#and this is a depiction of (one of my favorite) parts of the fanfic

[batfamfixation]

The weird duality of hating RHatO/New 52 but liking JayRoy.

Like, when I see panels of them interacting in RHaTO I just want to scream at all the character assassination (of them and Kori, and especially Kori, because dear god), and when I see them interacting in Red Hood/Arsenal comics I just spend the whole time thinking about how many traits of a manic episode Roy is displaying (seriously there's so fucking many).

I could write a bunch about why I ship JayRoy, but I mostly just wanted to complain about the New 52.

[bug-is-snug]

starved

inspired by @groguspicklejar (you are so good at atmosphere omgggg???)

Part two

plot: you're a zombie babe <3 put y'all seatbelts on CW: depictions of violence, depictions of obsession, gore, eventual self-cannibalism (stay safe besties), blood, gore, eventual smut banner by: @frostthecupcake (deactivated) and found by using "Find A Banner" A/N: This is my first time posting a fanfic of mine! Please be gentle with me ;-;

'I am starving...' The words were so familiar to you that you barely registered that they echoed the moment you saw your Captain's exposed wrist. Captain John Price, a stern and loyal man. He always made you feel safe...he always made you... Hungry. You inhaled sharply as you looked up at your Captain, finally registering that he had been calling your name. "Are you alright, love?" His usual tone had taken one of concern as his eyes stared into your own. "Ah-" You smiled nervously as you nodded, "Yes, sir, I'm fine. Just...deep in thought, I guess! What were you asking me?" "I was asking if you had gotten your paperwork done yet. You look exhausted." He stood up straight, crossing his arms over his chest as his raised a brow. Perhaps your narrator should explain; it started around... Three months ago...

It was supposed to be a good Ol' typical hostage situation. Get the hostage, get a Medevac if needed, another easy adventure for our favorite Task Force! Right? Oh, how terribly wrong you were. Nothing could have prepared you for the moment you were slammed against a wall by the hostage no less! You had been sent in to grab the scientist! A scientist! Some little nerd working on bioweapons! Surely, they wouldn't be aggressive, right? The wind was knocked from your lungs as you tried your best to fend off your attacker. His snapping teeth dangerously close to your neck as you forced his head back with one hand, your arm shoving him away by his shoulder. Why did you have to be so stubborn? Why didn't you just let Soap help you? Why did you INSIST on going in alone?! Why couldn't you just accept help?! You couldn't contain your scream as the doctor sunk his teeth into your exposed wrist, the smell of rot and blood immediately clouding your brain and making you dizzy. The rest of that mission was fuzzy, really... You don't remember Soap immediately coming to your aid the moment he heard your scream from down the hall. You don't remember fainting. You don't remember a lot of that day after the attack... Back to the current day, "Y-yeah, yeah- no- uh.." You stumbled over your words as you rubbed your face, "I've just not been sleepin' too well. Sorry, Cap." A half-lie...you could tell Price didn't buy it either, but what else could you say? What were you supposed to do? Tell him how you've dreamt of sinking your teeth into his neck the night after catching him walking back from a workout? Tell him how your heart ached when imagining yourself sinking your teeth into your Lieutenant's arm every time he offered your paperwork to you? How it takes everything in your body to stop yourself from licking the blood from Gaz's wounds when he gets a bump or scrape when in the field? Or how the smell of Johnny's sweat makes your head swim with thoughts of ripping his ribs apart with your bare hands? Obviously, you can't just say that! Wh- who even-? No! Just, no! So, you lie. You lie and lie and lie until you can't keep track of your lies anymore. "I think I just need to go to bed...Would that be okay?" You gave your Captain a forced smile that almost felt like a grimace. He stared with eyes that seemed to look right through you, "...Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt. Go rest up, love. I'm sure I can handle the rest from here." You sighed in relief, standing up and organizing your papers for a moment before giving your Captain an appreciative nod before you left the room. You could feel his eyes boring into the back of your skull as you walked away, but you didn't falter. Don't worry, darling, your team has noticed the lies. They've noticed your change in behavior. And it's only a matter of time until you slip up...

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

10 Jikook Fanfictions Part 1

I said I'd make a list before the end of the year and I kept my promise. Now, it's difficult to choose, especially when I have more than 300 bookmarks and unfortunately I also started doing that some year and a half ago. Safe to say, there's probably plenty of good fics I read that are now lost. Anyway, enough with the boring chit chat, here's 10 random jikook fics in no particular order and most likely, several other parts will follow, probably next year 😉

1. Dead in the Water

It's been a couple of years since I read this and honestly, I barely remember much, but what I do know it's that it had an impact on me. Usually fics that have death as a central theme end up resonating with me, but perhaps it's because I've always been attracted to more darker fiction. This one is gritty and there's a lot of pain and I must have cried a lot (those tend to stick in my head)

2. we're holding hands beneath the silver screen

I think this story is taking place in the 90s (you'll see that a lot of the fics I recommend are taking place in the past). I think I ended up reading everything ChimneyCricket wrote, but this one remained a favorite. Coming of age during a summer in Jeju in the 90s. Apart from the theme, it's the writing that made me stick with it.

I'm not the biggest fan of young adult stories. Or better yet, it's not something that I'd go to as a preference. When I do, it's more of an indulgence and thankfully, I found some writers (like this one) who can do a really good job with the genre.

3. Stockwell

Another writer that I've become a big fan of after reading one fic of theirs. And I think it might have been Stockwell that did it for me. I like that it's fanfiction with adult themes for an adult audience. And I also resonate with a lot of the cultural references and themes. I will also admit that this fic leaning into the enemies to lovers trope was a selling point because I'm a sucker for it. I can't help myself.

4. Burn for You

This is a complete self indulgence for me and I embrace it. Just like watching Bridgerton is a guilty pleasure for which I don't actually feel guilty (and the inspo for this fic). This story has everything and I must say the combination of lust, fear of revealing feelings, rumors, proper behavior and hidden romance is a lethal combination!

5. Light of a century

I might have recommended this story before, but it being inspired by Up on Poppy Hill is not just due to the plot, but the writing is able to evoke that studio Ghibli mood. This fic is to be read on a hot weekend afternoon.

6. Map of the Soul

This might be one of the most complex fanfictions I read due to the amount of research needed, but also in the depiction of political contexts and identity politics. Most of all, I like it because as much as relationships are a vital part of the story, there is an entire world surrounding the main characters. Events and other people that have also room to develop and not just remain props that advance the story.

7. Proceed with Caution

I don't know what snatchim did with this fic, but it's the only one I ever reread multiple times and I'll probably do it again in the future. I don't even reread books from my library, let alone fanfics. But Proceed with Caution did it for me. Perhaps it's because of the process of Jungkook inevitably falling for Jimin and even though it's a bad thing considering the context, it's so good. Maybe it's the image of Jimin with a bellybutton ring or maybe because the picture of hot Californian days in the 70s is so vivid, it feels like a nostalgic Paul Thomas Anderson movie.

8. Dishwater World They Said Was Lemonade

The description does not do this story justice because it's so much more than that. It's a canon compliant thriller with really complicated and complex characters and once again, a story meant for adults who understand that it's fiction. Unfortunately, judging by the comment section, a lot of people cannot distinguish betweem real people and characters. For those of you who might be fans of Korean thrillers, this story might be the one for you. It's also one of my favorite jikook fics as well.

9. souvlaki

Need I say more, considering the description? This is a self indulgence as well, but of a different kind. If I happily read tropey fics, I also like the ones that can sound like a uni course. Set during the 1997 FMI crisis in SK, any reader will get familiar with a socioeconomic and political perspective of that time through the eyes of the main characters. If you're only looking for romance, this one is not for you.

10. you wouldn't remember

I think littleflumes might be currently my favorite writer of canon compliant jikook. I think the author really captured their dynamic in its essence and the room left for fiction perfectly fills in the holes left in the last 2 years and up until the present. But what did it for me, not only with this story, but the others in the series as well, is that it's concentrated almost entirely on the two main characters, almost living in a bubble of their own in which their relationship can be explored.

[cemeterything]

Do you have any favourite fitzier fanfics :3c

yeah alright:

to be as one is (series) by TheGoodDoctor (rating: G, T) (this one deals a lot with gender and self identity and never fails to make me smile no matter how rotten i'm feeling)

Through by robokittens (E) (one of the tags on this fic is "spiritual woundfucking" and i feel like that recommends this fic better than i can in my own words)

oh you pretty things by wildcard_47 (T) (one of many 'Francis buys James a dress' fics, but this one stood out to me because the dialogue and prose is just so thoroughly delightful to read)

The Shipmaster's Song by ripeteeth (T) (what if... we were shipwrecks at the bottom of the ocean... and we were both doomed polar explorers...)

Sunlight, sunlight, sunlight by for_autumn_i_am (E) (a 'what if Carnivale didn't go up in literal smoke' au where everything aches with the promise of future tragedy but still manages to be heartwarming)

an unexpected gift by aes3plex (G) (JFJ meets Francis' extensive family. all of this author's works are incredible but this one was my favorite, equal parts charming and heartwrenching.)

twin high maintenance machines by veganthranduil (E) (obligatory 'the one where they both have erectile dysfunction but they still try to make it work' fic; selected this one specifically for the equal parts delightfully and painfully in character dialogue.)

Swallow by Daucus (T) ('gross' intimacy my beloved. you know the scene in Princess Mononoke where San feeds Ashitaka when he's too weak to care for himself so that he'll survive and heal? well that rewired MY brain and this is the fitzier version.)

burnt-out match in a dark room by deadgreeks (T) (marriage/death parallels and the intimacy of performing someone's last funeral rites. this one's a 'keep a pack of tissues on hand just in case' one.)

singing even so by shortcrust (T) (Orpheus and Eurydice in the Arctic. had me staring blankly into space and hugging myself as if chilled for nearly an hour after i finished it.)

The Gunner's Daughter by reinetta (E) (the most gorgeously written and romantic depiction of a sadomasochistic scene i've ever had the pleasure of reading)

Da mi basia mille, deinde centum by anactoriatalksback (M) (makeout fic, but calling it a "makeout fic" is so vastly underselling this. the plot is literally "they make out", but you will be hanging on to every word and astonished by the amount of character study that the author manages to pack into that premise.)

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself by 5runner5 (M) (PTSD recovery fic in a pre-PTSD recognition era, and by far my favorite for how honest it is about the difficult reality of communication and recovery in a relationship)

shall warmer, sweeter be by baestard (T) (a wonderful exploration of transgender identity and self-discovery that remains impressively period accurate. or: 'what if we survived the arctic and we were both girls'.)

[lunaartgallery]

Hellven Updates | APRIL

Lets see whats new aye, got a lot of exciting stuff! Rejoice for I have FINALLY finished all 20 background sets. So 3D models and props are ready to go! That task was a chore in itself, probably my least favorite part of this project.

Eitherway, you'll get to see those backgrounds in the panels of the novel.

Freebie - Concept panel

Novel: Onto the novel itself, Hellven is coming along well. I'm half-way through the rewrite. As a quick summary, Hellven was originally a script that I am turning into a full-length novel. That's why the rewrites are taking so long and I've had to push the release date of this first book later this year perhaps around summer. Out of 16 ( unedited chapters ) 9 have been rewritten clocking in at 240p, or 20-30p (4k words) per chapter. The whole "script" is sitting at 400p. I'm predicting this first book to be around 600 - 800 pages. This isn't a fanfic, so I can't really give updates on the novel as one would do for a comic. It's a strange adjustment, but I hope all of my comic concepts is enough to fill in the gaps while we wait.

Novel Mature content: Hellven is a dark supernatural poly romance, it will have mature content and horror imagery, but nothing explicit. Because of this, I've added a 18+ label to any work that is suggestive on my patreon. However, I want to make it clear that Hellven is NOT a smut book.

Hellven contain sex, as topics of sexuality and gender are big themes in the novel. The story caters more to people on the romantic character drama side rather than pure smut lovers. Graphic depictions of sex and genitals will not be shown. That said, I'm not opposed to NSFW material as a whole, far from it, but I don't want to mislead anyone.

Freebie - Concept panel

Wow that was a long update. Eitherway, you can support Hellven over on my Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/lunaartgallery view behind the scenes content, concept and panels!

Bye for nows :)

[astarlitsoul]

Morning Star

Azriel x OC

@starfallweek prompt: Character A is a fallen star, Character B finds them.

A/n: This is my first time posting on tumblr (Ik I'm a decade late) and my first time trying to write fanfic. I wanted to give this prompt from Starfall Week a try. I hope to make at least a second part bc I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Feedback is appreciated, I hope you enjoy.

This is set a year after ACOSF when the red star (likely Aelin) was seen by Rhysand on Starfall.

Warnings: Angst, blood, wounds (not too graphic), I think that's it...

Rhys had truly outdone himself this year. In anticipation of Nesta and Cassian’s wedding, the High Lord had created his largest guest list yet for the upcoming Starfall. The House of Wind had been undergoing preparations for the week prior to the holiday in preparation for all the guests. The residence was being readied to host the courtiers and their plus ones, the ruling families of allied courts, and Keir and Lord Devlon plus their ilk. Even the owners of businesses the Inner Circle frequented had been extended an invitation. 

