#and well. Even When! the Diagnosed Problem is ‘doing better’ things are STILL Fucked Up

[aspd-culture]

I wish I had the stereotypical aspd that empaths talk about. The calculative and well groomed businessman who’s incredibly independent even at the cost of other people.

I’m honestly a useless loser. I don’t do anything for anybody yet am livid when they don’t do something for me, 80% of the time I forget or don’t do the tasks I’ve been asked to even if it’s the simplest thing. I pass it off to other people. I get threatened by my parents constantly, called useless and a lazy fuck. I’m not motivated for anything, not employed and the thought of it makes me want to rip my skin off or rip their faces off whenever they mention it. It feels like another extension of control. Everything feels like an extension of control and an excuse to assume power over me.

People in my life are moving ahead of me no problem and I’m still stuck on my ass debating whether to break everything in my parents house when they use my lack of employment and symptoms to make fun of me. My friends talk about it like it’s just so simple to suck it up and march forward and I loathe them for it because they don’t understand.

Maybe this is just me being a whiny brat or a bad person

No, this is you struggling with being in a toxic environment - one that will continue to make you feel like this for as long as your parents act that way towards you. It's not possible to heal and recover and learn to process your symptoms and change your behavior in a toxic situation like that. It's likely keeping you in survival mode.

Truly I think in that situation the best way to get yourself to do the things you would need to do to leave the toxic situation is out of spite. Spite can do a lot for pwASPD when we harness it to use for good, since our PD is so reactive to it. If you think to yourself as though you're talking to them "ha, yeah okay sure I'm getting a job just like you wanted right? Except I'm doing it to get the hell away from you", you might find yourself more able to get to do those things. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's something that might help.

And, if it makes you feel any better, prosocials don't actually like us in that stereotype either AND generally ppl who fit that stereotype are in some other way coping destructively. No one who actually has ASPD is managing to not struggle at all with it bc a disorder can only be diagnosed if it significantly and negatively impacts your life. It's important to remember the stereotypes of this demonized disorder are made out to be supervillains - hyper capable beings who choose to be monsters - bc otherwise the prosocials have to admit that they're bullying people who are hurt and wish we could stop dealing with our symptoms just as much as they wish we didn't have them if not more. It's not fun for them anymore if they think about our actual struggles with ASPD, so they try and make it sound like we're having the time of our lives when none of us do. I promise you're far from alone.

It's also worth noting that if you find yourself entirely unable to work without your mental health destructing, that that's called a disability and there are things you can do to either get accommodations or potentially payment for it bc unlike your parents by the sounds of it, the government understands that mental health is a valid reason one might not be able to work.

You're not a useless loser - you're a person with a disorder that is known to be potentially disabling who is being mistreated and stuck in a toxic environment - at least going by this post.

Plain text below the cut:

No, this is you struggling with being in a toxic environment - one that will continue to make you feel like this for as long as your parents act that way towards you. It's not possible to heal and recover and learn to process your symptoms and change your behavior in a toxic situation like that. It's likely keeping you in survival mode.

Truly I think in that situation the best way to get yourself to do the things you would need to do to leave the toxic situation is out of spite. Spite can do a lot for pwASPD when we harness it to use for good, since our PD is so reactive to it. If you think to yourself as though you're talking to them "ha, yeah okay sure I'm getting a job just like you wanted right? Except I'm doing it to get the hell away from you", you might find yourself more able to get to do those things. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's something that might help.

And, if it makes you feel any better, prosocials don't actually like us in that stereotype either AND generally ppl who fit that stereotype are in some other way coping destructively. No one who actually has ASPD is managing to not struggle at all with it bc a disorder can only be diagnosed if it significantly and negatively impacts your life. It's important to remember the stereotypes of this demonized disorder are made out to be supervillains - hyper capable beings who choose to be monsters - bc otherwise the prosocials have to admit that they're bullying people who are hurt and wish we could stop dealing with our symptoms just as much as they wish we didn't have them if not more. It's not fun for them anymore if they think about our actual struggles with ASPD, so they try and make it sound like we're having the time of our lives when none of us do. I promise you're far from alone.

It's also worth noting that if you find yourself entirely unable to work without your mental health destructing, that that's called a disability and there are things you can do to either get accommodations or potentially payment for it bc unlike your parents by the sounds of it, the government understands that mental health is a valid reason one might not be able to work.

You're not a useless loser - you're a person with a disorder that is known to be potentially disabling who is being mistreated and stuck in a toxic environment - at least going by this post.

[drdemonprince]

Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.

I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.

Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life.

Hey, nice to hear from you again!

I totally feel you. When I told a friend years ago that I thought she might be a BPDer, I was incensed that she ended up not taking that comment well. I meant it in an affirming, pro-Mad-Pride kinda way! I was a BPDer too! if she thought it was bad to be BPD, what did that mean she thought about me?

But I was looking at it the wrong way. I had just hurled a still very stigmatized label in her direction as a response to her complaining about real relational struggles in her life, which felt diminishing and presumptive. Telling various people in my life that I'm pretty sure they're Autistic can have a similar effect, even if they're on board Autism acceptance as an idea.

I used to fixate on the time I lost not realizing I was trans or queer or whatever the fuck I am yet. I had a vision of an older me materializing before me at age 16, specifically on the corn-lined roads I used to bike up and down furiously, and imagined telling myself the Truth of who I was and what I had to do to be happy. I believed that if i had known I was trans younger I would have avoided a lot of upsetting relationships, eating disordered periods, and general angst.

Now. I am pretty damn sure that is not true. It turns out that being trans was not a solution to all my problems, it was just another problem that I had. In the sense that it's a challenge to navigate on this bitch of an earth. if i hadn't chosen to be trans i would have chosen some other shit to do that also would have been a major pain in the ass i'm sure. that too would have been an interesting back story.

I dont think I was ever going to be outgoing and unneurotic and breezily well adjusted. That's not my lot in life. Feeling a little uncomfortable in my body and around other people is as definitional a part of me as my wit or my weird laugh. I can kinda love that about myself now, or at least accept it. nothing and nobody actually could have saved me. its just not that simple. but it's been a pretty interesting life.

i think we tend to impose our self-narratives onto other people when we are not happy or we are harboring deep regrets about having gotten something wrong or missed something in the past. but we cant spare our friends those journeys. they should get to have them. it's interesting and enriching to get things wrong, be in denial, cope in elaborate stupid ways, soul search, change our minds, miss something, find something, never know what's true.

[featherwingfae]

Gonna try to make this a "Quick post".

