#and ultimately who cares this is for my own enjoyment first and foremost

[nanaten]

I'm sorry for not requesting a drawing with this space, but I just have to ask... what is the appeal of Clausten? I am not trying to be mean or anything, I legit am very curious.

I can kinda understand Nesscas, it's the result of fledgling mother fans from Smash going "these two would be cute together" (at least that's how I always took it, apologies if that seems rude), but Clausten feels kinda like... those same mother fans finding out about claus and ninten and going "gasp! leftover stripe boys" and mashing them together like... idk what a good term is for this.

Again; sorry for misusing this space, i kinda just want to understand this ship. Not dogging on you or others for enjoying it, just wanna understand it.

I suppose while I am here, I guess I could request a doodle of Lloyd. Maybe of him blabbing about Superman comic stuff to Ninten or what have you. Lloyd needs more appreciation.

Also sorry this may be a mess to read, it was just kinda stream of consciousness

Hi! No need to apologise, I think this is a very good question!

I understand that the ship, on a basic level, doesn’t really make much sense at all! It began as a crackship enjoyed by a small percentage of the mother community and slowly developed into what it is now— a ship with many enjoyers, but not many that know exactly why they enjoy it.

I want to preface this by saying, I do not speak for every person who enjoys Clausten. I am just one of many, and this is all my personal perspective. Thank you for enquiring about it, honestly, because I love speaking about them. So, here we go!

First and Foremost: It’s a crackship— so more than any other reason I can give, it’s just plain fun! These are two characters I love and adore with my whole heart, so it’s just fun to have them interact, and of course, it’s fun to view them as a potentially romantic pairing! Ninten is my favorite character of all time, and Claus is my favorite in Mother 3 specifically, so it’s like a personal wish fulfilment to draw them together.

It’s fun to not take strict canon all too seriously. I pull my silly guys from the source material and I mess around with them whichever way I desire B).

I definitely don’t think it’s entirely fair to view Clausten as, like, Nesscas leftovers either, lol. Ultimately these characters are all very different in terms of stories, how they’re written etc, and both ships have very different qualities that make them loveable in their own right! Liking ships like Clausten has alot to do with how you view these characters— What do you gather their personalities are, how compatible would they be, etc? And the way I characterize Ninten and Claus, atleast in my head, make them very compatible. (Ninten being adventurous, outgoing, snarky, and boyish, and Claus being similar— but more reserved, and more careful as a product of his experiences.)

And finally— I really think them as people— not my own view of their personalities, but judging based on canon events— that the two are very similar, and could find solice in their similar experiences. I think the characters are weirdly connected, in a way, for starters— Claus, if you think about it, is Porky’s second Giegue/Giygas. A new puppet, a new ace, a new strength that he takes away the humanity of.

Ninten, being directly related to Giegue, who I can imagine feels somewhat responsible for the corruption of Giegue alongside what comes after the events of Mother 1 , is also connected in some way to Porky, and then Claus. This is basically an extended way of me saying “Their stories are linked in the overarching tale that is the Mother series”.

Claus’s feelings towards Ninten would be complicated initially, or atleast I think so— for his inability to defeat Giegue weirdly, inadvertently caused a chain reaction that lead to the events of Mother 3. (Giegue lives —> Invades Eagleland —> Porky Gets corrupted —> Giegue is then defeated by Ness and Co by going to the past but Porky Escapes —> Porky goes to the future, Mother 3 time —> The Plot Of Mother 3 Happens You Get It). The two’s distant but important connection in the story of the games leads to some extremely interesting food for thought, or at least I think so. How would Claus view the situation? How would Ninten feel after finding out what happened to Claus? How would the two bond over this weird experienced they’re both tied in?

And that is made all the more interesting to me when possibly viewing it in a romantic lense, or atleast something that could become romantic. It’s complicated and messy and there’s so much history behind the two, it’s interesting to think not only about how they’d meet and how they’d feel about eachother, but how they would handle romantic feelings— how a relationship between two very troubled people could work and be okay, and help them mutually heal.

All this is to say, they’re tied in the story and I think putting the two in a romantic relationship is very interesting. Also, it’s just fun :’)

(This post is a TOTAL mess, it’s midnight and I should be sleeping, but I got too excited to write about them hahaha. Thank you so much for the question! Also, I’ll make my next post a big lloyd appreciation, I like to draw him. Thanks again! X))

[mask131]

I was listening to a video about bad fandoms and how they ruin media etc etc...

And every time I hear about someone's experience being ruined by a bad fandom I think about one specific thing. How newer and younger generations grew up with the Internet and with social media - and as a result, for them, a social interaction will be first and foremost about the Internet. As such, when they want to enjoy or appreciate a media, they go to the Internet, and seek discussion and aporoval there.

But... As someone who grew up before the Internet was a thing everybody had. As someone who grew up in a household where the Internet was only my mother's work-tool, and definitively not for children, and barely used - as someone whose first connections to the Internet were done in cyber-cafes and by libraries' computers only when I was a teenager...

I remember and lived through a time where all the Internet fandoms DID NOT EXIST. And then, you could enjoy fully a media without worrying about the "fans". Heck, I lived in a time where people sometimes never met other fans of a given piece of media until several decades after discovering it! The invasion of the Internet and the wild colonization of social media in our society tend to make younger generations forget that medias will exist outside of a fando, and can survive a fandom. That the fandom is a byproduct of a media's existence, and is NOT NEEDED to consume, appreciate or dislike a piece of media.

I mean... I can give you dozens of shows I watched as a kid and a pre-teen that I was madly in love with, that I bought merch for, that I did fan-art of. And all that without ever encountering any other fan or hearing anybody else's opinion about the show. I just watched it, enjoyed it, and went on with my life. One CAN enjoy a media ALL ON THEIR OWN and all alone. It was how people did it for CENTURIES before you.

You clearly see how new generations' minds are shaped by the "Share this video" logic and by the "Comment section" structure. They are so used to see everybody sharing their opinion, they are so used to only read or see the most popular opinions, they are so used to see a media being SURROUNDED by fan reactions, that they end up believing in some warped way that they NEED to be part of a fandom, or that a media is equal and interwoven with its fandom. When the truth is that it is not.

There are tons of excellent pieces of media whose fandom died a long time ago, and yet the media is still there ; and same thing with hatedoms. On the other side, there are lots of pieces of media that never even got a fandom to begin with.

The whole "Fandom is everything" logic (that many people live by unconsciously) is only a fragment of a wider "community" phenomenon on the Internet, where everything must be a "community" and there is no individuality anymore. But here is the lesson and the moral to take out of things: If a piece of media is good, you can enjoy it, even if the fanbase or fandom is "bad". When you like a piece of media, you are NOT forced to interact with other fans or to care what the fandom as a whole thinks. You can be a fan, and not feel forced or obliged to be part of any "dom". And if someone "ruins" an experience of a media for you, always try to remember what YOU like about the media, and your singular enjoyment of it, and your own personal relationship with it.

I speak of experience here because when I first started sharing things about Sandman on Tumblr, I got into a bad situation with a crazy, bullying, obsessive fan of Sandman. It was all a pretty pathetic situation on all parts - because I was a young teen who wrote too hastily some posts without thinking about how my words could sound, and the other was a much older person who was hyper-focused on being the ultimate authority on Sandman (this person still tries to be the supreme ruler of the Sandman fandom by controlling Discors servers and making their blog the number one source of information about Sandman). This misunderstanding turned petty feud left me with a nasty and bitter taste that prevented me from sharing anything Sandman related - and did kill a bit of my Sandman joy... But I didn't left that ruin me. I wasn't going to leave one bad, rotten piece of mind make me unlove something I adored before. Because this is a person that exists OUTSIDE of Sandman, outside of the comic, outside of the media, and that I could have never even met if things had taken a different path.

I was bummed out that I couldn't share anything Sandman related anymore, because this person was stalking every Sandman post on this website, but I had to set my mind right because for YEARS and YEARS I did not share anything Sandman related, and it never bummed me out before. I collected Sandman volumes each year, for special occasions and given sasons - I have a whole personal history and experiences with this comic, tied to specific holidays like Christmas or gifts given by people that aren't here anymore. I was certainly NOT going to deny or renounce to a whole part of my life and to a personal relationship I had with a story, just because of some anger-prone person that clearly had a sorry life if they had nothing better to do than jump on the back of any foolish kid that miswrote something and yell at them like some self-righteous so-called teacher. A person I didn't even know, who didn't even knew the real me, and that I would never meet, and that I could easily block since their only presence was virtual.

[I also got a bit better upon seeing that I wasn't the only "victim" that had to suffer this person's slightly unhinged and very obsessive behavior, and that other reasonable person also got attacked - and I admit I laughed my ass off when I saw that this same person got a nickname around that they disliked but that actually described them so well from an outsider's point of view, it put into words everything I had felt and perceived from my few interactions. I won't say it here because I know it apparently hurts this person, and there's no need to answer misery with misery, but that was just something part of the whole crazy story]

Anyway after this very long digression - this is my personal story. For years and years I enjoyed Sandman as a comic, made it a yearly ritual, had personal experiences with it, all of that without meeting anyone else who knew or enjoyed Sandman (most people either being disinterested or laughing it off). And yet, because of this warped Internet logic that screws people minds, because one very present fan very present online was a bad person and attacked me on ground of me being some sort of "fake fan"... I should just threw these years to the bin? Certainly not! I love Sandman and it shaped some special events of my life, and that's something no one else will live, no one else will know, and that no one can "ruin" for me.

So no, I do not understand when people say that a piece of media couldn't be liked because of its fandom. A media exists outside of its fandom, before a fandom is born, and will probably survive said fandom. What truly happens to these people - which is something they do not actually understand, and that they need to realize, the same way I realized it - is that bad fans will ruin one's PERCEPTION of a show, will give a person bad memories of a comic, will ruin things around a movie or even cause trauma related to a cartoon. But when you consider things more carefully you will realize that a bad fandom in itself - that your personal bad experience with a fandom - won't change what the show or cartoon or comic or movie or anime truly is. Think about how you perceived the media before knowing about its fandom or before your bad interactions - and hold on to that, because this is YOURS and YOURS only. Try to imagine how you would have answered to a piece of media if you had no knowledge of its fans. Try to see and perceive a media while omitting all things that do not come from the media itself.

Ultimately, it is a question of not letting others enter in your head. What you do by letting bad fandoms "ruin" your perception of a media, is that you let others infect your life and warp up your mind and smear something you had, with their toxic, venomous, stupid, hateful behavior. It is a form of mind-invasion, similar to things like brainwashing peer pressure, and I think it is something people do not talk enough about.

Be strong. Do not let them win. Try to find back what is YOUR opinion and your feelings, truly your own. Or stand by your position and do not let people's bad behavior cut off yourself from the media. It is not because someone acted badly in a theater play's audience or an opera-house that the play or opera shown in it was bad. I think this is the most impactful metaphor I can come up with. If someone starts insulting everyone within a theater play's audience, will you blame the actors or the playwright for it? Will it forbid you from reading the play's script or from seeing another performance? Will you say to people "No, do not go watch this play, the audience is really bad"?

I hope this post can help

[zenkindoflove]

How did you get people interested/willing to read your fics when you first started? I enjoy writing for myself but I get discouraged when no one interacts with my stuff in any way.

Aww anon I really want to hug you. 🫂 I'm sorry you're getting discouraged.

I want to answer your question with care as I think that this is a very complicated question and emotionally hard for a lot of writers. First, you are not alone in wishing for engagement and not getting it back. This happens a lot. I would argue that in fandoms as saturated as ACOTAR, which I think you must be in if you're sending anons to me, it's actually quite hard to get noticed. At least in terms of my own 20 years of experience in fandoms, the ACOTAR one is huge. My early experience writing in fandoms were for much smaller, niche fandoms. Small fandoms are a lot easier to get people interested in your stuff because there is demand but not a lot of supply. So a lot of people are just grateful for having anyone write something.

I would say that is not the case in ACOTAR as has not been the case in other large fandoms I've written in. This fandom in particular has so many factions throughout the community of what sort of flavor of fan someone is. I imagine if you find a very specific niche, then it can feel like a smaller fandom but ultimately there is just so much content being made. It's hard for people to keep up and they will find a few writers they like and stick to reading their stuff and only their stuff. Basically if you have a preference someone probably writes for that.

So, how do you get people to interact? I think the real way is to make friends. Which is harder to do than to say. But when I first started writing 20 years ago, I quickly made friends with some other fanfic writers whose stories I liked. We commented on each other's fics and through our friendship we became invested in each other's writing. And when you have friends who will hype up your work and share it, that also can help others give your stories a chance.

I do want to emphasize something though. You should keep writing for your own happiness. I know, comments and likes/kudos are like drugs. It feels so so good to have people see your work and comment. But do not think if people aren't reading or commenting it means you're doing something wrong. There are a lot of reasons people won't comment. People read stuff all the time that they genuinely enjoy and then...just move right along. It takes effort to leave a thoughtful comment and sometimes people get lazy. At the end of the day, if you get enjoyment out of writing, you should do it. It's easy to compare yourself to others. You should keep in mind if you are just starting out, some of the people you are comparing yourself too have been writing for years, maybe even decades. They have a lot of experience under their belt when it comes not only to story crafting but also what their voice is. And once you know your voice, and you feel comfortable writing from that place, I think it can bring others to see your vision too and want to read more. So never stop writing. Even if you don't share everything, write if it calls to you. The more you write, the better you get at it just like any skill.

I do understand the discouragement though. I feel it too as I am not immune to the siren call of following my AO3 stats and checking my Tumblr notes. It's natural to want acknowledgement and praise for something you put a lot of creativity and effort into.

I think one thing to keep in mind, to sort of inoculate your brain a bit from the discouraging voice, is to remember that fandom and creating fanworks is first and foremost, a community exercise. In some ways, fandom never changes, but I have noticed some differences in it since I started back in 2006. Social media and chasing views and engagement has become very engrained in our online culture in a way that didn't exist back then. And I think some of that thinking has leeched into how we see ourselves as creators. We now have this idea of a "content creator" which is sort of this demonic, capitalistic creature in our psyche that uses relatability and parasocial connection to pull us into buying things. I can see some of this creeping into fandom spaces, which I hope we can mostly resist as fandom - to me - has always been an anti-capitalist force to take back storytelling and art from the powers that be and make it something that belongs to the people.

So, that is a very long, probably too political way of saying that when you make the goal of participating in fandom to be about making friends and connections and sharing things with each other that you make because you love it rather than seeking validation and entering the mindset there is competition, it helps with the very natural instinct we have to be liked and told we are doing good. But of course we want our butt pats. I know I certainly do. But when they don't come, I do have quite a bit of time and experience that tells me that even if I'm the only person who enjoyed what I wrote, that meant it was worth writing. The sting still happens but it's easier to bounce back from it and keep going.

So anon, I don't know who you are but you are doing good! You are doing something most people never try which is writing fiction. You are channeling your creativity and it's bringing you joy. That's the most important thing!

[glamgoblin]

I think he liked that someone from Kinn chose him, it seems I'm the only one who thinks that he would have married Tawan and had him as a trophy husband if his ridiculous plan to be the head of the family worked, because he thinks that in reality his dad would accept that he was gay. But I don't think she was in love with him either.

Hi Anon!

Thank you for the ask! I’m definitely exploiting it to give my over analysis of their relationship (sorry).

Let me just say with this pairing my reaction is first and foremost Thanks, I hate it.

I think you’re totally right though when it comes to Vegas liking that someone tied to the major family chose him. I think he revels in the fact that Tawan chose him and was willing to betray Kinn for Vegas, even if Tawan is unstable and likely not a reliable partner when it comes to complete loyalty. Ultimately, I think that Vegas wants to be seen as smarter, better, faster, stronger than Kinn.

I agree with you he totally would’ve kept Tawan as a husband (partially as a trophy husband because of Kinn) but I think there’s also a lot to unpack there.

So here stops the part where I’m directly responding to your ask, and starts the part where I devolve into my own disastrous meta.

I want to say that I don’t think Vegas feels true, undying, selfless, disney princess love for Tawan. But I do think he genuinely cares for him and on some level loves him. Which is terrifying, because he’s capable of a very twisted, corrupted type of love. And we see what he’s willing to do even when he knows what those emotions are (ex. Using love against Kinn even though Vegas would know what that feels like).

There are a few things that I think point to Vegas’ love for Tawan in the first scene where they reveal the plot mostly that Vegas reassures Tawan that he doesn’t feel anything for Porsche and the fact that he tolerates Tawan hugging him in front of everyone (until he throws a temper tantrum) even though he clearly doesn’t want to be seen being hugged.

The thing for me that makes me think some of Vegas’ feelings were genuine were when he shot Tawan (oohh this show has skewed perceptions of love lmao). Vegas took the time to make Tawan feel comfortable and loved before he shot him. He says thanks for putting up with me, which seems like gratitude for Tawn’s love in this case. It’s admitting a flaw, which for someone like Vegas doesn’t seem like something he would do even when he’s manipulating someone. We see him give the Italian mafia leader a similar pause before death, but again that was in some ways a sign of respect due to his position. Arguably, it could just be a Vegas’ likes to be dramatic before killing people thing, but I think in the case of the mafia leader it was a sign of respect because of his position and ultimately might be a sign of respect for Tawan here too.

Most importantly, VEGAS KNEW HE WAS WEARING A BULLET PROOF VEST AND STILL SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST! Like he had just been hugged by this man and very clearly would have felt the vest. And Vegas, trained killer and torture enjoyer, chose to shoot him in the chest not in any other part of the body. I don’t think he really wanted to kill Tawan even if he was ready to abandon him.

Lastly, and this is me grasping at straws and having read one too many theories for multiple fandoms, the mirror scene with the engagement. It’s possible that mirrors represent Vegas’ true self (and we won’t get into THAT metaphor). The only other time we see Vegas in front of a mirror is his creepy little dungeon scene after he attempts to assault Porsche. And he’s happy in that scene, he’s truly just being him. In a demented, creepy, way but still being him. It’s the first time we really see Vegas as Vegas. Then we have the engagement scene framed in a mirror. We see Vegas (narcissistically) staring at himself in a mirror again, but then Tawan comes up and he doesn’t move. We get to see a more honest side of him where he’s talking about loving Tawan while looking himself in the eye. That whole lying to yourself and everything. I’m still not sure on my feelings on it and I would probably have to rewatch the scene a couple of times to really know my feelings but that’s what my general overview is.

I think the father accepting them was more about Vegas than it was about Tawan. I’m guessing it is because Vegas is queer (which could lead into resentment of the major family being more accepting/less horrible), and wanting his father to accept who he is and who he loves. But it could also have been because of Tawan’s ties to the major family and Vegas wanting his father to see him as a leader who can take down (Kinn) and take over (Tawan) the major family. There’s probably a lot more to unpack there but that’s my initial thought.

Thank you so much for this ask and giving me a place to ramble anon! I hope you have a fantastic day!

[borkthemork]

2020 is almost over, and I had to be honest on something that had been on my mind ever since I started getting more active with writing, and just creativity in general.

I had always been a very productive-oriented person. I keep myself on a word count quota each day, I try to learn new stuff on the daily to deter from the precipice of burnout, and everything I do is me trying my best to churn out a heckton of content without being bogged down by me making excuses or having my anxiety kick my ass. Of course, breaks are important, but overall, I had kept myself careful regardless.

And what this year taught me was that I needed to go back to my roots: to why I started creating in the first place.

Because when it comes to social media, there is a potential to lose the reasons you keep going, and it took so long for me to realize what that feeling was called.

I thought it was burnout, I thought it was some form of self-loathing or a mental block that pushed me to be anxious, tense, and weary all the time.

What I ultimately found, was creative cynicism.

Chroma Moma, an artist on Youtube, had described what creative cynicism was in his video “How to fall in love with art again”. It is described as mistrust or pessimism toward creativity; I don’t just mean the definition of creativity itself or just the small portions of creating that you find tedious, but the entire process as a whole. And the moment I listened to what he had to say, what I was feeling clicked into place.

I asked myself numerous times on why I started getting more and more cynical with the writing process. I sometimes joked to myself that this work was shit, sometimes not its best, and that if it was placed under the scrutiny of a hundred or so people I would need to work hard to give it some sliver of recognition. And that was where it started. Instead of doing things out of the sake of my own wanting to create, for the sake of making me happy first and foremost, I began to orientate fully to making content for other people instead of myself. 

One wouldn’t notice at first because the process was slow-going. It always feels the same toward the beginning, until it grows and grows into something fatiguing, back-breaking, to the point that you wonder if you even love doing the things you do. You created things for Inktober, but now your body and mind are tired, and you keep looking through the notifications to see who interacted with it. You wrote something on Ao3, you allowed it to rest for a few hours, and your curiosity got the better of you and checked to see if there were any hits or comments or bookmark tags. You created gifs after hours of editing the space, the colors of the visuals, and you only get a few reblogs and likes. 

