#and will only be home for thanksgiving and MAYBE a weekend or two

[helleanorlance]

Finally put my foot down with my sister and told her that I can’t cover for her tonight or tomorrow night and somehow she is acting like I am the bitch in this situation. And I do think she genuinely feels that way but like… she gets to leave in three weeks! And not come back! And then it’s all my responsibility! And I have taken over for her every fucking time she has asked me to all summer, even though she never gives me advance notice. So I’m pretty sure that I am in the right here

[roosterforme]

The Younger Kind Part 58 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: Bradley is hesitant to drive his family to Disneyland, and he's even more hesitant to make love to you. All he seems to be able to think about is the baby and his desire to plan the perfect, low-key wedding, but you make sure he takes some time to relax.

Warnings: pregnancy topics, swearing, smut, angst, fluff, and age gap (18+)

Length: 3700 words

Pairing: Single dad!Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x babysitter!female reader

Check out my masterlist for more! The Younger Kind masterlist.

Bradley couldn't ever remember being this stressed out in his life. Well, besides every single time he had to deal with Meredith. The weeks had absolutely flown by, probably because he was not so secretly dreading driving up to Disneyland for Thanksgiving weekend. He'd voiced his opinions and concerns several times, but apparently your doctor's answer overrode his. Disneyland was happening, and the only thing he'd been able to insist upon for his own peace of mind was the addition of Nat.

Thanksgiving dinner at Mav and Penny's had been relaxing and peaceful. Bradley hadn't been home for the holiday the past two years, and it felt good to have a day to just appreciate everyone around him. Having you there made all the difference, and he knew he wanted you with him for every holiday from now on. You tried to help Penny cook and clean up, but everyone else insisted you rest and just enjoy yourself.

That was just a few hours ago, and now the sun had set, and Noah was in his pajamas. Bradley buckled him in the backseat of the Bronco before checking to make sure all of the bags made their way in as well. That's when he heard the argument coming from the sidewalk. 

"You can sit in the front," you insisted. "I don't mind sitting in the back with Noah."

"No, no," Nat replied, "I insist. I'll sit in the back so you can sit with Bradley."

"But I kind of want to sit with Noah," you told her. "You can sit with Bradley and talk about work."

"Or," Nat replied, "you and he can hammer out some of the wedding details while you sit in the front with him."

"Are you both serious right now?" Bradley asked as he slammed the tailgate shut. "Neither of you want to sit with me?"

He held his arms out to his sides, and you rushed over to give him a hug with a little smirk on your face. "I'm sorry, Daddy," you whispered, pressing your cheek to his chest and giving him a hug. "It's just that Noah is so sweet, and he'd probably hold my hand until he falls asleep."

Nat used this opportunity to get herself situated next to Noah with a bright smile on her face. "You know, I expect this kind of thing from her, but not from you, Princess," Bradley said before kissing the top of your head. "Get in the front and hold my hand instead?"

Thirty minutes later, Bradley was driving up the highway, and he was the only one awake as your hand rested softly in his. He stroked your knuckles and your ring as he wove along the roads on the way up to Anaheim. "I can't believe what you've done to my life," he whispered, shaking his head but smiling. At the beginning of the year, he'd been stressed out pretty much all the time. He would have never planned a trip to Disneyland just for him and Noah, because every day felt impossible back then. If he was honest with himself, every day still felt challenging now with Noah getting older and the baby on the way, but nothing was ever harder because of you. It was always better.

He heard rustling in the backseat, and when he glanced in his mirror, he saw that Nat was awake. "Javy texted me," she said with a yawn when she met his eyes. "He said your dog is a pussy magnet."

Bradley snorted. "Let me guess. He took her for a walk and women came out of the woodwork to talk to him?"

She hummed and said, "Maybe leaving Skittles with him for the weekend was a bad idea."

"Nah," Bradley replied, stifling his laughter. "I'm sure he told them that he already has a really mean girlfriend and that she would kick their asses if they looked at him too long."

She leaned forward and smacked the back of his head. "I'm not mean."

"Sure, Nat."

"Hey, I did the impossible by finding you a wife. That's nice person shit right there."

"Yet with the undertone of condescension," Bradley replied, making her laugh. "I do owe you though. And you won't even let me say thank you."

This time she patted him gently on the back of his head. "You can say it one time."

"Thanks, Nat."

----------------------------

You vaguely remembered half walking and half being carried up to the hotel room in your state of exhaustion. Thanksgiving had taken more out of you than you thought considering you barely did anything to help Mav and Penny with dinner or dessert. But apparently the turkey made you sleepy. Everything was making you sleepy now. But you were finally past the progesterone shots, and your doctor said everything was looking good.

Friday morning when you woke up as the sun just started peeking in through the window, you jolted up in bed naked. Bradley was still asleep next to you, snoring softly, but you looked around the room a bit frantically. "Daddy," you gasped, shaking him awake. "Bradley! Where's Noah?"

He rolled onto his back and looked up at you through barely cracked open eyes. "Princess?" he rasped, simply reaching for you and trying to pull you back against him. But the other bed was empty, and your heart wouldn't calm down.

"Where's Noah?" you repeated, and now he started to sit up.

"Next door," he mumbled. "He's in the other room with Nat, Baby."

You placed your hand over your heart and eased yourself back down onto the pillow as you whispered, "Right. Right. Sorry, I just barely remember you even bringing me to the room last night."

"Don't apologize," he murmured next to your ear as he pulled you closer to him. "You're the best Mommy." His face was pressed against your neck and shoulder, and his arm was like a boa constrictor, tightening little by little until around your ribs until you were snug against him. You felt protected and loved as the sound of his steady breathing calmed you down. But he had morning wood, and you could feel Bradley's erection firm and long against the back of your thigh as he spooned you. 

It had literally been months since you felt his cock thrusting inside you. You and he hadn't had vaginal intercourse since before he left for his special flight mission in Japan, and now you were aching painfully. Sure, you'd had fun getting him off with your hands, mouth and breasts for the last four weeks, and he'd been very generous with his lips, mustache and fingers. But you wanted him to fill you up. 

"Bradley," you whispered, trying to figure out if he'd fallen back to sleep again behind you, but when he grunted your first name, you moaned. He bucked against you even though you knew he was trying not to. "My doctor said it's okay now."

His rough thumb was stroking your nipple as he rasped, "I know, but maybe we shouldn't risk it. I can wait until after the baby is born."

An absolutely scandalized noise escaped you. "I love you for that, Daddy, I really do, but I don't think I can make it five more months."

"I'll go down on you," he said, letting his hand skim along your growing belly until he was cupping your pussy. "Happily." But you were pinned between his rock hard cock and his hand, and you knew exactly what you needed.

"I want your cock," you demanded. "It's perfectly safe for the baby now that my uterus is fixed up. And I want it."

Rarely did you ever tell him that you wanted something, and you almost never whined, but the combination of the two seemed to set him off a little bit. He was twitching and pulsing against your leg, and you felt him reach down to free himself from the confines of his underwear. Skin on skin was enough to make you whine his name a little louder. When you eased your leg up and back over his hip, you could feel the tip of him rubbing against your wet pussy.

"Take me just like this. Nice and slow from behind," you whispered, and his only response was a long string of obscenities as he pushed his cock just an inch or so inside you. 

"Baby," he ground out as his hand squeezed your hip. "Slow. Real slow. I don't want to hurt either of you."

You gasped, "You won't," as he slid himself deeper and deeper before eventually bottoming out with his hips pressed to your butt. "Oh god, you feel so good."

Bradley kept himself still, just like that, barely moving but filling you up regardless. "Shit," he whimpered next to your ear. "Fuck, it's been months." His voice was so rough, and his hot breath left goosebumps trailing down you back and arm. When you wiggled back against him, he grunted. "I'm not gonna last."

"I don't care," you told him, guiding his rough fingers to your clit and enjoying every sensation his body gave you. He smelled good, and he was warm and strong and big. Big everywhere. His lips found the spot right behind your ear, and he sucked gently. Your nipples were tender peaks, and your belly was just starting to show proof of your pregnancy. There was evidence of those days of rough sex from the summer all over your body, but right now he was gentler than ever.

"Am I hurting you?" he whispered before taking your earlobe between his lips. His thrusts were smooth and languid, and you could feel every bit of him.

"No. You're perfect." That had his fingers working a little more frantically on your clit, but he kept the same pace with his thrusts. Slow and steady and never rough. 

But he got you there. "Baby," he whined, punching and plucking until you were sure your clit was a tight little ball of nerves against his fingertips. You started to squeeze around him, and he held still, more filthy cursing filling your ears as he spilled his cum inside you.

"Oh. Daddy," you moaned softly as you came in his embrace with his body pressed to your back. You couldn't stop yourself from bumping back against him as you fucked yourself gently along his cock, enjoying every little tremor and tremble.

"Tell me I didn't hurt you," he whispered, easing his wet fingers up along your belly, cupping where you imagined the baby was right now. "Please."

You turned to look at his earnest eyes over your shoulder and said, "You didn't hurt me."

"I love you, Princess." A series of soft knocks made you jump in his arms, and Bradley groaned as the knocking continued. He was still inside you as he said, "That's gotta be Noah."

You realized there was a door conjoining the next room with yours, and you could hear Noah's little voice calling out. "Daddy? Mommy? I want to meet Mickey Mouse."

With one more kiss to your shoulder, Bradley withdrew himself from your body, inspected his cock and then pulled his underwear back up. "Go make sure you're okay," he commanded as he stood. "I'll take care of Noah."

Carefully, still blissfully aware of the way that orgasm left your skin tingling, you made your way into the bathroom as Bradley's cum dribbled down your inner thighs. You cleaned yourself up, and there was no sign of blood at all. You took a quick shower, and you felt amazing. When you eventually emerged from the bathroom all wrapped up in your towel, you found your boys both dressed and ready to go and sitting on the edge of the unused bed.

"Mommy," Noah whined. "I'm hungry and I want to meet Mickey Mouse."

You bent and kissed his soft curls as you said, "Well take care of both of those things for you. Promise."

----------------------------

Disneyland was simultaneously the most wonderful and most anxiety inducing place Bradley had ever been. The look on Noah's face as the four of you explored the parks together made Bradley smile, but every time you started to look tired, he wasn't sure it was worth it. But then you'd smile at him, too. He'd give you anything you wanted.

"Are you okay?" he asked, collecting you in his arms as Nat rode the teacups with Noah for the third time in a row. "You sure I didn't hurt you this morning?"

A little smile curled along your glossy lips before you kissed him softly. Then you kissed him again and again. It was bad enough that you looked so much younger than him; he got a few raised eyebrows here and there. But then you always called him Daddy with absolutely no shame whatsoever. It always got under his skin and made him run a little hot, but now you had your belly pressed against him as you kissed your way back close to his ear.

"Daddy," you crooned. "You didn't hurt me one bit. You gave me exactly what I needed. Your big cock."

"Baby," he whispered, squeezing your hips in warning. "Don't get us kicked out of the happiest place on Earth."

You laughed and wrapped your arms around his neck. "You know what would make it even happier?"

"Don't say it," he rasped, shaking his head as you looked up at him. "I'm begging."

You just smirked. "Sneaking off to that family bathroom..."

Bradley tipped his head back and groaned while you giggled. "You said it."

Finally having sex again in the hotel room this morning before Noah practically kicked down the door in search of breakfast seemed to make you extra clingy. Not that Bradley minded one bit. He didn't. He loved it. But you had been alone when you had to go to the emergency room last month, and he was still on edge about everything that happened when he was in Japan. 

When you started tugging on his arm, he shook his head again. "No. Not here. Only where I can be as gentle with you as possible."

Then you were in his arms again telling him how sweet he was, and Bradley was just a lost cause. 

"I'm tapping out," Nat announced as she and Noah walked over hand in hand. "That ride is okay the first two times, but after that, it's evil."

"I loved it!" Noah announced as Bradley picked him up. 

"Of course you did," he said, kissing his son's cheek. "What do you want to do now? Another ride? Get a snack?"

"Meet Mickey Mouse!"

Bradley groaned for an entirely different reason. The line to meet the characters was pretty long, but you'd insisted on buying something called an autograph book, so he said, "Sure, Bub. We can go meet the main mouse."

Bradley held hands with both you and Noah while Nat led the way, talking with her hands and bouncing like she was Tigger to make Noah giggle. Bradley was right, the line was long, but it was worth it. Noah didn't complain about how much time it was taking, but he did ask you to pick him up over and over again.

"Let me hold you," Nat offered, but Noah kept reaching for you instead. When Bradley told him he was too heavy, tears filled his eyes and his face scrunched up.

"Sweet Noah," you whispered, kissing his cheek and kind of cuddling up with him while he was in Bradley's arms. "Don't cry. I'm right here. I'm just not allowed to lift things like big, growing boys who love dinosaurs and coloring books, okay?" You wiped at his tears with your thumbs, and Bradley was once again mesmerized by you. "That's better," you told him. "I don't want you to cry right before we get to meet Mickey Mouse."

Noah sniffled and nodded, and you didn't move away from his as the line moved up. "You're amazing," Bradley whispered. "Mommy of the year."

"There he is!" Nat gasped, perhaps more excited than all of the kids in the line put together. "Mickey! And I'm not talking about Fanboy!"

Bradley chuckled as the Mouse beckoned them forward to take photos. 

------------------------

"How about we ride something else?" Bradley asked, but you watched Noah tug him back toward It's a Small World. 

"This is my favorite!"

"Noah," he laughed, "you've said that about every single ride all day long."

"No, this one," Noah insisted.

"Just one more time?" you asked, also tugging on Bradley.

"We've been on it seven times in a row," he insisted, shaking his head.

"Six times," Nat replied, pushing him from behind. 

"Natasha, the song is going to kill me," he said, taking a few steps toward the line queue again. "I'll never be able to get it out of my head."

But the three of you won, of course. Because he was willing to do anything that you and Noah wanted. And that included riding a boat past legions of slightly creepy, singing, animatronic children. "You'll be fine," you insisted, rubbing his abs. "After this, we'll feed you dinner."

"You better," he mumbled, winking at you. "And I need more Mickey shaped snacks, too."

To your delight and Noah's, Bradley willingly rode It's a Small World three more times and sang the song nearly the whole time. "I'm going to annoy you with this forever," he whispered in your ear as the little boat sailed along. 

You looked up at him and said, "Please do. That means you'll be around forever."

His eyes widened in soft surprise. "I'm not going anywhere." You felt his thumb run across your engagement ring where he was holding your hand in his lap. "Just a couple more weeks and we'll be married."

The fact that he was taking care of most of the planning without showing any signs of stress was amazing to you. As the song played on repeat and the dancing animatronics spun around, you tapped your foot. "You really want to get married so soon?" you asked him. 

"Hell yes. I already told you I did."

"Even if it's just a backyard wedding?"

Bradley gave you all of his focus like you were the only thing in his world when he said, "All we really need is both of us and Noah for it to be perfect."

"Technically we also need Natasha," you added, and he rolled his eyes.

"Fine. We also need Natasha. But that's only because she got ordained online. Other than that, I don't really care about the details too much. I just want to see you in a wedding dress."

You bit your lip and moaned. "Nothing fits me great right now. And I feel like my belly is really going to pop out one day soon."

"I can't wait," he grunted, making you shiver at the tone of his voice. "Jesus, I hope your belly gets bigger in the next three weeks."

His lips found your neck, and this time you were the one who had to remind him that you were very much in the middle of Disneyland sharing a seat in the boat with Nat and Noah. But now you had a better idea of what kind of dress you should get; you'd been holding off, hoping to figure out how to get one that would still fit for the big day. 

"So you want to be able to see the bump in the wedding photos?"

"Princess," he grunted. "God, yes. But don't you dare make me hard on It's a Small World."

You were still laughing as the boat floated up to the exit and you climbed out.

-----------------------

"Stop," you and Nat whined in unison as Bradley started singing the Small World song again on the drive back to San Diego on Sunday. But he just smiled and finished, dodging away from your hand as you tried to cover his mouth from the passenger seat. This time, he saw you and Nat playing rock, paper, scissors to see who got to sit in the back with Noah. Your rock lost to her paper, so you were in the front with him. 

"This is your punishment for being mean," he said as Noah napped. "And I'm talking to both of you."

"I'm just happy that you loved Disneyland," you said over his singing. You were looking at wedding dresses on your phone and holding the selections up for Nat to look at. Bradley had to fight to keep his eyes on the road instead of the screen, but he honestly did want to be surprised. 

"Hey, what am I supposed to wear?" he asked, realizing that you'd seen him in most of his nicer clothes when he was leaving you at home with Noah to go on app dates. He'd have to buy something new, something just for you. Something to make the day special.

"Doesn't matter," Nat said followed by a low whistle as she held your phone. "Nobody will even notice you if your wife is wearing this dress. Holy shit."

Bradley glanced in the rear view mirror to make sure Noah was still asleep. "It's that good?" he asked as you looked a little bashful next to him. "Buy it. Put it on your princess card."

"It has two-day shipping," Nat said. "If you don't like it, we can go out and look at some other options on Wednesday after work."

"I don't know..." you said, hesitating as you took your phone back and looked at whichever dress Nat thought was perfect. 

"Buy it, Baby, or I won't shut up for the next hour." Bradley cleared his throat and started singing, "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of hopes, and a world of fears."

"Fine!" you said, scrambling with your phone as Nat covered her ears. "I'm buying it!"

Bradley smiled at the road before him and muttered, "Gotta love Disney."

-----------------------

If you have Princess wedding dress inspo (that will show off her little bump just like Bradley is hoping) please send it to me! I'm thinking we will end up with 62 parts for this story, which is absolutely wild to me. Thanks for reading! Thanks @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 59

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[loaksky]

i don’t celebrate thanksgiving, but could you guys imagine college!ellie taking roommate!reader home to jackson because she’d be alone for the holiday? short lil oneshot to get back into the groove of writing. do i hate this? yes.

recommended songs: alabama haint — penny and sparrow + what once was — her’s

warnings: language, a few brief mentions of family issues, suggestive content (kissing among other things) + mild sexual content, a lil misunderstanding and angst bc who am i if i don’t ??, CONFESSIONS because i’m a sloot for them. i think that’s it? not proofread ofc heh

it’s the weekend before thanksgiving, sunday to be exact, and ellie’s packing her backpack for joel’s. the energy in the the room’s a little off despite the fact that you’re normally reserved, and even though the two of you have only met this year, ellie’s learned to read you pretty well.

“you goin’ home for thanksgiving?” ellie asks absently, trying to make small talk as she rolls a sleep shirt and some pajamas haphazardly to stuff at the top of her bag.

there’s a pause that makes her brain itch before she sees the way you shake your head from where you’re hunched over a textbook at your desk.

“my family’s all over the place right now,” you answer honestly.

and ellie doesn’t know if you mean that figuratively or literally, but the lack of emotion in your voice tells her that maybe she shouldn’t pry. she can’t help it, though. because you’re her sweet and quiet roommate who’d been serious (and maybe a little scary) at first, but turned out to be a goofball with a little bit of prodding.

so seeing you like this, checked out and maybe a little stressed, ellie treads cautiously.

“so you’re gonna stay here?” she asks.

you don’t even spare her a glance.

“yeah.” your shoulders shrug. “no point in dropping so much money for a plane ticket if i’m going to be sitting home alone anyways.”

ellie makes a noise in the back of her throat and you throw look over your shoulder.

“sorry,” you offer softly, smile sheepish. “that was a little depressing.”

ellie shakes her head.

“no, i get it,” she assures you. “my family’s not really...”

you blink at her as she trails off.

“conventional? i guess?”

another quiet blankets the two of you and ellie’s speaking before she can even filter through the repercussions of her next words.

“you’re always welcome to...y’know...come with,” she says, scratching the back of her neck. “it’s not even a two hour drive.”

you hope ellie can’t tell that your cheeks are burning.

“you don’t have to, of course,” ellie blabbers. “but joel’s cool, so’s my uncle and his wife. it’d be nice, i think. and jackson’s pretty fun around this time of year...”

“i don’t wanna imp—”

ellie breathes a laugh.

“don’t,” she warns you, tips of her ears burning. “you’re more than welcome, seriously.”

it’s how you end up in the passenger seat of ellie’s old 4runner, heater on blast while sublime plays on the radio.

the car ride had consisted of ellie munching on cold fries the two of you had picked up from mcdonald’s before the interstate and you finally opening up about how your parents are divorced and how the holidays are a lot more stressful than they are pleasant.

ellie really feels for you, definitely knows the feeling losing her mom at a pretty young age and being adopted in middle school by a single, bereaved father. she tells you that they’d found each other when they needed the other the most.

and you don’t particularly know why you’re so nervous when ellie finally takes the exit off the interstate and you guys make your way through the suburbs. perhaps it’s the domesticity of meeting her family, or that you’re over a hundred miles away from familiarity, but your fingers are trembling when she turns into the neighbourhood and cozy brick homes line the frost-laden streets.

she’s pulling up and parking on the curb in front of a warm two-story that has a blue pickup truck and a gold SUV in the driveway when she notices.

“hey, hey,” she whispers, noticing the way you’re wringing your hands to stop the shaking. “you okay?”

her hands are warm when they close over yours and her thumbs is brushing over your skin soothingly.

“i’m being dumb,” you admit.

ellie’s eyes are crystal clear under the setting sun.

“don’t say that,” she says softly. “you wanna take a second?”

you swallow and shake your head.

“no, we can go,” you assure her.

she’s searching your face for any tell, but when you offer her a soft smile, she’s leaning back in her seat and nodding. before she completely pulls away, you’re stopping her.

“thanks, ellie,” you say gently. “this was really kind of you.”

she flashes you an easy smile, squeezes your hand a final time before climbing out of the car and rounding the front to help you out.

and truthfully, you realize you were nervous for nothing. because when the door swings open to reveal an older man aged with smile lines and greying hair, ellie seemingly softens infinitely.

“hey, kiddo,” he greets, crushing her in a hug so tight, she’s spluttering out a laugh.

“joel, i can’t breathe,” she wheezes.

you’re standing there awkwardly, backpack slung over your shoulder when joel finally loosens his hold on ellie and glances over her head.

“who’s this?” he asks, but the smile he wears is knowing.

“________, my roommate,” she introduces quickly, cheeks warming an awful shade of red as she begs every force above that joel won’t blow her cover.

because, okay, maybe ellie’s talked about you on the phone way more times than she’d care to admit out loud. talked about how intimidating you were at first, then graduated to talking about how you were actually so cool. and maybe she’d brought up the fact that she thought you were pretty. like...super pretty. and that maybe she was crushing a teensy bit.

“nice to meet you,” joel replies simply, sparing ellie this time around.

you let go of the breath you hadn’t realized you were holding onto, offering a smile that makes ellie wonder if she’ll survive the week with you in such a new proximity.

“nice to meet you, too,” you almost whisper, relaxing as he reaches for the backpack slung over your shoulder.

“here, let me take this for you,” he says.

and it doesn’t take you long to realize where ellie gets it from. her kind spirit and fierce yet gentle heart. joel is soft-spoken, a little rough around the edges, but a warm energy that radiates through the home he’s made for himself and ellie.

it makes infinitely more sense enter tommy and maria, her uncle and aunt who tell you the silliest stories about the starry-eyed girl in her youth over dinner. who bring out her boisterous laughter when they sing old 80’s music over dishes and evening TV.

“your family’s so cool,” you say in awe, wrapped in one of her coats she’d dug out of the closet under the stairs.

you’re nursing a mug of hot chocolate that steams in the icy air of jackson on her back porch.

ellie breathes out a little laugh.

“they’re something,” she jokes, watching you over the rim of her mug.

you make her heart thud hard in her chest as she takes you in, bundled in pieces of her that make her think that she wouldn’t mind making you hers.

“i miss times like these,” you whisper.

ellie shifts closer, catching you by surprise when her thumb swipes over the curve of your top lip.

“sorry,” she hums quietly. “you had...uh...”

you let out a hollow laugh and shake your head, tell her that it’s fine as a silence blankets the two of you.

“i’m glad you like them,” ellie admits softly. “sometimes i get a little self-conscious because, y’know, everyone expects a nuclear family and...”

“i’d take this any day,” you assure her, and the true implication of your words is latent, but something hopeful pricks her tummy.

i’d take this any day...with you.

and locking eyes with you usually scares her, usually makes her queasy with nerves because there’s always something searing in your gaze, but it’s like you see each other for the first time, no barriers.

ellie’s so close she can feel the warmth of your body coiling and drawing her in. her breath’s caught in her throat as she chances a glance at your mouth and her own lips begin to tingle.

she’s on the brink of asking if she can kiss you, but the back door is sliding open and two familiar faces are surfacing.

“williams!”

ellie’s daze melts away as she shifts to put distance between the two of you at the arrival of her friends.

“jess!” she calls. “dina!”

the moment clings heavy, but ellie writes it off. maybe she’s jumping the gun, reading too much into tender moments. it’s colored on your face, though, as she stands to meet her friends halfway, that the two of you are tethered and you feel it too.

ellie’s friends are another reflection of her character. they take you under their wings in the days leading up to the holiday with jesse teaching you to ride his minibike and dina telling you stories of their childhood while excitedly painting your nails pretty shades of autumnal colors because both jesse and ellie vehemently decline.

joel graciously relinquishes his kitchen to the four of you the day before thanksgiving. lets you guys gather around and bake an array of different desserts for tomorrow’s dinner over a few beers and winecoolers.

perhaps ellie’s a lightweight, you come to find, when she’s a lot more giggly and rosy-cheeked than she’d ever let anyone see. she’s feeling a little bubbly and you definitely don’t help the fact when you gaze upon her so fondly as you smear away the streaks of flour across her cheek.

jesse and dina are merely observers, watching with knowing grins as ellie practically melts against your touch.

and as the desserts cool on the kitchen island and the two of see jesse and dina out, ellie can’t keep her hazy eyes off of you. the two of you vote on a movie and she’s taking her usual seat in the right corner of the couch. it starts out with the two of you on opposite ends, but as the film plays, the space between you and ellie diminishes and she swears you can hear the way her heart’s pounding behind her ribcage with your ear pressed to her chest.

it’s uncharted territory considering ellie’s never been big on physical touch and she can’t even be sure that there's anything there, but you have to know. ellie’d mentioned past girlfriends, wasn’t really subtle when it came to wandering eyes on campus, hell, she’d even—

suddenly your arm’s tightening around the narrow of her waist and you’re nestling impossibly closer and christ, ellie can’t help herself when the coarse pads of her fingertips brush your jaw to catch your attention.

your gaze is illuminated by pixels and there’s a hitch in your breathing as you search her features for any hesitation. it’s long gone, you find, when ellie’s mouth is slotting yours, lips warm and tongue still flavored with sparkling wine.

ellie kisses like you’re air and she needs you to breathe. it’s almost embarrassing, way her body reacts to your proximity, how hot she us under the collar and achey as you move to straddle her. her fingertips are skimming down your spine, past the small of your back to take a—

your teeth sinking in the plump of her bottom lip and the way your soft palms find purchase against the rigid expanse of her tattooed abdomen is sobering. has her bony fingers cupping the flesh of your jaw.

“wait, wait,” she whispers, chest heaving and breaths shallow as she looks up at you.

the dust is starting to settle and you take in ellie’s kiss-bitten lips, swollen and slick. her pupils are blown wide, sweater riding up to reveal reddened flesh like you’ve branded her. you lean back.

“fuck,” you whisper. “fuck, i’m so sorry.”

ellie’s mouth is drying.

“why are you sorry?” she whispers.

you seem to chew on your words, eyes teary and expression scared.

“why are you sorry?” ellie repeats, not caring enough to mask the hitch in her voice as she pries.

“you’re always so fucking good to me, ellie,” you whimper. “you’re a great roommate and an even better friend and—”

ellie blows out a deep sigh, falls slack against the cushions as she levels you with an indiscernible look in her eye.

“don’t do that,” she breathes.

“ellie.”

“c’mon, you know me better than that,” she says, tone tinged with annoyance. “you don’t have to let me down easy. you can be honest.”

and color you confused because how couldn’t she fathom that you’ve fallen and head first at that? she’s reading it all wrong, you realize, when defeat shutters over her pretty face.

“i—”

the floorboards outside the den creak and ellie’s pushing you off just as the door squeaks open to reveal joel’s aging face.

he reads the room a moment, decides to blow by the sheen in your eyes and ellie’s rigid posture.

“tommy and maria are leaving, kiddo,” he says. “if you wanna say bye.”

ellie nods, stands and leaves you in the television-illuminated room.

you realize she won’t come back for you when the telltale sound of the front door closes and the stairs seem to groan under her weight.

it’s half past two in the morning when you slip from the den, glass of water condensating on a coaster as you try to collect yourself on the screened-in deck out back.

the icy chill stings your lungs, makes you gulp in breath after breath. the night’s starting to dawn you, the gravity of the situation overwhelming you enough to choke.

“fuck,” you whisper, that familiar feeling of dread squeezing your chest.

meanwhile, ellie can’t sleep. has been staring at the ceiling of her childhood bedroom for the past two and a half hours. you’re all she can think of. pliant curves of your body settling over hers to fit like you two were made for each other, the smell of your subtle perfume, the taste of your mouth.

and she wants to be annoyed, angry at the fact, but she’d brought you all the way here, extricated you from your comfort zone and showed you parts of her she wouldn’t dream of revealing to anyone else.

she recalls the resignation in your tone on the drive up, how you’d divulged the dysfunction of your family and the troubles you carried with you as a result. it’d be your first holiday with someone other than yourself for a while and she’d be damned if it soured because she couldn’t push her feelings aside.

the tv’s off and the blanket’s folded when she musters up enough courage to enter the den again, heart sinking to her ass when she slides back into the kitchen and finds that the sliding door to the back deck is cracked ever so slightly.

she’s seen you in a lot of ways these past eleven-odd months she’s known you, but she’s never seen you like this, hands over your heart and chest heaving like you’re trying to ground yourself.

when your watery gaze swings to her, ellie’s melting, cushion sinking as she settles next to you.

“sorry,” you whisper shakily. “i don’t—”

ellie’s shifting to face you, arms winding around your shoulders as one hand comes up to cradle the back of your head.

“let’s talk about it later,” ellie offers softly. “we can just go to bed for now and—”

“i really, really like you, ellie,” you say in one breath, and it has her body locking up, the audible catch of her inhale sounding near your ear.

“but?”

“no buts,” you admit. “just that i don’t want you to think that i kissed you because you’re being nice to me. well, i guess you’re always nice to me. it’s one of the reasons why i…”

and ellie doesn’t mean to tune you out, but you’re so fucking cute and so sweet and she shouldn’t have doubted you or herself because you’re hiccuping and shivering and—

you taste better the second time around. now ellie’s a little less unsure, still a little nervous because you’re the first girl to make her feel like this and she doesn’t want the bubble she’s built around the two of you in this corner of her little world to burst, but kissing you feels so right.

she’s dragging you back inside, past the den and up the stairs, and maybe the two of you do things you shouldn’t in her twin size bed in her childhood room when her dad’s only a few walls away, but she can’t help herself. not when you’ve always been an arm’s length away and she can finally have you.

it isn’t until the two of you lay under the dim glimmer of the glow-in-the dark stars pasted to her ceiling, her face pressed in your neck, that she says it.

“i really, really like you, too,” she whispers. “i realized i didn’t say it back.”

but it’s not like she needs to. you knew that already.

neng ©️2023

[samthestrangerthingsfan]

Out of The Woods

pairing: Eddie Munson x Reader

summary: Hawkins is home once again, and you're determined to keep your peace. The past comes calling.

chapter warnings: slow burn, motherhood, swearing, childhood trauma, fluff, sweet sweet memories and friends bonding again. <3

a/n: I don't want to give spoilers, but we may or may not have a run-in with a certain metal head in this chapter! :O (just a taste, a lil treat bc you've all been so good.)

chapter 3: Silver Springs || series masterlist

NOVEMBER 4th, 1983

Friday was the best day of the week.

Sure, weekends are great, but Friday night meant movie night at the Munson’s.

“You better not make her watching nothin’ scary, Edward.” Wayne huffed, grabbing his choice of cap from the wall, as well as big winter coat.

Eddie’s hand flew over his heart. “I would never! Not so close to the holidays!”

You threw a piece of popcorn at his head as the laughter bubbled from your chest. “Holidays? It’s not even Thanksgiving!” Eddie motions for you to keep throwing so he can catch one in his mouth. You oblige, but not without a protest of your own. “I would like—no, I demand a comedy.”

Eddie bowed to you, peering up and showing off the piece of popcorn he’d caught at the last second “What m’lady wants, she shall receive.”