Azriel had attended far more of the balls than he could remember. In his youth, Rhys, Cassian, and he would perch atop the roof of Rhys’ mother's house to watch the streaks of light until they dwindled away. In his adolescence, it was not uncommon for one of them, often Cassian, to bring their lover at the time and share kisses under the show. (Of course, the perpetrator would be teased to no end the following day.) More recently, as Rhys and Cass found their mates, Azriel found himself missing those days. He was happy for his brothers, and he loved his found sisters. But that didn’t change the feelings of unworthiness that were spurred when he was left without a date at event after event. 

In the recent weeks leading up to Starfall, these thoughts were the subject of Azriel’s dreams. The dreams were not nightmares, per se, which Azriel was well acquainted with. They all began with a depiction of a different Starfall from his youth. However, the good memories were soured when Rhys and Cassian would fall silent beside him atop the roof. Azriel would call out for them, but their eyes would remain glued to the sky as if seeing something he couldn’t. They pointed and murmured things he couldn’t hear before they grabbed him in an attempt to winnow away. 

Even now, as he flew home the morning before the holiday, he found himself thinking over the dreams. Lost in thought, he was surprised to find himself flying over the quaint cabin. He had subconsciously altered his flight path to pass the first home he’d known. Landing softly in front of Rhys’ mother’s house, he scanned his surroundings before entering. Assured that the sun was just beginning its ascent and that much of the world still slept, he entered the cabin. 

Strolling through the small foyer and into the kitchen, he observed just how worn it was. As boys, they did a number on the cabin, leaving lasting scuffs on the floor and permanent dents in their favorite chairs. He loved the damages now, seeing them for what they were. Signs of life, proof that joy and love had filled the space. Proof that even he had known joy and love. After walking through the small rooms, he exited and flew up to the roof. He told himself he wouldn’t get too comfortable, that he’d rest for only a few moments before heading to the House of Wind. Facing the spot where the sun threatened to rise from the ocean, he took in the orange and pink hues of the pre-dawn sky. While Velaris was mostly obscured by the trees, he could glimpse the city in the distance. 

His musings were interrupted by a rising feeling that moved from his stomach up behind his ribs. His shadows, which had settled into languid movements upon arrival at the cabin, began flaring out from him in a frenzy. He inhaled deeply at the foreign sensation, and it was then that he noticed the first star in the darkening sky. Azriel cocked his head at it. Prythian's brightest star — and the last to disappear each morning — should lay behind him in the sky. His confusion only grew as the star began flickering and growing.

No, not growing, approaching. The white-hot mass was careening towards him. He ducked, lying flush against the roof, his shadows making themselves scarce in the presence of the foreign glow. He closed his eyes against the brightness before he felt a wave of searing heat through his leathers as it passed overhead. Only when the light stopped attempting to shine through his shut lids, did Azriel open his eyes. Standing once more he looked himself over, then at his surroundings. Whatever it was had bowed the trees in its path, unobscuring the view to Velaris and leaving char marks and a glittering substance in its wake. 

Let us see. Let us investigate. A few of his shadows hovered in front of his face, and he permitted them to follow the path. Reaching for Truth-Teller, Azriel wracked his mind for any information he’d know of objects falling into their atmosphere. He’d gone with Rhys to see multiple experts about the upcoming celestial event. The High Lord was still shaken by the red star he’d seen during last year's Starfall. Yet none of the court’s prophets nor astronomers had forecast this. They’d all claimed the view on Starfall was set to be uninterrupted, that only good things would come from the spectacle. It was another reason that Azriel’s dreams confused him. And a reason why he didn’t mention it to his brothers.

There is blood, Master. So much blood. His shadows whizzed back to him, wrapping around his middle and tugging him in the direction of the foreign object. Taking to the sky, he spotted a clearing a few hundred feet behind the cabin that hadn’t been there before. Upon passing the last of the trees, Azriel drew up short and hovered over the sight. There were so few things that turned his stomach after centuries of horrors. But the sight of a body laying in the crater, a tangle of limbs and wings and branches and moss had the foreign feeling returning to his chest. Landing softly, he rolled the hilt of his dagger in his palm, a nervous tic of his. He stood at the edge of the crater and found his throat tightening as he took a closer look. 

The being was breathtaking, even as it lay limply in the ground. Pale blue feathers lay beneath the body, adorning wings that bent at a too-wrong angle. The being was dressed in nondescript robes of a darker blue hue, which now lay in tatters. Much of the flesh that wasn’t shredded, was obscured by long, curly locks of dark hair and a thick layer of glittering dust. His shadows were snaking their way towards the body, picking up some of the glistening flecks as they approached when they froze suddenly. 

Alive. But the breaths are too shallow. There is a great wound.

A faint groan escaped the being and he found himself stepping down into the crater. Precaution thrown to the wind, he saw no need to intimidate the dying creature. It appeared female, as he took in the soft facial features and shapely figure as she lay against the dark soil.

“Hello?” he asked gently. 

Another groan, then a cry as the being shifted. Tightening his grip on Truth-Teller, Azriel watched a shaky hand emerge from beneath a heap of feathers to reach for what he believed was a thigh. It was then he saw the wound. The Illyrian winds had been known to whisk away even the largest tents and banners, typically with sandbags and iron posts still attached. The stake of one of those posts was protruding through the leg, too close to the center for her femur to still be intact. 

“Hey hey hey,” he sputtered as he reached for the delicate hand hoping to prevent her from causing herself further harm. While he was no healer, he knew that the bones and arteries in the thigh posed a life threat when damaged. The moment his scarred hand closed around her wrist her eyes flew open. 

Time may as well have frozen. His eyes met her own, pools of a similar hazel but flecked with stardust. Within his chest, he felt a new ebb and flow. Not of his diaphragm as he remembered to breathe, but of his end of the mating bond that had awoken within him. He was shaken from the moment when another cry left her lips.

She began speaking frantically in a language he’d never heard as she attempted to move, her eyes jumping between his face, his shadows, his flared wings, and the weapon in his hand. Her feathered wings shifted again, as she attempted to free her other arm. Sheathing his dagger, he held up his hands, a sign that he meant no harm. Realizing the efforts to free herself were futile, the female stilled, throwing him a pleading look. 

He brought his hands towards the wound slowly, one hand steadying the bloodied stake before the other felt beneath her leg. Wherever the stake had come from, this piece had broken off when it caught in her leg. 

She must be moved. She will not last long. His shadows had been working their way around her form, through the hair, feathers, and tatters as they tried to gain a full picture for their master. A few of them brushed the hair off of her face, while others seemed to stroke her hand. Something in his chest squeezed at their report.

“Let me,” he gestured to himself, “help you.” He finished by making a scooping motion with his arms. Azriel had no idea if she understood his miming, or if the bond had come to life in her chest too, but she nodded once in agreement. He pushed an arm under her back gently, before leaning her torso up from the ground. Her face screwed in pain and he paused as she took a shaky breath. He ordered his shadows to steady the stake before pushing his arms under her legs as well.

Standing up, he took note of her limp wings. What he had believed were two large wings, were actually two sets of wings. Looking up at her face, he flared his shadows as he prepared to shadow-walk to Velaris. Once again, despite her ragged breathing and pained face, she nodded at him with resignment in her eyes. Azriel was unsure if she could feel it, but he tried to soothe her through the bond before he allowed his shadows to envelope them. He hoped that she was able to receive the calming waves he sent her, and none of the panic he felt as his mate’s blood soaked his leathers.

[heyitschartic]

I love the Harrow Nova AU a ton, it is one of my favorite fanfic concepts to read for TLT. I think as a concept it's so intriguing just because of how much it turns everything on its head. Gideon the favored, Harrow the reject. The different ways that authors decide to depict this dynamic can be so fun and interesting. Despite this, I've only read one fanfic that didn't partway through break my suspension of disbelief beyond repair.

Something writers need to recongize is that most of the appeal in Gideon the Ninth is the relationship between Gideon and Harrow. It's fun, it's fucked up, it's interesting, and it's tragic. This AU inevitably breaks that usual bond and almost calls for some new, interesting fucked up dynamics. And you'd better deliver it or else you're stripping away some of the best parts of the story for a tacky coat of paint.

I think the problem is that you need to make some serious changes and stick to them without cracking the narrative like an egg on the sidewalk. Gideon as the Reverand Daughter is interesting, but it also requires her to, you know, act like the Reverand Daughter. A lot of the fun byplay in Gideon the Ninth is that the two of them are putting on that facade that the Ninth are fine, everything is okay, we're just two nuns. Their entire house relies on this bluff. But if Gideon is the Reverand Daughter, unless you're gonna completely change her personality, then it's gonna hit the point where you go "why is she still doing this? Gideon wouldn't care about preserving the Ninth the way Harrow would." And if you've stripped that rigid structure from her, then you better have something interesting to replace it, some fun reason that she needs to play the devout nun, or else, inevitably, everything else will start collapsing in on itself.

Harrow's situation is just so interesting on its own. The horror, the grief, the rage, the purpose of a generation given to her and then stripped away. There's so much juicy stuff to work with and if she's playing off a wet noodle, I'd almost wish she'd just do both of us a favor and kill Gideon off.

I like Harrow Nova. I like the concept and I like the stories, but it requires a pretty fundamental change to keep the narrative flowing. Maybe they're sent to something not Canaan, somewhere they're being watched and need to keep up appearances or risk having major plans blow up in their face. Maybe their new personalities force Cav Harrow to take the lead, playing mouthpiece for a Necromancer who can't handle people. Maybe Harrows life is literally on the line and Gideon cannot do anything but play-act the nun or Harrow will get killed.

There are so many fun possibilities for this what if, please use them! Otherwise it will become a fix fic and nobody wants that.

[somerandomdudelmao]

Hi

So first thank you for your artwork, but also cause you started me on ROTTMNT fandom and helped me find so many amazing artists, writers, AU's etc.

Your art is amazing and depictions of all the turtles and Casey seem so in character in the same time being perfectly indulgend fluff/angst mix.

Your posts about drawing and learning more about language actually motivated me to going back to drawing first time since middle school and not to pressure myself to much so thank you again!

But back to question(s) part if you don't mind answering:

- For how long have you been drawing (professionally and not)?

- Do you have anything similar to Ko-fi or is there any other way to support you?

- Do you do commissions? If yes how it works?

- Is there chance in the future for more F!Raph? Like him bonding with Casey (maybe him telling curious Casey about how they were when they were growing up and Casey disbelief of what Sensei Leonardo was like. Or classic Raph caring about their siblings and Casey trying to learn how he menages that). Idk anything, cause after you showed me possibility I'm F!Raph starved

If you know any great fanart/fanfiction with Future Raph I will also gladly hear about that!

Hope that wasn't too long, and again thanks for your work!

Thank you:3

- Unprofessionally, I've been drawing literally my whole life. I always enjoyed drawing and did it almost every day if I could. But I was a very bad student and didn't want to learn anything at all, so my drawings were pretty ugly.

I started actually studying constructively four years ago and two years ago I started working professionally.

- No. Don't have ko-fi or Patreon or anything. I don't know if it makes sense for me to start one, since I don't want to give any special treatment for the money. I want all the people to be able to get everything I do at all times. Like..equally. And if everything I do is available to everyone as it is, why would anyone pay for it?

- No, I don't do commissions. Maybe I should give it a try. Idk

- Well, I have something in my mind about Raph. I can't say in advance because I improvise 90 percent of this comic and usually the plot twists are sudden even for myself. But I definitely want to delve into Raph's character development and backstory

My favorite fanfic about Future Raph right now is "Raph (Waits) Alone by uncouth_peasant" I think this fandom is sorely lacking stories with him that delve a little more into his life than his death.

[askew-d]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "askew-d "?

hello, there! sorry for the long wait, i forgot to check my notifs :( i will do better next time. thank you for this question! i feel like i’ve waited ages for someone to ask me exactly that, lol. i could talk about well-written fanfics forever!! can i give you a hug? because this is wonderful, really.

let’s go for it! my range of fanfiction that i enjoy vary, but one thing remains: i will adore your fic, no matter the fandom, if it’s written with passion and if it contains good, poetic introspection. i love poetry. for me, if there’s melancholic tropes of any kind i’m into it. immortal character and reincarnation? give me now. supernatural elements or slice of life with doomed narrative? i’ll ignore sleep to read it. angst with happy ending? my endgame, for sure.

however, i also adore silly, comedic, cute pieces of domestic life or otherwise. i had a hard time choosing from my bookmarks for this, and i also reviewed some of my favorites, it was fun. before we continue, here are some of the tags that i don’t dive into for whatever reason: porn without plot (it personally just doesn’t interest me at all), non-con, gore, a/b/o dynamics, soulmates au. sorry if you were hoping for it! i’ll try classify them into an order of what i like most.

1. jellyfish, by mystery twin, for the haikyuu!! fandom — i read this when i was finishing high school and coincidentally the story talks about finishing high school! i have a personal attachment that makes me reread it every year. it’s some sort of tradition at this point. not to mention i love kagehina dearly.

2. teen project to change the world, by animeloverhomura, for the mo dao zu shi fandom — respectfully speaking, i would find this author and give them a big hug. their writing is spetacular! if you've never seen this one and you're into mdzs, know it's a story where the characters get to see every event from the novel and donghua, even the dead characters. they watch wei wuxian journey, can you believe it? so goddamn entertaining. promptly waiting for the next update!