It’s hard when the reality doesn’t jostle to your expectations, but it’s even more heartbreaking when you go back to the works you’ve done in retrospect, and notice how your enjoyment wasn’t there throughout the process. Instead, you created them because you felt obligated to, like a creative machine running on the remaining sliver of oil you have in the engine.

Hell, writing this down sometimes makes my brain ponder on how to make it appealing to the algorithm, to make people see and agree with it, even though it’s just me originally trying to place down my thoughts in a messy written format. And that’s okay, nothing about this post has to be perfect, so my brain needs to take a chill pill and calm down!

What 2020 told me was that, I had to take a step back, and set up some boundaries. It’s a slow process for me, since I am pretty stubborn when it comes to interacting on social media, but I don’t need to take massive leaps to get to somewhere better — sometimes it could be imagined tiny hops, or little stepping stones. Sometimes it’s just making a folder to write stuff that only me and me alone could look through. Maybe my documents or projects don’t need to have the sexiest prose or style on the block, or even that much grammar or spelling to have it be meaningful. 

Maybe I could create something imperfect, without even justifying its existence to anyone, not even to myself. That would be enough, wouldn’t it?

[roxannarambles]

Firewatch Review: Where There’s Smoke

This is a repost on a new blog. The original post was on Mar 4, 2016.

Contains major, major spoilers including endgame. Do not read if you haven’t played!

When I first started into this game I thought it was a horrifically depressing introduction. It opens telling a tale of a man and a woman who fall in love and it’s a lovely story and then the woman falls ill from a rare hereditary disease and slowly gets worse and loses her career and the man loses the wife he knew and struggles to care for her and it’s fucking awful. Then the game opens with the man– you– taking up a summer job in a park near Yellowstone. He’s done this to get away and have some time to think about his life.

He works in a watchtower. Lone rangers station in these towers to watch the horizon for signs of fire. He has little to do but keep an eye out and sit alone in his station up there. His only company is his supervisor, in the nearest watchtower over, whom he speaks to via walkie-talkie. (these are the days before cell phones) Her name’s Delilah.

All I was really told about this game is that it involved exploration and was story-centric. And that’s an accurate description. And while it starts off with a rather depressing backstory, the main part of the game is not all bleak and bleary. It is a story about the interaction between Henry and Delilah. There is a mystery plot involved in the game as well; the game starts off with small park dramas and tasks to ease into things, then develops a mystery, which eventually gets rather intense. But entwined with this mystery story, always central and foremost, is the character-driven plot of these two.

The voice acting is fantastic, and the writing is excellent, so it carries well. Dialogue writing is certainly not everyone’s strength, but the writers here did a very good job. The two characters have excellent chemistry; it flows naturally and is very enjoyable. The quips and interactions are fed in small bits steadily throughout the game as you explore, providing an enjoyable regular stream of interactions. It’s a satisfying blend of exploration and conversation.

The game is atmospheric and beautiful to look at, and that’s not something to dismiss either. Those factors really do add something special to a game.

And here’s the thing. I fell in love. It was such a compelling story. And the characters felt so real. I found myself deeply engrossed in the mystery and unable to stop. I found myself deeply emotionally invested in the characters and I truly cared about them. They were relatable human beings. And I loved Delilah. She was the light in the dark. The beacon in the middle of the loneliness. My lighthouse; my watchtower. Quippy, caring, flawed, human. I shared my troubles with her, and she listened.

Early on in the game, one of the conversation responses caused Henry to say something that annoyed Delilah and kinda offend her a little. I had accidentally overheard a phone conversation she was having (she left her walkie-talkie button depressed) and it sounded like kinda maybe she had been talking about me? So I asked her, were you talking about me? She was confused and surprised at the accusation and no, it had just been a conversation about work, and besides, was that really any of my business?

So the good mood killed, she stepped out for a while and I couldn’t talk to her anymore on the walkie-talkie. ‘Cause she was annoyed and didn’t feel like talking. And the thing is– I felt so bad. Like, I really felt sorry and wanted to apologize and felt I’d been a bad person for accusing her of that, and I wanted her to like me. And I didn’t want to be left alone. It was hauntingly quiet, unlike the rest of the game, when Delilah wasn’t there for company. I think this plot point was especially effective because it was in the middle of what had been at that point the deepest conversation we’d had so far, and we had been really bonding and sharing. But now I’d screwed it up.

Eventually Delilah forgave us for our rude question. And I cannot tell you how much of a relief it was. Heck, I thought I’d lost my chance and it would never be brought up again and I’d never have a chance to apologize, but she brought it up later. (She actually apologized for being so snappish over it, and said she knew what it was like to get too lost in your own head out there and start imagining things.) I felt so much better knowing we were cool again. It was that delicate part of a budding new friendship, you know, and I didn’t wanna mess it up. I really commend the game for including the callbacks to previous conversations. It enhanced the feeling of history between us and internal consistency throughout the story.

There have been many people online complaining about the way the game ultimately ended. In my humble opinion, those people are missing the point of the game. Indeed, with games like these, that have a somewhat open-ended conclusion (and there’s plenty of stories that fall into that category), how you interpret the ending and its meaning says a lot about the person who played the game. The whole point of an open-ended conclusion is for a person to think and draw conclusions, after all, but many people seem to fail to realize this.

One game that comes to mind is ‘Presentable Liberty,’ a game that you spend in a prison cell for the vast majority of the time, reading letters that are delivered to you. It had a very open-ended and nebulous ending. But that game made so many people think, and I think Firewatch makes you think a lot too.

I won’t lie, of course; I do somewhat understand where the critics are coming from. In some ways the ending did feel anti-climactic to me. It felt like it was possibly building up to something and that payoff never came. Yet … that experience in and of itself was fascinating to me.

Let me explain in detail. First of all, I reached the conclusion of the mystery plot. Plenty of people bitched about this online as well, but I loved the way it concluded. The plot was suggesting a very exciting but rather typical video-game story where a government conspiracy was uncovered that was studying human subjects (perhaps a psychological study of the effects of isolation in people), and Henry and Delilah were the subjects in these nefarious privacy-violating experiments. However, this “plot twist” of a secret government study ended up being a false twist. Instead, the story ended up in a less typical direction. As it turned out, the group of mysterious people behind all the spooky hijinks wasn’t that at all … it was one man. One lonely, desperate man living as a hermit with a tragic, awful secret he was hiding about an accident during his job as a fire watch. It was our fears and paranoia that had conjured up this imaginary, yet very real-feeling plot of conspiracy and subterfuge.

And I loved that. I loved that it was something driven by a simple lone man who was guilty and afraid. I loved that was the explanation, that it was something so prosaic rather than fantastic and fanciful. Like the best horror stories are about man as being the worst monster instead of werewolves and vampires, this showed the best mysteries were about human loneliness and desperation and guilt rather than complex conspiracies or extraordinary mojo. Indeed, you felt bad for the man who had been unintentionally tormenting us this whole time.*

After this conclusion to the mystery plot, hot on its heels– literally, because you were being chased by the spreading wildfire– was the conclusion of the Henry/Delilah plot. I was rushing out of there to rendezvous with a rescue helicopter so I could escape my post before fire consumed everything. They landed near Delilah’s watchtower, before I had made it to the rendezvous point– I’d been busy tracking down the ending to the mystery. She told me the helicopters would make another pass for when I got there, but … she might just leave now since the current copter was there.

“Wait for me,” I said into our walkie-talkie. I wanted to leave with her. Together. She was very reluctant when I begged this of her. But she finally relented that ok, ok, she’ll wait. I hollered I was on my way. I rushed as fast as I could.

I finally reached the spot– it was Delilah’s watch tower. The point in the distance I had always gazed upon but never had been to until now. But something didn’t feel right as Delilah was oddly silent on the walkie.

I entered the empty watch tower. I saw a small sign, “Pork Pond” attached to her wall and smiled faintly. I *knew* she had that sign. I put on the radio headset and called.

Delilah answered, in a tone that made it clear she knew I wouldn’t exactly be pleased to be listening to her voice over the radio waves yet again instead of seeing her standing there. She asked me not to be mad.

“I’m not mad, I’m just …”

“Disappointed?”

And yes. I was. That was it exactly.

It hurt. I genuinely felt sad and hurt that Delilah had left without me. It felt like she abandoned me. She stammered about having not want to meet me in the shadow of that poor dead child I had just learned about, but … it still hurt. After all we’d been through the least she could have done was waited. And you’ve no idea how much I had wanted to finally meet Delilah in person, dang.

But I pondered it after, and it made a lot of sense, her actions. She had been afraid to meet me in person, I think. It would have made the whole thing even more real, you know? If it was just over the walkies, fine. But … in person would have made it too real. Delilah was afraid of getting attached. Not just because she had had her heart broken by her long-term boyfriend and was afraid of getting close again to someone, but probably for more practical reasons too. Henry was still married, for Pete’s sake, and in a very complex situation with his sick wife. Any smart girl would want to avoid getting involved with a guy who’s still married. So her early departure and lukewarm response to me asking for her to come with me back to Boulder, well, it made sense.

As much as it had hurt for her to not wait, I understood and forgave her for it. In a way, I suppose, it may have made it easier for us both not to face the anguish of a relationship not working if we never saw each other in person to begin with. But … fuck. Had it been me, I would have wanted to see her in person anyway. I would have asked her to wait. At least for a goddamn hug.**

We spoke on the radio as I waited for the helicopter to swing back around to pick me up. We talked about our future plans. We both didn’t know what they would be. Delilah thought I should go back to my wife and do my best to make things right. Somehow.

And it ended once we were pulled into the helicopter.

People online whine that this ending was a 'cop out,’ not a real conclusion. I don’t believe that. I think the entire point was that feeling of uncertainty about the future and that missed chance at getting together with Delilah. Life is uncertain so often. We don’t know how to fix things, what to do, and what things mean. It’s our search for meaning that is so valuable. This game was a reflection of life experiences many can relate to. Not necessarily all the details– a wife that fell ill with premature dementia– but the general themes? Absolutely. This story is about people struggling to cope with loneliness, seeking to connect with others, struggling to deal with hardships in life, seeking purpose and meaning, seeking direction. And it does not provide solid answers at the very end, but that’s OK. It doesn’t have to. It’s OK if the players can provide some of the answers. Sometimes asking the questions is as valuable as providing the answers in a story.

And yeah, sometimes the guy doesn’t ‘get the girl.’ Sometimes relationships don’t work out. (Especially if the guy is still married and needs to deal with some shit before either staying with his wife or breaking up and pursuing something else.) That doesn’t mean our connection with Delilah that summer didn’t have meaning or purpose or value, just that … such things don’t always have a future as a long-term relationship.

I earnestly believe the ending to this game was fine as-is. I might even say it was a perfect ending. Although I admit I desperately wanted to meet Delilah at the very end***, I’m pretty sure my sense of diappointment and feeling of sorrow at not seeing her were kind of exactly the point of the story. All in all, it ended on a tone that was sad and nebulous, but not deeply depressing. There was still a sense of hope about things, and I think that’s important.

(Amusingly, much later I learned there is an option at the very end to NOT enter the rescue helicopter. It leaves without you if you wait long enough, implying suicide of your character Henry. Much darker option than the one I describe above. But again, in stories like these, it depends on player’s reactions, input, and interpretations too, and fortunately most do not have quite that bleak of an interpretation of the tale– and quite that bleak of a choice.)

So many of us sit alone in our own watchtowers, isolated, searching for any meaningful human connection we can come across. I think the themes of connection and isolation were masterfully explored in this game. You really fuckin’ felt it, you know?

And to me, it’s noble. That human beings stand in this intense loneliness but continue that search, and they sometimes find somebody. It may not always end well, but that doesn’t mean you should stop the search and that you won’t find another. Or even rekindle old flames.

Either way, you shouldn’t stop searching the horizon.

————–

Footnotes:

* That’s not to say the dude wasn’t guiltless in his actions. I think it was rather awful of him to just leave his poor kid’s body down in that hole instead of facing up to what had happened, going home, letting people and loved ones know what went on, etc. Also pretty stupid of the guy to pressure his son into doing that dangerous rock-climbing when the kid didn’t have the skills. But, ya know, you felt bad for him too.

** I should note, I have no idea if Henry should break up with his wife Julia (& tried things out with Delilah) or not. I had no opinion on it because who knows? Choices like that are friggin’ complex. Seriously.

*** And yes, I realize the game never had a model for her character anyway, so from a technical standpoint it would have been impossible, but it’s best to use in-story explanations for events, not technical explanations.

[daesungindistress]

How dare you crop out my logo from a video I *illegally* reuploaded and *claimed* I own. You just wait until YG deletes my account from a copyright violation which I am clearly doing for the whole world to see. You thought you were doing me a favor by hiding my credit so no one could trace my account BUT you'll be hearing from my lawyer about this because I am DUMB and wanna be caught redhanded like my hero.

lol, anon, you’re righter than you realize. Check this out:

Admits to ripping the video and distributing it unlawfully, knowingly violating copyright and going to great lengths to do so... yet has the nerve to complain about me “stealing” a few screenshots to share here on my blog without referring people back to her and her team. Modifying the video and slapping a watermark on it doesn’t give these fans the exclusive rights to the content. It’s okay for them to alter the video by, among other things, applying a tacky watermark, but it’s not okay for me to somewhat restore the video to its original form by removing it? Yeah, I understand that they feel stung; everyone wants to feel validated over something. But this “remove your post and reupload the correct screenshots with our logo” policing they’re trying with me, not just here but on Twitter too, is much ado about nothing. And it won’t work.

I have posted other screenshots from that Hawaii video here and left the logo alone because, though I didn’t love how it looked or the people it represented, I didn’t feel it was so in the way that it warranted me going out of my way to erase it. In this case, however, I removed it because I thought VIPs might like some fun reaction images for future use and that logo in all its yellow, red, white, and electric blue glory was awfully distracting against the backdrop of dark clouds and needed to go. It was first and foremost an aesthetic decision. Apparently “D’s Hoes Team” never got the memo that watermarks are supposed to be unobtrusive. Visible, but not jarringly so. That colorful D-kun with team name underneath in bright lettering stuck out like a... well, like a sore thumb.

Also, as I’m sure you all now know, there’s bad blood between me and members of the D’s Hoes Team, many of whom are OT5 (and one who I'm quite sure is a disgusting solo stan with contempt for the other members of BB, if her "keep licking the boots of hyung line" comment to me earlier this year is anything to go by). Removing their mark meant not giving people who I have deep, long-standing disagreements with any free promo. Yeah, make of that what you will. Disagree with it if you must. As far as I’m concerned, in this case crediting was not a duty but a courtesy. One I did consider extending to them, but ultimately, for personal reasons, chose not to.

For what it’s worth, I have purchased BB merchandise, scanned photos, put in the work of cleaning them up in Photoshop, and shared them online without applying a single mark or stamp leading back to me. This was years ago and I still see these images floating around in fandom spaces today. Gifs, edits, anniversary posters too. All not bearing my name or URL.

Why do this? Because contrary to what certain members of that team like to say about me, I don’t care about luring fans back to my blog and basking in their attention and praise. I care more about sharing content in its purest form without fugly, poorly designed logos getting in the way of others’ enjoyment. You could even say I’ve deliberately presented my work in a way that rejects notoriety. And when I see it shared somewhere else without credit? I’m just glad people like it! Namedrop me if you want to, but the way I see it, fandom becomes stuffy and stagnant the moment the easy and open exchange of content becomes stifled by mandates imposed by overstepping, entitled fans with no real authority to enact or enforce them.

[ladyvader23]

An Analysis Of "Missing And Presumed Dead" by HeartofStars

This was submitted as a submission, and honestly, as an author, I have never felt so honored. I do not cry, but I cried. To know something you’ve written has touched someone so much to write such a lovely, in-depth, super thoughtful analysis of it without being asked or forced to by a teacher... I’m completely blown away. 

I felt that HeartofStars put so much effort into this and it really touched me so I’m reposting, if only for my own self to look at in the future. 

And to my readers, thank you. I’m just writing because I love the drama that is the Skywalker family. If it brings any sort of enjoyment, especially during the insanity that surrounds us, I’m happy to share. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you know, I’ve been reading your wonderful story Missing And Presumed Dead since around the end of October, and have gushed at you about it in the comments and on Discord ever since. But instead of just squeeing about it for the millionth time, I thought I’d do something more: while I wait to find out whether Vader will indeed find Luke in time, I’m going to analyze just why the story is so good, using all my knowledge of film, media, philosophy, and Star Wars canon.

Ultimately, Missing And Presumed Dead is so good because it does several things well: it creates tension and conflict almost effortlessly, it places the idea of characters before plot without dragging down the plot,and finally, it is not only perfectly compliant with the characters the way they are in Star Wars canon; unconsciously or not, the story actually delves deeper into the characters, creates emotional moments that make us cry, and heightens our love of these characters.

For those who haven’t read this amazing story–and WHY haven’t you?–many, many spoilers follow.

First of all, let’s tackle the “characters before plot” issue. Before I dive into this, I want to make clear that I am in no way saying that Missing has no plot, or that plot is bad. It is chock full of plot, in fact; but the important thing to note is that the plot, first and foremost, is incredibly simple. In stories, the simpler the plot, the better; and the more the audience(the reader) can keep track of it and what is going on. Missing does that, and it also does something else: the hook is strong. A question often asked of screenwriters or filmmakers when pitching a story is, “Could you describe it in one sentence?” And in this case, the answer is, “absolutely.” In one sentence, the story is: following the events of The Empire Strikes Back, Luke is so determined to keep Vader from pursuing him that he fakes his death. There are other things wrapped up in this:

Does Leia know? Answer: Yes. She helps Luke fake his death.

How will Vader respond? Answer: Terribly.

But the reader will find those out as he or she goes along; maybe those questions are at the back of our minds already. They may even drive our interest in reading the story. But regardless, we only need that one hook: Luke fakes his death. That’s enough.

So we’ve established that you create a simple, powerful plot; and from there, what you do is essentially to good storytelling. You put the characters first. You allow them to drive the plot, instead of the other way around; and that, in the end, is what makes it so addicting to read. Luke’s selflessness is what motivates the plot point of him being captured by Black Sun. Leia’s love for her brother is what drives her to travel to Dagobah. Darth Vader’s twisted love for Luke and desire to get revenge motivates him to follow Leia to Dagobah, which in turn leads father and daughter to learn the truth of their relationship…and so on and so forth. Character motivates plot, at every turn; and yet, simultaneously, the plot is never forgotten. It is never “loose,” to use the term; the plotting is tight, leaving no room for plotholes, and yet there are none. (Much as I love the story, I did look for them.) Character and plot are woven together seamlessly, keeping us attached to the story and begging you to know what happens next.

Following on the first point, Missing And Presumed Dead uses this intermingling of character and plot to create intense conflict and tension. Seriously. I’ve read the comments, and everyone–including me–is BEGGING for another update as soon as the chapter is finished. That’s a sign of great writing! As the “guru of screenwriting,” Syd Field, says in his now-famous book on screenwriting, “drama is conflict.” And you sure love your drama. But there are two kinds of conflict that this creates; for the sake of this paragraph, we’ll focus on Darth Vader’s character. In the Hero’s Journey, there are two types of conflicts: internal and external, both different forces working on the character. The external forces are the easiest to create; they’re in the plot. Some of the external forces, for example, are Luke’s apparent death and learning that Leia is his daughter. But what drives him to take action in first trying to get revenge for Luke’s death, and then in finding Luke, are the internal forces. For this story, those are as follows: his guilt–over what happened at Bespin, and over what he did to Leia before he knew she was his daughter–his love for Padme, turned into intense self-loathing, a desire to keep his children from this fate, and finally, his conflicting duties as Sith and father. Eventually, these external and internal forces lead him to express to Luke that he cares about him, in one of the best scenes of the story, which moves the plot forward yet again.

And this leads into my last point, which has to do with the Star Wars characters themselves. What George Lucas wanted to do, in the 1970s, was created a fun adventure film based on serials he’d loved as a kid. And, on the outside, that’s what it looked like. Star Wars looked like a “kid’s thing,” which has led people to dismiss it as such; however, that is far from the truth. Lucas made it for kids; but he also poured themes of psychology and philosophy, stories from myths and universal truths that we all believe, into the story, so that when the same children who watched it in the ‘70s grew up, they suddenly saw those deeper themes, and loved Star Wars even more. This is, no doubt, why so many of us are writing Star Wars fanfiction…but I digress. You have an incredibly deep understanding of these characters, and the philosophy behind them; and THAT is the reason why we’ve kept reading this story, and why it’s grown in popularity.