(warning some light swearing)

Maybe, just maybe one of the reasons we're seeing so many new Therians nowadays is because humans have fucked up the earth so bad that the universe just went fuck it and threw in a bunch of nature brains to balance things out. People who wouldn't just be able to look at the devastation of wildlife and their homes and just move on like nothing happened. Because they can see themselves in those creatures, and it hurts them to know that they are suffering. And maybe if there's enough nature brains, seeing themselves in the withering world around them, then more and more people might stand up and say this isn't right. We need to fix this. And maybe in a human world where one of the most lovely traits of humanity is being able to work together a bunch of nature brains with human faces can make a difference. They say animals can't speak human. Well they can, and are. Maybe Therians are the voices of nature coming out from the wilds, to places and bodies where they're not comfortable, where the air is heavy with pollution and trash litters the ground. And they have to learn weird shit like math, and work exhausting jobs that are often just to pay the bills that allow them to keep surviving. All so that they can see the damage from the other side and better understand the problem and together find solutions to stop it.

I'm not saying humans (and others) can't and/or dont do anything. I'm saying it's harder to do nothing when you look at creatures suffering and see yourself. Empathy is a beautiful thing. It helps connect us. But in a world where almost no one can afford the barest minimum just to survive. Where finding happiness feels like a struggle because you're constantly grinding and pushing yourself beyond your mental, emotional and/or physical boundaries, how easy is it to just shut yourself off. To put on the blinders because you're stuck yourself and you don't feel like there's anything you can do, so why upset yourself further by caring. It's sad. Terribly sad. Soul crushingly, heart wrenchingly sad.

Most people nowadays suffer from anxiety, depression or some other mental illness. And yes those illnesses are more known and understood now, and are more easily diagnosed. But I think the reason we see them everywhere now, is as simple as everyone is suffering. The human world in its current state, is not a healthy place. Fun times are often merely distraction from the crushing reality around us. It hurts to accept how much hurt there is right now.

I'm not saying it's all on the shoulders of Therians. I'm not saying you have to quit your job or your school and run off into the wild picking up every piece of litter and chaining yourself to trees. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about the increase of Therians and my personal hypothesis as to why there's so many now. And it's as simple as this. One Therian does not shoulder all the burden of the earth. Just as one human does not. But if there are Therians in schools, going "hey look at this little/big guy isn't he cute/cool" showing their friends and classmates"it's so sad he's going extinct because his home is being destroyed" , Therians on trails, streets, beaches seeing litter and using just a little bit of their time to remove at least some of it. Therians in stores refusing to buy certain products because of animal cruelty/testing, Therians manifesting/praying to help even if it's just a little bit, Therians on the Internet/TV spreading awareness, Therians in government actually trying to do what's best for the environment and the people, instead of just what's best for their bank account etc etc.

In reference to that horrible math stuff, a million ones together doesn't equal nothing. No matter how small an act it still adds up to something. Therians everywhere means more people who can't forget, who can't move on, who can't just shutdown and hope for the best. People who feel like they have to do something. So they don't eventually see themselves disappear (go extinct).

The universe and the earth can sometimes have a funny way of balancing things out. Maybe Therians are one way to at least try regaining that balance.

I'm overjoyed to see more Therians. Because I feel like more Therians means more voices for nature, and more chances to save this beautiful planet ☺️✨🌍🌎🌏💚

Anyway that's my two cents. Sorry this post ended up being longer than I intended 😅

And now my fascinating and fantastic creatures, great and small, furry, feathered, scaled or whatever-ed, and all others of open mind who took time to read my ramblings, I wish upon you a most glorious day/night. May we all follow our hearts/souls to do what we feel we can for this magnificent planet. ✨

👁️🪽✨🌟🌱❄️🪻🍀🌎🍄🌹💚🌍🌵🌈⛈️🌠🦊🐁💙

Till next time

[doctorpandorica]

So Fanfiction, Deadpool and Wolverine, and Logan, made have a fucking epiphany about my mental health. Seeing it sky rocket at the box office, gives me hope that A, I am not alone and B, the world can be a better place. And I have to say, I really do believe both Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman deserve the world.

For the first time in my life yesterday, I looked at myself and thought I look pretty. The FUCKING kicker is I did again this morning and I felt the same way. Maybe just a baby step, but it's a step in the right fucking direction mother fuckers. But, How did I get here (Yes, I'm pulling this shit on you).....

I have horrendous fear of endings and I finally learned....or accepted it's because it's symptomatic of my misery. Things like desperation, depression and anxiety can trick you into the allure of mistaking familiarity as comforting, even when it's hurting you. That you are far less that what you are actually and are deserving of far less than you actually do, that the consequences of our choices are proof that our pessimistic view is the whole of reality.

But, it's only half of the truth and that is the majesty of realism, seeing the glass is both half full and half empty. The best understanding of Pessimism, Optimism and realism can be explained in a quote by William Arthur Ward. Where the three are stuck out at sea on a sail boat,

"The Pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."

To make the best choices in life you need to see every possibility and my heart goes out to those that are so blinded by pessimism, hope seems like fairy tale. I mean it's hard enough even if you can see things are possible but, it's still a bitch of an up road battle.

Which brings me to one of the most devastating ones in my life, the death of my dad. I always wondered how someone who seemed so sure of himself, could understand my pain so well. In hindsight I knew he had very hard life, it shouldn't have surprised me that he not only had crippling OCD, Anxiety but, depressions that at times reached suicidal ideations.

I was more my father's daughter than I realized, and took those fucking movie, to really appreciate what that meant.

Don't blindly accept things, ask questions.

If I had, I would've realized it's not that I don't care what others think, I'm really fucking depressed. And that's why I don't put effort in what I wear, or personal hygiene or wear make up. Never assume to know who you are, that's part of the majesty of life, that not knowing.

You never truly fail, until you give up.

For more clarity , I would like to add, some words of wisdom from a beloved science teacher,

"If at first you don't succeed, find out why"

Treat people fairly, across the board "Give people a chance"

To be sparingly coupled with, both

Trust your gut

This requires a lot of hard work, with self regulation and introspection. I've found DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to be very helpful. Which I must add the following because, I was wrongfully diagnosed with Autism (feeds into the dangers of acceptance). My therapist who diagnosed me ironically introduced to me the saving grace that is DBT. But, told me it wouldn't help me because I am autistic which she came to the conclusion based on ...

Flat Effect

Only developed when I hit puberty, the same time I developed depression and anxiety. People don't develop autism later on in their life, they are born with it.

Black and white thinking

If anything I think this is the problem with society and for anyone to say this about me, has obviously never heard me talk about anything. I found this utterly insulting

Anger prone

Repressed emotions and didn't start happening until 20's

Lack of Eye contact

I get really nervous around meeting new people, particularly if they stand really close to me for some fucking reason.  Once I get to know people I have no problem looking them in the eye.

