#im just sad and lonely. but i have a whole different thing going on with like. struggling to form relationships rn

[dancing-with-stars]

guys. guys !!!!

[stuckinapril]

i’m finding it so difficult to detach myself and cut off a person who i am very much still in love with but who has repeatedly hurt me and strung me along only to dump me when reality hits and they remember im a real person with flaws and emotions and not some fantasy they created

i’m about to be really mean but this person doesn’t give nearly as much of a fuck about you as you do about them. you’re probably romanticizing them, playing a highlight reel of their best qualities in your head, rewinding all the good moments you might’ve shared w them. meanwhile they weighed your best qualities, replayed your best memories in their head, considered the value you add to their life as a person—and still decided it wasn’t enough and chose to dump you.

this was my biggest blind spot when i was going through things like friendship fallouts or my breakup w my ex. i was like but how can i live without them now!! as if they didn’t choose to severe our connection w their whole chest. you might be like “but they might’ve really struggled to do it” and it’s like okay, but they still chose to go through w it. their reasoning to them was more important than having you in their life, regardless of the tremendous energy and emotion that got expended into the decision. that or it took no energy at all, which just means that they were playacting their care for you and never actually gave a fuck. far more sinister.

from the way you described them, they’re still not mature enough to realize that love is hard work. that it’s not just convenience and feeling good all the time. why do you want someone like that in your life? someone who always goes into fight or flight whenever push comes to shove? not sustainable whatsoever. they literally did you a favor by walking out of your life. they saved you more wasted time and effort and pain that would have no doubt stemmed from their avoidant, erratic, wishywashy nature.

you have to get into the habit of not wanting people who don’t want you, whatever the context. i feel like a bit of narcissism is healthy when it comes to this bc i legit don’t care what a person’s attributes are; to me that’s such a fundamental difference in thinking between us bc i’m the dopest bitch i know. and they still don’t want me in their life ?? like ik what i bring to the table and that would be such flawed, ludicrous logic to me. it just gives me the ick and makes me lose interest in them as a person instantly, even if they were great listeners or had a good music taste or were funny or played the guitar really well. doesn’t matter, they still were shortsighted enough to think a life without me in it was a good choice. romantic and platonic breakups do bother me, simply bc i’m very honest w my love and i genuinely value the people in my life, but these days i’m not hung up on anyone for more than a day bc i will never want someone who doesn’t want me. never never never. i don’t have the compulsive urge to make people who don’t like me like me. i have such a don’t let the door slam you on your way out mentality about it. i’ll simply find someone who’s funny and a good listener and plays the guitar well and still cares enough about me not to dump me when it gets hard. doesn’t have to be one or the other.

also do yourself a favor and don’t fill the gaps for them or try to guess what’s going on in their minds. they dumped you? okay they don’t care about you. they cut you off? okay they don’t care about you. they’re not trying to send you subliminal messages on their ig story about how much they still care—and on the very small chance that they are, you shouldn’t want that. you shouldn’t want someone whose peak effort when it comes to you is posting a sad quote about how lonely they are without actually putting the effort into approaching you, apologizing, owning up to their mistakes. until they actually act on it, their feelings pretty much irrelevant & it’s best to assume they just don’t give a fuck. you don’t want someone in your life who always prioritizes their comfort over maintaining their connection w you. ruthlessly remind yourself of that and move on to someone who doesn’t just give you breadcrumbs, if anything at all.

[love-toxin]

ok hear me out - fruity four but with a ‘good friend’ reader who knows they’re poly (aka we all have a crush on you hngghhg pls let us love u pls)

ok so, maybe someday, readers feeling a little more emotionally vulnerable, and while on the topic of nighttime routines, when it comes to ur turn, ur like “oh yea i get ready in like, complete silence, lol im so in my own head, I’ll go through the motions of braiding my hair so it doesn’t get in my face, filling my hot water bottle up bc im icicle cold, filling my drinking bottle up cus i wake up randomly super thirsty, making sure i do alllll of my skincare and maybe get a little snacky snack” and they’re all like 😍😍 yeah? until you end the little explanation with “a lot of the time, i pretend someone else is just doing all of that for me, yknow, like taking care of me and being all soft and not forgetting a step, like I pretend that my heads just empty and I don’t have to think, but then when it comes to sleep-bed-time, it makes me a little sad when I realise that no one’s actually there to cuddle me to sleep, so I try not to do that anymore! :)”

and they’re all like??? mortified. horrified. their sweet, sweet ‘friend’ (dear god pls like us pls) is all alone??“ur lonely? :(“ but reader so immediately denies it like nope. me? no ofc not im just extra soft and sensitive sometimes so it helps to pretend it’s someone else - pretend silly!!

and then it begins. Eddie hands you a water bottle. Normal, until he insists, quite silently, to be the one holding it while u drink from it, tilting his head down to ask a little “enough?” when he senses ur done

and then there’s that one time when nancys going through ur wardrobe after turning up at the ass crack of dawn and ur still half asleep in ur pjs, “looking” for a sweater she coulda sworn she left here that one time, just for her to slyly build your outfit for the day, all casual like “hey, here u go, and I’m gonna do ur hair this way too, could help u put it on if ur still sleepy? :)”

steve knowing ur indecisive - he use to not wanna make u uncomfy and overstep by being a bit dominant and assuming how you’d want things, but now has no qualms abt take out. the usual back and forth over “what do u wanna eat” “idk steve, u decide” “well idk what I fancy, what do u fancy” “I’ll have whatever Steve i promise” and when u do decide on a place, the whole other back and forth over what to actually order.

So now he just lets you know with a soft smile like “just ordered a chicken korma in, made sure to get u that nice mango chutney and a couple poppadoms, we’re watching greese too in a sec :)” and u feel.. weirdly safe. comforted? u can’t put ur finger on it so u try not to dwell on the feeling.

robin gets so touchy. they all like to be touchy with eachother, and at this point ofc are as touchy as they dare with you, but my god robin kicks it up so many notches. thinks nothing of biting u. which the first time she does it ur all like “ 0-0 huh?” until she explains that she cant sit still and ur literally right there so she’s naturally gonna get all chompy, and ur nice enough to be like “ohhhh alright” cus it’s not like she’s doing anything heinous, it’s just one of her quirks, right? always putting her legs over urs until she can find a way to get urs on her own, leaning into ur side until she can casually figure out how to make u do the same.

oh god. a sleepover. the thing they’ve been building up for. All of this? layered on THICK. you know they’ve been meticulously planning every single step of the night and planning everyone’s roles

(so so so many disagreements cus Eddie and Robin both wanna braid ur hair, but nancys the only one who actually knows how to braid. or Steve and Eddie fighting tooth and nail over who gets to do ur skincare until they decide that Steve can do all the washing and Eddie gets to do the nice soft pat pat pat towel drying)

They try and be smooth abt it but ofc it’s so different to other sleepovers. and u sorta just let them do it. u feel so selfish but it’s like.. the second Steve and Eddie pull u into the bathroom and Eddie picks up ur toothbrush to do ur teeth before ur facewash, u tear up a little. u feel selfish for indulging in their kindness but don’t wanna stop them. u wanna be cuddled by them all to sleep so badly but also not overstep relationship boundaries

WOOOOOF!!!! WROW!!!! IM......MELTING......no,, I'm too soft for this, im......sobs.....

being so vulnerable with them and getting rewarded for it.....it's like laying a present in their laps--they've loved you so much for so long, they've always wondered what they could do to show that, and now you've just dropped the answer right in front of them without even realizing it. them hoping you realize what they're doing when they fulfill all those dreams of yours, when they care for you down to the littlest detail, but in some ways they almost hope you don't, because it's almost better to watch you be so shy around them when they're doing things for you and be moved nearly to tears when they insist on taking away any stress you might be subject to. and then you feel selfish, you worry you're getting in the way of their relationship, and all four of them know they have to make it clear to you that you're one of them. they've just gotten what they wanted--to dote on you and be the ones you rely on completely--and they're not letting that go because of some silly worry you have of taking advantage of them. you could never do that, ever, they can promise you that.