3. a hundred or so hellos, by iwillstillopenthewindow, for the haikyuu!! fandom — remember i said i love melancholic stories? well, this one broke me so hard, i had to mention how i hold it with tenderness (we love things that breaks us, dont we?). this fandom manages to write the cutest, most unhinged things sometimes. even it's an anime about sports. i always get amazed by it.

4. no certainty of doors between us, by betts, for the mo dao zu shi fandom — certainly the most silly little fanfic i've ever seen, it's hilariously sweet. i want everyone to read this masterpiece because, seriously, whoever did this deserves only the best. so, so, cute. it had to be in my top 10!

5. their kindred encounters, by fireflavoredwhiskey, for the untamed rpf fandom (bjyx) — you know those kinds of shows, books, any piece of media, that tears up apart? well, this one was it for me. it's a very famous one that deserves all praise, certainly well-written and enjoyable to the core, with doses of angst, romance and beauty overall.

6. as the clouds part and clear, we finally meet again, by 12262325, for the mo dao zu shi fandom — aaaaa, i was truly torn between putting this in the third or fourth place, but i ended up putting it here. come on, i love an age difference kind of story, especially for wangxian, and this one was perfectly done. sweet and funny. the development? the yearning?? outstanding!! i read this many times already, i'll never get tired.

7. pursuit, by emleewrites, for the haikyuu!! fandom — mystery, romance, lawsuits, poker games, adventure, slice of life, AMAZING depictions and so, so goddamn well-written? that's what you're looking for in any fanfiction. the author dedicated herself entirely for this story, and, like i said, i love stories that are written with passion, you can see it pouring through every paragraph. besides, highly entertaining. i'm not very into long fics, but once i started it off, i couldn't stop. that's how addicting it is.

8. linger by the door (i’ve always been yours), by piecrust, for the mo dao zu shi fandom — epistolary?? have i mentioned how i love it?? some of the phrases in this are gold, in my bookmarks you can check some of them (i ought to make a list of my favorite fic quotes, btw, i will sure do it). through each letter i could comprehend more of wei wuxian's feelings and his internal conflict. i love feeling this connected to a character.

9. all the world is ours to take, by khrys, for the fugou keiji fandom — i have more than one favorite fanfiction for this couple. you know these kinds of developing relationship where the transition from (maybe enemies too) friends to lovers happens so smoothly that it feels like they've been soulmates first and foremost at the end? i don't even know how to explain. i just love how, when they finally are together, it's like they've been together for years. and they just... made it official? i like it. i love my mr. kambe haru.

10. he won’t tell you that he loves you, by hellshandbasket, for the house m.d fandom — i found this to be the most fitting, perfect story for this specific couple. they deserved more stories like this, but we dont see it anymore. i would hightlight the feelings realization in this one, that is so fucking real? haha in any case, it's a fanfic that i enjoyed a great deal.

that's it, i guess! i wanted to add link click fanfics also, however i barely started reading fanfictions from its fandom, i'm drowning in it lately but it's just a start. perhaps very sooon!

oh, i’m gonna finish explaining about the name! in my native language, i’ve heard someone tell me before that ‘life’s a little askew, nothing’s ever perfect’, and that quote remained in every biography of any english website i ever went to. then in literature class someday i had to write about historical women and came across this one named anne askew (i wanted to write about the mostly barely-spoken women). it was the second time i saw this word. i didn’t think of it as a proper name before, but then i had to create a nickname for my ao3 profile and thought, humn, why not just ‘askew’? the quote has been engraved in my heart anyway, so i went for it. we’re all flawed and askew. so, yeah, it just… fit? the ‘d’ here on tumblr it’s only because my surname has a ‘de morais’ in it. i also liked that it resembled ‘alaska’, the john green character i was kinda of obsessed with back in my teenager grunge phase. i don’t like these kinds of books anymore, but i guess some details stay with you. do you think it’s weird? never thought of changing.

thanks for this outstanding ask, it certainly entertained me. and hope you have a nice sleep today, big hugs coming your way! 🤍

[unrequitedloveletter]

Stay- K.B x male! reader

Okay. This fic is one of three of it’s kind that’s coming out this month. This one comes out today, the next one (for Jesper) comes out on the 16th, the third (for Nikolai) comes out on the 30th. 

I’ve always wanted to write something that feels authentic and in line with my experiences as a queer person in aspects of things like heartbreak, yearning, and some of the lighter parts, too, and I chose to do that in the form of these fics. I poured my heart and soul out a little bit so I hope this touches some hearts, too. This is also, by far, my favorite piece of queer fanfic that I’ve ever written. It’s also very long and so that you know what you’re getting into, I’ve added a word count to this fic for convenience. 

Also, yes, there are multiple different gifs with this one but they all have their significances within this fic lol

Fic type- this jumps all over the place but the main genres in it are hurt/comfort and heavy angst

Warnings- mentions of death, mentions of and depictions of gunshot wounds/being shot, mention and depiction of yearning and heartbreak, mention of blood and mentions of physical violence

Word count- 11.6k

You had been in love with Kaz Brekker for what felt like forever, but in reality, had been two thousand days. Five and a half years, give or take. Sixty-five months. You had realized you were in love with him when you were fifteen years old, and in the time since, you'd had a sixteenth, a seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and a twentieth birthday.

You did not know how else to state it. You loved him with the surety of a stream rippling and moving over water covered stones, ones that were always a light-ish brown but looked nearly identical to the color of his hair because they never did have the chance to dry unless someone took them out of the water.

You loved him and were as sure in that as you were in the fact that you loved to watch the sunrise from the rooftops with Inej when she was visiting, as sure as you were in the fact that you would never grow tired of Jespers jokes or the songs Wylan could play on the flute.

Some days, the fact that you were deeply in love with Kaz Brekker and had been for nearly the entirety of the six years you had known him was the only thing you could be sure of.

Because you loved Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel who was never seen anywhere without his gloves, you yearned. Yearning naturally came with loving him as it did loving anyone else, and it was intense because you had not told him how you felt. You weren't entirely sure that you ever would.

Yearning was odd. Sometimes, it was the phantom feeling of a kiss against a forehead, the overwhelming idea of how nice it would be if you could rest your head against his shoulder or simply wanting to hold his hand. It was mildly pleasant in those times, though still quite the inconvenience, you could admit.

Other times, however, it felt like a punch to the gut. It was the pain of wanting a forehead kiss. It was the pain of wanting to be hugged and a gut punch, a bullet wound, when you really wanted to know what it would've been like to be in a relationship with the one person in the Barrel who had everyone in his pocket, the one person who had become untouchable alongside you after the success of the Ice Court and all of the big heists since.

Sometimes, yearning was like waking up on the perfect morning. It was waking up on your favorite day of the week, finding that the weather outside was just perfect, making your drink of choice just right and finally having the motivation to read the book you'd been setting aside for weeks in the favor of other tasks in need of doing.

Other times, it was like being stabbed. It was an ache; a bone deep, heartsick ache. It was waking up and wanting for the one thing you could not have. It was going down to the bottom floor of the Slat, grabbing a brandy and hoping that it did the trick and got you back to normal, only to remember that alcohol did not always work that way and objecting to take the whole bottle instead. Yearning was drinking brandy from the bottle as you read a book you hated but could not give up and yearning was hoping that drinking yourself to sleepiness would have you back to normal the next morning.

Of course, the bottle of brandy never worked. It made you tired after a bit, sure, but it also left you feeling hungover and sluggish the next morning. It had Nina laughing as she commended you for surviving a rough night as Jesper wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you lightly into the booth, nodding his understanding because he was your friend and he loved you, and he'd fancied Kaz once, too, so of course he understood.

"It sticks with you," Jesper said as the two of you headed into the Slat from Fifth Harbor. You'd been grabbing breakfast and Kaz had wanted you in his offices for a meeting by nine bells. "The yearning, I mean. I've been with Wylan three years now, and damn it, it really never goes away."

"I can't let that be the case with me," you said. "I can't. I can barely survive this as it is, Jesper. If the yearning keeps going the longer I stay in love with him, I don't know what I'll do."

"There are a couple of gay bars in the city," Jesper suggested. "I can't imagine that they'll quite fulfill the needs you have but they'll be good for moving on if you flirt with the right people."

"The right people for me are the emotionally unavailable ones," you said. "I honestly don't have much of a preference, but if they've got light blue sea glass eyes, a cutting jaw and brown hair that looks glorious when it's been a few months since it was last trimmed and has had a bit of a chance to grow out, that all would be quite the convincing added bonus."

"You lovesick fool," Jesper said with a laugh as you proceeded into Kaz's office.

"Who's in on the job?" Were the first words out of your mouth, eyes scanning the area. You noticed a map of Ravka on his desk, a map of Fjerda right beside it, a cup half full of coffee placed bare milimetres away from the spot where Kaz had chosen to sit his cane while he worked. "I'm assuming Inej, if she gets in from her voyage in time, and especially if you need a spider. Raske is good on house calls and Ketterdam based Dregs business but he would never be suited to something overseas."

Kaz blinked. "How do you know it's a job across the pond?"

"The map of Ravka on your desk helps me to determine that much, though the map of Fjerda right next to it provides more of a clue," you said. "Let me guess, jewelry? Jewelry was stolen by Fjerdans who managed to infiltrate the Little Palace and steal as much as they could grab?"

"Druskelle, specifically," Kaz said with a nod. "At the orders of their new commander. The aim was to make Grisha afraid, and so they did so by breaking into the one place where Grisha felt safe and stealing something valuable.

“They aim to strike fear into the hearts of all Ravkans,” you said with a nod. “The royals are just the start, as their new commander has said to the news. I’ve kept up with the news as their managing to steal Ravkan jewels is of interest to me--I haven’t the slightest idea how they’d managed it--though it seems that the royals are angry with it. Sources say that Zoya feels like she’s been duped.” 

"They are quite angry indeed," Kaz said. "Angry enough that they hired us. It'll be us three, Wylan, and Inej. Nina, too, but she's been working for the Ravkans since Matthias died so she'll meet us there.”

"What's the payoff?"

"Six hundred thousand kruge split six ways."

"One hundred thousand for a break in? Seems a bit generous from the Ravkans, doesn’t it?”

“It’s money borrowed from the merchant council. They’re paying us, essentially.”

"It’s boat and life forever spent at sea money," Jesper said pointedly, referencing a conversation you two had had over breakfast. 

You’d been watching Kaz's expression, saw surprise flit across his face for a split second before he schooled his expression back to neutrality.

"You've thought about leaving?" He asked. "What, do you just need an excuse to go?"

"I prefer to call it a reason," you answered with a shrug. "And no. Leaving Ketterdam is not something that I have thought about in depth, I only started thinking of it last night. Figured I could buy a boat ticket and head off somewhere new. I could use a refresh in the scenery, learn to walk a new city until I've memorized every path and shortcut. I need something different, Kaz. I've needed something different since we were seventeen, since I watched Nina climb into a sickboat and lay beside her dead beloved."

You looked to Jesper as he slipped a supportive hand into yours, Kaz's gaze hardening as he turned your words over in his mind.

"Reason and excuse. What's the difference?"

"Reason: you have decided I am unfit to remain on the Dregs, or you have decided that you hate me, or perhaps you love me and it is something you cannot face, so we come up with a solution together. The solution being my departure," you hummed. It was too easy to joke about Kaz being in love with you when you were in fact the one in love with him, but whenever you did, it made your chest ache. You wished he'd felt the same as you did. "Excuse: I find myself with enough money to afford a cheap boat ticket and quite the large townhouse in a port city off the coast of Ravka or Novyi Zem, even the Wandering Isle or Shu Han. It is with the knowledge of the money in my account that I make the decision to buy a boat ticket, pack up what little of my belongings exist in my room at the Slat, and go."

"Ah," Jesper hummed. "Well, if you do leave, promise to visit?"

"Summer and Christmas," you said, pairing it with a smile like that would've made it any easier to think of leaving. Just because it was something you’d begun to debate did not make it any easier to fathom. 

"Well, we're in for a week and a half of travel on boat," Kaz said. "To Ravka. We're meeting with the royals for two days to discuss how exactly we plan to pull it off."

"Where are we rescuing the jewels from?"

"The Fjerdan royal palace."

“I normally quite like a good gamble or two,” Jesper said. “Rather unfortunately for you, Mr. Brekker, I’m not seventeen anymore, and the knowledge that the odds are nearly guaranteed to be stacked against me does not sound exciting.” 

“Well, even as such, a sharpshooting Fabrikator is needed on this job and you are the best suited for it. You can still say no, Jesper, but you’ll be missing out one hundred thousand kruge if you do.” 

“Wylan will probably agree to come along. At least, if you’re putting yourself up against death, you and Wylan will probably die together,” you offered with an uneasy smile, giving Jespers hand a squeeze.

“Hand in hand, provided you get lucky,” Kaz added.

Jesper sighed. “I’ll talk it over with him, and you’ll have an answer by nightfall.”

“You’re in, correct?” Kaz asked, looking to you. 

You nodded. “I’ve still got more than half of the money from the Ice Court heist left. May as well add to those funds a bit before I take them with me when I leave.” You still didn’t know if you wanted to go, but it was better to talk like you’d made up your mind as it were. You didn’t like uncertainty, had no particular fondness for variables. 

Kaz nodded. 

Jesper let go of your hand and left, the door closing soundlessly behind him. 