Lack of Socialization

Low self-esteem brought on by my Depression

Social Anxiety and general Anxiety (fear of doing something wrong)

I actually do have a desire to socialize, but mistook relief after social based anxious episodes as me not liking it.

The same was done with someone very close to me, who was told they were Bipolar even though it didn't fit. They chose to trust they 're doctor, and was proven insanely wrong by they're new Doctor who aptly diagnosed them as having Borderline Personality and they are doing so much better.

Anyway I participated in a DBT group for about 16 weeks or so, one of which was diagnosed late in life with a form of autism. And the difference by the end of those weeks only strengthened my faith in DBT.

Don't start anything, but always finish

Don't go looking for a fight but, stand up for yourself when necessary, emphasis on necessary.

As long as people aren't hurting others or themselves, mind your own business

For some people this can be tricky, especially for those guided by their idealized narratives of the world. Again DBT can help with this in the grand scheme of things.

I mistakenly thought, that because I didn't seem to react how I would expect (bad assumptions) that I was fine. Even though, I was able to acknowledge that I was deeply depressed, which I was able to trace back to age 11, which for clarity was 20 years ago. Which fun fact I only discovered in my senior year of high school, followed by my anxiety a year later my first year of college. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE !!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!! HAPPYNESS MAY NOT BE A CHOICE BUT THE PATH TO IT IS!!!

More In-depth analysis of how Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds and Marvel factor into follow in follow up post. Because This post is too damn long, already. Thank you to those who read it all the way through , I wish you contentment.

[homunculus-argument]

I'm very glad to see that your new therapist is working out well for you so far! It makes me think that I probably should find a good one myself, however I don't really know how to go about that. Not locating one, I mean getting into the issues I need to deal with, especially if I don't really know where to begin beyond "I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up and would like to not be". As someone who's seen multiple therapists, even if the others didn't really click for you, do you have any advice about that?

To be honest, not really. It's the same annoying thing as what people say about dating - you just have to keep trying with new ones until you find one that clicks. But not knowing where to begin is a starting point, and that's still progress if you can find a therapist that seems to be helping with trying to start figuring out what the problem is. My first therapist was the best match I could find at the time, with my problem of "I don't know why I'm like this", and she helped me start unwrapping what I even mean by that.

After she helped me through getting diagnosed with ADHD, and the problems caused by being undiagnosed and unmedicated were resolved, I started to feel like she can't help with the ones that remained. I once told her that being in therapy felt like that joke of a man who goes to a therapist on all fours because he thinks he's a dog, and comes out walking upright - he still thinks he's a dog, but the therapist trained him to walk on his hind legs so it doesn't show. She laughed and agreed that this is essentially what therapy is, and that's when I figured that that isn't what I need from therapy.

The second one was the best match I could find at the time - now that I had been trained out of acting insane, it was easier to start untangling what was making me act in unhinged ways in the first place. Going into what I was feeling and what kind of experiences had trained me into having that kind of responses to that kind of situations. That was useful for a while, but after a time I started to feel like she was trying to make me complacent with how I am by reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with me - she tried to validate my feelings by telling me that I'm ok, and I felt invalidated by the way she was denying that there still was something wrong with me, and denying that I'm not ok.

In three years of therapy, I had gained enough clarity about what kind of a problem we're even talking about, that once my last session with my second therapist was done, I looked up a therapist that specialises in one specific problem that I hadn't even been aware of when I started with my first therapist, and which my second therapist reassured me would fix itself on its own once I'm better. Three years of therapy had made me aware enough of my own problems to be able to find a specialist and point a huge crack on the wall, point at it and go "look at that thing. That's not supposed to be there, right?"

And have her go "oh yeah, that's bad. Yikes."

[thenixkat]

also the president gave shoot on sight orders for the Joker. I dont think anyone would care if a superhero murdered the Joker who's orchestrating the mass death of thousands at this very moment, Nightwing. Get off yer fucking high horse

of course the Jokerization is randomly killing/dropping villains now. We can't have this ass pull have any real long term effects

faces

they got paid. so the doctor that diagnosed the Joker with a brain tumor was playing a prank on the Joker and didnt think it would go horribly wrong

folks making deals with that fuckin brainworm that i know is usually up to some shit

ok just spread the jokerness via tainted rain, sure, whatever

you were just fleeing from Joker the other issue why are you demanding being taken to him now? Fuck it, let Harley go to the Joker so he can rape and kill her, it's what she fucking wants right now. Let her get her dipshit ass killed.

also Dr. Langstrom is that Dr. Langstrom, the werebat. In this he turns when stressed.

there's a protocol in place for getting Dr. Langstron to calm his shit when he goes werebat. They shot him with some calming drugs

meanwhile, Harley is getting cavity searched for a 3rd time apparently by an overly gleeful lady soldier, cause sexual assault is funny when its lady on lady apparently.

Oracle calls in Huntress, a hero known for killing fuckers, to do whatever she feels necessary to save Robin and clear out some jokerized villains. Just dont tell Batman

jokerized, ugh, Killer Croc called dibs on some Robin wings

Nightwing you know better than trying to reason with the fucking Joker. Also staple gun

oh hey Batman put tracking devices in the costume upgrades he gave his allies. Gotta love that paranoid big brother bs. Someday folks are gonna get tired of that shit and beat Batman's ass

like that's rude as hell also fucking boob socks on the fucking bulletproof vest is a shitty art decision

i doubt Tim-Robin got eaten that quickly and Killer Croc is still fucking hungry. Tim's a decent-sized child, with plenty of meat

again, I don't think Tim-Robin is dead. An offscreen death in a miniseries that doesnt focus on him? I dont buy it

and even if he was he'd be back sooner rather than later

also since when does a superhero need to be sanctioned? I doubt Batman can keep every hero he doesnt like/wont bow to him out of Gotham

oh so now Nightwing is ok with killing Joker. It only took the Joker killing Jason, crippling Barbra, and killing Tim too. Damn, fuck you Nightwing

The Joker has to murder and maim multiple people that Dick is close to b4 dude would consider killing him. Man, I'd be pissed off at Nightwing if I lived in this world and had folks I knew murdered and maimed and the heroes only get serious when it gets personal

yeah, these heroes should have more enemies with the common people just for that alone. 'You had teh chance to stop a terrible fucker and chose not to. Repeatedly even tho the bodies kept pilling up' also the folks in charge with stopping the prison riot are …alive after getting sucked into a gravity well. B/c gravity wells transport fuckers to a pocket dimension instead of crushing the shit out of things in this world. They've been dodging the aquatic villains and murdering one villain who's power is he gets a new power every time he dies which is extremely unethical

