#and then i started ranting about other anxiety and how i'm the therapist friend of a lot of people

[crystalkitty1220]

mustard.

What am I Iooking at here

[perfidious-prophet]

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

[kirkwall]

work rant idk where else to put

it's been like two weeks since a coworker called me and some others out for "being quieter than everyone else/not speaking unless spoken to" in a call with the whole team and i honestly haven't recovered at all lol. social interactions have always been a struggle for me and video call ones are even harder but i really thought ever since therapy i was really doing better both irl and at work which made me feel so much better about myself and made my anxiety almost a non-issue. but this one stupid fucking comment eroded months of improvement and idk what to do about it. it completely shattered my idea of how well i was doing and has had me stuck in the same shitty mental place i was at when i started therapy. i wish i could just tell them i'm autistic and that's why i struggle but a) i don't have an official diagnosis, just an unofficial one by my psychiatrist/therapist b) i don't wanna pursue an official one bc i will end up with more hurdles than help and c) i honestly don't want them to know that about me

idek where to go with this i just need to put it somewhere. i told some friends about the initial comment and it helped a lil to vent but honestly the long term impact on my mental health has been so horrid and honestly ridiculous that i don't know how to talk about it without sounding silly. like. we were at a 5 day work trip last week with almost everyone at the company and i felt so terrible and like i don't belong that i almost started crying when i saw my dad's car model drive past us just bc i wanted to be home so badly. how does that not sound like i'm a child

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hi! I hope you're having a good day. I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I got distracted by the booping thing and now I'm here.

If you have the time, I'd like to request a romantic matchup with a Tokyo Revengers character. I'm nonbinary - they/them pronouns - and pansexual (I apologize if this creates too big of a pool for characters). I can't say that I have a type either. Whether it be someone who's soft and kind or confident and strong headed, I'm weak for them. What can I say, I love a little bit of everyone. I'm an INFP-T who is often drowning in overdue homework only to pull a few all-nighters back to back to catch up, and cry even though I put myself in that position (my sleep schedule is in shambles). My parents are protective of me because I'm the youngest of the children by a decade and not very strong. I'm an even 5'. Paired with shitty eyesight and small frame, I'm not menacing at all. It also doesn't help that I greet everyone with a smile, even when faced with snarky comments or someone I'm greatly upset with. Of course, this doesn't mean I won't get angry later and rant for a good hour or so through tears. For some reason, no matter how calm I am on the inside, I start crying when crying to express myself in serious situations. (if anyone has an idea on how to stop this, please help)

Since I'm nonbinary, I try to lean into a more androgynous look, but my mom still tries to instill a sense of "womanhood" in me (which gives me anxiety and a lot of body dysphoria). It makes me lean away from more feminine colors in clothing, which sucks because I'm a stickler for a cute pastel shirt. That being said, I try not to let that get to me by wearing whatever I want because I also strongly believe that colors and clothes don't relate to gender. I usually wear baggier tops at least because I can't buy a binder yet.

I like listening to people talk about themselves or anything that interests them, as long as they don't mind me rambling about something also. My mom has told me I'd make a really good therapist because I always help her break down her problems and get a different view on things. My sister vents to me frequently because she feels I offer a place of no judgement and she can speak freely.

A lot of my personal joy comes from seeing others happy. In a friend group, I'm often the one trying to include everyone and make people laugh, even if I'm anxious myself. Even though I can get swept up in my emotions, I always stop and think about things in a logical view (which sometimes leads to me taking action before realizing I should've thought it through). I definitely wouldn't do well in the TKR universe in terms of fighting, but I'd probably figure out some way to be helpful because I hate feeling like I'm not contributing anything. I also like to think I have a pretty good pain tolerance, so maybe I could buy time or something.

I've been told I'm very extroverted and outgoing, but I actually have a low social battery and often find myself overwhelmed in social outings with lots of people or loud noises. I almost started crying in downtown Seattle and New York City when I was on vacation (even though I was having fun). This can lead me to shutting down at times and going relatively non-verbal. Overall, I'd describe my personality as laid-back, open-minded, and not confrontational. I try to push my way through my insecurities and short-comings, but things hardly work out the way I want them to.

I like video games and sleeping in, but I'll push my own hobbies aside for people I enjoy hanging out with. I'm not too picky about food, as long as it isn't spicy (i'm a bit of a wimp). I also really enjoy sweets - cakes, pastries, cookies, candies, chocolates. I love them all. I often end up not eating because I either get distracted or I simply don't feel like it. Technically, I'm allergic to dairy and tomatoes and I can get really nauseous or itchy, but my favorite foods often have those ingredients so I act like I'm immune.

Anyways, I apologize for the long description. I hope I followed all your rules and gave you everything you need. Please take your time, I am in no rush and I know life is always busy. I hope you have a good day!

Hello. The wait it finally over. Sorry it took so long. Things got crazy. Let's just jump right into it!

You Got...

Souya Kawata!!!!

He is really good with people and very patient. If you got overwhelmed and needed time, he would be there for you anyway he can.

He would make you the best foo. Anything you want, he will make!

He is a good listener. Will listen to you for hours

Would tell you everyday that you are amazing and that he loves for you!

He would protect you. You being safe is the most important thing to him!

