#another win for my trauma responses

[tributes-vamps-and-ginnyweasley]

The good thing about an incredibly emotionally tumultuous couple of weeks is that I've gotten so much inspiration for writing.

Like, sure, am I in debt? Lots. Is everything falling apart? Yes. Am I on the verge of a mental break down? Yes.

But, I've written a lot for my WIPs. Like hundreds of thousands of words. And came up with new plot points and character architecture. Really putting it all together.

[morphodae]

Sun-kissed Flowers On the Open Plains

❈ jiaoqiu x foxian!reader ↳reader is described as feixiao's sister but is not given pronouns; additionally, reader also has no tail and has two different colored eyes due to borisin experimentation "you, feixiao's sister, are a renown Genius Society researcher assigned the task of helping jiaoqiu after the events preceding the wardance on the xianzhou luofu. The only problem is… the general’s trusted retainers have never once heard of you." cw: 2.5 spoilers (utc), feixiao lore spoilers, a bit of slowburn, hurt/comfort, mentions of trauma, etc wc: 3.2k

“Checkmate!”

The foxian tilts his head, an amused chuckle escaping his lips. “General, that would be the wrong game —“

A hiccup interrupts his thoughts, a shaky finger reaching over the game board in an attempt to shush her retainer. “Jiaoqiu,” she slurs, a wine bottle held snugly against her other arm, “vic — victory here is inevitable. And I won fair and square.” Looking at the board, her retainer agrees that Feixiao did indeed win fairly. “So, let’s have another round!”

“As much as I’d love to, General,” he says, hands folded under his chin, “I must remind you, despite your enthusiastic efforts in prolonging it, that you are to meet with a client in less than a system hour.” Smirking, he feels around for the phone in his pocket. While acclimating to the lack of sight, his other senses had improved drastically. 

Feixiao pouts before taking another swig of her wine and setting it down loudly. 

“Plus, I did win a few matches ago,” Jiaoqiu begins, “one of the stipulations of that particular match was you agreeing to tell me of this ‘imminent person’ that you’re meeting with.” As someone who, despite his eyesight, was still tasked with taking care of the General’s daily tasks and meetings, Jiaoqiu was stumped when the report was read to him that an undisclosed meeting was to take place later in the afternoon. Not only that, but Feixiao refused to tell him who the person was. The General was always a free and impulsive spirit, so Jiaoqiu didn’t want to nag too much — the General often did as she pleased despite his protests anyhow — but the thought of a mysterious individual so secretive that even he wasn’t allowed to know… well, he’d be lying if he said the thought didn’t worry him.

Feixiao’s silence is deafening. Even the cool breeze surrounding them in the gardens seemed cacophonous compared to the tense atmosphere. A look of determination filled the General’s features, tipsy demeanor seemingly gone, her voice quiet as she speaks. 

“Jiaoqiu,” she begins, “while I still can’t tell you who this person is, I promise they are trustworthy.” 

“I’ll be fine,” she affirms, words as steady as they could be with a good amount of alcohol in her system. A sigh from Jiaoqiu is all she hears in response.

“Alright, General,” he shrugs, “I’ll trust you. I can’t change your mind with this, but you know it’s my duty to vet anyone who might pose a danger to you.”

Another hiccup. “I – if it were a problem, I’d handle it.” “I know, General.” Jiaoqiu rises from his cushion, practiced reflexes fast as he snatches the bottle away from her wobbly hands. “And no more of this. You’ve hardly had anything to eat to offset the effects. What would your guest think seeing the Lacking General lacking in cognition?” Before Feixiao can offer another rebuttal, her phone dings, signaling that Jiaoqiu’s personal assistant was there to escort him back to his office. 

A moment passes when a familiar mop of brown hair belonging to the assistant appears at the entrance; a demure and older foxian who dutifully performed her tasks as Jiaoqiu’s eyes. Feixiao nods in the assistant’s direction before guiding Jiaoqiu to the woman. 

Despite her blurry vision and lingering effects of the wine, she calls out his name before he fully leaves the garden.

“…thank you for looking out for me,” she speaks gently, teal eyes shining with ingenuity and determination. Hidden words unspoken as the pink foxian smiles over his shoulder.

I’ll find a way to cure you, Jiaoqiu. That’s a promise I vow to keep.

────────────

“What strange eyes. Two different colors? Perhaps they’re blind in one of them?”

“Sure, they have heterochromia but have you seen the fact they have no tail? Quite odd. Maybe they were another foxian slave of the borisin.”

The cacophony of voices and whispers as you navigated the confusing streets of the Luofu hardly bothered you. The most pressing concern was ensuring that your directions were accurate, concise, and most of all: timely. Curse your greenhorn lab assistant. Still, you couldn’t quite blame him after all; he was used to the monochromatic layout of Herta’s Space Station and not any of the Xianzhou ships.

Still, it was bothersome to be guided to the Luofu instead of your usual meeting place at Feixiao’s headquarters on the Yaoqing. It was no one’s fault that the Merlin’s Claw had several business meetings with the General of the Luofu.

Not to mention… her incredibly reckless, idiotic, and ridiculous stunt she pulled with the borisin takeover three months ago. You hadn’t seen your younger sister in six months and wanted to strangle her, embrace her, strangle her again, and then revive her just to tell her how stupid she’d been.

A throbbing headache pounds in your temples, a frown twisting your lips. Glancing at the paper in your hand and peering up at the port, you notice that your destination is up ahead. The Seat of Divine Foresight… a rather humorous name for the notoriously lazy General Jing Yuan. You suppose your fellow colleagues in the Genius Society also belonged to eccentric corners of the galaxy.

Approaching the starskiff port, you see no Cloud Knight waiting to escort you to the general’s office. Gazing around, the corner of your vision notices a brief haze of purples and deep blues.

“Excuse me,” you walk up to the figure, a tall man who towers over you, leaning against the side of an empty building, “do you know where any Cloud Knights are currently stationed?”

“...”

The man’s opaque eyes peer down at you, a small scowl that would’ve sent chills down any other person’s spine. Gray strands of hair peek out from under his hood and with arms crossed, he quickly resumes – er, brooding by himself in the corner.

Alright, then.

“Sir,” you speak, tone a bit louder, “I asked you a question.”

A deep, rumbling voice causes your ears to twitch when the man finally responds. “If you are looking for a Cloud Knight, then speak to a Cloud Knight.”

You’re tempted to roll your eyes. What a lovely first impression of the people on the Luofu, you muse. But, you quickly shake those thoughts aside. Perhaps he wasn’t keen on speaking to you due to reasons he may have against foxians, or maybe your general lack of socialization was to blame. After all, you were a researcher who spent most of their time holed up in a lab; your people skills and social cues weren’t always the best.

“Fine. Apologies for bothering you, then.”

As your back quickly led further and further out of the assassin’s sight, something tells him to take one more glance at you. Additionally, a soft breeze passes by that carries your scent: a familiar scent that belonged to a certain someone he worked for. 

A lack of a tail, similar foxian appearance… he understood now.

“Wait.”

Keen ears pick up his voice from a brief distance and you turn around hesitantly. He approaches you in long, even strides before his face softens imperceptibly. 

“I can escort you to your meeting.” “You know who I am?”

A hum of acknowledgement.

“Alright. Well, thank you. Then… may I know your name?”

“....Moze.”

────────────

As promised, Moze and two Cloud Knights escort you to a small, private office off to the side within the Seat of Divine Foresight. It isn’t long after the doors close before a mass of pearly white hair obscures your vision. A tight embrace nearly knocks the wind out of you as Feixiao picks you up in an excited hug and spins you around the room.

“Aeons I missed you!” your sister exclaims, nuzzling the side of her face against your own as she’s almost hesitant to let go.

You sigh half-heartedly, fighting the smile on your face. She’d always been the touchier and more expressive of the two of you. “I missed you too, Saran.”

After a brief catching up, Feixiao hands you a copy of medical records that has sat in her care for months. You glance over the contents, ears drooping as each word, each sentence brings an empathic pain to your chest. 

“And this belongs to your retainer, yes?”

Feixiao nods. “Jiaoqiu, yes. He took the brunt of the borisin jailbreak. As you can see…” she trails off, reluctant to recall the events of three months ago, “...he’s not in great shape. The road to his recovery is a long one and he’s too stubborn to admit that anything is wrong.”

“So,” you begin, “he’s the patient you’re hoping I can treat. With all due respect, what makes you think he’d be willing to accept my help? The texts and reports are just as you said: he’s too stubborn to ask for help or admit that anything is seriously wrong.”

“Just call it a… promise.” Her familiar words rang through your brain; the same exact phrase was written to you when she’d first reached out to you for help.

Strong, calloused hands grip your shoulders. “You’re a member of the Genius Society. With your intelligence and history of biomedical breakthroughs, I have faith in my jiě jie to help.”

“He has so much to live for, and I don’t want him to continue throwing his life away,” she adds, her voice a strained whisper. 

Despite your credentials as a Genius Society member, you’d only joined them out of them pressuring you. After escaping the slave camps on Koolur, you and Feixiao were separated after that fateful “shooting star,” and therefore, followed different paths. You’d come across a mentor who showed you how to read, write, learn the common galactic language, and helped nurture your love of knowledge. Decades passed before you were proficient enough to work independently of your late mentor’s guidance. 

Without ever meeting Jiaoqiu, you could tell how much your sister valued her retainer, valued her close relationships. You two were alike in both holding on to loved ones and throwing your own lives away for the greater good.

“Saran – ” you start. You shake off what you’re about to say; it’s no use beginning a lecture that has no point in even starting.

One more somber glance at the medical report in your hand is enough to determine an answer. You made no promises, but you could try.

Trying is all you could do.

“I’ll do it. When will I meet him?”

────────────

“Well, even if my efforts can’t fully restore your eyesight, my goal is to get you to a place where you can see things as best as you can,” you hum, jotting down final notes on your clipboard. “Maybe a pair of exceptionally strong eyeglasses can help, should we get to that point.”

You smile to yourself on instinct. When you peer up to the patient in front of you, Jiaoqiu does not respond, but simply smiles in contentment. These past few weeks of treating him and you’d grown tired of how nonchalant he appeared about his condition. Not only was he “unbothered” by your apparent insistence to help his condition, it was quite clear that he was, in fact, quite against having another person waste their time and resources on him.

I’ve made my decision and am now paying the price for it. I have no regrets. But, if you still insist on doing this, then I suppose I understand. General Feixiao’s orders are absolute, after all.

Those were some of his first words to you at your initial meeting with him. Now, weeks later, he's opened up with endearing facts about his former cooking skills, his medicinal knowledge, and even his adjustment to having almost full blindness. In a way, the foxian was charming enough. Being as introverted as you were, you found it natural to hold a conversation with him.

Continuing to stir the concoction of chemicals on your table, you decide to make small talk to ease the silence. “You know, I’m actually older than I look.” 

You groan at the memory you endured outside of the Alchemy Commission the other day. “In fact, some short-life kids approached me with some leftover candy and referred to me as “Granny.” It was a bit jarring,” you chuckle.

A chuckle. “Is that so? You sound quite young to me. If I may be so bold, how old are you?”

When you give him an age, he merely hums. You continue sharing tailored details of your past, of your time in the Genius Society, as an independent biotech researcher, and of your unusual foxian traits.

“You certainly are sharing quite a bit of yourself with me, considering that you haven’t known me long and that I’m technically your patient,” he chuckles.

You don’t answer right away, a forlorn expression paints itself onto your face. You study the vials in front of you before quietly responding. “No one has ever cared or taken the time to listen.” Though he cannot see your face, the tone of your voice twists at something inside of him. He offers you a genuine smile, hoping all the while that his expression can convey what words cannot. 

You bite your lip out of nervousness.

“Did she —,” you begin, hesitant, “did General Feixiao inform you of who I was?”

Long-life species wearing glasses wasn’t usually unheard of unless it was cosmetic, or in some cases, congenital. In the case of foxians, strong vision was often a common point of pride that they could all find in common. You become distinctly aware of your lack of tail; a point of pride in many foxians. Despite well over a century of acclimating to the odd stares of citizens — not just your tail, but your heterochromatic eye colors too — it became a mere thought that drifted in the wind.

Perhaps you and Jiaoqiu… could have something in common.

Dragged out of your very brief thoughts, a chuckle reverberates deep in the pink foxian’s chest. “Yes?” He tilts his head on instinct, confusion lacing his tone. “The General assigned me a scientist, one of the best in the Xianzhou, to help with the promise she made for me.”

You let out a nearly inaudible sigh. “Jiaoqiu…. The truth is — the real truth is that I am General Feixiao’s sister.”

Hesitantly, you peer up at his face as he sits motionless on your exam table. His jaw slackens, face unreadable as the cogs in his head turn. A small swish of his tail is the only indicator you have that he hasn’t passed out.

“Please say something,” you murmur, deciding to avoid looking in his direction and instead, busying yourself with your chemicals again. When time continues to tick by, eternally slow, you let out a deep sigh. Your ears perk at a brief laugh behind you.

“If you sigh any harder, I might just get blown away.”

Setting aside the herbs you were crushing, you face his direction once again. “Does this… change anything?”

“Hm? Would it change anything for you?”

Another small sigh. “You really do have a way with being cheeky and annoying, don’t you? This has to be the twentieth time we’ve known each other where you answer a question with a question.” Your tone is light, joking. “Jiaoqiu,” you continue,”no, it doesn’t change anything for me. I only wanted to determine if you’d think of me differently.”

Before he can respond, you clarify. “Feixiao hasn’t made my existence public out of fear any enemies could take advantage of it and use it against her. And although she used to insist that she could take any enemy that comes her way if it meant protecting me, it was mostly my idea that I was kept out of the public eye. Besides that, she is a general, and I’m a scientist. We both have different life paths after we were separated as children.”

Jiaoqiu doesn’t respond, choosing his words carefully. He reaches out his hand gingerly as if asking for something. “May I?”

Confused, you saunter closer to where his legs are swung over the examination table so that you are standing in between his legs. Once he senses your presence within a reasonable distance, he slowly raises his hands to cup your cheeks. The action causes warmth to flow through your face, eyes widening at his actions. A part of you flinches out of reflex, out of a traumatic memory in which you used to associate touch with negativity, but the tenderness in which the pink-haired man is using almost makes you want to cry.

Delicate, long fingers trace up your cheekbones, to your eyes, lashes, nose… he slowly memorizes the features of your face before sliding up to the fluffy ears on your head. When he hears a sharp, shaky intake of your breath, he reaches back down to the area just below your eyes, lightly thumbing away tears that threaten to spill over.

Another small smile. “Yep, similar to the General’s.” A pause. “The skin under your eyes feels thin. Just how long have you been staying up to help find a fix for my eyes?”

You swallow a lump in your throat. “However long I have to stay up.” A tsk reaches your ears as he continues to caress your face. 