Oracle switched positions and wants Batman to stop Nightwing from murdering the Joker.

let him kill the Joker and get him some therapy after, yall making this more of a problem than it needs to be

No shit Tim-Robin wasnt dead. They didnt even put a whole issue between the fake out and him being back

fucking bleeding hearted saps feeling bad about killing the Joker. Couldn't be me

Batman you should have let him die. Everyone the Joker kills after this is directly on your fucking head.

yall weak ass bitches. Everyone the Joker kills after this is on you all for reviving the fucker.

the put the Joker back in prison instead of just killing him. so he can escape again at some point for more adventures. Lex Luthor is the president, its not like he has fucking morals or that the global public doesnt want the Joker dead. Just kill him

and that's the end. There's no good reason for anyone involved to not just fucking kill the Joker

the villains dont like him, the heroes should kill him for the greater good and they'd actually be justified in this one case more than anything else, the world governments should want the Joker dead. No one benefits to the Joker continuing to be alive

[p1xiemeat]

I noticed you haven't been as active on social media as you were even a few months ago.. is there any reason? I hope ur okay🖤

aw thank you for checking up on me🥺 honestly i've been struggling on and off with my mental health and trying to find medication that works. i've had it switched a couple times recently and even had a super bad reaction to one that landed me in a mental hospital. (well it was a combination of medication and other stuff.)

i think ive finally found one that works but as most psyche meds do, they've been making me act different. i've grown a bit tired of the kind of content i've been making for a long time now. my interests haven't changed at all. i still have the same interests, i'm just bored of the way i've been presenting them and myself if that makes sense😂

idk if bored is the right word. the "aesthetic"/overall vibe of my social media usually reflects the way i feel. and right now when i log on i see all the things i like but its presented in a way that doesn't feel like myself. its still me but i think in the last couple months i've grown a lot now that i've actually taken steps to learn about my newly diagnosed autism and started getting legitimate help for my bipolar disorder.

what it really comes down to is i just need to organize my brain and my pages on here a lot. i plan on revamping my tumblr and all my other social media to fit how i'm currently feeling. but i just haven't felt like doing it because the smallest tasks like that have reaaally been draining me mentally. it fucking sucks. but its been a lot better since i've had a bit of time to adjust to all the changes i've made for myself.

so i'm thinking i'll probably do a big "update" to all my social media either within the next few days or soonish lol sorry its taken me so long to answer ur anon. like i said, i've been mentally exhausted for a long time now and i just didnt know what the problem was until i was able to start thinking more clearly. having bipolar disorder is so difficult. because its both mania and depression. and it makes it extremely difficult to organize my thoughts when i'm struggling. idk if "regular" ppl deal with that but its always been an issue for me.

my content will most likely still be the same. i just might start adding some new stuff here and there and incorporate a lot of the new styles and aesthetics i've been into as of late. and perhaps diversify my content a bit too, because i have a lot of interests and fascinations with many things that i don't even post about online! 🥰

i hope i was able to give u an answer in the least confusing way possible. i'm terrible at explaining things. especially about myself😂 hence why most of the questions i answer always end up being paragraphs 😭

[antiradqueer]

Trigger warning for mentions of fetishization, pro-c for non-con stuff,paras, and like very little of cult tactics, nothing with much detail I believe. Sorry if i tagged these wrongly, I'm not really good at putting trigger warnings.

Lol, im in the rq community but its like really confusing, i dont agree with some terms that fetishize people and invalidate others but some parts are i agree with too so its weird.

Im not sure if i should leave and even if i do where do i exactly go i dont really know, also some of these terms really help me to explain and express my non-human identity better, and stuff like that. (i only have id with transbody terms that go like 'wanting to have more eyes' or 'wanting to be taller' due to non-humanity, im not sure if that is wrong. Because these terms really would be okay and very nice in my eyes if they werent soo,, interwined with pro-c for non-con paras and actual fucked up shit.)

Also the community is meant to be anti-harasment, which is what i am, knowing that harassment on the internet wont really work in anyway. Though the community is extreme (this goes for antis too, both sides are very extreme which sometimes wants me to just stay in the middle of it.) And people in the rq tend to ignore the pro-harassment rq's by saying stuff like 'oh theyre not actually rq' and that on itself sounds like very problematical to me. Maybe not just me, i have no idea.

I also thought of id as transabled due to my heavy signs of BIID, (though i am not diagnosed so it might be something else, so i wont self diagnose for now since it might be a placebo effect due to my legs not functioning well in the first place) but the things it implied was just,, not something i would like to be associated with. So idk if that makes me unvalid or anything of that.

Im so fucking confused and i dont really like the fact i am so confused and kind of not fitting for both sides and being neutral seems,, y'know,, ignorant to me because both sides have their extremes and problems, so god i have no idea.

Also i did notice rq community using ways that are like,, weird, and i have experienced cult tactics and when i noticed it literally didnt go away so yeah. And that certainly something I don't want to be associated with and harms me too.

Its weird, i have no idea, wa.

Also i quite literally dont care whos origin is what, i used to be heavily endogenic but after a while i was like,, 'dude i cant change these people nor should i can encourage possible harmful things to them and the plural community' and decided to be neutral especially because i have a traumagenic system of 750+ with some alters still heavily anti-endo and some pro-endo. Which again makes me feel like i will not be welcomed elsewhere.

I have talked to a few anti-rqs about my experience but idk

Also i have multiple paraphilic disorders and Paraphilias without disorders, so im not sure if i will be affected in the other communities since of my paraphilic disorders.

So sorry this is like very long, i apologize if i made y'all uncomfortable,, it was not what i intended.

first of all, I will just repeat what I tell every radqueer that comes into our inbox: think about if you really want to be part of and support a movement that inherently supports pro-c paraphiles of all kinds, is racist, ableist and whatnot. you simply can't on one hand call yourself radqueer and on the other hand pick and choose the parts of the community you like. if you use that label, you are supporting the WHOLE community, end of the story. of course there are disgusting people in every community, but it's different with radqueers - for example, there are quite a lot if pro-c zoophiles who are also therians and claim to be part of the therian community. BUT the therian label in itself is strictly against that and will never ever accept those people. the radqueer label however is inherently supportive of and welcoming to pro-c zoos, pedos and necros. and that's the difference. that's why you are still supporting those people even if you only use the term radqueer. please realize there are alternative terms you can use for the same experiences, which are not associated with radqueers and/or are coined by folk who are openly anti radqueer and anti transid.

aside from that, being neutral or unaligned is 100% a path you can choose! always put your own comfort and safety first and if the discourse stresses you out too much, you can always just back off.