He would help you get anything done that you need. He would keep you on track.

He would like that you are laid back. He already has Smiley, so someone in his life who is chill would be nice.

Video game dates. He would play a mean Mario Kart. I think he would pick Yoshi!

I hope you enjoy

[landboundstar]

Trade Secrets Part 13

More adults talking than the kids this time. By the way, I have one character making his third cameo. Let's see if you can spot the reference, but don't worry if you don't. He'll be making more appearances later.

Part 13

"I hate you!"

Down the hall, a door slammed.

I sighed and refilled the cups of tea for both of my guests before refilling my own.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised at her reaction, but I was hoping for her twelfth birthday before we got to the door slamming stage."

Smiling, I patted Bruce's hand, seeing his worried look. "Don't worry. You should be able to go back and talk to Z. Zatanna is mad at me, not you. Just give it a few minutes. I would prefer not to have to change you back if Z loses her temper."

"Okay, I can do that. But she'll need a fresh cup of tea so it doesn't go cold."

"I think we can manage that."

"I know she isn't the happiest about it at the moment, but has Zatanna gotten a chance to see her new school yet?" Alfred asked.

"We are taking a tour of the school next week."

Bruce stopped stirring his tea and looked up. "Does - does that mean you'll be visiting less?"

I looked up, a little confused, especially hearing the anxiety in Bruce's voice. "I don't see why it would. Honestly, with less traveling and being able to perform in the same place for a while, I think we might be able to visit more. But, yes, I'll still bring Zatanna to visit. And you are certainly welcome to visit here."

"Here?"

I started laughing. "Of course, here. The resort I am performing at is about half an hour away, maybe less to drive. We aren't moving, Bruce. I just thought Zatanna would like to actually be in class at a regular school so she could make friends. You are welcome to visit. So are Rachel, Harvey, and Selina for that matter."

"I'm sure Rachel will appreciate that when she comes back from visiting her cousins." Alfred told me.

"I'm glad," I told him. Grabbing a sandwich and a handful of cookies to put on a plate, before pouring another cup of tea. "Bruce, as the person here Zatanna is the most likely to open her door to talk to, would you like to take her a snack? Don't worry, I will change you back from being a chinchilla if she is still angry."

Bruce nodded as I handed him the plate, and headed down the hall to Zatanna's room.

"Ave Caesar," Alfred muttered dryly as he heard Zatanna's door open.

"I would have thought that Zaranna might want to spend more time with kids her own age. I didn't think she would be quite that angry."

"There have been a lot of changes this past year or so." Alfred reminded me.

"True. I still wish that Harvey and Selina could have come on this visit too."

"So do I. But, Zatanna isn't the only one upset about a new school. Selina will be starting a new school this year too. Her mother is following through on sending her to a finishing school. I believe what happened with Thomas and Martha scared her into wanting Selina to be away from Gotham for a while."

I thought about Zatanna's headstrong friend. "I take it she is taking it with her normal grace and demeanor."

Alfred chuckled. "That is an understatement. She is even more unhappy than Zatanna."

"Does Bruce know?"

"She spent two hours crying and ranting at him when she got the news."

"How is he taking it?"

"He is handling it well. He isn't happy, and has been a little quieter than usual, but the trips every other week to see the therapist Leslie suggested has helped. Matthew and Leslie actually stopped by to visit and to brought him some wooden puzzle games and some books that had been Thomas' favorites when he was around Bruce's age. He appreciated that. And the young detective will talk to him sometimes."

"He was the one that was at the funeral, right?"

"Yes. He'll be leaving next month to go to Chicago. I believe he was selected to go through a law enforcement course that the FBI offers to more local law enforcement agencies. Much to the relief of Barbara Keane's parents, I am sure."

"I take it that they are not fans." I said dryly.

"He does like disrupting some of Gotham's status quo. Which is very likely why he was selected to attend a training that will have him in Chicago for more than a year. Still, I have a hard time finding him too objectionable. He is endearingly earnest. I actually believe he thinks he should be protecting and serving Gotham."

"I can see why he doesn't have many fans then." I said dryly.

"Is Harvey going to a different school then too?"

"No, he and Bruce will still be in the same class. Mr. Dent objected to his son coming out on this visit." Alfred told me.

"Will you object if Zatanna and I come out for a visit before school starts?"

"Not at all. But it will have to be in the next three weeks if you want to see Selina before she leaves for school."

I listened as a giggle came from down the hall and the murmur of voices continued. And I made my decision.

"We'll be there."

