#anticipatory anxiety

[whilereadingandwalking]

My anticipatory dread of good events has increased with the general lack of care and masking: an anxiety and certainty that someone will give me or my partner Covid and we won’t be able to go to Australia, or that something else will sweep this trip out from under us. We’re generally safe but there’s a limit to how much our masks protect us if others aren’t wearing them. Part of me won’t be excited for the trip until we’re on the plane.

[selectivechaos]

for anticipatory anxiety

(anxiety before social events, first days, performances, public speaking, interviews etc.)

you may not feel safe, but you are.

you will not be the only anxious person in the room

you've survived so many First Days, Interviews, social Events etc before this; you can do it now.

i make a playlist can listen to before the event, and afterwards; usually the Before playlist is soothing or angry, and the After one is triumphant.

bring comfort items for before and after. also food! anxiety takes a lot lot of energy makes you hungry, and i always forget to bring food. water also can be calming, especially if you practice grounding with it.

can't remember where this is from but, feel the fear, hold its hand, and move past it. even though anxiety makes you feel unsafe, it is actually brain/body trying to make sure you safe.

🌹🌹

[serenityquest]

[nocturnalbookworm]

not okay today but that's okay, will journal to remember to talk about it with my therapist. that's life. it's ok.

[fanfixes]

Going down the Rabbit Hole & Why being a Fan Girl is sorta a Saving Grace

How it all began:

I’ve been on Tumblr for years. It started in high school, about 7 years ago and I’ve opened and deactivated multiple accounts across this period of time. There’s some sorta pattern that flows with my sudden resurgence each phase and a licensed therapist would declare it a coping mechanism - and I’d agree.

But it is what it is, isn’t it - an escape. If I could trace FURTHER back, to when I watched my first movie and “escaped” I probably understand why writing fan-fict, deconstructing characters, spending hours reading about other works of the same lengthened that space to ignore the outside world and its mischiefs.

And funnily enough, Tumblr has always provided this safe space. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook doesn’t cut it for me. The kind of security I receive from this platform is different - I feel heard yet not exposed and I can’t put my finger on it but its just... it’s special. 

It’s a place for creatives, the lonely girls, the hyperactive ones who need to let that energy out onto a page and interact with people who could appreciate their fanaticism. It’s a shared experience, yet also somewhat, incredibly personal.

Coming home:

About a year ago, I lost someone very important to me. This was during a time where there was already so much loss. Grief settled in the air and as I felt my consolations unworthy of attention seeing that everyone had someone they lost, I kept it in, “soldiered through”. My friends checked on me, and they created this list of stuff for me to watch BUT while I sifted through the recommendations, there was a sort of anticipatory anxiety attached to the idea of starting new shows / movies, so I didn’t.

My biggest mistake was pouring myself into my work which felt natural since most of my nights were spent finalising assignments and my days were spent answering my employers. That fragment of curiosity, imagination and fantasy that lived in me dwindle off and can I just say, it was probably one of the dullest times of my life. It was a disappointing time to be alive. 

Work was definitely an excuse, because the first time I tried relaxing, it was chaotic. And I felt awkward trying to be something I wasn’t and allowing myself to be someone I was. 

The Viscount who Loved Me:

It started with Bridgerton, and knowing a little about the show, as I mentioned before in my previous posts, I could somewhat tame that anxiety I had in starting anything new. And GOD did it pay off. 

I loved what they did with Bridgerton. I identified with Kate, I could understand Anthony’s loss and as a struggling artist myself, I got what Benedict was going through. I connected with the show in ways I didn’t think I could. 

There was so much character complexities to drown yourself into and as someone figuring herself out, being able to watch parts of yourself interact with parts of yourself started conversations I wouldn’t have had, if I didn’t first see it. 

That’s sorta how writing fan-fict came about. I couldn’t get Benedict out of my head, so I put him on paper. I devoured the Bridgerton series and well, tweaked the fict to fit my idea of what I’d love to see play out. 

CAST INTERVIEWS & Thank you Luke Thompson:

Cast interviews were somewhat instructive, not just about the characters they played or the dynamic but, being able to just tap into what made the characters their own felt therapeutic. 