“You asked me if I thought any differently of you… and the truth is, I do.” The corners of his lips frown. “But not because of General Feixiao, or because you have an obligation to “cure” me, but because these past five weeks I've gotten to know an incredibly kind, selfless, and enticing individual.”

A lifetime of torture, betrayal, hardship, and isolation has only made you doubtful of others. Your mentor was dead alongside countless people you used to call friends had passed long before you. You understood grief all too well: the looming threat of Feixiao's curse, of losing her too. You stare deeply into his face, studying the contortions and trying desperately to make out any sort of hidden meaning behind his words. His hands fall back into his lap. In spite of your best judgment, a very touch-starved part of yourself immediately misses his skin on yours.

“So, thank you.”

“You’re thanking me?” You blink, confusion lacing your tone. Before you can overthink and retort that you hadn’t made much progress in his vision, Jiaoqiu responds with a short nod. “You have allowed me to feel something other than pain and nightmares.” He bites his lip, hesitating sharing his insecurities with anyone. “That has only ever been accomplished through the use of spicy foods. After my time in the endless throes of war, I thought I’d never have true feelings for anything ever again.”

Blinking rapidly, you fail to notice the nervous swaying of Jiaoqiu’s tail behind him.

He extends his hands again, voice soft as he nearly whispers. “May I?”

You guide his hands back up to your face but he shakes his head no. Instead, he lets one of your hands drop and embraces your hand with both of his. Gingerly, he lifts your hand up to the featherlight touch of his lips before the moment is gone as quickly as it arrived.

The pink-haired healer may not have found a way to heal himself, but he’s sure that in time, your presence will give him the budding hope he’s been yearning for his whole life.

Smiling up in your direction, he gives you gratitude once more for reviving the dead parts of his shattered heart – one fragment, one day at a time.

“Thank you.”

[starmosaics]

I want to hug every person out there with a harsh moon-saturn aspect. A person with this aspect likely went through some hardships in areas of childhood; especially in regards to the relationship with their caregiver/mother. Their caregiver (usually the mother) could have been emotionally distant therefore being unable to provide proper nurturance a child needs. Maybe the mother herself was dealing with her own emotional distress during her pregnancy or after the child was born. I’ve also seen people with this aspect (including my own experience with this aspect) who had a caregiver that struggled with some sort of addiction or that the child was a witness/victim to some form of abuse. Facing poverty is also something that’s commonly seen. Because of the lack of warmth in their upbringings, this could heavily impact one’s sense of self worth. They end up internalizing the mother’s actions/words or lack-thereof believing that the reason their caregiver is so distant (whether it be emotionally or physically) or acted that way towards the child was because of something they had done.

Building solid and healthy relationships for these people is quite difficult as well. They have to learn how to accept other people’s warmth and nurturance and allow others in. Because it’s so foreign to these people to be on the receiving end of things, they could entirely self sabotage or have this innate belief that they’re unworthy of recieving another’s loving gestures. Many moon-saturn people feel that they need to take on the role of both the mother and father and step into a place of needing to be responsible for everyone and everything. They are often the most mature within their families and amongst their peers. They need to realize that it’s not their job to carry the weight of the world and that they’re only responsible for their own words and actions. They often have very depressive thoughts that causes them to dwell or deeply ruminate. Sometimes they have very rigid perspectives and see things through a black and white lens and have distorted beliefs. It’s almost like they have a weighted blanket covering the mind, and a chain wrapped around their heart. Because of their commonly cold upbringings, these people have a hard time healthily expressing their emotions. They may often feel numb or scared to express how they really feel.

Some common misconceptions people make about these folks is that they’re incapable of being emotionally open, that they’re cold and have no heart or that they’re too in their heads (the last one might be true lol). These people haven’t been dealt the greatest cards and they need to establish a sense of trust within themselves and between them and the other before they feel open to express how they’re truly feeling. They’ve build walls around themselves to keep their heart protected. You won’t be able to win their trust easily, it takes time (saturn). They likely care about you but are reluctant to showing it because they fear rejection or dismissal. Many people also think these people are boring or are somewhat robotic. Moon-saturn people likely weren’t allowed to act on their childlike qualities or really delve into their interests due to growing up so fast because of the kind of environment they experienced in their upbringing so their expression is somewhat diluted. These people are silly and have a side to them that is playful and lighthearted and they have incredible interests that they usually express when they’re by themselves. It takes time for them to fully open up; it requires patience.

Here are some things a moon-saturn person can do to work with and hopefully overcome this harsh aspect:

Therapy (CBT, DBT, Trauma therapy, Somatic therapy).

Allow yourself to do things you weren’t allowed to do as a child.

Work on reframing the mind.

Work on getting out of scarcity mindset.

Do things that bring you joy and make you smile/laugh.

Write a gratitude list.

Talk to trees/plants/animals. They’re the least judgmental of all living things.

Create a space that’s comforting for you.

Journal.

Develop a healthy sense of self worth (You can use affirmations, express yourself how you want, tell yourself you’re deserving of good things, meditating, practice self compassion, accept yourself for who you are, etc.).

Get a ESA/service pet.

Write letters to yourself.

When faced with difficult situations, find the lesson within them.

If your family adds stress to your life, set boundaries with them or fully cut them off.

Find community (there’s community all around).

Write down the beliefs you have about yourself and look at them from an objective POV. Recognize how harmful they might be.

Work on your relationships. If you have friends and they’ve stuck around, there’s a reason they’re still there. Open up and allow them in. The right ones will stay in your life.

If in a romantic relationship, openly express your love for that person. Don’t hold back.

Make time once or twice a month where you and your partner can sit and openly discuss how you guys feel within and about the relationship.

Eat a hot meal.

Find new hobbies!

[cosmicjoke]

So I wanted to just take a moment to elaborate a little more on Levi's leadership during the Battle of Heave and Earth, because I think it's so important to understand just how vital Levi was to that final battle and, ultimately, toward the alliances' victory. Everyone was vital, of course. Everyone contributed in ways indispensable. But I think Levi's role was particularly crucial, and I want to explain why.

They wouldn't have won without Levi.

Full stop. They wouldn't have won.

I spoke before about how so often we've heard criticisms of Levi and his choice to let Erwin die, accusations hurled at him of having "robbed" humanity of the only leader that could save it, and I spoke about how those accusations, in the aftermath of Levi's contribution to that final battle, fall so utterly flat, because Levi became the leader that humanity needed in the moment when it counted most.

Armin was out of commission for most of the final battle. Of course he was doing his own, important work toward ensuring victory by convincing Zeke to stop wallowing in self-pity and actually do something (Zeke gets no credit from me, he let 80% of the population die because he felt sorry for himself). But my point is, Armin, despite being the Commander, wasn't able to lead during most of the battle because he was trapped in the Paths.

Levi took the reigns, then, without even needing to be asked or told. He simply took command, and it was his decision making that lead to their victory.

But before that, he fought alongside all of them as simply another soldier, putting his body and life on the line to take down as many titans as he could in the attempt to clear a path back to Armin. Levi was literally half-dead during this battle. His body was beyond compromised. He was suffering internal bleeding, likely major trauma to his organs, half blind, his dominant hand half-mangled, and later, his leg likely broken and torn apart and open. His ability to fight, and to fight so well and with so much strength, was nothing, then, but pure will on his part. Pure determination and refusal to quit. He never gave up, not once, despite his body needing him to.

When he sees the tied of the battle not going their way, then, a path back to Armin seemingly impossible, he takes charge and calms everyone down, tells everyone to stop and think. When it becomes clear that they won't be able to simply retrieve Armin and win this thing, when it becomes clear that killing Eren is the only way to actual victory, Levi is the first to organize everyone into accepting that bleak and awful reality, and to lay out a plan of attack toward accomplishing it. He breaks their team into two units and instructs them on what to do, one to go after Armin, the other, Eren's neck. This was Levi's plan, Levi's decision, and it's largely why they were able to succeed in their goals.

And then later, when he heartbreakingly thinks of himself as a burden, as someone who will just get in the way, he disproves his own self-criticism by stepping up and once again taking command in what truly was the most critical moment of the battle.

He takes out Zeke, of course, which stops the Rumbling. But then Armin's initial plan, of using the blast from his Colossal Titan transformation to kill Eren, fails, and the worm responsible for Eren's power threatens to reach him and start the Rumbling back up. It begins to release the same gas which Zeke had used on Ragako Village to turn the Eldian's into pure titans, and in that moment, with hundreds of Eldian's on the ground, it would have proven the end of the battle for all of them if Levi hadn't acted as quickly and with as much clarity of thought as he had. They all would have died, and the entire population of the world would have been wiped out.

Nobody else realized what was about to happen to them, too dazed and complacent and stricken with hopelessness, even after Connie posited what the gas could be. Only Levi understood what was about to happen, and only Levi took action in that moment to prevent total disaster. And then, while everyone else is standing around, paralyzed by their horror at the realization of what's happening, overcome with grief and fear, in that moment, Levi didn't hesitate. Like he once told the 104th, if disaster struck right now, he would act faster than any of them, and that's exactly what he did.

He understood the situation within seconds, and understood within seconds what needed to be done to avoid total catastrophe. He understood that he and Mikasa and the titan shifters were the only ones who would be immune to the gas, and so it was up to them to take action and end Eren's life, or all would be lost. He understood in that moment that they would be forced to abandon their family and comrades on the ground, abandon them to their fate of being turned into pure titans, in order to save what remained of the rest of the people trapped down there, and he didn't hesitate. He didn't falter. He pushed aside his own grief and horror, his own driving need to save everyone, in order to save who he could, just like he's always done. He armed himself with their only remaining thunder spear and ordered with commanding force for Mikasa and Pieck to get onto Falco's back, for them to take to the air, because he understood on the ground, they would all die, and if they were to have any chance of victory, they needed to be up high. He was able to ignore their stunned and frozen grief and initial refusal to move and act, and overcome it with his own refusal to give in. He made them act in the moment when it mattered most. And when Mikasa was overcome with grief at what was happening and the prospect of killing Eren, Levi refused to let her lose herself, screaming in her face to get it together, reminding her again and again that only they could stop Eren now, only they could save what was left of humanity.

And finally, with his failing body and waning strength, he fought side by side with Mikasa, battling through what seemed literal hell on earth to give her the opening she needed in order to deliver the killing blow to Eren and end it once and for all.

Mikasa wouldn't have been able to do what she did if not for Levi. If not for Levi's quick thinking, if not for Levi's orders, if not for his command, if not for his battling side by side with her, clearing a path for her. If not for his own sacrifice, giving up everything, having to leave behind the people he loved for people he didn't even know. Levi made that final push toward victory possible.

Levi essentially took over for Erwin when no one else could. He took over for Hange when no one else could. He became the Commander of the Survey Corps in that final battle. He became the one who lead them to victory.

I think understanding that is so important. For anyone who ever tries to accuse Levi of not caring about humanity, or accuse Levi of dooming humanity because he let Erwin die, you're wrong, you're so wrong. Because Levi became every bit the commander Erwin ever was in the moment when it mattered most. He refused to let humanity fall. He lead humanity to victory.

[rebeltarot]

RELATIONSHIPS ➕ Your next friendship

"[...] and then she knew that you could become homesick for people too."

[3 piles] ・ [6 decks] ・ [12 cards for each pile] ・ [letters, songs]

Hello friends, we will investigate who your next friend is in this reading. What is their personality, and how will you guys meet? All these questions will be explored within this reading. I wish you and your upcoming blossoming connections all the very best. ♡♡

Painting: The Triumph of Venus - François Boucher (1740)

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PILE 01 ➕

Disclaimer: All Tarot readings on this blog are meant for entertainment purposes only. My Pick-a-card readings are based on my knowledge of the tarot and my intuition. Tarot is a divination tool and should not be considered a replacement for medical or professional guidance. It is not intended to be used as such, and any choices made in response to my readings are your own responsibility. All interpretations are speculative, and whether you believe in it is your choice. Readings are for self-reflection purposes only; take what resonates, and leave the rest. My readings are timeless unless stated otherwise.

CONFIRMATION

Signs and confirmation that this is your pile. This can be anything from your initials, astrological placements, significant messages or signs, places, songs, etc. Please use your discernment.

C, U, R, E, L, G, Aries, 2nd House, Jupiter

Song: Water - KREAM, ZOHARA

YOUR NEXT FRIENDSHIP

Tarot: 3 of swords, the world, page of wands, (5 of pentacles)

Oracle: seeker rx, humpback whale, occupation, mule, fly, boot, broken ring, don't make plans

Their Personality

Hello, Pile 01, and welcome to your reading! Your next friend is someone who has a keen eye for warning signs. I feel like this person has experienced their fair share of trauma and heartbreak, which makes them a great detector of red flags. Your friend is someone who might very well still be in a grieving process when you guys meet. They might have recently experienced a loss, and generally, I do feel like your friend might be leaning toward the realistic/pessimistic side. Some of their behavior might be strange to you too, given that they were coming out of a difficult situation. The world card is all about completion, success, clarity, celebration, and travel. Your new friend is an accomplished person—someone who has achieved their fair share of success. I do think that your new friend is aware of things and can discern situations accurately. In this specific deck, this card is associated with fans. This is a cheerleader—someone who loves seeing other people win. This new friend of yours will live through your highs and lows with you, and they will continuously cheer you on and support you. They might also be the type to motivate you to celebrate small wins. They might send you gifts and flowers for your achievements, no matter how little they are. A genuine supporter. They are also well-traveled, or they might be from another part of the world. Either way, they are cultured and can adapt to new circumstances and surroundings. We are looking at someone who is curious and shows genuine interest in others. Your new friend is also creative; they might be involved in the arts in one way or another. I do think that this is a fun friend—someone with whom you can go on spontaneous adventures and someone who inspires you to be more confident and to follow your intuition. With this friend, the sky is the limit, honestly. They will be on board with the wildest ideas and support you through them. This is someone who is free-spirited. They have broken free from society's expectations. It's the type of friend that, if you like it, they will love it! We are looking at a confident person here, or at least at someone who appears to be this way. Again, your new friend has experienced their fair share of trauma and heartbreak, and I do think that based on their past, they do tend to struggle with a pessimistic outlook at times, especially in areas regarding security and safety, aka. money. They might have a lack-mindset, but again, it feels mostly related to jobs and food security (there is an apple on the woman's head in this particular deck). I also feel like this is someone who struggles to commit. Again, this does not relate to your friendship but more to areas where your friend struggles with a lack-mindset. Anything that promises security is something they struggle to trust, so they might be the type to do job-hopping, etc. Your friend could have a beautiful and soothing voice. They might even be a great singer. What's certain, though, is that we are looking at a truly wise person here, someone whose words can soothe one's soul. Your friend is a great guide, especially because of their own life experience. They have learned a lot of lessons and accumulated tons of valuable and life-changing wisdom. Again, their words have the power to touch one's soul. They are determined. Even if they are capricious, especially when it comes to their work, they are clear on what they want. They have direction, and they are true go-getters. Their approach is just unconventional. Your new friend is someone with a purpose, and they are doing their best to follow it and be worthy of it. So in essence, this is a person who takes their roles seriously. They try their utmost to be deserving of their titles (be it a friend, a position at work, etc.).

