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ennoshawty · 3 years

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HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

#haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu captains #daichi sawamura #oikawa toru #kuroo tetsuro #kita shinsuke #ushijima wakatoshi #bokuto kotaro #x reader

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moonlit-imagines · 4 years

Text

Headcanons for being Bucky Barnes’ adoptive child

Bucky Barnes x child!reader

warnings: knife

a/n:

prompt: @multifandomlover121: “i adored your natasha romanoff’s child headcanons! could you do one with bucky barnes and him adopting a child? thank you!!”

bucky saw someone in need and wanted to help them

that someone was you

he would have wanted someone to do the same for him

“are you okay, kid?”

“i’m fine...”

“are you sure?”

“...no”

you kinda started crying and ran off

but that wasnt the last time he had seen you

the more he’d run into you, the more he’d check on you, offer you food/water/shelter

“i really don’t mind, it’s the least i could do”

“are you sure?”

“i am”

you began to trust bucky more as time went on, he really was helpinh you out of the kindness of his heart

and buck became more protective of you, of course

soon enough he saw you as his child and you saw him as your father, neither of you had had a bond like that before

“i’m going to the market, do you want anything?”

“uh, peaches?”

“got it, be back in a while, don’t answer the door for anyone”

“got it, pa”

that was the first time you called him “pa” and he shut the door behind him and stood there in SHOCK he was so ???!!!!

you asked him about his life, and at first he didn’t want to tell you much

“pleaseee? it all seems so interesting”

“well, i don’t remember it much. and everything i do remember isn’t very great”

“is that why you’re lying low?”

“yeah...that’s one of them”

“can you tell my how you got your metal arm?”

you tried not to pry but you were disappointed that he wouldn’t open up to you

he knew just about everything about the short past you had, all the highs and lows of your messy childhood before he met you

bucky lived in a one bedroom apartment, so he gave you the bedroom and slept on the couch

honestly you guys led your lives mainly inside the apartment just to stay safe

and filling the day was a bit difficult, but you managed

“can i watch tv?”

“after the news”

“you said that twenty minutes ago”

“well, it’s not over yet. just watch it with me”

“can i pleaaaase watch tv?”

that “pleaaaase” always makes him cave

you two also baked together! it calms his nerves

especially when he can smell cookies/brownies/cake/etc baking in the oven, it’s his favorite

“are you sure we’re making these right, y/n?”

“no, i am not.”

helping him clean his arm sometimes

he couldn’t get in the crevices

one day you were watching tv and it said that bucky was wanted for a bombing, which couldnt be true because that was in vienna and you were far from there

“so that’s what you didn’t want to tell me? you’re a...”

“a terrorist? an assassin? an 100 year old man? i...i wish i wasn’t, but i had no choice. i can’t remember everything that happened to me, but i don’t want to. this new life is good for me and you. and i promise i would never do anything to hurt you”

“i know, pa, i trust you more than anyone else on earth. but...what does this mean for us now? the whole world is looking for you”

“nothing, they wont find us here. i’m going to the market for plums, though. keep the door and windows locked”

“yes sir”

“love you, kid”

“love you, pa”

and the next thing you know the door has been opened and you do not know what to do so you hide because that’s the plan you and bucky came up with just in case and next thing you know there’s sounds of fighting, things breaking, yelling

it’s time to come out

“pa? pa, where are you?”

“y/n, get down!”

“bucky, who is that?” -cap

“my kid”

steve immediately: ????¿???

ur WHAT

anywhooo you ended up running with them and not able to keep up bc they were kinda enhanced 100 year old men and you were baby

so the falcon, the REAL DEAL MAN RIGHT THERE had to give you a helping hand

“you doing alright, kid?”

“to be honest, i’ve never flown before”

✨getting arrested with pa and the crew✨

you sat next to steve rogers

“so, you’re bucky’s...child?”

“he took me in a while ago, we were both in a dark place”

“has he told you about his past?”

“i ask but he cant remember most of it, and what he does remember, he’s too ashamed to say. he just recently told me he used to be an assassin...and he’s and eldery man”

“hey, whatever happens to buck—your dad, i just want to let you know that i’ll be here for you, okay? he was my best friend growing up, i owe it to him”

it’s a feat to be a minor caught by the CIA but look at you go

you had to explain how you and bucky became family, which they were not buying even though every word was true

releasing you to steve bc he had some pull

oh yeah bucky kinda sorta went feral and you insisted you’d be able to calm him down but it doesn’t exactly work that way

“pa! i’m right here, it’s me! please, stop it!”

“y/n, you need to get out of here, it’s not safe!”

“i can’t leave him like this!”

escaping the CIA and waiting for your dad to wake up, this is where he regained his full memory

once he was free of the debris, he gave you a big hug and apologized with tears in his eyes (why the fuck am i rhyming)

“i’m sorry if i scared you, dragă”

“i couldn’t ever be scared of you”

steve was so happy that bucky was happy dhshshshhshs

being pushed in the backseat with pa

sharing your granola bar

since bucky remembered some good thinsg about his past, he thought it may be time to share!

“yeah, so me and steve were best friends, right? steve always picked fights with every bully he met, despite being less than half the weight he is now. i always had to swoop in and save the day”

“i can’t believe you were born in 1917. my father is a world war two veteran”

“how impressive” -sam, also a war vet

honestly they didn’t expect THAT much resistance at the airport but everyone knew you were off limits

excellent spiderman who webbed your hand to a car

luckily, your dad had taught you a thing or two and you got to hacking through these webs with your pocket knife

it took forever

but you finally escaped with your dad and who you’d soon call ‘uncle steve’

black widow nearly stopped you, you were very afraid :)

bucky made u stay in the jet “for your own safety”

“we don’t know what to expect in there, y/n. the last thing i want for you is to get hurt. i should have never dragged you into this”

steve casually talking to bucky about you being unofficially adopted by him

“so, you’re a dad?”

“that i am”

“what’s it like?”

“it’s like...finding a reason to get up every day. and a decent amount of compromise”

“sounds exciting”

“you have no idea”

finally being retrieved from the jet to see your dad with one arm

trippin out

but he told you it was alright

t’challa, new king of wakanda who was trying to end bucky’s life just a few hours ago had apologized and offered you sanctuary in his country

he SPECIFICALLY apologized to you, saying that it was unfair to you by trying to hurt your father because the pain of losing one is unbearable in his eyes

getting some much needed peace (not really bc you wanted to train with wakandan warriors)

and it paid off since you all had to fight off a hoard of aliens

“you think you can handle this, y/n?”

“oh yeah”

you definitely could not handle your dad turning to dust :)

:))))))

“y/n? steve?”

no nope no

steve had to take care of you on bucky’s five year hiatus from life (oh my god im sorry)

not a day went by that you didn’t think of him

it kinda sucked bc you didn’t have any pictures together or anything, only pictures from the 1940’s that steve pulled out every once in a while

“doing okay, y/n?”

“not really”

“do you want to come and watch a movie with me or something? im still not completely caught up on everything i missed”

after five years, there was a breakthrough and it was finally time to get your dad back

but he probably wouldn’t recognize you...you’ll find out soon enough

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm // @ofthedewthesunlight //

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x child!reader #winter soldier x reader #winter soldier #winter soldier imagine #marvel #marvel x reader #marvel imagine #avengers #avengers imagine #avengers x reader

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minisoc · 3 years

Text

As requested, line by line breakdown of testoster2's anti communist rant about parties.

> idk which baby leftist needs to hear this

off to a great condescending start from someone whose only left credit is claiming to be on the left on their Tumblr

> but joining a socialist party will be a waste of your time.

I couldn't imagine a more cop opinion to start us off with. i see things like this and i think: whose interests does this serve? "oh no baby leftists, don't join a party" just brings to mind this image

> you'll probably have to pay a monthly due

that's true. every communist party in history has taken dues from members. it's typically scaled to what you can manage though and it's part of the collective effort of the party organization to make social change. my dues sent comrades to Venezuela and Cuba to learn from socialists there, they produced our programs for free lunches, it built our community centers. i have no regrets about paying my dues, i pay dues to my union as well.

> that goes to like. flyers no one reads

projection. sounds now like op is defending their own lack of action with a lack of belief in the possibility of change. in my experience people do read things and even change their minds after reading things. if people were not able to be affected by the written word then propagandists on all sides would be in a tough situation.

> that you yourself will have to give to people

oh no, you mean joining a party means you might have to do outreach and talk to people? can see why it's not for op, then.

> (this in case the money doesn't go straight in the party leader's pocket).

op has never seen this but says it like it's a fact. it would be pretty easy to find out if your party leadership is embezzling and your party should be structured in a way that you know they'd be thrown out if they betrayed everyone like this. i have that confidence in my party, at least.

this is also very reminiscent about how anti communists engage with propaganda. they feel comfortable making claims of any kind whether supported or not. anyway, this is another obvious cop opinion.

> you'll waste time writing papers and reports and shit, it'll feel like having a second job.

not explained is why writing is a waste of time. i think writing for a party is almost always a useful activity, whether you're making plans for a new action or campaign or producing new agitational materials or analysing the results of previous work so you can improve on it.

it is a job, though. being a communist does mean doing work, society won't change by sitting at home and attacking communist parties on Tumblr. the lifelong sacrifices made by hard working communists are why we have seen so many socialist victories in the last century.

> the most exciting events will be lib shit like elections

this again can only be projection. the most exciting times for me have been in some of the countries largest protest actions, organizing campaigns to free political prisoners, providing at risk communities with basic needs and engaging with them, building new unions, etc. etc

> or peaceful protests that the party would still organize w/o you as a member

here's the key issue with op i think. they want to be vital to the revolution. they don't want to think that they're only one of many people all working together. yes it's true the party will continue without you, especially a wannabe cop like you. but it doesn't mean party work is useless, it just means you are useless as an individual.

> (showing up at a protest w/o having a party affiliation gives you more freedom

freedom to do what, i do wonder? being afraid of party work bc it doesn't let you do whatever you want is kinda silly, if you don't want anyone to ever tell you what to do then yeah don't join a party. if you want to make change in the world then do.

> + makes you a bit less arrestable - as opposed to if a cop saw you carrying a name tag w the hammer and sickle on it. just fyi)

this again appears to have been just made up by op. I've never been arrested for wearing a pin or a party tshirt. i don't know a single person who has. and I've known plenty of people without any markings get arrested.

> all this w/o even mentioning how (depending on your luck) there could be a lot of infighting, splits, sometimes purges

well yes it sounds like there would be a lot of drama wherever op goes but it doesn't seem to be the case generally. my party did form in a split, but over 15 years ago. i don't see any reason to worry that it would happen again any time soon. we don't infight at all, sorta the concept of the party is people who want to work effectively together.

another bit of funny evidence that op is anti communist is the inclusion of the word purges, lol. purge means expulsion from party, ooh very sinister.

> all in all, joining a socialist party is a very, Very ineffective way of building communism lmao

well first it's simply a truth that no socialist country was ever built without a communist party. not one.

but also, did any of ops points have anything to do with effectiveness? all i gathered is they're pushing an individualistic, don't tell me what to do outlook. and the condescension about protests and flyering suggest they want something more adventurist, possibly involving violence. remember the fbi and police always instigate when they infiltrate groups. they always push for criminal actions and violence.

> i'd instead recommend you talk to your neighbours abt their lives, and see how you can help each other.

hey, guess what a party does! do you think our new tenants unions and unemployed councils could come into being without talking to neighbors? do you think our new unions could come into being without discussing the way we could help each other?

> if you live in like a very rich neighbourhood or something, instead of joining a socialist party

well isn't this an interesting premise. i wonder what it says about op that they want to emphasize what the well off should do.

> it'd be way more effective if you joined a liberal/conservative party and then fucked their shit up as much as possible

sure, just see every other attempt in history at wrecking or entryism with the Democratic party. i encourage you to look into it

> if ur only goal is meeting other leftists, only go to the first 2 or 3 party meetings, by then you'll know the scene and you'd have already befriended the interesting people. that;s my advice at least

this piece of advice is generally good. in fact before applying to join any party if at all possible i encourage you to meet with the members local to you, see how they work, see what you think of their ideas and what they're doing. if they're not active in your community, ask why not. there's nothing requiring you to join if it isn't for you. but if you want to make change in this country, learning how to do it from those with experience is best. and working together in an organization that can effectively chart a path forward is the only option there is. every communist revolution was built with the leadership of the communist party.

#testoster2 #close reading #communist parties #socialism #us politics

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neoraso · 4 years

Text

royal guard!minho

requested | some gender neutral hc for how he starts to wish he was maybe more than just a guard to you

to put things lightly, minho was the ace of your entire guard

like he was better than anyone …at everything

so originally he was on (your father) the king’s immediate guard

he was nothing but professional and saved the king too many times to count even from like stepping on rocks idk

when you turned like 17 and had to do more public appearances obv u were in a lot more danger so ur father jumped at having minho reassigned to u as the head of your personal guard “nothing but the best for his child”

the first time you met him… he only nodded or said yes or no to everything u asked him n ur jus like ok not much of a talker that’s not so bad ig haha ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

he was so quiet and “polite” for months despite you constantly trying to get something out of him

ur other guards always tried not to laugh bc if only u knew he had like two friends and was generally a pretty serious guy

but one day there was a festival in your kingdom’s central city so obv you had to make an appearance which u were very excited abt bc you only get to go into town like twice a year and THIS was one of those times

being “of age” and that much closer to taking the throne you might as well have painted a big red target on your head to signal people against the throne

everything was going fine, everyone was having fun and you decided to visit some of the booths and musicians around the square

minho was already suspicious of the situation and tightens the rest of your guard without u evenn rlly noticing but like

just as you turned to show these cute little candies to minho to maybe get a reaction for once -

the second he looks at you, someone moves to grab you but the flash of a knife in his other hand causes minho to jump immediately into action

honestly who knows what rlly happened minho moved so damn fast but the next thing you know, ur in the middle of your whole guard squad

looking through the gaps of their shoulders you see minho pinning down your assailant with a blade against his neck waiting for someone to arrest him even though he rlly wanted to just execute the guy right there

the festivities were kind of killed for u after that bc you and your family were rushed back home which u might’ve been more sad abt if u werent in so much shock :<

obv minho was the one to escort you back but like all he said was “you’re okay?” and after u dumbly nodded with wide eyes he walked with you but kept a hand around your shoulder

no one really talked after that which wasn’t unusual for him but in his mind he was rlly like

“?? ok i know its literally my job to protect this family but?? hm whyyyy do i seem to care sm more rnnn??//?” help him sdhskjd

u just looked so shaken up and disappointed and suddenly he was like damn </3 they rlly have no fun in their life and this one time they could was ruined :///

u had to stay inside for weeks after that bc it turns out there was a whole conspiracy to “eliminate” your family line so you waited in safety until the criminals were “taken care of”

minho had everything triple checked around the castle for your safety and secretly made sure you had extra treats and warm drinks sent to your room sometimes with little notes that he had the cook pretend to have sent because lately he’d heard you had trouble sleeping sometimes he’s shy boy aw

he started to realize how much he had gotten used to your smile and your little jokes and the way you sometimes tripped on the corners of rugs. and he thought maybe it was a good thing you guys didnt have many interactions lately because he was way too attached

you on the other hand, couldnt even rlly complain about having to stay inside so much bc you had everything you needed and- you knew it was for ur safety but- it wassss kind of suffocating at times

u tried sneaking out at first ((just to the garden!!)) which obviously was a bad idea bc it’s impossible to get past minhos fcking hawk eyes lmao

he STILL didnt say anything like he would just follow right behind you

n like u kinda huffed but whatever honestly at least it was just him and not 15 other guards like everyone acted like you needed

plus it was somewhat comforting to have someone so solid around even if he never talked smh

one night you sat near the little pond and tried to calm your mind by watching how the moonlight rippled in the water

you can feel him behind you so u just turn around and look at him ignoring how he was already looking at you

“would you at least sit with me?”

he kind of hesitates bc …what if someone tried to come up behind you? but with the sad look on your face he cant help but give in and sits on the stone bench at the opposite end of you

it becomes actually somewhat peaceful until you just decide to ask everything you’ve been wondering n u just blurt out-

“would it kill you to talk with me once in a while? i mean, talk like a normal person and not a machine? i dont bite i promise..”

he furrows his brow bc he’s shocked you cared at all and also he doesnt rlly know how to respond without being like “its not really in my job description to make conversation” but he honestly just thought you were being talkative out of niceties.

before he could even form a sentence you continued,

“i mean- i’m always trying to get your attention. i dont get to meet many people for obvious reasons but my guards are the closest people to me-literally, and i dont want there to be a big gap between us just because of my status..”

he cuts you off before you ramble yourself to death

“i didn’t know you were this troubled by it… i just take my job very seriously and i dont want to risk anyone’s safety for the sake of conversation”

u almost roll ur eyes but not wanting to be rude ur just like “even at home? i know you’re serious about your duties, believe me, i just… i get lonely.”

smthing inside him literally breakkkssss when you say that like u are such a pure and sweet person that deserves to have all the love and friends and fun in the world so he just gets quiet for a second and looks down

“im sorry.” he said it so softly you almost didnt hear him “i’ll be there for you more- if thats what you need. im essentially in charge of your safety and care and i’ll do anything to fulfill that responsibility.”

ok.

well this was good right? so why did you still feel unsatisfied?

“i dont want to just be a responsibility, cant we just be like friends? or…”

you cut yourself off before talking too much again

you had to admit to yourself you had developed a bit of a liking for minho, not just because he was probably the most handsome person in your kingdom, not even just because he saved your life, but he had really been a pillar of security in your life and you respected his loyalty and ambition.

he was more than admirable and everything you wanted as a standard for your kingdom

sometimes you let your mind wander to him getting on one knee and leading alongside you..

no, now youre getting sidetracked and delusional and he can practically hear the gears turning in your head so he stands up and reaches his hand out for you to grab

“of course you’re more than a responsibility to me, come on, lets go inside it’s getting cold.’

taking his hand and realizing the conversation was over, you moved to link arms instead as he walked you all the way to your bedroom door

u slept a lot better that night

from that point on you could not get rid of minho

like everyone was borderline uncomfortable with how jarring his change in attitude was

like he was constantly behind you looking right over your shoulder or grabbing your arm to stop you from bumping into things

even when he wasnt technically on duty he had taken it upon himself to give you little lessons in archery and even some defensive moves to help you protect yourself in case someone wasnt fast enough to help you

your tried not to get flustered every time he adjusted your form and the way you could feel his breath behind your ear

or the head pats when he walked you to your room at night

or his hand on your back when you guys would take walks in the garden

honestly it did not take long until one night you were sat next to your pond and after some comfortable small talk you noticed how close his face was to yours

but he noticed you didn’t pull away even as he leaned in closer and finally just kissed you

when he pulled away and saw your eyes still closed and how soft you looked his heart almost exploded

“i didnt mean to make things weird i just,, couldnt help myself, sorry”

his rushed confession pulls you out of your daze and you’re so happy (a little shocked) but you’re quick to reassure him

“it’s ok, i’ve been wanting you to do that for a while …”

he’s jus like “rlly?😳”

obviously this complicates things a lot and you aren’t really sure if you would even be allowed to have a relationship with minho bc of ur position

or if he would get in trouble for breaking the rules of attachment to u

all of this is kind of racing thru both of ur minds as you look at each other but you laugh after u both start talking at the same time

you prod him to go first so he grabs your hands and says like

“look i care about you a lot, and i know we’re not really supposed to be doing this but if i can be by your side … beyond my duties…i would really love to. but if we can’t, i can survive with just being here to protect and serve you in anyway i can”

he’s so honest and genuine and earnest it shocked u a little

even tho you were uncertain abt the situation as well you knew you had grown a little too fond and dependent on minho that you would do anything to make it work

luckily an arranged marriage was not required for you so that wasnt really the issue, but falling in love with someone not at all royal..? it was a daunting thought how the idea would be perceived

you wouldnt have said anything if you both weren’t completely sure of your feelings; but you really could not imagine being content or safe spending your life with anyone else so you mustered up the courage to ask the king and queen…

when you brought it up to your parents they looked pretty concerned

minho went on the whole “i’ll do anything to protect them and this kingdom” speech and your father just waved him off and was like

“i know u would …. i’ll allow it because there’s really no one better to represent the kingdom and because i want only the best for my child ;)”

u and minho were literally in shock but just quietly said thank u and left the room

when you had privacy he immediately pulled you in for a kiss (maybe several all over ur face)

you had a lot to figure out and many responsibilities but now you had an amazing person by your side to help you through it :.) <3

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sinkix · 4 years

Text

~ Haikyuu!! Boys baking with reader - Ft. Ushijima, Tendou, Oikawa, Hinata & Nishinoya ~

YO! SO UHHHH... I’M BACK??? I GUESS?? MAYBE??? After a little break I had this in my drafts for a while and realllyyy wanted to complete it since it’s such a cute concept. Honestly at this point my posting frequencies are so sporadic and random pls forgive me lmao.

@deathcab4daddy gave me the inspo to include Ushi and it was so funny coming up with ideas for him, he is no.1 country boi chef

Dude I’m listening to the Mario Kart soundtrack ‘Coconut Mall’ while I continue writing this someone save me. Like u think I’m joking. UR WRONG.

Ushijima:

The most straightforward yet idiotic baker you will ever come across.

Before you even THINK about performing step 1, he will read the entire fucking leaflet like it’s a Shakesperean monologue.

INGREDIENTS INCLUDED.

LIKE SIS I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW IT CONTAINS MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE THANK YOU.

I’m surprised he doesn’t count every single particle in the brownie mix.

You bought him a frilly cupcake-printed apron stating ‘best wife’ not expecting him to actually wear it

But since he’s secretly a big softie and treasures anything you buy he wears it proudly.

His stoic and dignified disposition is a comical contrast to the words printed on the front lmao.

Ushi best wifey bro.

The tight fit of the apron is pretty hot since it outlines every ridge of his pecs and tightly toned torso.

Gotta resist groping your mans while stirring the brownie batter.

tbh he’s more likely to grope you, he can’t resist that a$$.

And let’s face it he’s def an ass/thigh kinda guy.

Can and will try to casually initiate some form of unholy activities by lifting you up onto the kitchen counter, goading you to slowly lick the spoon and locking gazes before pulling you in for a deep, open-mouthed kiss to get a taste of the incomplete creation himself.

Ushi’s lips and brownie batter are a knock-out combo js.

Literally has the most serious face when he’s cracking the eggs into the bowl

The amount of concentration is equivalent to that of when he’s performing a serve at match-point.

HAS to set the temperature to the EXACT degree stated on the box

Everything is done by the book if you do one thing out of place he will pull you up on it lol.

“(Y/N) you were supposed to stir it for 5 minutes, not 7.”

When its done you feed him some and he can’t help but smile its so ADORBALE AHHH.

You end up eating most of it since Ushi doesn’t strike me as much of a chocolate/junk food lover.

STILL A VERY FUN BUT F R U S T R A T I N G EXPERIENCE.

Tendou:

The complete opposite of Ushi

Does everything wrong and the unconventional way.

Absolute disaster but doesn’t even sweat it since Tendou basically thrives in chaos and the disorderly.

To him instructions are purely equivocal, will read them for five seconds then toss them away.

Step aside Gordon Ramsey, Chef Tendou is here.

Despite doing everything the unorthodox way it still comes out amazing.

Like??? how???

Will cheekily place a dollop batter on your nose then lick it off fh3jkeffefds

Or if he’s feelin’ a lil freaky, he’ll swipe it off with his long ass finger and make you suck it clean, smirking at your submission as you coat his finger with your saliva.

oop-

Constantly cracking jokes and shitty food puns, pretending to drop the bowl to make you go into preemptive cardiac arrest before you can swat him with the spatula.

While you’re waiting for the timer to ping, Satori being the schemer he is will use this as an opportunity to pull some fuckery and tease you in any way he can.

u better be praying like bodhisattva TanaNoya rn because he is MERCILESS.

Suggestive comments, the brush of his fingers against your thigh, it’ll leave you A C H I N G in frustration by the end of it.

Unholy activities aside, once your baking session is completed you finish it off by feeding PHAT forkfuls of brownie to each other and giggling like dorks when it gets all over your mouth.

The jackass actually got a fingerful and SMEARED it over your cheek and forehead, drawing a little cross and snickering when the crumbs fall onto your nose.

Tendou was smart to draw a cross bc he gonna need jesus with the ATTACK you launch on him after that, which promptly leads to an all out food war in your kitchen that neither of you want to clean up after ward.

Don’t worry though it’s Tendou, he’ll somehow find a way to make such a mundane activity fun.

Nishinoya:

stirs WAY TOO VIOLENTLY

IT’S LIKE AN ELECTRIC WHISK ON OVERDRIVE.

IT WILL SPLATTER OVER THE COUNTER, CUPBOARDS AND EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR WITHIN A 1 MILE RADIUS.

You best believe he will try and eat some of the batter and you have to swat the spoon away from his mouth since he has NO REGARD FOR THE FACT HE COULD GET SALMONELLA.

Plus you know what Noya’s like once he starts eating something the whole thing will be gone in a matter of milliseconds.

He somehow managed to get Baking powder EVERYWHERE and even gave him self a little moustache with it.

The white substance kinda looked like something else but you didn’t really wanna say lmaooo.

could explain why he has so much energy all the time oK ILL STOP-

While you’re putting the mix on the tray he is SO extra and will do fancy lil swirls and over extend his arm like a swan to gracefully spread the batter

until he nearly fucking knocks it over.

During processing time since he is so excitable and impatient you best believe he’s gonna suggest a game of ping pong or something because my guy can well and truly never sit still.

ping pong match with the spatulas, kitchen island and a hard boiled egg.

Pls be careful he will rolling thunder that egg and pimp slap it so hard with the spatula it’ll damn near give you a concussion, not intentionally, but like protect your noggin. Wear a helmet.

For the remaining 5 minutes of baking time y’all just sit like kids in front of the oven and watching it rise like starved hyena’s observing it’s pray before demolishing it into sad particles of cocoa.

And lemme tell u, once the timer pings, that baking tray is free real estate for Noya. Half of your creation will be devoured before you can even put it on a plate and marvel at your handiwork.

He kicked your ass at spatula ping pong btw I’m sorry sweaty but short kings stay winning.

Oikawa:

Such a dramatic bitch like he got the whole she-bang going on.

Strapped with a pink apron, a whisk at his side and standing proudly with both hands on his hips.He is prepared like a greek gladiator going into battle.

You better believe he gonna make some snarky remarks and tease your method of doing things.

“Ah-ah-ahhh (Y/N)-chan you’re doing it all wrong, let me show you how a PRO does it.”

Proceeds to drop entire bowl on his foot and yelp like a little girl in pain.

Well and truly embarrassed with himself, you put a band-aid on his toe and he piped down after that.

Shattered big toe and mixing bowl aside, actually a really good baker??

He is a PRO at decorating, y’all decided on cupcakes since its literally his forte to make them look aesthetic and pretty.

You almost don’t wanna eat them from how good they look.

jk almost

You take it in turns breaking bits off and placing pieces into each others mouth with a loud “aaaaaahhh!”

Places a piece in your mouth, leans forward and locks lips with you in a soft, passionate kiss before pulling away and uttering the words “It tastes even better coming from your mouth ;)”

hnnnNNGGGGGGggGg.

You both whine and bicker over who cleans up after.

“You cleaaannnnn!”

“no Toru YOU clean!”

“but I made the cupcakes look pretty :(”

“not as pretty as you <3″

He did the cleaning after that.

Like just stroke his ego with some compliments and he’s whipped with a smug grin on his face for the next 30 minutes.

You decide to save the rest and bring them to his next practise.

Literally on the verge of tears when he sees you beaming and holding the platter of treats, Kiyotani mauls half of them in a matter of seconds to which Oiks gets salty over LMAO.

Hinata:

So excited oh my god he’s so precious please protect him I will CRY-

Has a little sunflower apron on and JBJKNDDDKDW IM SMILING JUST IMAGINING HIM FIDGETING IN EXCITEMENT OVER THE THOUGHT OF BAKING COOKIES.

Yes you decided on cookies bc he goes rabid for some choc chip biccies.

You have to guide him v carefully because of how easily confused and clumsy he is.

Cannot for the life of him crack the eggs without getting a quarter of the shell in the bowl so you have to do it instead.

Has a surprising amount of strength and forearm power bc holy shit boy can stir FAST.

Hums a little tune while he does it and bobs up and down with a wide grin on his face it’s so adorable, he has such a gentle singing voice I can’t-

Attempts different shapes with the batter when pouring it onto the tray but fails pretty miserably lol.

he tried ok???

Once they’re done he takes the tray out of the oven and since it was heavy, subconsciously propped it with his knee and nearly dropped the entire tray from the pain. (I’ve actually done this before when making chicken nuggets I do not advise being that brain dead)

Had to put some burn cream on the bbies knee :’((

When you decided to dig in, he handed you a cookie that looked like a crooked circle and said he tried to make that one a heart and insisted he feed it to you.

Blushed VERY hard at the moment of silence and intense eye contact while he fed it to you.

Nearly short circuited when his fingers brushed against your lips.

Moe moe x100000000000000000000000000000

You offer to do the cleaning after because he hurt himself and you didn’t wanna make him do any work, but he still offered to wipe the surfaces for you bc he’s an angel <333

literally just wanna marry him.

250 notes · View notes

honeydots · 4 years

Note

174 for the persona topic of ur choice [big eye emojis]

“I don’t owe you a damn thing”

Summary: A week after the announcement of Akira’s death, a certain Goro Akechi walks into the café, leaving Akira with limited options and an exciting new high.

(ao3 link)

Sojiro left to get cigarettes.

The café was quiet as usual. Akira tried to eat his curry as slowly as he could, savoring each bite like it was his last. His days were slow now, and tense. Eating was one way to fill up his time. Chew, swallow, repeat. Chew, swallow, don’t think about the yellow bruise on his jaw and how it aches when he bites, repeat.

Morgana lounged on the counter next to him. Akira would sometimes offer his spoon and let him lick off the remains. It felt normal, and it felt safe. Safe enough that he could take off his stuffy hood in there, confident that there was no one to hide his face from.

The announcement of his death had been just over a week ago. Thinking about it gave him a high, a tingling buzz in the back of his head. Another way to keep himself entertained during long mornings. He was buffered and bruised, but still up and kicking. It was easy to remember how hard his heart pounded, and how each pulse fueled his ego a bit more. He had been scared out of his mind, and that was just where the thrill lied.

But the highs would come down and the excitement would leave, and he would be left sitting in a café, laying low and silent. His only job now was to heal and prepare himself for their next battle. Which, as fun as a rush of adrenaline could be, was nice in itself. He could relax a while, switch himself onto a lower setting.

The door chimed, and Akira figured it must’ve been Sojiro back from his errands. He turned to nod a greeting. But, with a surprised spurt from Morgana he froze in his seat, faced with the walking and talking front of who he was supposed to be hiding from.

Goro Akechi stood at the door frame with a neutral expression as he scanned Leblanc up and down. Jacket done up neatly, gloves pulled on, he looked just as unbothered as he would when he’d made a habit of coming over before November.

Akira felt every muscle in his body tense. He’d let his guard down and was about to pay for it. His mind was moving a million miles a minute. He wondered if he could escape him. That, or he could go on the offence. Tie up Akechi and gag him, call the thieves and figure something out together. Though that wouldn’t be so easy, especially since he could have a gun on him. The thought gave him goosebumps.

