#anyone want to explore their own abuse in a safe space

[conditioned-to-obey]

I know this may be a bit out of pocket, but I just wanted to say how much your stepdad post from June moved me. Thanks for posting it, it actually helped a little bit with something difficult I'm going through. Also I hope you dont mind the spam likes, I really like your blog ^.^;

You seem like one of the (sadly) rare doms that really understands the responsibility that comes with domination and the sacredness of submission, and I deeply respect that.

I appreciate the very kind message, doll. It was my intention to be soft in my response to that anon. It's wonderful to hear that it's helped anyone process, realize they are worth nonsexual care and love, or made anyone feel comforted.

I hold dominance and submission in very high regard on how important and special and healing it can be to someone. I have met plenty of Doms and subs who feel the same way, it's not a lost cause. Don't you worry. It can take a little digging to find whom reflects your same views and you resonate most with.

A pattern I have personally observed in those who resonate with me is avoiding Dom's who participate in misogyny and patriarchy kinks. As well as looking outside of trad, comphet, and monogamous boxes. It's a good practice to start looking is outside of these spaces. I have my own limits and therefore do not participate in any of those spaces. But just like anything that can be a detriment to your safety and well-being in kink:

If you're interested in it, find someone you're sure is not truly biggoted or abusive to explore it with after building trust and a repertoire with them.

There are hard kinks, and then there is those who use hard taboo kinks to get away with otherwise unacceptable behavior under the guise of kink. To me patriarchy and make centric kink perpetuates something that is already reality for women. I find it not sitting well with me when exposed to it without warning. Spicy misogyny just feels like normal misogyny to me. Especially with questionable inexperienced Tumblr "doms".

Stay safe out there.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Establishing Contact with Headmates

Hello everyone! Not sure if we’ve ever made a post like this before, but I wanted to put together a post with tips on establishing contact with alters for those who suspect they may be a system or have a complex dissociative disorder.

This is written with folks with DID in mind, but this advice may be useful for systems of any sort!

So you think you may be a system. You may have had one-off interactions with an alter, experienced auditory or visual “hallucinations” that manifest from inside, deal with unexplained time loss and memory gaps, lack a solid sense of self, feel disconnected from your body and reality, find yourself spacing out or daydreaming often, understand you have a significant trauma history (even if you can’t remember what the trauma was), or feel like you’re not alone in your own head. You’re not sure if you may be plural, and want to determine whether or not you’re alone in your own mind.

If any of this describes you, we have some advice that may help you learn more about your system and connect with your headmates. Here are some things you can try that may help.

1. Attempt to establish a connection internally.

Explore the possibility of not being the only presence inside your mind. In a calm, safe environment, reach out with messages inside, and see if you get anything in response. Ask internally things like “is there anyone else here?” “Am I alone inside my mind?” Provide reassurance that any potential alters are safe and that you can be trusted.

Accept the fact that you may not hear from anyone straight away. Alters may be scared to come forward or reveal themselves, you may have heavy dissociative barriers, or it may take time to build up trust. Make a habit of reaching out once or twice a day. Try not to be pushy, angry, or quick to become frustrated - if it gets overwhelming, take a step back to cool off. Understand that change does not happen overnight, and if you have alters, it will take some time to build a base of communication between each other.

2. Attempt to establish a connection externally.

In addition to reaching out in your mind, try writing notes to potential alters. This can be in a Google Doc, a journal, post-it notes, the notes app on your phone, or anywhere else. Encourage potential alters to write back, reminding them that they are safe, there’s no pressure to come forward quickly, and that you are trustworthy and capable of creating a comfortable environment for them.

Consider setting up a PluralKit or TupperBox on Discord. These programs allow you to set up multiple profiles that act as bots, allowing one account to share many profiles and post from each one separately. Set up a server for yourself, and post instructions in the server on how to create a PluralKit or TupperBox profile. That way, an alter who fronts later can make their own profile if they wish. This can allow you and your alters to communicate externally and learn more about each other.

3. Ask for help outside.

If you feel like you may be a system, it could be helpful to try broaching the subject with an individual you know well and trust. Be careful who you share this information with! Talking about the system with potential abusers or individuals who have harmed you in the past may cause internal strife and discourage headmates from wanting to get in touch with you.

Ask a friend or loved one if they’ve noticed you acting strange or differently in the past. Have they noticed you spacing out or dissociating, speaking in an unusual tone or accent, or acting in ways that are normally uncharacteristic for you? Can they shed light on your past and reveal aspects of yourself that you had forgotten or never known about? Being able to discuss this with someone else may help shake an alter loose, or could help make it clear whether or not you’re a system.

4. Seek therapy.

Better still than speaking to a friend or loved one is speaking to a therapist. Therapists are trained mental health professionals who are equipped with tools to help struggling individuals with a wide variety of mental illnesses. Even if you are functioning excellently and feel like you don’t suffer from any mental illness, if you’re wondering if you have headmates, it may be a good idea to try talking about it with a therapist.

Of course, a specialist in trauma and dissociation would be preferred (especially if you exhibit symptoms of dissociation or PTSD), but any therapist should be able to help you make sense of what’s going on in your mind.

If you have faced religious trauma in the past, please avoid seeking help from a faith-based therapist. If you have faced trauma from teachers, guidance counselors, or other school staff, please avoid seeking help from a school-based therapist. This is in order to keep your system safe, and to reassure your headmates that you do not wish to retraumatize them or put them in harm’s way.

Remember that therapists are humans without superpowers. They are capable of malpractice, misdiagnosis, and personal bias. If you do not mesh or click well with your therapist, it’s absolutely okay to leave them and find another one. Trust does not come immediately in therapy, and it may take some time working with a therapist before you feel comfortable enough to bring up the possibility of plurality. That’s perfectly normal and nothing to be concerned about! Take your time, be as open and honest as you can, and trust your instincts.

Hopefully these tips can help you reach out to potential alters, build trust and connection, and learn more about yourself in the process! If it turns out you’re not a system after all, that’s okay, and it means a lot that it’s an experience you’d be open to learning more about and exploring.

Remember to be PUNK to yourself and your potential system - show patience, understanding, neutrality, and kindness to yourself as you go through this process! Thanks so much for reading - we wish you all health and safety in your future and hope you have a lovely day!

[toomanyfandoms-notenoughfics]

Celestial Beings

Chapter Six: Mirror Mirror

Characters: Reader, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Molly Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, George Weasley, Fred Weasley, Hermione Granger

Summary: Dinner with the Weasleys and a bit of a tour of the house.

Word Count: 3,031

Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, mentions of murder

Reminders: @rainychaosmiracle

(Y/n) had been out of the cell for a little more than 4 hours, exploring every aspect of her new room. She hadn’t found any secret pathways, no hidden jinxes, it was all safe. Her own space with seemingly no strings attached. It was a new experience for her, not having to make her entire existence as minuscule as possible.

There was a knock at the door, making her jump and drop the book she had just picked up to read. The book landed directly on her toes, making her yelp in pain. There was a muffled voice on the other side of the door, sounding concerned.

“Come in!” (Y/n) sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing her foot. “I got startled and dropped a book on my foot, nothing major.”

“Uh, sorry I didn’t mean to spook you.” The lanky redheaded boy said. “Mom told me to get you for dinner, she’s making pot pies with mashed potatoes and garlic bread.”

“Oh, sure yeah I’ll be down in just a second.” she eyed the boy, watching as he avoided making eye contact with her. “Or are you supposed to escort me there?”

“I’m not sure, but I am already on thin ice with her so…” he said, hands in his pockets.

“Right, don’t want to get in any more trouble than you already are.” (Y/n) stood up, looking in the mirror of her dresser and fixing her hair. “Okay, let’s get this over with. Lead the way, little Weasley.”

“Ron. It’s Ron,” he muttered, walking just ahead of her. The closer they got to the dining room, the more pleasant the air smelt.

The dining room was brightly lit, with candles floating above the table gently. Food placed perfectly on the table, and everyone’s already sat down, chatting. The mood changes as soon as (y/n) walks in, with silence replacing the warm mood. Ron takes a seat next to Hermione, whispering something in her ear.

“I saved you a spot over here, (y/n).” Sirius patted the chair next to his own, smiling at her. “It also just so happens to be directly in front of the potatoes, which Molly says are extra delicious tonight.”

“Kids, introduce yourselves,” Molly instructed as (y/n) sat down, keeping her eyes averted.

“I’m Fred,” one of the two twin boys said, offering her a small smile.

“And I’m George,” the other said, elbowing his brother.

“I’ve met Ron, Ginny, and Hermione already.” (Y/n) reminded everyone. The children all looked at each other nervously. “Alright, can we clear the air in here? I can tell that none of you children really want me here, or trust my being here. So go ahead, let it out, it’s fine.”

“(Y/n) I don’t think-” Molly started, only for Hermione to interrupt.

“Are you actually his daughter?” the muggle-born blurted out, looking directly at her plate.

“Yes.” (Y/n) answered. “Anyone else?”

“Do you have the mark?” George asked.

“No, I’ve never had to get it. The marks are just ways to keep track of his followers, I have his blood.” (Y/n) shrugged, putting a heaping amount of potatoes on her own plate. “No need for it when you can just do a simple scrying spell.”

“How many people have you killed?” Ron inquired. Everyone looked at him wide-eyed. Everyone except (y/n), who didn’t even flinch.

“Depends,” she smirked to herself. “Do you count Death Eaters as people?”

“You’ve killed Death Eaters? Why?” Fred leaned forward, intrigued.

“Only one, it wasn’t entirely in my control. I don’t remember it, I’ve just been told that my mother never survived giving birth to me.” (Y/n) picked up a pot pie and placed it atop her potatoes. “On that note though, I would like to eat now instead of answering questions, if that’s alright with all of you?”

“Yes, let’s eat.” Remus claps his hands together, sharing a worried look with Sirius.

The rest of dinner was filled with idle chit-chat between the kids, a few conversations growing louder than the others. (Y/n) just focused on eating as much as she possibly could while she could. By the end of dinner, she was stuffed full, having eaten three pot pies, four massive helpings of potatoes, and two pieces of garlic bread. When Molly brought out the chocolate cake (y/n) nearly fainted.

“Molly, I mean this honestly, stop being such a good cook,” she said finishing her second slice of cake. “It’s unfair to everyone else. Not only to other cooks but also to those of us eating it.”

“Oh, you’re just saying that!” Molly blushed.

“I agree, Molly. You’re one of the best masters of the kitchen I’ve ever met.” Remus wipes chocolate from the side of his face. “(Y/n), I don’t mean to embarrass you but you’ve got frosting on your chin.”

“Yeah, I’ll get it in a second. I’m stuffed.” she leaned back in her chair, a smile on her face. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this full. It’s fantastic!”