How will you meet?

You guys will meet at work, that is for certain. I feel like the person who is new to the job will be you, given the sequence of the cards. The mule card shows us that there is a situation that seems hopeless; this most likely relates to a person who is stubborn and unwilling to change. This will lead to a period of bad health and even a depressive period for you. You might be struggling at your previous job. These circumstances will lead to you looking for new positions and eventually severing ties with your previous employer. This all seems unplanned; this change was not something you expected or even planned for, but something that was inspired by your experience with this stubborn person. And wherever your career journey leads you, that is where you will meet your new friend. 

Your reblogs are highly appreciated. Thank you so much for supporting my work!

© rebeltarot 2023-2024 - all rights reserved ・ do not steal, copy, change, or redistribute my content.

PILE 02 ➕

Disclaimer: All Tarot readings on this blog are meant for entertainment purposes only. My Pick-a-card readings are based on my knowledge of the tarot and my intuition. Tarot is a divination tool and should not be considered a replacement for medical or professional guidance. It is not intended to be used as such, and any choices made in response to my readings are your own responsibility. All interpretations are speculative, and whether you believe in it is your choice. Readings are for self-reflection purposes only; take what resonates, and leave the rest. My readings are timeless unless stated otherwise.

CONFIRMATION

Signs and confirmation that this is your pile. This can be anything from your initials, astrological placements, significant messages or signs, places, songs, etc. Please use your discernment.

A, D, I, E, U, A, 1st house, Gemini, Pluto

Song: Hate Myself - Tate McRae

YOUR NEXT FRIENDSHIP

Tarot: the moon, 7 of pentacles, queen of wands, (wheel of fortune)

Oracle: judge rx, tiger, mature man, forest, pig, eye, camel, arms

Their Personality

Hello, Pile 02, and welcome to your reading! Your next new friend is someone who holds a lot of depth. They might feel magical and maybe even a bit unreal to you. It's a person who religiously follows their intuition and is just really good at picking up subtle signs and changes. Your new friend might struggle with anxiety, though, as they tend to overthink a lot. But yes, this person is hard to read and hard to decipher. Your friend's motivations are often honorable. They tend to do the things they do for the right reasons, usually to uplift others and improve given circumstances. They are a hard worker, someone who is constantly learning, growing, and changing, and has a lot of stamina. They persevere, and their hard work usually pays off well. Everything they achieve, they deserve. They also pay attention to what they do and what they invest their time in. Your new friend is an intentional person; they always know why they are doing something. This by no means indicates a calculated person, but rather someone who is present and mindful. Your new friend is confident and courageous. They are truly independent and get along well with the people around them. Again, we are looking at a driven person, someone who does not shy away from hard work. They are determined to achieve what they set their minds to. With the wheel of fortune as their bottom deck, they might feel like someone who is quite lucky at times. Yes, they work for what they achieve, but their achievements might come with extra benefits, etc. They might be coming from a privileged background. This is genuinely a kind and good person, and they are always teachable. This is not the type of person to get their ego in their way when it comes to criticism, etc. They remain teachable because they know they are not always right, which just brings them a lot of good karma. I do think, though, that they can be harsh with their words. This is a pragmatic person—a person with reason. They never do anything without intention, so their criticism might sometimes appear destructive to others as they apply their values and their idea of the world to their judgment. They are not the most sensitive and delicate with their words. Again, this is a fiery and driven person. They appear to be unstoppable. Their passion is their driving force and their power, and they are bold and brave. Things always seem to work out for them, honestly, because their force is so powerful that everything just seems to align for them. They put their money where their mouth is.  How will you meet?

You might meet your new friend through a mutual connection—most likely a mature man. This could indicate someone who is in their 50s or upwards, someone who is just simply older than you, or someone who is more mature or has more experience. I feel like this person will connect you two during a time when you are confused. When you might not see clearly and when your values are all over the place. I do feel like you will follow your intuition here. You might reach out to this mutual connection in hopes of help or guidance, and they will connect you to your new friend. Again, you are reaching out for help to overcome a problem in your life. It might not be the easiest journey to one another, but in the end, you guys will embrace each other, and I do feel like your new friend will be more than willing to help you; they will be welcoming. 

Your reblogs are highly appreciated. Thank you so much for supporting my work!

© rebeltarot 2023-2024 - all rights reserved ・ do not steal, copy, change, or redistribute my content.

PILE 03 ➕

Disclaimer: All Tarot readings on this blog are meant for entertainment purposes only. My Pick-a-card readings are based on my knowledge of the tarot and my intuition. Tarot is a divination tool and should not be considered a replacement for medical or professional guidance. It is not intended to be used as such, and any choices made in response to my readings are your own responsibility. All interpretations are speculative, and whether you believe in it is your choice. Readings are for self-reflection purposes only; take what resonates, and leave the rest. My readings are timeless unless stated otherwise.

CONFIRMATION

Signs and confirmation that this is your pile. This can be anything from your initials, astrological placements, significant messages or signs, places, songs, etc. Please use your discernment.

B, I, N, G, O, H, I, Libra, 8th House, Saturn

Song: Me & U - AleksSounds

YOUR NEXT FRIENDSHIP

Tarot: the high priestess, 5 of cups, the magician, (9 of wands)

Oracle: angel rx, swan, house, fair woman, broom, may, mountain road, back

Their Personality

Hello, Pile 03, and welcome to your reading! Your new friend is a wise and intuitive person. Someone who is in alignment with their subconscious mind and who can read others easily. This person might seem magical to you, but in a way, they might be hard to read, and they might seem unpredictable. Sometimes their actions might be without rhyme or reason, but there is always consistency behind them, which is them following their intuition. Your friend might have experienced some losses in their life, and there might still be situations that are eating away at their conscience because they are regretful. The past might still be hunting them, and I do think that they struggle with letting go, especially when they know that they failed a situation or someone. Your new friend is truly resourceful, and they know how to wield what they have to achieve their goals. They are great at manifesting and achieving their desires. This, to me, feels like someone who is lowkey a perfectionist. They struggle with failure and they struggle with loss, and when experiencing it, they might be pessimistic about it. Your new friend is a powerful person; they are unique and authentic, and again, they follow their intuition. The only action your new friend takes is inspired action. They are resilient, for sure, and extremely courageous. They fight for what they want and protect their loved ones fiercely. This is not the type of person to give up easily; they are persistent and also great at setting, keeping, and respecting boundaries. I do not think that they are easily approachable in the sense that they are guarded. They are protective of themselves and the people in their lives, but once you are in, you are in for good. I feel like your friend's first impression can be misleading. They might appear innocent and angelic at first, but they are quite the opposite. Again, this is a strong person, but it might not be evident in their appearance. First impressions are misleading here, and they usually tend to use this to their advantage as they are aware of others's perceptions of them. Your friend is quite graceful. They hold so much wisdom, and it feels like the way they go through life is just effortless. They are a great teacher, especially when it comes to elegance and grace. They inspire with dignity, and I do think that they have a great eye for beauty and aesthetics. This seems like a truly classy person.  How will you meet?

You guys will meet at someone's home. This is either the housewarming of someone you both know, or you might be moving to a new neighborhood or a new home, and they might be living in the same apartment complex or on the same street. Either way, a fair woman is involved; this specifically describes their hair color, which ranges from blonde to gray and white. Whatever it is, it will most likely happen in May or start in May. Your move or your way there might not be easy, and there might have been a few hiccups along the way, but eventually, you are getting there, starting a new life and a new path. I do think that this person is meant to support you through your new chapter in life. You might even share a home, perhaps? For some of you, this could indicate a roommate, etc. For others, it's a neighbor, and for a small group of you, it's the housewarming of a close friend. But what all of you in this group share is the fact that you will meet this person during a new chapter in your life. And May does play a role in one way or another. It could be either timing, someone's birthday, or hold another meaning. Take what resonates, and leave the rest. 

Your reblogs are highly appreciated. Thank you so much for supporting my work!

© rebeltarot 2023-2024 - all rights reserved ・ do not steal, copy, change, or redistribute my content.

[creatingblackcharacters]

As October approaches, I would like to encourage everyone to watch Jordan Peele films if they haven't already. It's quality horror with Black characters whose experiences as Black people actually play into the genre. I feel like Peele's contributions were a defibrillator we all needed. (IMO there was a lull where storytelling was taking a backseat to edginess, but these movies gave me some hope again.) Not to mention, his movies star Black people with full stories, meaningful action, and chilling commentary. Favorite characters galore. Even if you don't like to dissect horror, his content is enjoyable.

The easiest to recommend, personally, is Nope. A sci-fi Western horror, which sounds like a lot, but it's actually the best and SUPER fun. It's not nearly as scary as the other Peele movies, and it's a good start to anyone interested.

MY favorite character is Otis Junior Haywood, our main protagonist. He runs the family business: they're trained horse handlers for the film industry. He's softspoken but responsible and sensible, and is trying to take care of things after his father passes from a tragic accident. He's much better with horses than with people, but he's sharp and serious and sentimental. Even when he has to resort to selling horses to a local theme park, he wants to acquire them back and give them a good, long life.

The fan favorite is Emerald, his sister. She's funny, playful, and easygoing. She's OJ's confidant, but also a free spirit who is exploring all her options and trying to find her own place in Hollywood, so long as it's away from horse training. Unfortunately, it's not going well, as CGI and changing technology are quickly replacing all their gigs. The siblings notice paranormal activity in their area, though, and it's Em's idea to capture video proof of its existence so they can save the family business.

I think about OJ so much. He's a well-written character and every single interaction he has serves immense purpose-- and even the moments when he's all alone in the open, it's less that he's waiting for something to happen and more that he's watchful and observant. No second feels wasted while riding behind his eyes. He also has an EXTREMELY interesting foil to another character, whose trauma in film has been distorted to an extreme form of profiteering and delusion. I do love Em and my family thinks she's the best character, but OJ as our main protagonist is a perfect fit and I love how he was made for the role.

The main themes in Nope are about spectacle and exploitation: a legacy can be built on the remissions and injuries of others, like Hollywood and its unfair treatment of Black people; it's about the illusion of power between an animal handler (man) and a wild animal (the unknowable); it's about bearing witness to tragedy, and how the consumption of said tragedy can make the difference in how we interact with it. I think it's especially compelling that Western themes were incorporated into the story, as an extremely American-centric storytelling that often exploits BIPOC lives and storytelling for its perpetration. But in Nope, the siblings win the day and protect their home.

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[stories-and-chaos]

Helluva High

AU: Overlord Husk and Angel

[Little one shot inspired by @celestialalpacaron ‘s au of Husk and Angel. Valentino is a sore loser, but Husk has his spider’s back. Enjoy!

Word count 1065 Cw: cursing, emotional manipulation, trauma response (disclosure: I’ve never experienced trauma like this so I apologize if Angel’s reaction isn’t accurate.) ]

***********

Angel was frozen, stuck between fear and desire. His former boss, Valentino, was here. At Husk’s casino. Angel Dust had been working the tables for a couple months now. His looks, charisma, and reputation had him hustling patrons for all they were worth and more.

But despite that reputation (and all the salacious videos of him still being sold) he wasn’t for sale. Not for any amount of time or money. Husk was adamant on that. “You wanna sleep with someone off the clock, that’s your business,” he’d told Angel. “But do it because you want to, not because someone john is paying, got it?”

Now Val was here and Angel could barely help himself. The moth demon had grabbed his arm as he walked past. Now he was pulling the spider close, cooing sweet venomous words at the former porn star. “Angiiiiieee, I miss you baby. That mean old kitty won’t let me win you back. I need you Angel.” Val’s hand stroked up Angel’s thigh, sneaking under the slit in his gown. “I know you want me too, baby. No one can give you what you need, not like me.” One of his other hands grasped another of Angel’s arms. He hooked a finger of his fourth hand under Angel’s pearl choker, “Come on Angel, tell the kittycat to give me a shot at you. Then we can go home and I’ll make you feel so good you’ll forget all this ever happened.”

Angel’s breath caught. Everything about Valentino made him want to just melt away. His voice, his cigarette smoke, the hands stroking his limbs with a hint of claws. But Angel didn’t want to go back. His eyes darted back and forth in panic. He caught a flash of red wings, black fur, and gold eyes. “Do it because you want to…”

“Fuck!” he managed to gasp as he jerked back. The string of pearls snapped at the sudden movement. The iridescent orbs shimmered in the light as they clattered on the table and floor. “No…” he said, voice wavering.

Angel stood up as straight as he could. Valentino’s rage at being denied built quickly. He moved to grab Angel’s arm again but Angel stepped back. “I…I need a break boss,” he said as loud as he could.

“Take the night off babe. You’ve been working hard last few nights,” Husk said curtly as he stepped between Angel and Val. “Thought you knew better than that ‘Tino.” He faced the other Overlord as Angel dashed to the elevator. “Am I gonna have to throw you out?”

“Fuck, just let me play for him again. What do you want a crackwhore like him for anyway?”

“You ain’t got anything worth betting Angel for.” Four members of the casino security turned up to flank their leader. “Get out ‘Tino. If my boys don’t have to drag your ass out, I won’t charge you for the pearls.”

Val spun away, muttering “fucking furry ass prick, that twink bitch, goddamn assholes.” He squeaked in agitation as he stormed out.

Shortly after Valentino’s limo was gone, Husk took the elevator to the penthouse suites. Angel’s door was cracked open. All his arms were wrapped around himself as rocked on the bed. Husk knocked on the door with the top of his cane. The spider demon jerked, eyes blown wide enough that Husk could see the pupils in even the six small ones.

“He’s gone,” the gambler said mildly. Angel took a deep shaky breath. “You did good.” At Angel’s surprised look he continued, “I told you, anyone fucks with you, they answer to me.”

After a couple more breaths, Angel managed to reply. “Thanks boss. I’ll be back down in five.”

“Nah, you’ve got the night off. Call for room service, just go easy on the booze tonight.” Husk didn’t leave right away; he saw Angel retreating back into the cage of his own arms. The catlike demon sighed and strode through the room to throw the doors to the balcony open. “C’mere.”

Angel walked up hesitantly and placed his ringed hand in Husk’s outstretched one. Husk pulled him out into the night air. He smoothly wrapped an arm around Angel’s waist and lifted the lanky demon’s legs up with the other. Angel reflexively wrapped a set of arms around the other man’s shoulders. “Damn Whiskers, you’re stronger than you look!”

Husk gave a huff. He spread his wings and flapped into the sky. “Oh shit!” Angel yelled, now with four arms clinging to Husk.