Akechi looked him in the eyes, and Akira got ready to run. This was it. If he reached for his pockets, Akira could duck down and dodge, shove a chair in his way and run upstairs to the window. If he tried to jump him plain and simple, Akira could strike first, and maybe have Morgana make a swipe at his face. He could do this. He could do this.

But Akechi did not reach for his gun. Nor did he take a step. In fact, he hardly moved at all, aside from his expression easing into something calm.

“Ah, good. I was worried you might be sleeping,” he said, instead of, “This is it, Kurusu! Time to die!” like Akira thought he would.

Akira stared at him. Had Akechi known he’d be here? Had he known he was alive? He gulped and kept himself tense, trying to steady his breathing. He couldn’t get distracted here— if he missed something it could mean game over.

“Akechi,” Morgana sneered, his hackles beginning to raise. Akira barely spared him a glance. He idly hoped that at least he’d be able to get out safe. He could alert everyone else. That was, if Futaba wasn’t already listening in on their conversation.

He could feel Morgana’s animosity from where he sat. Akira knew he was thinking about protecting him, but he wished he wouldn’t. One of them had to get out of here unscathed; everyone was going to be in danger unless they did something. Akira could feel sweat beading on his forehead.

Akechi, on the other hand, seemed entirely unbothered. Shoulders lax, soft breaths. Akira had to fight feeling assured to his presence. He couldn’t afford to lose himself relaxing into his company. Not now.

“That’s quite the tone you’re taking with me,” Akechi sighed, shrugging. “Though, I’m not really surprised. I wouldn’t expect most to place their faith in me again.”

That was a peculiar line. At least it might’ve been. Akira hoped he wasn’t reading too deeply into his actions, but there was something about him right now. He wasn’t acting hostile, or even angry. It wasn’t like he was trusting him, but the whole atmosphere was off.

Akira felt his phone buzz several times in succession. He assumed that was Futaba. She’d probably picked up on Akechi being in the café. That was a relieving safety net. He couldn’t pick up now, though. His full attention remained on his personal headsman.

Akechi walked a few steps towards them. Akira maintained a very watchful eye, but didn’t try to make a run for it. His gut told him that this was the best move for now. He adjusted a bit in his seat, staying prepared to jump if he needed to.

But somehow, he was getting the feeling he wouldn’t. Akechi seemed relieved. Akira didn’t know what to make of it.

He looked Akira up and down, keeping that easy expression on his face. “At least you’re healing well. Not to say a ragged look isn’t befitting of you.”

Akira raised his eyebrows. In any other situation, he would’ve cooed back something snarky. But his mind was focused on trying to understand what he’d just meant. The pit in his stomach was diminishing with every word. What was going on? Why was he being so friendly?

Morgana beat him to asking. He clicked his tongue.

“What’s your game here, you traitor.”

Akechi’s expression didn’t falter. He hardly missed a beat. “My, is my visit really so unexpected? How peculiar. I presume you did explain to everyone, Akira-kun?”

No, he had not explained to everyone because Akira, undoubtedly, had no goddamn clue what was going on. This was the first time he had seen him in person since the palace. He hadn’t even tried to communicate with him, lest he get arrested and shot for real this time. There was absolutely no piece of conversation Akira had been able to catch onto.

But instead of expressing any of that, he said “Yup,” and added, “Morgana’s just a little testy right now,” as an afterthought.

“Wha—” Morgana stuttered, not hopping on to Akira’s new and very quickly improvised plan of “well, might as well see where this goes.” If Akechi wasn’t shooting up Leblanc, then what could the harm be? He ignored the dam in the back of his mind keeping back all the certainly harmful ideas.

Akira acted like he didn’t hear Morgana, and tried to adopt a more relaxed pose. He hoped he’d realize, but if he didn’t, that would be okay too. Morgana was easy to play off, and Akira was nothing if not intrigued.

His phone buzzed again. A little more fanatically. Sorry, Futaba. Right now wouldn’t be the best time to yank it out and explain himself. She’d need to hold on a little longer.

Akechi grinned, looking satisfied. Akira considered that a big plus in the bullshitting direction.

“I see. Perhaps I’m on edge, too. Though really, with all the hoops I’ve jumped through for you, can you blame me? I’ve done a bit more than lounge around as a café pet.”

Morgana’s tail shot straight up. “Don’t call me a pet!”

Akechi chuckled, and Akira smiled a bit. It was very familiar, and Akira had to remember not to sink into the feeling. He tried to keep his head up and ready, since this could still be an elaborate scheme on Akechi’s part, but he’d already missed this. He’d already missed him. It wasn’t going to be easy to fight him again, if it came down to it.

Akechi leaned down to Akira’s level. Akira, in turn, propped his chin up on his fist. Performative, but natural. It made Akechi’s grin spread wider.

“I’d like to speak with you privately, if you don’t mind?” Akechi said, syrupy and smooth.

Akira knew one thing for sure. Agreeing to this would be a very, very bad idea. Whatever trick Akechi had up his sleeve was a card none of them had seen before, and one that no one had anticipated.

But there was something weird going on. There were better and more efficient methods of going out for Akira’s head than this. Akechi didn’t seem like the type to bother with small talk, especially not after he’d already tried to kill him once. His motives were already known, so there was unquestionably something up.

And Akira couldn’t deny how excited he was getting, either.

“Sure,” he said, earning himself a pointed look from Morgana and another flurry of texts. He ignored them both in favor of his swelling suspicions. He decided he would take this as far as it could go. Who knows, this could save their necks, even.

Akechi stepped back a bit. “Then lead the way.”

Akira scooted out of his chair and rolled his shoulders back. Morgana was looking back and forth between them frantically.

“Wait, what? Where’re you going?” Morgana stammered, his tail now flicking nervously. “You’re gonna go with him? Alone?”

Akira tried to give him a confident look, that he knew was probably not going to do Morgana any favors. “Watch the café for me.”

“Huh!?”

The two of them walked upstairs, leaving Morgana to fend for the café himself. Akira did feel bad, but it wasn’t like he could sit him down and explain his plan (that “plan” being basically nonexistent anyway) with Akechi around. It might be easier to do this on his own, too. Akechi was notoriously difficult to figure out, and he’d need to be on the lookout for any stray hint he could get.

Akira sat down on the foot of his bed and, to his surprise, Akechi joined him there. They were shoulder to shoulder, though not quite touching. Akechi tended to keep his distance, so if there were any concrete indicators that he was acting up right now, this was one.

Akechi set his briefcase down in front of them. He gave way a long exhale, and Akira could literally watch the tension leave his shoulders. It was nice to see if he was being honest.

They were silent for a little while. It was almost a nervous quiet, but not in a jarring way. It was light and anticipating. An all around pleasing mood, which made it hard for Akira to stay on his toes.

“I appreciate you putting up with my antics,” Akechi started, breaking their shared silence. He didn’t meet his eyes. “But you can imagine this hasn’t been the easiest cover up.”

Akira didn’t reply. He needed to know more before he tried to make a counter. Akechi was smart and observant, and Akira knew that if he slipped up that this could turn sour. Though, that was a sound start. More confirmation that Akechi for whatever reason did not think Akira had died.

He continued. “I didn’t think you’d listen when I asked you to keep from contacting me. Though I’m glad you did, because I think there’s a chance I’ve been hacked.”

Akira almost flinched, thinking about how that hacking was definitely the work of Futaba. He was surprised Akechi had noticed. Though, he’d probably argue something among the lines of you can never be too thorough, to which Akira would laugh in his face, him being the biggest loose end that had ever escaped his grasp.

He thought more on the first half of his spiel. Akechi had, allegedly, asked him to do something. He wracked his brain for any memory of a conversation they’d had like that. Akira was prone to hanging on to their interactions. It seemed really unlikely that he would miss something so important. And even while he’d been drugged in the interrogation room, he had been more than aware enough to remember that Akechi had never paid him a visit. The only “Akira” Akechi had seen was his cognitive form.

That train of thought caught Akira’s attention. His cognitive form?

Akechi carried on undisturbed. “That’s why I didn’t text you before I came, by the way. I’ve been too busy to get it checked out. And your identity being revealed is too big of a risk for the both of us.”

Akira was hardly listening. He thought he might be onto something. If their plan had gone accordingly, then the last time Akira had seen Akechi was in the palace. But the last time Akechi saw, or thought he saw Akira, was in the interrogation room.

“I understand that I’m the reason you ended up in that situation, but you know we can use this position to our advantage, don’t you?”

Which meant, whatever last interaction Akechi remembered he had with Akira was actually with the cognitive form of him in Sae Nijiima’s cognition.

“We probably share a similar goal now, anyway. Though, don’t think I’m going to change my stance just like that. I have a way I plan to go about things.”

Akechi should’ve killed that cognitive form of Akira. But there could be a chance that wasn’t the case, no matter how small. And if that was so, then…

“I am willing to make a sort of compromise with you. But, compromise means both sides are satisfied, so you must also let me have my own leeway.”

What had the cognitive Akira done with Akechi that Akira didn’t know about?

“...Akira-kun? Are you alright?”

Akira jolted. He looked at Akechi straight in the eye. What had he been saying? He’d gotten too lost in his own thoughts.

Akira blinked a couple times. Yes, he was fine. Start there.

“Uh, yeah,” he said, which only made Akechi look more suspicious. Okay, shit. He needed a reason why he’d been spacing out. “No, I am, it's just… um. It’s nice to see you again, is all.”

Which wasn’t a lie. He was very happy Akechi was here with him. Nothing had stung more than his betrayal. The idea that they’d found a way to come to an understanding was fantastic. But that was like a single match in a dark tunnel. Figuring out his cognitive form had done something to convince Akechi to (...probably?) not kill him was great; but making this work was going to take more effort than that.

His reply got more of a reaction out of Akechi than expected. It made him gulp and look down at his hands.

“Ah, well. Yes, it’s good to see you too. I must say it was a relief to see you had made it out just fine. Not that I expected any less.”

He was fiddling with his fingers a bit. Akira fixated onto the motion. A nervous habit? Why was he nervous? He’d never really seen him like this before. Which could mean, maybe, his cognitive form had?

Okay, he was not about to be jealous of a cognition of himself. He didn’t even know what he’d done in there. Jumping to conclusions was the wrong way of going about this.

He tried thinking about what he’d told Sae-san, but that night had gone by in a haze. He must’ve given off some sort of impression to her that made the cognition figure out a way to dispel Akechi’s attempted murder. Maybe it would be better to think what he might say while on a load of drugs.

Not... an encouraging thought. He could’ve said almost anything if that was the standard. Had he convinced her that he was a stellar conman? Or, like, a ninja? If he made it out of this interaction alive and well he’d have to give her a call. Maybe it would be a little awkward, but he’d done worse.

It was still silent between the two of them. Okay, new goal. Akira only needed to last long enough that he could excuse himself to use the phone. The way this was going, he would probably be fine. Akechi mentioned he was busy, so he’d probably be on his way soon anyway.

Akechi sighed and tucked his arms into himself, making no moves to give up his spot. Akira wondered if he could bring up work or something to get him to go. He felt bad forcing him out, but hurt feelings didn’t matter much when it was his life on the line. Though he looked kind of… delicate (was that the right word? He didn’t know. Less stable than usual, maybe. Not to say he usually gave off emotionally steady vibes) at the moment. Maybe he could make him lunch or something to make up for it. Assuming they’d get that far.

Before Akira could try and really nicely kick him out, Akechi filled the silence again.

“I know this is presumptuous of me to say, but perhaps have you not picked up on my motive for making myself known to you?”

How many times could Akira think ah, shit today? Yup, you guessed it Akechi, Akira had absolutely no idea why he had come to Leblanc. He couldn’t exactly just say that. Especially since Akechi seemed almost fragile (was that the right word? Eh.) right now. Like the question had some hidden meaning. He’d always been one for games, but this was a different side to Akechi.

“What do you mean?” Akira asked, deciding that this was the most ambiguous answer he could give. He leaned forward onto his knees, and it made Akechi tense up.

He looked away. “Don't get any ideas. I simply need to understand your… stance on the matter, first.”

His tone was conflicted (was it? Fuck. Words, Akira, find the right ones). And he’d swear up and down his ears were pink. That was new. Not conflicting, though.

“You wanna tell me yours first, detective?” Akira grinned. Maybe teasing was the way to go. Nothing unnatural about it; he had joked with him all the time before. He hoped his confidence would outshine his being utterly clueless.

“I’d rather your opinion, actually,” said Akechi, the pink tinting his cheeks now. “Do not tell me I came all this way for nothing.”

He was as difficult as ever. Not that Akira minded. He wondered how far he could push it.

“You know, I was pretty drugged up. I might need a little hint, here.”

Akechi turned and glared at him. “Whatever enjoyment you’re getting out of this isn’t going to last.”

It had always proved pretty amusing to poke fun at him. Akira really had missed their bits of banter. He still remembered feeling so low whenever he thought about where they’d been headed. Akira was pleased to know he’d been a little right, and a little wrong. Right enough for the thrill, wrong enough for the aftermath.

“I mean it. I have no idea where we left off,” he said, making his tone something baited. He knew he wouldn’t get away with it, but it was always worth a try.

Akechi narrowed his eyes further. “You know I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t trust you either,” Akira replied with a cool head. “Don’t you think you owe me an explanation?”

Akechi smirked. “I don’t owe you a damn thing.”

Akira sat back up. Had anyone ever gotten anywhere without a little playful prying? “You’re not getting an answer out of me unless I get something to work with.”

A short moment of silence hung. Akechi must’ve been considering (considering felt close. It was on the tip of his tongue) something. They were staring at each other. Before this, Akira had barely noticed how deeply red Akechi’s eyes were. He could tell something was going on behind them, processing (maybe?), evaluating (he was always doing that, though), thinking.

“You are the worst kind of tease, you know,” he said.

And then his lips were on Akira’s.

Oh.

(Okay.)

Goddamn.

Akira was the type who prided himself on quick thinking. He could be up on his feet in no time, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. So now, while his mind froze at temperatures below sub zero, his body was more than happy to return the kiss, keeping only his last remaining pieces of competence shining loud and proud.

Had he expected a kiss? No. Not at all.

Was he upset about it? Also no.

They broke apart for a moment, and Akira tried very hard not to let his shock show. When Akechi’s eyes lightly opened, they must’ve been pleased with whatever they saw, because a coy grin spread across his face. And what could’ve been some relief, too.

“Satisfied, now?” he asked.

Akira was left with two options (well, not really, but he pretended that was the case): One, was to tell Akechi there must’ve been a misunderstanding and that, boy, he sure was glad Akechi hadn’t murdered him, and just maybe they could work all this out over a cup of coffee. Go downstairs and talk through this, no guns or knives, just two boys and a cat and some curry, too. Hey Akechi, no hard feelings, but not this time around, buddy.

Or, there was the ever present option two:

“Not yet,” Akira hummed, and leaned back in for another.

It was longer, and deeper this time. Akira pushed further, ignoring the adamant pain in his jaw from his bruise. Akechi squirmed underneath him in surprise. They started slow and easy. Akira turned and put one hand on Akechi’s waist. For a moment Akechi’s hands were nowhere, before settling on the back of Akira’s neck, tentative but secure.

Akira decided that he’d forget about what his cognitive form may or may not have done for now. He was going to keep enjoying this. There was an inkling telling him this was probably his sought after answer, given Akechi’s welcoming reaction. How his cognitive self achieved this would be a mystery forever, but man, what a guy the version of himself in Sae-san’s head was. Atta boy.

It did occur to Akira that the phone call he’d planned to give her might’ve turned out more

than uncomfortable. A smooch or two with Akechi was a much better method to figuring this out, among other things. He wondered if it would be inappropriate to thank her. Probably.

He pushed again, but this time was met with some force. They were leaning into each other now, already breathing heavy and taking whatever pauses they could to gasp for breath. Akira slid his hand higher onto Akechi’s side, and with a tug he grabbed a fistful of his jacket to pull him in closer. Akechi’s fingers stayed pressed into the nape of Akira’s neck, but every so often would climb a bit higher towards his hair.

Akira put one hand on Akechi’s chest and pulled them apart for a moment. Akechi looked confused, and a bit concerned when Akira took the second to massage his jaw with his other hand. But as he applied force onto Akechi, he got the picture and started to lay down, and even loosened his tie. Akira swung his leg over his body, straddling him and earning a quiet, “Oh,” before planting his forearms over Akechi’s head and closing the space between them.

Akechi’s hands looped around Akira’s arms, and ended up taking their place back in his hair, getting wrapped and tangled in the curls. It was heavier now, and hotter, as they moved in sync and melted deeper into each other.

Akira had no idea how much time passed. He stayed there in the moment, blissfully at a loss but unarguably having one of the best afternoons he could’ve asked for.

But then, of course, rang a voice so shrill and so loud, he realized it was possible this hadn’t really been the time.

“HUH!?”

Morgana sounded completely exasperated. He was standing on the top of the stairs, eyes wide and his mouth hung open. Entirely still. He must’ve gotten worried about Akira having been up here with Akechi for so long without so much as a word.

The three of them stared at each other in silence. No one made a move. Morgana was obviously processing something he didn’t know how to understand. Akira felt a little nervous to look down and see whatever expression Akechi was making. If murder hadn’t been going through his head before, it surely was now.

Morgana stumbled. “What’re you— you’re— Akira…?”

Akira was going to once again try and flex his bullshitting mastery, but instead Akechi very loudly cleared his throat, and lightly shoved Akira back until he could sit upright.

“I, ah, really should be getting back, anyway,” he said, fixing his tie while Akira finished awkwardly climbing off of him. “I wasn’t joking when I told you I was busy, after all.”

His voice was stable and clear, but he was flushed pink and refusing to make any sort of eye contact. Akira decided not to comment, at least not while Morgana was still here. His poor cat seemed a little traumatized as it was; he didn’t need to witness any witty flirting.

That wasn't the finisher, though. No end in sight for Akira’s day of twists and turns. A few moments later none other than Futaba bursted upstairs, out of breath and with a wild look in her eyes. It occurred to him that he shouldn’t have totally ignored her texts.

“Is everyone still alive!” she shouted, arms wide in front of her. She glanced between the group, and relaxed her pose when she saw the very mundane-looking scene in front of her. Thank god Akira wasn’t on top of Akechi anymore. Morgana seeing was one thing, Futaba was another. He didn’t even want to think about what Sojiro would do if he found out Akira had made Futaba witness teenage hormones at their finest.

She slumped down and looked at Morgana. “What the heck, Mona,” she sighed, looking a little embarrassed. “What’d you scream for? I got all worried.”

Morgana tried to justify himself. “Because of them! They were…” he trailed off. He was acting so sheepish. It occurred to Akira he may not actually know the word to describe what he’d just witnessed. He almost snorted, but had enough tact to realize that wouldn’t be so proper at the moment. He could laugh about it later.

“‘They were’ what?” Futaba asked, turning and leering at the pair. Akechi was flattening his hair a little, and Akira was trying to remain as stone faced as possible. She scowled.

Akira felt like he could see the gears turning in her head, which was a bad sign. More of an awkward sign, really, because Akira didn’t actually care much if they knew. He was gonna tell them a slightly modified version of the story after he’d finished, anyway.

Akechi, on the other hand, seemed like he absolutely would mind if this all unfurled in front of him. He stood up just a little too quickly to be casual, and straightened his jacket.

“I’d ought to go now, then. Thank you for having me,” he said, adjusting his gloves. He picked up his briefcase and made his way for the exit, fast paced and wide steps. Akira watched him with entertainment, and Futaba’s eyes followed him every step of the way.

He stopped in front of the staircase, and waited there for a moment. Akira wondered what he was gonna do. His mind worked in very particular ways, and Akira was surely interested in such a flustered (hm. Maybe that was it) version.

He turned back and faced him head on. “I’ll come again. I’d argue that didn’t quite serve as a suitable answer.”

Futaba’s eyes darted between them. “What do you mean ‘answer,’” she said, furrowing her eyebrows a little more as she tried harder to connect the dots.

Akira nodded in reply, and Akechi smiled something sweet, but just about devious, too. He walked out of view without another word, and the room was silent until the chime of the door opening and closing signaled his exit.

Futaba did not waste a second. She zipped over to Akira, followed closely behind by Morgana, who leapt onto the bed.

Futaba squatted down. “Okay, Akira. First of all, what. And then second of all, hey, what.”

Akira wasn’t exactly sure what to reply. Hot damn, while appropriate, would probably not exactly satisfy Futaba. More than anything he’d probably gross her out. And spark a million more questions.

She must’ve been confused for a number of reasons, very much like Morgana, and like himself too. Ultimately, yeah, he had no idea why he’d just had a passionate make out session with Goro fucking Akechi, of all people. He admitted that it did go swimmingly, though. And he obviously wouldn’t say no to a round two. Or three. Honestly, why limit himself by putting a number on it.

This was an unexpected turn of events, for sure, but definitely an advantageous one. Genuinely and acutely having Akechi on their side was not a problem at all. And occasionally steaming it up on his bed was, more than anything, an improvement to their previous relationship. Akira couldn't say he minded one bit.

It was dangerous, too. He needed to give Sae-san a call still, no matter how weird it might turn out. And he had to let everyone else know that, for whatever reason, Akechi was willing to work with them, to at least some sort of extent. That Akechi was pretty mellow right now, and did not think for a second he’d gone through with the murder.

Akira had to be doubtful of him. He didn’t have a choice in that. But he decided it was more than worth seeing where this would take him. Not to mention way more fun.

Futaba sat staring at him with beady eyes from the floor. Morgana looked no less shaken than before, but was waiting impatiently for Akira’s answer, too.

There was really no use lying.

“Well,” Akira started, shrugging his shoulders and feeling just a bit greedy. “I think I have a boyfriend now.”

#thank u v much for the ask!!!#its 5k and shuake #with this im finally done with the prompts!!#i get it im slow no one talk to me #u have no idea how long i sat on this idea AND how much i flip flopped with it #in the middle of writing this i started seeing very similar ideas start flying around my dash and i was like ACK. I GOTTA HURRY.#i had fun tho!!!!#and i really hope you enjoy!!!#:DDD #clouiis #ask #my fics #my p5 fics

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years

Note

Hello yes, could you elaborate on the Comte wedding event pleease. Crying and fangirling and dying are all acceptable. I missed it and I adore your rambles about Comte? Thank you either way.

!!! I’d be delighted to!! And awww, I’m so glad :D I love to write about him in any capacity, it makes me so happy to know people enjoy it when I do! Tysm for the full license to cry/fangirl/die because lbr it ain’t a Comte event if all three of those things don’t happen .Please don’t worry, I don’t mind talking abt it anyway! 💕💕💕

Okay my fellow Comte stans, you know the drill! I’ll be placing the details of the Wedding Story Event (jpn version) below the cut! Please don’t read if you want to wait for the official translation, and I hope you enjoy if you do take a peak! c:

AIGHT Y’ALL in fair Verona where we lay our scene-- This event begins on a lovely summer day with Comte and MC at a boutique picking out a wedding dress for their upcoming ceremony. As usual, she provides a bit of background as to how we got here. Comte doesn’t have a proposal event (as far as I know) like the other suitors because he actually proposes marriage in his MS. I won’t go too far into details just in case, but they essentially swear their love to each other in a church at night--just the two of them. (I’m not 100% sure, but I think this event takes place on the anniversary of the vow that they shared, what Comte called becoming “a vampire’s bride.” Yes it’s as hot as it sounds AND I LOVED IT). Now, despite their private promise to each other, Comte does specify that he fully intends to have a public wedding whenever she feels comfortable doing that. As such, this event is picking up from there.

With all the nitty gritty settled, it’s time to get to the fun bits. So Comte is weaving in and out of the dresses, trying to find the perfect one for his beloved. MC is equal parts exasperated but amused, and she notes that it reminds her so much of when she first debuted in high society (reference to the beginning of Comte’s MS). Back then, when she agreed to debut, he told her that he would immediately send word to his tailor to make the necessary preparations. It’s a kind of nostalgic moment; she remembers how thorough and excited he was (”I’ll be sure to show off your every charm”), and he’s effusing that energy in the boutique too. Eventually he settles on two of them and requests that they both be prepared, and MC sputters. She’s like Comte???? W H Y we only need one dress???? And he insists that, since it’s a special occasion, there’s no harm in it is there? He also goes on to say that it is in line with her culture’s tradition of “dyeing the bride in the husband’s colors.” MC shoots back that the tradition doesn’t entail several wedding dresses for the bride, but he pays the correction no mind. Y’all. I loved this part because it just emphasizes how much of a LIL SHIT he can be. Like he’s 100% harmless but I was like BOI IF U DON’T--I WILL KISS UR CUTE FACE. YOU STOP THAT.

I find it interesting especially because it remains in line with a trend about Comte that is so arresting for me, something that I find so endearing about him. I’ll note other places in the event I find it, but in this moment he is revealing something critical: for all of his capacity to play with the language and expectations that other people have/use, he only ever uses it for good. Here he’s purely being playful (with a stark note of respect and awareness); he has no intention of overwhelming her or undermining her cultural expectations of what a wedding means. Especially because MC, even in her monologue, isn’t truly upset--she honestly seems to find it adorable and funny more than anything. It’s also clear that Comte is working within her comfort zones. While he would buy the entire damn boutique if she let him, he settles on two because he knows it would stress her out otherwise (MC tends to be p pragmatic, not really about extravagance she is a mood).

And so they make their selection and exit the boutique, and they’re walking arm in arm back to the carriage. Comte laments narrowing it down to only two, but he’s happy they found something nice. MC thanks him for bringing her along, but he says it’s only natural--he wanted to pick out the dress the world would see together, he would never be happy with it otherwise. MC melts (WHO WOULDN’T) and says she’s really looking forward to wearing them, and he’s shook AF.

(OKAY BUT I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT THIS. DOES HE UNDERSTAND HOW TOUCHED I AM. DOES HE KNOW. His route hammers home this idea that for Comte, being with someone absolutely means being on the same page. It means being there for each other yes--but it also means making sure the other person feels wanted and included. He could have so easily just picked his favorite and been like “yeah this is what we’re going with.” But not only does he not do that, he refuses the very idea of a ceremony without it. He wants this to mean something for both of them, and he’s more than willing to put in the time and effort to ascertain that. I’M FUCKING TENDER OKAY. HE CARES SO MUCH AND I SOB)

He asks her if there’s anything else that she really, really wants for their wedding, and she thinks it through. It’ll be a reasonably sized wedding, with the men of the mansion in attendance and most of their closer high society friends. They’ve picked out a dress, the venue is set, the people closest to her will be there...she really can’t think of anything else? So she asks him if he has anything he really wants to do for the wedding, and he replies in the negative too, saying that “My only ideal wedding can be one in which I can see you at your most happy." ARE YOU KIDDING ME--Before MC can recover from that, he goes on: "Even now, I'm enjoying the preparations, and I want to do whatever I can for you." MC feels like she can never win against his sweet affection, so she nearly kills him with her answering line: "It’s more than enough. More than anything, being able to swear our love together again--to renew our vow--is the best part of it all." Comte is visibly shocked and is quiet for moment (MAN DOWN!!!!!!!!! VAMPIRE DOWN GET THE DEFIBRILATORS!!!!! LEONARDO PUT THAT LIGHTNING ROD AWAY I SWEAR TO GOD--) before he just replies with a “Is that so :>>>” And translating this nearly killed me [At the sight of his gentle smile, I smile back.] IM GOING TO SCREAM THEY ARE JUST SO TENDER IM SOFTE????????????

As they’re walking, Comte asks MC to tell him about weddings in her time. What were they like? He wants a reference point. She goes on to describe how ceremonies really range from formal to more informal affairs, and gets to a little custom that’s apparently held in Japan. When a groom intends to marry a bride, he will go to the bride’s family to ask for their approval. Comte visibly seems concerned about it, and I’m pretty sure he feels bad denying her that experience; not only did he propose to her without knowing any of that, her family isn’t within range to be able to honor it properly now. Even so, he keeps listening and comments now and again with a great deal of interest, paying close attention. He asks, what happens if the groom is rejected by the family? MC goes on to say that it’s a kind of test of perseverance: the groom is expected to ask/prove himself until he gets an answer in the affirmative. Internally, she notes that such a thing rarely ever happens irl--it’s mostly dramatized in movies and TV shows. She used to dream of how thrilling it might be to have someone do that for her, but it was mostly just a silly little fancy, nothing she was obsessed over. Comte, being a literal fucking legend, senses this emotional shift in milliseconds, and starts musing about something. When she tries to ask what’s up, he’s like not to worry leave everything to me.

PLEASE CUE THE CIRCUS MUSIC. BECAUSE THIS IS ABSOLUTELY GOING TO TURN INTO A CLOWN FEST.

So it cuts to them back home and Comte is asking Sebastian to give MC’s hand in marriage. Sebastian is utterly bEWILDERED and is like “I mean I understand I’m probably the closest relative she has right now but also WHAT!? YOU’RE MY BOSS/LORD I’M YOUR BUTLER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD”. Comte 100% is undaunted by this very normal reaction and insists that class/status has no place in matters like this, and Sebastian and MC are desperately trying to stop him from bowing his head/kneeling. MC notes she never expected him to take it to heart, tells him "Comte, you really don't have to go that far, it's a custom not a duty--" (IT’S SO FUCKING FUNNY????? YOU CAN FEEL THEIR MOUNTING CONCERN AND I CAN’T BELIEVE COMTE WAS STRAIGHT UP JUST “i am not above begging” AND THEY’RE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE YOU SHOULD BE ABOVE BEGGING)

The circus only escalates when Leo comes in LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF "damn...bahahahhahahaaaaa now THIS oughtta be good/interesting." MC (and I simultaneously) start yelling at him and he replies "What? Comte's already ready and willing, why stop him?" For whatever reason, this gives Comte an idea (NEVER A GOOD SIGN) and he’s like you know what? That’s actually perfect, get everybody in here I’m gonna ask them for permission too :D

Several things I want to say about this. 1. COMTE LITERALLY DOES NOT EVEN REACT TO LEO’S MOCKING HE JUST “omg ur face was useful for smth for once this gives me an idea” 2. META TIME. First and foremost, I seriously can’t deal. This man knows MC has nothing because of her traveling through time, no friends or family--he’s always so, so aware of what she’s sacrificing to be with him. It is never outside of his thinking. Not only does this decision solidify her presence as a member of their family (I’m just so UGLY SOBBING about the fact that he does not consider them all ANYTHING LESS--THEY ARE HIS CHIRREN AND HE LOVES THEM AND I’M SOFT) this is also such a brilliant, strategic move on his part. Not only is he doing this to fulfill her younger wishes of having someone be so confident in their love for her that they would insist on it in front of her family/loved ones--his doing this also solidifies her presence as his wife within the mansion from here on. There can be no mistake; this is an unquestionable statement as to how her identity has shifted in meaning, a powerful allusion to his possessive streak. (and WE LOVE THAT FOR US HELL YEAH)

Furthermore, I continue to be fascinated by the way he keeps subverting traditional or expected forms of supplication. While many could see this as a yielding of his pride (and in some ways he undeniably is) this choice to acknowledge her culture’s customs yields much more valuable dividends for him. 1. MC--notorious for never betraying the things she wants, having trouble asking for anything--is have her dreams fulfilled even if they were just silly little fantasies from when she was young. He’s actively making her happy, and he gets to openly gush about how much he loves her (FOR HIM THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A WIN-WIN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND--) 2. This is a way for him to make amends and do proper respect to the marriage customs of her place/time, and that’s infinitely important to him. He’s trying to set a precedent; that even if he ever does make a mistake or neglect something (even if accidental) he will do his utmost to make it right, pride and money be DAMNED.