[ianthoni]

ROBOT DREAMS SPOILERS

Just watched it. They each end up with a new companion. The final scene shows Robot hiding from Dog so Dog never even realizes Robot is still alive, which is portrayed mostly as a good thing that allows them both to move on. It's a little more complicated than that, and it nearly made me cry, but idek where to begin interpreting it in Ianthony terms. Need to know how others are seeing it

~Spoilers about the movie and why i think it's ianthony below this.~

OMG I JUST FINISHED IT AND IM CRYING. THERE WERE SO MANY PARALLELS! YOU KNOW WHAT THE ENDING IS? IT IS IF IAN NEVER REACH OUT TO ANTHONY. IN THEIR ENDING HE DID RATHER THAN STAYING BACK LIKE IN THE MOVIE. IM CRYING EVEN THIS IS A PARALLEL. Ian gave this movie 4/5. I believe if Robot went to Dog and hugged him he'd give this a 5/5.

This movie was full on ianthony I'm not even kidding. There were so many parallels to them. Like from the beginning how their friendship didn't end because Dog wanted it, it ended because Dog was leaving but Robot couldn't go with him, he was stuck.

And then we saw how lonely Dog is, how he's trying different things to forget Robot and cheer up but they always fail and he turns back home all sad. Just like Anthony in the beginning, like how he tried to find his footing on the platform but he was struggling.

And then Robot. God Robot made me so sad imagining it's Ian. All alone, even if there's people around no one is helping, he's alone for seasons that felt like years. How he's imagining constantly going back to the Dog, this is Ian wishing he left with Anthony instead of staying back.

The RABBITS RIPPING HIS LEG AND LEAVING HIM BEHIND?? THAT'S DEFY! MFs piss me the fuck off omgggg. They used him, they drained him, tearing him down, and in the end they didn't even use the whole leg it was just one little toe. But now he's legless. That's what Ian was like when Defy left Smosh. They ripped off Ian's creativity, they ripped Smosh down, they tear his wings apart and left him alone helpless.

The little birds and mama bird is the Smosh cast, Courtney, Shayne, Olivia, Keith, they're there to cheer him up and make friends with him but they're not there forever too, they're big now and they have their own things, leaving Ian alone once again.

Rascal is Rhett and Link. They find him in the darkest times and help him out. Give him his joy back. Give him life again even a little bit even tho he's still missing Dog. 🥲

Which he was, he was still dreaming about running to Dog, to hug him, because that's all he wanted, for season's and season's all he wanted was Dog back.

In the movie he didn't cause he thought they're better off without each other. Dog had someone new, someone better and shinier and gold. When he is now changed, has different legs, his body is not his body now but a tape, he had someone else depending on it. So he couldn't find the courage to go to Dog. To hug him. Maybe he was afraid of rejection. Maybe he thought he's better off without him. Years pass in the end, and Dog is holding someone else's hand, he's dancing with someone else.

Thank god in Ian and Anthony's case this didn't happen. Ian finds the courage to call Anthony, even though he was broken and changed and a lot of time passed. He called because he too couldn't forget Anthony. He thought what they shared was something to remember. Something that needs a closure. Or more like, a new beginning. Yes they're different, yes they have different people in their lives. But what they shared was so special to him he couldn't just let it go that way. He couldn't watch Anthony from afar and be happy for him without Ian. You can say this is selfish. I say he did it because he knows Anthony would be happier with him. It is not selfish. It is love.

There's a song about this in my country that reminded me that

[i-hold-horrors-hand]

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE COPIIIA INCEST BECAUSE I HAVE TO YAP ABOUT IT.

This is going to get long so if you want to ignore this you can.

I always imagine Copia has a crush on Terzo ever since growing up with him. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help himself. He had forced himself to be distant towards Terzo and act so coldly towards him especially during his cardinal years, (hence why he always throws shade towards him.)

In his higher cardinal years knew the two would never work out. He had given Terzo the cold shoulder and it was a stab in the heart when he saw how affectionate Terzo was with his ghoul Omega on stage. At that point Copia gave up on the idea of being with his older brother he’d still have fantasies or dreams about him, but he couldn’t slip up now, he was far too deep into this mask he gave himself on how he should act towards Terzo.

On special nights when Copia is feeling rather lonely and touch starved, he typically plays some songs Terzo had sang. Some of his more slower songs like ‘Nocturnal Me’ just so he could hear his older brother’s soft voice and excellent singing. On most nights like those he’d fall asleep holding a pillow crying.

One day in particular, Terzo had asked Copia that on this ritual he needed his brother there. Copia was the most trusted cardinal and he needed to make sure everything ran properly. Copia felt his heart flutter, but he needed to go back into ‘acting’ so he had made some snarky comment saying how he had better things to do than to engage in Terzo’s ‘crappy’ performance.

That finally broke Terzo and he snapped on his brother calling him out and asking why had he given him the cold shoulder. He asked Copia what he ever did to him to deserve this attitude Copia had given him. Saying how hard he tried to make amends with Copia, by giving him small gifts, giving any higher ups a good word on how Copia was, he even kept quiet about the rats Copia had kept. Terzo was feeling a mix of desperation and frustration towards Copia but he felt a great amount of sadness. The two used to be inseparable, but now it’s like if Copia so much Ed as breathed the same air as Terzo was torture.

That ultimately broke Copia. He had crumbled to his knees. Sounds of crying and heaving were heard a long with countless apologies and panicked rambles in Italian. He never wanted to make his older brother feel like THAT. The guilt was devouring Copia whole. Once Terzo had managed to soothe Copia and bring his baby brother to a better level, the two had sat on a plush couch. Copia had gripped his water bottle Terzo gave him, shaking uncontrollably. And once Terzo asked what was wrong, Copia only spoke in a weak voice “I can’t tell you. It’s wrong and you’d view me completely differently.” That made Terzo worry, he had placed a hand on Copia’s shoulder, soothing Copia’s worries and saying how this is a safe space. Terzo knew how bad Copia’s anxiety can get so he spoke carefully. And finally Copia confessed his feelings to Terzo. His face was flushed red, he had his eyes closed and his hands over his face. ‘This was it’ Copia thought to himself ‘he’ll see me as a freak and he’ll tell everyone. My reputation is over’ it took Terzo a couple of minutes, but he eventually brought a hand to Copia’s hands, slowly pulling them away from his face, he wanted to see his baby brother. And once Copia reluctantly looked at Terzo, he felt a soft hand on his face thumbing away a tear. And in matter of seconds, Terzo’s face was all up on Copia’s. And then their lips. It was like a fever dream, but Copia kissed back. If this was a dream he didn’t want to wake up.

To his disappointment, when they pulled away Copia braced himself for a sudden change in attitude. He knew Terzo was just teasing. He knows Terzo will kick him out. But he just saw his older brother smile and reassure Copia that his feelings are completely mutual. Which surprised copia. He hadn’t expected that AT ALL. Copia then asked how long had Terzo liked him, he asked about omega, he asked how their family would think of them how the church would view them.