“I gotcha babe.” He got enough altitude that they could see every part of the Pentagram with ease. “How’s this for a high?” he joked, smirking at Angel.

“Fuck…it’s a helluva view.” Angel scanned the city. His eyes locked onto Valentino’s porn studio. A tiny fuschia line was just pulling up to the street in front of it.

Husk realized where Angel was looking and shifted to block the Red Light District from view. “Nah, we’ve got better things to look at. There’s a lot more in Hell than that shitbag.”

The train of Angel’s gown fluttered in the air. The cool breeze and the sparkling city below, sounds muffled by distance, helped calm him. As the tension started to ease in his frame, Husk spoke.

“Things change quick here, especially between Overlords. You know that, with how fast ‘Tino lost you. So I ain’t gonna make promises I can’t keep. But for now, you’re mine Angel Dust, and no one fucks with what’s mine.” His gold irises gleamed as his smile turned harsh. “I don’t plan on wagering you, ever. Clear?”

Something cracked in Angel, a chip in the despair. “As crystal baby.” He sighed. “Thanks…Husk.”

A few more minutes and then Husk lowered them back to the balcony. “I need to head back down. Call room service, get some rest.” He took Angel’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back. “Let me know how you’re feeling tomorrow.”

Angel ordered food, changing out of gown and jewelry for an oversized shirt while it was arriving. He’d ordered a bunch of finger foods, easy to eat as he lounged. But he was surprised to find his favorite cocktail added to the cart. A card written in Husk’s handwriting leaned against the stem, “Just one tonight.” He snorted before taking a sip. He was starting to like this kind of pampering.

[static-electric-dreams]

I did decide to post the original art of these guys in the end; these are all from 2022, so definitely a little old. I have posted these to my Artfight account in case anyone is particularly interested in them!

Their extensive lore below (tw for discussion of mental health issues, abuse, trauma, drugs/alcohol, and self harm)

Button Bunny, Poppy Puppy, and Dreamy Deer are escaped lab experiments made from giving plushies real meat and blood inside. After enduring countless painful experiments, Button and his fellow test subjects killed all of the scientists and escaped into the real world, where they're free to do as they please.

Each of the plushies embodies a different "coping" style or set of trauma responses; this isn't supposed to be extremely deep or anything, just an idea, but to explain each one a bit further:

Button represents the "fight" response to danger, as well as cutting, self harm, and vengeful or violent thoughts/actions against one's abuser. He's fixated on blood and gore, both as a means of expressing his internal pain, and as a means of inflicting it on those who hurt him and his friends. He has the biggest thirst for blood and revenge out of the three, and is the most likely to pick a fight with a stranger. He carries a box cutter full of fresh, sharp razor blades right over his heart, signifying damage both taken and dealt. As a result, Button is "angrier" than the other two, but also more protective.

Poppy represents the "fawn" response to danger, as well as self-medication through drugs, alcohol, sex, and food. Poppy never denies herself the finer pleasures and in fact indulges in them more when she's upset. She's always likely to try to win someone over or "people please" her way out of situations and can become very upset if she genuinely thinks someone is mad at her. She smokes weed out of a heart-shaped bong, calls everyone "bestie," and sobs her eyes out into a bottle of cotton candy vodka if anything goes wrong. While she is the most outwardly emotional, she's also emotionally intelligent and glues the group together with her sharp eye for social cues.

Dreamy represents the "freeze" and "flight" responses to danger, as well as dissociation, nightmares, and severe phobias. While Button and Poppy may go on the offensive with someone they deem "bad," Dreamy will always behave passively and will never stir conflict if they can help it. Indeed, Dreamy will freeze like a deer in headlights if they're put in a stressful enough situation, and if they manage to unfreeze themselves, will run away from it as quickly as possible. Because of their fearful nature, Dreamy can only protect themselves through their experimental psychic ability to transfer their own nightmares to another person, which isn't even fully voluntary for them. Most of the time, Dreamy will defer to one of the others in a pinch.

All three of them have had their eyes swapped with one another, symbolizing the unity of the three very different trauma responses under the same trauma.

There are also two more Cursed Plushies, two wolves (one black and one white) named Yin and Yang, created by the sole surviving scientist to track down and kill Button, Poppy, and Dreamy, but I've yet to draw them even once, so they're much less fleshed out and generally less symbolic than the other three. I'll return to them someday, though.

Thanks for reading all that!

[animebw]

So! In order to keep myself from losing my goddamn mind in the aftermath of that G-Witch episode (how are we supposed to wait two weeks for the next episode I swear to fuck), I want to take a second and focus on something this show has done exceptionally well, but that I haven’t really seen talked about at all. Namely, the fact that Suletta is one of the best examples of an overpowered protagonist I’ve ever seen.

And yes, she is canonically overpowered. As long as she has Aerial by her side, she can curb-stomp pretty much every opponent without breaking a sweat. Time and again, she goes up against impossible odds and wipes the floor with them The best duelist at school? Chump. Facing multiple opponents alone and outnumbered? Child’s play. And honestly, I was starting to get annoyed by it around the end of the first season. How are we supposed to believe Suletta’s ever going to be in danger if she’s so ludicrously stronger than everyone else?

And then The Slap happened, and everything turns upside-down.

See, what makes season 1′s cliffhanger ending so goddamn powerful isn’t just the sight of our cheerful bumbling protagonist liquifying a living person into red paste in front of her horrified fiance. It’s not just the realization of how deep Prospera’s manipulation has twisted Suletta’s sense of identity. No, the real secret behind The Slap’s brilliance is that it retroactively makes every single moment of Overpowered Suletta fucking terrifying. Suddenly, we realize that her overwhelming strength in battle is a direct result of Prospera’s influence, raising her to be the perfect pawn in her little scheme. The reason she’s able to knock the socks off every single opponent she faces isn’t just Latent Protag Syndrome; it’s because her mother crafted her into a relentless warrior with the strength to destroy any obstacle in the path to her revenge. Suletta’s strength in battle isn’t just overwhelming; it’s dangerous, to herself and everyone around her. And the second she has to unleash that strength in a situation more serious than a no-casualties school sporting match, it becomes instantly, horrifyingly clear that she is in no way ready to grapple with the great responsibility that comes with such great power.

In other words, what first seemed like just a case of another anime protagonist winning every fight because reasons turns on its head and makes that overpowered nature a source of fear, both for the audience and for Miorine. So instead of ending up a boring tension-killer where we’re never afraid for Suletta’s safety, the fact that she’s capable of such force becomes the most critical source of tension and conflict driving her and Miorine’s story in the second season. Suletta being so overpowered is an explicit character flaw, at least as long as Prospera’s claws are in her. Because just because she can punch away any physical threat in her path doesn’t mean she’s not vulnerable in countless other areas. She may be the strongest in a fight, but she has nowhere near the strength of character to deal with the political schemes and emotional burdens that come about as a result of that strength. All that skill on the battlefield doesn’t mean shit when you can’t see how that skill is being manipulated for dark ends, or causing you to take on stress and trauma you have no healthy way of coping with. Suletta can smash her way to victory in any fight, and yet she’s the most vulnerable, least protected person in the entire cast, in no small part thanks to the forces that made her so strong in the first place.

There’s a reason characters like Saitama from One Punch Man and Mob from Mob Psycho 100 are so beloved, despite being so overpowered. ONE knows that in order to make an overpowered character interesting, you need to give them struggles beyond the scope of their powers to fix. Saitama can punch a mountain in half, but he can’t punch his way out of existential ennui; that’s just as much of a struggle for him as any normal person. Mob’s psychic powers can’t solve his emotional turmoil or provide him the perfect path toward maturity; he has to figure that out himself. They are overwhelmingly strong in fights, but the primary conflict of their stories has very little to do with those fights and everything to do with their growth as people. They’re stories about how even being the strongest person alive doesn’t protect you from the challenges of life that everyone on this planet faces, and their journeys to self-actualization are enormously compelling as a result. No one remembers the overpowered exploits of Isekai Harem Protagonist du jour; everyone remembers watching Saitama and Mob slowly find their way forward in life, one simple step at a time.

Suletta, in my eyes, is very much in the same vein. Like Saitama and Mob and all the best overpowered protagonists, her writing understands that being incredibly skilled in one area doesn’t mean you can’t be challenged in others- and in Mob’s case especially, how that incredible skill can actually be the biggest obstacle for the challenge you actually need to overcome. Suletta’s skill in battle is made compelling by her lack of that same skill in other areas, and the ultimate conflict of Gundam Witch is a conflict she cannot punch her way out of. If she’s going to survive this chaos and live happily every after with Miorine, she will need to struggle to overcome her years of conditioning and emotional uncertainty. She will need to struggle just as Mob struggled, just as Saitama struggled, not just to learn the skills she hasn’t developed yet, but to push back against the influence that resulted in her being so freakishly strong in the first place. Suletta is an overpowered protagonist who’s overpowered nature is, itself, the greatest challenge she will have to overcome in order to truly save herself and the people she loves. And I think that’s really damn neat.

[hey-hey-j]

Let's talk Poppy and Clay

- Clay bumped into the Putt Putt Trolls while they were out on their yearly migration, not very long after splitting off from his brothers. Not having any real plan or trajectory, Clay decided to stay with the Putt Putts for a while, settling pretty smoothly into their nomadic lifestyle

- Clay was the first non-Putt Putter troll they'd come across in years; Poppy especially was ecstatic to find another troll who managed to escape from the Bergens alive and well, and even more overjoyed when Clay told her about their hidden troll village

- Of course Poppy immediately wanted to know where the village was, already imagining the possibility of stopping by for a visit and seeing her sister and father again. Clay, however, was hesitant—when he left Pop Village, he did so with a vow to himself that he would never look back. It would be too painful. Not that he wanted to deny Poppy the chance to see her family again, but.....

- Clay offered to give Poppy directions to the village, but was adamant that he wouldn't come with her if she chose to go. With that, Poppy found herself faced with a dilemma: leave to find the village and see her family, potentially leaving her trolls to fend for themselves in her absence, or stay.

- Ultimately, Poppy chose to stay with the Putt Putters. Of course she wanted to see her baby sister again, but she was also afraid that if she left she wouldn't be there to protect her own subjects if they were somehow found out—trauma from the great Bergen attack winning out over "selfish" desire.

- So Clay and Poppy stayed, and over time Clay grew to become Poppy's closest friend and advisor, bonding over their shared traumas and becoming the protectors of their own little village.

- Like in canon, Clay appreciates that Poppy and the Putt Putters are able to take him seriously as a friend and authority figure, though in this universe he doesn't have the same hang ups about being the designated "fun one" of his family. It's more like.... Branch had a tendency to infantilize him and dismiss him over his naturally goofy personality, and he grew to really resent his brother for this as he got older. On top of everything else Branch was responsible for, of course.

(★my Ko-fi)

[danwhobrowses]

I've kept myself contained and (mostly) quiet as I consumed all of Downfall - knowing that each part would alter my previous perspectives and assumptions - but man, there is so much to discuss. Finally it's time to talk about it!

Spoilers for all 3 Parts of Downfall below

The TLDR of this essay is that it was awesome and it has both unraveled so much context while enshrouding so much more lore in mystery. The long answer is long so stock up on cake - but not Brennan's cake, he's very protective of it - or something to keep the energy up.

Let's start at the beginning: Tengar. What a start that was! The destruction of Tengar really does reframe the Gods from the get-go. They were lights, they were refugees, they watched the destruction of their home and the loss of their family just as mortals would in life, war, and Calamity - but in a place where those things had only just come into being. It poses many questions too; were they what the Luxon scattered themselves into? Is Dunamis the remnants of Tengar? Was Predathos - assuming that the 'fruit' was Predathos - a purposeful creation or one that got out of hand? We knew of two gods that it ate but there was more (Unless Predathos is Edun? It's definitely a theory). The prologue shows how the Gods ended up being forced into shape, how their traumas limited their possibility as they careened towards proto-Exandria. There's a parallel to be made with the Lights' response to escaping Tengar's destruction and several PCs', especially Bells Hells who are able or attempting to rise above their pre-defined traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms, development and growth - compared to the gods who found themselves stuck in place: doomed to play the role and domain they became shaped into. It also makes me wonder about the Founding, Creation, and the Schism itself; did the Primes start creation in order to keep an essence of home (all the divine trees planted across Exandria could be parallel to the Orchard)? What are each Betrayer's views on mortals? Asmodeus and Lolth clearly have disdain for them, but Asmodeus hurts mortals with a 'jealously kicking down your siblings' legos' vibe whereas Lolth likes to make mortals look as ugly as she already sees them. In cooldowns it was mentioned that had Melora been willing to walk away from Exandria she might've been a Betrayer, so I wonder if all Betrayers are simply mortal-hating or some are just willing to just leave mortals behind? I remain super curious over what the Primordials' side of the story is too; asking Rau'shan and Ka'mort should be considered eventually, given how they have knowledge and experience with sealing Predathos, but how did they see the events leading to the Schism; was there a deal that was broken? Did the Primordials hate mortals? Were they aware of Tengar before the Founding? Did they aid the gods in adjusting to their fixed forms and domains? And did they treat them like children like the gods treat mortals? What in history is lies and what in history is lecture?

Then of course there's the mission itself, which commits to its title in many areas; the Downfall of a civilization and culture within Aeor, the Downfall of (more) Wizard hubris with the Factorum, the Downfall of splinter factions trying to end the war by thinking they're doing what the gods want, and the Downfall of the Primes' infallible reputation as their armies and followers felt abandoned by them, no longer willing to accept the 'I am the parent, you are the child' justification. In the end only the Betrayers succeeded because the city falls and mortals died, but they don't succeed enough because they didn't get the Factorum - and the Primes still cared enough for mortals to try and save them - and thus the Calamity resumes, which I suppose is another Downfall: they were once family and wanted to be family again, but the truce wasn't real. The Betrayers were planning to use the Factorum to win the war (perhaps the two who didn't show had a change of heart?), they wanted to go where the Primes would not because, at that moment, winning and being right was more important than family.