While it can be argued that he’s just being silly and over-the-top, when you look closely this is 100% a clever, very mindful approach to their future. While it may partially have been executed on an emotional/excited whim, he is also claiming MC as his own in the most clear and respectful way possible. And tbh that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen

So, after Leo walks in on them everyone else starts filing in one at a time (OKAY YOU CAN’T CONVINCE ME THAT THEY WEREN’T ALL HUDDLED UP TO THE DOOR SQUIRMING TO HEAR WHAT WAS GOING ON AND AT SOME POINT LEO SAID “omfg i gotta see this dumbass bitch on his knees” AND BLEW THEIR COVER/MADE THEM EVEN MORE CURIOUS):

Jeanne: "It's so noisy in here."

Mozart: "What's going on?"

Comte: "Ah, excellent timing. I want to get permission from everyone."

Vincent: "?????? Did you do something wrong Comte?? What could you possibly need forgiveness for?"

Isaac: "A mistake made/wrongdoing by Comte?...Why am I dreading what it could be..."

Dazai: “Ah yes, yes I see, you are asking for a young lady's hand in marriage” (IM WHEEZING BC EVERYONE ELSE IS SO LOST AND HE'S JUST 100% ON THE BALL KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON THE NARRATIVE DISSONANCE IM CRYING)

Theo: Young lady??? The hell are you going on about

So things are getting increasingly chaotic and MC is just [jfc this is getting out of hand, Comte they don’t even know what you’re asking them to do]. She tries to explain but falters, and Comte puts an arm around her--signals that he’ll give them the context. So he tells them "You all know that our wedding day is approaching. As such, I'm asking you all for your approval in taking MC as my bride. No matter what happens, I promise to make her happy forever--for every moment, every second of our time together. Please, forgive my taking her" (WHEN I TELL YOU MY HEAD WAS IN MY HANDS IDK HOW MC DIDN’T DIE ON THE SPOT S I R. SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) MC: [...Comte...My heart melts at his confession, at his earnest plea. It feels like every single iota of our feelings are infused in every word he speaks, teeming with the love shared between us in overwhelming measure.]

For a little while silence falls until Napoleon speaks up, and honestly? It was so sweet ;-; I tear up every single time: “Forgiven. You know how much I dislike formalities anyway. And besides, who could say no to le Comte?” MC notes that everyone murmurs in agreement and a kind of warmth settles in the room. Arthur notes that MC will be a Comtesse very soon and MC just. I’m going to be a WHAT now (”C-c-comtesse??”). And it’s so FUCKING FUNNY YOU CAN FEEL THE RED EYE EDIT MEME ON COMTE WHEN HE GOES “Oh? Is there anything wrong with that? Everybody said yes, after all :>” MC internally accuses them of ganging up on her, but reveals that more than anything she’s a little overwhelmed by the outpouring of love in the best way:

MC: [Overwhelmed with feeling; touched, a little shy, embarrassed, but also full of joy--my eyes burn at the edges with tears] “I'm glad everyone approves c:”

Comte: Agreed :> your country/homeland has a nice custom. A v important step to inviting my loved one into my life as my wife :>>>>

So it then cuts to them in Comte’s room after the circus and MC thanks him for the sweet confession in front of everyone, tells him how happy it made her. He insists that it was only natural he would, and that it isn’t even enough.

Comte: “I am the one...your life, your time as a human being; I'll be taking all of it from you.”

MC: [...Comte? He took my hand with a very serious expression]

Comte: "As I said before, I will make you a vampire someday."

MC: “Don't call it that--a price. I want to live with you too!”

MC notes that while she hasn’t made the leap yet, she knows she’ll be ready for it soon enough.

Comte: “Thank you. But the last thing I want is to take things from you, I want to do everything I can to make you happy, to make you smile. Whether that means weddings, requests--anything in my power.”

COMTE REALLY SAID "she is entrusting me with her future and that means I have the responsibility of not only ascertaining her happiness, but proving my unwavering devotion to it" AND IM HOLLERING????? LADIES GET YOU A FUCKING MANS. MC finally begins to understand this, and she’s like OMFG is that why you went off so hard this afternoon???? And Comte’s like :>>>> guilty as charged, though I think I'm also just still excited about the wedding too, haha! They hug it out (YESSSSSSS LET ME H O L D) and MC asks him again if there’s anything he wants for the wedding too. Aight y’all I would be irresponsible if I didn’t warn you beforehand, get fucking tissues. I’m still upset abt his answer and I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. He thinks about it for a bit, before kissing her forehead and saying “I suppose, can you pray for my happiness too? That's enough."

AIGHT IMMA GO BACK TO THE EVENT IN A SECOND BUT I GOTTA SAY. BITCH. BITCH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? COMTE THAT ISN’T OPTIONAL THAT’S A GOD DAMN PREREQUISITE?????????????????? OFC WE WISH FOR YOUR HAPPINESS WHAT THE FUCK??????????????? THE A U D A C I T Y. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE INSULTED IN ALL MY LIFE. OKAY RANT OVER.

MC is surprised but naturally agrees to it, having wanted that for him even without prompting. She continues to think on it, insisting that she wants to do something for him too. An idea sparks but it only says that she made preparations without telling him anything for now, preparing a tangible sign of her love for the wedding.

The premium end begin here. She’s getting dressed for the wedding, and she’s--as usual--in awe of his perfect selection of accessories/jewelry to go with the gown. She’s about to put on her shoes when she notices something odd, and there’s a knock at the door. Comte enters to ask if she’s ready, and they both freeze and stare at each other. They both sheepishly admit to being completely taken with the sight of the other, and they laugh about it together. Comte tries to ask if she’s ready again, and she assures him that she is--just that she found something unexpected in her shoes.

He explains that the coin is an English six pence. Sebastian told him that they are no longer made in her time, and Comte explains he acquired it about three hundred years ago in England when he was living there (he says that he kept it back then because he liked the design on it). He explains that there is a tradition, that the English would put a six pence in a bride’s left shoe in the hopes of wishing her good fortune and prosperity in her oncoming union. MC has her understandable and customary (JESUS I FORGET HOW OLD THIS MAN IS SOMETIMES) and he places a hand over hers that’s holding the coin when she starts staring at it.

Comte: "Hey, MC....Time goes by, and various things will continue to change. Among them, it is only vampires who survive without dying or changing."

MC: "Comte..."

Comte: "I used to think that made it--made us--empty. But...I don't think that's the case anymore. I'm proud of being able to keep this undying, unchanging love for you."

[He put the coin back in my left shoe, and offered them to me--gentle as though they were made of glass(Cinderella's)]

MC spends this exchange on the verge of tears, but keeps it together for the wedding. It depicts their loved ones all around them as they walk down the aisle, and skips to the end of the ceremony. The priest tells Comte he may now kiss the bride (WHEN I WAS TRANSLATING IT SAID “KISS YOUR BUSINESS” AND WHEN I TELL YOU I WHEEZED), but just as he’s about to lift her veil--she stops him in his tracks. He’s confused, and says her name, but she reassures him that she just wants to offer him a wedding gift before he lifts it. Hidden in her bouquet are two pins that she had made, and she pins them to his jacket. They were made from preserved flowers, encased in metal to render them undying/everlasting.

MC: [Me too...I want to wish for your happiness...]

MC: “For you, things might feel fleeting--like they just pass you by, are lost before you can grasp them. But even so, my feelings won't change; just like this preserved/undying flower and the life of a vampire--dedicated to [Comte's real name] in everlasting love."

COMTE.EXE HAS CURRENTLY SHUTDOWN. REBOOTING.

MC notes that his eyes get misty and he leans his forehead against hers.

MC: [Comte's real name]?

Comte: .................I want to hug you as tight as I possibly can, but I'd hate to ruin the flowers/your gift to me

BITCH WHEN I TELL YOU I SOBBED. WHEN I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1. I CANT GET OVER THE FACT THAT HER GIFT IS NOT ONLY CANON BUT ITS LITERALLY ON HIS WEDDING SPRITE, HER LOVE IS A VISIBLE MANIFESTATION ON HIS PERSON ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. THE FACT THAT SHE ONLY ADMITS TO BEING THE HAPPIEST SHE CAN BE WHEN SHE SEES HIM SO HAPPY TOO. THIS IS SO MUCH. SO M U C H

And so Comte lifts her veil and kisses her gently uwu cover ur eyes chirren, the hall erupts in raucous applause and the crowd starts congratulating them!! Comte then encourages everyone to have fun, and the reception takes on the vibe of a kind of social gathering. MC notes that he seems to prefer this level of interaction, just relaxed and everyone chill, and she turns to tell him that it seems like it’ll be fun! Before she can finish her sentence, he kisses her fiercely before leaning back with a sigh, "It's still not enough, but I'll save the rest for later tonight." BITCH!!?!?!??!??!? HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE FOCUS ON A STUPID PARTY WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HELLO???????MC notes: [Everyone from the mansion that saw the kiss made fun of me endlessly, and I hid my face in my bouquet] SAVE HER. Once again, it skips to the end of the reception and they’re now in Comte’s room. (I will blink twice if I think you need tissues BLINKS TWICE)

Comte: "Yup, perfect." [He places the flower pins I gave him next to THE hourglass in the room, looking pleased HNGNNGNGNNGGNGN MY EYE HOLES ARE SUFFERING

MC: "I'm glad you liked the gift c:"

Comte: "It is proof of your unchanging love, of course I cherish it :>"

She’s just so happy to see him so delighted with it. He asks how she liked the ceremony, and she gushes about how much she loved it. He hugs her (AWWWWWWWWWWWW) and then he notes that while it was fun to celebrate, all he wants now is time with his wife (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA). He starts kissing her like the world is ending, and she says she needs to get changed--but he doesn’t care, says she’s fine as she is and that he wants her right now.

Aight usually I don’t get into epilogue territory, but honestly, this shit was JUST too good. Now this man made of magic asks MC if she’s wearing her bridal garter (you know, the one that usually comes with the whole bride ensemble in Western tradition). And she’s like ???? Uh, yeah, of course? Why... He says that he saw something interesting at a friend’s wedding reception once upon a time, and explains that the garter is usually removed and thrown to the bachelors (analogous to the bride’s throwing her bouquet, and whoever catches it will be the next to get married). PLEASE NOTE HE IS KISSING HER FOR LIKE 90% OF THIS IT’S AMAZING

MC: "So it's like the bouquet toss?"

Comte: "Yes. Now then, how did he remove the garter...?”

HE DUCKS DOWN AND SHE’S LIKE COMTE!?!?

Comte: “...Ah yes, the groom removes it with his teeth >:D”

And so this man HAS THE TIME OF HIS LIFE tugging it down slowly under her dress, caressing her legs and loving every part of her. MC’s face is on fire, and she’s torn between being turned on and embarrassed. Eventually he reappears after teasing her MERCILESSLY and admits that he didn’t do it at the reception because he didn’t want anyone else to see her reaction. Blushing, shy, desirous--all of these feelings are his to keep and enjoy. (I!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!! HOW SUBTLY POSSESSIVE HE IS AAAAAAAAAA) MC notes internally that she feels the same way about him, how he only shows this intensely passionate side to her. Comte is uncharacteristically impatient and frenzied that night, and they both go at it.

It skips to midnight where the two are cuddling in the aftermath, just being cute and happy. Comte, the absolute MADLAD is already thinking about how to celebrate next year--and she just giggles at him (he’s a wackadoo but he’s her wackadoo LMFAO MOOD) and he laughs with her. They essentially swear to promise their love over and over in the future, and it just ends on that wholesome note :>>>

Also can I just. The fact that he lived for so long alone, but was always, always paying attention to all of these little things that are done with a person’s loved one ;-; that he would remember his friend doing that at his wedding and be like BROOOOO I WANNA DO THAT IF I EVER GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! I just. It’s so heartbreaking and touching at the same time, I just want to hold him forever ;-; the fact that he doesn’t seem to worry as much about his own happiness, seems absolutely floored that MC would do anything in return. I JUST LOVE HIM WITH EVERYTHING INSIDE OF ME

THIS IS WHAT PEAK PERFORMANCE LOOKS LIKE

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp spoilers #ikevamp comte #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp wedding event #NOW I CAN REST IN PIECES O-<--<#today on: reasons why i would die for comte no.347 #will i ever stop? no #do i have a problem? probably #but i have a tumblr account and the ability to write and i am making that everyone else's problem fdkjlhgfdjkh #but i hope you enjoyed my rambles!!!#you're always welcome here friend! :D #tho yall story time #when he asked abt the garter i started SCREECHING bc i knew EXACTLY where it was going #in middle school i saw a guy do it once at a wedding but i didnt know what the sex^TM was so i didnt think anything of it #i was like haha weird wedding tradition go brrrr why is everyone whistling #and when i was reading i just immediately was sent back and i was like OMFG HE'S GONNA DO IT ISN'T HE THE WILD MAN #but honestly i cant get over how romantic comte is #he has no necessity to enact all these little rituals--i dont really know if he even believes in any kind of religion at all #(i dont think he does honestly but he never speaks to it directly)#but the thought of sharing that with her #of doing those things to make her happy and express his feelings #it makes me so very softe #i dont even believe in all of those wonderful things and yet he makes me want to humor that kind of belief #also idk why the cuts arent working properly on the tumbles i apologize in advance im trying to figure out why

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reversecreek · 3 years

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struts onto the dash carrying this deliriously wriggling little elf in my arms like a swaddled bebe......... they’re genuinely my oldest muse of all time i think i created them when i was like. 13 possibly. n i haven’t written them in Years but. i’m literally so excited to jst vibrating w muse. smiles at u all demurely..... they have risen. u can find their pinterest here n their playlist here.

* alana champion, nonbinary + they/them | you know nyla palmer, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, eight months? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 6669 (i don’t know if you know) by neon indian like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole a two headed doll of a prairie girl with stitched on rabbit ears and butterfly wings, befriending shadow puppets & finding god with your eyes open underwater in a public pool you broke into thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is march 2nd, so they’re a pisces, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt she/her )

HISTORY:

was born in georgiaaaa georgiaaaa (phoebe bridgers voice holds my bang...) to a vry honest hard working man named george (omgggg he’s called GEORGE and he’s from GEORGIA? ahaaaaa fuckk ur jestinggg) nd a woman who did her best named pamela..... george worked on a construction site n pamela was a pharmacist..... their house was this small rickety white thing with a wrap around porch n a very rabid overgrown garden tht kind of looked like the earth ws trying to reclaim it bc nobody ever hd the time or motivation to mow the lawn.... there ws literally a piece of fold out furniture just entirely submerged by weeds n foliage

nyla ws always closest w their dad george..... he hd this way of looking at the world tht was seeing the best in all of it.... he took them on long walks where he talked abt how u have to respect the trees bc they’re breathing fr us n we’re breathing fr them..... he hd a strange whimsical sense of humour n a gnome alter ego called grundlebolt who always tickled them..... in a way this closeness created a distance between nyla n their mother but not so much that it ws rly a problem. just enough tht nyla sometimes waited until their mother ws out of eye n ear shot to tell their dad they loved him bc they didn’t wna make her sad >_>

(mental health, death & grief tw) pamela always struggled w her mental health but george ws great n understanding n knew how to help her thru this... nyla didn’t get it too greatly at a very young age bt they knew their mum got “the sads” sometimes (how their dad wld explain tht she needed to lay down in the quiet for a while or why she’d stood at the stove n let the dinner burn until the smoke detector went off without doing anything abt it). when nyla was 14 they got home one day to a police car in the driveway n came prancing in exuberantly as they always did. immediately hugged the legs of an officer bc this is hw they wld greet everyone they ever met. they only realised something was wrong when they let go n saw their mum sat at the table crying. essentially there ws an accident at the construction site george worked at n :/ yeah.

(jst mental health & grief tw now) this rly had an intense ripple effect on everyone tbh. pamela’s mental health deteriorated quite a lot without george there as her rock n nyla sort of had to step in as best they cld but it was....... hard. some days she ws better bt some days nyla had to sit her in the bath n stroke a wet sponge over her back bc they didn’t know how else to calm her down. nyla always had a very overactive imagination which george encouraged bt it ws like. losing him rly opened a window in nyla’s head n all rationality went floating out of it. their dreams seemed more real than being awake. fantasy wasn’t jst the way they coped bt it was the way they thought n the way they saw. everything on earth was alive. the trees n the clouds n the wall with a brick missing at the bottom of her road n especially their dad. their dad was alive in everything in nyla’s head. the sun shining extra bright in the morning was george. ponds were a veil they could dunk her head under and find george waiting on the other side. reality rly just pulled the plug n said bye tbh n they were ok w that <3

(abuse implied tw) their mum remarried too fast to a man named stephen n it was jst not a good arrangement. he was Not a nice man. i won’t go into this but home wasn’t a nice place for nyla any more n after a couple of yrs stephen wound up asking them to leave n their mum said nothing to contradict tht. there’s more to this bt long story short nyla left <3

(drugs tw) they couch surfed fr a while before settling living w their best friend. they got up to like... all sorts of trouble n grew up far too fast. nyla’s lack of sense n realism hd a habit of getting them into some sticky situations n these few yrs were a rollercoaster where they got by on the skin of their teeth. when they think of high skl they think of gravel and skinned knees and sucking sherbet dunkers to ignore the taste of pennies in ur mouth and getting lost in the woods a lot bc they’d take FAR too many drugs n be lead astray having conversations with kind trees whose branches held their hands

(drug mention) got by on odd jobs like making candles n selling them at market stalls. leaf blowing at cemeteries. face painting fr children’s parties (where they were blatantly high). random stuff. all over the place. in this time them n their best friend also hd a sugar daddy named tony who always wore very impressive colour block suits n mink stoles n jewelled fedoras n hd a swanky apartment w marble floors. rly just. surreal. lots of strange stories frm this time.

things kind of blew up in their friendship group n they fell out w their best friend raya bc she slept w this guy aj who nyla hd been madly in love w for yrs.... he was a Stinker n honestly so ws their best friend so good riddance i say bt obviously it felt like having their entire world flipped upside dwn fr nyla.... they split after this came out bc they just did Not want to b around these ppl any more n they decided to leave w this guy frm a band they barely knew tht much save fr a one night stand to tour w them..... this ws another whirlwind. jst chock full of them. it ws similar to being on a teacup ride at a carnival n spinning round n round n only knowing u were surrounded by lots of lights. tht’s how they’d best describe their time on tour.

SO in terms of them coming to irving 8 months ago they came w the band.... they honestly did pretty well on tour n wound up renting a big beach house on dorado as a kind of “retreat” sort of place fr them to shack up in while they worked on writing and recording their first big studio album (they gt signed w a label so it’s all vry exciting stuff). nyla among like 3 others were allowed to stay w them too bc they hd a lot of fun on tour. literally jst. taken on as professional groupies essentially. nyla loved it bc they’d never seen the ocean n when they first got there they jst threw off all their clothes n ran straight into the water. it was 3pm on a tuesday afternoon. they got arrested fr public indecency n didn’t get why bc they were like but i just wanted to hug the ocean u silly little oinker? i picture the beach house as like. the loudest one on dorado.... comes alive like a jungle at night..... they r probably bad neighbours. anyway. onto personality puts hand on hip.

PERSONALITY:

sets out patio furniture on someone else’s lawn n jst takes a seat n leans back like ahhhhh vat a nice day to be alive ya! (swedish accent suddenly bc they think it’s fun). they come out n start yelling n they’re jst so confused they’re like hey wat’s the big idea hey wat’s go on here why u angies why this happen?

likes drawing imaginary veins over their arms in all different colour blue pens in a sudden fit of hyperfixation n then forgets all abt it n goes out like tht n scares several townsfolk bt they’re oblivious they’re jst in her own world loving life already onto the next fixation. has many many different fads like this. one day will jst start snipping up a bunch of magazines bc they’re like EYES ARE COOL N THEY SEE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P n they’ll stick a bunch of them over their wall n then forget they was doing that n leap onto the next. quite a pattern. bt they love the vein thing a lot it makes them feel like a walking planetarium like they have their own constellations

sometimes jst doesn’t make sense. they’re honestly kind of strange. pops up in places like they suddenly materialised there n it’s like how did u get there where have u been when were u last seen are u ok. has the energy of an ancient deity frm deep in a mountain cave n an ambiguous forest sprite all at once..... talks shit honestly. abt anything n everything. sometimes outrageous. sometimes plain incoherent. like what are u talking about? i dnt kno. even i dnt kno sometimes.

luvs stick n pokes will let anyone tattoo whatever they want on them for the price of a gummy bear kindly placed onto their tongue n swallowed whole

has this obsession w being underwater w their eyes open luvs it. calls it their tadpole time. runs baths just to lie there blinking looking around n drifting her arms. best friends w the bottom of any local swimming pool n hs probably given it a quick kiss so it knows they’re bff’s n then got sick bc there’s sm germs in a public pool. says the kgb probably poisoned their oatmeal n r finally here to deliver on their promise n THAT’S why they got sick unrelated to the pool incident. what promise? noone knows.

unclear if they believe what they say or if they jst has a very expanded sense of humour where they nvr let on if they’re joking.... lines r blurred a lot.....

loves excitedly shouting things. sometimes just screams at the sky bc they say it’s good to let the creatures in ur belly fly out every once in a while otherwise their wings get sore.

(drugs tw) still does an excessive amt of hallucinogens n it kind of shows. very bad fr their brain bt we’re going to ignore it.

dresses fun n strange n eccentric n careless. loves to experiment. does nt care abt what’s considered to be societally appropriate. living in their own world.

sleeps around a lot... jst doesn’t rly see sex as a big deal.... very free w themselves in that way..... sometimes greets their friends w a kiss on the lips they’re like awww :) kisses <3 when they run into them in the middle of the cereal aisle n then pulls away n suddenly breaks into a box tht has a free toy in it bc it’s a banana with googly eyes n that’s the best thing they’ve ever heard in their LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! n isn’t he so HANDSOME????? enchante indeed my good sir ;)... gives the toy a kiss too.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

other groupies of the band: self explanatory a little.... i dnt have a name for the band yet bt all can b worked out..... i picture them as kind of. not that nice but like. there for a good time........ rock genre.... bit chaotic...... to say the least........ they dnt have to have come there w the band like nyla n the others they cld have been adopted in their time there.... whoever wld b wild n down fr a good time <3

chaotic trash goblin friends: idk what this title rly means it just came to me in a vision....... jst ppl tht r rly kind of off the rails n don’t care abt anything...... they r who nyla tends to mesh very well w......... they rly r living in their own world n by their own rules n they like ppl who do this too <3 inevitably they get up to no good n party far too much...... cld be angst to this if they enable each other’s bad habits...... world’s our oyster. opens my office door. let’s talk abt it.

nyla set up camp on their front lawn: maybe jst w a fold out chair. maybe w a literal pop up tent w someone else too. genuinely so bizarre of them bt that’s what we’re dealing with. they poke their head into the tent n nyla’s lying down crunching on a cracker crumbs over their tits n they just hold it out to them nt even fully consumed n are like hey polly want a cracker? :)

they responded to her craigslist ad: they posted one saying they cld cleanse their house of demonic energy bc they’re an all seeing eye in touch w the spirits. this is a lie. they came n waved sage around n did a little dance as they did it w bird sounds playing on a special cd they brought fr the occasion (had weird indistinct doodles over the case it ws brought in) n then ws like OOH! scary.... n jumped at something in the hall. they go in thinking maybe they’ve seen a ghost bt they just were startled by their own reflection in a mirror n is like. scary mirror placement...... might wna reconsider that........ they charge them merely 10 dollars fr their time n is like this was so fun we shd do it again some time :) also i think u have mould on ur bathroom tile! vanishes. they dnt recall them ever going to the bathroom.

came knocking asking for items for a garage sale: yes. u heard that right. they’re asking for ur muses things to set up their own garage sale. selling items that do not belong to them. they think this is a genius business strategy n don’t understand why ppl think this is so strange or why they cant just ask ppl to donate them things to sell bc hey they’re an entrepreneur? they even had a pencil behind their ear when they knocked on the door so why aren’t ppl taking their business seriously? probably got distracted several times trying to explain their pitch n chattered abt random other things instead.

honestly anything... fwbs... flings... good influence... someone who cnt stand the fact they’re barely coherent.... someone they stopped on the street one day n asked for their opinion on water beds.... we cn do literally anything. fling ur chara my way n we can talk.

#irvingintro #mental health tw #death tw #grief tw #drugs tw #abuse tw

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fmsaint · 4 years

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greetings loved ones ... my name is dani or dab or d or wtvr u would like to call me , i’m twenty , kickin it in pst , and i prefer she/they pronouns ! i’m so excited to start writing w all of u :’) . i could probably continue rambling on about myself for days because i don’t know when to shut up BUT i will spare u that and move on to rambling about my boy , saint , instead . pls enjoy this mess of an introduction , and if anything piques ur interest enough to bless me with a plot , pls smash that mf like button so i can come bother u 🙏

do my eyes deceive me , or did i just see SAINT SILVEIRA getting out of the car in hunnington ? i guess HE’S living around ROCK SPRINGS , which i could’ve guessed . hopefully they can keep their FACETIOUS & STUBBORN shit to themselves , and focus on being CHARMING & FREEWHEELING to avoid any problems .

FULL NAME : saint stefano silveira

AGE : twenty - two

GENDER + PRONOUNS : cis male + he / him

ORIENTATION : bisexual / biromantic

ZODIAC : scorpio sun , leo rising , capricorn moon

BIRTHDAY : november 13th , 1998

LOVE LANGUAGE : physical touch

OCCUPATION(S) : professional pain in the ass

DRINKING / DRUGS / SMOKING : yes / yes / yes

TRAITS : stubborn , hotheaded , dramatic , standoffish , brash , facetious , distant , provocative , inconsistent , unpredictable , charming , hypocritical , protective , freewheeling , confident , persuasive , untrustworthy , secretive , reticent , eloquent , loyal .

the story begins in hunnington beach , north carolina , when a move - in semi - truck came peeling down the streets of rock springs . saint was eleven when he moved here , and as far as he’s concerned , that was when real life finally started .

nobody really knows anything about saint’s past --- just that he moved to nc at a young age with his uncle guilio . it was only the two of them in a giant , empty house .

even as a child , he was rather standoffish and reticent . you’d ask him where he was from and all you’d get was a blank stare . over time , he started learning to just lie to get people off his back , but the stories never lined up . he didn’t want them too ; he didn’t care . depending on the day , he’d tell you he’s from los angeles , from new york , from toronto , from chicago , from atlanta , from vancouver , from san diego ... and it’d change if you asked him again .

the only insight that the town ever got of saint’s life was the day before his eighteenth birthday , when the loud sound of sirens and the flashing lights of police cars filled the usually - quiet gated community . uncle guilio was seen being escorted out of the house in handcuffs , and saint was nowhere to be found ... until a week later , when he popped back up as if nothing had happened at all . nobody ever knew why guilio was arrested , or where saint had been , or how he’d come back untouched . the only person that knew was saint himself , and people knew better than to trust his word . it’s something that everybody knows about , but nobody really knows about , if that makes any sense . rumors about the entire thing were the talk of the town for weeks .

how saint manages to keep such a gigantic and well - maintained house is unknown . he doesn’t have any sort of job ; he doesn’t have anybody else living with him anymore . everything about him is a mystery . you think you have him figured out , but then you don’t .

it doesn’t make him an outcast though . the fact that he’s an enigma is part of his charm . people see him , they want to get to know him , and he’ll let them believe that they’re getting some insight , when they’re really not getting anything . incredibly skilled at making you feel like you know him on a deeper level , when in reality , you’ve barely scratched the surface .

he’s not a malicious person either . he’s more standoffish than anything else . definitely has a sour attitude , but won’t purposely hurt someone just for the sake of hurting them . now would he annoy someone for the sake of getting on their nerves ? absolutely .

very much a free spirit . it’s evident now that he’s trying to let go of his past and just live life to the fullest . fully believes and lives by the statement ‘ try anything once ’ , and tends to be a huge adrenaline junkie . loves partying .

a very private person , which is pretty obvious . people that he lets get close to him still don’t know much about his family or anything like that , but they learn quickly that he’s more than just two - dimensional . he’s actually very witty and fun , loyal , and fiercely protective of the people he cares about .

really just has this facade of being untouchable or unapproachable , but once you really do get to know him , he’s not half as bad as rumors make him out to be . i’m not gonna say he’s a good person , but he’s not that bad .

wanted connections wise , i’d love everything . i know that’s ... not helpful at all though so i’ll jot some ideas down really quickly . and all of these connections will work for muses of any gender .

hookups , fwb , ewb , one - night stands are a must . saint’s pretty much just .... alone , so he looks for comfort in other people , but never wants them to stay .

that being said , i’d like maybe one or two exes . they still would be in the dark about saint’s family / past / u know , but he would’ve fallen for them really hard if he was willing to put a label on things . give me a big heartbreak because that’s super spicy .

along those lines ... someone he wasn’t willing to put a label on for ? he broke their heart because of his unwillingness to commit ? i can definitely see that happening .

party friends , please ! ride or dies .

he’s a bad influence on your muse / your muse is a good influence on him . he rlly needs it

best bros . a bro squad , perhaps . please i need this chaos

unlikely friends are always spicy

enemies because i’m sure he has a lot of them one way or another . he is truly a pain in the ass

this is so bad help me pls let’s just think up something together i promise it’ll be so nice and fun and fresh

#u know what .... this took forever and it's still bad #and what about it #cancel:intro

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tfw-no-tennis · 3 years

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mtmte liveblog issue 9

back at it again, and its time for the shadowplay arc, HELL yeah

oh I'm so excited i love this arc lets DO this

oooh its nightbeat and quark!! way before they become relevant, which is so cool

‘one of those recepticon fanatics’ lmao imagine if they were...the recepticons. just doesn't have the same ring to it

god i fucking love all the politics of mtmte. i love how they’re talking about the senate here before we really get to See how bad they were (we heard a bit about it from whirl a few issues ago, and now here)

love how nightbeat is pretty much agreeing with the decepticon ideology here, even if its clear that he isn't Actually a decepticon - it just drives home the fact that, in this story, The Decepticons Were Right About A Lot Of That Stuff (or at least, they had a reason other than ‘destruction’ for rebelling).