Terzo tried his best to soothe Copia’s doubts. He explained how he was fond of Copia ever since they were children, but his feelings grew romantically ever since he saw Copia become a cardinal, he explained how he’s affectionate with every ghoul, but Omega was the fan’s favorite so he had to pay extra attention…nothing special, as for the family and the church he had only said that if their going to start a relationship and continue it then it’ll be their little secret.

And from then on the two were practically irresistible. Copia had given Terzo so much affection making sure he made up for all the times he had treated his brother wrong. And Terzo had made sure to welcome Copia’s affection with open arms. The two would kiss, make out, and it took a while but they eventually fucked. By that point the two NEEDED each other desperately. Every night or morning or both they’d spend fucking then having a make out session which turned into a cuddling session. Everything was better now. The way it should be. Copia was just glad his older brother didn’t shun him away or feel disgusted, he had doubts every now and then, but Terzo would make sure Copia would forget about it.

ANYWAY THE END, SORRY IF THIS IS LONG BUT I NEED TO GET COPIIIA INCEST OUT KF MY CHEST, I HAVE A LOT OF IDEAS BUT I DIDNT KNOW WHO TO SAY IT TOO. YOU DONT HAVE TO READ THIS BTW IK ITS WAY TOO LONG.

AHHHHHHHHHHHJHHHHJJJJHHHHHHJJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

The DRAMA. The SUSPENSE. The ANGST. Copia waiting for Terzo to drop the other shoe with without the hole but Terzo CONTINUING to love his brother! The forbidden romance! The tenderness and love in spite of the taboo nature of the relationship!!

I AM CHEWING DRYWALL NOW!!!! :D

[worstvideogamesong-poll]

Worst Video Game Song Tournament - Round 2 Match 5

Know What I Mean? - Mario Party 2

VERSUS

The Yoshi Clan - Yoshi's New Island

FIGHT!

I would recommend listening to as much as you can of each song before voting, but how you choose is up to you! Remember to be civil in the tags and replies!

Propaganda under cut:

Know What I Mean?:

"#i'm going with the mario party #it's SO off-tune and off-beat constantly #which i think is intentional but #i hate it"

(in reference to its previous match) "#this literally isn't even a fight. coughing baby vs nuclear bomb level matchup. what the fuck was that mario song. who thought that was a #good idea. i want to have words with them."

"#kwim is overstimulation in its purest form #it's the musical equivalent of getting nonstop discord notifications while looking for something i dropped while someone is talking to me"

"#know what i mean absolutely ROCKS. horrible. rocks so hard. they did the same thing that yoshi clan did. im guffawing"

The Yoshi Clan:

"the ass band will play a song of farts to celebrate your failure"

"#FUCK YOU YOSHI"

"#yoshi sounds like suck"

"#YOOOOOOOOSHI CLAAAAN!!!!!!!! #ok im gonna complete my santa review before getting to my ten page essay on why i love yoshi clan. yea that shit bad #i accidentally started it playing in two tabs at different points of the video which was honestly really fun. i recommend tryin that esp wi #bad songs really adds smthn to the exprience. it was awesoeme #it also just sounds the exact type of awful that that video image implies which is cool. its so perfect. it sounds ass #but. what it can not beat. is my favorite of all time. my darling love. it is time to begin my sermon #ok so yoshi clan is just so beautifully terrible. and truly the whole soundtrack is an orchestra of bad design. and its so fun to look at #that really nice professional looking art for the game and get BLASTED with kazoo #and like. i understand the thought process. kazoo does seem silly goofy yoshi. and it also sounds like a chorus of pain #now this song specifically has some really great awkward pauses. at 0:16 theres like a full 3 seconds of silence. which is SO cool #then the hot cross bun bit that ends at 0:27 gets so sad and deflated at the end of it. like it starts off in time but then clearly the #soloist got kinda embarrassed alone and so rushed and got really quiet. and its just so sad and lonely. its so cool #also some of these pauses have a couple lone far away kazoo squeaks for no reason before the 'melody' comes back in? awesome #but what i really really love about this. what really draws my eye. is the ending. because we go through this entire rigamarole with the #worst secondhand embarrassment of my life. then. 0:43. the kazoos move out. and in. the most genuinely awesome groovy drum beat in the worl #like its SO good. and those last few seconds are like you're in a different world. like you just survived horrors and you are brought to an #angelic chorus. and it lasts what 5 seconds? 5 seconds of beauty after a full 40 seconds of purgatory. in what world do horrors live foreve #while an angel can last for only a flash #its cruelty. its injustice. its completely ingenious. incredible music making. i am in such awe. #anyways thats my manifesto. please feel free to put any of this in the propaganda section op. im passioante"

Feel free to add more propaganda in the tags and replies, or send it to me in the ask box and I'll try to share it as soon as I can!

[peasthedumb]

Mini vent (dw, nothing serious, basically just complaints. It’s written kinda long so there’s a tldr)

[tl;dr]: I’m staying over at my youngest brothers caravan for a week, and I REALLY REALLY want to go home because I feel REALLY uncomfortable, unsafe and trapped and out of place, but I’m 4 hours on a train from home and it would break his heart to try leave early.

So, context: my idea of fun is chilling with my comfort group of family humans. We sit, we don’t talk, maybe me and my oldest brother watch a game we both like, his girlfriend plays sims, I play my own games, it’s real chill, real fun. We don’t go outdoors or do extravagant things or have to host and please- we literally just do nothing. It’s great.

So what am I complaining about? My other younger brother, lives by the sea, super autistic (diagnosed), really extroverted, being hugely silly. Hes 10 years older so he loves me as his baby sister (I’m definitely more mature than him). So anyway he’s been feeling lonely lately living away from the whole family and he just got a new caravan with his new gf, so he wanted me to come over for a few weeks. I do not want to leave my comfort zone, but eh, it’s good for him, I agree to one week. So anyway, yeah, it’s hell.

3 days and I’m already worn to the bone, he needs constant entertaining, wants to do something every day, his girlfriend is coming back tomorrow and it’s gonna be 10x worse. She seems lovely but with all due respect, I’ve never met her before, and my brother is already pushing the edge of my comfort bubble. Everyone is very very lax and chill and touchy, which is fine, exept I’m a super terrified asexual, and the amount of fucking times I’ve had hands on my waist or hips and obviously it’s all casual and chill but it’s SO uncomfortable, and I don’t have a bed, or any normal comforts, and everyone is different here, and I just want to go home. I really really want to go home, like really really. I miss home, I’m homesick, I want my people back, the pets, my bedroom and safe space, Ive cried every day I’ve been here, I just feel so tired and uncomfortable and unsafe, and it’s an entire 4 hour train back, so it’s not even like I can just pop over, or ask for someone to come get me.

Im fucking at stranded in the middle of nowhere with nobody, nothing, nowhere of comfort, and I cannot express just how much I want to go home. I feel so uncomfortable and tired.

But my brother , super autistic, has been SO exited to have me, and he’s SUPER exited about me meeting his gf and bringing her into the family group, and he’s loving having me here, and he’s been SO sad leading up to this because he misses me and the family. I’m actually trapped, I just want to go home.