Luke Thompson has this interview on the YouTube Channel “An Actor Despairs” and it is my favourite interview of the year. It was inspiring to hear him talk about his journey and that raw dedication to his work renewed my mind on what it was I wanted from my life. How I wanted to build it. How to allow myself to just go with the flow and live.

So it was clear that falling in love with a show came with the territory of falling in love with the actors, especially when they are so passionate about their work. 

That to me, is what differentiates their job from being just entertainment to becoming a vocation. 

You do learn a lot about life and personalities when you are working on these projects. Just diving into An Offer from a Gentlemen for the sake of the fict I wrote, brought me into seasons of understanding Benedict beyond what was written.

Coupled with my deeper dive of Luke Thompson’s process allowed me to get where he was coming from and provided a clearer vision on what Benedict meant to the Bridgerton storyline.

Robert Aramayo nerd-ing out:

Robert Aramayo, is the second actor this year who’s looped me into his vortex. He just fell in love with the legendarium (as he often says) and poured himself into becoming Young Elrond, so much so, that they now feel like two separate individuals. Rob Aramayo disappeared into the world Rings of Power created and as I go through Tolkien’s works now, I can understand why he was so engrossed with it in the first place.

Both these actors made me appreciate acting for more than just the shallow concept I used to have of it - reading lines and conveying those conversations in a convincing enough manner to not look fake. I didn’t appreciate the art enough to get it many years before, but now that I do, it’s such a beautiful form of expression and self-identification.

I can’t help but be engrossed in these new worlds, in my private space and love it for what it makes me feel. I am thankful for all the creations and different forms of entertainment they bring and the heartfelt discussions on the characters which remind us of some people we meet or are. Bridgerton and Rings of Power aren’t the only shows I’ve watched the whole year, I have to add - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING about this universe of ART, FANTASY & MOVIES/SERIALS are what make people feel alive, are what made me feel alive.

As John Keating said in Dead Poet’s Society:

“WE READ AND WRITE POETRY BECAUSE WE ARE MEMBERS OF THE HUMAN RACE. AND THE HUMAN RACE IS FILLED WITH PASSION. AND MEDICINE, LAW, BUSINESS, ENGINEERING, THESE ARE NOBLE PURSUITS AND NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN LIFE. BUT POETRY, BEAUTY, ROMANCE, LOVE, THESE ARE WHAT WE STAY ALIVE FOR.”

We dive into these worlds of imagination because of its relationship with our minds, these are what gives life a meaning. The mechanics of making money, succeeding in the financial and lucrative sense is monotonous and dry - there’s nothing much to it but stacks of papers and detachable figures. There is nothing more exciting than finding something to be excited about and as the days passed, I realised I wanted to be more in touched with a part of me that I felt needed to be suppressed after surpassing a certain age. That inner child shouldn’t have to vacate the premise simply because I’m 25. After all, I was probably the closest to being my truest self back then than I am today. And I wouldn’t have known it... if not for this saving grace.

[rosemarysealavender]

why do something fun if i can panic over nothing instead!

[thecpdiary]

Anticipatory Grief

Grieving when you haven’t lost someone is known as anticipatory grief. It was part of me growing up with something I didn't know I had until I was in my forties, finding out I had cerebral palsy, then finding out in my fifties I also had autism. Imagine growing up with all of that and not know you're dealing with it.

My life was never been centred around my disability and still isn't. Having to live a normal life, (or as normal as I could), I lived and continued to live a lie. Anticipatory grief followed me into my teenage years; it's still with me today.

How 'Anticipatory Grief' manifests

Anticipatory grief manifests itself in all sorts of situations; a major life change, something you deal with that you don't know about that you later come to learn about; a disability that changes the way you are able to live your life, the loss of a job; or losing a loved one.

Grief is how I would sum up how I felt.  The feelings were so intense, each day I continued to feel like I’d experienced a death. Just getting through each day was a challenge. Every day I was mindful of those intensities and still I carried the stress. Anticipatory grief is just as challenging and intense as losing a loved one.

Those feelings don't go away

With no explanations, clarifications, acceptance or closure, around what I later learned was a disability, those feelings never went away. Every day was an anticipatory grief day. And even though I know what I have and have worked things out for myself, I've never been able to talk about or have a discussion with my family about my disability.