The trailer door blew out of Wayne’s grip as he opened it, “Christ, it’s freezin’! Turn the heat on, boy. Your date is gonna freeze to death.”

Eddie gives you a knowing look. There’s no point, his eyes send the message loud and clear. The two of you have told Wayne dozens of times that you weren’t on dates, you were just best friends hanging out.

He didn’t buy it.

“Why does she get the heat? Pretty sure I got frost bite when I got outta the shower today.”

“Because,” Wayne slid his hands into a pair of work gloves as he walked toward you. “I like her and I want her to keep comin’ around.” He bent down, and kissed the crown of your head.

You protested, “I don’t wanna bug you—“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Eddie teased. “Ya know you say that a lot?”

“It’s the truth!”

“You could never bug me—ever. Even if you could, who cares? Not like it’s a bad, it’s a good bug you reserve just for me; my bug.”

Your eyes seemed to roll of their own free will, “Eddie.”

He dropped down next to you, putting a hand on your upper thigh as he offered you a twizzler. “Yes, Bug?”

Neither of you had noticed when exactly Wayne slipped out.

You’d compromised that night. Ghostbusters, a little something for the both of you.

About 30 minutes in, Eddie looked at you. He took in how you laughed at something Bill Murray said, how the sound bubbling from your chest made your nose crinkle.

God, he could listen to that sound all day.

When you turned to him, he panicked. Standing quickly, “Uh, shit…here,” he said, not knowing where the hell he was going with the sentence.

Eddie looked around for a moment, what felt like an hour for him was surely only a few seconds. He ended up grabbing Wayne’s old Polaroid camera from the shelf. “C’mon, we gotta take a picture.”

You smiled through your confusion, “Why?”

Eddie shrugged, “Because we never do! And I wanna remember this even when we’re so old we can’t remember our own names.”

“You want to remember a randoms Friday night?”

He nodded. “If it’s a Friday night with you? Always.”

The whirr and click of the camera went off before you knew what was happening. “Eddie, I wasn’t ready! I’m gonna look like a fucking Goblin!”

The timber of his laugh made your heart race. Eddie pulled the film from its slot beneath the lens. “Don’t sell yourself short, Bug. Troll maybe, but never a Goblin.”

You elbowed his ribs at the exact moment he connected with the couch.

“Oof.” He laughed. “C’mon, smile?”

“Fine.”

Eddie put his arm around you, pulling you in close. A second later, the flash blinded you both, leaving you dazed and giggly for the next minute.

You held out your hand, and gestured to where the photo of the two of you was laid out to develop. “Let’s see it then.” You demanded.

Eddie pulled it off the coffee table, looking at it before he handed it to you.

He wasn’t looking at the camera, no. His eyes were on you, and he was smiling harder than he’d thought was possible.

He saw how you were leaned into him, your hand holding his as it draped over your shoulder, the light behind your eyes, the smile he couldn’t get enough of.

Eddie felt it then.

So immediate and sudden it felt like his heart got struck by lightning, and it was then that he realized two things:

That this feeling, whatever it was, couldn’t possibly end well.

And two?

He is so fucked.

It became easier to breathe.

You hadn’t realized just how suffocating life here had become. To be back in Hawkins and still feel like you were hiding and alone. Though now, and in the weeks since you’re run-in with Robin and Steve, it all got a bit brighter and a little less heavy.

Steve was committed to putting the past behind you, a sentiment he all but drilled into your head the first night he visited Maggie and you at the house.

“You did what you thought you needed to do to make it. You’re back now, though. Let us be there for you.”

He also became Maggie’s own personal jungle gym. Whenever they watched a movie or had a snack together, your daughter could be found on top of him in some way. They especially enjoyed watching cartoons on Saturdays; Maggie perched on top of Uncle Cheeseball’s shoulders, because according to her it was the ‘best seat in the house.’

Robin couldn’t be deterred either.

She’s over at least three nights a week now, and Maggie is obsessed—like, seriously obsessed. It’s the sort of bond you watch from afar and admire, the way your friend opened her heart to your daughter. How she’s protected her innocence and encouraged her silliness.

Kids aren’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea. They’re loud and messy and demanding in a totally innocent way. They require you to think before you act and never put yourself first. It’s why any dates you’d been on over the years hadn’t worked out, most people disappeared after they learned of her. Not that you cared, Maggie was number one in your life, and you were damn proud of that.

But now here you are, the life you had been convinced you’d never have was happening before your eyes.

“And ya know what else, Miss M? Your Mom fell right on her butt and slid all the way down the hill!”

Maggie’s laughter echoed off the your living room walls.

“Hey! It was December and Hillcrest is notoriously icy when it snows!” You feigned insult, and tickled Maggie as her laughter multiplied.

“Mom! That’s so silly! How'd you stop sliding?” She questioned.

Robin’s eyebrow quirked up, “Yeah, how did you stop sliding?”

You sighed, embarrassment painting your face. “Steve—Uncle Cheeseball had to catch me.”

The two of them howled with laughter, “Yeah-yeah, laugh it up. I don’t like this, you’re in…cahoots!”

“Excuse me!” Robin objected. “I am a responsible adult!”

Maggie stood with her hands on her hips. “Yeah! Me too!”

You leaned down, kissing her forehead. “Alright, well, it’s bedtime for all adults and former children.”

Maggie whined, but let out a yawn mid-grumble.

“See? Proof.” You booped her nose. “Go on, you have school tomorrow. Teeth, pjs, bed, okay?”

Maggie hugged you, “Okay, Mama. Goodnight, Robby! I’ll see you on Friday for pizzas!”

She ran the few feet to your friend, and squeezed her. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, kiddo.”

Maggie, by the grace of God, listened. She was so worn out from laughing and dancing and playing with Robin that she crashed as soon as her little head hit the pillow.

“Want me to take the trash out on my way?” Robin asked, hands full of the nonsense she’d brought along with her.

“Is there a 3rd hand in there I don’t know about?” You nodded towards her, “No, Robs. I got it, I just gotta do the dishes first.”

Robin smiled behind you, relishing in the gratitude she felt having you back. “I-I’m so proud of you.” It was a near whisper, and when you turned to your friend, she had tears in her eyes.

“Maggie is…she’s so cool! And you’re obviously an incredible Mom. I’m just, I’m sorry you felt like you had to stay away.”

Your own eyes burned at that. You walked to Robin and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry too, I’m sorry I didn’t call, or write…I just didn’t know how to—to be here.”

She nodded into your embrace, adjusting the items she cradled. “Well, you’re here now. Anything you need, say the word and I’ll be here, Steve too.”

You pulled away, “I know.”

Robin grabbed her keys with the few fingers she had free. “I don’t mean to ruin the beautiful moment of love and friendship, but have you thought about...him? About what’ll happen if you see him again? I mean, Hawkins isn’t exactly a big town.” She avoided using his name, and that didn’t go unnoticed.

It’s all I think about.

Fingers toyed with the hair tie around your wrist, “I wouldn’t even know…” your voice faded out. “I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it, I’ve been here for a while already, and haven’t even heard anyone mention his name.”

That was true.

Everyone used to talk about Eddie Munson. The troublemaker, the cult leader, the devil-worshipping freak. The boy who was corrupting you, and ruining your future.

These backwoods hicks had no idea just how good he was back then. How kind and gentle and full of courage he was. You couldn’t understand why they hated him, not when you found it so easy to love him.

“I didn’t wanna upset you—“

“You didn’t,” you’re quick to reassure her, “it’s a logical question, and sure, maybe I’m avoiding the subject, but I appreciate you looking out for me all the same.”

Robin shrugged as if it was the most simple thought in the world, “Always.”

She left after an additional 5 minutes of arguing about helping you clean, to which you would not allow.

Cleaning up after a long day, while exhausting, was your only time to yourself. It was the one part of the day Maggie wasn’t asking something of you or looking for something or covered in something sticky.

Why is it always something sticky?

The dishes were done, and the counters were clean. You plopped on the couch, and turned on whatever the tv was playing at this hour and had just begun to fold the laundry, when the stink of the trash left by the door nearly had you retching.

“Nope, not waiting til morning…”

“Steve, Steve…” Eddie laughed.

The boy threw his hands up in frustration. “Eddie, I’m serious!”

Eddie slapped his friends shoulder. “I appreciate the worrying, pal. I’m fine, I had one beer let’s see…” the metal head looked at his watch, “an hour and a half ago. Why the sudden concern about my health and safety, hm?”

Steve blanched at the question, stumbling over his words. “T-There was an accident tonight! Drunk driver hit the pole on Cornwallis. Cops everywhere, ya know?”

Steve knew exactly why the thought of Eddie getting hurt or worse was suddenly a new phobia he developed. He had just hoped he’d hide it better than this.

Eddie sighed, “Great,” and stood, grabbing his keys out of his pocket, “back roads it is, gonna take me 20 minutes to get home now.”

Steve stood too, causing Eddie to glance back. He pinched his friend’s cheek, “Would you feel better if I called you when I got home, Stevie?” Eddie mocked, pouting his lip.

Steve pushed him away, “Shut up, man. Fine, that’s the last time I give a shit about my friends.”

Eddie laughed, “Nah, I appreciate it, Harrington. I’ll see ya on Friday right? Still looking your car over at the shop?”

“Yeah, yeah. See ya Friday.”

Eddie left Steve’s apartment smiling to himself.

What a good dude.

By the time he hit Cornwallis, the detour was worse than expected. It took him down several back roads and side streets Eddie is usually able to avoid all together.

Not to mention Forest Hills trailer park is on the opposite side of town from Harrington’s place. Eddie is usually able to zip down Main Street to save some time, but with Cornwallis a no-go, it was an addition pain in the ass to avoid the one-ways.

“Oh come on.” He griped. The car in front of him was going what seemed like negative miles an hour. He whipped the wheel to the left, evading the current route and instead, opting for an old way he remembered like the back of his hand.

Even in the dark.

It was eerie. To be on this street that he'd driven hundreds of times, knowing it wasn't leading to you.

He could practically see you, the way you’d sit on the curb until he got there, bag packed with your essentials for a few days. Wanting to get the hell out of this place before your Dad came-too.

The street was dim, lit only by the few flickering street lamps. He attempted to drown out the glimpses of the past, turning up the radio, and blasting Crazy Train so loud it made his windows shake.

Six houses away.

It was a subconscious entity; these memories shouting from the void and demanding to be remembered.

Three…

The porch light to your old house was on. “Huh…weird.” Eddie whispered to himself.

His van was barely at your mailbox when he slammed on his brakes, nearly getting choked by the seatbelt. He skidded to a stop, and killed the music.

Either he’s high as a kite, or it was you. Standing right in front of him as you dragged the trash can to the curb.

He’s hoping it’s the former.

You, rightfully so, looked like a deer in fucking headlights. Jumping back when you heard the screech of his tires.

But you know that van—you’d know it simply by the way it sounded coming down your street or by the shape of the headlights shining through the Hawkins fog.

The rusted hinges groaned when the drivers side door opened. Eddie was moving, but he wasn’t sure why. Not when very fiber of his being was screaming at him to stay in the van—to keep driving. Did he listen?

Of course not.

Eddie Munson says your name so softly and with such disbelief, it almost sounded like fear coating his tongue.

You, unlike the boy—man before you, were frozen.

That was the first thing you’d noticed. Eddie still looked like…Eddie, just a manlier—a more rugged version of the boy you’d loved.

He had five o’clock shadow covering his jaw. Cheekbones that were more defined, the hollows more pronounced. His hair was shorter, shorter than you remember it, anyway and he wore boots—work boots. Gone we’re the torn-up Goodwill sneakers he’d saved up weeks to buy.

He was in a black henley and dark wash jeans, though he still had his signature wallet chain and denim jacket.

Your heart slammed in your chest. Your dinner churned in your belly.

You could go. You could turn around and ignore him, walking back into your home and do exactly what he did to you.

But you wouldn’t, you’re better than that—better than him.

“W-Why…what are you doing here?” He half-mumbled.

“Minding my own business.” The strength in your voice surprised you.

Eddie was quiet, very uncharacteristically so, before he shook his head…presumably in an attempt to sort out his thoughts.

“But you’re, you’re here. You’re in Hawkins.” You could practically see the proverbial egg shells he was walking on.

Was he…afraid of you?

Good. You thought. He should be.

You crossed your arms, “Nothing ever did get past you.”

He was stuck. Quicksand was pulling him down, holding his body tightly and dragging him into the Earth’s core. He couldn’t breathe, he was dying.

At least that’s what it felt like.

Eddie cleared his throat. “How, um, how long—“

“A while.” You interject.

How long had you been here? How long were you staying? It didn’t matter, the answer is the same.

“And you’re staying here.” He nodded to the blue house he’s rescued you from hundreds of times.

“I don’t see how that’s your business.” You we’re cold, colder than he’s ever heard you.

Eddie took you in now. You were the same in every way that mattered. Older, sure…but still you, and for that, Eddie couldn’t be more grateful.

You had new smile lines. Were you happy? He hoped to whatever God was listening that you were.

“It’s not, shit. I—I know it’s not. I just didn’t know—“

A noise from inside the house startled you. Your head whipped around, fast as lighting.

Shit. Maggie.

“You okay?” He asked.

No, no, no.

Ignoring him, you turn and start walking back to the house, when Eddie calls your name again, not daring to move from where he’d planted his feet.

You all but spit at him, “Leave, Eddie. There’s nothing left here for you.”

And you meant it.

When you were safely inside, you check Maggie, who was sound asleep.

The noise must have been the door, or the wind, but it scared to half to death.

He didn’t deserve to know her, and maybe that’s selfish, but you aren’t ready to share your daughter yet.

Not with him.

Who knows, maybe you never will be.

[its-time-to-write]

just a short little Thanksgiving blurb for all my American girlies 🥰🦃

ours

You force yourself back to the present, where your twelve year-old cousin is updating you on the latest middle school drama. 

“…and that’s why boys named Max are a red flag, but dogs named Max are not,” she concludes. 

You giggle and nod appropriately, taking a sip from your drink. The house is filled with the entire family this Thanksgiving and while it’s pleasantly crowded, it still feels like a part of you is missing. 

Your phone is securely in your bag, a tactic to try to keep yourself from replaying highlights from the England match from the previous weekend. Every other WAG got to go support their man, but you were stuck in America with pre-Thanksgiving work. Thanksgiving has only been going on for twenty minutes, and you’re ready to call it and go home. 

International dating is hard.

Your mom can tell, so she’s been giving you tasks to do all day. She must’ve told your grandma or maybe she’s just incredibly observant, because she’s picked up the mantle as well and neither of them give you enough time to be alone with your thoughts. 

It’s nice of them, except now the family’s here and everyone’s asking about your boyfriend. They don’t care that he’s a footballer (in the best way) and they’re all excited for you, but you wish he were here. 

Maybe you can sneak upstairs and call him. 

You do some quick math and realize he should be asleep so you sigh and ask your cousin if she wants to come with you to steal macaroni and cheese. 

She smiles and says, “Yes, duh.”

“It’s going to be tricky,” you warn. “My mom and your mom are going to be on the lookout.”

“I bet Grandpa will sneak us some,” she reminds you. Oh yes, Grandpa would do anything for his granddaughters. 

You grab her hand and weave through aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, cousins and a few other relatives. You’re pretty sure this is the biggest Thanksgiving you’ve ever had. 

You and your cousin successfully get your hands on two bowls of mac and cheese, and slip away to an unoccupied corner to eat it. 

You’re smiling and not thinking about Jamie at all. This is your favorite cousin, the one who’s eleven years younger than you, but you two have been doing dumb shit together since she could talk. 

You’re almost done when someone slides into your space, pressing their arm against yours. Your cousin’s eyes widen as she looks at you and you turn, expecting to see an aunt or god-forbid one of your snitch brothers. 

Instead, you’re met with blue eyes and a familiar smile. 

You choke on your last bite of food as you launch yourself into Jamie’s arms.  

“What are you doing here?” you ask, refusing to let go of him. “You have a match this weekend.”

He shrugs, still smiling. “Ah, you know, gotta be culturally sensitive with my American girlfriend, babe. Milestones and all that.”

You raise an eyebrow. There’s no way Roy let him go with that excuse. 

“Or I might have injured meself at the match last week and am out of training for two weeks,” Jamie says. 

“You’re hurt?” you exclaim. “Why didn’t you call me? Should you have been on a plane? What happened?”

You’ve inadvertently tightened your grip around Jamie’s neck, so he reaches up to remove your hands, still keeping them in his. He lifts them up to his lips to kiss your knuckles. 

“I’m fine. Just my ankle. But I figured, who not come surprise ya?”

“Does my mom know you’re here?”

Jamie’s grin turns cocky. “Called your mum and dad three days ago. I’m staying in their guest room, ain’t I? Got in this morning before you lot showed up.”

Your cousin has been watching this scene a little open-mouthed the whole time. “I wish my boyfriend would do that for me,” she murmurs. 

Your head snaps over to her. “Your what,” you say to her and she holds her hands up defensively. 

“Oh look it’s your English boyfriend who flew all the way to America for Thanksgiving, why don’t you kiss him some more?” she deflects, and Jamie shoots her a wink and tilts your face up for a kiss so your cousin can get away. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” you tell him. “Oh my gosh, we’re going to have the BEST time. Get ready to have your mind blown, little British boy.”

“Anything for you, Miss America,” he teases. “Just don’t make me try those mushroom things I saw, looked fucking awful, that.”

You pull a shocked face. “Oh but it’s tradition. Everyone has to suffer through my uncle Darren’s gross stuffed mushrooms at least once. And since you’re new here…” you trail off. 

Jamie grimaces while you giggle and run a hand through his hair. God, you can’t believe he’s here and while you aren’t thrilled he’s injured, maybe it’s not such a bad thing. 

“C’mon,” you say, tugging him to the kitchen. “I want to go yell at mom and dad for not telling me you were coming.”

[thewintersoldierdisaster]

a/n: this one actively broke my heart while writing it and i hope i did the topic justice. title came from a song on @pyotrkochetkov ‘s barzy playlist and i just knew i had to write something angsty for it. a bunch more happy and smutty long fics and headcanons are coming! seriously, let me know what you thought of this one - much heavier and angstier than i usually write 😬 ignore any inconsistencies, i’m not an expert on this particular medical procedure or professional hockey team travel

word count: 7k

tw: miscarriage, subsequent emotions

summary: on a mini trip to vancouver to watch andrei play, you suffer the worst loss of your life. andrei is your rock throughout the ordeal

Vancouver is a fun city - maybe not as fun as Raleigh or New York, but fun nevertheless - and you’re excited that part of the Canes’ Western road trip fell close to Thanksgiving weekend so you could join in for a bit of it without having to miss too much time at work. Part of your goal this season, your first married to Andrei, is to see him play in every arena. You’ve managed a few of the east coast arenas so far, but this is your first time out west. Nykki joined you too, so it’s like a mini-girls’ trip rolled into a ‘supporting our men’ trip.

The team’s there before you and Nykki get to Vancouver, having already played in Seattle two days before. It’s actually been slightly more than a week since you’ve seen Andrei in person and you miss him a lot. You’ve been with him for four years now, so you’re used to the travel and not seeing him for chunks of time, but this week feels extra hard. Luckily, after this little West Coast swing, Andrei will be home for a good chunk of time - the quirks of the NHL schedule are always insane to you.

You and Nykki get dinner before the game, discussing her wedding plans. It’s scheduled for early August, but time is already flying. You’re a bridesmaid, but you’ve been pushing off picking a dress, knowing that it’s not going to fit you by the time the wedding happens. Your fingers curl carefully against your stomach, hidden by the table and the bulk of your sweater, your little secret.

Butterflies roll in your stomach, excitement mingling with nerves, knowing that you’re going to tell Andrei the news after the game tonight. It’s so early in your marriage, and you’re definitely freaking out a little bit, but the idea of a little baby that looks like Andrei is enough to help the excitement win out.

“Martin wants to do Bali for the honeymoon,” Nykki tells you while you find your way to your seats. You bought tickets for the lower bowl, wanting to be in the middle of the crowd and all the excitement. The Canucks fans are already a little rowdy, with warmups halfway over. There’s a few Canes jerseys smattered through the crowd, but it’s certainly an uneven match.

You sip at your overly large Coke, your stomach turning a little. Dinner isn’t sitting right with you, but it’s manageable for now. “Bali’s nice, I mean, so I’ve heard. But what’s the weather like in August?”

Nykki points at you, her other fingers wrapped around her beer can. “That’s what I said! I thought it would be unbearably hot and humid, but apparently it’s gorgeous - 86 and barely any rain,” she grins. “I promised he could be in charge of the honeymoon, so I think we’re going to Bali.”

“Well,” you smirk back, “there are worse places to spend two weeks with your gorgeous NHL player husband, Nyk.”

She laughs and takes a sip of her beer, eyes twinkling. “You have a point there. How about you and Andrei? What are the big summer vacation plans?”

You pause, thinking of an answer because you’re anticipating having a newborn this summer, so a vacation isn’t likely to happen. Andrei’s been floating the idea of a mini European tour - hitting Rome and Paris for a few days each before heading to Russia for a little bit to visit family. But you haven’t really committed to plans since it’s only November and you have plenty of time. “We haven’t really talked about it,” you answer Nykki truthfully. “Drei’s been focused on the season and I’ve been busy with work. He doesn’t like to plan anything before the end of the regular season anyway.”

“Superstition,” Nykki sing-songs, putting her beer in the cup holder as she stands for the anthems. You get to your feet, pulling off your baseball hat and holding it over your heart, humming along with both anthems. You shift your weight from foot to foot, stretching out your lower back a little.

The puck drops and the game starts - Andrei’s almost immediately put in the penalty box, complaining and shouting at the ref the entire time he skates over. His hands fly in the air as he gestures, but his passion isn’t moving the ref at all and he takes his seat in the box, slumping down. You laugh, shaking your head affectionately. He’s a sweetheart off-ice, but on the ice, Andrei is a borderline criminal. He’s leading the team in penalty minutes and you’ve definitely heard plenty about how he doesn’t deserve it.

The game clock ticks down, Andrei’s released from the box and immediately scores on a breakaway. You and Nykki jump from your seats, screaming and cheering with the Canes up one to nothing. The Vancouver fans around you glare and chirp, but you and Nykki just laugh, giving back as good as you get.

It’s pure fun to be supporting the visiting team and you and Nykki thoroughly enjoy yourselves, dancing to the music and gossiping during TV timeouts and slower moments. Nykki gets another beer and you refill your soda, your stomach still acting up. The popcorn Nykki gets is too salty and you end up joining the crowd when they start throwing their own snacks at the refs. It’s a penalty called on the Canucks, which is good news for you, but the crowds enthusiasm is infectious.

The fans of the Canadian teams are definitely a little more intense and vocal with their displeasure with the refs, you’ve noticed. A particularly obscene chant breaks out when Brady dances around one of the Canucks’ defensemen to set up a powerplay goal for Brent Burns.

You and Nykki throw your arms up and cheer, screaming yourselves silly. Your stomach cramps a little and it puts a damper on the celebration and also serves as a reminder that you really need to see a GI doctor to determine if you’re actually lactose intolerant or if you have a gluten allergy. You grimace and sit back down, clenching your stomach a little, which seems to help. The rest of the second period flies by and the boys are up two to one.

The people around you start to shuffle off to get more food or go to the bathroom, now that the second intermission has started. You finish the rest of your soda and shift in your seat. Nykki looks over at you curiously. “You okay? You seem like you’re kind of uncomfortable,” she says, twisting her hair back into a ponytail.

“I’m fine,” you hum. “My back is killing me though. I must’ve tweaked it on the flight over.”

“You want an Advil?” Nykki’s already shaking around her purse and you can hear things rattling around.

“Let me go refill my drink, pee, and then yeah, I’ll take an Advil,” you reply, holding the reusable cup to your chest and getting out of your seat. Nykki pulls her knees to the side and you scoot past her, stopping when she makes a little noise. “What?”

“Babe, I think you need a tampon too,” she whispers, gesturing to the back of your jeans.

Your eyebrows draw together. You’re not getting your period anymore. “Tamp-?” The word catches in your throat and your eyes go wide. Your mind spins as the pieces start clicking into place and, as if to serve as the final kick in the ass sign, your lower stomach twists unpleasantly with a sharp cramp. Tears fill your eyes and you reach down to grab Nykki’s hand. “Um, surprise, I’m pregnant, but maybe see should go to the hospital or an urgent care?”

Half a dozen emotions cross Nykki’s face before it settles on shock, but all you can focus on now is the persistent cramping in your stomach. The cramping that’s been bothering you all day and you ignored, thinking nothing of it. God, you’re a terrible mother already.

“Okay, okay,” Nykki jumps to her feet, squeezing your fingers and dragging you out of the row and up the stairs to the main concourse. Her other hand is gripping her phone tightly and she’s jabbing at it with her thumb. “I’m calling an Uber. The hospital is like a ten minute drive.”

You nod, feeling numb as Nykki drags you along, your feet stumbling to keep up as you dart around the people waiting in lines for the bathroom and for food. How could your whole night - your whole life - have just taken a complete one-eighty in the matter of minutes. The cold Vancouver air hits your face like a slap, shocking some feeling back into your body. You wish it hadn’t.

The cramping is worse, the feeling between your legs - blood - like free bleeding during your period, but worse, so much worse.

Your stomach lurches and you rip your hand from Nykki’s grasp, bending at the waist and vomiting into a bush next to the entrance to the arena. “Oh, it’s going to be okay. Let it out,” Nykki’s voice is soothing and she rubs a hand in between your shoulder blades while your stomach seizes and you vomit again, spitting into the dirt.

Tears streak down your cheeks and your throat burns now. “I want Andrei,” you whisper, heart clenching with grief.

“Let’s get you to the hospital,” Nykki guides you towards the rideshare pick-up area, where a four-door sedan is already waiting. “I’ll get a hold of him somehow, but let’s take care of you first, okay?”

You let her bundle you into the backseat of the car and swallow back your tears, pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes hard enough to see starbursts. Forcing yourself to take a deep breath, you try to calm down, you don’t know what’s happening for sure. Even though it feels very much like the end of something, you have to find a little piece of hope to keep yourself sane. The driver catches your eye in the rear view mirror as he pulls out of the arena parking lot, his mouth twisted down in a concerned frown even as his eyes are slightly judgmental. He’s driving you from a hockey game to a hospital - god knows what he’s thinking about you.

Nykki squeezes your knee and smiles gently at you, even as she’s typing on her phone with her other hand. “It’s still intermission, no one’s going to have their phone on them, but I’m trying to see if I can get through to one of the trainers or something. Just stay calm and we’ll figure it out,” she’s no-nonsense and you’re so grateful for her taking control of the situation.

Your lower back complains as the driver hits a pothole and another leak of fluid rushes between your legs. The drive is too long and too short all at once and before you know it, you’re being admitted to the Vancouver General Hospital emergency room and deposited on a bed, a curtain drawn around you. A nurse with warm, sympathetic eyes and a kind smile does your intake, her lips twisting to to side as you’re answering her questions.

“I just found out a few days ago,” you whisper, starting your fingers together. “I haven’t even told my husband.”

“Mrs. Svechnikov,” the nurse pats your arm comfortingly, “we really don’t know anything for sure until we get an ultrasound. Try not to put added stress on your body.”

You don’t even bother correcting her about your last name, the Russian name sounding strange in her Canadian accent. Nykki comes behind the curtain, clutching her phone. “There’s about ten minutes left in the third,” she says. “I can’t get ahold of anyone, but I’ll keep trying.”

“We’re going to get an OB down here and check everything out, okay?” The nurse says kindly, but brusquely, and then disappears back into the main emergency room. You roll your neck so your cheek is resting on your shoulder and a few tears leak out of your eyes.

“You didn’t leave any messages or anything for Andrei, right?” You ask. “I don’t want him to see and freak out.”

Nykki brushes your hair off your forehead and shakes her head. “No, I left a few messages for Martin to call me as soon as he could. I figure I’ll get to Andrei that way. Do you need anything?”

“Just Andrei,” you hiccup a sob, pressing a shaking hand to your mouth. Your other hand hovers over your stomach, afraid to touch it. The bleeding hasn’t stopped, so despite what the nurse said, you know it’s a miscarriage. Your stomach rolls and you press your lips together tightly so you don’t vomit.

“I’ll get him here as fast as I can,” Nykki reassures you. While you wait for the OB, she absently braids your hair back from your face, tying it off in an efficient, utilitarian French braid down your back. She talks as she works, trying to distract you, and you’re grateful for her efforts even if they don’t work. All you can think about is the little life that had been growing in you just a few hours ago. Your heart lurches painfully when you realize Andrei’s going to find out about the pregnancy and the loss all at once.

The OB is a middle-aged Black woman with a slight Canadian accent who introduces herself as Doctor Hayes and she doesn’t sugarcoat the news, which you appreciate. “I’m very sorry, Mrs. Svechnikov,” she sighs, looking very much like she hates this part of her job. “But you are actively miscarrying right now. We’re going to admit you overnight for monitoring and will reevaluate in the morning.”

Your entire body goes cold at her words and you grip Nykki’s hand - you hadn’t let her leave your side, terrified to be alone. A cramp rips through your lower body and you bite your lip hard enough to draw blood. “What-“ your voice is hoarse and you clear your throat, trying again, “what, um, are the next steps?”

Doctor Hayes rests her hands on the guard railing on your bed. “Well, we’ll have you on a hydration IV throughout the night while we monitor the miscarriage. There may be a need for a D and C, to make sure it’s complete and there’s no tissue left behind.” Your face blanches as she talks. “But all of that will depend on what happens tonight.”

“Thank you,” you murmur and she pats your hand gently, sympathetically, as she leaves. You can hear her giving the nurse instructions and you slump back against the pillows, completely drained.

Nykki checks her Apple Watch and grimaces. “It’s Martin. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Be gentle with Andrei, okay?” You reply, desperately wanting him at your side, but also wanting to protect him from this heartbreak a little longer.

She’s back in a few minutes, after the nurse has started you on an IV. “Martin’s going to bring him over,” she says, sitting carefully on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t tell him why you were here, just that you started to not feel well during the second,” she says. “It sounded like Andrei was halfway out the door before Martin could finish his sentence.”

You nod faintly. That sounds like Andrei. “I hope they don’t get slammed by Rod for leaving…” You twist your wedding rings around your finger, the diamonds catching the fluorescent lighting.

“They won’t,” Nykki says firmly. “He’d have to be a real bastard to punish Andrei for coming to the hospital for you. Besides, someone should’ve been available to get Andrei here earlier! It’s ridiculous.”

“Let him have an extra hour of normalcy,” you sigh, shifting on the bed, sore and uncomfortable.

You’re moved into a private room and given a hospital gown that bares your entire back and ass. A giant pad that’s probably as big as a damn puppy pee pad is wedged in between your legs to contain the bleeding and the IV is tugging unpleasantly at your skin. Nykki’s waiting downstairs to bring Andrei directly to you and you hope he’s here soon because now that you’re alone, the reality of the situation is sinking in and your chest is starting to feel tight. You turn your head and try to bury your face in the pillow, but you catch a whiff of the lingering Tom Ford Lost Cherry perfume you’d applied earlier mixed with antiseptic and sterile hospital smell and your brain briefly registers that it’s a shame, because you really love this perfume and now you’ll never be able to wear it again. Your heart thumps painfully in your chest, a reminder that you’re losing more and more of your baby with each passing second.

You hear him before you see him, the pounding of his footsteps echoing through the hallways. He’s running down the hall, that much is clear, and when you look over at the door, you catch the blur of Andrei skipping completely past your room before he doubles back and skids to a stop in the doorway.

He looks terrible - hair still damp with sweat, the red mark across his forehead from his helmet is still prominent, and he looks like he got dressed in the dark - or an extreme hurry - in a pair of basketball shorts and his button down with the buttons done up all wrong. But it’s the look of complete panic in his eyes that scares you the most. Andrei never looks that panicked.

“Solnyshka,” he breathes, his shoulders dropping from around his ears. In three long strides he’s at your side, holding your hand, and you finally feel like you can breathe.

“Hi,” you whisper before bursting into tears.

“Hi,” he replies softly, brushing his thumb over your knuckles. His grip is almost painful, but you welcome it as you hiccup. “What’s going on, solnyshka?”

Insanely, the only words that come out of your mouth are, “your shirt is buttoned wrong.”

Andrei looks surprised, “what?” he asks absently as his gaze flickers down to his shirt. He shakes his head, “I rush. Solnyshka,” his voice is high and nervous, “what is going on? Neci didn’t know anything. Just that you’re here, in hospital.”

