduating from having university breaks to just having an adult life. Small hauntings on my planners and calendars. Desperate for a job and to live a life I am unsure I want. Because I know the worth of having fun and exciting memories that one day I will remember on a hospital bed, telling my granddaughter that she should go out and enjoy her time - these fun and exciting memories that I do not have.

I am really not sure if I have them or not. I think it would be nice to try and write down some of them because in the future they could seem big, nice, or relevant.

Comparison is my biggest struggle. Nothing about myself is enough compared to the amazing, incredible, worth-telling-stories-about people I come across in my life. When I am alone I think I am okay but when I step out of my room I throw all of my accomplishments in the nearest bin along with a tissue where I dabbed out most of the blush I applied that morning because I don't want people to think I am trying too hard. There's always so much going on and actually nothing at the same time - does everyone feel this way or am I the 3% of people that gets the depressive side effects that are listed on the side of my medication's box?

Maybe this is all just a big venting session because my cousin didn't reply to my messages earlier, or maybe this will amount to some interesting thoughts (and even stories) I will, hopefully fondly, look back on.

If anyone ever reads this: keep it to yourself; don't mention it to me (if you know me personally) unless we're dying of old age and we're actually still friends; and for the love of god (or any other entities really) do not drink an oat vanilla iced latte on an empty stomach - unless you are looking to start spilling what goes in your head online for a lack of a better judgment while crashing on the sofa waiting for your boyfriend to finish showering.

Brainstorming entries to come:

The incredible boobs that surround me

The drafts I swore to never look at again, let alone publish

Older sister: sagas of generational trauma

Passing bi: weird dreams and shower monologues

Friendly reminders about my findings on friendship

Everything I wasn't told about sex

Scripting my future crazy nights out

Unethical therapists and friends

Boys I've clearly traumatised: recounting the good, the bad, and the worse in my previous relationships

Doing pres with chronic pain and making it out alive

Adulting and adultery (yes, I love alliteration)

The cool girl monologue from Gone Girl effect

[unnecessarycraziness]

[TL;DR: at least in American public schools the special ed system can reinforce othering and exclusion of disabled students and we should think about ways to reform it]

I’m not sure if this has already been talked about but I think the special education system in American public schools is severely flawed and needs to change if we want to better integrate disabled people into the rest of society and allow for fuller acceptance.

To elaborate: special ed students are kept quietly tucked away in their own little classrooms, usually with only a small pool of people to interact with. Those people are usually fellow special ed kids (full-time and part-time) and teachers/aides. This has the following results:

-This segregation of sorts furthers stigma against disabled people. The “normal” (read: abled) students get very few opportunities to interact with special ed students, particularly in middle school and high school, creating a disconnect between the two groups and making acceptance and understanding much more difficult. The abled kids view their disabled counterparts as the “other” and their preconceptions about disabled people are further reinforced; after all, surely they must be kept shuttered away for a reason, right? The special ed kids are seen as weird and different, and because of the limited interaction between the two groups there’s little opportunity to challenge those ideals. Furthermore, abled students spend their whole school careers seeing adults - many of whom they trust and look up to, consciously or not - keep the disabled kids tucked away from everyone else, and this can subconsciously teach the abled kids that it’s okay to exclude them.

-On the flip side, the special ed kids also see trusted adults reinforcing this separation, except that they’re on the receiving end of it. They’re told, directly or otherwise, that they don’t belong, that they need to be kept away from the other kids because something’s wrong with them. It hurts, hearing that throughout your childhood, especially when you’re too young to cope properly or understand why you’re different, why the other kids look at you funny and call you names and refuse to let you play with them. All you know is that something is wrong with either you or them, and because they’re the majority you must be the problem. Special ed kids aren’t stupid. They understand when people talk about them as if they’re lesser beings, and they understand that the other kids don’t like them and that the adults are fine with this. This is just as true for part-time special ed students as it is for full-time ones: I for one remember the feeling of my classmates’ eyes on me as I left the room at the beginning of each math lesson in elementary school all too well, and god, how othering it was.

-Abled people put disabled kids into these tiny social circles wherein they are unable to get the same degree of social practice as everyone else. The disabled kids are then judged for not having the same interpersonal skills as their abled peers (do note that some of the aforementioned lack of social skills may also be inherent: lots of kids end up in special ed wholly or partially because they’re unable to communicate in ways abled/neurotypical people understand. They face even more judgment from abled people for this and often don’t receive appropriate accomodations to facilitate communication. This is an issue in and of itself and warrants a separate discussion).

To clarify, I’m absolutely in favor of proper accomodations for disabled students. Special ed kids are in special ed for a reason (even if that reason is simply communication differences which could be resolved in other ways such as text-to-speech programs or sign language); I, for instance, would have probably been held back quite a bit had I not gotten the slower, more personal math lessons in special ed, and many other disabled kids have similar needs and/or no other accomodations available in schools so special ed is their best bet. Hell, I definitely preferred having those accomodations rather than none at all as was the case with the private school I went to before that!