The characters to nobody's surprise are all fantastic; Ashley's Trist (Saranrae) and Noshir's Emissary (Proxy of Erathis) had my heart in a winch for all three episodes, reminding me of it every so often with a big squeeze of emotions. Laura's Emhira (Matron of Ravens), Taliesin's Asha (Wildmother), Abubakar's SILAHA (Corellon) and Nick's Ayden (Dawnfather) all flourished as their characters too, alongside Brennan's variety of NPCs both as mortal gods and Aeorians. I loved Trist's boundless compassion and her constant struggle with having to do something cruel to many for the sake of saving the people she loved, as well as being forced to choose between her mortal family and her infinite ones, I loved how Asha was prickly and cutthroat as Nature can be in desolation but also not without her own regrets, longings and her gradual softening towards the Emissary, I loved how Ayden was an embodiment of the Dawnfather's purest hope and desire to protect people - contained in the body of a teenage boy, I loved how SILAHA loved Aeor's culture and people so much that he couldn't even be angry at the archmages using their gift to build a weapon that could destroy them, I loved that Emhira played cold and detached in an effort to bond with her siblings but found that her connection to them shone greater in the more human moments, and I loved the Emissary's innocence, how with so few words you had an earnest encapsulation of what he was thinking or feeling, and how in death the deep bass became a childlike lightness when meeting the Matron in her domain. The short arcs each of these characters undergo was amazing to see and the combat the more they became divine was insane - like seriously Trist hit 500 damage from a Guiding Bolt! And Ayden's Sunburst killed 3 Dragons and more AT THE SAME TIME! And btw throughout all 3 parts the dialogue has been outstanding, good grief! You could make a small book of all the amazing, thought-provoking, and downright emotional quotes packed in these three episodes. These are true tour de force players, guided by Brennan painting a gallery of scenes as if he was speaking at the Globe Theatre.

I like that the Factorum Malleus is pretty blatantly an allegory to a Nuclear Warhead. With the problem being that dropping a nuke will only beget the sobering conclusion that it can be done again, by others too - much like the Ritual of Seeding: once you make god bleed, everyone will try to cut them. The Factorum should not exist just as Nuclear Weapons should not exist, and that plays a part in the horror of seeing Cassida present it to Trist as if it was a gift to win the war rather than a tool to kill her family, just as Oppenheimer saw the bomb as a means to end all wars until he realised after that it was just a new escalation to warfare.

We also found room for important non-God NPCs, mainly the tragic success and failure of two Aeorian Archmages: Selena Erenves and Cassida Previn. Both display acts of humanity which end tragically; Cassida fell into faith to save her son and was given the chance to try and erase the knowledge of the Factorum so that people could survive, but her good intentions was prey to Asmodeus' cruelty and she was tortured and killed for information that, had he maintained the Arcadia guise, would've been handed over willingly, then on the other side there's Selena, who accepted death and consequences before attempting to activate the Factorum while also successfully spreading the knowledge of its construction to every wizard in Aeor, effectively forcing the Primes into having to destroy the city, only to be embraced by Corellon, forgiven, spared, and left to live with her actions. It's ironic that Cassida was punished for her humility while Selena was spared for her hubris, and the only real reason for their fate is which god they were stood before at that moment. The celestials Garathran and Acastriel were solid obstacles for Brennan to flex his dialogue of embitterment and demonstrate humanity in characters deemed otherworldly but not so much human, Garathran's suicide was very visceral even if them killing themselves in front of the Death Goddess was dumb, and Emhira and Ayden both using themselves to shield a blow from Acastriel was great symbolism to pay off their arc of bonding as siblings. They and the Archmages also acted as a harsh reality for the gods that their 'children' don't want to be coddled anymore, they've grown enough to want to understand, and have at least a voice on the table. On the lighter side of NPCs, Slitch was a lot of fun, I hope he managed to survive - maybe ascending with the Matron since Emhira did willingly relinquish her mortal form rather than it being destroyed in the crash - and still serves the Matron somehow, he's just a funny lil' guy. Brennan playing as children is always gonna be heartwrenching too, but the Everchildren Haylie and Topher were both sweet and also so brave; they have their mother's courage, as well as her divine spark.

For the mortal god NPCs Brennan rightfully didn't have Arcadia (Ioun), Zaharzht (Torog), Umleta (Lolth) or Tishar (Grummsh) outshine the main cast, often guiding the story along or cracking wise with them, but that could not be helped when it came to Milo Cowst. Brennan's Asmodeus is spectacular, absolutely untouchable, and when I say that I mean every time he does something I want to punch his smirking shit-eating face so hard that my hand appears on the other side of his head, because fuck that guy! The continual torment he does not just to mortals but to his own family is just some absolute peak villainy; he conspired with the celestials to entrap Ioun and was willing to sacrifice her, his own sister, to get what he wants. He as Arcadia tried to convince Trist to go after her family, telling her 'I love you' just as Imri did before heading into the fire, knowing KNOWING that he was luring her away from Cassida - one of the few followers she had left - to try and run away with the knowledge of the Factorum, and then donning Trist's husband's shape while he revelled in getting Cassida to allegedly renounce her before eviscerating her at his feet for Trist to find, all this while he had already sent his forces to murder all the refugees in Hawk's Hill - targeting Trist's mortal family especially while this all happens - I hate him so much. As a side note, it's interesting how Brennan and Matt establish two different Major God villains in the world: Brennan's Asmodeus and Matt's Tharizdun. It's not a bad thing to have two godly villains, I shudder to think what would happen if they worked together (at least before the inevitable power struggle), especially since their villainy is in two different departments: Asmodeus is a villain to beings while Tharizdun is more a villain to the Material Plane, you could also relate that to Predathos who uses both of their methods in their own way. Since Tharizdun doesn't get as much in-person appearances atm Brennan's Asmodeus does truly feel like the absolute villain of everything right now, but Matt does have way more time than Brennan does to get his godly villain across.

The three episodes each had a unique flavour to them; Part 1 was very much about establishing the dynamics and setting the scene: Aeor in its militarized dystopian state and the characters as mortal avatars of a pantheon of siblings and lovers, refugee lights of Tengar, in a truce. Part 2 however flaunted the positives, negatives, and defiance of mortality; the Ars Elysia was wild as it was beautiful, SILAHA's monologue with Emhira was engrossing, and the episode excelled in showing the weight of knowing how many innocent, faithful and/or good people there were, paired with the horror of knowing how many lost faith in the Gods there also was, and the lengths both the devout and the undevout would go because of the Calamity's toll on them. And then Part 3 ramps up the tragedy to like 15: the dystopia dystopes again, the destruction destroys, and the disaster disasts, and we reach the boiling point of conflict for an episode that was a mammoth SIX AND A HALF HOURS! The visual of the gods slowly being forced to break from their mortal shells to keep fighting their creations, and each other, to different ends showed the physical and mental toll the mission had done to them, Ayden rapidly aging the more his divinity courses through him and Trist continually trying to hold onto mortality if but for a single second longer, and reaching a point of no return: a choice between sacrificing, at that point, one unknown god to potentially find a way to spare the rest of Aeor - as they had desired to do - or save their entrapped sibling - having already lost so many to Predathos and the Matron having replaced another - but doom all of its people by not stopping Selena's Wish, which she believed would be a victory rather than a damning of her city. Heartbreak after heartbreak, sacrifice after sacrifice, and betrayal after betrayal, but even in the dark and desperation there was still a faint measure of hope; a mother seeking to erase the scrolls to save not just her son but all families in her home, Primes seeking only to destroy a weapon and as the city falls offering acts of compassion where they could, and a Slingshot firing a Sending Stone across the sea like a shooting star so that a mother could protect her children one last time. It is the fact that the hope still existed that makes it a tragedy: it could have been prevented, but because of the way mortals are, and because of the way the gods are, it couldn't end that way. By Part 2 I was intrigued by the fact that the idea of the Divine Gate had started to take shape this early, the Calamity after all would last another century, but it was a greater surprise learning that by the end of Part 3 Aeor wasn't the start of the conversation but the conversation, the last straw. Everything leading up to the Divergence was the Primes attempting to corral their siblings - and the Chained Oblivion - so they could lock themselves away from their second home forever, for the sake what they had built, which was chronologically the final layer to the tragedy. The theme that will complete the trinity of tragedies would be the theme of sacrifice. The Emissary was Erathis' sacrificial lamb, how biblical it was that she sent her 'son' knowing that he would die because she was unable to defy her laws nor bear to watch her lover come to harm, just as biblical is how Pelor sent the best and most hopeful qualities of himself to try and help people, Asha sacrificed her mortal form to embrace Zaharzht even when he hooked and clawed her form away, SILAHA sacrificed saving Aeor like he wanted in order to save Ioun, and then all the Primes resolve to sacrifice their presence in order to protect what was left of what they made. The theme of sacrifice will be compared with the weight of whether it was worth it, but it's not something you can say was justified either way, Downfall doesn't feel like it should be about sides; it was always a Trolley Problem, it is a current fey-absorbing, war-criming, land-sundering elf mage who is trying to make it about sides.

On that note, we must wonder how Bells Hells feel about watching all this. I did like many others think about their reactions throughout; did Imogen think of her mother when watching Trist and Cassida? Did Orym relate to Asha given how stretched thin and pining for Erathis she was? Did Ashton perhaps relate to Trist a little having also felt broken and powerless, kept going by the support of their family? I know we joke about Braius probably having to be silenced for cheering and hollering for Asmodeus but did he really agree with all that? And will Fearne now worry about seeing Asmodeus' true nature, which she should (call them lawyers Dorian!), given how she has unwittingly (and I maintain that it was not said to be a pact, Fearne clearly didn't know it was one and Nanna Mori, who is versed in pacts, called it an 'invitation to trade') bound her soul to him for Dominox's dusty wikipedia page - which is more a redirect to a 2-line section in 'List of Demons Unaccounted for Since the Calamity' - that yielded less info than a Speak with the Dead spell with an Aeorian corpse did. Outside of individual thoughts, I wonder if the Hells collectively related to other events the Gods underwent; the loss and lack of a home, tension caused by one of them thinking they knew better, the constant attack of their sense of morality by others? Ayden's character may invoke an interesting pause - since the Dawnfather has been pretty cold and unkind to the Hells, mainly Team Trauma, and Deanna lately - I wonder if they acknowledge or soften towards this new light (pun not intended but welcomed)? I know he didn't show and wasn't gonna but I also wonder if the Hells kept looking to see if FCG was there, if only to get another glimpse of their fallen friend, or if any of them managed to spot FRIDA - who while we know is canonically present wasn't explicitly mentioned either.

I must admit though I'm in the camp of 'what does this achieve for Ludinus?' because Matt said in the Cooldown that there was parts that proved him right but honestly I don't see it. History knows that the Gods united to drop Aeor, but if anything the footage makes most of the Gods more sympathetic, even to the god-adverse Hells. Showing how they have been just as messed up, traumatized and conflicted as they are as they tried to limit the loss but in the end get put in a crossroads where they choose their family, without discarding or disavowing their creations because of it, isn't gonna endear them to Ludinus' already ill-thought plan. Honestly the only Prime Deity that seemed overly brutal was the Stormlord and like, why would you even try to use Control Weather in a storm made by a Weather God? In interviews Taliesin has mentioned that Ashton has conflicted thoughts on the humanizing of the Gods, though again I don't think it's in the way Ludinus expects - I anticipate that it's more of an 'it was easier to hate them when they were all-powerful, all-arrogant entities that ignored our prayers' kinda thing, having sympathy for someone they had grown accustomed to disliking - so I wonder if other members of the Hells have conflicted feelings and whether it smooths over their aversion or whether their resolve remains the same. I'm not saying they will, but imagine if the Hells decide to be more open to allying more with some of the gods because of this? Seeking the temple in Aeor to converse with them and get on the same page. They all seem pretty respectful towards the Matron already, but perhaps some focus on Corellon - if only to see if he rebuilt the Ars Elysia elsewhere for a post-Ruidus rager XD - and Ioun would be an interesting route; the Knowing Mistress would have answers for those seeking history and information, and the Arch Heart could have answers in curious and divine magics. In addition, imagine if the Everlight gains more followers through the Hells? She helped revive Laudna through Pike so the Hells shouldn't really have any negative feelings towards her, honestly I just think she deserves more followers after seeing all of this. Plus if they could get some of that Divine Prowess (Vitality and Potency at the least) for the final fight we could be in for some blockbuster and creative damage feats! Again, I don't see it as likely, but it's a thought. We could also entertain learning more about the non-god characters that survived; did the blood of the Everchildren continue to this day - there are theories they're tied to the Clay family? What did Selena do post-Aeor? Is Cassida's body still in a protective shield? These are questions fans would want answered that isn't 'was the silver dragon's name Bolo?'.

One has to wonder too if this presentation framed as validation for the atrocities he's committed just shows how divorced from reality Deludinus is. Was the point that 'they're family so they'll choose to save each other over entire cities'? Because many mortals would do the same in their position, the Hells themselves have inferred at times that they would prioritize each other over everyone else. You know what's not a way to avoid that dilemma? Unleashing a god-eating entity the gods even at the height of their power are afraid of! Because of this, Ludinus is painted as someone blind to the fact that it's his machinations that are trying to push the world into an even worse and bloodier Calamity than what he endured as a child, with him weakening the measures put in place to avoid such a thing rather than preventing it. Also he is almost like the Primes in that the people he's allied with secretly seek to remove him from the equation, though I think he's just arrogant enough to believe he can handle them. On the topic of whether Ludinus is Hallis Previn - spared by the Matron after having been healed by the Everlight - I'm not sure, it is possible but I don't think he needs to be Hallis, in fact it would probably be more interesting if he wasn't - since you'd have to jump through a fair amount of hoops to even begin explaining his motives and mindset.

But now we have to ask a question: what do we do now? The mission was to take down Ludinus, and we could still achieve that given how it's 10v1; but Orym isn't in the best of shape health-wise, the Toothy Maw and Dominox fights did cause a lot of the group's slots to be used up and Ludinus only really used 2 spells (Gate and Counterspell) since being encountered, deluded he may be but weak he is not. Laudna's haunting will permanently track him anyway and if he shows this to the world it'll likely emit similar results we and the Hells are having; some faiths may be shaken sure but others may be more supportive of the Gods. Right now there's no real reason not to show this footage. I suppose we could kill him and show the footage anyway - I mean it doesn't need to be shown by him explicitly - before handing it to Vassalheim or the Cobalt Soul's archive, honestly I would live for it if the first thing Bells Hells did after seeing the footage was Orym or Ashton just calmly walking up to Ludinus and decking him in the face, but the encounter in Aeor does feel designed for either Ludinus or the group to escape rather than fight to the death. Between the two, it would favour more for the Hells to stay; Aeor still feels barely scraped for them and Essek, who hasn't given Ashton any tangible answers about Dunamancy that he couldn't have gotten from a book yet - plus wild magic is rife within Aeor heck a beacon could be here, won't have much reason to stick with the Hells if they leave. If they don't use Essek's 'emergency escape' measure he's hinted at there could be something devised to let the group linger here a bit more such as finding the temple, the Ars Elysia, or another special room simply to explore more of Aeor - freeing the Stasis bubbles may not be the smartest or merciful option right now, given that all wizards within know how to make the Factorum. In terms of Ludinus, it'd be good to kill him now from a mission standpoint because he's the head honcho and the Hells need a big, convincing W to kinda make up for Otohan (which was more Matt's fault for rolling so high), but if we eliminate too many Exandrian enemies like Ludinus, providing that Liliana won't 180 again with him gone...which is a possibility, the endgame battle can risk turning into a more ugly Exandria vs Ruidus conflict rather than Life vs Predathos. So perhaps Ludinus should simply escape this time and we'll save the next major enemy to kill for Zathuda or one of the Five Imperium leaders.