“I…Andrei, I’m so sorry,” the words rush out of your mouth on a flood of fresh tears. “I was pregnant and now I’m not. I lost the baby.”

You’re not even sure if Andrei can even understand you, you’re crying so hard. But one glance at his face and the completely shattered expression it wears, and you know he understood you. His fingers tighten around yours and he’s shaking his head, hair falling forward over his forehead.

“What? I don’t - a baby?” He rubs at his forehead with his other hand, eyebrows pinched together in confusion. “When did you - why didn’t -“

He can’t seem to get a full sentence out and it only makes you cry harder, your entire body hurting with the effort. You know what he’s asking though.

“Last week,” you manage. “The day after you left. I was going to tell you tonight, but…” You trail off, shrugging one shoulder.

Andrei’s head hangs, chin to chest, and he makes a little noise in the back of his throat. “I’m so sorry, milaya,” he says, voice hoarse. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

The worst of your tears are drying up and you shake your head. “It’s not…I had Nyk. I hate that you had to find out like this. Baby and then no baby, all at once,” your voice cracks and you trace the little embroidered A.S. on his cuff, barely able to look at him.

Your husband sighs and drops his head so he can rest his forehead against yours. He smells like sweat and fear and Old Spice and your throat clogs with emotion again. “I thought…” he breathes. “I hear hospital and I think the worst. I thought the worst.”

This is the worst, you think. The worst possible thing. But you know what he means, that he thought something even more awful had happened to you, that he was worried he lost you because he didn’t know there was something else to lose.

Andrei’s lips brush against your cheek, soft and delicate, the rasp of his stubble a stark contrast. You sit like that, foreheads touching, for who knows how long. Andrei doesn’t cry, but his chest hitches and you think he might, maybe, when it all sinks in. You’re all cried out and now there’s just bone-deep exhaustion.

“i’m tired,” you murmur, the words getting lost between you.

Andrei nods against your forehead and pulls back, looking like it takes him a huge effort to sit back up. He cups your cheek and his thumb strokes a careful arc over your cheekbone. You lean into the familiar gesture, comforted. “Sleep, okay? I’ll…I have to call Rod. Get my stuff. I’ll take care of everything,” his voice is steady, but his eyes are clouded.

You nod, your eyelids already closing. Andrei gets up and brushes his lips over your forehead, murmuring that he loves you. Once he’s outside the room, you can hear him talking quietly to Nykki and Martin, but your grief and exhaustion pull you under before you can really concentrate on what he’s saying.

Sleep doesn’t last and you’re awake again after a few hours. You blink awake blearily, confused for a second before everything comes rushing back. Andrei’s scrunched up in a chair in the corner, his chin propped up on the palm of his hand, eyes shut. He changed in the time since he left, now dressed in a pair of jeans and a plain black t-shirt. His legs are kicked out in front of him, a pair of white sneakers on his feet. You don’t want to wake him, but when you shift, a sharp pain pierces your side and you gasp loudly before biting down hard on your tongue to muffle the noise. It doesn’t work and Andrei’s eyes fly open, his entire body jerking.

“Hey,” he’s at your side in a second, “what hurts? I call a nurse?” His accent is thick with sleep and worry.

You shake your head, the pain subsiding. “I’m fine.” And you are, the worst of the cramps are gone, leaving just a vague soreness and uncomfortable tightness in your chest and stomach. “You should’ve gone back to the hotel.”

“And leave you?” Andrei looks at you like you’re crazy. He shakes his head. “I got my bag and Nykki brought yours back. Do you want anything?”

“No,” you reach for his hand and lace your fingers together. “I just want to go home.”

He nods, looking exhausted. “Me too. I spoke to Rod, if you’re discharged later today then you come with us on the plane. If not, I stay and come home with you when you’re ready,” his lips quirk up at the corner when you start to protest. “Is decided, solnyshka. I’m not leaving your side.”

“But…” you trail off, all the arguments that you can think of fading when you realize that you don’t want to be separated from Andrei, not right now. “Okay,” you whisper.

“Good,” he chuckles under his breath. “I don’t want to argue with you.”

“No arguments from me,” you reply dryly, rolling your head so your cheek is on the pillow and you can look directly at him. “Why don’t you try and sleep some more? I’m not going anywhere.”

His jaw tightens a bit. “Can’t sleep,” he replies, even though you had just seen him asleep. “If the doctor comes, I want to be awake.”

You nod again, sore and tired, and Andrei just sits with you quietly for a while before you think to ask, “how was the game?”

He snorts. “We won, but who cares?” It’s such an unexpected answer - Andrei’s never not cared about winning a game - and it startles you into silence.

A nurse comes in a few minutes later, saving you from having to find an answer. She introduces herself as Kayla and speaks in a soft, but firm tone. You’re starting to recognize the undercurrent of apology and sympathy in the nurses and doctors’ tones and you’re beginning to hate it. Andrei doesn’t let go of your hand while she checks your vitals and puts another bag of saline on the IV pole. “The OB will be in soon to do another ultrasound and see if you need a D and C,” Kayla says gently. “But everything else looks good. You won’t be staying another night and I would guess that you’ll be out of here by early afternoon at the latest, either way.”

You nod robotically, not really absorbing what she’s saying. By this afternoon, everything will be over and you’ll for sure, 100% not be pregnant anymore. It’s a gut punch, even though you knew this was coming. Andrei asks the nurse a few more questions before she leaves, but you don’t really listen, focusing on a small stain on a ceiling tile. It looks like nothing at all, just a blob of brown, but the more you stare at it, the more your vision unfocuses, the more it starts to look like one of those stereotypical ultrasound blobs.

You don’t even realize that you’re crying again until Andrei wipes the tears from your cheeks. “Try and sleep again,” he murmurs, chewing at the inside of his cheek. “I think you’ll need strength.”

“Can you get me some water?” You ask, running your hands over the braid Nykki had done. It’s so messy and it feels like she fixed it a million years ago, but it was only four or five hours. It feels like another lifetime, sitting in the arena and joking around with her. From halfway through second intermission to a hospital room at 2 a.m. Certainly not how you were picturing the end of your trip to Vancouver.

You think you must fall asleep again because the next thing you know, there’s sun coming through the window and Andrei’s at your side again, his large hand resting on the top of your head, cradling the crown. Unfamiliar doctors and nurses are in the room and they all speak to you and Andrei, but the only words you hear are “incomplete miscarriage” and “quick procedure” before you’re being shuffled off to an operating room. It all happens too fast for you to even be scared and the last thing you remember before the anesthesia is Andrei by your ear, whispering in Russian to you, the spicy scent of his deodorant filling your senses.

Andrei’s there again, when you wake up, eyes looking red and face drawn. You’re barely conscious, but the sigh of relief he exhales permeates the fog. His hand is warm in yours and you manage a weak smile at him. “Hey there handsome,” you croak and he laughs weakly. “Miss me?”

“You…” Andrei coughs, “I love you very much.”

“Love you,” your words slur a bit. “I wanna go home.”

“Soon, solnyshka,” Andrei promises, stroking your hair. “Soon.” He’s still stroking your hair when you fall asleep again.

When you wake up again, the overwhelming sense of emptiness is what you notice first. Then Andrei comes into focus again, his weight of his head resting on your leg, his hand on your hip. You’re not sure if he’s awake or not, but you gently run your fingers through his hair and he looks over at you, shifting.

“Hi,” he murmurs, dark circles under his eyes.

“Hi,” you rasp back, fingers still working through his hair.

“How do you feel?”

“Sore, tired,” you hesitate, “empty.”

“Yeah,” Andrei’s reply is barely an exhale. “Doctor said we can go, once they give you the all-clear.”

You nod, chewing at your lower lip. “Andrei,” you choke his name, the words coming out like broken glass, “we don’t have a baby anymore.”

“I know,” Andrei replies simply, sitting up all the way and leaning forward to gather you into his arms. You go to him easily, moving carefully and ignoring the pull of your protesting muscles, and bury your face against his chest. He’s in the same black t-shirt and he smells stale now, like he needs a shower desperately, but under that he just smells like Andrei, like home, and you cry into his chest, the fabric growing wet under your face. He just holds you, his arms a strong cage around your back, his hands running up and down your back. Everything in your body hurts, but nothing more than your heart.

Throughout the next few hours, when you’re given a clean bill of health, instructions to take it easy and abstain from sex or using a tampon for three weeks, and discharged, Andrei is a rock. He’s right at your side, helping you get dressed in the soft joggers you were using as pajama pants and an oversized hoodie. He laces up your sneakers for you and carries all the bags out to the waiting Uber. You were discharged in time to make the team flight home, but after hearing Andrei on the phone before the doctor came in for your exam, you kind of suspect that he may have pressed Rod to change the travel plans. You can’t even start to think about what he’s done for you, exhaustion seeping to your bones.

No one says anything to you when Andrei ushers you onto the plane, but Neci gives you a small smile and squeezes your hand when you walk past him. You return the smile, feeling awful that Nykki has to fly home on her own. She’s been texting, checking in on you, and you haven’t answered yet, too distracted to deal with even holding your phone. Andrei bundles you into a seat near the back of the plane and wraps his jacket around you.

“Thanks,” you say quietly, resting your head against his shoulder.

“Anything for you, solnyshka,” he presses a kiss to the top of your head. “Try and sleep, long flight. I have the pain pills, if you need, okay?”

You nod against his shoulder and wrap his jacket tighter around your body, tucking your hands up into the sleeves. Andrei rests his palm on your knee and before the plane even takes off, you’re asleep.

It’s a long flight back to Raleigh and you don’t sleep the entire way, but after a solid three hour nap, you wake up feeling better. Andrei’s asleep when you wake up, his head dropped back against the headrest, his mouth open slightly. He finally looks relaxed and peaceful and you’re grateful, so grateful, for him.

Your whole body still hurts, but your legs are starting the cramp up, so you carefully shimmy out of your seat to stretch in the aisle. Brady and Jarvy wave at you from a few rows up and you wave back, wondering what they know, if they know anything. No one really tries to talk to you, so you assume Andrei told them that you had some kind of medical emergency. Legs feeling better, you settle back into your seat, finally pulling out your phone and connecting to the in-flight wifi so you can text Nykki.

She reassures you that none of the other guys know what happened and that if you need anything when you’re back in Raleigh to let her know. You’re blessed to have such a good friend in her and you thank her, thinking that maybe in a few days you’ll see if she’ll bring Gigi over for some puppy cuddles.

Andrei wakes up about and hour before you land and he gulps back half of a water bottle before he even says anything. Then he tips his head close to yours and whispers, “how are you feeling? Any pain?”

“No,” you whisper back, “I’m okay. Just sore. It’s like being drained after a really bad period. I feel better after my nap.”

“Good,” he pushes the half-empty water bottle into your hands. “Drink.”

“Yes, sir,” you tease, the moment of lightness making you feel a little better. You sip at it slowly, starting to get a little nauseous. Andrei wraps his arm around your shoulder and you lean against him, drawing comfort from his solid warmth.

When you land, Andrei guides you off the plane, his palm reassuring against your lower back. It’s easy to let him take the lead and to not think about anything. He’s got both of your bags and you don’t even put up a fuss when he refuses to let you carry even your purse. You’re just too tired.

Andrei’s car is parked fairly close and you don’t have to walk very far. You lower yourself into the front seat of the Lamborghini, muttering, “I hate this car.” Your stomach gives a protest of pain from having to climb into the car.

“I know,” Andrei laughs a little, loosening up. His string of ugly sports cars is a long running topic of conversation. The last one was orange, the one before that a strange green. This one is electric purple and it’s hideous. His terrible taste in car colors is his only red flag. “Next one will be red.”

“Why couldn’t this one have been red?” You ask, breathing deeply to stave off the nausea. You sink back against the seat and Andrei pulls out of the parking spot. He’s driving must slower than usual and is taking extreme care with navigating the roads.

“This one was only 75 made,” he explains again. “It’s a collectors item.”

“It’s still ugly,” you tease, a smile playing at your lips.

He reaches over and takes your hand, bringing it up to his mouth to kiss your knuckles. “I love you so much, moya solnyshka, and I’m so…proud of your strength.”

Andrei doesn’t look at you when he says it, but his voice gets thick and he swallows roughly. He continues, “it hurts to know there would’ve been a baby in the summer.” So he did the math, you think. “But, this is maybe the wrong thing to say, but I’m glad I didn’t know before.”

It’s not really the right thing to say to you in the moment, but you can’t blame him. You sniff and nod. “I know. I almost wish I hadn’t known either. It was only a week, but I was so attached to…to the idea of our baby.”

“When you’re ready,” Andrei says slowly, turning to look at you while you’re stopped at a red light, “you tell me and I’ll give you a baby. When you’re ready.”

You nod, unable to even think about trying for a baby right now, but Andrei’s words and his earnest expression make your heart melt. You love him so, so much. “When I’m ready,” you repeat, squeezing his fingers.

When you get home, Andrei runs you a shower and joins you after a minute, soaping up your hair and scrubbing down your body gently. You don’t speak while he works and his touch is nothing but chaste. He’s careful around your stomach and between your legs, impossibly gentle with those huge hands of his. You stand under the spray while he gives his own body and hair a quick wash, the heat of the shower starting to make you a little lightheaded. Right before it gets to the point where you think you’re going to have to say something, Andrei flips the water off and reaches out of the stall for a huge, fluffy towel, wrapping you up in it and rubbing his hands up and down your arms to keep you warm. He grabs another towel and wraps it around his waist, gripping your elbow and guiding you back to the bedroom.

You rummage in his drawers for oversized clothes, not wanting anything constrictive on your body. Once you’re comfortable in an old pair of Andrei’s grey sweats and a threadbare Duke t-shirt, you crawl under the covers and curl up on your side. “Join me?” You ask, looking up at Andrei. He nods, silently climbing into bed behind you and gently scooting you closer to him. The warmth of his body is comforting against your back and he wraps his arms loosely under your breasts, avoiding your stomach. Andrei buried his face in your hair and you let a few silent tears leak out of your eyes.

What did you do to deserve this wonderful man?

With Andrei’s arms around you and your heart heavy in your chest, you fall asleep again, but it’s unsatisfying. After a few hours, you need food even though you’re still nauseous. Andrei makes himself a sandwich and warms up a can of chicken soup for you and you eat in bed, a rerun of The Nanny on TV. Andrei doesn’t really get the show - the humor is too specific - but he does like to point out all the outfits that Fran wear and he thinks you can pull off. It’s a nice distraction.

You take the next few days off of work, just to recover, but Andrei isn’t as lucky. You’re mostly fine physically except some lingering soreness, most of your problems are mental. After talking about it on the way home, neither you not Andrei has really brought up the miscarriage.

Two days after the miscarriage, the team is playing at home and Andrei’s right there in the middle of it all. You don’t watch the game, still too raw to watch hockey after what happened in Vancouver, so it’s a little shocking when he comes home with a blackened right eye and a cut across his nose and part of his cheek. “What happened?” You yelp upon seeing him, getting carefully to your feet and reaching up to lightly touch the side of his face.

Andrei grunts. “Distracted, got hit,” he winces when he moves his face.

You feel awful, knowing he was distracted because he was worrying about you. “Luckily it didn’t need stitches,” you say softly. “Can’t have anything ruining that pretty face,” you tease him lightly.

He gives you a tight smile and his gaze flickers down to your stomach, covered in an oversized sweatshirt. You catch his look and brush your thumb over the edge of his jaw. “I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me so much,” you say. “I’m tough. I’m strong.”

“I know,” Andrei sighs, dropping a kiss to your forehead. He hesitates, wanting to say more, and you wait. “At the game,” he says slowly, “Burnsie, Staalsy, they had their kids there. I couldn’t help…I was picturing…”

Oh.

Your heart cracks right over the scabs that had been forming the past two days and fresh pain floods your veins. “Drei…” you’re not even sure what to say to him. You knew he was sad, but you hadn’t really thought about how deep his feelings went.

He smiles sadly at you. “Today, it hit me,” he says, twisting his lips. “We lost a baby.”

“Yeah,” you reply, throat tight. “We did.”

Andrei pulls you close, twisting his hand in the end of your ponytail. “I wasn’t expecting it to hurt like this, when I didn’t even know for very long,” he murmurs and you can feel a few tears drip onto the top of your head. You wrap your arms around his waist tighter.

“I don’t think that matters,” you mumble. “It hurts no matter how long you knew about it.”

You can feel Andrei’s head turn, his cheek pressing against the top of your head. You just stand there in his arms, holding tightly to the only other person that’s feeling the same pain as you. The longer Andrei holds you, the more you feel your fragile heart mending itself, the steady beat of his heart a constant under your cheek.

After that, things slowly start getting back to normal. You’re physically healed and cleared to resume normal activities. Andrei’s not so distracted during games. You can go hours, days without thinking about the baby that’s gone.

Andrei mentions it, off-hand, about a month after you get home from Vancouver, after he’s back from another quick road trip. “We could’ve been telling our families about the baby at Christmas,” he’s clearly been thinking about it.

You nod, a little startled by his comment. “Probably, yeah. Or we would’ve told them already, too excited to keep a secret,” you smile a little to yourself, thinking about how Andrei almost spoiled his proposal twice before he actually popped the question because he was so excited.

He grins at you, dimple popping, and pushes a slim box across the table at you. “Early Christmas present,” he says, answering your unasked question.

Looking at him suspiciously, you pop the lid on the jewelry box, finding a thin gold chain bracelet with two delicate charms on it - the common blue and white Greek mati to ward off the evil eye and a little horizontal cross attached at each end to the chain. You trace your fingers over the chain and look up at Andrei.

“A little luck?” He says, lifting one shoulder. “I saw it in a store window, in Long Island, before we played. Made me think of you.”

“Thank you,” you murmur, getting out of your seat to kiss him softly. You trace your tongue over his lower lip and desire stirs in your stomach, something foreign after the last few weeks, but oh so familiar. You’re not quite ready to have sex yet, but it’s a good reminder that you will one day soon. “It’s perfect.” You hold out your wrist and Andrei clasps the bracelet on.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he says, reminding you of the promise he made in the car.

“Whenever I’m ready,” you repeat, crawling onto his lap and letting him hold you. The thought of getting pregnant again doesn’t make your chest feel quite as tight anymore, doesn’t get the panic alarms ringing in your head. Andrei’s been so patient and gentle, making everything just a little bit easier to bear.

Every day just reminds you that as long as Andrei’s by your side, you can handle anything life throws at you.

He kisses the side of your head and holds you close, chasing the shadows of grief away.

[breekento]

Have you ever gone into possible hobbies that Nanami has vs Higuruma? I'm disappointed we never got to see his likes and hobbies 😭😭😭

Welcome back to another HiguNana analysis by Bree!

Unfortunately we don’t ever get to know very much about the personal interests and hobbies of Higuruma and Nanami throughout the show. They already have very little screen time and what we do see is usually pertaining only to the world of sorcery. But something that Higuruma and Nanami nation have decided is that both of these hunky men are wealthy and wealthy men have hobbies.

Like usual, these are my personal head-cannons please don’t be mad at me.

Hobbies that HiguNana have in common:

They are men of style and class, both wearing luxury suits and splurging on nice cars and watches. They adore shopping with you. They’ve worked hard in their careers to be able to afford their lifestyle and they both have the love language of gift giving. Those two things combined equals shopping trips for the two of you. They love dressing you up, watching you spin around for them. They can put their money where their mouth is. When you can’t decide which dress to buy for their work party, they say, “Just get both, darling. You can use one for a date night and one for the party.”

In a similar vein, they love traveling. And they love bringing you along. Even if it’s just a weekend getaway somewhere you’ve never been, they will book a last-minute trip and pack your bags for you. They already know your essentials and favorite outfits so you can expect your bag to be packed as soon as you get home.

Nanami’s hobbies:

Starting off with the most obvious, something we do know about Nanami is his love for reading. Before his death, he mentioned all of the books he never got around to reading. I like to think he has a home library and a wide range of taste in books from historical non-fiction to fiction fantasy books. In the mornings, he brews a cup of black coffee and sits outside, reading whatever current novel he is on before getting dressed and ready for work.

Something that we don’t have any clues for but is something that I can see fitting his character very well is a love for baking and cooking. He seems like the type of man to insist on cooking for holidays like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. His love for pastries only signifies that he at some point has dabble in baking. Plus, he would look just adorable in an apron.

Maybe this is just me self-inserting myself but as an avid plant mother Nanami has the type of personality to be a loving plant father. He’s patient and gentle and would take the utmost care of a garden or home jungle. He could use his own fresh vegetables in his cooking!

Now, this might tie in to the shopping hobby but we all know Nanami is a man of funky ties. I could see him collecting fun ties. Shopping for other items and coming across a new pattern he has never seen before, he can’t help himself. He has a drawer only for his ties and picks them out for every occasion.

Nanami is a white collar man and who do all white collar man love? Golf. Nanami is a man of golf. It only makes sense that he would have a section of his closet dedicated to his golf attire. Many times, business deals and business meetings are done over a game of golf.

Higuruma’s hobbies:

Higuruma was much more difficult to identify some hobbies but after some deliberation, I think I’ve found a handful that I would coin. Maybe I will even write them into future Higuruma fanfics.

The first one would be poker. You can’t tell me you can’t imagine Higuruma, cigarette in mouth and whiskey on the table playing poker with a group of other lawyers in his firm. After a long and stressful day of being professional, they undo their ties and relax over a game of poker. They have enough money to make the stakes higher by adding bets and money on the line.

To me, Higuruma strikes me as a music type of guy. More specifically, old music. He has a collection of vinyls that he will pull out and show guests and more importantly, you. Weekend mornings, he heads down to the local record store and thumbs through the new albums they have in stock. He has a well up-kept vintage record player, only the finest machine to play his collection.

I honestly can’t remember if it was ever made evident in the manga that Higuruma smoked or if we all just collectively gave him that head cannon but Higuruma is a smoker. Not only a smoker but he collects cigars. Rarely does he smoke his fine cigars, only pulling them out for special occasions such as weddings or other important events.

Similarly, Higuruma is a bar hopper. Not in the same sense as a twenty-something college kid but as an established lawyer with a wealth behind him. He finds new and fun bars with good live music to sit and have a few drinks at. His favorite thing is bringing you along. He gets to hear about your day, listen to the smooth local band behind you and have a nice drink. It’s an excuse to see you dressed up in your shopping spree outfit.

[xetswan]

By Your Side- Prologue

(Joshua Washington X Reader)

(Until Dawn)

[Prologue] [One] [Two]

“Hey sissy.” Jessica jumps on the end of my bed with a huge grin. I raise a brow, closing my laptop.

“What is it, Jess?” I let out a large sigh causing her to pout out her lip.

“Oh come on, I just wanted to hang out with my older sister.” She nudges my calf, scooting closer to me on the bed.

“Right, you haven’t called me sissy in years.” I call her out, to which my little sister scoffs. Shaking her head in disagreement to my statement.

Right now we’ve been home alone, our parents out for some business trip or so they say. They do this every month or two, telling us a business trip came up that they have to go to when in reality we all know it’s just a mini vacation they want to take without feeling guilty. Something they shouldn’t have to feel guilty for.

“Uh, yes I have. Just the other day. Maybe I just want to say it again.” Jessica argues with me and I let out a small chuckle.

“Okay, I’ll keep you to it, sissy.” I mock her, she tries to hide it but she breaks out into a smile as well.

“Okay, fine. I overheard Hannah saying we’re going to the lodge! Did Josh say anything to you about it?” She hops up on her knees, bouncing on my bed a little bit. “It was mentioned but I don’t think I’m going.” I let out a nervous laugh, I watched as her eyes bulged out of the sockets along with her mouth hung wide open.

“You have to go! Mom and dad won’t let me go unless you do.” She grips on my knee shaking me aggressively.

It’s not that I don’t want to go.

It sounds fun as heck but lately Josh has been acting a little more flirtatious with me and I’m not up for an awkward weekend of the group making fun of us. Ever since Thanksgiving he started becoming more flirty with me. I went to his family’s dinner and I don’t know.

I like him, of course I do. Who wouldn’t in my position I just don’t want our friendship to get messed up in the heat of things.

“I.. I don’t know Jessie. I have a lot of homework to catch up on.” I lie, I’m all caught up. I only have three classes so I also have time to work.

“[Name], please. I’ll clean your car whenever you want me to! And your dishes! For a month!” She pleads with me. I bite the tip of my thumb thinking about it. A weekend with friends might get out minds off of things. Josh might not bother me as much as I think he will. I close my eyes.

“Okay,” I breathe out, “okay, I’ll go but please try to make sure the pranks against me are at a minimum. And don’t worry about cleaning my things.” I slouch down a tad bit only to be brought back up by my sister who squeals and hugs me. “I can’t wait for the invitation to make things official!” She lets me go and excitedly leaves my room.

I hear her call Ashley which surprised me. I didn’t expect her to really become friends with Ashley. It’s better than Emily though.

I check my phone that pings a few times, Josh and Chris’s names pop up and I roll my eyes at what they’re saying.

“Partying it up on Mount Washington!!!!!!!!! What you guys think?” Josh using way too many exclamation points.

“I’m in, you know it!” Chris sends with multiple emojis and I snort out a laugh.

“[Name], how about you?” Josh puts a little winky face to which I roll my eyes, a smirk still laid upon my lips though.

“Hm, I don’t know.” I respond back, Chris sends a gasping face emoji in response to my message.

“You’re the life of the party you have to be there:(“ Chris says.

“Is it worth my time though?” I tease them, obviously I already told Jessica I was going. I’m not backing out of my word but it is fun to mess with my boys.

“Oh wowww, can’t believe Miss chugger won’t come to a party… with provided alcohol.” Josh says, my jaw slacks open in shock.

“Hey, Miss chugger is in the past, dead even and she’s not coming back.” I remind him. In high school we of course were bit of partiers.

I was the worst of the worst when it comes to drinking. I’d out drink everyone, chugging disgusting beers, taking shots of pure vodka like it was nothing. Just thinking about those days makes me want to vomit.

“I miss her:(“ Chris comments,

Josh puts the laughing emoji, “me too:(“ I roll my eyes once again.

“Shut up, I’m coming I already told Jessie I would. Miss chugger on the other hand you guys can forget it.” I turn my phone off after I hit send, getting back on my laptop to watching YouTube videos like I was before Jessica rudely came into my room.

“C’mon, sissy, everyone else is already waiting for us!” Jessica dramatically tugs me onto the cable car.

“You’re really sticking with Sissy now?” I scrunch my face, throwing my backpack onto my back since I just had to get my hat out, somehow I forgot how cold it actually was going to be up here. I was currently wearing a little puffer jacket, a pink slightly cropped sweater underneath with low rise jeans.

“Of course, I told you I might want to say it again and I do!” She folds her arms. I shake my head. “Okay, sorry.” I jokingly say.

As the cable car goes up I glance around. Taking in the beauty of it all.

I used to come up here with the Washington’s for the summer sometimes, this also isn’t my first winter up here. I love the Washington’s, they’ve always welcomed me. It was nice to have a place where I didn’t always have to take Jessica with me since she’s my younger sister our parents always expected me to have her tag along.

I love her and all but it’s cool to have my own time too.

“Look, I see them!” She points over to the group who were actually waiting for us. I glance over and they’re waving to us, so we do it back.

Jessica was practically on the edge of her seat excited to get off. As it gets to where we need to be we rush off and get greeted with hugs from our friends. Even if we’ve seen them just days or a few weeks ago.

“It’s nice to see you actually came!” Josh jokes with me, pulling me into a tight hug.

“Yeah, it was a tough decision.” I mess with him. Chris gives me a small side hug.

“Ready for the weekend Chugger?” He takes my hat off to which I slap him on the arm.

“Chugger doesn’t exist anymore. Give me that!” I jump up to grab from the blond.

“I think I’ll wear it.” He places it on his head. “Doesn’t this look nice on me, Josh?” Chris turns to our other friends as we all start walking. “Oh man, I’d totally take you to the bone zone if you were a girl.” Josh says and I let out a sort of loud laugh.

“The bone zone? God you are so corny.” I hold my stomach.

“Okay, okay, calm down. It wasn’t that funny.” Josh pats my back. Chris tries to hold back his laughter as well.

“Are we almost there yet, my feet are killer from the work out I did earlier.” Matt speaks up from behind us, we stop and turn.

“Just a little bit always, princess.” Beth replies to him. “Ha-ha, I’m serious. I might’ve did a little too much.” He mainly comments the last part to himself. I then hear Mike and Emily flirting with each other making me want to gag but then I also notice how Hannah was staring at them, well staring at Mike.

We began walking again and I slowed down a little bit.

“Hey, Han.” I nudge her arm. She snaps out of her thoughts looking at me.

“Hey [Name].” She gives a small smile. “You like him?” I whisper, her face suddenly then drops.

“Who told you? Did Josh read my journal or something?” She starts to panic but I shush her, calming her down.

“No, no, I saw the way you were looking at them. Either you like him or it’s Emily which is kind of doubtful considering I didn’t think you swung that way. It’s not a bad thing if you did.” I rambled on a little bit, causing her to snicker shaking her head.

“It’s him, I didn’t think I was that obvious.” She shyly rubs her hands together, most likely trying to give herself warmth.

“It’s probably not, I just enjoy observing people sometimes.” I assure her.

“Oh, okay. Well I’ve actually done some observing myself and it seems like you’re avoiding my brother.” She calls me out, my mouth instantly closing having nothing to say in response to that spot on observance she had.

“What? I haven’t- I’m not avoiding him.” I disagree, glancing up to see Josh, Chris and Matt messing with each other as Mike cheers for god knows what they’re doing. “Right, so you not coming over on the weekends to hang out with Josh after Thanksgiving is you not avoiding him?” She questions me.

“Exactly it’s not.” I try to stay confident with my answer, attempting to keep a straight face but once I look at her we both burst into laughter.

“Fine, fine! I am.” I sigh out, kicking the snow as we walk up the trail. “But why? You guys never have a problem.” She frowns.

“It’s a long story.” I bite my bottom lip thinking about all that’s happened.

“We have some time before we get to the house.” She says, shrugging her shoulders. I glance up ahead again, seeing as everyone was pre-occupied with each other.

“Josh and I sort of got flirty with each other. Your brother was super headstrong with it. I kind of did it back. We kissed a few times on Thanksgiving night and since that night I was scared it would ruin our friendship so I cut back. I gave excuses to not come over.” I let out in a low voice so only she could hear. Hannah smiles at me sweetly.

“I know I’m a jerk for it but it’s just my anxiety taking over I guess.” I stare at the ground.

“You’re not a jerk. That also wasn’t a long story.” She comments, both of us laughing once again. “Just talk with Josh. You never know what could happen.” Hannah nudges me, I do it back to her. Both of us smiling. “Okay, I will.” I stand up straighter.

Once we get to the lodge, Josh opens the door dramatically.

“Finally, warmth!” Sam opens her arms, spinning around as she walks further inside. I watch Beth turn the lights on with a smirk watching Sam. “Very exciting.” I agree, tugging my jacket off, holding it in my arm.

“Party time!” Mike announces earning the rest of us to cheer. Josh, Chris, Ashley and I go get our rooms, well Josh is showing us to ours, I’m the last one too. He turns a familiar corner and I start to fold my arms.

“This is your room, Josh.” I point out. “Nice observation.” He smirks, taking my jacket and back from my hands he places them down with his on a chair that’s up against the wall. I shake my head, chuckling.

“Where’s my actual room that I usually sleep in?” I lean against the doorway.

“Oh c’mon, babe. Just this weekend.” He comes up to me, taking one of my hands. “Just this weekend, what?” I raise a brow, confused but also intrigued. He leads me into the room, sitting me down before going back to close the door.

“I mean we both know how we feel about each other. It’s pretty obvious.” He concludes, not exactly looking me in the eyes. “And how do we feel about each other, Joshua?” I stare up at him. His eyes finally meet mine, and it looks like he melted just from our eye contact.

“Y’know…” He mutters, coming closer. “I don’t.” I tease him, standing up to push him down on the bed so I’m in between his legs this time. His hands find my hips, aggressively he squeezes them, lowly groaning.

“[Name], please, you don’t understand what you do to me.” He pulls me closer to him, my chest practically in his face. I feel my face warm up, I wasn’t expecting this. My hand drags up his torso to his face, cradling it as I force him to look up at me.

“Let’s try this out.” I whisper. His eyes lighten up, I feel his grip tighten even more.

“What- what do you mean?” He adjusts himself on the bed, I still stare at his face. “Let’s try out the relationship thing,” I begin and a smile erupts on his face.

“But, if this doesn’t work out, we don’t let our friendship get awkward.” I practically am begging with my facial expression. “It will work out.” He pushes me back a little bit so he can stand up. He kisses me gently, first on the lips then trailing down to my jawline.