AND THEN THERES RUNG!!!!!!! WITH HIS MODEL OF THE LOST LIGHT....god i fuckgin LOVE the continuity in this story bc the first time reading this ur like oh ok rung is old yea makes sense...but then later all the time travel stuff happens and then its like OHHHHH

damn poor rung nightbeat can rlly tell he's lonely just by looking at him vbhjdkdfhbjsjkdf geez. also nightbeat that's ur mystery stick bf from the future js!!

quarks extreme POV on all of the stuff is so interesting, and makes so much sense bc of Course he would think that as a non-combatant scientist who, due to his functional value in current society, wouldn't really benefit much from a revolution - in fact, he’d probably lose a lot. and that’s the sort of thing where you’re like, ok well think about everyone else dude, have some perspective - but at the same time, quark did suffer a pretty terrible fate, so his fears weren't entirely unfounded...augh, its so fascinating...im sorry I'm not gonna shut up about space robot politics this Entire time

HOW did nobody notice that dead body before now

ratchet spray-painting the hands he stole from pharma to match his own paintjob is like...kinda gruesome if you think about it hvbhsjkdfbkjdf

i love rewind sooo much oh my god

he rlly stashed rung’s comatose body in a wheelchair behind the bar hbkjdhfbshjkdf rewind

rewind and chromedome’s tag-team explanation....ough hhhhh THEM

wait a sec, rewind, you have medical records in your database? that is, at least according to regular medical laws, very illegal lmao. my favorite long-running theme in mtmte: the fact that hipaa and osha laws on cybertron are either basically nonexistent, or just universally disregarded

what the actual fuck is up w/cybertronian time units. that shit is wack as hell

ooh i love how chromedome looks different in the flashback - no shoulder tires! - that's a cool detail

how come prowl just said ‘minute,’ rewind was busting it up w/all the wack ass fantasy time units just a second ago. geez

also goddd i love the scenery of pre-war cybertron, its SUCH a cool setting like, visually and aesthetically and politically

like, i adore details like the sign in the bg that says ‘everyone’s shape serves a purpose.’ really adds to the ‘society on the precipice of civil war currently controlled by an increasingly-desperate faction who are doling out propaganda like crazy in an attempt to maintain their image and control over the populace’ vibe

good ole murder mystery setup. love it!

pre-war prowl is such an interesting character. actually prowl in general is such an interesting character...I kinda wrote him off during my first read of mtmte (and even a little during my second readthru) as just this dude who’s an asshole (espec bc my prev tf experience involved watching tfa as a kid, and this prowl is very different from tfa prowl lol)...but prowl is SUCH a multi-faceted and interesting character, even in the relatively little we see of him in mtmte

plus it was interesting to learn later that prowl was one of the characters that jro wanted for mtmte and didn't get, and MAN i wish he got prowl bc I would've loved to see what jro would've done w/prowl on the lost light, that would've been amazing. like, just imagine the arc he would have...I have no idea what that arc would BE, but I know it would be awesome. plus I’d be really interested to see how prowl would factor in, relationships-wise, amongst the crew of the lost light. so much potential!

anyways. I'm in a very talky mood tonight it seems. its currently 4 am so that kinda explains it. ok, moving on!

chromedome and prowl bantering....in their own morbid forensic-cop way...

skids bvhjdbsfjasf. speaking what we’re all thinking: is prowl gonna keep showing up in mtmte despite not technically being part of the cast??

swerves drawing of prowl lmaoooo

AND THEN REWIND IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE MTMTE PANELS....fuckgin cracks me up every time god. rewind was rlly about to flip their entire ass table just to demonstrate that prowl is a serial table-flipper...and then he cant even make the table budge and he just stares at his hands like ‘how could you betray me like this’ hvbajkhhsfdhksdf PEAK hilarity

drift hvbshfdjbasdfj his forcibly cheery expression even tho he’s being harassed by rodimus, who is a big whiny toddler w/drift lmao

rodimus is the type of guy who, upon drift not replying to one of his texts, would post a whole twitter thread being all like ‘these days u cant trust any1 to hav ur back...u think u kno someone and then they just ghost you...(1/14)’

again, rewind, HOW and WHY do you just Have medical reports, oh my god, somebody please call a hipaa agent I’m scared,

ratchet interrupting the story to give a quick medical PSA....that's Such an on-brand thing for Me to do that I feel like jro is assigning me ratchet kin as I read this

also, hey, its sonic and boom, those two decepticons from delphi! nice little continuity there

AND HERES ORION PAX SUPER COP

can’t believe idw made my dad optimus prime into a cop. smh. shouldn't be that shocked tho, I feel like half the idw characters are cops

orion rlly hit them w/the omae wa mo shinderu arrest strat

orion: I cant believe you're beating this guy up. anyways, now I'm gonna beat YOU up,

when ratchet puts his hand over drifts mouth and then gets spray paint on drifts face bhjdfsvsdjhfgbjdskf

pre-war ratchet and drift ;_; ratchet’s little inspirational speech...the fact that he tells drift that he’s special...the fact that drift remembered all of this even after 4 million+ yrs...it gets me bro it GETS me

ALSO the layers in the fact that drift then goes on to become a well-known murderous decepticon...so this little scene of him and ratchet in the past gives a lot of context to ratchet’s general attitude towards drift - ratchet clearly feels at least somewhat responsible for all the blood on drift’s hands, since he saved drift’s life way back in the day

the whole relinquishment clinic thing is such cool worldbuilding, bc of course that's the kind of thing that would develop in a society of robot aliens who are only allowed to work within the rigid confines of their alt mode

I love the whole matrix thing bc its kinda like being the pope or st but also you have a ton of political sway, so its a super important position, so of Course the corrupt senate would want full control over that power, and would assassinate the current prime to try to get their own guy in

god vhbhjsdkbgshjdf rodimus is such a dick lmao poor drift

HHHHH I love that the cybertronian version of an autopsy is taking the dudes body apart into the smallest components and laying them all out. that's so fucking cool

hmmmm chromedome maybe you should Not be interested in mnemology, how about that,

oh god. time to start being sad about op and senator shockwave. oh god

senator shockwave more like senator sexy

also the first time I read this I thought I had just missed his name and like halfway thru the story I went back and scoured the pages looking for it hbvhsjdfbshgfdsbj then I was like oh ok so we’re maybe supposed to just know who this guy is from another comic? but NOPE it was very deliberate and I only realized very close to the end that they were setting up some sort of reveal

its funny bc normally I'm not a huge fan of stories where politics play a huge role but I fuckgin love it here, the politics and worldbuilding is all so interesting and also balanced out with a healthy dose of cool sci-fi hijinks, so

lmao there's chromedome being obsessed w/people making the ‘pfft’ sound

also wow yet more hindsight, maybe you Shouldn’t be so interested in the Institute, chromedome,

OHHHH shit I forgot abt the red alert stuff happening at the same time as this :( :( :(

AUGHHH what a fucked up situation. god

oooof i gotta continue now!! what a solid issue, I love the shadowplay arc

#lj rereads mtmte

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lustfulholland · 4 years

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Trust Me (13/13)

Bucky Barnes x avenger!rogers!Reader

warnings: language, violence, insinuation of sexual assault, my shit writing

summary: in which she helps him out

A/N: hi!! i uhhh am alive i promise ++ i finally got around to minorly editing n i was just so excited that i did it fast n decided to post this :)) it does get a little confusing but you’ve all seen this in the movie so i’m sure you’ll be fine

Bucky aims at the source of the bang as Steve covers himself with the shield — his body blocking Bucky’s.

“You ready?” Steve asks.

“Yeah,” Bucky says. The doors are forced apart to reveal Tony. He walks towards them and retracts the suit helmet.

“You seem a little defensive,” Tony says. Bucky’s aim doesn’t falter while Steve walks up to Tony — his shield still blocking his body.

“It’s been a long day,” Steve replies.

“At ease, Soldier. I'm not currently after you,” Tony says to Bucky.

Steve, still reluctant, asks, “Then why are you here?”

Tony shrugs, “Could be your story's not so crazy. Maybe. Ross has no idea I'm here. I'd like to keep it that way. Otherwise, I gotta arrest myself.”

“Well, that sounds like a lot of paperwork,” Steve lowers his shield, “It's good to see you, Tony.”

“You too, Cap,” Tony says. He looks to Bucky and sighs, “Hey, Manchurian Candidate, you're killing me. There's a truce here. You can drop— You know what? I’ll do you one even better.”

Y/N stomps through the door, “My hair got stuck in elevator.”

Bucky lowers his gun and eyes immediately move to Y/N. He wraps her in his arms and their lips immediately crash together. When they part Y/N grins up.

“Guess what?” she asks.

“What?” Bucky replies.

“Tony got me arrested on accident,” Y/N giggles. Bucky looks at Tony who rolls his eyes. Bucky’s gaze goes back to Y/N, “But I sent a hologram in. I’m a genius. Anyways let’s not stand around because then we’re vulnerable. On your feet boys!”

She walks through the halls and Tony looks at the two men, “If we die I blame her which means is your guys’ faults.”

The three follow her through the halls — all being extremely cautious. Steve’s shield was out, Tony’s hands were ready to use the blasters, Bucky and Y/N holding their guns. Y/N’s body nearly goes limp when she remembers all the things that were done to her throughout the building. Tony rests a hand on her back. She smiles at him and he raises his eyebrows.

“You alright?” he asks.

“Always,” Y/N says. Tony knew that trick — he practically invented it. He gave her a smile and walks backwards to Bucky and Steve who were sticking to the back.

“We gotta keep an extra eye on Y/N, okay?” Tony whispers. Y/N’s own thoughts consumed her mind, his whisper going in one ear and out the other. The two men nod and Tony goes back to his spot next to Y/N. He announces, “I got heat signatures.”

Steve asks, “How many?”

Tony pauses, “Uh, one.”

Y/N’s knee buckles under her at the sight of all the soldiers, Tony immediately holds her up as he looks around. Lights come on — a hazy yellow.

“If it's any comfort, they died in their sleep,” Zemo’s voice speaks through a speaker. Y/N’s blood boils at the sound, “Did you really think I wanted more of you?”

“What the hell?” Bucky mutters.

“I'm grateful to them though — they brought you here,” Zemo appears in a control room. Steve launches his shield at the glass but it bounces back to him, “Please, Captain. The Soviets built this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets.”

“I'm betting I could beat that,” Stark shouts.

“Oh, I'm sure you could, Mr. Stark. Given time. But then you'd never know why you came,” Zemo says.

“You killed innocent people in Vienna just to bring us here?” Steve asks.

“I thought about nothing else for over a year. I studied you. I followed you. But now that you're standing here, I just realized… there's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes,” Zemo laughs, “How nice to find a flaw.”

“You're Sokovian. Is that what this is about?” Steve asks.

“I think he’s just a lunatic,” Y/N says.

“Says the girl that allowed this all to happen when all she had to do was think about it,” Zemo says. Y/N looks down when he points out the use of her powers — or the lack thereof. Zemo looks back to Steve, “Sokovia was a failed state long before you blew it to hell. No. I'm here because I made a promise.”

Steve studies Zemo, “You lost someone?”

Zemo clicks his tongue, “I lost everyone. And so will you.” A surveillance video pops up on a screen, Steve and Y/N go towards it. Zemo continues, “An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again. But one which crumples from within? That's dead… forever.”

Tony gathers to the screen but Bucky stays a little bit away. Tony looks at the freeze frame — a road and a date. Tony’s eyes are anxious as he scans each piece of information a few times.

“I know that road,” Tony says, “What is this?”

The video plays for the group — a car being forced off the road. The Winter Soldier rides up on a motorbike. The driver lies on the ground beside the car.

“Help my wife. Please. Help,” Howard’s voice fills the air. Y/N stiffens at the familiar sound — she had been forced to watch this file before.

The Winter Soldier grabs Howard by his hair. He stares at Howard’s blood covered face as Howard pleads with his eyes.

Howard wonders aloud, “Sergeant Barnes?”

Maria cries out, “Howard!”

Tony glares at Bucky — shame and fear consumed the soldier. The Winter Soldier pounded his fist against Howard’s face repeatedly.

“Howard!” Maria cries again.

Tony’s closes his eyes for a moment as Y/N looks at Zemo — threatening to be sick. The man smiles back at her and lifts his hand — he wiggles his ring finger. Y/N looks down at the wedding ring and Bucky watches her as she gazes at the diamond.

Tony’s father falls limp, dead, and The Winter Soldier puts him back in the driver's seat — his face against the steering wheel. He was making it look like an accident.

Tony feels sick with horror and grief. Y/N wipes a tear off her own face as she looks back at the screen.

Maria has blood smeared on her face in the passenger’s seat. The Winter Soldier walks around to Maria and grips her throat. He’s unfazed by his own actions — he kills her. The Winter Soldier walks up and aims a gun at the surveillance camera.

Steve watches Tony and the broken man lunges towards Bucky. Y/N takes a step back — not even knowing what to do with herself.

Steve holds Tony back, “Tony. Tony.”

Grief consumes Tony — in that moment killing Bucky seemed to be rational. Another clip flickers on screen and Y/N drops down — knowing exactly what it was from the freeze frame. It doesn’t play and Tony continues.

“Did you know?” Tony asks Steve.

Steve answers, “I didn't know it was him.”

“Don't bullshit me, Rogers! Did you know?” Tony yells.

“Yes,” Steve says.

“Get off! Get off of me!” Y/N screamed.

The men all look at the screen as Y/N rocks on the floor, hands covering her ears. She whispers to herself as she tries to block it out.

“Please, get off,” Y/N cries. One of the guards slips a hand up Y/N’s shirt and she pulls at Bucky’s arms. She pleads, “Bucky please! It’s me! Don’t let them do this.”

Bucky held her wrists tighter as Y/N choked out a sob — more and more guards flooding into the picture. She struggled against his grip as they pawed at her like hungry animals.

“Stop!” Y/N screams — her voice piercing enough to make them all cover their ears. That became the least of their worries as glass shatters around them. Y/N’s hand moves up, slamming back down — the monitor following till it crashed back onto the floor.

Tony puts on the Ironman helmet. Tony punches Steve and deflects the bullets from Bucky, quickly disarming the man. He catches Bucky’s arm before he could get in a punch as Steve helps Y/N up.

“C’mon,” he whispers, “Where’s my sister? Huh?”

“You’re so insensitive,” Y/N mumbles.

“I need my sister, please,” Steve asks. Y/N’s gun moves across the three men.

“I don’t know whose side I’m on, Steve,” Y/N says, “It wasn’t Bucky’s choice but give it a full goddamn minute.”

Steve sighs, “We don’t have a minute.”

Tony grabs Bucky and flies across the room. He slams Bucky onto the floor and jumps on his arms. Steve throws his shield to distract Tony. Steve hits Tony hard enough for him to slide backwards, Tony hits Steve to the floor and locks his ankles.

Bucky punches Tony who grabs him — slamming him into a machine. Tony raises his fist but Bucky twists it away. A fireball shoots out of Tony’s arm and to the wall as Steve slices his shackles.

A towering structure collapses and Y/N snaps back into the moment. Her hands lift to stop the structure — Tony and Bucky are thrown apart, down a level. Y/N grunts and finally releases it.

Steve yells to Bucky, “Get out of here!”

Y/N lifts a pipe that was near Steve — dropping it between him and Tony. Dust flies at the movement and disoreints the two.

“Who’s side are you on?” Steve coughs out.

“My own,” Y/N replies, running and lunging at Steve. She rolls with his body and lifts a large piece of rubble — breaking it on Tony’s head as Bucky searches for an escape.

“It wasn't him, Tony. Hydra had control of his mind!” Steve shouts, throwing his sister into the wall.

“Move!” Tony demands.

“It wasn't him!” Steve repeats, gripping Tony’s boot before he could fly away. Steve hits his shield against the boot and Tony launches forward. He shoots down rubble and Y/N raises her hands — forcing the rubble to fly at both men.

“Stop fighting!” Y/N yells.

Bucky jumps from platform to platform. Tony flies, faltering slightly. He kicks Bucky and would have shot him, but the energy bounces off of Steve's shield and back onto himself. Tony drops down more as Y/N lifts his body, placing it gently. She growls quietly as she climbs — realizing she was the only thing that could keep them from tearing each other apart.

“He's not going to stop. Go,” Steve says to Bucky.

Tony flies up and Steve jumps — shooting a wire to wrap around Tony’s neck. Steve drags him down and, upon landing, Tony tries to aim at Bucky. Steve tosses the shield but Y/N shoves it down, ultimately keeping her hand up in preparation to deflect whatever Tony would shoot.

“Tony,” Y/N calls. Tony mutters a few things and she opens her mouth to speak again but he interrupts.

“I’m eyeballing it,” Tony says, his helmet retracting.

Before Y/N could react the hinge above Bucky explodes because of Tony. She gasps when Tony flies up. She throws Steve’s shield but Tony hits it away as he grips Bucky’s throat from behind.

“Do you even remember them?” Tony asks

“I remember all of them,” Bucky replies. Bucky pushes off of the platform to make them fall — Steve jumping to cut it short. The plan works out for Bucky as he lands on Y/N, Steve and Tony falling to the concrete — snow piling in because of the cracks in the walls.

Y/N shakes her head and jumps down, “This isn't gonna change what happened.”

“I don't care,” Tony says, “He killed my mom.”

“Don’t do th—” Y/N’s sentence is cut off by a hard blow to the head. Her body drops and Steve’s shield lands on top of her.

“Did you just hit your own sister?” Tony asks. Steve and Tony throw punches at each other as Bucky jumps down and grabs the shield. The two pass the shield back and forth as they fight Tony — two super soldiers against an already battered man, an unfair fight.

Tony holds his own and blasts Steve backwards into a wall. Bucky takes Tony alone, pinning him to the wall. He grips the core in Tony’s chestplate. An energy blast knocks Bucky down, his metal arm being burnt off. Tony zaps Bucky again, his body hitting the ground again. Steve runs at Tony with his shield up — Tony shooting repeatedly at the blockade.

Y/N groans as she looks around. Blood was pooling around her and she could immediately tell it was hers. She touches an extra painful spot on her head and pulls her hand in front of her eyes — the whole thing covered in blood. Y/N grunts as she stands up, the whole room spinning around her. She makes her way to where the men were now battling.

“Stop it,” Y/N attempts to yell, but her voice was hoarse. Steve repeatedly slams his shield into Tony’s armor — avoiding the girl who looked like she had just been submerged into a tub of blood.

“Y/N move!” Steve yells.

“This is what he wants. Don’t let him w—” Y/N breaks into a fit of coughs and Tony lifts a hand, blasting her backwards — knocking her unconscious again. More blood pools around her as her skin gets paler — body colder.

Tomy speaks to Friday as he fights Steve. Finally he grabs Steve’s shield from him, “Let's kick his ass.”

Tony flies the shield away then blasts Steve back. Steve stands but Tony blocks each attack and blasts him again, Steve falling to his knees next to an unconscious Bucky.

Steve pants, “He's my friend.”

“So was I,” Tony says. Tony punches Steve twice before throwing him between the wall gaps. Tony says, “Stay down. Final warning.”

Steve struggles to get on his feat. His face is bloody and he is obviously worn out, though he would never admit it. Steve puts up his fists and glares at Tony.

“I can do this all day,” Steve says.

Tony raises his palm to fire at Steve but Bucky grabs Tony’s leg as a distraction. He turns and kicks Bucky in the face. Steve picks up Tony and lifts him over his head, then throws him down. Steve climbs on top of him and punches him repeatedly, grabbing his shield and bashing him until the mask falls off. He lifts the shield high and Tony blocks his face — but Steve strikes the suit’s core.

A horrified expression covers Tony’s face as Steve breathes heavily. Steve shuts his eyes and slumbs back, leaving the shield stuck in the center of Tony’s suit. Steve gets up with much difficulty and grabs the edge of the shield — freeing it from the grasp of Tony’s suit. Tony rolls to his side as Steve helps up Bucky.

“That shield doesn't belong to you,” Tony says. Steve turns his back on the man, “You don't deserve it. My father made that shield!”

Steve stops in his tracks, pausing before dropping the shield to the ground. Steve begins to limp away with Bucky still on his shoulders.

Y/N lets out a breathy, tired laugh when Steve turns. He stares at her blankly and she waves him away.

“No, go. Let me die here, I’ll be back,” she warns tiredly, “But just so you know — I’ll kill all three of you.”

taglist: @marcelaverzani @petersunderoos96 @sxdieeuwu @trash1ty @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @gabealien12 @heathens-takeitsl0w @moonstarsandsongs @hailmary-yramliah @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @bitch4bagels @marv-ells :)

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thefingerfuckingfemalefury · 4 years

Text

Let’s Watch Movies! With Samantha and her Girlfriend :D

And this week

We’re watching a DC film starring a League of heroes brought together for Justice

A League with fantastic powers that they must use to Save The World!

I speak of course

Of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

What else could I have meant >.>

Our movie begins with...LOGOS!

Me: 20th Century fox rusted!

My Girlfriend: They are going to have to pay a fortune to replace that logo

Me: Its why they sold it to Disney

At an ominous docks, evil is afoot... as we get a text scrawl

Me: Do you remember how people were hella excited for this film when it came out?

My Girlfriend: Even ALAN MOORE was excited

Me: This was before he became more Angry Wizard than Man

Twisted and Evil

My Girlfriend: And then we went to see it and just...what

WHAT

Me: I feel like tis text crawl was an early warning "Get out now"

My Girlfriend: In Star Wars the text crawls make sense because its giving us a FICTIONAL

history of a made up universe...this is just like "By the way years ago things happened"

"For hundreds of years wars have been fought with the same weapons...single shot rifles, cavlary and horse drawn canon"

Me: Yep, horse drawn canons and rifles were invented at pretty much the same time

My Girlfriend: That sounds legit

"But the century is soon to end"

Me: "Because that is how time works"

My Girlfriend: "Fuck you True Detective, it is not a flat circle"

As a police offier makes his way down a Ye Olde Cobbled Streete, there is a strange rumbling that alarms him and his fellow officer

Me: COR BLIMEY

My Girlfriend: WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN

The officers just kind of run around

My Girlfriend: "Would help if we knew what we were running toward"

Me: OR AWAY FROM

And we get the title on the screen as some doggos run onto the scene

My Girlfriend: Wait I'm confused are the dogs the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Me: That might have been more accurate to the comics

My Girlfriend: Couldn't have been WORSE

Me: LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY DOGGOS

"Bleedin rat bags wots got into 'em?"

Me: "BLOODY BANG OUT OF ORDER IT IS"

My Girlfriend: "THERE AVIN A LARF"

A giant metal vehicle crashes onto the scene as one of the officers wonders what that is...

Me: "ITS ONE OF THOSE HORSELESS CARRIAGES WE'VE EARD ABOUT!"

My Girlfriend: "WITCHCRAFT! QUICK, BURN THOMAS EDISON!"

The officer walks towards it ordering it to halt

Me: "UR NICKED ME OLD BEAUTY"

My Girlfriend: "Your under arrest for the crime of bein a tank!"

The officer repeatedly tells it to halt but it just keeps on driving

Me: This is how we can tell the villain is evil...he refuses to follow road safety laws

My Girlfriend: Also he killed that guy

Me: Also that yes

Yep it just steamrolls right over the luckless officer....

My Girlfriend: "Don't worry! I saw Roger Rabbit once and Judge Doom was fine after this happened to him!"

Me: Whats tragic is that officer had just three days left until retirement...

The tank barrels into the Bank of England which for some reason has soldiers in it?????

And they start shooting at it?????

Me: Okay so...I don't know if the writers of this film knew...basically anything...about england...but even most cops don't carry guns over here...so a platoon of ARMED SOLDIERS just...chilling out in a bank...seems unlikely

My Girlfriend: How dare you suggest this was not a rigorously researched period drama piece

Me: Terrible of me I know..

The tank continues to demolish the place...

Me: And this bank had just three days left until retirement....

My Girlfriend Okay stop that...

A group of soldiers speaking german???? disembark....

My Girlfriend: "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKINK THE AUDIENCE TELL VE ARE THE VILLAINS"

And their leader also steps out with our VERY FIRST SHOT of him in the film being him holding a cane with a Silver Skull as its head

Me: Okay see I just can't tell WHO ARE THE BAD GUYS in this movie...I wish that these movies would stop being so vague with their moral shades of grey and give us some idea of who we should be rooting against

My Girlfriend: Its a real puzzler alright but I'm going to suggest that the man with the skull cane and the henchmen who speak like Herr Flick from Allo Allo might be the villain of the piece

Me: But are we just judging a book by the cover?

Maybe he's just a goth with a limp

Our films villain tells his henchmen to leave one alive to tell the tale and kill the rest

Me: "Do it like the Natural Born Killers you are"

They get to robbing the bank while the villain focuses on some sketches declaring that some of the banks "Treasures" are "Worth more than others"

Me: "This is some original Rob Liefield artwork!

Wizard Magazine promises me that this is going to double in value in my lifetime!"

My Girlfriend: THAT POOR DELUDED MAN

A montage of newspapers first informs us that "Britain accuses German army of Bank Theft"

My Girlfriend: "Well, Nigel Farage does anyway"

"Germany's newest weapon?"

Me: So the plot of this film is the heroes trying to keep Britain out of war with Germany...while proving that Germany would never commit a terrible crime....

I have some bad news for them on both those fronts, honestly

My Girlfriend: "Germany, capable of war crimes? SHOCKING"

Meanwhile in Berlin a factory is under attack...but whats this? This time the soldiers are speaking ENGLISH!

Me: Its kind of depressing to think that the Fantom didn't really need to go to all the trouble of a false flag operation...if he'd just sat back and waited a decade or so peoples own monstrous capacity for evil would have started not one but two world wars without him doing anything...

My Girlfriend: That's a little heavy for a riff babe

Me: POUR ME MORE WINE

The Fantom is brought a terrified scientist....

Me: We can tell he's a scientist because he's dressed like no scientist outside of hollywood movies has ever dressed

My Girlfriend: HELPFUL

"What do you want?"

"THE WOOOOORRRLLLLDDDD"

Me: "AND FOR PEOPLE TO STOP COMPARING ME TO COBRA COMMMAAANNNDDDEEEEERRRRRR"

My Girlfriend: A weirdo in a silver mask with an armoured terrorist group who travel in ridiculous vehicles trying to start a war for profit?

Clearly he’s nothing like Cobra Commander

Me: "NOW FOLLOW MY ORRDDEERRRRSSSSSSSS"

Someone tosses him a rocket launcher and the scientist loses his shit

Scientist: (In German) Are you crazy?! This place is full of hydrogen gas!

Fantom: (In English) Really? That's so frightening!

Me: HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU

My Girlfriend: If your going to quip at him you should probably speak german...which we know you can speak because you were in the last scene

The Fantom blows up all the blimps

My Girlfriend: OH THE HUMANITY

Me: BABE TOO SOON

Everything blows the fuck up....

Me: Its a good thing those blimps are falling in slow motion

My Girlfriend: And that their causing no real structural damage

Me: Fire doesn't even seem to be spreading...

Kenya, 1899

Me: MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY

My Girlfriend: I Got That Reference

A british fellow has just arrived...

Me: You can tell he's british because he's wearing a suit and a bowler hat

My Girlfriend: Any second now he's going to pull a cricket bat out of his luggage

Me: Or a tea kettle

Wandering into the hotel he's greeted by a butler...

My Girlfriend: The only black man in the entire movie, ladies and gentlemen

Me: Don't worry though we get a grand total of one other non-white character in the films cast later...he even gets a name!

My Girlfriend: That Hollywood and its progressive agenda...giving us two characters who aren't white people in the same film...

Me: POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RUN AMUCK

The British Man makes his way through the hotel to Quatermain as people with questionable facial hair watch him

Me: HARUMPH! HARUMPH HARUMPH!

My Girlfriend: HARUMPH! HARUMPH? HARUMPH!?!

"Do I have the impression of addressing Allan Quatermain?"

(Fake Quatermain) "You do sir! Indeed you do!"

Me: "Really? YOUR Sean Connery? I'd heard the years hadn't been kind to but jesus wept..."

"I asume your another traveller...got it in your head to sample the DARK continent"

Me: Okay I know its 1899 but I still feel like even for the time the way he said that was racist

My Girlfriend: I like nothing about the way he said that line

Fake! Quatermain tells the british fellow to sit down, listen his stories and "Fill my glass"

My Girlfriend: That's actually 1890s slang for sex

Me: NO ITS NOT DON'T MAKE ME PICTURE THAT

The British Man tells Fake! Quatermain that he's here on behalf of the government

"THE EMPIRE NEEDS YOU"

Me: "TO HUNT DOWN THOSE REBEL SCUM"

My Girlfriend: "These plans for the death star must be delivered to Darth Sidious at once..."

"But the queshtionnnn ishhhh...do I need tha empire?"

Yep its Sean Connery everyone!

Me: GASP

WHAT A TWIST

The guy who wasn't playing Alan Quatermain in any of the trailers for this film...ISN'T Alan Quatermain!

My Girlfriend: It was Sean Connery all along! I never would have guessed because I somehow missed the film posters on my way in to see this in the cinema

Me: You did not go to see this in the cinema

We're not even paying to watch it NOW...I mean um...we are

My Girlfriend: Don’t pirate movies, kids

Me: WINK WINK

"Nigel is useful for keeping the Shtory Sheekers at bay..."

Me: "I just wish he'd stop going on long rants about the European Union"

My Girlfriend: I feel like Connery has turned his Bond Voice up to eleven here

Me: Its getting out of control

The british man declares that "The empire is in peril!"

Me: "THERE HAS BEEN AN AWAKENING"

"Your probably too young to know...but the empire is always in some kind of peril"

My Girlfriend: Just wait until Star Wars episode seventeen comes out

He tells Quatermain they need him to lead "A team of unique men like yourself to combat this threat"

My Girlfriend: "A team of elderly alcoholic misogynists to combat this threat"

Me: THE HEROES THEY NEED RIGHT NOW

"There is great unrest...."

Me: It is a time of great civil unrest....

My Girlfriend: (Loudly hums the Star Wars theme)

"A war? With who?"

"With everyone...a WORLD war"

Me: A WORLD war?

SURELY NOT

My Girlfriend: Such a notion is ridiculous!

Me: "Britain? Involved in a world war?

BOSH!

FLIMSHAW!"

"And that notion makes you sweat?"

"Heavens man...doesn't it you?"

"This is Africa dear boy...sweating is what we do"

My Girlfriend: "Is he coming on to me?"

Me: It looks like they're really working up a sweat, sitting around drinking heavily while being waited on hand and foot

My Girlfriend: Its a strenuous and back breaking life being an imperialist asshole

The British Man asks Quatermain where his "Sense of patriotism" is and he raises a toast to the queen that the others join in

"That's as patriotic as it gets around here"

My Girlfriend: Well that and when election day rolls around we vote for whoever’s willing to blame all England’s problems on immigrants and gay people

Me: The time honoured "Daily Mail" style of patriotism

The British guy appeals to Quatermain by remind him of how legendary his exploits are and the music gets sad...

Me: Oh this means he's got ANGST

My Girlfriend: A helpful soundtrack

"With each past exploit I've lost friends...white men and black..."

Me: "No Irish though"

My Girlfriend: Alan Quatermain here desperate to let us know that He Has Black Friends

Me: He's not a racist, honest

Even though he's living in a hotel in africa where all the guests are wealthy old white men and all the servants are black

"I am not the man I once was..."

My Girlfriend: "I'm not James Bond anymore...."

But because the plot has to get moving SOMEHOW, some of the Fantom's men show up looking for Alan Quatermain and, oh bitter irony, they get Nigel the Not! Quatermain who pretends to be him for tourists...and shoot him dead instead of the real thing!

Me: OH NO

NOT NIGEL

My Girlfriend: Now whose going to make up lies about funding for the NHS to stick on the side of a bus?!

Alan leaps into action to avenge his fellow refugee from Alcoholics Anonymous and a gunfight breaks out

Me: This is a pretty standard Tuesday night for Sean Connery honestly

My Girlfriend: Barely anything out of the ordinary

"They're indestructible!"

"NO! JUST ARMOUR PLATED!"

Me: Was the idea of body armour really THAT revolutionary at the time?

The romans had this stuff figured out

My Girlfriend: But other than armour plating, what have the romans ever done for us...

The men open fire with machine guns at POINT BLANK RANGE at Alan Quatermain

Every single one of them misses

Me: Okay

WHO taught these people how to aim?

My Girlfriend: They're proud graduates of the Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy

Me: They apparently got strict instructions to shoot absolutely everything except the man trying to kill them

My Girlfriend: Maybe they just really hate this racist hotel

"Automatic rifles?

Who the devil has automatic rifles?"

"Dashed unsporting!