[pineappleciders]

hii could I request a omori matchup? I'm pan so any gender is fine

personality - intp, I'm very introverted in public, i don't like starting conversations (unless i really have to) and i struggle with anxiety so often i overthink my interactions. Get to know me and I'm extroverted, airheaded and clumsy, eccentric, and pretty corny. I enjoy making jokes (dad jokes r my fav) or oddly sexual ones bc i can be a big flirt. I'm a therapist friend, always listening and giving advice. I'm a very blunt person, like if you need the truth, it's coming to you. I'm childish- but also a motherlike/responsible person when I need to be! i'm forgetful though, so don't ever ask me to remember something for ya. I'm not organized nor do I ever do my work on time, I wait until the last minute to do anything! I have moodswings and some unhealthy mental thoughts, so sometimes i can't control my emotions and isolate myself from others. I just need alone time for awhile and then I'm okay, but I try not to completely let it bother me (ah yes, I'm the type to bottle up emotions.).

physical des - I'm around 5'3, I have black/brownish hair? it's a mix shoulder length hair(Reaches alittle past my shoulder) it's always straightened even though it's naturally curly! I have a mole under my left eye, if you look hard enough lol and I have a septum piercing! I'm kind of curvy too so theres that :P

fun facts!

ironic but my nickname is mari ( my friends call me that) and I actually play the piano , i'm able to play final duet <3

I love dressing in alternative/gothic fashion. I love any emo/goth style such as scene emo or mall goth the most

I love kel and aubrey- out of the group. Spaceboyfriend or Pluto were my favorites from the game

I have a low social battery, specially when I'm in school or public places ( I love talking so much I rant for hours on end about anime) so it's weird to others how quick my talktiveness changes

tysm take ur time and make sure to take care!!

A/N: THIS FONT IS VERY SMALL AND I AM BLIND SO IM SORRY IF I MISREAD ANYTHING!!

I MATCH YOU WITH...

SUNNY!!!!

first few meetings, it's kind of difficult for you two to talk to each other

neither of you like starting a conversation or speaking much, so when you talk it's really only in response to someone or one of you blurts something out and it starts convo

SUNNY has an attraction to you. i mean like he just feels drawn to you, and feels safe like he can kind of be himself around you

as you open up to each other, he acts unimpressed sometimes but he really enjoys your silly personality

SUNNY doesn't emote much but he has a great sense of humor. honestly he laughs at your dad jokes (not because they're funny but because they suck)

if you pull any flirty stuff on him, he'd be really lost. he's still kind of stuck in the OMORI mindset, so in his head he thinks he's completely unaffected and deadpanning.

but irl he's sweating and red, and gets super shy

SUNNY is someone who likes to live outside of reality. he doesn't want to face truth, but as he recovers from his past post-good ending, your bluntness could actually help him come back to reality instead of hiding in his mind

you remind him of KEL, to an extent. kinda goofy, clumsy, sometimes air-headed. but he likes that about you. your personalities clash in some way, but they also are very similar.

SUNNY relates to isolation and bottling up emotions until they pop. i think you two would do therapeutic things together, as you both have some things that you want to work out, so why not together? :)

if you do want to be alone though, he understands. he does the same thing too, and you guys respect each others boundaries while still helping the other take a step outside their comfort zone

years into the future, i think it would help SUNNY if you two were to play the final duet together

after all, he does see some of MARI in you, and (assuming you met after the incident) he knows that she would've loved you dearly. it would probably take a lot of healing, but you'll get there together

SUNNY also really likes alternative fashion, but he never really had the money, thought, or time to get into it

so it'll be super cool for him if you lend him some of your clothes or if you two went shopping!! he thinks you both look sick as fuck

he's quick to notice if you're burning out socially, and will get you two out of there asap (he also has a low social battery, but not when it comes to his friends)

he likes hearing you talk about stuff you like. he's a great listener, and he's sure to let you know you aren't annoying him or anything like that. he also has a lot of stuff he wants to rant about, but it'll probably take time for him to open up

[landboundstar-writing]

Trade Secrets Part 13

Repost from main blog and AO3

Reblog please, and tip if you can.

"I hate you!"

Down the hall, a door slammed.

I sighed and refilled the cups of tea for both of my guests before refilling my own.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised at her reaction, but I was hoping for her twelfth birthday before we got to the door slamming stage."

Smiling, I patted Bruce's hand, seeing his worried look. "Don't worry. You should be able to go back and talk to Z. Zatanna is mad at me, not you. Just give it a few minutes. I would prefer not to have to change you back if Z loses her temper."

"Okay, I can do that. But she'll need a fresh cup of tea so it doesn't go cold."

"I think we can manage that."

"I know she isn't the happiest about it at the moment, but has Zatanna gotten a chance to see her new school yet?" Alfred asked.

"We are taking a tour of the school next week."

Bruce stopped stirring his tea and looked up. "Does - does that mean you'll be visiting less?"

I looked up, a little confused, especially hearing the anxiety in Bruce's voice. "I don't see why it would. Honestly, with less traveling and being able to perform in the same place for a while, I think we might be able to visit more. But, yes, I'll still bring Zatanna to visit. And you are certainly welcome to visit here."

"Here?"

I started laughing. "Of course, here. The resort I am performing at is about half an hour away, maybe less to drive. We aren't moving, Bruce. I just thought Zatanna would like to actually be in class at a regular school so she could make friends. You are welcome to visit. So are Rachel, Harvey, and Selina for that matter."

"I'm sure Rachel will appreciate that when she comes back from visiting her cousins." Alfred told me.

"I'm glad," I told him. Grabbing a sandwich and a handful of cookies to put on a plate, before pouring another cup of tea. "Bruce, as the person here Zatanna is the most likely to open her door to talk to, would you like to take her a snack? Don't worry, I will change you back from being a chinchilla if she is still angry."

Bruce nodded as I handed him the plate, and headed down the hall to Zatanna's room.