Also, I have to stress that there is nothing wrong with being disabled and needing accomodations, and I appreciate that schools at least try to do something for their disabled students. However, the system as it is currently is severely flawed and, in many ways, actively detrimental to the very people it aims to help; I for one am reminded of the practice of locking disabled, mentally ill, or just “difficult” people away in asylums to rot for the crime of not fitting in with abled society, and I think that in and of itself is reason enough to consider reforming our special education system to make it a more helpful and compassionate one.

[mbti-notes]

hi i’m an istj. i fear the problem im going to describe is resolved by being more Te proactive and taking on more leader responsibilities and failing. just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable. anyway i get involved with groups that align with my values to get things done but it always feels like i somehow join things that aren’t as efficient as i’d want them to be or stagnate. at the same time that i have strong opinions about what to do i resent having to take on more responsibility to enact it. i want to be part of an established, moral, process/group but it seems like everything is in flux all the time. just making sure: is this Te-Ne dysfunction ?

Your question is about type development. An important aspect of type development is understanding the weaknesses and flaws of your type, in terms of the ways that your type tends to misuse functions. You seem to believe that your problem boils down to a simple lack of desire to lead in group situations (weak Te?), but it probably goes far deeper than that.

Si-Ne problems often manifest as a general aversion to change, specifically, unwillingness to change how one looks at a situation, which would then significantly alter one's approach to it. Imbalance between Si and Ne becomes a very unhealthy stubbornness when one is also prone to Si-Fi loop that thinks in terms of pure absolutes. In essence, you believe what you believe and you want what you want, and nothing and nobody can break through that mental wall. Perhaps not even you.

Auxiliary development is meant to help with Si extremes and Si-Fi loop stubbornness by making you care more about empirical facts (Te) than your frustration (Fi). It isn't always easy to develop the auxiliary function when you come to believe that it interferes with what makes Si feel most comfortable (e.g. "just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable"). If using the auxiliary function feels so "tiring", it doesn't mean that you should avoid using it. Quite the contrary. It's an indication that you haven't yet learned to use it properly, which means further development is necessary.

Te wants efficiency, that much is true. However, what separates immature Te from mature Te is how exactly one conceptualizes "efficiency". When Te is immature, one has a very rudimentary understanding of how to be efficient. For example, one is likely to believe that efficiency is achieved through assertiveness or even brute force, i.e., "making" things happen despite all the obstacles in the way. Is it any wonder that using Te feels tiring, then? You're essentially forcing yourself to swim against the current. Si doms are painfully aware that their energy is finite, so they quickly run out of steam.

However, Te isn't really about mustering up energy. This is not what makes TJs smart, strong, and formidable. Mature Te conceptualizes efficiency as reducing the amount of energy required whenever possible, which is why they have a lot of energy to take on very heavy workloads - some people call it "working smart". This is done through facing the empirical facts of a situation head on and learning to work closely with them, which makes it far easier to make them work in your favor.

Your problem requires a two pronged attack:

Are you able to change how you look at situations in order to improve your approach (to address Si-Ne imbalance)?

Are you able to face the empirical facts of the situation and work with them rather than against them (to develop better use of Te)?

Wanting to be part of a process/group that aligns with your values in order to enact some good in the world is an admirable thing to strive for. Presumably, the other people involved in the group have the same sense of mission, otherwise, they wouldn't have joined. However, what you fail to take into account is that people aren't generally single-minded.

Human beings are complex because they are motivated by a multitude of factors, whether they realize it or not. They are full of psychological conflicts, contradictory desires, irrational impulses, old baggage, and unconscious bad habits. And when you bring people together, all that stuff comes out and creates complicated entanglements. A "group" only becomes a "team" when it is able to overcome those psychological obstacles together, and it can be a very long process of learning how to maximize strengths and mitigate weaknesses in every individual member. That's why a lot of groups simply fall apart. While your intention to join the group seems simple and straightforward (because Si-Te is admirable in its ability to keep things simple and straightforward), other people's intentions might not be so simple. If you fail to take into account the irrational aspects of human nature, you will cause yourself needless suffering.

Your frustration with people is likely a manifestation of your unrealistic expectations of them. Perhaps you aren't able to understand people who don't resemble you, let alone work with them. And you will certainly be doomed to fail if the only way Te knows to deal with individual differences is to force everyone to become more like you. That's an impossible task, not because it requires the energy of a thousand suns as you assume, but because you're choosing to fight against reality. Mature Te would advise that you should first face down the empirical facts of how people operate if you hope to discover the most effective way to influence them. Your repeated experience of feeling disenchanted with groups tells you that you're missing an important piece of knowledge about groups and how they operate.