I don't have too much to add honestly, to me it seems like you are THIS close to truly realizing how horrible the radqueer community actually is - I mean, you even noticed the cult tactics. but it is on you to take the final step and get out and I promise you, if you do, you will be welcomed by us antis and other communities!

[I won't comment on the endo system part, since we don't do syscourse topics here]

[artsyallouette]

There are no words to describe how devastated and furious with the ending of Good Omens season 2 I am. I have literally been sobbing on my couch for half an hour now after finishing it. Let me explain.

Season 1 came out in May of 2019 (or June. I don't recall). In July of 2019, I was diagnosed with a very bad case of OCD. I watched GO in June, shortly before that diagnosis, and I stuck with it through the thick and the thin. My mental illness got worse and worse over the summer, to the point where I was so riddled with my OCD triggers and a smattering of depression that I was contemplating suicide again, which had never been a problem before the summer, had to drop out of my university classes, and wound up admitting myself to a mental hospital by the first few days of October. I stayed there on and off, with few-day passes, until the middle of November. I went back to school (one class) in December, and I've slowly tried to claw my life back out of the gutter and make it to being the well-liked, Miss Frizzle type chemistry teacher I want to be when I graduate.

Season 2 was announced in 2020/2021. My life was still a mess, but getting better. I happily put everything, all my hopes, on another wonderful season. The more we heard, 'Soft and Romantic,' 'a sweet interim story,' the more excited I got. Others had their doubts, but after season 1 got me through so much hardship and pain, I trusted @neil-gaiman. Even as my mental health crashed and burned again in the summer of 2022, when my meds failed and I found myself considering a readmission to the hospital, I trusted Neil Gaiman and this season.

My fucking mistake.

This season has made me terrified for everything else I was eagerly anticipating this year. It's made me realise that people I respect and admired can easily ruin their own creations in the name of causing a stir and getting their goddamn season 3, instead of being happy with what they got in season 2. It's made me realise how everyone will do anything to keep getting their fame and fortune, and take love story that got me through everything I've been through in the last four years, and throw it into an inferno. Sure, I know the writers and authors don't owe me an ending I like, but to string us along for three years for that ending is downright reprehensible.

Maybe in the morning I'll feel better. Maybe in two years I'll feel better. Maybe, if this ploy works and there's enough hype for season 3, by the time we get that, I'll feel better. But right now, it feels like someone just took a knife to my guts. To ruin a beautiful, million year friendship and romance for a quick buck, turning their whole relationship into a shitty, toxic, one-sided mess and then really taking a grenade to it in the last ten minutes.

I was so happy for this season. And now I have only one thing to say.

Fuck off. You can count me among those who will not be posting again, will not be watching again, will not be helping you get a season 3 when you tanked season 2 in order to get it.

[your-local-grinning-cat]

Che’nya I just found out I may or may not have BPD. Give me advice on what to do with this information

*Che’nya appears next to you and gives you a gentle hug, wrapping his tail around you as well; AR comes out of the Tulgey Woods and sits nexts to the two of you as well, offering their support and is willing to give you a hug if you’re wanting one from them too*

Che’nya: I know the ask was technically for me, but I just don’t feel comfortable answering such a heavy ask with my usual light-hearted Che’nya answers. Which means it’s really more AR’s place than mine. Hope you don’t mind - we both care about you too, so I think it works out. 💜

AR: I will give the usual disclaimer that I am not a therapist, though I’m sure you’re know that and did not come here for that. But I wanted to get that out of the way first so we can just move right along. I will also put the rest under the cut, as this isn’t the usual Cheshire Cat content. 😊

Okay, this is long because not only is mental illness a topic I care about lot about… I also genuinely care about you. You’re one of the people I talk to on here and so I consider you one of my friends. And when it comes to the things/people I care about… I tend to talk. Even more than usual. You have been warned.

Altair, I’ll be honest, BPD is hard - though I’m sure you’re the last person I need to tell that to. I don’t have it myself, but I’ve known people who have it and I know they struggle. So hearing that you have it, or even that you may have, which means you show enough characteristics of it that the diagnosis is on the table… my heart goes out to you. I may not have BPD, but I do know what it’s like to live with mental illnesses.

My advice… I suppose the best advice I can give is to try not to look at this as a bad thing but as a good one. I know that may seem really hard, but hear me out. Now that you’re aware of your BPD, you can hopefully get help for it, or more specialized treatment for it if you were already receiving help.

I know finally being put on the right meds for your needs after years of being misdiagnosed or getting the right therapist/psychiatrist that you just “click” with can work wonders.

Just recently one of my favorite comic artists, “Art by Moga” was finally diagnosed as bipolar after years of being misdiagnosed and going unmedicated. And it has, according to her, legitimately changed her life for the better.

And I know learning I had Dyscalculia on top of all my other problems really helped me figure out why the way I am about certain things and not feel so self conscious about my difficulties with numbers and math.

Those are obviously not BPD, but I’m hoping the stories may end up being the same for you - hopefully being diagnosed will be a stepping stone to you finally finding a better, happier way of living your life!

But I know either way it’s tough to deal with that kind of diagnosis, so I would say try to be around people you care about and that care about you. Be with your support system. Get all the love and care. You deserve it. Do the things that make you happy. Get some TLC. You fucking deserve it. I give you permission to treat yourself.

But above all else, remember that having borderline personality disorder does NOT mean you are broken or unlovable or anything else. I’m not going to say that cliché line of “you’re perfect just the way you are” because even I don’t believe that about myself. You asked for advice and I’m not going to give you advice I can’t follow on my own. I’m not that kind of hypocrite. I always think there’s room to grow and improve and change. No one is perfect. And thank fuck for that because otherwise people would point at them and tell us all to reach for them as the standard.

So you’re not perfect. Neither am I. And the you before finding out you have/may have BPD is the same as the you now…

You are still the person who would send Che’nya random rizz pickup lines that oftenalways ended in hilarious ways that you didn’t intend that made me, and I hope you, smile.

You are still the person who made that sick-ass Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Martian Mickey twst OC and shared it with me and you’re excitement was so fun and contagious.

You are the person who told me about your other twst OC, Pawn, and his sentient mandolin, Mandy, and didn’t even call me rude when I sent you a block text of questions about Pawn’s relationship with Rook.

You are still the person who Che’nya sang an entire fucking Melanie Martinez musical number to, simply because it was you and you’re fun to have fun with.

You are still one of the very few people that interacts with this blog regularly in private messages rather than strictly via asks or posts - because we talk ooc so often, which means you are not just friends with Che’nya, you’re friends with me, AR.

You are still you.

And you is the person I am friends with.