Overall, and this won't be the last time we'll have to say it because some people have short memories and impulsive reactions, this is a prime example towards why we need to let CR cook. Yes, C3 has been scattered a bit, but this plot is a worldwide threat, which means you must show that it affects the whole world: this is a convergence of storylines from all 3 campaigns AND spinoffs, everything has its place and while we can be irked about the timing of things what we get is still pretty awesome. Just like the CK intermission, Downfall was an incredibly intricate and well-performed piece of narrative important to the main plot which honestly, as much as I still miss the Hells, could've gone an episode longer. Where we go next becomes further interesting because we have a greater grasp on the lore and characters of the gods, and it opens the door for more lore - such as what Corellon's strand of hair he left behind is - and context to be discovered in later episodes in this and/or later campaigns.

[edelgarfield]

god damn it all this Aeor and Calamity lore has me liking Ludinus a lot more than I ever wanted to. I find him so fascinating and compelling as a villain, in the way that he reflects a lot of my favorite characters' flaws particularly from CR2, but CR3 in Bell's Hells at times self-defeating pursuit of power in order to win.

I'm thinking abt a couple quotes from Essek, bc he & Ludinus obviously have so much in common. By Essek's own admission, it was his inability to trust people that made his pursuit of knowledge at the cost of others so appealing, that made him lose sight of the hurt he was causing

In particular the second quote: feeling personally responsible for doing something because of your inability to trust anyone else. I think that encompasses Ludinus's ideology & motivation so well.

The idea of longevity/immortality being a barrier to intimacy is something that gets talked about with respect to elves a lot, and I think Ludinus encompasses that to its logical extreme. Ludinus is one of the last survivors who actually lived on Exandria during the Calamity. Most elves actually fucked off to the Feywild and didn't return until long after the fighting was over. Given Ludinus was a child when Aeor fell, I would assume that means his parents chose to stay on Exandria & he was born afterwards. (Which if that's the case, adds another layer to his resistance against the gods bc he was doomed to live through the war on the surface of Exandria bc of a choice his parents made before he was born.)

All the elves born at the tail end of the Calamity are dead by now, Ludinus lived at least 160ish years of it, and most of the elves born around that time would have been in the Feywild and wouldn't have the experience of seeing what happened to the world. Everyone else who survived the Calamity would have died hundreds of years ago, not to mention that only a third of the population even survived it in the first place. The thing that's saved the PCs (& Essek) time and time again is their bonds with others, having other people to support them & remind them that all the power in the world means nothing if you lose yourself in its pursuit, that there are good things in this world worth living for.

Anyone that might have had the chance to sway Ludinus from his path is long dead, either from the Calamity or old age. Liliana seems to be the only person he feels close to, but they're both bonded through their shared cause. Even other elves, the people with the longest memories, don't understand what living through the Calamity was like. They weren't there.

I know it was mostly a joke when Laudna suggested Ludinus go to therapy, but at the same time where would he go? One of the things that helps PTSD is a sense of community, feeling like there are other people who share your experience, but there isn't anyone that shares Ludinus's experience (Not to mention anything resembling a therapist on Exandria would most likely draw power from a deity, which Ludinus is understandably opposed to).

That sense of isolation is something that comes up again & again among CR PCs. CR2 is the most obvious, but it's something plenty of the CR3 characters have been through as well. Ludinus would have been alone in his trauma for hundreds of years. That's completely incomprehensible to us. He would have watched the world move on and forget something that's so deeply affected him. Any attempt to confide in someone about his anger & pain would often be met with "this is punishment for our hubris" "the gods love us" "don't question their will." The very, very few allies he had would die out over the years until one day he's the last and he would be the last for centuries more. I feel like that sense of isolation, feeling removed from the world, bottling up centuries' worth of emotion would make anyone numb. he withdraws further and further into himself bc he doesn't belong. he works for centuries at removing the gods, becoming more and more desperate as he grows older, without anyone else to provide perspective as his plans grow more and more ruthless. (i also have a theory that this loneliness is part of what makes him sympathetic to predathos but that's a separate post)

Given his age & being the last survivor of the Calamity, I think it's nearly impossible for him to connect with other people. The only thing that gives him any sense of connection or community is his crusade against the gods; he only feels connected to others through their shared pain & anger, which never allow him to move past it. He can't trust anyone bc no one else understands what the gods are capable of like he does, nobody else understands what's at stake. He's the only person remaining who does, which means he's the only one who can do what he believes needs to be done.

There's a sense of duty. He needs to eliminate the gods because he doesn't trust the future inhabitants of Exandria to be able to protect their world. He owes it to all those who've been trampled on by the gods to do what they no longer can. I think he genuinely cares about mortals & he wants to defend them from a threat that he believes only he can see, but I think he cares far more about the thousands of dead he carries on his back than anyone alive. He can't simply live a happy life bc everything that once made his life worth living is gone. He can't let go of that pain & anger and move forward. His trauma is what gives him purpose and meaning; healing from it would be a betrayal to all the people that have suffered beneath the gods.

I don't think he's wrong about the gods, but I think he's seeking freedom from the gods' control, not realizing that he's letting himself be controlled by the dead. I think it's been a very long time since he spared a thought towards actually living. Bell's Hells keeps accusing him of wanting to take the place of the gods, or wanting to be seen as a messiah, but I truly don't think that's it. I don't think he cares about what comes after, if he's even thought about it at all. I don't even think he wants to be a martyr. His goal has never been for him to live in a free world, it's to ensure that there will be a world after he's gone, forever. he thinks if he dies without securing that future, he'll have failed Exandria & all the souls that have ever lived on it.

He's been completely ruthless in his pursuit of power because to him, he is fighting for Exandria's survival. That's exactly the trap BH has fallen into in the past, pursuing power even when it hurts themselves & their friends, losing sight of the actual people they claim to be protecting. Ludinus surrounds himself with terrible people; Otohan and Trent to name two, bc he wants the power they hold without getting his hands dirty himself. but in doing so he immediately removes any possibility of emotional intimacy. the people he works with don't trust him & he doesn't trust them. the one exception is Liliana & unfortunately I think she just met him far too late.

so much of CR is about the importance of feeling connected to other people, how those connections remind us of what's truly important, and keep us grounded, how when we begin to lose sight of ourselves, it's those we're close to that remind us. I think of Caleb & Essek, they both had goals they wanted to pursue, but in finding a place to belong realized those goals wouldn't actually make them happy. Ludinus doesn't want to be happy, he wants to have a purpose, and I know I'm a bleeding heart, but I think there is something incredibly tragic in someone who can't even imagine what it would be like to live a happy life.

I think of Fjord & Percy & Imogen & Laudna & Dorian, people who nearly lost themselves in pursuit of power, but chose to turn away because living for their friends was more important that dying for the world. Ludinus is the pendulum swinging in the other direction. It's incredibly tragic bc imo his intentions are genuinely good; he's arrogant and selfish and ruthless but i think he truly does want to protect Exandria.

I think there was a point in the past where someone could have reached him & he could have chosen a different path. i don't even think he would have necessarily had to give up his goal of removing the gods. if he had other people working alongside him instead of under him, who knows what he could've come up with? if he had people to pass the torch onto once he was gone, maybe he would feel like there was time to come up with a solution besides Predathos.

But he doesn't and he can't trust anyone bc no one else believes in his cause as fervently as he does. he can't trust anyone else to make the sacrifices he's willing to make so he never tries. He denies himself the aid & perspective & closeness that comes with trusting someone and becomes further and further entrenched in his mission to remove the gods at any cost. He's the only one alive left to remember the trauma of the Calamity: he has to carry all of it because no one else can.

[adelrambles]

Tips on Writing Bishop

I've been asked a couple times for advice on how to write a good (03-style) Bishop, and I'm well-aware he can be a bit tough to get a grasp on. As someone who's studied him specifically to learn how to write him as accurately as possible, I figured I'd compile some thoughts in case it'd be helpful to anyone else. I know a lot of Rise takes on him are basing off the 03 version, so maybe this could help generate ideas, too. SO!

Big Overall Points!

At the core of EVERYTHING Bishop does are two primary motivations. The first: the protection of the earth. What this means to him can get tricky, because it doesn't necessarily mean protecting the people, at least not all of them. But it will be better understood alongside the other:

The second: The protection of his sense of safety. Bishop has been deeply traumatized, and everything he does is born of a want to avoid that pain ever again. In his mind, earth is a safe area, a controllable factor, and anything outside it is a danger that must be eliminated. This is why he will still be willing to put himself and other people on the line in service of this; any sacrifice is worth the greater goal. (It's worth noting, Bishop will claim the first as his motivation freely, but is likely not consciously aware of the second.)

Bishop deals in Big Picture ONLY. Another reason Bishop will willingly throw away anything, including the lives of the people he claims to protect, is that he seems incapable of understanding things on a small, individual basis.

Bishop is a cold personality. He does not have strong displays of emotion. He does emote, but for the most part it's muted, so I recommend using emotional bursts very sparingly. (In my own writing, as an example, I try to limit my use of exclamation marks in his dialogue as much as possible.)

At his core, Bishop is afraid, and his response to fear is aggression. This also makes it particularly difficult to talk him down, if he's put in an emotional state. His response to not being in control is often violent retaliation.

With those basic tenants understood, let's move next to some major personality traits:

Bishop is a controlling personality. This is a direct result of his trauma response. Things that can be controlled are safe, therefore he must control everything. If something cannot be controlled, it's a threat that must be eliminated. If he doesn't know why something happened, he becomes angry (including even when it benefits him.)

Bishop is very low-empathy. When writing him, I try to keep in mind that he cannot put himself in the perspective of others. (Or if he can, he doesn't care to.)

Bishop is a sadist. He gets personal enjoyment from hurting others.

Bishop likes fighting, but only when he's winning. He will quickly leave if he can't see a guaranteed victory.

Bishop is paranoid. This is probably self-evident, but it's the reason he's often so well-prepared even when things don't go to plan.

Bishop genuinely seems to enjoy science. He's shown to be far more lenient with scientist characters than anyone else, and he seems to involve himself in his scientists' projects to a degree. Enough to, at the very least, understand their work. (Given he was the one set to dissect the turtles, it might also be argued he has some medical or biology background, himself.)

Bishop is an opportunist and scavenger. He can roll with failures as long as he can find something to get out of it. If he's presented with an opportunity to stab someone in the back, and he has something to gain? He'll take it without a second thought.

Bishop is deeply self-blind. For all his perceptiveness and strategic prowess, Bishop is not very self-aware in the slightest. He is completely blind to his own hypocrisies, and thoroughly confident in his own righteousness.

Bishop adapts fast. He accepts situations for what they are and acts (Though he may still be angry about them, or what have you.) This is likely a skill developed via longevity; the world around him has changed rapidly, but he doesn't feel out of place at all.

Bishop will take extreme risks and thinks wildly outside the box. Also self-evident, if you're familiar with the plans he enacts throughout the show. He'll put a lot on the line if he thinks the reward is worth enough, and he's willing to go to extreme lengths to get what he wants, even if his plans would be considered crazy by normal standards.

Bishop is persistent. If he wants something, he won't stop until he gets it. If he fails, he'll retreat, make a new plan, and try again. It is very difficult to convince him to back down (and certainly not on moral grounds.)

Habits and triggers I've noted:

Being restrained of any sort puts Bishop in a panic. He is more likely to have an emotional response in these scenarios, and seems to have (an albeit muted) desperation to escape. (See: Leatherhead restraining him in the first encounter; His reaction to being trapped on the surgical table in Head of State.)

When being duplicitous or suppressing a reaction, Bishop will go to adjust his tie. This could possibly be considered his tell.

Bishop seems to have a particular fear of aliens blending in as humans. His slayer project was built around the assumption that this is a common threat. (Worth noting: This makes The Shredder the model of the exact threat Bishop is afraid of. Technically, Bishop himself may also fit the description of a threat shaped like a human.)

Writing considerations:

In 03's narrative, Bishop is EPF and EPF is Bishop. Narratively speaking, any organization Bishop is head of acts as if it is an extension of his will and character.

Bishop is shown to strike fear and/or discomfort into most characters he interacts with. Anything beyond this is an outlier, and will draw a reader's attention.

Dialogue-wise, Bishop is generally succinct and blunt. He does dabble in gloating, though, and especially likes to upset others. If he's given a chance to be mean, he'll usually take it. It can help to consider he has a Mission Mode and a Normal Mode. When it comes to Mission Mode, he gets straight to the point and hates unnecessary talking. Otherwise, he's still not very talkative, but will take the time to make pointed jabs or talk through a plan. A lot of his sense of humor seems to be rooted in how He's Better Than You (And You're Going To Die Painfully.)

It's a common pitfall that Bishop is depicted as seeking out the turtles. In 03, once he gets their DNA, he's done with them. Any encounters after that are incidental. Bishop does not care about anything that won't effect his greater goal. If he's targeting another character, it should have to do with a greater plan.

Bishop is an extremely competent combatant, shown to be able to handle up to 7 opponents at once. For a breakdown on his fighting style check out my other post on that!

Bishop is hard to kill, and oftentimes he accidentally contributes to his own defeat. (The hook from Bishop's Gambit is an example I get a LOT of mileage out of, as a perfect symbol of his self-defeating prophecies.)

We almost only ever see Bishop in the context of his work. While it could be construed that he depersonalizes himself, it's much more clear that the narrative depersonalizes him. As far as we, the audience know, Bishop's work is all that he is.

It's unclear if Bishop was released from his abduction or escaped. Depending on which you ascribe to, this can have ramifications for his mindset on how to deal with the alien threat. (Personally, because so much of his inability to cope hinges on a feeling of helplessness, I believe he was released. If he escaped on his own power, that undercuts it, somewhat.)

Thematically-speaking, Bishop parallels both his own torturers and his own victims at the same time. He has perpetuated the cycle that traumatized him in the first place by trying to fight fire with fire. (In that vein, I don't think he's capable of understanding that, not seeing aliens as people in the first place, just dangers. Considering how deeply ingrained his trauma is in his worldview and actions, it would probably ruin him, if he were ever able to actually grasp it.)

Bishop and EPF are likely a commentary on the military of the time 03 was coming out. This can be something worth keeping in mind, when figuring out his greater themes in your story, though it can just as well be discarded if it doesn't fit.

Adding to that, Bishop has an extensive american military background. His skills and knowledge will reflect that.

Bishop also plays on and references a number of real-life alien conspiracies. It can be worth digging through conspiracy history to drum up ideas and themes, too.

The ethical and philosophical quandaries of Bishop's body-hopping and humanity tend to not hold too much weight, because Bishop, himself, doesn't seem to care.