“What, did the Malfoy’s not feed you?” Ron asked.

“No, they did, I was just kept on a very strict diet. Except for a couple of times when Lucius was teaching me how to survive in the forest with nothing.” Everyone looked at her confused. (Y/n) rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’m going to say this once, and only once. Don’t feel bad or whatever about how I grew up. Life is unfair, get over it.”

“Kids, how about you all go to the parlor room?” Molly suggested, gathering up their empty plates. “I think Remus and Sirius want to have some quality time with our guest.”

The children all quietly left, mumbling quick “goodbyes” and “good nights” to the adults as they left. Molly went to the kitchen, taking all of the empty plates and dirtied cups with her. Remus got up and shut the door to the hallway while Sirius closed the one to the kitchen.

“Did I do something wrong?” (Y/n) looked at the men nervously.

“What? No, you aren’t in trouble, (y/n).” Remus chuckles, taking his seat. “We just wanted to see how you were liking your new room, besides you still need a tour.”

“Want anything to drink?” Sirius asked, pouring himself a glass of wine.

“I’m fine, thanks.” she shakes her head. Sirius shrugs and sits down, taking a drink of his wine. “It’s a nice room. I’m still not completely used to it, it’s only been a few hours after all.”

“Are the decorations to your liking?” Sirius inquired.

“Yeah, they’re great… I’m sorry I feel like I did something wrong still.” (Y/n)‘s eyes darted between the men.

“I’m being honest, you’re not in any trouble,” Remus reassured her, offering a comforting smile. “Now, while Sirius finishes his drink, would you like me to give you a tour?”

“Uh, sure.” (Y/n) stands up and follows Remus to the hallway. He passes the stairs and turns down another hallway.

“This is the way to the first-floor bathroom, two of the guest rooms, and the laundry room,” Remus explains. “Now if we go back this way,” he leads her to the hallway in front of the stairs connecting to the dining room. “I’m sure you can tell that that’s the front door.”

“Well the extreme barrier spell in front of it might be a bit of a clue,” she says sarcastically. “You know, that or the coat hangers and shoes next to the door might also give it away.”

“Right, well to the left of the front door is the living room, then you’ve got the music room, the parlor room, and your first restricted room.” Remus points at each doorway. “There’s also a cleaning closet right under the stairs I forgot to mention.”

“Do I get to know what the “restricted room” actually is, or do I get to put it together myself?” she asks

“It’s an old room that’s falling apart, to be honest.” he sighs. “It was stuffed full of old furniture and tools.”

“So it’s just a mess? Lame, I was hoping you were doing some cool experiments.” (Y/n) looked genuinely disappointed. Remus chuckled and headed up the stairs, (y/n) following behind him quickly. She tripped on the top step, reaching for the railing on the wall to catch herself she instead pulled a curtain off of a portrait.

“YOU FILTHY HALF-BREED! YOU BLOOD TRAITORS!” the woman in the painting started screaming at the top of her lungs. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! OUT ALL OF YOU!”

“Fucking hell, shut up, Mother!” Sirius shouted, running up the stairs and quickly covering her with the curtain once more. “For Merlin’s sake, she never changes.”

“That was your…” the young woman trailed off, confused. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, wake her?”

“It’s not your fault, (Y/n).” Remus helps her up, gently dusting off her shoulders. “You didn’t trip on purpose, and you also didn’t know about her portrait. We keep her covered, otherwise, she just yells.”

“I think I’m going to go to bed early tonight. Suddenly sleep sounds very pleasant.” Sirius flashes a quick smile and pushes past the two others. “Goodnight to the both of you. (Y/n) if you need anything later, feel free to knock.”

“On that lovely note, let’s continue.” Remus turns and begins walking. (Y/n) stays frozen in place, her eyes flicking from the portrait to Sirius’s door as he disappears. “(Y/n)? Are you coming?”

“Do I sound like that?” she asked quietly, not looking at him. “Do I sound that, that cruel?”

“What?” Remus was taken aback. “(Y/n), Sirius’s mother and you are nothing alike. Not really, sure you’ve said a few similar things, but that’s as far as that goes. She was cold, all the way through. Nothing Sirius ever did could please her, not that she ever really wanted to be pleased. She refused to listen to anything other than her own twisted opinions.

“You’ve met Bellatrix before I imagine? She was a lot like her, angry at the world and in love with destroying anything she couldn’t have. She was a follower of your father, a devout one too. Pulled Sirius’s brother into it too.” Remus paused. “Don’t tell him I told you anything about his brother though. It’s a touchy subject.”

“I still don’t see how I’m any different.” she frowned.

“(Y/n), you’re standing in front of me, a werewolf, and having an actual conversation. You’re changing, whether you mean to or not, it is happening.” Remus places a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “You’ve had these ideologies forced down your throat, literally branded into your brain since you were an infant. Of course, you’ve said and probably done a lot of horrible things, but you’re not entirely at fault. You’re learning still.”

“I guess.” she sighs. “Let’s just continue the tour.”

“Well, let’s finish this floor for the night, and then you can go to bed. There’s a room that Sirius wanted to show you with me.” Remus continues, showing her the bathrooms, the other bedrooms, and the small dusty library that needed a lot of TLC.

Remus ended his small tour by walking (y/n) to her room door, bidding her goodnight and good dreams before going into his own bedroom. She was just about to enter her room when she heard someone whispering down the hall. She poked her head out but saw no one in the vicinity. Very carefully and quietly she tip-toed closer to where she believed the voice had come from. A floorboard creaked just outside of Sirius’s room, making her freeze in place, patiently listening for footsteps.

After what seemed like forever, (y/n) decided it was safe enough to continue. The whispering seemed to get slightly louder the closer she got to the darkest part of the hall. She passed by a few sleeping portraits, being as careful as possible not to disturb them. Her only source of light anymore was the faint glow from the hallway behind her and the barrier spells pulsating as she got closer to where she probably wasn’t supposed to venture. Suddenly instead of the reds through the greens of the barrier, she saw something surrounded by an electric purple, bright enough to make her squint.

Carefully, she reached forwards, lightly brushing the top of the strangely colored object. As soon as her fingers touched the cold metal she knew what it was; a hand-held mirror. Grasping the handle she turned it around so she could see her reflection, trying to make out what was being said. It wasn’t until she brought it up closer to her face that she noticed it wasn’t her in the reflection.

(Y/n)‘s blood ran cold, her breathing paused, and her face paled. It was her father in the mirror, looking directly at her, a smile on his face that didn’t meet his eyes whatsoever. She dropped the mirror like it was a hot iron, making a loud thud on the ground. She jumped backward hard enough to knock the lighting fixture off the wall. Sirius’s door swung open at the end of the hall.

“(Y/n)?” he called out, just barely seeing her at the end of the darkened hall. He quickly made his way to her. The closer he got the more he could see she was shaking. “(Y/n), what’s going on? (Y/n)?”

“I-I heard… I thought that-that it was just something old. I didn’t, I didn’t think he could do that.” she pointed at the mirror. “He was just, smiling at me.”

“You don’t mean… (y/n) please tell me you’re not talking about You-Know-Who.” Sirius reached for the mirror but she kicked it farther away.

“Don’t. I don’t know what he would do if he saw…you.” (Y/n) warned, doing her best to keep breathing. “I can, I can get rid of it. Maybe he doesn’t know, right? Maybe he thinks that I have a mirror in my… my cell?”

“(Y/n) look at me, please.” Sirius pleaded. “Please, tell me it wasn’t him.”

“I-I wish I could, I really, really wish I could.” she started sobbing uncontrollably. Sirius wrapped his arms around her, trying his best to comfort her. “He always knows, always!”

“Come on, let’s go somewhere else for a bit, okay?” Sirius helped her up, heading to his room. “Here, I’m going to go and get Moo-Remus real quick, you go in my room and make yourself comfortable okay?”

(Y/n) nodded, opening his door and entering the room. It wasn’t quite what she expected. It was messy, yes however it was more clutter than trash. Like he had too much stuff and not enough space. His bed was unmade, a pile of blankets on the floor next to it. There was a small desk with a lamp in one corner, papers and letters stacked on top. She sat on the old fraying chair next to the bed, grabbing a knitted blanket and wrapping it around herself.

She could hear Remus and Sirius talking outside the door. They were worried about what Voldemort possibly knew, what plans he might’ve heard, and how long he could’ve been listening for. They also were talking about (y/n), nothing she could quite make out, only catching a few words here or there. She tightened the blanket around her, bringing her knees to her chest. They walked in, Sirius hushing the other.

“(Y/n), are you okay?” Remus asked, his hands fidgeting.

“You think I knew, don’t you?” she accused. “You think I had something to do with… I just heard whispering and went towards it. If I knew what that was, I wouldn’t have even touched it.”

“Hey, no one is accusing you of anything,” Sirius said softly, stepping in front of Remus. “We’re worried about you, that’s all.”

“(Y/n), I didn’t hear any whispering when I left you at your room,” Remus told her, watching her eyes tear up slightly.

“I heard it, I swear!” she pleaded. “It sounded like someone calling for me at first, over and over. The closer I got to… to the mirror it got louder, but I couldn’t understand it.”

“Remus now isn’t the time for this,” Sirius warned. Remus nodded in agreement.

“Of course, you’re right Pads.” Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry (y/n), it’s just a lot to take in.”

“It’s fine.” she lied, plastering a fake smile on her face, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “I’m fine, I think I just need some sleep.”

“(Y/n), it’s okay if you don’t want to be by yourself tonight,” Sirius tells her, confused by her sudden change in demeanor. She had gone from a sobbing mess to calm and collected in a matter of moments. “One of us can stay in your room with you if you want, or you can stay in here. Your choice completely.”

“No, I’m just being over dramatic again. I’ll be fine, truly.” she placed the blanket back on the pile, heading to the door. “I’ll just head to bed though, sleep it off.”

“Overreacting?” Remus quirked his eyebrow, looking confused at Sirius.

“Yeah, it happens sometimes.” she takes a deep breath, avoiding their eye contact. “Good night you two. Sorry to have bothered your rest.”

As quickly as everything happened she pretended it didn’t. She left both the men confused in that room as she went into her own, ignoring the sound of whispers further down the hall. She closed the door silently and immediately fell to the ground, doing her best to keep her composure. She forced herself onto her feet and flopped down on the bed, utterly exhausted from the day.

As tired as she was she couldn’t sleep, only seeing her father’s face smiling at her in the mirror whenever she closed her eyes. His teeth bared, almost laughing at her. It was almost enough to drive her mad. She curled up in a blanket, deciding to do her best to keep her eyes open.