“What of it, then, Kaz?” You asked. You did not mean to stay behind, not really, but you did. Kaz had more to disclose with you, as always, though it was something that went unsaid. 

You were the one person in the world that Kaz would--albeit a little begrudgingly and only when he was nearly black out drunk--admit he cared about, and as such, you always got more to it than Nina did, than Jesper or Wylan or Inej or even Matthias had while he was alive. 

But, you could not let that, nor how you felt about him, get in the way of your goal. You wanted to know as much of it as you possibly could before you fully committed before breaking into a palace that was located in the Ice Court, which, if your memory served, was a place with more security than any reasonable facility would’ve employed, even a place with a prison sector. 

The knowledge you’d long learned pricked in your chest, the thought that accompanied it bubbling up in your mind as you met Kaz’s gaze, saw the blue of his eyes reflected in the rare Ketterdam sun as it filtered into the room through the office window. 

Loving Kaz Brekker is lethal. Don’t get caught up in it.

“What of what, Y/N?”

“What of the plan?” 

“Why should I tell you what my plan entails when you plan to go once all is said and done?” 

“Reason versus excuse.”

“Reason: You are a valued member of my crew and to insinuate that I would ever want you gone for any reason, be it your feelings, my own, or the simple fact that I might deem you unsuited for my crew, is very insulting,” Kaz looked at you. Your heart quickened. “Excuse: I do not need to elaborate. I do not want to.” 

You shrugged. “Even if you don’t want to discuss it, I need to know just how likely it is that I will make it out of the heist alive, or I will walk away and I will encourage Jesper and Wylan to do the same. Royals be damned, I am done putting my life in serious risk overseas. I did it once three years ago, and once is starting to seem like more than enough.” 

“It’s not likely.”

“My survival or my death?” 

“Nobody is likely to survive, Y/N,” he said. “But that’s why we do it, because we know nobody will care about Barrel trash.”

“Nina and Inej are not Barrel trash,” you spat. “Wylan and Jesper are not Barrel trash. Just because the only people who care about you, me, Wylan, Jesper, Inej, or Nina are those who’s names I have just listed, does not make us nothing. It does not make us worthless.” 

“If you make it, buy a boat ticket, settle somewhere, and never think of me again,” Kaz said. “I could do without thinking of you, too.”

“The day that you let someone in, allow someone to care about you and let yourself care about them deeply in turn, is the day that my heart stops and I cease to exist, I swear to the saints.” 

“The rumor is that I am heartless, so you should remain alive for a very long time.” 

You said nothing, only scoffed and walked out of Kaz’s office, up to your room in the Slat.

-

Inej was at your windowsil by that afternoon, a grin on her face, a braid of black hair sitting on her right shoulder. She was wearing a black roughspun tunic and gray leggings along with a long black hooded coat to hold her knives and conceal her body while she scaled the buildings in Ketterdam, black boots that went up to the middle of her calf adorning her feet to finish the outfit off.

She looked exactly like what she was; a ships captain, one who always rolled her sleeves up to the elbow and had hands calloused from tying knots. She slipped through the opening of your window, vaulting gracefully off of it once she’d gotten her footing--you’d opened the window to let in a draft. The Slat always got humid in the summer and Ketterdam had a tendency for infrequent but strong breezes on days where the sun showed itself--and ended up a foot away from your bed.

“Kaz wrote me,” she said. “Though I assume it’s confirmed now, more than just possible?” 

“We’re breaking into the Ice Court again, yeah,” you said, nodding. “When did he send?” 

“Three weeks back. He had a feeling, according to rumor. I assume that he gave you the information while stone cold sober, though the letter he wrote to me read like he wrote it while he was drunk.” 

You scoffed. “I may be one of his closest friends, but Kaz Brekker barely tells me anything. The most I can think of in regards to hints is the fact that he mentioned it just the other day while he was whiskey drunk. Said that the Ravkans need something back, something very valuable. I was given no other context clues to this.” 

“You’d think for the one person Kaz Brekker will never truly let in, he’d tell you more than he does on the basis that he knows you’d never tell anyone a damn thing,” Inej commented. “Though, he’ll never let anyone in. It’s not his style.”

“Don’t I know it,” you said, sighing a bit. “Oh, don’t I fucking know it.”

Inejs face split into a pitiful smile. “Still?” 

“Five and a half years gunning,” you said as you stood up. You draped an arm over her shoulders, let her lead the way out of your bedroom. “Not stopping any time soon, unless I get a one way boat ticket to Ravka or decide to live there permanently after the heist.” 

“Come back to Ketterdam with me once this is through,” she said. “I’ll be staying two weeks to check out a couple of leads. Stay until I go, and I’ll take you with me to Novyi Zem. Drop you off in Cofton, where the decent houses are cheap but the good ones in the country are cheaper and have the better views of the sun while it rises and sets.” 

You opened your door, left the room. “Yeah. That’ll help me tie up a couple of loose ends, too.”

Inej laughed. “What, will you leave him a note?”

“Perhaps,” you answered with a shrug as the two of you proceeded down the corridor. “A letter is more my style, I think. It’ll make Kaz hate me--for thinking to leave with just a note, for not telling him goodbye officially before I place it on his desk--but it’s what’s necessary.”

“It is not,” Inej said. “You say that you’ll write a letter of goodbye to him now, but I know you. You’ll leave the letter behind after you’ve hinted at your leave, at the very least.” 

“No,” you couldn’t bear it. You could not say goodbye to his face nor hint at a goodbye, and that was something you’d realized as you thought of the heist that was to come throughout that day. It was something you realized as you thought of what would happen after it. “I can’t say goodbye to him in person. I can’t see that monotonous expression staring back at me while I’m close to tears and when he asks why, and I tell him I have loved him since we were fifteen, what then? How will I survive leaving Ketterdam--how will I survive saying goodbye to Kaz bloody Brekker, if I don’t do it in the form of written word?” 

“You’ll start by drinking a lot of brandy, knowing you,” Inej said. “I started my leave off by learning how to tie every knot the members of my boat crew could. I wanted to leave, well and truly, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. I learned knot tying, I wrote letters to my parents after Kaz had found them. I’ve never fully moved on from Ketterdam--I still love these streets and if I could die here, I would do so in the middle of a fight with the handle of a knife clutched in my palm--and I don’t intend to. You are not trying to move on from a city, Y/N. You are currently in the throes of trying to move on from a person.” 

You said nothing because you knew Inej was right. You were so tired of the yearning, of the constant pain that loving Kaz Brekker brought on. 

You loved Ketterdam. Well and truly, you did, but if you loved Kaz Brekker much longer, you were sure you would die of a broken heart. You did not want that for yourself--you did not want to be another one of the bodies brought out to the Reapers Barge and burned on the shores. 

You found Kaz sitting at a table on the bottom floor of the Slat where Inej found Jesper and Wylan, and the two of you split off.

“When do we leave?”

“So you’ve made your decision?” 

“When do we leave, Brekker?” 

“Three days time. Ravka first, then a couple days on foot. We’re using the summer festival as a cover up this time.”

“The royals will be celebrating with the other delegations on the White Island?”

“And we don’t have to move through the prison. It’s just a matter of getting in, getting to the palace and grabbing the jewelry and then getting out.” 

“You make it sound entirely safe,” you intoned. “Quite the opposite of what it is to be, I imagine.”

“One hundred thousand kruge is all any of us are getting after the split,” Kaz said. “Less money than breaking in is worth, but I convinced the merchant council out of thirty million once. I’m sure if I ask Nikolai to give us a better offer for our time, he will be the one stuck convincing the merchant council. It means there’ll be more time for me to wonder what I’ll put the money to.” 

“Expansions, investments,” you said. “More flooring at the Slat, the building next to it and a couple of construction workers to join the places together. Worth it endeavor if you think about it.” 

Kaz smirked at you. “A boat ticket, a farmhouse, jurda crop in the spring that you’ll sell in the fall?” 

You snorted. “Or no boat ticket, no farmhouse, no jurda. Maybe a house in the financial district and a bed that feels like laying on a blanket made from the fur brushed off of Samoyed dogs.”  

Kaz only shook his head in response, and a somber kind of silence settled over the two of you. A pang struck you in the chest as your eyes ghosted over his cheekbones, ran along the surface of his lips and down from his shoulders to his wrists to the tips of his gloved fingers.

He was looking at you in a way that you could not read or understand. Kaz’s expressions had always been unreadable, always something you had tried to understand when you thought over them. You could read his expression when you saw emotion flit across his face, but otherwise he looked monotonous. Annoyingly, handsomely, monotonous. 

He would never say it, but you could tell he wanted you to stay. It was present in the unexpected anger that flitted across his gaze whenever it came up, the sarcastic manner with which he discussed it. 

“If you want to leave, you’re welcome to go,” Kaz said. “I don’t need you to stick around if you don’t want to.”

“Perhaps I’m looking for reasons to stay,” you said. “Reasons aside from Inejs bi-monthly visits, reasons that do not primarily revolve around Jespers jokes, Wylans flute, or the rise and set of the sun.” 

“Well then, I do hope you find those reasons,” 

“And I do hope that if I do not, you’ll find time in your busy mob boss schedule to pay me a visit?” 

Kaz looked at the darkly stained wood of the table instead of saying anything. It made you want to punch him in the face, made you want to punch yourself in the face for daring to ask that of him.

 You’d dared to ask for some small admittance that he cared about you even slightly, and when did that ever quite go the way you wanted for it to? 

But then, after a couple of seconds, he spoke. “You’re to visit during the summers and Christmas time, if you keep to the words you told Jesper this morning.”

“Come visit me in Spring or Autumn,” you said. “If I end up in Ravka, it’s always quite nice to watch the leaves turn and fall to the ground during the autumn season, and spring means lots of rain, which isn’t too different from Ketterdams weather year round anyway.” 

Kaz said nothing again. You got up and spun around on your feet, heading straight for the bar. You needed a brandy and to not think of Kaz Brekker or the blue of his eyes or the sound of his voice for a minimum of twelve hours. 

-

The three days leading up to your leave were monotonous. You worked your shifts at the Crow Club, watched the sun as it rose in the mornings and and set in the evenings. You talked with Inej, laughed with Jesper and found solace in the music Wylan played with his flute. 

The trip to Ravka in and of itself was turning out to be just as monotonous. You’d taken to watching the waves, to closing your eyes and breathing in the cold air, listening to the sound of the waves as they hit the boat and rocked it lightly side to side. 

You were another six, maybe seven hours out from Ravka. The shore was beginning to show itself, a mere dot across the almost endless expanse of the sea. You’d stood, watching and listening to the waves, for upwards of an hour by then. Jesper had joined you at first, you’d discussed what you would do with the money--you were still contemplating leaving, where Jesper revealed that he and Wylan were debating buying a farm house in Novyi Zem so that they could visit his father in the autumn and help him sell the jurda he grew--and laughed as you shared anecdotes. 

But then, Jesper left. You stood in silence for the next thirty minutes, contemplating everything as it were. 

You remembered what it was like to fall in love with Kaz Brekker. It had not been easy. It had been a mess and was a mess even still, and it made you want to leave. 

Leaving, you quickly realized, meant moving on. Moving on, in the end, meant that you would probably fall in love with someone new and you would experience it all over again.

Could you handle falling in love again, though? You were entirely unsure of it. 

Falling in love had been a mess the first time. Once, you found, was more than enough, especially if it meant you went through a repetition of what you’d been going through with Kaz; a love unrequited and a flame never lit. 

Moving on almost sounded worse, though. You’d fallen in love with Kaz Brekker and, even as heartbreaking as it was, you’d grown used to it. You could handle loving him forever, never getting rid of the ache in your chest that he’d been the direct cause of, if it meant you never fell in love again and never had to go through it all a second time or a third after that. 

However, speak of the devil and the devil shall come. You barely had a second to register the sound of his cane against the flooring of the boat before he was at your right, cane leaned against the railing as he pressed his back to it. His gaze was skyward, pointedly avoiding the water. 

“What of it, Y/N?”

“What of what, Kaz?” 

You were not looking at him. You could not stand to look at him. 

“What of all of it?” Kaz asked. “One moment, you speak like you only ever want to leave and be rid of me forever, the next you talk as though you’re not going anywhere. What of it, Y/N? What of that?” 

“Nothing,” you said, shrugging your shoulders aimlessly. “Perhaps I speak like I do with the aim of keeping you on your toes. It seems to be working in my favor.” 

“Make a decision and stick with it,” Kaz said. “I cannot deal with not knowing whether you are to stay after all of this is done or if...” Kaz paused.

Kaz Brekker never paused. He never hesitated in anything. 

“If you are to leave Ketterdam behind,” Kaz finished. You looked over to him, saw a surprising bout of regret flash in his gaze before yours moved back to the water. “I cannot handle it.” 

“Well, you will have to handle it until my decision is made,” you said. “And besides, other than these random fits and starts, you have made no effort to indicate that you really do want me to stay. If you would like me to stay, just say it, Brekker.” 

A long pause passed over the two of you. Kaz felt so close, but like he was miles away all the same. 

“And if I do not?” 

“If I am being honest, whether or not you want me to stay plays a very little part in whether or not I will,” a lie. A complete and total lie. 