Let me give you an example. Sigmund Freud, a psychologist in the early 20th century, invented a rather disgusting theory of the relationship between parent and child(namely, father and son because people were sexist back then): that a man’s deep, unconscious desire is to marry his mother and kill his father. It is called the Oedipus Complex, because those two disgusting things are in fact the plot of the ancient Greek story, “Oedipus Rex.” This, Freud claims, is the reason behind the rivalry that exists between a father and his son. Lucas, in the Original Trilogy, at first seems to comply with that; Luke’s greatest enemy was his father, in both a physical and a psychological sense. No doubt any young men who’d been forced by their dads to fight in Vietnam felt vindicated. But then, in the following film, Lucas flipped that idea on its head; the goal of the son, he says, is not to kill his father, but to reconcile with him. At the beginning of Return Of The Jedi, Luke has a need–this is another of those internal forces–to find humanity in his father, because that will mean there is humanity in him as well. It’s like in Lord Of The Rings; Frodo decides to try to redeem Gollum because it will mean that when the Ring is destroyed he, too, can come back.

And you play this out spectacularly. At the beginning of your story, Luke is terrified of Vader, horrified by him; but there is an unconscious need to know that his father is a good person, and more importantly, that he cares about him. So soon after ESB, however, he is tormented by memories of Bespin and ruled by fear; so, even when he is injured beyond belief he still believes that Vader is a terrible person, and rightly so, because Vader has given him no reason to believe otherwise. This ties into Vader’s character; as said before, he struggles with his duty as a Sith and his duty as a father. Essentially, it is the struggle between remaining controlled and becoming free, which is the belief of one philosophy of determinism; we are unfree, our choices determined by everything else, until the motives change and we are aware that we are being controlled. Vader, due to his characteristic stubbornness and self-loathing, does not believe he can become free; he only makes further demands of Luke, trying to tell him that he loves him, yet the words do not quite come out. But thanks to Vader’s relationship with Leia–which, by the way, is a fantastic subplot I did not in the least expect when I started reading this last October, as it delves into a relationship less explored in fanfiction–Vader is eventually able to “stop being a Sith for five minutes” and really talk to Luke. I think I mentioned this moment before, but it is beautiful; it is the moment when both Vader’s and Luke’s arcs reach their full crescendo. Luke learns that his father loves him, as he has unconsciously hoped for the whole time; and Vader learns to put aside fear and Palpatine’s influence and become a father. It made me cry, and it’s a moment built on everything I’ve mentioned thus far: your interweaving of character and plot, the dramatic tension of the story, and the way you stay true to the Star Wars characters. This specific dynamic between them inspired their dynamic in my own story, Family Finds A Way, that Luke and Vader both need these things from one another, they both need to become son and father, but have no way of expressing it because they know nothing about one another.

I believe Kierkegaard said it best: “In ethical terms, Abraham’s relation to Isaac is quite simply this: the father shall love the son more than himself.” This ethical duty is what Vader achieves; and, in turn, begins to improve on his relationships with both Luke and Leia(though he still has a long way to go).

I wish I could say more about this story; I want to say more about how you nail Leia’s character more than I’ve seen before, how you weave Han into the story in a way that is both dramatic and hilarious, how absolutely funny some of the lines are, how human the characters act. But I think I’ve said all this to you on Discord to you or in the comment section; and I wanted to touch on how this is not just fanfiction, what you’ve written. This is art, and I hope you know that it has helped all of us a lot, especially in these trying times, with the coronavirus and all.

So, maybe that was waay too long, but I am not ashamed! I’ve wanted to do a meta analysis of this story for the longest time, and since I’m not on Tumblr, this is the only way I could do it.

Looking forward to the next chapter, and hoping Vader finally manages to find Luke!

-HeartOfStars

[theyoungkleinwriter]

Writing Blind #22: Romantic Subplots

Yup folk’s, we’ve moved on to the one thing every single young adult novel seems to have these days; the glorious, sometimes messy, thing called the romantic subplot. Before I start I’d just like to say I won’t be going near the topic of the dreaded love triangle since I think that deserves its own time to shine. But still the romantic subplot will not go wanting as there is still a lot to discuss. Beginning with a definition the romantic subplot can be defined as a usually intimate relationship between two characters, one of which being the protagonist, that is secondary to the primary action of the plot/conflict. Now this is a very loose definition and not all characters will fit into it perfectly, however I think it covers enough ground to warrant using.

Now these subplots tend to follow a usual format of two people growing closer together to form some sort of relationship that the readers can find realistic and believable. This typically develops over the course of the story with the climax often coinciding with the story’s end. In all forms of media this is the moment where the relationship is confirmed with some sort of kiss or some signal to the audience that they are in a relationship. And then the story ends and we don’t get to see how the relationship pans out. GENIUS STORYTELLING!

But if I’m being honest this is one of the key thing’s with romantic subplots. A lot of them go into great detail of how the characters meet, how they fall in love over the course of the story and how they finally get together. However in real life that is only the first step into a relationship, yes its the most difficult part and its the part we, as readers, are most invested in but if you’re like me you may want to see what comes after. Of course usually we never do and in a lot of stories the established relationships can feel cliched. It’s why I love stories where the romantic subplot focuses on characters in existing relationships with genuine loving characters who care about one another. And although in those stories the subplot drama revolves around some superficial problem resulting from a lack of communication I still find them enjoyable to read. Of course the young adult genre is full of relationships that are mostly okay however some go too far in the wrong directions. My assumption is that most of you are well read and therefore I don’t need to go into detail as to why in romantic subplots things like assault and consent are not typically treated with the respect and seriousness that such issues should be treated with. In books where these things happen and are treated as part of a romantic subplots “natural” development I end up hitting my head against the wall: hard.

But not to digress too much this topic will never go away because as readers we are fascinated by any example of romantic relationships and oftentimes I feel these fiction relationships are used to act as role models. This is both good and bad for obvious reasons. But don't worry, I've found five key stages that should help any of you who want to include a saucy slice a romantic subplot.

Theme

Before you even consider writing the subplot you have to plan it, and before you plan it you have to decide what the focus of the subplot will be. This is where the overarching theme of your subplot comes into play. This comes first and foremost as exploring what is the initial relationship between the characters. Are they old friends? Are the rivals? Are the even enemies? Whatever it is you need to have a clear picture in your head as to how they begin. Furthermore you should look closely at what sort of relationship is it. Essentially how is the themes of the relationship representative of the overall plot of the story. Is it secretive? Is it based around betrayal or perhaps its about overcoming the odds. Whatever you choose just remember that the novels genre will play a large role in the decision as you should want it to fit the tone of the story.

Dramatic first encounter

This obviously only applies if they haven't met before and also dramatic is a bit of a stretch but there certainly has to be some sort of significance to the first time they meet. This is useful as it provides a chance for some excellent prose and can signal to the audience that the love interest is of some significance to the story. Better yet you can use this moment to also set your tone for the relationship by the ay in which they meet. Do they meet in the heat of battle clashing swords or is more that one of them slips on a banana peel right into the others arms? Again the freedom of choice is up to you.

Realisation of attraction

You know whilst love at first sight is good and has some interesting interpretations this doesn't mean that the realisation of attraction has to be instantaneous. Like life we usually don’t fall in love right away. Hell saying I love you on the first date is a big no no and a red flag if I ever saw it. For me the best subplots are the ones where they fall in love over time after getting to actually know each other; weird right? But I will say not to worry too much as depending on the genre you will only have a limited number of pages that you don’t want the subplot to completely overwhelm.

Conflict

Like I said earlier often with relationship in stories there is conflict. Real world relationships have conflict of course but it usually stems from two core things; a lack of understanding and a lack of proper communication. Often writers will tend to use a miscommunication as a point of conflict in a story as its usually a surface level problem that can be easily fixed. One common example I see is where one character emotionally hurts the other in order to protect them in some way, shape or form. Honestly I’d rather see more stories look at a lack of understanding as the source of conflict as most relationships I know have problems stemming from those issues. The only problem here is it shows the relationship is flawed and thus readers lose faith in it and the characters which isn't what a writer wants. Basically its just another risk that a writer has to use nothing but their charm and wits to navigate.

Climax

Yes, make all the inappropriate jokes you want to but its true in a sense. Most romantic subplots will end in some form of climax for the characters. of course this is always secondary to the primary climax of the story. I’m going to also lump this in with the story’s resolution as I feel in this case the two go hand in hand. Now with examples where the subplot ends with a relationship the resolution is typically some grand gesture or big moment like a kiss or proposal of some kind. In other examples where there were relationship issues the climax resolution can be the couple ending up back together. But again this isn't the rule. I’ve had my heart ripped out by stories as subversions of this are always saddening. Whether its tears of joy or sadness I’ll still be crying by the end.

Ultimately the most important thing to consider is that the romantic subplot is just that, a subplot. Not that it should be treated as lesser to the main story, instead think of it like a support beam on a house, or a narrative crutch, something to hold up the main story and compliment it by working with it. This means keeping it thematically relevant and present throughout. This doesn't mean go and constantly remind the readers every chapter but in chapters where it isn't the focus just drop a line or two the help to construct and build upon the subplot. And one more thing to ask yourself as both a reader and writer is this; what does my story gain from the addition of this subplot?

This has been TheYoungKlein and I’m writing blind.

[handmaidensofnaboo]

“Ultimately, it is very apparent this novel was noticeably, lovingly, and carefully crafted by a Prequel fan, a Padmé fan, a Handmaiden fan... Queen's Shadow is a fitting tribute.”

❦

Queen's Shadow had a somewhat impossible task for me as a handmaiden “super fan,” a potentially “tough critic,” so I commend E.K. Johnston for willingly providing me with an early copy to share my thoughts on it with you all... I was nervous about how Queen's Shadow would turn out to be honest, but EKJ was up to the task...

I'll preface this review by saying Handmaidens were my first real community engagement in fandom. My older sister and I joined the Royal Handmaiden Society on TheForce.Net boards back around 2001 when I was about 14. The RHS was the reason I went to my first convention (Celebration II) and although the group isn't as present online as it once was (please follow @royalhandmaidensociety​), I made life long friends and it forever shaped and changed me. It was an overwhelmingly positive fandom experience at a very impressionable age and for that I'm forever thankful...  So for those of us who have such deep roots to this, who have, for the past 20 years, analyzed the handmaidens’ every micro expression, every costume, and have carved out our own understanding of them (from what little information that would could find), this book might be a bit "complicated " to process.

 At least it was for me.

With the announcement of Queen's Shadow, I was of course initially ecstatic, validated even, that they/we were being seen and heard, finally!! Yet mixed feelings slowly sunk in too. Despite us RHSers long lamenting the lack of content—handmaidens unjustly being overlooked in both Star Wars official media and for a long time in mainstream fandom—it also became this amazing small community space for each of us to freely imagine and play in. It’s been a kind of safe haven I've come to greatly appreciate. With a book featuring them... That could all potentially change. This fandom could change. I found myself wondering a few weeks ago, "Will I even like these girls? Will I love these new versions of Eiraté, Rabé, Sabé...” Something I've previously never had to consider. My fictional friends were about to be exposed on a larger than ever level, and reshaped, officially, forever. I was worried.



I knew I had to go into this book open minded, no way could EKJ take each one of our different headcanons and fantasies and appease us all in one ultimate text—but to my surprise, there were certainly select striking scenes, moments, I had while reading, where (for me) she did accomplish just that.  

After both the prologue and the first chapter in particular (which were centered around my favorite Handmaidens, from TPM), I had to put the book down for a while because I was so overwhelmed in the best kind of way. It truly was so close to capturing what I have wanted all these years that I just wanted to bask in it. Maybe that sounds silly but even simply one chapter filled with handmaidens, is an overwhelming amount of content for us to receive, let alone an ENTIRE book. This little fandom is just so used to excavating for scraps. I reread the beginning of the book again the next day, out of pure enjoyment, before I continued on.



The unbelievable news, the great news... Something I can't believe even is real... Is that Queen's Shadow starts with handmaidens and ends with handmaidens, and there are handmaidens in… NEARLY? Every. Single. Chapter. I really never thought I'd never see the day. I’m stunned. Yes, they are different then I imagine them, but I'm happy to see them, I still like them, just the same. And Padmé, who has also been sorely ignored, unappreciated, and underutilized within general Star Wars media/merchandise, is also finally getting the spotlight she deeply deserves.

❦

Queen's Shadow is woven like an intricate tapestry threading together Padmé's stories throughout the entire prequel trilogy (especially the first two films), and highlights some of my favorite stylistic and thematic choices within them. Similar to the prequels (especially TPM) it reminded me of a period drama, with it's more formal dialogue, richly detailed costumes, ceremonies and politics, and admittedly a more contemplative pace than the swashbuckling fairy tales of the OT (but still engaging in it's own way). Also like the prequels, you get that occasional ominous foreboding, that sense of pieces being moved behind the curtains by shadowy figures, of unclear motivations by supposed "allies," of tragic destinies being spun—but still find yourself swept away by moments of hope and idealism, despite it all.  There is a particularly heartbreaking yet beautiful finale moment of this book with her that was so fitting to George Lucas' vision of Star Wars, it was, as he once said, "like poetry—it rhymes." Anytime something can capture that Lucas approach to storytelling, I am thankful to be reminded of why I loved Star Wars in the first place. (Especially in the Disney era years when I've felt a bit "post break up" about the franchise, to be honest.)

Queen's Shadow is foremost about Padmé's work, shifting and hardening herself into her new role as senator. It does justice to the themes and qualities that originally enchanted and inspired me about her: fulfilling her duty to her people, her compassion for vulnerable communities, and fighting for what's right—through language, through political and inner power, strategy, and unexpected partnerships. And as always, Padmé is luminous. 

There is one cause in particular she is advocating for that is notably poignant in its connections to TPM. I was incredibly pleased it was there, relieved even. It was so important and needed for her character. It enriches the choices she makes in the later films. And it is just one of a number of political themes in the book that are timeless and ever relevant, but wasn't inserted into the story in a heavy-handed way. I love that the main audience for this book (young girls), will get these meaty concepts presented to them through our beloved political heroine and the diversely talented women supporting her.  While we do see the various skills and character moments of Padmé and her handmaidens, I admit (and this is just my first read impressions) they all still did feel somewhat at a distance for me. I personally would've liked to have dug deeper into their personalities. I'm not sure how to properly articulate it, but I just felt a bit left "wanting more"—for more walls to come down, to have gotten further into their inner thoughts... But I think it's partly the challenge of the large number of characters, the book’s YA length, and a personal preference of writing style. Which, in EKJ’s defense, does compliment these particular characters, who have long had these kind of untouchable, unknowable presences, these masks over them (and she does address that). I think as I reread it, my feelings on may improve as I retain all the subtleties better. But if they remain elusive, that gives us room to fill it out with our own head canons, which is something many of us all ~clearly~ enjoy! It is part of their appeal, part of why we first loved them after all. 
It's also important to note the impressive attention to various Star Wars lore that is entwined throughout Queen's Shadow, from remnant gems of "Legends" handmaiden lore (and even RHS in jokes), to architectural details found in Battlefront II, to various appearances by Clone Wars characters... And many more I’m sure I’ve missed. Yet thankfully I can't recall any of it is done in a way that comes off as showy, elitist, or hard to follow (if for example, you're like me and admittedly haven't watched hardly any of the Clone Wars).  Additionally, here and there, there were some scenes or lines that didn't quite hit the mark for me personally, one minor set of changes from "Legends" handmaiden ages irked me a bit (we had so little to cling to ok! lol), frustration at already established lore (such as Panaka and Clovis, which EKJ can’t help), and other things that were simply just creative choices of the author (which of course happens for me with almost every Star Wars spin-off). 



Regarding the last point, that was the only other occurrence where I put the book willingly down, this time because I needed to get some space—to process something I decidedly didn't like. It was about midway through the book regarding a particular minor storyline. I don't want to spoil, but I will say it involved a new character that, for me, was taking up too much room in a book that already had plenty of amazing characters I wanted to spend more time with. I just felt he wasn’t exactly needed, or that others easily could've substituted his place and it would've been more meaningful to the lore.  These critiques are relatively minor however, and most of them are easy to move beyond, especially when I consider the bigger picture, and the majority of scenes, quotable lines, and pivotal interactions in Queen's Shadow that do seamlessly work. Those more than make up for the handful of things I struggled with.

 Ultimately, it is very apparent this novel was noticeably, lovingly, and carefully crafted by a Prequel fan, a Padmé fan, a Handmaiden fan. For this I'm deeply thankful, because it's easy to imagine if it wasn't—How poorly or sloppily Padmé could've been mischaracterized or the possible omission and/or confusion regarding the handmaidens… The latter of which BOTH the revered Dave Filoni and Timothy Zahn are woefully guilty of, (full offense). It hits me sometimes how so much damage could've been done were this in less capable, less attentive hands, with an author that would've cared less. EKJ clearly cared a lot. Minor issues aside, that's really what mattered most to me, at the root of it. So I'm very glad.



The more open minded you go in, the more you will enjoy Queen's Shadow, and (I say this for myself, as much as for anyone else who can relate) we can still make space for and enjoy our old head canons alongside to the new lore, or even mesh them together... I admittedly struggled a few times, but I definitely enjoyed reading it overall, particularly all the scenes on Naboo (and another planet that will go unnamed for now)... 

If you love Padmé, the handmaidens, Naboo culture, prequel politics—this book is a must read. The more time that passes, and as I reflect back, the more I feel that Queen's Shadow is a fitting tribute to Padmé and our handmaidens, let alone the prequel era itself. Queen's Shadow will be comfortably situated on my bookshelf beside our other established classics: Queen Amidala's Journal and Queen's Amulet, and I’m looking forward to revisiting it again when the audiobook comes out (holy heck we're finally gonna hear almost all the handmaiden names pronounced??! Have we been saying them "correct" all these years?? Stay tuned lmao...) I'll probably be posting my spoiler thoughts on Queen's Shadow after the book's release on March 5, 2019. Pre-orders are available online, though I really recommend purchasing it at your local independent book store if you can, and/or requesting your local libraries get a copy! Please share your own pictures/thoughts/reviews on here, twitter, instagram etc. and tag it. We gotta encourage Disney to give us more, because this book definitively ends with an invitation for a sequel or spin off of some sort, and I, a bit desperately, want it!!  The more we can support Queen's Shadow with the language Disney knows best ($$ and exposure) the better chance of future Padmé and handmaiden content, and they deserve it!! All of it—books, comics, Disney+ streaming miniseries, video games—Give them the legacy Rogue Squadron got. It's their time.



Again, thank you so much E.K. Johnston for creating this beautiful book, and going out of your way to provide me a copy. I'll always treasure that moment when I got that surprise package in the mail, a book nearly 20 years in the waiting. I was 12 years old again, that snowy day on my porch.



Can't wait to read everyone's thoughts. MTFBWY. ✨✨✨

Thank you for reading,

@handmaidensofnaboo​

❦

♕ Pre Order Queen's Shadow 

♕ Purchase Queen’s Shadow at your local independent bookstore

♕ Follow author E.K. Johnston: website | twitter | instagram | tumblr

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[pipesflowforeverandever]

14 for your fic ask meme. Is there anything you wanted us to learn from Hymns of Struggle?

Mm, this is a question that took me more off guard than I expected. Because like…I can say what my themes are. Easy peasy:

“Sometimes people with the least empathy can be the kindest; sometimes people with the most empathy are accidentally cruel.” “There’s different kinds of faith, both religious and nonreligious, both of another world and of this one.” “People that love you don’t always act in your best interest, even through their love, and with parents especially you might have to stand up for yourself and tell them they’re wrong even if they don’t listen- that there’s a chance they still might hear you and have a chance to change, but it’s also worth it for your own sake.” “People are naturally drawn to find purpose, no matter how bleak things are, no matter how alone they feel.” “People are complex and simultaneously ultimately want to be good, and so what ‘good’ means in both action and destiny vary greatly, especially in how they shape/reshape their relationship with themselves and with others.”

…I could go on, and I obviously have. A lot of the poetry in my story is sincerely just me laying out in different ways the themes of the story you’re reading, hoping that you find the complexity of it as enjoyable as I do.

…But that’s not really the same as learning something. That means there’s something new I hope people learn. Of course, if some of the concepts in the themes haven’t been encountered before, I can hope that the reader can take something from them in a positive way; that would be great! But these are all things that if you hear them out loud, you’re like “oh yeah, that makes sense, I guess.” So…is there really a lesson I wanted to teach? That question feels a lot more personal, because I think that has a lot to do with myself.

My original intent for the story was to write a self insert fic with the expressed purpose of showing my teen/preteen self that I can indulge with fiction in a way purely, without adulteration, 100% for myself. I’m not going to get into detail, but I retrospectively feel very groomed by media (as a woman especially) to degrade myself in order to have such an experience. I really romanticized abuse. It got so bad at one point that I felt I had to stop writing for the sake of my mental health, and it didn’t occur to me until seven years later that it’s possible to use such fiction and imagination to help affirm myself in a nontoxic manner. So I saw Sammy Lawrence- a then and now favorite character- and decided it’s about time to try again.