And I think you is pretty damn great.

Che’nya: I agree.

💜💜💜

[yoiku]

Looks like I really have my pondering cap on today so i'm just gonna ramble some more

Since i got diagnosed with AuDHD a few years back, it's been really interesting thinking back on so many different things and having a new angle to examine it all from. There's been stuff that i could even say has felt cathartic in the sense of being able to be kinder to myself about some things after over 30 years of causing myself needless suffering. But also a lot of stuff that I have realised I really need to improve on and either haven't understood or even noticed before. Now that I'm learning about the toolset I've been setup with and have a better understanding of how to operate, maybe the improvement is finally possible. I've always really struggled with asking for help mostly because I was raised to be independent through both useful(actual skills) and harmful(mindset&left on my own way too much) means. The whole "don't ask other people to solve your problems/don't bother people with something that doesn't involve them" mantra i got repeated at as a kid, over time evolved into feeling really proud of being so independent. Nothing wrong with that in itself I think, but at some point it starts to be harmful. It can make you become distant while it feels more like selflessness, esp when you're always ready to offer help but never accept any. And somewhere in the back of your mind there's a bit of that "I'm better because I don't need to ask for help" -attitude brewing as well. All the while I could've seriously used some help on a good variety of things. But no, I felt like I had to figure it out on my own even if it was something that you actually need at least another pair of hands for. Now it feels a bit easier because I feel like I can start with "hey i kinda struggle with these things in general so I could use some assistance" or just straight up say that "uhhh sorry but i didn't understand that" instead of pretending that I did out of shame for not knowing everything i'm ever talked to about. Still difficult things to shake off often because its what i've done most of my life. I also still really struggle with being helped/instructed when I've not asked for any of it, I can get really annoyed really fast with that. I feel like I need to fucking go for a full meditation mode for a while to remind myself time and time again that people are usually just trying to be genuinely helpful because they want to. Funny how I remember that while i'm doing the same myself, but when it's being aimed at me, suddenly it's all upside down, huh. Stuff like this I've really started to see way better after i got diagnosed. Knowing that the wrinkly blob residing in my bone-dome is actually wired differently really allowed me to have a new perspective on stuff. It isn't a free ticket to be an ass or ignorant etc. But if you don't know how it can effect you, it's not surprising if you struggle so much more in so many ways and end up needlessly suffering. So when you become(sometimes painfully) aware of these things you understand your own and sometimes the behaviours of others better. Doesn't happen overnight for sure though. (The depression I've had accumulating since my teens definitely has had a negative effect on a lot of these things too making everything even more difficult.) Then there are the fun little things that suddenly start to make a lot more sense, like being told all of these things repeatedly: - You always seem disinterested in everything/ you're not at all excitable - You sound bored / monotone - You're always pouting / you always look uninviting / you should try smiling sometime ^u^ - You're so quiet / you never seem to have anything to say - You daydream/ space out too much - Stop bouncing your leg, tapping things, fiddling, biting/chewing things - Stop making weird noises - You do [thing] in such overly complicated/weird way - You forget so much stuff but remember the weirdest details about anything

Forever annoyed about people telling me how I look the way I do though, because bitch that's literally just how my face is. The corners of my mouth have never really curved upwards so matter how big of a smile i'm pulling. My neutral face really just looks like :( and when i'm smiling it's more like :I Maybe try looking for the smile in my eyes sometime. And hey, getting older is making everything sag and droop even more, so i'll keep getting more and more pouty with time! I'll become the most pissed off looking fossil there ever was.

[i-am-just-a-skeleton]

i don't talk much about mental health stuff on here but y'know we're having a bit of a moment and i think it's best to get it out of the system so. i guess this is a vent post, fair warning if you do read any of it i will be talking rather extensively about my experiences with depression

anyway i really don't feel like. i mean, there are times i can convince myself that i probably don't actually have depression, like, i feel fine. most of the time, i think. but then there are times like the last few weeks, where i just get. sad, and lonely, and tired, and there doesn't seem to be any reason i should be but it's there anyway. and there are times i convince myself that even that's normal, i mean, it's not like i've ever actually tried to kill myself, right? i spent almost all of secondary school wishing i would just disappear like i'd never existed at all, i wanted to die, but i never did anything did i? i hardly even self harmed, i mean, i can remember, what, once? but like. it doesn't take much reflection to realise that it's not normal for a fucking child to be crying in a corner thinking it would be better for everyone if they were gone and planning to just stay there until they died, thinking or hoping that no one would even notice. but i have so many memories of that exact thing. from so far back. and in a lot of ways i think. i feel like my life was good, too good to justify my ever feeling like that. but god i was so fucking lonely as a child. i can count on one had the number of friends i had in all of primary school and. it's not like i was ever really alone, but it was always sort of, there was the group, and there was one or two members of the group i was friends with. and they all had other friends, but i didn't. i was just. hanging around the edges. until, i think about year 8, because my best friend (that was only the second person i'd ever thought of as my best friend. the first was in year 2-3 ish but he moved away and i never saw him again) had moved and there were. a lot of other things as well, my parents getting divorced, the very first hints of my first gender crisis, i'd just gotten diagnosed with autism and barely fucking knew what that meant but i did realise on some level that there was something wrong with me (which included registering the depression since i finally knew that was a thing. but at that point i'd been dealing with it for so long that it hardly felt like a serious problem).

but anyway, that was the first year i was really, really alone. i had no friends whatsoever for nearly all of that year and i was a mess. i honestly barely have any memories of it but there are several of crying at school which i. do not fucking do. because i. don't really cry anymore, i hardly can even if i want to. i did make new friends in the years after that, but still, the ones i was friends with then i don't really talk to now. and i do have friends now. but i still have that feeling, even though i'm more part of the group now, i have five or six frineds instead of one or two, i feel like i'm just hanging onto the edges, they're all better friends with eachother than any of them are with me, and. and the person who's been my best friend for the past two years is gone and i might never see them again and i'm afraid that even if i do they might. we both might be so different that we don't fit together anymore. i haven't seen them in months i don't even know if they're okay. i feel like i'm getting farther away from the rest of the group and i don't know what i'll do if i lose them too. i feel like i don't hardly mmatter to any of them, i barely speak when we're all together and so much of it feels like i'm trying too hard and i just. i feel like i don't care enough about people because if i did i would put in more effort to be a better friend i would put up more of a fight when i felt myself drifting away from the people i love but. but i don't. every single time i just let it happen and don't do a single fucking thing about it and then they forget me. and it probably is better that way because i was never a very good friend to anyone was i. i'm so scared that i'm never going to be able to live on my own but i know i'll never find anyone who wants to stay with me long enough or be close enough to me to live with me. no one cares and no one is going to care about me enough for that and that's fucking fine. i don't do a single fucking thing to deserve it anyway

anyway i don't have a nice neat way to wrap this up and i don't fucking care anyway because no one's going to read this far in the first place so

[tallsuperstar]

I probably shouldn't talk about stuff but that post I just reblogged struck a chord with me and I wanna kinda just type it out and get it out of my system. So if you don't wanna see my "not as bad as it could have been" rant about my parents you can just ignore the rest of this post.