PROBABLY BELGIAN"

Me: FINALLY someone brave enough to take a swipe at Belgium

My Girlfriend: Oh old racist guy in a hat...you say the things everyone else isn't thinking, or saying

Me: He's getting a stand up special on Netflix any day now

Quatermain proceeds to just Beat The Crap out of the ineffectual goons

Me: This movie proving what we all knew deep down...no one is a match for the Furious Fists of an inebriated Sean Connery

My Girlfriend: This wasn't even in the script he was just REALLY wasted that day and started smacking the shit out of the extras

He also smashes a drinks trolley over them which...

Me: He would later react with horror at the realisation that he senselessly destroyed a decanter of whiskey during this fight scene

My Girlfriend: SUCH A TERRIBLE WASTE

He uses a bottle to knock out another of the henchmen....

Me: "OH LORD NO

I'D ONLY NEARLY FINISHED DRINKING THAT BOTTLE DRY!"

My Girlfriend: Still one of the least violent incidents involving alcohol that Sean Connery has ever been involved with...

"What a waste..."

Me: He adlibbed that line you know

My Girlfriend: I CAN BELIEVE IT

He then proceeds to finish off another henchman by IMPALING HIM ON A RHINO HORN...and as a union jack flutters onto the body quips "Rule Britannia"

Me: He's just pretending he's in another Bond movie at this point

My Girlfriend: James Bond in...A View to a Lawn He Wants Those Kids To Get Off Of

One of the hench-goons is still fleeing so Quatermain just has the bar keep hurl him a shotgun

Me: Okay I was totally onboard when this film told me Mr Hyde, Captain Nemo and the Invisible Man all exist and team up to fight evil

But a bartender willingly putting a firearm into the hands of Sean Connery?

I'm sorry movie, now you've just gone too far

My Girlfriend: There are limits to our suspension of disbelief

Me: ITS LUDICROUS

He takes aim at the fleeing henchman but then lowers the gun, the British Guy (Who has somehow survived all this carnage) remarking that he was sure the man was too far away for Quatermain to make the shot...only for Quatermain to put his glasses on first remarking "God I hate getting old"

Me: WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

My Girlfriend: MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING

Me: "That's So Quatermain" will be back after these messages

Quatermain wounds the fleeing henchman but as he charges towards him he swallows a suicide pill...

Me: Honestly that's what I'd do if I saw a liquored up Sean Connery charging at me as well

My Girlfriend: He just can't bear to hear yet another fucking anecdote about how hillarious everyone on set found Pussy Galore's name

"Bloody poishon...."

My Girlfriend: I love how he said that as if this sort of thing happens regularly...

"You may have no love for the empire...But I know you love africa"

Me: The whole continent!

Even the parts he has never visited!

My Girlfriend: "I love...Africa...I love...lamp...."

Me: "Alan are you just naming random things you can see"

"A war in Europe will spread...to its colonies"

And then behind them the hotel BLOWS THE FUCK UP

"It apppears the war has arrived..."

My Girlfriend: "I really didn't expect to be proved right quite so quickly"

Me: Our hero

motivated by the noble mission of DEFENDING COLONIALISM

My Girlfriend: SO HONOURABLE

He leaves and Alan stares mournfully at a graveyard nearby...

Me: He's mourning that bottle of whiskey he had to smash over one of the villains heads

My Girlfriend: "There should have been another way..."

Soon we are in "London, July 1899"

My Girlfriend: it is VITAL we know the month

Me: SO IMPORTANT

"You made good time getting here!"

"Not as good as Phileas Fogg!

Around the world in eighty days!"

Me: I love how this movie takes a comics story that blended famous fictional characters into a strange and surreal shared universe and turns it into people just...screaming titles of books at each other

My Girlfriend: I half expect him to wink at the audience when he says that line

Me: He basically does?

He does that weird little "Heh" thing at the end of that line

Its Connery going "THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT CHARACTERS FROM FICTION WHO KNOW EACH OTHER OKAY"" to the viewers the studio are firmly convinvced are absolute morons

Quatermain is lead into the meeting room of the LOEG...

"I don't like theatrics!"

My Girlfriend: "And I'm not keen on musicals either!"

He's greeted by M, the one bringing the league together....

Me: "AHHHHHH GOOD EVENING MEESTER BOOOONNNDDDD...

I mean um...

I'm totally not the films villain

By the way"

"Identify yourself..."

"I'm known by many names Mr Quatermain"

My Girlfriend: "I do a LOT of Credit Card Fraud"

"Underlings call me sir

My superiors call me M"

Me: "Some call me the Artist Formerly Known as Sir"

My Girlfriend: "There are those who call me...TIM"

"M?"

"JUST...M"

Me: "Like Cher"

My Girlfriend: "Or Madonna"

He welcomes Alan to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and explains that there have been times when the world needed the services of "Singular individuals"

Me: Individuals who can drink two whole bottles of scotch without even flinching

My Girlfriend: Individuals ready and willing to be grumpy and inebriated at a moments notice

He introduces Quatermain to another recruit...Captain Nemo!

"I know of...Mr Quatermain"

Me: "He borrowed twenty dollars from me and never paid me back"

"And I know of you, captain"

My Girlfriend: "You stiffed me on your half of the restaurant bill at Olive Garden last year"

"Rumour has it that your a pirate"

"I would prefer a less provocative title..."

Me: "Look I just refuse to pay for a Hulu subscription when all I want to do is keep up to date on Runaways okay"

My Girlfriend: "I will not apologise for using torrents and you can't make me"

M tells the two to settle down....

Me: "Gentlemen please...stop almost raising your voices at one another"

My Girlfriend: If this gets any more heated a mild quarrel might break out

Me: Possibly even a heated disagreement

He talks about "Nations are striking at nations" hence the league being brought together

Me: "By the way thank you so much for not drawing attention to how much I'm trying to look like Vincent Price"

My Girlfriend: "You shouldn't take it as a sign I'm untrustworthy"

Me: He is literally one camp line delivery away from winning a horror convention look alike contest

He reveals to them that all the attacks of a man who calls himself "The Fantom"

"VERY OPERATIC"

Me: ...

GET OUT

GET OUT NOW

My Girlfriend: I want to murder whoever wrote that line with my bare hands

Me: I WILL HELP

M explains that the Fantom has captured scientists build him terrible weapons, uses them to launch attacks on other countries and then sells the inventions to various countries to fight back with

Me: Okay seriously is no one going to bring up the fact this man looks eerily like Vincent Price because its bugging me now

I keep expecting him to offer them money to stay at the house on haunted hill....

My Girlfriend: Is no one going to ask HOW he knows all of this about the Fantom?

Me: That would be an excellent question so of course the answer is no they will not

M explains that there's going to be a conference in Venice and their team of six has four days to get there

Quatermain: Four days to get to Venice?

That's impossible

Nemo: Let me worry about that

Me: "I'll do all the worrying about how impossible it is to get to Venice"

My Girlfriend: "I don’t have a way to get us there, I just have very severe anxiety"

Me: "Apologies if the way I phrased that response was misleading"

"Well now...extraordinary gentlemen indeed!"

Me: "One of has has a way to Get To Places Quickly!

I AM LOSING MY SHIT"

My Girlfriend: He'll be less thrilled when he learns Nemo just plans to shoot him at Venice out of a cannon like he was Sideshow Bob

M explains that they are expecting a chemist and then someone with a truly horrifying cockney accent pipes up "Chemist eh? Do we get to blow something up?"

Me: That’s what chemists do alright

My Girlfriend: AND NOTHING ELSE

"My eyesight must be worse than I thought" muses Quatermain as he looks for the source of the voice

Me: "What could I have been drinking that causes bad eyesight I wonder?"

My Girlfriend: Its honestly a miracle he can see at all right now

"No games M!"

Me: "What about Hungry Hungry Hippos?"

My Girlfriend: Quatermain is having horrible Pictionary flashbacks

Me: "I DREW A GIRAFFE! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THATSH A GIRAFFE?!?!?!?!"

M explains how a while ago a "Brilliant albeit misguided" scientist turned himself invisible

"Yes I recall the tale...but didn't he die?"

Me: Alan Quatermain is a stickler for continuity

My Girlfriend: He will be having none of this AU bullshit

the invisible man in the room explains that the process to turn someone invisible survived and he stole it

Me: I would genuinely love to know how you go about Stealing Invisibility Formulas

My Girlfriend: I like to think he just swiped the scientists diary

"I'm feeling a bit of a draft on my nethers...."

Me: THE INVISIBLE NUDIST

"Allow me to introduce myself...Rodney Skinner...Gentleman Thief"

Me: "Apples and pears, bobs yer uncle, ow's yer father"

My Girlfriend: "Step in time, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv mary, a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be"

"I thought invisibility would be a boon to my work"

Me: He hoped he could use it to erase this movie from his IMDB page

My Girlfriend: A REASONABLE GOAL

As he applies some bright white facepaint he explains that "Once your invisible, bloody hard to turn back"

Me: "I really shouldn't have skipped that chapter in Invisibility 101"

"Finally caught you..."

My Girlfriend: Question...HOW?

Yes he can't turn visible but

How does one go about

LOOKING

For an invisible man

Me: I really hope the answer is they just sprayed talc everywhere and looked for footprints like in that one Sabrina The Teenage Witch episode

He explains that the government will give him a cure for his invisibility if he helps them

My Girlfriend: They've got top invisibility experts working around the clock on this

Me: Imagine being called into that meeting

"Stop what your doing...we need you to come up with a CURE for invisibility"

He explains that he'll get the cure "If I'm a good boy"

"And are you a good boy?" asks Quatermain

Me: "What would you like for Christmas this year?"

My Girlfriend: "You'll only get it if you leave out some whiskey for me to drink"

Me: "Because your Santa?"

My Girlfriend: "N...I mean yes, that’s why..."

And then enters Mina Harker, asking if she's late

"A womans perogative Miss Harker!"

My Girlfriend: "Like being a sexist douchebag is miiiiine"

"PLEASH tell me this is Harkers Wife...with a Sick note..."

Me: "Invisible monstrosities and mass murdering pirates are one thing but WOMEN!?!?!"

My Girlfriend: "WHATS NEXT, THE GAYS?!?!?"

M introduces Mina to the group and says her "Prior aquaintance" may make her useful

Me: Guessing who that refers to may drive me BATTY

My Girlfriend: BITE ME

"I'm waiting to be impressed..."

Me: Alan Quatermain sums up the feelings of everyone who paid money to see this movie...

M sends them on their way as the Insivible Cockney declares "Kicking us out already? A minute ago it was sherry and giggles!"

Me: "Gotta be off to go menace the cast of the Mighty Boosh now"

My Girlfriend: "This dodgy geezer kicking me out on me jackjones? That's bloody cheeky that is"

Once they're outside....

Quatermain: WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THAT

Me: That's a CAR Allan

My Girlfriend: That's actually how Sean Connery reacts to seeing cars in real life these days

Me: "SOME KIND OF HORSHELESS CARRIAGE!"

"I call it...an AUTO-MOBILE"

"Yeah...but what is it?"

Me: AN AUTO...MOBILE

My Girlfriend:"Did my dramatic announcement not explain it adequately"

"The future gentlemen...the future"

Me: "I enjoy giving vague and unsatisfactory replies to peoples questions...just to be a dick"

My Girlfriend: He takes his enjoyment where he can

As they get into the auto...mobile...Nemo also introduces his first mate

"Call me Ishmael"

Me: .....

Okay thats actually pretty funny

My Girlfriend: POINT FOR YOU, MOVIE

Me: THAT DID MAKE ME GIGGLE

They zoom off watched by....

Me: I KNEW IT

ITS...SOME GUY IN A HAT

My Girlfriend: He somehow knows who they are and where they're going

Even though that makes

NO SENSE

Since he's been stood in a streetcorner in the rain this whole time

My Girlfriend: To be fair he could just have spotted the BRIGHT WHITE CAR driving through the streets of london and assumed whoever’s in that is a main character

My Girfriend: "If ah follow that vee-hi-cle ahm sure to find the plot!"

As they drive over the team makes strained small talk with Quatermain basically telling Mina that she doesn't know danger is because she's just a woman

Me: And when have WOMEN ever faced DANGER in our lives

My Girlfriend: Everyone knows we just spend all day at the nail salon talking about boys!

"I imagine you must have quite a library Mr Quatermain...all those books you must have read merely by looking at their covers"

Me:.....

Okay Mina I'm on your side here because Alan is a DICK

But that can't have even sounded clever in your HEAD

My Girlfriend: YOU CAN DO BETTER MINA

"I've had women along on past exploits...and found them to be at best...a distraction"

Me: And yet this is still less sexist than Sean Connery's actual real life views

My Girlfriend: He looks at Alan Quatermain in this movie as some kind of radical hippy progressive

Mina asks Quatermain if she "Distracts him" and he replies that he's "Buried two wives...and many lovers...."

My Girlfriend: LIKE NIGEL

Me: POOR NIGEL...he died as he lived....drunk

The team soon arrive at the East London Docks...

My Girlfrend: Well they're going to get stabbed and/or robbed

Me: Oh the docks were not THAT bad back then

My Girlfriend: Back then?

We also spot the most amazing poster...

Me: Sorry did that say MARS MAY BE VOLCANOES

My Girlfriend: IT DID INDEED

And I have

Many questions about that poster

Me: Its both clumsy foreshadowing for a sequel that will never happen...and also utterly nonsensical

My Girlfriend: MARS MAY BE VOLCANOES EVERYONE

Me: It was the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" meme of the 1890s

My Girlfriend: That or its the work of 1800s scientologists

The League disembark and the Invisible Cockney remarks "This is a charming spot...does Jack the Ripper live here?"

Me: "No, he's the subject of a different Alan Moore movie adaptation altogether"

My Girlfriend: "One that is even more dissapointing than this one if such a thing can be believed"

A knock at the door and...

"Good EVEning...."

Me: "I heard your group wasn't quite camp enough yet..."

My Girlfriend: "Allow me to fix that..."

They've arrived at the home of Dorian Gray and Alan tells them that M sent them "Ah yesssss...M for Mystery....."

Me: MARTIN Mystery

He tells them he doesn't want to be involved in whatever they're doing..

Me: If only he'd told his agent the same thing...

Mina asks him to let them in and he recognises her because everyone knows everyone

My Girlfriend: So Penny Dreadful was basically League of Extraordinary Gentleman, right?

Me: It actually managed to be a more faithful adaptation than the actual film was

As they enter his house Alan notes an empty spot on the wall "Your missing a Picture, Mr Gray"

Me: A picture?

I wonder who it could have been of?

My Girlfriend: I AM MYSTIFIED

Me: A real headscratcher

"Scotch anyone?"

"Please, help yourself"

Me: NEVER say those words when Sean Connery is within earshot

My Girlfriend: That bottle is going to be empty the next time the camera cuts to it

"I'm impressed Mr Gray...you take Skinner's uniqueness in your stride"

"Yes well I've seen too much in my life to shock easily..."

Me: "I do sometimes get startled or confounded though"

My Girlfriend: "Once in a while I even get astounded!"

He then purrs at Mina that he was "Surprised to see YOU again" in the sleaziest way possible while stroking his cane

Me: Can he please stop playing with his cane while he says that?

My Girlfriend: I do not like ANYTHING about the way he said that

Not one thing

Me: Dorian Gray...sleazy pick up artist

My Girlfriend: He's going to start negging her any minute now

"Ah, so your nothing more than an enticement..."

Me: OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS NEGGING HER

My Girlfriend: Why did I have to be right about that

"Your presence intrigues me..."

Me: From the way he's fiddling with his cane I think a cold shower is what should intrigue him

"They say your indestructible, Mr Quatermain"

"Well a witch doctor did bless me once..."

My Girlfriend: "He also blessed some rains, down in Africa..."

Me: His friend the witch doctor he told him what to do

He told him Oo ee

Oo Ahh Ahh

Ting Tang

Walla Walla Bing Bang...

My Girlfriend: STOP THAT

Quatermain says that "Africa will nevver allow him to die"

Me: "That's what Africa is there for after all...to help old white colonialists cheat death and stay healthy"

My Girlfriend: I guess now we know what's stopped the alcohol from finishing him of all these years

Nemo says that he's curious what Dorian Gray would bring to the group saying that they all have traits that are useful

"A hunter...a scientist...even Skinner has stealth"

Me: He's listing off the character classes for the LOEG Role Playing Game here

My Girlfriend: Note these down!

"I have...experience"

Me: "And a PIMP CANE"

My Girlfriend: "I'm here to fill every scene with an overwhelming aura of skin crawling sleazyness"

Quatermain brings up how he once met Gray at college...and how he hasn't aged a day since then. Mina looks SHOOK

Me: "An immortal?

THATS ALARMING

IVE NEVER MET ONE OF THOSE BEFORE"

My Girlfriend: People supernaturally keeping themselves young is definitely something that Mina Harker has never heard of in her life

But before anyone can ask more questions the scene is interrupted by more of the Fantom's henchmen!

Me: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET IN THERE

My Girlfriend: Their uniform consists of pots and pans strapped to their body...they should NOT be this stealthy

"Gray?"

"They are not mine"

My Girlfriend: "Though its not the first time I've had a group of strangely dressed men in my home..."

"They're mine!"

And so enter our films villain

My Girlfriend: This costume design is certainly A Choice

Me: Its really something

"I am...the Fantom...and you are the League of of so called...Extraordinary Gentlemen...."

Me: "Please excuse me while I decide what accent to do in this scene"

My Girlfriend: I think its...russian?

Maybe?

"I’m scarred Mr Quatermain, not blind...drop the gun"

Me: "I'm not blind...I just have no depth perception because I covered one of my eyes up with a silver mask"

My Girlfriend: foiled by the Fantom's accursed 20 20 vision

"Your mission is to stop me...that of course I cannot permit..."

My Girlfriend: I feel like we're watching a cutscene from the video game adaptation that Never Was

"So I give to all a special one time invitation..."

Me: "TO MCDONALDS"

My Girlfriend: "I'm treating you all to Happy Meals"

Fantom tells them to "Jooooiiiinnnn meeeeeeee"

Nemo and Quatermain both bring up how the Fantom's trying to start a war just so he can make money selling weapons of death...his answer? "I cannot deny...fortunes are made in war..."

Me: That's not the best counter arguement

My Girlfriend: "Your a murdering arms dealer!"

Me: "Yes. So shall we be friends?"

But then LE GASP!

One of the Fantom's henchmen ISN'T one of his henchmen and he shoots one of the Actual Henchmen!

AND SO A GUNFIGHT BREAKS OUT AGAIN

My Girlfriend: Sorry are they...are they shooting the make up off of the Invisible Man there because

I don't think thats how make up works

Me: OR DOES IT

Their helper guns down some of the Fantom's men as the Fantom himself flees

Me: AND ALL THESE MEN HAD JUST THREE DAYS LEFT UNTIL RETIREMENT

My Girlfriend: "OH GOD THE ARMOUR DOES NOTHING"

Me: "WHY DIDN'T WE ARMOUR OUR FACES

WHY DID ONLY THE FANTOM GET A HELMET TO PROTECT HIS FACE"

Henchman: DRAW YOUR PISTOL

Nemo: I WALK A DIFFERENT PATH

(Draws his sword and starts stabbing people left and right)

My Girlfriend: "I MURDER PEOPLE WITH SWORDS INSTEAD OF WITH GUNS

WHICH IS MUCH MORE MORAL"

Me: This seems like a dubious moral high ground at best

My Girlfriend: He's taken a solemn vow never to kill a man with anything that will end his life quickly

As Quatermain chases after the Fantom, Some Guy appears to engage in fisticuffs while yelling after the Fantom "RUN JAMES"

Me: JAMES THE FANTOM

My Girlfriend: The world will quiver at the mere mention of the name JAMES

Dorian is slicing his way through the group with his sword cane...

Me: Not the first time he's roughly penetrated a large number of men in that room

My Girlfriend: SAMANTHA

While Quatermain gets the crap kicked out of him....

Me: Ah this brings back memories for Sean Connery

My Girlfriend: From his time as James Bond?

Me: No from last night at that bar he started a fight in when they wouldn't serve him anymore...

The Invisible Man bludgeons a guy with a book

Me: Good thing that wasn't a copy of George RR Martin's work, that man would be dead right now

Quatermain defeats his opponent...

Me: "THATSH FOR SHAYING THAT PIERCE BROSHNAN WAS A BETTER BOND THAN I WASH"

My Girlfriend: "I REGRET...NOTHING..."

And Dorian gets riddled with bullets!

OH NOES!

But don't worry he's totally fine because of course he is

My Girlfriend: So was Dorian Gray being immortal here meant to be a twist

Me: The filmmakers assumed their target audience had never actually read a book

Dorian cuts the henchmens armour off and stabs him up...

Me: Not the first time he's cut a mans clothes off in that room...

And the man falls to the floor, ripping Dorian's shirt off as he does so

Me: OR the first time that a mans dropped to his knees in front of him while tearing his clothes off....

My Girlfriend: "I may die...but at least I ruined...your outfit"

"What are you?"

"I'm complicated"

Me: "I'm a thinly veiled self insert character created by an extremely racist gay playwright"

The Fantom escapes the fake! henchman by taking a dive out a window....

Me: He's going to be embarrassed when he sees there was a door right there....

My Girlfriend: SO NEEDLESS

Back at the aftermath of the pointless action sequence the Invisible Man is complimenting Dorian on his invincibility

Me: Its handy for him to spell out just what Gray's powers are for those who haven’t quite been keeping up

My Girlfriend: The Invisible Exposition Machine

Gray asks where Mina is and Quatermain says shes probably "Hip deep in trouble"

Me: Oh Alan Quatermain, you charming old misogynist you

My Girlfriend: OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

Mina appears with a cheerful "Don't be such an alarmist Mr Q!"

Me: "Mr Q"?

REALLY?

My Girlfriend: "Mellow out dayy-o don't be such a square"

"And my hips are none of your business"

Me: "But I can tell you for fact that they do not lie"

SUDDENLY MINA IS TAKEN HOSTAGE!

Me: So was that one guy hiding during the whole fight on the off chance he could take a hostage and walk out?

My Girlfriend: He's not henchmaning hard he's henchmaning SMART

He says that he's sure the group will do anything to protect Mina...and she says he's mistake if he thinks SHE needs protection...as her eyes go red...

Me: "I wonder what that could mea...OH GOOOOOOOOOOD"

And yep she just starts chowing down on the guys neck

Me: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM

My Girlfriend: Who could have guessed this would go badly for him

Me: I guess she’s found

Her NECKS victim

Eh?

My Girlfriend: GET OUT

We then get a hillarious glimpse of her mouth covered in what is supposed to be blood...

Me: "AHHHHHH DELICIOUS STRAWBERRY-LICIOUS FLAVOUR"

My Girlfriend: From this shot we can deduce that this man’s veins are in fact, filled with jam

Nemo's reaction?

"Extraordinary"

Me: "We must drop the title of the film into conversation every chance we get"

My Girlfriend: Just in case people forgot what film they're watching

"Boy...they told me European women had funny ways..."

Me: I'm glad he's cool with local customs like draining people of their blood to live forever

My Girlfriend: He doesn't feel its right to pre-judge these things

Me: Don't knock it till you've tried it

Our films Token American introduces himself as "Special Agent Tom Sawyer, of the American Secret Service"

Me: Somewhere, as we speak, Mark Twain is rolling in his grave

My Girlfriend: Somewhere as we speak Mark Twain is crawling out of his grave to kill whoever wrote this film script

"Then America is aware of the situation?"

Me: Shocking, given how subtle the Fantom has been acting

My Girlfriend: Who would have guessed a little thing like blowing up an entire fleet of blimps with a missile launcher would attract attention

Sawyer explains that if a war starts in europe its only a matter of time until it spreads to America

Me: Ah, self interest...the most noble of all heroic traits

My Girlfriend: "Sure he's only killing foreigners now but soon he might start killing people our country cares about!"

Dorian tells Sawyer he's not welcome but we're distracted by...

Me: OKAY HOW IS HIS SHIRT FIXED

That shirt was riddled with bullets and torn off a second ago

WHEN DID HE DO THIS WARDROBE CHANGE

My Girlfriend: Maybe his clothes also magically heal like his body does?

Me: THE WARDROBE OF DORIAN GRAY

My Girlfriend: Not to be confused with the closet of Dorian Gray which is something else altogether

Mina brings up how Dorian has refused to join but he says that the battle was "Just the spur I needed"

Me: "Before I had no desire to come along but now someone's tried to murder me?

I’m in"

My Girlfriend: We're operating on Shounen Anime Logic here

Dorian tells Sawyer he's not allowed to join their Cool Fictional Heroes Club but Quatermain asks to see Sawyer's gun....

Me: Quatermain senses the chance to possibly build a father son bond with this character that might actually make his character more sympathetic

My Girlfriend: That or he's thinking that he'll be able to carry twice as many liquor bottles back to the car with a younger stronger man to help him

"Winchester..."

Me: "I got it from these two brothers..."

My Girlfriend: Do not

reference

that fuckin show

"American style!"

"American style shooting too"

Me: In an authentic american style barbecue glaze!

"You like it? I brought two"

Me: "I still need convincing"

My Girlfriend: "I also brought whiskey"

Me: HE'S COMING WITH US

Yes, Sawyer joins the group and off they go with Nemo telling Dorian that they're off to paris to get the last member of their group

Me: Sawyer is immediately horrified at the thought he might have to work with a frenchman

My Girlfriend: "Vampires are one thing, but the French!?"

Quatermain says they'll have to "Capture" this last member with Mina noting that he "Makes him sound like some kind of animal"

Me: OR A POKEMON

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Go

Me: Travel around recruiting famous literary figures to beat up a heavily scarred russian man with you!

They bring up Mina's whole blood drinking thing with the Invisible Cockney declaring they're "All a-quiver" to hear more about it

Me: TIME FOR SOME BACKSTORY

My Girlfriend: Its just not the same when there's no sepia toned flashbacks to go along with it

"My husband was Jonathan Harker...together with Professor Van Helsing we fought a dangerous evil...it had a name...Dracurahhhhhh...he was Transylvanian"

Me: "And most definitely did not pronounce his name like that"

My Girlfriend: What in god’s name was the way she said that line

Me: "Guys?

Guys I messed up the end of that line? I completely butchered the pronunciation of Dracula's name? Are we...are we not doing a second take?

We're still fiming? Okay then..."

The Invisible Man asks if he was "One of those radicals"

"I don't know...is the vampiric sucking of peoples blood radical behaviour?"

Me: Its a tad unconventional, I'll admit

My Girlfriend: A LITTLE BIT UNORTHODOX

Me: Somewhat eccentric

Nemo announces that their transportation has arrived

"A boat?"

"It travels on water if that’s what you mean...AND BENEATH IT"

Me: "BEHOLD

SOME TRULY HORRENDOUS CGI"

My Girlfriend: This green screen abomination will get them where they need to go!

"Next stop...Paris!"

Me: HERE WE ARE AT PARIS

In Paris a hulking figure in torn up clothes wearing a top hat is fleeing across the rooftops as below the group gives chase

Me: HERE WE ARE AT ROOFTOPS

My Girlfriend: Samantha, stop that

Me: HERE WE ARE AT CHASE SCENE

"What do we need a big monkey for?"

"This big monkey has terrorised the |Rue Morgue for months!"

Me: Murders?

In the Rue Morgue?

Surely not...

My Girlfriend: Mother of god...

"Imagine the mayhem he'll give the enemy!"

Me: Quatermain is ecstatic at the thought of unleashing a mass murdering cannibal on countless people

My Girlfriend: But they are Bad People so its okay

CHASE SCENE CONTINUES

My Girlfriend: How is his hat not falling off there?

Me: The top hat isn't actually a top hat at all he's just got a really weirdly shaped skull

Quatermain takes a shot and fails to hit him

"Missed!"

"I'm not trying to hit him"

Me: Ah that's what I would always say when my dad would force me to play football and the ball wouldn't even come close to the goal

"YOU MISED"

"I'M NOT TRYING TO HIT IT"

"TURN LEFT MISTER HYDE!"

Me: Oh no, now he won't get that temp job and won't be there to save the Tenth Doctor's life!

My Girlfriend: You

fucking

NERD

Me: :D

Hyde, because that’s who the top hatted guy is continues to run as the two fire wildly at him

Me: So this is Paris...in the EIGHTEEN NINETIES

No one

Not one person on this street

Is alarmed or puzzled at the presence of an american and an englishman, running through the streets, screaming and firing guns at the rooftops?

My Girlfriend: They just look out the window, see its Sean Connery and go "Oh god it must have been closing time at the bar down the street"

Sawyer is almost crushed by some falling rubble

"That was naughty..."

Me: Nearly murdering someone with a chimney is very mischievous behaviour

My Girlfriend: He's a little dickens is what he is

"Eyes open boy...I can't protect you all the time"

Me: And yet you basically will for the entirety of this film

My Girlfriend: MUCH TO OUR REGRET

Quatermain sniffs the air and declares that Mr Hyde is afraid

Me: "I can smell his fear

Because apparently I’m Wolverine now”

Quatermain manages to fire off enough shots that he knocks the startled Mr Hyde from the rooftop

Me: No more HYDE-ing for you

My Girlfriend: Why are you like this

Quatermain fires off a flare and suddenly a giant net bursts out, wraps around the startled Hyde and drags him to the Nautilus YES REALLY

My Girlfriend: And so ends this game of Hyde and Seek

Me: BABE I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

My Girlfriend: I'm so ashamed of myself

You’re a horrible influence

"Welcome to the Nautilus Mr Hyde"

Me: "We've left a complimentary chocolate mint on your pillow and your breakfast wake up call is at eight am"

They head back to the ship with a confused looking Sawyer marvelling at Hyde’s GIANT TOP HAT that he's dropped on the ground

Me: He's wondering where he got a top hat that huge

My Girlfriend: Seriously does he have a specialist haberdasher he can call on day or night?

Me: "Where the hell does this man buy his clothes"

At the Nautilus in her...lab I guess? Mina is grumping about Quatermain's sexism and doing a passable imitation of Connery's accent

"Thish huntsh too dangeroush for a woman...even one shuch ash you...leave it to me..."

My Girlfriend: Is the movie riffing itself at this point?

Me: THATS OUR JOB MOVIE

Only we get to mock the ridiculous way your characters speak!

The sound of Hyde roaring from somewhere in the ship does Mina a startle and she heads out to check what's happening and...

Me: Okay I have to give the movie this

I really really like Mina's outfit here?

For...reasons

My Girlfriend: Would the reasons be that she's hot and your gay?

Me: Its got this sexy schoolteacher vibe...like I can just imagine her leaning toward me in it and being all "Well now I have you in detention what AM I going to do with you you NAUGHTY GIRL"

My Girlfriend: I'll just bet you can...

The Invisible Man and Dorian also stroll toward the sound of the commotion with the Invisible Man noting that "The great white hunters bagged his prize!"

Me: "He's finally won on that crane game"

My Girlfriend: And it only cost him eighty pounds in fifty pence pieces

We get a good look at Hyde at last and...

Me: WOW

Remember when I said the Nautilus was atrocious CGI?

My Girlfriend: Yes?

Me: I ttake it back its a MASTERPIECE compared to this...

As Hyde knocks people around the Invisible Man is knocked off his feet...luckily Dorian helps him up

But whats this?

"OW! You scratched me!"

"Better me than him"

Me: Okay but Dorian that...that doesn't explain WHY you scratched him

My Girlfriend: "Don't kinkshame me"

"Mr Hyde!

You’ve done terrible things in England!