“We should get going back down before anyone gets suspicious.” I hum out, feeling his lips begin to touch my neck. I try to push on his chest but he’s gripping my sides so tightly like I’ll run away.

“Let them.” He takes a small break only to work on my neck again. “Josh.” I gasp. He snickers, finally stopping. His eyes trail all over my face then to my neck.

“You might want to cover that up.” He taps the spot he was attacking before grabbing his phone from the bed and walking out. My face scrunches up, confused at first but then I rush over to the mirror, I let out a loud gasp.

“Joshua!!” I hold my neck and I hear him let out a laugh. I sigh, going over to the chair with our stuff and dig in it, finding a stupid thin scarf I brought and neatly wrap it to hide the hickey he gave me.

I finally start heading downstairs, joining the rest of the group who were planning out what we’re doing for the weekend.

Later that night Josh and Chris decided to do a drinking game, I sat next to Josh as Chris sat across from us.

Beth and Sam were watching everything go down. “Come on Chugger, you gotta join us.” Chris practically whines, my eyes roll in response. “I told you she’s dead. Now knock it off.” I wave my hand in a swift movement.

“I liked Chugger, she was sexy.” Josh whispered the last part into my ear. I shove him away from me as my face warmed up.

“What was that? Care to share with the class?” Sam speaks up and I felt my eyes widen.

“Chugger, she was a sexy woman back in the day.” Josh announces and my body shrivels down in embarrassment. “She was a careless teenager.” I disagree. “Same thing.” Chris shrugs his shoulders, picking up a beer and beginning to take the first sip.

I watched as the two get shitfaced with Beth and Sam, us three talking about school work or just things going on in our lives.

Sam decides to join the others and I think Hannah went to go write or something, Beth and I are now taking pictures on our phones acting stupid.

Josh and Chris are passed out now.

“I’m glad you decided to come.” Beth smiles at me and I nod, putting my phone down.

“Me too, even if your brother is annoying. I’m still having fun.” I joke, of course forgetting why I have my scarf on I take it off due to me getting hot and my neck starting to sweat.

“He loves you.” Beth mumbles looking over at her drunken brother, laughing. “I don’t know about love but yeah.” I glance over at him, his face smushed on his arm with his mouth wide open.

“Oh my god.” The girl suddenly whispers and I snap my head over to her. “What? What is it?” I look down at myself to see if she accidentally dropped something on me.

“Is that a hickey?” She flicks the spot on my neck, I hiss, slapping her hand away.

“Is that from Josh?” She breaks out into a small laughing fit.

“What- no, it’s- maybe.” I couldn’t find a good excuse okay? Kill me. “That’s hilarious, Matt owes me fifty bucks.” She throws her head back.

“You bet on our love life?” I crossed my arms. “Everyone practically did. Even Chris.” She gets up to start cleaning after Josh and Chris.

I just sit there, in shock from what she just told me.

Beth leaves the room and I go back to sitting beside Josh, laying my head down on his shoulder. He moves around a little bit. “Hm?” He hums and I shush him.

“Sorry, just wanted to be by you.” I whisper. He grumbles a little bit but harshly leans up to put his arm around me, laying his head back down on his other arm. I smile to myself, laying down on my arm, cuddling up next to him. Our legs now sort of entangled together. I didn’t drink or anything but the tiredness of traveling finally hit me.

I don’t even know how much time has passed but that was until I heard the ending of a conversation.

“Just because he’s class Prez doesn’t mean he belongs to everyone… Mike is my man.” I hear Emily say as they leave the kitchen.

“Hey, Em. I’m not anybody’s man.”

“Whatever you say, Darling!” She sings. I lift my head up for a second but then shrug, going back to sleep, I hear someone walk in but I just ignore it.

Thinking I was going to get to fall asleep for longer I instead get Beth walking in to continue cleaning up, I still let Josh hold onto me but I sit my head up to watch her.

“Hey did you see that? Dad said it’d just be us this weekend.” She turns to us but sees the two boys still passed out.

“Josh?”

“He’s been passed out, love. I don’t think you’ll be waking him up anytime soon.” I give her a sad face.

“But what did you see?” I ask. “I thought I saw someone outside. I swear I did.” She frowns, glancing at the window again but she heads over to the counter.

She picks up a bottle that’s in front of us and empty by the way. It’s an older scotch, Jeremiah Cragg.

“Jeez, Josh… Once again brother you outdone us all. She pats the arm that he has around me and I tiredly laugh. I then watch her spin a paper around, picking it up to read it.

“Oh my god. What did our naive sister get herself into now?” Beth turns to us and I raise a brow. “What?” I ask. “Here.” She hands me the paper and I read it. I close my eyes letting out a long breath.

“I think they found out about Hannah’s feelings. This has to be a prank.” I gently pull Josh’s arm off of me and I stand up, placing the paper down and they we look outside to see Hannah crying, running past the window.

“Oh my god.” I gasp.

“Wake Josh I’ll go to the others, I hope that wasn’t Hannah.” She runs outside, I nod. Going over to the passed out drunk. I overhear the others yelling outside for Hannah and then hear Beth run after her sister.

“Josh, Joshua, hun.” I push his body. His snore becomes a little louder and I bite my bottom lip. “Babe, c’mon wake up, Beth and Hannah ran outside.” I say a little loud, shaking him more aggressively.

“What?” He becomes more awake.

“They what?” He lifts his head up.

“The others played a prank on Hannah, I’m guessing it was bad because she ran outside and Beth followed from what I heard.” I tell him, now he’s more alert and he drunkenly stood up. He stumbles a bit so I run over and get him a water.

“Here, drink and let’s go.” I tell him. Suddenly when we saw the group he sobers up.

“What the hell did you guys do!?” Josh angrily shouts, he was holding my hand for support.

“It was just a prank, Josh, we didn’t mean for it to upset her like that.” Emily steps forward and I glare at her. Then at Mike, then to Jessica.

“Especially you, Jessica.” I point a finger at her, her head goes down.

“I can’t believe you guys would do something so stupid like that.” I shake my head, disappointed.

“I tried to warn her, I was too late.” Sam tells me and I smile weakly. “Let’s just hope they come back soon.” I frown.

Soon never came though.

After thirty minutes Josh began to panic and I woke Chris up. Catching him up with everything as we decided to go look for the two sisters.

I called the police and mountain patrol but we never found them.

For months we did search parties, I stayed by Josh’s side, knowing it’s a tough time for him. I barely passed two semesters as I was always with him trying to help.

I didn’t mind it though. I wanted to make sure he was okay. I knew he wasn’t. His parents were rough on him, telling him it was his fault since he was drunk.

It wasn’t his fault. It was our stupid friends fault for playing that dirty prank on Hannah the way they did.

It’s about a year now and no one has even seen a sign of them…

It’s horrible.

[that-struggling-writer-lh]

Look How Pretty You Are.

No outbreak! No use of y/n!

WARNINGS: DBF! 18+ Minors DNI. This is smut! BIG age gap. (Reader is 22, Joel in his 40s) Unprotected p in v (don't be dumb). Praise, quite a quicky. Would love to write a part 2 to this, tbh.

WORD COUNT: 5.2k

Coming home from college in the summer meant two things. I was left to my own devices Monday through Friday, and weekends were crazy. Loud, party filled affairs my parents put on with the entire neighborhood being welcome. This summer was different, though.

Freshly graduated means that this summer was my last one before becoming a “real adult” as my parents put it, even if with the fancy business degree I’d likely just end up in the office dad’s contracting business. A silent, small building that was really just a way for calls to be directed to him from the desk, filtering the bullshit and getting to the point. The click clack of fingers on the keyboard as I did payroll, budgeting, projections, ad flyers. The works. Most of the work was boring, lonely. Silent. 

“Hey, can you run to the store for some beer? Mixers? Snacks?” Dad’s tall figure peeked into the office, clothes covered in sawdust, face covered in sweat. “Friday night and all now that you’re old enough to make those kinds of runs. It’s quiet today. Let yourself off early.” 

I mulled it over momentarily, not really wanting to go shopping for my parents’ party. But knowing it might get me into the party this year, when all previous I’d been asked to stay inside, book in hand, or movie playing loudly to try to drown out the noise of splashing in the pool, hollering and dancing to upbeat music on the porch, “Sure, I can do that. If I can actually attend this year.” 

My father ran a hand through his thinning hair, “Alright, sure.” he shook his head in a “no” motion, but the verbal okay was all I needed.

A smile tugging my lips, “Give me your card?” I motioned for the wallet tucked into his opposite hand, grabbing my car keys and nodding.

“I’ll also keep you on the clock until five if you do a favor for-”

“What? What favor?” slight annoyance tugging at my stomach, but knowing that extra money coupled with the prospect of a night drinking with the neighborhood was too good to pass up.

“Joel sent his grocery list. With Sarah away now, he’s having a hard time remembering these things. He asked if maybe you’d be willing to lend him a hand there, and I said sure.”

“As long as he fixes that shelf in my closet like he promised five years ago.” I tore the slip of coffee stained notebook paper from my father’s hand and eyed it carefully after remembering the shelf that had broken above my head in my bedroom closet while moving out for my first year of college. Dad promised it would be fixed before I was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, five years later it was still impossible to put any items above my head to sit on the wood.

“Consider it done, I’ll have Joel get on it next week.”

Steak, chicken, snack food, rice, potatoes. “Can I add things? Is this really all he eats?” I raised a quizzical eyebrow, “how is he still alive?”

My father laughed softly, “Sarah used to do all that, just take his card and grab what you think he’ll like, I guess.” 

Joel. The much older, very handsome man who had been the object of my desire since I was old enough to understand the term dilf, Joel. Always present, always prepared, my father’s best friend since High School. So extremely off-limits, even now that you’re an adult. It would only bring trouble.

My father handed the two credit cards to me. I guess today’s task was to be a personal shopper.

Joel, who I’ve had a key to his house since I was hardly ten years old, Sarah and I frequently needed it after school to group together to finish homework, raid the cabinets, and make messes through the home until her father would come back and scold us for being teenagers. 

Joel, who was my first fantasy. Authoritative, but kind. Hard, but soft. Ruthless, but understanding of my and his daughter’s antics up until his tear streaked face sent both of us away to the same college, except I returned home and she found a job in the city.

Joel, even thinking of him at the red light while waiting to turn into the grocery store had me clenching my thighs together in my sundress, need filling me even when knowing I’d never get to taste.

The list focus. I got all of his essentials and then some, wanting him to be satiated for longer than the weekend, giving him options for the start of the week before he’d inevitably go back to fast-food runs between job sites.

After Joel’s list was taken care of, I shopped for the party, dividing the orders up before checking out and returning to town, stopping first at Joel’s house since his order had more need to go to the fridge than the alcohol and snacks my father had asked for.

Halfway through putting his order away and tidying a few other areas to be helpful, the front door opened, the sound of boots kicking off, Joel’s muttered voice so quiet I couldn’t hear it. I suppose he was used to talking to himself now, though.

“I thought I saw your car here.” his friendly tone rang from the kitchen entrance.

“Yeah, Dad gave me your list. So I figured I’d get it all set for you. I didn’t know when you’d be finished over at that apartment complex, so I- well. You know.”

“You tidied up?” he asked, looking at the organized dining table, and the lack of dishes in the sink.

“There were only a few things, I thought-”

“Thank you. I’ve been a mess with my little girl gone.” he smiled.

“She misses you. We called each other last week. Talked about the hell we raised here, how we were sure you hated us.” I laughed softly, closing the fridge and putting a box in the familiar cabinets, knowing this house as well as I knew my own.

“Nah, I could never hate you girls. Kids being kids, is all. I was young once, too.” he had a soft look of remembrance, looking at me like he was a million years away, “But you’re all grown up now. Well adjusted, smart, beautiful girl.” he sighed, rinsing out his coffee thermos in the sink quickly.

I had never heard him call me beautiful before, and my heart lurched at the compliment. Though, I’m sure he meant it in a far different way than I’d construed. Like a second daughter, like a neighbor across the street. Like someone he helped raise. Not like beautiful beautiful, “Thank you, Mr. Miller.” I smiled softly at his sentiment, anyway. Wiping down the counters when I’d finished, “I took the liberty of getting you some extras. Steak and potato diet only gets you so far.”

“Oh, thank you.” he sounded genuinely grateful, “I never know what to do, or what to eat, really. Sarah usually would-”

“I know, she’s a great cook.” I giggled, showing him the receipt that I’d crumpled in the pocket of my cardigan, placing it in his hand, “Here’s the damage.”

He looked everything over carefully, “That’s fine.” he nodded, “Thank you. But, don’t call me Mr. Miller. That’s weird.” he smirked, “Just Joel. Same as always for the last 22 years.”

“Sorry.” I laughed shyly.

“I’m gonna hit the shower before heading to your folks’ place.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, Joel.” I smiled softly and he rested his hand on my lower back as he brushed by me to create space between himself, me, and the kitchen island. Such a simple gesture, but the placement was new. Usually he’d touch my shoulder or ask me to step aside for him.

I tidied the magazines and newspapers littering the coffee table, dusting the surface with a cloth before I left, I debated on vacuuming but left the rest as is, I’m not his housekeeper. I’m not replacing Sarah. He’s grown, he can take care of it, surely. Before I had time to slip back into my flats, the water was already off and the bathroom door was opening. I turned away as I folded the throw blankets and Joel’s surprise at seeing me still in his house was obviously justified, “Dammit, you scared me!” he clutched his abdomen and sighed in relief, “What are you still doing here?” not angry, quizzical.

“I noticed some magazines all out of place, so I thought I’d do that. But then I saw dust, and then the blankets- sorry, Joel. I didn’t think you’d be so fast.” I let out a breathy laugh and turned to face him for just a moment before covering my eyes up again. He was only wearing a towel, water droplets decorating his toned frame, dripping from his soft, curly hair that’s been made slightly gray over the years.

He sighed, not in frustration. Just a sigh, “You don’t need to take care of me like this. I’m fine, Sweetheart. Really.”

“I know. I just. This house is so special to me. I practically grew up here.” I looked to the location of the coffee table and could practically see Sarah and I grunting to move it aside and lay a million blankets and pillows out on the floor for our sleepovers. Popcorn kernels and candy all over the floor, empty box of pizza that Joel would have helped us scarf down before disappearing into the backyard or the master bedroom to leave us alone for the remainder of the evening. He never lingered too long, never tried to be the cool dad. Knew when it was time to leave his daughter and her friends alone.

His tone was even softer now, “It is a pretty special place, huh? Your Daddy helped me build it from the ground up. Pouring that concrete, framing up the walls. Drywall, mudding, installing. This house was the best job I’ve ever done for my family. Promised so much.” I knew he was reminiscing about his wife who had passed away more than a decade ago. The way he looked so far away even though he was right there. 

I dared to continue to keep my eyes on him despite his attire, “I miss her, too.” I said suddenly, his eyes flitted to mine and he smiled weakly.

“Why don’t you head on home, Dollface? I saw all the bags you still have to unpack over there in your car.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, adjusting his towel to ensure it was secure enough.

My mouth ran dry at the sight of him, I felt so guilty for it after such a tender moment, “Sure. Enjoy your groceries, Joel.” I smirked and slipped into my shoes, letting myself out and backing from his driveway into mine. Perks of being across the street.

My parents had yet to return, so I quickly unloaded and prepped the snacks into serving trays and bowls, put the booze on ice in coolers and began dragging everything to the backyard, filling the picnic table by the pool with things to eat, cooler resting on the ground beside everything else.

I made myself busy getting ready, slipping from my work clothes to a black bikini covered by shorts and a plain off-shoulder long sleeve shirt. The sun would set soon, dropping the scorching temperature. I added a soft lipstick and touched up my makeup, keeping my hair down. By the time I finished I could hear the familiar bustle of my folks in the kitchen, prepping for the grill and salads. 

I offered a hand in the kitchen, as typical and my mother handed me a large knife, “Quarter the cucumber and dice some tomato for the salad, please.” she instructed as my father poured seasonings into a dish of various cuts of chicken.

I set to work, “I dropped that stuff off for Joel, Dad.” I started, and he hummed in response as a thank you.

“Thanks, baby.” he said as he massaged the seasonings into the meat, “He just needs a little hand for now is all, I’m sure in a few weeks when the busy season is over he’ll be right. Maybe it can be a regular thing, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“No, I don’t mind. I miss being there all the time, anyway. Such sweet memories from growing up in that house.” I mused, the rhythmic chopping on the cutting board in front of me keeping me at a steady pace.

“How is Sarah, anyway? Talk to her lately?”

“Fine, she likes her new job, dating around a little. Nothing major aside from roommate drama. She doesn’t like apartment life.”

“Not like being roommates in the dorms with you, huh?”

I scoffed softly, “Evidently not.”

The small talk continued until we opened the front door for our neighbors and Joel was first over, as typical. He and my father sat poolside in lounge chairs, beer in hand laughing and talking like usual until others joined them.

I found myself watching him from the window above the sink as I scrubbed at the dishes left behind, watching his dimpled cheek when he smiled, the curve of his mouth around the glass bottle, how he would scratch at the stubble on his cheeks when thinking. I could see their bottles were nearly empty, so I finished scrubbing a pan and headed to the yard, opening a cooler and grabbing three bottles, two for the men, one for me. I cracked mine first and took a swig, then cracked the other two and brought them over, “Noticed you guys were looking a little low.” I eyed Joel instead of my father.

“Why, thank you, Dollface.” Joel smirked and held the drink up in a cheers motion, “What a sweet girl you have, Jimmy. Always looking out for the guests.”

“She learned hosting from her Mama, Joel. Certainly not me.” my dad quipped, nodding a thanks to me as I handed them each a bottle.

I felt a blush creep up with how Joel was examining me, and I wondered if that was the same way I was watching him earlier. He took the bottle from my hand and pushed further, “While you’re being so gracious, can you get me a little snack while we wait for the others to get here? Feelin’ a little peckish.”

I smirked and faked an annoyed eye roll, “Yes, sir. Welcome to my restaurant. What would you like?” 

Joel laughed at that, “Surprise me.”

I made my way to the snack table and loaded a small plate with cheese, crackers, meats, and cold veggies, bringing it back to the familiar man, “Careful, there’s poison somewhere in there.” I joked and his smile broadened.

“Thank you, Sweetheart.”

“You’re welcome, Old Man.” I quipped back before returning inside to clean up the rest of the mess and my father laughed.

Before it was fully dark outside our backyard was full of people. I made light of the event, socializing, recapping the last four years of my time away with neighbors. I kept nursing drink after drink to help my nerves keep calm, my social meter tapped out by around ten p.m with hours left to go.

I stepped inside and retreated to the bathroom to get just a single moment where I didn’t have to talk to anybody, the harsh lighting burning my blurred eyes after spending hours in the soft lighting of the backyard.

I splashed a little water on my face and when I opened the door I gasped to see Joel standing there, “Oh, sorry, Sweetheart.” his eyes burned the same color as mine, lids heavy with drink.

“It’s fine, Joel.” I nearly pushed by him but his smirk stopped me.

“I’m not Old Man anymore?” he towered over me, and this close I had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Oh, you’re still old.” I giggled, the quiet of the house was a complete contrast to the music coming from outside. The rest of the party dancing, socializing, drinking.

He hummed in response and set his hand on my waist, looking into the bathroom, “You done in here or can I take a piss, Gorgeous?”

I flushed instantly, “Sorry, sir.” and stepped aside.

His eyebrows raised softly “So tense with me. Almost like-”

“Almost like what?” my heart began drumming inside of my chest.

“Nah, nothing.” 

I pushed by him and let him in, closing the door behind me with a “You need to fix my closet next week, Joel.” 

“Anything for you, Babygirl.” he called from behind the closed door and I felt myself melting inside.

“Promise?” I giggled, pushing the boundary thanks to the mixed drinks in my blood.

Silence for a few moments, running water, and then the opening of the door, something had changed in his eyes in the few moments from behind the barricade of the door. “Of course, Sweetheart. Anything.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and felt my eyes close softly unconsciously. I snapped them back open, feigning off embarrassment. 

“You’ve been acting strange since you moved back home. Everything okay?” he sounded concerned.

“Fine. It’s-” I almost admitted it was him. I shut my mouth before I could say anything sober me would regret.

His full lips tipped up into a half-smirk, “It’s. It’s. It’s-” a pause, he wanted me to continue, “Spit it out, Doll. What’s bothering my girl?” his tone was the same as it always was when I was needing advice growing up, but his eyes were darkened.

“You.” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t even sure I said it or if I just thought it.

“Me?” he said after a long pause, furrowing his brows.

“It’s- Nevermind. So stupid of me.” I turned on my heel and started away from him, but he grabbed my wrist carefully to stop me.

“You’re not stupid.” his eyes held promise. Safety.

“If I say what’s on my mind you’ll change your mind, Mr. Miller.” I felt smaller than a mouse at that moment. The liquid courage pushed me on as he continued to press.

“I promise. Nothing you say could ever change my mind.” 

“I’ve been acting weird because of you.” his hand was still gripping my wrist and his hand tightened for a fraction of a second, my skin burned deliciously at his touch.

“Have I done something wrong?” he asked cautiously.

“The opposite.” my voice was still a whisper, and his was dropping now, too. Reading that this was a conversation better kept private.

He hummed again, “Do you-”

“Since I was a teenager I’ve had a crush on you. The older I get the more I can read you. The older I get the more I-... The more I cannot think about anything else but how it would feel to-” I stopped. Stupid. “Stupid.”

“No.” he shook his head, “I’ve been watching you the last few months.” he admitted, “You’re not a little girl anymore. Far from it. A gorgeous woman. You’re not stupid for thinking, but it could cause issues.” his eyes held concern.

“With Sarah.”

“And your old man.” he finished my thought.

“You-you feel it, too?”

He nodded once, a silent reply.

I stared at his lips suddenly. Then his eyes. Feeling my reserve crumbling around me, hoping his was, too. I turned my figure more toward him and he pressed his spare hand, still damp from washing into the small of my back, still gripping my wrist with his free hand. “Are you going to kiss me, Joel?” the silent, darkened hall and our hushed voices would raise alarm for anyone within earshot. Thank God we were the only ones in the house.

He didn’t answer with words, but let my wrist go and cupped my jaw in his hand, pressing me against his toned body, hands all rough from his job. Hesitantly, slowly he was leaning down to my level before his breath hit my lips and he stopped. Knitting his brows together, biting down on his bottom lip. He was fighting a war in himself, one that he was going to lose. “Please, if you’re going to kiss me… Please. I’m begging.” I shot my eyes back to his as my whimpered plea ran out of my mouth like a track star and he was pressing his lips against mine in no time at all.

Soft, tangy with beer. Electric. Everything I had ever dreamed of. I gasped as my senses were overloaded with him, and he wrapped his arm around me tighter, his grip on my jaw was iron. I placed my hands on his chest and he mistook it for pushing him away, “God, I-I’m so sorry-” he started, but kept his hands in their places.

“No. I’ve waited ten years for this moment.” I admitted, looking up at him through my lashes, “please don’t be sorry.”

He reconnected his lips to mine, taking advantage of the still quiet house before pulling me into the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind him.

I leaned my back against the counter and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, he was feverish. The way he clung to my hips in desperation, licking into my mouth at the added privacy of the bathroom. I allowed him access, moaning softly against his tongue, curling my fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck. He tasted like heaven. He pulled away again, and his eyes were almost deranged looking with a mix of emotions, “Fuck, we could get in trouble.” he whispered.

I felt wetness pooling into the bottoms of my bikini at the sight of him panting, flustered, red. The prospect of getting caught wasn’t going to deter me, though. Not right now, at least, I dropped to my knees in front of him and quickly undid his belt, “What are you doing, baby?” he cooed, running a hand through my hair.

“I’ll be fast.” I promised, looking up at him with doe eyes. I’d never seen him from this angle before, I figured if we were already in trouble I may as well make my fantasy come true.

He didn’t object, but nodded and let a shaky breath escape his parted lips as I made quick work of his button and fly, he shimmied his jeans off of his hips and let the dense fabric fall to his ankles, I gawked at his bulge for just a moment, gasping at the size and girth presented to me at eye level. I trailed kisses up his thighs, over the fabric of his briefs and along the bony ridges of his hips, “Please, Sweetheart. Hurry before we get in trouble.”

I pulled his hardened member from the top of his briefs and quickly sunk my mouth down around him, no teasing. No taking time. I took him as far as I could before the threat of gagging sprung on me, wetting him with my tongue.

“Nngh-Fuck. You’re not so innocent as you look, huh?” he grunted softly, his voice strained, bracing himself on the ledge of the counter behind me with his hands.

I hummed around him and he bucked his hips further down my throat, saliva dripping down my chin from the sudden movement. He pulled me off of his length by my hair and cupped my face in his hands, my mouth chased his throbbing cock as he removed me, “Joel, I just want to make you feel good.”

He nodded in response, closing his eyes to try to gain composure, “You are.” he whispered, pulling me up to stand by my hands, working at the button on my shorts, yanking them down and turning me around so I was facing the vanity mirror, hands roaming around underneath my sweatshirt, grasping my breasts while I stared at the two of us in the mirror. 

“Fuck…” I whispered, looking at our crazy expressions. Lust-filled eyes, swollen lips, red cheeks.

“You’re beautiful.” he whispered, dipping his hand into my bikini bottoms, feeling my wetness while watching us in the mirror, keeping, “So wet for me.” he whispered against my neck, kissing softly.

I whimpered at the contact he made with my clit suddenly, and rolled my hips against his hand for relief, he pulled his finger away and licked my slick away, he groaned softly, “You taste like Heaven.” he bit my shoulder playfully and whispered against my skin, “You want me to fuck you? Right here, while the entire block is just outside?” 

My legs trembled at the image that flashed in my mind, and I nodded quickly.

“Use your words, Sweetheart. I need to hear you.” his hands traveled the curve of my thighs and ass, squeezing the plush flesh.

“Yes, Joel. I want you to fuck me while everybody is just outside. While it’s so easy for us to get caught, I want you to fuck me so good I can’t even remember my own name after.”

“Good girl.” he untied the rest of my bathing suit and let it drop, fully exposing my lower-half to him. Both of us were only wearing our shirts now, he trailed his fingers delicately over my skin and kept his voice low. “You have to be silent, baby. Silent.” his eyes showed concern, “Be a good girl for me and nod that you understand. Show me how silent you can be.”

I nodded once in confirmation, clenching around nothing aside from the prospect of being filled up by Joel Miller.

He kept his eyes on my face from the mirror as he pumped his hand up and down his cock a few times, readying himself for me, running the tip along my slick and pushing the tip in. “You’re so goddamn tight,” he cooed and my eyes rolled back at trying to suppress a noise that threatened to erupt from the depths of my soul at him splitting me open for him, slowly easing in centimeter by centimeter. Too tight for him not to savor the feeling of me throbbing around him.

“Joel.” I whispered, hardly audible.

“Silent.” he warned, a crazed look in his eye as he stilled his movements.

I nodded, and he wasted no more time stretching me slowly along his cock, he pushed in hard and fast the rest of the way. Watching me fall apart and lean against the counter for support.

I opened my mouth and forced myself to make no sound, grinding my hips back against his as he panted softly, stilling when he filled me to the hilt, “So good, baby. Such a good girl.” he gripped my hips hard and picked up a slow rhythm, filling me and then retreating fully. Teasing that delicate spot so deep inside my own fingers can never reach.

I whimpered softly, hardly a sound at all and he snapped his hips against my ass, “So pretty like this. Staring at yourself getting fucked by your father’s best friend. So obedient and quiet for me.” he watched us in the mirror, my face red from suppressing myself. Knuckles white against the edge of the counter.

His hand snaked around my hip to my stomach, trailing down until he found my clit, rubbing deliciously slow circles around the sensitive bud.

I couldn’t help it, the feeling of being full to the brim and the added pleasure from the sensitive spot forced me to release a moan of pure bliss, “That’s so good.” I let out, and he clamped his other hand over my mouth, shaking his head quickly and pulling out of me.

“On the floor, lay down.” he pointed to the floor and I laid on my back, he fit himself between my knees and covered my mouth again, using his other arm to support his weight above me. “Silent. This is your last warning.”

I nodded, eyes wide, boring into his serious, caramel colored irises.

He snapped his hips to mine, this new angle filling me even better, and his pace was fast, desperate, hard. He never took his hand off of my mouth the entire time he whispered praises against my neck while he bit, kissed and licked my tingling skin.

I stayed silent for him, taking in his hushed praises through heavy lids and flushed skin, My breathing hitched as I felt the waves of my orgasm begin to ripple through me.

“Cum for me, Sweetheart. I want to feel how good my cock is to you.” he pressed his hand down more firmly, a reminder of my task. Silence.

My eyes rolled back sharply as I arched into him, clenching desperately as his cock, breathing labored as my nails clutched into his hips, leaving small crescent shaped marks in his skin.

“Good girl. Good girl. Look how pretty you are when you fall apart for me.” he bit his lip as he continued his pace, riding out my high while chasing his own, and I held my breath against his hand.

It wasn’t long after mine that he began to crumble, his pace faltering, his breaths ragged as he ground his hips against mine slower and slower. Softer and softer. He pulled himself out of my throbbing pussy and let his warmth burst out over my thigh.

Finally removing his hand from my mouth I clutched the fabric of his shirt desperately, pressing his lips to mine. He grunted against my lips; a satisfied, unconscious noise. When he pulled away and pressed his forehead against mine, I could only imagine the expression I was making for him. Fucked out, touched out, desperate to take him again. Properly, not on the bathroom floor while a party raged on around us outside.

As if having the same thought, he cleaned me up with a washcloth from the linen closet and slipped into his jeans, buckling the belt. “Go to your room and wait a few minutes. Don’t wanna look suspicious.” he shrugged.

“Right.” I nodded, scrambling for my shorts and grabbing the bikini bottoms from the floor, only bothering to put the shorts on before pushing the door open and hurrying to the stairwell.

“Wait.” Joel’s voice was a harsh whisper, and I turned to face him, “Let’s do this properly next time.” He suggested, “Not in a bathroom.”

I nodded once before running up the steps, feeling empty now that he wasn’t buried inside of me but knew time was of the essence right now. I figured I’d make up some excuse about being clumsy and spilling a drink or food on my outfit and that’s what took me so long inside, fabricating a lie I’d hold onto forever if I had to. Ensuring that nobody would ever find out about the questionable dynamic of Joel and my now extremely complicated relationship. 

When I returned outside around ten minutes later, I was thankful nobody batted an eye. Nobody missed me, and Joel was making himself busy at the snack table, popping a pretzel in his mouth and chewing with a knowing, cocky smile on his face.

“There’s my girl.” my dad’s voice cut through the yard and I snapped my attention to him before I could fall apart looking into the eyes of his best friend.

[redfurrycat]

💕🤠🎭🐓💕Fake/Pretend Relationship Fic Recs💕🐓🎭🤠💕

Check the Top Gun Masterlist post for the latest updated version. 💕

Ao3 Authors: Alltherecklesshours, AnadoraBlack, Bahjrc, Bottledyarn, Burglarbilbo, Chase_acow, Coconutcordiale, Earthangel_44, Estelle, FabuMazX, FlowersOnMyMind, Fuddlewuddle, Greatea, Greenstuff, Halestrom, Hangmanbradshaw, Haridwar, Imafriendlydalek, Lawrussoauto, Lookingoodsugar, Lovelybattle, Miraculousmultifan, NeverwinterThistle, Nightwrite24, Orphan_account, Ravens_Words, ReformedTsundere, ReformedTsunderePodfics, Renai_chan, Road1985, Soisserieux, Thegeckbros, ToukoJalorda003, Trinipedia, Viridimessorem, Writerofthelorde, Writteninwaves.

Hangster Marriage Fic Recs

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Pulling his gaze away from over Hangman’s shoulder, Rooster backed himself against the wall, pulling Hangman with him until he murmured desperately, his gaze still flicking to the side, “Kiss me. Please.” *** Rooster needs to hide from an old ex, and who better to back him against a wall and kiss him stupid than Jake “Hangman” Seresin? Pulling his gaze away from over Hangman’s shoulder, Rooster backed himself against the wall, pulling Hangman with him until he murmured desperately, his gaze still flicking to the side, “Kiss me. Please.” *** Rooster needs to hide from an old ex, and who better to back him against a wall and kiss him stupid than Jake “Hangman” Seresin?