A bit ago, I asked my parents why they take me to see any kind of doctor or psychologist when I was a kid despite my very obvious problems.

And they didn't answer the question. My mom gave a non apology about it saying she was "sorry" that she didn't know I needed help when I was a kid. Which...is factually incorrect, sorry?

My brother got diagnosed with ADHD when he was a very young child. Like, he was that stereotypical "boy with adhd," very rambunctious, couldn't sit still, etc. And my mom did everything she could to help mitigate it, with this being the start of her caring about physical health and trying to give us a more balanced diet. No more instant ramen every night.

But I didn't get any of that? And to be clear, I wasn't a quiet kid. It's actually insane that they did completely nothing about my behavior as a kid. I was violent! A bully! I destroyed school property to the point that my parents were fined! I got suspended for physically beating up one of my classmates, getting so worked up by the tiniest thing that I would break down into tears and lash out at anyone who got too close. You know those jokes about how as a kid you would poke your eraser with your pencil and create a bunch of holes in it? I never did that. I used scissors. And not on erasers.

But my brother was the one who needed the psychologist bc he was hyperactive.

I don't blame my brother. I wouldn't live with him if that were the case. It's not like this was her fault. But what kind of parents just choose not to do anything when they have a kid who is clear a danger to their peers and themself?

It's this clear favoritism that annoys me.

They instead opted to doing nothing. Actually, nothing isn't the right word for it. I was punished very harshly when I was young. I don't remember it, though. I get a headache if I try to think about it which probably isn't good. They just didn't do anything about my behavior outside of the home. No fucking wonder one of my teachers tried to call CPS.

I think, they realized that there was something a little wrong with me when I developed trichotillomania. I guess ripping out my own hair to the point of bald spots was when they thought "hey, maybe we should get this one tested for anxiety." I guess stabbing myself with scissors wasn't a VERY OBVIOUS ISSUE. By that point, I was no longer the bratty, overactive child who my parents recorded whenever I angry cried over the stupidest things. I was a kid who hid in oversized sweatshirts and locked themselves in their room and only came out when strictly necessary and roleplayed pokemon hunger games online and was in "special" classes that taught how to talk to people and had detention once a week. Not like my parents cared. If they cared, then they would've realized me not doing schoolwork but still doing well on tests was for a completely different reason than why that was the case for my brother and sister...

Skipping past high school, at least I was finally able to get out once college rolled around...being out on my own has done a lot for me to better understand myself.

I still don't even hate my parents...this is just a small snippet from one specific angle about my childhood, but typing it out...helps.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Reefer Madness Lives

This is not such a hot paper, and the peer review process where it was published is not so hot either. Peer review in general is... Let's be charitable and say it's more for money and prestige than scientific rigor. But, just for basic integrity, you need to operate with a double-blind. CMAJ is single-blind, so their reviewers know if they're up against anyone famous or well-connected who might bring them a lot of attention. And their primary criteria is "importance and novelty." Less delicately, if it looks like it will get a lot of clicks and cites, they'll be pleased to publish it. This is not all that out-of-the-ordinary for science journals, and that's kinda bad.

But a paper saying that pot is gonna poison your children and give people schizophrenia will get a shitton of clicks and cites. It's the number one trending story on CBC right now! And there are live comments!

I need CBD and THC to deal with my PTSD and sleep problems. It's possible that, after being under-treated for decades, I will eventually deal with my underlying health issues enough to sleep unassisted, but I ain't there yet. And ya know what makes it really hard to make it to go to doctor's appointments and get care? Not being able to sleep!

I had a medical marijuana card before, and I could probably qualify for one again if I had to. But A) Do you really want me taking up a doctor's time for this when there aren't enough doctors for everyone right now? and B) Legalized recreational use keeps availability convenient, variety and quality-control reasonable, and prices low. If you are going to inflict capitalism on me, don't kneecap what little benefit a free market is able to provide.

Now, we don't want to get people high without their consent, and children cannot consent to getting high (although some of them do need cannabis products for medical reasons), so for fuck's sake store your shit carefully if you've got kids. But "cannabis poisoning" as they put it, means, "I feel awful and maybe I threw up but I won't die, even if I'm super paranoid and feel like I might." Most people who wind up in the hospital are adults screwing around with edibles who don't know what to expect, and all they need is a nice, patient friend who'll tell them they're fine. This "poison" doesn't kill people. Unlike, say, antifreeze, or children's Tylenol. (Although, I hear Willie Nelson's friend had a bale of pot fall on him one time, so it's not as safe as they say!)

And the schizophrenia thing... People with mental health issues self-select for these studies by choosing to self-medicate. You might also say cannabis use has a strong correlation with PTSD flashbacks - because people with PTSD know it helps and they freaking well try it, and sometimes they still have flashbacks. A psychedelic is not the best choice for schizophrenia, god no, but if you're having associated depression and sleep issues and you haven't been diagnosed yet, you might give it a try. Better mental healthcare and better, earlier diagnoses and treatment will address this issue more effectively than yet another moral panic.

But a certain portion of the population is really invested in "drugs are bad" and "drug users are addicts and addicts are bad" narrative. Like, literally invested. It keeps them in political power and gets money for studies like this and "public health" campaigns that are really thinly-veiled, outdated DARE propaganda.

Even this study, which specifically excluded medical marijuana use, found social benefits to not criminalizing drug use and drug users. No shit. People don't get addicted to something because addiction is fun; they have severe, unaddressed problems and they're doing whatever they can to cope with them, whether that's staying stoned all the time or blowing their retirement fund on Funko Pops. And most people who use drugs don't get addicted. (Also most people who buy Funko Pops, one assumes.) Removing them from society and giving them all criminal records doesn't help anyone.

Harm reduction should be the goal here, as in most things. You will never get it perfect, but you need to take steps towards improving the general situation as much as possible. Sending the War on Drugs (really, the War on Your Own Population) into extra innings after decades of failure is... Ha-ha, well, it's self-destructive addict behaviour, y'all. Maybe you could use some social services to help you deal with your problems in a better way.