~~{𝘌𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘚𝘪𝘹}~~

[physalian]

Fanfic Appreciation Post 2: Dead Doves and "Problematic" Content

Part 1

I recently had a wonderful discussion defending triggering fanfics and dead doves and the like for being more than just squicky and problematic and I thought I’d share my take on them. I don’t write these fics, mind you, but this might be something to consider on why authors write them beyond “this author is problematic and is into some problematic shit”. I do not write it, and this is speculation, but I do include themes of abuse in a lot of my writing and am extrapolating from there.

TL;DR: What's triggering to one might be cathartic for another as fanfic exists as a controlled environment to exercise trauma or explore intrusive thoughts virtually anonymously and without risk or consequence when therapy might be too expensive, not available, or out of their reach, and to find like-minded readers and authors who let each other know that they're not alone. Making smut of "problematic" situations can be a power fantasy, giving some survivors agency they did not have, and sometimes it might not be related to the situation on the page at all, that's just the 'mask' they write through.

—

Fanfic is an outlet and accessible platform for therapeutic writing, as it has no paywall and can be engaged with anonymously. Authors can exercise their demons and their traumas in the safe space of fanfic with no risk or consequences, where therapy might be too expensive or inaccessible (like if they’re underage and parents won’t take them) or they just don't want to 'bother' the people in their lives with it. Not a substitute for therapy and professional help, of course, but better than nothing.

For readers, fanfic is an accessible platform not behind the paywall of published books, far easier to navigate when looking for something incredibly specific. They aren’t just looking for a fantasy novel, for example, they’re looking to explore a specific scenario and can probably find it within 10 mins or less of searching their favorite fandoms, as opposed to the ocean of original novels out there that, by their nature, can’t tag and spoil all that they contain.

Triggering fanfic might be squicky and “problematic” to some, but for others it’s a controlled setting to either explore intrusive thoughts with a victimless crime* (for lack of a better term) or a way to take power back by living vicariously through heroes who overcome scenarios they can’t or couldn’t in their own lives. It’s also a way to work through issues and put into words what authors are going through that they couldn’t otherwise, and find support in readers and other authors who write similar fics.

Or, people just think it's kinky and fun and once again, fanfic is a victimless recreational activity and I'm not here to kinkshame anyone. Bash it all day in your head, but they didn't write it and shove it in your face, so don't shove your unsolicted opinions in theirs.

Some fic writers use fic to dissociate—putting their favorite characters through horrible scenarios because they’re characters, and this is a stage. Or, they’re writing through layers and treating the situation metaphorically because writing a 1:1 breakdown of what actually happened is too much. E.g. writing dubcon/noncon between gay characters as a female author because it’s a ‘mask’ where writing noncon with a female character is just too raw. I know this because I do this. I have a pattern character type that shows up in my books—male character who suffers abuse by a woman in power. I’m not a man. This character lets me safely explore what I’m actually writing about (while also calling attention to this happening in the real world)—aces abused by heterosexuals, as both groups are “supposed to like it”.

It’s a way for some to relive and overcome a situation without the discomfort, thereby healing themselves in the process. X happened to Them, in this fic, not me, so to speak. So maybe think twice before judging the kinky stuff too harshly?

Whatever the fic may be, from E-rated dead doves or fluffy little gen fics, the fact remains: Don’t like, don’t read. Keep on scrolling. The odds of somebody who enjoys writing or reading something like, I don’t know, underage smut applying that to real people in real life is low. These are fictional characters, oftentimes either animated or in literature. I don’t write it, but I don’t think for a second those who do are up to something sketchy. I see the tags and I move on.

The only fanfic hill I will die on is works, especially smut fics, of celebrities and real people because they just want to be famous for their art and not what you do in the dark, but hey. Don’t like? Don’t read. Bygones.

[rivetgoth]

I honestly think as someone who goes out clubbing (or to an adjacent nightlife social event) like 1-3x a week on average, and especially as like, a kinda faggy short guy tbqh, I would say genuinely one of thee biggest like, skills to learn is how to both be appropriately discerning and able to read people's vibes quickly to stay safe but also not close your heart completely to new people and give the appropriate benefit of the doubt as well?

I think I'm a particularly picky person when it comes to meeting new people tbh, I will pretty quickly decide someone is not trustworthy over what may appear to be minor missteps but it is because it's not a risk I'm willing to take. especially after the aforementioned years in the nightlife mentioned above. But I also really try to leave room for understanding that we're all awkward and weird and many of us in the scene are autistic and/or otherwise neurodivergent or struggling with social skills and we're in a community literally made by and for weirdos where drugs and alcohol are often involved; nobody is perfect, so it's learning to have an open heart and not have preconceived biases or make assumptions about people but also like, being willing to shut down shit that turns you off fast.

Like not to pat myself on the back but I'm gonna be honest, I have had soooooo many cases where I met someone, got a Weird Vibe, which sounds shallow but I don't mean "ooh they act kinda funny" I mean "huh that person showed subtle signs of not respecting boundaries like touching strangers without consent even if in a trivial/harmless way" or "that person made some off-color jokes or comments that while not in and of themselves entirely unforgivable could way too easily speak to a deeper more insidious world view," decided to politely distance myself and not pursue forging a relationship with them beyond casual acquaintance at best, and then was given confirmation later on that they were a genuinely physically dangerous person with a history of abuse or violence.

Like, the reality is there are a lot of predators in the nightlife. As much as it's this wonderful fantastic weird alternate reality where you can be your authentic self and explore these facets to your character you would not be able to in the daylight, play with fantasy and identity and have the freedom to play and express yourself in these wild ways, it's also a cover for genuinely dangerous people who are detached from all social dogma and feel that they can justify their behavior in these more lawless environments where stuff like kink and more "edgy" behavior is seen as more socially acceptable. For all of the absolutely amazing people I've met, literally pretty much all of my closest friends and relationships have formed from the underground / alternative nightlife scene, there are also pretty frequent allegations and scandals. It's the unfortunate reality, and while the very best events and promoters cultivate safe spaces to the best of their abilities, you can't keep 100% of them out.

I feel lucky in a weird way that I've developed what I think are pretty decent self preservation skills via being a weird fucking kid my entire life who has cultivated the vast vast vast majority of my relationships with other weird people (affectionate). I have so much love in my heart for genuine eccentrics and I think it is SO IMPORTANT to work actively to unlearn biases about what a Trustworthy or Untrustworthy person might look like or act like when they are not fucking hurting anyone, but I also don't give the time of day to people who make me uncomfortable. Basically I think learning what your own boundaries are, learning to communicate them, and learning to shut down those who invade them is just like, a genuinely necessary skill for being out in the nightlife. You need to know what you want and what you are and are not okay with. You need to learn pattern recognition—did this person stumble over their words once and say something that came out wrong, or does this person have a habit of making inappropriate remarks? Is this person exhibiting behavior that other people who have been dangerous or predatory have exhibited in the past? Can you make a reasonable link between that behavior, and the more predatory, overtly dangerous behavior?

[real-total-drama-takes]

I have a dumb question?

Why everyone mad at the smut?

But those say I would never draw questionable outfits to many said characters, but it's not smut they will say.

When I go on AO3 I was 12ish mostly was more not kid friendly or teen friendly, I guess.

My solution is baby gate:

We kick out all the kids and teens out. Call their parents, snitch on them for looking up smut, block their access to internet, and never let them grow up ever. In fact, we should ban total drama for the new generations because it's too grown up for them in general (I am joking... this a joke)

See that's not nice or solving anything.

Or other solutions we ban anyone from the fandom we just don't even dox them to point the take their own life (I am not serious about this too)

So either you think teenagers should never see anything related to smut to sexual to inherently grown in general.

So, do we raise children who are not our own and band together to ban them off Tumblr and the total drama fandom as a whole to save "purity" and protect the children in general?

Because most of you sound like the church.

I want safer ways of teenagers to grown up in general, do want teens reading smut or watching porn.... NO. I rather they not but I can't raise or control these teenagers.

BUT... I don't want them to end up like me.

I was sexual assaulted growing up a lot sometimes reading a safe smut scene between who teens that loved each other at that time made me understand what happened to me was wrong. I don't want to realize years later they were groomed, abuse, and used like sex thing because instead of exploring it out in a fictional space of writing then doing it in reality.

So maybe we should write more with tag only for adults, toxic relationship included, main characters aren't good people here.

Sex is not everything.

Love is not everything.

A lot of things aren't everything for many.

You sound like bitter old people, and I am higher than Jesus for not liking smut or ever writing smut.

People exist even if we don't want them too.

Smut and porn been here longer than this fandom as a whole.

We can do something about it but with understanding, respect, and without judgement as growing adults and adults in this fandom.

Also, you can mute writers, block, and call people out ONLY WHEN NEEDED TO!!!

Point in case this more complicated than it seems.

Courtney to Leshawna to Katie to Alejandro to Lindsay to Heather are often in sexualization, stereotyped, and fucked in manner that I don't like at times.

Like if you go I am writing this for letting you know from my own personal experience that I been sexualized or harassed as a child to teen as black teen like Leshawna or in case of Alejandro stereotype... I wrote this story to release my pain, confusion, fear, and the placed burdens of others off me for now in my story of fanfic.

You go WELL I DIDN'T LIKE IT AND THAT NEVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE....

Your ignorance is a privilege I wish I can say I crave as a child to teen. Unlucky for me I had to go through awful shit then if it's in my stories then why are you still here if your judgement is I don't belong to you- you who is high and mighty so damn powerful- even skilled writer at that.

You complain but not create.

You don't like what you see or read then create better and make it a safer place for others like you.

Shame is badge of honor at one's home were parents don't believe you growing up.

Some others are here to escape, some for joy and community, some for since 2007 times them growing up with this fandom but now we divide ourselves like we aren't in a fandom called total drama.

We need to address the fact that no wants to hurt child, we don't want any child to teens scarred or burden at a young age, but to not realize they themselves are people makes me feel like maybe we should do something in were maybe whole 2 weeks just teen/child friendly context for the new generation joining the fandom.

From an abused child to teen that had no sex education until 16 years old due to the lgbt+ club in my high school forced in my system after saving me from getting sexually harassed by an 18-year-old boy that I thought was being just nice to me. Now a growing young adult in therapy who can't live with themselves and what happened to me.

It's just cartoons and fandom to some of you.

Some people find families to love to reasons to live in brain rot of total drama.

I really like sillies here and the stories some you of you put on AO3. We can't always control what we like or dislike...

Some writer age them to 33s to 40s

But I will say I don't like 12 to 30 ship or rareships that only smut. That's problem I don't want to open up on

I don't like self inserts or OC dating Duncan and being friends with Gwen but hate on Courtney 24/7 or something similar to that only because that's my own opinion to deal with, but I am not like oh I would never... I am like could never and mention each time without doing something about it.

You know how I deal with it? Mute.

Even Block as last option.

So the point is we can do better as a fandom, yes! And no!