Emotions around Anticipatory Grief

The emotions you get to deal with can include anger, fear, sadness and anxiety. As a child, I was angry, I carried fear and dealt with anxiety. From all that, I'm lucky I didn't have physical symptoms; symptoms which include fatigue, insomnia and changes to your appetite. It’s not always easy to know you’re dealing with anticipatory grief, but it is made all the more harder, because you’re expected to just get on and deal with daily life and responsibilities.

Anticipatory grief can be a profound and an ongoing challenge, affecting various aspects of your life and emotions. It can resurface unexpectedly and at any time. Being kind to yourself is important if you are grappling with anticipatory grief, or any form of loss.

It's something that you continually have to deal with

Anticipatory grief is something that you will continually have to deal with. Is it something you ever get over? With clarity and explanations you can find an acceptance, but otherwise I would say no. Even with a 13+ website behind me where I talk about my experiences, I still don't feel any better. However you get to deal with anticipatory grief, remember to practice self-care, get enough rest, eat well and engage in activities that bring comfort and relaxation to help you cope with how you feel.

There isn't always a definite end

It is important to acknowledge anticipatory grief and to know it’s a process that may not have a definitive end. That’s what makes it challenging. It can also resurface at any time and can continue to trigger intense emotions. That is certainly true for me. The disability triggered my emotions and the not knowing made my anxiety and stress worse.

My own advice: practice self-care, get enough rest, eat well and engage in activities that bring you hope, comfort and relaxation. If it’s not something you’re personally responsible for, it isn’t something you need to own.

Be kind to yourself is important if you’re grappling with anticipatory grief, or any form of loss.

For more inspirational, lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[sometimesieatexpiredcatfoof]

gggghhhh,,,. im so scared of tomorrow its hard to think about it without wanting to cry..,

[peace-and-light-poetry]

Pre-Emptive Mourning

Though, she prayed it was nerves She started to accept That her feeling of dread

Wasn’t just nerves

The fact that the rest of her friends are fine But this one’s hourglass seems to be less

No, Death was coming for someone Perhaps, sooner than anticipated

Maybe it is just nerves Unexpressed concerns sending her Through the Stages of Grief

(except minus “anger” and “bargaining”)

She couldn’t do anything No, such is existence

Someone’s passing Is something she’d accept

However, as much as she anticipated, It came with upset

Getting her feelings out now Before Death collects them

If anything, she wasn’t sure what was worse

The anticipatory grief Or the inevitability

[ask-me-about-therapy]

[selectivechaos]

anticipatory anxiety, and why people with sm can be talkative

long post⚠️

“we went skydiving and that anticipatory anxiety when i was sitting there in the plane with the door open at 15,000 feet with the wind blowing. that fear that i had was the exact same feeling i had when someone tried to get me to speak with them when i was in kindergarten and if you kind of think about it in that way it kind of makes sense, that a lot of these behaviours make sense, that when you see a kid with sm they look totally avoidant, totally scared out of their minds because they feel like they’re about to jump out of a plane from 15,000 feet. and going back to kindergarten we ended up seeing a few more doctors but each diagnosed me with something different - autism, generalised anxiety… because they didn’t really know what was happening either, their therapy wasn’t helpful and after a while with no real progress the school told my parents that there was really nothing more that they can do and that i would probably never get any better and i would have anxiety for the rest of my life, and they didn’t see me getting over that.

but i think the real reason a lot of these people have never understood it was because the kid that the school saw, the kid that even these doctors saw, was not the real me; it was just the kid that they saw in public. none of them saw the kid who was at home: i was talkative, i was friendly. even with family friends or some relatives, if it wasn’t crowded: i would be talkative and i think this is something very unique to sm, where somebody acts completely differently in one situation versus another.” source: ‘My Journey Through Silence: A Young Adult's Perspective on Selective Mutism’ by selective mutism association on youtube

this shows again why professionals in education and healthcare can’t fully understand sm. in a disorder so focused on the mute situations, they can’t see what we’re like in safe situations. im like a completely different person, like the people im mute around would not recognise me. a few years ago i had a friend who got shocked when i smiled, apparently she’d never seen it before. another time, someone i was semi-okay-semi-anxious around got shocked when i spoke because she didn’t think i could.