[dredshirtroberts]

Everyone in here is already in the phone tree for when we go kill my parents, right? (for legal reasons this is a joke)

echocardiogram provided a few revelations for me. Well... it provided one, but then there followed several stemming from that one so you know. six a one, half a dozen a the other, etc.etc.etc.

I need to schedule to see the cardiologist for real this time (so far it's just been cardiology-related tests and therefore mainly techs and nurses i've dealt with there), because they found an Anomaly in my heart wall that allowed a little of the red color to go where only blue color was supposed to go, and also that anomaly was really the only physical thing they could see, which doesn't explain the tachycardia symptoms i'm also having. This is a very fun ride to be on, in case you're curious, by the way (sarcastic).

There are better tests with which to diagnose whatever the anomaly was, but one of the things we floated around was a possible hole allowing blood to go where it wasn't supposed to go yet. Because i have brain beasts that get feisty when I don't know information about medical stuff, I finally decided to look up potential causes for holes in the heart, or other wall-related weaknesses.

Almost all heart-holes are there from birth. the symptoms for children match up really scarily well with my childhood (and also for my today me).

The symptoms also match things my mother would frequently complain about. And her father - who i was at one point told had a heart murmur? but i cannot confirm this at this time, and i keep forgetting when I'm on the phone with him and grandma to check if that was a real thing i'm remembering or if i've cross-remembered onto him from someone else.

Did you know if you already have a congenital heart defect or a family history of them, your child is likely to have one too?

Did you know this makes me furious because I've spent my life hiding my shortness of breath because I was told the only reason i'd breathe like that after small bouts of exertion would be because i was out of shape or fat. yes. even while i was running half marathons, and swimming, and tap dancing, all at the same time. yes even as a child who - i've gone back and seen pictures of me as a kid - was not a large child. (and if I had been, that still would not have warranted the teasing and scolding i would get about eating too quickly and breathing so hard, or exertion, or about a million other things related to me feeling poorly and unable to control it - fat is not a bad thing to be and doesn't mean you deserve poor treatment, and it does not mean that you don't deserve care and it doesn't make you a bad person, and none of us deserved that).

I've made bad health decisions. I've done shit to my body that is 100% my fault. I've done shit in my *life* that was bad for me and 100% my fault.

I know when to take blame for shit that's my fault. I also am VERY good at taking blame for things that are in no way my fault nor do i have any control over them whatsoever.

I'm getting slowly better at finally placing blame where it belongs when necessary. Not getting care as a child was not my fault, and I am not to blame for the issues caused because of that. My parents are. Specifically my mother because she was the primary parent who was stay-at-home and also shared the symptoms i have the biggest problem with now. I mean I know it's hate on my mom week but like. I was not expecting to have a whole new reason to be upset with her like this.

My dad's an ass, and he sucks for a lot of reasons but he wasn't home a lot when i was a kid and he was very much Working when he was home more later. It's an explanation not an excuse - he should have still noticed shit. but i get why he didn't.

I think i'm hella fucking lucky the strep throat+cold combo i had for like 3 weeks in fifth grade that the doctors initially thought might have been mono didn't kill me. I think i'm fucking *amazing* for having done as much physical activity as i did for as long as I was able to keep up with it considering i was not allowed to "slack off" because no one believed I was experiencing the symptoms i was having.

I think i'm a goddamn warrior for getting to the point where i could actually take care of myself and frankly i think i'm doing a hell of a lot better physically than i could be considering all of the contributing factors to how i feel most days.

I am surrounded by love and affection and it's more than i can bear sometimes, especially looking back at how alone I used to be. I pick that smaller me up in my arms. I hold her and I tell her it's going to be okay.

And then I sit down because i should not be holding anything larger than a cat for anything longer than a couple seconds or my heart goes nuts.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

heya im like. looking for advice or comfort or whatever

so i have npd right? the problem is, due to how npd Is, its not really a thing a person would want to go through the process of getting properly diagnosed. so, i have npd but not a diagnosis. im not looking for one, because i know what i am and a diagnosis wouldnt help me anyways

i brought it up with my therapist, and she cant seem to accept that im right about it. its not a "lets say you have" its a "you have" type of situation. i know i have npd, i fit all of the diagnostic criteria, my experiences resonate with diagnosed pwNPD, their experiences resonate with me and even then, i know in my BONES that i have npd. everything i do points in some way to npd- a lot of previous actions of mine make a lot more sense when you look at it through the lense of Me Having NPD. and despite this, she seems to really like Not Listening To Me regarding it. so i had a tiny little bit of a mental breakdown in the session and it sucked and i still feel like shit about it and im kinda scared to go back to that therapist cause like. fuck, man, i dont want an echo chamber i want a therapist who will LISTEN to me and accept that im RIGHT about something. i KNOW im right about this so why cant she just!! fucking listen to me!!!!

and like its made even worse because ive been right about other stuff in the past regarding my own (mental) health and AGAIN people DIDNT LISTEN TO ME. and i was RIGHT. why cant people even just! fucking entertain the idea that i could be right about something! how difficult could it possibly be to recognise that i know what im fucking talking about it!! every diagnostic criteria is there!! the behaviour is there!!! the experiences are there!!! the trauma is there!!! so why are you so fucking intent on NOT believing me on the ONE THING i KNOW for a FACT is going on!!!! fuck you!!!!! (not at any of the mods of course just. god. fuck. i dont know how to articulate anything better than that im so fucking pissed man. its not a "i might have this" its a "I HAVE THIS. WITHOUT FUCKING QUESTION. BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO ME ENOUGH TO GIVE ME A DIAGNOSIS" and i am just so. so tired)

-june . just so i can find this again. thanks

Hi june,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I can imagine how invisible you must feel to be ignored and disbelieved, as well as how this feeling might be amplified by NPD. Please know that you deserve to have people in your life that listen to you, support you, and believe you, especially your therapist.

I know that many therapists like to steer away from pathologization but there are far more appropriate approaches. It sounds like you've tried to confront her about this previously but she has not been receptive. I know the process of finding therapists is not easy, but just consider that you don't deserve to have a therapist that refuses to recognize what you would like to address.

I think it might also be worth doing some self-reflection on what a diagnosis would mean for you, because it sounds like you hold multiple beliefs around that. On one hand, you say that you're not looking for a diagnosis and that it wouldn't help you. On the other hand, you expressed how nobody listens to you enough to get a diagnosis, despite having said you wouldn't want one. It can be validating for a professional to affirm that you have this disorder, but it can come with some added stigma. It also doesn't necessarily affect a therapeutic treatment plan, as a therapist can create one tailored for NPD without a professional diagnosis. There are different pros and cons to a diagnosis, especially for a disorder as stigmatized as NPD, so it could be worth thinking more about.

If anyone would like to add on, feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun