#and the other girl went to a different school so ppl always made fun of me for talking about her

[my-castles-crumbling]

Dancer anon advice

Hi all! Someone wrote me about some advice, I'm just copy and pasting it here so I can add a 'read more' line and format it a bit differently than usual so I can keep my thoughts in order!

Italics is their writing

Bold is mine

i noticed ppl were using this blog to ask about stuff, so here goes ig?

(also im sorry this was going to be me asking about gender stuff but now its just kinda my life story 😭 if you dont want to answer this, you can just write a post saying like. dancer anon i dont feel comfortable answering this or whatever)

Ahhhh, you all need to stop apologizing! I never mind helping!

im afab, and i feel like i never really fit in with gender? like, i would always be so jealous of my feminine friends but i didnt feel good when dressing feminine myself

i also take dance classes (i started at around 6/7) and i felt like i had to wear all the skirts and shit because i wanted to be pretty like the other dancers, and i felt really terrible after a few years of that, because i hated how i looked in them and how i looked when i danced

(i also used to have a dance teacher whos hands were always cold and thats all i can remember about him but i really hated dancing with him and would get relieved when classes were over. ive hated dancing with boys/men ever since)

and it got like. really bad. i believe? (my memory is actually terrible. i cant remember anything for the life of me, so it could be my mind overexaggerating, but anyways.)

i would always ask for me and my teacher to just do stretching because i hated how i looked when i danced because i hated the skirts and everything because i hate my legs and how they look when bare. i hated attending dance classes because people would see me and see my legs and see how i looked and i felt terrible all the time (i think i was around 9 or 10 at this age?)

so one day i had a whole crying fit and my dance teacher told me that i dont have to wear skirts or whatever, i can wear pants and shit (i was so fucking relieved. istg. i now wear skirts to dance only like. couple times a year maybe)

and then soon enough covid happened! (also keep in mind that i grew up like. really sheltered. i did not know what gay people/transgender people were until i read fanfiction about warrior cats 😭)

and i was so delighted! because on distance learning, no one would see me and be able to judge me for how i dress or whatever

at around this time, my fear of everyone masculine really grew. its still there. im fucking terrified of all men. i cant help it. like every boy man masculine person. i get so scared. i hate it. i hate it so much

but then covid came to a halt, yk, school started again .-. i felt like shit, honestly. i didnt have ANY clothes i felt comfortable in. my hair felt too long and "feminine" and i wanted to cut it for the longest time. my clothes made me feel terrible. i hated how the leggings would wear on my legs and how my sweaters would show my body shape and how my butt looked (i still really hate how it looks. why is it big. i dont want it to be i hate it so much)

yeah so there i am, feeling dysphoric as shit (i did not know what that was, back then, by the way, but i believe thats what i was feeling)

didnt help that my only friend was a toxic, lying, manipulating bitch who led people on for fun and always expected everyone to worship at her feet

after a while, i discovered different labels! (bisexual was the first label i had for myself. i felt good with it, ig?)

and then i got to the gender situation. i used so many girl alligned terms because i was so scared of being percieved as the very thing i am terrified of (masculine ppl). i went through demigirl, girlflux, genderfae, genderfluid, i beleive, maybe somethign else too, because i wanted to stay connected to being a girl.

Okay so here, I want to ask, what's the reason to wanting to say connected with being a girl? Is it feeling like you are partially a girl? Not wanting to be connected to masculinity? Not wanting to let go of the 'girlhood' that you grew up with? None of these reasons are bad but I think thinking about this more might help you figure out your gender.

around this time i started doing leader steps for dance. the euphoria i felt. please.

ahhhhh wait! I do ballroom, too! I'm a follower, though. what's your favorite? I LOVE tango. Okay, sorry, I got distracted.

found out i was a lesbian, used nonbinary but with she/they pronouns and felt like shit whenever anyone called me she but didnt want to make a big deal about using they

ooo, okay here- asking for your correct pronouns isn't 'making a big deal.' it's asking for what you need and asking for respect.

found out i was aroace because "people actually find video game characters attractive?" 😭

thought i might feel better as a boy? cut my hair. i loved it so much (i still do) (that was may of last year) got baggy clothes. covered up my figure. did leader steps for dance.

over the summer i started using labels such as agender? which i feel like fits me?

anyway, thats the life story part, now for the part about what the fuck am i

i feel like shit whenever im called a girl or refered to with feminine terms. im not sure if it would classify as dysphoria or not, becuase i dont feel /that/ bad about it, but it still ruins my mood and kinda makes me want to cry.

okay so here's the thing. not 'feeling THAT bad' doesn't mean anything. Dysphoria is dysphoria. and this is dysphoria. Just because you're not throwing up in a corner doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

if my grandma calles me granddaughter, girl, whatever in russian, it automatically ruins my mood. makes me feel terrible. i hate it.

i dont feel as bad when my sister calls me her sister, though, for some reason.

Okay! So for me, I hate being called a lady, but I don't mind my wife calling me her wife. Again, this is all completely valid <3

when i get called by she/her i hate it so much. i dont want to make a big deal about asking for they/them - sometimes my friends remeber, sometimes they dont.

ive never tried he pronouns, dont think i want to.

they/them pronouns dont give me that much euphoria either, its just like. ok

Okay! Have you tried neopronouns? If you're not interesting in those, it could just be that they/them is what feels best. And that's okay, too!

another thing. my friend has another nonbinary friend. she always genders them correctly, but almost never me. it makes me feel like shit, like she cares more about getting their pronouns than mine, even though i know that thats not a good mindset and shit.

*loud buzzer sound* wrong. Your friend should be gendering everyone correctly, not just some people. Good friends care about making their friends feel comfortable, and this friend is making you uncomfortable. Would you feel comfortable talking to them about it?

also, heres some more on my fear of men because who doesnt love being scared out of their wits irrationally :D

my dance teacher had to leave to go back to where she lives, so they gave me a male teacher (i tend to only have female ones.)

i would be in tears every lesson. i felt like shit. (also i hate the sound of peoples voices and he would always be talking and i hate it so much because his voice, amongst others, is one of the ones that hurts my ears the most.) i even went to my mom to ask her for a change which helped ig? my new teacher is really nice and i love her so,,, yeah

Okay, I want to stop here to say- a lot of this has to do with gender, right? But this particular response seems to be rooted in trauma. Without prying too much, I am wondering if there is something that happened with a man or masculine-presenting person or people? You do NOT have to share with me, but this might be something to explore with a trusted person in your life. I mean, there is a chance it's gender-related, but in the most loving way, there seems to be something deeper going on here.

anyway, you dont have to answer this, i was going to just ask for help with labels and feeling like theres no correct label for me (i use agender now, for simplicity, because i dont feel connected to having a gender at all)

So I guess my question is, how do you feel about the agender label? When I looked up the definition, it seems to be defined as exactly what you described- someone not having a gender at all.

Also, remember that your gender identity and expression are two different things! You can identify as agender (or any of the other things you mentioned) and still choose to dress however feels most comfortable and use whatever pronouns feel most comfortable. There are no set rules except: do what feels most genuine and comfortable!

if you do want to answer this but dont want to use this large of an ask on your blog, just call me dancer anon, i will see and understand 👍

again, sorry for dumping all of this on you

ahhhhhhh don't be sorry, you are a wonderful human!

have a wonderful day

you, too! please message me if you want to talk more! <3

[alec-1016]

hi, this is a sleep-drunk vent session. pls feel free to ignore

cw: childhood.(idk, its not trauma, but it wasnt pleasant), internalized ableism, internalized transphobia, internalized misogyny, depression, anxiety, mentions of ed, sh and su1cide

also spelling errors

so, i just wanna vent abt liking shit. i grew up in a very privileged house, w both my parents being uni professors, so it was a very...intellectual house

i also grew up autistic. i was very often praised for being "good", quiet, smart, speaking in words too advanced for my age, reading and writing abovd my grade level, etc. so it kinda became "obvious" that i would become intellectually inclined, like my parents and older sisters

oh yeah, there is an eleven year age gap between me and my older sister, and a fourteen year gap begween me and my oldest sister. i grew up with adults.

there were barely any chdren for me to play w outside of school, so i decided i was better off alone. i read, drew, madr up complex imaginary scenarios in my head. i also tried to listen in and even participate in the adults discussions, and that also got me praise. i have always been a people pleaser.