"Ave Caesar," Alfred muttered dryly as he heard Zatanna's door open.

"I would have thought that Zatanna might want to spend more time with kids her own age. I didn't think she would be quite that angry."

"There have been a lot of changes this past year or so." Alfred reminded me.

"True. I still wish that Harvey and Selina could have come on this visit too."

"So do I. But, Zatanna isn't the only one upset about a new school. Selina will be starting a new school this year too. Her mother is following through on sending her to a finishing school. I believe what happened with Thomas and Martha scared her into wanting Selina to be away from Gotham for a while."

I thought about Zatanna's headstrong friend. "I take it she is taking it with her normal grace and demeanor."

Alfred chuckled. "That is an understatement. She is even more unhappy than Zatanna."

"Does Bruce know?"

"She spent two hours crying and ranting at him when she got the news."

"How is he taking it?"

"He is handling it well. He isn't happy, and has been a little quieter than usual, but the trips every other week to see the therapist Leslie suggested has helped. Matthew and Leslie actually stopped by to visit and to brought him some wooden puzzle games and some books that had been Thomas' favorites when he was around Bruce's age. He appreciated that. And the young detective will talk to him sometimes."

"He was the one that was at the funeral, right?"

"Yes. He'll be leaving next month to go to Chicago. I believe he was selected to go through a law enforcement course that the FBI offers to more local law enforcement agencies. Much to the relief of Barbara Keane's parents, I am sure."

"I take it that they are not fans." I said dryly.

"He does like disrupting some of Gotham's status quo. Which is very likely why he was selected to attend a training that will have him in Chicago for more than a year. Still, I have a hard time finding him too objectionable. He is endearingly earnest. I actually believe he thinks he should be protecting and serving Gotham."

"I can see why he doesn't have many fans then." I said dryly.

"Is Harvey going to a different school then too?"

"No, he and Bruce will still be in the same class. Mr. Dent objected to his son coming out on this visit." Alfred told me.

"Will you object if Zatanna and I come out for a visit before school starts?"

"Not at all. But it will have to be in the next three weeks if you want to see Selina before she leaves for school."

I listened as a giggle came from down the hall and the murmur of voices continued. And I made my decision.

"We'll be there."

[branches-in-a-flood]

In continued "Flood is really not doing so great today" ranting:

I texted ex partner one. I am shaking with poorly regulated anger and frustration and persistent depression and anxiety. So I reached out. I asked if they're free tonight, because I need to have my shit rocked. I need to be hurt so that sitting is nearly impossible for the next several days. Because the other option is I do it myself.

And predictably they have a partner over tonight. It's Friday, so that makes sense. We're also no longer together, so I don't get to make requests of their time like that. I get it. It makes sense.

I'm still incredibly angry and hurt. I'm angry that this person has felt like my replacement since they started dating, well before we had split up. When he started talking about them as a friend and I could already see where it would end up. When he told me they were dating six months after they had started. And now, when they're doing the things he no longer wanted to do with me.

And it fucking hurts. I keep thinking about how things just kept getting stripped away one by one over years. I keep thinking about my therapist asking if his acceptance and complete lack of wanting to talk about it or fix it made me wish he would have fought to keep us together. I keep thinking about my own family's response of "that happens sometimes" when I told them about the breakup; no one asked if I was ok or what happened.

Work was brutal today. I completely lost the ability to be my peppy customer-facing self with two hours left. I was looking forward to coming home, having a few drinks, and passing out. But no, the fucking dog had to get out, destroy $500+ worth of things in the house, and shit all over my bedroom and in my clean laundry.

I need a fucking drink. And drugs. And to probably not be alone while doing that.

[b-chansbbygirl]

I'm gonna rant about the American health system, politics, and mental health so if you don't want to be angry with me please keep scrolling.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety. I was prescribed medication to cope with these mental illnesses and I see a therapist.

I recently had to leave a job due to a VERY toxic work environment. The only thing that was keeping me there was the money and benefits (for example, health insurance). A good friend of mine that still works at that shithole convinced me to leave. She told me that she could see that the place was burning me out and I needed to get out before it got so bad that I couldn't function. I agreed and started looking for a new job.

This weekend will be the one month mark at my new job. They're a small business with less than 50 employees. Because they have less than 50 employees they aren't required by the state to have health insurance. So, what does that mean for me? Well, I'm glad you asked.

I now have to pay out of pocket for everything, or I could completely give up on my mental health. I'm going to have to pay for all of my medications OUT OF POCKET because I don't have insurance. How much are they? Well my birth control isn't too bad; it's $20. But I take two different antidepressants. A 30 day supply for one of them is $50 which I guess is manageable. But the other one? Almost fucking $500. Five hundred fucking American dollars.

Now hear me out, I've been searching high and low for a way to take care of this. But here's the issue: I make too much money to qualify for state benefits and I don't make enough to afford a $421 insurance payment every month. I found a loophole where I qualify for a specific type of coverage but I still have to pay $73 a month for it. That'll cover my psych appointments, therapy, and meds.

So I got the paperwork in the mail for this medical coverage. They want a transcript for every single bill I pay. Like???? Isn't there a way you can look me up somehow and find all of that yourself? Literally every bill I pay for is connected to my SSN. But okay whatever.