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Pretending to be Hangman's boyfriend for a weekend? No problem at all. There aren't any feelings involved whatsoever. Of course not. Spoiler alert: There are feelings involved, and they are idiots about it.

like shooting stars by bottledyarn {T}

“Well," the gate agent said. "Only uniformed military members and their spouses can board priority, but—” “That works out,” Bradshaw said, his voice tinny and distant in Jake's ringing ears. “Because this is my fiancé.” If Jake hadn’t been able to choke down a piece of toast this morning, he thought he might be light-headed enough to just pass out right then and there. -- Jake is trying to fly home for Thanksgiving and not have a panic attack on the airplane. Bradley is trying to skip town and spend the holiday in a mountain cabin to distract from another Thanksgiving alone. Between the two of them, they might both get where they need to go.

Bad Idea by lovelybattle {E}

“I told my parents I’m bringing a guy that I’ve been dating home with me to get them off my back,” Jake said, and Phoenix’s eyebrows furrowed. “Let me guess, you haven’t been dating anyone and you don’t have anyone to bring.” Phoenix said, setting her drink down and folding her arms on the table.

Rack 'Em Up, Big Blonde by Earthangel_44 {E}

Bradley becomes a regular at a Hooters to spend three hours with a blonde server with an unfortunate taste in football teams. Along the way, Bradley might have developed feelings. AKA: Jake is a Hooter's girl and Bradley is his regular. (Podficced by ReformedTsunderePodfics)

Sereshaw Celebrity AU by lawrussoauto

a little goes a long way {G}

‘Rumours that the co-workers could be developing a romance have been circulating since Jake starred in Bradley’s hit movie; House of the Rising Sun.' - Or, the public are convinced Jake and Bradley are dating.

in plain sight {T}

A collection of oneshots set in the "a little goes a long way" AU.

Sell It by Renai_chan {T}

There are some fights you just can't fly your way out of. Sometimes you need a wingman to help you. When Jake gets hit on by a girl he can't turn down, Bradley comes to his rescue.

I’ll Be Yours for Christmas (if only in my dreams) by greenstuff {E}

After the mission, Bradley tells Jake that his mom thinks they’re dating and, against his better judgement, Jake agrees to go along with it for Christmas. Shameless fake dating holiday fluff set in a world where Carole didn’t die but everything else in canon happened.

I'll Be Home for Christmas (And I'll be Making it Your Problem) by ReformedTsundere {T}

Javy is scrolling past their local college's "Personals" page, seeing if they can find students they know enough to make harmless jokes at, when an apparent ad stops them both. Rent-A-Boyfriend Need someone to take home for the holidays? Not looking forward to being sat around the table and made to play nice? I'm a 26-year-old Navy brat with more piercings, tattoos, and trauma than sense. Polisci and Engineering double major who is running on caffeine (but can make it seem like I've got a drug problem). I ride a motorcycle for fun, have what can only be described as a "pornstache," and am unapologetically queer. I can and will, without trying, make any conservative parent wish they'd never picked up the phone to make you come home and have a blast doing it.

we met in the winter (and we fell in love) by haridwar {T}

The Twelve Days of Leave by orphan_account {T}

When Bradley made plans to meet his godfather for the holidays, the last thing he expected was to get marooned in an airport en route... When Jake had to rush home for a family emergency, the last thing he expected was to run into a fellow fighter pilot on the way... Now that the two former-rivals had joined up to spend Christmas in Jake's home town, would unexpected sparks fly? Or would they crash and burn? :::OR::: A fun, fluffy holiday romp with a pinch of angst, a dash of cheer, and a sprig of holly, all wrapped in a big red bow.

This Is My Seat by Writerofthelorde {M}

Jake, who is secretly very much into him, likes to annoy Bradley by sitting on his lap whenever he gets a chance. But then one day at the hard deck a guy Bradley knows -somewhat of an ex- walks in and claims that he's in his seat. And then, much to Jake's surprise, Bradley announces that actually, Hangman is his boyfriend.

do you feel the same (or was it just for fun) by burglarbilbo {E}

Jake wants to run his fingers through his beautiful hair, wants to reach out and touch him. Instead, he says: “You were the first boy I ever liked,” without thinking. He can’t tear his eyes away from Bradley’s face. With the dim moonlight coming through the large window, his features are soft, his eyes bright. “Seresin, you need to go to sleep,” Bradley says, not meeting his gaze. “Back at the academy. I thought… I dunno…I think I might have loved you then.” "Goodnight, Hangman." - in which jake needs a date to his brother's wedding and bradley is willing. what could go wrong? plus, throw in jake's toxic ex-girlfriend, his repressed sexuality, and his and bradley's shared history.

Sail on, on a distant highway, yeah by NeverwinterThistle {M}

I’m getting married, Maverick’s message says. Call me when you can.

I Don't Wanna Live Through This Comedown - Top Gun AU [Jake "Hangman" Seresin/Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw] by Road1985, trinipedia {E}

Meet Bradley, a struggling musician working at a strip club to cover medical expenses. Then meet Jake, who joined the Army in a desperate attempt to atone for his muddy past of drug abuse and get back the respect of his family. They couldn't be more different, but their needs are the same, so they agree to marry solely for military benefits. However, when tragedy strikes, the line between real and pretend begins to blur.

house of cards by bahjrc {M}

“Lieutenant, get in the car.” “Is that a request or an order?” Their lives are fickle like a house of cards, a balancing act through and through of life, death, sunrises and sunsets. Chasing after each other and coming around near misses, Rooster's life has been a roundabout of victories and losses up till now but he can't say it's been bad, when everything seems to fall into place after so long. However, all it takes is one misstep for everything to come crumbling down. Or, well, one bitter ex and a dramatic meeting, so it seems. Rooster finds out he doesn't mind going the extra mile to help Hangman out of something stupid, he owes him his life, after all. If Hangman minds, well, then that's a him problem, really.

Baby You Look Good by soisserieux {_}

He finds his name and desk number and heads in the direction of his seat, only to stop short when he sees the guy in the other chair.  The guy is sitting there comfortably, with all of his shit unpacked, like he’s been there for a while. He’s got this old-looking Hawaiian print shirt on, and this mustache that looks like it came straight out of a trashy porno. And the worst part is, Jake can’t tear his eyes away. It’s like everything else happening in the lab suddenly came to a screeching halt, and he can’t do anything but stare at this guy.  The spell is finally broken when the guy looks up at him. “Do you need something? Or…” Jake regains his composure and plasters a well-practiced cocky smile on his face. “Well, if you don’t mind, I need you to help me pass this damn class… Partner.” It’s kind of dumb and Jake almost wishes he didn’t say it, but it’s too late to take it back now. He’s stuck with it, just like he’s stuck with this guy as his lab partner. Fate has spoken.  One of the guy’s eyebrows shoots up. “You’re my lab partner?” Jake sets his stuff down and sits down in the open chair, sidling up next to his new partner. “Lucky for you.”

If you need to believe in someone just pretend it's me by alltherecklesshours {T}

“Fair enough. So, if it’s not to hide a body, what is it?” One deep breath before the plunge. “I need you to be my boyfriend for a weekend,” he said and, if he wasn’t so nervous, he would have probably laughed at the way Rooster froze and his jaw dropped the smallest amount before he was shaking his head and clearing his throat. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I thought I heard you saying you needed me to be your boyfriend for the weekend,” Rooster sounded incredulous. Jake only rolled his eyes and ignored his heart pounding in his chest. “That was exactly what I said. Do keep up, Rooster.” - or: Jake's mom is getting married and he needs to keep his ex (and his sisters) off his back. Bradley is, obviously, his best shot.

you don't kiss me like a friend by haridwar {T}

Jake went back to join the party, seemingly indifferent, like their meeting was barely a blip on his radar in the grand scheme of things. Or, so Bradley had thought based off of the signals he had been picking up on at the time. His sudden and emphatic education into how far his assumptions had misled him, that was what started with a phone call in the middle of the night.

there's money for the taking (and the happiness we all deserve) by thegeckbros {E}

“So, what, one of the richest dudes in New York wants to be your sugar daddy?” “Kinda?” Jake sits back up, straightening up and turning his body towards Javy. “He doesn’t want like sex or anything. He just needs someone to pretend to date so his uncle and PR team get off his back about his reputation.” Or a sugar daddy au in which jake is a struggling law student, bradley's a billionaire, and they weave a tangled web

Say you'll be my darling by FlowersOnMyMind {E}

Rooster and Hangman have to go undercover as a married couple in this Mission Impossible AU fic. Feelings happen.

Formula 1: Deceive to Achieve by greenstuff {E}

When new teammates, Jake and Bradley, agree to pretend they’re in a committed relationship to land a sponsorship deal, they probably should have factored in the possibility they might fall for their own lies.

no road home by writteninwaves {M}

"In the end, maybe it’s all worth it. If all the flight paths end up here…. Well. All things considered, it’s not such a bad way to go. At least he’ll be saving someone else." Jake flies the mission as Dagger 1. Jake doesn't have anyone waiting on him to come home. The man he loves doesn't love him back. He thinks no one else would care as much if he goes. Maybe in the end it'll all be okay, he's the only expendable one anyway. So Jake takes the hit, and goes down. But Bradley Bradshaw doesn't let him go alone and comes back for him. This is a story of one self-sacrificial dumbass called Jake Seresin and how Jake learns to ask for help, understands he's not alone, and how he manages to find something to call his own along the way.

wreck my plans (that's my man) by Ravens_Words {T}

Fake dating turns into a fake engagement, which then snowballs into a fake (almost) wedding.

IWTBY Verse by hangmanbradshaw {E}

I want to brainwash you into loving me forever

“So…this is fucking weird and I have no clue what to say here.” Bradley smiled warmly and leaned his forearms against the table. “Don’t worry, Mav already filled me in, and I’ll do it.” Jake blinked. “You’ll do it?” “Yeah.” Bradley sat back with a nod. “You want to come out, right? If us appearing to be in a stable relationship will help, then I’m in.” Or, Jake Seresin has it all- fame, money, a NFL MVP trophy, a Super Bowl appearance, a lonely house, and a problem. He wants to come out on his own terms. Enter Bradley Bradshaw, the solution to said problem, or maybe, the beginning of a new problem. After all, you don't fall in love with your fake boyfriend. aka the Fake Dating NFL AU

you're all i can think of these days by haridwar {T}

Jake and Mav's no good very bad week and Bradley's efforts to save them

The Christmas Wedding Date by imafriendlydalek {E}

Bradley knows it’s a terrible idea, even as he’s agreeing to it. Sure, things between him and Jake are better now since the mission, but the bar for that was so low it was practically on the ground. Just because things are “better,” just because Hangman saved his life, just because they had a long talk about what happened in the past—a talk that maybe ended with some rather hurried but incredibly satisfying blowjobs in a bunk on an aircraft carrier and them then texting each other all of twice before today—doesn’t mean that this is a good idea. Spending a whole long weekend together, over Christmas no less? At Jake’s sister’s wedding? Pretending to be his boyfriend? A terrible idea. Still, Bradley has been known for making ill-advised decisions when it comes to one Jacob Seresin, and today is no different. “Yeah, alright,” he hears himself say. Can even hear the smile on his face. “Guess I should iron my suit, huh?” It earns him a laugh from Jake, gravelly and delighted. “Oh no, darlin’. This is an event for dress blues.”

Et Cetera by nightwrite24 {M}

Jake and Bradley, fake dating AU. Two idiots falling for each other.

Make the Yuletide Gay by imafriendlydalek {G}

Mav is looking over Ice’s left shoulder, toward Seresin and Bradshaw, as he says, “The kids seem to be getting along. Is this your doing?” Ice smiles down at him, and maybe it’s just the holidays, or the champagne, or it’s because his doctors recently declared him cancer-free, or because Maverick has finally moved in officially now that he has come to terms with not flying anymore. Whatever it is, it’s making Ice’s heart feel like it could burst with how inordinately fond he is of this man. “I was barely involved. All I did was give them a little nudge out the door.” Mav arches an eyebrow. “Sure thing, Gandalf.” *** Hangman and Rooster, as observed by Iceman, with a special appearance by Bob, a facetious yet observant little shit.

Family Cabin by viridimessorem {T}

If you'd told Jake in October of 2018 that he'd, in the future, end up introducing Bradley Bradshaw to his family as his boyfriend, he'd have, for one, punched you, for another, laughed his ass off because that would never happen. And yet, it had.

my heart is a christmas tree farm by greatea {E}

It's not like going to your ex-boyfriend's family Christmas while pretending to still be dating is a common favor to be asked for. But he did agree to this, when Jake phoned him up. It hadn't even taken much convincing. First, Jake had expected an immediate no when he called Bradley one Thursday evening. That didn't come. After Jake explained the situation, Bradley had said that he'd think about it. He called back an hour later. Jake's unsure what he would have done if Bradley had said no. Called his mom back and said, "Hey, do you remember when you asked me if I was bringing my boyfriend Bradley to Christmas this year, and I said yes? Yeah, we broke up two months ago and I lied for no reason"?

Cockblock by halestrom {E}

Bradley was sure the universe had it out for him. It was the only reason he could think of where he ended up in a situation where he had to fake date Jake 'Hangman' Seresin for the good for the US Navy. And he would be damned if someone thought Hangman was a better boyfriend than him.

Anyone But You by FabuMazX {M}

A one-night stand and several misunderstandings take Bradley and Jake's first meeting from a fairytale romance to a bitter feud. Good thing they never have to see each other again. Until their best friends get married and drag them across the world to celebrate together. Now they just have to get through the wedding without killing each other. Easy. Sure…so, so easy. “Look, lets just keep it civil for them, okay.” “Well, she’s your friend. I’m sure the relationship won’t last long.” “He’s your brother, I’m amazed they’re even together.” “And when it all falls through, I’m gonna drink to never seeing you again.” “Cheers to that, bro.”

dancing in convertibles by coconutcordiale {M}

“He’s not that great,” Jake mumbles. “You’re only saying that ‘cause he’s your ex,” Charlotte accuses, but it’s without malice. He thinks. “I’m really not.” It’s not a lie, since they never actually dated, but it’s not like he’s going to admit that out loud. + aka the hotel staff au

i heard from the heavens by lookingoodsugar {G}

Bradley turns around to find himself face to face with Lieutenant Jake Seresin, in all his magazine cut-out, All-American boy glory. Jake winks at Bradley. 'Jake!' Dickie says, excitedly, making grabby hands at him, 'Why didn't you tell me you and Rooster were a thing!' 'Quite recent business,’ Jake says, sounding not at all like he’s lying out of his ass. ‘We’re keeping it low-key. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?' Bradley attends an old friend's wedding, he finds an unexpected guest, and a misunderstanding leads to a realisation.

he's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind by hangmanbradshaw {E}

Jake is absolutely not going to spend his summer vacation alone at his family's beach house with his ex boyfriend and said ex's new boyfriend. Bradley needs a place to stay for the summer. Faking a relationship solves both their problems, until it creates a new problem when they start to fall for their own ruse. Unless it ends up not being a problem at all. Or Jake's a trust fund, tennis star at Vanderbilt. Bradley's an orphaned baseball star on scholarship. Their worlds are very different, but all they need is three months in Rhode Island to build a new one together.

[hockey-fics]

Next Summer ~ Brock Boeser 

Summary: The summers spent at your family’s cabin were some of your favourite memories. When you return as an adult you discover that maybe not everything from the past was really left in the past. 

Word Count: ~5,300

Warnings: Drinking, implied smut (I guess, but it’s very fleeting and vague)

Traditions didn’t hold a huge place in your life growing up. Every Christmas you bounced from one relative’s home to another. Thanksgiving dinners almost never looked the same. Cousins and aunts and uncles would come and go, years of family dinners and holiday gatherings would go by before you would see them again. 

But there was always one thing that you looked forward to each and every year. Every summer, for two and a half months, you would drive down from your home in the suburbs to the cabin on the lake. You would get to forget about school and homework and bedtimes. You would spend all day out in the summer sun, sticky with sunscreen and bug spray. 

Your family wasn’t the only one. Each of those cabins along that shoreline would come alive. The quiet beaches would fill with children, adults on decks drinking a few hours before it became socially acceptable anywhere else. Dark nights would be brightened by campfires and beams from unsteady flashlights, held onto by kids who should have been in bed long ago. 

There was a sense of peace that was brought on by that property. Time moved slower, everyone seemed happier, things felt easier. But as time went on you started spending less and less time out there. You went away to university. You became busy with internships and jobs and leases that didn’t end for the few months of summer. 

But eventually the property lost the interest of your parents. With no children at home, familiar friends who once had cabins up there selling them off, the time and energy and money to take care of it no longer seemed to be worth it. You yourself hadn’t been there in a couple years, though the memories were as vivid as always. So when the option of them gifting the property to you came up it took little consideration for you to say yes. 

After packing your car full of essentials you headed up to the cabin shortly after the exchange of ownership. When you pull up to the familiar cabin there’s a sense of ease that washes over you, even now that you had a truckload of responsibility to go with coming up here. 

Hoping out of the car you bring everything inside, the memories flooding in. After putting your groceries in the kitchen, sheets on the bed, and pulling the patio couch cushions out you head out onto the deck to enjoy the fresh air and slight breeze rolling in off the lake. 

A few minutes after flopping down onto the patio furniture you’re greeted by a big white dog, tail wagging crazily as he stares up at you. 

“Hey buddy,” you say, reaching over and scratching him behind the ear. “Where did you come from?”

“Milo.”

Tipping your head up you look in the direction of the man calling for who you would guess to be the dog that was standing in front of you. Standing up you walk towards the edge of your deck, the dog following after you, nose nudging at your hand. “I think-,” you begin, freezing when you notice who was standing in the yard next to you. “Oh my god,” you laugh, hurrying down the stairs. “You’re still around, hey?”

You grew up with Brock. At least for two months of the year every summer. You were the same age and his family owned the property next door. The crush you had on Brock spanned from early in your life right up till the last summer you spent together right after high school graduation. 

“Holy shit,” Brock comments, shaking his head. He has his arms around you as soon as you’re close enough for him to reach you. “Of course I’m still around, I’m out here every summer. You’re the one who vanished.”

Pulling back you look up at Brock, shaking your head. “Sorry, we don’t all have an off-season.”

“I guess you’ve got a point,” Brock chuckles. “Just out here for the weekend then?”

“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” you admit. “The place is mine now and I work remotely so I guess I could be out here as long as I want but I don’t know, it feels weird to think about being here that long again.”

“Yours, hey?” Brock states, glancing behind you at the house. “Are your parents okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” you assure him. “Just not as interested in getting drunk on the lake everyday of the summer anymore.”

Brock laughs, glancing out at the lake before turning his attention back to you. “Well I’m glad it’s yours now, wouldn’t want to see anyone else here.”

You couldn’t deny the way he still managed to fill your stomach with butterflies, even all these years. “Me too,” you say, voice quiet. Glancing down you pet the dog again that had still not left your side. 

“I see you’ve met Milo,” Brock comments, glancing over his shoulder and pointing to the second dog that was laying under the shade of a tree. “That one’s Coolie.”

“They’re very cute,” you tell him, smiling down at Milo. “How long are you up here for?”

Brock shrugs, like time didn’t mean anything to him. “Till sometime in August.”

“So I guess we have plenty of time to catch up then.”

“Absolutely,” Brock says with a smile. “You want to come over for a drink or something?”

“I’d be down for a drink.”

You follow Brock across the yard and onto the deck, accepting the can of cider he offers before sitting down on the soft cushions of one of the patio cushions. “So, what’s new in your life?”

Brock shrugs, flopping down onto the patio sectional, Milo joining him seconds later. “Not too much, I guess. Just been in Vancouver for the last while playing for the Canucks.”

You can’t help but laugh at his comment. “Well I know that much, can’t exactly stay under the radar as a professional athlete.”

“I guess,” Brock chuckles. “What about you though, you seem to be staying under the radar pretty well.”

“Gotta keep a little mystery…or my life just isn’t that exciting, I don’t know. I got my degree, moved back to Minnesota and now I’m just working from home…living the life, really,” you joke. 

“I can’t imagine you not making life exciting.”

Rolling your eyes playfully you take a sip of your drink. “Why’s that? Because I used to steal my parent’s alcohol and try to convince everyone to go swimming in the middle of the night?”

“Well that was pretty exciting back then,” Brock laughs. 

“Are you out here alone?” you ask, looking towards the cabin. It was pretty quiet for anyone else to be here but you almost couldn’t imagine Brock ever being alone. 

“Yeah, for now,” Brock nods. “My, um, my mom doesn’t really come up very much anymore.”

“Right,” you say quietly. You hadn’t talked to Brock in a very long time, but that didn’t mean you didn’t know anything about his life, including his father. 

“I have a few friends coming up in a few days though,” Brock tells you, his inflection rising, an obvious attempt to change the topic. 

“Uh oh,” you joke with a playful smile. “Sounds like trouble.”

“Hey, now, I’ve never been trouble,” Brock defends, laughing under his breath. 

“I don’t know about that one,” you tease. 

The two of you sit on Brock’s deck, drink after drink as you exchanged stories from the nearly 10 years since the last time you saw each other. You didn’t even realize how long had passed or how late it had gotten till the sun was beginning to set and you realized your mind was hazy from the alcohol. 

“I guess I should get going, don’t want to overstay my welcome,” you say, finishing off the last of the drink you had in your hand. 

“You never could,” Brock tells you, taking the empty can from your hand as you stand up. “But I won’t hold you here either.”

“I appreciate that,” you laugh, glancing back to your cabin. “I should probably go figure out dinner though.”

“Fair enough,” Brock chuckles. “See you tomorrow?”

“I’m sure you will,” you tell him, heading down the steps of the deck and back over to your own house. 

After making yourself a late dinner you head to bed, your mind unable to think of much more than Brock. It was clear that your feelings for him hadn’t entirely disappeared. But eventually you manage to clear your mind enough to fall asleep, sleeping peacefully through the night till the sun shining through the blinds in your room wakes you up. 

You make yourself some breakfast before dragging your laptop out onto the deck with your mug of coffee to get some work done for the day. It’s not long before your attention is broken by the sound of Brock’s voice, calling after his dogs as they run out the door and towards the lake. 

Smiling you watch the dogs for a few minutes as they splash around in the shallow water of the lake. When you look away from them you see Brock looking in your direction, raising his hand in a friendly wave. 

“Morning,” you call to him, sitting up straighter to look over the edge of the patio railing as Brock comes closer. 

“How was your first night back out here?”

“It was great,” you tell him. “Do you want some coffee?”

Brock’s eyes shift to your laptop before looking back at you. “I don’t want to interrupt you if you’re working.”

Shrugging you push yourself away from the table to stand up. “I’ve been missing the interruptions you get working in an office anyway,” you tell him with a smile. “Do you want anything in it?”

“Some cream if you have it.” Brock makes his way up the steps of the deck, sitting down at the table across from you as you return with a mug of coffee for him. “Got any plans for after work?”

“Not really,” you tell him, sitting back down and looking over your laptop at him. 

“I just bought a couple stand-up paddle boards a few weeks ago. Would you want to come test them out with me?”

“As long as you promise not to laugh at me when I fall off.”

“I promise,” Brock chuckles. “You can get back to your work if you want, I don’t want to distract you.”

“Hard not to be distracted by you,” you tell him, a playful smile on your lips. 

“Well I’m always happy to be your distraction.”

After Brock finishes his coffee he heads back to his own place, giving you a chance to actually get some uninterrupted work time in. It’s nearly 5 when you wrap up everything you had to finish for the day. Changing out of the pyjamas you had spent the better half of the day in you tug a pair of shorts over a bikini, heading across the yard to Brock’s place. 

With the garage door wide open you step into it, watching Brock doing kettlebell swings. 

“Enjoying the view?” Brock asks, looking at you through the mirror when he finishes up his set. 

“Well I can’t say I’m not enjoying it,” you tell him, glancing around the garage turned gym. “This is pretty impressive, I remember when this place was filled with bikes and beach toys.”

Brock turns around to face you, wiping a layer of sweat from his forehead. “I needed to have something out here to train if I want to spend this long out here.”

“Makes sense. Well, I can get out of here to stop distracting you, when did you want to go out on the paddle boards?”

“I’m just finishing up here, I’ll probably go have a shower before we head out.”

“Do I get to enjoy that view too?” you joke. 

Brock chuckles, reaching down to pick up the kettlebell again. “I wouldn’t stop you.”

Shaking your head you take a step out of the garage. “I’ll meet you down at the beach when you’re ready.”

“Okay, see you in a bit,” Brock says as you head out of the garage. 

Finding a beach towel you head out onto the end of the dock that was connected to your yard, laying it out and shimmying out of your shorts. Laying down on your stomach you rest your head on your arms, enjoying the way the sun felt like a warm blanket cloaked over your body. 

It’s not long before you hear Brock calling your name and you roll onto your back, looking down to the end of the dock. 

“Ready to go?” Brock calls. 

Collecting your things from the dock you hurry down to meet Brock, following him to grab the paddle boards before heading to the edge of the lake. The water is surprisingly warm for July and you climb onto your paddle board with a shocking amount of ease. 

After steadying yourself the two of you begin to paddle along the shoreline, your conversation falling to quick comments here and there as you focus intensely on keeping yourself upright. By the time you make it back to the section of the lake in front of your house you’re more than ready to follow Brock’s lead and sit down on the board, floating easily on the still water. 

“You’re pretty good at this,” Brock tells you. 

Your legs are crossed in front of you, arms behind you on the board as you lean back into them. “Guess my balance is better than I expected.”

“I’m kind of disappointed I didn’t get to see you fall in.”

“Oh, you want to see me get wet?” you joke.

“I-I, that’t…well, I mean, I-,” Brock stammers, shaking his head as he gives up on his sentence. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” you tease, giggling as you stretch your legs out in front of you. “What are your plans for tonight?”

Brock hesitates for a second, eyes narrowing. “Are you hinting at something?”

It takes you a moment to realize what was going on, reaching down and running your hand through the lake to splash Brock. “No,” you laugh, shaking your head. “I was going to see if you wanted to come over for dinner.”

“Oh,” Brock laughs, eyes diverting down to the surface of the lake, cheeks flushing red. “Yeah, dinner sounds great.”

After putting the paddle boards away you and Brock head over to your place, digging through the kitchen to try to figure out what to make for dinner. You hadn’t really thought through your plan, inviting Brock over before you even know what you would make for dinner. 

“You’ve been in the fridge for awhile,” Brock comments, sitting at the bar counter on the other side of the kitchen, watching you curiously. 

Sighing you turn around, shutting the door behind you. “I don’t actually know what to make,” you admit. 

“I can tell,” Brock laughs. “What are the options?”

“Whatever is in the fridge,” you tell him, gesturing to it. 

Brock slides off the stool, walking across the kitchen to pull the fridge open. His eyes scan the shelves for a few minutes before slowly turning towards you. “Do you need me to go to the grocery store for you tomorrow or something?”

Rolling your eyes you push yourself between Brock and the fridge, your back pressing against him as you join him in staring into the nearly empty fridge. “Look, I know it’s bad but I didn’t plan to stay more than a night or two.”

“And were you planning on only eating eggs and spinach for three days?”

“Maybe,” you hum. “I didn’t plan to have dinner guests I would need to impress.”

“You don’t need to impress me,” Brock whispers, his hands falling to your hips. “Now will you agree to come have dinner at my place instead?”

Your mind tunes in to the feeling of Brock’s hands on your body, your heart hammering heavily in your chest. While you were so caught up in your thoughts you realized you hadn’t answered the question within a length of time that was even remotely normal. “Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds good.”

Brock steps back, his hands falling from your hips and leaving your body longing for more. Sighing to yourself you fish a bottle of wine out from otherwise bare fridge, hurrying after Brock. 

It’s not long before you’re standing next to Brock, a glass of white wine in your hand while you watch him barbecue a couple steaks. “Was inviting me over just a scheme to get me to feel bad for you and cook you dinner?”

“I wish I was that calculated.” Bringing your glass to your lips you take a small sip, gravitating a little closer to Brock. “I like how this worked out though.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you do,” Brock teases, reaching over and wrapping his arm around your waist, tugging you into his side. 

You let out a shaky breath, fingers clutching tighter onto your wine glass. With your heart racing you try to act natural, like your stomach wasn’t absolutely alive with butterflies, like your thoughts weren’t racing a million miles an hour about nothing but Brock. 

“You okay?” Brock asks, the smirk on his face was enough to tell you that he knew exactly what he was doing to you. 

“Fuck off,” you laugh, shaking your head. “You’re so used to this aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?” Brock laughs, eyebrows furrowed as he looks away from the barbecue to turn his attention to you. 

“Tall, handsome hockey player who can get women to absolutely fall apart like it’s nothing,” you tease. 

“I’m not that tall,” Brock comments, pulling the steak off the barbecue. 

“Oh, but you know how handsome you are.” 

Brock gives you a simple shrug, chuckling as he picks up the plate of steak, letting you go to head back inside. Rolling your eyes you follow Brock back into the house, refilling your wine glass before leaning against the counter. 

“I’m actually surprised you don’t have a girlfriend,” you comment, watching Brock plate up the steak and salad the two of you had made earlier. 

“Why’s that?” Brock asks, setting the plates down on the table next to the large window that overlooks the lake. 

“I just told you why outside, you just want to hear me talk about how great you are,” you joke, sitting down at the table across from Brock. 

“Well I could say the same thing about you,” Brock retorts, switching the conversation around onto you. 

“Because I’m a tall, handsome hockey player?” you joke, taking another drink from your wine. 

Brock shakes his head with a breath of laughter. “Seriously, weren’t you with someone for quite awhile?” 

Nodding slowly you inhale deeply, polishing off what was left in your glass of wine. 

“That bad, hey?” Brock asks, reaching for the bottle of wine to refill your glass. 

“No…I mean, yeah, I guess, I don’t know,” you sigh, picking up your newly refilled glass. “We were together for three years in university.”

Brock nods, taking a bite of his dinner, evidently waiting for you to continue to fill in the details of your vague story. 

“It wasn’t a big deal,” you assure him with a breath of laughter. “I’m just glad it ended when it did.”

“For what it’s worth I’m pretty glad it ended as well.”

Scoffing you raise your eyebrows, shaking your head. “Why?” you ask, already well aware of why. 

“Well I don’t think I’d get to be sitting here having dinner with you right now if you were still with him.”

Tipping your head to the side you gaze across the table, a soft smile on your lips. “Does that mean there’s something more than friendly happening here, Brock?”

“I’ve had some more than friendly thoughts,” Brock admits. 

You can feel your cheeks reddening, looking down at the table. “Oh,” you mutter. 

“Sorry, I, was that too much or-.”

“No, no,” you interrupt, breathing out a nervous laugh. “Just, um, been awhile since I’ve flirted with anyone.”

“There’s no way that’s true.”

“Yes it is,” you exclaim, laughing quietly. “I honestly don’t meet a lot of new people and I don’t usually make it a habit of flirting with my friends.”

“I’m glad you made an exception.”

Laughing softly you pick up your glass of wine, taking another sip, enjoying the warm buzz the alcohol was filling you with. “Me too,” you whisper as you set it down, gazing over at Brock. 

Finally you two finish the dinner that had been nearly forgotten amidst the conversation. After the dishes are done you head out onto the deck to continue your conversation. Before long the sun is set and the bottle of wine is empty. After another goodbye that you know won’t be for long you head back to your own house, falling asleep easily to the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore through the open window. 

The next few days leading up to the weekend feel busier than any days you had in a long time. After work you would join Brock for some activity or another. A trip into town to properly stock your fridge. An evening on the boat. More paddle boarding and kayaking and even partaking in a couple sessions in Brock’s home gym. 

And before you knew it you had finished up your work from the week, time seeming to be flying by now that you were spending it with Brock. 

Friday night. You hadn’t expected your Fridays to remain as exciting after leaving the city. But you also didn’t expect to be spending it with Brock and a handful of his friends. 

“Still impressed with your Spikeball skills, to be honest,” Jack says, standing next to you by the fire, a bottle of beer in his hand. You had spent the afternoon fighting to keep up in many competitive rounds of Spikeball on the beach, something you did better than even you had expected you would do. 

“I’m kind of offended by how much you underestimated me,” you laugh. Lifting your red solo cup filled with tequila and grapefruit soda wincing at the flavour, the ratio of tequila to mixer so off it would make a bartender cry. 

“Sorry, I promise I won’t do it again,” Jack chuckles. “I’ll make sure we’re always on the same team from now on.”

“Good,” you say, extending your hand to shake his on the agreement. “We can be a power duo.”

“Power couple,” Jack comments with a smirk. 

Rolling your eyes playfully you take another gulp of your drink. “Pretty bold of you.”

“What can I say? I’m a bold guy.”