So terrible that you fled the country!"

Me: "WE KNOW YOUR THE ONE WHO WROTE MY IMMORTAL"

My Girlfriend: They've finally caught up with the monster responsible for suggesting to Boris Johnson that he go into politics

"I'm ashamed to say that her majesties government is willing to offer you amnesty"

Me: Who would have believed we'd see the day that the British government was involved in anything morally questionable

My Girlfriend: I AM SHOOK

Me: It’s hard to fathom I know

"Do you want to go home?"

"Home...home is where the heart is...so they say"

Me: Mr Hyde's dialogue courtesy of a welcome mat purchased from Wal Mart

"London’s sorrow is as sweet to me as a rare wine..."

My Girlfriend: Mr Hyde's other dialogue courtesy of a T shirt from Hot Topic

Mr Hyde: I'M YOURS

(WEIRD GROWL)

Mina: O.O

Me: Okay so from that expression and that little noise she just made I guess we can confirm that Mina Harker is a Canon Monster Fucker

My Girlfriend: She's going to create an entirely new erotica genre when she gets back to her room

Me: "Pounded by A Character From the Public Domain"

"Don't be afraid"

"Who says I''m afraid?"

"YOU DOOOOOOOO!"

Me: SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT HYDE

"YOU STINK OF FEAR!"

My Girlfriend: Actually that's just the thick aroma of Dorian Gray's drakkar noir soaked clothes

Me: EASY TO MIX THE TWO UP

"Quite the parlour trick"

"Wait till you see my next one..."

And so Mr Hyde begins thrashing around as he transforms back to his regular form

Me: Its always controversial when he does that one at kids birthday parties

My Girlfriend: He's never understood why...

It’s at that point that some paper just...pops out of a wall and Nemo announces that the conference they have to stop the Fantom ruining is "In three days"

Me: "THE WALL JUST TOLD ME SO"

My Girlfriend: Sure is handy he keeps his ships only means of communication in the same room as prisoners

Sawyer asks if its possible for the Nautilus to make it there in time

My Girlfriend: "You let me worry about that..."

But no he actually tells him that he "Underestimates the Nautilus"

My Girlfriend: "I wasn't really underestimating her I was just asking you a question"

Me: "I feel like it was a legitimate query"

"You underestimate her greatly....

(And then the scene just kind of fades out to a scene of the boat skimming across the waves while Nemo's Ghostly Face hovers over it

Me: "You underestimate her power to travel by means of a screen wipe"

My Girlfriend: "And her ability to make my face hover strangely over large bodies of water"

Me: “THE NAUTILUS CAN TURN ME INTO A GIANT GHOST”

On the deck of the Nautilus Quatermain is doing some shooting while Sawyer makes Lustful Eyes at Mina...Quatermain tells him she out of his league

Me: VAMPIRE LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU

Vampiric love belongs to the lesbians!

My Girlfriend: BEGONE, HETEROSEXUAL

Dorian creeps along to bother Mina and Sawyer decides that now is the time he should go bother her too declaring "Fortune rewards the bold"

Me: I think the saying is actually that it FAVOURS the bold but sure

My Girlfriend: Go ahead and mangle the English language like you have the works of Mark Twain

"If your require any help during the voyage Ms Harker, please let me know"

"I'm curious how you think you'll assist me"

My Girlfriend: "I was hoping to assist you with orgasms..."

Me: I love Mina's face here

Straight up looking at him like "I would break you in half little boy"

Sawyer suggests he could help with "Heavy lifting"

Me: "Those clothes you’re wearing look heavy, I could take them off for you"

Sawyer declares he's a "Useful kind of guy" as he opens a door for Mina

My Girlfriend: Opening a door would be far too great a challenge for a mere woman

Me: Thank god he's around

"Your sweet...and your young. Neither are traits that I hold in high regard"

Me: "I like my lovers older and extremely bitchy"

Dorian strolls past and pats Sawyer on the arm condescendingly

My Girlfriend: Oh look, speak of the devil...

Nemo declares that the ship will be diving soon and invites everyone to go back inside so they don't you know, drown

"Mr Skinner, Dr Jeckyl"

"Captain"

"Nemo"

My Girlfriend: "Yes that is my name, between the two of you you got it right"

The boat submerges Majestically

Me: WE NOW RETURN

TO NIGHT BOAT

My Girlfriend: After these messages

Me: If your looking for League....better check under the seeeeeaaaaaaaaaa

'cause that is where you'll fiiiiiiiiind leeeeaaaaaaaague

seeeeeaaaaa leaaaaaaaguuueeeeee

Underneath the waaaaaaater

Nemo reveals that what the Fantom stole were Da Vinci's blueprints of venice

Me: This is how Art Theft was done before Deviantart or Tumblr existed

My Girlfriend: It was much more literal back then

Me: Callout Post for the Fantom...reblog, don't repost!

Also stop murdering people

My Girlfriend: ITS PROBLEMATIC

Sawyer declares that the Fantom will attack by sea and Nemo gives him the Saltiest Look

Me: "Is your entire function in this film to State The Obvious"

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!

No plot detail no matter how trivial or obvious will be left to the viewers own brain to work out...just sit back, relax and let the characters tell you everything

We cut to later where Quatermain is relaxing in his room....only for him to suddenly turn out the light and get into a scuffle with...The Invisible Man who was lurking there!

My Girlfriend: Should we ask why the Invisible Man was lurking in Quatermain;s bedroom...NAKED...in the middle of the night?

Me: Given what he's like in the comics?

No we should not

"I WANT YOU DRESSED AT ALL TIMES! OR ITS MY BOOT UP YOUR ARSE!"

(Throws the Invisible Nudist out of his room)

Me: The exact same thing happened to me once when I gravely misunderstood the meaning of "Casual Fridays" at work

My Girlfriend: Anyone could have made that mistake

Later still he meets up with Nemo who tells him dinner is being served and offers him a dinner jacket

"Thank you, no"

Me: "Oh okay then, just don't make any effort whatsoever to dress up fancy"

My Girlfriend: "This is a nice dinner on a fancy ship but sure show up for it dressed like you just escaped from Jumanji"

"I may have been overly rude when I called you a pirate"

"I may have been overly charitable when I said I wasn't one"

Me: "But damn it I am NOT paying for a Disney+ membership"

My Girlfriend: "The Nautilus's hold is actually stuffed full of bootleg DVD's"

Nemo explains that he tries to live only in the present where the "Ghosts of the past" can't harm him. He asks Quatermain if he feels the same way

"I don't believe in ghosts...although I've seen my share"

Me: "Skeletons though, those are fucking terrifying

Watch out for those"

My Girlfriend: He's seen his share of ghosts but it always turned out to be a guy in a costume trying to scare away some Meddling Kids

Me: JINKIES

Nemo notes that Quatermain's past haunts him and so now he throws himself into harms way

Me: Because why have the audience interpret the characters motivations and personality from their words and actions in the film when you can instead just have them point at each other and go "And here's your backstory...and here's your backstory...and here's your backstory"

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

It analyses itself so the audience doesn't have to

Quatermain responds with a line about how tigers sensing the end are at their most fierce

My Girlfriend: I really don't think tigers "Sense the end"

Me: Tigers have supernatural powers babe

It's one of the wonderful things about tigers

We cut to the next morning where Ishmael is letting Nemo know that someone has been meddling in the navigation room...

Me: GASP

A traitor?

On this team of fine upstanding people that includes a thief, a vampire, a misogynist and a man who sold his soul to the devil?

My Girlfriend: WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT

As Nemo examines some strange powder....

My Girlfriend: "Cocaine...this was clearly the work of Sean Connery..."

We see a book fall over

Me: Almost like there was some kind of man whose invisible here....

Up on deck Quatermain is doing some shooting again...

Me: The sea is littered with the dead animals he's fragged by accident on this trip

My Girlfriend: Leaving a crimson trail in his violent wake

Sawyer shows up on deck to ask him why he signed up for this...

Me: "Because whiskey doesn't come cheap lad and I can't keep living off what I saved up from the James Bond days...oh wait you were talking to my character"

My Girlfriend: "Never mind then"

Sawyer says that he heard Quatermain hates the British Empire and Quatermain just replies with "They called and I came"

My Girlfriend: That really doesn't answer his question but okay

Me: I think he's missing a page from his script...

Quatermain begins some backstory with "A few years ago...."

Me: "In Burma...my friends and I were working for the local government..."

My Girlfriend: "When we came across a child playing with a tangerine...the size...of a tangerine"

Quatermain talks about how he was given a mission for "Queen and country" and he signed up right away

"I even took my son along..."

Me: "In retrospect it was a poorly thought out Take Your Child to Work Day..."

"He died in my arms..."

My Girlfriend: "I warned him not to swim less than an hour after eating but would he listen..."

"After that I washed my hands of England...the empire..."

Me: I mean the British Empire is definitely utterly terrible, no argument there but I'm not sure why he's blaming them for his son getting killed

My Girlfriend: Really sounds like it was all your fault, not theirs Alan

Me: This is one of the few tragedies in the 1800's that they can't be blamed for

The two stand around awkwardly after THAT little revelation

Me: Sawyer's wondering where he can get a "Sorry you got your son killed" card

My Girlfriend: I think Paperchase sells those...

"Now...would you like to learn how to shoot?"

My Girlfriend: "Enough experiencing emotions...let's repress them with violence like men are supposed to do!"

Me: "We need to stop developing our characters at once"

Sawyer says that he can already shoot and Quatermain responds by telling him his shooting is "Very american...fire enough bullets and hope they hit the target"

Me: ITS THE AMERICAN WAY

"I'm talking about pipping the ace from nine hundred yards!"

My Girlfriend: "Let me teach you how to kill things more efficiently"

Me: "LIKE A HERO SHOULD"

He hands Sawyer his rifle and tells him to be careful with it

Me: "Don't grab at your weapon so roughly...it might go off prematurely in your hand"

My Girlfriend: S A M A N T H A

Sawyer takes aim as Quatermain tells him he has all the time in the world....

Me: Next he's going to tell him about the man

The man with a Midas touch

My Girlfriend: A SPIDERS TOUCH

Sawyer misses completely but Quatermain tells him he was "Bloody close!"

Me: "Its just a shame you hit that endangered whale while you were firing at the sea"

He tells Sawyer to try again and as he takes aim he asks Quatermain if he taught his son to shoot like this...and Quatermain heads back into the ship without a word

"Quatermain?"

My Girlfriend: "Jeez all I did was remind you of your dead son who you blame yourself for the death of"

Me: "Way to get all emotional about nothing"

As Quatermain grumps through the ship he sees Nemo praying to a statue of Kali...

Me: I love how the soundtrack implies that a character not being a Christian is meant to seem sinister or suspicious to us

And When I Say I love it I mean Thanks I Hate It

My Girlfriend: "Wooooooooooooo

He has a SINISTER FOREIGN RELIGION

WOOOOOOOOO"

Mina shows up to tell Quatermain that "That's Kali...goddess of death"

My Girlfriend: That's Mina

Goddess of making up bullshit

Me: I feel like the producers of this film basically owe an apology to every single Hindu watching this film

My Girlfriend: I feel like the producers of this film basically owe an apology to every single person of every faith who has sat through this film

Mina asks if they can trust a man who "Worships death"

My Girlfriend: "Why can't he be more like the Christians and believe in good moral things like murdering gay people or blowing up abortion clinics with pipe bombs"

Me: "How can we possibly trust a man who has a different religion than we do"

That's

That's not a good take, Mina

My Girlfriend: IT IS THE WORST

Quatermain tells Mina that Nemo isn't the one he distrusts and Nemo closes the doors to his private room, giving Mina A Look

Me: "I heard everything you just said, by the way"

My Girlfriend: "If you want to insult my entire culture and faith maybe at least lower your voice"

Me: "No no its fine I'm just giving you free room and board, feeding you and helping you save the world by all means go ahead and crap all over my peoples religion"

Back in her lab Mina's taking a break from making racist comments to do some SCIENCE! while once again in her Naughty School Teacher garb

Me: "Hmmmmmmm...yes this is definitely science alright"

My Girlfriend: She is science-ing

Me: Maybe she can science up a way to stop making ignorant comments

Dorian comes to see what she's up to....

Me: "Did someone order a side of CREEPY?"

Mina reveals that she's examining the powder Nemo found and its "Magnesium Phosphorous" that photographers use to create a flash

"A camera perhaps"

My Girlfriend: YES THAT;S LITERALLY WHAT SHE JUST SAID

Me: "This powder is used by photographers" is apparently not obvious enough for audiences to get that someone was taking pictures

Mina says that it appears someone wants to "Capture the vessels secrets" as Dorian looks Fifty Shades of Shady

Me: "Maybe that person is CLOSER THAN YOU THINK...WINK WINK"

My Girlfriend: "WAIT DID I SAY THAT OUTLOUD?

DAMN IT"

Mina tells him she's surprised he joined the league

"I mean to undo the flaws in my character..."

Me: At this point I don't think anything can undo the flaws in how this film writes its characters

My Girlfriend: "I mean to try and have some kind of redemption arc..."

"I want to face my demons"

Me: Face your fears...stare them down....don't be scared....stand your grooooouuuunnnnddddd

For nothing is as scaaaaary

as it appears

All u gotta do is faaaaaaace your fears

My Girlfriend: You have a nice singing voice :)

Me: (KERMIT FLAIL)

Mina asks what Dorian knows of demons and....

Me: TIME FOR BACKSTORY: PART TWO

My Girlfriend: Give us flashbacks damn it

"Do you recall a space on the wall of my home...a picture was missing...and thought the picture is my portrait...I doubt you'd recognise it..."

Me: "But that's what I get for hiring Rob Liefield to paint it for me..."

My Girlfriend: "I swear I didn't have all these pouches when I posed for this...or a robot arm"

Me: And what in gods name happened to my FEET

He explains how every year the painting ages while he stays the same

Me: "Keanu Reeves has one just like it..."

We also see that Dr Jeckyll is just kind of...creeping in the doorway

My Girlfriend: JECKYLL LIKES TO WATCH

Me: I do not like

Anything about the way he's fiddling with that pocket watch

Dorian offers Mina a night cap which she refuses

Me: "Some warm milk....perhaps?"

My Girlfriend: "I'm fine"

Me: ".....

OVALTINE"

Dorian offers her a tiny shot glass of booze

Me: SHOTS! SHOTS!

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

EVERYBOOOODY

My Girlfriend: I would not drink

ANYTHING that this man offered me

Me: Especially anything he poured out of his sketchy ass hip flask

Mina breaks the glass because apparently she has never held a glass before and gets blood everywhere

Me: That's what you get when you buy shot glasses at pound land

My Girlfriend: Cheap ass immortals

And before you can say "Mina your blood fetish is problematic" she's getting super turned on by the sight of her own blood and her and Dorian start doing it right there in the lab

Me: Still a better vampire romance than Twillight

My Girlfriend: So Mina can't see blood without getting horny?

Me: It’s a serious problem

She got a paper cut once and humped the mailman

As Jeckyll leaves Hyde taunts him inside his head that he likes to "Look but not touch"

Me: I don't want to see this man touching anyone or anything

My Girlfriend: I don't want to see that or think about it

As Hyde taunts him Jeckyll insists that he's a good man

My Girlfriend: Good men always make magical serial killer potions so they can run around the streets murdering people as a CGI monster

Me: OF COURSE

Hyde accuses Jeckyll of lying to himself and brings up how he "Wants her"

Me: Jeckyll/Mina is Hyde's crack pairing

My Girlfriend: "Drink the elixir, I have a fanfic I need to post on AO3"

"She never even looked at you!"

"Be quiet!"

"SHE LOOKED AT ME!"

SUDDEN HYDE

Me: Hyde agrees with us that Mina Harker is totally a Monster Fucker

My Girlfriend: He's seen her Netflix history and has spotted that she's watched Shape of Water like eighty times

As Imaginary! Hyde strangles Real! Jeckyll Nemo appears and tells him to "Contain your evil, sir"

My Girlfriend: By that he means he’s spotted that Jeckyll has an erection

Me: OH DEAR GOD

He tells Jeckyll that he "Wont have the brute loose on my ship"

Me: It's almost like recruiting the man who turns into a twelve foot hulk monster was a bad idea

My Girlfriend: They need him so when the Fantom says "I have an army" Quatermain can slur out the words "We have a Hyde"

Nemo asks if he has to take "Drastic measures" to stop Jeckyll becoming Hyde again....

Me: "And by that I mean getting you into a compassionate twelve step AA program...I apologise if putting my hand on my sword while I said that was misleading..."

My Girlfriend: "This is just how I stand normally. Come to think of it it is a bit alarming..."

Me: "Many have died needlessly"

Jeckyll responds by snapping at Nemo that "Your own past is far from laudable"

Me: Geez, is it "Be a Jerk to Nemo Day" or something?

My Girlfriend: Stop being a dick to this man

Back in his room Jeckyll is further taunted by Hyde's reflection to "Let me out"

Me: "It's a beautiful day outside I wanna go out and play!"

But what does Jeckyll find but...a missing vial of the elixir!

My Girlfriend: He has a notion someone's stolen his potion!

Me: 'Twas Jeckyll's miracle elixir

That's what someone nicked sir

True sir true

My Girlfriend: Never do that accent again

Over with Nemo, Quatermain and Sawyer, Nemo is talking about how with Da Vinci's blueprints and enough explosives the Fantom could "Blow Venice's foundations to rubble"

Quoth Sawyer: "They're gonna sink the whole city!"

My Girlfriend: YES WE GET IT

Me: I swear to god Sawyer the next time you state the obvious I am going to enter the film and end you with my bare hands

Quatermain adds that if the Fantom does this he'll spark off a world war

Me: All the countries in question seem completely aware that they're not attacking each other but are instead being menaced by one weirdo in a mask

But they'll got to war with each other anyway

My Girlfriend: You can't just NOT have a war just because there's no good reason to have one

Jeckyll chooses that moment to come in and say that's not all of their problems...the Invisible Man has stolen one of his vials!

Me: "Okay, we're talking about all of Europe being plunged into a world war right now? So I really don't think an invisible cockney stealing your fizzy lifting drink is on the same level"

My Girlfriend: "A world war is bad but you know what’s worse? PETTY THEFT"

Soon the Nautilus has arrived at Venice just in time for...a carnival? Okay....

My Girlfriend: Ah yes the annual European Peace Talks Carnival

Me: They were cancelled after the year Archduke Ferdinand made the mistake of standing a little too close to the shooting gallery

My Girlfriend: TOO SOON

Nemo says they have to find the bomb and Through some dubious underwater CGI we see that there's a bunch of bombs underwater beneath the city

Me: Oh there they are!

My Girlfriend: This plot twist where Ariel has become a mad bomber destroying cities as part of her underwater terrorist plot is pretty dark for a disney film

Me: Look, she can only be pushed so far okay

The Nautilus comes to a stop and we get a look at...

Me: YE OLDE DIVERS

My Girlfriend: Nemo's made their suits as shiny as possible just to show off

Me: Look he just wants his divers to look as bling as possible okay

Nemo sends his Fancy Divers to look for the bombs while Mina brings up the fact that the city is a pretty big place

Me: Oh no...Sawyer's State The Obvious Disease is spreading...

My Girlfriend: God help us...

The team wonder where the Invisible Man got to and Dorian says that they should "Be alert for his treachery"

Me: "Because he's definitely the traitor

Him and no one else"

My Girlfriend: "Definitely not me so don't go thinking that"

There's a loud bang but worry not its just fireworks!

Quoth Quatermain "BLOODY CARNIVAL"

Me: "Old Man Yells At Fireworks"

Mina says that she feared the worst when she heard the bang...at which point the ACTUAL explosives go off

My Girlfriend: DAMN IT MINA YOU JINXED IT

Me: She just HAD to tempt fate

Now look whats happened

The bombs go off and an entire section of the city starts collapsing

Me: Well, our heroes sure did a great job preventing the destruction of Venice here

My Girlfriend: A+ work there team

Me: THE LEAGE OF INEFFECTIVE GENTLEMEN

Quatermain watches the destruction as he concludes there "Must be more than one bomb"

Me: Alan Quatermain, master of deduction

My Girlfriend: Who needs Sherlock Holmes when Quatermain’s around

Through some shaky logic Quatermain suggests that what they need to do is figure out what the next building to be destroyed will be...and then destroy the building after that

Me: “The bombs are destroying venice....AND IT LOOKS FUN SO I WANT TO JOIN IN”

My Girlfriend: This isn’t a plan to save the city, Sean Connery just really hates Venice

Me: “Bloody Italian architechture”

Nemo says that with a beacon he could launch a rocket at the right building and...stop the ones after that exploding?

Me: I’m really not sure I get how destroying MORE of the city will save it but then again I’m not an Extraordinary Gentleman so I guess maybe they know what their talking about

My Girlfriend: No one in this film knows what their talking about

Me: I do love how once again this film basically feels more like a video game than a movie

My Girlfriend: “This level has a time limit so be quick!”

Dorian brings up that they couldn’t hope to be quick enough to stop the bombs delivering the genuinely amazing line “I’m an immortal sir, not a gazelle!”

Me: “DAMN IT JIM”

My Girlfriend: If only one of the team had the power to turn into a monster man who can run extremely quickly...

And its at that point that Sawyer nyooms out of the Nautilus in Nemo’s “Auto...mobile” declaring “Care for a spin”

Me: “With a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero”

My Girlfriend: (Nemo voice) “If you have so much as dented that car my sword will find your heart”

Me: HE IS STILL PAYING IT OFF

The league piles in and Quatermain asks Nemo if he can track it which he confirms

Me: Okay so not only did Nemo invent a car he also invented GPS tracking...in 1899

My Girlfriend: Are you suggesting that this film is not historically accurate

Me: I’m beginning to have doubts yes

Quatermain says he’ll send up a flare to let Nemo know which building to blow up

My Girlfriend: “Guns...the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems” seems to be the rule Quatermain lives his life by

Me: A WHOLESOME MORAL

The group asks Jeckyll to come along but he insists that he will never again turn into Mr Hyde

Me: HE’S GOING COLD TURKEY ON MONSTER DRUGS

And Dorian responds by asking him “What good are you” if he won’t

My Girlfriend: OUR HEROES

Me: “If you won’t turn yourself into a rampaging monster that terrifies you then your not cool enough for our club”

My Girlfriend: Sad! Jeckyll here looks like he just wants a hug

Me: STOP BULLYING HIM

Quatermain starts giving Sawyer directions but Mina contradicts him giving opposite ones

Me: Backseat drivers, am I right?

My Girlfriend: Sean Connery is horrified at the thought of a woman giving directions to the driver

And as if things couldn’t get worse some of the Fantoms men pop out and start shooting at the car as well!

Me: Where does he keep getting all these henchmen…

"Damn Skinner...he must have told them we were coming!"

My Girlfriend: Oh sure, blame the Invisible Man for EVERYTHING

Dorian jumps from the car.....

Me: BRAVE SIR DORIAN RAN AWAY

BRAVELY RAN AWAY AWAY

My Girlfriend: Bravely taking to his feet

He beat a very brave retreat

Me: THE BRAVEST OF THE BRAAAAAAAVE

As the car demolishes more of Venice...

My Girlfriend: GREAT job their doing at saving the city here

Me: At this rate there'll be nothing left for the Fantom to blow up

And Mina sees Dorian gunned down by the Fantom's men and freaks out which....

Me: Did...did she just...FORGET that Dorian's immortal?

My Girlfriend: You literally saw him survive this exact situation LESS THAN A WEEK AGO

Me: WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT

Quatermain can't get a clear shot at the Fantom's men so Sawyer just tells him to "Take the wheel"...and proceeds to just start firing widly at them

Me: Well he didn't get any of the Fantom's men but the ricochets did manage to kill half a dozen carnival goers

My Girlfriend: That will make Connery happy at least

Quatermain yells at Sawyer that he "Doesn't know how to drive this bloody thing!"

Me: That raises a question...how does Sawyer know how to drive it?

If this is the First Car Ever and Nemo invented it shouldn't only him and his crew know how it works?

My Girlfriend: Sawyer played through a tutorial level while we weren't looking

We then get some Truly Exceptional Line Delivery from Mina as she declares "SAVE YOUUURRR BUULLLLEEETTTSSSS...THEEESE MEN ARE MIIIIIINE"

Me: WOW

That was just

QUITE A PERFORMANCE

My Girlfriend: They did twelve takes

And that was the best they managed

Me: "Okay now remember when you deliver this line make sure to sound as hammy as humanly possible"

My Girlfriend: Really sink your teeth into that scenery

Mina proceeds to leap from the car and just kind of....scale one of the buildings

Me: "Spider Mina

Spider Mina

Does whatever a Spider Mina does"

My Girlfriend: Spins a web

Any size

Catches crooks

EATS THOSE GUYS

Me: NO WAIT

DON'T DO THAT SPIDER MIIIIINAAAAAAAA

"Did you see what she just did?"

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BLOODY ROAD"

Me: I like to hope that there's an option on those GPS devices where you can choose celebrity voices that's just Sean Connery yelling at you like this

My Girlfriend: Who doesn't want to hear their car screaming "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BLOODY ROAD" at them in Sean Connerys voice

"It's a gauntlet!"

"THE VAMPIRE LADY HAS US COVERED"

Quatermain points at where Mina has...turned into a flock of bats?

Me: "WE CAN'T STOP HERE

THIS IS BAT COUNTRY"

My Girlfriend: It's going to be awkward when someone has to tell Connery that those bats are just in his head

Me: He drank a can of paint thinner when he couldn't find any alcohol aboard the Nautilus and he's been hallucinating ever since

The bats swarm all over the Fantom's henchmen....

Me: Shortly after this an outbreak of rabies swept across Venice

My Girlfriend: So is Mina just...MADE of bats?

Me: She's chosen bats

Over

People

'Cause she never did like the way humans made her feel

We then see an entire building collapsing and causing a stampede among the carnival goers....

My Girlfriend: THE LEAGUE OF INCOMPETENT GENTLEMEN

Heroically failing to save a single life!

Me: Look maybe they've done nothing to save the people or the city yet

But Mina turned into bats and ate people

And isn't that what REAL heroism is

Nemo is told that time is running out...

Me: Really?

I feel like this scene has been going on forever personally

My Girlfriend: I have forgotten a time when we WEREN'T watching Sean Connery race around venice in a shiny car

Me: THIS SCENE WILL NEVER END

As the buildings crumble around them one of the crew suggests they pull out but Nemo insists that they stay and "Do their jobs"

Me: At least one member of the league actually seems to care about saving this city

My Girlfriend: Nemo's basically the one competent member of this team

As the car nyooms through the streets Quatermain spots the Fantom just kind of...lurking around

My Girlfriend: WHY

Is he there?

Me: His plan is to SINK THE CITY

WHY WOULD HE PUT HIMSELF ON THE CITY WHILE IT HAPPENS

My Girlfriend: WHAT SENSE DOES THIS MAKE

Quatermain hillariously just tells Sawyer "I'm off!" and hops out of the car

Me: Not because he saw the Fantom

But because they just passed a liquor store

And he wants to do some looting

My Girlfriend: "You worry about saving the city, I'm going to go try and kill something"

The Fantom flees through the crowd as Quatermain follows close behind him

Me: Our films terrifying villain...unable to outrun a seventy year old man

My Girlfriend: "OH GOD WHY DID I COME HERE

WHY DO NONE OF MY EVIL PLANS MAKE SENSE"

Sawyer closes in on the next building about to be destroyed and before you can say "Extremely suspect CGI" he's nyooming through the air as the car goes flying across a canal...

Me: SLOW MOOOOOTIOOOOONNNNNN TOOOOO THHHEEEEE REEEESSSCCCUUUUEEEEEEEEE

My Girlfriend: His terrible CGI is more powerful than the Fantom's terrible CGI!

Sawyer fires off the flare...and then his car smashes into a building, flipping over as it does so

My Girlfriend: Well that guys dead

Me: The next fifty minutes of the film are just Sawyer going through a series of agonising operations and physical therapy sessions so he's able to walk again

My Girlfriend: All while Connery shouts drunken encouragement at him

Me: And by helping Sawyer heal his body...Quatermain in turn HEALS HIS HEART

My Girlfriend: The Lifetime Movie of Extraordinary Gentlemen

The Fantom sees the rocket Nemo has fired flying through the air and basically has a "CURSES" moment

Me: "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME GADGET...NEEEEXXXXTTTTT TIIIIIMMMEEEEE"

My Girlfriend: Wait

HOW does he know his plans been foiled?

How does he know WHAT the League was doing to foil his plan?

Because that's the only way his reaction here makes sense

Me: I think we're expecting too much internal logic from a film that just had Tom Sawyer crash a car through the streets of venice so Captain Nemo could stop undersea bombs blowing it up by shooting a rocket at it

"Bravo boy..."

Me: "THAT'LL DO TOM...THAT'LL DO"

We then see that Sawyer is...completely unharmed as he crawls out from under the crashed car

My Girlfriend: I'm sorry

How in the HELL is he unhurt?

Me: Literally does not even have a scratch on him

My Girlfriend: "It's a good thing this is just a movie

Otherwise flipping my car upside down as I smashed it through the wall of a building might actually have hurt me"

And then the missile Nemo fired blows the building sky high

Me: The next shot is going to be Sawyer crawling out of the rubble going "That was close!"

My Girlfriend: And that will be the only explanation we get for how he's unharmed

Me: TOM SAYWER: THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN

The explosions stop and the carnival goers all breathe a sigh of relief

Me: "HORRAY! SOME OF VENICE IS SAVED"

My Girlfriend: Our heroes bravely managed to stop...SOME of the city from being blown to pieces!

Me: And they only destroyed 30% of its beautiful buildings themselves in the attempt

My Girlfriend: A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE

Quatermain follows the Fantom into a graveyard....

Me: Thiiiiiiings you seeeeeeeeeee

In a graaaaaaaave

Yaaaaaaaaard

"Venice still stands"

My Girlfriend: "Well, some of it does"

Me: "Eighty percent of the city is still okay!

Sixty percent at worst"

The Fantom darts between the trees and tombstones

Me: The Fantom

Notorious hide and seek cheat

My Girlfriend: SHAMEFUL

He also taunts Quatermain with...gibberish?

Me: Sorry what did he just say to him

"You see yourself as the Brave John Bull"?

What the HELL does that mean

My Girlfriend: I think he said brave YOUNG bull?

Me: That doesn't make much more sense

My Girlfriend: Nothing in this film has

"Haunted by the memory of your sons death....you should have trained him a little better"

Me: True facts...when I went to see this film in the cinema...

My Girlfriend: YOU PAID MONEY TO SEE THIS?

SHAME

Me: Trust me I'm not proud of it... but when I saw it and heard this line I genuinely thought it was going to turn out that the Fantom was Quatermain's son, back from the dead somehow

My Girlfriend: No because that would be a twist that actually had some foreshadowing and made sense and didn't come completely the fuck out of nowhere

Me: Your right it would have been awful

The Fantom continues to taunt Quatermain saying that its basically his fault that his son died

My Girlfriend: "THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS"

Me: Taunting Sean Connery when he has a rifle in his hands is never a good idea

Quatermain tells the Fantom that he knows all about his spy (Who he thinks is the Invisible Man) and the Fantom replies with a sinister "DO YOU?"

And we cut to back on the Nautilus and...