No because you guys keep fighting with yourselves more than anyone else I have ever seen.

I don't write smut, but I make drawing of the said characters in very tiny to sexual context, yet I am not like those awful smut writers!

Dude... you are at the level of the smut writers too. Bestie the glass house of the fandom is in shambles from the hot air and rocks we keep throwing and missing at each other!

So maybe tag as only mature and not for teens.

UH>>>>>>> there must be more I left out too.

I am fanfic writer, and I want to leave because I think I am more harm than good now with some of your talks what should not be in this fandom or what should.

I regret to inform you that I wish to cancel my mind and never wrote if it meant you guys were going treat me like I am in church again and I am their hopeful for belonging but instead everyone wants me to never be me or even be there because I am not like you.

I don't know how to please you when I am trying to just exist and write stupid cartoons kiss, be parents, and be mature.

Instead I guess I can only write 55 million words of 33 million stories of them never growing up, no kissing, no friendship, no affection, just drama and competition in general to please thy holey moley of the fandom.

Also we should write more asexual or queer relationship in a health manner.

AND STOP BEING RACIST TO LESHAWNA--- WHY YOU ARE LETTING HAROLD AHHHHHHH AHAHAHHFH DO THAT TO LESHAWNA

I am emotionally not okay, and I didn't know where I can say this. But the point is I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FANDOM DO YOU WANT FANS WHO FEEL SAFE, HAPPY, AND CREATE FOR THE FANDOM OR SHAME ALL THAT AREN'T LIKE YOU OUT HERE.

LOOK THERE'S SHIT WE NEED CALL OUT AND NO ALLOW BUT ARE WE MORAL POLICE

DO THE HEAVENS SAY TOTAL DRAMA FANDOMS MUST NEVER WANT SEX OR GROWN UP?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT YOU GUYS ARE FIGHT?

ARE YOU FIGHTING?

FIGHTING FOR WHAT?

FIGHTING EACH OTHER OR SAFER PLACE FOR ALL?

SOME US NEED JOBS AND BASIC NEED MET BUT WE GO HERE HAVE FUN THEN SEE THIS AND I AM LIKE WTF IS HAPPENING?!

ARE WE FIGHTING? WHY?

I need someone else to explain to me like I am 3 years old. To do less harm in general and understand wtf going on

[magdalene-the-lesbian]

Hi y’all!

This is a side blog I created to talk about my faith journey as a liberal lesbian Christian living in America. It’s definitely a leap from the content on my main blog (which is mostly my hyper-fixations) but I still wanted to give it space.

This blog isn’t going to have all of the answers (if any at all) but I wanted to create a place for myself where I felt comfortable exploring the intersectionality of my identity as a person and to allow others to do that with me (if they’d like). Sometimes being queer and religious is very isolating and I want to give us a place to feel less alone.

In order to make this place safe, I want to create ground rules:

1. Don’t be a bigot - I will not tolerate racist/ableist/homophobic/transphobic/xenophobic/antisemitic/Islamophobic comments on my page. Jesus wouldn’t like it and neither do I (whether I was a Christian or not I wouldn’t stand for it but I digress)

2. Be kind - Please don’t argue. Polite and respectful conversations about disagreements are fine, but don’t go doxxing or bullying someone (If someone is breaking rule one, link them to places to learn why their behavior is harmful/wrong and block them or something of that sort. Rule 1 is so deeply important and I refuse to be a refuge for bigots/religious zealots)

3. Be open minded and willing to learn - I am biased as a future English teacher for slipping this in here, but it needs to be a constant state of mind on this page (excluding being open minded to accepting the ideas from Rule 1). We can all learn from one another because everyone is going to have a different experience. It will help people to connect better as a community

4. Don’t shit on people who have left the church - I do not begrudge anyone who has left Christianity of their own free will. It’s none of anyone’s business why someone left and a lot of the time people leave because many so-called churches cultivate very toxic/abusive environments within their walls

DNI List:

- misogynists

- misandrists

- trans exclusionary radical feminists (terfs)

- racists

- any sort of religious zealot or bigoted person

- MAPs (minor attracted people)

Personal Intro:

- 19

- Cis Woman (she/her/hers)

- Midwest America

- Lesbian

- Liberal (borderline socialist)

- Currently a non-denominational deconstructed Christian

- Raised midwestern suburban Baptist

- In my undergrad for English on the Secondary Ed track (I will be a high school English teacher one day) and my minor is in Gender and Women’s Studies

[localdryadfaggot]

Hi! I've been wanting to get snails as pets for a while now and I was wondering if you have any tips for people just starting? I think your snails are adorable and I love the way you describe them 💜🐌

First of all, thank you so much! 💖 I’m going to put this post below a break for everyone’s sanity since it is quite long :) it will include different sellers information, general information on both aquatic and land snails (more so land snails since those are the ones I’m personally familiar with), terrarium information, snail care & diet, and links to external sources I found helpful!

Hope this helps and I’m so excited that you are interested in joining the snail brigade!!

I’m sorry in advance for anyone who accidentally clicks more 🐌🐌🐌🐌🐌

Okay so, aquatic snails

I’ll start out with the basics of actually acquiring the snails! Most snails you are going to find are going to be aquatic snails. They are amazing at cleaning up extra food, eating excess algae, and just overall keeping the tank clean! For aquatic snails, I can’t give you overly too much information as I don’t care for them myself, however they do make amazing pets and there are loooooaaaddsss of resources out there for you!

I highly recommend looking into any local aquatic store if aquatic snails interest you as big corporations such as Pet Smart or PetValu (or whatever the US equivalent is) often abuse their animals, have unsafe working conditions for (often underage) employees, and in general create a very unsafe environment overall.

By supporting local stores, you not only put your money directly back into your local economy (Yipee) but also are being given advice directly by someone who is likely an industry expert, rather than a teenage making 15$ an hour.

If you are unable to find any local stores, there are many reputable stores online that will ship directly to your home. Personally I’m in Canada so the websites I use may be different to yours if you are in a different country but there are many Reddit threads willing to help.

Alright, back to land snails

So I’m a florist and the snails I own come in through our floral shipment rather than being bought, but I looked around and found a few reputable snail sellers for you. I’ll link them at the bottom of the post.

Ground snails typically live between 2-3 years on average. Most snail seller (or snellers hehe) will raise them for a year before sale in order to make sure they are healthy and strong enough for shipment.

There are a pretty large variety of snail types available by online snellers so I linked a resource below that gives specifics on the different species and care guides for each specific type. Depending on type, prices can range from 10$ to upwards of 75$, though a decent chunk will have to go towards shipping and handling fees. Be prepared as well for possible customs fees as snails are live creatures. Just budget an extra 50$ if possible just to be safe.

I recommend starting with a smaller snail such as the Milk snail or the Garden snail as they are most commonly sold and overall have the most information available on the internet. They also have a slightly more varied diet overall which can be helpful when first starting out.

Terrarium Info (Jazz hands)

When choosing a terrarium, it’s important to remember that this will not just be a temporary holding area for your snails, it will be their HOME. Would you be interested in a home that’s cramped, stuffy, and with not a lot of places to explore? Probably not lol. Snails are fairly active creatures and giving them a good amount of space is important for their health and happiness.

Personally, I use a glass reptile terrarium for my snails which I believe is 10 gallons. I have 6 snails (five adult and one baby) so I opted for a slightly larger tank. If you only plan to have 1-2 snails, a five gallon should work well!

Make sure you get one with an enclosed lid or your snails WILL escape. And that wouldn’t be fun for anyone.

For inside the tank, there are a few things you’ll need. For the bottom I use a combination of sphagnum moss and coconut husk both rehydrated. This gives a soft moist base that allows the snails to dig around, fall off the walls without cracking their shell, and provides external moisture which is important for the snails as that is how they live.

Typically I change this out once a month. Just remember, you want it to be moist, not soggy. You shouldn’t be able to ring it out with your hands and have a bunch of water come out. Aim for how your hair feels after you towel it down after the shower. If you ring you hair out after towelling, a few drops may come out but it won’t be a stream of water.

I buy my moss in dried packs then rehydrate them in a bowl of water. You can find these at pretty much any pet store or dedicated house plant store. (NOTE: NOT a local florist. The moss at a florist is slightly different and often contains pesticides that wouldn’t be good for your snail.) always aim to shop local. Many of the sellers I listed below also sell limited amounts of moss.

I mix in coconut husk as it provides a bit of extra fluff and my snails enjoy monching in it when I’m late to feeding them :)

I would also recommend getting a small feeding tray so that your snails food doesn’t get spread out across the tank and so that when bits of the produce go bad, it doesn’t spoil within the tank and make it smelly. It is optional though if you are using a smaller tank.

Snails as well LOVE to climb around so I recommend getting them a branch of driftwood to place vertically within the tank just to give them that extra place to climb on :)

Lastly, give them a place to hide under. For me, that’s the little bridge in their terrarium. In nature, snails hide underneath objects to avoid predators, lay eggs, and sleep. Giving them that space is important to recreating their natural habitat!

If you are able, avoid anything with sharp edges such as plastic plants, as they can cut the snails body. Also avoid hard stones if you can as your snails could drop from the terrarium ceiling and crack their shell.

Circling back to the moss bedding, (and I’ll go over this is more detail in a later section) but snails typically burrow down into the moss in order to lay their eggs. Because of this, it is important to give them a thick enough layer that they can burrow, but not so thick that you won’t be able to spot the eggs.

I recommend as well getting a smaller plastic terrarium for travel, or if you need someone to watch over your snails etc etc. just add a small layer of moss from your main tank to keep the bacterial balance in check and you’re good to go 👍

Monch Monch, food time

Snails can eat most produce. I personally find with my snails that they love lettuce, carrots, celery, and bok choy the most. Though every snail is different and has a different appetite, it’s important to refresh their food once every day or two. If you wouldn’t eat the produce, you shouldn’t be feeding it to your snails.

Produce MUST be uncooked and unseasoned. Salt is deadly to snails and frozen veggies are typically pre-cooked so unfortunately unavailable. Onions and any other types of alliums are also not safe for most snails (or really like any pet for the most part lol).

It’s important as well that your snails have a source of calcium in their tank. I personally use cuttlefish bone which comes in a solidified powder. There is plenty of debate among the snail community on how the cuttlefish bone should be administered. Personally, I leave small (very small) chunks around the tank, and occasionally sprinkle some as a powder over their food and around their tank. This seems to keep them happy and healthy.

Other snailers argue that you should not put any near their food as it can cause the snails to OD on calcium. I’ve heard of people every couple weeks mixing it with a bit of water until is becomes a thick paste and leaving it in their tank for them to consume that way, but I don’t really see how that would prevent them from ODing compared to the other methods…

There is also snail food available which comes in a powder and when mixed with water into a thick paste acts as food for the snails but lack some of the key nutrients they get from fresh produce. It is great however if you are travelling and require something compact and temporary.