Before you can get another comment in you feel a hand run along your lower back, stopping on your waist. With a slight flinch you turn your head, body relaxing when you realize it was Brock, though you were still a little surprised by the physical contact. Brock places his fingers under your chin, tipping your head back so you were looking up at him. You don’t even have time to process what’s happening before he’s pressing a soft and quick kiss to your lips. 

“H-hi,” you stammer, voice soft as your cheeks redden. “What, um, what’s going on?”

“Just coming to check on you,” Brock whispers. 

“Shit, sorry man,” Jack mutters to Brock, nervous eyes shifting back to the fire you were all standing around. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Brock tells him dismissively. “Want to come with me to get another drink?” Brock asks you. 

With a quick nod you let Brock take your hand in his, guiding you around the fire and up into the quiet cabin. 

“Okay, what the fuck was that, Brock?” you exclaim, now in the privacy of the kitchen. 

“I-,” Brock begins, shaking his head. “Have I been reading this wrong? I thought…I thought…haven’t we been flirting since you got here?”

“I mean, yes,” you exhale. “But what the fuck was that? Why’d you choose that moment to kiss me?”

“I’m sorry,” Brock mumbles, swallowing heavily. “But you two were flirting and I didn’t want to lose you and I-.”

“I wasn’t flirting with him.” Stepping closer you reach up, your hands on either side of Brock’s face. “You have to trust that I would never do anything with your friends.” Rolling forward onto your toes you lean closer to Brock, your lips brushing against his. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Brock mutters before kissing you again. It’s longer this time, your lips moving with his as you wrap one arm around his shoulders. Brock runs one hand around your back, tugging your body closer as his tongue brushes against yours. He’s pushing you against the kitchen counter a second later, your head spinning with the mix of overwhelming emotions and the effects of the tequila. 

A strangled moan emanates from your throat just before you hear the crashing of the cabin door closing. Pulling back from Brock you stare up at him with a guilty smile, as if you were still just a couple teenagers sneaking around at the summer cabin. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Sam declares, taking a step back towards the door. 

“No, no, you’re good,” you assure him. “We were just, um, about to head back out.”

“Were we?” Brock asks, voice quiet as he places his hands on your hips, pulling your back into his chest. 

With a quiet giggle you tip your head back, looking up at Brock. “We can pick his back up later,” you assure him. 

Back outside you let Brock pull you onto his lap on one of the chairs around the fire. You knew it was some drunken, misplaced desire to exert the fact that there was indeed something happening between the two of you that was more than just friendly. 

The rest of the night is spent in loud conversations, rambunctious laughter echoing off the still lake. By the time the night is over and people begin trickling off to head inside you’re more than ready to have some time alone with Brock.

“I’m going to head home now, want to walk over there with me?” you ask Brock before standing up.

“Yeah, of course,” Brock replies taking your hand and walking back to your cabin. 

Inside you take Brock’s other hand, tugging him closer. “Do you want to spend the night here?” 

“Yes,” Brock replies quickly before pressing his lips to yours again, kissing you with an eagerness that you quickly matched. 

Before long the two of you had stumbled your way up to your room, the silence of the cabin being interrupted by the sounds of your moans.

Laying breathlessly next to Brock, your body flushed and tired, you can’t help but begin to worry about the implications of the situation. Was this just because you were both drunk? Did he really have feelings for you or was this all just because of the alcohol? 

After tugging some pyjamas on and using the bathroom you crawl back into bed with Brock, resting your head on his shoulder, arm over his chest. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course,” Brock hums, running his fingers along your back. 

“Do you, um…was this, I just,” you stammer, finally pulling yourself away from him, sitting up and staring across the dark room at the slice of moonlight that was shining on the wall through the curtains. “Was this just a meaningless hook-up? Because I actually have feelings for you,” you admit. 

You feel Brock run his hand along your back, fingers curling around your waist as he tugs you back to lay next to him. “No, it wasn’t,” he assures you, kissing your temple before you settle in next to him. “I was so into you when we were growing up. Every summer since high school I’ve hoped you would show up again.”

“I don’t believe you,” you giggle. “I had the biggest crush on you back then, you can’t steal my story,” you tease. 

“Back then?” 

Rolling your eyes you reach over and take his hand, squeezing it gently. “Still do.”

“Good,” Brock chuckles. 

And just like that the two of you fall into a comfortable silence that quickly turns to a deep sleep. After that first night together the two of you grew closer, no longer just spending the days together but the nights as well. 

Every morning you would wake up next to Brock, often going for a walk with the dogs before you would have breakfast together. Then you would spend the majority of the day working at your place. After you were done your work for the day you would head over and join Brock for dinner. 

For the next month and a half everything felt easy and fun. The daily stress you normally felt when you were back at your apartment had almost dissipated entirely. You grew closer and closer with Brock, falling more and more for him with each passing day. Time had begun to slip by faster and faster, till the majority of the summer was now in the past and you were getting closer and closer to the day where the cabins would be shuttered as everyone returned to the real world. 

Laying on your couch you stare out through the large window at the sheets of rain pouring from the sky. The summer was coming to an end whether you wanted to admit it or not and the grey sky was doing its part to remind you of that. Brock’s car was already packed, his place was tidied and ready for his departure. 

You have your head on Brock’s chest, your arm draped over his stomach. He’s running his hand along your back and with each passing second you begin growing closer to tears. You didn’t want to admit how much it felt like your chest was being ripped apart.

Sniffling quietly you try to blink away the tears in your eyes before Brock could notice. But you weren’t as secretive as you had hoped. “Are you okay?” Brock whispers.

Nodding you lift your head from his chest, wiping at your eyes. “Yeah, it’s stupid.”

“I’m sure it’s not,” Brock assures you, waiting for you to go on.

“I just don’t want this to end,” you admit. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t either.” Brock wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” you mumble, shuffling in your seat to face him. Taking one of Brock’s hands in yours you give it a quick squeeze, glossy eyes staring across the small distance between you and Brock. 

“Because I never meant to hurt you.” Brock reaches over, brushing away a few of the tears that had spilled from your eyes onto your cheeks. 

“You didn’t mean to hurt me, Brock. I know you didn’t,” you assure him with a quick sniffle, eyes gazing down at your interlocked fingers. “I would rather be hurt now than to never have had this summer with you.”

Brock leans in, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. “I just wish we had more time.”

“Me too,” you whisper, lifting your eyes to look back up at him. “Maybe we can next summer.”

Brock nods slowly, pushing a piece of your hair behind your ear. “Next summer,” he echoes as a tear slides down your cheek no longer caring enough to wipe them away, no longer fighting the sadness in your heart. Because the pain was going to happen whether you wanted it or not. But maybe, just maybe, the promise of next summer would be enough to help you deal with the sadness. 

[tropes-and-tales-archives]

Whistle Down the Wind, Chapter Seven

Word Count: 3234

TW:  Pining, unrequited love, angst.

AN:  Part of a series.  The series masterlist here.

Sonny dragged himself home to his empty apartment, and for the first time in a long while, he got drunk.  He worked his way through the remainder of a six-pack he had, and when that was gone, he helped himself to a few of Nicole’s alcoholic seltzer waters.  They were disgusting, but they did the trick.  Then he laid on the couch, one foot planted on the floor to stop the room from spinning.  He tried to think.

You had raised valid points, he admitted.  He did date traditionally beautiful women. He started to take umbrage to your claim that they were mean or boring, but when he thought about that – maybe you had a point there too. 

The middle school teaching aide you had mentioned?  She cheated on Sonny and likely had never been faithful at all.  The hedge fund manager absolutely hated children and had been offended when Sonny had casually mentioned that he was looking forward to fatherhood one day.  The girl he met at Fordham only had one passion – reality television – and that relationship fizzled when he got tired of trying to keep the plotlines of the various shows straight.  And now there was Nicole.

She was sweet sometimes.  That had been true, but your comment was also true.  What kind of girlfriend made her guy feel bad about his looks?  If the genders were swapped, would he be so blasé about the way she treated him?  If Tommy treated Bella that way, wouldn’t he beat the shit out of him?

He had a lot to consider, but the alcohol obliterated the final few functional brain cells and he passed out.

He woke up to Nicole coming into the apartment.  She had caught an earlier flight because she missed him, she said.  She took a note of the empty beer bottles and seltzer cans but didn’t say anything.  Instead, she made her way to the kitchen and made him breakfast.

The next few weeks passed, and Sonny waited for the next blow up with Nicole, but it never came.  She even helped him get the apartment ready for his nieces’ visit.  For the past few years, Sonny took a long weekend with the Morino girls:  they lived in Connecticut, and Christmas in New York could be magical.  They came to visit their uncle and do all the cheesy tourist stuff – skating at Rockefeller Center, hot chocolate at the Christmas Market, Radio City Music Hall.

Usually you joined him for that long weekend.  You would make the girls your patented gooey brownies and play board games with them and play little Christmas carols on your instruments.  This year, though, Nicole would be taking your place.  She seemed up to the task though.  She told him that she was looking forward to it. 

Maybe the sweetness in her would win out after all, he thought.

********

Sonny showing up on Thanksgiving evening completely ruined your comfortable high, and now you were too worked up to sleep.  You paced a bit and considered smoking a bit more, but you didn’t want to wake up still stoned.  You finally settled down in your workspace.  You opened up your songwriter software.

You wrote music for everyone you knew.  Everyone in your life – friends, family – had a theme song, a melody that flitted through your head when you were around them or thought about them.  Your bandmates, Alicia and Jen, each had their own themes.  Alicia’s was heavy on woodwinds; a low and mellow bassoon overlaid with flutes and piccolos.  Jen’s was a booming brassy piece like a Sousa march.  Bella’s theme was pure ‘80’s pop rock:  keyboard interlude and electric guitar and drum machine.

Sonny’s piece was a complicated weaving of piano and strings, the two happily playing off of each other.  You saved it on your computer…and started writing the reprise.  You pulled out your cello, and then your violin, and recorded new string sections.  The same theme, but sadder.  More minor chords. 

By the time the sun started to rise, you had rewritten Sonny’s theme.  You saved it as a reprise, then closed your laptop. 

Then you moved on.  You started going through your stuff, determining what you would keep for your move – and what you would leave behind.

You met up with Bella a week later for lunch.  She was finally starting to show, and you felt a pang of regret that you’d miss so many milestones in her life.

When you told her, Bella made it perfectly clear that she felt the same way:  she spent the first few minutes chewing you out about the inferiority of the west coast, then segued into ranting about how her brother was an idiot and that you shouldn’t leave because of him.

“I’m not leaving because of Sonny,” you replied with a sigh.  “My life has felt on hold for so long, and I want a fresh start.  You’re married now with a kid on the way.  Sonny is going to be engaged soon.”  You shook your head at her.  “I want all of that, but I don’t feel like I’ll get it here.”

“You’re not gonna find it in Los Angeles,” she snapped.  “You’ll be sitting in traffic too much to find a nice guy.”

“Well, I’m not gonna find it here,” you snapped back.  “Not when your damned brother acts like he’s not interested but then tries to kiss me when I say I’m leaving.”

The scowl on Bella’s face disappeared.  “He tried to kiss you?” 

You nodded.  “I told him that I was leaving New York, and he leaned in to kiss me.”  You scoffed.  “He’s just upset that his emotional crutch is leaving.”

Your friend looked thoughtful for a moment.  “Maybe he has feelings for you after all.”

“No.”  You pushed your plate aside, your lunch only half eaten.  Your appetite had vanished altogether. 

“But maybe,” Bella insisted.  She leaned forward, one hand placed across her growing stomach.  “He looked so sad at Thanksgiving when he realized you weren’t coming.  And he kept watching you at my reception.”  Her forehead crinkled in thought. 

“No,” you repeated.  “Nope.”

“Maybe yes though.”  Bella was gazing at some spot over your shoulder, and you could tell that she was deep in thought.  “Sonny never visited me at college until you became my roommate sophomore year.  And he was the one who suggested you could stay with us over the summer between semesters….”

“Bella, stop it,” you cut in.  “I’m not his type.”

“You don’t know that,” she replied.  “You know, he never was a cinephile before he met you – then he was suddenly into artsy movies.  That became your thing together.  Then you started hanging out together for other things…”

“Because Tommy was out of prison then, and the two of you paired off.”

“You had your movie nights, your dinners together.  You had those Christmas weekends with Theresa’s girls.”

You sighed.  “Key word being ‘had.’  Past tense, Bella.  I’m looking to the future now.”

********

The long weekend started poorly.  Theresa and her husband dropped the girls off on Thursday evening, and then they headed to LaGuardia for their own little couple’s retreat.  Their marriage was struggling, and they were taking advantage of some time away from the kids to rekindle the proverbial spark.

About a minute after their parents drove away, though, the girls started to act out.  Mia was openly hostile to Nicole, only giving monosyllabic answers to her questions.  Emma asked where you were at least three times after Sonny explained you weren’t coming.  And Sophia kept asking where the brownies were.

“No brownies here,” Nicole declared.  She reached out and poked Sophia in her round child’s belly.  “Brownies are nothing but carbs and sugar and fat.”

Sonny cleared his throat.  “We’ll order some dessert after dinner,” he promised. 

“But what are we even going to do today?” Emma whined.  “I’m bored.”

“Well, you know we usually stay in the first evening,” Sonny reminded her.  “We play games and make dinner…”

“What’s for dinner?” Sophia broke in.  Her eyes lit up at the possibilities.  “Nonna’s chicken parm?”

Nicole laughed lightly.  “I’m making dinner tonight,” she told the girls.  “Baked chicken and roasted butternut squash.  It’s paleo.”

Mia scrunched her nose at this, and Emma asked, “what’s paleo?”

It went downhill from there.

-----

It was Friday night, and everyone was miserable.  Mia spent so much time on her phone that she just kept it plugged in constantly.  Emma and Sophia were tired from skating at Rockefeller Center, and they were cranky because they had wanted hot chocolate after skating, but Nicole had made a comment about calories, so they decided against it. 

Then halfway home, Emma changed her mind and cried because it turned out she really did want the hot chocolate.  But then it was too late, and Emma wailed because apparently there was only one place in the entire city that had hot chocolate and the mix in Sonny’s apartment would never compare.

Then Nicole snapped at her.  She told her that crying was for babies, and Sophia got in on the act, calling Emma a baby until she cried so hard that she was gagging and choking on her own ramped up emotions.

Then Emma had hauled off and smacked Sophia hard enough to make her cry, and Nicole fled to the bathroom.  Sonny found her there half an hour later, perched on the edge of the tub and scrolling through her phone.

Then Liv called with an emergency – Amanda was home with Jesse, who was sick – so Sonny had to go in.  He got changed quickly and told Nicole to hold down the fort while he was out.  She only glared at him as he pulled on his coat and left.

********

You were knee deep in your vinyl collection, trying to figure out what to keep and what to take to L.A.  The problem was that even after three passes through the collection, you only had five albums you were willing to part with.  And two of those were duplicates of ones you were keeping.

Your phone chirped from somewhere behind you, and you groped blindly for it until you had it.  It was Bella’s niece, Mia.  You sighed and answered.

“Hi, Mia,” you said, but the teenager was already talking.  “Whoa, slow down,” you told her.

You got her calmed down enough to explain the situation.  The girls were in the city for the annual Christmas holiday trip.  Uncle Sonny got called out to work, and Nicole was left in charge.  But then Nicole left to go out for a drink with friends and left Mia in charge, which was fine at first.  But then it got later and no one was there and there were weird noises coming from the hallway and Emma swore that she saw a face looking in the window even though Sonny was on the eighth floor of his building.

“Okay, okay,” you replied.  “Let me call Sonny…” but Mia cut you off.

“Uncle Sonny isn’t picking up his phone,” she said.  You could hear how shaky her voice was and realized that despite her teenaged bravado, she was probably scared too.  The girls lived in a cozy suburb in Connecticut, so the city was obviously much more than they were used to.  “And neither is Aunt Bella.  And I don’t want to call mom and dad…”

“Okay,” you repeated.  You stood up from your place on the floor and made your way into the bedroom.  “Stay inside, and I’ll be there in ten minutes.  I’ll call you when I’m there.”  You hung up and changed out of your pajamas into a pair of jeans and a band t-shirt.  You grabbed your coat from the entryway and left your apartment. 

Sonny’s place was only a few blocks away, and even with the icy sidewalks, you made good time.  You dialed Mia when you were outside, and you walked her through how to ring you in.  When you reached Sonny’s door, you knocked lightly and listened as Mia undid all the locks.  She swung the door open, and both Sophia and Emma flew out and hugged you fiercely.

********

It was one in the morning when Sonny got home.  The case was a sexual assault on the subway, and he had spent hours lining up witness statements and talking with transit police.  He was exhausted when he slid his key in the lock, but at least everyone would be asleep.  He could have a beer on the couch and unwind.

The apartment was quiet, but when he made his way to his kitchen, he noticed that someone was asleep on the couch.  He looked closer, and in the weak light he saw you.  He felt his heart lurch at the sight of you, and for a moment, he didn’t even question why you were there.

You were curled up on your side with one of Sonny’s couch pillows underneath your head.  Your hands were drawn up by your head, and he could just make out one of them twitching.  It made him smile – how many times have you fallen asleep at his place, and how many times has he watched you play music in your sleep? 

He set down his coat and made his way over to perch on the edge of his coffee table, just watching you.  Your hair was loose, and your mouth was parted slightly as you breathed, slow and steady.  He watched your twitching hand and wondered what you were playing in your dreams.  Your cello, most likely.  You could play just about any instrument, but your cello was your favorite. 

He reached out and took your hand very carefully in his.  He didn’t want to wake you, and for a moment, he didn’t.  He felt your hand squeeze his, and he felt tears spring up in his eyes.  He couldn’t imagine his life without you in it. 

Your hand spasmed in his again, and he watched you wake up.  Your eyes opened slowly, and he watched as you looked at him, realization washing over you.

“Hi,” you said groggily.  You pulled your hand from his and sat up, running a hand over your hair and then rubbing your eyes.  “What time is it?”

“A little after one,” he replied.  “What are you doing here?”

You tugged your hands through your hair, finger-combing it and then pulled an elastic off of your wrist to put it up into a messy ponytail.  You looked him square in the eyes and gave him a bitter laugh.

“Interesting story,” you said.  “Your beautiful and ‘actually quite sweet’ girlfriend went out drinking with friends and left your nieces here.”  You stood up and stretched, and Sonny stood up too. 

“I saw that I missed calls from Mia,” he replied.  “She didn’t leave any messages though.”

“Yeah, well, they got a hold of me instead.”  You peered up at him.  “They were terrified, Sonny.  They aren’t used to the big city, you know.”

Sonny rubbed the back of his neck.  “I know.” 

You opened your mouth to say something else but thought better of it and snapped your jaw closed with an audible click.  Sonny felt exhausted and irritated. 

“Just say what you’re gonna say.”

You shook your head, and there was an awkward silence between you for a moment.  Then you gave that bitter laugh again.

“Why was Emma asking me if her Nonna’s cannoli are part of the paleo diet?  What kind of person tells little girls that they need to count calories, Sonny?  Who leaves little girls alone in an unfamiliar city?”  You looked up at him.  “People can’t help how they look, whether they’re born beautiful or talented or boring.  But being a dick to kids?  That’s a choice, Sonny.”  You turned and walked away, making your way to his entryway.  He followed you and watched as you pulled on your coat and slipped into your snow boots.

“Everyone has a choice.  You deserve better than this, Sonny,” you said sadly.  You nodded towards the guest bedroom.  “Your nieces deserve better too.”  You turned to leave, but Sonny reached out and took a hold of the hem of your coat, tugging you back.

“They missed their honorary auntie,” he said, not looking at you.  He focused on his hand on your coat, his long fingers holding fast on the heavy wool of your pea coat.  “I missed you too.”

Another awkward silence filled the room until it was pressing down on Sonny.  He felt like his chest was going to collapse under the pressure.  He felt like if he let you walk out that door, he’d never see you again.  He knew, from talking to Bella, that you were starting to pack and search for a place in L.A.  You reached down and tugged your coat out of his grasp.  He watched you reach for the doorknob, and so Sonny made a choice.

“Jailbait,” he blurted out.  You dropped your hand from his door and turned to face him, completely confused.

“That’s – that’s what my roommate used to call you,” he added.  “Remember Dave?”

You scrunched your face in thought and then nodded.  “You had that place in Brooklyn.”

Sonny nodded.  “We had just graduated, and you and Bella crashed with us a few times when you were in college.  When you had concerts in the city and stuff.”  You nodded at him, so he continued.

“Dave always called you ‘jailbait.’  He’d joke around with me that you were so much younger than me, and that you looked even younger than that.  It became a routine when he knew you were coming to visit.  ‘Sonny likes ‘em barely legal,’ all that.”  Sonny scrubbed his hands over his face, still not able to look you in the eye.

“It made me feel weird,” he admitted.  “You were this adorable kid the same age as my sister, and I liked you so much.  Dave figured it out and started calling you ‘jailbait,’ and it made me feel like a pervert.  And then I got to know you, and I liked you even more.  But I didn’t know what to do, and you were so supportive and nice, even when I was dating other women, that I thought, ‘at least she’s my friend.’  At least I had that.”  He looked up and saw you staring at him.  “But I don’t even have that anymore, do I?”

You started to answer, but there was a key in the lock at that moment, and Nicole pushed her way into the apartment.  Sonny could smell the alcohol wafting off of her, and he saw his girlfriend’s face as she took in the pair of you.

“What the f…” she started to slur, but you cut her off, catching the door before it slammed shut.

“Good luck with all this, Sonny,” you said, looking at him sadly.  Then you turned to face Nicole, who was glaring at you.

“And I hope you choke on a carb,” you told her before you slammed the door on them.

-----

Sonny broke up with Nicole that night, and then again in the morning, when she was sober and could remember it.  He tried calling and texting you a few times, but you didn’t respond.  He’d give it a few days.  Maybe he’d surprise you for Christmas.

[pixeldistractions]

The group of them hung out sometimes after climbing, when their energy was spent and the sunlight began to fade. They grilled red meat for protein and drank Gatorade by the gallon. Nessa brought more food from home. The kids ate while still wearing wet bathing suits, and the climbing crew stretched and relaxed and laughed into the twilight.

“Eat up!” Nessa said, laying out a spread of potato salad, baked beans, and even waffles.

“Wow, you made all this?” Maya asked.

Nessa laughed. “Oh no, my mother-in-law is the chef. You don’t want to see me in the kitchen. In fact, everyone, you’re all invited to Thanksgiving. She’d love to have a really full house and lots of people to cook for. It would mean the world to her this year.”

Jack nodded in agreement. “It’s been a rough time, but the distraction would be good. They were married for forty years, and this is her first holiday without him.”

Everyone was so sorry to hear that, but unfortunately, most everyone also already had plans.

Tyler politely declined. He had a bittersweet history with the Phoenix family, thanks to a rough breakup with his high school girlfriend, Summer. They always said he was welcome in the family any time, and though he and Summer made their peace, he had his own family to focus on now.

Kristoff declined for no stated reason. Darren was a maybe? And Jordan?

“Oh, Thanksgiving?” It had been a very long time since Jordan attended any sort of Thanksgiving gathering. Togetherness was not really Colette’s thing. She liked to take the boys somewhere expensive and foreign, where Thanksgiving didn’t exist. Even when his dad was still alive, it was usually just the two of them and a store-bought meal in front of a football game, which was wonderful, but small.

Funny enough, when he and Maria first met, when she found out that he usually spent the holiday alone, she promptly invited him to her family’s Thanksgiving dinner. The gesture was appreciated, but they had only known each other a few weeks, so he politely declined. This year, she was coming to visit him. The November weekend that Maria got off work, the only good stretch of time she could spend here, was over Thanksgiving weekend. They hadn’t talked about what they would do, only that they would be together.

“I don’t know what my plans are,” Jordan said. “My girlfriend is in town that week.”

Girlfriend, he said, which brought a foolish grin to his face. The word filled him with such a warm and bubbly feeling. He hadn’t called someone his girlfriend since the ninth grade. He never even called Colette that, always just “the boys’ mom” or by name, except for the occasions he called her his “ex.” Jordan had a girlfriend now, and it was the most wholesome thing. “I’ll have to ask her. You know, because she might want to cook our own thing.”

“She cooks?” Nessa sprung up from the table with wonder in her eyes.

“Yeah, she’s great at it,” Jordan said.

“We don’t have any other foodies in the family. Sophie would love her!” Then Nessa paused. “Oh! I don’t mean to put her to work. No, she’d absolutely be a guest. Just, for Sophie to have someone to talk food stuff with who knows better. Please. Let me meet her, I’ll beg.”

“Ha, I don’t think you’ll have to beg,” Jordan said. “But sure, I’ll see what she thinks of the idea.”

So they settled talk of Thanksgiving for now. They dug into those burgers and potato salad and homemade cookies. They ate and laughed and carried on as the evening turned to twilight.

Jordan was perplexed at how he ended up here, part of all this, especially since he’d spent the better part of his twenties alienating himself and pushing people away. Now his family was part of all this, too, before they even got here. These people hadn’t met Maria yet, but already they loved her. They hadn’t met his boys yet, but already they were expected to share a bunk room with the other children in Japan next winter.

These people were warm and welcoming. No one was left uninvited. No one was left behind. No one was allowed to give up. These people were wild and brave and unstoppable, and Jordan hadn’t met so many people like this in his whole life. They understood each other. They didn’t question each other’s priorities or ambitions. Nobody thought of him as frivolous or irresponsible for wanting to do this.

You want to climb mountains? Well, of course you do! Let’s go do it!

Jordan wasn’t looking to find his tribe here, but they scooped him up, folded him into their world, and adopted him anyway.

It was everything. Almost.

— from “boxes and squares #4.3: then fall in love” (3/5)

[gretavangroupie]

Bloom (Chapter 8)

Chapter 7

Official Bloom Playlist

Warnings: Angst, Blood!!!, Fluff, Smut. 18+ ONLY. Minors DNI

A/N: Please make sure to check out the playlist above for the full effect while reading this chapter. As always, thanks for reading Merry Christmas!!

“You feel like home and everywhere I've never been, all at once.” - Butterflies Rising

You and Josh arrived back in Nashville the following Monday after a wonderful weekend in his hometown for Thanksgiving. You spent much of the next two weeks together, relaxing, cooking and planning your Christmas activities. Josh has been preparing for his first show back since they rescheduled them after San Antonio. He has rested and feels like he is back on top and ready to perform. Tomorrow the guys will all leave to play two consecutive shows in Atlantic City, New Jersey, returning home for a day before heading to Los Angeles for a week. 

Josh has begged you for the past two weeks to come with him and you reluctantly agreed since there is no bus travel involved. 

You are at your apartment visiting with Amelia, eating dinner, packing and catching up with her about all of the crazy things that have transpired in the last few weeks and promising to be around more. Your phone buzzes in your back pocket and you see Josh has texted you.

Josh: When are you coming home? 

Confused, you respond.

You: I am home? Im at my apartment right now? What do you mean?

Josh: That might be where your things live but I think you know where home is angel.

Not wanting to read too much into it, you reply quickly and shove your phone back into your pocket.

You: Soon.

Selecting your outfits for your trip you carefully pack them into a hard shell suitcase along with your toiletries and a box of tampons, knowing your period will be coming soon. Zipping up the case and bidding farewell to Amelia, you make your way back to Josh’s house. Walking inside you find Josh still packing his things meticulously in his suitcase, trying to shove it closed. 

“Ugh finally you’re back I need your help.” He says.

“You sit on this and i’m gonna zip it.” He says sitting you on his suitcase. The zipper glides closed with ease and you smile proudly. 

“See everything just works better when you’re here.” He says.

“Josh I was gone for like 3 hours, maybe.” You laugh.

“I know I just miss you when i’m here and you’re not.” He says.

Giving him a soft kiss on the cheek you change into one of his t-shirts and a pair of boxers and slide into the bed. 

“Tired, pretty girl?” He says placing the suitcase near the door. 

“Yeah, I am.” You reply knowing that its the fatigue starting to set in before the onslaught of your monthly visitor. 

“What’s wrong baby? Are you not excited for this weekend?” He asks sitting next to you on the bed.

“No I am, I just want it to be fun for you since its your first show back, but I am… about to have my time of the month and I’m not feeling the best.” You say nervously. You haven’t been with Josh while on your period yet, the time frames never lining up. 

“Oh, baby that's okay. Look if it makes you feel any better, that doesn’t bother me at all, in any way. I am going to make sure that you have fun this weekend and I will take care of you and pamper you the whole time. It will be great.” He smiles gently rubbing your hair. 

Leaning your head into his touch you nod yes. He gets up and changes clothes and crawls into bed next to you, spooning your body as you fall asleep next to him.

.

.

“Is that it?” You yell towards Josh who is in the house locking up before you head to the airport.

“Yep that’s it angel, we are ready to roll.” He calls back.

You have about 15 minutes to get to the airport to meet the guys before heading to Atlantic City.

As you pull into long term parking Josh asks how you’re feeling, you replying that you were doing okay today and him giving you a kiss on the cheek. You wheel your bags into the airport and check in at the ticket counter. You make it through to security where you see a girl snapping a picture of Josh as secretively as she can. You smile and laugh and push him ahead through the x-ray machine.

You both are pulling your shoes on as the girl approaches you both. “Hi are you Josh Kiszka?” She asks nervously.

“I am! How are you? Would you like a photo?” He asks the girl kindly.

“Oh my gosh, Hi, i’m great and yes if you don’t mind!” She replies happily.

“Baby?” Josh gestures as he hands you the girls cellphone. 

You take a few photos quickly before returning it to the girl who is absolutely gushing and thanking you and Josh profusely. You collect your things from the end of the belt and make your way to your gate, hand in hand. 

“Do you ever get tired of people asking for photos of you?” You ask as you walk.

“No, never… its sweet. They are always so nervous. I try to calm them down the best that I can.” He says.

He has such a kind heart, just one of the many things you love about him.

You approach the gate and see the rest of the guys and their girlfriends sitting chatting amongst themselves.

“Heyyyy I didn’t know you were coming!” Jake says enthusiastically towards you. The other girls clapping their hands excitedly at your presence. 

“Yeah, Josh wore me down” you say with a wink and elbow to his side.

“Good, we are gonna get into some trouble this weekend.” Sam jokes, his service dog Rose laying on the floor at his feet. Looking at her smiling, her tail gives you a small wag as a hello.

The flight in was short and sweet, only a little bit of turbulence from some bad weather moving through the area. You land and you all grab your luggage before a van delivers you to your hotel.  

As Lisa hands out room keys you wait patiently until she calls Josh’s name. He steps up taking the key and telling her thank you. He walks over to the group and asks them to meet him back here in an hour.

You and Josh make your way to your room and are immediately greeted with a gorgeous room overlooking the boardwalk. You can see the colorfully lit ferris wheel spinning in the distance. The room has a large king size bed, a full length mirror, along with a dresser, desk and a small couch. 

Josh opens his suitcase and begins hanging his clothes in the closet and placing his homey comforts on the bedside table. You excuse yourself to the bathroom only to find that, right on time, your period has arrived. You finish up and walk back into the room digging through your suitcase for the box of tampons. 

“Im sorry, baby. I mean, I guess it is a good thing.” Josh says sympathetically.

You nod your head agreeing before heading back to the bathroom to rectify the situation.

As you walk out Josh is sitting on the edge of the bed. “Come sit.” He says.

“Listen, you know I think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I know you are not feeling good about yourself right now, but look. You are a woman. Your body is beautiful and is doing exactly what its made to do. Everything happening to you is natural and wonderful and you handle it with grace. I am going to continue to worship this body exactly as it should be. Including tonight…if you’ll let me. I want to show you how amazing it can feel to be completely consumed in each other in your most raw and natural state.” He finishes.

Jumping over his legs to straddle him you push him down onto the bed and lean over and press your lips to his. “Yes Josh, you can show me.” You say before standing up and going to look out the window. “We need to head back down there, they will be waiting for us.” You say.

You head downstairs and meet the guys in the lobby. Across the way is the entrance to the casino and you all make plans to try your hand at some slots after dinner. You enjoy a wonderful meal with lots of wine at the restaurant just down the street from the hotel. Afterwards you all head back and into the casino, most of you going for slot machines, and the others to the blackjack tables. 

An hour or so later you walk out with your winnings of $0.20, laughing at how Sammy lost $50.00. You are tired and smell like smoke from the casino but you remember what Josh has in store for the two of you as he slides his hand into the back pocket of your jeans.

“Still up for a little fun, angel?” He asks quietly.

“Only if you want to.” You reply.

He unlocks the hotel room door with the keycard and lets you in first. You sauntering across the room still tipsy from the alcohol with dinner, and the drinks in the casino.