im working on being kind to myself when im in mute situations, so that i don’t consider myself any less of a person or any less valuable when im mute (bc that’s harmful ableist shit), but i do think that who i am when im not mute is so important to see, because it’s who i am when im not suffering and terrified, when im not lonely or anxious, and when my i can be sure my needs will be met, not only because i can ask for things then, but also because people treat me as human when im not mute and inhuman when i am (and that’s also ableist shit).

who i am when im not mute is the story of how i could and should be All the time. 🌹🌹

[a-guide-to-adulthood]

How To Punch Anticipation Anxiety In The Face

We've all had that feeling: the sick sensation in your stomach before taking a test. The tenseness in your heart before going to the dentist. The odd restlessness in your legs while waiting to hang out with a new group of friends. The feeling of anxiety over trying new, unfamiliar things, or as I like to call it: anticipation anxiety.

For me, it is an annoying feeling, one that prevents me from doing things. It leaves me with symptoms of anxiety and leaves me unable to be productive, especially if this event is coming later in the day. Having dealt with this occasional feelings for as long as I can remember, you may believe I have found adequate ways to cope. You would be right. Sort of.

Ways I Cope With Anticipation Anxiety:

Acceptance. Accepting that I am dealing with this anxiety prevents me from beating myself up over it. I used to get angry at myself for feeling the anxiety, and being unable to do anything during it. Now, I realize I cannot always control how I am feeling: I can only choose how I respond to it, and how I can make myself feel better. Acceptance is one of the greatest skills I have learned on my personal mental health journey, and has led me to a new sense of maturity.

Using my general anxiety coping techniques: physical grounding by chewing mints or sour candy, listening to music or ambience that calms me, deep breaths, immersing myself in a distraction(this Pac-Man Google Doodle saved me a few times).

Take note of what thoughts I am thinking, as well as the judgments I am making about the event. I keep thinking traps in mind; I take note that bad things are not guaranteed to happen, and if they do happen, I will find a way to cope.

Take note about the fun or positive things that will happen during this event, if there are any. This step may be easier for some events than others.

Most importantly, remember how you feel at the end of doing the thing you were worrying about.

As of writing this post, the most recent time I have felt this sort of anxiety was last Wednesday, moving into Thursday. I was waiting for when I would play Terraria with a new friend. The hours from when I woke to when we started to play were filled with anxiety about what might happen, how it might be, simply because it was a new event filled with uncertainty.

Once we finished our session, I thought back to the anxiety I was feeling in the moment. Then, I wrote down on a sticky note how I felt at the end of the session: enthusiastic, fulfilled, walking with a bounce in my step. This event, and many others, will serve as a reminder that when my anxiety and dread passes, it will feel like a huge relief.

[bathask]

大人の発達障害アスペルガー自閉スペクトラム症の精神科通院日の眼科受診で小さい頃ASDあるあるか常同行動や自己刺激行動で目を酷使の為,病院処方目薬5種。視界潤む目薬は感覚過負荷の感覚過敏発作の予期不安風で超厭気。感覚飽和のリミッターで視界見辛く輪郭の縞模様だけ視線捕え不安maxメルトダウン

[4letteraroace]

breathing through the anticipatory anxiety like

innnnn you’ve done this before outttttt it’s not as scary as you think it is

but o o o u g h scary very very scary

[carriejonesbooks]

Buying Beyoncé's Bidet and Is It Excitement or Is It Dread?

Those two topics aren’t necessarily connected. As a human being, I tend to get sort of an anticipatory anxiety before I do things—a lot. I think of it as stage fright. And it turns out that this anticipatory sort of anxiety can be a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder or a panic disorder. Recently, though, I started to think of it as maybe an adrenalin rush that comes from…

[grimeishhh]

Leviathan.

My wires must be crossed-

Seeing danger where there is none-

When my sister called for me

On that hot summer evening.

Said it was fine to jump in

That there was no monsterous shadow

Lying in wait…

Neath the calm crystal waters below.