so after i grew a bit, by like, middle school, i thiught i couldnt like kids things anymore. but i ciuldnt like teen things either bc i wasnt old enough for that. so i didnt really like stuff. i hid my special interests(harry p*tter🤢🤢 and riordanverse, mostly) from basically everyone, and threw myself into school

i have had anxiety ever since i can remember, and some symptoms of depression presented as early as 11. i have a cousin that is also deeply depressed, and that has been throigh roigher patchrs than i have. i always saw her as kinda my reslomsability, bc i was "well" and she wasnt. well, bc of all that, she loved to make fum of me. her parents used to unintentionally put us against each other and compare us, bc i wad the golden child and she was FUCKING DEPRESSED AND DIDNT LIKE SCHOOL BC PPL KEPT BULLYING HER AND COMPARING HER TO ME.

she made fun of everything i liked, and sometimes i even discovered that she liked the stuff too, she just wanted to seem batter than me in something. which i got at the time, and still get, but it fucking hurt and it made me fearful of ever liking things, in fear of being made fun of

which takes me to another place: school. i was made fun of for basically everything, and i just recently realized i was bullied for my autistic traits: not getting jokes and sarcasm, speaking differently, being too nerdy, too shy, too stupid, too slow, too much. i was always too much and never enough at the same time, never enough for ppm to like me

dont get me wrong i had friends. some amazing ppl that i still hold dear, some not so much. but it was hard knowing most of my class didnt care for me.

i also went through a "not like other girls" phase, where i thought if i liked boybands, tvshows, celebrities, gossip, etc, i was the most vain and uninteresting human being to ever exist, and no one would like me. so i forced myself to walk away. i didnt have a boyband phase or a tv show i binged untill i was 14/15, bc i didnt let myself get invested. i thought only "interesting, non basic" " girls" got to live their romances that i always dreamed of.

i got really hooked on shadowhunters through 2019 and 2020, even attended an online con that i almost didnt tell my mom abaout because i was so ashamed and scardd of being seen as...a kid, that i was(am). i didnt want to be immature enough to invest myself on celebrity gossip and tv shows. i was supposed to study, maybe read some ya books, but mostly classics.

throught he pandemic i got hit with some of my worst depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphia, disordered eating, anxiety and gender dyphoria. and guilt for feeling all of those while being in a very orivileged situation.

so i turned inwards, like i always did, eps when things got difficult. i read and re-read so many books, binge watched tv shows, barely talked to anyone outside of class. i started letting myself like things, but still felt guilty at every turn, which fueled all of my worst instincts

i still feel guilty for liking "stupid" things. for liking tv shows and thirsting over characters and rereading books and following popular creators. i dont wanna lose the label of "smart" that i always thought was my best quality.

i still try no to show i like things, recently ive been hyperfixated on titans, esp. brenton thwaites and dick grayson bc i am a massive bisexual w a massive crush. and i wanna fo something that i always try to do when i like/obsess with an actor: watch as much of their fulms as i can. even if they are bad. even if they had the budged of 5 dollars plus a camera. i dont care. but i feel so fucking stupid for not caring bc it shouldnt be some pretty face that draws me to a film

it should be the photography(which i absolutely love, btw) or the theme, or the director or whatever it is film buffs use to pick movies. this is where the internalized transphobia and misogyny come in at full force: society doesnt let teenage girls get away with liking anything w/o being made fun of. they are called obsessed, crazy, stalkers, vain, stupid, dumb,etc. and i feel like i am. that is the worst.its as if i agree w all those horrivle things ppl say abt girls and liking things, and it makes me dysphoric. it is so weird how this abstract conceot of being seen as a vain stuoid teen girl can make me feel bad abt my identity.

(btw girls who like stuff. yall are the backbone of yhis site, you are smart, creative, funny, and i lovs you with all my heart)

i also realized i dont know how to a man in fandom.how to be a fanboy and not a fangirl. is it any different? do i have to be more closed off? do i have to speak less? was i actually right to shut up abt my interests this whole time? is that part of the masculine in me? if so, why does it hurt so much, when being masc in every other way feels soo good, so freeing?

this is much longer than it was intended or ever needed to be, and yet it covers like, half of my psychological issues lol.

this is me trying to give myself permussion to watch other works w brenton thwaites lol

if you relate in ny way shaoe or form to this, i am sorry, i love you, and you are allowed to like things.

[limerent-licorice]

This is more of a vent blog.

Im pretty sure that nobody would read these posts and I think it would be better for others' minds as well if they don't read it. No pressure tho if u do want to traumatise urself.

Im not really sure why ive made this blog myself. Just that my mind runs wild at night and I just have a need to get rid of it so this is a way I try to make myself better.

Idk if I need an introduction considering that nobody would read this blog but if u do wanna know me just DM ig idk. Also idk whether I should mention this or not but I'm a guy if that really matters to u. I don't want ppl sending nudes tho. I hope u respect that.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been changing in ways that aren't really good. There's been this massive shift in environments lately for me and I remember that before I used to be very fun and energetic and very social. I've always been an introvert regardless and it's not that I'm not fun now just that I feel like I'm not able to connect with ppl the way I used to before. I'll just call this change of environments as a 'canon' (yeah ik it sounds very across the spiderversey but I'm not getting any other name in my head so imma just call it that)

It's not that before the canon, things were perfect. Ibe always had shitty mental health ever since COVID started. I was very deeply in love with this girl who was my best friend. I met her in middle school and honestly she wasn't the most attractive girl in the class but I was emotionally broken when I met her because my very own friends had betrayed me and I was finding it difficult to trust literally anyone. When all hopes for making any sort of friendship were lost, she entered my life. I was innocently but deeply in love with her. I never really told her that I felt that way for her because I had self image issues and I didn't want to lose the only friend that I really had. Maybe if I did risk it then things would've turned out different for me. But that very year she shifted abroad and I was like "fuck what just happened". She kinda did heal me from what I was going through and got me to an extent where I could at least believe in myself that I wasnt completely unlovable. Things went well for an year, I entered high school. Made couple of friends who were rarely guys because of the massive distrust I had in them. I was pretty accepted despite that tho. Like it might sound odd to many for a guy to ba part of a friend grp which is filed with girls but it never felt that way for me. Im pretty sure the other guys just kept thinking that I'm gay or I had low testosterone and what not but well Idrc as long as I'm protecting myself. And then boom COVID hit everything went online and I started to go onto social media platforms to stay in touch with ppl. That's when I got close to her again and this time, we got much more closer. She had some shitty friends abroad which made her to value those more back in her hometown. Which meant shed spend more time with me and her other friend whom we had a trio with. Well her other friend had always been along in my life and just that it's after I met her that I started to acc get close to her friend as well. Im gonna give these characters dummy names later but for now all u need to know is that we got close. It might feel like everythings going good but well life is like a tv show with small advertisement break like moments of happiness. And the break was over. I got a little too attached to her and fucked things up in short but we still stayed friends somehow. Things got toxic but her friend at times would seem manipulative of her and I realised that I was not the only toxic one here. This caused a lot of mental fuckups which eventually led to the end of the friendship two days before graduation. HOW FUCKING CINEMATIC.

Coming to the present that is now in college. Ukw I'll just let it out. Coming to college is the canon. Now that things are done with with the friend grp I had and that now I'm gonna start afresh. I came to college as a blank slate. I did have a lot of lessons I learnt n shit cause of all the drama but after I came to college, I realised that everything here works differently. All the old ideals n stuff its all inexistent. Like for example in my hometown, being homophobic was like a big nono and now here it's just totally normal. It almost felt like I'm surrounded by cavemen. And it just feels odd and unnatural honestly. So I decided to just ignore everyone else's opinions and values and what nots and just know them for who they are instead. Adding insult to the injury, I was raised in a place where speaking English was the norm due to a wide range of diversity n stuff but here, they just speak the local language. I mean we are a part of the same country and I do know the language but since I was raised in English completely, I had little to no experience talking in the native language which made communication evem more awkward.