I'm just frustrated, guys. I live alone and work a full time job. I feed myself and keep my water running and keep the lights on. I pay for shit for my car, I pay for so fucking much it's like none of it matters.

I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm fucking pissed at the United States of Fucking America, the "land of the free", for not giving us free healthcare. I don't give a shit if I have to pay more in taxes, at least I wouldn't be suffering from my own mind and I could get the help I desperately need. The government has money to give to other countries but enough to put towards our healthcare? Now I get it, those people need the money and supplies because they're fighting wars and people are dying. If I could physically or financially go help them myself i would. But we have so many problems with our own country here in the good ol' US of A. I'm not trying to start an argument so don't even jump into my inbox. I'm just tired, guys. I'm tired of fighting and trying to keep myself going. We shouldn't have to worry about what happens if we get sick or what bills we'll be able to pay. For one of the most powerful and "richest" countries in the world the citizens are pretty fucked when it comes to living here.

So, United States government, here's to you.

[aterriblenogoodverybadblogger]

A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Blogger

Welcome...

If you are reading this you will see that I have no skills when it comes to writing. I only write as it is a stress reliever as it helps me express my feelings of anxiety and pain. Honestly, I don't blame you if you're not interested in this, I don't see why you would be interested as I don't really even have a theme or idea for this blog. This is just me writing what comes to mind, no thought provoking conversations.

If you've gotten this far I am astonished, I don't have any good headers, images or even colours to pull you in. All I can do is to interest you by talking about my boring life. I know that statement is a contradiction, but really maybe I can interest you by talking about how boring my life is. I am a 19 year old who has no idea what I want to do for a career and just in life. I know everyone around my age group doesn't really know but I just feel so far behind. Like I have a decent job with places to move up but the question is I don't know where I'd want to move up too. I kept telling myself I'd work at the bank for a few years while I get my mortgage license and then move to a private brokerage but I haven't even started any sort of education yet. This blog is ultimately for me to spend my free time doing better things for myself and possibly giving me a way to make money even if it's like one dollar I'd be happy. I don't even know if you can monetize a Tumblr blog.

I always end up journaling so I thought why not make an anonymous blog to accomplish something and to possibly help other people my age even if I'm not encouraging at all. If anything you can use this to say " I don't have as many life issues as he does''. ' And if you do have more life issues then just know you are doing better than I am and I know you'll get through this. And I have to say I'm not talking about poverty or bad living conditions, obviously that is much worse. It requires a lot more will power/strength. I have to commend those people for what they go through as they are the strongest people. In this case though, I'm just talking about myself and other people my age mentally. I am currently sitting here listening to sad music just thinking about my life and how far behind I am.

I think from this pretty long intro I have given you a good look into my life and what I think about on a daily basis. For the most part they are negative thoughts but believe me I am trying to make healthy changes to my life, to help not only me but the people around me. After this you should be feeling a lot better about yourself as you don't have all these thoughts of anxiety and depression running through your mind like I do. And this isn't me looking for pity, no not at all I just like to get my experiences and problems in life written down to help myself by ranting, entertaining and inspiring others.

And if this hasn't inspired or entertained you I'm sorry I have no experience at this, but I think that gives you a chance to write and then produce better material then I do. I strongly encourage anyone who is strugging with anxiety and depression or any mental health to reach out to someone like a therapist or even a friend and to also try journaling. It may not always help or help in the moment but they have both helped me a lot in the past and even today. I think that is enough ranting for today but ill end this with If you find yourself feeling alone a lot of the time like I do, just know I LOVE YOU AND YOU'LL GET THROUGH THIS, YOU'RE SO STRONG.

Love,

Your Friend A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Blogger 🖤

[intrusive-thoughtz]

I need better friends that I can talk to and they engage versus me just talking. I would also love a therapist but economically financially that isn't happening. I also feel like I could check myself into the psychiatric ward for about a week as a vacation it's terrible that I would see a psychiatric ward as a vacation.

I can't talk to my mom because she's a narcissist so every time I talk to her everything's about her. She will start talking to me about groceries when I'm talking to her about wanting to die. My dad he lives with me but he's a stranger in this home so basically he passes by me 50 times a day does not address my existence does not answer me when I'm talking to him me and holding a grudge from 20 years ago for his bad behavior as a parent because he can't reflect and heal his trauma.

I have over a hundred cousins and I don't talk to any of them. I had one who is my pride my joy the love of my life and my mother and his mother do not get along and they started fighting and pushed us apart and now they want us to be friends again but this ship has sailed it is gone and then it sank like the Titanic I know better than to get my hand burned twice especially by family I trust no one.