If Kaz Brekker asked you to stay in Ketterdam, you would have. It was quite as simple as that, but he could never know as much. You would never ever tell him that whether or not you stayed in Ketterdam was nearly entirely dependent on him because it would break your heart and harden Kaz’s into steel. 

You would be let go from the Dregs and forced to leave regardless, for Kaz Brekker loved nobody. He thought love was a weakness, and those who were weak had no place in the gang he’d built from the ground. 

“Then why does my admittance of whether or not I want you to stay mean anything?” 

“I told you once that the day that you allow yourself to care about another human being is to be the day that my heart stops and I cease to exist,” you said. You turned to look at him. “Perhaps I just want you to admit that you care, or perhaps I have a death wish. I shall leave that up to your own contemplation.” 

“If I asked you to, you would stay?” 

“If you asked me twice, I would consider it. If Jesper and Wylan asked me once, I would consider it further, but if Nina offered me a place to stay or if Inej offered me a place on her crew, I would yes on the spot. I cannot do this forever, Kaz.” 

“Do what?” 

You flinched, felt grateful that Kaz only turned to look at you after it had happened. You realized that you had said too much. 

I cannot keep loving you and wallowing in my heartbreak for the rest of my life, even as terrifying as moving on seems, even as terrifying as falling in love again sounds, you thought. 

“This,” you gestured broadly. “The heists. The near constant act of risking my life for much less money than even I, a criminal, happen to think it’s worth.” 

“So that’s it, is it?” Kaz asked. “You’ve made your decision. You’ll do the heist, you’ll collect what you’re owed, and then you’ll move on? You’ll forget about Inej and Nina, about Jesper and Wylan, and...” there it was again. A pause. 

“I did not say that,” you said exasperatedly.

“You implied it well enough.”

“I was not trying to imply anything,” you said, growing more exasperated by the second. There was fire in Kaz’s gaze. It made you want to kill him, made you want to kiss him, and made you want to shoot yourself in the foot all at once. “I am only trying to say that I will stay if I am asked by the right people or if I decide that I do not want to leave after all is said and done! I am trying to say that I do not know what I will do, and that if I decide to leave, you are welcome to throw a party to honor my absence! Saints know you won’t miss me, Brekker, if you’re so bloody emotionally cramped that you can’t even bring yourself to ask of me the one thing that might prompt me to stay in Ketterdam for at least another little while!” 

“I am not--”

“You are emotionally cramped like nobody I have ever seen in my entire life,” you said. You knew you were being cruel, but you decided you didn’t care. “You cannot bring yourself to admit that you care about people, and how dare you love anyone else because love is weakness even when you have more of a hold on Ketterdam than Pekka bloody Rollins did in his time. Love is weakness to you, Brekker, and I look forward to the day that you wake up and realize that love does not have to be weakness, but it can be strength if you would just listen to your emotions and let it be! Saints, you are awful.” 

“I am treacherous,” Kaz said somberly. “I know that. You know that.” 

“Well then, it looks like we finally have something in common,” you snapped. “I care about you, Brekker, and I care about you very deeply. All I need in order to stay is for you to finally just say it. Ask me to stay, tell me that you care, pretend to believe it when I lie and say that whether or not you do really doesn’t matter at all.” 

Kaz said nothing. You watched him turn around, turn his gaze to the water. You saw his gaze harden, realized he was relieving something painful--a memory he hadn’t told you about, so it seemed--and grimaced. 

“Caring is weakness,” Kaz said. “Weak is the last thing that I can afford to be.” 

You scoffed and walked away, not meeting his gaze as you headed belowdecks in the hopes of finding a bit of peace of mind and the will to rest. 

-

He found you in the palace a day and a half later. Negotiations had been completed, the carriage that would get you up to the Fjerdan permafrost in the preparation stages but nearly ready to go. You’d negotiated up from 100,000 kruge per person to 200,000 kruge. Not much, compared to the money you’d grabbed for the initial Ice Court heist--the theft of Kuwei Yul-Bo--but just in the realms of being good enough. 

“What are the chances we survive this, Brekker?” You were sitting by the lake, feet in the water. trying to calm your heart down. “How many of us are risking our lives in having agreed to this?”

“All of us are,” Kaz said. “Nina knows it just as well. Inej and Wylan and Jesper know it. We’re the only ones who are capable enough to do this job, and if you survive, you get a decent pay out.” 

You nodded. You’d known that all along, had figured that the odds of one of the six of you who remained dying were not quite the best. You just hoped it wouldn’t have been Kaz or Jesper. Had either of them died, your heart would’ve shattered in two with no large enough pieces to put back together again. 

“I’m sorry for what I said on the boat,” you were. Kaz might’ve deserved all of your cruelty, but you were still apologetic. A lot of what you had said had been heat of the moment anger, some of it just a little true but never meant to be said as you had said all of it. “I never meant to say it like that.” 

Kaz Brekker went still. 

Silence lapsed. It was a silence that went on for several agonizing, suffocating minutes, silence that had your watching the sun as it set encompassed only by the sound of your heartbeat thrumming in your ears, the almost silent sound of Kaz’s breathing as he sat to your right. 

It was suffocative. The silence you were experiencing in that moment had made you want to die like you’d never quite experienced it before. It was intense, a pain in your chest that you could only hope would go away. It hurt. You were hurting. 

“Will you go?” 

“I would very much like to as of now,” you said. “But I also would not. Thinking about it has become an absurdly repetitive process.” 

“If you intend to, find Genya. I’m sure she’d be willing to tailor away the crow and the cup tattoo that sits on your forearm.”

“If I am to leave, I will not get rid of it,” you said. “I will be keeping my crow and cup, along with the Dregs affiliation that it carries, thank you.” 

You were being sarcastic. It was the only thing you could will yourself to do in that moment. 

“How long will you go, if you decide to leave?”

“If I am to leave and not come back around to visit, I wouldn’t be expecting my presence for at least three years,” more than half of the time during which you had loved him was the amount of time you expected moving on from him to take. You didn’t quite want to move on, but you needed to. You needed to move on from Kaz Brekker, to stop loving him, or you would die of it. 

You would die of the love you felt for Kaz Brekker because loving him would’ve broken your heart in the end. There was no more escaping it, no more denying it. Loving Kaz Brekker would kill you whether or not that was something you wanted to admit. 

“Will you write, in the least?”

You let yourself grin. It wasn’t quite the ‘I care about you’ in the direct, forward fashion you’d hoped for, but it was enough. 

“I may,” you said. “I’ll enclose a return address so that you have no excuse when you do not respond.”

Kaz smiled. You noticed how rarely you actually saw him smile. You wished you were a Heartrender for a moment so that you would be able to listen to Kaz’s heartbeat instead of your own, and the moment passed. 

“Be ready at sunrise,” were Kaz’s parting words before he was walking away, the familiar sound of the click of his cane being the only thing you heard before you heard the familiar sound of Jesper and Ninas footsteps. 

Jesper joined you at the lake, pulled his trousers up a bit and put his feet into the water as he wrapped an arm around you, pressed a kiss to the top of your forehead. 

Nina did the same, hiked up the skirt she wore to her knees and dipped her feet into the water as she grabbed one of your hands, shot you a somber look. It had been the first time you’d had the chance to see each other since she left Ketterdam in a schooner designed to look like one of the ones that would go to the Reapers Barge, laying beside her deceased beloved. 

She hadn’t been too involved in the negotiating process simply due to the fact that she was busy tying up a couple of remaining loose ends in Fjerda, and while Kaz had been filling her in on the details you already knew, you’d been sitting by the lake or drinking tea by one of the samovars, wallowing within the depths of your own mind and trying not to resent every single second of it.

You wanted to cry. The first time you’d seen one of your closest friends in three years and there you were, wallowing in pity and in heartbreak because you had fallen for the worst person in Ketterdam who you could’ve fallen for. 

“What’s happened?” She didn’t know. You hadn’t told her.

Jesper had found out from one too many times finding you crying about it in your room at the Slat, but Nina had never seen you cry. She had never known about how you felt for Kaz because you had never quite gotten around to telling her in the hopes of avoiding her pity filled gaze, but you had meant to. You’d promised yourself you would tell her before the Ice Court and you just...never had. 

“He’s fallen for the worst person in Ketterdam that one is capable of falling for,” Jesper said. “And now, every time he thinks about that person, he wants to die because it is either A: continue to live in Ketterdam and exist in the pain that this person brings on, or B: leave and move on and debate coming back to Ketterdam three years from now while hoping that one look at the aforementioned person will not have him falling head over heels all over again.” 

“You fell in love with Kaz Brekker?” Nina asked. You turned to look at her, and there it was. The pity in her gaze. “Oh, Y/N. You glorious fool.” 

You laughed, a tired, sad laugh. “I know it was dumb,” you said. “But, if it helps, I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. It just kind of happened.” 

She gave your hand a squeeze. “He’s an idiot.”

“As am I.” 

“You two have that in common then,” she gave you a grin, and you grinned back, and for a moment you felt like you were seventeen again. You felt like the boy who laughed with Nina on the boat as you were headed for Fjerda, occasionally looking to her Fjerdan to find him glaring at you because he thought you were standing too close. 

You were the boy who looked at Matthias as Nina laughed at one of Jespers jokes and saw that it looked like he had stars in his eyes. 

You were the boy who flinched when Kuwei said that Kaz looked at you whenever you laughed or grinned the same way that Matthias looked at Nina whenever the sound of her laugh met his ears, denied it profusely because you had not seen it for yourself. 

“He’s Kaz,” Jesper said. “Never knows shit about shit with his emotions but he’ll figure it out once he lets his emotions in a little bit, if he does do so. Doesn’t want you to leave, which is clear as day.”

“He doesn’t want me to go, but he refuses to tell me to stay,” you wanted to die. you wanted to jump into the lake and die. “I wish he would.” 

“If he asked, would you say yes?” 

You would’ve. You would’ve stayed, for at least another little while. “Yeah.”

“So all that needs to happen for you to stay is for Kaz to ask that of you?” 

“Yeah.”

“Lovesick idiot,” Jesper shouted. “Saints, I know I might’ve been this bad with Wylan, but at least he’s never ripped my heart out a thousand times and still had the gall to ask me to stay with him. If he had, I wouldn’t’ve said yes. I would’ve vowed never to speak to him again. You are a lovesick idiot.” 

“I know,” you said. “I legitimately yearn for death whenever I think about it too much, it’s just that--”

“Kaz Brekker is your first love,” Nina said. “Letting go of first loves is never easy for anyone.”

“The thought of leaving and moving on is terrifying to me,” you admitted. “Falling in love with Kaz was scary enough. Moving on just means getting over Kaz and doing it all again with someone new.” 

“Yeah,” Nina nodded. “Trust me, it’s never easy. If you lose him, moving on will feel like a betrayal at first.”

“You can’t seriously think that--” began Jesper.

“It’s the bloody Ice Court,” Nina said coldly. “We went from seven to six the last time. Who’s to say we won’t lose someone else?” 

“It’s more likely than not,” you chimed in. “Let’s just hope we do our jobs well enough. In and out, no losses.”

“No losses,” Jesper said, cutting a flare at Nina. “We’ll make it.” 

“Making it out of the toughest situations is what we do best,” you offered, grinning slightly.

You didn’t know if you were right, but you had to hope, even if just a bit. 

-

Kaz and Jesper had been walking through the halls of the Fjerdan Royal Palace when Kaz’s mind wandered. He was thinking about you again. 

Just as he had been for four years. You, it seemed, had found a way to occupy all of the corners of his mind, sneaking up on him when he’d least expected it. He’d not found a way to stop thinking about you in the days since he’d begun to at sixteen, but at twenty, he was more than happy to allow that to keep on as it was. 

The thoughts were a bit of a distraction as Kaz and Jesper moved, but Kaz had set a quick pace and he was able to keep it up even when lost within the depths of his mind, so it didn’t bother him much. 

He was thinking of you again. 

He did not know whether or not you would stay in Ketterdam after the heist. He knew what he needed to do to incentivize you to stay, but he just could not bring himself to say the words.

He’d wanted to when it was first discussed in the weeks before, when you had brought it up as a mere possibility. He’d wanted to say it when you were in the Slat the same afternoon, had yearned to do so on the boat amidst your fighting and as the two of you sat by the lake. 

All that you had wanted was an admission from Kaz; a simple admittance to the fact that he cared about you--which, deep down, he knew he did. Hell, even on the surface, he knew he did. 

He’d started truly giving a damn when the two of you were sixteen and he had not stopped since. He’d liked you, at first, and then somewhere along that line, liking you had turned into romance. It had turned into a love that Kaz had always thought would remain unrequited. 

All that you had wanted from him was just “Fine. Yes. I care about you and I care about you deeply.” An admittance. Even a begrudging admittance would’ve worked, Kaz knew. 

What did you get instead? 

Caring is weakness, he’d said. Weak is the last thing that I can afford to be. 

Thinking about it made Kaz want to grab one of Jespers revolvers and use it to shoot himself in the foot. 

He remained unashamed to say that he’d had his idiotic moments but that moment was not idiotic. It was the next thing below it. It was the last thing he’d wanted to say to you right then, the first thing that came to his mind. 

He would’ve told you to stay if it meant you would’ve. He would’ve said it a thousand times over, but there was still the necessity of acknowledging that you did not quite know what you were going to do. You did not know whether or not you were going to stay in Ketterdam and it was entirely too unfair of Kaz to ask that of you if staying was not what you wanted to do. 