I ended up- with the help and consistent redirection from @aceofintuition, someone who understands what I intend for the fic very well- with a story about a woman who is strong in and of herself, and she helps other people be strong. Empathy is important and good, and kindness is arguably the most powerful thing of all. It has candlelight, and flowers, and hugs and tender touches, with people that look at the main character with softness and wanting better for her. I tried to both make her capable and reasonably adored/cared for as she gives them her care and adoration back. Willfulness and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive concepts. That’s…really a story that I needed to hear. And as I was writing it, I hoped other people- my age or not, and regardless of gender- were enjoying it and perhaps relating to it in a positive way. I also filled it with all the imagery and words that I really liked- even if it was really sappy and maybe out of place for the original game- so I enjoyed it as I did it and looked forward to writing about every single time I wrote. 

So I suppose I hope people learn that they can make the story they want to see, even if it’s a self insert fanfic, even if you don’t expect people to read it (hell, no one read my fic for the first two, three months I kept at it and I still found it great). What’s most important, first, is the fact that you enjoy doing it, and besides being sure you’re conscientious about people not like yourself represented in your story if you have them, that the joy of writing ultimately cycles back to you. I cannot emphasize enough that Hymns would not exist if popularity was my motivator in the first months I was writing it. I did it because I found it fun and meaningful. And I can only surmise that because I genuinely found it fun and meaningful, so did my readers. It’s contagious.

If you wanna write, validation is…amazing, I won’t lie and I can’t say that it hasn’t had a big hand in helping how much I enjoy writing and building up my self-esteem. But validation comes from you first and foremost, because that’s the source that matters more than anything else. You have ideas and stories in your head or on paper, and that’s pretty fantastic.

[awildpoliticalnerd]

Book Review: The Moral Animal: Why We Are the Way We Are: The New Science of Evolutionary Psychology. By Robert Wright. (1994).

Robert Wright’s The Moral Animal is a look through the field of evolutionary psychology--at least as it stood at the book's writing in 1994. It's a promising work with a lot of insight. However, it can best be analogized to the peacock: If it survives, it does so despite the massive disadvantage of some obvious maladaptions. In the case of the peacock, the adaption is its oversized tail (or "train" as it's often referred to). In the case of The Moral Animal, it's Wright’s own unexamined moral and ideological biases presented as fact that lowered its potential. 

The big sell of the book is actually a rather interesting premise: Take the most famous proponent of the theory of evolution (Charles “the Chuck” Darwin) and use his life to demonstrate the principles of evolutionary psychology. Want to illustrate the theory that men are less biologically inclined towards lifelong monogamy thanks to our disproportionately small part in the baby-making process? Highlight the fact that Darwin literally sketched out a cost/benefit analysis of getting married in his notebook. Want to argue that young siblings should be both predisposed towards rivalry and cooperation thanks to kin selection? Give some (admittedly adorable) examples of Darwin’s many, many children. Because of this, the book was part popular-science exploration of a then-burgeoning topic and accessible biography on one of the most important scientific minds to ever emerge from the primordial ooze. When done well, this was the book at its best. It was discursive, informative, and enjoyable. It kept me engaged over much of the book’s nearly 400-pages.

(Lest someone use the opening example as evidence that I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about later in the review, let it be known that I know that the mystery of the peacock’s train was solved with the insights of sexual selection--that peahens select males with large trains because possessing one shows that the males have got to be pretty dang "fit" to survive with such a glaringly obvious disadvantage. Writing thematically consistent introductions is hard; I claim some artistic liberties here).

There are two core ways that this plays out throughout the book. The first is the odd insistence that every possible point that Wright could conceive of making in this vast subject was exemplified by good ol’ Chuck. And there were times that this was very clearly a stretch. The way he pursued his eventual wife, Emma, is described through a very genetic lens instead of primarily cultural terms (part of a supposed genetic predisposition towards the “Madonna-Whore” dichotomy for those of us with that infernal y chromosome). His differential patterns of grief for the loss of two of his children (he reportedly mourned the death of his ten year old daughter far longer, and far more intensely, then that of his infant son) are couched as being primarily due to their proximity to prime fertility age. His intense anxiety about publishing what would be his scientific legacy (you know, apart from being the 19th century’s foremost barnacle expert)? It’s the genes! It’s genes, genes, genes all the way down. 

I’d like to say that the book was always like this. Or, apparently, my desire to want to say this, my inability to do so, and the considerable amount of sarcasm required to pen these last two sentences are because of my genes. At least that’s the culprit if we were to take Wright literally. At times, he is positively (and ironically) evangelical about the power of our genetics in dictating our behavior. And it is to the rest of the work’s detriment. 

I’m not some biological denialist. I believe whole-heartedly in evolutionary theory. And, of course, the potential for any and all physical actions have to ultimately originate in the code that facilitates every biological process we undertake. But, first off, since natural selection works probabilistically, what do you think the odds are that, of the billions of humans to walk the Earth, the theory’s first popular progenitor is an acceptable exemplar of all of these processes? It’s laughably small. Literally smaller than the first common ancestor of all life on this planet compared to the sun. I don’t think that this means that Wright had to abandon the mission of using Darwin as an illustration--again, that’s part of what made this book so interesting--but it would be far better served if, instead, Wright said something to the effect of “we can see an imperfect analogy to these processes in Darwin’s life.” A small change but, as Wright knows, small changes can have a large impact.

I suspect that Wright’s self-admitted zealousy on the subject was partially spurred on by the fact that this book was written before epigenetics (the process through which different parts of the genome are activated/deactivated in response to environmental changes, changing the genes’ expression) was more rigorously demonstrated. I recall him adamantly insisting, once or twice, that genes “can’t be changed” once we’ve been conceived. At the time, that was the belief commensurate with the best available evidence. Although epigenetics do not disprove this, the truth is that our genes are far more flexible than originally thought. If genetic fixedness is what you’re arguing, it’s pretty tough to say anything other than “everything Darwin did ever is totally explainable through evolutionary psychology.” Even if it's not true. So I’ve decided to chalk this up to scientific progress and its inevitable, unenviable ability to reveal certain pronouncements as utterly wrong. It’ll undoubtedly happen to me; it happens to any practicing scientist. 

The second theme, though, is less able to be chalked up to the inexorable march of progress. That is the distinct, but related, assertion interwoven throughout the text that literally everything can be explained by evolutionary psychology. Moral codes? Evolutionary psychology. Selective memory of our own moral failings? Evolutionary psychology. Western social structures and the necessity of political and economic inequality? Survey says: Evolutionary psychology. 

These assertions are often manifest through what I call “cover your ass” language. We all know it; we all, regrettably, deploy it. It comes when the authors use absolute terms for the vast preponderance of the work and then say “now, do I really think that this explains everything? Of course not! But…” and then proceeds to make the exact same points, just with a couple of words interjected to signal intellectual humility. A few careful words do not erase the other 98% and the frames they collectively construct. Wright is arguing that evolutionary psychology alone can explain just about every social phenomenon, from the simple to profound. But the fact of the matter is that evolutionary psychology would be hard-pressed to understand why people on vacation with their families would bother to leave tips at restaurants despite the fact that they do, more often than not. (Seriously. Reciprocal altruism’s out since you’ll never see that server again. Odds are they weren’t related, so kin selection’s out too. Peacocking wealth contrasts with women’s supposed preference for mates who don’t needlessly divert resources away from her children. Tipping is a tough nut to crack for rational-choice-esque theoried like evolutionary psych). If it can’t explain something so banal as this, I have strong doubts of the deterministic account Wright explicates here. He will, almost begrudgingly, admit that social and environmental forces play a part in genetic expression. But he does not seem prepared to admit that it plays as big of a role as even the available evidence at the time did.

The more I read it, the more I felt that this book was symbolic of a lot of evolutionary science at the time: It contains real, interesting insight on genetic processes and their role (however expansive or limited) in complex interpersonal phenomena. These shouldn’t be undersold or ignored; I learned a great deal reading this book. The problem is that these insights come paired with uninterrogated moralizing, steeped in contemporaneous social events, passed off as timeless, objective Truth. The most obvious example (because of how often Wright returns to it) comes in the aforementioned asymmetry in male parental investment. Or, rather, the seemingly inevitable end-result: Divorce. This was often curiously paired with hand-wavey discussions of the Madonna-Whore dichotomy. Apparently, men who manage to have sex with women earlier in the relationship feel less inclined to see her as a viable marriage partner. Should a quickly-pairing couple (referring to the speed in which they decide to do the act and not, hopefully, the duration of the act itself) wind-up married, men are more likely to ditch the women--and ditch them for similar "kinds" of women. This discussion would often lead to Wright lamenting how women are engaging in sex earlier and earlier in romantic relationships. Things were better decades before this promiscuity was socially acceptable. Like back in Victorian England when Charles wed his beloved Emma. And the evidentiary linchpin, at times explicitly mentioned while only obliquely inferred at others, is the sky-high divorce rates that, Wright argues, came as a consequence of social structures being poorly designed considering our inherent genetic predispositions. 

Of course, we now know that the high divorce rates of the 90s were a temporary thing. First-marriages are lasting far longer than they did (on average) in the 80’s, 90’s, and early 00’s but divorces are just as easy (if not easier) than ever before. If it was entirely because of early sex and our baser nature, the pattern should continue. The fact that it doesn’t is both evidence that evolutionary psychology is more limited than Wright suggests and that the urgency imbued in his analysis was shaped by his own moral sensibilities rather than those seen in society as a whole, inculcated by natural selection.

This wasn’t all of the social critique Wright was inclined to wade in. All fields and theories have their critics. Good authors often anticipate common objections and address them in the text. He saw his most likely critics as less scientifically driven as ideologically so. Lofty prose to the contrary, he was on the attack far more than on the defense; Darwin found himself a new bull dog. His target: Those dastardly post-modernists. He often panned “post-modernism” for their critiques of evolutionary psychology, often claiming (without much evidence) that it stemmed from the post-modernists’ universal and fundamental ignorance about biology. Honestly, the way Wright so derisively talked about them, I was surprised that he didn’t bust out a couple of verbose “yo mamma” jokes. 

What makes his vituperative swipes so ironic 25 years later is that the post-structuralists were right. Many evolutionary scientists were predisposed towards advancing biologically deterministic theories of human behavior. Any practicing geneticist worth their salt today would tell you that human behavior is so dependent on genes' interactions with the social and physical environment that even things we take for granted as “hard-wired” (such as one’s sexual preference) has been persuasively shown to not be the consequence of singular genes--or even wholly the consequence of complex genetic interactions. This is a far, far cry from Wright’s portrayal in the book; I honestly think he would be aghast at this suggestion, as if it surrenders precious ground to heretical forces in the battle for all of science’s soul. And the post-modernists are consequently vindicated in questioning what kind of power is made manifest, and towards whom is it ultimately directed, when these assertions are given the pop-science stamp of total veracity. (Actually, despite it being basically their entire deal, I can’t recall a moment when Wright discussed power when issuing his disses of post-modernism. Instead, he discussed them in the same kind of shifting, ephemeral manner that paints them as boogeymen with accusations that were often equally grounded in reality. I think he would find his own intellectual horizons broadened if he allotted the same serious attention to their intellectual contributions as he demands for his subject). 

To shoehorn in a personal complaint that I had, the book was heavy in evolutionary theory but very, very sparse in social-psychological insight. Spare a chapter where Wright tried to rehabilitate Freud’s reputation (as successful attempt as one’s going to have considering how uphill that battle is), most of the psychology was relegated to sexual pairing preferences and over-general suggestions on morality and social bonding. The former was interesting and insightful; the rest woefully underdeveloped. I may be spoiled by books like Behave and How Emotions Are Made (part of these phenomenal works both touched on how evolution may bring around specific cognitive processes), but I think Wright could have comfortably fit interesting, more specific insights if he shed the weird moralism and extensive post-modernist vendetta.

I hate closing reviews with negatives, no matter how well deserved. Presumably that’s in my genes as well. So I’d actually like to conclude by saying that I well and truly learned a lot from this book. Some of it was less novel so much as it was a refresher (I have read a number of prominent books on evolutionary theory, including the oft-referenced Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins), but some insights were well and truly new to me and illuminating. The one that stands out the most at the moment is the game theoretic accounts claiming that monogamy ultimately serves men (while institutional polygyny would be better for women) and the argument that people are more rude in spaces with fewer permanent interpersonal ties. I also thought the point that adherence to cultural values are an expedient for environmentally contingent reproductive success was well argued. I don’t buy these arguments entirely, but I think they and other points are worth mulling over to extract the useful bits. But in order to get to these bits, you have to be attentive and willing to parse through a lot of things that, in the rat-race of ideas, deserve to be thoroughly out-competed. 

[francesfromdc]

My Transgendered Lifestyle -- Read My Blog!

Resolve right now to explore roads you haven't previously traveled. 😊 You might be pleasantly surprised and you might discover some new facets about yourself that you didn't know existed! And most of all, have fun and enjoy  starting with.... Reading my Tumblr Blog!

If you like compassion, tenderness, sensitivity--traditionally female virtues, then maybe the right guy for you is one whose feminine, creative, and artistic side is not locked up and concealed under a macho cover. Unconventional? Yes. Atypical? Extraordinary? Absolutely. But the type of girl or guy I'm looking for is, among many other things, unconventional, atypical, and extraordinary. I hope you’ll take the time to read my entire profile, which I admit is much longer than most. The seemingly endless commentary 😊 will give you more insight regarding my not so normal but very interesting, fun and low stress life. Many people who did not wish to express an interest in me have written me simply to say that they enjoyed reading my profile.

I'm a lover of fashion and arts, with a lifelong passion for cherishing, honoring, and embracing all aspects of feminine beauty. My favorite creative outlet is cross dressing and gender bending. I look at this as an art form and take it very seriously. I try to create a very authentic, classy and often glam look once or twice a month that's not over the top like the drag queens (not that there's anything wrong with being an over the top drag queen! 😊 I've impersonated Marilyn Monroe for several Halloweens and a few parties here and there, and I must say that it's about the most fun I've ever had. Other celebrity impersonations I've done were Audrey Hepburn, Madonna, Paris Hilton, Bettie Page, Natalie Portman as the Black Swan, Daryl Hannah as the evil nurse from Kill Bill, and Elsa the Ice Queen from "Frozen".

I'm searching for fun people who are creative, bold, confident and very special  who would appreciate and embrace the exciting and creative world of fashion, beauty, fitness, performing arts, role play, cosplay, pinup fashion, gender bending, and even (mild -- nothing hard core--I' m a sub)- S&M / B&D.

LGBTQBDSM -- If I'm looking for people who will accept me as I am, I certainly would would accept her lifestyle choices. Not many women would embrace this lifestyle--I realize this-- but I'm confident that there are some and within that group, I'm confident that there is one woman who's life I will enrich, and vice versa. I know she exists.   My ultimate goal is establishing a long-term, romance-filled, caring and life sharing relationship, keeping in mind that marriage and serious relationships involve work, and I'm ready and willing to expend the effort and receive the rich personal rewards and fulfillment that love and caring brings.

Although my unorthodox lifestyle is not always easy, it's never boring and I feel very fortunate to have the desire and physical attributes to honor and cherish women and femininity in a realistic, creative, tasteful, respectful, loving and non-intrusive manner. It's a part of me that has always existed. Prior attempts to change and conform to a more traditional lifestyle have not worked for me, and as such, I have fully accepted and truly enjoy my femme side which I now know will always be a part of me. I get a lot of questions like "Are you in femme mode 24/7?" So I'll answer that question early in the profile and say, no my "everyday look" is male. (But I often playfully note the difference between me in male mode and me in femme mode as "drab vs. fab" 😊.

As a male, I'm often mistaken for a much younger person, (and occasionally mistaken for a girl--woo hoo!!) which in my opinion, is due to my dedication to health and exercise, my slender body and lack of facial hair, creative and fun choices in fashion, and a youthful fun, and positive outlook on life. No boring baggy jeans "dockers" or Donald Trump Navy Blue Suit/ (ridiculously long) Red Tie for me, thank you!

I have lots of goals which can be pursued in male or femme modes, including... ...finding a (romantic or platonic) partner for Rollerblading and ice skating at the outdoor rinks--(a great exercise and AN ABSOLUTE MUST for the body, mood, and mental clarity!) my favorite ice rink is the Sculpture Garden at 7th & Constitution Ave. I've been skating the outdoor rinks heavily since 2016.

During the warmer months (April - November) I bump up the rollerblading and cut back on the ice skating, going to the indoor rink at Mount Vernon Recreation center or the Medstar (formerly known as Kettler) Iceplex in Ballston once or twice during the summer if that. I always look forward to the beautiful spring and summer days on my rollerblades with a return to the outdoor ice rinks in November. The beginning of spring -- with the cherry blossoms -- the mild air and the longer days, is my favorite time of year. I look at it as a reward for enduring the winter months!

I also would like to explore and cultivate more activities such as:

★First and foremost★ ---Vacations--(Key West, Italy, and Hawaii are just a few of the places on my list). I have not traveled for pleasure much, but doing more of this is one of my top goals. Over the years, I've traveled for business, but I usually found those trips to be boring. I'd welcome the opportunity to meet someone who is interested in vacationing more and would like a fun vacation partner, even if it's just on a platonic level. In July, 2016 I met up with a group of rollerbladers in Copenhagen for three days of Denmark city and rural skating -- my first visit to Denmark! I re-joined that group for four days in Seville (Spain) in the first week of October, 2017. What a lovely city and a very rewarding (although exhausting!) experience! And for 2018 --in early September I joined them for the third time in three years: ✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*° PARIS!´✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*° c'était merveilleux!!! August 4, 2019 update: In mid July, I spent a lovely week in Berlin with this wonderful group -- many friends and familiar faces, as well as some new friends! I'm looking forward to my next European trip -- probably during the summer or fall of 2020.

★ Ballroom dancing--I'm a complete novice, but I think it would be fun to try, and perhaps occasionally (with the right partner) experimenting with reversing the roles, with the girl -- the genetic girl that is --wearing a men's suit and leading! I also have three relatively new and strong dance passions: (1) "The Carolina Shag"  (2) Tap Dancing, and (3) Popping. When done with precision, The Shag is a joy to watch and I'm sure it's even more fun to perform. Watch these two Shaggers and you'll probably catch the Shag Fever too!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l5pczCZw04

If you're a good dance instructor, I'd certainly be willing to pay you for lessons -- even if you're not interested in forming any type of personal relationship.

★ Movies and theater (here in the DC area, but also day and/or overnight trips to New York). I think this is an aesthetically stimulating activity, yet most of us seem to only do this sort of thing every now and then.

★ Al fresco dining -- beautiful weather and people watching in all parts of DC, Bethesda, Fells Point, Inner Harbor and many others. Warm summer nights enjoying dinner, the energy and enthusiasm at the Georgetown waterfront (Washington Harbor is as good as it gets! And after dinner, a leisurely stroll along the waterfront or through some of the more vibrant sections of town to me, is very romantic. And the brand new "Wharf" on the SW DC waterfront has a lot of promise! I often like to do something very different and get really dressed up (sometimes femme, sometimes homme) and enjoy a nice restaurant during the week when everyone else seems to be in "business attire" or casual mode.

★ Home improvement projects. I'm AWFUL at doing these things myself, but I'm confident that these skills can be learned and I think I'd get a lot more satisfaction from doing some projects myself, such as painting, trim/molding replacement and addition, tile installation. I think it would be interesting to find a woman who has these skills, and also a bit ironic me to learn from her while I give her advice about makeup and clothes/accessories!

A topic related to home improvement is automobile repair and maintenance. I own a wonderful older BMW, but things break and wear out. If you're good at automobile repair/maintenance, I'm always looking for someone who enjoys working on older cars. Many of the shops in my area take the easy way out and say, "we'd rather not work on a car this old -- too much trouble and limited parts availability".

★ I'd like to do something to help disadvantaged children or others who aren't as fortunate as myself. I'm open to any suggestions you may have, and if this is something you're involved in, I'd certainly be interested in joining you in doing some good things for others.

★ Horseback riding. I've been on and around horses about a dozen times over the years, which has given me only basic knowledge and skills. I'd like to get serious about it, making riding a regular part of my life. I know that owning a horse is A LOT of work, so if you own a horse, I would gladly help out with the chores.

★ I love water skiing, jet skiing, and surfing. My first time on water skis was when I was 14 years old, and after about one hour of using two skis, I was able to get up on one ski. I haven't been water skiing in many years, but one thing is certain -- I do not want to own a boat! It's just too much work and too many headaches. Many people know the expression, ..."the two happiest days of my life: The day I bought my boat, and the day I SOLD my boat!"... So not having access to a boat means I won't be doing much water skiing! And not living near a beach means that I won't be doing much surfing! So you might be wondering why I even mentioned these activities. I guess it's just something that provides a lot of enjoyment just thinking about it. And I love to watch the surfing documentaries and imagine myself on those 50+ foot waves on Hawaii's North Shore. I guess we all have things that we fantasize about!