I'll give you a very simple example from my own life. I used to gather with a group of 30-50 people once a week to conduct planned discussions. The discussions never really started on time despite everyone being in their seats because people weren't focused enough at the start of the session. There was often whispering and sidetalking and such that would go on for about half an hour before the room felt settled and focused.

One method of addressing the problem arose organically. Whoever was the main speaker simply started shushing people and it became a thing. Sometimes, it would even escalate to calling people out, like a teacher scolding a student in a classroom. This definitely made the social atmosphere less inviting and more tense. Sure, people would shut up after being called out, but they became less focused due to seething with resentment. Power struggles aren't great for group morale, especially if it's supposed to be a group of equals coming together for a common cause.

It all sounds quite childish, but these kinds of judgments are useless. You can call people childish, inefficient, incompetent, etc etc, but it doesn't solve the problem. And, worse, being judgmental blocks you from understanding people better and working with them. Perhaps an ISTJ would see this as a "mess", an "inefficiency" that wastes time, and evidence of bad character when people break the rules.

However, if you change the way you look at the situation, you might not be so quick to make such judgments. Actually, it's kind of weird for a bunch of people who know each other well to enter a room and immediately sit down quietly. Humans have a natural tendency to socialize as a way to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Isn't group cohesiveness a good thing, since it encourages better cooperation? If you are able to see the benefits of their chatty behavior and how it contributes to group cohesiveness, then instead of fighting against it, you would think of ways to harness it.

The real problem wasn't inefficiency; inefficiency was merely the symptom. The more primary problem was that a lot of people joined the group not just to "get things done", but also to make friends. The structure of the event denied them from fulfilling that important need and then they were more likely to act out. This problem was discovered when people had a chance to talk about what was frustrating them, which meant that the group had to make space to conduct some uncomfortable conversations.

To address the problem, the group eventually decided that the first 15 minutes would be devoted to socializing and allowing people to catch up, with the explicit promise to get down to business when the time was up. Some people brought drinks, others brought snacks. Some even showed up early to have more time to socialize. It enlivened people and enriched their relationships. Being "officially" allowed to get the chattiness out of their system, they were better able to sit down and focus on the planned agenda. The meeting felt like fun rather than a chore. And if you're interested in a cause, don't you want to recruit more people to support it? Making things more fun is one good way to attract support. You can look at it as wasting 15 minutes OR you can look at it as a 15 minute investment.

Solutions to human problems require:

cognitive empathy: figuring out what's really going on inside people's heads (in Te terms it means working only with the empirical facts of the situation, rather than indulging negative Fi judgments)

strategy: taking the time to work with people and figuring out the best way to help them get over obstacles (in Te terms it means investing energy early and wisely to maximize your returns later, rather than putting effort into the wrong places or only stepping in to tackle mere symptoms of the problem)

creativity: harnessing natural human tendencies to produce something useful or worthwhile (in Te terms in means taking what's already there and transforming it into a NET positive, rather than getting too fixated on every little negative detail and losing sight of the bigger picture)

Te can be a great function for dealing with human problems as long as you overcome the immature aspects of it, such as impatience, bluntness, or inflexibility. Every person is unique, so every group is different. Let go of the idea that there is only one way to approach a problem/conflict and you will start to be more creative in your approach. By accepting the fact that things are always in flux and using empirical evidence to understand and predict how change works, TJs become much more effective and efficient at everything they do. When it comes to people, meeting someone different from you is an opportunity to learn how to deal with that kind of person. The more knowledge you have of human psychology under your belt, the better you get at dealing with people's weird or negative tendencies. If a strategy works, use it again. If it doesn't work, adjust it to fit their psychology better.

In your situation, you see the problem as people being inefficient, so your inclination is to step forward and do something to "make" them more efficient. Humans aren't built with the prime directive to be efficient. They're not machines. Their psychology is messy, so trying to force them to behave like a machine is to force them to go against their psychology. In other words, you're choosing the least efficient approach. The more efficient approach, though it requires more intelligent thinking on your part (you want to become more intelligent, right?), is to properly understand the more primary problem of what's really causing them to be so inefficient in the first place. That is the way to discover the right strategy. If you are able to target those obstacles at the very root, efficiency improves more naturally.

Oftentimes, working smart doesn't require you to step up and be THE leader for everyone. As an introvert, it's probably more comfortable for you to work behind the scenes to talk to people, get a better idea of what they need and/or what problems they're experiencing, and incrementally remove the obstacles that are preventing them from focusing on what they should be focused on. You can't fix everything all at once, so just do what you can to fix what you are able to fix at any given point in time. It's a process and some progress is better than no progress.