Kaz Brekker was not going to ask you to stay if it meant that he was making you feel like you had been forced. He was not going to ask you to stay if you really did want to go out and see what the world had to offer outside of the streets of Ketterdam, all of the familiar walkways in the Financial District and the abundance of alleyways and shortcuts throughout the best spots in the Barrel. 

He was not going to ask you to stay if it meant he was forcing your hand in the matter. If you truly wanted to leave, Kaz Brekker was not going to ask you to stay and get in the way of your yearning for a life outside of the Barrel and its depths. 

He’d wanted to ask you to stay, though. That much, he could admit. He’d really wanted to ask you to stay. 

But he had not, and he would not. Not if it meant he was getting in the way of some bigger dream of yours. 

Kaz and Jesper proceeded to take a left, run up a set of stairs, and move down a long corridor to the end of a long hall. The heist was simple enough. 

You and Nina had walked every corridor in guards uniforms the night previous, Inej had scaled nearly every corner of the building in search of a window that could be opened from the outside, only to find that all of them locked and unlocked from the inside. 

All that Kaz and Jesper had to do by that point was get the jewels, open a palace window that had been locked from the inside and give the jewels to Inej, From there, Inej would get the jewels to Nina and Wylan and you were left with distracting the guards to keep them from noticing as Kaz and Jesper slipped out of the palace through the entrance and left through the White Island exits, forged papers on their person so that they held up when they were examined at the exit checkpoints. 

Easy enough, when one discounted the fact that alarms sounded off in the palace every two hours during the summer celebration to alert guards to the presence of possible thieves. 

Kaz and Jesper were working in that two hour window, and even with how fast they were moving, getting to the top floor of the palace was taking a lot more time than either of them had anticipated. By the time they’d reached the top, they had only an hour and fifteen minutes to get the jewels out of the triple-locked safe the royals had stored them in, exit the room and get down to the bottom floor before escaping without being noticed. 

The first step was unlocking the window and pushing it open so as to allow for Inej to slip into the room. 

The room that the safe was in was a perfect representation of Fjerdan honor. icy white tiled floors, pristine white walls, clear windows displaying your average scene of snowy Fjerda and the mountains beyond the Ice Court and the palace. The safe was the same depth of black as the bulky Druskelle wore, the key lock on the window just a bit darker than the safe had been.

Kaz cracked the lock on the window first, grateful that it was a simple lock that only required a key and could be picked with one of the lockpicks that Kaz had managed to tuck into the inner pockets of the rough spun coat he wore. That cut down on time significantly, made it less likely that he was to be risking his own life, though the risk had always been the fun part. 

“Jesper, you get the window,” Kaz said as he moved to the corner of the room, resting the lock atop the safe that stood at six feet tall. “I’ve got fifteen minutes to crack the safe before Inej gets here, and it took us forty five bloody minutes to get from the bottom to here. We’ll be running on borrowed time with the more of it we waste.” 

Jesper heaved a sigh, opened the window. He and Kaz both bristled at the harsh winters breeze that flooded through the room with the action, though Kaz’s gaze was already on the first of three locks, eyes scanning the room for clues in the numerical code.

“You’ve not asked him to stay,” Jesper said as he began to scan the room as well, eyes searching at the same time as his hands moved under windowsils and along walls, in search of number shaped dents. “All that Y/N wants is for you to ask him to stay and he’ll do it.” 

“That’s the elephant in the room, isn’t it? Him wanting me to admit that I care and my continued refusal?” Kaz asked, eyes going to the ceiling, squinted, searching for a number combination. 

“Fjerdan queens birthday?” He asked. 

“October eighth,” Jesper said. “Thank Nina for that one.” 

“No thanks are owed. The code on the first lock is six digits, and with luck, October eighth presents itself as four at most,” Kaz said. “Did you notice any numbers while we moved?”

“You had us moving like bolts of lightning. Of course I didn’t.” 

“We walked six floors,” Kaz began. “Two flights from one floor to the next including the lead up to the palaces. Two flights per floor is twelve flights at minimum. Did you count the steps you took?”

“Twenty steps per flight,” Jesper said with a nod. “Try 621220.”

Kaz input the code, and to both his and Jespers collective relief, it worked. 

The next lock was less simple. It was a more complex version of the lock on the window, three key locks that needed to be unlocked in four second intervals. When one wasn’t prepared for something of that sort, opening them was akin to walking through hell twice and then exiting to find you’d only left the previous circle and gone into the next. 

Kaz input all three lock picks, got the first free, then the second and the third. He could feel Jespers gaze on him as he stood by the window, listening for the distinctive silence that meant Inej was just around the corner. 

“I’ve wanted to ask him to stay,” Kaz confessed as he examined the third lock. It was another set of triple locks that needed to be unlocked rapidly, four seconds one after the other at minimum. There were two sets, and Kaz had to hope that they were programmed as two sets of three. There was also safe code that needed cracking. It was a word that time, thankfully. “I have, and I have almost done it several times.”

“Then do it,” Jesper said. “Forgo all fears of weakness and just tell him you want him to stay. I don’t know if you’re in love with him or what, but if you are and you don’t at least ask him to stay in Ketterdam for the sake of the waffles and the views, he will go and you will lose him forever.”

Kaz only turned his gaze to the safe. “Word of Fjerdan significance?”

“Djel,” Jesper said. 

Kaz input the code as Inej slipped through the window. “Talking about Y/N, I would assume.”

“Jesper is,” Kaz said pointedly. “He’s doing most of the talking, actually.” 

The code did not work. 

“Maybe it’s more than four letters,” Inej suggested. “Try honor. Pride. Druskelle. Loyalty. Murdering innocents.” 

Jesper gave an ungraceful snort at Inej’s last suggestion, and Kaz only shook his head, though he could admit that he’d found it amusing. 

Kaz typed in pride first, then when that didn’t work, typed honor. He took a deep breath in when the code scanner gave a warning that it was the last time a code could be inputted before the lock reverted to it’s original coding--a code set during the manufacturing process, one that had been changed by the royals since the locks purchase. 

He typed in his last hope. Druskelle.

The screen on the lock turned a bright green color, and relief flooded the room as Kaz grabbed the lockpicks and situated them in the first locks, moving with deft hands and feeling almost at ease as the first set of three locks clambered to the floor and sat around his feet. He repeated the process, putting the lockpicks in and working the locks within four seconds, feeling relief flood his system as the locks fell to the ground.

The final of three doors opened, and Kaz was back in his rhythm. He took all of the Ravkan jewelry that he could see in the safe--several emerald necklaces, an antique tiara worn by one of Ravkas previous queens and each Fabergé egg that had been taken--and passed them to Inej, who put them into the bag she’d had on her back and reminded Kaz and Jesper of the time of the rendezvous and the rendezvous point. 

“Jesper, it’s best you go,” Kaz said. “I’ll relock the safe and meet you at the rendezvous.”

“If you don’t make it--”

“Provided that I make it to the bottom floor, Y/N will have my six. Stop worrying.” 

Jesper only shrugged. “No mourners.”

“No funerals.”

Kaz did not watch Jesper go. Instead, he closed the first of three doors and got to putting the locks back in their places. He had a job to finish, money to collect, and someone to ask to say in Ketterdam on the way back home.

-

Kaz was on the bottom floor, close to the exit, when the alarms went off and two guards saw him, firing off two shots rapidly. Kaz was able to get one of the guards with the gun he’d thought to hide in the pocket of his coat, though he missed the shot he fired at the other. 

Kaz was disoriented as his eyes moved rapidly around the corridor, searching for an out at the same time as he tried to take inventory of his injuries. 

He’d been shot in the arm, if the burning pain in his right bicep was of any indication, and it felt like he’d been shot in the stomach as well. 

“Oh, you’re a Ketterdam criminal,” said one of the guards as he approached. “Brekker, isn’t it? You’re one of the hot shots in that wretched Barrel spot?”

Kaz didn’t say anything, eyes continuing to rove around the corridor as he took cautious steps back. He realized he wasn’t looking for an out any longer, but instead trying to find you in a sea of black guard uniforms.

I am going to stay alive, Kaz thought. I am going to make it through this. I will not die without telling him that--what? What will I tell Y/N? 

“Kaz Brekker,” Kaz said. “Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands. Pick one.” 

A shot rang out from somewhere nearby. 

“Who’s on your crew, Brekker?” 

“The worst of the worst,” Kaz said with a shrug, trying to ignore the fact that he was losing blood and feeling in his right arm. “If you wanted names from me, shooting me in the arm and the stomach was not a good idea. How can I give you names if I fall unconscious and die before you have the chance to actually question me?” 

In response, Kaz recieved a bullet wound in his leg, one that made it harder to stand and near impossible not to lean on his cane. 

“That is more counterintuitive than you think.” 

Another shot. 

“Looks like one of your buddies is comin’ round to save your arse,” said the guard. “Too bad you’ll be dead before they get the chance.” 

A third shot, though that time it went through the head of the guard who had been taunting him. 

“You really can’t go one Fjerdan mission without risking your life?” Nina asked as she, you, and Jesper came into sight. “Saints, Brekker. I thought Y/N had a death wish, but it seems you do instead.”

“Can you walk?” You asked as you approached. Kaz realized he was sitting on the floor, having fallen at some point without realizing. “Ghezen, these wounds are bad. You can try, but you’ll fail.”

“I will not--”

“You might not have a choice, Kaz,” you whispered. “You need to be able to walk or I will have to carry you out.”

“We could just leave him here to die?” Nina suggested. 

Kaz watched you turn around and glare at her, knowing that the fury in his gaze likely seemed futile to Nina.

“I am not leaving him here,” you said. “No. That is not an option that I am willing to consider.”

Kaz blinked, fighting off his exhaustion as you draped one of his arms over your shoulders and helped him to stand. He felt the bare skin of his wrist against your shoulder as you got to moving, and instantly, it felt like he was drowning.

The waters were rising again. He could hear Jordies voice somewhere far out, feel the water at his ankles and quickly rising to his knees. He wanted to die in that moment, yearned for it more than he did anything else. 

But he was going to leave the Ice Court alive or not at all, and he refused to stay, so he forced his gaze to the ground. He reminded himself that your heart was still beating. He focused on the sound of your breath, in and out. In and out. Alive. You were alive.

Kaz had been trying to work on his touch aversion since he was seventeen. There were good and bad days both, but it seemed that that day was terrible, that it was Hell incarnate. 

He wanted to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to ask you to stay in Ketterdam despite the fact that he did not want to know whether or not you would. Kaz Brekker needed to tell you that you’d consumed his every thought since he was sixteen years old, and he needed you to understand that he was fine with that. 

As he slipped into unconsciousness, hearing only the sound of your voice as you begged for a medik to see to him, Wylans voice as he asked Jesper what happened and Jespers voice as he explained, he was thinking about you. He needed to tell you everything. 

-

The following few days were a blur. Leaving through the exit point with a medik in tow, getting to a hotel and eventually heading back to Ravka in a carriage. Kaz had pockets of consciousness and every time he woke, your name was the first thought to enter his mind and the first word to leave his lips. 

When he woke in a bed in the Ravkan palaces, he found you at his bedside. 

“The money has been split six ways into the offshore bank accounts we were set up with during the first Ice Court heist,” you explained as Kaz looked at you. “I told Nikolai to talk to the Merchant council again, demand an additional fifty thousand for each of us.”

“On what grounds?”

“You nearly died,” you said. “You deserve 250,000 kruge for that. The rest of the crows deserve the additional compensation because they know that they’re worth more than 200,000.”

“And you?”

“I don’t deserve it,” you said. “I’ve taken to the habit of not believing I deserve anything good as of late, but I figured that Nina, Jesper and I saved your life and that does count for something.” 

“Thank you,” Kaz said. He wanted to ask you to stay. He would not. “For saving my life. I owe you.”

“You owe me nothing,” you said. “I cannot let you owe me, Brekker.” 

Kaz turned his head. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to die. He wished that the guard had killed him while he’d had the chance. 

“You and the others will leave tomorrow at nightfall,” you said. “I wish you luck, Kaz.” 

Kaz did not watch you go, only heard your footsteps and the door opening and then closing. 

He turned again, sat up and took inventory of the room. It was a typical room in the Little Palace--lots of windows, bright yellows and warm blues. There were lamps burning high, and from Kaz’s first guess as he looked out the window, he assumed it was early morning, the last hour or so before the sunrise. The clock hung on the wall parallel to his bed confirmed his suspicions.

The only thing that looked even slightly out of place was the letter placed on the pillow to Kaz’s right. His name was on it, and the letter was written in your hand. He picked it up cautiously, began to read.  

Kaz,

I am writing you this letter because I am a coward. I am a coward who would not be able to manage saying my goodbyes to you, confessing all of this, watching your heart become steel while mine shattered into a broken, unfixable mess. You may call me cruel, you may call me cowardly, you may choose to never reach out to me again. I will understand whatever choice you make, and I hope that you choose to cut contact. It’ll make moving on easier. 

I have loved you since I was fifteen years old. I cannot handle it any longer--the yearning, the heartbreak, the constant reaffirmations that you cannot care about me, that you refuse to let yourself.--and I have chosen to leave. 

I have loved you since I was fifteen years old and if I keep going as I am, the heartbreak that I feel day in and day out will kill me. When you read this, I will have explained that the money is in the offshore accounts you set up during the first Ice Court heist, and I will have told you when you and the others are to go. Jesper and Wylan are the only ones who know I plan to leave. 

I will see you again as I have things I need to grab from the Slat before I go, but I ask that you do not acknowledge me. I am trying to move on, as much it breaks my heart to do so, and moving on will be a lot easier if you just pretend I do not exist.

Best regards, 

Y/N.

Kaz didn’t have much time to react. He only set the letter down, closed his eyes, and willed himself to go to sleep again. He could save reacting to the letter for later if it was to be so necessary. 

-

A week and a half later, Kaz was approaching Fifth Harbor with nothing but an ache in his heart and an extremely diluted sense of hope lingering at the corners of his mind. 

The minute he found you, the hope grew stronger. He willed himself to move forward, found himself standing at your left just minutes later. His hands were gripping his cane, the typical coat gone so that he didn’t die of a heatstroke in Ketterdams summer humidity. 

He was wearing a white button up with the sleeves rolled to the elbows, black slacks and a black tie. He looked like a relaxed version of himself, though he was anything but relaxed. 

“You wrote me a letter in the presence of a goodbye,” Kaz said. “In your letter, you say that you couldn’t’ve done this in person. You said that you couldn’t bear to watch my heart turn to steel while yours broke. You didn’t even give me a chance to say goodbye, and you’ve been avoiding me while you’ve packed up the last of your things that were in the Slat.”

“I told you to act as though I did not exist.”

“And I listened for two days,” Kaz said. “You didn’t give me a chance to say goodbye to you, Y/N. I have more to say to you and I am not going to be saying whatever it is that you think I will be.”

“And if I assume you’re professing your love for me?”

“Well, it’s a very good thing that Inej is currently dealing with the spies from our rivals that are within earshot, then,” Kaz said. 

“My boat leaves in a half hour,” it hadn’t even docked yet. 

“Then I’ve got at least twenty minutes,” Kaz said. “I do care about you, Y/N. I have loved you since I was sixteen years old, even as much as I do not want to admit that. Love is weakness to every last person in the Barrel, and I could not have anyone knowing I loved someone else.”

“Even so, loving you has been--”

“A trainwreck,” Kaz said. “A medley of heartbreak and sorrow and near constant yearning. I know. Jesper has told me all of it, as have Inej and Wylan. They read the letter you left me and while Jesper and Wylan took a more direct approach, Inej was subtle. She would bring it up in ways that felt like I was being stabbed in the gut. I know that all loving me has meant for you is constant emotion, not all of them happy, and I accept that for what it is.”

“I have to go. I have to move on--”

“Stay,” Kaz said, desperation crawling in through his blood and being pumped straight into his chest. “Stay in Ketterdam. Just for another little while.” 

You turned to look at him. You finally turned to look at him. 

You thought on it for a while, until your boat had docked and you and Kaz were hearing the captain shout last call for passengers. 

“Okay,” you said, nodding. “I’ll stay for another year.” 

Kaz couldn’t help it. He grinned. You grinned back at him, and he felt his heart grow so light it could’ve left the cavity of his chest and he wouldn’t’ve noticed. 

You walked back to the Slat while talking of the next job and joking and jabbing at one another, though that time, it was different. Kaz had said as he needed to say. You were staying in Ketterdam, on the way to becoming a couple, and Kaz was happy. Well and truly happy for the first time in what felt like forever. 

[litrumi]

"A Drop of Light in the Night" (Catnap X Dogday): Beginner's Overview

I might as well make some sort of pin-able post for my profile for any fresh faces. Goose morning/aftermoose/ewening, I'm Litrumi. Or I guess "HeroicRumi" too, but only for Wattpad. The title you see above is the name for my fanfic (<- hyper linked to those words) and is my current project as a budding writer trying to figure out how to write.

Anyway, it's time to explain my first ever Smiling Critters story involving my favorite duo fixation right now. Currently termed the "Understand Me AU" but that might not be all there is to it...

In essence, this story is about a lonely Catnap, trying to find his place in the world. Notably, these are the cartoon variations of the characters (as the world setting is basically like the cartoon itself, too), but BEAR IN MIND that all depictions of these characters are 18+ (but the stuff involved is "not 18+" if you know what I'm saying. It's JUST hand holding, hugs, and kisses around these parts). I don't care one eeny weeny tiny bit about the "actual lore" and refuse to acknowledge any of the non-adult characters or their spirits or whatever the heck- from the game. I'm forming a wholesome and dramatic narrative based on concepts that I personally like, so I'm picking and choosing what I want to be in my story. With me so far?

Putting that aside, all you need to know is that Catnap is seen as "mysterious and creepy." All of the other Smiling Critters are simply off-put with him because they think he's too "scary and dangerous." But truth be told, Catnap has never done anything to actually make them think all of this in the first place. In fact, he's tried time and time again to be a "good friend," whatever that means, since it's not something he knows about for sure. Yet, none of the others are willing to give him a chance at all. Not to mention, they hardly understand anything he says. You see, when Catnap speaks, the way that he talks is just too "intricate and complicated." He uses too many big words that basically confuse the heck out of everyone. It's hard for any of them to really know what he's thinking. No matter what he does, all seems hopeless for the poor cat...

Well, things WOULD be hopeless if there wasn't a certain canine leader that hangs out with him every so often. Dogday tries to include him at every turn, and he tries to get the others to believe that the feline isn't so bad. He's the only one who trusts Catnap, being the only one to give him his attention at any time of day.

One night, Catnap expresses his bitter feelings of being such an outcast of the group. He tells Dogday that he just wishes he could be "normal" like everyone else. The dog thinks for a moment, wondering what options there were. Then, an idea strikes. "Why don't I help you?" The dog asks of the purple critter.

...And the rest is history.

-Starting Characterization-

(s.) Catnap:

-He's seen as "mysterious and creepy" but the truth is, he's JUST misunderstood, he never asked to be hated or feared: ->He actually just really wants to be everyone's friend!

-Starts off in the story with complex language one might expect of another intelligent critter (*Cough* Bubba. But honestly he might give Bubba a run for his money on being "smart"). Gets lessons from Dogday on "how to talk like everyone else."

-He's actually very observant since he doesn't have many "friends." He watches the other critters play and get to know each other better, all the time. So he knows a little about them, but nothing really on a personal level.

-The only person he trusts the most is Dogday, seeing as he's the only one he gets to talk to on a regular basis.

-He does HAVE the red smoke ability, but... For some reason, he really really REALLY hates the idea of using it. He's not entirely sure why. (But his own "dreams" leave much to be desired).

-He wants to be able to see himself as a real member of the Smiling Critters, being a good and normal friend just like all the rest of them. (But for the time being, he has a ways to go).

-He's very logical. A "clever cat" if you will. But he proves to be someone who actually "overthinks" at the best of times.

-He doesn't really understand emotions, or rather, other people's emotions. He might not even understand his own as he hides them from others, feeling that he would just be a burden to them otherwise. He feels like everything "has to make sense" in one way or another. But he has a lot to learn about his "own feelings."

-Has his own history that he can hardly recall.

-"Admires" how amazing Dogday is, seeing as he wishes he could act more like the canine than himself.

Example Quote(s):

"It feels a tad wrong to forgo vernacular in favor of time efficiency and risk a chance of misunderstanding."

Correcting himself: "It feels... bad... to... um... not say... what I really mean...?"

+

(s.) Dogday:

-The leader of the Smiling Critters (naturally).

-He's practically already friends with everyone. But he can't wait to help Catnap feel included as someone who could also be friends with "everyone."

-A headstrong, optimistic softie with a big heart. He has a great intuition when it comes to resolving emotional conflicts and fixing friendly relationships, but he’s still naive and he might not really think things through at the best of times...

-He's actually EXTREMELY good at understanding others' emotions, having experience with so many different individuals across the board. But in turn, he himself can be quite the emotional sap. He hides it from the others, feeling that his feelings would be troublesome. But if there's anyone he does show them to, even if unintentionally, it's around his best friend.

-More than anything, he wants to be there for Catnap, who he can tell is struggling with a lot that he's been keeping to himself.

-He might actually have a few things he still has to learn for himself, but he's usually not his own priority. Typically, he puts others before himself. (He's a huge people pleaser).

-Easily impressed with any new thing he learns about Catnap. He may even aspire to be like the cat in some ways.

-He may already know a few things that Catnap hasn't realized... (Usually does not forget past memories).

-Potentially "already reeled in."

Example Quote(s):

"Yeah, because they all make me happy! Especially when I see them happy! Same goes for you, ya know! I really like seeing you too, Catnap!"

"I hope you can still rely on me... I'll be super happy whenever you can do whatever it is you wanna do on your own... but if you ever need help, I'm not going anywhere else any time soon."

== Characterization Over ==

That's all you gotta know as a first-timer who hasn't looked into the story yet! If there's anything to know about ME, well... I don't do "simple."

I'm always extra. Always. And if you think you've already got my story figured out... GUESS AGAIN. (I hope you didn't, at least-). After all, the goal is a heart-filled story with romance but also drama and unexpected detours! I can't give out happiness like it's candy!

If you take an interest in the story, then thank you so-so-so much! I know that the way I'm writing the characters is so much more different than all the other really cool and interesting ways I've seen others use them, but I'm still happy with what I have (and you never know... I just said I'm "extra"). For now, at least. I'd also be willing to clear up any confusions, should they arise, as long as it doesn't spoil anything.

And will edit various things as needed.

Take care!

-

New hyperlinks for relevant stuff:

Ability Compendium |

[emilija04acer]

Lackadaisy fanfics list <3

Recomendation>>>

Characters: Viktor, Mordecai, Nico, Seraphine

Lackadaisy Five by GreyRose24

Viktor Vasko’s first impression of Mordecai Heller is that Atlas has hired a scrawny kid to be his new partner. His second impression is that Atlas has hired a very irritating scrawny kid with something missing in either his head or his heart. Alternate title: five times Mordecai let the mask slip in front of Viktor and one time he didn't

Words:27,291

This is one of my favorites. I found it when I was searching for fics that had some focus on Mordechai's Jewish background. I like how the author depicted their relationship (not because it isn't romantic), they show genuine care for one another and I want to read more.

(If you like the ship see number 3)

This is the first part in a series of 5 works, I'd recommend this series.

2. Lackadaisy Communion by GreyRose24

The Savoy siblings’ first impression of Mordecai Heller was that Asa Sweet had handed them off to a rude bookkeeper to be their new leader. Their second impression was that the boss really needed to watch his back because their new colleague clearly had his own agenda in mind. Alternate title: four times the Savoys messed with Mordecai to get to know him better and one time they didn't. [Fluffy side story, fits around Lackadaisy Diable & Triad]

Words: 25,720

The final installment of this series was mentioned earlier. Even without reading the entire series, I found it possible to understand everything. I love fluff so this is the jam.

3. What Is This Feeling? by FOxFIRe_27

4 times Mordecai had some…confusing feelings about Viktor + one time it finally clicked.

Words:12,781

Actually wanted the 2 to be happy so it's a bit out of character, but it's sweet!

4. Frozen Hearts by meticulous-metzger (EdgeHedgeShads)

In an attempt to raise Viktor for a job without freezing his tail off, Mordecai decides to drive in the thick winter snow, only to have an accident. Irritated his young triggerman continues to be reckless, Atlas orders him out of the speakeasy and into Viktor's apartment to recover, leading to some awkward conversations, situations and a whole lot of bonding.

Words:5,948

Mordecai has an accident and Viktor takes care of him, Unfortunately uncompleted...

5. The Hotseat by meticulous-metzger (EdgeHedgeShads)

After a storage barn gets raided by a competitor, Mordecai and Viktor are sent out to wait for the perpetrators to make a second hit. Unfortunately, it's the middle of summer, and Mordecai isn't coping with the heat well.

Words:2,697

This one is a bit more... sweaty. Nothing too explicit, just the first kiss in the summer's heat. Again not finished... Damn!

6. Stopgap by Stariceling

Viktor and Mordecai look after each other, at least long enough for the bleeding to stop.

Words:2,223

A break from shipping, another platonic fic!

Mordecai took out his handkerchief again to finish the interrupted task of fastidiously cleaning the blood from his face. “That should suffice until you see a doctor.”

“No doctor,” Viktor muttered. “Alvays threatening to chop off legs.”

7. Lackadaisy Liaison by bubble_bees

Viktor couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment their relationship developed into this. It was natural. They gravitated around one another as if that’s what they’ve done all their life. Or: a look at Viktor & Mordecai's partnership, up until its rather violent end.

Words:2,143

The betrayal of getting kneecapped buy your dear friend. Poor Vik...

There should be more fics focusing on Viktor and Mordecai. On Viktor in general. Also on the Savoy siblings.

I know they aren't the main characters, it's to be expected but come on! Will I have to write? I want a fic in which Viktor gets an apology for being kneecapped into early retirement, well a longer fic than this>

I Know Those Eyes/This Man Is Dead by Lack-luster-daisy (cowgremlin) We are back to shipping.

Please write for the series! Finish them, please!!!

"Papa me want more movie!"

Why are there only 4 pages for Mordecai and Viktor (platonic) on AO3? Well looks like someone's got to change that.