If I think of more I'll certainly be adding on to the reblogs of this post! Or, if you have more thoughts, please feel free to add! If you're in the mood for more Bishop ramblings, that's practically most of this blog atm, but this post is a particular favorite. If you're interested in Fast Forward!Bishop, specifically, consider this post! (also read Taking Pawns. slipped in that self-promo, nice.)

[so-long-soldier-writes]

It's a Cruel Summer, With You

kai parker x reader | requested

summary: kai's never had anyone tell him they love him. he panics when he hears it for the first time.

tags: based on cruel summer by taylor swift, mild enemies to lovers, drinking / alcohol, secret relationship, summer love, love confessions, fear / panic, past trauma affecting relationships, emotional hurt, unrequited love (but not really), break-up, heartbreak, unhappy ending, one teensy edgar allen poe reference

word count: 5k

a/n: anon, i apologize once more for the amount of time this took! i hope you like it, and i hope i did taylor swift justice. 🩷 i also hope it makes sense bc sometimes i feel like my thoughts are just all over the place 😅

You were staring daggers into the back of his head, three days after a drastic turning point in their lives. And he, feeling your eyes upon him, turned to face you and smiled. That enraged you like nothing else; no man had ever had such an audacity with you, to raise the hell that he had and still offer a smile. You looked back down at your drink, still fuming, and still aware of him watching you, and texted your friends about it. One replied with an equal disgust, another sent a funny-to-her joke, and there was no response from the third. 

“Maybe he’s got a sweet spot for you,” she had said.

“Ha.”

A sweet spot that’d make him kill you last, maybe.

You rolled your eyes exhaustedly, but by the time you looked back down, someone had slunk into the booth across from you. You jumped, then rolled your eyes a second time at the realization of who it was.

“Hey cutie.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Kai shrugged, unbothered. He kept eye contact with you in a way that made it hard to look away; his blue eyes seemed to pierce right into your soul. They weren’t bright, like Damon’s, but instead had a touch of darkness in them. Like storm clouds rolling in on a bright, sunny day. They threaten rain, but you’re not sure if the downpour will come today or tomorrow.

Kinda like how he came into Mystic Falls. 

“What do you want?” You bit, after about thirty seconds of staring.

“Are you scared of me?”

“Excuse me?”

“Are you afraid of me?” He repeated, eerily softly. 

“Why would you think that?” Forced bravery is better than none, especially when faced with Kai Parker. 

“There’s a slight tremor in your voice. Only one finger touches the table, as if you’re unable to settle. You struggle to meet my eyes.”

“What are you, a psychologist?”

“I’m a sociopath.”

Shocker. 

“So?”

“I notice things.” He took a sip of your coffee. Reached out across the table, met your eyes, and sipped your drink. Again, the audacity. “I spent a lot of my childhood isolated. I had a lot of little brothers and sisters, and they were all taught to be afraid of me. I know how to read the signs.”

“I’m not afraid of you.”

“That’s what they’d say, too.”

“Well I’m not your siblings, and I’m not putting up an act. I don’t trust you, and I think you’re an ass, but I’m not afraid of you.” Your statement’s bold, but he had struck something fierce in you. A nerve, maybe on purpose, that wasn’t going to let him win this time. 

Kai smiled at that. His gaze dropped to the table, surveying your hands once more. His own pointer finger dragged along the wood. “I like you, Y/N. You’re plucky.”

The words took a moment to register - Kai saying he liked you. Kai didn’t like anyone. 

He got up to leave, causing you to turn towards him, prepared to jump out of the booth if you had to. “Well don’t.”

He cocked his head. “What?”

“I don’t want you to like me. I want nothing to do with you; you said it yourself, you’re a sociopath, and I don’t need that kind of bad energy in my life.”

That seemed to be funny to him, judging by the way he chuckled. “Okay, Y/N.” He put his hands up in surrender. “I won’t like you then.”

And with that, he was gone. 

Of course, he wasn’t gone - gone. Kai was never gone - gone from anything, even when people yelled at him to leave. He would disappear for a couple days, but he always came back. 

And somehow, after your interaction, you’d see him more frequently at the grill, too. He’d never talk to you, but you could feel his gaze. His stone cold blues would linger on you, almost like an animal stalking prey. 

It made you anxious, jittery. But somewhere, secretly, also a bit excited. 

He was dangerous in a way that drew you in. He had this aura about him that intrigued you as much as it scared you. You knew what he had done, and what he was capable of, and yet he still occupied the curious corners of your mind. 

And somehow, he seemed to know that. 

♫

How it happened from there is something you still question. Death glares became stolen glances, became blushing smiles, and by the next time he joined you at your booth, you didn’t try to fight him off. Kai ordered an uncharacteristically pink cocktail to match your own tropical choice. Neither said much as you both drank the rum mixtures down to the ice. You communicated in eye contact, mostly, as if daring the other to speak. Your stubborn personalities that should’ve clashed seemed to meld together instead. An intense staring contest was born. You found yourself entertained in the game, and quickly, enjoying it, too.

The booze soaked your brain as you continued to drink; your thoughts were fuzzy, and whenever you tried to catch them, they’d dissipate like cotton candy dropped in water. When Liv closed the restaurant around midnight, she unknowingly crashed the floodgates that weakly stood between you two. Ten feet out onto the street, you fell into him and he held you up. You laughed in his arms, partly due to your own drunken state, but partly that it’s Kai keeping you on your toes. He held you tight until you found your footing, just for you to crash your lips onto his unsuspecting own. The witch, taken aback but not opposed to it, let you taste him for a moment before kissing back. He pushed you up to the nearest wall, feeling and exploring, before hailing a ride back to your place. 

It had been forever for both of you. The uber driver with a ‘no touching’ rule sobered you up a little, but not enough to make you think twice about it. By the time he laid you down on your sheets, any doubt in your mind had fizzled out. He was a gentle lover, much to your surprise, likely because it was such an unfamiliar feeling to be so intimate with another. The little control you tried to take was met with a laugh, and you understood the signal. You didn’t mind being underneath him, though, nor did you mind him staying the night.

Guilt struck you when you first woke up in his arms, but not enough to barr yourselves from meeting again. The first few times you had to be drinking to convince yourself it was okay, but the more morning-afters you spent together, the less ashamed you started to feel. With time, nights started to feel less like hookups and more like something else. He became something you adored when you had, and craved when you did not. The feelings were mutual, though harder to pull out from the siphon, until you asked him directly, putting both your hearts out for the other to grab.

“What are we?” You asked, head leaning on the vending machine as he fetched himself a post-high gatorade. A bag of cookies were held in your own hand from the exchange you made one minute prior. 

“Having fun,” Kai replied.

“Kai…”

“Or so I think,” he followed his words, questioning the look on your face. 

“Are we anything more? Will we ever be?”

A loud voice down the hall that vaguely resembled his sister made a sharp remark to another person. His response sounded closer, as if they were heading in your direction. Kai grabbed your arm and muttered a simple cloaking spell until they both passed. Liv and Tyler both disappeared into her room, then Kai removed his hand. His touch lingered on your skin for a moment. You’ve grown to quite like the feeling. 

“I don’t know,” he confessed, “I’m not exactly the person for relationships, if you aren’t aware. I’m a sociopath that was locked in complete isolation for eighteen years.”

“I don’t care.” You grabbed his hand and laced your fingers together. “I like you. I don’t want this to stop. I want it to be more.”

“I’m not built for this.”

“But do you want it?”

His mouth went dry as he already knew the truth. He did. He wanted you so much, but fear held him back like a dog on a leash. He didn’t have much slack. “I want you,” he finally said. “I want this to work.”

“I’m not good at relationships, either. We’re figuring this out together.”

Kai seemed to accept that better, and two minutes later, he climbed back under the sheets with you, turning on a movie and sharing snacks until you fell asleep. 

♫

As your relationship progressed, it was tested, like all relationships ever are. You grew closer, more comfortable, as summer went on. Much of your time spent together was at night; you hadn’t told your friends, not ready for their questions nor their judgment, nor did you want the word out to his coven yet, afraid of whatever wrath his father could bring if he were to disapprove. You were still figuring things out, still learning about each other, and testing yourselves through time, and that was okay. Life isn’t something to be learned in a day, it’s something in which to be present to see where it takes you.

So, you let yourselves live, to do just that. On top of rooftops and beside small creeks, you snuck out to enjoy each other’s company. Mystic Falls has a lot of places to hide if you know where to look. 

A couple times, you’ve almost ran into others. More than anyone being Liv and Tyler, also avoiding her father. Once, you’ve ducked under bushes to hide from Bonnie. Kai kissed your neck while his hand was clamped over your mouth, daring you to give away your position, while playfully inhibiting your chance to do so.

Sometimes, you were drunk when you found yourselves venturing the town together. The bar in which neither Matt nor Liv worked became a hotspot for you. But instead of ending the night short, you opted to explore the late hours in each other’s company. The alcohol wore off quickly, but the drunkenness brought on by your unconfessed love never did. 

Kai, as it turns out, was easy to fall in love with. He was charming when you first met, but you were tickled to learn that underneath his manipulation tactics, he could be just as endearing authentically. He was a jokester and a flirt, whether across a room when you’d spot each other in public, or when you were hanging out together alone. You were never afraid to be alone with him. If your friends knew you were out with him, alone, at night, they would’ve freaked, but he always made you feel safe. And, once he felt comfortable being vulnerable with you, he revealed a side that could be sweet, too. 

Even after arguments, you were able to patch things up as if they hadn’t happened. Sometimes, he’d be bristling and volatile, but you knew that a lot of his anger came from a place of fear. You learned what to say that would calm him down; you told him what he needed to hear to feel safe again. You’d provide him with the comfort he’d always desired, and when he settled, he’d melt into your touch and softly request forgiveness.

You complimented each other perfectly. And while it took you a moment to name the emotion, the feeling had been there all along. It was love. 

♫

You were only slightly drunk the first time you realized the truth. Kai was painted in perfect, purple lighting, and his eyes seemed to sparkle when they met yours. You stumbled towards him and put your arms around his neck. He caught you, hands finding your waist. The music seemed to fade out as you swayed with him to the beat. It was as if a bubble captured you both, drowning out the rest of the world, making him your world, and in that moment, nothing else existed. You kissed him quickly, desperately, like an addict gone too long without a hit. He met you halfway, equally addicted. 

And then, because you were young, and stupid, and courageously in love, you blurted out the words swimming restlessly in your mind,

“I love you.”

You looked up at him, not expecting an answer just yet, but to offer an encouraging smile. Before your gaze even reached his, his body tensed. His hands felt like ice upon your nervously warmed skin, and his once-strong grip on your waist loosened. Kai wore an expression of confusion, different from the emotion that you tasted on his lips. You opened your mouth to retract the words, but nothing came out. The bubble that consumed you seemed to crack; the music previously blocked filled your eardrums once again. 

A fraction of a second later, you were guided to a hallway by your fingertips. The narrow path reduced some of the music, but most of the traffic. The man of your affection took to one wall, leaving you in the middle. You tried for his hand after he let it go, but dropped it at the discomfort he seemed to feel in having you hold it. 

You racked your brain for the right words, but nothing seemed perfect. You stared at the ground beneath your feet for a half second longer until he spoke, 

“You can’t do that.”

“What?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m sorry? I don’t. What did I do wrong?” He only shook his head, prompting you further. “Was it what I said or when I said it? Because I don’t think it’s wrong of me to confess what I feel for you when I know that it’s true.”

“It can’t be true. You can’t feel that for me.”

“Why not?”

“Because…”

“Provide me with a reason,” you interrupted, “or let me do as I please. I want to love you. I do, and I won’t apologize for it.” 

“Y/N-”

“We’ve had some tough times together, I know we have, but we’ve gotten through them. We - us, together - have worked through so much to get here. Of course I love you, there’s so much effort and, and, love, that connects us.” You paused, letting your thoughts catch up to your mouth. “You don’t have to say it back. You don’t even have to acknowledge it, if you’re not ready. I know it’s a big step.”

“You can’t go there, Y/N.”

“I know, okay, maybe it was too much, too soon. I’m sor-”

“No, you can’t ever go there. You can’t love me and you shouldn’t. I’m not designed for relationships, they’re not meant for me. Do you not remember the things I’ve done?”

“We’ve talked about this, Kai. You confided in me about your fears, but we handled them, I thought. Do you not remember what I said?”

“I do, but-”

“‘Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway’.”

“By Poe,” Kai finished.

“And it’s true. I don’t care about the things you’ve done. I want to love you, and I do.”

“But you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t excuse the things I’ve done just because you want to see me for someone who I am not. You shouldn’t be so desperate to see a difference in me that you convince yourself you love me.”

“What?! Kai, I’m not excusing nor am I desperate. I know you’re different from the you that wrought pain upon the town. That guy’s gone, buried, with this you in his place. And I quite like this you, and I’ve learned to love him, because his progress is worth loving. He is worth loving. You are.”

“The old Y/N would never say such things about her sworn enemy. You’d never dare hold his hand, nor kiss his lips, nor say such things, because you’d know better, and if you did, it’d be because of some horrible nightmare, or some instance where I spelled you to get what I needed, because Y/N, we’re living in a fantasy, and none of this is real.”

“I don’t understand! This is real! We’re here, together, and we were dancing, and we were happy, and now we’re in this hallway. Still together, but now questioning if the summer we’ve spent together has all been a hoax, or if that’s the booze talking.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“You have to be, to think what you’re saying is true.” You paused, heartbroken, and afraid to show it, but pretty sure the choke in your words already had. “So are you saying you’ve never meant it? All the times you’ve kissed me were just folly? Or the nights we stayed up until the sun rose again were only dreams I made up?”

“That’s not what I meant, Y/N. I know what we’ve done, and I know we’ve shared moments, but a fantasy is all this is for us. Something we want, but cannot have. We have to wake up some day.”

“I disagree, I think we can make it work.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. This was never supposed to be a long-term thing.”

“But we said it could be! We said it could make it work!”

“And that’s what makes it a fantasy! We both know that’s a lie.”

“Kai, I don’t understand. Ten minutes ago, we were fine. Yesterday, you gave me a kiss that swept me off my feet; that replaced all my organs with butterflies; that made me feel like full-bloomed roses on the nicest day of the year. You made me feel cherished, and happy, and beautiful, but now, I feel like I’m on the end of a well-thought out joke, and everyone’s finally allowed to laugh.”

“I’m not saying this to break your heart. I’m just trying to be realistic.” He reached out to wipe a tear from your cheek, but you smacked his thumb away. 

You couldn’t stop the tears from falling, but you still tried to talk through them. “I thought we were being realistic when we stayed up talking, all those nights, about how we knew each other’s flaws but were willing to work through them anyway. I would think, if we weren’t, we wouldn’t have spent a whole week together and considered getting an apartment to share, because we work just that well.”

“That only proves my point further. We haven’t been together long enough to make big decisions like that.”

“Then we’ll put it on pause and address it later.”