Me: Hmmmmmmm

I wonder why the film cut to Dorian Gray

JUST as they were talking about the Fantom having a spy on the team

My Girlfriend: I’m sure it doesn't mean anything

Me: Your right because the spy is DEFINITELY Rodney Skinner the Invisible Man and totally not anyone else

Dorian asks if he's the first back with Ishmael confirms

Me: "Oh good no witnesses...I mean um...witnesses...to how innocent I am"

Ishmael talks about how "That bastard Skinner" has a lot to answer for

My Girlfriend: Trying to pass off fast food from Krusty Burger as his own home cooking...

Me: What are you talking about?

He made those Steamed Hams himself

"Skinner?

Noooooooo

ME"

Me: OH MY GOD DORIAN IS THE TRAITOR

WHAT A TOTALLY SHOCKING TWIST

My Girlfriend: HE SEEMED SO TRUSTWORTHY

Me: You can't even rely on a man who sold his soul to the devil anymore

And with that he shoots Ishmael several times killing him

Me: And he was just THREE DAYS AWAY from retirement....

My Girlfriend: Nemo had given him a boat of his very own called the Live 4 Ever

Back at the graveyard Quatermain is looking for the Fantom still...when he basically pounces on him from nowhere

Me: THE FANTOM ATTACKED WITH TACKLE

My Girlfriend: ITS NOT VERY EFFECTIVE!

The two grapple for a bit with Quatermain getting stabbed in the shoulder

Me: Our villain who earlier couldn't outrun a seventy year old man, now struggles to overpower one

My Girlfriend: I can see why he leaves most of the fighting to his henchmen

Quatermain knocks the Fantom's mask off but...whats this?

He's wearing a mask UNDER his mask!

My Girlfriend: I really hope that after he takes this mask off he reveals that underneath it is yet another mask

Me: What follows is a montage of him taking off increasingly ridiculous disguises

Quatermain is shocked to see that the Fantom...is M!

Me: AND HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO...

My Girlfriend: If it weren't for that Meddling Alan Quatermain!

M flees and Quatermain manages to throw a knife into his shoulder as he does so

Me: An eye for an eye...and a shoulder wound for a shoulder wound

My Girlfriend: A shoulder wound for a shoulder wound leaves the whole world with wounded shoulders

Me: SUCH WISE WORDS

We cut back to the Nautilus where Quatermain limps his way back

Quatermain: The Fantom is M!

And the hunt is still on!

Jeckyll: What are you talking about?

Quatermain: THE FANTOM IS M!

Me: "AND THE HUNT IS STILL ON!"

My Girlfriend: There is no way out of here...it'll be dark soon...there is no way out of here...

Quatermain asks where the others are and its at that point that Mina shows up with her hair down and looking pretty chipper as she declares Dorian is "Missing in action"

My Girlfriend: "He's definitely not in the Nautilus right now, murdering one of the captains friends"

Me: "What an odd thing to say...

My Girlfriend: I do question how it is that after turning into a flock of bats and feasting on the living Mina still looks like she just walked off the set of a shampoo commercial

Me: Her hair is nicer than mine ;-;

And I hardly ever turn into bats and kill people

My Girlfriend: Wait, hardly ever....

Quatermain asks about Sawyer and he just kind of...strolls on screen declaring he'll "Live to fight another day"

My Girlfriend: And that's all the explanation we get for how he survived being crushed by a car and then blown up

Me: I like to think he was lurking around the corner this whole time just waiting for a good line to make his entrance on

Mina goes over to check on Sawyer who justifiably looks a little nervous but she reassures him she's "Had her fill of throats for the evening"

Me: I feel like Sawyer would actually be pretty okay with Mina biting his neck

My Girlfriend: Mina looks thirsty for something ELSE here

Me: "Some may say I'm robbing the cradle...but technically he's robbing the grave!"

And its at that point that Ishmael, somehow not dead yet, just kind of lurches out of the ship

Me: Its a good thing he's been shot so many times he's built up an immunity to bullets!

My Girlfriend: He can't die until he fulfils his function as a plot device

Ishmael reveals to the crew that Dorian is actually the traitor, not the Invisible Man

Me: Sure is lucky for them that Dorian is one of those really lackadaisical murderers who doesn't bother to make sure the person he shot is actually dead

Otherwise he'd never have warned them of this

My Girlfriend: Once again Dorian is foiled by his slipshod approach to murder

Me: You can't half-ass these things Dorian

There's a weird noise from somewhere on the Nautilus

"What is that?"

"THE SOUND OF TREACHERY"

Me: "Okay but could you give us a more coherent explanation"

My Girlfriend: "That really doesn't clear anything up for us"

It turns out that Dorian is stealing an "Exploration pod" from the Nautilus that basically looks like a Giant Sea Orb

Me: DORIANS MAKING HIS ESCAPE INSIDE PAC MAN

My Girlfriend: THE FIEND

Dorian does take the time to open the hatch to blow everyone a mocking kiss...

Me: If only someone on the team had something that fired dangerous projectiles at a high rate of speed at him right now

While he is just sat there posing

My Girlfriend: SURE WOULD COME IN HANDY

Me: But such a thing surely does not exist and we totally haven't seen not one but two characters in this film use them only minutes ago

Dorian nyooms off like a wagon wheel...

Me: "ASSHOLE-MOBILE AWAY!"

My Girlfriend: "Remember us as we are now Dorian...FILLED WITH MURDEROUS RAGE"

Quatermain asks Nemo if he can track the pod and a furious Nemo declares "I MEAN TO CATCH IT"

Me: TIME FOR AN UNDERWATER CHASE SCENE

My Girlfriend: I love how they managed to knock down EVEN MORE OF VENICE as they left

Me: "Leaving rubble and shattered lives in their wake, our heroes bravely jet off in pursuit of murderous vengeance"

Heading into his conference room Nemo points at a Silver Thing on the wall declaring "That is us"

Me: "Nemo that's a wall"

My Girlfriend: "I think he might have hit his head when we were blowing up Venice"

But no apparently the silver...thing shows the position of the Nautilus and the the "Nautiloid" that Dorian escaped in

"We will be upon them soon"

Me: NEMO INVENTED RADAR IN 1890

My Girlfriend: The truth that the history books don't want you to know about

Sawyer asks Mina if she's okay and she says that she's just "A little shaken"

Me: "I am overcome with womanly emotion!"

When suddenly....

Me: What is that godawful whining sound...

My Girlfriend: I know he's annoying but there's no need to talk about Sawyer's voice like that

But no of course not what we actually refer to is the presence of a weird high pitched noise...the source of which is apparently a record that one of Nemo's sailors has found

Me: Dorian left them with his bands demo album to remember him by

My Girlfriend: "I know I betrayed you all but I'd really appreciate your feedback"

Me: He's hoping to drop the hottest album of 1900

"Captain!

We found this!"

"A recording disk?"

So of course Nemo plays it

Me: "Well it was left here by a man who betrayed us all and murdered my friend so I don't see how it could possibly be a trap"

My Girlfriend: "There's surely no harm in playing a recording left behind by an immortal fiend"

As they play it they are greeted by the sight of our old friend M

Me: FOCUS!

FOCUS!

M declares that if they're watching this then everything has gone as planned

My Girlfriend: "And you really are all as stupid as I thought you were..."

Dorian lounges in the background telling them that by now he's sure they know he's "no loyal son of the empire"

Me: Darth Vader is going to force choke him so hard

My Girlfriend: Probably not the first time he'll have been choked by a man in black leather

Dorian goes on to reveal that he's working with M because he has "Possession of something very dear to my heart...something I'd do anything to regain"

Me: "My mint condition collection of original Beanie Babies"

My Girlfriend: "The fiend stole them all"

As they watch Jeckyll reacts oddly but brushes it off as his ears just hurting...

Me: Hmmmmm I wonder if thats foreshadowing

My Girlfriend: Crude, clumsy foreshadowing...

M talks about how everything has been "Misdirection" including "The assasins in Keeeenyaaaahhhh"

Me: I'm sorry, KEEN-YAH?

Is that anything at all like KENYA?

Which is the ACTUAL place the assassins attacked Quatermain

My Girlfriend: "Uh, Director?

I messed up that line I...I completely mangled the pronunciation of Kenya...are we...we're not doing another take?

We're still rolling?

Okay sure whatever"

M goes on to reveal that the conference didn't exist

Me: WAIT THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE BLOW UP VENICE

My Girlriend: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS

He also reveals that the league doesn't exist and the whole thing was "A ruse"

Me: OF COURSE

ITS SO SIMPLE

My Girlfriend: No wait...its needlessly complicated and convoluted

Me: His ridiculously circuitous plan is three quarters complete!

He explains that his real goal when bringing the league together was to wield "The greatest weapons of them all...the league itself"

Me: Which would make sense if it weren't for the fact that only three members of the league actually have powers

My Girlfriend: Well Connery has the power to somehow not have perished from alcohol poisoning...

As M explains his plan Hyde pleads with Jeckyll through his reflection to "Turn it off Henry...please turn it off..."

Me: That's a common reaction people had to this film by this point in the narrative

My Girlfriend: "Turn it off...please turn it off" is actually what Alan Moore said when he made the mistake of watching this

M goes on to explain that to accomplish his goal he set "The wolf among you sheep"

And then, I am not making it up, the camera cuts to Dorian just so he can say "GROWL"

My Girlfriend: So that ACTUALLY happened

Me: Someone was paid to write this script

Someone was paid actual money

Dorian explains how he set about stealing the secrets of Nemo's science, Jeckyll's potion, and blood samples from the Invisible Man and Mina

Me: (In Quatermain's voice) "But what did you steal from me?"

My Girlfriend: (As Dorian) "I stole your whiskey"

Me: (as Quatermain) "I'LL BLOODY KILL YOU YA BASTARD"

M explains that the way he sees it its a win win for him because if they don't save Venice he wins and if they do well he's still got the stuff he stole from them

My Girlfriend: He's got a very glass half full approach to evil plans

Me: It's good he doesn't let setbacks get him down

M also says that one way or another a world war will happen as its inevitable

Me: I mean

Again

He's not actually wrong about that

My Girlfriend: History kind of agrees with him on this one

"Now some of you...perhaps Quatermain if he isn't dead...may be wondering why I'm telling you all this. What fool reveals his strategy before the game is over?"

Me: "In the game of chess, you must never let your opponent see your pieces"

"It is over...for you"

My Girlfriend: "I’m not a Republic Serial villain...do you really think I'd reveal my plan if you had any way of stopping me?"

Me: WRONG ALAN MOORE STORY BABE

M reveals that while he's been talking a signal has been broadcasting "Audible only to dogs and other lower animals..."

Me: Sick burn on Hyde there

My Girlfriend: Your already going to kill them there's no need to insult them while your at it

A signal that is being picked up by crystal sensors

"Sensors attached to bombs"

"BOMB VOYAGE"

Me: Imagine dying with that being the last thing you ever heard

My Girlfriend: Even if Dorian wasn't a villain I'd want to kill him just for making me hear that

Me: Can I also point out...what would have happened if the league had actually had the common sense NOT to play the record

MY Girlfriend: M knows them well enough to know no one on this team possesses common sense

And as Nemo smashes the record player the camera just kind of...zooms around the ship

Me: THE CAMERA MAN IS TRYING TO FLEE THE FILM

My Girlfriend: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE US WITH YOU"

The camera shows where the bombs are "Hidden"

Me: Okay NO ONE saw those?

Not one person on this well crewed ship spotted these very obvious explosives?

My Girlfriend: But they’re so cunningly concealed just sitting there in plain sight!

And the bombs go off!

Me: I have a SINKING FEELING that the league are in some HOT WATER right now

My Girlfriend: Why

Why do you say these things Samantha

Nemo declares that the ship is taking in too much water

My Girlfriend: Connery is horrified....he always hoped he'd drown in VODKA not something non alcoholic...

As the ship floods Jeckyll looks into the mirror to see Hyde talking to him again

"We can do it Henry!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"You know we can do it! Together!"

Me: THAT'S LEWD

My Girlfriend: This is hardly the time or place for that Hyde

Me: And how would that even WORK

Jeckyll runs down to where some of Nemo's crew are trying to seal a flooded section of the ship...

My Girlfriend: Kind of feels like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted...

And Jeckyll jumps into the flooded section while chugging his potion like he's effing Popeye

Me: HE'S STRONGERS THAN THE OCEANS

'CAUSE HE DRINKS HIS POTIONS

My Girlfriend: HE'S JECKYLL THE SAILOR MAN

Me: DOOT DOOT

Hyde sinks into the water with some truly grotesque transformation effects

Me: THAT CANNOT BE HEALTHY

My Girlfriend: HIS POOR BONES

And begins pulling a switch to...do...a thing (I do not know anything about boats okay)

Me: Hyde apparently is immune to water pressure and needing to breathe because he is large

My Girlfriend: He's immune because he's made entirely of unconvincing early 2000's CGI

Me: THAT EXPLAINS IT

Hyde succeeds and the chamber begins venting water which I guess solves everything?

Me: I was pretty sure that a LOT of the ship was blown up but I guess it was just this one room?

My Girlfriend: M didn't count on the League possessing the skill or intelligence to flip a switch

Me: I'd say he underestimated them but honestly that sounds like a fair assessment to me given how they've done so far...

And Jeckyll's reflection gives Hyde a proud "Well done Edward!" and Hyde looks kind of proud that his Good Self is proud of him?

Me: Awwwwwww?

Maybe?

My Girlfriend: I guess this totally makes up for all the serial killing he did

Me: Saving this pirate crew is more than enough to atone for the brutal murder of many many innocent people

Back in Nemo's conference room his crew is, hilariously, putting all the furniture back where it was before the ship nearly blew up...

Me: "I know you all almost died but that is no excuse to leave this place looking like a pig sty"

My Girlfriend: "I have guests for Kali's sake, I won't have them thinking I don't keep my home tidy!"

Jeckyll comes back up and gets a thumbs up from Quatermain (That Actually Happens) and replies to this by

"Let's not make a saint out of a sinner...next time we may not be so lucky"

Me: Sorry it's too late for that Henry

Your an awkward marginally attractive white man and you did a Sort of Good Thing...the fandom will now proceed to write one thousand fanfics about how you and Hyde are actually a Tortured Woobie who just Needs The Love of a Good Self Insert to become a Good Person

My Girlfriend: Get ready for a lot of discourse on Victorian Era TV Tropes about how your an Anti Villain now

Me: I do have to wonder...why would Hyde actually do this?

I mean the league shot at him, drugged him, chained him up, insulted BOTH his forms and his only interaction with Nemo was him basically saying "I will cut you bitch"

My Girlfriend: Clearly its because he's a Troubled Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold Deep Down

Me: JECKYLL IN LEATHER PANTS

Jeckyll wants to know if they can still follow Gray

"We were the faster...now we're the tortoise to his hare"

Me: Okay so from that line we can conclude that Alan Quatermain has never actually read the Tortoise and the Hare because he seems to think the hare wins...

Everyone's pretty despondent about this because I guess they haven't read the story either but then Sawyer pipes up that Gray and M will both think the league is dead so they now have the advantage of surprise on their side...Mina gives him A Look

My Girlfriend: Why does she look turned on by that

Me: I think she's just amazed that Sawyer actually said something that wasn't glaringly obvious or mindnumbingly stupid

My Girlfriend: "My god he might have a brain after all..."

They also learn that their getting a message in morse code! And hurry to the Morse Code Room

Me: "RECEIVING INCOMING PLOT DEVELOPMENT"

"What does it say?"

"Hello my Freaky Darlings"

"Skinner?"

My Girlfriend: "Only one person we know speaks in that atrocious Mockney nonsense!"

Me: Is "Freaky Darlings" even faux cockney at all?

It sounds more like something a cabaret host would greet the crowd with

My Girlfriend: Don't question the accuracy of this films Cockney Accents

The Invsible Cockney gives them the information they need to follow the ship and says he's hiding on it along with Dorian Gray and M...

Me: OKAY HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE

We saw that ship

That ship was TINY

There MIGHT be room for M as well as Dorian if M is literally sitting on his lap...

My Girlfriend: Which Dorian would not object to

Me: But you cannot tell me that there is room for anyone, invisible or not, to hide on that ship

WHERE IS HE HIDING

HOW IS HE HIDING

My Girlfriend: I think your expecting too much logic from this films narrative kitten

Me: I just want there to be ANY logic to it

My Girlfriend: Exactly

So they set off and we get a montage of Jeckyll and Mina patching up the wounded and Sawyer just kind of wandering around

My Girlfriend: There gonna need a montage

Me: OOOOOOOO IT TAKES A MONTAGE

"Good work...all of you"

Me: "Except you Sawyer, not really sure what you did"

My Girlfriend: "You don't seem to have actually contributed to the plot at all at this point"

Nemo explains that they're heading for the Sinister Frozen Wasteland of Mongolia

Me: Time to start getting down to business, people

And adds that it's almost totally inaccessible...

My Girlriend: "Inaccessible to anyone without Bullshit Main Character Powers"

Me: The greatest powers of them all

So the Nautilus just full on smashes through the ice...

Me: I feel like they may have lost the element of surprise

My Girlfriend: SURELY NOT

And the team checks out the frozen terrain through binoculars

Me: They're making sure they don't have to worry about any Armoured Bears...they don't have Lyra around to help them here

My Girlfriend: Lyra would have sorted this shit out far sooner

Me: And she'd have known not to trust Dorian effing Gray

They spot some settlements, all abandoned and I swear to god Mina actually asks "Why deserted?"

My Girlfriend: ITS A REAL MYSTERY ALRIGHT

Me: its almost like there was an international criminal with a private army of bloodthirsty mercenaries occupying this place...

They head off to look for where M is hiding in....

Me: ITS THE ARCTIC ACTION LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN ACTION FIGURE VARIANTS!

COLLECT THEM ALL

My Girlfriend: it sure is handy that Nemo just happened to have survival gear for arctic terrain on the ship

Me: And that it all just happened to be in the right sizes to fit the team

My Girlfriend: WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK

And they come to and I swear this is true, an actual fuckin castle that M has had built here...a castle with JETS OF FLAME shooting from parts of it

"M's summer retreat..."

Me: "THIS IS DEFINITELY THE FINAL STAGE ALRIGHT"

My Girlfriend: "I know a boss level when I see one

And that is definitely a boss level"

Me: Just imagine how long this place took to build

JUST IMAGINE THE LOGISTICS OF THIS

My Girlfriend: WHO BUILT THIS

HOW DID THEY BUILD THIS

WHY ARE THEIR TURRETS OF FLAME

Me: It's previous owner was a very angry turtle with a habit of kidnapping blonde princesses

The Invisible Man isn't there yet so they decide to wait...and we cut to...them all just sitting around silently in a cave...

Me: "So should we use this to...develop our characters?

Build some camaraderie?

Have anything approaching a well written moment here?"

My Girlfriend: "NO THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH

INSTEAD LET US JUST SIT PERFECTLY STILL IN ABSOLUTE SILENCE"

Me: WAITING AT ITS BEST FOLKS

Quatermain is sat outside the cave with his hunting rifle....

Me: Its going to be awkward when they find out he's frozen in place out there

My Girlfriend: So the team has a vampire and a much younger, fitter man on it...but they make the seventy year old alcoholic with bad eyesight go sit out in the middle of a snowstorm to wait for the Invisible Man to show up

While they all sit around by the fire

Me: CLEARLY THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE

And what should appear through the snow but...

Me: A KITTEH

My Girlfriend: A tiger, Samantha

Me: A SNOW KITTEH

I'mma pet it

My Girlfriend: IT WILL EAT YOU

Yes a tiger just kind of pads up to Quatermain and he points his gun at it....

Me: NOOOOOOO DON'T SHOOT THE KITTEH

My Girlfriend: "AI CAN HAZ MERCY?"

And Quatermain decides not to murder an innocent animal and instead just lets it run off

Me: He might be a drunken misogynist but he doesn't shoot animals for fun so I guess that's Something

My Girlfriend: Truly a redeeming moment

Nemo and Mina come out to see what's happening and Quatermain says it was nothing

Now you might think that the film will actually display some subtlety here but nope Nemo sees the tiger and replies with "Just an old tiger, facing the end"

Me: Well done movie

You had a real chance there for an understated character moment and you boldly decided "We will be having none of THAT nonsense in our film"

My Girlfriend: God forbid that the slightest trace of subtlety or nuance be allowed to exist in this films blunt narrative

Quatermain muses that perhaps this wasn't the "Old tigers" day to die after all

My Girlfriend: "Perhaps it had unwisely signed on to a two picture deal and was going to come back for the sequel"

And then to lighten the mood here's Mina having her ass grabbed!

Me: THE INVISIBLE SEXUAL HARASSER

My Girlfriend: HE IS SUCH A CHEEKY RASCAL, GOING AROUND GROPING WOMEN WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT

Me: Sadly that is pretty much the one in character thing they kept from the comics

"Get a grip Skinner!"

"I thought I just was!"

My Girlfriend: Sexual harassment is Highly Amusing!

Me: He lurks around naked and fondles people but its Funny because he does it while speaking in a Cheeky Cockney Accent

My Girlfriend: Invisible Boys Will Be Boys

The Invisible Creeper asks if he can come in to put some clothes on reminding them that he's naked...

Me: COVER UR INVISIBLE MANHOOD

"I can't feel any of my extremities and I do mean any of them"

My Girlfriend: I don't like

Anything about that

Me: THANKS WE HATE IT

Clothed once more he talks about how everyone was too suspicious of him aboard the ship so he knew no one would believe him about Dorian being the spy...

Me: Suspicious?

Of a decent and trustworthy guy like him?

My Girlfriend: How can they fail to trust a man who runs around grabbing women’s asses and lurking in peoples bedrooms naked at night

Me: HE'S THE SALT OF THE EARTH

He then proceeds to start basically giving a Speed Run Through of M's Evil Fortress as the scene cuts to extremely dogy CGI and scenes of M's fortress and army

Me: "Okay now listen close while I give you this play through of the whole level"

My Girlfriend: No cheat codes though!

He says that M keeps the scientists working "Night and day" with their families imprisoned "The men work..or the women and children die"

My Girlfriend: I guess in addition to wanting to start a World War M is also a sexist?

Me: I am pretty sure even in the 1800's Women Scientists existed

My Girlfriend: Apparently not there is Mina and that is it no one else

Nemo declares this is "monstrous..."

Me: He can't believe that the mass murderer who tried to blow them all up is a BAD person

My Girlfriend: I mean to be fair almost the entire team is made up of mass murderers as well

Me: True, their morality is a little skewed

And the Invisible Man explains that M is working to duplicate the leagues powers making "Invisible spies, an army of Hyde's, vampire assasins..."

Me: "An unstoppable legion of iron-livered Sean Connery clones, ready to descend on every tavern, public house and speak easy the world over and drink them dry"

My Girlfriend: There won't be a single drop of whiskey left by the time they're done

Jeckyll dramatically announces he "Won't let my evil infect the world" which Mina agrees with

Me: "I won't let anyone else evilly rescue entire boatloads of people from death!"

My Girlfriend: I feel like this is a Show Don't Tell problem here

We're TOLD Hyde is a monster...on screen however all he's done is get chased across rooftops and be helpful

Me: Likewise with Mina her whole "Vampiric Curse" thing actually seems like a pretty sweet gig...

The Invisible Gamer says that if bombs were to be planted throughout the factory they could blow the whole place sky high....

Me: Just be warned if the guards spot you the level is over

My Girlfriend: You have to go hide under a cardboard box and that tricks them somehow

The Invisible Man volunteers and we get...

"Skinner...I never knew you were such a bare faced liar..."

Me: I don't want him to be a bare ANYTHING

"All this time, pretending you weren't a hero"

My Girlfriend: He's the most noble ass grabber that ever lived

Me: A ROLE MODEL

My Girlfriend: He is an odd fellow but he Steams A Good Ham

"You'll make me blush! Besides, any more like me and I'll lose the franchise..."

Me: I'm pretty sure this franchise is ALREADY a lost cause...

The team are all geared up to take down M but Quatermain cautions them that they HAVE to take him alive to "Discover his secrets"

Me: What...what secrets exactly?

He literally explained his entire plan and how he did it

HE MADE A FILM ABOUT IT AND THEY WATCHED IT

What secrets do they need to uncover

My Girlfriend: He knows what someone would do for a Klondike bar

Me: DEAR GOD

Mina is adamant that Gray absolutely will be killed though stating "He's lived long enough"

My Girlfriend: "I've lived long enough" was also something Connery was fond of muttering to himself during the filming of this very movie....

Me: Mina needs her Revenge on That One Guy who she knew for a brief time and then didn't see for years, then hooked up with once because she has a blood fetish

His betrayal was sharper than a serpents tooth!

My Girlfriend: She is full of rage that the man she repeatedly said was untrustworthy turned out to be untrustworthy

Quatermain says he and Sawyer will capture M while Nemo and Hyde free the prisoners

Me: "The rampaging monster man can be left in charge of the terrified women and children.

Meanwhile the leagues two most powerless members will capture the diabolical mastermind"

My Girlfriend: I can see why he's team leader, with great judgement calls like that

We cut to M's Final Stage Lair where one of the guards is battered by the Invisible Man who...

My Girlfriend: How is he not getting hypothermia from being naked in all that snow?

Me: Invisibility magically protects you from frostbite its a Known Fact

Also Mina is Made of Bats again and she swarms toward the castle...

Me: And when the people all stop and stare

And ask her why she's gotta be like that

She looks them in the eye and bites them in the thigh

And kicks them in the ass where the sun don't shine

My Girlfriend: SHE LOOKS THEM IN THE EYE AND TELLS THEM SHE WAS RAISED BY BATS

In M's parlour, Dorian is talking about how he now gets his picture back in return for betraying the league

Me: He's going to be horrified to learn that M has actually just given him a portrait of dogs playing poker

M asks what Dorian plans next and he says he plans to head back to London...

My Girlfriend: "Maybe it's because I'm a londoner but I love London so..."

And adds that he's had his fill of violence and now he's in the mood for vice

Me: He's finally going to finish his Lets Play of Vice City

My Girlfriend: His subscribers will be overjoyed

M tells Dorian that he could stay and work with him and "Share my dream"

Me: "Are...are you coming onto me right now?"

My Girlfriend: "Secretly I'm actually Very Lonely"

Me: "It's hard to make friends when your an eccentric madman living in a castle in a frozen hell"

Dorian won't join any club that would have him though and tells M that he's lived to see "Empires crumble"

My Girlfriend: Does M actually WANT an empire though?

Me: It kind of just seems like he wants to make money selling Magical WMD's to assholes

My Girlfriend: That’s not really an empire

Dorian tells M that there are no exceptions to this rule

Me: Wait also hold on "Empires crumble?"

Dorian at this point is

AT MOST

In his eighties

When the fuck has he seen "Empires Crumble"?

He's not fuckin Vandal Savage, he hasn't been around for thousands of years or anything... he's a bored victorian weirdo who sold his soul to satan so he could keep his Boyish Good Looks

"You think your better than me..."

Me: The role of M will now be played by an alcoholic single father having a mid-life crisis...

"But you forget...I've seen your painting"

Dorian makes a face

My Girlfriend: "I've seen how bad your art skills are"

Me: "I KNOW YOU CAN'T DRAW FEET"

Elsewhere in the Lair the League arrives, flanked by some of Nemo's red shir....I mean um, soldiers

Me: Probably goes without saying but I should mention that all these men have just three days left until retirement....

My Girlfriend: I swear to god Samantha....

And we then get the Weirdest Effing Scene where Hyde (EDWARD HYDE OF ALL PEOPLE) basically brings the team in for a Group Huddle where they all put their hands in together

Me: GOOD HUDDLE TEAM

My Girlfriend: "Team...there's a little injured boy counting on us to win this...I know because...I injured him myself to inspire you"

Me: "I HOPE THEY WIN

OR MR HYDE SAYS HE'S COMING BACK"

The team all share an awkward moment....

Me: If we'd gotten a single scene extablishing anything like an emotional bond between these characters this scene might mean something

My Girlfriend: Whats important is they're pumped up to win the Big Game

Quatermain and Sawyer head off to look for M, having a little difficulty navigating the place as they do

Me: "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A MAP OF THIS AREA"

My Girlfriend: Check your inventory!

They also spot the captured scientists but Quatermain says that's Nemo's job

Me: His "Can't someone else do it" approach to saving innocent lives is what's made him a hero of legend

My Girlfriend: Awe inspiring, really

They continue to explore an increasingly familiar looking lair...

Me: I swear to god this is the final level from Timesplitters: Future Perfect

My Girlfriend: Hopefully that means a steampunk robot is about to burst out of one of those crates and fight them

Me: THAT WOULD MAKE THIS WHOLE MOVIE WORTH IT

The Invisible Man is planting some cartoonish looking sticks of dynamite around the place...

My Girlfriend: Did he buy these from Marvin Acme?

Me: "One previous owner who returned them after they failed to help them catch the Road Runner..."

Nemo and co knock out some more of M's guards....

Me: I love how they literally dressed M's goons up as stormtroopers just in case we needed a handy visual clue that These Are The Bad Guys

My Girlfriend: The film is so morally complex, they were worried they were being Just Too Subtle For Us

Me: I definitely never would have guessed that the bloodthirsty mercenaries working for the diabolical megalomaniac were Bad People without this useful visual shorthand

Nemo frees the prisoners....

Me: Unfortunately now he's going to have to do a sidequest where he has to safeguard them all the way to the exit point of this level

My Girlfriend: And he loses points for every one of them that he fails to keep alive

Me: Too many and he gets the Bad Ending

Quatermain and Sawyer find M's private rooms where...for No Reason That Makes Sense...we get a scene of M...having his mustache shaved off????

Me: "Finally

I no longer look like a Vincent Price cosplayer"

My Girlfriend: Can I ask

WHY does the movie make such a big deal about his mustache being removed?

Why is this treated like a plotpoint?

Me: I genuinely choose to believe that the mustache was part of his disguise as M when he was pretending to work for the British government

He's going to stroll into the House of Lords tomorrow and at first they'll be like "Ah look its good old M, our loyal friend...WAIT A MOMENT

HE HASN'T GOT A MUSTACHE!"

My Girlfriend: "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"

Me: "WE HAVE FALLEN FOR A CLEVER RUSE!

HE'S NOT M AT ALL!

HE'S A MAN WITHOUT PROPER FACIAL HAIR!"

My Girlfriend: I hate this but I also hope your right

M's Dramatic Mustache Shaving is interrupted by...some guy....??????

My Girlfriend: Sure movie, less than thirty minutes left in your run time now's a great time to introduce a new character...

Me: I THINK he's the henchmen who told the Fantom/M to run back at Dorian's house?

Which

Not to spoil the big twist but given who M is PROBABLY means this guy is Sebastian Moran

My Girlfriend: I feel he lacks the Hulking Presence of Vinnie Jones

Me: well most people do…

This excited Hench-friend says that he has M's "Box of tricks" for him...

Me: "I MUSTACHE YOU TO CALM DOWN"

My Girlfriend: "HA

IT WAS WORTH IT FOR THAT PUN"

He talks about how they have Jeckyll's potion, "The Indians" science...

My Girlfriend: "The indian"?

REALLY??????

Me: HE HAS A NAME DUDE

And brings up how M is going to be super popular in Europe now

Me: "People in Europe LOVE boxes of invisible skin and vampire blood...we're just weird like that"

My Girlfriend: I'm starting to think with all this vague talk about selling weapons to "Europe" that this whole film was financed by the Brexit Party

Me: "BEWARE THE EU

THEY'RE SENDING EVIL MASTERMINDS TO STEAL THE SECRETS OF OUR INVISIBLE MAN SCIENCE"

Over with Nemo and his crew the alarm has been raised and he tells Hyde that they're in for some trouble

"Trouble?