I've also had a terrible fucking day at work the other day some man was purchasing a parakeet and a gecko and I gave him paperwork to sign checked his ID to make sure he was of age and he just signed the bottom without filling out any of the information and I said oh no I'm going to have to have you fill out the rest of that and then he called my job and complained today and said that I am the worst employee he has ever met and every time he sees me I am nasty. Homie I have never even met you before and no one else was around while I was taking care of you so what the fuck are you talking about. And when I'm talking to some customers I see them three times a week for the last year we're on a friendly basis to joke around laugh and maybe say a few inappropriate jokes to each other why don't you just mind your business and leave a review about how I treated you because no one else was complaining just you.

my manager decided to take me aside and have a conversation with me and all it did was make me cry frustrated and have anxiety. Got to mention that I do think that I'm about a year or two away from having a fucking heart attack and dropping dead which sounds fucking glorious by the way but in the meantime it's kind of fucking shaky and weird and I have problems breathing and my blood pressure is off but nobody can find anything I'm going to have a heart attack. And I'm fine with that just fucking cremate me or I will be pissed off. I feel like I've lived a hundred lives and I've been hung shot and buried more than I would like to admit to so can we just fucking cremate me. The thing is my parents are Jehovah witnesses so they probably won't do it because if they're religion even though that has nothing to do with me because I'm not religious.

if you've even read this and got this far thank you I'm just ranting to empty space so I don't fucking die of this heart attack or go mentally insane and end up in that psychiatric ward that I really don't want to go to because no one's going to take care of my animals if I do.

[andromedaspark]

Yes I'm posting about my autism. Fuck you.

I can't get diagnosed in my state (South Carolina)

Period. I just can't. There are no clinical psychologists who do autism testing for anyone who isn't like 5 or under.

Not even expensive ones. There's just None.

If I were to get diagnosed it would have to be in North Carolina or Georgia.

Since I'm not a toddler it's going to 10 times more difficult for me to get a diagnosis.

Since I'm AFAB it's going to be 50 times harder to get a diagnosis.

Since I also have ADHD it's going to be 100 times harder to get a diagnosis.

I want a service dog for my autism because

They can help with crowd control (they circle around you to push others back)

They can help with my skin picking disorder

They can help alert others or my guardian if I start to have a panic attack or meltdown.

They can help with mobility

They can preform active coping mechanisms

They can help encourage me to leave the house more

See, a service dog would be ideal. But my family can't afford a diagnosis for autism much less a service dog for said autism.

Service Animals with training are work.

The average autism service dog costs between $30,000 and $50,000 to be fully trained before joining their forever family. (Source)

I have autism, depression, panic attacks, C-PTSD, social anxiety, and am HOH. That's just with this one list.

I only got diagnosed with (at the time) Severe Chronic Depression, GAD, and (technically, at the time) ADD very recently, in around 2018-19. I was almost hospitalized. I was severely chronically su*c*dal and was actively engaging in SH (in my own 'unique' way).

My mom figured I had autism when I was like 4. She never told me.

That lead to social isolation, social anxiety, a good part of my depression and Daily Burnout + Meltdowns.

Luckily I'm past most of that now (after years of therapy, after 5 therapists and a psychologist, years of adjusting medication, DBT, CBT, PCT, Gestalt Therapy, bits of ERP, and even Somatic therapy)

Anyway back to the Diagnosis

Autism testing can cost between $3000 and $5000. (Source)

So why does a Slip of Paper from a psychologist in another state have to cost more than 5 new phones?

Fuck if I know. I'm not enough of an idiot to figure that one out.

But it pisses me off

Because it would cost about 4k for a diagnosis, then 40k for a service dog. And my family barely had 300 dollars spare to just throw at shit.

$44,000 for a dog and a piece of paper telling me what I already know.

And I just want accessibility. But they put prices on it that make me feel like my suffering is worth it because at least I'm not drowning in debt.

And I already have 4 dogs, but pets and service dogs are Very different.

I can't have anything good. And it sucks.

So next time anyone says they don't believe I'm autistic I want 4k cash in my hand by the end of the week or I'm going to go apeshit.

For legal reasons that is a joke

In all honesty I don't expect anyone to read this. This is purely just a jumbled up rant of all my tired autistic brain screaming.

I'm on the highest dosages of my Depression+Anxiety medication and my ADHD medication. If I want to go up I have to get a different medication.

And that scares me.

Even more so now that we have a new doctor that thinks my ADHD medication is a joke and doesn't think I should be on it at all even though I've been on it for a year now and it's done amazing work. It's just not where I want to be.

Anyway if she takes my meds from I'm just gonna bite the bullet and start taking weed.

I mean what's she gonna do? Arrest me? Maybe. Weeds illegal here. But fuck yall you made my medication inaccessible so I'm doing it my damn self.

My neighbors are smokers and they aren't shy about it, and my moms friend is like A Weed Veteran with how long she's been taking it and making stuff with it.

She started making cookie edibles and I swear to god. They have the weed ground down into powder and used with the flour in a half substitute ratio. They look so fucking good. I want the Calm Down Cookies. They're sugar cookies too which are like my fucking favorite thing on the planet.

And my mom wants me to start with the gummies but I Fucking Hate Gummy shit. I'd rather rot in hell than get gummy stuck in my teeth. But it's a small price to pay to work up to weed cookie.

And I genuinely thought about the Ecig THC because those are things and they taste good (supposedly) and it's 'not as bad' as unfiltered blunts. And the aesthetic of smoking is neat to me. But I decided against it because it would be more of a hassle than it's worth. It's risking my already shitty lungs and my sensory issues along with overall health and future complications. Edibles you get a snack And a good time And your lungs get to live another day.

Anyway I've done way too much research on weed and let me just say. They make up the wildest names. I can see a strain called "Fuck bitches get money" and it's good for like making you hungry and tired. There's like "cactus fetus" and it calms you down and is good for sleep. Like Bitch.