[puffpasstea]

hiii I love all your writing! it really makes me feel some type of way 💖🥲 I was wondering if you would be willing to write something about y/n feeling like her friends are using her (to get to harry, $$$, or for clout) and Harry is comforting y/n. Or something like y/n feels left out at a Hollywood party with all of Harry’s friends?

im going thru a rough time with my friendships and kind of feeling lonely. no pressure though 💖 thank you for being a source of joy during this time 🥺🫶🏻

Hi babes! Thanks so much for your lovely message 🥰🥰 and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been where you are. It hurts no matter how you try to rationalize it. Please know that my inbox is always open if you need a friend, or just to vent. I hope this little one shot helps somehow. Let me know what you think! 💗

—

She plumped down on the barstool, tucked away in the shadowy corner of the room, letting her feet dangle and hover over the floor. Those heels were killing her. She glanced across the room, scanning the crowd of faces for Harry’s comforting eyes. He was standing in between Jeff and some really old guy in a suit, the grin on his face slowly growing until his dimples appeared. At this distance, she had no idea what he was actually saying, but she liked to imagine that he was telling a joke, judging by his face, that’s usually what he looks like when he’s laughing at his own joke before he’s even reached the punchline. She was glad to see that he was at least having fun. Because she’d be lying if she said that these kinds of events felt fun for her.

Tagging along to these parties increased her sad and admiration for Harry. It always made her proud to see him in “work mode.” This wasn’t even what he normally does for a living. Giant parties like these were usually hosted by the record label, designed to make really rich, really old people feels important enough and respected enough to convince them to invest their buckets of money into musicians’ tours. Someone needed to pay the insurance companies, purchase the bands’ equipment, pay the crew, and fund the millions of things -big and small- that went into carrying out an entire tour. Learning this gave her a better understanding of why, to make it in an industry like this, you need more than just a pretty voice and a little bit of hard work. But as proud as she was of Harry, she couldn’t help but feel like an outsider in moments like this.

Harry always wanted her to feel included, so he would keep his arm hooked into hers, introduce her to his team and investors, and whisper any background information into her ear to catch her up to speed. She loved witnessing first-hand how he was good at remembering a CEO’s 4-year-old daughter’s favorite cartoon, or how he complimented an ancient rich lady on her brooch. She found his ability to make everyone feel important to him weirdly attractive. But, when Harry and his friends would so quickly fall in and out of industry talk, making inside jokes or using technically lingo, she often found herself feeling weird. Like she was an anchor weighing him down. His constant need to keep an arm around her waist, or to explain a joke to her, or rephrase something in a way that she would understand, it made her wonder if he wouldn’t be more present in the moment if she wasn’t trailing behind him, so she found a quiet place to sit and admire him from a distance, hoping he’d be too engrossed in his friends’ conversations to notice her absence.

She pulled out her phone to check the time. It was almost midnight. She could pass the time by scrolling through her phone, but it would honestly just make her more miserable. Scrolling through Instagram posts of people that felt so far away would just hurt.

Perhaps this whole thing wouldn’t be on her mind if things in her own friendship were different. The truth was that some of her most important relationships have felt nonexistent lately. Which made her more conscious of how she related to people. Often even wondering if she had some invisible flaw that she’s failing to see, or if she was too stubborn to realize that she was unintentionally pushing people away. It felt like her relationship with Harry had altered the way that people saw her. Friends that she had had for quite sometime, and honestly thought would hold on to forever, were now gone without a real explanation. It was like they’d decided on her behalf that she no longer needed them. They began acting different around her, gradually growing colder and more indifferent. It was difficult to come to the realization that, if they would treat her this way, maybe they weren’t really friends in the first place. Maybe they only liked having her around to make them feel better about themselves and seeing her happy, successful, and in a relationship with someone like Harry was doing the exact opposite of making them feel good. So, they no longer had any use for her.

She felt a lump form in her throat. At least ending friendships in this way was better than the opposite. The people who’d never actually liked her, never treated her with any respect at all, and never bothered to hide their feelings about her suddenly “reconnecting” with her because they found out who her boyfriend is. How did things get so fucked up and why hadn’t she noticed until it was too late?

“There you are!” The feeling of Harry’s soft lips kissing her cheek yanked her out of her spiral. “How’re you, darlin’?” He smiled, grabbing the stool next to her and ordering a drink. He still had a smile on his face and seemed to be giggling to himself.

The look he was giving her forced her to smile back. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, it’s- it’s nothing Mitch was just telling a funny story over there.” Harry chuckled at the memory of the encounter. “Anyway, where’d you run off to? I looked behind me and you’d vanished.”

She waited for a moment, considering just telling him the truth but she didn’t want to burden him. He was clearly having a good time. And he’d earned it. He’d been working so hard lately; a night out with his favorite people is what he needs. Besides, she liked that Harry felt comfortable enough to introduce her to his friends and bring her to industry events. She didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.

“N-nowhere, I- my heels are just too much. Probably should’ve worn a different shoe tonight.”

Harry’s brows furrowed. “Oh, I’m so sorry, baby. Wanna go home?”

“Oh- no, no. Don’t worry about me. I’m good just staying right here. You go, have fun.”

Harry wasn’t having it. She should’ve expected it. He wasn’t the kind of person to just abandon her after she’d admitted to being in pain. Instead of going back out there, he brought the party over to her. Within minutes, Mitch, Sarah, Pauli, some assistants from the wardrobe department and a few drum techs were gathered around her previously private corner. They’d ordered some appetizers and sat around telling stories from past tours, making plans to visit the landmarks and hidden gems of certain cities they were touring, and recalling the time someone had intentionally re-tuned Mitch’s guitar and fucked up his string-matching.

For the whole night, Harry’s hands were on her thigh, glancing at her in between conversations and casually kissing the top of her head. She felt selfish for not having fun. After all he does for her, and after he’s forced everyone to hang out at the bar so she can be included. She still felt like an outsider looking in. What the hell was wrong with her?

The ride home was quiet. Harry asked her if she wanted to take her shoes off and stretch her legs but she’d just hummed a quiet “no,” looking out the window of the passengers seat to avoid his eyes.

She stood in the bathroom, getting ready for bed and trying to shake the feeling of intense isolation that had clung to her. She wished she could wipe it off the way she’d just wiped off her makeup. Maybe if she just went to bed and started fresh tomorrow?

Harry called her name “come over here and give me a cuddle alreadyyyy.”

She made her way to the bed where he’d been plopped, reading a book as he waited for her. The goofy smile on his face disappeared as soon as he saw her. “What’s the matter, baby?”

“N-nothing.” Her voice betrayed her, already breaking. It’s just that the softness of Harry’s voice and the concern in his eyes threw her off. The tears that she’d been pushing away all night were now stinging the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Not nothing.” Harry asserted, reaching for the side of her hip and gesturing for her to come closer.

“It’s dumb. Please just forget it, Harry.” She pressed her palms to her eyes, wiping the tears away.

“It’s not dumb if it’s got you this upset, honey.”

“I- I just wish-“

Harry said nothing, his eyebrows shoot upward.

“I wish I wasn’t so lonely all the time.”

Harry felt his heart split in half at her words and the simplicity with which she’d said them. He wondered how long she’d felt this way. If the feeling just rolled off her tongue like that, it had to have been sitting in the pit of her stomach for a while.

“Lonely?” Was all he could say.

She just nodded, tears now unashamedly rolling down her face.

Harry was now replaying all the conversations that he’d had in the past few weeks where she seemed to jokingly suggest that she was fundamentally in likable, or that she was too rough around the edges for friends to want her around, or that she hated people so much that she hardly left the apartment anymore. How could he have been so blind? He knew her well enough to know that when she made self-deprecating jokes like this, it was usually because she believed them to be, at least partly, true.

“W-why?” He cleared his throat, hoping to sound more like an adult. “What’s made you feel so alone?”

She shrugged, finally pulling her hands away from her face and shifting nervously on top of the duvet. “Just don’t have any friends anymore, Harry.”