He flops down on the bed with a deep sigh, “come here angel.” He says laying back.

You crawl between his legs, bending down and placing a kiss on his stomach, over his clothes. Feeling bold you unbutton his pants and hook your fingers into the hem dragging them down to let his dick be free. He is growing hard at the excitement of what’s happening, the soft kiss you place on the tip expediting the process.

You squat down off the bed and untie his shoes and remove his socks one at a time before pulling his pants completely off. with his legs hanging off the bed, bent at the knee. You sit up taller and grab the base of his length in your hand. He props himself up on his elbows to get a better look at what is happening. You make eye contact with him and as seductively as possible take him into your mouth, until you feel him at the back of your throat. You wrap your lips around him and slide back and forth never breaking eye contact. He throws his head back in pleasure a soft “fuck” leaving his throat. You continue and add a gripping motion to his base. Your other hand reaching up grazing your fingernails across his pelvis. As you continue to take him in, your tongue starts to swirl around the tip and he quivers under you. “Im gonna cum angel so pull off now if you want to.” He says urgently. You shake your head no, him still penetrating the back of your throat and with one good long stroke up his dick he cums spilling down the back of your throat.

“Jesus Christ, that was sinful." he says

You pull off of him standing up, taking your shoes and clothes off, leaving you standing in just your thong. Josh stands and takes the rest of his clothes off and makes his way to the bathroom, returning with a bath towel. He spreads it out over the sheets of the bed and turns back to you removing your panties. 

“Josh I have to go to the bathroom first…” you say and he nods understandingly.

You go to the bathroom and flush your tampon down the toilet, wash your hands and return to him. 

“Lay on that towel angel.” He instructs.

“The white towel?!” You say nervously.

“Angel they see this all the time i’m sure, don’t be ashamed.” He says rubbing his hands down your legs as you nod and lay on the towel.

“You know sex during your period is supposed to alleviate cramps?” He says. 

“I have heard that but, I've never tried. There’s never been anyone I’ve wanted to try with.” You reply.

“You’ve never had period sex before, angel?” He asks surprised.

“No.” You answer.

“I love you so much. I can’t believe you are mine.” He says. “Im going to be gentle, until you tell me not to, okay?” He asks.

“Please Josh…” you say, desperate for him.

He aligns himself with you, gently pushing into your cramping core with a groan.

It feels so good to have the pressure inside of you relieved by him. He begins to slowly rock his hips back and forth, the sound of your arousal filling the air. This is more of a wet sound than you’re both used to, and you feel his dick grow even harder. 

“God angel, this is something else.” He says as he continues. 

“Josh, you can be rough now. It’s okay.” You beg.

With that the pace of his hips pick up, his dick plunging deeper inside of you, the force of it pushing liquid out of you. As he continues you feel and hear a small spray leave you,  as you both realize that your blood has scattered across his torso. You feel embarrassed for a millisecond before Josh audibly indicates how much he loves it. 

Thrusting deep into you time and time again, liquid flowing freely from you, landing on the towel beneath you and adorning Josh’s pelvis. It all feels so good.

You do feel relief from your cramps as the coil inside of you tightens before your impending orgasm. You know that Josh isn’t too far behind by the moans he’s releasing. You can tell that period sex is something he is definitely into.

“My gorgeous woman. So fucking beautiful marking me with her blood. Fuck, I love you.” He says. Sending you rippling through your orgasm a small spray of arousal and blood hitting his base sending him into his own release. 

“Fuck, that was insanely hot. So primal.” he says pulling out of you, blood and slick coating his dick. “Stay there and let me watch.” He says watching his cum, tinted pink, leak out of you onto the towel. 

“Jesus Christ I’m going to cum again if I didn’t know better.” He says staring.

“Josh, stop…” You say blushing.

“You are a goddamn dream. Don’t ever think for one second that you aren’t… I will be damned if anyone ever does that to you, but me. ” He says getting up from the bed. He walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower before peaking his head out of the door  and saying “ready and waiting for you angel.”

He really is too good to you. That may have been one of the best orgasms of your life. Sitting up and swinging yourself off the bed, you hold the towel to your center as you walk, catching any excess fluids from dripping. You drop the towel on the bathroom floor and join Josh in the perfectly steamy shower. 

.

.

.

The next day when you wake Josh is gone but has left a note for you on the desk.

Went to find coffee…

x J

You smile at his cute handwriting, and set the note down and proceed to get dressed for the day. The guys will have soundcheck around 2:00 and Josh has demanded you come with him.

The venue is just around the corner in a different hotel. You straighten your hair and put on your outfit and lounge on the couch as you wait for him to return with coffee. You scroll through instagram and twitter and see nothing but excited comments from fans about the shows this weekend.

The door opens, Josh pushing it open with his foot with two coffees in his hand and a Starbucks bag hanging from his wrist.

“Its a good thing I love you…It was a mob scene at Starbucks, there were so many fans outside I had to send my mother in to get our order.” He laughs, “alas, here is your hot bean juice my lady.” He smiles.

Oh okay he is in a silly mood today. You love it when he is like this. He must be excited for the show. “Thanks baby!” You say happily accepting the large coffee.

“I also got you a muffin.” he says presenting you with a blueberry muffin.

“You’re the best.” You say kissing his soft pink lips. 

“Oh your nose is cold, how cold is it out there?” You ask.

“Uh frigid, I don’t know, wear a hat, a scarf, mittens whatever you have!” He jokes.

You laugh and kiss his nose.

Around 1:30 you Josh and the guys all meet in the lobby to head to the van to take you all to the venue for soundcheck. On the way the guys tentatively discuss the setlist for the evening and what they want to play for soundcheck. As you all enter backstage you see them check to see everything is set up how they want it and you and the other girls head down to the empty pit, your usual sound check spot. The guys play through a few songs, one oldie, according to Jakes girlfriend, and then they finish up and head back to the green room where you meet them. They will remain here for the rest of the day until it’s time for the show. You and the girls say your goodbyes and head back to the hotel to get ready. You all had outfits planned for the two nights of shows, coordinating to somewhat match color schemes. 

.

.

Arriving back to the green room later that evening, you are reunited with Josh and the guys who are now dressed in their stage outfits, and getting their rhinestones applied. Josh is walking around with his hot drink and cracking jokes for the girl who makes their social media videos. You hang out on the couch and he eventually makes his way over to you and sits down. 

“Are you ready?” You ask.

“Yeah I feel pretty good, my ear isn’t bothering me at all right now. Didn’t hurt after soundcheck so that is a good sign too.” He says, “I am so glad you’re here, the shows are just so much better when I know you’re out there watching.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world my love. You’re gonna do great tonight, and then you’re gonna take me back to the room and do whatever you want to me.” You whisper.

“That’s a deal angel.” He replies.

An hour or so later, the guys are stepping onto the stage and the fans are going absolutely insane. The energy the guys have on stage tonight is better than it has been in weeks. The crowd sings along to every song. They sway in unison to ‘Light My Love’ and you tear up knowing how much emotion that song causes people to feel. Your heart swells as you watch Josh and his brothers are living this dream. At the conclusion of the set, Josh takes a shot on stage with the fans and you use that as your cue and you and the girls head backstage from the sound booth.

A little while later the guys meet you back in the dressing room, they are all sweaty and ready for a drink. Josh walks up to you, wrapping his arms around you and dipping you down for a dramatic kiss. “Hello angel how was the show?” He asks standing you back up.

“Amazing as usual” you reply. You mingle with everyone while the guys take turns cleaning up and setting stuff up for tomorrows show. A while later you’re all bussing back to the hotel, tired from the long day.

You and Josh walk hand in hand to your room, both of you cold from the outside air. Getting into the room you can tell Josh is tired from the night. He hasn’t given a full on performance in over a month, the time off catching up with him. 

You change into your pajamas as you watch him. He grabs a pair of sweatpants walks over to the bed, slides his clothes of until he is completely naked, then sliding on the sweatpants. He goes into the bathroom and brushes his teeth before climbing into the bed. You scurry to the bathroom to brush your teeth and plug in both of your phones before getting in bed, turning off the lamp and curling into his open arms. 

“You know, you said I could have you any way I wanted you tonight? I want you to just hold me. I am so tired.” He breathes.

“I know baby, go to sleep. I'll still be here tomorrow.” You reply.

“Be here forever. Just like this.” He says before falling asleep in your arms.

The next morning played out differently than the first, Josh wised up and ordered coffee to the hotel from UberEats, thus avoiding the fans that knew he went there yesterday, and were inevitably waiting. You enjoyed your morning together reading in bed, cuddling and relaxing before getting ready to go for soundcheck again.

Josh told you that he had a surprise up his sleeve for the show tonight and to make sure you paid attention. After soundcheck ended, again you and the girls went back to the hotel to get ready. You made sure to look extra hot tonight since you and the guys were going out afterwards. A while later you and the girls walk into the green room to meet the guys before the show. Josh sees you enter and immediately jumps up and walks over to meet you. 

“Damn you look edible angel. I could fuck you right here right now.” He says quietly.

“Well that would be a mess, wouldn’t it?” You joke with a devilish grin.

“Ugh, you better stop before I get a massive erection before we go on.” He says.

“Wouldn’t be different than any other show, huh babe?” You say in a flirty tone.

His eyes about bulge out of his head and he runs his tongue along his teeth shaking his head. You can tell you are going to get it later.

The first half of the show was just as amazing if not better than the previous night. They played a few different songs and you were starting to form your favorites. After the drum solo, Josh talks to the crowd, and you see his eyes find you in the sound booth with a big smile and he says ‘ahh just like good sex…” before the lights fade to green and they play what you now know is ‘The Barbarians’.

You’re taken aback at his statement although you almost knew he was going to say something. This is the one he is throwing in for you and it is the sexiest song you’ve heard them play yet. You spend the rest of the show thinking about what you want him to play tonight while he has his way with you.

After wrapping up the show, and meeting the guys backstage, you wait as they get ready to go drink away the rest of the evening. You all end up at a bar close to the hotel, so that you can walk back when you’re ready. The guys are already pretty drunk by the time you arrive and you know that will make for a fun evening. You and Josh continue to make eyes at each other from across the bar all night. The guys are playing pool and the girls are sitting and watching from a table across the bar.  You down 4 gin and tonics before you start feeling fuzzy. Josh is taking notice of your loosened state and bids farewell to the gang before helping you up and wrapping his arm around your shoulder. As you walk outside the cold air slices through your clothes. It’s about two blocks to get back and it’s a fight against the wind the whole time. Once you step foot in the lobby both of you begin to thaw out. Your head feeling dizzy, the next thing you know the elevator is dropping you off on your floor. Then Josh is closing the room door, and undressing you. Flashing in and out of darkness you feel a little woozy. You try to pull yourself back into consciousness as Josh hands you a glass of water and sits you down on the end of the bed. You drink the whole glass.

“Maybe you went a little too hard baby?” He asks.

“No, I am fine. I just needed to sit for a minute.” You say. “I think I only had maybe 4 drinks? And I guess all the ones before we left.. okay maybe I did have a little much. I am feeling ok now I promise” you say as your hand slides up his leg. 

“Angel I need you to be sure you want to do this tonight.” He says. “I don’t know if I can be gentle and you're a little bit drunk.” 

“Even better.” You reply “but Josh?” You question. “Fuck me to that song.”

“What song?” He asks.

“The one you played tonight with the long guitar solo... towards the middle....” You say.

“Age of Machine?” He laughs out loud questioning you.

“Yes that one! It is pure sex, Josh. Especially after your little sex comment. Right in front of all those people! All I could think about for the rest of the show was fucking you to that song.” You replied confidently thanks to the alcohol.

“You want me to fuck you… to my own song…angel…” he says unsure.

“Please Joshy?” You say placing your hand over his bulge.

After an annoyed sigh he responds.

“Anything for you my love, but just real quick...you know it’s my brothers guitar that makes the song? I just want to be clear that you want me to fuck you while I listen to my brother playing his guitar?” He says sarcastically.

“Yep that’s right baby…” you say back.

“Fine. Strip, angel.” He demands walking to the bathroom.

When he returns he is in only his boxers with a towel in his hands. Grabbing his phone off the dresser and connecting it to a bluetooth speaker, he looks at you and shakes his head laughing. 

You hear a song start to play over the speaker as Josh walks over to you. He lays the towel down on the sheets and lays down on the bed laying his head on the pillows. 

“You’re on top first, angel.” 

You run to the bathroom and take care of your tampon before quickly returning to Josh who is laying on the bed gently stroking himself. You crawl over him and straddle his waist, your center sitting directly on top of his hard length. You lean over and and take his mouth with yours. Your tongues instantly finding each others tasting the remnants of the nights alcohol. His hands are on your hips pushing you down, grinding onto his dick back and forth. You can feel your wetness and it begins to slide easier. You push up from his lips and your hands are on either side of his head. He reaches his head up and bites down hard on one of your nipples. You scream out in pain. “There we go, that’s what I want to hear angel.” Josh says from underneath you. You lift up on your knees and grab the base of his dick aligning it with your center before slowly sliding down his full length. A moan escaping you from the fullness you feel inside of you. Placing your hands on his stomach you begin to rock back and forth in a wave motion, making sure you’re hitting your g spot with every forward motion. Josh grabs your hips thrusting into you from underneath with force sending a light splatter onto his base. He groans and as the evidence continues to marks his body over and over. As you feel your insides tightening you hear the opening notes to ‘Age of Machine’ and Josh makes a move to roll you over, still connected. 

You smile up at him and wrap your legs around him. He forcefully unwraps them grabbing them and pushing your knees into your chest just barely touching your chin. 

“You said you wanted me to fuck you to this song angel? Well, we are going to do it my way.”

He pounds into you in a thrust deeper than you’ve ever felt him before. A loud scream leaving your lips at the contact so far inside. 

“There baby, now that is how the song is intended to be enjoyed.” He says repeating the motion with force gritting this teeth as another scream leaves you. You feel the spray leaving your center and it seems to make Josh fuck you even harder as the irony smell fills the air. He brings one of your legs to rest on his shoulder and continues. As the guitar plays in the background and you hear Josh’s voice singing to you, you moan in pleasure.

“Hands and knees.” He says heavy breathed and sweaty.

Pulling off of him he is covered in sweat, your arousal, and your blood. You get on your hands and knees and he reenters you right as the guitar solo begins. He is rapidly thrusting into you at this point and a slap connects on your ass as you moan, “Josh, fuck I am going to cum.”

He grabs the hair at the back of your head grasping it and pulling your head back pounding into you twice more before your body shakes from your orgasm tearing through you. “Josh fuckkk…” you cry out. The sloshing noises continuing until he is cumming in side of you with one more hard thrust. “Fuuuuuckkk.” he moans. He pulls out and you stay in the position for another minute knowing he likes to admire his handiwork. “Gorgeous.” He says. You feel two fingers swipe up your slit and swirl around your opening catching the dripping release. He taps your ass, an indication that he is done and wants you to be comfortable. You are both a mess and Josh couldn’t seem happier about it. You both jump in the shower to rinse off the night and crawl into bed. You are laying in his arms as he twirls your hair. “You know I have never fucked anyone to one of my own songs before? That was a first for me.” He says.

“Really? I feel like you would have done that at least once or twice?” You respond.

“Nope, only with you.” He smiles kissing your head. He pulls the string on the lamp and you lay there curled together. “I love you so much Josh. I am so proud of you. You did amazing this weekend.”

“Thank you my love, it’s all because of you. My lucky charm. I love you more every day. I swear.” He says.

Kissing him softly on his lips you whisper your goodnights knowing you had a long travel day tomorrow before heading to Los Angeles this week. Thinking of your perfect man you let your eyes flutter shut and the darkness whisks you away.

You’re in the hotel room sitting reading a book on the couch overlooking the boardwalk. It’s night time and the room is dimly lit providing the perfect ambiance to your book. Josh isn’t back yet but you know he will be soon. You are turning the pages of your book and you hear a knock at the door. Figuring Josh must have left his key, you open it but to your surprise it isn’t Josh. It’s Jake.

“Hi Jake, what are you doing here?” You ask.

Leaning against the door frame his tongue slightly peaking out he smiles, “Lookin for you…”

“Me?” You respond.

“Indeed. Can I come in?” He asks.

“Sure, Josh isn’t here though?” You reply as he makes his way inside. 

“Not here for him…” he replies. He examines your body up and down with a smirk. You remember that you are wearing pajamas with no bra and get nervous, covering your chest with your arms.

“Its too late to hide now, sugar…” He says.

You stare at him shocked at what he is saying and shocked that you felt a rush of heat to your center. This is Josh’s brother, his twin brother. You shouldn't feel anything.

Jake speaks again, “Don’t be shy, I know you're turned on.”

“I don't know what you mean…I’m with Josh...” You stammer.

“You are so sexy you know that? The good girl thing really does it for me. Then you come out tonight with your tits all pushed up like that? I saw your glances all night, trust me. I noticed.” He says.

Your arousal growing heavier by the words leaving his mouth you stare at him. He stands up and walks towards you causing you to walk backwards until you are met by the wall.

“Your breathing is getting heavier doll, are you okay?” He says smugly knowing you won’t reply.

“Tell me, are you as good a girl as you seem? Because I don’t think you are… I think my brother got himself wild one didn’t he?” He asks tracing his index finger over your collar bone pushing your pajama top off to the side.

Your breath hikes as his fingers make contact with your skin. It is a similar electric feeling as that first time with Josh. Desire is swirling inside of you so fast that you know its getting to be too late to stop it. This is going to go one of two ways, bad or really really good. You didn’t want to admit to yourself that you’ve always found Jake attractive. Attractive in the way that he is your boyfriends twin, the forbidden twin. The one that brings the edge to make up for the softness of Josh. The one who brings the sex appeal and melts you with simple hand movements and fuck me eyes. You can’t say that you haven’t imagined this moment before, before quickly pushing it away into the corner of your mind. 

“I can see you thinkin doll, you want this to happen don’t you?” He asks.

You continue to stare at him. Knowing if you reply it’s all over. 

“Say it doll. You know you want this. Don’t think about what Josh will say. He knows. We all know. We can all see you want me just as bad as I want you.” He says. 

The thin string you were hanging by snaps and you reply “I do want you.”

In a fury his lips are on yours kissing you in a way so hard and so different than Josh. Its aggressive and needy and the exact opposite of your sweet Josh, but you kind of like it. The forbidden qualities shining through with Jake. 

“See I knew you weren’t a good girl. I knew you were hiding under there somewhere.” He says removing your top. He unbuckles his pants and unbuttons his button fly before pulling your pants off of your body. There you stand naked before him. Your boyfriends twin brother. Your boyfriends insanely hot, long haired, guitar god, twin brother.

You connect your lips with his again wrapping his long hair around your fingers and gripping tightly. His hands find your breasts squeezing them gently before pinching your nipples between his thumb and forefinger. 

A moan releasing from your throat causing his dick to grow harder against your bare stomach. 

“Damn and my brother gets to hear that whenever he wants? Criminal.” He says into your neck.

Suddenly he is picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder walking over to the bed before throwing your body down on top of the sheets. 

“I know you want me to fuck you as bad as I want to fuck you but we have to make this quick. Josh will only be gone for another 10 minutes. I made sure of that.” he states, pushing his boxers off, his dick hanging heavily between his legs. You stare at his length comparing when he stops you mid thought. 

"Not everything the same, huh?" He says, knowing he may have an extra inch on Josh.

Playing his little game you respond, “I'll be the judge of that.”

“There she is, keep going baby, make this memorable.” He says.

“Fuck me Jake.” You say with venom lacing your words.

His fingers run up your center collecting your slick before he coats the head of his dick with it. Lining up with your wet opening he pushes forwards and bottoms out inside of you. A groan releasing from your lips at the feeling of fullness inside of you.

“Jesus Christ you feel good doll. You are so tight.” He says as he begins to slow pull out and push back in. You wrap you legs around his calves and stare at him his bare chest adorned with a single pendant coin necklace. Grabbing the metal strand and pulling him closer to you, your lips capturing his and violent kiss. His tongue is swirling with yours in a way that you haven’t experienced. Again it’s very different than the way you and Josh typically kiss.

He starts to pound into you quickly. More aggressively and extremely vocally as a sheen of sweat begins to cover his body. “Fuck I can get why Josh never shuts up about fucking you…” he grunts “and I have to sit there and listen to it. Do you know what that’s like doll? Watching you with him, knowing that I can fuck you like this?” He says hitting your sensitive spot inside causing you to scream.

“Yeah scream for me doll. Let everyone hear how good this dick makes you feel.” He says continuing his movements. 

His fingers reach down and pinch your clit and the growing feeling in your stomach is starting to peak. “Ah you’re close aren’t you sugar, you’re gonna cum for me aren’t you? Say my name...I want to hear it on that pretty mouth.” He demands.

“Jake I'm gonna cum, don’t stop.” You beg.

“I'm not stopping doll, you just make those pretty sounds wrapped around my dick.” He says.

With those words you are shot into orbit, vision black and surrounded by twinkling stars. Jake's voice snapping you back as he moans at the extra wetness. “Your pussy is so tight doll I’m gonna cum, fuck. Do you want me to shoot inside of you or out…” he asks hastily.

“Inside…” you breathe

“Fuck, ok sugar. So bad letting me cum inside of you... All the while you’re with my twin. Goddamn your fuckin sweet.” He says grunting into you as you feel his release spray through you.

“Fuck you’re so good.” He says collapsing on top of you. “That’s what I always thought it would be.” He says kissing your neck one last time before jumping up and running into the bathroom. You lay there in shock.

He turns the shower on and peeks his head out the door, “Here jump in and wash this off before he gets back. Our secret huh sugar?” He says buttoning his pants. You get up and walk into the bathroom as he adjusts himself in the mirror. You get in the shower and by the time you get out, he’s gone. You get back in bed, and think for a while as you wait for Josh to return. 

You hear an alarm clock going off loudly and you can’t seem to find the source. You hear Josh’s voice echoing through the entire room and you open your eyes to find yourself in bed wrapped up in his arms confused at your surroundings. When did he get back? What's happening? Does he know?

“Good morning angel. Did you enjoy your dream?” He says smugly.

Oh my god, it was a dream. You had a sex dream. About Jake. 

“How did you know I was dreaming?” You ask.

“You were moaning, I thought you even had an orgasm there for a second.” He laughs.

“I think I did... Did I… say anything?” You ask nervously.

“No. It was a lot of pleasurable sounds to wake up to though…” he smiles kissing your face.

“Even in your dreams i’m taking care of you huh angel?” He asks.

Your heart drops into your stomach and you nod your head at him not wanting to think about what just happened.

As you get up and head to the shower you are filled to the brim with guilt. How could your brain do this to Josh. Why is this happening? Do you subconsciously have feelings for Jake? You push it all to the side as you stand under the shower spray. You finish your shower lost in your thoughts and come out to see Josh packing his suitcase up. You get dressed hardly able to look him in the eye you feel so guilty. Choking back your emotions you pack your suitcase up. You are quiet, and you know Josh can tell. 

“What is wrong angel? You’re not yourself?” He asks rubbing his hand down your arm.

“Oh, nothing baby. I’m fine. Just tired.” You reply.

“If something is wrong you would tell me right?” He asks with a concerned look.

“Of course.” You reply, knowing full well this is one of those thingse doesn't need to know.

As you check in at the airport for your flight back to Nashville you are handed your ticket and make your way to the gate. All of you chat amongst yourself until it’s time to board. 45 minutes later you hear them call your boarding groups and you head onto the plane. You suddenly realize that you and Josh are not seated together. He is 3 rows ahead of you sitting next to a stranger. He sits down and shrugs his shoulders at you. As you make your way to your seat you slide in next to the window and sip your water waiting to see who will be sitting next to you. Sam passes. Danny passes. The other girls pass. You make eye contact with Jake who nods at you and sits down in the empty seat. This is your living nightmare and he has no idea.

“Looks like we’re together.” He says.

You about choke on your water. 

“So it seems. I wonder why we are all split up?” You question.

“Ah, well it will be a quickie.” He says.

Your breath hitches again as you recall your dream yet again.

“Mhmm” you say reaching for your book.

“Whatcha got there?” He asks.

“Ahh its just a book I’ve been reading this weekend. I'm almost done.” You reply.

“Am I that boring that you’d rather read a book than talk to me?” He asks.

You feel the plane start to glide down the tarmac indicating take off.

“No, I just don’t want to bother you.” You say.

“Ah you’re not a bother darlin, you’re one of us now.” He says.

You stare at him, he is sort of beautiful in his own way. Stop it! You tell yourself.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asks.

“Like what?” You reply.

“Like you’re scared of me or something, I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it.” He says.

You swallow hard and hold your breath as you feel the plane lifting off the ground. 

His hand pats the top of your arm, gripping the arm rest. And you suck in a breath.

“Nervous flyer?” He asks.

“A little bit today...” you say. Its not a lie. You are definitely nervous about this whole situation. You know he has no idea about your dream but god it felt so real you almost wonder if he had it too.

“Well, we will be fine don’t worry sugar.” He says with a kind smile. He leans over the arm rest into the aisle to see if he can see his girlfriend giving her a small wave and a smile. 

He sits back in his chair and blows out a breath. 

A while later he starts up a new conversation.

“You know, I’m really happy for you and Josh. I don’t think we have ever talked about it, but he really loves you and I’m glad you have each other. It’s a night and day difference for him.” He says.

“Thanks Jake, I love him too. He makes me really happy.” You reply. Still eaten alive by guilt.

“Good, he’s had a rough year, you know that though. When he is hurting so am I. So seeing him happy with you also makes me happy.” He says.

“Well I guess as long as he keeps me around, everyone will be…happy…” you joke.

“I don’t think you’re going anywhere darlin’. At least that’s what he told me.” He says.

“What do you mean?” You ask.

“Ah i’ve said to much. Just glad you’re in our life is all.” He says.

You let the conversation go and you turn to your place in your book and try to read for the rest of the flight even though your mind is racing through everything that has happened today. 

As you arrive back in Nashville you all say your goodbyes knowing you’ll be right back here tomorrow morning. You and Josh find his car in long term parking and get into the freezing cold cab.

“How was your flight my love?” Josh asks.

“Oh it was eventful, you know I was next to Jake right?” You say.

“I kind of saw that.” He laughs “I bet that was interesting, you two don’t talk very much.” 

“I always mean to, but I never know what to say.” You reply.

“Yeah he can be a little intimidating but I promise it’s all a facade. He is just like me with a tougher looking exterior.” He jokes.

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” You reply.

When you arrive back at Josh’s house you are met with the familiar feeling of home. It's smells, and comforts. You’re aren’t sure how Josh is able to do this all the time, leaving and returning. Its hard and you were only gone for 3 days, you can’t imagine it being months at a time.

Josh noticing you’re quiet again asks, “Baby, you are all in your head today. What is going on?”

“Nothing, Josh I promise. Just having an off day.” You reply. 

He raises his eyebrows at you, knowing you aren’t telling the truth but letting it go giving you a delicate kiss on the lips. 

He places an album on the turn table and you begin to relax and you sort through your suitcase removing the dirty clothes, replacing them with clean clothes and more outfits before you leave for LA tomorrow. Josh makes you both something to eat in the kitchen and you hear the song ‘Dirty Work’ by Steely Dan spinning, singing to your subconscious thoughts.

“When you need a bit of lovin’ cause your man is out of town, that’s the time you get me runnin’  and you know i’ll be around…. I’m a fool to do your dirty work, oh yeah…..I don’t wanna do your dirty work, no more, i’m a fool to do your dirty work oh yeah…..”

You feel a swirling feeling in your stomach like you’re going to vomit and run to the bathroom and sit on the floor. Why is the guilt eating you alive? You didn’t do anything wrong? Did you? You breathe deeply for a few minutes and collect your thoughts hoping Josh didn’t notice.

You hear footsteps and a knock at the door.

“Baby…” He questions.

“I'm ok.” You reply opening the door.

He stands there with his hands on his hips. “Quit lying to me. What is going on.” He says harshly.

Quickly running through all of the scenarios and what could possibly play out if you told the truth you decide on the the option with the best outcome.

“Josh I don’t know what to say…” You reply.

“Oh god what’s wrong?” He asks concerned.

“Can we sit?” You ask. 

You both sit down on the edge of his bed and you place your head in your hands.

“You’re scaring me angel what’s going on?” He asks nervously.

“Nothing is going on, nothing happened I am just…” you reply swallowing your nerve and telling the truth.

“Ok you know how last night when we had sex you were talking a lot, about your brothers and the music and we were so in the moment…” you stammer. “I don’t know if it was the alcohol mixing with my subconscious and your words or what… I just…”

“What, just say it…” he begs.

Taking a deep breath you respond. “I had a sex dream about your brother…” you say nervously looking him in the eyes. “It's eating me alive, that’s what you heard this morning. I feel so guilty and embarrassed and I haven’t been able to even look at you all day, I’m so sorry Josh.” You finish.

He stares at you blankly thinking about what you’ve said. Remembering your orgasm from this morning.

“Which brother...” He finally says.

“You know…don’t make me say it...” You reply.

“Say it now angel or it's only going to make it worse.” He snaps.

“Jake. It was about Jake. Im so sorry Josh, please.” You reply with tears in your eyes.

“Was it good?” He asks blankly.

“What?” You ask completely shocked.

“Was. It. Good. Did he fuck you real good in your dream, angel? Did he do all of the dirty little things you fantasize about?” He asks harshly shaking his head.

“I…Josh…” you say speechless.

Getting up and pacing around the room, he continues. “How long have you been thinking about Jake? Do you imagine him when I am fucking you?” He asks.

“Josh how could you say that? You know I love you…” you say, devastated he would even say that.

“Save it. I can’t believe the moans coming from your mouth this morning. All along I thought you were dreaming of me. Of course it wasn’t me…my own fucking brother. My twin. Why was I not enough? You are dreaming about fucking JAKE?!” he finishes teetering on anger. 

“Josh stop it” you cry. “Don’t you think I feel guilty? I love you. I don’t know why this happened!” You cry to him.

“Answer my question.” He says.

“What question?” You reply.

“Was it good? Did you like it? Tell the truth.” He demands.

“Josh, I…” You stop not wanting to finish the sentence as the tears freely flowing from your eyes.

"Answer!!" he yells at you.

You burst into tears, "Yes!"

A pissed off sigh coming from his chest he walks over to you, your face streaked with tears, taking it between his hands. “Go home…” he says behind his teeth, brushing his thumbs over your cheeks.

“I thought you said... this was home…” you say crying harder.

“Not anymore.” He says, releasing your face forcefully and walking away.

“What about LA?” You ask, scared to hear his answer.

“I'm going alone.” He replies coldly.

Throwing yourself back onto the bed your crossed arms cover your face as you quietly sob into them as Josh leaves the room.

Laying in his bed wondering if it’s the last time, you breath in his smells remembering this moment, You pull yourself up, looking at yourself in the mirror. Puffy eyes, swollen with tears. Your heart broken over something you couldn’t control. You’ve lost him. You collect your things and catch a glance at the polaroid tucked into the frame on his side table. A photo from Sammy’s camera that he took over Thanksgiving. A photo of you and Josh dancing in his living room, your smiles genuine and covered in love. Everything was perfect. Your heart breaks a little more.

You roll your suitcase out to the living room and Josh is gone. You see a plate of food set set neatly for you on the counter, remnants from earlier in the evening and you cry again. 

You call out for him, but the house is silent. His car is gone.

You load your things into your car and as you pull away from his house you wonder if it will be for the last time, another sob ringing out from your chest. The realization of how much you actually love him becoming evident. 

As you unlock the door to the apartment you see Amelia sitting on the couch watching tv and your eyes meet hers and she knows. You don’t even have to say anything and you she running to your side. 

“Oh god, pen. Is it really bad?” She asks.

You nod your head and collapse into her comforting hug and explain everything, so thankful you have her. 

.

.

.

You haven’t heard from Josh. It’s been days. You know he is in Los Angeles and you’re supposed to be there with him. You had a whole day planned together just you and him doing Christmas activities. Now you’re at your apartment alone and heartbroken. You check your phone constantly waiting to hear from him. But nothing ever comes. Checking social media, but he never posts. He’s completely silent. Amelia drags you out of the house to do some Christmas shopping and you can’t help but see a thousand things that remind you of him. As you walk around an antique mall you spot an item that you know was put there for you to find. Even though you and Josh are not speaking, you purchase the item, knowing that it is the perfect gift. Even if you have to leave it on his porch, you know it is destined to belong to him. You take the item home and wrap it delicately in brown paper. That night when you check social media you are presented with a tagged post. The guys are in a restaurant in LA and they are drinking and look so happy and you are crushed. He looks so happy. You miss him so badly but don’t reach out. You can’t.