Anyway do you think in California they can UberEats you weed now?

[absurdthirst]

Hi Tumblr mum! Is it alright if I get something off my chest? I'm not sure if you or anyone else out there actually has some advice, but I feel like I need to verbalise it because the people I talk to don't understand.

Recently I've started to think I might be on the autism spectrum. I've always had trouble relating to and understanding other people, but recently I've been talking to my mum about my childhood in order to work through some other issues, and some of the things she's told me made me think.

Like apparently I didn't say a single word until I was 3 1/2. And I was always told I was a 'shy' 'awkward' and even 'angry' child. I never took instruction well and always did what I wanted regardless, and if stopped I could apparently get quite violent, even as a 5-year-old. I've never really had friends because I never felt like a) I understood other people and b) they never understood me.

There's a massive list of others things I've noticed (I have a two page word document listing all the things 'wrong' with me that I originally started to tell my therapist about my anxiety because I have trouble putting things into words), but I've just been thinking that there were clearly multiple signs that something was wrong in my childhood, and people definitely noticed (my mum and all of my teachers have commented on it) but no one ever did anything. And I tried bringing it up with my mum and my therapist but they both brushed it off without any conversation, so now I'm starting to think it might be all in my head. My mum has literally said she needs to coach me to put more expression in my voice/face when talking to people (I didn't know I needed to? But apparently I come across as blank and disinterested even when I'm trying to look interested) but she still thinks I'm just 'shy'. I'm 27, I don't even know of this is worth exploring at this stage.

Sorry for coming to you to rant, I'm just feeling very confused and frustrated and a little bit like I'm going insane. Sometimes your blog actually seems like a safer space than my therapist.

I am so sorry hun. I know that it is disappointing to have things that your parents, who are supposed to be your very first advocate, ignore signs when there could have been so many things to help you develop and understand yourself.

My son was diagnosed at 4 with ADD/ADHD and for years was treated by a doctor who was very prominent in the autism community. HE missed some of the signs because that had just been....part of my son's personality. He was retested at 12 and of course was found to be on the spectrum. Because he's high functioning, it wasn't as obvious. THE FUCKING GUILT I FELT/FEEL is just astronomical. I play 'what ifs' all the time. Now, my son is pretty well adjusted and a great kid, that has never changed but I wonder if his life would be even better if we had not gone so long without reassessing.

Now, I will tell you it's never too late to start looking into your own case, figuring out where you may lie on the spectrum. It sounds like you are high functioning as well, but honestly a diagnosis is great for peace of mind. There are things that you just get so frustrated at yourself because you aren't 'normal' and don't respond the 'normal way' and yet, if you know, it's literally a case of you cannot help it. It's the difference between how your neurological pathways process information compared to someone who is not on the spectrum.

Please go get tested. Demand to be tested. There are so many adults that have found out later in life that they are on the spectrum.

https://www.healthline.com/health/autism-in-adults#treatment

https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/adult-diagnosed-on-autism-spectrum

https://www.aane.org/resources/adults/aspergerautism-spectrum-diagnosis-adults/

I know you came to rant, but I am sending you a hug virtual hug and I am glad that you felt like you could come to me. It sounds like your therapist is trash if they are brushing off your concerns and unwilling to have a conversation about it. I would honestly start looking for another one. If you have an autism center near you, definitely seek them out. Your concerns are completely valid and I and rooting for you!

[freakoutgirl]

personal rant under the cut that's not interesting to anyone

I'm just so fucking tired and depressed I want to rip my hair out, like I DON'T see my friends, I DON'T get out of the house. I talk to my therapist about it and she's like "well why don't you try these things" and I TRY to bring them up with my mom (my ride, and who needs to watch my little brother if I can't) and she just shoots EVERY suggestion down. no reason, she just doesn't want to!!! and what am I supposed to do about that???

and I told her how like my mental health is taking a HIT and how my therapist told me well maybe I need to start being annoying! maybe I need to start saying to people "well I can't just wait for it to be convenient, so here's some things we will need to do if you want to help my mental health." but then my mom was like "well your therapist didn't mean me, your mother" YOU WERE THE CENTER OF THE CONVERSATION!!!!

like I didn't have the resources in high school to pay for driving classes (still don't, let alone the fact I would need a ride), my mom refuses to teach me, and I don't see anyone else enough to learn from them!!!! and no one else has a stick shift so I wouldn't even be learning what my mom drives!!!! and my therapist is like "well then if your mom won't help you, then driving around you places is the consequence" YEAH BUT THEN MY MOM JUST REFUSES TO TAKE ME ANYWHERE!!!! and everyone else is busy, or doesn't drive, or lives over an hour away!

so like what the fuck can i do besides stay in my room for nearly four years straight because even without the pandemic making my mom a germaphobe and hate me going anywhere, she is too selfish to help me with my mental health.

and then yeah lmao she pulls the "you're 24 and you live at home" card like fuck yeah I wish I wasn't! and it's not like you don't benefit from me being home because now you have a 24/7 babysitter and chore-doer and petsitter. but god FUCKING forbid I want to see my friends more than once every other month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"well Hayley why don't you move out" because I have debilitating anxiety and can't get a fucking job UNTIL I learn to be more independent and mentally healthy, but I can't get mentally healthy and independent now!!!!!!!!!!! so everything feels so fucking hopeless all the time and I feel helpless and no one who has the ability to help me wants to.

and I fucking hate bringing this up in therapy bc I feel like I'm shitting on my mom, and if my therapist criticizes my mom (like that it's understandable I'm having a hard time bc she isn't helping me) then I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit.

anyway I said I wouldn't drink for awhile but times like this makes me REALLY want to get drunk.