“What do you mean? You’ve got plenty of friends!”

“Name one.”

Harry wracked his brain. “Well there’s Je- okay, fine? What about Sa-“ he was stumped. Every name that came to his mind was a friend of his that had, by extension, gotten to know her through their relationship.

She could see the wheels turning in his head. “Exactly.” She huffed.

“Well, what about people at work? That nice lady, Melanie? You seem to get on really well. And, besides, you can share my friends!”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I don’t know people. But those superficial relationships only make me feel worse. They just remind me of the connections that I’ve lost. I don’t- Harry, I don’t wanna have perfectly mundane conversations about the weather, or what I did over the weekend. That’s not what I mean. I just- I miss the kind of connection where you could text someone your random and extremely niche take on a specific topic that only you care about. Or call someone cuz you’re bored and want company. Or make spur of the moment plans. Or vent to without worrying if they’re secretly judging you for talking too much. You know? The kinds of things that you can just build overnight.”

“Intimacy.” He said simply.

“Yeah…”

Harry said nothing. He pulled her into his side, letting her lay her head on his shoulder and blink her tears away as he squeezed her shoulder.

“I’ll be your friend!” He said suddenly breaking the heavy silence.

She laughed, the chuckled disrupting her sobs. “Thanks, but, I think I like what we are.”

“No, I mean, like, sometimes you date someone but you can’t really talk to them about stuff. You know? I’m saying you can talk to me.”

“I just- I don’t know why it’s so hard for me.”

“Baby, it’s not your fau-“

“Don’t! Don’t say it, okay?”

“But you know it’s true.”

“It makes me feel like a bad person to just say that they’re dumb for not wanting to stay friends. Somehow I’m the perfect Angel and everyone else is wrong for leaving me.”

Harry said nothing for a moment. He could tell she firmly believed that and convincing her wasn’t going to be simple. Plus, he didn’t want to interrupt her as she finally let things off her chest. After he was sure she was done speaking, he started again.

“I’m not saying you’re perfect. Nobody is. We all have our flaws. But people who really care about you wouldn’t give up on you when things get difficult. Friendships only work if both people are invested.”

“What if- What if I’m just not good at this? What if people leave me because I’m not a good friend?”

“Bullshit.”

“Harry! I’m serious.”

“So am I! You care, and you’re so kind. And you’re fun and gracious and-“

“Then why am I so alone??”

Harry kissed the side of her head gently.

“I get what you mean.”

“No you don’t. You’re surrounded by people who love you all day everyday.”

“Yeah, but that hasn’t always been the case. I felt really lost and alone for years before all this happened. You know? After the band and all?”

“Hmm”

“It was hard.”

She just nodded silently listening to, taking his words in, letting the sound of his voice comfort her.

“Just can’t change who you are to make people want to stick around. You’ll lose sight of what matters to you. Even though it hurts to let people go.”

“It does.”

“I know baby.” He nuzzled his nose into her neck. “But you’ll meet the right friends eventually. Ones who won’t take advantage, won’t be threatened by your light and love.”

“I hope I do. This is exhausting.”

“Let me help. Hmm?”

She finally turned to face him, locking her lips into his, causing him to hum into her mouth.

“You always do, Harry. Everyday.”

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

[clericofkelemvor]

having some thoughts abt trans rep in bg3... the option to be trans/nb as the pc was obviously not tacked on as an afterthought (as limited as the cc may be, the they/them pronouns in voiced lines took time, effort and money to record, and figuring out how to make the genital meshes fit the different body types probably took time too, esp considering so much customization seems attached to body type, but thats a whole other thing), and i really like that i get to make trans characters!! of course i do. but ive played through the whole game once and ive met... two other trans characters (one of which i only know is trans because ive read she is). both in act 3, too, so it takes a long while before you see them. and i just... idk. yes theres plenty of gay/bi/etc characters, from your companions to important npcs to background ones, and that was so nice and refreshing and i enjoyed it so much. but playing as a trans pc i still felt like it was an incredibly lonely experience in-universe. and for players looking for that, it sucks having to go through two thirds of the game being the only one.

ofc i might have just missed stuff, im not always the most attentive or observing player, but it still made me sad for my character and tiredly resigned as a player. yes being able to be explicitly, mechanically trans is incredible in itself and the fact that it's possible at all is so encouraging! but god. i dont want to be almost the only one in the world. and when so much thought seems to have gone into other queer rep, why do so little with gender?

[webslingingslasher]

OKAY SO HES STILL NOT PETER FROM THE BIBLE BUTTTT XJDJD

last time i updated you was at the party, I think. HE INVITED ME TO A PARTY after walking me home (a longer route) AND THE BOTTLE AND STUFF BHT DIDNT SAY A WORD TO ME. He didn’t flirt at ALL, barely even spoke to me. he said hi and that was it. literally. i was SO UPSET

but turns out i have mutual friends with two of his housemates and i was PISSED so i spent all my time talking to them and didn’t let myself be alone for even a second (bc i didn’t wanna seem boring idk i was doing the most in my tipsy petty moment) and we actually bonded over a lot. ANYWAYS.

SO you know how me and hat hoodie met bc we would study for our summer exams from opening till closing? WE FINALLY FINISHED OUR EXAMS and campus was SO FUN. literally everyone was at patties etc and guess what. still. NO FLIRTING. i was sad but accepted it bc he’s very hot and things don’t usually go my way 😭

anyways so fast forward like another week and we’re at this field on campus. im gonna send you a pic privately but it’s this HUGE field. i just googled a lacrosse field and it looks similar? like it’s HUGE. a HUGEEE piece of land that looks onto our campus (it’s so pretty) and it opens up during summer and people basically camp out 24/7 once classes end. it’s rhe BESTTT vibe durint the summer like there are 837383 speakers and there’s a diff game going on in every corner of the field. and different music from each speaker but it’s somehow never overwhelming. like one corner will be playing football and the next will be playing netball and everyone always brings ice cream and stuff and you just move around to different spots all day. there’s no “friendship” groups, like everyone just mixes. it’s so fun.

anyways i went to the rap corner bc i wanted their ice lollies (my friend said they had the strawberry ones) and I didn’t see HE WAS THERE but he was and he handed me the ice lolly and our hands touched and girlll there was a SIZZLE. but I was still mad so I acted nonchalant but he started talking and i was fed up like I don’t wanna go in circles of him flirting with me then giving me absolutely nothing for a week, and then talking to me again? but I was tipsy and the ice lolly (i just realised u guys say popsicle) (omg my adhd is really showing in this ask sorry im usually more contained) anyways the ice lolly was nice and I was buzzed so my anger fizzled and we started talking. he never gave me an excuse or a reason but I was drunk so I didn’t really care. but we like cleared the air kinda

all of my friends went home a few days later but I wanted to stay until our lease ended bc i don’t like going home and if im paying rent for the whole year (until mid august) i wanna use it yk? but all of my friends are gone and campus is kinda lonely (apart from the field) without them so his friend group/housemates kinda adopted me and I hung out with them EVERY DAY. their fifth housemate went home for the summer and I stayed in his room one night (clean sheets and his room has a lock so I felt chill) (off campus houses in the uk usually don’t have locks unless u add them in) omg j i almost died knowing he was next door.

i got up to pee at 2am & at the same time he got up to get water and I swear TIL THE DAY I DIE ill believe he just heard me get up and made up an excuse but anyway. we were talking and it was so LATE AND HE LIDNDJSKSKKSSKS I WENT TO THE KITCHEN TO SEE HIM after I peed bc he looked good (shirtless and boxers) AHDBDSNS AND WE WERE TAKKINF DOR A LITTLE BIT AND ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER AND HE KISSED ME

and this was only my 3rd kiss so I was kinda shy BUT AHDHDHDSBSJS I WAS DYINGGGGG but it started getting deeper and i thought he wanted it to lead to sex and I didn’t so i pulled away and he didn’t complain or really say anything ab it and apparently it took me too long to open my eyes after so he’s been making fun of me since then bc apparently I was dazed DNDNS ANYWAYS

HE WAS SMILING SO MUCH. he ended up going home to see his sister before she goes on some camp thing so there was a break and we didn’t talk during it (kinda weird I was overthinking it sm) but he came back and we’ve been kissing & I’m still hanging out with the house (who are like my main friend group at this point) and it hasn’t led to anywhere else (we haven’t had sex) (we won’t be having sex) and IDK what he wants, if it’s just a summer thing or not. i don’t think he has feelings for me and I don’t think he’s catching them but I do think he likes me as a friend bc he rlly likes my company and is always laughing but I think he mainly just likes making out with me which im not complaining but yeah. maybe it’s just fwb for him but I am CRUSHINGGGGGG hard hard

THIS WAS SO LONG IM SORRY I NEED TO TELL U THE CHERRY MOMENT NEXT

-🤍

the way i am gasped, gagged and gaping at this.

the kisses.... the SNEAKING OUT to kiss you... why is this giving secret lover..... i'm so seated.

i cannot wait for this to unfold more. AS FOR WHAT HE WANTS- idk but i'd keep feeling it out for more kissies 😚

[kjhmyg]

not re related but i’ve been having a rough time… this happened almost a year ago but last year in august, it was senior year (i still remember the exact date and time it happened) but two of my best friends cut me off cuz they said i had a lot of problems.. and no joke cried until 3 in the morning. it was so hard seeing them everywhere at school, i literally cried every week bc my heart hurt so bad just from seeing them. even though our friendship lasted 6 months (6 months with one of them, the other 2 years) we talked every day, literally every day, hung out almost every week and had a sleepover every month, so when they cut me off, i felt like a piece of my heart fucking tore in half.

then during the 2nd semester of senior year, i became classmates (not even friends) with the person i knew for 2 years and i admit i was REALLY happy. but a part of me thought she was doing it out of pity, keep in mind i still cried every week because of how bad it hurt. and then on our last day of school, i finally did the thing that hurt me the most and blocked their instas and delete all of our gcs and messages, and all of our photos. 700 photos of them. and i cried for hours on end. it hurt so bad.

and at graduation i saw one of them, and we talked for a bit. but it still hurt so bad. i thought i wouldn’t be so hung up over them but i still am it hurts.. and like the thing is, i thought we’d be a friend group throughout our senior year and maybe even college but it still hurts… and like i want to forget them but i genuinely can’t. :(

ALSO IM SORRY FOR RANTING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST CUZ MY MOM’S NO HELP AT ALL- like my little cousin asked me what happened between them and i started crying and so she got my mom AND MY MOM TOLD ME TO STOP CRYING, SAYING IT HAPPENED A WHILE AGO. i was just like 😀😀

hi my love! first of all, no need to apologise, we all need a good rant once in a while. i'm so sorry this happened to you :( no one deserves to be abandoned like that! did they ever elaborate on what they meant by problems? because unless those problems were affecting them, it's terrible that they just cut you off like that! especially since you knew one of them for 2 years, and spoke with them everyday.

i think it's the fact that you never got closure that's got you hung up over the whole thing. but now that you've blocked them on ig and deleted the gc, it means you're ready to move on! right?

i had a similar situation with a close friend of mine. we stopped talking (my fault, not hers), but i was hung up over it for YEARS. but because i knew i was in the wrong and i missed her. i did apologise but things didn't go back to the way it was - which is fine, because again, it was my fault.

we were still in each other's close friends list on ig and because i was seeing her every day on ig, it made it difficult for me to move on. like i kept wishing she would reply to my stories or wish me happy birthday. which never happened. so...i muted her. and the less i saw of her, the busier i got with other stuff like work etc, the easier it was to forget! to move on!

out of sight, out of mind.

so if you're ready to let the past go and move on, then im telling you from first hand experience that it will get better! let yourself feel what you feel, grieve your friendship (release all of what could've been), but know that you will feel better one day!

(but if you still want closure, it's a whole different thing so lmk. i got closure in my own way.)

anyway, you're allowed to feel sad about it doesn't matter what people think.

because i do get it, wanting to have a friend group to go through an important part of your life with. with people you have many memories with. unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky :( (me included, i never had that!).

but you'll have more chances in the future! (but also, it's okay even if you don't have that!) (it's okay to be alone) (but i dont want you to feel lonely) (life is complicated).

disclaimer that i'm not a licensed to give advice just a deeply flawed person that cares about you, and i hope that you can find your smile again one day <3

[aveys6]

spent a whole two days avoiding spoilers just for my dad to cancel our ted lasso watch party. i miss him dearly, but i can't keep ted lasso away too long

episode 8 was... weird

a good weird i think

i dont know

more human than heartwarming

but heartwarming all the same

felt like a beard after hours type film.

anyway here were my highs and my not-quite-low-but-not-great-either middles.

in no particular order of scenes:

highs!

- nate and jade. god i love them. so beautiful and kind. about time nate got the loving he deserves.

hes also hot as hell yummm

- love hounds LMFAO

its very sweet that disco and the other quirky man didnt make fun of the man-meeting. sad that nate misses so much of what he used to have

- locker room boys holding each other accountable

- colin really overcompensating his supposed straightness :(

- isaac and colin scene. quick. catches you off guard. disorienting for viewers and characters. real sad

- gay mug

- win streak

- beard being emotional with henry

- hey jude sing-along

- everyone was so soft-spoken this episode. and insightful. a really different style of writing

- barbara apparently being a party animal

- westham support

- beard and mae's little comradery

- jamie apology + hug

- im just glad jack's gone i could not stand their relationship. she's added to the list of characters i did not believe were necessary to the plot

feel free to discuss with me! i am never opposed to differing opinions

middles.

- trent's diamond dogs induction was too short. the scene felt rushed and lonely. everyone was so soft-spoken. especially roy. idk.

- roy is still so insecure, asking who the video was for. we saw the beginnings of that in season 1, what with him praising keeley on breaking up with jamie when his opinion was unnecessary. their breakup was mostly based on him not feeling good enough for keeley. idk. its just sad

- rebecca's scenes being too quick, all used to support characters in need. sure, we got a lot of vulnerability in episode 6, but the 180 from that to barely anything... not feeling it

- ted wanting to hire a private investigator? i know he's hung up on michelle and dr jacob but, man, what an uncharacteristic action

also discuss with me if you so please. i can explain myself

- interesting filming techniques. not as snappy and impersonal.

* i think my main grievance is the divergence from routine ted lasso style film. happy go lucky, dramatized character voices, + more to low voices, wisdom, close-ups. its a little too human for me. a little too raw. i tend to dislike episodes similar to this one, like no weddings and a funeral, though that was more tolerable (? hell of a word, it was more than tolerable but whatever)

i think right now i need an escape rather than reflection. so its really a me-thing rather than a poor-writing thing. or maybe its both.

[ambalambs]

Don't think I didn't see your tags about Miko's Azem. I need to know all about them! Do you have a name for them? What kind of personality do they have? How do they get along with Hades, Hythlodaeus, Venat, Hermes, Themis, et al. How would they get along with Miko and how are they similar and how are they different?