I'll be happy to answer ANY questions you may have. I'm single, never married (but there's still hope for me!), no kids, creative, imaginative, and lots of fun. I own a wonderful townhouse in a vibrant location (almost free and clear!), I'm financially secure, and I try to lead a healthy, active, and relatively stress-free life. And if you've read this far and decided that this is just too much for you, well I certainly understand, but I hope what you just read provided a fun and interesting diversion to your day and perhaps gave you a reason to smile or the notion to pass this along to one of your friends who may be more inclined to embrace a multi-faceted, non-traditional relationship.

You are MORE THAN WELCOME to express an interest in becoming a platonic friend or an activity partner! And to suz, sko, sso, and t ...Thanks for dropping in! 😊 All the best to you in your search for your ideal match!

Oh good! You're still reading.😊 My career for the last 20 years has involved doing what I absolutely love. My work doesn't really seem like work to me and that's how I know that it's the right thing for me! I often think to myself, ..."wow, I can't believe I'm getting PAID for doing this!"

I’m especially good at:

★ Making people feel good about themselves. Recently the American Film Institute honored Jane Fonda. When she spoke, one of her comments was particularly thought provoking: "It's better to be interested than interesting". I have long realized that asking questions about others rather than bragging about oneself works best and feels right for me.

★ Reflexology, which I will gladly provide on a regular basis for someone near and dear to me. If you wear heels a lot, you will love the soothing and stress reducing aspects of this wonderful type of massage.

★ Rollerblading and Ice Skating -- I love and thrive on the exercise that these invigorating activities provide. I am thankful that I have an outlet for exercise that doesn't really seem like exercise. Plus no health club dues, golf green fees, or other significant costs associated with many exercise and recreational routines! I think I'd get bored with running or riding the stationary bike, or walking the treadmill. And if I'm bored with it, I would most likely limit the activity or even give it up.

★ Thinking, feeling, and dressing in a youthful, energetic, creative, and fun way. I am enamored with Betsey Johnson -- the 73 year old fashion designer who to me, is the epitome of a youthful, creative, energetic and fun mindset! She is known to do a cartwheel on stage at the end of her fashion shows! Another older person who had tons of energy and refused to fade away was Elaine Stritch, the Broadway actress and singer. There's a wonderful documentary about her called "Elaine Stritch: Shoot Me". At the other end of the spectrum, my next door neighbor for example -- who is just a few years older than me -- usually wears faded and worn shorts, a dingy white t-shirt, black socks and wing tip shoes, and seems to have a constant scowl on his face. Really? Black socks and wing tip shoes with shorts?? If he's going for the "frumpy old man look", he's got it down pat!

★ The Sunday Washington Post crossword puzzle-- I consistently get 95-100% of the answers. I'm always amazed at how I might feel I am totally stumped, but come back the next day to easily get more answers right. I've heard that regular crossword puzzle activity is good for Alzheimer's prevention.

★ I  make awesome Espresso! I've tried them all, but the one I keep going back to is "Cafe Bustello". Oh yes, and did I mention I'm good with makeup and femme fashions?

★ The first thing people notice about me is healthy smooth, radiant and glowing skin which has almost no facial hair.

Movies give me a lot of enjoyment. I have a wide range of interests including TCM, and in particular movies by Alfred Hitchcock, David Lynch, Quentin Tarrantino, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, and Stanley Kubrick to name a few. I have recently become familiar with the work of a French director Catherine Breillat. Her films have over the years sparked a lot of controversy, mainly due to her blunt and objective handling of sexual themes.

Are there any movies that make you cry every time you see them? The first time I saw "The Kite Runner" I cried. The second time I saw it, I wanted to see if it had the same effect, and yes it did. And even the third time I saw it, I cried. This kind of emotional release is very therapeutic! There have been other movies over the years that have made me cry, but a box of Kleenex is always needed for a viewing of "The Kite Runner". I'd be interested in hearing about any movies that have a similar effect on you.

I can rely on "Cinema Paradiso", the 1990 Oscar winning Italian film, to produce a strong emotional response.

The Oscar nominated 1985 Swedish film, "My Life As a Dog" is also very touching and poignant.

Another example, and another Oscar winner, is "Dances With Wolves". One of the final scenes, in which "Wind In His Hair" shouts down at "Dances With Wolves" from a ridge high above: ...."I am Wind in His Hair! Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that I will always be your friend?"

"Manchester By the Sea" starring Casey Affleck (2017 Oscar Winner for Best Actor). If that movie doesn't move you, I really can't imagine what would!

The ending of "To Sir With Love" -- Sydney Poitier as Mr. Thakeray (aka Sir) accepting his gift from his students: ..."well ... I think I better go and put it away"... Gets to me every time!

And speaking of Sydney Poitier, I recently saw "A Raisin in the Sun" (1961) in its entirety. I've seen bits and pieces, but oddly-- had not seen the whole movie. I'm amazed that Sydney wasn't nominated for an Oscar in this role. And I now am very eager to see the play!

In 2018, I saw two Japanese movies on a flight that brought me to tears. Perhaps it was the travel exhaustion that brought it on, but there I was, sitting quietly with a river of tears flowing on my face. The first one was called, "The Lies She Loved", and the second one which REALLY got to me, was called "Color Me True".

Over thirty years ago, I saw a movie directed by Steven Spielberg called "Empire of the Sun" which starred a 13 year old unknown actor named Christian Bale.  Of course, most of us movie lovers know that CB is now a mega star. I was fortunate enough to see it again recently, now with high definition and surround sound!  The story is set in the early 1940's.  A privileged English boy (Bale) is living in Shanghai when the Japanese invade and force all foreigners into prison camps.  I was surprised to see that the reviews -- even the great Roger Ebert, gave this film a lukewarm review.  But I loved it, and cried a river of tears!

I occasionally enjoy movies that are very poorly written, directed and acted. You know, movies that are so bad they are good! Many of us know about Ed Wood -- probably the most famous of the bad movie directors-- "the worst of the worst!" I recently discovered a director named Bert I. Gordon who specialized in really bad sci-fi movies. What makes these movies even funnier is the fact that they were intended to be serious drama. The special effects were hilarious and very low budget, the acting was stiff, and the plots lacked any kind of structure and logic. Gordon's "Attack of the Puppet People" (1958) is delightfully bad! In this movie, a mad scientist/doll maker shrinks people so they can be his puppets!¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫And... "Queen of Outer Space" (1958) starring Zsa Zsa Gabor. No additional explanation is necessary for this one! And extremely bad movies aren't limited to the 50's.

After recently seeing "The Disaster Artist" (2017), it appears that Ed Wood has some serious competition for worst director and worst movie of all time. His name is Tommy Wiseau and his movie from 2003 titled, "The Room" is a perfect example of film making at its worst. You can learn all about this delightfully bad monstrosity by watching The Disaster Artist which is by the way, an excellent movie about the making of an awful movie. Don't miss it!

I prefer film noir and drama over comedy, sci-fi, and rom-com, but I really can't think of a genre that hasn't provided me with some enjoyment. I think I've seen every "Twilight Zone" episode --the original ones with Rod Serling--multiple times. I always enjoy the SciFi Channel's New Year's Day Twilight Zone Marathon! If you have a favorite TZ episode, I'd be interested in hearing about it. Three of my favorites are "What You Need", "Eye of the Beholder", "To Serve Man" (IT'S A COOKBOOK!!! 😊), and "Twenty-Two" ("Room for one more, Honey!)

Musicals: Chicago, Rocky Horror, Hair Spray, The Producers, West Side Story, and Frozen. "The Fabulous Baker Boys", while not really a musical, features one of my favorite and most sensual performances ever: Michelle Pfeiffer singing "Making Whoopee" while lounging on top of Jeff Bridges' piano in a slinky red dress. I know that Jeff Bridges wasn't really playing the piano, but they did such a good job making it look as though he was actually playing. And note how Michelle steps down off the piano to sit next to Jeff -- stepping on a very thin ledge while wearing very high heels. How did she do that?

Everyone knows and loves the dancing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, including myself. But the often overlooked solo performances from Ginger are amazing. One in particular was from a 1942 movie called "Roxie Hart" which, by the way was the inspiration for the musical, "Chicago". In "Roxie Hart", Ginger does sort of a tap dance going up these metal stairs and she just makes it look so effortless. I also love the quote (it's origin is not exactly clear), ..."Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and wearing high heels!"

Other vintage female dancers who mesmerize me are Vera Ellen, Cyd Charisse, Debbie Reynolds, Rita Moreno, Leslie Caron, Ann Miller, and Mitzi Gaynor. And probably the most entertaining dance sequence I've ever seen on film (oddly enough performed by a man--go figure!) is Donald O'Connor doing "Make Them Laugh" in the movie, "Singing In the Rain" ====>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lO-FXFfhsEc

The 2011 Oscar winning film, "The Artist" has an amazing dance sequence at the end featuring the ultra charming Berenice Bejo as "Peppy Miller"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nNmU5v8zM

Occasionally I'll see a movie for the first time even though it was made decades ago One such example -- an amazing movie-- is "Reflections in a Golden Eye" (1967). I can't believe I missed seeing it all these years. Well, without giving too much of the plot away, it's set in the late 1940's and centers around an army Major's (Marlon Brando) latent homosexuality. And because it was the 1940's the major's sexuality is revealed only with subtle clues. His wife is played by one of the greatest actresses that ever lived -- Elizabeth Taylor. In one scene, an army Colonel (Brian Keith) comments that the army could have "made a man" out of his effeminate domestic worker and that he would have been a "better person" if he acted "normally". The major (Brando) then comments (in his typical Brando vocal style), and I'm paraphrasing some of it:

"So what you're saying is, that any FULFILLMENT obtained at the EXPENSE OF NORMALCY is wrong, and should NOT be allowed to bring happiness. In short, it is better, because it is MORALLY HONORABLE, for the SQUARE PEG to keep scraping about the round hole rather than to DISCOVER AND USE the unorthodox square that would fit it’ The Colonel replies, Why, you put it exactly right. ‘Don’t you agree with me?’ Brando's character: "No" (I think this is a significant and poignant anti-hate /pro tolerance message, especially for a film made in 1967)

✫I recently saw for the first time, a movie made in 1965 which was an adaption of a play from 1962 called "A Thousand Clowns" starring Jason Robards. His character (Murray) is an eccentric comedy writer who is pressured to conform to society in order to retain custody of his 12 year old nephew.

An example of his eccentricity -- here Murray is leaning out of his window, very early before most people are awake. He yells: “This is your neighbor speaking! I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that something must be done about your garbage cans in the alley here. [raises voice even louder] It is definitely second-rate garbage. Now, by next week I want to see a better class of garbage: more empty champagne bottles and caviar cans! I'm sure you're all behind me on this. So let's snap it up and get on the ball!”

Another great quote from 1,000 Clowns:

“Five months ago I was on the subway on my way to work, was sitting on the express same as every morning looking out the window watching the local stops go by in the dark with an empty head and my arms folded, not feeling great, not feeling rotten, just not feeling. And for a minute I couldn't remember, I didn't know, unless I really concentrated, whether it was a Tuesday or a Thursday or a... for a minute it could have been any day. I gotta know what day it is. I gotta know what's the name of the game and what the rules are without anyone else telling me. You gotta own your own days and name 'em, each one of 'em, every one of 'em, or else the years go right by and none of them belong to you. And that ain't just for weekends, kiddo.”

I am a big fan of anything written by Tennessee Williams... including a recent discovery -- a 1962 film based on Tennessee Williams' play "Period of Adjustment". This gem of a movie starred a very young, sweet, and feminine Jane Fonda! Delightful! I loved the movie before I even knew it was written by T. Williams! My favorite TW plays: Hey, why list them? I love them all!

And I'm starting to have a huge appreciation for the works of Ingmar Bergman. I was recently fascinated by his 1960 film, "The Virgin Spring".

Sergio Leone's "Man With No Name Trilogy" starring Clint Eastwood:

........."A Fistful of Dollars" (1964) ........."For a Few Dollars More" (1965) ........."The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" (1966)

All three released in the U.S. in 1967

The critically acclaimed "The Danish Girl" (2015) had a very strong impact on me.

August 4, 2019 Update: I can't believe I omitted one of the best movies I've ever seen: From 1957, "Twelve Angry Men". 95% of this movie is set in a small, hot jury room with no air conditioning. They are all trying to reach a verdict in a murder trial. A brilliant film with lots of big names in the cast, this movie received a very rare 100% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer. It has also been performed on stage, although I haven't seen the play. Hopefully, I'll get to see it one day soon.

Oddly, I had never seen "Gone With the Wind" in it's entirety until July 2019. Many consider this one of the best movies of all time. My opinion: Yes, I liked it but it doesn't make my top ten list.

Nancy Kwan--the beautiful Eurasian actress who made a big splash in the early 1960's with "The World of Suzy Wong" and "Flower Drum Song"-- mesmerized me when I was about 12 years old, and continues to mesmerize me to this day. Oh, the way she wore those beautiful silk Chinese Dresses -- I now know that those dresses are called "cheongsams". So if you are Asian, Asian American, or of any other heritage and you like to wear the cheongsam, please "go to the front of the line"--you will mesmerize me just as Nancy has done for all these years and have me eating out of the palm of your hand 😊. Nancy was exquisite in her performance of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" and I'm sure you will enjoy this wonderful number:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JigBfoDtzY

I have been a regular SNL (Saturday Night Live) viewer since day one (1975). In 1982 I bought my fist VCR (remember VCR's? :-) solely for the purpose of recording SNL. It's hard to believe that a "great deal" on a VCR in those days was $549 -- which is what I paid for a VCR that could only be programmed to record one show. And it had a WIRED remote. Today, if you can even FIND a VCR for sale new, it would cost you around $19.95

Music: I have a large and eclectic collection on my smart-phone. I'd be happy to send you a list of those songs to give you an idea of the music I like to listen to. One thought that seems to come up regularly is how certain bands kind of "Jump the Shark". Bands that were in my opinion, once really good but in an effort to become more mainstream, they lose what once made them stand out.

When I listen to some of the early songs of the band "Chicago" or as they were originally referred to, "The Chicago Transit Authority" circa 1968-71) I can't believe how much better they were when compared to the mid 1970's and beyond Chicago. The later version just got kind of sappy and boring whereas the earlier stuff just had more grit and edge. For example, compare "25 or 6 to Four" and "I'm a Man" (the long versions) to "Saturday In the Park" or "If you Leave Me Now".

Similarly, the Doobie Brothers lost their edge when Michael McDonald came in and, in my opinion ruined them!

Rod Stewart underwent a ridiculous (and sad) transformation when he started singing songs from the 1930's and 1940's. Really? Rod Stewart, the rocker? Singing "It Had to Be You" ??! I don't think Mick Jagger would ever sink this low! Just my humble opinion though. Feel free to disagree!

I'm not a huge fan of "The Grateful Dead" -- I like them I suppose in small doses. But one thing about "The Dead" as their big fans call them, is that they never "sold out" by trying to appeal to the masses and altering their style. I really respect that about this group.

Occasionally I make huge errors in assessing new talent. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but regarding the singers Sheryl Crow and Taylor Swift, I remember when they first started, my thoughts were that they were just a "flash in the pan" and couldn't possibly have any long term success and significance in the music world.

Wow, did I blow the call on those two. They are now very high on my list of singers/songwriters and I couldn't have been more wrong about them.

Conversely, for some newcomers I predict huge things and they end up just being mediocre or their shelf life expires very rapidly. When "Jewel" first arrived on the scene, I fell in love with her work, and yes she did have some early success, but she never became a mega-star.

Fiona Apple was (and continues to be) an extremely talented singer/songwriter and I was infatuated with her from the start, but (maybe by her own choice?), she has stayed out of the limelight and never hit the heights that I predicted for her.

Sports: My interest in sports over the years has fluctuated. There was a time when I wasn't even aware of who was playing in the Super Bowl or World Series. During the past ten years though, I've returned to watching sports and I attribute this entirely to the DVR. Watching sports that are not recorded or delayed is so tedious with all the commercials. and down time. When I record them I watch only what I want to watch, zipping through the commercials and other non essential airtime.

Which sports? Football (college is better than pro!), Baseball (usually just the post season playoffs though), Basketball (March Madness NCAA Tournament only -- I'm slowly warming up to NBA Basketball), Ice Hockey (my interest grows as the Stanley Cup Playoffs start-- and YES!! THE CAPS WON THE 2018 STANLEY CUP FOR THE FIST TIME IN THEIR 44 YEAR EXISTENCE!!), and Horse Racing -- only during May and June when the Triple Crown Races are held. I love women's figure skating--these girls are awesome!

And I WISH we had professional women's fast pitch softball. A few years ago, they tried to form a professional women's' softball league, but it folded, due to lack of support by the public. It's a shame, because these girls are so talented, and in many ways their game takes more skill than professional baseball. And to add insult to injury, women's' softball was discontinued from the Summer Olympics, presumably due to the U.S. Team's domination of the sport. BUT... I understand they're bringing Softball BACK TO THE OLYMPICS!! And I'm sure the U.S. will put a spectacular team together for Tokyo 2020!! Can't wait!

The National Spelling Bee! On ESPN! Yes, spelling is now a televised sport!

And finally, the annual Nathan's annual Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest (although many would not consider competitive eating a sport! 😊) On the 4th of July 2018 once again, Joey Chestnut ruled! He ate 74 HDB (that's hot dog and bun for all you competitive eating neophytes) in ten minutes to beat his previous record of 72 and win the 2018 contest easily---leaving his 17 competitors in a cloud of dust!

I often think about...

Personal Goals such as:

★Traveling and vacationing more, either with that special someone or with one or more platonic friends. I've taken several vacations by myself and and have come to realize that vacationing alone is not for me.

★Relocating to a warmer climate after nearly 30 years in DC. The winter of 2014-15) was particularly harsh and made me give the idea of relocating a lot more thought. The winter of 2015-16 has been unusually warm, but as I write this update (January 23,. 2016) there is about 15 inches of snow on the ground with a good chance of about 10 more inches by the day's end. And as I write THIS update (July 14, 2016), we're expecting temperatures in the mid 90's with a heat index of 104. Where would I want to move? Maybe MIAMI, Florida (SoFi --South of 5th South Beach), KEY WEST, NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana, HILTON HEAD South Carolina, SAN ANTONIO; AUSTIN, Texas, PHOENIX, Arizona, SAN DIEGO; LOS ANGELES /SANTA MONICA, California, or HONOLULU, Hawaii to name a few. I'd like to make some good friends from these cities and through them, get to know what it would be like to live there. I would welcome the opportunity to meet someone who may not be interested in me romantically, but has a similar desire to relocate to a warmer climate. Kind of a platonic partnership with the goal of starting a new, exciting and adventuresome chapter in life, in another part of the country. I think a move like this is much less traumatic, less anxiety inducing, and more fun if there are two of us facing similar challenges -- and there will no doubt be challenges! I'd even consider a move to another country. At this stage in my life, now is not the time to be skittish!

★Enhancing my circle of friends and acquaintances.

★Enriching my life and that of others' through volunteering and more acts of kindness.

★Rollerblading and ice skating. Although I'm much more comfortable and proficient on hockey skates, I have a fascination with "Ice Dancing" and have always fantasized about gliding effortlessly across the ice with a beautiful female skater. In ice dancing and ballroom dancing, "the man is the frame, and the woman is the picture"... meaning that it's the man's job to showcase the beauty and elegance of the woman. I realize that this ice dancing notion will probably will remain just a fantasy, but I do have figure skates and would love to sharpen them up and partner with a woman who also likes ice dancing, even if it is at the most basic level.

★ I also want to swim with dolphins, and as a result of *finally* seeing "Lawrence of Arabia" in it's entirety, I'd like to ride a camel! Also, I can't imagine life being complete without at least once seeing the live Mermaid show at Weeki Wachee Springs, FL😊 ===>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZymMONi1XA

★Being more active in striking up conversations with people I encounter. I've found that people in the DC area are generally hesitant or uninterested in chatting with someone they don't know, or someone that they perceive to have no value in the furtherance of their professional or personal goals. As such, I have over the years and for the most part, avoided initiating conversations with people I don't know. I've decided to be more outgoing in this area, recognizing that only a few will respond favorably, and not worrying about the "rejections". I also think about...