I personally stay away from anything too citrusy as I’m not 100% sure how they’d respond to it.

Day to day care

Day to day care is relatively easy. Personally I most their tank twice a day with a spray bottle and also have a humidifier that I occasionally run (it’s kinda bulky and takes up a lot of their tank so I don’t use it often). Keeping the tank moist but not soggy is important to maintaining your snails health. You’d be surprised how quickly a tank can dry out. Keep them away from windows as direct sunlight speeds up the drying process and can also burn your snails when the sun shines through the glass.

Switch out any old food after a day of two and replace. You don’t want their food bowl to be empty as snails run on a different internal clock than you or I so they may eat during the night when you aren’t looking.

Eggs, eggs, eggs!!!

The hardest part of being a snail owner is absolutely dealing with their eggs. Snails are androgynous creatures. They can switch their sexual organs at their convenience or even have both at the same time. There is no real way to tell them apart as their sexual organs are mostly internal. What this means for us is that they can fertilize and lay their own eggs asexually. They do also mate with other snails (more info below) but they aren’t required to.

When healthy, snails will lay eggs in clusters 1-2 times a month. They lay eggs in clusters that look like white pearls by burrowing in the moss or on the underside of surfaces (another part to why having hidey spots is so important to recreating their natural habitat).

Since snails are also simply built different, they can store fertilized eggs within their bodies so even if they haven’t mated with themselves or other snails, they still have the possibility of laying eggs.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CULL THESE EGGS. You may think that not all will survive, or that you can leave them for a day or two but you honestly can never know how long the eggs have been there. On average, snail eggs take between 10-25 days to hatch. If you do not cull these eggs, you will be overrun by baby snails.

It. Will. Not. Be. Cute.

So, how do we cull eggs then? The most ethical, cost efficient and easiest way is the freezer method. Gently scoop up the egg clutch (they will usually separate in your hand, you aren’t doing anything wrong) and place into a ziplock bag. Remove that section of moss into a separate bowl and look through to see if you missed any. Then look under any surfaces and the edges of your tanks lid to see if you missed any. If you find any already hatched babies, you can also put them in the ziplock bag.

Then, place the bag into the freezer and allow to fully freeze for at least 12-24 hours. Once frozen, the eggs and any escapees will be put to sleep and be incapable of feeling any pain. At this point, you can roll a rolling pin over the bag to crush the eggs and any baby snails. They will not feel anything and it is the most ethical option for snail culling.

I know it may be tempting to just throw the eggs away but there are several reasons to avoid this. For starters, there is a chance that when you come across the eggs, they may be at the end of their gestational period and right about to hatch. I can assure you, you don’t want to have dozens of baby snails hatching in your trash can.

Say they make it to the landfill, they are then sentenced to a life of being stuck in a hot garbage bag filled with rotting food until they die. If they do escape, they are now an invasive species doing likely detrimental damage to local ecosystems. Same goes for flushing them down the toilet.

Freezing them is the most ethical for both the snails and the environment. If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, DO NOT GET PET SNAILS.

Just needed to emphasize that so you don’t get overrun by snails or introduce an invasive species to your surrounding area.

Other stuff!

If you snails shell cracks, don’t panic! As much as we love to take as best care of our snails as possible, they can be kinda dumb and sometimes they can take a tumble that cracks their shell. This doesn’t mean that they are dead though!

Though they can typically survive on their own, to help the healing process along, provide extra calcium, and shield the injured spot, you can take the thin membrane of an eggshell and apply it over the injured area. When it dries it will act as a bandage and some of the nutrients will be absorbed into the shell, making it stronger. You may want to consider placing your snail into a separate container if you have other snails as snails enjoy climbing over each other.

Snails can also hibernate for upwards of a week without movement or feeding. During this, it’s best to just leave them alone. They will often hide underneath a surface or attach themselves to the terrarium wall and simply vibe for a while. Why do they do this? Idfk I just live here.

To find out if your snail is alive, you can lift the shell and look inside. A living snail will have a little bit of body showing. If you can’t see this, wait a while before throwing your snail away as they may just be acting moody. You can typically tell if your snail is dead by the weight of their shell, bleaching and other discolouration of the shell, and hollow appearance if you shine a flashlight on the shell itself.

If you want, you can choose to crush up a dead snails shell to provide extra calcium for your still live snails. I don’t do that though because I feel bad but you do you boo 💖

Snail mating looks kinda freaky af. They will look like they are fully eating each other but I can assure you they are just boning. Do not try and remove the snails from each other if they are in the mating process and it could result in injury or death to the snails. They latch on pretty tight. Typically the snail will lay eggs 4-6 days after mating but they can store eggs for a pretty long while if they feel like it.

Thesis, body, conclusion

So yeah! Those are the main aspects of snail care!! If you have any other questions or concerns feel free to ask me!

I know the about of info I gave may seem kinda overwhelming but snails are truly such a great starter pet and pretty low maintenance once you know what to look out for! They just require consistent care and love on a daily basis and the occasional snail-bortion 💖 I love my snails and I’m sure you will as well!

Links!

These are some helpful resources but be sure to do your own research into local snellers and varieties before making any decisions! 💖

Snail types

Snellers

https://landsnails.org/en

Terrarium sellers

https://www.abcplants.com/the-plants-store?page=2

(There are plenty more terrariums on Amazon and I’m sure available locally, I just linked a few small businesses)

[starglaee]

Cobra Kai and Cold Hearted (my fanfic on Wattpad) characters and plotlines as folklore songs. Cold Hearted spoilers below. Feel free to add your own thoughts and opinions!

Tag list: @secretsandwritings-blog

-

the 1

Cobra Kai: Lawrusso. Easily. Every time I listen to this song I can’t help thinking of them: “ And if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you. In my defense, I have none for never leaving well enough alone. But it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one.”

Cold Hearted: Elion and how I feel from writing them: “I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different would everything be different today?”

-

cardigan

Cold Hearted: No matter what happens, Robby is there for Zion. They know each other, they trust each other, and confide in each other. This is especially true post season 3. There’s no other couple in the show or my book that really fits this song like them: “When you are young they assume you know nothing. But I knew you.”

-

the last great american dynasty

Cobra Kai: Tbh this song gives me Sensei Kim Da-Eun vibes. While I’m still waiting to see what they do in season 6 with her character, I think she fits the depiction of a badass woman coming to town and turning it upside down: “There goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen. I had a marvelous time ruining everything.”

-

exile

CH: This is the title of my playlist for Elion (Eli and Zion). The angst fits them so perfectly. Also, the mentions of violence and clear jealousy illustrates these two in season 2 and 3 in a way no other song I’ve found can. Taylor’s writing makes me so happy, and Bon Iver’s voice makes it that much more heartbreaking: “I can see you standing, honey, like he’s just your understudy. Like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me.”

-

my tears ricochet

CK: This very much applies to Johnny and Kreese. Kreese made Cobra Kai a safe space for Johnny in his childhood only to abuse him and shut him out. Johnny grew but brought back Cobra Kai then Kreese tries to join again. Once he did, he stole it from Johnny. I have too many quotes for this one so here’s a few: “And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name wishing I stayed…” and “And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home.”

CH: Zion and Terry and Kreese are exemplified beautifully in this song, too. Like Johnny, they used her for their own gain while mentally abusing her in the process: “And you’re the hero flying around saving face.” and “‘Cause when I’d fight you used to tell me I was brave.

-

mirrorball

CK: Samantha LaRusso is a mirrorball. In season 1, she did anything to fit in and be popular like endure what Yasmine and Moon said to her and her former friends and classmates. In season 2, we get a glimpse of her changing herself to be with Robby and try to push Miguel and her feelings - both anger and love - away. In season 3, she’s masking her PTSD. In season 4, she does all she can to be the Bonsai Badass for her dad and the Miyagi legacy. In season 5, she finally breaks down for Miguel and says she can’t do karate anymore until she really knows who she is and overcomes all the mental obstacles still waiting for her. She also lets Daniel and Chozen in over the course of the show, letting the mirrorball crack more and more. (I love the exploration of her PTSD, if you can’t tell): “The masquerade revelers drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten.”

-

seven

CH: Tbh I think this only fits Jess and Zion since we don’t know a lot about anyone’s childhood except Anthony and Johnny, but they don’t have any friends that would fit this song. Jess knows from an early age that Zion’s mom is bad, though they can’t put their finger on it. It’s such a sweet and haunting song about childhood that only they can really express: “Your dad is always mad and that must be why. And I think you should come live with me and we can be pirates then you won’t have to cry.”

-

august

CK: This is an accurate song for SamRobby. The summer romance, the angst with the Miguel of it all, and the whispers of hiding it from Sam’s parents: “‘Cause you were never mine.”

CH: This song heavily inspired the prequel chapters with Zobby (Zion and Robby): “August slipped away into a moment in time.”

-

this is me trying

CK: Johnny’s relationship with Robby is beautifully detailed in this song. It’s about overcoming alcohol and peaking too soon. Johnny won 2 AVTs in high school before losing to LaRusso. After that, he let it and his trust issues overtake him and thus drive Robby out of his life. When he finally gets his act together, it’s for Miguel. But he keeps trying for Robby at the end of season 4 when he tells Robby they’ll save Kenny together (though I still wish Johnny would prioritize Robby over Miguel more and actually help him rather than depend on Robby helping him but that’s another rant): “At least I’m trying.”

CH: This is also about Zion in season 5 to everyone she loves while she does all she can to recover from the addiction: “Pouring my heart out to a stranger, but I didn’t pour the whiskey. I just wanted you to know that this is me trying.”

-

illicit affairs

CK: Samiguel, duh. It’s not as beautiful of a story as Taylor describes because it’s just them kissing at a party while actively having their respective partners: “It’s born from just one single glance, but it dies and it dies and it dies a million little times.”

-

invisible string

CK: This may be a weird take in a non-romantic way, but the invisible string is for Julie Pierce and Daniel. The string is actually Mr. Miyagi. But regardless I think this is a cute way to think about it, like karate has bonded them even if they don’t know it yet. (This is also my official prayer and plea and whatever that Hilary Swank will be in season 6. I guess we’ll see): “Isn’t it just so pretty to think that all along there was some invisible string tying you to me.”

-

mad woman

CK: aka Tory. The woman is always mad as hell (/lh). She’s always called crazy and manipulated by some old Cobra Kai war veteran. Just give her a break, man: “Every time you call me crazy I get more crazy.”

CH: Yeah, it’s the same with Zion tbh. But I also pose the idea of it being Zion’s pov on the Demetri rivalry. He calls her crazy, initially had Yasmine on his side, and she reacts the only way she knows: “What did you think I’d say to that? Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike to kill, and you know I will.”