With everything that's happened and everything that's going on, I realised that I'm losing my older self which everyone used to somehow seem to love. Idk whether I'm not able to propagate to others effectively or what but I feel like everything combined together is just ruining my old serene self. Like ofc the older self was filled with toxicity and trauma but I found my way out and found peace with who I was. And I was making new friends to a good depth and ppl were understanding me better and I used to help ppl cope with their emotions and everyone seemed to love me then. Now that I'm here, I don't see depth in ppl at all. Im not able to form bonds the same way anymore. And I feel like that side of me is just dying. Considering how much effort it took for me to build that side of mine, I feel like if I lose it, I've lost myself completely and I can't really say anything to anyone because my older friends are no longer present in my life and the newer ones don't understand me.

So I made this blog where I try to find myself by posting what I used to be to remember everything I went through to gain back that version of me.

[monstersflashlight]

Hey, I was wondering g if you could make a sleeping in the dark part 2? If it's okay to ask could you possibly do a chubby!reader?

Crying in the middle of the night in the darkness but the minster comes out to think reader is crying because of the dark. Reassuring her that it's oka and the dark isn't scary but, reader then explains that she wasn't crying because of the dark. The monster gets all confused and asks why she was crying. Reader tells the monster that she was insecure abt her body, then further explains that's she's been being treated badly in her work/school environment by her peers because of her body/looks.

Thank you if you respond, I mean it could be a she part and not part 2 but again, thank you.

-🦝 anon.

Hi 🦝 anon! I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this. I really wanted to do justice to this request. As a chubby woman myself, I know perfectly well the struggles of being fat in a society that doesn’t like fat at all. I try not to make any comments about the body of the reader if it doesn’t play a part in the action bc I want ppl to imagine themselves there as they want. Even when the monsters use terms as “little human” think about it like the monster is so big you are tiny, doesn’t matter how big you are in real life. I love a good size difference, so there’s that. I hope you don’t think this means you need somebody to tell you you are pretty, beautiful or hot, because that’s not true, you are all that without anyone saying it. Believe me, as someone who likes boys, girls, and everything in between, fat bodies are hot like burning. But I do get the necessity to hear it sometimes, and this story is born because of it. That said, I hope this is as cathartic for you as it was for me, this short hit really close to the heart for me. <3

Part 1 if you haven't read it

Sleeping in the dark (part 2)

Night monster x chubby fem!reader || orgasm denial || tw: fatphobia

You were, once again, crying in your room, ugly sobs that made it hard to breathe and your heart beating faster. You felt his presence before he could make himself known. “Oh no, little human, I thought we went past the fear of the dark.” His tone was so soft you felt your heart skip a beat.

You sniffled against the pillow, “is not that.” You tried to tell him more, but another sob broke from your chest.

“What do you mean?” He seemed confused at your statement, like there weren’t any other reasons why you could be crying about. You guessed as a monster in your closet he probably didn’t know much about the horrors of the world. He lived in a bubble of darkness inside your room, after all.

“They- They called me fat,” you told him in between hiccups.

“Who did?” His tone sounded dangerous. You looked up from your pillow, trying to see something in the dark of your room. You could see his silhouette, but nothing else. You wished you could turn the light on, but you didn’t want him to go.

“Some random dude from the office. They called me fat. They thought I wasn’t listening but they called me fat and made fun of me. I thought I was past that, but there’s always someone that reminds me how ugly my body is.” He growled at that statement. You ignored it and kept talking, “they always tell you to love your body, but when it comes to being fat, they want you to hate yourself. And I try to fight it, I try every day, but sometimes is just too much.” You sobbed again, he touched your knee and you felt his arms closing around you two seconds later. “I just want to be pretty.” You cried against his chest, your voice muffled by his skin. He growled and you felt it against your teary face.

“Don’t say that. You are pretty, you are beautiful, you are the most beautiful human,” his voice was filled with desperation for you to believe him.

“You have to say that, you’ve only seen me,” you joked. The laugh you let out was swallowed by the sob that broke free right after.

“You are wrong.” He touched your skin, wiping away some tears with his thumb. “I’ve lived thousands of years, I’ve known many humans, some of them have known me. You are beautiful. You are perfect.”

“No, I’m not. But thanks for saying that.” He flipped you onto your back so fast you let out a scream. He tore your clothes apart and you felt him caressing every inch of your skin at the same time.

“Beautiful,” he told you. He touched every part of your body, caressing your skin like you were a work of art, whispering endearing words against your ear. He told you every single compliment you could think of, and then some more.

It felt wrong to feel like that, you felt like he was lying, but he couldn’t be. It felt like he was forcing you to acknowledge every single cell in your body. It felt like he was pushing the words in your soul, trying to imprint them there so you wouldn’t feel ugly never again. You cried, at every single word, a tear ran down your skin. He didn’t wipe them out, he let you cry as he caressed your skin. When he parted your legs and positioned himself there, you kept crying.

Your pussy was so wet, and your soul felt so raw.

He started slow, licking your wet lips, playing with his tongue all over, but where you wanted him the most. He never shut up, telling you how pretty you were, how wet, how wonderful for him, how perfect. You were rapidly approaching to an orgasm when he said: “Say nice things about yourself if you want to come.” You shook your head, grabbing his head and trying to push him to eat you out again. “Say it,” he ordered. His voice was hard and commanding.

“I- I can’t,” you cried out. There was no way. You didn’t feel it, it wasn’t true. You weren’t pretty. You weren’t beautiful. His words seemed like a lie, but his actions spoke volumes. One of his hands never stopped caressing your soft tummy, your wide hips. His other hand played with your pussy, thrusting in and out in a tortuous way.

“Say it!” He insisted, his tone angry as he pushed two fingers into you forcefully. You cried out, almost there, so close but so far.

“I- I’m pretty,” you whispered, tears rolling down your cheeks. He rewarded you sucking your clit into his mouth, the touch of fangs against your vulnerable flesh made you shudder.

“More,” he ordered.

“I’m beautiful.” Each word was rewarded by his fingers rubbing perfectly inside of you, a torture like any other, driving you insane with pleasure. “I’m hot.” Each word he forced out of you felt like he was taking a weight from your chest. You felt like you were going to float away.

“Yes. Yes, you are.” He kept playing with you, getting you close to the edge just to go away when you stopped talking. He forced you to be nice to yourself, to say all the things you didn’t believe you were. But he did, he believed. And for the moment, that might be enough. He thought you were beautiful, he thought you were hot. Maybe… maybe he was right. He never lied to you.

You were lost in your thoughts and the pain-pleasure he was giving you when he flicked his tongue over your clit as he hit your G-spot. “Come for me, pretty human. Show me how perfect you are.” And you did, falling apart around his tongue and his fingers. The attack on your senses crashing down onto you.

You had an out of body experience, the tears cool against your cheeks, your rapid breathing coming into short exhales as he played with your pussy to drive you further up. You came so hard you think you saw stars. You felt boneless, your body and your soul completely spent. You felt him cleaning you with a soft cloth, your eyes closing already.

“I will stay with you,” he murmured as you were falling asleep. You felt his arms closing around you, his hands caressing your body, from your wide hips to your soft tummy… He made you feel special, he made you feel beautiful.

[rightouesgg]

I feel like I’m watching the office with my emo bf

We r kinda emo like in different ways. U more anime emo. I rlly like this shirt and hat. It’s sporty like comp sci jock attire. U should wear this during sex one day if u want

Ahh anime emo sounds cool asf. Yeah I embody KH fashion fr. And yes proving comp sci majors are jocks !! LMAO. How do I wear it during sex ? Won’t it come off ?

I feel like I’m in high school typing back n forth lol. It might come off but then I’ll wear it or put it back on u. It’ll be a prop. this was a good trip overall yeah?

Ah prop I understand. Yeah this trip was cool! It feels like it was a moment to intimate together outside of the AUC so it was nice to experience. Ofc some folks noticed but idc.

Yeah there’s nothing like being with a person like that in nyc. I kept thinking that. It rlly is a romantic city, & I just romanticize it. It feels like fake life, being with u here. My apartment feels like fake life sometimes. But school is real life

Yeah I agree. I want my cookies now! Also I read it and heard your voice it was crazy

🍪

You are soooo funny. Kicking my feet at hearing your say ty. You look like a nerd!!

It’s the glasses I got these and my ones before it to look like Tony starks. Engineer glasses I said. When I take them off I become my cool self. When u kick ur feet or swing ur legs or shii like that it makes me wanna fuck u (in heat…?)