★I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this, but relationships involve: A LOT OF WORK (better to realize this late than never!). There are rich rewards, but unless one is willing to (a) admit that there's hard work involved, and (b) actually do the work when it becomes necessary, the relationship is likely to fail. I think one of the main reasons I've remained single for so long is that I had this fantasy notion that successful relationships were all wine and roses, and when things went wrong, I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't working and decided to end it. How twisted is that logic?! The bliss of a new relationship fades pretty quickly, and that's when working at the relationship comes into play. Think of a garden or lawn that has not had any special attention -- no watering, no fertilizer, no nothing. It wouldn't be lush and green, nor would it have beautiful, colorful flowers. Take that same garden or lawn... water it, feed it, weed it, trim it, mow it... and the result is a beautiful sight. ~But it took a lot of work~! If I ever enter another serious relationship, it will be with the clear understanding that the real rewards come with overcoming obstacles and resolving conflict while remaining 100% committed to the relationship. But in keeping with the theme of this profile -- total honesty --after living single for all these years, it will be a hell of an adjustment to live with someone else. Hopefully, patience, love and acceptance will prevail and the gradual adjustment to a new (and exciting!) lifestyle will occur. And I REFUSE to enter a relationship that is without extreme effort or care.

★Have you ever heard of people who are married but live in different cities? That kind of arrangement for some reason intrigues me. The couple has the benefits of marriage but they enjoy freedom and independence when they're not together. And the potential for little squabbles is diminished because they're not constantly together. Obviously, this is not for most people, but given the right couple and the right circumstances it could result in a very diverse and fulfilling lifestyle. Plus it would make the time spent together more special, and they would have the benefit of enjoying two cities on a regular basis. So if you know a couple who has this kind of lifestyle, or if this is something that you think about, I'd love to have a discussion on this subject.

A variation of the "married but live in different cities" could be a partnering with little or no romance or intimacy -- basically roommates, but with a deep caring and commitment to enrich each others' lives. Best friends to give each other emotional support, without the trappings of traditional marriage. Independence and freedom from always having to answer to each other -- i.e. "Where are you going?" "When will you be back?" "Who were you with?" I really don't know how or even if this could work, but my gut feeling tells me that it could indeed work. And although I wouldn't count on this happening, it is entirely possible that the emotional support and caring could actually grow into a love that would be stronger than if it were to have begun in the traditional manner. I would have to give this type of arrangement a lot of thought, but with the right person, it could be a very rewarding and broadening experience.

There is another huge benefit of this arrangement, and I'm wondering why more people don't take advantage of it. It goes something like this: You are comfortable financially like me. You own your home -- a nice home, but nothing extravagant or opulent. Let's say we both own homes worth about $500,000. Being a couple -- either a traditional couple or a non-traditional couple (see previous paragraph) would effectively allow us to live in a home worth $1,000,000. Granted, in today's real estate market a million dollar home to some people would be low end, but to someone who has a history of living in a modest home, that kind of arrangement would allow a couple to live their later years (let's face it, it's coming whether we want it to or not) in a location and style that is a definite step up. I'm thinking Georgetown or Old Town, perhaps with a river view. Maybe this is just fantasy, but I really think it could improve our lives significantly. Again, if you have any thoughts on this, I’d like to hear them.  Even if you think this is an insane idea fraught with problems, which it very well could be.

★ This one, well it's kind of scary and depressing. I think many (over age 50) single people struggle with the anxiety of being old -- really old-- and having no one. I try not to think about this one too much, but the fact remains that being old is difficult even with that special someone. Being old and all alone is frightening. This shouldn't be the only reason for wanting a significant other, but as time goes on, it becomes more important and is definitely something to think about.

January, 2019 update: More and more, I've thought about finding a significant other for the sole purpose of having a support partner for the golden years. Romance and intimacy wouldn't be necessary -- just good friends who care about each other provide comfort and companionship. And although I STILL have not made a Will, I would like to have that special someone to inherit my estate, which is by no means extremely large, but is not a pittance either. I make this comment with the full realization that anyone with ill intentions who has seen an Alfred Hitchcock movie or tv show, may try to form a relationship, get me to name them as beneficiary, and proceed to knock me on the head with a frozen leg of lamb (great episode -- "Lamb to the Slaughter", 1958 --find it on YouTube if you haven't seen it!), thus reaping the financial rewards as a "grieving" widow or significant other. :-) Other cinematic ideas for knocking off a "loved one" -- "Double Indemnity" (1944), "The Postman Always Rings Twice" (1946), "Dial M for Murder" (1954), "Vertigo" (1958) and "A Place in the Sun" (1951). :-) But remember, none of the murderers got away with it! :-)

★I don't know if it's just me or if this happens to a lot of people: The older I get, the more thoughts of occurrences from the past just pop into my head -- completely unexpected and seemingly without any type of trigger. And the unsettling aspect of this is that these thoughts of past events involve me in a situation that I mishandled in some way, and make me respond..."what were you thinking??" Often it's something that I did, but shouldn't have done....something I said that I shouldn't have said... or, something I didn't say but should have, or something I didn't do, but should have. Is this our way of reminding us that we have matured and our stupid and reckless ways of the past are now behind us?

These thoughts always focus on things I'd like to take back and have a "do over" or in the golfing vernacular, a "mulligan". And what's interesting is that I never get random thoughts about things I did well or things that I'm proud of. So I'm asking you... does this happen to you? Or if you're familiar with this type of thing, is it something that all of us (or most of us) experience? I'd be very interested in knowing more about this.

★How I've never really embraced hanging out with the guys. Recently, after a vigorous workout on my blades, I stopped at one of Old Town's riverside parks. I found a vacant picnic table, under a tree, with a cool breeze and a lovely view of the Potomac River, the Wilson Bridge, and the new Capitol Wheel across the river at National Harbor. What could be more relaxing and serene? Well, about five minutes after I settled in, here come four men in their 40's, 50's and maybe 60's... all standing around about to do some, I don't know... male bonding? Guy stuff? And then, not one, not two, not three, but all four.... light up these big fat smelly cigars and my blissful, relaxing scene is ruined. Well, I did get about five minutes sheer joy, but it left me thinking... "would I like to be one of those guys... standing around with their guts protruding over their belts of their khaki pants...smoking cigars? I also thought about their poor wives and/or girlfriends who would have to endure the foul, lingering odor of a cigar. I can't even imagine getting the slightest enjoyment from being part of that group. Of course, this is no great revelation-- I've never gotten warm and fuzzy feelings bonding with guys, and this is just one of the many things that reinforce the notion that I'm very different from most guys.

Hanging out with the girls is more exciting and invigorating, providing better quality, more supportive conversation in an "odor free" location! Well, this musing could go on and on, but the point I want to make (and I'm sure you've figured it out by now if you've read this far!) is that I'm not like most guys.

★Even though I generally speak of being attracted to women, a lot of people ask if I'm gay-- a fair and logical question. I've often wondered if I'm really gay and just refuse to admit this to myself. Then I think, hey, if I'm really gay, wouldn't I have *at least once* tried, or experimented with intimate relations with a man? The answer of course is no, I have not -- because it's something that just doesn't interest me. I think my brain is just hard-wired to be attracted to, surrounded by,  and infatuated by, feminine beauty. I have, over the years had a number of male admirers who have tried to persuade me to be their girlfriend, but it's very clear to me that women offer so much more mental and physical stimulation.

Now, having said all that, I do find it interesting and exciting to have a girls night out -- with one or more genetic girls-- and have interested guys buy us drinks, hit on us, and to be one of the girls talking about how hot this guy or how wonderful the new guy that they're dating is. Women receiving the attention of men, in my opinion, enhances feminine feelings.   I know--I know...this has all the earmarks of a gay mindset, but when it really comes down to being intimate with a man, reality sets in and there is no interest.

★I see guys wearing pink shirts all the time. I also see a lot of pink ties. Apparently, pink shirts and ties are ok for guys, but pink pants? I've got these great American Apparel Riding Pants that are, pink (actually, more of a coral), but wow you wouldn't believe the looks I get. Occasionally, I'll even see looks of disgust while shaking their head as if they're saying no. Often I'll see people just staring at my pants -- in line at the grocery store, at the airport, anywhere. One girl recently, in a kind of mocking tone said, "I like your leggings". And my response was, "why should girls have all the fun?!😊" The more I wear them, the more I'm amused at people's reactions, yet the guy in the pink shirt and pink tie with one or more earrings doesn't even get noticed. By the way, the American Apparel riding pants are the most comfortable pants I have ever worn, and I highly recommend that you give them a try. I have them in black, khaki, grey, safari brown, purple, yellow, navy, and --gasp!-- pink! Just google American Apparel Riding pants. American Apparel discontinued them recently (why I don't know because they were wildly popular!) and I've picked up a few new or lightly used pairs on ebay. AA also makes what they call "Disco Pants"-- super stretchy, and form fitting and so comfortable! Just google "American Apparel Riding Pants" or "American Apparel Disco Pants" and you'll see some wonderful pictures. I think they look great on all women XXS to XL.

Many of my other pants are very skinny, stretchy, and feature fun prints and colors -- very comfortable! I often wonder why "the norm" for guys includes pants that lack any distinctive or interesting characteristics, i.e. boring, dull, and frumpy -- as described in the State Farm Commercial featuring one of the Coneheads (Beldar) explaining to his wife (Prymaat) what khakis are: "khakis : a dull earthly garment covering male extremities". 😊 By the way, who determines what's acceptable fashion and what's not? During Breast Cancer awareness month, it's ok for men to wear pink, especially in the NFL where tough macho guys are wearing pink socks, wristbands, and even shoes. So it's SOMETIMES ok for a man to wear pink. Also, you'll occasionally see some bright and colorful pants on the golf course---there is a company called "Loudmouth Golf" that makes some really cool pants, and they're quite popular---BUT ONLY ON THE GOLF COURSE. On the golf course they're ok, but wear them to the movies or the grocery store and be ready for those puzzled, surprised, and sometimes disgusted looks from others.

In earlier times, if a man wore earrings, he would be ridiculed and presumed gay. At some point though, it became ok for a man to wear earrings and now they don't get a second look. Even Jim Vance, the NBC 4 Newsguy who I really admired and respected, wore an earring when he delivered the news. Sadly, Jim passed away on July 22, 2017.

Another example would be women and tattoos. Not too long ago, if a woman had a tattoo, she was considered to be "trailer trash" or "from the wrong side of the tracks". Then it became not only ok, but extremely fashionable to have a tattoo or multiple tattoos. What brought about the change? I suppose all it takes is a celebrity such as Angelina Jolie (tattoos) and Madonna (wearing lingerie as outer wear). But I guess it's going to take more time before Lady Gaga's dress made from meat??! gains a foothold! :-)

If you follow "baseball cap fashion", you'll know that the "flat bill" has become more popular than the traditional "curved bill". In earlier times, if someone wore a flat bill, they were immediately considered uncool and nerdy. Then, I don't know, someone famous -- I believe a rapper like "50 cent" wore his flat billed cap, and it soon became cool and street-wise to wear it that way. The curved bill became popular in the first place as a more effective way of protecting ones eyes from the glare of the sun, but now it's only used by those who cling to the old school ways. In fact, I was in a baseball cap store in Georgetown recently and I saw nothing but flat bills. I asked the guy working there if they had curved bills and he pulled out a few small boxes, opened them up and showed them to me. They weren't even on display!

And remember polo shirts in the 80's? Someone somewhere decided that he/she would turn the collar up, (maybe to protect the neck from the sun) and a new trend started. That style has faded, but occasionally you see older people wearing their polo shirts with upturned collars (maybe they think it's still in style!), and even some younger ones who are going for that retro-look.

Pantyhose vs. bare legs? Same thing -- you used to never see bare legs, now that's pretty much all you see, especially on the west coast. Well, the list goes on and on, but my point is that I have no desire to follow any kind of "acceptable" fashion guidelines, although I think it's interesting how some things become "appropriate" and others remain "inappropriate".

★One of the things that I've noticed over my years of "people watching", is that most girls do not know how to walk in heels. I think it's so beautiful to see a poised and confident woman, gracefully and sensuously walking in a sexy and elegant pair of heels. Unfortunately, this sight is so uncommon that when I do see it, I'm totally mesmerized. I know a former professional ballet dancer who, when walking in heels, is so confident and so graceful, that she never fails to turn heads. If there ever was a fitting real life example of "poetry in motion", this girl when walking in heels, regardless of the height -- 2" or 5" -- would be it. There are of course, varying degrees of walking in heels the wrong way. Some make me think that only a few small adjustments are necessary, while others are embarrassingly awkward and need a lot of help. I often wonder if women as a general rule, do the homework necessary to learn what it takes to walk in heels, and practice those techniques to perfect their walk. My guess is that most do not.

In reality though, I am by no means one of those perfect walkers, and I could benefit from some practice myself. When I do see one of those rare, elegant walkers, I make mental notes and try to incorporate their techniques into my walk. It's amazing what just a little work in this area does for poise, confidence, and allure. Maybe you'd like to get together (as platonic friends if you're not interested in a serious relationship) for some high heel practice sessions!

The designer John Galliano once said, "Style is wearing an evening dress to McDonald's, wearing heels to play football. It is personality, confidence and seduction." And a quote from Sophia Loren😍: "Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful." I believe there's a lot to these statements. This is why so many girls who may not have those drop dead gorgeous looks come across as sexy and desirable--they have CONFIDENCE, POISE and STYLE!

So come on girls-- (head held high, shoulders back!) go online and watch some YouTube videos about the proper way to walk in heels, develop some subtle but mesmerizing body language, and most of all, be aware of your walk, know the effect it has on people, and work at it to continuously improve! The increased confidence and poise will benefit your love life, your health and flexibility, and your professional life.

★I've visited many "erotic websites" featuring beautiful and sexy women (any man who says he hasn't done this is lying!). One thing I've noticed, is that many of the models pose for the pictures using a facial expression that is supposed to be sexy. The best way to describe this is that they look like they are either in pain, bored, angry, or uncomfortable. You know that look--head held back, mouth slightly open, eyes halfway closed. I don't know whether the photographer tells them to look sexy and this is the expression they use-- or the photographer describes the exact look he/she wants. Or some of the models might have this blank, mannequin like stare. To me, these expressions are not nearly as sexy as a woman posing for a picture with a nice, natural smile. These smiling girls are sending the message to the viewer that they are confident, warm, and fun.

Confidence, warmth, and fun are VERY sexy! And if they are not smiling, they are looking into the camera again, exuding confidence and self assuredness and basically saying "I know I'm beautiful, sexy and intelligent, and I love being a woman". And even though I love to watch fashion shows (Remember CNN's "Style" with Elsa Klensch? My Saturday morning wasn't complete without watching it!), the models usually had this bored, blank look on their face as they walked the runway. I would be thrilled if these fashion shows all featured models who smiled and looked like they were having fun!  But maybe there is a reason for the fashion models to have that bored look. Perhaps the designer is saying, "I don't want people to look at the models face, I want them to look at the clothes!" That may be true, but a smiling, fun loving and playful model makes an outfit much more beautiful and sends the message, "wear this ensemble and you'll be fun and beautiful too!"

But back to the erotic website models-- I don't know, maybe they've done some type of study and the results show that most men find that painful, angry, or bored look to be sexy. And if that's the case, my preferences are just further proof that I'm not like most men!

★ Speaking of posing for a photograph, and at the risk of offending many people, I have to say that taking a picture of oneself (a selfie), while standing in front of a mirror awkwardly holding a cell phone is not very natural or attractive. I know, lots of people do it, but to me, this sends a message of, "I have no friends to take a picture of me, or I have no activities to engage in while being photographed, so I'll just stand in my bathroom and take a picture of myself." Part of what makes a good picture is the feeling that the subject is enjoying himself/herself. How fun can standing there by oneself be? And again, I'm probably offending many, but the ultimate mistake is using one of these pictures for a *profile picture!*

Surely there are events and activities at which to be photographed, and surely there are friends, relatives, co-workers, or even strangers who will gladly take your picture if you ask (and stop calling me Shirley!) :-).....June 4, 2017 update: Wow, I've gotten a lot of messages expressing strong disagreement with my views on this subject. But I'm holding firm on my position that selfies are less attractive and less fun than traditional posed photos.

★Most people have at least one or two hobbies. The obvious benefits are stress reduction and numerous other health benefits. Hobbies give us a fun diversion from everyday life and the sense of satisfaction from engaging in something one loves to do. Some like to go fishing, tend to the garden, collect stamps--mine just happens to be cross dressing and gender bending.  One of my cross dresser friends put it this way: "Some men play golf. I play girl!"

My life choices give me the opportunity to step outside the everyday persona and become someone different, even if just for one night. I think that's why so many adults love Halloween (I'm one of them!).

I know one guy who is extremely passionate about participating in Civil War reenactments. He goes to several reenactments every year, wears authentic uniforms (thick wool -- very hot in the sweltering heat of the summer), carries authentic weaponry, and even eats the food that civil war soldiers ate --hardtack and corn pone. He absolutely loves it. Why? I suppose it's due to reasons similar to mine -- to create a diversion from everyday life and engage in one's passion.

But in my opinion, there is something a little unsettling about glorifying such a tragic event -- one in which over 600,000 people perished. Successful lawyers, accountants, auto mechanics, etc. -- pretending and fantasizing that they are going through the same physical and emotional trauma as the original soldiers. To me, it's not much different than "re-enacting" the 9/11 tragedies. I'm reasonably certain that if this were to be done, it would immediately be considered to be "poor taste". But I'm sure that the passage of time somehow softens the emotional impact, and using this logic, in about 100 years there may be people who have a passion for being a part of "9/11 re-enactments".

But...to each his or her own, so Civil War actors -- if this is your passion, go out and enjoy yourselves! And some people love to go to Star Wars or super hero conventions dressed to the nines as their favorite character. Why is this kind of activity generally considered harmless, creative fun, while my gender bending artistic endeavors are often met with scorn and ridicule, and often prompt speculation about mental and emotional stability? I recently received a message from a lovely girl from the Philippines, and I was stunned at the simple and logical outlook she had regarding my lifestyle.

Here's how she put it: ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫.....I never experience liking a man looking like a woman. But your an exception to that. I never saw you different or complicated. Just like any other. I saw you just like an amazing person who dedicates himself with his passion. Never saw you as a girl but a man who enjoys his passion and bravely does what his heart want him to do.if i love singing or cooking, you love cross dressing so whats wrong with that my sweet? Nothing right. :* do not except yourself with everyone. You belong with us and you deserve to be treated normal just like what every man deserves. But lemme tell you a secret okay? Even though i saw you as normal man. My heart beats specially telling me. Your really special. ❤ so because of that. Be ready to be treated special too. ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫

Another heartfelt message (which I have read over and over again for inspiration and confidence!) is: ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫"Reading your profile was such a rich experience that I wanted to compliment you and reinforce that you re a very special and unique person, one with so much depth, insight, awareness, honesty, thoughtfulness, compassion and wisdom. Your articulate blog drew me in completely, and I felt blessed to be fortunate enough to have you share your inner self, inner spirit, inner soul with me. I felt a warmth and tenderness that truly touched me. You are truly amazing, inside and out, and deserve to find your happiness, fulfillment and joy throughout your lifetime."¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫

And my absolute favorite response to my profile comes from a beautiful woman (inner and outer beauty!) in Romania and she writes:

¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ •°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ It took me almost two hours to read your entire profile. I had to look for the explanation of some words or expressions, being an excellent exercise in improving my English and at the same time a fascinating immersion in understanding a person as complex as you are. It is the most powerful, captivating, complex and honest profile I have ever read. I never thought I could. read something like this on OKC. I am still amazed by your clear, logical, profound and so colorful style of expression You are a very special person, so different from what I'm used to know but so human and profound in a way that few people can be. ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ •°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫

★ A lot of people ask me how and when I developed an interest in cross dressing and gender bending. I'm not exactly sure, maybe it's an innate characteristic, or maybe a particular incident or experience created a spark and my creative imagination just ran with it. I do recall at about age five becoming mesmerized with these beautiful cocktail glasses emblazoned with the stunning women painted by the artist Alberto Vargas. Vargas' style by the way, has been copied by many, but no one really comes close. If you're curious about his work, simply google "Alberto Vargas" and you'll see some of the images that I believe created the spark that lit the fire, giving me this lifelong fascination.

Countless television viewing experiences added fuel to the fire, so to speak. Remember Ginger from "Gilligan's Island"? I was captivated by her beauty and elegance -- evening gowns and high heels while stranded on a deserted island walking through the sand! 😊 And a series of old commercials for "Muriel Cigars" starring Edie Adams (who incidentally bore a resemblance to Ginger (or was it Ginger who resembled Edie? 😊) View these fun and sexy commercials on YouTube, if you like. There was a lot of sexual innuendo and double entendre in these commercials, but it all went over the head of a young and mesmerized viewer.

I could list dozens more, but the gist of all this is that strong visual stimulation, a passion for feminine beauty and elegance, combined with an active and creative imagination, set the stage for a life-long appreciation and admiration of feminine beauty.