“Y/N-”

“Why are you doing this? Why does it seem like you’re giving up on us? Why are your words sounding like a preface to a break up?”

“Because they are,” he confessed, “because they have to be.”

“What do you mean, ‘they have to be?’”

“We can’t work. You can’t love me.”

“But I do, and I want to, and we do! We’ve managed to make it work, despite our-”

“But how long do you think we can keep this up? When will our differences outweigh our desires to stay together? When will we tell your friends about us? My family? We are too different for us to work, and I’m too damaged to be loved by you. We have to stop living in this fantasy.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this. Do you even know what you’re saying?”

“I’m not drunk, Y/N.”

“So what, have you been planning this? Have you been waiting for the perfect time? Funny, that the perfect time seems to be when I tell you I l-”

“Don’t,” he interrupted, “don’t say it again.”

“What?”

“The less you say it, the less you’ll believe it.”

“That’s bullshit. I believe it in the deepest corners of my heart. You’re etched into my bones. You’re the shimmer of light in the darkest parts of my mind. I love you, Kai Parker. I love you, and I don’t want to apologize for it, and I won’t believe that I’ve made this all up in my mind. It’s okay that you don’t love me, but don’t you dare try to say you feel nothing.”

“Y/N-”

“‘Tell me all the terrible things you’ve done, and let me love you anyway’.”

“You can’t. I won’t let you.”

“You don’t have a choice. I don’t. I can’t control my heart nor its desires. It wants you; you have it. Tell me you don’t crave it. I know you crave love, Kai. I know it in the way you kiss me, and in the way you hold me. I know it from the time you confessed, at two in the morning when you were too tired to hold back, and I know it from when you told me, clear as day, on that Wednesday afternoon. I love you, and I’m not afraid to love you. Why don’t you give in to what I know you want?!”

Because your love isn’t mine to take. 

Because I don’t deserve it.

Because you’re a gemstone, perfect and pure, and I’m the dirt from which it was pulled.

“Because I don’t feel the same for you,” he said instead, “I’m not capable of love. I’m a sociopath, and anything I’ve ever said was for my own fleeting pleasure. It’s over now. I’m done. I’m bored with us.”

“What? No. Something’s wrong. This is not the same Kai I spent the summer falling in love with. Are you Damon in disguise? Pulling some sick prank?”

“I’m not, Y/N. It’s me, being realistic, and telling you I don’t love you, and I never will. It’s time to go home, Y/N, and to your own bed, in your own sheets.”

The tears streaming down your face run your make-up, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. “But my sheets smell like you.”

“Then wash them.”

The harshness in his tone was unlike anything you’ve ever heard before. When you finally brought yourself to meet his eyes, there was no light inside them, no humanity. His jaw was tensely set, and for the first time in months, you saw the Kai that everyone feared when he had broken himself free of his eighteen-year punishment. Scared and sorrowful, you backed away from him. He didn’t follow. You backed further and further away until you were stumbling out of the bar. The wicked August heat kissed your neck like he used to -  passionately. You grabbed your hair, fumbling it up into a bun to get it off your skin, then searched for your phone to call a ride. 

As the white sedan approached your meeting spot, you trained your blurry vision on the door, but Kai never came out. He never shouted your name, hurried down the steps, nor caught you in an apologetic embrace, blaming his temporary ignorance on too much to drink. He never peered through a fingerprint-stained window, watching you from the glass, wondering if it's too late to take back what was said. It was just silent, as car engines roared and drunk couples chattered around you. 

When your ride finally came, you cried harder than you ever had in your life. Your driver glanced to the backseat, but didn't know a good time to interrupt, so he didn't. He offered a polite smile as you got out, thanked you for the five-star rating, and made sure you got in your apartment safely before pulling back onto the road. 

You barely made it through the door before crashing on the couch. Exhaustion settled in your bones halfway through the drive, and you couldn’t even think about climbing the stairs. The worst headache of your life pounded in your skull. Water was too far of a walk, so you let it throb. 

You tried your best not to think about Kai. His words rang in your head on repeat like an old antique bell - loud, heavy, constant. It almost felt like the whole night was a fluke. A nightmare. A spell, perhaps done by his father, or one of your disappointed friends. When you wake up, he’d be there, kissing your fingertips as the smell of coffee fills the air. You let this thought comfort you, and let it soften your heart. Although, deep down, you knew the truth. 

He wouldn’t be there. He didn’t want you. 

You’ve never known pain like this before.

♫

You can only ignore your friends for so long. Blaming a long to-do list can only give you so many excuses, and when Caroline messages you mid-afternoon on a Friday if you’d meet them at the Scull Bar, you realize you don’t have any more excuses left. So, cautiously, you pull yourself from your bed and drag your feet to your closet. You still haven’t washed your sheets, despite wanting to be rid of his once-comforting smell. It’s more stubbornness than anything, refusing to do the chore. If he thinks throwing a piece of fabric in the wash will rid you of him, he’s a damn fool.

You hadn’t been lying. He owns a part of your heart, and that can’t be simply washed away with some eco-friendly detergent.

Truthfully, you think, ignoring the heaviness in your bones as you enter the Scull Bar, the only way to remove him would be to carve out your heart entirely; to separate it from its lifeline and from all that’s familiar. But, you can’t, so you choose to let it bleed instead, and hope it doesn’t seep through your clothes. 

A vague sadness hangs above your heads, but none of your friends know the cause. You told them you were tired before joining them. You must not have gotten a good night’s sleep.

After all, it’s the first time in Mystic Falls where something tragic isn’t happening. Damon and Elena are planning out their lives, Stefan and Caroline are newly together, and Bonnie and Enzo, a quite unexpected pair, seem to be happy. Jo is five months pregnant, and Kai has left her alone. The girls wonder if that’s of his own volition, or if someone or something is distracting him, but you don’t offer any suggestions. When they then ask you about your own dating life, you only shrug. They tease playfully, having no idea about the wreckage your heart is still trying to piece back together. The cause seems hopeless. You don’t even have the energy to confide in them. 

The topic finally changes, but only because the one who dropped your glass heart enters. You turn when you catch a bit of his familiar cologne, but remind yourself he’s no longer yours and turn again just as fast. The girls let their gazes linger on him as if daring him to bother them, and for a moment, Kai wonders if you told them. But then, as they shrug and go back to their conversation, he knows you didn’t. Otherwise, they’d be hurling bitter words and sharp tools at him for breaking their best friend’s heart. 

And honestly, he wishes they were. 

It’s what he deserves, after all. 

♫

“I love you,” you had said, only a couple weeks ago. 

His heart stopped. His throat went dry. 

The words seemed to have been shouted at him, despite the booming bass around them. You weren’t yelling, though, you were simply telling the truth. 

A truth he wasn’t ready to hear. A confession he didn’t know how to process. 

How could you, a perfect person, love him, someone so tainted and dark? 

How could he ever love you the way you deserved? 

He did love you, of course. He knew it long before you ever confessed, but it was never something he felt okay to share. 

You always made him feel safe. Comfortable. Dare he say it, loved. 

But love was something he had never felt before, and to have something means that it can be lost. And to not lose it tragically, he must be the one to take it away. 

Hearing the words fall from your lips was both the best and the worst thing he could ever hear. He craves love, he knows he’s admitted it. He craves it more than anything else in the world. But wanting it and having it are two very different things, and now that he has it, he regrets asking for it. 

He had to hurt you then, before your soul could be completely shattered later. He had to stop it. Right then. Before he let you in too much and you got too attached.

So, he lied. 

He broke his own heart with every word, but it was nothing compared to the damage he knew it was doing to your own. He wanted nothing more than to sweep you into his arms, hold you tightly, and say it was all just a spell - an outside force trying to drive you apart - but he couldn’t. His fear of hurting you triumphed over his love for you. His mouth spoke before his mind could process the words he professed. He became unrecognizable to himself by the time he delivered his final blow. Your tears stained your perfect face and your posture was defeated, but he was no longer the one that could offer any solace. He was now the one that ruined you, and there was no coming back from what he had done. 

How terrifying it is, that three little words can make or break you. 

How terrifying it was, to wake up the next morning and realize the damage caused. To have to come to terms with the fact that he had broken the only good thing in his life. To imagine the love of his life sitting on the couch, stirring coffee, with a head full of questions neither will ever be able to answer. 

“I love you, Kai Parker. I love you, and I don’t want to apologize for it…”

“I love you,” ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?

[demigod-shenanigans]

More next gen stuff since that’s apparently what we’re doing right now:

Veronica di Angelo, Will and Nico’s adopted demigod child from my shared custody universe with @queenjunothegreat

Backstory:

-Veronica’s dad died when they were a baby and they ended up in the foster system. They ran away from neglectful foster parents when they were six and were thankfully found by a satyr and brought to camp relatively quickly after that.

-By that point there’s an established foster program for what used to be the year rounders because the whole concept of “children that can’t return home because it’s too dangerous and/or because their families are dead and that are therefore left to just deal their trauma on their own with at most the care of a slightly older teenager” was always a terrible idea. There’s also some adult volunteer demigods at camp who provide much-needed supervision and support for the kids who haven’t found demigod foster parents yet.

-Especially Nico knows just how much of a difference it could have made to have a trusted adult looking out for him when he was terrified and grieving, so he was the one who initially suggested to Will that they volunteer to stick around and look after the kids. Will was down for it immediately, partially because that way he can take over being the main healer at camp again. He refuses to have that role go to another fourteen year old, that is way too much responsibility, these kids deserve to be actual kids.

-Will patches Veronica up when they get to camp and is able to calm them down a little after the initial Greek mythology freakout, but Nico is the first person to really get through to them. Veronica hasn’t had a trusted adult for so long and things are a lot at the beginning, but Nico is great at finding a balance between giving them space and being supportive at the same time. They grow very attached to him over the next few months.

-It also just in general means the world to this little enby kid to see happy queer adults in a healthy relationship.

-Eventually Nico and Will sit them down and ask if they’d like to be their kid officially. Veronica immediately says yes.

Additional details/fun facts under the cut:

-Veronica is a child of Nike. Go-to nickname is V, like the victory sign.

-Generally they’re a pretty chill person but the second there’s any kind of competition, things get heated very quickly. Even if it’s just a card game with no real stakes aside from winning, they will be a competitive gremlin about it.

-Due to their parentage, V is naturally athletic and a great strategist. They can also fly, though not nearly as well or as far as a child of Zeus/Jupiter could.

-They’ve had a very intense rivalry with Emilia McLean basically since they met because Em had the audacity to beat them in their first ever CHB capture the flag game. The two of them care about each other a great deal but refuse to admit it. They bicker constantly. They’re never on the same team for any of the activities, despite the fact that they’d be damn near unstoppable if they worked together.

-There’s an ongoing bet at CHB about whether or not they’re dating Em. The answer is secret third thing (the two of them are in the world’s most chaotic qpr but neither of them realizes this for the longest time)

-Aside from Em, the person Veronica is closest to is a Hypnos child named Poppy, who is the only calm, chill person in their chaotic little trio. Whenever Poppy gets tired of Em and V’s bickering, she puts them both to sleep.

-Veronica is very close with both of their dads, but especially with Nico.

-When they were little and crawled into their dads’ bed after a nightmare, Will always asked if they wanted him to go nightlight mode so they could sleep more easily (the answer was usually yes). Sometimes when they get upset when they’re older he’ll start glowing unprompted and it still helps.

-They hate getting injured because Will being the main camp healer means their dad is basically always one of the first people to know they did something stupid. It’s really embarrassing.

-They have a decently close relationship with both Hades and Apollo. Neither of them care that V is adopted, that is their grandkid regardless.

-They do not have a great relationship with their mom, who’s really only around when they win something. Veronica has two wonderful dads and two godly granddads who don’t make them put on a show to gain their attention, so at some point they just tell their mom not to bother anymore. They may like winning, especially against Em, but they’re not doing it for Nike’s sake.

-They really enjoy dyeing their hair.

-Veronica adores Frank and Hazel. Family game nights with V and the twins are terrifying (mostly for the adults. The kids usually have a great deal of fun, even though it does look like there’s about to be bloodshed at least half of the evening).

-Aside from Frank and Hazel, V’s favorite member of the Seven is probably Jason because he was really patient and helpful when it came to teaching Veronica to control their ability to fly. That was something they struggled with for a while (largely due to the fact that Nike’s flight works via wings, and Veronica inherited the ability to fly, but did not get the wings, so controlling said flight is… a problem.) Jason had to gently coax them/fly them down from the ceiling a few times because they couldn’t figure out how to get back down after they accidentally went antigravity mode while pacing.

-On Will’s side of the family, Kayla is their favorite, purely based on the fact that they managed to bait her into teaching them how to shoot arrows.

[beargyufairy]

Just My Thoughts Pt. 26

One of my favorite arc in all of Fairy Tail is the Tartaros arc. It had everything I wanted and more. I think it was one of Mashima best written storyline (I haven’t watched/read his other works). It was more than just friendship is power and all happy endings. It had sacrifices, loss, heartbreak, and all the gut wrenching emotions. It was honestly one of the reasons I’m into anime now. At the point of first watching FT, I wasn’t really convinced anime was for me. But that arc changed it all. I have a special place for it in my heart. While they did end up victorious, it wasn’t without a lot of trauma. Natsu lost his dad, Igneel, after being reunited which was his life goal. Gray lost his father again and Juvia believed she was responsible for it. Wendy and Carla were ready to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their friendship and love. All of the dragon slayers lost their dragons. FT ended up disbanding for the time being. And Lucy lost her new home, her friends left her, Natsu/Happy went off to train and process their own thoughts, she was left alone after sacrificing Aquarius one of her first celestial keys to save the lives of her friends. I really loved how despite their win, it didn’t seem as successful. I really think it added a very deep element to the story and their characters.

I really hope the 100 YQ has something similar as we approach the end. It’s been good so far but kind of lacking in some aspects such as proper portrayal of emotions beyond the few in their range. I also think that having another arc the idea of “win but at what cost” is very important for FT. All their growth and loss from the original series seems to have evaporated from the 100 YQ. I won’t get into this too much or else I’ll end up ranting. But an arc with some loss would be amazing. I think it should have something related to Aquarius since Lucy did lose her in the Tartaros arc. So it would be a full circle type of concept. Additionally, I really really hope (and beg on my knees) for Mashima to use Lucy fear of Natsu flames for the first time in a gut punch way. It needs to have some impact and importance to the story. I need it desperately.

On the side note, I have been enjoying the little side stories or filler episodes in the 100 YQ. Ichiya and Anna was very unexpected but it’s understandable in a manner if we consider the last arc of FT. I also love the ship crumbs in the last few episodes. Jellal and Erza need to just kiss already!! I’m so glad he’s joining the guild. And ofc… NALU crumbs has my heart. I whole heartedly believe that Natsu thinks he’s dating Lucy since the last episode of the original series. I just can’t wait for this to play out!!

Until my next thought! ❤️