You convince yourself to watch the livestream of the guys performance tonight even though you know it’s just torturing yourself. As you see them walk up to be interviewed your eyes fill with tears. Josh looks amazing and happy. It hurts knowing you are here like this and he is there completely unaffected. They all smile and laugh and are glowing together. You can’t believe you ruined everything. A while later they take the stage but something is off. Their moods aren’t the same. The crowd is almost empty and quiet. You can see the frustration on Josh’s face. He is tired, and out of breath. They are rushing through the set, and as quickly as they started its over. This was their last show of the year and you know he won’t be happy with how they left things. You feel for him and again want to reach out but don’t.

One, two, three more days pass. Still you have heard nothing.

On the fourth day you wake up to a text message.

Jake: Call me.

You feel like you’re going to throw up. You can’t call Jake? That is adding more fuel to the fire. Why is he texting you? You think on it for a few more minutes as your finger hovers over the contact and you hit the call button.

“Hello?” He answers.

“Hi” you reply shakily.

“Hi” he replies. “How are you doing?” He asks.

“I’m not great Jake, I think you know that.” You quip back.

“I do, and I'm sorry.” He says, “Have you heard from him?”

“No.” You respond.

“I figured as much. You need to talk to him.” He says. “Go to his house.”

“I don’t know Jake he pretty much told me to leave and was gone before I left. I haven’t heard from him since. I think he is done.” You say.

“Hes not. Just trust me.” He says.

“Okay.” You reply.

“So you’ll do it. You’ll go?” He asks.

“When I gather up enough courage, yes.” You say.

“Do it soon. Please.” He begs.

“Okay, I will.” You say.

“Thank you, we miss you, you know...” He says

“I miss you guys too.” You reply

“I hope everything works out. I’ll talk to you later.” He says.

“Thanks Jake. Bye.” You say ending the call.

Well that was odd. You think about what he said. You thought you and Josh were done, but maybe you weren’t after all. You talk to Amelia and she agrees that maybe you just need to go talk to him face to face now that some time has passed. You get yourself ready and give yourself about 10 pep talks to keep yourself from backing out. You get into your car and head over. The worst thing that can happen is that he can tell you he is done and to go home. As you pull into the driveway you see his car and get a horrible wave of nervous energy in your stomach. You try to breathe and center yourself. As you get out and walk to the door you are still shaking with nerves. You knock on the door three times and wait.

The door opens and he stands there staring at you blankly, fresh out of a shower, wrapped in a towel.

“Do you always answer the door naked?” You ask shyly.

“Well I wasn’t expecting anyone...” He replies with the tiniest hint of a smile. “Come in.” He says.

As you walk in it no longer feels homey you feel strange and uncomfortable. You sit on his couch, and he tells you he will be right back. A few minutes later her returns fully clothed and sits down in a chair next to the couch. 

“Josh, I….” You start, you are unsure of how to explain how you feel but you hope he will understand if he just listens. “Im so sorry.”

“I know you are. He replies. 

“I never meant for any of this to happen. I love you so much. Only you. I don’t even know why I had that dream. It meant nothing to me….” You say.

“I know.” He says. 

“Can you say something? Anything other than I know? I am trying to make this right. I'm getting the feeling that you don’t want to do that.” You say.

“What do you want me to say? That you broke my heart? That you broke my heart thinking about fucking my brother? And that you enjoyed it? I have given you everything I have! I love you, I wanted it all with you! I just don’t know how I can get past this… it hurts.” he says.

“You left me here. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.” you say.

“I know. I had to know.” He says.

“Know what?” You reply.

“When I left here I drove straight to his house. I asked him if he had any feelings for you. To which he obviously said no. I told him what happened and told him that if there was anything going on he needed to tell me right then. He told me I was insane and that he would never do that. That I needed to go back to you before I ruined everything. When I got home you were gone.” He said.

“You told me to go Josh…” You say with tears in your eyes. 

“I know, I did but I didn’t think you would actually do it! I just knew I would get back in time but you were gone. I thought that meant you…” he swallows back his own tears.

“Josh no…” you say reaching for his hand. “I love you. Only you. Never anyone else. How could you possibly think…” you say fully crying now.

“I don’t know, I know you love me but I just… I over reacted and I was cruel and I thought I lost you. I almost came to you that night but I was afraid you would turn me away. And then I was in LA and I was miserable. But I couldn’t call you. I didn’t know what to say. Then Jake and I argued before the show because I just couldn’t let it go. I got too drunk that night and fought with everyone… everyone was pissed at me. My life has been a mess the past week and I didn’t have you, and everything just seemed really bad. Too bad. I finally talked to Jake last night and he helped me realize that I can’t do this without you. Any of it. I didn’t know how to make things right between us. I was going to let you go. Now you’re here and I still don’t know what to say other than I love you so much and I am so sorry. ” He finishes.

Launching yourself into his lap you sit straddling him and just cry on his shoulder. His arms wrap around you and pull you closer. 

“I'm so sorry baby I never wanted this to happen. This was the worst week of my life, watching you sing from my bed, heartbroken. I thought you were happier without me there. The pictures were so convincing and I was so devastated.” You cry into his chest. “I will never want anyone else, only you Josh. Please believe me.”

“I do believe you angel.”

Your lips reuniting with a passionate kiss, his hands desperately gripping you to him.

Pulling away, you say “You know he called me and told me to come to you right?"

He stares at you.

“He told me to come here, to come to you. He loves you so much Josh, he was devastated for you. He cares about you so much. We both do. How could you ever think…” he cuts you off with his lips on yours again, his tongue finding yours, telling you everything he couldn’t say for the past week and a half.

You lips connected, he stands up from the chair carrying you to his bedroom and gently places you on his bed. 

“Please let me love you angel.” He says.

“Please Josh...” You beg. 

You are desperate for his touch, to feel him again.

You both quickly remove your clothes and find each other again under the sheets. 

“I never want to feel the feeling I felt when I came back and you were gone.” He says kissing your neck. “That was the worst pain I’ve felt in my life. I thought you were gone for good.” 

“I will never leave you Josh.” You reply.

“Promise me.” He says lining himself with your center.

“I promise. Everything I have.” You say as you feel him slowly push inside of you. 

This sex is different, it’s slow and filled with emotions. There isn’t an urgent moment. Every single second is spent with Josh reverently worshipping every inch of your body and you his. You both work slowly towards your release, sharing with each other every raw emotion and feeling in between the seconds. After you both come down from your orgasms he whispers into your hair, “I will love you forever my angel. Please never go.”

“Never.” You reply.

.

.

You and Josh become absolutely inseparable from each other over the next few days. You and he sharing a new found connection that brings you closer than you ever thought you could be. The days are spent watching Christmas movies together and enjoying just being together. Josh has asked you to come home with him for Christmas with his family and you can think of no better way to spend it. 

.

.

Christmas Eve at Josh’s childhood home proves to be nothing short of magical. Everyone is here and you feel so much love for all the people around you. Karen and Kelly have decorated the house with lights, and the inside is just as beautifully decorated as the outside. You spend the evening around the fireplace laughing, telling jokes and stories from years past. Sammy and Jake are completely wasted on eggnog and playfully bickering with one another as you all cheer them on. As you watch them, Josh stands up and pulls your hand up with him. 

“Come with me.” He says.

You follow behind him as he drags you by your interlaced fingers.

He leads you to the Christmas tree in the basement, squatting down and retrieving two small boxes from under the tree. 

“Josh, Christmas is tomorrow!” You say.

“I know and there will be things to open tomorrow too, but these are special. For me and you only.” He says.

“Fine then you get to open your special gift too.” You say retrieving the one you brought for him.

He hands you the small box, and you both sit down on the floor. He nods at you to go ahead with a huge smile on his face. You slowly unwrap the package and open the little white box. Your heart swells when you immediately recognize what it is. Its a gold necklace with a ‘J’ initial pendant. It is the necklace he has worn every night on his tour. 

“I want you to have it. Every night when I would put it on I would imagine what it would look like around your neck. My name. You were always meant to have it.” He says with his hand on your knee. 

“Oh Josh, I love it so much. Thank you. It means so much to me.” You say with a kiss. 

You put it on and clasp it around your neck.

“Its perfect. Exactly like I pictured it. Even better actually.” He replies lovingly. 

“Your turn! Gosh I hope you like it.” you say nervously.

Josh unwraps the gift pulling out a vintage leather-bound notebook with a worn cover. Inside the first page you have written a note.

“For all of your brilliant ideas. Don’t forget to live your dream, too. I love you forever."

Wiping a small tear from his eye, he then pulls out of the box, a super vintage handheld film video camera with a bright red bow attached. 

“I hope you like it, I saw it when you were in LA and thought of you.It broke my heart and I knew you were meant to have it. I didn’t know if I was going to see you again though. I was going to leave it on your doorstep, but this plan works out better.” You say giggling.

“You are the most amazing woman. The love of my life. It’s the best gift I have ever received.”

“I'm glad you like it, I love you so much Josh. Merry Christmas.” you say.

“Merry Christmas my love, although I do have one more for you. If… you want it.” He says playfully.

“Okay, only if you’re sure.” He says.

“Never been more sure than right now.” He smiles, handing you the box.

 You unwrap it the paper and open the box and there is a gold house key with a red bow tied to the top.

“Move in with me…” Josh asks. “I know you practically live with me now, but I want you there all the time. All of your things. I want to come home to you. Every late night at the studio, every long leg of tour…. I want you. If you can’t be with me there, at least I know you’ll be at home. Our home. ” He says.

“Are you… sure Josh?” You ask clutching the key in your hand.

“I have never been more sure of anything in my life angel. I love you, I want this with you. All of it. Always. ” He says.

You kiss his soft warm lips as you respond throwing your arms around his neck. 

“Yes.”

.

.

.

.

fin

[fatedtruths]

henry && alex

henry was going to be late to meet percy , he knew that , but he had caught a glimpse of the new writing from @leschanceux at the top of his forearm as he was getting change. so he stopped everything to reply to the man on the other side of the world

< come to america , we can celebrate them both together . >

alex had written . their birthdays , only a week apart . his twentieth and alex's nineteenth and if they were anyone else . . . . no if henry was anyone else then nothing would stop him . a week in america , bouncing from one birthday to the other with people who they both trust . but he wasn't someone else , he was prince henry and prince henry was britian's in every way that counted , in every way that mattered .

and that included birthdays .

truthfully , he knows his grandmother is flexing her control to prove a point . a point she has already driven home relentlessly . about how they celebrate holidays as a united front and only their holidays so they continue to look as impartial as possible . philip was already decided on raf cranwell by the time he was twenty henry has been reminded, constantly, i think it is time you take your role more seriously . so the weekend of his birthday would be spent in berkshire as he represents the crown at the army parade at sandhurst , then onto lympstone for the marines and lambeth for the navy cadets .

the most he is hoping for is percy running away with him to wales where philip and maybe bea might make an appearance . but he certianly couldn't get out of the country .

< i wish that i could . >

there's a pause and then he pressed the pen to his skin again .

< my grandmother found out about thanksgiving . i think she is trying to make a point . >

sitting on the floor of his bedroom in his college in oxford, henry let his head tip back against the mattress as he waited for alex's reply . laughing a little as david, who he thought was asleep on his bed , took the time to lick his ear .

< i promise you, one day we'll be able to just be, and fuck everyone else. >

when alex writes it makes his whole body warm comfortably . better than any blanket , it is made better because he can hear the american's voice in his head as he reads his messy scrawl.

fuck everyone . twirling his pen around his fingers , henry underlined those two words with a quiet laugh to himself . drawing an arrow from the underline to a bare bit of skin, like alex's words are one of his poems that he dissects in his study periods .   next to the neat arrowhead he writes :

< would it be too controlling to say i would rather you didn't, dear ? >

louise's inbox cleanse 2k24

[feverinfeveroutfic]

hanukkah bingo 2023

Fic or Art/Graphic Title: alone in the dark, prologue: “If I Were a Rich Man” Author/Artist Name: josiebelladonna Fandom: Testament (Band) Jewish or Jew-Ish Character(s): Alex Skolnick (and how) Bingo Squares Being Filled: h3 (music), h4 (tradition), h5 (first night), a2 (snow), n2 (family), n4 (survival), u4 (winter), h2 (yiddish) Rating: (chapter) Teen and Up; (fic in general) Mature Warning(s): Creator Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings Link to Work: x (p.s., no idea why ao3 isn’t letting me add this to the collection, like it’s not showing up in the drop-down menu when i try to add it in) @aimmyarrowshigh

notes: hey, y’all! i’m a gentile girl participating in this little challenge here because i love you guys and am fiercely defensive of you, and i want to introduce you all to the light of my life and the fire of my loins, alex. this fic is flirty, kinky, and very inappropriate so please be careful while reading. i also wrote this fic for nanowrimo this year! 🔥

I was certain that I could get back home to be with my parents and my brother over in Scarsdale and the new house a couple of blocks over by the temple, and I was certain that I could reach the neighborhood by the time the snow piled into the area. I had promised to, at the very least, visit for the holiday before I made the bold move across the country to be closer to my parents in particular. I had missed Rosh Hashanah back in September because of money, but this time I was determined, and I wanted to be closer to my parents, and it couldn’t have come at a better time, either, as I was alone in California at that point. Then again, there was a part of me that had no idea if I wanted to do that: so much work to do, and I needed to lay my head down every now and again like everyone else. My parents understood the daunting task that faced me, but I still had that obligation upon my first visit.

Regardless of my own indolence, they were getting older, and I was as well. It was time to do something drastic, and something that, I knew in my heart, would help me forever. It all would help me forever.

But I never did reach there on time, and the whole affair had left me wanting more of it all. Maybe I was greedy, but I would admit to it, though.

I was such a mess at the time, and the delays only made me more of a mess. It was times like this where I couldn’t stop to say that I had survived another year without having my throat slit so I can eat, either. This was something else. This was something that brought me elsewhere.

I was flying into New York from the Bay Area the weekend before the first night of Hanukkah, which, much to my dismay, coincided with the week after Thanksgiving. I had missed most of the crowds on the Wednesday and Thursday prior, but I still knew it was going to be hell because I was leaving on that Saturday, before everyone went home, so I had to hustle and go with the flow regardless of anything. I needed to fly in from California to see my parents, especially for that year as my relationship had ended over the summer and I spent what money I had on my person before my next paycheck from the gigs I could scrounge up to keep my head above water for the time being. I had missed Thanksgiving with them all because I didn't get paid yet, and thus, I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to be home, to clear my head, to heal my heart and my mind, and to feel like myself again.

I was out of Testament: I had left almost two years prior when my relationship remained in good shape and she was the first person I told about my decision to leave all because I needed a challenge. The next person I told was a friend of mine, followed by my father and my mother, and she reasoned with me about it because I knew it was going to be tricky.

Be patient, I was told. Be patient and just roll with it.

Okay.

On second thought, I was glad that I had left when I did because they pretty much imploded the second I walked out that door with my guitar over my back. There was a part of me that believed that I had become a glue of sorts, and my departure only made them fall apart even more. For a moment, I was guilty, but I needed to move on and find my own footing, even if it meant I had nothing for a while.

I was going to have nothing again. I took the first plane out of the Bay Area at around five in the morning, and the night before, I called my mom for a check-in.

“I’ll pick you up at baggage claim, honey,” she vowed to me, and I took that to heart. I had to be there for at the very least the first night and the lighting of the menorah. The first flame that would light up the proverbial oil in my own heart.

We broke up back in August, and I still licked my wounds at that point. I had nothing to do other than play the blues for myself: I knew I always had it in me, the one Jewish boy in a yuppie neighborhood in the outskirts of San Francisco with the older parents. I had my friends but I still found myself alone at times.

We were together for only two years: I had met her shortly before my last tour with Testament and maybe it was just my own ignorance, but I thought I had found my one and only. I gave her my heart and she took it and tore it straight to shreds. I was torn to shreds.

I couldn’t bear to look at my own reflection, at my hair, at my face, at anything. In fact, it was right after she and I had gone our separate ways when I decided to crop my hair from the top of my stomach up to my shoulders. I could still let my hair fly around behind my head whenever I walked and whenever there was a gust of wind.

I had gained a little bit of weight since the break up, enough to pad my tummy a bit but not nearly enough to make me fat, though. I knew I was always going to be a skinny lad, even when I grew into middle age. I loved to eat, and there was a part of me that wanted my body to stay the same no matter what I stuck through my lips. So, that was another thing I looked forward to. I had survived another year without having my throat slit and my body broken, other than proverbially, so I would resort to eating to my heart's content.

I had brought one of my guitars with me because I knew I was going to have to perform for my family once I got there. I was Mr. Big Shot after all, having gone from a rock n' roll band which I helped build from the ground up and then I went about my own way. I had to show and tell once I made my way to the house and we were all settled in for the next eight evenings. It was the one I always kept in a soft fabric case lest anything happen to it on the plane; I checked myself into the airport, and I took my one overnight bag with me onboard.

Once I tucked it into the overhead, I hunkered down in the middle of the plane. And the very second I sat down next to the little old man by the window, I let the thoughts hit me: if the plane went down, he and I both could probably survive, and we could survive with the fire on my back. I was already in the mood for surviving, and all I needed was the proper situation for it.

Then again, as soon as I thought that, I knew I would have to pay the price. Such was my life at the time.

Within time, there was a little more than fifty people around me and the old man, and the door closed.

I'm coming home, Mom, I thought to myself. Mom and Dad.

The airplane rolled along the blacktop: I peered out the window, past the old man's slumbering face, at the glimmering lights as they lined the dark horizon, at the black sky overhead where there wasn't a star to be seen. I returned my attention towards the front of the cabin, and I closed my eyes. I never liked the take-off, especially at night and the stars had not poked out as of yet. So many things could go wrong. So many things on the plane could go wrong and I did not want to even so much as think about it but I thought about it, anyway.

I held my breath and gripped onto the armrests on either side of me.

The old man next to me was still asleep by the time the landscape fell away from the plane and we rose up into the blackness. I closed my eyes.

It felt like an eternity rising up into the clouds before we finally leveled out.

I opened my eyes and it felt as though my chest was about to explode. I opened my lips and let out a low whistle. I peered out the window again, and that time I could see the clouds right below us, barring the wispy ones that caressed the body of the plane.

I needed something. I needed to find a way. It had been two years since I bailed from Testament and I still hadn't found my way.

Of the whole time that she and I were together, not once did we have an intimate period together. In fact, she barely touched me. It was as if she waited for me to make a move on her when I was totally lost on what to do for her. All the while, I had this lingering guilt in the back of my mind that told me that I had no right to feel that way. How dare I feel that way about her, or anyone for that matter. I couldn't say that I needed to be touched or held because it was too much to even talk about.

I knew it was hard for her, and I always hear how it's hard for them, but there was me, though. The boy with the long hair who looked on at girls with nothing more than pure fantasy because he didn't feel good enough about himself.

In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she wasn't for me. And the more I thought about that, the more I wondered if I could have any woman I wanted, or any man for that matter.

Indeed, I glanced over the sleeping old man in the window seat next to me, with the brim of his hat tugged down over his eyes and his hands tucked underneath his face. His ashen skin and the heavy tweed that wrapped up his body reminded me of my grandpa and the way he'd always dress after he came home from the temple.

I couldn't explain it but the weirdest thought crossed my mind right then: to make out with a man in a temple. In fact, I fluttered my eyelids and shook my head about as if I had bumped my head at the mere suggestion of it. I rubbed my brow and shook my head some more.

“Are you okay?” the stewardess asked me. I lifted my head for a look into her big blue eyes and her golden blonde hair: she looked like a model on one of those greeting cards you'd see around this time of year.

“Me?” I asked her with a break in my voice.

“Yeah, I saw you shaking your head about. Do you feel okay? Do you want some aspirin?”

“Oh, no, it's just—the altitude,” I told her, and I couldn't resist the grin on my face. “I would like a drink of water and maybe a cup of coffee, too, though.”

“You got it,” she assured me, and for a second, I swore she winked at me.

I was a skinny lad with a little extra butter cream on my ass and I could feel it in my pants. In fact, if there weren't three children about two rows in front of me, I would have gladly unfastened my belt for her. Maybe I was a crazy creep at that point, but I had my feelings, too. I simply couldn't help myself. I was fresh off the boat in a few things, but I had my feelings, too.

I needed to feel and connect. I needed to be safe with another person, and I was so close to making the declaration that I didn't care as to whom I could connect with, either. Karma was more of a bitch to me than I realized before.

She returned to me with two paper cups in either hand, one of water and a cardboard one with coffee. The warmth crossed my face at the sight of her; I thanked her and sipped on the water first. All the while, I watched her go tend to the two women three rows before me; I craned my neck for a better view of her there. She wore that short dark green skirt that accentuated the shape of her legs.

I raised my eyebrow and sipped on the water some more as my eyes wandered up to the backs of her thighs and the shape of her ass. I then set down the cup and rubbed my eyes.

I'm a dog. I'm a dirty dog and a bastard, but my eyes wandered no matter what.

Maybe I needed to tamp down everything. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was the one for me but I had no other means of telling her because we should just assume.

I rolled my head over the surface of the seat for a view out the window again: that time, I saw nothing but clouds underneath the belly of the plane. Something about it gave me a weird feeling.

The weirdest feeling, even as I sipped on the coffee. There was no way I could take a nap, either. So much to think about with all of this.

And yet, I needed something to do.

I needed something to do.

I brought the coffee cup up to my mouth again as I took another peek at the stewardess, who had moved up to the next row. I could see the entirety of her figure as well as the backs of her legs. Those three kids in front of me were going to have to know about it sooner or later—

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking,” the intercom crackled on over our heads. “—I'm afraid we're going to be making an emergency landing in Reno. Radar is showing a massive blizzard over the Rocky Mountains, as well as an incoming one over the Sierra Nevadas. Please fasten your seatbelts.”

My heart sank at that. So much for going home to my parents on time.

I glanced out the window again, and indeed, more and more clouds collected along the northern end of the Central Valley to the point I couldn't see anything over there.

“That was fast, though,” I muttered, simply because I knew we had barely cleared the Sierras at that point.

“Fasten your seatbelts, we're making an emergency landing in Reno,” I heard the stewardess say to the two women in front of me.

“Wonder what happened,” the old man next to me said aloud, and I turned my attention to him.

“There's a blizzard over the Rockies,” I told him. “Pretty big one, too. I think there's one coming in from the Northwest, too.”

Once again, I peered out the window to the darkness down below the plane: that time I made out the orange glow on the underside of the incoming clouds, and I knew that northern Nevada and the Sierras looked at a great deal of snow. I sighed through my nose, and I gripped onto the armrest with my free hand. I was already starting to regret the cup of coffee.

“You look nervous, son,” said the old man. “We're in the best spot if there's a crash.”

“I am a little bit nervous, to be frank,” I confessed to him.

“It's funny because my name is Frank,” he quipped to me, and I couldn't help but laugh, albeit nervous laughter.

“I'm Alex,” I said. “And I really hope I'm not the last person you see before this flight ends.” We were in fact flying into the rim of a massive blizzard, and for all any of us onboard knew, we could hit a wave of turbulence and crash right into one of the mountain sides around Lake Tahoe. But I was certain that we would survive, however. It was still rather nerve racking to look out the window and see nothing but orange clouds and not know the whereabouts of any mountains down below us.

“Where were you headed, by the way?” he asked me.

“New York. I was going to be with my parents for Hanukkah.”

“Oh, Hanukkah! I was going to be with my daughter and my son-in-law for the next month: they're in school so their Thanksgiving break will end in the next day or two, but they wanted me to come along before Christmas.”

“Aw, that's sweet of them,” I said in a soft voice; something about the mention of marriage my heart sink even more, and yet there was an even bigger voice which loomed in the back of my mind that told me to embrace being alone, even in the circumstance of the plane crashing down. All the while, I braced for impact on the mountains, but we never did hit anything as we descended through the clouds. I kept on looking out the window to the pitch darkness below us.

“It's been a while since I've been over the Reno-Carson City area,” he continued.

“How long?” I asked him.

“About ten years. My daughter got married in Hawai'i over the summer, but she always came home to the Bay Area.”

“I'm kind of alone back there,” I confessed to him with a toss of my hair back. “For me, it almost feels like I'm coming home to New York.”

“You? Alone? A handsome Jewish boy like yourself should have the girls all over you.”

I bowed my head and blushed at that. I had never really heard the word “handsome” thrown my way before, at least not after I turned eighteen. It was always “cute” or “hot”.

“I see Reno,” I heard one of the children in front of me say aloud.

“Do you see Reno?” I asked him.

“There she is,” he remarked with a gesture out the window. Beyond the mountains and the wispy clouds stood the glimmering lights of Reno, Nevada. I knew I would have to call my mom, anyway, should there be a layover of any kind, but I never knew I would have to do it when the plane had just barely left California. I shivered even though the heater worked fine all around us. I was going to be alone for Hanukkah as well as Thanksgiving.

I was going to be stuck there with only a few bucks to my name.

I held still as we kept on the descent to the airport, but Frank seemed eager to step off the plane to be with his family. So much was my own life.

In fact, as we made our way through the clouds, I noticed the little flurries collecting on the other side of the glass.

“It's snowing,” I told him, and his face lit up at the sight of it.

“It is!” he declared.

We rounded the outskirts of the city before I could feel the plane sinking down towards the blacktop. The kids ahead of me seemed more anxious than me to get off that plane: I hoped that I could have enough to even feed myself let alone find a place to stay in for the night.

The snow picked up the pace outside of the plane windows, and already, I could see the drifts forming on the runway as we touched down: the entire plane jolted forth, which was in turn followed by a slight wobble at the back.

“Ice on the runway—hang on, everyone,” I heard one of the stewardesses say. The blonde had disappeared into the back of the plane, and I didn't think to ask her for her number, either, especially since the plane slowed as best as it could before it reached the actually airport itself. I closed my eyes, and I could feel Frank's fingers on the back of my hand.

“We'll be alright, son,” he assured me.

I cracked him a smile but I was still nervous.

But then the plane hit a dry patch of tarmac, and we slowed up a great deal. That time I opened my eyes and gazed out the window: little flurries floated outside of the glass but the sky directly overhead was clear. It was only a matter of time, though.

I almost wanted to laugh when we jolted some more along the tarmac towards the airport: something about it just seemed funny to me, a big jet airliner like that jolting forth like someone learning to drive. But we reached the terminal and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I stood up first and picked my bag out of the compartment: I was glad I had my big peacoat in there because there was no way I could walk out there dressed in nothing more than jeans and a T-shirt. I hoisted my bag over my shoulder: the blonde stewardess had stayed in the back of the plane, and thus, I was greeted by a different woman at the door of the plane as I made my way out of there.

Only fifty of us, and we all congregated in the space outside of the gate in total silence.

“Are we the only ones here?” one woman asked aloud.

“I think we are,” I told her.

“All the flights are cancelled,” said another woman who stood by the big screen near the gate. “Every single one of them, including the ones to Phoenix and Dallas.” I craned my neck for a better look: sure enough, the ones headed out to New York were all kaput. Add to that, we were alone in the whole entire airport.

“Looks like we're all gonna pitch tents for the time being,” one man declared. Frank strode up behind me with his suitcase in hand and a quizzical look on his face.

“What's happening?” he asked me.

“I think the airport's closed,” I told him, and I could feel my heart sink. After all of that preparation and hope that I had set aside for myself, and I found myself stranded in the airport in the heart of downtown Reno.

“I'm lucky my daughter's in town,” Frank said with a grim look on his face. “I hope you can find your way out of here, son.”

“I hope so, too. You stay warm for me, okay?”

“Of course! And I would take you home with us if there wasn't only room for one more.” He patted my upper arm and showed me a smile before he stepped away and towards the big front doors of the airport. I sighed through my nose and took my wallet out of my jeans pocket. Somewhere around that airport was a series of payphones: I had just enough money to call my mom and buy myself a hotel room, but I had no idea if I was going to have enough for breakfast in the morning. I could either be cold and have food in my belly, or I could be cozy warm with a bed and a shower but wake up hungry the next morning.

One of the women who sat in front of me turned her attention to me: an older lady with dark shoulder length hair and wire framed glasses. She reminded me of my mom when she was younger.

“Do you need a ride?” she offered me.

“I do, as a matter of fact,” I said in a low voice. “I have money for a hotel room but not enough to get something to eat, though.” The woman next to her turned her attention to me as well: she had a head of short, fiery red hair and big dark eyes that seemed to swallow me whole. She looked a lot younger, too, as if she was the daughter.

“We could take you in for the time being,” the one on the left told me.

“Could you?” I asked her.

“Yeah! We're only going to see my parents—her grandparents—” She gestured to the girl next to her. “—here in Reno, but they have a big house, though. We could help you out.”

The last thing I wanted was to impose on her or her daughter. But it was a nice gesture and I was stuck in Reno with nowhere else to go. Donner Pass was closed, and I had no car and no other means to contact anyone. I may as well go with these two women. I showed them a little smile: the girl bowed her head a bit at me as if she was shy. The airport lights shone over her short red hair to make it look even redder than usual. Her brown eyes gelled with that rich red color so well that it made me think of a volcano. I returned to the woman and her putting her fingerless leather gloves on.

“I'll do it, but I don't want it to feel like I'm pressuring you, though,” I confessed with a shake of my head.

“Believe me, you aren't,” she assured me. “I'm a school teacher so I know how to handle strange situations, however they may come up.”

“My parents are teachers, too,” I told her. “They know the feeling, too.”

“Oh, wow! I’m Wendy,” she introduced to me. “Wendy Peck. And this is my daughter Christine.”

“I’m Alex,” I said. “And seeing as you’re a teacher, may I call you Mrs. Peck?”

“Oh!” She chuckled at that. “You're too sweet, Alex. You can call me whatever you want.” I turned my attention to Christine and her head of short red hair. It was so bright and fiery red, as if she had dyed it with Kool-Aid.

“I like your hair, by the way,” I told her.

“Thank you,” she said in a small voice. 

“I say I know how to handle strange situations,” Wendy repeated to me, “but she is the one exception. Two years ago, just out of the blue, she decided to cut her hair really short like this and dye it bright green, then fiery red. Seventeen years old, soon to be eighteen, and I felt I lost control of her a long time ago.” She chuckled and shook her head at that. But I turned to Christine, however.

“If it makes you feel better, my parents feel the same way about me,” I told her.

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. So many times growing up, I'd hear 'my kid's meshuggah!' or 'my boy's meshuggah!' whenever I did anything, especially when I got into music and again when I got ink done.”

She gaped at me and her eyes sparkled.

“'Meshuggah', is that—Yiddish?” Wendy asked me.

“Sure is. My family's Ashkenazi Jewish. I was headed out to New York City to be with my parents and my brother—the first night of Hanukkah is on Monday. I missed Thanksgiving, so I really want to be home for those eight nights.”

“I have a few Jewish kids in my class,” she elaborated. “I'll hear them throw out some words here and there and it's always interesting to hear.”

“We're one big family,” I proclaimed, and I noticed her looking over at something behind me. I followed her gaze to the baggage claim, and I realized that my guitar case may be over there.

“Let's go and get our things,” Wendy goaded me and Christine, and the three of us walked on over there, away from the other fifty people fretting about what to do next. Christine walked along side me, and the crown of her red hair only reached my shoulder.

“Seventeen, you said?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I'll be eighteen in April,” she replied. “I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school, though.”

“Do you play any instruments? Because if you play something, you can go and start a band or be a singer songwriter like Liz Phair or somebody.”

“Not really. I like art, though, but I'm not very good at it.”

“I'm sure you can get good at it,” I promised her with a nod. “I didn't think I'd be good at guitar when I was a kid, but here I am, calling myself a professional guitarist.”

“Do you have your guitar?” she asked me.

“It's over here with the luggage people,” I answered, and I could not resist the grin on my face. Seventeen or not, there was something about her that tickled me. I had no idea if it came from her fiery red hair or the twinkle in her dark eyes.

She had more of a twinkle in her eyes when I showed her the soft felt case and slung it over my other shoulder.

“Travelling Wilbury!” Wendy decreed as she handed Christine her little suitcase.

“For real!” I chuckled at that. “All I'm missing is a hat.”

I let my hair flow back behind me as the three of us returned to the front of the airport, and we stepped outside to see the snow drifting down in fine flurries over us. The blizzard was only beginning, and especially since the darkness seemed to fall over the whole heart of Reno. I turned my attention to the Hilton off to the left, only to find that the sign had burned out.

“Is the power out across town?” I asked them in a hushed voice.

“I think it is,” Wendy told me as she reached into her coat pocket for her car keys. “It's going to be really strange going back home...”