★Another question I get fairly often is, "Do you ever think about transitioning to being female 24/7, ala Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and thousands of others? I've often wondered about it, but so far I've had no desire or motivation to go down that road. Some transgendered people have a burning desire to present as who they are inside-- 24/7. For them, there is just no other way to survive.

Other transgendered people (like me), find pleasure in both their masculine and feminine sides and as such have neither the need nor the desire to make the transition to 24/7. In fact, I believe that being "gender fluid" makes me appreciate both my male and femme sides even more. April 30, 2018 update: I just finished Caitlyn Jenner's book, "The Secrets of My Life". I wanted to read it to compare my lifelong thoughts of being transgendered to those of CJ. Although I never won an Olympic Gold Medal, many, many aspects of our lives and inner thoughts are eerily similar. I highly recommend this book (which is an easy and entertaining read) for anyone who has an interest in knowing about the myriad of difficult challenges and coping solutions that transgendered people typically face.

I also read "Becoming Nicole" -- a New York Times best seller about a family with identical twin boys -- one of whom is transgendered, and the other being a "normal" boy. One of the key concepts of this story is how the brain becomes "masculinized" or "feminized" ~~while still in the womb~~. Sexual anatomy is determined approximately six weeks into the pregnancy, however the brain does not "masculinize" or "feminize" until six ~~months~~ ... and can be very different even in the case of identical twins. This is another great story of courage and perseverance -- not only for Nicole, but for her entire family.

And I recently came across a brief, but very interesting and informative essay titled, "The Psychology of Cross-Dressing". A couple of high impact quotes from this article:

**...”But in truth, cross-dressing is grounded in a highly logical and universal desire: the wish to be, for a time, the gender one admires, is excited by – and perhaps loves. Dressing like a woman is merely a dramatic, yet essentially reasonable, way of getting closer to the experiences of the sex one is profoundly curious about – and yet has been (somewhat arbitrarily) barred from... “

and

**”It may be bewildering to have to accept that one is at heart, in the semi-conscious mind, always going to be something far more diverse, multi-faceted but also perhaps interesting than a mere ‘man’ or a ‘woman’** If you'd like to read the entire essay, it can be found at:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-psychology-of-cross-dressing/

As I mentioned early in the blog, for me, this has always been a fun, creative, and artistic expression of feminine beauty which I enjoy very much. But do I feel like a "woman trapped in a man's body"? I guess the answer is sometimes yes, and sometimes no. Which supports my theory that some transgendered people find pleasure and comfort by embracing certain aspects of both genders.

Only lately have I taken the time to look into the pros and cons of hormone treatments which most consider to be one of the first steps of transitioning from one gender to the other on a full time basis. One notion that surfaces over and over again -- when it comes to genetic males taking female hormones -- is that they feel more relaxed and have more inner peace. It has also been reported that this more relaxed feeling allows them to connect with people on a deeper, more meaningful level. Now I'm not going to rush out and start taking female hormones, but experiencing those feelings that are generally attributed to females is something that intrigues me.

One other thing that I have heard trans women describe as a result of hormone treatments is that their senses are heightened. Colors are brighter and scents are stronger. It is almost as if one's senses are somehow altered or enhanced. Again, very intriguing. Buuuuut... a HUGE DRAWBACK of hormone treatments is often (usually) a diminished sexual response ("E.D. to be specific) and THAT -- is something that will most likely keep me from venturing into those waters!

I have a lot of respect for the transgender people who "go all the way" because it is undeniably a difficult road to travel. Only a few transsexuals who were born male have features and outward physical characteristics that allow them to blend in with other genetic women without being scrutinized. And that's why I have so much respect for people like Caitlyn Jenner because, no matter how much surgery or how many hormones she takes, she will still have many physical characteristics typically associated with non-genetic women. That takes A LOT OF COURAGE and presents so many challenges in life.

★ It is entirely possible that the the “normal” khaki wearing, briefcase toting guy you see every day has a secret desire to cross dress or feel feminine, but doesn't dare tell anyone about it. It's much more common than you might think. I feel bad for the guys who are 100% in the closet because their femme side is locked up and hidden away, and they struggle to keep their secret, terrified that their wives or girlfriends will discover that they have these feelings.

Often, they try to overcompensate by being excessively macho and manly. I know one cross dresser whose wife knows, but totally disapproves. He told me that at one point, he secretly rented space in a storage facility so he could have some "girl time". A damp and dimly lit storage facility?? How lonely and depressing is that!? While it is true that when going out en femme, the venue has to be considered, (some places, unfortunately are not "TG friendly") but at least I'm not locked up in a storage facility trying on dresses and heels! I hope the storage facility guy eventually gains a little more freedom.

I decided long ago that if I was going to be married or have a serious relationship, it would be with a woman who not only knew about my femme side, but enjoyed and appreciated it also.

★You'll no doubt agree that this blog seems to be a bottomless pit.  There's a reason for such extensive expression.  I want people to know as much about me, without concealing anything. Think about all those people who write a few paragraphs (or in some cases, just a few words!) in a dating profile about who they are and what they want in a significant other. Are they really letting you look into their deepest, most private thoughts? Or are they just giving you the information they think you might want to hear?

I have a friend who met a guy, and married him about a year later. Shortly after they married, he expressed a desire for her to look and act like a little girl as a sexual stimulant for him. I have no problem with role play as an enhancement to sexual matters. Actually, I think it's quite healthy and creative. For this guy however, the "little girl fantasy" was the be all and end all and my friend quickly realized that something didn't sit right with her. Now, without knowing the intricate details of the marriage, I can't say for sure how the marriage ended, but it did. And after talking with my friend, I learned that his fixation was a primary factor. Why do I relate this story in my profile?

Well, this guy and the unfortunate girl could have saved a lot of heartache had he been up front with her before they were married. If he had told her all about this part of him that seemed to fixate on his adult wife looking and acting like an 8 year old for his sexual pleasure-- she could have made an informed decision about whether she could or couldn't live with his fetish. She most likely wouldn't have married him and she could have been free to pursue they type of relationship she wanted, and he could have been free to look for a woman who didn't have a problem with his desires.

To my knowledge, he wasn't into child pornography -- he just wanted his wife to "act the part". And that brings me back to my situation. I'm fully aware that most women would not be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. But I'm up front about myself and I would never want to string someone along, and then suddenly reveal a very different side of myself. Doing so would be extremely selfish and detrimental to the relationship, to say the least. What you have from me -- from the start -- is complete openness with nothing concealed. I wonder how many dating site profiles go to such great lengths.

★ I often wonder why, when a little girl shows an interest in things like toy trucks, or football, the parents rarely discourage her from being interested in these things. In fact, they often encourage her to experience things that are traditionally feminine AND traditionally masculine. When young boys express interest in traditionally feminine things -- Barbie Dolls, princess dresses, etc., -- there is usually A LOT OF CONCERN and disappointment that he's not a "normal boy".

Is it that we all have a subconscious notion that masculine is "strong, good, and positive" and feminine is weak? Not that long ago -- sadly -- many white people really did think (some consciously, some subconsciously ) that black people were born with an inferior intellect. At one time, there were no black quarterbacks in the NFL and even though it was rarely discussed, everyone knew that the reason was the notion that black players were not smart enough to be a quarterback. Fortunately we have evolved and that kind of thinking is, for the most part, extinct.

I wonder if that feminine/masculine thinking for our children will continue through the ages, or will it evolve into a broader, more logical and humane way of thinking. If you'd like to see an amazing video of how a father responds -- in a very positive way-- to his son's apparent feminine interests, check out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWlsMulh3MY

★ I recently came across a YouTube channel called "Fabricio Castro Fotografia". I suppose I could write pages about this, but I'll keep it brief and if you're interested you can check out his channel. He has a team of photographers, makeup artists, and hairstylists that do an amazing job of transforming teenage boys into beautiful young women. What's really amazing is that the parents of these boys are ~~very supportive and encouraging~~. And they pay Mr. Castro a lot of money for his services.

Very often, the transformation is done for a big party -- very popular among the Hispanic community is the "Quinceañera" party -- the 15th Birthday. After their transformations, they become very feminine and beautiful girls in their formal gowns. They are also coached on feminine walking, mannerisms, etc. But the true beauty of all of this is the look of total joy, happiness, and contentment as they become "girls for a day". I can tell that, in the majority of cases, it's not just a curiosity on the part of these boys. They wouldn't go to all the trouble and expense if it was just a curiosity or a whim. And the parents most likely wouldn't support them unless they felt it was extremely important to their sons. They feel female on the inside and the look of content and inner peace that you see when they are transformed is very heartwarming.

I also can't help but to think that after their "girl for a day" they become a little depressed and disappointed that they have to return to being boys. But I also feel that the parents are fully aware that their child is transgendered, and this is very likely just the first step in ultimately transitioning to a full time female.

This is a perfect example of how societal views have changed regarding transgendered persons. When I was young, I ★wouldn't have dreamed★ of asking my parents to allow me to do this. And if I had asked them, it would have been met with scheduling appointments with a psychiatrist. Coming out as transgender during this time period would have resulted in so many negative outcomes, and unfortunately many transgendered children (who didn't even know what being transgendered was) became emotionally scarred and even suicide victims. I have so much respect and admiration for these modern day brave children and their progressive thinking parents.

★Finally, MMO, which is an acronym for "Male Multiple Orgasm". Although it may sound like an oxymoron, it is entirely possible for a male to develop this amazing ability which most people understand to be the sole province of women. It's not an easy thing to accomplish because most men are wired to achieve orgasm in the traditional manner. But armed with an open mind, patience and relaxation, many men can "re-wire" themselves and discover a whole new world of pleasure. There is a lot written on MMO, so if you're interested in knowing more, simply do an internet search on "male multiple orgasms" and you'll learn about some very interesting concepts.

★ I have not had sexual relations with a partner for a long time. This however, has in no way limited my sexual pleasure or diminished my sexual desire, as I have discovered and refined some amazing um, "solo techniques"😊 that have resulted in some earth shattering experiences. I've also done a lot of research regarding diet, exercise, and vitamin/herbal supplements to maximize sexual response. The results are astounding! But the most powerful and the most important sex organ? Without a doubt --the brain.

One very apparent result of my staying out of relationships for so long, is that I have been able to reflect on past relationships and recognize the things that I did (or didn't do) which acted to sabotage the development and progression of the relationship. Just about every sport at a professional level involves watching films of past performance. A tennis player might see a glaring flaw in his/her form which can then be corrected. A baseball hitter might take note that he is dropping his shoulder too much when swinging the bat and take steps to correct it.

Well, I don't have actual films, but for me the footage is in my head. And I have a lot of footage! If there is another serious relationship for me, I will (like the professional athlete) learn from the mistakes and take steps to make me a ~~much~~ better partner! I promised myself long ago, that I would not pursue or take part in meaningless or shallow sexual encounters. That is, sex without a ~~deep~~ emotional commitment. And I'm proud to say that I have kept that promise. I don't miss casual sex at all. In fact, I have a lot of regrets about being interested in certain women with only one goal (sex) in mind.

I wish I could talk to each one of them and apologize for my selfish and shallow behavior, and for wasting their time letting them think that there was potential for a more serious relationship when my intentions were entirely short-term, self centered, and shallow. On the other hand, perhaps many of these women were using me in the same way I was using them. In any event, it is now clear to me that these encounters were a waste of time and an impediment to the development of healthy emotional maturity.

One issue that came up several times in past relationships was my admiration of pretty women while out and about with the girl I was dating. It wasn't like, "...oooh, look at her, she's FINE!!" It was more like me just sneaking a glance and appreciating her beauty, style, elegance and fashion choices. But you know? --most women have this built in "radar" that immediately notifies them that their man is looking at and taking in the beauty of another woman. There was a funny commercial -- I can't even remember the product--I think it was Corona beer-- that shows a couple on the beach. A stunningly beautiful bikini-clad woman walks by and the guy just gawks at her, mouth agape. His wife/girlfriend, without even looking up from the book she's reading -- places her hand on the guy's chin and pushes it up to close his mouth. A perfect example of the "radar" I just described.

One girl I was dating always knew that I was stealing glances and she never failed to tell me, "I know you're looking at her" or something like that. And rather than apologize to her, I would defend my position and say, "yes, I was looking at her--that doesn't mean I want to date her. It's just human nature to look at and appreciate beauty." She didn't buy that excuse, and I think it was one of the main reasons that our relationship didn't last. Looking back on it, I now see how it made her feel and I'd like to apologize to her for the distress I caused her.

On the other hand, I'm really not sure if I'll ever be able to resist admiring all the feminine beauty that the world has to offer. So if I ever enter another serious relationship, I'll have to tell her these things and make sure she doesn't have a problem with it. I think that maybe, just maybe-- women who have a problem with their men looking at (not lusting) other women are somewhat insecure. A woman with confidence will view this behavior as a natural and harmless activity.  And by the same token, I'd never call her out for looking at other men (or women) because I understand that this is just part of being human. Why walk around with horse blinders on simply because a significant other is by one's side? I'd be interested in knowing if you agree or disagree with this.

This is a 30 year old secret that I have never revealed to anyone--until now: I saw "Dirty Dancing" -- paid to see it in the theater--not once but twice in one week! It's one of those things that should be filed in the "what was I thinking??" folder. I just remember how cute Jennifer Grey looked (before she got her nose "fixed"), and I remember how I liked the music, regardless of the fact that the movie was kind of schmaltzy. I don't think I've seen ANY movie twice in the theater. I've seen many movies multiple times, but none were seen more than once in the theater. I've probably seen "Jaws" 20 times, "Rocky Horror" at least 10 times, and "Blazing Saddles" about 10 times, "The Shawshank Redemption" about 10 times, "Dances With Wolves" about 10 times, "Double Indemnity" about 10 times, and the recently released "Frozen" about ten times! I still don't think I'll tell anyone (other than in this blog) the "Dirty Dancing" secret ...very embarrassing! 😊

This really isn't a private thing, but I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I don't do text messaging or Facebook. I do have a smart phone-- A Samsung that's about six years old (ANCIENT in cell phone years!). But I don't use it as a cell phone. For me, it's a music player, video player, camera, video camera, address book, and occasional internet surfer -- everything except a phone! My phone is an even more ancient Motorola "flip phone" that can't even send or receive text messages -- it's only a phone. I got it on ebay for $15.00. I've lost it a few times and its has always made its way back to me, mainly, I suppose, because no one would want this phone and I guess the finders have all felt sorry for the "low-tech user" who owned it! 😊 If I lost a smart phone, I'd probably never see it again.

I’d love to have you contact me if perhaps: 

You think you're that special person  I'm looking for...

OR, if you just want to be friends....perhaps you have ZERO interest in my lifestyle that no doubt traverses a different path... but maybe you'd like a friend to cultivate some of your interests that coincide with some of mine ---rollerblading, ice skating, theater, travel, etc.

...you’re a TG girl like myself who would like a friend to hang out with, have dinner, go to a show, or go out dancing...Halloween is approaching -- are you interested?

...you'd like a friend for an impromptu visit to the nail salon for a pedicure followed by a fun outdoor (weather permitting) lunch!

...you're a beautiful lady with a lot of style and confidence and you love to get dressed to the nines for a night out at a restaurant of your choice. Just us two girls, oblivious to the gawkers and admirers that we know are checking us out. One night...no strings attached...we go our separate ways after I pay the tab (that's right, it's on me), and all we have is the memory of a lovely evening. It may appear to be a shallow experience, but who says everything in life needs to be deep and significant?

...you may not want to be tied down and you may not be interested in anything intimate or long term-- that's ok --just one unique experience for an evening. And if it leads to more nights out, all the better!

.....you are a fun and adventuresome couple. Many of my friends are couples, so if the two of you think you'd enjoy my company, I'd love to hear from you. I once was close to a couple who came to my home for dinner with me (dressed in my French Maid's Uniform) serving as their waitress. Afterwards, we went out for drinks and dancing.

...you're a straight woman who might be fascinated by the idea of having a lesbian relationship, but also enjoys the company of a man. In other words, ..."the best of both worlds!"

...you're attracted to my positive energy and creativity, but you want no part of my femme presentations. Ok, fair enough. Any time we spend together will be with me in male mode, recognizing of course that I cannot and will not suppress my femme side and I will continue to enjoy this part of me with friends who enjoy and embrace my femme side

...you're a lesbian or bi-sexual woman who would like a TG friend.

...you're an "aging baby boomer" (I cringe when I hear that term and you may cringe also -- if that's the case, my apologies!) who has previously been highly independent, but realizes that growing old (another cringe) will be more palatable with a partner who can provide emotional support and companionship. I seem to be in a state of denial about this issue, mainly because I think and feel like I'm light years away from "being old" but as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, it (old age) will eventually be banging loudly on our doors.

...you are bride planning her wedding and (omg!) one of your best friends has backed out of her commitment to be one of your bridesmaids. Your problems are over because you've found me: I can step in and take her place as one of your beautiful bridesmaids!😊. I also love bachelorette parties and would be honored to be one of your girls!

...and speaking of weddings, maybe you're going to a wedding, family event, class reunion, or other social engagement and would like to make a BIG SPLASH by bringing a fun, fabulous TG girl as your date or platonic friend.

...you admit that you need some practice walking in heels and want a non-judgemental practice partner. Or maybe you want to go shoe shopping together!

...you are a man who is an admirer of transgender girls.  I always enjoy making new friends and it is always nice to be appreciated and respected by a gentleman. I know one guy who is not gay, but he is fascinated by the way I can transform myself into pretty and femme looks.

...you're a man who enjoys ballroom dancing and would like to either take lessons or just get out and dance with a transgendered partner. It's an interesting and intriguing idea...

But guys, listen up: Sending me a note saying only "Hi" or "ur sexy" or in one case, apparently it was too much work to write "Hi", he simply wrote "H" -- won't get a response from me.

And... if my quest for romance somehow fails to materialize, I would be interested in taking an alternative route briefly described as:

...If you are an elegant, stylish, chic, successful and confident woman and dominant (straight, lesbian, or bi) who has absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship (but are intrigued by my lifestyle, fashion choices and musings) and would like me in your life to help you with your busy professional and personal activities. I suppose what I'm describing is a personal assistant (or if you prefer to use the term "maid" please do so--there are some very cute maid's uniforms available that I would be happy to wear for you on those special occasions.😊. I am very attentive, and will give strong consideration to dedicating myself 100% to your happiness and pleasure, asking for nothing in return other than knowing and being in the presence of an elegant, successful, feminine, sophisticated, chic and intelligent lady. To me, giving happiness and pleasure is just as rewarding, if not more rewarding than getting. I am willing to relocate! I WILL make your life a lot more interesting!

✨THERE!! --- You made it though my labyrinth of a blog. CONGRATULATIONS!✨ --- you're one of the few!! 😍 ❤

[veridium]

You Want Writing Tips? You Got Writing Tips

Hello, lovelies. So, in light of my Q&A last night and receiving some asks about writing fanfic/in general, I wanted to make a text post paired with what I said -- mostly for accessibility reasons. I want to restate the fact that I am in no way an exceptional/professional-level/goddess of writing, I am simply someone who wants to encourage and provide some helpful advice to anyone who may be struggling or starting. My opinions and perspective are not sacrosanct by any means.

That being said my advice is mostly about existing as a writer, authoring fanfic, and building confidence as a creative. I am not interested in conscripting people to my personal style focus at all. This is meant to be an encouraging primer more than anything. Some of these will echo my Q&A as well.

1). Writing is first and foremost a practice to enjoy and be fulfilled by for your own creative needs and tastes. 

Yes, we post and promote our fanfictions on multiple platforms, clamor for likes and comments, the whole nine yards. That means it’s easy for all of us regardless of how long we’ve been at it to forget that writing fic is primarily for our own enjoyment and gratification. As creatives we can be told our work is frivolous unless it gathers some sort of outside aplomb, and that our labor is useless without attention. This is not true, and is a pernicious form of suppression. 

If you get a lot of feedback and reader response on your work, fabulous! I’m so happy for you. But I am also happy for you if you manage to finish and post a chapter or a ficlet in the first place. That is hard work, and it’s not something everyone does everyday. Be proud of yourself knowing you’re practicing an art form that not only brings you joy but provides an opportunity to connect with others. 

2). Tumblr is not the Gauntlet of Talent. 

I know it’s also easy to assume that Tumblr is the ultimate bastion of affirmation given the prolific presence of fandom and fanfic. But, let’s be real: we all know this site is a garbage fire. It has been, it is now, and it will be in the future. The way it hinders creative content and its creators is appalling. With that in mind, getting less-than-jubilant responses from the Tumblr-verse is not a sign that you lack talent, capability, or original ideas by default. Once again I wish to point out that writing should be something we all do for our own sakes, for our outlets and desires. Having Tumblr fandom attention is nice, and it feels supportive in my experience more often than not, but it’s also fraught and can get lost in the trivialities of popularity.