-

epiphany

CK: Is it weird to give this song to Silver? (I guess it also applies to Kreese.) He’s a war veteran with very obvious and untreated PTSD that he uses to mold an ideal version of the world for himself where Cobra Kai rules and he doesn’t have to answer for his heinous and violent actions. He also hid away from the karate world after the AVT in ‘85 with his money, business, and rich friends, which was where we found him at the beginning of season 4. He even repressed those memories until Kreese brought them out, thus also bringing out the monster: “Just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you’ve seen.”

-

betty

CK: This song is a poor apology, kind of like what Miguel gave to Tory. It reminds me of that scene in season 3 when Miguel is at Tory’s work accidentally and they talk and she calls him out on just wanting Sam back (despite that being her initial suggestion for the relationship anyway (also another topic for another time)): “I thought of you all summer long.”

-

peace

CK: Daniel’s song for Amanda. She’s such a catch, amazing wife, fabulous mother, and whatever. But Daniel can’t stop the karate villains from his past from emerging or from engaging with them. He may never “give her peace,” but he tries to be upfront about it. In season 5 she really snapped when rival after rival showed up and how Terry manipulated and divided them, but after he got hurt and she talked to Jessica it seemed better. And at the end of season 5 she gets it. So I feel like this song was a conversation at some point offscreen, and it helped their marriage significantly: “I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best, but the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me.”

CH: Zion to Robby. Rumor after rumor, fight after fight, manipulation after manipulation, and breakup after breakup. He’s still there for her. Like Daniel, she’s desperate to get her partner to know that she does all she can for him despite the drama the real world brings in. She acknowledges her trauma, and Robby acknowledges his. Because of this it’s a bit healthier than the song depicts where Taylor’s lover is on a pedestal in comparison to her. Let’s just say Robby lets her bejeweled (iykyk): “All these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret.”

-

hoax

CK: I kind of feel like this is Robby’s song for his mom. He loves her and is so protective of her, but she keeps choosing alcohol (and drugs?) and men over him. Even though she makes him sad, she’s the person he goes to after kicking Miguel. Even though she’s not the best mom, she’s all he has. He let her do whatever just to keep his mom around: “Don’t want to know other shade of blue but you. No other sadness in the world would do.”

-

the lakes

CK: This one is for Miguel. He suffered in silence during season 4, doing what Johnny asked and supporting him when he was the one who needed that. He wanted to run away to Mexico because he felt he didn’t belong in karate anymore (and because of his dad but for these purposes it’s just because of karate): “What should be over burrowed under my skin in heart-stopping waves of hurt.”

CH: This one is also for Zion, the girl who always fantasizes about running away and finding a better reality than the Valley, especially with Robby: “I don’t belong, and my beloved neither do you.”

-

Fun fact: my Zobby playlist is called My Beloved. I’ll share the songs if you’re interested. It’s a long list, though.

Let me know your thoughts on this if you have any! Please remember this is just my take on things.

It’s fun to do these, so feel free to request more things. I’m most familiar with Taylor’s music, but I’m open to listening to new music or doing non-Taylor related content.

[sociallyanxiouscryptid-writings]

Old Friend

This is based in a world of one of the OC world’s that I want to turn into a bigger project but am using these snippets to further explore and expand the world. There is a little bit of context missing for the over all world here but trying to add it just made things too clunky but if you are interested I am more then happy to talk about my OC stuff. 

Summery: Hero finds a villain safe house and didn’t expect to find anything there. But they did, and they may regret it. 

CW: Guns, fighting, mourning, grief, talk of death, abuse, neglect, beatings, abandonment, being used, let me know if I missed anything. 

~

Hero would recognise their face anywhere, even after so long, even with age, Hero knew them. They could do nothing but stare, grief and guilt and confusion fighting for space inside of them. Their eyes watered, their stomach ached and Hero just stared

“Well, this is an inconvenience,” Villain sighed.

Hero’s mouth opened but their tongue didn’t work. The pair of them stood in the backyard of a house, some safehouse or other that Villain had been using. Hero had found the tip off but hadn’t expected anyone to be there, let alone them. Villain stood in the doorway of the house, a white light shining behind them, a yellow light shining down from the veranda making Hero feel dizzy.

“Childhood friend?” Hero found their tongue.

“It’s Villain now,” Villain said, “Childhood Friend died a long time ago.”

“You died,” Hero said. The grief and confusion gave rise, mixing with a twisted joy that wanted to pull Villain in and hug them tight. But Hero’s head swam, how were they alive? Why were they alive? And why were they here?

“I pretended to, yes,” Villain said curtly, “its easy when everyone already wants you dead.”

It took a moment to process that. To fit that into the alignment of memories, the funeral, the fire. And all this time they were still alive?

“But why? Why fake your own death?” Why leave me, they wanted to say. Didn’t.

“Why?” Villains brows shot up, “are you serious? Why? How about all the abuse, the neglect, the amount of times I was almost beat to death and the carers couldn’t care less. I was better off out on the streets then in that orphanage. If I hadn’t the tutors would have killed for sure, one more outburst and I was done for. Not that you ever believed that.”

“But why didn’t you tell me? We could have run away together.”

Villain snorted, it was the most heart-breaking sound in the world.

“Right because I was going to bring you with me after the way you reacted, not to mention if I took the golden child, they would have never stopped looking for us.”

Hero’s fist clenched, their jaw, everything tensed.

“I thought you cared about me, I thought we were friends,” Hero said.

“So did I, but you abandoned me first.”

“You murdered a tutor,” they yelled, “if I had any hope of getting into the gifted program I couldn’t take your side.”

Villain shook there head, “yeah because a program is more important then your friend.”

Yes, Hero wanted to say. They had, had plans, a way for them both to escape, but Villain went and messed that up. Because of Villain, Hero had to lie, had to pretend not to care.

“I’m glad to see it was at least worth it though, you seem very happy with your new life.”

Villain reached into their jacket. “Happy I get to be the one to end it,” they pulled out a gun.

Hero jerked back, held out their hands.

“What the fuck? You’re going to kill me?”

Villain shrugged, “you know who I am, I can’t very well let that get out now can I?”

Hero’s heart pounded in their chest. They wanted to scream and shout and punch through a wall, but their body froze.

“I thought you were dead,” Hero said, tear slipping from their eye. “I mourned for you, I held a funeral for you.”

Villain hesitated.

“I know, I saw.”

A burning rage rushed through Hero and they darted forward, snatching the gun from Villain’s hands. The pair fell into a wrestle, each fighting for the gun, grabbing each other’s hands and limbs, trying to pull them away.

The gun clattered away and Villain lunged for it, but Hero grabbed them by the waist and dragged them back, clambering over them, only to be brought down as well. Villain got on top, tried wrapping their hands around Hero’s throat but Hero grabbed their wrists, yanked them to the side and rolled over.

“I fought for you,” Hero yelled. “I risked my life for you.”

Villain ended up on top again.

“And yet you still betrayed me,” Villain snarled, punching Hero.

The punch hit them in the eye, knocked their head to the side but regardless Hero raised their hips, knocked Villain off.

“You betrayed me,” Hero snarled back.

Villain made a break for the gun, but Hero tackled them like a football player on a field.

“You abandoned me and left me alone with them.”

“You sided with them,” Villain said.

Hero sat on top of Villain, trapping their arms against their chest.

“You murdered someone, what was I supposed to say? That it was ok?”

Villain wormed underneath them.

“Yes, because they deserved it.”

“You murdered someone Villain, I couldn’t condone that, don’t. You can’t blame me for that, you had to face the consequences of your actions,” Hero said.

“I was a child!” Villain screamed.

Hero stopped, the pair of them panting, tears now streaming down Villain’s face.

“I was a child, and I didn’t deserve to be in that place,” Villain got their arms free and pushed Hero off. Hero let them. “If I hadn’t killed them that day, they would have killed me.”

Hero stared.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” their voice came out smaller then expected, further away.

“I tried to,” Villain said, “but the moment you heard about the murder… the look in your eyes, I knew that was it. You were gone and I could no longer rely on you.”

Hero’s jaw tightened again.

“Villain I was trying to get us both out of there. With the gifted program you get resources you don’t get anywhere else. It was our only option. Do you think it was easy for me there? That just because I made them like me means they treated me any better? That place was built by monsters and run by them. If you had just played along long enough, none of this would have happened.”

“Played a long!?” Villain gaped, “did you miss the part about them trying to kill me?”

Hero opened their mouth, closed it.  

“You say all this,” Villain said, rising, “that you wanted to be free, and yet here you are, still working for them.”

Hero hesitated.

“What else was I going to do. The only person I cared about abandoned me, left me. I had no one else.”

Villain glared, “that’s just an excuse. The moment you were old enough you could have run and you didn’t because you liked getting their hand outs.”

“I-”

“Are you going to call me a liar? Say that I am wrong?”

No, Hero couldn’t, because they were right, they could have run away. But where? If they played along, let them use Hero’s power then at least they had somewhere to stay, food on the table, even money to buy themself things. With them they had the closest thing to comfort and security they could, and all they had to do was help prosecute the very people they were raised with. People like Villain.

“You destroy lives for your own selfish greed, for your own comfort.” Villain laughed bitterly, “you’re even made at me because I had no choice but to defend myself, to run away to save my own life. If you were a true friend, you would have listened to me, understood. You are nothing but selfish and I am ashamed to have ever called you a friend.”

Hero hadn’t realised it but Villain had picked up their gun again.

“Hope you enjoyed this little reunion,” Villain said.

~

Hope you enjoyed!

[jemandrr]

accidentally browsing a (very niche) female-dominated gaming space and seeing people TEAR into people who want an option to change the player character's pronouns to he/him or they/them without changing anything else because it'd invite men to invade a safe space. For a game purely about dating men. Like, I've been through plenty of female-dominated spaces where queer people and similar-interest straight men are welcome (in this case it'd be bi men but yknow), so it's just this one community, but jeez. The amount of fear that anyone who isn't explicitly a femme female would come in and A. hit on the faceless women there or B. taint the game by making the devs add designs of men who they don't want to date?

I got such a strong terf-y rhetoric from that community, like we can't have anything in common with people who aren't like us going on. All about taking 'our' things. And a lot of people contradicting one other but not trying to find out what the truth is because they have the same conclusion. Like two people saying A>B or B>A and no argument arises and no one shows interest in which is true because both people conclude C.

A lot of people even saying that, likewise, things that appeal to female or queer audiences should NOT be added to mainstream media just like queer content should not be added to female-oriented media. These hard walls around what belongs to who is like...they were raised by toy companies or something.