[shitty-writers-blog]

THE ONE WHERE YOU ASK FOR HELP [EP.1]

I also am still getting to know Colter Shaw. He is being written as I depict him so far, and hopefully, later on, I will be able to know how to write about him perfectly.

Hey guys, this is my first ever fanfic. I know it's not gonna be the best, so please be nice to me.

Please feel free to tell me how I can write better and maybe send it request? I hope you guys enjoy/like this first part.

Colter x F! Reader

You had been pacing back and forth unable to decide whether to worry about your brother who you haven’t heard from in a week, usually he would call after he arriving to his destination, your brother had caught the traveling bug at a young age like you mother. Unlike you who hated the thought of traveling due to all the responsibilities you had to take in as a young teenager, your mom was always traveling to New places whether it was in the country or international, your father had decided to spilt from you and the rest of the family because he’d grown tired of your mother’s antiques. If you weren’t so protective of your brother you would have left with your dad as well, but because your brother didn’t want to leave mom you ended up sacrificing your childhood, your father still provided financially, but emotionally or physically he wasn’t present.

During all this you had your best friend Colter Shaw to keep you afloat, soon y'all started dating junior year and continued all through your college journey it wasn’t, until Colter decided he wanted to be a rewardist and travel to find missing people for money, you tried making it work, but you were exhausted at the idea of him traveling and doing the long distance thing so you did something that you never wanted to do. You ended things with him, as he was in the middle of proposing, he tried to convince you to work with him, but you explained your issues with traveling and then that was it you never saw or spoke to Colter again.

That is until your brother potentially went missing, you still had Colter's number at least you hoped you thought to yourself, you kept messing with you lips, with furrowed eyebrows, thinking deeply about wondering if you were being to overprotective, that maybe he was alright and you’re just worked up over nothing because let’s be honest your brother wasn’t the best at calling you to assure you he’s fine.

“Fuck it.” You said as you picked up your phone from your bed and scrolled at your contact list until you found his name Shaw you pressed call and as it started to ring your heart started to beat fast and loud, you inhaled and exhaled as you continued to pace in your room, as you were about to hang up, you heard his voice.

“Y/n? Are you alright?” you heard his voice with a lace of worry and confusion, you face palmed yourself wincing at how stupid you probably were- “uh, hello? Y/n are you there?” he interrupted your train of thought “Oh um, yeah hey Colter!” You said a bit more enthusiastically than you intended you cringed at yourself as you shook your head in annoyance why can’t you act cool for once you thought to yourself. “um, sorry to bother you Colter and I wish we would talk under different circumstances, but um- are you still doing that rewards job by any chance?” you asked hoping he would be able to help you with your situation, you heard a chuckle as he answered back a simple yes and asked what was going on with you. You explained to him the situation and he told you how lucky you were because he had just finished a job, he told you how he’d drive up to your place since he was 2 hours away, you thanked him and then hung up the phone.

I decided it would be better if I got dressed, so I took a quick shower even used my favorite scented exfoliator because why not. And did my normal shower routine, then I decided to do my routine that I always do after a shower. I decided to clean up a bit even though it was already pretty clean, once I turned my wax melt on I heard the door bell ring. I straightened myself and checked myself in the mirror to make sure I looked okay, I took a deep breath in and I exhaled it as I opened the door. “Wow! Um, hey, I uh got lost- how is it that all these apartments look very identical?” I laughed Stepping to the side as a sign for him to enter, he smiled as he entered my house noticing I had a shoe rack by the door and he started to take his shoes off. “Thanks for taking your shoes off, most people who visit never do and I’m always to shy to say something.” I explain while shutting the door behind me, he nodded and gave a small smirk, “well I’m very observant and I’ve known you since we were young, every time I entered your room I always had to take my shoes off. Only difference now is I don’t have my own inside pair of slippers to put on.” I frowned a bit at the memory, but let out a breathy chuckle, “I bought a new pair for my brother Chance, for when he crashed at my place. You two have the same shoe size so you can have those,” Colter smiled nodding as a way to silently thank me, I walked up to my little storage closet and got the pair out and handed it to him, he went and sat on my couch and I sat distantly close to him.

I looked at the floor nervously because this was the first time in years we’ve seen each other and first time seeing him, I realized those feelings were still there towards him, and the fact that he had a major glow up. I bit my lip trying to come up with a topic to converse, but my mind wouldn’t stop going down memory lane about how we used to be inseparable and the last thing I said to him was no to becoming his wife. There has always been a part of me that regretted saying no, to breaking up with him just because he chose to do this for a living and the fact that it involved so much traveling, I just couldn’t go through what my mother put me through with Colter. “Y/n?” I looked up confused at him, “I asked you to voice your thoughts.” I looked away a bit flushed at how well he could read me, I even thought for a second he was able to read my mind. “oh well, it's nothing, really.” I tell him making eye contact with him for the first time in 10 minutes, he raised his eyebrow as a way to tell me he didn’t believe me and gave me that look he would always give me that said to spill it or he’d get it out of me. I rolled my eyes and told him how annoying he still was, and that made him laugh, “yeah okay, I hate to mention this, but your brother, why do you think he’s missing?” I sighed, putting my legs up to my chest, looking at my coffee table, taking a deep breath and bolting myself up, starting to pace back and forth, telling him everything I knew and didn’t know.

[angelfiedyaz]

Hi, angelifedyaz! I hope you are doing well! I saw your call for Shaw Pack art ideas to bust through art block. First of all, I'm sorry you're experiencing art block. It is always tough to want to create but not be able to. Some general recommendations I usually make are for an artist to depict their favorite moment in an audio, their favorite moment in a fanfic, a moment they wish had been part of an audio of only it hadn't ended, or a moment they wish had been included in an audio but the action picked up after it occured. So, if any of those options resonate with you, please run with it! If not, I've looked through a few of my Shaw Pack headcanon lists, and feel this one probably has the most potential for silliness: https://www.tumblr.com/romirola/721228410168410113/headcanons-for-the-shaw-packs-favorite-carnival?source=share

So if it sparks any inspiration, you're very welcome to draw from it! Thanks for your consideration. No pressure to draw anything from this ask, or to answer it at all. Wishing you the best!

Not quite sure if this counts, but I've always wanted a scene of just being able to hold daveys face like this there's always been parts of audios where I wish this happened and it just never did. I love him so much 😫♡

Thank you so much to @romirola for this 'ask' it gave me the excuse I've always wanted to draw this

[cheolism]

Hiii I recently became a Carat and as an avid fanfic reader, I was wondering if there are any stories you can recommend!! I have no member preference, as long as there is an interesting story (longer the better, if there are chapters even better). And i love me a good smut 👀

hi sweetheart!! first and foremost, i recommend checking out the other authors of svthub. here you'll find a variety of svt writers!!! as of right now we're doing our spring collab, so def check that out!!! note that i only have a few members on here (gyu, joshie, hoshi, kwannie)? i didn't realize until i finished that i only had these four???? idk if this is my subconscious trying to tell me something but i'll continue to ignore it!!!

my personal faves are all reblogged under fic rec, but here's some that have stood out to me since reading~

spoiled by @wonusite ; KMG

"summary: you have never been spoiled, but that changes after you meet the man your mother is going to marry."

it's got four parts and is so fucking disgusting and wonderful it's ridiculous. it's seriously a marvel to humanity tbh and when aliens come and ask for a relic to prove that humans deserve to be spared from their alien wrath, i'll give them these fics <3

acouasm by @angelwoozi ; HJS

"n.) a ringing noise in your head — and it's just three words of promise whispered by yours truly during moments of sorrow, or moments of joy. the whisper also lives in the crevices of your mind during moments of pleasure, when he makes love to you, his true love."

it isn't necessarily long, but it is so fucking sweet and artful? in my tags i described it as truly belonging to the golden hour, and tbh i still stand by it. it's incredibly tender and freya's way with words reminds me of ancient greek and roman statues; there's an era in art called neoclassical, where artists mostly focus on depicting mythos and creatures from greek, roman, and christian lore. like, an angel with outstretched wings, her shawl expanding and wrapping around her, heaven's spotlight surrounding.

to the brim by @toruro ; KMG

"description: all your sweet husband wants is to put a baby into you—is that so bad?"

LISTEN mika writes some of the filthiest shit, i'm not even kidding. idk how her brain comes up with some of this stuff? somehow she KNOWS all of my deepest kinks and secrets and just writes them like they're NOTHING? truly a menace to society and we should all be on our knees thanking her.

bluff and nonsense by @thepixelelf ; KSY

"

“Soonyoung? Yeah I know him, you should too. He’s on the uni’s dance crew, and ever since he joined them, their popularity’s skyrocketed. I’ve met him a few times, great guy — got a tendency to run his mouth but hey, no one’s perfect. He’s smart anyways, probably knows how to deal with the consequences, right?”

or

Soonyoung never thought one bluff could lead to so much nonsense."

this fic fuckign RUINED ME. the others don't have as much plot as this, but even months after reading it still remains one of my favorite fics. i've been meaning to reread it? but i just haven't gotten to it, but i know i'll still feel the heartache and betrayal all over again, it's just that good. like it's so good you can feel the stabbing in your heart and tummy :(

vanilla by @milfgyuu ; HJS

"Summary: Joshua has a secret but perhaps it’s not really a secret at all. Maybe you’ve just refused to see it in an effort to keep your feelings at bay."

probably the dirtiest fic on this list. it's absolutely wild. there was NO preparing for everything in this fic? it's insane. absolutely insane fr. like -- even reading the tags can't prepare you. reader wasn't prepared and i really don't think ANYONE ever could have been.

stay-at-home husband/dad mingyu by @celestiababie

it's what it says! stay at home gyu who is willing to help his darling breadwinner spouse with whatever they need :) it's got multiple parts and such, and it's so cruel that it exists because it'll occupy my thoughts every once in a while and then i just have to stand there thinking about desperate little gyu whining while a teacher is talking. will change your life, 10/10 recommend

pussy sport by @duhnova ; BSK

"synopsis: leave it up to boo seungkwan to almost suffocate between your thighs, eat you out till you’re crying, and to figure out a new kink of his."

when i turn 108 and am getting ready to walk off the edge of the earth, and they ask me my secret to living so long i'll think back to this fic and smile, and then suddenly i'll be brought back to life. it's this serious. every once in a while someone on the svthub server remembers it exists again and goes feral. and i completely fucking agree, we should be going feral over boo seungkwan 24/7. to not be feral over boo seungkwan and this fic is a cardinal sin, and not the sexy kind.

[tsukimefuku]

sorry if it's been asked before but what are your top 10 fics??

Hey, Anon!

I don't tend to really list anywhere my favorites ~anything~, so I'll go from memory (as always).

Also, I'm terrible at big quantity, so I'll do a top "what I can come up with" instead (sorry 🥺).

These aren't listed in any particular order! I'll also @ the writers I know that are on Tumblr. All the fics are linked in case you guys want to go read them :)

Opening Pandora's Box by Nightowljane

This is a Gojo x Reader fic on AO3 in which both characters have a meaningful conversation about Gojo's and Geto's fallout (bisexual Gojo implied). It's a beautiful and quick read, I loved it with all my heart, the dialogue is incredibly well written, and God knows I'm a complete SUCKER for good dialogue.

2. The Ghost of You by Rampagescandal

This fanfic centers around Nanami's thoughts as he sits beside Haibara's lifeless body in Jujutsu High's morgue. I just discovered this gem today, and I'm ecstatic to recommend it (I'm still working on my comment on AO3, lol), and God knows how much I like reading stories about grief. First off: the MCR reference in the title? I mean??? I'M GOING TO CRY (I actually did while reading it). I don't want to spoil anything, but everyone is beautifully in character, and it addressed something I thought about for the longest time (how Nanami probably blamed Gojo to some extent when it all went down). It's a great and quick read, I highly recommend it.

3. Ikemen Kaisen by @rahuratna

If you wanted more filler episodes/chapters from JJK or are finished with the light novels but still need more canon-alike content, this is the one for you. While I was reading this, I actually felt like I was reading one of the light novels, and the characters depictions are so extremely on point — it still is, to date, my favorite fan depiction of Nanami ever. I mean, whoever follows me or has asked me about a fic I love has probably heard this already, lol. I also read this kicking my feet like a school girl. From their interactions to the world building, everything is just on point. Mwah, chef's kiss.

4. If art can be touched, will you let me hold you? by @seiwas

I read this in one go so fast. I'm so not normal about it. Firstly, the way the author weaved the motif all throughout the story was SO WELL DONE I could've wept, for real. Also, the parallels between sculpting, bread making and other things were amazingly well executed. This fic is on the very sensory side of things (at least for me), so it felt like I was reading living, breathing words — it feels alive. It's an amazing experience, and I'd totally read an entire book of this.

5. The widow's keeper by @pseudowho

I cried from beginning to end. I mean, is it possible to read it WITHOUT crying? If it is, please let me know. I'm very much someone who enjoys reading and watching media about grieving, so when this one appeared for me, it was an instant "yes sir please I want it". The most painful (and beautiful) thing about grief, at least for me, is the love that lingers on, and oh boy, it is beautifully woven into the story here. It's about guilt, grief, loss, and the life and keeps moving forward despite parts of the ones we still love being forever bound to the past. This one is also a must, do not skip it.

And that's it, I got to top 5. Hope you guys enjoy my recs :)

🦉