I CALL IT SPORT"

Me: Hyde's approach to sport is almost as brutal and violent as Wayne Rooney's or your average high school hockey team

One of M's soldiers rushes in to tell him that the league has infiltrated the base....

My Girlfriend: (In a fake accent almost as ridiculous as the soldiers) "BOY VHEN ZINGS GO WRONG..."

An annoyed M wonders "How many times must I kill these cretins?!"

Me: I mean he only actually thought that he'd killed them ONCE so far...

My Girlfriend: Okay but once is normally the maximum number of times you have to kill someone

M's hench-friend along with some regular henchmen and a....THING...

Me: Okay what the hell is that?

My Girlfriend: It appears to be the robot from Devil Girl from Mars

Me: Does that mean that somewhere in this building is a hot space woman in black leather

My Girlfriend: WE CAN ONLY HOPE

All open fire on Nemo with Probably! Sebastian Moran getting pretty joyful about the whole thing

Me: I know he's a villain but I like the Sheer Joy this guy seems to take in his job

My Girlfriend: Look at him go

This is a man who Truly Loves Shooting People

Me: When you love what you do you never work a day in your life

And soon all of their shots are mowing down his crew but somehow Completely Missing Nemo who is standing perfectly still and not even trying to dodge or shield himself

Me: it's a good thing Nemo is a main character

Or he might be in quite a lot of danger here

My Girlfriend: Luckily all of these soldiers have strict instructions not to shoot anyone with a name or a backstory until the dramatic finale

Hyde uses a big metal door as a shield and tells Nemo to get the scientists...

Me: Does...does Hyde even NEED a shield?

I mean...can gunfire HURT this thing?

My Girlfriend: I think he just likes the aesthetic

And in a fairly legitimately bad ass moment Nemo basically starts Slicing His Way through all of M's soldiers who are guarding said scientists

Me: Okay

That is pretty awesome

My Girlfriend: Nemo gets shit done

Me: Why is he not in charge of the League again?

My Girlfriend: It's the 1890's Samantha

Me: Ah that's right, racism ;-;

He kicks a ridiculous amount of ass, it must be said...

My Girlfriend: I feel like M is not getting his moneys worth from these henchmen

Me: The pen is mightier than the sword but the sword is mightier than the gun

Back in his Shave Cave, M is staring thoughtfully at his old Fantom mask when....

Me: "Seems like only yesterday I was...running around Graveyards pretending to be Russian and trying to blow up Venice..."

My Girlfriend: "Where DOES the time go..."

And all of a sudden Quatermain has a gun to his head and tells him the game is over "M...or should I say...Professor...JAMES...MORIARTY"

Me: WHAT A TWIST!

WHAT A TWIST THAT COMES RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE

My Girlfriend: So was Moriarty in the comics or...

Me: He actually was so this is actually one of the few things that was accurately copied from the League comic book here...though in the comic there were two villains and the other villain was Fu Manchu

My Girlfriend: ....

I'm really not sorry that they DIDN'T use Fu Manchu in this film

Me: Yeah Alan Moore's writing is...hit and miss

My Girlfriend: USING FU MANCHU IS A MISS

Me: it is definitely a miss

"James Moriarty...the so called Napoleon of Crime? That man died at Reichenbach Falls..."

My Girlfriend: "Wait so your not Moriarty?"

Me: "Then who the hell are you...I thought I had this whole plot thing figured out..."

"He died...and I was reborn..."

Me: "Oh so you ARE Moriarty and your...a zombie?"

My Girlfriend: "I FIGURATIVELY died and was METAPHORICALLY reborn..."

Me: "Well look you could be more clear about these things"

He nearly kills Quatermain when a henchmen lunges at him with a handy blade but Sawyer saves his life...

Me: Quatermain now owes his life to TOM SAWYER

My Girlfriend: "Alan Quatermain owes his life to Tom Sawyer"

Phrases I didn't expect to hear when I woke up today...

"Eyes open boy...I can't protect you all the time"

Me: HAHAHAHA IT IS A CALLBACK TO EARLIER WHEN QUATERMAIN SAID THAT TO HIM

My Girlfriend: It's almost like this was a real movie with narrative and plot development!

Over with Dorian he's getting ready to leave...

Me: So...how is he planning to get back to London?

My Girlfriend: Who wants to tell him you can't just walk there from Mongolia

When who should appear behind him but Mina!

In her new Sexier Outfit...

Me: Well it may not be the Devil Girl from Mars

But there WAS a woman in black leather lurking around the castle

My Girlfriend: When did she change into that and why

Me: It's a law that all Lady Vampire Heroes have to dress in Sexy Black Leather

Bloodrayne...Selene...I could go on...

My Girlfriend: I'm sure you could...

Dorian is surprised Mina is alive and she brings up how she can't die...

My Girlfriend: "Except through a stake through the heart, or beheading, or silver, or garlic, or...."

Me: "Okay maybe that wasn't strictly accurate"

Mina decides that Dorian is well overdue for an asskicking and lunges at him

Me: YES FUCK HIM UP

My Girlfriend: He deserves to die just for that "Bomb Voyage" line earlier

"Do you know what you've let out of me?"

"A WOMANS WRAAAARRTTTHHHH?"

Me: Who could have guessed that a character based on Oscar Wilde would be a misogynist

My Girlfriend: TRULY SHOCKING

Dorian slashes Mina across the face with his Sword Cane and she does this...weird sexy hair flip as her face heals

Me: Mina temporarily got confused and thought she was in a pantene pro v commercial there

My Girlfriend: The v stands for VAMPIRE

"We'll be at this all day..."

My Girlfriend: it already feels like this fight has been going on all day...

Me: Oh don't worry we have EVEN MORE of this scene to look forward to yet

They continue to fight and Dorian brings up that they're in "The bedroom...does it bring back memories...or ideas???"

Me: Look, movie you are not going to convince us this man is heterosexual

My Girlfriend: We've accepted a LOT of bullshit from you movie but that is asking too damn much

Mina says it gives her "Ideas"...and stabs Dorian right in the dick

Me: Mina does what we've all been wanting to do for much of this films duration

My Girlfriend: Mina is now the Most Relatable Person in this Film

Me: A TRUE HERO

Mina is momentarily distracted by the painting and Dorian stabs her in the chest!!!!

Me: OH NOOOOOOOO

I MEAN WE ALREADY KNOW SHE'S A VAMPIRE AND THAT WON'T KILL HER

BUT OH NO

My Girlfriend: I COMPLETELY BUY THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY DEAD AND THIS DEFINITELY IS NOT A FAKE OUT

"I was looking forward to NAILING you one last time...I didn't think it would be LITERALLY"

Me: ............

On the list of things this movie has made me hear with my own two ears

That might well be the worst

My Girlfriend: IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE

Me: Right?

He didn't stab her with a nail he stabbed her with his Sword Cane Thing...

IT DOES NOT WORK AS A QUIP

My Girlfriend: He's clearly caught Bond One Liner Disease from Connery being on set around him so much

Me: AND THERE'S NO KNOWN CURE

Back with Quatermain and Sawyer they're chasing Moriarty through the building....

Me: Okay, Sawyer is a fit man in his twenties at the latest...Quatermain is older but has spent his whole life as an adventurer...yet NEITHER of them can catch a FIFTY YEAR OLD MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR

My Girlfriend: I dearly hope the next twenty minutes of the film are just them chasing him up and down corridoors like a Scooby Doo episode

Me: "Now let's see who the Fantom REALLY i...oh wait right it's Moriarty, we already knew that"

Sawyer bumps into an Invisible Person who he assumes is their old pal Rodney Skinner...

Me: And I'm sure it definitely is

My Girlfriend: After all the film didn't foreshadow Moriarty having invisible men of his own only ten minutes ago or anything

And yep sure enough the invisible not! Cockney asks "What makes you think I'm Skinner?"

Me: Well done at completely giving away the element of surprise there

My Girlfriend: Much more sensible than just stabbing him in the back while he thought he was safe

Me: A truly genius manoeuvre literally abandoning the ONE TACTICAL ADVANTAGE that being invisible gave you there

So the Invisible Villain starts wielding a blade at Sawyer and stabbing at his um...crotch

My Girlfriedn: What is it with this movie and dick stabbings

Me: "Dick Stabbings" sounds like the worst Porn Name ever, as a sidenote

My Girlfriend: Why....would you say that

JUST WHY

Sawyer shoots at everywhere EXCEPT the knife...

Me: If only he had some kind of target to aim at

That told him where the invisible killer was

My Girlfriend: Something they were HOLDING maybe

And after a brief scuffle the knife comes back at him looking basically like Floating Cutlery

Me: I can't believe these bastards ripped off the greatest horror writer of our age...Garth Marenghi...and copied his classic Dark Place episode "Hell Hath Fury" with this fight

My Girlfriend: HE SHOULD SUE

Me: He would if it weren't for the fact he's declared bankruptcy fifteen times in the last two years

The novels are NOT selling like they used to babe

And then as if things weren't going badly enough out lumbers one of those Weird Robot Men Things...

Me: "S T O P T H E H U M A N O I D"

My Girlfriend: He actually just wants to ask Sawyer if he saw a lion and a scarecrow go this way

Me: Trust me you...you really don't want to know what Alan Moore did with the Wizard of Oz characters

My Girlfriend: Do I want to know ANYTHING about what this man was involved in?

Me: Well I mean Top 10 was pretty good... mostly...

My Girlfriend: Mmmmmmmmm....

The Robot Dude just full on starts SETTING EVERYTHING ON FIRE

Me: I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY BURN BABY BURN

CASTLE INFERNO

My Girlfriend: BURN BABY BURN

BURN TOM SAWYER DOWN

Sawyer looks done for...

Me: Tom Sawyer is in a HEATED CONFLICT!

Will the Malevolent Moriarty make Mincemeat of our Merry Men?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME

SAMNE LEAGUE TIME

SAME LEAGUE CHANNEL

But then the Actual Invisible Man comes to his rescue! He causes the robot man to explode...

My Girlfriend: it sure is handy that he was just RIGHT WHERE HE NEEDED TO BE at exactly the right time to do this

Me: THIS PLOT IS MADE OF CONVENIENT THINGS

My Girlfriend: it saves the heroes the trouble of actually having to think their way out of anything...

However he gets set on fire for his trouble

Me: "OH GOD THATS RIGHT FIRE IS HOT"

Over with Hyde he's getting the hostages to safety and doing okay when Moran runs up and basically gets ready to throw hands...

Me: I feel like this is a bit of a one sided fight here

My Girlfriend: Not really a fair match up...

Hyde bitch-slaps him away...

My Girlfriend: So his punches can SHATTER BRICK

But this guy is totally unharmed by it

Me: He equipped a body armour power up before the fight began

But Moran grabs a beaker of Hyde's Monster Potion!

My Girlfriend: Sure is lucky that he landed RIGHT NEXT TO THAT

Me: And that it wasn't spilt or smashed or in any way damaged during all this fighting

My Girlfriend: And that they had beakers of monster potion just laying around to begin with

Me: SO FORTUNATE

And just like that he starts CHUGGING THE WHOLE THING DOWN while pouring it all over his face

My Girlfriend: DRINK MOTHERFUCKER DRINK

Me: Not only is he going to beat Hyde, he's totally going to get into that Fraternity he's pledging

"NO...not the WHOLE THING..."

Me: True fact: watching with dismay and letting out a horrified "No...not the whole thing"...is also how Hyde's actor reacted at the after-party when he saw Connery get his hands on a bottle of hard liquor

My Girlfriend: It's a reaction that Connery has seen MANY times

Back with Dorian, he's creeping around Mina's corpse....

Me: Yep she's definitely dead alright

My Girlfriend: I fully believe she is absolutely 100% dead

He pulls out his sword and turns his back on her...and she rises up behind him

Me: MY GOD

ITS LIKE SHE WAS SOME KIND OF SUPERNATURAL CREATURE

POSSIBLY A MUMMY

She grabs his sword and stabs him impaling him to the wall

My Girlfriend: We're going to get another fucking quip aren't we....

"You broke my heart once...this time you missed"

My Girlfriend: YAAAAYYYYYY THERE IT IS

Me: She was pretending to be dead for so long because she was thinking that up

Dorian is pinned like a butterfly and Mina grabs the portrait where its wrapped up in the corner

Me: HMMMMM

Where could this be going...

And says how Dorian wanted to meet his demons...

My Girlfriend: I AM MYSTIFIED AS TO HOW THIS MIGHT END

She unveils....

Me: That is a VERY unflattering portrait of Richard O-Brien right there

My Girlfriend: That or its Crypt Keeper fanart...

And Dorian just turns into a skeleton like he drunk from the Wrong Holy Grail

Me: MY GOD

ALL THIS TIME DORIAN WASN'T DORIAN GRAY AT ALL

HE WAS A SKELETON IN DISGUISE

My Girlfriend: AN IMPOSTOR

Me: Who knows how many other people might have SKELETONS HIDING INSIDE THEM

My Girlfriend: Its the kind of thing that keeps you up at night

Mina makes the Best Face in reaction to this

Me: That is pretty much how I would react too

My Girlfriend: "Of all the things I expected to happen when I did that...I didn't expect THAT"

Over with Sawyer, he's looking after a badly burnt Invisible Man who coughs out that that's "The last time I play with matches"

My Girlfriend: These after school specials have gotten dark

Me: Really taken a morbid turn here

But while Sawyer is checking on the Invisible Man the Invisible Villain is behind him with a knife!

Me: "SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER"

My Girlfriend: How was he not At All Burned by the ENTIRE ROOM BEING ON FIRE

Me: More to the point how the hell was Sawyer not harmed by the room EXPLODING

what is this kid made of...

Back with Quatermain he's still looking for Moriarty...

Me: "Where's Moriarty?"

Never really took off as a book series...

He spots what looks like and declares it's the "End of the line" and shoots at him...

My Girlfriend: Didn't he say they needed him alive?

Me: You can't question a corpse Alan

But its just a reflection in a mirror!

Me: Well that's seven years bad luck...

My Girlfriend: Given what Sean Connery's film career was like in the years leading up to this movie I think the bad luck was applied retroactively

Moriarty smashes Quatermain's rifle with a sword telling him that he'll need Mr Hyde to kill him...

Me: Only a superhuman being could stand a chance at killing a MATHS PROFESSOR

My Girlfriend: He has all the powers of a middle aged man with a knife!

But Quatermain says Hyde will be "Making his own fun"...

We cut to Hyde getting the crap beaten out of him

Me: Do you ever get tired of being wrong Alan...

My Girlfriend: "I'm sure he's doing fine and I haven't left my entire team to die"

Me: "Can you imagine..."

Hyde calls out to Nemo for help...

Me: Okay I like Nemo

I really do...he's probably the most likable character in the whole film...but...WHAT EXACTLY does Hyde think he'll be able to do to help here?

My Girlfriend: I don't see how he's going to stand much chance against this thing

Nemo rushes to his aid only for Hyde to then...tell him to run? whAt?????

Me: "BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO COME HERE TO HELP YOU!"

My Girlfriend: "You know how changable I can be"

And we are "Treated" to the sight of...of....

My Girlfriend: what am I seeing here

Me: WHAT ARE WE SEEING WITH OUR OWN TWO EYES

WHAT IS THIS

My Girlfriend: WHY DOES THIS EXIST

Nemo asks the very reasonable question of What The Actual Hell He's Seeing

Me: EVEN NEMO IS HORRIFIED

AND HE IS A MAN WHO HAS SEEN SOME SHIT

My Girlfriend: "THAT'S THE WORST CGI ATROCITY I'VE EVER SEEN"

And Hyde tells him it's "Me...on a bad day..."

Me: That or it's the Ultimate Warrior, here to teach them about Destrucity

My Girlfriend: IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HIS DESTINY TO BE WHO HE NOW IS

The two Hyde's charge at each other...

Me: RAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR

YOU CAN FEEL IT TOO

My Girlfriend: HE NEEDS NOT YOUR PROTECTION HOAK HOGAN

And we then get the two of them exhcanging some Furious Punches...

Me: ROCK EM SOCK EM HYDE'S

My Girlfriend: In stores now from Hasbro!

Back with Quatermain he and Moriarty are involved in a sword duel

Me: it sure is lucky so many arch villains favour sword duels for their Climatic Battles with their nemesis...imagine how fast the movie would be over if they chose pistols instead

My Girlfriend: The next ten minutes of the film is just Quatermain and Moriarty shooting at each other and missing

Me: I mean it would still be a more exciting conclusion than the way they ended Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

it looks like Quatermain has the upper hand but then Moriarty just headbutts Quatermain and it looks Pretty Bad for him...

My Girlfriend: "I say old bean, dashed unsporting"

Me: "Dirty pool, Moriarty"

My Girlfriend: "It's just not cricket"

Hyde is not faring much better in his fistfight with Bigger More Evil Hyde...

Me: It's a good thing concussions and blunt force trauma don't exist otherwise he would be Very Dead by now

My Girlfriend: They are myths

Not like totally real things like Monster Potions

As he's temporarily knocked out of the fight Nemo tags in...

Me: "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR...A SEA CAPTAIN!"

My Girlfriend: HE'S GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM THE WAY HE SOLVES EVERY PROBLEM

BY STABBING IT

And then he just kind of goes into a WILD BLUR OF SWORD SLICING hacking and slashing away at More Evil! Hyde

My Girlfriend: OH MY GOD WHY WAS I RIGHT

Me: He's showing off the skill and quickness with a blade here that has lead to him winning Chopped fifteen years in a row

However Nemo is also knocked back and he's convinced that there's no way to stop Evil! Hyde

Me: "Stabbing it didn't work!

AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO"

My Girlfriend: "HE'S IMMUNE TO SWORDS

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL"

"He's burning through the formula too fast...he'll soon change ba..."

(Hyde is interrupted by More Evil! Hyde smashing his fist through a wall and just thwapping his head against the bricks

Me: "OH GOD I WAS WRONG HE'S NOT CHANGING BACK AT ALL"

My Girlfriend: "NEMO FOR GODS SAKE HELP ME"

Back with Quatermain and Moriarty their fight continues as Moriarty swings a chain at him!

Me: HE'S CHAINING HIS ATTACKS

My Girlfriend: GET OUT NOW

But Quatermain gets hold of it and starts choking Moriarty with it

Me: "OH GOD...THIS IS HOW DAVID CARRADINE DIED"

My Girlfriend: "WE DIDN'T SET A SAFE WORD YET"

"I hope I have your fire when I'm your age..."

My Girlfriend: It's nice he can still compliment his nemesis as he tries to murder him

Me: Good manners cost nothing after all

Quatermain says Moriarty won't live past today but he manages to get free!

Me: "Oh I guess maybe you will live past today"

My Girlfriend: I'm genuinely curious why the plan went from "Capture M" to "Murder M with a Chain"

Me: Quatermain decided it would just be too much bother

Only for Quatermain to come at him fists raised

My Girlfriend: An angry Sean Sonnery, looming at you with his fists in the air

NEVER a welcome sight

Me: THE LAST THING SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN

And begin repeatedly smacking him right in the face...

Me: This wasn't even scripted, Connery just saw Moriarty's actor stealing a drink from his hip flask and this is how he reacted

My Girlfriend: HE KNEW THE RISKS

Quatermain grabs himself an axe...

Me: "I'm going to AXE you a question"

My Girlfriend: It's a good thing this room has so many equippable weapons

Me: It's like a Resident Evil boss fight in this place...

Back with Hyde and Nemo as they flee Hyde reveals his own potion is wearing off!

Me: OH NO THE TIMING

THE INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY AND INCONVENIENT TIMING

My Girlfriend: His potion is designed to wear off at the most dramatic moment in the plot

Me: "In retrospect it was not a good choice"

As he changes back we get to see More Evil! Hyde charging at them and just...

WOW

Me: Well then

I'll be seeing THAT in my nightmares tonight

My Girlfriend: IT CAN NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

They take cover in a room full of...spiky ice crystals????

Me: Why is this room here...

My Girlfriend: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ROOM

As More Evil Hyde rampages some of the Spiky Ice Crystals fall toward them but they dodge for now!

Me: NO REALLY WHO DESIGNED THIS PLACE

My Girlfriend: WHY DOES MORIARTY'S CASTLE LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN MARIO STAGE

Back with Quatermain and Moriarty, Moriarty rants about how they'll be "Others like me..."

Me: "Other abysmally acted movie villains with a British accent and a vague evil plot!"

My Girlfriend: "Appearing in one disappointing summer blockbuster after another!"

Me: "UNTIL THE END OF TIME"

"You can't kill the future!"

Me: Okay but he can very much kill YOU though

My Girlfriend: I'd be more worried about that than the future right now

Quatermain looms over him with an axe as the music gets Very Dramatic!

My Girlfriend: OH NO

OUR FILMS VILLAIN IS IN PERIL

Me: HE'S GOING TO MURDER THE COLD BLOODED MURDEROUS ARMS DEALER!

My Girlfriend: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

As Quatermain gets ready to bring the axe down and More Evil! Hyde gets ready to stab Jeckyll and Nemo....the bombs go off!

My Girlfriend: They forgot this stage was on a timer

Me: WHAT A ROOKIE MISTAKE

Now they'll have to play through it all over again!

And everything stars Blowing The Fuck Up

Me: Somewhere, Michael Bay just had an orgasm

My Girlfriend: Never say those words again

As the castle collapses everyone is thrown about and More Evil! Hyde is trapped under rubble...

Me: And once again the film is weirdly specific at showing one of the VILLAINS of the movie in peril

My Girlfriend: There is a haunting desperation in his eyes

Our lost shot of him is him screaming right before he too Blows Up

Me: WELL THAT WAS DARK

My Girlfriend: He died as he lived...in a castle

Back with Moriarty he's taking advantage of the confusion to...grab his Fantom mask again? whAt???????????

Me: Okay seriously what is it with him and that mask

My Girlfriend: IT WAS A GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER OKAY

IT HAS REAL SENTIMENTAL VALUE

Me: Its a priceless supervillain mask family heirloom

Quatermain has him at gunpoint though but he asks him if he "Ever gets tired of being wrong"

Me: "Why do you keep taking these roles"

My Girlfriend: "I mean good god man that Avengers reboot...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"

"Wrong about the league...wrong about me...wrong about Skinner...and wrong about your American"

My Girlfriend: He's actually been CANADIAN this whole time!

Me: DECEPTION

DISGRAAAAAAACE

"I think you trained him about as well as you trained your son!"

Me: On the list of things NOT to say to a pissed off man who is pointing a gun at your face

"Hahahahaha ur son is dead lol he sucked"

Is probably at the top of that list

My Girlfriend: "You could shoot me dead and already hate me so I think I'll just be even more loathsome to piss you off some more"

Me: He's a criminal genius alright

In the reflection of the Fantom Mask Quatermain sees that the invisible assasin has got Sawyer at knife point behind him!

Me: "MY GOD SOMEONE'S TRAPPED TOM SAWYER IN A MASK"

My Girlfriend: "IT'S A REFLECTION YOU IDIOT"

He whirls around and shoots said invisible man dead

Me: RIP Some Guy who was invisible

My Girlfriend: We hardly knew ye

But Moriarty stabs Quatermain in the back!

Me: “RIGHT IN THE BACK

LIKE THE COWARD I AM”

My Girlfriend: If heroes can be judged by the quality of their enemies then the League are…not that impressive

Me: Likewise if Moriarty is to be judged by the league being his enemies he doesn’t come out of this looking great either

And then no word of a lie he JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND HIS COAT LETS HIM GLIDE TO SAFETY LIKE HE WAS FUCKIN DRACULA

Me: All this time Moriarty kept the deadliest weapon of all to himself…A MAGIC COAT

My Girlfriend: Apparently you can slow your fall from a great height by just wearing a long coat

Me: Babe grab my Matrix coat I’mma jump off the roof

My Girlfriend: SAMANTHA NO

He takes off running...Sawyer and Quatermain have a rifle...

Me: OH GOOD!

CHEKOVS GUN!

But those spectacles we saw Quatermain needs to hit a distant target were broken in the fight!

Me: OH NO!

CHEKOVS SPECTACLES!

He instead tells Sawyer that he has to take the shot, telling him that "He's ready"

My Girlfriend: Remember all that training we saw him give Sawyer, ready for this moment?

Me: Not…really?

My Girlfriend: GOOD, ME NEITHER

Me: We literally saw him try to teach Sawyer to shoot once, for two minutes…and Sawyer was terrible at it…and then Quatermain grumped off

My Girlfriend: But it’s fine because now he’s a crack shot

Me: SOMEONE on this movie was on some kind of crack

"You have all the time in the world..."

Me: There’s that Bond reference again!

My Girlfriend: They are really milking it here

Moriarty is nearly at his Escape Ship....

Me: And once he reaches it he shall retire from crime in three days ti…

My Girlfriend: (HITS ME WITH A PILLOW)

But Sawyer shoots him down and the box of Stolen League Stuff goes skidding under the ice Me: Annnnnnnd…that’s our big climax for our MAIN VILLAIN folks

Our main villain who we didn’t even find out was Moriarty until about twenty minutes before he died

My Girlfriend: Shot in the back, running across the ice by Tom fuckin Sawyer

Me: PULSE POUNDING

Sawyer is pretty happy about killing a man but turns around to see Quatermain is NOT in good shape... Me: I just want to point out Quatermain has been getting stabbed throughout this movie and been fine but apparently this time he was stabbed in his…enchanted collar bone or something?

So now he’s dying of Plot Twist

My Girlfriend: Alternatively he’s dying because he’s been getting stabbed repeatedly throughout this movie and never ONCE sought medical treatment

Me: “BAH!

DOCTORSH WHAT DO THEY KNOW!?

THE ONLY MEDISHINE I NEED IS WHISHKEY”

"May this new century be yours son...as the last one was mine..." Me: Translation: Please god don’t bring me back for the sequel

My Girlfriend: “May your career go better than mine did son”

Me: “If you ever get the lead role in a spy franchise, DON’T QUIT IT

Nothing good will happen to you afterwards”

We cut to...Kenya! Where they're having a funeral for Quatermain.... Me: So I guess that’s all the wrap up we’re getting to all of THAT then

My Girlfriend: I just want to say if they transported Quatermain’s body all the way to Kenya from Mongolia BY SEA that body is probably pretty ripe by now

"You remember how the old boy said Africa would never let him die?"

My Girlfriend: “LOOKS LIKE HE WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT WASN’T HE”

Me: “TOO SOON”

"What's next?"

Me: “Years of shame as we try to get a better part in a less terrible film

Then we tour the conventions when this movie gets Cult Status as a So Bad Its Good B Movie”

My Girlfriend: “Then in our late sixties we enjoy a resurgence in popularity when Rifftrax or MST3K riff this abominable mess and bring us newfound acclaim”

Nemo says he's tired of "Hiding away from the world" and wishes to "See this new century"

My Girlfriend: “I wanna be…where the people are”

Me: “I wanna see…wanna see them daaaaaancing”

He invites them all to come along which they agree to because Why Not

Me: “We have learned that all of us are a vampire

And a Mr Hyde

A pirate captain

An invisible man

And a Mark Twain character”

My Girlfriend: “Yours…the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”

Me: And then Tom Sawyer kisses Mina and walks away while pumping his fist in the air

My Girlfriend: DON’T YOOOOUUUUUUU

FORGET ABOUT MEEEEEE

Mina and Jeckyll share a Sad Farewell to Quatermain's grave

Me: “We’re going to really miss that guy we shared one conversation with one time”

My Girlfriend: Mina is heartbroken that the repulsive misogynist who told her women are nothing but a distraction is no longer with them

And, this is genuinely all the emotional pay off we get, Sawyer just puts his rifle on Quatermain's grave, pats it, says "Thanks" and runs off

Me: Well

They really wrapped up that character arc well

My Girlfriend: GREAT STUFF

Truly the conclusion we all were desperate to see

Me: The closest thing this film had to any genuine emotional honesty was the father/son bond the two were developing

How do they deal with that?

Quatermain drops dead of “They’re not paying me enough to do another of these bloody things” and Sawyer basically reacts with less emotion than you’d expect if the family dog had passed away

My Girlfriend: I’d be WAY sadder about a dog dying than Sean Connery getting killed

Me: WE ALL WOULD

But still

As they leave we get an Extremely Racist Stereotype because oh goody!

Me: HORRAY

The whole time I was watching this I was thinking “But wait where’s all the RACISM”

Here it is

My Girlfriend: They saved it for us

They're doing...I don't know some kind of magic? And suddenly clouds fill the sky...

My Girlfriend: Ororo Munroe must be nearby

Me: HALLE BERRY NO

You’ve been in enough terrible superhero movies…stop putting yourself through this!

Quatermain's grave begins to rumble...

My Girlfriend: Please tell me his hand is going to shoot up out of the grave and grab the rifle Me: You would THINK but…

And then the credits

Me: AND THAT’S IT

My Girlfriend: …..

No really, where’s the rest of the movie

Me: That’s it

THAT’S THE ENDING

My Girlfriend: THAT’S THE ENDING

Me: I genuinely thought, like you, that Quatermain’s hand was gonna shoot up like the end of fuckin Carrie at the end there and grab his rifle

But no

THAT’S IT

My Girlfriend: WELL THEN

Final Thoughts:

Me: So that was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

THOUGHTS?

My Girlfriend: It was…extraordinary

In that I find it extraordinary that any of this ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Or that a studio looked at the script or the rough cut of the film and decided to ACTUALLY release this to the public

Me: I find it extraordinary that Sawyer somehow never gets so much as a bruise despite being shot at, crushed, blown up TWICE and attacked with a knife

My Girlfriend: TOM SAWYER IS IMMORTAL

Me: I have to say, I watched the Nostalgia Critic review of this once and in it he genuinely called this film “Boring” and that, like many things about Channel Awesome these days, is something I cannot agree with…

Boring?

Really?

Did we see the same film?

My Girlfriend: This film was many things…cheesy, campy, incoherent, nonsensical, confusing, hilarious, badly plotted, weirdly acted…but it never bored me

Me: And I feel like we should stress that like…this is NOT a good movie…but if your in the right frame of mind and you enjoy So Bad Its Good silliness it is a FUN movie a lot of the time

My Girlfriend: Highlights?

Me: I would have to say that everything about the fight scenes was HILLARIOUS just for how weird they got with it…it gave us gems like “The vampire lady has us covered”, Mr Hyde fighting Bigger Angrier Mr Hyde and of course Sean Connery running through the streets of paris shooting at Mr Hyde as he runs around the rooftops in a GIANT TOP HAT

My Girlfriend: For me it was probably the sheer stupid fun of this whole film.

That said

I really could have done without Quatermain’s oh so charming 1800’s sexism

Me: SAME

And I think we all could have done without “Nemo’s FOREIGN RELIGION is scary to us!” as well

My Girlfriend: WE REALLY COULD HAVE

Me: Did we learn anything from this film?

My Girlfriend: We learned you can be a thief, a serial killer or drink the blood of the living but its all okay if your willing to go murder people who are slightly worse

Me: We learned that you shouldn’t overdose on Mr Hyde Drugs

My Girlfriend: We learned that Sean Connery doesn’t actually read the scripts his agent sends him….

Me: Most importantly we learned that if we ever die we should get buried in Kenya because apparently the country has the power to just bring you back as a Superhero Zombie

My Girlfriend: Samantha what the hell do you mean IF we ever die

Me: I HAVE A PLAN

My Girlfriend: oh no…

#Comics #Let's Watch Movies #DC #Sfw #This was An Experience

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