Oh geeze the cats out of the bag, I do have an azem concept for Miko xD his name is Dionysus! Or Dio for short to his friends. I see him being a pretty energetic guy who strives to live for excitement and fun and just loves being around people. You'd just rarely find him alone or not busy with something.

Im gonna put the rest under a break just in case I get carried away here lol

So basically he's a super cheery and approachable guy but he is definitely someone you wouldn't want to get on his bad side. He has a habit of coming up with unorthodox ideas and if someone decides to hurt him or someone he cares about he will take joy in making them suffer lol but he's usually a sweetheart otherwise! But yeah just he's got of a bit of a deranged quirk to him like I mentioned about the butterfly concepts in those tags you clearly saw xD but most of the time it's harmless ideas. For example he'd probably ask if he could give a caterpillar concept two heads, and when asked why he'd even want to do that he'd reply with something like "so it wouldn't feel lonely 🥺". And just in general I kinda see him being a little creature at times like there's no doubt Hades has had to pluck a few leaves or twigs out of his hair before they go into a meeting. Boy is a free spirit lol

As for relationships he is closest to hythlodaeus. I feel like during the whole final days stuff when he learns of hyth's sacrifice it was most likely the final straw to break him. Just based on canon tho he'd of course also be friends with Hades. He'd take immeasurable joy in pestering him lol but he'd know the limit and only push his buttons on a good day. Themis would be like a little brother to him and possibly an awful influence in most of the other convocation member's eyes lol as for Venat he would've definitely looked up to her as a mentor and since she was a kindred spirit when it came to relations with the people and exploring he felt extremely comfortable with her. He'd always talk her ear off about his wild ideas or things he'd see/experience on his travels. Im not sure if he'd have ever had a deeper relationship with hermes tho beyond just "this is a guy I work with and he seems sad so im gonna chat him up when I see him, maybe show him a cool bird concept ive been cooking up. He seems to like birds." Lol

I do have this idea, or theory I guess, that venat told azem about the whole future stuff with hydaelyn and zodiark and the final days at some point. And this would've been devastating for him to learn and hard to accept and why he left the convocation and everything behind. He'd have been angry having to sit aside and let fate play out as it must so I think that really strained his relationship with Venat and of course Hades. I could go on deeper about all that probably but idk how atm lol but it does play into how I feel like he'd feel about miko.

Like if they were to meet i feel like there would be a deep sadness and resentment for miko. Dio would just take one look at him and wonder "why you?". But there'd also be respect. That something so small, just a piece of himself, could continue on and accomplish all that miko has. And to witness all the love and compassion and hope and courage in this little shard would eventually sway him and Dio would come to love miko, not as a piece of himself but as his own person. Ngl I'd love an azem vs wol battle to test their worth or something xD I feel like thatd be fun. But yeah I mean there are small similarities between them if one knew where to look. They both have that joyous nature and are good with people. Their ability with song. Dio is just more unhinged than Miko is in like Miko doesn't take joy in fighting or hurting others even if they've wronged him and he's more chill than Dio is in general I think lol if that all makes sense.

Also im gonna be bold and share a basic concept doodle I did of him just cuz I needed to get an idea out of what he'd even kinda look like. So this is all subject to change but I do see him at least having long hair with this color and silver eyes.

[chaerybombs]

sickly - dahyun x j - line

"even since before their rest, twice had been planning something fun to do, no cameras involved. a fun day out where they don't have to pretend or conceal anything, and just relax."

word count ─ 1.3k

tags ─ little!dahyun, cg!j-line, sickfic (sorta?)

notes ─ first rq done! i hope u like this, im not a big fan of how it came out personally :( also, im very glad u enjoyed my last work!!

( carrd )

even since before their rest, twice had been planning something fun to do, no cameras involved. a fun day out where they don't have to pretend or conceal anything, and just relax. their idea was to go on a picnic, all of them bringing seperate things for them to share. the whole group was very exctied for the event, discussing what they'd bring weeks in advance.

initially, dahyun was very excited. but once the day was coming up, she was feeling a bit off, she assumed she was coming down with something. the others were very disappointed chances are she couldn't attend, but they understood.

the night before their day out, momo came into the school meal club's dorm room to see dahyun sitting in her bed on her phone, keeping a box of tissues handy next to her. "still feeling sick, huh?" she asked the younger. eliciting a nod. "i'm so sad you can't go with us, i know you were really excited." she said with a small frown. "it's fine, really, you guys will have a great time even without me." dahyun reassures. momo nodded before walking off to the doorway. "goodnight dubu, sleep well." she said, making her way to her own room. 

the next morning, dahyun felt somehow worse. her stomach was churning, her throat was burning, her nostrils were almost completely blocked, and she felt an oncoming headache. she groaned, when would this sickness subside? she had felt like she'd been suffering for weeks, when it's only been a few days. as she laid there, contemplating on whether or not she wanted to get up for breakfast. meanwhile, tzuyu had gotten up and over to her bed to check up on her. 

dahyun flinched, startled by the other. "you feeling alright?" tzuyu asked, worry in her eyes. "i feel horrible." dahyun complained, screwing her eyes shut. "aw, that's so lame, i really wanted you to be able to go." the youngest of the group whined, pouting. "tzu you know what'd be really nice?" the other cocked her head to the side in response. "if you went and made breakfast for me!" she said, putting her hands together and making puppy dog eyes.

however, tzuyu wasn't so easily fooled. "i know well you can do it yourself. if jihyo was able to go around and do all her chores in the dorm while sick you can go make yourself some eggs or something." she said, crossing her arms. "but jihyo's different." dahyun said, pouting even more dramatically. tzuyu rolled her eyes and walked out. dahyun was sure she had no intention of getting her breakfast, and she flopped backwards groaning as loud as her sore throat would let her. 

soon, though, tzuyu came back with scrambled eggs on a plate. "you are lucky i'm in a good mood, dahyun." she said, smirking slightly. "thanks, tzu, i owe you." dahyun smiled, picking up her fork. tzuyu nods and walks out and into the kitchen where the other members reside.

eventually, noon comes and the others are getting ready to leave for their picnic. dahyun was still upset she wasn't able to show up, insisting she was fine enough to go, but sana wouldn't let a peep come out of her the moment they checked her high temperature. "you're staying back and that's final missy." sana said, wagging her finger at the younger. at one point, mina offered to stay back at the chance dahyun gets lonely or even regresses, she'd feel horrible if she were all sick and little, but dahyun declined her offer. "i don't wanna be the reason you miss out, i'll be fine." she assures, not fully sure if she trusted what she was saying. she regressed frequently and couldn't resist the urge very well, so chances are they'd come home to a little.

nobody was quite convinced, but there was no arguing with her, she didn't wanna make anyone say. once they were all ready, she shooed the group out of the door, wishing them a fun time. the moment they were out, she plopped on the couch, letting out a loud, dramatic cough as she did so. the idea of regressing sounded absolutely heavenly in her mind, but she had JUST promised the others she would be fine and didn't need to.. but technically it's not like it was guarenteed she'd regress SUPER little, maybe just kidspace, around 5-7,  a space she didn't go into often. she was typically in babyspace or toddlerspace, loving to be babied. the moment she put on one of her favorite cartoons and sat cross legged in front of the tv, she betrayed her promise to herself and slipped right down to around 3. 