That’s crazy🫡 yeah I feel like a cute Black guy when I dress like this and have girly reactions. I be feeling like I can just be me (slight neuro) when I get high sometimes. I would have a crush on me if I was my younger self. Wah. Is this a kpop wolf fanfic reference? Trying to think of a response but would you mind by Janet Jackson just came on so imma day dream rq

It’s funny how different ur typing voice is than your spoken one. I like talking this way. You are a very cute black guy n if we went to summer camp together ida made u fall in love wit me. Do I touch u 2 much? I said I always think ppl are looking at me anyways, n they almost always are - so I don’t think about being affectionate sometimes or how it would draw attention cuz I feel like there’s already attention. Does being w me make u feel like there’s more attention? I’d hate that

I feel like our typing voice is our souls communicating with each other fr cause if I was a boy n you were girl or wtv we would sound different. But this the voice I actually feel like I have! To me it sounds more masculine. I’m very new to affection in general but yes pubic affection is new. I don’t hate it because of the attention, but I am getting used to affection. It’s nice! I really enjoy it. Imagining being a black guy you knew in summer camp sounds so awesome. I def would’ve fell in love too

Yeah you sound different in typing!! But I can hear it. I wish I could draw so you could see how I see you. Maybe I’ll make a collage like a tumblr edit. I imagine this whole convo in the tumblr chat interface. I get that about affection. I’m very in & out with it but I’m more even now and think I’m in an affectionate phase w all my people which is good I think. You know you can touch me whenever? Not in that way,, but yk. or you can at least ask since Ik u like 2 b sure. At summer camp, I’d make fun of u a lot to start - in a super playful way where I’m kinda mean but it’s just an excuse 2 talk 2 u and sit across from u at lunch

[mariska]

OH omg the other thing too about. rewatching the entirety of ATLA this month as someone who was a huge fan of it in my childhood as the episodes originally aired. is that watching it now, age 27, approx. 20-ish years later. was recognizing pretty much immediately on episode 1 that Aang is so incredibly adhd coded (i have no idea if that was intentional or not by the writers/creators pls do not quote me on that statement lol) and it now makes such clear perfect sense to me as an adult why i always loved him as a character and as one of the main characters in the show as a kid.

cus like. i have always been a huge lesbian, obviously, even though it took me a lil while to realize that in young adulthood, so as a kid my All Time Fav avatar characters were the girls. and very rarely did i like. truly genuinely care and admire and hyperfixate on boy protags of media i loved as a kid, but being unknowingly at the time an adhd autistic kid and struggling to just get through daily life in school and stuff in a way that was at all similar to my peers, i absolutely loved Aang as a character the same amount as i did for like Katara and Toph and Ty Lee and Azula and Suki and etc etc. and it really is a strange surreal and comforting kind of feeling to rewatch his whole hero's journey now in the later half of my 20's and see my 7/8-to-11 year old self in like So So Much Of His Whole Personality And Actions.

like OF COURSE he was such a big comfort character to me back then, i was coming home from school absolutely exhausted from masking and misunderstanding lessons that were not being taught to me in ways i could properly learn and comprehend and incredibly anxious and stressed from the physical and emotional toll of it all, completely unable to even verbally communicate any of those feelings properly to my moms or other adults in my life because i had no real words or terms to describe it with then, but knowing a new avatar episode was gonna be on tv later and always feeling like everything might be ok cus those guys are my friends and i feel so happy when i see them again and that little boy acts just like me and he's not a failure or a freak or anything awful, he's a hero and a leader and a good person and his friends love him for who he is even though he doesn't have the strongest attention span sometimes and struggles to learn the things he needs to learn in life and would rather spend time having fun with the people he cares about than carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. and he is still celebrated for all of that. which is like. all i wanted back then. to be loved and appreciated and respected and celebrated not despite of my neurodivergence and differences, but because of them, because it made me unique and it shaped who i was and why i did everything the way i did it and how i viewed the world around me.

like. idk if any of that makes proper sense typed out lmao it sounds more clear in my head but. yknow??? idk. theres just something abt watching media that originally meant Everything to me during a time in my life when i had no proper words to help me understand why i felt so incredibly different and strange and Bad as opposed to the other ppl my age around me and feeling the same connection to that character and his story and his personality at 27 yrs old as i did at 7 yrs old. some of those episodes really left me feeling like i went back in a time machine to give my kid-self a big hug. the little mini arc in the 3rd season with Aang going to that fire nation school while they're all undercover was like ESPECIALLY Hitting Me Like A Big Ass Truck, that was like a barely even fictional re-telling of my never fully finished public school experience it was really wild watching it again now so many yrs later. i think Aang is really one of my favorite media protagonists of all time. 🥺

[floresyerrores]

Saw a post of how there’s this new trend of like pretty girls who were clearly obviously popular (and probably mean) in school are trying to say they are now the “weird girls” - basically like the new pick mes and it triggered me so bad.

Gave my flashbacks of my childhood and early days of middle school where I was picked on and bullied so bad. Almost forgot how bad it was cus I always looked back on it as part of my “lore” and “growth” lmao it was just a normal part of life right everyone got picked on a little right 😀

It made me into the little bad ass I am today right lol.

It was actually so fucked. I guess I always dealt with it by laughing it off but I actually was bullied so bad I had to switch schools. I didn’t *have* to but my mom became a teacher in my school district that same year while I was getting bullied and when she found out about how bad it was, she asked if I wanted to try a different middle school. My bff had to move schools and my other friends got sent to alternative school so I figured why suffer alone lol and thought a new start could be fun.

Circa 2007/2008 I went thru my early emo/scene in 7th grade (never really grew out of it tbh) and I lost all my friends from 6th grade basically since they thought I was so weird and different but I made new friends who were like me, my little weirdos ❣️

I had my little friend group, like 7 of us, we were the only emo/scene kids in our school so we were really close and would always walk together, eat lunch together etc. Some of us would get picked on worse than the others - me for example, so we always tried to travel in a pack so we wouldn’t get ganged up on.

I remember my math teacher being one of my worst bullies solely for the fact that she was my literal TEACHER and would clown me in front of the whole class and everyone would laugh at me and I would just sit there and take it because I had never experienced that before from my fellow students let alone my own teacher…

One time she asked me if me and my friend group where all dating each other and slept together 💀 we were literally 13 dude and she was asking me essentially about polyamory and orgies. Something I knew nothing about at the time. She would make fun of my friends to my face and think it was funny.

Everyone in her class shunned me and avoided me, no one wanted to sit at the desks next to me - we used to be grouped in 4 desks all facing each other and she would have to pick people to sit at the tables with me and would purposely pick the kids who hated me the most. The all thought I was the devil lmao or some satanist

I used to write in a journal and make silly little lists of random stuff like “people I love” or whatever. I was talking about my friends obviously and I wrote their names down on my “ppl i love” list and one of my close friends shared the same name as one of the girls at the table who would make fun of me. My friends name was Kristen, and the bully was named KIRSTEN. The math teacher called me up to the board to answer something (she always liked to pick on me knowing I was shy and was hated in the class) and when I got back to my desk my journal had been moved and the girl with the same name as my friend was like “omg y’all she LOVES me what do I do 😱 she’s in LOVE with me ewwww” and I just knew that they had read my journal. I felt so embarrassed and like my privacy had been invaded I wanted to cryyyy it was awful. Like bitch why would I love YOU when you obviously hate me, bully me, etc etc.

Obviously that was my fault for leaving my journal out in the open and thinking they would not read it. Tbh I think they went through my bag and found it themselves cus I knew better than to leave it out, but I’m sure they saw me writing in it all the time.

Then, when I got the big chop (cut my long, down to my back hair into a short choppy emo style cut) and went to school feeling so cute about myself, I walked into her class and sat at my assigned desk (in the front because she was cruel and hated me obv). She stood behind me during the lesson and touched my hair/back of my neck then said “oh wow they really hacked your hair huh” and kept inspecting my haircut. Everyone laughed while I silently cried at my desk. The trauma 💀

Another time she said it smelled like weed/smoke in her class and came up right behind me and sniffed me then was like, sorry you just look like the type to do that stuff. You and your…. friends. I was like no. I don’t do any of that (I was still innocent then lol)

It got to so bad to the point where my bff made me report it to our AP because she was his aide at the time and knew it was wrong of her. I used to cry and tell her all the horrible things that happened to me in her class that day. So finally after almost a whole year of her tormenting I listened to her advice and told our AP about what she would do.