Fandom should be community, rather than fame oriented. We should be looking to each other for encouragement, helpful critique, and new, fresh perspectives. We should also respect those among us who do not wish to engage or attend to the attentions of others -- introverted creators matter too, and their points of view are valid. 

Tumblr fame does absolutely infer talent, and vice-versa. 

3. Writing is a Wonderful Opportunity to Build Good Habits. 

The culture of writing until you drop, of staving off your priorities and needs in order to dedicate “fully,” is toxic. It is also unfortunate that idea of “success” is so pervasive because writing can be a neat chance to instill some helpful habits into your routine. From my personal experience, writing is a wonderful thing to do to wind down at the end of my day: I settle in after a shower and dinner wearing my comfy pajamas and I write for a couple hours, water bottle nearby. I listen to music, watch movies if I need muse/inspiration, and enjoy my introvert time. 

Writing as a routine activity can be a conduit for good habits, like hydrating, exercise, other forms of art, and reading books. It can inspire you to change up some old regimens and think in new ways. Writing isn’t just the physical act of writing or typing words, it’s a process. Your productivity and balance is entangled with the rest of your goings-on, your responsibilities, and environment. You can use that to your advantage! 

Because of my writing I have had an excuse to hike/walk more, something I have not always had the time or ability to do whether it be for my chronic illness or demanding schedule. Now I find I am much more relaxed, my anxiety episodes are fewer and far in between, and I enjoy where I live more. Writing has helped me not only as a creative endeavor but as a life habit, and in return my stories have benefited. 

4). Care, Genuinely Care, About Your Non-CisHet White Characters. 

Please. Please care. I’m not just saying like them or craft them, I mean interrogate why and how you’re making them the way you are. If you’re letting them fall into a disempowering trope, ask yourself what the purpose of having a one-dimensional or stereotypical character is for you. If you’re constructing a cis woman character for example who is struggling with internalized standards for femininity or gender roles, that’s one thing and that can be a really interesting character development. 

But if your character is stagnant within that point of view, and their adversities/experiences are not engaging with them, you should ask yourself why. If you’re writing a perspective you do not personally have -- queerness, non-cisness, ability, etc. -- you REALLY need to be critical about what you’re writing. It may not intimately impact you, but it does impact readers who have those identities. If you’re white and you’re writing non-white characters it does not matter whether your universe is fantasy or not, you are and will be writing from a white gaze imbued with racism. You have to constantly monitor and check in with that.

As a Femslash writer one of the things that saddens me the most is when I read a cis woman character that feels one-dimensional, dependent on how other characters look at her rather than someone with their own sense of self, and like they can’t manage for themselves on some level. It’s one thing to grow from those traits and become confident or independent over time -- OR EVEN MORE DEPENDENT AND LESS CONFIDENT BECAUSE SHIT HAPPENS LIKE THAT TOO! -- but the heart of the matter is that there should be changes, fluxes, and impressions in a character’s sense of self. 

Try to think about how your own social conditioning has influenced the way you see these kinds of people in your every day. Think about how you could be infusing biases and unnecessary shortcomings into your characters based off of those misunderstandings. Female characters can be detestable, evil, malignant. They can be modest, or promiscuous, or both! They can be quick to anger, or struggle with depression. There are an infinite number of possibilities, so much so that writing a flat, meek caricature to be a waste of time. 

--

These are my main tips I would give to anyone wishing for my perspective. As I stated before, I am no sage expert on the craft of writing. Truly, I don’t think anyone is. The point is to have conversation, to engage thoughtfully for the betterment of our writing and each other’s. We’re a community and that is what we do. 

I hope this is helpful and constructively encouraging, because that is what we deserve from ourselves and each other. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to inbox me or message me directly. Sending love and light to you all!

-Veri

[pass-the-bechdel]

The Middleman Full Series Review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

100% (twelve out of twelve)

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines for the full series?

41.34% 

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Seven.

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 50% female?

Four.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

None.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twenty-two. Four who appear in more than one episode, three who appear in at least half the episodes, and three who appear in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Fifty. Seven who appear in more than one episode, two who appear in at least half the episodes, and one who appears in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Casting aside—a series centering on a Latina Woman of Color remains notable—the series isn’t particularly interested in excelling on this score. And while there’s nothing huge bringing the score down, there’s a quite a few tiny things which do. (Average rating of 2.92).

General Season Quality:

Quite strong, both as a comedy and when appreciated on its own terms.  Understands the appeal of comic books and manages to replicate it more consistently and better than more traditional, and arguably more accurate, takes. 

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

When I chose to revisit this series, I was afraid that the decade between when it aired and now would make the show less enjoyable than it originally was. Things have changed considerably since 2008, and not only has TV come to embrace superhero narratives of the sort The Middleman often makes reference to, it has also made considerable leaps when it comes to representation. Going back into it, I was nervous that what had once felt fresh and funny would now feel familiar, offensive, or simply unfunny.  Fortunately, no. While there are certainly things that feel more bothersome now than they did in 2008—for example, the series feels heteronormative in a way it did not before—taken as a whole, The Middleman holds up better than I’d hoped.

I read a lot of comic books. My father, who has who has been collecting them for roughly fifty years, instilled in me a love for the medium, and while time has increased my disappointment in mainstream comic books, and their consistent inability to make the most out of the toys they’ve created, my affection for them as a whole continues undiminished.  The Middleman, then, is right up my alley. It loves comic books too, and is actually better than many of them. 

The Middleman is,first and foremost, familiar. Its elements recall a million things. Wendy Watson has a lot in common with Buffy.  The Middleman would fit right in with the Doctor. The universe the characters inhabit plays by comic book rules, and knows that the audience is aware of them. Taken together, all of these things, could have very easily led to a very derivative package, which makes it all the more surprising that the series feels as singular as it does.

Part of the appeal of super-hero comic books is the way their diverse, sometimes contradictory narratives, told by various creators, interlock over years, and even decades, to create larger stories, which in turn help make the world’s setting feel large and interesting, and worth exploring even if it’s not through the eyes of the stories’ protagonists.  It’s an approach that requires a certain amount of time and looseness, and it’s one that has proven somewhat difficult to translate to the screen.

In a landscape that has become saturated with superhero narratives, The Middleman still stands out as one of the few which best captures the appeal of superhero universes. It’s one thing to tell the story of Supergirl; it’s another to tell the story in which Supergirl exists as part of a world that feels just as dense and weird and funny as she is.  Even the Marvel Cinematic Universe, in ten years, hasn’t quite managed it, at least not consistently.  

The Middleman, however, feels large. It feels dense. Its adventures may  be confined largely to a limited set of locations set within a single city, but nevertheless, the series manages, in twelve episodes, to convey a larger world and more history than other shows manage in three times the space and four times the budget. What’s more, it does so effortlessly and fearlessly. It gets that the audience is willing to buy stories of fish that turn people into zombies, or vampire puppets, or two werewolf administrations, and is willing to do so without trouble, as long as the stories are told with confidence and are bolstered clever writing and good characters.

Fortunately, The Middleman has those in spades.  

                  As a character, Wendy Watson is fascinating; like the series itself, she’s both very familiar and yet stunningly unique.  As mentioned, she exists in the same ecological niche as Buffy—snarky, clever, unconcerned with tradition, zealously determined to not let her job take over her life—while at the same feeling quite different in important ways, largely centering around the fact that the series isn’t concerned with making Wendy miserable. While Buffy’s destiny is considered a burden, Wendy’s job as a Middleman-in-training is not only something she got to choose (and can presumably abandon at any moment) but something that ultimately makes her life richer.  In fact, that Wendy is satisfied with all aspects of her life may be the most radical thing about the series: yes, she can have it all, and it doesn’t cause the world to explode.  That this is all true for a Latina woman of color makes it all the more notable, and important.

As a Puerto Rican of color, I really appreciate the depiction of Wendy’s Latinidad, which informs her character in subtle but defined ways.  She feels like my friends and I do, which is not something I can say about a lot of Latino characters.  Furthermore, I love that Wendy has friends and people who love her and are concerned for her happiness. While it makes perfect sense for her, as a Buffy analogue, to have them, that she gets to have them as a woman of color makes it all the more important, given the frequent explicit and implicit expectation that women of color be supporting characters in other people’s stories, without  wants or desires or weaknesses of their own. Wendy cares and is cared for; that matters.  

Another element that makes Wendy familiar is that she is a geek, one who feels considerably more authentic than that character type usually does. Not only are her interests more specific and varied than the norm—her reference pool goes beyond Star Wars and the X-Men—her geekery is not presented as an obstacle in her life,or something that prevents her from being socially and romantically successful. In a world in which loud, misogynistic, and often white elements within the geek communities would claim that they are oppressed because of their interests, it feels heartening to see  the show make a counter-argument. The Middleman understands geeks better than those who would most violently claim that label do, and that makes me happy.   

  Take all of these elements, add Natalie Morales’ consistently fantastic performance, and the fact that Wendy Watson is the honest-to-goodness protagonist of the show, and you have a character that remains a standout in the television landscape, even now.

Then there’s The Middleman. 

Now, I quite like the Middleman.  Not only is he responsible for many of the show’s laughs, the writing and Matt Kesslar’s acting manage to ground all his peculiarities and make them feel plausible, compelling and human, instead of allowing them to overwhelm the character.  At the same time, though, there are parts of him I no longer care for as much as I once did.   

In general, I find The Middleman hard to pin down.  Parts of him remind me of characters like Sherlock’s Sherlock—quirky geniuses who are allowed to run roughshod over other people’s lives because they are allegedly the only people who can do what they do (and, subtextually, because they are white and male). Early on, that impression feels borne out, as he does things like manipulating events to ensure a second meeting with Wendy, or suggesting that Sensei Ping, another quirky (if non-white) genius, should have free rein to be an ass.  At the same time, there is a refreshing lack of ego to him: as he’ll tell you, he’s just the Middleman, one in a decades-long line, and this is both a vital element in his characterization and the show’s overall narrative: if he could become the Middleman, there’s no reason why Wendy can’t. Together, these two elements feel somewhat hard to reconcile.

Another element that bemuses me about the Middleman is his sensibilities, which suggest a certain type of conservatism—he’s a fan of old westerns and their brand of rugged masculinity, drinks milk, foregoes swearing, styles himself in a way intended to honor Dwight Eisenhower, and expresses a degree of gender essentialism—and are therefore hard to square with his overall demeanor and actions, which suggest a generally more open character. It feels as if the parts of him that recall fake 50’s wholesomeness should define him in more fundamental ways than they actually do; instead they just exist, both being and not being a fundamental part of his personality, and feeling contradictory in ways I’m not sure are intentional. It’s not enough to ruin the character, but it’s the sort of thing that makes me newly skeptical. 

The Middleman spends most of his on-screen time with Wendy, and aforementioned hiccups aside, the series absolutely nails their partnership:  its evolution, from the moment of their accidental meeting to their reunion after Wendy is temporarily lost in a parallel Earth, is the one of the series most enjoyable long-term stories. They are, without question, one of my favorite screen duos ever. However, a large part of what makes The Middleman special is that this is far from the show’s only crucial dynamic. The Middleman may grow to be a crucially important person in Wendy’s life, but he is far from the only person, and that matters a lot.   

A tendency I’ve noted in television is that love and affection tend to be portrayed as finite resources, which can only be divvied among people in uneven slices—there’s the one single central relationship, and every other becomes peripheral. Exceptions to this are scarce: Nikita was one; this is another. Wendy not only has the Middleman, but she also has Lacey, and Tyler, and Noser, and the people in her apartment, and even Ida, and all of these feel as important to Wendy as saving the world; it is a key part of the series’ appeal.

Which brings us to Lacey.

As Wendy’s best friend and the Middleman’s love interest, Lacey is a far bigger character here than she was in the comic book the series is based on. She is also, thanks to the scripts and Brit Morgan, a consistent pleasure.  At the same time, rewatching the show, Lacey became another of my chief sources of unease. While I continue to enjoy Lacey and Wendy’s relationship, I now enjoy her relationship with Middleman considerably less than I once did.  The two characters together are electric,but there’s so much iffy stuff in the margins that it’s hard to actually root for them the way the show wants me to. In other words, it really bugs me that Lacey doesn’t care to know the Middleman’s name, and it especially bugs me considering the other characters she is romantically tied to.

It’s one thing for Lacey to be so smitten with The Middleman that she doesn’t care about his name—that can be explained away as a necessary conceit of the story. However, when she also shows signs that she instantly taken with the Middleman of 1969, and when the show plays around with pairing her with canonical-waste-of-space Pip, then it feels like something else is going on here.  Like with the Middleman’s quirks, it suggests something, but I’m not sure what that is, and it’s prominent enough to make me wary.  It’s almost enough to make me wish for her to get over the Middleman and actually got romantic with Wendy—at least, as long as they make a space for Tyler.

Of Wendy’s three core relationships, the one with Tyler is the most superfluous to the narrative, insofar as the narrative does just fine without him when he’s not around. And yet, I’m glad to have him around, in part because of how refreshing it feels to have a white male character confident enough to have no ego that needs defending. Given his and Wendy’s circumstances—he’s broke, unemployed, and struggling as an artist, while she has a job she enjoys and takes up most of her time, which also happens to be the job he could have had—it would have been the easiest thing in the world to have struggle with his insecurities, and to have him be the character in the relationship most in need of support. Instead, he manages to feel shockingly mature, and subsequently far more appealing than the usual love interest.  That the show feels no need to attempt to make him Wendy’s equal feels particularly refreshing.

The Middleman’s web of interconnected characters and relationships helps ground a series that could easily feel insubstantial or bogged down by either its humor or superhero elements in something real. While part of me wishes the series’ universe included more people of color in general, and more Latino people specifically (the only other one is Wendy’s prominent but perpetually offscreen mother) their presence would only improve what is already a very solid group. Overall, it’s quite easy to imagine the series working as a “proper” superhero show, in part because the characters work so well.

Not that I’d want a more serious The Middleman. A case could be made that it is precisely because it is not interested in being a Serious Superhero Story that it succeeds where many Serious Superhero Stories don’t.  It is because the series isn’t concerned about making a boy band made up of four Joshes five exiled intergalactic tyrants feel like an insurmountable threat (until the inevitable surmounting) that it can focus on making them entertaining and memorable and fun. It is because the series isn’t interested in making superheroics the only thing that matters that it can make it feel so vibrant and vital. It is because the series isn’t interested in filling its romances with angst that they are so appealing and important. No, The Middleman isn’t interested in that: it knows what it is, and what it is is a damn satisfying package, even after all these years.

[luwucas04]

BING’S SPEECH ANALYSIS

Bing’s speech was a pivotal point in this particular episode of Black Mirror as it determined the outcome of everything Bing has been working toward since he lost Abi. Overall, Bing’s speech brings both the episode’s audience and real-life audience’s attention to how people’s free will and goals and ambitions are continuously being exploited and capitalized upon. The basis of their life and enjoyment—also necessities like being able to brush their teeth and eat proper meals—are all monitored and determined by how many of these Merit Points one happens to have (or is willing to give up). He talks about how nobody can do anything without it being tied to something that doesn’t even exist; artificial and temporary satisfaction that is manufactured to deter people from things that actually matter that are based on technological validation set up to control them.

(Before I get into why I think this speech is relevant to us, I realize I sound very pretentious in my explanation below so little disclaimer but this is how I feel and it has been getting on my nerves lately)

I absolutely agree with all these points he is making, and I unfortunately see these elements of which he despises ever so present in today’s media and society (although majority of my answers coincide with the takes of articles or characters we’ve looked at in class of modern culture supposedly being garbage, I do want to say that please trust me when I say I’m not actually a pessimist). I agree with Bing’s take because it’s so evident through social media and general behaviour these days that people base way too much value on their digital performance (whatever that may be); and because of how blaring it is, large corporations and business use this to their advantage (much like the judges). People become so lost in whatever temporary distraction they’re given that they genuinely lose sight of things that actually matter. They spiral into this detrimental black hole of not being able to support themselves for who they are, and get so caught up in the staged unreal lives of others that they feel as if they’ll never be someone they can be proud of or could even achieve something great. It’s easy for us to be bribed into valuing things that ultimately distract us and keep us from doing something that actually amounts to something more. Caring so much for the virtual avatars is similar to how people care so much for maintaining their hundreds of irrelevant Snapchat streaks—it’s clearly very weird yet most people find nothing wrong with it. And to top it off, ways have been established to monetize it, too.

Firstly, he mentions that “…the faker the fodder is the more [the judges] love it because fake fodder’s the only thing that works anymore, fake fodder is all that we can stomach — actually not quite all. Real pain, real viciousness, that we can take…”. This picks at how we have grown to find the most comfort in devoting a substantial amount of our time to things that simply do not matter; additionally, the most notable thing to maintain our attention are the emotions that come out of ridiculing others from behind a screen. As Bing says, in a world of superficialities, only negative occurrences seem to be the one real thing that tie people down to reality. A lot of people have become overwhelmed by responsibilities of that of a real, physical world, and primarily feel comfortable/resort to endless scrolling through some sort of feed or intaking information (whether it’s legit or useful or not). We don’t lean toward participating in constructive things much, anymore. Only instantaneous activities that (pardon my language) consist of pretty much bullshit in the grand scheme of life.

Like it’s clear we all collectively realize this yet we keep digging ourselves a deeper hole

The next idea from the speech I want to touch on is when Bing expresses that “That’s how we speak to each other, how we express ourselves is buying shampoo”. People place so much importance in how they present themselves—unfortunately it’s not usually from a personality or morality stance. Seldom do I see others worry that maybe they should do some self-reflecting on why a situation turned out the way it did, or why they feel a certain way, or how they could possibly help themselves in any current circumstances. They drown this out by buying things. A handful of people I know actually have the habit of dying their hair or purchasing new sets of clothes after facing a draining endeavour (take that as you will, they range in all sorts). And I’m like???? While it’s not exactly harmful, it kind of caters to impulsivity and doesn’t really do much to move past an experience you weren’t fond of. I understand the desire to change after going through something unpleasant, like people cutting their hair to signify a fresh start. That’s all cool and good. But that isn’t as easy as clicking a ‘purchase’ button. On the other hand, the whole god damn ‘brand name’ obsession. Like Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, the list goes on and on. I’m not sure if you’ve seen, but in many corners of social media people are absolutely infatuated with repping expensive and distasteful fashion/products made by corporations that pretty much definitely operate on abusing workers in developing countries and ruining the environment. And, especially on the internet, whether you own or can afford these brands dictates your stance in a metaphorical influencer hierarchy. I see people online take it upon themselves to paint these logos onto things like shoes, their walls, or even imprint them into things like food as an attempt at some sort of design statement. Why???? What does this amount to????? It shows that you condone child labour and severely overpriced goods?????? It doesn’t even look good either please do something else with your time for the love of god like what is this

No it should definitely NOT be made for sale thanks

Similarly to people primarily expressing themselves based on their purchases, Bing then explains that “…that’s why when [the judges] find any wonder whatsoever you dole it out in meager portions, and only then til it’s augmented and packaged and pumped through ten thousand pre-assigned filters, til it’s nothing more than a meaningless series of lights…”. Going back and reading this, I realize how ironic it is in that this is the exact tactic the judges turn on Bing in the end. Anyway, this ties into how more and more things (I am realizing I say ‘things’ a lot but it just be like that sometimes) are becoming a commodity as opposed to something you can simply enjoy for what it is with no strings attached. You know what’s weird? In the past two months I have seen SO many people try to kickstart their own business. People my age, and they attempt this by selling their old clothes or making lip balm or bracelets. Power to them, but it puts me off because I see these first and foremost as hobbies (it’s not exactly in the same realm as someone having a business in making and selling furniture, for example). Society has made people feel as if whatever hobby or carefree activity they do isn’t real if they can’t get some kind of material profit out of it—and frankly that’s very upsetting to me. Remember the whole Bernie Sanders sitting thing when Biden officially became president? People decided they loved the gloves Bernie was wearing and somehow found the person who made them. Suddenly they decided they all wanted gloves like that from her too, and suggested that because of the high demand this person could quit her current job and establish a business for them. This person is currently an elementary school teacher who happens to love her job, and firmly stated that she is not interested in giving that up and turning something she did for fun into being a sole source of income (substantially less money than that of a teacher, mind you). We are so obsessed with money in so many ways, and it has bled into how we express and articulate our lives and warps how we determine our values. By all means, a side gig is cool, but how widespread accounts like these are becoming is a little weird. They end up losing sentiment and meaning; mass-manufacturing (the path these people seem interested in perusing after deciding they’re interested in entrepreneurial activities) eventually completely waters down the initial genuine intent behind a creation or something along those lines. I’m worried that we’re losing sight of being able to just do things for our own enjoyment—nothing more, nothing less.