lucky for her and the other members, she wasn't the mischevious type, preferring to keep it on the chill side and color and nap most days. at that point, all she wanted to do was sleep, feeling her eyelids droop. after an episode of her show, she turned off the tv, waddled to her bedroom, and crawled under the blankets. the warmth of the fluffy blanket gifted to her by jeongyeon consumed her, lulling her to sleep quickly.

after about an hour, the twice members were all done chatting and eating the snacks they brought, and five of said members wanted go go shopping, and then the other three, those being the j-line, wanted to go back to the dorm to check up on their dubu. the others understood and on their way to the mall dropped the three off before going off on their shopping spree. 

dahyun stirred awake, hearing the sound of keys jingling and familiar voices rambling on. she rubbed her tired eyes with her clenched fists before getting up. she felt a bit better, headache nowhere to be seen. 

she sat in confusion on who just interuptted her very important dream, tearing up a bit but automatically feeling better when she saw her beloved sana peeking in. she reached out, smiling ear to ear, waiting to be embraced by her caregiver. sana gladly gave her the hug, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "how are you feeling, dubu?" sana asked, tilting her head in question. "oo.. kay!" dragging out the "o" sound. momo suddenly appeared from sana's side, startling dahyun. "omo!" she yelped. "have you eaten since breakfast? i bet you're hungry, babes." momo said, lightly pinching the cheek dahyun just got her kiss from sana on. the little shook her head, not having much of an appetite. "ti'ed." dahyun said, flopping backwards. mina was the next and last to scare the daylights out of the poor thing, popping up from thin air. "you sure?" dahyun screamed again before pouting, tired of the others' playing around. she nodded before wiggling around, wanting the empty space around her to be occupied by the others. momo crawled into the bed, positioning dahyun where her back would be to her chest, sitting between momo's legs.

dahyun felt arms tightly wrapped around her waist, giggling happily. sana and mina took the places at her sides, looking at her happily. "do you want any more medicine baby?" mina asked, pushing her own loose hairs behind her ear. dahyun shook her head once more, she just wanted to sleep right then and there, nothing more. as she was deep in thought about whatever it was running through the littles head, sana popped her pink pacifier in her mouth, eliciting a hum of satisfaction from the little. from behind the pacifier, dahyun mumbled, "s'ory?" she always loved getting read to before napping, no matter how many times shes heard it. "of course, angel." momo cooed before reaching over to the nightstand to pick up a book they'd been reading a few days earlier. as she read, dahyun felt her eyelids become heavier and heavier, snuggling impossibly closer to the girl behind her. "sweet dreams, baby." sana smiled, pressing a kiss onto the tip of dahyun's nose.

after their shopping spree, twice finally made it back to the dorms, first instinct being to see how dahyun was feeling, making their way to the bedroom. as they peeked their heads in one by one, they all felt their hearts melt seeing the four girls piled on the bed asleep. lots of photos were taken, photos that'd be used against them later, for sure.

[bellysoupset]

SOUP!!!!!!!

HI HI HI HI I CANT EXPLAIN HOW HAPPY I AM THAT YOURE BACK!!! oh my goodness i was literally typing this when i saw that you asked where i’ve been💀 i’ve been reading fics as you post them (i don’t have notifs on but i check your blog for updates on a regular basis LMAO) but life shtuff has only now died down enough for me to actually write/comment on things!! gosh i’m so excited you’re back!! in the LEAST pressure-y way, it’s almost embarrassing how slowly days went by as i was waiting for you to start posting again LOL like at one point i was telling myself “okay she said 20 days, it’s probably been at least a week”. it had been literally 3 days 💀 HAHAHAHWH

ANYWAYS

AHHHHHH MY BABIES MY BABIES!!!!! i don’t remember what the last thing i talked about on here was but WOW these last fics have made me cry and laugh and blush sooo many different times!! wen finding out was CRAZY and i literally sobbed w her bc the way everything played out was so unfortunate but also so realistic and raw and i had so many mixed feelings about everything!!!! and then wen isolating and bella checking on her!! and wen trying to push her away and then admitting that she felt so lonely GOD THAT WAS DEVASTATING but then bella being so supportive and comforting AGHHHH my girlsss <3333

and then omg the fic after that one??? i was SO surprised that wen forgave vin? and that they’re trying long distance??? i’m so fucking excited and happy abt that but god i’m sure it’ll be hard 😭 but YAY I KNEW THEY LOVED EACH OTHER TOO MUCH TO GIVE UP LIKE THAT ♥️

side note, luke being so depressed and struggling so much to adapt to his meds is so sad but so realistic too :,) i’m glad you’re making this a part of the plot!! but my man is def off his meds already lol im interested to see where this goes!! and also i LOVE how well jon and leo are doing <3 despite everything going on, they’re in their happy era fr <3

and now i’m sorry but the sick vin fic?????????? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEEDED AND MORE‼️ first off, leo talking to him and being so real but also like calling him out like that??? while still being super supportive??? and the way he described wen was so accurate and so him-coded??? and then AHHHHH i’ve ALWAYS loved vin and bell’s friendship, i’ve genuinely always thought it was super adorable and i wanted more of them, so this fic was gold 🤭 a trope that ALWAYS gets me is when someone is ANGRY at someone they love and ofc being bitchy and sassy until they realise said someone is very much Unwell (it’s especially good if they’re so sick that they’re really out of it), and when they realise how sick they are they IMMEDIATELY switch from mad to concerned + caretaker mode!!!! so yeah you can imagine this whole fic had me on my knees 🤭 obsessed w how protective of luke bell is, and how protective of vin wen is, but also how both girls just jumped straight into action when he was clearly not feeling good <333 and then vin realising wen was using her dr. voice, and then the pure ANGST at the end when he sobs and they just hug and the “god i’m gonna fucking miss you” SOB SOB SOB SOB 😭😭😭🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

bell sick and luke taking care of her was also AMAZINGGGG🫶🏽 i always love when my girls get whumped <3333 omg and AHHHH luke and vin finally talking abt shtuff🥹 the “nothing to forgive” 😭 luke knowing he’ll get sick AND holding him closer??? GOSH THE BROTP MAN !!!!!

and oh my goodness i just read the most recent fic with the new OC!!!! this is so exciting and cool and i love his vibes ahhhh <3 i love how nonchalant max seems abt shtuff and im so so excited to see where things go!! i hope vin and him become friends but also i feel like there’s gonna be some tension and weird banter going on between them at least at first hehehe

ANYWAYS

your writing is fucking incredible and whenever i see a new post from your blog it genuinely lights up my day <3 i am completely in love with all your characters and the depth and intricacies behind each of them ♥️ i’m so thankful your blog exists🫶🏽 also, i saw you were really struggling for a while and i just wanted to check in and see if you were doing better? you’re so loved and talented and appreciated and you deserve all the peace and love and happiness in the world!!! i hope things are going well/better!

i can’t wait to read more of what you write! i’m super excited about this new character and about reading more stories abt your lovely OCs <3

YOU’RE AMAZING THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND KEEP SLAYING!!!

🦦

Soup found DEAD from love cardiac arrest outside of Miami beach.

🦦!!!!! Honestly I don't even wanna post your comments, I just wanna stare at them for hours 🙈🙈

Don't worry about catching up on fics, they'll be here when life slows down!! I know very well how sad it is that we must Adult ™.

I am SO HAPPY you liked the Wendy/Vince developments!! In my head you're like THE Wendy/Vin supporter, so every time I write something with them I'm like "uhmmm wonder what 🦦 is gonna think??"

Caretaker who's pissed and then switches to comfort is also one of my favorite tropes, I looooove the spiciness of guilt thrown in!

Take care babe 💛💛