She pulled me out of class the next day and tried to give me some half assed apology - said something like if anything she said to me hurt my feelings, that wasn’t her intention, she was just playing with me blah blah blah but I didn’t really care I just said its ok it’s fine cus I was always so shy and non confrontational at that point. I was honestly scared of what she was going to tell me. I had been hoping they would switch me out of her class but it never happened. They did find a sub for her class for awhile so that was a nice break from her even though I still had to deal with the bullies in her class (which she helped to create). I vaguely remember something like they sent her to some empathy training class or something but I could be wrong lol idk.

I can’t remember exactly what happened after but she was gone for awhile towards the end of the year or semester (can’t remember exactly) but she was in a car accident, her car was totaled lol (karma bitch) and she was gone for awhile. She came back with a leg cast, showed us pictures of her totaled car trying to get some sympathy lol and basically just played movies all day or let us do whatever. She told one of the students she liked that she really didn’t care what we did because she would be leaving at the end of the semester and wouldn’t be coming back to teach. Idk if it had anything to do with me reporting her but 🤷🏻‍♀️ karmaaaa

We had some students switch to our math class and this one stoner foo got seated next to me/was put in my group. This chubby Mexican guy (Chris). I called him a fat ass at lunch once cus he had skipped me in the lunch line so I was worried he was gonna be mean and would remember me but I knew he was pretty funny cus he was like “HEY I’m not fat I’m just fluffy” lol. I was also friends with his on/off gf at the time so I would talk to him about his girl problems and try to help him win her back lol. He was the onlyyyyy one who was nice to me and actually talked to me in that class when I literally felt like such a loner. He became like my bff in that class, I would share all my Japanese snacks with him and let him copy my answers lol. I will never forget him or his kindness, he also ended up being my 🍃 plug after I graduated HS up until I moved out of Texas 2 years ago lmao. Thanks Chris 🥲 he really saved me in that class because after that, the teacher never came after me or tried to clown me again. No one messed with me after that because he would always have my back if they tried to say something.

Other bullies in school would just corner me or friends or all of us whenever they got the chance and would just say mean things or ask stupid shit like “do you worship the devil” or “are you a witch” and are you all gay, etc etc. Or they would laugh at us in the hallways and make fun of our clothes. We all had to wear uniforms but ofc my friends and I went out of our way to show off our individuality and would wear skinny jeans and band tees or all black whenever we had the chance and ofc we altered our uniforms to fit our style lol. We were basically walking Hot Topic ads lmaooo. Those bullies were nothing compared to the math teacher.

Another time, on my birthday, my friends had gotten me some gifts and one friend (Justin) gifted me a Hello Kitty plush and also a Dear Daniel plushie bc he knew I loved HK 🥺 I was a little weirdo so I walked around the whole day with my plushies proudly and had a relatively nice day because of all the kind gifts. My friend (Kristen) and I were walking towards our bus at the end of the day and the buses were all lined up as usual, some kids already in their seats waiting to go. We passed by one kid in the window seat (it was open) who was taking a big sip of his bright neon orange Gatorade (I remember it so clearly) and he looked right at me and spit it out the window right at me and Kristen - it landed on me, my hair, my friend and worst of all - my brand new hello kitty and Dear Daniel plushie 😔 staining it orange and completely ruining my whole day. My friend smiled at them and kept us moving to our bus but as soon as we got to our seats on the bus I broke down crying the whole way home. Sad stuff man. The orange never washed off my plushies 💔

I wrote about it in my journal that night and I guess my mom was reading my journal during those days since she thought I was a devil child (lol jk she was just worried about me bc of how I was acting) and that’s how she found out about the bullying and decided to switch me out of that school for good after the school year ended.

Lots of other stuff I went through during that dark period of time but those are the events that I remember so vividly even 10 years later.

Good times!

All part of my lore hahaha

[blackvail22]

whenever i think about this, it makes me incredibly angry that i cant respond to ppl abt this so im going to pretend that i am now lol

"why did she graduate early just to go into the work force? thats so pointless"

its not. think about it, i work to get more money to move to the college i want to go to out of state. i live there for a year to become that state's resident and get a lower tuition rate. you hang around fellow rich people... obviously i didnt expect you to see the struggles of those that go into debt each time we go on a vacation every 5 years. im not as fortunate as you are. you always got what you wanted when you wanted. you got a $70k car for your 16th birthday, and your friend got a $100k car for their first car. you go on trips every other week during the summertime... new york city, paris, bahamas, florida... i dont expect you to understand my struggle of going to college. maybe if our government actually helped poor people afford college i wouldnt have to work all the time to afford basic necessities and save up for college. it must be hard for you, too. you know, when we were in elementary school and you stopped being friends with me when you found out that im in the lower class. must have been the biggest betrayal. or in middle school when you would constantly ask me if me and my friends were dating just because i like all genders. or when you outted me in a girls locker room because you thought that i was a perv because i like women. it must be hard for you to think and empathize for others. you know, living like that isnt going to get you far, especially when you can't respect another race... saying a word that isnt yours, enforcing racist sterotypes against others. you know, i think about when you go to college and that video still existing... it'd be a shame if someone sent it to the school and got you kicked out shortly before you graduate. all that money you will owe and you dont even have a degree... it'd be a shame if his ableist comments got back to where he got a scholarship...

-

this next thing is about my school experience. it was a formal letter like youd read aloud at graduation and it turned into me just spewing out every last memory i could because i kept getting distracting trying to make it formal.

today is a special day for not only all the students here, but the parents and faculty as well. today marks the day many here never imagined happening, especially not so soon. let's take a trip down memory lane and recap our school years together

we all remember our first day of kindergarten. in a building that is now a memory, we would shyly sit in our seats at the beginning of the day. introducting ourselves, moving our lunch choices on the smartboard, reading corner, and of course, the behavior chart. we all remember our world crumbling when our color went from green to yellow and red. what seems so little now was so big then. an example that sticks out to me was when i got made fun of for my hello kitty backpack. i told my mom i needed a new one, and i used my dora the explorer one from preschool. i got made fun of even more. or, when i went to the principals office because the nurse said she couldn't help me with my upset stomach. i remember sitting in his office and him not believing me. he made a comment about the saying on my shirt and told me to go back to class. i ended up having to go home because i threw up.

first through third grade was a blur. i remember being made fun of by m.f. because i didnt know the difference between eyeliner and mascara and t.c. laughing at me for it. these are the years i really had a sense of community, seeing everyone hangout together and leave the "weird" people out. it truly made me feel welcome, and im so grateful for this.

when we moved to the new elementary building, i remember people saying it wasn't fair that i had to take the elevator because i wasn't able to take the stairs. i remember each time that i hurt my knee and had to take the elevator. everyone would say its unfair and its because im fat. i remember when there was a substitute one day in 5th grade and we were going to our "specials" class and i knew it was art because it said it on the classroom wall, so when i took the elevator, i went to the art room. i remember the substitute got upset with me because he insisted it was gym class because people in my class said so, and it made me incredibly anxious. i remember when i told him it was art, and he dragged me to the gymnasium just to find out i was right. i remember when i was talking to a classmate in the gym nd they made fun of me for the gap in my teeth and for my teeth being yellow. i remember that i had an anxiety attack and burst into tears because of how overwhelmed i was. i remember i had to stay in a different teachers classroom because the substitute wouldnt let me sit in my homeroom. i remember as i was sketching hearing the teachers in the hallway make fun of me for "having an anxiety attack" and laughing about it and not believing me. i remember right after that a teacher said "alright, i guess i'll check on her" and checked on me while trying not to laugh. i remember about a week or two later our seats were being changed in my science/social studies class. i told one of the classmates that made fun of my yellow teeth he's going to sit next to me... turns out he did. when we got to our seats it was next to the teachers desk. my classmate said "i knew i was going to sit here. [my name] told me so." and my teacher got mad at me because he thought i looked at the stuff on his desk (i didnt). i remember i didnt pay attention the rest of the class. i remember it made me so incredibly sad that i started to draw a piece of toast and a knife on a post-it note, making an analogy about how i wanted to die. i remember that teacher looked at me and asked "are you okay" and i responded with "its not like you care, anyway. why ask?" and he said "i do care." and i ignored him after that. i remember feeling so incredibly betrayed. he told my homeroom teacher and as my teacher walked to the elevator, he talked about how i shouldnt kill myself.

nothing felt worse except the entire school not believing how much i was struggling and no one really cared to help

i could truly go on and on and on about this but im getting so emotionally destroyed that i feel its best for me to stop here

[voyeuristicvixen]

Captns Log No. 36_ChaChange$

Our first house party... SHIT WAS LIT. If you been followin my blog since the beginning then you remember when we first moved to Fakrava Island, we have moved into three homes during our time here, from tiki hut to private island to this big ass custom house. We really thoroughly enjoyed our time here, this is where we raised our tigers, and Yemi during her first months. It was super special that on our very last week here we were able to celebrate all the lil milestones with the biggest one we had in our list. 

I also got to share my love for music w the people and return to some of my personal SL roots. Being apart of the commune that was always my role there. I was known as the commune DJ and I was known for throwing wild themed parties like my favorite one which was a Andy Warhol theme based on the art scene he created in New York in the 80s. IYKYK. This time it was different because I was able to share a whole other side of genre of music and aesthetic w my people that connects to another side of me. That was dope. I am a hippie rocker alt chick at heart but I also am an African hip hop head too. LOL.

I didnt get much photos but Wav got all the good ones here the album link: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.104507015518461&type=3 The spread was doin its thing! We had all the tings, Mystory enbled food platters from Lucas L, Mura, we had the Junk Food Jello Shots the Tredente Punch, we had Hennessy straight from the best market Del Mar they always hook it up!! Like. We had the wineees and ofc I provided CBD waters from  starseedsbotanica and was givin out free exclusive candles and soaps. We really went in! Oh ! there was also a tray of all kinds of fancy party favors we had brownies, shrooms, joints .... lmao everything. And surprisingly had some left over, the drugs was prolly the first thing to go tbh ahahaha!

We didnt have any tip jar out or anything like that because it was just about the energy. I really wanted ppl to feel something new and different from this party, which is actually an old school SL vibe and tradition of being which is, sharing with others. What good is all these fancy homes and cute foods and clothes and objects if we arent using them to have fun, socialize and connect with others! Thats what the Linden bears are all about. The magick in giving something you made to someone else. Sharing your hard work and creations with your friends and strangers who you want to connect with.

I am def going to miss our room, Its literally when you finally get everything decorated the way you like that something happens where you got to leave lmao. I feel like ive even written about this before in past blogs because we have had rude awakenings in the past with our living situation. Lil Yemi is about to be one and shes moved so many times already! XD

Afro Nation fest was wild, I wont write much about this because it was a bittersweet thing for Wav and I. The sim was packed instantly hundred ppl there.

Asake performance was wild, we changed 3 times! We put on a real SHOW! I was basically IT girl dancer because the other three coordinated without me, even though I sent all the info of the outfits I put together to match his outfits in the discord. Outfits that were free/ affordable to get and fire! It was hilarious when I see them pull up in one fit they wore the entire show that didnt match anything on stage. LMFAO. They tried to leave me out but it did not work. I had all my routine set because I actually went to rehearsal lmao. I wont say anything else besides WAV AND I KILLED IT. He was also the only artist who had three changes during the show. We didnt get paid, thanks for any of our work.. for showing up to every rehearsal despite our RL shit we had going on, for rearranging our schedule to accommodate and perform. But we did it for the culture not for money intially... until we realized that none of the people were actually kind to us, talked to us or treated us like apart of the team. Sad.

DRAKE?!

So I made a line of intention based spell bound candles, completely original each one is hand poured and infused with crystals and magick. They are only found at my botanica on TheBlvd : http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Meroe%20Blvd/62/175/33

Theres one that helps you connect with your ancestors, spice up your life with love and adventure, theres one for intimacy in the bedroom, theres one for money of course! I made one specially for men and one for self empowerment too! Each one is set with intention when you click the candle its completely interactive and gives you stats.

When you rez them out they have a box of matches and little crystal pyramid with them that is to compliment and enhance the intentions in the candle. These candles help you with RL too because the energy of the intention will manifest in all realms of your life. Ase!

I also made palm stones, I chose the most helpful on hand allies I could think of. This all comes from the knowledge and wisdom I use and have gained working in my RL. I used to be a gatekeeper at a modern day botanica for many years. It is actually one of the most popular ones here in LA, visited by many high profile people. I am really exciting about merging this aspect of my RL with my life on the grid, overall it has felt fulfilling to my heart. ;)

I made spell infused soaps as well! Every botanica out there has em and they are for the practical mystics out there! Everything at my botanica is mystory compatible and boosts stats! Mainly happiness, energy and social!

Aw, our last lil pic as we packed up our fakrava home, we moved for a second to a house in Aussie shores and then from there we now live in our true home on the Mystory sim. I call it true home because that is where Meroe is, that is where the Botanica is, our new Secondlife family is found there. We wouldnt have it any other way and we are so grateful and blessed to have it.

[misterbitches]

(SNOB vOICE excuse me for talking abt myself on my own blog 2 no one...im always sf paranoid ppl think i'm being more pretentious than i actually am if they stumble upon my untagged posts)

i'm not a creative writer which is why i went to film school and not real school and write scripts. but i'll watch something dumb and post fics every now and then. so during lockdown i got this crazy idea in my head abt this very self-indulgent ridiculously boring but fun-for-me character study fic for winteam. i don't even know why i would have gotten the urge, i just liked them so much and bounprem's dynamic too.

around that time things everywhere were super fraught (still fucking is obviously) but it was when the pandemic was super bad and people were dropping like FLIES and there was constant state-sanctioned murder. in thailand there were a lot of protests because of a coup going on there and a protester in the VICE video i watched on it said music helped them deal with the poverty and drug use in the slum they lived in in thailand. the left and/or artistic, indie, DIY scenes in other countries always fascinate, inspire, and entice me. uniteasia is a great resource for alternative asian music. a large chunk is dedicated to metal, which i'm not into, but there's a decent amount of post-/punk, DIY/grunge, indie/alt, and post-hardcore. i've been seeing a lot of shoegaze lately too.

so all this brewing in me i started to really think about a (queer) anarcho-commieesque band au fic but team is a (gasp) [cis] girl and i know i know boo hoo but also fuck that! i got a comment about that which bugged me cause i had to justify my sexuality which was weird because why are we both not embarrassed to be on ao3? i get the impulse but no because it was specifically because of all the stuff above and me listening to a lot of my favorite bands like nirvana—in uwma win had posters of nirvana on his wall plus his hair (which could be poser-ish but now he has like 3 and a radiohead poster and an arctic monkeys and oasis poster so you know what werq plus i am actually a poser)—and hole, fiona apple (who had just come out with her new album), vince staples, a bunch of other good shit, and getting into sonic youth. it just got me thinking of like music and art and diy and gender and identity because that's something those bands/people talk(ed) about and struggled with, along with sexuality obviously, and i wrote a lot; still writing. so much was going on then but like life had to stop so so much wasn't? that intensity they bring...what it would be like when there's so much shit going on in the world, if team was different when shit is so different. in any other circumstance, i wouldn't have imagined this specific scenario (i published one? i think or maybe two fics i had for them b4 and wrote some on my own)

anyway i thought about just taking it down and completely reworking some of it into some script for some dumb romcom i'd attempt to write in a pipe dream for it to get made but these 2 are just too compelling for me and now that this show is here??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?! they're the only ship that could make me give half of a shit enough to even think this hard or continue something for up to 2 fucking years or even think about it. and for what? cos the fic is bad cos again can't write like that but just what? they had FORTY MINUTES in uwma. that's actually bonkers insane. like i cannot believe this????? how can i clown on them too much when they got so many of us fuckin' whipped. it's fun writing them just being hot and cool and doing art tho lmao it's fun watching them jus tbeing hot and cool and freakishly in love anyway i'm editing the stuff i've written and posted and will just save it instead of reposting. so if anyone ever read it before they can be extremely surprised at how different it is ^___^

speaking of music prem's song is really fuckin' good it's just the right amount of good pop with an edge it's a greaaaaaat background song for their scenes. genuinely good and i am never a fan of tv OSTs they are usually generic to me

[cryolyst]

~

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[hottie0]

k so i had an idea for a chameron ao3 series of all the fics being conan gray songs but i got lazy and only wrote 1.5 stories for it so because i’m not acc gonna do it imma share the ideas i had cuz someone might find them useful so (btw these will be copied directly from notes the first time i wrote them, they can also be used for other ships if u want but i made them for chameron):

grow: a year after hs cam and charlie run into eachother in vermont and then u see a bunch of flashbacks of old nights and things at welton. they exchange numbers at the end or smth. (i did this one)

idle town: charlie can’t sleep at his new school. he reminisces and whatever. a little more focused on cam. he looks over at the other side of the room but cam isn’t there anymore. instead it’s his new roommate who he doesn’t even know the last name of. end it somehow.

generation why: pre-canon cam and charlie just talking on the roof. banter. romantics ensue on cams behalf. charlie doesn’t feel the same way. that’s why charlie treats him the way he does.

crush culture: charlie pining after cam. a bunch of little things cam does to push charlie over the edge. charlie talks to neil and neil says cam likes him too. he doesn’t. charlie kisses cam one night while studying and cam rejects him and they argue. this is the night of neils death. that’s why cam didn’t find out through charlie and everything hurt a little bit more than it should’ve.

greek god: cameron’s being made fun of all the time by charlie and he knows charlie likes him and idk tbh this one got deleted and idk what i had written

lookalike: pre-neils death cam and charlie dated in their time at welton then broke up which caused tension going into senior year. the dead poets knew. when the dps started charlie got a gf and wouldn’t stop talking about her. her name was elaine. he brought her to a meeting and she looks just like cam. damn.

the other side: falling out of love. the process.

the king: cameron accidentally reads a poem charlie had written for/about him. he stresses all day and acts weird. everyone else is like ??? at night cam decides f it and confronts him. it ends cute

comfort crowd: night time. tomorrow morning charlie was meant to leave welton so all his stuff was packed up. hed already punched cam so it was tense. to say the least. cam randomly gets up out of bed and charlie is like wtf?? cam fuddles around then he’s like “u coming” they go to the cave and have a meaningful talk and if they end up cuddling then that’s their business

wish you were sober: charlie and cameron get drunk in their dorm. cam can’t hold his alcohol well so he gets wayy more drunk. he tells charlie some personal shit. some of which includes the fact that he used to have feelings for charlie. charlie has feelings for cam. he’s sad and sends cam to bed.

maniac: short one. they’re at the same bar a few years later. not with eachother but cam knows charlie’s there. charlie is talking shit abt cam and calling him weird and blah blah. but just that night, charlie had called cam desperate after years. cam thinks abt everything. he gets up and leaves but doesn’t leave w/o saying a big ol’ f u to charlie. this ones so mean to charlie. sucks. anyways.

online love): they’re doing long distance because charlie got expelled. they break up over the phone. aw. make it depressing. maybe by them being interrupted before rly saying goodbye and shii.

checkmate: they’re playing chess idk i couldn’t think of anything better. just cute and fluffy cuz i say so.

the cut that always bleeds: cameron is in a problematic relationship w a girl he met at uni. they just went through one of their fight episodes. cam went back to his room but he needed company. he decides to go to charlie’s dorm for comfort. but they haven’t spoke since that evening years ago. charlie says “i thought i’d never see you again” yadda yadda cam tells charlie everything and they just hold eachother. the gf is like “plz take me back” so cam does and he never sees charlie ever again. cry abt it.

fight or flight: charlie has a gf but little does he know she’s cheating on him. he ends up catching her with her side piece in their apartment. it’s cameron. there’s a whole wtf moment and the gf is like “u two know eachother???”. cams like “i swear i didn’t know” the girl leaves but cam stays. they argue or whatever or just talk not sure yet. then they kiss and charlie says something dumb and it ends. also cameron is hot as shit in this btw.

affluenza: probs short. when charlie is getting ready to leave cam is like “so money can’t buy happiness” and charlie’s like tf did u say to me. they talk abt where charlie’s going and whatnot and money. “i can’t do the things you do charlie, don’t you get anything” charlie leaves feeling a bit more guilty.

(can we be friends?): cam and charlie’s life growing up together. cute moments of them falling for the other. “now charlie knows why he and cameron could never be friends.”

heather: charlie and knox are together. cameron likes charlie. one night charlie is drunk and it’s just cam and him in the dorm. charlie ends up kissing cameron as a joke and cameron doesn’t know. there’s a fic like this. after the kiss it’s never the same. knox doesn’t know what happened. cameron has to watch them be all buddy buddy and shit- even if they’re not out to the rest of the group, cam knows. cameron knows not to interfere with their relationship no matter how much he wants to. he chooses to sit and watch and keep all his feelings inside.

little league: charlie stops by a cafe one night because he has nothing else to do. it turns out it’s open mic night. someone gets up to read. that someone is cameron. cameron performs a poem called little league. charlie remembers things. he leaves before the poem is over. /OR/ Cameron is an adult, he's a doctor or smth bouj, he has a family, a house, the embodiment of the american middle aged straight white man dream life. But sometimes, in secret, he takes Welton's Yearbook out of the shelf, and he traces Charlie face, and he remembers.

the story: cameron and charlie are late-night swimming in the lake together. they’re fantasizing abt whatever and charlie says “we should run away” they continue the convo like they did the others. a few days later charlie brings it up again, seriously this time. “what? dalton are you on something?” no. they get into an argument and shit. about a week later cameron wakes up to charlie sneaking out, but this isn’t sneaking out like dps meeting sneaking out, he’s running away. cam: “charlie? what are you doing up?” charlie: “this is your last chance. you coming?” cam: *thinks* no.

fake: ratting on keating and more angsty mess

overdrive: first kiss moment. they’re meant to be studying but they got distracted and are just talking instead. charlie’s like “cam have u ever kissed sum1” cam: “i think u know the answer to that dalton” charlie: “do you want to” cam: “ha! that’s a laugh! who can i find within a mile of here that i could kiss” charlie: me. whole carpe diem whatever- “charlie are you kidding do you know what would happen if someone found out!?” “so i won’t let them” but they kiss and it’s cute

astronomy: au: cam never ratted out keating but neil still died but just that whole thing never happened. ok. ever since neil died both cam and char were different. their relationship was tense. before it had been perf and everyone was envious of them but after neil everything changed. cameron was more agressive and easily irritable. charlie was more reserved and quiet. they tried to fix it but they decided it would be best to split. they still saw eachother in hallways and stuff, but were no longer roommates. after a couple months, they were strangers.

people watching: a view on the cameron/charlie relationship from other people. they’re opposites obv. when ppl were first informed they were taken aback to say the least. but when they see how they are together they get it yk? yeah u do.

ur welcome for my genius guys u need it.

[strawberryspeachy]

So i went to grab some take out today and had to wait a while in the bar while the takoyaki grill heated up. While waiting i could unfortunately overhear the loud white dude in the bar… reminding me-expat white men always remind me why americans are hated sigh

He was so loud - not in a drunk way - in a way that says he thinks hes sooo coool. Ugh every single time i get stuck waiting somewhere in earshot of a white dude they talk like this. Theyre so proud of themselves for speaking English and being out with japanese men. And him and his friend kept looking at me - i could see then in my peripheral and tried to pretend i couldnt understand them so they wouldnt try to talk to me

He was getting too friendly with the bar staff lady. And bragging about something - dunno. Managed to tune out making sense of what he was saying for the most part

UNTIL (luckily just as my food was being back nd i was about to leave) this dude starts talking about about how a girl wont suck his dick so hes gonna end it and “break her heart”

He was short and ugly and i assume looks even older than he is. Youre not “breaking” anyones heart dude….

Its just gross. So full of himself. So many super gross white men so fucking full of themselves here.

Got my thinking. I dont really ever see the girl equivalent… the closest i can think of are older white ladies whose air about them gives…. Military wife?? Or some other kind of stay at home mother vibe. They dont yell so everyone fan hear them but they do make faces of disgust at everything for seemingly no reason

But thinking about this ive realized theres 3 groups of western women in japan

1) girls who were not cool high school and obsessed with anime - actually this accounts for two groups…. Yea im in this one

1a) girls who were made fun of as a teen for liking japanese stuff…. This….. also splits into two..

1aa) girls STILL obsessed with japanese stuff and obsessed with japan. But secretly. They pretend they have a regular admiration for the country but really they’re still trying to live out their anime world

1ab) girls who left their obsession in the past. Trying to pretend were just normal functional people and not just weird in a different way

1b) the actual second group of this two parter. The girls who were made fun of in high school for liking anime BUT were cool on like the internet or anime cons or within their weird kid group. These are the girls THRIVING in japan (unfair) still doing lolita, street fashion or dancing or voice acting or whatever their niche at 16 was. (UNFAIR BECAUSE) as usual its appearance based. They always are super pale, have GIANT eyes, are SUPER skinny OR curvy in the right places. Usually light hair and eyes too. Got here off their parents money. Better than group 1aa because they dont look at japan through rose colored glasses BUT they dont advocate for change (like stopping pedos from doing whatever they want) because theyre the “good gaijin” understanding japanese ppl, theyll “never feel comfortable in the west again” cause only in japan can they be mini celebs, if they were the wests idea of (the word that means society has deemed you pretty) then theyd be in group 2

Group 2) literal models. This month tokyo, next month paris.

[ccsthemovie2]

trick or treat 2021 letter

DEAR MY KIND AND HARDWORKING GIFTER,

hi there my ao3 is zagspect and thanks in advance for making me a piece of fic or art in this fun little exchange! heres some food for thought to munch on.

i loooove slice of life, character moments, outsider povs that make things we’re used to in canon seem absurd or funny or weird or scary, humor, horror-in-fluff’s-clothing, sweetness-found-in-horror, and also just plain sweetness. feel free to get weird or experimental with your writing if you think the moment calls for it :3 im not really requesting anything sexy-nsfw in this exchange so pls keep things down to a nice pg13 (high-rated gore for higurashi work is an exception, lol, like, it’s when they cry. that’s just part of the deal.)

🌸✨

cardcaptor sakura (trick or treat!)

clear card manga spoilers are fine with me! manga and anime canon are both fine, and mashing them up is cool too. no aus past that though, please!

clow reed

the big man himself! scare me with his his manipulative tendencies, his eternal pushpull fear of both being eternally relied on and being no longer needed, the way he treats other people, especially people who love him. (yue! the madoushi! i am into both of these being unrequited romantically on his end, but he’s not gonna just gonna tell them that, you think he’s straightforward like that?) what’s daily life like in the clowse? creating a new card, what’s that like? does everybody get along with the normal, non magic neighbors? 

yelan li

what’s up with her??? what’s her relationship with her children like, what are the responsibilities of a magician family’s head, how weird is it that clow is kind of back all of a sudden, what’s her thoughts on sakura? fleshing out a minor character is always fun :]

eriol & li

okay, so, we get to the end of the original series. syaoran returns to hong kong. ????????. syaoran is in cahoots with eriol to (vaguely alluding to cc spoilers in case you haven’t caught up in the manga), do some pretty serious magic behind sakura’s back.

so, like... what went down in the ?????

kero & sakura & yue 

they’re FAMBILYYYYY. magic found family i love them so much. show me the depths of their care for her, and hers for them, the way there’s absolutely some ice to break with yue but when he gets loyal he will DIE for you, the way sakura can mend the rift between kero and yue, the way the two of them are balancing this wonderful openness and equality with oh yeah, she’s eleven, we kind of said some seriously dark stuff in the haze of sleepover talk didn’t we? 

ruby & spinel & eriol 

pre-canon or mid-canon or post-canon! what’s the dynamic between them, a quiet night in, a day out telling people that you’re connected by whatever lie you find funniest. going to tomoeda and having to pretend youre a kid, a teen, and a cat, but goddd you could all go for an elegant and adult glass of wine right now (especially the cat). what horrors are lurking in that house from the clow era that no one cares to address? like emotionally and also because it’s a magic wizard house with magic stuff in it. 

touya/yukito/yue 

i am here for any and all angles of this ship- all together, your touyukis, your yuetouyas, your yuekitos if you wanna get in on a rarely seen angle! (but pls have touya and/or yukito be 18+ at a time where yue shows interest in them). i wanna see the way they interact! how they deal with, you know, the everything! pre-relationship pining, going on a date, touya and yukito in college wondering if they’ll end up having different majors, different paths for the first time. yukito seeing yue on video for the first time (OH NO HES HOT), yukito and yue figuring out internal boundaries, etc etc etc.  

naoko and touya 

the girl who loves ghosts and the guy who sees (or, used to see), ghosts! does she follow him to one of his haunts (pun intended)? does he have to go to her for ghost sensing advice now that he’s a regular old human? does he have to save her from a ghost that means her harm? how excited is she to tell sakura about the COOL GHOST I MET WITH YOUR BROTHER OMG U DIDNT TELL ME HE LIKES GHOSTS??? and how much does sakura wanna sink into the ground lololol

🌹⚔️

revolutionary girl utena (trick or treat!)

ohh, what a place of scary happenings! tell me a fairytale, even if it’s not such a good idea. pre, mid, postcanon, im fine with it all. feel free to weave a web with easter egg references to any other media you feel is right for the moment- utena is all about Genre and Stories!

shadow girls 

i love them i love their whole everything. i wanna see a play, i wanna see them interact with other characters! what if they do a play AS the other characters, ooooh.

anthy/utena 

THE GIRLS WHO INVENTED LOVE THEMSELVES. ive read a thousand stories of them finding each other and it never gets old. id love to read about their life post-ohtori, especially the not-so-happily-ever-after parts- the old wounds reopening, the fights, and how they work through it, wont lose each other ever again. 

saionji/touga

what’s spookier than toxic masculinity? both of them miserably stuck, saionji obsessed with touga, touga believing anyone who believes in friendship is a fool. bro we are taking shirtless pictures among 500 potted cacti....why does my heart hurt..... oh shit its the cactus i rolled onto it ow ow

nanami

nanami being nanami! she’s got no clue how to act ever, she’s desperate, she’s trying SO HARD. i’d love to see a nanami finally getting out of there, too. leaving home with nothing but the clothes on her back, diamonds in her necklace, and a wheeled suitcase of raw eggs.... (crunch crunch crunch)

🎲🗓

higurashi when they cry (trick or treat!)

i’m a gou/sotsu enjoyer and gonna prompt about that a lot but original flavor is, of course, great too. pls dont go too heavy on info outside the main 8+saikoroshi+gou/sotsu? i haven’t read those. ive read umineko+ciconia though so references there are fine :3

rena/mion/keiichi

college days! getting together, crushing on each other, poly relationship figuringouts? dates that are just club meetings with kissing and all the ridiculousness of that.

satoko/rika

gou/sotsu era TOXIC LESBIAN EPIC MOMENTS!!!!!! obsession and desperation and satoko putting all her emotional eggs in rika’s basket no matter how angry she is with her, rika’s love for satoko across 100 years and how that all crumbles (to satoko) in the face of rika’s Cool School. rika wanting satoko to go to school with her so so so bad. deep pain and misunderstandings and acting badly (like, murder badly), and then, we hope, atonement and something new beginning? i love character moments where someones so obsessively in love it feels like its eating them up inside.

rena & satoko

look, rena’s smart and really pays attention to how people feel and i think, before or after satoko becomes a looper but especially after, she would make an attempt to have a heart to heart with satoko. and satoko, as a looper, will politely brush her off, will go you dont know me you can’t affect me. youre just a chess piece. when i get to the miracle world where rika loves me, ill listen to you. this you is here to die, or to kill. 

eua

oh eua is just using satoko up like a bar of soap and it takes satoko way, way too long to realize. evil girltalk/crush advice from the witchmom perhaps?

shion

meakashi made me LOVE her. internal shion moments, perhaps? shion being an empath (decides what ppl are thinking and instantly believes it)? shion in gou-era wanting to talk to satoko about st. lucia’s, but she never shows up to dinner?

okay i think that’s all for now!!! thanks and i hope you have fun!!!