Like what is (paraphrasing so it isnt searchble) "I would never come into a male dominated community because I feel like I would be invading their safe space, so I don't get why men would want to come here and talk about liking men." At least the people who are scared of sexual abuse are warranted, I've seen tons of abusive language towards people they think are women in male dominated online spaces, but what is this fear of even...sharing interests with men? I know we've been in a new era of gender role enforcement with the tradfem movement, but jeez. And as for these last two points, they both are ones that were contradicted. People also said they do believe in diversity BUT just *this* shouldn't count.

Some people even said it's not fair that they get pushed to be more inclusive when mainstream media never does. Which makes me wonder if they're so deep in their niche 'I only experience content made by and for exclusively straight women' content that they haven't noticed any of the movements in media going on over the last 1.5 decades. Like it's true that we haven't made that much progress, but how do they think that no media gets pressed to increase diversity? The more rigid/right-leaning male audiences of tons of media have been complaining about forced diversity for years in exactly the same way (and sometimes, when it really WAS forced diversity, everyone complains because it's not representing anyone really but yknow). But I guess they wouldn't know that if all of them avoid mainstream media?

Also...what is the fear that gay men like men in a 'wrong' way...(and again, the unargued contradiction being plenty of people saying that they also like media about gay characters, but just they shouldn't make these characters gay)

And like I do get it, in the sense that being marginalized makes you skeptical and fearful of things you don't understand in its own separate way from how being in a privileged class makes you skeptical and fearful of things you don't understand. There's a lot more fear of exploring things different and new because the possible retribution feels/has been higher.

Honestly, this post isn't actually about a couple hundred to low-thousand women in a small community for niche games. Not like, I think it's important, I want to actively make them change. It's not that big a deal, not that surprising in the grand scheme. It's similar rhetoric to things i've seen before (Tradfem/terf). I've seen screenshots of, like, facebook mom groups before. And I've seen way bigger communities be way more open and welcoming, it's just a little outlier.

I'm just writing this because I'm a bit shellshocked because I forget how much that those kinds of people are not just the older, tech-illiterate generations, and not just shallow influencers who will say anything for the clicks (or because someone behind the scenes is funding it), their views behind the camera up in the air. Like I think I cultivate the people I interact with a bit too well. Too many of the people I actually interact with or witness the thoughts of regularly are queer and have flitting relationships with gender and then I remember the other side of the coin has people who think they're being progressive by suggesting that everyone who is different be segregated and therefore safe from each other with no room for intersectionality.

[unlikely-bloom]

Honestly the constant discourse about Kyman, as someone who ships it, is kinda making me want to distance myself from what used to be my OTP. People speaking ill of Kyman shippers is working on me and starting to make me worry that I'm doing something wrong by shipping it. I shouldn't care about what ppl on the internet think and I usually don't but constantly being told that I'm "supporting" something thats "abusive" or problematic is getting to me. Like dammit, I didn't even know about the discourse when I got into Kyman; I got into it by watching the show itself and it was my first SP ship but honestly if I knew that people gave a shit about it in the SP fandom I probably wouldn't have bothered. It'll always have a place in my heart but I'm getting tired of this shit 😔 Im extra emotional rn so Im not being rational here and you dont have to publish this. I know fandom shouldn't have that affect on me I'll get over it after Style vs. Kyman fight 2192943290 blows over. Idk if you're comfortable with vents sorry if I crossed a boundary here.

Oh, anon. It never used to be like this.

Fandom discourse these days is insane. Unhinged, even. The idea that anyone is more morally correct than someone else for what they ship and enjoy in fiction is absolutely ludicrous. Especially within the context of shipping fucking South Park characters.

The hard truth is that every fandom is like this now. You don't have shipping wars just arguing over what makes more sense 'in canon', but moving on to an ever-changing line of what is and isn't 'morally acceptable.' As if that's ever something the majority of people would ever agree on. (Hint: it's not!)

But there is a certain irony to see people arguing this for South Park of all things, as if we aren't all equally degenerate for enjoying such a 'problematic' show in the first place. Like... seriously. Be so serious, people. It's South Park. Everything is exaggerated for comedic effect-- including character's personalities, their actions and their relationships to one another. It's never going to be a character driven show no matter how much this fandom sometimes wishes it was. We're going to have characters who don't give a fuck about each other, literally wishing death or plotting to kill each other in one episode and then they're just going to be chilling playing video games in the next episode like nothing happened. It's episodic. That's part of the appeal. It's why it's such a sandbox.

Even if you didn't ship Kyman, their dynamic is impossible to ignore, try as some might. They say they hate each other, yet they keep hanging out. Both parties are there of their own volition. They both enjoy each other's company, and no amount of write-up's anyone can post on tumblr dot com is going to change that canon fact. They're friends.

Also-- they are just plain fun to watch, fucking hilarious and a huge appeal of the show! If someone else who watches the show doesn't like them, that's their problem. Them not liking an aspect of the show isn't going to make that part of the show any less valid and/or canon. And guess what? You're supposed to like their dynamic. It's supposed to be entertaining and captivating. How you interpret it is up to you, but there is 100% nothing wrong with watching an episode of South Park and enjoying Eric and Kyle's dynamic-- that is what you're supposed to do. So don't feel bad about it. The show is made for people to enjoy, after all. Also, it's important to keep in mind that just because you can find a dynamic appealing doesn't mean you endorse everything about it. That's such a wild and new-age fandom take. Fiction is an escape-- a safe space to explore unrealistic relationships and unrealistic characters. You're allowed to like fucked up things in fiction. You're allowed to like stuff in fiction you'd find repulsive or abhorrent in real life.

I think I can speak for a good chunk of the fandom when I say, I'd fucking hate Eric Cartman in real life. Hell, I'd probably hate Kyle, too. I have a lot of favourite characters from different fandoms I'd probably hate in real life. They're fun because they're fictional and it's different from real life. If I wanted to read about stuff that happens in real life, I wouldn't be here.

In the end, anon, fandom is supposed to be fun. To me it's just fun to take these silly little egg construction paper kids, draw 'em as anime characters, and give 'em some angst. It's fun! There's so much to do with them! They're soooo dynamic!

But if you're not having fun-- if you're stressing-- there's nothing wrong with taking a step back for your own mental well-being. I'm not about to tell you your feelings are invalid, because I know how any internet discourse, no matter how trivial or silly it may seem, can still stress you out. If you're constantly being told you're morally corrupt or problematic, it can take a toll on you-- even if you know you're not. The truth is you're never going to agree with everyone on the internet, and people will weaponize something as trivial as a South Park ship to make them feel better about their ship while also making you feel worse about your ship.

Anyways, when it comes to stepping back, I think there's a few ways you could go about this;

You could disengage with the social part of the fandom-- focus on the show itself, maybe just hunker down with some fanfics.

If you'd like to remain active on social medias, I think it wouldn't hurt to start blocking liberally. Anyone who has anything along the lines of 'Kymans DNI' in their profile, just block right away. You don't want to see their opinion, anyways. You're never going to convince them otherwise.

If you have a few close friends, I recommend sticking close in a small private discord server where you can discuss your headcanons and gossip in private. It's much more liberating than trying to get involved in any of the insane discourse that plagues both here and Twitter.

Anyways, anon, do what's right for you. Kyman shippers will always be here to welcome you back! They can say what they want-- we have too much canon fodder for us to ever go away!!

[hexonthepeach]

Taking a break from spending my Saturday writing and editing to say that some of the comments/commentary I've been receiving on agtbtb are broaching a personal boundary I feel I should be more clearly stated so as to not cause confusion. I don't think this has been done intentionally or with ill will so I want to address it from the lens of my personal feelings on the issue and allow those who feel differently to decide whether or not they would like to continue engaging with my work.

This is not the initiation of a conversation, this is me stating my boundaries to my readers before enforcing them as needed. My apologies if this is long, but there's a lot to unpack here.

tw: potentially triggering commentary under the cut re: SA and CPTSD

First, I don't think it's necessary to qualify my writing or my choices in how things are written with regards to my own trauma or identity. I would urge anyone who thinks this is necessary for authors to consider that many people do not have the ability to speak to it, and I say this as someone who physically and emotionally is still shaken by it (like full body tremors and feeling sick just having to write this) even if I decided a long time ago that I felt it necessary to share my experience as part of my own process of healing. Which is not something that I believe will ever be complete, by the way.

I have been writing and reading darkfic (dubcon/noncon) for as long as I have been an adult. I have also been a survivor of violent SA and DA for much longer. The two are not interchangeable in any way so much as to say that a lot of people who have experienced violence find comfort in writing/reading about it. I believe that fiction is a realm where individuals can explore things, including their own complicated experiences, without repercussions. It is a literal safe space to work through one's personal feelings in the face of a world that is incredibly skewed towards unjust exploitation. Just adding also: I do not believe there are moral ramifications to engaging with or producing work that is transgressive, it is only right to be cognizant and respectful of your audience, especially wrt proper tagging etiquette and keeping things accessible only with consent.

But I also think an audience should be respectful of creators, especially when this work is offered for free at great personal effort and care on their part. I welcome commentary and engagement, am desperate for it even considering the ratio of time spent making it to how little response some things get (all while knowing that engagement isn't easy and I could do more of it myself).

So as someone who knows intimately the conversations that happen internal and external in the wake of abuse and assault, I would ask you to not say stuff like "x deserves/deserved it" or other victim-blaming statements in relation to any of the characters I write experiencing sexual trauma or its repercussions.

In the context of agtbtb I bookended one assault with another on multiple experiences from the victimizer's POV not as a form of narrative punishment but as an attempt to demonstrate how fragile the boundaries of control/consent are in a world deliberately designed to enforce a hierarchy of domination and sexual violence. Omegaverse as a genre has this coded into it, it's why it's incredibly rewarding to deconstruct it and play with and I am hopeful that those who have been enjoying my take on it continue to do so. If not, I absolutely respect that and ask that you refrain from criticizing my interpretation unless I have made a clear misstep in tagging or am offensive, esp. re: inclusivity.

On a final note, I have also been through several fandom experiences where I have seen an unconscious bias towards judging the actions/motivations/interests of women, female or fem-coded characters outsized to those of men/male/masc. It's just gonna happen, especially when said male characters are idols who are being interpreted through ones own personal attachments vs. a self-insert proxy. I knew what I was wading into by making y/n a female aggressor in this story but I hope I have also made it incredibly clear that the circumstances of this person's life and relationships with others are formed on a foundation that is broken. I didn't write 100k reiterating the experience of enduring medical trauma and forced submission, dehumanization and imprisonment, suicidal ideation and hopelessness for a frankly normal response to their trauma to be read as "this person is being treated too kindly". I find that deeply unjust. The false ideal of the "perfect victim" has been used to subjugate women and to minimize their trauma, it is reactionary and patriarchal and if you have adopted that mentality I ask you to examine why. On the other side of that coin is how they recover or address that trauma, it is always personal and does not minimize the original harm.