[desultory-suggestions]

Hi there, I just wanted to ask for some advice? Recently, my partner has been coming to me, and Only me when they need to vent, or breakdown, and I'm glad they're comfortable enough with me to do so, but it's honestly become kind of taxing on my own mental health. We've had discussions of exploring different coping mechanisms, some of which work, and some don't, which is understandable and so valid, but is there a way I can talk to them about how its sometimes overwhelming when they rant...? 1/2

I don't want to deter them from relying on me, but it's genuinely something that can be really bad for the both of us that really, fully affects me. And to have me being their only outlet of vocally venting is... a lot. It's only begun ever since the pandemic started, so I definitely know this is a result of our circumstances and not something that's been happening for super long, but I'm trying to make sure I don't suppress my emotions and let things fester as a result of that. 2/2

Hello, beloved! This is a very common struggle. It’s natural to want to bring our stress and anxiety to the person we trust the most, but sometimes it goes a bit too far and becomes a burden on that person. I am very glad you have already breached the topic of coping mechanisms, that’s a good sign of healthy communication. In the end, you just have to be honest. You don’t have to be mean, and you’re not mean for saying “I support and hear you but I think that it would be better for both of us if you had someone else you can talk to when things get hard.” It’s normal for you to bring things to each other, and this doesn’t mean they have to hide their stress, but when they need a full-out venting session they can go to a therapist or group of friends to split up the intensity. If they aren’t willing to try speaking to a professional or someone else, that is a red flag to me. They may have other ways of coping and that’s okay, but if they keep burying you in stress do not feel obligated to stay in a situation that no longer serves you. Stay safe, and good luck! 

-Evan 

[staydeobisworld]

Chanhee - sleepover part 1

Genre - fluff

Reader x chanhee (New)

---------------------------------------------------------

You were currently sitting on your bed, hand on your chest trying your best not to scream. It just hurt way too much that you thought it would be better to not exist at all.

You're broken from your negative thoughts when you hear the door creek open.

A blonde, doll like face peeps through with the cutest smile that could cure anything.

"Chanhee"

Your face lit up .

He's the only one who can make you happy at times like these and you really appreciated it.

"Can I come in?"

He raises his eyebrows.

" Uh! No you can't!"

You say sarcastically

"Thanks for the nice welcome "

He enters and closes the door behind him.

"I just.... Really wanted to see you. I hope I'm not disturbing you"

He joins you on the bed.

You and chanhee have been friends for a really long time .

You guys are so comfortable with each other that he randomly shows up at your place just to check on you.

He's an angel, a blessing .

"Nooo I'm glad you came"

You try to hide the anti depressant and anti anxiety meds from him cause he's here, you wanted to have a really good time with him and not you just ranting out stuff.

But unfortunately he notices it.

"What are you trying to hide from me?"

He gives you that suspicious look.

"Ummmm no-nothing??"

It comes out like a question . You could never lie to him and he knows that very well.

You sit there with a confused expression as he just stares at you.

"Cha-"

He suddenly grabs your hands and takes the medicines.

He knows about your medicines cause he's the one who takes you to the therapist.

He also notices the pain relief gel . You always carry it cause when the attacks get severe, every cell of your body starts to hurt .

He puts the medicines aside and takes your hand in his .

He holds it so delicately .

"We're you having a panic attack?"

You nod.

Too unstable to speak.

His face falls.

"Do you want a hug?"

He says and he spreads his arms.

Without having a second thought you fall into his arms.

His soft skin feels really warm like a safe blanket around you.

This was your favourite place.

In his arms.

Your safe place.

Where you can just be you and not pretend like you're actually fine.

"Thank you so much chanhee"

You hug him tighter.

"For always checking up on me, being there for me , tolerating my mood swings , my drama and shit"

He pulls you closer and places a kiss on the top of your head.

"Just like how you're always there for me making me happy, I wanna be there for you too and I will always be . Always"

Y'all just sit there hugging each other for an hour or so.

"Chanhee"

You break the hug and look at him with puppy eyes.

He laughs and ruffles your hair

"What is it?"

"Can you ummmm stay?"

"Like a sleepover?"

"Yes if it's okay with you?"

"Well... You always complain about cuddles so maybe we can cuddle tonight " his cheeks turn red.

He's so cute ugh.

"Yes please please please"

You start jumping and clapping your hands in excitement.

"Okay! Okay! I'm staying!"

"Yayyyyyyyy you're the best!"

"I know I am" he flips his non existent long hair and you guys burst into fits of laughter.

"Let's sleep!"

He says as he turns the lights off and covers you both in the blanket.

He turns to your side and pulls you in.

You lay your head on his shoulder and he hugs you tight.

You fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.