I write flawed people and complex consequences, because I recognize that systems of abuse/oppression often lead to our own complicity in them or re-enacting that violence on others. The answer to breaking that cycle isn't retributive justice, ever. It's restorative. Of all the things I write related to self-insert fantasy that's the one that feels the most impossible for the world to accept so I understand if it's a hard pill to swallow for some, but I'll stand by it.

No one is exempt from this and my treatment of one character within the context of their relationships and their history is not a diminishment of anothers. As stated in another ask, this story is ongoing and I am doing my best to tell it the way I feel flows naturally from an unnatural premise.

Thanks for your patience as I tell it, and for your sensitivity to my perspective and boundaries with regard to its subject matter.

all my love

- ash

[vaugarde]

👻💥🌙🔪🔥 💖 for valerie!!

WAHHHH TY HON

👻 GHOST - do they believe in ghosts? what are their "ghostly experiences", if any?

Oh she totally does believe in them. She thinks ghosts roam the world after death or so and she doesn't think they're harmful because "they probably cant touch anything". She mostly just feels bad for them. She's never had any "ghostly experiences" though

(I know you know this but as a refresher, there are literal ghosts that are wandering spirits and then ghost pokemon like Haunter. Some ghost pokemon are spirits that persisted so strongly after death that they reincarnated into ghost pokemon, like Bates and Spectra and Hisuian Zorua. so arguably most people know that literal ghosts are real because of this? but its rare to actually see it happen and the majority of ghost pokemon hatch from eggs, so the line is kinda blurry.)

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

Anger 100%. Also guilt. Valerie is someone who constantly blames herself when she's in a conflict, even when the other party is blatantly in the wrong. She holds herself responsible for other people's feelings and feels guilty when they aren't "feeling good" because of her. This is partly because of Marlow and partly because of relationships she had that fell apart. So she's got a horrible backbone and avoids conflict whenever she can, trying to resort to quieter, more sneaky means if she has to. She did this a lot with Marlow growing up- he never verbally abused her or anything, but he does have moments where he snaps at her when things get overwhelming for him. He always apologizes and these are infrequent and far in between, but they do leave a mark, so when Valerie wants to do something she thinks he may not approve of, she'll either not do it at all or make some attempt behind his back.

Because of all this, she swallows her anger and tries desperately to never show it. She thinks getting angry will make her a bad person and "just as bad or worse than the one who hurt her". She bites her tongue when others are rude to her and never asks for an apology or anything because she just doesn't want the argument. She discourages anyone from speaking up on her behalf because "she doesn't want to start anything". Everything will be fine as long as she just stays quiet and takes everything... right?

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

She wants to travel around the world and see all the great landmarks, and become a top performer at the same time to spread joy to the rest of the world with her performances. Buuuut she's not willing to go that far for it since Marlow prefers to keep her in Serenade Falls where everything is safe and familiar, and she doesn't like to speak up against him... Once she gets taken outside of her universe, though, and over the terror of it all, she's excited about getting to explore Ultra Space.

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

Oh you BET she blames herself. As I said before she tends to handle conflict really badly, so when she's around to witness a fight she'll try her hardest to avoid or stop it. She punishes herself for any injuries her friends get because of her "negligence". She has the fawn response all the way where she won't exactly leave them but she'll try to overcompensate in trying to heal them to ease her own guilt. If it wasn't a result of a fight and they just fell down some stairs or something, she still hovers over them trying to heal them and feels terrible, but she takes it the worst when its fight-related.

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

*Gestures to everything I've said so far* She gets some serious self loathing when any sort of conflict happens. In general she never prioritizes herself and will constantly try to help others even at her own detriment or when she needs rest.

💖 SPARKLING HEART - are they a subtle or a showy lover?

Definitely showy!! She's shy when she first gets a crush and all but when she's officially in a relationship, she likes to shower that person with physical affection and gifts and compliments. PDA all the way too. It's kind of funny because Asha is not showy at all until they get home and even then they're definitely more reserved LOL

[mister13eyond]

Ngl tho, the "why do you as an adult care about what minors say all the time" arguments feel so disingenuous to me

Like, spreading misinformation about sex and kinks gets a pass just because it's a minor who's spreading it? Or when an adult is being accused of heinous crimes over their fanfics, they should just suck it up because the ones accusing them just so happen to be minors? This is so tiring. I just can't look at those arguments in good faith

That's reasonable! I think there's a threshold of reasonable push back you can and SHOULD give when people in fandom are spreading misinformation or mass harassing fan creators, regardless of age. I think it's always within reason to stand up against that and to put your foot down and refuse to allow bullying and harassment to happen in your circle or to make it clear that kind of shit is harmful and often entirely constructed on misinformation and falsehoods.

I think I've also just seen so many accounts (on Twitter, mostly, because it's a hellsite) where it seems like they're just... spending every. Single. Day. Immersed in bad takes, QRT-ing some stupid opinion a teenager has, constantly talking about antis, constantly engaged in arguments with antis, and it hits a threshold where it's like.... are you doing this because you care about freedom of expression and exploring dark or troubling topics in safe spaces anymore? Or do you just like to argue? I care a LOT about these things and I think the current puritanical pushback against queer sexuality and kink is definitely harmful and actively hurts people, but oh my god, sometimes I see people who spend every single day hunting down bad anti takes and I have to wonder when the last time they had FUN in fandom was. Like... I think there's this idea that we're fighting the good fight by arguing against these things, and I ALSO want to make sure that we have spaces safe to do so and knowledge on how these are perfectly healthy and human ways to explore subjects we would never want to encounter in real life, but once it gets to "hunting down and QRT-ing some 15 year olds bad take" it honestly just spreads those ideas to a BIGGER audience by broadcasting them, even in the form of debunking, you know?

I guess it's just a matter of, like, balance? It's so so bad for ANYONE online to constantly immerse themselves in things that upset them. That's a real problem with puritanical circles- they're constantly constantly immersed in these things they say are triggering or upsetting, and therefore go on the attack and harm people over fiction- but the opposite can be true too. Immersing yourself in a constant flood of abusive language, baseless accusations, misinformation and harassment because you are "fighting it" is bad for you! You can't spend all your time doing that, or it becomes a kind of self-harm, you know?

I will definitely admit I'm biased by my own perspective, but I will say anecdotally- I spent a good chunk of my earlier time in fandom neck-deep in the "proship vs anti" trenches and I felt... pretty consistently miserable. I was only following people who were proship, and I thought seeing bad anti takes deconstructed and taken down would make it better and more cathartic to follow these arguments, but it got to the point where every single day I was exposed to the idea that someone out there likely thought absolutely horrible things about me based on what I read/write/draw. I felt super paranoid and really scared of even creating things at all, anticipating I'd get dog piled at any moment... Eventually I realized a small handful of accounts were the ones CONSTANTLY giving traffic and attention to these harmful posts & ideas (in the form of debunking them/arguing back against them) and I unfollowed or blocked as needed to focus instead on, like. Actually just DOING the things I thought would make fandom better? Sharing kink fics or art, sharing my headcanons that could be heavier or more troubling, etc. And I have to say it feels A HUNDRED times better. I know there's still a lot of misinformation and harm out there, but I feel like it's so much more productive to me to simply... provide a good example to the alternative? To go 'hey, I'm one of those people who make and read the kinds of things that everyone says are horrible and make me a bad person.' while also doing my best to consistently be kind, supportive, communicative and show that I am in fact a happy healthy adult with good relationships and good support and people who love me? So that I can simply, focus on the positive side of what fandom and all its weird kinks and weird fiction have given me! Because these things ARE very much something that's brought a lot of positive things into my life.

Sorry, I didn't mean to soap box! I think you have a really good point- a lot of the time those arguments ARE in bad faith and are thrown at anyone who exhibits even a moment of pushback against harassment or harm just because it's coming from a minor. I just think there's also a really toxic side of the "constantly in arguments on the internet" subset of people who really need to step back and try and give themselves some healthy breathing room and cut off the onslaught of 24/7 exposure to abuse and misinfo 😔

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

(CW to small mention of CSA, incest and mental health issues)

Hello there! I wanted to start this by saying I know it's possible that one "blocks out" traumatic events, or the trauma happened before a child could retain memories in the first place, but if that's the case, how can I know if the abuse even happened?

As an infant, I already exhibited hyperarousal/PTSD symptoms. I was terrified of sleeping and would prefer to spend the whole night awake if I had to do outside my home. I was also extremely touch-averse: would cry and scream if anyone tried to hug/hold/be too close to me, except with the ones that I formed unreasonably strong attachments to (usually adult, male relatives which was I honestly a bit obssessed with, and had romantic fantasies about. As an INFANT). I also bit my nails, had unexplained gastrointestinal issues, spaced off really often, and was an anxious child in ganeral.

Surprisingly, I grew up to be a normal, happy and extroverted toddler, but in the beginning of my teen years, things went downhill and I started having debilitating panic attacks and dissociation (little to not related to what was happening around me at the moment), and proceeded to be diagnosed with OCD, MADD and an UDD (that turned out to be something on the lines of OSDD/DID).

In my late teens, I realized that the reason why I had been sexualizing abuse and incest was to make it less painful, to turn it into something I was "in control of" instead of a constant fear.

Nowadays I can barely remember anything that I wasn't told of by friends and relatives (due dissociative amnesia and stuff), but I started wondering if I possibly went through some kind of sexual abuse during my early years, or something that would explain my symptoms and disorders. Is it possible that I just don't remember it, or do you think it's more likely I was just a weird child and a troubled teen?

Thank you for reading, and I hope you have been taking care of yourself. Have a good day!

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

It can be hard to know for certain whether or not something happened if you cannot recall it. However, there's often context around repressed memories that can suggest that something happened.

It sounds like you've been exhibiting many different kinds of things that could be interpreted as trauma responses, and you even have a diagnosed dissociative disorder, which is traumagenic. It's also worth noting that "troubled teens" are often just traumatized as well. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that something could've happened, perhaps sexual abuse, but because it's not possible to remember right now, it's hard to be sure.

The thing about repressed memories is that, while it may be frustrating or distressing to notice all these potential signs of abuse but not the abuse itself, it's dangerous for your mental health to try to remember what happened. Repression is there to protect you psychologically from the impact of trauma, and so if you're repressing a memory, it means that it's not ready to be explored yet. Healing is a nonlinear process that takes time, and with that time, repression may slowly fade away and these memories may bubble to the surface.

Ultimately, it's important, especially if you possibly have trauma or are exploring your own trauma, to do so under the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist. They can help you navigate your trauma in a safe and healthy way, and also develop some coping mechanisms for any trauma responses you may still be struggling with, among other things. If you can access or afford it, therapy could be a useful tool for you.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun